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Is it too early to start thinking about what you want for Valentine's Day, either to buy yourself, or buy for someone else, or to nudge your significant other to buy for you?
A friend of mine in law school said, “Always more diamonds,” as a rule for what her husband always gave her — and it's not a bad rule!
This lovely hoop ring from Monica Vinader is on the more affordable end of things at $215, and it comes in a variety of sizes at Nordstrom.
MONICA VINADER ‘Riva' Diamond Hoop Ring
Hunting for great jewelry for the office? As of 2024, we're long been fans of affordable brands like Mejuri and Jenny Bird, as well as mid-tier brands like Monica Vinader, David Yurman (especially this line), Dana Rebecca, and Stephen Dweck. For our $.02: spend money on things like a good watch (or watch strap), gold or diamond earrings, a pearl necklace, and more. Some of the earrings we've featured recently:
And some of the necklaces:
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Bonnie
Lovely ring. I wish it was gold instead of gold plated though as the plate seems to tarnish quickly.
techgirl
I wear a couple of Monica Vinader pieces daily and they hold up very well
Heavy question follow up
Finally talked to my dad about my sister’s situation with her violent drunk fiancé. My dad hadn’t heard about anything that had happened and the fiancé actually lied to the entire family about looking for a new job because he isn’t paid enough. Quick background, sister’s fiancé was fired from his job for physically fighting with a coworker. Fiancé claims he was jumped and just defending himself. Also one night he got blackout drunk, fought with my sister who withdrew and went to bed, then wound up verbally fighting with his friend and throwing something at a wall in anger while one of his kids watched. Kid told his mother and now mother won’t let the kids go to their house anymore. I also found out yesterday that my sister has been to work 1.5 days out of the last 3 weeks but nobody knows why. She’s used up all of her FMLA leave in previous years for migraines but that’s always been done in pieces throughout the year. Other family methave seen and spoken to her multiple times over the past month and she hasn’t mentioned a migraine. She normally does mention it. It feels like something is spiraling out of control for her now.
Wedding is scheduled to happen in a few months. My dad is thinking about how we will approach talking to sister. We are going to coordinate something. He wants to consider doing some sort of intervention and offering to let my sister live with him for free if she breaks up with him while she gets on her feet. We are also considering not going that far and instead trying to convince fiancé to go to rehab or at least start attending AA and convincing sister to attend al-anon meetings and ideally postpone the wedding.
Can anyone offer any advice? I know she will be defensive no matter what we do. I want to help her but I really want her to at least hear that I’m there for her and not the enemy.
Anonymous
Just a thought…before staging an intervention, can someone your sister respects and trusts just approach her one-on-one and tell her it’s OK not to follow through with the wedding? If she knows there are problems, she may be afraid of the consequences of calling it off and just needs “permission” to follow her gut. With an intervention, she might feel cornered and respond defensively.
BeenThatGuy
+1 to this
Different type of circumstances but I did this for a friend many years ago. The night before her wedding, we were getting ready for bed and I said “if you don’t want to do this, I will handle everything. Just say the word.” She cried her eyes out. Got married the next day. Then cried every day for 4 years until she got up the courage to finally leave. She always says she wished she took me up on the offer.
lawsuited
I can see not feeling able to take you up on this offer the night before/day of the wedding, but OP’s sister may feel more able to cancel or postpone a few months out if someone makes a similar offer then.
Ravenswood
Wow. This describes exactly what my sister and I went through two nights before her wedding, and now, as I’m helping her navigate a tricky divorce. Just wanted to comment and offer that I’m walking with someone on the same path.
Heavy question follow up
I’m the only one in the family who has never told her my feelings about him. I don’t know that she remembers that though and may just think my whole family has never liked him. I do think she respects my opinion though. Maybe I should reach out to her first and have this conversation?
I’m trying to think of a friend of hers that I could reach out to and can’t think of anyone. All her friends that I can think of are their joint friends. Her friends she had before him don’t seem to be around much on social media and I don’t know how close they still are.
AnonZ
+1 to this.
A decade ago, I told my best friend a week before her wedding (to a guy she’d known for 6 months, 4 of those long-distance, who seemed really kooky) that if at any point she wanted to bail, I’d drive the getaway car – before, during, or after the wedding.
She didn’t take me up on it and they’re still married. Her husband is really kooky still, but actually a very devoted husband. At one point, I apologized for suggesting that she bail on her wedding. She said that she actually found it very touching that I would even make the offer.
