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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Anon
Is there any good fashion community/forum other than this?
Ellen
This is the BEST one I have ever seen, and I have been on the INTERNET ever since 2004 when I got my first computer. You can search and search and search, and you will NOT find a better sight then this one for fashion and alot more for women, especially covering the work environment and what we have to put up with in the #MeToo era. Also, you will find intelligent discussion about political matters from time to time, tho I think you can probably get more focused dialog on CNN and news channels. To be fair, there are other webstghts, but this is #1 by FAR! YAY for Kat, Kate, Elizabeth and the other behind the scene’s people that keep this sight up to snuff for the ENTIRE hive! YAY!!!!
Don’t be afraid to ask questions as no one in the HIVE really stings, tho occasionally there are diferences of opinion on important matters of the day, including fashion and exercise! Welcome!!!!!
LaurenB
I think you need to be more specific. For professional women? For work clothes? Casual clothes? What price points?
I like unefemme dot net (but I’m a woman of a certain age) and theworkedit.
Anon
Both professional and casual communities would be great.
And what is theworkedit?
BT
You could go to the website and find out? It’s a fairly low cost endeavor.
Anon
I have already searched it on Google. The results are confusing. There’s a fashion blog and another different IG account.
LaurenB
Apologies for not realizing the name change back to Capitol Hill Style, but I type in theworkedit.com and it redirects to caphillstyle.com. She seems to be an “old-school” Republican type (hence the 2A support) – I don’t think she’s a Trumper.
January
I think it’s Capitol Hill Style. She might have gone back to the blog’s original name.
Anon
It’s Caphillstyle. She went back to the old name and hasn’t used The Work Edit for quite some time.
Anon
The Work Edit – formerly Capitol Hill Style and which has now rebranded back to Capitol Hill Style – is a great blog, originally DC based, but which has broadened out into the greater world. It has an intensely loyal reader base, but it’s less of a community of commenters like this one. Abra doesn’t fall into the influencer tropes, gives honest reviews of products she mostly buys with her own money, and has a great sense of style. CHS and this site are the only actual blog pages I go to on any sort of regular basis. You could join her “Thirtyish” facebook group if you’re looking for a community to discuss mid-career and thirty-something life topics in.
Anon100
FYI her tone of voice can be very offputting at times (and the politics of her past employers), BUT she has a very good eye for appropriate work styles. I also appreciate that her picks often include other options/dupes in a range of prices.
Cat
Co-sign Anon100.
Anon
“Politics of past employers” is putting it mildly. She was an NRA lobbyist who whined about what a hard day Sandy Hook was *for her*. I’m not big on boycotting businesses because of political views, but Abra has blood on her hands and I will never give her another page view.
Anon
Yea. I just can’t with her anymore. I followed her for a long time but her holier-than-thou tone is way more than I can handle. I like her picks and definitely helped me out earlier in my career (esp. when she did the same look at three different price points way back when) but I can’t get past the narrative anymore.
anon
Yeah I stopped reading when her boyfriend started writing guest posts because he’s an ever bigger d-bag than she is, and frankly I don’t care at all about his opinion on anything.
Anon
I’ve really been grateful for Abra’s willingness to be open about her struggles with depression and appreciate her point of view, especially now that she’s lived enough life to see it all doesn’t work out as planned. I look forward to reading her posts every morning. I feel like I’m touching base with a friend. I haven’t read her experience about Sandy Hook, so perhaps I’ve just not seen that side of her.
KW
Putting Me Together is great for basic, mostly casual but some business casual, looks.
Anonymous
You look fab
Anon
Oh the commentariat there is … something else. And those ladies will hunt you down and kill you if you disagree with Angie about anything.
poiu
On the other hand, I really appreciate her reviews of specific products. I work in a very casual industry and she’ll call out something like an exceptional Gap t-shirt, which is exactly what I should be wearing to work.
Anonymous
I appreciate her very specific recommendations — she’ll identify what body type a particular item of clothing will fit best, and do round-ups of current trends and how to wear them. Helpful for educating your eye.
Senior Attorney
The forums are kind or crazy these days but I love Angie’s blog posts.
Senior Attorney
The forums are kind or crazy these days but I love Angie’s blog posts.
Alanna of Trebond
Gofugyourself is amazing.
Anonymous
Yes! Not workwear (or at least for a non-royal non-celebrity). But just gold!
Equestrian Attorney
I have been dating someone who I really like for the past three months. He just found out he was accepted into a three-year medical fellowship on the other side of the country that is basically his lifelong dream. I think we’re both torn between thinking there might be a future here and thinking we need to end it. What would you do? Do I date him until he leaves and see (he leaves in the summer) or do I break it off now before we get too attached? I’m 30, recently divorced, and he is the first person I have really been able to see myself with since my divorce :( Also, the city he is moving to would not be easy for me to relocate to.
Anonymous
I would keep dating until he leaves and see how you feel. Sorry!!
January
Anecdata: I know someone who continued dating someone he had only been dating for a short time when she left for a three-year medical fellowship. He moved down there after a year, and they are now engaged to be married. He was able to keep his job and work remotely, which may have been key to making this work.
Anonymous
More anecdata: a friend’s sister went on 2 dates with a guy when he was deployed for something like 2 years. They stayed together and they’ve been married for 3 years.
Anon
More anecdata: I fell in love with a boy, dated him for 3 months, and then left to live on the other side of the world for a year. We celebrated our first wedding anniversary last month. You never know, OP! Enjoy the time and see how you feel as it gets closer. :)
anon
more anecdata: I met hubby at a conference, we dated for 3 years, but could only see each other on weekends. We were finally able to move in together after that, going strong 8yrs and counting.
Anon for this
Even more anecdata: I dated a guy for about 5 months, got offered a job in another city to start approx. 2 months later, he ultimately moved with me and we are now married. At the time it was hard to know what to do with so many unknowns. We ultimately sort of tabled the conversation of what would happen to us when I moved until closer to my departure date and just continued to enjoy dating and getting to know each other. By the point we discussed, we had had more time together and that discussion was easier. I will mention, however, that he was at a point where he was ready to leave his current job so it was a natural transition point. It would have been a harder discussion and decision if he had been happy with his job and not looking to shake things up at that time. So I empathize with the fact that your decision would require you to relocate to a city that would not be easy for you to relocate to.
Anon.
Additional anecdata: I started dating a boy in December before flitting off to the other side of the country for three years of law school the next summer. We will celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary next spring.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t break it off and I would really try to not sweat the move (yet). It’s still 6 months away; that’s a long time when you’ve only known someone for 3 months. If all goes well, you will have been together for nearly a year and you’ll be much better able to assess whether you’re willing to be temporarily long distance. And if it doesn’t go well then the move doesn’t matter anyway.
Fwiw I totally understand why you’re anxious about this. Unfortunately you can’t plan for every eventuality. Don’t become so risk averse that you cut yourself off from something that could be really good.
Anon
+1 I’ve seen “dated for a short while then went long distance for a long while” work out so many times – and actually this was like half the relationships I knew in my mid 20s with everyone moving around for jobs and grad school. Most of those relationships worked out with marriage and at least one kid so far (and this is 10 yrs later). I’d say definitely go for it. It might actually be a blessing in disguise as he’ll be able to focus on his studies other than calls and video chats with you, and when you see each other you can spend real focused quality time.
Julia
I’m a big fan of letting things happen organically. So, for now, keep dating and see where it goes. He’ll move in 3 months. At that point, see if you want to try to move, or try to date long distance, or if that feels like the right time to split. And obviously once he’s moved, just be continually aware of how you’re feeling — is the long-distance thing working, are you missing him and wanting to move, are you feeling like moving won’t be worth it… just live your life and make decisions as they come. You don’t need to break off a currently-good relationship in order to avoid some hypothetical future pain that will be deepened by becoming more attached.
