ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 297 Comments

Thursday’s TPS Report: Straight Leg Ponte Knit Pants

·
Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. MICHAEL Michael Kors Straight Leg Ponte Knit PantsI'm not big on shorter pants for the office, but these highly-reviewed pants (77 mostly positive reviews) look great for what they are — comfortable, flattering, and affordable. I also like that they come in a wide range of sizes for both regulars and petites. They're $74.50 at Nordstrom. MICHAEL Michael Kors Straight Leg Ponte Knit Pants Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

297 Comments

  1. I wear shorter pants to work all of the time, and see people wearing them downtown too. I’m tall so trying to find long enough pants is just too difficult.

    1. I’m short and I wear these types of pants all the time. It’s easier than getting regular pants hemmed and I can wear flats or heels with them, depending on my mood.

  2. I’m tall so I wear these types of pants all of the time- it’s too hard trying to find pants long enough.

    1. Ditto. For the same reason I like the skinny jeans trend, I’m a fan of ankle length pants. They’re supposed to be intentionally short! Unlike a flared pant that looks weird floating an inch above your shoe, these can end above your ankle and still look fine :)

  3. Immediate threadjack; apologizes if someone already asked this yesterday: I need a new RSS feeder since Google Reader is going away. Anyone have one that is similar in style?

    1. I’d like to hear recommendations too!

      Feedly (though its Google Reader powered now) is apparently building an engine that will work just like Google Reader.

      But if you hop devices, I don’t think there’s anything quite as useful as Google Reader, unfortunately. I’m really disappointed in Google’s decision, since most people I know use Reader (and I’m only 25 so it’s not like Google Reader is going the way of AOL…)

      1. Try searching for “alternative to google reader”. It looks like Feedly is one option or maybe NewsBlur. I use Reader a lot a work when I need a quick break to check blogs, so I’m stuck with IE. I hope I can find something compatible. I’m really ticked off it’s being retired.

      3. I’m also disappointed because over the last few years, I’ve cultivated a long list of blogs I like plus starred items. How will I distract myself at work without Google Reader?!

      4. I’m trying out Feedly for a while. With settings, I’ve somehow managed to get it to look/feel *mostly* like my GoogleReader. The annoying thing is that it doesn’t give me everything in one stream, but keeps selecting a couple of posts from each category to add in a stream – so I have to refresh the streams often to get everything…

    3. We use Google Reader for work (scan a lot of headlines to compile a newsletter). Everyone’s really upset it’s going away

    4. That’s really interesting. I use iGoogle, which is also going away (in October, I think). I like it because it lays out my feeds in a way that I can easy see them. I asked my colleagues about a replacement and they said Google Reader. So I guess that’s a non-starter. Has Google said what will replace it or do they think RSS is dead?

      1. I think they will not replace it and are trying to push people to Google+ (or other social services). But for me, Google Reader isn’t a social reader (and I don’t want it to be), so that isn’t that useful for me.

        1. Not a fan of Google+; I don’t even use it b/c it doesn’t fit in with my workflow.

          I’m trying out feedly right now; it’s okay in the short amount of time this AM when I’ve been using it.

        2. Right, Google+ is not the same thing. I want to have something where I can view all my sites in one place. I also liked the functionality in reader to star posts and add tags. It was a great way for me to keep track of beauty products I liked from makeup blogs and recipes from food blogs. I guess I’m getting old and resistant to change, but this is so annoying to me!

        3. Yes, I don’t want other people to see what I’m reading. Even if I can block it, I don’t want social functionality in case I accidentally share it or accidentally like something, etc.

    5. Also in the sad/slightly freaking out camp. I use Reeder on my iPad and the developer claims it will still work after the switch, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed. I wonder if I should backup my favorite blogs’ addresses just in case though…

    6. So upset, I use Reader all the time on multiple devices. Why are they getting rid of it!

    7. I think I’m most likely going to switch over to NewsBlur — looks like it’s clean and simple like Google Reader with all the same features, although it is $12/year. But I’d recommend waiting to try out new sites, because all the alternatives are completely overloaded with new traffic right now from everyone fleeing Google Reader before they’ve had a chance to upgrade servers.

    8. Whoa, thanks for the warning! I hadn’t heard this yet. I use Reader every day!

  4. I think these are cute, but I always have trouble finding a pair that works for me because I have short legs. Even with tailoring, they always look off somehow.

    Does anyone know of good resources for learning about Imposter Syndrome? I’m reading The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie You g right now and finding it fascinating, and hopefully helpful. I’d love to find other books or blogs or articles on the topic.

    1. “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women” sounds super interesting – I’ll have to check it out!

    2. I’m reading Sheryl Sandberg’s book right now, and she also has a section on Imposter Syndrome, with cites to other more scholarly articles that discuss it.

      1. How are you liking the book? It’s on my list of things I want to read, but I haven’t had a chance to start it yet.

        1. Admittedly I’m only about 50 pages in, but so far I have mixed feelings about it. Some of it is helpful, just hearing that some of the things I’ve faced/felt aren’t unique to me, but at the same time, I feel like her message is a little all over the place at times, and even makes me self concious about past behavior that I previously didn’t second guess (being openly proud of accomplishments, aggressive in debates/negotiations, etc.). I’m hoping as I get further into the book, she brings things together a little more clearly.

  5. Ugh, just found out today that Google Reader is being retired. I use the service to keep track of so many blogs. It’s especially helpful for food blogs, b/c I can star and tag my favorite recipes. It’s going down July 1st. Off to find an alternative!

    2. You don’t specify if you’re using google reader on android or windows, etc. If you’re using it on android, an awesome RSS feed reader I use is RSSDemon (there may be other versions, I just use this on my smartphone). It allows you to star posts too.

  6. These pants sound incredibly comfortable. Like yoga pants, but acceptable for the office.

    1. I’m wondering how much they stretch? My Loft ponte pants leave me with saggy diaper b*tt by the end of the day.

      2. Ugh I hate loft sizing right now. I have the ponte pants in a size 4 (I’m between a 4-6) and they are big on me. When am I a size 2? Really? But I did buy ponte knit pants from anne taylor and they are better quality/fit.

        1. Agree. Sizing these days is out of control – including at Loft. Crazy – in no universe should I be a 2.

          I have also had difficulty buying multiple pairs of pants from Loft of the same size (simple stretch skinny cords) and finding one pair too big, one pair too small. Way too much standard error…

          I have also experienced diaper butt in my similar ponte pants from Nordstrom – Vince Camuto. I even went to the trouble to have the waist altered (mistake on cheaper pants… until you know how they wear…) and the butt looks terrible after a few hours.

          *like* the diaper butt description….

          1. And in no universe should I be wearing 3 sizes smaller than when in HS, though I’ve gained at least 15 pounds.

      3. I have these pants and really like them. I don’t find them saggy, but haven’t tried other ponte pants. I think it helps that they have a real waist band with a zipper and a hook, and are not the pull on style.

        FYI, I have noticed some slight pilling on the inner thighs after several months of wear, but nothing too terrible.

          1. I found them pretty true to size. It is the same size I wear at BR, etc. A size smaller than I wear at Theory. I am shortish (5’4″) and wanted them to hit at the ankle, so I got the petite size.

    2. I own these–they kind of remind me of the weight of stirrup pants that were so popular in the 80s (now I’m really dating myself). The stretch/sag factor isn’t bad at all but they pill something fierce. I’ve only worn a couple of times since they are wearing so poorly.

  7. I like wearing ankle pants as well because I’m petite and they don’t drown me. But depending on the material sometimes they shrink in the wash and become capris.

  8. Aargh, surprise weekend getaway begins in 3 hours and I need to get actual work done between now and then. Struggling to find the motivation.

      1. So looking forward to it! Made a list of what I need to do when I get back on Monday and am putting it away. Tablets, laptops, and journal articles are not allowed so I’m looking forward to a proper break. I know where we are going but no idea what the agenda is so that’s exciting!

  9. Having the issue where today’s post isn’t showing up on the homepage again, and can only get to it by clicking yesterday’s, then “next post”. Firefox.

    1. From the homepage, this post is showing up but is only showing as 5 comments. Using Google Chrome on a PC.

      1. On Chrome Version 25.0.1364.97 m on my home PC (old Windows OS–7?).

        No problems at all.

        PS, my Chia pudding tastes better as day 2 leftovers,

        1. You’re making me want to make this, Karen. I throw some Chia seeds into my oatmeal for the crunch in the AM and there’s a recipe for CHOCOLATE chia pudding on the package.

  10. Just wanted to chime in and say that the urban legend is true: I’ll be in federal jury trial next week and the judge explicitly requires women to wear skirt suits with hose. She (she!) actually tells you that pants are unacceptable for women in her judge-specific rules.

    Sigh.

    1. I’ve heard this for federal court before, but not experienced it firsthand as I typically don’t practice in federal court. Are you in the Southeast by chance? Wondering if it’s a regional thing.

      1. Not in the Southeast, but I think this may be an age thing. This judge is well over 80 years old.

        1. My favorite lovely circuit judge is well over 80 years old and has no such predilection (I have never seen her in a skirt or a dress).

    2. Wow, that is disappointing. Are there equally strict rules about men’s attire? Not quite sure what those would be, but maybe suit, tie, and jacket buttoned while standing?