I told that story to an acquaintance, who got very teary and said, “I wish someone had said that to me! I spent the month before my wedding wanting desperately to leave and feeling like there was no one I could turn to because everyone was so excited! It was like I was being swept away in fast-moving water!”
AnonZ
Also, adding: I think the key to minimizing defensiveness is to present it NOT as a critique of her fiance, but just an option you are giving her.
Saying, “If you decide at any point, for whatever reason, that you do not want to go through with this, I will be there for you 110% and will help you manage everyone else,” is very different than, “He is so terrible and you need to pay attention to the warning signs and get out now!”
Heavy question follow up
How do you bring it up to say it like that? I’m afraid that even saying those words to her will come across as hating her fiancé.
Anon
You say, softly, “you don’t seem happy. Your happiness is more important to me than anything else. This doesn’t have anything to do with him. Only you. If for whatever reason you change your mind, you don’t even have to say anything. Just raise your right eyebrow and I will take care of it all. I love you to pieces.”
AnonZ
When I made the offer to my friend, it was at the end of a phone call where we were discussing the wedding. I started out with “Hey, don’t feel any pressure to respond right now, but I just wanted to tell you…” and then (somewhat awkwardly) said my piece and then basically we said goodbye and hung up.
AnonZ
Oh, and at the end of making it clear that if she wanted out, I’d be right there to help her, I also said that if she was sure about the marriage, then I’d also be right there to help her and be so happy to celebrate with her. A little different situation because I didn’t think the guy was abusive, just maybe not the right fit and maybe things had moved too quickly. But I really wanted her to know that I wasn’t coming to her in a judgemental way, just in a way that prioritized her happiness.
Anon
This is an awful situation. The only part I can respond to is that I wouldn’t make it a condition of breaking up with the guy that she can move in with Dad. That’s forcing her to choose, and well…. If she moves in with Dad, even if she doesn’t break up with him, at least she’ll be out from under his influence and THEN she may break up with him voluntarily. That’s the best way all around. Best of luck.
June
Best of luck broaching the subject with her.
Please do remember that at the end of the day you can only make the choices as for what you do, not what she does. I say this because I had a “you don’t have to marry him, several friends have told me they are concerned for you” heart-to-heart with my lifelong [former] best friend. She went through with the ceremony; I went through as her maid of honor. Two years later around the time when she divorced him, she abruptly quit speaking to me. I promise, I was gentle and kind and respectful and nothing but good-intentioned about it.
Anonymous
CEO of a nonprofit that does domestic violence work here: This situation has the hallmarks of a potential abuser. The fight at work is concerning enough, but add to that the violence in front of a child (!), blackout drinking, verbal abuse and the unexplained absence from work of your sister (was she injured by this guy? ) and you have a situation that often describes a potential abuser who is escalating. This is a guy with some big issues. I would advise your sister to at least call a domestic violence hotline in your area and talk to a counselor about her situation. They usually will do that for free. It would probably help to have an impartial person give some advice. Women who are in relationships with abusers often won’t pay attention to the people they know who tell them the situation is bad, but they will hear it from an outsider (like a counselor). My own advice would be to cancel the wedding immediately. You can tell your sister that she can always decide to go ahead with it later, but for now, this is a safety issue for her. No question about it.
anon
Question for the politically inclined –
I’m liberal, but many of my family members are conservative and rural (i.e. Trump voters)
One family member is very active on social media and, while she is conservative, she is pro-choice and pro-contraception. And she’s very outspoken about it. She often tags me in her posts because she knows I will agree with her. However, her posts tend to make me uncomfortable. I am glad she’s pro-choice and is speaking out, but the reasons she’s pro-choice lean eugenics/fiscal. She says things like “I see these ghetto moms on the news with four kids by four different fathers. I don’t want my tax money supporting her lifestyle. Birth control should not just be paid for but be mandatory for welfare moms.”
What would you say?
I wanted to show her statistics that welfare isn’t just an inner city or racial issue, but I’m not finding great stuff out there… do you have links?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t say anything. Because my actual response is “government control of reproduction is a hallmark is authoritarian government and the least American thing ever” and that obviously wouldn’t go over well. I’d also tell her that she should work on being less racist.
AKB
I would say – I cannot support this type of cruel racism.
AKB
Actually – I cannot support any form of racism, especially in such a cruel and vile form. (My precious response makes it sound like there’s a type of racism you could support!)