Anon
So obviously there is not an option for him to not take the fellowship or for you to give up your job and move. It’s too early for that. Plus you are very recently divorced so it would be a mistake to jump I to another serious relationship right away.
Date him if you want to date him. Visit him in the new location if you want to. But keep your options open. Continue to date other people you meet and like.
I don’t feel like this needs to be a binary choice.
Anon
I would definitely keep dating – he’s not moving for 6+ months, that’s so far away. By then, things may have ended naturally or you may feel like you’re ready to marry him (you will have been dating almost a year at that point, no?). Fwiw, I met my husband while doing a 2 month summer internship. We dated cross-country long-distance through my final two years of school, and then I moved back to his city. 3 years is not that long in the scheme of life, and I know people who have done long distance for longer than that.
Anonymous
This is basically us. Met when I was 23 on an overseas internship. LTR for a couple years until DH finished his Phd and immigrated to where I was finishing law school. I was NOT looking for something serious when we but he was just my person and suddenly I didn’t want to date around.
If his medical fellowship is going to be busy, an LTR might actually work well. He should be committed to come visit you when he can get even a few days off, not just you visiting him. And you need to have an express discussion at some point (like in the next 6-9 months) about where you both see yourselves living down the road. It’s one thing if he’s moving for three years and coming back, it’s another if he expects you to be the trailing spouse of his career.
If you do want kids, you will be 33 when his fellowship ends so I would be reluctant to go into a LTR unless he’s prepared to have serious conversations about relationship timelines/goals in the next few months.
Happily ever after
I was LTR with my BF when I started law school at age 30. We were on opposite sides of the country. 13 years later, we are married with two kids. And live in the same city, which is not the same city/state where we met or where I went to law school.
It did help that I spend 6 wks one summer in his city. And that we managed to see each other every 3-4 wks for a weekend. First year he did most of the travel (I was a 1L) but after that I did (since I was a student and could arrange my schedule for no classes on Fridays).
Anon
A good friend just married a guy who was offered (and accepted) his dream job on the other side of the world a couple months after they met.
June
My now husband and I had started dating but were not in a committed relationship when I moved 2+ hours away for a job (so not across the country, but still made a relationship difficult). We did the long distance thing for a few years, then after we got engaged I relocated back to where he was and we’ve been married 5 years.
I would keep dating him until he leaves and take it from there.
Ellen
Get romantic quickly and then he will marry you and the both of you can jet off x-country and he can become a doctor, you can have babies, and then you can live like my sister, Rosa, in Chapaqua, and hopefully live happily after ever, unless he finds a woman who will do stuff you can’t or won’t do in medical school for him. Good luck to you!
Etsy jewelry
Has anyone had luck on Etsy for simple, quality, somewhat blingy earrings and rings that won’t break the bank? I’m intrigued by Mejuri, but would like to support a smaller business/Etsy owner if possible. Searches for sterling silver or 14k gold jewelry yield so. many. results on Etsy! And all appear to have 5 star ratings? Would love a great shop recommendation.
Cb
I wonder if you might find a silversmith / goldsmith local to you? I went to a silversmithing workshop and the artist was able to do some amazing custom earrings for me. I just feel like Etsy is such a crapshoot these days.
anon a mouse
I’ve bought a few things from LoveRocksBijoux on etsy on a friend’s recommendation and they are lovely.
Anon
Check out local eclectic. They curate pieces from different indie designers. These designers often have their own website or Etsy stores where you can then browse their full selections or get things custom made. The rings I’ve seen range from a few hundred to a few thousand. Anything less is likely to be gold plated or vermeil.
pugsnbourbon
It might be more minimalist than what you’re going for, but I’ve been following Atomic Gold for a while. All their items are gold/sterling silver with a focus on inclusivity and sustainability.
anon
I love SHERIBERYL and SashaBellJewelry
Anna
Women without a s/o or children – what do you do on the weekends? I moved to a new city after grad school and while I do know a good number of people, I feel like grad school took up so much of my time I don’t really have a good hobby. Other than reading? And swimming which I have t found a way to do here
(Any suggestions for an indoor pool I can buy a reasonably priced guest pass to in Boston welcome)
Anonymous
I read, watch TV, go for long walks, cook, spend time with friends and family, dance etc.
Carrots
I volunteer with a community theatre and another young professionals group pretty heavily and that keeps my time full throughout the week (and most weekends).
Monday
I joined a fitness studio near my home and am a super regular. I have some potential new friends there, but even if we never get close, it’s a group of people who know my name and the basics about my life. I’m a big advocate of fitness studios for single introverts like myself!
I also read a lot. I made a list of things I want to know more about and pursue books and documentaries about them. Sometimes I just “go shopping” at the library too, and see what appeals.
Otherwise, spending time with family and friends.
NYCer
+1. I have also met a lot of nice people at boutique fitness studios (one barre studio and one treadmill/toning combo place), both when I was single and now when I am married. Not all of the people became close friends, but a few actually did, and the rest, like Monday said, knew my name and the basics about my life. Pick a class you enjoy and try to go every week at the same time!
Z
I go to the big state school’s sports (have football season tickets) games and volunteer for youth organizations. I’m on the elected board of my professional society’s local chapter so that takes up some time on evenings and weekends. Go to the gym, bake, generally hang out with friends.
Volunteering is my favorite way to spend time on the weekends and meet people. Plus you feel good after!
CountC
I run, ride my horse, go to the gym, hang with my dogs, (clean and do laundry unfortunately), see friends, go to breweries and wineries either with friends or by myself with a book (and a dog in the summer), cook, and try to lay about a bit because I never get to actually sit still during the week.
Anonymous
Every time I have joined a tennis league I’ve made friends with other players and we often go for drinks after / end of season. Join something like a 5.5 or 6.0 doubles league and it won’t be too intense and you will meet a lot of people or at least get in some exercise.
Anon
How do you find/join a tennis league? I’d like to find a partner to play with at my neighborhood court but am a bit intimidated since I’m not that good a player (would like to get better with practice!).
MargotMcKinley
The USTA has great leagues organized by skill levels! Maybe try out clinics at local clubs?
Anon
I moved to Big City without knowing anyone after grad school. I spent a ton of time walking, eating, more walking and more eating…I would also go for runs in different neighborhoods to see the unique characteristics each had. I loved the commenters idea about going to local college sporting events, but also a great way to socialize is looking up the local backers club for the NHL/NFL/MLB team from where you’re from. Boston is big enough that these would exist there. And of course, volunteering. I’m currently in the process of applying to be a Big Sister (still new here).
But I also wasn’t afraid to jump into the dating pool! I had held off on dating where I was previously living because I knew I wanted to move. Say what people might, but apps like Hinge and Bumble really are not bad when you’re in a city where you know no one. I met some very interesting men who did some cool stuff, and got to try new places I normally wouldn’t. Plus, met my current S/O one evening when I took myself out to a neighborhood bar after a particularly not great date. Explore and make the place feel like home, whatever that means to you!
Em
I do have a s/o and a child, but still spend a decent amount of time on the weekends volunteering (specifically with animal rescues, as a CASA with foster kids, and once a month at church). I also schedule brunch with friends and have friends over for dinner (sometimes with my s/o and kid). I like cooking and baking and use the weekends to try more complicated, time-consuming recipe.
Cookbooks
I’m in the Boston area. I’m super boring on the weekends, but if you’re looking for a pool, I believe MIT has pool passes available on a monthly basis, including for those not affiliated with MIT.
nona
Sleep in. Do house chores. Work on sewing/needlepoint projects (winter) or garden/yard stuff (summer). Hang out with friends. Walks in my neighborhood.
