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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Lace Sleeve Mixed Media Blouse

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Ann Taylor has been a reliable source for my workwear for many years, but I really feel like they’ve been knocking it out of the park lately with upgraded versions of basics. A gray blouse is a great foundation piece for any wardrobe, but even if you feel like you’ve got most of your basics covered already, this lace-sleeve blouse is still interesting enough to make it worth the purchase. This would look so pretty with the emerald blazer we posted last week or a jewel-toned skirt if you want to show off the sleeves.

The top is $69.50 and available in straight sizes XS–XXL and petite sizes XXS–XL. Lace Sleeve Mixed Media Blouse

Michael Michael Kors has a plus-size option that's on sale for $65.40 at Last Call.

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376 Comments

  1. Looking for advice on negotiating my annual salary at my review this year while pregnant. I have relative seniority and taken on more responsibility in the past year. I certainly feel that I’m currently compensated well, but I have never really asked for more because I thought previous salary increases were fair. I want to be sure that I am not blindsided by a minimal increase or none at all because of my maternity leave this year. Does anyone have advice or success stories of negotiating higher salaries or responsibilities during a year when you were going on maternity leave for several months? I feel like I am starting from behind with this year’s review and my leave looming.

    2. Assuming your are not a lawyer/ do not have billable hours to consider:
      Take the pregnancy out of the equation entirely. Understand your role and your industry, and how your responsibilities and compensation compare. If those numbers are low–then that’s the first place to start. Make sure your title, salary, and any benefits (eg. options, vacation, etc) are commensurate with your responsibilities at a market level.

      Assuming you are squarely in line with the market, then figure out what you are asking. If you took a ton on this year and killed it and are being expected to kill it next year– with no salary or title bump, then ask for it (both). Do not do what SO MANY WOMEN do, and push for the title assuming the salary will come along. It often doesn’t. Men almost always ask/assume they are getting money. Women don’t.

      Put a number/title out there, with justification. Don’t ask for $200k for a role that pays $140k at your company or you’ll look like you don’t know what you’re talking about (esp if your manager makes less than you ask for!). If you’re not sure you should be getting a title bump yet, you can frame it go-forward for the year ahead. Throw a target out there saying “i’d like to be in a role with X title making XYZ. what do I need to be doing to make that happen?”

      Souce: Have managed dozens of people for 15+ years at junior thought senior level.

      1. One more thing: when I myself was pregnant with my first, I was out from October-January. I came back 4 weeks before review cycles and got a promotion with raise (go forward) and a massive bonus (reflecting the year I had). I advocated for the raise but the bonus was because I had goals that I knocked out of the park.

    3. I was in your exact spot in September, OP. I was due in December and felt that my responsibilities had significantly increased over the year. I prepared a case with specific examples and comparable salary metrics, and got denied a merit raise, but was told I’d get a good regular annual raise tied to my 2019 performance, which my boss said was “above average.” I guess attitudes somehow shifted, because I just got back from leave and somehow my “above average” performance has turned into “average” in the 12 weeks I’ve been away. Long story short, it’s hard to measure how people’s opinions of you will change when you’re out of sight, out of mind. Advocate for you the best you can, but ultimately it’s out of your hands. I wish you the best of luck and hope your company is compassionate and appreciates your hard work!

  2. I’m so disappointed in the Warren situation (that is – her being the most qualified candidate in the race, with a plan for everything, and really struggling for votes). I’m only 26 and already it feels like my life is littered with examples of highly qualified women being passed over for inferior male candidates. I thought that was supposed to be over. Is this what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years of my professional life?

      1. ‘Over’ was a poor word choice. But I was brought up and educated to see the fight as all but won.

          1. No kidding .My aunt was refused a mortgage in the 1970s for being a single woman, which they told her directly. That just doesn’t happen any more.

        2. Trump was a huge eye-opener for me on this. I had kind of subscribed to the march of progress idea — there is still a ton of sexism but it’s outdated and we’re marching in the right direction. I no longer believe that. We can march sideways, we can march backwards, things can actually get worse not better. It’s cheesy, unfair, and unfortunate, but I think we all have to actively fight for progress.

        3. As a young teenager, I was frequently enough harassed by professional men that it was hard for me to believe they really respected their colleagues who were women, even if they knew better than to harass them.

    2. I saw a headline that summed it up – “so much for the most diverse field in history.” Right there with you.

      1. Yeah. And it goes a long with Annon at 8.47 below. My mother’s and grandmother’s generations pushed so much and still the only thing we’re good for is getting married and making babies? Feeling incredibly disappointed with the slow progress. (Also that report today about 9 in 10 having sexist views against women).

      2. Honestly though – I don’t care if it takes Whitey McWhiterson to defeat Trump, I just want him GONE.

    3. Regardless of politics, I’m so bitter that Warren did as badly as she did, because it’s just the latest and most visible reminder of explicit and implicit sexism and meta-sexism (‘other people won’t think she’s electable’).

      1. OTOH, can Warren just own her failures? Her record is not something that other people did to her. It is how SHE did. [Running a major campaign is not a nothing; being a senator is not a nothing; it is like she went to the Olympics and finished out of medal contention and that is how it is for all but 3 people no?]

        1. Except it’s like going to the Olympics, putting in the best routine/test/whatever, and finishing out of medal contention because of biased judging.

          1. It’s not a conspiracy. She is “best” to some people and other people prefer other candidates. I am a woman and she wasn’t my top pick or even my second or third.

            Or: imagine how Kamala Harris feels? Also a senator. Also smart. And didn’t even last this long.

          2. I’m not saying that it’s a conspiracy, I’m saying that latent sexism (i.e. biased judging) did not make it a fair competition. Your anecdotal evidence doesn’t make it not true – I can understand that she doesn’t necessarily appeal to more moderate democrats. I do think she’s clearly superior to Sanders, while having a very similar agenda. And I’d also prefer Kamala Harris to a 78 year old white dude.

          3. It is not “anti- woman” to not support someone who I feel is not a strong candidate. I am not obligated to support a candidate I think is problematic and weak just because she is female and I am female.

          4. ??? I didn’t say you personally were anti-woman for not voting for Warren, so I’m not sure why you’re getting so defensive. Recognizing that sexism a is large scale issue here /= “everyone who didn’t vote for Warren is a misogynist.”

        2. Agree with this. I did not think she was the best candidate to take on Trump because of the whole Pocahontas situation. Fair or not, she brought that controversy on herself, and she handled it poorly. It’s an example the general public can easily understand, and plenty of whites, esp. non-college whites, are bitter about affirmative action and in conflating the whole situation could hold that against her.

          It’s incredible to me that it wasn’t brought up in any of the primary debates — it’s a huge liability for her. Had she ever been the front-runner, she would have had to contend with it. But she never was, so she got a pass. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that because no one felt she was enough of a threat to go after her on it that it wouldn’t have blown up in her face as soon as it matter.

          1. This. She is my senator, and I question if she can even win reelection at this point. There’s so much hate over this situation by working class white people in my state, who see her as a liar and fail to understand that HLS wouldn’t hire an unqualified professor regardless of race because they don’t have a college degree. She promised to not run for president when she was reelected in 2018 and did so anyway. It makes me sad. I want her to stay in the Senate.

      2. People who voted for Sanders are mad at their peers who went for Warren, convinced that if all the Warren supporters who were on the fence between candidates had voted Sanders he would’ve won every state. That may be true, but I don’t see any frustration directed at the people who wanted to vote for Warren or Sanders, but ended up voting for Biden just because they thought he was the “safer” choice (as opposed to voting for him because they thought he’d make a better president). It’s the primaries, people should be voting for the candidate who best represents their values.

        I’m just saying, if we had ranked choice voting in place, Super Tuesday would’ve had a much more satisfying outcome.

    4. I’m in my late 30s now but in my 20s it was eye-opening to me how much progress still had to be made on women’s equality. I think college sort of shields that in a way that the working world doesn’t.

      So it’s not ‘over’, but progress is being made. It’s now ‘normal’ for women to run for President. That wasn’t the case in previous elections. We’ll get there but it is a long road ahead.

      1. +1. Everyone pushed ahead and I saw fairly equal representation among men/women in college and my early 20’s. Once I got more exposure to senior management (which was around the same time as I saw the trade-offs women are forced to make in their late 20’s/early 30’s around work/life balance, caring for aging parents/etc) I really began to see how truly unequal our society still is. I also identified SO HARD with Michelle Obama flying her mom in to care for her kids. The mom’s group talks about it a lot – daycare is comparatively easy for working parents. The school years are what kills you with the 3pm end and all.the.days.off.

      2. I felt this way, too, and I remember reading an article in 2016 that women over 30 could much more easily identify with sexism in the presidential campaign than women under 30 because they’d experienced it in the workforce.

        Women in their 30s now are still being supervised and promoted by men who are old enough to remember a different time, and the same holds true for elections, It think. I do think (or hope may be the better word) that things will improve over time, but it will take generations.

    5. Sadly, I see this much too often as well. Proportionately too many white males being promoted when there are plenty of female and other diverse options. It doesn’t really seem to be getting better that quickly – a step forward and then a step back. For example, our executive leadership team does have male people of color but only our HR VP is female.

    6. Perhaps not everyone agrees she is the best candidate. I wouldn’t vote for her, not because she is a woman but because I don’t agree with her wealth redistribution ideas. I also find her inexperienced with foreign affairs, and fear that she would be weak internationally and hurt the US. Additionally, I strongly disagree withe her stand on immigration. I don’t care much who or what she is, but as a candidate, I don’t support her.

      1. I’m not progressive so I don’t support her either. I’ve been rooting for Biden this whole time. However, to me, she is so much better than Sanders. She seems bright, energetic, hardworking, etc. I like her a lot as a person. I just don’t get why so many progressives voted for Sanders over her. I just don’t get it.

    7. I do think this election is a little unique in that many people are so terrified of four more years of Trump that they care about electability above all else and that hurt the women in the race. I think (hope) the primary would be going very differently if a sane Republican like Mitt Romney were in the WH and people weren’t so scared.

        1. Because huge numbers of Democratic voters said in exit polls that electability mattered to them above all else, and that hasn’t been the case in previous primaries.

        2. How can you be so obtuse that you don’t 100% realize this is the situation we are in? The goal for 2020 isn’t progress. It’s to stop the backslide. Like things are so bad that stuff DJT does that would be a huge deal if any other Prez did it, now seem like nothing stories.

      2. ^This. Biden has been my choice from the beginning, and it’s not because I think he’s the most qualified or would be the best president. I think he’s the most electable Democrat in the key Midwest/Rust Belt states, and getting Trump out of office is my top priority. In any other year I would be behind Elizabeth Warren but the stakes were too high this year to not vote for the person I believed would be the most electable candidate in a general election. Exit polls say the majority of Democratic primary voters feel the same way.

      3. I think this because Biden won states he didn’t campaign in, didn’t even have offices in. Sanders outspent Biden 6-1 and Biden skated to victory. I don’t know what Warren’s campaign efforts were in those states. Also, Biden won a larger percentage of Election Day voters versus Early Voters. This tells me people had trouble deciding, and exit polls show a lot of them came down for Biden because of “electability.”

        I’m hoping this means it will be easier to get Biden voters in November.

        1. 100%. Biden has an immense amount of goodwill and recognition built up nationwide. He is seen as a safe choice. Trump enthusiasts will never vote for him, but they were never going to vote for the Dem regardless. It’s the 52% of the country that disapproves of Trump that we stand a chance of winning over, and doubtless Biden is the best remaining candidate to do so.

          1. Biden is the Hunt’s ketchup of candidates. Is it Heniz ketchup? No, but if you’re at a restaurant and looking to put some on your fries, you think to yourself that you know Hunt’s, and it’s fine. At least it’s not some weird craft homemade ketchup or off brand you’ve never heard of before.

