Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: ‘Terry’ Wool Blend Sheath Dress

119 Comments

1. I can’t stop saying ‘like’. Does anyone have any tips for stopping? Is there a word or phrase I can use instead? I use it both in recapping what people said (my Mom was like are you going to come visit) and for examples of things (I need to do something, like go shopping) and randomly in places where it doesn’t even belong (I like can’t believe that I even speak this way). I know some of those are appropriate uses, but I think with the three combined uses it sounds as though it is every second word coming from my mouth. I can hear myself doing it when I talk but I can’t stop myself. The worst part is my husband does it too (one of us must have picked it up from the other / we are encouraging the other’s bad habit). Help pleeeease.

   1. None of those are appropriate uses. The best way I’ve found is a swear jar. Every time you say like, a quarter goes in. It’s about forcing yourself to stop and think about what you are saying.

      1. I don’t think the second usage is the end of the world. Should you use “such as” there in order to be correct? Yes, but I wouldn’t judge a person using it that way in every day conversation.

         At any rate, as was already mentioned, you need to try to stop and think more about what you are saying. Take a breath and wait a couple of seconds to think it through in your head before you let it come out of your mouth.

         1. The whole sentence is just poor. None of it is the end of the world, but if what you need to do is go shopping, just say that. Hedging your words is what gets you using like like all the time because it’s just like totes necessary.

         2. +1, use #2 is appropriate.

            1. Really? Why. I need to do something, like go shopping, or fishing, or drink tea. That sentence works for me. With just one option introducing a new clause is pointless and sloppy. You just need to do something, and the only possibility is shopping?

            2. If you need to do something, like go shopping, you might satisfy your need to do something with another activity, like go for a walk or get a soda.

            3. Exactly my point. You need more than just the first half of that sentence for the usage to be appropriate.

            4. I don’t think you have to always put all the options out there. You can be hungry for something like ice cream. You don’t have to enumerate all the other desserts that would also satisfy your sweet tooth in order to make a statement.

      2. Are you by any chance from an area of fast talkers? I’m in a bunch of speech and public speaking classes, and the people (including myself) who struggle with this tend to be from fast-paced environments where quick-talking is the norm, such as New York and Philadelphia.

         Because we talk so fast, our words don’t keep pace with our thoughts, so while we’re trying to think of the next word to spit out, we fill it with filler words or sounds, such a s”like” and “um”. This ends up with our sentences being “I, like want to go um, shopping for um, like a sweater or something”.

         The biggest thing that helps is just reminding yourself to slow down. Breathe. What will sound incredibly slow to you actually sounds normal. If you can’t find the right word, resist the urge to fill the silence with a noise, and pause a breathe for a second until the right word comes. It feels incredibly uncomfortable but really sounds much better.

         1. Yes I am! Those are good points. Thanks!

            1. This may seem silly and more appropriate for more formal situation, but watch The King’s Speech. Watch how the speech instructor reassures the King that pausing and speaking slowly will make him sound more serious. If you let yourself slow down, you’ll use fewer filler words, like “like”!

               Just to help you get your head around the idea that slowing down and pausing are fine. I actually used this strategy when I had to give a little 5-minute talk to my organization’s leadership, and it went very, very well. I’m someone who doesn’t do a lot of public speaking, so watching someone else learn how to improve their public speaking was actually rather helpful to me.

   2. Funny, we have been having this issue lately as well. Maybe it is a phase? What has worked for me is: if I notice that I used the word “like” I will re-word the sentence on the spot just to remind myself not to do it. Like is an easy placeholder, so making it a lot harder to say has definitely discouraged me from using it, and it is going away. So I will say “My mom was like are you— my mom asked if I was going to come visit.” or “I need to do something like– I would love to go shopping.” A few of my co-workers picked up on it, and they have started doing it too. Warning, it can make for a long conversation at first. However, we are much improved!