NOLA
I don’t live near a grocery store or a big box store, so on Saturdays (late morning to early afternoon), I run my errands in the burbs and get gas. I go to the gym, do laundry, take a nap, read. On Sundays, I have church (singing job) all morning, then I come home and watch or listen to football while I cook for the week, finish laundry, and do some cleaning and picking up around the house. I often do my nails on Sunday evenings. I guess my weekends are a combination of errands/chores and rest.
Badgley Mischka flats
I also moved after grad school. Not sure what your situation is but a lot of post-docs are pretty socially isolated (I certainly was). I recommend doing something regularly – a meet up game night, yoga class, whatever. It’s easier to make friends with someone if you have repeated exposure. Also, be strategic. If you’re 30 skip the cooking class filled with 70 yo. Not to say you can’t have 70yo friends, but they’re at a very different life stage and it’s harder to make a connection.
Anon
Workout, long walks, farmers market, project cooking, dinner parties, live music, trivia, lectures/academic events, going to the movies or the theatre, reading, going to various events that I find out about through getting on email lists like Brightest Young Things. Some of these are fun solo, but usually I will grab a friend or two to go with me. Most people are not good at finding things to do and are happy to be invited to go do something.
Anon
Oh I will also go out to eat by myself if I don’t have plans for dinner. I love to eat dinner at the bar and I bring a book with me but often end up having a fun chat with the bartender or other people sitting next to me.
Anonymous
I’m in Boston area too! And also single. I like to go to different coffee shops to read, work out, go for walks at different parks while listening to podcasts. I also went to a book club, which led to going to a more active club. Also enjoy getting my life together on the weekends (laundry, cleaning, meal prepping) so the week isn’t as hectic.
Anon
I think some of the Lifetime Fitness gyms have indoor pools. Likely won’t be cheap and they’re in the suburbs, but worth checking if you would use it regularly.
I’ve had to rebuild my (single-friendly) friend groups several times in Boston (first when I moved back here after ten years away and more recently when most of my friends got married and started having kids). I started CrossFit both for the community and the weightlifting, wander around the city with my dog (she gorgeous and attracts attention, so I end up talking to a lot of people), run errands and do chores, go on dates (I average 15 mediocre dates before meeting one person I would like as a friend), check out events around the city (The Boston Calendar has the most comprehensive list), pretend that I will go to yoga, spend time alone because I am an introvert and the week exhausts me, host people at my place and ask them to bring friends to expand my social circle, go to the same local coffee shop for my morning latte so I know everyone who works there and sometimes even talk to other people sitting with their coffee and acai bowls, make lists of all the improvements I’m planning for my condo and then never actually do them.
Depending on where you are in the city and your interests, there’s Boston Social Sports, Brooklyn Boulders (the most social of the rock climbing gyms), Down Under Yoga, Healthworks (women-only gym with a bit more of a community), CrossFit, and tons of running groups. I’ve also met people at fitness events around the city, like yoga in breweries or at the MFA; the Boston Magazine website lists their favorites every week but Eventbrite and The Boston Calendar list more.
Anna
This is so helpful, thank you!!!
Anon
Not in Boston, but where I live we have public aquatic centers run by the park&rec department. They’re affordable to swim and have lessons. Does Boston not have things like this?
As for other hobbies, I tend to be a homebody and haven’t made many new connections after college but occasionally I enjoy things like yoga class at the aquarium (we yoga with mantas!). Even if I don’t end up making any friends I got to enjoy myself.
Belle Boyd
In the summer, I go to my family’s camp pretty much every other weekend. When I’m home, I work in my garden. I clean and do laundry. I cook. I go to concerts. I spend time with my girlfriends (their kids are older/married now, so it’s easier since we don’t have to arrange sitters.) I go shopping, visit wineries, hang out with my sister, or just spend quiet time at home recharging and doing nothing. I’m never bored, there’s always something I can find to do (or not do, if I choose.)
Anonymous
In Boston, if you are athletic, find your people: ski and sport club, running clubs, etc.
Theatre groups, volunteer, go to meetups, invite some new people (work people, neighbors) over for a dinner party. Go to a bar and cheer on the pats/Bs/Celtics/Sox.
Anonymous
Also- if Boston proper see about guest passes to some of the university pools. BU’s is insane.
Try a barre studio/class, yoga, etc.
Cb
Does anyone have a referral code for Brass Clothing they’d like to share? Tempted by the All Day Dress.
Anon
Hey! Email me at piper51689@gmail.com. I have a referral link, but it has my name in it so I would prefer not to post here.
Friday Blues
My fiance is driving me crazy. His love language has always been acts of service, but he had surgery 8 months ago and continues to want to be taken care of since then, long after the recovery period has ended and he should be fine to do things like put dishes in the dishwasher. We were already struggling with his intense work schedule and general man issues of expecting me to handle logistical things (“because you’re so much better at them than I am!”), and that plus the lingering helplessness (at least from my perspective) is just not fun. I don’t help myself by spiraling and thinking about how awful life might be in 10 years if we’ve added a child to the mix and not only are we both working biglaw hours but he’s not willing to do childcare or other things without me nagging constantly and ultimately just giving up and doing it myself. I’ve expressed this in very clear terms, at least in my mind, several times, but I think it just hit him this morning how unhappy I am, which is frustrating in itself that I’m only heard after 10 conversations. Just venting as I’m hesitant to complain too much to anyone who knows him IRL, though advice is always welcomed!
Anonymous
Break. Up. It will not get better.
Go for it
Well, I second this only I’d he will not agree & do the work in couples counseling. This is not fixable by you exclusively. Really.
Anon
people on this board are so quick to say break up. i would not necessarily say break off the engagement, and it is good that he finally realized how unhappy you are. i too am with someone who needs to hear things repeatedly in order for them to sink in and i consider that part of the price of admission. and idk what it is about men and illness that makes them behave like helpless children, but almost all of my friends say that their husbands behave like this when sick. (and these are men who are VERY involved in childcare, household chores, regularly solo parent etc.) . BUT that still does not mean your fiance’s behavior is ok. I would suggest some premarital couples counseling to see if you can get back on the same page and feel good about things because you should not get married while in a bad place or not on the same page about these issues
Anonymous
“because you’re so much better at them than I am!” This answer to this is “all the more reason you need to practice”
There doesn’t appear to be a medical reason that he can’t be doing half of the household chores. Do not marry someone who cannot competently adult on his own.
Anon
You did nothing wrong in bringing this up. Keep bringing it up and whatever you do, DO NOT marry or have children with this man until you have an equitable relationship that makes you happy. Show him the myriad articles on emotional labor.
And don’t do things just because he’s not doing them. That’s only going to make you angry and resentful. Keep using your words. Be consistent.
Anonymous
I’m not sure that emotional labor articles are necessary.
It’s not a hard concept that there are two adults in this house who both work outside the home and each needs to do half the housework/life management stuff.
Anon
That was in response to the “you’re so much better at it” comment, which was about emotional labor.
emeralds
FWIW I’ve found my husband (who means well and wants to be an equal partner, but sometimes falters in the day-to-day execution of chores/pets/etc.) is much more responsive to the frame of “I need you to take initiative,” rather than wrangling about the abstract concept of emotional labor.
Vicky Austin
+1.
anon for this
Agree with this. Sometimes when my DH pulls the “but you’re better at this!” with me, I half-joke with him about it and it gets the point across, like “yes but you are an ADULT MALE with a GRADUATE DEGREE who SURELY is capable of LOADING THE DISHWASHER!”
In our marriage we’ve found it works well to designate lanes of tasks, too. I stay out of his lane and don’t remind him (mostly) to do his job. And when I do, it’s with a, c’mon, you are a grown-up, be better vibe. He wants to be an equal partner, sometimes it just takes gentle prodding. He’s so much better than his father (classic patriarch stereotype) that it helps me to remember that he’s never seen an equal partnership modeled.
