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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This tee is a little late for Pride, but I’m loving the rainbow trim on an otherwise basic white shirt. This might be fun to add a little visual interest on a Zoom call or tucked into a midi-length pleated skirt in a casual office. (PSA: If you have a hard time keeping your white tops looking bright, take a look at this post for some tips!)
The shirt is $29.99, marked down from $34.50, and available in plus sizes 14–18, regular sizes XXS–XL, and petite sizes XXS–L. With code CYBER, it comes down to only $12 — with free shipping. Love All Ways Rainbow-Trim Tee
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Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Looking for recommendations for travel mugs that have screw tops (like a nalgene water bottle, so I can throw it in a bag without leaking).
I’m switching from a subway commute to a biking commute so need something I can throw in my bag and will feel safe it won’t leak.
OP
Forgot to add – STRONG preference for dishwasher safe.
CBS
I’ve had good luck with the hydroflask. I think you can get different lids for them. I operate a Darwinian survival of the fittest dishwasher policy though.
Anonymous
Ha! With you on the Darwinianism.
Anon
I have a hydroflask with a screw top lid and I just decant into a coffee cup when I get to work.
Anonymous
The stainless steel (silver colored, not any of the other colors) Contigo travel one. we have 10 of the 20 ounce ones for taking coffee to work each day and they work great. They will tell you to not put them in the dishwasher, but we do that anyway and it’s been 5 years and they are as good as new. I have never handwashed them. We had some colored ones, but the coating on the outside of those chipped.
Anonymous
I read the use of the word “mug” in your post to mean you were looking for something for coffee on your morning commute. I don’t use these contigo items for water – coffee only.
I have a “I only carry one thing” policy, so I put everything into my work tote (do not carry a separate purse or computer bag) and these are the only travel mugs I’ve found that don’t spill in my bag.
AnonATL
I found a cheap one at target recently called Bubba water bottle that I’ve really liked so far. I wasn’t ready to drop the money on a Hydroflask yet since I’m usually a Nalgene user. I was looking for something tall and skinny to fit in my cupholder, and no Nalgenes that I’ve found do.
Anon
My Zojirushi mugs don’t have a screw top but there is a sliding latch to keep the lid from popping open and I’ve never had one leak throughout many years of commuting (by bike, subway, bus, car, or walking, depending on the year). I also run them through the dishwasher without a problem.
Anon
Yes – love this one. Keeps coffee hot for hours
Carrie
+1
I love it, and frequently give it as a gift.
I also love the narrow design, that fits into every cup holder (eg. cars etc..)
E
+1
Anonymous
I would also recommend adding another water bottle holder to your bike and finding a bottle that will fit in there. You’ll still want it to be as leakproof as possible, but it lowers the risk on a lot of levels. I have either a Thermos or Contigo that I used for this exact purpose.
AnonMPH
These from Thermos brand are the very best. I’ve used them for a decade and they never spill, keep your coffee incredibly hot (too hot sometimes!). Bonus, right now you can still buy a Wonder Woman design one and feel like a bad*ss all day at work while you sip from it.
https://www.amazon.com/Thermos-Stainless-Commuter-Bottle-Midnight/dp/B00K7CZHJ0/ref=sr_1_8?dchild=1&keywords=coffee+thermos+captain+america&qid=1595602519&sr=8-8
Anon
I can not say enough good things about my 18 oz Yeti Rambler with Chug Cap. It keeps drinks ice cold all day in crazy heat. I bring it paddleboarding and there is ice at the end of an 8 hour trip. The chug cap is easy to drink out of but comes apart for adding ice and all of it can go in the dishwasher. It is totally leak proof. Lots of fun colors too. Gov’t employees, first responders and some other professions get 25% off too.
Anon4this
I want to give up (or reduce) drinking, but seem to have a really hard time doing it. I drink two nights a week, 2 drinks. I just feel sluggish the next day and not 100% and just like I am not living my fullest life. I also have two kids and since drinking is happening on weekends I feel like i am not as energetic as I would be otherwise. But I can’t seem to stop? I will tell myself that I won’t and then I will justify it come Friday and Saturday evening. It feels like a relaxing time to hang and connect with husband, honestly life is pretty boring in this pandemic and it switches things up. Any ideas from anyone who has been able to reduce/stop? Even going to 1 drink or once a week would help a lot.
Anonymous
I’d talk to your doctor
theguvnah
I’m curious about what kind of doctor experience you have that you think talking to a doctor would provide any help here? Talking to a doc about this would literally not even cross my mind, it would be absolutely useless.
Anonymous
There’s medication, for example, that prevents you from experiencing the effects of alcohol so that you don’t enjoy it anymore.
Anonymous
A doctor who treats addiction.
Anon
This makes sense to me. I have no interest in alcohol if I’m taking Wellbutrin or Contrave.
Anonymous
You’ve settled into a habit and need to change it up. Can you be doing something else in drinking time? Change what you are drinking? Drink your one drink with dinner then brush your teeth?
Anonymous
I figured out that I was in need of a “treat” on Friday/Saturday night and my 2 (or sometimes 3 if I am being honest!) glasses of white wine were my reward for making it through the week. I spent a lot of time during the shutdown trying different beverages to figure out what seemed sufficient “treat like” for my taste buds. My 2 final contenders were: diet root beer and a specific brand of peppermint tea WITH a fun show on Hulu. I keep those 2 beverages in the house and only drink them on Fri. or Sat. night. One glass of wine never did it for me. I always want at least one more glass. So it is just easier for me to keep my wine drink tickets for special occasions.
Ellen
Think of the long-term affects of drinking. You can get very bloated at a minimum, or worse yet, you can mess your liver up and get cirossis. My ex drank his way out of my life (good riddence) and I shudder to think what would have happened if I had married him, and worse yet, let him impregnate me with his drunken semen! UGH! Dad says I dodged a bullet. I say I agree. If you want to improve, today is the best day to start. Give up the bottle and your personal life will feel better. If you are looking to reward yourself, get a Rhubarb Smoothie; they are awesome and non-alchocholic. Grandma Trudy uses them for IBS, but I love them too and my tuchus is loving it. Go for it! Happy weekend to the entire HIVE!
not instafamous
What about making really fancy mocktails? Either on their own or with something like seedlip? Keeps the routine, the bonding time, the something to do, but without the alcohol.
anne-on
+1 – I highly recommend the Som brand vinegars. Those, plus seltzer, and herbs/citrus/tonic make a really fantastic mocktail. Soda or teas didn’t do it for me but the tart/herbal/fruity flavors scratched the ‘I want a drink’ itch for me.
PolyD
Seltzer + bitters is nice, too. There are all kinds of flavors of bitters, some don’t have alcohol. But even the ones that do, you’re only adding a few drops. They come in all different flavors – I like to do a peach + mint combo, it’s almost sort of like a peach mojito.
I’d also focus on remembering how you feel after drinking. I’ve noticed that two drinks in one night tends to make me feel depressed the next day, so that helps me keep it to one a night. Knowing I’ll feel this way also makes me feel more motivated to skip a night or two of drinks.
Anonymous
Can you separate the drink from the routine? ie relax and connect with your husband but swap out a different beverage.
I cut out coffee, and when I really examined it – I found that the part I missed most was the ritual of cradling a warm mug in the morning. So Decaf Tea also fits the bill.
Anon
For me, at first, it was being okay with downing LaCroix, Diet Coke or whatever like it was going out of style (The habit for me was as much about having something in my hand than the actual drink).
I don’t have much of a sweet tooth, but my “impending period” symptom is craving simple carbs – formerly in the form of beer. Pizza and ice cream took that spot for a few months – and you need to convince yourself to be okay with eating the whole thing if that’s what you need to do. Yeah, I gained a couple of pounds, but they’re off now (11 months since my last drink), and I could just as easily attribute the early weight gain to the fact that my digestion had gotten better and I wasn’t dehydrated from the beer/wine.
I never had a “problem” in the sense of getting a DUI, impacting work or making an ass of myself in social situations (I can do that quite well sober, thank you!), but I was feeling stronger cravings I was comfortable with, and it was becoming something to do when bored. I’m glad I quit, though I love the taste of beer and sometimes do miss it.
Allie
Does it help if you buy some of those fancy sodas or mocktails that are more commonly available nowadays? Still a nice treat to drink in the evenings, but not alcohol. Could you do something like tinto de verano, which is at least less alcohol?
Anon
Maybe it’s the ritual of preparing something “special” to commemorate the weekend in what is otherwise a very monotonous, draining week? If that’s it, try a SodaStream or a fancy tea. I’ve switched to fizzy cocktails on Friday night but sub carbonated water for champagne – think bellinis, all sorts of “punch”, spritzers, etc. I bought a mega pack of drink umbrellas from Amazon and it absolutely helps me switch into relaxed weekend mode without feeling like I’m using alcohol as a crutch to get through my anxiety.
T
Agreed on subbing carbonated water – my current fave drink is grapefruit seltzer with a splash (like literally I can make 7 cocktails with one nip) of Campari. Basically a cocktail and just vaguely alcohol-y to give very mild relaxation. Tall enough to sip for a long time, tasty, no headaches. I, too, feel that a few glasses of wine on Friday or Saturday leads to worse mom-ing.
Anonymous
If it’s just because of the routine, some things that have worked for me in quarantine lately are to drink things that are “almost” drinks – ginger beer over crushed ice, margarita mixer over crushed ice, lacroix over ice with a lime. I’m not saving calories with most of these, but I’m not drinking and that was the goal for me.
HW
Maybe switch to something with a low alcohol content? I’ve been drinking Stiegl Radler (the grapefruit one) which still feels like a fun drink but doesn’t make me feel bad the next day.
Out of Place Engineer
I just read a post on scarymommy which said the same thing…at least you are recognizing & want to change.
What about a special non-alcoholic beverage? Ideas like a shrub or sparkling water in a fancy glass with a special syrup. I’ve leaned into my Soda Stream hard during the pandemic, since the stores weren’t accepting returnables, and have been experimenting with all sorts of homemade syrups. (Oleo saccharums are my new favorite!)
CountC
+1 I stopped drinking during the week, but wanted the ritual of winding down each night with something fun, so I started making my own shrubs and using them with sparking water in a wine glass. It has worked for me!
Anonymous
my friend wrote that post :) Glad it got lots of exposure.
Anonymous
I use food instead of alcohol. Like a chocolate cupcake or similar. I don’t know if that is better overall, but it is a suggestion.
Em
I decided to cut back after my alcohol intake increased significantly during the pandemic and now often drink sparkling water with bitters in the evening because it feels/tastes fancy (bonus points if I can drink it on our deck). When I do drink, I drink Trulys and will sometimes mix them with sparkling water. If I drink alcohol I always drink some electrolytes before I go to bed (sometimes G2 although I’ve been buying Liquid IV lately) and that helps significantly with not feeling crappy the next day and helps prevent alcohol induced migraines for me.
Anonymous
Try non-alcoholic beer? Or Non alcoholic CBD Sparkling beverages?
Anonymous
Try Rachel Hart’s Take a Break class. The idea is you take a break from drinking for 30 days and do a lot of thought work. I’ve found it’s easier for me to abstain but I’m working on drinking a bit and then stopping at a reasonable amount.
Agree with soda and bitters – Amazon has a ton of interesting bitters and shrubs.
Anon
Is there another reason you feel sluggish besides the alcohol? Do you stay up a lot later the nights you are having the drinks with your husband? What is the alcohol content of your regular drinks? Could you swap it out with something much lower alcohol? I’ll mix one shot of grapefruit vodka into a 20 oz container of seltzer and sip that throughout the night when having back yard drinks with friends. I feel like I’m having 4 drinks quantity wise but in reality I’m having less than one because the whole mixture only had one shot.
anon
If you happen to enjoy beer, I encourage you to venture into nonalcoholic beers, which are a little niche, but my liquor store has a surprising variety. Especially the yeasty, slightly sweet, hefeweizen-type styles are pretty close in flavor. For lager or IPA styles, it’s more hit and miss to find one that you enjoy, but there are some good ones out there.
