ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 320 Comments

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Print Scuba Knit Sheath Dress

·
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Maggy London Print Scuba Knit Sheath DressHappy Wednesday! I love the scribble pattern on this fitted dress, and I always think a sweetheart neckline is flattering. I like the dress by itself, but I also think it might be interesting with a thin turtleneck layered beneath it, or perhaps even worn with a blazer, with the dress belted with a colorful skinny belt. The dress is $118 (limited sizes only, alas). Maggy London Print Scuba Knit Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

320 Comments

  1. So last night I got an email from a student cultural affinity organization at my undergrad alma matter inviting me to a networking reception for undergrads and professional alums (the email was written by an undergrad). It struck me as odd, though, that the reception appeared to be primarily targeted at students who are members of this particular cultural group, and I am not a member of that group (and my name gives no indication whatsoever that I would be). This is not an underrepresented minority group either. I can’t put my finger on exactly what bothers me about it – maybe that’s it’s sort of trying to carve out a special opportunity for a group that doesn’t traditionally face barriers to entry into professional fields? I’m not sure. Just interested in a gut check to see if my feelings are off-base.

    1. this reminds me of the time in law school where (I heard this secondhand as I am neither Jewish nor a member of JLSA) a 1L urged other JLSA members, in an email thread, to socialize as a group more because, as Jews, they were underrepresented in the legal field and needed to support each other. And this was said with no trace of irony.

      1. Why should it be said with irony? It’s not all that long ago that being a Jew was a bar to partnership in lots of major firms.

        2. I don’t think she was saying that the need to support/socialize with each other should have been ironic, but only that Jews are underrepresented in the legal field. That is objectively false.

          1. It depends on what you mean by underrepresented. Jews are a very small minority in this country. So, they would be underrepresented in any field. As compared to the number of Jews, I don’t know how it breaks down in the legal field. But, I think the notion that there are tons and tons of Jews in the legal field is incorrect (and vaguely anti-Semitic) because there couldn’t be, given the tiny number of Jews in the overall population.

          2. Jews are about 2% of the American population. I’m pretty sure they do not constitute fewer than 2% of lawyers in this country. They are not underrepresented, and they certainly were not underrepresented in my law school or in my city.

          3. LilyB is correct- the term ‘underrepresented’ would mean that if you’re population is say 10%, only 3% of lawyers are of that group.

          4. No one said anything about there being “tons and tons” of Jews in the legal field – it’s all about proportion compared to the general population. There is no way that Jews constitute less than 2% of all lawyers in the country. Therefore, they are not underrepresented. FWIW, I’m Jewish, and I’d estimate roughly 35-40% of the adults in my synagouge are lawyers.

          5. What makes you “pretty sure?” They may not make up fewer than 2% of the lawyers in your large east coast city, but they probably make up fewer than 2% of the lawyers in Tennessee. Or Montana.

            Anyway, 2% is still a small number, so I see no problem with calling them underrepresented in any field. And, as someone pointed out, it was not that long ago that they were completely shut out of certain firms, certain positions and certain schools.

          6. Without getting into how many are in the field, just because something is a small number does not make them underrepresented. If 2% of the lawyers in the US are jewish, that makes them exactly represented. You can’t call them underrepresented in any field if the percentage is the same or higher than their actual percentage of the countries makeup.

          7. So I did a little quick googling and was unable to find any reliable statistics about the percentage of lawyers in the country who are Jewish. I was, however, dismayed to find that the number one search result appeared to be a conspiracy-theory-type page about how the Jews are taking over America.

            *sigh*

        3. Definitely don’t dispute that, I was more amazed at the “underrepresented” comment, especially given the makeup of our student body.

      2. As a Jew in the South who is a lawyer, I can tell you that Jews are underrepresented in the field, at least in our market. I’m the only one at my current office (of 20-some lawyers) and was the one of 3 at the Court I worked at before (of about 70 employees).

        1. well, the % of Jews in the deep south states ranges from .1 to 1.3% of the total state population, so I would say that 1 Jewish lawyer in a firm of 20 or 3 out of 70 is not underrepresention.

          2. LilyB, I would suggest you drop this subject now before you dig yourself into an awkward position.

          3. Actually, I spend a lot of time studying underrepresented students and flailing in anger about people minimizing their experiences in various ways (i.e., my entire thesis and future career is based around fixing problems of underrepresentation). This is not something I have a mere passing interest in, and LilyB is right. You cannot be underrepresented unless your group occupies a smaller niche in a field, than would be predicted based on your percentage of the population. There simply being a small number of lawyers of a certain religion or ethnicity does not equal being underrepresented.

            To pick an easy example, underrepresentation is something like the fraction of CEOs of Fortune 500 companies who are women. Women are roughly 50% of the population, but men, despite being the other rough 50% of that same population, occupy the overwhelming majority of those positions. The same goes for race in college completion rates, in incarcerated populations, and so on. I don’t study religion or how it plays out in terms of legal hiring decisions, so I can’t comment specifically on LilyB’s numbers, but based on anecdotal experience in my upper-South state, I would be very surprised if Jews were underrepresented in the field of law. This is not to excuse or minimize Jewish experiences of persecution, which are very real; I just don’t like seeing LilyB being jumped all over, for her correct use of a term that I’ve spent a lot of time working with.

          4. Actually, I would suggest that we should perhaps all back away from the following things:
            1) Counting Jews
            2) Invoking stereotypes about Jews
            3) Getting defensive and weirdly numbers-focused when people challenge the above 2.

            I understand that underrepresentation is an important issue for you and you’re trying to clarify the language used. People minimizing historical and current anti-Semitism is an issue for me, so I’d like to see this whole inappropriate discussion end right here.

          5. I am sorry, but because you think the topic is inappropriate, does not make it inappropriate.
            On the other hand, I find it very inappropriate to jump on someone rationally arguing about the definition of underrepresentation, and how it relates to Jews in law.

          6. Marilla no one is invoking stereotypes. People are getting weirdly numbers focused because you cant just say “Its a small number! that means underrepresented” when it clearly does not.

      3. The intent was to communicate that Jews are a minority in the legal profession, rather than that they are underrepresented. Poor word choice on the part of JLSA. But your language is nice and clear: too many Jews for your taste.

        1. um, no, and please do not put words in my mouth. I found the comment from the person on the JLSA email thread to be somewhat annoying/offensive because there actually are minority groups for which underrepresentation is a big problem, stemming from discrimination in hiring and lack of educational opportunities. while it’s absolutely true that Jews have faced pervasive discrimination at white shoe-type law firms in the not-so-distant past, that is a different problem than being generally underrepresented compared to your overall share of the population, which suggests a systematic exclusion of a minority group from a powerful profession.

          not that I should have to say this, but while I do not personally identify as Jewish, half of my family is Jewish. to suggest that I am somehow anti-semitic because I found the girl’s comment to be false and mildly offensive is just absurd.

          1. “They are not underrepresented, and they certainly were not underrepresented in my law school or in my city”

            Um, yes. Your words did suggest that there are far too many for your taste. You may not have meant that, but the use of the word “certainly” conveys something to the reader.

            I understand the temptation to be defensive, but there are several people on here today who felt that your words conveyed a certain meaning and idea that was offensive and anti-Semitic. So, instead of being defensive, perhaps examine your own attitudes, or at the very least, your choice of words?

          2. the “certainly” was meant to convey exactly that- that I am certain they are not underrepresented in my law school/city/ both of which I am very familiar with. which highlights how absurd the girl’s comment was.

            if I am being defensive, it’s because I’m being accused of anti-semitism. Sorry, but that’s a natural reaction. my attitudes are just fine, thanks.

    2. Are you sure the org isn’t just doing an open invitation? Most of the affinity groups at my alma mater had an everyone-is-welcome policy at all of their social and professional events.

    3. So, for example, a cultural affinity group for students of Scottish descent, your name is German? I don’t see that as terribly different than all the group up Scottish social clubs in my area. Students get together and celebrate their culture, thrown on a kilt, eat some haggis, and do some networking? Doesn’t strike me as off, just like a sorority networking really. It seems they haven’t targeted their invite very well, but if they aren’t from a underrepresented group, the alumni office likely isn’t providing a very specific list for them to reach out to, so in the interest of not missing people they have been over inclusive.

    4. Did they maybe send you the invite by mistake? I’d say don’t go- not because you dislike/have a problem with/whatever this particular group, but just because it might be kind of weird. If a non Jew went to some Jewish professional event I’d find it odd. I mean, they are welcome, but it is odd.

      1. I’d say this is true unless they came as a guest of a group member. For example, I would go to an open meeting of an affinity group if a friend of mine invited me without hesitation. I’m just not sure I’d show up alone, unless lots of my friends were members and I knew I’d be welcome.

    5. Unless this email was directed towards white christian straight men, then I think its safe to say that everyone else has faced some form of bias from time to time, obviously to varying degrees and changing over time, and you should probably not get your knickers in a twist about this group.

      2. It’s not so much that I’m faulting them for emailing me, I just thought it was odd. You’re right that every group faces its own challenges, but if I’m not a member of that group, I can’t speak to the bias faced by that group. The only benefit I can offer are networking connections, which are helpful when it’s an underrepresented group, since that is one of the challenges they face. But I feel odd that it’s a networking opportunity targeted at a specific group to which I do not belong and that does not really need more help networking than the typical undergrad. As I said though, I’m not sure whether this is unusual or strange, so I wanted to hear others’ thoughts.

        To answer others’ questions, perhaps it’s possible it was sent by mistake, it’s just a very weird mistake since my name is very ethnic but of a totally unrelated ethnicity. I’m sure the reception is technically open to everyone but the email I got made it clear that it was targeted at the members of the group (the student said the purpose of their networking series was to promote “unity and bonding” within their cultural group). Again, I’m not angry or even really offended, was just looking for feedback.

        2. I don’t know what group this is, but what, exactly, is wrong with “unity” and “bonding” within this group? Unless it is the Klan or Hamas, what is wrong with unity and bonding? Cheesy? Maybe. Offensive or wrong? No.

          1. There isn’t anything wrong with it, nor did I suggest that it was offensive or wrong. Just that I don’t have anything to add to that goal, as I am not a member of that group.

          2. You are being incredibly offensive by lumping Hamas with the evilness you call “Klan.”

        3. BTW- Not unusual or strange. Muslims outnumber Jews by the millions, and I don’t find Muslim student groups “unusual or strange”. Same for Catholics. And Protestants. And Latinos. And golf enthusiasts. And SCUBA divers. And Persians. And whatever.

          1. Please re-read my comment. I was not calling the existence of the group strange, or the fact that they were having a networking reception. I said I felt it was strange that they invited me to their networking reception when I’m not a member of the group.

          2. Right. It was probably mistake. So ignore it. And move on. Like I’m doing right now.

          3. At SCUBA related affinity group meetings, do you wear Scuba knit cocktail dresses?

            [Sorry – just trying to bring some levity to a conversation that seems to be getting heated.]

