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Anonon
Thinking of the Palestinian/Arab/Muslim readers in light of the killing of the little boy in Chicago. I know many of my Muslim friends feel like they did post 9/11. Just know that you’re not alone and many of us stand with you.
Anon
As a Jewish woman in America I’m thinking of them too. No one should be the victim of violence due to their race/religion/ethnicity etc. it’s pure hatred.
Anon
Me too. I’m Jewish, my grandparents survived concentration camps and slave labor camps. My grandparents and extended family that survived lived with the trauma and were not ok. My heart breaks for the Jews murdered in Israel, the Palestinian civilians in Gaza, the Ukrainians. The world is frightening and the survivors will not be ok either.
Anon
“Czuba’s wife told detectives that he regularly listens to conservative talk radio and he was very interested in current events, Fitzgerald said.”
“Czuba is an Air Force veteran, having served from 1969 to 1973.”
https://chicago.suntimes.com/crime/2023/10/16/23919242/jospeh-czuba-plainfield-stabbing-palestinian-boy-wadea-al-fayoume-hate-crime
Anon
It’s horrifying, and yes, feels like post-9/11 to me.
The degree to which children have been and are continuing to be victims of this conflict – in Israel and Gaza, and now here, makes me feel an awful sense of despair.
anon
Same. War is terrible in every way, but on a human level, it feels like children should be exempt from actively being harmed.
AIMS
It’s absolutely horrific.
Sax-- 3nda
Hello! I’ve posted a couple of times in the past months asking for anecdata about the recent weight-loss injections. I finally started S@x3nda, a daily injection, about 10 days ago, and wanted to share my positive experience so far.
I took the lowest dose every day for the first week, and have had a couple of days on the next level up dose. I noticed an immediate decrease in my appetite, but more than that, I am amazed at how this has quieted the “food noise” almost completely. I have only come to realize in the past ten days how much mental space I have been devoting to feeling/thinking about being hungry, how long until I can eat, what can I eat that won’t be “bad,” but will also be enjoyable and satiating – all of that mental energy has been freed up. I’m 43 years old and I have never felt like this before. Even if I don’t lose a pound, I will be grateful for this quieting. Now I understand how people can leave food uneaten; how people can keep working on doing their activities, without thinking about what they’re going to eat.
As far as actual weight loss: I haven’t weighed myself, and don’t plan to for a while. However, I can see that I’m losing weight in my face, neck, and upper body. As a STRONG pear, that’s usually where the weight comes off first, anyway. I’m really dedicated to weightlifting, and plan to keep doing that to try to avoid losing muscle and to try to redirect that to fat loss.Only ten days in is certainly not long enough to give a fulsome recommendation, but I’d be happy if I just stayed at this level, to be honest.
Anon
Thank you for sharing!! Did you have trouble getting your doctor to prescribe?
Mounjaro User
I’m glad you’re finding success!
I’m happy to share about my journey on Mounjaro. In the last 51 weeks, I’ve gone from 283lbs to 179lbs. I’m close to my goal weight of 165 but would honestly be fine if I don’t lose anymore weight (for reference I’m 47 and 5ft7in with a muscular build – currently in a size M or 10/12). Mounjaro has helped to damped the “food noise” so I’m not thinking about food all.the.time. It delays gastric emptying so you feel fuller for longer. I’m able to feel satiated eating about 500 calories below my BMR. I also workout 5 days a week (mostly HIIT Peloton classes and weight lifting).
Anonymous
that’s great! others can weigh in but if you’re losing weight you may not want to go up in doses until you need to break a plateau.
i’m on week 7 of a compounded Wegovy – i’m losing super slowly but my husband is amazed at how i can just stop, mid-drink or mid-meal, and say, that was tasty but i’m full, i don’t think i’m going to eat anymore. as he said the other day, “this is different from the entire 15 years i have known you.”
to the OP – did you get saxenda for a good price?
S@x-3nda
For this commenter and the one above: I’m not in the US, so both issue of price and prescription are different. I’m out of pocket, but for much less than I would be in the US.
Anon
Can you just spell the name of what you’re talking about??
Maya
Wow. Just getting all that “food noise” to stop seems worth it, regardless of weight loss.
Anonymous
On compounded Mounjaro here (tirzepatide). Same here with me: how on earth did I live constantly thinking about food 24/7 for the last 20 years?? I’ve lost 30 lbs since the spring (ideally have 12 more lbs to go). It hasn’t been all roses – nausea has been severe, bordering on debilitating, if sugar crosses my lips. even natural sugar, like applesauce. (I don’t think the severity of my sugar reaction is the norm, based on what I’ve read.)
Since it’s been 6 months, I can say that your body does get used to the lower doses and you do need the higher doses to keep the food noise at bay. The past couple weeks, I’ve been sloppy with my doses (going as long as a week between doses), and yes, the food noise does come roaring back! But it’s made me realize how much my eating was brain-driven. I binged on Halloween candy last night for NO reason – I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t want it, but I felt like I NEEDED it. (Yes, I actually opened the candy for trick or treaters. It felt like a compulsion – it wasn’t ME driving the consuming of the candy, but some other entity.) I promptly took my dose this morning and will get back on the train because I love life without food noise and don’t want it back.
Anon
I’m glad it’s working for you! I saw my PCP, got a referral, and waited 10 months to see a weight loss specialist who wants to prescribe Wegovy for me, but that none is available. She said to call back in Nov. So frustrating…I asked her about a compounding pharmacy, but she said the FDA is banning that now? But I see others mentioning compounding.
Anonymous
the obesity association or whatever has said they don’t want doctors to prescribe compounded options, and there are law suits pending from the manufacturers to the compounding pharmacies. the big thing is that the manufacturers say that the compounding pharmacies can’t possibly be making good dupes because they are the only ones with the exact peptides or whatever and they aren’t publicly available. the theory is that compounding pharmacies are using non-FDA-approved research-grade peptides. but the FDA does no oversight to compounding pharmacies; they operate legally.
(despite all this i’m one of the people taking a compounded version; got it from a medspa.)
Anonymous
I am curious if you all using the drugs are paying out of pocket or if insurance is paying. Also, are your doctors indicating this will be something you take forever, or do they plan for you to stop? Or is there some kind of maintenance, like one shot a week, that they think will work.
Anonymous
I’m the compounded tirzepatide user above. I pay out of pocket. It’s $1300 for an 8-ish week supply (my dose is still in flux, so I can’t say for sure how long that amount will last long term).
You can’t stop taking it. You take a maintenance dose for the rest of your life. For the mental peace for me, it’s so worth it. Maintenance is one shot per week. (Active weight loss can be one or two shots per week.)
Ozempic User
Here’s how I think of it: my body is predisposed to be obese. Genetics are a Giant B, as is a raging case of PCOS. Like someone may have diabetes, high blood pressure of any number of medical conditions that require life-long maintenance medication, I also need this maintenance medication for life. From conversations with my doctor, that’s what I understand the intent of the medication to be. I’m also someone who has lost probably 200 lbs in the last 15 years in chunks of 40-50 lbs at a time. If I’m not actively trying to lose, I am gaining – full stop. I’m not morbidly obese – I present as probably just heavier set but still strong/athletic (I run (slow) half marathons!). But, on the BMI scale, I am for certain obese and also borderline prediabetic, so that may be why insurance didn’t question it? not sure. about that fully.
My insurance covered Ozempic for me last summer with zero issues or pushback. I stopped taking it in January as we prepared to go through another IVF cycle. The cycle was successful after four years of trying, and I credit it fully to my almost 40 lb weight loss. I cannot WAIT to get back on it. I’ve never lived with so much mental clarity in my life as I did during that period of time I was on the medication.
FWIW, the medication WAS just one shot per week and it’s a very, very easy shot. Side effects were there, yes, but once I got through the first three weeks, it was easy to anticipate and manage.
11:38 Poster
To be clear, my Qs are just information gathering, not meant to take issue with your decisions. I don’t know if I am interested even though I qualify, esp. as I don’t suffer from “food noise,” but I am certain I will never be able to afford it if it is not covered and lifelong, so I probably don’t need to spend much time even considering it.
Mounjaro User
I pay out of pocket for Mounjaro at $445 per month. The first 8 months I was on it, I paid $25 due to a coupon. The pharmacy I use found another coupon for the last 4 months so I don’t have to pay the full price of $1000 (or something of the like). This drug has only been on the market since July/August 2022 so Dr’s are learning as they go about maintenance. My Endocrinologist has seen that her patients have more success at keeping the weight off with a maintenance dose (lower ml and spreading out every 10-14 days). That said, Eli Lilly has several maintenance drugs in trial right now. It’s really revolutionary to think that those of us that suffer from the disease of obesity have real, long term options for success now. And I say that as someone who has now lost 100 pounds for the 3rd time in my adult life. Frankly, I’m not sure my heart or body can handle the yo-yo again.
Anonymous
I heartily second this. I started semaglutide recently; it was prescribed by a psychiatric nurse practitioner and I order from a compounding pharmacy. It’s so nice to not feel hungry all the time and to not be preoccupied with food. To not have to wonder, do I need to stop eating now? Is everyone else still eating? Am I the last one to stop? To not mindlessly snack after dinner because I’m still hungry but I feel guilty having seconds. And then beat myself up because I snacked more than I should have. To be able to leave fries on the plate. To be free of feeling that I need to eat even though I’m not hungry, and not stop unless I am FULL like thanksgiving.
I’ve been on it for 3 weeks and I’ve lost about 2 lbs. I feel much less bloated, though that could be the fiber gummies and gasX that my prescriber recommended. The downside is that I don’t feel hungry around lunchtime – which I thought would be great because sometimes I’m too busy for lunch but it turns out my body actually needs food midday. I get headachy and an ache between my shoulders then I get grumpy and then nauseas. It’s like I’m in a snickers commercial. I never understood how people forget to eat! But now I make sure to have a bag of almonds or a protein bar with me.
Anon
Can you share the compounding pharmacy and the cost?
Anonymous
The nurse orders for me and then I pick it up from her. I like that she stays on top of it. It’s $275 for 100 units, no insurance.
OP
I’m the OP – So much of this resonated with me. What is shocking to me is that in researching and reading folks’ anecdata I didn’t recognize anyone’s description of “food noise,” because until this past week, I didn’t know that’s what I have experienced my whole life. It has just always been there, the way my hair is brown. Until that went away, I didn’t recognize it for what it was – the last 10 days have been revelatory.
Ozempic User
I posted above and this! this! this! I was SHOCKED to comment to friends how my food noise was gone and they didn’t know what I was talking about. I think only after having it gone I came to realize this wasn’t normal and most people didn’t suffer from it. To me, that was almost more amazing than the weight loss itself.
Anon
Seeking inspirational quotes (and their sources) for a project. Any and all suggestions welcome. TIA.
Anon
Winston Churchill said something to the effect of, “When you’re going through hell, keep going.” I think about this a lot during hard times.
hey it's me
This was on my daily calendar yesterday and I quite like it: “Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat.” – F. Scott Fitzgerald
Anon
I am pessimist and introvert, so this counts as inspirational to me:
“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, was against her better judgment.” Dorothy Parker
Anon
love it
Away Game
“The work of today is the history of tomorrow, and we are its makers.” Juliette Gordon Low
Cat
“I am the one thing in life I can control” (from Wait for It) is one I repeat to myself often. Thanks Lin-Manuel!
Caroline
Ooh let me check my notebook of quotes I used to keep for some generally inspiring ones.
“No one can make your feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
“The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity.” – Amelia Earhart
“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy but because they are hard” – JFK
“She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless she persisted.” – Mitch McConnell (about Elizabeth Warren)
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” – FDR
“Pressure is a privilege.” – Billie Jean King
Anon
“Happiness is a muscle.”
Anon
Life is not a dress rehearsal – attributed to various people on the internet.
I’ve been using this one (since college in the 80s!) to remind myself that I get one life and if I feel stuck in some sort of rut I don’t like – in hindsight, my first marriage – then I need to change it. There are no do-overs.
Lily
A year from now, you’ll wish you had started today.
Seventh Sister
“Round and round he walked, and so learned a very valuable thing: that no emotion is the final one.” Jeannette Winterson, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit.
“If he’s you and you’re him, and you’re him and he’s him, am I still me? Who’s eating this chicken? What the hell is going on?” Red Dwarf.
As I’m slightly (ok, definitely) movie-obsessed, I am more likely to console myself with sticking out my lower lip and saying, “Margot Fonteyn didn’t have great feet” (Center Stage, Rocky for balletomanes) or grumbling that,
“Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world” if I’m trying to do the right thing even if it’s totally irritating in the moment.
Anon
It’s not easy but it’s worth it.
Sasha
“In which I prevail, for a moment, over the feelings which have bound me, and come to realize that no matter how precariously close to the end it may feel, my life has really only just begun.” – Phoebe Gloeckner
This one is a little sillier but has really stuck with me since my teenage years. From a tumblr post: “Instead of toxic positivity, I’m going to start using ominous positivity: You will be okay. You have no choice.”
Anon
I love a martini
Two at the most
After three I’m under the table
After four I’m under the host
Dorothy Parker
Bean74
“If it wasn’t hard everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.”
-Jimmy Dugan
KS IT Chick
Keep your heels, head and standards high. — Coco Chanel
Gail the Goldfish
“Some of it’s magic and some of it’s tragic, but I’ve had a good life all the way.” -Jimmy Buffett. I don’t know if it’s inspirational per se, but it’s one of my favorites.
Anon
This looks like something Fraulein Maria made.
anon
Oh I love it.
Anon
Sadly, this is the hill I keep returning to die on. I love items that are likely made from remnants from an upholstery or drapery shop. They are full of texture, often brocades, often with some sparkle. I know, I KNOW. And yet, here I am.
Also question from my spotty memory: Scarlet O’Hara did it first?
Anon
She did!
Anon
What are your most comfortable flats or loafers? Every few months or so I have a work event that requires hours of standing on concrete floors while wearing a suit. I have plenty of work appropriate shoes that are comfortable enough but not quite formal enough for these events.
anon
Vivaia shoes are incredibly cushy. They are advertised for wide feet and bunions, neither of which I have, but when I read about their arch support, I bought them immediately. Recommend unreservedly.