Anon
Try weed. I’m serious.
Anonymous
I happened to buy a soda stream maker of bubbly water at the beginning of the pandemic and have found that having a glass of this, iced and sometimes flavored, while making dinner quiets the urge to have a glass of wine.
Clementine
Looking for new ideas for athleisure clothes.
Specifically tops. I had a breast reduction a few years ago and most of my tops are left over from when I was a 34GG. Now I’m a 34C and realizing just how worn out most of my athleisure clothes are…
(Also, I’m now on team ‘just work out in a sports bra’ because I’m either running in my neighborhood or working out in my house and IDGAF so it can be a true ‘athleisure’ top.)
Anon.
I like OldNavy for this.
Jo March
+1 I bought a bunch of athleisure items from Old Navy recently and have my eye on a few more
help!
I’d just point out that while I also love Old Navy for this, they don’t seem to be able to manage e-commerce right now. I’ve placed two orders in the past two months and both have been disasters. Now they at least have one store open in my city to take back returns but it took three separate mailings over two plus weeks to get five items. FWIW.
AnonATL
All the stores in my area are doing curbside pickup now. You may have to modify what you purchase based on what’s in stock, but I was able to pick up same day if this is an option for you! They have definitely stepped up their Athleisure game lately. I have seen near identical items at target too if Old Navy is out of stock or sluggish.
I agree their shipping has been a mess lately and the great sales don’t help.
Anonymous
Agreed. I have had problems with returns at BR/ON and Athleta via the mail. I now gave a store open to do returns at but I have to really be confident that something will work.
SSJD
I’m in DC and recommend a local (woman-owned) store called Core72. Check out the website to shop or just browse. I mostly buy the true workout wear (loving Oiselle!) but she also carries athleisure. It might give you a bunch of ideas. The store’s customer service is great!
Does anyone here have a neck gaiter that’s made of material similar to the Oiselle Flyout shirts? I am finding the hot, humid weather makes me wish for a wicking material on my neck. Looking for recs for something that really won’t make me a lot hotter.
Clementine
Thank you so much for the Oiselle suggestion! I had heard about their running gear (particularly shorts) but hadn’t checked out their tops… which are lovely!
I actually just bought a neck gaitor there – I need another one to wear on my outdoor runs. This one looks wicking, so… I’ll let you know? I’ve used Buff bands as well.
Anon
I use a MISSION neck gaiter. I love it and it keeps me cooler during my hikes in 90+ degree weather.
Anonymous
I like Target for plain, basic athleisure tops.
Senior Attorney
Same. And they’re super cheap on sale, which happens often.
Layla
I really like Gap Breathe tanks.
help!
so… after months of obsessing on this, I went yesterday to get a curly perm. I have naturally mixed hair – some splotches of curl, mostly wavy, and some straight. I brought a few pictures of mediumish curls and sat down while the stylist (new to me) did her thing. Three hours later I left the salon looking like a poodle. I spent several hours googling “how to remove perm,” “how to relax perm,” and so on, and the best I can come up with is doing a deep cholesterol treatment in the 48 hour period after the perm which we all know from Legally Blonde is a no-no.
Does anyone have any other thoughts or advice?
Anonymous
Yeah chill. It’s been less than 24 hours. Perms settle.
Anonymous
Learn to love it or just tolerate the ridiculousness of your pandemic-do. Stay home and don’t catch COVID.
Anonymous
I hear you on the multitextured hair!
I too have gotten a perm and have immediately regretted it. The cholesterol thing may help. Do not use relaxer! That will just destroy your hair. Instead, what I figured out a bit late in the game, is that you can take semi-dry hair and use those coil-y things that look like phone cords and ponytail your hair (this will make the top part straighter but not make dents) and then make a bun, which will mush it all into lose waves when you unwrap it. Keri Russell (naturally very curly) must have done something like this (maybe with Skinny Serum, I swear by this) for The Americans, where her hair deserved an Emmy.
help!
I can actually visualize this… LOL.Thank you!
CountC
Call the salon and ask, but as someone already mentioned, it should relax on it’s own a bit. I would not put anything on top of the perm until I spoke with my stylist.
Anon
I learned from Legally Blonde that you are not allowed to wash your hair for three days after a perm, so….. wash your hair?
Your experience is giving me flashbacks to the home perms my mom administered to herself, me, and my sisters in the 1970s. It never looked like the picture on the box, that’s for sure!!
E. Woods
At the risk of deactivating the ammonium thioglycolate!
Middle school reading
For the first year ever, our school district didn’t assign middle school reading (or even suggest anything).
Can anyone suggest a really great book (KEY THING) that has a Spark Notes or Cliff’s Notes to go with it for middle schoolers? The notes are for me — I don’t have time to read ahead but I do have time to read the Spark Notes so we could try to have an actual discussion. Last year, The Westing Game (which I adored as a 6th grader) was on the list, but I think of that as more of a fun read and my kids are into fun reading, but totally don’t get Literature and Themes and Allegories (e.g., The Old Man and The Sea).
Their elementary school was doing Junior Great Books, which I was 1000% in favor of but then dropped it and totally did not tell parents about that until years later (WTF school! we would have picked up the ball at home if we known you had dropped it). Ugh. I am such a school hater right now.
Unrelated: The Spark Notes twitter has been great in the past (but silent lately).
anon
If they love reading already, just let them explore books at their own pace. I would have shut down if my parents tried to educate me. Left to my own devices, I picked up Shakespeare and other classics as a teen, because life is so full of references to classics and I wanted to understand those references.
Anonymous
I’d love to, but we have no libraries still and my last attempt at the bookstore resulted in buying a lot of things it turned out they’d already read.
Anonymous
Let them pick the books to buy.
Anon8
You can borrow ebooks from most libraries using the overdrive or Libby apps.
Anonymous
I assure you that you reading spark notes and then trying to discuss books is useless and your kids will see right through it.
Anonymous
Maybe just let them read the Spark Notes and the book? I loved that as a kid — it really helped stretch what I was getting out of the reading. And keep the characters straight.
Cat
Pretty sure I *had* to read The Outsiders and Island of the Blue Dolphins like 4 times each by the time I was done with middle school in the 90s. Not assigned, but I also loved Little Women and Anne of Green Gables around that age.
No other suggestions but in trying to remember what I did book reports or presentations about in middle school, a memory surfaced that one girl in my class – who was actually pretty smart – decided to do her book report on an installment of Sweet Valley University. Somehow I doubt the teacher was impressed with the choice of literature lol.
anon
Can you google your city’s library website, or talk to a librarian and see if they have a reading list for various ages? Many libraries have reading program sOr google Best books for . I buy a lot of books as gifts for nieces and nephews and those sources have helped me immensely.
I know you asked for a cliff or spark notes,and I don’t have any good ideas for you beyond using google: title of book that looks interesting (let your kids read the google ist and pick out some titles that look good to them?) and cliff notes and see what’s available.
All my suggestions involve effort, and it appears you’re looking for a something that’s already curated. I’m sorry. If you can enlist your kids on a group effort of picking out reading material you may all be invested a bit more and conversations about the books they picked out may come more naturally, even if you don’t know the plot highlights. Getting the kids to talk may do better than a set list of questions from a cliff notes book? Something to consider.
anon
I second the suggestion to let them explore and choose their own books. But my mom always gave me books as gifts, and I enjoyed discovering the classics that way, do I don’t see the harm in helping them choose.
Around 7th to 10th grade, I was really into the classic romances: Charlotte Bronte, Jane Austen, Thomas Hardy. Alexander Dumas is a nice mix of romance and adventure. I read Tolkein around the same age, but honestly, that was a bit of a slog. I think Shakespeare is pretty tough without an adult to help translate, but ymmv.
I think that’s also a great age for some of the children’s classics, if they haven’t already read them. Where the Red Fern Grows, The Outsiders, Catherine Called Birdy, The Witches, Holes. These are all very approachable stories, and likely well within their reading level, but deal with big themes, so be ready to help them process.
Anon
Can you just skip the critical analysis part and let your kid read fluff? At that age I powered through a series of unfortunate events, Harry Potter, Lord of the rings etc. It might not have inspired critical thinking but I am an amazing reader now which has served me well in professional settings. Or perhaps have a read the book watch the TV/show movie comparison? A series of unfortunate events on Netflix is amazing
Anony
+1 my mom let us read whatever we wanted as kids and I’m a voracious reader now; on track to read 52 books this year!
Senior Attorney
+1
I discovered Dune the summer after 6th grade. It took me all summer to get through it but it totally blew my mind. Also went through the complete works of Ray Bradbury at that age. I am quite certain there is a ton of problematic content in those works but… they blew my mind. Similarly, there are about a million Agatha Christie murder mysteries and I devoured all of them at that age.
Anon
OP, you should post this to the Moms site
anon
Stop trying to make this a child-free zone. I don’t have kids, don’t read the mom’s site, and I still found it a fun interesting question.
Anon
Same!
anonshmanon
also same!
Anon
Yeah, you need to stop policing this site for any posts that mention children. It’s getting old. You’re free to collapse any thread you like.
Anon
Alternatively, you can always ignore suggestions that content for Moms should be posted on the Moms site. But seriously, why have a Moms site if mommy stuff just gets posted here?
Anon
+1
Nah
Because Moms are also Regular Humans and don’t have to be relegated to their own separate universe. You are most welcome to start a No Kids Ever forum where you can grouse to your hearts’ content about people who chose different life paths.
My kids are grown now. I don’t read the moms board. But I enjoyed this question and remembering the books I read as a kid as well as the books my kids read growing up. So this is not a question that is exclusive to moms.
Anon
To me this post was clearly addressed to “former children,” not to fellow moms. I have no children, and I replied.
Anon
We had to read Night, Hiroshima and the Outsiders in 8th Grade. All are pretty short.
Anon
Could you get a copy of the Junior Great Books list that they dropped?
Ribena
We read Journey to the River Sea (Eva Ibbotson) in my first term of high school (age 11) and it was a great pick for the age group. Themes of independence and getting past scary things. Also room to talk about how damaging the western idea of ‘exploration’ has been in hindsight.
Other books with intersecting history could include the Cat Royal series by Julia Golding.
A very popular book for the 11-13 age group here in the U.K. is Malorie Blackman’s Noughts and Crosses. There’s now a BBC TV series (which I haven’t seen yet!!) but it’s one of those that schools LOVE and it opens up all sorts of interesting chat about why the world works the way it does.
I think you’ll maybe do better with ‘here’s a book’ and then being able to talk about the historical setting/geography/ social question/ etc than you will with the Spark Notes approach.
Anon
So my school had a bunch of recommended reading. Some of the things I enjoyed reading in middle / high school:
Harry Potter
Lord of the Rings
The Joy Luck Club
1984
Animal Farm
The Outliers
Freakonomics
A Solitary Blue / Dicey’s Song series
Agatha Christie series
Bronte sisters
Jane Austen (with the BBC version of dramas that were pretty spot on)
The Scarlet Letter
The geography of thought
The Neverending Story
Momo (and all other books by Michael Ende)
100 years of solitude
The Cartoon History of the Universe / United States
The Name of the Rose
Also yiu might have them check out the literature classes from Yale, etc on EdX or Open Yale courses.
Anony
I agree with letting them read whatever they want. If my mom had chosen are books for us, I don’t think that I’d be such a reader now. They don’t have to read the classics; there’s plenty of more time in school for that.
