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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Mason Pant

A woman wearing a white top and slate blue pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Somehow, these pants from Reformation have never crossed my radar, but the fact that they come in ELEVEN colorways is always a good sign. (Like a lot of people on the internet, I was poking around the site after seeing the Monica Lewinsky ads.)

The slate blue color caught my eye as a fun alternative to a typical neutral, but I’ve been struggling to think about what to pair them with. I think I’d try out an ivory blazer for a more formal look, but I’d probably eventually end up with my go-to black turtleneck until the weather warms up a bit more.

The pants are $178 at Reformation and come in sizes 0–12 as well as petites and plus sizes.

Hunting for more wide-leg pants to wear to work? We just rounded some up, and general favorites include pleated pairs like Favorite Daughter, Everlane*, Reformation*, and Abercrombie*, with flat-front pairs from Good American,* M.M.LaFleur, and Ann Taylor (* = plus sizes; see the post for notes on petites and talls). We've also shared our thoughts on what shoes to wear with wide-leg pants! Our latest favorite wide-leg pants include these (as of 2024):

A woman wearing navy pants, sneakers, and a gray sweatshirt
Anthropologie
woman in beige wide-leg pants to wear to work
Reformation
best-selling wide leg pant for work
Ann Taylor
A woman wearing a cream-colored top, black wide-leg pants, and black sandals
Favorite Daughter

Sales of note for 12.5

299 Comments

  1. The mason pants also come in sizes above a 12, you just need to go to the extended size section

  2. Aging-has it felt to anyone else like it happens suddenly and all at once? I’m turning 40 in a few months, and feel like in the past year my undereye circles turned into permanent black-and-blues, my facial skin is noticeably sagging, arms feel like all muscle is gone, peers dying by suicide and older relatives experiencing cognitive loss and terminal cancel diagnoses. Combined with children turning into teenagers!

    I guess what I’m asking is-this feels like a real shift into the “second stage” of life. Did you experience something similar and/or did the transitions to your 50s and 60s (if you’re that age) feel as dramatic? What was turning 40 like for you?

    1. It strikes me that your list of “what happens with aging” is full of sadness and loss (apart from the kids-turning-teenagers): physical decline, suicides, elderly relatives facing decline and death. If you’re experiencing all that, it’s understandable that all these declines would stand out to you.

      Personally, I found my 40s to be a time of change in positive directions as well. Yes, elderly relatives were facing losses, which caused grieving for all of us. But I also started a new and beloved career, lost weight, we moved to a fresh new place, and I felt at home in my personality and skills. So, while you’re experiencing losses right now, that won’t be the full story.

      1. I like this framing. I left behind a lot of young adult angst and embraced my 40s. Yes, my parents are much harder as they age, but I also have more money and agency to help them while still drawing boundaries.

        I have always been a natural and gifted athlete who could get back into shape after a few short weeks in my 20s and 30s. In my 40s, I’ve really struggled to get or stay in shape, but I’ve found I’m much prouder of what I accomplish now because it was SO MUCH HARDER to achieve.

        Career wise, I’m at a place where I can say “no” to new work if I’m slammed or if a client is obnoxious, so I feel more in control professionally.

        I ended up with an unexpected third twin pregnancy after years of being unable to conceive a third child, so that made the end of my 30s really hard as we literally doubled the number of children we had right before COVID. I struggled a lot with the logistical and financial challenges and just the madness of two toddlers and two young elementary kids, but the twins are finally rounding a corner to being kids. In my 40s, I get to watch a pack of kids who each have their own challenges, but are turning into a group of fun independent kids who really love each other.

        I have more money to travel, which is my happy place, and I try to take time to cultivate friendships more as the twins age. I really felt like I had my s h i t together in my 30s when I was very fit, had two pretty easy kids and was in a coasting place in my career, and could show up a lot for friends, but I’m embracing when I have now. I will never look like I did in my 30s thanks to natural aging and birthing 4 kids, but I’m proud of clawing back to healthy and happy in my very unexpected life right now.

        1. My husband is similar. Until he was about 45, he could just go out and run a *marathon* with very little training. Now he has to stop and walk if he tries to run a couple of miles and it’s extremely demoralizing. As his parents age he’s also had a very hard time coming to terms with the fact that they are going to pass away without ever evolving from the self-centered people they were and are into the nurturing, caring parents he’s always wanted.

          I, on the other hand, am developing new skills and picking old interests back up and feeling revitalized in middle age, even though I am frustrated by the saggy neck and the awareness that my time is running out too quickly. I have realized that my husband has always lived his life looking backwards through rose-colored glasses, trying to recapture an idealized version of the idyllic lifestyle his wealthy parents created and the glory of his days as an athlete, whereas I have lived my entire life looking forward to better things because I came from a difficult background.

      2. I really like this framing too. Caroline Paul (author of Gutsy Girl) has a new book out highlighting women adventuring and trying new sports (boogie boarding, BASE jumping) well into their senior years. OP, I think you need some examples of that stuff in your life. I’m mid-life myself and loving it so far.

        I have a great one I’ve posted here several times before too – go to YouTube and search for North Shore Betty. Patagonia produced a movie about her. She started mountain biking at age 45 and is ripping like you wouldn’t believe at age 75. Aging CAN be different.

    3. I’m sorry your having so many changes at once. It is very hard.

      Yes, your late 30’s turning 40 can be a rough time for women, as we become a little more invisible and start to feel/see more signs of aging. It also can be a difficult time if your family is unlucky and your parent’s are starting to show their health issues too. But I agree with the other poster that my 40’s were really freeing and empowering. I just didn’t care what people thought as much, I felt more confident in my abilities and appreciative of what I realized was really important to me.

      But the transition from 40’s to 50’s can be very rough for some. Perimenopausal changes, worsening of other medical issues with aging (and sometimes more serious diagnoses), stress of juggling lots of things with extended family and saving for retirement etc… And trying to decide how to “age gracefully” or fight it tooth and nail. We’re all different.

      I hope you have an outlet for support. Sleep, eating decently, getting outside, exercise, close friendships become more and more critical with aging.

    4. I feel like everyone I know regardless of age has been having a hard time of it the last year. Life is rough currently. I will say, as a couple years ahead of you, around that time was when I started focusing on what things can I be doing to help make aging less scary. Like see the person about my skin and come up with a routine, find a exercise routine I don’t hate, focus on adding more healthy greens and veggies into my diet even though its winter and I just want to hibernate, and surrounding myself with more older people who are aging in ways I want to emulate. Things I’ve loved about turning 40? One more step into my truest form. I finally feel comfortable with the boundaries I set to protect my peace and don’t cave to the fomo. I feel like I clicked into a new level in my career where I am the expert in my area and don’t feel like I’m too young to be at the table. All those years of therapy and working on myself finally seem to be paying the dividends I was promised.

    5. Yes. This is literally the worst time of life. Parents die, kids turn into mean teens and then leave. You realize you’ve gone as far as you ever will in your career. That’s the reality. Age 50 was the lowest point for me. It gets better as the kids get to their 20’s and appreciate you again and you realize it’s kind of nice not to have to climb a new mountain at work to prove yourself, you are already there. You can look forward to retirement and grand kids. It gets better.

      1. I don’t doubt your experience, but it runs counter to what I have seen among my friends and family. Age 50 has been a glory time for many, even with the challenges of aging parents. Careers have settled in at a high level or gone further, there is more financial stability, more self-confidence, more defined interests (travel, etc), sometimes grandkids.

        1. My 40s were good, but my 50s have been amazing. I’m at the top of my profession, I’m confident with my knowledge and leadership skills, and I’m planning on retiring in the next few years and taking up a dream second career.

          Are there losses? Yes. But there are so many things to look forward to.

    6. I’m turning 39 but many of my friends are older, and I’m feeling like this. Suddenly peers are getting sick and everyone’s parents are aging and dying. I’ve also been trying for a second kid and it’s not working out — meanwhile my older one is in elementary school and clearly no longer a little kid. Only one of my friends is still in the baby stage, some friends have teens.

      And my skin, which has been great my whole life (except for a couple of years in my early teens), is suddenly looking awful.

      I’m hoping that once I either have a baby or permanently give up on the idea, I can embrace my age. But right now it feels like a while bunch of endings and no beginnings.

    7. This may not help you, but if you’re someone who didn’t follow the typical path of marriage and kids when you were in your 20s/30s and stayed child free, your 40s can be amazing. With disposable income and time, the physical decline is less pronounced, I got lucky and met my husband in my 40s, I wasn’t distracted by kids so got promoted and promoted again at work. I have time to see friends and travel. So if you’re reading and feeling sad about being single and longing for the traditional path, life can be pretty great if you take another road.

      1. +1, we are early-40s DINKs and life is good! Although not escaping all the side effects of aging, we’re feeling “older and wiser” rather than like we’re succumbing to middle age.

    8. No, actually. My 40s have been the best decade of my life so far. And I turned 40 in the first year of the pandemic. I’m in amazing shape, I feel great (I quit a life of heavy drinking), I am confident and love how I look), and my career continues to advance.