Anon
How is this racism? Although I don’t agree with her completely (making birth control mandatory part), I see how some one may not want to support/subsidize such a life style.
Emmer
uh, “ghetto moms”? That doesn’t strike you as racist?
Anon
Perhaps not racism, but certainly classism….that is, making a sweeping statement based on socio-economic identifiers, rather than racial ones.
OP
Agree & furthermore would say “ghetto” is dogwhistle for “black”
Anonymous
Lol at welfare being a life style and the idea that hating welfare recipients isn’t racist.
AKB
Are you serious? “Ghetto mothers” “Eugenics” Give me a break.
OP
To be clear, eugenics was my word, which I used to describe her world view. In fact, the only response I’ve made so far was to post a link to the Wiki page on eugenics.
But yeah, she does say ghetto, unapologetically.
MargaretO
Untag yourself. You don’t need to say anything. Reset your settings so people (or even just her) can’t tag you in things without you approving them first.
OP
You’re right. I need to cut her dead like the rest of them. I was hoping to change her mind, I guess. But keep her pro choice. I was thinking about what people were saying about engaging with the other side and wondering if she was someone I could “convert” to my way of thinking.
She has redeeming qualities. She volunteers with “the poor” through her church and she really does give. But these are rural/white poor. Apparently the poor in inner cities bring it on themselves.
Anon
You could write something like, “The freedom to choose–whether it be to carry a pregnancy to term or not, or whether to have 1 child or 20–is a freedom that Americans have. Not everyone is so lucky.”
Torin
Frankly I think it’s pointless to try to “convert” anyone via facebook. A real conversation that actually results in changed minds will happen in person or not at all.
I would do as MargaretO suggested and prevent her from tagging you if you don’t like be associated with her sentiments, and try to approach her about them in person when the opportunity arises if you’d like to discuss it with her.
CountC
+1 You’re not going to convert her via FB comment.
OP
thanks. No I didn’t plan to convert her with a Facebook comment. I do see her regularly and was tempted to telephone her after this incident. We used to be closer.
anon
The response to your friend is that the same precious rules that prohibit government from taking away our fundamental right to abortion and contraception also prohibit the government from requiring that we abort or use contraception.
It sounds to me like she’s pro-choice not because she respects women’s autonomy and respects that the decision about whether and when to bear children is exceedingly personal, but because she thinks its good social policy. I think it’s good social policy, too, but not for the same reasons. As much as I would like for everyone to use birth control responsibly and only have children that they can afford and are prepared to care for, I am not willing to sacrifice people’s reproductive rights to get there. Not only because that same power can be used to force women to have children, but because I still think it is fundamentally wrong for the government to decide who can bear children and when. It’s like free speech- I may vehemently disagree with what you say, but I defend your right to say it.
The solutions to the “issue” your friend identifies are reproductive health education, empowerment of women and girls to make healthy, autonomous decisions in their relationships and plan bright futures for themselves, and access to reproductive care.
Nabby
I know this may not be helpful, but it seems like she likely voted for the guy with 5 children by 3 mothers.
OP
oooh, that’s a good point. But I know her, she’ll just say “yeah but he can support them”
Anon
oooh, that’s a good point. But I know her, she’ll just say “yeah but he can support them”
Anonymous
Ooooooh I like this theory.
Sydney Bristow
Is she pro-choice for middle and upper class white women as well? If not, she’s really not pro-choice.
OP
I think she is, but she is really focused on this angle, which she views as strictly fiscal.
Anonforthis
What about telling her you think it is important for all children to be wanted and taken care of? Her tax dollars are also paying for kids from other ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds who end up needing our social services because they did not get a fair start.
F Trump
And the trade wars begin. May the odds be ever in our favor.
Anonymous
We’re scr*wed. There’s going to be a global depression that makes 2008 look like a tiny dip in the market.
Ginger
Econ 101 Question: if Trump taxes Mexican imports at 20%, does that mean Mexico will just increase the wholesale price by 25%? Or will it come out somewhere in the middle, like a 10% or 15% price increase, with American consumers and Mexican producers splitting the tax burden? Or something else?
Bonnie
They’ll just increase prices on goods exported to the U.S. and increase import taxes on goods sold to Mexico. Ultimately, we will be paying for the wall.
Dem too
+1
Yes.
Anon
I sold off in my shorter term savings yesterday, and am considering reallocating my 401K soon.