Anon
I like the concept of these, but I think they’re a little too casual for my needs.
Anon
Counterpoint, those are the worst shoes I’ve ever ordered. Plastic, made oddly, unfinished insides led to odd blisters. Hard pass.
Anon
Dansko hands down, but not the clogs of course. I have a few different oxfords and loafers that they’ve made over the years that aren’t bad looking. They don’t always have decent-looking shoes available so when I see them I snap them up.
PolyD
They’re not loafers, but I have a couple of pairs of oxfords from Clarks that have rubber bottoms and are very comfortable. Plus you can adjust the laces so your foot doesn’t slide around.
A.
I’m here to say similar: my best work shoes are Cole Haan oxfords in a metallic silver. Not sure if those are formal enough for you.
Anon
I have some Solovair loafers. Technically, these are men’s shoes. I have duck feet, so they work for me. KEY THING: they have rubber soles (but sort of cool looking, not harsh black), which is why I can wear them to events where I stand on a hard floor. I got compliments from my 20-ish colleagues after a client event last week, which I found shocking.
Anonymous
Mine are from French Sole New York.
Anon
I have a pair of pre-pandemic Miz Mooz loafers that are my go-to for situations like this (and every day, really, because they are just so polished and comfortable).
Anonymous
I have the Trotters Harlowe in luggage tan to wear with casual outfits and they are so comfortable. All hail the brands for seniors ha!
Anonymous
https://www.trotters.com/product/Harlowe
Anonymous
There’s a version with tassles that reads a little dressier if that’s your thing. https://www.zappos.com/p/trotters-hope-black/product/9612899/color/3
Acorns
Oh I like both of these!
anon
My go to brand for that is vionic. They have some oxfords and Loafers I can stand long periods of time in.
Anonymous
+ vionics
Anonymous
Are you walking a lot or just standing? Birdies are super comfortable for standing, because there’s so much cushioning in the sole. But I find they’re less good for walking and being on the move.
Anonymous
Softwalk is my go-to since I wear a lot of dresses, and loafers would look clunky (also their flats are a dream to pack),
Anon
Aquatalia. They are worth the money. I have a lugged sole pair that I walked all over Helisinki in (and their shoes are waterproof which was awesome when you are packing for conferences) and a more “refined” pair that are very comfortable to wear hours on end that I have had for at least five years and they still look new.
Anon
Marc Joseph. Made in Brazil. GREAT quality. So forking comfy and they look really sharp and classy.
Mine are bright pink fake snakeskin print (real leather). Iget so many compliments!!!
Anon
I have a Charles by Charles David pair of loafers and a Tory Burch pair and they’re both amazing. They go with casual and formal professional wear, and are really comfortable – I can wear them for walking days in the city and conferences.
A
Tods
Anon
For you attorneys out there – can you help me understand the limits of free speech? I understand that people can and should be allowed to share their opinions. Can a hotel decide it is not interested in hosting a conference for a white nationalist group due to its ideology? Can a University fire a professor for saying it was “exhilarated” by Hamas’ attacks? At what point does free speech become hate speech and while I understand and agree that no one should be prosecuted or jailed or anything like for what they say (i believe this is fundamental here), can non government organizations/corporations take action?
Anon
Some general principles:
– The constitution applies to government actors only. So the first amendment protects speech from restriction (before the speech happens) or punishment (after the speech happens). The first amendment does not protect speech from restriction or punishment by non-government actors.
– Government actors includes federal, state and local agencies, including public schools and universities. It does not include private individuals, companies or schools.
– The first amendment protects a lot of speech, including vulgarity, hate speech and conduct that expresses an idea (burning flags).
– The first amendment does not protect speech that is itself a crime (think “put the money in the bag” during a bank robbery), that is defamation, that is a threat of violence, that is harassment, that is obscene (not simply pornographic).
There are many more nuances, but these are some important basics.
Anon
So the first amendment protects speech from restriction (before the speech happens) or punishment (after the speech happens) *by the government.*
hey it's me
+1 I think this is the biggest thing misunderstood about the First Amendment, in particular with social media. People have no first amendment rights with Zuckerberg; he’s not infringing on anything if he kicks you off.
Anon
If he does it at the behest of any arm of the government, that’s a different story.
Anonymous
There are different rules for truly private institutions and those that receive government funds. Most universities receive government funds for research.
Anon
so if I work at a private university and in the wake of George FLoyd’s murder had said “I feel exhilarated by Derek Chauvin’s actions. He helped rid the country of another bad apple” [for the record, I most certainly do not think this], I could be fired? or I couldn’t be because my university receives government funds for research?
Anon
I think you could be fired. I’ve never heard that receiving some govt funds qualifies you as a govt actor.
Anon
You could be fired. I used to do Section 1983 litigation defense for a public university. Private universities are not subject to the same law, although most universities want their faculty to have some academic freedom and have policies in place to protect freedom of speech for staff and especially faculty. I doubt a private university would fire someone for saying they were exhilarated by the Hamas attacks, especially if the statement wasn’t made in class.
Anon
This is inaccurate. Most universities have students and faculty who receive government funds, but a private university itself does not. There might be state laws that protect employee free speech rights at private universities (I think California has one?), but Section 1983, which is the normal enforcement mechanism at public institutions, doesn’t.
Anon
Government research grants don’t go to faculty, they go to the university. It’s would be unusual for a private university to get no federal funding.
Anon
No they normally follow the faculty member, and can go with the faculty if they change institutions.
Anon
https://deanclancy.com/a-list-of-colleges-that-dont-take-federal-money/
This is the list of schools I found that that won’t take any government money, mostly so they can discriminate for religious reasons. This includes financial aid, but most other universities end up getting at least some small grants sometimes, unless they have deliberately decided not to, like these schools.
Anon
But regardless, getting federal funding isn’t the test for free speech. Employees at private institutions don’t have a right to free speech in the absence of a state law or a university policy.
Anon
They can follow the faculty member, but they’re always awarded to the institution. I’m a faculty member so I’m very, very aware of this!
Anon
It sounds from this link like universities that accept federal funding directly to their students and faculty can’t discriminate. It’s a different standard for free speech. There’s no federal law that creates free speech rights for employees of private institutions, even if their students and faculty are partially federally funded.
There may be some exceptions, but most government research grants are definitely awarded directly to a faculty PI. The university gets some money associated with it (overhead) but the faculty member is in charge of the grant and can take it with them if they move to a new institution. I know people who’ve moved $10M grants to a new institution.
PolyD
Government research money goes to the institution. It usually follows the researcher if they change institutions, but there is a process and the institution they are leaving has to formally relinquish the funds and allow the transfer.
This is a thing I know.
Anon
https://nexus.od.nih.gov/all/2018/05/29/waitits-not-my-grant/
Anon
Also – since you asked about hate speech, generally speaking that is not illegal on the US. It is in some other countries, but unless it qualifies as incitement to crime or a direct threat of violence against specific, identifiable people/groups (both high bars), it’s constitutionally protected here.
Anon
+1 even many lawyers don’t understand this!
Anonymous
Agree with above. Also I think lay people get confused about what classes of people are protected from discrimination by private businesses. I can’t refuse to do business with someone or fire someone because they’re black. But you have a much wider latitude to fire or refuse to do business with someone based on their words and actions.
Anon
Generally a non-government actor can take whatever action it wants.
A hotel can decline to host a white nationalist group.
For the university, it depends on public vs private. Harvard can fire a professor for saying it was exhilarated by the attacks, Michigan probably can’t. Although there are some limits even at public universities. To be protected, the speech has to be on a matter of public concern and has to be outside the scope of employment duties. So if a professor is making these statements in class, especially a class where Middle East politics is on the syllabus, it gets blurrier. And you have to weigh the employee’s free speech rights against the employer’s right to an efficient, disruption-free workplace, so something targeting individual Jewish or Muslim students or employees (like what happened at Stanford a few days ago) likely wouldn’t be ok.
Section 1983 cases (which includes government employee free speech cases) are super interesting and often very complicated.
Anon
*caveat to my first sentence: whatever non-discriminatory action it wants. As someone pointed out above, even a private actor can’t discriminate against a protected class. So a hotel can’t decline to host a group of Black or white people, because that’s race-based discrimination. But they can decline to host a BLM or white nationalist group because that’s based on their views, not their race.
Anon
I always think of it in simple terms – you can say what you want and not get thrown in jail, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be consequences of your speech.
Anon
Also, unless you’re in a union, most states are right to work (read: right to get fired). You can be fired for any reason (protected classes aside) if your employer doesn’t like what you have to say. I could show up to work tomorrow and be told it’s my last day, for no reason at all, just because my employer made that decision.
I think about this when reading criticisms of “cancel culture”, of people losing their jobs related to Jan. 6th or the like. These are the same voters who have consistently voted for weaker employee protections.
Anonymous
The part of this I find people have more trouble with us that you can be fired for no reason but also for a bad reason, like your boss doesn’t like you for reasons unrelated to your membership in a protected class or because she thinks the color pink you choose is unbecoming or because he thinks you live too far away from the office.
anon
“right to work” refers to state laws that allow people to decline to participate in a union that has already been established at their workplace. “at will” refers to a employer or employee’s legal ability to terminate the employment for any or no reason, as long as it’s not an unlawful reason.
Anon
Is “right to work” the same thing as “at-will”?
Of Counsel
No they are not the same thing at all.
At-will employment (which is standard in the US) means that absent a contract (including a union contract), your private employer can fire you for any reason not prohibited by law. It does not have to be a “good” reason.
“Right to work” is an anti-union law that states that no employee can be required as a term of employment to join a union or pay union dues.
Runcible Spoon
Related Question: How does tenure for a university professor figure into this analysis?
Anon
It’s easier to fire a staff member or untenured professor, but it’s not impossible to fire a tenured professor. It usually just involves more administrative procedure and takes longer.
Anon
Tenure is a contractual relationship, such that the standards for termination become much higher.
Credit Monitoring Service
My information was caught up in a security breach. I was offered free monitoring through IDX but the reviews are not good—continued credit card charges, unable to reach customer service, etc. Can anyone recommend a credit monitoring service they feel good about? I suppose I should also freeze my credit as well. Other thoughts?
Anon
I’ve never bothered. It happens all the time. I get new cards if my credit card is actually compromised.
Cat
I just keep my credit frozen all the time.
OP
Seems like the most straightforward solution. I just try this. Thanks.
Acorns
+1
Anon
Freezing your credit is relatively easy and is helpful – I don’t know if anything else is really needed.
Anon
Meant to add, about 10-12 years ago I fell victim to phishing while half asleep and gave out my SSN and birth date to a presumed hacker. I did freeze my credit and signed up for free monitoring through my employer. Nothing ever happened – no one applied for credit in my name or anything remotely similar. So I admit I might be blase about this, even though my information could still be out there.
OP
Good point!
My Useless 2cents, sorry
I feel like we’ve reached a post-security-credit situation where no credit monitoring services are good. And then the credit monitors get hacked and you’re back to square one. I’m a credit security nihilist: what’s the point.
Anon
I’m a frozen credit nihlist and I agree.
NYC
Keep your credit frozen all the time. But also, keep an eye there’s no fraud with IRS. My husband and I both had our e-returns rejected last year because someone else had filed as us. Was a huge hassle to correct.
Anon
I also had that a few years ago. If you name a kind of identity theft I’ve had it. Including registering as a federal identity theft victim and receiving updates about one perpetrator who was caught and went to federal prison.
anon
Random thought on my way in – how often do you wear second hand (thrift, vintage, consignment, etc) clothing? For leisure and workwear and exercise?
I’ll go first: for non-undergarments/socks, my ratio is about 50/50 new to second hand. Today at work I have a vintage skirt and 3rd piece, and a new basic tshirt. Shoes are new, and I rearely am successful with second hand shoes.
Anon
I’m similarly 50-50 with clothes I bought new and clothes I thrifted. I wear thrifted clothes for work, weekends and working out.
anon
I don’t wear secondhand at all. The secondhand market in my small city is pretty dreadful, and it’s hard enough for me to find brand-new clothing that fits me correctly. So I stopped trying a LONG time ago.
Anon
Interesting. I have an easier time with secondhand, because I look for certain brands and styles whose fit I’m already familiar with.
To answer the original question, a solid third at least of my clothes are secondhand, and if you count as vintage stuff that I purchased new but have had since the 90s/early 2000s, I’m probably over half.
Anon
Yeah, the thrift shops here are a nightmare of cheap outdated junk.
anon
Yup. And I don’t have the patience to trawl for treasures on online sites, with no guarantee that they’re actually the same thing I’ve bought previously. I do feel somewhat guilty about never buying used, but it has never been worth the time or hassle. Instead, I try really hard to be mindful about my clothing purchases and use what I have.
Anon
My local thrift stores are wall to wall old navy and target brands. I am not sure where all the higher end brand stuff I donate is going but I’m yet to see any of it on the racks.
That said, I regard ebay as a thrift store with much greater reach. So if I’m looking for,say, a specific Eileen Fisher jacket in a specific color in my specific size, I can find it on ebay in a heartbeat. I don’t see the point of trying to parse through rack after rack of thrift store junk to try to find a needle in a haystack. eBay is full of listings by people who have done exactly that, and I’m extremely happy to pay them an extra $10 to $20 for their efforts!
Anonymous
I think the thrift stores sort out the good stuff and send it to specialty boutiques or sell it on line.
Anon
And yet, people here think it’s totally fine to buy the mall brand sweater in every color because they’ll just donate it once they’ve worn it once or twice. Nobody likes to put two and two together that other people don’t want your used, low-quality clothes either and maybe we should all stop buying so much of them.
Seventh Sister
I live in a big city and our secondhand market isn’t great either. A lot of it is really expensive and/or in sizes that don’t work for me. Frankly, I just don’t have the time to pick through the local stores, and a lot of it is picked over before it hits the racks. My luck is much, much better in small towns and cities.
Cb
Oh I wish I was better about this. I volunteer with a zero-waste org that does clothing swaps as well as a big annual town sale but I’m picky and cusp size (12/14) and never find anything I love. I’m better with homewares- I’ll check charity shops first (UK charity shops are miles better than the US), freecycle, etc.
anon
Oh man, the charity shops in the UK are wild (in a good way). Wish we had that culture in Canada. In my big city the only real player in the “thrift” game is Value Village, which is for profit, not cheap, has gotten rid of dressing rooms, etc. etc. and I hate it, but I still shop there….