          4. Brilliant! But someone will have to invent swim fins with 3″ heels, because IMHO flat swim fins are insufficiently dressy, even if you additionally accessorize with a blinged-up mask and snorkel.

        4. This stuff happens. When a distinct group tries to gather its members it’s very hard for the net not to bring in a few non-members. A generation or two back, when there were fewer marriages between Jews and non-Jews, it was easier to suss out who was “in” (think of last names such as Levy, Goldberg, Wasserstein) or “out” (think McGreavy, Washington, Fischetti, Kim, Chan…).

          Nowadays many more people marry into religions not already in their families and these marriages are much more accepted on both sides of the line (FYI very traditional religious Jews would mourn as though dead a child who “marries out” and then would not have any more contact with that child, the child-in-law, or their children). There are also fewer formal/institutional barriers to keep Jews and non-Jews apart. Years ago there were covenants not to sell real estate to Jews, quotas to limit Jews’ acceptance into colleges, graduate schools, and medical training programs, and plenty of social clubs who did not want to admit Jews as members. In addition there are more people born and raised outside the Jewish community who convert to Judaism as adults.

          I’m not saying if this is wrong or right. It’s just the way it is for many Jews. Historically the Jewish people have been intensely invested in maintaining and passing on our complicated religious / ethnic / literary / artistic / musical / culinary / etc. heritage. Since Jews have lived in many different locations over time, by now we have a pretty extensive set of baggage ranging from Talmudic scholarship to Sephardic recipes to Klezmer music. I personally enjoy being Jewish and want this culture to continue, but that’s because I want to continue something I see as positive rather than because I see non-Jewish people or traditions as inferior.

          About 23 years ago, the comic strip “Jump Start” (adventures of Joe and Marcy, an African-American cop and nurse based in either Philadelphia or some other large east-coast city) addressed this issue very well. Joe and his partner, Crunchy (European-American) are walking their beat when they pass a black man wearing a t-shirt with the message “It’s a Black Thing. You Wouldn’t Understand.” Crunchy says to Joe, “I have a problem with t-shirts like that.” Normally Joe and Crunchy get along pretty well, but this time Joe looks perplexed and ready to get offended as he questions Crunchy’s statement.

          In the next panels of the comic strip, Joe and Crunchy keep walking…and they encounter three more people wearing similar t-shirts. I don’t recall them exactly, so let’s say they pass three people with shirts saying It’s an Irish Thing, It’s a Muslim Thing, It’s a Womens’ Thing…whatever; insert any groups you like. The point is that by the last panel Joe starts to look horrified because he sees society as breaking down into all of these separate communities.

          Now, I know that such fragmentation is generally not the point of any of these t-shirts! People are just trying to combine a sense of humor with pride in their heritage. The Society of Women Engineers, Jewish Law Students Club, or whatever are trying to do the same thing.

          Egad, this site is keeping me from getting other things accomplished! I hope this helps, or amuses, but doesn’t facilitate procrastination for anyone else.

          1. This is really helpful. Silvercurls, I always appreciate your perspective and I’m glad you post these big, thoughtful posts.

  2. I’ve been seeing this “scuba knit” around a bunch and I’m not sure what it is – though I can’t quite shake the idea that it is a knit that is good for scuba diving in. Can anyone give me a description of what a scuba knit is? Perhaps in the most hilarious way possible as I’m having a sh*t week.

    1. I’ll join you in the “having a bad week” and “not knowing what scuba knit is” groups.

      Pretty dress, but I can’t see it with a turtleneck and otherwise it looks too low for anyone big of chest.

    2. I can’t come up with something funny, but I have no idea what scuba is. I have a “scuba” leather jacket from about 5 years ago and I don’t know what about it makes it scuba.

      The only funny thing now is that the word scuba sounds hilarious to me after writing it four times.

      1. Also, sorry you are having a sh@#$ week. And I do love this dress and want to wear it with a thin black longsleeve top under it, but its sold out in my size.

    3. This is one of those weird industry terms that really should never make its way into consumer marketing.

      Scuba is a knit similar to ponte, but somewhat heavier/more structured and may have some spandex content. It may also have a subtle ribbed texture.

      1. Thank you! I have also been wondering this for a while. (And am also having a sh*t week: thanks, professor, for emailing me at 8:25 last night to contradict the instructions you gave me at noon yesterday, and triple the amount of work I have to turn in at 3 today.)

      2. Totally agree it should not be used in marketing– I won’t buy it online because I immediately think of a thick, stiff, foamy material. I would have to see it in person to get over that, but unfortunately I NEVER go to real stores anymore, and when I do, they don’t usually have a big sign that says stuff like “this is scuba material right here.”

          1. I totally envision the same thing. It’s not a term that appeals to be unless…well, unless I was in the market for a wetsuit.

          3. I imagine it as an extra-puffy wetsuit. Yup, really makes me want to look like I’m wearing a marshmallow to work.

    5. TCFKAG: It is called scuba because when you wear it, every man you pass will notice you, turn his head as you stride past, and call out “scuba dooba do, that girl is HOT.”

      Sorry, that’s the best I could come up with. I have no idea what it means.

    6. I don’t know where or why that name has come about. I do know that the Loft Scuba skirts are the absolute best things in the entire fashion world and I can’t get enough of them.

      1. They have jackets in the same material now as well. There is a huge sale going on today, too. 50 percent off with code take50. Um, not that I was just checking it out.

    7. The North American Wife Carrying Championships are this weekend in Bethel, Maine. Definitely a must-see!!!

      1. I want to see one of those wives in a scuba dress or skirt. I think it would shed the water/mud that are often on some of those courses. It might also make the carrying part easier…don’t you think?

    8. Someone seriously needs to explain what this knit has to do with Self-Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus.

      Co-signing having the week from hell.

  3. So I had to cancel my trip to Glacier National Park, as the shutdown doesn’t look like it will let up in time. However, I’ve decided to do a 10-day driving vacation along the Maine coastline, since I’ve never been. Have you? Any advice or favorite places? I’ll be staying in Portland and Bar Harbor at the very least. Many thanks!

    1. My advice: high tail it to Nova Scotia, where the scenery is more spectacular, lodging is cheaper, and the National Parks aren’t closed. I imagine closing Acadia makes a big image to enjoying a trip to Bar Harbir.

      1. Also, for places to eat etc.:

        – Take Rte 295 up from Portland and hit Freeport and the outlets, and the LL Bean store. I would skip the outlets in Kittery, they are not as good. I also like Bridgham & Cook in Freeport for tea and other British goods.

        – Bob’s Clam Hut in Kittery (right over the border), best fried clams!
        – In Portland: Hugo’s, Duckfat, and Fore Street
        – Primo in Rockland – very fancy
        – Havana in Bar Harbor – Cuban food (fancy) and great mojitos
        – Reel Pizza – if you want to watch a movie in Bar Harbor, with pizza!
        – Ben & Bill’s chocolate shop in Bar Harbor – for awesome chocolate, candy and ice cream

        1. Thank you so much, this is incredibly helpful!

          I do hope to make it to Nova Scotia very much, but I’m thinking I may want to devote a lot more time to seeing it + PEI in a separate trip.

          1. There’s a great deal on RueLaLa today for two excellent Portland hotels if you don’t already have your accommodations sealed (I’m particular to the Danforth). And I’ll throw in Eventide and Pai Men Miyake for good eats in Portland, along with those already mentioned. Holy Donuts is also worth popping by.

          2. Feel free to email me at dianabarry r e t t e at gmail if you have more questions. I have friends who are still in the area if you have questions about specific places! :)

    3. I’m sorry you had to cancel your trip. Please come visit Glacier another autumn; it is spectacular.

    4. Check out Damariscotta and the Pemiquid pennisula. My sense is that most of the restaurants on the pennisula shut down after Columbus Day weekend, but there are many year round places in Damariscotta itself. I’m partial to King Eiders Pub, myself. The drive down the pennisula is very pretty, and, along with a beautiful lighthouse, there’s a historic fort/early 1600s European settlement at the tip. There’s a ferry to Monhegan island, but I’m not sure if the October schedule works out to enable a day trip.

    6. SHOP IN FREEPORT! I just got the best cable knit fleece blanket in the WORLD at the LL Bean outlet and a really, really great deal on a pair of Cole Haan nude for me shoes. Also there’s a great Brooks Brothers and Talbots outlet. Plus other fun accessories (Coach for one) and tons of great men’s stores (its a great place to robe your husband.)

    7. I totally disagree with Anne Shirley that Maine isn’t worth visiting if Acadia is closed – I love Acadia but there’s so much more to the state (and in my biased opinion, its just as scenic, if not moreso than Nova Scotia!) Portland & the mid-coast are wonderful (especially this time of year). Also, unlike a lot of National Parks, a big part of Acadia is accessible even when the gates are closed. Here’s an article that describes some of what you can still see in Acadia as well as other stuff to do in the area:
      http://bangordailynews.com/2013/10/04/outdoors/plan-b-other-things-to-do-near-acadia-during-the-shutdown/

      As others have said, Bar Harbor’s a very cute town and there’s a lot to do there that doesn’t involve driving into Acadia (whale-watching, sailing, kayaking, stuffing your face with lobster and blueberries etc). I second the rec for Ben & Bill’s in BH as well as Jordan’s for blueberry pancakes & Trenton Bridge Lobster Pound (just over the bridge in Trenton) for lobster.

      You can easily fill 10 days on the Maine coast, but if you’re looking for other things to do, Mt. Katahdin, Baxter St Park and the Moosehead Lakes region are also beautiful.

    8. In lieu of the outlets, try Marden’s (http://mardens.com/), and Reny’s (http://www.renys.com/), both are Maine based chains with truly electic merchandise. Marden’s focuses on surplus and salvage and can have anything from Chanel and Gucci to hot tubs and feed seed.

    9. Thank you, everyone! This is wonderful. I go to Montana every year, and I’m now really looking forward to seeing Maine for the first time. I have a great long list now. Many thanks!

  4. Now that the weather is getting colder I would love to gather your tips for staying healthy (eating well and exercising) through the winter. It’s always so much easier for me in the summer, when produce is fresh and it’s so nice to spend time being active outdoors. Once the temps drop, I just want to curl up on my couch with a blanket and fresh baked cookies.

    I remember a nutritionist once told me that oftentimes when we think we’re hungry in the winter, our body is actually just signaling that it is cold. If i get home to cravings (which for me are always for something sweet and doughy!) I hop in a quick shower with a showercap to warm myself up and then have a mug of hot water with a little lemon and cayenne for a kick. Then if after both of those, I still want me treat, I indulge. But usually I’m over it once I have my warm mug in my hands! I’d love some more of your handy tricks!

    1. The only tip I have is with regard to exercise, but remember that as cold as you are when you first start, a couple of minutes of hard exercise will warm you right up. I sweat quite a bit running in the winter cold.

      As far as eating, I love stews and soups in the winter. You can throw a whole bunch of veggies and meat in a slow cooker and have a fantastic, hot and delicious meal ready when you get home.

