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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 361 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Split-Strap Shift Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150 | · ·

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. MICHAEL MICHAEL KORS Split-Strap Shift DressSaks is one of the many stores with a Friends & Family sale going on right now. For today, especially for this price, I like this Michael Michael Kors navy shift dress. The split sleeves look nice (although probably best left under a jacket or cardigan), but that neckline — that wide U — is the perfect neckline for under blazers. The dress was $150, but is now marked to $60 at Saks — but with the F&F discount (FRNFAM2) it comes down to $48. Use code RTNFREE8 for free shipping and returns as well. MICHAEL MICHAEL KORS Split-Strap Shift Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

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Comments

  2. Erin

    Love the dress!

    TJ: Has anybody purchased sam edelman boots/shoes? Any opinions on the quality and wear? Is it a steal for what you get? or am I better off putting the money towards more quality?

    I purchased a pair of the Lisle but now I’m wondering if it’s silly to spend $140 towards booties that are “on trend” (which I usually never do), but they were so comfy and I’m tired of sliding out of my flats when I wear flats with tights.

    • Mel

      In my experience, Sam Edelman is great. They hold up really well against all the he** I put them through, walking through NYC. They do run a little small, so if you’re between sizes, size up.

    • Flora

      I agree with Mel. I bought a grey pair that Kat recommended, and they are great.

    • jcb

      I have a pair of his flats on right now. They are almost weirdly comfortable and look brand new although I wore the heck out of them all summer. Recommend!

  3. TCFKAG

    I like this dress a lot. My only comment would be that without a jacket (say for a fun event or something) that those split sleeves (or straps more accurately I suppose) kind of look like your bra strap would be permanently showing. Which might bug me.

    • SF Bay Associate

      You could have lingerie straps installed – the dress’ straps look thick enough to hide a bra strap.

      • TCFKAG

        No no. I’m not worried that MY bra straps would show, I’m just worried it would *look* like my bra strap would be showing. :-)

    • Susan

      Yes, that’s what I was thinking about the split-straps. Other than that, though, love the cut and fit of this dress.

    • AEK

      This dress reminds me of my prom dress! It had the same size straps, split three ways, and they crossed in the back. It was straight, floor-length, with a slit. So obviously not identical, but the effect at the shoulders/ neckline is exactly the same. Brings me back:)

  4. AIMS

    Very good price for the dress, but I think the straps might drive me a bit bonkers.
    I love, love, love those shoes though!

  5. Boston

    Hey Boston lovers, I’m looking for recommendations for my upcoming trip. Particularly, not-to-miss tourist attractions, best shopping locations, and restaurants. I’ll be there for 5 days with my SO. We like culture and museums and food! We’re planning on going to see the Nutcracker Ballet, I would especially appreciate recommendations for restaurants located near the opera house for a pre-ballet meal, or post-ballet drinks.

    • Diana Barry

      Chinatown is close if you like something a little more dive-y. Suishaya for Korean and Pho Pasteur for Vietnamese.

      Or if you’re looking for olde Boston ($$!), go to Locke-Ober.

      • Susan

        I’m a bit amazed/impressed that Locke-Ober is still around after all these years.

        • Bunkster

          We tried to go to Locke-Ober after the Nutcracker, but it wasn’t open. We went to the matinee, though.

    • JCC

      I would recommend Montien for really great Thai. This toes the line of the Theater District and Chinatown. For super-divey delicious Chinese food, try King Fung Garden on Kneeland Street, headed toward the Seaport area.

      For excellent seafood at a white tablecloth kind of place, try Turner Seafood in the Back Bay neighborhood, near Copley Place and the Back Bay train station.

      Check out the Boston Public Library great room (Copley Square), the Boston Public Garden (a few blocks from the library), and the Boston Common (across the street from the Public Garden).

      If you are willing to cross the Charles River, take the red line to Harvard Square, admire the view of the Charles from the Charles/MGH stop to Kendall as you cross the Charles and check out LA Burdick, a great chocolate shop; Otto Pizza, an excellent hole-in-the-wall pizza place with fun and delicious thin-crust pizza; and Rialto, Jody Adams’ wonderful restaurant in the Charles Hotel.

    • TBK

      The Isabella Stuart Gardner Museum is great. If you like Italian, you might want to spend an evening in the North End. My favorite North End restaurant is Assaggio on Prince Street. After dinner, get a coffee drink and cannoli at one of the little cafes (pick one with old Italian men sitting out front, or a soccer match on the TV — don’t go to Mike’s with all the tourists). Sounds like you’ll be there around Christmastime. Boston Common is really pretty that time of year (there’s ice skating on the frog pond). You might walk through there, then turn onto Charles St to poke in shops, then wander up around the old houses on Beacon Hill.

      Also, consider taking the commuter train outside the city for a day. I’d recommend going to Manchester, Newburyport, or Rockport. All are great little seaside towns with shopping/lunch and a nice waterfront. Salem can be fun, too. If you do Salem, I’d go to the Witch House, the House of the Seven Gables, and the Peabody-Essex Museum (btw, to the locals it’s PEA-b’ddy, not PEA-body).

      • Maggie

        This thread makes me homesick! I laughed at your Peabody comment; sometimes I forget that the rest of the world pronounces it as “PEA-body” instead of “PEA-buh-dee” as I know it.

        My favorite thing to do in Boston is just walk around day in the places that have been recommended. And of course it’s beautiful in late fall/early winter. In particular +1 to the Boston Public Library, Boston Common/Public Garden, Isabella Stuart Gardner Museum, and delicious North End food.

        • TBK

          Ha! I know — I felt homesick writing it! As for Peabody, yeah, my husband laughs at me when I try to say it like non-locals (seriously, Pea-bOAHdy is so awkward and Pea-buh-dee is so much easier).

    • anonahol

      Newbury Street is fun for shopping, it also has many little cafes and restaurants. The South End is also a great place to shop, with many smaller boutiques and great places to grab dinner or drinks. It’s just two stops on the orange line from Downtown Crossing (near the Opera House).

    • LadyEnginerd

      I think people have covered the stuff close to the ballet, but I’ll add something I love that’s a little more obscure: the glass flowers at the Harvard museum of natural history (T to Harvard square). Pretty!

      • TBK

        Yes! Great exhibit. Also, Harvard Square is another fun area to shop/eat. If you go another couple of stops down, Porter Square and Davis Square have some fun stuff, too. (I think it’s Porter that has the little Asian shopping center with Blue Fin sushi — very good, cheap sushi!)

    • Laura Holt

      Teatro is an excellent restaurant close to the Opera House. Not sure how I’d describe the cuisine, its sort of Italian mixed with New American. Italian influences but not a classic mom-n-pop Italian like you will find in the North End. Enjoy the Nutcracker – the Boston Opera House’s production of it is wonderful! I second the recommendations for Boston Common & Frog Pond, the North End and Newbury Street shopping. Piccolo Nido is my favorite restaurant in the North End and a stop at Mike’s Pastries for cannolis afterwards is a must (some locals will tell you Maria’s is better but I think the pastries are waaaaay better at Mike’s, its just much more crowded and attracts more tourists. Assagio is another good restaurant in the North End, so I second that rec. Legal Seafood clam chowder is also a must, although touristy. If you like chocolate, the Lanham Hotel does a weekly chocolate buffet, I believe on Saturday. The price was around $40 the last time I went a couple years ago, and its been going steadily up, so it may be more. But its well worth it if you are a chocoholic – jsut about every kind of chocolate dessert you can imagine and the quality is outstanding. JP Licks is the best ice cream in town, although their iconic Newbury St location apparently closed after I moved away from Boston (I guess it no longer had me to keep it in business :P) But there are a few other locations around town – the coffee oreo is my favorite ice cream flavor anywhere.

      • Meg Murry

        JP Licks on Newbury closed!?! NO! I was so looking forward to that on my trip back to Boston next month. Now I’m going to have to look up their other locations. 10 years ago there were at least 3 ice cream shops on Newbury and I was looking forward to hitting them all!
        Quincy Market at Faneuil Hall is a fun place to get lunch, at least it was 10 years ago. Crowded and a little touristy, but lots of choices for food and people watching.

        • Laura Holt

          Yeah apparently it closed earlier this year! they lost their lease. I know it wasn’t their first location but it was definitely the most iconic. It made me super sad. They have locations in Harvard Sq, the Longwood Medical Area, and Jamaica Plain, plus a whole bunch out in the burbs (Brookline, Newton, Wellesley, etc). Its sad that they dont really have a centrally located Boston location anymore.

    • G-Anon

      I would highly recommend Toro, a Spanish tapas restaurant in the South End. It can be pricey and reservations aren’t accepted, but I think it’s one of the best restaurants in the city right now. If you’re here on a weekday, it opens at 5:30 and it isn’t difficult to get a seat before 6/6:30.

      • Brant

        +1 for Toro. In addition to being mobbed, You may end up with family style seating, so make sure
        You’re ok with that.

  6. Thanks to e_pontellier...

    …for planning last night’s meet-up in NYC! I’m so glad I went. Hopefully we can all meet up again in the next few months!

    • Brooklyn, Esq.

      Hear, hear. Also, for anyone else, if you are considering going to your city’s meetup but you’re not sure, I’d like to encourage you to go! We had a fantastic time, totally worthwhile.

      NYC: When should we do the next one? :)

      • Susan

        Am sad I missed this one. (Trapped at the office w/my team working on something urgent, ugh.)

        Can we have one next Thursday evening? :-)

    • Marcia

      I know this is way in advance, but maybe for those of us who will be in town over Thanksgiving, we could get together? Perhaps a Thanksgiving potluck if there are enough people with nowhere to go, or an alternative to shopping on Friday (like an a.m. movie, so we pay half price)?

      • Cornellian

        I’m not sure what I’m doing for Thanksgiving, but I would be down if I’m in the city.

    • e_pontellier

      I’m so glad it worked out! I think we had a great turnout. Doing another one sounds good – next Thursday? Email me (e.pontellier.r et te [at] gmail [dot] com) if you want to come, and send location suggestions (suggesting we go back to Grey Dog’s is a legit suggestion too)! Thanks everybody :)

      • Erin

        Yes please! I’m in for next Thursday! Anywhere is fine. West 3rd Commons is also great for $3 drafts before 8PM!

  7. ugh

    Hi – long time visitor/poster but anon today for sure. Sorry for the TJ right off the bat, but I am really freaking out. I was just at the doctor earlier this week to get checked out for STDs. I am a fairly successful professional, single, don’t really sleep around, but was with someone new last week and had unprotected s3x. Suddenly, a few days later – weird rash. The doctor thinks it is herpes though we are still waiting for the official test results. Incurable. I feel like a huge $lut who deserves what she got. I feel like my life is over. Any chance I ever had for love, happiness and a family is gone. Who would sign up for a lifetime of this? I never realized that my sexuality was such a huge part of me. What’s left now? Work? I am sure I need therapy to help deal with this but what’s the point. It won’t fix the problem. There is no fix. They say that this is incredibly common – that 1 in 4 women in the US between the ages of 14 and 49 have it, and 1 in 9 men (though apparently the majority never even know it). How is that possible? No one I have ever known in my life has ever mentioned it. I just want to crawl in a hole, go to sleep and never wake up.

    I guess I am posting because this community is so supportive of other things and I just feel so alone, and like I will always be so alone. I don’t know if even this community can get beyond the horrible stigma of this virus though. I don’t know. I know I have to have a conversation with the new guy and the guy before him and I cannot even imagine how I am going to be able to do that. I am so ashamed.

    • CleveAnon

      Oh honey. Big virtual hug to you.

      Two comments:

      1) As much as you can, try not to freak out until you get the test results back. And ask your doctor what tests s/he is performing. IgM has a higher false positive rate than other tests.

      2) Several of my friends have herpes. One got it from the boyfriend she had for 8 years–the one she lost her virginity to, who was completely unaware he was infected. Herpes isn’t a punishment for promiscuity. It’s not a moral statement about you. You took part in an activity with known risks and now you are experiencing one. It’s really no different from a fender bender–you can drive as safely as you can, but you may still end up in an accident.

      And no, there is no cure and there is no fix, but Valtrex is fantastic (and might keep shingles at bay too?) and there will be plenty of people who will happily sign up for a lifetime of YOU. You are not a diagnosis, you are not a disease. You are the same person you were last week.

      You are going to be OK.

      • DC Jenny

        Yes, +1 to CleveAnon.

        Also, please remember that just because people haven’t mentioned having herpes to you doesn’t mean they don’t have it. It just means they haven’t mentioned it.

    • Eleanor

      Whoa, whoa. You are not doomed to being alone, you are not a slut, and your life is not over. I am so sorry you are going through this, and I really sympathize with how upset you are, but don’t call yourself names, and please don’t think this is now some statement about who you are. Lots of people live with chronic diseases (if indeed you do have herpes, which is sounds like you’re not sure about), including STD’s, and still find partners who love them.

      I don’t really have actual advice, except to agree that it sounds like you could really use someone to talk to in real life, like a therapist, who can help you see that this does not define you, and that there are still many good things in your life.

      Also, ashamed talking to these guys? One of them is at fault here! I definitely know how unhealthy it is to hang on to anger, so I am not advocating that, but this is not “your fault” or a reason to be embarrassed in front of them.

      • Eleanor

        Should have written STDs, not STD’s. Also, on a more frivolous note, have you seen Last Days of Disco? It’s a great movie anyway, but also the main character gets herpes and still finds love (and gets a promotion) at the end.

        • ugh OP

          Have not – sounds like good weekend viewing. And, gramatically – I thought you were always supposed to add an apostrophe when it’s an acronym? And that “STD’s” would be the correct form of that horrible thing? I never liked that rule and have always ignored it.

          • Eleanor

            There’s been some conversation about this grammatical point here before, and the consensus seemed to be (what I had thought) that you treat an acronym like any other word, and only use an apostrophe to indicate ownership.

      • EM

        I think the other ladies offered sound advice. For my $.02 I will add that I know of at least two people who got herpes from their (long-term, monogamous) partners…it happens. The statistics that you cited clearly demonstrate that it is out there. You cannot subscribe to this brand of self-loathing and I hope that after an official diagnosis and some therapy, it will pass.