   3. I’m from California and had a strong Valley Girl accent when I started college. I made a concerted effort to drop it, in the way that someone might try to drop a Southern accent. For me, the biggest thing was to slow down my speech. Slow, slow, slooooooow. And pay attention to other words to use in place of “like.” So, “my sister was like, ‘I’m not around that weekend,'” becomes “my sister told me she’s not around that weekend.” Sometimes “like” means a pause, in which case try to just pause without saying a filler word.

      It’s not easy and it takes a while, but I do think my language sounds more mature and professional without the Valley Girl accent. Of course, when I get around my sisters, we all revert to our native tongue, to the shock of anyone who has only known me since college. =)

      1. I too am from SoCal. When i was in high school, using my “beach girl” accent (not from the Valley!), my dad would just hold up his hand and count how many “Likes” I used. I grew out of it, but I notice it very much in others. I would say to speak more deliberately. Choose your words. Work on eloquence. And be very cognizant of it–verbal fillers are sometimes unconscious, but as soon as you’re conscious, you can change. It took a few years, but I simply don’t use “like” the way I did when I first left California.

   4. Good luck! I broke the “like” habit a few years ago by simply banning the word. I still struggle with other filler words and fast talking though. In a related question, does anyone know of a polite way to suggest to a younger colleague that they really need to stop with the up-speak (everything sounding like a question)?

      1. What’s your relationship? Coworker in your same department? Mentee?

         If it’s someone you have a good relationship with, I’d suggest framing it as a way to improve their executive presence, such as “I’m sure you don’t realize it, but when you speak, you end on an ‘up’, like you’re asking a question. It can make you sound unsure of yourself and could limit how people view you as a professional”

         If not, maybe gift a copy of “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office”. But definitely do something–While I didn’t have an uptalk problem, i did have an “asking permission” problem when I first started which I didn’t realize was a problem until a kind coworker told me.

      2. I hate upspeak. Especially when it is used in court. I once heard a twenty something female lawyer use upseak during oral argument and I wanted to scream, “Stop sounding as though you are unsure of your legal argument!!! It is NOT HELPING!”

   5. Pause instead of saying anything. Every time you feel yourself about to say “like” or “um” or “just”, take a pause and don’t say anything instead. It’s less noticeable, and will decrease over time.

      1. This is what I do to stop saying “um” or “like” – I learned this in moot court in law school.
         Also saying each word slowly and enunciating each word more clearly gives you time to think, and it comes out more smoothly than you think (even if it feels slow to you!), and you don’t have to add “like” or “um” because you’ll know what you are going to say next.

   6. When you think about it, ‘was like’ is a perfect replacement for ‘said’ if you’re not directly quoting. Not that that makes it any more acceptable, sadly!

   7. One of the things that helped me most in a public speaking setting was having my speeches recorded or videoed, then played back to me, and then I got a chance to do them over again. It was very illuminating to see just how much I stumbled and fumbled for words, and how many filler words I used while trying to collect my thoughts.

      My speech teacher also took off a half point for each like, um or other filler word off of our assignment grade, and bumped it to a full percentage point by the 2nd half of the class. Dropping from an A to a B for a few misplaced “likes” cut that in a hurry.

      One fun idea, if your husband is up for it, is to get some obnoxious buzzers (or just use your voices) and every time one of you catches the other using “like” as a filler or in place of “said” you hit the buzzer. Only at home of course, and only while hanging out – not during serious conversations. Nothing like immediate feedback to shock you out of it.

   8. I have some experience with mentoring junior colleagues who want help with this same issue as well as other problems that prevent their speech from being taken as seriously. I’ve referred them to vocal/voice coaches, but the main technique all the coaches seem to use is recording yourself. If your husband is trying to drop the same habit, record yourselves conversing with each other, listen to the recording, then try to have the same type of conversation without using “like.” Repeat, repeat, repeat!

      Also, there are vocal coaching courses online if you want to go that route.