      5. I held my nose and voted for Joe Biden, and I live in Massachusetts. I love Elizabeth Warren, but Joe Biden was the second in delegates going into Super Tuesday–and I voted early, due to surgery. This is a unique year: we are in the midst of a national crisis, an emergency, with a crazy, deceitfully elected President who is a threat to our democracy. I did not vote my first choice, I voted strategically to get rid of Trump. Is/was Elizabeth Warren electable? I never asked myself that question. My only question was who can beat Trump? And the answer shifted to that question as the primary season unfolded. I decided my vote the night before, and wavered on it even as I voted.

        but I am not alone: it seems that many people voted with the same criteria in mind.

    8. I was actually pleased with this cycle because multiple women threw their hats into the ring and we saw debate stages with multiple women on them. It made running for president look like a totally normal thing for a woman to do. We did have a female nominee last cycle who would have been president but for some exceptional circumstances, a competing nominee who with the assistance of foreign interference took out established candidates on both the right and the left. Instead of getting discouraged, let’s keep supporting female candidates at every level of politics who are making their mark on society and next cycle have multiple strong candidates run again.

      2. It’s small comfort. At least in 2016, a female candidate was the nominee. We’ve backslid since then if we’re satisfied with “women on the debate stage.”

    9. My vote was for Warren… but I don’t think she was the most qualified person for president in the race. I do think that serving as the vice president for 8 years makes Biden the most qualified. But I don’t want another old white man! That being said, I agree with Anon at 9:30 that this race is different and people are scared and more conservative than they’d normally be.

    10. This is how I feel too. I don’t love any politicians and don’t always agree with Warren, but she is my pick. I’m on the progressive end of realistic, if that makes sense. If she’s still in the race by the time my state votes, which seems highly unlikely, I will vote for her.

      I’ve been passed over in favor of less qualified men many times. I’m in my mid-30s, white, divorced with 1 child. The experience of my close friend and colleague, who is a black woman with 2 kids, has been even worse.

    11. I’m no Biden fan, but Biden is far more qualified than she is – many, many more years in the Senate, plus being, ya know, Vice President for eight years.

      The CFPB will likely be ruled to have an unconstitutional structure. Warren’s original research has been found to be full of holes – even liberals agreed with this before she ran for office.

      And then there’s railing about student loan debt while getting paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to teach. Okay, lady, why do you think law school costs so much and so many people struggle to ever pay off their loans?

      1. Paying higher education instructors well is such an anomaly that it’s obviously not to blame for burgeoning higher education costs.

        1. Erm, seriously. And what is she supposed to do, request to be paid less? This whole post is so odd.
          Wanting candidates with tons more experience than she has is what gets us to only have 70 year olds running.

      2. The argument that the CFPB’s structure is unconstitutional is ridiculous from a legal standpoint. If it’s found unconstitutional, it’s for political reasons.

    12. I’m bummed and I’m a lot older than you. It’s always something with “progressive” guys, isn’t it? “Of course I want a woman president, more people of color in office, etc., etc., I just don’t like THAT woman or that person of color. They’re too shrill/whiny/complicated/inexperienced etc. etc. I’m so much better, or this old white guy is really the guy we need because X.” Jesus, at least the conservative d-bags I grew up with would just say they wanted women at home and in the kitchen, not dangle the idea of equality like a doggy treat that gets snatched away at the last minute, leaving me wondering what I did and whether I’m really that stupid.

      But as Gertrude Stein said, this is the road and we are on it. All I can do is keep going.

    14. She was passed over b/c she was annoying, Dad says. She has a plan for everything? If she did, Dad says she would have a plan for winning, and she got no victories. That means people just didn’t think of her as Presidential, and Dad is right. We need real leadership, not someone who just attacks others, like she did for Mr. Blumeberg. Now he is out of the race and she is not? What is that all about? And she was not freindley to Mayor Pete Beetlejuice, either. For that, I am not sad she is loosing.

  3. A coworker’s wife apparently works at the same place as a man who got coronavirus. He self-reported this to HR but insists that because his wife is healthy there is no need for him to work from home. We decided that he should be in quarantine just to be on the safe side, but the thing is, he still came to a company party the day before he told us this and a day after he was contacted by health authorities. He also kept arguing that he should be quarantined for only a week instead of 14 days. People like him are probably how coronavirus community spread started. Why are some people so selfish and inconsiderate? People like him makes me wish there is some sort of public shaming and forced quarantine mechanism in place.

    1. Well we don’t. Because fascism isn’t great. Coronavirus is going to spread.

    2. That is incredibly frustrating because of how little we know about coronavirus but it’s par for the course with people coming into work sick and insisting that they’re fine. In my best friend’s office which (unlike mine) has ample sick time, she just had a coworker come in with a fever. Since my friend is pregnant, she confronted him and he admitted that he knew he should be at home, but he wasn’t going to go. She was so pissed, but her boss is so passive that there was no way anyone was going to do anything about it. In my office, my boss is the one who came in and got everyone sick when she could’ve easily worked from home. She only did so later, but at least admitted in a semi-sheepish email that she didn’t want to get any more people sick.

      2. I flew on a plane from a very busy airport on the west coast last week (before the hysteria and when you could still get wipes in stores). I could be a disease vector (on many fronts, not just coronavirus). What should I do? I didn’t go to Japan or China or Seattle or other places. But I was close to people who did. And on a plain — a flying petri dish.

    3. I was thinking about this in the shower today. If all the sick leave and work from home policies can’t keep office workers from coming to work sick, what about all the hourly workers? The woman at the grocery store who scans your items, the guy who delivers your door dash, etc. These people aren’t going to stop working because they don’t get paid if they don’t work. And with most Americans being one paycheck away from financial disaster they’re not wrong to do everything they can to keep working. I’m not sure what the answer is but clearly our entire system is not set up to keep from spreading the virus.

      1. They’re in a different (and unfortunate) position. We can criticize people who have options and who still come in to work.

      2. And people sent home still need to eat — I am betting that they are going to go to the store. Even if they do delivery or pick up curbside, someone will have contact with them (and then go back into the store). Or they will go to the doctor. And I hope they have private car transportation. And are single and live alone. Otherwise, even keeping them home won’t be enough.

      3. Earlier this week, I stopped by the pharmacy to pick up my prescription, and the cashier was coughing and sneezing the whole time I was there. I have no reason to think she had covid-19, but she sure as heck had something. I wonder if I only really noticed because of all the notices and alerts going around.

    4. Speaking of inconsiderate, so many people come into public spaces and cough without covering their mouths. What, is this preschool? Were you raised by beasts?

      1. You are insulting preschoolers. Mine (and her entire class) uses her “cough catcher” aka elbow religiously ;). In fact, she scolds the rest of our family (a 10 y/o, a 2 y/o and the adults).

    5. I am curious as to what “works at the same place” means – same building, same company, same floor? That impacts my feelings on this quite a lot. But I also take public transit so who knows what I am exposed to on the daily.

    6. Agree this is very selfish. But quarantines don’t necessarily prevent the spread of a disease, they delay it. I’m of the mind that once a virus is here, it has to run its course. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t take moderate precautions to try to contain and or somewhat limit the spread, but widespread quarantines don’t make sense at this juncture.

      1. Actually, just realized it wasn’t his wife who is infected (read too fast) – scratch that, it’s fine for him to be at work. And to those talking about paid sick leave etc etc…I don’t know how much good that would do in actuality. Seems that symptoms can take weeks to show up. Do you want everyone to take 8 weeks of just-in-case sick leave? (Not disagreeing that sick leave policy is an issue, but also a bit of a straw man here.)

    7. I actually don’t think your coworker is being unreasonable. He has not been exposed to a person with coronavirus. My organization has an employee with coronavirus, and they’ve taken it pretty serously (shutting down that building, limiting large meetings) and we’re still told not to show up only if we are sick or exposed to someone sick. If we (society) are supposed to fear even the healthy people who might be carriers, we might as well just bar the gates.

      4. Our local public health authorities (in a county with community transmission) don’t consider living with a person showing no symptoms who was exposed to the virus as elevated risk.

        If your public health authority cleared him for coming to work, I think it’s reasonable for him to come to work.

      5. Yup. I bet the poster has had the same amount of tangential contact with someone with coronavirus as the coworker. I think we’re kidding ourselves if we don’t think this is already pretty widespread so unless you have really been limiting your contact with everyone (no public transportation, no shopping at stores, no attending large meetings/events/parties, I don’t think any of us can say with confidence that we haven’t been tangentially in contact with the virus.

      6. OTOH, it has happened enough in Korea and China that people in the same household get infected that it may be a valid concern.

        https://www.worldometers.info/coronavirus/covid-19-testing/

        I’m scared to think that if scaled to the population and mortality rate, the US must have many many many more cases than officially recognized, and cases like this aren’t helping.

        As of Thursday, Korea had 35 deaths from coronavirus. The US had 11.

        Korea had tested approximately 109,591 people (out of a population of 50 million) as of Mar 2. The US had tested 472 people (out of a population of 300+ million) as of Mar 1 (Because CDC removed the total number tested after Mar 2).

        1. We can agree to disagree, but there is no room for name calling on here. Moderators, please consider deleting the above comment.

      8. The fact that carriers of the coronavirus can walk around without showing any symptoms for 14 days, and in some cases longer than that, is precisely what enabled community spread in the first place. Your local health authorities may not be the most trustworthy source of information, since nobody has enough knowledge about how this virus is transmitted yet. In this environment, it is in everyone’s interest to take extra precautions, and self-sacrifice to err on the side of caution. It is what I would have done. Clearly he has been contacted by health authorities and recommended to quarantine himself, but it was not mandatory. Something similar happened to the health worker at Dartmouth who went to a party after he was recommended (but not ordered) to self-quarantine. See https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/04/us/coronavirus-new-hampshire-dartmouth.amp.html

    8. Sigh, what’s disappointing to me is that everyone is looking out only for themselves. Employers don’t want all the lost hours of ‘potentially in contact’ people staying home, no one (of course!) wants to miss a paycheck, or even just to let work pile up while they’re away (my colleague who was hanging out in the break room complaining of her high fever just had “too much to get done” to go home, whee!)… but as far as I can tell, everyone being moderately inconvenienced is the only way to conceivably stop the spread. I’d much rather be laughing in May like “remember all those beans we bought and how I worked from home for 8 days!!?!” instead of, y’know, dealing with a terrible outbreak.

    9. We can talk about staying home all we want to but until we have mandated paid sick leave it is nothing more than lip service to the idea.

      I am personally in a position where working from home is not an option whatsoever – I have to be in the office. However, calling in sick results in “attendance points”. Accumulate too many (and that number is low) and your job is on the line, even in this professional setting. I know other industries, like healthcare, have such a toxic culture of never calling in sick.

    10. Are you kidding me? Your co-worker is twice removed from an infected person and you’ve shared no context that makes it sound like his wife was even likely to have been exposed. (How big is her work place?) You can implement a draconian and punitive policy if you want, but don’t demonize him for objecting.

      1. We know how that people can carry the virus without showing any symptoms for 14 days, that why this virus is 3X more contagious than the seasonal flu. That’s how community spread happens-when people who do not yet show any symptoms spread it to others. Please go educate yourself first before calling other people crazy.

        1. By that logic, every single person everywhere should stay home as they have potentially come into contact with someone who is a carrier. And that seems, a bit extreme.

          1. I disagree. There is a clear difference between someone who has one degree of separation versus someone who has no possibility of such contact all. The former should self-quarantine since he may not yet show any symptoms.

    11. Nobody thinks your career is interesting or exciting. I’m not sure why that’s news.

      1. Nobody understands how your reply is relevant to OP’s question. Please do us all a favor and stop making mean comments.

    12. Your coworker is twice removed…keeping him home seems extreme.

      I worry more about coworkers who are *actually* sick with the flu or a cold coming into work and infecting others. It happens all the time. The flu went through my firm last year because people kept coming into work when they were ill.