        The two people I know with herpes (one female, one male) subsequently married new partners and one of them recently had a baby. I don’t know the inner workings of the relationships, but I am going to assume that since they are both married, their respective spouses are aware of the diagnosis and are OK with it. Could it be a little more of a “hurdle” in your romantic life? Possibly. But know that there are people out there who will love you, won’t judge, and won’t really care. Plus, from what I understand (admittedly, only from commercials and word of mouth from friends), once you are on the proper medication, the impact on your daily life (and lady gardening) is negligible.

        One thing I am curious about – how are you going to go about confronting and notifying these two partners? Maybe start with the one that’s been in the picture longer (i.e. not the co-worker) just in case to avoid a messy work situation? I am guessing the guy who has it is not aware.

      • Marcia

        Generally agree, but I wouldn’t use the word “fault” with regard to the guy/s or to you (OP). These things happen, and if the transmittor didn’t know (didn’t have symptoms in the past), I wouldn’t blame him. Just like I wouldn’t blame you. What you may have picked up (and possibly haven’t) is something that the vast majority of commenters on this site are at risk for, and that I’m sure a decent portion of us have acquired and dealt with. You are going to live a happy, healthy, sex-filled, love-filled life, you will just need to make some emotional adjustments and get comfortable disclosing when a relationship gets to the point where it is appropriate. Dan Savage has written on this point, and I think it would be worth it to google some of his articles.

        • Herbie

          I’ll also add that it’s my understanding that with many STDs, including herpes, it can take a long, long time for symptoms to appear. So you might not have even caught it from one of the two individuals you suspect.

        • Odessa

          I would second that you need to google some Dan Savage articles on this subject. He speaks truth.

    • SF Bay Associate

      1) YOU ARE NOT A $LUT.
      2) No one “deserves” herpes
      3) Like you said, herpes is incredibly, incredibly common. Look around you. See 7 other women? Chances are, another one of these women, probably a colleague of yours, has herpes too. –> you are not alone.
      4) Because herpes is incredibly, incredibly common, the pharmaceutical industry has spent millions of dollars on research to invent drugs that manage the virus. There are drugs out there, which tens of thousands of people take, which suppress and manage symptoms. Valtrex has been generic since 2009 (thanks Wikipedia!), so it will not be super expensive.
      5) Everyone has baggage, things that make them “imperfect.” That does not mean they are unworthy of love.
      6) You did not just hand in your right to love, happiness, and a family because you have contracted herpes. See #3 and #5.
      7) I think there’s a website that helps people notify former ladygarden party attendees of a potential issue. Why is there such a website? Because this is a really, really common situation.
      8) Yes, you need therapy. I don’t know if you’re new here, but I’m a therapy evangelist in these parts. I think therapy is useful for everyone, especially when you are dealing with lots of negative voices in your head, which it sounds like you are.
      9) No one has ever mentioned it to you because there’s this “horrible stigma” as you say. I used to be really embarrassed about my depression, my need for medication, and my need for therapy. So ashamed. Why couldn’t I just snap myself out of it?? After all, it’s all in my head. I have a good life. WTF is wrong with me? When I finally “came out” to a trusted friend, it turned out that she too had struggled with depression but was afraid to tell anyone (birds of a feather?). As I told more and more people, many responded with either they had depression once, or were close to someone who had. That’s why I am so “out” about my depression now. I frickin hate the “horrible stigma” and want to be a voice that shouts back against it. Hi, my name is SF Bay, and I struggle with depression and I need medication. When you are comfortable sharing this information with a trusted friend, you may be very surprised to hear that person say “me/my sister/my bf/my gf/my spouse too.”
      10) This community is 100% behind you. We always are behind each other, especially when we face tough surprises in life. Odds are, there are readers here who have herpes too.

      • Diana Barry

        +1. I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with HPV. IT WILL BE OKAY. Hugs!

      • Honey Pillows

        Fantastic response, SF Bay Associate. I second everything, and can’t really put it any better.

        OP, you have our support, and lots of hugs.

      • EC MD

        You brought tears to my eyes with your response. You rock, and I agree with everything you said!

      • Anastasia

        +1 from me too. I have HPV that keeps trying to give me cervical cancer, and I felt the same way when I was diagnosed. I wish SF Bay had been around to talk me down, then.

        You are not a bad person; a bad thing happened to you. It happens to LOTS of people who are also good people. But it’s manageable, and it is NO REASON for major changes in your life goals/plans. It will be ok! *hugs*

        • bgo

          +1000 to this. I have HPV as well, which also keeps trying to give me cervical cancer. One of my best friends has herpes she got from a long term SO, and she is now married with a child to a different man. Just for a shout out to him he is a wonderful, generous and kind man and she could never have found a better partner.

          Having any sort of STD feels awful, and I totally sympathize, but as was said above- this NOT a reflection on you at all!!!! My GYN told me that she actually finds it more amazing when she sees 20-30 somethings who are not married and do NOT have some sort of STD. Her comment was that sadly STDs are just so rampant that it is nearly impossible for someone with a normal, healthy s3x life not to have contracted one- no matter how safe you are.

          And my friend with Herpes- swears by Valtrex.

      • zora

        Yes, I can’t say it any better than SF Bay, but i will add lots and lots of {{Internet Hugs}}

        And yes, this is something that happened to you, you are not a bad person. It might be a lot to deal with at first, but I promise at some point, with the help of doctors and maybe therapists, you will figure it out and come out the other side with a plan. I spiraled with a diagnosis once, and now I am looking back from the other side and wish I’d asked for help sooner.

        And we are always here, so if you need to freak or vent or talk about it, ALWAYS come here! Don’t do all of this alone, MOAR HUGS!!!

    • Anon Analyst

      So sorry about this situation. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are not a slut or a bad person. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.

    • Annon for this

      Is this for real? Because we’ve talked about herpes here oodles of times. There’s zero reason why you should think you can’t have children. Zero reason to think you’re doomed to a solitary life. If this is real, then you need therapy stat to help you handle challenging news.

      • anonymous

        I think this is a really normal and natural response to finding out to you have an untreatable STD. It’s not a rational response, but it is probably exactly how I would respond(“OMG I’m gonna be alone forever now, this is the worst thing that could happen”).

        • PollyD

          Seriously. When I found out I had HPV/dysplastic cells/OMG IT COULD BE CERVICAL CANCER, I freaked out and thought I would end up a cell line in a dish (I was working in a lab at the time, doing tissue culture, and had just learned about the HeLa cell line, aka the cell line developed from Henrietta Lacks’ cervical cancer cells). So I think an initial freak-out is totally normal.

          But, agreeing with what all the other people have said. Sh!t happens. Doesn’t make you a bad person. Doesn’t cut you off from doing whatever you want to do in your life.

      • anonaherp

        I felt the same way when I was diagnosed 10 years ago. Similar situation. Now I am living with a gloriously wonderful partner and 7 months pregnant. I had one serious outbreak and approx 1 very minor (1-2 sores) outbreak ever 1-2 years. After you feel comfortable, explain to your new partner exactly what happened. Let him/sit back and digest the info. Don’t make excuses or try to explain away the situation. Either he will run or he won’t. You will be absolutely shocked about how many people will then admit to having the virus as well. (!!!!!!!)

      • EC MD

        I would also add that feelings of guilt and shame are very common with MANY diagnoses, including those that have ZERO behavioral components. I had a woman tell me today (in a very matter of fact tone) that the reason she had breast cancer was because she ate too much sugar. Ummm, no. So these feelings, magnified, about a diagnosis that does have at least some behavioral component does not surprise me, even if I think these feelings are unfounded.

        I think OP definitely needs to talk this through with someone, and if a therapist gives her the confidentiality to fully explore all the issues, I’m all for it. On the other hand, a trusted friend may be enough too, as well as time and wine and cookies.

    • anonymous

      Sending good thoughts your way! Don’t beat yourself up – I think there’s a lot of stigma associated with STDs, but it’s just like anything else.

      Something that really helped my friend put things in perspective is when her doctor told her that chicken pox is a type of herpes virus. Chicken pox, which EVERYONE gets! And there’s no shame to that.

      Your romantic life isn’t over. You still have plenty of options. I agree with speaking with a therapist and absolutely think you should let the guys involved know once you know for sure (I know with my friend, the doctor could tell by the amount of virus present in her blood that she hadn’t had it very long (vs it lying dormant for a long time and just starting to show symptoms) so she only had to tell her most recent partners). But most of all, remember – IT WILL BE OKAY. You have a treatable chronic skin condition now. But that’s ALL it is. You aren’t going to die, you aren’t going to lose out on love and happiness and children. You just have a treatable, chronic skin condition.

    • anon

      I got the same diagnosis. I felt the same way. Granted, I was already married, so I didn’t have that angle to deal with. But I’d had about twice as many partners before my husband as he’d had (6 vs 3), and I was afraid he’d think I was “dirty.” I broke down sobbing after I got off the phone with the doctor because I was afraid of how my husband would react and felt so guilty for doing this to him. My husband was actually relieved that that was “all” it was, given how hard I was crying, and pointed out that it could just as easily have be him who gave it to me. I took valtrex for awhile but didn’t get any more flare ups and so another doc took me off it. My husband and I are TTC and my ob/gyn says there isn’t really a problem. Lots of people have it and while you don’t want to have a V birth while you have a flare up (can do bad things to the baby), they monitor that and it’s not an issue. People don’t talk about it because of that stigma. I’m a regular poster and I know I should take off the “anon” and put on my regular handle, but, well, I’m not quite ready to do that. But I totally understand.

    • LadyEnginerd

      For what it’s worth, I’ve always considered herpes not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. I always figured it’s just cold sores on your “other” lips. I bet there are men out there who feel the same way I do – it’s not a relationship dealbreaker or judgment on your character, just a minor health issue.

      Carolyn Hax answered a letter this week about how to tell potential partners about herpes (and you can probably read WaPo at work, which is an advantage over some Dr. Googling).

    • cbackson

      My best friend got it from her first-ever gentleman caller. She had exactly this response, but now, a couple of years later, she rarely thinks about it (and has never had an outbreak again, FWIW). There are SO MANY PEOPLE in your position, and while I won’t pretend that it won’t pose challenges with regard to dating, so does lots of the other baggage that we carry with us.

    • It will be ok

      Here is some anecdata for you –

      Male friend, super religious, one I would label more likely than others to “shame” someone for their past, started dating a woman who he really liked who “confessed” she had herpes. He took some time to think about it and whether he wanted a future with her and he decided he did. Their relationship eventually failed for totally other reasons but he was willing to commit to her and did not hold her diagnosis or sexual past against her. I only learned about it because he confided to my husband and I about it while making his decision. When someone really cares about you for who you are, they are not going to stop caring about you because of this. Yes you need to tell future partners before you have lady garden parties but you don’t need to tell them the moment they meet you. Once you have a connection with someone, this is just going to be another hurdle, not a dealbreaker for everyone.

    • springtime

      I’m so sorry :(. Your life is NOT OVER though. Also, before you worry too much, wait until you get the test results back.

      Your story motivated me to pick up the phone and book an appointment to get tested for EVERYTHING on Tuesday. I think the receptionist thought I was a little intense (“Testing?” “Yes, std testing. For everything. I don’t want to leave anything out.” “okay…”), but I am always so nervous to get tested I haven’t done it in far too long. So thank you for inspiring me :).

    • Sasha

      Don’t beat yourself up over it. It happens to A LOT of people and you could have still gotten it even if you had used a condom. Everything is going to be ok!

    • married

      I am a regular reader, infrequent commenter, but I had to comment to you today.

      I have herpes.

      I was diagnosed when I broke out in a strange rash after 10 years of marriage. I was so upset and miserable. I was sure my husband had cheated on me and the marriage was over.

      I ended up confiding in my OBGYN. She said you can be infected with this without ever having an outbreak, or you can go a long time and then have your first outbreak if you’re really stressed. So she felt it was possible I had it before I met my husband, or that my husband had it and didn’t know.

      My tests came back saying it was Herpes Simplex 1, which is the type usually associated with cold sores. My husband indeed gets cold sores, so apparently that’s how he gave it to me. He has had cold sores since he was a kid.

      In terms of how to care for yourself, I find that it’s not stress but friction that can make me have an outbreak. If you feel you are starting an outbreak, take Acyclovir immediately. I can tell you that I’m usually all healed up in 3 days if I do this. I also find using Aquaphor on the actual sore (and after the first outbreak, it tends to be a single sore rather than an overall rash) is quite soothing.

      Another thing I will tell you is to find someone to talk to about this. I ended up confiding my best friend, who then told me her sister got it from her husband under similar circumstances to my own. It really is common and might make you feel better to hear that from others.

      In fact, I’ll wager that some of the people who have responded to you already have herpes too, but don’t want to out themselves under the screen name they use here.

      Best of luck to you.

      • Kontraktor

        I’ve gotten the occasional lip cole sore/fever blister since I was about 2 years old. Good to know I can thus potentially get some in the netherlands one day too randomly and/or see them appear on my hubs one day. Ugh. :-P Maybe I should let him know now before we have a similar incident…

        • married

          hi Kontractor my doctor says you can only have each virus in one area, so if you have Herpes 1 on your face, you won’t get it lower, but you could still get herpes 2 there if you are exposed. The virus lives on a nerve pathway and is specific to that area. But the rest of your body will have built up immunity because you already have the virus.

          You could infect your husband’s lips or lower areas, though, if he doesn’t already have the virus.

          I know there are some doctors who comment here who can maybe correct me if I have this wrong.

          • Kontraktor

            Interesting! Thanks for the follow up. I will still probably tell him anyway as a ‘I was wondering’ sort of musing conversation. It might be worth talking to my GP about randomly too just to get more info.

      • AT

        Choosing not to go anon (well, anymore so than usual), to give the finger to the stigma :-)

        I got it the same way (i.e. in the lady garden) as ‘married’, from a guy who got cold sores. We had been together for quite a while and never an issue, and he hadn’t had an outbreak recently, but BAM all of a sudden one day I had a rash and sores and felt like crap. It was the dreaded and unpredictable “asymptomatic shedding”. I’m embarrassed to admit that I did not know that type of transmission was possible. However, as I’ve shared my story over the years, I’ve learned that many people don’t know this.