   9. I had to do this with “like” and posture (slouching) and get someone to tell you when you’re doing it. Someone who it annoys is preferable.

2. Absolutely lovely. If my salary allowed it, my workwear would be all Max Mara.

   1. Yay! Pricey Monday’s! I lOVE Pricey Monday’s and this sheathe dress, tho it is way to fashionabley svelte for me to wear to court b/c to many men would be stareing at me and my tuchus. Mabye if I loose another 10 pound’s but my goal is to be profesional and NOT atract attention to my body. YAY!

      This weekend we all went to see Grandma’s bath tub. She want’s to make a new bathroom that is more age apropriate. She showed me a high toilet seat which was VERY soft and comforaeable. I think we should all get those, b/c it also is VERY easy to sit down and get up quick from. Dad is goeing to get his man to do this at his house for mom also.

      Myrna is still tired from the Tryathelon, and want’s me to go with her for 3 day’s to the shore in NJ. Dad say’s there are alot of trashy places there and hope’s Myrna will find a quiet place like Ocean City. Does any one in the HIVE recomend a clean place where men will NOT want to have sex with us? I want to go but Dad MUST aprove the place first! HELP!

3. Love this dress!!!

   So I found a replacement seersucker suit at Land’s End, of all places, AND it is modern-looking and not really vanity sized, AND both pieces (pants + jacket) cost $90 total. Win!

   1. Love seersucker. It’s all sold out in my size- bummer.

4. I live by a parka we have noticed an increase in animal dumping- as in people will leave their cats there. I love cats but we cannot have another animal in our house. The last time we “rescued” a dumped cat it took us two weeks to find it a home and it was very hard on our family. And yes, we all but confirmed it was a dumped cat (it had been microchipped and we contacted it’s vet and prior owners and they did not want it back). Now we have another dumped cat. What should we be doing?

   1. Calling animal control to pick it up.

   2. Call your local animal shelter! If the cats are domestic and not feral they might pick them up for re-homing. At a minimum they should get a Trap/Neuter/Release program in the park so that you don’t end up with thousands of kittens in a year or two.

   3. Are there any local Cat rescues you can develop a relationship with?? Alternately, Animal Control/your local humane society.

   4. Ugh. I hate people that just dump off their pets. So sad. I agree with other posters about working with a local shelter or rescue group. If you’re able to foster the cat temporarily, they might be able to post the animal on their website or Pet Finder to get the word out to potential adopters. We rescued a kitten and had trouble finding him a home among family and friends. I contacted a local rescue and they posted him on their site and found an adopter that way. Thanks for trying to take care of these animals.

   5. Morocco is notorious for stray cats but I can’t believe someone would abandon their own pet.
      Even when I went through a rough patch, I made sure my cat had her food because she didn’t chose this life and I have no right to dumb her in the street when she doesn’t have any survival reflex.

5. I found a somewhat similar dress at Banana Republic a few years back – all wool, $50 on the sale rack. I get loads of compliments on it; the only downside is that the neckline makes it hard to wear necklaces with.

   So random question: brown mascara. Not waterproof, not the super-volume type; just basic brown mascara. I had some from The Body Shop a while back, but it needs to be replaced. Any ideas?

   1. I like covergirl mascara if you want a brown one.

   2. Clinique has a few different types of mascara in brown shades. I use non-waterproof High Impact in black/brown and I love it for everyday wear.

   3. If you can get No7 their mascaras all come in ‘Brown/Black’ as well as ‘Black’ – I like the Stay Perfect one.

   4. Thank you! I will look at those.

   5. Maybelline Great lash and Soft Lash both come in Brown/Black.

6. I’m looking to neaten up my closet and would like to replace my cheapo generic plastic hangers. Anybody have any favorites?

   1. Velvet hangers for the win! They keep everything on the hanger–without the little pulls at the shoulder–and take less space than the cheap plastic ones, so you can fit more stuff!

