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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This wrap dress has been around for a few seasons, but I really like the colorways that are available now. This navy and pink dot is a really pretty winter-to-spring piece — it would look great with tights and boots for now, or bright flats and bare legs in the spring. I also love the gray snakeskin print and the cobalt blue.
The dress is $99 and available in sizes XS–XXL. It comes eight colors — three solids, and five prints. Long-Sleeve Wrap Midi Dress
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Laptop bag rec?
I need a laptop bag. My old job provided a cheap nylon one that worked fine, although I rarely needed to use it. It stayed with the old job. New job doesn’t provide one and I will need to use it more frequently. Anyone have a favorite? Preferably under $50, more focused on functionality than beauty.
BeenThatGuy
I have an Everlane laptop backpack and have been very happy with it. The current model, the ReNew Transit backpack, is currently wait listed but is worth a look. It’s only slightly over your price point at $88 but if you sign up for emails, you can get a 15% discount.
Anonymous
If $ is a factor, I’d just get a sleeve and put in a tote you already own (Target has good ones but in my BigLaw job I see a lot of LL Bean-style totes with conferences /logos on them or plain).
Laptop bag rec?
I’m actually interested in a standalone crossbody laptop bag. Not a pocket that goes in a different bag. And under $50.
Ribena
Another consideration is that the standalone bags make it really obvious you’re carrying a laptop. From a safety point of view that’s not ideal. I have a plain black AmazonBasics sleeve which works great.
Anon
I bought my husband a Samsonite on ebags for under $70. It’s been holding up well. Has the travel strap..
anon
I have the Radley Spring Tote – nylon. Perfect for travel and won’t get beat up like leather. Got it for about $80 with coupons at Macy’s. For your price point, I would try Target or Amazon.
Anonymous
ebags had a reasonable selection last time I checked.
Anon
$31 – https://www.staples.com/Targus-16-CitySmart-Sleeve-with-Strap-Gray/product_383757
I have an older version of this. It’s basically a sleeve with a front pocket for accessories and a detachable shoulder strap. I use this with my tote.
clothing help
I have a new wool dress with full acetate/polyester lining. I’ve notice the few times that I’ve worn it that the underarms of the lining really stink as soon as I have the slightest bit of dampness (normal daily activity so not even really sweating). I’ve never had this problem with other clothes. What’s going on and how do I prevent this?
Anon
Underarm pads – you can get peel & stick disposable ones, I believe.
anne-on
Vodka and water sprayed on the area (after you wear it of course) will also help neutralize the smell.
Anonanonanon
I have some Boden dresses that have this problem. If I wash them and put vinegar in the wash when it rinses it really helps. That’s the only thing I have found that makes a difference. Ask a Clean Person (I forget her name) covers this, I think that’s where I got the vinegar idea.
Ellen
You should use alot of anti-bacterial soap and shower in the morning. That way, you do not have a night of sweat built up after you shower the previous evening. Plus, if you have a significant other, this only makes things worse if he wants to be amurous overnite, as you will have his scent on top of yours. So definitely shower in the morning, paying close attention to your arm pits. The other OPs are correct with the sweat pads and deoderants, but if you are fresh and clean in the morning, that will be a great start!
Anonymous
What are best practices when a close friend’s parent is dying slowly? One friend’s mom just lingered in the hospital for 3 weeks, in a coma after a fall, before dying — another friend’s dad is starting hospice today. Feels like nothing is enough.
Anonymous
I just went through this with my Dad. Was 11 months in all, but 2 months in and out of hospice and at home with us moving and changing him until he died. While I appreciated people’s “prayers and thoughts” what really helped was when someone said “I’m making X dish and would like to bring you some for you to have on hand/in your freezer. Would you like me to bring that over? When would be ok for me to drop it off?” The meals were really helpful because we had zero time to cook. It would have bee nice if someone offered to watch the dog, let the dog out or walk or feed the dog on some of those 15 hour days in the hospitals, too. Other people would say weird things like “let me know if you want me to come over and sit with you.” We didn’t need sitting. It was too much to have people drop in and expect us to cook for them so they could wallow in their sadness about what was happening rather than actually helping or offering to do a trip to the hospital. We needed someone to run the vacuum and fold laundry and help us have a minute to shower. There was a good article on this topic in the NYT recently…
Vicky Austin
Not dealing with this exact situation right now, but man, my neighbor’s willingness to take care of our dog has been a godsend.
Maudie Atkinson
Perhaps a counter point, both when my dad was dying, and after my husband left, which is its own kind of grief, I would have welcomed someone just coming to sit with me, but only if sitting actually meant just being with me–not expecting me to entertain them or host them or whatever.
To me, the key is taking on as much of the burden of your “helping” and not thrusting it on your friend. So rather than saying, “Let me know what I can do,” offer to do specific things at specific times. “I have some free time Saturday afternoon–would it be helpful for me to take the kids to a movie/walk the dog/drop off some groceries/do some laundry/take you for coffee or tea or a glass of wine or a foot massage?,” etc. Your friends can always refuse or propose an alternative.
Another thing you can do is just remember after the dust of caring for the dying and dead has settled. A year from now, on Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, on your friend’s birthday, ask them about how they’re feeling facing those days without their parent. Share a happy story or memory if you knew the person. Their support will peak around the death but wane after, and so continuing to show up after is really, really important.
Honey
One of the best things one of my friends did for me was come visit me for the first Mother’s Day after my Mom passed. She didn’t make a big deal of it, just distracted me enough so I wasn’t wallowing the whole weekend.
Anonymous
There’s no such thing as best practices. This is humans not a corporation. You know your friends better than we do. I liked it when people organized a meal train, sent cozy slippers, and texted me kind words. But I think the truth is that it’s awful and there’s no one right way to help.
anony
Actually, there are! Your suggestions/others are perfect. While they seem obvious, they clearly are not. As my friends did none of them. They all decided “give her space” was the best practice, I guess.
This is particularly helpful as many young women on this site haven’t had one of these tragedies happen to them yet, so can’t really relate.
Anon
Your second statement is BS. You have no idea what “many” young women on this site have gone through and what we can or can’t relate to.
Anonymous
Wow, way harsh Tai. I personally agree with anony. I’m in my early 30s and (thankfully) have not yet had to navigate the challenges of ill parents nor have most of my friends. I appreciate this discussion and the suggestions about how I can support others when this issue manifests in my life.
Quail
A good rule of thumb is that more people have probably experienced tragedy than you think. But I think the sentiment of the above applies – when you haven’t been through an experience yourself, it is hard to know what the person might want. I lost my mom to cancer in my 20s and my friend who lost her dad as a child has since that time made sure to reach out to me on various important dates (birthdays, death anniversaries, mother’s day). And now I make it a point to reach out in a similar way to those who have more recently lost parents. I’m passing it forward to new members of the admittedly terrible club that no one wants to be in.
So I think sharing experiences is important and asking for advice/shared experience is also important.
As for the OP – caregiving is tough work. When my mom was in hospice, I found both distractions and in-person help to be amazing. Whether it was a phone call, going for a walk, giving me a care-giving break by hanging out with my mom, bringing food – it all helped. The important thing was to just do it and don’t make it about yourself (the circles of grief – dump out, support in.) Hospice involves a lot of anticipatory grief – your relationship with the person dying has changed, you are mourning both the loss of the person in real time and dealing with the day-to-day misery, hope, love, fear, and monotony. And when the person dies after a lengthy illness, it can also sometimes be a relief in some ways for the caregiver, which can obviously be upsetting. I say this not so that you can armchair therapist your friends, but so that you can just have some idea of what *might* be going through their head (caveat that everyone’s experience and relationship are different…).
Anon
Anonymous at 12:24, you’re very, very lucky then. Never assume that because someone is young they haven’t been through hardship or tragedy. You can ask, but don’t assume.
anony
Many have, many haven’t. Don’t know why the response was so harsh but I assume it was because you were one who unfortunately has.
Sorry… Didn’t mean to hurt you.
NOLA
Unfortunately, I experienced this at a young age. My mom died of cancer when I was 24 and I was very involved with her care.
Anonymous
Nothing IS enough — that’s why it feels that way. There’s nothing you can do to take away the long, hard pain and grieving of death. You can be a friend, can be there (which is sounds like you’re doing), but …as you’ve experienced, that doesn’t do much in the face of such loss.
(Also…don’t let these circumstances embed a sense of hopelessness in you; today, in this same world where these people are dying, there are people being born, being getting healed, people whose lives are turning around for the better. It’s never ALL death and sorrow.)
Anon Probate Atty
I agree, it’s important to accept that you can’t do anything to keep them from experiencing the pain, but what you CAN do is be their friend and offer support in whatever way you can. Small gestures mean a lot, even if it means just showing up and not knowing what to say. My mother died when I was 18, the summer after my freshman year in college. That was over 25 years ago, but I still remember 3 of my guy friends from high school who showed up at the wake and each just silently hugged me. They didn’t have the “right” words, but no one else did either, and I loved them for being there regardless.
Anon
Go to the funeral/services/shiva/celebration of life. Show up. Do the thing. Send cards, flowers, casseroles, Peapod delivery, whatever. I actually didn’t love getting texts while I was sitting next to a parent dying – felt weirdly impersonal and intrusive. I wanted to be able to respond to people on my own time, and texts/calls feel like they demand an immediate response. There is a very good instagram account @hereforyou.co that offers some good pointers and reminders, and I think also sends grief care packages.
anon
Not the same situation, exactly, but there have been times when I am very, very, very sick and hospitalized or just released from the hospital, and people specifically doing things has been helpful. Not “let me know if I can do anything!,” because I wouldn’t let them know, but “Do you want me to come over after work this week to walk the dog?” Or “I can come stay with the dog on Tuesday night” Or “I’m stopping at the grocery store, do you want some macaroni and cheese?” Offering very specific things shows an actual willingness and removes the emotional labor of “Should I ask? Is this too much to ask? I don’t know what I need.” Walking the dog and bringing food- not something I have to prepare or think about- were the two most helpful things when everything was just too much.
Generally, though: Specific acts of service without being asked, listening without providing advice, and, if the person needs it, being physically present. After a close friend died, one of my other friends (who didn’t know the friend who died) came over and sat with me, providing emotional support, while I made a dozen calls to all of our other friends. I needed someone there just with me, in that moment, as I said the worst news I’ve ever shared over and over and over.
Ellen
+1000. We had this issue many years ago with Grandpa Sy. Tho I was in college, I had to come home for a week for the funeral, and it was sad. My freinds from GW watered my plants and shared their class notes with me. They also sent a deli plate from a Kosher deli that we love on LI, and Grandma Trudy appreciated it, as it had Turkey, Corn Beef, Pastrami and Roast Beef (YUMMY!) Of course, she got lots of other food, but she was particularly touched that a few young women dormmates of mine, that she never met had sent a plate of good food, which was very much needed, as many of her freinds came over to sit shiva and they ate that deli like they never had good food before.
Anonanonanon
Agreeing with everyone who said to offer something specific.
I always feel uncomfortable about the idea of someone coming in my house and doing laundry, but that is what would actually be helpful. I’m assuming friend is still working if this is taking a long time, so they may have some drycleaning etc. I’d say “I’m going to the cleaners, and I’m going to take anything you need to have laundered and pressed or drycleaned. Would you like me to pick up the stuff tomorrow or saturday?” It’s less stressful than feeling like your friend might wash your period underthings.
Ubereats gift cards, bringing over easy meals (Frozen stouffers lasagna, frozen garlic toast, bagged salad is my go-to), if your budget allows sending a housekeeper to their house, etc.