    3. Wow. I have to stay away from pantyhose for medical reasons (can’t have the elastic digging into the damaged part of my guts) so I almost exclusively wear pant suits. I can wear them a day or so here and there but could never wear them for two weeks straight for a jury trial. I’m actually recovering from a very minor surgery (cyst removal) and can wear loose pants or skirts only. No leggings, hose, or tight pants for 3 weeks. I would really hate to have to have the awkward conversation with the judge about why I medically could not abide with her dress code. I actually have a federal trial coming up in my district and haven’t noticed a skirts only rule. I’ll be at a small mentoring event with a different federal judge from my state (also female) and will try to confirm that pants are okay before all judges in our federal district.

        1. That was my old go-to until they fell down on me in public once. I could never master the garter belt look without it showing through my skirt.

    4. I have heard of this happening in a fed ct in Texas as well. Apparently the paralegals on that trial team all had to run to the mall to buy skirts for the trial. And it was a female judge. Obviously depends on the quirks of the judge — I have worn pants in many federal courts.

      1. Sounds like it could be the same judge. Ask me how excited I am about having to buy and wear maternity hose to wear with my pieced-together maternity skirt suits…

          1. Do a trial run though. Thigh highs fall down on me and the garter belt always shows through my skirt a bit. Not in a see through way but in a “it is obvious there is a clip on your leg” kind of way. It doesn’t show standing still in front of the mirror but if I’m walking and the material is flush against my skin the outline is there.

    5. That is disappointing.

      Mercifully, out here in California we actually have a state law requiring employers to permit women to wear pants to work. The reason I know about it is that there was a very very senior justice at the state Court of Appeal in Los Angeles who always required her female research attorneys to wear skirts until that law was enacted!

      1. Although now that I think about it, a judge is not the emplyer of attorneys who appear before her, so I guess she can impose whatever dress code strikes her fancy. Although again, out here in California she would almost certainly be brought up before the Commission on Judicial Performance and told to cut it the heck out.

  11. I’m 5’7″ and a curvy size 14. Pretty evenly proportioned with respect to legs vs torso. I used to be solidly hourglass, but age is turning me more pear-shaped. I love the ankle pant look, especially in fun colors like kelly green or cobalt. However, I’ve been really hesitant to try this look because I can already have serious issues finding pants that fit over my thighs and hips, and I’m afraid the straight line effect would be ruined on me. Has anyone else with a similar body style been successful with the straight ankle pants?

    1. I have a similar body shape as you and find that GAP pants work well for me. Not the best quality, but they fit well.

      1. Gap is having a site wide 30% off today. GAPFRIENDS.

        I have been loving GAP pants lately.

        1. Thanks! It even includes denim bottoms and maternity!! I’ve been wanting a code so I could buy their white jeans.

        2. Do you guys do the slim cropped pants of the skinny mini skimmers? I kind of love the colors of the slim cropped, but they look a little shorter than I was thinking — I don’t want to veer into the crops my 60 year old mother is always suggesting I buy from places like Coldwater…

    2. Same figure to a tee. I have a pair from Gap circa 2004 that I adore, in stretch poplin. They are very flattering. I’m going to be lucky to get one more season out of them – and then I’m very literally going to use them as a pattern to make more.

  12. TJ : I’m trying to figure out how best to order Reiss items from Canada. Are there any Canadian sites that sell Reiss online? Yesterday’s thread referenced Bloomingdales (which ships to Canada in general) but they don’t show Reiss as available for shipping to Canada. Thanks for any suggestions!

    2. Did you try looking at Reiss directly? I think they charge $25 for worldwide delivery…

      1. I saw the direct site (great shipping rate!) but I was hoping to find somewhere that includes customs duties as that makes it much easier to see the real total cost.

  13. Threadjack —

    Ok, I need some insight on travelling with singles groups. I am 34 years old, not married, no kids, and I love to travel and really want to do more of it. The problem is that I am now finding myself at a point where most of my girlfriends are married (+ kids) and can’t just get away, or are single but don’t necessarily have the funds or the time to go (or in some cases, even the desire to go). Not that I’m rolling in dough, but I’m fortunate enough to have a steady job with good income that allows me to take vacation time. And, I need to take it. I work in a high stress job and quite frankly, I am just burned out. I need to go somewhere.

    I have heard a little about travel companies that organize singles trips but when I googled last night, I was overwhelmed. There are apparently a lot of these companies, and they go virtually everywhere. Have any of you guys used them? If so, do you recommend any of them? Are they just outrageously expensive? When you went, were there other people in their 30s and 40s, or was it mostly an older crowd ? I know many singles do travel on their own, but I don’t think that I would feel completely comfortable with that (and my parents would freak out!!!). Plus, I like the idea that they plan the trip. Any insight from the hive would be greatly appreciated!

    1. This doesn’t apply specifically to singles travel groups, but DH and I did a trip with REI a while back and it was great. They have all kinds of activities you can pick from (we did ice climbing!) and our group was a mix of two couples plus two singles and two instructors. Since you’re engaged in an activity, conversation with others is easy and there’s a good group mentality. Normally my hubby and I travel on our own, but we were both very pleased with the REI group. Plus – its a good way to try something you’d never be able to do alone or on your own!

      1. Ooh! I have been really tempted by the REI trips. It sounds like you liked it? I’m single and a fairly adventurous traveler, but there are lots of outdoor-type vacations I don’t do because they’re not safe to do alone (wilderness trekking, climbing, etc.). Did you find that the logistics were well-handled? Did the guides seem appropriately experienced? I’ve never traveled with a tour operator before.

        1. The logistics were good and the guides were excellent. That being said, they were from a local outfitter (we were in rural Vermont) so if we were ever going to do that particular outing again, we’d likely contact them directly, to save money. However, I would imagine that REI screens all their providers as closely, so you’d likely get good guides no matter where/what you do. As a bonus, we each got a cute REI t-shirt and luggage tag. You can also get a discount on your first REI trip when you sign up for their membership. We’d love to do another trip that’s outside our comfort zone; its also a good way to try activities without buying all the gear yourself (and then finding out that it’s not your cup of tea…)

        2. Definitely taking notes. I have a hard time convincing friends to do outdoorsy trips with me – this sounds perfect!

        3. I’ve heard good things about REI, but have never been on one myself. I belong to a rock gym and they host a lot of outdoor climbing trips themselves, which I love. My gym has a fairly tight women’s club and a lot of the members team up and do other trips beyond the gym-sponsored ones. It’s a great place to find partners for outdoorsy activities.

    2. Also not specifically on singles travel groups, but I have a friend that does lots of livingsocial trips (China, Iceland, etc.), and she met a group of people (all singles that met on previous livingsocial trips) on her trips, and they have all become travel buddies. That becomes really helpful when they plan future trips, because with livingsocial/groupon type deals, if you get 3 friends to buy the deal, yours is free, so the 4 of them end up going on a trip for the cost of 3 people.

    3. My friend and I did a GAP trip several years ago to Africa was great, and a friend just did another GAP trip to India. Some people traveling with friends, a few couples, and a few singletons. It was great for meeting people and traveling with a group.

    4. I don’t have any experience, but I’ve been checking out g adventures for my next big trip (probably not for another year, since I just got home from Spain. so this is very preliminary), and they seem to have a fair number of solo travellers.

      I want a group because some of the places I want to go, I wouldn’t feel comfortable travelling alone, and I have a few friends that have travelled alone with them and said they had a great time, and there were generally about 1/2 solo travellers on their trips, my friends were in their early 20s and said most of the other treavellers were under 35 though, and I’m 25, just for a frame of reference.

    5. My rocket scientist, super shy but lovely cousin were just talking about his apprehension of traveling by himself so I encouraged him to take a trip like that . First trip like that ever and his first time breaking away from his group of coupled-up friends. He had a blast, met the love of his life and is now traveling all over the world to meet up with his new girlfriend (who unfortunately is from a different continent).

    6. I have joined several adventure related groups on meet up and some of them do some fntastic trips where a lot of people seem to be single. Of course, there is no screening of people whatsoever, but if the group has been around for a while with lot of membership and past travels, then I think that they should be relatively safe. Maybe try going for couple of local trips first to get a feel about the group.

    7. My first scuba trip was a scuba liveaboard with my dad. The group was cool; accommodations were very primitive. Looking back, it was a rough group so I wouldn’t go again without my dad or a strong boyfriend along.

      I went on a second singles-scuba trip when I was 27/28. It kind of sucked. Being scuba diving, we were in an AI resort that was out in the middle of nowhere so I couldn’t escape the group.

      The group: I had asked about the group and was assured it was singles of all ages–including others in their 20s. Turns out, they were all at least 20 years older than me. For the women, I became “the baby” who was lectured to about how my generation (their kids) were basically entitled slackers who still lived at home and needed help to pay a $60 cell phone bill. It was assumed that my parents had paid for my trip (not true), subsidized my life (not true), and that I still lived at home (not true). As to the men, I had to fend off creepy come-ons at every turn. I was in my room by 8pm every night to avoid seeing them drunk. Considering that, before the trip, I had to insist on not being assigned to share a room with a man, this was very disturbing.

      I’d only go on a singles trip again if I was able to meet the group (in person or online) before putting any money down.

    8. Another option is to find a workshop or camp type getaway for an activity in which you are interested. I have single friend who went to surfing camp in Costa Rica and met people that way.