      HOWEVER, that doesn’t really matter bc comparing yourself to me is not helpful. My parents are doing fine, I haven’t lost anyone to suicide, I don’t have kids (by choice), and am single and thriving. We are totally different people living different lives so it makes sense we might be experiencing different things. What you are dealing with is a LOT and, as others have pointed out, it makes sense you might be feeling badly because of it! I don’t think that means your life is “over” and it’s all downhill, but it sounds like having some coping tools would help you while you go through this phase of life.

      1. Notwithstanding that our lives are quite different, I also share this experience. I am 46 and look it but my fitness is good, I feel generally, good. I love this decade. Parents are iffy but in-laws are great. I have teenagers and a baby and am working through post partum rehab and navigating the end of my last mat leave. I enjoy aging and what it brings, but I agree comparison isn’t super useful. But I don’t, personally, think aging has much to do with the challenges that do emerge. Sometimes life is just hard.

    9. I turn 40 in a few weeks. My oldest is 10 but she now has lots of friends with older siblings that can drive, which is both terrifying and highly useful.

      My eyes have started drying out at night. Also, my muscles ache more and my skin feels dull.

    10. I’m only 39, but my parents divorced when they were 50. They have both remarried and are profoundly more happy. My dad in particular remarried someone who is perfect for him in this stage of life (my dad has always been active; my mom a homebody. Dads new partner is all about living life as a senior as her first husband died *at his desk* at 48. My dad’s own father dropped dead of a stroke at 62 so he has been a great older adult figure to his (adult) step children.)

    11. Yes. One day at almost 42, I suddenly felt and looked old (tired looking, not as supple, not as athletic, etc.)

    12. Here’s the thing too, so much of life is how you approach it. If you only want to find doom and gloom, that’s easy to do. But there’s so much that can be wonderful if you open yourself up to it. Your attitude makes a huge difference to your quality of life.

      1. Yup. I can concentrate on how my skin doesn’t fit my body as snugly as it used to, or I can concentrate on the many blessings that retirement is bringing (some expected, some unexpected). I’m choosing the latter. Also, I’m old enough to know that life has good times and bad times, and neither of them lasts forever. So I’m grabbing this good time with both hands and enjoying it as long as I can!

          1. I’m still on the ship and the whole trip is just blowing my mind. Indescribable!!

    13. I’m 40 next year but in a very different stage of life because my only child is 7 and in that wonderful stage where they’re independent and fun but still adore you. And I had my kid relatively young compared to a lot of people I know! I have a lot of friends who are still changing diapers and a few who are pregnant or want to be pregnant soon.

    14. Yes, I feel this at 43. I made the mistake of moving my aging dad to my home a few years ago. I am so stressed out and feel like a child again in my own home. He has developed hoarding tendencies. My siblings tell me “it’s his house” when I try to set boundaries. Siblings also resent the perceived financial leg up that I am getting from our father paying me rent to cover expenses.

      Things are bad now and I have aged a lot since 40. But I have a feeling my life will become wonderful after my dad passes. I know that is not a nice thing to say, but it is true. And he chose for it to be true.

      1. You are in a very rough spot.
        I was the one who took care of my parents, including living with my Dad until the end.
        You are doing something your siblings will never truly understand, or appreciate. It is what it is.
        I understand your hope for the future. Been there.
        Good luck to you. Let go what you can, for your own sanity.

    15. From the perspective of my late 50s, I think this is very much an age and stage feeling. When I turned 40, my kid was in elementary school and my parents were close to the age I am now (they were babies when I was born). It was in my 50s that kid reached the “leaving home” stage (although she graduated college and is currently living at home because we live in a VHCOL place and she is saving her money) and my parents started having health issues (although really just my dad; my mother and stepfather are in excellent health but I can start to see it coming). I suspect that it is going to be in my 60s that everything hits at once when my kid probably has to move away for work and my parents start needing me/declining.

      This is so individual. But it does not change that you are going through a really tough time. Be kind to yourself and take care. It is not forever!

    16. I didn’t feel old at 40. But I certainly noticed I was getting older. I’m in my 50s now and had a serious health situation in the last 3 months so now I feel very old and extremely mortal.

    17. Here’s my (maybe even darker) thought: I know at 48 right now that this is the best it’s ever going to be again, at least for me. I could say things would be different when the kids are grown but my autistic son is going to be with us forever, I think. Four healthy parents (mine and in-laws), loving relationship, stable financially.

      1. Enjoy every minute. Plus you don’t know the future could have some nice surprises.

    18. This is where I’m relieved to have never put much stock in natural beauty. I’m just thrilled to have the resources for pricy Botox and hair dye and eventually a facelift. I no longer love my body but man do I love my clothes.

    19. I’m not far off from 50 and my 40s have so far been the best decade of my life. Turning 40 was great for me, and I don’t expect turning 50 to be any different. I’m a few years past having teens in the house and actually found that stage to be better than I was led to believe. And, even though I look my age and am a bit softer around the edges, I am really comfortable in my skin and like my body in a way that I didn’t when I was younger.
      That’s not to say this decade of my life has been all sunshine and rainbows, it hasn’t, but I’ve gotten through everything I thought I wouldn’t.

    20. Some of this is about the thing and not your age. I was a caregiver in my 20s which made that decade really rough for me in ways it wasn’t for others. Death and loss and illness are just hard no matter the age. I lost my mom at 40 so that really sucked. But grief sucks at all ages and part of the problem is that we don’t give ourselves permission or grace or whatever to actually grieve loss. We’re often expected to just get better and it might not for a while.

      That being said, in other ways my 40s are amazing. Like others, more freedom and disposable income are very beneficial to quality of life. I am realizing I’m in perimenopause and that’s hard because not enough women talk about it. I hope to start HRT to make some of these hormonal changes more tolerable.

    21. I turned 40 last year. Life just feels really hard. My father passed away a few years ago, thankfully my mother is alive and well, I have two kids under 7 and the 3 year old is just very tough (for me), I work FT and serve as primary parent because my DH is in BigLaw. Oh, and my DH is pretty much the most depressed he’s ever been and I have no idea what’s going to get him/us out of this slump because he thinks he’s not at a place where he needs therapy and/or meds. Also, we’ve had a lot of other deaths of loved ones the last few years, health stuff for parents, and the general state of our country/world.

      Meanwhile, I also cherish my relationships with loved ones which have grown only deeper and sweeter, I’m proud that I know myself better, and I love seeing my kids grow. I don’t things will get “easier” – life will always be hard – but I do look forward to my youngest getting a bit older, and it being easier in a lot of ways to do more things as a family unit.

  3. What stores are you actually buying clothing, shoes, bags and jewelry from? I’m finding Everlane, Faherty, Quince and Nisolo with occasional BR Factory to be spots where I’m finding things I like.

    1. clothing- jcrew, talbots, banana republic
      shoes- I generally order from zappos for vionic, sam edleman, cole haan, brooks, etc. Otherwise rothys and birdies
      bags- my current one is kate spade, i’ve been looking at clare v
      I never seem to buy jewelry online. Mine is mostly from local jewelry stores or things I’ve picked up when traveling.

      1. quince. madewell. jcrew. nordstrom. old navy for basics and athletic wear. I used to get a lot of stuff from loft but not so much anymore. I have not been impressed with the quality of jcrew as of late but have some stuff from there. debating ordering proper trousers from talbots (similar to these but less expensive). i have bought much less clothes than I used to as of late. Not sure how much is i’m not happy with my body (48 yo and 20 lbs heavier than this time last year) or whether its the clothes which are profoundly unflattering and not easy to wear.

          1. I was looking at these pants and realizing they look just like what I wore in the mid-90s Between these pants and the return of the twinset, I could be in my 20s again. (Also do any other long-time readers have still hear “matchy, matchy” in their heads?)

            If your experience with the new silhouette is anything like what I went through when skinny jeans replaced my beloved boot cuts and we were no longer allowed to wear twin sets or panty hose for fear of being deemed frumpy and out of touch, give yourself a year or two. And adopt elements gradually or modify them. Straight legs rather than wider; skip the pleated pants if you do not like the way they look, you do not have to wear lug soles if you do not like them, etc.

    2. J crew (the Kate pants for work and a few basic t shirts/button downs), Everlane for some linen pants for an upcoming trip to Caribbean and for the summer here in NC, Modern Citizen for dresses for work (I own the Fei Organic Cotton Tie-Front Midi Dress in multiple colors and receive tons of compliments), and Sezane for cardigans this past fall/winter. I also am eyeing yet another linen dress from Dress Me Linen on Etsy. I have two and they’re amazing.

      I also just got a purse (woven leather crossbody, somewhat similar in style to Clare V) from Quince and like it so far. I own a few pairs of Rothy’s, but the only ones that are really comfortable to me are the driver style ones. They’re fine. I have a pair of Nisolo huarache sandals/shoes that are amazing that I live in during the summer.