      I got a huge box on Amazon

      1. Yes. Get these. They make my life better.

      2. +1

         Total game-changer.

      3. Agree! Costco has been carrying them recently.

      4. Yes. You can usually find them at Marshall’s/TJ Maxx/Home Goods

      5. I’m curious about this, because people seem to love them. Do the thinner edges make them more or less likely to poke the dreaded shoulder holes? I don’t really have problems with items slipping off (I have some with the indentations that I use for that), but worry that the narrow edge would be pokier. And I’m also not sure I see the benefit of being able to put more hangers on the rod – I like to space out my clothes when I can so they get more air/less wrinkly.

         1. +1 to your concerns. I am not sold on the velvet hangers but want to hear more. I’ve actually been thinking of switching to wooden.

            1. As a counterpoint to all the love here, I have the velvet hangers and my tailor thinks they are the devil. I’m petite and they stretch out the shoulders of all my clothes; she complains every time I bring things in. Also, I find they break fairly easily- the metal bit snaps off the velvet bit. That said, I still have 2 closets full of them, I find them preferable to normal plastic/metal hangers because they don’t slip, and I probably won’t switch until I have time to redo everything with special petite hangers.

            2. I really dislike them. It’s hard to slip clothes onto the hangers because the fabric clings, so it takes a bit of fiddling. And the slim size just means my clothes get jammed together without room to truly hang freely. I gave all of mine away.

            3. I use plastic for almost everything, and wooden for my nicer pieces. I like the wooden ones because they last and don’t affect the fabric of the clothes.

            4. They do come in child sizes too, you could try that.

         2. I don’t have a problem with marks on my clothes. They’re thinner, so you get more space between your clothes when you hang them.

         3. I get the ones that don’t have a bottom bar, and they are just narrower overall (from tip to tip, I’m not speaking width if you were to stack the hangers next to each other). This means they don’t even really poke into shoulders like the men’s-sized hangers do.

            Also, having a slimmer hanger actually gives you more room to space out your clothes. Having a slimmer hanger doesn’t force your clothes together. It just allows you to get more hangers on the rod while maintaining the same buffer space in between each one, because the hanger itself is taking up less space.

            1. Also, they have children’s sizes in the velvet hangers too. I use these for my really soft sweaters that are most susceptible to shoulder pokes.

      6. Yes velvet hangers make everything look sleek

   2. Does anyone have recommendations on where to get the right size hangers for petite clothes? The children’s hangers are too small but the standard size ones are often too large..

      1. Onlyhangers dot com. They have a few different options. 15.5″ works best for me. Measure your blazers to find what works for you. Some very petite women can get away with juniors’ size hangers, which are easier to find, but my blazers slip off them too easily.

7. How difficult is it to learn to use a curling iron reasonably well? I’m having a very small courthouse wedding ceremony (with a photographer) and I want it to look nice for the pictures. I have long ringlet curls that generally look presentable, so I’ve never had my hair done before. I’m considering either doing that, or doing it myself and just using a curling iron on whatever parts are misbehaving. I’ve never used any kind of hair styling implement or anything before, besides mousse. Is this a bad idea?

   1. You could probably learn to do it but I’d suggest paying someone. You don’t want to take risks on your wedding day and even though your wedding will be small, you’ll still have a lot on your plate.

   2. It’s not rocket science, it just takes a little patience. If this is a one-off thing, it’s probably cheaper and easier to pay someone to do your hair than it will be to spend money on a nice curling iron. I’m not sure if they have improved since I last used them, but drugstore curling irons don’t get that hot so you’d want to buy a nicer one.

   3. Yeah, you can definitely get your hair done by a professional for less than it costs to buy a decent curling iron that will work well. You could maybe learn how to use it. If you practiced daily between now and then. But unless you are a hair genius (which, since you never style it, it doesn’t sound like you are), I find it generally takes ~5 times to get good at a particular flat iron/wand/curling iron style. You may find it very difficult to get the exact right type of curl that will match your natural ones. Just save the stress and get it done.

