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Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Matteo Dickey Jacket

Veronica Beard makes some of my favorite blazers, and in one of the widest size ranges I’ve seen. This faux double-breasted blazer comes in sizes 00–24 and is something that I would want to wear at least weekly.

I particularly like the button placement here. Rather than a true double-breasted situation, there’s a center button that creates a more modern look with a very flattering silhouette.

If the magenta color is a bit too Legally Blonde for your taste, it also comes in black.

The blazer is $487, marked down from $695.

A more affordable option is this blazer from Riley & Rae that's on sale for $49.50 at Macy's; also check out this magenta blazer at the Theory Outlet for $148.50.

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

389 Comments

    2. Related PSA: The new Saved by the Bell on Peacock is very good. (I am a super fan of it’s writer/creator Tracey Wigfield, who has also written/produced for 30 Rock, Mindy Project, and Great News)

  2. A few people have posted about “hitting a wall” with energy/ stress during the pandemic, but I’m hitting a different kind of wall and wanted to see if anyone else is successfully navigating this.
    I’ve become more annoyed with my husband, to the point where I’m snapping at him or micro-managing things he’s doing.
    And I would get it if I were one of the overworked moms with unbearable division of labor, but… We do a great job dividing house work, and when I’m busy he picks up more than 50% of it.
    I don’t really know where it’s coming from, and I feel awful being a sh*tty partner.
    Is this something anyone else is experiencing right now? Do you consider it part of the pandemic stresses?

    1. You’ve been trapped indoors with your spouse for a year now. Short tempers are normal.

      If you feel like it’s something that a weekend apart wouldn’t cure, a common symptom of depression in women is irritability.

      1. Both of these things. a) We’re all a bit chippy and short-tempered right now. If you can find some time and space for yourself, it may help some. b) Irritability is a sign that my own depressive tendencies are flaring up.

      2. +1 to all of this. We have a kid and all three of us are just sick of each other. It’s hard.

    2. It’s part of pandemic stress, but it’s very damaging and should be treated/stopped as a top priority. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

      1. Agree that this can be very damaging as I have been on the receiving end and and frankly I’m starting to check out of the relationship. If some of the other suggestions here don’t help, then consider therapy to understand the root cause of the behavior.

    3. When I find this happening with my husband, it is because our interactions have become quite transactional, we’re struggling to get things done and we’re snippy with each other. That’s largely pandemic related. So what I do is make it a goal to have one genuine, intimate moment per day. I’ll smooch him in the kitchen while the kettle is boiling, I’ll go and sit on his lap for a moment and have a chat, I’ll ask a random question about life and put down whatever I’m doing and listen, hold his hand, and listen. I don’t know if it is the oxytocin but it’s incredibly helpful in breaking the snip cycle.

      2. And to clarify – it isn’t me doing all the emotional labor here. My husband is just super lovely and rarely gets annoyed or irritated. I’m the cranky one in our relationship.

    4. Irritability is a sign of depression. For me, meditation, yoga, long walks, and no alcohol all helped for a long time. And then they didn’t and I got meds.

      Also if at all you can, take a night away. Just book a local hotel room. And your husband do as well the following weekend.

    5. Disclaimer, I am not recommending divorce. Your post just reminded me of an ad I heard on the radio the other day “Does your soul mate currently feel like your cell mate?” Yes, the ad was for a divorce lawyer.

      I echo the others. Irritability is my number 1 sign that I’m either depressed or my hormones are out of wack. For me, therapy didn’t fix this, meds did.

    6. Yup. I got into a (very rare) fight with my husband this weekend over what was mostly a misunderstanding, but also a boiling over of being stuck at home with him for months on end and getting *so sick* of generally minor things about him that bug me. Under normal circumstances I can deal with his foibles, (and him with mine!) but the stress of everything does occasionally crop up. We talked it out and both apologized, but I accept that there are going to be some crappy days between two people stuck together for months during a time of national stress.

    7. This suggestion is going to sound a little hokey, but I would recommend trying fish oil. 2 members of my family (DH and oldest DS) have more irritable, prickly temperaments. I swear on all that is good and holy when they take 2 fish oil capsules/day, their general irritability goes way, way down. We do the Carlson brand capsules, available on Amazon.

    8. Adding to the chorus that you’re not alone. FWIW, this past year I have found I do my best when I add in more time with my husband, and also take time away from him. The ‘more time’ has to be about really enjoying one another’s company, though — working on a project together, hanging out at the fire pit, playing a game… not just sitting around annoying one another like we usually do :-P And then the away time, for me lately, has been going for a 35 minute bike ride with a podcast in my headphones. Having a tiny bit of time that’s just me, all alone, away from work/parenting/partnering… it’s refreshing, and it gives me something to talk about when I get home.

      I’m really of two minds about the irritability is a sign of depression/anxiety thing because on the one hand, for me it definitely was when I was in the throes of untreated PPD/A… but also, IDK I’m wary of telling women “you’re annoyed because there’s something wrong with you (chemically or emotionally)” when it’s pretty likely that you’re annoyed because of objectively annoying things that are largely outside of your control, and your ability to mitigate the annoyance and your coping methods have been gutted… like I don’t want you to snap at your husband, but I also don’t want you to feel like this is just a *you* problem either. It’s very likely I’m talking to myself here.

      1. I agree with your second paragraph 100%. It makes me so angry when people here recommend therapy or meds for normal stress reactions to untenable situations. Portraying systemic problems as individual ones is how we got ourselves into this whole mess.

        1. Ugh, yes. And then I remember my white. hot. rage. at ??? when I was 8 months PP and I remember slamming the front door and looking around for something outside to throw because I was SO MAD (about ???) and like, yeeeeah, that *was* a me problem.

          But this… this is not an individual problem. I will say, I’ve loved my therapist and psychiatrist through this time. They’ve both been like “yeah it sounds like you’re anxious because your loved one is high risk for this deadly virus and you feel powerless to protect them and everyone else in your community, and yeah you sound depressed for the same reason and because all those things you spent years building up to counteract your depressive tendencies have been taken away…” and then my psych says “…but I mean, we can try this pill to see if it’ll make you less miserable?” and my therapist says “…anyway you can cry at me on zoom for an hour if that helps, or we can strategize some stuff you can do now to counteract the way all that makes you feel.”

      2. RH – for me, I knew it was depression/hormones when my irritability was, even to me, irrational. So, if I felt I had a justifiable reason to be upset then sure, that’s just normal emotion. But when I snap at my husband for literally no good reason, then it’s a me issue.

        I’m not sure where pandemic living falls on that spectrum but I agree with you that these sure are different times.

        I’m so lucky that we have a large house and I have my own upstairs home office and my husband has his own basement home office. I can’t imagine couples (particularly with kids) trying to all co-exist in a one or two bedroom city apartment.

    9. I am there with you. I have a wonderful husband, and genuinely “sees the dirt” around the house and cleans and cooks melas and is an incredible and equal co parent. I posted the other week that I just wanted to be left by myself for a night or a weekend and do all the things you do when you have a quiet house to yourself – turn the thermostat to the temperature you like, order from the restaurant only you like, watch your shows without commentary, maybe not clean up everything right away (my husband is definitely the neater of the two of us). This upcoming weekend we decided that we’re going to do separate things on Friday night – we always do takeout on Friday and Saturday nights, so we’ll each get our own dinner and each have one of the separate tv rooms to ourselves. I’ll report back if this is helpful.

      1. I am now writing the sitcom version of this in my head — the one where two delivery drivers arrive at the same time with orders from the same restaurant, then you retreat again to private quarters only to have one of you eventually curl up with the other.
        But I do hope this is the relief you need. I live alone and rarely get to see my SO, so I haven’t experienced this level of togetherness, but I cannot fathom that this is the first time in a year that you’ve done anything separately.

    10. Yes, I’m losing my mind. It has been sh**ing snow-ice-sleet for a month, so leaving the house has been generally unsafe, which is making an already difficult situation untenable. Normally we can separately go for a drive or a walk if we are sick of each other, but our street is a steep dead-end and we’re always first to lose traction and last to get plowed out. I’ve fallen hard and bruised my tailbone twice on our property in the past two weeks, so I gave up and sit inside and stare angrily out the window.

    11. Thank you all for the ideas and commiseration. It didn’t really occur to me that this was potentially depression, but your descriptions really resonated – it really feels like a “me” thing. It’s not reasonable stuff for me to snap at, and when I turn it around, I would be so hurt and angry if he spoke to me the way I’ve spoken to him lately.
      It also really helped to hear confirmed that this could be a response to the stress of pandemic living, but also that it’s damaging and needs to be addressed. He’s very patient, but I almost wish he wasn’t. An outraged “don’t speak to me like that!” might actually be useful here, but obviously I need to get myself under control and not need that.
      I’m going to try some of the alone-time ideas you’ve mentioned. I particularly love the idea of somehow having the place to myself for a night and eating and watching whatever I want. One thing that has really started to grate is that I constantly feel seen and heard! Which sounds like a ridiculous complaint, but I sense that it’s something others feel too.

  3. What does a closed office door mean to you? I’m back in the office occasionally (after much prodding from the powers that be) and I’m being reminded of all my office pet peeves. DH and I disagree about one of them – I despise people opening my office door when it’s closed. My door is open unless there’s a reason it needs to be closed. I might be on the phone, in a hearing/deposition/mediation, eating, etc. Our doors don’t lock. Even though everyone else has the same open door policy, some people seem to not understand that a closed door means do not disturb, or at least, knock and if you don’t get an answer then go away. Some knock and enter at the same time without waiting for a response. Some open the door without knocking. Some knock, wait, and if you don’t answer they crack the door. Apparently DH does #3. I was fake-horrified. DH suggested I put a do not disturb sign on my door, but it seems a little hostile, considering no one else in the office does this. I also doubt I would remember. So, kind ladies, what is the proper etiquette for closed doors in the office?

    2. If it’s closed I wouldn’t knock or go in. If it’s urgent and there’s a window in the door, I might wave or try to get the person’s attention, but it would really have to be urgent. Otherwise I’d send an IM telling them I need to chat when they’re free.

      1. Yes, IM is your friend here. Even when I was sitting in a cubicle, I would IM people to see if they had a minute to chat before stopping by.

    3. Wow, I can’t even believe that there are people that think anything but option 1 is an option. No offense to your DH. So, so, so, so many reasons I can think of off the top of my head that could make a real awkward situation for all involved if any of the other options are used.

      1. To clarify, because I saw someone else say #1 was ok, when I say “knock and enter at the same time without waiting for a response” I mean they’re literally knocking on the door as they’re opening it, there’s no knock before opening. Personally I don’t think making noise while you’re barging in makes it much better, but perhaps less startling. I have def turned around and all of a sudden someone is standing behind me, which is why my chair now faces the door at all times.

        1. Yes, when I referred to number one I meant: “ a closed door means do not disturb, or at least, knock and if you don’t get an answer then go away”. I think we’re on the same page.

    5. i actually think during a pandemic everyone’s doors should be closed all the time

      1. +1 This would be my expectation too. I assume most workplaces do not let people take their masks off except within a private office with the door closed. However, both for general decency + because the person inside might be mask-free, I would expect people to knock and wait for a response before entering.

        However, in my workplace, this is a non-issue because even if we’re in the office (we’re not), all the private offices have glass walls and doors, so zero privacy anyways…

      2. In normal times, a closed door is DND. On the rare occasions my door is just closed for silence, my assistant (who sits outside of my office) knows she can give people permission to knock. In pandemic times though, few of us are in the office and when we are, all doors are shut. We really aren’t meeting in person anyway so I’d expect a phone call or email before someone dropped in. Usually if someone is in the office, there is a pressing reason anyway.

      3. So that’s a whole nother bag of worms I wasn’t going to include but since you asked… the official policy is doors must be closed. No one is doing that at all, everyone’s doors are open and they’re unmasked in their office just like normal. Even though no one is following the policy, I think it may have introduced some ambiguity about why the door is closed. At the same time, I don’t think it should matter because the assumption is I am sitting in my office unmasked and at a minimum need time to grab my mask before someone barges in with their mask half off. Thankfully, my office is pretty secluded and away from normal traffic. And I’m also declining/refusing to go in as often as they want.

    6. Agree, in my office in normal times everyone leaves their doors open, and if it’s closed it usually means a call/meeting both for privacy and so you don’t disturb the office with your noise. If I didn’t have a lock, I’d consider a rubber door stopper to convey the same message.

