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Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
Two unrelated questions, one more fun than the other:
1. What perfume are you wearing this summer? I’m alternating between Juliette Has a Gun Not a Perfume and Hermès Un Jardin Sur La Lagune.
2. My bloating is out of control. Depending on time of day, what I’ve eaten, or where I am in my cycle, my stomach seems to grow three sizes. I look four months pregnant, easily. It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering maternity pants just to deal with it. This all started after 35. My doctor doesn’t seem concerned, but it’s driving me crazy! Anyone else dealing with this? It is so frustrating.
Ribena
I have been mostly wearing a lime & basil body spray from the drugstore – but I went to the Dior exhibit at the V&A in London yesterday and now want to pick a perfume from that stable. Probably Miss Dior.
anne-on
I have been mostly wearing a lime & basil body spray from the drugstore – but I went to the Dior exhibit at the V&A in London yesterday and now want to pick a perfume from that stable. Probably Miss Dior.
Diana Barry
I am wearing La Colle Noire today, it is so yummy :)
Anon
For your second question, following with interest. I’m size 6 in the mornings, but easily bloat to a size 10/12 after a full dinner. I’m resorting to a lot of stretchy sheath dresses for the summer. It seems to be somewhat better if I work out at least 3 times a week (apparently it’s highly correlated with losing muscle around my midriff) and stay away from refined carbs, alcohol, sugar and dairy. But eat a piece of cake and immediate bloating will ensue!
Anonymous
This sounds like Jennifer Anniston syndrome. She has been pregnant! with twins! for the better part of a decade. It is probably just a burrito (or it is on me).
Sort of wishing that they made sans-a-belt pants for women.
Anon
Except Jennifer Aniston is not bloated at all and the rumors about her are just made up because she’s a movie star. It’s kind of insulting to imply that an ultra-thin woman regularly looks 4 months pregnant. She does not.
Worry about yourself
Right. If people say she looks pregnant, I hate to think of what people might be saying about my tummy.
Anonymous
I think this comment is mocking gossip magazines.. not actually saying she looks pregnant
Ellen
I wish I looked like Jennifer, and I am 6 years younger then she is. I also do get kind of bloated in the evening, but find that if I eat alot of roughage (salad, figs, prunes) before I go to bed, I usueally get rid of all of that bloating in the morning when I go to the bathroom. I do not have to worry about pregnancy now that I dumped by ex, but I also do not have to deal with UTIs any more, as he never showered when I came home and he wanted $ex. FOOEY on him.
Anon
I have similar bloating issues and I try to keep them in check with eating fewer carbs and sugar (easier said than done) and especially avoiding the bread basket and anything fried (instant bloat!). There are anti-inflammatory foods/tricks that help. Putting a splash of apple cider vinegar and a squeeze of lemon in my water in the afternoons helps me the most. Certain teas: green tea, detox tea blends, dandelion root, peppermint, licorice. Cinnamon is an easy one as you can add this to coffee, oatmeal, yogurt, etc. All of these things have other health benefits too. I’d also try to recognize what your body tolerates because it’s different for everyone, even if everyone is slightly affected by things like gluten. For example, are you tolerating beans, grains, high starch vegetables, or broccoli with minimal bloating? Even a healthy salad with some black beans, quinoa, and corn might be the culprit of bloating.
anon
Chamomile tea also helps me. I’ll have to try the apple cider vinegar and lemon!
Anonymous
I’m not bloating (sounds like a food sensitivity?). But thanks to being able to afford delicious food, I am regularly able to outeat my metabolism and therefore my clothes. And my plans to exercise are always mentally planned for later.
What do we say to the god of the gym?
NOT TODAY!!!
Anon
This level of bloating went away for me when I stopped eating gluten and dairy. I still eat refined carbs in the gluten free substitutes and don’t get that level of bloating. For me, it was food intolerances, not just unhealthy foods.
Anonymous
My belly bloating improved a lot after I strengthed my core. The loose ab muscles were making the bloating look a lot more than it was. YMMV of course but it helped me.
LawyerAnon
I had the bloating issue start up after I had my kids. It seemed to be related to weakened ab muscles. I’ve focused on core strength and that, together with being better about drinking water, seems to have helped.
And I love perfume! Lately I’ve been wearing Diptyque Ofresia, Ineke Balmy Days and Sundays, and Guerlain Eau Imperiale. I also really like a lot of the scents from Dawn Spencer Hurwitz. She has a very subtle light musk called Evolution that’s beautiful in summer. Quite a few gorgeous rose scents there, too.
Anon
Perfume: Un Matin d’Orage by Annick Goutal
Bloating: Always.
Anonymous
Perfume: Le Labo Santal 33, not particularly summery but I just love it and wear it year round.
Bloating: Perhaps keep a food diary, keeping track of what foods make you feel bloated and not bloated?
Anon
Check to see if you’ve added a lot of high FODMAP foods. You could ask for a referral to a nutritionist/dietician. I just went to one for advice on how to get enough calcium when I’m lactose intolerant and have GERD (I can’t eat kale for every meal!) and mentioned that I was struggling with what appeared to be a lot of bloating. Turns out that my enthusiastic participation in my home-from-college son’s vegetarian cooking meant I was eating a very, very high FODMAP diet inadvertently. Backing off into a low FODMAP diet has solved a lot of those issues and I’m slowly adding things back in (NOT the high fructans/GOS category, that clearly caused most of my problems). She recommended Kate Scarlata’s site and Monash University’s resources to learn more. Might be worth just looking over the foods to avoid and seeing if you’ve been eating a lot of those. Cauliflower is the devil as far as I’m concerned, but it’s so trendy now.
Coach Laura
I had bloating and could go up several sizes (and often 3-6 pounds) in one day before I found that I was celiac and gluten intolerant. Dropping wheat/gluten enabled me to lose the bloated feeling and overall made me healthier. Even if you’re not celiac, you could be gluten intolerant and cutting out gluten might be the key. Dairy could also be an issue – or it could be both as I know several people for whom that has been true. It’s worth a try even if you don’t get tested by your doctor for celiac. Blood tests for celiac are unreliable (a lot of false negatives) and some people can be intolerant without it showing on the tests.
Anon
So far, I have avoided the Prime day temptations, but I am in need of new leggings/yoga pants. Anyone have recc’s for favorites found on Amazon?
Seriously Leggings Can Wait a Day
Not crossing a picket line.
Anonymous
+1
Worry about yourself
And if they can’t wait, pretend it’s the 90’s and go to an actual store.
Z
For real. Aerie is having a sale on leggings today…
Horse Crazy
+ 1 million
Anonymous
pssssst your privilege is showing
Anon
Right, because everybody DESPERATELY NEEDS leggings. Eye roll.
NOLA
No idea if they’re on sale, but my favorite leggings are Hue Ultra wide waist band. They’re a thick cotton.
Anon
Agree. These are also my favorite leggings – I don’t even wear my other pairs anymore. Not the best for working out, but great for any other time.
Anon
Also, I usually get them in a 2 pack from Costco if you have a membership
NOLA
Oh, for sure, I don’t wear them to work out. For working out, I wear Old Navy compression leggings or long shorts.
Yoga Pants
90 Degree By Reflex Womens Power Flex Yoga Pants — they are seriously the best. Wide waistband, thick material, very affordable ($20), come in a million colors. They are all I buy anymore and I regularly get compliments when I wear them. I mostly wear a small, but size up to a medium for these because I don’t like my midsection to feel constricted at all when I run.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 these are great, but wait until after prime day. They don’t look like they’re on sale anyway.
iced coffee
90 degree leggings from Amazon are great. I like the high waisted kind with phone pockets. They don’t appear to be on sale for Prime Day, but they’re pretty inexpensive anyway.
pugsnbourbon
I also like the 90 degree line and have found them at Marshall’s/TJMaxx.
Anonymous
Zella brand at N-strom anniversary sale!
In-House in Houston
I just got the Deal of the Day for a Kindle Paperwhite – the bundle was $199 but $50 off which includes the Kindle, leather cover and charger. I think this is a great deal. I bought my husband a Kindle Fire years ago and I’m going to surprise him with this new Kindle. Thanks to those to posted yesterday about the Paperwhite!
Anon
This is a somewhat embarrassing question. I’m 30 and I have not had any long term relationship and am still a virgin. For personal reasons, I decided not to do it until I get married. I’m not optimistic about being able to find someone suitable to get married by the time I’m 35 given my track record and the fact that I work long hours. Also, I seem to be a unicorn in that none of my close friends are still virgins. It also doesn’t help that I’m in NY, so everyone around me just assumes that I’m experienced. The few guys I dated all seemed shocked when I told them. At this rate, I can probable be the female version of the Forty Year Old Virgin. Is there anyone else in a similar boat or has been in a similar boat? Were you able to find someone eventually?
Also, after yesterday’s discussions about conceiving through a sperm donor, I started thinking about a back up plan of conceiving through sperm donor if I still can’t find someone suitable by the time I’m 35-40. But if I want to conceive through a sperm donor, does this mean that I need to not be a virgin or it will be extra painful?
Diana Barry
Is your reason for waiting until marriage religious? If so, perhaps online dating s*tes for that religion would be helpful – then you would be able to find like-minded dating partners.
With you there
I waited until I was married, and so did my husband. He was 30 and I was 26 when we married, so we felt a bit like unicorns, too. But I suspect there are more of us than it seems, because people don’t talk about it, and definitely it’s not portrayed in media as anything other than freakish. FWIW, it was a religious thing for us, and we met at church. I know a lot of people who found similar unicorns (or people who at least got it) on religious dating s!tes, too, though.
Anon
Have you had pelvic exams and pap smears? If so, I don’t think conception/birth would be any more painful than for a non virgin.
Anon
I was you at 30. I didn’t start dating until 25, had had a handful of short-term relationships but nothing that lasted long enough for me to be comfortable enough to broach the subject of gardening. And then as I got older I got increasingly embarrassed to admit that I’m a virgin. Moreover, I don’t fall for guys easily, and guys that I was interested in (who pursued me) increasingly assumed I wasn’t interested in them because I wouldn’t garden until we were exclusive (and, in my 20s strewn with doormat romances, didn’t know how to communicate this)…so no gardening transpired.
I’m not personally opposed to gardening before marriage myself, but as it happens maybe 50% of my friends were still virgins at this point due to similar lack of romantic history (or out of embarrassment, or anxiety, or personal beliefs), so you’re definitely not alone! We weren’t particularly religious, although from a somewhat socially conservative subset of community.
I entered in a relationship with my now longtime BF a little after my 31st birthday (knock on wood that he will co tinue to be mine!). After a few months of walking around the elephant in the room and him pursuing me, I disclosed that I had never been with a guy. And while evidently surprised, BF said right out that I shouldn’t feel any pressure to do anything I’m not comfortable with. I think the conversation actually sets apart the “bad boys (I had an ex who told me it’s the worst thing you can tell a guy, further adding to my embarrassment)” from the “good guys” — that conversation made it a lot easier for me to trust him and eventually garden with him on a timeline I was happy with. My friends have met and broken up with various guys after their 30th birthday, some who have chosen to garden with them, others not.
Just wanted to say that you’re not alone, you absolutely get to decide who you garden with and when, and that the right guy for you will understand that.
anon for this
I have a similar story, and I was also in this same boat at 30 (and 31, and 32, and 33…). I’m 35 now. My wonderful BF reacted to my inexperience like the guy in the story above (kindly, and without judgment). I wasn’t waiting for marriage, so I don’t know (and I haven’t asked) whether that would have made a difference to him. I suspect we would have made it work somehow.
One piece of advice that I read somewhere during my single years: your inexperience (and frankly, your values) are extra filtering mechanisms that will help you sort out the men who aren’t right for you. Try not to let your embarrassment (if you feel that) about this one thing hold you back.