      1. This! For simple curling, you could go to MasterCuts or HairCuttery and have your hair done for less than $30. A good iron can easily cost $100 and up.

         1. Wait, seriously? HairCuttery does this for that little? What’s the difference between the job they do and the people I’m seeing charge $75-100?

            1. I’d be wary of Hair Cuttery, unless you know someone there already. I went once for a really simple all one length trim and the hairdresser had a lot of trouble with my straight, shoulder-length hair with no layers. I could have done a better job myself.

            2. Independent salons or boutique salons will charge two or three times as much for “event hair”. When all you want is it curled rather than an elaborate updo, that’s quick and easy. And since it’s not cutting, there’s only so much they can do wrong.

               I’ve gone in a number of times when I had a big date or party and had my hair washed, dried, and curled…it’s never been more than $30 at Hair Cuttery (plus tip)

   4. For your wedding, I would just pay someone to style your hair. That would be one less thing to worry about. However, for curling iron tutorials, I like The Small Things blog.

   5. Do you want to be able to curl your hair in the future? If yes, I’d buy a $30 curling iron (1 to 1.5 in depending on length of hair), and watch some YouTube tutorials. It will take a few times to master but its definitely doable.

8. I have really smelly feet and the only thing that seems to help is wearing shoes with leather lining (not synthetic lining). I’m looking for work pumps with no more than a 3 inch heel (no specific colors). Any advice on brands with leather lining (have already looked at Cole Haan, Stuart Weitzman, SJP brand, AGL). Thanks!

   1. The “Oath” pump by Naturalizer. As basic as it comes, but it’s real leather, looks great, and heel is under 3″

   2. Last time I looked, Ann Taylor shoes were lined in leather.

   3. Boden’s shoes are frequently leather lined.

   4. Even if shoes with leather lining, I use Summer Soles inserts. I highly recommend them.

   5. Fryes. Not all of their pumps are professional wear, but the ones that are are fabulous.

   6. Brooks Brothers shoes are usually leather lined. Wait for their end of season sales and stock up.

   7. Be sure to get leather soles, too. They breathe, and you won’t have as much of a problem with sweaty feet (which is usually what causes the odor).

9. Does anyone have a wallet that they love? Perhaps I am overthinking buying a wallet. I like the Dagne Dover clutch wallet, but it’s kind of big and I don’t like the way it zips.

   1. I just bought this one at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PTDD0IC?psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00

      I’m really happy with it so far. It holds all my cards, my paper money, a reasonable number of coins, and best of all it fits in even my smallest purses. Plus it was super inexpensive so if it doesn’t last forever it’s not the end of the world.

      1. That is very cute. What color did you get? (Also, I’m fairly sure we are internet twins. Sorry, this is beginning to sound stalkerish. :))

         1. LOL I am always happy to have an internet twin!

            I got the “sky blue,” which is like a nice light turquoise (the color in the photo on my monitor is pretty accurate).

   2. I love my Hobo wallet and bought it at the recommendation of several people on this s!te (thanks hive)! It’s the Sadie, and it looks like a clutch, but there are other styles people rave about as well. The pretty lining on the inside makes me happy whenever I use it.

      1. Love my Hobo Sadie – she’ll be four years old in January and I love it just as much as the day I bought it.

10. Suggestions for jet black long wear/waterproof mascara?

    1. Max Factor 2000 Calorie is the only one I’ve found that doesn’t rub off on my lower lid (and I’ve tried more mascaras that I can count)

    2. Rimmel Wonder’full in the waterproof version (which is black) – I was sceptical about the spelling but it’s actually a very good mascara.

    3. for cheap – covergirl in the orangetube

       for $$$ – benefit – theyre real (or something like that)

11. I moved to DC a little over a month ago and am still feeling out the restaurant scene. I know restaurant week is coming up and I would love some recommendations from any locals (for great places generally or restaurant week!). Bonus points if located reasonably close to a Blue/Orange metro stop.