    9. My brother has been doing organized cycling vacation trips as a single. Last year went through some of the great National Parks out West, and he is thinking about doing one in Italy that involves biking and eating/wine tasting (!). He has really enjoyed them. But in general, people do tend to be a bit older… which surprised me since the biking is quite rigorous. I guess it makes sense though, for the same reasons that you find it difficult to have a friend take a vacation with you now. Older people have more money, time (kids are grown) and flexibility – in general. It is also definitely a wealthier crowd… but often very interesting folks.

    10. Also, not specifically a “singles” trip, but I have done solo trips through Earthwatch. These are fairly structured, since you are assisting with research projects. But, as others have mentioned with the REI trips, they are really easy to get to know your group since you’re all focused on a common activity. Highly recommend.

    11. I have a friend in your boat who uses Contiki. However, she’s in her early/mid twenties so there might be a bit of an age gap, I’m not sure what the average age on their tours is. She loves it though – lots of adventure based activities. She also met some friends on a tour that she now travels with.

      1. I’ve been on Contiki at 21, oldest person was 28. It caps at 35, but you will feel much too old for the group if you go over 30.

      2. I also went on a Contiki trip to Italy as a single when I was 26. I had an absolute blast, met three of my closest friends (also single, mid/late twenties) on the trip and now we are all travel buddies. Contiki caters to a younger demographic, and I’ve heard that GAP and Tauck tours are more suitable for an older crowd. I definitely encourage you to find a trip that sounds fun and go! Contiki made it easy for us to connect online before we went, which I appreciated.

    12. I’ve heard good things about the Backroads singles and solos trips. All their trips look amazing. I would totally do something like this.

  14. How does The Hive feel about the particular length of these pants (as shown in the photo)? I just bought two pairs of pants very similar to this, and I need to have them altered. I was actually trying a length ever-so-slightly shorter than shown, but I’m a petite. Thoughts?

    1. I like the idea of pants at this length but don’t like how they look on me. Something about the loose fit around the ankles makes me think of pants that shrunk. In unrelated news, I’m very excited to have gotten tix for Book of Mormon!

    2. I wear my ankle pants hemmed ever-so-slightly shorter than the pair in Kat’s post.

  16. What kind of fun things would you do to your hair if you didn’t have to worry about your professional image? The inspiration for this question is that I’m currently taking a short hiatus from my professional career to SAH with my daughter. I feel like this is the time to do something a little fun with my hair, but I’ve been rocking the professional shoulder-length work-appropriate brunette hairstyle so long I feel a little out of the loop on fun ideas. Any inspiration for me?

    1. Also, does anyone have tips for a website where you can “try on” different hairstyles and colors with a photo? Something fairly high quality/realistic, and also with a variety of funky hairstyle options?

      1. I think InStyle (the magazine) allows you to do this, or has an app that let’s you try celebrity hairstyles on an uploaded picture of yourself.

      2. I would do some awesome chunks of a really bright color woven in on the bottom.

    2. add in a little ombre to the bottom front pieces of your hair! something nice and subtle, in a caramel color. I think it looks so cool when you can tuck a piece of caramel-colored hair behind your ear!

    3. I have a pixie cut, brunette hair, that’s styled to look unkempt. Personally, if I were not in biglaw, I’d die it fire-engine red. Then again, I’m an artist in my other life, and call the suits I wear to work “lawyer drag.”

      I think more women would look fabulous with pixie cuts — admittedly I was hesitant myself until the hairdresser chopped off all of my waist-length hair at once, 11 years ago. I haven’t looked back since. Rock it with some highlights…

      2. I agree that the pixie is wonderful on so many women. In fact, I used to wear my hair pretty short, but — alas — a few extra pounds right now means a too-round face. That, plus a husband who *loves* my hair makes this a no-go personally …

      3. We must be kindred spirits–I am dying to color my pixie navy blue. And yes, I agree, many women would look so much better in pixies.

      4. I went pixie a couple years ago and love it. Now I’m trying different variations of the cut with bangs and assymetry.

      5. “lawyer drag” is a hilarious way to think of it. I really struggle with whether I want to make my BigLaw wardrobe feel mine and comfortable, or simply view it as a lawyer costume I have to wear (like the branded shirts I had to wear waiting tables). Lawyer drag is a perfect way to describe the latter point of view.

        I might go pixie, which I feel like is pretty out there for BigLaw women under 50.

      6. I posted earlier in the week about planning to chop off all my hair on Friday–I’m now thinking that a pixie is the way to go, so all this pro-pixie talk is making me even more excited!

      7. I went pixie a few months ago and I will never go back. Bonus: I took a pic of Anne Hathaway’s pixie to my stylist as inspiration, and no fewer than three people have told me I look like her (including my now-favorite-child, my seven-year-old daughter, who saw AH on the red carpet on television).

    4. I would grow mine longer (it’s hard to blow dry straight that way, but I don’t blow dry except for work), and possibly get some alternatively colored streaks, which I’ve always thought would be fun. Maybe red or purple or blue.

    5. The best thing I ever did with my hair was dye the bottom layer a subdued deep purple. I have a dark brown bob with a few layers, so the result was that a bit of purple just peeked out at the tips. It was so fun and I got a lot of compliments. I did it when I worked in a funky retail shop, but when I transitioned to a more laid-back office job, I was able to keep it because it wasn’t like a full head of neon purple. Dip dyeing (kinda like ombre but less “I forgot to touch up my roots” because it’s mostly the tips) with fun colors is also a thing.

      1. My stepdaughter has done both the bottom layer purple and then after that washed out, dyed just the bottom 2 inches of her hair purple. This would be genius for someone like you because you could always cut the purple part off if you just dyed the tips and the bottom layer was really only noticeable when she wore a ponytail.

    6. My friend who is a WAHM (also a lawyer) got purple streaks in her otherwise brunette hair. It looks great!

        1. That one looks more plum than purple – these were a bit wider and more purply. Maybe try pink in the summer? :)

      2. When I was in college, I wanted to get purple or pink streaks (I have dark blonde hair). If I didn’t have to worry about going to Court, then I would totally do it (or maybe ombre instead of streaks).

    9. How about giving your hair a break from dying, straightening, blowdrying, etc. Not fun but healthy.

      1. I’m totally with you, but that’s actually my norm. I’ve had a wash-and-wear style in my natural color for many years. I’ve been proud of healthy that keeps my hair, but, yes, I’m getting bored.

    10. I would dye it Anne of Green Gables red, and wear Marcel waves or Victory Rolls (different decades, I know) every day.

    11. I have a longer bob with blunt straight bangs and I’d keep the cut, but would get funky with the color. I’d love to dye the bangs and a small section on either side a different color, or bleach them platinum (I’ve done this before, but with a color that was only slightly different than my normal color). I’ve also been coveting lavender hair lately and would love to do that, though it would wreak havoc on my hair.

      Semi-related TJ – does anyone have a skunk stripe and get away with it in their workplace? I’m in my late 20s and have had a white streak of hair smack dab in the middle of my bangs for a long time. I dye my hair, but I’ve had the urge to stop dying this section and maybe even bleach a little more to emphasize it. Part of me (probably the covetous, impatient part) wants to just do it, but I have an unquantifiable nagging hesitation over it. Am I being ridiculous?

      1. I was going to say I hate the skunk stripe look but I’m thinking of something people dye into their hair. I’d cut you some slack if it was natural, though I personally would probably cover this myself.
        I am very surprised by how into dyes everyone here seems to be. I’ve never in my life dyed my hair or had any inclination to try, especially a color not found in nature. Sounds like the only reason you all don’t have crazy hair is because you want to maintain a professional look but were it not for your job you would do it? Or you all are just goading DC into doing something you would never actually do?

        1. “Or you all are just goading DC into doing something you would never actually do?”

          Excellent question. :)

  17. For Francie Nolan re: BVI-

    My sister lives and works in the BVI, and I have been down there many, many times and LOVE it!

    It depends what island you are staying on but if you are going to virgin gorda, you have to check out the baths and savannah bay (great snorkeling), snorkel/dive the invisibles, dive the wreck of the Rhone, dive the chikuzen, eat at fat virgin (accessible by boat only), take a day trip to anegada. Other things to do are to check out check out Peter Island, Norman Island, Cooper Island, soggy dollar bar, willy t’s, the list goes on!!!

    If you don’t have your dive certification, Ben and Kay from Kilbrides Sunchaser Scuba at the Bitter End Yacht Club are AMAZING teachers (and SUPER safe) and offer a “resort course” that will allow you to dive in the BVI with them during your vacation.

    Overall the BVI is known for great snorkeling and diving so make sure to take advantage of your time there!

    Email me at boardroombelles (at) googlemail (dot) com if you have questions – I’m happy to help!

  18. Threadjack:

    I’m trying to find a pair of gold glitter pumps for under $80. So far, I like the Ivanka Trump Kaydena and the Nine West Caress (have coupons for both- links to follow). I thought there would be a lot more out there— any recs appreciated!

    Also, what seems to be the consensus about Ivanka Trump shoes? Are they comparable to Nine West or slightly better quality?

    2. I can only speak for the flats, not the heels, but Ivanka Trump is much higher quality than Nine West. They look better, last longer, are more comfortable.

    3. I have two pairs of Ivanka Trump shoes, purchased in the past couple of months, and I think they are of higher quality than Nine West. The patent leather is real leather, not plastic. I have found them to run large. Both pairs I have are a half size smaller than what I usually wear. Have you looked at Enzo Angiolini? They’re under the same brand umbrella as Nine West but, I think, slightly higher quality and they’ve had some pretty glitter pumps (Smile was a style I looked at last year).