      1. From which websites do you purchase? I’ve bought from The Real Real, but I don’t like that they don’t show you the care label so I don’t know until the item arrives what it’s made of or how I need to care for it. Any other suggestions? Thanks.

          1. I like that you can sort by material, brand etc. on thredup. I try to buy only natural fibers.

    4. Clothing: Old Navy, TJMaxx, Target, BR Factory, Macy’s on clearance and sometimes H&M (hit or miss)
      Shoes: TJMaxx, 6pm/Am@zon
      Bags: haven’t needed to replace one in a while and I’m not really a bag person
      Jewelry: Etsy or local places

    5. For clothing – eBay and Mercari like 50% of the time. Occasionally BRF, Talbots, J Crew, Eileen Fisher, Land’s End, LL Bean, Levis.

      Shoes – need to be some for a wedding, other than that Brooks and FitFlop, all sneakers & one pair of hiking boots for the last many months

      Handbag – Coach most recently, before that The Real Real.

      Jewelry – Kojima Pearl

    6. J. Crew Factory, Old Navy, Gap (my budget is a lot lower than most people here probably).

    7. – Clothing: WHBM, Ann Taylor, recently Calvin Klein and DKNY from Belk and Macy’s
      – Shoes: Nordstrom, Tory Burch, J.Crew
      – Jewelry: WHBM, J.Crew, Nordstrom

    8. Have done some unusual sourcing for me, recently. I love Boden and Joules (RIP) and wear a uniform to work so don’t need work clothes but like a classic, British, preppy look. I am in a bit of a crossover stage as I wind down nursing and will carry a few extra pounds for awhile. I have a few summer dresses I love (Banana Republic and Boden, Nordstrom) but recently scored a couple of gorgeous Hatley dresses on deep discount, as well as two sweaters and a pair of really perfect chambray, paperbag waist ankle length pants. I struggle with pants and don’t like that cut usually. I also rarely to never buy anything at Old Navy but just left this past weekend with three boyfriend cut button downs in muslin and chambray and four pairs of linen pants. We summer on an island in the Atlantic and that kind of linen wear is perfect.

    9. Shoes and bags: Rag & Bone, Longchamp, Rothy’s
      Clothes: BB, AT, JCrew
      Jewelry: haven’t bought in a long while, but I’m looking at some necklaces from Amy Wells.

    10. Second-hand stores. With the quality of garments these days, I can’t justify paying retail.

  4. I have an upper eyelid that has developed a random flutter. Stress is high, but that has been a decades-long thing and has been quite higher at other times (not recent). This happened in high school and went away randomly. Is there a name for this?

    1. Are you describing a tic? I had one for several weeks (much longer than usual) recently, and the opthamologist said it was not dangerous and would go away. It did. In the meantime, warm and wet compresses.

      1. +1 – I get these when I’m stressed and have since high school. Charmingly, I also developed a twitch in my mouth which freaked me out but it’s apparently also a known stress reaction.
        I try to focus on exercise/rest/reading/meditation more when I get them and use it as a sign to slow down!

    2. It often has the same name as your boss, that difficult client, or your teenaged child.

    3. I get this, your eye is dry. Get some good natural tears eyedrops and it will clear up pretty quickly if you use them.

      1. This just reminded me I haven’t had that eyelid twitch in a year or so, since I started using Restasis eye drops for dry eyes.

    4. If it’s chronic, I’ve known people with this to get it treated with Botox – either by a neurologist, or a plastic surgeon or nurse injector at the instruction of a neurologist (the latter is better as they can treat without affecting other face movement better than a neurologist can).

    5. Could be caused by a number of things – for me it’s been stress and dehydration. Sometimes being low in vitamin D or potassium can cause it, too.

      1. This is what this has been for me before.

        The doctor said that we use more magnesium if we’re under stress (even if the stress is just something like sleeping poorly).

    7. I have had this on and off and it does eventually go away. For me, eye drops did not help at all but cutting back on caffeine did make a difference. I go for quality over quantity in my coffee when the twitch reappears and that helps usher it out more quickly.

    9. Blepharospasm is the medical term. I’m a doctor. It’s usually stress, sleep deficiency, magnesium/electrolyte deficiency. Usually goes away on its own, but if it persists after you’ve addressed possible root causes (sleep more, stress less, add multivitamin), mention it to your PCP.

  5. Has anyone had any experience with Allara? Web based medical program for those with PCOS. I am in my early 40s, have dealt with this since my 20s, did GLP-1 the last 18 months and finally saw some movement with the insulin related part back to the normal range, but am looking into other maybe there are ways to balance this options. I have a good GYN but they are more of a well if the iud is working we’ll just stick with that type more than a lets dig in and see what we can do to make you healthier overall type.

  6. Other than fancy sneakers, what do people wear wider-leg cropped denim with for footwear?

    3. almond toe loafers, very slim flat booties (the kind that are almost like a sock up the calf a bit, not chunky or ankle height).

    5. Depends on the weather

      When it’s under 32 degrees F – chunky mid height boots – I have gotten a ton of use out of my black Sorel Caribou lace boots this year, and the shaft is a little higher than ankle boots so I actually stay warm.

      When it’s over 32-70 degrees F – loafers, sneakers, or birk clogs. I have been playing with exposed socks because I’ll take that trend since the comfort is excellent, although I generally match my pants (so I’m not that cool – think wide leg cropped black denim, black socks, black bird clogs).

      When it’s over 70 degrees – sandals. Birks or platform or whatever

      1. Lol as an older millennial I still struggle with exposed socks, especially with sneakers! No-show 4 life.

        1. My daughter is early 20s. She wanted socks for Christmas and specified that they needed to be ankle socks. Not no-shows.

          I remember when the de-rigeur socks were tennis style – like no shows but had a little ball/pompom on the back of the heel.

        2. lol I actually hate wearing no show socks so that’s probably why I’m open to exposed socks. No shoes are just so uncomfortable for me!

    6. Clogs, big buckle Birks, chunky boots with a high narrow shaft that goes up under the hem of the jeans.

  7. I used to have a female OB who was older than me and ahead of me in stage of life also (had kids who could drive when I was pregnant). She moved on. Is there a way to try to get an older GYN again (or maybe this is a concierge medicine thing)? My GYN is fine but is a decade younger than I am. It’s great that her schooling is more recent, but I value lived experience a lot and am heading into perimenopause and the lady parts breaking down if family history is any guide. Is this a subspecialty maybe? If not, it should be.

    1. There are fertility specialists in my area that focuse on this – PCOS, infertility, menopause, etc. I was referred from my regular OBGYN (I have PCOS) and they now do my yearly care and bloodwork too.

    2. Can you check out the websites for the GYN practices in your area? Most have pictures and bios for each provider. Then you can call and request to see one who looks suitable for your needs

    3. You can find doctors who are more up to date with current best practices on the treatment of menopause at places like https://portal.menopause.org/NAMS/NAMS/Directory/Menopause-Practitioner.aspx and https://thepauselife.com/pages/recommended-physicians . Then you can probably just look up the candidates online to see who is younger – I feel like all of the physicians I’ve seen on these lists tend to be older.

      I’m not sure what you mean by lady parts breaking down, but if you’re referring to things like pelvic organ prolapse or urinary issues, typically OBs have pretty poor training in those areas and don’t really even point out mild issues to you. You need to advocate for yourself. You’d want to refer yourself to pelvic floor physical therapy and/or urogynecology to get better care. If you have a family history, it’s actually not a bad idea to meet with a pelvic floor physical therapist now so that you’re more aware of ways to optimize your pelvic floor health as you age.

    4. When I research any doctor, I try to find one that didn’t graduate within the past 5 years but also isn’t too close to retirement. I just look up reviews, education and availability to suit my needs.

    5. Honestly, the best doc I’ve had in helping me manage my perimenopause symptoms is pretty young. She has been better about listening, responding, and thoroughly investigating all the angles compared anyone else I’ve had and I’ve always had female OBGYNs. If you know for sure you want someone else I understand but I recommend not discounting young doctors right out of the gate. You might be surprised.

    6. Clinics in my area usually list a doctor’s special clinical interests on their websites. If you can find one who lists your concerns as a special interest, that’s probably a good indicator.

  8. hello friends! I have a recommendation/review and a question for you all.

    one- Indochino review. I actually went and got measured and received my new suit. I’m not sponsored, just wanted to share my experience for anyone else who has been having a hard time finding real traditional wool/silk suits in conservative cuts. They do make women’s suits now, and if you go to the store you will see they also make skirts although that’s not advertised on their page; they also apparently can make a blazer-dress type garment- basically a really long blazer you can wear as a dress? But I got a pants suit. Overall I’d give it a 4/5. The measuring experience was fine; they seemed to take thorough measurements and salesperson was knowledgeable and helpful. The fabrics are really nice and the garment seems very well constructed. there are a lot of little customizations you can choose such as lapel width and style, placement of pockets, etc. the fit is a bit boxy in the shoulders/bust and while I plan to take it back and see if they can improve it a bit, I think ultimately this is because the style/cut does not have as many darts or other shaping as a brand more geared towards women would have. give it a try!

    two- base don someone’s rec here, I decided to try Casey Johnston’s Couch to Barbell. I am totally brand new to working out. I am looking for advice on recovery time. I did my first workout on Sunday afternoon and I was so sore yesterday I could barely walk up/down stairs. Still extremely sore today. I assume recovery time gets shorter or less intense the more you workout, but does that get canceled out at all by the fact that this is a progressive program meant to get a little harder every session? I still need to be able to function in life on rest days and for me that includes things like doing yard work, which I definitely do not feel I would be able to do with the level of soreness I am feeling now. So what can I do to improve my recovery time? How long shold I expect it to take under optimal conditions and how do I create those conditions? TIA!