      1. +1 Both my slow cooker and my dutch oven have been getting a work-out since the weather changed. My freezer is slowing filling up with good things to heat up later on. Maybe it’s my inner cavewoman coming out, but I do love seeing lots of food stocked up for the winter! (Sadly I don’t think Mr. is going hunting this fall, so no freezer full of meat this year.)

    2. Agreed that soup is one of the best things to eat in the winter that can be good for you. And hot herbal tea (vanilla rooibos if my favorite) but I always want biscotti with that. I have a treadmill that fold up in my livingroom so I can exercise despite whatever the weather throws at me. Or I throw on a hoodie and go to the gym.

      1. It is so cute that you can throw on a hoddie and head to the gym :). I usually add extra pants, a parka, a hat, scarf, and gloves.

        2. LOL. Yeah, well even if it’s fairly cold (for here) I never put more than a hoodie over my regular gym clothes (bike shorts, sports bra, tank). I’m just going from my car into the gym. But this goes way back for me – when I worked at Hershey Park during college, our uniform long pants were soooo ugly that we wore shorts even into the fall with multiple layers (t-shirt, uniform shirt, sweatshirt, windbreaker) on top. My legs don’t get as cold!

          1. I worked at hersheypark in highschool! And the pants were horrible. They were so tight in the waist and so baggy in the butt/hips.

          2. Our shorts were actually pretty cute – navy with khaki piping. The pants were a weirdly different shade of navy and they were old lady pants – baggy with elastic waist.

    3. Tea! I love herbal teas, and sipping them will keep you hydrated constantly, and the flavors keep me from craving sweets. If you look into brands like Traditional Medicinals and Yogi, there’s some that have high amounts of Vitamin C and echinachea, which is great for winter colds. While I doubt its efficacy as a weight-loss supplement, the “Weightless Cranberry” flavor of Yogi tea is just naturally sweet and tart enough to be really interesting and pleasant.

      Also, if your place is really cold and dry in the winter, look into a humidifier. The additional moisture keeps heat in the air, and the additional humidity allows for better sleep (which also gives you more energy and decreases false hunger).

      1. Yes to tea! I get cold easily and find that often leads to mindless grazing. A mug of tea (especially peppermint) is much more comforting :)

      2. I second the soup thing! In the winter, my mother makes VERY HARDY beef and chicken soup’s that she freeze’s for me and I take them home on the train and defrost LATER. That is how I stay healthy in the winter b/c there are SO many peeople who are disgusting b/c they sneeze all over the place, then wipe there hand’s on public places, and the subway’s are full of germ’s ALSO.

        I decided to stay OUT of the fray up top with peeople getting into RELIGIOUS discussion’s. FOOEY! I did want to report that my Uncle Igor (actualy my GREAT UNCLE) is comeing to visit Grandma Leyeh with his son Oleg. They live in Europe, in Budapest, and mom thought it would be a good idea if I showed OLEG around NYC. He is 22 year’s old. I do NOT know what a 22 year old from Budapest would like to see, so MABYE the HIVE can suggest thing’s? I thought the Statute of Liberty, but they might not be open b/c of the SEQUESTER. I also thought the Circle Line could be fun.

        Myrna want’s to come with us, and I see no harm, b/c he is to young for either of us. The manageing partner is giveing me 3 day’s off to take him around town. Mabye he will want to see a MUSEUM, and if he does I LOVE THE DINASOUR’S at the History Museaum, even tho it is on the WEST SIDE, and I perfer the EAST SIDE. TO bad there are no DINASOUR’s at the MET (are there)? Whatever, I will go to the West Side, but will ask OLEG to make sure. Anyway, 3 day’s off will be fun. YAY!!!!!

      3. Do you worry about staining teeth? I would be a huge tea drinker, but I’m worried that it’s really hard on your mouth. Do you think green teas are any less harsh?

        1. Herbal teas don’t have any tannins, so you’re safe with those. Green tea probably has less to no staining, but if you’re really worried about it, just go ahead and rinse out your mouth with water after you drink it, and that should take care of it.

        2. Yes herbal teas are different than black teas. There are many delicious herbal teas, and they won’t stain teeth like coffee or black tea. I have a box on my desk at work with an assortment of tea bags, I have mint, ginger, hibiscus, a camomile/lavender, and Bengal Spice, an herbal spice tea. I get a lot of herbal teas and white teas (very little caffeine) at Trader Joes where they are pretty cheap, since i drink them a lot in the afternoons.

    4. This may sound weird, but last winter (Nov-March) DH & I ate a ton of fresh garlic. We made large roasts frequently (2-3x/month) and loaded them with fresh garlic. We stayed insanely healthy last winter. FWIW, the previous winter, we both had bronchitis and then I got the flu. It was miserable. Also, any morning that I feel a tickle in my throat, I have an Airborne. (Obviously I won’t be able to do this now that I’m pregnant!)

      As far as exercising… well, I love to ski. So I have no idea what I’m going to do this winter! (It seems to me that a pregnant lady due in Feb shouldn’t be skiing, but if anyone disagrees, I’d love to ski!)

      1. Share your roast recipes (even if it’s just a short descrip in a comment response)? I’d love to make garlic-filled roasts!

        1. In Louisiana, the meat is studded with garlic – you cut the garlic into slivers, then slits in the meat, and stuff the garlic in. There’s a Cajun word for it but I’ve only heard it said in conversation (like PEE-kay).

          3. Thanks, Ada. I thought that’s what it was, but I couldn’t confirm it by googling it. My ex-boyfriend’s Cajun stepmother used to do it and it was soooo good.

        2. I do this with pork tenderloin and it is amazing. Also, the leftovers make outrageous Cuban sandwiches.

      2. I snowboard, and I’m also due in February. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with doing either, but I think that falling would not be a good thing. So, I am going to hold off based solely on the fear of a bad fall. But, I have read about pregnant women who have skied.

        (I’m running, but have decided I will stop when its snowy and icy for the same reason. The risk of falling is higher.)

      3. I was also due in Feb (years ago) and didn’t ski that winter. However, I highly recommend snowshoeing! Our tiny ski hill allows snowshoeing up the side of the slope, which is a tremendous workout, or you can find a local park as well. Decent snowshoes are not that expensive at REI or LLBean, and they are great for post-pregnancy as well.

        1. My physics teacher used to swear up and down that when pregnant woman complained about their back hurting, that if they wore snowshoes it would alleviate it because of the way snowshoes change how you balance. He used to try to convince his pregnant wife to wear them around the house.

          1. I truly love physicists. This sounds exactly like the kind of totally-logical-but-totally-offbeat thing my husband would suggest.

      4. You can ski cross country! I’d stay away from downhill, though (I found out I was pregnant in Feb of last year, had a ski trip planned for March [at 15 weeks] and my dr suggested I cancel/ take it really, really easy). I am a fairly aggressive skiier but between the dr’s suggestion and the weight I had already gained, I skipped it. Plus, the other awesome parts of skiing are the hot tubs and beer…both of which I couldn’t partake in. :(

        I did xc in local state parks for all of Feb/March this year, which was great.

      5. You know you’re wasting your money on Airborne, right? They paid $23.3 million to the FDA for false advertising claims that Airborne prevented colds. It does nothing but relieve you of the money in your wallet.

    5. I’ve already busted out my slow cooker and used it to make a lentil soup (with potatoes, carrots, and kale) and my not-terribly-healthy-but-oh-so-comforting brisket recipe. I heart slow cookers. All week I’ve looked forward to a hot bowl of soup at the end of a long day. Kat posted a Moroccan Lentil Chicken recipe that I’ve also really liked (but I add yellow raisins and dried apricots, yum!). And veggie chili makes my week–I make mine with bulgar and top with sharp cheddar.

      So I suppose my strategy is lots of hearty veggie dishes (especially soups and chilis).

    6. Hot yoga, it’s like an oasis of warmth in what seems like a never-ending winter. I also do a ton of soups- I make mine, because not all soups are healthy, some are faking it. I atctually made a delightful one on the weekend that was basically a piperade with extra tomatoes and some chickpeas, all pureed into a soup, it will become a go-to this winter. And lots of tea (mostly from David’s, because they are amazing).

      Activity wise, my plan is to sign up for a few races throughout the winter (maybe a New Years Day run, and another in early Feb, and early April?), so that I have to keep running, with the aim of at least twice a week outside and another treadmill run, but being allowed to resort to the treadmill for all running if it’s below -10C or too icy. Oh, and I guess some outdoor winter sports when the opportunities present themslves, skiing, skating, snowshoeing, etc.

      I’ve found a big part of staying healthy over the winter is simply getting enough vegetables, not eating tons of heavy starches in an attempt to warm myself up, and having the right gear to not be deterred by the weather.

    7. I do my best to keep up my exercise routines. I live in Canada, so it gets cold & snowy, and I’m an outdoor runner. I make sure I have the necessary tech gear to keep me warm enough, I also make sure the sidewalks on my route are clear before heading out, and when necessary I move my run to the treadmill at the gym. I’m slowly getting used to the treadmill. It’s not my favorite, though.

      We also ski as a family a few times per year, and I like to take my boys sledding. Pulling a sled up the hill is a great workout, not to mention sledding is FUN. I’m usually the only parent sledding with the kids, but I don’t care, and my 13yo doesn’t even mind! We also try to hit the indoor swimming pool a few times in the winter. My boys aren’t naturally active kids, so we make an effort to do active stuff as a family.

      I also try to eat more veggie soups, and chili can be pretty healthy, too. I make my own pasta sauce and add veggies to that, but try not to go overboard on the pasta.

      I also accept that I will probably gain a few pounds over the winter.

      1. CKB – I just want to say that I admire your approach to activities/athletics as a family. I’m not a parent yet, but SO and I are very active/athletic, and I admit that I’d be a bit stumped if my children don’t also have that drive. It’s really nice to see that you’ve found a way to make it a family affair and help model healthy, active lifestyles for them without being one of those parents that is pushing their children to participate in sports when, really, they’d rather be doing X Y or Z. It is definitely something for me to keep in mind.

        1. Thank you for this. Growing up I was a bookworm, and believed that if you didn’t play a team sport you weren’t athletic. Part of that was growing up in a small town & only playing team sports in gym, except for the dance & gymnastics units. It’s only been in the years since my youngest was born (8 years ago) that I realized myself that you don’t have to be an athlete to have an active lifestyle. So we hike, ride bikes, we even did the couch to 5k this summer as a family & ran a 5k race. Even though my boys don’t seem to be very athletically inclined, I want them to learn that they can still be active & healthy & do lots of fun things. And not only that, school comes easy to my boys, athletics doesn’t, so I was glad we did the C25K so they actually had to work through a challenge – it was very good for them.

  5. Can anyone comment on the fit of Dorothy Perkins jeans? I’m eyeing the wide leg black jeans, but my math skils in converting cm to inches on the size chart are failing me.

