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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: 3/4-Sleeve British Tee

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3/4-Sleeve Cotton Tee: Three Dots 3/4 Sleeve British TeeOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. One of my favorite t-shirt brands is Three Dots, particularly for wearing under suits. They're opaque, thick, solid t-shirts that fit well and hold up to regular washing. It's nice to see that Zappos has a zillion colors of this “British tee” in stock, sizes XS-XL, for $46. (Oooh, note that Amazon has some lucky sizes and colors as low as $12. Nice!) Three Dots 3/4-Sleeve British Tee Here is a similar plus-size top in black and white. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

243 Comments

  1. Morning! What should I look for when buying compression socks? My mom gets swelling in her ankles and asked for some compression socks, but I cant tell which ones to buy online. Any brand recs or feature to look for?

    1. There are compression socks marketed at runners and compression socks marketed at diabetics. The diabetic socks, available at like Walgreens, are much cheaper. I own several pairs of running compression socks and I *love* my CEP socks. I like to put compression socks on after a race and fall asleep with them on. I also own several pairs of ProCompression socks and think the top of the sock is too tight, so it’s uncomfortable to sleep in, but perfectly fine to run in. You might want to buy some of the cheap diabetic ones and see what she finds comfortable.

    2. I have some Sockwell socks that are pretty nice, with compression for plantar fasciitis, but I think they have other types of compression socks. They are wool. You can check them out at footsmart.com or Nordstrom (limited selection).

    3. I bought some from Tommie Cooper that I like. You can choose how high you want to compress. The dress level ones are pretty comfortable. Higher seemed too tight to me.

      1. Hi! I hang around Corporette frequently and I usually feel like I’m the only non-lawyer. Nice to see another engineer. :)

        1. Yay! There a few of us engineers here…. I love getting other perspectives — So different than being an engineer, I find!

    5. Do you know how much compression she needs? Vim & Vigr have some cute socks that don’t look orthopedic. Most are 15-20 mmhg, but I think they’ve expanded to higher compression recently.

      1. I am not sure how much compression she needs. She had ankle replacement surgery a couple of years ago.
        Thank you for all of the info so far. I was hesitant to post my question, but you ladies are always helpful!

    6. ProCompression, which I buy regularly and have no issues with, always has 40% off coupon code floating around, so don’t pay full price!

  2. For Pete’s sake, people, STOP gifting upwards. My team’s admin and my husband’s staff gave us gift cards in embarrassing amounts. I appreciate the thought, but say it with cookies, not a gift card to the boss. Ugh.

    1. I got an email from Real Simple (the magazine) that was featuring an article about Gifts to get your Boss. I tried to find and email to complain. But ended up cancelling my subscription (which I had been meaning to do this year anyway).

    2. I decided to opt out of chipping in for a boss gift. Everyone else on my team thought it was a fantastic idea, but it didn’t seem appropriate to me. but I’ll be interested to see how the boss reacts.

    3. +1

      We had a new low level employee who gave our boss a pricey gift this year. We don’t ever exchange gifts with fellow staff at all. New employee didn’t bother to ask if gift giving was appropriate in our office. Probably didn’t already help that he has the reputation of having his head firmly planted up our bosses ass.

    4. Not Christmas related, but at the end of our busy season last year, our manager decreed that we were all chipping in for a gift for our department head to congratulate her on her job well done. Beg pardon? Not only did we lowly folks do all the heavy lifting during busy season, regularly working 12 hour days while she was in at 10 and out at 5 every day, the woman is married to a literal millionaire. She jets off to Tahiti, Monaco, etc, for a week’s vacation every couple months and regularly shops couture in Paris. We had to chip in for a $250 crystal bowl, divided among not-that-many-of-us. No. No no no.

    5. Agree. It’s nice to get a plant or cookies on Boss’s Day at the very most. Otherwise please just do a good job.

    6. Can you talk to the head of my company? He’s gotten gifts for years from one division of the company (who work to make him look good) that I belong to, and I think if he didn’t get anything, he’d be highly offended. So Ic can’t really rock the boat on this one. (Nevermind that he leases a new high-end car every year (good for him, but why am I, with my 10+ year old car, buying him something!?) and is very flashy with money.)

    8. So I am the deputy general counsel of a small company. I work very closely with my general counsel, and we are definitely on friendly terms. She is approximately 10 years older than me. Also, my husband is up for partnership at a very small firm this year, and this was his first year at the firm. The founding partner got a very nice gift certificate for us a few weeks back as a thank you for something my husband did. The founding partner is only a few years older than my husband.

      I bought food gift boxes that are unique to the area I grew up. The gift boxes/food were in the $50 range. Appropriate to give to my GC and the founding partner or no?

      1. If you’ve already bought them it’s not the worst thing in the world to go ahead and give them. But really, not gifting up is the better practice. Really.

      2. Any way you make them office/department gifts, instead? So, boss is included in the people that get the benefit, but it doesn’t feel so much like a boss gift.

    9. I’m late on this one but it’s been on my mind a lot since this year is the 1st year I haven’t given my director a small gift and a card expressing my thanks. Here’s my 2 cents on why I did do it and why I stopped. First I’m not a you-know-what kisser. I did it because I’ve worked a lot of places and I know a that I’m fortunate to have landed in a very good place to work. Very little office politics, people leave you alone to do your job and they take care of us like owners used to take care of people. And our director is the kind of guy who makes sure that there’s always more than enough so everyone gets fed. We still have a fancy office holiday party and a gift and a bonus. So I thank him for that every year bc I don’t take those things for granted like some might.

      I did stop this year because our industry is in a downturn so I’m in saving mode just in case. And I have an assistant now so my gift will be to him since he and his family can really use it.

  3. I like the idea of buying fewer, higher quality items that will last longer, but I think t-shirt like shirts will probably be my last holdout – I just can’t wrap my head around a $46 t-shirt (or $68 for the plus size, for that matter). Especially since my shirts tend to end up in the ragbag due to my own mistakes (spilling on them, snagging them on something) as or more often than wearing out or having holes in them – any unlike my work pants or jeans, tshirts actually do make good rags.

    Although I only wear a suit once a year or so – I suppose if I was trying to find shirts to wear under a suit (and had a job that paid me enough to make it worth the annoyance of regular suit wearing) I might be willing to spend a bit more.

    1. I just buy them on sale. At $12-20 it’s not more of a splurge than a gap tee and usually a better value over time. I pretty much do this with all of my nicer items from HP undies to winter boots.

    2. I think that cotton always reads a bit casual. I have a high number of LBH shirts (sold as tennis wear) that may cost slightly more but I think look more polished under suits b/c they are nylon (double layer in the front, and it’s a thick nylon). I like them a ton better than any other nylon or microfiber shirt. I could probably use 5 white ones b/c I’m always rationing (I don’t just wear them under suits but with cardigans and under sweaters to prolong their life) the one white and one off-white ones I have.

      1. Also: one thing I’ve liked about the nylon that I disliked about other shirts (including some other non-cotton ones) is that the pits haven’t yellowed. I hate that!

    3. I know what you mean, but this is a fantastic shirt. It has held up really well over the 5 years since I have had it. Very flattering esp. if you are a pear shape trying to balance out the lower half. Totally worth the price. But maybe wait for a sale (I bought mine on sale at Nordstrom).

    4. In the matter of white t-shirts, ‘buy less but better’ doesn’t work as well as ‘buy inexpensive and replace regularly’. I like Uniqlo or Muji myself.

    5. Agreed, I usually spend about $15 on a t-shirt, maybe 20, especially if it’s a shirt I’m just gonna wear under a cardigan or blazer most of the time.

    6. For me, Gap tees *are* the trade up from H&M and the like.

      Also… perplexed as to how this tee is in any way British. It lacks tea stains, for one.

        1. OH. I never think of ‘British tea’ as a phrase like that which is why I missed it. English breakfast tea, or Yorkshire tea specifically maybe.

    7. For me, tshirts are too casual for suits. I do find though that higher quality tshirts last longer and wear much better. I wouldn’t pay $46 for one but always get them on sale.

    8. I wear Ibex wool tees, which I usually by on sale for $40ish. The difference between wool and cotton is, to me, the difference between work-appropriate and not. That makes it worth it to me.

  4. Today is my last day before January 6. I am so exited to be taking off work for soooooo long, it seems. I have had a really stressful year, managing 6 projects over the course of the last 18 months (usually 3-4 at a time, overlapping), the magnitude of such is seen in our community only about once every year or two. So, to have 6 of them in a short period is just unprecedented. It’s been a $hitty year for managing my life & work.

