ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 298 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Lissia Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I think it’s probably becoming pretty obvious that I can’t resist a beautiful blazer in an interesting color. I’ve found that this berry color is surprisingly versatile in my own wardrobe, and I wear it with grey, black, and navy. I think this particular blazer would look great over a light grey sheath. If you’re interested in making a full suit, Reiss has a matching skirt and pants. I saw another attorney in court wearing a similar-colored suit recently, and it looked awesome! The jacket is $370 and available in sizes 0–12. Lissia Jacket Two more affordable options in a somewhat different purple are from T Tahari (regular sizes) and Eloquii (plus sizes). This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. 

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

298 Comments

  1. Elizabeth, I love this blazer, but the Tahari is available now in size 2 black for only $54.97, so I am ordering it, and if it is to tight, I will give it to Rosa! Otherwise, I have a very conservative blazer for the fall! YAY!

    Can the hive please comment on why they are making such a news item over the poor Kennedy girl who killed herself from a drug overdose, while ignoring the 22+9 people who got killed by 2 crazy people (one in El Paso, and one in Dayton)? Those are the heart braking stories NOT being covered. THOSE innocent people included a baby and others who never hurt anybody, and no one says anything about them? Why is that? B/c they are not famous like the Kennedy’s. I think the news should be fair to all people, not just the famous people. FOOEY if the press is not and they are slanted toward the rich and famous.

  2. My hairdryer is on its way out – what is your favorite drugstore-level hairdryer? Are the fancy ones really worth it? My hair is thin, but I have a lot of it, with a slight wave that I blow out.

      1. Sadly that is a brand that has a lot of fakes, and Amazon doesn’t filter out counterfeit goods very well even if you buy from a reputable seller.

    2. Similar hair to yours – I bought the JINRI Negative Ion hair dryer on the evil river site. It was $40 and is super lightweight and the lint trap is easy to clean. It’s faster than the Conair I was using.

    3. Same hair type, and I noticed a big difference when I switched to a mid-level dryer. I bought a Rusk dryer at Ulta that is still going strong after five years. It dries my hair faster, with less heat damage than the Revlon dryers I used to use. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting my hair until I switched, tbh.

      1. I could have written this as well. Fine hair, but lots of it. I got a Rusk on a black friday sale on Amazon last year and I love it.

      2. Same. I’ve been recommending the Rusk W8less here for years. Mine finally gave out (I think due to my own abuse) about 8 weeks ago. I pulled out the Babyliss I keep as a backup but broke down a month ago and bought another Rusk.

    4. Our hair sounds similar – don’t waste your money on a Dyson. It does not speed my hair drying at all (though it does for my friends with less hair).

    5. I like the Conair Cord-Keeper. Since I buy good heat protective products and use the cooler settings, I don’t notice a big difference in dryer quality. (I’ve used better dryers while traveling and staying with friends, wasn’t impressed.) I prefer the convenience of not messing about with the cord.

    6. I love my T3 travel-size but am probably 90% happy with the cheapo Conair I use at home.

  3. I’ve successfully completed two interviews with a biglaw firm (associate, lateral move, East Coast). I’m meeting the department manager and a few members of the team for coffee tomorrow morning as more of a casual “chat with team and see if we click”. The recruiter seems to think this is the last step prior to them making an offer (but I’m trying to keep my expectations in check).
    Do I need to wear a full suit for this? I wore full suits and pumps to both interviews, but for practical reasons would prefer to wear a black dress with sleeves (thinking MM Etsuko) and nice flats (patent nude M Gemi points). Is that acceptable for this type of interview? Should I wear a jacket and/or heels too? Or just regular interview attire?

    1. Assuming it is not a business formal firm, I think you can get away without a full suit. But because it is the department manager, I would at least wear a non-matching jacket with the dress. At least at my office, the partner in charge of a practice group had the most say in the hiring of a lateral. And I always think you can wear flats, but I wouldn’t want to work somewhere that you get judged for not wearing heels.

    2. I’d throw a non-matching jacket over the Etsuko (like the Going Out Blazer in the black/white tweed). No need to wear a suit. Flats are fine.

    4. I would definitely add the jacket, or go with the full suit. I’d lean towards the latter if it is your first time meeting anyone in the group, and certainly if it is your first meeting with the practice group leader.

    5. I’ll be the voice of dissent… I had a similar meeting (lunch not coffee) when I was switching firms, and wore a sleeved dress and flats and it felt completely appropriate. I got the job FWIW.

  4. I would never have thought of the combination, but I love the colour of the top with this berry jacket.

    3. It’s pretty but on her skin tone, it looks like flesh so she looks topless. I think it needs to be done carefully.

  5. 3x/week I need to go in for allergy shots. Each time, I get one shot in each upper arm (the meaty part of my shoulder). I wear a lot of sleeved dresses or long-sleeved blouses but have some sleeveless shirts that I could wear since it is still warm out.

    But going forward into fall/winter, what to do? Just fold down the top of my dress and put on a t-shirt in the bathroom before? Wear my slouchy around-the-house clothes and just change after (I have to go at 8am but it’s 10 minutes from my house)? The shot room is a big not-private area where it’s mostly kids, non–working moms, and men (who wear polo shirts now, but maybe would strip down to an undershirt come cooler weather). After 2 kids, I’m OK stripping down to a cami/bra, but am pretty sure that the co-ed room and other shot-getters are not ready for that world.

    [After I get the first 40 shots, I think the frequency drops off to weekly and then monthly, but the weekly phase may last for quite a while; I’m on shot 1 now.]

    1. Assuming you don’t want to buy some sleeveless dresses and pants with some sleeveless or short-sleeved tops, the changing after seems like the best option. If you are not already planning to return home after the shot, you could just change in the bathroom at the doctor’s office. Every doctor’s office I’ve ever been to had a real clean and big bathroom.

      1. Yeah, I’d be kind of peeved about having to dress for this because of the open area. There’s no curtain or anything? I’d probably wear my work pants with a short-sleeved shirt and then either add a jacket or change into the long-sleeved shirt after.

      2. This. They have seen what others do and what is “normal” and are probably happy to share.

    3. (Sleeveless dress or shell) + (blazer or sweater) is what everyone does when the flu shot comes to our office in fall, which is similar coed limited-privacy circumstances.

      Or a button-down shirt that you can unbutton enough to be able to slip down off your shoulder while preserving coverage in front.

      1. Just a note of encouragement. I endured allergy shots for two years. It was a pain, but I am truly cured of allergy symptoms.

    4. In the winter I typically layer for warmth, so when I was getting mine, it was always a tank top + sweater + jacket day, so I’d lift up the sweater to expose my arm and still be covered by the tank. I live in a fairly warm climate for summer so I’d also wear a tank under my top then as well to soak up the sweat.

      Or wear a wide neck blouse (boat neck or the like) so you can slide down the sleeve from the neck.

    5. I used to have to get a port a cath accessed once a month and more when I was on antibiotics.

      I would wear a tank or cami under my top and take off the shirt. I would also wear a cap sleeve or a short sleeve and just push the sleeve up.

  6. Reposting from yesterday morning’s thread. My post was stuck too long in moderation…

    I was recently watching an episode of Queer Eye. There was an episode where a 18 year old musician has no friends. When one of the hosts asks him for his interest, he draws a blank and says he likes laser shooting … Which reminded me of something from my recent past where I asked someone I had just met at a meet up group event, what she liked to do. And when I was asked the same person, I drew a blank. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. Finally I said something like decorating (my house, but I really have no particular talent for it), gardening (again no green thumb) and estate sales (I like to go for decorating purposes). If I think about what I do, it’s pretty much work, home, kid and watching TV! I wonder how do I discover myself better, develop particular interests & hobbies. I am thinking my lack of interests/hobbies may be one of things that is preventing me from making new friends (I moved to West Coast city from NYC 7 years ago, and I can honestly say I have made 0 friends on my own; all new people I know are through my husband work.) Any advice for me? Can you please share what your hobbies and interests are?

    1. I like getting out of my house –> walking, hiking, tennis, biking, kayaking. I’m not an athlete, but the world is a beautiful place and I work indoors.

      I like eating delicious food, so I like trying different cooking things and going to restaurants.

      I also like people-watching, so I love the airport and travel and just any opportunity to play amateur anthropologist.

      I wear clothes, which I’m always struggling to find giving my work’s changing dress code, being a very high-waisted pear, changing work roles, lots of work travel, and just changing age/stage in life. So I like clothes and shoes and bags and thinking about things (and sometimes actual shopping and sometimes just clicking around).

      I am a Virgo, so I love redoing closets and trying to deal creatively with spaces for stuff, especially with the change of seasons. And purging and doing Goodwill runs (and then eyeing what the rest of the world donates). And I like dealing with my outside plants and attempts to have a garden.

      You eat? You work? You reside somewhere? There is a lot just in those things.

    2. Hobbies don’t have to be some big thing. What do you like to do around your house and with your kid? FWIW, my hobbies are hiking, kayaking, reading, and exploring the area. I’m also spending a lot of time working on fixing and decorating my house, but I don’t mention that is a hobby because the image it creates for many people is not the impression I want to give. After spending years in biglaw, I’m a firm believer that a hobby can be anything you do a few times a year or used to do and want to get back in to.

    3. Yes, you do need hobbies and interests! It will make life more fun. I read, ride horses, ski, bike, backpack, and do other random outdoorsy things. Having good hobbies brings me joy, makes me a more interesting person, and makes it so I can strike up a conversation with a wide variety of people. Try finding a hobby that requires you to show up weekly – it can be a good way to meet people.

    4. Those are hobbies. When I’m asked this question I say reading (mostly recent NYT bestsellers, not great literature), spending time with my family, traveling and baking. Nothing ground-breaking or anything that requires any particular skill, just things I enjoy. Kid(s) + full time job doesn’t leave a lot of time for “serious” hobbies in my experience and if you have one (like triathlons) it’s at the expense of a lot of other down time.

    5. First off, do you need interests? I have a ton of them, some of which are quite niche, and they’re not a particular social asset. In general, I think making friends requires being interested in other people and being well-informed in a way that makes it easy to carry on a conversation.

      But here’s my best advice in pursuit of interest development: What were your high school extra curriculars? What were your favorite courses in college? I think these answers can be an initial guide for developing your adult interests. For instance, if you were on the dance team, would you be interested in becoming a subscriber of your local dance company or in taking an adult dance class? If you loved your writing courses, perhaps you might enjoy joining a writers group at your local library. Your favorite shows might also be a guideline. If you’re into Orange is the New Black, maybe you’re also interested in volunteering for an organization that serves female prisoners. If you’re into period dramas, maybe you’d like a history class at your local community college or learning annex or volunteering at a museum.

    6. I sing in my church’s choir. I work out (not really an interest or a hobby, I just do it to keep from atrophying into an immobile blob). I like doing jigsaw puzzles and building elaborate lego sets. I like going on walks. I like trying new restaurants. I like decorating my house and doing DIY projects. I like container gardening. I like volunteering on boards for my kid’s school. I like being in the junior league. I like listening to podcasts. I like taking baths.

      As far as “discovering” yourself, what things were you into as a kid? Can you do the grown up version? Like if you were into your easy bake oven, take a cake decorating class! Or if you wanted a pony, take horseback riding lessons.