Anonymous
How would you consider reallocating your 401K? I’m really afraid of big hits to my savings over the next couple of years, but I don’t know what to do about it.
Anon
I’m actually not sure yet! I’m really researching.
My short term is in cash for the moment, but I will need to reinvest it in something. I’m considering precious metals.
REM
I’m sick of soup. I’ve been battling a cold now for a week and haven’t had anything but soup (chicken noodle, egg drop, ramen, etc.) and toast the whole time. Sometimes something salty like pretzels is ok on my throat but that is about it. What are your go-to foods for when you’re feeling lousy?
Torin
Ginger tea always soothes my throat. Grate up an inch or so of ginger (I keep it frozen in my freezer and grate with a microplane zester), and add a tablespoon or so of lemon juice and another of honey + hot water.
For food, I default to spicy when sick. Particularly pho with so much sriracha I can hardly stand it.
Anonymous
Curry, spicy noodle, chile, tacos.
BB
Haha, I love this! I totally do this too – screw the bland foods for sickness and bring on the heat!!
OP
Burritos and pasta are my go-tos. Pasta sans cheese, mostly, but I’m not above getting a box of mac&cheese from the whole foods hot bar, at least toward the end of my cold.
If you had the cold my entire office had, it lasts seven days. It’s a really bad one this year. First day, kind of a dizzy headache and razor blade throat. Second through third day, chest cold. Fourth day you start to feel better. Fifth day you realize you were wrong and it moves to your sinuses. Sixth day you think you will never feel better. Seventh day you feel better.
Anon OP
Sorry, I’m not OP on this thread, I’m OP on the thread about my racist cousin, above.
REM
Well if that’s true then I’m almost done! I had 3 days of razor throat though :( Maybe it IS time to switch to spicy foods and just burn this thing away.
Anna
Rice pudding
Anonymous
Congee, cream of wheat, pastina
rosie
Popsicles, smoothies, sorbet
Rant of the day
I practice personal injury and have noticed that my minority clients get way lower settlement offers than my white clients. Further, they are more likely to have insurance companies refer them to the fraud bureau for investigation. My state is mostly white so I don’t have that many opportunities to represent minority clients. The first time it happened there were other possible contributing factors so I tried to assume good intentions. The second time it happened, I blamed a crappy police report (but the fact that the report was so awful could also have prejudicial reasons behind it) this time, I’m certain it’s a pattern. It’s been with three different insurance companies so not enough evidence to file a complaint with the state insurance bureau. Bias is really playing through though. Pain and suffering is valued less when it’s a non-white person suffering.
Anonymous
That sucks. I don’t practice personal injury law, but is there any way you can get statistics on settlements to find awards for comparable injuries (even without identifying information on the plaintiffs) so you can target a higher starting point for negotiations?
Anon
Check with other PI practitioners in the area and see if they’ve had the same experience with minority clients.
If there’s a common thread, see if a civil rights group or consumer rights group can get on board to investigate. If you can get your foot in the door with a suit, you might be able to get statistics through discovery that would substantiate a pattern. My (very liberal) Attorney General would also be all over this kind of thing.
I have no doubts that this happens.
Rant of the day
Great idea.
Never too many shoes...
I practice insurance defence. However, things might be slightly different in Canada so ymmv. Is it the insurance companies that are the problem, do you think, or their lawyers? Generally, I am the one who recommends settlement values rather than the other way around. Sometimes, such files are settled without even meeting the plaintiffs, so I would have to draw some fairly large inferences of race based on names alone. I am not saying it does not happen, but is it possible there is something else at play? Then again, so many settlements are made out-of-court that it would be really difficult to identify potential patterns, I think.
Rant of the day
Race is usually listed in the medical records. The names give strong suggestion of the race. The preferred language or presence of an interpreter is in the medical records as well. Or the police report.
Never too many shoes...
Ok, so because I am a dork, I just opened up five sets of medical records (hospital, ambulance) and police accident reports and there is literally nothing about race in this sample and nowhere on the form to indicate same. I sometimes see it in reports but either it is rare or I just skip over it and do not notice it. Obviously, if I meet someone in person or am told in advance they require an interpreter that is different. And I live in a large metropolitan area with a lot of ethnic diversity so it is not that all of the plaintiffs are white either. So weird.