    1. Do not go to restaurants during restaurant week. They’re crowded, slow, and the food often isn’t up to normal standards of the restaurant.

       But Eater’s 38 Essential DC Restaurants is a great place to start for everyday places – http://dc.eater.com/maps/best-dc-restaurants-38.

       1. And by “everyday” I meant places for times other than restaurant week – some of them are certainly splurges!

       2. I generally agree with this. DH and I realized RW usually shakes out to worse service, smaller portions of a limited menu, and, price-wise, a “free” dessert (which we don’t usually order anyway when eating out).

          If you do want to go, look for restaurants with a full menu offering (without surcharges) and consider going for lunch instead of dinner.

    2. RW is hit or miss but we’ve also had delicious RW meals at Central.

       1. I like lunches during RW but not dinners.

          I just took a look at the listing and would recommend: cafe Bonaparte, China chilcano, Daikaya Izakaya, Fig and Olive, Fiola, Floriana, Iron Gate, LapisDC, Malmaison, Mintwood Place, Oceanaire, Oyamel, Poste, either Rasika, and Zaytinta. The best restaurant in town in my opinion is Blue Duck (not participating). Also, Bistro du Coin is a favorite.

          1. Oops – Meant to reply to Beth.

    3. We recently went to the Green Pig Bistro (Clarendon), and it was delicious!!

12. Beautiful dress!

    I wanted to thank those who responded to my post asking about video conference interviews a few weeks back. I wore solid colors (black jacket and blue dress – not ideal but good enough) and heels. I didn’t do a good job at looking at the camera but I did demonstrate confidence and being at ease – so that was good. Process is still on going so I have my fingers crossed.

13. Is it appropriate/common to tip an aesthetician after a laser hair removal appointment? How much?

    1. I never did, but it wasn’t an option. She swiped my card, I signed, no tip line. But, it’s a service, so it would seem equally normal to tip as any other service. If there was a tip line, I would tip 20%.

    2. The place I go has a little table inside the door of each room with stuff like kleenex, aloe vera, deodorant (to reapply if you had to remove it for underarm hair removal). The table also has thank you notes with envelopes in the service room to leave a cash tip as you leave, which seemed subtle and low-pressure. They also take credit card tips at the front if you don’t have cash, but that’s obviously not as discreet.

14. How often do you wear clothes that have small stains on them that probably aren’t that noticeable? I have a fairly new skirt that I really like that has a pen mark and some other kind of smudge that won’t come out. I’m super compulsive about things like this, so it drives me nuts. it’s also kind of a waste to get rid of a new skirt for what I’m sure isn’t that noticeable. Most people probably wear things with minor stains, right?

    1. Yep, I think so. I’m wearing pants today that have a small stain near the hem.

    2. I would wear something with a small pen mark. I draw the line at food stains, though. ;)

       1. Exactly. One of my favourite blazers has a pen mark (it’s an unusual colour so difficult to replace) and I still wear it. No one’s ever commented on it, but if anyone ever does, my plan is to act surprised to see the pen mark as if it just happened that day. Mwahahahahahaha!

    3. I have one pleated skirt with a tiny stain inside the pleat so it’s not really visible most of the time. I still wear that to work occasionally. Otherwise, once items get stained, they’re no longer work wear for me. Depending on how bad the stain is and what type of item of clothing, it gets demoted to casual wear, around-the-house wear (which is different that casual wear, because around-the-house clothes get pet hair on them and don’t leave the house/yard) or workout wear.

    4. I’m wearing a busy-patterned Boden jersey dress with a small stain on it right now! It is conveniently located in a part of the fabric that is hidden when I sit down, and blends in well enough with all the other colors. I think it’s fine.

       a more prominent blotch on a pale jacket would bother me a lot more.

