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Coffee Break: Caviar Rope Bracelet

Lagos braceletI'm not usually a fan of bracelets — especially for the office (too noisy, interfere with typing!) — but this simple silver bracelet looks great, either as a gift idea or, ahem, for yourself. I like the heavy feel, and the simplicity of the silver. It's very highly rated at Nordstrom; the pictured one is $395, but there are lots of similar options for more or less. LAGOS Caviar Rope Bracelet (L-3)

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236 Comments

  1. My MIL gave me this bracelet last year and I love it, but it has broken a couple of times (and I’m not super hard on bracelets), so I would definitely buy it from someplace with good customer service like Nordstrom and definitely include the gift receipt if gifting.

  2. Oh wow, this is beautiful, and not usually something I’d wear. Excellent pick

  3. I’m putting in my 2 weeks notice tomorrow and will be starting a new job the first week of January. My new health insurance doesn’t kick in until February 1st. Do I need to buy insurance for January? Or just pay a fine?

    1. I think you can have one short gap each year without paying any fines. I don’t know how long it is but I think it’s likely that covers you.

      1. You can have something like a 2 or 3 month gap in coverage. It’s in the FAQs on healthcare.gov.

      2. The gap is 2 months max due to unemployment. Also, a person laid off on Jan 6 can count the whole month as having insurance (for tax purposes)

    2. Assuming you’re comfortable doing retractive COBRA if somehing happens in January, check the IRS site to figure out the size of the fine. I did this in Massachussets about 7 years ago (pre-federal insurance requirement but MA had something similar), and the state level fine was a fraction of the monthly COBRA premium.

    3. Why take a chance and not buy insurance for the month? I’ve never let myself go uncovered… even for a couple weeks.

      Use cobra from your work, or buy the cheapest possible ACA plan for the month.

      Otherwise….. don’t ride your bike, drive your car, go skiing, cross the street, jump, fall, work out at your gym, walk while texting/talking/surfing, walk in snow, ice skate, go sledding, hold your breath while sneezing, go to the chiropractor, eat at a buffet, eat out, play with children…

      I know healthy young people my age who have all had major “accidents” or illnesses from doing all the above things that required pricey medical care.

      Why take a chance when it comes to your health? Are you broke? Then this is important enough that I would charge it on my credit card. ESPECIALLY if you can’t pay for all of the health care you could need from any of those “accidents”…. yourself.

      1. You do realize that you can elect into COBRA retroactively, right? So you’re not taking that much of a risk when your gap is this short such that if anything happened before Feb. 1, OP could be covered going back to the end date of her prior coverage. It’s pretty common and smart practice for people who don’t have conditions requiring ongoing visits/prescriptions to wait to elect until if/when they actually need it.

        OP, you should be exempt since your gap is only one month max.* I’d hold off on buying anything and elect into COBRA if something were to happen.

        *If you’re giving notice tomorrow, does that mean your last day will technically be Jan. 1? Depending on your employer, you may end up getting coverage for the whole month of January.

      2. Yeah you’re taking absolutely no risk by not getting independent insurance when you have the option to elect COBRA. If you need it, it’s retroactive to the date you lost your previous coverage. You just need to make sure you have new insurance before the COBRA election period expires. Even my mom is on board with doing this and she is the most “OMG YOU NEED HEALTH INSURANCE AT ALL TIMES YOU CAN NEVER EVER EVER BE UNINSURED” person I’ve ever met.

        1. Ok – it’s kind of cheating, but I guess because everyone else is doing it….

          I didn’t do that, and you do understand that is not the spirit of that benefit.

          1. It’s not cheating. If you retroactively elect to use COBRA, you pay from the date you lost your previous coverage.

          2. What? No. How is it cheating? They could easily make it so it’s not retroactively applied and you had to purchase it immediately or lose the right to it. They have it retroactive specifically so you can elect it if something bad happens.

          3. Totally not cheating – you are specifically given 60 days to decide. You still have to pay the premiums, so it’s not like you are getting something for free.

            See 8 and 9 from the DOL webpage. http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq-consumer-cobra.html

            Heck, the law allows you to revoke a waiver of coverage in the 60 days as well. That’s exactly the spirit of the benefit.

      3. Not everyone has COBRA – I’m in this situation and I’m buying insurance for the month. My prior employer doesn’t have to offer COBRA, so that’s not an option for me. I’m just gonna buy it for the month.

    4. I can’t believe your insurance doesn’t cover you for 30 days after your last day.

    5. Hope you don’t work with me. Two weeks is all but eaten by Christmas and New Years. That not giving notice. That’s getting paid holiday.

  4. I’m planning to buy a $150-200 restaurant gift card for my brother and his wife for Christmas, and I would love some help choosing a place or a good restaurant group. The catch is that my sister-in-law has an extremely busy and unpredictable job involving tons of travel. They would never be able to go someplace that required more than a day or two to get a reservation. I’m thinking the ideal choice would be a place that has a nice weeknight scene that’s not too happy hour-ish. They’re currently living in corporate housing near DuPont Circle. Does anyone have any suggestions? I’d be happy to pick a place that doesn’t cost $75 per person- they could always bring friends or go more than once.

    1. I think you can get gift cards for the following two restaurant groups, both of which would provide a few options and where weeknight reservations are usually doable.

      First, Jose Andres’s restaurants which are called the “Think Food Group.” (including Jaleo, Zaytinya, etc.)

      Second, the restaurant group including Bombay Club and Rasika, plus some other places. Fantastic Indian food. Called “Knightsbridge Group.”

    2. I would do the group with Rasika (Knightsbridge Restaurant Group), the Jose Andres ThinkFoodGroup (includes Zaytinya), or EatWellDC (includes more neighborhood-type places). While there are a few restaurants in some of the groups that would require a little advance planning for a weekend reservation, I think if you were flexible, you could make it work (plus they could always reserve in advance and then cancel if it turned out the date no longer worked).

    3. Clyde’s Restaurant Group? It will give them options at different price points.

    4. Jose Andres’ Think Food Group might be a good option. $200 would get them a great meal at Jaleo, Zaytinya, Oyamel etc., and though they are “modern” restaurants, they are not so hot that you can’t get a reservation a day or two in advance, or same day for a weeknight.

    7. If Open Table is used in DC, I’d get a gift certificate from them – at least in the Bay Area you can use it at almost all the restaurants that book through them, so you have just about everything to choose from.

    8. Third-Ing the Andreas empire. I did the tasting menu at Zatinya and it was super fun.

  5. I accidentally dropped a pair of earrings into the bottom of my purse and didn’t realize it for a while. I think they are sterling silver (they were a gift) and now they are scratched. Not completely unusable now but not as nice as they were. Is there anything out there that can fix it??

  6. How would you wear the featured dress from this morning in the winter? I am having a hard time styling it in colder weather.

    1. With tights and boots! I don’t think it would work well with a sweater or jacket over the sleeves.

    2. I’d add a scarf, either an infinity style or one long enough to go around the neck twice. My neck gets cold if I don’t have a jacket on.

  7. I am planning to give my nephew a photo album where he can keep postcards I send him from my travels. I was planning to pick up something at Target, but they no longer have them. Any ideas? Does not have to be OMG amazing, but I’d like it to be sturdy because he is only 1. The idea is that he will keep it forever, haha :)

    2. Someplace like Michael’s, AC Moore, or Hobby Lobby. Maybe Joann Fabrics.

    4. Many post cards are not standard size! I’ve collected them for years (sent by friends) and keep them in a box for this reason.

  8. I just found out I am not getting a job I have been interviewing for since September. What should I do to cheer myself up? I just need a one day pick me up to feel better.