    7. My hobbies are mostly solitary, TBH. Between working full time and raising kids, I don’t have a lot of mental bandwidth for social hobbies. (One can argue that this isn’t a GOOD thing, but whatever.)

      I love being outdoors, especially hiking, running, swimming, and kayaking. I garden. I feel like my work requires a lot of my brainpower, and I really need that balance of being physical and doing something with my hands. Combining different colors and textures of flowers feeds the creative part of my brain, and I get to enjoy those combinations all summer.

      I read. I make no apologies that I read mostly for pleasure and entertainment, and my book choices reflect that. Reading fills me up in a way that TV does not.

      I like to bake on the weekends. Again, it’s all about doing something with my hands and having a process that I can actually complete in a reasonable amount of time and feel good about. I like to share baked goods with people, so maybe that’s a social component? If I don’t have the energy for baking, even browsing through a cookbook is super relaxing and boosts my creativity/desire to keep baking.

      I occasionally go on runs with friends, but I’m mostly a solo cat in this regard.

      I listen to podcasts.

    8. I volunteer with a few animal rescue organizations, including sitting on the BOD for one, and also work with foster kids. We have a lot of animals so a lot of my time goes to caring for them, but I consider them an interest of mine. I read fantasy (vampire/angel/werewolf) novels with strong female leads. I have a dinner club with a group of friends where we pick a restaurant once a month and go out to eat together. I try to take a class every month or two, such as self-defense or a baking class at our local culinary school. I also like going places on the weekends with my husband and son, such as hiking or to local festivals and parades.

    9. When people ask what I like to do I don’t usually respond with a list of hobbies. I just give an anecdote of something I did recently. Like, I enjoy hiking but don’t go that often, so I might respond with “Hiking! A month ago we went to [X] trail” or “Reading! I just finished this great book called [Title].”

      I find that people ask that question as a filler when the conversation is in a lull, so they are really looking for an anecdote to prompt further conversation. I try to respond with something that has natural follow up questions, and then try to jump the conversation off to something we are mutually interested in from there.

      1. Yes to the purpose of the question is to make conversation. So maybe if you love TV, just lean into it: “I love to watch TV! Right now I’m binge-watching The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and OMG the costumes are so amazing!! And it’s so crazy how different the world was back in the late 50s!”

        I mean, if the point is to have a conversation with a stranger, anything can be fodder, right?

      2. Exactly. Saying “I dunno, I watch TV” when you’re asked what your hobbies are shuts conversation down. Saying “I’m currently binging The Man in the High Castle and it’s riveting” doesn’t. You don’t have to have amazingly interesting hobbies, you just have to talk about them in a way that invites conversation.

    10. I read, I volunteer for various boards and some more hands on things, I play video games and computer games and trading card games.

      I’d suggest taking a class like pottery or something. If there is an art studio or centre near you odds are are they have some cheap classes or studio passes where you bring hit stuff and have a space to work.

      It’s good to have a hobby of some sort. Honestly people are constantly surprised by my hobbies but I find them so calming and it’s so nice to be with a completely different crowd.

    11. My best advice is to stop watching tv. It takes up so much time, I used to feel like I never had time to do things. Now I do things and just don’t have much time for tv.

      1. +1. I reserve TV for my commute (when I’m too brain dead to read, but reading is my first choice), for old favorites (Friends, SATC) while folding laundry or cleaning out a closet, or the occasional brief show with my husband on the couch. It’s made a big difference in quality of life. Interestingly, it’s also helped me be less frazzled at the end of a long day. When my home is peaceful and quiet and I’m not listening to blaring commercials or insane sound effects, I’m able to relax more fully.

    12. Animal transport, writing music and poetry. My interests are mostly scalable, you can join a group or do them solo.

    13. I mentioned it yesterday, but swing dancing is my main hobby – lindy hop, balboa, solo jazz, and sometimes shag but it’s not really done that much in my city. West coast swing isn’t my bag, but I respect that for people who like dancing and prefer modern music to the old timey stuff, it’s a perfectly good match for them. I also got into DJing for swing dances and I get to perform every now and then. So that’s my main hobby, although it got a weird reaction in a meeting when we had to go around the room and say what our hobbies were, someone heard “swing” and thought I was gonna say something else . . .

      I’ve also gotten really into fitness as well, and I love doing barre, spin classes, rowing classes, and my boyfriend and I love to go paddleboarding and kayaking in the summer.

      But I also like watching TV and going to the movies, so if TV is your go-to, own it! Think of a show you’re really into and always watch the latest episode as soon as you can, or a show you’re binging and completely addicted to.

  7. I have a generous gift card to Williams Sonoma and am eyeing the Breville smart ovens. The reviews are all from people that are obsessed with these ovens. Does anyone here have one and have insight? We need a toaster, but an air fryer would be a cool feature, too. Not really sure if I’d use the other features. We don’t have a ton of counter space so I was thinking of storing it in the cabinet and pulling it out to use (this is what I did with my old toaster oven). They have a few models but some look clunky and not easy to lift. Any insight is greatly appreciated! TIA!

    1. I have the Breville Smart Oven Air and I love it! We keep ours on the counter and it is used frequently. The air fry feature works really well. We’ve used it for wings, etc. and the kids love it for cooking tater tots or fish sticks or reheating leftover fries. We use it as a toaster almost daily. We bake in it if it’s something small enough (although it’s pretty roomy), especially this summer while it’s been hot because it doesn’t seem to heat the house up as much as the full oven. It also gets up to temperature much more quickly than the full oven. We use the warm feature to hold food as we’re cooking things like pancakes or waffles. And we’ve used the proof feature several times when making yeast breads. We bought it because we wanted an air fryer and also happened to have a dead toaster at the same time, but it’s turned out to be so much more versatile than we expected. Our kitchen will be off limits for some cabinet refinishing later this year, and between the Smart Oven and the Instant Pot I don’t think cooking will be a problem at all. As I mentioned, we keep ours out and I think taking it in and out of a cabinet regularly might be a pain, but despite some initial uncertainty about its size I’m now fine with the cabinet space it’s taking up.

      1. Talk to me more about this — I just started a kitchen reno and am at a loss for family cooking (we just have a toaster at the moment). I was planning to grill a lot, but we have been having late-day storms lately.

        1. Yes please, very curious how people make this work! My parents redid their kitchen when I was a kid in the summer and I remember lots of takeout/grilling/cold dinners (sandwiches, salads/etc.). We’re looking at doing this in the next few years and I’m already a bit apprehensive.

          1. It seems like an Instant Pot could be useful. You can use the sautee function to essentially use it as a pot on an electric burner, pressure cook, slow cook, and you can actually get a special lid for it to use it as an air fryer now.

        2. For a kitchen remodel, I’d def. get a Breville or similar large “counter-top oven” plus a large instant pot. If your pots will work with it, I’d probably get one of those single-burner induction things as well.

        3. We used the grill and a camping burner to cook on inside during our kitchen renovation. We also did not have a sink other than our small bathroom one, so keep that in mind – maybe you have a laundry sink you can use to wash dishes, but you want to make sure dishes you cook on can be washed. Did not use the instant pot because I would have had to wash it in the shower, which seemed terrible.

        4. Just finished a kitchen remodel and we used the grill outdoors and bought a toaster convection air fryer oven to bake things in – we got the Black & Decker for about $40 with some department store coupons and it works great! We are going to keep in in our family room to use for quick bakes or heating up slices of pizza or chicken wings….it works so well that I will also use at the holidays as a smaller extra oven to bake or keep something warm in…..

      2. I already use my Instant Pot a lot to make rice, grains, soups and curries. I often cook fish, chicken or vegetables in the Smart Oven. So I’m planning to make some rice and grain ahead of time and have that on hand. (I’m probably looking at 2 weeks tops of having my kitchen unavailable.) Then I’ll use some combo of the two to cook a protein and veggies each night. I have a crockpot and may throw that in the mix as well. I’m sure we’ll rely more on salad and raw veggies than we usually do, but I can do a lot with those two appliances. More specific ideas in case that’s helpful:
        Chicken Tikka Masala in the Instant Pot with already prepared rice
        Taco meat in the Instant Pot
        Oven Fried Chicken in the Smart Oven, mashed potatoes in the Instant Pot, salad
        Bake fish in the Smart Oven, cook veggies in the Instant Pot
        Soup in the Instant Pot with bread from grocery bakery and/or salad
        Korean beef tacos in the Instant Pot
        Shrimp risotto in the Instant Pot
        Frozen lasagna in Smart Oven
        Pulled pork in crockpot – use for sandwiches, tacos, nachos, etc
        Mexican stuffed peppers in the crockpot
        Frozen pizza dough from grocery and everyone can make their own pizzas to cook in Smart Oven
        Hope that helps! The one thing I’m stumbling over is breakfast, because I like scrambled eggs. Since it should be colder by the time we’re dealing with this, I might make baked oatmeal and use that for the duration.

        1. you can scramble eggs in the instant pot on the “saute” function.
          i survived 1.5 years with the instant pot and the toaster oven cooking like what you’ve noted above. I also had a butane gas burner for when I really needed it, but got away without using it most of the time.

          1. That makes perfect sense – don’t know why I didn’t think of that! Thanks!

        2. Will you have a microwave? If you cook them too long they’ll explode, but when we’re in a hurry we do eggs in the microwave.

    2. We have one – it stays on our counter too. We have the air fryer model (it was a welcome replacement for the GIANT t-fal air fryer). I don’t think it air-frys as well as the t-fal because it doesn’t move the food around. But it does a decent job. As a toaster, I would say it’s fair. We had planned to toss our old-style toaster but we ended up keeping it because the Breville would toast so unevenly. My husband loves it for re-heating things like pizza or appetizers though.
      He has tried to make beef jerky with the food dehydrator recipe. That’s a work in progress. It’s more difficult than expected, because the meat really needs to be cut to a specific thickness and the cook time is key.
      We haven’t cooked in it, but I think it would do a pretty good job. It seems very well-built.

      We don’t move it. After a kitchen reno, we have an amazing pantry area with a countertop dedicated to small appliances. The air fryer model would be too cumbersome to move back and forth when using/not using it, in my opinion. I think Breville makes smaller toaster oven models without the air fry feature though.

    3. I have an older model (circa 2011?) Breville smart oven (so no air fryer), and I love it. We keep ours on the counter, and we use it pretty much every day. Of course, we use it for toast and bagels. But we also use it to roast vegetables, bake potatoes/sweet potatoes, heat up leftovers or frozen meals, bake small batches of cookies, etc.

    4. I’ve had the Breville compact smart oven for years and use it daily (toasting, reheating pizza, roasting vegetables, heating up frozen snacks, etc.) Heats up faster than our oven and the temp is even. Ended up buying one for my parents as a Christmas gift. Couldn’t recommend it more. In terms of size, we keep ours on the counter – it’s not too big or bulky.

  8. Can anyone recommend a good probiotic for women’s health? I think something is “off” (seeing my gynecologist tomorrow), but I also want to see if there’s anything I can do to support healthy flora. Any recs you can get at Whole Foods would be ideal since it’s down the street and I think they’re having a sale on supplements.