    7. Wait, so what do these people do if they open the door and you’re not in there? That seems like a huge opportunity for trouble, if the office has a policy that it’s okay to have A be in B’s office for no reason and no one questions it!

    8. Closed door, in order of best to worst reaction – (1) IM the person to see when they have a minute, (2) knock but go away if not answered, (3) knock and then crack door if not answered, (4) knock and then open door without any delay, (5) open door without warning.

    9. Normally, I think a closed door means don’t go in/do not disturb, but since the pandemic, once we returned to the office, everyone just keeps their doors closed all the time for safety and not necessarily privacy, so knocking and entering is the norm right now. Around my office, when people have calls or depos, they’ve been putting do not disturb/in a meeting signs up on their doors.

    10. You should never open the door without being invited to do so. Tell your husband that he’s at risk of walking in on someone pumping.

      1. Not the OP but we now have glass walls and doors. I always pumped at my desk. Minutes were precious then (not that we had a pumping room).

    11. In my previous firm, you were supposed to have your door open unless closing it was absolutely necessary. A closed door meant that your peers and juniors would not knock, or would knock and wait for a response before opening, or would email or use the internal chat. Partners would still do the knock-and-barge-in thing. Breastfeeding associates were permitted to install locks and hang signs, but one of the partners I worked for, who was lovely but oblivious, wouldn’t see the sign and would basically run into the locked door trying to barge in.

      In my current firm, most of my team closes the door as a default. They did that before the pandemic. You’re supposed to knock and crack the door and see if you’re waived in or waived away. I frequently close my door because my office is in a high traffic area–around the corner from reception and our largest conference room, next to the administrator’s office, across from the copy room, and down the hall from the kitchen. I can hear pretty much every conversation between the front door and the kitchen, and people are constantly socializing outside my office. Yes, during a pandemic. Yes, half the office has had Covid.

    12. At my firm a closed door usually means don’t go in, but my boss considers it to mean “I will knock and then give you 3 seconds before barging in”. I learned this the hard way when I tried to change into my gym clothes, which was common at my old office! It’s a little annoying but also just life. If he sees I am on a call he waives and mouthes “come by my office when you’re done”.

    13. Probably office dependent but at my company (business not law), almost all office doors are kept closed at all times for sound control. That said they were all glass so you could usually catch someone’s eye that way. When you couldn’t catch someone’s attention you could see if they were on the phone and if not, people would knock.

    14. If you did #2 or #3 at my office, you’d get a stern talking-to.

      We use the nameplates outside of our doors to hang up little “status” cards. If you encounter one that says “conference call” or “do not disturb” you simply walk away and try again later (or send an email).

    15. I think it is ok to put a “Please do not disturb” sign on your door, and add a line that says “On a call, talking to the President, writing, saving the world” or some other explanation with a bit of humor in it. Below that write “email/message/text me and I will get back to you.”

      this clarifies what you want, and takes the sting out of it. Mix up the humor every few weeks.

    16. Put a sticky on your door that you’re in a meeting, do not disturb. I know it’s annoying to have to do that every time, and I will agree that your coworkers are in the wrong, but they’re going to keep being in the wrong and you’re going to keep getting interrupted. Just put up the sticky.

      Lots of my coworkers, when I worked in an office a year ago, liked to work with their door closed and expected people to come on in if they were looking for them, so it’s not a universal thing that a closed door means do not disturb.

      Fortunately I’ve always had offices with some glass next to the door where you could kind of wave to the person to see if it was an OK time.

    17. One firm I worked at had a system I loved – a little light on the outside of the door that would automatically go red if you were on a phone call and that you could control from your computer – red means do not disturb, green means knock and wait for an answer. If the door was open, you could just walk in.

    18. I used to change in my office before going to the gym so I think your DH needs to chill.

    19. Working in science – it is forbidden to prop room doors (even to offices) open in case of fire, and all lab doors have to a glass panel from which emergency workers can assess a situation.

    20. Not that I’m high enough to get my own office (also not a lawyer), but here is what I have understood from my engineering side:
      Closed door – DND, higher up is most likely on a high-priority call. I come back later or send email/slack message
      Closed door with note – higher up is concentrating really hard to get something out, either come back later or send an email
      Door mostly closed but open with slight crack – OK to knock and see if they wave you in or tell you to hang out at the door for a sec while they wrap up a email
      Door open – OK to come in, although I do a courtesy knock just in case

      of course, this also depends on seniority – I mean, I’d never barge in on a director but I’ve seen them barge in on project managers…

    21. This is so office dependent there cannot be a general rule. I have worked at multiple law offices and each one was different. At my current office, a lot of people close their doors routinely (including me – I am near the copy room and it is otherwise too loud). If you need to not be disturbed (telephonic hearing, deposition, pumping, whatever – you put a post-it or other sign up – our telephonic hearing provider actually provided door hangers at one point and a lot of people use those). It is generally understood that the sign means do not bother for any reason – email and ask the person to contact you when they have a minute. A closed door however means knock and wait for a verbal response before opening.

      But there are some exceptions and the big one is that our cleaning staff closes the doors every night so if there is a reason to suspect someone is not in the office and you need something from their office you can knock and then crack the door after a few moments if there is no response.

  4. DH and I need to plan a kickss memorable celebration for the weekend. We started lockdown the day before my 2020 birthday party; exactly a later year we are both getting our first shots and going back to the office!

    Unfortunately, on top of the obvious pandemic and weather restrictions, we are sooo not party people. He describes himself as a miserable sod and I’m worse. What do couples do for celebrations?

    1. We do splurgy travel that mostly consists of going to a city with a great food scene. Our pandemic version of this has been to go to an isolated location that is within a short driving distance and disconnect from the world for a couple of days.

    2. I would plan a great day in the outdoors. Do some thing where you can be away from other people and just enjoy this time together. Bonus points for amazing views and a little bit of risk and a lot of challenge.

    3. If you’re not party people, then by all means… don’t try to have a party?

      For special occasions in These Times we are ordering fancy takeout and eating it on the fancy plates. Or doing outdoor dining on mild days at lunchtime (heated stalls are great and all but can’t keep up with a 25 degree evening).

      2. Agree. Don’t force yourself to have a party if you don’t want to. I would order food from my favorite restaurant and make some fancy cocktails at home. Some places are even doing cocktails to-go if you don’t feel like making your own. I would also get a fancy birthday cake or your favorite dessert and blow out some candles.

      3. I understood the OP as saying they weren’t going to have a party but are looking for ways to celebrate this amongst the two of them.

        OP, for my birthday at the start of the month I ordered much fancier takeout than usual, baked a cake covered in sprinkles, and generally pushed the boat out for a weekend.

    5. Kind of hard to tell what parameters we are dealing with here with regards to your specific weather, what exactly is open where you are, how long after your shots this is being planned for (it takes a little bit to kick in! It sounds like you haven’t gotten it yet (“getting our first shots”) but are planning for this upcoming weekend?) but:

      Are there any wineries near you, that have some level of enough heat lamps to be enjoyable to hang out at during the day? I think the obvious answer to your question is to go out to a nice meal, but I think visiting a winery can seem a little more special/different than just going out to eat, and I feel like so many geographic locations have some level of wineries nearby these days..?

      1. I might look into what the nearby wineries and cideries are offering, that’s a nice easy option but well outside our usual routine. Like a lot of the country, we have freezing temperatures and snow on the ground right now. Thanks for the suggestion!

        I was hoping to do something to celebrate right away, even though our shots won’t be in effect yet, especially since it coincides with my birthday and 1 year of lockdown. We may still have to live just as cautiously for awhile yet, but this should be a turning point, like winter solstice when the light starts coming back.

    7. I had a zoom Birthday party for my not-a-party-person husband where everyone had to bring one memory of him and we just sat back and listened to people share. I think what made it wonderful was we kept the guest list small (12 people), we invited people from all stages of Husband’s life, and he didn’t have to participate, just got to listen,
      But maybe do something where you guys can really talk and reflect on the past year? I’m finding the overwhelm is so real this year, but I do want to remember this time so some mindful re-living might feel good. Maybe you guys can sit down and write it down together? Not a financial splurgy thing, but emotionally splurgy. Does that sound too touchy feely?

    8. Depending on where you’re located, you can check out getaway [dot] house. Soon I’ll be going for my third weekend with them — tiny houses in nature, an hour-ish drive from major city centers. We go to the LA one, but they’re all over the country. It’s just lovely to stay in a beautiful, clean place, looking at trees, breathing mountain air, etc. And since they’re individual tiny houses, you really don’t come close to anyone else, so it’s pretty stress-free from a covid perspective. One thing I’m going to look into when we go next weekend is takeout — if there’s anything in the nearest city it would be fun to pick up and bring to the cabin — we’ve been cooking which is fun if you like it (thank goodness my husband does!) but I think it could be fun to mix in some takeout.

      1. P.S. If you’re interested, they do a good referral dealie thing where I send you the link and you get $25 off and I get $25 off … since i’m def. going again, I’d love to refer any ‘rettes!

    9. This should be obvious but if it is a milestone birthday, make sure your friends know you don’t want to party during a pandemic. A friend’s screw up accidentally revealed that other friends were planning on throwing my husband a surprise 40th birthday party at our house without telling us. It started when he invited two friends (all three of them are vaccinated fully) to hang out for the weekend but didn’t make it clear it was supposed to be just them. Another friend’s wife texted me to ask if the party was for just the guys and what she should send her husband with. I was like “party???” I asked my husband and he was like “I invited two people, not the guy whose wife texted you.” We eventually got to the bottom of it but sheesh.

      Yeah. Glad we were able to stop that one. Good intentions but so not the right time.

    10. OP here. Can I just say I’m amazed that after this much time in quarantine, people still find a getaway/cooking/takeout with their spouse to be romantic? I think it’s great, but it has clarified for me that maybe why I’m drawing a blank is no activity will make more 1:1 time with DH exciting again for awhile. In my original post I was looking at ideas for private activities, and I certainly don’t intend to have a super-spreader party, but maybe I will ask the folks we sometimes “bubble” with if they would like to do a picnic or something. Thank you all for the advice, I hope people don’t think I’m one of those posters who only hears what I want to hear!

      1. lol I wonder if the reason a getaway is romantic to me is the omnipresent KID in our lives. we aren’t just getaway-ing from the house, we’re getaway-ing from the kid! (i’m extremely lucky to be in a bubble with my parents)

    11. it’s DH’s birthday today – i ordered a birthday cake from a local bakery and we are getting his favorite sushi for dinner tonight. other than that we aren’t doing much! we’ve all been wishing him a happy bday throughout the day and i am just trying to pay a bit more attention to him than in a typical work day.

  5. I’m a mid-level corporate associate at a law firm in a major city, and feeling the itch to go in-house (desire for an impact on one business as opposed to multiple clients, lower hours/potentially less stress, etc.). Many of the openings that interest me on LinkedIn, Indeed, etc. are for commercial counsel or product counsel positions that call for expertise in the IP, data privacy, and licensing spaces as well as some experience negotiating/drafting commercial contracts – experience that I, as a corporate lawyer (think M&A, securities, corporate governance), don’t have. I’m debating switching to a firm that would allow me to get that kind of experience (doubtful that I could make a transition in my current firm, but probably worth trying) and then eventually making the move to go in-house, but would love to hear the collective wisdom on this thread about what it takes to make a transition from biglaw corporate lawyer to in-house commercial/product counsel.

      1. Not OP, but very similarly situated. Can you speak to this? I have quite a few friends who have made the jump and while they work hard, they have PTO and can truly unplug. Does this just vary by employer, i.e., I would not expect for life at Amazon to be chill, but maybe at a client you know/work with?

        1. For me it has been lower hours and stress (most of the time; of course there are occasionally big deals that require more intense effort). Jump carefully.

        2. I was a member of a Fortune 100 legal department for over a decade (in what I would consider a premier legal department) and then jumped to be a GC for a mid size company. I love in-house, but I’ve been insulted one too many times by law firm lawyers who tell me how much easier I have it. You have to be a true generalist and flexible about learning new things. At a firm, people are very siloed. In house, somebody will walk into your office and tell you that you are now the company’s data privacy expert and you better get up to speed. You’re also not just an outside advisor. If things tank, you’re the one who has to live it. It’s a lot easier to provide high level advice than actually implement in a business that has to run. And if you’re in a good, hands on department, you are often the main subject matter expert for a particular area. Which means if there’s a deal, or an emergency, it’s super hard to unplug. I’ve always had nice, kind clients, so it’s not toxic or anything like that. But it’s not easier than firm life. It’s just different. I have to say – I have just stopped hiring firm lawyers. They don’t know how to tap dance, and they have an expectation that things are easier and are a little disillusioned when it’s not.