        1. Agreed! Bought some Ivanka Trump boots and booties a few months ago and love them. I’m a die hard Kate Spade Karolina (pump) fan, but I’m now willing to consider an Ivanka Trump shoe as well.

    4. I have these Nine West shoes in Pewter color, and I get TONS of compliments when I wear them. They also come in gold:

      http://www.dsw.com/shoe/nine+west+flax+pump?prodId=274386

      So far the quality is good; I keep them in the box at home and in a shoe bag when I traveled with them (to a wedding). I haven’t lost much glitter at all. They’re comfortable and I’d recommend them.

    5. I recently discovered Ivanka Trump shoes too. I have a pair of boots and a pair of pumps. Really like them both. Good quality and have gotten many compliments on both. They look much more expensive than Nine West (which I’ve had bad luck with recently).

  19. I have a lunch interview-type-thing with a guy from a small boutique firm on Monday. He chose the place– a casual burger spot. I get the feeling that this is one of those “we see your meet our qualifications and just want to check you out and see if you would fit in” type meetings and that they are fairly serious about me as a candidate. I’m assuming I should still wear a suit, right? What about a light grey suit rather than something super formal?

    1. I think I would still wear a suit, but I would make sure to wear a shirt underneath that I didn’t mind wearing without a jacket. Then I would probably take my jacket off right away.

    2. I’ve been to a few of these. I’d do either a casual day suit (e.g., not seasonal now, but for one I wore a brown tweedy suit/lavender top/brown metallic kitten heels), or business casual with a jacket (e.g., black pencil skirt and heels, emerald silk top and ivory wool jacket). I don’t think that you necessarily need (or want) to wear a suit, but I’d definitely wear a jacket.

  20. For those who have bunions / problem feet – are there any particular materials that you feel are more comfortable than others? I am in my first year of working (formal end of business casual) and invested in leather / patent leather shoes. But I feel like they and other manmade materials are stiff. My feet are always hurting, and it’s not usually in the balls of my feet. Is it wishful thinking for me to hope that there is a material (like a really soft suede) that is more comfortable? I just wish I could wear wool socks all day!

    1. Leather isn’t manmade, and after a year of wearing it should be soft. Are you having trouble width size squeezing the bunion in? I take mine to the shoe guy and have him stretch just that spot for me.

    2. Get a pair of shoe stretchers. Always buy real leather or suede and stretch them with the shoe stretchers. You can also get leather oil to apply in conjunction with the stretchers.

    3. Arcopedico shoes use a stretchy material. They aren’t the best-looking shoes, but they stretch to accommodate bunions.

    5. I have bunions too. I stay away from patent leather shoes, as they are crazy stiff. Suede and softer leather have more “give”. But for me, it’s more the design of the shoe that matters. I look for shoes with a wide toe box, and make sure I can wiggle my toes. No pointy shoes. It is not easy to find attractive shoes that work for bunions, but I’m coming to terms with that. Nothing makes me more unhappy that having aching feet all day long. Have you checked barking dog shoes? She has lots of suggestions for shoes for people with bunions (and other foot problems). Not always the most fashionable shoes, but will give you an idea of shapes, materials and brands that might work.

    7. Yes, soft leather and suede have more ease and are more comfortable for me. I was lucky to find 2 pairs of patent pumps (1 black, 1 nude-for-me) which are softer leather and have stretched to become very comfortable over time. I tried a pair of pumps with stretchy elastic around the opening, but the seam where the elastic and leather meet is actually awfully painful.

  21. I’m looking for suggestions on the best dry shampoo? I have brown hair, and I’d like something that works well with sweaty hair, if possible?

    And I remember all the drugstore product discussions where people really liked one drugstore mascara, but I forget if it was the one in the orange tube or purple tube? Google searching this site has failed me, because mascara is a surprisingly common result.

    1. I don’t use dry shampoo, so no recs from me there. However, I love the Covergirl Lash Blast in the orange tube.

    2. Salon Grafix Dry Shampoo… It is a drug store brand but by far the best I have ever tried!

    3. I sweat a lot when I’m exercising, and so far none of the dry shampoos I’ve tried let me avoid washing my hair at the gym, though a friend really loves the Bumble & Bumble one for post-workout touch-ups. Oscar Blandi and Ojon don’t work for me–I feel like I go through half the container before I see results. The keratin dry shampoo (which comes in brown, with a container that looks like a blush brush) was just messy and seemed best suited to really mild touch-ups.

      Right now, I’m using the brown Bumble & Bumble. It seems all right so far. Fekkai with the pointed-tip applicator also works all right for a day or two, but if I’m not careful, it feels like it builds up too much.

      1. Did you try the Oscar Blandi spray or powder? The powder is the best thing I’ve come across so far, but the spray seemed totally worthless. I love the smell, too. Only negative is that it can be a little messy. I’m really blonde so it isn’t horrific if I squeeze out too much. Someone brunette may not fair so well though.

        1. I tried the spray. I have trouble with powders because I’m always afraid I won’t brush thoroughly enough and fail to notice I’ve given myself a gray streak.

    5. Oops, just lost my comment. I sweat a lot when exercising, and I’ve yet to find a dry shampoo that lets me avoid washing my hair at the gym. But a friend swears by Bumble & Bumble post-workout.

      Ojon and Oscar Blandi don’t work for me–I feel like I use half the bottle before I see results. The keratin dry shampoo (brown; it comes in a container that looks like a blush brush) was okay for mild touch-ups, but not for really sweaty hair.

      The two that generally work for me are Bumble & Bumble (in brown) and Fekkai (with the pointed-tip applicator, which can lead to build-up if I don’t apply it carefully). I’m just starting to try the Oribe dry shampoo now–the regular shampoo is working great, so I’m optimistic.

    6. I have jet black hair and Kenra dry shampoo works great for me. Saves my gym hair too.

    7. I’ve never successfully used dry shampoo on sweaty hair… if I work out it basically guarantees I have to wash my hair. You might have better luck blow-drying the sweat out of your hair and following that with dry shampoo, instead of applying the powder/spray directly to sweaty hair.

      For second-day hair, I’ve had good luck using a bit of the Ojon dry shampoo (light blue bottle) to revive volume at my roots. The Suave keratin version is a decent (and much cheaper) substitute.

    8. Do a patch test first. I’ve never been allergic to anything in my life, but my splurge on the $24 Ojon dry shampoo at Sephora gave me full on contact dermatitis that took two weeks to clear. HORRIBLE.

    9. Klorane Dry Shampoo; it’s expensive at about $18.00 a pop, and less available now that Sephora doesn’t carry it (Drugstore.com does), but it’s the purest and least chemically smelling. As somone with chestnutty colored hair who only washes once a week and sweats pretty regularly throughout that time (that sounds way grosser than it actually is…or maybe not) it definitely works so long as you’re careful not to get a ton on your top layer of hair and focus on drying up your scalp oils underneath by working it in a bit.

      Make sure to get the non-aerosol pump; it’s wayyyyy more product and honestly more easily applied once you get the hang of it!

      1. The Klorane is spendy but I get one million uses out of the bottle. Plus, once the bottle starts to run low and you don’t get much out when you squeeze, the remaining product is easily decanted into the new bottle. Can’t do that with an aerosol spray can!

    10. B/c of The Hives’ recommendations in that thread, I bought the orange tube of mascara from CG and LOVE IT. Really, no flaking, stays with me all day. Thank you, Ladies!

    11. If you have sensitive skin/eyes, I’d stay away from most drug store mascaras. I’ve never used one that agreed with me.

      I like Batiste dry shampoo.

    12. Kevin Murphy dry shampoo. A bit on the expensive side but 100% worth it. I use it after the gym (I work out during lunch) in lieu of actually getting my hair wet and it makes my hair look great.

    13. Orange Tube – Cover Girl Lash Blast

      My favorite dry shampoo is Suave’s “professionals” line. It has a yellow-tinged metal spray bottle. For under $3, it performs as well as the $10+ brands.

    2. +2. My Tau Beta Pi chapter at college put on a “Pi Mile Run” road race that I always thought was a cute idea.

  23. Law School TJ
    I’m a 2L and I’m totally burned out. I have a summer job lined up (for which I’m eternally grateful and relieved) but my grades last semester (3.3 gpa) will cause me to lose my scholarship if I don’t get them up (a reasonable amount – nothing outrageous). I’m at the point where I’m dreaming about dropping out of law school because it’s just so miserable. I’d like to consider an anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication but I’m concerned that the amount of time it would take to find one that works for me would ruin the next 4-6 weeks, and screw me up just in time for finals. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

    1. I think you need to talk to a therapist and figure out whether you are actually depressed and it’s causing you to have issues, or whether you are fine and law school is just temporarily stressing you out (as it does for everyone). Medication is not a quick fix for situations where anyone would be stressed out.

    2. I think what you’re going through is fairly common. Law school is just miserable, I definitely wanted to drop out several times. Just keep trudging along, there is light at the end of the tunnel. 3L year is the best because you know what to expect and get to take more elective courses. Plus the more specialized courses are often taught by adjunct faculty who have a much more practical approach, which I enjoyed a lot more. 3L was most enjoyable for me and my grades were the best that year.

    3. Are you dreaming about dropping out of law school because law school itself is making you miserable, or are you dreaming about dropping out of law school because other non-law school factors are making you/your life unhappy/difficult, and your performance in school is simply the casualty of your overall depression?