    1. I started taking Ultimate Flora Women’s V@g…. Probiotic after dealing with some recurrent issues. I pick it up at Whole Foods. My GP was neutral about whether it was actually doing anything, but I’ll take it regardless because I feel better (even if it’s in my head).

      That said, feeling “off” is pretty non-specific. Maybe wait to get checked out first?

      1. Yeah, I won’t actually take anything until I see her, but I suspect it’s either a yeast infection or BV and I’ve heard there is some promising (although mixed) research on the benefit of probiotics for prevention.

    2. I’ve been taking LoveBug’s “Yeast Is A Beast” with good results, but I think I picked it up at Target!

    3. Look for a probiotic supplement that contains: Lactobacillus rhamnosus GR-1 and Lactobacillus reuteri RC-14 – most of the ones marked as women’s specific or v@g health do, but not all.
      I was told to take this in combination with a saccharomyces boulardii probiotic (separate supplement) as it helps fight yeast and promotes a healthy balance. I’ve found these two in combination work really well for me – I don’t take them all the time any more but definitely any time I start feeling “off”.

    4. My nutritionist recently put me on MegaSporeBiotic from Microbiome Labs. I don’t think she’s targeting anything specific for me on that front so it’s probably a good all-around option for women.

  9. What’s a generally low risk Vanguard index fund? I looked up bluechip (VUWSX) and was surprised it was a 4 on the risk scale. Stock funds are all very low if anyone has money to invest today.

    1. Bluechip is all one industry, so you are not diversified. S&P 500 or worldwide stock market funds should be lower risk.

      1. I am way too heavy in VFIAX (vanguard 500 index fund admiral shares) and vtsax (total stock market index fund admiral shares) so trying to think of something else. (Also in a variety of small-cap funds, and total bond funds.)

        1. You may want to read up on what stocks exactly are in each fund. Your total stock market fund likely already contains a few percent of the same big tech companies that are represented more strongly in the bluechip fund, so that would be the opposite of diversifying.

    2. Low-risk in Vanguard’s methodology means you have a fund that contains some amount of bonds — they’re looking at risk in terms of preservation of capital.

      2. Yup, VBTLX is my lowest-risk fund. (Use VBMFX for investor shares instead of admiral shares.)

  10. Someone here (maybe several someones?) recommended the book All the Ugly and Wonderful Things, so I downloaded it (without reading actual reviews). I got 55% through last night and have to ask – what the ACTUAL F is wrong with you people?!? I have deleted it and am MORTIFIED that I told other people to read it with me based on the recommendation here. I have no words for the level of depravity.

    1. I haven’t read this book, but it has really good reviews on Goodreads (4.1 stars) so clearly it isn’t just this community. Also, who recommends a book they haven’t read!?

      1. I saw the ratings, which is why I went with it. Read the reviews though, and you’ll see what I mean.

        On a more obvious note, “told other people to read it with me” does not mean I recommended it without reading it.

        1. You said you were mortified that you told other people to read it. If you don’t want to be mortified about your book recommendations, read them first to make sure you actually like them. This isn’t rocket science.

          2. Huh? I’m in two book clubs. I don’t understand your comment at all. I was responding to someone who said she was mortified for recommending a book based on comments here when she hadn’t read it. If you don’t want to be mortified about your recs, read the book first!

          3. Anon @10:37am – in your book clubs, people only “recommend” a book they’ve already read and so aren’t reading along with the rest of the group? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?

          4. I don’t view selecting a book for book club as a “recommendation.” To me, recommendation means you tell someone “hey, this book is good – you should read it!”which is silly to do if you haven’t read it. And even with a book club selection, you normally know something about the book, even if you haven’t read it. It takes two seconds to search online and learn this book romanticizes a relationship between an adult man and a very underage girl. Recommending it for book club without taking the time to learn what the book is about is really stupid, and if you wind up MORTIFIED about your selection, you have only yourself to blame, not the Corpor*ttes who recommended it. (I haven’t read the book and have spent less than a minute reading about it online.)

    2. Yeah that’s a horrible book.

      It’s really about metal health problems, child abuse, child neglect and eventually some really predatory and unpleasant gardening.

      I find it really weird that a certain demographic of women find these books appealing. Like do you find pleasure in a child suffering? Who even knows.

      1. My all-women, mostly white, mostly middle class, book club went through a phase of selecting depressing, disturbing books. Some of them are of the school of thought that a beautifully written book about something horrible and traumatic is worth reading because of the beautiful language. I tend to disagree, and stopped reading several of these books before I finished. A friend (who is in the book club) and I still refer to the “eel rape book” with a shudder.

        I guess it’s sort of akin to poverty tourism, except you don’t have to travel.

        1. I find it uncomfortable given what I do (criminal law, mostly defending people charged with sex crimes, often involving children).

          Personally I read a lot of lighter stuff. Much of it you might think is trash but I don’t really care if people respect my reading choices.

          I think there is a lot of sad miserable stuff out there without needing to look for fake miserable stuff. I also 100% think this book deserves some kind of trigger warning and I’m not even a trigger warning kind of person. I just think it’s insensitive to recommend something like this without giving a heads up.

          There are a lot of romance books out there about consenting adult people. Why not read those?

          And I’m not sure about the beautiful writing with this book, it’s manic pixie dream girl but with a side of statutory rape.

          1. Waves from the other side of the courtroom. Prosecutor here, and your words “Personally I read a lot of lighter stuff. Much of it you might think is trash but I don’t really care if people respect my reading choices.”
            is me also. Don’t think I’ve read a serious fiction book in a decade, and no apologies for it. There’s so much ugliness or even depravity in my work that there is no way I will voluntarily immerse myself in it outside of work.

          2. To be clear, I’m not referring to this book as well-written – hasn’t come up in my bookclub yet. But there have been others books that were just about terrible, horrible, tragic things, yet some of my club members were all, But the writing is so beautiful!

            I work in a cancer research-adjacent field, so yeah, I don’t need to read about tragic things during my down time. I tend to like nonfiction, fantasy books involving time travel or supernatural beings residing in our ordinary world, or really light mysteries (nothing graphic).

      2. One summer, I read Still Alice, the Book of Negroes, Glass Castle and We Need To Talk About Kevin. I may not yet have recovered.

        1. My take on books involving violence against women and girls (as well as music, film, art) etc is does it add something?

          Like is there some reason after the multitude of media forms I’ve been exposed to that I need yet another story of a woman or girl being assaulted or sexually assaulted? Does this new book add something new to the conversation?

          And generally the answer is no. In this example the story is actually pretty regressive because it tries to create a world where people see this as a love story or a one time exception to morality.

          I think books about sexual violence and abuse of young girls are over done and over played and that while people can write whatever they like I certainly don’t need to read it.

    3. You need to read books before recommending them though.

      I mean, that’s just not an okay book to just give someone to read. At best they think you’re a weirdo and worst you’ve probably made them feel pretty gross for reading it.

      1. +1 I haven’t read the book because 2 seconds of research told me that the topics were disturbing.

        It’s a little weird to me to suggest to a group that they read a book without knowing anything about it. I get sometimes books have plot lines that are disturbing in unpredictable ways but a basic search about the book would have told you about the general subject matter (I know this because I saw it recommended and looked it up and easily figured out it wasn’t something I wanted to read)

        1. Right. This isn’t some secret plot twist, it’s literally the entire premise of the book and was the first thing I found about the book when I g00gled it based on this thread.

    4. I know nothing about this book, but I don’t understand being mortified to suggest that a friend read it with you. That just seems like such an overreaction. Some times you suggest something and it turns out to be not what you were expecting, such as life.

    5. OP here. To clarify, this was not a book club selection. I saw a few enthusiastic endorsements for the book here and decided to read it based on good experiences with recommendations in the past, and I told a few friends that I was going to do so since we often read books together. I usually don’t look at reviews for books before I read them unless the ratings are terrible. Yes, it’s my own fault for not doing so this time but that isn’t really the point I was making.

      My point is – women on here recommended a book that essentially endorses p3doph!l!a. After now having read the reviews, it doesn’t look like the book redeems itself so what POV am I missing wherein this is okay?

      1. Oh geez, are you the person who was upset about the recent gardening thread? If you don’t like something, that’s fine. You don’t like it. But you don’t need to freak out about what other people like.

        1. I’m not OP, but I don’t think “liking” statutory rape/child molestation is quite the same thing as enjoying k!nky gardening between two consenting adults. This isn’t a sexual proclivity, it’s a crime.

        2. I would not go out of my way to read books where women are objectivized and kinky gardening where a man dominates me is NOT my idea of something I would go out of my way for. I will ask Rosa if she would read this, being married and all, and assuming that it was Ed doing the rough stuff to her, but so far, I have had no indication that she wants any part of that with Ed or with anyone else, tho Rosa has had more men in bed b/f Ed then I ever had.

      2. I think you meant me and my exact comment was “I am reading All the Ugly and Wonderful Thingd and, wowwwww.” That may not have come off right but it wasn’t a “wow this is amazing” it was “wow this is a lot.” The other recommendations in that thread were for romance books that everyone agreed were cute.

        That being said: Books discuss problematic, terrible, and socially unacceptable areas of life. Reading such a book does not, in any way, condone that behavior. Does reading crime fiction or true crime condone murder? Of course not. Does reading about teen suicide condone teen suicide? Of course not. This book handled huge, horrible, miserable, abusive things and the subject matter was serious. Reading that, or even saying you think the book is worth reading, doesn’t mean you’re like “Yes it talked about grooming a child and wow, I just loved it.” Books can be recommended for reasons other than “this book and this story were phenomenal!” If I were recommending this book, which I probably wouldn’t because it’s so specific to the person about if they would want to read it (and yeah why would you recommend something without reading it?), I would say “I read this book and it’s got some very upsetting themes and character development, but I also feel as if it accurately portrayed the overlapping issues with mental health, drug addiction and abuse, poverty, social isolation, and some pretty explicit child abuse. It isn’t a lighthearted book but if you’re looking for a book with big issues and serious topics, it might be worth considering. I would warn you that it does include some child abuse that is pretty upsetting and presented in a way that seems to want to justify it.”

        This is the same reason I may or may not recommend A Little Life.

        1. I think this book and A Little Life are pretty different. I haven’t read ATUAWT, but from the reviews I’ve skimmed the book does appear to be condoning the behavior, and the author has said it’s autobiographical and she views these relationships as a positive thing, not abuse or predatory behavior. That’s pretty f*cked up. A Little Life is entirely fictional and never comes close to endorsing abuse or pedophilia, though I agree the subject matter is brutal and can be hard to read at times.

          1. Right. Not necessarily comparing the books side by side but the kind of “recommendation” (or not, really) that I would give.

    6. “(without reading actual reviews)”

      Well that sounds like a *you* problem. If only there was a great portal out there that could connect us to an unlimited amount of information about all manner of things, including books and their content.

      2. For reals, I mean I guess the person who recommended it here could’ve included some kind of warning like “it’s a bit creepy in parts” or “it touches on some disturbing content” (if that sounds dismissive of how bad it is, I apologize, I haven’t read it) but I’d never buy a book solely on someone’s recommendation without reading up on what it’s about and what sort of content is in it, because I know that just because some people love a book doesn’t necessarily mean I will.