        3. It varies. I have a unicorn well-compensated, moderate stress, less than 9-5 job in-house. YMMV considerably tho – i know people who work 60 hour a week jobs. I’d say most of my peers who went in-house are in the 40-50 hours of work per week bucket (true hours, not billed)

        1. I don’t understand this approach at all. Not OP, but I’ve thought about leaving my firm for in house for similar reasons. I currently work 2200+ billable hours/year, plus BD and random other time sucks. Are you really telling me that an in house position requires this much time??

          1. In my last in house job, we had to bill back to the internal clients. I worked 2200 hours in the year that I had a newborn and a toddler at home. Unlike a big law attorney, I did not get any longer maternity leave than was legally required (so 12 weeks with 8 weeks being unpaid). I was not making big law money either, which made it super hard to outsource. So yes, I am telling you this. They put me in charge of a major project, and that’s what was required. I know it’s hard to fathom!

          3. To be clear – I’m not saying that law firms have it easier. It’s just different. I personally feel that a lot of partners can be jerks, and my clients are not, so that makes life easier for me. For example, I can say – hey do you really need this in 24 hours? Can it wait? Which I don’t think is often a choice for a firm lawyer.

    2. The ancillary agreements to M&A deals (TSA, short-term IP licenses like trademark use, etc) are often great places to get commercial contract drafting experience.

      1. Yeah I’m in M&A and do a lot of tech deals. I have a interest in privacy and IP so I started working more closely with those departments on ancillary matters (privacy and IP DD, licensing, etc) and signed up for a few CLEs. I can now hold my own on a lot of basic concepts which I think will be useful to transitional in-house in tech (probably the long-term plan since I don’t think I’ll make partner).
        As to whether in-house is fewer hours and lower stress, I think it really depends. I did two secondments – one at a bank (definitely lower stress and lower hours, the work was slightly boring but very nice team with a lot of working moms – this was in a compliance adjacent field, not M&A) and in a tech company (in M&A- it was slightly lower stress overall but the realities of M&A were still there, along with a lot of internal stuff I didn’t have to deal with at a firm – is accounting ready to take over payments, is HR ready to onboard the staff, etc etc.). Does your firm do secondments? They are a good way to slither into a different practice without any hurt feelings.
        Good luck! With solid drafting experience and a few basics of IP/IT, you can definitely sell your expertise for this type of position.

    3. Apply for jobs like a man. You don’t need everything in the job listing to apply. Just putting this out there in case you are selling yourself short.

      1. I would amend this to look at the desired experience levels and titles. If they want someone to run the area (think AGC/DGC) you probably don’t have enough. But for 3-5 year corporate/transactional roles, you’d be competitive – there’s a lot you can learn on the job.

    4. I second the folks advising that there is a LOT you can learn on the job. My background was litigation, largely (first at a big firm, then at a small firm, and then I did a short stint working on compliance issues w/ startups) before I moved in-house. I’ve been in this role for 5 years, and I have learned a ton of substantive law, but the most important thing — what lets me do this job better than any other lawyer plucked off the street — is my knowledge of the industry in general and our company in particular… and I got all of that from on-the-job learning. FWIW, my job is a lovely 8-5, M-F gig except when there are legit emergencies (“omg there’s a pandemic” for example, or prepping for a trial) or travel.

  6. Argh! I am getting that late-winter urge to buy new clothes but all I want to get is more fleecy sweatshirts and sweatpants. I ordered a ‘scuba’ sweatshirt from Banana but it is (1) not warm and (2) looks more like a sad sack than the stuff I’ve been wearing. Sigh! I can’t wait for the 4 weeks in April-May when it will be a reasonable temperature inside my house so I can wear cute stuff.

    1. It’s so hard to find items that are really warm! I find that if it’s not expensive, it’s not warm.

    2. I am with you in all of this including general disappointment at Banana purchases. Hang in there!!! We are almost to spring.

  7. Mouse chronicles update. Now up to 3 mice, one more trap is loaded. No obvious point of entry BUT the house is almost 100 years old. Most of it is a crawl space that I’d have to shimmy or army-crawl through (ewwww). It has been raining so not sunny enough to see if daylight is coming through any cracks. I suspect that beneath the vinyl over wood siding there may be some way in that is hard to find or the one HVC access hatch is easy to break through (or they have gnawed through some trim somewhere). Would a pro shimmy through a huge nasty crawl space? Or do they just suggest a lot of bait stations (which I won’t do with a pet that eats everything — also poisoned mice die in random places vs traps in a place I can get to (but dog can’t) means I just have to look for spring traps in one place).

    Or just fast forward to somehow luring in an outdoor cat (cat can’t really be in crawl space without getting trapped).

    1. It’s time to call in the professionals. They will know how to deal with the crawl space and block points of entry.

      If my cats caught a mouse in the house, they would probably bring it up to the bedroom as a present. I often wake up in the morning with toys around or on the bed. Catnip filled mice I can deal with. Definitely not a real one.

      Good luck!

      1. Yup, my cat did this once. Fun twist – the mouse wasn’t actually dead and in fact showed no sign of blood or anything, it just froze when the cat picked it up and then started zooming across the room while I shrieked, much to the cat’s annoyance (he was kicked out of the room). So I second the recommendation to call a professional.

    2. Yes, they would! My last house was 120 years old and I had a rodent issue. I have an abnormal fear of them. I got a pest control company and they set traps (attic and crawlspace) and blocked all the places they could get in. I wanted no details about body count, etc. I may have set myself up to overpay, but I was okay with it.

        1. Also, I’m a bit concerned that this old/weird house will just be too varsity level or just leave them stumped. If it were a new build, I’d have a bit more faith. But unless the person is jockey-sized, I think it would just be hard to scope out all of the potential pathways. [Or, they will find 5 entry points but miss 2 and we will still be dealing with this, even with professional help.]

          2. Friends of ours successfully used a professional in an old, weird house. I bet they’ll be able to take care of it.

    4. I guess my house didn’t originally have duct work and someone dug out the crawl space a bit more (so a Silence of the Lambs pit) for a water heater and heat pump (and a ton of ducts, so you can’t even easily crawl in the crawl space — it is a bit of pac-man like maze). At any rate, we periodically have mice in the crawl space area (and can’t seal it off b/c the things down there need servicing and too many wires come in through there). We really tried to seal any way they could get upstairs and tried to focus on the outside perimeter, but either they get smarter or the house settles just enough that they find new ways. I hate mice.

    5. Just call the professionals. I know this is very stressful but you need to just take this action and not panic.

    6. To answer your question, yes. The pros will crawl into spaces I would never, ever, if my life depended on it, crawl into. Bless them.

    7. Agree with everybody. This is literally what they do every day. But read the reviews and make sure you get somebody who specializes in rodents. Just your garden variety spray-for-bugs-but-we-also-do-rodents exterminator isn’t going to cut it. (Ask me how I know.)

    8. I’ve learned to coexist with the mice that like to winter in the crawl space of my 85 year old house. If I were calling the exterminator every time I heard one, I’d have no money. But recently I have been dealing with a squirrel, which is 1,000 times more annoying. It prompted DH and I to get high and re-watch Mouse Hunt and I am here to tell you that movie holds up!

  8. Does anyone have a current version of the Patagonia nano air jacket? I have heard good things about the older versions, but after ordering the new version of an old favorite from them and discovering that it was very different in terms of fit and quality, I’m hesitant to pull the trigger on another order (trying to reduce shopping/multiple orders too). Can anyone who has this jacket comment on size and quality? I would plan to use it for backpacking and skiing and possibly some casual wear. TIA!

    1. Have you checked wornwear (dot) patagonia? They may have a gently used (still guaranteed) older version.

  9. Over the weekend, I found out my dog can get into my step peddle trash can. It’s too large to put underneath my sink. Has anyone had this issue with their pups and found a trash can that was dog proof? Thanks!

    2. Oh no! I was going to recommend a simple human one – which foiled my dog – but if yours has figured out how to work the step pedal, you’ve got trouble! Kind of a pain, but maybe put something heavy on top of the lid?

      1. Ha. Our dog figured out the step pedal, turned it around when we faced it to walk, AND just knocked the whole shebang over when we weighted the top. We shifted to a smaller trash can under the sink. Then we added baby locks when she figured that out. I love our dog, but BOY, a good-motivated dog stops at nothing.

    3. My cat has figured ours out (not the step, but he can lift the (“pet proof”) lid. When I turn the can around backwards (I lift the lid manually), it stops him rummaging around about 60% of the time.

    4. What about one of the motion sensor ones? The sensor is on top of the lid, so you wave your hand over it, so it wouldn’t open just from the dog walking by, and maybe he won’t figure that out? (I also love really clever, cute dog stories like this!)

      1. My dog totally figured out the motion sensor. I still use the can, though, just with the batteries out so I have to lift the lid. That requires thumbs.

    6. We have a rubbermaid plastic step one with a sliding lock. It keeps our very sneaky dog from popping it open with his nose. Sometimes it randomly locks itself, but it’s not hard to unlock it.

      1. I also have one w/ a lock. My dog also knows how to both use the step peddle and open with his nose but the lock keeps him out. I only lock it when the trash is 3/4 or more full. If it is low, he opens it, realizes he can’t reach anything, and walks away.

        For the poster that loves clever dog stories, my dog also can operate the power windows in the back seat and turn on his seat warmer. I thought it was an accident at first but we realized he was very deliberately pushing the window button, not just randomly stepping on it.

        Thank goodness for child locks.

      2. I got the brand wrong. It’s hefty.
        Search hefty trash can with locking lid.
        There’s on at target for $20. I think we got ours at Home Depot.

    8. UGH is my dog coming over to your house? I bought a step peddle trash can specifically to stop my dog from getting in my bathroom trash and he figured it out in less than a day. Bathroom trash is so disgusting to clean up…

    10. We ended up placing the trash just outside of the back door leading out to the garage. It’s about 10 extra steps from the kitchen – but better than dealing with the dog/trash aftermath. When I prepare meals, I leave a grocery bag in the counter for any waste and toss outside after we eat.

  10. Agatha Christie
    Jane Austen
    Brontes
    Oscar Wilde…all the plays
    Colleen McCullough
    Erich Segal
    Arthur Hailey

    I also loved Thomas Hardy but I’m weird.

  11. Question for you financially savvy readers. I want to replace my 12 year old car with a new car. For the first time in my life, I have enough to pay for a car in full (without dipping into my emergency fund). Given the low interest rate environment, is it a better move financially to pay up front or finance?

    1. We buy cars in cash, but we buy used, not new. Even when interest rates are low, I’m against paying interest on a car on principle. YMMV.

    2. I bought a car a few months ago and they were offering 0% (yes, 0) financing for 5 years. So I took that and invested the large pile of cash I had saved for said car instead.

      1. Same! I bought a car in December for 0% for five years. You might be able to get something like that, OP and in that case, I would finance and keep the cash.

    3. Better move to finance with a healthy emergency fund. I hate debt and could be debt free right now, but the interest rates are just too low and my investment interest is too high to justify paying it off.

      That said, there is a psychological benefit to being debt free and you can choose to enjoy that if you want.

    4. Keep in mind you can get a better purchase price when you pay up front rather than finance at 0%.

      This one of those questions where there is no “right” answer. It’s a matter of personal preference.

      1. I saw a recommendation to take the financing deal to get a good overall price, and then pay it off within a few months. What would you think of that?

        1. Yeah sometimes you can get an extra thousand or so off if you finance so that would make sense. So look at all the options.

      2. Not necessarily. Negotiate the deal as a cash deal, then with price in hand, say you have reconsidered and want the 0% financing for x years at the same price. It is very unlikely that the dealership will not honor the price with the financing. PRO TIP: always negotiate the cash price, THEN arrange the financing (my brother owns several car dealerships).

        1. Yep, this. We had planned to pay cash last year for our new car (first ever new car!). Negotiated everything and went to the finance desk to get the totals to take to the bank for certified check. Finance person says “do you want me to see what kind of loans we have, just in case?” Sure. We end up putting 25% down but financing the rest at 0.9% interest over 5 years with a $400 origination fee. We’ve already made more than those costs with what the balance made in the market. I set up recurring payments on the loan out of our regular bank account so we won’t miss anything.