        Anyway, I went through all the feelings and reactions you and others have expressed, and to be honest I felt bad about myself and I let it keep me from dating for a very very long time (we’re talking years). I was worried that it would interrupt the normal “flow” of getting to know someone and becoming intimate, and I was scared of rejection.

        I finally decided to stop letting the fear paralyze me and cautiously tried dating again (online).

        Since diagnosis, I only had 1-2 outbreaks soon after the initial one and then nothing for years (FWIW I’m not on anti-virals, I wanted to know what I was dealing with before signing up for a lifetime of meds). Frankly the only impact it has on my life is the disclosure one. I have told 4 guys, and each of them was accepting, supportive, appreciative that I was forthcoming before we got naked, and each chose to proceed with parties of the lady garden variety, including… ahem, oral attention (Hive – did I miss the euphemism for that?). Basically, I dated the guys, demurred longer than I probably would have normally with the physical aspect (anything beyond 2nd base), and then told them (either in person or email) at a time when s*x wasn’t imminent but it was intimated that both parties wanted to and soon, so they didn’t have to make a snap decision.

        If you (or anyone else here for that matter) ever want to chat or ask questions about it or just vent to a sympathetic and empathetic ear, you can write to me at ATcorporette @ g m a i l

        Hugs!

    • In the Pink

      Oh gosh…ease up please. You’re more than a virus. Hugs a bazillion. If it is the case, I would recommend a bit of time with a counselor to help you gain your “self” back!

    • K...in transition

      I can’t think of anything to say that hasn’t been said by someone or 10 other someones here, so I will just leave you with this ((HUG)) (I’m here if you need to talk.)

    • ugh OP

      Thank you all for your comments and support. On some level I know that I am off the rails on this one, but I really have been having some unc0ntrollable, horrible self-loathing and desperate thoughts, as you all can see. After crying for an hour or so after posting this morning, I finally made it into work and read through these comments (and will probably keep reading and re-reading them), and have been able to work through the insanity a little to see that maybe life and happiness aren’t over? I think I have been feeling like a leper (now I feel like an a$$ for saying that – poor lepers, not their fault either), and that I am doomed to a life of either loneliness or of ridicule and rejection and that I would never be able to be with a person I really want to be with, if anyone. You all are right. I clearly need to talk to someone – I haven’t even told my best friend yet, have been teetering on the line, thinking “maybe it will go away and I’ll never tell anyone!!” (knowing full well that I could never ever do that in reality).

      Again, thank you so much. I can’t tell you what you all mean to me. I still feel pretty awful and keep randomly crying, but don’t feel so desperately alone anymore.

      • anon

        Therapy can be great, but it did not help me ONE.BIT to keep rehashing this issue. I got my diagnosis (via telephone call) 15 mins before I before I boarded a plane to Afghanistan for the 2nd half of my one year deployment. I felt utter and total despair for approximately 2 weeks– crying spells, sadness, etc. It WILL get better. Take some time to feel sad (seriously, set a time limit) and then pick yourself up and move forward. Do not feel bad for feeling bad. What you are feeling is totally normal and it will pass. It’s hard to believe now, but it will pass. Your life will return to 99.999998% normal soon.

    • Anon today

      No, no shame and no long-term problems, really. (I’m anon for this just because I’ve shared to many specifics about myself before and don’t necessarily want my health status on the interwebs, but I’m not ashamed.)

      My now DH, who I had known for years as a friend, disclosed to me before our first lady garden party that he had herpes (this was in the late 80s — yeah, I’m old — and it seemed like half the singles were getting it). I cared about and trusted him, and we did the whole safe s*x thing, and it was fine. Over the years (actually relatively quickly), we moved away from condoms and were more careful or even abstained only when he had an outbreak or felt one coming on. We have a 17-year-old, no issues or problems getting pregnant or with our son’s health. My husband got the big V, so no need for other BC. I finally had my first outbreak of herpes symptoms 3 years ago — after we had been together 22 YEARS! So you don’t need to feel like you’re Typhoid Mary, about to infect everyone you touch.

      It’s true, I was a little freaked out — although more bummed out than anything — when I was diagnosed, and my outbreaks are worse than his, very painful sometimes. The first time, and a couple of times since, I’ve had terrible muscle aches like the flu also. So it’s a drag but definitely NOT the end of the world, or the end of much of anything.

      And I agree that lots of people probably have it and you just don’t know it. When I got diagnosed, I told my BF and she was very matter of fact that yeah, her husband has and so she figures she does too after being together 20 years but she’s never had any problems.

      So, trust me, you will be fine, really.

      Hugs.

    • You Are OK

      I’m anon for this because it is not my story to tell. But I have a family member who contracted HIV and has been in a stable, loving relationship for 15 years. Contracted before s/he met current spouse and not only are they totally ok, but they are both healthy (and, in fact, spouse has not been infected). If life and love goes on after HIV, I’m sure it goes on after herpes.

      Hugs.

    • Brant

      I echo all the feelings above, but wanted to emphasize that herpes does not equate to s1ut, or your life being over.

      A friend of mine growing up was BORN with oral herpes. Try being 12 with oral herpes. Or 18.

      SWIS, she is happily married and has a gorgeous family.

    • a lawyer

      Agree with the “WHOA.” You are NOT a slut. This does not define you. You can have a very normal life even if the test does turn out to be positive. A close family member learned she had herpes years ago, from a long term relationship. It manifests itself only in times of great physical and emotional stress. Medication seems to keep it at bay. You can manage this. It may well be that the man at issue did not even know he had it.

      That said, it is perfectly understandable that you are major upset about this right now. You need information, and you need it from a doctor, and maybe later from a therapist or counselor. Try to get a grip, get some antianxiety meds if need be to get through the initial shock and reaction, and then, if positive, ask your doctor to refer you to someone you can talk with.

      BIG virtual hug. I hate you are having to go through this, but as the stats say, you are not alone, you are not to blame, and you WILL come through this and have a wonderful, normal life.

  8. Diana Barry

    Ladies, three questions:

    1. Opinions on crew neck cable-knit sweaters that are short (hip bone length)? I tried one on today and it looked weird. It is a lime green Hayden sweater that I probably got in 2005. I love the color but the length looks off-trend now. Thoughts?

    2. Are there any insoles that work well for comfort without a lot of bulk? My loafers (Naturalizer, just bought last year!) are not cutting it for comfort lately.

    3. Flattish ankle booties that come in wide?

    • AnonInfinity

      I have a thought on 1. I think that shirts that length look weird now, especially sweaters. If you are ok with the look, you could try wearing a solid shirt under that comes out from the bottom a little. I like that look, but I know a lot of people don’t because it brings attention to the hips/bottom area.

    • CKB

      Sweater – I read somewhere (probably either You Look Fab, Inside Out Style, or both) that hip length tops are best for wearing with skirts and for pants you want your top to end an inch or two above the crotch. I’ve noticed for myself that when I don’t follow these rules the proportions of my outfit are definitely off. So I’d wear your sweater with a skirt rather than pants and it will proabably look fine.

    • Susan

      Re: 1
      Lately, I’ve been seeing a lot of bold, color-saturated looks. Could you pair that with either a very strong magenta pencil skirt or, perhaps, a grey pencil skirt + cobalt blue pumps?

      Because I know what you mean about that color being really trendy a few years ago, and I think if you just wear it without any other offsetting strong color, people will think of that (old) trend. With a strong (other) color, then it would look more like it was on trend with the wearing of several bold colors together.

    • PollyD

      How about navy with the lime? I love that combo. It’s a little spring-ish, but I think it could be okay in fall. Maybe a navy or dark blue button-down under the sweater, pair it with a gray skirt or pants to tone down the lime? I also agree that you may have to experiment with bottoms to find the right proportion – a higher waist might be better, also maybe a slimmer-cut bottom because I think sweaters that are a bit short tend to look more boxy. I personally like shirt tails hanging out the bottom of sweaters (but not the built-in ones – those are just weird!), so I’d play with that a bit.

      Dr. Scholls makes decent inserts. Plus they are cheapish, so if you try and they don’t work, no big deal. I am pretty sure Zappos allows searches for wide width shoes. Can’t think of any brands specifically – I see you have Naturalizer, maybe Aersoles?

    • Cb

      Maybe a short-ish skirt would help even out the proportions? I always think cable knit sweaters read preppy and maybe just embrace that?

    • eastbaybanker

      I have an older cashmere sweater that hits at the waist. The cut screams 2004 but I love the coral color and just can’t let it go. So here’s my trick. I tuck it in to a high-waisted pencil skirt and nobody knows that it’s completely short and dated! It tucks really well because it’s so short. So that’s my recommendation.

      As far as the lime color, I think lime is a classic shade for spring. I wouldn’t wear it in the fall, personally.

    • Research, Not Law

      I have set aside my older sweaters that hit at that point, but I’m going to pull them out and try them with skirts. Otherwise, they’ll go back in storage until the length comes back in style ;)

  9. Need R&R Bra -- weird petite size

    Hello! I am a 30D and am looking for something like those stretchy leisure bras (so some shape) that I see on TV. My options are 1) sports bra (OK for sports events, too flat and awful visuals otherwise) and 2) very sturdy almost bulletproof things otherwise. Is there an in-between? The band size keeps me out of the malls (things start aroud 34 and you can get a 32 only if you’re very, very lucky) and our good local stores are OK for #2, but I want something for when I get home and change into comfy clothes. Any thoughts?

    • Always a NYer

      Zappos has a small but nice selection for your size. I’m sure you’ll find more options from bra specific sites.

    • CPA to be

      I’m a 30E (yes really. I usually give up and buy a 32 DD), and I wear the wireless racerback from gap body. These things are *not* for anything high impact, they are just for sitting around the house. I also sleep in them sometimes. They are really stretchy, and I can wear anything from a medium to an xl depending on how much “support through compression” I want. Any time I am not in public I am wearing one of them. They make a good fake camisole to wear over a bra too.

    • PollyD

      Yeah, small band size + large cup size = not a lot of options. I’ve never ordered from them, but have heard good things about the Figleaves website. They have a pretty wide range of sizes. I know there is a lot of Victoria’s Secret hate here, but they carry a better range of sizes on their website than in the stores, they might have something. I’m a 32D and personally really like one of their bras (dream angel demi? something like that).

      Theoretically, a 32C (go up a band size and down a cup size) should be close to your size. I have a 34C wireless bra that isn’t great, but is nice for those days when you want a little definition but not all the, shall we say, confinement of an underwire. I wouldn’t buy “good” bras this way, but it might work for the stretchy types.

    • HL

      I don’t have a particular bra suggestion, but I am also a 30D and order all my bras online through herroom.com or barenecessities.com. Both have tons of selection for that size.

    • violet

      I’m not sure if the band will be tight enough for you, but I bought the “as seen on tv” pull-over stretchy bra from cvs. You get 2 for $20. They are super comfortable and good for around-the-house. You’ll have to take out the cups though – the bra is one size fits all but those cups are not.

      • Need R&R Bra -- weird petite size

        These are awesome. I wore them when I was pregnant and the year afterwards when I needed for something I could lift up for pumping. HIGHLY recommend for that. The bands are too large now though.

    • ADL

      Check out barenecessities.com – you can choose by size. You might hit the golden ticket there.

    • In the Pink

      Have struggled with “small band, large cup” sizing, but 34-whatever.

      Finally latched onto Her Room dot com. Love that you can see how the bra looks like with clothes on and they show dimensions. Reviewers’ size is posted so that helps with R&R.

      Having to go to wire=free bras made my problem harder. Hate the uni-b@@@@b which results from many and just far too much fabric on my chest.

      Have had suceess with soft, supportive, non-wired bras by looking at their nursing section. Seems wierd, but the inner slings are good support.

      There have been articles out there about “full busted” gals and our challenges finding items.

    • Research, Not Law

      I’m a 30DD normally and a 32G when nursing. You may want to consider nursing wear. I know that sounds nuts, but I could never find reasonable underwire options until I started breastfeeding. Bravado nursing tanks are surprisingly supportive and would just look like a normal shelf-bra cami. The clasp that opens the front is flat and subtle. They are my go-do on the weekends. Their sleep bras are more obviously for nursing (a more obvious clasp), but they come with a conversion kit that removes the clasp. Less support than the tanks. They also look like the top of a cami.

      For sports bras, I’ve had luck with Moving Comfort. You’d be on the edge of their sizes, but I do believe they have a 30E. I have 32Es that I squeeze my G’s into. Very comfortable sports bras.

  10. Ellen

    I LOVE Michael Kors! This dress is fantistic for $48, but I am stuck in Saint Louis and it was raining cat’s and dog’s!

    Yesterday, Jim took us all out b/f the game and these 2 guys from the plant kept stareing at me like they never saw a women before. Their must not be alot of women in Saint Louis b/c they aksed all about me. The were shocked when I told them I was NOT dateing Jim. I think he told them I was. FOOEY! They all drank alot at the Baseball game then it started raining. Jim said let’s sta. He got us 4 dumb baseball hat’s but that did NOT keep me dry. FOOEY!

    He and the 2 other guy’s put those dumb hat’s on backward’s and started grunteing GO CARD’s! But they were winning any way.

    Finaly, I said I did NOT want to stay and keep getteing wet, so I took a cab back to the hotel ALONE and warmed up at the hotel spa before I went to sleep. Yay!

    Now I am finaly back at the plant, but Jim is not here. I think he is to drunk to show up on time. All I can do is wait and talk to these guy’s who come over to talk to me. FOOEY!

  11. Wanda

    Re-posting from previous thread:

    Any advice on how to deal with work-related stress? I have a new job which is a huge role for someone at my age and experience. The company I’m working for is also in a state of change and everything is a little messy at the moment which makes my job more challenging than ever (E.g. No clear accountability lines, distant bosses who are not very responsive, getting conflicting advice, having different internal customers at war with each other etc.). Still, I am determined to do well. I want to do very well. As a result, my perfectionist tendencies are showing and I’m stressing myself out more than usual. I obsess over the wording of every email I send, stress out over every detail, worry about how I come across to everyone (mostly because most people I work with are senior male leaders in their 40s and I want to be perceived as their equal).