        1. I guess I just don’t empathize with OP at all because I almost always find out what a book is about before I read it, and often read reviews. I mean, they’re right there, especially when you’re getting a book from the internet. That’s why we have spoiler alerts– because we actively need help *avoiding* reviews/summaries.

        2. Pretty sure it was me and I didn’t recommend it I said I was reading it and “wowwwwww” which I meant as “whooooooahhhh its a looooot” not “wow it’s amazing.” Could have made that clear but I didn’t say I recommended it ffs.

  11. Someone here recommended the Five Azuls Beach Resort in Playa del Carmen yesterday – it looks great but I think we’re looking for something closer to a major airport. Has anyone been to the Azul Beach Riviera Cancun (formerly Sensatori Mexico I think) or Azul Beach Riviera Maya? Both are a lot closer to CUN and have similar TripAdvisor reviews.

    1. Adding on – pros and and cons of the Five Azuls in Playa? Is the distance really that big a deal other than getting to and from the airport? I appreciate that is is a substantial distance from everything, but is the theory that you just go with it and give in to spending a week actually doing not much? And which airport? Cancun?

      I hold all of you responsible for sending me down the Spring Break rabbit hole (especially because our preferred school break child care requires full week registration and payment now) and now we are thinking seriously about the Five Azuls. I looked at Spice Island and it looks amazing (plus, surprisingly easy to get to Grenada from my city), but OMG the spend.

      1. I’m the OP at 10:08 – I don’t think the airport distance is a big deal for most people, but we’re traveling with 1 year old twins and live almost 1.5 hours from our “home” airport, so we really like to stay pretty close to the destination airport if possible. The distance definitely wouldn’t be a factor if we were traveling without kids or with older kids.
        Generally when we visit AIs we don’t do much. It’s totally possible to do organized excursions that take you off resort, but 1) you’ve paid for all your meals and any meal you miss at the resort is sort of wasted money and 2) we do more active travel in Europe and within the US, so when we go to an AI in the Caribbean that is our “just chill” vacation.
        Spice Island looked amazing to me too, but not in our budget.

      2. I didn’t read the post yesterday, but have stayed in Azul Fives a couple of years ago. Cancun Airport, yes, it’s about an hour drive, a bit less maybe. Fifteen minute cab ride to Playa del Carmen so I’m not sure the distance is really a problem since if you’re willing to pay for the resort, the cabs are really not expensive. It’s big, so you can spend a lot of time exploring the different pools, go see the animals in the cenote etc.

        My husband has never been a stop and flop kinda guy but he liked this resort because it’s more like a small village. We went on one organised excursion from the resort, and another one in Cozumel, and went into PDC twice during the day and once in an evening, but there is plenty there to keep you busy, especially with kids as they have organised things for them to do.

      3. I’m the one who recommended The Fives. If you don’t have toddlers with you, the drive is really not bad. We used a shuttle service and we had a very pleasant ride to/from the airport. But with 1 year old twins I could see the hesitancy in riding all that way from the airport.

  12. My google skills are failing me. Does anyone know of a good resource (preferably a newsletter, blog, or social media feed rather than a podcast) that summarizes sports news and gives water cooler talking points, specifically geared to people who don’t care about sports at all but who work in offices where it’s an important part of the culture? The more pop culture references (The Bachelor, Ru Paul, Beyonce, etc.) the better so it’s not so painful to digest. Asking for me and several friends.

    1. I’d just follow a few local and national sports reporters on Twitter. I don’t care much about college football at all, but I live in a college town (and state) that’s obsessed with it, and that approach gets me most of the way there. I can have a reasonably intelligent conversation about it even though I truly do not care. I’ll bet ESPN dot com also has digests you can subscribe to.

    2. Why? You don’t care about sports. I refuse to waste my time following something I couldn’t care less about, and don’t care if that leaves me out of a few conversations at work. I’ve found that the guys at work who refuse to discuss any social topics besides sports are also the guys I don’t want to work with because of how they view women.

      1. +1. Why not start more conversations about stuff you care about? Authenticity makes people like you more.

        1. I’d love this type of digest because I’m going to a law school that’s big on football. I’d like to have something to say about football even if its inauthentic because I imagine it will be useful to networking.

    3. I am always best versed in sports news when I’m working out every morning. There is sports coverage as part of the morning news they show on the gym TVs.

    4. This isn’t a newsletter/written form, but the show PTI (pardon the interruption on ESPN) is something that my husband introduced me to that gets me sports news beyond the teams I follow. I think they have a podcast of the TV show. I like the show because it is only about 20 minutes of content and goes into sports stories I otherwise wouldn’t have ever paid attention to, like interesting contract negotiations when I usually just watch the games. I also like the hosts and the show’s format. However, if you want sports highlights in written form, perhaps ESPN alerts on your phone?

    5. So I subscribe to the local paper, and yeah, I can access all I want on their website, but every morning at 5 am they send out a PDF of that day’s *paper* newspaper. I’ve been surprised how much I’ve enjoyed it – there’s something easy about skimming articles, glancing at headlines, perusing and maybe stopping to read an article I wouldn’t have clicked on online, but it’s right there so I’ll read it. You could support journalism and skim sports news in one go.

    6. I think you’re better off bringing up other topics than trying to pretend you care about sports. If you have a few friends in the office maybe you can control the conversation topics there and shift subjects.

    7. Deadspin is basically sports BuzzFeed, if that’s what you’re looking for. The comment section is usually a dumpster fire, though.

      1. Thanks for this. I feel like I need something like this too. (For me it’s to bridge this interest in Sports difference between me & my husband, not so I can fake it, but at least can converse about it).

    8. The five thirty eight newsletter may be helpful. It has a lot of sports stuff that could give you some “fun fact” type things. I have no idea whether it’s myopic or not as I don’t care about sports at all.

    10. I think you are looking for The Skimm. I signed up and ended up not reading very much because I was generally already reading about what made it into their newsletter, but I think you are exactly who they had in mind when making it.

  13. Repost from last week: My sister and I are going to Iceland sans husbands at the end of September – excited for a trip without small children! Any advice for hotels, things to see, tours to take? Thanks to those who responded so far.

    1. For general advice on structuring your time, I think Rick Steves does an awesome job (he often includes itineraries for short / medium /longer stays).

    2. I just came back from Iceland! How long is your trip? Unless your time is very limited, I would recommend limiting time in Reykjavik (I’d say two days is plenty) and renting a car. The tours will get you through the greatest hits in a single day, but in general it will be you and 50 other people on a giant bus with no flexibility in what you do/see. Renting a car was the best choice I made.

      Things I really enjoyed in my road trip along the south coast: Hveragerdi (which has a little geothermal park in the town) and the hike to the Reykjadalur valley/geothermal river; the Solheimsjokull glacier, Vik (awesome brewery and access to black sand beaches, hikes, sea caves, etc.). Also, the town of Hvolsvollur, which is on Highway 1 near the Hekla volcano – if you turn off of Highway 1 at the major intersection in that town (Fljotshildarvegur) that road will take you about 15km along the valley between the Hekla and Eyafjallajokul (sp?) volcanoes – it’s incredibly beautiful and there are a million waterfalls along the roadside you can visit and there will be basically zero tourists. And then you can connect back to Highway 1 via the extremely well-maintained gravel road that you’ll encounter on the right before you hit the airstrip.

      In Reykjavik, I enjoyed Videy (island in the harbor you can reach by a 5-minute ferry) and the National Museum is excellent.

      If I’d had more time I would have gone to the Westfjords and to Akureyri in the north.

        1. Does your flight arrive first thing in the AM? It does for a lot of cities. If so, here’s how I’d structure your time:

          -Go to the Blue Lagoon when you arrive (it’s really close to the airport, which is NOT close to RK, so you want to do this on arrival or departure). Airport Express or Airport Direct to your hotel, drop bags, spend the rest of the day in Reykjavik. See the National Museum and maybe the Settlement Exhibition. Go for a walk on the waterfront. Eat at the Sea Baron.
          -Day 2 – pick up a rental car and road trip along Highway 1 to Vik (about 90-100 miles total). Visit Geysir (which is a ways off of HIghway 1, but is extremely cool), some of the waterfalls along the way, Solheimsjokull or Myrdallsjokull (glaciers that have hikes/snowmobile options), basically anything marked as a landmark. Stay overnight in Vik.
          -Day 3 – I didn’t go past Vik, but I would keep driving out to Vatnajokull National Park, and stay out that way. There’s tons more cool stuff to see.
          -Day 4 – drive back to RK, stopping along the way at the stuff you didn’t stop at before because there is SO MUCH AWESOME STUFF. Maybe hit Thingvellir, for example. Stay in RK that night. Eat Indian or Thai or something bc you’ll be really tired of Icelandic food probably.

          Or you can base yourself in RK and stick to prearranged one-day group tours but you’ll need to have a high tolerance for that kind of experience.

      1. Thirding a glacier hike. Went in January this year so it was snow covered, but I think it’d be amazing any time of year.

    4. I’ve been for a long weekend in winter when we booked tours and a summer ring road trip we drove ourselves. If it’s a long weekend I’d suggest using one of the group that do mini bus tours not a coach and do the golden circle and south coast tours. We just wandered Reykjavik in the evenings rather than a full day. I loved the horse riding and also Jökulsárlón but it might be too far if your are based in Reykjavik. I also really liked the blue lagoon but it is touristy. Beware when buying knitwear, only some is knitted/woven in Iceland a lot of the wool is sent to China to be made into things abroad.

    5. I just got back from a 5 day solo trip to Iceland last week! I agree with not spending too much time in Reykjavik, but I enjoyed the city more than I thought I would. One day was enough. If you have time there, I really liked the walking food tour I did with Wake Up Reykjavik. It was a nice way to hit some of the “must eats.” For the rest of my time, I did a small group (11 people) tour through Nordic Visitor that was really good- we hit all the highlights along the south coast (at least a far east as the glacier lagoon/Diamond Beach), as well as the Golden Circle. It was a great way to maximize my time, and our guide was great. Along with all the amazing scenery, my favorite part was our stay at the Magma Hotel on the south coast- so cute! That tour was 3 days, but they also coordinated my transport to and from the airport and a stop at the Blue Lagoon on my first day. Blue Lagoon was more relaxing than I thought (I was there on a weekday morning) although the locker rooms were chaotic. Another “touristy” thing I did was go to an ice bar in Reykjavik. It was gimmicky, but a memorable experience! Have fun!

      1. second this.. i also responded last week. i would do a 2 day tour out to the lagoon because you’ll hit the sights without having to do the drive.

        i’ve done it twice and while i love it, and love it out there, I don’t love the drive when you’re tired from a red-eye.