    1. You rang? I’m available tonight at bars across the country in absurdly festive special varieties. I’m happy to facilitate impromptu dancing, crying with your brand new BFFs, or banging a hot stranger. I pair well with Uber and Gatorade.

      1. I’ve had a rotten work day and this put a smile on my face and made me lol :D

      4. But sometimes when I am sad you just make me feel even more sad. But maybe that’s just how I’m going to feel for today…

        1. Exactly! I can’t predict tonight’s emotions. But I can 100% guarantee if you use me correctly, tmrw your only emotion will be “hangover.” #flawlessplan

        2. It’s ok to be sad! Sometimes I think we dwell on always trying to feel happy, but it’s okay to be sad for a while if things happen that actually make you sad.

        3. I was going to say — it’s also OK to let yourself be upset/disappointed. If you know you’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep, just allow yourself a good wallow today!

        4. Indeed, shots! shots! shots! almost always leads to ugly shower crying for me…

        1. I myself don’t run. But exercise makes me feel better. I like a zumba or booiaka class. YMMV.

          2. For max results, combine them all. Go for a run or exercise, have a shower beer, and then meet Shots. Shots. Shots. at the bar.

          4. Tequila mile:

            1. Shot.
            2. Run quarter-mile (one lap of track)
            3. Shot.
            4. Run quarter-mile
            5. Shot.
            6. Run quarter-mile
            7. Shot.
            6. Run quarter-mile.

            If you vomit, you have to repeat the lap. Crown yourself the champion with another shot.

            /We’re overachievers around here, we multitask.

          5. Although I’m a dedicated Zumba fan, I had to Google booiaka. Now I want to find a class.

          6. anon 3:59, booiaka is so amazing. I’ve been going about 2x a week since the beginning of summer. I love it. LOVE. IT.

    7. Emeralds ftw. Shower beer sounds like exactly what I need! Thank you for all the suggestions. You ladies rock.

      1. I’m sorry the job didn’t work out. Shower beer is awesome, plus you can have a good cry and come out completely refreshed.

        Hang in there!

    8. So sorry! Job hunting sucks. If you’re not going to follow Shots.Shots.Shots.’s advice, maybe a spin class? You can totally sob in the back row, and the music is so loud / everybody is so sweaty that nobody will notice.

    9. How about an awesome haircut? The effect lasts longer than shots.shots.shots (although you have time for both). Binge watching Transparent or s3x in the city could be fun, too, and free on amazon prime.

  9. I have to make a dessert for the office Christmas party tomorrow. Any suggestions would be appreciated. ~50 people will be there in total, but I’m guessing I don’t have to make enough for everyone. What’s a good recipe for this jolly procrastinator?

    1. Depending on your workplace, spiked brownies. Use the boxed brownie mix and sub in Kahlua or Bailey’s for the water (usually about 1/4 cup per box). Just enough that you can taste it but not so much that it’s actually scandalous.

      1. I am not a scientist but doesn’t the boozey party of booze evaporate if you bake it?

        2. Largely but not entirely. Annie’s Eats is a food blogger who is also a doctor and she has posted before about how she does not eat things cooked with alcohol like penne alla vodka while pregnant, because it does not all cook off. Admittedly, vodka is a lot stronger than Bailey’s.

          1. Wow, really? that seems intense to me. Most pregnant women I have known will have a couple sips of wine or whatever, so not ingesting the small amount of vodka used in penne sauce, let alone what is left after some of it cooks off, seems not worth the effort.

          2. That is overkill. The amount of alcohol you use in a recipe is so minor (I mean unless you are going to eat the whole pan – no judgment), but even then I would still do it. I went through a phase where I was making Beer Beef Stew with beer bread all the time while I was pregnant.

          3. Many penne alla vodka recipes have a pretty sizeable amount of vodka, and it’s much more alcoholic than wine or Bailey’s. I will not have penne alla vodka when pregnant, but I also wouldn’t have a few sips of wine (which seems to be a big trend in the last few years – a few years ago way more people seemed to abstain completely). I probably wouldn’t worry about a Bailey’s brownie or chicken marsala though.

            I also don’t really have alcohol (except in foods) so I recognize it’s easier for me to abstain than it would be for many people who enjoy it. If it were chocolate that were bad for you but doctors thought a very small amount was ok, I’m sure I would have the max allowance that my doctor ok-ed.

    2. smitten kitchen’s derby bars or blondies are always a hit. If you do two double batches (9X13 pans) that would probably be enough.

      1. Or peppermint bark, to be festive:

        12 oz semi-sweet chips
        12 oz white chocolate (I use Ghirardelli bars)
        peppermint extract
        crushed peppermint candy (I used canes)

        Melt the chips with a splash of extract in the microwave. Pour into an aluminum foil covered cookie sheet sprayed with cooking oil and spread out. You don’t have to cover the whole pan, but you want to make it a thin cover. Freeze. You only need to freeze for about 1/2 hour.

        Melt the white chocolate with a splash of extract in the microwave. Stir in 3/4 of the crushed candy. Spread over the chocolate on the sheet. Press remaining crushed candy on top and return to freezer. It should be ready in about 3 hours.

        Please note that the original recipe I consulted suggested tempering the chocolate, but that seemed more complex and time-consuming so I skipped it. Also, you can’t temper choc chips.

    5. Pioneer Woman’s Knock You Naked brownies. Make a double batch in a 9×13, sub in caramel from the jar if lazy, and make sure you cut them into big pieces.

    6. Cheater fruit cobbler. 2-3 cans of cherry or blueberry pie filling, 1 box yellow cake mix & 1 stick of butter melted. Dump it on all a slow cooker in that order, turn on high for 2 hours. It smells amazing while it is cooking, and it tastes great.

  10. Yesterday, while working from home, I nearly lost my friggin’ mind because this one coworker I’ve been working with for almost a year now was talking down to me, micromanaging my work, and asking me to do administrative stuff for her. Again. I’ve talked about this with my manager numerous times, and she’s talked to this coworker about it numerous times. We both understand that a) she used to be a lawyer and is thus used to having someone do this stuff for her and b) she tends to get stressed out and take it out on others; neither is an excuse for her behavior, just explanations.

    But . . . GAAAAH, I’m tired of it! I don’t want to keep bringing this up with my manager and I’m sure she’s tired of having these conversations. She shouldn’t have to keep reminding her that I’m not an admin, I’m not her helper, and I’m supposed to be working *with* her, not *for* her. My manager’s awesome but this woman is driving me crazy and it seems hopeless to keep addressing her behavior when it doesn’t seem to improve.

    At the very least, my manager has been awesome about giving me permission to push back on some of this woman’s inappropriate requests, and tell her things like “you should go ahead and do that yourself.” It’s nice to know she has my back in case this woman makes a stink about me being rude or insubordinate.

        1. Suck it up! She’s treating you like an admin because you’re acting like one. Your supervisor has your back. Be a big girl and have your own.

          2. Now you’re also Feminist Hulk! (Find that handle on Twitter, you will enjoy)

    2. Yep, your manager is probably tired of it. Time to fix it yourself. She emails you “Thrash, Please print these documents and put them together in a tabbed binder for me” (you did say she’s an ex-lawyer, right?), you write “Actually, I’m working on [not admin thing].” Rinse repeat. If she keeps it up, you might consider suggesting the two of you sit down and figure out how these admin tasks will get done (meaning you divvy up all the admin tasks for your joint work so you’re working with, not for her).