Anon
Anyone have a sworn by way of removing old stains from a carpet? Bought a house with some discoloration on the basement carpet (pet stain), and would rather not immediately replace.
Thank you!
Anonymous
I was amazed with what a professional carpet cleaning can do if you tell them that it is an old carpet with stains and you want some specific old pet stains treated (and point them out). I use a tenatious local company in my city that I found on Angie’s list but I imagine this is standard among good companies if you read the reviews for a situation that sounds like yours.
Anonymous
Not the answer you want, but if I were moving into a house that had pets, I personally would replace the carpet even if it looked ok. Pets shed and have accidents. For every pet stain you see, there’s a bunch you don’t see – maybe they were cosmetically cleaned up, but the carpet pad is still gross. I’d also want to know sooner rather than later if any pet messes had soaked into the subflooring, as that can cause more issues the longer it sits.
Anon
Agree with this. The people who owned our house before us had pets that apparently had a lot of accidents, more than we realized. They had the carpets professionally cleaned before we moved into the house and when I still smelled pee, I had them deep-cleaned and treated again. Finally, last fall we had the carpet removed and put down vinyl plank flooring. The change in the smell was noticeable right away, and additionally when they pulled up the carpet in our guest room, we discovered a relatively thick layer of the “carpet fresh” stuff they had been using on the carpets that had sunk through the carpet and the (very degraded) padding and was sitting on the subfloor. One of my kids had been having allergies since we moved into the house and after we took the carpet out, the allergies went away. Gross carpet is gross carpet. There’s only so much you can do to remediate it. I love the vinyl plank flooring we got and the cost of replacement was well worth it.
Belle Boyd
There’s a product called Spot Shot that is great for getting stains out of carpet. I can only attest to how well it works on fresh stains, not old stains, though, and I know it works on pet stains (as well as spilled coffee and soda, mud, tree sap, makeup, and some kind of “mystery stain” nobody seemed to know what it was or where it came from.) I’d definitely do a spot test first — I had it work so well that it lightened the carpet rather noticeably — but other than that, the stuff is amazing.
Anon
An area rug over the carpet. You’re probably never getting it out.
Anon
Even if the stain doesn’t get out, treating it with a enzymatic cleaner to break down the pet organic material and neutralize the smell will do wonders. I typically use an enzymatic cleaner (Nature’s Miracle is my favorite) then spray after it dries with a vinegar water mixture (25-50% vinegar – rest water). Cover any residual stains with a rug.
Anon
I agree but recommend Kids’n’Pets over Nature’s Miracle (just because Nature’s Miracle has failed for me where a later application of Kids’n’Pets succeeded).
Minnie Beebe
Oxiclean, but it’s a stop-gap measure at best.
Audio book recc
Going on a long overdue beach vaca and looking for recommendations for audio books to listen to while relaxing. Would prefer nothing too heavy. Has anyone listened to any good fiction or suspense books lately that they loved?
BabyAssociate
Read not listened, but my favorite fiction recently has been Little Fires Everywhere and Where the Crawdads Sing.
lsw
I have enjoyed all of the audiobook versions of Tana French novels. Probably because they all have Irish or English accents. They were available from my library.
I also love Agatha Christie audiobooks, which are often read by David Suchet (who played Poirot) or Hugh Fraser (who played Hastings).
Ribena
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m really enjoying the Frances Barber recording of Austen’s Mansfield Park – it’s the Audible Original edition. I’d usually not be one for classics on the beach but this is excellent. The narrator really expresses the cattiness going on. I’ve also loved listening to the Eva Ibbotson romances on audio – they’ve been marketed as YA and are mostly abridged but are still gorgeous. Start with The Secret countess/ countess below stairs (narrated by Sian Thomas) or The Morning Gift (narrated by Willow Nash).
On a totally different vibe I LOVED the new Sam Bourne – To Kill The Truth – on audio.
Ellen
I liked the Ronan Farrow book “Catch and Kill” b/c it was all about Harvey Winestein, and he read it himself. He was very interesting, and played all of the voices, including the women, which was funny, b/c he put on accents and everything. You can use audible.com, or get the overdrive app.
Casper
The audio version of Daisy Jones and the Six is fantastic! It’s a interview style book about a (fake) rock band in the 70’s and they have a different voice actor for each character
Audio book recc
I read the book, but now I’m kicking myself for not saving it for audio!
Anonymous
The Cupcake Bakery mysteries by Jenn McKinlay.
Reader
The River by Peter Heller was amazing. I read it in one night.
Dark Matter by Blake Crouch- I read it on Kindle so I’m not sure how it would do on audio, but it was not my normal read and pulled me in.
The Martian is incredible on audio, although Audible re-recorded it with a new narrator recently.
Secret Diary of Hendrik Groen Aged 83 and 1/4 is very sweet and I loved it on audio.
Where the Crawdads Sing on audio was great.
If you like Harry Potter, but haven’t heard them on audio, it’s a completely different and wonderful experience.
The Alice Network is a WWII historical fiction novel that i loved. It isn’t light, but it isn’t super heavy, either.
Next Year in Havana is a cute historical fiction.
Bad Blood reads like fiction but obviously isn’t.
I’ll Be Gone in the Dark is true crime and I read it in like two days.
The Widows of Malabar Hill is a mystery set in India and is loosely based on the first female solicitor in India, although totally fiction.
The Life We Bury is a mystery and it was great on audio!
Station Eleven is really good on audio- another book where the audio and the non-audio experiences are completely different. Hunger Games on audio, too.
I didn’t expect to like I Am, I Am, I Am, but loved it.
I’ve recommended her blog a million times here, but Modern Mrs. Darcy has great book recommendations, including books that are excellent on audio!
Cbara
Has anybody here had experience with Sculptra injectable facial filler? I have lost a noticeable amount of subcutaneous fat in my cheeks. My facial plastic surgeon said that for that area Sculptra is the best filler for that area. But she warned me about the rare possible side effect of forming nodules under the skin. I would really like to treat this area but I don’t want to regret it. So I thought I’d see if any of you out there had experience with this particular filler.
Anon
Listening with interest. I naturally have a lot less fat in my eye socket and have thought about getting it filled in to balance out my face. I’ve heard that Sculptra lasts a lot longer but hyaluronic acid based fillers have fewer long term side effects and are more easily tolerated. I haven’t had either but tbh I think I’d prefer some long term bruising that can be covered by makeup than a permanent nodel under my skin as the potential worst side effects.
Anonymous
My plastic surgeon does not touch the eye socket area. He said it can look odd and carries a low but real risk of blindness. He does the temples on me. You don’t realize how hollow temples are aging. It also lift the eye area around it .
Anonymous
My new guy and I are going to cook dinner together tomorrow night. He said he would pick up ingredients, I’ll get the wine. Should I also pick up something else? Dessert? Chocolates? A card?
Anon
How new is the guy?
Anonymous
This will be date #5, at my place, not the first time he’s spent the night.
Anonymous
If it’s your place, then wine is enough if that’s all you want to do, but you could also have some chocolates stashed away – nice chocolates, but maybe not in a heart shaped box – in case he doesn’t bring a dessert and you’re craving something sweet after the meal, depending on the overall “vibe” of the night you could plat it off like it’s something you just happened to have, or admit you got them for the evening, as a gift or something to share. Or if he brings dessert, you can eat them yourself whenever you want!
Ellen
Since it is VD, if he is coming over, make sure you have clean sheets, b/c I would anticipate you having s-x with him after a bottle of wine and good food. Good luck, but make sure that he uses protection, as you do NOT want to have to deal with any STDs. FOOEY!
anon
My all over the place thoughts on this:
It’s hard to shake the “I need to bring something” feeling, but you do not always have to bring extra things.
If you’re hosting this dinner then you don’t need to get anything else.
If you’re going to his house you get yourself in a nice outfit that makes you feel great and go have fun :)
Caveat to all the above: I like dessert, and chocolate in particular. I would consider bringing something small and decadent to split if new guy is into dessert too. Not everyone is and if that’s the case, I would save the sweets for myself later if I wanted them that badly, and just let wine be the sugar for the evening.
Vicky Austin
Wine is enough, dessert if you must (chocolates count as dessert). :)
Angela
Is your comment in the context that it’s Valentine’s Day? In any case, absolutely not. You agreed to get the wine; bring wine.
I have to say I don’t like the questions that have popped up on here lately from women who seem to be contemplating whether to gift things for Valentine’s Day to men they’ve been on a single date with or are very casually dating. At this stage of a relationship, he should be wooing and spoiling you. If he shows up with a cute Valentine thing because he just couldn’t help himself, great. But ladies, play a little bit hard to get. Don’t be so desperate to “celebrate Valentine’s Day” with a guy.
Anon
This is unnecessarily cruel, and also kind of sexist (lots of us don’t need to be wooed or spoiled, thank you very much – I make my own money and can spoil myself). “New guy” is vague. I agree if it’s a second date, it’s weird to give him an individual gift, but if they’ve been dating exclusively for a month or two it’s very different (my husband and I had picked out baby names by two months in, and I certainly would have given him a gift if there’d been a holiday in that time frame). I also don’t think bringing a dessert or chocolates for them to share, which is what she suggested, is the same as giving him a gift that’s just for him, like a wallet. If they both like chocolate, it seems perfectly appropriate to get a fancy chocolate dessert to share, even if it’s just a second or third date.
Angela
Right, but did you need to go on this board and ask if it’s appropriate to pick out baby names with your guy at 2 months in, or was it so obvious you were vibing that you just went with it?
Perhaps my advice should be amended to say, if you have to ask: don’t.
Anon
She didn’t ask about picking out baby names, she asked about bringing dessert to a dinner someone else is hosting. My advice would be the same whether the host is a guy she’s boning casually or a work friend or her sister’s MIL…if you think the people at the dinner would enjoy chocolate, there’s no reason not to bring chocolate. Calling her “desperate” is nasty and sexist (it’s ok for him to bring her a Valentine’s Day treat but not the other way around?!) Nothing she wrote suggests she’s making more of this relationship than it is. Everybody likes dessert.
Anon
And people ask host gift questions here ALL THE TIME. I guess all of us who are unsure what to wear or bring to XYZ dinner party or event should just…not go? Because we asked for advice? Come on.
anon
You are ignoring the fact that everyone has different ideas when it comes to how fast their relationships should move, and there is nothing wrong with bouncing ideas off of people and getting different perspectives. I think you just wanted an excuse to put people down and poke people’s insecurities about dating, which is pretty cruel.
Angela
She’s hosting it. It’s at her place.
If there wasn’t a romantic/gifty/Valentiney context to the question, I completely misread that. If she just wants to serve cake with dinner, obviously that’s fine. So obviously that it wouldn’t seem to be worth asking, which is why I read more into it. But I could be wrong, it has happened before.
Anonymous
Sometimes it helps to bounce ideas off others, especially when you’re in unfamiliar territory and honestly not sure what’s typical or expected, just to make sure you don’t unintentionally commit some crazy faux pas. Asking for input on a website doesn’t always mean someone is helplessly drowning in anxiety and confusion, with no idea what to do or where to go, a question can just be a question.
anon
Why are you being obtuse? You’re getting push-back because you implied that she (and all other women who were considering the most minor of romantic gestures on valentine’s day) was desperate and not behaving in a way that would be appealing to a man or result in him committing to her.
You didn’t even say, “eh, that might come off as a little forward.” You called her desperate.
