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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 144 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Rag & Bone 'Margot' Bootie | CorporetteSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. If you have the money, I feel like Rag & Bone has reigned supreme for THE boot to have for several seasons now. (OK, the Rag & Bone Harrow bootie may tie with the Weitzman 5050 over-the-knee boot — both for the weekend only.) These Margot booties look just as nice to me as the Harrow — I love that flattering notch in the front of the boot, the architectural, chunky heel, and the fact that they're on sale. At full price they're $525, but as part of the Nordstrom sale they're marked down to $349.90. Nice. Rag & Bone ‘Margot' Bootie Two lower-priced options are here and here. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. BB

    Ugh. I need a sanity check. We’re buying a home, and have finally gotten an accepted offer (yay!). Throughout the searching process, we got pre-approved with one broker who was super helpful. Now we’re accepted, I’m calling up 2-3 other mortgage people to compare rates, and I feel SUPER BAD about it. Like I’m cheating on the pre-approval broker or making them waste their time or something. This is dumb, right? I’m supposed to shop around?

    • Mortgage Broker, Here.

      The broker should be shopping for you. Do you suspect they didn’t do a good or complete job?? If yes, then shop away. Even the best brokers have favorite lenders, but they should be shopping it for you and presenting you with the best offer, if not a menu of choices. Also, remember published rates are meaningless unless they’ve done a reasonable analysis of your credit (annual income, net work, short and long-term debt obligations, debt/income ratio). Just make sure that some broker doesn’t tell you they can get you a 3.0% rate just to lure you in. Later down the road they could do the bait-and-switch and very easily blame it on the fact they didn’t do a full underwrite of your financial position.

    • Been there...

      Absolutely shop around! DH and I recently bought our first home and did the same. Our rates were basically the same from one to the next, but I talked with a broker I really liked and wanted to switch. The second broker explained a lot more about buying points and different rates we could achieve, and was very knowledgeable. DH thought we “owed” the broker we used for our pre-approval and we decided to stay put. I wish we had switched, because the broker we ended up using was extremely slow to get paperwork to us and generally unresponsive.
      Learn from my mistake!

    • NYC tech

      Please please please shop around!! This is a MAJOR purchase and the mortgage terms you get will have a huge impact on your life. At most, if you find a better deal, you can always go back to the first guy and say “I have these terms from another broker, but I’ve been happy working with you so far – can you match their offer?” By shopping around, I knocked over 1% off my rate (with no differences in closing costs, principle, fees, etc). Won’t always work but you HAVE to try. Also, in your shopping, you should also call like 4-5 banks directly and see what they say (in addition to brokers).

      • NYC tech

        Sorry, I have to clarify because I feel so strongly about this. The special program that I got my mortgage under is not available through brokers (only going directly through the bank), so if I only worked with a broker I never would have seen it. It takes a little work, but for a difference of potentially hundreds of dollars per month, it’s so worth it. There’s a website called Mortgage Professor that has some excellent tutorials on how to compare rates/fees/etc between different banks. Basically you have to know what form to ask for and make all your calls on the same day.

    • CHJ

      Do not feel bad about this. Mortgage lending is a business. We had the exact same situation happen, where our pre-approval mortgage broker was very helpful and wrote us a number of specific pre-approval letters for offers that we lost in bidding wars. Once we were under agreement, their “best” mortgage rate was 0.25 points higher than what other banks were offering, and 0.75 higher than one specific bank. We did the math, and over the course of our mortgage, that would add up to something like $100,000. Was it worth $100,000 to not feel guilty about our mortgage broker? No!! We did call them and tell them about the rate we had found and asked if they could match it, and they said no. So they lost the business.

      This is a huge purchase and small point differences in mortgage rates add up over 30 years, so do what you need to do and do what’s best for your finances.

    • Lorelai Gilmore

      You should definitely do this. We closed so fast that we weren’t really able to shop around the way we wanted to and as a result, we are now refinancing, which is a huge hassle. It’s worth it to shop around and the mortgage people get that this happens. Honestly, they’ll just try to get your business for the next time around!

      • Pear

        This may not be applicable to your purchase, but I see this often in my competitive housing market. Sellers want to close as quick as possible and will pick contracts based on a quick close. The fastest lender is not always the best priced lender. Refinancing is a hassle but sometimes a necessary evil in order to close on a home.

    • Need to improve

      Call the broker who gave you pre-approval, tell them what rates you got, and ask him or her to match. But don’t feel bad. This is about money.

    • Liz

      No one is going to care about your money more than you do. Good luck shopping around!

    • Pear

      I work in the mortgage industry and there are so, so many variables.

      1. If you are being quoted a low rate, ask if it is a rate the loan officer can lock that day. Loan officers often quote 10 day locks because the pricing is better and thus, rates are lower. If you can’t lock until you’re 20 days into your 30 day escrow, you are subject to the fluctuations in the market. Rates move daily, sometimes multiple times a day, so waiting to lock is definitely a gamble.

      2. As the mortgage broker above said, make sure the loan officer is quoting you based an analysis of your file. I also want to point out that sometimes a credit and income analysis are not sufficient in order to quote a rate. Every file is very unique and even if you have good credit and income, a peculiarity in your file may require you to go to a certain lender. As such, the rate will vary accordingly.