    6. My husband and I went to Iceland and even got engaged there so it holds a special place in my heart. We loved it so so much.
      We went in late April so similar “shoulder” season. The people are super friendly and speak excellent english. Food is not so great and pretty expensive, but they are an arctic island so what do you expect.
      Go to Vik. See the gorgeous black sand beach and the drive there from Reykjavik is awesome.
      If you’re ok with a little trek, go find the crashed airplane. It’s cool and creepy.
      Also check out the hot springs Seljavallalaug. The little hike there is worth the views and it’s in this amazing valley with gorgeous blue water in the stream next to it.
      Gulfoss and Seljalandsfoss are both worth the trip, but beware of dodging crowds
      Also recommend a couple hours at Thingvellir. We did not do the diving between the plates, but saw lots of people doing it and it looked amazing (but frigid).
      We were there for 5 days I think and kept busy. We were based out of Reykjavik which limited us to where we could drive in a given day (it was part of a tripmasters package we bought). I would recommend a rental car, but be prepared to pay a bit for parking in town (it wasn’t super expensive since evening street parking where we stayed were free). You don’t need a 4×4
      Enjoy! It is so rugged and gorgeous, and I am already planning my return trip!!!

  14. I have my eye on the Dagne Dover Signature Tote and am between the classic and midi size. Mostly worried the classic size would look too big on my petite frame (I’m 5’0″). I don’t have to carry a laptop back and forth to work either. But part of me also thinks bigger would be better just in case. Thoughts?

    1. I order this and LOVED it. I ended up returning it because I got the smaller size, but I’m 5’8″. Get the small one.

    2. I’m also 5’0″ and I have the Classic and I think it looks too big with my frame and I tend to carry a smaller, lighter Everlane bag instead of the Dagne Dover due to size/weight.

    3. I really like my midi, and find I can comfortably put a 13″ MacBook in the main compartment. I carry it as a purse some days (like when I’m at a client’s office, since I can throw in extra stuff as needed). I had to return my Classic size, because it was sagging in the corners after 1 week, which apparently is a common defect. But I’d suggest looking at the Allyn. For me, its the *perfect* work bag/purse and I feel like it doesn’t look too big on me, ven in the medium size (I’m 5’3″).

  15. I’m heading back to work in six weeks after maternity leave and my husband and I are trying to figure out logistics of our meals. We both love to cook and currently make dinner three or four nights a week, have leftovers one or two nights, eat out on the weekends, and try to bring lunch 3 times a week (usually going out one day with friends/coworkers and having some sort of lunch meeting the other day). For those of you who do some amount of meal prep – how much time does it actually take you (e.g., 4 hours on Sunday and then only 20 minutes each night when you get home?). Four two adults and one infant, what kind of meals are you making? I know there are lots of blogs that have meal prep on them, but I’m curious what really people with demanding jobs actually do so that you don’t feel like you’re cooking all the time but also aren’t eating out all of the time.

    1. We gave up on bringing leftovers for lunch, which we used to do a lot pre-kids. Here’s how it generally works for us: we cook big meals both Saturday and Sunday, eat leftovers M/Tues, easy dinners at home (slow cooker, microwave etc.) W/Th, take out Friday. Our young kids go to sleep so early that there just isn’t time on a weeknight to actually cook.

    2. I am just getting into cooking more at home and still hate prep work/meal prep, so I don’t have a good metric to add, but I do have a book recommendation: Cook Once, Eat All Week. It’s not FULL ON meal prep but does make it much easier to cook several times during the week. The first recipe was a bust (turns out cauliflower rice is great but broccoli rice is gross) but the second was amazing!

    3. I do most all actual cooking on Sundays. I make 3 big dishes, and it takes about 3 hours. During the week, the only cooking that is done is roasting vegetables. Because my kids eat so early (5:45 pm/6 pm), I have no time to do any real cooking during the week. Good luck!

    4. With baby 1 I did a lot of meal prep during his weekend naps, but ended up resenting the time. Now with baby 2 and a non napping 4 year old we usually cook after bedtime on weekdays and eat it the next day

    5. All of my weeknight meals are relatively simple, so a big prep has never proven itself to be worthy of my precious weekend time. A typical example of meals might be a pasta, tacos or quesadillas of some kind (shrimp, chorizo and black beans, chicken, whatever needs to be cooked that day), stir fry, pulled pork (crockpot) and a simple chicken dish with two basic sides. Each of those takes about 30 minutes to make and prep is minimal. I reserve the pinteresting meals for weekends.

    6. This is something we sucked at for a long time. Here’s what I wish we would have done, not necessarily what we did.

      1. Meal prep. Wish we had done this years and years ago. I make something in the Crock Pot on Sundays (usually it is a completely self-contained meal, like pot roast and veggies), or we grill or roast meat and veggies and package that up. (Sheet pan recipes are great for meal prep if you up the quantities and use two sheet pans.) We don’t divide by how many lunches we think we need, we portion out reasonable portions and sometimes we end up with more lunches than we need. These either go into the freezer and used as needed or are eaten the same week as dinners. We spend maybe 15-20 minutes on prep and then maybe 30 minutes on packaging up everything when we do a crock-pot meal; it’s a little longer (not much) if we grill or roast. This saves so, so, so much time and effort and agitation. It would have helped so much when our son was a baby. Instead of doing meal prep we went long stretches eating Hot Pockets or Marie Callender pot pies from Costco for dinner. Not good. I still can’t eat pot pie, I got so sick of it.

      Example meals we make: crockpot roast + root veggies + new potatoes; grilled chicken with polenta and roasted green beans; roasted pork loin with applesauce and roasted broccoli; crockpot beans and rice topped with cheese and salsa. We also do grain bowls with brown rice, baby spinach, chopped roasted beets, grilled chicken, roasted broccoli, and pepitas or walnuts with a maple dijon dressing I make at home.

      The one thing I will say about meal prep: it’s easier when you get all the supplies together and keep them in one place in the kitchen; you have to be disciplined about putting things away. I got a stack of glass meal prep containers from A mazon and I keep the containers and the lids together in one drawer in the kitchen. I also got little containers for dressing, reusable sets of cutlery in holders, and some mason jars. Get a crock-pot and some good sheet pans (I like USA Pan on A mazon) if you don’t have those already. Getting decent insulated lunch bags with icepacks also helps – we have several JaxxPaks that I got on sale.

      2. If you don’t want to do individual meal prep, I would recommend doing “component meal prep” which is where you make components of meals so you can throw together easy meals during the week. Shutterbean has a blog where she shows what she does for component meal prep; I think she says it takes her 2-3 hours on a Sunday to get everything done. She makes grilled or roasted meat and chops it, makes muffins, preps salad ingredients, pre-cooks pasta, etc. If you do this you may need to buy enough food storage containers to hold a week’s worth of food; I like Pyrex glass containers with the plastic lids.

      3. You just need to feed yourself and your husband for now, you won’t have to worry about the baby for a while yet. If you are nursing, make sure you’re getting enough high-quality calories from all your meals to keep your milk flow going. It will be tiring going back for lots of reasons, so I think emphasizing whole foods and good nutrients and eating enough food is important. Quick convenience foods will fill you up but they won’t keep you going.

    7. The infant stage was easy and we really did not change how we cooked or ate all that much.

      Sunday meal prep was 2+ hours plus shopping. We made an effort to do meals that we could eat on at least three times and sometimes four (chili, lasagna, roast chickens, pot roast, enchiladas, chicken tinga, pork tenderloins, something braised, etc.). We often went out on Tuesdays or Wednesdays; The Kid would stay asleep in the pumpkin seat and we could have 7:00 p.m. (or even 9:00 p.m. after I had a nap) dinner somewhere. Thursday has long been sandwich night in our house; we have a whole repertoire of panini that take about 15 minutes to toss together (simple if you keep proscuitto, fontina or mozz and condiments like sun-dried tomatoes, pesto, roasted garlic, etc. in the house) and would serve with green salad, purchased pasta salad or tater tots. Friday generally is happy hour (now renamed “toothpick supper”) – meats, cheeses, crackers, marinated veg, and either cold shellfish (shrimp, crab claws) or something prepared we can pop in the oven (stuffed portobello caps, crab cakes).

      This all becomes more difficult once you approach the toddler stage (purees are a mess, toddlers feeding themselves is a bigger mess, The Kid outgrew the pumpkin seat, and peaceful restaurant dinners became out of the question) and the 3s to 5s when we experienced the difficulties with a kid palate where he often would not eat what we eat (plus there was not enough time between the end of daycare and bedtime to go out). I fully admit that we did more prepared food/pizza at that stage and kept the fixings for quesadillas or mac’n’cheese plus fish sticks on hand at all times.

      In both of those stages, packing lunches was a project, but worth it if it meant we did not have to leave our offices to pick up food. Successes were Mason jar salads that we could put together on Sunday and eat through the week, leftovers that we portioned out into lunch containers at the end of dinner, and the lunch version of happy hour (meat and cheese cubes in a container, carrots or broccoli in a container, some kind of fruit, plus crackers that stayed at the office and maybe some nuts or granola from a big Costco container for a snack). Everything else was a pain.

      Words of encouragement: now well into grade school, The Kid now eats more or less like a normal human and eats what we eat. We do resort to frozen foods for him sometimes (TJ’s char siu buns, potstickers, soy corndogs all with a veg and a fruit) so that we can eat spicy once in a while, but otherwise it’s one meal for the whole family (and The Kid even helps with prep and dishes now some as well). Lunches also have gotten easier; The Kid brings lunch a couple times a week, so we almost always have sandwich fixings and an assortment of fruit/cut up veg/snacks on hand that I can toss into a lunch bag (The Hubs prefers lunch out most days).

      Good luck!

    8. i have twin toddlers. i usually spend about 2-4 hours on a sunday prepping while the kids are awake and DH is playing with them – usually first thing in the morning. a lot of my prep is actually food for them bc at this stage they eat too early/DH gets home too late for family dinners. while it costs a bit more, i am leaning into more pre cut veggies. the amount i do on the weekends depends partially on my mood and partially on whether i anticipate DH will be home to help with bedtime during the week (ie how tired i will be after). for work lunches i’ve been doing a lot of bagged salads or nourish bowls, which are less expensive than buying lunch but can be more expensive than making your own. whenever MIL comes to visit, she usually makes us 4 things we can freeze ( lasagna, meatloaf, grilled chicken, chili, meatballs, etc.).

  16. I’ve decided I should drink less, but my social and professional lives are both pretty booze-heavy. I go out a couple of times a week intending to have one drink but inevitably end up drinking two or three or four over the course of an evening. I drink water in between and am not getting drunk. But this is still way to much alcohol by any metric. Does anyone have any good advice for changing this habit? Preferably without opting out of my regular life?

    1. If I don’t want to have more than one drink, I’ll order a beer, which is bigger than a glass of wine/cocktail so it takes longer to drink, and since I find beer very filling, I usually don’t want to have more than one. I can throw a glass of wine back like it’s nothing, so this helps. My other strategy is a very strong cocktail of pure alcohol (no mixers or juice) which I’m forced to sip slowly.

      1. This is a good advice, alternatively a cider can work well if OP isn’t a beer drinker. I’ve also found bubbly drinks to be helpful in forcing me to slow down.

    2. Oh, lord a typo. Way “too” much alcohol. I’m not currently drunk and/or illiterate.

    3. I’ve been finding it enormously helpful to order Sprite or a mocktail. I’m not a big soda drinker, so I’m not tempted to just drain it and go through 2-4 Sprites, but it gives me something different to sip on. I’ve also decided that I’m the kind of person, like you, who’s going to say “to hell with it” and order a second drink when I’m out if it’s the start of the evening. So I know that approach doesn’t work for me. But does work is for me to order a Sprite throughout dinner and then if I really want something, get a drink with dessert. That cuts down on 2 drinks during dinner for me.