    My mind is on work constantly, I think of work before I sleep and dream of work. I obsess over everything I’ve done for the day and worry it’s not enough. I’m always stressed and snapping at my family and boyfriend. I don’t feel like making plans with friends. I’ve also been making myself literally sick with worry and have been getting sick with mouth ulcers, colds and fevers. Sometimes, when I think of work, my heart skips a beat and I feel like I can’t breathe.

    I know my job doesn’t need to be this stressful. I’m the cause of it. I need to chill out and have some fun outside of work. Any ideas on how to do so? Thanks in advance hive.

    I do have to say this site has been one of my rare sources of sanity during this time. :)

    To add – I do exercise (yoga) regularly. It helps but by the end of the day, I am stressed out again.

    • 312

      Whew – sorry you are suffering! I think recognizing your stress is a big step in the right direction as is yoga or exercise. What about trying to just sit quietly for even 5 minutes a day – clear your mind and get in touch with your breathing. I’m in the middle of reading Dale Carnegie’s book – How to Stop Worrying and Start Living – lots of great tips in there. You may want to read a chapter a night.

    • Susan

      I think you will do well in your career and life if you are able to channel your “perfectionist” tendencies into something useful and non-self-destructive.

      That you have such tendencies suggests to me that you have energy, and determination, and dedication. I think a lot of what you may be reacting to is the lack of certainty (no clear chain of command, warring customers, etc.) and the fear that that engenders, so you are compensating by overdoing stuff you feel like you CAN control– like your spelling in an email.

      I would advise channeling all of you awesome reserves of energy and determination into something different– creating more certainty. It’ll be weird and hard, and no, you can’t control the outcome like you can control how you word an email, but it may be rewarding.

      Use your energy to find some senior person(s)who can help — either be your champion, or defend you against some of the uncertainty, or, to clear out some of the muck. Don’t think that you have nothing to offer this person– if this person will provide you air cover (and keep the chaos away from you somewhat so you can get your stuff done), it’ll make you and him/her look very good.

      • Wanda

        Susan – ” so you are compensating by overdoing stuff you feel like you CAN control– like your spelling in an email”

        That is so true though I never realized it until you said it.

        Thank you to you and everyone for your sage advice. Some great stuff to think about.

    • viv

      I think you know what you need to do. Connect with friends. Go do something that takes you out of your head – whether it’s a bike ride or live music or cooking up a meal you love. It’s great you’re already doing yoga though. Give yourself credit for that!

      I also struggle with feeling like I’m not measuring up at work. I find it really helps to meet new people and hear about their lives. I have a fun meetup group I go to, and just seeing all these different women with all these different jobs and experiences helps to put my own problems in perspective. It’s huge! It helps me realize there is no perfect.

  12. Charleston to Savannah

    I picked up one of those SW flights last week that were on sale to Charleston. The plan is to spend 2 days there and then drive to Savannah to spend another 3. I’ve googled the recommendations from this site, because I know there’s been some good ones. Other than the Pink House in Savannah, bike tours and ghost tours – anyone have any must-do’s? Already got my Paula Deen restaurant rezo’s. Thanks in advance! Really looking forward to a vacay!!

    • KC

      I’ve never been to Savannah, but I love love love Charleston and am majorly jealous of your vacation. Have an amazing time!

      (You’ve probably heard of it, but I highly recommend the Hominy Grill. Eat as many fried green tomatoes as you can!)

    • Merabella

      Hominy Grill is one of the best places I’ve eaten, it is in Charleston. Super fun.

    • mascot

      S.N.O.B comes highly recommended in Charleston. I am a recent transplant to Savannah and have answered on the other threads. I liked the Blue Orb tours for ghost tours, the hearse tour and slow ride look fun. What do you like to do and eat?

      • Charleston to Savannah

        Thanks! I like to eat/drink A LOT – ha! Not big into seafood, but pretty much anything else. Would love to do some outdoor walking/exploring on this trip. Super big into walking trails/biking/browsing shops. Will definitely check out the haunted tours.

        • mascot

          Cute shops for browsing are on Broughton Street and in the Downtown Design District. I’d recommend staying in the Historic District for maximum walking around ability. The weather is generally mild, there are lots of trees around the parks and squares, and it’s flat. You can walk around until your feet fall off. I don’t know much about biking in the city, but judging from the number of bikes I see around here, plenty of people do it. I would also suggest looking up whatever events are going on while you are here. It’s a pretty small town and I find that people generally attend weekend festivals and what not. Having SCAD here also increases the amount of cultural offerings that we get. If you have a car and like the beach, a drive out to Tybee Island (20 mins from downtown) would be nice in the off season. It’s by no means fancy, but hey, it’s the beach.

    • JK

      In Charleston, go to the Gin Joint for drinks. They have fantastic pre-prohibition style drinks that are STRONG! :)

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Charleston restaurant recommendations: Husk or, if you don’t mind about a 15-20 minute drive outside of the downtown area, 17 North. I think it’s technically in Mt. Pleasant (on route 17 north, hence the name). Husk was good. 17 North was better. And not famous and therefore not super hard to get reservations for.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        And if you do go to 17 North and eat pork, you want the porkchop. I don’t eat pork, but my parents had it the first time we went and liked it so much we went back a second time during our week vacation so they could have it again. Though really, everything on their menu is good.

    • JessBee

      We hit Savannah this summer! Pink House was seriously the best meal Mr. JessBee and I have had anywhere. Fried green tomato BLT salad – like, woah. Also, we split a salad and a bowl of soup, and they were really helpful/friendly about it, and it made it easy for us to try more of the delicious food. Pedicabs were a new experience for us, and I got a huge kick out those, too (plus, they’re cheap). Paula Deen’s was not great (as you probably already know), but it was fun, and a must-do for us, too, so I just suggest adjusting your expectations ahead of time. Also, if you like really sweet drinks, try her Honey Pear Martini– it was delicious (but ridiculously sweet).

      If you’re into the ghost stories, be sure to ask at every restaurant, house, and hotel you visit: What’s the ghost story here? Most employees are well-versed, and you might get an insider’s tour (the waitress at the table next to ours at Pink House informed her table that they were her last table of the night, and would they like a tour of the house when they were done? We were jealous!). Also, if you haven’t read/watched Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil lately, pick it up! We listened to the full book on the drive down, and it made visiting graves and other locations in Savannah seem like the book coming to life (which it mostly was!). It was very cool. Along those lines, Bonaventure Cemetery is gorgeous, and you can visit the graves of Johnny Mercer, Conrad Aiken, and a few of the major players in Midnight, too.

      We also love Tybee, if you’re interested in the beach. Have fun!

    • Another S

      FIG in Charleston. Amazing. I got the recommendation from here, went, loved it. If you eat there, know that I’m jealous!

  13. A

    Lawyer question about waiving into different jurisdictions…

    I have been a member of the CA bar since 2008. I found out my MBE score is high enough to waive into the DC bar.

    Can I use the DC var to waive into NY? Someone I know did this several years ago, I just don’t know if its still possible. I read the NY rules and it sounds like it is possible to waive in from DC. BUT there is a rule that you have to have practiced for 5 years before waiving into NY. It is somewhat ambiguous as to whether it requires 5 years in the reciprocating jurisdiction, though that of course makes sense, or just 5 years in general. Has anyone done this and know the answer?

    Here is the rule:

    is currently admitted to the bar in such other jurisdiction or jurisdictions, that at least one such jurisdiction in which the attorney is so admitted would similarly admit an attorney or counselor-at-law admitted to practice in New York State to its bar without examination; and

    (2) (i) while admitted to practice as specified in paragraph (1) of this subdivision, has actually practiced therein, for at least five of the seven years immediately preceding the application:

    • kiley

      I think you’d have to practice in DC for 5 years.

      thank you everyone for your suggestions yesterday!

    • JessC

      Based on the “has actually practiced therein” language, I believe you’re supposed to have actually practiced in DC for 5 years.
      Now, I’ve heard of people waiving into DC and using that to piggy back into getting waived into another state without having practiced in DC and not getting in trouble. But, if it were my license, I wouldn’t take that risk.

      • A

        Thanks guys! I thought the same thing, but like you Jess, had heard of people doing otherwise…

        • Anon

          FWIW I know someone who got admitted to the DC bar and used it to apply for reciprocity in NY all within the same year. She has an interview and expects to be admitted to the NY bar next month. So I don’t think 5 yrs of DC practice is required.

  14. RFI- JAG Jeans sizing

    Paging JAG-jeans owners:

    I got the pull-on style JAGs and need some help from you ladies who have them— do they shrink? Or stretch out? Right now they are 1/2 size too big. Should I just put them in the dryer? OR is better to exchange for the smaller size because they will stretch out?
    I can tell I’m going to love them, but I need the right size first.

    • Anon

      Every time someone mentions JAG jeans I get a visual of a bad-*ss female member of the JAG Corps, prosecuting a court martial in skinny jeans.

      • writergrrl

        /laughs/ And now I’m imagining Sarah Mackenzie from the TV show JAG doing that exact thing! Thanks, anon.

  15. DC Meetup Tonight!

    Last reminder:

    DC Meetup tonight at Vapiano in Chinatown. Meet eek at 5:30 for the early shift, meet me at 7 for the late shift. Eek, can you let us know what you’re wearing today? I decided to take the plunge and wear my black leather pencil skirt today, so the late shift can recognize me from that. I already got a weird look from an assistant, so you guys might want to start thinking of nice ways to tell me I’m not pulling it off as well as I think I am. :)

    • notawhat

      Not in DC, but want to enable your leather skirt wearing! I bet you look like you don’t anyone’s bs!

    • Honey Pillows

      Ooh, black leather pencil skirt. Regardless of what the assistant thinks, I’m excited to see one in action. See you tonight!

      And yes, I am bringing a pumpkin.

    • Anastasia

      So sad I’m going to miss this. I bet your leather pencil skirt looks great!
      Have fun, everyone!

    • BMBG

      I wore color today in honor of y’all, which is very unusual for me! Not a stitch of black or white in sight. See everyone tonight!

    • eek

      I am wearing navy slacks, a navy and white tweedish looking single breasted blazer and a bright pink top with nude pumps. I will also have two large black bags with me since i’m coming from work. It’s more likely you’ll miss me but trip over one of the handles.

    • Bluejay

      ‘r e t t es, I am so so sad, but I’m not going to make it tonight. I am absolutely slammed and decided to work from home. I hope you all have a wonderful time!

    • The Slapdash Sewist

      I am a very infrequent poster, but as Vapiano is mere blocks from my office I have no excuse not to come. I’ll be there sometime after 6. Wearing a turq/purple/white tweedish skirt and a turq silk top. I’ll also be in a denim jacket. And I am wearing pink capri tights. Do not judge the footless tights, man.

    • CountC

      Love the leather pencil skirt.

      I”ll be in a pink blazer!! See you all later :)

  16. Sweet as Soda Pop

    Books to Read after 50 Shades?

    So I finally succumbed to the 50 shades hype and bought the first book, then the 2nd, then the 3rd in quick succession. The writing is awful, but I like what the subject matter is doing for my relationship ;). Do you ladies have any suggestions for other books (better-written, preferably) in the seksy romance literature genre? TIA!

    • Merabella

      Not at all like 50 Shades, but I love the Outlander series. I thought they were very well written and interesting. And they seriously gave a kick to my libido (Jaime is so so seksy!).

      • Honey Pillows

        Seconded. Diana Gabaldon is a fantastic writer, and seriously out-performs any contemporary “erot*c” writer I’ve encountered, and many regular fiction writers. And yes, reading Outlander’s well-written, frequent, and lovely s3x scenes upped my libido.

        After listening to the entire currently published Outlander series during my commute (Davina Porter is a narrator to match Gabaldon’s writing skills), I started listening to Kushiel’s Dart, featuring a masochist holy prostitute in an alternative-world historical France. The author actually handles the issue of consent brilliantly, which many writers completely flub (see 50 Shades).

        If you’re interested in the audiobook, the narrator is no Davina Porter, but she’s fairly decent.

        If you’re really into the BDSM part of 50 Shades (even if you’re not into it IRL), I’d recommend Anne Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series, and Story of O. They’re both fairly extreme, and I felt uncomfortable by the end of both stories, but they’re undeniably dark and s3xy.

    • anonymous

      Strongly recommend checking out the online only “Audrey and Vinnie” series (it’s free and available online, but I can’t send you a link from work — google should hunt it down). I don’t think the series is done, but it’s certainly spicy (and, IMO, much better written than 50 Shades).

      • anonymous

        Just googled – put “Audrey and Vinnie” series into google (with the quotes around Audrey and Vinnie) and the 4th result down references the series.

        • bgo

          The Outlander series is great- I absolutely love it. However, a bit closer to the 50 shades books is a new series by Sylvia Day. Only the first two books are out so far. Bared to you and Reflected in You – it is the cross fire series. She has a lot of other books, but I haven’t read those yet.

    • DCM

      Side tangent because I’m curious. How are these 50 Shades revving up bedroom action for so many people? I tried reading the first book but was so put off with the poor writing and made very uncomfortable with the sadistic nature of the relations. I’m all for out of the box activities but consent is such a big deal for me. The main girl in the 50 Shades books, and I do mean girl, is so naive and taken advantage of in my mind. Sure she may have signed that skeevy contract but was she really enjoying herself?

      Also, any book recs for romances with an equally strong/sexually empowered heroine? And bonus points if its historical.

          • Honey Pillows

            But it is historical!

            I was actually really pleased with the historical accuracy of Gabaldon’s portrayal of the Revolutionary War in the later books (don’t know much about Culloden, but I’m a bit of a Jefferson fangirl).

          • cbackson

            The disturbing violence to me was from the “hero” to the heroine. I read only the first book, because I disliked their relationship dynamic so much. And I’m a longtime romance reader.