    5. We’ve always financed a very low rate and buy new, but typically pay off early (maybe at the 3 year mark versus the 5 year mark). I also don’t like having a car payment, and we’re not car people (actually just starting to think about replacing our 11-year old car!) but I’d rather put my money in the market/earn interest if there’s minimal/0% interest rate on the car payment

  12. Zoom attire Q. I finally have a zoom with clients this week. They are in Korea and from other Korean clients I’ve met in-person, expect they will be in formal work attire. I am still WFH because our schools are still closed. MMLF dress + necklace? In my casual office were I in it, I have a lot of cashmere turtlenecks and can vary the fancy-ness of pants and shoes. On zoom though, a sweater may read too casual though?

    Of course I’m breaking out and the bad lighting in my nook just magnifies my forehead (and with nook sizing, pulling the camera back isn’t possible and the nook is the only truly quiet place I have (thanks open-concept design + kids on zooms).

    1. I think a necklace helps a lot of zoom looks – I do that a lot with a blouse if I need to dress up. On your lighting issue, get a big ring light – they’re like $30 and make all the difference in how you present on zoom.

    2. I usually pull out a blazer or suit jacket for formal client zooms. Depending on the neckline and fabrication of the dress, it might look relatively casual with just the top visible.

    3. If the others will be in noticeably formal attire, you should wear something with a blazer.

    4. I’d put on a blazer or wear something with a lot of visual interest (thinking like a the Fold type of top) to make it clear it’s not just a sweater. The Jcrew sweater blazers read as regular blazers on zoom calls – I’ve got 2 I’ve been wearing in rotation for external client calls.

  13. A few years ago there was a website called ofakind.com where they sold all sorts of things from small artisans in limited editions. I have ceramics, glassware, photography, a bag, a scarf, jewelry. It was just a site that helped collect and present these options and the stories of their makers.

    Bed, Bath and Beyond bought the site and then shut it down; does anyone know of a similar site these days?

    4. Claire and Erica, the founders of Of A Kind, are still around and send a really great weekly email with similar content. Their new brand is A Thing or Two. Not the same as the shop, but they link to lots of similar artisans and have helped me discover so many great small businesses.

    5. The Little market. Someone sent me a gift from there, and it was beautifully packaged. The artisan story made it extra special.

  14. My boyfriend and I are moving cross country in a couple months, and I’m now getting ready to tell people. It feels so odd during COVID though when we can’t do proper goodbyes. I feel really awkward “announcing” it over text. How have you handled announcing a huge move like that?

    In a slightly but not entirely related note, I am also a little embarrassed that people think I’m “moving for a guy” since we’re not married or engaged. The reality is we are very serious and it doesn’t FEEL weird at all — we’re in our late 20s/early 30s and have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2.5, talk openly about marriage as a “given” that we’re just waiting for the right time for, and are moving because it’s where we want to eventually raise our kids. But I’m still scared of the illusion that I’m leaving a successful life and career here “for my boyfriend.” Even my best friend made some comment about “packing up and moving for him” which was annoying because that’s so not reflective of how we view it.

    1. 1. Fun change of address e-cards / graphic?

      2. If you wouldn’t feel weird proposing to him or getting married at the courthouse right now, I agree that this is solid for modern times (not what our parents would have done decades ago). But if you feel hinky at all about either (or suspect he would be), then I’d toy around with why for a while, especially now where the often heard “we need to save up for a wedding” thing really does not matter one bit.

      1. This. You sound like you’re trying to talk yourself into comfort with your un-engaged/un-married situation. I’d spend some time on whether there is really anything stopping you if that’s what you want. If the answer is yes, I would think hard about the move.

      2. Also I would think you can get engaged and then continue to save up for a marriage . . . depends on how long you want to be engaged for I guess.

    2. Idk from this it sounds like you’re defensive because you actually aren’t super thrilled to not be engaged yet. What is the right time if not after surviving 2020 together and before you complete uproot your lives? You don’t need to move to where you want to have kids if you’re not even engaged.

      1. We had a family tragedy recently and we both decided that the most appropriate thing to do was hold off on this… I am not salty.

        1. People get quietly married all the time, especially now. My BFF got married simply at the courthouse soon after her FIL-to-be died suddenly. They ditched the big fancy wedding and donated the paid-for food. It was not what anyone hoped for, but no one wanted to stop them from being married or thought they should defer. They did their best for the time they were in because they really wanted to cement their togetherness and joint families as a way of signifying unity even in their grief. Later when the husband hit a milestone birthday, they had a big party and I think that was the only one that had. [Also, if anything, a death brings home how significant the legal protections are for a surviving spouse vs a mere girlfriend/boyfriend, especially if there are any kids / pregnancies possibly occurirng.]

          1. Yes it’s ok to get married in difficult times. But it’s also ok not to. And it’s the OP’s and her partner’s business.

          3. Sure, it’s their business. But if I had been ring shopping with someone who then put the breaks on it because of his family, and then I was going to be moving cross-country for him, I’d really want a timeline and mutually understood conditions re when the ring comes. And I’d probably have a really hard time with whatever family situation would warrant an indefinite pause like that, considering the move. Most families would understand an elopement (say your father was Prince Andrew — quiet wedding with your gran; your sister has a baby and we only get pictures of the baby and his parents — if this family can move forward, surely his can, too?).

    3. I don’t think you have to make a big announcement–call and text the people you need to tell, and then announce on social media.

      It sounds like you’ve made your decision and are comfortable with it and your relationship. No matter what you do, other people will have opinions about your life, and a surprising number will feel entitled to tell you what their opinions are. I would focus on what you’re excited about in your new city, independent of your boyfriend–job opportunities you have or will be looking for, the neighborhood you’ll be living in, etc. You don’t need to explain or justify or defend your relationship or your decision to move.

    4. For your second issue, maybe have a few reasons why you want to move to that place unrelated to your SO and your future with him? If one of my close friends was moving to a city because she wanted to eventually raise her children there with a guy she’s wasn’t even engaged to and didn’t have kids with already, I would feel duty bound to tell her not to go.”I have thought about moving to X in a few years because of Y, but the pandemic made me realize that I need to start living the life I want now because you never know what can happen!”

    5. RE: your second paragraph. ARE you okay with this? If it didn’t bother you on some level, would you even be entertaining this train of thought or worrying about what others think? TBH, if one of my BFFs were making a similar move, I would be worried for her, unless she had a bunch of reasons, aside from the boyfriend, why she really wanted to live in that new place.

      1. I got that vibe, too. OP, what’s the issue that it’s not yet the “right time” to commit if both of you see marriage as the goal? Is it you or the BF that is deferring the decision?

      2. 200% yes! We made the decision together. I’ve always put my career over everything else but with him it’s different and I feel like I’m old enough to say. We already are a partnership no matter what our label is. I have no doubt it’s the right decision for me personally as well as for us, but I just know people can be weird.

        1. And to add, he had a big family tragedy last year and honestly getting engaged just felt inappropriate and insensitive over the past year. We went ring shopping a little over a year ago and then mutually decided we should wait to actually make it official and get married until things got better with hai family. I don’t want to have to defend our decision we made with not getting engaged yet…

          1. But you’re not engaged (or married or pregnant or whatever) AT people, so if that is the right decision for you, you should do it. A good family will understand (this is like getting married during wartime, when people were certainly not doing it to be “inappropriate and insensitive” but would rather be married after a simple ceremony to rage against the storm as Officially Team Us Forever.

          2. lol, she said she doesn’t want to have to defend the decision of not getting engaged – and you tell her she should just get married? It’s 2021.

          3. I agree with 11:02 — there could always be something.

            OP, I think your description of your circumstances reminds a lot of us of either past selves or friends who have been painted a picture of forthcoming marriage… only for it to string out for years despite lots of promising comments like “when we get married” “when we have kids” etc… then to ultimately break up over the lack of actual commitment.

            But! You know your own relationship best.

          5. Bit confused by this reaction. MIL was THRILLED when we got engaged a couple months after a family tragedy as it gave her something positive to look forward to.

          6. Just want to say I 100% understand the decision to wait (DH waited for a few family events). You don’t need to be engaged 3 years in! It’s okay to move together! You’re in a committed partnership!

            But do have reasons other than him to go across the country. Friends matter :). How will you build a new network in new place?

          7. Hahaha to Anon at 11:02. People get upset all the time that couples inappropriately timed their engagement/wedding/baby news, whatever. “How could my sister Meredith get engaged now? She KNOWS I am waiting for a ring!” “I can’t believe Meredith is getting married in June, five years and a week after I got married? That is MY wedding anniversary and we were secretly planning a getaway then!” “I can’t believe Meredith announced her baby news when I was about to tell everyone I’m engaged. That was MY DAY and she ruined it.” Given how much stock you seem to put into these “milestones” I would be surprised if this dynamic didn’t exist in your family. If the OP’s BF just lost someone, there is every chance that someone is going to think it is distasteful for him to put the spotlight on himself, even though that is a ridiculous and illogical reaction.

      3. I had a similar thought. I only care what other people think when they point out something already bothering me. Otherwise I generally just…ignore them.

        Also, an important life lesson for me was that people react to things based on your cues. If you frame the move as “BF and I both got great jobs and we’re thrilled to be starting this great life in this new city where we can raise our kids” people will respond positively. If you frame it as “BF got a job, and so I have to follow him because we are very serious even though we’re not engaged yet” people will respond less enthusiastically.

    6. I love the other poster’s idea of proper change of address-cards. That’s not something I would normally do, but feels like a way to mark the occasion when a big goodbye party is out of the question. I’ve had several work friends move away in the last year, we always did a zoom happy hour, and a few times met for outdoor dining with a handful of people.
      I want to give you full commiseration and validation on your feelings around what people will think of you moving. Patriarchal society really messes with your head. I was happy in a 7-year, deeply committed relationship, with no plans to marry (for us, it was no religious affiliation plus libertarian reservations about our relationship not being the govt’s business). The way people viewed us as not-a-real couple was quite obvious. We moved for my job, and my in-laws tried to convince my partner that he was throwing his life away and that if he didn’t find a new job in the new place, I was sure going to ditch him. We ended up marrying for entirely practical reasons, and my “status” completely changed, immediately after the wedding. Other people were entirely understanding when we made decisions ‘because of my husband/wife’, when they criticized the same decision ‘because of my girlfriend/boyfriend’. You are right that it’s annoying. OP, you know what’s right for you. Don’t let them make you doubt your own decisions.

      2. Because there IS a difference between being husband/wife and boyfriend/girlfriend. There is just is, legally, socially, and I’d even argue emotionally.

        1. Emotionally – it really depends. It might be hard for you to put yourself in the shoes of a person who just does not see marriage as the ultimate focal point of a relationship. But you can have true partnerships without a ring, just as you can have terrible marriages.
          Socially – that is a choice you make. You choose to acknowledge the relationship of a couple to a lesser degree because they haven’t taken that step. I’d argue that you’d loose nothing by treating unmarried couples with the same sincerity as you treat married couples.
          Legally – yes, and I am very critical of that. A lot of places have domestic partnership laws that help to some extent. Our laws are not a natural constant, or handed down from god. They are how we as society decide to regulate ourselves. So it goes back to the social perception.

          1. But property rights and succession right matter a lot, especially if you are in it for the long term. Sure, you can buy a house unmarried as joint tenants and get life insurance on the other so you can afford it if one of you dies. But that boyfriend/girlfriend’s 401K will likely be inherited by their parents / siblings / other relatives if they don’t make an election (changeable at will) for it to be a BF/GF. And given how many married people don’t bother with wills even after they have kids together, the default of the the law is a powerful protection, especially to women (who often earn less and yet live longer). Social security survivor benefits lift many women out of dire poverty to more “I have to watch my money” barely getting by — legal status matters and is tremendously protective if you are married (and helps you not one bit if you aren’t). I feel like you stay single with a long-term partner at your peril. People in same-sex relationships fought for the right to marry b/c it is so significant to their economic welfare, so when you can easily get married now and one person won’t, I really want to understand a good reason why they would leave a partner without significant legal and economic protections. “It’s not a good time for his family” almost suggests that the woman isn’t worth it (you are worth it).

          2. Yes all these laws exist. And that is a choice. The more you push people to ‘just get married’ in order to benefit from the existing system, the more you uphold it. That is of course your prerogative, but when you shrug your shoulders and say ‘well I don’t make the rules, this is just how the system is’, then I think you have a blind spot there.