      3. If you are in a very competitive market, with multiple offers, your loan officer’s relationship with realtors and their reputation may play a factor when sellers are reviewing offers. Big banks (Wells, B of A, etc) are known for doing very basic pre-qualifications on borrowers and then the deals die in escrow because the borrowers couldn’t secure the loan. If your loan officer’s reputation for doing solid pre-approvals and closing on time is known in your market, and they played a role in getting your offer accepted, please keep that in mind.

      4. The lender with the lowest rate may not be able to perform on a purchase. This is something else I see often when brokering. The lender offers the lowest rate but is not reliable and you can’t depend on them to close on time. Because of this, your broker may recommend the slightly higher rate at another lender in order to close the loan.

      5. Keep in mind that very few buyers retain their original loan for 30 years. You can often turn around and refi in as little as 6 months (please check with you LO, if you refi too soon after the close, the LO may be subject to a fine).

      Of course, don’t get price gouged just to be nice, but consider the number of factors at play.

  2. Booties vs tall boots

    Ok, so booties have definitely replaced knee high boots, right? I’ve not jumped on the bootie train yet (ha) but want to instead of replacing my worn out black riding boots. Are they really not appropriate for the office? I’m at a biglaw business casual office, management but not an attorney. I was hoping they would be ok in the fall/winter. I mostly wear dresses and skirts. While I’m at it, have lighter wash jeans replaced dark wash? I’m starting to feel really behind the times with some of my basics and I’m only in my 30s.

    • TO Lawyer

      I wear booties to work in the fall under skirts/dresses. I usually stick to plain black ones (so leave the other ones for under jeans). They’re a little more casual than normal pumps but they don’t look too casual and I’ll switch them for a meeting or something. But they’re so comfy. And I love boots generally.

    • KT

      I have thick calves, so booties make me look especially thick and chunky, so tall boots 4 life! I think tall boots are pretty timeless, especially with tights in the Fall/Winter with dresses and skirts.

      The only way I can pull off booties is black ones with a low vamp with black tights–it minimizes it breaking up my legs.

      Also, dark wash is always pretty timeless.

      Worry less about the trends, more about what fits and flatters you and what you like!

      • Anonymous

        Same here- I have bony ankles, but thick calves, and booties seem to emphasize the skinniness of my ankles, and thickness of my calves in the worst way.

    • HSAL

      I don’t wear tall boots, but I don’t mind them. I hate booties. And light wash jeans (unless they’re just jeans that have naturally faded through wear/washing). If they’re what’s in style I don’t mind being behind the times.

      • HSAL

        I should clarify I hate booties with skirts/dresses. What’s hidden by your pants is your business.

    • APP123

      I was just coming here to post the same thing. Also in my (early) 30s and starting to feel totally out of touch with trends/fashion. Sigh.

    • Cat

      I feel like knee-high boots are a classic that happened to get really hot recently – you won’t look Dated wearing them, but you won’t look on-trend anymore.

      For jeans, I’ve decided that one benefit of becoming a 30-something is that I don’t care if cuffed jeans + booties is the trend – it doesn’t flatter my figure or suit my style, which is more polished/preppy, so I’m sitting it out. I’ll keep my straight leg jeans and cute sneakers or pointed-toe flats for weekend wear!

      I do like black, heeled dress booties with black tights for winter at my business casual office.

    • Bonnie

      I still wear knee high boots but wore my booties (Toms desert wedge) more frequently last fall.

      • HSAL

        I’d second this – it wasn’t what I expected, but it was a fascinating, funny read. He really put some effort into it, unlike some random memoirs.

    • Rarara

      Fiction or non? I’m a lit nerd and loved The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenides, The Hours by Michael Cunningham, and Chocolat by Joanne Harris.

    • KinCA

      Books I’ve read & loved lately:
      The Invention of Wings – Sue Monk Kidd
      Half the Sky – Nicholas Kristof (nonfiction)
      It’s What I Do – Lynsey Addario (memoir)
      The Night Circus – Erin Morgenstern
      Dept. of Speculation – Jenny Offill
      The Age of Miracles – Karen Thompson Walker (I think this is technically a “young adult” novel but the premise is SO fascinating)

    • Wanderlust

      I just finished Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel and it was wonderful. Also the Wool trilogy by Hugh Howey.

    • lsw

      It’s really, really sad but I am riveted to Dreamland, about the opiate/heroin crisis in the US.

    • Anonymous

      I recently read and liked China Dolls by Lisa See and The Vacationers by Emma Straub. Neither was life-changing but both were quick, entertaining reads.

      • LilyS

        I read The Vacationers a while ago and found it interesting. Cosigning that recommendation

    • NYNY

      I’m reading A Brief History Of Seven Killings, which is a novel about the 1976 assassination attempt on Bob Marley. I’m maybe 25% in (Kindle readers, holla!), and loving it. Each chapter is told in the first-person voice of different characters with interrelated stories. It’s not a quick read, so if that’s what you’re looking for, keep looking. But it’s fascinating, and really well-written.

      • Constant Reader

        +1
        Learning all the patois is also fun! I also second The Book of Night Women by Marlon James (same author of A Brief History…) it’s about 19th century Jamaican slave plantation and a group of women who plan a slave revolt. But it’s a more touching story of Lilith, the central character in the book, who is caught between both worlds as a mulatto woman. Really good…also has some patois but not as heavy as A Brief History.

        Also recommend A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara…just finished. Amazing!

    • aBcDash

      No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July or Let’s Explore Diabetes with Owls by David Sedaris

    • Boston Legal Eagle

      I just finished Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed and loved it – it’s a compilation of some of her Dear Sugar advice columns.