Vicky Austin
I am definitely stealing the graduate degree line…
Daffodil
I have an on-going struggle with DH to get him to do an equal share of housework-related things (even without an illness). No advice, just empathy here- and following for any suggestions.
Anon
Same and commiseration.
The only thing that’s worked so far (as in he follows through 75% of the time without me reminding him) is giving him ownership over certain chores or for certain stretches of time so there is no argument he is failing – and this really only works for visible chores. For example, we switch off weekly on dishes – it piles up and stinks and he knows it’s his fault so he does them. Same with garbage. Same with bills (learned his lesson after the lights were turned off because he forgot to pay).
One of our biggest issues is he throws things in random places and never puts them back. Drives me up a wall. One way that helps a little bit – we each have a decorative large bin (20 in. cube) that we can dump our personal items in and take it all at once to put them in their respective places. When I declutter, I don’t put his things up only for him to constantly complain he can’t find them. I dump them in his bin and forget about it.
Anon
Agreed. I nagged and we bickered for years about household chores. We finally sat down and made a list of all the regular chores and put our names next to them. It holds us both accountable and also helps me understand he does a lot of stuff I hate to do. Also if I’m doing laundry on a random day (normally his chore), the list helps me remember it’s because I want to or needed a particular item cleaned and not because it was piling up from his lack of effort. It helps me feel less resentful instead of thinking “I always do xyz chore” when I’m only doing it for my needs.
We also run into me handling the logistical burden a lot. We now share a family Apple calendar, and we expect each other to enter appointments that impact both of us or are out of the norm. He doesn’t have to ask me what time our flight is to visit parents or whatever. For the longest time, I also did the bulk of vacation planning which felt ok at the time because I like planning vacations, but I spent so much time on the actual trip stressing about what we were doing and if he was having a good time. This last major vacation, we had 2 meetings on random weekend afternoons where we discussed all the options for activities, and we planned out the itinerary together. When we got there, I was so much more relaxed because he knew the plan and bought into it. It was our vacation, not mine that he was tagging along on.
I’ve started approaching all logistics in our lives knowing he is a terrible planner (some people just are regardless of gender), but I do force him to engage in my planning process. Contribute to the weekly grocery list, date night ideas, etc and if something falls through the cracks that he wanted because he didn’t communicate appropriately it’s not on me.
Ellen
Well, more evidence that men are useless, and we all know it, but b/c they are the only one who have the sperm to create a baby with me. So we have to put up with them for that reason alone.
Flats Only
Know too that the continued helplessness after recovery is not a universal reaction to illness/injury. My DH was badly injured at one point, but as soon as he recovered sufficiently to put dishes in the dishwasher he did, as soon as he could do his laundry again he did, etc. If your fiancee doesn’t get that he needs to shoulder an appropriate load around the house, that’s a big problem. If he’s still leaning on the aftermath of surgery as an excuse, assuming he’s fully recovered, that’s not cool.
Anonymous
Not hearing you is a different issue than not being an equal partner in the home. Separate the two issues. You think he’s now heard you about the home stuff so see if that improves. Give yourself some time and space. Then have a separate conversation about the communication issues.
But also – I would expect him to tell you that there weren’t 10 conversations about the same thing; logistical stuff and doing the dishes are separate issues (to him). If he really doesn’t get it, you’re going to be saying, “remember how we talked about being equal partners? yeah your refusal to [send thank you notes] is another example of that” a whole lot. You have to decide whether you can live with that.
Al
You are right to worry. Kids are so much work that if he can cover his fair share now it’s hard to see how it will work later. I do think people on this board are too quick to say break up but you should seriously consider breaking up if he doesn’t change asap, and if that change doesn’t stick.
Anonymous
Agreed on all points. The fact that he gets that this is important to you is good; I would see if you can get into therapy now to get some help making changes. This is a big deal, don’t ignore it.
Anon
I agree, as someone who has seen a lot of friends struggle with husbands who don’t do enough at home now that they have kids.
Anon
Yep. I didn’t really think about this stuff until we had a child. There is so, so much more work, the menial kind that lots of men think is beneath them and that grinds women into nagging hags. I’m just on the other side of toddler years and I’m still drilling husband to do the absolute basics like the dishwasher and pick up the kid when he’s home early. I will not be having another child and would have started working on household equity much earlier if I had any clue how much impact this was going to have down the road. My problem is I was so used to being independent and stuck in doing-it-all mentality. Now I’m pretty sure I’d have less work on my plate if I were a single mom.
Anonymous
What you see before marriage is what you’ll get after marriage.
Senior Attorney
If you are unhappy now, you will not be any happier when you are married with kids.
I would insist on couples counseling and if he won’t agree, I’d break up with him. (Which is what I did, only it was after 15 years of marriage. Don’t be like me.)
Go for it
+1
It’s terrible to be married to a man child. The resentments that develop are awful.
I know.
Anon
Yep, I second this or third this. Don’t marry him if he isn’t willing to get his sh!t together.
Anon
4th or 5th this. What if things stayed exactly as they are. How long could you live that way? A month? A year? 5 years? 10 years? Forever? If the answer isn’t forever, start formulating your exit strategy.
For me, unpartnered > parenting a man-baby. Never, ever again.
Anon
The book Fair Play might help if you both can agree to implement fair/balanced practices into your relationship.
GCG
Two book recommendations: Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play and the book It’s Not You, It’s the Dishes: How to Minimize Conflict and Maximize Happiness in Your Relationship.
Clementine
Ugh, I am in the doghouse with my boss.
I sit right outside the offices of boss and grand boss. Boss and I have been working on a project related to ‘apples’.
Grandboss called me in this morning to talk about conceptual Apple questions. Related to the project boss and I are working on but very high level. Boss was in a closed door meeting so it was just me.
Boss called for me when I was in grandboss’ office. Grandboss invited her to stay but I think boss misunderstood, got pissed, and declined. I went straight to boss’ office after and was told to get out, didn’t want to talk to me, and my afternoon meeting to discuss the Apple project was cancelled.
I know this is reflective of a bigger issue that long predates me, but dang. Today is gonna be looonnnggg.
Anon
Your boss is wrong, not you. Wait for her to cool down. Then wait for her to address it with you. If she’s mad at anyone it should be grandboss, but as they say, shit rolls downhill.
Clementine
I know I just need to ride it out. A trusted colleague (who used to work for boss and is now boss’ peer) said the same thing.
Anonymous
It’s not you. Boss is mad at grandboss but is taking it out on you because it’s easier to punch down than up.
Clementine
Update: boss apologized to me and explained that it’s def not me, there are more amorphous issues at play.
Anon
I’m really glad your boss apologized. Some wouldn’t. I know it’s not ideal that she got mad in the first place, but it is a good sign that she has the self awareness to know that she was wrong, and to apologize within a fairly short time frame rather than making you sweat for a long time.
Worry About Yourself
The job hunt has some solid traction, I’m thinking there’s some chance of a job offer today, and if not, I had a promising phone screen yesterday with a company that looks like an even better fit. But man, even when it’s going well, job hunting is tedious and exhausting! I’m either answering the same questions over and over or I’m waiting on pins and needles for news. I’m glad I choose to keep my ClassPass active because fitness classes are getting me out and away from my phone for a little while, same with the part-time job although I’ve only had one shift so far. Money isn’t really an issue at the moment (hooray for severance!), but I just want to land a job soon so I can stop talking about my past and start focusing on the next step in my career, ya feel?
Panda Bear
Wishing you luck! I know how you feel.
MargotMcKinley
Yes, I feel you; I’m in the same boat! Good luck!!