          3. I’m sure there is a point I’m missing, but aren’t laws like this helpful to society? If you decide to form a legal union with someone, then there is a framework in place for inheritance, legal benefits, what happens in case of divorce, etc.

          4. I think that fundamentally is the motivation for those laws, yes. But many of the circumstances that shaped these needs, don’t exist anymore today. An unmarried woman has a lot more rights today and doesn’t need the protection of a husband. She can own property herself, rent an apartment by herself, and provide for herself. Sex before marriage is legal. Women are protected from harassment, regardless of marital status, at least on paper.
            Regarding a woman’s position in society (in my personal liberal bubble at least), a woman’s choice to marry is much much closer to a free personal choice these days, when it was a necessity in centuries past. Most people can read and write and are educated enough to make meaningful choices about their property. That means it is possible to pass on one’s assets to one’s children, even if they are born out of wedlock. In case there is any doubt, we also have DNA-tests today showing who actually fathered a child, regardless of who is married to a woman.
            What happens in case of divorce is a good example of the legal framework adapting with the times. The no-fault divorce is only about 50 years old in the US.

          5. OTOH, often it takes 2 incomes to pay for a joint live, and when one income goes away permanently, you are stuck with the debt and not with the $ to pay it.

            I get fighting the power and sticking it to the man, but unless you spend a lot of time going out of your way with the employee benefits people at each job you ever had and being careful with the beneficiary designations on everything, you are stuck with your psychic victory and the potential loss of your home. IDK, but with a house, I can better fight the power other ways.

          6. Oh yeah, I don’t think people need to get married and there’s nothing wrong with being single. That said, if you’re going to be in a committed relationship then why wouldn’t taking advantage of a legal union be useful?

        2. A lot of these takes are really annoying, and I sympathize with OP here. I was living together with a boyfriend, and not engaged for a long time. Then when we did get engaged, I had people say that if we aren’t going to have kids (we’ve never wanted them) and I wasn’t changing my last name, then there was no point in getting married. It’s never good enough for people like this, but you know what, it isn’t their business, and more importantly, not everyone wants the same life. It is 2021, please stop. I’m happily married now and couldn’t care less what anyone thinks of my relationship based on these arbitrary factors.

          OP, please don’t let the comments here upset you. I don’t know why people are so weird. I like the idea of a cute address change card and maybe a little handwritten note on them to your closest friends that you wish you had been able to say goodbye in person, but that you hope to host them in your new city soon.

      3. +1 to anon 10:58, it seems like there is a lot of projecting on this board.

        My husband and I dated for close to a decade before getting married. But especially by the time we moved in together – which was fairly early on – I know we considered ourselves just as committed to each other as the married friends we had/have. And we have now been married for many years, so I say that as having been on both sides of the coin. At the point in OPs relationship as described, we would have absolutely been figuring our relocation decisions as a unit without arbitrary ultimatums.

        The one difference for me personally vs. OP was I was really, truly, honestly indifferent about us getting married as far as the institution goes and if anything I was probably the one that was more for not. We eventually did for reasons, but it wasn’t like a major goal of mine. But that doesn’t mean that OP needs to worry about it if she’s not that same way. Marriages end in divorce all the time too and are no guarantee. In fact, we have now outlasted several of the married friends in the aforementioned the first paragraph.

        I’m sure there are many, many anecdotes of others who moved with someone thinking they were getting married and that didn’t happen. In fact, I know personally of some. But that doesn’t mean that’s the only outcome for this.

    7. Re: embarrassment, announce it as “i am moving!” Follow up: why? “I got a new job there.” “Is BF going too?” “yes, he also got a new job!”

    8. It read to me that you’re moving *with* him rather than *for* him?
      In terms of whether moving *for* him would be a bad thing, I feel like a key lesson from 2020 for me is that the important thing is finding my person, everything else is sort-out-able. (Yes, I have found myself in an international long distance ‘thing’ lately……)

      1. Ohhhhhh girllllllll whaaaaat? International long distance in a pandemic? How even? Why even?

        1. International here means 200 miles – and he’s a friend I grew up with who has since moved to another place he has citizenship. So we’re not talking transatlantic or anything like that, and we’re in the same time zone, which helps. No idea when we’ll get to see each other in person yet, which is why it remains relatively undefined.

      2. This is a really good key distinction that I would emphasis if so inclined to social defend myself. I’d also be sure to specifically frame it that way.

      3. I am so happy for your “thing” (which you mentioned last week, right?)! So exciting :)

    9. OP here. Honestly I didn’t expect this thread to turn into everyone telling us to just get married and/or saying there must be some underlying issue since we’re not! We have personal and logistical reasons for waiting and those are entirely our own business, and I believe part of being in a relationship of equals is being able to mutually decide the best time to make those practical life changes together. No need to read between the lines. I thought a bunch of independent, career-oriented modern women would be more understanding of that but I guess this reaction underscores what I was nervous about.

      1. I feel like when you type, it is on a blank slate. So you chose what you put there and people react, often based on similar situations they or loved ones (always the women, sadly) have found themselves in. Sadly. Women hope without promises, waste their time, all with a ticking clock.

        1. This is what I was trying to put my finger on. Why go to the trouble of the proactive justification – it only causes people to wonder what the story is.

          OP, if you want people to focus on your new job and move and not worry about your marital status, then seriously – don’t bring up the topic at all. Just say “hey, I took a new job in City and BF and I are moving out there in March” or whatever.

          Good luck with the new job!

      3. You asked!!!!!!!’ Again, ya sound real defensive. You don’t need our approval but for someone confident she is right, you really seem to want it!

        1. This. If you really only cared about how to announce that you were moving without being able to have a going away party, you could have done it in one sentence. The lady doth protest too much here…

          1. Yikes! This is some gaslighting right here. When someone says “this is how I feel,” and then repeatedly gets pushback that that isn’t how she *really* feels, that she’s lying to herself, that she really should just go ahead and get married because clearly that’s what she wants, it is understandable for her to get frustrated by that.

          2. That is not gaslighting. That’s everyone’s favorite term to throw around now, but the term has an actual meaning and this is not it.

            This is what’s known as a difference of opinion.

          3. A difference of opinion about what someone actually feels? That sounds like gaslighting to me. “I feel happy. I am good with my decisions” “You seem like you have sadness within you that you’re not acknowledging.” “No, I am deeply satisfied with my life and I feel happy.” “I’m telling you — you aren’t happy. You have regrets and an unsteadiness in you.” “Nope. Life is meeting all my expectations.” “It’s not. You have a sadness within you. You are not acknowledging that you are dissatisfied.” See? Gaslighting.

      4. Not sure if you saw my post above but this is all about framing! When you posted about it here, you weren’t like “this is this great awesome thing that’s happening,” you were like “I’m nervous people will judge me for moving without a commitment.”

        When you tell people the news, focus on the Big Awesome Thing! Talk about your great new job! Talk about your new apartment your renting or buying! Focus on all the happy stuff and don’t caveat it at all. Friends/family will respond accordingly.

      5. OP, it’s never enough. If you get engaged without a wedding date in mind, people will continuously ask when the wedding is, and if you go long enough without setting a date, they’ll act like you’re not engaged. If you get married, people will start asking when you’re having kids, and if you decide not to have kids, they’ll act like there’s no reason to be married. If you have a baby, people will ask when you’re having the next one. If you have more than 2, they’ll say things like, “Wow, you have your hands full.” If you work, people will question how you could possibly leave your children during the day. If you don’t work, people will question how you could possibly allow your husband to support you. If your child isn’t perfect, there’s a nonstop barrage of parenting advice. Even if your child is perfect, there’s a nonstop barrage about how different things were when the commenter was a kid.

        The number one lesson I’ve learned for dealing with these people is to be confident in my decisions and project that confidence. Your post came off defensive. You said you’re embarrassed for moving “for” your boyfriend. People will fill that embarrassment in with their own thoughts about what you should do.

        1. This is 100% accurate. People are asking ‘why not just get engaged/married?’ because you don’t seem confident in where you are. Project the confidence and people won’t react like that. You and BF are moving because you both have great new jobs and it’s your joint long term goal city.

          1. This. And we’re not saying to get married – we’re saying to evaluate why you’re not getting married if that needs to be reflected on more.

    10. My family just relocated and I had the same thought – thanks to Covid we couldn’t really do a big going away thing. We told our closest friends via email/text and then I made a bigger announcement on FB for our acquaintances.

    11. I would text them and ask if they want to meet outdoors for a distanced hang out before you move.

      Re: your reason, it sounds like you and your bf plan to get married, so why not just get engaged now (and agreeing to be married is kind of like getting engaged anyway)? I understand waiting for a wedding, but why wait for an engagement you’re already agreed to? You don’t have to get married right away. People act like marriage and engagement isn’t a big deal anymore but I disagree. My husband wanted me to move in with him when we were dating (I owned a house and for various reasons it didn’t make sense for him to move in with me) and I said no way, I’m only selling my house if we’re getting married. Marriage offers a lot from a legal perspective.

      1. And sorry, I didn’t see your comment until after I typed this. :) I think people were telling you to get engaged because there are a lot of play by the rules people here. Personally I wanted the benefits of engagement/marriage despite it being uncool. It might also be worth noting that you’re afraid people will think you’re packing up and moving for a guy, but you actually are and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that if that’s what you want. It kind of seemed like you wanted people to think that you were in a serious lifelong relationship hence the engagement recommendation. But plenty of people do these things without engagement, right?

    12. I would send change of address cards to my Christmas card list, but I enjoy sending cards. I think a text would also be fine in the unprecedented times. I was in a similar situation about twelve years ago: left a decent job and moved to be with my now-husband while he went to school. A friend admonished me for “moving for a guy.” It hurt my feelings and made me question my decision a little. In hindsight, she was just trying to look out for me, but didn’t have the full picture of my relationship (no one does but you). I’ve been married for ten years now (of course it’s fine if you never get married – just sharing my experience). All that to say – you know what’s best for you. I think it’s ok to tell people “This is my decision and I’ve made it – I hope you can be happy for me.” Good luck with the move!

    13. In a past life, I moved abroad for a job and my then-boyfriend (now husband) came with me. It was very clear that *he* was moving for *me* because he couldn’t work in Foreign Land and in fact was just on continually renewing tourist visas. But I still felt weird, and like I would be judged, and here I was committing to financially support him for a year but “we aren’t even engaged.” Well, we talked about it, and we both agreed we did want to get married, eventually, once personal and professional things were more stable… so I had a partner I had every intention of marrying, who had every intention of marrying me, and we had discussed it and agreed… and y’know what? We *were* engaged, by my definition.

      I realize that for some folks the ‘asking’ and the giving of a ring and ~doing a proposal~ as a whole thing is important, but I’d encourage you to look at what “engaged” means to you (individually and as a couple) and see if, from that contemplation, you can draw some strength to ngaf about what anyone else (IRL friends and on this board!) may think of your relationship.

      I’m annoyed at your bestie, fwiw. Why’d she say that?

      To answer your actual question, I’ve received some “we’ve moved” announcement cards with a funny pic of the folks moving that I’ve really enjoyed (pls include pets if you have them!), and it’s been a handy reminder to update my address book.

      1. If my bestie went ring shopping a year ago and still wasn’t engaged and was now up and moving cross country without getting engaged, I’d say something. What kind of friend wouldn’t?

        1. The kind of friend who does not think she should offer her opinion on a really personal topic without being asked?

          If my friend told me she was moving to a different city with her boyfriend, I would wish her well and ask her to stay in touch. Not offer my completely unsolicited opinion to a grown woman who is presumably in the best position to make decisions for herself.

          There might be an exception for someone who keeps overcommitting to a relationship and getting burned but that is not the vide I am getting here.

      2. This is an excellent point. “Engaged” according to whom?? If you feel committed to your boyfriend, OP, which it sounds like you do, then make the move and have no compunction about other people’s nosy opinions.

        1. But don’t do anything you are not comfortable doeing. Men want us to do stuff to them while they rarely do anything to us. Alan did do stuff for my pleasure b/c he read about all of it in his dirty magazines where naked women prostrated themselves showing everything. He wanted me to do those pictures for him but I refused. I must admit that his technique was the only good thing he did for me, but in the end, it was NOT worth it b/c of all of the bad things.

    14. I think your question is how can I get people to stop judging me and honestly you can’t. Even seeing the responses you have received here should tell you that.