Anonymous
Second the filtering comment!
I think it’s telling how people respond to something like that and will give you an idea of their maturity and communication skills.
Anonymous
Well, you must know that it really is very unusual to be a Virgin at 30. And perfectly fine if it works for you but yes, no one will assume you’re a virgin. Idk why you’re waiting or why you think it will take you 5 years to find someone but I’d encourage you to do some reading about your body because your question about IUI demonstrates a lack of knowledge.
Anon
This is nonsense – lots of people are virgins until marriage and lots of women are still single at 35. There is not a ton of overlap between those groups because people who are committed to waiting until marriage tend to be religious and marry younger, but maybe she isn’t religious or just hasn’t met the right person. Lots of 35 year old single women post here without getting mocked. And I don’t know anything about IUI specifically but pelvic exams are much more painful as a virgin (my doctor literally told me “the p*nis stretches you out”) so it doesn’t indicate a lack of awareness about your body to think having medical instruments up there is less painful once you’ve had p-in-v intercourse.
Anonymous
I’m not mocking her. It is statistically extremely unusual to be a Virgin at 30 in the US. It’s perfectly fine for her to be, but she should educate herself on her body. And every thirty year old woman should have had a full pelvic exam Virgin or not.
Anon
P*nises do not stretch you out. You might be a little more relaxed if you have experienced penetration before, but you are not “stretched out” from having sex. Please do not spread misinformation. The incels do enough of that for everybody.
Anon
Again, this is a literal quote from a (s*x positive) OBGYN. I was not a virgin at the time and she said it as a positive thing, like this is easier for you than it would be if you hadn’t had p-in-v intercourse. What on earth does this have to do with incels!?!
ER
I’m curious why you think that is misinformation? It is absolutely consistent with my own experience — penetration to a lesser degree than childbirth, though. Also consistent with what my own doctors have told me.
Anonymous
We all have our bubbles. People who are demi, and/or risk averse and/or romantics often wait until they’re in a relationship with a lifelong commitment. Maybe it’s uncommon if you’re pulling from “all human beings,” but it’s not particularly uncommon in subsets.
Anonymous
Yes literally I said it is uncommon in the US population. Obviously it is common in the subset of people who don’t have sex.
Anonymous
But most of us don’t consider “the US population” our dating pool, right? My point is that we can usually shift our circle of acquaintance to include more people who are like us on one or another metric.
cbackson
I agree with most of this, but I do want to say something on the specific issue of pain – there are a lot of myths out there about this is and they’re often not dispelled by doctors.
The muscles within the v*gna aren’t stretched by s*x – laxity in those muscles is affected by age and childbirth, but not by penetration. The hymen IS stretched by penetration – but it can also be stretched by other activities (sports, using tampons, etc.), and many women don’t have much of a hymen in the first place. I have my first pelvic exam before I’d had s*x but I didn’t have much of a hymen so I didn’t feel a ton of discomfort (other than just due to nervousness, etc.). I have friends who’d actually HAD s*x but did have a lot of discomfort because the hymen wasn’t entirely ruptured. And I have friends who are very experienced but find pelvic exams super painful because they have trouble relaxing the pelvic floor muscles.
I share this only because there are women who feel like it SHOULD hurt/be tighter/etc. if they’re virgins and are ashamed if it doesn’t and think something is wrong with them. The religious culture that surrounded me growing up (not in my family, fortunately – my mom was a s*x ed teacher but in my community) definitely implied pain with first s*x was the definitive sign of virginity and it created a lot of baggage.
The upshot: it might hurt, it might not – and if the OP has never had a pelvic exam before, it’s important to tell the doctor that! There are things they can do to make the first pelvic exam experience more comfortable, including using a smaller speculum, explaining what will happen before hand, using a plastic speculum, etc.
asdef
I wasn’t a virgin at my first pelvic exam, but it was still a complete nightmare. I thought a pap smear involved a sample of fluid from inside the labia, perhaps taken with a qtip. I was both shocked and horrified to discover what it actually involved, while it was being done to me. Now, since I know what to expect (and lost all modesty after having a kid) it’s a 5 minute routine thing.
+1
Pelvic exams are SUPER uncomfortable for me, as are tampons, and I have been gardening for a long time now. Bodies are different.
Ellen
I wish I looked like Jennifer, and I am 6 years younger then she is. I also do get kind of bloated in the evening, but find that if I eat alot of roughage (salad, figs, prunes) before I go to bed, I usueally get rid of all of that bloating in the morning when I go to the bathroom. I do not have to worry about pregnancy now that I dumped by ex, but I also do not have to deal with UTIs any more, as he never showered when I came home and he wanted $ex. FOOEY on him.
Ellen
I agree, but also it really depends on who the man is, his size, and when you first started having $ex. I have been with more men having $ex with me then I want to count, but most all of them were very small, so while I am not a virgin I must be considered small b/c my OBGYN’s examinations always irritating and I am very glad when they are over and I am on my way home.
Anon
This is such a dismissive response. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way, assume good intentions, but it comes off as incredibly judgmental and condescending.
with you there
Yes, this kind of reaction is why people don’t talk about it and why OP feels alone.
Veronica Mars
You can have a full gyno exam as a virgin (unless you’re concerned with your hymen, in which case, you would need to have a full pelvic exam before you decided to try artificial insemination). This involves speculums (may not be the right word but don’t want to google right now at work) and the doctor inserting his/her fingers into you to make sure that they can’t feel any cysts, that everything looks right, etc. Once you’ve done that, you can be reasonably sure that penetration and/or artificial insemination will go smoothly. However, if you have never successfully used tampons or were able to comfortably insert fingers in yourself, you may have a condition called vaginismus, which I would recommend you seek treatment for sooner rather than later.
In any event, medical stuff aside, I was in a similar boat. I was an atheist all through my teens, but was also a wallflower and was focused on doing well in school. I really had no interest in dating and therefore was a virgin in my twenties— at that point, God found me (not “I found God” because He really deserves all the credit for pursuing me and showing me His presence)(which is a story, happy to share). Anyway, at that point I was a virgin in my mid-twenties and now suddenly deeply convinced of Jesus’s divinity and the goodness of God, which extended to my believing that I should wait until marriage. I felt all the same things–like I was NEVER going to find someone for me, that I couldn’t expect a guy to wait for me… I also felt very insecure and inadequate when it came to dating. Like, I knew my value as a worker and as a friend and as an overall person, but as someone’s girlfriend??? I’d never been that or experienced that and so therefore felt like I was “less than.” I knew it was irrational but I still felt the same. Long story short, I did meet the love of my life, who felt exactly the same way. We’re married now, and it was incredibly worth it both spiritually and emotionally to wait. It can and does happen– be open and clear about your beliefs and keep searching until you find your match!
Anonymous
As Hannah says “I’ve had s3x and Jesus still loves me!”
anononon
How lovely.
Anon
If you’re a woman, you’re a virgin by choice. You could lower your standards and sleep with some troll, but why? I’m sure you have many amazing things about you – your interests, your personality, your relationships. Whether or not you’ve spent 5 minutes letting a man stick his penis inside you is almost irrelevant to what your life is and can be. If it happens, it happens, but it doesn’t make you a freak to have not done it yet. I think people place too much importance on the label.
Xx
Oh golly. Yes. Plus one
Anon
A lot (the majority?) of women doing IUI are lesbians. Some lesbians have been with a man, but many haven’t. So I definitely don’t think you’ll be the first artificially inseminated penis virgin they see.
Anonymous
They don’t use a massive d1ld0 to do IUI.
Anon
Most pregnancies are confirmed with a transv*ginal ultrasound, and the probe actually kind of is a d!ldo. My friends who have done IUI/IVF have had more TV ultrasounds than people who conceived without assistance – I think when they are stimulating you with hormones they like to do more ultrasounds to make sure your ovaries, etc. are doing ok. And of course the baby is way bigger than a p*nis, but either you have dr*gs or the pain of childbirth is so intense that it doesn’t matter what your situation down there was to begin with. But stretching yourself out to prevent tearing in childbirth IS a thing (look up perineal masasge). You don’t need a partner to do that, of course.
ER
There are plastic inserts of increasing size that you can buy on Amazon (sort of like d*ld0s) that are specifically intended to stretch out your cervix, or gain/regain comfort with penetration. They can be helpful for people with a variety of medical and personal histories, and they might help alleviate your concerns about a pelvic exam and/or vaginal delivery. FWIW I do not think pain during vaginal delivery would be significantly affected by whether or not you are a virgin. I think it would depend a lot more on your responses to your own hormones and any pain medication.
Ladies, in the year of 2019 we do not need to wait for regular heterosexual intercourse to be in charge of our bodies!
Lana Del Raygun
I don’t think it’s a good idea to stretch out your cervix, especially if you’re planning to get pregnant at some point.
anon
They dont stretch out your cervix, they teach your pelvic floor how to accommodate pene tration.
Waited
We were younger, but waited until we were married. Ours was partly religious, so maybe that is a way to find someone similarly minded.
I think your location makes a big difference, as it is more common for us in SEUS. I am glad I waited and that my husband did as well.
However, I have friends who waited, who married men who did not and they still have lovely relationships. I think this is something you should do for your (or for you + informed by your faith, if applicable) and not worry about what anyone else says.
ValkyrieLawyer
I was in the same boat–you’re definitely not alone. I waited (for religious reasons) and ended up meeting my now-husband at age 37. He is an atheist, and experienced (he had no reason to wait), but was (and is) very kind, understanding, and respectful of my views and choices. I wish you all the best and hope that you find good people who treat you and your views/choices with respect! If they don’t, they’re not worth your time.
Anon
This past April I was given a promotion to manage a department. While the pay increase went through immediately, my boss has not only not announced this to anyone, but he hasn’t even told the team I’m managing that I’m their manager.
My boss has told me that he will be the one to tell my team I’m their manager, and so I keep reminding him to do it. He keeps saying he will do it in a few days but then just forgets and never does it. All while expecting me to do things that would imply I’m their manager.
What was initially a really happy time finding out I got a promotion I’ve worked several years toward has become a very demoralizing experience. I’m a manager but nobody knows it. At my firm big announcements are made when a promotion happens. I don’t even have an office like all the other department managers. Right after my boss told me he was promoting me he hired a male intern who I’m managing and who he gave the only open office to. I’m still in a cubicle with the rest of my team. I can’t go above him because of office politics and because he’s very important in the firm, and I don’t want to damage my relationship with him. I don’t know what to do and am feeling resentful.
Anonymous
Assuming this is a real post and not a made-up story (it has that whiff to me, as do other posts today), this is …absurd.
If your company is big enough to have offices and cubicles and departments and teams and managers, it has HR. March down there today and start dealing with this.
Anon
Not the OP, but I spent 10 years in a Fortune 100 company and have seen similar situations. Somebody would get promoted, but it would take months for an announcement to go out and the employees on the team to be notified. Sometimes, the upper management has control issues and wants to review and approval everything but this gets pushed to the bottom of their list. Or, they need to have private talks with the folks who wanted the promotion but didn’t get it. Usually it’s that people in charge are just terrible managers.
I’m surprised how many people suggest marching down to HR to complain. It usually alienates your management. It’s a lot more effective to bring this up in a straightforward way.
NOLA
The story about the office and the male intern was on here before. Could be the same person, or just a made-up story.
Tasdevil
You need to follow up on the raise even if you can’t do anything about the office, You will eventually need to look into finding another job. These people value your contribution, but not enough to give the appropriate pay or perks.
CHL
I don’t even have advice except that that sounds incredibly incredibly weird. And I would probably be taking my new official title shopping for other jobs because SO WEIRD!