      1. Also, I’ve been finding it helpful to mark days on a big wall calendar in my office. I give myself a check if it was a 100% sober day, and a star if I went to the gym. Seeing checks and stars is really motivating and sometimes my husband will playfully ask me if I want a check if I’m considering have a glass with dinner (which I find to be a supportive but non-judgy way to support my goals). It also shows you in aggregate how many days you’re drinking (which for me was too much). You could also write the number of drinks to track as well. It was really eye opening for me to see how going to multiple social events per week would really add up. Another good thing to keep in mind is if you’re following the American Psychiatric Society’s low risk drinking guidelines, which is no more than 7 drinks per week for women, AND no more than 3 drinks on any given day during the week.

      2. Similarly, I read on here once a tip to order a drink you don’t really like. You won’t be tempted to guzzle it and order another.

        1. Sounds like a major waste of money. Cocktails cost $12-20 or more in my city. Is it THAT hard to just decline?

          1. Well, but if the goal is to avoid invasive questions as well as not get rip-roaring drunk, wouldn’t that accomplish the goal and be therefore a perfectly good use of the money?

          2. Sure, but you can accomplish the goal with a free glass of water too. Or just shut down invasive comments – they’re the ones being rude, not you.

          3. Yes they are being rude but it also doesn’t mean that spending money to avoid having to have that interaction is insane.

    4. 1) Give yourself permission to order something else that is caloric or indulgent. Mocktail, fancy soda or coffee, etc. At home, I drink kombucha and it seems to meet the criteria of tasty and different.
      2) For the psychological piece, look at some of the blogs/social media/books/podcasts by Laura McKowen, Annie Grace (This Naked Mind), or Holly Whitaker. You don’t have to give yourself labels or decide to abstain all together, but it’s nice to hear alternative voices to “rose all day” and bozze-dependant messaging that is prominent in many circles.

      1. This sounds nice until your phone is dead and you’re stuck with no way to get home. Take a credit card for safety, so at least you can grab a cab and pay for it.

    7. The key here is after your first drink, get a fizzy mocktail or diet coke/ sprite with lime if you’re concerned with calories. No one will notice or ask why you’re not drinking because you’ve already had the one you planned and it looks like an alcoholic drink. But also, fizzy mocktails are delicious so there is no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy a delicious drink with everyone simply because it doesn’t have alcohol. If you want to stick with water, go with a lacroix, mineral water with lime and/or cherries, or something similar if the bar has it. Drinking plain water at a bar while everyone else is enjoying drinks kind of feels sucky and uncelebratory.

      1. I hear people express concern all the time about their friends/acquaintances asking why they’re not drinking and how it’s better to have a mocktail in hand in advance. Is this actually a real problem? I’ve declined to drink many times (not feeling like it) and no one has EVER asked me why. I’ve also never asked anyone else why. Maybe I’ve just been spared from people’s bad manners, but I guess my point is that you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to waste money on some mocktail you probably don’t even want because most people probably don’t care what you’re doing.

        1. It was a very common question I received in my 20s, most from other 20-somethings I was hanging out with and mainly, but not exclusively, from guys. I’ve gotten it less in my 30s, but I also drink more now, others drink less, and I hang out with a different crowd. It wouldn’t surprise me if it continued depending on the crowd.

        2. It’s very common, in my experience. People love to speculate about the pregnancy status of any woman who is married and between the ages of 25 and 40.

        3. It depends. In my peer group asking is somewhat common– usually as a ‘veiled’ way of asking if someone is pregnant. We’re all in our early 30s so it’s that time and because we’re pretty close it doesn’t feel invasive. Or, people just want to make sure you’re feeling okay. I think it depends on your friends– my friends would never pressure anyone to drink if they didn’t want to for any reason, and the question is pure curiosity, ‘what’s going on in my friend’s life.’ But other groups might. Like my colleagues, for example. So the non-drinker has to respond to peer-pressure and be made to feel like a party pooper. I feel like everyone has a certain level of comfort with answering that question. For me, I’d happily tell friends I wasn’t drinking because I’m bloated and tired and a light weight but I wouldn’t tell even some of my closest friends that it was because of some new anti-depressant. I wouldn’t tell my colleagues either of those things and would prefer to get a mocktail. Someone who is struggling with alcoholism does not need to be pressured to drink and if a mocktail can stave off any of that, it’s worth it.

          1. I feel like it’s never appropriate to ask if someone is pregnant, even in a veiled way among friends. If someone wants to tell you that they’re pregnant – they will! And if they aren’t offering the information, they probably don’t want to or aren’t ready yet (even if you’re their friend). I find it best to just make zero comments about another adult’s behaviour – no questions or out loud observations about why someone isn’t drinking.

        4. Yeah this happens and I’m a fan of diet coke or club soda with lime because of it. Otherwise you get the j@ck@$$ overgrown frat boy partner that stands next to you for 30 seconds, notices you’re drinking something non-alcoholic, and loudly comments about you being a wimp, wet blanket, can’t keep up, etc. And if you try to stand your ground or tease him back it’s completely counterproductive since annoying him is a career limiting move.

          Sigh.

          1. Yup. People are so weird about drinking. If I’m not drinking for whatever reason I try to have a drink in hand that isn’t obviously non-alcoholic to avoid the annoying questions/comments.

        5. I find it draws attention/gets questions at work events, and it’s difficult to find a good way to say “I’m not drinking because I’m driving, you irresponsible drop kick.” That may not be in issue if you live in a major city and/or have good public transport (neither of which apply to me).

      2. I’d edit this (for me) to say make the alcoholic drink the last or second-to-last (if you’re driving) drink, and start the night with mocktails or soda. After one drink, I want to keep the buzz going, so it’s hard not to order another.

    8. Order a water or non-alcoholic beverage at the same time you order a straight alcohol drink. For example, I will order a high-end bourbon or scotch neat. I like bourbon, and I am learning to like scotch, but I don’t love it straight, so it takes me a while to finish a drink via small sips and I end up drinking the other thing (usually water) in between sips.

    9. This might not be at all what you’re looking for, but I read the book Sober Curious by Ruby Warrington when I was in a similar position (felt I was drinking a little too much/too often but didn’t want to stop completely). I thought it was an interesting perspective.

    10. Honestly, I’m working with a therapist to address my drinking. I appreciate you starting this thread because I need practice tips.

      I’ve been starting with water and alternating. I’m also going to try to make a game of seeing how little of my drink I can sip.

  17. My husband and I are planning to move to Denver in early- to mid-2020, for his job. I’m an attorney (7th year) and was hoping the wise hive can provide some insight into the legal market. I understand it’s hard to break into, especially from out-of-state, but how tight it is? Differences between in-house (L&E) or private (w/ no portable business)? Any suggestions for a relocating job search? TIA!

    1. Take it with a grain of salt but a recruiter a few years ago told me it is one of the top 5 hardest legal markets in the US, simply because it is a small market that has its own law schools PLUS so many people interested in moving in that it can’t absorb everyone. Firms there have huge preferences for the U Colorado grad that has lived there his/her whole life, rather than the New Yorker who is just coming for the Colo lifestyle. BUT that being said — I don’t know a ton of people and I know 3 who have gone there from NYC biglaw in the last 7 years — all 3 went to firms and had no business (and was one a senior like you –7th-8th yr; one was a 6th yr; one was more junior like 3-4th year). On the 8th year went to a branch office of a biglaw firm (very tiny branch office) and then later moved on to the SEC there; the 6th yr went to a regional firm and within a year moved in house there; and the 3rd yr went to a regional firm and is still there. I think getting the foot in the door is the hard part but after that you can move around within the market — so it’s a matter of just taking the first thing you get even if it isn’t what you want.

      1. I similarly have no real helpful advice. I’ve always heard it is super hard to break in to the Denver market, but I know one person who seemed to do it with no problems. In his case, his wife’s sister and BIL lived in Denver, so he just stressed that he was moving to the area to live near his in-laws. It explained why he didn’t previously have a connection with the area, why he wanted to live there, and I think people assumed he meant his parents-in-law (instead of a sister-in-law) and that they would therefore be staying in the area long-term.

        Personally, I would try to stress that you are already moving there for a relocation of your husband’s job and to make it sound like it will be a permanent move, instead of a temporary move.

  18. Totally random question that’s out of season but I figured someone would know — are flu shots only good for a certain amount of time? I feel like I always get one around Thanksgiving — on the thinking that it’s late enough in the season that coverage will last thru April/May. But I just made a dr. appt for a physical in late Aug/early Sept. Assuming that they have flu shots by then (some years they do), they will push for me to get one. It’s obviously convenient for me to do it while I’m there so I don’t have to go back 2 months later or find a CVS or whatever, but is that “too early” in the year? IDK where this thinking re wait until a bit later in the season came from or if it’s something I just made up?

    1. No, but they are only good for certain strains of the flu. The more flu shots you get through your life the more strains of the flu you’re immune to. The reason why they come out with new ones each year is to try to combat the strains that are most likely to strike during “flu season”. So you want to go ahead and get the shot towards the beginning of flu season to give your body time to build immunity.

    2. It’s a thing, but unless you are high risk or have a high-risk person in your immediate live-in family, I wouldn’t worry about it. I’ve gotten the flu two years in a row after getting the shot anyways…(and I got sick early in the season, so it wasn’t that it wore off). Ugh.

      1. It only protects against some strains of the flu and some years they’re better than others at identifying those ahead of time. However, research shows that even if you aren’t vaccinated against the strain of the flu you catch, your symptoms are less severe than if you weren’t vaccinated. So vaccination can actually help even if you do get the flu.

        The flu also kills. You can be contagious before you show any symptoms- for up to a day. If you are around people who can’t be vaccinated during that time, you could give them the flu. Even if you don’t feel sick.

        I have a chronic health condition but can be vaccinated and was in 2017, but I caught the flu anyway. It took me out of commission for two full weeks and I was on IV antibiotics for another 4 weeks. I can’t imagine it being worse than it was- if I hadn’t been able to be vaccinated and caught it from someone who may not have even known they were sick, I could easily have died.

        Please vaccinate. It takes so little time and effort.

    3. My understanding is that ideally, you want it between Columbus Day (Thanksgiving in Canada) and Thanksgiving. At that point, they’re close to knowing the most likely strain for that season, the timing is right for maximum coverage through flu season, and you’ve got enough of a buffer for it to be effective in time for peak flu.

      That being said, any flu shot is better than no flu shot. Are you the person who will go out of your way to get a flu shot between 10/15 and 11/26 or so? If not, get the shot when you can.

      1. The CDC says you should get it by the end of October ideally. The composition of the vaccine is only updated once a year, so it’s the same no matter when you get it (as long as it’s for the same year’s season). The only issue with getting it too early is that your antibodies will wane.

        I would get it then unless you KNOW you’ll be on top of getting it later.

