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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Le Marais Wrap Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. A reader just reminded me of The Fold London, and this Marais Wrap Jacket looks stunning — I love that it has a casual, loose feel to it (almost like a jardigan!) while still looking polished and put-together. Fabulous. It's $325 at The Fold and comes in sizes 6–16 — and note that it's also available in black. Le Marais Wrap Jacket Two more affordable options are at Amazon and Bloomingdale's; and for plus sizes, Target and Lord & Taylor. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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438 Comments

  1. My moisturizer has SPF 15, and my foundation has the same. Do I really need another sunscreen? I work in an office and am not outside much at all. I get it if I’m going to be outside and it’s sunny. But for days when I drive to work and it’s dark, and leave work and the sun is setting, do I really need more SPF? TIA!

    1. Nah, that should be enough. I’m also rarely outside during the winter, and I just use a moisturizer with SPF like you do. I might add more on the weekends when I know I’ll be out more, but otherwise that should be fine.

    2. It’s the best thing to prevent aging, so why not do a little better? There are so many great spf 30 moisturizers on the market. Try CeraVe am spf 30.

    3. I thought the distinction between SPF #s was the length of time they provide protection, not so much the level of protection? Or maybe that’s the case for any SPF over like 30. SPF 15 is really low; I wouldn’t add another sunscreen but I’d look into bumping up what you’re already using.

      1. No, it’s the level. The length of time for effectiveness is the same for basically any sunscreen, regardless of SPF.

          1. From your link: “SPF 15 blocks 93 percent of UVB rays. SPF 30 blocks 97 percent. The increase in protection is even more gradual after that, 98 percent for SPF 50 and 99 percent for SPF 100.”

            Also: “Regardless of which SPF you use, apply it 15 to 30 minutes before going outside to allow it to adhere to skin, then reapply at least every 2 hours—more often if you’re swimming or sweating excessively.” https://www.consumerreports.org/cro/magazine/2015/05/how-much-sunscreen-to-apply/index.htm

        2. +1

          They all have to be reapplied after about 2 hours in full sun. SPF is how much protection you get.

          1. SPF multiples the time you can stay in the sun without getting burned. For example, SPF of 10 means you can stay in the sun ten times longer than you could if you wore no sunscreen. If you can normally spend five minutes in the sun without adverse changes, SPF 10 means you can stay out 50 minutes.

            Higher SPF generally does not mean a whole lot because you sweat/rub/wash sunscreen off. That’s why you should reapply every two hours, regardless of whether you’re wearing SPF 10 or SPF 50. People with the super-high SPFs often get burned MORE than lower SPFs because they erroneously think that higher SPF= all day sun protection.

            If you’re putting on facial moisturizer once in the morning and that’s it, with low sun exposure, it really doesn’t matter if its 15 or 30 because it’ll mostly be worn 0ff by lunch anyway.

          2. I’m skeptical. Wouldn’t I notice if I sweat, rubbed, or washed off my SPF foundation? I figure if my rosacea is still concealed, the zinc and titanium dioxide are still there. Maybe it’s different for sunscreen, and certainly it’s different for outdoor activities, but I really don’t wash or rub my face during the day.

    5. I think you’re fine as long as you up it on those days when you spend more time in the sun. You do what I do, I’m mid 40s and unwrinkled so far. I think the big damage comes from laying out when you’re young and not from most of your time indoors later on in life. Could it do damage? Sure. But not enough for me to be worried about. And I loathe sunscreen – it blocks up my pores and feels gross after a long day – so I’m not willing to trade that for a little increased protection. YMMV.

      1. Yes, this is also my approach (and one that two different derms have been fine with). I’m 36. For normal days, I use a 15 in the morning and that’s it.

      2. Yes, this – just up your SPF on days you’re in the sun.

        Most days during the winter, I drive to and from work while it’s still dark. If I walk outside, it’s going literally across the street from my office to grab a bite or some coffee. I’m willing to chance it with my SPF 20 or whatever for a max of 10 mins outside exposure. YMMV. I’m 30s and zero wrinkles.

      3. If you are mid-30s or 40s and unwrinkled, how much do you weigh? I think that makes a difference. If you are not “chunky” or overweight, I think it is kinda hard to be unwrinkled at those ages. Let’s not make people feel bad. Keep it real.

        1. Um, this is rude and I can’t believe I’m bothering to reply. I’m neither chunky or overweight (not that there would be anything wrong with that). I happen to have good genes, I stayed out of the sun growing up, and I also do Botox, which I’ve been quite open about on here. It’s the genes/Botox combo that is likely responsible for my unwrinkled state and it ain’t got anything to do with sunscreen.

    6. Not enough unfortunately, you would need a massive amount of foundation to get any SPF benefit from it, and 15 is not high enough anyway. Check out R/AsianBeauty. They have lots of great recommendations for skincare-like sunscreens that are great with makeup.

      1. +1, I’m 27 and everyday wear Cerave AM lotion SPF 30 AND a THICK layer of Biore Watery Essence SPF 50 PA++++ that covers my face, ears, and neck completely.

    7. Not to jack your thread – but I’m seeing a lot of advice here to reapply after 2 hours. How do I reapply to my face if I already have makeup on?

      1. I just got Supergoop makeup setting spray with SPF 50. The nozzle sucks, but I like the product itself. I’m sticking with my Urban Decay setting spray first thing in the morning, and applying the Supergoop when I’m reapplying during the day.

      2. There are some great powder SPFs. Sephora, or I’ll post a link to my Amazon fave. (Not fancy, doesn’t hold up well in your bag forever, but when I travel to FL on business I put it in a ziploc and it’s perfect.)

    8. My Vitamin D and bone density scan levels were low. I raised them, on advice from my PCP, by taking supplements because I could not do it by diet alone. (I am lactose intolerant and mostly vegetarian.) I was also advised to try to spend about 10 minutes every day outdoors, in the non-summer months, with some skin (arms/legs) exposed. I live in the NE of the US. In the summer and when I travel (particularly in the mountains) I use SPF 30, wear sunglasses that protect me from both UVA and UVB, and wear sunhats or sit in shade when appropriate . My Vitamin D levels improved somewhat, and I do not develop a tan.

  2. I’ve plenty of free time but still can’t be bothered to self care. You know like shave my legs, get regular hair cuts, pedis, etc. Guess I’ve never let my confidence be tied to my physical self which i thought is a great thing but now is beginning to feel like a fault. I don’t even work out anymore. I’m very happy though, so definitely not depression. Is this age? Is this just coz I’ve been married too long? Advice please!

    1. I definitely ebb and flow when it comes to that stuff. I had been awesome. But with this perpetual winter, I can’t work up the motivation to do anything but the bare minimum. I have super dry basically gray hair (at 35) so feel strongly about regular hair care. I also itch pretty badly if I don’t shave regularly (but considering an epilator to cut down on regular time spent on hair removal), so that gets done. Other than that, it’s a crapshoot. But I wouldn’t say I’ve got plenty of free time. Those things and washing my make up off at night (if I’ve actually worn any) are my minimums. And I definitely only wash my hair twice per week.

      1. Since you are married, my guess is that you don’t care and neither does your husband about your appearance, and I would also guess that he may also be going to pot. If so, fine for both of you; but if I were you, I would spiff up, particularly if your husband is in half way decent shape and has access to other females. Sooner or later he will be taken at the office by some cute younger woman who does take care of herself, and if you still remain a mess, it will be too late and you could well find yourself on the dung heap, having been tossed aside for a younger, cuter woman who does take care of herself and makes your husband look and feel like a winner, rather than an unkempt slob with a beer gut.

    2. I don’t do those things you mentioned because they make me more appealing to someone else – I do them because they make ME feel better. It’s just a bonus in my mind that my husband likes them, too!

      1. Exactly, pedis, baths and haircuts are how I enjoy spending my free time. I’m sure my husband could care less about my pedicures. However, that hour of silence with a glass of prosecco is my definition of self care.

    3. If this doesn’t bother you I don’t see how it’s a problem. This would drive me personally insane, but I’m often annoyed at how much time and money I spend on personal maintenance, but when I drop something from my routine I dislike it. If stopping didn’t bother me, I would totally stop.

    4. No one is under any sort of obligation to look a certain way. Is your health and hygiene good? Do you smell OK? Is your skin reasonably healthy – not rash-y or uncomfortably dry? If you don’t exercise are you getting enough activity otherwise? Then I think you’re good! People Who Want to Sell You Things have conflated health and beauty for women, when they are usually two separate things. The beauty stuff is a use of time, energy, and money that some people would like to spend elsewhere, and that’s OK. Technically, the health stuff is optional too, but neglecting it will probably have consequences that are pretty uncomfortable.

      2. +1

        “Self-care” doesn’t have to mean anything specific. It’s whatever makes you feel mentally refreshed, in my opinion. Pedicures not required.

      3. Women with teeth as white as paper, who have their nails done, and their lips pumped don’t necessarily look prettier than natural women. If you are pretty, you are pretty. If you age well, you age well. Older women jumping through extraordinary hoops to look good don’t really impress men. In fact, they often look repulsie. You will never live up to a younger version, and trying to makes you look silly.

          1. No, but all of this hot mom/grooming talk and seeing 30-something YouTubers made me think of it.

        2. I think this is our resident male t r0ll who thinks he’s exceedingly sneaky and clever, all evidence to the contrary.

          1. No, it isn’t. But I see women who don’t care about makeup, clothes, or weight and they are smiling and living life and they look gorgeous due to genetics and just being happy. Then I see women who are excessively groomed and thin and think they look like hell. I see their husbands flirting with 25 year olds. Look at Jenna Dewan. It’s just a losing battle to spend all of your money on this crap that just doesn’t make you look better or prettier. It just makes some women who don’t do all of that feel insecure. Because the women that do tend to have some sort of club that they create to build their own sense of worth.

          2. referencing Jenna Dewan definitely makes you seem more like a troll…

        3. Why? Does she look like the average 37 year old to you? Have you seen her YT channel? Do you think that the stuff she does makes her any prettier? Her husband less likely to be interested in others?

          Women who are overweight and “average” just seem to be so much happier in every way. The grooming and the thinness just isn’t valued as much as people try to make you think.

        4. I see the most overweight, slovenly couples and they laugh and look happy and happy with eachother and I just have to think if you have a pretty face and a nice attitude that’s all you need. There is no lotion or potion to get that.

    5. Well…I look at working out as part of a healthy lifestyle (living longer, less healthcare problems, being able to do things I want to do in the future). So I don’t think it’s a vanity thing. At bare minimum I would take care of haircuts and basic skincare just to look professional at work. Shaving is up to you…as long as hairy legs doesn’t affect your gardening frequency and you’re comfortable with them, it’s a personal choice. In terms of pedis…also up to you. They aren’t a necessity!

      I understand what you mean that your confidence isn’t tied to your appearance, but in US society there are some basic grooming standards that are expected of adults. And even if you feel confident, I would think about how other people treat you based on your appearance (sadly the bias is strongest in the workplace). In general when I’m more put together I command a bit more respect at work, and even notice the difference ordering a coffee or shopping in a store.

      1. FYI, if not shaving your legs reduces your gardening frequency, you need a new partner, not to shave.

          2. That’s cool. You’re ok kissing your boyfriend with a moustache and beard down to his chest?

        2. YEP! I hate shaving my legs, so I do it as infrequently as possible. None of my partners in my 30s have cared (or noticed for that matter). My rule is if you don’t like it the way I like it, you don’t get to touch it.

    6. I think these are kind of different. Shave your legs never! I get haircuts every nine months! But you gotta figure out some sort of physical activity for health. Go for walks a few times a week even?

      Are you making time for other things you like? Hobbies, books, day trips?

    7. Self care means different things to different people. Do you have time to relax? Do you have something that you do just because you like it, not because it serves some purpose?

      And working out can take a lot of forms too. You don’t have to go to a gym. Take a long walk, play with your kids outside, volunteer with Habitat or a Food Bank or accepting donations at Goodwill or any other physically intensive role.

    8. Be careful equating societal beauty standards that are unfairly imposed on women as “self-care.” Giving up shaving and mani-pedis is NBD and probably better for your self-esteem and wallet in the long run, but some kind of physical activity is important, especially as you age.

    9. The only thing I suggest is to go back to working out for the long term benefits.

  3. I’ve been eyeing The Fold. Does anyone know how it runs? For reference Hobbs and Jaeger fit me.

    1. I have been eyeing them too but their shipping to the US is ridiculously pricey- $25 per order and you have to pay for returns too.

    2. I bought a dress from the Fold–the Arlington–and sized up two sizes. I’m a 6 in U.S. sizes and a 10 fit perfectly. I like the dress and would buy from the Fold again. Shipping is high but they have fairly frequent sales if you get on their list.

  5. I just finished Drop the Ball which I found quite helpful and wondered are there certain areas you drop the ball in? Certain societal / parenting things that you refuse to buy into?

    1. Apropos of Curious’s post above, I don’t do a lot of things that some people consider to be necessary grooming, like mani/pedis, dying my hair, putting on more than minimal make-up, or styling my hair in something other than a low ponytail. I have very little free time, and I just don’t want to spend it on those activities, which I find very tedious.

    2. I don’t consider it dropping the ball, but I’m happy to say no to any event/invitation I’m not enthused about. I don’t understand the fear some people have of saying no.

    3. I don’t do brunch. I hate it. It’s aggressively unhealthy, day drinking doesn’t work for me, it takes up the whole middle of the day. Nope. I am so happy now that I just say no to brunch.

      1. Ha! I’m the opposite. I don’t do dinner. I’m tired, don’t drink much, getting to and from town is a pain, and I’d rather be in my PJs.

        1. This.

          But we tend to brunch at the vegan place in town and not drink so it usually leaves me excited for afternoon of shopping or yoga. Post 30 I can’t handle meat or booze at brunch – it’s a write off day if that happens.

          1. Same. I can’t do dinner because I am not fun to be around. I do brunch every week (either at home or outside) and am the liveliest ever but I only drink earl grey and orange juice so no hangover regrets. I actually never realized that people have champagne or other mixes at brunch till I moved to Europe.