      Either way, I think that a therapist plus possibly medication can’t hurt. If sounds like your current level of peace/happiness (not great) isn’t very sustainable for the next 4-6 weeks anyway, so you may as well take steps to try and improve rather than stick with the bad that you know.

      1. Thanks. I was in therapy for 10 months and recently stopped going because it just wasn’t helping. My therapist suggested a low dose of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety (apparently they use the same drugs in both types of meds), but didn’t push it.

        Law school is making me miserable. I just feel totally beat.

        1. Full disclosure, I currently see a therapist, and I find it very beneficial. However, I previously saw a different therapist and stopped for the same reason – it wasn’t helping. But “therapy” is too general to say that it helps you or it doesn’t – you need the right therapist, the right strategies, etc. Kind of like dating – just because someone looks great on paper and is a nice person doesn’t mean that they are right for you. I’d definitely encourage you to keep trying therapy and look for someone different.

          I don’t take any kind of anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication, but certainly encourage you to explore whatever you think might help you. If you are worried about possible stigmas, well, no one would look twice if you took medication to balance out your blood pressure, so I personally think that anyone who tries to make you feel bad for taking medication to balance out your mood/emotions can take a long walk off a short pier.

    4. Totally common. Exercise very regularly, eat really healthily, don’t drink (much) and you should make it through the next 4-6 weeks just fine. If you can at all afford it, promise yourself a present when you make it through. Also – try studying in a different studious environment – go to the social science library, undergrad library, coffee house where different grad students study etc. and try to avoid talking to anyone who is playing the my-outline-is-bigger-than-your-outline game.

      1. +1, with the caveat that having a drink on the couch when I get home in the evening has greatly improved my mental health.

      2. THIS. Really, when you’re busy, the easiest thing to let go is taking care of yourself, but that’s also what will make the biggest immediate difference in terms of bolstering your ability to manage stress and anxiety. I also find that setting up a routine is helpful. Going to bed and waking up at the same time. Eating the same breakfast every day, etc.

    5. Can you take a long weekend to yourself? I know you said you need to get your grades up, but in the long run, you can recover those four days, study-wise, and they might help you get your head in a better place. If you can afford it, what about going away for a weekend? You could visit a college friend, or drive somewhere an hour or two away? I’ve had very good luck with vrbo for cheaper-than-hotel rentals, and stayed in some really cool and relaxing places. Try to unplug- no email, phone, laptop, etc. Or bring a friend/visit a non-law school friend and remember what its like to have fun. :)

      Take care of yourself, law school is rough!

    6. It shouldn’t take very long for a doctor to figure out a medication that will work right for you. However, once you get one something, it is VERY difficult to get off. Some people have no problem, but I’ve been on and off of medication for depression and anxiety since high school when my sister died.
      For what it’s worth, my first 1 1/2 years in law school were awful grade-wise. The more I studied, the worse my grades were. I met with a Professor about it for months and he finally told me that I needed to talk to someone about taking anxiety meds b/c he saw no problem with my work product and same exams. It was the first time I was on anxiety meds. I booked four classes in my last 1 1/2 years of law school. Turns out, I had test anxiety. Thank God I figured that out before the Bar exam. (Passed that on the first try with flying colors.)
      In short, if you need the meds, take them. And I second what someone mentioned previously about not letting anyone make you feel bad about it. Depression is a legitimate medical condition and can be deadly, so take care of yourself.

  24. You know that weird kind of sour metallic smell that metal jewelry sometimes gets? Is there a way to get rid of that? Someone just gave me this awesome really chunky necklace with tons of different kinds of metal and beads going on, but is has that smell and I know it’s going to bug me.

  25. Hi everyone, I’m the op who posted yesterday about going on vacation with my bf and how to break the news to my controlling and tradition mother. Thank you to all who responded and did not take me for a troll. So I just told my mom last night that b and I have booked vacation plans and will be gone from x til y. To my surprise she just said “ok fine the choice is yours, just don’t do anything stupid” and that was that. Can I just say how relieved I am that there was no drama?

    3. Hooray! So glad to hear that–I love it when parents surprise you in a good way. Enjoy your trip :)

  26. Dating question…I have started hanging out with a new friend group over the past few months. One of the guys in the group who I’ve met about 3 times asked me to dinner and I don’t know how to respond. I have enjoyed talking to this guy, and I would probably say yes if I weren’t worried about losing a new friend group that I really like. If I got to know him better, I might be willing to risk the friend group. I think the right thing to do is turn him down for dinner, tell him I do want to get to know him better, but in the interest of staying a part of this new group, I think it’s better to get to know each other informally in the group hangouts than via a formal date, at least for now. How to word this e-mail so he knows I am not friend-zoning him (yet)?

    1. I think you should go on the date! Any friend group you’re going to lose for that isn’t really a great one to be joining in my book. And I don’t think there is a way to tell him, I’m into you but value the possibility of these new friends more, but maybe later, without putting him in the friendzone.

    2. For my two cents, I would just go to dinner. You don’t have to let it escalate into a full-on date. Just suggest a casual place to go or maybe even an activity and then get to know the guy better. If you do like him after that, do it again and if you don’t, the next time he asks you just suggest to bring other people from the group along this time and he’ll get the hint.

    3. Why not say yes? If you are interested in him, going to dinner together will be a great way to get to know him (sometimes it can be hard to get to know an individual person when hanging out with a group). One dinner/date is not going to excommunicate you from this friend group (and if it did, they probably aren’t worth staying with). True story: I became interested in a guy in my friend group and went on ONE date with him. It was a nice time and it was fun getting to know him better one-on-one. In the end, there were no major sparks and he never asked me on another date. And nothing bad happened. We both still hung out in the group together and it was no big deal.

    4. How are you going to get to know him better if you don’t go to dinner? I would say yes. I think what you want to avoid is garden parties or relationship right away, and make sure you know him better before that to decide if its worth the risk. A dinner date, even if you reject him, isn’t going to get you kicked out of the friend group.

      1. +1 to this. Don’t do anything that would lead to you getting overly emotionally attached (which can include fantasizing about your future together as a couple…sadly guilty of that) and keep things light between the two of you and you *should* be fine regardless of whether a romance develops.

    5. Thanks everyone! Want to add one more factor in the situation to see if it changes the answer…there is another guy who sometimes is around the group that I would definitely be interested in dating. Do I kill any chance with with guy #2 (who might not even by single, might not be interested) by seeing if I click with guy #1?

      1. As long as you’re not leading anyone on or outrageously stringing Guy 1 along to flatter your own ego, I’d say you are fine casually getting to know him over dinner. Just be honest with yourself and the guy after the date and treat him with respect.

  27. Runners- I usually run inside because I’m a wimp about cold (i.e., I’m always cold). I have a 10 k coming up and the temps will be around 40-44 degrees. What would you wear?

    Right now I’m thinking crops, base LS, and halfzip over top, maybe gloves. For the base, should I get a cold weather one? I really hate being cold, but I also don’t want to overheat 5 k in!

    1. What you are going to wear sounds plenty warm – I don’t think you need a cold weather base, any l/s tee should be fine. I would reccommend gloves & something to cover your ears. These pieces add a lot of warmth, but they are also easy to remove and stick in your pocket/hold if you overheat.

      1. Similarly, I like the jackets with hand covers. I end up using them for the first mile or two, and then fold them back once I’m warm.

    2. I strongly recommend that you do practice runs in different combinations of layers. I’m always cold too, but I heat up very quickly once I start running, and would get way overheated in 44 degrees with anything more than a LS. Whenever I can I try to convince a friend to cheer me on at the race so I can wear warmer overclothes until just before the race starts, so I don’t have to freeze after I drop my stuff off at gear check.

      1. I personally cannot wear cropped pants when running outside in the winter (although DH can wear shorts). I agree with roses’s comment about doing some practice runs (2-3 miles should give you a good sense of how warm you’re going to get) so you can experiment with layering. FWIW, in 40-44 degrees, I would most likely wear fleece tights, a long sleeve base (mine are Lululemon, so not particularly warm), and some sort of halfzip/jacket. Plus gloves and an ear warmer (but not a hat, since I would get too warm).

      2. Sorry if this posts twice, I may have deleted my comment. I agree with roses about the practice runs. 2-3 miles should be far enough that you’ll get a sense of how warm you’ll be. I could never wear cropped pants while running outside in the winter, but my DH can wear shorts and be okay.

        FWIW, in 40-44 degree weather, I would most likely wear fleece tights, a LS base (mine are from Lululemon, so not particularly warm), and a halfzip/jacket. And also gloves and an ear warmer (but not a hat, since I would get too warm).

      3. I agree with doing a few trial runs. How you feel in various temperatures has a lot to do with whether you are acclimated to that type of weather. I run in New England outside throughout most of the winter (except for those days where it is icy), so for me 40-45 is balmy and ideal running weather. I think your proposed gear sounds fine. For the base, just make sure that it is running-type gear and not cotton. Cotton will hold the moisture against your skin and make you cold. If you want to forgo gloves (my hands are always cold in the beginning and then get hot), Nike makes (or used to make) a cold-weather top that had sleeves that folded over your hands and could act like gloves until you were ready to fold them back. Good Luck!!