My favorite series when I was a middle schooler (that a librarian turned me onto) was The Belgariad series by David Eddings (Pawn of Prophecy is the first book). There are 5 books in the original series then additional, spin-off series. It’s an epic, fantasy adventure. I’ve also heard good things about the Redwall series by Brian Jacques. When I was young, there was nothing better than a long, epic fantasy spread out over multiple books.
Anony
Ugh *OUR not are… I’m glad it’s Friday!
KP
Red Kayak by Priscilla Cummings
Milkweek by Jerry Spinelli
both are a bit dark but age appropriate
KP
I thought of two more:
When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead
Wild Things by Clay Carmichael
KP
Me again. I felt bad that all my rec’s were white people books!
Maybe this site will help: https://coloursofus.com/multicultural-summer-reading-middle-school/
Thanks, it has pockets!
Off the top of my head, remembering the books I had to read in middle school and freshman year of HS that I actually liked, I’d go with To Kill a Mockingbird or The Outsiders. Animal Farm and 1984 are pretty good too if you think they’re ready. If they’re interested in plays, Raisin in the Sun and The Crucible might also be good. Maybe the Hobbit? I think I was 13 or 14 when I read that for fun.
Anon
Agere with all the posters above – let your kid choose fun books to them, don’t try to kill their love of reading!
If you must have a list, check out home-schooling resources. :)
Movie rec
Plug for “ the banker” if you haven’t watched it.
Anonymous
I have been mostly working from the office the month of July. Office is empty – 15 out of 200 people, I have a private office with a door, I feel safe. Managing partners just announced our landlord is closing the building next week (with some exceptions, but I’m no longer on the approved list). I hated working from home, though I have the space to make it better (was in an empty walk in closet, could move to the sparse second bedroom). Any tips for accepting this is long term and dealing with it with a better attitude?
Anonymous
Treat it as much like an office as possible. Go for a walk around the block as your commute before you start work. Don’t go into the extra bedroom on the weekends/evenings unless you are working. Maybe bring home some office pictures to hang up. Use your office coffee mug.
Anon
I think moving to a bedroom from a closet will make an enormous difference — having natural light is key!
Anon
Get a good sized desk and office chair – these don’t have to be expensive, try Wayfair for a million options. Take a drawer and fill it with the same kind of things you kept in your office desk – the same toiletries and snacks or whatever you stored, so you don’t have to go to the rest of the house ALL the time looking for things.
Flats Only
Can you take home as much of your office stuff as possible? Monitors, docking stations, proper desk chair, etc. Since you have space perhaps having all the normal bells and whistles you would have in the office will help.
Another implants Q
My younger sister’s mamogram came back not good and she is going back for follow-ups. The chatter lately re implants has me thinking — my larger friends used to joke about keeping the girls out of their armpits and off of their knees. Like they were just heavy; stairs were an issue; back pain was an issue; exercise was an issue. It just seemed like such a burden. Are implants weighty like that? Or are the materials and perhaps location under the skin (and muscle?) perhaps going to add stability (or not annoy the person with them)? When I found a lump this was a big concern I had re implants (and I am so small that my guess is that doctors would urge me to go larger, but any implant would be larger than I naturally am). Sibling is flipping out right now. She is also single, so reconstruction is something she is interested in for her life going forward.
Anonymous
Why borrow trouble? Or why not get some facts from the doctor she’s seeing?
Anonymous
I am so sorry for your sister. The waiting and not knowing is by far the hardest part of that process. I didn’t have implants or a large chest pre-BC, but my post-BC implants aren’t terrible. Reconstruction has come a long way and there are a lot of options, including fat grafting and autologous implants from your own tissue. While there are more pressing issues if it is cancer, I would urge her to find a great plastic surgeon who really specializes in reconstruction. In clothes, I would venture to say my b**bs actually look better now than before.
Anonymous
My firm told me I’m making partner at the end of the year – like it or not! I don’t feel ready but.. I guess I’m doing it. I have some savings and can cover the first year’s buy in. I’m nervous about income, taxes (no idea what that’s like going from w-2 to k1?), and the sink or swim of having no guaranteed income. Any advice, books/articles, etc. appreciated! I’m at a regional, midwest, midlaw but open to learning from anywhere.
Anonymous
It’s a little draconian, but I just automatically save 30% of any draw I get to cover taxes and it’s worked out. Quarterly taxes are majorly unfun though. If you have a home with equity, consider a HELOC to be able to draw on to cover the lean periods that you can pay down with draws. It’s much cheaper than funding by credit cards if you can’t directly fund life out of savings.
cbackson
Find out if your fellow future partners typically owe taxes in multiple states (I think it’s generally any state where you have an office and sometimes states where you do enough business, which may include having a major client) and how that’s handled (does the firm file a consolidated return in some of those states, do you need to file, etc.). You may need an accountant to help you with the tax filings if so.
Anon
Talk to your firm and go ahead and engage a CPA. Firms handle these issues differently. For example, we have the option to reduce our regular draws and take a quarterly tax draw.
Anonymous
Congrats! This is terrific news long term. Short term, save your last bonus as an associate to help you cover your Q1 estimated taxes. As a new partner I also set aside 28% in a savings account each month, and then used that to pay taxes. If you don’t already have an accountant who works with law firm partners, I would find one; she can walk you through the transition.
Anonymous
Ask your partners which accountant they use, and hire the same one if possible. They’ll be familiar with your firm’s books and more experienced on which states to file, etc. Agree with others to have a solid cash cushion for quarterly taxes this first year and for the first few months of 2021 if you won’t be collecting a draw. The Q1 tax estimate was brutal after buy-in and no draw for January, but it eventually evens out.
Anonymous
No ideas, but CONGRATULATIONS!
Alanna of Trebond
I set aside 55% of my distribution for taxes (live in a high tax state). Our firm handles all of our taxes with our tax department in house. Do you know that the buy in is an actual check at the beginning of the year (like suits) or is it gradually over time?
Movie Suggestions?
Would love recommendations for Saturday night movies that are available to stream. Husband and I are in a bit of a rut and can’t find anything we both would agree to watch, so we go back to our old standbys a lot (and then it just turns into mindless phone scrolling for two hours with background noise). To give you an idea of movies we like: Crazy Rich Asians, When Harry Met Sally, That Thing You Do!, The King’s Speech. I would say we prefer lighthearted but honestly just want something compelling without being overly sad.
Sash
We watched Troop Zero on Prime the other day and really enjoyed it!
Cat
Disney+ might be a good idea – Saving Mr. Banks was fun-interesting-emotional, the Star Wars universe, and of course Hamilton… and despite being a childfree 30-something couple, we’re catching up on the last decade of animation… Tangled was surprisingly enjoyable.
Knives Out (Amazon I think) was a delight.
SSJD
We watched the movie “Clue” last night (from 1985). It’s hilarious! I watched it a lot as a kid, but also really enjoyed it as an adult. We also really watched “Knives Out” recently (another murder mystery), and I recommend it. Have you seen “My Cousin Vinny” or “Four Weddings and A Funeral” or “Love Actually”?
BeenThatGuy
I just had a flash back to the WILD thread about Love Actually last December-ish.
Anon
We liked a River Wild with Meryl Streep and Kevin Bacon. I wanted to like the Swiss Family Robinson again, but there was too much animal cruelty during filming.
Anonymous
DH and I have gotten into rockclimbing documentaries even though neither of us rock climb. Try the Dawn Wall or Free Solo
Pink
I love Free Solo but it was hella stressful to watch. +1 for Knives Out: I thoroughly enjoyed it. I actually enjoyed Eurovision but that’s probably since I went into it expecting to turn it off. Have you seen About a Boy? For some reason that reminds me of When Harry Met Sally.
Anonymous
But we know he makes it so why did you find it so stressful?
Anon
I have no interest in cars but I found Ford v. Ferrari really interesting.
Knives Out might fill the bill for you.
If you like talky movies, the “The Trip” series might do it. There are 4 — “The Trip,” “The Trip to Italy,” “The Trip to Spain,” and the recent one — “The Trip to Greece” (that one will require rental).
There’s a podcast called The Rewatchables that I really like — a few guys talking about movies they’ve rewatched. A scroll through their episode list may reveal some good picks.
Good luck!
Anonymous
Not sure if this is available, but my husband and I enjoy rewatching Intolerable Cruelty – it is a really funny Cohen Brothers movie and I think lesser known. I could also watch Best in Show and A Mighty Wind daily.
Anonymous
I just watched Late Night and enjoyed it.
Judicial discretion
Yes, I watched this a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed.
anon
+2, this was surprisingly good.
OP
I rewatched Argo a few months ago and re-loved it.
hi hi hi
I watched Palm Springs on Hulu last weekend and enjoyed it.
Anonia
Death at a Funeral (UK version), Knives’s Out; seconding the Clue recommendation. Sixties era Disney movies are sometimes good for a laugh (That Darn Cat, etc)
Senior Attorney
I could watch Groundhog Day every day. Heh. Although I admit it might be a bit on-the-nose at the present moment.
And Galaxy Quest never gets old, either.
Jules
About Time
Thanks, it has pockets!
If you haven’t seen Always Be My Maybe, I’d go with that one. If you have Amazon Prime, Brittany Runs a Marathon and The Big Sick are really good too, they’ll both make you cry but neither is too sad, I promise!
Anonymous
2nd all 3 of these!
Forced in-person training in a hot zone
I started a new job in March, right as quarantine lock down started in my state. My job is fully remote at the moment, with the idea that we will continue to be remote as much as possible even when the pandemic is over. That said, I am supposed to attend the second part of a mandatory training in August. The first part, this month, was held virtually with all attendees using WebEx to attend. The exam itself was also offered remotely, with monitoring software. Yesterday we were informed that the 2nd training would be in person, in a hot zone city within my already hot zone state. This will require me to travel halfway across my state and spend 5 nights in a hotel room and 5 days in a hotel conference room with a group of other trainees. We’ve been advised that we will be spaced 6 feet apart but they don’t know if they will require masks of attendees and instructors. I am freaking out. I have two immuno-compromised family members. Just venting here. I have emailed my director to see if I can self-study course materials an am awaiting a reply. This training is required for my job.
Anon
Don’t trust you’ll be spaced. My friend went through almost the exact same scenario and people were spaced, but no one was wearing masks and it was held in a windowless basement room, not the large airy auditorium she was promised. It was for a training that consisted of a PowerPoint. This was in a burgeoning hotspot that is now a full-blown one. Push back with all your might.
anon
Training and exams can be delivered remotely….maybe they had this Part 2 training scheduled in person because they thought the pandemic situation would have improved by now?
Anon
I read somewhere that your biggest coronavirus risk factor may be your boss and it rang so true. Definitely push back. Try to get others to do the same.
OP
OP here – thanks all, I am a government employee and this training is being offered by another state agency so there’s very little within control of my own agency. I’m fairly certain my director will let me reschedule under the circumstances but I am really angry that I’m being put in this position. This is a new job, and it’s pretty highly coveted, so I am a little afraid about pushing back too hard.
Best masks
What are the best places you’ve found for reusable, machine-washable masks? Apologies if this has been discussed in length but I’m not great at searching Corporette archives!
Anonymous
You can literally google the name of this sight with the word masks to find several threads.
Anon
Yeah, that’s actually, literally a pretty crappy way to find things.
Z
I also haven’t seen a dedicated mask recommendation thread in a while, good to get new recs out there!
Anon
Do you have preferences about ties vs ear elastics, pleated vs fitted, filter pockets, nose wires, or materials?
blueberries
I love Old Navy for my large-ish face. Primary makes my favorite, but the adult size is a bit snug for me.
Anon
I love my Johnny Was ones. For my husband, I got him some at Petsmart of all places. The company that makes leashes, collars and bandannas, their house brand … I think it is Pawsafe, is making the masks. They are big enough for his face, light and comfortable but functional and are machine washable. They say air dry but he has put them in the dryer. They shrink some but still fit him.