      2. YES THIS. I’ve started to resent brunch invitations (and maybe also the way I’m expected to squeal about doing brunch! and put it on insta). I do not enjoy paying exorbitant prices for eggs, it takes up the whole middle of the day, if I have even just a little alcohol I feel lazy and useless for the rest of the afternoon. I will do dinner every day. I need to eat dinner anyways, and the timing is efficient.

        I also don’t do mani/pedis. I’ve had one of each in my life – when a friend dragged me. It was fine, but not something I want to spend $100/month on and take the time to do. Just not for me. People look at me like I have two heads when I tell them.

      3. Ha! I just-say-no to day drinking 95% of the time too. I just don’t enjoy it. Never have.

      4. I disliked brunch before I realized that it could be substituted for lunch. So now I just schedule brunches for noon or 1 pm and treat it as lunch. We all have to eat lunch anyways.

      5. What is it about brunch that makes restaurants bring out the unhealthiest menu possible? Like, burger with fried egg, scrapple, and cheese sauce? Or breakfast pizza – when did that become a thing? Can I just get scrambled eggs and toast?

        1. It’s hard to justify $15-20 a plate for toast and scrambled eggs. Breakfast pizza is just as cheap to make, or nearly, and feels like a novelty that people are willing to pay for. FWIW, I don’t mind overpaying for breakfast food at brunch because people tend to linger so I view it as part of the cost of renting my table. What I can’t stand is how much brunch has become a ‘thing.’ Like I am not making reservations for a late Sunday breakfast and I am also not willing to wait an hour to be seated. The whole beauty of brunch is that it’s low key and easy, when it’s not that, then what’s even the point?

      6. Brunch is my favorite….

        I love breakfast food (that I never cook/eat at home….) and ?don’t drink alcohol at brunch. I love it because I can also afford it, and enjoy seeing my friends in a well lit, less noisy room where we can see and hear each other. It is also easier to get friends who have families/kids together for a brunch than for dinner.

        I love brunch…..

    4. I’ve started saying no to happy hours and invitations to go out at night. I’ve reached the age (29) where going out to a restaurant with seven other people, shouting over the music to hear each other, watching others text on their phones the whole time, and then arguing over the bill has lost its appeal in favor of staying in with takeout, my husband, my cat, and a movie. The latter is so much more pleasurable to me that it’s never a contest. I attempt to make active days plan of the type I really enjoy (meeting to rock climb, going on a ski day, etc.), which ends up giving me more than enough really quality social time.

    5. I “drop the ball” in ever so many ways. I just say no to ridiculous requests from day care (no, I am not running all over town to find an infant-safe stuffed bear by tomorrow for your bear-themed activity–the dog she already has will do just fine), and to everything PTA. I quit volunteering to be team mom. I do not do social media. I do not host birthday parties at my house. Last year we started a new tradition of going on vacation over Christmas instead of driving ourselves nuts with a tree and a big celebration. We gave up trying to grow grass in the parts of our yard where it just does not want to grow and are about to put in flagstones and moss instead. I quit running, which I hate, and now take fun exercise classes instead. I do not go to class reunions of any type or give money to any of my alma maters. I got a pixie cut because I was sick of blow-drying my hair straight every day. I no longer wear dress pants or suits, sheath dresses only. I could go on…

      2. This is the best version of you do you and I do me, to the benefit of our mental health. I applaud.

      3. Hear, hear.

        This year I went so far as to tell The Kid’s teacher and the room parents that we are the parents to contact when they need a check written, not when they need ten boxes each of mini-marshmallows and toothpicks by Thursday or someone to be at school from 9:45 to 10:15 a.m. to help supervise the jump rope fundraiser. If they really need in person help, my ILs have to be in town to do it.

        All kids outside of our BFFs get the same birthday gifts, ordered en masse from the RiverPrime when possible, and placed in identical gift bags.

        We are 100% in agreement on birthday parties outside the house and business entertaining at restaurants/sporting events. If we go to someone’s house, we volunteer to bring wine (which we have on hand all the time) or dessert from the divine bakery in town.

        Laundry other than delicates can be retrieved from hampers once clean. Anyone who feels strongly about it being folded is welcome to fold; otherwise it will get done when I have a movie or show that I want to watch in peace.

        Also, I have decided to limit the war against clutter to one front. I live with one adult human and one small human who both rarely pick up unless directed. The formal dining room is the designated drop-off area; if it stays in the dining room, then let it go. Three times a year we have all hands on deck picking up and pitching as necessary, but that’s it. Any guest who is appalled by that strategy is welcome to not visit. As Erma Bobeck said, “If the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?”

    6. I’m just starting this book and cannot wait to get into it.

      I’ve realized that I’m just so over trying to put on a performance, especially where parenting is concerned. For example, I’ve scaled way back on the amount of ridiculous daycare requests we get, especially this time of year. They want us to do 3 things for teacher appreciation week. I chose ONE (scrapbook page designed by kiddo), then donated to the teacher appreciation fund.

      I’m done with house projects for the foreseeable future, even though I actually really love decorating and dreaming up ideas for our home. My limited time and energy are better spent right now. Maintenance only.

      I have a pixie cut. Styling hair is something I’m terrible at and don’t enjoy, so I’m taking the path of least resistance.

    7. Ha! I finished this book a few weeks ago and recommended it both here below and on the Moms s!te today. DH and I have been working on our MEL and it is really making a difference in the way our household runs.

      I don’t clean the house beyond straightening up and I don’t schedule house cleaners – that is DH’s job and I just don’t mind the mess until he gets it done. I also don’t find babysitters – we signed up for a local service and I just tell them when and where. DH is now researching delivery laundry services and I am planning our spontaneous trip to the beach go-bag for us and the kids!

    8. Cleaning the house, other than the bare minimum. This means toilets and countertops when they’re VISIBLY gross.

      And ensuring my kid looks presentable. She’s 8 and picks out her own outfits and does her own hair, mostly. I only interfere when she wants to wear a tank top and bike shorts in 40 degree weather.

  6. I’m about to start a new job where you have to accrue vacation days. My family has planned a vacation for my dad’s 60th bday, which will be about one month after I start, in Europe. For the timing to work, I would need to take 2.5 days off from the new job in order to join the fam for a few days (they would be there longer). It would mean a lot to my parents if I was able to go just for a little while, but I am just starting this job and am worried about how it would look if I were to take vacation too soon (and also would have to use yet-to-be accrued vacation). I’m supposed to sign the contract with HR soon, and was contemplating if it’s worth asking HR/new boss if this is possible. What do you think?

    1. Have you already accepted the job? I would tell them that you already have a pre-planned trip that you must attend, and you are willing to use unpaid time off if necessary. I think this happens a lot.

      2. +1 I have done this at all three of the jobs I have taken in my career and it has never been an issue. I think I have taken 4 days off before, so don’t rule out asking for a couple more days if you want to.

        1. Don’t think twice about this. People understand family obligations. I bet they advance you the days off.

      4. +1 I did this in the job I have now, the manager was totally fine with it and the company let me borrow against the vacation accruals. Being in vacation “debt” wasn’t fun, but so worth it!

    2. I would ask. Say you have a planned event from X date to X date prior from interviewing and you need to take them off. Ask how they can accommodate you. I may even ask for 3 days instead of 2.5 – 2.5 sounds very specific and fussy.

    4. I had a 13-day trip scheduled for a week after my start date at my current position, and discussed it at the same time as benefits, and asked for unpaid leave for that time (we also accrue). No one batted an eye – this is totally normal.

    5. Yup, started my current job after informing my employer that I could start on the urgent date they required… but had an international honeymoon planned two weeks later. If they give you a hard time, probably a work-life balance red flag.

    6. You really need to bring this up before you start! And you probably should have brought it up when they extended the offer. But do it sooner rather than later!!!

  7. Anyone have motivation tips? I just had one of the craziest weeks I’ve ever had at my job, followed by a couple of very slow days. Things are more or less back to normal, but I’m finding it hard to get anything done without the time crunch stress. Any advice/commiseration is appreciated!

    (Also I’m not a lawyer, so I realize my crazy week is probably normal to some of you Big Law ladies and holy sh*t, I have so much respect for you.)

    1. Can you work on admin stuff? Expenses, emails, filing, wrapping up the old projects? Were there any pain points during the crazy week and is there anything you can do to make future weeks easier?

      1. +1. Once you get rolling on the small stuff, you can snowball it into larger tasks.

      1. +1 I rarely understand why people feel the need to fill slow time at work if there’s nothing obvious to do.

        1. It’s more that there is stuff to do, just not on a tight deadline, as opposed to the “everything needed to be done yesterday” fires I had been putting on. I have plenty of billable work, but I’m having trouble making myself do it.

          1. Oh. In that case, I give myself deadlines and hope that I’ll have the discipline to stick to it :) Good luck!

  8. I’m looking for a tailor to do some basic alterations such as taking in the waists of pencil skirts and shortening blazer sleeves. Any recommendations in either South Loop or Hyde Park?

    2. This is… not what you asked for but I’m so happy I have to recommend her to everyone- Colleen at Seams on the North side is an amazing dressmaker. She’s done a few major and minor alterations for me and she’s just lovely, her work is professional, and she has amazing logistics/tech resources.

    3. Not Southside but I’ve been very happy with Alva Tailor Shop in Ukranian Village

    4. Used to live in Hyde Park, used to love Rainbow Cleaners for this, but their new owners aren’t as good. I now go to Nadia at Fit ‘N Stitches in Wicker Park.

  9. This year, seasonal allergies are taking a toll on me in a way that they never have before. We’re talking waking up with swollen and puffy eyes, constant post-nasal drip, mental fog, and itchy rashes across my legs. I have an appointment with an allergist, but I can’t get in for over a month! In the meantime: do you have any recommendations for how to manage allergy symptoms, prevent reactions, and stay productive even when you’re not feeling well?

    1. Commiseration. I’m feeling it too.
      Do you take an over the counter allergy medication? Allegra works really well for me. I also use Benadryl for a couple of days (in lieu of Allegra) if the allergies are particularly bad, and it seems to get better after that.

      1. And take it on the regular. Like every day. When I was having allergy issues, I’d have one thing for when symptoms presented (Sudafed or Flonase) and then I’d start taking Claritin on the regular. Claritin didn’t help stop symptoms already in progress, but would help them from starting up.

    2. I feel like my nose hasn’t stopped running for weeks. Alavert helps a little without making me fall asleep at my desk.

      1. I take prescription Clarinex. It causes drowsiness, so I take it at night. It’s a miracle medicine, for me at least. I got it from my PCP.

    3. See your regular doc in the meantime – mine gave me rx for extra strength allergy meds and a nasal spray.

    4. Zyrtec/Allegra/Claritin every morning. Saline nasal spray as often as you want. A steroid nasal spray once a day for a few days. My SO has been using Nasacort the last week or so with good results. Unscented lotion for your legs. Some sort of soothing oatmeal body wash/bath might also help. Limit time outside. Benadryl if you’re really having trouble – makes me soooo sleepy, makes others super hyper.

      1. +1 to these. Also, change your air filters in your house and put allergy covers on your pillows and mattress. When my seasonal allergies are acting up my dust mite allergy also seems more acute.

        Choose one of the antihistamines and try it for 5-7 days, and if it doesn’t work, switch. Zyrtec does nothing for me, while Allegra is magical. Others have the opposite experience.

    5. Shower before bed. Switch up your pillowcases more often. Change clothes when you get home. Close the windows in the house (I know the warmer, fresh air is nice, but it’s letting in all the stuff). Change the air filter in the furnace.

    7. No great suggestions, but empathy. I feel like my bloodstream is 80% sudafed this time of year. My allergist recommended a netipot to help clear out the physical stuff that gets in your nose and although I resisted forever, it does help.

    8. I couldn’t make it through allergy season without Flonase in the morning (not every day, since it’s a steroid – just when the symptoms are unbearable), and Advil Allergy and Sinus at night – it makes me drowsy, but nothing helps the sinus pain like it.

      1. Good news! Flonase actually works best when used every day (and it doesn’t get in the blood stream, so you don’t need to worry about it being a steroid). Just don’t use Afrin daily :)

    9. i have terrible allergies and am constantly on zyrtec or allegra. i actually bit t ebullet and bought a very expensive air purifier for my bedroom that i think has definitely improved my sleep quality. molekule. its ridiculously expensive (like 800) but i was really desperate this year and had a hard time sleeping through the night and just couldnt work during the day so i just did it, and i think it has helped a lot. also, i shower daily (including washing my hair) to get rid of the pollen im bringing in and use an eye scrub because my eyes are always itchy and red from the pollen.

      1. YES to a really good air purifier – they work!

        I didn’t get the 800 one but the one recommended by the Wirecutter (I think 200 on AM Z) and it is SO.MUCH.BETTER. than what I had before from local target. I actually wake up without crud in my eyes now. Even DH who doesn’t get allergies and thinks it’s all in my head leaves the windows open in the house or complains about how we have to have stale air has gotten used to the ambient noise and likes it sleep now!

      2. I have a germ guardian one, and a conway one, both under $200, that have done WONDERS for my allergies, to the point where I’m considering buying one for my office because my allergies are SO much better at home than work or anywhere else.

    10. When my allergies are about to start, I take Flonase and Allegra. In theory, Flonase alone should do the job, but it takes some time to build up in the system (as it is a corticoid) so for the first 1 week I add Allegra. Afer the first week, I keep using inly Flonase a d add Allegra only in case my allergies are extra tough. It usually takes care of nasal and eye symptoms, so I do not take anything extra for eyes (I use hydrating drops like Systane Ultra from time to time).
      I also wash my hair every day (I either run, swim or lift every day,so it is a necessity), which – if pollen is your trigger – is something I would recommend. And I shower in the morning and in the evening (this is how I was brought up). A lot of pollen is trapped on your clothing and hair, so changing clothes after you get home and washing hair more often can help.
      I vacuum clean more often and keep my air purifier on non-stop mode. And I change pillow cases every two days.

    11. PSA…..do not use Sudafed/decongestants more than 3 days in a row, but use Flonase/nasal steroid spray daily/regularly! If you use decongestants too much, you get rebound congestion and need systemic steroids to clear…no bueno (also, if you’re just having nasal symptoms, use Afrin/oxymetazoline spray rather than Sudafed to avoid the high blood pressure caused by systemic decongestants…3 days on, 3 days off). But nasal steroid sprays work BEST when used EVERY day (don’t worry about the scary steroid word; it doesn’t get in your bloodstream so doesn’t cause the same nasty effects as systemic steroids).