    1. After a strength session, I usually do 10-15 minutes of light (like 110-120 beats per minute for heart rate) cardio to help flush out lactic acid and then spend 5-10 minutes stretching/foam rolling. I also make sure to get protein through my regular diet to help with the muscle rebuild.

    2. For your question, there is (sadly!!) no magic bullet to decreasing delayed onset muscle soreness. Hydrating and nourishing your body properly will help a bit, and so will getting enough sleep. You can try gentle, restorative forms of movement–for example: taking a walk, or a very slow, gentle yoga practice; if you’re unfamiliar with yoga, look for the word “yin” and feel empowered to modify as desired–and popping an NSAID to help with stiffness, but there’s really nothing for it but time. Your muscle fibers have literally broken down and need time to repair themselves. How long that takes will depend on the intensity of your workout relative to your current level of strength, and also eight million other individual factors.

      You are correct that you will get get fitter and experience this less as you get progressively stronger! But in the meantime, if your workouts leave you so sore that it’s interfering with your daily life, the answer is to dial back the intensity of your workout. Do less weight, do fewer reps, take more breaks.

      Good luck!

    3. That kind of soreness won’t last forever. But probably also means you’re going too hard too fast. Definitely slow down, make sure you’re focused on technique, use a foam roller, and it will get better.

      1. +1. I have been surprised by how slow I need to go with weight lifting and strength training. And I already have a pretty solid workout foundation with HIIT and cardio. I know that lifting heavy is like the holy grail but it takes time to build up to that point. I would dial back a bit.

    4. Blazer dress – that used to be called a coatdress. I had a couple that I was obsessed with in the mid 90s.

    5. On #2, Creatine can help with recovery time. You might be thinking yikes, that is some gym bro supplement that doesn’t apply to me, but it’s pretty well studied and widely accepted as safe.

  9. Please be gentle, genuinely seeking advice for an very first world problem. I grew up very poor — I remember my mother making decisions at the cash register for which groceries to put back because she didn’t have enough money for them. I married a man who has his own money issues, as his parents were in and out of bankruptcy and never had more than two nickels to rub together. We have lived very frugally for our 10 years of marriage and have stable government jobs. We always prioritized savings, bought a much smaller house than we could afford and have taken modest vacations. We don’t live lavishly, but I am happy with our life and don’t want for anything. Our two children are happy and well-rounded and kind.

    We are now at a point where our “vintage” house needs substantial renovations (sad old roof, old plumbing pipes are on borrowed time, old electrical), and we could actually afford to do a fairly major remodel including a new kitchen and bathroom that would help resale down the road. This would take less than half of our investments and we would still have a 2-year emergency fund. But I am terrified at taking hundreds of thousands of our hard-earned dollars and doing it, even though I know we would be so much happier with the end result. We have a ton of equity in our home, but house prices rose so much that we can’t afford anything else in our same neighborhood. I am so scared to give up the security blanket of our large savings (this does not count college or retirement savings which are separate and on track for our goals). It feels like therapy might be the answer, but it also feels silly to ask for help to actually enjoy the spoils of years of hard work (and some luck). Anyone else had to navigate this kind of issue?

    1. Therapy isn’t silly! And home repairs can happen in 6 months when you’re comfortable with it.

      1. Therapy is not silly and it definitely seem like you and your husband would be great candidates for it based on the childhoods you describe.

    2. The only way you will keep equity in your home is to address those issues. Think of it as rebalancing your portfolio, that’s money your spending to preserve an asset not at Gucci.

      1. I don’t think this is very helpful, depending on the exact circumstances of the property market where she lives. Like, my crappy house is about 95% land value, and I could put hundreds of thousands of improvements into it, but unless I totally tear it down and make it a significantly bigger new build, that money won’t be reflected in resale value. Spending no money on my house is the financially wise thing to do, but comfort means something.

        1. Thank you, this is very much where we are. Our land value is now 90% of the total property value. We hope to be here another 5-8 years. Is it worth $300K (ballpark from an architect we consulted with) and all of the renovation stress to have a lovely home with a modern kitchen and new floors, etc., for those years? Or should we just do the bare minimum which is going to be 1/4 that? Either way it’s going to have headaches, and just doing the necessities means we are in an old bathroom, old kitchen, where we will be doing repairs along the way.

          This is the part of adulting no one prepares you for, when you have two equally valid options and no real way to decide except your heart, and your heart is clueless.

          1. It is sort of a self fulfilling prophecy though. An old, decaying house is mostly worth the land it sits on. A small but modern house is worth the land plus the home.

          2. With that timeframe, I’d consider resale value carefully. We did a similar extensive reno to our old house and it was around $250K – including lovely bathrooms – but we plan to live there at least another 20 years so it was worth it to us to pay for the “nice to haves” as we’ll be able to fully enjoy them.

            If you think your house will be a teardown even if you make your existing sq ft nicer, then the analysis changes, since a buyer won’t care that the interior is nice if they’re going to raze it and you only see yourselves getting personal enjoyment for a few years post-reno.

      2. Right. We have an antique home and just accept that we’re going to easily spend $10k/yr (some years less, some more) on maintaining it. In the 15 years we’ve been here we’ve put in new windows, replaced the roof, put in a sump pump/french drain, installed a big dehumidifier in the basement, put in a whole house generator, fixed the a/c units, insulated the attic and basement, and rewired the hot water heater. It’s not ‘fun’ updates and it’s kind of annoying to not be able to show off the pretty new artwork/curtains/furniture but that’s part of the deal of homeownership in an area with not much new construction.

      3. Agree with this framing (and it is true). Think of it as having your car serviced/tires changed. Is it expensive? Yes. Is it less expensive than a new car? Also yes. Replacing your roof is less expensive than replacing your roof and fixing the water damage when it leaks. Replacing your pipes is infinitely less expensive than dealing with the damage when one breaks.

        Also while there might be advantages to having the plumbing and electrical done at the same time, you can stage the work and do the roof before or after depending on urgency and weather where you live. That cuts down on the major cash outlay all up front.

        1. This is a good point – our contractor evaluated our roof and confidently said we’d be ok for 1-2 more years depending on how bad the weather was that winter.

    3. I mean, think about it this way: a functioning roof, plumbing and electric are necessities. What will happen if you don’t fix/replace them? Will you be happy to live in a house without plumbing? Are you willing to risk dying in a fire because your electric is faulty?

      1. +1 – these aren’t optional updates like a kitchen. Roofing, plumbing, and electrical are things that will cause major, expensive problems if not taken care of. Would it help if you see it as needed healthcare for your house? This is also a great way to interview/try out contractors for a more ‘fun’ renovation. I’d get some suggestions of companies/contractors via local friends/Houzz, interview people, and then compare quotes. Having hard numbers in font of you may make it easier to plan for vs. nebulous ‘this is going to be expensive’.

    4. I would take it one item at a time. Sit down and figure out what is in the most need of repair/replacement, not improvement. Is the roof leaking? Rather than just patch the leak, replace the whole roof as your first item. If the roof is just unsightly but functional/not leaking, are the pipes leaking? Fix the pipes by replacing/improving them first if that is the case. Again, replace/upgrade not just fix the isolated issue. Then, reevaluate the other items after that is finished. Having the cost spread out over time could help with the issue of outlaying such a large chunk of money at once. It took you years to accumulate those funds, so spending so much of it at once is hard!

      1. While it’s tempting to think that spreading costs out is cost effective, as someone who’s done a lot of construction and renovations, it is much cheaper to do everything at the same time.

        1. Sure, it might be cheaper, but if OP cannot get over the mental hurdle of even starting, this might be the better method.

      2. I disagree with this – if you know you want to do a lot of work, it will end up being a lot less money to NOT piecemeal it, plus you won’t have the problem of “oh we just redid the roof but now we know we would have changed the roofline here if we’d known what we wanted to do with the bathroom….” etc

    5. There is nothing silly about going to therapy when you’re using words like “terrified” and “so scared.” Please know that the stuff we experience as kids goes in deep. You probably hated standing there at the cash register while your mom made those decisions. You probably often felt scared and insecure or even angry and sad about money. You probably vowed somewhere in the far back reaches of your mind that you were never, ever going to feel like that again and that you would do anything not to be in a situation like that ever again in your life. Now you’re trying to make a rational decision about budgets and investments and housing, and the little kid in you is screaming at you not to do something so stupid and make her feel so vulnerable all over again.
      So, therapy.