  11. As my handle implies, I feel like my entire universe is consumed with babies lately – three pregnancies at the office, half a dozen between my and H’s circles of friends/family, and another half a dozen babies born within the last six months, and on top of everything else, my assistant – who is 30, like me, and who has been married for 3 years, like me – just announced that she, too, is pregnant, and now I kind of just want to close the door and cry for the rest of the day. The thing is, I feel stupid about feeling sad, because I’m not even trying to get pregnant right now, but I am SO SAD. My H says he’s not ready yet, and he’ll be ready “soon,” and if I ask for anything more specific than “soon” he blows up at me for “not enjoying the present” and “never being happy with what we already have.” I never know how to respond to that, because what do you say when accused of not being happy with your life, especially when the person making the accusation is the person you share that life with?

    I know I’m being unfair and unreasonable, and I should stop focusing on what I don’t have when I already do have so much, but I can’t seem to shake off the sadness/jealousy I’m feeling today. I’d love any advice anyone has on how to get over myself and get on with my day, so I don’t go home and pick a fight with my H like an idiot.

    1. Ummmmm girl. It is not unfair or unreasonable to want to be able to have a real discussion about kids with your husband. I have no advice on how to get over yourself. You don’t need to!

      I think you should mentally set a date in January to discuss this with your husband. Incl things like “when you accuse me of not being happy with what we have, I feel like you are erasing my feelings” and “part of being married to me means that we talk about things” and “turns out I really want a baby and I need more of a plan that whenever you feel like it.”

      Jerkface husbands gotta deal.

    2. I think you should haul your H’s a*s to couple’s therapy and figure out why he thinks it’s okay to treat you like that.

    3. Whoa whoa whoa, I don’t think you’re being unfair or unreasonable. If having a baby is very important to you, I think it’s extremely fair for your husband to know what your feelings on planning, timeline, etc are and I think it’s mature and healthy for him to share his feelings about kids with you. I wish I had advice on how to get him to open up beyond “soon,” but you shouldn’t be hard on yourself for wanting to understand his perspective on family and have him respect your feelings about it as well.

      1. Is there something big on the horizon that he wants to complete before having kids? I used to be fed up when my boyfriend wouldn’t want to plan a timeline to get married, he just said it’d be “soon” and to enjoy the present. We had been dating about 5 years, so it wasn’t unreasonable to ask (not that you need a timeline when married!). It turns out he wanted to wait until he was accepted to business school, then all of a sudden we were ring shopping and discussing timelines for the wedding. Could this be a similar situation? Is there a promotion, job change, school, parental illness, or something else holding him back right now? Does he picture himself in a certain situation in life before having kids? (age, location, job, etc.)

        2. H is 36 years old. If there’s something big that he feels he needs to accomplish before we have kids at this point in his life, that he hasn’t told me about in the 7 years we’ve been together, we have bigger issues than when to have children, I think.

          1. Honey, you already have bigger issues than when to have children, if you cannot even have a discussion with your husband about it.

    4. It’s not okay for your husband to talk to you like that. Don’t go pick a fight, but you do need to have a calm discussion about timelines and goals. That’s a crucial conversation to have and one that your husband should be happy to have with you, not avoid by lashing out.

    5. I don’t have any advice. But I am 32 and in your situation. For many practical reasons, we will not be able to try for a baby for one more year. I feel very sad all the time because of this and what aggravates my sadness is my husband’s indifference to the situation. He never talks about having kids, and he only consoles me when I start crying on this matter and he says everything will be okay and I should not worry so much. On top of it, he is so nice to his nephews and nieces, has more patience than me and I think he will be an excellent dad and I feel jealous when I see him with other kids. A couple of weeks back, my (lady)manager asked me when are we planning to have kids, and I shouldn’t worry about work so much, it is not going to impact my career and what not. Now, I am going to my home town and visit my best friend to see her new born (second)baby. I am truly happy for her, but all I want is to keep myself together when I am there.

      1. Internet hugs to you if you’d like them, Anon.

        My best friend has a 15 month old, and visiting them is simultaneously the best and most heartbreaking thing in the world for me right now, so I very much feel your pain!

    6. I agree that it is not a good reaction on H’s part, but I also kind of see where he’s coming from. If you are both working hard to set up a nice and happy life with each other, he may take you feeling unfulfilled as an attack on that life and he may feel that you are saying that he isn’t meeting your needs so you want a baby.

      But as for the feeling, I totally get you. Babies are a full five years away for DH and I, but we’ve been married 3 years and I wish we could do it now. I try to mentally separate my feelings of jealousy about not having what others around me have and my actual desire for a baby and all of the life changes that come with it. When I really sit and focus on what having a baby means and what the lives of the parents all around me with babies look like, I can calm down my baby fever. You may be different but I find that at least 75% of me wanting a baby now is just jealousy of those that have them.

      1. Fine, but if the OP is accurately describing his reaction as a “blow up” — and it sound like a recurring blow up — then that is not OK. I think you should seek out individual therapy first because you say you’re somewhat inexplicably sad with an eye towards couples therapy as you work out some of your own feelings.

        Having kids with someone who unreasonably blows up over stuff will not be fun.

    7. I have no real advice for you – just commiseration. I feel the same way about wanting to move in with my boyfriend. It seems to me like whenever you feel like something in your life is missing, you see it everywhere with other people!

    9. “Whoops honey! oh my gosh! can’t believe it! how’d that happen? the stick says I’m preggo … guess we’ll need to paint the guest room….”

      Haven’t women been doing that since the dawn of mankind?

      Sorry, I know this will be really unpopular, but it always crosses my mind when I hear situations like this.

      1. Hahahaha. It has crossed my mind as well. I’d never actually sabotage the contraception – I’m not a psycho, I only feel like one sometimes! – but man, it’d simplify things.

      2. +100 because this made me laugh so hard. BUT NO, GIRL, GET TO COUPLES THERAPY STAT. Unless you want to be a single mom. Because if you’re married to a man who will “blow up” at you for trying to talk about THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT DECISION FOR THE TWO OF YOU TO MAKE IN THE NEXT 10 YEARS, then yeah, he’s not going to be a super fun happy nice surprise dad.

      3. It does happen. It doesn’t always work. A friend left his wife when this happened — he told her he wasn’t ready, she didn’t believe him. She later admitted how she sabotaged things, and it was a betrayal he couldn’t get past. He is now an excellent father to their kid and the kids he had with his second wife.

        Talking and/or counseling is the answer.

      4. I say FOOEY! Sometime’s think of this b/c I do NOT have a boyfreind or a husband and mabye I should just get a turkey baster, if not a real guy to impregenate me so that I do NOT have to put up with all of the BS. But then on other ocasions, I think that it is better for the baby to have a FATHER in his life even if that guy is a schmoe. I realy hope I can find a guy who is interested in MARRYING me so that we can have a FAMILY together! YAY!!!

      5. I’ve seen this end ugly so many times. Just happened to my recently married male cousin, now he’s refusing to change the baby’s diapers. Its really ugly. I feel bad for him and his foolish wife.

    10. Ok, while I agree with the previous comments that you should be able to talk to DH about this openly and that you should consider couples therapy if he isn’t able to give you more concrete ideas about when he’ll be ready to have kids, I kind of see where he’s coming from if (and this is a big if) you are framing it is “I want to have kids because everyone else I know is.” That is a stupid reason and I don’t blame your DH for telling you that. My DH would and has told me the same thing (not about kids but about other stuff) and he was 100% right and I needed to hear it.

      So…I say yes to more open discussions with DH and maybe yes to couple’s therapy but you’ve gotta get out of this “keeping up with the Joneses” mindset. The fact that your coworker/BFF/cousin/whoever is pregnant is a TERRIBLE reason to have kids.