      But your true friends wouldn’t be true friends if they thought there were red flags here and they didn’t say anything.

      I will tell you that from my own personal experience, and I’m 56 and have seen a lot, my friends who were with guys who wanted to get engaged/married “someday” mostly did not end up with that guy because someday never came. Assuming you want to get married, and it sounds like you do, if guy really wants to marry you, he’d marry you. There’s always going to be a reason not to get married right now.

      One of my friends did end up living with this guy and never getting married. He still introduces himself to other people as single. Lord knows what else he does.

  15. Can anyone recommend either a low lift or neutral sneaker that I can wear for some indoor non-bike/non-treadmill Peloton workouts? I used to do them barefoot but I’m sure I could use some additional support for the bootcamps and whatnot. I also tried to do a resistance band class barefoot, and never will I ever attempt that again. Ouch.

    1. My go-tos for this are APL sneakers. You could probably find a lower priced, but the light weight flat sneakers have always been a favorite for these types of workouts.

    2. Believe it or not, Chuck Taylors are good for this. (They originally started as basketball shoes in the 1920s.)

      1. They wouldn’t be enough support or cushioning, for me, in a class involving jumping. I’d search for “studio” or “training” shoes, which are what I use.

        1. While I would love a pair of fun Chucks, they’re not going to give me enough. I know neutral shoes are in fact that (used to own some), but Chucks are a bridge too minimum for what I’d like. Fun fact: I used to high top Chucks when I sailed competitively in high school and college – they have fantastic grip when wet!

      3. +1 I love mine. Got them for lifting and they’re so solid for most workouts, even with a little running.

  16. For those of you who have left a firm (or a similar job), what made you decide to do it, and if you stayed, why? I was a low-income, first-gen student and chose biglaw in a secondary market because I wanted to do transactional work and wanted the “stability” and certainty of the lockstep salary life, and as it turns out, I have truly enjoyed being at my firm.

    I have some awesome mentors and sponsors, who have a lot of say at the firm, and the firm has given its vote of confidence in my progress during reviews and by involving me in the firm leadership opportunities available to associates. A few friends at the firm have recently left for slightly higher paying opportunities within our market and recruiters have been calling a ton lately–I practice in a niche area that is highly specialized and booming at the moment. I do not have a desire to move cities because my SO and I love our city and own a home here/one of us is from here, but I have started to wonder if I am leaving opportunities on the table and that my worries and fears of instability (what I grew up in) are driving me to stay in my role vs. exploring other options. Some days it feels like I am borrowing trouble and others I wonder if I had had a more stable upbringing, if I would be more willing to take risks.

    We have a two-tier partnership, so people make partner pretty early (think 7/8 years) and then a few years later are considered for equity, and I am currently in the review period leading up to partnership consideration. I think I’d like to make partner, but getting paid more (I support my parents) or better hours (I work a lot) sound super nice too. Am I hurting myself by being too loyal to my firm? When does it make sense to leave or does it make sense to stay if I truly enjoy it?

    What I am most worried about is that we have an incredible group of people I get to work with here. The firm keeps people for a long time, so many of these partners have built their lives around being lifers here and the new people who join us are generally just as collegial and good to work with. I truly don’t hide from any of the partners in my group and happily work with any of them and I don’t really see how I could improve on this type of situation. I am most worried about being miserable elsewhere and jumping into a toxic situation, when I have such a great one here.

    1. You do not have to borrow problems! You have a great well paying job where you are getting the recognition and progress you need enjoy the work and love you coworkers. You are literally living the dream just enjoy it. If at some point you don’t like it, you’ll have plenty of options.

    2. You sound like you’re in a pretty good situation! If you would rather work fewer hours, you’re certainly welcome to look around, but it sounds like you’re in a job that is a good fit for you and your life. Recruiters are salespeople, by the way – just because they’re calling doesn’t mean that you should take them up on what they’re selling.

    3. Hey, if you like law firm life, you don’t have to leave! Do prepare yourself that you’ll need to negotiate pay once you graduate from lockstep associate tiers, though.

    4. You know, you could just, keep working? I have been at the same firm since I started practicing in 2005 and am an equity partner. I’d say about 30% of my starting class is still here with me. Not everyone leaves. I am very happy where I am and don’t want to make a change. Could I make more elsewhere? Potentially. But I have a lot of flexibility and other perks. And another $20K or so just doesn’t entice me.

    1. Lifting weights *and* minding your macros/food will show your muscles off. If you’re not actively bulking, then you’re going to show muscle tone without “getting big,” which is actually pretty difficult to do. :)

      Food is what makes your muscles pop, so I would focus primarily on that.

      As a CrossFitter/weightlifter, I do all of the above and they all help, but food is the key.

      1. +1. Lifting and nutrition are key. Lift as heavy as you can – heavy for me isn’t necessarily heavy for someone else. Lifting 3 days a week combined with macro counting has been the most successful combo for me; I’m losing fat, gaining muscle, and toning up. As a side note, don’t rely on the scale. Take progress photos and consider how your clothes are fitting. I’m 5lbs heavier than I was 6 months ago but I’m way more toned.

    2. Whichever you enjoy most. I’ve been doing Melissa Wood Health for this lately which is a sort of Pilates/yoga blend.

    3. My favorite for changing my shape noticeably and pretty quickly is bodypump, which is high reps of medium-low weights. I recently downloaded the Les Mills app and am really enjoying it. They also have barre, yoga, and their other branded classes available (kickboxing, dance, spin, etc.) on the app.

  18. I’d love to hear what random acts of kindness have you experienced this past year? Either as the one who initiated it or the one who was on the receiving end?
    On the suggestion of someone on this board i’ve been working my way through the Yale Happiness Course (The science of Well Being), and every week you get an assignment or two of things that have been scientifically shown to boost well being. Practicing random acts of kindness was one of the assignments and, frankly in these socially distant times, I’m at a loss on how to do this one. I mean, beyond things that fall under “don’t be an a**hole to my husband and kids”, though those might not count? I feel like the idea is partly to have acts of kindness for strangers?
    Would love to hear what kindness other people have experienced?

    1. I’m taking a Spanish course, and tried out my new Spanish on a clerk at the store and she seemed overcome. It certainly seemed to make a difference to her. I was just trying to be nice and speak to her in her native language.

    2. Drive throughs are a good opportunity for random acts of kindness. When you pull up to the window, just ask to pay for the car behind you as well. My husband had someone do this for him around Christmas time and thought it was the coolest thing, then I did it for someone (only had to spend like $2 lol).

      Also, I started heavily overpaying at Christmas time in drive throughs and telling the cashier to keep the change (so like spent $4, gave a $10 and told her to keep the change).

      When I moved to a street that was just littered with trash, I took a trash bag with me on walks and would pick up the trash. Honestly that was a random act of kindness to myself because I just hated seeing it.

      1. Yes, a litter pick is such a great random act of kindness. If I’m really grumpy, I’ll grab my picker and a trash bag and go pick up trash.

      2. On the cashier thing, please ask if the cashier can actually keep the change. A lot of stores have policies against keeping change and if the customer refuses the change back, it goes into the store’s coffers or, if the company is generous, to a random charity that you did not choose. That act of kindness is probably not going to the employees. This is only helpful to services where tipping is common and accepted.

    3. It feels tiny, but sometimes I’ll just hand off my cart at Aldi’s without getting the other persons quarter, or I’ll stick mine in the cart return without taking my quarter.

    4. This may seem like nothing but I follow a lot of different groups on social media where people post selfies (for makeup or skincare). I don’t comment on the heavily commented posts but if I see someone’s post not getting a lot of attention, and that’s usually because the person is older or less conventionally attractive/ less beauty filtered, I make sure to comment something like lovely, glowing, or something longer describing how their personality comes through in the picture. My comment seems to attract more like comments. So basically, I try to be the first comment on an un-commented post.

      1. I love how thoughtful this is. I find social media so empty sometimes; this is a good reminder that there are indeed real people out there.

    5. We lost power last week. When I went to TJ’s to grab some coffee, the clerk handed me a bouquet of flowers at checkout and said “Here, would you like to take these home?” I seriously almost cried. I know she was probably going to have to throw them away but just that small act gave me the hope to keep going last week.

      1. Similar to this. You can buy a grocery gift card and ask the clerk to use it on the next person or someone who needs it.

    6. A balloon artist decorated my neighborhood with seasonal balloon creations last summer. A neighbor put out bags of bananas on her front stoop marked “Free. Really. Take them.” I picked one bag up for my impoverished next door neighbor.

  19. Does anyone have a bag from Lo and Son’s? I am thinking about getting one for retail therapy when I have to go back to the office in a couple of months. I haven’t bought a bag since 2012. I have been using my old diaper bag as a tote when running errands etc during WFH. Looking for opinions since this is not a regular purchase for me! I want something nice that will hold a lot of things.

    1. They have videos of all the things they’ll hold – I have the messenger bag and I like it well enough for when I was in grad school – I haven’t really used it since. I will say, though, their customer service was great. I had my handle rip out of the seam and emailed them about getting it repaired – they sent me a brand new one instead.

    3. I have the OG (7+ years) and Seville (leather / has nylon travel shell; 3+ years) and am not gentle and they are still going strong. Love the organization. I used to travel a ton and use the nylon shell / bag for that.

    4. Love my Lo and Sons bags. I had the OMG and it served me well as a work bag. My more recent purchase is the Catalina. It is AMAZING. Worth every penny. Well-designed, strong, sturdy, and looks nice, too. Wait for a sale (they have them all the time).

    5. I bought the OG and the OMG, mainly because of recommendations here. I kept the OG thinking it would be good for travel, but at the end of the day I felt like it just looked to schlubby for me, like a diaper bag, and I donated it. I guess I’m fancy.

    7. I have 2 currently and used another one previously that I gave to my mom. They are great – wash well, hold up well, and look nice. The Brookline is my go to day to day laptop bag (options if you have a 15in laptop are few and far between). Would highly recommend!

    8. I have the Pearl in a saffiano leather and love it. Holds a reasonable amount of things for its size (epipens, wallet, phone and other miscellany). And I think it looks professional.

      1. Same. Mine is two years old and still looks brand new. I also have one of their wallets and the Catalina.

    9. I have a Pearl in Saffiano and an older version of the Catalina, and both have held up super well! I love how compact the Pearl is yet holds so many things in perfect compartments and it held up to pretty hard usage. The Catalina was awesome for my many overnight (or combined into long weekend) work trips in 2019, and also worked as a backup bag on longer leisure trips.

      My sister has an older version of the OMG, and she says it’s been perfect for her as a grad student. Fits her laptop and other study necessities but also sleek and professional looking for interviews.

    10. Apparently I have 4 now! OMG (love for travel), Pearl, a backpack/tote laptop convertible one, and the Catalina. Love them all and they have held up well- I had one problem with a zipper on the OMG and they exchanged it for free.

  20. Took an awesome live cooking class this past weekend through a local synagogue and looking for more inspiration. Any other live cooking classes to recommend, please? I love MasterClass but seeking that dynamic live aspect. Thanks!

    1. OP here – to clarify, I mean a live virtual
      class! Not in-person, only online, sorry about that. Saw that Sur la Table offers some and curious of any other fun ones. Thanks!

    2. I’ve done some good free ones through Homemade (withhomemade dot com) and paid ones through Milk Street.

      1. Nice! I hadn’t come across those. Some of the Homemade recipes are mouth watering – and free?! I’m also thinking of a private class for a birthday gift so nice to see they offer them (I was looking globally, like tourist experiences). As for MilkStreet, how could you not want to sign up for a “Fearless Shrimp” class. Thanks so much!

        1. The Homemade ones are free. They are sponsored by a company (i.e. Breville) and the instructor will mention the product a couple of times, but it’s not a big commercial. The chefs are a lot of fun. Milk Street does a good job on their class ads!

          1. Thanks! I’m following both venues. I was curious how they pull it off. I’ve enlisted two friends to do an upcoming MilkStreet (buttermilk’s biscuits with bourbon cream) since I’ve got plans…looks amazing!

    3. Airbnb is doing live online “experiences” right now. They have lots of inexpensive live cooking classes from all over the world.

      1. Thanks so much! Several look good. I’m also googling like, “Lima virtual cooking class” for local (global!) instructors. Truly appreciate it!

      2. Sorry – meant an upcoming Homemade biscuits class. And at worst, since I can’t be there, ingredients and process are already online. Looks delicious! Thanks again!