    6. Have you gotten a quote for the work? I just dropped $400k on renovations and it isn’t even that much work.

      I say this because you may be better off moving. I wish we’d moved. (DH is happy we didn’t).

      1. I agree that it may be better to just move. The scope of work sounds like it’ll require moving out for a time anyway. Big projects like these often have unknowns once the walls are open that mean significant bumps in cost.

        If it’s hard to fathom spending the estimate, it’s going to be even harder to deal with increases and delays while paying rent on a temporary home.

        I’d use home equity + savings to buy a newer house nearby over taking on a renovation this big.

        1. I had all of my plumbing re-done (I had that awful plastic piping) and my roof replaced and did not have to move our for either one. I spent one night at my parents and that was it. I am not sure about replacing electrical but I cannot imagine it is worse than plumbing.

          This is not like a kitchen or bathroom remodel that can take a long time. Once they figure out the plan for the new layout, it is just cut the drywall, turn off the water/power, put in the new material (we just abandoned the old); turn the water/power back on, replace drywall and paint. The only part that I needed to be out of the house for was when I did not have water and the whole process took three days + another once the drywall cured for painting.

    7. Therapy will help you get over the mental hurdle of the spend for sure. That said, what is ‘vintage’? Century homes are really best served by restoration, rather than renovation, but if it’s just a mass produced 80s burb Reno away.

    8. This sounds like a two part issue – 1 house; and 2 emotions about money and savings.
      1 house – you need facts from experts. Get a general contractor in for ball park repair estimate. Meet with a realtor or real estate planner to discuss the long term value of your neighborhood (hot now but trendy and maybe volitile, or a steady value holder, etc.). Once you know the repair costs, neighborhood value, look into cost of major referb (almost, but not complete, rebuild) to get what you want at once rather than piecemeal repairs without getting improved flow. Facts will help with the unsettled emotions.
      2 emotions – name the emotions with your husband. Get advice from financial experts, discuss your risk levels. Financial experts may be able to suggest some less risky financial vehicles for you for the money you are not putting into the house, which could ease some of the anxiety of spending down the overall total in the short term. (If it’s anxiety, for instance.)

    9. My parents are opposites with money: one spends every cent that comes in the door, and one refuses to spend money ever. (That’s why they didn’t last.) So neither of them ever put money into homes: both let decks rot. One waited until someone fell through it to replace it; one just tore it down when it decayed.

      Please don’t be those people. Updated plumbing, electrical, and roofs are not really optional. Please do them so your kids can live in a home that is up to code. If that means that a nice bathroom is a small marginal expense, get the new bathroom.

      I say this as a ruthlessly frugal person. I appreciate that my grandparents would just… fix their houses. My middle class in-laws… fix their houses.

      1. This was also my parents’ behavior (different origins, I think) and it was and is so embarrassing that they let every piece of property they own decay into total ruin.

    10. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars renovating my house. At first I was like oh no, what have I done? But if you plan to live there indefinitely, then you know that you need to at the very least address things like the roof, plumbing, and electric. Once you spend the money you will not quickly gain it back in equity, but eventually you will. I’ve probably broken even over the years, which is thrilling – and I plan to live here for at least another decade. If I had sold and bought a new house, it may have been easier but I would have spent $$$$ on things like closing costs, transfer tax, and other fees. Plus mortgage rates are way higher.

      One of my neighbors has not done anything to their house. They have years of water damage from a roof they didn’t replace. Now the kids are trying to sell it but it’s probably a tear down.

    11. Assuming that you are not going to do an addition to the house, call the roofer this week. A leaky roof can take out a lot of your house, and honestly, isn’t likely as expensive as you think. You also aren’t going to get a “bundling” discounts on doing the roof with other renovations, it just is what it is. I’ve always been taught the first step is to seal up the house, then address the inside. Give yourself time to breathe. Plumbing and electrical will rip up up a lot of your house since it is all in the wall, so that’s the time that makes sense to do other updates. If you have someone to talk to, look at what needs to be prioritized on that side. If your house is “vintage” enough, that it still has knob and tube wiring in it, then you probably need to pull equity out ASAP to fix it. But, it might not be as bad as you think. Short version, start tackling these issue because they could very well be more manageable than you think.

    12. Get at least three quotes for the work and references so you can feel comfortable with who you hire.

      Focus on the functional over the fun. Roof and plumbing are always good investments.

      For kitchen and bathroom – if you have solid wood cupboards/vanity and the layout is good, then repainting cupboards professionally and new flooring and countertops can make a huge difference.

      Set a budget for each thing you want or need done and then figure out what you can make happen in the budget. A kitchen reno can be $15 000 or $90 000 depending on what you want done.

    13. Your anxieties are common for those of us who grow up low income. I had a similar experience as a child, and also had to make those choices at the grocery store myself while in grad school. Therapy has been very helpful to deal with my anxiety around finances. My husband and I are similarly stable, but I still was dealing with a lot of anxiety around waiting for the other shoe to drop. That meant I would buy the cheapest thing possible, even if it was poor quality and broke quickly.

    14. Yes on the remodel. Just make sure you’re going to get exactly what you want. You mentioned your house was “smaller” – is what you really want a larger home? If that’s the case you’re better off moving. I know too many people who did expensive remodels and still didn’t get what they really wanted & they ended up selling and moving.

      In terms of investments, I’m told that kitchens and bathroom remodels give you the most bang for your buck.

      1. It’s amazing how many people I know have gone through the stress and money of renovating, saying that would make it possible for that house to be their “forever home,” only to move two or three years later.

    15. This may sound silly but can you put the money in a separate “home renovation account”? My husband grew up similarly and that’s really helped him. Once money is in a “vacation” account he’s much more comfortable spending it on vacation. We tend to add to those accounts over time.

    16. Oh yes, I have been there for sure. Growing up with no money had a lasting mental impact for me.
      Therapy helped, so did Debtors anonymous (not because I had debt…because I lived in a full on deprivation
      mindset).
      I had such a hard time spending on the good stuff….would only get on clearance, would not ever upgrade. etc. That has improved, progress not perfection.
      I will spend easily on safety items; ie electrical for sure.
      I am slower to spend on upgrades, clothing, travel though

    17. Are you being realistic about your selling timetable? If you can’t afford to move now, even with a 2-yr emergency fund and hundreds of thousands of dollars more in cash, what makes you think you’ll be able to move in 2-3 years?

      It seems to me that 1) you really can afford to move sooner, but it’s the money anxiety saying you can’t, or 2) moving is more like 5 years down the road, as the markets will likely be logjammed for a while longer and you aren’t going to see a significant drop in prices

      If moving is 5+ years away, then I’d do the full reno you want. If you want to move sooner, plan to move within the year and then you can possibly skip the maintenance costs

    18. You should seriously consider whether you should do the renovations or just move to another house. Run the numbers. It may make more sense to move, especially if your house is a tear down due to the size of the lot and the condition of the house. Renovations are time consuming and a lot of work, even if you’re not the person doing the actual labor.

    19. We have a lot in common, about how we grew up, and your fears.
      But I am older, and have been at a similar crossroads.

      You said 90% of your home’s value was in the land.
      If that is true, I would not put $300k into the house to redo everything, especially if you are not planning to stay and enjoy it in retirement. You will never get that amount back on resale. Talk to a local realtor and ask them! But the land will continue to grow in value, and the house as well as long as it is livable on valuable land – and even if it is not, since the land is so valuable!

      That amount of work you suggest will be a huge amount of time, and will stress you out beyond belief, and will wind up being much more than you budget, and I would be shocked if it would increase the value of your home.

      Figure out what you need to have done so that your home remains livable and you are happy there. Routine maintenance that is essential should be done to preserve its resale. You do not have to re-do everything to modern standards to sell it! Especially if it is on valuable land.

      I am living in a 100+ year old house.

      It has old plumbing. But it works, it doesn’t leak, and small routine maintenance is not terrible at all.
      It has old electrical. But it works, we know where not to overload it. It is fine. We have an emergency generator, (which was no where near as expensive as re-doing the electrical) which has turned out to be a nice thing in a state where weather can be harsh.
      We keep up all the critical maintenance. We do the roof, when it is time. We replace important things when it is time. But we don’t re-do a kitchen or bathroom when it works fine. It will not increase the value enough in our old modest small house, and I wont live here forever. I will sell next year after doing superficial repairs/painting.

      1. To clarify – $300k+ will increase the value of the home, but not enough to make up for the cost of the repairs. But that $300k in the stock market, and just don’t routine maintenance on the house.

        And take more vacations, and retire more secure.

    20. Having a similar background, I found it very helpful to work with a certified financial planner — not a wealth manager. She was really helpful with discussing aligning my money with my values. For instance, you have identified structural issues that need to be done, so of course plan for those. But what about those other projects that will make it more enjoyable for you to live in that house while you’re there? Rationally, it sounds like you have covered your expenses and emergencies. Are you planning to hoard the money forever? If you did do this project, how else could you finance it and what are the pros and cons of those avenues?