  4. Hi all – I wanted to get everyone’s thoughts. I have truly had a fantastic past year. Around this time last year I landed an offer for a clerkship. In May I graduated from law school. In July I took and passed the bar. I also just received a job offer post clerkship so I already have my post clerkship employment lined up.
    I also recently got engaged. The response to our engagement from family and friends has far outweighed any congratulatory responses that I have gotten from my other accomplishments over this last year. I’m super thrilled to be engaged but I am already sick of people and the wedding industry portraying it as the most important thing I have ever done and my wedding day being the biggest day of my life.
    I love my partner and can’t wait for us to spend our lives together but I can’t help shake the feeling like everything else that I have done is also (maybe a lot more) important and worthy of equal praise.
    Maybe people just don’t understand all of the work that took place behind the scenes to get me where I am today as a young professional. Not sure what I’m asking for, I just wanted to vent. I also don’t really feel like it was an ‘accomplishment’ to get engaged. It is just the next step our relationship and I find it bizarre people act like I am worthy and special now that I have a ring on my finger.

    1. I mean, deal with it? Sorry your life is going so amazingly and you’re still dissatisfied with how people shower your with love. You’ll have many jobs in life. And hopefully only one engagement. Consider that this isn’t some wedding industry nonsense but that actually people who love and care about you care more about you finding happiness with a person you love than what your job is. Talk about a made up problem.

      2. Wow, this is unnecessarily rude. OP, your feeling are totally valid, I would be really frustrated about that too.

        1. Mmm – I really don’t think this is that rude. OP is basically saying- my life is great, I have soooo many people who care about me, but I’m going to fixate on issues with it. It’s a little obnoxious.

      4. Agree. I wish my worst problem was complaining about which of my accomplishments people were most congratulatory about. Just be happy.

      5. It’s of course true that marrying is more rare than taking a career step. The problem I have is that men get plenty of acknowledgement and respect for career steps.

        1. I really disagree with this. I don’t see men more widely celebrated for professional milestones, at least among my circle of friends and colleagues. A promotion – whether the recipient is male or female – is usually just a “your colleagues take you to happy hour and buy you some drinks” kind of occasion. It’s not something that people make a huge fuss over. Weddings and babies are a much bigger deal, for both men and women.

      6. My parents don’t even know what my job means. You can feel disappointed or you can realize that not everyone is going to react how you want them to in life and accept it.

        2. Agree. I’m a journalist and my parents don’t regularly read my writing. It bums me out a little, but at the same time, it’s not like I invest a whole lot of time or energy into understanding or appreciating their careers. I think careers are just hard to share with people outside your profession. I have professional friends acquaintances to celebrate professional milestones with; I celebrate personal milestones with friends and family.

    2. I feel this way about my current pregnancy. I accomplished a heck of a lot in the past year in my professional life that no one in my family seemed to care much about, but as soon as I got pregnant I am valuable and interesting again. Luckily my core family and friends are proud of and interested in my professional life.
      I don’t have a big flashy job, but it is one that I am proud of and very good at, and most people don’t really get it. It’s very generational in my experience. My spouse and friends are of course excited about the baby, but also know I have a great career that I value. Anyone in my parent’s generation or my grandparents (who are still alive) really only care about us having a kid. I tend to keep the baby talk pretty brief with these family members or family friends, because I am resentful that they all but ignored me before. I do think it’s easier for people to be excited about marriage, babies, etc than it is for careers that might be above their understanding. It doesn’t excuse it, but that’s been my experience. I would say take the congratulations and then pivot back to a topic you do want to brag about.
      And also for wedding stuff, the industry seeps in as much as you let it. If you want to have a low key wedding, do that! All the crazy, flashy, princessy, best day of your life dialogue doesn’t need to apply if you don’t want it to!

      1. Fellow Southerner and new mom here, and I wholeheartedly agree.

        There are a few women in our generation who are all about the babies, but a huge amount in our parents’ generation. It really makes me feel like a baby factory, to the point of feeling devalued as my own person. It’s caused tension in our marriage, as I’ve gotten so uncomfortable with my husband’s family and friends just STARING at my stomach and making all sorts of comments among themselves. I just don’t spend time with them anymore and he’s had to have some uncomfortable conversations along the lines of “please don’t talk about my wife’s body.”

        New England wasn’t like this. It’s really hard to understand unless you live it.

        1. Reason #1,004,875 to roll my eyes at the South. Seriously, people down there talk about your pregnancy and body, beyond “Oh, congratulations to you”?

          1. It’s worse.

            I have a friend who literally spends an hour or more figuring out what to wear before family gatherings to ensure that tongues don’t wag over BABY if her clothes inadvertently make her look slightly poochy in the stomach. Another friend always, always, always has a drink in her hand to keep the mouths shut. I have in-laws who couldn’t figure out if I was pregnant when I was wearing a tech shirt, so they waited until I changed into a bikini for playing in the pool to stare at my stomach and gossip. The slightest changes to a newlywed woman’s body is considered to be polite grounds to discuss her body.

            It’s so horrible and degrading. It’s also so rude. The whole thing about how “polite” the South is… such garbage.

    3. Part of this is the surprise of the engagement – it’s news for people. People know you are in law school and roughly when you’d graduate and they don’t expect you to fail so it’s not ‘news’ in the same way. Non-lawyers don’t really appreciate how tough passing the bar can be and how it’s not just like another law school exam. It just doesn’t register with non-lawyers as a big deal.

      New jobs tend to generate less congrats as it’s exciting but many people have a number of jobs over their lifetime and you usually (hopefully) only have one marriage. It’s hard for anyone not in a specific field to understand ‘how’ great any particular job is. Like I know a Supreme Court clerkship is super prestigious but I have no clue what the most prestigious doctor or engineer equivalent would be.

      You have a great situation. Don’t let perfection be the thief of joy. Be joyful about your situation and let go of other people’s reactions to it. Congrats on all your accomplishments and on your engagement.

      1. All this makes me really appreciate that my family threw me a graduation/bar exam catered pool party that included a bouncy castle, dunk tank, and ice cream truck. It was a blast and felt so special. But I agree that it is rare. I do think there are a lot of factors here: the “surprise” of an engagement- especially contrasted with the expectation of the professional achievements, the lack of context to fully grasp how big your other accomplishments are, and also that your family just excited for the family to be expanding. (And yes, with hope that this is one marriage, whereas you will have many jobs.) All this is to say, congratulations on a wonderful year! (Your “annus gloriosus”?)

    4. I know exactly how you feel, but the reverse: I am a successful equity partner in my mid-sized law firm, but am constantly made to feel like I’m a failure at life because I’m unmarried and have no children. (I’m 39.) People always want to know why I’m still single, as if that is the only thing that matters.

      1. Yeah, everyone writing this off as a fake problem would do well to think about it from this perspective. OP is acting as an ally to single women by rejecting the message that marriage is an achievement.

        You can also look at it in terms of who is considered “ok.” I got divorced in 2016, and I am very proud of all the things I’ve accomplished on my own since then. I own my home, own my car outright, and have worked my way up quickly with a new employer such that I now actually make decent money in a field where few people do. I’m genuinely happy in a life that wasn’t at all what I expected.

        However, I recently got into my first relationship since the split, and suddenly my family seems so relieved. Happy for me, yes, but more *relieved.* It’s becoming clear how people seemed to think I was barely scraping by in life until now. I know it comes from a place of love, but we’re allowed to have mixed feelings about it. The message is still that women’s lives are oriented around their relationships, while men’s are not.

          1. Why can you not? G00gle discrimination against single people and the financial penalties of being single.

          2. No. I won’t. I am single. I don’t need ally’s. I am not broken. I don’t need humblebrags from smugengagedclerkswithjobs as a form of support, nor do I need your sanctimony.

          3. Beung perpetually single is NOT the same as being a member of a disadvantaged minority. It’s not the same as being a POC or LGBTQI person and it’s insulting to those people to make that comparison.

          4. Yea as a single white woman, I don’t need an ally to help with discrimination about being single. Aye yi yi.

      2. Agreed. I’m also a lawyer and a former federal law clerk who is single and also feel like none of that matters or is remotely interesting compared with major personal life events. I think there’s still some lingering sexism involved, but I also agree that it’s easier for people to relate to these things. It’s also more fun. There’s only so much you can say about a clerkship that will keep your non-lawyer family and friends interested. Plus, lots of people don’t place as much importance on their careers as lawyers do. I’m about 6 years out of law school now and find that as the newness of having a job wears off and I continue to get my feet under me career-wise, it feels somehow less important. It is, of course– what would life be like without a job?– but I’m finding myself placing more value on the non-work aspects of life than I was 10, 5, or even 2 years ago. Professional success is necessary but not sufficient for me at this point. That makes me wonder how my perspective will continue to grow and evolve.

        1. “Plus, lots of people don’t place as much importance on their careers as lawyers do”

          This. For some people, a job is just what pays the bills. Your life is your relationships and hobbies.

          Also, old people love weddings. They are tired of going to funerals. My parents get so excited when they get a wedding invite now. They weren’t like that pre-retirement when their own lives were busier and they saw family at weddings and baptisms more than at funerals.

    5. I hear that but also seems like you are putting the most negative possible spin on this. Your engagement and marriage is something that impacts other people (particularly your family) much, much more than your academic or career success. Whether you had done well or poorly, had a fancy or regular job, just doesn’t really affect them. It doesn’t mean they aren’t happy for you or think your only value is as a wife.

    6. I feel similar about my PhD vs my marriage. I have chalked it off to – they can personally relate much more to being married, while my career is a bit foreign to them. The good side of that is that they never questioned career choices that I made.
      In addition to that my family value private fulfillment higher than professional success.

      2. I think for many jobs and career successes in general, the reward is the compensation. In my life, job success has been celebrated when I buy family and friends a drink or a meal. They don’t throw a party for me!

        PhDs are more personal and don’t directly lead to compensation, so it feels different. I’m not sure people who haven’t pursued a PhD understand that difference.

    7. That is unfortunate. Are many of your family and friends attorneys? If not, it seems likely they just don’t understand how much work law school is and how hard it is to get a clerkship. For many people, getting a job after graduation doesn’t seem like an accomplishment, that’s just what you are suppose to do once you finish school. And switching jobs is just something you do throughout life. Whereas, getting married is something they understand and hopefully happens only once in your life.

      FWIW, as an attorney, I don’t know that I value finishing law school, taking the bar, getting a clerkship, or getting a full-time job that much. It’s just what I did. It was work, but not that much more than college and, at least at my school, was set up for you to succeed in those things. Having finding your person in life? That’s hard! Maybe this makes me a horrible person, but I value the things I haven’t accomplished more than the things I have.

      1. I’m with you on this. Maybe it’s that things that I do that may seem hard to others aren’t hard to me. It’s like a tall person being tall — it’s sort of how you are. I kissed a lot of frogs along the way, so I was really happy to be done with that when I got married. It wasn’t an accomplishment but some grace of the cosmos being favorable to me. I am a person still no matter what is on my resume and at the end of the day I want to be happy.

      2. I feel similarly. To me, law school and the bar exams were a think I did and by no means the hardest thing I have personally be through. I am not someone who “IS” my job, and I don’t expect others to shower me with anything other than a congrats (!) when I get a new job. I don’t tell many people anyway, as to me it isn’t a big deal.

        All of that to say, different life events mean different things to different people. I completely understand the importance you are putting on it and you get to decide how important things are to you, but none of us can control what other people find important or newsworthy or anything else.

        Perhaps you can try to change that by selling your career accomplishments more, but it probably won’t have as large of an effect as you’d like it to.

    8. I can relate – I told my now-husband I didn’t want to get engaged before I had my diploma in my hand. He popped the question later that same day, and when I went to update the two things on Facebook, you know which got more likes and congratulationses.

      (Shout out to my friend Andrea who commented “Get it girl!” on my degree post and didn’t even touch my engagement post. You’re my hero.)