    Unfortunately, I have a bunch of stuff that has to be complete before I leave at 1. But then I go home, get my kids off the bus & take a nap. And I won’t think about work again for nearly 3 weeks.

    1. Today is my last day of work until the 4th as well (seems crazy when I setup my out of office for that far from now!)

      Which means my day is going to be filled with wrapping up last minute tasks, and sorting out the 25% of important papers from the 75% that should just be shredded.

      This is the longest time I’ve ever taken off of work that wasn’t FMLA related in 10 years, I’m pretty excited. Now if only I can manage not to kill my husband or children in those 2 weeks …

      1. Same. To make it worse, my office is moving today so all the attorneys are “working from home.”. Not helping the motivation.

      2. Husband and I are (plus kid on winter break) are both taking two weeks off and I am also worried about being cooped up in the same house for two weeks straight. Especially because he likes to do everything together and gets his feelings hurt when I want to spend time on a solo hobby or project.

    2. Me, too! I just have to get out of this horrible meeting I am in, and I am out of here! I cleaned my desk yesterday, but I should really deal with cleaning out my email before I go. But I don’t think I will… I am beyond excited. We don’t have any travel plans, so it will be lounging around, a couple of small home projects, and lots of visiting with family & friends. It is really a long enough time to really recharge/disconnect. And luckily for me, most of my coworkers are out, too — so not a lot to come back to in the new year.

  5. My mom is looking for blouses for work that are “long.” She has an average length torso, but her job involves lots of crawling around on the floor with babies, and she is tired of having to constantly pull down her shirt to meet her pants. Any suggestions for stores/brands? Bonus points for chains with locations in Albuquerque, NM– she is not a fan of online shopping.

    1. Land’s End at Sears sells “tall” sizes. They don’t always carry them in the store, but if she find shirts she likes on the floor, she can ask the sales associates if they can order the same thing for her in a tall if it’s available. Not quite the same thing as in-store shopping, but maybe a safe bridge between in-store and online shopping for her?

      For a stopgap, someone suggested layering maternity tank tops under my regular shirts, and that works pretty well to avoid flashing skin if you don’t mind wearing an extra layer. Actually, if she doesn’t mind getting some odd looks shopping in that section/store, maternity clothes that aren’t cut with an empire waist or stupid tieback or ruching are often longer versions of regular clothes – so Target maternity or Old Navy maternity might have something she could use.

      1. Layering tanks is a good idea. She can also look at “tunic” tops. Those are super long but might be perfect with skinny jeans (the stretchy kind.)

    2. Lots of brands have tall sizes (Boden, Banana Republic, Gap, Ann Taylor, Loft) but she’s going to have to order them online. I have some regular length Loft tops that are long enough to tuck in, but they’re not especially long.

      1. Also, LL Bean has tall sizes in stores, but probably not much work-appropriate.

        1. Probably perfect for crawling around on the floor with children, since it sounds like that’s her job, it does sound work appropriate.

    3. One blogger posted about buying maternity tanks from Target to layer because they are longer–she was not pregnant. That might be an option.

    4. I’d also say to look for shirts called “long line” – which is something I learned only recently, but that has served me well as I do have a longer torso.

    6. Duluth Trading longtail shirts are perfect for this. Alas, I believe the only option is online.

  6. My company has asked me to travel to Europe for 2 weeks. At the time of travel, I will be 13 – 15 weeks pregnant. Company does not know this yet (and I originally hadn´t planned to tell before week 14).

    Aim is client relationship building, so it´s a “meet and greet” trip, not an unavoidable one.

    I have mixed feelings about 1) safety of the child (radiation etc. during overseas air travel) and 2) whether I should tell my company already now that I will no longer be available to work with the client in the foreseeable future before they book plane tickets, hotels etc.

    I plan to go on an extended mat leave (1 year) and then come back to the same employer. With all personal time accrued, my last day in the office will probably be in mid-May. So IMHO, it would be a business consideration for the company to send my successor instead of me. And it would be in my own interest to avoid hard feelings.

    Any advise on 1) and 2)? I´ll obviously also ask my doctor about 1) as well.

    1. 1) Oversesas travel is perfectly safe while pregnant. I’ve heard of some doctors advising flight attendants to cut back/work from home but they are flying hundreds of hours a month. A single flight is fine and many people travel for pleasure while pregnant (“babymoons”, anyone)?

      2) Nooooo this is a terrible idea. This is the definition of leaning out. Don’t start transitioning stuff to your temporary successor until you’re much closer to going out on mat leave. You’re planning to return to the same company after a mat leave. Why shouldn’t you be entitled to build relationships with these clients? You have to take the long view of your career and not just worry about the next year or two. Please read Lean In.

      1. Well, some people take babymoons, but many choose not to leave the country or go on flights longer than 3-4 hours. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad idea, especially so early in the pregnancy, but that also doesn’t mean it’s a crazy concern to have. Personally, I would go on the trip unless it interferes with an important OB appointment. I had more trouble traveling before 11 weeks (when my nausea magically disappeared) than I did post-11 weeks.

    2. Oh good god!

      1) this is absurd. You are being cray. There is no concern.

      2) Go on the trip. Tell them on your regular schedule. Enjoy your ridiculously long maternity leave, and tell us where this magical employer is!

        4. Not quite any-company-in-Canada. While we are legally entitled to it, women in finance can not take a year (and expect to have clients when they come back).

          Just saying.

          I am referred to in my small-ish city as “that woman who went back to work insanely early” (4 months).

          I wish I was kidding.

    3. I’d agree – one flight that early one should be fine. If you’d prefer you can always request a pat down/going through the metal detector instead of the 360 scan. I flew about 7-8 times for work when I was pregnant and never had any issues with asking for the pat down when I told them why.
      Agree with anon above – don’t leave before you leave! Take the trip, build the relationship now, and garner as much goodwill with work/clients as you can. Trust me, as someone who had a rough pregnancy and a rougher 1st year back, it really helped me to have many years of solid work and good relationships at my company to.

      1. I am flying this coming week and am pregnant. I have never heard about this issue with metal detectors before. Should I be asking for a pat down instead of going through metal detector?

        1. I think you do you. I flew at least 5 times while pregnant and I never requested a pat down. I personally do not like being touched in any circumstance by people I don’t know and would rather take the negligible risk with the detectors. I also ate cold lunchmeat and had a couple glasses of wine in the 3rd tri though, so I’m sure there are a ton of people out there who would disagree with how I handled my pregnancy…

        2. Radiation exposure from the airport scanners is a tiny fraction of the extra radiation you’re exposed to on the flight itself, so if you want to worry, worry about the flight, not the security screening. But neither should be a major concern if you’re only flying a few times.

        3. I think the issue is with the scatter scanners (aka p*rno scnaners), not the metal detector, so the point is you go through the metal detector and get a pat down rather than the other one. Even then, the issue is probably not huge.

        4. The pat down is not an alternative to a metal detector. The pat down AND metal detector is an alternative to that 360 degree thing that some people think emits radiation. If you have TSA precheck you automatically go through the metal detector with no pat down instead of the 360 thing, but there’s no getting around the metal detector.

          1. That is not true. I fly extensively for work (domestically and internationally — at least two trips a month)and because some people (my husband) are sensitive (paranoid) to these things, I’ve always requested a pat down. You walk through the side gate that the TSA people use. You avoid the metal detector AND the 360. and then you get taken aside and patted down extensively (you can request to do this privately, but it takes WAAAAYYY longer).

            I don’t think you need to avoid the metal detector or the 360. The risk is really negligible. But if you are concerned, it can be done.

          2. Agree with Amelia Bedelia’s first paragraph. I’ve never had to go through the metal detector when getting a patdown. They take you through a side gate, do the pat down, and then swab your hands and run it through a machine.

            There’s nothing about the metal detector you need to avoid though. If for some reason they’re putting people through the metal detector that day (“random” security!), you’re fine to take that option and avoid the often long wait for the patdown.

        5. I think the people that do have concerns are okay with the metal detector. It’s that other machine where you stand and put your hands up they have concerns about. If you are not a frequent traveler, I wouldn’t worry about it.

        6. I flew 12-14 times during first two tris. Doc, airport peeps, and science all assured me that the machines (including the 360-hands-up-thing) was safe. They also all said I could opt for the patdown if I wanted – which I did most of the time when I wasn’t running late, just because I preferred to.