  5. Petite yet Plus-size, Pear with Pooch

    Anybody else look for new jeans? Are boot-cuts stylish for Fall? I don’t wear skinnies for numerous reasons

    Since I’m losing weight, I’m still at LaneBryant, but I don’t understand the difference between GenusFit and the Tighter Tummy Control. Has anyone tried both and can please explain?

    I’m quite the pear and carry most of my weight in my legs. It’s either boot-cut or straight trouser cut for me.

    • KT

      Seriously, try NYDJ. They are miraculous for my petite plus-sized pear shape. I look 2 sizes smaller, they are superbly comfortable, and they never stretch out like my Lane Bryant ones.

      • lucy stone

        This! They are pretty much the only jeans I wear and are much higher quality than most plus size jeans.

      • AM

        +1000

        I only buy NYDJ for casual pants (jeans and colored pants).
        I’d recommend trying the Marilyn straight ones. They’re definitely not skinny, but not quite as wide on the bottom as bootcut, which I do find are out of style right now.

    • Anonymous

      I’m an apple not a pear but honestly, the INC brand jeans at Macy’s are my favorite and they come in curvy and straight, bootcut, straight leg, skinny, etc. And they come in Plus size with or without tummy control. You have to just be willing to try on until you find the size and cut that work for you. I bought one pair of light wash boyfriend straight and they don’t fit the same as the dark wash boyfriend straight. When I looked online, the light wash said “straight through the hips and thighs” while the dark wash said “slim through the hips and thighs.” Yikes. But when I’ve hit on the ones that work for me, they are great.

    • Jeans for Flat butts? Flap pockets

      Piggybacking on the jeans question.

      I used to buy Hudson since they had flap pockets on many of their jeans. No amount of squatting seems to make my butt look big enough in jeans.

      Sadly, Hudson seems to be moving away from the back flap pockets.

      Any recs from similarly underendowed ‘rettes?

  6. KT

    Any recommendation for ankle boots (for jeans) that are comfy and not clunky? Ideally in the under $150 range? (will go to up to $200 for perfection!)

  7. Alli

    I have used Like Twice for consigning clothes several times and have always been very pleased. I sent in a bag of clothes a couple of weeks ago. This week, I received an email that they are closing (sold the company to eBay) and will not be able to sell my clothes. They will ship them back to me, but they want me to pay $4.95 to get my items back.

    Ok– I know it’s five dollars and I should get over it. But I wouldn’t have sent them the items if I had notice they were closing. I don’t believe I should have to pay that return shipping fee. I emailed them, and they basically said too bad, pay us or we’ll donate your stuff. Is there anything I can do? Can I protest this somehow? The fact that they’re going out of business takes away a lot of my options for recourse. Should I just get over it?

    • DisenchantedinDC

      Pay it on your Amex and contest it? I don’t know if that would work. But that’s just shitty.

    • mascot

      This isn’t a hill worth dying on. Pay the $5 and be happy that you are getting the clothes back. I can think of a dozen legitimate reasons that they didn’t give notice and/or won’t front the return shipping.

      • No one is dying

        The reasons may be legitimate, but they’re not legal. It’s extortion, even if it is just $5. They’re literally holding the items hostage unless you pay the fee. The impact is much more significant since it’s not just one person but every customer who sent in items too close to their shut-down announcement.

        • mascot

          Presumably if they had declined your shipment for not passing their quality standards, you would still have to pay a fee to have your items returned. Other sites like thredup charge a similar fee. While it would be nice gesture of goodwill to refund the fee, I’m still not seeing a legal issue.

          • Twice

            Yes, but they would have had to evaluate and then decline the items, rather than simply refusing to accept due to closing. Sounds like they didn’t perform on their end.

    • Anonymous

      That’s awful. I would be furious too even though it’s a small amount of money. I don’t really have any suggestions beyond trying to get the credit card company to dispute the charge but I just wanted to sympathize.

      • Alli

        Thanks for the solidarity! I’ll probably take Disenchanted’s suggestion and dispute it with the credit card company. But I won’t be happy that I’m getting the clothes back. They’re mine, and we had an agreement! (shakes fist)

        • Anonymous

          I had a box to send to Twice that I planned to mail this week – until I got the email saying they were closing. Does anyone know of a similar site that will pay for (lightly) used clothing up front? Most sites seem to either operate on the consignment model, only take new clothing, or require sellers to post the items themselves.

          • Rogue Banker

            Just a FYI, ThredUp recently changed their pricing model so they’re paying out a LOT less now. As in, $1.50 for Ann Taylor slacks and $.75 for shirts kind of a lot less. Sorely disappointed to have gotten less for my bag of clothes than I spent to get the bag sent to me!

  8. SF in House

    Ugh. Why do companies still charge for shipping? Caphillstyle featured a beautiful dress from Anthorpologie this morning. I found a 20% off coupon, but they still want $15 in shipping.

    • JJ

      Anthropologie is the worst about that. They’ll send out “Free Shipping” promo emails to their Anthro cardholders and I always think “Yay? So for this brief period of time, you’re as good as Zappos, Amazon, and Nordstrom.”

      • Pippit

        I am irritated by Amazon right now. In order to make the free shipping a less convenient option than the basic shipping for which they charge, they seem to just sit on the order for a week, so it will arrive more slowly than any of the pay options.

        • Susie

          Yes I hate this! I cancelled my last order after it hadn’t shipped out after almost a week.

          • Alli

            I’ve had the same problem multiple times recently. I actually switched our baby registry from Amazon to BabyList because of this.