15. Husband and I are looking to move to Northern Virginia, mostly for the public school system. We’re looking at McLean, Vienna, Reston, Falls Church. Anyone can comment on the quality of the schools in each district? We plan on sending our kids to public school K to 12.

    Lastly, anyone have recommendation for a real estate agent with experience in that area?

    Thanks!!

    1. Kate Ryan with Long and Foster is based out of McLean, and she was incredible. I worked with her in Arlington and Alexandria, but she did send me some listings for Falls Church. Cannot recommend her highly enough.

    2. I don’t know about McLean area but for Fairfax burbs area the top rated high school are: West Springfield High followed by Braddock Secondary School. They both live up to their hype too, I would say. Great elementary schools are Ravensworth, Kings Park, and Keene Mill. If you are looking for language immersion then apply for the lottery early.

    3. Generally speaking, if you’re in Fairfax County, your schools are pretty good. Obviously, some areas are better than others, but in the areas you mentioned, you’re going to be fine. If you want more specific information, you’ll need to be much more specific about the neighborhood as there are TONS of schools in NOVA. There are 5 elementary schools within a 3 mile radius of the house I grew up in! And 3 high schools within 5 miles.

       As for real estate agents, I recommend Drew Hopley at the Donovan Home Team (KW) – drew @ donovanteam dot com. They are based out of Great Falls FWIW.

    4. For what it’s worth, Alexandria public schools are pretty terrible. It seems as though most Fairfax county schools are very good, with some slight variations based upon neighborhood.

       We used Brian Walters at Redfin and really liked him. If you need a lot of hand-holding on the search process, Redfin might not be for you. But I was obsessive about checking listings, so it wasn’t a problem for us. We’d let him know when we wanted to see a house, and either he or an assistant would make the appointment. He was very much available to us during the offer and closing stages when we needed more guidance. And you get a big credit back at closing!

16. Hi all. I was wondering if any of you with a law degree work in corporate compliance? I am considering a career switch and wonder how different that would be versus an in-house position. Curious about the pros/cons/pay compared to in-house or law firm. TIA

    1. I’m not in compliance, but am interested in moving from government to compliance. I’m looking forward to reading the responses to this inquiry!

17. I don’t know if this falls under request for advice, general venting, or both.

    My staff drives me crazy. I worked at a law firm before law school. I started as a receptionist and worked my way up to assistant and then paralegal. I hated when attorneys were rude to me or treated me stupid when I didn’t deserve it.

    Flash forward ten years and now I am the attorney and my staff drives me crazy. They are lazy and make mistakes. I can tell that the receptionist goes to every other attorney office and chats them up and avoids me because I am short with her. I am constantly reevaluating my own behavior so I can be more efficient (and have a life outside of here without sacrificing dedication to my clients).

    I am not a mean or short person outside of work. In fact it’s quite the opposite. I am not annoyed or short with customer service people when it is unrelated to work or my clients.

    I try to be better every week about this and it’s lunch on Monday and I already had to talk to three different staff members about paying attention to detail, etc. It’s not as easy as firing them all (I don’t have the power to do so anyways). But it’s just so unbearably frustrating to me when people waste my time!

    Besides drinking at lunch, anything else I can do? Commiseration?

    1. Maybe being short with the staff isn’t actually efficient in the long run. Maybe if you took a little more time with them and treated them a little more humanely, it would save time because (a) they wouldn’t avoid you so they would ask questions that might avoid mistakes, and (b) they would be more motivated to do good work for you.

       Have you tried talking to the other attorneys in the office about how they manage the staff to get the best out of them?

    2. I struggle with this, too. I think it’s because I have a hard time relating to people who need motivation to do their jobs correctly. There are lots of books on being a good leader. Also, think about the qualities in the people you love to work with; what do they do that makes working for them so wonderful? I have a great boss who routinely finds ways to recognize me if I’ve done a good job, whether it be a “shout out” in an email to the client or the firm’s managing partners, or just swinging by my office randomly to tell me what I good job I did. He also keeps me in mind for opportunities (speaking, cool projects, etc.).