C2
I’ve been going through this essentially since the last week of August, waiting has driven me a little bonkers and made me so unfocused at a job I need to let go of and leave. I posted below about being in a dark place for a while about my job and prospects, and finally have broken through with two offers. The light at the end of the tunnel might not seem terribly bright, but just keep going, it’s there and you’ll make it to the end. An industry friend a couple weeks ago told me not to sell myself short, and when I really let that sink in, I think it helped me get to a better place. The good thing that has come out of this period is that I’ve really clarified for myself that I like my industry, I’ve identified the sectors I do and do not want to work in my industry, as well as the type of company I want to work for, and the path I want to move down personally.
Anon
Has anyone out there taken low-dose doxycycline for acne, or had their teenage kids on it? Dermatologist is recommending it for my 14 yo son, who has mild-to-moderate facial acne but what the derm characterized as “serious inflammatory” back acne, which he observed during my son’s mole removal yesterday. My son is nonplussed by the bacne as no one sees it but us, but the derm said this type of acne can progress to cystic and leave significant scars if it’s not treated with oral antibiotics at this stage. He’s using benzoyl peroxide wash and adapalene (Differin) but it hasn’t had much result – I will say I feel like that may be because without my nagging, which I won’t do every day, DS won’t use the products. I have concerns about him being on a daily oral medication (supposedly the low-dose doxycycline doesn’t have antibiotic effects but there are other side effects) and also am wondering if this is worth doing if DS is not bothered by the back acne. Thoughts appreciated.
Anonymous
If he doesn’t care enough to apply topical products, it’s definitely not enough of a priority to him to risk side effects of oral medications. If it really does bother him and he is compliant with the existing topical regimen, I’d ask the Derm about other topical options. Mine has suggested multiple topical options to try before going to oral antibiotics.
Anonymous
If your child had another medical condition his doctor said should be treated now before it gets worse, would you accept that recommendation or ask Internet strangers for a second opinion? The treatment options now are much better than later.
Anonymous
Rude.
PolyD
But very, very true.
Anon
No it’s not, and you’re not being helpful.
Anon
It’s not rude. There are lots of acne-free people who think acne is a sign of being dirty or being a lazy person. It is not. Acne is a function of the consistency of your sebum, the size and shape of your pores, and the amount of bacteria p.acnes your body naturally has.
It should be treated because it’s scarring and poor for self-esteem (supported by several studies), and there should not be any level of judgment attached to the why the person needs treatment in the first place.
Anon
I think this is different because it’s not a medical condition per se, it is a cosmetic condition (just looks bad, doesn’t have any ill health effects).
Anon
You could not be more wrong. Educate yourself a little.
Anon
I don’t know about all of the specifics of your questions but anecdata: I have terrible scarring from bacne that went untreated. It didn’t bother me as a kid because I didn’t really know better. Bless her and all of the good things she did for me, but my mom just didn’t see a need to have it treated. If there is one thing I wish my mom did for me for my younger self it would have been to help me and teach me about skin care. I had bad acne that I just accepted as fact (and therefore didn’t let bother me) for way too long that didn’t have to be accepted as fact.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I knew better than to ask to see a derm as a teen ($$). I kept treating my cystic acne (incl back and shoulders) with topical stuff until I was 30 and saw a derm for the first time. I’d follow the derm’s advice.
Anon
I was on this for a while in college. I did not notice any side effects at the time, and it definitely cleared up my acne. However, now that I’m thinking about it– I had a lot of gut health issues at the time (and a chronic yeast infection) that were probably linked.
Em
Same. Also on this in college and it cleared up my acne but I had a yeast infection for pretty much 2 years.
HW
I have rosacea, which a little different, but my dermatologist will give me a low dose of doxycycline when the acne part of my rosacea gets out of control. It does really help knock out the acne and stop it from getting worse, and keeps at bay for a year or so. I only take it when my acne gets bad, so your son could potentially do a low dose to get the bacne under control and not have to take it constantly.
Anon
Did nothing for me. The topicals also did nothing, but I wasn’t really using them perfectly either. If it doesn’t bother him I’d let him be, or let him choose if he wants to take it.
Anonymous
I would encourage treating this. If he doesn’t, he will wish he had later in life.
Anonymous
My husband’s back is severely scarred from his bacne as a teen. We live in the SEUS now (he is not from here, nor am I) and the pool / beach / lake in the summer is such a thing and he feels sheepish always wearing a rashguard (even at night where sun isn’t a factor). He also progressed to having cystic acne and scars on his face, so maybe if your son is on it it won’t progress to areas where you can see it?
Anon
If he’s really bothered by the scarring, look at microneedling. It stimulates the skin to heal itself and has really impressive results on acne scarring.
Anon
It’s a really good drug. Acne is disfiguring and should be treated. It’s not your son’s fault and treating it will help his self esteem.
Worry About Yourself
I took it for about a year, on top of topical stuff. I think it really helped get me over the worst of it, and I don’t remember any serious, notable side effects. It’s probably a good strategy for back acne since he doesn’t have to physically put it on the affected area.
I do think using antibiotics for acne meant needing higher doses for other bacterial infections later in life, like when I had strep a few years after going off the stuff, but I still don’t regret taking it.
I will also say that until I was 17 or so, acne didn’t bother me that much. Sure, it didn’t look great, but I was a teenager and we were all breaking out, so I didn’t feel like it was a big deal. If he won’t take the stuff now, don’t nag him on it, he’ll probably come around to the urgency of clearing his skin in a few years.
Anonymous
If your teenage son doesn’t care about active bacne I doubt your adult son will care about bacne scarring. My husband has scarring from bacne but doesn’t care about it at all because it has exactly zero effect on his life.
Anonymous
+1. If you’re at all concerned about him taking the medication, or taking it compliantly, or whatever, I think you’re fair to assume that he doesn’t really care too much about this and let it go. With most guys I know, the acne leveled off a lot toward the end of high school. If he still has problems at that point, maybe check again.
anne-on
Would it also be helpful for him to have some of the bacne sprays and/or stridex wipes live in his gym bag? If he does sports or gets sweaty spraying that on his back or wiping down with the pads after the workout would probably help A TON. Fwiw, I have PCOS and have learned that I simply cannot sit around in sweaty clothes at all or it is almost instant acne on my body. Inflammatory chest/neck acne that simply would not go away in my 20’s was what eventually led me to accutane.
anon
Did Accutane work for you? I was told that I was not a candidate b/c I have PCOS.
Architect
My daughter was on doxycycline until a couple weeks ago. Her pediatrician was really worried about long term use. The meds also made her nauseous. So the derm switched her to the doxycycline without the antibiotic. It’s much more expensive. So, insurance would not allow it until the she tried the other stuff. It’s much better on her stomach. We shall see if it improves her skin. Our older daughter had similar issues and finally did a course of acutane. It was scary at first. A huge pain with all of the extra appointments and blood work. But it actually worked. Younger daughter may end up there too.
Anonymous
doxycycline IS an antibiotic. this response makes no sense
Anon
Well, yes. But there are time-released versions that are low dose (Oracea, Aprillon) and they do not actually have an antibiotic effect. They have an anti-inflammatory effect only and can be used safely for years without risk of resistance nor the side effects that come from antibiotic doses of doxycycline. I took Oracea for years to control rosacea and associated acne and it was almost miraculous in terms of efficacy.
Anon
+1 it is nonsensical
Architect
https://www.webmd.com/drugs/2/drug-8773-729/doxycycline-monohydrate-oral/doxycycline-40-mg-extended-release-capsule-oral/details
Anon
I would try vitamin B5 first before going the antibiotic route. A family member had cystic acne on his back and face for years, similar to what you’re describing. He’d tried accutane and spirolactone with some results but also side effects. He found some research on treating cystic acne with high doses of vitamin B5, and he had literally magical results after just a couple weeks of vitamin B5 supplementation, with no side effects. If you google “reddit vitamin b5 cystic acne”, that should take you to some threads with people discussing their experience and sharing specific dosage protocols that they’ve used. It seems like it doesn’t always work for everyone, but when it works, it really works. My family member literally went from terrible cystic acne all over to now having completely clear skin. So I’d at least consider giving it a try.