Anon
+1
Also ew at “being wooed and spoiled.” I’m looking for a partner, not a sugar daddy. I can take care of myself perfectly well, I’d just like some company along the way.
Anon
+ a million to Anon at 1:46. Don’t want to be “wooed and spoiled”, catered to, kept, or anything of the like. That sort of thing makes me think of my grandmother’s generation, where the sweet little woman was spoiled, petted and cosseted, bought treats and presents, and sheltered from life’s problems.
Anon
Yikes!
Ellen
I think that we ask b/c men are often just interested in s-x, and on Valentine’s day, they often get it very easily. When I was dating my ex, he bought be a box of damaged chocolates from CVS that was proably worth $8, and then demanded s-x b/c it was Valentine’s day, and I owed him the s-x. I went thru with it b/c he was my boyfreind, but could NOT believe he felt so entitled to the s-x, which by the way was AWFUL! FOOEY on him!
Another anonymous judge
He said he’d get the ingredients. I think you should trust him to get the ingredients! Presumably he’ll get ingredients for dessert. I guess if YOU really want to have dessert if he doesn’t plan for this, you could have some chocolates stashed in the cupboard “in case of emergency.” But I’d let him do what he said he was going to do…
Anonymous
+1 If he says he will handle it, he will handle it (or fail, in which case there is pizza / chinese, perhaps knowing better what you’re dealing with). Bottom line: if he can’t fail, he also can’t succeed. Leave that option wide open. [Honestly: I do this with my kids all the the time; it’s hard not to fix things, but you have to step back; this is the opposite of how things have to be at work to a point, but you don’t want that at home long-term.]
anon
I agree with this. If someone said they’d pick up the ingredients for a Valentine’s dinner, I’d expect them to have some plan for dessert. I already have a stash of good dark chocolate in my pantry and some thin mints in the freezer, so I’d offer to share those if he doesn’t bring anything for dessert.
Anon
I have a pretty simple suggestion: Ask him if he’s planning on dessert or if you should grab a box of chocolates! That is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask no matter what time of year this date takes place.
Unlike others who think it is desperate to acknowledge the fact that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day, I’d have a cute and/or funny card ready to go. I think completely ignoring the fact that it’s Valentine’s Day is way more awkward than acknowledging it. That doesn’t mean you’re desperate or over the top.
NOLA
My guy shops if he’s going to cook and always brings dessert. He knows what I like and I trust him to pick a dessert that I will love (mmmmm…. chocolate dipped, chocolate filled cannoli). He doesn’t drink so I do wine.
Work product recognition
Is it okay for other attorneys at my firm to take my work product, pass it on to client as their own and file it without my name on it? I’m a junior non equity partner at a midsized firm. I don’t have my own book yet but am working on building it. I am known at my firm as a very good writer and enjoy writing and researching complex briefs. I will often be asked to write a brief in a matter that I haven’t done significant work on so my appearance is not entered in the case and I haven’t had any client contact. I’ll write the brief, send it to other partner who asked for it, who will then send it to client as if he wrote it without editing or otherwise contributing. Client will praise the work and partner will file it with their name on it. I’m starting to feel resentful about this because getting clients and opposing counsel to see my work product is one way I can build my own practice. And I take pride in my writing and have worked hard to develop it. I feel like instead of using that skill to advance my reputation in my legal community I’m basically just ghost writing for others at the firm. On the other hand, since I don’t have my own book and rely on others for billable work do I have much of a choice?
Anonymous
I would ask to be included. Where I am, it would be practice to include the junior author as well. The lead partner’s name would be listed first, but I would be there too.
Anon
Not if they haven’t made an appearance in the case!
At my former Big Law firm, most (but not all) partners would give you credit to the client, usually in the form of cc-ing you and mentioning you in the email to the client attaching the final draft. Then you would often work directly with the client on any edits. But if you aren’t otherwise involved in the case and haven’t made an appearance, you can’t sign the actual filing.
Anon
+1. This all sounds normal, and there are many, many reasons that you don’t want a ton of attorneys entering appearances in a matter that have nothing to do with taking credit.
Anon 10:08
I’m confused by the zero other involvement in the case but still writing the brief?
Anon
At least in large law firms, case teams frequently get overloaded and pull in extra associates/junior partners on a short term basis to do work on the case, but those people aren’t really staffed on the case. An associate who is known to be an excellent writer will frequently get assigned challenging briefs in cases they’re not normally staffed on. And as the person above said, there are reasons for limiting the number of appearances in a case – often a case has just a couple of appearances but dozens of people doing work behind the scenes. At least at my firm, it was often regional. An NY case would only have NY partners and associates appearing, but CA partners and associates could still work on the case.
Anonymous
Nope
Anon
Are you answering the first question or the last question?
Anonymous
If your goal is to make equity partner, you’re right to be concerned about this. I’ve seen a lot of people (usually women, fwiw) get pigeonholed into ghost writing briefs for everyone else. They’re kept so busy that they have little time to develop their own business. And because they also don’t get credit or appear in the cases, they aren’t getting their name out there either – you lose the opportunity to generate work from the client, co-counsel, opposing counsel, and anyone else who’s following your matters.
Now, a lot of people are perfectly happy with this role. It’s decent job security, they can more or less make their own hours, and they have little business development pressure. It’s not a bad gig if you’re cool with being a nonequity partner indefinitely. But if that isn’t the role you want then I think you have to push back on this. Ask to be more involved with the case and the clients, and if they say no, push work down to associates.
Ellen
I have been ghost writing breifs and articles for the manageing partner to sign for years. Personally, I don’t care b/c I am paid well, but if I ever were to go somewhere else, I have already uploaded my files onto my home BOX.COM account, so I can just change the name of the firm in the briefs, the name of the claimants, and then use them pretty much as is. When I write for the bar association, it is for the manageing partner’s credit, but I get 3x NYCLE credit for doing the work, even when he presents it b/c we know peeople at the bar association that lets us fill in the # of CLE credits we want and need each time. I already have more then my 24 credits! YAY!
Angela
Honestly, I don’t know that it would make much difference for a client if partner copied you on the email to the client and included an acknowledgement like “Attached please find our Opening Brief, prepared by Jane Smith, copied here. Please let us know your comments.” Unless you’re actually in the meetings or on the calls with a client, seeing a brief that they’re aware that you wrote isn’t going to cause them to form any particular opinion of you.
Ditto for opposing counsel — seeing your name as one of multiples on a signature block isn’t meaningful. They’ll only form an impression of you if you’re in the room or on the phone at negotiations and proceedings.
I completely get your frustration, but I don’t think your potential solutions will achieve the goal you’ve identified.
Bewitched
Not necessarily true if the client is an in-house attorney. I would definitely want to know who wrote a particularly well written and well researched brief.Not all clients are CEO’s or managers.
Anon
Disagree – I mean a client isn’t going to say “Ok, make Jane Smith the billing partner on all my matters because she wrote one great brief” but they can totally form a positive impression from a well-written brief, and those impressions count, especially at the senior associate or junior partner level. As a 5th-7th year, I was added onto matters because a client remembered my work on a previous matter and specifically asked the partner in charge to add me to the file.
anon
No, it’s not “okay” for other attorneys to take your work, tell or imply to the client it’s theirs, and file it without your name on it. I’d also watch the bill and making sure your time isn’t getting written off–if the other attorney is trying to hide the fact that you did 90% of the work, they’re unlikely to bill all your time.
People who are good to work with and work for share credit, especially with the client. My boss says it’s to his benefit to show his clients that the firm has a depth of expertise. If I do work for somebody and don’t get any credit with the client, I don’t work for that person anymore. You know you’ll get zero credit, but if something is wrong, you’ll take all the blame–so it’s basically a no-win situation for you.
It was practice in my previous firm to allow juniors who worked on the case to make appearances and to put their names under the partners’ when filing. I even had one boss stick up for me and insist they include my name on a brief I’d written even where I hadn’t made an appearance. (The filing did not get rejected, but there was no deadline, so we could have resubmitted it without my name if it had.)
I would ask to be included, at least with the client. If you don’t have your own book of business and this is how everyone in your firm handles things, I’d change jobs if you can.
Anonymous
Of course. This is standard at law firms.
M
I agree and am surprised at the comments. For junior associates, especially if you aren’t on the case, your name won’t be on the brief. You should get credit with the partners and the client for your contribution though.
Anonymous
I think if you were an associate, this would be more acceptable. But I cringed when I read that you are a partner and this is happening. If it’s just a one-off situation, I wouldn’t say anything, but if this is the norm I would definitely speak up.
Anon234
I have been working in France for almost two years now and getting to the end of my contract here. I was in the US before, as I look for a new job there one thing I have been wondering is whether it is possible to negotiate for more vacation time once one gets to the stage where they have been offered a position. The policy in France and I suppose many European countries is fairly generous and something. My parents and siblings live in a different part of the world and I have been able to visit once per year since I have been here, I am generally happier just because of this. I’m struggling with the idea of being in a situation where the policy is 10 or maybe 15 days as it is in North America because it means going back to see them as often. For those who have grappled with this how did you ask for more time off in your job or at the negotiation stage? Are there situations where companies allow unpaid time off, if so under what circumstances?
Anonymous
I think this regally depends on your job function, seniority, and industry.
I’ve worked for companies with unlimited PTO, but the culture was such that taking 25 days off for vacation would be damaging. My husband gets 3-4 weeks/year and 2 roll- I don’t know the exact number because he isn’t able to take it all (and he’s tried). With a rolling stock of 5-6 weeks plus holidays, We go on 2-3 week long vacations each year, plus long weekends. He will take a day when the kids have a snow day. He takes time around Christmas/New Years.
But practically speaking, he’s senior leadership and there are lots of things he needs to be present for, so constantly being OOO isn’t his reality. He has many people in his company with family overseas so it is common for someone to take one big 3 week vacation and still have enough PTO for a long weekend every once in a while.
Anonymous
I see a lot of this. 15 days a year PTO but usually taken as 2 or 3 trips of 7-10 days. 3-4 week trips are rare (maybe for a honeymoon)
Anon
My husband is at a place like that (CA tech firm). 3 weeks is about the norm for what people usually take. He almost always takes at least 4, one of which is a two week international trip. Like the OP, his whole family are on another continent, so it’s important for him to get back there for a significant chunk of time each year. We also typically do one other week-long trip, and he takes about 5 days in shorter increments–occasionally more if he also has a serious illness or something like a family funeral comes up.
So far, that’s had no negative career repercussions. He’s recognized as doing high-quality work, and is also willing to be semi-contactable on his longer trip. In fact, given that he works 100% remotely, I’m not sure most of his team realize that he takes more than the usual vacation, although I’m sure HR and his actual manager keep track. Remote work also means that he almost never has to take time off for illness – he will work, albeit not at full capacity, unless he’s so sick that he’s not lucid. It probably wouldn’t go so well if he were senior management, but he’s a classic software engineer who has no interest in being anything other than an individual contributor.
Anon
Unpaid time off is pretty rare. As far as negotiating for more paid leave, it depends. I once negotiated from 10 to 15 days. But if an employer offers 15+ days, that’s considered pretty generous for the US, and you’re unlikely to get more. My current employer gives everyone 20 days plus a Christmas to New Year’s closure, and feel like I won the lottery, because this is so generous for the US. But it’s still a lot less than what Europeans have.
Your best bet is probably asking to work remotely while you visit your family, possibly combined with vacation (eg., you use 1 week of vacation and work remotely for 2 weeks so you can be in your home country for 3 weeks). I know many people from foreign countries who have done that successfully.
Anon.
