Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Morten Funnel Neck Top

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1. You all always have such good ideas for things like this– help me brainstorm? My birthday is in two weeks on a Saturday and I have no plans. Last year went to Paris with a friend for the weekend as a first-divorced-birthday thing, but I can’t swing any travel this year. I’m single, so if I don’t plan anything I’ll end up loafing around all day feeling weird.

   Originally was thinking of doing a spa day with my friends, but the fancy spa was all booked. Also complicating things is that I have a broken wrist, so nothing athletic. I like reading, sitting in cafes, writing, eating good food and rock climbing, but none of that feels very special. Any ideas? What would you do if you had all day and free rein to do whatever you want?

   1. Given the broken arm, I’d spend the day in a museum followed by a cafe and bookstore time.

   2. I’d throw myself a birthday dinner or brunch with a handful of my closest friends – let a restaurant do all the work though.

      1. This. Also, this is a normal birthday thing to do, OP. It doesn’t have to be a whole weekend activity or a trip.

         As I get older, most birthday celebrations in my friend group are a restaurant or home meal at most.

         1. Yeah I obviously understand that most people just do a dinner but I like to do something special and treat myself, and I don’t really see the harm.

            1. You could do a birthday dinner/brunch that you cater, but also buy decorations or have everyone wear something fabulous. Pick a signature cocktail for the night. Basically go sorority recruitment on a dinner party.

               For me personally, I’d be looking for places that specialize in afternoon tea. If you have money, you could host it for your friends. It always feels special to me and you can dress up if you like.

   3. I would wake up and take a walk to my favorite coffee shop. I would sit there peacefully and read a trashy romance novel (my genre of choice) – the literary equivalent of a white wine spritzer. I would then walk home and take an everything shower, exfoliating from head to toe and using that good mask I’ve had sitting in my cabinet.

      I would get dressed and take myself out shopping. Maybe go to home goods and smell some candles, buy some makeup I’ve been wanting to try. I’d then go home and get dressed and go out with girlfriends for dinner. Nothing crazy, but have a glass of wine with dinner and some dessert. I’d be home by 8 and climb into some cozy pajamas and watch a comfort movie.

      1. This sounds pretty good except I would meet a friend for coffee and maybe a morning walk if the weather will be good. I would want to start my day with a friend, feeling like someone is celebrating with me, and would be sad to spend the entire day alone until dinner. If it matters, I’m a social introvert who enjoys coffee shops alone on many weekends. But my birthday is different.

   4. Get up and go somewhere to watch the sunrise and do a hike if you’re up for it. Pick up a yummy breakfast. Come home and do a bath or a nice scrub in the shower. Take yourself to a museum or movie or shopping or something fun. Treat yourself to a nice pastry or cake on the way home. Do dinner with a friend or friends.

   5. I would travel around to pawn shops and pick out a little diamond something to commemorate the day. That plus coffee and a croissant would be heavenly.

   6. What I did when I had a similar what to do on my birthday conundrum:
      * Started the day with a fun workout (omit if this isn’t your thing)
      * Met a friend for birthday brunch at a new place
      * Visited a new museum to see a couple of exhibits I wanted to see
      * Trip to my fave knitting store to get some goodies (sub in a store related to hobby of your choice)
      * Dinner with loved ones

      I hope you have a great birthday!

   7. I had a broken ankle during my birthday last year and all I wanted to do was rest – I also couldn’t drink (strong painkillers) and showering was such a pain I did it about once every three days. Which is to say I would go with loafing around all day and not feel weird about it. But if you’re more active than I was then I would go with the museum or gallery idea, or browse Time Out/local equivalent for events or festivals going on in your area.

   8. I’ve been thinking lately about how just doing something totally different can be really invigorating. Recently went to a comedy club for the first time in a decade. The comic was not great, but it was so fun to be in a room full of laughing people. Or a friend recently invited me to go to a fragrance bar where we left with custom perfumes. I never would have picked that on my own, but it was really fun. Do you like makeup – could you schedule a makeup consult somewhere in town? Or drive to a small art gallery in a nearby city with a friend?

   9. Can you sign up for something creative, like a painting class (knitting might be tricky with a broken wrist ;) )? Our local parks & rec always has programs like this. Alternatively, take a few pencils on a walk and try to draw something.

      Agree with the museum suggestion above, as well – tours at local art or history museums can be amazing! Or go to the zoo? Botanical gardens?

      Depending on your location, a hike in a new-to-you park/state park/nature area is another option. Bonus points if you can take one or two friends and have a picnic.

2. How common is it for public schools to have “blended” classrooms where kids with special needs are integrated with kids without? I’m reading an interesting thread on Redd1t about a woman’s daughter who is struggling with being distracted in one of her school’s 2 blended classrooms because of the needs of her seatmates. It seems like a lot of people in the comments agree that it’s not ideal to have this set-up, that well-behaved girls often get the short end of the stick in being forced to be friends with kids they don’t always want to be friends with, and that the whole arrangement can harm special needs kids too because they don’t get focused attention. On the other hand, people are pointing out that evidence suggests that the arrangement DOES benefit those kids (not sure how high-quality the evidence is), assuming that there is adequate support for the teaching staff as well. How common is this practice, really, and how much do we know about the benefits and drawbacks?

   1. Extremely common and legally required since we don’t as a rule segregate kids with special needs anymore and schools have a legal obligation to place them in the less restrictive educational environment possible.

      Since you clearly know nothing about this subject at all, instead of starting a discussion maybe do some reading! Reimagining Special Education is a good resource

      1. Realistically, many families with the means to do so end up home schooling or seeking out alternative educational environments for special needs students. Least restrictive educational environment often just means the cheapest one-size-fits-all compromise they can try to get away with.

      2. “Since you clearly know nothing about this subject at all” girl 💀

      3. The problem is in the interpretation of “least restrictive.” I would argue that if a child is throwing chairs and endangering the safety of other students to the point where the classroom has to be evacuated, which happens in our elementary school, that 1) the environment is not restrictive enough for the child throwing chairs and that 2) the other children are in fact being inappropriately restricted.

         1. Yeah, I have to say that I do have a problem with a whole classroom being evacuated because one student is being that violent.

            1. My daughter is in 3rd grade and in 1st grade her classroom was evacuated 4 times. I met with the principal about it. They walked me through classroom evacuations and in these cases it’s done because a kid is having a meltdown or other issue so the rest of the class peaces out. They staff so that an aid can stay with the kid having the issue and the rest of the class moves into the learning lab that’s right next door.

               When they assign classrooms for the year they always staff for this AND make sure there is an empty classroom next door for this reason.

               I posted below but our district staffs appropriately and therefore we find this to be a generally positive experience for our neurotypical kids. One of my kids is slightly neurodiverse but would never qualify for school based interventions. We request that she gets the integrated classroom every year because they are the best staffed, lowest classroom size, most experienced teachers, and the principal is hyper aware of everything happening in them.

            2. This is ridiculous. If the school knows a kid is going to have violent meltdowns, the solution is not to set things up so it’s easy to evacuate the others. The solution is to group the violent kids together so they are only disrupting one another. You can’t just move the whole class next door and expect that learning will continue as if nothing has happened. It’s a severe disruption that will distract kids for the remainder of the day.