    1. I cannot comment on the fit of the jeans, but there are websites that calculate conversions. They’re really useful, as I have to regularly calculate people’s body mass index.

  6. Where do you ladies buy your everyday panties? I’m talking about the cotton ones, not the lady garden party anniversary night ones :)

    I need to replenish my supply and haven’t really bought new ones in several years. I don’t like the Target/other big box store ones I’ve bought because they seem to pill after just one wash. I’m fine paying up to $15 per pair if they’re good. My favorite were these VS ones I bought almost 10 years ago (yup!) which were made with really nice quality, thick cotton. I tried their stuff recently and it’s all cheap, thin cotton now. :(

    Bonus points if I can get cute colors/prints or buy online! Thanks!

    1. My main everyday ones are Hanky Panky, usually from the Nordstrom anniversary sale. But I recently decided I need full butt bikini ones that aren’t hideous, so I got a bunch of these and really like them. They’re cheap and I still just put them in the regular wash: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/dkny-signature-lace-bikini-3-for-30/3255957?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=Pacific+Blue%2F+Satin+Sheets&resultback=280&cm_sp=personalizedsort-_-browseresults-_-1_2_A

        1. Exactly, they are not the end all be all of undies, but at $5 each, I don’t mind replacing them annually.

      2. I just looked into this, and it looks like a really awesome option. How’s the back coverage on their bikini versions? It’s called “teeny bikini” so I’m not sure if it’ll end up riding up my umm…crack. I don’t like hipsters usually because they ride up on me in some weird way…might be my wide thighs.

      4. Chiming in to add that I also pick them up for the $2.99-$3.99 sale prices. For me, the bikinis stay in place but the boyshorts don’t. Once you find your preferred style & size, it’s easy to replenish as necessary.

    5. Following since I am super interested in this topic as well. I’m eyeing some Soma panties but I’m worried I won’t like them and I’ll be annoyed that I wasted my $$!

    6. I used to wear Gap until they redesigned the ones I wore and they became terrible. Now I really like DKNY.

      1. Same. I went on an epic underwear replacement quest during this past nordstrom anniversary sale and after trying on tens of pairs and purchasing the top five contenders for “field testing”, I like the DKNY hipsters the best. I sized up for more bum coverage, from a M to a large.

    7. I really like the Bliss by Natori lace ones from Nordstrom. They’re 3 for $45, which is pricey, so I try to stock up when they go on sale or get them during the Anniversary Sale.

    8. I’m Canadian but I like la senza for my every day stuff (and my special stuff also). I also like hanky panky but those are over your budget.

      1. I like La Senza too. Lots of cute prints and some of the styles are very comfy, and not too expensive. They have an online shop but not sure if it would ship to US.

    10. Used to buy gap hipsters, but my last installment fell apart weirdly fast. I got a bunch of the Shimera seamless hipsters from nordstrom and LOVE them. Bought during the NAS, but I think they have a volume discount.

    11. I find it hard to find all cotton with a nice, flat, waistband. I used to like the ones with the taller/wider elastic by Hanes Her Way. Now they’ve gone to that thin piece or the elastic with a scalloped edge.

      Just found an Italian line carried by Her Room dot com that I am liking. Calida.

      Great return service from them fwiw. ymmv of course.

      I too like hipsters; too much sitting (and my age) for me to realistically deal with skimpier items.

    3. I’m also having a bad week, but I just want the dress Kat posted. I want a closet full of dresses in interesting abstract patterns. and more boots. all.the.boots

    4. I am also having a sh*t week. I’m fearful, in fact, that I’m spiralling into a depression relapse. Trying to get hold of it before it gets worse. I haven’t felt like this in over 3 years.

      1. Nonny, I feel like you’re pregnant. Pregnancy depression is AS real as PPD. Definitely talk with your doctor at your next appointment. (I’m going to be doing the same thing.) apologies if my memory is wrong though!

        1. Thanks, preg 3L. Yes, you’re right. I’m trying to get a handle on this myself right now but if it’s still an issue by the time my next appointment comes round, I will bring it up for sure. I did some reading on pregnancy depression yesterday and am super scared because it can be an indicator of PPD as well, which I am really hoping to avoid.

          1. When I’m having a bad brain day, I feel the same way — that I should get a handle on the situation before asking for help. When I’m having a good brain day, I think that I should get help for problems! If any other organ sabotaged me the way my brain does, I would be in a hospital / getting medical help asap. Sure, diet and exercise help control all physical issues, but I am too concerned for my unborn baby girl to leave her health to chance (or at least to my bad brain days). Hugs Nonny!!

  8. Total TJ. I am actually starting to panic about the shutdown. I work for a weird sort of company that gets its money from the federal government, but isn’t part of the government or a private for profit. So where civilians have been called back to work, we are SOL and have only part of our normal funding and only for a month or so. I am “essential” for now, but I’m guessing I’ll be furloughed next week. The real kicker is that my husband works for the same company, but in a very different type of job. He’s taking vacation half the time for right now. Luckily he has 7 weeks of vacation, I have barely two– which freaks me out because we have vacations planned out through the spring. We have plenty of savings, good credit, and are in no “real” danger like so many people are, but it’s still scary with a mortgage, two car payments, and two kids. And of course the day before we found out, I bought two new couches and a giant rug from pottery barn. It makes me want to look for a new job, but after years of hating law firm life, I have the dream job– in house attorney with a five minute commute. Anyway, woe is me.

    1. Not all civilians have been called back; only DoD have been called back.

      Look into unemployment; we did instead of having to run through all PTO (not that much anyways) in the hopes that this ends by the end of the month and there are various medical appointments that we’ll have to go to. DH is confirmed not to get back pay so essentially we’re screwed as long as this thing continues.

      I keep saying I need a good drink, but I can’t afford one!

      1. Yea I know not all civilians were called back– DoD is part of our world at our company so it’s more visible to us. All the employees at our primary customer are back, and pretty much wondering why we aren’t fully funded. Again, I shouldn’t be bitching given that my circumstances aren’t as dire as other people. About unemployment, I feel like I shouldn’t file for it because of my position here– I know that sounds crazy. But I will have my husband do it. I’m not very good at *not* spending money but I’m trying. Still, I didn’t want to cancel for the Pink concert with my friends this weekend since I already committed ($$$$$ yikes), and my 10 year old’s birthday is still happening next month (who knew Medieval Times is freaking fortune?).

    2. {{hugs}} it is scary. I’m the main\only bread winner in my family and a furloughed fed.

      I did return a bunch of stuff I had purchased in the past 30 days to preserve that cash, it wasn’t much, a top from Target and a dress from Lands End, but every penny is important right now. I’m “lucky” in that we don’t live paycheck to paycheck, but I have college tuition for one child and orthodontist bills for the other as well as the mortgage, medical expenses and day to day living.

    3. I’m lucky in that we are WCF (DOD) so we are back for now but I reallyl feel for you… it’s very scary.

    4. Definitely look into unemployment – it’s for situations like this.

      I’m doing okay financially for now (and as a fed, it is looking somewhat likely we will get back pay), but I am really starting to panic about the debt ceiling fight. I am wondering if I should convert some portion of my investments (401k, Vanguard funds) to cash in anticipation of a big stock market crash. I probably have 20-25 more years to work, so maybe I can weather this. But I do wonder if it would be smart to sell some things now, then buy back after the crash.

      1. I thought about that, too– I have mutual funds in Vanguard, as well. But I think if you sell it has tax implications, right?

        1. I think you can take out your contributions from a Roth IRA without penalty (although it may have to sit in there for a certain period of time first).

  9. Add me to the sh!tty week list. I’m the Anon who posted a couple of weeks ago about a thyroid nodule that I was freaking me out. I ended up having a fine needle biopsy and got the results back yesterday…abnormal cell structures and suspicious for cancer, so it needs to come out. I’m waiting on a call now from the surgeon’s office to schedule an appointment. Thank you to everyone who chimed in with good vibes and advice, though…I really appreciated it.

    1. Best of luck! My understanding is that with surgery and monitoring, it can be one of the “easier” things to tackle. Continued good vibes going your way.

    2. I’m glad you got it checked out and am hoping for the very best for you, C,Esq. Please keep us posted!

    4. aww, I’m sorry!! also sending lots of hugs and healing thoughts. hope the surgery goes well and you kick it’s ass quickly!! come back if you ever want to vent about it more, we’re here

    5. Lots of good vibes going your way. Maybe the plus side is a need for great shorter statement jewelry and/or fab scarves for a bit?

      Hugs prayers and peace going your way.

    6. My husband just went through a thyroid cancer diagnosis & thyroidectomy over the summer. It was obviously a stressful/scary time for us, but his experience has been much smoother than I would have expected when he was first diagnosed. For him, it was only one night in the hospital and left him with a scar that’s already starting to fade. (A fellow patient of his surgeon’s, one year post-surgery, showed us that her scar that had healed so neatly you would only notice if you were looking for it.)

      For my husband, the absolute worst part was the low-iodine diet he had to do to prepare for follow-up treatment with radioactive iodine — but we found the free online cookbook from ThyCa (Thyroid Cancer Survivors’ Association) really helpful.

      So, lots more good vibes coming your way – and what I hope is also little reassurance that you can make it through this!

    7. So sorry to hear that. A cancer diagnosis is never a good or easy thing. My dad and husband have both had thyroid cancer (multiple times for my dad). I think they would both say that the worst part of it was difficulty speaking after surgery. Like anonymous said, it’s a pretty quick in and out of the hospital (my dad didn’t even stay overnight last time because he managed to get a 6 am surgery and fought to get discharged at like 11 pm) and the scarring isn’t that noticeable. My husband does have an issue with one of his vocal cords (affects his breathing during heavy exercise, not his talking or breathing while he’s sedentary), but they are both otherwise healthy. I wish you an easy surgery/treament and a speedy recovery!

  10. I want to join the sh*t week club, actually how about the sh*t last month – 6 weeks club. BUT, the Coach bag I’ve been eyeing on the outlet store website finally dropped to the price at which I said I could buy it — it only took about 6 months — so I bought it! Yay for retail therapy!

    1. Whoa! There’s a coach outlet store website? I couldn’t find it with the Googles, can you please post?

  11. One of my clients just sent an email mentioning she was on bedrest for a pregnancy. What should the correct response be? I want to say congratulations because I didn’t know she was pregnant, but also something about like hope everything goes well? that seems odd wording though

    1. Does it have any implications to the work you do/ will do? I’d keep it strictly professional, unless you happen to be very close to the client.

      If you do respond, I”d say something like “thanks for keeping me in the loop; best wishes for a healthy pregnancy.” Bed rest isn’t always permanent, so she may be “set free” at some point and return to work…or she may not. I doubt she knows.

    2. I would caveat the congratulations by saying “Congratulations on the pregnancy!” and then something thoughtful. My understanding is that bedrest is not especially dangerous but is incredibly boring.

      1. Being on bedrest is usually a sign that the pregnancy could be imperiled if the mother is up and about too much, with various levels of restriction. So it is not a great thing, aside from the boringness.