Anon
I think you have posted before that the intern is a summer associate and that the team you manage involves lawyers but you are staff/non-lawyer. In many legal offices it is not unusual for the lawyers (including summer associates) to have offices and for the non-lawyers not to. What type of managing are you doing of the lawyers? Are you overseeing how much work they have? Helping scheduling for vacation time? Tracking billable hours? It will help to know your role to give you more precise advice. That said, in every law firm I’ve worked in, it has been very frustrating for the office manager as no matter what he/she does or says, he/she really can’t control the lawyers. They are going to do what they want and the partners usually don’t care. You end up just being the person coming around and nagging them to enter their billables or submit their vacation slips.
Anon
OP here. Thanks for the response. No lawyers on my team. We are all in specialized and more technical roles. It’s hard to go into detail without revealing more, but we don’t do administrative work. It is a law firm though and I report to a partner, who previously oversaw my department, among a million other things that he does. He handed that role off to me.
Anonymous
But the question is, is the intern a summer associate?
Anon
Without more details, we can’t give any helpful advice. I frankly can’t think of any true technical, non-attorney roles in law firms where there are enough people to consist of an entire department. Without more, I think you are overselling your value to the law firm. IME, and not saying it is right, but law firms view their attorneys very differently than they staff. The fact that you keep talking about an “intern” without noting that it is a summer associate is a sign that you don’t get law firm culture and how very much value it places on lawyers (which in some sense makes sense, since that is what the clients are paying for).
OP
He is a law clerk. I get what you are saying but I have another female law clerk interning in my department that I also oversee and she sits in a cubicle. I’ve been here for several years and they just don’t put law clerks in offices. We have several right now in other departments and some are even sharing work spaces. It’s a huge firm with several departments. Managers of these departments, even non attorneys, all have offices because we have to have one on ones with our staff and do reviews, etc.
Anonymous
I work in a large firm that has numerous departments, many staffed exclusively by non-attorneys and also managed by non-attorneys. Our summer associates also don’t get offices unless they’ve already been hired on as a regular associate and are getting ready to take the bar. We also rarely hire new grads. It’s usually after they’ve been practicing for a few years.
Coach Laura
You’ll have to approach the partner again in order to get anywhere. Don’t go to HR, especially in a law firm against a partner – nothing good will happen.
I think you should make your case to the partner that you can’t do the job without the acknowledgment of your promotion. Outline several events where you can’t supervise adequately, can’t get the job done etc. You should include the need for an office in this because if managers at your firm regularly get offices for 1-1s etc then you need that too. (Most firms/companies give any manager with direct reports an office for this reason.) You can mention that the intern has the office that you need. If he is only temporary, indicate to your manager that you want approval to move in when the intern is done with his summer job or whatever. If the intern is not temporary, then you might need to suggest that the intern find another office. If the intern is a son of a partner or related to someone with pull, you may not be successful if you can’t find him an office and he’s not temporary. I don’t think it is possible to get what you need without steeling your resolve and talking to partner and convincing him of a true business need to have both title and office. Good luck!
Anonymous
Just chiming in to say that at we also have a few departments with several people who aren’t lawyers but who are in specialized roles, and they are not paralegals. The managers of these specialists, at least here, are also not attorneys. Law clerks get cubicles here unless they are working on confidential projects. Every firm is different. You know your office culture. I’m sorry someone said up thread that you are overselling your value. I agree with the person below who said that you need to make the case why your boss needs to announce this and why you need the office. Good luck.
Jane
I also work in a large firm and can kind of picture the role you are talking about. I agree it’s weird, especially if others in your position are treated differently as you say. I also don’t agree that you are “overselling your value to the firm” as someone else wrote. That isn’t helpful. You got a promotion and you should feel happy about it. Maybe schedule a meeting with your boss and go over your concerns.
Irish Midori
Any ideas for a b-day gift for my MIL? I’m at a loss. Will probably order online as I’m out of state. She doesn’t need “stuff,” and in fact recently asked to borrow my Marie Kondo book. Maybe some magical organization tools? She’s admired my roomba–is that too pedestrian? I know she’d love one.
TorontoNewbie
How about her own copy of Marie Kondo? And a roomba isn’t pedestrian if you know she’d lobe one.
Although maybe not both of those together because that might imply you think she’s a slob.
Laura B
I would be so happy if someone gave me a roomba.
Anon
Yes, I would be thrilled. It’s very unlikely I’d buy it for myself (falls into the same category as Dyson) but I would love it.
Manhattanite
Experience gifts! I’ve gotten my MIL and FIL gift certificate tickets to their local theater, wine tasting class, off beat walking tours. You could also do a cooking class, painting class.
Horse Crazy
What should I get my SO (not married) for our 7-year anniversary? He likes cigars (which I know nothing about), whiskey, cars, gardening (actual gardening…well, both kinds lol), and our area’s hockey and baseball teams. Price range is about $150.
Anonymous
A set of good tickets to the game that come with parking?
anon
This or some experience that you can get for each other to do together since it is your anniversary?
Z
My SO has very similar interests. For Christmas I bought him 2 books about cars and a bottle of very spicy but still edible hot sauce.
That’s a good price range for a nice bottle of whiskey too. You can stop by and nice liquor store and ask for suggestions.
Otherwise.. tickets for a hockey or baseball game? A new jersey with his favorite player’s name?
Busybee
Yesterday’s Money Diaries featured a writer who used ecstasy. I was surprised by many of the commenters who said casual hard drug use is very common among professionals. Is this true? I’m an attorney in a large NE city and would be stunned if I learned that one of my acquaintances did drugs. Am I just naive? I’m neither cool nor rich so maybe I’m just not traveling in the drug circles.
Anon
I am super square (never even tried pot in college) but when I worked in Big Law in the Bay Area, I knew a few attorneys who did cocaine at least occasionally (I never witnessed it, but heard the people in question talking about it – it’s possible they were exaggerating/making it up, although I don’t think so). Tech can be quite dr*ggy too, but more LSD/ecstasy/shrooms. I guess I’m somewhere in between you and the Money Diaries people – I don’t think it’s “super common” but I do think it’s naive to think none of your acquaintances do it.
anon
Almost every place I’ve worked had known drug users, and there were rarely any consequences until years down the road when the addiction got extreme. And openly talking about partying with everything was accepted with thin excuses for leaving early or missing work on monday. Some of these were office jobs and some were skilled blue-collar jobs.
One of the reasons I like my current job is the truly anti-drug culture, associated with our work and supported by HR.
Anon
I never realized how many people I knew were drug users until I had some medical issues where they knew I had the “good” drugs and they came a knocking. My husband was in law enforcement when one of his high school buddies offered (seriously, not in a joking way) to buy my leftover meds off of me. He (the buddy) thought this was perfectly normal.
I was also in LA once and witness people using cocaine in the ladies bathroom with no attempt to hide it at all. The same way you would put on makeup. We were in a trendy area with nice bars but nothing super swanky where the stars would go or anything. I was that geek like, um, excuse me, I just need to wash my hands real quick. I thought stuff like that only happened on TV.
Anon
The same thing happened to me at a club in Montreal and I had the exact same reaction, down to “um I need to wash my hands” and thinking that only happened on TV.
Anonymous
Drugs are shockingly common in the corporate world. Now I have a job that requires a security clearance so I suspect my colleagues don’t do drugs like at previous offices.
Worry about yourself
Sure, plenty of “normal” people I know have experimented with cocaine or ecstasy. Of course, I don’t know off the top of my head how many are hardcore professionals like lawyers or accountants, but plenty of them have solid, established corporate careers; but it wouldn’t shock me if cocaine was common among hardworking, suited-up professionals, since they’re the ones who can afford it. As long as people are being safe about it – they’re not missing work because of it, showing up to work high or snorting coke in the bathroom, OR stealing from the company to support their habit, and they’re abstaining when a drug test is likely, it’s pretty easy to use them casually and have your coworkers be none the wiser.
Not that I’ve done it, hard drugs scare me. I’d like to experiment with weed gummies though.
Anon lawyer
Am a lawyer in a very large Southern market and have been in both big law and in house. I don’t know ANYONE who actually does or will admit to doing hard drugs (casual and medicinal weed use, definitely is big though). It’s career suicide and people are always wondering if you’re sober. Whoever wrote that are probably young 20 somethings without actual careers. You can do hard drugs when neither you nor anyone else gives a sh*t about your job. But most professionals, actual professionals with real careers, have a lot to lose. I feel really badly for the people that said that, they’re in a terrible influence bubble.
cbackson
In ATL and agree with this.
Anonymous
In ATL and disagree. Less common now than 5-10 years ago, but I know lots of lawyers who do use/did use.
Anon
In D.C., politics-adjacent, and also concur.
Anon
Huh – I used to work in big law and there was a lot of coke in our NY and Miami offices. It seemed less common in other offices, although I always assumed there was a lot going on that I (a non-drug user) didn’t know about. The people involved were attorneys who were otherwise serious about their careers.
Anonymous
I think that NYC and Miami are totally different than the rest of the country. It’s like being an exchange student in Amsterdam or a guy at a convention in Vegas: just b/c you do Things when you are There, does not mean you do Things elsewhere in the world.
Anon
I guess. But the people in question live there, so their behavior in these cities IS part of their normal lives. It’s not a “three days in Vegas for a bachelor party” kind of thing.
Anon
I think there is a geographic impact to this. I’m in DC, and the few people I know who have acknowledged doing hard drugs are the rare exception. I’m sure it happens some, but it is not public. From friends in NYC biglaw, it is different there (at least in their firms).
+1
In SEC country. Hard agree on this.
Anonymous
You’re naive. Did NYC biglaw and yeah there were partners and a few associates using — cocaine, speed, and a prescription drug that mimics speeds. One of them would then take downers to sleep. And this was a “nice” firm where the hours pressure wasn’t tremendous compared to other firms.
Anon
+1 I’m a total square/generally pretty oblivious to these types of things and drug use in biglaw is rampant. And that’s only the stuff I pick up on so I imagine there’s a lot more going on than I realize.
Rainbow Hair
Yeah, when I worked in Big Law in NYC, cocaine was all over the place (not for me, thanks). Mostly for party purposes but sometimes for work (EESH).
I’d guess about 1/2 the people I know who you’d call “professionals” have occasionally used (or do occasionally use) hallucinogens or the whole shebang I think of as “pills” (can you tell that’s not my jam?) — a bigger contingent uses cannabis. For example, I had a respected senior colleague tell me about his “three things” rule — that at one party you can do two things (weed and booze, booze and pills, etc.) but you can’t add the third thing, because that’s when you’ll be too far gone. I’m firmly in the “one thing” camp, because I’m a risk averse control freak, but I’m not gonna judge either.
Anonymous
I’m in biglaw in Canada and weed is legal here, so it’s not even really considered a “drug” and most of the professionals I know smoke weed at least occasionally. Cocaine is super common and isn’t even really seen as a “hard” drug because most people (in my age group at least – I’m 29) have tried it and/or use it fairly regularly. Not in a dark way, it’s just always at parties. I’m not personally aware of anyone using it at work, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Many young professionals also definitely use MDMA on the weekend ie. at music festivals/shows. And lots of people have stimulant prescriptions that they use for work. So yeah, I’d say naive – these are super common in my experience. Maybe it depends on where you live.
Never too many shoes...
Fellow Torontonian here, boutique civil litigation shop and I concur with all of the above.
Equestrian attorney
I’m in Canada too. Weed is widespread (and legal), but not so much in my professional circles (lawyers, finance, tech). Cocaine is a thing, but not as open as described above, and I have never seen it openly discussed at work. I don’t know anyone who uses MDMA regularly (but I’m not big on festivals, or at least prefer festivals with a more casual vibe).
As mentioned on a previous thread, cocaine was extremely common at my fancy high school (although I never did it) so I wouldn’t be surprised if a lot of people still used later on.