Cb
Right? So nice and curated, often with nice window displays. When my mom visits our little town, she’ll go to her favourite coffee shop and then spend the morning wandering the charity shops. It’s a total normal thing for middle class people to do.
Anonymous
I’d say about 85% of my wardrobe is second hand. I buy socks, undergarments, band shirts, and leggings new but that’s it. I really struggled with giving myself the OK to buy band shirts as I don’t agree with the manufacturing, but I have decided we all get an immoral vice or two. Currently wft in sweatpants and a band shirt.
hey it's me
50/50 for daily main clothes (pants, skirts, dresses, jeans, sweaters). Today I’m wearing bought-new jeans and a thrift store fifty cent turtleneck sweater that is like new.
I don’t buy any undergarments, socks, or shoes secondhand. I rarely will buy an exercise tank secondhand, but most of my leisure/exercise clothes are new.
Anon
I love antique furniture, paintings, pottery, home items and jewelry and have tons of that. Clothing grosses me out second hand. So none other than my own once new and now vintage pieces I’ve kept over time.
No Face
Shoes and undergarments are 100% new. Everything else is 90% secondhand.
There is a large but selective thrift store in my area so I don’t have to spend time hunting through nonsense. I love Poshmark now too.
Anon
Same! And I get it from Poshmark and therealreal, and sometimes ebay – I’m uninterested in slogging through racks of discarded Old Navy jeans.
Anon
Same. I do a lot on ThredUp – currently wearing Paige jeans and a Theory suit jacket and carrying a kate spade bag I got there looking new and for a steal. I pretty only buy new if it’s an undergarment, pajamas, or the occasional special gift to myself (got a new tweed dress when I started my new academia job in August…and for the same price a handful of designer secondhand suits too!).
Anon
I have some bonkers finds from Ebay and Posh (like Akris level bonkers) and one local Akris find that kicked off the addiction. But in my city, thrifting is good for kids clothes but not for adult items except for crap from Shein. If you are a man or a larger / tall woman, there is just not enough stuff out there for you. If you are a woman 4-6-8, you have volume but not for stuff most of us would want.
Anonymous
I don’t shop second hand at all because I’ve never had any luck finding items that fit. I’m tall, broad shouldered and at the high end of straight sizes, so the vast majority of clothes (new or used) don’t fit me. Given all of the fit issues, I’ve never gotten any pleasure out of vintage shopping, so it’s not worth the time for me.
An.On.
Today it’s 50/50 for me: suit jacket and shoes are second hand, pants and shirt were bought new. I buy more work clothes second hand than anything else, partly (1) because I wear them more often so I need more of them in my wardrobe, (2) because they’re expensive new, and (3) I can target specific items for replacement which makes shopping less risky, since I know I’ll get use out of it. I bought all my maternity stuff used, and just started buying swimwear used this year. I’ve never bought workout gear used (nothing against it, just can never seem to find good stuff). We only have one used clothing store in my town, so I shop online more than I’d like.
Anonymous
0 percent second hand.
NYCer
Same.
Acorns
Same. I wish I was better about this but I never have any luck at thrift stores. My sisters are amazing – they’ll go in with $10 and come out with six outfits. Alas I do not have their eye or luck.
Anon
I’m 5’2″ and wear an XS/0, only wear black and a few other neutrals, mostly natural fibers, and can probably count on one hand how many times I’ve found something that I liked AND fit at a thrift shop. I’ve gotten a few party dresses at consignment stores. I’ve had better luck with MM Lafleur’s used clothing site, where I am already familiar with the quality and sizing and am looking to replace or duplicate something I already own (Etsuko dress, Mejia pants).
I can sew a bit and when I was younger and broke (15+ years ago), I would buy things from thrift stores and alter them, but I don’t have the time or inclination to do that now. Back then the items in thrift stores were better quality too — I remember getting banana republic pants — wool and lined — for $10 and taking them in. I also once lucked out with a $40 theory suit where the jacket fit me and I had to take in the skirt and shorten the jacket sleeves. I wore it to all my interviews in law school.
GCA
Undergarments & socks are 100% new. Workout clothing – 90%. Shoes – 80% (I go through a couple of pairs of running shoes a year and need to get those new, but they don’t need to be the latest model – just new enough for the rubber and foam not to have degraded.)
Everything else, 20% new / 80% secondhand. I’m not a big shopper but when I am on the market for something I look to eBay and Poshmark first. I have two kids, a full time job and no time to go wandering around thrift stores!
Anonymous
I WFH except when I have to be with clients, and that involves dresses and blazers. When I find a good dress or blazer, if it’s available, I’ll buy multiple colors (but never at full price, I’m emotionally opposed ;) ). I have ongoing alerts for fave pieces on ebay and Mercari, and stalk Poshmark when I have time. (Poshmark’s interface leaves so much to be desired IMO.) So yes, I regularly wear second-hand dry clean only items.
Anonymous
I have a fairly easy time finding vintage occasionwear second hand, much less so for everyday workwear.
Currently less than five percent of my wardobe is second hand. About half of the items I’ve purchased the last six months have been second hand, though, so it’s gradually changing.
Have zero plans of buying second hand shoes or underwear.
Anon
90% of my pants and maybe 50% of my sweaters are from eBay or Mercari. I also have a few blouses from those sites, maybe 20% of my blouse/shirt wardrobe.
I don’t buy shoes second hand unless they’re new in box so while I do have a few pairs I bought from resellers, I would say they’re not secondhand. I don’t buy lingerie, knit tops like tees, pajamas or socks secondhand.
Anon
I never buy secondhand, but I’ll wear freebies from family gladly. I’ve gotten vintage wool sweaters, hiking shorts, a quilted Barbour jacket from the 90s, ski clothes, and other good items that way. I simply hate shopping and the thought of trawling the overcrowded racks at our local thrift stores gives me palpitations. However, some of the outdoor stores I like (REI, Patagonia) have used gear sections of their websites now and I’m planning to check those out next time I need anything.
Anonymous
It’s a smaller part of my wardrobe than it used to be. There was a time when jcrew fit me very predictably and I bought a bunch on posh mark. It was low stakes if it didn’t work out, even if I couldn’t return it. I’m not proud but the reality is I’m never going to go through the effort of reselling a shirt I paid less than 30 dollars for. Now that I’ve gained significant weight I prefer to buy new and return liberally because what I like to wear is less predictable. Also, I need to be super diligent about hunting for great basics as I’m essentially rebuilding my wardrobe frequently as the weight drops. So I really can’t afford to waste time and resources on things that can’t be easily returned if they’re just ok. I’ve also gotten really good at making sure my closet is full of slam dunk awesome pieces so i can’t kid myself into letting just ok hang around anymore.
Anonie
I’m incorporating much more secondhand clothing into my wardrobe now. I’d say 25% of my tops are secondhand, and 50% of my “third pieces”, as well as a few random dresses. For my kids, probably 75-80% of their clothes are secondhand (and thus quickly discarded once they are faded/damaged)!
Acorns
Kid’s clothes are a whole different ballgame. I posted above about my sisters – one has been able to thrift about 90% of her son’s clothes. She even found little Gucci sneakers for him!
Anonymous
Zero secondhand/vintage
I have enough trouble finding things new and almost never shop for anything in person except groceries.
I have purchased a bag and home items new with tags from eBay and the like
Fresh out of college, slender, and working a nonprofit job on a right budget, I went to Salvation Army when my boss told me to “get a winter coat” and found a beautiful camel hair coat plus a funky vintage 70s jacket. But never since.
Anonymous
Poshmark allows you to filter for NWT items only. I do this especially for stuff I grab for my tween who is fussy about secondhand.
Anonymous
For me, 90% of my wardrobe is secondhand, 10% new. The 10% is undergarments and the random thing I can’t find secondhand.
I seriously benefit from the people who buy new, wear a few times, and then donate, and I’ve made some really nice scores over the years. I have had luck with shoes, but not often because I am very picky, so most of those are new…
Anony
This is me also. I rarely, if ever buy actual new clothes, excluding bras, underwear, and socks. I’m wearing a secondhand Anine Bing sweatshirt (probably 10th hand actually since it’s a RTR cast-off purchased from ThredUp) and secondhand Lululemon leggings today. I buy all my clothes from ThredUp, Poshmark, and Mercari.
When I get bored with an item, I sell it on one of those 3 platforms and buy something else. My wardrobe consistently revolves and I love it; I love buying used and reselling. I try really hard to keep my clothing in good enough shape so that I can find it a new home once I’m done with it.
Hellooooooooo
Same here!
Anonymous
For work I use Poshmark for NWT stuff or slightly nicer non NWT items like Theory/Reiss/vintage JCrew etc. Also for outdoor seasonal stuff like ski coats or beach bags etc. Usually know what size to buy and will tailor as needed. Do not do secondhand luxury because I don’t want to waste time stressing about if authentic or not.
For casual/athletic I prefer to try on and there’s no way I’m getting something tailored if it doesn’t fit.
Small city so vintage/secondhand shops are not great.
All new for undies/tights/bras/swim.
oldladylawyer
I am 48 years old and not sure if it’s age or tamoxifen or what but i lose a lot of hair. I had been taking an amazing vitamin from Terry that i thought really helped and it, unfortunately, seems to have been discontinued. Does anyone use a supplement or vitamin that they recommend?
Anon
I’ve posted about my hair loss struggles here before. Supplements, for the most part, are a waste of money; if you really want to try one, I would buy a cheap hair-skin-nails vitamin with biotin and see if you get the same result that you had with the other vitamin you were taking. Nutrafol and Viviscal are expensive and there’s not much those will be able to do if you have something like androgenetic alopecia. See a dermatologist and figure out if the hair loss is hormonally-driven (it is for a lot of us in our late 40s) or if something else is going on. Then, the only thing that works to retain the hair you have and help slightly with regrowth of what you have lost is minoxidil. It’s worked wonders for me – much more effective than any shampoo, hair serum, vitamin, etc. that I tried. I would likely be in a wig if I hadn’t gotten on minoxidil. You can get the generic brand from Costco or an online retailer fairly inexpensively. Yes, once you start it, you have to stay on it, but I’d rather put a few drops on my hairline every night before bed than deal with wigs.
Anon
Warning, minoxidil is toxic to cats. My sister’s cat almost died and required $4K of emergency vet bills when it was exposed to minoxidil, likely from my sister’s pillow case.
My sister, brother, dad, and I all have genetic hair loss. I would love to use minoxidil but also have 2 cats. I often resort to using a human hair “topper” (like a mini wig that clips on the crown). I’ve tried so many formulations of biotin, and nothing works.
Anon
I’m a dog person. So no worries there.
Anon
It’s also toxic to dogs.
anon
Oral minoxidil is also effective for hair loss if you don’t want to mess with the topical solution. It’s an old, cheap, generic, widely-available blood pressure medication, but the doses needed for hair loss are much lower than the doses for treating hypertension, so side effects tend to be minimal. There was a nytimes article about this relatively recently, should be easy to find if you search.
As a bonus, oral minoxidil should not be toxic to your cat unless your cat can open child-proof prescription bottles. ;)
hey it's me
Second hand – my best friend is pretty good at being skeptical of supplements and likes to try them for a while anyway. She’s taking magnesium right now and swears a bunch of baby hair is the result of it.
Anon
If the underlying problem is a deficiency (e.g. iron or B vitamins), supplements can work wonders. I understand they’re not going to work if that wasn’t the underlying problem, but I see no reason to think you were imagining things.
I take Proferrin Clear for iron (with doctor’s supervision since iron can be overdosed and needs to be followed with labs) and a B complex (also on my doctor’s recommendation; I like Thorne Basic Bs because my stomach is sensitive).
Vitamin deficiencies in general should be followed by a doctor because they can be the first sign of an underlying condition (if vitamins do work, the question becomes why were we deficient in the first place? It can be poor diet, but it can also be lowering stomach acid levels, or even a condition as serious as Celiac or IBD, so it’s risky to let the fact that vitamins are OTC lead to self-treating).
Anon
Viviscal is popular. I don’t know how well it works, but I know a couple people that have taken it after cancer treatment.
Elder care
my MIL was recently diagnosed with early stage Alzheimer’s. She is in her mid 70s and otherwise in good health. Given her family history, it’s expected that she lives for another 10+ years.
She is moderately resourced for retirement and her husband passed away. She is in the suburbs of a HCOL city in the NE. She currently lives alone in a fully paid off large house.
How should i start thinking about managing her resources to ensure that she has good quality of care?
We are able to assist somewhat financially but have young children and retirement concerns so cannot fully pick up the cost of a care facility.
Anon
A fully paid off house is the godsend here. When it’s time for her to go to assisted living, you sell the house and use the proceeds to pay for it.
anon
Exactly what I was thinking.
Elder care
Yes, a fully paid off house is helpful here but I am worried given the cost of quality memory care she will quickly exhaust her resources.
The best facility in this area which is where her preference would be runs at about $150-200k a year. I am worried that if she needed care for 8 or years she would exhaust her resources.
We are in the position to help somewhat but cannot assume all of this cost. Our state has some of the strongest filial responsibility laws in the country so I am also worried about future obligations were we to start contributing to care.
Seventh Sister
Some assisted living places have a “buy-in” price where you pay a large fee up front and then monthly fees, but they then keep you for the rest of your life even if your money runs out. One of my grandparents was in one and didn’t run out of money, the other one did since she lived to be 100+. In the latter case, my parents were asked to pay the balance for her care, but didn’t end up paying the entire balance (they are retired themselves and live in a state that has filial responsibility laws but not strong ones).
Trixie
wow–I live in Massachusetts, and I don’t think there are any filial responsibility laws. What are some states that have filial responsibility laws? And what are the requirements? I think this is a bit crazy…or is it just me?
My mother had sufficient funds to pay for here care, so maybe I am just not familiar with this.
Anonymous
Pennsylvania has the one that has most frequently and aggressively enforced. You have to be estranged for like 10 years not to be responsible for your parents care if they go after you.
Anon
Also surprised to learn of this concept, and thinking it is bananas!