      2. Agree with Tesyaa. In some cases, it is not an indication of a huge problem and is merely boring, but it definitely indicates that something is not going well/not normal (and in some cases could be very dangerous).

        I would almost always say something like, “best wishes for a healthy pregnancy” and in most cases more, but I also have a lot of contact with my clients and talk about my and their kids, so likely have a more personal relationship that it sounds like the OP does.

    3. thanks all. I went with best wishes, and said that I would be thinking of her in November (we had a scheduled meeting at that time)

  12. threadjack:

    Any flat (or nearly flat) bootie/boot recommendations for wearing under dress pants? I have a few already but they don’t look GREAT with my pants and I’ll need some more/nicer ones if I’m going to survive winter.

  13. When you wear a dress with both a skinny belt at the waist and a cardigan, do you belt over the cardigan or under it?

    1. I just try both and pick whichever gives me a silhouette I prefer. Frequently under, I find my cardigans bunch too much when I belt over, and I sometimes like to take my cardigans off, which makes the belt over seem like too much of a pain.

    2. I usually wear the cardigan over the belt unless it’s a shorter, more close fitting one. The bunching drives me nuts otherwise.

      1. I’m the opposite. Longer cardigans go under the belt; short (hip length, eg Jackie) go over.

    3. I always have ideas about how I can belt it over the cardigan, but in practice it never looks like it does on the models in the J. C r e w catalogs. So although I like the look in theory, I always end up wearing my cardigans over the belt.

      1. What about a wider belt? I find the skinny belts do lead to bunching atop a cardi.

        I almost always wear my boden cardis with a belt on top … the secret – stretchy belts! Or a leather belt that is 1/2-3/4 wide.

        Then again, ymmv as I’m an extreme hourglass gal.

    4. I usually belt under the cardigan; I think it gives me a better shape. I’m with others in that if I want to take my cardigan off it’s easier with the belt under the cardigan, and also that it just never seems to look as good in person. (In my personal experience).

  14. Thanks to those who responded to my inquiry on advice on how to faciliate discussion at my book club! Appreciate it.

      1. +1. We also have a potluck dinner book club and try to bring foods vaguely related to the book we read. Although we do read fiction; this won’t work with Lean In. :)

  15. Joining the sh*t week club. I was due on Saturday and there is no baby in sight! Now I’m on maternity leave and grumpy, fat, and doing basically nothing but watching TV and trying to bribe the baby to come out. I may go for a 2nd pedicure in a 7 day span today. Because I can.

    Any ideas on what to do to keep busy/sane? I’ve already made a MILLION make-ahead meals that are sitting in the freezer, washed all baby clothes, house is clean, dog is brushed and groomed, bills are paid through the end of the month, I’m well rested (and still napping), hell, even the IRONING is done– and the ironing is NEVER done in this house!

    1. Come help with my nursery? :) I made our “to do before babies arrive” list yesterday and my husband almost fell over. (Yeah, no sh*t, dude. We have two new people arriving. There’s work to be done!) Alternatively, you could do what my mom and her hippy 1970s southern California friends did when I was due: get friends to sit in a circle around you and chant “out baby, out” for half an hour. I was born the next day.

    2. Thinking of things I had no time for after baby….go to the movies, catch up with friends/extended family on the phone, haircut/blowout. Go to the pool and float if you have access to an indoor pool? Good luck!!!

    4. I’ve got nothing for you, but I just wanted to say that I totally teared up remembering that little mini-phase of my life right before my first was born– this time exactly ten years ago (OMG). Enjoy it and please, no matter how you feel about how you look right now, take some photos. God I sound like an old lady.

    5. Address your baby announcements? I had my envelopes done before baby so all I had to do was mindlessly stuff envelopes once the little one arrived.

    6. Definitely enjoy the peace and quiet. When my first was due and not coming (he was a week + 1 day late, the bum) there was a miserable, massive heat wave. To get out of the house, I’d go to the movies, which is how I ended up seeing SITC–it was the longest movie playing at the hottest time of the day (= more AC I wasn’t paying for). Only other thing I did to move it along is eat Thai food and take long walks with podcasts over the Brooklyn Bridge.

    7. I went for marathon walks around the neighborhood trying to induce labor. The day before my daughter was born I walked about 6 miles.

    8. Do you have a birthing ball? I hear they really help those last few day! Also, eat spicy food and have s3x!! Good luck!!

      1. OMG, I had the birthing ball, I walked a zillion miles, and he did not budge until they shot me full of pitocin at 42 weeks. He says he was just cozy in there. Seriously, think of that– one day in the not too distant future, you will be able to discuss this with him or her!

      2. Evening Primrose Oil is good too. It has prostaglandins in it, if I remember right, (the stuff in the gel that is used to induce labour) and can actually cause contractions (or it did for me if I took too much). I took it late pregnancy with my last because I knew I’d be induced early for medical reasons & I wanted to make sure my body was ready. It worked.

  16. I need some help figuring out ways to respond to people who want to talk about the fact that I don’t eat meat at less than ideal times. It’s not usually something I like to talk about, because people usually ask about it at mealtimes and I think it’s gross/inappropriate to talk about while other people are enjoying their food. I don’t bring it up and can go with the flow when I’m eating with other people (making meals out of sides, etc.). When asked, I usually give a vague answer that I don’t eat meat for personal health and ethical reasons and leave it at that.

    There are certain people (at work and in larger friend of a friend groups) who seem to really want to get into it with me about the topic. They always bring it up at mealtimes and go into attack-mode. It puts me in an uncomfortable position because I feel like if I actually go into my reasoning, I become the preachy, obnoxious vegetarian who is talking about animal cruelty while people sitting next to her are eating a burger or I’m just sitting there while someone belittles my carefully thought-out choice. You guys seem to have so many great ways of shutting down other inappropriate comments (pregnancy, health concerns, etc.) that I was hoping you might have some ideas for this.

    I have no problem explaining my reasoning and having conversations about my reasoning with people who are actually interested. I think my problem is mostly being put in the position of having to defend a personal choice to a larger group who isn’t necessarily interested, ALWAYS at a mealtime, where it would be inappropriate for me to talk about it.

    1. I usually just make a face and say it’s not for me. If people act like it’s some hardship I’m putting myself through, I just say “if I wanted to eat it, I would.”

    2. Depending on the crowd, sometimes my husband will say “Mostly I do it for the sense of moral superiority.”

      3. I’m gonna use this too! Unfortunately as a vegetarian this is an all-too-common occurrence :(

      5. Gah, I think I’m going to try a version of this on my brother the next time he tries to get into it with me at the table!

    3. I am also a vegetarian, and at one professional lunch when asked about it I actually did say, “it’s a personal thing, and I have a hard time talking about it because I don’t want anyone to feel I’m judging them for their own decisions.” I hadn’t planned it in advance at all, but surprisingly it worked. Nobody pressed at all or got defensive. The bonus for me was that I had said exactly what I was thinking! Hard to get that wrong.

    4. I find this so so so so so odd. I mean, this is not some crazy, novel concept. Lots and lots of people don’t eat meat. What could they possibly be so interested in?! Do they want to try to convince you to do so? To what end?

      I agree with just being really casual “Its a personal decision for me because I care about animals and don’t care about eating meat.”

      1. I agree with you that OP’s colleagues are in the wrong here, but I don’t think saying “I care about animals” is the casual route, especially if she wants to avoid being seen as “the preachy, obnoxious vegetarian who is talking about animal cruelty.”

        I’d just say something to the effect of “it’s a personal decision with many factors” and don’t engage if anyone tries to press further.

        1. Agreed. Casual this is not. If you want to keep it light you have to give a response that actually leaves out any/all reasons for being vegetarian, otherwise you’re getting into exactly the stickiness OP is trying to avoid.

        2. This is a good point. I am not a vegetarian and I do care about animals. I can recognize the hypocrisy in this, and personally, it does not sound preachy or rude when vegetarians say they are vegetarians because they don’t like eating animals, but I can see how how it could come across as preachy or even offensive to some.

          I guess you could start by being really vague and then if someone pushes it you can say that it has to do with x,y, and z. I also don’t think people have a right to be offended if they push you on a reason after you have declined to provide one. Unless, of course, they are starting to pick a fight. Which may be the reason for them being so pushy and demanding about receiving an answer.

    5. Ugh, these people are LAME, i’m sorry ;oP I was vegetarian and even vegan for years but I never felt attacked about it in a situation like this, I was always able to just shrug it off.

      Maybe something like: “Oh, it’s for a lot of reasons, and it’s very personal, so I’d rather not talk about it (here)(with you).” ?

      If they keep pressing it would definitely make them look like the a$$holes, not you!

      1. I think this is the best response. You don’t owe anybody an explanation of your eating habits, plus it’s almost always super boring to talk about people’s dietary preferences especially at mealtime. Just say no to these conversations!

      2. I have been doing this for about 5 years. Its not working. Add to the fact that my dietary choices are in part, due to some serious food allergies, I am ready to find another job.

    6. Ok, your colleagues are in the wrong here and you are not. However, since you can’t control their behavior, you can always just say you’re not in the mood for [insert meat dish] right now.

      I am not a vegetarian but try to eat less meat for lots of reasons, and I’ve never had a problem with anyone when I say I’m just not in the mood for a burger right now. It also allows you to later eat meat if you change your mind. I also like Anonymous’s suggestion about how it’s personal and you don’t feel like talking about it.

      Bottom line – what people put in their bodies is up to them, and no one should feel judged for it!

      1. I have more of this philosophy (still eat meat, but eat less meat than most people) and have had tons of problems with people criticizing me for “not deciding” or being “in the middle” or “faking it.” I think some people just feel the need to attack others’ choices as a way to validate their own. It’ll happen whatever your choice is. I have the most trouble when I have to decide in advance what meal I want without knowing what the options are (ie. catered conferences, airplanes, etc). I will almost always tell people I need the vegetarian option (no mystery meat for me!), but then I get all sorts of crap from people – “I’ve seen you eat meat, why are you lying???” There’s no winning.

        I think others have good suggestions for the OP. Something like “I thought about it a lot and this is what works best for me.” will probably work, and if they press you, you might just need to change the subject. They’re the awkward ones, and everyone else will know it.

    7. I actually think a version of what you said here would be great. “You know, it can be a weird topic to get into at a meal, but I’d be happy to talk about it sometime if you’re interested.” Most people will never seek you out later, but those who actually want to engage in thoughtful conversation will.

    8. You can always do the “why do you ask” but it sounds like they’re not the type of person who would understand this means they are being rude. Instead, why don’t you just say exactly what you said before “you don’t feel the need to defend a personal choice.” End of discussion. If they keep going on you could do the humor or say well if you want my preachy vegetarian lecture Bob, I’d be happy to give it to you, but I’d rather not do it while Sally is trying to enjoy her burger.