          • anon

            Historical or not, it’s disturbing to read a 20th century woman so accepting of such barbaric actions. 50 Shades and Outlander are not books I’d finish reading or recommend.

          • Susan

            I hate anything where the heroine is, as nona says, “too stupid to live,” and worse, has no s#xual agency.

      • anon

        I think the taboo is part of what’s hot. It’s not what people want in real life, which is what makes it a fantasy. Anyway, I read the first book and was shocked by how tame it was! I guess I just read Anne Rice’s Beauty series at a tender age and got jaded.

      • Susan

        That’s what I’m wondering, LOL!

        Maybe it’s the “My SO/fiance/bf/DH is only a 6/10 when it comes to s#x stuff, but compared to this psycho Christian Grey dude who thinks that jackhammering at the ladygarden is great, SO by comparison is a fricking hero in bed.”

      • Honey Pillows

        I think the 50 Shades thing just has to do with a lot of people being introduced to erot*c literature for the first time in their lives. And reading about s3xy things, even if they’re ultimately unhealthy, makes you start thinking about s3xy things, which leads to wanting lady garden parties, which hopefully culminates in a higher frequency and enthusiasm of lady garden parties.

        See above for recs.

        • ummm

          Totally. Er0t!ca is definitely about the fantasy (for me) and not as a how to. There are plenty of things that exciting to read about (or talk about), but that I would never want to actually do. :)

      • cfm

        I seriously do. not. get. the 50 shades phenom. I found them disturbing, anti-feminist, poorly written, and seriously, seriously bad for ladies in general. i stopped less than half way through the first book, and if I had known exactly what they were about i would have never picked them up. at least 3 guys tried to use 50 shades pick up lines on me around the height of the hype, and all of them had to do with the implication that women are ‘asking for it’ i literally lost my sh*t.

        • Herbie

          50 Shades pick-up lines?! Please do enlighten me because my imagination is failing me.

          • anonymous

            I went on a date with a guy who said “Soooo… did you read 50 Shades of Grey?” with his eyebrows raised. But that’s the only one I’ve heard.

            Actually, it ended up being good. He ended up being both respectful of my wishes and also pretty dominant in the bedroom, which I like. I think he asked to start to try and feel out if I was into that too.

          • cfm

            Yeah variations of sooo.. 50 shades.. i always knew women wanted it like that… hey you know i can f*ck like christian grey, “i can make your rape fantasy a reality” (!!!)stuff like that. and ive never been approached with such crude language before. it was seriously something about the book being popular. i like seriously have anger thinking about this book lol.

          • cfm

            I mean I am assuming it was a pick up line! it was literally 3 seperate occasions, a guy I did not know just came up to me and said something disgusting to me with a smile. It was so gross. also I did not like hearing how guy acquaintenecs thought about the popularity of it. And I really don’t like when people read it in public. I have issues about 50 shades I think

      • nona

        Sherry Thomas is fantastic (and historical). Some of the back-of-books sound like could be boring or poorly written, but I promise they are awesome. She’s one of my must reads.

        Julia Quinn is another generally good historical romance author. You could also try Eloisa James (if you haven’t already).

        Check out Smart B!tches, Trashy Books blog for other recommendations. They don’t stand TSTL (too stupid to live) heroines, and won’t be afraid to point them out. (Sidenote, their readers have the same divide on Gabaldon’s books – some love them, some hate them.)

          • nona

            For Sherry Thomas I recommend all of them – start with the backlist (Private Arrangments and Delicious) and work your way from earliest to most recent. The current one out is the 3rd of a trilogy, but can work as a standalone. I just have a thing about reading a series in order. :)

            Julia Quinn has her 8 book Bridgerton series, which would be a good place to start (The Duke and I is the first).

            Eloisa James – I’d probably start with her Essex Sisters Quartet (Much Ado About You), see how you like it and go from there.

            I’m also a huge fan of Suzanne Brockmann, who is romantic suspense (not historical romance), but has this thing about keeping established characters running throughout the books in her series, even if they’ve already had their HEA. Start with Unsung Hero in her Troubleshooter’s Series and go from there :)

            Ooo- Tessa Dare (Lady By Midnight, which is #3 of the Spindle Cove triology) was a really good read.

            Ack -and Courtney Milan (start with Unclaimed). Loved (loved, loved, loved) that series.

            Okay, I’m done, for now.

          • nona

            Random Aside – If I ever win the lottery (or otherwise get the gumption) I’m going to open a romance novel specific bookstore. I found one when I was in Australia and it was awesome. And miss it terribly. I know bookstores are a dying breed (between B&N and e-readers), but I love them and the community they provide.

          • Always a NYer

            Thanks, nona! I’m definitely adding some of those titles to my reading queue!

          • nona

            Yay! There is nothing more satisfying than helping someone find a bunch of new books to read. It is very possible I had my dream job in high school (worked at an independent bookstore).

            I am now trying to decide if that is depressing or not (that I’ve been and done the dream job already).

          • cbackson

            COURTNEY MILAN, yes, seconding this so hard.

            My favorite romance remains Mary Balogh’s “The Famous Heroine” (if we’re not counting Georgette Heyer – if so, it’s “These Old Shades”) which is lovely.

          • nona

            I usually judge a romance novel a success by whether I cry at some point in the book (out of empathy, not frustration). I think I cried with every one of Milan’s Un-series (Unclaimed, Unraveled, Unsomething else). I ‘m pretty sure Sherry Thomas made me cry too.

      • Cookies

        I loved Jennifer Donnelly – The Tea Rose, The Winter Rose and The Wild Rose. It’s a three book series, strong female lead characters and some good romance. Oh yea, and it’s historical fiction. I’ve read and re-read these books so many times.

    • Sweet as Soda Pop

      Kat, could you remove my email info? My iPad auto populated! Thanks!

      • anonymous

        FWIW, your email info doesn’t show for me, just the generic “gmail.com.”

    • TCFKAG

      This is going to sound weird, but why not just spend some time on Archive of our own (ao3) reading some fan fic for your favorite show/characters/etc.? There’s some pretty good stuff being written out there in a variety of genres and you don’t have to pay for it.

      • anon

        Also fanfiction dot net has some pretty good stuff. I’ve read amazing Chair fics in the GG archives that is a million times more publish worthy than 50 Shades.

      • shortiek

        yes!
        Fanfiction is awesome, free, and often much better written than 50 shades.
        Ao3 ‘s filtering/browsing system has been down for awhile so it can be annoying to find things. I’ve found that googling “_ _ fic rec” (with _ _ being the series/genre and ladygarden party style of your choice) leads me to recommendation lists that fit whatever I’m in the mood for. The sheer amount of Harry Potter pwp is astounding!

      • Snoozy

        I love this site. Advice when I posted about my narcolepsy, fashion and work tips, and women who are happy to recommend reading fan fiction! (I may or may not have made fairly extensive use of the fact that you can download from AO3 in Kindle format…)

        Thanks for all the other recs, too!

      • Anon for this

        I have to admit, every 6 months or so I go back to reading my favorite fan fic (Snape/Hermione) online. It is so so good, but so so bad.

    • Always a NYer

      Sherrilyn Kenyon books are good. The Dark Hunter series crosses sci-fi with romance and if you don’t like one of the couplings, chances are you’ll enjoy the next. Acheron was the first one I read, it’s in the middle of the series, and despite the difficult to read first part (lots of abuse and self-loathing until the hero is able to process and move forward) I really enjoyed the romance in part two.

    • writergrrl

      Can I just do a big disrecommend for Diana Galbadon? She’s got /huge/ violence/consent issues in her books, plus her opinion of fanfic and fanfic writers is so off-the-wall and off-putting I can’t bring myself to read her.

      I heartily second the recommendation for Julia Quinn. More straight-up romance than BDSM, but she is hilarious. And she writes lovely sex scenes. Amanda Quick, too.

      If you like 50 Shades, which in all honesty is bad fanfic with the serial numbers shaved off, you could do a lot worse than actual fanfiction. There is a huge amount of dreck, but there’s also stuff that blows pro writing out of the water.

    • karenpadi

      Anything by Susan Johnson. Trust me on this.

      She’s usually in the romance section of the bookstore.

  17. recent grad

    Sweater problem – When I started working last year, I bought a lot of J.crew sweaters and a few Banana cardigans. Fast forward to this year, I pull them out and realize how worn and awful they all look. So now I need to buy new ones! Argh. Any advice on what brands hold up well, what to look for and how to care for them so this doesn’t happen to the next bunch? I’d be willing to spend a little bit more if it means that they will last more than one season. TIA!

    • violet

      ugh, none. Buy the cheap ones from target & old navy. Then re-buy the next year.

    • Midwest

      Don’t feel bad. I baby my sweaters and I’ve pretty much given up on buying sweaters at BR. For the price, they don’t hold up and look crappy after a few months. Sad, because I have a BR sweater from 2006-ish that still looks brand-new.

      I’m in the same boat and don’t have many suggestions in this price range, unfortunately.

      Unless the label specifically says dry clean only, I’m OK with hand-washing sweaters in cold water. Don’t use too much soap, and don’t put anything in the dryer. Lay it flat to dry and steam it if it looks wrinkly.

      Also, I don’t wash my sweaters all that often — maybe every 4 wears or so? Just when they start losing their shape or have a funky odor. Wearing a tank or tee underneath helps a lot.

      • jp

        yep, I have a BR merino sweater from 1999 that I wore all the time and still is pill-free! Sadly, I can only wear it around the house because I snagged it terribly in 2 places — little did I know that I should have been babying that rarity of good-quality sweater :(

    • jp

      Yeah, I’ve been avoiding JC & BR knits for a few years now. Brooks Brothers has high quality sweaters, but they can be more matronly. Try their outlet, too.
      I handwash my sweaters (don’t use Woolite though, it’s supposedly very harsh) mostly and dryclean them once or twice a year.

      • qwerty

        the only sweater i have that still looks good after several seasons is a black merino wool wrap-style cardigan from the brooks bros outlet (I paid about $60 for it 3 years ago). avoid BR, Gap, JCrew, they barely last one season.

    • PollyD

      Boden seems to be pretty good quality. But yeah, I agree with Violet – I get most of my cardigans at Target, Old Navy, Loft, and just replace more frequently. And I have a lot of them so none get worn all the often!

      Also, I don’t really wash my cardigans. I always wear something with sleeves under them, and I drive to work and sit on my a@@ all day, so it’s not like I get sweaty and stink them up. The once-a-season I do wash them, I hand wash in cold and dry flat. I think no matter what the quality, you just can’t expect any sort of knits to survive machine washing and drying (even gently!) for very long.

      • KC

        Glad to hear someone else washes cardigans as infrequently as I do! I always wear a shirt/tank under them, so I wash each maybe twice a season.

      • Nonny

        I also wash infrequently, by hand and dry flat. But I also think that if you want things to last, you have to start with a good product. BR is not going to get you there these days. We discussed cashmere sweaters here a few weeks ago and, at various price points, the winners appeared to be Brora (but I’m biased there), Lord & Taylor, Uniqlo and Land’s End.

    • Bluejay

      My sweaters from Loft tend to last more than 2 years. I machine wash and line dry.

      • Research, Not Law

        I wouldn’t buy their new ones. I also wouldn’t buy the Halogen one at Nordstrom.

        I have had good luck with the JCrew Jackie specifically. My Target Merona is shockingly durable, especially considering how I abuse it since it was the cheapo. I have heard good things about the durability of Lands End, so I’m going to try those next. I’m also in need!

    • CapnKate

      Try thrift stores or consignment. Odds are if they survived their first owner, they’ll survive you. Just a thought.

  18. Anon

    This is gross, but I think I am starting to develop bunions (I’m 30). That part of my foot really hurts at night and I have to stretch it out. I already wear very low, roomy heels because I can’t do pointy, super tall ones (kudos to those of you who can!). Anything I can do?

    • Double Bunionectomy Surgery at Age 23 :(

      Orthotics can help. You should probably visit a podiatrist, who can make you custom ones.

      • 2lawl

        I second the orthotics.

        Not to go on much of a tangent, but does anyone else have orthotics that they wear regularly? I got a pair of Naot’s sandals (custom orthotics) for my business casual summer job, but I think they look cheap (especially for what they cost me!) and just don’t go with my other clothes at all. I find myself wearing my heels or my totally unsupported flats all of the time instead. I’ve tried looking for alternatives, but I’m not having any luck. Any recommendations?

    • Kontraktor

      Sadly I think I am too. I bought a splint (called Bunion Aid, I bought it on A-zon) that I now wear at night and usually at home when I am not at work. It really does help to relieve some of the pain and inflamation. For the first couple of hours after I take it off, my foot doesn’t really hurt and everything looks more aligned. It’s supposed to help correct alignment permanently but I don’t know if I have noticed that. But, I continue to use it because it does relieve the pain and my foot stays aligned so long as I wear it, so I figure it can’t hurt.

      I may look into one of those sock/sleeve type things you can wear with shoes so I can have the support all the time and hopefully not make anything worse.

      Going to a podiatrist might help, but unless it’s bad enough for surgery, there isn’t a whole lot that can be done as far as I know. They might perscribe you some RX naproxen to reduce inflammation or if it’s a bit bad, offer to give you a steroid shot.

    • zora

      i dont have any experience with this myself, but i had a yoga teacher who was helping other students with exercises they could do to counter their developing bunions. a lot of stretching and developing other muscles in the foot. Might look into that.

    • Bluejay

      Those Yoga Toes things you can buy at drugstores should help with the pain, if not the bunion itself.

      • Anon

        For Bluejay – Thanks! Also since you are on here today, I have been trying to find your review on some sort of foot thing to make shoes more comfortable. You reviewed them a while back with the summer pearl things that were supposed to keep you cold in the commute. What was the name of those?

        • Bluejay

          Hmmm. I don’t remember specifically, but could it have been Insolia, dancer’s wool, Body Glide, or Hue footie socks? I have probably recommended all of those at one point or another.

          BTW, I bought those pearl things and they were complete crap. Do not recommend.