    3. I’m a runner who is also cold all the time, although I do run outside. For a run at that temp, I’d wear: light weight tights, regular running bra, a longer running bra (kind with a shelf bra, but the garment comes down to the waist), a long sleeved t-shirt, and a halfzip. Plus one or two pairs of mittens and an ear wrap. The halfzip can always come off and get tied around your waist and you can put the mittens/ear wrap in your pockets if you get hot.

      If you’re concerned about being cold while waiting for the race to start, you can always put some hand warmers in your mittens and then toss them when you start to get hot.

      1. Thanks everyone! Seems like I should invest in some gloves and ear warmers. My half zip that I’m planning on wearing has a zip pocket in the front I can stash them in as I hear up.

    4. That sounds fine. You may end up wanting to take off the half-zip and gloves halfway in. My trainer says you can add about 20 degrees to the outside temp when you’re running, so dress as though you were going to be outdoors (but not running) in 60-degree weather.

    6. I have a $15 micro fleece vest from old navy that I wear over long sleeve shirts when I run outside in winter. It keeps me warmer than with just a long sleeve shirt, but because my arms are still exposed I don’t get too hot in the middle of the run.

    7. All the runners I know use a huge garbage bag to keep them warm at the beginning of a race. They cut out holes for head and arms and when they are warm, they tear it away (it’s picked up by the broom waggon along with empty bottles, etc).

      It’s really, really ugly and completely ridiculous, but it works, apparently.

    8. I just ran a 5 mile race this weekend in approximately the same weather. I wore fleece-lined running tights, a tech t-shirt (wicking fabric), and a long sleeved 1/4 zip up (mid-weight, not as warm as the pants) over the t-shirt. I also wore fleece gloves that I took off halfway through and a fleece headband to keep my ears warm. I was definitely happy that it was sunny. I also really hate running in the cold and being cold in general. I was a little cold both before and after I cooled down after the race, but I was perfect during the race. Two of my friends ran in cropped pants and the guys ran in shorts (but they’re crazy). It’s not a bad idea to wear layers so you can peel off a shirt if you get too warm but I would recommend your base shirt be short sleeved instead of long sleeved. Good luck!

  28. Dh and I are headin to Vegas for a mini 4 day trip. We are staying at the bellagio. Any suggestions on places to check out? We have already booked a Grand Canyon bus tour and a show. TIA!

    1. Which Grand Canyon tour did you choose? I’m heading to Vegas soon and want to do a tour, but there are just so many options out there! Anyone else have any recommendations?

  29. Hello! I wrote a little while back about losing my job. I really appreciated the kind words. I just received and accepted an offer which I am very excited about! I had a question about thank yous. I worked with a recruiter who was internal to the company. So he works for the company that just gave me the job, but was very helpful with interview prep, telling me what to wear, etc. What is the thank you protocol? Nice email? small gift? He works across the country so I don’t think I’ll meet him in person. TIA

    1. A nice email is fine. Something along the lines of thanks for being helpful and welcoming/ I am excited to start with this great company, etc.

      Basically he was doing his job, the email is just appreciating that he did it well.

      1. Thank you! I am so excited about it. I think losing my job was really a blessing in disguise. This job has way better benefits, much better pay, and much more matched for my skill set. Thanks again for your very kind words when I was freaking out! I actually printed them out and read them multiple times in those first few days.

  30. Posting anon just in case and changing a few of the details for anonymity sake, but I’d appreciate your thoughts on when it’s time to separate or divorce. Husband and I have been married for 10 years, a large portion of which involved him traveling 90% of the time for work. We spent the weekends and vacations together, but during the week he did his thing and I did mine. A few years ago, he switched to a career involving no travel, and now he’s home most nights. He’s home every night, but we live more like roommates than spouses. We talk less when he’s home than we ever did by phone during the traveling. when we do talk, he is manipulative and bullying any time I disagree with him, which causes me to shut down. I just want to give up – I don’t know if he’s changed, or if the time apart just masked the incompatibility issues. We’ve talked about counseling but haven’t yet made the time and effort to go. I’ve threatened to leave before, but it’s always been in the midst of an argument, so I think this would blindside him. To make matters worse, he’s currently out of work and I have a 6-figure job.

    To outsiders, we look the part of the happy couple and look great on paper – I think all but my closest friends would be shocked to know what’s going on.

    Apologies for rambling, but I would appreciate any thoughts or experiences on things that might make this better or if it’s time to separate.

    1. It’s worth it to at least try counseling. Although it doesn’t sound like you really want to save the marriage.

      1. Counseling might be worth it, but if neither of you want to make the effort to take that first step, that seems telling. Also, if DH or I ever threatened to leave (even in the heat of an argument) that would be a very bad thing and probably an immediate trigger to get to counseling or get to packing. That’s just our relationship though, everyone has their own lines not to cross.

    2. I agree with the poster above that it’s worth it to at least try counseling. I would say the goal of counseling doesn’t necessarily have to be “saving” the marriage – it can also equip you with the tools to move forward rationally and maturely and deal with each other fairly through a separation or divorce.

    3. With these types of things, I hesitate to give advice because I think it’s really up to you to decide what’s best for you and your life. So, I have 4 book recommendations.
      If this is the first time you’re experiencing marital difficulties (and if you can ignore the overly Christian bent of these books), I would recommend: For Women Only and For Men Only. They’re quite short and as the titles suggest, one is for you to read and the other is for your H. They might be a bit too … basic for the issues you seem to be facing though. If you feel like you’re having communication difficulties, I would highly recommend The Five Love Languages – there’s a website or a book, whichever you prefer, but it helps you communicate with your H in a way that you both can appreciate. If you’re more concerned about your H’s manipulative behavior I recommend: Why Does He Do That? If you’re more concerned about saving your marriage I recommend, Project: Happily Ever After: Saving Your Marriage When the Fairytale Falters. Any huge transition like this is going to take a toll on both of you, so I hope that you can resolve it somehow. Good luck!!

      1. I also second the recommendation to try counseling, but if you’re just not sure about counseling, starting with books might be an easier mental hurdle to get over. So I suggested books.

    4. Why not at least try counseling before taking the leap to divorce? Also, the fact that your DH is out of work jumped out at me. It seems that would affect his mood and how he interacts with you. If the loss of his job (or previous career change) was a big ego hit for him, that might explain the change in his behavior towards you more than the fact that you now see each other more. Also, why is it that you are living more like roommates? Have you at least tried to take the initiative to suggest a date night, change things up, and perhaps start enjoying doing things together again?

      1. When I say living like roommates, I mean that when I’m home, he’s either in the office with his laptop or watching tv. We often eat dinner in the same room, but it’s usually in front of the tv. It just seems like the connection or desire to spend time together isn’t there, other than a three minute “how was your day” summary and discussions about bills, weekend plans, and other routine stuff.

        I think I’m resolved to sticking around until he finds a job, partly to see if maybe it is just the unemployment causing problems and also because I think it would incredibly cruel to leave him when he might not be able to land on his feet financially.

        We’ve talked about counseling on and off for years, but it never seems to happen. I’m not opposed to going, but I’m a little skeptical that it’s going to fix things. I think I’ve been avoiding it because I’m afraid it will force us to face the facts that things aren’t going well.

          1. That book was great for me when I was in a similar position. Really helped lay out what was important, what was working, what wasn’t, and what the alternatives were.

        2. I would suggest just booking the appointment. “Husband, we’ve talked about this before and never gotten around to it, but I really think it would help. We have an introductory appointment with a couples counsellor on date at time.”

          Also, with the lack of connection/dinner in front of TV/everyone on laptops or in separate rooms — that is a problem that crops up in many marriages. The bullying/manipulative behaviour is a separate problem, but I think this is one thing you can try to address by trying to plan activities together – go out for dinner (even if it’s hamburgers and you don’t spend more than $15 together), or rent a movie and put out wine/popcorn/whatever and chill on the couch together watching the movie, no laptops or cell phones allowed. Or now that the weather is getting nicer… go for a walk after dinner (ending in frozen yogurt, or hot chocolate, or just coming back home). Your husband may be slightly depressed and getting out of the house may help his mood, plus it’s easy to talk while walking – you don’t have to stare at each other, lots of stuff on the street to comment on (e.g. “who has money to buy all these crazy houses??”). Try to put some energy and a positive/cheerful attitude into your time together. Sometimes you feel like a camp counsellor, but it can turn out really well.

        3. If you aren’t ready to go to couples counseling, would you consider going by yourself? I found that to be extremely helpful in figuring out whether to stay or go. I realized through counseling that my ex has a personality disorder, that he had no desire and/or ability to address it, and that I had to decide whether I was okay with that. I was also able to deal with some of my fears – e.g., the effect on the kids if I stayed or left (doesn’t sound like that’s an issue for you), how I felt about being single, whether I would be okay if I stayed, where I wanted to draw my personal boundaries in my relationships, etc.

  31. So, encouraged in part by many of the comments here, I am going to see a therapist for the first time in my life. Basically for long-term but low-level depression, as well as anxiety in one aspect of my life – resulting in an inability thus far to pull myself together and move forward with my life. I am a bit nervous about seeing the therapist. Any tips for first timers? It seems so awkward to talk to a stranger about details of my life, especially things that I have worked so hard to hide from eveyone else. I also want make sure that therapy will focus on concrete strategies to help me move forward. My biggest concern is endless therapy sessions spent discussing details of my childhood or the like. Any suggestions from those of you who have done this before?