I’m in the same boat, spending al of my 15 vacation days (plus 3 days PTO, so 18 days total), visiting family abroad.
Negotiating more days is rare, sometimes because of the optics of a member of the team getting more days off than others.
I agree with the above suggestion of asking for a remote set up, or what the rules are for combining remote work with vacation. I have successfully done this.
AnonTechie
Could you look at one of the newflanged tech companies that have “unlimited” time off and actually take some time off and maybe work as needed?
I worked at one when i lived in the US and fully recognize that unlimited doesnt really mean unlimited, but in my experience, unlimited pto policy + decent team can easily get your ~4 weeks off as long as you are open to checking in if something blows up somewhere and needs attention.
CountC
I have been able to negotiate extra vacation days after I received an initial offer, but I don’t know how common it is for companies to agree to it. Usually, there are set vacation policies that follow tenure/seniority (e.g., 1-5 years you have X days/hours, bands 4-6 have X days/hours). Currently, I have 120 hours PTO and 48 hours personal time per year. I am still in the 1-5 year tenure block (80 hours), but becasue my position is a higher band I get an extra 40 hours of PTO.
I agree that unpaid time off for salaried employees is rare outside of something like FMLA.
Anonymous
Having worked in both places, my experience is that additional unpaid leave is uncommon. But more problematic from a travel perspective is a workplace culture that discourages taking more than a week, max two off at a time even if you have a 15 day allotment. I’m staying in my current position even with limited opportunity for advancement and increased pay because I am consistently get a three week vacation approved every year to visit DH’s family in Europe. While my kids are young, that annual trip is super important to our family. Good luck in your job hunt.
Anon
I have a related question and I might post it another day, but most of my workplaces have had set PTO bands for years of seniority. Is it even possible to negotiate with that when they present it as “standard”?
Digby
Yes, it is (I work in HR). Candidates ask for more vacation time than our schedule provides all the time, and they almost always get it. Vacation time for many salaried employees is relatively cheap – either you do the work before/after your time off, or your colleague does it while you’re out – no need to pay overtime or hire a temp to fill in. Companies would rather give extra vacation – which may not even get used – than higher pay or bonuses.
Coach Laura
Yep exactly what Digby says. In the US, in my industry 3 weeks is standard for mid-level managers but I always have negotiated 4 or 5 weeks and after a five years of service, senior people are moved up to 5 weeks. So some people have negotiated extra if they are high enough or valuable enough. Much easier to get than higher salary, unless you’re at a company that has some kind of equity between levels bias.
Anon
I know someone who had worked for 5 years in a managerial role at a tech company in Colorado. He asked the company for a month off (unpaid) to raft the Colorado River (a bucket list trip) and they said no. He quit instead of putting up with that BS and I believe the company did try to get him to stay. The U.S. is absurd and terrible sometimes.
givemyregards
This drives me crazy. The only time I’ve been able to take more than a week off at a time since I started working was when I quit jobs and give myself a bigger gap. I was talk to my SO about wanting to take three weeks off in a row (or a combination of working remotely and vacation) this year and how I’d probably have to quit my job in order to get it. It’s so stupid that a company would rather lose a good employee and take on the hassle of hiring/training something new rather than let someone be out of the office for three weeks during a slow period.
Anon
Government and higher ed are more relaxed about this. People don’t take 2-3 week vacations regularly, but it’s totally acceptable if you have family in a foreign country or you do it once in a while for a bucket list trip.
Anon
Basically everyone in my government office takes a 2-3 week vacation each year, except for the parents of really young kids who don’t want to travel with someone that little.
Anon
I work for the government and nothing happens during August because 1/2 the people are taking a 2-3 week vacation at some point. My job gives 25 days a year and one of my former bosses, who otherwise sucked, encouraged everyone to take a 3 week vacation once a year rather than a bunch of short ones because he felt that that’s how long it takes to really unplug.
Anon
It depends on the company’s policy. I was able to negotiate at two places, and not at two others. Some companies will consider your total years of experience in the industry and scale your PTO accordingly. Some will look at you as a new hire and won’t budge. I’ve had anywhere from 3 weeks to 4.5. It’s definitely worth asking, but it may or not be negotiable.
Abby
I received 2 weeks unpaid time off at my first job. I had been working there for 4 years (1 year intern, 3 years full time). My husband (then fiancé) was finishing medical school and wanted to take a long trip before starting residency. My department was pretty close knit, so everyone knew him and I approached my boss 6+ months in advanced. He had to clear it with our lead and HR, and I was given 2 weeks off, with the note that I shouldn’t tell anyone because this was a special case.
My vacation time at that team and my current (and future) job is 4 weeks, with 6 additional sick days.
Max vacation time at the first company was 6 weeks, current company max is 5 weeks. The first company also gave a 1 month sabbatical to employees that worked 7 years, so I know their benefits were top notch.
Anon
Is staying in Europe an option?
Anonymous
Sure you can try but you won’t get very far
Texan In Exile
I asked after I got the offer but before I accepted. I was really insulted that they gave me the same offer they would have given someone just out of college – just two weeks of vacation. I said I wanted to match the vacation I was leaving. New company didn’t quite match but got close.
When we hired another person for my group – another experienced hire, they wanted to give her only two weeks and I convinced my boss to give her three.
At another employer, a co-worker started with four weeks. She said she wanted to be considered at her total years in the workforce, not just at the new job.
So yes, it can be done.
blessed
First time poster here. I was able to negotiate an hourly wage with my small law firm with the condition that I am able to take as much unpaid vacation as needed to match my husband’s 4 weeks’ of PTO. It works well since if I work more hours, I get paid more. Conversely, if work is not so busy, I have the flexibility to work fewer hours. I have been able to take 4 weeks’ worth of unpaid leave every year and even for 2-weeks at a time to travel to Asia. All my other coworkers are salaried employees with the standard 2 weeks PTO, excluding holidays.
Politics on NPR
My local NPR station (near SC, but over the border) is broadcasting a show that has commentators / surrogates on it who are very:
1. OMG so pro Biden, like Iowa and NH never happened
2. Warren should just drop out of the race now
3. No one is mentioning Sanders
4. Mayor Pete is too young and appeals to white people (does this apply to anyone but him? has anyone seen the Bernie Bros?)
5. Not as much BBG as I would have thought given the media blanketing (apparently Warren has pulled media ads and is on to Nevada now?)
This is interesting b/c this is not how the national news sounds at all. Big Sanders rally planned tomorrow (like I will probably leave work early to avoid parking deck drama). And some BBG event coming up but ignoring specifics b/c it won’t impact drive time.
Anonymous
Interesting. This has generally been my take on the national news commentary as well, but re: your point no. 4, not sure who you mean by “Bernie Bros”, but my understanding is polls show Sanders has the broadest coalition of non-white support. I say that as a Sanders supporter so maybe I have confirmation bias.
anon
I think Warren is doing something of a last stand in Nevada because of her close relationship with Harry Reid. I’m not pro-Bernie but I kind of this the “Bernie Bro” thing is overstated these days. I think Bernie is doing better among younger votes of all races than people are giving him credit for.
The NYT is talking about how Steyer is doing better than people realize in SC. Anything about him on the show?
Anonymous
A bit at the end. He is also all in on the media ad buys that I see on FB and cable. BBG has a ton of signs cropping up. I don’t live where I’d likely see Sanders signs (think more university / college areas).
Anon
I have no idea what BBG is and googling didn’t help.
Jules
I think it refers to Bloomberg.
Anon
Can we stop calling Bloomberg BBG? It’s confusing (makes me think of that Kayla fitness person) and feels vaguely insulting to him. And I’m no Bloomberg fan.
Coach Laura
His company is called BBG. There is a BBGID for company identification that is used in the trade.
There is a “Bloomberg Keyboard” that is used for trading and markets. It’s abbreviated as the BBG Keyboard.
There are Bloomberg Ticker symbols like there are Reuters ticker symbols and NASDAQ symbols.
There are obviously other people using the acronym BBG like Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and that Kayla person but it’s been Bloomberg BBG for a long time.
I imagine everyone on wall street knows what BBG means.
Last Brand quality
Has anyone here tried Last Brand? Their silk tee and cashmere tee look interesting, especially for the price. Same with their leather totes. I haven’t talked to anyone who’s actually bought something from them though.
anon
I purchased one of their cashmere sweaters. I was not impressed. The fit was way off.
Anonymous
I have! Their cashmere sweater is ok, it’s not fantastic and won’t last for years, but it’s pretty good quality for the price. Their t-shirts are fantastic though. Same quality as Splendid and 1/4 of the price.
Anon
The tee is exactly what I’ve been looking for. Do you wash in the washer? Dry flat? Fading?
Anonymous
I throw (nearly) everything in the washer and dryer. It’s been doing fine.
Last Brand?
I’m also interested! they have a new $49 silk tee that looks great…anyone try?
Anon
Has anyone ever successfully negotiated down the standard realtor percentage when going to sell their house? What were the circumstances that allowed you to do so, or made you feel like it was something you could ask for? What verbiage did you use to keep from sounding rude/like you still value their services? Thanks!
Anonymous
I have heard annecdata on this (also, realtors demanding more than 6% b/c they are in demand and have a good rolodex of buyers).
Where I live, it is such a seller’s market that a listing agent does virtually no work, so I’d expect a seller’s agent to take a cut vs a buyer’s agent who may have to work every weekend with picky people to make one sale. OTOH, if I weren’t paying my agent market, I’d worry about their loyalty or that they weren’t good enough to only get full-price work or not go to bat for me to just sell quickly and get their $ and move on.
[Honestly, I guess I am just suspect of a % fee as a business model and how their interests don’t fully align with either the buyer or the seller. I think that very good agents are underpaid vs the work they do and value they add (esp. in pricing a property, which I think is truly an art), but they are rarer than the ones that the model probably overpays.]
mascot
We had a single broker for the transaction (with appropriate waivers of conflict) and they reduced the commission by 1% percent- from 6% down to 5%. It might be worth asking if they will put that in their agreement in the event it happens.
OP
This is a good point. I will try to get this in the agreement at the very least.
Anonymous
In the state where I was a real estate agent, the agent could not lower their percentage without approval from their broker. The times I rememver a broker agreeing to it is where the client was using the agent to both buy and sell. Some brokers won’t budge on it at all.
Housecounsel
I have a hard time thinking of a way to do this without sounding like you don’t value their services.
Anon
Same here. Because you’re saying that you don’t think their services are worth the standard rate. I would be hesitant to do this out of the concern that the realtor won’t work as hard to sell my house as the other listings they have that are paying the standard percentage because of economics. I’m not in a fantastic sellers’ market, though, so YMMV.
Anon
I think the higher value the property the more leeway you have to ask for a lower rate. If you’re talking about a $350k property, yes the standard rate should apply. But I’ll be darned if you can’t negotiate down a $3M property’s rate (or agree to a set rate), especially when they aren’t doing that much work.
Anonymous
I feel like this ought to be true. I knew of some celebrity DC people who only dealt with pricey properties and yet they charged >6% because of the prestige factor.
Anon
I haven’t personally done this when selling, but when we bought our house I overheard the seller reminding their realtor of the lower negotiated commission. The seller made it sound like because we landed on a lower price than what they really wanted the realtor offered to make up for some of it out of her commission. This is of course mostly speculation from what I overheard, but I don’t think you can convince them without a compelling reason.
It all depends on how the house is selling or not selling and whether you have enough leverage to ask.
Anonymous
Yes, at least in NC. We negotiated down from 6% to 5% for our selling agent in a strong sellers market. She did push back initially, but competition is fierce from the “discount” seller options and she ultimately wanted the listing.