Anon
It helps, but she’s very likely to need way more money than the value of the house, unless the house is obscenely expensive. Memory care can be hundreds of thousands of dollars per year, and people can easily live 10-20 years with it.
Anon
I’m paying for it right now and yes, it’s expensive but a fully paid off house in a HCOL area probably covers all of it and then some. It is expensive but it’s all-in, all inclusive. So it’s an easy to project fixed cost. You sell a house and pretty easily fund 10–15 years. Plus, OPs MIL also has retirement savings, she’ll be fine. It’s also pretty rare to live more than 10 years once dementia sets in.
Anon
PPS – if MIL also has social security, that is a big offset as well.
Elder care
Can you give me a ballpark cost?
I called the facility near us that is very nice and it seems to be $150k – 200k ish a year.
She has about $1.5 to 2 million (including her house) and gets about $50k a year in SS.
I am worried that she will run out of money.
We can help close some gaps but am worried about doing so since our state has extremely strong filial responsibility laws.
Elder Care
Can you give me a sense of the expense and where in the country you are?
I am the “money” person in the family and I am worried about managing her funds in the best way possible for her.
Anonymous
Keep in mind that there is a spectrum of care (and cost) at facilities. She may not need full on nursing and memory care now, so perhaps you can make do with a home health aid coming in for a few hours/day, and possibly supplemented by you/DH. You’ll want to do basic safety things like remove knobs from the stove, ensure she doesn’t have keys to the car, etc. as her memory becomes more impaired.
When you get to the point where she needs 24 hour care/supervision you need to get her in a facility. You are right that $1.5M is not enough for 20 years of full time memory care, at least not in a good place so you’ll have to decide what you can take on/supplement and what kind of care you are willing to let her receive.
My grandmother is 96 was mercifully pretty independent until the last 7 or so years. Since she was mid 80s she had a home health aid for things like meds and showers. Her kids would drop by to visit and have a meal/bring made meals so she didn’t have to cook. She moved into an assisted living facility at 90 and this year moved into the memory wing of a nursing facility with 24/7 care. She had what we assume are TIAs/mini-strokes last year that really sent her memory off a cliff.
Anon
My grandmother lived with dementia for 16 years. It was about $120k when she moved into assisted living, $250k for the ~10 years she needed 24/7 care. It was a very good facility; there are cheaper ones. She retired with more than $3M and almost outlived her money, so it does happen.
Anon
Does she have family near her who can help until she’s ready for a nursing home?
Elder care
That would be us. We have a lot of love but have limited time with two full time jobs including travel and three kids under 5.
anon
You are going to need help, probably from professionals. You just will. Even with the best of intentions, there is only so much capacity to go around.
Anon
I said this yesterday but go on care.com, there are a lot of professionals with dementia experience who you can hire to help and it’s worth getting some people lined up.
Anon
I posted this as a response to a similar question yesterday, but having just gone through this, please get the power of attorney forms signed today. Do not let the sun set until they are signed! You’ll also want to talk to her about granting power of attorney immediately, rather than at some vague future point of “lost capacity” that is hard to define. A lawyer can help if you feel overwhelmed, but this is something that needs doing ASAP.
I keep repeating this because I did not understand the importance with my relative. Thank god an elder counselor at my husband’s work told us to do it and it was the best thing anyone ever did for us. From that time on, we faced so many challenges that would have been absolutely insurmountable without those forms signed. I honestly feel an overwhelming sense of dread imagining how it would’ve been without that.
Anon
Also, so I can be specific and not just scaremongering, the reason you want it ASAP with Alzheimer’s is because she may enter a period of steep decline and no longer be able to legally sign the form. This can be unpredictable and it is far better to do it way in advance. Secondly, you may find that she needs assistance meeting her needs right away. If you have power of attorney, you can sell her car, engage a home visitor, or anything else that is needed for safety without her permission. Then you’ll only have negotiating with her to struggle with, which has its own challenges, but trust me, you need the legal power first and foremost. A real nightmare scenario would be not having it, some horrific accident happens, and you have to go through the courts to get a guardian appointed.
anon
This is good advice. I have two aunts with Alzheimer’s. One has declined slowly and was able to live independently for quite a while, with some assistance from her kids and home health nurses. The other had a very sharp decline within the first year of diagnosis and is now virtually unrecognizable. Both were active and in excellent health prior to being diagnosed, and I really have no answer for why it’s played out so differently.
Anon
The way we sold it was “we don’t use it unless we need to,” which is true.
Elder care
Thanks. We working with an attorney to draft POAs and refresh her will.
anon
This. ^^^ The lawyer will facilitate this on the POA, but you also need a clear medical directive and discussion about her wishes.
Nesprin
+1 – my grandfather had a slow 2 decade decline. My mother went from first symptoms to end of life in less than 5 years.
anon
Having seen this play out with my great-aunt, whose situation sounds very similar to your MIL’s, I know my cousins regret trying to keep her at home for as long as they did. They both live nearby and did a lot of caregiving but they both work full time and needed to supplement with home health care. But it was terribly stressful on them, and the rest of our family was pretty worried about my aunt’s overall safety when nobody was around. Once she moved into a memory care place (prompted by a health crisis), it was so much better for everyone. Her daughters could be her daughters again, not just caregivers. And from all appearances, my aunt is actually thriving with other people around, as she had been living alone. My cousins did end up selling aunt’s house, which is helping pay for memory care.
Anon
I’m in the unknown above recommending the power of attorney and I would also recommend exploring assisted-living or memory care facilities early. Our stress caring for my relative was so high worrying about her alone at home with absolutely no friends or family locally. Having a home visitor helped for a while, but my relative did not understand that she had dementia and would regularly refuse to see them.
I was so worried for a long time that we would never be able to get her out the door into a community, but what worked in the end was emphasizing the concept of community. We never called it a “facility” and never used the “d-word.” We emphasized that she could make tons of new friends and have all the maintenance taken care of and somehow, I still don’t really know how, it just worked last week. She is now living in a safe, nice community and she has enough money to stay there ten years. There are still going to be plenty of challenges, but I think we are finally going to sleep a little better at night knowing that some of her safety is now out of our hands.
Anon
To myth bust a little too, yes, memory care is expensive but there are different levels and most places have a high threshold before you move into the hundreds of thousands a year category mentioned above. You usually start with basic assisted living. It’s also all-in costs, food, internet, cable, power, housekeeping, etc. are all included. Many elderly people also have social security, so if you have a house to sell, the proceeds plus social security will often pay for assisted living for a long time. Obviously this will vary depending on circumstances, but having gone through it, it’s less stressful than I imagined when I worried about it all.
Anon
+1. My MIL was only in assisted living a short time but between her pension, savings and social security, we projected out that she could have stayed in assisted living for quite some time – like 8 years, and at 78, with Type II diabetes, heart problems, etc. that was not likely. As folks have said, assisted living is all-in and so other than small expenses here and there for things like clothing, or paying for an optional outing, the assisted living bill covers everything they need. Memory care is more expensive but most people do not last 10+ years in memory care, in my experience. We’ve seen this with probably 10 different parents of friends and relatives, that by the time they need memory care, they have other significant health problems (some of which are caused by the dementia, like nutritional or medication compliance issues). Everyone we know who braced for having their parent in memory care for years ended up having the parent pass within a year, two at the most. It’s a communal living environment and illnesses spread quickly, and with vulnerable people, even minor infections can turn major quickly. I know that anything is possible and I’m sure someone will respond with their anecdote of their grandma who needed memory care for 20 years, or whatever. But even in that case – once assets are spent down, Medicaid can kick in. People do not need to save millions of dollars to cover their memory care for decades (or that of a family member). 99.99% of the time, things just don’t work out like that.
Elder Care
Can you share rough numbers for those different care levels and where you are approximately geographically?
I am trying to plan and having a hard time understanding the financials. ty
Anon
Denver area, assisted living with the most basic level of care: about 7,000 per month (a few additional start-up fees). Memory care is all-inclusive at 7,775.
Anon
Orange County, CA, basic care 5k/mo at a high end but not the highest end place. $500/month extra for medication management. That’s all in. If she needs to go to full time memory care, goes up to 8k. This is for a one bedroom, private apartment in an assisted living facility.
Anonymous
Rhode island, $8k/month for assisted living at a really high end place, $12k for memory care in a nursing home.
When you look, make sure to talk to the financial people about what happens if/when they run out of money. There are facilities out there that will guarantee you space in memory care even after your savings runs out after you have been there X years. Your MIL may or may not qualify depending on her cognitive status/current needs.
Senior Attorney
So Cal, LA area, my dad was in a good but not super top-tier place, it was about $7,000/month for a one-bedroom apartment in the assisted living unit, and maybe $8,000 for a single room in memory care (not super clear on the memory care — he only lasted a month once he moved down there). (He had a one-bedroom because when he moved in, it was him and my mom. If it were a single, I think a studio would be fine and that is less expensive.) We also paid a private aid $16/hour to look in on him and do things like keep the place picked up, put his laundry away, and just be a point of contact with us. It was about $300/month and money very well spent.
Senior Attorney
Coming back to clarify both the assisted living and memory care were at the same facility.
Anonymous
Northern Virginia.
Assisted living 110,
memory care probably 120, skilled nursing 160 to 200.
24 hour care at home – 250+
Elder Care
Thank you all!
Really appreciate this info.
Of Counsel
This was my family’s experience as well. Alzheimer’s is not a zero to 100 disease, although the rate of decline varies enormously. My grandfather started in assisted living in what was basically an apartment. He was there for a few years then moved to an intermediate level of care for another 2 years, and then to memory care, where he died within a year. This was all at the same facility. The cost for the different levels varied quite a lot, although it has been long enough that the exact amounts escape me.
There were not a lot of facilities in his area and the memory care unit was basically impossible to get into as a new patient, which is one of the reasons he went in when he did. Technically we could probably have kept him home another year or two, but he was adamant that he did not want his wife or children to be responsible for his physical care and it was much easier to get into the lower care part of the facility.
Anonymous
Yes, unless you can (and want to) move her in with your family, getting her into a facility before things get bad is the way to go. I would highly recommend assisted living with a step-up to full on memory care, if she is only at the early stages now—though honestly if you are getting a diagnosis at age 70 there are probably bright red flags indicating she can’t be living alone (or driving). Assisted living will be a safe apartment with all meals provided for her. Depending on the place she may or may not have the ability to cook (microwave, mini stove) but I’ve worked with a lot of people living in assisted living and it’s a big spectrum- some are fine with a stove, some cannot have one so it’s just simply not there. Or the knobs are taken off.
Move her close to you, visit often, bring the kids. Bring her to kid stuff (weekend soccer, dance recital, grandparents day etc) while you all still can enjoy those things.
Talk to a real estate agent. Plan to put the house on the market no later than spring, unless there are Major Other Reasons. I’m in the Boston area and the market isn’t as red hot as it was this summer but you can still sell even a fixer upper for a laughable amount of money (and I wish my dear elderly neighbor would do so; she’s hanging onto the house but can’t take care of it and it’s so stressful for all her kids and her house is worth like $1.5M). If you have to sell earlier, do it, but it sounds like you can probably plan for spring/early spring and get that behind you.
Depending on how she feels about the diagnosis and her overall capacities, you can frame it as wanting to have her closer to you in a low maintenance place.
Anon
+1 on move her close to you, we kept MIL far from us because she was married to someone with local to them family. He’s since died and it would be traumatic for her to move a second time. Do it once.
Anonymous
I agree with moving to assisted living or memory care as soon as assistance is needed rather than keeping her at home. My husband and his siblings kept their mother at home far too long out of a desire to respect her previously expressed wishes. It was a nightmare for everyone concerned. As soon as she moved to memory care, she became more active and interactive, her quality of life improved immensely, and the child who had been coordinating hired care and providing care herself became much less stressed and got to enjoy her remaining time with her mother much more.
Anon
I have an elderly great-aunt who was living at home by herself and declining. After a serious accident at home, she went to a rehab hospital, and then into independent assisted living. Her life is so much better being part of the community in her facility. She eats better and more frequently; she goes on outings; she goes to movie night or music night in the activity room every week; she has friends and they get together and play canasta or gin rummy every afternoon, etc. She’s 91 and she could easily go another few years, whereas before she moved into assisted living, we were unsure if she’d make it another few weeks. She swore up and down she wanted to stay in her home but once she had been in assisted living for a couple of months, she consented to her grandkids selling her house because “I’m having too much fun to go home to that empty house.” It was clear to us she had been very lonely and isolated, and moving out of her house opened up this whole new world to her.
Anon
If you rent out the house, could you generate enough cash flow to pay for her care?
Elder care
Unfortunately the house would need some significant repair work to be able to rent. We would likely sell it to fund her care.
Anon
Go to an Eldercare attorney in her area. Get everything signed now while she is competent to do so. The Eldercare attorney will have thoughts about assets. My mom didn’t have to sell her modest home – it went into an irrevocable trust. It was important to her because her plan was to get better and move back there after care. (Her health issues were lung related / COPD). Unfortunately, that never happened, but she needed to believe it would.
Anon
It’s a good idea to go to a lawyer, but since a lot of people really delay complicated processes like that, I recommend getting a basic POA signed ASAP without a lawyer. That could cover you until you are able to do the bigger effort later. In my family’s case, we downloaded the POA form from the state of Colorado (available for free online), filled it out with my relative, and got it witnessed at a local FedEx.
Anon
+1 – my husband and I are both lawyers and just did legal zoom and got it motorized and it’s worked for 100% of the times we’ve needed it, which is a lot.
Anon
There are many, many more reasons other than a POA to consult with an Eldercare attorney early in the process. I wish we’d done so earlier for my mom.
Anon
Right but the point is get a POA asap while you work out the rest.
Anon
Durable power of attorney for healthcare, stat. Once you actually need it, it’s too late to get it.
MK
First, sorry for the diagnosis, that is difficult news to take in.
Second, on the off chance that this applies, or as a PSA to anyone else, there is a fund for home health aids for Holocaust survivors funded by Germany and administered through local orgs worldwide if the survivor does not want to move to memory care or does not need it yet. Their definition of Holocaust survivor includes people who fled. You could check with your local Jewish Family Services or the Jewish Federation to learn more about the funding programs.