    4. Love Julia Sullivan of Henrietta Red/The Party Line–her private classes are super fun to do with a group and The Party Line will ship 100% of everything you need. I’ve done several classes with her and she is a great teacher and the food is amazing.

      If you’re feeling a little more splurgy, Sean Brock’s private classes are magical.

    5. Zingerman’s is doing online classes, and will do private classes. I did a few of their in-person classes pre-pandemic, and they were great. Not sure how they translate to virtual.

    6. Serena Wolf (Domesticate Me food blog/chef) does virtual cooking classes! I haven’t done one yet because they haven’t meshed with my schedule but I swear by her recipes and she is SUPER fun!

        1. Wow – I asked the right group! I’d seen Zingerman’s and they look like fun. Thank you all so much. Excited to check these out!

  21. in another this covid vaccine rollout makes no sense story – a close friend who works for a company that makes glasses got his first dose bc his employer has been tagged as a healthcare company….despite the fact that he is in a total back office job, the glasses are not even manufactured in the U.S. and the company does not provide any sort of in-person optometry or glasses fitting services. at first he was going to decline to get it and felt really guilty, but then decided to get it bc wife got hers (actual healthcare) and is about to return to in-person work and kid about to return to in-person school. i think anyone given the option to get it, should just get it, but hopefully if we ever need to do something like this again, the government can figure out a better way to deploy the vaccines

    1. Yeah, I can’t figure out what our local hospital system is doing. Both my pulmonologist and primary said I do not qualify under the 2 or 1 medical condition groups because my conditions are currently well controlled and technically aren’t even on the CDC list. Then I have friends in the same health system getting invites based on medical conditions and they have no idea why. I know I may not know my friend’s confidential medical history but they are confiding in me – I don’t know why I got this and you didn’t. I don’t know why I qualify. It’s so weird.

    2. Just saying, I don’t have an issue with this. There are going to be peripheral companies and employees that aren’t necessarily front-line that are classified as such, and in the case of wanting vaccinate everyone as quickly as possible, broad categories seems more logical to me than spending time making sure every person is classified properly.

      3. There was an interesting article on maybe NPR a week ago about how red states are actually doing better at % vaccinated than blue states because the rules are more lax. People who *should* be front of line may not be getting all the doses but at least people are getting them. I’m still in favor of having some structure and priority, but too many rules makes it too difficult for most states to manage.

      4. Same. He’s part of infrastructure of a healthcare company. He’s not front facing but supports folks who are somewhere down the line, so his job is (in theory) important to the going concern of his company.

        In the words of everyone’s favorite ice princess: Let it gooooooooo. My anger/frustration is better spent elsewhere.

    3. In California cannabis workers were prioritized over teachers. So… yeah….
      (I’m still on team take it when offered even if you know it doesn’t make sense though).

      1. Those were essential businesses that were allowed to stay open during the shut down in my state, so it makes sense to me. Retail workers are essential.

    4. One of my good friends in the Los Angeles area somehow got onto a list for getting a call if the nearby facility had shots to spare at the end of the day due to no-shows (which is apparently a high % of appoinyments.) They called one day and asked if he could be there within 1/2 hour, he said yes and brought his wife. That put them on the list for the second shot and how they’re all vaccinated. I’m envious but also curious how he got on the list. I’m literally two blocks from a hospital / clinic complex and would do that in a heartbeat but I’ve heard of no such list.

      1. It’s all about who you know and the impact is worst on people of color and people living in poverty. It’s upsetting to think that the people who have been hardest hit by the pandemic are least likely to have the special connections so many well-off whites seem to be benefiting from right now.

        1. It’s sad but I’d rather see the vaccine going in arms than being wasted in the trash even if those extra doses are going to people with special connections.

        2. I don’t know anybody— I just googled “covid vaccine in My City” and signed up online at every pharmacy that had a waiting list. Some of them had waiting lists and some didn’t. I got on every waiting list I could. I got a call at the end of the day one day asking if I could be there within 45 minutes, and that’s how I got my shot. I don’t have any special connections; I just did the legwork. I would think you can do this in any city or town– just go to pharmacy websites and sign up.

      2. I’m not sure I would do this but one lady posted on my town FB page that she just went down to the national guard site a few minutes before the final appointment and asked them if they had any leftover vaccine she could have. She reports that they gave her a shot and a second appointment.

      3. This is called a reserve list and in my state it is being done by county. Check out your local health department’s website/social medias. Your friend is super lucky though–not a ton of jabs are left at the end of the day!

        But yes that’s how these lists work. You have to answer the phone at a certain time of the day and be able to be there within 30 mins. Our list resets every single day, so you have to email them every evening for the next day’s list. It’s worth it and my SO and I do it every day.

    5. I kind of think these questions are silly now – not because it’s not a worthwhile inquiry as to who are getting shots when, but because in reality, there is little rhyme or reason to the eligibility (beyond over 65 and serious health condition) and there is no central hub for determining who is eligible because of the health systems we have. By nature when you have a diffuse and locally run medical systems, you’re going to have a thousand different methods (or no methods) of distribution.
      At this point, the vast majority of people over 65 in the U.S. have had the shot, and most eligible health care workers who want the shot have received it. So get it if you have the opportunity. We’re going for herd immunity through vaccine now and way too many shots are being wasted from spoilage to care about guilt.

      2. Legitimate question. Where are you seeing that the vast majority of people over 65 have had their first shot? I’m trying to get appointment for my parents and in-laws, and have had no luck in either state. I’m curious where you are getting that information, because im hoping that if true it should make my search easier.

        1. Anecdotally, it appears that my 65+ friends and family are getting appointments/have had at least one shot in Wisconsin. My grandparents are both fully vaccinated (that was a huge relief). My father is 65+ and had to push his appointment to the first week of March because he got quarantined due to a positive test result in his household. I’m in a volunteer organization that has a good amount of retired people and the few who I’ve talked to are at least one shot it.

  22. Long shot but given that there’s people here from everywhere – any familiarity with Princeton university’s campus? Is it a driving campus or walking? I’ll be in that area waiting for a family member and will have an extra hour or so. I love college campuses and in pre pandemic times would totally explore. Now I wanted to know if there’s a drive around campus that’s nice or even a walk that’s likely to be quiet. If not I’ll just wait in my car at the office building parking lot but just wanted to ask.

    1. It is a beautiful campus and good for walking around, but I don’t know if during Covid times they have closed campus to non-affiliated people?

    2. I’m an alum – great campus for walking around! It was open to the public in the fall.

    3. It is a lovely campus to walk around, and I don’t think that it is closed at the moment. The town itself is pretty, and Princeton Tour Co has self-guided audio tours if you want to know what you are seeing (lots of revolutionary and early national history).

    4. It’s a beautiful campus for a walk, and the town of Princeton is great for walking around. (I love college towns.)
      From the university’s site:
      The town of Princeton offers numerous shops and restaurants.
      Art exhibitions and events abound.
      More than a dozen parks and historical sites are within walking distance including the Princeton Battlefield, the Delaware and Raritan Canal towpath and the Charles H. Rogers Wildlife Refuge/Institute Woods.

    5. My extended family lives in Princeton, so I’m there all the time. It’s definitely a walkable downtown. The campus is fairly large so you wouldn’t be able to see everything on an hour or two, but you can certainly walk around the main parts and the very cute downtown area (directly across the street from one side of the campus).

    6. oh im an alum and it’s a gorgeous campus for walking around!! if you don’t have a ton of time i’d spen most of it walking around the north part of campus, like start at nassau st and go generally south. also you could grab a coffee at small world or some pastries at chez alice and then just wander sout on campus. the main rectange of campus is between faculty/nassau and alexander and washington, but i graduated quite a few years ago and i know they have expanded west and east so those areas are probably more quiet (eg forbes college and west towards the grad apartments) and the big science buildings east of washington.

  23. My hair and scalp have become quite dry in the past month. I regularly dye my hair with Madison Reed, and I’d be surprised if that’s to blame for it, as it leaves my hair feeling moisturized. With forced air heat, low humidity, etc. my skin is dry all around, including the scalp. Please tell me how to fix this without spending too much money. Hair mask? Oil treat a la the VO5 commercials from the 1990s? Better conditioner? Or, stop dying my hair (yikes)? And tips appreciated!

    2. The dye + weather and/or change in body chemistry is probably the issue. A weekly deep condition and/or hot oil treatment should help a lot. You don’t need to do expensive treatments either, many stores, and all beauty supply stores sell individual treatment packets of various brands of oils and deep conditioners for between $1 and $5. Or just buy a big container of jojoba oil or food grade grape seed oil and use that, concentrating on the scalp and ends of hair.

    3. A year or two ago I bought some shampoo containing tea tree oil to combat persistently dry scalp. It has worked wonders! I shampoo with my regular stuff and rinse, then shampoo with just a tiny bit of this and just rub it into my scalp and not try to wash all of my hair with it, then rinse and do my normal conditioner.

      There are also all kinds of scalp treatments that contain various oils – tea tree, jojoba, etc – but I found those difficult to use just the right amount, so the shampoo has been a good solution for me.

    4. There are small bottles of scalp oil sold in the black hair care aisle that I love to use during the winter. They’re $3 or so each. They’re about the size of your palm and come with a pointy twist top (like hair color).

    5. Quit heat styling, air dry only. Cut out any styling products with alcohol (check ingredients).

  24. I lost 30 lbs last year!! So I’ve been online shopping a lot and following lots of fashion bloggers on instagram, etc. I’m loving the idea of more neutrals as I rebuild my wardrobe, but I’m South Asian and a lot of the tans/beiges I see bloggers wearing feel a little too close to my own skin color. Does anyone know of fashion bloggers who are WOC with tan/brown skin so I can see examples of flattering outfits & color combos? I’m 5’2″, 130 lbs with thighs and a bigger bust and trying to figure out how to dress myself in ways I feel confident has been an ongoing challenge.

    1. Extra Petite (she is maybe 95 pounds normally but good for color inspo @jeanwang), Rynetta Davis @really.rynetta

      1. Maybe. I am always surprised at Jean’s camel and cream and yellow and green. I am also Asian and my coloring seems similar to hers and those colors make me look like death.

      2. Extra Petite didn’t work for me, but Rynetta Davis looks promising. thanks!

      3. I love Extra Petite! I can’t speak to the color combos since I have a different complexion (I’m also not petite) but she is really good at putting outfits together.

    2. Putting me together. She is a WOC and looks fairly petite. She wears a good amount of black, white, and blush lately.
      Congrats on your weight loss!

    3. Look up color analysis on google and see which palette you are. It takes into consideration your skin tone and hair and eye colors to categorize you into a season and intensity. It kinda blew my mind when I figured out that I’m a deep winter and finally got why browns and pastels don’t look good on me.

  25. Recs for Etsy (or other) shops with good “modern” looking embroidery kits? Someone posted JiggeryPokery here which is exactly the type of thing I’m looking for: minimalist with bold colors, focus on graphics and not text, not cross-stitch. Any similar places I should be looking at? TIA!

  26. Kind of a psa. I’ve been on the hunt for a great facial sunscreen, preferably physical only, and many $$ and trials later I’ve found it.

    Biossance Mineral with Squalane. This has nano zinc as the active, so a very minimal white cast going on that is gone as soon as I lightly rub it in. My BB cream does not pill when applied on top – as with all sunscreens I’ve tested, I let it set for a minute or two before I apply the BB cream (I do my eye makeup before my face makeup so this is plenty of time.)

    The thing I really like is that with the Squalane the product is also a moisturizer. I go straight from serum to the Biossance and I’m plenty moisturized for the day.

    The company uses Squalane sourced from sugarcane so it’s cruelty free and sustainable. The plastic-feeling tube is also made from sugarcane. The company seems to be all about green/clean beauty, which I appreciate.

    Overall I’m relieved to have finally found a facial sunscreen I’m happy to wear every day, which my dermatologist says is the most important part.

    1. Building off of this, I’ve been meaning to ask whether anyone has a recommendation for a physical sunscreen that comes in stick form. I realized I really dislike getting sticky, greasy sunscreen on my hands when I’m outdoors and not near a sink (biking, hiking) and that a stick might solve my problems when it comes time to re-apply. Any faves?

      2. I’m OP. Supergoop makes one. It’s not my favorite but it’s thick and seems to give good coverage. I keep it in my purse to mainly use on my hands because sensitive facial skin and all that.