Ellen
We are going to buy new, direct from the sponsor, and we do NOT pay any brokerage fees, as we are paying way to much as it is, Dad says, so why should we add any additional percentages, b/c we find the place and we decide to buy on our own, and we will pay cash.
Anonymous
The only time I’ve heard of this is when the realtor is doing a personal favor for their child or other close family member. Even my friends who are realtors don’t cut their friends a break. So unless the realtor is your mom, I think the only reason to ask for a lower rate is if there’s some extenuating circumstance such that the realtor has to do a lot less work than normal. Will the realtor represent both buyer and seller? Do you already have a buyer lined up but don’t feel comfortable finalizing the deal yourself? Are you willing to list your house so far below market that it’s sure to sell the day it’s listed (and even then… I don’t think I’d ask)?
Angela
One talking point might be that Redfin charges only 1% realtor fees. Say that you understand the immense value they bring to the process over a system like Redfin but that you have to strongly consider the cost of going with they versus an obvious lower-cost alternative and ask if they can meet in the middle at 2%-2.5%.
OP
Yes, good point. Thanks. (These fees relative to the 3% that they usually in the end get, correct? (i.e. the 6% standard divided by buyer and seller agent? Not relative to the full 6%?)
Angela
Right, Redfin is 1% in lieu of the 3%. We used them to buy, which worked out great because we were able to find properties we were interested on our own online, schedule the tours through them, and got basically all the “buying” benefits one gets from a traditional realtor.
Anon
Depending on the market the fee is 1 – 1.5%. And you’ll have to pay the buyer’s fees as well if you are the Seller. So you’ll end up paying 4-4.5% instead of 6% with Redfin.
Anonymous
ALTHOUGH that means that the other side has a more-incented representative. That scares me a little. I’d go Redfin if the other person is on Redfin AND I was confident on pricing and also the inspection.
Anon
I did once years ago. We had only been in the house a short time and had to relocate – our margin was going to be small, and we used the same agent to sell it whom we had used to buy it, so she earned money off us twice.
Anonymous
Where I am, this is not done. They all refuse, at least the one in my age/social range who all of my friends/neighbors, etc. use. I actually do not think their services are worth 6% in this day and age of the internet, at least where I live, but it is what it is . . . for now. Eventually Red-fin will do to real estate agents what Uber did to Taxis.
Anon
Agreed – and I can not wait.
anon a mouse
Hot market (NoVa), high dollar agent with major brokerage. She did 4% if she repped both sides, 5% if an offer came in 30 days or less and the full 6% if it took longer, because her marketing costs would increase. There was a very detailed plan about those costs if we hit the 30 day mark but thankfully we got an offer quickly.
Anonymous
That sounds fair (although my inner skeptic now things they are incented to price low (although a bidders war might ensue in NoVa these days)).
Anon
They are incented to price low already. From their perspective, an extra 3% of the price difference is rarely going to be worth the extra effort required to fully maximize pricing. There’s research showing that realtors price their own properties higher and keep them on the market longer, compared to client properties, presumably because their incentives are different in that situation.
CB
We were selling and buying in DC, and asked three realtors if they would discount their commission if we used them for both. All of them quickly offered to go from 6% to 5%. Two also offered to discount further if the buyer didn’t have an agent.
Anon
We did a few years ago in CO. We got an offer within a week that the realtors (there were 2 working as a team) were pushing us to take. We said: we need to get X to break even on the house. We can either get to X by looking longer or by you reducing your percentage. They reduced from 6 to 5%. But we literally took nothing home on this sale and didn’t get back the cost of extensive renovations, so that may have altered the circumstances.
Texas CLEs
In Texas and I need a half hour ethics credit for CLEs this month. Already did the state bar benefits one – any recommendations from Texan ‘rettes? A bit outside this board’s usual, I know, but I feel like others might have ideas!
Sunflower
attorneycredits dot com.
Anon
By state bar benefits one do you mean texasbarcle do com?
If so, just google “free ethics CLE Texas”. A lot of nonprofits post free CLEs to their websites in video form. I’ve taken a few and they are good. Make sure to double check how long the credit is good for – they expire after a period of time.
Try also www dot legalethicstexas dot com
harris county law library free cle
High-interesting savings and travel rewards credit cards
Looking for your recommendations for
1) High-interest savings accounts
2) Credit cards with travel and dining rewards
Regarding 2), we are flying StarAlliance (United etc) for miles already, so maybe anything that would work well with that? Going out for dinner 1-2 times a week.
Anon
If you’re that loyal to an airline, you probably want their card. For non-airline specific cards the go to recommendation here is the Chase Sapphire Reserve, and I’ve been very happy with it.
Anon.
We’re not loyal to United, but to StarAlliance (Lufthansa, Swiss etc.)
BabyAssociate
1) HSBC Direct
2) Chase Sapphire Reserve. I am also a Star Alliance loyalist, but the travel rewards on this card are better than the United card I had, so I cancelled it.
Anon
For me personally, it’s:
1/ Vanguard money market
2/ Costco visa (4% gas, 3% travel and dining, no annual fees besides Costco membership fee)
Once upon a time I used a high interest savings account but I moved all of the money there to a money market where I already have a brokerage account and the yield has been something like 1.8-2%. Not FDIC insured but if Vanguard goes down then I’m not sure what’s left to save.
AnonForThis
Rant/Questions
I watched the RBG movie (on the basis of s–) a few weeks ago and have been wondering of how we effed up so badly as a society that even 50 years later, not much has changed. Things may even have gotten worse socially (despite more progressive laws) because i cannot imagine a woman starting grad school with an infant at home and moving to a new city to be the trailing spouse ever recover from those decisions enough to truly get off the mommy track.
I was/am the trailing spouse and while i do have a career in our new city, the interviewing was brutal- mentioning that i .moved to this city for personal/family reasons seemed to invite further questioning, saying that we moved for my husband’s work led to observations about how i should have lower salary expectations!!! (people, trust me- Germany is far from a working mum’s utopia) And my experience, because it ended with a career-track job, is actually a positive anomaly. A lot of my expat mum friends had thriving careers- HR, Design, Marketing, Biz Dev and are forced to stay-at-home or work for a third of their earlier salaries (oh yes, dads who were trailing spouses have it worse. They don’t even get invited to hang out) The role of the primary vs. secondary parent and career seem to be forced and more rigid and the subsequent career and life moves cement that disparity further.
I dont know if it is possible to step off the fastrack and every make it back because of how rapidly businesses appear to change and the idea of taking turns prioritizing careers doesnt seem work either- because why would you step off the gas right when everything you’ve worked for is about to pay off.
Older readers here, have any of you figured out this two career, parenting thing where you took turns really going all in. How did it make economic sense for someone with a thriving career to draw better boundaries?
Anon
Is trailing spouse really a thing outside academia and other niche industries? Most of my friends are dual career couples in some combination of law, healthcare, finance, tech, etc but have been able to mutually choose a location where they can both have great careers and neither of them has had to make any career sacrifices. Academia is very unique (along with the military?) that in order to purse your chosen career you have to pick up and move to one specific location, and often that location is a college town in the middle of nowhere and has *very* limited career options for your spouse.
But yeah, being a trailing spouse s*cks and is really hard on your career, and disproportionately impacts women, at least in academia.
Anon
I’m a trailing spouse. It works with very long commutes: our offices are about 90 miles apart.
With a new baby, I will be job hunting for opportunities closer to his college; the commute is not sustainable at this point.
Anon
Yeah, long commutes and little kids don’t mix well. I actually changed careers when my husband got his TT job because I knew I wanted a family soon and the nearest city with good career opportunities for me was 70 miles away. I work as staff at his university now. It was definitely a big career step back in terms of pay and prestige, but I enjoy my job and my co-workers are nice and the work-life balance and benefits (sooo much vacation time) are fantastic. With on-campus daycare, our whole lives (excluding grandparents) are contained within a 5 mile radius, and it’s just really easy.
I hope you find something great for you closer to his school!
Anon
Thank you!
We are lucky that our chosen daycare is 4 minutes from our house and has extended hours, but… ugh.
Anon.
I’m wondering whether you live in the same city as me. Midwest?
Anon
Yes, Midwest.
Anon
From below re Germany: “I think the 1 year paid parental leave and up to 3 years unpaid leave in Germany hurt women’s careers way more than men’s.”
Uh is someone forcing you to take it?? I mean if you drop out of sight for 3 years, do you really think you get to hop right back into your career as you left it because OMG . . . BABIES?? Get over yourself.
Anon
To be fair, assuming I reading what you are saying right, my understanding is that finding infant care in Germany (both nannies & day care) is much more difficult than it is in the US b/c of the policies . Assuming that is true (maybe someone with direct experience can weigh in) you ARE kind of forced to take it.
Anon.
The thing is, there are very few childcare options for under 1 year olds. Daycare usually starts at 1. I know many families who couldn’t get into childcare until 18 months or so. And due to cheap labor not being readily available, nannies or in-home daycares aren’t as widespread.
Also, most employers do not have accomodations for nursing moms, for example. I work for a large global corp with one of the headquarters in Germany, and I have not seen lactation rooms or similar.
So, no, no one forces you to stay home that long, but societal and professional norms determine your options.
Anonymous
No one is forcing you to take the leave but it is incredibly hard to get hired if you don’t. And there is a lot of judgment for seeking full time work instead of part time work. There is A LOT of judgment of moms who do not take their max leave. You also have to put your age, martial status and whether or you have kids on your resume. It gets binned if you don’t include that. Something like 80% of female paediatricians in the Netherlands work part time. There is very little childcare for babies. Daycares rarely take babies under 1 year. US working moms don’t understand how much of the US is set up to allow moms to go back to work when baby is under a year. It’s crazy expensive but those services exist outside of big cities in the US.
Anon
Wait, what? In Germany you have to put your age, marital status, and whether you have kids on your resume???? I am the only one who had no clue that this type of thing happened? What’s the reason for it?
anon
it’s convention. They also want a photo. There is no good justification that I’ve heard. When I went to school, I still learned that you also list the names and occupation of your parents, but I think this has gone away.
I talked about it with a recruiter from Germany last year and have not heard a convincing reason why this is still adhered to. But he admitted that because everyone does it, when they get applications without this, it stands out and gives him pause.
You won’t be surprised to learn that although it is forbidden to ask about family planning in job interviews, a lot of women encounter this question in their interviews anyway.
Anon.
It’s true. Every photo studio will be familiar with taking professional pictures for CVs.
Ellen
I am in NY, and I was asked in every job from college to my current one whether I was married, and once I said no, they asked if I had a boyfriend, and when I did, they asked if we were thinking of getting married and having a baby any time soon. I did not think twice about this, and was always truthful. Now I learn it is not ethical to ask? I ask the new associates just to get a handle on whether they will be able to work weekends like I do or not, if they are busy with boyfreinds or husbands.
Anon
I‘m in law, and being American, my personal line of thinking is a lot like yours, and no, I‘ve never heard of a woman lawyer taking the three years. A lot do take the year, and it‘s tricky to navigate when they get back.
Anon.
Forgot to add, even if you went back to work after a few months:
In a lot of rural/more traditional places, daycares are often not providing all-day care. Some of my extended family lives in a small town of 6,000 people and their daycare is open 8:30-11:30am.
Elementary school kids are coming home from school around 12pm, and aftercare is not available.