               And what if your kid is the one hit with the flying chair before the classroom is evacuated?

            3. How is that not disruptive to the rest of the class’s education to have to evacuate mid lesson 4x?

               Even “good” schools aren’t nearly as good as they once were – we don’t have the resources or time to waste.

            4. I am anonymous @ 10:18. To provide some context, when my daughter’s 1st grade classroom was evacuated 4x in a year, they were not due to “violent meltdowns” other than one time. In each scenario, it was a child (the same child) with sort of uncontrollable emotional frustration. He was mad at himself, not at others, and he would do things like throw a pencil box at the wall. The classroom was evacuated so the kid could cool off and work with his aid.

               I’m not defending it in the sense that one time, my daughter did get hit with something, but the child was not throwing things at her, he threw a deck of cards across the room and one hit her. I only want to point out that over the years, despite the risks and flaws, we ask for this particular child to be placed in the inclusive class and knowing who her peers will be. We also know that she will have extra socio-emotional instruction, have 3-4 adults in the classroom instead of 1, and have a class of 16-18 kids instead of 22-24.

            5. Anon with the 3rd grade daughter: id you had an uncontrollable coworker who was throwing things and couldn’t contain himself, would you and your office all leave in the middle of your workday? Would it rattle you? Would it be conducive to a good work environment? Would you be happy about going into that?

            6. Why wouldn’t they remove the disruptive child instead of the 15 non-disruptive children? That’s still impacting their education that day

            7. They don’t remove the disruptive child because that would typically involve physical restraint.

         2. I agree, anonymous at 9:03am. I think inclusive generally makes sense and can work when appropriate supports are provided, but that a classroom full of children repeatedly having to evacuate due to a classmate’s dangerous behavior isn’t an appropriate interpretation of the “least restrictive” prong of the law.

      4. Not the OP, but sorry we’re not all willing cheerleaders for the Race to the Bottom!

         1. Yeah that’s not a good faith response or discussion.

   2. I thought mainstreaming was common, and that part of the reason it’s considered better is unfortunately because of discriminatory neglect and abuse in separate special ed classrooms historically. My opinion is that the problem of competing access needs hasn’t been solved in general. I feel there is also ideological resistance to the idea that one classroom cannot be all things to all students. School is one of the only places where we expect this to work out. I think there probably are benefits to students engaging with other students of varying ability levels socially. It would probably help if there were less age segregation and I believe it helps whenever there’s more differentiation by academic readiness. I don’t think the classroom model of instruction is all that; I know I learned more at the library.

      1. It’s super common and legally required to serve kids in the “least restricted” environment they can be. It’s also true that some districts are backed into too much mainstreaming (can be in the form of a kid who really needs a dedicated classroom not getting a spot in one, a kid who could be successful part time in a mainstream classroom not getting enough pull out hours and support services, an integrated classroom that needs more aides & teachers not getting it, etc) because it’s cheaper. A society that integrates people with disabilities, including educating kids with serious disabilities, is expensive, and ours doesn’t want to do it

         1. Often it’s a massive battle just to get them to change out florescent lights or address water damage or ventilation so poor that the CO2 levels are known to cause impaired cognition and would be inadequate for livestock. It’s not as though we don’t spend a lot of money on K12 either.

   3. Very common to have this happen… I’ve seen it done well and seen it done poorly. Overall remember that there’s a requirement that we serve children in the least restrictive setting possible. Thus, you can’t assume they’ll just lock kids away…

      Depends on how it’s done and the core question – are there adequate resources to meet student needs. Is there one teacher in a room of 30 kids of varying levels? Or is there thoughtful push-in throughout the day with kids being supported but encouraged to co-exist with their mainstreamed peers. Are the teachers being given the resources they need to succeed? Are the students being given the resources they need to succeed? Or are they relying on a student to serve as staff because they’re under resourced.

      I personally have had both the kid who needed to be kept on task (super bright, was unbelievably bored and when he was put on meds + given more challenging work has been absolutely thriving) and the super rule follower who helped remind a kid to do things like ‘we don’t cut our shirt’. Both kids did well with solid teachers who had enough supports.

      1. Why was it your child’s responsibility to tell another child “we don’t cut our shirt”?

         1. Was it their responsibility? No. They would not have had any consequences had other kid cut their shirt. Is kid very into the fact that scissors are a privilege and was able to reiterate at a peer to peer level a norm that the teacher had already taught and was supervising? Yes. To me, this was appropriate because it was not ‘rule follower! You must teach other kid to use scissors!’ but rather it was channeling kiddo’s black and white rule following energy to help both kids grow. The part I didn’t include is that it was kid who came home beaming with pride that they had helped a friend and told me this.

            I also do think that peer engagement is not a substitute for appropriate staffing. That I would have issue with.

   4. Rarely is it ideal for anyone…

      1. I’ve said it before, but I believe that whenever we ask children to do something that we as adults would never willingly choose for ourselves, we should really look hard at whether that’s just because they can’t stop us.

         1. Because you don’t have people in the workplace different than you? Part of normalizing working with someone who is a wheel chair user or who has ADHD is normalizing having them in the classroom (with appropriate supports).

            1. This is a false equivalency. Most people with disabilities are capable of working in all sorts of office environments with, or often without, reasonable accommodations without disrupting other employees. These are not the kids who are a problem in the classroom. No employee would be allowed to shout, throw chairs, and endanger other employees in the workplace, but this is what we expect our children to put up with in the classroom in the name of “inclusion.”

            2. There are not always adequate supports, and we should question why it’s so important that a child be in a classroom in the first place.

               I do not have people in the workplace who are physically pained by being there to the point of self harm just because it’s a miserable sensory environment for them.

               I do not have coworkers who become so dysregulated by the noise and commotion that they lash out violently, but we’re all just supposed to go on with our day afterward.

               I don’t have coworkers who need to be physically restrained to the point that there are statistics about how many are injured or killed by amateur attempts at physical restraint.

            3. It’s really not fair or accurate to claim that all special needs kids are violent, harm themselves, or need to be restrained. My nephew is autistic and now he’s a thriving young adult with a job because he was able to participate in mainstream classrooms.

            4. Where are you getting “all” from?

               There are also autistic adults who are thriving today because they escaped a classroom environment that they were unable to participate in without harmful dysregulation.

            5. +1 I feel like this example of a violent or self-harming person is trotted out all the time but in real life is incredibly rare. I know a ton of kids with ADHD and a few with autism and while some of them have social or academic issues none of them are violent to themselves and others and I believe all can thrive in mainstream classrooms with the right teacher. My cousin with ASD 1 (formerly known as Asperger’s) was a social outcast but graduated from an Ivy with a 4.0. To say nothing of all the kids with physical and learning disabilities which don’t affect their behavior.

            6. There’s always some survivor bias built in to these discussions about self-harm.

               Ivy league universities are vastly better suited learning environments for a lot of ASD students, so that’s not surprising at all.

            7. Ok but she obviously had to do well in mainstream K-12 to get to the Ivy. She would be the first to tell you she didn’t belong in a separate classroom, which doesn’t offer the advanced tracking (AP courses, etc) the regular classes do and doesn’t typically enable a kid to go to four year college at all, let alone an Ivy.