    1. Therapy is the best thing I ever bought. Getting started, I found bullet point notes helpful. I had a hard time articulating what was going on, so I just handed the therapist a bullet point list of things that were bothering me, what I didn’t want out of therapy/styles I didn’t think I would jibe with, and what I did want out of therapy. It’s a little unorthodox I bet, but it worked really well. I still bring in bullet point notes sometimes, or take the last five minutes of the session to summarize and jot down some notes. I’m not an aural learner, much more visual/knetic, so writing things down is much more effective for me.

      1. Thanks. This is a good idea. I’m afraid I’m going to clam up and not be able to talk. Having something I can hand to the therapist (or refer to) might help. Is is considered kosher to go in saying what kind of therapy you don’t want? I mean, I don’t know enough about therapy to say what I DO want, but I know that I will run out of patience quickly if it feels like endless talk about past events rather than more concrete and forward-looking strategies.

        1. You should definitely share that. Your therapist should ask you what you’re hoping to get out of therapy, and at that point you can absolutely say “well I don’t want this to just be a b!tch fest every time; I want concrete and forward-looking strategies.” Good luck!

        2. Of COURSE it’s kosher. It’s YOUR therapy. If you can’t be honest with your therapist, you are wasting your time and money. And anyway, it’s useful information for the therapist. “You think you don’t like XYZ. Well, ok, we don’t have to do XYZ, but how come no XYZ? What about XYZ is not attractive to you?” – anything that gets a substantive dialogue going is useful. So your list should include “I will run out of patience quickly if it feels like endless talk about past events rather than more concrete and forward-looking strategies.” If you don’t say that, the non-psychic therapist is not going to know that you feel that way, and won’t know you’re mentally tapping your foot and rolling your eyes as she asks you about your past. Waste of time.

          Even if the most officially and objectively effective therapy is endless talk about past events, the fact remains that it’s YOUR therapy and you and your therapist need to do what works for YOU, even if it’s different than the “best” one according to some study. And if your therapist is super into talking about the past (I had one of those. We broke up.), better you know that now so you can find a different therapist who can work within what you want to do. This is like dating. There are lots of perfectly nice therapists that just aren’t a match for you, and that’s ok. Find the right one.

        3. Anon, you might want to look specifically for a therapist who describes themselves as “solutions-focused” in their online bio or so. A couple close friends (who, like you, don’t want to talk about their past but more about coping strategies, how to address/solve situational depression, anxieties, etc) have had more success with therapists using that self-description.

    2. I still see therapists/psychiatrists periodically because of adhd I failed to outgrow.

      I find it really hard to find one that will consistently do “concrete strategies,” even when their bio suggests they are open to it. And the hour passes quickly once they start asking the how-do-you-feel or what-do-you-think questions–which I find frustrating, because I get distracted, and then later feel like I just wasted time complaining (or, more annoyingly, being asked to explain why I don’t want to talk about my childhood, etc.).

      The only way I’ve managed to avoid that problem is to be super clear about it from the start and to start by asking them for details on just what it is they do during sessions. Some do say, e.g., that they’re just there to listen.

      I go to my life coach for strategy instead. They’re more expensive (and not covered by insurance), but I feel a lot freer to be straightforward with my life coach about what I want to discuss and achieve.

        1. The first time I went was actually very low-key. I was super nervous, but it was more of a “get to know you” session. I don’t even think my therapist had me talk much about why I was there; he asked lots of questions about what I was doing in my life, my family background, work history, etc. It helped to have a lot of structure for the first day.

  32. Threadjack2 –

    Often when I sit in my office, I sit either cross-legged in my chair (or the non-pc “Indian-style”), or sit on my feet, or lean way back in my chair – basically, I appear to be incapable of sitting like a regular human being, especially when I am reading or thinking through things. (Not so much when wearing a skirt…)

    Usually, if I hear someone coming down the hall, I will rearrange myself and put my feet on the floor, but I have been seen more than a few times in one of these positions. I often wonder if my boss thinks that it’s unprofessional or weird, even though no one has ever said anything.

    Thoughts?

    1. its weird. But I mean, who cares really. No one would ever say anything, but its probably been talked about. Again, not really a big deal. If you do good enough work it doesn’t matter.

    3. Your boss thinks it’s weird because it is.

      As long as you deliver good work, and aren’t creepy otherwise, no one cares and won’t mention it. We all have quirks and you’ve found yours.

    4. My friends in college and law school independently made fun of me for “perching” on my chair instead of sitting. I think any position is fine so long as everything is covered (including feet. no one wants to see your bare feet… kicking heels off under the desk is one thing) and you can quickly rearrange. As “weird” as I get in the office is sitting with one foot under me (no shoe, but hidden) while I work.

      I think there’s also a higher tolerance late at night or on weekends (just like for dress code). The more miserable you are, the more acceptable it is to make yourself comfortable, I think.

    5. Also my preferred way of sitting and I work in a cube, not an office. I don’t think anyone really cares, and none of my bosses have ever said anything. I do try to make sure they don’t see my bare feet, though.

    6. Eh, I do it too, no on seems to care. Unlike many other “weird” office behaviours, this one really doesn’t affect anyone else. I also usually have my shoes off while doing it. I also sometimes will put the botton of one foot on on the seat of my chair, have the other one down regular, and sort of resh my head on my knee while proofing docs, it’s just easier for me to concentrate that way. Neither while wearing a skirt, obviously.

    7. As someone with super short legs that won’t reach the floor even with the chair as low as possible, I sit on my feet quite a bit. Otherwise my toes go numb! My coworkers gave me a hard time until I challenged them to try sitting for a day with their chair raised so their feet don’t touch the floor. They couldn’t last the day, haha. For my birthday I’m going to buy myself a short stool or something, but until then people will just have to live with my odd sitting style. You’re not alone!

    8. I do this too. In my office behind the desk, not sure how much people would notice or care.

    9. I am the exact same way. It is just how I think best. I have a desk that faces the door and a lot of space to hide under, so I don’t rearrange myself when people come in. I haven’t gotten any looks or comments, but who knows.

      I’ve been having knee trouble lately and have to say I think my way of sitting at work for hours is aggravating it. Just something to watch out for.

    10. It’s weird, but I do the same thing at home – growing up my mom used to constantly be onto me about sitting like a human at the dinner table (because apparently I sit like an animal).

    11. It might be weird, but so what? As long as our weird quirks don’t annoy everyone around us (person who clicks their ballpoint pen endlessly, I’m looking at you), who cares.

    12. It may be a little different (FWIW, I totally sit like that or similar when I’m at my desk), but I doubt anyone’s going to care. As long as your bare feet aren’t propped up onyour desk and you aren’t flashing anyone, I doubt anyone cares.

    13. I don’t think it’s weird at all, but I guess that’s because I do the same thing. I’ve never caught any flak about it. When you are at the office more than you’re at home, you have to be reasonably comfortable. There was however this one really unfortunate time when I was sitting cross legged in my chair, shoes off (in the summer, so no socks – barefoot) and had a lollypop in my mouth while typing – and a senior partner walked in. He didn’t say anything, but I’m sure I looked about 8 years old to him. Water under the bridge now, though.

    14. All of these comments are making me feel normal! I absolutely sit cross legged and try to rearrange if anyone enters my office. I doubt anyone can really see me though cause my desk faces the door and my legs are under the desk. I’m always embarrassed about it, but it’s most comfortable for me.

    15. I do the same thing! Always have, and I hate wearing skirts because I can’t sit “pretzel” in them. Also sitting straight with work heels makes my knees hurt and/or bang the top of my desk.

    16. I sit “indian style” in most chairs and on couches. It’s more comfortable for me, since my legs are soooo short that even sitting in something a standard height usually causes my feet to dangle and I don’t like that.

  33. The promised Lisbon recs! I don’t have anything specific for hotels, but most of the big, nice chains are located along the Avenida da Liberdade. It’s a very nice area, with upscale shopping and restaurants, so I’d probably try to stay somewhere along there. A metro line runs the length of it, so you’ll also be well-connected to the rest of Lisbon.

    My absolute favorite way to spend a half-day in Lisbon is to take historic Tram 28 (your hotel can tell you the closest place to catch it), in the morning, to the Thieves’ Market and the Monastery of St. Vincent Outside the Walls. The Thieves’ Market runs morning to late afternoon Tuesdays and Saturdays, and is a fantastic open-air market with everything from tiles, to leather goods, to antiques, to clothes. It has an absolutely fabulous atmosphere (and do haggle if you decide to buy anything). When you get tired of the crush of people, escape to the Monastery. It has a delicious cafe and a lovely bougainvillea-draped courtyard, so have a coffee, a snack, or lunch (try the menu of the day). After refreshments, check out the Monastery itself. It has some of the most notable tile-work in Portugal, including an absolutely incredible series illustrating Aesop’s Fables.

    After that, you can either take the tram or walk to the Castle of St. George. (It’s not very far, and the walk has STUNNING views, but it is a tiny squidge confusing.) The castle itself isn’t much to look at, but it’s fun to climb around the battlements and it has panoramic views of downtown Lisbon and the harbor.

    The other must-see destination in Lisbon is the Monastery of the Jerónimos. It’s located in Belem, a suburb, so you have to either take a commuter train or a streetcar. Both are cheap and easy to find. The Monastery is a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and the most famous example of Manueline (Portuguese late Gothic, but with nautical motifs) architecture. While you’re there, you can walk over to the Tower of Belem, part of the city’s original defenses, and stroll along the Tagus. But most importantly, go to the Pasteleria de Belem (if you’re facing the monastery, it’s in the block directly to the right)! They’re nationally-famous for their pasteis de Belem, which are basically little cream tarts.