      Sinus rinses are great…the NeilMed squeeze bottle works even better than NetiPot.

      Astelin/azelastine nasal spray actually helps both nasal and eye symptoms.

      Allegra/Claritin/Zyrtec daily.

      That’s my best wisdom after working for an ENT/allergist :)

      1. Sudafed can also dry out your eyes (yes, even worse than the allergies themselves). I got in trouble with my ophthalmologist for this when I went to see her for blurry vision. Now I take either Allegra or Claritin.

    12. Nasal irrigation, like Netipot or the generic equivalent. Doing it is miserable and feels like drowning, but it works.

    13. Zicam nasal spray or swabs. I know there are mixed reviews on the safety of this product (some people have reported impaired sense of smell..) but it was a miracle for me- better than all the prescription & over the counter things I had tried. It’s homeopathic and I like that I don’t have whole body type side effects like drowsiness etc. I’ve moved and haven’t needed to treat my allergies in 2 or 3 years but if it’s still on the market it’s worth trying. Twice a day, I had improvement in 2-3 days and was able to stop taking everything else.

  10. I’m off on vacation to Germany soon, and am wondering if there are good Germany-only clothing stores I should check out while I’m there? Looking for mostly workwear but also “nice” casual wear, and prefer things that are mid to high price point…kind of like Ann Taylor equivalent and above? TIA!

    1. Esprit is a European brand (at least I’ve never seen it here) with some nice workwear. You will find Mango, Zara and all these chains in German Malls, too. Hessnatur has come out with some unique designs lately. They produce organic, fair trade fashion, but they used to be very granola for a long time.

      1. Oh I miss esprit! Does anyone remember having an esprit oversized sweatshirt or tote bag in the late 80s? It was all the rage in my small Midwest town.

          1. Same! They were such a Big Deal. My first experience with high end handbags. At least they sure seemed high end to my 7th grade self. :)

        2. My all time favorite shirt from high school was a turquoise long sleeved shirt with Esprit across the front in purple!

        3. I have fond memories of a short navy Esprit skirt that had a white stripe just above the hem and words that read “A curious sailor boy appeared, and took me by the hand, and led me only goodness knows where” from circa 1988. Worn with a torn neck white T with rolled sleeves and white Nine West ballet flats.

          Clearly, pre-feminist awakening.

        4. Pink cropped pants from Esprit circa 1982, bought in a college town in California. Wore the hell out of them.

      2. I don’t know if it’s the same Esprit rebranded, but it was the.thing,to.have when I was in junior high- it was a SF company started by a couple and it was everywhere. Going to their outlet was the stuff of dreams. Now I’m curious about this European version….

        1. Yes! I remember them too in high school! Quick google tells me that it is the same brand, but I guess they discontinued in the Americas? Esprit and the Delia’s catalog…sigh…

    2. Vero Moda is german I think? Love their stuff. Sizing is small but that’s true for most european brands which don’t vanity size like the north american ones.

    4. I just left living in Germany and I absolutely loved the selection at Peek & Cloppenburg. It is a nice, high end department store with a great selection of Esprit, Gerry Weber (great German line) and a Danish line called Marie Lund that I bought huge amounts of. ML doesn’t style to my taste in their marketing but they have fab basics with good lines and well cut suits. P&C often has fantastic sales. http://www.peek-cloppenburg.com/en/web-en

    5. If you are US-based, check even local offer of Zara/Mango/Massimo Dutti/Bennetton. Most of the time, we have different ranges/collections for Europe and the US.
      Some mainstream German brands – Falke for hosiery, Schiesser for underwear, Esprit, S.Oliver, Vero Moda and Orsay for clothing, Salamander for shoes. And then there are loads of small independent designers with their own brand stores across the cities – I would recommend to check them!

    6. I wear a lot of German brands that I buy in the Uk. I LOVE Robel trousers, I wear Olsen and Betty Barclay tops to work and I lots of Barbara Lebek jackets. None of it is expensive, but it fits me well, wears like steel and is a bit better quality than a lot of the crap on the high street.

  11. Weight loss motivation? I’m trying to sensibly turn over a new leaf and maybe eat some chicken and vegetables every now and again instead of constant junk. Would love a good blog to binge read to help stay focused!

    1. It’s not a blog, but I just got the cookbook Six Seasons. It picks the five or six vegetables that are most in season in spring, early/mid/late summer, fall, and winter, and then has a couple of recipes for each of the vegetables. The recipes are pretty straightforward, because the goal is to showcase the flavors of the ingredients, but then you also end up with a meal that’s mostly vegetables. Add some chicken or fish and you’re good to go. So far I’ve only cooked from Winter, but the recipes were really good!

    2. What about perusing Reddit? r/loseit is a great resource and is updated by users daily. I find it super motivating.

      1. I read a book called Salt, Sugar, Fat by Michael Moss. It is NOT a diet book, but a book about how foods are processed and marketed to make us crave more, etc. It was more motivating than any stupid diet book I have ever read, and I have read many. Something about understanding how I was being manipulated made me want to fight back – by buying and eating mostly whole foods.

        3. Ha, I agree that it’s a really interesting book, but it had the opposite effect on me. More like, “Damn right these cheetos are delicious – they are highly engineered to be delicious perfection!”

    3. I don’t have any blogs or reading to recommend, but what makes me eat better is having stuff prepared that I can throw together easily that I know I will want to eat when I come home tired from the gym. Sometimes that means romaine lettuce with strawberries, feta, chicken, and a splash of balsamic. Right now, I’m trying to get back to my veggie bowls – tomato, avocado, chicken, blanched asparagus, some fresh corn, a sprinkle of feta and a splash of balsamic. I have them all cooked or prepared and just throw it together.

    4. I prep bags of cut veggies and fruit on Sunday for M/T and on Tues for W-F. No dip, just lots of celery, cucumber, peppers and a few mini tomato and carrots for flavor. Helps me reach for that instead of something bad when the 4 o’clock craving hits.

    5. In the vein of “not a diet book”, you might try “The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business” by Charles Duhigg. He starts with the example of going for a cookie every afternoon (and gaining 10 lbs) and then figuring out what he was really after – which was a short social break to chat with people. Has relevance to exercising, eating, and other habits you would want to encourage or discourage to support your goals.

    6. For exactly this purpose, I found the 100 Days of Real Food blog really enjoyable and inspiring. Many recipes that I now cook regularly came from there, for both breakfast and dinner. I read the then-current stuff first and went back and started from the very beginning.

  12. In BigLaw, when a person comes back from maternity leave, are they presumptively at 100%? And is that realistic? And if that isn’t realistic, what is the advice for pre-empting or attempting to deal with problems?

    I’ve just been assigned a mentee (after someone left) who is on maternity leave (first child) and is planning on coming back.

    We’re supposed to check in in a few weeks and I have no helpful advice. Many people quit within a year of having a child (or right after they have their second, so they are in a perpetual ramp up / ramp down process and I think just throw in the towel b/c things never get off to a good start). Female partners have SAH spouses or lot of paid help that may not be feasible for an associate budget (so 12+ hours of care/day). Associate’s group is fairly flexible for work-at-home in the evening (although is that realistic with an infant?).

    IDK whether our setup is realistic (24 weeks of 100% leave; then 100% back on. maybe in an ideal world, it would be 12 weeks 100% leave, 24 weeks of 50% as ramp-up, then 100% on). It’s too late to change, but I get the feeling like we set people up for failure, to look at nothing beyond retention rates.

    1. What is your role here? As a mentor, I’d think it’s to support her goals. So ask her what she’s looking to do this year professionally and help her do that.

      If she’s back full time then she’s back at 100%. The big challenge is often getting fully staffed and reintegrated so id keep an eye out for ways to help with that.

    2. People are presumptively at 100% at my firm, and I would be really bothered if it were otherwise. I think we should allow women to make their own decisions about 100% vs. reduced hours, rather than assuming what the choice will be.

    3. A big issue that I see is that parents just miss a lot of time (like you have to pick up your kids from daycare at 5 or 6 and drop them in the mornings or let the nanny go home) and BigLaw is just awful with people having to leave their desk in time for that.

      Even if you do only 50% of the pickups / drop offs, that’s still more than BigLaw expects / deals with well.

      1. What big law parent chooses a day care with a 5 pm pick up? Again, what is your role here?

        1. I think she’s saying that daycares don’t have a pickup time of 5, but to nail a pickup window of 6, you have to be out the door significantly prior to that if you are in any city with driving traffic.

          BigLaw, SEUS here and my city has daycares with pickups at 6 (usually) and 6:30 (a place further out, so you’d probably need to leave by 5:30 to be safe).

          Fines are $1/minute per kid and after an hour they call Social Services that you didn’t pick up your kid. It’s not like doggie daycare where they can board overnight if you don’t show up (or call 5 minutes before to let pooch stay overnight).

          1. Excuse me no one suggested that you leave children at day care overnight. Save it.

    4. Unless she has said otherwise, I think you have to assume her goal is 100%. But during her first months back after her first baby, that really might be a “goal” more than reality as she settles into her new working mom life.

      1. this! You wouldn’t believe how often I have heard my friends who are young mothers (never the dads) say that they intend to go back to work full time, but even before going on leave their bosses would doubt their intentions. Then after coming back to work, they would get less challenging assignments and be taken less seriously, all without them signaling any decrease in their commitment. It might even be the boss trying to make it easier on the young mom, but it feels like your workplace is freezing you out. It sets them up for failure.
        Listen to what your mentee says, please don’t make assumptions. That’s the best you can do. Even if you have seen other moms before who would eventually stay at home: the generalization is unfair towards your mentee plus in many cases the environment makes this a self-fulfilling prophecy.

    5. Are you a partner or someone who can otherwise help this mentee? If you’re willing to go to bat for her, I’d ask her what her planned schedule/childcare arrangements are, and work with her to help protect them. For my first 4 months back, I worked 85% and really made a point to always relocate by 6:30-ish so I could nurse and put baby down. Or maybe she’ll get evening help three nights a week and then work super late on Tuesdays and Thursdays. There are lots of permutations but help her figure out one and protect it.

      Working from home with an infant was actually not challenging when mine was younger because he would be out by 7:30. Took all of my attention from 6:30-7:30 but then I could bang everything out. I think in the first few months back, the real struggle was sleep deprivation because most 3-6 month olds don’t sleep through the night. I did a lot of working from 7-11 PM, then would fall asleep and get woken up from 1-2 and/or 3-4. I’m not sure how I got through those months, but I’m glad people gave me a chance at the office.

      1. In our city, daycares typically close by 6 and are at least a half-hour car drive from our office. I don’t think that most partners (guys who don’t deal with this stuff) know that.

          1. What crazy place do you live in that it isn’t this way? I never heard of a day care that was open past 6:00.

          2. Where are you living that they have daycares open past 6pm? Most babies/small kids go to bed between 7-8:00pm. And they need to eat supper as well. Most in my city close at 5:30pm. My daycare is located at my work and if I’m later than 5:20pm, they are the last kids there.

          4. Just because a service is available in NYC doesn’t mean it’s available everywhere. Most cities don’t cater to high earning professionals to the extent that NYC does.

          5. Just because a service is available in NYC doesn’t mean it’s available everywhere. Most cities don’t cater to high earning professionals to the extent that NYC does.

          6. I’m in a suburb of DC. Our place is open until 6:30 (and the ones we used before that were 5:30) but if we are there past 5:30, he’s the last kid left in the class. Which is fine some days, but the idea that most daycares are open until 7 may be NYC-specific.

          7. Chicago – city and suburbs – 6:30 is relatively rare. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a 7 pm pickup deadline. And since most daycares are not in the Loop/city center, a 6 pm pickup usually means leaving office at 5:15, travel for 20-40 mins to get to daycare in order to meet a 6 pm deadline.

        2. Pickup isn’t just a biglaw problem. Not a lot of professionals can reliably leave the office by 5:30 anymore; it seems like lots of industries are pushing for people to stay until at least 6. People just have to figure out something else. Either they have retired parents nearby or they hire a nanny.

          1. This. All of my friends who have kids and where both spouses work have daycare pick up anxiety and problems! None are BigLaw.

      2. Yeah. Are you in any position to actually help your mentee (i.e., a partner who can go to bat for her) or are you just a slightly more senior peer?

        FWIW, when I was in biglaw I remember overhearing a partner complain (in a performance evaluation!) about a senior associate who had to go home at 6-ish and relieve the nanny, and would come back online at around 8-ish after her kid was in bed. I remember thinking that it was horrible of him – he had a stay at home spouse who probably handled all of that for him when his kids were small. If you can find a way for her to carve out that time and actually protect it and not have it counted against her at review time, that would probably go a long way towards keeping women in biglaw.

        1. I’m the slightly senior person suddenly tasked with this.

          And by “this,” I mean having the feeling that I’m about to watch the re-arranging of the deck chairs on the Titanic. The return from maternity leave seems to be where BigLaw careers die.

          1. …the fact that you, a woman who is not much more senior than New Mom, default to the view that the return from maternity leave is the place where BigLaw careers die is absolutely part of the problem.

          2. +1 to Anon at 11:26.

            And it doesn’t sound like you are trying to help her succeed. It sounds like you want to help her out the door.

          3. I think that the system is setting her up for failure:

            — expectation of 100%
            — w/o getting everyone onboard with seat time issues
            — esp. when first-time parents often don’t know how this will go

            I am probably missing a million other things.

            I don’t want her to fail. She’s a hard worker and a nice person. I feel like she’s being set up to fail.

          4. Have you mentored others before? How would you mentor her if she didn’t have kids?

          5. I think, gently, that you’re overthinking this a bit. The system is not easy. She may quit. Or, she may not. But I think going into this mentor/mentee relationship, you have to assume that she’s back 100%.