Ribena
Etsy! Especially if there’s a particular sort of print you want. I have a long-standing love of Liberty prints so searched that and filtered for U.K. sellers (clearly you’d filter for your country) and then chose ones that were the style I like (pleated with elastic ear straps).
MJ
The best I have found on Etsy are from a store called redbrickquilting. They’re really comfy over the ears non-pleated, but the way the mask is sewn to fit a face’s contours makes them great. They also use fatter elastic which makes them less pinchy. I’ve reordered several times. Recommend.
Layla
Athleta for a mask with nose wire and adjustable ears or Etsy store 2BFFS for very lightweight masks.
The Lone Ranger
American Heart Association’s Heart Shop. WearFigs.com and Jaanuu.
Z
The Banana Republic ones are very good and popular on this site, these are my favorites right now and just bought 2 more 3-packs for my parents. I also like the masks from the Mandala scrub company.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Right now my biggest recommendation is Curvy Sense! Great prices, lots of colors and prints to choose from, and they hold up great in the wash.
Essential in Texas
I’ve been VERY happy with the Rothy’s masks. It’s basically the only one I wear now. My husband also likes its. Here’s a code if you want It. https://share.rothys.com/x/U3HX7q
Coffee Maker
Since working from home full time, I’ve become less and less impressed with my Keurig. I use one of those reusable metal filters rather than the individual pods, and there is always sediment in the bottom of the cup. From what I understand, the sediment is worse with a french press. Recommendations for a simple coffee maker that doesn’t use disposable filters (or disposable anything)? I only make about 2 cups a day, and I’m far from a coffee snob — I buy pre-ground coffee from Aldi.
Anon
Get a Chemex with a reusable sock for the grinds.
anon
Just get a regular ‘ol coffee pot? I make quite a bit on the weekends but only ~2 cups on weekdays, and I’ve found that my Cuisinart does just fine even with the smaller amount. (Caveat is that I am not a fan of the French press style of coffee.)
anon
This. I just put away my Keurig too…with WFH I have more time to grind fresh beans every morning for 2 cups of coffee made with the Cuisinart drip…so much better than Keurig.
Ribena
I have a Russell Hobbs coffee pot and I love it. I make one or two cups at a time and it handles that well (ie 14-32 fl oz of water and one to two scoops of coffee).
Anon
The sediment comes from your previous ground coffee not being ground to the right fineness. I use a burr grinder and a french press with local roasted beans and it’s a pretty solid cup of coffee
Pink
This and buy better beans. DH once advised some friends: “If you buy a $500 coffee maker and use it to brew Folgers, it is going to taste the same as if you brewed it in your Mr Coffee. Buy better beans.”
Aunt Jamesina
Yup, I have a burr grinder with a French press and there’s no sediment. Even when I had a cheapie grinder, I never had very much either.
anon
I’ve had this guy for over 5 years and it works great. https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B001R4LK1Q/ref=cm_sw_em_r_mt_dp_U_KhVgFb7FFFNZ6
Buy the reusable gold filter instead of the paper filters.
I also just bought a nespresso – I needed something for fancy coffees and, honestly, it’s WAY better than the old keurig I had. And the pods are fully recyclable. They have a good sustainability program.
Anon
I love my Aeropress, Although I use the Paper filters and compost them. There is a filter disk though that you can reuse.
Betsy
I love my Aeropress! Similar concept to a French press but much easier cleanup.
Help
I need advice. I’ve just purchased a condo in a small, four-unit building. The unit over me is owned by a single lawyer in her mid-forties with a four year old son. The son runs in the apartment at full speed all day long. I mentioned this to the mom a couple of times when she has brought up noise, as in “I’m so sorry [Son] was making so much noise crying this morning.” My response was “the crying is not and issue, but can we do something about the constant running?” Earlier this week I was working at home and things got really bad. I sent her a text and she responded “Sorry! Trying to get him ready for beach. Just told him not to run so he’s running more. Will try to get him out.” I’m astounded that she can’t control a four year old and doesn’t just ban running in the condo. “Getting him out” does not solve the problem because when he got back, the running resumed. I want to maintain a good relationship with my neighbor and can’t wear noise canceling headphones 24/7, but the noise is driving me mad. What do I do?
Anonymous
I’m sorry, but have you ever met a 4 year old? “Banning running” would be impossible.
Anonymous
OMG I have 3 kids. My middle is 4 and she sounds like a f-ing herd of elephants. She weighs TWENTY SEVEN POUNDS. We practice “quiet feet” and “ballerina feet” (she loves ballet) and I even encourage her to “walk sneaky so you can scare me!” my other kids and my husband do not have this issue. We are trying.
Mercifully, we live in a single family house. But she legit shakes the ceiling in floors below.
Anonymous
I have a kid on the spectrum and the running is a constant thing with kiddo. Not saying her kid is (kiddo may just be a bored 4YO during a pandemic), but you can no more control a child than the tide. You can course-correct a kid, but that is about it. Unless you shackle them, which you can’t do.
Anonymous
I bought a house once where there was a latch on the outside of a bedroom door. [I know: I should have had an exorcism before moving in. If walls could talk!] Suggest this, but maybe to a closet so the kid can’t build up any speed and annoy you?
Anonymous
Wait, you’re suggesting she tell her neighbor to lock her kid in a closet?
Cat
pretty sure this was sarcastic…
Anonymous
It is a Modest Proposal.
pugsnbourbon
Are you saying OP should suggest this mom lock her four year old in a closet? If you are I really hope you are joking, because what the hell
anonshmanon
Not sure if you are seriously suggesting to lock a human in a closet, but this made me think that maybe your neighbor could stop the kid from running in a particular part of her condo, so you can concentrate underneath?
Anon
I don’t have kids, but even I know that being on the bottom floor means noise. I can’t believe you’d complain about something like this during a pandemic when she has no childcare options and is trying to work!
Anonymous
+1 I would already hate you,
OP
Um, who said she has no childcare options and is working from home? She had a full time nanny and goes off to work most days.
Anon
I’m not sure why you expect silence all day. It’s a home they live in. Kids make noise at home. If you want silence, go into your office. She isn’t’ blasting music at 2 am when you’re trying to sleep. She has a kid who is being a kid? This comes with the territory of living in a multi-unit building. I’d happily trade an upstairs neighbor whose kid runs around during the day for the neighbors I’ve had who smoke (in a non-smoking building), throw mid-week parties that go until after midnight, do HIIT workouts (so much jumping) at 6 am, etc.
Anon
You moved in recently and she was there first, right?
The problem is likely that the condo floors and ceilings are not well insulated. This was really your responsibility to figure out before you moved in. Having humans above you doing normal human things is not something you can control. A 4 year old is gonna 4 year old. The mom sounds like she’s doing her best.
In short, this is a you problem. You need to either move or learn to live with it.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I know that most of the responses you’ll get will be “kids will be kids and the problem is you,” but I disagree. Parents do have an obligation to reduce the impact their kids have on their neighbors in apartment buildings. Plus, the child is 4, not 2, and should be perfectly capable of using “indoor speed.” I would suggest going to have a chat with her or calling her (to maintain distance) and say that you know it’s hard to have kids at home all the time right now, but if there is anything she can do, you would really appreciate it.
Anonymous
Hahahahaha
Cat
Eh – my brother at that age had 2 speeds – sitting still and eating, or running.
If she doesn’t already have area rugs, that is as far as I would go in making a suggestion — like if there is one long hallway that’s the worst of the noise. I might actually offer to contribute to the cost. But I’d feel bad even going that far, now that I type it out…
anon
+1. I was a well behaved kid because my parents made me that way — the problem isn’t OP.
Anonymous
Oh, you quarantined for months with a WFH single mom? How was in in month 5? I’d be climbing the walls. Or sedated. Maybe OP can hit the kid with a tranquilizer dart?
Anonymous
+1 this isn’t normal times, but even then, kids make noise. They just do.
Anonymous
Do you have kids? Do understand how much of this is the kid versus parenting? Parenting can only do so much (says the mom of two girls – one of whom has no off button, the other who is delightfully well-behaved, though they were parented in identical ways in the same home).
anon
No I don’t, I’ve never been particularly fond of children for all the reasons listed on this thread. I was just pointing out how I was raised but based on your comments + others, I guess my parents only get partial credit for that!
Anonymous
I mean, if you were well-behaved, you probably weren’t couped up indoors for 5 months at a time. You went outside. Playgrounds were open. Dogs have better behavior indoors if they are exercised regularly. I’m not sure what kids do with playgrounds closed, preschool closed, and a lot of other things you’d do with during a day aren’t available. I’m surprised the kiddo isn’t punching holes in the drywall — it’s normal behavior, especially for a cooped-up only kid. It could be a lot worse! At least he’s not a 200-pound adult doing box jumps at 5am!
Anon
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say you are not a parent. Parents can shape a lot, but there is also quite a bit we don’t have control over. Kids aren’t robots. Your temperament also likely had a huge part in that. Trust me.
Anon
+1
My younger kid was either still or running, but mostly running, until he was about 6. My older kid was the kind who would sit and play quietly all day.
Now my younger is 17 and I can barely get him to move, so this too shall pass.
Anon
I think it’s often cultural. It’s strange to me to say that “children are just like this” when it’s not true everywhere. But this also means it’s not going to change for a neighbor.
Anonymous
I would put $ that kids 5 month in to a pandemic ARE like this. Or they are rocking themselves alone in corners — pretty sure that that isn’t better. Everywhere on the dang planet if they have WFH parents, especially a WFH single parent and are only children (with 2 kids, they’d be beating each other up or whining constantly; OP might prefer this to that).
anon
I think you’re right — my family is not American and that certainly affected my upbringing. Also my mom didn’t work so having her undivided attention was probably significant.
Anonymous
I have 2 kids. The first, an angel. I attributed it to my parenting. The second shows that it was luck, not parenting, taking credit for the first.
Anon
I think a lot of parents whose kids are wild feel overwhelmed and are defensive about it, so they want to believe it’s universal. But loudness, brashness, independence, and displays of energy and action are all also culturally valued, accepted, and rewarded in leaders and public figures.
I’ve shared thin apartment walls with young children who were so quiet I only knew of their presence by sight. But the same was true of their parents and grandparents (and grandparents were providing undivided attention at all times). I think it’s just values and choices, but it’s definitely not individual choices.
Ribena
Anon at 11.04 – assume you mean she didn’t work for money. Your mother certainly worked if she was giving you her undivided attention all day.
anon
Yes Ribena I think it’s pretty clear that’s what I meant. I forgot how carefully I have to choose my words around here!
Anon
I’m not aware of a culture where 4 year olds don’t run around at home, especially at times when they are spending much more time at home than normal.
Ribena
Sorry, drummed into me as a pet peeve by my mum!
Anon
I love how all of these people b1tch and moan about their parents but then when it’s time to talk about “kids today” they were suddenly raised to be absolutely perfect children.
Anon
Going out on a limb the other direction, it’s perfectly reasonable in non-covid times for 4 year olds and younger (who make a lot of noise) to be in an apartment/condo all day. Noise during the day from children that aren’t yet in school is pretty normal. Sorry, if you want silence during waking hours, you don’t live in a condo. It sounds like OP bought this place before covid so probably didn’t think much about noise level during the day but that doesn’t mean she now has an expectation of silence now that she’s working from home. I just put an offer in on a house to solve this issue myself.
anon
+1, this is why when I bought my place I focused on SFH (and ended up buying in not as nice of a neighborhood as a result). I can’t deal with noise from adjoining units.
Anonymous
This is why I am in an end unit townhouse.