       I am definitely still learning how to better manage people, but the biggest thing that has helped me is reminding myself to have patience. The patience to calmly (and nicely) ask the paralegal/secretary to fix the mistakes. I don’t point them out as mistakes, but I’ll say something like, “Thank you for your work on this. It would be helpful if this chart also had X, Y, Z on it . . . ” (even though I already gave explicit instructions to include X, Y, Z). I don’t know if this is effective in the long run, but it has helped keep our working relationships good. For things that aren’t just “normal” human mistakes, I make sure to constructively address it in their performance evaluations so that the decision-makers know.

       I’ve also just stopped asking for help from the paralegals who seem to never do anything right.

    3. If everyone who reports to you is not doing their jobs well, then that reflects on you as well as on them. Maybe more. If they don’t like or respect you, they are not going to be motivated to pay attention to detail, or do anything but the bare minimum. Also, you can be annoyed as you want at your staff, but it seems to me that letting them know that you’re annoyed (being short, showing your frustration) isn’t productive. You seem to be taking their poor work personally— you are annoyed, frustrated, etc. It’s not about you, though. Stop reacting personally; don’t snap at them like your SO or a friend who p*ssed you off. Keep calm, set a professional tone, and comment only about the work and how it should be improved, not how the *people* should improve. There’s a difference. Finally, trying to “be nice” isn’t the answer. They are unlikely to buy it at this point, and you shouldn’t have to be friends with your reports in order for them to do their jobs well.

    4. “But it’s just so unbearably frustrating to me when people waste my time!”

       Stop viewing it as them being deliberately (or stupidly) making mistakes and wasting your time. I can guarantee that they aren’t trying to do their jobs badly; it’s just that people make mistakes.

       My basic tips:
       1. Be more clear in your instructions. If your entire staff has trouble, you are the constant.
       2. Follow up in writing.
       3. Thank them when they do a good job. No one is motivated to work (or really, do anything) when the options are (a) feel like a failure or (b) finally not feel like a complete failure. People need carrots and not just sticks.
       4. Give them time to check their work. Ask them to check their work. Thank them for checking their work.
       5. When a good product is given to you, thank them: “Thank you, Ellen, for your work on the memo. It’s great that I can send this out to the client with only minor changes.”

       And remember: THEY are not being paid to be miserable. You are being paid to be miserable, anal-retentive, stressed, and to check other people’s work. They are being paid normal, middle-class wages to go to work, be competent, and go home. Yes, it would be nice if they could do their jobs so you don’t have to do it for them, but don’t make them do your job.

       1. I agree with your last point. Staff are not putting off their happiness for 5 or 10 years to get the big prize, so how you make your staff feel at work today is part of their motivation for coming to work tomorrow.

    5. Being friendly with staff doesn’t have to take a lot of time – adding a friendly comment when you assign work takes maybe 5 extra seconds, and a 5 minute conversation about your assistant’s vacation/best friend’s wedding/new puppy/whatever every 0ther week isn’t much in the grand scheme of things.

       Think of how much better feel working for a partner who occasionally makes a well-timed joke or remembers that your big charity event is this weekend, versus the partner who just treats you like a computer to upload instructions to and download work from? Your staff may well care more about you and the work they do for you if they feel that you care about them.

    6. I’m not in a position to really “manage” people, but I always tell my assistant or anyone else who did work for me how helpful it was for them to do xyz for me, even if it was just a small task, or if they turned something around quickly how much I appreciate them doing so, etc. There are times when I’m on a tight timeline and I don’t have time to thank them for every task, but I do it once everything has been filed/the stress is over. I know I respond well when people acknowledge my efforts, even if it’s just a “hey, thanks for doing that!”. I think that can go a long way.

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