Also, from what I understand, most people can just take vitamin B5 for a relatively short period of time until the acne clears, and then that seems to fix the underlying mechanism that is causing the acne, so this could be a relatively short treatment period compared to longer-term antibiotics.
Anonymous
Low dose doxy is safe, esp if he is otherwise healthy. It may be that he just takes it for 3 months and that’s enough for control.
Anon
Can you have a sinus infection w/o a fever? I came down with a cold last weekend. I still have terrible nasal congestion and sinus pain and feel like I’m getting worse, not better. But I don’t have a fever, which I thought was a requirement for a secondary infection. Wondering if I should go to the doctor or wait.
PolyD
I had a sinus infection without fever a few summers ago. Because I wasn’t really sick sick, I didn’t go to the doctor for weeks. Once I did go, they gave me some antibiotics, and I felt so much better. I hadn’t realized how low I had felt for so long, because it was sort of subtle – no fever, no tons of snot, just some congestion and pressure in the sinuses and feeling kind of draggy.
So yeah, if you aren’t feeling better, give the doctor a call.
Anon
Solidarity sister. It is usually coupled with a fever, even if it is low grade. I think I had a mild fever overnight, but I didn’t roll out of bed at 2am to take a temp so I can’t prove it for a layup diagnosis. The doc is likely going to want to wait until it’s been 2+ weeks so while you might need meds, you also might just be told to wait it out. This would be a good time to call the nurse line and ask before dragging yourself in. Unfortunately I’m in exactly the same boat.
Pep
There are bacterial fungal infections, as well as viral and fungal ones. I’ve never had a fever as part of a sinus infection.
In my case, sinus infections were tied to polyps that were blocking my sinuses from draining properly.
See the doctor if you’re in discomfort that’s not easing.
Pep
Ugh, “bacterial SINUS infections…”
AnonInHouse
I had constant sinus infections growing up, and never had fevers. If you’re still feeling this way after ~2 weeks or so, probably worth getting it checked out.
Anon
I’ve had a lot of sinus infections and have never had a fever with any of them.
Anonymous
Yes — have had recurrent ones, never with a fever.
Mrs. Jones
Yes.
Anonymous
Is there pain and pressure over your frontal or maxillary sinuses when you lean forward with your head? New tooth ache or sensitivity? You don’t have to have a fever. Call your PcP to see if they’ll call in 5 days augmentin to your pharmacy.
Vicky Austin
I want to thank whoever recommended getting Poem of the Day emails from the Poetry Foundation. They’re becoming such a bright spot in my day. :)
Anonymous
And thank you for posting this! I am signing up now.
Vicky Austin
Yay, passing it on! :)
Anon
Me too!
Anon
I love them, too!
Recently I went through this big unsubscribing day and reduced my inbox to Poem a Day, Word a Day, and fun, interesting newsletters like Laura Olin’s, Austin Kleon’s, and Ann Friedman’s. I love that my inbox is now about learning and exploring instead of consuming.
annienomous
I decided to try out the wide leg pants trend for the first time today. These are the first dress pants I’ve ever owned that weren’t skinny pants because that was the dominate trend for all 10 years I’ve been out of school. The pants are bright red and I paired them with a black tissue turtleneck, black tweed moto jacket, and black kitten heels (plus a bright red lip.)
I definitely felt a little insecure at daycare drop off with so much look, but I’m definitely loving it now that I’m at the office.
Anon
That outfit sounds awesome to me, I bet you look great!
annienomous
Would love to hear if any one else is pushing themselves out of their fashion comfort zones for the last Friday before the holidays officially start!
I also brought donuts in for the firm, and so I’m just generally embracing the joy of a Friday.
Anon
I need courage to wear a sequened skirt I bought. But I’m not sure where to wear it. My city skews very casual for social events (as in on any given night, most women are wearing flat sandals despite it being a driving city, , jeans, sundresses, etc.).
Panda Bear
How about pairing the skirt with a denim jacket and tee shirt to give it a more casual vibe?
Anonymous
A sequined skirt is perfect for any holiday events you’re going to! Wearing it with tee, flat boots, a jean jacket, or a tan LJ would make it more casual.
Anonymous
Wear your skirt with a t-shirt, sneakers, and a casual jacket (denim, leather), and you’re good to go. Or sneakers and a (stylish) sweatshirt.
Anon
This is what I would do. Sneakers and sweatshirt, tights.
Anonymous
I think Kendi Everyday just recently styled a sequin skirt with a chunky sweater.
EB
I bought leather pants last week and am dying to wear them but don’t know where to go!
annienomous
I’ve always gotten the most joy out of wearing something exceptionally cool (like leather pants!) to somewhere unexpected. I’d be making plans with friends to hit the local dive bar in those!
Anon
If they are not the super shiny kind, then literally anywhere! Think of them as jeans.
Anon
I can imagine this look and I love it so much. It’s super chic and “I definitely put this together on purpose and I know I look good” without being too much. And you did awesome pairing it with a neutral fitted top and using lipstick for the pop of color on top.
Senior Attorney
Yay! Sounds amazing!
Manageress
This outfit sounds amazing. Do you get a lot of mileage out of that tweed moto jacket?
annienomous
I just got it a month ago and would wear it 3x a week if I weren’t afraid of wearing it out too much faster than the matching skirt. It’s part of a J Crew skirt suit that i am loving.
Daffodil
Yesterday afternoon’s post mentioned the Dress Yoga Pants. Has anyone tried these and can tell me about them, especially for a curvy/pear shape? I work in a business casual office, so these seem like they could be good/comfy. Thanks!
Yes yes yes
I wear the black ones to my biglaw office and they are great, a bit more structured than yoga pants but still flexible enough to do yoga in. They hug the hips on me so I pair with a slightly longer sweater that comes mid-hip.
Anon
Following. I’ve wanted to try them for years but all the thin women shown wearing the pants seemed like the pants were very fitted – more yoga pant than dress pant. And I – a somewhere between pear and hourglass with a larger portioned rear and thighs feel like I’d look indecent in them at work.
rosie
Are you talking about Betabrand? If so, I really tried to love them, but they are too tight for my taste for office pants and I find that the waistband rolls and is not comfortable. It’s possible they don’t fit me (I am somewhat curvy, kept a medium in one style but don’t wear that often, and the large was clearly too big, so maybe I am in between the sizes), but they are kind of pricey for the use I get out of them. I think there are plenty of comfy, machine washable ponte pants out there I’d rather get (NYDY, Old Navy, etc.).
Irish Midori
I have 6 pairs and three coordinating suit jackets. I wear them to small claims court (probably not upper level courts unless in a pinch). They are perfect for long days like mediation and deposition marathons. I do round up on sizing, and prefer the boot cut to straight leg to avoid looking too yoga pant. The black ones were in rotation 1-3x week when I wasn’t a million months pregnant.
If you’re on the fence, Betabrand does have an excellent return policy and free shipping both ways. I’ve returned a couple dresses I didn’t love and had no problems.
anon
Not exactly yoga, but I wear Athleta’s classic Bettona pant.
I think they are in the process of being discontinued, so check and see if your size is left.
I have them in black, gray, navy.
Anon
I am size 8, 5’9″ with a butt and they are more leggings than pants on me. Good for casual wear but not appropriate for my particular office. I have a colleague with a different build who wears them and they look like work pants on her. I find the Eileen Fisher crepe pants to be a much better fit for me for work.
Anon
Not answering your question, but I posted my review on the Uniqlo EZ pants for a pear shape on the weekend thread! I used to have to get all pants tailored but I love that I can wear this out of the box.