          • August

            I hate that too. The shipment that I received didn’t leave the warehouse one week after I ordered them. Once it was shipped, it arrived the next day because warehouse was from a town 250 miles from my house. I understand they don’t have to ship like prime because I am not paying for it. But they can ship within three days after I place the order. I will definitely think before shopping at Amazon again.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I’m pretty sure that the free shipping sits until there is an open space in a truck. I have Prime, but it’s driving me crazy because the post office never leaves my packages. Even yesterday when I was home all day, they didn’t even ring my buzzer and just left me a slip to pick it up. Amazon was supposed to put my preference for UPS or Fedex on my account, but they still keep using the post office. Amazon is driving me a bit crazy lately but I dont really have a better option.

          I will forever order from Zappos or Nordstrom because of both their customer service and free shipping.

          • Anonymous

            I have this same problem with Prime and the post office. I now have everything sent to my office, which ensures it gets here, but is a little embarrassing as it’s a small office and I order a lot.

            I also live only about 10 minutes from a distribution facility, and they usually don’t ship my items until the morning they’re promised. This doesn’t bother me because I pay for 2 day shipping, not “we’ll ship it ASAP and it gets there when it gets there, but 2 days at the latest.” It’s my recollection that the free shipping gives an estimated date range of arrival, so I don’t really understand the complaint that orders don’t ship immediately as long as the arrive on time. Of course they’re not going to put the package on a snail’s back and send it to you–the reason it takes longer is because your package is the one to get bumped when expedited orders come in. It’s the price of “free.”

          • August

            This problem is new. I never had amazon prime and never had to wait ten days to get a shipment especially when the warehouse was not very far. There are many other retailers who provide free shipping if we spend a specified amount and it never takes more than a week to arrive. Hence the complaint. Amazon’s price for “free” is just too steep and not competetive.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I think you can leave a preference with your post office where you want packages left. There was something on my form when I moved about that. I checked off that they could leave packages on my porch but there were other options like side of garage and stuff. So far I haven’t had anything stolen. I would revisit if I did and for anything really pricey I have it sent to work.

          • Anonymous

            Blonde Lawyer, I have done that w/r/t specifying a delivery preference, but my carrier ignores it. He (I’ve seen him so I’ll use he) also refuses to deliver on Saturdays. He just doesn’t want to have to deliver to individual units, even though the complex is not very spread out, so he dumps everything off at the property manager’s office and makes the property manager do his job for him.

          • Anonymous

            I’ve tried it too and they ignore it. I’m not even convinced the person bothers to bring the packages.

      • anon-oh-no

        that kind-of defeats the purpose of ordering on-line though. I don’t want to go into the store. and if I do, I want to come home with clothes, right then.

          • NYtoCO

            That doesn’t seem to make any sense. Isn’t it way cheaper for companies when people order online rather than over the phone? Why incentivize phone ordering? So weird…

  9. SSa

    What would you wear to “lunchtime yoga”? My company is starting this up next week and it’s going to take place in a conference room. I definitely want to participate but stumped on what to wear. Flyer said “appropriate work or yoga clothes” if that helps…

    • Anonymous

      My office used to have that. It was fun. Bring yoga clothes to work and change into them just for the yoga session.

    • emeralds

      We have 20-minute yoga stretch breaks at my office. People just wear whatever they’re wearing to work. I try to remember to wear pants on the days that yoga’s happening but if I forget, I just make sure I’m backing up to a wall.

    • Katie

      What? Unless you work in a yoga studio, the Venn diagram for “work clothes” and “yoga clothes” are two circles that don’t touch. Who on earth made this flyer? Is there a coordinator you could ask? Do you know other coworkers that are planning on attending? I’d ask them what they’re wearing. Barring that, I’d just bring clothes to change into (yoga pants and a top that won’t slip down and reveal your midsection?).

      • emeralds

        Eh, it really depends on how strenuous and involved the yoga practice will be. One of my colleagues is a yoga teacher and leads people through 15-20 minutes of gentle, standing poses most afternoons. It would be ridiculous to change for that. But of course, YMMV based on your office culture. (And I would also say that if you’re in a yoga class in your office, no one in their right mind is going to be offended if you show an inch or two of midsection if you’re reaching over your head.)

    • Anon

      Betabrand! Kidding, but not. I’d probably bring yoga crops and tshirt, but you could wear any pants you can move around in even if you wore them to work. I’d wear those kinds of clothes and bring a change, so that you can change if others are, too.

      • Ruby

        I have a handful of ‘work appropriate workout clothes’ for times like this. Also business travel situation- seeing diplomats in hotel gym etc. They are looser-fitting, coverage- heavy workout clothes. Not what I wear elsewhere. Not my regular yoga pants but more cozy-movie-night-at-home knit pants. Nike tshirt. etc.

    • SSa

      Thanks for the advice so far. I guess I should add that it’s a 45 min class. I’d normally wear yoga pants and a tank but I’m not sure I’d be comfortable wearing that around my coworkers. The “appropriate” label also threw me off.

      • hoola hoopa

        I would assume that “appropriate” meant appropriate to the activity.

        People wear yoga pants and a tank to a similar activity in my office. No one blinks. If you’re feeling awkward about it, you could wear an oversized top or tunic until you arrive in the room.

      • WestCoast Lawyer

        My office used to do this and pretty much everyone showed up in yoga pants and a tank top. Except for the one guy who showed up in chinos and a short sleeve button down shirt with tons of stuff in his pockets….that all fell out during downward dog.