      I think anon at 9:15 is right though. Many more people can relate to marriage (and to an extent, babies) across careers. I’ve noticed this in my office, where I’m probably among the most career-minded women even though I’d hardly call myself career-minded at all. Everyone is way more excited for Susie’s baby shower next week than that Sally got a promotion yesterday. I think a lot of women view these life events as the only things binding us all together somehow, despite the fact that that’s less and less true.

    9. This is kind of off tangent but I wish there were more celebrations for leading a balanced life. I agree that it’s harder to relate to promotions and various jobs, while marriage and parenthood are more or less universal. There’s also an undercurrent of feeling like you’re equating someone with just their job when you celebrate career success, and when you celebrate a marriage or a baby, you’re trying to celebrate this (hopefully) lifelong relationship that you’re embarking upon. I also agree that there’s too much emphasis on wedding planning and the “big day” – my wedding was fun but I wouldn’t say it was the best day of my life and I don’t think that’s the expectation you should have on it. My husband and I work hard to make every day of our marriage great, or at least to feel like we’re a team on the same page, and having that relationship with him is something I’m proud of on a deeper level than any promotion I might get (which I still am proud of!)

      Not sure if your family feels this way about celebrating the start of a relationship (maybe they just like weddings?) but that’s how I feel when others make announcements. Promotions and career success are great and I celebrate them, but the start of relationships (whether marriage or new baby) are something that I just want to express my happiness for.

    10. Jobs come and go. Relationships are what matter in this life. A diploma isn’t going to comfort you when a sibling dies – friends and family are. Your resume isn’t going to sit beside your bed when you’re 80 with pneumonia – friends and family are. Congratulations on professional success, and I know it all feels very important when you’re young and you’ve spent your whole life so far striving for good grades, but as you age, you’ll realize how incredibly important relationships are. That is what your loved ones are congratulating you on.

    11. There is some weird cultural thing where women are not supposed to be career oriented and supposed to be putting family first, that you will need to fight the rest of your career. I made equity partner at a prestigious midsize firm and no one in either my family or my husband’s said a damn thing about it. My husband celebrated with me, and my mentors at the firm.

      This is a really good reminder for all of us to celebrate each other’s career successes.

      So, congrats on getting your career off to such a great start. Your clerkship will be an amazing training ground and your new firm is fortunate to have snagged you.

      1. Most people who are not lawyers have no clue about the difference between associate and partner or income partner and equity partner. Heck, I’ve been a government lawyer in a small city my whole career and I learned about the difference between income and equity partners on this site.

        1. “Most people who are not lawyers have no clue about the difference between associate and partner or income partner and equity partner. ”

          Agree. And can those of you who are upset by this explain why you would even **expect** non-lawyers to know or care about these differences?

      2. I don’t think failure to celebrate career leveling up is just for women, though. I don’t know any men who’ve celebrated a promotion/new job/leveling up with anything more than “let’s get a beer/dinner!” with a bestie or partner. And what 10:05 says, yes — even with my (doting!) husband, I sometimes have to follow up a brag with “that was a good thing so you should tell me ‘good job sweetie!'” because he just doesn’t always get what I’m doing.

        Me, I’m down for any excuse for a party and would throw one for you when you quit a job, got a job, made partner, bought a house, got a new apartment, got bangs, decided you liked brussels sprouts now, won bar trivia, brewed your first beer, etc. But I’m way at one end of the spectrum (but y’all should come hang out with me at this end — it’s great)!

        3. I agree with this completely. Also, just pointing out that your professional success isn’t something that can really be “shared” with other people whereas things like an engagement or pregnancy is more “communal”. My friends and family are very supportive and have always given me praise for career successes but graduating law school, passing the bar exam, landing the job I wanted, making partner really had zero effect on their lives. My engagement meant that their family was expanding as well. As was getting pregnant, I wasn’t just having a baby, they were getting a grandkid/nephew/etc. And while I agree, it totally sucks to feel like people value “traditional” women realm things more than professional successes, for what its worth my husband also got way more praise/congratulations on our engagement and our child than any of his professional successes.

          2. Regular onions or raw/red onions? Try No Crumbs Left Marinated Onions! They are truly amazing.

        5. I am SO telling you if I ever decide I like brussel sprouts, because it will be a once-in-a-lifetime achievement and will probably mean the end of the world is coming. Or something like that.

    12. I just want to say that I kind of get what you’re feeling. I was half-jokingly annoyed that my engagement announcement post got more likes on facebook than my “I’m going to be on Jeopardy” post of me with Alex behind the podium.

      1. Former Jeopardy! contestant here as well. I had an interview for a Big Job late last year and, no surprise, the Jeopardy! wins were covered in detail while my pages of publications and speaking engagements . . . were not.

        1. That is because every candidate has pages of publications and speaking engagements. And because Big Jobs are more about personality than actual qualifications.

    13. Suggestion- if you want people to celebrate your other accomplishments, tell them. Which event do people usually throw a party for? The engagement, and the wedding . . . . So people know that’s what you want to celebrate. I had a major accomplishment this year, so I threw a party to celebrate it! I invited people from different facets of my life, and had a small spread, a little program, and people came (or sent messages) in support and celebration. It was wonderful. If you want people to be super-excited about a different event, have a party!

      1. Honestly, an engagement = joy.

        Law school graduation = may be peak of joy for being a lawyer; it may be the sign of a 40 year slog (if you make it that long). Maybe having law school graduation wake for your social life and sanity?

        1. Maybe for you.

          Some people love being lawyers and maybe the OP will be be one of them. I hate how we are so down on being a lawyer here sometimes. It is a big accomplishment and yeah, the life of a lawyer is hard.

          As Tom Hanks perfectly said: it’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.

          1. And when Tom Hanks was on Inside the Actors Studio, he said that the one job he would never want to have is being a lawyer because it’s like doing homework for a living.

          2. But not everyone’s life as a lawyer is hard. Mine isn’t. I have reasonable hours, I make good money, and I particiapte in the hobbies I want. My job is fine. I have good coworkers and work in a very supportive law department. We can’t broad brush everyone with the same stroke, regardless of career.

    14. I think this also has to do with the way we celebrate (or not) life events.

      Do we actually actively celebrate with our families our promotions or professional successes, vs. engagement/babies etc? Do we even share professional victories with our families the way we do personal life events?

      My husband and I have made it a point to have a toast at dinner time with our 4 yr old son, everytime either of us achieves something, We also toast to good health of our families, to the weekend, and to all other kinds of small things. (If we were religious, this would probably be part of a thanksgiving prayer or similar.)

    15. I get what you’re saying and congrats on the career accomplishments, but career accomplishments are something that come and go. In my field I’m pretty accomplished and have made it far, but ultimately the company I work for could lay me off or fire me with no thought, you know? No matter how passionate I am about it. We spend so much time at work that it’s easy to forget that. Finding someone you actually want to marry who feels the same way is way, way harder than finding a job.

    16. Seriously! I’ve worked on some incredibly impressive international files the past few years and people are way more concerned about my marriage and the state of my uterus (spoiler: nothing is ever being gestated in there). It’s so disheartening that my accomplishments will never reach the bar of a party and a white dress, even though getting married was so much easier than any professional achievement.

    17. I’m not a lawyer and have only a surface level understanding of law based on reading here for years. Things I’m somewhat unclear on:

      – what exactly a clerkship is. I think its something with a judge? doing what? and why is that better than working at a firm?
      – why a clerkship is important and fancy and prestigious. it seems like some kind of an internship? Isn’t it for a set period of time? like a year or two? are you learning how to be a judge? or what judges want?
      – what biglaw is other than you work a lot and make buckets of money?
      – are there any biglaw firms in my town? no clue. I’m thinking probably not?
      – do any of my lawyer friends work in biglaw? no clue.
      – what is the difference between the different kinds of partners, and why one is fancier than the other?
      – what is a boutique firm?
      – why being “of counsel” is bad. I thought it was like a subject matter expert type thing?
      – what amlaw is and why its important

      I don’t sit around researching this stuff because it’s irrelevant to my life. I don’t need to know.

      The only thing I would understand well enough to be extremely impressed would be if you got onto the supreme court (are those people all lawyers? I don’t even know that– are all judges lawyers?) or if you were a lawyer for a trial so big that it was on tv.

      OP, if you are excited about some accomplishment in your professional life, you have to tell all your clueless friends why it’s a big deal. I would be happy to celebrate any of the things you’re excited about if I knew that they were big deals to you. But outside your industry, people just don’t know. And I say that as someone in a somewhat (?) similar industry where you need extra education and have to pass a big fancy test.

      Getting married is a cultural event. It’s a broadly understood, broadly relatable very happy time that has existed for the entirety of written human history. People understand right off the bat that it’s exciting. It doesn’t mean your only value is as a married woman.

      1. Haha!! I love this comment. If I may:

        – what exactly a clerkship is. I think its something with a judge? doing what? and why is that better than working at a firm?
        It is working for a judge, writing their opinions and being in chambers. It is perceived as better than being at a firm because you get to know a judge and people seem to think that’s important, like your later clients will think you have some inside track on getting them a positive outcome. Plus in some sense you learn how judges think and what they value, which again may help you better represent your clients using that insider info.
        – why a clerkship is important and fancy and prestigious. it seems like some kind of an internship? Isn’t it for a set period of time? like a year or two? are you learning how to be a judge? or what judges want?
        Basically, clerkships are hard to get — so they’re a feather in your cap. You have to have done well in law school or have other prestigious things on your resume to get one. Certain courts are “better” than others, so those courts are even more fancy.
        – what biglaw is other than you work a lot and make buckets of money?
        In theory you’re working on the most “interesting” cases for the biggest clients. Biggest meaning, they’re prominent companies with legal issues that are on the cutting edge and more challenging/interesting to solve.
        – are there any biglaw firms in my town? no clue. I’m thinking probably not?
        Haha! BigLaw firms exist in tons of places, if the population of your city is greater than about 100k, you probably have one.
        – do any of my lawyer friends work in biglaw? no clue.
        Amazing :D
        – what is the difference between the different kinds of partners, and why one is fancier than the other?
        Equity partner = you own part of the law firm so if the law firm has a really good year, in theory you share in that pot. Non-equity partner = you’re basically just another, highly-paid staff employee of the firm, though you may have voting rights that non-partners do not have.
        – what is a boutique firm?
        Basically, just smaller and in fewer cities (or only one location), and often but not always subject-matter focused.
        – why being “of counsel” is bad. I thought it was like a subject matter expert type thing?
        It’s not bad! It’s not as “good” as being partner and there’s some perception that if you’re counsel it’s only because you “failed” to make partner because obviously anyone who could be a partner would want to be, right? In reality, counsel can be a fantastic option for lawyers who are too senior to be associates but who do not have the ability or desire to develop their own clients or run their own matters — they can do good work for others’ clients while making a good, steady salary.
        – what amlaw is and why its important
        It’s basically a ranking of prestigiousness of law firms. Again, this may correlate with employee pay and the type of work employees “get” to do, so the “better” firms are perceived by some as better to work for.

        1. Thank you to both CPA Lady for asking and Angela for answering the questions I’ve also always had!

      2. Love this comment! So true (I have a similar understanding and that’s fine… I do not need answers to these questions because they are not relevant to my life in another profession). Outside of your profession, no one cares about your specific accomplishments other than to be glad you found a job you like. People can relate much more to a wedding or baby or whatnot- I have come to accept that people are trying to find common ground and celebrate something they are familiar with.

      4. Exactly! Clerkships and equity partnerships are important to a vanishingly small number of people in the actual world.

    18. OP, maybe you can console yourself by imagining how it would feel to be single and a) be sad about not having found your person and b) have everyone behave like you haven’t achieved anything because you’re not partnered/don’t have kids. I think you’re gonna pull through.

      Sample conversation with my BIL’s uncle at a big family gathering:
      Him: “You live in City, huh? What do you do?”
      Me: “I’m a lawyer, I work for a federal judge.”
      Him: “Oh, okay.” [Brief pause] “You know, I had an aunt once who never got married and didn’t have kids.”