          You don’t need a note from your doc, it’s available to anyone who requests it, and you don’t need a reason. As you are putting your bag/items on the belt tell the nearest staff member that you’d like a patdown. They ask if you would prefer a male or female, then call for the nearest patdowner. The person doing the patdown takes you aside, explains the procedure to you, then does the patdown. Oh and they ask which belongings are yours before the patdown and pull them so they don’t just pile up at the end of the conveyor belt.

          At worst I had to wait 5 minutes for them to get someone, at best it was just as fast as going through the machine. Always treated well and respectfully. I would recommend pants over a skirt if you’re going for the patdown though.

          1. Before I got Global Entry/Pre, I requested patdowns dozens of times and was never permitted to request a male or female screener. I tried to request male several times because the wait for a female would be 10-15 minutes while they shifted employees to different posts, and they said it was not allowed. This was in numerous airports.

          2. Same. I once I had to wait 30 minutes for a female (they were punishing me because they were annoyed I opted out) and almost missed my flight. I was BEGGING for a male to just do it and they said it was law that I had to have a female. Now I have TSA precheck and it’s my everything.

        7. Agree. In fact this is how I figured out my friend was expecting! I didn’t push the issue and she wanted to wait until after we were there to tell me anyways. If you are traveling with work people prepare a rant in advance about airport security, or jump in another line for the sake of getting through

    4. Make sure you get an aisle seat — I flew when pregnant and was in the bathroom tragically frequently (not getting sick, just that I had a 20 minute bladder).

      Also, talk to your dr about what to do in an emergency and what your insurance coverage is. In some countries, only a hospital will have an ultrasound (not a doctor’s office) (advice was just to get home and get in asap). On my first pregancy, I started spotting in an airport in another country. I flew during subsequent pregnancies without incident.

    5. If you’re worried about radiation, your doctor can give you a letter saying you shouldn’t go thru those xray machines. You’ll get an intimate pat down from airport security. But really – the amount of radiation in those machines is less than the u/s machine at your doctor’s office. Don’t sweat it.

      1. Uh – ultrasound uses sonic waves, not x-ray (ionizing) radiation. Apples and oranges.

        1. Science has never been my strong suit. My point is those xray machines are fairly harmless to go thru twice.

      2. You don’t need a letter to opt out of the back-scatter machines, you just tell them you don’t want to go through them and they’ll give you a pat-down instead.

      3. You don’t need a letter to opt out and get a pat down instead. Anyone can opt out of the scanner machines and request a pat down at any time for any reason, and you don’t have to give the reason.

      4. It’s actually the radiation you get from being in the air, not from the machines, that can be a concern. But I think that’s more about flight attendants and pilots who are pregnant and flying several times a day.

    6. I agree with the people above that travel is safe and there is no reason to “leave before you leave” but I also see where you are coming from. I am a bad traveler. I get really bad anxiety. I am very prone to food poisoning. I would have a hard time traveling without anxiety medication which I’m guessing I couldn’t take pregnant. So, if that is part of your situation, I can understand why you would want to get out of this not critical trip. I also think people are glossing over the fact that you will be gone an entire year. If we were talking about a 6 week leave, it would be a blip and of course you would still want this client contact. If this client has a new project that will need to be completed during the year you are out I don’t see the point of starting on the project. If they work with someone else for an entire year on the first project with your company, they are going to justifiably want to stay with that person and not transition back to you who they barely know when you return. I personally don’t think it’s that big of a deal to lean out on this one client and it probably makes a lot more business sense.

      If you want to get out of the trip without disclosing you are pregnant, I would say something like “I’m currently dealing with a medical issue and may need to have a procedure around the time of the trip. I don’t know if I will be able to fly then so I think it would make sense for someone else to do this trip. I will know more in a couple of months after I have some more testing and I will let you know when I can travel again.”

      If you really would be more comfortable just telling them what is going on, that is okay too. It sucks if you lose the baby but in some jobs, you have to disclose early. Within my group of friends, I have one friend that works with guns and had to inform her employer as soon as she was pregnant because she couldn’t work with lead. Another works in a chemical lab and had to restrict which projects she works on. In both instances, their supervisors changed their duties without telling everyone why but because it is a common issue in their industry, many people suspected. In your case, your coworkers likely wouldn’t guess why you weren’t on the project or not traveling.

    8. As an opposing point of view, I was supposed to go to Europe for work when I was 11 weeks, and the day before I was scheduled to leave, I found out that I’d miscarried. I cancelled the trip and those who I told were completely understanding, but I had to tell more people than I would have otherwise. I will grant that this was an extraordinary coincidence of bad timing and bad luck. Except that four months later, I found out the DAY that I was leaving for a different work trip to Europe that another, very new, pregnancy was not going to stick. Much less traumatic, and I went anyway, but not ideal.

      Now, six months later, I am going to be having a fertility treatment during the time of a big meeting–and obviously was not going to disclose this at work–so I just said that I’m having some minor surgery that day and won’t be able to make it. Surgery is scheduled in advance and often you don’t have control over the day, so it’s unlikely you’d get pushback. You could do this if you are worried about traveling during the first tri and aren’t ready to tell.

      But the “don’t leave before you leave” advice is good. You never know what will happen, so planning your workflow to end on your due date is not yet warranted. If you were 6 months along, it would be different.

      1. How is this an opposing point of view? She should consider not going because she might coincidentally miscarry? If she does, she cancels. That’s not a reason to not go.

        1. I think it’s actually more of a reason she SHOULD go! She’s still in the first trimester so there is (sadly) a very real chance of losing the baby, and making career decisions based on the pregnancy at this point is the very definition of leaving before you leave.

        2. If she does, she cancels – yes. But, what if it occurs on the trip? I kind of understand someone not wanting to take the risk of potentially miscarrying far from home, far from her local doctors and only around work colleagues. I’m not saying no pregnant woman should travel. I’m saying, I can understand if a pregnant woman would prefer not to travel.

          1. +1. I had an issue at 14 weeks where I was suddenly in the hospital and almost had to have my cervix surgically closed. Turned out everything was fine (thank God) but I was away from home and it was much scarier than if I’d had my normal OB with me.

            I think all of this “lean in/don’t leave before you leave” thing is kind of bs. It’s one opinion, it’s not the only way to do things. It’s great that we aren’t dismissing pregnant women from having the freedom to do what they want to do, but the flip side of that shouldn’t be to make women feel like they have to go out of their comfort zone during pregnancy just because of a Sheryl Sandberg analogy. It’s one thing to not take new projects, it’s another to not want to be away from home in another country for two weeks.

      2. I think that the reference to losing the baby was about telling early – that is, the conventional wisdom is to not tell until later because if you lose the baby, you’ll have to un-tell, which is obviously not pleasant. But sometimes, people just have to take that risk and tell early regardless.

  7. My dad and I have always been very close, but he’s become very prone to excessive talking in a preachy/sometimes condescending kind of way and being sort of oblivious to other people’s interest or lack thereof. He also veers into political discussions that aren’t all that well thought out, yet he thinks they are and seems to want to share them with everyone and says things he probably shouldn’t. This usually isn’t at embarrassing levels unless there’s wine involved, but there usually is. He says he wants me to tell him when he’s doing this so he can improve, but whenever I try (however gently) he gets really emotional and sometimes a little mean. It’s also true that I’ve become more sensitive to this over the years; I asked my husband if I was just being too sensitive and this is totally a “me” problem, and he said it’s probably 50/50. I realize that it’s weird for my dad to be around/such a big part of my life at my age (28), but I used to be so proud of him and wanted to introduce him to people, and how he just sort of embarrasses me. I feel sad and a little guilty, and I’m not sure I know how to proceed.

    Also, I totally get that this is normal for many people and not objectively a problem. I just feel like it’s hard to feel close to him now, and that really bothers me.

    1. I have a similar relationship with my dad at age 33, he had me when he was 20 so he’s grown up with me and even though I have younger brothers and sisters (same mom), sometimes he does that same “give me feedback thing” with me (and not my siblings). I have limited the feedback solely to when he is offending me. And I listen to him vent about other social interactions and how they may have gone wrong and provide feedback like “maybe that person is sensitive about X but I’ve offended people like that before. “Maybe you just can’t discuss abortion/rape/politics (just examples not actually what he talks about) with some people”. So I sort of put it on the other people as being sensitive rather than saying he’s wrong. I’ve found that no matter how much he asks, whatever I say isn’t met constructively so I don’t do it anymore. He can be embarrassing but I just let it be. “That’s my dad!”