      1. Definitely not framing this as a “keeping up with the Joneses” thing – everyone else having kids is part of what makes the whole situation worse for me, but it’s not why I want a child now. I want a child now because I feel that we’re in a good place in our life to be parents, and don’t see the point in waiting any longer, especially because of our respective ages (almost 31 and recently 36).

    11. This is me but with enagements/weddings. I’m as single as can be (but don’t want to be) and have never looked on any wedding sites yet Facebook constantly spams my feed with enagement rings. It does feel like like a needle pricks each time – not very painful each time but in total is. No advice, just commiseration!

    12. I think you need to figure out if his ‘soon’ is cover for ‘never’. The reality is you have a 5-10 year window for having kids, and if you want to have more than one and don’t want two under two – wanting him to commit to start trying in 6 months- year is not unreasonable. At 37, if he’s not ready now, he needs to figure out what is holding him back. You don’t want to find out when you’re 39 that his ‘soon’ has become ‘never’.

      1. This is what I worry about. I’ve asked as much, and he’s insisted that it’s not, although he still won’t get any more specific. I think there are a couple of issues that are going on – the first is that he has an anxiety issue that makes it hard for him to plan future stuff (that he’s working on in therapy), the second is that his inner circle includes a number of people who are “waiting for the right time to have a kid” well past the age when most folks have kids (38/39/42, respectively), the third is that his one super-close friend who does have kids is pretty miserable – so, add anxiety issue to close friends reassuring him that he has “plenty of time” to make a decision to another close friend insisting that kids are a bad idea, and here we are.

        I think I’m going to talk all of this over with my own therapist, then approach H about it after the holidays.

        1. Find him some new people to hang out with who have kids, are happy, and are around your age. Frame it as some other reason you want to spend time with them. Maybe offer to babysit for someone? With anxiety, the unknowns of kids can be really hard to deal with. He needs to see the reality.

        2. Different perspective, but my H and I are about the same difference in age as you and your H, and I was ready and he wasn’t at the same point (36 and 32 in that case), and honestly, I don’t think it necessarily means you need therapy or that he’s totally not into it anything. It might. But it also could just be a mix of biology and cold feet. Taking the plunge is hard. Going from a long term mindset of preventing to trying is scary (but fun!) for both sides. Esp if you are an anxious person to begin with or you have concerns about finances, your job, what the changes will mean for your lifestyle. And guys just don’t have the biology/biological clock issues that women do. Which is only exacerbated if he’s hanging out with guys older than him who are first-time dads. Maybe it’s not the right tactic for you, but what worked for me was getting a bit tipsy together and just opening up to him about what my dreams were for the future. Not the “I want a baby now” drunk whining. But more like “what do you see our lives looking like in 5 years and by the way, I see a kid or two in it, are you on board?” It’s a little less scary that way. Maybe at least try that before jumping into anything drastic.

          1. We’ve done the speculative conversations to death – he’ll even spontaneously talk about “when we have kids someday” with pretty decent regularity, with no prompting from me. He’s always on board in theory, he just won’t commit to a real timeline. If I’m being honest, he did the same thing before we became engaged, and at one point I actually had to sit him down and tell him to either agree to actually become engaged, or stop talking about “one day, when we’re married” completely, which went over about as well as recent baby conversations have gone over.

            He blames his anxiety issues for these issues, and I’ve probably been a little too willing to let him do that instead of holding him accountable. In the past, I’ve been able to deal with his unwillingness to set real timelines by deciding to live my life as if the event in question is never going to happen, but that won’t work here, since, if I knew I was never going to have a kid, I’d probably be overseas teaching English and trying to travel to every country on the map right now, and that kind of life isn’t exactly compatible with being a married suburban homeowner. Again, I’m definitely going to check in with my therapist about this, but I’m starting to feel like I’d benefit from giving myself a deadline for how long I’ll put up with living what I’d call a “preparing for kids” lifestyle without a set timeline for actually having kids, before giving up on having a child and doing what I’d do if I knew I’d never have one instead.

          2. I am the Anon who wrote above with a husband who is indifferent to the things that are bothering me. He is 36. He never talks about kids even spontaneously, almost like it never ever crosses his mind. Also, he is not a person who thinks about future in general. He also has difficulty deciding anything. It can be as small as a paper shredder which took him two years to decide which one to get, a car which he has been deciding from last one year, our wedding which he wanted to postpone after the venue was booked, now the child. He is scared to commit to anything and wants to his plans to be tentative and changeable all the time. Say, when we book flight tickets, his first choice is Southwest airlines because he can cancel at the last minute and get credit. When I talk about this, he says he wants to be flexible, but I am a bit of a planner. His infinite flexibility bothers me to no end. I almost make all the decisions (big and small) because if I don’t, then there will not be any decision. It works for most of the things, it may work for biggest life decisions like having children. But I don’t want to do that. I want to both of us to want and therefore have children.

        3. As part of your conversation in January, could you say something like, “I know you’re still thinking about when you’d like us to have kids, but I’d really like us to plan to try for our first before I’m 35 because [reasons]. What are your thoughts about that?” And then see what he says.

          Setting a concrete, but not immediate, timeline would give him plenty of time to get used to the idea, and also reassure him that you have at least X number of years to enjoy being just a couple.

      2. Yes. Oh, I learned that hard way SOON can very much mean NEVER. And it’s possible that someone forcing this answer on you could be emotionally abusive. When he insists that you accept soon as if it is an actual answer and shuts you down with a blowup … of course you recognize that it is not a timeline or even discussion AT ALL. It’s him letting you know that he is in control, and it’s not open for discussion. OP, please consider whether his blowup at you for “not enjoying the present” and “never being happy with what we already have.” is an attempt at making you feel like the bad guy, when you are in fact asking for something that is completely reasonable.

        You should be able to plan for children with your partner! And wanting to do so actually demonstrates that you think you are in a good place NOW because you believe you have a situation deserving of a child/you want to continue to move forward with this person, etc. But the real problem could be that your relationship now is genuinely not very good. Because this SOON business, UGH. Although it seems like the next step could be having a baby, you might have to reconsider whether you have found the right person to parent with. Because he does not actually want to make this decision with your input.

      3. I know this is late- but my husband was firmly in “we got a good (child free) thing going” camp, but I sat him down and talked numbers. He wanted kids. 2-3 or maybe 4. I was 28. Even in a best case scenario where getting pregnant is easy, to have 3 kids 2-3 years apart and not be pregnant in my late 30s meant we had to start thinking about it. We talked about options: pregnant over 35 (nothing wrong with it, but there are risks), kids very close in age, fewer kids, etc. it was like a lightbulb went off for him- we planned a vacation and then started trying 6 months later. He simply hadn’t thought that much about it and kids = work.

        Had my first at 29, 2nd at 32 and we are discussing if we want to go for three (maybe) (probably not) and this hypothetical #3 would be born when I am 35.

    13. It is NEVER unreasonable to ask for a cogent discussion about the very real limits on a woman’s ability to conceive.

      Yeah, it’s stupid to treat women over 25 as if they are past their prime, and yes, many people have successful, healthy, natural pregnancies into their early 40s, but can we at least have some basic common sense?

      Your husband is probably scared of having kids and the changes. That’s fine. What isn’t fine is to ignore reality.

      As it comes up so often here, “Indecision *is* a decision.”

      No real advice except to remind you that it’s not unreasonable for a 30-year old married woman to ask when the heck kids are going to happen; what is unreasonable is for a husband to refuse to address the issue with his 30-something wife.

  12. I’m doing an MBA rec for an employee on my team. He’s really a great employee and will do well in the program. They ask for a weakness with examples, and candidly, it would be that this person needs to weigh when to back off versus when to hold firm on something. It’s a function of experience (and I’m happy to say as much) and I’ll say it politely, but would rec reviewers read into this too much?