Dahlia
I was an MD in Canada and am now an MD in America. In Canada, the medical notes never listed race. It just wasn’t a thing. In America, its incredibly common. “A 40 year black male presenting with chest pain…” Even the American licensing exam questions stems contain race in the descriptors.
Anon
You’re probably right and most of the biases are probably implicit rather than explicit. If I were you I’d say, I just settled a case like this with a white defendant and got $x for pain and suffering. I expect the same for this defendant.
I would actually mention race because the other side definitely doesn’t want that coming up if you don’t settle and go to court.
This is your role in righting the wrongs.
Torin
IAWTC.
Senior Attorney
Me, too.
Even though I had to google “IAWTC.”
Charleston, SC for family vacation?
Apologies if this posted more than once – I commented on the prior post but apparently either it’s been in moderation forever or the internet ate it.
My family has been debating where to go for a vacation this summer, and somehow the idea of Charleston popped into our heads.
It would be me, my husband, our preschool-aged child, and two dogs. We would be driving there and back, and looking to do Airbnb or some sort of residential hotel. We’re somewhat flexible on dates, but ideally we’re looking at a week in late June or into July. We had the following questions/concerns:
(1) Is there enough to do to keep a young child (and us) relatively busy for a week? (I expect we would be bored silly by more than 2 days in a row at the beach. We’ve done the Outer Banks before and it was nice and relaxing at first, but we all got bored about halfway through ) If so, do you have any recommendations for kid-friendly museums, parks, etc.? (The Low Country Children’s Museum looks to be right in my kid’s wheelhouse, and… they have… pirate tours!)
(2) I see the average temps and humidity look pretty high in the summer- how oppressive generally is this? Is basically everything there air conditioned? Are there areas that are more temperate than others – like near the water?
(3) Even though we will have a car, are there areas that are particularly walkable where we could wander around for a few hours? (That’s probably our favorite thing to do on vacation – just stroll around, see the sights, find somewhere cute to eat, etc.)
(4) At the risk of outing myself, our dogs are (very sweet and friendly and well-trained) pit bull mixes. Can anyone speak to whether there is any breed specific legislation (i.e. pit bull bans) that we should be aware of? A very quick internet search makes me think we’d be okay, but I figured asking the hive can’t hurt. (FWIW, we were not planning on taking the dogs out to restaurants or anything like that – just staying with us and out for walks, etc.)
(5) Any areas we should look closely at (or avoid) in terms of where to stay?
Thanks so much in advance!
Anna
Don’t do it! Unless you really love heat and humidity, Charleston is not the place to visit in the summer. Go in the spring, go in the fall, but don’t go in the summer unless you want to spend all of your time shut up in the AC inside. Asheville would be a better bet, but even that would be better in the spring or fall than during the summer.
Gail the Goldfish
If you have to ask if everything there is air conditioned, I am guessing you are not from a place that has anything like Southern summers. You’ll be miserable. Lowcountry heat and humidity in the summer is no joke. You’d probably be ok in May, maybe even June, but avoid July and August like the plague. It would not be pleasant weather for strolling around town.
(Yes, everything is air conditioned. It’s a miracle the entire South didn’t die in the summer prior to the invention of air conditioning.)
EFund Follow Up
This morning’s emergency fund conversation got me thinking.
We have fully funded 401ks, own a home (no need for a ‘down payment fund’), an emergency fund equal to 6 months, cash set aside in various other sub-accounts for car, dog, home repair/improvements, vacation. No foreseeable large purchases (ie: car) anytime soon.
What do I do with the rest of the cash I’m now accumulating? It’s about $1,500/month. We hope to have kids this year (c’moooon, IUI) so presumably that (and then some) will be child care. But, right now it’s just accumulating as cash in a savings account that’s about $20k right now, and earning us nothing. I want all of my sub accounts described above to effectively double. Should I just work on that now, all at once? Use some of the $1,500/month and the existing $20k for some other investment type? The goal for so long was a down payment. Now, I’m not sure what to do. TIA!
Torin
Vanguard index fund. I’ve also been getting reasonable returns with Lending Club, but the interest on that will be taxable as you earn it, whereas with a tracking fund it won’t be a taxable event until you cash out.
BB
Related: The guy from YNAB seems to really like this Betterment app for investing. It sounds like a slightly shorter-term, riskier version of a Vanguard index fund. Anyone have experience with it?