    21. Your home likely needs the renovation or remodel to hold its value. And your improvements will help to add more value hopefully. Think of this as an investment in your home. Also ..my home improvement projects generally made me happier, cut down time spent on cleaning, maxed out storage, etc.

      re frame this.

  10. have i just been living under a rock or how long has the UN been such a hot mess. i find it absurd that after almost 5 months they’ve concluded there are “reasonable grounds” to believe Hamas committed r*pe, “s*xualized torture,” etc. on October 7th and that it is ongoing. I can kind of understand how they perhaps only have “reasonable grounds” to believe it is ongoing, but shouldn’t they have more certainty than that about what happened in October?

    1. Obviously the UN is a joke. I feel like this is well known??? (And I’m in a crunchy public sector, do-gooder job.)

      1. Yeah my career has bounced between USAID and international NGOs and I’d say there are some things they do well and other things they’re awful at

    3. Couldn’t agree more. It was despicable how the UN made no statement on the sexual violence Hamas committed against women (not against “people” as the Washington Post is reporting) for so many weeks. I believe the decision was deliberate and not an oversight.

      1. I didn’t read the WashPo article but I did previously read that some men may have also been assaulted sexually

        1. You know how in Romance languages, the presence of one man means you address the group as men? I see the same thing happening here when it’s 99% women. We should name that and treat the problem accordingly – this is violence against women.

        2. I read the same thing. It wasn’t only women and girls. I thought all this was common knowledge by now.

    4. as a kid I was super into learning about the UN, was so excited to go on a tour when visiting nyc, etc. and this just makes me sad. it’s also kind of ironic since the UN helped create Israel in the first place with the 1947 Partition Plan, but now seems to be so anti.

    5. They are under immense pressure to confirm it while sifting through confirmed lies, propaganda, inconsistent secondhand accounts, limited forensic evidence, assurances of the existence of survivors but the absence of any firsthand victim testimony, questionable journalism, and a mountain of circumstantial evidence. This is as good as it is going to get. Take it.

      1. This response right here is why the slogan “me too, unless you’re a Jew” came into being. Disgusting.

        1. Agreed. Didn’t we all preach believe women at some point? Apparently that doesn’t extend to Jewish or Israeli women. False accounts, lies, questionable journalism, circumstantial evidence, blah blah blah.

          1. Agreed. Didn’t we all preach believe women at some point? Apparently that doesn’t extend to Jewish or Israeli women. False accounts, lies, questionable journalism, circumstantial evidence, blah blah blah.

        2. Is there something inaccurate here, or do you just think the UN shouldn’t have done its own investigation and was obligated to just announce a particular conclusion?

          1. Pretending that Hamas didn’t rape women is a denial of reality that I wouldn’t expect to see from educated readers on this site. OF COURSE Hamas did – its entire reason to exist is to annihilate Jews. It’s entirely plausible that this COULD have happened and the evidence of survivors from October 7 is just that – evidence. Why else were women found with bloodstained pants? Please tell me your alternate hypothesis. And then tell me why you’re reaching for one.

          2. Given the educated readership of this si!e, I wouldn’t expect to see a straw man argument in response to nuanced comments here

      2. i’m confused. i’ve missed the past few news cycles, but were the videos and witnesses shown to be false? i know that at this point there is lots propaganda on both sides, but i thought that the fact that s*xual violence took place was a confirmed fact.

        1. Nope, they were not. There’s only one side engaging in propaganda here and it’s not Israel.

        2. There is not a ton of direct evidence because of the way the dead victims of violence/terrorism are handled in Israel. A volunteer (but very professional) group called ZAKA handles the bodies. They are mostly very religious and operate from a primary principle of providing dignity to the deceased. Some of them have said that on October 7th and the following days, it did not occur to them to take photos or swab samples or document nails and knives and other items inserted in genitalia and/or used to destroy those body parts and kill people because they were focused on gently providing dignity to the people who died.

          1. Plus there is the direct evidence of Hamas live-streaming these events in real time. And several UN employees have affiliations with Hamas and were involved in planning the Oct 7 massacre. Oh, but the UN just fired them, so all is good now.

      3. Get out of here. Didn’t the UN try to incriminate Ukrainians for engaging in warfare near civilians when Ukrainians were trying to protect civilians targeted by an invading army?

      4. There was literally video evidence. Did you not read the British news article back in the fall where a news reporter talked about watching hardened colleagues throwing up in the corridor after watching some of the videos shown when the footage was released?

        1. Yes, the video shown to reporters implies sexual violence and contains footage of people reporting witnessing such violence to others

    6. Gently (and thank you for being an ally), you have been living under a rock. The Association of Rape Crisis Centers in Israel released this 60 page report last month (I will link to the English version below). The bottom line appears on page five: “The report clearly shows that sexual abuse was not an isolated incident or sporadic oppurtunistic cases but rather a clear operational strategy.“

      It is beyond words that all the people who have spent years chanting “Believe the Women” can’t believe Israeli women and men.

    7. I haven’t read the report. I don’t need to. Hamas clearly used rape as an instrument of terror. It’s a terrorist organization. There are many evil people in Hamas. They should be punished as severely as any other murdering, rapist terror organization. Hamas should be rooted out.

      But the vast majority (tens of thousands!!!) of the Palestinian civilians – men, women, and especially children- did not rape or murder anyone or have anything to do with those crimes other than the mere fact of being Palestinian. So no matter how many times you scream about what Hamas did, I will *never, ever* believe it justifies what Israel is doing now. Most of the world feels the same way.

      1. the second part of your post is irrelevant to what the OP posted. whether Israel’s response is appropriate is not what OP posted about. that being said, in any war or conflict civilians are often killed even though they themselves have nothing to do with the events or reasons that the war began. i’m not saying I agree with Israel’s actions, but historically most civilian deaths in war are kind of wrong place, wrong time and not because particular civilians did something wrong

          1. It’s entirely relevant because the atrocities Hamas committed, including rape, are being used every single day to justify the systematic slaughter of tens of thousands of innocent women and children. Don’t tell me that isn’t true because I see it on my own instagram feed every day.

      2. I think your second paragraph is totally relevant and thank you for including it. There has been several threads on this blog speaking about the victims in Israel; almost nothing about the 30k+ Palestinians killed in genocide. I remember a few weeks back there were posters actually trying to explain away why what happens to the Palestinians isn’t apartheid. It is mind boggling. The comments saying it’s not relevant to what the OP said are pretty typical of a lot of people I know IRL that when if you bring up the mass execution of the Palestinians, always minimize it or shift away from it, but they are the same people who never seem to think that the loss of POC are relevant in any circumstances so par for the course. They never deem it it worthwhile to acknowledge that an entire ethnic group is being wiped out.

  11. I need a windbreaker or other light layer for running. I’m super slow, mostly run/walk intervals, not out very long (hour or less), but my leggings + moisture wicking tee + track jacket/sweatshirt outfit isn’t cutting it. Any suggestions for something reasonably priced that I could preferably machine wash and dry if it needed cleaning?

      1. I have a oiselle jacket w/front pockets that zip – believe it is called the vim jacket.

    3. Get a reflective windbreaker so you can be seen. I got mine from A*mazon, nothing fancy. Works great !

  12. I’m looking for job ideas. I practiced big law for a few years before leaving to stay home with my kids for the past 8 years. I’m not interested in practicing law but am looking for something I can do remotely. Maybe something where I could use my research skills?

        1. Depends on the state. Many Massachusetts clerkships require in-person and then hybrid.

    2. Similar background and I’ve been home with my kids almost as long. I’ve been thinking about what returning to work might look like. I loved practicing law, but am far from wanting to give the amount of time I’d need to give to do the kind of legal work I most enjoyed.

      If I could find something I liked that was 20 hours/week and let me take off during school breaks, I’d jump at the chance. That seems like a pipe dream, so I’m continuing to stay home for now.

      I’m sorry I don’t have advice, just wanted to say that you’re not alone.

    3. As an HR person, you may want to look into labor relations/labor law type roles. We hire a lot of former lawyers into those, and the roles tend to be virtual with some travel.

    4. I’m a lawyer who switched careers and became a professional writer in the marketing/communications field. It’s nowhere near as intellectually challenging as practicing law was and the pay is much worse, but I’m fully remote, work no more than 40 hours per week, have lots of vacation time and have my elementary age kids home with me after school and for a large chunk of the summer.

    6. A lot of SmallLaw firms would jump at the opportunity to hire someone with BigLaw skills on an hourly basis. There are so many ways to practice law, and do good, intellectually challenging, sophisticated work, outside of BigLaw. Try boutiques that specialize in your area of expertise, mid-sized firms or even tiny firms. If it is the law itself that you do not like, rather than BigLaw, I would still encourage you to give it a try. I went through a similar career crisis once upon a time and could never come up with something that would pay me as well as law, so I changed firms and suddently liked the practice of law a lot more than I had before.