    9. That sounds really annoying. I hate it when anyone comments on anyone else’s food choices. Could you say that you’d rather not get into your reasons right now? Maybe offer to discuss at a different time if they are really interested and you are willing to discuss it and if they push say that you don’t want to discuss it while everyone is eating.

      Of course if someone is really rude about it you could say that you don’t judge their dietary choices and would appreciate it if they didn’t judge yours.

      1. “you don’t judge their dietary choices and would appreciate it if they didn’t judge yours.”

        ooo, yeah, I think this is the best thing if they have continued to push. It’s not wimpy but it also doesn’t engage:

    10. I am vegetarian too and I very frequently get one of the following comments: “Ewwww, I could never eat salads all day! I love eating meat.” or “OMG, how do you get your protein?” or occasionally “Is your spouse vegetarian? Are you going to raise your kid(s) vegetarian?”.
      I dont mind giving a factual answer to #3 and occasionally to #2 (there are vegetarian sources of protein, yadda yadda), but I don’t like being “ewww”ed at. :)

      Like you OP, I don’t want to be seen as holier-than-thou and preachy, and try to make my answers as casual as possible. No solution really, but similar experience.

    11. Yeah, agreed that this is really annoying behavior from your coworkers/extended friends. What I usually do: First, I usually just say “Thanks, I don’t eat meat” rather than “I’m a vegetarian” when people offer me something that’s non-veg at a meal. It makes it sound more explicitly like a personal choice rather than an important part of my identity, and so I think it helps with that holier than thou issue. If someone presses me for reasons, I usually say “I just found that I could live without it.” Often people will then talk about how much they love bacon, and I reply with a kind of conversation closing “Yep, everyone’s different!” and move on. Occasionally this response will elicit some sort of commentary from people about how they’ve tried to be veg but failed, or they’d like to try veg, or something, and then we can have an actual productive conversation about how to eat less meat if you want to.

    12. If someone asks why I’m vegetarian (which I have been for more 25 years), I say vaguely “for ethical and health reasons”, and try to move on. I may add that even as a child, I never cared for meat.

    13. And may I just say that I am so happy to live in So Cal where being a vegetarian is, like, the very least novel thing in the whole wide world and nobody bats an eye when I skip the meat.

      1. Ugh, while I love being an east-coaster, I do wish vegetarianism were as widespread here as it is out west. I swear 99% of the cool, trendy restaurants in Philly are just not vegetarian-friendly.

    14. I get this less these days but can’t say I haven’t encountered it. I always say in sort of a brush-off tone, “Mostly animal rights.” If there is still interest in continuing, I’ll add that I’ve been a vegetarian since high school and don’t really miss it. But I really couldn’t live without sugar.” Usually this gets folks on to talking about their favorite deserts or I’ll go down that path to get the conversation to turn.

      Yes, you still get the awkward focus of the conversation still being on diet–but at least it usually shuts down the people who want to go tit for tat about how you feel about farm factories or wearing leather or any of the rest of the stuff that’s really not polite dinner conversation. Folks, I’m almost 40. I made the decision when I was 17. You’re not changing my mind at this point so stop trying and don’t challenge me to try to change yours. I truly just want to eat in peace.

    15. Holy SH*T Vegetarian! I could have written this. I have resolved myself to avoiding social situations because of the attacks and sermons. Years and years of them – from the same people – tells me they are never going to be okay with my choices.

  17. Has anyone tried the Living Proof hair “primer”? I’m intrigued by its claim that it helps your style last an extra day, but I’m also skeptical… any thoughts?

    1. I’ve tried it and wasn’t too impressed. It doesn’t have any normal hair product benefits (heat protection, de frizzing, straightening..) so to me it just felt like an extra layer of product in my hair for no reason. I can already go 2 days without washing my hair using my normal products and routine, so maybe it just wasn’t formulated for my hair type.

    2. I like the way it makes my hair feel soft and I feel like it has some heat protectant properties (although I use it with another thermal serum, just to be safe), but I didn’t notice any effect of making my hairstyle last longer or stay straighter or anything like that. I got a free (large) sample at Sephora, and I probably would not actually purchase it when the sample is gone.

    3. Tried it…didn’t love it? I just didn’t like how it felt in my hair, and I didn’t notice any change in the length of my style lasting. I also got a large sample at Sephora, I think in one of the 500 point beauty boxes.

    4. I’ve used it and have recently repurchased a tube of it, so I like it.

      It does make my hair feel really soft and I like the heat protectant properties of it. I also like it because of my hair type – I have hair that is naturally straight but creases super easily and has trouble holding any type of style. While I can often go two or three days without having to wash my hair, I often spend the mornings on days two and three dealing with the creases and kinks caused by “bedhead” and taming it back to some kind of normal looking style. The Living Proof Prime product does a really good job of reducing those kinks and creases so that this morning, I could have woken up, brushed my hair, and gone straight to work if I wanted. That benefit is worth the price tag for me!

    5. I use it & love it, but as my hair “product” – in other words, I use it instead of gel, mousse, etc. Works on my hair (fine but thick) really well. I haven’t gotten the extra day out of it as it claims, but I find it a lot easier to work with my hair.

  18. Count me in on the this week is fired club… had a massive fight with my sister re: my theoretical ability to support a family last night and then today was told that an extremely important volunteer meeting I could not attend to might have been attendable after all had I not accidentally drafted a text instead of sending it.

    .. and then I forgot my pin in the cheese shop and had to very embarrassingly ask them to hold my purchases for me till tomorrow.

    1. I think this is one of the things you find incredibly embarrassing but nobody else cares about. When you have a family you’ll just have to buy your cheese on credit so there is no pin to remember. Problem solved! (That’s meant to be a joke, in case it doesn’t come across as such via text because this week has been so awful that jokes aren’t funny anymore.)

      1. Ha, amusingly enough it was the credit card PIN that I could not remember ! XD If the theorewitical situation my sister got so upset about would come to pass, I’d send the househobbit to do the shopping anyway.

  19. Has anyone dealt w/ a condescending coworker? If so, how? I work for a software company (not on the developer/programmer/tech side). One of my colleagues says really condescending things like , “You have to understand…”, “Well in business…, “I’ll have [myname] do this….”
    He is sr to me by about 4 years, and he acts as if I have never had a job in my life (I’m 28).
    Am I taking this too personally? Is there a way to manage up when someone treats you like a child? Do I ignore him?

    1. Yuck, how annoying!

      I’ve had people say things like that to me, but mostly trying to help. I’ve always just responded with kindness and thanked them for the advice. I think people like this probably have their hearts in the right place (or feel a need to be validated by others), so if you give them what they want they generally leave with a positive feeling and may lay off in the future.

      Interested to see what other people will say.

    2. Does this person behave the same way towards his peers and folks less senior to him, or do you think that he is singling you out?

    3. I have a colleague who is junior to me doing this. Especially irritating since I’m leading a particular project right now, and he often uses such segues to subtly question my judgment in how I’m managing the project. Mostly I’ve been trying to use non-violent communication techniques to deflect him (“Non-violent Communication : A Language of Life”) which I recommend for most settings…but it’s definitely annoying! Especially since my boss thinks we’re making great progress and has had nothing but positive things to say about how I’m managing things, it’s super irritating. And then, of course, once we’re in a larger group (incl. my boss), this guy is always totally on board with everything we disagreed about before!

    4. I haven’t seen him to talk to people like this, but he talks about people like this “I’ll have SoandSo run those reports”.

      I like the advice to thank them. I’ll try that approach and see what happens.

      1. Is this his only offence or has he been condescending in other ways?

        Has he ever tried to make you look bad in front of others?

        Does he talk like that (“Well Avodah, you have to understand….”) to you in front of others?

        If this is his verbal tic, and he doesn’t pull this nonsense on you in front of others, I’d give him a pass. As Blair Waldorf says, some people are just a bit needy for validation but generally alright.

        Does your company do 360 degree reviews? Or, more often, 180? What impact does he have on your performance review? And, vice versa, what impact do you have on his? (Just trying to get the lay of the land.) If he has significant impact, I’d just be careful that it’s only a verbal tic on his part and that he doesn’t actually think you are “green, inexperienced and don’t know anything.”

        It wouldn’t be right for him to make an assumption about you based on age, and then review you negatively for it. If he has reviewing impact, you may have to take extra measures to demonstrate to him that (1) you take his advice seriously (even if you don’t and think he’s a blowhard and (2) you are performing well and that your age doesn’t negatively impact your performance. I hope he’s not reverse-discriminatory w.r.t age, but some people are, alas.

      2. Well, we are a pretty flat company (which makes him even more annoying). We are BIG into 360’s, and I’d have no problem constructively giving him this feedback. Yes, he talks that way to me in front of other people. It is kind of embarrassing. I want to scream “I’m almost 30. I have a masters degree from Prestigious U and have worked for people far more important that you’ll ever be!!!!” (Of course, I would never do this)

        The more I think about it-he is a blowhard with a verbal tic. I don’t think he is nasty or malicious. I just think he, somewhat ironically, is the one who is green and needs to develop better management skills.

        1. How about a private one on one where you do tactfully explain your qualifications and let this person know how them comments make you feel? Give him some concrete examples. Frame it in a way that suggests a communication breakdown and your willingness to meet him halfway.

          Maybe, just maybe, he is thick and has no idea what a jerk he sounds like. If not, you have lead by example: ‘criticize in private’ and put him on alert that you are not a doormat.

  20. I am struggling with major jealously this morning. I have a distant family member who is 7 years out of college, so almost 30, and has only held low-paying but “glamorous” jobs like fashion, PR, etc. Her parents heavily subsidize her lifestyle, which includes a really nice Manhattan apartment, designer clothes, etc. She just got married to a guy who has been unemployed for a long time and is apparently not actively job-hunting but he has even more family money than her family does. They are currently on a monthlong African safari honeymoon and this is not their first extravagant vacation this year. My husband and I are very comfortable but far from rich. I know we have it better than a lot of people, and I’m generally happy. But seeing these two, who are the least-deserving people I know, essentially travel the world for free indefinitely instead of working is just killing me. On top of how spoiled she is, she’s an awful, unpleasant person and I can think of so many hard-working, kind people who deserve a vacation like this a million times more than her – like basically everyone I’ve ever met. Any thoughts on how to get past this?

    1. She sounds terrible. Why would you want to be like her??

      But seriously, that’s a hard pill to swallow sometimes. I’ve felt that way in the past as well. Wouldn’t life be easier if we had all the things others have without having to work so hard for them? The reality is that many people (not all, but many) who are brought up in this lifestyle are not as fulfilled by these special opportunities as those who have worked for them, looked forward to them, and saved for them. What’s another trip to Africa when you’re always going on fabulous vacations?

      From your brief description, she doesn’t sound like a very happy person. It would be nice to just give one vacation to those more deserving, but unfortunately it can’t work that way. And it always helps me to remember that having lots of stuff, little responsibility in the workplace or fear of being fired, and a subsidized life does not lead to happiness!! And at the end of the day, I’d rather be happy.