Anonymous
We’ve had discussions before about hard drug use in prep schools and elite colleges. I am sure at least some of the same people continue with what’s worked out for them so far!
Bean74
Was anyone else scared stupid by the story of Regina Morrow in the Sweet Valley High series? She had a (IIRC, unknown) heart murmur, did coke once and died from it. That story alone is the main reason why I’ve never tried anything harder than weed.
Anon
Yes, that and Pulp Fiction are seriously the main reasons why I’ve never used dr*gs.
Anon
I think you’re asking in the wrong place. The demographic here is not exactly hip or cool.
busybee
Well that’s why I was asking here. The MD commenters were remarking that drug use is prevalent among professionals–like lawyers, accountants, etc. I was interested in what professionals like most of the readers here had to say about it. Based on many of the comments here, it is true that professionals are using hard drugs, at least in certain areas. I still can’t wrap my head around attorneys doing illegal drugs, but I guess it’s a thing in certain places.
anon
Can someone explain why Boise is suddenly such a hot real estate market? I mean, red necks and the religious right, smoke and heat in the summer, and inversion layers and cold in the winter…But suddenly it’s supposed to be the next best thing if you can’t afford Seattle.
My similar, nearish, city also seems to be suddenly gentrifying, to such an extent that DH and I are pushed out even as DINKs with two of the best paid jobs in town. We’re stuck here, but why are people from out of town spending so much money on crummy houses in a not very nice place?
Anonymous
IDK — I think that Omaha is hot right now. Sioux Falls feels similarly (for a city of 200K with a harsh winter).
CA is so d*mn expensive that their refugees are everywhere. I guess they are tired of 3 hour commutes and sidewalk p0op from humans.
Anon
Ding ding ding. Add sidewalk syringes and $4000 median rents for small apartments to the mix too.
Anonymous
Tech jobs.
Anon
Setting aside your offensive use of a classist slur, it’s obvious you’re not outdoorsy.
Housecounsel
I get Boise and Omaha. But Sioux City? I am actually from Iowa and not even I get it!
Vicky Austin
Wait, Sioux City or Sioux Falls?
Anon
The poster above said Sioux Falls (South Dakota). But as a fellow Iowan I find even that a bit baffling (less so than Sioux City though!!)
Housecounsel
UGH I read that too fast. Not Sioux City!
Anon - not op
Is DINK a slur? I thought it was simple nomenclature. Dual income, no kids. Those are facts. I’ve been called and called myself a DINK and had no idea people found it offensive. I thought it was an acronym.
Anon
Not the prior poster, but I assume she is referencing red necks.
Anon
She meant rednecks.
Anonymous
It is. She was referring to redneck as offensive. As someone related to a lot of people who could be considered rednecks, however, I would say most of them don’t find it offensive.
Anon
+1 I would say I’m a recovering redneck and my family are proud rednecks. Not really a slur.
Anon
Haha, +2. Definitely not a slur.
Anon
Definitely not a slur.
Anonymous
It’s not offensive—it’s an acronym. There are lots of eggshell plaintiffs and people dying to manufacture issues on the internet. Ignore and move along–nothing to see here…
Eh
I don’t know why you’re stuck in a place that you clearly hate, but your condescending attitude certainly contributes to your inability to see why others might like it.
anon
“Out of towners” = investors. People/corporations who wished they’d bought property in Seattle/Bay Area before the market was hot/so on fire that no plebs can dare to it.
anon
Yes, I understand that, but Seattle and the Bay Area we always considered pretty nice places to live, at least for most of the 20th century. What is it these out of town investors think they’re seeing now?
anon
They’re seeing potential dollar signs. They’re seeing the same gentrification and migration you’re seeing and they want in on it, even if they’re not going to live there. They know some people will. Also, mountains. What do you want us to say? It’s your city, you know it better than most people commenting. We’re not going to be able to convince you to like the place you live, but the answers to your questions have been supplied.
Anon
This isn’t entirely true. I live in the Bay Area and am job searching in other cities in the West, including Boise, but it’s only partly driven by the fact that real estate is too insane here. It’s more a quality of life thing than anything else. My commute is 3 hours a day, my rent is absurd, the traffic and crowding are awful, and it’s just plain dirty (garbage, feces, needles, weird fluids on BART, etc). I love many aspects of the Bay Area, most notably the natural beauty, but I can find amazing natural beauty in Boise too. I have no plans to buy real estate in the immediate future.
Anon
+1. I fled the Bay Area and the traffic and the length of the commute were the big factors in me wanting to leave. I was/am in Big Law so could have made the housing costs work, at least for a nice townhouse, which would have been fine for our small family.
Anon
I’m in the Bay Area too and while I don’t experience what you’re describing on the daily, I know it’s there. I recently spent a few days at a conference in downtown Seattle and it was basically the same. I don’t know what the answer is.
We are looking at moving away from the Bay Area but within California when we retire. It’s a matter of finding somewhere cheaper to live that we can actually stand, because we love. A lot of what the Bay Area has to offer.
Boise resident
Eyeroll. You do not appear to be looking for a serious answer and the market sets housing prices, so even if you think the houses are too expensive, that is what they’re worth in this market.
It took me a while to warm up to Boise but I love living here (although I’m worried about it turning into a bunch of sprawl). One guy said that Boise is 5s across the board. I don’t think that’s completely accurate, but basically there are no major downsides of living in Boise. The weather isn’t the best, but it isn’t bad either and we get all four seasons. The traffic isn’t terrible, the schools are pretty decent, the food and culture options are good for the size of the city, crime is low, etc. I do think Boise is stellar for access to the outdoors. If you want a decent quality of life and to live in a smaller city, Boise is a good pick, especially if you like outdoor activities. That’s why everyone is moving here.
And if you actually live here, why wouldn’t you ask your neighbors and coworkers what they love about it instead of venting in the comments about not being able to afford to live in a place you have so much contempt for? You don’t appear to have any plans to leave, so why choose to dwell on what you’re unhappy about but are not changing?
anon
I’m not in Boise itself, which is somewhat of a known quantity. What my co-workers and neighbors are saying is, “Everything seems to be at least 25% above it’s actual value…” “I think I’m going to sell, because these prices can’t be real…”
Happened Here
Nashville wasn’t quite as off the radar, but the same exact thing happened here. I’ve found nicer rentals in trips to Chicago. It’s ridiculous.
Most are being turned to short-term rentals and now with Amazon coming, it is even worse. DINK high-income home, can’t afford to buy within a 40ish min. commute (that’s far for old Nashville).
HSA Transition
I recently changed jobs which means that we are changing health insurance plans. Right now, we have an employer based HDHP with an HSA that is in my name. Going forward, we will have health insurance through my husband’s employer that will be a HDHP with an HSA in his name. I don’t think I can roll-over the current HSA into the new one since they are in different names. Do I just spend it down? Convert it into some sort of investment option? I’m going from a W-2 employee to a K-1 so I’m not sure about be able to continue contributions. Thoughts?
Anonymous
Once you’re no longer an employee they typically start charging a monthly fee that I hate to pay. Since they’re not in the same names…not sure you can roll old into new (which is what I have done in the past). Or you can look at transferring it somewhere with lower fees.
Anon
Just spend it down. The money’s yours forever, so have your husband contribute to his HSA to get the tax benefit, but just don’t use any money in your husband’s HSA until yours is spent down.
Anon
I have a relative who wants to ship me a wingback chair (a family heirloom) from the Boston area to the Bay Area. I’m thinking it might make sense to rent space on a truck to get this done (or maybe USPS? not sure). Can anyone recommend any specific companies I should contact for a quote?
Anon
Consider shipping it via Amtrak Express Shipping. Station to Station, it may take a few days but it is cheap. No door-to-door delivery.
BabyAssociate
While I love Amtrak express shipping, they have size requirements and won’t take furniture.
Anon
+1 They definitely don’t take furniture.
Anonymous
Check out Greyhound. They move stuff like this.
lsw
This is fascinating – I didn’t know about either of these options! Wishing I had done this last year instead of paying through the nose to send a giant box through FedEx.
anon a mouse
uShip is perfect for this if you are not in a hurry. They sell excess space on trucks, and you can add on services for them to pack and wrap it.
Anon
Thanks all! Will check out Greyhound and Uship.
Rug-ducation
Talk to me about rugs. I want to order one that I see on Wayfair but I’ve struck out in the past. Either they shed (for years), or are rough and not soft. I don’t know what to look for. I do understand pile height.
The rug I have my eye on is 60% Polypropylene,40% Polyester. Is this a safe enough bet? This will be in a home office so it doesn’t need to be particularly soft (but I did order one once that was like sandpaper… ugh). TIA!
Anonymous
If it comes in multiple sizes, order the tiny one to see if you like it and then return it if you don’t.
Anon
Polypropylene is generally the plastic used in outdoor rugs. I’m not sure about mixing it with polyester – maybe check the outdoor rug section at your local Target and see if you can find anything with that mix of fibers and if you like it.
Coach Laura
I bought the Brandt Tibetan area rug from Wayfair, Mistana brand. It is polypropylene and I think it’s soft. Not soft as a wool Oriental rug but good for a high traffic area and doesn’t feel rough on bare feet. No shedding. Spills bead up on top so easy clean. For <$80, I thought it was well worth the money. We got it when our dog was dying and was prone to having accidents so we thought we'd throw it away after. She didn't have any accidents so we're keeping it for now.
Sundance recs?
Recs for Orem/Sundance/SLC next weekend? I will be there with my husband and 2 kids (4 and 7 y.o.) for a reunion of my husband’s Peace Corps buddies he hasn’t seen in 20 years. We’ll be sharing a house with local friends in Sundance. We have a car. There will be some group activities, but mostly the weekend (July 26-29) is on your own. We like art, farmers markets, (short) hikes, and are happy to take in the scenery (we’re from the Mid-Atlantic/NE). Husband knows of a short hike with a waterfall. Group plans to do “bbq at a resort Sunday night”.
Also, what is the dress code (for dinner?) or the general vibe of the area? I’m neither a mommy blogger nor a full-time outdoor enthusiast :)
Anon
That weekend is historically hottest time of the year and I would stay at higher elevations most of the time, having a place AT Sundance sounds lovely. The state holiday, Pioneer Day, is the 24th and many people will make a long weekend of it. The mountains will be crowded by Utah standards but places like Cascade Springs still worth a visit.
If the children are into dinosaurs the Museum of Ancient Life at Thanksgiving Point ,itself a garden, would be worth a visit.
Utah County (Orem etc) takes Sunday Seriously, even wholesome family activities ( and Utah County is epicenter of wholesome families) may be closed.
I am more familiar with Park City than Sundance dress but assume it is same, especially in summer. At the Tree Room at Sundance one might wear one’s Sundance Catalog boho/ rich cowgirl clothes but generally ordinary casual is fine. It can be fleece- wearing cool at night. You won’t need hiking boots for easy trails but take sturdy shoes. The thin air/ strong sun makes hats prudent.
Sundance recs?
Thank you! I looked at Heber Valley’s website and Cascade Springs, county fair, Harry Potter-themed train ride are all marked. I completely forgot about the Sundance catalog, but I can probably fake it with some Anthro/KnoxRose.
Prior to this leg of the trip, we’ll be in Moab for 3 days..”dry” heat is still no joke. Wish me/us luck :)
Aurora
For whiskey and maybe cigars, look up Tasting Collection. They send you test tubes of whiskey (such as Japanese whiskies, scotch, American Bourbons, etc) in lovely packaging. My MIL got me a set for my 30th and it was one of my favorite gifts ever — I’d never otherwise get to try that many different whiskies side by side like a wine tasting, and I shared them with a couple friends so we all had fun. If you want a gift that keeps on giving, they also have a monthly subscription — maybe do 7 months for your 7 years!