               I don’t think anyone is arguing that kids who are dangerous to themselves or others are a problem in regular classrooms. But that’s like 1 in 100 kids with special needs or less. Something like 1/3 of the kids in our school district have a 504 and the overwhelming majority are fine in normal clases. My own kid has one! But it’s for weekly speech therapy, it doesn’t impact her ability to function in a normal classroom environment. Lots of kids have a similar story – she has friends who have them because English isn’t their native language, or because they have a food allergy or because they have a physical disability or health issue. Even many of the kids with learning-related special needs like ASD and ADHD do fine in regular classrooms, and sidelining them in special ed classrooms would deprive them of tons of opportunities, especially in terms of academics.

            8. Why deprive special needs children of academic opportunities instead of providing academic opportunities? Some ASD students are academically ready for 12th grade academic work in 5th grade. Is it reasonable to bring in 12th grade instructors for the whole 5th grade class so that they’re not held back? Is it reasonable to hold them back?

         2. Because if you became disabled, you’d want to be segregated from everyone else and treated like a pariah that would bring everyone else down, just because you now needed to use a wheelchair or had trouble hearing or had a chronic illness?

            Obviously mainstreaming can be done well or poorly, but one important lesson it does teach is that people with disabilities are all around us and you can become one at any time, so policies that allow disabled people to participate in society rather than just rot away will benefit everyone.

            1. Is having a good special classroom “rotting away?”

            2. As a disabled student, the message I received is that I should suffer and accept harm so long as it was more convenient for the abled people in society who really matter, especially since if I refuse, it will constitute “just rotting away”!

            3. For a wheelchair user or a kid with a visual or hearing impairment who would be fine academically and socially in a normal classroom, I’d say being banished to a special ed class, no matter how “good” it allegedly is (and let’s be real, they’re never on the same level academically) is completely inappropriate, yeah. People with disabilities exist in the real world. They can exist in normal classrooms unless their behavior prevents other kids from learning. Which in most cases it does not.

            4. Hold on, why are they never on the same level academically?

               For example I thought schools for deaf students run by deaf adults had better outcomes.

            5. No one here is advocating that kids who use a wheelchair or who have ADHD but can cope in a standard classroom need to be segregated. The problem is kids who are disruptive to others’ learning.

            6. 10:02, that is the exact opposite of the message non-disabled students in our school district receive. Non-disabled students are taught that they are required to put up with just about anything from students with autism or ADHD or behavioral problems, including unwanted touching, because “they can’t help it.” In our schools, only disabled students matter.

            7. That’s an entirely separate school. A special Ed classroom in a regular school is different. For one obvious reason that they can’t offer the tracking in subjects like math simply because they don’t have enough students to support three or four math classes. But also because they tend to teach to the lowest common denominator.

            8. I’m honestly hearing that we’d “realistically” never dedicate necessary resources for those kids, so their best odds are begging for scraps in a classroom designed around the needs of other students.

            9. It’s not about resources or not caring. Traditionally special ed classrooms have focused on kids who don’t have the IQ or behavioral skills to succeed in mainstream classes, which is logical, because these kids need somewhere to learn, but it means that kids with disabilities who can succeed in mainstream classes would be done a huge disservice by being put in these classrooms. A wheelchair user with average academic ability or a smart deaf kid belongs in a mainstream classroom, perhaps with a personal aide to assist with the disability, not in a special ed classroom where the average IQ is 70.

            10. Why would an otherwise able student in a wheel chair ever be in the SPED classroom? That’s not how it works

   5. Yes but “special needs” is very broad and includes plenty of kids who do fine in normal classrooms, such as kids who receive speech therapy, English as a Second Language services, have dyslexia or use a wheelchair or brace. I don’t know of any kids who are wildly disruptive in class and shouldn’t be in a normal classroom, but our school district is very small (<200 kids per grade).

      1. I will admit – as someone who attended private school this is new to me. At private school (which was very rigorous, college-prep), we of course had kids who were neurotypical, needed speech therapy or OT, have learning differences, or physical disabilities. Of course they’re mainstreamed in prep school.

         What we didn’t have was kids who behaviorally or intellectually could not keep up. But we had plenty of kids who just needed extra assistance and received it.

         I have dyscalculia and needed speech therapy, my brother has ADHD. A classmate of mine had muscular dystrophy. We all thrived.

         But, we were also able to thrive because the school had small classes, teachers who could fully focus on teaching, and very limited tolerance for behavioral issues. There was no tracking until middle school (and then only math), tracking in high school was gradual. One of the best things (as someone with dyscalculia) was that you could be in APs in one subject and remedials in another – rather than being tracked one way across the board.

         1. What you are describing is the ideal, except that I’d argue that differentiated instruction should begin in kindergarten. This is what makes it possible: limited tolerance for behavioral issues. Public schools are unwilling to enforce classroom discipline or to separate students with disabilities that make their behavior incompatible with a mainstream classroom setting.

            In public schools only loud, disruptive, visible, aggressive, selfish disabilities count. What about all the quiet, well-behaved girls with ADHD and anxiety who are stressed out and distracted by the chaos that the “legitimately” disabled students cause? No one cares about them, and their issues are dismissed because “she’s not disruptive and she’s still getting As.”

         2. Your last sentence is true in public schools too.

            1. Not every public school… Many just have tracks and due to scheduling you have to be all in on one track

            2. …my parents literally moved me to private school because I have dyscalculia and the public school was set up so everything you took had to be in the same track. So, the school wanted to put me in all remedial classes because of the dyscalculia.

               Moved to private school where I took remedial math (that was focused for students with such learning disabilities) and then excelled in all honors and AP history, social studies, English, and Spanish classes.

            3. Maybe it’s school specific, but I don’t think it’s a private vs. public thing.

               Every public school I know of tracks by subject in middle and high school, so you can definitely be in advanced math and basic English or vice versa. My own public high school did it this way too, way back in the 90s. My friend with kids in private school has across the board tracking!

         3. +1 being in a private school, I (am now learning mistakenly) thought that special education was students who had intellectual disabilities that meant they couldn’t be in mainstream classrooms. I didn’t realize that it meant intellectually on-track students with physical disabilities, those who are neurotypical, etc.

            1. It normally does mean that! Our public elementary has a very small special ed room that is only students with severe intellectual or behavioral issues who can’t handle the normal classroom environment. Students with physical disabilities, mild learning disabilities like dyslexia, and things like ASD and ADHD are normally in mainstream classes.

            2. Thanks for clarifying! I’ll admit, I’m confused by this thread. When someone mentioned that they support combining special ed an “regular” classrooms so an intellectually and behaviorally on track student in a wheel chair gets the “traditional” education, I was surprised!

            3. There’s a difference between “special needs” and “special ed classroom.” Any child with a 504 plan is legally considered special needs and this includes all kinds of things like wheelchair use, visual and hearing impairments, food allergies, chronic health issues, ADHD, ASD, mental health issues, dyslexia, needing speech therapy, OT or English as a Second Language services, etc. Almost all of these students do fine in regular classrooms and wouldn’t be in a special ed classroom. There’s a section on the 504 plan for whether the student is recommended for mainstream classroom or not and in almost all cases the answer is yes.