    I’m reminded of the old “my weakness is being a perfectionist!” trick. . . .

    1. If you truly believe he is a strong candidate, come up with a more weakness is a perfectionist way of saying it. For example can you say he gets very passionate about his work and sometimes takes bad news too personally? Or something like that. You want to be careful because he will competing against others who have no real weakness from recommenders.

  13. My MIL gave me a diamond pendant as a gift. It’s really not my style and I already have a necklace that I wear for this kind of purpose. Would it be really terrible if I returned it for a store credit and bought myself something more useful? She didn’t include a gift receipt but it’s from a big national dept store with excellent customer service and has one of those stickers to allow for returns. I was thinking I could wear it to a few family events this month and then return in the new year. Is that awful? I just really don’t think I’ll wear it outside of seeing her and I would hate for it to just sit in a box when there are other things I could use. The only complication is it was to commemorate a special milestone so maybe the sentiment should win out?

    1. I vote in favor of sentiment. You don’t want to hurt her feelings if she notices that you aren’t wearing it later.

    2. If it were me, I’d keep it and wear it as often as appropriate when you see her. It’ll mean very little to you and a ton to her. And be glad your mom-in-law didn’t spring an awful heirloom necklace on you for your wedding day (ugh not bitter)

    3. Keep it, wear it on special occasions when you see her. These little gestures go a long way to build strong relations with family, which over time has its own value. (Obviously, the exception would be if she was being manipulative with the gift or generally toxic, but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case here).

      I got a gift like this once – a conservative pearl necklace from my mother to celebrate a big achievement. Definitely not my style. But it has come in handy a ridiculous number of times over the years for events where looking appropriate has been more important than personal style (like say, a high church funeral mass for a coworker who died very suddenly – the pearls and a black dress and done). Maybe that will also turn out to be the case for you?

    4. Keep it! For goodness sakes your MIL is buying you diamonds. Don’t turn this into an issue.

    5. Ask your husband. He’ll know whether returning it would be something that would offend his mom or not.

    6. I disagree with the others above. Exchange that shit. When asked, say that you truly appreciated her gift but it wasn’t quite your style, so you exchanged it for something you would wear frequently and could think of your MIL whenever you wear it. Emphasis on wanting to think of her and her support often.

      My MIL’s taste in jewelry could not be farther from my own, so I have this problem frequently. I do really appreciate the gesture and I think it is more hurtful to have something that she spent a lot of money on just sit in a box somewhere.

    7. I would keep it and wear when you see her. It’s pretty rude to return a gift that someone close to you got you to mark a milestone.

    8. I wouldn’t return it without her blessing. And it would be awkward to ask for her blessing…. I say you should keep it. Perhaps in the future, it’ll be just the right fit.

    9. This is a know-your-family situation, but I would return it. If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t feel forced into wearing it. You would be expending valuable mental energy just thinking about “having” to wear it when you saw her, and then stashing it away the rest of the year. I would even be honest with her about it, and let her know that you love and appreciate her for buying if for you, but you exchanged it for a pretty set of earrings (or something else), and will treasure her when you wear them. It might also help her better determine your style.

  14. Regular poster, anon for this:

    Background: I have one child under 2, plans to have more children in the future, and a spouse that works a more demanding job (doesn’t get home before 7, some nights/weekend work). I’m clearly the primary parent, even though I don’t particularly want to be.

    I lost my job a few months ago and I’ve been staying home with my kid. It’s OK and I appreciate having the time with her, but I want to go back to work. Luckily, I was just offered two jobs. One part time (P Job), one full time (F Job). Both are at gov’t agencies, so both jobs would be 9-5, one would just be 9-5 5 days a week, the other 9-5 3 days a week. Benefits are the same, commutes would be similar. The work would be similar and although I think the career opportunities would be different, one is not necessarily objectively or subjectively to me better than the other (pluses and minuses to both). If after a few years I wanted to eventually work full time at P Job I’m almost positive I could. If I wanted to eventually work part time at the F Job, I probably could (maybe 60% chance).

    I was all set to take P Job but I just found out what the salary is at F Job, and my jaw dropped. If you compare base salaries (i.e., grossing up P Job salary to what I would make if it were full time), the difference is at least $30k. And I’m young – $30k + raises over the next 30 years is a lot of money. Another way to look at it: at P Job, I’m doing 60% of the work for about 45% of F Job money. I would have to pay more in child care, but based on my very rudimentary math, after child care and taxes I’d be taking home $1500 more per month with F Job than with P Job.

    I really want to work part time and spend more time with my kid. My life would be much less stressful if I worked part time. But $1500 a month, every month for the rest of my life is a lot of money.

    What would you do? Any wisdom or insight?

    1. Take the full time job no question! You’re already going to the trouble of a childcare routine. You don’t love staying home. Don’t give it up to cook and clean and cuddle.

    2. I’m not in government, so it’s probably very different, but if you see full time 9-5 as doable, go for it. Especially if you have any opportunity for flexibility with the full time job (e.g. work from home one day a week or flexible hours).

      Although I understand you’re conflicted, if you really don’t want to be stuck as the “primary parent”, don’t work part time.

    3. If you really want to work part-time and spend more time with your kid, I think you know the answer to your own question. Work part-time! But with that comes the expectation that you are the primary parent bc you’re working fewer hours than your spouse.

      I have a full time 9-5 job with two small kids. It’s sort of the perfect job in many respects, but I really wish sometimes I could work a bit less — like 80%, which would allow me to do more stuff around the house, pick up the kids earlier, spend more time with them, etc. Obviously money is important, but if you can swing part-time and you think you would enjoy it more (and esp. if there is an option to ramp up to full time eventually), I think you should strongly consider that route.

      Another idea: can you go back to the full time job and ask them if there is an option of going 80%?

    4. I’m going to suggest option C: reach out to F job, ask if they will let you do 4 days per week at 80% of the salary. Best of both worlds. BAM.

      1. If job F says no to that, ask job P to bump the salary to same hourly rate at F

    5. Do F job now. If you want to move to part-time at that job, or another part-time job for less money, then you can do it later. A 13-year-old child will have different demands/needs than a 3-year-0ld child. Take the money now and sock it away, invest it, whatever. Take the money!
      #jealous

    6. Not sure if all government agencies / positions are the same, but a friend of mine works FT for one agency. 9 10-hour days, then every other Friday off. Plus he accrues an insane amount of PTO. And works from home. Any chance for any other those scenarios with the FT job?

    7. I work in gov’t (atty.) Now that unemployment has stabilized and job market has improved, gov’t is having a really hard time holding on to good people – and will generally bend over backwards to make set up a work situation that will work for you. Working from home / flex schedules with e/o Friday off etc. are pretty routine around here, so don’t be afraid to ask and know that you’re in a good position to bargain. Good luck!

    8. For $1500 a month, you could:
      + Hire a weekly cleaning service (would save you ~4hours a week?)
      + Get groceries delivered, or even something like Blue Apron (save ~2 hours a week)
      + Get a (healthy) takeout option more often (save ~2 hours week cooking)
      … and still have plenty left over.

      Sounds like if you make the switch (either full to part or part to fulltime) later, then taking the full-time job now will definitely put you in a better position.

      1. Haha, I actually do all of these things already while unemployed. So these things are kind of a given. Maybe I’m spoiled.

        I actually don’t mind being the primary parent, what bothered me was working full time and also being the primary parent. I’d struggle with my husband to get him to take more responsibility, and then being annoyed when he didn’t proactively do so.

        Based on my reaction to the responses here I think I’m going to take the part time job.