    • Moonstone

      My office does optional lunchtime yoga with a real yoga teacher. Everyone changes out of work clothes, but into something like a long looser-cut T-shirt and capri leggings. Even people who wear yoga clothes to other offsite classes follow this convention on not wearing really tight clothes in out office.

    • houda

      It depends on what type of yoga you’d be doing.
      My workplace has anti-stress yoga where you focus on breathing and energy flow so most colleagues go in their regular work clothes (assuming they wear pants).
      When it is more of a stretching yoga, I keep whichever top I wore to work and change in black under armour capris

  10. Relationship Advice?

    Thanks in large part to the discussions I’ve seen here, I finally screwed together my courage and saw a psychiatrist this spring to help with the anxiety I’ve been feeling at work. He put me an SSRI and the difference has been truly life-changing. Within a few weeks I realized that I’m still the same outgoing, extroverted person that I was as a child, but the “real me” had been buried under debilitating social anxiety since I hit puberty.

    So now I’m happy, but my newly-rediscovered need for social interaction has become an issue with my husband. He’s a major homebody who has only ever known shy me, who would endlessly plan to sign up for a networking event/go out with friends/invite people over but would then be very easily be talked out of it (because my stomach was busy trying to do the same). I can tell he gets really frustrated that I’m not spending every night on the couch with him and Netflix anymore.

    I invite him to come to things with me whenever it’s appropriate but he usually declines and when he does come he gets sulky and I feel responsible for entertaining him instead of interacting with other people. No kids, not planning on having any, although we have been fighting about dog care. While he never minds that I’m often be home at 8 because I’m working late, he gets snippy and martyrish if I don’t get home until 8 because I grabbed drinks with coworkers, so now I’ve often started stretching the truth about where I’ve been or plan to be. We’re definitely growing apart, which is bumming me out – I adore him but I need more than one person in my social life.

    Any advice from other couples who find themselves mismatched in their desire to stay home? I just hate that my new-found happiness is making him so miserable.

    • Anon

      It saddens me to hear that you’re growing apart while you blossom. Please consider a separate track at counseling for both of you to navigate this change in the relationship dynamic. My extremely extroverted husband was easy to deal with in the beginning of our relationship because his first career of choice required a lot of travel. Then he switched jobs and was home all. the. time. Wanting to talk – AllTheTime. And I am a mildly expressed extrovert in a city that takes out some of my energy (translation: don’t need a lot of people around and prefer small groups at home).

      So one of the best things we did was figure out together how to navigate my loss of personal time and space and his increased need for social time closer to home. Different circumstances than you, but a similar change in personality dynamic and needs. With just a few tweaks and a lot of understanding, we get our quiet and social needs met with little resentment or conflict now.

      • Anon

        Also want to add that part of figuring out how to navigate this was a few counseling sessions. Hence my rec to address this in counseling. Please don’t lie to him or stretch the truth about your plans. He is adjusting to the new you as well, and he is likely a keeper because he knew the old you – a half-version that was held back by a lot of anxiety.

    • Anonymous

      Stop lying to him. That destroys intimacy. Ask him to go to couples counseling with you.

      • Anonymous

        Yes, stop lying! It’s obvious you need to communicate better and you probably both need to work on/change some things, but the lying is a huge red flag.

    • BeenThatGuy

      It’s wonderful that you are finally happy with your re-found social interaction. But remember, you’re the one who’s changed. You are not the person your husband married anymore; that’s why you are growing apart. Give him time to adjust. Get to therapy together.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Weekend Open Thread’s! I love Weekend Open Threads and these booties THAT I can find at NORDSTROM. YAY!

      As for the OP, kudo’s for getting out of your shell, and FOOEY on your husband for trying to keep you an introvert. I was alot like you after law school when I could NOT get a job. Sheketovits did his best NOT to encourage me b/c this way, I would NOT get ahead of him and he subjugated me to being some kind of hand-servant to him–washing, cleaning, cooking, etc., all while he drank and held himself over me b/c he had a job doing ACCOUNTEING for a CPA while I was just serveing subpeenies with a JD from a decent school.

      So he was happy when I did not get anywhere and had to treat him like “King Sh@@it”, literaly, b/c he got so drunk on weekend’s that I had to deal with poopie on the floor of the bathroom. TRIPEL FOOEY!

      But THEN, once I started workeing for the manageing partner, I got back some self esteem and realised that I was being mistreated. I wouLD NO LONGER be forced to clean up his vomit and have him slobber all over the place after soiling my bedroom, all for the privilege of having a Sheketovits in my bed. FOOEY! He realy was NO BARGAN and Margie taught me that I could be fine as a singel girl (even tho she had the manageing partner).

      So my advise is to tell husband that you are a new woman and he can take it or leave it. Yay!!!!!

      • Serena

        I applaud Ellen for her feminism. She should be a role model to professional women everywhere!

    • L in DC

      I’m going to cosign counseling. If you have a mismatch in how much time you each want to spend at home, things will be much easier if you’re both okay with a little more independence in the relationship. My relationship with my ex-husband was similar to what you’re describing — where I would stretch the truth about being at happy hour rather than being at work because otherwise he would massively guilt trip me about not wanting to be home with him. It eventually got pretty bad. Versus now, where I’m again partnered with an introvert, but he is perfectly fine with me spending social time without him.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      This isn’t specific to your situation, but I think would apply to you – one of the most life-changing realizations I have had in dealing with my husband (that has dramatically improved our relationship) is that it is not my job to manage his feelings, particularly his unexpressed feelings.