      1. You take such a lovely attitude toward it. I find myself knowing I should feel this way about it, but I’m having a hard time. How did you become okay with just letting it be?

    2. Same situation with my dad, except that we’ve never been that close, so I have all the empathy in the world. There is no solution, aside from setting and then enforcing your boundaries relentlessly–no matter how emotional and mean he gets in response. For me, this means an almost total ban on discussing anything related to politics, national security, or religion. This is my script:

      Dad: Hillary Clinton masterminded the Benghazi attack. I’m moving to Canada if she gets elected.*
      Me: Dad, we’ve discussed this. I want to enjoy our visit and if you keep discussing how [you support a Trump/Carson ticket] [all Muslims are terrorists] [Obama wants to bring in Syrian refugees to start a caliphate in America]** [etc], that will not happen.
      Dad: [anger ranting anger ranting]
      Me: Dad, I will you to stop talking about this so we can enjoy our visit one more time before I leave the room.
      Dad: [anger how dare you it’s a free country and I can express myself etc.]
      Me: [leaves room, house if necessary]

      Repeat until they know you’re serious. After 5 years he more or less gets it, but we still have to have one blowup every 1.5 years. The winner was the time I pulled the car over and told him to get out if he didn’t keep emphasizing how being gay was a choice. Shockingly, he decided to shut his trap instead of being left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

      I hate that this is part of our relationship but seriously, it’s all that has ever helped.

      *Where they don’t have Obamacare or gay marriage.
      **I wish I was kidding with these examples.

      1. My dad is your dad, but he gets joy out of my “I don’t want to have this conversation” reactions, so I’ve developed a different coping mechanism. I just don’t respond at all. Or I interact with him like we’re having a completely different conversation.

        Dad: Obama is a Muslim terrorist.
        Me: Hey, I saw the tree in the front yard has grown a ton since I was last here. What kind of products are using on it?

        Dad: Hitler-y Clinton :blah blah blah:
        Me: We noticed a crack in our ceiling last week, here’s a picture. Do you think it’s a foundation issue or just a bad dry wall job?

      2. This is hilarious to me that people threaten to move to Canada if Hilary gets elected. Especially now with our new liberal PM, we are way more liberal than the US will ever be under Hilary.

          2. Okay, it’s not really one year full paid. It’s whatever your company tops up at (sometimes nothing), and Employment Insurance, which isn’t really a TON of money, I think it work out to maybe 1500-2000/month after taxes, and you only get EI if you’ve paid into for enough weeks before going on leave.

          1. This – a lot of people come here – it’s actually not that easy to ‘move to Canada’

      3. This is my FIL. I now hear the conversation begin and leave the room. MIL and SIL have been joining me recently so he’s having much less fun preaching to a small group.

      4. Driving back from court last night, I saw a guy standing on the side of the highway, no car around him, with a couple bags, on his cell phone and cracking up laughing. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just kicked out of someone’s car and calling for a new ride. Then I wondered what he did to get kicked out.

    3. I’m not clear on how harmful his behavior is– are people getting angry and telling you your dad sucks after the fact? Are they left weeping in a heap on the floor after the conversation? Or are they just stuck in an uncomfortable conversation at a social gathering for a few minutes? Is it affecting your career? something else?

      Your dad’s probably been doing this all of his adult life and can’t recognize when it’s happening? Can he learn to look for cues that the person is interested, agrees, or is trying to escape the conversation? (And he might see these cues already, but chose to forge ahead anyway because he’s decided it’s more important to share his opinion). IF your dad agrees that he needs to improve … then can he find other ways to do this — can you not be the one to teach him? Because that’s not your job and harmful to your relationship. Like, I had a boyfriend that wanted me to help him stop smoking by nagging him–NO. I didn’t want him to smoke, but it couldn’t be my responsibility to make him stop either … I told him no thanks, I’m not your mother. But also, as difficult as it is to stop smoking — how difficult would it be to stop SOMEONE ELSE from smoking … lol, no thanks.

      So, I’d let go of trying to tell him gently. Regardless, I think the solution has to be something other than you helping him improve. If there are certain events where his behavior will be a problem, I’d tell him certain topics are off limits for the night or he needs to curb his wine consumption for the night. If he can’t do that, don’t invite him to those types of gatherings anymore. Do what you can do. It might be time for your social circles to diverge more, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Maybe he’d rather go talk politics with his cronies.

      1. oh no, it’s not harmful at all. I think they don’t really have an issue except that sometimes they get tired of the conversation (which is super common in general, so it’s not like he’s horrendous). It’s not like his political views are all that different from mine or offensive or anything. He just doesn’t think about things before he says them, and he says too many things. He’s very impulsive, which I think is part of the issue here. I think he knows social cues well, it’s just a matter of him thinking before saying.

        It’s not a problem, I really should just let it go. It’s just that we’ve always been so close and I truly enjoyed talking to him about just about anything. And now I feel like I have to manage him a little bit, which isn’t unusual, but I feel less close to him.

        1. *isn’t unusual as in I realize this is how many other parent child relationships are. His viewpoints are also very reasonable, so we’re not talking Obama is a Kenyan muslim terrorist or anything like that. I think I’m probably not as chill about this as I should be. Thanks all.

        2. Remember that you probably judge him harsher than anyone else and that can be very hurtful because you are also probably someone he loves more than almost anyone else. I have to catch myself with my mom a lot. Sometimes I feel like she isn’t as smart and am embarrassed/critical when it happens. I just have to remind myself how many things I do love about her.When I feel myself being extra critical, I remember that this woman taught me how to do absolutely everything like reading, using a toilet, eating solid food. That must have taken some pretty incredible patience and I should learn from it.

  8. Not the OP, but reposting because I would love to hear the responses!

    The holidays has me thinking about family traditions. What are your favorite traditions (do not have to be holiday related)? For instance, I remember an episode of the Kardashians (I know I know) where someone mentioned that their father used to ask them to discuss one high and one low from their day every day at dinner. My favorite tradition from my family is my mom’s daily massage for each of us kids before bedtime. It was usually only a stroke or two before we fell asleep, but we all looked forward to it.

    What are your family traditions?

    1. My favorite holiday tradition is hot cocoa with the family on Christmas morning. We usually set up a hot coco bar with toppings and everyone grabs a mug and we all sit around and chat. I do half hot cocoa and half coffee for the adults!

      Another of my favorite family traditions is reading aloud to my kids before bed every night. And every year on their birthday I buy them a book and write a message to them inside. They are young now, but I think they will appreciate it once they are older.

      I would love to incorporate some new traditions!

    2. My favorite holiday tradition is how my family opens Christmas presents – even though there are usually 14+ of us, we open gifts one gift at a time. Everyone oohs and ahhs over each gift individually. It takes hours – we usually start around 8 am and finish around 12-1 pm with a break in the middle for a big holiday breakfast. I probably love gift giving so much because we take the time to enjoy everything together.

      My favorite non-holiday tradition is that my dad’s entire extended family all play 2-3 particular card games any time any part of the family is together. The games aren’t exactly easy, but all of the children are playing by age 10 or so (and even younger with parents). It is really cross-generational because we all know the games and enjoy playing them together. Any time my parents, sister, and I go on a vacation, we always wind up playing in a hotel bar or lobby – and it’s usually my favorite part of the trip no matter where we are.

      1. My mother’s side of the family does something very similar WRT card games. There’s one particular one that we all learn to play around 8 or 9 – any time you get one or more of my mother’s siblings and their families together, there WILL be a game of nickel rummy.
        It was a little eerie though – last year at my aunt’s funeral, all us nieces and nephews convened upstairs in my grandmother’s house for a couple rounds of nickel rummy. My late aunt was a fantastic player, and she loved close games the best. When all us cousins played, each of us won a hand before anyone had won two, and it was one of the closest games by score that I can remember. I think Auntie had a hand in that. :)

        1. I didn’t include this initially because it felt a little weird, but it definitely now feels like we primarily get together and play before/after funerals. I feel that this is the best way to honor the family member we lost and it gives everyone an opportunity to sit with each other in support without having to talk about emotions or anything. You definitely feel the lost member’s presence and can reflect on fond memories.