            TBH, I’m not sure what advice a mentor could have given me that would have truly prepared me for returning to work after having a kid. It’s hard, even without the pressures of biglaw. Perhaps you can consider talking to the female partners who have kids and asking them about stuff they wish they had known when they returned to work after having had a kid. They weren’t always partners, and I imagine not all of them waited until they made partner to have a kid. Of course a more junior associate probably cannot afford 12+ hours of childcare or a SAH spouse (nor would they necessarily want those things), but even generic things like, “I wish somebody had told me that I’d feel like I was failing on every possible front” can be reassuring when you’re in the trenches of new parenting + working. (And, for that matter, ask senior associates/junior partners who have just had kids! They might have good advice on navigating office stuff.)

          6. Gently, gently, I say:

            — first trimester back is rough even if you do zero pickups / drop offs / getting home so the nanny can leave

            — rebalancing with a child is a perpetual thing every 3 months or so for at least the first two years; starting school is a big transition, as are summer camps (etc.) for the first summer that children are in regular school

            — we lose so many good attorneys b/c this is truly the hill that careers die on (primarily b/c BigLaw is populated by people who do not have primary caregiving responsibilities; it is like living in the 1950s)

            — business development, etc. is not where the game is won or lost at this juncture; if you can survive this, by all means, bring it on; but surviving this is the equivalent of having one shot at passing the bar exam and it amazes me that firms don’t speak to this (beyond announcing a leave policy) both to supervisors and to attorneys taking leave; as an industry, we are pretty awful

          7. I can commiserate with being tasked with mentoring someone with a major life circumstance that you have a hard time relating to. Kudos to you for asking for advice. I hope you take your mentee seriously and advocate for her needs as she communicates to you. She is still the employee she was, she just has also taken on another role outside of work.

            As mother of two in a non-law “Big Job”, I would suggest that you point her toward “I Know How She Does It” by Laura Vanderkam and “Drop the Ball” by Tiffany Dufu. These empowering reads (or listens – I highly recommend an Audible account for anyone with a commute or challenges to reading a physical book) are excellent for any mother, but especially one with a Big Job and big responsibilities at home.

            Good luck to you and to her!

          8. +1,000,000 to Anon in NYC

            especially ‘“I wish somebody had told me that I’d feel like I was failing on every possible front” ‘

          9. I’m baffled that despite the facts that 1) you haven’t even ASKED HER what she wants to do, and 2) you are repeatedly being told that lots of women DO NOT want or need to ramp down and get frozen out by the assumptions, you’re STILL assuming.
            You don’t know if she has a parents nearby, you don’t know what her spouse’s job may be offering him, you don’t know if she’s already hired a part time nanny for the evenings, you don’t know anything because you haven’t asked.

            Honestly it feels like you’re trying to figure out how to hasten her out the door for some weird personal reason. It’s very odd.

    6. I think you should find her another mentor, preferably someone who is more senior than you are and has a broader perspective on these issues.

      1. I tend to agree with this. the fact that you’re asking these questions shows you’re not well-positioned to help her and can’t really relate.

        fwiw, I agree that if she’s back full-time she’s presumed to be back at 100%. Realistically, it takes a month or two to both get back into the swing of work (she’s probably still not sleeping anything close to a full night) AND to get a full workload back. it is very, very difficult, and I expect most moms mask how much of a challenge it is.

        those first 6 months back are really hard and I encourage all moms returning back to work not to make big career decisions (like leaving) in that window. to the extent it’s true, emphasize that having one lower-billable year is not make or break for her career if she’s built up goodwill before mat leave.

      2. HAHAHA

        B/c female biglaw partners with working spouses and kids actually exist with enough time to guide a first-time mom back from maternity leave and share all of their logistical secrets (that don’t involve having a SAH husband or lots of local family help or a FT nanny and a PT night nanny).

        NOT. Not in a million years.

        The best mentor here is a father of girls who are in law school or med school who will soon be quaking in his boots at the lives his daughters will actually have the horror of living in a few years. B/c otherwise change is never, ever, ever going to happen.

        1. The mentor doesn’t have to be a successful woman with kids, just somebody who has seen the issues and can offer some advice for dealing with them. Also someone who is capable of seeing the employee as a lawyer with potential, not just a distracted mommy who is bound to fail.

    7. I understand you’re coming from a place of concern, so let me offer an alternative view. Let’s say everyone assumes that New Mom doesn’t want to really be back at 100%. A new case comes in, it’s in New Mom’s specialty, but it’s expedited, it’s going to require travel, and the partner in charge thinks… well let me cut New Mom a break, I’ll get Bob to cover this case instead. The case eventually resolves and Bob does a great job. The next case comes in a year later, same practice area, but now Bob’s the go-to person instead of New Mom. So New Mom gets sidelined while Bob gets more and more experience.

      This kind of thing already happens when you’re out on mat leave. That’s unavoidable. But don’t second guess someone coming back at 100%. Don’t deprive new moms of opportunities that you’d give their colleagues because you think you know what’s best for them.

      2. Yes this is my point. As a mentor, what is your role? I bet it’s to help her succede not deal with her day care issues. Talk business development. Introduce her to people she needs to know.

      3. ALL The +1. This is actually a thing. People think they are being nice to working mothers but actually hindering their careers. ASK her what her goals are, don’t assume. If she wants to come back at 50%, she’ll tell you. If she wants to go crazy and be 100%, she’ll tell you if you ask. I repeatedly told my boss that I was not going to back off work before/after maternity leave because I needed something I wanted to come back to (a la Lean In). I knew if my work wasn’t interesting I would be highly motivated to quit my job and spend all my time with the baby.

        1. One of the most enlightening conversations I ever had about this issue in fact was with my husband when our LO was about a year old. He was slating for a prestigious non-profit BOD in town and the name of a new mom came up as a potential for secretary. He was telling me this and in the same breath said – but I told them we should maybe consider her next year, as I’m sure she doesn’t have the time and that’s a lot to ask of someone. I lost it on him and told him that if she was the most qualified, it should be hers to decline. He literally never thought of it like that. He really thought, especially having a new LO himself, that he was doing her a favor. I think this idea is just something that cannot be discussed enough — let the new mom be the one who decides what she can do/wants to do – not the Firm, not her mentor.

    8. I came back from two maternity leaves in BigLaw. The first time I came back, I was staffed 95% on one case as the primary associate, with a few odds and ends thrown in. I could self-juggle priorities and had visibility into what was coming down the pipe. I billed 2300 hours that year. It was hard but fine.

      The second time I came back from maternity leave, we were really busy. I was immediately staffed at 50-100% time on 8 cases. There was absolutely no way I could get it all done, but the partners kept telling me that my “hours were low” so I had to have room for their matter. Sure, it was day 3 back in the office and I’d been on leave. My hours were at zero for the prior months, but that didn’t mean that I could be full time on so many cases. I’d been scheduled at about 600% capacity. I was set up to fail. I spoke to our group head and he just shrugged and told me to figure it out. The kicker was that one of the cases was staffed out of California and the lead partner kept calling impromptu meetings at 5:30 PM for non-emergency discussions. Four other members of the team and I all had daycare pickup, but he didn’t care. I took several of these stupid calls with my infant and 2 yo strapped in their carseats screaming their heads off while I stood in the parking lot for 45 minutes, struggling to hear over traffic noise and screaming. I lasted two weeks before giving notice.

      I never asked for special treatment–I had proven that I could work hard and do good work with a kid–I just needed some professional courtesy.

    9. When you call to check-in, ask her how she is doing and what her plans are. Then listen — really listen — to her response. Ask how you can help her and follow through. Tell her you will check-in after two weeks back in the office, and ask her the same questions.

      Please don’t presume you know her answers to these questions. Each woman, and each mom, is different. We have different goals, motivations and plans. Sometimes motherhood changes those plans, and sometimes it doesn’t. Ask and listen. And direct her to the moms’ version of this s!te, where we can and will give all the logistical help and advice that we can.

    10. I am a new mom back at work at BigLaw after maternity leave full time. Some things that help me (about which you could consider asking questions as her answers may be different). 1) I negotiated a work from home one day a week arrangement, which allows me to see my baby an extra day a week even though she is actually being cared for by her SAHD. May not work for everyone, but it does for me. 2) I don’t stay late to do work that could easily be done from home after the baby goes to bed. 3) I keep meetings scheduled after 5PM on a very tight agenda and do my best to “refocus” the group quickly when it devolves into tangents so that I can reliably leave by 7 or 8. 4) I arrive at work around 10ish so that I can spend the morning feeding and playing with my daughter who is a later sleeper. She should consider whether there is flexibility around her schedule or whether she needs that (may not be an issue with daycares which all start so, so early) 5) I am much, much more engaged, and feeling like I have purpose, when I have hard, interesting stuff to do at work. I don’t miss my daughter when I’m busy. 6) Suggest an apple watch type wearable so that she can check email less obtrusively when at home with the baby, particularly for things that may not immediately need tending until after bedtime. 7) Recognize that she is tired. So, so tired. I have not slept a consecutive 7 hours in nearly a year with my unsleeptrainable child. So, don’t ask me if I am tired or if my child is sleeping. I am and she is not.

    11. Take some time and find your firm’s parental leave policy and read it. At my firm there is a ramp up time when you get back from maternity leave– you only have 50% hours expectation the month you get back, then many people choose to do 80% hours for a few months after that. We have a good number of female senior associates who have done just that. What we run into with this schedule is not that people don’t give us good work, but that it is hard to hold down the 80% time line because you end up being in high demand when you return from leave.

    12. She may be putting in 100% hours but she may need time to be at 100% during those hours. She will be out of sorts for a little while, as we all are when there is a major change in our life. So, be gentle if she is not “on” all the time.

    13. Ask A Manager has a good post today about not imposing your expectations on how to mother on an employee. She may want to be back 100%. Check it out.

    14. Not a lawyer – what do people mean when they say “staffed at 50-100% time” or “staffed at 95%?”

      1. We have yearly hours expectations of X at my firm. If you’re 50% for a month you just reduce your yearly hours target by one half of one month’s hours.

    15. I think you assume that she is working 100% and she should be paid at 100%, but the firm shouldn’t expect her to bill 100% of her hours immediately, with no ramp up speed. When I was on the committee that evaluated associate performance, we always took into account that there would be a ramp-up period after leave (and a ramp down period before leave) and we didn’t penalize the associate if she didn’t meet 100% of her hours during the year in which the leave was taken. I think that was a good plan. It was tougher if she was up for partner in the next year or two because we had to evaluate whether she was going above and beyond in a year when she really couldn’t, but we took that into account, too.

    16. Ask her what she wants – is it helpful or hard to be asked about the baby? Does she want to ease in slowly or ramp up right away? Are you in a position to help her get staffed on fewer cases or ones in more compatible time zones? And follow her lead to support her goals.

  13. Posted this late yesterday and was encouraged to repost today.

    Any other admin assistants here? Due to a variety of reasons (mainly that I was unemployed for 6 months due to a layoff) I took an admin/receptionist role last year as a way to have an income. I’ve been in the position for about 8 months and while I’m doing well in the job, I’m, to be frank, extremely bored and not getting the intellectual challenge I need in a job. I’ve been applying to positions over the past 8 months that are more in line with what I want to do, but none of them have panned out. I’m getting a little paranoid and anxious that the longer I stay in this role, the harder it will be to transition to anything outside of admin. I’m worried I’ve basically cut off my career before it really had a chance to get started (I’m 28, so been in the workforce ~5 years) and will only be able to do admin work from now on, with no chance or potential to earn more than $30k or use my actual college degree. I feel extremely stuck and hopeless. I feel like such a huge failure and so stupid because I’ve had such terrible luck in the job market and I’m not getting any younger or more marketable the longer I keep working in this role.

    Can anyone advise or give any suggestions? Internal advancement isn’t an option, due to the company structure.

    1. What we’re you doing before? Just from reading this, if you really can’t move internally, I’d consider going to a start up or really small company as an admin if that’s all you’re getting bites on and moving up there. It can be easier in a smaller organization to do multiple roles than at a larger, more established place. You might also want to revisit your resume and find a way to organize it to highlight what you were doing before this job.

      1. +1 I know quite a few people who started as admins for execs at smallish start-ups and were able to rise through the ranks to pretty senior roles rather quickly once they showed they were smart and hard-working.

    2. There are several directions you could go. I have a paralegal certificate and I earn way more than 30K a year. If this interests you, try to find an ABA approved program; there is a list on the ABA website. (American Bar Association.) There are certificate programs for all kinds of things HR, accounting, PR, etc. What do you want to do? Figure that out and then go step by step. You’re very young; I got my certificate at 36, and it did far more for my career prospects than my liberal arts BA.

      1. By the way, I was in a paralegal certificate program for nearly a year while working full time as a legal secretary. The classes were twice a week in the evening, and every Saturday. The receptionist at my current job is now doing the same thing, although in a different program than the one I attended.

    3. Also, given the length of time you have been in the workforce and your age, please don’t mentally relegate yourself to being a forever admin after less than a year (not that that will stop you from moving to a different position, but it is mentally draining and depressing). Many people start moving up from the admin role after that many years around your age, so your other experience is a leg up.

      1. This. I am ten years older than you and have been up and down. I do second the advice to get further certification or education as a career-switcher. Get experience at places volunteering, even. Run an event. Join a professional association for what you want to do – since you have down time at work, I presume, can you go to lunch and learns or networking events?

        Right now I am doing FT work and PT work on the side – editing, etc. I hope to get back to my dream job that ended 4Q2016. But hey, it’s better than most of 2017, when I was unemployed.

        There’s a lot you can do, even if I haven’t exactly been right in your situation — I’ve been there. Trust me. It will get better.

  14. I’ve noticed that “self care” now encompasses everything from therapy to drawing a bath to buying $80 serums. It’s confusing. I agree that we all need to take care of ourselves. And in the last few years, as the national discourse has gotten uglier and polarization seems more intense, it makes sense to carve out a healthy retreat. I’m guessing that these conditions paved the way to the burgeoning industry.

    But expensive serums aren’t new. And neither is therapy and taking baths. What I’m finding weird is that these things are increasingly grouped together under the huge umbrella of “self care” when they seem to address very different needs.

    Example: I LOVE the new podcast Forever35. They cover all this stuff, and listening to them is a highlight of my week. But lumping pricey skincare in with meditation, therapy, journaling, exercising, feels wrong to me for reasons I can’t quite explain.