If she ends up staying home and using home health aids, please check if her home is safe for her (stairs, rugs/chords/trip hazards, lighting, appliances, railings, bathrooms/showers, etc because dementia/alzheimers can impact mobility/balance) and make alterations or move her into a safer place (such as a 1br with no stairs).
Anon
Does anyone have any recs for medical travel insurance? We will be going on our babymoon to Europe when I’m 25 weeks and my doctor recommended looking at travel insurance since we’ll be at viability. According to a calculator I used online the chances of me giving birth during our trip are .01%, but would like to be prepared (and could still need medical attention beyond going into labor prematurely). Looking specifically for names of insurance providers, not guidance on whether or not to go. Thanks for any tips!
Anonymous
I used insuremytrip.com to compare policies and rates. The policies have user reviews too.
Cat
Look at GeoBlue
anonamouse
You asked specifically about medical travel insurance, but I’d highly recommend getting general travel insurance (which would include medical coverage) for this trip. No recommendation for a specific company, but you can use a quote comparison tool and be sure to read the pregnancy-related coverage terms VERY carefully, particularly for what would be covered if the trip has to be cancelled at any point. Delivering at 25 weeks is very unlikely, but there are also risks that you might need additional testing, monitoring, or treatment around that time that could force you to cancel. We found that some policies will basically only cover a full or partial-cancellation due to severe or life-threatening pregnancy complications, while some would cover cancellations or expenses related to any pregnancy complication.
Cat
FWIW we travel a lot and basically just ‘self insure’ by flying only carriers we use regularly (so if we cancel the flight we get travel credit we can easily reuse) and booking with hotels or properties that offer flexible cancellation policies.
An
I have used AIG, Global Rescue (when needed political emergency coverage as well), and IMG global – although thankfully never needed to make a claim so can’t speak to that side of things! But all are reasonable, have good reputations, well-underwritten. These are for the emergency medical side of things, not overall travel insurance (although iirc most offered add-ons to cover the cost of the trip, if you don’t have that through a credit card or something)
When you’re looking at different plans the main things you need to look for:
– Limit : go for the highest one (often $1 million) it’s only costs a little more than the 100k ones and yep, medical evacuations can cost a lot
– Read the fine print on pre-existing conditions for pregnancy
– Evacuation to the nearest medically acceptable facility/country vs country of your choice. This is : in the event of an emergency, do they pay to send you to the closest/cheapest place that can care for you, or do you get to choose where to go — like if you were in France and your baby needed NICU care, “nearest medically acceptable” coverage would likely NOT cover evacuation to US (because there are good nicu’s in France) but facility-of-your-choice would.
Anon
Travel insurers want to cover events you have no idea might be coming. Since you already know you’re pregnant, they may look to exclude anything pregnancy related.
There are several coverages in travel insurance – trip cancellation, where something prevents you from taking your trip, trip interruption, where you have to end your trip early, and then a variety of emergency medical services during your trip. The only way to make sure you’re buying what you intend to buy is to read a whole bunch of fine print. You have to do it.
They will also do everything they can do deny the claim, so make sure you have your ducks in a row with receipts and notes from your doctor and all that before you even embark on travel.
There are only a handful of travel insurance carriers operating in the US though they may use various trade names. When you’re offered a travel insurance policy, goo gle the carrier name + “travel insurance” to see which individuals & states are suing them for not covering what they said they’d cover, and that’s all I can say about it. Your search will return results.
anon
This. I’d make sure the policy really covers what you think prior to buying it. Much of the medical expense in having a premature birth is in the NICU stay. Does the insurance cover the NICU stay of a person who has yet to be born when you buy the insurance?
Also, OP, you may want to first check:
-the health insurance policies of you and spouse. many employer-provided insurance covers emergencies abroad, but I don’t know if what they pay covers what care costs abroad.
-how the countries you’re visiting charge foreigners for medical care. Medical costs are much less in most other rich countries. For example, I found routine medical care affordable to self-pay at a fancy private clinic in London ages ago.
anon a mouse
I’d use InsureMyTrip and read the fine print. I’ve bought several policies through them and had to file claims with the insurers twice, no issues.
You also could check on any benefits from your credit card for medical treatment in a foreign country. Some of the higher-end cards like Amex or Chase offer benefits (or at least they did).
SFAttorney
I used Allianz general travel insurance, which I bought on the airline’s website when we booked flights. It was a bit of a hassle, submitting forms, but they eventually paid out when our trip was cut short due to Covid in 2022. (Covid was explicitly covered.) I’ve also used a different company’s travel insurance, which I also bought on the airlines website at the time of booking, but did not have to submit a claim
Anonymous
I’m surprised how low that statistic is – I know at least 3 people who’ve given birth at 25 weeks.
Anonymous
A lighthearted question on an otherwise heavy-topic day. I am running a fall festival event for 60 kindergarteners. There are 3 different areas where kids can win a prize. Historically, the prizes have been plastic junk: bouncy balls, slap bracelets, erasers, etc.
My co-chair and I thought it would be nice to minimize “straight to trash can” purchases. We got mini pumpkins from a local farm and fall themed pencils. We need a 3rd prize. Ideas? We tossed around apples but thought the kids might not go for it and we weren’t sure about it being an edible prize :). Two restrictions: cannot be “halloween” in any way and no food/candy.
Anonymous
Stickers? Are they too old?
Anon
Definitely not too old for stickers. That’s what I’d do.
Anonymous
Small crayons or colored pencils, maybe a fall-themed activity pad or those large coloring pages?
Anon
Look back over the fall school-supply list and see if there’s something small on there that could be given as a prize, where if the kids don’t want it, can be donated back to the classroom.
Absent that, doesn’t everyone love stickers?
Cat
a book or magazine (do kids that age still read Highlights)? stickers? Indian corn (sorry for the name – that’s what it was known as when I was a kid? Seems like Flint corn may be the new one?)
Anonymous
Temporary tattoos
Anonymous
+1. My kindergartner LIVES for plastic junk but will also accept temporary tattoos.
Walnut
+1 for temporary tattoos
Annony
I know you said non edible, but what about local honey sticks?
Anonie
I think something they can use right then and there is less wasteful than something like an eraser or bouncy ball, so to me a slap bracelet, sunglasses, visor, bubble necklace, glow necklace, etc are all good options.
Paper items that may be a bit more sustainable: paper/cardboard crown, paper masks, paper fall decorations, paper “winner” sash, etc?
NYCer
I wouldn’t do apples. My 4.5 year old would MUCH rather get a small bouncy ball, slap bracelet or eraser than an apple, and I think most kids that age would agree…. If you want to go the apple way, I would at least do a GoGo Squeeze Applesauce pouch vs. an actual apple.
A few other ideas: bath bomb (bonus if it has a little trinket inside – easily found in bulk on Amazon), stickers, temporary tattoos, small container of play doh.
Former PTA President
Schools in our area put out a box to collect little trinkets from families, and then repurpose those as prizes for the festival. People put all sorts of stuff in there – McDonalds happy meal toys, balls, party favors, small toys, small stuffies. It’s pretty genius. You can go through and sort it all out to get rid of any junk, but I think we just literally are like “Here’s the prize box, go wild!” It feels good to reuse all that plastic stuff, and it’s much cheaper for the event to not have to buy prizes.
If you want to buy a third prize, how about a mini-bottle of bubbles?
Anonymous
This is genius!
Anon
I love this too!
Anon
My kids like stickers too, plus all of that other general junk like bouncy balls, silly putty, glow sticks, silly straws, temporary tattoos, . Not sure what else they’d go for – maybe chapstick?
Sasha
Halloween themed paint or color by numbers, or a Halloween-colored belt bag. Belt bags seem to be all the rage according to my elementary school-aged nieces
anon a mouse
Pop-its? You may be able to find pumpkin-shaped ones at a dollar store.
Walnut
On that note, these pop it keychains would be epically popular. Keychains are having a moment in our school right now. https://www.amazon.com/Halloween-Keychain-Bubbles-Sensory-Classroom/dp/B0C85C2MVF
20% off right now too. I’m buying a couple for my Halloween candy basket.
Anan
Another vote for tattoos!
Also my kids have loved getting costume pieces- masks, hats, crowns, etc.
Bubbles.
Matchbox cars
But honestly none of it lasts any longer than “plastic junk”
A
Storybooks
Crayons
Stickers
Pencil cases
No Face
Does anyone have a strong preference for loafers vs oxfords? My loafers need to be tossed in the trash.
Anon
Loafers. I can’t always bend over to tie shoes, hate untied shoes, loafer shoelaces are wretched things that seem to feature automatic untieing as an feature, and I like a slip-on that won’t slip off.
Anon
OXFORD shoelaces. Ugh. Need caffeine while I slip on my loafers.
Anne-on
Loafers 100%, preferably in the ‘smoking slipper’ shape though I don’t mind tasseled loafers. I find smoking slippers, in leather or velvet, much nicer looking if I’m wearing dresses or skirts, loafers are more for slacks.
Anonymous
Oxfords for any use that requires socks or pantyhose.
Anon
If wearing barefoot or with no-show liners, loafers. With socks or other hosiery, oxfords.
No Face
Why hose with oxfords? Does it look better to the eye? Is there some fashion rule about that?
Anon
I suppose I was thinking of tights more than hose, but with either I find my foot slips out of my shoe if I’m wearing loafers. Oxfords stay put.
Anonymous
Both are classic but loafers are having a moment. That said, I love oxfords in more business formal contexts. Im really craving a pair with chunky soles right now.
PolyD
I don’t hate loafers, but as someone with a slightly wider toe area vs. the heel area, oxfords are a lot easier to “customize” the fit by tightening or loosening the laces. And I like my shoes to be firmly attached to my foot, oxfords are better than this.
Also, I think oxfords can look slightly punk, which I enjoy. My teen and young adult years in the 1980s are probably showing.
Runcible Spoon
Ha-ha, I remember black oxfords with black pants and thick white socks were a THING in the 1980’s!
Sybil
Styling ideas for this burgundy jumpsuit?
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=812909012&vid=1&autosuggest=true&searchText=Velvet+jumpsuit&position=0&results=4#pdp-page-content
I absolutely love it but want a topper for more bra coverage/warmth. I’m thinking some type of gold bolero/shrug. Other ideas?
BeenThatGuy
I like mustard, navy and teal to wear with burgundy. Or, if you wanted to dress this down, you could wear it with a chambray button down that’s tied at the waist. Also, the Jersey Girl in me says a leopard print cardigan.
Anon
Faux fur short jacket.
Moose
I think a structured blazer or motorcycle jacket would look great.
Clara
I’ve been looking for a “winter jumpsuit”, I might get this.
Moose
Or! You could layer underneath, like this:
https://cathedralsandcafes.com/creative-layering-for-your-basic-black-jumpsuit/
hey it's me
+1 this look. I did this wit a jean dress that had strap shoulders this summer and really liked this look for right now.
Anonymous
Duster coat in a harmonious neutral, gold belt and shoes.
Velvet shacket, booties
Oversize 3/4 arm textured blazer worn open – either velvet, jaquard or something that’s not classic suiting material
Sheer black blouse underneath
Oversized, cropped jumper adding width at shoulders but not waist
Anonymous
Since Old Navy fabric quality doesn’t usually stand up to actual “expensive dressy” events, I’d be going for casual dressy, with a denim jacket, leather jacket, chunky cropped cardigan. Or a t-shirt, tissue-weight turtleneck, or button-front shirt underneath.
Josie P
Does anyone have a favorite lip balm (or lipstick) w/ SPF? I used to get the Kiehls butterstick but they have been discontinued :(
Anon
Ugh I hate that the butter stick has been discontinued. I love the tinted one.
I hoarded a bunch from eBay, but once I work through those, I will probably just use the new Supergoop spf tinted lip balms. They’re ok. They don’t have the same texture as the butter stick but reasonably close.
If you’re looking for untinted, there are lots more options. The only one I’ve tried is from Curology but that’s a prescription thing. It was also fine. Nothing is like the butter stick.
PolyD
I can’t believe I spend this much money on lip balm, but I really, really like La Neige. I think I got it as a birthday freebie from Sephora a few years ago, and I was hooked.
It works well, has a nice texture, and a lovely, very light smell.
anon a mouse
I love the Fresh Sugar lip balms – some of the newer ones have more pigment than the older colors.
SFAttorney
Me too!
Anon
https://www.skinsafeproducts.com/chapstick-sun-defense-spf-25-sunscreen-skin-protectant-0-15-ounce
anon
Jack black
hey it's me
How do you “do your research” on medications? I have increasingly regular headaches and migraines and after talking with my doctor last week, she gave me four choices for daily meds for prevention. Basically outlined the options with pluses/minuses for each. I took the list home to think about it, and of course internet search. I’m pretty nervous about the concept at all of taking regular daily medications that mess with my head, and I really don’t want a medication that causes weight gain. I started searching online and pursued some research articles, and am kind of like – yep. these are options.
It seems like Topirmate might be a great place to start, but holy good lord some of the reviews are awful and make me hesitant. Yet I generally take bad internet reviews with a grain of salt because everyone shares the worst scenarios and rarely do happy people share their good stories.
FWIW, here are the four options she gave – feel free to share your thoughts.
Fluoxetine
Amitriptyline
Propranolol (I won’t do this one – in the past I’ve had weird reactions to a blood pressure medicine when I used them for off label uses)
Topirmate
Amitriptyline dreams
Great question about how to research medications. I end up googling so I hope people have better suggestions. About 15+ years ago I had weekly migraines. My doc prescribed a low does of amitriptyline and that was a game changer for me. I tolerated it very well and eventually was able to get off it by reducing refined sugars and carbs in my diet along with avoiding dairy. No doctor told me to try this–my sister recommended this after doing some reading on nutrition. I’m back on amitriptyline now (10 mg) to help with sleep. I’m going through some extremely stressful circumstances that I hope are short term and the lack of sleep was really affecting my functioning. The amitriptyline is a game changer. I take it at night. I’m a little groggy in the morning but nothing that another cup of tea can’t fix and I’m a bit more thirsty. That’s it. I’ve been on it roughly a week. I wish you well and hope you get to a better place with your headaches.