Of Counsel
Or noice cancelling headphones with white noise.
I can sympathize with OP but a 4 year old is going to run around and being in the lower unit of a condo means you are going to hear the people upstairs walking/running/jumping and dropping things. It comes with the territory, particularly if the floor/ceiling assembly is not well insulated. On the scale of unacceptable upstairs neighbor behaviors, this is definitely on the low end.
Also, all of you who were so extraordinarily well behaved as preschoolers, I wonder how well you actually remember how much running around you did and how much noise you made at 4.
Anonymous
Omg you get over yourself are you insane? Children run around. They’re allowed to. During the day?!? How on earth is this real. Buy top floor next time.
Anon
I’m astounded you can’t be more gracious to a single mom trying to parent a 4 year old while working full time in the middle of a pandemic, with what it sounds like no childcare. And to a 4 year old who is stuck in an apartment, with no school or friends and minimal outings, and a mom who is largely ignoring him while trying to work so that they don’t end up homeless. I promise you she’s trying (obvious from her conversations with you), but what you are asking for is literally impossible.
Anonymous
Add some noise cancelling panels to your ceiling. You can buy them at Home Depot for like 100.
anon
Dude, she’s trying. Do you not know what 4-year-olds are like?
Anon
You can ask the family to put in measures to mitigate the noise – carpeting, insulation – but you can’t ban children from running inside their own homes, particularly in the middle of a pandemic when there is less access to playgrounds, team sports, play dates, and all the other ways children are supposed to be able to express their energy
No Face
This. I have a four year old, and her behavior now is basically nothing like her behavior when she went to preschool, spent the night with her grandparents regularly, and played at the YMCA while I worked out. Her response is ear piercing screaming instead of running though. Plus your neighbor is single, so she can’t trade off kid duty with a spouse (e.g. husband takes kid running around the neighborhood while she gets work done.)
Area rugs are literally the best she could do under the circumstances. It will probably improve if/when schools reopen in your area.
Carrie
Not much, I’m afraid. You are lucky that the neighbor is kind and appears to be trying their best. But you need to be realistic.
I would ask about them getting rugs. This may be a requirement in your bylaws?
Start playing music in the background at your place. 24-7. Music is wonderful. Occasionally, switch it to podcasts/NPR/whatever…
Wear noise canceling headphones when you are working.
And just start letting it go. It is amazing what you can get used to.
You need to stop bugging her about it though. There is not much more she can do, and this is a nightmare time for her.
Anonymous
This is the kind of thing I did not understand until I had a child. She can’t make the child stop running unless that is all she does all day, and she does not like you enough to make keeping her child stationary her full-time job. She does not think it is reasonable and I agree. You CAN actually wear headphones or earplugs all day if that is what it takes. If she is a single parent working from home while taking care of a 4 year old, your life is almost certainly much much easier than hers right now. And I say this as someone who is currently listening to the baby elephants that live upstairs.
Anon
Why can’t the OP ask her to put down a rug or something? I agree that it’s important to be understanding of the times we live in, but does that mean that there is NOTHING that is okay to ask for? I can’t agree with that.
anon
Yeah same. It feels like the grace everyone seems to be full of is only available for parents, not the childless who are also suffering.
ELS
I’m childless, too, with an upstairs neighbor who has a little boy (he’s 5).
They’re suffering differently than I am, and it’s easier for me to adapt. It just is. The 5 year old doesn’t have as much control over his emotions and energy as I do, and that’s developmentally normal.
I do let his mom know when things are particularly noisy, or that I can hear activities that she may think I can’t (she asked about bed jumping – Yes! I can hear it!).
My point, I suppose, is that we all get grace. But we have to extend it, too, and it doesn’t sound like the OP here is actually extending any grace/doesn’t understand how 4 year olds operate.
anon
I meant grace from the commenters here who are being hella mean to her. I know we’re all having a hard time one way or another & that parents have it extra rough.
Anonymous
I assumed she already had a rug down. Rugs are not miraculous. But certainly that is reasonable if the neighbor is rugless. I doubt most 40 year old lawyers with kids do not have rugs though. People get very into rugs when they have babies because they fall a lot and the parents want some cushioning.
I’m sorry she’s suffering, but I think her neighbor is almost certainly suffering more, and she’s probably not willing to do more than she is already doing to mitigate this problem. So OP needs to live with it or move.
HW
Maybe focus on what you can control, like adding insulation to your ceiling.
Anonymous
Nothing. This is what apartment living is. You had to have known that buying into this situation. And I don’t say this as someone who is like — OMG children of course we HAVE to let them do what they want. I don’t even like kids and I get that this is the nature of kids + condos. I mean she could have a screaming infant next. Or someone could get an annoying pet. Or someone could be smoking pot someplace that it comes in thru your windows. At least with this problem it’s temporary. A 4 year old doesn’t stay 4 forever. A hyper 4 year old may calm himself at age 5 or 6 or whenever; it’s not like he’ll be 15 still running around.
Anon
+1 to this is apartment life. I had the loudest upstairs neighbor ever (a single adult, not a toddler) and it’s seriously what drove me to buy a house.
Anon
Yup. I had a nightmare childless neighbor who would have the LOUDEST “gardening” every d@mn night from like 2-4 am. I have no idea how he stayed employed. I would have taken a child running during daylight hours any day of the week.
Anonymous
I lived next to them, too. Some weird drunk BDS&M stuff, never before 2am, when I had a BigLaw job and a boss who didn’t care that I had had 3 hours of sleep and then blind rage, followed by exhaustion. I couldn’t tell if someone was being killed or . . . something else.
Anonymous
I lived below these people for a year. I would prefer a screaming, running child any day.
Anon
Yep. This is apartment life. Sorry. They could move out and you could end up with a much worse/louder/more annoying upstairs neighbor.
Pink
1) I’m unsure whether this is an actual question because…wow.
2) Even if kiddo wasn’t running, you would hear him walking, or jumping, or cartwheeling. Have you ever met a kid? They are loud.
3) Did you seriously not think about this before buying this condo? Have you never lived in a bottom floor or middle floor apartment? Did none of your friends say “whoa a middle floor condo with a kid upstairs; that’s going to be interesting”?
4) You’ve already talked to mom and she is trying her best. This is really your problem to mitigate. Get noise cancelling headphones for work hours. Install an extra layer of floating drywall on the ceiling. Try to ignore it. He’s four, not 18 so it’s not like he’s blasting rap music at 4AM. He goes to bed at what – 8PM? Get over yourself.
anon.
(1) I also thought this was fake! It’s a 4 year old in a pandemic and a single mom doing her best! But I think it was real!
Anonymous
on 1) – I think you’re right that this isn’t a real post. OP hasn’t responded to any of the useful suggestions on insulation panels. OP also claims below that she is wearing noise cancelling headphones (presumably playing music in them) and she can still here the kid playing with toys? Either her building is super unusually noisy or it’s not a real post. A number of posters suggested noise insulation panels and OP hasn’t responded to or even referenced a single one of those suggestions and just doubled down on continuing to bug her neighbor about the issue when the neighbor is already away and conscious of attempting to mitigate.
Anon
Is no one considering the challenges OP may be facing but didn’t disclose? Why do we assume that her life is great and the single mom is suffering? People without children aren’t riding through this pandemic with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts; they’re dealing with a TON of stress for all kinds of reasons too. Where’s the grace to go both ways?
anon
Yes! So much hostility toward someone who is also having a hard time. There is a way to defend the stressed out single mom without telling OP that you hate her.
Anon
But this isn’t a post where she asked for sympathy for general stress from the pandemic. I don’t think anyone here is saying a parent has it harder than a non parent (although I’m sure we could get into some debates there).
These are responses to a very specific question that she has. She also is not asking for help for her pandemic issues that happen in a bubble and don’t affect others. She is asking for advice on something that does affect others in the fact that she is bothering a single mom working from home with a 4 year old for something that (IMO) is not reasonable to ask, and adding to that person’s likely immense amount of stress.
Having neighbors above you is simply a challenge. There is some risk to moving into that situation. There are some factors you can rightly enforce (loud music at 2 am) but others that are just about the hand you are dealt of who is above you. (I do think asking for more rugs is reasonable though, and often I think required by the above person).
Anonymous
It’s a pretty mean-spirited post.
I get that you knowingly bought a bottom unit. Perhaps it was early Feb or earlier? But when we went into lockdown, all of the downsides of being in a bottom unit are there in all their glory. Per today’s WSJ’s A section: suburban real estate is hot now b/c people like not sharing walls or ceilings if they can avoid it. I’ve been there with the neighbor-hate, but with full-grown adults who didn’t care vs a kiddo on quarantine. Eventually, you will go back to the office. Kiddo will be at the park, preschool, or regular school. It all s*cks now, for kiddo and for you.
Anonymous
Because no stress I ever encountered before I had a child is nearly as hard as the stresses I have encountered as a parent. All of that life stuff you have to deal with without kids–illness, death, work problems, loneliness, relationship problems, trauma, abuse, etc.–you still have to deal with. You just now have a whole other level of work, responsibility, worry, and stress on top of it. And the pandemic is particularly brutal for working mothers.
Anon
I can see that, but choosing to have kids doesn’t mean that your preferences and needs take precedence over single people’s. It doesn’t mean you have a monopoly on hardship and that you’re entitled to not compromise. There still has to be room to work with those around you. Yes, it’s probably way too much to ask to get the kid to NEVER run, but the OP should be able to ask about rugs, making an effort to limit running to the extent possible, etc, while also preparing herself with earplugs and headphones.
Anon
+1000
Anonymous
OP’s exact comment was: I’m astounded that she can’t control a four year old and doesn’t just ban running in the condo. That’s why she’s getting heaped on. She’s not asking for helpful suggestions, she just wants it to stop completely. And that’s not reasonable. It wouldn’t be reasonable if it was an adult making the noise frankly.
Anonymous
I’m not saying she can’t ask about rugs or ask the neighbor to limit running, but she has already made the neighbor aware that the running bothers her and asked her to mitigate it, so I don’t think bringing it up again is going to do any good. I certainly agree that parents should try to minimize the impact of their kids on other people and teach them to be considerate; I give other parents the side eye for being inconsiderate all the time. OP just doesn’t seem to have reasonable expectations about child behavior in this situation.
No Face
I don’t assume her life is great. My friends loved next door to people who had noisy dogs who literally barked 24/7 and it made them miserable! The dogs would wake there babies up. They basically didn’t sleep.
But you know what? There was no magical solution. They talked to the neighbors about it, but they couldn’t make the neighbors make the dogs stop barking. The problem was only resolved when the neighbors moved.
Likewise, OP cannot make (and the neighbor mom) a 4 year old trapped in his apartment all day during a pandemic sit quietly. It’s not possible.
Anon
Yup, no magical solution is key here. Life isn’t fair, and that’s especially true when you have upstairs neighbors. What OP expects isn’t reasonable and she needs to accept that.
Anon
This. The loud noises neighbors make in shared wall or floor/ceiling spaces isn’t limited to kids. There’s no simple fix to this. Sounds like the mom is trying, there’s nothing else OP can reasonably do or expect.
Anon
Lol please suggest to her that she ban running, I’d love to see what happens.
OP
Thanks for all the (mostly) helpful comments. My neighbor is a lovely woman and her son is adorable. This is not going to turn into some epic battle, especially since I totally understand what having a 4 yo is like and what being stifled in a pandemic is like. I’m living here and working here all the time too and constant headaches aren’t fair to me. I will just keep speaking (nicely) to my neighbor and hope for the best.
OP
Forgot to mention, there is lots of noise from above that I just chalk up to living on the bottom floor – loud walking, crying, toys, etc. That’s life and I knew what I was in for when I bought the place. I also have a noise canceling Bose headset that I wear almost all working hours. I don’t think I’m willing to do all I can to mitigate this too.