    Not sure what I’m getting at, exactly, but this has been in on my mind a lot lately and I’m betting the smart women on this s I t e can help me articulate it.

    1. Yeah it’s complete nonsense. It’s just marketing. Self care originally referred to the essential need for people in care giver professions to also take care of themselves to avoid burnout, and it had nothing to do with buying a lush bath bomb.

      3. This, also, the term used to be used in activism/social justice circles to describe taking care to mitigate the toll that such work takes on a person before it was snagged by women’s mags. The message is simple and crucial: usually, advocacy work focuses on doing work on behalf of others– it’s important to make sure that you, as an activist, are watching out for your own well-being, for your own sake and to continue to let you do your work. Therefore, don’t think of eating right, sleeping well, protecting your emotional health, taking a break, etc. as frivolous indulgence.

        The term has been incorporated into mainstream usage to basically be totally devoid of this context and basically mean everything from actually taking care of your physical body and mental health to pampering yourself in a sage bath, and also basic hygiene or grooming tips. It makes me cringe. Someone nailed it upthread: let’s not blindly accept the beauty industry’s recommendations to buy their products as “self-care.” They realized that “buy it so a man will like your face” is falling a bit out of fashion, now it’s “buy it as a part of your Doctor/Therapist/Meditation leader approved self-care regimen.” Gives it an air of legitimacy it shouldn’t have.

    2. I know what you mean. I’ve also been bothered by the trend that suggests that every problem can be dealt with by self-care and that it’s okay to neglect others in your life in favor of constant, over-the-top self-care. If I followed some of the advice I’ve read on this topic, I’d never lift a finger for anyone else or stop navel-gazing long enough to realize my problems aren’t that bad/are fixable/don’t require me to panic about my daily obligations. There’s a middle ground, but I’m not sure where it went.

      1. Agreed. Don’t want to socialize or help people? Don’t. But it’s not self care.

    3. I think self care is different for different people, but basically means taking time to make sure your needs are being addressed (whatever those needs are). Some people feel cared for when they are taking care of their actual body, which could involve pricey skincare, eating well, or working out regularly. If you really enjoy listening to that podcast, that is what self-care is for you. If you aren’t into fancy skincare, that wouldn’t be self-care for you, though, even thought it may be for someone else. I really like cooking and baking, and consider making time to do those self-care, whereas a lot of other people view those tasks as a chore.

    4. I’ve been thinking about this too. The self care = expensive products message is doubly insulting to women because cosmetics and skin care don’t legally have to go through any approval or testing process, so we have no idea what works or even what’s safe. Virtually all marketing in the beauty industry is bs.

      Recently I went over aspects of my own self-care that are not s3xy, and it helped me conceptualize it. Examples: saving aggressively for retirement. Keeping my home clean. Using and refilling my migraine medication even though it’s expensive. Using my at-home massage tools (foam roller and massage hook) when I’m achy. Getting plenty of sleep. Not wasting time on flaky acquaintances. I do also do some more typical feminine grooming stuff, but I try to recognize that for what it is.

    5. I feel like ‘self care’ is the beauty industry’s new marketing campaign; ‘self care’ now includes buying expensive products, spending my free time on services such as mani/pedi/eyebrow threading whose primary purpose is to look more beautiful or groomed, and other non-essential spending. It also is literally another item on the To Do list for women, in the sense that self care is now another obligation.

      This is why I dislike the term – it feels forced onto me as a set of obligations of what I should be doing h with my free time and money. I end up ignoring most of it, like the poster above, and doing the things that make me happy – being outdoors, spending time with friends, and traveling. Just don’t look at my toenails because they aren’t painted and I don’t care.

    6. I first became familiar with the term “self-care” in the context of people with chronic, debilitating mental and physical health conditions – the idea being that self-care was all the things you did to try to help yourself function as best you can. Thus, to my mind, self-care is a means to an end. It’s the things you need to do to position yourself to perform the best you can in the substantive areas of life like work, family, social, community, etc. Somehow (marketing), self-care has become a hobby or a lifestyle for some people, and I find it really strange. personally, I hate self-care! I don’t even like taking showers! I find it really boring to take care of myself, but I do it because I need to in order to do the things I care about.

    7. FWIW, I agree that expensive serums are not necessary and are often conflated with self-care but there is something about this ritual at the end of the evening, putting on multiple layers of skin care that feels like a soothing and relaxing ritual that is self care.

      I think the definition of self care for me is things you don’t necessarily want to do but ultimately makes you feel better. It groups together a wide range of activities because people feel cared for and soothed by different things.

      1. I like this perspective. To sum it up, “True self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from.” Brianna West, Thought Catalog

    8. Yeah, I laugh at this stuff too.

      I belong to a caregiver support group, which is incredibly diverse (age/socioeconomics/race etc…) that is held at a big city hospital. Most folks are poor to middle income, and most are struggling to keep the bills paid and care for their loved ones. Caregiving + health issues is crazy expensive.

      The list of self care activities that they teach us mostly include things that don’t cost any money. None. The concept of self care in this setting evolved because so many caregivers are older women caring for aging relatives and spouses. It is common in this setting to neglect your own health and become severely depressed and we all know people who died before their disabled family member after neglecting themselves. Just so sad.

    10. Interesting. I’ve also been loving the Forever35 podcast and I actually like the spin on skin care as a form of self care. Mind you I’m not spending $80 on a serum, or any dollars on a serum. But I’m using an exfoliator for the first time and I bought a slight upgrade from my normal drug store facewash (glossier’s milky jelly cleanser which smells amazing). IDK, YMMV but I enjoy the feeling of putting it on and feeling like I’m taking good care of myself. It relaxes me.

    11. I find it helpful to contrast self-care with self-comfort. The former is harder but gives me joy and strength for the long haul.

    12. Self-care to me used to mean that caregivers needed to put on their own oxygen masks first. But now I think self-care is trending almost as a substitute for care-for-and-from-others. Each of us is expected to be a self-sufficient individual adult who takes care of our own needs in ways that ideally involve hiring a professional or purchasing a commercial product, and the burden of any unhappiness caused by real problems with our society is put back on our individual shoulders.

      I was just reading about hospitals promoting self-care to doctors and staff. This is after requiring doctors to work leaner and faster, see more patients each hour, and spend unpaid time managing patient records with shoddy software, while the staff pick up the pace and try to keep anything from falling through the cracks. But if an employee going through these changes is anything less than chipper, the conclusion is that she needs more self-care.

      2. Yes, the corporate environment I work in makes it sound like it’s the employee’s fault if they’re not sufficiently resilient to cheerfully cope with incessantly increasing demands with fewer resources. Like we’re not meditating enough or something, and my stress has nothing to do with my workload. It’s really put me off mindfulness and self care labels, tbh, though I like the original ideas .

      3. Such a good point! Blaming the individual rather than taking the whole system into account. Love this. Happens so much in the US.

      5. Yeah, it’s like “therapy will make you feel better about your terrible life” instead of “wow, your life is terrible and something needs to be done to fix that.” It makes the problem your reactions, instead of what you’re reacting to.

    13. I think part of this is people getting confused by social media and lifestyle blogs monetizing content. It conflates fun and money. Plus everyone thinks they’re a beauty guru these days.

      1. So true! I love blogs and youtube videos about beauty and lifestyle, but I wish there were more that weren’t constantly sponsored and promoting products we don’t need. It’s sad. It’s like every corner of our society has to be monetized.

    14. “self care” is the new “treat yo’ self” or “retail therapy” – it’s an excuse to splurge, but mostly on skincare not designer shoes

  15. I’m co-hosting a bachelorette party this summer at a lake cabin. It’s going to be fairly low-key (VERY rural area), so I’m looking for some good game ideas that are actually fun and not just annoying. The bride doesn’t want strippers and won’t want to wear anything overly revealing, even as a joke, but should otherwise be game for anything. Would love to hear about any and all games, drinks, and activities that you recommend.

    1. This setting seems to lend itself to women opening up and having deep conversations, which is awesome. Maybe as an icebreaker you can do a “Have you ever…” type of game.

    2. Do something outdoorsy like hiking or whitewater rafting or tubing, then watch “Father of the Bride.”

      1. So funny you recommended that movie – it’s an all-time favorite of both the bride-to-be and her sister :) We’re already planning some lake time in the afternoon and a hike the next day for whoever is not too hungover. Whitewater rafting would be amazingly fun and possible in that area, but it’s a little too expensive.

        1. What about renting stand up paddleboards? You can take turns cruising the lake on a couple, and outdoor outfitters nearby should have some to rent.

    4. If you’re the right age, go on ebay and buy some of those old teen girl sleepover games like Girl Talk.

    5. Cards Against Humanity? It’s a card game that revels in letting your inner demon out. If you’ve ever played Apples to Apples or Dixit it’s similar, but you have to go in with a willingness to make jokes involving sex and race.

    6. Can you bring some board games? It doesn’t all have to be bachelorette-themed, does it? I like Code Names, Cards Against Humanity, Apples to Applies, Catchphrase, and Lost Cities.

    7. My favourite is the underwear game – everyone brings a pair of undies for the bride and she has to guess who gave each pair. It’s really fun with a big group of different personalities.

    8. This party sounds amazing, btw. The last bachelorette party I went to ended up costing like $2k in travel and all the ish that the bride’s sister planned, so I’d absolutely love to be invited to something low key like what you’re planning.

      You asked for drink recs, so I’d do a mimosa bar one morning – bubbles with OJ, grapefruit juice, pomegranate juice, and fresh fruits to garnish.

      Do you have space to bring in a yoga teacher for a group class? I’ve seen that done for reasonably cheap, and it’s kinda fun to play silly music and do yoga with a mimosa in hand (or is that just me?).

    9. Check out Cads Against Humanity. It’s a printable version of Cards Against Humanity that is wedding-themed.

  16. So here’s a vague vicarious shopping question but I’m really striking out. For the past two years I bought jersey flowy tees from the Merona line at Target (I think they were called the “swingy tee” if you want to see). They were “expensive” for Target – $18! But they lasted, not kidding, maybe 100 wears before getting holes. I loved them. Target discontinued Merona and the new line sold a similar shirt briefly, but it pilled immediately. They aren’t even selling them anymore, so the fact that they pill fast is irrelevant. Anyway – does anyone have a source for flowy long tees for someone with a long torso? Doesn’t have to be full tunic length but at least longer torsoed?

    1. Do you have Altar’d States? They have these really long flowy tees, a nice weight and length, in many colors. I will try posting the address in another comment because I fear moderation.

    2. Check out the Altar’d State Fest Tunic. Afraid to post a link because moderation.

    3. I think Old Navy might have some like this right now. I’m trying to remember what they’re called . . . “luxe tees” maybe? The quality probably isn’t as high as your original find, though.

      1. + 1 I put on yoga pants and an Old Navy Luxe tee after work most days of the week.

    4. I’m tall and I live in Madewell “whisper cotton” tees. They’re a lighter slub cotton, so wouldn’t fit the bill if you want something heavier weight, but I don’t find them to be too sheer except in white. They used to get holes where the tag was sewn in but have switched to printing the tag information on the shirt itself and now I have a few that have lasted forever. They’re usually $20-25, but are always on sale, sometimes as low as $10 (it doesn’t look like they have many online, but they always have stacks in store). I also have a couple of tees from the Gap that have held up well over time – I think mine are the ones labeled “vintage” but their “new” tees look nice as well and a bit more substantial if that’s your preference.

    5. Try Uniqlo’s crewneck drape sleeve. Their colors are weird this year but last year’s were lovely.

  17. Looking for recommendations for a long weekend to Miami in June. Just the husband and myself and neither of us has ever been. All that’s on the docket now is a Marlins game and eating our faces off. Particularly excited about getting some A+ Haitian and Cuban food, as well as at least one day at the beach. Any suggestions for an Airbnb neighborhood, can’t miss food, opinions on whether we should rent a car? Guide us, O wise commenters!

    1. I had a quick trip to Miami recently and had a great dinner at Wynnwood Kitchen and Bar. Wynnwood is a cool neighborhood with lots of murals and art, and after dinner we walked around all the murals. They have an open exhibit with a bunch of random items from the Taj Mahal casino (a bazillion dollar chandelier hanging at eye level, an elephant sculpture on a white piano, etc) that was cool to wander around. I just Ubered rather than rented a car… I didn’t want to deal with parking. I do highly recommend Wynnwood Kitchen!

      1. There are a lot of craft breweries in Wynwood within easy walking distance from each other. Wouldn’t recommend renting a car, too much hassle.

    2. If you want the go-to Cuban place that every politician stops at in Miami, go to Versailles. The food is actually really good. It has an old school cafeteria vibe and it’s always packed, but it’s so worth the experience. Plus, it’s very inexpensive. Get the tres leches.

      Wynwood is a great place to spend the day. You can check out the murals and art galleries, and there’s always some sort of craft fair going on. Wynwood Yard is a cool spot for live music. There are several breweries, of which J Wakefield is my favorite.

      If you head to South Beach for your beach fix, I wouldn’t recommend trying to eat anywhere along Ocean Drive. They’re tourist traps. I was impressed with Bolivar – it’s a Colombian/South American fusion type place, and their cuatro leches cake is still one of my favorite desserts of all time (can you tell I love that dessert?).

      The Wharf is a cool spot downtown to grab a drink and hear some music. They regularly have events on the weekends. I would opt to not rent a car and stay either downtown or in Edgewater (just east of Wynwood).

  18. What are the best no-show athletic socks for my low pro casual sneaks (ie socks that won’t get your feet all sweaty like the cute ones do)? I need something with an elastic that won’t crap out after three washes so I’m not constantly pulling it up on my foot? And something that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg, preferably.

    1. My Vans no shows have lasted years. Targtet Peds brand are cheaper, but be careful with sizing because they will slip off if too small or large

    5. My Nike ones seem to be ok. My Adidas ones do exactly what you’re talking about so don’t get those.

  19. Did anyone see the NY Times article on antidepressants? I am super disappointed. It was a terribly misleading article IMO.

      1. I also agree that it was very misleading and almost fear mongering. Reporting like that is typical blog-level click bait and it is disappointing to see the NY Times.