               A special ed classroom is a separate classroom, typically functioning at a much lower academic level due to the need to accommodate severely intellectually impaired students. The goal of that classroom is to get kids through high school or a GED, not to get them to college, so a special needs kid with average or above average academics does not belong there.

            4. Anon at 12:09 thank you so much for clarifying – that cleared it up for me!

               I was confused why special ed kids were being included in “typical” classrooms, given the different aim of their education, but now I understand that special ed still exists as I was picturing it.

               As for special needs, I now realize that in my experience every class was combined in my school and I didn’t realize that that wasn’t necessarily the norm elsewhere.

               One follow up question – what happens with students who are special needs (not needing special ed) but unable to be in a “typical” classroom?

            5. “One follow up question – what happens with students who are special needs (not needing special ed) but unable to be in a “typical” classroom?”

               I think that’s what OP is really asking about – kids who have the academic ability to be in mainstream classes but who are so behaviorally disruptive they can’t function in a typical classroom without individual support. The question was overbroad since so many “special needs” kids do just fine in regular classrooms, but I think the question was really about those who don’t but who are too academically prepared for the special ed classroom. In my opinion, ideally you have a one-on-one aide for that student (and some students who are not disruptive, such as physically disabled students, also routinely get aides) who can remove that student if they become disruptive. But that’s not always how it works in practice.

            6. Just saying: my kid has above average intelligence along with AuDHD, GAD, and resulting behavior problems. It’s the worst of all worlds because he couldn’t function in a regular classroom, but most special schools are focused on behavior issues or dyslexia. Very very hard to find a situation to keep him academically on track. Home schooling him would probably be in his best interest academically, but not from a social standpoint (also, mama works).

         4. Neurodivergent, not neurotypical. I’m seeing this error over and over again in this thread, which tells me a lot of people don’t know what they’re talking about.

            1. Or it’s one person making a lot of comments.

         5. the kid in my daughter’s public school 1st grade class who had aggressive and violent outbursts had 3 siblings in private parochial school. Feel how you want about that.

            1. I feel a lot of ways about this. For everyone above blaming public schools for not controlling students and extolling private schools who imposed behavioral limitations…. Perhaps consider that this student probably was kicked out of private school and public school was legally required to admit them?

            2. I don’t think it’s some kind of secret that when people pay private school tuition they expect a learning environment that is free from violence and chaos. That’s also why they extol private schools for imposing behavioral limitations, since it is part of what they’re paying for.

               And just because public schools are legally required to admit all students doesn’t mean they’re equipped and resourced. This is part of how restraint and seclusion became so fraught to begin with, because some schools were struggling to achieve safety for all parties (teacher, student with unmet needs, other students in the room).

   6. Just a reminder that inclusivity is encouraged because THESE KIDS ARE A BIG PART OF THE POPULATION NOW. 1 in 35 kids has an autism diagnosis, i haven’t even seen the stats on ADHD but it feels more like 1 in 10. going forward people will have to learn how to deal with each other regardless of whether they are NT or ND.

      1. Schools weren’t designed to be inclusive though (thus all the IEPs and 504s and “accommodations”).

         If we want to invent an educational system that serves all children’s needs, we need to actually do that.

         1. A 504 is just documentation of something outside of the default “standard” track. I don’t think it’s evidence that the school “wasn’t designed to be inclusive.” You get them for speech therapy, English as a second language, extra reading help, food allergies, chronic health issues, and all sorts of things that clearly don’t prevent kids from being in normal classrooms.

            1. Look at how you’re using words like “normal,” “default,” and “standard” and read about the myth of the average and about universal design.

            2. That’s why I put “standard” in quotes. I should have said regular classrooms, not normal classrooms, and “regular classrooms” is just shorthand for not a separate special ed room. How else do you describe it? The point stands that schools are perfectly inclusive of the vast majority of kids with special needs and do a fine job accommodating them. And needing to accommodate kids with some special needs isn’t a new thing – my dad got speech therapy at school in the 1940s and another relative was recognized as dyslexic and got help at school for it in the 60s.

            3. Accommodating special needs students was entirely optional until the 1970s. Rescuing kids from the kinds of places they ended up when school could kick them out was imperative and saved lives, but it’s not finished work either.

   7. Super common. We are in a very fancy public school district and it’s prevalent.

      I have 3 kids and for one of my kids (currently in 3rd grade) we actually request the integrated classroom. In our district (see: very rich district) the special education is very well funded. In the integrated classroom there are kids with behavioral and other special needs yes but there are also 1:1 aids and the most dedicated teachers. My 3rd grader is gifted and has some attention issues and being in the integrated classroom means she’s always got an adult to pay attention to her, even if it’s someone who is technically a 1:1 aid. She also benefits tremendously from the intense socio-emotional learning curriculum that coincides with the integrated classroom.

      My other two kids have been in these classrooms as well. While they haven’t necesarily been as benefiial, they are also no big deal and our district staffs the classrooms for the needs. Many of the kids with major behavioral issues are pulled out for large portions of the day for OT and other supplemental curriculum. I volunteer at the school and will often see the SPED staff walking kids around the halls with their “mobile classrooms” eg. the a kid gets to read while peddling a little bike through the halls, or use screens to attend the class from another location since it is too noisy.

   8. I was the ‘good’ female student and it did quite a number on me. I was always tasked with being the reading buddies of the disruptive and delayed students and I had no idea why I was made to teach them and being punished. So I tried to be an even better student… which led to more forced student tutoring which my young self again saw as punishment. It was never explained to me why I kept having the worst partners and such terrible experiences.

      1. To add, I have Autism myself but the quiet quirky genius kind, not the throwing books and yelling type.

      2. This right here. I was identified as gifted and was therefore always paired for group work with a boy who had been held back at least two grades. My sweet, compliant daughter was assigned by two different teachers to be “friends” with the class bully, who had some sort of personality disorder. She was sometimes pulled out of class to serve as a role-play partner for this kid during sessions with the school counselor, and no one thought it was a problem that my daughter was missing instructional time because “she’s gifted and she’s keeping up fine.”

         1. Are you serious? How on earth is that considered OK by the school for your daughter?

      3. I had similar experiences and it was upsetting to me even though I liked the idea of teaching. In middle school, I had to do a group project with a kid who had thrown another kid through a plate-glass window in the cafeteria. Terrifying to me, even though nothing happened (I just did all the work).

         My eldest is a girl who is Miss Pleasure to Have in Class. FWIW, she has never been asked to teach other students or be reading buddies with kids who are struggling. It could be her (sometimes way too frank) personality but I also think schools are a bit more conscious about this kind of thing nowadays.

         1. I definitely think there’s less peer teaching now. I was basically a teachers assistant all through elementary school and my bright kid has not experienced that at all. She’s in a high ability program but they “cluster” in regular classrooms so half of the kids in her classes are not high ability and as far as I can tell there’s been no peer tutoring. Which is a good thing. It was a horrible social dynamic!

   9. In our school district the practice is that all kids except those with severe intellectual disabilities are mainstreamed with little to no support AND that there is no differentiation in instruction until high school. It’s a total charlie foxtrot.