Anon
This is completely fascinating to read, thank you for sharing. But is there really no such thing as telecommuting in your industry? I am the trailing spouse. We’ve moved through three different US states and any career development arrest I am experiencing is caused by only two things: 1. lack of face time due to telecommuting, and 2. having a child. I can probably solve #1 by flying to meet with big wigs more but I’ve been exhausted for the last four years due to #2. That said, I got a promotion shortly after baby was born and am still on track with my general goals. My first job was not originally designed for telecommute. But because I was an important cog in a decentralized team, physical location became less important than keeping me to my first employer when husband had to move to another state. I have since negotiated telecommuting with other employers, as long as I commit to client travel. I realize this is unusual but many people I work with are only assigned to an office and don’t actually ever go there to the point that I have people assigned to a Central time office that live in Eastern time zone.
anon
German here, it’s absolutely true that infant care is hard to come by. Even for older kids, it really depends on where you are. Friends of mine are not sure whether they can find a spot for their 15month old, once the parental leave is up.
To the Anon@12:15, telecommuting is still not accepted in most German companies. I hope that will change in the next years.
Subtle workplace discrimination of mothers is maybe not worse than in the US, but certainly not better either.
Anon.
Hallo, German here, too! :)
Anonymous
Well then you don’t agree to be a trailing expat spouse.
anon
omg wow such insight
JuniorMinion
I’m in an industry with a lot of expat opportunities (for which people usually get extra $$, hazard pay etc). I would say that the things I’ve heard people caution about is that expat lifestyles usually involve being willing to move from place to place and thus the community of people that choose those opportunities generally want more traditional lifestyles (dad works, mom stays at home) as the trailing spouse usually cannot work at all (depends on the country but a lot of them don’t allow the spouse to go get a local job or it can be dangerous to leave the American compound, etc etc). I have found that people who want dual career households with relatively equivalent career growth opportunities self select out of the companies / paths that have a lot of expats
Leota Mindy dress
Has anyone tried the Leota Mindy dress? Their faux wraps are lovely (but didn’t work for my shape). I am hopeful re the Mindy. I’m 5-4, so concerned re length and also whether the skirt shape will be forgiving of lumpiness below the waist.
Why are coworkers like this
The past few months has been overwhelming, health-wise. I caught a major infection from a health facility and went on an antibiotic that caused chaos in my body. Then I learned I had a mass that needed to be removed, which led to surgery and a unilateral saplingo oopherectomy. I took some time off here and there but mostly worked through this terrible 7 months, but of course took three weeks off/medical leave for surgery. I returned to work two weeks ago. Since my return, four female colleagues have approached me in the hallway to say how great I look, I lost so my weight, wow, how did I do it. They learned I was out on medical leave.
I don’t think I lost that much weight – maybe 10 pounds, due to stress and changing diet (no added sugar, no dairy, no gluten).
Ugh. I just cannot believe people sometimes.
Thank you for letting me rant.
Anon
Whenever you praise someone for losing weight, consider that they might have an eating disorder, be going through a medical problem or recovery, grieving a loss, or suffering some other kind of trauma. Stop commenting on others’ weight, people! I hope you feel back to 100% soon.
Anon
Omg people are awful :( I lost a lot of weight last year due to thyroid disease and got so many compliments. I may have looked skinny, but I was the least healthy I’ve ever been in my whole life. I’m 20 pounds heavier and *much* healthier now. People need to keep their damn mouths shut!
pugsnbourbon
Rant heard and co-signed. The day I was officially diagnosed with anorexia, one of my sister’s friends messaged me to say “omg you’re like sooooo skinny, what’s your secret.” I think I responded “I am literally afraid to eat.” She was 18; the women at your workplace should know better.
I’m sorry people are being d!cks. I hope your recovery continues smoothly and you keep feeling better.
Anon
Makes me so irritated. I got more compliments about my body when I was on chemo-strength antibiotics for a serious infection- by people who knew how sick I was!- then any other time in my life. I was literally vomiting ten times a day due to the meds and was surviving on pho, tortellini and graham crackers. It felt so awful because I was scared to death and so sick but people just had to say how great I looked! I even got the comment from a f-ing palliative care nurse at an appointment to discuss why I couldn’t eat. “I’d love to lose that much weight so fast!” Trade you lives, you insensitive cow.
Anon.
“people, trust me- Germany is far from a working mum’s utopia”
I am German, and I whole-heartedly agree.
The number of German women who are leaning out in a double career household is mind-boggling. I’m in the US, and while I would have loved to have a longer maternity leave (or, in fact, any sort of leave – thank you, grad school), I think the 1 year paid parental leave and up to 3 years unpaid leave in Germany hurt women’s careers way more than men’s.
As to your questions on taking turns: I believe it is a discussion between the spouses. My husband is in academia and will probably never truly lean out. I’m ok with that, and we figure out the split between primary/secondary parent depending on salaries and career levels.
Anon.
That should have been in reponse to AnonForThis at 10:56AM above.
Anon
Do men not take the leave? My husband (also an academic) took a 10 month paternity leave. I had only the (white collar) US standard of 12 weeks. I’m a huge advocate of long parental leave for everyone, because I feel like it was really great for him to have to step up and be the lead parent for a long time while I worked. We have a much more egalitarian marriage than most dual career couples I know, and I give the long paternity leave a lot of credit, and in an idea world we both would have had almost a year as primary caregiver. Is it the case in Germany than most women take a long leave and men don’t take very much?
Anon
New parents are entitled to 14 months‘ leave as a couple, but one parent can only take 12 months. Most guys I know take the two months, but usually split them into two one-month leaves. Taking equal amounts of leave is uncommon, but I think it worked out well for my friends who did so.
Anon.
Most men nowadays take a share of the 12 months paternity leave _ I believe there is an incentive that you get 14 months worth of paid leave if each partner takes at least 2 months out of the 12 months. Often, the mother will take the leave during the first few months, and father takes the leave closer to the end.
But I know very few couples that have equally split the leave in two halves, or where the husband has taken the majority. Most of the time, the man takes whatever the minimum length is to secure the incentive.
anon
Yes, the law allows for a very uneven split (2+12 months), and many couples do it that way. Fathers that split the time evenly with mothers, are often seen as not committed to their career (sound familiar?). There is also a financial incentive to split it unevenly, since during the leave, the government contributes 70% of the salary of the partner on leave. So the hit to the household income is bigger when the higher-earning partner goes on leave. I could rant about it all day.
Germany ranks not very high on workplace equality when compared to European neighbors, and there are many reasons why.
Anonymous
A lawyer friend in Germany was told off the record that he could request leave and it would be granted but that he would be gone before the year was out when he got back. More conservative industries don’t support the career advancement (or even continued employment) of men who take leave.
Ribena
It’s not even just the leave, school hours for young children are so minimal! Do people still use the term ‘Rabenmutter’?
Anon
Not German, but studied abroad there and have visited several times and I’ve heard the term.
Anon
I just looked up Rabenmutter. That ruined my day….
Anon
Same!
Anon
Holy crap.
Anon.
Yes, they do. Also, “Schluesselkind”, literally “key chain kid”, and meaning a kid coming home from school to the empty house with the key on a chain around their neck.
Anon
Well, the same term (latch key kid) exists in English.
Anon.
Ah, right. Forgot about that one.
Anonforthis
I think it’s less common these days in the U.K. though – very rare to see kids under the age of 10 or 11 making their own way to or from school here. It was very common to see kids as young as 5 or 6 walking with siblings but without adults when I lived in (admittedly an affluent and conservative part of) Germany 5 years ago though.
Anon
I live in Munich, and here in the city there‘s not too much of the name-calling. My toxic/narcissistic German MIL in the countryside? That’s another story entirely, but IDGAF what she thinks.
I don’t have kids yet, but I think the pros/cons for Germany and the US even out overall (ex. SO difficult to organize childcare compared to the US, but the available childcare costs next to nothing in comparison to the US or even Switzerland), but I can understand a strong preference for one or the other for a specific family.
Anonymous
This. My DH is from 2 hours east of Munich and it is super rare there for moms to work full time. My teacher BIL kept his job while his doctor wife dropped to one day a week of work which is considered acceptable basically only because she’s working in pallative care and leaving her kids for the day to help old people. My MIL is aghast that I went back to work in 40 hr a week law job after my 1 year Cdn mat leave was done.
Anon.
Well, you don’t have kids yet, so you haven’t heard the comments. If your German MIL comments on these things now, it will be horrible once a grandchild is in the picture.
FWIW, I only see my German family about once a year, and my maternal female relatives have all worked full-time since the 1950’s. But when I went back to school when my kid was 8 weeks old, you wouldn’t have believed what sort of BS comments I got.
And it’s not only the older generation that’s commenting, it is women my age who have leaned out (forced by the societal norms or not) that feel strongly about commenting about my life choices.
And at the same time are shocked and envious about my $130K gross salary (not even high for my sector) and think I’m rich and egoistic. Guess what, I get that because I don’t have 25 days of vacation, unlimited sick leave and 15 or so public holidays. And if they had to pay $5K a year in healthcare and $12K in daycare costs, we could finally start comparing. *rant-over*
Anon
Why on earth would you tell judgy relatives (or any relatives) your salary? That’s the number 1 thing NOT to tell others who judge esp when it’s possible that judgment comes from jealousy that they cannot/will not make that much ever due to life choices.
Anon
You would think, right?? She constantly criticizes me for working so much and compares me constantly to my SIL, who‘s a SAHM. But even my husband is pretty close to cutting off contact with her, so I mostly ignore it and focus on friends and work.
I do feel lucky to have friends and coworkers who aren‘t critical of each other’s choices, but it sounds stressful to be around people like you describe.
Anonymous
People will outright ask you. In Germany/Austria/Switzerland it’s considered weird and rude not to be open about that.
Anon
German culture is very different than American culture. People are much more blunt and honest and it’s really weird to be private about that stuff.
Anon
This thread definitely turned into the “I have it worse than you” Olympics. It’s not a competition, you know.
Anonymous
@ Anon 1:24
I think instead of the “I have it worse than you” Olympics, it’s better to think about it as people sharing their experiences under different systems to realize that the grass isn’t always greener and that there isn’t one answer to increasing women’s workforce participation. Long leave times which are often seen as the answer in the US, actually don’t lead to more female workplace participation. Canada recently moved from one year to 18 months option so it will be interesting to see what happens there. Most women in high paying jobs seem to be taking the year not 18 months.
anon
the ironic thing is that ravens are known to be very caring parents…
Concealer?
Does anyone have an under eye concealer that they love? I was obsessed with Benefit Erase Paste but they stopped making it and the replacement is just not as good.
Anonymous
DH and I were recently told that our preschooler (3) is “extremely gifted” and “off the charts in terms of intelligence and emotional IQ” for her age. Am I crazy to do absolutely nothing with this information?
The preschool teachers asked us to come in for a little informal conference where they basically told us our kid is super bright. I asked if there was any sort of step we needed to take (get her to stop being a know-it-all came to mind), and they said no, they just wanted to let us know. This isn’t particularly news to us, since we have 3 kids and this one is obviously pretty precocious (to a fault).
WTF am I supposed to do with this? Tell her she’s too gifted to be complaining about the color of her mac and cheese? Enroll her in chess camp? Make her do our taxes?
I guess this is more of a mini-rant, but if any of you have kids that fall into this category, please let me know if I am being to flippant in my reaction to basically ignore this information. We live in a town with excellent public schools. I’m sure WHEN SHE GETS THERE IN TWO YEARS they will let us know if she needs/qualifies for any additional programming, right?