      So what do I mean? Well, in your case, right now, you’re taking on how he feels about your newfound sociability – he’s snippy and cranky, and it’s bringing you down/affecting your behavior. But it’s not your job to make him not feel snippy and cranky, *especially* if he’s not speaking up about what’s making him feel that way and/or what response he’s looking for from you. You’re not the psychic husband-whisperer – it’s not your job to “read between the lines” or whatever and carry all of the weight of emotions-management for the pair of you. It *is* your job to be honest with him about your needs and wants, and to make a good-faith effort to take into account his expressed needs and wants when you’re making plans, but you don’t have to respond to or accommodate sulking martyrdom.

      Personally, I’d try a conversation along the lines of “I notice you don’t mind if I work until 8 but seem unhappy if I’m at happy hour until 8 – what’s up with that?” or “You said you wanted to come with me to ::socialthing::, but you seemed really unhappy to be there when we were there, what’s the deal?” See what he says – if he’s frank with you about his feelings, and willing to work with you on negotiating this new terrain, carry forth. If he resists the conversation, or turns it into a conversation about what a lousy partner you’ve become, or similar, it’s time for therapy.

      This is a big transition for both of you, and the only way you’re going to get through it is with open, clear communication. Sulking/trying to read between the lines/changing your behavior to “manage” his feelings about it is only going to lead to resentment, which will kill the marriage.

      • Ruby

        it sounds like she knows what’s up with that. he is used to their together time, and wants to be first banana to her, and is unhappy that she’d rather go spend time with others. that question feels like it could come across as a bit disingenuous. I hear what you are saying loud and clear (figure out the feelings and dynamic)- those are excellent points. they both seem to have very valid feelings/reactions to this situation, showing respect for each other is key. (and easier said than done).

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          To me, it read like she’s inferring but hasn’t actually talked to him about it – from my own personal experience, a “reasonable inference” can actually be 100% wrong (even when it seems totally logical), and if she’s responding to the wrong problem, the whole thing will just continue to be a mess.

          I mean sure, it sounds like he’s put out by her increased absence/changed priorities, but another explanation could be that her changed activity level is causing him to have feelings about his own activity level/sociability, or he could be unhappy with a specific person/group she’s spending time with for some reason, or it could have to do with how she’s communicating about her time away (rather than just that she’s taking time away), or it could even just be that he’s annoyed that he has to wait three days to watch the next episode of Bojack Horseman because usually they just binge-watch together – we don’t know, and she doesn’t know, unless they talk. Reacting to what she believes his issue is, without clarification, just isn’t the way to go here.

    • Wildkitten

      I am a big extrovert and my SO is an introvert and one suggestion we were given was to take separate cars to events so he can come home before me (or take a break in the middle). That might be a strategy for you two with your new situation, but I agree that couples counseling will help you find other strategies that work and help you communicate about the new situation.

  11. shopping help needed!

    I feel like I’ve seen lots of posts for help finding the “unicorn bag” and I’m turning to the hive as well. I feel like I’ve been searching forever. I am looking for leather, big enough to fit my laptop (14×9.5) and would love like 6 inches deep as well as I need to carry my office in my bag. Something I can carry over my shoulder, with a zip top, at least two exterior pockets, and a couple interior pockets. I would prefer feet, and I want it to come in non-black and non-brown colors (something interesting please! I wear a lot of black suits, my current bag is a burnt orange and I love it). If I truly can’t find anything leather, I will probably turn to Tumi / L&S / MZ Wallace. The TB ‘Plaque’ tote in the NAS is close but I think a smidge too small. I don’t want the MAB. TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Check ebags. They have a lot of laptop bags and you can choose leather and the size of your laptop.

      • OP

        I’ve actually seen Knomo around and liked some styles, and I’ve found ones that do have exterior pockets. Glad that you think it’s good quality!

    • Anon

      I have a Dagne Dover tote and I can fit my laptop, laptop accessories, other electronics, clutch, and a lot more inside. No exterior pockets, but a lot of interior ones, including a removable one for your water bottle. At first it seemed heavy, but I have gotten used to it and I’m glad I bought it. It’s nice because I can use it both as a laptop bag and as a regular tote.

  12. Aussie academic

    Can anyone recommend things to do in San Antonio? I’ll be travelling there in November for a conference and will have 3-5 days to sightsee. The thing is, I’ve never been to the U.S. before – should I just stay in/around San Antonio or try to see something more of the U.S.? Or is that not enough time to go elsewhere? A friend also suggested doing a day trip to Mexico, but I don’t know that I’d see much in just a day, would have to be pretty much just over the border and back, right? Any suggestions for what to see and do? And is San Antonio easy to get around via public transport?

    • August

      I am not from Texas. However, I was in Austin for around two weeks for work last year around Christmas. Me and my friend did a short trip to San Antonio on Christmas day. It was two hour drive each way. We just did the river walk as we didn’t have much time. So, you can easily go to Austin from San Antonio for a couple of days.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a 2.5hr drive from San Antonio to the closest major border town (Laredo/Nuevo Laredo) and I can’t possibly imagine spending 5 hours in a car for that. A flight to a pretty resort location will eat up more than a day and is not really a trip you’d combine with San Antonio. I’d vote to drive or bus up to Austin as soon as your conference is over, as there’s not much to do in SAT. The Alamo is like Stonehenge…seen it, done, back in the bus.