   10. The real problem is that schools refuse to enforce classroom discipline. Most mildly or moderately disabled kids are able to function just fine in mainstream classrooms with appropriate supports, but some fraction of disabled students and non-disabled students also have behavior problems. All of the kids with severe behavior problems, disabled or not, should be subject to discipline beginning with immediate removal from the classroom if they are seriously disruptive, progressing to suspension for repeated disruption or physical aggression, and ending with transfer to an alternative school. That’s how it was when I was growing up–kids lived in fear of being sent to the principal’s office, being suspended, or being sent to the alternative school. There were no red/yellow/green charts, prize boxes, or second chances. The really bad kids just disappeared. Nowadays my teacher friends report that if they send a kid to the office he comes back in a few minutes with a snack and a new fidget toy.

       1. I think e.g. autistic kids melting down from being overwhelmed with a level of stress that would be considered abusive if inflicted on a NT child aren’t best characterized as “really bad kids.”

       2. ok boomer. what even…

   11. It was pretty common in my kids’ K-5 school (public, urban, CA). Generally, the kids with special needs had an aide to help them and the older the kids got, the more time the kids with special needs spent in pull-out sessions or classes. My kids didn’t find it to be a huge deal, especially since plenty of kids would leave for reading intervention or math help or to talk to a counselor during the school day.

       In middle and high school, it seems pretty common for kids with special needs to join in for music classes though there are some English and social studies classes that are blended (though my kids haven’t been in a core “blended” class at middle or high school).

       Frankly, it was NBD for either of my kids. It probably is beneficial in demystifying special needs for typical kids and I suspect that being in a “blended” classroom can help kids with special needs demonstrate that they are capable of more academic work. That said, my kids’ district pushes total inclusion so hard that I strongly suspect the motivation is financial (salary of aide < salary of special education teacher).

   12. Very common and how successful itis, is going to depend on funding. Our district outplaces a lot of kids because they straight up cannot support them due to a multitude of issues (financial mismanagement being the primary issues.) Our class sizes are large and they don’t have adequate supports within. They try to differentiate within the class for each student, but they don’t succeed. We pulled my daughter and she goes to a progressive private school. She has some generalized anxiety, and is generally a quiet and good natured girl. But for her own education, she really needed more supports and attention than she could get in our public school.

   13. Yes, not just common. It’s the law.

       Source: my daughter is a teacher

3. Dear Autocorrect,

   Never have I ever, not once, wanted to sign off an email with “TAki” or “Tanks” or “THanks.” I am not SpongeBob. Stop it.

   TIA!

   1. Thank you for the Monday morning laugh.

   2. TAki for this!

   3. I made the same typo of my own name so often that autocorrect thought I intended to misspell my name. I had to add the typo to my shortcuts or whatever list to make sure it correctly corrects my typo. Did the same thing with “ducking.”

      1. Our family group chat refers to it as “autoduck” for this very reason.

4. For those who have changed careers – can you discuss that process a bit? How did you decide it was time to change? How did you decide what to pivot to? How do you handle loving both careers and knowing that whatever path you take you’ll be missing something?

5. Any recommendations of any sort for a day or two in Bath, England?

   Thanks!

   1. Read the wiki on the prior marquess of bath. I would want to visit that house. The current marchioness of bath has a cooking show on YouTube that seems to be delightful.

   2. it’s Jane Austen’s 250th birthday year so there may be special events going on associated with that.

      1. it’s beautiful and fun. it’s not far from stonehenge which i would include as a half day…. definitely worth seeing.

   3. Persephone Books is a lovely small publisher that revives books by neglected women writers and they have a bookstore in bath that is very charming.

      1. +1 I have read 6 of their books and they have all been wonderful

   4. When are you going? Bc I’m going to be there next week and can answer when I return!

   5. Thermae Bath spa for the rooftop pool and a good massage
      The Roman Baths if you like ruins and classical history
      The botanical gardens are a very pretty walk
      Prior Park Landscape Garden for a longer walk and landscaping designed by Capability Brown and Alexander Pope. City views and beautiful landscaping, ponds, and interesting small buildings/structures to explore.
      The Royal Crescent is a quick visit.

   6. Instead of reading boring old Jane Austen, read The Pickwick Papers by Charles Dickens. It is a genuinely funny comic novel that has some scenes in Bath. It describes the society balls of Bath in such a delightful way.

      1. Anyone who thinks Jane Austen is “boring old” does not get to sit by me.

   7. It’s been a bit since we’ve been but: Jane Austen museum, the actual bath experience, Royal Crescent, Stonehenge and there was a tiny fashion museum that was really quite nice.

6. What would you do? We stayed at an AirBNB last week. It was a just fine experience, looked like the pictures, and my kids really loved it (it had a video game room, a really fun pool, and an outside tv). I can’t give it a 5 star review, though, because (1) it clearly has a mold or mildew problem- one half of the home smelled strongly and there was visible black junk in the air ducts and one of the showers had a leak that resulted in a puddle on the floor after every shower and (2) the pool guy came at home point and dumped a bucked of chlorine in the water and clearly did no testing or other pool maintenance. I had to stop my 6 year old from playing with the PILE of chlorine at the bottom of the pool. Yuck, ew.

   If I left a review, I would also want to add that the home, while on a nice block, is in a pretty not-so-nice part of town. This is the sort of thing I’d have wanted to know in advance.

   That said, I didn’t communicate with the owner about any of these things, because there is nothing they could have done about them at the time. We mixed in the chlorine by hand and tested it with the pool test kit we found on site (we own a pool at home and knew what we were doing). The other things are long term problems not a quick fix.

   I guess I’m torn between giving honest feedback that could help other people make an informed decision before booking, and being the sort of guest who says nothing then leaves a bad review. I’m leaning towards leaving no review at all and privately messaging the owners about the mold/moisture/leak as well as the terrible pool guy. Does that seem right? My goal is to help others have a better experience in the future, not any sort of compensation or anything.

   FWIW this property has been on airBNB for a couple years and has an overall very high rating. If I didn’t leave a 5 star rating it would have an impact.

   1. I rarely if ever leave AirBnB reviews. I think it’s fair to mention negative issues only if you raised them at the time with the owner and got an unsatisfactory response.

      Neighborhood stuff in on the renter, it’s super common to use google streetview to check out the neighborhood.

      1. But you don’t usually get address information until after you book. OP, I think you could write a balanced review noting the issues and still giving it a 5.

         1. You can tell the neighborhood without the exact address. To get a feel for the neighborhood, you want to walk around a couple streets. Take like 5 mins and saves ending up in a shady neighborhood.

            1. How do you walk around the neighborhood if you don’t live there?

            2. On google streetview

            3. Sorry. Didn’t realize people are now calling that “walking the streets.” Noted

            4. if you read the replies in order, this thread starts with someone recommending walking around using street view, so all of this is with that context…

   2. Wow, disagree! I’d leave a negative review (3*) for the chlorine and mold smells. I’ve used private feedback for other maintenance issues in the past that weren’t severe, but nothing like an untested, highly chlorinated pool or mold and mildew concerns.