    • e_pontellier

      Hi, I have bunions and had to get custom orthodics at 22. (Thanks, 10 years of ballet). If you start doing exercises now – pointing and flexing your toes, relevés, and stretching your calves – you should be able to strengthen your feet enough to avoid custom orthodics. It’s really annoying to have to do that every day, but it helps the pain go away. I also got non-custom inserts that provide a bit of extra arch support that I can wear with flats. I would recommend seeing a podiatrist but if they take insurance, they’re REALLY going to push surgery (in my experience). So, just be firm about how you don’t want surgery. Good luck!

  19. Kitten Heel

    Hi Ladies!

    Quick Question: is it okay to go cardigan-less or blazer-less at the office? I usually wear long sleeve silk blouses so my arms are covered, but I noticed most women wear a cardigan. I am a newbie attorney at a business casual biglaw firm in the midatlantic- not sure if I’d be breaking some unspoken code by not wearing a third piece.

      • Erin

        Agreed. When I’m wearing long sleeves and am not freezing –> no cardi/blazer. I also hate wearing a blazer so I keep a snuggly cardigan in my office.

        Plus, I feel like they so rarely make work tops that are not long sleeved–what is up with that?

        • Erin

          oops. meant to say, why is it so difficult to find long sleeves that aren’t button downs?! I find most tops to be sleeveless!

    • Kontraktor

      I for some reason feel more put together when I wear a third piece. Not sure why I have developed a mild aversion to just wearing blouses/dresses by themselves. But, when I do just wear a blouse, I will so long as the blouse has some sort of sleeve. Obviously it’s a know your office thing, but I generally think arms being covered (to some degree) is a higher priority than wearing 3 pieces. But I don’t think there is any unspoken rule about wearing 3 pieces.

      • Cornellian

        I noticed this recently! I’m so used to wearing a third piece at work that when I’m bumming around in jeans on the weekend, I have a compulsion to find a cardigan, even if it’s 80 degrees out.

      • CKB

        This is how I feel too. I just feel more polished when I wear a third piece in my business casual office.

    • regular poster, anon for this

      ::looks down at current outfit, consisting of long sleeved silk blouse lacking cardigan:: … I think you’re good!

    • JessC

      I typically wear a cardigan or blazer to cover my arms (because what I’m wearing underneath is sleeveless or short sleeved). If I were wearing a long-sleeved blouse, I wouldn’t feel the need to wear a cardigan or blazer (unless I was cold).

      • Research, Not Law

        This. If you have sleeves, you don’t need a jacket or cardigan. If you’re feeling undone, you can add a scarf. I personally don’t think it looks unfinished.

  20. NOLA

    @In the Pink, I posted an answer to your question about the Vince Camuto Jasper Mary Janes but it was really late last night (I was hardly home in the evening). I’m wearing them today!

    And just when I thought I couldn’t beat myself up any more about the fact that all of my extra weight has migrated to my midsection, one of the cleaning ladies in the building asked me if I was pregnant this morning. I just glared at her and said “I’m 48 years old, what do you think?”

    • Susan

      *hugs* *tea & sympathy*

      I really wonder about these people– what’s it to them whether or not somebody’s pregnant or have gained 5 lbs or whatnot? It has nothing to do with them, and I just think they’re bored people who are, well bored because they’re boring, so they try to alleviate that by being nosy about others.

      • NOLA

        I was so pissed off because I really like this dress and I feel like it’s flattering and she made me self-conscious. The funny thing is that she said that at the front door, then I walked through the building past one of the other housekeepers and she stopped me to compliment me on the dress! My trusted colleagues have assured me that I do not, in fact, look pregnant in the dress.

    • In the Pink

      SO sorry NOLA! People need to keep their ideas to themselves.

      Except of course our helpful hive.

      Just read your comments. I did think you’d be wearing them while lecturing…so I had hopes, now fulfilled. Wonder if I can find them locally to do a test walk…so enticing. Thanks!

      • NOLA

        I think they are still around in the suede. I bought mine at Dillard’s – not sure where you are. I find them pretty easy to walk in. They’re well balanced. When I first got them, I felt like the patent made them catch on each other, but I haven’t noticed that recently.

        • In the Pink

          I’m in Houston, so I will check at Dillards. Gosh, you are REALLY convincing me! :)

    • e_pontellier

      That’s horrible. I posted a few weeks ago when a law school classmate came up to me and asked if I’m pregnant. Someone responded and said that you should only ask a woman whether she’s pregnant if you can see the child coming out of her.

    • cfm

      whhhhy do people ask this? I don’t even ask women who look 8 months pregnant on the metro if they want to sit, in case i am wrong and they realize why I asked. I just get up if they are near me, casually deciding to stand.

      • KC

        Ha. I do this too! I would hate to accidentally assume someone is pregnant/risk embarassing her, so instead I just casually get up to “stretch my legs.”

  21. LW

    I think I’m just posting this out of nervousness and paranoia, but I’m psyching myself out a bit…

    I am interviewing for a job I really want tomorrow. It is with a big tech company (but in management, not engineering). I stupidly have yet to buy myself a black skirt suit, mostly because I haven’t seen any really good quality ones. I’m planning to wear either: a blue pantsuit OR a gray wool blazer + a non-matching poly gray skirt.

    Which one would you go with? Does it even matter as much for a tech company? I’m a bit paranoid after all these stories about women not getting hired simply for wearing pants instead of a skirt!

    Ahhhh! :P

    • LW

      Actually, I was just reminded to ask: Any recommendations for a very high-quality black skirt suit? I am willing to pay up to $1000 and can wait for a sale (so the MSRP could be closer to $2000), but I want it to be well-constructed. I’d prefer fully-canvassed, not fused if possible and I want it to be wool.

      There is a gorgeous cashmere black blazer at Brooks Brothers, but it sadly doesn’t come with a matching skirt. :(

      • Kontraktor

        Try St. John, Armani, or Burberry. All these have some great options. I once tried on this fabulous Burberry dress that was heavy black wool and looked like 2 pieces. Were I in the market for an $800 dress, I totally would have bought it for interviews. St. John always has lovely pieces. Armani is a bit trendier but still has some really beautiful suits that would make anybody look sharp.

    • Mpls

      Wait – do you have confirmation of pants losing the job story? B/c otherwise that sounds a bit urban legend. And would you seriously want to work for a company that would ding you for that in this day and age?

      Wear the suit you feel the most comfortable and confident in.

    • Kontraktor

      I’d go with the pant suit, especially if you like it, it fits you well, and you want to wear a suit. I don’t think you specifically need a skirt suit, much less a black suit, especially for a tech company interview. I’d be careful of wearing separates that are 2 different shades of gray though because it might look mis-matched. If you do decide to go with separates, I think black or navy bottoms would be really nice with gray. Or any dark, jewel toned bottom. But probably not gray bottoms.

      Not like an anecdote of n=1 means anything, but I have worn so many random/different things to interviews and gotten jobs and not gotten jobs, so I kind of feel like if they were going to ding/fail to hire you for not wearing ABC stupid thing, they’d probably find something else to ding you on and wouldn’t have hired you anyway.

    • Bunkster

      I’m in IT. When I interview, I wear separates. I started my current job last month. For the first round, I wore a black Ann Taylor jacket with a black top and black printed skirt. For the second round, I wore a black collarless Calvin Klein jacket with a black pencil skirt and a blue printed top. Both the collarless jacket and the pencil skirt were items I picked up at TJMaxx.

      I think you’re fine in whatever you choose. Just dress professionally.

    • LadyEnginerd

      Pants suit if the blue is navy blue. In fact, I would NOT recommend skirt in tech if they have any sort of facility (like a factory), as you’ll just look silly if you go anywhere near any equipment in a skirt. I don’t think anyone who came up thru the engineering track will ding you for pants. Do you really want to work at a tech company where the management will ding you for a pantsuit, when that’s what all the men will be wearing? I think that would be a red flag of someone thinking very rigidly about women (tech’s hard enough on women without people judging you for not looking feminine enough).

      Wear very comfortable shoes if the interview lasts more than an hour (like a final round that will last all day). In my limited experience and small corner of tech, I usually get some sort of plant tour where the guide is wearing something super comfortable and won’t “get” that someone who is dressed up might not want to take the stairs instead of the elevator. My feet wanted to die after a day at a large semiconductor company.

    • Anon

      I had never heard that skirt suits were more conservative/professional than pants suits until my senior year of college. Right before I was interviewing. So, of course I panicked and bought a skirt suit, but I wasn’t happy with the fit/there wasn’t time to get it properly altered.

      The morning of the final round interviews for a dream job, I made an executive decision and wore my trusty black pants suit that fit well and made me feel confident. I got an offer for that job. Since then, I’ve decided that I feel more professional/powerful in a pant suit and so that’s what I wear to interviews.

  22. SV in House

    Has anyone been on a safari? There is a deal site getaway to Kenya — Amboseli National Park, Aberdare National Park, and Lake Nakuru National Park. There are options for stop overs in Dubai. Would this be a good first time safari? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I have, but not in Kenya. It was an amazing experience and I would love to go back. However, I am not sure I would just go with whatever company is offering the best deal. I think it would be better to do some research and make sure you are going with a reputable company that is going to provide you with a great experience and keep you safe. Also when is the trip? Kenya has elections coming up in March 2013, and there was quite a bit of violence last time they had elections. I’m not sure I would book a trip to Kenya without waiting to see how things play out first. Or, if you do book, make sure you have trip insurance that will allow you to get your money back if there is civil unrest.

    • EM

      I recently did a safari in SA and would love to go back (thinking Kenya next time). I second the comment to do some research rather than going with the best deal. Infrastructure and common amenities are severely lacking in many places and you want to make sure that you will be comfortable and safe. Also, you want to check on the quality of the game viewing (because that is what you are going for!). How many game drives will you have? How many people in your vehicle? What kind of vehicle? When I went, we were in Sabi Sands, a private game reserve bordering on Kruger National Park. As a result, the rangers (we had a tracker and a ranger in each vehicle) were allowed to go off of the roads. It doesn’t sound like that big a deal, but most of the animals are not on the main road and you want to be able to follow them into the bush. You probably want as small a group as possible (we had 6) for your game drives. In “the bush” I saw vehicles with as many as 15 people in them – I imagine that cut down on the experience. I am getting excited for you just thinking about it!

      • Anonymous

        I’m the anon from above–I agree with all of this. Your guide will make or break your trip–you want someone who is an experienced and skilled driver (the roads are terrible in many places), and who has a lot of experience finding game, and someone who has been doing it long enough to know the park rangers. At one point on our trip, we an into a ranger our guide knew, the ranger got into our vehicle with us, and led us off-road to where a mama lion and her cubs were (we would not have been permitted to do this without the ranger in the car with us).

        Also, when I went, it was just me, my husband, and our guide. I think it would have been fine to be in a group of 4-6 tourists + the guide, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be with one of those huge groups.

    • G-Anon

      Agree with everyone above that your guide will make or break your trip. But, I will also note that it would be a shame to go to Kenya and miss out on the Masai Mara. I visited Lake Nukuru and the Mara, and saw all the animals you want to see – lions, leopards, giraffes, hippos, rhinos, etc. I’d definitely research the other two areas to see if they’re known for having “good” safaris – where you are likely to see the animals you want to see.

  23. wedding fun

    My friend is getting married and she has a honeymoon fund registry. I wanted to give something a little more personal than cash and I’m considering getting them a gift certificate to a nice restaurant in NYC where they live. They are postponing the HM until after she finishes school and my thought is to pick a restaurant that highlights the cuisine of their upcoming trip. Thoughts? I haven’t been to many weddings so hopefully the hive can help me avoid a faux pas.

    Thanks!

    • Susan

      I consider a honeymoon fund registry in itself to be a huge faux pas.

      So, other than giving her a bunch of multi-colored v!brators with a note saying “you’ll need these being married to your guy!”, I don’t see how you’re likely to make a bigger faux pas.

      What you’re thinking of doing is fine.

      • Anne Shirley

        Love. Especially tacky when they aren’t even going on their honeymoon right away. They’re just asking for cash, and I think your idea is lovely!

      • I am a banana.

        Really? I like the honeymoon registries because I like the option of giving people a chance to go do something they want to do, as opposed to an ugly gravy boat or one china plate they will never use. If that’s a huge faux pas I’m fine with that.

        -Total hick.

        • clipper

          I totally do not get the uproar over the honeymoon fund registry. I mean, who cares? So they registered for a honeymoon and you think it’s tacky. Get over yourself! The gift you give is about them, not about you. They told you what they wanted and if you want to ignore that, ask yourself what you intend to prove and who is being the difficult one.

          • Susan

            For most American weddings (I’ve been to Chinese weddings where that is the tradition), it’s tacky to ask for money. People can ask for all sorts of things, and just because it’s about them, it doesn’t make the gift not-tacky or right.

            “Get over yourself,” um, you can bite me.

            Given how angry you are about this whole thing and all your nonsense about “what you intend to prove,” I’m guessing you’re tacky and defensive. And no, I don’t need you to like me.

          • Anon

            Susan – when you went to Chinese weddings, did you give them money since that is the tradition?

          • rosie

            One issue for me is that everyone likes money, and most people know that cash is a welcome gift at weddings. There is no need to ask for if specifically. Many websites for honeymoon registries take a cut and just give the couple cash, which I think is deceptive (your guest thinks they’re buying you scuba lessons, but you get a check from the website–less 7% or whatever–and do what you want with the money). If I wanted to give someone cash to use on their honeymoon, I can hand them a card with a check in it and write “hope this helps with your awesome honeymoon” in the card.

          • Susan

            @Anon 1:05pm

            Yes, it was a full scale Chinese banquet.

            And the tradition, as it was explained to me by a member of the wedding party was: as a guest who was a non-relative of either the bride or groom, the hong bao (red envelope containing money) is given to reimburse the couple for hosting this big shindig that we guests were enjoying.

            I believe the close relatives of the bride and groom typically put higher amounts in their hong bao than non-relatives who are guests, though.