    4. I read a bit on the flu vaccination – the types of viruses or strings may change from one season to another and this is why pharma companies wait until the very last moment to decide which combo they will produce for the “new season”. Then it is mixed and sent to pharmacies and doctors end summer/beg September. It may take up to 2 weeks for a vaccine to build antibodies, so it is recommended to get the vaccine 2-3 weeks head of estimated start of flu season (each country does a statistical tracking, in my Eastern European country, I get flu shots first week of September). The vaccine is then effective for 6-9 months (individual). I found that if I get the flu despite flu shots, the whole flu has a much lighter and faster course.
      I usually combine the flu shot with other vaccination (provided my GP approves), so that it does not feel like a waste of time.

  19. Heading to Dublin later this week – any favorite spots (eating, drinking, passing the time)? Thank you!

    1. If you’re looking for something other than a pub, Peruke & Periwig is a c*cktail bar with delicious drinks and great ambience!

      1. I’ve had a lot of ice cream in a lot of places and I am pretty confident that Murphy’s is, in fact, the best ice cream on the planet.

  20. I might as well be asking for a crystal ball, but do y’all think the stock market is going to calm down a bit over the next couple of weeks? I don’t typically keep a close eye on it since we’re investing for the long term, but we’re in a month long trading window where DH can sell stocks from his employer. He can’t sell during certain times of the year because of insider trading rules and his positing in the company. We were planning on selling a bunch of stock during this window and diversifying, but it looks like the stock market went down dramatically in the last week. Does anyone who watches the market more carefully have any insight?

    1. Take this with a giant grain of salt, but my FIL works in investment and is predicting a major recession in the next 12-18 months.

      2. He and everyone else. As someone who graduated in the last recession, I’m pissed. Now that I’m FINALLY making some money, interest rates are cut again (bye nice gains in my saving account) and the stock market is going to crash sooner than later.

        1. Which will be a buying opportunity, no? If you graduated 10 years ago, you’re what — 32ish or 35-36ish if it was grad school? Aren’t you still in the accumulation stage of your life?

          Plus it’s been 10 years since the last recession, did you think the expansion would last forever?

        2. Relax. You have lots of time. A “crash” in the stock market also means a great buying opportunity, especially for someone your age.

      3. Yeah, everyone is saying that a recession is coming soon. But I also feel like I’ve been hearing that for at least a year, so … who knows?

        1. Agreed. I mean there is going to be a recession at some point because there always is. The question is when will it hit.

    2. It’s going to be volatile. It’s an escalation of the trade war with China weakening its currency yesterday. I don’t think this selloff is done yet despite the relief bounce today which is already waning. I’d look for it go get down to at least 2757-2770 or thereabout which is around the support for the Dec. lows before we see any sustainable upswing again. Not sure what to tell you — can you not just watch the market daily and sell some on an up day? I mean we are still fine — as of yesterday’s close we are still up 13.48% YTD so it’s not like you’re down overall.

    3. I work in finance. The stock market is really tied right now to fears that the US-China trade dispute will cause a recession (or make an inevitable recession worse). Based on what I have been hearing in the news over the past couple of days, the trade dispute or “war” seems to be escalating. So I would suggest there is not a great deal of optimism.

      Also, the institutional investors such as mutual fund portfolio managers, hedge funds, private equity, tend to take the last two weeks of August off for holiday in large numbers. Frankly, based on the number of “out of office” messages I’m getting, this has already started. So the market will likely be thinly traded until after Labour day / Labor day. To me this reduces the probably of a rally even further – I don’t think we will see “deep value” buying until the humans come back to their trading desks. Algorithmic trading doesn’t tend to have the same risk tolerance or foresight.

      1. What can “ordinary” people (by that I mean people who don’t have investments other than retirement funds) do, if anything, to mitigate loss? Is it prudent to reduce 401(k) contributions (assuming the match is unaffected) to pay debt more aggressively, or is that not a good idea?

        1. Keep contributing to 401(k), reign in extra spending and dump into savings to keep you afloat if you are in a lay-off prone area, and if you fare okay, use that extra money to buy up cheapened stocks. Otherwise, there isn’t much you can do.

        2. Long-term, you can move more from volatile equities to lower volatility investment products as you get closer to retirement. In theory, you won’t mind the volatility in your earlier investing years because you will have such a long time horizon to recoup any losses. And you’ll benefit from theoretical (or average) higher returns. As you get closer to retirement, you will want to protect your investment to avoid having to sell assets in a down market – remember, if you’re not selling the assets, you haven’t realized any losses (although it can definitely feel that way sometimes).

          In Canada we have products which are tailored to an investor’s timeline – more risky to less risky. My new employer offers some for our staff retirement plan, and I think it’s a great way to make sure I maintain an appropriate portfolio balance.

          Otherwise, just hang on and try to ignore the near-term fluctuations. Easier said than done, I know.

          1. We have that in the US too – you enter your expected retirement year and it divides your portfolio appropriately between stocks and bonds.

  21. I’m in the market for a new wallet. In the past, I’ve always had tri-fold wallets with a snap you undo to open the wallet that then lays out flat. A lot of wallets now seem to be a zip-around type. For those of you who have tried both types, which do you prefer? What are the pros/cons of a zip around wallet versus a tri-fold? Are there things I should think about when deciding which type would best fit my needs? Also, any recommendations for specific wallets you love are welcome (especially those $150 or under).

    1. I’m no help on zip-around vs tri-fold as I think I’ve always had tri-fold and like that style. But if you’re in the market, most of my wallets come from Hobo. I love them and they last forever.

    2. I have a Michael Kors zip wallet with a detachable handle. I like it because I can carry the wallet solo if needed, like if I have a big bag and need to run into a store for a quick purchase.

    3. I’ve always had smaller trifolds too, like the 4.5” size. I recently bought a lovely 7.5” zip around and damn if I couldn’t get everything in it, so I’m back in the trifold. I have a tendency to not snap it closed so coins and cards end up in the bottom of my bag, so I just have to be more disciplined. I was hoping the zip around would act as a catch for all the stuff.

      1. Yeah, I’m also concerned I won’t be able to fit everything I have in my wallet right now into a zip around, because my current wallet seems to bulge out more than the zip-arounds would allow. But, maybe that just means I have too much junk in my wallet and need to cull…

    4. Check out Dagne Dover’s Slim Wallet. It holds a ton, and folds in half – I love it for every day and for travel as well.

    5. I got a Carre Royal wallet on a whim at a museum gift shop a few years ago and absolutely love it. It’s bi-fold with a little elastic strap that holds it shut, and the inside has space for bills, cards, and a coin pouch that snaps shut. The leather is buttery soft and the wallet hs held up really well over the years.

    6. I prefer zip around, but it seems hard to find these days! My zip around of 10 years died and I actually replaced it with a beautiful Chanel flap wallet…but i hate that coins fall out!!

      1. Thanks for the replies and recs so far, everyone. Speaking of coins falling out- I’ve looked at a few wallets (online, not in store) that seem to have no zipper pouch for coins anywhere and am befuddled by them. I realize most people use credit cards almost exclusively now, but still, there are times when I need coins (e.g. to pay parking meters in my town where we still have the old coin-operated ones). Is this a thing, or are the coin pouches just hidden somewhere I can’t see from the photos online?

  22. It appears I am being ghosted by a man I have been getting to know/dating for about 3 months. The relationship was on a very slow track and I am not particularly upset that we won’t be pursuing it. I am already pursuing other options. I am alarmed by the ghosting, though, given that we have had a very strong dialogue and underlying friendship throughout. Nothing bad happened between us, he’s just not that into it, not really ready to date (at least me), and stressed by work. We had a somewhat difficult conversation by text on Wednesday about his “stress,” which I took to mean he finds dating a burden and didn’t really want to continue. I said everything was fine but that I did not want to respond by text because of the likelihood that what I said would be misinterpreted. So he called “to hear my voice” and talked exclusively about unrelated things. His last communication was “let’s text on Friday and find a time to hang out over the weekend.” This was a very mixed message, but I figured we would at worst have a closure conversation of sorts/agree to be friends/whatever. No texts all day Friday. After going out with friends on Friday night, I sent a message asking if he had a window to hang out over the weekend (as he had suggested). Nothing since. Here is my question — This man lives in my neighborhood and I AM going to run into him in the near future. We go to the same places. I feel disrespected, but I want to convey “water rolling off a duck’s back.” How do I best do that? Friendly like nothing happened? Dismissive? Will chat if he approaches me but don’t approach him? Friendly chat or dismissive chat or angry chat or hurt chat?

    1. “Oh hi, funny seeing you here, how are you?”
      “Hey there, I’m well, thanks for asking”
      “Good, I’m glad you’re doing well. Well, nice to see you!” as you start walking in the direction you were going.

      You may feel disrespected but there is no need for a “confrontation” or anything. Just treat him like he will eventually become, an acquaintance that you had a passing short lived contact with. He doesn’t deserve any more of your time so don’t give it.

        1. Oh yeah. That’s definitely not happening. As it is, the text chain looks like I’m continuing the pursuit after subtle rejection because it doesn’t track the phone call, which is just annoying.

    2. Hmm. I’d probably not initiate conversation and keep it very short (maybe even curt) if he did. I’m sorry he was a d!ck to you.

    4. I’m firmly in the ‘living well is the best revenge’ camp on this kind of thing. No reason to be anything other than your charming, delightful self when you see each other. If it happens to make him realize what a fool he was, that’s just icing. But, obviously, don’t go back to him and don’t become friends.

    5. He sounds immature. There’s a possibility that he might text you later to apologize. I’d consider giving him another chance if he does. Otherwise, if you do run into him, I’d probably just smile and move on.

  23. I have a form to fill out for something where I have to indicate which pronouns I want to use (and it’s in a mandatory field and I can’t submit the form without putting something in). I am so irritated. “Decline to specify” is not an option. “Other” is an option and I am inclined to put in “Ella/Usted” just because I think that this is crazy and because they designed a registration form so poorly (and also because I loved the concept of a formal version of “you” in Spanish b/c I come from a state where the second person is expressed as “youse” and “youse guys”.)

    [I get why this is a thing for some events and some circles, but this crowd skews closer to my parents than it does to me. The event will be at least 80% attended by straight men who are not woke and not millenials. I can think of one older-than-me transwoman who goes to these events and it is very clear to all who know her that she goes by traditional female pronouns.]

    1. I just don’t understand why you are complaining about this. It is a very simple thing that will take you 1 sec to indicate your desired pronouns, and will make zero difference in your life. On the other hand, it could have a very significant impact on someone else who doesn’t go by the pronouns assumed from appearance. It just sounds like you want to complain and be exclusionary.

      2. I’d put in something loco because I am a troublemaker. But, like, if you invite mischief, you can’t complain if mischief shows up.

        1. But the form isn’t inviting mischief, this is just you being a jerk.

          How is this different from all the registration forms that have a drop-down field of Mr., Ms., Mrs., Miss., Dr., etc.?

      3. Yeah, your complaint here doesn’t make you edgy or anything, it just makes you seem like a jerk.

    2. And also? At least in my area there are a lot of immigrants whose names do not automatically signal their gender to me so I would find that field useful for that reason.

      1. Don’t they usually let you fill in “Mr.” or “Ms.” that would signal this?

        I say this but one form I fill out online at least annually lets me put in “The Honorable” and various other actual (Ambassador) or courtesy titles. Curiously, there is no “Dowager Countess” option, because I would have ticked that box just for giggles.