      1. Don’t the owners usually have the ability to respond? I would think that if a property had a bad review due to the pool (especially if it said we didn’t mention to the owner for (resdon)) and the owner responded with like “thanks, we have changed pool services so this should not be a problem for other guests” I’d consider it solved. The mold though…ick. I would absolutely want to be warned about that cause that’s not easy to clean up/fix quickly?

         1. Owners can respond but you can also filter by rating which means if the review causes their rating to fall below 5*, the ability to respond doesn’t help them clarify that it was a new pool service and they have changed to another provider or whatever. This is why owners ask renters to address issues directly with them prior to leaving a negatively review.

            Like it would be fair of OP to ask for a partial refund if the pool was unusable for part of her stay and I’d do that before leaving a negative review without notice to the owner beforehand.

            1. But the filtering works *because* people are expected to leave honest reviews – if people think it’s some kind of act of violence to not give 5 stars, the ratings overall become useless. Give the rating for your actual experience. If the owner doesn’t like their score dropping, they can: offer great service to people who filter for 4* and improve their rating; write a response; start checking on their property preemptively to address these problems rather than waiting for a client to report it

            2. Yes! This is exactly the kind of thing should warrant a less than stellar review. You have a responsibility to other guests; not just the host. It feels unethical to say a place was perfect when it wasn’t clean or safe. Who cares if the hosts unable to demand the same price for their moldy place? If they wanted a five star rating they could have dealt with the mold.

   3. AirBnB is a cancer to residential neighborhoods.

      1. It really is. I can’t believe people are still using them. OP, get a hotel next time, for many reasons.

      2. 100%

   4. 1. Absolutely message during your stay! Even if they can’t fix it immediately it’s worth documenting. If it’s really bad you might get a partial refund from Airbnb if the host doesn’t offer. Plus, to point #2, if you mention it in the review but didn’t during your stay, the host will often publicly reply to point out that omission.
      2. Put both positive and negatives in your reviews, presented calmly and factually. I pore over them when considering where to stay.
      3. We seldom stay anywhere that we haven’t located on Google Maps (using views out the window or pics of the exterior for clues) and strolled using Street View.

   5. I would stay at hotels

      1. Agree!

      2. Yep. The AirBnB ratings system, just like the Uber rating system, is a crock because anything other than a five-star rating, or honest feedback, will lead to retaliation so no one leaves honest reviews. Hotel reviews tend to be more realistic, hotels have more reputational motivation to provide at least a basic level of cleanliness and service, and with a hotel you have more avenues of recourse if something goes wrong.

         This story made me think of the hilarious hotel commercial that features a dad skimming the pool in front of a dilapidated air BnB.

         1. This isn’t my experience with Airbnb at all.

         2. Airbnb is basically vacation rentals without the local rental agent. Same as V RBO or filtering for vacation rentals on booking.

   6. I think your plan is the best way to proceed. If the owners don’t address it, there will be a series of bad reviews to follow, but give them a chance.

      1. For all you know, tons of people have been telling them this stuff. If no one is willing to leave a bad review, the reviews are meaningless

   7. I would appreciate a fair assessment of the property. If you had the opportunity to read your post, would you have booked the property?

      1. OP here- I might not have, but that’s where I’m getting stuck. We did have nice time.

         1. I understand. Sorry for the follow-up, did the owner send you an email asking you to leave a review? Maybe that is an opportunity to gauge a response on the issues you had? If the owner’s reply is receptive and to your liking, maybe leave it at that?

   8. I get that anything but 5 stars hurts, but I also don’t care about an airbnb owner losing business the same way I would about an actual small biz owner, etc.

      I would leave 4 stars (just because you didn’t reach out at all during/give owner a chance to respond) and something like “we had a nice stay at this property & our kids enjoyed the bonus features like a video game room, pool, and outside tv. unfortunately the pool has some maintenance issues and part of the home appears to have mildew/leaky shower. If those issues were addressed, we’d be happy to stay here again.”

      I wouldn’t mention the neighborhood as that’s so subjective & I think on the book-er to look into if you’re more sensitive about that.

   9. The owner should not have had handicaps added to the pool during your stay. But also you should’ve contacted the owner immediately and demanded a refund of whatever value you ascribed to the pool.

      I have a pool. You can’t be in the pool for several hours after they dump chlorine in. You should not have mixed that by hand, I’m surprised you didn’t get chemical burns. There are forms of chlorine that are safe to swim with – the hockey puck looking tabs contained in a plastic thingy that floats around the pool – but a bucket of chlorine is a lot!! Sounds almost like he was shocking the pool — which means you can’t use it for like 48 hours. Those chemicals were a danger to you and your kids. Please treat your skin and hair very carefully for the next week or so. Lots of aloe and moisturizer.

      1. Omg autocorrect! CHEMICALS not handicaps. Wtf??

      2. I’m the OP and “by hand” meant “using the end of the skimming pole” not with our actual hands!! We have a pool at home as well.

   10. I would put the information in the review. Black mold is a health hazard, and people can be allergic to it. My husband, for example, is very allergic to mold and gets migraines/sneezing attacks– if we had stayed in that AirBnb, it would have ruined out vacation.

       1. Yes. I’m surprised more people don’t seem to consider the health hazards of mold. It’s a big deal and a review would warn others. But I agree the OP should contact the owners first.

   11. Just copy and paste what you’ve written here into a review.

7. Yesterday my H accused my of flirting with someone in a setting where we were just chatting, lots of friends together just standing around, I just happened to have a specific conversation with this person as we have kids the same age. It is frustrating because we have had these issues before where I am having a completely benign conversation and he accuses me of things like this, making comments like I should not do that because “his wife is to nice”. He also accuses me of using various social media platforms to communicate with men I shouldn’t be to the point that he has looked through all of them and there is nothing and he still thinks I am hiding something. Yesterday I was to the point of “this cannot continue and we need to figure out what to do”. He will not consider a separation as he says “they never work.” This morning he was all about how I never do anything to work on our marriage, but he won’t tell me what he would like me to do, just that married people should know everything about each other and I need to look into “how to make the marriage better”. At this point I have no idea what I could possibly do.

   He also says that I think everything is about me and this is related to the fact that I finally decided a few years ago as the kids have gotten older that I need to start taking better care of myself, so I have started working out and eating better. I’ve also actually developed a few friendships and try to do things with a group of friends (all female) a couple of times a month. I know he does not like that.

   Has anyone navigating getting their SO to become less accusatory, etc.? Is there something I can do? I don’t know where to even start to look into “how to make the marriage better”.

   1. You can’t fix someone else’s insecurities. If he doesn’t recognize this and work on himself, I don’t see this ending well.

   2. Your post reminds me of the woman who posted a few years ago about her husband accusing her of wearing tight jeans to church. Does anyone know how to find that thread? I tried and failed.
      The consensus was, as I recall, these accusations are the beginning of or continuation of abusive behavior and you need to safely leave him. I’m not someone who suggests divorce often, but I always will when a spouse is abusive.

      1. I found a follow up from November 9, 2022 at 11:44 am. Look for the post about jeans to church posted by an anon.

         https://corporette.com/hanna-top/

      2. Another update from Church Jeans on December 2, 2022 at 9:52.
         https://corporette.com/ruffle-trimmed-embroidered-button-front-shirt/
         Unfortunately, I cannot find the original post.