          • Geronimo

            While I think the restaurant idea is fine and understandable, I just want to say that I think it okay to ask for honeymoon $, or just plain old $, because, you know, maybe your house is already full of crap, and/or you would like to make the most efficient use of the funds people are willing to give you (i.e., collect, wait for sales/use coupons, and acquire the maximum amount, rather than have individual guests buy $X things full price because to them, the important thing is spending the right amount, not getting the right thing for that amount). Fine that others disagree, but considering that there is a split on this site and in the world, perhaps don’t use such strong, judgmental language when people are making reasonable decisions (i.e., those made by many of the other not-crazy people who get married today in modernized countries). Also, in some cultures, it is expected that guests will give cash-only gifts. Are you saying that those cultures are crass/boorish/rude/etc.?

          • Mpls

            Isn’t is rude and presumption to specify any sort of gift (cash or not)? It’s the demand that’s rude, not the having of preferences. I don’t really see how asking for stuff (any other registry) is really that much more offensive than asking for help with an experience (like a honeymoon).

            I choose to look at registries as a “if you want to get me something, this is something I would really appreciate” resource for those that don’t know what the couple (or person or parent) already has or doesn’t know the couple well enough to pick something personal and appropriate out. And from what I’ve heard, plenty of people want help and guidance on getting a couple what they want.

            And OP – there are opinions on every point of the tacky to appropriate spectrum on registries (household and honeymoon) this that you will not get a consensus. You know the couple better than any of us do, and would know if they would appreciate your gift. If you think they would use the non-registry gift, then get it and give in good wishes. If they can’t be gracious recipients, that is their problem, not yours.

        • Bluejay

          Agree. And honestly, my friends who have had honeymoon registries seem to love the gifts they get way more than the gifts from regular registries. I’ve never seen anyone get ecstatic over a piece of china, but my friends to whom I gave a horseback ride on the beach in Costa Rica still talk about it 6 years later.

          • KLG

            I think this is generally true but might be a “know the couple” thing. My china was a BIG deal for me and I was ecstatic every time a setting arrived and every time I use it and I will probably always remember who gave us a setting, including my dad’s coworker. :)

          • i'm like this too

            I totally disagree. We had a honeymoon registry – every cent got used for our honeymoon which we would not have been able to take otherwise.

            The gifts that some people brought anyway are still in boxes in my closet! (need to goodwill them!)

      • MK

        I feel completely the opposite. We did a honeymoon registry after I’d seen some friends do one, and almost all of the young people (and many of the baby boomers) who came to our wedding chose to give to that registry rather than purchase something off of our regular store registry. They all told me what a fun idea it was, and they loved the idea of purchasing something for us that they could imagine us really enjoying, rather than just a piece of china that we might only use at dinner parties 5 years down the road. Our friends and family knew that we would prefer not to go into debt for our honeymoon, and they wanted to help us make those memories that we will have forever.

        What I was most surprised by was the number of people who just brought checks/cash to the wedding. This reinforced my view that cash is a perfectly acceptable thing to give at an any wedding, and that the honeymoon registry is a great idea.

        We ended up returning most of the stuff we got from our store registry because we realized we don’t have storage space for it. The problem is that we can’t just use that credit anywhere, but only at the store where we registered. The honeymoon/cash gifts, on the other hand, are helping us to start to build our nest egg that we’ll someday use for a down payment. I think most people who give to a new couple would prefer to think they’re helping with the latter rather than just giving a thing that might someday get a little bit of use.

    • Mpls

      I think that sounds very thoughtful. It’s something they can use right away, won’t take up room in the apartment, and demonstrates that you know them to a degree.

      People are all over the board on the appropriateness of (various kinds of) registries, but in the end I think they are there to help you get a sense of what the couple truly wants/needs and help the giver find something the recipient really does want. BUT, that doesn’t mean you can only get what they asked for – gifts are not obligations nor admissions to a wedding (or any event), and can not be dictated by the recipient.

    • Bluejay

      I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving them a gift cert, but I think it’s better to give them what they’ve registered for. Assuming they don’t have the money to just go do whatever they want, they’ve registered for something they really want to celebrate their marriage with and they can’t do it unless others give it to them. That’s the point of a registry. Personally, if all I wanted was a honeymoon and I ended up with 20 people giving me $2000 worth of gift certificates to restaurants, I’d probably cry.

      At the very least, if you don’t like the honeymoon registry, can you give them something that can be returned if they don’t like it?

    • rosie

      I don’t think honeymoon registries are all that appropriate, but what you are suggesting sounds fine in any case. One thing about restaurant GCs–ask if they will be able to use the GC for tip. If they don’t usually spend much on eating out, it’s a little off-putting for them to have to spend $20-30 out of pocket to tip on the meal you gifted to them. We had this issue when we were trying to get a thank you gift for a friend, and we found that some restaurants didn’t care, and some were very particular that the tip couldn’t come out of the GC.

      • wedding fun

        Thanks to everyone that posted so far! Susan, your comment had me laughing out loud.

        @Bluejay: thank you for the opposing perspective. I’m hoping they don’t cry at a restaurant GC seeing as they love food. If they were avid sport fans for example, I would tailor the gift accordingly. I’m trying to be a little bit creative since I’m thinking most people are going to contribute to the fund.

        @Rosie: I had not thought about issues with the tip. I will call the restaurant and see how to deal with that. I don’t want them to have to tip out of pocket.

        • Bluejay

          Sure, I mean, it depends on the people. I do not make a lot of money and have not taken a vacation since 2007, and the only way I’d be able to go on a honeymoon ever is with a honeymoon registry. So I think the people who find them, and other registries, so offensive lack a certain perspective on why couples use them.

          • Susan

            I think it’s tacky in general to ask for gifts or money. It’s the asking, more than what is asked for.

            I would be OK with people asking for help to pay for the wedding, assuming that the people they’re asking will be invited and be part of the event and it wasn’t some $1million extravaganza. Whereas that would not be possible (or recommended!) in the honeymoon (for $ contributors to join in.)

            But even then, I can see how that would invite some criticism: if you can’t afford X for your wedding, you shouldn’t do X. I would venture that the same applies to a honeymoon, and even more so.

          • AT

            If we can accept the premise that weddings are a celebration that we honor with gifts, I personally think honeymoon registries are great because they provide experiences, and anticipation about experiences, which all the happiness research supports as being more happiness-generating than “stuff.” Also, with people marrying later, the likelihood that a couple will actually need/want all the “stuff” that is on a traditional wedding registry diminishes. I think we’re in the early stages of a shift in gift-giving protocol and in 20 years it will totally be “appropriate” and not “tacky” to have honeymoon registries. It might actually be old-fashioned, because who knows what will come next? But for me, the bottom line is that the rationale behind traditional gift-giving (the couple is young, fresh out of their parents’ home and need everything to start a household) is inapplicable in many instances, and this is the natural evolution.

    • anon_guest

      I find I’m annoyed by the registry only when I’m also annoyed by the wedding.

    • Fiona

      I have one. I love it. I got it on Gilt or a similar site (I can’t remember now) in 2009 and it has been great. I just got the base model, without any pillow top option, and it’s really nice — not too firm, not too soft. I also just have the mattress on a platform bed, with no box spring.

      And fwiw, we moved about 6 months ago and one of the movers randomly said “this is a really nice mattress!” I figure they see a lot of mattresses. =)

    • Susan

      I just got spammed by some shopping site about this. Is this is what’s prompting this query?

      One of my neighbors has this and has been fine with it. But, she’s also young, and doesn’t seem to be the sort who has any aches, pains, etc. Maybe it’d be more helpful if she were 90 and had all these hip/back issues.

      • Let's Go to the Mattresses

        Yes, Ideeli is selling them today – I had seen them on Rue La La and Gilt before, so just wondered…

    • JK

      I have one (got it on Rue La La) and LOVE it. It’s on the firmer side but still very comfortable. Got the W Beds feather top too and it’s divine.

  25. gov anon

    TJs: First, I want to thank whoever suggested putting leopard with teal. I’m wearing the (new) skirt in the teal blue color with a leopard top today, and after a couple of hours, have decided I really like it.

    Second, I’m very disappointed yesterday’s Cardinals game was in the afternoon so I couldn’t watch it. I was really hoping to see Ellen on TV.

    • Herbie

      Girl! The game was rain delayed for a long time. You totes could have watched it. I hope the Manageing Partner let Ellen go to the game.

    • Senior Attorney

      Yay! That was me! So happy you like it!! I bet you look great!

      And Ellen did indeed go to the game and reported on it above!

  26. Anon

    Does your SO introduce you to new things? I realized this week that in the 4 years my SO and I have been dating, I have very rarely tried new things because of him. I thought about all of the things we have tried…new restaurants, places we have traveled, outdoors activities, plays we have seen, social events with friends etc, and I am the driving force behind 90% of them. Unless I plan something new for us to do, he is content to laze around the hosue, go to one of our neighborhood restaurants and generally do for little. Just curious what people think about this.

    I was reflecting on our relationship in general, trying to figure out why I can’t feel certain that he is “the one” and I think this is a big part of it. Is this an unreasonable dealbreaker? Are there men out there who will introduce me to new things or are most of them like my SO? Help?

    • petitesq

      I don’t know that introducing you to new things needs to be a requirement of a spouse. That’s what hobbies are for, and you sound perfectly capable of finding new things yourself. That said, someone who has and wants the same (more adventuresome) lifestyle you do IS a big compatibility thing, and you’re not crazy to want someone who has similar interests and energy levels. Are you otherwise really happy? Do you mind being the “social director”? Will he do the new fun things with you with enthusiasm? If all of those are yes, perhaps not so big a problem.

    • Susan

      This seems like a very minor thing, in my opinion, but again, context is key:

      Important question: when you suggest [new thing], is he willing to go along? Or does he drag his feet and act like he’s doing you a huge favor indulging your whims? If he’s OK with going along, I don’t see the problem.

      I do notice a lot of women want to be led. This is neither good nor bad, I’ve just noticed this often enough. Somehow, the guy has to be the one to initiate a lot of things and introduce them to stuff. (Makes me wonder sometimes if this is a displaced teacher-daddy-thing?) If this is really important for you– that he “show you the world,” and be the more adventuresome one, then maybe it is a problem.

      If not, then what’s wrong with being the more adventuresome one? What’s wrong with being the more interesting one? There’s something nice, to me, about the balance – you bring the spice to the relationship, he brings the cozy homey weekends. I think both can co-exist, and if he appreciates what you do, and you appreciate what he brings, it doesn’t have to be a problem.

      • Anon

        He is willing to go along with about 75% of what I suggest, usually with enthusiasm, so that part is good. Its not that I want him to show me the world. Its more that I wonder what it would be like to hav e an SO where I come up with new things and so does he. Trying new things that other people want to do exposes you to things you might have never thought to do. But maybe this is just a case of the grass being greener

        • Susan

          75% sounds pretty good. :-)

          I think I’ll echo what petitesq said– your friends can do this for you. If this is your SO’s only “major” flaw, he sounds like a keeper!

    • Kontraktor

      My husband is sort of the same way. I have definitely pushed him into new areas way more than he has pushed me. I do most of the planning and picking, and generally if I want something to get done or I want to try whatever new thing, I have to be in charge of that. It bothers me sometimes, but I think it has started to bother me less over the years. I always make sure to give him the chance to override, pick himself, or plan and voice his opinion on what we’re doing (ex, “It’s really okay if you don’t want to do this. Please just tell me and we will plan something else”). When he tells me it’s all fine and he is happy, I just try to go with it and enjoy the fact I am doing what I like to do and enjoy that he is willing to try that thing with me.

      The flip side of all this is that he can really ground me when my ideas get a little out there. When I say I like some crazy piece of furniture, start talking about a crazy trip, or saying I want to do some somewhat bizarre thing, he serves as a great check to that. Not all crazy ideas are really that good. So, I have come to really enjoy his perspective that tones down my taste sometimes.

      Ultimately I am just really happy to have somebody so willing to try things with me, regardless of whose idea they are.

    • JessC

      Would I say this is a completely unreasonable dealbreaker in a relationship? No. Some people are more content with the lives they have and don’t feel the need to go and seek out something more. Some people have a higher level of wonderlust and desire to find new and interesting things. Neither of these characteristics are a bad thing in and of themselves.
      What I think you need to ask yourself is do you want a partner who will go along with you as you try new things (which it sounds like you do have) or do you want someone who is going to take the reins occassionally when it comes to finding new things.

    • Emme

      Not a snarky question: Have you asked him to find new things for you to try? DH also didn’t try new things but I got sick of being cruise director and had three (!) talks with him over a year to get him to try to come up with stuff for us to do. I put it as a not-stagnating-the-relationship issue. I sent him links to various DC-based Web sites of stuff to do and after a couple rough starts (why we needed three talks), he finally started looking at the Smithsonian upcoming exhibits or National Geographic events or DCist weekend roundups or new restaurant reviews. Now, every few months, he’ll have a suggestion. I don’t always want to do them but I am always happy he put effort into looking and tell him so. He’s happy cause I’m happy and he usually ends up liking most of the stuff we do try.

    • rosie

      The things you listed–social events, restaurants, etc.–don’t necessarily sound like trying new things, they sound like doing stuff versus hanging out at home, and it sounds like you have different styles. But it seems like it’s not that he won’t go out with you or do things out of the house, it’s just that he doesn’t take the initiative in planning. Is that right? If you want him to suggest things to do, maybe talk to him and see if he’ll sign up for living social or similar, and then he can suggest new restaurants/activities to you. Do you think that would help you feel better about things? I don’t see this as a big problem, though–it sounds like you do different things together and enjoy them.

    • Anon

      I am the driving force behind most new things we try, but part of that is because I am a type-A, oldest child, control freak, LOL. He says that he has tried (and enjoyed) so many new foods because of me. Like eggplant, seriously. The only thing that bugs me now is that I like to plan weekend activities for our three kids and he is always happy and helpful when we go, but he never takes the initiative to plan. It doesn’t take a ton of work to plan these things but working full time as a lawyer doesn’t leave me with much headspace to get it organized. If I ask him to get it figured out for us he will though.

    • Bluejay

      It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t have much of a sense of adventure or desire to try new things. If that’s a dealbreaker for you, it’s not unreasonable. Personally, I’m pretty independent and don’t care if my partner wants to do things with me all the time or not, so it would not be a dealbreaker for me.