I’m in the same boat as you. Fully funded 401k, good e-fund, own home…no idea what to do with the $ I am accumulating otherwise.
a millenial
he probably likes it because he gets paid when people sign up for betterment through his referral link. a lot of personal finance podcasts/blogs have relationships with betterment.
anyway betterment isn’t bad, wealthfront is also the same thing. it’s basically robo investing and “balancing” your portfolio, along with tax loss harvesting if you choose to turn it on. so freq. they’ll include lots of index stocks in your portfolio along with a mix of other stuff depending on your risk preferences. they’ll charge an extra management fee and generally have higher expense ratios compared to the lowest admiral funds on vanguard.
Baconpancakes
On top of everything else, I just got a haircut… and I hate it. My stylist took off about 6 inches without warning, and while objectively the cut is nice, I don’t think shoulder-length hair flatters my round face at all. I know it’ll grow, but *sigh.*
In order to have something to look forward to, what do you ladies think about Alaska cruises when you’re not cruise people? My parents and my SO and I are planning a trip to Alaska in May. I’ve done a Holland America cruise around the Mediterranean, and while the convenience sure was nice, and the excursions we went on were pretty fun, I would’ve preferred to feel less like I was being herded around. Our travel agent (from USAA, so no commissions for specific things) is really pushing the cruises though. And it would be nice to have the ship to spread out a bit, and not be stuck in a car with my family the entire trip.
Anon
I suspect your shoulder length haircut looks nice with your round face. I have a round face and that is usually the best cut for me.
However, you should never see that hairdresser again! Who on earth cuts off SIX inches without asking? OMG
No advice on cruises. Just the thought of being trapped on a boat with a bunch of newlyweds gives me the heeby jeebies.
Torin
I always thought Alaska cruises were about being able to see and access amazing things from the water that are hard to see/access otherwise, more than the convenience of getting from point A to point B like most cruises. I went to Alaska with my family ages ago and we took a little harbor cruise out to see whales. It was amazing. I’ve always thought of Alaska cruises of basically just more of that? If that’s even remotely right I would think it would be different enough from other cruises to be of interest.
Anon
Ahhh I’ve missed the background and don’t have time to go back and read. What is “everything else”? Sorry her having a rough time. I’ve been there on the haircut situation – trust me, it’ll grow quicker than youvan imagine right now. I’m sure it looks better than you think, too. Cruises aren’t my thing so I can’t comment.
Anon
Sorry, writing on my mobile in case that isn’t already blaringly obvious ;-)
January
I think “everything else” just refers to the political situation.
Anonymous
Fire your hairdresser. Six inches without warning is not okay! If you’re not loving the haircut consider going to someone else who can style it differently so you at least like it while it grows back out.
Loved the Alaskan cruise we went on. Gorgeous scenery (best way to see Glacier Bay), and unlike some others I’ve been on, there were tons of great day excursions (salmon fishing, helicopter out to a glacier).
Ellen
I am ALSO thinking of getting a haircut. I think I want to look like a blond version of Jennifer Anniston. She is much older then me but dad says much cuter. I hope that I am as cute as she is when I am 47 or so. I wonder if anyone in the HIVE thinks that I would look good with her hair?
Anonymous
Alaska is really good from a cruise ship because so many of the cities/towns are really only accessible by water or plane. Not sure what you can do about being herded along, I felt the same way when we went. But if you want to see Alaska it’s really the best option.
Anonymous
I disagree that a cruise is the best option for seeing Alaska as a whole. It’s the best option for seeing Glacier Bay and other glaciers, but the towns that most cruises are horrendously touristy, and there’s lot of great stuff you can do in Alaska that doesn’t require a cruise ship, including a whole bunch of spectacular National Parks.
DC Anon
My face is very round and I’ve found that a shorter cut and sideswept bangs do wonders for flattering my face.
Anonymous
Does anyone have experience deciding whether to seek treatment for alcohol use/abuse? I don’t mean rehab, but maybe AA? I am at the point where I am fantasizing about drinking not only on the way home, but occasionally during the day and even in the morning on my way to work, I sometimes I want a beer (I don’t do that, and I doubt I ever would). I don’t drink a ton at night…maybe 4 beers, but taking that first drink is almost an orgasmic release to me. History of alcoholism on my dad’s side. I’m a lawyer, but I don’t work in a super stressful situation hours-wise (although it’s stressful to me b/c I hate the law).
Anonymous
Sounds like me it’s time. 4 beers is really a lot, esp for an average night.