   3. Yes girl you can divorce your controlling husband now before it slips fully into abuse and you teach your children this is normal. You don’t need his permission or him to believe it is necessary you need a great lawyer and you need it now

   4. You don’t make this marriage better. You leave, because being controlling and accusatory is abusive. Life can get so much better than this.

   5. Meet with a counselor 1:1 and talk through the specifics of what’s happening. The details matter and random internet posts can’t convey that, but the overall vibe you’re describing sounds dangerously controlling. You need a real life, external person to help you sort out whether this is in the realm of fixable (and whether you want to try to fix it), and how to stay safe in the meantime, before you think about stuff like couples counseling

   6. “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” by Lundy Barcroft. It’s available as a free PDF if you google it, but well worth the purchase. She goes into why men some feel entitled to control their partners, and different archetypes of control that men use (including the jealous type). Please don’t be mistaken by her examples– your partner may not be as “bad” or “extreme” as the men she’s worked with, but she goes into such amazing detail about where/why these patterns happen and it’s a must read for any woman.

   7. Will he agree to marriage counseling? If not, go solo. The idea that you want to do something different to avoid unreasonable behavior on his part shows that he has already convinced you this is a “you” problem when in fact, it is a “him” problem. Please get some professional help b/c this type of behavior can escalate, and you need to be thinking through what happens if it does.

      1. Don’t go to marriage counseling with an abuser

      2. Marriage counseling is a mistake with these kind of men. They’ll game the process, gaslight the OP, and then double down on controlling behavior at home.

   8. You have asked him for a separation and he has refused?

      1. I was shocked when the OP just threw this comment in there. Your situation is so concerning to me.

   9. I’m sorry you’re going through this! I agree that your husband’s behavior seems to be a reflection of his of own insecurities, but it sounds like you both want things to improve. Boundaries (John Townsend and Henry Cloud) is a good book for you to read to maintain a pulse on where you want (and where you don’t want) to place your emotional ownership. Relationship counseling might be the best way to facilitate constructive discussion at this point. I wish you all the best.

   10. I could not live like this. You don’t need to justify your actions and you certainly don’t need permission for a separation. Please put your own safety and your own needs first.

   11. OP here, thank you for the comments. I felt like, yes, this is borderline abusive, but then second-guessed myself when he kept saying I had done nothing to try to fix it. He says I always turn it around to make him look like the bad person, but I am just trying to figure out why he believes these things when they are not true.

       I did mention that maybe a separation for a bit would help us to get a better perspective, but he said “those never work.”

       1. This is called DARVO. My ex did it to me all the time, before I had a name for it. I would come to him with something, “hey, I feel sad when ___,” and the response was “yeah, well you ___ which makes me more sad” and then he would blow up. Then it became about soothing him, and I learned not to bring my concerns to him because they would be turned around, made my fault and I was in the dog house.

       2. He is a bad person and you don’t need his permission to get a divorce

          1. Agree. And she should not expect that at any point he will acknowledge his role in the marriage breaking up. That is not going to happen and it this guy. It doesn’t mean she has to stay with him forever! It really means she shouldn’t.

       3. I understand your feelings here. As a neutral observer, he’s gaslighting you. How has HE tried? By accusing you and making you feel bad about yourself? A loving partner doesn’t behave that way.

          Also, for the separation, this isn’t like a nuclear submarine where both of you have to push a button (to take from Seinfeld). You get to decide what you’re comfortable with and how you want to proceed. I’ll be thinking about you!

       4. From this distance, it looks like you’re in a controlling marriage. And it looks like it’s not going to get better, given your husband’s responses. So I think if I were you, I’d start with a therapist myself, so that they could give me some perspective. You sound pretty beholden to how your husband explains the situation, and you need to get out of that gaslighting circle. Second, I’d take a separation. You don’t need his permission to leave, and you need some space.

       5. If a separation won’t work, best head straight for divorce then. As others have noted, this is a “him” problem so you certainly can’t solve it by yourself. If you could you would — so very unfair for him to act like it’s your job. You can’t change it but what you can do is leave.

       6. They don’t work at this point because the next step should be divorce

          If his goal is reconciliation, he would be behaving differently

   12. If he is “concerned” about you chatting with another parent, accuses you of cheating via social media, is unwilling to consider taking time apart, accuses you of not caring about or working on the marriage, does not like it when you spend time with friends, and accuses you of making your life about you, my guess is that is his control is seeping into most aspects of your life. He is either projecting or increasing his level of control over you, probably both. Not all abuse involves bruises or blatant name calling, some is so subtle that only the person being abused picks up on the messages being sent their way: be smaller, make me happy, don’t rock the boat, don’t talk to other people (who may clue you in on how not ok this is), make me your entire world. Right now, the thing for you to do is start reading about coercive control. Read Lundy Bancroft’s book mentioned below. Nurture any relationships outside of your marriage – people that will be a safety net when you are ready to walk away.

   13. This is a him problem not a you problem. This is very controlling and borderline abusive behavior.

       I’m not naive that marriage can be hard. We’ve gone to counseling twice. But DH would never be negative about time with female friends or casual conservations with other men at social events. There’s a difference between disagreeing on division of household chores or time/relationships with in laws vs being accusatory over taking care of yourself and normal relationships with friends/acquaintances.

       1. + 1 this is not a “marriage is hard” situation. No one should ever marry or stay married to this kind of person. You have to leave.

   14. Get a divorce girl.

   15. This is abusive and it won’t change, just get worse the longer you are with him.

       Start with your domestic violence group and get their help with counseling. Hire a lawyer who understands this controlling behavior. Get yourself financially prepared for divorce. You need a job that can pay the bills. If you need any education get it paid for now from joint marital assets. Divorcing these men typically takes a very long time.

       Just to warn you, my ex husband did this type of thing with me. Post divorce the abuse has been horrific because he has to have control and be equal or better than me at everything. I warn others of what happened to me because it’s greatly affected my children. The domestic violence shelter probably has therapy for your children and I recommend their help over a private provider because they have much more experience with the PTSD/trauma compared to therapists working in private practice.

   16. No experience on this, but want to say how commendable it is that you are taking better care of yourself during such a stressful time. I hope you keep it up and hope you find peace very soon, with or without him.

   17. OP again – It is just so hard to think about getting out of this situation. Adult kids still living at home along with a teenager. I can’t just pack them up and leave. They would likely stay and I would be the one to leave the house. It all just seems so hard. I feel stuck like I know what I “should” do but implementing it is very daunting.

       1. It doesn’t have to be a black and white overnight thing. Continuing building your life outside the house with being more active and supportive female friendships. Look at opportunities to include your kids. I recently started doing an evening yoga class with my 14 year old daughter and it’s great! Does a kid like to draw? Take a drawing class together etc.

          1. Adding that the point of building these relationships with your kids to include things outside the house is that if you do decide to you need to leave at some point, your relationship exists outside of sharing a house with your adult children.

       2. That sounds really hard and as you can see from these comments, this is so so so not normal and not okay. Consider your options and talk to a therapist and a lawyer. Does he control and abuse your kids like this too and do you want that to be ok for them to accept from their partner eventually?