Anonymous
Oops, this was for Horse Crazy above!
Yellow blouse
Is the model leaning stomach out or does this peplum give a size 2 model a pooch? I can’t imagine how this could work on anyone other than a flat stomach because the peplum starts with 6 inches of body con material.
Also, would this pair well with a sweater or blazer (seeing as many of us work in super cold buildings)? I can’t imagine it but I’m also not very creative with clothes.
Anonymous
I don’t know what you’re talking about… she doesn’t look like she has a pooch at all. I don’t think you understand how peplum works.
Anon
That’s why I pondered whether or not she was leaning backward with her stomach/hip bone slightly out because she is clearly a thin woman, but the top looks flared forward and seems like it would mimic a pooch. I know how peplum works, don’t be an idiot so early in the morning. I also know that peplum done right can hid stomach issues but can also make you look heavier than you are if done wrong.
Anon
This top in no way makes her look heavier than she is, and don’t call people idiots for calling you out on your body shaming.
PolyD
Random question – why is it peplum and not A peplum? Is it plural?
This is a light-hearted, but serious question. I feel like when they first started showing up, people would say, This shirt has a peplum. Now it’s, This shirt has peplum. I don’t get it.
Ribena
It’s still *a* peplum, people are just taking shortcuts. Let me introduce you to my pet peeve, ‘oatmeal raisin cookies.’ There’s no such thing as an oatmeal raisin; the cookies are oatmeal and raisin.
Anon
At least in the US, I’ve never heard anyone say “oatmeal and raisin cookies.” Everyone understands that both oatmeal and raisin are descriptors of the cookies. See also “chocolate chip walnut cookies.”
poiu
I mean, there may be oatmeal cookies without raisins but they had better have chocolate chips.
Mpls
Noooooo – oatmeal cookies should have butterscotch chips. Or white chocolate chips. Or both. :)
Anon
You’re definitely wrong on the cookies, Ribena.
Anonymous
I think it’s cute and you’re being weird and shame-y.
Anon
This drives me nuts. This response that OMG I might not look like the thinnest person who ever existed! People might think I have a pooch/look pregnant.
This is a gorgeous blouse. Color is on trend. Shaping is beautiful and interesting. I actually think it would be very slimming but that is beside the point. If you are a thin person even wearing something that has this amount of extra fabric somewhere is not going to make people think you are suddenly OMG FAT.
MagicUnicorn
Third possibility: you are unable to distinguish between a non-body-con shirt and a body.
Anonymous
I soooo wish I could wave a magic wand and make word “pooch” go away and get women to stop worrying about the fact that their stomach curves . . . this is the absolutely normal shape of a woman’s body. On a very lean woman, the stomach curve might be more noticeable because the rest of her body is so lean. So what??
NORMAL.
Housecounsel
I don’t think she has a pooch. I do think the belt is too high on the waist and isn’t flattering.
Yellow blouse
I think that’s it, thank you for actually addressing my question and not going into a projection fest like the other people, so this might work best on a high waisted person.
Anon
Or guys…hear me out – Not all of us are perfectly comfortable with our bodies and there is nothing wrong with dressing in a way that feels comfortable to you – knowing how a shirt might fall on a non model body is important to a fashion site
Guys throwing around “so shamey” which – ok shame is a good thing and keeps humans in check and throwing around “you’re trying to shame me” sort of language is the very think conservatives make fun of us for being so touchy. You are just doing what internet people do (or living in an uncommon Berkeley-esqe liberal the world is pretty flowers world and everyone I know and love is perfectly accepting of everyone), pretend that things you see online do not exist in the context of the real world. In the real world, body positivity is a good thing but many women aren’t there yet to want to show what they see as flaws, whether or not they actually are flaws, to the world.
Obviously this thin model doesn’t have a pooch but if the shirt flares frontward so much that I’m questioning it, a woman with a larger upper or lower tummy (like myself) might be wary.
On the “body con” I was referring to the strap across the middle that is reminiscent of it to me. Again I know what body con is – very form fitting. The strap looks too form fitting to make anyone with an upper belly that they are self conscious about feel comfortable.
Anonymous
Nah you’re just wrong it’s a cute top she looks great
Ariadne
Replying late, but for what it’s worth, I do understand your perspective on this blouse. I have a blouse with this kind of tie, and it does ‘cinch’ my waist in, but for some reason it makes me look fuller (especially in photos recently!) than other tops. I think this is because the ties are a bit high and make my bust look larger. I think the tie is tied too tightly in the photo, and these blouses work better if they are slightly looser, especially in a woven material.
Yellow is my favorite color, and it seems ALL THE YELLOW tops /dresses sell out quickly in my size — I’ve missed the boat on so many yellow items, though I remain optimistic that my dream yellow dress and blouse will materialize one day (I sew too, and yellow fabric/ silk is hart to source) For now, I will content myself with only six tops/ sweaters/ scarves — & would love more because I look good in yellow and it makes me feel good;)
Anon
I think the body con part is really trying to highlight what is usually the narrowest part of a woman’s body – it assumes this is just slightly below the bust, and for my body type that would be accurate. I have a high waist so my narrowest part is below the bust – you might say I have no upper belly, but do have a lower belly so I prefer tops that do not hug me right at/near my belly button.
For the model pictured, the fabric poofs out but I disagree that it’s unflattering on her. It is clear that it’s fabric pooch, not belly pooch.
Anniversary gift for my parents abroad
I’m looking for ideas for an anniversary gift for my parents who are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary soon. There are living abroad (Berlin area), and don’t have a big celebration planned. They like to travel (city trips usually), but also enjoy day trips locally, museums and arts. Not too outdoorsy/activity type people (so no hot air balloon ride or similar).
TorontoNewbje
I made a book on my MacBook with 40 stories from 40 friends over 40 years. It didn’t all line up perfectly (a couple years had 2-3 stories and some didn’t have any) but it was a fun project. A bit time intensive. You can just get it printed and shipped.
anonshmanon
There are a bunch of nice spa hotels in beautiful nature within a 2-3 hour drive. Depends on what you were looking to spend.
Have they been to Dresden? It has a baroque old town, art museums, an opera, and that church that was rebuilt brick by brick after the war.
Not a Fun Guy
Has anyone dealt with toenail fungus? I might have it (seeing a podiatrist in a couple of weeks to confirm, my primary care doc thinks it may actually be a consequence of a circulatory condition) and am really embarrassed by it and worried about it spreading to other nails. It’s so hot outside, I want to be able to wear sandals (which is a healthier choice than sweating in closed-toe shoes) but feel like I need to keep my nails out of sight. From what I’ve read, wearing nail polish is a bad choice because it doesn’t allow the nail to “breath” and creates a more hospitable environment for the fungus (if it is fungus). Looking for someone to commiserate/share their experience. Thanks.
Anonymous
I actually have a dermatologist appointment next week because my toenails are turning white. I’m guessing it’s fungus but I have no idea, and I’m not excited to find out. My understanding is that toenail fungus, once it’s covering most of the nail, is very hard to treat. I’m worried I’ll have to go without nail polish for the rest of the summer, which as you point out, will be awful. So no advice, just commiseration! Another possibility I’ve considered is psoriasis, since I used to have a patch of it on my head, but no idea if that’s really a possibility.
It may be something else
We thought mine was fungus. The white stripping was from “trauma” from all the running and gym rat things I do. It caused my nails to produce more keratin, so I had to use a solution that cleaned it right up after a few months.
I would go to a podiatrist. I found them to be more accurate on things related to the foot.
go for it
Uggh. Sorry you are experiencing this.
I’ve had it twice a number of years apart ~ from pedicures in salons I’d used for years. To rid them it required a very potent prescription & liver testing before the meds & after.
While you wait for your appointment you can 3x daily apply pure tea tree oil with a fresh qtip. It does help with the discomfort; unfortunately in my case, not the discoloration.
FWIW now if salon does not put a liner
In the footbath I decline a pedi.
go for it
Ps, this year myself & a number of friends have banned toe polish. At 1st it felt really odd, now it’s my new preferred!
Still get my maintenance pedi. My men do this all their lives and do not think twice;)
Anon
In the meantime before you see the doctor:
Get yourself some OTC treatment and follow the instructions. Buy single use nail files (the small cardboard ones work well), and gently file away the top layer after showering, then apply the treatment. Repeat.
NYC Girl
I thought I had fungus but my dermatologist confirmed it was just dry nails (from too much polish and not enough moisturizing). My nails were white, brittle and flaking. From what I understand yellow nails are a stronger indication of fungal infection.
Not a Fun Guy
Thanks to everyone who replied so far. I did a round of the oral meds and they didn’t seem to work, which is why my primary care physician thinks this may be something else. However, the oral meds only have like a 70% effective rate to begin with, so I may be part of the unlucky 30%.
I like the idea of single use nail files. I’ve been using VapoRub (which I read online is effective for some people if used for a year or so) but haven’t been filing my nails down first. Maybe that will help.
For those who did have a confirmed case of toenail fungus, did you have to throw out all of your shoes or buy one of those UV ray shoe-sterilizing devices? Or use some sort of chemical spray in your shoes? I’ve heard that can help but am hesitant to use a strong disinfecting spray on a surface my bare skin will be in contact with for long periods of time.
Other Option
The podiatrist I saw–poster above re fungus that was not fungus–had told me that my options were treatment, which included the liver testing, or him removing the nail through laser removal.
He said he hated to do the latter to women due to summer footwear, but it was the most successful course of treatment for most of his patients and most of the time, the women just painted the toe and skin as needed. If it had been fungus, that was my option. I don’t like being on long-term medication, especially not one as potent as this one.
Manhattanite
Been there! I had toe nail fungus that started when I was a child and finally got rid of it at 33. I used an oral anti-fungal. My derm warned me that the fungus could come back and I had to get liver function tests before I started the medication and once while taking it. I took it for three months. Could not drink alcohol while taking it. It worked! I tried many topical antifungal ointments and some had better effectiveness than others, but there were still a few recalcitrant nails, and it always came back. I had the infection for so long that my nail beds were damages and the nails grow with thick grooves now. The toe nail fungus also acted as a reservoir for athletes food, so since I got the nails cleaned up I no longer get athletes foot break outs.
You are absolutely right that you can’t use nail polish while you’re trying to treat the infection topically. You need to get the medicine into the nails. Try lamisil ointment while you’re waiting for your derm appointment.
MJ
I’ve posted about this on here before. I went to a super-fancy salon in Singapore in 2005 with my friend, and lo and behold, took the polish off two weeks later and my toenail was fluorescent green.
I highly recommend an OTC product called Tineacide. It may not be on the shelf at your drugstore, but talk to the pharmacist and they can order it without an Rx. It works. You should file your nail as thin as possible because it needs to penetrate the nail and skin. Apply this morning and night after washing your feet with soap and letting them thoroughly dry. Do not shove “fresh from the shower” feet into shoes. Dry them well. Fungus likes moisture.
You should also clip away as much of the diseased toenail as possible, even if that means cutting your toe very short. This is not fun, but it does help.
In the meantime, you must do the following – buy a spray bottle and isopropyl alchohol. Spray the insides of both feet of all of your shoes. Make sure you leave your closet door open (or the fungus can grow inside your shoes and keep reinfecting you). If you have outdoor space, put all your shoes in the sun for a few days to air out.
You do not necessarily need to do Lamisil and do all the liver tests. This does work. All of this was a regimen from my podiatrist, and it did work.
If it’s summer and you want to wear sandals, throw a bandaid on the offending toe. Remove bandaid as soon as possible.
Cannot recommend Tineacide more highly.
Also, fun, fun…this can come back at any time, even years later. You never are 100% cured, so you need to be vigilant!