        1. If it were me I would absolutely choose the part time job unless you really need (like, actually need, not just it would be nice) the extra money. It sounds like the extra money would just be gravy for you, and since you are okay with being the primary parent and want the extra time, the part time job sounds like the much better scenario.

  15. I’m looking to purchase a bike to use for leisure/casual exercise. I’ll mostly (like 99.999%) be riding on streets or paths, most of which will be hilly. I am eyeing a hybrid bike online (about $200) but am hesitating since most online forums seem to say ra best to buy from a local bike shop. Is that for serious bikers though? I called a few shops in my area and the bikes they sell there are much more than I want to spend at this point, since I don’t know how much I’m going to end up using the bike.

    Also, I’m relatively short, with a longer torso:legs ratio and I’m a bit conflicted as to what size to buy. A 24″ feels most comfortable but most of the shops I’ve spoken to think I should go with a 26″ (which feels too big, my toes barely touch the ground).

    Any advice would be appreciated!

    1. I’ll advise on the wheel size – I am 5’4 with a long torso, and at first 26″ felt too big. However, I’ve learned to get over my need to be able to have the ball of my foot on the ground when the bike is straight up and down (vs. leaning over a bit at stoplights) – I’ve gradually increased the seat height over time. The 26″ now feels easier to ride than my older 24″ bike (and perhaps *is* actually easier to ride because physics?)

      My current bike was about $475 from a local shop – not all of the inventory is $1000-plus. But if you want a low-risk way to see if you’ll get into a routine, I don’t see anything wrong with starting with a less expensive bike!

    2. I just bought a bike for my short 14 year old son (about 5′ 1″) and the bike store folks clearly said that the 24″ was too small for him even at his current height. I paid about $400 at a bike store I’ve used for years (for my kids; I don’t ride myself) and the service + helpfulness of the bike store is worth every penny – they’ll stand behind the bike.

    3. Go somewhere in person. You need to get fitted. Bike shops offer a whole range of prices as long as you’re not going to a hard-core cycling shop. REI also has really nice folks in their bike department if there’s on near you.

      Your long torso means you really need to get fitted because you want that part to fit too, not just the height. (This may only matter a ton if you are getting a road bike). But still, don’t do the online thing. Then you will have paid $200 for a bike that doesn’t fit!

      1. Thanks, you guys! You’ve confirmed my gut feeling that I’m just going to have to suck it up and go to a shop. Based on pricing, I thought online would work better since I really didn’t want to spend more than $250ish and they all quoted me like $500ish.

    4. I am a cyclist. I got into it several years ago.

      My first bike was a hybrid/mountain bike, and I got it from Academy Sports, and it was about $200. I felt like it was starter enough so that I could see if I wanted to stick with cycling, and I could ride it around the neighborhood. My longest ride was probably 7 miles, and the fit wasn’t good or bad, but didn’t really matter because I wasn’t on my bike all that much. After about 14 months, I decided that I was ready for a road bike, and I went to a bike store/shop, tried on a ton of bikes and pulled the trigger on an entry level road bike $1000.

      I now cycle lots of miles/hours. The fit is super important. I cycle between 20-60 miles in a setting, and I train for longer distances.

      So, that’s what I would suggest.

      Also, your toes should BARELY touch the ground. Anything lower and you’re possibly causing knee injury.

      1. Thank you for this. Starting out, I definitely will be doing shorter rides so maybe it makes sense to do what you did and plan on upgrading in a year or so if I want to get more advanced.

    5. I would start with a basic bike and see how into it you are – you can always upgrade later. But definitely worth going to a few stores (bike stores, sporting goods stores, even target) and sitting on a few. See if anyone carries the brand you are looking at online.

      1. Hmm so I did go to the big box stores but it’s not like they had associates there who could really help me with my specific questions.

        1. I’ve always just gone by feel – is this bike comfortable for me. My first few bikes were the Target variety or the used bike sale on campus. When I started to get more into cycling I bought a used road bike off craigslist, the first time I’ve ever had a bike I needed to clip into.
          I agree there is definitely merit to working with a bike shop but I guess I’m okay with settling for “good enough.” (I used to bike a lot, was in a bike club for a while and even completed a century ride.)

          1. I’m definitely fine with good enough at this point! I think I’m going to head over to sports authority, the associates there should probably be somewhat more helpful than my local target, right?

    6. I also have a long torso and have ended up with a bigger frame with the seat pretty much as low as it goes. (I have a Gudereit city bike and it’s my favourite possession)

    7. I just got a bike. One advantage of buying at a local bike store, beyond a proper fitting, is that you have a local place that will likely offer deals for any repairs/replacements/upgrades. Mine has deals on yearly service, for example. You can do this at your LBS even if you buy at a big box store, but it is cheaper and they often prioritize loyal customers. And then if you eventually upgrade, they are there for that as well.

  16. Dyinggggggggggggg waiting for an email from my manager confirming a salary negotiation. Things are slow here pre-holiday so nothing to really throw myself in to and get distracted.

  17. Cross posting b/c this thread is busier:

    My firm has a statement (like they own all IP that you create) somewhere in its millions of policies, but I don’t think that it would hold up. All IP would mean that they own all of the photographs you take, all of the doodles you draw, all of the letters you write to people, etc.

    I’m not an IP lawyer, but my understanding is that the only time the creator does not have a copyright in their work is if it is a work for hire. It is pretty clear that a lawyer hired by a law firm to do basic legal work (like ERISA) does not own the copyright in a musical composition that the ERISA lawyer composes.

    Anyone? I understand that there are lawyers on this board . . .

    1. When my friends who freelance take jobs they ask for that section to be stricken from their contracts.

    2. Eh. It depends. “Work for hire” is one of those loaded legal terms that has been interpreted and reinterpreted by the courts. This question may also depend on state law (e.g., “shop rights”).

      You are gonna have to consult a lawyer on this one.

      1. Shop rights are for patentable subject matter. Ownership of employee works of authorship is per your employment agreement, with state by state limitations. For example, in CA, look at Section 2870 of the CA labor code (pasted below). A provision in your employment agreement that purports to have you assign IP rights in (or states that they’re work for hire, for anything copyrightable) in something that goes beyond what 2870 allows is unenforceable. If you are a lawyer at a law firm, your creative photos taken in your own time would be an example of that.

        (a) Any provision in an employment agreement which provides
        that an employee shall assign, or offer to assign, any of his or her
        rights in an invention to his or her employer shall not apply to an
        invention that the employee developed entirely on his or her own time
        without using the employer’s equipment, supplies, facilities, or
        trade secret information except for those inventions that either:
        (1) Relate at the time of conception or reduction to practice of
        the invention to the employer’s business, or actual or demonstrably
        anticipated research or development of the employer; or
        (2) Result from any work performed by the employee for the
        employer.
        (b) To the extent a provision in an employment agreement purports
        to require an employee to assign an invention otherwise excluded from
        being required to be assigned under subdivision (a), the provision
        is against the public policy of this state and is unenforceable.

  18. Does anyone have a recommendation for a property management company in NYC? There is a family apartment that’s vacant on the lower east side, and we are looking for a company to take care of the details of renting it out. I’d also be interested in recommendation if you are a renter renting an individual apt (owned by someone else) and is managed by a property management company that is professional and reliable.

  19. I asked for advice a little while ago about dealing with an overbearing friend. We were attending a party that I was planning to walk to (as in, not move my car) and drive home from. Friend demanded that I drive to her house to pick her up, which would be about an hour roundtrip. The consensus here was I should stick to my guns in refusing to pick her up, but I could offer a ride home.