        There should have been much more data rather than anecdotes. A person with a family history of mental illness, PTSD, or anxiety that could be traced back to childhood should not be lumped in with someone who needs anti-depressants while suffering through a life transition with regard to how they tolerate discontinuing medications. It varies dramatically depending on diagnosis, medication, other health issues, length of treatment, genetic etc..

        Just… ugh. If you needed an article that would help discourage people who need treatment, that is a good example.

      2. It’s still contested whether SSRIs outperform placebos for conditions other than major depressive disorder. If someone is still functioning without an SSRI, then it’s probably not the best available treatment. Discontinuation syndrome is no joke, and no one should ever have to go through it because of situational depression or anxiety.

        1. But you are making blatant generalizations, particularly for someone who is probably not trained as a psychiatrist. I don’t remember many (any?) quotes from actual doctors or researchers doing clinical trials in that article.

          I hope that our expectations for healthy living are a bit higher than “still functioning” which is a terrible sweeping basis for treatment of a mental health problem. And people are so different in their history, genetics, other co-morbities and habits (alcohol, smoking, other behavioral compulsions and addictions), their daily responsibilities and work conditions, their family history…. and all of these should be taken into consideration .

          And yes, the best available treatment is counseling + medication for many/most, yet most people cannot afford it. The trend of primary care doctors treating mood disorders is not a great one and most people should be seen by a psychiatrist and ideally a therapist for initial assessment and guidance during treatment. But since it is so hard to find these providers….

          And the vast majority of people do not experience discontinuation syndrome, which is not a medical “syndrome” but makes a great catch phrase for this article.

          1. It’s not as though SSRIs are just “better than nothing” though. There are studies that suggest long term outcomes may be worse for patients on SSRIs than for patients on placebos. I don’t know what the public health legacy of these medications will ultimately be, but

            Better treatments include more effective psychiatric medications. I also believe that doctors could do a better job treating patients if they didn’t resort so quickly to psychiatric medications. I’ve witnessed both doctors and psychiatrists turn to SSRIs for “depression” or “anxiety” before checking for things like hypothyroidism, other autoimmune conditions like lupus or celiac disease, blood sugar swings that aren’t reflected in an A1C, or serious B or D vitamin deficiencies that are associated with psychological symptoms. I know that screening costs money, but “hey, we have something that will probably make you feel better no matter what’s wrong with you, so let’s stop there” is also setting a pretty low standard for healthy living.

          2. But of course doctors are supposed to do that. If they don’t you have a poor doctor.

            But also with the age of the internet people want way more testing than is usually needed. You don’t need to test every person who comes in with depression or anxiety for that sweeping list you gave. Because almost NONE of them come with isolated symptoms of depression or anxiety. So a good doctor that takes a careful history and examines you would never need to order all of that.

          3. I guess that’s what I mean–when a patient has too many symptoms, the symptoms are assumed to be psychosomatic, and then SSRIs become a first resort rather than a last resort. But there are some medical conditions that truly have a wide variety of symptoms. I agree that the doctors who default to SSRIs aren’t doing a great job. I just wonder how it goes down when the patient hasn’t gone on the internet, come up with a theory about what they have, and asked for the relevant testing. If someone did a bad job self-diagnosing and asked for irrelevant tests, maybe it ended there, and they’re on psychiatrics now, same as if they had gone along with the doctor from the start.

      2. A couple things I guess bothered me:

        1. It seems to be guided by the assumption that psychiatric drugs are not on the same playing field as drugs for other medical conditions. They use the phrase “popping pills” which I don’t think someone would say about high blood pressure medication.
        2. It doesn’t really seem to address any of the benefits of these drugs. Yes there are side effects sometimes but for many people the side effects outweigh the crippling, debilitating effects of serious mental health diagnoses.
        3. The thing that probably annoyed me the most is hey cite a study where participants are instructed to stop taking the pill cold turkey with no tapering. That is not at all recommended and of course you would experience withdrawal.
        4. Psychiatric drugs are a treatment, not a cure. If you stop taking them, it is possible symptoms will return – particularly if your anxiety, depression, etc. has been a life-long struggle. So it makes sense that some people will not feel well when they discontinue the drug.

        I think a more constructive approach is hey maybe primary care physicians shouldn’t be prescribing these. A psychiatrist is a specialist for a reason and these medications like most medications need proper management.

        1. A lot of people would rather “pop a pill” for high blood pressure instead of eating better and exercising. As with everything, choices matter.

          1. But again… you are clearly not a doctor. While this is sometimes true, many (most?) men will require blood pressure medicines at some time in their life. Genetics and hormones trump diet and exercise every time. It is not so simple as Solo suggests.

        2. I would react the same way to someone ‘popping a pill’ for high blood pressure without taking any steps to increase exercise, reduce stress or otherwise manage their health. There will always some people that require medication and non-medication measures alone will not be sufficient, but that’s the exception not the rule.

          1. This is misleading. It is well established that the first treatment for high blood pressure are behavior modification. Medication is for resistant hypertension, behavior modification failures.

            And you are wrong that it is the exception not the rule that requires medication when measured over a lifetime.

          2. The first treatment for high BP is supposed to be behavior modification but many many patients walk away with generic advice to reduce stress and exercise more plus a script for medication. Very few are referred to dietiacians, psychologists for stress reduction and kinesologists for exercise program development.

    3. Fwiw, I just got off a difficult to taper drug after 14 months. It wasn’t an antidepressant; it was Zyrtec and it would give major itchiness if missed a dose. I would step down super slowly, like 6 months at a half dose, 6 months at a 1/4 dose, and I was going in 2 months at a 1/8 dose.

      I was finally down to a 1/8 dose when I had a flare up and took a full dose. I did a quick taper down: full dose to 1/4 dose to 1/8 dose. I then stopped taking it and, surprise, no flare up. I am not saying it would work for antidepressants but it worked for me and this med.

      Fwiw, I was able to stop 3 antidepressants at the same time cold turkey somewhat unintentionally. I had just made some major changes to make my life better (ended a toxic relationship, decided to accept a new job offer, went on a needed vacation). I was on vacation, forgot to take my nighttime meds, woke up late and missed the morning meds too. Realized it 24 hours later and felt fine but I carried my enmergency doses for a week after just in case. I credit the changes in my life and being discombobulated from a long flight. I had previously tried to taper the night time meds with little luck so it was a big relief when I realized all this.

      So yeah, all this to say that tapering any med is tricky, not well understood (except for corticosteroids), and highly dependent on someany things. Anyone trying to taper off meds has my sympathy.

      1. There needs to be so much more good scientific and medical research in this area. Withdrawing from Zoloft was awful for me. While medicine hems and haws about “discontinuation syndrome,” I followed advice I found on a forum for hard drug users on how to recover from withdrawal from street drugs (basically, lots of amino acids until the serotonin receptor situation in the brain normalizes). Ironically, this helped immensely.

        Later I took Xanax three times a day for two years for a symptom that turned out to be unrelated to anxiety. I quit overnight without any difficulty at all. Later I learned that quitting benzos overnight can kill people, that people shoot up pharmacies over benzo withdrawal, it’s harder to quit than opioids, and that this is why I needed a signature for my refills, etc. So I’m nearly a worst-case-scenario SSRI withdrawer, but I can quit Xanax without even noticing. I would love to know why.

        1. Wow you really should never quite xanax cold turkey like that. It’s not that it can kill you but you could have a seizure and kill me while you are driving.

          They are two completely different types of medicines affecting completely different molecules and parts of the brain and your doses are different. There is no reason why your ability to quit these different medications “cold turkey” should be the same. Your genetics/environment (what you drink/eat/sleep/other meds etc..) are different than everyone else’s, which is why your response may be different.

          Why didn’t you follow your doctor’s directions and taper these appropriately… or did you not ask? I would be shocked if your psychiatrist told you to do this, and if they did, they are a poor doctor and should be reported.

          1. I wasn’t assuming that there was any connection–I’ve just had two outlier experiences, which underscored to me how different everyone is, and which raised some curiosity about what those differences mean.

            There’s a story there, but yes, I saw a psychiatrist who was not good, and it wasn’t until I saw a better psychiatrist that I learned how much had been poorly handled. I was a university student at the time, and I’ve become a better patient and self-advocate since.

          2. Fair enough. But be careful what you post, as your post previously was in fact encouraging to someone who is clueless/not a good patient that it might be fine to abruptly stop 3 anti-depressants at once (oh my goodness) and xanax without ever mentioning dose/how long you were on/your age/if you drank or took rec drugs etc… It is amazing how many people will follow the recommendations of anonymous people online, or use it as a justification for doing the same thing themselves…

            But thanks for the follow-up. Hope you are in a better place.

        2. Thank you; you are right about being more careful. I am curious about the science of things that shouldn’t have happened in the first place, but medically, the message is: **Always taper off psychiatric medications under medical supervision.** And get a second opinion if you need to. I would get a whole week-by-week plan from a doctor if I had to taper off a medication today.

    4. I’ve been on antidepressants for 13 years. I no longer need them but like the article says, I can’t quit. I have tried several times (tapering very slowly, under the direction of my doctor) and the withdrawal is AWFUL and so severe I can’t function. Ideally I would take 6 months off work and just lie in bed and deal with it, but that’s just not possible. So I’m stuck.

      Taking the drugs, however, was 100% worth it and they saved my life. So I would never want to discourage someone from taking them and I think this article is damaging.

      2. Same for me, except I am now weaning off (6 weeks pregnant tomorrow) and it is the hardest, most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I’m coordinating closely with my psychiatrist and therapist but still, it is mind bogglingly hard. Next week should be my last week on them and I’m hoping things normalize after that. I’ve been on one SSRI or another for almost 15 years.

        1. Good luck!! How long as it taken you? Pregnancy is definitely something I have kept in mind when it comes to weaning (I’m not married or having babies anytime soon, but still).

          1. it’s been slow going so far (in part b/c of work-related stress that should pass in a few weeks), but I started about two weeks ago. my doctor said to budget about a month for it. I know there are women who stay on a low dose the whole pregnancy, but I decided the stress/anxiety of worrying about what effect it would have on my baby was worse than weaning off. so far i’ve had the usual array of withdrawal symptoms (this is not my first rodeo when it comes to trying to wean off) – brain zaps, foggy brain, sleepiness, headaches, etc. plus the increased anxiety. I wish I had been able to do this before, but it is what it is. If at some point you do decide to go off, I recommend taking as long as possible to do it and weaning to the smallest amount (like the particles of dust mentioned in the article). I had tried to do it while TTC but found that the anxiety associated with TTC was too much to combat while also stopping the meds.

          2. Honestly, a month is too short in my book, and tapering off in such a stressful period is also making it harder. Stay in close touch with your doctor and be open to modifying your plan if needed.

      3. Same-ish. I take an SSRI for OCD, not purely for depression or anxiety. Those tend to be an offshoot of my OCD diagnosis. I 100% agree that the medication, along with a very dedicated psychiatrist, therapist, and dog, saved my life. But I knew what it was going in. I was told specifically that it would be a long term commitment, and coming off of the medication would be difficult/impossible depending on how my body reacted. Was I willing to make the tradeoff? ABSOLUTELY YES AND I’D DO IT AGAIN 1000 TIMES. Diet and exercise and “self care” were not going to cut it for me. If that means I’m beholden to a low dose of a drug for the rest of my life? So be it.

    5. I knew someone here would freak out about this article. I am one of those people who don’t believe taking drugs (any drugs) for long periods of time is healthy. I have been on antidepressants twice, once for 6 months and once for 4 months, both times to help me get through real life crises. You have to do some actual work to change your circumstances in life. Talk therapy, financial changes, family changes, all kinds of really hard decisions. Medication can help ease these changes. But there is something very wrong with our world when half of society is walking around medicated because they can’t cope with daily life.

      2. I agree that the ideal is medication and therapy with behavioral modification. Yet most people do not have the time and resources to do all the therapy, or access.

        And most people are not you. Everyone is different. Everyone has different abilities and coping skills and some will never be able to do it. Yet, we blame/judge everyone the same. That’s the American way.

      3. You’re making a lot of presumptions about people who take antidepressants. How’s the view up there on your high horse?

      4. I knew someone who is not a doctor trained to diagnose and treat mental illness would chime in about how much better they are than the people who have clinical depression versus situational depression or are, ya know, different than them!

      6. This response shows that you do not know what it is like to go through life anxious and depressed, barely functioning, as I spent my teens and twenties. Yes, I was alive. But I wished I were dead. And I didn’t know why. I resisted starting antidepressants for YEARS because of this kind of attitude. Why couldn’t I fix it? The problem is, there was nothing wrong in my life to fix. It was all in my head.that was the problem. Meds fixed that.

        I take a very small dose (25 mg) daily and I don’t ever want to go off of it. This wasn’t about getting me through a difficult time. This was about fundamentally changing my brain chemistry. There was something wrong with it. I’m still me. I still have emotions. But now I can function and actually live life.

        Please reconsider the way you think about these topics and realize that not everyone goes through life with your exact brain and situation. These meds saved my life, and I know I am not alone in this.

        1. FWIW, there was a point in my life when I wished I was dead. I had to do a lot of work to change that. It sounds like you did too. Your 25 mg per day is now a crutch. You are giving yourself to Big Pharma instead of trying to find other ways to maintain your life? That’s a sad place to be.

          1. You clearly don’t understand genetics, medicine or basic biology.

            Just because your therapist told YOU that you didn’t need medication, it does not mean everyone else doesn’t need it either.

          2. How else is someone supposed to fix a chemical imbalance in their body without doing something to alter the quantity of said chemicals? Moreover, you assume without showing that the person you’re going after has not tried to find, or has rejected, another solution that would be as effective. You’re also assuming without showing that another solution exists.

            Your inability to complete basic logical reasoning combined with your insistence on telling others how to take care of themselves is very troubling.

          3. What’s sad is the way you’re living your life in judgment of others. I genuinely hope something really bad happens to you, soon. You could definitely use the life lesson, in the worst way.

      7. Yup. The irony of this post right after post where everyone piled onto the notion that self care (healthy eating, being active, reducing stress) is garbage.