    19. I mean, people do not understand nor care nearly as much about others’ professional accomplishments across the board. Think of the last wedding you went to — now, tell me, what was the groom’s last promotion? What is his level of highest educational attainment, and from what institution did he receive it? When was his last raise and did you celebrate that with him?

      The point I’m making is, it’s a culture thing. Weddings, engagements, babies, are universal experiences. Promotions in your white collar workplace and finishing graduate school are not.

    20. This is very common. I made equity partner this year. I am also going to have a baby. Guess which one is the bigger deal? Lol.

      1. Everyone knows what a baby is. Most people have no clue what an equity partner is and why it’s an accomplishment to be one. People are not going to congratulate you on something they don’t understand.

        1. This … plus, I know it’s cute for all the lawyers to think that their accomplishments are the biggest deals ever, and that they are the hardest-working people, but for your friends in other professions, they have their own “big deal” promotions / accomplishments in their own fields. You don’t know what those things are, so don’t be surprised that your friends don’t all ooh and goo over you making equity partner. Landing a huge account might be a huge coup for your friend in advertising. Being made chief of surgery at a major hosiptal might be a huge coup for your friend in medicine.

          1. …. your two examples are pretty easy to understand. I wonder why you felt the need to be so snide in this comment?

      2. Is the kid not a bigger deal to you too? I’m not one of those “motherhood is my sole definition” people by far, but my kid is way more important to me than my job (and a chunk of why my job is important is because it allows me to provide for my kid).

        2. Right? Good Lord producing an actual human being out of my body was a way bigger deal to me than passing the bar exam or becoming an equity partner.

          1. +1. Also, it is really not as great as you might think when your family tries to be excited about your academic and professional accomplishments. I was taken aback when our realtor announced that she knew my LSAT score because my FIL had broadcast it to the entire Rotary Club.

          2. Haha I can totallly see that happening at our Rotary Club!! If it’s any comfort, your FIL probably had to pay money to the Rotary Foundation in order to make that announcement!

        3. The kid itself will be a bigger deal likely when it comes along. But for the vast majority of people, getting pregnant is not, in itself, that big of an accomplishment. Something that can happen by accident is not quite the same as the work that goes into making equity partner.

          1. I don’t think people congratulate someone on a pregnancy in a “wow you managed to get a fetus to implant!!!” way (though I note in some cases when someone has difficulty conceiving, that alone might be a big deal). I think people are excited and congratulatory about the *life change* of having the child — which, like I said, to me has meant more than any career accomplishment of mine. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

          2. Ugh now I’m afraid I’m sounding like “it’s cool how women are reduced to their domestic/reproductive/romantic accomplishments!” … that is not my stance at all! I just do think that human-to-human events and family changes are more life-changing than worky ones (for me at least).

          3. I agree with RH. FWIW I don’t think this is exclusively a women thing, the men in my life all have things like engagements and pregnancy celebrated more than professional successes.

          4. Yeah, when people congratulate you for being pregnant, it’s not for the biological act of conception (unless of course they knew you had fertility problems and that part was a challenge for you). It’s what the pregnancy represents, ie., a child. And I agree a child has a much bigger impact on your life than any work-related accomplishment.

      3. Well, the phrase “a bigger deal” is pretty ambiguous. Never too many shoes interprets it as equating to level of accomplishment. Sure, that’s valid– kids are common and not exactly as difficult to generate as equity partnership, which we all know is an amazing accomplishment that most people won’t have (due to lack of luck, talent, hard work, or a combo). Rainbow Hair and Senior Attorney interpret it as meaning important to you, cherished. I am sure that Anon for This will love and cherish her child more than her status as an equity partner.

        Neither are wrong. I suspect Anon for This meant that the kid is more exciting/interesting to others and treated as more significant than partnership.

      4. Oh man, so many responses for this. I did think about it as getting a fetus to implant versus the six years I put in to make partner. But I am being unfair to my friends and family — I had a party to celebrate making partner and it was awesome. I was originally not even planning to have a baby shower. It was more a case of specific people being more excited about the baby than making partner.

        Also, this should all be taken with a grain of salt because I haven’t had the baby yet, but who knows if I’ll even be good at being a parent? Or whether my kid will end up being great? Being made equity partner is celebrating that I am already really great at something. Not that I will have to work 18+ years to try to do a good job at something else.

    21. “but I am already sick of people and the wedding industry portraying it as the most important thing I have ever done and my wedding day being the biggest day of my life.”

      Some advice: the wedding industry portrays it as the most important day of your life because then you’re a bad person or shortchanging yourself if you don’t spend gobs of money on said wedding. “Good enough” isn’t “good enough” because it has to be “perfect.”

      The irony is that the reverse is true: if you’re marrying the right person, and so long as family and friends behave themselves*, your wedding will be a lovely day that you will look back upon with joy – and that is true of a $2,000 backyard BBQ wedding or a $75,000 wedding at a the Boston Public Library.

      *If this is not the case, post here and you’ll get some really fantastic advice. Also, thanks to all the women here for the advice you gave me.

    22. OP, just want to add that I felt the same and I get it.

      It is possible that your marriage will end (I truly hope not and am just making a point—it sounds like you two are in it to win it!) but the things you accomplished on your own—your degree, passing the bar and getting a great clerkship—are things no one can ever take away from you! It can be frustrating to feel like society values one so much more than the other.

      No advice, just validating your feelings

  5. How do people (do people???) make corrections when someone gets your gender wrong in an email? My first name is is a fully unisex name, and in my practice, it’s not unusual to interact with people without ever speaking to them. As a result, it is not uncommon for people to guess/assume I am Mr. XXXXX instead of Ms. XXXXX. This doesn’t bother me, but it does sometimes make for a moment of awkwardness for the other person if/when we do eventually speak or meet.

    How do other people address this situation? When I am faced with this own issue sending emails, I usually look up a person’s Linkedin profile or avoid using Mr/Ms entirely. My Linkedin profile is very easy to find and obviously shows I am a woman.

    Thoughts? Tips?

    1. I started including my pronouns in my email signature for this reason. I don’t care if people think it’s virtue signaling. I was tired of being called by the wrong pronouns.

      1. I think including your pronouns is a good idea. Could you also add a professional head shot to your e-mail profile?

          1. Not in the signature, but like on Outlook you can add a picture to show instead of your initials. Its pretty normal in my company.

    2. The two people I know who encounter this issue (one due to a unisex name and the other due to a name common in another part of the world, but not here) include information in their signature blocks. Ex: Ms. Taylor Smith. I haven’t asked how effective this is.

    3. When you reply, just say “It’s Ms. XXXX, but please just call me Anon.” I think including the Ms. in your signature block is also a good idea, but no guarantees people will look at it.

    4. I saw a signature recently where a woman with a man’s name (not a unisex name – a man’s name) simply put Ms. First Last in her email signature.

    5. Same issue. I don’t. I just let it go, and they figure it out when we get on a call. I don’t care enough to correct them, plus it’s a little fun to hear them be surprised – we usually both chuckle about it, and it breaks the ice.

    6. I just got misgendered on something where have a name that I bet no man in history has ever had (like “Lisa” or “Margaret” or “Camille” or “Britni”).

      1. I understand your point but Camille is a bad example, as it’s a French unisex name.

          1. I went to high school with a girl named Kevin. It was the first Kevin I’d known (odd I realize now) so for all of college I thought Kevin was a girl’s name!

          2. @TheElms, that’s hilarious! I know soo many Kevins I can’t believe you didn’t meet a boy Kevin until college. I think there were half a dozen at least in my high school graduating class.

    7. I have my preferred pronouns in my email signature and still get called Mr. Some people just lack reading comprehension or don’t pay attention.

    9. I have my pronouns in my email signature. My name is 1 letter off from a masculine name (think Will-Willa), and I sometimes get misgendered or called Will. I just write back and say, “It’s actually Ms. Jones/Willa/I’m a woman”. Not a big deal.

    10. A couple of years ago I was to be on a seminar panel with two male lawyers from other cities. One of them has a Korean name, Jae, and the other one addressed an a-mail to Jae and me with something like “good afternoon, ladies.” Jae responed, “Hey, Nick, I’m a dude,” then just moved to the substance of the email.

    11. I’m a female attorney with a unisex name. I don’t really care all that much. To be honest, I actually think it’s an advantage that sometimes people assume I’m a man, because they don’t automatically discount me or assume I’m the assistant, etc. I’ve always said that if I had a daughter, I’d give her a unisex name, too, for that very reason. It’s just been my experience, though.
      If I were concerned, I’d probably put “Ms.” in my signature.

  6. I need a new set of tires for my Subaru impreza. I am also due for a service maintenance with the dealer. Should I buy tires at the dealer or go to Costco? I have never done this and am so embarrassed how little I know about something I use everyday. I am driving around on a spare tire and need to figure things out quickly…so, I have come directly to the experts! Help!

    1. Call Costco and get a quote. Then call your dealer and see if they will match it. There’s a lot of markup in tires.

      If they are far apart, you will have to decide whether it’s worth it to just make one trip or two, but you can get a lot of information over the phone.

      FWIW, the last time I put tire on my (very old) car, Costco was the best price by more than $150 for mid-level tires.

    2. I have the same car — which I love — and when I needed to replace tires I got General Altimax tires, which were highly recommended by (maybe?) Consumer Reports. Local tire chains like Cassiday or Just Tires carry them. No need to go to dealer for this. But be aware that the Impreza’s 4WD will want to have 4 matching tires, so if you are saying you are driving on a spare because only one needs replacing, you may be told that you should replace all of them.

      1. FYI — When I checked last year, Costco did not sell any tires compatible with the Subaru Impreza.

    3. Costco is almost certainly a better deal, the dealer will charge you $$$. Costco probably has better service, too.

    5. Costco for sure. As long as they are in a convenient location for you to take advantage of free rotations etc…

      NEVER from the dealer. That’s the way to spend the most for tires.

    6. We saved TONS by going to Costco for tires and an independent mechanic for other work (like hundreds).

    7. Costco’s tire service (for tires you’ve purchased there) is also excellent. Also worth considering–Costco is virtually everywhere, so when I drove to San Francisco and had a flat, I took it to the Costco there even though I bought the tires somewhere totally different. I became a Costco believer that day :)

    8. Do NOT buy the tires from the dealer. You’ll pay way more than what the tires should actually cost you. Go to Costco, Sam’s Club, AutoZone, your local parts store… Do your research and see who has the best prices. You can even buy the tires online and have them delivered to your house, too, and have the dealer put them on for you, which they of course will charge you for, but you will save money on the actual tires.

  7. Does anyone have recommendations for a real estate lawyer in Boston? Unfortunately litigation and not transactional for some landlord issues.

    1. Don’t know if you’ll see this, but try Attorney Tom Nicholson of Finneran & Nicholson- they have two offices, one in Boston and one in Newburyport. He’s amazing, and has built a great practice over decades with Attorney Susan Finneran. Email is tom@finnic.com, and you can say he was recommended to you by Sarah on Corporette.

  8. I feel similar about my PhD vs my marriage. I have chalked it off to – they can personally relate much more to being married, while my career is a bit foreign to them. The good side of that is that they never questioned career choices that I made.
    In addition to that my family value private fulfillment higher than professional success.

  9. Hello Friends!
    I am looking for some work pants that can help hold in my pooch. I am finding my shirts are clinging to my newly grown belly (thanks, stress!) and am looking for work pants that are pull on with some support in the tummy area. I tried on a few pairs, but could not find a good fit. Any favorites?
    Thanks in advance!

      1. +1 to them fitting right across the pooch. These aren’t pull-on, but I like the loft skinny ankle pants for this.

      2. I should edit to say I have always had a pooch as well, however it is starting to impact the fit of my shirts. If I can find pants that fit right, I think I can avoid a complete closet overhaul. Thanks so much!!

    2. The Spanx ones are great but only come in black. Several different legs shapes though

  10. My parents are turning a couple of rental properties over to me that they have always self-managed to long-term tenants. One is turning over and I need to get some work with contractors (not worried about this) and then re-rent it. It will be a good way of seeing if I like this (may transition careers eventually if I like doing this work; am in a real-estate financial job now on the servicing end).