    I met friend for coffee after I posted here and she again asked/demanded that I pick her up. I again said no, but I’m happy to give her a ride home. She made a bit of a scene in the coffee shop, shrieking that it was unfair of me to not pick her up, how could I do this to her, she won’t be able to come, etc. She only let up when she realized that I was planning to go to the party at 5:30, which she said was far too early. She half-heartedly suggested that I should leave the party to pick her up, which I shot down. She then tried to convince me to go to the party later, and I told her I couldn’t because I needed to get to bed early for an early morning exercise class. I said I was planning to leave the party by 7:30.

    She roped another friend into picking her up to take her to the party, and showed up after 6:30. She wanted to stay at least an hour and I reiterated that I was leaving by 7:30. She told me that was unfair of me because I had promised to give her a ride home, so I needed to wait until she was ready to leave. I left at 7:30 and suggested she call an Uber when she was ready to leave. She whined at me more but I just gave her a hug and walked out. I texted her before I went to bed at 9 p.m. asking if she made it home OK and she hasn’t responded, but she’s been on Facebook so I know she’s alive.

    TLDR: Overbearing friend continues to be overbearing. I stood up for myself, got to bed when I wanted to, and made it to my class.

    4. She sounds like a crappy friend. Most people who are friends don’t demand things of others. To me that isn’t being a friend, that is being a leach who uses people. I’m glad you stuck to your guns though.

    5. She’s being super unreasonable and basically expecting her friends to schlep her around on her schedule, rather than hoping to catch a ride on theirs like most normal people. It’s completely fine to tell a friend you can’t give her a ride there, but if she wants to leave when you’re planning to leave you can drive her home.

      Typically, when you ask for a ride somewhere you accept that a) they might say no, and b) you should plan to operate on their schedule, since they’re the one doing you a favor.

      Stay firm with her. You’re under no obligation to be her personal driver just because you have a car. Make it clear you’re happy to help when you can, but she can’t expect you to pick her up and drop her off at her convenience every time she needs a ride.

      And honestly, it sounds like she needs to take steps to become more independent. I don’t know her whole situation, obviously, but she may need to figure out a transportation method that can revolve around her schedule, whether that’s Uber, ZipCar, getting her own car, a bike, I dunno, something.

      1. Oh she has a car. But she doesn’t want to drink and drive. Which, great. But then sometimes you go out and not drink. And she won’t do that.

        The other day I was at happy hour with friends within walking distance of my house. It was kind of spur of the moment, so I invited this friend when I got to the bar after I made sure it was OK with everyone else (they don’t know her). She tried to convince me to have everyone relocate ~20 minutes away within walking distance of her house. I was like uh no. You don’t have to drink, we have a pregnant friend here so you won’t be the only sober one! Nope, friend won’t come out if she can’t drink.

        There are a couple of restaurants within a block or two of friend’s house. She won’t walk a block to the restaurant, she ALWAYS asks me to pick her up. I can’t really say no, it’s not out of my way, it’s just annoying. I’m at the point where I just need to set a boundary and stick to it.

        1. She doesn’t sound like a friend so much as someone who enjoys using people and manipulating/guilting them into doing her bidding. Stick to your guns. No more pickups when she can walk to the restaurant/bar herself.

        2. I also loving using people to drive me around, which is why I have both the Lyft and the Uber app.

    6. Oof, I know this type. The one I know does it in a haha-joking-no-seriously kind of way and I finally had to put an end to it. She is in bride mode now, so I’m glad I drew a line early even though I am sad that we couldn’t have had a normal, pleasant friendship.

      1. I hear you on the sadness. Sometimes I want to say to her, can you please just be normal? You’re fun when you’re not acting like a brat!

        1. SO SAY IT! For real. Homegirl needs a dose of reality. Why can’t you speak up to her?? Maybe don’t call her a brat, but you’ve GOT to stand up for yourself or else yea, you should expect this behavior to continue.

          My tolerance for obnoxious adults – even if we were friends pre-adulthood – is so low these days.

    7. I don’t think I would be friends with someone like that. I’m sure she has her good points, but I don’t see any here.

    9. I don’t understand why this woman thinks forcing people to pick her up is a better choice than uber. Does she not understand how convenient uber is? And it’s not very expensive for short trips. I’d rather uber than get picked up by a friend most of the time, for pure convenience.

    10. 1. Good for you!

      2. I am honestly dumbfounded that this is even an issue in this day and age of Uber.

      3. I would not be friends with somebody like this. What on earth are the great qualities that make up for the horribleness you’ve described?

      1. She wasn’t always this bad. She’s been super needy and entitled since she started getting out of a (short-term) bad relationship. I want to be supportive, and I think I have been, but it’s getting to be a bit much for me. I could maybe understand this behavior if she had been with him since college and now she’s learning how to adult on her own for the first time, but that’s really, really not the case here. I’m perplexed by how she became so dependent so quickly, and I’ve suggested that she should take some time to unpack why that happened. And as empathetic as I want to be, she doesn’t get to transfer her codependence issues to me.

    11. We would no longer be friends. Period. Point. Blank. Having a tantrum over this would have been enough but IN PUBLIC, TOO?! No, ma’am. Good day.

      Kudos to you for sticking up for yourself!

  20. Advice on the nuts and bolts of managing? I’m a new manager (about a year in) and I still feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I just got feedback from my team that was less than glowing, so I need to have a concrete plan for 2016. Extra plus if people have thoughts on how introverts can manage well. A lot of the lukewarm feedback seemed to be around interpersonal stuff that I am admittedly not stellar at.

    1. I like Becoming the Boss and the Ask A Manager book. I also think that introverts make great managers. Y’all are usually better at the one-on-one stuff that is critical to managing.

    2. Just wanted to commiserate over this issue. Fortunately (or unfortunately?) the handful of staff that I manage are not able to review me as part of the annual review process, but our company does encourage the submittal of anonymous comments. And that tends to be where folks bash their supervisors. I’m very much an introvert and function much better on a team where I can crank out my work alone. I’m always trying to be a better team player but it just doesn’t come naturally. I’ve found that I just have to force myself to be as communicative as possible. I’m also in charge of staff that are older and more experienced, so it actually works out nicely in that I’m not in danger of micro-managing. I tend to view my role more as support for them so they can work efficiently. But I definitely have to always remind myself to overcommunicate (for me) but to not come across as a young(er) know-it-all.

    3. “It’s Your Ship: Management Techniques from the Best D@mn Ship in the Navy” by Michael Abrashoff. It’s really engaging, a quick read, and makes you excited about being a good leader.

    4. I really like “Winning” by Jack and Suzi Welch for this. Oldie but goodie–you should be able to get it for a penny plus shipping on Amazaon.

  21. Thanks to the hive! Because of you, I joined shoprunner (yay! free 2 day shipping) and got Adele tickets. I read the post this morning at 9:50 Pacific and was able to get tickets for my very difficult to buy for daughter.

    I am not crazy about the credit card holder only tickets though. I appreciate that it deters scalpers, but am bummed that it means I lose $$ if I can’t go.

  22. First world problem: I was getting psyched up to pull the trigger on my kitchen remodel, which I didn’t do along with the rest of the house last year because I didn’t have the cash and wasn’t quite sure what I wanted. But today I found out my car needs a huge repair and, because I kind of hate my car and don’t want to put the money into the repair, I will be car-shopping this weekend. Which means the kitchen is off the table for the time being.

    Boo hoo hoo.

    That is all.

    Also, any thoughts on the Audi A3?

    1. SA, didn’t the hive advise you to lease a new car? What happened to that plan? Would that leave some room for the kitchen?