Anon
More than any medication, the following helped me cut down the number of migraine days per month:
– Quitting aspartame entirely, and using other artificial sweeteners very sparingly or not at all
– Limiting sugar, overall (you might be saying, no sugar AND no sweeteners? You get used to it pretty fast and then things that are moderately sweet to other people taste SO sweet to you, you wonder how you used to eat that stuff all the time)
– I quit gluten to help with my IBS, but it reduced my migraine frequency as well
– Avoiding my other known triggers: red wine, extremely spicy food (think really spicy Indian or Mexican) and fresh berries (which is a real bummer)
– Limiting alcohol a lot – I have maybe 2 drinks a week, and I stick to vodka sodas for the most part
– Staying hydrated (I drink a gallon a day of plain water between getting up and going to bed)
– Getting enough sleep (I cannot make less than 7 hours a night work)
– Managing stress and getting regular exercise
Lifestyle changes help many migraine sufferers more than medication, but of course people don’t make money off of lifestyle changes you can do for free. Additionally, many of these things are good for your overall health – my A1C, fasting glucose and triglycerides are fantastic because I don’t eat much sugar.
Anonymous
Yeah, learning your triggers helps a lot. Also important to note that they stack and you can use that to help you determine if something is worth the risk.
For me, I can’t control the weather or my hormones which are both triggers, but I can choose to avoid red wine when the air pressure is dropping or make extra sure I’m hydrating at the crucial times of the month.
Anon
I took a low dose of topirmate for anxiety during COVID, and I regret it. I had numbness in my hands and lost a lot of hair, not all of which grew back.
It has a lot of side effects, and it’s also prescribed off label for so many things (such as migraines, anxiety, mood stabilizer etc) despite not being meant for those purposes.
Anon
Why are CGRP blockers (the new injectable migraine meds) not on the list? Because everyone I know who has migraines has gotten tremendous relief from them. Aimovig, Ajovy, etc. You need to ask about those if you have not.
I’ll just share my experiences with what’s on your list:
Fluoxetine (Prozac) – I tried this many years ago, in the late 90s. Did not help my migraines at all but I got all the lovely Prozac side effects you read about. Discontinued after 4 months.
Amitriptyline – another late 90s attempt. Did nothing for my migraines. Did make me feel like a zombie (it’s a tranquilizer). Discontinued after 3 months.
Propranolol – I know you said you won’t do this one, but I use a beta blocker (Metoprolol) and Gabapentin as an abortive treatment for my migraines (because triptans don’t work for me). My migraines are hormonal and have greatly decreased in frequency as I’ve gone into perimenopause, so this wonky little combination works fine, most of the time. I do not think a beta-blocker will be very effective on its own as a daily preventative, but maybe paired with something else it would work.
Topirmate – I had hallucinations. Like, things were crawling on me, or on the walls. Could not sleep. Could not eat. Took several days off work because I could not exist in the world and be on the medication at the same time. I lasted a week and said, no more. That being said, I have known people who have had success with it. I just wasn’t one of them.
I read this list and felt like – whoa, apparently the 90s are back when it comes to migraine treatment. Most of the migraine specialists I’ve seen in the last 15 years moved away from all this stuff years ago when the triptans came in, and now that CGRP blockers are here – why is your doctor trying to say these are your only options? Did you see a neurologist or migraine specialist – someone who actually knows what the current, up-to-date options are? If not – please try that before you get on any one of these meds.
hey it's me
This appointment was with my normal PA that I’ve seen for the last 15 years – so definitely not a a migraine specialist. She didn’t say that those were the only options, just that those were the options that are commonly started with.
I wonder, if like Anon88 says below, she knows that we have to try and fail at these before moving on. Of which I’m super not enthused to fail at medicines that mess with my head just to get to the newer medicines. But I also can’t/won’t pay for $1500/month out of pocket costs for a prescription.
Anon
It’s entirely possible. I’ve been seeking medical treatment for migraines since I was 13 (they started at 12), so never have a problem with insurance saying I need to “fail” the traditional treatments to try something else – it’s all in the records.
If you really feel like the headaches and migraines (because they’re different) are interfering with your quality of life, it’s worth seeing a migraine specialist or neurologist. I waited waaayyyy too long to see one – I didn’t see a neurologist until I was in my early 20s – and I put up with a lot of BS recommendations and bad advice in those years.
Anonymous
I’m not OP, but for me insurance made me try the other medications before they would approve Botox or CGRP blockers.
Anonymous
It probably is because of the fail requirements for CGRP. I have chronic with aura, was routinely needing huge steroid doses after toradol and they still wanted me to fail more drugs. My neurologist just basically told them no. I’m on max aimovig and still need 80 mg propanolol. I was previously on 120 mg.
And yes to the terrible topamax side effects. Never again.
Anon88
I’m a lifelong migraine sufferer, so I have a lot of thoughts. Up until this year I was having 10-15 headache days a month, and now I’ve been 10 months migraine free, with some minor breakthrough headaches. I’ve tried a LOT of treatments.
I’ve been on Nortriptyline (similar to Amitriptyline), Propanolol, Topirmate and Ajovy for daily meds and sumatriptan, rizatriptan and Ubrelvy for rescue meds. Also tried tons of lifestyle changes.
The meds you listed are all “old-school” migraine meds, which are all designed for something else and were originally prescribed off-label for migraines (except prozac, which I’ve never heard of as a migraine treatment). What you really want are the new generation of migraine meds– the CGRP inhibitors that you see advertised all the time (Nurtec, Emgality, Ajovy, Aimovig, etc.). These are the first meds developed specifically to treat migraine and in my experience are way more effective with little to no side effects.
The catch? Insurance typically won’t pay until you’ve “failed” on a few of the older meds first (and the new meds are eye-wateringly expensive. I’d be paying $1,500 a month without insurance). So really, I’d approach this as having to try a couple of the old meds before you can get a good one. The side effects aren’t nearly as bad as the reviews say, truly. I was so afraid to take Topirmate and it just made me sleepy and gave me brain fog. Same with Nortriptyline. Neither of them touched my headaches.
Migraine medication is EXTREMELY variable person to person. For instance, I’ve heard many people say Ajovy did nothing for them, and it completely changed my life. There are some people that the old-school meds work amazingly for. Unfortunately it really is trial and error. There’s not necessarily one you should try first because at least of the old-school meds, they’re all pretty hit or miss.
Anon
“except prozac, which I’ve never heard of as a migraine treatment”
I swear, this recommendation is such a throwback! I was prescribed Prozac for migraines in like 1998 when doctors seemed to be throwing it at any persistent issue people (especially women) had. This was at about the same time that I had a male doctor tell me “this is just what happens to some women at their Time of the Month; you should just take Midol and tough it out.” I was 18 and having 2-3 migraines a WEEK that were so bad I would go to bed in the middle of the afternoon and cry myself to sleep. They were not in any way synced up with my menstrual cycle and so I couldn’t figure out how Midol was supposed to help, or how I could take Midol 25/30 days a month safely.
That all being said – I did have a friend who got on Wellbutrin and it really helped her migraines. But even that was pre-triptans and definitely pre-CGRP blockers; that same friend is on Aimovig now and loves it.
Anon
Completely off topic, but this just made me realize that Wellbutrin has been helping my migraines. I normally had about one a month, but haven’t had many since I went on Wellbutrin during Covid. Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I couldn’t figure out why I was having less migraines and the timing lines up.
Anon88
Literally feel so blessed to live in the age of CGRP-inhibitors. I was also told “just take Tylenol” for a long time. So interesting your friend got relief from Wellbutrin. I am on Wellbutrin now, and I think it’s actually caused me to get a couple low-grade breakthrough headaches. Just goes to show how meds affect people differently.
hey it's me
I’m at around 8 days headache days a month, with 2-3 that turn into full migraines. The frequency is increasing over the last year without any lifestyle changes. It used to be I could pretty much calendar my headache to my cycle – 2-3 days before, I’d get a hormonal headache-migraine. Then those started getting longer, and now they’re spreading throughout the month.
How long would you try a few before you moved on? My MIL has a similar story to yours and the Anon above, and I just don’t want to sign up for 15 years of trying this and that.
Specific question (that I realize is totally specific to you and doesn’t mean that it will be how I experience it) – on Topiramate was the brain fog all the time, or just after taking it for a while?
Anon88
I can totally empathize– I had the exact same trajectory, down to the hormonal trigger. I think it’s common for the frequency to increase over time, as horrifying as that is.
I was on Topiramate for 4 months maybe and Nortriptyline for over a year. Propanolol I only made it a couple days because I was getting lightheaded. If I were to do it again I’d say 2-3 months is plenty of time to see if each works. Check your insurance formulary to see what the requirement is to get a CGRP-inhibitor covered. You may only need to try one or two before they’ll cover it.
Topiramate brain fog was immediate. I didn’t even realize how bad it was until I stopped it cold turkey and suddenly felt like myself again. It wasn’t as dramatic as some reviews I read online– I was still totally functional, just felt like I was jet lagged all the time.
My best advice is to find a neurologist who specializes in headaches. I was bopping around to my GP, telehealth, a random neurologist and was not getting relief (probably not shocking, haha). I finally got serious and made an appointment at my region’s “headache center” and even though I had to wait ten months for an appointment it’s been totally worth it. They know all the latest treatments, are aggressive about getting me pain-free and have a person who will argue with my insurance company to get the meds covered.
One last thing– are you taking triptans? I was getting rebound headaches from them which was increasing my number of headache days quite a bit. Just quitting the triptans made a difference in frequency (but again, I’d recommend a CGRP-inhibitor rescue med, which don’t cause rebounds)
Anon
“I finally got serious and made an appointment at my region’s “headache center” and even though I had to wait ten months for an appointment it’s been totally worth it. They know all the latest treatments, are aggressive about getting me pain-free and have a person who will argue with my insurance company to get the meds covered.”
Just wanted to cosign this. I waited 8 months to see a neurologist at our local “headache/migraine clinic.” Totally worth it. For folks who are considering this: sign up now; keep trying to identify your triggers, and keep trying treatments. The time will pass and if you don’t need the appointment, you don’t have to go when it comes up. But seeing a dedicated headache specialist was THE BEST thing I ever did for myself, period. My life is basically divided into “the time before I saw Dr. Shaw” and the time after, where I felt like I got my life back.
“One last thing– are you taking triptans? I was getting rebound headaches from them which was increasing my number of headache days quite a bit.”
OMG – this was me too, and for the longest time I couldn’t figure out why triptans didn’t work for me. I went to daily gabapentin as a preventative and that really helped, along with Excedrin Migraine and metoprolol when the migraines did develop. I’ve actually never talked to someone else who had this same problem with the triptans – they were a godsend to so many people, but I could not make them work for me at all.
Anon
This. You need to start with some of these before insurance will pay for the newer ones. I would avoid topiramate due to cognitive side effects, and try fluoxetine (or venlafaxine, similar) or amitryptyline/nortriptyline.
Anon88
very long comment in m o d with my personal experience with these
Senior Attorney
I take a combination of 40 mg propranalol and 25 mg topiramate and it’s been life-changing. I do fine on Topiramate at that low dose, even though at higher doses I start to get the speech/cognitive issues you may have heard about. I’ve been on this combination for decades and no problems at all.
hey it's me
Good to hear a good story!
Anon
You have to try the cheap, old meds before you can try the expensive new ones, which is why your doctor has suggested these first. For all of these, it’s really going to be trial and error because different people respond to different drugs and you can try to guess around side effect profiles (sedating vs. stimulating, weight gain vs. weight loss, blood pressure rise vs. fall, etc.), but it’s still always going to be a guessing game.
There’s no real evidence that fluoxetine works, so I’d skip that unless you also have depression (there’s better evidence for venlafaxine). I haven’t tried amitriptyline, but it’s known to be effective, but sedating, so good if you have sleep issues, bad if you have fatigue (one of my major issues, so I’ve always avoided it). Propranolol didn’t help me at all and also made me sort of tired, no other noticeable side effects. I avoided topiramate for a long time because it’s so famous for terrible side effects, but it’s actually really helped me. It’s important to start with a low dose and slowly titrate up, but it immediately decreased my pain and nausea. I’ve never been able to go above 50 mg because of side effects (word finding, issues with typos, etc.), but at that dose the benefits are worth it. I get a little bit of tingling in my fingers, carbonated things taste terrible, and I’ve lost about 30 pounds, but I’m not complaining about that (I have the same lack of food noise that everyone on GLP-1 drugs talks about). I also get botox and have tried going off topiramate several times, but I feel so much worse every time that I keep going back on it. I’ve tried samples of the CGRP drugs, but my insurance won’t cover those and botox at the same time, and they didn’t work so well in short trials that I wanted to stop botox to try them longer. They say that you should give drugs at least 3 months to see if they help, though I’ve generally been able to see a benefit much sooner.
Anonymous
Can anyone living with the horrible, dreaded socialized medicine, ahhh!! speak to how well doctors and healthcare professionals are compensated? I routinely hear the argument that they’d all be paupers if the US got rid of its for-profit model, and I just can’t imagine that doctors and administrators in the rest of the world aren’t living comfortably (but maybe not as lavishly as some in the US).
Cb
I’m in the UK and nurses are paid poorly veruss the US, junior doctors can make more per hour working at Pret (thus junior doctor strikes), but consultants etc seem fine. There’s a massive problem with people dropping down to 50/60% and then taking up private work on the side, leaving the NHS very stretched, and leaving for work in Australia.
My interactions beyond pregnancy and childbirth have been pretty limited, but I’ve found the care comparable to my care in the US. It’s just fewer frills, you have to call at 8:00am to get your appointment that day, offices aren’t fancy, etc.
Anon
Cb, I manage a UK based team, and a woman on that team offhandedly said that when she gave birth, she shared a room for both labor and recovery, and that she did not have the ability to choose an epidural (the nurses made the determination as to whether that was necessary based on their perception of her pain level). What was your childbirth experience like, if you care to share?
Anon
I’m in the US and shared a room for both as well. It depends on how busy the hospital is when you go into labor.
Anon
So the hospital where I delivered does not have shared rooms for either – literally the rooms are not set up in a way that would accommodate multiple people – and that’s the norm in my city. I don’t actually know anyone in the US in my generation who shared a room in labor or recovery.