    At any rate, meeting new tenants can be . . . maybe an area where I need to think about good personal safety habits before I go about meeting just anyone alone (units are SF houses and one townhouse, so not a highrise condo or anything with external security). My parents either went together or it was just my dad but it was something they didn’t have to do all that often.

    I guess you can ask people to take a picture of their license as a first step (real bad guys might not respond when asked) and then obviously do some credit screening before leasing, but my concern is just on showing a place alone. I can let friends or my newish BF know what I’m up to when I might have a showing, but I don’t feel like I should have to drag a male friend along for safety for every showing (and I’m sure realtors don’t do this).

    1. Could you ask your dad to come along? His experience screening tenants might also be useful.

      1. I doubt it — he is having to take care of my mom in a nearish rehab facility and while he would come along if he could, I don’t think he or I can count on it.

    2. You’re right to ask these questions. People do this all the time so there are definitely some best practices to adopt. A good friend is a successful residential sales agent. Here’s what she has shared with me about her job over the years: let people know you’re doing a showing and when. Check ID in the street/in public/outside if you do not know the person before the tour. Let tenant walk ahead of you 100% of the time, exit rooms after they exit rooms, stand at the door and let them explore the bedroom and closets on their own, for example. Park car on the street/in the driveway that’s visible to the street so if anyone was looking for you, it’s easily visible from public thruways.

      If you need to bring someone along ,even if they stay in the car, at first for peace of mind, 100% do that. It’s what makes you comfortable, especially as you get your feet wet.

    3. Realtors don’t drag a male along but they do this every day and are experienced and it’s their job. I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable for you to bring backup/security. I think if it’s crossing your mind that maybe you should, then maybe you should.

      1. And also? It sucks that women have to think about this and men don’t. Ugh.

    4. Maybe tell potential tenants that you have another showing/meeting right after theirs, so no one thinks they have time to commit a crime and escape :/.

      Since you’re not really trying to be a real estate agent and will only have a limited amount of showings/it’s only a small part of what you do, I’d consider taking someone else with you for these initial meet-ups. Maybe you could hire an “assistant” for a modest hourly rate or something (a college student in the area with a flexible schedule? task rabbit?).

    5. Try the Bigger Pockets podcast about real estate investing – maybe they have an episode about this?

  11. I’ll be getting a sizeable bonus next month and had planned to use part of it to fully fund my 401k and my Roth, but given the state of the market I’m wondering if there are smarter things to do with it?

    Since I am currently making payroll deductions, I’d essentially be giving myself a raise if I fully funded them so then could use that money for other things and let the retirement funds ride the market.

    I haven’t been in this position before so I’m second guessing myself. Any thoughts?

    1. Buy buy buy while the market is low!
      Assuming you don’t have high interest debt to pay off, your plan sounds great.
      I am getting a bonus in another week and plan to top off an emergency fund, and invest the rest.

    2. Do you have more favorable tax implications if you tell your company to roll the money straight into a 401k they manage? Or is the tax hit on the $$ the same no matter what you do with it?
      If it’s the former, no question, roll it into your 401k. If it’s the latter, maybe take the cash and put it in a cd/money market/or other high yield savings account for 6 months. If you don’t buy stocks/don’t really feel comfortable making your own investment decisions (ie – you don’t know which stocks are worth buying ‘on sale’) it might be mentally easiest to ride out the downturn for a bit (not too long!!) and then invest.

    3. do it. do not make investment decisions based on headlines. you’re young (I assume). start saving for retirement. you’re investing for the long term.

      1. I’m actually fairly late career, but the bonus situation is new and I’ve never been in a position to be able to fund my accounts to the max. And now that I’m saying that I realize that it is exactly what I should do. Maybe I’ll take the “raise” I get from stopping my payroll deductions and try some different investments. It’s a great problem to have.

        1. late in career like near retirement? either way i’d still continue with your plan to put it in retirement accounts. Unless you’re all set for retirement which most people are not…..

    4. I hate debt so I’d be inclined to sock like half against student loan debt or mortgage and the rest in retirement savings. Don’t treat it as regular salary, that’s just ripe for lifestyle inflation. Do something specific with it – even a bucket list trip is better than adding it to regular salary and getting used to living day to day on the higher amount.

  12. I hate to put another Coronavirus post on here – sorry! My son’s classmate went to Italy last week and has been back to school this week. I am not sure if anyone really understood on Monday what the situation was like in Italy. But now that we are hearing more about self-quarantine measures, is it too late for his classmate to do that? My son said that the classmate doesn’t appear to have a cold or anything. I am not sure if I should say anything to his teacher asking about it…any thought so

    2. Totally depends on what part of Italy the kid went to. If the north, I’d say he should quarantine. I would raise the fact that Italy just closed all schools until March 15 to try and stop the spread so there should at least be a risk assessment done. Kids seem to be less affected so he could have it and be almost asymptomatic but still pass it on.

      1. UK is asking anyone who has been to Italy to self-quarantine for 14 days. This is up from an earlier request that applied only to those who had been to northern Italy.

  13. I like a capsule wardrobe. I am all good in colder weather and in professional environments, but I don’t know what to wear on the weekends when the weather gets warm. I’ve been pregnant a lot these past few years and my body is different than pre-baby me, so I literally have nothing that works.

    My stats: size 6/8 in Calvin Klein, 34G-H, straight up and down figure, soft mom belly.

    Please send ideas!

    2. I am pretty straight from the ribs down – I have a pair of high-rise, light-wash jeans that get a lot of wear in the summer. They look good with tank tops, half-tucked blouses, etc.

    3. What pants do you wear in the winter? Do they come in more summer appropriate fabrics? So for example, (I’m not your body type, I’m a pear) I know that the Loft curvy fit pants in slim as opposed to skinny look good on me. In winter I wear the full length ones, in summer I get ankle ones in summery fabrics like chambray.

  14. I am feeling very old looking at Anthro’s sale today – so many prairie dresses and babydoll shirts, two trends I did the first time around. Where does one get nice, interesting pieces after 40?

    1. I really like youlookfab.com for all kinds of wardrobe inspiration – they frequently post interesting things you can buy now, not just outfits.

    3. You might try brands with a bit more adult take on trends, like Rebecca Taylor, Hale Bob, or Trina Turk.

    4. There is a reason those pieces are in the sale section. No one else liked them either.

  15. I have a pair of jeans that are 88% cotton 12% elastane. I can zip up and button them but everything is uniformly too tight. Is there a way to relax and stretch out the fabric so they are more comfortable?

    1. Jeans that have stretch in the fabric, like these, are often best purchased slightly snug — they typically stretch out a bit with wear. Are they still too tight even after several wears?

      1. I’ve been known to squat/duck walk around the house in slightly-too-tight jeans.

  16. Any ideas on where to get cheap “gardening” clothes? DH and I are trying to conceive and doing the deed a lot more than usual (we’re generally once a weekers, so doing it every other day from days 10-20 is a big step up). I don’t want to spend a ton because it’s not really a necessary expense, but I’d like to spice things up a little to keep it fun and not so much of a chore. I’d love to avoid amazon if possible.

    1. Not a lot of advice on specific places except that I find JCrew and Gap have both upped their offerings in their lingerie sections and I usually find stuff on sale.

      We used the every other day method throughout my cycle (turns out I ovulate way later than I realized) and found that varying locations and time of day also kept things interesting. Rent a hotel for a night. Get it on in the living room right after supper – stuff that you can’t do after you have kids. Garden in the middle of the afternoon on the weekend.

    4. I had this same issue and am so happy to be able to help! I ended up finding a lot of suitable purchases at AdoreMe. Relatively inexpensive but good quality, and shipping is pretty fast/discreet. (It is a subscription but easy to skip.)

      1. Haha isn’t that the site that Brit Hume had up on his computer when he posted a screen shot to Twitter? That cracked me up so hard!

    6. It’s been several years now, but I once stopped in to the Cato store that was next to my main supermarket at the time and found some cute/risque things there, for cheap.

    7. I did boudoir photos last year and ordered several affordable things at Amazon. I still use them and they have lasted longer than I thought.

  17. Is there a commonly used software besides Dragon Naturally Speaking that office professionals use to type out spoken word? I just joined a new firm and my assistant supports 3 older partners who dictate their time entries, letters, etc. every day and my assistant is spending way too much time typing out the dictations. Even if it’s not perfect, her job has to be easier and faster to start from some kind of draft transcript and do clean up from there. Does anyone have any suggestions?

      1. Having it processed in the cloud sounds like it would be cheaper and easier. Thank you for the article!

    2. This is for Hollis – paralegal here; I recommend Big Hand Professional (their actual software is Dragon, I believe, but Big Hand interfaces between the software and the users). When I first started, back in the 90s, I had to transcribe quite a bit of dictation the old-fashioned way, on a machine, from tiny tapes that the partners gave me. My current boss only occasionally needs letters or documents transcribed, but he considers our Big Hand subscription worth it. He uses his iPhone for the dictation, then emails it to Big Hand, which transcribes it and emails it to me. Yes, it’s done in the cloud, but it’s great – basically, the entire document is transcribed into text that I download in the Big Hand app on my computer. I can then open it in Word and listen to it to make any necessary corrections, since the machine transcription depends on how clearly my boss speaks, and whether he remembers to speak all punctuation marks. There are a few quirks, but I’m used to them – the program still can’t spell his last name, and comes up with hilarious variations. The transcriber does need to order a headset and foot pedal that are computer compatible, but that wasn’t a big deal.

      1. Julie – this sound awesome and I’ve never heard of Big Hand Professional before. Sorry for my ignorance, but why is the foot pedal needed?

          1. Wow, you remember that? The infamous tape gap! Anyway, Hollis, TheElms is right. For transcription, which includes listening to the recording, the foot pedal is easier for playing the recording, stopping it, “rewinding” if needed, so that you don’t have to take your hands off the keyboard. Both the foot pedal and the headset plug into your computer.

            It doesn’t happen often, but there were two instances in which I received the audio that my boss had recorded, but not the emailed transcription. He was out of the office and it was inconvenient to try to get hold of him to ask him to re-send the recordings, so I transcribed them the old-fashioned way, just from the audio. But as I said, that only happened twice. Normally I just listen to the recordings while I’m proof-reading and editing the emailed text from BigHand.

  18. I’m pretty sure this is a giant can of worms, but curious on peoples’ thoughts. Regardless of your party politics, to what extent do you feel age should be a consideration of ability to lead the country?

    My FIL turned 80 yesterday and it really hit home for me that Bloomberg, Biden and Sanders are all the same age. My FIL has been slowly declining for probably the past 3-5 years. Nothing major, but he is not the sharp-minded, on-the-ball man he was when he was in his early 70s. Frankly, I’m not even sure he should be driving a car–but that’s another story.

    I know different people age differently, and OF COURSE there are 80 year olds that are in way better shape than 60 year olds. And heck, the Queen of England is still hanging around!

    Is the President a role where we need that sharp-as-a-tack* mind and somewhat steady physical state? Or is it more of a figurehead role where you can Queen of England style rule from afar? I’m picturing George W in NYC right after 9/11 or Katrina. NO WAY my FIL (or George W now!) could get himself out there in a hardhat like that.

    I can’t picture my FIL on the campaign trail, the debate stage, or even staying up past 10pm (I’m looking at you, old west wing episodes with President Bartlett in his jammies).

    *let’s set aside the, ah, things that come out of the current leader’s mind. I don’t think he’s actually got dementia or is slowing down. He’s just got the same…personality? (trying to keep things neutral) that he’s had his entire life.

    Thoughts?

    2. No, Trump shows many signs of cognitive decline. His personality is as nasty as it ever was though.

      1. Let’s take him off the table entirely then. Is your answer “no, a person that is 80 is just fine to run the country?” And if so, is it because of your confidence in that theoretical person’s current and forward looking sharpness, or because the role is more of a figurehead/ advisory role?