Not a Fun Guy
Thanks for the isopropyl alcohol recommendation, I’ll try that! That sounds like it would be better for my skin than Lys0l or a similar product.
Anon
I know it’s late…hope you see this. I had toenail fungus and successfully treated it with multiple laser treatments. See if you can find a podiatrist who does that. Hugely recommended. They gave me a huge plastic bag that could be used to sterilize my shoes (put shoes in bag, drop a tablet into a small container of water that’s in the bag, seal the bag and wait for an hour or so). It cost $150 per treatment (they did all toes). It was great. It stopped the fungus, and then I had to wait until I could grow out a clear toenail.
Anonymous
topical anti fungals don’t really work but you can try. Oral terbinafine works. your pcp can culture a nail clipping to confirm and check your liver function tests before prescribing.
PRK
Anyone out there have PRK? Dr. says I’m a good candidate but looking for more info on how bad the recovery actually is. I have a toddler so that’s definitely a factor to be considered. Also curious about how much you paid – They told me $3750 in a VHCOL city.
Anon
I had PRK 15 years ago. I’m not sure I’d recommend it unless other laser surgeries won’t work for you. I’m a total wimp, and recovery wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t terrible, either. I stacked my pain meds – making sure I overlapped each dose by 30 minutes or so (so taking every 3.5 hours instead of 4) and I wasn’t in pain, though I was deeply uncomfortable. A friend had it the same time I did and wasn’t good about timely taking her meds and she was in absolutely excruciating pain.
But there is absolutely NO way you could be the primary (or really, even secondary) caregiver for a toddler during recovery – from what I remember, you’re in bed unconscious sleeping away the pain or you’ve got a opaque gel in your eyes obscuring your vision.
But I think one of the main reasons I wouldn’t recommend it is because of the lasting side effects I’ve had and my friend has had, too. We both needed glasses/contacts within 2 years – admittedly at a prescription that’s a fraction of what we had before surgery. Does this doc offer “free touch-ups for life”? That’s what this is about. And my night vision is destroyed. I can’t see without halos. It actually makes me super sad that I can’t see the moon clearly or read road signs at night clearly. Google night vision halos and see if you could deal with that for life. (I normally wear contacts, but glare-reducing glasses are a must if I need to drive at night.) And I have chronically dry eyes, too – to the point where my current optometrist is worried about oxygen levels in my eyes. I have to use (and have used for years) OTC gel eye drops every night – otherwise waking up feels like sandpaper.
And I say all this as a patient of one of the most experienced (at that time) surgeons in America. When a new optometrist looks in my eyes, they’re always impressed by how well done the surgery was and that there is no scar tissue. (Nothing is visible to the naked eye – I guess it’s whatever they can see with their scopes.)
Anon
Btw, I’m 37 and had the surgery at 22, so these issues aren’t age-related.
PRK
Thanks – I’m almost 35 so that’s a consideration too. Dr. said PRK has less chance of dry eyes than Lasik, which is why he recommended it. They do free touch-ups for 2 years.
CountC
I haven’t but one of my super tough ultra-running friends did and she was MISERABLE during recovery. When I was looking into Lasik, she actively discouraged me from PRK if I wasn’t a candidate for Lasik, FWIW.
Irish Midori
I had PRK in one eye to touch up Lasik that didn’t quite get the job done. It was fine. I never even took the painkiller they gave me, and my “in bed” recovery was maybe one day. I had it done on a Friday and went to work Monday. Granted, my vision didn’t solidify for about a month, but at least I had the other good eye, so I could drive and read just fine.
Keek
My husband had it just about a year ago and so far, so good. He went to a high-volume practice in NYC. He was absolutely laid out for 2-3 days (like went from bathroom to bed, no way you could take care of anything living including yourself). The doctor explained that side affects frequently come from sub-optimal after care, and definitely said that getting as much shut-eye rest and using medicated and lubricating drops appropriately (i.e., extremely frequently) would lead to best outcomes.
End result has been pretty great, but it probably hasn’t been long enough to see any of the long-term side affects. I think he would take side effects over having to wear contacts again, so we’ll cross that bridge when/if we get to it. Definitely consult with a lot of doctors and read a lot if you do pursue it!
MJ
I had PRK and have posted about it on this s_te before. LInks below to avoid mod.
MJ
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IME, you wouldn’t be able to take care of a toddler in the immediate aftermath (like the day you have the surgery), because as a prior poster said, they dope you up and you have to sleep it off. The recovery takes about 2 weeks, and I was back to work the following Monday after surgery on a Friday. You do one eye at a time, so you have to repeat this though.
anon
I’m looking for a wallet that doubles as a phone clutch. Any favorites out there? Budget is $100 or less. I have an iPhone 8, if that’s relevant. I’m hesitant to make a huge investment knowing that at some point I will get a new phone, the size of which could make the whole wallet obsolete. (I plan to have my 8 for awhile, but can I just say how much I hate that one tech upgrade inevitably leads to even more purchases?)
Anon
My mom ordered something cheap-ish on Amazon and loves it. It’s been surprisingly durable.
Coach Laura
I have a Lodis Audrey RFID Vicky convertible cross body wallet that doubles as a clutch with removable strap. It’s more than $100 unless you get it on sale. It holds my iphone 8 and would hold a bigger one too. In addition to cards, coins and cash, mine also holds keys, lip gloss, earbuds etc but probably not all at the same time. I like it because it’s both a wallet and a clutch and can be used on its own or in my purse.
I’ve also had Baggallini clutch wallets that may or may not be crossbody or wristlet but they are priced under $50. The RFID Flap Wristlet is similar to what I’ve had. Fits multiple sizes of phones.
Hair question
What are people’s thoughts about working with increasing gray (white) hair? My natural color is medium brown and I don’t have a ton of white hair, but enough that I’ve been using permanent dye to cover them. I don’t really like doing this. I feel beauty culture is supposed to be fun and indulgent, and this just feels like a chore (and capitulating to ageism and patriarchy, boo). How do people feel about just having brown and white hair? I have tried it, and I felt like my coloring is dulled somehow (since I’m used to having dark hair). Still, I think I’m going to try again. Does anyone here with gray hair do something differently to sort of brighten their face/coloring–something that IS fun?
Alternatively, has anyone done something totally different, like gotten purple highlights over the white or something? I would also consider that. My style is a little funky and my workplace is not conservative.
Anon
I think the idea that someone who has amazing grey hair is always gracefully embracing their natural self is not realistic. Anyone I’ve ever known that is fully or mostly grey goes to a salon to get white blonde highlights and/or brightening treatments to even out the color, treatments to tone out the yellow, and use smoothing treatments because grey hair tends to be coarser. Yes you can go grey and look fine, but I don’t think there is a way to go grey and look fabulous without putting about as much time and attention as you would maintaining an all over color.
Personally I say do temporary color over your grey if you want to look funky, but keep in mind that your brown hair will take the color as well and may look a little muddy. I love purple and silver grey hair together.
Cadmore
disagree! It takes some work (suavecita is great on the crispy flyaways) but you can do it. Wallyworld even carries the purple shampoo to keep your silver bright.
Embrace change, I don‘t get why men can be silver foxes and women apparently cannot.
Housecounsel
I am getting blonde highlights to cover the gray/white in my hair. It is a chore, and doesn’t really fit in with my beliefs that women shouldn’t conform to beauty standards, but I like to look pretty and I like how the highlights look.
Anon
I don’t know if it’s fun but as I’ve gotten more grays I’ve started getting highlights. Mine are very fine highlights and only a shade or two lighter than my non-gray hair. The idea is to make the grays blend in better by having different / lighter color dimensions in my hair. I ask my hairdresser to focus the lighter color (he uses two shades) around my face because lighter hair is more flattering as we get older.
There is no way he is pulling in every single gray hair on my head when he does the highlights. There are definitely still gray strands there, but with the lighter brown/blonde leaning highlights they just don’t stick out as obviously.
anon
I have the same type of hair color and I haven’t fully embraced the gray. One of my favorite colors — which might work with your personal style — was sort of a toned-down red color. The red was brighter on the white/gray strands and looked almost like highlights. I got so many compliments on that particular color. That said, the regrowth became really noticeable because it wasn’t a natural-looking color to begin with. After about a year, I went back to a brown base and have strategically put highlights in the front, where the gray is heaviest. It’s a more basic haircolor, but the regrowth is less obvious.
I have started following the Grombre account on instagram, just to get a clearer picture of what gray might actually look like. Sadly, I think my coloring — which is more muted to begin with — benefits from a slightly brighter haircolor. I don’t care about looking older, so much as that I don’t want to appear washed out all the time.
Anonymous
I am a brunette and love my white hair that is coming in in a Stacy London streak. But I may do a full-on GOT Khaleesi white with some bleach as I get older (or just get a wig).
+1 for Grombre
RR
I’ve decided to stop coloring my hair, which is naturally a graying dark blonde/light brown. But, in the short term to transition, I’m getting highlights. They blend the gray more, so I need them less often, and the hope is that I will do fewer and fewer of them as I transition more to gray. Right now, I’m just not happy with how much gray I have and how it’s coming in. I love those gray streaks, but that’s not what I got. So, I’m doing my best to ease into it with the highlights.
Anon
I have a coworker (mid 40s) who has long long black/dark brown hair with lots of grey, including a few larger streaks. She wears it as is – usually in low pony or a complicated bun, but sometimes down – and rocks it and looks amazing. I’m not sure if she has the confidence to pull it off because she looks like a model, or if she looks like a model because she just has a ton of confidence.
Nudibranch
Google Grombre (or follow on Instagram). You can find a lot of info and stories from the community there.
Going silver
I stopped coloring and decided to rock the silvers. The Facebook group Gray and Proud is amazing support. Now colored hair looks odd to me. And I am happy to be free of the expense and hassle and chemical load. If you’re up for it, letting your hair do what it wants to do can be a fun journey.
Ruggable
Does anyone have experience with Ruggable rugs? I like the idea of a washable rug but the pictures I see they seem really thin, like, basically a pretty blouse thick pad covering. Do they have any substantiality to them or are they really thin? I’m hesitant about getting a rug that doesn’t at least have the thickness of say a thin peacoat.
lsw
They are really thin, but come with a rug pad. If you are looking for something “comfy”, I don’t think Ruggable is it. It feels like a jute rug, maybe? We have one under our dining room table and I absolutely love it, but I wouldn’t use it if you wanted a cushy place to sit on the floor.
Anonymous
Do you have friends whose values or views of money totally differ from yours? Have the friendships lasted or changed over time? Assume that you have the same general income potential but one is really into making money/financial comfort and the other is — money, whatever?
I have a friend who keeps taking pay cuts — biglaw to nonprofit to a solo firm paying less than the nonprofit. Thinks people save too much for retirement — so is content that the new job has no 401k. Is content to live in Harlem, not in one of the shiny new developments. Part of me is — I don’t care, I don’t pay her bills. But then I’m pulled in because she complains about cell phone bills or how companies have no loyalties anymore because they don’t pay out pensions like in the 60s-70s or how she needs to cook more or cut down on cabs to watch the budget. OTOH I am a — make your money in your 30-40s, invest; I want the house and fancy car and throw money at convenience. I don’t expect her to want these things, but it’s like neither of us gets why the other wants to live the way they do.
Anon
Why do you need to “get” the way she lives as she does. She doesn’t need your approval or input on her life and vice versa. She complains about random things that are annoying in her life context. Okay a cell phone bill is high, she’s going to listen to you complain about the price of fixing your German car, and you’ll move on and do friend things.
I have friends that have vastly different incomes and life priorities and it hasn’t affected our friendship except that we don’t travel together and do more low key hang out items (wine at each other’s homes, free concerts in the park, happy hour after work). It’s not that complicated.