Anon
My mom shared a room . . . in the 1970s. Shudder to think of an audience of strangers. I am SURE that when a guy has a heart attack (or a woman), she gets to do that in private.
Anonymous
I gave birth at NYU in New York and shared a room for recovery, but not delivery. Sharing a room for recovery was the worst part of the whole experience, including the unmedicated childbirth!
Anon
Oh my god, I can’t even fathom either sharing a room or not having an epidural if someone else determines I’m not in enough pain. Yikes!!!
Anon
When I had my son, I had a c-section and they told me as they were wheeling me into my room for my recovery – you’re in luck; we aren’t that busy right now. You should have the room to yourself.
I stayed the mandated two nights. On the morning of the third day, we were getting ready to leave and a nurse came in and said – you’re leaving just in time; we’re about to move someone into this room and you would have to share if you were staying any longer. I was fine to go, but you better believe we got everything together and boogied out of there as fast as possible. I would have hated having to share a room with someone when I was recovering from the c-section; everything was just so messy and gross for awhile, not to mention all the hormonal ups and downs.
Also: remember in The Office, when Pam has to share a room with the other new mom and ends up breastfeeding the other mom’s baby?
Anon
I’m so glad that the hospital I delivered at only had single rooms for labor and recovery. I had preeclampsia, so spent over a week and a half in the hospital (4 days pre-induction, 2 days of labor, and 5 days recovery). I may have gone crazy if I had to share a room with random strangers that whole time
Emma
I can’t speak for the UK but I’m in Canada (Quebec) and got an epidural the second I asked for it, no questions asked. I also had my own room in a brand new hospital, I was high risk and received outstanding medical care throughout and was kept overnight for 4 nights for monitoring. And it cost me zero dollars. I occasionally have gripes about the medical system in Canada, but in this case I was really, really happy for the public system.
Anonymous
Also in Canada and this is basically my experience. Private room with a nice view both times. There is a small upcharge for the private room but that was covered by additional health insurance through my employer (or option to pay $100/night directly which is tax deductible). Sometimes in super busy months like September and May the private rooms book out quick and may be reserved for issues like c-section or twins. Usual stay is 2 nights post regular birth and 3-5 nights post c-section.
One of the medical practices in our city also offers a discharge to home. You spend 4 hours in the delivery room after birth, pediatrician clears baby and you can go straight home if you had an uncomplicated birth. This is purely choice based for people more hippie adjacent than myself who want a hospital birth but prefer to to recover at home. Public health nurse stops over the next day for a check up.
You do have to pay for parking which can add up so DH uber’d to hospital when he stayed overnight.
Cb
Shared room for early labour and recovery. I found that really tough, it was noisy and I felt embarassed when my waters had broken and I had to make my way to the loo past all the male relatives of my neighbour. I gave birth at midnight and my husband had to leave once I was reutrned to the room, by that point I’d been in labour for nearly 24 hours and I’d have liked them there. There were some really rowdy families during visiting hours! If I could have paid for a private room, I would have. Epidural was on-demand, although mine didn’t work and everyone was really lovely and supportive. No doctor present for the actual birth, one came round (with a bunch of students) and spoke to me at some point, but it’s the midwife catching the babies.
anon
Wait, your husband couldn’t stay with you during recovery? Man, that would be hard. I needed mine more in recovery than in labor.
Anon
I’m in the US (LCOL area, fwiw) and shared a room for both. It’s a thing here too!
I did gladly choose an epidural and I got it early, since I was induced, so my labor was basically pain free.
anon
Depends on where people are in their careers. Doctors in Canada typically don’t have the same student debt burden and make more starting out than their US counterparts, plus some time up north can knock out any loans. The pay maxes out lower, but it is a better quality of life. US, the long term payday is better but you will be broke until you are in your mid-30s. Anecdotally, among my friends, it means Canadian doctors start families, buy houses, etc. in their early 30s, whereas the US doctors are more delayed.
Anon
IMO doctors get magic doctor loans for houses and IDK anyone who delayed a family they were ready to start. It’s easy to loan to doctors vs lawyers b/c in the US, every doctor can get a job as a doctor and that allows the math to work out for a spendy house. Their debt is massive, that is definitely true. Primary care is woefully understaffed (their loans are no different than the bone surgeon who makes bank).
anon
“Magic Doctor Loans” mean that the bank is loaning its own money (and not subject to third party underwriting) so that it can loan you money without considering your overall debt picture and without a down payment at a market rate. So slightly preferential in the long term but it does not make a note on 750k house magically only be 1k per month when you are working on a residents salary.
Emma
I’m in Canada and doctors make a bit less than in the US I think, although they are by no means poor. And they have less student debt generally. But every year it makes the news that several Canadian doctors are moving to the US for the money, so I guess it’s a thing. Just like everywhere else, GPs make OK money but aren’t necessarily rolling in money, specialists are usually pretty wealthy.
Anon
Yeah, my friend who was a family doctor here unfortunately closed her practice because she felt like she wasn’t making enough money for the amount of work and patients she had to take on.
Seafinch
McLeans did a really good article on GPs last year. It can be a brutal existence. even my neighbours who are specialists don’t seem to have it that great compared to how much they work v. pay. on the otherhand, we have two parent friends who are GPs who seem to have found a decent balance.
Anonymous
In Canada our doctors have much much lower student loans (if they have any at all since there are grants and bursaries, plus subsidies for doctors who will work in rural communities). Starting pay is higher, but max pay is lower. A doctor in Canada will max out around 300k. Unfortunately some of our doctors leave for the US which I find wildly immoral since they are still paid so much here and can easily afford a home, kids, luxuries etc on their Canadian salaries and are just going to the US to be greedy.
Anonymous
Also in Canada – top billing doctors in my province bill $1-3 million annually. Top billing specialties are things like radiology and ophthalmology. There are tons of bonuses if you are willing to work in rural areas (like extra $50 000/year for 5 years). And med school can be close to free if you make in service commitments for rural areas while in school.
FWIW – SIL is a doctor in Europe. Med school is free, she works two days a week and makes about the same as BIL who is a high school teacher full time.
There’s lots of different ways to set up the system. The main difference I see is not doctors salaries but the amount of time people spend dealing with health insurance. Last month I saw my family doctor whose practice is adjacent to the teaching hospital in my city, walked over to the hospital for a chest xray she recommended, got the xray and was done in an hour. Only cost was $2 for parking. Both my kids were at their allergist earlier this week – I didn’t even have to pay for parking, and they have our health cards on file, just walk in and see the doctor and leave with relevant prescription and referral for respirology testing – zero paper work to fill out.
Anon
Are your med school classes much bigger? In the US, you can go to law school if you can fog a mirror but getting into med school is very, very hard. We have a shortage. I don’t know any female primary care doctor who works FT, which is great for them but bad for people trying to find an appointment with an internist or pediatrician. I wonder if we go to PAs or NPs as a solution to the shortage. I would love to work 2 days a week, it’s not feasible in my profession; in health care, every provider is regarded as fungible and it seems to work out except for maybe in the .01% of high-level specialists. Anyone can see that you have strep and we are indifferent mostly to seeing “my doctor” vs any doctor with an opening for low-level stuff like that.
Anon
In Canada there are lots of people going to med school but not enough residency spots for them. It’s a clusterfuck.
Emma
No, medical school classes aren’t that much bigger as far as I know, getting into medicine is extremely competitive, residency is even more competitive, and we also have a doctor shortage (exacerbated by the doctors who go to live in the US).
Anonymous
Med school is super competitive. The running joke at my Canadian law school was that the male med school students had better luck with the female law school students than the male law students because women got into law school and were not impressed by guys bragging about getting into law school but getting into med school was actually impressive.
DH is from Europe. Med school is competitive there as well and there is an expectation that if you elect civil service instead of mandatory military service that you do something medically related (eg ambulance attendant).
Anonymous
The US has the highest paid doctors in the world. If they don’t think they make enough in the US, where on earth to they think they can go to make more?
Anon
Primary care doctors’ $ gets consumed by 500K of med school debt. Also, only residents in the military are well paid (and have free housing); try living on a resident’s salary in any major US city while being tapped out for loans. Only white-collar-ish people I’ve ever seen buying “cola” and not Coke in the store, and they regarded that as a treat.
Anonymous
but you can’t consider US doctor income in a vacuum. You have to consider the debt. Looking at only 1/2 of the equation disguises the differences between US and other countries. Anyone talking about cutting salaries and doing nothing about debt, will never get the support of US doctors.
Anonymous
Why is the support of doctor necessary? It’s not about appeasing a group of wealthy Americans, it’s about making sure medical care isn’t bankrupting people.
Med school tuition is high because people know doctors make a ton and universities know people will always pay through the nose for medical school. Residency is part of school. That’s like PhD students complaining they don’t get full professor salaries.
And it isn’t hard to pay off 500K in debt on $200 or 300K a year. Doctors do not need to be clearing a million dollars a year.
Anon
Many, many people are dissuaded from med school by the high tuition. People aren’t just willing to pay through the nose for medical school. It affects who applies and who becomes a doctor. And people feel so trapped by their medical school debt that it contributes to mental health risks. It would be smarter for a country with a severe doctor shortage to incentivize people to go into the career path without taking on debt.
Anonymous
Doctors are not the cause of the high cost of medical care. Pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies are.
Anon in the UK
Living in the UK, my experience of socialised medicine has been similar to Cb’s… I should say that I also have private health insurance here (which does not cover pregnancy and childbirth), and the level of care has been very similar to the NHS, except it can be faster to see certain specialists privately and the scheduling is a bit easier. They are generally the same specialists as under the NHS just moonlighting privately, so no actual difference in level of care.
I am currently pregnant with my first. I cannot yet speak about labour first hand, but I hear from friends that epidurals are generally available on demand (although there seem to be occasional horror stories with women denied epidurals this doesn’t seem to be the rule). It is true that you have to share a room (and hospital stays in the UK after giving birth are very short, one or two nights on average), although in many hospitals you can pay for a private one. Maternity outcomes (neonatal and maternal mortality) are better here than in the US, so the system overall seems to work well.
Also, there seem to be a lot fewer hospital administrators here than in the US, probably because hospitals are not run as businesses, so no need to do billing, marketing, strategy etc. It is similar eg to the higher education sector which seem to be doing just fine with fewer – overpaid – administrators, while delivering world-class education at a much lower cost.
Cb
I’m so excited for you to experience the NHS post-labour toast. It’s the cheapest bread possible, and yet somehow so delicious.
And hospital stays are very short, I gave birth early Friday AM and was home Saturday afternoon, and that was only b/c I had been in labour for so many days, they had to monitor for infection.
anon
What is your follow-up care like after birth? In the US, you typically stay 2 nights for a v*ginal delivery and 3 for a Caesarean. My OB saw me during rounds at least once during that stay, but then I wasn’t seen again for a month.
Anon
I loved being home (I could sleep, finally! at least as much as a nursing mother of a newborn gets sleep), but IDK what you do if there is a problem, especially if you are a first-time mom. I’d like to get discharged to a nice resort, where I have no home chores, just tending to my little; also, someone handles the copious laundry.
anon
So apparently this exists in Israel – they’re called baby hotels. Someone needs to bring it to the US – it’s like a nice hotel, with medical staff and someone to cook your food and take care of you, while you recover and bond with your kid.
Anon
It’s common in countries where women are primarily seen by midwives instead of OBs to have short stays in hospitals for vaginal births. My friends who had uncomplicated births went home the same day.
Cb
A health visitor came to the house and checked my stitches, did jaundice checks, and checked baby weight a few times over the first 10 days.
Anon in the UK
I am hoping to pay for private labour at an NHS hospital, largely to have a private room (would cost as much as a nice holiday, but it’s not like we will be going on many of those after the baby arrives anyway…). But I hope they still give me the toast!
I don’t think you’d get doctor visits by way of aftercare unless there is a problem. In the UK, if you have an uncomplicated pregnancy, it seems possible to go through the whole pregnancy and labour process without ever seeing an OBGYN, it’s all midwife led. It seems weird for someone not from here, but it all works out fine, apparently.
Anon
I had my first before the US cracked down on “drive-through” deliveries. We were in the hospital for less than 24 hours after I gave birth. It was stressful but worked out fine in the long run.
The NUMBER ONE most valuable thing was a home health visit from a public nurse, and I sincerely wish this was standard. It’s a program in my California county for low income mothers. I’m not low income but they called me anyway and asked if I wanted a visit. I said sure. The nurse came over and looked at the baby, then turned to me and asked “and Mom, how are you doing?” upon which I burst into tears. She was the first person to show any concern for me and not just the baby, and she was the one who urged me to see my OBGYN for PPD, which I desperately needed. What a fantastic program.
Seventh Sister
I wish the US would do home health visits from public nurses, but that’s way too sensible for our medical system. I felt like I spend half of my maternity leave dragging the baby to the pediatrician for well-baby checkups.
NY CPA
The NHS publishes their pay ranges for doctors information: https://www.healthcareers.nhs.uk/explore-roles/doctors/pay-doctors
NHS tops out around the equivalent of USD$150K for the most experienced specialists, less for general practitioners, much much less for junior doctors (typically something like the first 10 years out of med school). A lot of them supplement their NHS pay by taking on private patients for this reason.
If you have to pay for 4 years of US college + 4 years of US med school + 3-7 years of minimal pay during residency and then be paid in the range of $80-150K per year, that seems like an insurmountable debt burden to me. You would have to completely restructure the education system for it to be viable.
Anon
The US residency pay is really awful, plus, it usually requires you to live in a big city, which is $$$.
Anon
I live in Germany and the average internal medicine / primary care physician here makes somewhere between 75-100 euro, surgeons of course make more. Doctors incur very little medical debt and this is around double the average wage.
Nesprin
In Italy, medicine is a 6 year undergrad program + residency, all of which is paid for by the state, so no one goes into medicine with half a million dollars of debt. Working as a doctor is a comfortable but not lavish lifestyle.
Anonymous
Norway:
Free med school (6 years) and then paid residency.
Student loans and stipends are given by the state, students who finish on time get part of their loan made into stipend. MDs who work in remote areas can get more of their loan made into stipend.
6 years of loans would be about 43 000 dollars (total), unless they went to med school abroad and had to pay tuition abroad.