        I’m approaching this from a pretty theoretical standpoint. I’m “team blue no matter who” on this one, but seeing the huge difference in age (and associated experience!) coupled with seeing my age-equivalent relative this weekend just got me thinking.

      2. Yeah if you watch videos of him from 10-15 years ago, he speaks much more coherently and uses a much bigger vocabulary. He’s definitely always been a racist and narcissist but his inability to put together a coherent sentence is relatively new.

        1. This. I’m worried if he wins again, how things will work if his cognitive decline continues. I don’t think there’s a modern precedent for a situation where the President is too cognitively (vs. just morally) impaired to make decisions.

          1. Reagan was documented to have Alzheimers in his second term, and both aides and reporters (namely, Leslie Stahl who did a personal interview) saw signs of cognitive decline in 1986. Those around Reagan hid the issues until he was out of office, which is what is likely to happen again.

            I’m team blue no matter who as well, and believe the current president is a danger to this country, just saying there is a precedent.

    3. Pretty sure Trump has dementia, and that anger is what’s keeping Bernie alive. Biden seems like he’ll be fine – I think he’d be happy to take advice from a competent cabinet and VP. He’s seen first hand how hard the Presidency is and I suspect has plans in place on how to deal if he feels age is slowing him down.

      That said, really looking forward to 2024 when hopefully people other than old white dudes will have a shot.

      1. Hmm, I am less confident about Biden happily taking guidance from others. Whenever he commits a gaffe and then doubles down on it, or defends something he’s done when he could just admit it was a mistake, I think “I bet several really good staffers told him how to handle this correctly, and he just wouldn’t listen to them.” He seems like a righteous, self-assured older white man willing to cut off his nose to spite his face, similar to Bill Clinton.

        This is actually my biggest concern about him as a candidate, less so than as a potential president.

      3. Agree that anger is keeping Bernie alive. With Biden, would feel better about him if he hadn’t recently said that he was running for the Senate. Oy.

      4. My grandmother was the meanest, most bitter person ever, and she lived to be 95 with almost no decline until a few months before her death. I totally believe anger keeps people alive. My dad and I used to joke that she lived so long and well (relatively speaking) because she sucked the life out of everyone around her.

    4. People really do age differently. There are plenty of people in their 80s who are running circles around me. Since there are so many people who stay sharp into their 90s, I think logically it’s best to assume there’s a medical comorbidity at play when someone does not, even if age increases the risk of comorbidity, and even if medical science hasn’t pinned down what’s going on yet. It’s a bit lazy to chalk things up to “aging” when age alone isn’t an adequate explanation.

      1. I asked here because I know a lot of folks work with older lawyers. In my industry people seem to cash out and retire into “advisory only” type roles in their 60s and then fully check out after 70. I don’t see a lot (any) octogenarians in the workplace.

        1. Interesting. My context is higher ed, where many professors remain very active researchers as emeriti. They are not people you’d want to underestimate. I think they were looking forward to this stage of their careers.

          I was also thinking of my grandparents, who aged very differently from one another. I am honestly concerned about Biden because the mistakes he makes (e.g., introducing his wife as his sister) remind me so much of my one grandmother when she started to decline. But my other grandparents never declined that I could tell.

          1. (Though someone just explained to me that he has always been gaffe prone, so maybe it’s more just a personality type.)

          2. Biden is gaffe prone (and I say that as a fan!) but the introducing his wife as his sister is because they switched places behind them. When they went up the stairs they were on opposite sides of him.
            I think he will surround himself with really solid people.

          3. he has always been gaffe prone

            There was a great story in The Atlantic in January – Biden is a stutterer. It explains so much – he talks around the letters he can’t pronounce, which can lead to awkwardness.

            My dad was a stutterer. He was really smart but was self conscious his whole life about his stutter and thought he was stupid because he couldn’t speak with fluidity.

            Knowing that Biden is a stutterer and having the background with my dad, I am far less worried about Biden’s gaffes than I was before.

            https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/01/joe-biden-stutter-profile/602401/

          5. Thank you for explaining about the stuttering; that also helps me understand.

    5. The Queen has genetics (her 101-year-old mother was active up until the last few months, not years, of her life) and the differences of her role on her side. Her responsibilities have been spread, apparently manageably, over her entire life, as opposed to a sudden four-year period of intense demands in her late seventies. She has a structured routine that has allowed her regular time to herself for decades.

      I’m very interested in who Biden’s VP pick will be, because I think it’s likely they’ll be almost as important as he is.

      1. Agree that the VP is important. Especially with coronavirus going around! I feel like odds are pretty good that one of these 70-something men is going to be taken out by it. They’re not exactly practicing “social distancing” and they’re all the right demographic for serious illness/death.
        I really hope Biden picks a woman (would love Harris or Klobuchar) but I think he might pick Mayor Pete. Saying he reminds him of Beau is about the highest compliment Biden can give, and you could tell it was sincere.

        2. I hadn’t read this- that’s just….I kind of teared up. What an incredible compliment.

        3. That’s sweet, but I want someone with experience. Mayor Peter is just another mediocre white male with none.

          As for Biden’s personal life, I appreciate that he has gone through tragedies because I’m sure it makes him a more empathetic person. To be clear, I would never wish the family deaths he’s gone through on anyone, they’ve happened and I don’t think someone can go through that without a fundamental impact on their sense of self. I’ve been through loss too and I would be happy in a way (not quite the right emotion, but not sure how else to describe it) to know that our president has too.

          1. I read Promise Me, Dad and then saw him speak a few years ago and I really saw that he is devoted to doing the right thing for the county. One thing he said that I remember is that Melinda Gates said “Can you define America for me in one word?”
            “Yes, in one word, and I mean this: possibilities.”

          2. I would also prefer a woman VP and someone with national experience, but give credit where credit is due. Pete is clearly not a “mediocre” person. He served in the military (in a war zone) as a counter-intelligence officer, has a degree from Harvard and was a Rhodes Scholar. He’s a smart and very capable white male.

        4. Dad says that they have Pence all over the Corona virus issue, as he has little else to do. Does anyone here know if you can get the Virus from taking the MTA Busses? I was told that the subways are worse then the busses b/c they can’t really clean the subways b/c of all of the tunnels and all, but the busses are simpler, and they said they would wash them down every day. I walk, but on Saturday, I do NOT want to have to go from 77th all the way over to Nordstrom on the West Side unless I can take the bus, and I figure it will be less busy then it is on the weekdays.

          3. I think Trump saddled Pence with the coronavirus response so that he could dump Pence if it goes badly and take the credit if it goes well.

          5. Oh 100%, the coronavirus thing is a lose-lose for Pence..if he fails he’s entirely to blame, if he succeeds Trump takes credit. It was exactly the kind of thing that happened to Selina Meyer in the early seasons of Veep.

    6. To become a viable presidential candidate, you’re already on the far far end of the bell curve in terms of energy, ambition, intelligence, stamina, and resources. So a 70+ year old that gets into this position isn’t your average 70-year-old, and has likely been an exceptional person their entire life. (Say what you will about POTUS, it’s undeniable that he’s exceptional.) Your FIL isn’t a highly relevant comparison.

      1. POTUS has energy and resources, I’ll give him that – although not as many resources as he was born with.

      2. I don’t think Trump is exceptional at all, except in the sense that he was born wealthy and most people aren’t.

        1. I mean, plenty of wealthy people don’t start in several seasons of a hit TV show, nor have their names plastered on tons of buildings, nor build brands in their own images, nor get featured in numerous rap songs. Obviously all of these opportunities were contingent on his starting with wealth, but what he’s done since then is exceptional. I mean, he’s the freaking president. By definition, exceptional.

    7. I don’t think Biden is as intellectually sharp as Warren for sure, but I doubt he ever was, so not sure it’s all age-related. Regardless, I trust Biden to surround himself with competent people and listen to them, so I’m not worried. One of the big problems with Trump is that he doesn’t do that.

      1. If I were a guy, I could distinguish between my wife and my sister. And TBH seeing his wife save him from the vegan protester, I’d probably pick the wife over him. Her reflexes are spot-on.

        1. Oh come on. They switched sides right before he started speaking. Anyone could have gotten confused. Also keep in mind Biden has a stutter. I think some of his verbal gaffes are related to that.

    8. This does concern me and agreed it makes the VIP pick very important. Even if they are the type that could run circles around me now, 4 years at that stage a lot can change and quickly.

    9. First thought is: whatever we think about this doesn’t matter — it’s not like anyone is going to make any changes in their voting patterns based on this question.

      Second thought: I’d base it nearly entirely on what kind of people they would pick to surround them. If you are a mature, wise, experienced good leader and surround yourself with mature, competent, wise people, your load is spread out.

      Third thought: I don’t think many people who are mature, wise, experienced, good leaders make it to their party’s nomination stage. Those qualities seem at odds with the qualities that make someone able to be a stand-out politician.

    10. If they’re up for campaigning, I think they’re up for the job. My grandpa lived alone on a rural farm until he was 86. He felt ill, went to the hospital, and died 2 weeks later peacefully. There’s a woman in my chorus who is 80, and we rehearse until 9:45 PM. I know an 82 year old who volunteers walking dogs at an animal shelter daily. It really depends on the person.

      1. This. My yoga teacher is 72. I’ve been doing yoga for ten years and she’s still better than me.

      2. The local news just had a spot on a 99 year old lady who takes the county Aging van to the local elementary school 5 days per week to serve as lunch lady two hours per day “because it’s better than sitting home watching the four walls” :)

        My grandfather didn’t slow down at all until he was in his mid-90s. He was still up on a ladder cleaning the gutters himself (and giving my grandmother a heart attack in the process) into his early 90s. He had been an engineer and was sharp-as-a-tack. My husband’s grandfather, same story. He’s 94. He built a carport about 5 years ago all by himself! Did all the calculations in his head, worked the saw, etc.

      3. when I realized that Warren is basically the same age as the other three, I stopped focusing on the number.

        1. She’s not the same age…she’s 70, Biden is Biden is 77, Bernie is 78, Bloomberg is 78.
          In your 50s, 7-8 years is not that significant. In your 70s, it is. There was enormous physical and mental decline in all my grandparents between 70 and 78.

          1. Wow! I assumed she was mid60s at the most. I hope I look that great and I’m that sharp at 70.

          2. I’m the OP here and this, exactly. Warren is the same age as my still-spritely MIL. At the end of a 4-year term she would be 75.

            I really did mean this as more of a theoretical discussion. I’d been looking back at photos of Clinton/Gore, Bush/Cheney and Obama/Biden. Cheney is the oldest of the pack and 79 NOW and he last served a decade ago. DJT is older than Pence and he’s “only” 73.

            Like I said, I am mostly just interested in hearing opinions and experiences as the majority of senior leadership in my industry maxes out in their 60s and then moves somewhere warm and sunny to play golf.

      4. But the difference here is that if there is a significant decline (4 years at this age is a lot!) I think we have seen that there is not really a great precedent or procedure for forcing them out, particularly as they would likely be in denial. The poster above’s yoga teacher (just to take one of the examples) isn’t locked into her position for the next 4 years. Also, if she insists on doing it after deterioration people could just stop taking her class etc. Here the stakes are HUGE.

  19. What color lipstick would you wear with a bright red dress? Red lipstick plus red dress seems like too much, but nude seems like not enough.

    1. How about a your-lips-but-better color? I have a lipstick that looks like my lip color but enhanced – works well when I don’t ant to try to coordinate lip color with outfit.

    2. How about a sheer red – not quite so matchy-matchy, but still has some presence?

    3. Agree on the nude possibility. Sometimes I like an earthy rose neutral like Mac Twig to pair with burgundies, perhaps it would work well with red also.

    5. I feel like nude can work if you amp up the eye makeup (which probably works well with a red dress anyway unless you’re actively trying to avoid a sexy vibe).