Anon
Posting here to share that I’m negotiating a job offer now and don’t want to tell too many people before it’s done, but on the inside I want to shout from the rooftops!
I left a toxic work environment over a year ago and slid into a role with a lot of potential, but the team never came together the way it was originally pitched, and it has done a number on me – mentally, and hasn’t been stellar financially. I finally decided to look, didn’t get the first job I applied for (made it to the final couple candidates, was not chosen). I don’t necessarily believe in the law of attraction or manifesting, but I was called by a recruiter shortly after finding out I didn’t get that job, interviewed for two roles with prominent firms in my industry, jobs I’m not sure I would have even looked for on my own, and I now have offers from both. I’m negotiating with my top choice now, it’s a lucrative offer that sets me on the career path I want to pursue, and I am so excited.
I’m sure there are others out there who are struggling, I just want to say you’re not alone in the struggle, and there are people on your team who can lift you up that you might not even be aware of. I tentatively reached out to my network as I was applying for the first job, and I was overwhelmed by some of the folks who rallied behind me. My corporate/MBA-type friends sent me their interview prep materials. A mentor did a brain dump on his knowledge of the markets I’d be working in for one of the jobs. Others were generous in sharing thoughts via email or connecting with me for a 15 minute phone call to give me insight on everything from the teams I was interviewing with to typical comp ranges. And one industry friend told me not to sell myself short. I maybe got a little lucky with timing of open positions, but the support was there the entire time, I just had to ask for it, and I’m so glad that I finally did.
Senior Attorney
Wowzers! This is great!! Congratulations!!
Anon
Thank you, SA!
Anon
Awesome!
Gratefulpeach
Hi Anon,
I love your post…you are basically me right now. I have been interviewing for this dream role and had my last meeting on Monday with the Managing Partner. I left feeling confident I’d get an offer but like you I am scared of telling anyone yet praying and screaming on the inside.
I do believe in the laws of attraction and I believe your post is another sign from God that it is for me.
All the best lady.
Anonymous
Anyone have experience detoxing from Vyvanse or another stimulant? I have taken Adderall and then Vyvanse for almost 4 years and I’m no longer willing to deal with the unpleasant side effects (including insomnia and being an emotionless robot for most of my waking hours during the week). I have decided that I no longer want to take a stimulant daily and want to try to manage my ADHD in other ways (I have discussed this at length with my therapist). I stopped taking the Vyvanse cold turkey last week and have been in such a fog all week that I haven’t been able to accomplish a single thing at work. Luckily it was a slow week and I was able to get away with it by saying I had the flu, but I can’t continue like this. For anyone who has come off of a stimulant, how long did the withdrawl period last before your brain felt “normal” again? Were you able to be productive at work, or did you end up having to go back on the stimulant? I’m worried that I am going to have to take it on Monday to make up for how unproductive this week has been, and really don’t want to! Unfortunately, I need to also keep my job by not missing all of my deadlines. Help!
Anon
If a different medication is optional, doctors often prescribe Welbutrin off label to treat ADHD and it doesn’t have the same types of side effects you’re talking about and is generally well tolerated. You do have to taper down from it though, you can’t stop cold turkey.
Anon
I agree that in general it’s worth looking into Welbutrin for ADHD. It has a really long half life, so it’s a relatively easy taper down.
I’m also curious about some of the other off label meds like Namenda or central cholinergics.
For quitting a stimulant, I would rely on coffee or another caffeinated drink as a substitute.
Lots to Learn
Have you talked to your psychiatrist? My daughter takes Vyvanse and her psychiatrist told me that there are no withdrawal symptoms from Vyvanse. She said that once you stop taking it, it’s out of your system that day. So I’m wondering whether the fog is just what you feel like when you’re not on a stimulant, more than a side effect of withdrawal.
Anon
+1 This is the same thing I heard from my doctor when I was on ADD medication.
Anonymous
There are 100% withdrawal effects. This is why doctors and psychiatrists say you should taper off of the medication rather than stop cold turkey. Tons of studies and research on this even if you just google it. There is also a daily “crash” when the meds wear off.
Lots to Learn
Well, I’ve got to believe that a psychiatrist knows more about it than the internet. And I specifically discussed with her whether there is any need to taper off (like there was for anti-anxiety/depression drugs my daughter had used previously) and she said absolutely not. On top of that, my daughter only takes Vyvanse on weekdays and hasn’t experienced any symptoms when she doesn’t take it on the weekends (other than not being as alert and focused as she is with the meds). I’m sure everyone differs, but I still think OP should talk to her psych (or whoever prescribed the drugs) about it all.
Is it Friday yet?
Actually, the whole point of Vyvanse is that there is no daily crash – it’s designed to keep you at a steady level if you take it daily, and not to give you the spikes and drops that the older stimulant drugs do.
KCL
I cant believe it’s already time to start thinking about Christmas bonuses…
My legal assistant came to my firm about 6 months ago, and I’ve been working with her since she started. She is leaving before the holidays, and I’m not sure if it was entirely voluntary—she gave notice, but she might have been urged to start looking. Do I give her what I would have for Christmas before she leaves? I gave cash and a good bottle of wine to my last assistant (she’s a bartender, so I know she drinks). I was planning on either just cash or cash and a massage gift card to this one. She is going back to old firm if that would change your thinking—my guess is they will also give her something at Christmas.
Her replacement started a while ago but has only supported one partner up until now. I’ll be out the first half of December, so by the time the holidays roll around she will have been supporting me for about a week. Do I give her a check as well?
Most of the other practice groups in my office contribute to a pot and give one check to their assistants, but mine always just does individual gifts and the only other associate in my group is really weird about discussing things like this.
This pseudo-manager role is still weird to me. Shouldn’t my (big) firm be handling end of year bonuses for staff?
Anon
Give the leaving assistant her bonus before she leaves. Her new firm may not give her one and she supported you for a long time.
I personally wouldn’t give an assistant who supported me for a week a holiday bonus – the partner she’s been supporting can do that. I would give her a token gift, but not a cash bonus – she literally has done nothing for you at that point.
Anonymous
Less than 6 months! And she quit!
Anon
If some cash and a bottle of wine is considered a “end of year bonus,” I don’t want to work at your firm! You’re handling Christmas gifts, not bonuses, it sounds like. Give a gift to whoever you want to, but it sounds like you have the resources to be generous. I’m sure your kindness will be appreciated by the assistants who have helped you in some way this year.
Anonymous
I once worked for a first who’s “bonus” for associates was a case of wine. I don’t work there anymore.
Anonymous
*whose. I swear I know grammar.
Flats Only
And horrifying that the legal assistant needed to continue bar tending on the side – shouldn’t a legal assistant role pay a living wage? (Yes, I have tons of respect for bartenders, and hope they make tons of money, I just don’t think someone in a white collar gig that requires a decent education should have to work two jobs to get by).
Anonymous
Why are you assuming this? Maybe she has an expensive hobby, maybe she likes the cash every night that you take home from bartending–maybe she like the social aspect of the job? There are a hundred reasons why someone works at a job outside of 9-5 or has a second job–it’s not necessarily a “wage” issue.
Anon
Yeah, this is absolutely horrible. “I’ll give her a bottle of wine for her end of year bonus since she has to work as a bartender in addition to this terrible job just to pay her rent!” The fact that your assistant is going back to her old firm after 6 months I think speak volumes…
KCL
The bartender makes close to $100k. She enjoys her bartending job, I included that detail only because I thought people would jump all over me for gifting alcohol… I’m a frequent reader but rarely post and this is really the reason.
Anonymous
Honestly, I would probably just bring her a treat on her last day (donuts, a dozen nice cookies, an edible arrangement, etc.) and thank her for her help, and let it go.