      1. Yep. Whenever I have feelings like this, I try to remind myself that I’m really only envying a part of that person’s life, not ALL of their life. Would I trade my life for a vacation to Africa if it meant that I probably had no friends, no sense of purpose in life, and loser husband? Nope.

      2. I don’t even know how to really describe what I’m about to say, and it’s probably going to sound petty and nonsensical, but here I go…

        Your comment “she doesn’t sound like a very happy person” makes me think. Do you think some people are wired to not “feel” as much as others? For example, what both you and Anony have said really resonates with me, because I’ve certainly felt this jealously about other people. And I’ve always made myself feel better by thinking “at least I’m happier than they are.”

        But what if they don’t really think about whether they’re happy or not? Do you think everyone realizes that they are happy/sad/whatever? Could it be that some people just place a high value on concrete objects but not on how they feel? Are some people wired to be “unintelligent” about their emotions? Do they even realize they’re unhappy?

        I told you this wasn’t going to make much sense.

        1. I like where your head is at. I obviously don’t have an answer, but it’s an interesting point!

          I think there are probably some people who are “unintelligent” about their emotions. I’ve always believed that eventually, though, some type of truth will surface in their lives. If they’re in a marriage that just looks good on paper for whatever reason, I really don’t think something like that will last, even if the parties are totally fine with the situation at the outset.

          So I guess to answer your question, I do think that eventually, people will realize they are unhappy if they’ve made choices in life that set themselves up for being unhappy (bad relationship choices, not finding a purpose in the world, etc.).

          I also really really like the discussion below about not caring who is happy and who isn’t. I think that’s the goal of this – to understand how the grass is always greener, but then to refocus on yourself and your own happiness.

      3. Yeah, I will bet you money that they are barely even enjoying their trip in Africa right now. They are probably finding everything to complain and be miserable about. I TRY (emphasis on try, I often don’t succeed) but I try to remind myself to just feel sorry for people who are so miserable all the time they can’t even appreciate the small things in life, much less their privileges.

        Example anecdote: I was in Hawaii, we were on the big island and one day because of other plans, we just spent a couple of hours at this one very touristy snorkeling beach right near where the cruise ships dock. Just had a quick dip in and snorkeled around looking at some cool fish and stuff, not the most exciting or amazing part of our whole trip but we were having fun. But there was this guy off one of the cruise ships standing on the beach the whole time we were there, on his cell phone making various calls, and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM he spent complaining about work or his family or complaining about the cruise ship. Here this guy was standing on this Gorgeous beach in Hawaii and he spent the whole time whining about stupid things on his cell phone to people he probably talks to every day?? I just felt really sorry for him, and how he clearly is miserable his entire life, even though he doesn’t need to be.

    2. No helpful thoughts, but will commiseration do?

      I have a similarly terrible/lucky person in my life (and bonus – she’s super-thin! and pretty! and blonde! and kind of in love with my husband even though she’s married to another dude!), and I still haven’t really figured out how to get past feeling like she’s *the worst* and deserves exactly zero of the things she has, and just generally feeling terrible and annoyed at the universe about it because she has so much that I don’t (and likely won’t ever) have.

      1. But you have your husband and she doesn’t! Out of all those things, I’d far rather be married to the guy I wanted to be married to than be rich or pretty or thin.

        I have a rich-and-successful-but-terrible-person cousin. Her father (my mother’s cousin) tells me every time we see each other (including at super appropriate events like my grandmother’s funeral) how much his daughter earns. I just think “seriously? You’re 60 years old, have two successful daughters, both happily married, and three beautiful grandchildren but you have to point out to your cousin’s daughter — at your aunt’s funeral — how much your daughter makes? How little self-esteem do you actually have?” Thinking about the dynamics of this part of the family just makes my jealousy melt away. Sure my cousin makes $432,000 (as of last Thanksgiving, which is when her father last updated me on her income), but jeesh, she’s nasty and unhappy and has a father like that!

        1. Objectively, I 100% know that you’re right, and the rational part of my brain is exceedingly glad that I am (a) married to my husband; (b) not hungry and cold all the time due to lack of body fat; and (c) not dependent on the whims of my parents and in-laws to maintain my lifestyle.

          The irrational part of my brain wants to be able to have the half-million dollar home in the suburbs AND the month-long safari in Africa AND the $2K YSL tote in multiple colors and would like to know why she gets them and I don’t. (The irrational part of my brain is seven years old, extremely bratty, and has sassy pigtails, for the record.)

          1. HAHA!! I think my irrational brain would be friends with your irrational brain and they could braid each other’s pigtails. No, I totally know what you mean, all i can do is try to make myself think that, kind of like an affirmation. If I forcibly think it enough times maybe it will sink in? I don’t know, hasn’t quite worked yet, but I’ll let you know if it does. ;o)

    3. I don’t know. A young couple – think early-mid 20s – moved in to the house next door to us and is doing every single possible upgrade to the house and property. I don’t think either one has a real job, and their families are apparently underwriting their home purchase and renovations. I’m not exactly jealous, but I can’t help mentioning it to my husband at least twice a day.

    4. How do you know all of these things? Are you fb friends with her? Cut that out – remove/ignore her posts. If family is gossiping about her, change the subject. You have too much going on in your life to care about people who don’t need or benefit you in anyway.

      As you can imagine, I’m ruthless in shredding “useless” people out of my life.

      1. +1 to blocking on FB — the person who’s annoying you can’t see that you’ve done this and it really improves your spirits.

        I was in a PITA wedding last month to a person who I *thought* was my best friend (I’m going to avoid labels like this in the future, says high school me). Long story short, she ended up being a complete nightmare. It was too much to see her daily updates about her life and her husband (who none of us can stand). So now she’s blocked. And when I do see her, anything I don’t catch on FB is easily remedied with “oh, I must have missed that post!”

        If anyone has any tips for just not caring when someone throws away a 12-year friendship, I’m all ears.

        1. Only that this will blow over, and she may come to realize that she is not the center of the universe, and that weddings are not *the* most important thing ever. Her constant posting may be a remnant of bridezilla syndrome. I would keep casual contact, avoid the posts, and wait for her to come to her senses. That is, assuming you previously liked her.

        2. I feel you. I also had a friendship end over a wedding (except it was mine and a bridesmaid who behaved terribly). It sounds to me like your friend may not be all that happy in her marriage & her daily updates may be trying to convince herself and others that she’s happy. If you’re really a happy newlywed, you don’t need to talk about it constantly (the occasional sappy post? sure. But constant use of social media about your marriage reads to me as insecurity). I’ve blocked a bunch of friends on facebook because their updates are so annoying and braggy. I take the same strategy of just saying I missed the post when I see them in real life.

          Blocking people can lead to awkward moments though. Several friends and I were talking about our sweet mutual friend A who was very pregnant and they all started saying how great it was that she’d had her baby, he was beautiful, etc and I was so confused because I hadn’t seen any update from A about her baby despite looking at her page several times recently in anticipation of baby news. Finally I realized that the only post about the baby had come from another mutual friend B, who is *beyond* insufferable on fb and whom I had blocked. It was pretty awkward when I had the moment of realization and said “Ohhh so that’s why I didn’t see it.” (As an aside – I think it’s beyond crazy that B posted the picture & news, which A apparently texted her, on fb before A had a chance to announce it herself. B actually did the same thing with my wedding photos, which was one of many reasons she was a crap bridesmaid).

    5. She probably appreciates none of it. People who don’t have to earn their way in this world often have no idea how fortunate they are to have a cushy lifestyle. There is value in earning your place in this life and no amount of vacation, granite countertops, or fantastic shoes changes that.

    6. I think you just have to know that the grass isn’t always greener. People who don’t have a lot of purpose in their lives end up totally f’d up. I can’t imagine being married to a guy like that. Not that you need a job or career to be happy, but you do need a purpose, whether that’s volunteering, caring for kids, whatever. I totally imagine people like that taking a lot of Xanax.

      But I know how it is, I deal with these kind of thoughts frequently– I live in a suburb where almost none of the moms work and many live in a $2-3M McMansion, have an $80K car, employ a full time nanny, and go on ridiculous vacations constantly. We just wander around going “who ARE these people and where does this come from?” On a bad day, it sounds so good to not have to work (not even doing housework!) and still have every material thing you could ever want. But the truth is, a lot of those women don’t seem happy, and many of them have dinner every night alone because their husband is always working, traveling, or networking.

      1. I also tell myself that a lot of the superwealthy SAHMs don’t seem happy, but honestly, maybe they are. I don’t think it’s healthy to compare myself to other people (in terms of money OR happiness). But sometimes, one just has to get through the day, and reminding myself that I have a job they could never do helps.

        1. You’re so right. Maybe the better idea is that I don’t want to be them, not really. Not that they are unhappy.

      2. My sister is one of these people. She seems to be slowing losing a sense of what “real” problems are for the most part.

        I try to remind myself while this makes her happy, I would not be happy in her situation and that the world takes all kinds.

        It’s really hard to keep this level of zen though when she’s complaining about something totally absurd like the decreased quality of wine in first class on their preferred airline.

      3. For another perspective I’d read The Millionaire Next Door. Pretty eye-opening stuff!

        1. Indeed! I’ll never forget that term: “economic outpatient care.” So, so apt a term.

          I showed it to my parents who passed it along to some of my aunts and uncles who were feeling pretty burdened by having to provide economic outpatient care to their children.

    7. For one thing, the couple could be massively, horribly in debt. No one puts that in the FB posts.

    8. I’m noticing that pretty much all the advice here hinges on convincing yourself that she actually isn’t happy or a worthwhile person. Honestly I think real freedom would be accepting that her life may really be as good as it looks, and that maybe she doesn’t suck, and seeing a way to make peace with what you have anyway.

      2. +1. so true. true happiness is not caring what others have and enjoying what you do have, and working toward your goals with purpose in life.

      3. this. putting other people down usually doesnt give you more than temporary relief. but learing to love your life and what you have makes everything worthwhile. and it makes it so that you never have to feel like you want to put other people down.

      7. +2 – I’ve been trying to think of it as that there is not a limited amount of “good” in the world, but that good things are evidence that good things happen, so more “good” for others is just evidence that there could be good things in store for me around the corner.

      8. Yes. There will always be somebody who has something you want, or whose life is, in fact, better than yours in some way or even in many ways. It’s better to come to terms with this reality, I think, than to try to convince yourself it isn’t true.

      9. This, hard as it is, is the only way I can get over my jealousy hang ups as well. What sometimes helps me get there is to think of it in an ‘all for one and one for all’ terms – the success of this woman contributes to the success of all women, and i’m a woman, therefore I also benefit and vice versa for all of my successes kind of thoughts.

      10. +3. So many people see life as a happiness pie- i.e. if someone else has a big slice, then there’s less for you. Happiness isn’t available in limited quantities, and how happy she is has no bearing on your own contentment levels.