    7. Best ever social studies teacher my kids had (and debate teacher) was an ex-lawyer who decided to teach middle and high school. Consider that your skills may be portable to other types of work.

      1. On the other hand, I feel like MANY people think they would be awesome teachers, but very few have the skill set to actually succeed at the job and there’s not a lot of overlap between personality traits that make one a good lawyer and personality traits that make one a good K-12 teacher. Not to disparage this teacher, who I’m sure was great, but I feel like too many people go into teaching as this fantasy dream job thing, without thinking through the reality of how hard it will be and how it will challenge them in ways they’re not used to. I’m thinking in particular of a lawyer relative who always talked about how leaving law for teaching was her ultimate dream. She was a very smart, hard-working person who made an excellent lawyer, but I can say with confidence she would have been a spectacularly awful teacher.

  13. Ugghhhhh FedSoc at my law school is bringing Jay Mitchell, the AL SC judge who wrote the IVF opinion to campus today. Should I go and get my IVF baby cooties on him?

    1. Like, they’re bringing him in for a talk?
      What could he possibly have to say that your law school thinks is valuable?

    2. No, you should read the opinion because you’re a 3L, and understand the statute that was being interpreted.

        1. Because the opinion very clearly said absolutely nothing that would imply that “IVF baby cooties” would be a thing he would even believe in.

          1. At risk of stating the obvious, of course the IVF baby cooties thing was a joke. It’s easier and more comfortable to joke about his abhorrent opinion on this forum than it is to discuss how the majority opinion was offensive and dehumanizing to me as both a woman of childbearing age and a person born through IVF.

            This opinion (even without considering the concurrence) lays the groundwork perfectly for fetal/embryonic personhood. That is not a world I want to live in.

    3. I’m really curious about what kind of reception he’ll get. I have no idea what this is – are audience members allowed to ask questions? I would go to observe.

      It’s wild to me that in my lifetime, IVF has gone from Scary test tube babies, what will they even be like (first one was born in 1978 when I was about 10 years old) to Everyone who wants to should be able to use IVF (which, to be sure, I think is a good outcome).

      1. FedSoc announced the event at the VERY last minute, but some student orgs are going to protest/ask questions. I’ll be there in my

    5. Please go and ask him why he thinks it’s appropriate to use the bible to interpret our laws.

  14. My new pet peeve is people using ‘colorways’ instead of just ‘colors’ when only solid colors are being discussed.

      1. I’m a knitter. Yarns come in colorways, especially when a yarn is dyed different colors within the skein. This used to be called variegated. So you might have a yarn that produces dark blue, light blue, green, and beige stripes as you knit. This might be called the blue colorway, if the background colors are predominantly blue.

        But if something is solid color, it is not a colorway.

    6. I think it can also be a combination of solid colors. Blue with purple and yellow accents could be the blue colorway.

  15. Runners- I googled, there were many options so looking for personal recs.

    1) I’m doing a 10k training program and am pretty out of shape. I am looking for some way to listen to music and also use an interval timer. I have an app, but it is tricky to use that with any music streaming app. What are my options? I mention that it’s a 10k because my intervals are pretty short. I have a Fitbit and my husband had an Apple Watch I could theoretically use for this purpose?

    2) running shorts with a stretchy/tight phone pocket where the phone won’t bounce. Like a ball pocket in a tennis skirt. My 11 year old has some really cute ones she wears for tennis but the are too teenager-y looking for me. I’m a 45 y/o size 12.

    1. Running shorts: Oiselle pocket joggers, Run in Rabbit Leggy shorts, or FlipBelt shorts.

      Hot take on #1: short intervals aren’t something you should be doing for very long. You’re better off with, say, 9 min run 6 min walk than 90 sec run 60 sec walk. I know a fair number of people who never move off baby intervals and don’t understand why they don’t improve. You just aren’t triggering physiological adaptations.

    3. Get yourself a running belt for the phone (Spi belt or others). I’ve had one for years, and it does not bounce and isn’t at all noticeable. I actually kind of like that it helps hold my pooch in place when I run. And you can wear it with all of your running outfits, not just shorts, and carry other things (keys, ID, credit card, etc.). I’m not even sure if they make running shorts with pockets big enough for a phone.

    4. Bike shorts with a pocket are what I wear as a 43-year-old size 12. I may never wear actual running shorts again. Great at preventing the chub rub, too. I prefer a 6-inch inseam so they don’t cover the whole leg.

    5. I listen to music on Spotify and I do long runs. I started slow and built up. I didn’t do interval training.

  16. I’m going to Miami next weekend for a short getaway and looking for some solo indoor activities to do in case it rains. The main plan is to sit by the pool and read/drink and then go out to dinner. My friend said she’d be happy to stay in bed and read if it rains, but I know I’ll get antsy doing that. It looks like the Bass Art Museum is right up the street from us, but if there’s any other recommendations, I’m happy to start a short list.

    1. The Faena hotel in that neighborhood has rotating art exhibits and an amazing set of art in their public areas plus an incredible spa – I’d pop over there to see what they have going on.

    2. Oh hey I just went to Miami with my BF last week and had a great time sitting on the beach reading, walking around and going to dinner. I’ve also been to Miami something like six times so I’ve done a bunch of the nearby things.

      This stuff is in Miami proper instead of Miami Beach, but it’s an easy uber ride over.
      – Books & Books in Coral Gables – beautiful, huge bookstore with a cafe
      – If you like thifting or vintage shopping there are a lot of options, though probably easier with a car.
      – Superblue Miami – fun and slightly gimmicky immersive art exhibits (similar to the Van Gogh experience, if you’ve done that)
      – Skip the art deco museum in south beach. It’s tiny and lackluster.
      – There’s a meh Regal movie theater in Lincoln Road Mall in South Beach, and a CMX movie theater that serves a full menu across the bay in Miami

  17. It is a slow rainy day . . . those of you who like to thrift/shop estate sales online, can you share your favorite and trusted sites? I googled last night, but I have no experience doing this and don’t know which ones are legit and which ones are not. Thanks in advance!!

    1. Similarly, where to thrift designer bags? I’ve stumbled onto vintage Coach restoration Tiktok. I successfully cleaned several old leather bags, which now look incredible, but I haven’t found any Coach at my local Salvation Army / Goodwill in Boston. Do I need to visit suburbs? Do they find these bags at Goodwill online?

      2. The Coach bags are usually behind the counter or attached via zip tie to a wall display in my experience. I’ve also seen entire display racks devoted just to Coach (outdated, less desirable bags) at my local “Goodwill Boutique” here in Denver that’s called Deja Blue. The good bags they keep behind the counter on a pegboard.

    2. Auction Ninja! Jackpot if you are in CT, but there are other locations as well, and sometimes they ship.

  18. Waiting today on a response from the seller on our counter offer to buy their home. I’m so so anxious! Heart racing, can’t concentrate at work. Ahh.

    In other news, does anyone have any suggestions for couches/fabrics that are resistant to cat scratching and/or couches with slip covers? TIA!

    1. Our cat does not scratch our “performance velvet” couch — ours is from West Elm but I think C&B, R&B, Pottery Barn all have similar fabrics. She also doesn’t deliberately scratch our leather couch, but sometimes her nails leave marks anyway so that’s less ideal.

    2. My cats ignore velvet, leather, suede, and microfiber. Anything with a weave is an issue.

      1. +1. My cat has completely ignored/avoided the leather couch. The tweed/woven couch has been torn to shreds.

    3. I think it depends on your cat. Our cats’ favourite was a nice tweed/slubby fabric. That couch had to go. They mostly left our tightly woven “normal” couch alone, but occasionally would go at the arm. They don’t bother the leather couch at all.

    4. Good luck! Hope the house works out. My 2 cats ignore leather and velvet. They scratched “regular” fabric furniture I previously had. I did the double sided tape, which was moderately effective but didn’t look great.

    6. Cats are attracted to surfaces with texture – anything they step on that makes their toes spread.

      They ruined a chair of mine that had a lot of texture, like a jacquard/damask type thing. They leave the leather furniture alone.

    7. I have a velvet couch that’s been mostly ignored by my two cats but they LIVE to scratch the boucle/tweed bench in my bedroom. I have only had the bench a couple months and I’m already thinking about reupholstering it in a less nubby fabric (like velvet ahah)

  19. We want to reupholster a wingback armchair and I need help finding a fabric. I think we want a deep blush color (or something warm) and probably a solid, but also open to subtle prints. It would need to be resistant to cat-scratching, although fortunately she only tries it occasionally anyway. Durability in general would also be a plus but I don’t want anything treated with waterproofing chemicals or similar. Any ideas for me?

    2. Modern Fabrics sells upholstery fabric remnants from furniture manufacturers in North Carolina. If you know how much yardage you need, you can browse their selection online and they do send swatches so you can see and feel the fabric in person. It’s a great way to get premium quality at a discount, and you’re keeping it out of the landfill, so win-win.

    3. Velvet is actually pretty good for cats, but get the sticky covers too. Otherwise, I would just go to upholstery fabric stores and feel samples. It’s really hard to pick fabric if you’re not seeing it in person.