Anon
While prodigies are often apparent at young ages, a lot of kids who are “off the charts” at age 3 are bright but not particularly amazing at age 20.
Read to her, teach her what she can learn (numbers, reading, math, etc.), and if she is truly an exceptional mind, look into tutors or special camps when she’s in elementary school.
Coach Laura
The “off the charts” at age 3 kids can and do go on to be high achievers. Those who are brilliant and have to suffer through non-gifted classes and/or are bored with school often don’t achieve their potential. There are also other factors such as family support, ADHD and other things that influence success.
The OP shouldn’t ignore this IF and WHEN the child’s kindergarten teacher weighs in. That is when testing occurred in my school district. Or first grade.
Source: My gifted kid and his elementary school gifted education peers.
Ellen
Dad says not to take it to seriously, b/c they may be trying to sell you on some new fangeled educaitonal tool that they get commissions for selling. He said that my nursery school teacher told mom I was gifted, and Dad said that I would not be the next Madame Curie, and he was right. I do have a tenacious learning skill, but at the end of the day, I was NOT a MENSA, nor did I qualify for Phi Betta Kappa. Dad is glad he did not waste extra money on me when I was 3, and I agree!
Anon
If she’s truly extremely gifted (not just run of the mill upper middle class “gifted”), then yes, you probably do need to start thinking about what that’s going to look like. Will she get individualized attention in school? Will she start kindergarten at the same time as everyone else and be reading novels while they’re learning the ABCs? She’ll still be your daughter and want to play games and be a kid, all of which she should absolutely do, but doing “absolutely nothing” with this information sounds like the fast track to a bored, frustrated, and lashing out kid.
Anon
But she’s not bored now, so there is nothing to do now with this information.
Anon
I don’t understand why one should be *angry* about getting the information, though.
Anon
Where does she say she’s “angry”? You’re putting words in her mouth. She said it’s not news to her, but she doesn’t think there’s anything to do with the information for at least two years until her child starts school and could qualify for gifted classes. And I heartily concur. If her kid is happy and enjoying play-based preschool, the best thing for her kid is to continue treating her as a normal 3 year old. Slapping a gifted label on her at this age does no good and probably would do some harm.
Anonymous
+1. My exceptionally gifted kid went to K a year early and was reading novels while her classmates were learning to sit still, hold a pencil, and recognize their letters. She would come home complaining that the teacher would make her help all the kids around her find the right page in the workbook because they couldn’t read two-digit numbers. She is still bored out of her mind in middle school despite additional advancement in math. She would be much happier in a gifted magnet, but sadly that’s not available in our district. We are crossing our fingers that the IB program will better meet her needs in high school.
Anon
Late to this, but can you look into options like EPGY or additional (or substituting) classes from Khan Academy for your child? I was your kid in middle school and accelerated math and physics + additional literature and philosophy classes (at my own pace, 2 h/w after school, not the school’s pace) was the only thing that saved me from going crazy from boredom and isolation.
Anon
Nope, not crazy to ignore it. I’m sure your child is very bright, but there is good evidence that gifted testing at this age is more about heavily influenced by the home environment. I would address it if/when she’s bored academically or the teachers tell you it’s causing social or behavioral problems.
Fwiw, I have a very high IQ and I think my parents and everyone else telling me I was brilliant from a very early age really messed me up. Because when I went to a very prestigious college and for the first time wasn’t “the smart one” it absolutely destroyed my self-esteem. I didn’t think I should have to work hard in school (because I’d always gotten A+s in advanced classes with no effort) and I kind of fell apart when I realized that I would have to work to get As. I have no idea if my daughter is smarter than average or not (she seems pretty average to me at age 2, but I know giftedness isn’t always obvious this young) but we really emphasize praising her for hard work over intelligence.
Anon
The biggest “issue” for this type of child is boredom and (self-)destructive behavior that results from it. Very intelligent kids often find unorthodox ways to find one-on-one interaction with adults because they’re hungry to learn more. This may include things like breaking school items to end up in detention or the principal’s office. With obvious pitfalls. Being understimulated intellectually can feel like lack of sustenance to these individuals. All this to say: if she feels engaged and is participating in preschool and is extracting the things she needs out of her current surroundings – leave it mostly alone. I would still keep her out of group activities for extracurriculars and pay the extra for private lessons. She will get much more out of it. But if you start to notice behavioral problems it’s time to look at a more suitable environment.
Anon
Yes, this. Also, it can be good for gifted kids to have a more play-based environment for as long as possible. Because the more overtly academic stuff gets boring really quickly, but they are still kids who need and want to play, and can invent their own intellectual challenges if allowed to spend time in freeform play.
Anon
I was a bright kid and now I’m a very normal (smart, but normal) adult. Don’t worry about it while she’s still so young. That’s a ton of pressure to put on a small child.
Anon
Some kids have developmental acceleration such that they need more challenging academics when they’re kids but grow up to be normal–much like some kids have developmental delays but catch up eventually. Kids still need to be met where they’re at.
Anon
I was in gifted/magnet-type programs all through school, but I don’t particularly feel like a genius now as a grown up. If anything I wish I would have had more support and guidance in social skills and sports stuff, where I struggled a lot more.
Anon
There’s a huge difference between being bright/part of a gifted program and being profoundly gifted.
Anon
But age 3 is too young to know which. Her kid is smart, but at this age it’s basically impossible to determine if she’s top 10%, top 1% or top 0.1% in terms of IQ.
Anon
Yes, I was only affluent suburb gifted, but I went to school with kids who would meet anyone‘s definition of profoundly gifted, and they struggled with this type of thing even more than me.
Anonymous
You can’t count on public schools to be proactive about identifying a gifted child, or to provide appropriate services. If she is gifted, especially if she’s highly gifted or exceptionally gifted, you may need to be prepared to advocate for grade advancement, advancement in specific subjects, or on-line instruction in certain subjects. If she continues to show signs of giftedness as she approaches kindergarten age, you will want to be proactive about investigating available gifted services, testing procedures, etc.
Anonymous
I had a kid like that and now she is also ADHD (which meds have not helped with despite trying several) and ASD, both of which are a huge challenge. She can dominate a room because she is SO curious and wants to interact with the teacher, but there are 25ish kids in her class, so this often ends with frustration and anxiety re behavior (leading to stimming and fingernail biting). It is a bit of a relief that she is bring and actually learning, but her emotions are such a challenge b/c she is picked on relentlessly by her peers now that they sense how different she is.
MAYBE find a good psychologist who does testing for K students (many private schools require it) and see if your kid isn’t dually exceptional just to rule that in or out early. I wish I had known this all when my kid was much smaller (is 10 now).
Abby
My brother skipped 2nd grade. The school approached my parents when he was in Kindergarten but they turned it down because he was already young for his year and they didn’t think it would matter. School approached them again in 1st grade and eventually convinced them. I think you can tuck this knowledge away, and since your public schools are good, you can trust them to let you know if you need to do anything. I was also placed in gifted programs in elementary school starting in second grade, where I met one on one with a teacher for an hour twice a week and she worked with me on logic, puzzles, etc to keep me engaged.
I don’t have kids, but based off my experiences with my siblings, I’d continue as normal and try not to make a big deal out of it if she is placed in programming so your other 2 children don’t fixate on it. My oldest brother is smart, but not skip-a-grade smart, and I think his younger brother getting the extra attention frustrated him.
Anon
YTA, I would say. This should be good news? Think of this as a special need. Would you be so flippant if they said your daughter needed extra help? She does. She needs more stimulation, opportunities to challenge herself. I concur with anon 12:38 that she may also need social skills support – if so, that probably will become more apparent toward the end of elem school – EQ and general intelligence are different animals.
anon
Can we not turn this place into reddit? And especially not that dumpster fire of a sub. You’re calling OP an @ssole why exactly?
Anonymous
If either of you know a second language, I would start exposing her to that. Gives her brain something else to chew on. Nothing major, just pick up a few kids books in French, Spanish, Mandarin, whatever that you know and read to her if she’s interested. My kids aren’t gifted but we speak two languages English and DH’s mother tongue) at home and they are learning a third language at school (French immersion) and they love learning ways to count or say hello in other languages. Keep it fun not serious.
Anonymous
I would foster her natural curiosity and keep things fun for her. Let her explore learning to read and write and do math. As she gets older you will see whether she is “bright” or “gifted.” And honestly, a “bright” child has an easier time in school than a truly “gifted” child. I have one of each and then one who is struggling to learn to read….
Anonymous
OP here- thank you for all the feedback. Kiddo is turning 4 this summer and the youngest in her class already. She’s starting to read but half of this is because I have a kindergartener who just learned to read and came home to teach her sister.
She seems to do well in group activities like ballet and gymnastics. We have her in private swim because she didn’t do well in a group. She’s starting team sports next year (she’s been begging!).
We have seen signs of ADD/ADHD at home and talked extensively with her ped and teachers about it- but turns out those symptoms don’t exist in the classroom which is a huge part of the diagnosis.
RR
I think you are handling it well. It’s fine to ignore it for now if it doesn’t seem to be causing her any issues. As some of the commenters have said, extreme giftedness can feel almost like a challenge to be dealt with, resulting in acting out, underachieving, boredom, hating school, social issues, etc. One of my children is in middle school and has an extremely high IQ–basically at the top of what they can reliably identify in testing. He also has ADHD, but the giftedness becomes itself almost a “thing” we have to address like the ADHD. It’s remarkable and wonderful that he has all this potential, but it’s like a beast we have to feed to keep it from devouring him. Once we hit our stride, he’s doing great, but wow we had some rough years.
So, my advice is to watch your kid and address issues if and when they arise. But no, you don’t have to go wild treating her differently just because someone said she’s gifted.
anony
It sounds like you are doing great with her.
Read, read, read with her and soon she will be reading on her own and keep the books coming. That will be the best thing for her cognitive development now.
Love that you are keeping her active in sports/swimming etc… Kids who are really gifted can sometimes have issues with other social skills, and sports are so good for teaching this and making friends, and for her overall physical/mental health. If she has any artistic/musical interests it might be nice to give her some exposure over the next couple of years.
I worked in a niche area where we really saw a lot of really gifted kids. Some of them jumped 1st grade and that seemed to be the least painful grade to skip. My mentor said that the most talented happy kids he saw where the triple threats – brilliant/athletic/artistic.
Vicky Austin
Wise hive, I have a Situation and need some fresh eyes on it. TL;DR: I hate my house but don’t see an easy way out.
I live in a very rural but fast-growing part of the country. My husband and I moved here for jobs after college. We really like it here and there’s a good chance of career advancement in our futures, so we do not plan to leave for another 3-5 years. HHI of around $100K, it’s just us and the dog for now. The housing market here is a crapshoot. There is very little here that is below $300K. About a year ago we moved into a manufactured home that was being sold by owner for $170K, and we quickly discovered why it was such a great deal…it’s awful. We’ve battled plumbing problems, mice, mold, faulty wiring and frighteningly sloppy gas line work. In addition to fixing these problems, we’ve built a detached garage and added a few other minor things. We’ve probably put about $20K into the house at this point. Part of why we bought it was that it sits on five acres (honestly the majority of the value is the land, the house is maybe worth $35K). Husband dreams of having a hobby farm someday, so the land seemed like an easy way to get to that sooner. I can take or leave the idea of goats and chickens, but he wants them, and he’s not the type to fight for his own dreams so I sort of feel like somebody needs to. So I’ve been reluctant to tell him I flat-out hate living there because I know he’d agree to give it up for me. Worth noting this house is half an hour’s drive from the town where we work, and this is rural northern country so the roads are often iffy this time of year. In addition, we would like to start TTC within the next 2-3 years. I can’t stomach the thought of bringing a baby into this house, given all the problems we’ve had with mice and mold, and I don’t love the idea of being 30 minutes’ drive in possibly dangerous conditions from the nearest healthcare with a baby.