    • JJ

      San Antonio is close to the Texas Hill Country. There are some vineyards there that are good, and Fredericksburg is a cute little town with fun shops. Eat Mexican food in San Antonio – it’s the best in the country.

    • Anon

      I’m an east coaster temporarily living in Austin at the moment. Compared to major travel destinations, Austin is very small city. The downtown is maybe a dozen or so blocks filled with college bars on one end and yuppie hipster bars on the other. The city quickly descends into strip mall suburbia once you get out of the core. For “culture,” they have the governor’s house and a couple local museums. And if you want to stand in line for barbecue for 6 hours, they have that, too. In short, I don’t think Austin is a must-see for an international tourist.

      New Orleans is an ~8 hour drive or a quick flight and is an AMAZING city unlike anywhere else on earth. It is absolutely worth exploring for however long you can squeeze in.

      Hill Country is pretty, but I’d say it’s not special enough for an international tourist. And Texas in November leaves a lot to be desired aesthetically. Pretty drab and brown. But the weather in New Orleans at that time would be perfect.

      • Anon

        Gosh, this sounds way harsher than I meant it to. (Where’s the edit button?!) Austin’s fine, really. All I was getting at is that it’s more a “bored American wants a weekend away somewhere warm eating chips and salsa” vs “international tourist’s first trip to the U.S.” Go to New Orleans!

        • Anonymous

          Your posts does a good job of pointing out that it might be helpful to know more about OP’s travel interests. I prefer a place that has running trails, great bike routes, hiking, swimming, kayak, paddle, etc., so Austin is still my favorite city in the U.S.

          NOLA, on the other hand, bores me to tears even though I know it is a favorite of a lot of people.

          OP, what are you looking to see?

          • OP

            Thanks for all of the suggestions! I’m definitely more a culture/history/art buff than a hiker or great outdoors kind of person, although I wouldn’t mind biking to get around town. I am a little nervous driving (wrong side of the road for me, and DH can’t come due to work commitments so I’ll be traveling solo). But I’m happy to go to different things than my usual to get a feel for a place. I’ll most likely be flying into the country through LA, or maybe San Francisco, so could tack on a day or two there also.

          • Em

            San Francisco would be more pleasant without a car then LA. It’s lovely there and a great first trip to the U.S. destination. I also second New Orleans.

    • Anonymous

      San Antonio, and Texas in general, is not very good at public transportation so you’ll need a car if you want to go far. The Texas hill country is a good option for outdoor activities like hiking, the weather could still be good in November. For more urban activities, Houston is about 3 hours away and Dallas is a 5 hour drive, both are major cities with lots to do. Austin is ok too, but mostly if you want to go clubs for music or eat bbq/Mexican food.

    • Anon1234

      I can’t remember all of these, but they’re pretty popular, so your concierge should be able to find these with no problem. The Riverwalk is a pedestrian area along the river at the heart of downtown. The cathedral downtown. The Alamo is downtown. Traditional markets are downtown. To visit the Spanish missions, you’ll need a car. There is a historic housing area but I can’t recall the name. There are art museums downtown and along the Riverwalk. There is a bikeshare system that covers much of the city and goes out to at least one of the missions, depending on your degree of physical capability. The Culinary Institute of America has a cooking school and restaurant. There is a botanical garden. There is a zoo next to a large park system. That’s all I can remember off the top of my head. Have fun!

  13. August

    If you want public transportation between the two cities, check if there is amtrak train service between the two cities.

  14. SadeDC

    Well, I never thought I’d be coming to the hive for this, but here goes. I am a non-lawyer and was approached by a recruiter via linkedin about a position at a law firm (policy analyst/subject matter expert). I have to say, I’m curious. What kind of information can you usually get from an exploratory conversation? The name of the firm? The salary range? More in-depth description of responsibilities? The posting as it stands is fairly vague.

    • mascot

      You should be able to get all of that from a recruiter. Before you ask for details, it’s worth asking the recruiter their placement history with that firm and if they are on the approved recruiters list. A recruiter who works regularly with a firm will usually have a good handle on the firm.

  15. Ellen

    This could be OK, or it could be a RUZE. You have to ask yourself if it is what you want to persue. If no, do NOT. If yes, the next question is: Do you have your picture on Linked in? If no, good, but if yes, you then ask:
    Does the recruiter want to talk over the phone or meet you? If phone, maybe, if in person, think Twice b/c he does NOT have to meet you in person initialy. If you have gotten this far, and are still interested, tell him to give you HIS number and you call HIM b/c you do not want to have him calling you when you are at work. You can then call him over the phone, using call # block, and ask whatever you want. Do NOT go meet this guy in person until you are sure after googeling him and his firm, that he is legitamite. If he is legitamite, go with a girlfreind to meet him, but ONLEY in an open place. Lots of guy’s do this to meet pretty women like us.

    My freind, Laura, was in that situeation, and she had to deal with some guy who was a head hunter, but was realy more interested in meeting her socialy. She was already dateing a guy so she did NOT want to have to deal with anonther guy. But he kept bothering her to meet, so she finaly did and she found out all he wanted was to date her, and the so called job was a RUZE. It was lucky she met him in a public place b/c he was VERY persistent. Laura was very pretty at the time so she knew how to deal with guy’s like that. You will have to think long and hard b/f deceiding to meet a guy if all he want’s is to date you. Rembember NOT to lead him on or you could find yourself in a VERY compromiseing position if he knows to much about you. FOOEY!

  16. Anonymous

    Depressed rant ahead.