      • DC Jenny

        +1 I am in this situation with my SO. He’s there when I want to chill at home or in the neighborhood. He goes with me some of the time for new/social things. The rest of the time I do it with friends. Works for us, and it doesn’t bother me at all. In fact, I think it’s good for us not to do everything together.

        • JJ

          Agreed. Given his druthers, my husband would stay home every day and chill out. He’ll go to some things that I suggest with me if I tell him that it’s important to me. Otherwise, I’ll go out with friends or on my own. I like having that independence and the fact that we don’t have to do everything together.

    • TCFKAG

      My marriage is very much this way. I’m the adventurous one and he’s the creature of habit. Don’t get me started about his diet before we met. But here’s the thing, BF sounds willing to *do* the things you want to do (at least most of the time), it just doesn’t occur to him to plan them. Probably because you look at the world in a different way. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in a relationship (having one member of the relationship as a gogogo personality and the other a bit more grounded can be good, if nothing else, for your budget later on).

      But if it really bugs you, why not make it a formal thing. Once a month he has to plan a date — doing whatever he wants — but it has to be something different each time and something unusual. But otherwise, being the planner of adventures in a relationship isn’t the worst thing in the world…it means you get to choose things (like where to go on vacations and the like!) Plus, he may grow into his opinions a bit more as you stay together — at least that’s what’s happened with my husband. He’s still not a huge adventurous person, but at least now he likes vacationing (which he didn’t before, which blew my mind) and has some ethnic cuisines he likes and/or tolerates….that sort of thing.

      Anyway, just my two cents.

    • cfm

      ooo this is me and my SO but the opposite. He is the adventurous one with food, ethnic cuisine, and adventures. Like 60% sound appealing to me, and I push myself a bit to meet in the middle with agreeing to 80%. I am going to read this thread with interest because I’d like to improve on this aspect of my relationship.

    • Anon for this

      Like others, I’m definitely the “try new things” one in my relationship. It works great for us (usually), and my husband’s willingness to try new things with/for me is one of the things I love most about him.

      However, I sense a much broader sense of discontent in your question. In my opinion, it’s important to listen to yourself about relationships, and sometimes we talk over our inner voices with words like “unreasonable,” “unfair,” or “nitpicky.” Absolutely, if you are in a happy, healthy relationship, compromise should be a big part of it, and balancing each other out is also a big part. But, even if you are otherwise happy, if something that bothers you, no matter how small others may think it is, seems like a systemic issue, then give it serious thought.

      Just so my perspective is clear: Before I started dating my husband, I was in a long term relationship with a great guy. He was wonderful to me, and I loved him, and we were happy. If my husband hadn’t come along, we would probably be married today. But I always thought “Oh, I love him, we’ll probably get married.” With my husband, who makes me happier than I ever thought possible, it instead became “I can’t wait to marry him!” If I had totally drowned out the little part of me that always said, with my ex, “Maybe I could be happier”, I would not have the happiness I have today with a partner who is perfect for me.

      I guess what I’m saying is, even though this may be a small thing to most people, if it seems like a bigger thing to you, listen to that voice. Hear her out. Maybe she’s being too picky/unreasonable/etc., but maybe she isn’t.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’ve been married for 13 years and our dynamic sounds a lot like the OP’s — I’m the Type A, adventurous, planner, cruise director type, and he is the lets-sit-on-the-couch-and-watch-movies-on-the-giant-TV type. The upside is that like your SO, Mr. Sr. Atty is almost always willing to go along with pretty much anything I plan for the two of us, and also since I’m the planner I get to plan what I like. The downside is that after 13 years it gets pretty old. It would be super, super awesome to take a vacation that I didn’t initiate and plan, or attend a cultural event that I didn’t seek out.

      It’s not a dealbreaker for me, but it irks me, and it irks me more as time passes. If you are irked now, I can pretty much guarantee that you will not be less irked over time.

      Have you asked him to step up and assume more cruise director duties? If not, I’d suggest giving that a try before throwing him overboard entirely.

    • violet

      I think there are plenty of couples out there w/ your dynamic (…opposites attract). I think the bigger issue is that you are unsure if he is the one. My opinion is that if you don’t know if he’s the one, then he isn’t.

    • Herbie

      One other way to frame this… is planning new things for the both of you to try one of the ways you show SO you care about him? This may be a difference in how you two show each other you care. It sounds like he’s willing to do new things with you, but he just doesn’t take the initiative himself. Maybe that’s because he manifests his caring about you in other ways. Like fixing stuff around the house or [insert something else here].

  27. writergrrl

    Hi, y’all. Longtime lurker, first-time poster.

    As my username suggests, I’m a writer. I’m currently working on a project where the main character is a PA to a hugely successful CEO-type. Being neither US-ian nor having a day job that involves having/interacting with CEOs or PAs, I’m kind of lost and hoping the hive mind can help.

    a) I know this site tends to skew more toward women who /have/ staff than who /are/ staff, but since my book is dual-POV I thought I’d ask the question. What kind of things does your PA do for you? What’s the professional relationship like? My only exposure so far to this kind of thing has been The Devil Wears Prada and that’s really not the tack I want to take. So any books/films that show a healthy example of a boss/PA relationship (platonic or otherwise) would be greatly appreciated.

    b) What’s the general dress code like for a PA at that level? Know your office, I know, but I’m from a country where women don’t wear Western clothes in general, so I have no point of reference. FWIW, the CEO is head of a huge multinational corporation, fingers in many pies but all in some kind of high-end luxury product, and it’s a privately owned enterprise. I’d initially planned to have her in skirt suits but upon reading this blog I get the impression that’s maybe too formal for admin staff?

    Thanks in advance!

    • Bluejay

      The executive PAs at my company wear business suits every single day. The relationship depends on the boss. One boss I know is a screamer whose PAs quit at least once a year. The head of our company is demanding but quiet. His PA is the archetype of efficiency and is always running, running, running. I don’t know of any PAs who have friendly/personal relationships with their bosses; all seem to be purely professional.

      Hope that helps. I can’t think of any relevant books.

    • popcorn

      My dad is a high level executive and I would say is friends with his admin. However, it’s very much a supervisor-supervisee friendship, so they are not on the same level. Our family does socialize with theirs outside of work, on occasion.

      She is on the west coast and wears primarily pencil skirts, heels, and blouson-type tops. That might just be her personal style though.

    • mamabear

      The executive admins in my office tend to wear dresses without blazers unless they are assisting at big meetings, in which case they wear suits like the rest of us. The only person I’ve seen regularly going sleevelss in my office is the boss’s admin, wearing sheath type dresses with no cardigan/blazer topper.

      • mamabear

        By the way, in case you’re writing about the hierarchy of assistants, the pecking order between executive assistants vs assistants to lower level staff is crazy. In my experience.

        • writergrrl

          ack, I had not even thought of that. I’ve only ever worked in super casual companies where everyone’s on the same level (like, call the boss by their first name kind of casual) so this kind of office politics is completely bizarre to me.

          • Anon

            I have worked in “call the boss by their first name” places where the pecking order between assistants, executive assistance and office managers was crazy. So it certainly happens in more casual places too.

    • Anon to avoid details

      Stragely the assistants of our CEO/execs wear jeans, tank tops, and casual clothes all the time. No other associates except for IT department members dress like this. Everybody else is suits or semi formal (slacks/shirts/ties for men and bottoms/blouses/jackets or nicer cardigans for women). But for some reason, only the high level exec assistants wear 100% casual all the time. Once I even saw the CEO assistant show up in leopard PJ pants, foam flip flops, and a lace cami. Not even kidding. So….. I guess it takes all kinds?

    • TCFKAG

      One other thing about the Devil Wears Prada executive assistant world. Unless in exceptional circumstances, few EAs I know actually run a ton of personal errands for their bosses. They might get lunch for them, if that’s part of the job description (though in my experience its more likely that they’ll coordinate lunch for meetings but if the boss is not in a meeting they get their own — but … CEOs are almost always in meetings for lunch.) But most often responsibilities don’t extend too much to errands — at least in this day in age (and certainly not the extreme types of errands that were expected in DWP).

      Now, on the other hand, you mentioned your book was about Personal Assistants — which are a whole different animal and frankly might have a different range of responsibilities. But I’ve never had a boss who had a PA, only an at work EA. But I think the job responsibilities of a EA and a PA are quite different, since an EA is usually paid by the company the person works for and is intended to facilitate the CEO or whatever’s business functions whereas a PA is paid by the individual and is intended to ease their personal life. So I’m not sure which you mean.

  28. Switching

    This comment is for lucy stone – thank you so much for the comments regarding your city attorney’s office position! I am working on a city project this year with the city attorney where I live, and he has a staff of 10 attorneys. I don’t know whether or not they will be hiring soon, but I am going to see him next week so I think I will express my interest and ask if he knows whether something will be opening up soon.

    • lucy stone

      You’re welcome! I started with the city attorney’s office right out of law school and from what I can tell, most people enjoy the work and stay there for a long time.

    • Motoko Kusanagi

      I particularly enjoyed –

      “This binder won’t work!”

      Just like 47% of all binders, this binder refuses to work. I’m tired of seeing my hard-earned money go for worthless, useless, slack-ass binders that don’t carry their weight.

      • mamabear

        Crying laughing.

        I was SO INTO the amazon reviews for the three moon wolf t-shirt, the horse mask and the steering wheel desk that I’m not sure I got any work done all of December. I also got two horse masks for my birthday, because I do tend to forward these things to All The People.

        But I had not seen the Bic for Her, so thanks!

    • Research, Not Law

      Oh, those were both SO FUNNY.

      “For a first time buyer like myself, I have to say I would rather have waited until I had accumulated a few women before investing in a binder.”

      “Normally my hand writing is defined and strong, as if chiselled in granite by the Greek gods themselves, however upon signing my name I noticed that my signature was uncharacteristically meandering and looping.”

  30. Meg Murry (am I stealing someone's name?)

    So I’ve been a semi-regular poster recently under a name a little to close to my own for my comfort given some of the details I’ve shared, so its time I picked a new handle. Loving the literary references some of you use as names – am I stealing another poster’s name to go with Meg Murry? I love Wrinkle in Time and Madeleine L’Engle in general, but I don’t want to steal a name from someone that used to post but isn’t currently active. Thanks hive!

    • Meg Murry (am I stealing someone's name?)

      oops, *too* close. I do know the difference between to and too, even if my fat fingers don’t!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      This is the first I have seen of that name and I spend WAY too much time on here.

      • Meg Murry

        Thanks! Silly me, I just googled [this site] and the name and no hits. Duh, I should have thought of that sooner. Ok, Meg Murry I am!

    • karenpadi

      That’s probably a good idea and something I’ve been considering too. I might just start going by my “initials”–KP.

      • Susan

        Hmm, but I guess if one wanted to really track these things, one could google this site enough to find the “transition point” between one handle and another, in your case “karenpadi” to “KP” (if that’s what you’re thinking of using, rather than just a red herring to throw folks off.) ;-)

        • KC

          That’s what I’ve always thought too. Lots of pressure to pick a good name from the start!

          Or alternatively, just start posting with a new name and hope others catch on without an explicit “This is KP, formerly karenpadi” comment.

        • Meg Murry

          Someone who is really observant might be able to figure out which commenter I was before by seeing who disapeared, which is fine. I was just using a name I use in other walks of life and don’t necessarily want all the the comments I was making quite so easy to put together with a quick google search of my former username. And this way I don’t have to make the call whether to switch to “Anon for today’ quite so often.

  31. anon

    PSA. 40% off outerwear and jackets at Talbots today. Also, Lord & Taylor has their friends and family 25% off everything sale going on – I believe today might be the last day.

    • AIMS

      I’ll add – 30% everything at Brooks Bros., if you have a corp. membership card, today only.

  32. SOS

    Help!!! My favorite pair of jeans (and one of only 3 in my closet) appears to have a big grease spot on the side! I have no idea what the spot is from or when it arrived. It’s a big dark circle about the size of a small apple. What can I try to get it off? I will be devastated if I have to get rid of these, they’ve held up for 5+ years and I wear them everywhere!!

    • InfoGeek

      Recommendations I’ve seen (but not tried) for getting out oil/grease from clothing:

      * Rub a piece of chalk on the stain. Let it sit for a while and then wash as normal.
      * Use (hand) dish washing liquid on the stain. Dish washing liquid is designed primarily to remove grease/oil.

      • Meg Murry

        I second the handwash with dishsoap recommendation, then let air dry. It can’t hurt and might get it out. Oxyclean might work as well, but it could also significantly lighten the overall color. Whatever you try, airdry and check to see if its gone – the dryer may set the stain.

    • meme

      I’ve recommended this product here before, so apologies for the repetition. Get Fulsol cleaner by the Fuller Brush company. Buy the concentrate. Spot treat grease stains with concentrate (even after they’ve gone through the dryer) then throw in wash. Works every time (I know, I have a bunch of little boys and 1 husband). It’s sold by various independent sellers (like Mary Kay), so just find one online and order. It’s about $25-$30 for a gallon, which lasts me a few years. You can also buy smaller quantities. This stuff is magic I promise. (I don’t work for them I promise.)

  33. Jules needs L&T cashmere sizing info

    I really need a new black cashmere v-neck; I’ve heard great things about Lord & Taylor’s cashmere and the F&F sale price is below half off. Problem? It’s sold out in what I assume would be my size (XL, to accommodate the big bust). I’m normally a 12-14 with small shoulders and petite in stature but, um, 38F (I second the recs above for figleaves and bare necessities for bras). Does anyone have any L&T sweaters to advise on fit? Could I get away with the L? (Of course, I can buy bottle green and bright red and all the other pretty colors that are available in XL but can only justify black.)

    Thanks!

  34. TOJourny

    Long-time reader and lurky lurker here. Any ladies in Canada have anything to say about Nordstrom returns etc? I’m halfheartedly trying to talk myself down from ordering The Dress. Also, someone posted about a Toronto meetup a few days ago, can you post your email address again? Lets do it!

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