Anonymous
Yeah….I forgot to say, I’m 115 pounds so 4 beers is probably a little more than it seems, on average. And even then sometimes I don’t feel “relaxed’ enough (like tonight) so I add a shot or two of tequila.
Anonymous
4 beers, plus maybe a shot of tequila, on a weeknight, is a ton. You are drinking a ton. I think it’s well and truly time to seek help, and I wish you luck with the journey.
Parfait
I’m literally twice your size and 4 beers is a lot for me. Just saying.
I can totally relate to everything you’re saying and I say, if you want to change your relationship with alcohol, then yes, you can and should seek help.
All alcoholics are functional alcoholics until they day they aren’t anymore.
Anon
Yes, it’s time. Props to you for recognizing it and moving forward. Best of luck.
Anonymous
Agree that it sounds like it’s time to look into treatment. Why not try with a therapist who has experience in alcohol use? AA is great for some people, but a therapist might be a more direct approach.
Anonymous
If I could find a therapist that was experienced in alcohol abuse, I would. But I don’t know how to do that…also, my experience with therpasists in the past has not been great. My dad was sober (in AA) for 20 years when he died, so I was thinking AA might be at least an option. And then I think, “but I function great during the day” so why bother. I doubt anyone would ever imagine how much I love to drink. And part of me thinks that as long as I am functioning during the day (and still able to type coherently after 5 drinks), how does that make me different than basically every person in my grandparents’ generation who had a cocktail right at 5pm?
Anonymous
I say this with love – you sound like a functional alcoholic. You also typed “therpasists, so not so sure about the coherent typing. Look up Moderation Management (MM) as an AA alternative.
Anonymous
LOL. Good call Anonymous (although part of me is thinking, “I’m a bad typist sober, so still not a problem!” But thank you. I’ve never heard of MM.
Parfait
AA is a great option. You don’t have to hit rock bottom before they will let you in. You just have to want to change.
See also SMART recovery – they have online meetings.
Sober
I hope its not too late in the day (or early in the morning) for you to see this.
I am an attorney – a partner at a midsized firm – and I am 19 months sober. It was the scariest and best decision of my life.
I sounded just like you. Functional alcoholic with a history of alcoholism on each side. I didn’t think I had a problem because who doesn’t have a drink at every firm happy hour/networking event/date/dinner with friends? Except for me those became an every night occurrence and I had 3 glasses of wine to everyone else’s 1. I won’t go into more details now, but am happy to share if you (or anyone else out there) would benefit from the story.
I literally thought I would die if I got sober. That my career would tank.
Neither of these things happened.
I am more than happy to talk to you if you would like. Comment here and I will drop you my email in a reply comment.
Go to AA. Google “therapist and substance abuse” to find someone who can also work with you.
You will never regret it.
Anon
Don’t have it in the house and go to a meeting.
Anon
PS I also fantasize sometimes about having a drink but then when I do I don’t get the release I’m really craving, and I also get heartburn. That’s enough to put me off of it.
You might want to work on why you want the release rather than how you get it.
Anonymous
Is it just me, or is it funny that we’re all anonymous? I want the release because I work alone and come home and I am alone. TV used to be my release, I guess, but I feel better when I’m buzzed. I don’t drink enough (usually) to be hungover the next morning, so I can work. Which is why I don’t know if this is an issue. The few AA meetings I ever went to, when my dad was about to get a chip or something, I heard these stories about people were SO far gone and not functioning. I guess I don’t see the difference between being a high-functioning alcoholic (probably me) and someone who is just a throwback to a generation when cocktails and getting a little plowed after work were the norm.
Anonymous
It’s an issue. You have a problem. So did many people in our grandparents’ day. You can deal with it now or let it get worse.
lawsuited
This is already an issue and you’re best off dealing with it before it becomes a problem as well. I went for some tune-up sessions with my therapist a couple of years ago when I started *thinking* about drinking after work everyday to alleviate work stress (and before I actually started doing it). My therapist helped me address the underlying stress and anxiety, so that I didn’t develop an unhealthy coping mechanism.
AlexisFaye
Do you work out? You said you used to watch TV, I wonder if you had a different night-time pattern if it would help? Maybe join a gym and pack your bag in your car (so you don’t have to go home for it) and go to the gym after work? I just started lifting (turns out the 4-6 cardio sessions a week was making me skinny fat) and I’m shocked how much I’m enjoying it. Sometimes just making new habits changes things.
cbackson
Girl, 4 beers is a lot. You have a problem, and I think you know it. Could you go without alcohol for a week now – even if it was in the house and available? Like, if it was sitting out in your liquor cart in the living room, could you sit there in the living room all night and not drink?