    A classic day-trip from Lisbon is visiting the National Palace of Pena, in Sintra. You have to go by train. The town of Sintra is quite pretty, but also quite touristy and on the pricier side. The palace is beautiful–it’s perched on top of a mountain and has incredible views of the countryside. But honestly, the best part about it is the surrounding park, enjoying the views, and the exterior architecture. The interior is underwhelming. If you feel like you have time, it’s a lovely way to spend a day, but there’s plenty to do in Lisbon proper.

    Other than the sights, Lisbon is a lovely city to stroll around in. There are miradouros, or lookout points, scattered in parks throughout the city center. And many of the buildings’ facades are coated in typical tilework. You should definitely spend some time wandering through Bairro Alto, a downtown neighborhood with quirky boutiques by day, and fado restaurants and bars by night. Nearby Chiado and Baixa have good shopping and people-watching. Other nice places to walk are Estrela, one of the more upscale residential areas; the Eduardo VII Park; and the Alfama, where the Thieves’ Market and the Castle of St. George are located.

    1. As far as food goes, Lisbon is known for its pastries. Pretty much any pastry shop, or pasteleria, is going to have delicious ones. (Look for signs that say ”fabricacion propria,” which means they make their pastries in-house.) But my favorite is Cafe Gelo in the Praça Dom Pedro VI. Try the savory pao com chouriço (rolls with chorizo baked in the center) and pasteis de nata (cream tarts).

      For sit-down dinners, my favorite Portuguese restaurant is located in the Praça do Comercio. It’s called Cafe Martinho da Arcada, and is the oldest restaurant in the city. I would recommend splitting an order of their arroz com marisco, or seafood rice. Another fav are the churrasqueiras, or barbeque restaurants, off the Rua Alfandega. They’re all good, but my favorite is called O Cofre. I’m not the hugest fan of fado, Portugal’s typical music, but one of the Things To Do in Lisbon is go to a fado house for dinner and a show. Most of them are located in Bairro Alto. You can ask your hotel for a recommendation.

      Ethnic food is going to be thin on the ground. There are a couple of surprisingly good (by which I mean ”on par with with American strip mall”) Indian restaurants in Baixa, and a fun Asian-fusion noodle restaurant called Nood in Chiado (if you go, get a pitcher of their white-wine sangria). I would plan to spend most of your meals eating Portuguese food. It’s not earth-shaking cuisine by any means, but it focuses on fresh ingredients (particularly seafood) prepared simply.

      Drinking is also a big part of Portuguese culture. I’m fond of their slightly-fizzy white wine, called vinho verde. The Douro region (up by Porto) makes some very respectable reds, in addition to, of course, port. You can also taste ginjinha, a local cherry liqueur, in several stores downtown.

      WHEW. I think that’s everything. If you have any questions, or need any other recs, shoot me an email at singlebluenail at Google’s email.

      1. I went to Portugal last summer, and I agree with all of these recs. I also went surfing there and I highly recommend doing that too. I would definitely do a day trip to Sintra. We had an amazing guide and it was seriously the best day ever.

        1. My impression is that renting a car is not necessary (good public transport, cheap taxis, drivers are crazy), do you agree?

          1. Yes, I would agree. Even if you want to go somewhere outside of Lisbon (I also went to the Algarve), there are trains and buses daily that can take you there (I think it’s around 3 hours drive).

      2. Thank you! I need to go through this all your recs again with my google map out. :). We booked 2 nights at a hotel by the castle. When I said ethnic food I actually meant local food( wrong word as i was thinking of Portuguese restaurants here)I’m really looking forward to natas. I used to live in Hong kong which has its own version. We are also thinking of going to Porto for the last 2 days if our trip. Thanks again. I might be emailing you too!

      3. I went a year ago, and I also agree with these recommendations. If you have extra time, I would also go to Queluz (lovely palace) and Cascais (beach town) in addition to Sintra. I stayed at the best hostel I have ever seen in Lisbon, found it through hostels.com.

    2. That sounds beyond fabulous. I haven’t travelled properly in a few years but my husband and I are increasingly feeling the need to hop on a plane and go somewhere new. Thanks for the wanderlust inspiration!

    3. Thanks for sharing! I’m also headed to Lisbon in June. Will be attending a seminar at Catolica University but will have plenty of downtime to explore too. I’m thinking of renting an apartment through HomeAway.

    4. When I went to Lisbon I did a day trip to Lagos. Beautiful coastal city. If you have time to add that in I’d highly recommend!

  34. I have a threadjack. . .

    I have an issue that just came up in a case, which is a little esoteric ( at least to me). We have a very small, generally collegial firm, so I called one of the partners to ask if he was familiar with this issue or knew anything about it. He said he was, and told me that the law was X. I thanked him, and hung up. I was a little uneasy about his answer, so I researched the issue, and it looks like is was totally wrong.

    I have the answer now that I need for the limited purposes of my case (I only really needed the black letter law type of answer), but my question is this: Should I tell the partner that he is wrong ? Should I just send him a copy of the research with a short note telling him I thought he might like to have it for his files ? Should I just shut up ?

    FWIW, this is not an issue that we run into often. In fact, in my years of practice both in house and in litigation, I have only run across it this one time, so it is unlikely he will tell someone else in the firm/client the incorrect information. This partner and I do get along well, but he has a notorious short temper with some of our lawyers and support staff, and I don’t want to get on his bad side for something that might not really ever come up again.

    1. I would not tell him that he was wrong. If its not going to come up again, I don’t see any reason to bring it up. He’s either going to get angry, try to discuss why he’s correct and you are not, or feel bad for giving you the wrong answer.

    2. at my small firm, the usual practice would be to tell the person, even if that person is a partner.

  35. I just wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone who gave me scarf advice yesterday! I watched the Wendy’s LookBook video and taught myself how to make my regular scarf into an infinity scarf–huzzah!

    Is it just me, or do any of you snappy dressers feel self-conscious about accessorizing? Cute outfit, neat hair nice shoes = fine and happy. Add a necklace, or a heel of more than about 2 inches, and I feel like a jerk, like I’m trying too hard. Of course, I don’t give a second thought to women who do wear heels and accessories. Maybe it’s because I’m a work-at-home mother right now. Or maybe it’s a hold-over from my grunge days!

    1. Haha, I have totally had that feeling. I also blame the grunge period, wherein I was taught that the most embarrassing thing you could possibly do was look like you were trying. Poser! Preppy! Gah!

      You’ll get over it with time, though, I promise! And when it becomes overwhelming, I throw on a small accessory that doesn’t match, such as a mult-colored bracelet or small-but-funky hair clip, like the hemp necklace or wrist scrunchy security blanket of my glory days ;)

    2. For me its a combination of self-consciousness and laziness. Other than my wedding band, I occasionally wear a simple small chain with small pendant, or dainty bracelet but that’s about it. Well I do wear ~3 inch heels most days, I’m 5’2″.

    3. I have 8000 necklaces and earrings and rings and whatnot, and never ever wear them (or rather, only wear the same 3 or 4 more delicate, not too showy ones over and over) for the exact same reason. Maybe I should go watch some youtube videos too.

  36. My daughter (1 yr) is going to have ear tubes put in next week. We just found out today that it needs to happen ASAP. I will take off a day or two. My husband travels for work (same client site every week). Should he even bother asking to work from home next week on such short notice? It’s minor surgery and not that risky, but there is always some risk when general anesthesia is used. I’d feel better if he were close by, but not at the risk of angering his boss. Is this a valid reason to ask to work from home at the last minute?

    1. “Due to my child’s urgent surgery scheduled today, I would like to work from home next week while she recovers.”

      He knows his client best, but most employers would at least understand why he’s requesting, even if they feel they can’t approve it.

    2. I think “My young child needs to have an unexpected surgery, and I would prefer to be closeby in case of emergency” is a perfectly valid reason to ask to work from home.

    3. I think it totally depends on his employer and how they will react, but I do think it is a valid reason to ask off. One of my children had minor surgery and, though I knew the risks were low, etc. I was still very nervous and appreciated having my husband there with me while we waited at the hospital.

    4. Yes, surgery on your child is a valid reason to work from home if there ever was one. Certainly his boss would understand.

    5. Yes. I also work at a client site every week and would absolutely ask my manager to work remotely. Working at a client site means we are all remote by nature, and if he can reschedule his client meetings he should be fine.

  37. Suggestions for longer t-shirts and/or tanks?

    I finally figured out why I am still wearing my maternity tank tops when my youngest is almost 2. While I’ve lost nearly all of the weight, I like that the maternity tanks hit slightly lower than my hip bones.

    Since I don’t have much of an appreciable waist, longer t-shirts seem to make me look taller and less apple-y.

    All price ranges OK. I’m intrigued by the higher-end t shirts, but haven’t been able to go there, as a reforming cheapskate.

  38. I also work at a client-site every week. The nature of our work means that we are all basically remote workers and he can absolutely do his work from home and should ask to if he can re-schedule any in-person client meetings.

  39. Magnificent goods from you, man. I’ve remember your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely excellent.
    I actually like what you’ve acquired here, really like what you’re stating and the best way during which you say it.
    You’re making it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it smart. I cant wait to read much more from you. That is actually a tremendous site.

Comments are closed.