  20. PSA: If you have a suit sitting in your closet that you’ve haven’t tried on in awhile, I recommend you slip into it tonight just to make sure it still fits. Better to find out now than when getting dressed on the morning you need to wear it somewhere, so you can take any appropriate steps including buying a new suit!

    See, e.g., me this morning finding out that my old-reliable suit now has “the smile” due to holiday weight not yet lost… oops. Oh well, at least I was able to zip it up.

    1. Oh yeah, I’m always in the habit of trying something on a day or two ahead of time, in case it turns out I need to figure something else out.

  21. Has anyone done invisalign? How much did the mess with your daily routines at all? If I did it, it would be for over a year, so trying to figure out if it’s worth it. If it’s just taking it out to eat, I think I could deal with that. I already wear a night guard at night, so pretty used to sleeping with something in my mouth.

    1. One of the partners at my firm is doing this. She seems to be happy with it. It’s kind of gross if you take it out in front of people before meals, but not a big deal if you are discreet. Sometimes she seems a little distracted by the discomfort when she starts using a new set. It definitely seems like a better option than getting braces.

    2. Hey there- I’m a year+ Invisalign graduate myself, too. I found it to be not bad at all, but my boss has it and is such a wimp about the pain. I found I would be a little sore the first few hours after switching a new tray but that was it. As for disruption, I am not a big snacker, but if you are, it gets a little annoying. I would *only* drink water with mine in, so it’s really the things like morning coffee or drinks at a bar that I found annoying because while they were easy to take out, I *always* washed my hands before digging them inside my mouth to pull them off or put them back in. So less likely to nurse a tea over the course of a morning because that would be either too much time with them off or too much popping them in and out just for a sip here and there. It just condensed my eating/drinking time, but as I said, I’m not a big snacker.

    3. I’ve done it! I graduated to night retainers in October I think, to show how recent my memories might be. It was very little trouble–taking them out to eat was no big deal. I think they only had to be worn maybe 18-20 hours a day, which was pretty loose.

      You didn’t ask, but I wish I’d discovered foaming denture cleaners earlier, as well as some particular toothbrushes, given to me by the regular dentist and not the orthodontist. Cleaning the inserts was fiddly, and spraying toothpaste all over the bathroom mirror was common.

      You ALSO didn’t ask, but the frequent appointments got to me. I’m very compliant and had no problems, so to be brought in so often as if I were a middle schooler who needed encouragement was a major waste of time for someone with a day job and a busy after-work schedule. The technicians mentioned “patient care” as if they had been counseled to do certain things in order to give more personal attention than the storefront or mail-in option–Smile Something?? Direct? I just didn’t need it, although I don’t see what lesson you can take away from my personal experience, so sorry if this is unhelpful.

      However, please ask anything specific you can think of!

      1. This is SUPER helpful! Thank you! Your things that I didn’t ask about are exactly why I asked my original question…what aren’t I considering? I’ll have to ask my dentist’s office about the multiple appointments – I’d hate that too!

        It’s been in the back of my mind for probably a decade, and I need them for non-cosmetic reasons (TMJ and teeth wearing issues from a bad bite in the back of my mouth). Also, I can finally afford it without much financial pain now.

        1. After seeing the other replies here, I have to add that I had NO pain, maybe just a tiny twinge, an awareness, when putting in a new set.

          I was not great about hygiene (hence the denture fizzies recommendation) and drank coffee and iced tea for hours with them in. Yes, they were quite, uh, beige when I finished a set. Graduating to a clean new set was so welcome. Originally I had hoped that they would require more abstention from eating and drinking and I’d lose weight, but I adapted all too well.

          I don’t know if anyone noticed them or cared that I had them.

          Mine were entirely preventive–there’s a thing called mesial drift that I’ve seen in older ladies, where the bottom teeth get all crooked, picket-fence-y. So in a year when I had extra HSA funds, I went for it.

          I really wish I’d been more assertive about the frequent visits. This is fresh in my mind as I just went last week for a three-month check-up, and I think he’d forgotten that he asked me to come in. He said to come back in six months and I didn’t make an appointment. SO THERE! If I lose one, I call and order it’ otherwise I truly hope I’m finished!

        2. If you are having bite issues addressed, I would be vary wary of a mail-set where you don’t see an orthodontist as regularly. Yes, the visits can be annoying every 4-6 weeks, but even if you are the perfect patient, bite is going to be different than just “straightening” the teeth and you will really want an ortho monitoring the process to make sure you are on track. Signed, did three rounds of Invisalign to correct a bite issue that will never fully be perfect without having my jaw broken and re-set so my doctor and I have settled at “the best we can do.” I hope our future children have my husband’s perfect-just-needed-a-brief-retainer teeth. (And in case you are wondering, I had the full expander, retainer, braces as a teen, too!) By the way, even with the three rounds, I only paid for one because if it wasn’t “right” by the end, Invisalign did a new scan and new round. I do not know if they still do this and am pretty sure the mail-ins don’t do it because they cannot monitor your compliance like regular ortho visits can. Worth asking around what happens if your bite isn’t as predicted by the end. Also, my ortho gave a discount if I paid upfront, which I did and was able to do with FSAs.

    4. I’m about four months into invisalign. It’s been amazing. I find it relatively painless, effective, and discreet.

      There are two ways in which it interfered with my daily routine. First, it is somewhat noticeable. Most people have discreet brackets attached to their teeth to support teeth rotations. The brackets change the profile of your teeth. And the invisalign themselves are a bit shiny. I don’t mind talking about them, but I’ve noticed several people mention them to me (normally with curiousity because they’ve been considering them).

      Second, invisalign do interfere with my day-to-day eating and drinking habits. For best results and for the health of your teeth, orthodontists recommend wearing the retainers for 20-22 hours of day. You also should brush your teeth before you put the retainers back in. That leaves relatively little time to eat, makes it hard to leisurely sip morning coffee or manage weddings or happy hours, and might leave you navigating brushing your teeth in public restrooms on occasion. I’d say it took about a month to develop a new routine for eating that accommodated the wear time/teeth brushing requirements. It continues to take some mental energy to manage situations that come up.

      With those costs in mind, I couldn’t be happier with the results I’m already seeing. I highly, highly recommend it.

    5. I did invisalign in law school! I say do it. It does change your eating and drinking habits, but you get used to it. I would just run to the bathroom and pop them out if eating in public, then pop them back in after. I never made it a habit of brushing after every meal. I would clean them twice a day in an ultrasonic denture cleaner + use Ortho Retainer Brite denture tabs (I’ve tried lots of alternatives, these are superior). I drank lots of water with them in, occasionally a sprite with a straw, and even beer. One thing to consider, is that they don’t show in the ads that you will have little tooth colored plastic things bonded to your teeth during your invisalign treatment. They’re visable, but not very noticible. It’s just kind of misleading because literally none of the marketing shows them.

    6. My husband has had them for about a year now and will be done in the near future. He’s had minimal pain and they have worked fantastically, but he’s been very compliant about keeping them in for the 22 hours a day. The only time he had some discomfort was on a day he went several hours before he could get home to put them back in. His teeth were really crooked and now they look amazing. The cosmetic part was actually a lot faster (significant change within the first six or so months IIRC) than the fine tuning the orthodontist has been doing on his bite.

      Eating is a hassle. He never snacks anymore because you have to brush and floss your teeth and brush your invisalign before putting it back in and it’s just not worth it for him. He works from home, so that’s convenient, but travel and eating out are both more of an endeavor. Even so, he still says it was definitely worth it.

  22. Help me figure out how to do this without being an AH…I take private language classes from a place with multiple teachers and classes. I had a tutor who was great but she went on maternity leave. They found me a new one (and it wasn’t easy because the time I want is popular) and… he’s just not good. I want to ask them to switch me but wondering how I do it without seeing high maintenance. My issue with him is that he seems to have no lesson plan but worse than that, he does this thing where we will be going through questions and he reads the question and starts answering them himself which is really not helping me learn!

    I think my feedback above might make me sound too petty and harsh (he’s a really nice old guy), so wondering if I should soften it and say something like: I prefer someone who can focus more on structured grammar teaching.

    1. “I find I’m not making the same progress I was with my previous teacher. Could I be assigned a new teacher to see if a change in teaching dynamic helps?”

    3. I think it’s fine to say that you like him, but his style isn’t a great fit for how you learn.

    5. Does “structured grammar teaching” get at the changes you really want? I think being specific about what you want is great — someone with a prepared lesson plan who will give you plenty of time to speak/allow you to practice your speech more. Be prepared for them to say your current instructor can include more “structured grammar practice” for you (and feel free to say no if you really want a new instructor). Don’t feel like you’re high maintenance. It’s fine to request a change and they should welcome the chance to keep your business.

    1. I’m just curious whether she will endorse Bernie. There’s a lot of pressure on her to “unite the left” (although I doubt it really matters bc Bloomberg + Biden got more Super Tuesday votes than Warren + Sanders) but I feel like she’s a bit of a maverick and may not do what people insist she has to.

      1. I’m leaning towards that she’ll endorse Biden after her and Bernie’s spat over electability back in December. And I hope she does.

        1. This. I think she’ll endorse Biden because she doesn’t think Bernie has the temperament to be President. Bernie Bros will lose their minds if she endorses Biden. Interesting to see if she ends up as VP pick or in cabinet.

          1. A Bernie bro friend of mine, who I am quickly getting to the point of not discussing politics with, thinks she will endorse Biden because “ I’m a cynical (person) that knows the biggest part of politics is remaining seated as close to power as possible.” There was a lot I could say to that and decided not to, like that maybe, possibly if she endorses Biden it will not be to serve herself but because the country needs a level-headed leader who can cross the aisle and isn’t a jerk?

        2. I would love that but I don’t think she will. She and Biden have a history of animosity too, and his views are way out of sync with hers. Honestly, even endorsing no one (which I think she may do) would be a huge slap in Bernie’s face. I personally don’t think she’ll go farther than that. I don’t see Biden offering her VP because she’s younger than him but still pretty old and not from a key swing state.

      2. I find it so interesting how everyone eschews identity politics, except when it’s a white woman being passed over. It will be her turn when she actually shows integrity and trustworthiness. She tried to straddle both sides for votes, and it was a losing strategy. You can’t expect progressives to back you, but then flip-flop on Medicare For All, decide to take Super PAC money, hedge on the student debt crisis, not address your Native American ancestry debacle, and a myriad of other things. “I’ve got a plan for that” falls flat when your record has shown that you will likely not stick to your plan.

        1. +1. I know a lot of Warren supporters, which I was at one point, feel her failed campaign was due to sexism but I think this played a larger role.

          1. I agree with this. I wasn’t a Warren supporter for a lot of the reasons stated above but I agree that the standard is so completely different for women. Accomplishments need to be twice as good to get noticed and “problems” only need to be half as bad to be an issue.

        3. I mean, I dislike all politicians. There isn’t a single one that I hold in high esteem or agree with generally, so all the things you point out do not surprise me in a politician, male or female. You could write a similar list for every politician — that’s why I don’t like them.

          I just want the fact that she’s a woman to not be counted against her, and it’s fairly clear to me that it was, specifically on the issue of “electability.” That’s what’s upsetting for me.

        4. What do you mean, “everyone eschews identity politics?” “Identity politics” is a conservative dog whistle that essentially means “asserting an interest in an issue that does not primarily benefit or concern straight white Christian men.”

      3. Never. No one gets “a turn.” There is no waiting line. Every election, candidates decide to run, and hopefully we each vote for the person we believe will do the best job for our country, regardless of their gender, race, religion, etc. It’s a new race every time.

        1. Do you seriously think that the playing field is even for everyone, regardless of their gender, race, religion, etc?

          1. I made no reference to the playing field. My point is that waiting for “our turn” is naive and futile. There is no waiting line.

  24. I am always a mess when travelling- dictating notes on my iphone, etc.

    What are your favourite iphone/tablet apps for use when travelling? I have oneNote added now, wondering what else out RoadWarriors use?

    Thanks

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