Anon
I understand and agree. You’re well within your rights (and the bounds of human decency) to ask the mother to do what she can as long as you’re making an effort as well. Repetitive noises are used in torture for a reason and it shouldn’t be dismissed lightly.
Anon
Have you added insulation to your own ceiling? That’s something in your control.
Anonymous
No – you are not listening at all. You need to stop asking this and stop talking to your neighbor about this. You have let her know, and there is nothing more to be done. I say this as a childless person who would also be annoyed about this , but if you keep talking to her about this it’s you who are being the bad neighbor
Anon
Yeah, sorry but +1. OP you seem like a nice person and I’m sorry you are going through this, but I do not think the take away here should be to keep talking to her about it. I’m surprised after reading all of these comments from so many strangers that more or less agreed that that was your conclusion.
Anon
+1 it sounds like neighbor has taken what actions she can. There’s nothing else neighbor should reasonably do. OP needs to either figure out a way to live with the noise or find a new place to live that’s either a penthouse or probably something that does’t have shared walls because if it’s not a 4 year old running, it’s going to be music playing late at night or dogs barking or a million other things that come with living in a multi-unit building.
Anon
Really? It sounds to me like the neighbor has taken zero actions.
anon
She’s acknowledged the text and apologized which means she’s aware and presumably trying to keep noise at a minimum. What else should she be doing that she isn’t? Other posters have suggested rugs which would be an option but nothing in OPs lost indicates that the neighbor doesn’t have rugs already.
Anonymous
The suggestion for acoustical panels on your ceiling is a good idea. If you can have a contractor in, depending on how your building is constructed, you could see about getting the space between the ceiling joists foamed, which would do a huge amount to reduce noise.
Anon
I don’t think you do understand what having a four year old is like, as you claim you do, if you thought instituting a “ban on running” was a reasonable suggestion. I think you are WAY overstepping in what you’re asking the neighbor for, and you’re very fortunate she has been lovely so far.
OP
I will look into the acoustic ceiling panels, thank you. And I do understand what having a four yo is like (had one). While I raised him in a SFH, I grew up in apartments in a major city and neither me nor my friends were allowed to run in the house. I’m not saying it never happened, but my parents limited it as much as possible. I’m sure my neighbor is doing her best and I have no intention of constantly bugging her about this. She’s invited me to let her know when it gets really bad and I will. He’ll grow up and I will be patient.
Anon
Just throwing this out there for you and all the other posters who apparently remember being extremely well-behaved pre-schoolers, developmentally kids can’t really have explicit memories (i.e., the kinds where you recall what happened) until around age 7. While you certainly have memories from much earlier, these aren’t really the memories with a lot of detail and are more tied to emotional experiences (e.g., the general feeling of happiness when you went to the beach with your family for the first time). You don’t have the ability to recall memories specific enough from when you were 4 to remember if you were allowed to run in the house or not. You just don’t.
Anon
If that’s her youngest kid, on the bright side he will probably slow down in a couple years. If you’re not thrilled with acoustic panels you should be able to get rid of them eventually.
Anon
I think you need to re-read the comments that tell you this is not a problem you can make go away completely. You need to learn how to accept that and move on. No amount of talking to your neighbor, however polite, is going to give you a quiet condo. And I do think that there’s potential to make your relationship with your neighbor much worse if you keep nagging her about it.
Anonymous
I haven’t seen anyone note this but I would check the condo agreement for floor coverings — most NYC apartments require that 80% of the floor be covered by carpeting. If you really want to push you can ask her (or condo board) if you really mean to be a jerk about it. You can also offer to help cover the cost of those rubber pads for rugs to help add another layer of insulation.
O/w you’re on your own – you can’t control her or her kid. Insulate your ceiling, check your vents. Google “sound proofing expert near me”.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I know it’s a pain, but kids run. They just do. They have a lot of energy, and they love to run away from the adult in charge when it’s time to put something on. They don’t really get that running around is going to annoy their downstairs neighbor because they just don’t have that context yet. Get some noise canceling headphones.
Honestly, everyone who’s ever had an upstairs neighbor has, at some point, wondered if their neighbor has opened a CrossFit gym in their living room. It’s part of apartment/condo life, unless your place is a row house style duplex.
Anon
I think there’s a responsibility on the part of the mom as well to respect her neighbors. Having a kid doesn’t excuse constant noise as an apartment dweller, if she doesn’t have area rugs she should at least make that effort. There’s something to be said for understanding and consideration going both ways, kid or not. That too is part of apartment living. Not saying prohibit the kid from being a kid, but all things in moderation…not sure why the kid’s unchecked need or interest in running without limit is paramount…as part of being a good neighbor or at least making an effort. I don’t think it would be unreasonable to have a kind, respectful conversation about rugs or balance.
notinstafamous
Going for a socially-distanced patio chat with a senior partner at a different firm I really want to lateral into as a mid level biglaw associate. Not NYC. We’re all working from home, so what do I wear? It’s not an interview technically, but showing up in a sundress feels too casual. It’s the first time I’ve met him. It can’t be denim for an unrelated reason. Help, please!
Anonymous
A jersey dress with sleeves? Pixie pants and a blouse?
Sash
I would wear a sheath dress or something similar.
anon
+1 to a lightweight wool/poly sheath dress, and if you want coverage for your shoulders and arms, a lightweight cardigan to go on top. Still professional looking but not a full on suit.
Cat
since you’ll be outside, I’d stick to lightweight business casual – seersucker skirt, nice-chambray shirt, closed-toe flats? Short-sleeved wrap dress?
SSJD
Wear a pair of slacks (khakis would be perfect, but could also be white pants or navy pants) and a short sleeved shirt with a collar. You could do a skirt, but since you don’t know what the seating will be like, pants are a safer choice for modesty.
Never too many shoes...
I’m sorry, maybe you are trying to be helpful, but the OP does not need to dress like a retiree on vacation. Khakis and modesty? Hard pass.
Anon
I agree with the pants for ease of seating suggestion. It’s not, like, Mormon level modesty, it’s knowing you can sit easily so you can worry about more important things.
Cat
I think it’s safe to assume that the patio in question will have regular adult chairs, so would wear a skirt due the super hot weather… any skirt that requires careful monitoring when seated probably wouldn’t be my pick for a business meeting in any circumstances!
SSJD
I’m gonna push back on this a little. When it’s 90 degrees, I prefer to sit with my legs splayed. Otherwise, my groin area gets hot and sweaty, and it’s uncomfortable. Therefore, I sit with my legs apart for airing. This is almost impossible to do politely in a skirt while sitting across from someone on a porch. Maybe it’s possible if you are sitting at a table together, but if you are across the porch from someone, you need to keep your legs together. A pencil skirt, a-line skirt, any knee length skirt, all will make me uncomfortable sitting with my legs splayed across from a senior partner man I’ve never met before. A long skirt might allow this, but doesn’t read professional to me. So, I recommend pants (shorts are definitely not appropriate). And I stand by my collared shirt recommendation–doesn’t need to be stuffy but I’d prefer to look professional in this scenario and a collared shirt helps convey that look. Seersucker would be great, chambray also a winner. A blouse that reads professional (but without a collar) is also okay. I would make sure that the shirt itself is professional–adding a blazer or even a cardigan to sit outside in 90 degree weather is silly. Personally, I would not go sleeveless. I think it is rarely a flattering look and it is really not a professional look. I know I’m old school about this, but sleeves are part of all my business attire and this is ultimately a business meeting.
T
My mom is pushing 70 and dresses far chicer than this. Please do not wear khakis and a short sleeved collared shirt for the love of god. Non-khaki ankle pants, top, light jacket or cardigan? Tailored linen dress and light jacket?
Lily
I would wear a sleeveless (because it’s 90 degrees) sheath dress in the most casual but work-appropriate fabric you own.
anonymous
Can a MinuteClinic or other similar walk-in place diagnose and treat a UTI or is it something I’d need to go to a doctor for?
Anonymous
Yes, a minute clinic can do this.
Anon
Take one of the home tests and bring in the diagnostic stick with you. They’ll write you an Rx. Don’t take any numbing tablets before you take the test.
Anon
I’ve never done a minute clinic for this, but I’ve easily been able to go into urgent care the same day and get a Rx for antiobiotics. One time when I was in trial I was even able to find someone who came to my house to diagnose me and then just wrote me the Rx (wasn’t super pricey either).
Cat
+1, but my experience with urgent care was terrible (they prescribed me one antibiotic pending results, results actually came back negative but I had every single classic symptom, antibiotics did nothing, I search around and find out some UTIs only respond to different antibiotics, called urgent care and asked for a different Rx, they said no, I finally just called my gyn out of desperation and she prescribed a different one based on the conversation… which worked miracles overnight and I was totally normal 1.5 days later).
It actually prompted me to find a PCP to avoid going to urgent care ever again.
Carrie
FYI – it doesn’t sound like the clinic did anything wrong.
You should have gone back to the clinic for a repeat culture if you were having persistent symptoms. You can’t expect to have follow-up care done over the phone, by a random doctor/NP who doesn’t know you. And it would be bad medicine for a clinic to prescribe you a second antibiotic for a negative culture. You needed a repeat culture. There are also several other causes of UTI like symptoms that are not a UTI. Or maybe your body was also starting to clear the UTI on its own without antibiotics when you took your first sample, so nothing grew. But It was your responsibility to follow-up in person if the symptoms did not improve. Or maybe telemedicine.
UTIs can be caused by many different bacteria. Many different antibiotics may or may not be effective. The only way to know the best treatment is to wait FOUR DAYS after a culture is done for the results and antibiotic sensitivities to be completed. If the doctor is highly suspicious that you have a UTI, some will give you a prescription for an antibiotic before the results are back. But yes – it may be the “wrong” one. And giving the wrong antibiotic early is a contributor to all of the antibiotic resistance we have these days.
So it is great you now have a PCP. That is the long term answer.
Cat
This context is actually really helpful, because at no point was anything you just said explained to me, nor was it suggested I come back in person for a repeat culture or other screening, despite my symptoms continuing to worsen… they just shut the conversation down and did not make it easy to advocate or explore next steps for additional care. So, my advice to the OP is to tread cautiously with urgent care if you aren’t an “easy” diagnosis and responding to treatment.
Anon
Yes, I would want a culture to see which antibiotic to prescribe. I’d also be really careful with cipro (which many urgent cares are not). Confirmation that it’s actually a UTI is nice too; cystitis can have identical symptoms but without any infection (learned this the hard way).
Anonymous
I’ve gotten this diagnosed and and Rx over video.
KW
Can you do a virtual visit with a dr? I did and based on my symptoms and the questions he asked, he sent in a prescription for me that cleared it right up. Otherwise, an urgent care place would absolutely be able to help.
OP
Thanks, all. I’m not 100% sure it’s a UTI so I think I’d like to go *someplace*, not rely on tele-health. I guess my original question should have been, clinics will be able to do the culture for me, right? and sounds like the answer is yes.
Anon
I’ve done this over the phone. Right now I would avoid urgent cares unless desperate. Does your PCP do Zoom calls?
anon
Can anyone recommend a great fruit cobbler recipe? Something I can mix up quickly and dump on top of fruit because I like pie, but sometimes I don’t want to bother making a crust. I’ve tried a couple of internet recipes and they’ve all been fairly gritty and dense.
mascot
Have you tried “cuppa cobbler” type recipes? It’s basically a cup of flour, cup of sugar, butter, some milk and a few other ingredients. Makes for a cakier toppping.
anon
I’ve always been disappointed by cobblers. How about searching for a [fruit] crisp recipe instead?
anon
Yes, I would def try a crisp recipe if you’ve got one to recommend. Mostly I’ve been searching [fruit] recipe and trying different toppings whatever they are called.