        I’m not saying I don’t get jealous (and being still unemployed, it’s been happening more often than usual), BUT if you think about it, isn’t it a good thing that someone is happy/lucky/well-off? The less suffering in the world, the better. OK, time to get off my rainbow made of smiling kittens and pixie dust…

    9. Thanks all for the advice & commiseration. Blair and L – you make great points that she may not appreciate it. I think that’s probably true. I know I get a lot of enjoyment out of planning and anticipating a vacation for a year or more, and if I was always taking them that would not be the case anymore. Godzilla – unfortunately I hear about her from a meddling family member but I do agree with you about ruthlessly defriending and hiding people on social media. I’ve actually hidden a number of people who are fun in real life but have a terrible “Facebook Persona” – think #SoBlessed on every single picture & update. I know I’m somewhat guilty of this as well, but I’m so sick of people only putting the shiny happy stuff on Facebook.

    10. What if I told you that this is as…good…as…it…gets for her? As her parents grow older they will have to subsidize her less to pay for their retirement, maybe nursing care and more.

      You and your husband are working hard to *build the life you want together*. I think *that* is pretty amazing.

    11. I’ve got a similar story. I just heard from a friend who is unemployed. Her father pays for much of her life, her car, healthcare, etc.

      She and her fiance are going on vacation in a couple of weeks. She’s leaving her 4-year-old son at home. He’ll be with a nanny during the week, but then she wants me to help out on the weekend.

      I have a full-time job and my parents don’t subsidize anything. And this is not an emergency. In fact, she is coming back on the Friday, but her son will be at his grandmothers – where she wants me to help out – and she doesn’t want to go get him until Sunday evening.

      1. That’s just sad. I wouldn’t enable that kind of behavior. I totally support the need for a couples’ vacation without kids, but that’s a little much. I’d just say you have plans plus a ton of work, so sorry cant do it . . .

        1. “The good things in your life are *intrinsic* to your character. The good things in her life are external, and dropped into her lap by exogenous factors she can’t control. I’d rather be with you than her, because life is full of uncertainty.” Bingo. Susedna said it perfectly.

    12. I don’t like the approach of telling yourself a story about how she might be unhappy. It might not be true. She might be lazy, gifted with unearned good fortune, and quite incredibly happy. You won’t feel better if you know (and deep down, you will) that you are possibly lying to yourself. Not everybody who’s unpleasant is that way because they’re miserable. Sometimes, they’re jolly happy making others feel crappy. Rather than try to mind-read, go with the facts.

      She’s never had to earn anything, nor has her guy. Neither of them have much in the way of consistent work history with significant responsibility.

      That means, if the wheel of fortune should turn on them, they’re less well-prepared than you are. You have skills and resiliency and you’ve demonstrated that already. She and her guy haven’t. Your odds of dealing with problems in life are way better than hers. Even if she’s luckier in getting unearned largesse. The good things in your life are *intrinsic* to your character. The good things in her life are external, and dropped into her lap by exogenous factors she can’t control. I’d rather be with you than her, because life is full of uncertainty.

  21. I’m getting all four of my wisdom teeth removed in about two hours and am soo anxious! No anesthesia, only local numbing and laughing gas. All of the teeth are impacted. Have any of you gone through a similar situation?

    To put a fashion spin on it, will you ladies give me permission to wear yoga leggings and a sweatshirt to my appointment? I know leggings in public are a big faux pas, and I’ve never ridden the subway in them, but I just want to be comfy cozy!

    Please tell me how easy peasy this will be?

    1. The last thing on your mind should be worrying about how others will perceive your clothing. Wear the leggings, please. And everyone has a different experience with tooth extraction; you will probably be swollen and taking painkillers for a few days, but you will never have to worry about these teeth causing trouble for you ever again.

    2. Ice zealously during recovery–I had four impacted wisdom teeth out a long time ago and that was what made the difference. And heck yeah, wear the leggings, subway be darned. I’d probably go all-in with yoga pants, a hoodie, and crocs.

      Do you have anyone helping you get home? I had local as well but was seriously out of it post-procedure, and would not have been able to navigate a subway ride home. Even a cab would have been hard (and I totally would have lost some essentials). A helper would be your best accessory!

    3. Please wear leggings and a sweatshirt! I’d be so irritated if I saw someone going in for oral surgery wearing something different. You’ll be doing me a favor. :)

      Please wear leggings and a sweatshirt! I’d be so irritated if I saw someone going in for oral surgery wearing something different. You’ll be doing me a favor.

      I received anesthesia when I had my wisdom teeth out and was nauseous and high as a kite. My brother ate a burger after his wisdom teeth were removed while I was on a pudding and yogurt diet.

    4. I had this done when I was 18 or so. All four removed – 2 were growing sideways (like seriously perpendicular to my other teeth), so they had to cut in to remove them. You will be totally fine. The only thing you might feel even a little prick when they do the Novocaine, but it doesn’t feel any worse than when you get prodded during a cleaning. I didn’t even have laughing gas, just took a Valium pill. My dentist also let me bring a Discman (haha, so dating myself), so I could drown out the sounds. The swelling afterwards sucks, but just do liquid food for a few days and you’ll be fine. Good luck!

    5. I had mine removed and was surprised how quickly it happened. Don’t wait for pain to start before taking the pain killer and be nice to yourself tonight.

    6. I had all four out with only local and it was fine. Unpleasant while it was going on but not painful during!

    7. This may not be the case for you, but I still look back fondly on the day I got my wisdom teeth out as the BEST DAY OF SLEEP IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

      Once I woke up, I had an epic Pride and Prejudice viewing session. It was amazing.

    8. You’ll be fine — drugs will make it better! Also, take two socks and fill the “toes” with ice, tie them together, and drape them over the top of your head so that you can ice both sides with minimal effort. Sounds weird — super awesome.

    9. I had a raging infection in one of my wisdom teeth, and was put under twilight to get all four yanked. As such, I was expecting a horrible recovery, but it was not bad at all. A bit sore the first day or so but far far less than I expected.

      PSA: Get your wisdom teeth out when the dentist tell you to, don’t just “wait and see how it goes.”

    10. Second the helper thing. I also had local when I took out all four and felt pressure (no pain) every time the dentist chipped the thing to remove it.

      My dad drove me home, I took painkillers and tried to watch some Keanu does shakespeare movie but promptly fell asleep until my mom came home and woke me up to eat dinner.

      Other than being careful to irrigate for about a week afterwards and remembering painkillers the first two days or so, it was easy.

      Best wishes sent your way!

    11. Wear whatever you want so you can be comfortable.

      Here’s hoping the extraction and the first few days afterwards are as painless and easy for you as possible!

  22. Wear whatever you want so you can be comfortable.

    Here’s hoping the extraction and the first few days afterwards are as painless and easy for you as possible!

    1. I had a great experience with My Clean (you can buy and arrange it online, and the person who came was very professional).

  23. Earlier this year, I was strongly encouraged to apply for an internal job (“we want you”, “we’re changing the job requirements so you qualify” etc.) and at the the last minute they just picked someone from the outside. I posted here for hugs because I was just back from maternity leave and so stressed and embarrassed by the whole experience. So fast forward 8 months and they just told me that I’m actually switching jobs with the person they hired. So…I got the job? But this is weird. I don’t think the other person is very happy about it and the whole thing is just bizarre to me. Anyone ever seen something similar?

    1. Are they giving you the raise/etc you expected when you were first considering that job? I’d assume they made a bad decision and learned from it, but make sure they aren’t also short-changing you in the process.

      1. That is such a great point and I was so taken aback that I didn’t really consider it. Will definitely go back for more info!

        1. Thank you both for this. I may be in the same boat very soon. I have also had the job offered then ripped away, but with the promise of another chance later in the year.

          I have major reservations.

  24. Yikes. My teeth were so badly impacted that after 8 hours on one tooth, they decided to leave the other 3!! (I did the no anesthetic as well as I react so badly to it that its used sparingly on me!).

    Agree about the ride home. My surgeon’s policy was not to operate if you don’t have someone waiting to take you home. Also, most places won’t operate if you don’t have a NOK on-call in case something goes wrong (this is still a surgery!)

  25. New associate here, having trouble finding work. It’s especially bad this week as there’s an out-of-town conference that most of the partners are attending. Does anyone have advice, both on how to go about getting work (I’ve made the rounds a few times, and emailed) and what to do all day if I don’t get work this week? Thanks so much!

    1. Have you checked in with senior/mid-level associates in addition to partners? The most senior people often think something is “covered” once its delegated to a senior-ish associate, not realizing that they’ve just given that person 6 weeks of work and a 3-week timeline – make sure you’re checking in with the people who will actually know whether or not help is needed, and not just the big bosses.

      If you’ve tried that, and there’s still no work, find out if there are any practice development things you can do – offer to help someone who is putting together a CLE, or attend a CLE, or help someone research/write an article. If you’re not sure what types of things the firm needs on this front, check in with a marketing person – they’ll likely have a ton of ideas, and probably also be thrilled that you asked (since, in my experience, no one checks in with marketing pretty much ever at large firms). Also don’t forget about pro bono work!

    2. Are you brand new (as in just started this fall)? If so, then do what you’re doing to find work, but since you probably don’t have a billables target for this calendar year, I’d definitely see if anyone needs help with CLE, articles, or presentations. It could be a great chance to get your name out there and get to know a partner. Since the hours spent on these usually aren’t billable, they can be more burdensome later on when you’re also trying to hit your hours.

    3. Same thing happened to me in my first week. Pick a relevant CLE and fire away just so you’ll have something to do. And seconding KKH, pick up some pro bono if you can! It may count towards your yearly billable requirement.

    4. Find a partner whose work interests you and ask him or her if you can help out on an article, presentation, client pitch, or pro bono project.

      Talk to other junior (second and third year) associates about what projects they are working on, and let them know you are looking for work. I’m still a first year but I’ve had senior associates/partners ask me to recommend fellow junior associates for projects.

      Since you are new, take the time to introduce yourself to people. Make a goal to meet x number of people per day or per week. Ask junior associates or mid-level associates out to lunch. A lot of work comes from social connections, especially since your coworkers have no work product to judge you on. Be the person they see a lot around the office, and you will come to mind when a project comes in. And when I say introduce yourself to people, I don’t mean go around door to door and ask for work. There are times you will definitely have to do that, but I have found partners are much more receptive to me stopping in “just to chat” than when they feel like they don’t know me and I’m asking them to help me out.

      Finally – do not stress! The free market system is tough and takes some getting used to. It will take awhile for you to get steady work, and that is totally normal. And even once you’ve made those connections, there’s a lot of up and down in the work cycle for a junior associate, at least at my firm. So don’t freak out, get to know the people around you, and before you know it I’m sure you will be hard at work, wishing you still had that free time :)

  26. omg ice!!! i didn’t and my head looked like a gourd for weeks. my sister filled the cups of a bikini top and tied it around her head so the packs were held tight to each cheek and she looked totally normal in like 4 days (but ridiculous while icing).

Comments are closed.