          1. For us, it feels similar to the concept of an Irish Wake, at least the way our Irish family does it – send ’em off with a drink and a song, kind of. You’re definitely right about it being a form of memorial, as well, especially if the deceased was a good player. The first game we did, with the whole family (everyone from my 15 year old cousin to my 90 year old great-great-aunt), we had a hand dealt for my late aunt that my brother ended up playing in her name.

            It does seem after a while that the only time we get together anymore is for weddings and funerals, doesn’t it? Once you get past a certain age and everyone’s spread out, it’s hard to get everybody together at the same time.

      2. My mother’s family also has traditional card games that you learn around age 10 or so. It’s not a common game, by any means (I’ve never met anyone that’s played the exact same game, although now there is a commercial game that is similar), and we have our own family rules to it, so it has a learning curve. Because of the way the game is structured and our family reputation as to personal strategies, even where you sit at the table (ideally you want to sit to the immediate left of a clueless/flaky player and to the right of the players with the same strategy as you).

        We just played last weekend, and now you’ve got me excited to play again next weekend. I wonder if my oldest son is ready to start learning?

    3. Our traditional Christmas morning breakfast is bagels and lox with all the trimmings. No one remembers when or why this started, and no one is Jewish in our family (not that you have to be Jewish to enjoy delicious delicious bagels and lox, but I think you get where I’m going – if you were to associate that food with a faith, it wouldn’t be Christianity).

      We also play team trivial pursuit on Christmas afternoon – men vs. women!

      1. Growing up we always stopped at the Jewish bakery on the way home from church. I still love a warm poppy seed bagel with cream cheese and raspberry jam — some of my favorite memories.

    4. YAY! Fruegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this Zappos tee shirt. But at $46, is it realy THAT fruegel? Any way, as for the OP, we had a family tradition of DAD quizzing Rosa and me every Sunday about WorlD Geography. Dad was a former CIA AND Special force’s guy who did undercover work as a consultant behind THE IRON curtan, so he wanted for us to know about thing’s like Berlin and Kazakstan and Istambul, where there was alot of intrigue (and sexy women, Mom says that kept Dad warm at night).

      So I was ALWAYS smarter then Rosa on those issues I supose that is WHY I went to law school and she just has a BA degree– tho she has a HUSBAND and 3 kid’s and I have a NYC Coop apartement. Anyway, Dad realy did NOT give me much credit for being smarter then Rosa< i gues s he knew that with her look's she would NOT haveany problem findeing a guy to support her, but me, with my thick leg's and tuchus, might have a probelem, so I needed to be book smart.

      But as it turned out, Dad was right, so I am glad he worked my tuchus off to be smart, so now I am. YAY!!!!

      1. It sounds like Rosa also did pretty well for herself; even if she wasn’t up on world geography, her thinner legs and smaller touches landed her a mate.

        Ellen, I hope you will be able catch up to your sister soon, as I too have heavy piano legs and a big tuchus, and I have a very loving husband and 3 kids!

    5. We are not super religious but my mom always tried to find ways to work our faith into our lives in practical and fun ways like the Christmas morning birthday cake for Jesus. We are all grown now and personally I’m not a believer but mimosas and my mom’s cake is still the best start to Christmas I can think of!

  9. I’m looking to purchase an “investment” type coat. I was thinking something along the lines of one of Burberry’s wool coats. Anyone have any particular Burberry wool coat that they love, or any other similarly priced wool coat? Also, what is the difference between the various Burberry lines? TIA.

    1. I love my wool Mackage coat, its unbelievably thick and warm and you can really feel the difference in the quality of the wool. I went to Bloomingdales and tried on a few of the Burberry coats vs. the Mackage ones, and I really wasn’t all that impressed with the Burberry ones for the cost.

      1. ss, I just love the way the burberry coats look, they look so classic. I’m not familiar with what coats are known for their wool coats which is why I asked, so thanks for the suggestion of Max Mara, I will check them out

    3. There’s always Katherine Hooker and her coats are gorgeous, well-made, and cost enough to be an investment. I have two now and I love them both.

  10. *cross-posted to moms site, but thought people here might have experience too
    Has anyone had experience with grade retention? My child’s school is suggesting that we look at having our child repeat kindergarten. He’s the youngest in his class (birthday is right before the age cutoff). He’s apparently keeping up academically, but is immature on the social/emotional side of things (even compared to classmates with similarly timed birthdays we are told). We heard some of the same issues in preK, but everyone ultimately decided to see how kindergarten went. He’s at a very small, academically strong, nurturing school. Academically, I think the school can find a way to challenge him at any grade so he’s fine there. We are just struggling with the whether asking him to play “up” and keep up with older kids is a good challenge or harmful. He’s been with this group of kids for 2 years so I am a little worried about his self-esteem if we go through with this. Any thoughts appreciated.

    1. Hold him back. The school is good right? And they’ve given you consistent feedback over two years. He won’t be disturbingly old for his new grade. He’s what 5? He will cope perfectly fine with a new crew of friends.

      Also, a good challenge? That’s a bit cray. He isn’t developmentally there. You can’t rush brain development at all. It sounds like clearly he will be happiest and most successful being held back and you just need to chill.

    2. I’d recommend having him held back. It’s not just an issue of self-esteem at age 5 — think about middle school, high school, college, entering the workforce — you’ll want a naturally self-confident kid, not one who’s practiced acting older than his age all along, right?

    3. Not a parent, no direct experience, but my lovely, well-adjusted SO was in the same situation as a small person. His parents decided to have him repeat kindergarten so his social/emotional maturity could catch up–his mom is an elementary school teacher, so they definitely had good info. 22 years later, all is well.

    4. I don’t have direct experience with retention but I have direct experience with being younger and constantly trying to catch up. I feel like it might benefit him to be one of the older ones in the class. I don’t think his self-esteem will take a terrible hit to repeat K.

    5. As someone who was a cut-off baby, I say hold him back.

      My parents decided to push me forward, and while I did just fine academically, I really struggled socially to connect with my classmates, whereas I did really well with the kids in the grade below me. It evened out later but for a while there it was really tough and made me the odd one out.

      1. I was a cutoff baby and my mother held me back for no reason other than my birthday. I was reading in kindergarten, but she held me back. I’ve never been challenged in school and was always freakishly tall. I would have preferred to have been allowed to try and fail.

        Here, your son has tried and the recommendation from good teachers at a good school is that he repeat. I’d go with that. I have a summer baby (well before the cutoff) and had her tested before sending her on time this year. I think that she is fine, but was concerned that so many (SO MANY) kids in our area are automatically redshirted for kindergarten that she wouldn’t be fine against kids a year or more older than her. There are a ton of 6 year old boys in her class, so much that I wouldn’t worry about it if I were you.

        I will say that many people consider switching schools when holding back. Is that an option at all? There is a preK with a K year that many people use and then switch schools (so the kid has K twice, but not at the same school).

      2. I’m also a cut-off baby and wasn’t held back. I’ll say that due to my shyness and introversion, earlier elementary school was a little tough socially, but by 3rd and 4th grade I was becoming bored in class (luckily, many teachers let me read my books when I got done). By high school, I would have been going nuts on the academic side (as it was, I ended up being advanced amid-year in one class, which was pretty unusual). So if you do hold back, make sure the school has resources for the academic side (GT? additional enrichment? Skipping ahead class by class in high school? Not just “here’s another worksheet”. . .)

      3. I was pushed ahead in school and it made it really difficult for me emotionally and socially. I could handle the class work without a problem but struggled for years in social interactions. I agree that you should hold him back. School is not just about academics and the social aspect is important for success in life.

      4. My brother and I were both cutoff babies, excelled academically, and were particularly tall for our ages (so we didn’t look younger). We both had some social struggles from being the smart kid, but his were also about his being somewhat emotionally immature. I think he would have been much happier in school if my parents had held him back a year, and my mother agrees.

      5. +1 – same here. I wish my parents had held me back and they didn’t. At that age I didn’t have any real concept of “friends” so I’m not even sure I would have noticed if I was held back and it was different kids. It was really hard being on the younger end of the school group and I think I would have had a much easier time socially if I’d been held back.

    6. Just as somebody who wasn’t in this position (on the younger side of my class), my friends who were older were fine but my friends who were advanced a grade struggled socially.

      Everybody in the class will know, though, when it comes to high school, etc. If that even matters to you.

    7. No direct experience, but knowing the people in my friendship circle/grade that were held back a year because of emotional maturity, I can’t imagine what would have happened had they not been held back. Many of them even being held back a year were still immature compared to the rest of the class. Teachers don’t recommend holding a kid back for no reason, typically not only are they immature for their own class, but lacking in maturity compared to the class below as well. The gap is just going to widen as he gets older.