Would you:
A. save for a new down payment on a more expensive home and move into town in a couple years? (would fix all the problems, but I’m not 100% sure about our ability to save $60K extra for a down payment in 2 or even 3 years, husband has to give up his hobby farm idea, feels like losing out on the improvements we’ve added to the place (sunk cost fallacy, I know))
B. sell the house off the land and buy a new manufactured home? (probably a smaller payment, still would have the commute, feels like a big commitment to a place we might leave a few years in, keeps the farm idea possible, allows us to continue to get our $ back on the garage, etc.)
C. stay in the current house until we leave the area (would mean postponing our TTC plans, which I am less than enthusiastic about)?
D. chill out, wait and see a bit longer (feels like we’ll have a better shot at making A or B work the sooner we choose a plan)?
Thanks y’all.
Anon
How do you square the hobby farm with the commute and a baby? I firmly believe in supporting your spouse’s dreams, but I’m not clear on how you can hav a hobby farm (which implies being not close to the city) with commutes into the city during long winters and having a baby or two.
If memory serves me correctly, you’re in your mid-20s. If I were in your position, I would move into town (renting or buying), TTC, cut the commutes to the jobs and daycare, and make a 15-year or 20-year plan to make the hobby farm happen.
Anon
I wouldn’t put the hobby farm idea on hold for that long. Why not see if you can get a better piece of property a little closer to town? Does that exist?
Vicky Austin
It might. There are also a lot of empty lots for sale around the city. I just don’t know if we have the cash to build from the ground up.
@12:11, I really like the idea of a 15-20 year plan for the farm – that feels more manageable. Thank you.
Anonymous
Can you sell the house and rent in town for a few years? So option E. Home ownership isn’t for everyone at all times. That is what I would do in your situation, and continue to aggressively save so you can buy a place once you relocate. If you end up not relocating you can buy another place when you make that decision.
I think you should put the hobby farm consideration aside until you move away from the area – if you know you will be moving in 3-5 years, it doesn’t make sense to me to obtain a bunch of animals that will need to be moved too.
Vicky Austin
That’s a really great point – we do plan to leave eventually and it feels irresponsible to gather up a bunch of animals who would either need to be moved with us or rehomed.
There’s no reason why we can’t rent in town, except that the apartment market is just as crappy as the house market and we moved to this house primarily to get away from apartment life. But none of that says we can’t do it again for a stint if we need to. Thank you.
anon
If you want a baby in the next few years, I think you should go with option A or B. You need a safe place to bring a baby home. Also, if you want to TTC, don’t delay those plans for a hobby farm (or any other hobby).
There’s no benefit to a “chill and wait and see” approach. It sounds like whatever you do, you’ll need savings. So, save aggressively for a few years, then decide. Having a plan and saving for it may relieve some of the stress from uncertainty as well.
Is it possible to build a home, rather than buy another manufactured home, on the property? Is it possible to sell off some of the acreage to speed up your plans? Could you lease any part of the land, or buy another manufactured home and rent it out, then move into it in a few years?
Anon
I disagree that TTC takes precedence over hobbies. It’s much harder to make any dreams come true after kids because the mental space just isn’t there (easier for men but this one requires both of your attention). Additionally, having a piece of land or a farm to take kids to can be a fantastic easy getaway that gets you some of that mental space back. Caveat that if you’re in your late thirties you don’t have much of a choice (but I seem to remember Vicky is in her late twenties).
anon
I didn’t mean to suggest that TTC should always take precedence over hobbies. But, if you feel strongly that you want a baby at a certain time, which OP seems to, I think that strong feeling should take precedence over a hobby or potential hobby. That doesn’t mean you can’t pursue any hobbies, but this isn’t just going to a yoga class or salsa dancing once a week. The idea of hobby farming is driving major decisions in their lives like where they live, what type of housing is available to them, and how long their commute is. For me, it wouldn’t be the deciding factor of when I had a baby.
I also agree that hobby farming and kids could be compatible. But in this case, it’s a challenge to obtain safe housing within their budget and give themselves the land for hobby farming. That’s why I asked if there are other options that would allow them to have both, like selling or renting part of the land to someone else.
Vicky Austin
I really appreciate your thoughts on this! We could theoretically build, yes. I don’t know if we have the cash to make it happen, but we can try. The house currently sits on basically the only place on the land where you could put a house, so I don’t know that this is really a flexible investment (which is what makes me want to leave it behind, lol).
Anon
A, unless you need to TTC right now due to age. Keep the land for retirement unless you can find a better deal now. Save for a new downpayment. It’s going to be much harder to buy land later because of the growth in your area and because kids have a way of eating all your spare money and the farm isn’t strictly necessary so it’ll be the first to go.
Abby
I’d probably go for B. You can move sooner, your husband doesn’t have to give up his dream (although I agree with anon above that hobby farm seems difficult to create & continue with a baby, if you guys haven’t already established it) Buying a new house that you might leave in a few years, is no different than where you’re at now except you might like it more (very likely, given your description) if the cost is the same.
The 30 minute commute doesn’t seem awful to me, but my area is much less rural. Sorry to hear all your house problems, I can relate with the plumbing issues. The rest would have me moving out ASAP.
Vicky Austin
Good point – sunk cost fallacy and all that. A new house would not be much different in a few years than the current one in terms of putting money into something we then would leave behind.
Anonymous
I’d sell immediately, rent in town, and consider buying with a smaller down payment and PMI. I’d also let go of the hobby farm idea unless you and your husband are both all in and willing to make it your entire life. A hobby farm isn’t really a hobby. It is an all-consuming lifestyle choice that will seriously limit your options in terms of career, travel, evening and weekend activities, even going out to dinner, unless you have oodles of money to pay someone else to run the farm for you.
Anonymous
I’d have moved out a year ago. Your home is a hazard to your health and isn’t clean. I’d move literally anywhere else. Tomorrow.
Anonymous
Start socking the money that you will eventually need to pay for daycare on a monthly basis into a downpayment fund. That will help you adjust to living on a post-kid budget and build a bit extra to put towards a downpayment.
Just as an idea, can you split the lot you currently have? That way you sell off 2-3 acres and the old house, and keep the land and build a new house on it. There are some nice pre-fab options available now even for larger homes if you don’t want to deal with building on site while living next to the build.
CPA Lady
As someone who has lived in rural areas for a solid 20 years of my life (not currently), and who has a small child…
I would do A. No contest.
Not to crush anyone’s dreams or anything (excuse me while I go get my dream crushing hat), but it is incredibly difficult to do any kind of time consuming, expensive hobbies once you have (a) kid(s) and not have it become a massive source of marital strife. This would be different if it was both of your dreams to have a hobby farm and you’re both really into it and love working on it together. But it doesn’t sound like it is. It’s really wonderful that you want to be supportive, but I would personally have a very hard time supporting a spouse in a hobby like this one– it’s basically mandatory. If you don’t feed and care for the animals on a daily or near daily basis, they will die. If you don’t tend the garden it will not produce. You have to work on it all the time. That is not easily compatible with two working parents with a decently long commute, unless you want to take on a really antiquated gender role situation where you’re 100% in charge of the kids while he’s out in the field.
Has your husband done ANYTHING related to having a hobby farm in the past? Does he have a clue how time consuming and expensive it is? Did he grow up on a farm? Or is he getting this idea from somewhere unrealistic like HGTV or a monetized blog that makes everything look glossy and easy?
Of course the accountant suggests looking at the money aspect, but would he be willing to sit down and do some kind of realistic budgeting thing to see how financially feasible this whole idea is in the first place? How much does a goat cost? How much does a fence for the goat cost? A barn? A goat vet? Goat food? Etc.
Vicky Austin
High five for accountant brains. I think he’s “considered the costs” in that he’s thought to himself, “Huh, yeah, that would probably cost something.” ARG. He did not grow up on a farm, or even with animals beyond a dog. He’s wanted this since long before I met him, but I don’t think he’s thought about how feasible it is, or how much freaking work it will involve.
Also, I lol’ed at “dream crushing hat.” Thanks for your insight.
Anon
What about planning and building a smaller, but well-built actual house and then selling/lighting on fire the old trailer? I lived in the trailerhood for 10 years, and while it wasn’t awful, the same issues you had in your current house will crop up within a few years in a newer one.
Anon
A, no question. I don’t know anything about hobby farms so I won’t wade into that whole thing, but don’t discount how much more convenient it is to be “in town” once you have a baby. My friends who live even a few miles out of the city (in rural areas, not suburbs) have found it so inconvenient once they have kids.
Vicky Austin
Thanks everybody. I think I just needed the nudge that my gut was right about A. Will keep y’all posted.
Frustrated Anon
I’m currently in a rut looking for a new job. I feel like people forget how hard this can be, especially since I’m looking in saturated job markets for legal/government/policy professionals. “Oh, just keep applying,” and “have you looked here?” I know it’s out of a place of caring but still. And then I fall into reading online articles about how to make your cover letter stand out when really, how much can I sprinkle on there when I probably have relatively the same background as 30 other applicants? Maybe me posting here is just to get a little hope that I’m not alone in this feeling right now, and that it’s okay to admit it can be incredibly disheartening. Sending internet hugs to anyone who needs one!
Anon
Job searching really sucks, I can commiserate with you there. So much of it comes down to luck. I hope you find something soon!
Ellen
+1. It was pure luck that I got my current job with the manageing partner years ago just b/c I bumped into him in an elevator. It had nothing to do with my legal skills, b/c I was only serving subpeenies at the time, and did NOT have to be an attorney at law to do so. Hugs to you. You never know who you can meet; even in an elevator! Good luck!
Anon
Hug.
Long ago, I stopped talking about my job search with people not in the industry. The overly cheerful advice just made me feel bad about myself, which didn’t do wonders for my confidence in interviewing.
anonymous
It stinks so much. And people do forget. I struggled mightily to find a job after law school (2011 grad), had no money, etc. I have a job by now and the memories have dulled even for me. But I empathize with you– especially frustration at the well meaning “well have you thought abouts..” It’s normal to feel set on edge by those! (Yes, parents I have thought about working in government instead of the private sector. Yes, maybe the Department of Justice. Sure.) I tried to avoid those conversations or I basically instructed people that I did not want suggestions on how to do the search, I just needed listening and suggestions on how to cope.
anon
Hey, I can totally relate and agree completely. Job searching sucks. Being rejected without anything to go on hurts and is great for making you doubt yourself. You are not alone!
anon
I’m totally in the same position. I’ve even had interviews and been completely ghosted by the employer (i.e. no response after I sent a follow up email a week after the interview). I’m at the end of my rope and would totally quit my job tomorrow if not for our mortgage/bills. Ugh.
Anonymous
Fun New England (driving distance from Boston) weekend trips? We haven’t had a real snowstorm. I’d love to go somewhere with my dog and enjoy winter.
Anon
Mt. Washington area?
Last Brand?
Does anyone have experience ordering anything from Last Brand? I got a targeted instagram ad for a $49 washable silk tee that looks too good to be true… link in next comment
Last Brand?
https://lastbrand.com/collections/women-clothing/products/premium-washable-silk-tee?variant=31246545125487
Last Brand?
i can’t believe someone asked this same question earlier today! i’ll refer to those comments. thanks!