If the answer is “no,” you have a problem.
You’re not getting help yet because you’re scared. I get it. I had an eating disorder. Admitting that I needed help was, like, the worst combination of awkward/embarrassing/horrified I’d ever been. But I’m recovered now, and it was all worth it. Take out your phone, find an AA meeting tonight or tomorrow, and go. You can find a therapist, but start AA now so that you’re committing to your recovery *right now*. You can do this. There will be a day when this is in your past. But you won’t get to that day unless you take action now.
cbackson
Also, like I said – alcohol was never my problem, but I get addiction. I’m available at my username at the mail of google if you need any in-person reassurance to taking action on this is the right thing. Because trust me, your better, happier life is on the other side of this decision.
Anonymous
Thank you CB. Frankly, I probably have an eating disorder too, or at least some issues in that area (115 pounds, 5’11 but it’s okay, b/c that’s how models are, right? I am probably too shy to get in touch but I hear what you are saying. You are always so thoughtful in your replies on this board…I appreciate you responding.
Anonymous
Nope! Also not okay at all. I hope you take cbackson up on her offer. You deserve to.
LC
I’m really worried about you.
I would also make an appointment with your primary care doctor. You likely have multiple vitamin deficiencies and issues with your weight where it is and history of alcohol abuse. These can be very simple to treat, but fixing this will also help you.
You will need a therapist eventually. But one step at a time.
I’m really proud of you for reaching out.
June
You sound so mindful and like you know yourself. Congrats on that and on starting the process of reaching out! Maybe adding a couple tools to your toolbox will help you learn to manage this and in the grand scheme of things it will turn out to be no big thing? I selfishly hope that you keep us posted. I think you can nail this and come out so, so strong for it!!!
anon
You’re consuming over 500 calories a day in alcohol yet you’re maintaining a very low weight. To do that, you’re eating, what, 1000 calories/day on average, max? Yes, this is disordered eating and it is a huge risk to your health. Posting here was a great first step, now it is time to take the second step. You can do it.
Iris
I am very close with our state’s substance abuse head because it’s my close friend’s parent. But, I know he deals with all of these things and they are anonymous and will only be used to show you tried to get help if someone files a bar complaint otherwise, they are never revealed. Since you are a lawyer and you have several issues, maybe your state has similar programs that could help point you in the right direction. Finding a therapist is so overwhelming. But if you get someone who specializes in a certain area it makes it so much easier to at least sign up or get references. Good luck.
Anon
Probably too late for you to see this but I wanted to chime in to say you sound a lot like me. The one difference is that I’ve been able to quick drinking with no issues when pregnant, so I’ve convinced myself I don’t really have an addiction. But once I start drinking again it’s a several-drinks-per-night thing. Every night. Though I’m otherwise highly functioning. I’m afraid to admit it to anyone for many reasons, including (and I know this sounds bad) because that will mean I don’t get to drink anymore. I don’t want that. I worry about it a lot though and I know I need to do something about it.
Anon in Cal
Are you in California? The Other Bar is a non profit, with a hotline you can call, to get referrals for substance abuse support services.
Anonymous
not in CA, but I iwll check out. Thank you, everyone.
CountC
Also look into Lawyers Concerned for Lawyers to see if they can help with service referrals in your area. I echo everything Cbackson has said above and I hope you reach out to her.
Anonymous
Kind of late, will anyone even read this? Lol
I need really comfortable, yet not grumpy looking shoes or boots for work. Business casual environment.
LC
http://www.lordandtaylor.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/en/lord-and-taylor/olive-suede-boots
Incredible quality for winter wear.
They go with jeans, pants, leggings, skirts.
Great with black tights.
A bit of height but a wide heal and comfortable footbed so you can wear all day.
Incredibly comfortable.
Waterproof. Durable.
LC
And add code SHOES for an extra 25% off, and use Ebates for an extra 3% off.
Dem too
Also 25% off with code SHOES
CountC
Timely! I am wearing my “fancy” Sperry’s today and they are completely fine in my business casual office. Comfortable and weather resistant! Perhaps not the warmest, but they are cute :)
Anonymous
Maybe too late, but I love my Sam Edelman “Petty” boots!