      1. I’m OP. I have used the Elta UV clear and I liked it ok, but I had mild stinging on my facial skin when applying it, it was not as moisturizing as the Biossance, and it pilled under my BB cream so that was a no-go for me. I am using up the rest of the bottle on my chest area.

    3. Appreciate the psa. Finding a good physical sunscreen is an eternal hunt for me. I’ll check this one out.

  27. Thanks for the recommendation for Invisible Women. I just finished reading it and it was a revelation. What an incredibly researched guide to the many ways this gender-neutral world is, in fact, meticulously designed around men, and what a difference it can make for women to be part of redesigning the world to also consider the needs of 50% of the population. This one will stay with me. Thanks.

    1. Glad you enjoyed! My recent encounter with this sort of data issue is that I put my regular monthly headache and sore throat into our local symptom tracker app and it sent me for a Covid test! Negative, of course, because hormones =/= a virus.

      1. That absolutely checks out. The statistics that especially stuck out to me in Pandemic Times were that “74% of PPE was designed for men” and that because women have different reactions to vaccines than men because of our immune systems, a 2014 paper “proposed developing male and female versions of influenza vaccines.” I will not be holding my breath for a covid vaccine for women.

      2. You put headache and sore throat into what is presumably a covid symptom tracker and you think it’s because of gender bias in systems that you were asked to get a covid test? Or do you mean like a period tracker app, in which case why is it sharing that with your local health authorities?

        1. Covid tracker app. But I also put that I had a sore throat into the app exactly 28 days before, and 28 days before that…

          1. 1. A sore throat is not a generally recognized period symptom.
            2. Of course this app is going to err on the side of recommending a test if there are any symptoms. It probably tells people with allergies to get tested too.

  28. Is anyone else still having terrible mail issues? I almost missed an insurance payment because the annual bill never came, and my prehistoric utilities that require a physical check in the mail have been taking 5-6 weeks to clear.

    2. Yes! Ours was fine until about 3 weeks ago. A friend who lives in South Florida talks about receiving stuff more than 4 weeks after it was mailed.

      1. Yeah, I ordered something that was given to the West Palm Beach post office and supposed to be delivered to me (in the midwest) by the 18th. As of today it appears to still be at the West Palm Beach post office.

    3. Yes. My car registration has not arrived two months after the I applied. I had to pay to get a duplicate.

    4. Yup. Xmas package that I sent to Europe on Nov 1, came back to me 3 months later. Package tracking says that it’s been’delivered’, except it’s actually been returned to sender, not delivered to it’s destination address. Why? They can’t tell me. Tracking shows that the package never left America. They won’t give me my money back either. Very grumpy about that.

    5. Literally have another tab open right now with my insurance information saying my auto has been canceled because I missed I payment that I never received.

      1. Ugh. I missed a payment on an INVOICE that I never received.

        Which I know because I have a stack of them right now in a file on my desk because our homeowners is changing and we’re getting all kinds of notices.

  29. Maybe I’ll repost this afternoon but do ya’ll do adult birthday gifts? What are your general guidelines in the abstract? I give birthday gifts to my immediate family including BIL. If a friend plans a party I’ll bring something like a bottle or small gift. But I don’t give full on bday gifts to every casual friend because then I’d literally be buying presents all the time.

    If anyone wants to weigh in on this particular situation, there is a small group of people in my building who hang out in the outdoor common area. Someone is planning a surprise bday party for their partner and asked us all to buy and wear a certain item that costs ~$25. Fine. We also discussed food/drinks we’d each bring. Today he sends a group text with a gift wishlist of items costing $50-$250 and is assuming each of us are buying his partner a present. He said something like it was ok if we bought him something that’s not on the list. This is weird right? I can’t used COVID as an excuse at this point (everyone in this group is either vaccinated or already had COVID plus it’s in the outdoor area we all hang out in constantly) but am thinking of making up another excuse and backing out. On the other hand, maybe this small group is all some of these people have right now bc of COVID and I’m being a grinch.

    1. I treat my friends to lunch/brunch/dinner or a pedi or something and vice-versa. We don’t exchange actual items and haven’t ever. I buy gifts for weddings and babies but not birthdays

      1. I should add in my circle it’s pretty ordinary that unless it’s a very small dinner party for events to be potluck at some level. Like the host will do fajitas, sides, drinks, dips etc. and guests will supplement with desserts and even more appetizers.

    2. This seems very odd to me. How old is this group? Early 20s? If so, I’d just chalk it up to not really transitioning to older friendships. Older? It’s a rude gift grab. I sporadically buy very close friends birthday gifts, and would bring flowers or wine to a party, but that’s it.

    3. I think that’s bizarre that he created and shared a gift list. I typically get small birthday gifts for closest friends but that’s it.

    4. Yes, that is extremely weird and off-putting especially coming from the person’s partner (not much better than if it were coming from the bday boy himself). In fact, I think it’s off-putting that you’re being asked to spend $25 on a clothing item and bring your own food and drink. When adults have a birthday party they typically pay for their guests OR go out to a restaurant where it’s made clear beforehand that everyone is paying for themselves. The whole thing is in extremely poor taste. If you really feel the need to go, I would bring him a bottle of wine in the ~$20 range an call it a day.

    5. Is it a milestone birthday? Even if that’s the case, it would be odd for my friend circle. You bought the tshirt (or whatever) and you’re bringing food! With the exception of a few friends and family, I assume that adults buy their own gifts and that my presence is the present :)
      I’d attend with the food/drink you agreed to bring and wear the thing you bought. If the partner notices/comments on your lack of gift, then you know they’re not your people.

    6. My inner circle makes a small event of milestone birthdays (ending in zero) with a gift and sometimes a restaurant dinner, depending on who’s in town at the time. The unspoken rule we all adhere to is <50 dollars. (I'm not sure how that started, but I assume it happened for the oldest member of the group, then we just kept repeating it.) The other nine birthdays per decade get a call and a card.

      What you describe is excessive for my taste, and I would back out, because it would set a precedent I would not be willing to be held to.

    7. This host is over engineering things and is asking too much of you. Inviting you to a party should not require you to spend money. The item you were expected to buy/wear is already asking a fair bit. Plus you have to contribute food and drinks?! It is not reasonable to expect you to give a gift as well. In this situation, I’d go to the party and enjoy the people; ignore gifts or just write a card that says happy birthday and leave it at that.

      In the abstract: I give birthday gifts to my sisters and sister-in-law. Also to my husband. I have one very old girlfriend with whom I exchange birthday gifts every year. Otherwise, I only give birthday gifts when invited to a birthday party (unless I’m instructed “no gifts” in the invitation).

    8. I only give yearly gifts to my sister and 2 BFFs. And even then the gifts are well under $50 unless it’s a milestone birthday. Everyone else (adult friends) gets a free brunch/dinner (cost shared amongst other guests). occasionally I’ll give them a bar of artisanal dark chocolate or similar, under the $20 range for sure.

    9. This sounds like a business opportunity rather than a party for the party planner. I don’t attend anything with admission charges unless I’m seeing professional performers. I’d decline.

      To answer your question, I give my friends gifts if there’s a lunch or a party but I would not respond well to a list of demands. Especially since you’ve gotten the list for three separate charges.

      1. Ps my friends and I tend to give each other makeup. Splurgy designer lip gloss, stuff like that. Little indulgences.

    10. This is totally bizarre. Casual friend birthday = buy them a drink level investment. Not themed outfits and a gift registry.

    11. Only for my few best friends. I threw a big birthday party a few years ago (totally casual and fairly last minute) and was really surprised that people brought me gifts. For less close friends, I’ll buy a drink or a meal or something at a (non-covid, of course) gathering.

    12. This is totally weird. Birthday boy’s partner should be hosting and providing all food/drinks. He should not be dictating outfits. No gifts.

      For reference, I have been to several milestone birthday parties recently and hosted one myself a couple of months before the world shut down. Host provides food and drink, unless it’s a casual potluck where everyone brings a dish or drink. The only gifts are a few gag gifts from close friends or family members. My husband’s friends and family came from all over the country to attend the party I threw him. I fed them very well, thanked them profusely for their presence, and didn’t tell them what to wear.

    13. Is it possible that lots of people were asking him for gift ideas and instead of responding individually he sent the list out to the whole group?

      I’ve done that before regarding bringing a dish to a party. If I’m hosting and I’m inviting 7 people and 5 have already texted “what can I bring” I might send out a group text that says “hey guys, everyone is asking what they can bring. You don’t need to bring anything but yourself, but if you insist, here are some things I’m still planning to buy/dishes to plan. If you are grabbing it, please let me and the group know so no one else gets it!”

  30. Has anyone had a particularly good experience with a specific company for home or car insurance? Nobody I know (including myself) has had anything other than complaints, which isn’t really helpful for shopping purposes.

    I finally got fed up with mine when I called to request paperless billing and statements, and they put me on hold for half an hour, then came back to tell me that they don’t offer that.

    1. I’ve had a very good experience so far with Progressive, both with service and actual claims handling.

    2. We’ve had good experiences with Hanover and Travelers for car insurance. Both have also insured our homes, but we didn’t have claims on those sides so can’t speak to that, but would expect good service based on how the auto side runs.

    3. I’ve only had good experiences with Geico (car insurance); I just State Farm for my renters insurance and don’t love it

    4. I’ve had an awesome experience with Geico for car coverage. They’ve paid out several claims, always quickly, and have been super communicative.

    5. On the off chance you’re in Wisconsin, I really like Rural Mutual! We had a claim within a month of having it and I thought for sure we’d be dropped – nope, and it was handled in 2 days. I posted above that I am having some random billing issues but I have every confidence my agent is going to figure it out this afternoon.

    6. We have all our insurance with Liberty Mutual and have had good claims service from them over the years. Occasionally the premiums get high and we call and they requote and drop the premiums.

    7. In case you’re still reading, Travelers is fantastic. Been through claims processes with both home and auto with utmost professionalism.

  31. When would you consider traveling out of your home state/out of the USA if living here with the pandemic? After you’re vaccinated/not until 2022? My spouse and I will both be vaccinated shortly but elementary aged children with no underlying health conditions obviously won’t be anytime soon. We had canceled a family trip to the Bahamas for this past February. Anticipating that there will be a major spike in travel bookings with lent up demand, but at the end of the day absolutely don’t want to be a vector.

    1. I’m going one state over and to see my family once my parents are vaccinated. No kids and my wife is vaccinated; I have antibodies according to the blood bank. So that feels very safe.
      We have a milestone anniversary this year and are tentatively looking at late August or September for a flight-length trip. No discussion of international travel yet.

    2. I’m dying to reschedule my cancelled 2020 trip to Paris but not worth actually dying for. So I’m waiting to reschedule until we have the all clear. And obviously after I’m vaccinated. With new variants emerging, I’m taking a wait and see approach.

    3. We booked international flights (Caribbean) already – if we’re vaccinated great, if not, they were super inexpensive (for the itinerary) tickets and it will be no issue to cancel & reuse the flight credits.

      1. That was my thinking as well-to buy it now while prices are low and cancel if seems untenable. But still stuck on assessing risk of bringing kids on the plane/traveling with them. I’m wouldn’t hesitate if it were just me and my spouse and we were both vaccinated/knew that we wouldn’t be spreading it.

    4. i don’t think i will feel comfortable flying until DH and I are both vaccinated and until numbers are much lower/possibly herd immunity bc we have two toddlers who aren’t reliable mask wearers and they aren’t testing the vaccine as kids as young as they are, but they are testing it on young elementary kids. at the moment, i can’t see myself feeling comfortable flying with my kids until 2022, but i might feel differently as they get older and i could trust them more to wear a mask and face shield. they are also newlyish potty trained and i would like to be past the point of five thousand trips to the bathroom

    5. We’re visiting my in-laws when their second dose kicks in. We’re in our late 30s and don’t expect to be vaccinated until this summer, the kids (both 2.5) will be even later. It’s a 6 hour drive. All 4 of us are at low risk from covid complications – and the 1 or 2 stops will will make en route don’t seem like an unreasonable risk to let my in-laws hang out with their grandchildren, who they haven’t seen in over a year.

  32. New boss, visiting me in my office for the 2nd time today: “I’m going to bruise my knuckles coming down here and banging on your door.”

    So don’t bang?!

      1. Haha, thanks for patiently listening! I live in a super rural town and it’s more or less stick it out or move, which we’re not ready to do. It’s been frustrating lately (healthcare), but it’s not hellish either, so we’re staying for now. New boss is still very new, too.

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