      Listen to the teachers, they went to school for their jobs; they are the ones with the experience in this. You wouldn’t question a doctor if he said he needed to go to speech therapy because his language skills were underdeveloped, why wouldn’t you listen to a teacher that sees him every day that thinks his emotional maturity needs an extra year of development?

    8. Read the Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell, then hold him back. The book discusses evidence that kids who are comparatively older in their grades do better on average than the younger ones (on average! No one freak out with anecdata – I was a young one in my grade too).

    9. I think there is research which shows that the benefit to “red-shirting” kids goes away by the end of grade 3. In other words, it’s to their benefit up to age 3, but then there can be problems which arise due to the fact that they are now the oldest in their class (e.g. by high school, they may be bored and act out). It’s been some years since I read the research. My middle son was born right by the cut off as well. We sent him “early” and he’s done great. He had a friend who was held back to the later class and he’s done great too. I would likely take what the school is saying into consideration-they don’t have a reason to steer you wrong, do they? I’d also ask my pediatrician.

    10. Hold him back and sign him up for some extracurricular stuff to challenge him like a lil language class or something. It’s harder to do it later and he can always get mentally challenged elsewhere.

      1. I was the Anonymous poster at 10:20. . . I think finding suitable enrichment can be really tough. Remember that kids are trapped in school for 6-8 hours a day for 12 years. That’s a criminally long time to be bored (and can lead to acting out later on). No amount of after-school enrichment can make up for those hours (in fact, it would have been worse to me – I would have felt like I was being punished with less free time).

        1. Except she says it’s an academically strong school, he is being challenged academically, and he is failing socially.

          1. He’s in K. My point is that an academic career is a long time to be bored. They should make sure there are avenues to enrichment, in the school system, for the entirety of that time.

    11. I was on the cuff as well and I guess I did struggle socially, but moreso in elementary school than middle/high school. I was a bit of a late bloomer in terms of puberty, but that was mostly genetics anyways. I think socially everthing evened out. I actually remember a conversation with my mom when I was five asking if I wanted to be held back since I was so much younger than the other kids but I said no. I’m glad I wasn’t because I wouldn’t want to be a year “behind” in my life than I am now.

    12. Anecdata:

      – I was young for my grade because I skipped a grade in elementary school. Academically, I excelled; socially, I’ve always struggled a bit.

      – my husband was old for his grade because he was held back when his family moved to the US and standards different. He excelled academically and socially.

    13. Thanks for the thoughtful responses. We could switch schools for a year, although he loves his school. It’s one of the top private schools in the area and known for having a strong curriculum. They also divide the kids into small groups for all of their work in the primary grades so I think they can tweak a little for material that he already knows cold.

    14. My preschool recommend having me delay kindergarten for a year for emotional reasons. I was young but not super young (born in May, cutoff was September, so I was probably 20th percentile in age for my grade). My parents ignored them and always said it was the best decision they ever made, because it was a struggle to challenge me academically and would have been much worse if I were a year older. As it was, by high school I was accelerated in several subjects, but they think I would have had to formally skip a grade (back to my original grade) if they had held me back. I didn’t have a lot of friends in high school, just one super close friend and a bunch of acquaintances/people to have lunch with, but I think this was partly due to my acceleration (I was at the local college for half my subjects junior/senior year) so I definitely don’t think holding me back would have solved things. I had a good friend group in elementary/middle school.

      After my experience and what my parents have told me, I would never choose to hold my kid back for social/emotional reasons.

      1. +1. Holding a kid back for social reasons isn’t going to solve anything, and relying on the school’s assurances that they will individualize the curriculum so he won’t get bored academically is risky. A bored kid is an unhappy kid, and an unhappy kid is going to act out and therefore have even more social problems. If the issues are purely social, can the school offer services to address these problems directly without retaining him?

        For context, I am the parent of an exceptionally gifted child who was accelerated by placing her in kindergarten a year early. We are so glad we did not wait until she had reached traditional kindergarten age. Our school district does not differentiate instruction in math until the fourth grade, and she was bored to death in math until she got to the fourth grade (and is still rather bored because the pace is still too slow). They also never accelerate reading instruction more than two grade levels. If she had been forced to wait another year to start kindergarten, she would have been bored in every subject and would have become a troublemaker, causing social as well as academic problems. As it is, she is happy and well-adjusted and has tons of friends, who range from 9 months to 16+ months older than she is.

        As far as sports go, non-school sports teams and competitions (travel teams, individual sports) are typically grouped by age, not by grade.

      2. Regarding social skills- we’re working with the school on social supports and tweaks to help him with self-regulation, activity transitions, and emotional outbursts. That’s the tricky part about development. At some point it doesn’t matter how many tools and supports you give a child. If they aren’t ready to use them yet, you just have to wait. It’s really hard as a parent to figure out when “we’ll just try harder” isn’t going to work.

    15. Don’t all boys near the cut off get red shirted? I thought that was the widely accepted practice now. Especially if you/your partner harbor aspirations of having this kid play a sport at a high level, know that he’ll be competing against a bunch of other red shirted boys (and socializing with them in non-sport settings).

      (Full disclosure: I am married to an August baby/youngest in his year of school and he had no trouble keeping up academically or socially, so I know it’s not every kid.)

      1. Guys I didn’t know what you were talking about so I googled “cut-off baby.” Strong recommend against doing this. Ugh.

        1. I hear you, that ship has sailed. My girls were in K at 5 with kids (boys) who were already 6. My summer baby had recently been 4 was in class with a 6YO who is about a foot taller. Junior high was awkward when I went and will be even worse as some kids hit puberty when others are still obvious babies (and some kids hit puberty in elementary school). It is so weird and wrong. But it is done (will say more by SAHM parents where the daycare paying parents have a strong incentive to not to delay public school at least).

          I would do some ADD/ADHD screening b/c there can be reasons why a kid who is academically OK might be off socially. Not saying to medicate the child, but to understand the WHY behind the assessment.

      2. I think it is common but not universal. We have a son who will turn 5 two weeks after the cutoff next fall and we are sending him to K. All of his friends will move on from preschool next year and we think he will be very unhappy to be left behind. (This is something he brought up on his own almost a year ago.). His preschool teacher thinks he will do fine.

    16. In the end, you know your kid. If you think he’d do well in 1st grade, which can be very different from kindergarten, then you should let him move on. One school district I was in had a special kindergarten class for kids who *should* have progressed to 1st grade, but usually developmentally, they weren’t ready.

      Two stories:
      I was a cutoff baby, was always the youngest in my class, but was able to keep up academically and socially (for the most part).

      My brother was several months before cutoff, and my mom had concerns about him moving on to kindergarten when she felt he should be in preschool another year. She listened to his preschool teachers who were like “He’s ready! Send him to school!” He struggled until the 3rd grade, when we moved to another state, and he repeated 3rd grade in a brand-new school and ended up in a much better place academically and developmentally.

    17. I was young going into school plus I have a genius level IQ. I skipped a few grades and graduated highschool before I was even able to drive. Socially I did poorly (looking back it was at no fault my own, I was ‘different’ because I was so young). Now I’m probably the youngest person I know with a degree, I’m happily married and I’m a functional adult. So many of my peers (by age) are still finishing up school, can’t feed themselves nutritionally complete meals or do laundry. I think it worked out

      1. I was lucky enough to grow up with a boy with an equally high iq who skipped as many grades and he’s at NASA now. I just read an article about him which reminded me …

    18. I probably would listen to the recs of the teachers, they have seen these situations before and know what they are doing. My son was born in mid-November, well past the cutoff for public school. We felt he was really ready for kindergarten, though, so we started him at a local private, sort-of-Montessori school. The teachers there also recommended that he do two years of kindergarten (it was not referred to as being “held back”), which was not uncommon there. He did and it worked out fine. (At the same time, a girl almost exactly his age did move up and it turned out to be a mistake; she came back to the kindergarten mid-year and they graduated HS together. There was no stigma for her at all; I suspect that no one else remembers this but her parent and me, given the closeness of our kids and the similarity of their situations then. And the fact that her mom and I always secretly wanted her daughter and my son to get married someday.) He was one of the older kids in his HS class and excelled, academically and socially. It might have been different in a larger public school, where I suppose it’s possible there might have been some stigma, but for him it was a non-issue and in retrospect it certainly was the right call.