        Pop a pill and keep working all night, that seems to be where society has ended up. Lifelong medication is necessary for some but it was never intended to be used as a default.

        And I was on medication for a year when it was really necessary, during which time I made a lot of changes so I wouldn’t need it again. And self-care has prevented that need. The reality is that for mild depression, Regular exercise is just as effective as an SSRI for most people.

          1. No, they don’t that’s why I said “Lifelong medication is necessary for some but it was never intended to be used as a default.”

            Medication is treated as the default. Few people going on their drugs are told that the long term health consequences are not well understood. There is very limited assistance with non-medication based therapies or lifestyle changes to ensure that lifelong medication is only used by those who truly need it. Better quality mental health care is the answer, not a default to lifelong medication – which keeps pharmaceutical companies very happy, they have zero incentive to reduce the current usage patterns.

          2. But your post is also wrong. It is not true that most people are on lifelong medication and it is not a default.

            You do know that the vast majority of patients never get any treatment, never mind prescription drug treatment…. right?

          3. The NY Times article that is the subject of the post is about the surge in long terms usage of SSRIs. The conversation in this thread is about the safety of long terms usage and difficulty in discontinuation. It’s not a post about mental health care in general and its accessibility.

            “Long-term use of antidepressants is surging in the United States, according to a new analysis of federal data by The New York Times. Some 15.5 million Americans have been taking the medications for at least five years. The rate has almost doubled since 2010, and more than tripled since 2000.”

        2. Exactly. Most women on this board could not function without their pills (and booze for that matter).

        4. “The reality is that for mild depression, Regular exercise is just as effective as an SSRI for most people.”

          Please provide citation(s) to support this statement.

      8. I will take metformin and thyroid meds every day for the rest of my life, most likely. They keep me healthy. Thanks for the uniformed judgment though.

        1. I took metformin for many years. I learned that B12 deficiency nerve damage can occur before the deficiency shows up in labs. Maybe ask your doctor about taking B12 (sublingual or injection) to prevent any issues from arising.

          2. Nerve damage symptoms can be weird, but things like feeling lightheaded and out of breath, and sensations of numbness, tingling, burning, or prickliness.

            Eventually, B12 deficiency can produce psychological symptoms and cardiac symptoms, so it’s worth staying on top of it.

      9. If you have better ideas on how I can change how my immune system reacts to external stimuli, please share. Until then, I will happily pop my antihistamines.

      10. My mom is bipolar. Before there were good medications for bipolar disorder that didn’t have serious side effects, she would routinely try to kill herself. I guess by your incredibly informed and knowledgeable opinion, she should stop taking her bipolar meds because “medication is bad.”

        People like you make me sick. I hope no one you love ever ends up with a mental illness that requires ongoing medication, since apparently you have no empathy and are in general a heartless, terrible person. That loved one would be up a creek if they were relying on you for help which should make you feel terrible – although I know it won’t. Be ashamed of yourself.

        1. Eyeroll. I’m not talking about bipolar disorder. Yes, there are certain mental diseases that require lifetime medication. I’m talking about the people who complain about their $hitty lives who hold down jobs but do nothing but feed their bodies junk in every form. Clinical depression is one thing, and it may require medication for a period of time. A lifetime of depression means there is something else (probably more than one thing) going on and you need to radically change your circumstances and situation.

          1. really, please use your psychiatry degree to explain to all of us drooling, drugged up fools why it is acceptable to treat bipolar disorder with medication but not clinical depression which can also result from chemical imbalances in the brain?

            #eyeroll.

    6. FYI – you should never stop any medication that affects the brain cold turkey. Never. Potentially dangerous. And just because you tolerated doing it once, doesn’t mean you can tolerate doing it again. With aging, changes in your hormones and other medications, things will change over time.

      Most medications that affect neurotransmitters in the brain cause compensatory changes in brain chemistry over time, and it is actually these compensatory changes that contribute to much of the therapeutic effect. They changes can take months for many people and consequently, you should always easy off these medications slowly as well. Many doctors (and patients…) are sloppy about this.

      Also, there are people who never should be off the medications. I always wonder how someone on a medication decides they don’t need it anymore….. how do you know until you have been off it for a prolonged period of time and are put under stressors? Only time will tell. But you can’t make that determination while on the medication.

      2. I think this is good advice. I was told I could quit taking adderall cold turkey, but I felt TERRIBLE when I tried to do that. I ended up tapering off over a few months instead. It was honestly still really hard (and I wasn’t even on a very high dose), so I wonder why my doctors didn’t warn me about that.

        And to your point about when people know they are ready to stop a med– for me it got to the point where I and my husband could both tell the side effects of the drug were outweighing its benefits. Also, I knew I wanted to start TTC and would not want to take the med while pregnant.

        1. Because my doctors have not consistently helped me out with tapering, I’ve sometimes gone to a pharmacist I have reason to think is good. “My doctor wants me to stop taking this, but I’m worried about stopping suddenly; do you have any advice for quitting it gradually?” They’ll at least tell you whether it’s okay to crush or split the pill.

          I think I’ve only quit things that were basically not working at all, I guess because I’ve been misdiagnosed a lot (I haven’t always seen the best doctors, see above).

    7. I don’t know anyone who was helped or acted better on these drugs. I also saw that people in my life were suicidal trying to get off of them, so they were stuck. I feel that the article was spot on, and people just don’t want to face it.

        1. But that’s your perception. What do the people around you think? Are you more easily agitated? “Dead to life”? Not really asking, but these have been my observations.

          1. I do know people who really were helped (though interestingly many of them have moved on to other psychiatric medications since–I have never asked why). They were more themselves and happier.

            I also know people who were dead to life on SSRIs. Maybe that’s what they needed at the time; I wouldn’t speak for them.

            I know I was dead to life on an SSRI. I’m still grateful to the people who approached me with their concerns about how I’d changed. One of the changes was that I pretty much only did what I was told or what I had to do, so I wonder how long I might have stayed on them out of sheer inertia if no one had intervened. I was taking them so that I would be less nervous in public speaking contexts, and they succeeded in that I was doing a better job at public speaking, but it was like I wasn’t really there living my life anymore.

          2. Or, maybe, I became actually able to be agitated because I cared enough to bother. Dead to life? Try not manic. I strongly feel that I don’t want other people to judge how I feel – I care about how I FEEL. Nobody else knows what I’m going through, or what’s going through my head, except for me.

          3. I had several friends in college who were the life of the party. Big drinkers. Always full of fun and spontaneous. Sometimes on the edge and risk takers. In retrospect, many of them were a mess, mentally ill and often self medicating with alcohol.

            Yeah, treating their depression, or anxiety, or bipolar II, or bipolar I etc… brought them down so they weren’t so spontaneous and up for partying. But their purpose in life is not for my entertainment.

            “Dead to life”?!?! If they are not happy with how they feel, they should see their doctor and modify their treatment.

            You sound like a very supportive friend. Clearly this is why your friends and family are confiding in you as to why they are getting treatment.

          4. I would like to clarify that I was never the life of the party, and by being “dead to life” on an SSRI, I did not mean that I started being less fun.

            It was more like I wasn’t really there–I wasn’t even there to be happy or unhappy about how I felt, if that makes sense?

            I know I expressed dissatisfaction to the doctor, because she kept increasing the dose, and she had started talking about polypharmacy. I probably never should have been taking this med to begin with, so my experience may be very different from the experiences of people who needed it. But it’s really not right to blame someone who is currently tranqued out on drugs for not successfully getting their treatment modified.

          5. What I mean by “dead to life” is that maybe the kids are running around acting crazy (possibly about to hurt themselves) and the person doesn’t notice. Or, someone is speaking to the person, and they don’t respond. They are just like…blank. By agitated, I mean that they snap at people all of the time, become very bossy and possessive.

            Or, a once very friendly warm person becomes cold and withdrawn. Their voice changes from chipper to somber and matter-of-fact.

            But hell, if they think they feel better, who the heck am I?

      2. I was also significantly helped. They saved my life.

        I think too many people are on medication for too long because they are not offered other forms of help and I posted about that above but these medications are lifesaving when used appropriately.

      3. Me three. Several of them, in fact, but only one of which I have taken long-term. I have many references who can attest that I was both helped and acted MUCH better.

  20. I need a new one piece. I’m 5’3″ 120 post-two kids, if that helps. Any specific recommendations of companies and/or certain suits you have liked online? TIA!

    1. I switched from wearing a one piece to a tankini. I just couldn’t find anything other than a Speedo anywhere. I am impressed with the Lands End line but they sell out quickly. For a backup suit, I like Target. I wear swimsuits for SCUBA diving and lap swimming and the tankinis slow me down a little but I’m not trying to win any races.

    3. I haven’t tried them yet but I’m in the market for a one piece this year and I’m almost exactly your size. I’ve been looking at Cupshe, Venus, and a few from Nordstrom.

    4. I love the magic suit/miracle suit. I find them on zappos. Expensive but well made and don’t budge. They have pretty designs.

    5. Lots of cute suits at Boden. Haven’t bought any, but the catalog they just sent me is making me want one pretty hard. Also Garnet Hill, of all places.

      1. Check out TitleNine. They make lots of cute practical stuff that are made for physical activity.

    8. My favorite suits are by Melissa Odabash. The material she uses is really comfortable (I have trouble with Jcrew/Lands End – it’s just not soft and nice to wear all day at the beach). The suits are expensive, but they last forever – I’m on season 6 & there’s no wear showing (and I toss them in the washer/dryer). Totally worth it & they’re flattering.

  21. I have been trying to move to DC for quite some time now and I am finally in the running for a job in McLean. I am trying to familiarize myself with DC neighborhoods/apartments so I have a general sense of where I want to live if I get the job. I would be moving from a very suburban city where you have to drive everywhere…I have no experience with using public transportation for commuting to work purposes. That said, I have no issues changing that lifestyle if I get this job. I’m mid twenties, single, no kids, and I’m attracted to the Capitol Hill and Navy Yard areas. I’ve worked really hard to make this DC dream a reality and I think I would rather live in DC than VA, but would it be crazy to commute to McLean from those places? Any thoughts, recommendations, and/or websites that can shed more light on neighborhoods in DC are welcome!

    1. It would be a long commute from most parts of DC, except the parts near Georgetown, which ironically is not Metro-accessible.

      1. I saw the commute would be about an hour, but is that common? I’m okay with it but I’m wondering if my coworkers would be aghast that I live in Capitol Hill

        1. If it’s a hour on Metro, on the Orange/Silver Lines you could be standing that whole time.

          1. And that’s on a good day. The Silver/Orange (and Blue) lines are notorious for delays. Last week the Orange Line was down for an hour during morning rush – and since Silver uses those tracks too it was also affected.

        2. Have you ever had an hour commute? It may SOUND ok, but when you’re doing it and it’s hard to fit in exercise because you’re exhausted from commuting and cooking dinner and every other errand, it’s not OK. I live in the DC area (Northern VA suburbs) and having a shorter commute changed my life. I’m not exaggerating. I have a massive amount more energy.

          How old are you? If you are in your mid-twenties I would suggest Arlington as you’ll still get an urban lifestyle feel but closer to work. It’s not a “drive everywhere” suburb until you get closer to falls church/fairfax. If you are certain you want to live in DC and want to take public transportation, I would look at Foggy Bottom. I like Capital Hill more than Navy Yard, but that’s just me. Look at how many line transfer you’ll have to do on the metro, because that adds to your waiting time/metro troubles. Honestly though, If my job was in McLean I would take advantage of the lower rent

          Remember that estimating an hour metro trip does not mean it will take an hour. It can take much longer as the metro is a little unreliable (it’s better than it was). Sometimes trains chug along, or they have to stop for a medical emergency, or some days you wake up and there’s a fire on the tracks and you can’t get to work at all.

        3. Why would your coworkers care where you live and why would you care if they did?

          Also an hour with WMATA is going to feel a lot longer than an hour elsewhere.

          1. And why are you so rude? Pretty sure OP is just trying to get a feel for what people generally do in the area, not that she “cares” what they think.

    2. I think you could also look at areas near Foggy Bottom or anywhere with a relatively short commute to the Memorial or Key bridges, depending on where in McLean you’re trying to go. Since you don’t mention a metro stop (and very little of McLean is Metro-able), you likely will be driving to work.

      I know you said that you have ruled out Virginia, but I gently encourage you to give Arlington another look. It will cut at least 15-20 minutes off your commute each way but still be easy for you to get into the city when you need to. Think realistically what your life will look like — if you are living on Capitol Hill, and you don’t get home until 7 or 7:30, do you expect to go out and meet friends every night? Or would it make more sense to live somewhere with a shorter commute, and drive/take transit/uber for the times that you are out with friends?

      2. So luckily the office is only a 6 minute walk from the closest Metro. I’m also okay with driving to work if that is easier but I get the impression that public transport will be easier. I haven’t ruled out VA completely but I really want to be in the center of it all – I’m really into politics and I want to be involved in things and network, etc.

        1. You won’t miss out on politics by being in Arlington.
          Living in DC would also much much higher rents while still having a sky-high commute.

        2. So I’m in politics, and I suggest you think about how much you’d really get out of living in the district if networking is your goal. Most receptions happen during the workday or during happy hour. If you work in McLean, you won’t be able to attend too many things. That said, if you get a roommate, your roommate is likely to work on the Hill or know someone who works on the Hill, so your friend network could potentially include Hill staffers.

          I know I sound like a negative nancy and I don’t mean to. I’m the 12:20 poster and I lived on the Hill for a year and loved it…but then was super happy to move out to Alexandria for a little bit more breathing room.

        3. Okay, if you are planning to Metro I would limit your search to places where you won’t have to switch Metro lines. Capitol Hill is doable but it will be really long — probably at least an hour door to door. If you can live near Foggy Bottom instead, you’d cut at least 15 minutes off that each way.

        5. You could check out Rosslyn – it’s literally right across the river from Georgetown, metro accessible, and cheaper than DC.

      3. Seconded. Especially in Clarendon/Ballston, there will be tons of people your age, it won’t be completely awful to commute to McLean, and it’s still really easy to get into DC.