      2. Not only immigrants, think of all the American names that could signal either way: Kelly, Christian, Blake, Avery, Payton, Taylor.

        1. +1 I don’t get why OP is bothered by this at all. Beyond being inclusive for transgender people, this seems like a useful tool to make people feel comfortable/avoid embarrassment. No one likes being the person to email Ms. Kelly Smith or Mr. Taylor Doe only to realize later that Kelly is a man and Taylor is a woman.

        2. +1 I’m a Taylor and it doesn’t bother me in the least when people think I’m a man, but frequently the other person seems very uncomfortable. It’s nice to be able to solve this ahead of time and also is inclusive – both wins!

      3. +1 as someone with a father who has a gender neutral name that skews female (think Taylor, Ashley, or Dana), I wish pronouns had been a thing as a child. Teachers constantly thought I had 2 moms.

    4. This is confusing. You have a preference (youse) and this form lets you put your preference in a free entry field. So how is this badly designed?

    5. I wish I had your life if this is what counts as irritating to you and worthy of a complaint.

    6. The whole point of asking for your preferred pronouns is so (surprise, surprise) people are referred to by their preferred pronouns. What are you complaining about exactly?

    7. You’re upset that a form is now more inclusive? or are you upset that someone has to answer questions or explain to elders you assume won’t know how to respond? I’m confused about what is upsetting to you to know how to offer feedback or advice or commiseration. It sounds like you know how to answer and can and that it’s not your role to have to clarify to others who may not understand. So I’m not sure why this is upsetting to you… unless you want some to feel unwanted and left out, which seems like an odd thing to not only want but to post about. Please clarify so we can help you!

    8. ‘You’ is the formal 2nd person in English. We’ve dropped the familiar ‘thee’ and ‘thou’. #Themoreyouknow

  24. Maybe you guys who are younger than me can help me figure out how to feel about this.

    My friend A is married to my friend B. Recently A “came out” as polyamorous and introduced us to C. C is A’s new, other partner, but A is still married to B and has let everyone know that is not going to change. A and C are giddy and in love and very excited for everyone to know how happy they are together. I asked A if B was ok with this and got kind of a clap back about not understanding polyamory and how this is part of A’s identity, how there was lots of therapy involved, etc.

    I’ve seen B once since then. Mostly A brings C to friend gatherings now. I didn’t talk to B about C because I didn’t want to be hurtful, and B is my friend too, but to me B seemed down and kind of sad.

    I went to A’s wedding to B and cried happy tears for them. That means something to me as their friend, that I witnessed their union, and welcomed B into our friend group with open arms.

    I guess I basically feel like A is cheating on B, and asking us all to not just accept it but to celebrate the new relationship with C.

    I recall an incident from my teens where my parents were arguing about a similar situation. My dad’s friend D had started bringing his “girlfriend” to the house parties and bars my parents and their social circle met at. My mom was incensed because she knew and liked Mrs. D, though their friendship was sort of secondary to my dad’s long time friendship with D. My dad said, maybe Mrs. D knows. This is none of our business. My mom said she didn’t want to hang out with the girlfriend because it was disrespectful to Mrs. D and she didn’t want to appear to condone it. Where they came down on it was that the girlfriend was not welcome in our home.

    I feel like my current friend situation is just a modern version of what my parents were talking about, excerpt that we are now using modern words to describe it.

    I haven’t had C to my home, but I’ve socialized with A and C a few times, and it makes me feel disloyal to B.

    (Also for what it’s worth, C is a good 20 years younger than all of us including A and B.)

    What would you do? I’m sure the answer is to mind my own business, which is what I’ve been trying to do, but it feels icky.

    1. I’ve only seen this happen once IRL, and A and B ended up divorced within 2 years. (I wasn’t as close to them as you are to yours and stayed out of it.) Would it be normal for you to socialize with B without A? Have B over for a cookout? Or invite A and B (“Hi A, I’d like to invite you and B over for dinner”) together? I think quietly, silently being there for B by still involving B in events until such time as there is a reason to speak up is how I’d handle it.

    2. Are A and B both your friends now? If so, I think it’s fine to lean into your relationship with B and distance yourself from A and C.

      I think polyamory and open relationships are fine as a concept if it’s genuinely a mutual decision, but in lots of cases, one partner is pushed into it by the other one who wants to or already has gotten involved with a new person, and then it’s basically no better than cheating. I’ve seen this happen in my own life but can also think of a couple pop culture examples (LuAnn from Real Housewives of NY and the person who wrote this article: https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/shannonkeating/lesbian-cruise).

    3. Personally, I would probably avoid both A and C for a while, largely because I didn’t actually know how to handle it. I don’t care if someone is poly and in an open relationship. But in order for it to be an open relationship, both people have to have agreed to that. It doesn’t seem like you think B agreed to it, and if B was my friend, I wouldn’t want to condone the new relationship which is hurting B. Could you invite B to some events instead of A?

      1. Agreed. It sounds like A used to bring B when he was invited to an event, but now you rarely see B because he’s bringing C instead. I would contact B directly with invitations either to group events or to see each other solo. You don’t have to mention C, but you’ll just be demonstrating that you care about B and want to maintain the friendship.

        It’s reasonable to wonder if B is really ok with this, and it’s reasonable to roll your eyes and be bored at the predictability of C being 20 years younger.

    4. This is extremely icky! A is trying to manipulating you into accepting his (right? but my point stands either way) midlife crisis side bae by making it a question of wokeness. If I were you I would stop hanging out with A and only spend time with B if you can, or at least invite A and B without C. (Can you send invitations to B instead of to A?)

      1. I left pronouns out intentionally (which wasn’t easy!) but if it makes any difference, A,B, and C are all men.

        Thank you everyone for your responses so far. I was worried I was just being old fashioned by feeling icky about it.

        1. I totally read this as, like, Don Draper taking up with Megan, but it’s still gross if it’s all men. You are not just being old-fashioned.

          2. I hated that relationship, they didn’t seem to go at ALL. And even though Betty was a sad character, I loved her!

      1. This. You feel like B is not on board and that you didn’t get a straight answer from A. Which to be fair, they don’t owe you. But as a friend who cares, you get to ask B (once) how B feels about this. If they don’t want to share with you, that’s their prerogative.
        I don’t think by inviting you to their wedding, they made a promise to you. You witnessed them making a promise to each other, but obviously it’s between them. At least that’s how I see marriage.

        1. I only heard A’s side of it. A’s story is that he told B he was polyamorous but it didn’t mean he wanted to break up, and that it was a side of himself he needed to explore. So for sure, he and B didn’t come to it mutually.

          I just don’t know how hurt B is by it. And since A brings C to social gatherings now, I’ve only seen B once, and in more of a work situation where I couldn’t bring it up. And as I said, I also didn’t want to be hurtful.

          No one needs to ask my permission for this obviously! I just feel sad and icky about socializing with C where B is excluded.

          1. I think A *does* owe you a straight answer if he wants to have you (your whole group, it sounds like) treat C like his spouse now instead of B, and in effect drop your friendship with B. That’s garbage. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to get anywhere discussing it with him but you’re 100% justified in inviting B to things and not C. And talking to B about it of course.

    6. I worry this is a totally ignorant comment because I don’t know a lot about this subject – but I would assume that B should be the “primary” partner, right? Like, I’m surprised that C is now the default for events with friends and stuff, when A and B are married?!! I would’ve assumed that would make B the primary partner on a permanent basis, with other “supporting” (pardon the lack of proper term, I don’t know it) partners allowed – or else, why…get married at all? I don’t think you’re being old fashioned by being confused by this (I am too).

    7. I wouldn’t be okay with this, either. Sounds like cheating, just with a fancier, more “woke” term. I would be shocked if A and B are still together a year from now.

      2. To be fair, non-monogamy can be practiced extremely ethically – not that I do it, I just know others who do, and that’s fine for them. Part of being ethical involves making sure everyone is 100% on board, and that doesn’t appear to be happening here, I’m not convinced that B is okay with what’s happening.

    8. I had a very similar situation with friends, except A and B had a baby and A (father) is spending a lot of time with C and leaving B the mom to parent. B also feels she can’t judge A because its his identity, and they are in therapy.

      I…don’t know what to tell you, other than I now spend time with A and B alone. I don’t feel comfortable with A and C, and A and B bicker.

      Maybe this arrangement could work out if there’s equal time, but that’s not how its playing out.

    9. If you are only friends with A, then welcome A’s partner(s) whomever they may be if you want to accept your friend. If you have a separate friendship with B, you can reach out to B, ask about A and C. Explain that you ask not to judge but to determine whether welcoming A and C into your home or socializing with C would be disloyal to your friendship with B. Let B tell you and read B’s body language. That should answer your questions.

      Based on that, either B is all good and you need to decide if you can accept A or if you need to back away from the friendship or B is not good and you may need to reach out to A and let them know that you love them but it’s clear from how B said they feel that they aren’t okay with C or with poly, so you would prefer to see A alone or just A with B or that you need to distance because of your own feelings about the situation.

      Poly can work when everyone truly consents. This may be poly and you are putting your feelings onto B without knowing how B feels or this may be B not consenting but trying to figure things out to avoid losing A. It isn’t wrong for A to be poly, it may just be growing pains in A and B’s marriage or it may mean A’s needs and B’s needs are no longer congruent. Focusing on your friendship(s) keeps you being a good friend rather than focusing on judgment of how folks are handling their relationship choices! :)

    10. What makes me feel sad about this is how much A and C act like a new monogamous/paired couple to the seeming exclusion of B. Poor B!

      2. My understanding is that this is not what “healthy” polyamory looks like, from friends who are poly (all of whom ended up divorced from their first partner eventually).

  25. Recommendations for a birthday present for male paralegal (he just graduated college and has been with the firm a year)?

      1. Why not? Each company and team are free to decide whether they like to acknowledge important milestones or not. In my team (20+ people), we even have a gift relay (person celebrating birthday in January chooses a gift for a person celebrating in February). Other teams in our company now copied this. We even send flowers or care baskets when people are sick or going through a divorce.
        No actual tip, though, for OP.

        1. Because a birthday is not an important milestone? Because it just creates more junk in my life that I have to deal with? Because adults don’t need presents for being a year older? So many reason. And if this was the culture of OP’s company, I assume they would have mentioned it and given examples of gifts that others have received.

      2. The rule is you don’t gift up. It’s very very standard for attorneys to give secretaries and paralegals (token) gifts.

      1. If you really need to, I mean. We don’t actually celebrate birthdays in my company at all. I don’t even know when any of my coworker’s or boss’ birthdays are. But if your company culture is to do something, I vote lunch.

        1. Small firm so we do cake etc on birthdays, gift baskets for a death in the family etc. Lunch is a good idea, thanks!

      2. +1. We do this at my firm. A small group will treat the birthday person to lunch. I would feel awkward giving and receiving gifts.

    3. Starbucks gift card. (And taking somebody out to lunch or fancy coffee *is* a present.)

    4. What would you or your male colleagues want from YOUR supervisor? Being taken out to lunch by one’s supervisor can be a nice present OR an imposition on their time, depending. Something the person can enjoy on their own time, like a gift card to Starbucks or other popular restaurant, or a nice bottle of something, would go over much better with me, personally…

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