      1. Not a parent, but had a student who repeated 7th grade and while it was awkward at the time for him, he is now a successful artist and doing really well. He needed that extra year of middle school to mature. It’s probably easier to do in kindergarten than in middle school.

      2. I do remember thinking that one of the kids I knew in kindergarten who got held back at my public school was kind of stupid, but I don’t remember anyone tormenting him over it beyond a few kids asking him why he was in kindergarten and not first grade on the school bus. Kids forget about those kinds of things pretty quickly.

    19. My son did kindergarten twice. We planned to make it an easy transition if the need arose, he did one year of Montessori kindergarten and then the second at public school. He never noticed the difference and for us it was a very good choice, he is a Second Grader and loves life. He’s slightly older so “cool” in the eyes of Second Graders and academically strong, where if we would have sent him with his peers he would have been academically weak.

    20. Both of my sons’ situation was different, as we adopted them when they were 9 and 11 (right before Christmas last year). They switch from a bad public school to the much better public school in my neighborhood mid-year. They did well at their old school, and but had mediocre grades at the new school. They were going through some serious “culture shock,” which I really think impacted their focus and grades. The school recommended having them repeat the current grade each of them was in, although their grades were pretty much good enough to continue onward. My husband and I decided to hold them each back, and it was a good decision. They are excelling academically now and it does not seem that the other kids are mean to them about it. That was one of my main concerns.

    21. My kid wasn’t even being suggested to be held back, but everyone else did it so if you send your kid to school at the “right” age they end up being young. We ended up having him repeat first grade and I am SO GLAD we did. If I had thought to do it earlier, I would have. Especially with boys, who are slower to mature and develop. My husband was initially opposed but then I had him read the first chapter of Malcom Gladwell’s Outliers, which explained that the best Canadian youth hockey players were also the oldest, and the same was true of the best US math students. If you don’t want to read the whole book or even that whole first chapter, this book review sort of explains it too: http://nymag.com/arts/books/features/52014/index2.html.
      We haven’t had any regrets and even though my kid, now a teen, is on the older end of the spectrum of kids in his grade, he is still on the less mature side.

      1. As a tertiary/quaternary point, I did also think about how holding them back would have a positive impact on sports for my sons. They both really love sports, and take them VERY seriously and are exceptionally disciplined in training and practice. Both are very gifted in track and field, and my now 12-year-old is likely to be a star basketball player. I played D1 ball, and its a little early, but I feel like he may have a really good chance at an athletic scholarship to a good D1 school. He wants to play in the NBA, so we’ll see about that, but he is 12 years old and 6’3″ By holding him back, he’ll be better and taller at every year than he otherwise would have been.

        Before bad comments come in, the decision was based mostly on their education.

    22. Very late to this discussion, but please, please consider all the angles. The vast majority of research on retention shows that while there may be a few short-term benefits, over the long term those benefits wash out and the negative aspects start to pile up. I wish I was still at the office so I could include some good links, but if you google you should find somewhere to start.

      And don’t rely on teacher opinions. Retention is one of those things that seem to be obvious (if you can’t meet standards, you shouldn’t move up), but it’s much more nuanced than it seems, and few teachers in my 25 years in education have understood that.

    23. We were in the same situation as well. We opted to hold him back. He cried a couple of times, but had a good experience in the 2nd year of K. The teacher was really good with giving him tougher math and reading and he had the option to do stuff with the class which he always opted to do. He was also his teacher’s helper which he loved. Fast forward to this year in 1st grade, he’s still at least a grade ahead, but his teacher does a great job keeping him challenged and he loves helping his classmates. Also, we are at a small private school, 10 kids in the class so doubtful that his would have been able to be sustained in our Texas public school.

  11. Question about flying in first tri of pregnancy. Good idea to where compression stockings? Socks? Leggings (more workout style)? Any particular recommendations (preferable available on Zappos)? TIA

    1. Depends on how long the flight is and whether blood clots run in your family or you’re at other higher risk for blood clots (older, overweight are the two big ones). GENERALLY I’d say you’re fine not even worrying about it — but if it’s like a 7 hour flight I’d urge you to get up maybe once an hour and walk around the cabin. If you’re at higher risk and it’s a long flight I’d say get a pair of compression socks. No particular recs but Amazon and Zappos both have them.

      You may also want to get sea bands for your wrists — during one of my pregnancies I had horrible nausea on a flight (but not before or since thank goodness).

  12. Love the color of this t-shirt, but not the price! Lands End has great crew and scoop neck slightly fitted t-shirts that last. I have found that crew necks just do not work for me. This one looks a little too “crew” and not enough “scoop.” A scoop neck is much more flattering on me.

    I will be in Indianapolis for business during the middle of January. Probably not the best time to be visiting, but if anyone has any recommendations for museums, coffee shops, bookstores, oddities, etc., I would appreciate it. Also, any recs on where to stay? Assume we will end up in the ‘burbs somewhere, but I am open to other options.

    1. I dont know anything about Indianapolis, but I agree about the a scoop neck being very flattering. Do you have a link for your Lands end T-shirt? TIA

    2. I live a couple of hours from Indy and have visited maybe twice. I really enjoyed the Broad Ripple area – cute shops and galleries, fun restaurants (my ex is vegan, I’m veg and we especially liked Three Sisters, which is veg-friendly and very homey), and I think a music scene at night although I never checked it out. And the Indianapolis Museum of Art (not sure this is the exact name) has a very good reputation; a couple of times I’ve had flyers for shows there (inserts in my NYT, I think) and meant to go but never made it.

    3. Broad Ripple has lots of good restaurants and fun shops, but in the evening it’s a pretty young crowd. Mass Ave (downtown but not “downtown”) is great for a night of checking out neat shops, eating, and drinking. It’s a small downtown so if you stay down there, it’s pretty walkable, even in the winter (with a short cab/Uber to Mass Ave if it’s very cold). The Museum of Art is nice. We have lots of good micro breweries (check out Black Acre in Irvington if you have a car/cab). The suburbs are pretty chain-heavy, but Carmel has some nice local food and shopping, as does Zionsville. Let me know what you end up doing!

      1. Thanks for the info! Will be driving to Indy from upper midwest and am thinking about staying in Zionsville. Coming to do some buying for my BF’s business and will need spacious parking. We are late 40s-early 50s and nightlife isn’t tops on our list, but good food and coffee is! Is there an independent newpaper I could check out online for some more ideas?

        1. Broad Ripple is going to be VERY frat party, so I’d skip it for night live based on your description. Mass Ave, and the new area along the trial are a little more cultured with some great restaurants.

          Indianapolis Museum of Art, Eiteljorg (native american & western art) and if you are traveling with kids (sounds like no) the Indianapolis Children’s Museum is AWESOME.

          NUVO is the alternative newspaper in Indy that — at least 15-20 years ago — had a lot of the entertainment info.

        2. Zionsville is cute – they have great coffee at Bites by Confectioneiress. It’s a fantastic dessert bar.

          And yeah, Nuvo is probably your best bet for entertainment info. Feel free to post an email if you want to chat more!

          1. If you are still reading I can be reached at: leasethebmw at gmail. Much appreciated!

  13. So my mom has been pushing the essential oils bit for quite sometime. I finally set up the diffuser in my office and put some peppermint oil in it and I have been killing it this morning task wise. I thought it might be too strong but apparently it’s a good scent for this time of year. For Christmas, I am getting my mom a big box of “You were right” and in return I want a gift bag of “I told you so” and also more essential oils (man they aren’t cheap). I just looked up what peppermint is good for and it’s concentration and focus.

    1. I love my diffuser! I don’t think oils are magic, but I am totally in for the aromatherapy benefits (even if some of it is in my head).

      I also love peppermint like a lot.

    3. I love aromatherapy, and I’m a big believer in using peppermint to improve focus – and this is the best time of year for it!

    4. I greatly dislike any kind of smells in the office. Scents give me headaches. If you work from home then go you! But otherwise, I’m sure there are other people in the office that are annoyed that you are smelling things up. I would immediately think a co-worker has terrible judgment if they’re using essential oils in the office.

      1. Since Peppermint Patty says its in “her” office rather than “the” office, my guess is she has her own office, rather than a desk in an open office or shares an office with someone else. If someone has a room to themself, they can have it smell however they want, especially if they don’t hold meetings in there.

        And if someone is smelling up a shared space with a diffuser, lotion, perfume, spray, whatever it is, someone should talk to them about it. You can argue until you’re blue in the face that people should just know it’s rude, but some people don’t and some know it’s sometimes frowned upon, but figure if no one’s saying anything it must not be bothering anyone.