    4. Your commute will depend primarily if your job in McLean is metro accessible. The commute from the Hill to McLean on metro is about 45 minutes, barring delays, which are frequent and that doesn’t include the time to walk from your place to metro and from metro to your office. From Navy Yard to McLean is probably closer to an hour because you need to change trains. If you have flexibility with start time and can avoid the worst of rush hour I would probably drive. Its about a 30 minute drive not in rush hour and an hour to 90 minutes in rush hour on a really bad day. I would not be ok with that long a commute and instead would choose to live in Courthouse/Clarendon in Virginia. It has lots of younger graduates and restaurants/bars/shops and would probably cut your commute in half. If you later got a job in DC it would also still be a very reasonable metro commute to DC.

      UrbanTurf dot com has good neighborhood profiles, so I would suggest that to get a sense of the area.

    5. I’m surprised by some of the responses to this. I know a ton of people who have hour long commutes in the DC area, by car or public transit. Arlington and DC are both decent options. They have distinct differences and some people really prefer living in one over the other.

    6. I used to commute from Shirlington to Tysons by car and it was about an hour. It wasn’t bad, and I got used to it.

      Navy Yard is on the green line, which does you no good at all, so I’d take it off your list completely. Eastern Market has both the silver line and quick access to 695, and a million fun restaurants and beautiful row houses, so that’s my vote if you really want to live in the district.

      The only thing about living on Capitol Hill is that it’s just…kind of a pain. The grocery stores are small, you have to either just buy what you can carry back to your place or you have to drive and try to find a parking spot, then you get to schlep your groceries up however many flights of stairs to your unit. Ditto the hassle for dry cleaning. And who knows whether you’ll have laundry in your unit. And your unit is likely to be…petite. How much space do you need to feel at home? Particularly if you’re coming from the suburbs.

      Have you considered Clarendon? It’s super popular with the 20s and single crowd. Lots of shopping and dining and a Whole Foods. On the silver line and not an awful commute by car.

    7. Welcome to DC and congrats on making this happen for you.

      I agree with the posters that say you’ll need to be on the Orange/Blue lines. That puts you on the Hill/Eastern Market or Foggy Bottom. Depending on your budget and scene, you could push east a bit further to Potomac Ave. or Stadium Armory, but this will increase your commute.

      Totally disagree with the above comments about the convenience or lack thereof on the Hill. We have brand new Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Harris Teeters – all with parking. And I can’t walk my dog 3 blocks without passing 3 dry cleaners. Also, as a career renter, I don’t think there are units without in-unit laundry these days; the market requires it. However, the space thing…that’s true.

      I’ve been here for a while, living on various spots on the Hill, drive out to VA often during rush hour, and take metro. Feel free to email me at crossedpaws10 at the mail of G if you’d like to chat further. Happy to provide some insight.

      1. Thank you for the email offer! I’m starting to rethink the possibility of living in VA but still very much attracted to the Hill. My office would be on the silver line. I’m probably a little ahead of myself here as I haven’t gotten the job yet but I wanted to gain a little background/perspective in advance.

      2. I also live on the Hill (and do a driving commute to Gaithersburg every day). I echo the disagreement about the lack of convenience on the Hill — I do little of my shopping elsewhere, and have no issues with finding anything that I need in the greater Hill area. It’s certainly no less convenient than other in DC-places, and has pretty easy access to Northern Virginia places (and some MD places) for things that you can’t find close by. The space thing is going to be an area-wide concern if that’s a concern — while spaces on the Hill can be small, you aren’t going to get a ton more bang for your buck in Clarendon (and you may even get less in Foggy Bottom or elsewhere, depending). I will say that I’m not particularly in love with my commute (which I’ve been doing for 5 years), but for me, the problem there is with the job, not with where I live. Had a family member who did a Hill to Tysons Drive daily, and while it wasn’t ideal, he figured it out. Different areas in the DC area have very different feelings, so it’s worth checking them out if you can, before making any decisions.

        1. I’m on the Hill and would love to know what this commute is like. I look at jobs in Gaithersburg but am typically too afraid to apply because I’m scared of the commute. What time do you leave, route and how long does it take, if you don’t mind sharing?

          1. Late response, but hope you see it. I’m not going to lie because the commute is not great, but I’m used to it now. I work near the Shady Grove exit off of 270 and I live near H Street NE. The fastest route for me is typically to drive the BW Parkway up to 95 to the ICC. I leave the house between 8:30 and 9 due to childcare constraints and it takes me about 50 minutes. This route involves very little traffic, so at least it moves. Coming home, I usually go the same way at about 6:00. It’s about an hour typically. When I used to stay until 6:30, I could get the drive time down to about 40 minutes and could avoid the ICC tolls by coming down the beltway one direction or the other. Several folks in my office do a similar drive from the Hill, and while no one loves it, it hasn’t been the primary reason anyone has left the office either.

    8. I would 100% steer you to Foggy Bottom. I know a lot of people are saying Courthouse/Clarendon, but based on the neighborhoods you said interested you I wouldn’t say Arlington would be the best fit. (For me, Arlington feels very sterile and bro-y. Definitely plenty of restaurants, bars, and people in their 20s, with some gems, but that’s the overall feel of the neighborhood.)

      Foggy Bottom is the first stop in DC, and while its not the hippest neighborhood in the world (GW students and State Department staffers, mostly) its got plenty of apartment buildings and is walking distance from both Georgetown and Dupont Circle. Also, there’s a bit of a mental block here with the river, especially with younger people, and you’ll find more young political types live in DC itself rather than VA (unless we’re talking Rs.)

      1. This. DC neighborhoods, particularly for 20-somethings, are very tribal. (I find Arlington appallingly pastel-polo bro-y and would basically have to be offered free rent to even consider it.) I lived near Logan/Thomas Circle and commuted from McPherson Square to Tysons for about a year and while that commute did suck, I was much happier living within walking distance of every other aspect of my life. If you’re looking for 14th street going-out options, centrality, and convenience to after work think-tank events, check out areas walk-able to McPherson. Foggy Bottom will be more student-y, but shave a couple stops off your commute.

        To avoid standing on a long commute, find a morning fitness class/gym by your work. You never have to fight for a seat before 7am!

    2. After using many, I now use bubble-wrap padded ziploc bags. Takes up so much less space.

    3. A hanging toiletry kit – no specific brand. Love being able to hang it from the towel bar since hotel counter space is often limited.

    4. I have a bag that’s shaped like an old-fashioned men’s shaving kit that I got at the brick-and-mortar Birchbox store last summer. Love it! I also have an extra-small mesh packing cube that I use for the overflow.

    5. I use a clear zipped one by Muji. It survived over a year of weekly travel, still going strong

      1. They also have one that has an awesome number of compartments, including one for brushes, and zips into a nice tight cube. My only complaint about it is that it only comes in black which makes some small things hard to see. But if you like ultra-organized things, it’s perfect!

  23. Has anyone ever had a parent or in-law refuse to attend your wedding? Care to share how you dealt with it? My future MIL is refusing to attend for religious reasons (aka the I’m-not-part-of-hers variety), and while I don’t have much of a relationship with her, it hurts a lot for some reason. Sigh.

      1. Fiance and FIL are 100% supportive because they’ve not observed the faith in a long time. I’m not religious, but not willing to convert into the religion (or for that matter, raise my kids in the said religion, which is what MIL wants) just for the sake of marriage. Fiance doesn’t want that either.

        1. Yikes it sounds like this is really more about him than about you. I agree with Anonymous at 1:28 below. You’ve invited her, she’s decided to be awful, don’t let her yank your chain.

    3. This is total B.S. Do not let it affect you. Easiest way to deal with it, is to not deal with it. You have invited her to your wedding, she refused. You are now done with it and her. If she wants to make an overture–it’s on her–not you. Any other response simply enables and emboldens future BS of this ilk from her. End it now and take control.

    4. My folks refused to attend mine. I got married young, and despite dire warnings, it was the best decision I’ve ever made and we’ve been married a dozen years. It hurt a ton, that they didn’t feel like they could shut up and go along with my decisions. I’m sorry that your MIL is doing this.

      It was hard to realize that this wasn’t something that I could control and to not fall apart. There’s an old wisdom that you can’t control what others do, you can only control your response. The magic phrase for me was ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’ with the silent ‘but it’s not my problem’

      1. Also, it might help to rephrase your MIL’s behavior as a tantrum. And nothing short circuits a tantrum like ignoring it and not feeding it. So be hurt and be angry in private and as polite and unaffected as possible when dealing with her.

        1. Thank you! This is very useful, although I need to consciously tell myself to keep it together.

          1. It took about 5 years for the parents to come around to my marriage and my spouse. I’m still angry in a very quiet way. The disrespect of my choices and my status as an adult still stings.

            On the bright side, ‘i refuse to go to your wedding’ is kind of relationship rock bottom- nothing you ever do will make her approve of you, so you don’t need to try so hard. I found this oddly freeing- if I wanted to have a relationship with my parents, I could on my terms and if I didn’t, I could say no.

          2. What Super Anon is saying above has been helpful for me in similarly difficult relationships – this is rock bottom and she has chosen for it to be that way, so no more worrying about the tension in the relationship.

    5. Do you feel comfortable saying what faith? I’m from an ultra conservative faith where life is about pleasing one parents even as an adult. It used to be common that if you didn’t marry in the faith (Muslim), parents wouldn’t attend and you’d practically be cut off. Even they’ve moved forward in the last 40 years – parents don’t attend happily but they do attend as they realize that it isn’t worth cutting 1 of your 2 kids out of your life; honestly I think it was different back in the day when people had 7 kids – easier to not see one and still have a family. If Muslims can move forward, what faith is it that can’t?? I mean my faith is pretty backwards

      1. Hey, let’s not attack the faith of a billion plus people. Just because you don’t think well of Islam doesn’t mean that other Muslims think the same. Let’s unpack the self-hatred, mmkay?

        1. Come on – you know I’m right, you just won’t admit it. Maybe your 1 family is different but across 1000 Muslim families, 990 of them are like this.

          1. I don’t think this is faith specific so much as it’s specific to how religious and traditional a family/person is. I think we don’t associate those behaviors so much with Christians in the west because in the US for example, there are a lot of christians who aren’t quite that religious/traditional/exclusive in their outlook. I lived for many years in the Arab middle east, and I knew a TON of Muslims who were pretty accepting of others & were totally cool with their kids marrying non-Muslims.

          2. This is not true in my area. Many Muslim families in my city are first generation immigrants so if a DIL isn’t Muslim it’s usually less a religious concern issue and more about concern that language and culture (like food) will be lost. Especially for immigrant women whose English isn’t great, fear of not being able to communicate with their grandchildren is a driving factor.

            And yes, I realize that some of this is very specific to my city which has only seen a significant increase in the Muslim population in the last 20 years.

          3. No, that’s culture, not religion. We’re all smart enough on this board not to conflate the two. Destroying family ties over religion is NOT a teaching of Islam. If you think it is, then you are uneducated in Islam.

      2. Yes, it’s Islam.

        I’m not going to comment on what I feel about my MIL’s conservative interpretation of it because it’s brought me immense hurt, tears and many, many, hateful and defensive thoughts which I struggle (with much guilt) to fight off. In case it’s of interest, FIL converted to marry MIL back in the day, and they have a very unhappy marriage, which may have led their children away from the faith (among other reasons).

        I don’t really think that my MIL’s thinking is exclusive to Islam though, I can see it happening in Christianity, Judaism, or any other religion as well. It just really hurts that MIL can’t see past me as a person, my achievements, my personality, beyond slapping a “not-Muslim” label on me and cutting me off.

        1. Hugs. My MIL is the same way (she’s Jewish, I converted to Judaism, am more practicing than she is, but for some reason I’m still not “Jewish enough” and never will be). She came to our wedding but hasn’t really been in our lives since then for various similar tantrum-related reasons. It just really hurts. I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

        2. Muslim poster from above – honestly OP good riddance. You’ve invited her and she said no – don’t do anymore and don’t feel guilt. This is how the majority of Muslims are. And btw if she ever gets on you about her grandkids not being Muslim – if wave it in her face that she must not have raised her son Muslim bc he doesn’t even pray 5 times a day so maybe worry about him instead of daughter in law and grandkids. And btw – religion is a smokescreen here. A Muslim man can marry Christian or Jewish and the woman does NOT have to convert for it to be a recognized Muslim marriage. Conversion is only required if the bride is Muslim and the groom isn’t.

          1. Uh, yeah, maybe don’t wave religious law in your future MIL’s face. If she gets on your case, direct her to your fiance/husband.

        3. This is how most Muslims are when it comes to family. Good riddance. You’ve got groom and FIL on your side, don’t waste a second thinking about her.

        4. My MIL is the same way, and she’s Catholic. I was Catholic enough to do a church wedding, but sometimes I wish I had established different boundaries and “come out” as more of a cultural Catholic earlier in our relationship. I feel like conservative religious views sometimes appeal to people who already want to pressure and control others, and I’ve become increasingly tired of keeping the peace even as she’s gotten older and more entitled, I guess, to say whatever she likes (I would no longer feel comfortable getting into it with her, anyway, and my husband’s view is that her words can’t hurt anyone unless she acts on them). I think my frustration is coming through here, but I also realize there’s no plausible outcome that would make me happy–it’s just a hurtful, difficult situation, and I guess if it weren’t about religion, it would be about something else.

          1. Totally want to second “if it weren’t about religion, it would be about something else.” My MIL has gotten on my case not only about religion, but also about a host of other issues (the neighborhood we live in, when we have kids, my career, my family, even my hair, my height, and my wedding ring…). I think this is a personality trait some people have, where they want to be controlling of others in many respects. It will rear its head in different ways at different times.

        5. I’m sorry that your future MIL sucks. If it would help *you* feel better, you could try to have a one-on-one heart-to-heart with her but definitely do not feel obligated to do so. Whether she likes it or not, you are the woman her son chose and she is setting the tone of a terrible future relationship. If you feel like there’s nothing more you could or want to do, so be it.

  24. I just discovered ON Pixie Pants and they’re amazing. How do you wash them and how often? I’ve worn mine 2.5x and they’re starting to get a little saggy, not stinky yet. Mine are maternity, fwiw

    1. Late to respond, but I have the non-maternity version, I wash them basically every time after wearing and hang to dry, they seem to hold up pretty well.

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