      1. so with white sneakers and a summer dress or skirt– visible sock? this is going to take getting used to.

        1. I’m opting out of this trend. I think it’s going to be short lived and find it unattractive.

          3. I’m even worse…

            I think skirts/dresses with big white sneakers is unattractive.

            We like what we like. And what we get used to.

        2. I answered right away and do think that the answer to this is still yes, however I am a millennial who would really struggle with that combo. So I feel you :) but I did just google pictures of “visible socks outfits” and found a bunch of option that I didn’t think were horrible on other people, so I’m betting this is an eye adjustment thing.

          1. I’m in my 50s and I just can’t with the visible socks – between that and pants that are wider, I look like my 80-year-old mother no offense to stylish 80-year-olds). I like wide pants and straight leg pants, but I prefer not to have socks showing, it just looks dowdy on me.

            Plus, except for Costco wool trail socks, most socks fall down on me! I’m sticking with the no-shows, fortunately I live a life where no one will mock me for this, or if they do, I don’t care.

    2. This one is so hard. I’m 44 and grew up wearing “showing” socks. Got to college on the East coast and no one out there was wearing them. So made the switch quickly to not look out of place!!!! Hard to go back after that. Same with sooo many of the new fashions. Remind me of stuff I wore/my teachers wore in junior high and high school and not sure I want to wear – so much frump! But comfortable, so there’s that.

      1. I say we bring back the footie socks with the little colored ponpoms at the heel. Who’s with me?

    3. All the young people, men and women, at my gym are wearing their leggings tucked into their over the ankle socks right now. It’s a look.

      1. My 8 year old has been doing this and I thought it was just a random kid thing, but maybe she’s actually aware of a trend that I don’t know about!

    4. Yes but in my humble opinion socks with big sneakers and a dress is a look best reserved for people in their teens and early 20s. It looks ridiculous on a grown woman (although I make an exception for tourists in Europe dressing for comfort and long days of walking). In fact, I refuse to wear anything other than the lowest profile sneaks with a dress (I wore long dresses and Keds in my early 20s so that might be part of the problem).

      That said, I am SO HAPPY I can wear trouser socks with full length pants again! I hate the feeling of bare feet in shoes, had a hard time finding no-show socks that did not slip, and felt like the sliver of ankle we were all showing for a decade made my legs look stumpy. Not to mention I found it really hard to figure out how it was meant to look from year to year (how much ankle? cuffed, rolled, raw edge hem? am I really going to wear shoes that look like hooves?) I very much prefer a full length trouser with a trouser sock that only shows when I sit down.

      But then as I have said before: trends are for women under 30. I aim for reasonably current so I do not look like I got stuck in a time warp but I am not worrying about what is in “this season”.

      1. I’m so sad that you think other women who are 31+ can’t delight in current trends if they want to. It’s really really really okay for folks to have fun with their clothes!

        1. Having gone to grad school and then a postdoc position I couldn’t really afford to participate in trends until I was over 30!

          1. Sam here! I grew up in a very restrictive home and didn’t have any money until I was in my 30s. I’m 41 now and wearing the heck out of some trends when I enjoy them! It’s kind of disheartening to see women here (on a fashion blog??) constantly denigrate this.

  21. Low stakes question: what laundry detergent do you use? I was using the Grove sheets but I feel like they haven’t been getting my clothes as clean as it used to, so I switched to Tide powder. I don’t love how Tide smells, so I’m looking for a new option.

    I’d like something with a medium-strong fragrance so clean clothes that are pulled out of a drawer smell good but not so strong it’s overpowering, I prefer powder or sheets to liquid, and I want my clothes to feel clean. I want clothes and sheets to smell clean and fresh—my biggest issue with the Tide powder is that the scent doesn’t smell fresh but the Tide pods scent is overwhelmingly too strong.

    1. All Free and Clear. I can’t stand laundry scents and the All seems to do a good job.

      1. This is what I do as well. OP, could you do essential oils on those wool laundry balls for scent?

      2. +1 and I cannot be next to people who reek of detergent scents- instant headache

      3. Yes. Liquid. Liquid and water in first, then clothes.

        We tried the Earth-something sheets. Not as clean and TEN TIMES as expensive per wash.

    4. I really love Dirty Labs products. They have a liquid and a powder booster- so not quite what you are looking for- but the scent is really good and they do a great job cleaning. Powder is easier to find in a pod, but a lot of those don’t have a great scent. Sheets tend to not clean as well or have as strong a scent but you might like the ECOS ones!

      1. Same. I was previously using All Free & Clear or Kirkland, and Dirty Labs is so much more effective at cleaning. You know how towels sometimes smell musty wet out of the washing machine? The smell is completely gone when I use Dirty Labs. There are two smells – the green and purple. I hate most laundry scents, but the green smells great. Just a hint of fragrance when I pull my pajamas out of the drawer.

    6. Free & clear & enzymatic. Enzymatic cleaners seem essential for any synthetics I’m washing.

      If I want a fragrance, I’ll just spray some on my clothes. Laundry detergent fragrances don’t actually smell good.

    7. I use nature clean laundry strips because they’re enzyme free and most of my clothes are natural fibres.

        2. Enzymes can harm wool and silk.

          Cotton, linen or wood pulp fabrics should fine, though.

    8. Purex unscented or Arm & Hammer unscented. If you must have a scent, can you do herbal sachets in your drawers?

      Strong artificial fragrances bother me, so much so that I actively minimize time spent in the presence of a few people I otherwise love dearly. Holiday gatherings mean I literally break out in hives if I sit next to them during the meal.

    9. Tide free & gentle for everything but workout clothes. For workout clothes, I use Hex.

    10. Tide powder.
      I probably use about a quarter of what the box says I should use, and have no issues with it getting my clothes clean. I also don’t love the smell so I like that it fades.
      Clean doesn’t have a smell, so I don’t really understand what you mean by wanting your clothes and sheets to smell clean and fresh…do you mean smell like the arificial laundry detergent scents?

    11. I use European brands with no fragrances, powder for regular, liquid for wool and silk, specialty products for stains.

      I’ve used unscented laundry detergent for decades. After a while I noticed that I no longer find scented laundry fresh smelling, the fragrances make them smell off, like when somebody used to use a lot of perfume or gum to mask smoking. You might not have that same reaction, but it’s worth knowing about, there’s a sort of scent reset that can happen.

      1. Yes, I’m a big second hand buyer per an above post. The things I get that smell the worst are those washed in super scented laundry products. I can barely stand having them around until I do a load of wash.

        Laundry scents are getting stronger and stronger, because people become anosmic to them after smelling them every day, so the manufacturers keep adding more so people will get another hit of “fresh” scent (which means, perfume) – which they will then become anosmic to after a while. It’s an arms race with no end.

    12. You have become accustomed to “smelling fresh” meaning being perfumed. That’s not fresh. That’s an artificial fragrance.

    13. I like TruEarth strips or Seventh Generation liquid. I don’t have a powder rec. I generally go fragrance free, but Seventh Generation lavender smells lovely in my opinion.

  22. While I’m not unhappy about social media being down necessarily, does anyone else find this totally weird? I hate how vulnerable we actually are as a country…

    2. I mean, I’ll be worried about the country vulnerabilities when we’re talking about electric grids and water systems.

      Facebook can go away right now and it would be a major adjustment that I’d be fine with in a month. Frankly if it just went away I’d actually be happy – but as it is I feel too tied into it (small side business posts and family message chats) to just leave.

      So no, social media being down is not really something I think is a major vulnerability…misinformation when they’re up and running is way more of a vulnerably problem in my opinion.

      1. It’s not just “ooh sad Facebook is down, no social media for me!” The ability of bad actors to take down major communication networks (because that’s what social media is at heart) could be extremely damaging. That is done to prevent dissidents from organizing, popular movements from gaining steam, and more. It’s a big deal.

        I also agree that misinformation (and use of platforms to drive criminality/riots) is a problem when they’re up and running. “Solutions” for that are beyond the scope of a quick post here.

        1. While I do believe that what you’re saying is important, I don’t believe it’s been reported that it was a cyber attack. It could easily be an internal situation at Meta. I work in IT Infrastructure and it’s not unheard of, even at the huge tech companies.

      2. Yes I imagine the Change Healthcare cyberattack is affecting people more (even now).

    3. What’s weird about it? Large websites sometimes go down. I’ve been on Facebook since spring 2004 and there have been plenty of brief outages.

    4. I don’t even have a FB account. It would be scary if all SM platforms went down at once, if there was a regular media blackout across a large region, or if communication methods generally stopped working with no explanation and no other way to communicate. However, if a simple FB outage without further context leaves you anxious, that seems to speak more to your individual dependency on SMS than it does to our nation’s vulnerabilities.

    5. I…um….wouldn’t call not having access to social media being vulnerable, but maybe that’s just me because I’m not on social media?
      Now if we were talking about another blackout like Aug ’03, then I would probably agree with you…

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