Aunt Jamesina
I vote crisp, too! I like this one: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/summer-fruit-crisp-recipe
Aunt Jamesina
… and I don’t always use peaches, I’ve made this with a number of different types of fruit and it turns out well.
Pink
Southern Living Fresh Peach Cobbler recipe.
Anon
Mark Bittman’s apple crisp! It works well on any and every fruit I’ve thrown it on top of. Oatmeal, brown sugar, butter, cinnamon (I double the cinnamon), shredded unsweetened coconut, pecans, flour.
Sunflower
David Lebovitz’s website has a great recipe this week for Texas Peach Cobbler.
anne-on
I also do crisps instead of cobblers these days – I prefer crunchy sweet crumbs to cake-y topping. I do some sort of variation on this (toasting the almonds in a pan briefly makes it even better!)
https://goodcheapeats.com/nutty-streusel-topping/
This is about the only cobbler recipe I’ve liked in recent years but it is MUCH thinner than a traditional cobbler, closer to a clafoutis. I would also suggest a clafoutis!
https://smittenkitchen.com/2015/08/crispy-peach-cobbler/
anon
Thanks guys! I’ll look at some of those.
Anonymous
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip29idmcCps
Though as one friend put it, it’s really more of a pancake bake than a cobbler. It’s delicious, though.
Anon
https://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2017/08/blackberry-cobbler-recipe.html
I love Stella Parks recipes!
anon
I love dump cakes. Basically any kind of fruit (I usually use blueberries), yellow cake mix, and butter.
Senior Attorney
And chopped nuts on top!
Senior Attorney
This is delicious and easy. I like to put it in individual ramekins.
https://bakeorbreak.com/2012/06/mixed-berry-cobbler/
anon
Alton Brown’s fruit crisp is delicious, easy and a great way to use up stale cookies/crackers/cereal. He calls for frozen berries but I’ve made it with anything else.
Also, I see nothing wrong with grocery store pie crusts :)
Anon
I never like crisps or cobblers as much as actual pie. So my solution had been galettes using Plisbury refrigerated pie crusts. They keep a long time so I usually have 1 or 2 in the fridge.
To make a galette, toss berries or other fruit with an appropriate amount of sugar. Lay parchment paper on a baking sheet with a rim (I use half sheet pans) and then unroll the crust on the parchment paper. If you want to roll the crust larger you can do so on the parchment either on the counter or already in the pan. I usually just pat it a bit larger with my fingers.
Pile the fruit in the middle and then fold the edges up and over the fruit, leaving a sizeable hole in the middle. You’re really just trying to create sides.
You can brush an egg wash on the exposed crust or just get it a little wet with your fingers and sprinkle on some turbinado sugar before baking. Or not.
I bake at 375 ish until the crust is browning a little and the berries are bubbly.
Sorry, I’m not much of a recipe follower! But you can feel your way through something like this.
Anonymous
Yes, the Budget Bytes lemon berry cobbler. One of the easiest recipes I’ve ever made and it was a hit at my last family party.
Pre K learning pod
Apologies if this has been discussed a million times, I haven’t been able to keep up here over the past few weeks. Reposting from moms for more eyes.
I’m putting together a learning pod of 5 families and a teacher – my daughter can’t do another school year on zoom and it seems like that’s the direction our pre-K is heading in. Teacher will teach/organize activities entirely outside with kids each sitting in their own hula hoop. One of the families who wants to join has a number of questions about who is going into an office and how they’re commuting. Right now, most are wfh or driving to a very limited office (think: traders on a trading floor at 5% capacity). Things might develop for better or worse between now and the end of the session in November.
How would you handle the parameters for something like this? Do you think it’s ok to say no public transportation or something like that? What would your comfort level be?
blueberries
I think everyone should be really open about their lives and risk tolerance for various risks. I don’t think it works to prohibit people from taking lawful risks they find acceptable/necessary, because they’re going to resent it or have a hard time consistently following it. Better not to be in a pod together if families have significantly different risk tolerances.
OP
Should mention this is almost like an at home preschool -professional teacher, $2k tuition for fall semester, etc.
Because of the tuition component, it feels different from play date pods or something where it can develop over time and people can drop out if someone else is doing something they’re not comfortable with.
Obviously this needs to be a conversation with the other families, but trying to gauge good starting points. I feel like no public transportation, quarantine after interstate/air travel, and masks in indoor shared spaces is a fair place to start?
Anonymous
Where is everyone finding these teachers for these private pods? Are teachers being laid off in masses? Aren’t they still going to be paid by their schools for online learning — even if 5 kids/class attend, the school can’t just tell those kids to find a pod, they have to still provide a virtual class for those kids. Are there droves of substitute teachers sittng around who say they’ll do this? Or is this just moms who will teach?
As for your actual question — I think that’s bordering on insanity. I’d focus on what the kids are doing/where the class is held and maybe on the teacher/her family life. IDK that I’d focus on the fact that one kid’s trader father takes NJT to NYC. However, if it makes you so uncomfortable feel free not to enroll your kid in any pods where anyone works. I’m sure you can find pods of kids with full WFH families esp since it sounds like you’re in NJ or Long Island/Westchester where lots of NYC employers have said no one comes back until 2021.
Anon
We have a lot of early childhood education students who have entirely remote learning for the fall, a lot of “enrichment type teachers” – library classes, ymca classes, music classes that have all been cancelled indefinitely, and a lot of stay at home moms who were preschool/K teachers before they had their own kids
It’s going to be a hot commodity, Particularly the closer we get to school starting. People in my town are basically paying regular nursery school to hold spot for next year, learning pod of about $1k per month so they have someone other than zoom, and nanny for the remaining 5 hours in the workday. It’s insanity and a lot of it is funded from wealthy grandparents based on what I can tell.
AnonMPH
Why do you think this is bordering on insanity? These are the kinds of situations we are all grappling with as we negotiate seeing friends or family, and made more intense by the tuition aspect. You sound extremely angered by this whole idea.
OP-I think these are all valid things to put on the table, and make sure everyone is generally on the same page for some of these big issues. I’d say it would be good to outline the big areas for discussion and then have an open conversation about how much/how people will be going to work, what socializing everyone will be doing outside of the pod, what the policy will be on travel, etc. Rather than trying to figure out what you should tell everyone the rules are, I’d suggest shaping it as, these are big questions for everyone that we know each family may be currently or in the future handling differently. Let’s talk about each, hear what everyone is doing now and what they want or expect to do in the future, and come up with some norms we can all agree to.
However, maybe the most important thing would be deciding how you will negotiate change. We don’t know what will happen during the next 12 months of the pandemic but we certainly know things will look different than they do now by the time the next school year ends. There needs to be an agreed upon, communicative and transparent process for alerting the group to changes in individual status, and negotiating changes in the outside environment that impact the whole group (i.e. what happens if cases spike in your area? drop precipitously? school in-person becomes a full time option? another stay at home order?).
Basically, I think this pandemic life only works for everyone if we all communicate more than we ever have. It’s hard. But its the only way.
Quail
We went through this earlier this summer. Our preschool organized essentially nanny-shares for kids in the same class, hosted at one family’s house (inside) with a teacher. We paid regular tuition. (Reader, it was awesome.)
The potential families had a LOT of awkward but necessary conversations (this was in April when we were in a hotspot and no one was wearing masks yet) about our collective comfort with offices . And we, as a host family, decided that we were not comfortable having someone in our group/home whose parents were continuing to go to the office. The parents were taking ubers. Part of our discomfort was that these parents did not volunteer that they were still going to the office. They only disclosed when I asked them directly, after the rest of the parents had shared that they were working from home. So we were concerned more about their willingness to omit information than the actual behavior (although that did play a role).
I would feel differently in your situation because it is all outside. And it also depends on whether you trust the local gov’t decisions (are people going back because it’s actually safe, or because someone set an arbitrary standard for return to normalcy?) But the real point is you HAVE to be comfortable having those conversations and trust that everyone else will disclose with full honesty. Where are people traveling? Do they have frequent visitors from hotspots? What happens if a kid or teacher tests positive? (What happens if the teacher is sick not from Covid?) When should people get tested? Do they quarantine while waiting for results? Etc.
It takes a lot of trust. But made SUCH a difference for us and for our kid to have the social outlet and education.
Anon
Good insights about Indian Matchmaker about all the issues that are glossed over in the show like cast and colorism. https://slate.com/culture/2020/07/indian-matchmaking-netflix-controversy-colorism.html?via=homepage_taps_bottom
Anonymous
Anyone working from their parents’ house and finding it “challenging.” Had been at my own home for 4+ months. Came to my parents home for a change of pace. They’re the typical immigrant — OMG you must work hard types. I am currently in a government job that I hate. So I do the work but honestly the work is easy so I’m not sweating over it 24-7. It’s one of those jobs where you can do what you need to do in 2-3 days of the week and then chill. And frankly I just don’t care — I’m not looking to get promoted, stay forever etc. And then you have my parents — OMG it’s 10 am you haven’t logged in yet, what must your bosses think, you need to tell me when you have a call so we can make sure to shut off the tv/eat lunch early that day (in a single family home where this isn’t an issue for me). Uh no. It’s been 4 days and the micromanagement is driving me insane. I have clearly said — look I do my job but I don’t care about this like I cared about jobs #1 and 2 in my career so whatever. They refuse to accept that (I think in part because for them a government job was a dream they never got — i.e. stability + pension; so they think — take it seriously, don’t mess it up; while I’m like – honestly I could care less if this doesn’t last and if I have to do this for a career, I’ll go crazy). WWYD short of going back to your own home? Which will ruffle feathers because it’s already scandalous that an unmarried immigrant daughter didn’t pack up to come stay with them 4 mos ago. But I legit cannot take this type of micro management.
Anon
I would go home.
Cat
If you can’t go home yet… I would hide. Work from the bedroom so they can’t tell you’re here commenting or watching Netflix or whatever? or sit outside for the same reason? Buy one of those laptop screen shields marketed to business travelers so if they’re trying to peek at what you’re doing you can tell them your boss recommended privacy?
Anon
Yes. Why on earth are you still living with them? You’re a grownup, you have your own house.
Anon
+1 I find it so weird when grown adults act like children and stay with their new parents
anon
Y’all it’s really not helpful when you jump in to dismiss other people’s cultural norms! She didn’t ask you to understand it, just to offer some ideas to help her cope. If the only thing you have to add to the conversation is derision then please collapse and move on.
Anonymous
Immigrant families are different esp from certain parts of the world – like Asia or Middle East – and also with expectations of unmarried daughters. I’m not saying it’s ok or saying OP shouldn’t go home, but IDK if you understand the conversations and guilt tripping that happen — which no doubt OP was subject to for the 4 months she didn’t come stay — unless you’ve been a part of it first hand. It very much is NOT a parental view of — you’re a grown adult now, you can handle your job/life how you want. They WILL put in their two cents even if you tell them you don’t want it or need it or it offends you. Heaven forbid you say it offends you, they are YOUR PARENTS and in their minds can say what they want to you, offensive or not, whether you’re 50 or 20. Again I’m not excusing it or saying she should stay but just saying home life is more different there than people realize.
Airplane.
Go home. I say that as a child of immigrants with the same work hard/stability over everything mindset. You are an adult – break away.
Anon
Ha! I have the exact opposite problem. Visiting my parents and working from their home and they don’t understand why I’m in my room so much working and why I can’t have a two hour lunch and why dinner can’t be at 5. My mom actually just came up to see if I was sleeping because she hadn’t seen me in two hours. I’m going home tomorrow but this has been cute.
anon
omg, I feel ya. Our elderly neighbor asks every few weeks whether we are seriously working a real 9 to 5 from home. I am sure the bigger part of this is that she has not the slightest idea what computers can do, so she doesn’t understand how we can work with them. But it always feels a little like she wants me to admit that we’re slacking off while wfh.