      1. Yeah, I’m going to lease a new car. I just dragged my feet until events overtook me. The only good part is that instead of nickling and diming me very much, my current car just exercised the nuclear option after 8 years of pretty good behavior.

        I had about decided to take out a HELOC for the kitchen remodel, and I’m definitely not comfortable with a lease payment and a HELOC payment. So there you have it. It’s probably for the best.

        On the one hand, I’m all “dammit!” But on the other hand, I’m trying to get in touch with my inner “oh, goodie! A new car!”

        1. It better be a damn nice car if you’re sacrificing nice new granite countertops for it. I hate spending $$ on car stuff.

          1. Right? But here in So Cal it’s just a necessary evil. And I have to have a nice car because, well, it’s So Cal and one is in one’s car a lot.

          3. “have to have a nice car” is a bit strong. I also live in LA and think my Toyota is pretty nice (and comfortable and safe). You want a luxury car instead of a new kitchen, that’s fine, but it’s not a requirement to live in SoCal.

          5. My sympathies, SA. I hate (HATE) car shopping, so I hope you have a better time with it than I do.

    2. I was hugely underwhelmed when I test-drove the A3, A4, and A5.

      1. Bummer. Well, we’ll see. A good friend of mine actually sells Audis and I trust her to give me a great deal, so that will be my first stop. I hope I like it.

        1. I found they just didn’t have the power and handling I was looking for. I was coming from driving an old Mercedes coupe, and I ended up with a BMW 3-series coupe. The BMW drives amazingly, so if you are into performance it is great. But it does not have the comfort of my old Mercedes. And I have ridden as a passenger-the car is designed for the driver, not with the passenger’s comfort in mind. Only reason I didn’t get another Mercedes is that I found a great deal/financing on a BMW that I couldn’t pass up.

      2. I have a Q5 and have been given an A4 as a loaner before and I was also incredibly unimpressed. It felt like I was driving a golf cart. And my Q5 is the base 2.0 engine so it’s not like I’m used to a turbojet under the hood. No experience with the A3 but I think the engine options are the same as in the A4. A5 is a no-go for me because of the 2 doors. My prior car was 2 doors and it was just too much of a pain to get stuff out of the back seat, and really uncomfortable for passengers (I rarely have any, but it was such a pain those few times that I wouldn’t do it again. I felt like I was putting them in the back of a pickup, comfort wise).

        1. How do you like the Q5? I’m looking at the Lexus NX or Acura RDX and think it would be good to throw in another to compare. I may be more interested in the Q3 than the Q5 – I’m reluctant about getting any SUV so I want a tiny one but we need one. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

          1. I really love it. My prior car was a 2002 SUV-on-truck-frame so it was an enormous upgrade in terms of technology and comfort. It has great power, very comfortable for driver and passenger, plenty of leg room (and my family is all in the “6 foot club”), and sufficient storage space for most errands (just not the “buying large furniture and don’t want to pay for delivery” errands). I also think it has great visibility angles out of the mirrors and windows–I was coming from a square SUV that was basically all windows and get nervous in cars with the smaller visibility field, but I felt comfortable with the Q5. In contrast, I test drove the ML350 and felt like it had horrible blind spots (and in general was not a smooth ride).

            I think most of the technology you’ll find in the other models you’re looking at, but I really like the backup camera with guidelines (vs a plain camera), beeping sensors, the blind spot alert in my mirrors, and the key system where you can leave it in your purse/pocket to lock and unlock. I do wish remote start had been an option.

            I didn’t try out the Lexus or Acura but I’ve ridden in a few of the Acuras and they’re a great ride. Ultimately what pushed me to Audi was that it was the most comfortable ride for my body and had the responsiveness that I prefer in steering and gas/brake, and in my city Audi/Mercedes/BMW seems to hold resale value a little better than Acura/Lincoln/other brands in that tier, or the full spec Ford and Honda models that offer similar options.

          2. I’m late to the game on this thread, but I am currently obssessed with the Audi Q5. My FI has been wanting me to get an Acura MDX, but the Q5 is calling my naaaaaaaaaame!

      1. Aren’t you just getting your finances back on track after an expensive divorce? How about you lease a civic, and save the rest of the money to pay cash for a new kitchen instead of borrowing money for a luxury reno?

      2. Have one from the early 2000s (gave it to my husband when I got a new car) and love it. Liked the ones I test drove as well, esp. CLA.

        Am curious why you are leasing a not-that-expensive car instead of buying new, or considering buying CPO. Do you like to get a new car every few years? If that is the case, I get it.

        1. Yep, pretty much. Plus cars are just plain expensive one way or the other. Although certainly the cheapest car is generally the one you already own, the repairs I’m looking at would cost the equivalent of a whole year of lease payments, so at some point you are spending the same money for a new car or an old car. And the happiness factor is much higher with a new car.

          I totally get that I’m opening myself up to a lot of second-guessing on the finances. But I’m a big girl and I’m comfortable with what I’m doing. YMMV.

          1. My coworker and I were having this discussion this week – it feels like with cars, you pay on the front end or you pay on the back end. (she also says the same thing with dogs)

            As a single female living in the city with a decent beltway commute, I’d rather pay a little more in lease payments and not have to worry about maintaining an older car, breakdowns that could happen, etc., or being hosed at the shop because I seem vulnerable/uneducated (which I am. I can’t learn all the things and cars aren’t an interest of mine).

            I have a coworker my age with a Honda Civic that has now broken down on her three times in the last 2 or 3 months and had expensive repairs. That would give me so much anxiety. If there’s a problem with my current car, well, here are the keys, Acura.

            I’m okay with paying a premium for the time-being for that peace of mind. I’m okay with not being a “drive it in the ground” person at this point in my life.

          2. Exactly. I was a die-hard drive-it-into-the-ground girl for years and I. am. just. done.

      3. I think I weighed in on this last time it was discussed. I still love my Acura ILX (and I can literally park it anywhereeeeeeeeeee, which is why I didn’t go for a bigger body style), unfortunately, Acura as a company/brand is one I’m kind of done with.

        I have exactly one experience with the C-class. My friend has a CLA and it was in for service recently, and he had a C-class as the dealership loaner. It was a very slick car, especially for the price point. I didn’t drive it, was only a passenger, but he commented on the handling being very nice. Also, it fit my new Black Friday TV in the trunk. I like his CLA a lot, but the C-class really is in a different class and much more what I think of as the Mercedes Experience. But if I moved to Mercedes, I’d get a CLA because I prefer the shorter body. So, YMMV.

    4. I had a 2005 A4 Quattro 3.0 and I freaking loved driving that thing. It was powerful, handled great (even in snowstorms) and was all around an awesome car. But it was a crazy expensive to maintain post-warranty, which is the reason I didn’t get another Audi when it finally kicked the bucket at 145,000 miles. But if you’re leasing one this shouldn’t be a problem.

    5. Any reason you are set on an Audi, or other luxury vehicle? You can get a fully loaded mid range car for the same price as a base luxury model. If you like the look of the A3, I’d recommend looking into a Chrysler 200.

    6. Awhile back, I got a two year old A4 that I loved with super low financing for LESS than the cost of getting something like a civic or Camry. The A4 was a blast to drive.

      1. I got my Acura for $6 a month more than the 4-door Civic Sedan I also test drove and was looking at moving in to. There are deals to be had out there.

  23. Not happy in my new job – I don’t hate it but I can feel my skills declining and it’s just not work I want to do for my career. When should I start looking given that – I’ve only been here 6.5 months; I was unemployed for almost 18 months before this job; and I’m in a tight industry where I’d be lucky to find something (law in DC; general commercial litigator though took a compliance kind of job due to being unemployed).

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