Anonymous
I would give her nothing. She quit.
The new one I would give a token gift. Fancy chocolates or some such.
Anonymous
I’d do small gifts for both. For those who see no use in acknowledging the quitter–consider that, in some ways, keeping solid relationships with those who leave is just as important if not more. You never know where they will land and who they will be talking to some day. I work in Chicago (so large city) and have changed fields once it’s still surprising how many of my connections bump into each other in one way or another. And today’s assistant could be tomorrow’s gate keeper. Plus it’s just the nice thing to do when they have helped you for the past six months.
I also don’t understand this as “bonus” situation–shouldn’t that be determined by the company? To me, it’s not a bonus situation but one of gift giving.
KCL
I see people jump all over others in comments, but didn’t really expect it here. My understanding is partners write big checks, associates write smaller checks. I gave a $100 check and a $75 bottle of wine when I had been there less than a year. I expect her partners each wrote a check for at least $500, and the senior did a couple hundred. That isn’t far off from what I received as an end of year bonus when I worked in a corporate role before law school. Maybe there is a bonus coming directly from the firm as well, but I’m not aware of one.
I’m all for token gifts—I really like both of these people, appreciate their hard work, and am understanding about the job change. My question was about writing a check / giving a pricy gift/bonus/whatever you want to call it.
StaringIntoTheAbyss
I’d like to get my SO a pillow for Christmas (the one he’s currently using is several years old and giving him neck pain) but I don’t feel confident about being able to pick out the right one given how personal pillow preferences are. Has anyone tried the Pluto Pillow? Or do you know of any other companies that let you gift a pillow that the recipient then gets to pick out? I know I could do a Target gift card or something but then it’s likely to just get used on groceries.
Vicky Austin
Why not a gift card to not-Target? I don’t know who sells good pillows other than Target (that’s where mine are from, haha) but there’s plenty to choose from, surely. Company Store, Lands End, Bean, Pottery Barn…
C2
I’ve been coveting a NIGHT pillow, I think you can try it for 100 days and return?
Julia
Caspar has pillows, and I know they offer a try-it policy on their mattresses.
HowLongIsTheWait
How long is the wait to hear on gov. jobs?
It’s only been a week and a half, but I *really* want it so it seems like MONTHS.
Thanks.
Anonymous
Literally months to never
Maria
What are you applying for? I am sure it depends on the agency but I have gotten interview offers within a few weeks after the closing date from USAO and SEC.
nona
Like, from the time you submit an application or after an interview?
Honestly a week and half isn’t that long for any job (from the time of interview). I would expect a gov’t jobs to be even longer.
HowLongIsTheWait
I had the “final” interview, so counting from that.
anon a mouse
If you’ve interviewed already, it still likely will take several weeks to get approval to hire and put together an offer package. I had an inside track for a job and it took 3 weeks before HR called to tell me that the offer was coming, and then it took another week to get the formal letter. Hang tight!
Anon
If you’re talking about USA Jobs, I’ve personally seen people wait 6 weeks to two months just for a response other than “we received your application”. Most people I know receive no response. Getting hired off of USA Jobs applications IME is kind of a crap shoot and often fruitless – veterans and people already working in the government in some capacity are preferred and a lesser qualified but technically qualified veteran will generally get the spot above a more qualified non veteran.
Anon
It’s kind of impossible to say, that’s very broad. But *probably* you’ll have to wait longer than private sector, and either way, a week and a half isn’t long in the job search world.
Anonymous
I went on Wellbutrin a few months ago and it has been a godsend for my depression. This is my first time getting treatment. However, it’s increased my migraines from one every 2 months to 2-3 a week. I am on allll the meds for migraine bc without them I have a chronic 24/7 migraine. So frustrating to have meds that work for treating one thing totally disrupted by meds that also work for treating another thing :(
anon for this
I feel you. I loved what Wellbutrin did for my anxiety but I gained 10 lbs in 3 months. Quit the WB but haven’t been able to shed the weight. :/
Texas Migraines
Sympathy. Had the same experience, although the frequency of the migraines did diminish over time.
Anon
Have you tried a different manufacturer? I deduced that only the Bupropion manufactured by PAR gave me migraines. Your Dr can specifically request only non-generic to be issued to you at the pharmacy. I am OK with other generics so I just check the manufacturer when I pick up.
Anon
Have you tried Zoloft? My headaches improved on Zoloft but I don’t typically have migraines.
M
Have you tried the antidepressants that are also used as migraine preventatives? I’m assuming so, but just in case, ask your doctor about them. I’m on amitriptyline but there are others.
Anonymous
I am looking for favorite bedding (sheet set and duvet cover) recommendations. I tend to sleep hot, so I would like some on the cooler side. I’m in the PNW though, so probably percale/100% cotton over linen. I’ve been intrigued by Brooklinen, but I see so many mixed reviews on the sheets and customer service.
Anon
For sheets, Target threshold. I also sleep hot and these are cooler than other sets I have. They’re not really fancy or expensive, but I think they’re great sheets.
Anon
We love the LL Bean percale sheets. We just got a linen duvet cover from Cultiver, and it seems lovely so far. I sleep very hot.
Anonymous
I am in San Francisco today and want to buy a nice dessert to bring to my friend’s for about 6 people for dinner. Any recs? I’m in union square but could travel. Must be able to survive 45 min train ride (no ice cream).
Anon
Susie Cakes? The one I go to is more FiDi, but that’s not too far & there may be one closer to you, not sure.
Anon
Check Whole Cakes..
SF in House
If you are willing to go down to the Ferry Plaza, Miette and Mariposa are very good. Mariposa is gluten free. Closer to you, there are a couple of places in Crocker Galleria — La Luna Cupcakes (good) and Andersen Bakery (no experience.
Anon
Has anyone here who has been getting brazilian waxes for years stopped and can advise me on alternative grooming? I assume I will want some sort of trimming device, but which one? Not interested in shaving except for the rare pool/beach trip.
My reasons for stopping are entirely because of the cost and time involved.
Anon
This has been discussed on here before, but if you are a candidate for it I cannot recommend laser enough. While obviously it takes time in the form of having to do the sessions, once you are done you are DONE. I am probably 10 years out and it has been great. Also, obviously it’s a little pricey but if you do any sort of calculation per alternative wax you were doing it probably comes out ahead.
Abby
I have my first session in a few weeks and I can’t wait to never think about shaving again.
OP
Anyone have recommendations for a place in NYC? Pricey up front but perhaps this would be a better long term option…
Anonymous
I use one of those little beard trimmers to keep things short and tidy. It takes maybe 3 minutes once a week and is the easiest thing in the world.
OP
Any recommendation on a specific brand and model? Do I need a narrower one?
Anonymous
Just checked and it looks like what I have is the “Panasonic Bikini Trimmer and Shaver for Women ES246AC, Compact, Portable Design with Adjustable Trim Settings, Battery Operated.” I’ve had it for 4 years now and going strong.
OP
Thanks for checking!!
Anon
I just ordered one online that was marketed specifically for women. I think it probably is a little narrower.
Anon
Yup, that’s what I do too.
Anonymous
what is the barefoot dreams cardigan that everybody likes? I see several different styles/textures online
anon
following……………
anonforthis
I am a non-equity partner in small firm, less than 5 lawyers. My name is on the door, but I’m a salaried employee. I’m looking to transition out of a traditional law firm setting and applying for some corporate non-attorney positions that draw on my experience with contracts. Should I designate my non-equity status on my resume? On the one hand, I feel like it would make clear that I do not any have ownership even though my name is on the door and might even signal why I might be leaving my firm. On the other hand, I wonder if employers outside of law will understand what that distinction means.
Sunflower
I’d leave it off. I don’t think your target audience understands the distinction.
Anon.
Employers outside of law will not understand the distinction.