A GP will make about 6300 dollars a month, a specialist 8000. Both are high-earning jobs and well within the 10 percent highest earners in the country. Expected income tax 30 percent.
(The 1 percent would be more than 16500 a month).
Nurses are paid a lot less, but also have free schooling.
Patients pay a maximum of 260 dollars a year in fees (annual cap), healthcare is free.
Prescription drugs that are considered essential are part of the fee cap.
Lots of elective, private options.
anon
Is 3 nights too long to spend at a friend’s house? I’m in town for a wedding we are both going to on a friday night, and I have to fly in Thursday evening and leave Sunday morning. Friday I’ll be working then we meet up for the wedding, then Saturday we’ll probably hang out a bit but then I’ll step out to see other folks, then I’d leave early sunday. We already talked about me staying friday and saturday night, and now that i’ve worked out my schedule I feel awkward about asking about Thursday night too. In general I struggle with not being open about things and assuming people won’t want to put up with me, so I’m not sure if that’s why I’m thinking I should find somewhere else to stay Thursday or if it’s legit. Help?
Anon
If I’ve offered have you stay two nights, three is no problem. My only issues are not knowing people’s plans. I want to know when you’re coming and when you’re going and everything else is NBD.
Anon
Tell your friend that you feel awkward asking and be prepared to offer to stay elsewhere. You should be VERY GENEROUS with your host who is saving you hundreds to thousands of dollars here. Both a very nice meal out on you, and a thoughtful hostess gift.
anon a mouse
Details matter – does she live alone? Will you have your own space like a spare room or will you be on the couch? Will you be working on Friday from her space or will you work from elsewhere?
I’d be thrilled to have some extra time with you, but I have a guest room and it would be NBD. I’d ask, and offer to stay somewhere else for one night if it’s an inconvenience to her. Also – leaving early Sunday helps, because I always need a little extra time to reset after hosting.
NYCer
+1 to all of this.
anon
She lives alone. I don’t know about having my own space, I haven’t seen her new condo, but it’s just us in 1500 sq ft. I’ll be working from office on Friday.
Anon
I would have absolutely no problem with it. But I live in a HCOL city and often have friends or family stay for a week at a time since it’s the only way they can afford to visit.
I would ask. The worst that can happen is that they say no. But if they already offered to host you for 2 nights, it is highly unlikely they say no
Anon
I’d be hurt if a friend didn’t stay with me the full time!
Anonymous
You should say “As it turns out I’m going to need to fly in on Thursday night. I was thinking about getting a hotel room since I don’t want to put you out for another day, but if you’d rather have me for 3 nights just let me know by X.”
I wouldn’t say “if you don’t mind” or “would it be OK if” since it makes it hard for someone to say no.
FWIW I think your friend will say OF COURSE come the extra day!!! After which you offer to take her to dinner when you get in :).
Anonymous
This is a good script. I’m an Old, and I have a lot of kids, but friends often stay with us (more so when we lived in a HCOL area) and I would have zero problem with you staying an extra day.
Anon
As the friend hearing this, I would assume that you didn’t want to stay with me for the extra day and therefor may not offer it even through I would be happy to have you stay.
Monte
It’s not an unreasonable thing to ask about, so you should feel like it is a legit question. But there are some variables — how close are you? Does she have a second bedroom or are you crashing on a couch? I would let my best friend stay a week even if I lived in a studio, but other folks not so much. But since I have two bedrooms, three nights would be absolutely no different than two even for a more casual friend. And I say that as an introvert who loves sitting in a silent house.
Cat
The extra night probably isn’t a big deal but if you’re not landing til midnight or something it would be super annoying to have to wait up (that is a long time past my normal bedtime) to make sure you got settled.
Anonymous
Origination credit question. I’m a junior partner and working to build my book. I do a lot of work for a senior partner who is sometimes involved in his own cases but usually he passes them off to me. These cases typically involve working with other lawyers for the same client (ie the deal lawyers for the transaction that’s the subject of litigation). I’ve been getting calls from these lawyers to help with new matters for different clients. That origination credit is mine right? Is it weird if I don’t tell the senior partner that I connected with the referral source by working on his matter? Does it make a difference if the referral source also referred the prior matter to the senior partner and had now chosen to call me instead (this hasn’t happened yet)? I don’t know what the partner would say if I asked, but I suspect if he thought he had any basis to claim the credit he would and he would not split it with me.
Anon
Would that new client have walked in the door but for the connection to you?
OP
Probably not. In these instances, the referring lawyers had never spoken with the senior partner.
Anon
That is now your client. Do not offer to share the credit with the senior partner. And honestly, I would probably not mention to him how the client was referred. But give him a chance to steal your credit and money
Cat
wait you’re getting totally unrelated work? unless there’s something really odd about your partnership agreement that sounds like yours to me…
Anonymous
At my firm you would be the originator. Doesn’t mean you wouldn’t rub the senior partner the wrong way though!
Anonymous
can I ask an honest question – when people say “the silence has been deafening” do they mean their friends? are we supposed to be making position statements on social media (where i don’t post a lot! garden pictures on IG and very occasionally memes on FB), or reaching out individually? i hate hamas but don’t know about politics over there enough to choose on the palestine vs israel general issues. many of my friends are jewish.
Anon
I don’t think that applies as much to people who never post on social media, but I know many Jewish friends are saddened by seeing their friends who previously NEVER missed denouncing an atrocity (George Floyd, Ukraine, and others) suddenly going very obviously silent. In those cases, it feels like a real slap in the face. It’s announcing that while you care in general about horrible events, you don’t think what Hamas did qualifies.
Anon
This. I also think to your point about not understanding the politics of the region, you don’t need a nuanced understanding of the history to condemn a terrorist attack, so when people say they don’t know enough to comment it’s hurtful. (Can you imagine people saying that after 9/11?)
Emma
I’ve seen plenty of “I don’t know enough about this to comment on the politics but I do know that harming innocent civilians and children is wrong” and I think that’s fine. I also don’t think there is an obligation to post on social media (I personally never do, except cute pictures of my kid every couple of weeks), but it’s nice to acknowledge it if you are talking to someone who you know may be affected.
Anon
Yeah, I’m the 12:05 poster and I definitely agree. I don’t use social media much either, so I definitely don’t expect a social media statement from everyone, but when you are posting about every tragedy and then have nothing to say about this one, it’s hurtful.
Anon
yes, this is a good explanation. if you only post pics of your cat and havent posted anything on social media about Hamas’ attack, i don’t care. if you post about ever other atrocity and not this one, i care. also, life happens off of social media too. my former boss reached out to me (i’m jewish) and it meant so much
Anon
+1 to all this. Personal outreach means a lot, performative outreach only matters when you make a big show of highlighting every negative event except one.
Anon
This exactly. If you never post about current events, o need to start now. But if you’re that person who can’t resist posting about everything and you’re quiet now or gaslighting, I’m noticing.
Anonymous
IDK, I worry about this a little too. I’m very very firmly in camp “no lawn signs” and “no banners on Facebook” about literally every issue. I’ve texted my close Jewish friends or made comments when together in person that make it clear I support them. I have LGBTQ+ friends and black friends and don’t host lawn signs that support them either. I have friends that run for political office and don’t put lawn signs up. I attend rallys, host political meet & greets, go to Pride events, speak out for racial inequity at town meetings, join candidate facebook groups and whatnot.
We live on a main road in town and we took a hard line on yard signs when we moved in.
Anonymous
This one I really don’t get – people aren’t looking to you for endorsements it’s just a sign! I will say I have a neighbor running for office now and she would suck in the role (school board) so I don’t have any signs up for any school board candidates, even though I strongly support one of the other candidates and it kills me because she could use the name recognition.
Anon
I joke that our household’s political views are that we don’t believe in bumper stickers or lawn signs. But it’s true that we reject all requests to put out a sign because they are taking a public stance and encourage uncivil behavior on both sides in our town. I vote, I donate, and I go to candidate meet-and-greets, and I consider that enough. I don’t need the crazy left- and right- extremists targeting my house.
anon
Honestly, the seeming societal expectation to make an appropriate social media statement about every single high-profile world or US political event was a major reason I quit all social media. It’s this bizarre, performative ritual, and yet it’s so widespread that not engaging in it, at this point, can cause real hurt to people you care about AND in some circumstances have negative repercussions even as far as your professional life. I was a very heavy user of social media and had a ton of social media friends that I didn’t even know IRL. All of that is gone, but I’m happier,
I’ve spent about 30 minutes a day for the last 10 days checking in directly on friends and colleagues that I know are directly impacted by the terrorist attacks, the resulting military mobilization in Israel, or the bombing of Gaza. I’m glad to have freed my emotional resources to do that personal outreach to people I care about rather than trying to figure out how to properly word an Instagram caption – and I’ve freed myself from being in the position, if (God forbid) I am ever impacted by a public tragedy, of having to wonder whether this sort of network of parasocial digital relationships care about what’s happened to me.
Anon
Yeah, I have SM for my family and to follow certain niche interests but I don’t make political statements, I don’t change my avatar etc. Not all of one’s friends should be expected to do this. It’s performative and makes me roll my eyes when I see it.
anonymous
+1 I quit social media for other reasons, but not seeing people’s statements nor having to craft my own for a public audience is great. Most people who don’t have a staff of thoughtful people are pretty bad at writing messages for a public audience. I have no reason to think that anyone wants to hear general pronouncements from me on anything, nor that any public statement I would make would be of comfort.
To me, sending condolence notes or reaching out to check on the wellbeing of friends and family is much more meaningful and fosters closer relationships. I know that checking on family and friends brings comfort to them, and also makes me feel like I’m at least a tiny bit useful to someone in a difficult time.
Anon
Someone in my town put up print-outs reading “KIDNAPPED” with a color photograph and information about specific Israelis being held hostage. I was glad to see this. I once had to call the city works people about a swastika spray-painted on the bike path and I there have been other notable antisemitic incidents as well. I’m glad to see that there are people who care. Sometimes the “performance” matters.
Anonymous
There was a story about this in the NYT today – it’s an Israeli artist!
Anon
There was a great article in the NYT about this this morning: “I Don’t Have to Post About My Outrage. Neither Do You.”
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/10/17/opinion/social-media-israel-palestine.html?unlocked_article_code=vuWg3BHcxznauR89TvfSPCjkGL51dd0qC4ngKtgJIeYTF91aNpVNpBdAgiBiU33n4ApTJ3LdCIQpB_1l9Qz4q2hDuG9OOmM49H92EOmdxBuxDQHbm1t8yXhNe3DUO4VydPZ-Kd_JGHURGV64q9__Zrf_Wp8_baPF9p95nEfAUS3BzEi53Vaygxdd6JYRRfNzYMPXVOkQ-zSrTE6ex0RB4Dvhd_m4uhJrq7xoNGQoCvCCx2C6PAHVnysUkFeOLnBYz1Qa6QWTmUPwU2Ak6fVBmq4qXgVfgsuRPmWCMCGEXXBkrx_hm_WyCJxIFII9vGf0kkYLgNNZBe98fPzeDBYR2nk0cPoN0DU&smid=url-share
Anon
I’m disappointed in this “silence is deafening and means you’re condoning it” attitude. I don’t need to make a post every time a catastrophe happens, whether it’s a natural disaster, coup (Niger recently), presidential assassination (Haiti), police brutality, war, terrorist attack, s3xual assault, etc. Of course my silence doesn’t mean I condone it, and my friends who I’m connected with should know that. Solidarity statements seem performative at best on social media. I also try to put healthy boundaries to not only share the negative, especially what may be very triggering to friends and acquaintances.
ANon
the silence is deafening if you are someone who posts about everything else under the sun and not about this as it sounds like you are not, no one is referring to you.
Anon
This. If you’re noisy about everything else and not this, I’ve noticed.
Anon
FWIW, we are Jewish and DH is Israeli.
I appreciate people who connect (even if we are not regularly in contact) to ask how our family in Israel is (we were lucky: they live in the North and were not affected by the massacre, but they have been called up to their reserve units, so they will soon be in danger). I also appreciate people who express that “what happened” was that Hamas invaded a sovereign country solely to massacre people and did massacre people.
If all you have to say is that “there are very fine people on both sides,” it’s probably better that you don’t reach out to me.
Anon
Agree with this. I’m also Jewish American with family in the north of Israel that was not harmed in the attack but has now been called up to military service.
My friends have all reached out personally, and I really appreciate it. It doesn’t have to be a political statement. “I’m thinking of you and hope your family is ok” is enough, and not in any way political. Honestly, what has hurt me the most is the total silence from work. My colleagues all know I’m Jewish, and I’ve mentioned to many that we have family in Israel, and not one has said anything. It’s not hugely surprising to me, but it is really disappointing.
Anonymous
I’m never sure because most people I know are culturally Jewish, not religious, from Israel, with family in Israel, or big travels to Israel… so “reaching out” particularly in this would be like reaching out to a rich, republican black friend about BLM – it feels like I’m stereotyping?
Anon
I don’t think it’s stereotyping. I’m a VERY secular Jew and I have family in Israel by marriage. I think a lot of American Jews actually know someone there,, but even if they don’t I don’t think a “thinking of you, hope you’re doing ok” is offensive. I can’t speak for others, but I would welcome it even if I didn’t have family there.
No Problem
Some scammers seem to have gotten ahold of my cell phone number and are calling me multiple times (5+) per day from different 888 numbers. Is there any way to make this stop? Blocking the numbers wouldn’t work because they are all different. Does picking up and telling them to go fug themselves actually work, or will that just make them call me even more because now they know it’s a working number?
Anon
I get so many spam calls that I just had to stop all unknown callers from ringing. If I’m expecting an important call from an unknown number I temporarily turn that setting off for the day.
NYC
This happens once or twice a year to me. It should stop in a few days. In the meantime, just ignore the calls/silence your phone.
Trixie
blocking the numbers eventually works…ask me how I know.
Anonymous
Never pick up and keep blocking. Eventually they will stop as that info goes into whatever computer program generates the calls.
Anon
LOL, welcome to 2023.
Anon
Have you looked into what call filters your provider offers? What about an app like Hiya? And if you don’t get frequent or urgent calls from numbers outside your contacts, you can silence all unknown callers.