Vicky Austin
Why does this keep coming up lately? “Good for them, not for me” and move on.
anon
You’ve posted about this person before, although in your last post I recall that your friend was in fact concerned about retirement. Either way, not your circus, not your monkeys. If you’re annoyed at her complaining about phone bills then she’s probably annoyed by your materialistic nature and conspicuous consumption. But what does it matter? As long as you just respect each other’s choices and don’t let your contempt for her ruin your friendship.. you’re fine.
poiu
Is the problem that this person is complaining about the consequences of her choices or that she’s complaining too much? I mean, you could be reacting to excessive negativity not to run-of-the-mill venting. (I mean, I complain when I’m cold, even though I knew the weather report and could have worn a warmer sweater.)
Anonymous
Has anyone done a road trip (or series of plane trips) to the upper Midwest/heartland? From the east coast and have spent no time in that area and would love to check out — Minneapolis, North Dakota, Sioux Falls SD, Omaha, hop over to Iowa — and then maybe fly back to DC. Do these areas have a nice fall? I was looking at Omaha weather just now and it is HOT so maybe this isn’t a great summer road trip. Is this doable as a road trip? What types of things would you recommend or not? My ideal — drive for 3 hrs a day, stay in a nice hotel, check out the surrounding area for 1-2 days and then move to the next place. This would be solo as none of my east coast friends would ever consider a trip to Omaha.
Anon
I say this as a D.C. resident who’s happily visited 46 states: the Plains have their own beauty, but it’s not particularly close together. Three hours of driving per day isn’t going to go very far in that part of the country (and if you think about it, 3 hours wouldn’t even get you very far outside of NoVA…Staunton maybe). “Nice” hotels or B&Bs are probably much further apart than you’re anticipating and many “surrounding areas” would only take a half day to explore, not 1-2 days.
The Iowa State Fair is coming up in August and would be something fun to do and you could plan a trip to or from there. (The life-size butter cow really is neat.)
Vicky Austin
I live in a state that ends in Dakota and have to agree with Anon. 3 hours will keep you in a pretty tight circle. You could go Minneapolis – Fargo – Sioux Falls – Omaha – Des Moines on that timetable, but let’s be real: smallish midwestern cities are not fun travel destinations for a reason. Nobody goes to Fargo for an exciting weekend getaway. Fargo is the destination for people throughout North Dakota who are going to work conferences or specialist appointments. Or Costco.
If I were in your shoes, I’d take a nice fall weekend to Minneapolis for now, and plan to take a camping trip in one or more of the other states next summer. I’ve liked Chadron campground in western Nebraska (although that was some years ago) and both units of Teddy Roosevelt National Park in ND, and there’s loads of good places in northern MN.
anon
the minnesota state fair is also coming up and Minneapolis is a great city. i’d probably just do a long weekend there. or go to minneapolis and then fly or drive to one of the other places, like omaha (where i’ve never been)
Anon
Grew up in Minnesota, have done multiple cross country road trips through pretty much every part of the country. I find the great plains to be surprisingly beautiful, but you’re going to have to do A LOT of driving if you want to see that much of it. I’d suggest visiting Minneapolis and hitting the MN state fair over labor day and then maybe the Dakotas? The badlands are interesting, or if you go to North Dakota there are some interesting historical sites from the Lewis and Clark journey. Nice hotels might be hard to find, though. It’s pretty hot in the summer, so I’d wait until September or October.
Anon for this
I live in Omaha and love it, but it is not a vacation destination. The state literally changed its slogan to “Nebraska: it’s not for everyone”…..so there’s that. That said, if you decide to come definitely check out the zoo and get a steak someplace (we have a good restaurant scene). The weather is completely unreliable, but we experience all four seasons, sometimes even in the same day. Generally hot summers and cold winters, but it could be 100 degrees, 30 degrees, snowing, or storming (or 3 out of 4) within the same day in any given season.
anon
I’m a Nebraskan. Yeah, it’s hot right now, but summer is a lot of fun. There are more community festivals and whatnot during the summer months than any other time. The Omaha zoo has lots of shaded areas and A/C in the buildings, so I don’t find it horrible. The splash pad there is fun if you have kids. Mahoney State Park/Platte River State Park are within 30 minutes of Omaha and are scenic and picturesque, but lodging at both parks is hard to come by at this point in the season. People book 6 months-1 year in advance. It’s an easy day trip from Omaha, though, even if you don’t stay there. We enjoy hiking and biking at both parks during the summer — but go in the morning before it’s blazing hot and buggy. The Mahoney water park is fun and you can easily spend a whole afternoon, if not more, just doing that.
Omaha is about 2-ish hours from Des Moines. The Iowa State Fair is way better than the Nebraska State Fair, so if that’s your thing — do that in Des Moines instead! August is State Fair season.
Fall in Nebraska can be lovely, but the weather is all over the map. It might be 55 degrees, or 85. Sometimes on the same day. Visiting the zoo during the fall is ideal, and the crowds are lighter. Hiking and camping in the nearby state parks I mentioned is very doable during the fall. Pumpkin patches are plentiful and fun and are open from mid-September through the end of October. (I would avoid the hot mess that is the famous Vala’s Pumpkin Patch because the crowds are insane and it doesn’t have that lovely farm vibe at all, imho. Go to Bellevue Berry Farm instead.) You also could drive down to Nebraska City for apple picking and tour the Arbor Day Farm. If beer is your thing, there are Oktoberfest celebrations in the fall, usually in September.
Anon
Fall is nice, weather-wise, although September can still be pretty hot and humid (especially recently).
As an Iowa native, I don’t think most of the cities you listed have a ton to offer a tourist. (Don’t flame me, they are nice places to live.) MPLS is the only one I would remotely consider flying to “just because.”
Agree with others that these destinations are spread out and although this region has interesting things including national parks in SD and ND, there’s not a ton on the direct routes in between the major cities. I’m not sure what you consider “nice” for hotels but you will probably have a hard time finding true luxury hotels outside of the biggest cities (and even Des Moines and Omaha, while they have some nice boutique hotels, don’t have anything at a Peninsula/Four Seasons level). If you expect to stop in rural Iowa, Nebraska, or the Dakotas, you’ll be lucky to get a Comfort Inn and Suites over a Motel 6/Super 8.
Anon
Having grown up in Minnesota, I think a roadtrip in that area would be a ton of fun if you enjoy outdoor activities. However, you are going to have to do a lot more than 3 hours of driving between cities and the focus wouldn’t be on seeing cities but enjoying time outdoors. Depending on how much time you have, I would visit Minneapolis, Brainerd, Bismarck, Mount Rushmore, Badlands national park, and Sioux Falls in early fall. I’m sure you could find some great state parks in all of those areas.
Anon for this
I’m originally from MN and now live in the Omaha area. There is lots to see and do but I agree that doing it all in one go would be a lot of driving. OMA to MSP in the car is about sevenish hours without any stops. I think it would be tough to have the three hour limit in order to get to places you’d like to stay 1-2 days. But you should come!
– the twin cities have a great mixture of outdoor stuff and culture. Lots of breweries, theater, museums, etc. Lower cost than the coasts. Not sure why people don’t vacation there a ton, it is super fun. Northern MN and Lake Superior (Duluth) are great in a different way. Gorgeous lakes, great hiking/camping, forests, etc. This would be a great option for a cooler summer trip, or taking in the fall colors in northern MN.
– regarding Omaha, it is hot a blue blazes right now. I would not visit at the moment. Again, lots of stuff to keep you busy for a long weekend or so- world class zoo, good restaurants (lots of farm to table, people eat out a lot in Omaha compared to other mid-western places I’ve been), some fun museums, neat little festivals, inexpensive sporting events, a couple of fun museums, if you are outdoorsy there are a couple of pretty nice state recreation areas around.
– My experience with the Dakotas is it is awesome if you are looking for nature stuff. The badlands, black hills, Mount Rushmore, etc. are really awesome, but I don’t know that you will get much of a “city” vacation in that area. Same for other parts of Nebraska (chimney rock out in Scottsbluff, the sandhills area, Niobrara area), cool from a nature perspective.
Mpls
Chiming in late, but agree with all the above :)
Plan for more like 5-6+ hrs of driving to get between interesting destinations. Omaha may be hot (and humid?) but your other sites are further north – and I think usually cool down pretty well at night. MN is still pretty humid (at least in the Cities), so the heat isn’t fun.
Duluth and the North Shore (of Lake Superior) are specatular when the leaves change.
It takes about 6-7 hrs of driving (with only minimal pit stops) to get from the Twin Cities to Teddy Roosevelt National Park. Teddy Roosevelt is one of my favorite parks (it highlights the Painted Badlands) and I like it better than the Badlands Nat’l Park in South Dakota. Medora is a historic town nearby and has a outdoor night show. TR is probably a little better in the summer than the fall – it might be hot, but it won’t be humid. Fall camping in TR could get a bit cool.
A trip of the Plains is going to be about appreciating the nothing-ness and the weird things you find along the way. This turns into Big Sky Country (technically Montana’s motto) because there are no trees, buildings, people or other structures to get in the way between you and the sky.
Paging all frequent work travelers
I am expecting a job offer from a firm that will include significant travel. Most likely in-state travel so I expect it won’t be more than a full day out of home/the office plus a night if it’s a court apperance v. a deposition- I hear they are good with letting you fly business class, get good hotels and food etc. I was told it would be heavy travel as a junior (2x/week) and then slow down with time. Everything is paid out as expenses (points points points)
For all the ladies that frequently travel for work- please give me your woes and advice on this. What questions do i need to be asking before accepting? What do i need to consider? What advice would you give your bright-eyed and bushy-tailed self from a similar stage in life?
FWIW- married for 2 years, DH is mildly supportive (i.e. would prefer no travel but supportive either way), no kids, lawyer.
Anon
Do you want kids? If so, what’s the timing on that? Travel with kids is doable, but way more comfortable than travel as a married, childless person, so if kids are in your 3-5 year plan, it would give me pause. Disregard if you don’t want kids.
Anon
*complicated! not comfortable. Sorry, autocorrect.
OP
actively TTC. ..DH has a very flexible job and we will likely have MIL for help with childcare
I don't recommend it
My DH has a high travel job that he accepted after our first child was born. I deeply resent his job and resent that I am default responsible for our child at every moment. I resent that he books work travel without asking if I am available to keep our child. I resent that he can plan whatever he wants to, but I can never plan anything without checking with him first because I never know if he’s out of town. This means I am also responsible for all child items and activities– where is the jersey? when is the soccer practice?– because DH may or may not have been here when the item was last used or when the practice was scheduled.
You can do the travel job and have a kid, but the impact will be felt more by your spouse than by you.
Anon
I think if you’re actively trying to conceive and your DH is not enthusiastic about you taking a job with travel, you have to give that weight. As the person above said, you and your kid will manage, it’s DH that will really be impacted by your travel schedule. MIL is a nice idea in theory but I think the odds that it works out – in the sense that MIL is really an active childcare provider who is alleviating the burden on DH, as opposed to just a loving grandma – are slim, based on what I’ve seen from friends.
Ribena
Given the climate crisis, I’d be asking how amenable the firm is to you taking greener travel options than flying even if they cost more/ are slower.
cbackson
IDK where you live, but in most of the US, there isn’t a good greener alternative – driving is probably slightly better from a CO2 perspective, but takes so much longer that it isn’t possible with this kind of travel schedule (I’m taking an hour and 15 minute flight tomorrow that would be a 5-hour drive). We don’t have passenger rail except in very limited parts of the US and even where we do have it, it isn’t high-speed. For example, there is one passenger rail station in the city of Atlanta, and you can’t get to any other major city in the state of Georgia by rail – the few trains that do stop here (there are only 2 daily) go to New Orleans and DC/NYC. And even if you are going to one of those places, it’s a 12+ hour train trip vs. a 2-3 hour flight.