ArenKay
I’d go back home. You’ve made your perspective clear and they do not get it. Nothing will change. It sounds more stressful to be there, which I do not think is the kind of change of pace you want.
Jo March
I would also go home. The “scandalousness” has already happened when you didn’t come stay with them earlier. You can simply say you focus better on your own and being with family makes it hard to keep work and life separate. No one’s going to give you permission to live your life on your terms, you just have to live it.
If you really can’t go home for whatever reason, just pretend to be busier than you are? Read a book or listen to a podcast, do CLEs, or something else for your own growth while your parents think you’re working.
Ellen
I agree. They live in a different world but you too need to focus. You have a goverment job that is easy, so you now have time to focus on finding a significant other, which you cant do there. Go home, relax, and start to try and meet men. Do not be too willing to do stuff now with them b/c of the Corona, but be open to flirt and show your stuff to attract and retain men. Once the pandemic is under control, you can then examine doing more in the s-xueal arena, all to attract and retain the RIGHT man. Men do have needs and wants, like us, so do not hold back if you find a decent one. You can then bring him home to show your parents, who will be thrilled that you have found a man in these uncertain times. YAY!!
Anonymous
How long will you be there? Can you tell them you went part-time for a period, even if not true?
anon
Lol I had to stop and ask myself if I somehow blacked out and wrote this post unknowingly — immigrant parents, boring/too easy govt job, etc.
I have commandeered the entire upstairs of the house, which includes my bedroom and a guest room that is now my office. I spend the entire work day (minus meals and snacks) in my office, even if I’m not working. Any downtime is filled with exercise (I have a yoga mat and kettlebells in my office), reading, or watching TV/Netflix. My parents think I’m very hard at work, but I’m mostly chilling lol. I will also occasionally say I’m taking a conference call from my work phone, then put on a podcast while going for a walk outside.
Anonymous
Echo all of the above — either return to your home; or if you stay spend your time in one room watching netflix or listening to podcasts or whatever during the work day. And just in case you have anything “extra” you wanted to do professionally — like say a certification, a class, or another bar exam or something of that sort — this would be the PERFECT time to study. As you tap away on your laptop making outlines, it looks like work. They don’t need to know that it isn’t paid work and rather that certification you’re doing because you’re looking for an industry switch or whatever. Also wouldn’t be a bad time to polish up the resume, send some emails, do some networking calls. I’m not saying that’ll take you 40 hrs/wk, but it can give you a few days/weeks of progress on that front which’ll make you feel like you’re doing something on the career front while making them feel — look how hard she works all day . . . They don’t need to know it’s that you’re scouring linkedin to get in touch with contacts.
Anonymous
If you are the poster who was pushed out of an NY firm due to nepotism, landed in a government job that she is too good for with coworkers who dare have lives outside work and like sharing salsa recipes instead of discussing Supreme Court opinions, spent years asking “is it too late for me to be partner” and “what do you do if your career isn’t working out how you expected,” have friends and relatives who keep asking why you’re single but don’t they know how big your portfolio is (although of course you would never dream of telling them), is being judged by a friend living in NY who makes way less than you (but omg you would NEVER mention your portfolio to her face) and is condescending your house bc she is secretly jealous of you…
GET HELP. What have you been doing with your life besides whining on this blog for literally years?! No one is jealous of you. As to how I remember any of this, your lack of self-awareness and superiority complex is just on another level. You are standing in your own way.
Anonymous
HUH? OMG it’s an online blog, it has more than one poster. I remember the NY associate you’re talking about, and yet I don’t think she’s posted here in years. We just don’t hear that story anymore.
Anon
If anyone needs to get help, it is you.
Anonymous
I apologize
Anonymous
Well I spend my time scouring zillow for homes. Same story as yours re family, immigrants, boring job. Came to my parents for the same change of scenery because I live in an apartment. Now I’m like — time for a house or townhouse in my OWN area. Or even a house or townhouse rental.
rosie
If you’re going to stay there, you need to establish boundaries. So don’t tell them that you’re not taking this job seriously and you don’t really like it and that’s why you’re not online yet blahblah. Tell them you’ll be working 9-3 or whatever hours you set (or say 9-6 and watch netflix). If they ask when you have calls, just politely say that you have a few here and there and you’ll let them know if you need anything.
Anonymous
Hey there! I’m in a very similar situation as an unmarried daughter of immigrants. I chose to stay at my place (10 hours away) during the first three months of the pandemic (partly to preserve my mental health and partly because I was sick with something) and have been at my parents place for two months. It’s been rough. I’m going back home in a week.
It took me a while to get used to the lack of autonomy, semi-regular interruptions, and additional responsibilities of spending time with my parents and helping them cope with the pandemic. Plus I hadn’t been home in a while, my parents are getting older, and there is a ton of their own business that they haven’t taken care of, which now I’m helping them with.
Ideas:
Can you give yourself a date that you are going back to your own home? It can be a date just for yourself or one that you share with your parents. It can be a date by which “you are required to be at the office” (hint, hint). I find that if its temporary, it’s easier to deal with.
I’ve had a lot of periods in my life where I’ve come back home to my immigrant parents: after college when I didn’t find a good job, during law school when I lived at home, when I lost my job, etc. And I’ve had many opportunities to slowly, slowly establish some boundaries or share my perspective enough with my parents that they trust my judgement of things. So I have a bit more of the boundary established dynamic than other children of immigrants.
Some ideas:
Carve out your own space. I work in the most remote part of the house and have tried to get folks to minimize visits to me.
Carve out your own mental space. I don’t have many connections in my home town, esp. with social distancing, so it’s hard to find ways to get out of my parents house to have me time. I’ve decided to create me time during “my working hours” by reading on my work laptop.
Develop an exercise habit where you leave the house.
Come up with other things that you can accomplish while at your parents house to make dealing with the micromanagement more worthwhile. E.g., going though old mementos to see what you want to take to your place, a craft project that you can do at your parents home because they have the equipment, etc.
You are not alone. It might feel like you are carrying a burden that most people do not have, but that’s not the case.
Is it Friday yet?
Don’t know if you’re reading this but I’d probably stay at the their house. There is a reason that you went over there in the first place – right? Think of it as a time to get closer to your family. In the spirit of enjoying family time, I’d just lie or exaggerate about how much work I’m doing in order to get them to back off. For example, if I was on my laptop and they were in the same room, I’d say I was reviewing documents or something while reading blogs(it’s kinda true). They’re nosy and micromanage-y but it’s coming from a good place. I totally get that it’s annoying but it’s somewhat easy to remedy and there is value in being with your family during a time like this.
Ashburn VA
Food/drink recommendations, please – near Ashburn VA.
My BIL is getting married in a courthouse ceremony (no family or friends can attend) at the end of next week. The couple plans to celebrate with family/friends after pandemic (crossing fingers for 1-2 years from now).
I want to send something for them to enjoy after their ceremony. I just spent an hour on Goldbelly, aimlessly searching but not sure what I was searching for (a cake? a lobster meal for two?).
Any recs for something yummy relatively local to that area? Or a florist that can add a bottle of champagne or wine to a bouquet? This is separate from the gift I’ll send.
Anonymous
Do you know what they’re doing for themselves if anything? I wouldn’t want to order a cake only to find that the one thing they splurged on was getting a cake delivered to them. So if you’re going to do cake, ask. IDK why but I’d do dessert themed anyway. I’m thinking like trays of baklava or something festive like that (grain of salt – I’m middle eastern, I’m not suggesting everyone thinks it’s festive) because it’s something they can eat over days even if they’ve gotten cake. You could do dinner for that night + desserts. Or a more “traditional” gift for the home — like art or something if you know their taste or maybe something incorporating the date. Or flowers + champagne.
anon.
Can you send breakfast instead? If so, you have so many options – Russ & Daughters or Zabars if they like bagels and lox, any nationally shipping bakery, any local bakery… That could work well and also be special.
Katie
Champagne. Two bottles – one for now, and one to enjoy on their first anniversary.
Anon
I’m revamping my skincare and thinking I need to add an eye cream. I know you can use face products on your eyes but my eye skin does seem to be different than the rest of my skin- thinner and drier.
I have fine lines under the eyes and some mild flakiness on my kids (not a medical problem, i see an Opthamologist regularly) and the flakiness on my kids can sometimes interfere with makeup.
What are your favorite eye products?
Airplane.
My routine right now is Hylamide subQ eye serum then ceraVe eye repair cream. Remember to use your ring finger (gentlest finger) to apply. Also, per Caroline Hirons, eye products first, everything else afterwards. Applying your eye products last is like wearing knickers over your trousers. For eyes I always pick a high strength serum (looking for peptides, caffeine) then a cream on top. More expensive does not mean better – the 2 I listed are budget friendly.
Anon
Thanks! Do you put either of these on the upper lid?
Airplane.
Yes both.
Vicky Austin
I have similar undereye skin to you – my eyes are very much plagued by my allergies and a lifetime of rubbing them vigorously gave me serious undereye wrinkles in my early 20s. This one keeps my skin happy and the wrinkles look much better after a few years (though that may be luck): https://www.ulta.com/nourishing-eye-cream?productId=xlsImpprod13762023
Anon
Thanks! I appreciate the reasonably priced suggestions. I really though I was opening myself up for a “you must buy this $185 cream” here. :)
Thanks, it has pockets!
I’ve been using a sample of IT Cosmetics’ “confidence in an eye cream” product, and when the sample is empty I might actually buy it! It feels great on the skin around my eyes and I really do think it’s made a difference.
House Hunting
Any advice for buying a first house in this crazy seller’s market? Feeling very discouraged after having lost offers for various reasons, so there’s not one thing to “fix” like simply offering more money. On top of that, it seems people are willing to pay way way beyond what a house is worth or will appraise for just to get it – which just seems unwise to me. Any wisdom? Commiseration?
Anonymous
It’s worth what someone will pay for it!
Anon
I was going to say this too. OP you need to reframe what you think something is worth. Anything is worth what someone is willing to pay for it. OP do you know factually that the appraisals are coming in below the sold prices lately?
Took us 6 offers to get our last house 6 years ago. It was really frustrating and emotional. We just learned to reset some expectations, and identify some features that we noticed made some homes go for WAY more that weren’t important to us, and avoided those accordingly. And just persistence. Not sure what finally allowed us to get the 6th house vs the others. If it helps to know, in our specific case with 20/20 vision I liked the house we ended up with way more than some of the ones we were sad to have lost out on, so it’s funny how sometimes things just work out – but I know that isn’t always going to be the case for everyone.
What are your thoughts on contingencies? I know waiving those can be scary and certainly not appropriate for everyone/every house, but have deep convos with your realtor or lender to see which you could maybe safely waive if you aren’t already, what the worst case risks are with certain ones of them, etc.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I would save my $$ and wait to buy until the market turns.
Anon
This is what I’m doing. I deeply hate at least 9/10 houses I see, so I will probably be one of the buyers who overpays to get the one I want someday, but I’m willing to wait for now.
Anon
I could have written this post. I commiserate. I am over it as well. Today, DH and I discussed waiting it out until the market turns – not ideal (can’t stand apartment living any longer) but doable. In my area (northern new jersey) buyers are now turning their attention to properties that need work/remodeling and just about anything that will get them out of their current situation (termites, leaking underground oil tanks, substantial structure work).
Yes, buyers will pay stupid money well over what the house is worth. We came close to making three offers last week, but each time we couldn’t do it. Not comfortable waiving appraisal contingency entirely.
Stick with your gut. Repeat “this is a financial transaction” multiple times and try not to get sucked into the real estate industrial complex.