        1. Sorry but if you are burning things in your office, everyone on your floor is going to smell it. Says the manager who had to send home one staff member with a migraine, comfort another who couldn’t stop sneezing and deal with a rash of her own because a new manager on our floor lit an oil burner in ‘her’ office and my boss felt it would be rude to ask her to put it out. People try hard to manage fragrance allergies to personal care products quietly but to overwhelm a workspace with essential oils is inconsiderate.

      2. +1
        An office I worked with had a “no designated smells at the office policy” – so shampoo, deodorant, lotion, etc. were OK at home, but at the office, no personal air freshener, fragrant lotion, soaps, etc. Can’t imagine how this one would’ve gone over.

        It helped the woman with the migraines and the skin sensitivity a lot, so I didn’t mind.

  14. I’ve been at my biglaw firm for a few months, and my hours will start becoming much more important in 2016. Aside from the standard tools for tracking your hours, I’m wondering if there are any tips or tools for how to keep track of your goals for billables, to stay on track all year.

    1. Your time tracking software may have a feature where you can see your progress against target.

      I set up my own spreadsheet with 12 rows. In the first column, I typed in the number of hours I should have reached by the end of that month if I were on target to meet the requirement for the year (for me that was 2000 hours). So month 1 was 167, month 6 was 1000, and so on. Periodically I’d run my hours-to-date and fill in the next column with my actuals. It was a nice way to see how much of a “cushion” I had — like the year I was already up 100+ hours within the first three months, I felt zero guilt taking an extra vacation.

    2. Someone here sent me an amazing spreadsheet several years ago that I still use today. It’s not mine to pass on, but I believe she still comments here.

    3. I keep a running spreadsheet on google docs (so I can update from work) where I put in hours worked (broken down into billable vs. nonbillable–we have targets for both. I also have a column for vacation hours, though I’m pretty sure they don’t even track that for attorneys assuming you hit billables) that tallies up as it goes, with another column showing how many I should have to be on target.

    4. I inherited an awesome spreadsheet for this purpose — if you post an email address, I will send it on. (PS – I’m not the person Anonymous at 11:09 is referring to, but the person who gave me this spreadsheet encouraged me to share the love.)

      2. I’m interested if you’re willing to send to me.
        OCAssociate at the g mail.
        Thanks!

      3. I sent it to each of you — please post again if you didn’t receive it!

  15. Trying to distract myself from the sting of just losing a bid on a big project (one of the contractors who I’m close to suggested I go get a beer, but it’s not even 10am yet…) by planning Christmas meals. For Christmas Eve with my parents + family, we’re having this Spicy Shrimp from Pioneer Woman. Anyone have any suggestions for sides? French bread, obviously. But what else?

    2. cheesy grits/polenta
      also huge fan of sauted greens with shrimp (i.e. kale, spinach, collard)

    4. I’d just throw together a big salad. It’s not exactly fun, but shrimp, bread, and salad (plus maybe a dessert) sounds like a good meal to me!

  16. Can anyone recommend a company that makes beautiful barware? I want to buy some really luxe cocktail glasses, stirrers, etc. for a family member. Bonus points if it’s a company with a storefront so I can buy in person.

    I’m in Austin, in the event anyone knows of something local.

    1. Cocktail Kingdom. They are online only, but have the products you’re looking for. Williams Sonoma might have stuff in store.

    4. Check out the Austin Antique Mall on McCann Dr. They may have a vintage set, if that’s your scene.

  17. My nephew – who is super into sports. Not so much into reading, etc. I have no idea how to buy for this age!

    (cross posted on Moms s i t e )

    1. I used to work at a toy store, and the hoverdisk soccer balls were a BIG hit. Online reviews say they break, but I can say that the store version lasted just fine with hours of use a day.

    2. My son is 8.

      Legos
      Drone http://www.amazon.com/Syma-Explorers-6-Axis-Quadcopter-Camera/dp/B00MNG37C2/ref=sr_1_1?s=toys-and-games&ie=UTF8&qid=1450458145&sr=1-1&keywords=drone
      Anything Minecraft
      Rubiks cube
      They have a fun looking electrical set on Amazon today that I shouldn’t buy because I am DONE but I might…
      http://www.amazon.com/b/ref=lp_12079040011_gbps_img_s-3_0842_775a3943?rh=i%3Atoys-and-games%2Cn%3A12079040011&ie=UTF8&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&node=12079040011

    4. Anything “Minecraft” related. If he likes sports and you know he plays XBOX or Playstation a 2016 sports video game.

    5. These are great, than you ! I’ve done the jersey thing, but the drones are awesome!! Perfect. Many thanks as always for the ideas.

    6. Captain Underpants books (he may already have them, so you might want to check).
      Perplexus (while looking on Amazon I see they have a Star Wars one — fun!)
      Uno card game
      Jenga

  18. Dad has asked for my help buying jewelry for Mom. She usually only wears fashion jewelry but he wants to buy something nice. Budget is less than $500, any suggestions? Mom is 65 retired, Target-chic

    1. My mom is close to the same age and wants one of the Lagos bracelets like the one posted yesterday. David Yurman bracelets also usually go over well with everyone.

    2. This is what Etsy’s sort feature (which is generally terrible) is made for. Try to find someone in your hometown that Dad can communicate with easily and get her a custom piece – I’ve had really good luck that way.

      1. This is a great idea. Real gold earrings or bracelet to replace the fashion version.

    5. Check out Julie Vos – I like the style a lot, it’s along the lines of Anna Beck, but a little more unique.

    1. A Kong stuffed with peanut butter/ treats. A Kong “antler” lasts long too. I also have always given my puppies rawhides

      1. Be careful with rawhides! Be sure to throw them away when they to a swallowable size. My husband had to dislodge a rawhide from our now 7 year old dog’s throat when she was a puppy by putting his hand down her throat. We took her to vet to make sure her throat wasn’t injured (it wasn’t). But the vet said to never give raw hides…they can get stuck in the throat or sometimes they have to do emergency surgery because they can get stuck in the stomach. Better to steer clear entirely.

      2. For some reason, he is totally unenticed by the PB-stuffed Kong! I have never met a dog that didn’t love PB…

        1. That is crazy! We buy these things called “nudges” they are chicken jerkey strips Made in the USA you can buy huge bags at Walmart/ Wegmans for 10 bucks. My dogs go crazy for them! Literally our perfectly behaved puppy has jumped on the counter twice and knocked over the treat jar and binged. Maybe stuff a treat like that in the Kong? I normally throw my dogs a bone- pun intended- and put small and big pieces in there so they have instant gratification and also a harder time. I have a six month old puppy now- I feel your pain on the chewing!

          1. Awesome – I’ll try those and see if it gets him more interested in the kong!

    4. when our dog was a puppy he had a strong preference for soft things and also didn’t like chewing on the Kong for long. His favorites have been the kong stuffed animals (much cheaper at amazon than at pet store) and the tuffy toys.

    5. My puppy _just_ lost her last teeth two weeks ago. Bully sticks from Costco were our saving grace. They do not splinter like rawhide and kept my lil lady occupied for hours and hours. She took four months to finish a pack of $20 that was about $25. Yes, the are bull p_n_s, dried, but put that out of your mind because your dog will be entertained and busy and will stop chewing you.

      Cosign the nylabone dinosaur. Other nylabone products get horrid reviews and my puppy was able to splinter the consumable ones in seconds…very dangerous.

      The GoGoPets dinasours are great too.

      Also recommend PupBox.

      Hope you’re enjoying your dog! I love my lil lady and she is so well loved by all of my friends too. A real light in my life!

    6. +1 to tuffys. my pup was only interested in kongs when filled with peanut butter, and she would eat the PB super fast. We also just discovered “goDog” with “chew guard technology” – now my dogs will chew through ANYTHING, so this came with a 30 day guarantee that if the dog got through it, they would send us a new one, so we tried it. It’s been about 2 months and is still in tact so I recommend!!!

    7. We got our dog a basketball and underinflated it a bit. It provided months of gnawing/biting entertainment.

    8. When my dog was young he LOVED the Busy Buddy Biscuit Block. You put little treats in the openings and he can chew to his heart’s content.

  20. Anyone ever bought anything from StyleWe? Their ads keep popping up and they have some eye-catching styles but suspiciously low prices. Worried that I’d get what I pay for…

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