Ribena
So you do the drive the night before and stay overnight. That’s what I mean by it taking longer. I’m writing this from a 5 hour train journey that I’m doing instead of a one hour 15 minute flight. If caring about the continued survival of society on the planet is out of touch…
Anonymous
It’s not just the cost of staying overnight and mileage reimbursement. It’s also the time you can’t spend billing because you are in the car for a 10hr round trip. Or that the client isn’t going to pay for that much travel time.
cbackson
Look, I agree with your climate concerns (I intentionally moved close to my office so I wouldn’t have a driving commute and could live a more environmentally friendly lifestyle) and I wish this was feasible in the US, but it’s not if you have a job that requires this type of travel.
Here’s what this would look like in my life: work until 8 PM today (because that’s when my last call ends), drive until 1 AM tonight (assuming no stops for meals or anything else), start a meeting at 9 AM tomorrow, finish that meeting at 6 PM, then drive until 11 PM (again, this is assuming no stops for meals, etc.) to get home. In the OP’s case, she’d be doing that twice a week – for years. An employer of this type isn’t going to let her do the drive during work hours, because you can’t work while driving (unlike trains), so that’s 20 additional working hours every week. She’s almost certainly salaried, like me, so she doesn’t get any extra pay for that time and clients can’t be billed for it (maybe her clients allow travel time, but mine don’t).
Meanwhile, you’re sitting on a train that probably runs on a somewhat predictable schedule with multiple departures per day that will take you at a reasonable rate of speed into a city center. You can do work on that train, so it’s feasible to travel during the work day. You can eat a snack, take a walk to stretch your legs, etc. None of that is possible during a 5-hour drive without making it even longer. What’s out of touch is dismissively saying that we don’t care about the continued survival of human society because we don’t think that kind of schedule is livable.
Ribena
That’s very true, thank you for calling me out. I forget how much longer many of your work hours are than mine and also how impossible it is to use driving time as downtime. I was overly dismissive, and I apologise.
Anonymous
Omg pls be more sanctimonious
Anon
I agree with everything cbackson said, but I’d also add that law firms aren’t known for being progressive or concerned about the climate and if you raise something like this, you only have yourself to hurt. One person (particularly a relatively junior associate) is not going to affect any institutional change, and the law firm can easily find another candidate to take OP’s place. She has everything to lose and nothing to gain by saying “what about the climate?” If you’re interviewing for a job at Patagonia, sure, talk about climate change. This job is not the right place.
cbackson
What I wish we *would* do in the US given these challenges is start moving to telepresence more. Flying 90 minutes is better than driving 5, but even better would be just holding this meeting by tele/videoconference. There’s a time and a place for in-person meetings but we also default to it a lot when it’s not necessary IMO.
Anon
Ya I would not do this unless you don’t want the job. It’ll make you look out of touch,
Anonymous
Omg what Ribeba?
Anonymous
I travel some (but not like consultant-level travel) and enjoy getting out of the office. One key thing as a lawyer (if it’s a job with a billable hours requirement)–can you bill the travel time? My travel time usually isn’t paid by clients (don’t even get me started on that rant), but it does count toward my billable hours requirement for the firm because they recognize the unfairness of not counting travel you have to do to do your job. If travel time didn’t count toward my billable time, I probably would have left this job long ago (yes, you can work on the plane, but between getting to the airport and takeoff and landing when you can’t have your laptop out and transfers, it’s a lot of unproductive time). I usually am only gone for a night or two rather than days on end, which I think is ideal. I don’t have kids. Also, the airline miles/hotel points are an excellent perk–I can usually get free flights for an international vacation for myself and husband every other year with the miles I’ve accumulated. And if you are going to be flying a lot and don’t already have it, sign up for TSA PreCheck. Best $80 I ever spent.
Anon
If you will do any international travel at all (even for pleasure), do GlobalEntry. It’s only a little bit ($20?) more and includes PreCheck. I really regret doing PreCheck instead of GlobalEntry but now I feel like it would be a waste to pay for GE before my PreCheck expires.
Anonymous
I don’t have GlobalEntry because I would have had to go to another city for the interview, but I do have the MobilePassport app, which seems to save significant time at customs coming back into the country (there is a separate lane at JFK for people using MobilePassport; don’t know about other major airports).
anne-on
I’d ask the frequency and duration – ie – 30% travel is quite different than 60% travel and overnights only is quite different than M-TH travel. Can they guarantee that you’ll only be traveling in state? Or in region? Or will you be doing long haul cross-country trips on a regular basis? I’d also see if you can query on level of admin support – if you’re regularly traveling, the ability of your admin person to book on your behalf/put in your T&E/etc. is huge. Ditto on what the backup staffing looks like, it is really hard to travel, be off site, and still be expected to attend to other client (not the one you’re on site for) matters.
If you’re actively TTC I’d query hard on how much notice you get. A trip you know about 2 weeks + in advance is very very different from getting asked to show up at a client tomorrow. I’d also see if you can negotiate more WFH arrangements on non travel weeks. I view it as a balancing act – when I’m on the road I’m 100% devoted to work, when I am home I need to claw a little of that time back for family/me/etc.
anon
a few people have commented that they either don’t shop at amazon or don’t have prime, etc. i realize this is slightly ridiculous question – but where can you buy things that can be delivered if not amazon? i wanted to purchase static guard, so checked target’s site, but that is an item that cannot be delivered. my reasons for wanting items that can be delivered is that i have 15 month old twins, we only have one car and the target is driving distance, DH travels a lot/works long hours, so i truthfully do not really have time to go to a store. my parents obviously didn’t have amazon when i was growing up, they had two cars, and neither parent traveled/worked long hours so it was easier for them to get to the store.
anon
Can you do store pickup instead? Walmart is another option. Our local grocery store chain also has pickup and delivery.
Anon
So Walmart is acceptable to shop at now? A few years ago it was all the rage not to shop at Walmart because of their treatments of employees. Not Amazon has the heat.
Anonymous
Yeah, I understand not wanting to support Amazon, but Walmart and Target aren’t exactly great alternatives. I certainly don’t see those as being any better, so you might as well just order from Amazon!
Anon
My main objection to Amazon is that I don’t want to have to pay $120/year for free two day shipping. I’d rather use Target because they get things to my house in two days for free. I also hate going to the post office to mail returns, so I like ordering from Target and being able to return things at the store (and they have a nice long return window – usually 90 days – so I don’t have to go to the store very frequently).
I do think there’s evidence that Target treats their employees better than either Walmart or Amazon, but that is not the driving force behind my choice to shop primarily at Target.
Anonymous
It’s better than Amazon for sure.
Anonymous
You do realize there was life before things being delivered home, right? And even then there were situations like long work hours, no stay home parents, and/or one car. Somehow they survived. What if Amazon went bankrupt or started charging 10x the price for everything tomorrow, what would you do?
Anon
Luckily Amazon isn’t going out of business, if a mom of twins with limited time wants to shop there, I say go for it and ignore the haters.
Anonymous
Did you check pharmacy websites? Some people who need meds need them delivered, and I thought it was possible to add typical pharmacy type products to, e.g., a Walgreens order.
Anon
I stop at the store on the way home/run out at lunch. For something like static guard, I would stop at a CVS, which seem to be as common as Starbucks in my city.
Anonymous
I have twins and started trying to leave the office at least once or twice a week at lunchtime. It was great to be able to go to sephora or cvs or dry cleaning store without dragging babies with me.
Anon
I haven’t had prime in ~5 years and shop at Amazon maybe once or twice a year. I have a Target RedCard, so I have free shipping from there with no minimum and I buy a ton there. On the rare occasions I need something that can’t be shipped from Target, I a) buy it online from Walmart, Amazon or another store, 2) do a ship-to-store and pick it up on the weekend (if that’s an option) or 3) add it to the grocery list for DH to get at the grocery store. To give you a sense of my life – one young toddler, one dog, two adults, we have a cleaning service and DH buys food and paper towels/toilet paper at the grocery store. I have dog food, diapers, wipes, sunscreen (mine and kid), baby food and maybe one or two other things on subscription delivery from Target.
That said, you’re in a really busy phase of life and if Amazon fits your lifestyle now I wouldn’t feel guilty about it.
Anonymous
We avoid Amazon and do a combination of:
1. Costco for bulk supplies (toilet paper, paper towels, toothpaste, some food). They have good labor practices and pay their employees a reasonable wage. We also do a quarterly trip to the phyiscal store to stock up on meats and produce which I freeze.
2. Grocery stores with an app that allows you to order online and pick up same day fromo the store. They bring it to your car. There are 2 chains with this in my area (small city). I prefer one as it is unionized and even their part-time employees are offered a health plan.
3. Local Farmer’s market for produce when in season. Our local also has food stalls so sometimes this is a combination buy produce and feed the kids dinner type excursion when DH is traveling. Market is open one evening a week.
4. Walmart/Target etc as needed. Try to avoid but sometimes necessary. Their labor practices are not great but at least they have brick and mortar stores, often in low income areas where jobs are desparately needed.
anon
With a minimal bit of planning, and only one grocery store, two drugstores, and a hardware store, I manage to almost boycott both Walmart and Amazon. The only exception is one over-the-counter medication, of which my doc says there is only one reliable brand, I can’t find anywhere except Amazon, in person or online. Usually one shopping trip a week, and I often make DH go. (I hit up the gas station across from my office for snacks more often, though).
Anonymous
Dating question. I’ve had the same fact pattern happen with a couple of guys. I find it supremely obnoxious and unmatch guys who do this. My friends think I’m being unreasonable. What do you think?
I’ll tell a guy I’m going out of town for work, and I’m super bummed because I’m going to Awesome City that I’ve been wanting to visit but I will have exactly zero free time to see the town. Guy will say, well you’ll have some free time, you should see ABC and have dinners at XYZ. I find this so annoying. Like oh I guess you know my job better than I do? Yes please mansplain to me how much free time I have on this work trip that you know nothing about.
Anon
Uh. They’re making conversation. They’re not mansplaining. They’re sharing an experience with you – aka, building a connection. Just say, “Oh, those sound like great suggestions. I’ll keep them in mind if I do have any downtime.” and move on.
Anonymous
This. ‘Thanks! Definitely don’t expect any free time but I’ll keep those in mind if plans change.”
Anon
I think you’re overreacting.
Anon
Yeah, this doesn’t seem unreasonable. Even on trips when you don’t think you’ll have time, plans can change- flights are delayed, meetings get canceled. I’d take this as trying to be friendly and make a connection, not mansplaining.
anon
They’re probably just trying to be positive in response to what likely comes off as a tidal wave of negativity. It’s hard to text with strangers. They’re just trying to connect.
Anonymous
They’re making conversation. You’re being way too picky. They’re just sharing something to contribute to conversation. Your friends are right.
anne-on
On one hand, yes, I think your friends are right and they’re just trying to connect with you and show thought/care/knowledge (ie – I know things about travel and am thinking about what you might like!).
On the other hand, as someone who travels fairly often for work I am SO over people who don’t talking about how fun/glamorous/exciting/etc. it must be. Nope, generally I go from house to airport to hotel to office to dinner to airport. And I would really rather be able to work out after work instead of having drinks and a steak on a Tuesday night.
I’ll also say that I am MOST frustrated by those comments when I’m most burned out. Perhaps time for a bit of planned downtime?
Anon
Well what else are they supposed to say to continue the conversation? I definitely think you’re overreacting.
Daisy
You should absolutely keep unmatching these guys — you are doing them a favor. Yikes.
Anonymous
The revlon dryer/volumizer is on sale plus PDay discount on the ‘Zon today. Making it only like $36 if anyone’s been holding out.
Housecounsel
It has been life-changing for me, and I just ordered a second one just in case the first one dies on me.