    I’m a junior associate at a biglaw firm looking for a way out, and I’m feeling so discouraged. I’ve done both litigation and transactional work and haven’t enjoyed either. I’m really struggling to find anything interesting in the law at all. It’s just so hard to honestly care whether Party A needs to follow Standard B or C when performing under Clause D of its contract. I also hate the unpredictable hours, the emphasis on detail work (oh yay! another 60-page brief to carefully cite check and Bluebook!), and the constant stress. I don’t think I’m the next Great Legal Mind by any stretch. Basically, I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a lawyer. But when I look for jobs online, I’m having trouble finding any that will let me get away from these things. I read the job descriptions and just see “More of the Same for Less Pay!!!”

    I have a non-engineering STEM background and had considered going into something like physical therapy or speech language pathology, before family pushed me into choosing law school. Something where at least I could be around people, move around, and get out of the high pressure law firm setting. But the thought of going back to school so soon after I got out is just horrifying. I’m finally saving money and don’t want to just throw all that back into tuition payments. Also, I’m single and don’t have anyone else to rely on financially.

    I realize this sounds so whiny, but I just feel trapped in a job I don’t really enjoy with no real way out. I really don’t know what to do. Commiseration? Ideas?

    • NYtoCO

      I can absolutely commiserate with you. I worked in finance for 4 years, gradually disliking it more and more until I felt desperate. I have also always been interested in the sciences, and I decided to go to nursing. It was the best decision ever! I am so much happier now (I love learning, especially when I’m interested in the subject matter), and I can do so many things after I become an RN– nurse anesthesia is what I’m currently thinking, but could also become any type of NP, researcher, professor, etc.

      I’m not suggesting that you go into nursing, but I do think that you can be SO much happier if you trust your instincts here! There is nothing embarrassing or regrettable about going back to school, no matter when.

      Of course, the money thing will be your one obstacle. We were lucky to be able to go down to just my fiance’s income. I will say, I think if it’s at all doable for you financially, it’s worth being able to do something you love and to get out of a miserable situation. I’m assuming you’re young-ish since you graduated recently– you still have plenty of time to get your finances in order!

    • anon

      Physical therapy is a great career path. Maybe you can try volunteering in a clinic to test the waters? Any physical therapy program would require volunteering as a pre-req, and this might help you decide if it really is worth the switch.

    • Cautionary Tale

      I felt the same way 18 months into my big law job and I ignored it, put my head down, and soldiered on for another 8 years. It gave me financial security and I felt like it was never the right time to consider a career change due to a variety of personal and financial circumstances. I’m now relatively happy at a great in house job, but the truth is that I would have been much happier in a different career, and I regret that I passed up my chance to change fields when I was young and had no family responsibilities. Please don’t make the same mistake — start looking for another job or another career now. You don’t need to leave the law, but consider moving in house, working in government, working for a non-profit, etc. Consider taking a pro bono case at your firm where you represent an individual client — that might be a good way to figure out if you’d like to be in a career where you work closely with individuals, and it can be a way to gain substantive experience to help you transition to another organization. But please try something — if you don’t love big law now, trust me it is not going to get better.

      • Senior Attorney

        Just to give another view, I was miserable as a junior lawyer but stuck it out in the firm for 8 years before switching to a different kind of law job that I just love. I’m really happy I didn’t/couldn’t act on my fantasies of becoming an elementary school teacher or librarian. Sometimes you just have to pay your dues and the payoff will come down the road.

  17. Boston Legal Eagle

    Not sure what year you are, but have you considered looking for an in-house position? With your STEM degree (I’m guessing in a science?) and transactional experience, you might find something you like in tech or pharma. If you feel you are too junior, you should see if you could get more transactional experience at your firm and get away from the litigation side, to put you in a better position to eventually go in-house. If you still don’t like the practice of law at that point, then you could consider going back to school or just switching careers, but I don’t think you should base your decision to switch just on one (extreme) law job in Biglaw.

    In the meantime, try to remind yourself that you’ll soon be rid of your loans (if any) and that this job lets you have some financial security. Try to schedule a vacation when you can, even just a weekend away. You can do this!

  18. Trish

    Are ripped jeans going out of style? I was looking for white skinny ripped jeans but can’t find them in the stores!

  19. Anon-Y

    I am wondering how the rest of the hive deals with juggling various opportunities / recruiters / interviews during a job search – long story short, I was exploring an in-house opportunity with a recruiter (which is still dragging on… sort of) when he mentioned that he might be able to have a word with some of the firms he knew well. I saw no harm in him doing that, so indicated I had no objections.

    A friend then put me in touch with Firm A for an informational interview, which went really, really well. The catch is that the Firm A (for various reasons) can’t hire me immediately but intends to forward me work for the time being, while sorting out how I might be able to come on board. The contact at Firm A has been travelling, but indicated that he would be in touch once he was back. I hope to be in touch with him within the next week or so.

    Recruiter then sets me up with a “chat” with Firm B, which then (according to the recruiter) turns into an interview. The chat went well and now Recruiter wants me to come in for a second interview. I have no issues with Firm B but I am not comfortable with how the recruiter is escalating matters – it is an interesting opportunity but one I would like to mull over. Firm B also indicated that they were not in a hurry.

    I want to delay interviews with Firm B – I think it is only polite to sort out what is happening with Firm A first, and I am more enthusiastic about A – but need to respond to the recruiter in a way that gives me at least a week or two. Any thoughts? Ideas?

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