       3. My narcissistic ex began this controlling pattern when he was cheating. He was meeting people on Tinder and then waking me at 2AM to scream at me about how someone had commented on my social media in 2018 and that relationship was inappropriate. I would encourage yourself to ask hard questions about whether he’s projecting his inappropriate behavior onto you. I wish you strength and calm while you navigate. You’re in a hard place and I am sorry.

          1. I cannot agree with this more. It also sounds like escalating abuse.

             OP, please get out, but protect yourself while doing so. I worked with two women who were killed by their partners while leaving. I’m not trying to scare you, but this is a PSA to us all.

             Sorry for the long response, but my ex told me he wanted a divorce out of the clear blue after accusing me of inappropriate work relationships (there was no such thing). I later found out he was having an affair with a 19 year old. Not knowing that at the time, I begged him to stay and he did for a while, although becoming incredibly withdrawn. Obviously I should have known it was a lost cause, but he changed so much seemingly overnight I couldn’t understand what had gone wrong.

             I was sleeping all the time because I was so depressed and sad. One weekend afternoon I had taken a nap in bed. I woke up to see him kneeling by the bed, staring at me while I slept. He stood up without a word to me and left the room once he saw I was awake and finally moved out for good days later. I often wonder how close I was to a Lacey Peterson or Shannan Watts situation if he thought he could’ve gotten away with it.

       4. Girl do you care about yourself or not. Adult children can move.

       5. It is so hard, and I promise that it will get easier the more space you can get from him. The anticipation is often worse than the actual event or process.

       6. When he starts in on how “this cannot continue” what would happen if you said something to the effect of “You’re right, it cannot continue. I will support your search for and development of tools to cope with your feelings in a healthy way, but I will not continue to enable them. I will not put up with unfounded accusations about my fidelity, I will not shut myself off from contact with the outside world, I will not set an example of dangerous relationship dynamics for my children. What are you going to do to address your insecurities?”

       7. I’m sorry. This is very, very difficult, and it’s really commendable that you’re recognizing how untenable the marriage is. That said, your adult kids and teenager are more self-sufficient than toddlers, and you can leave and ask them to come with you. They might or might not, and your husband may or may not try to use them as manipulative chips. But — and I hope you’ll hear this — right now you’re trapped in a manipulative situation, and staying only harms you.

       8. Wondering if your kids are boys or girls. Boys tend to identify with the abuser. In any case, staying tells all your kids that this is okay in a relationship. It is not. Maybe your children are tired of seeing you get abused?

   18. agree with others – please leave as soon as you safely can. This is not going to change, it’s going to escalate. Don’t let your kids see this as normal.

       also, I had a longterm BF who started to do this. Randomly getting jealous, weird accusations based on nothing. Complained about things in the relationship & that I wasn’t doing enough, etc. He was the one cheating. It’s a very common pattern.

   19. He’s projecting and he’s cheating on you.

   20. He’s controlling. He wants you to look better and is insecure. He baselessly accuses you of cheating (which usually mean he’s cheating and trying to keep you off-balance to avoid questioning him). He won’t “agree” to a divorce.

       Girl, get a top-notch family law attorney and an STI test.

8. Going to see Niagara Falls for two days in late May – excited as is the first time I’ll have been there. Travel recs needed.
   Landing in Buffalo late on a Wednesday night; will head into Canada first thing Thursday, and then need to be back in Buffalo for a dinner on Friday night, so two full days. Have booked a place called the Queens Landing for Thursday night, but that is the extent of our planning.
   Would love your ideas on how to make the most of the two days; restaurants, museums, and of course, the Falls.
   Not wedded to this particular hotel if you have a better idea. We don’t love the B &B/inn experience, so looking for something like upscale hotel. All ideas welcome.

   1. Maid of the Mist is a classic for a reason. I’d previously been to the Falls as a kid but we went last summer and it was absolutely a highlight of a big American roadtrip.

   2. I would be a little prepared to be underwhelmed viewing from town. like the pics you see are so majestic and in person it’s a bunch of loud tourists clustered around a railing.

   3. If you are going without kids, I’d go to Niagara on the Lake one day. It’s about 25 minutes from the falls. There are wineries and cute shops and restuarants. If you have kids, there are a lot of stuff they will like, go karts, etc. If you want to go over to the american side, a nice thing to do is walk over and go through passport control on foot. You could then go to cave of the winds on the US side.

      1. Second Niagara on the Lake. Much cuter than the falls (which are a natural wonder for sure, but the town is kind of awful).

   4. 3 suggestions. Check days open/closed before you. Have a great time!

      1. Small museum with meaningful, interesting exhibits: https://www.niagarafallsundergroundrailroad.org/
      The Underground Railroad went to Buffalo before people crossed the border into complete freedom in Canada.

      2. Buffalo’s art museum — I haven’t been but I’ve heard great things.
      https://buffaloakg.org/
      From their website: “The Buffalo AKG Art Museum (formerly the Albright-Knox Art Gallery) is one of the oldest museums dedicated to the art of our time, and the sixth-oldest public art institution in the United States. ”

      3. Martin House, built by Frank Lloyd Wright
      https://martinhouse.org/

   5. Queens Landing is in Niagara on the Lake, and the last time I stayed there (10 years ago) it was beautiful. The town of Niagara on the Lake is close to, but not the same as Niagara Falls. Much more quaint. I find Niagara Falls a little tacky, but the falls are spectacular and there is a casino if you like those.

      The Shaw Festival is in Niagara on the Lake if you like plays. There are lots of wineries in that area as well. Might be too late for the Tulip farm, but that is fun. Lots of little shops and restaurants in Niagara on the Lake – and your US dollar will be a bonus.

9. It looks like spring may come a little early in my part of the world – I’m interested in any and all spring outfit inspiration! Is there anything you’re excited to wear?

   I’m in a little bit of a rut and need to go through my closet – hoping your ideas will give me some motivation.

   1. I am in a midi skirt and midi dress era. I have a black cotton midi skirt from Modern Citizen that I love. I also like my Tobie button-front pleated shirtdress from Anthro.

   2. J.Jill (hear me out!) has the prettiest collection of kelly green, cobalt blue, and fresh white with denim out right now – I wanted everything when I walked in the store.

      1. Not OP but this sounds right up my alley. I need to go check out a store! Thanks for this.

   3. I just bought some cream lightweight denim trousers, white denim trousers and navy lightweight pants this weekend. I am going to wear with lightweight sweaters or a tan vest over a white shirt with nude kitten heels now and will add a white linen blazer in a month or so.

   4. I have new cream cords to wear with my old Spring weight sweaters.

10. I work for a federal agency that laid off most of its employees last night. We work mainly overseas, in austere environments. We are locked out from the building with the memorial wall of the colleagues lost in service. We served in Afghanistan embedded at the “tip of the spear” in places you heard on the news (Marja, Kandahar). We represent less than 1% of the budget. I do not think I am entitled to a job for life, but I do not understand the goal in this.

    1. I am so very sorry. The goal of this is dictatorial control.

    2. I am so, so sorry. I used to work for that agency and am now a fed elsewhere. My LinkedIn is filled with friends and former colleagues looking for work, work that sadly without the agency will not exist.

       The people dedicating their life to this work are the best among us. The work is so important on so many levels (mostly morally/doing the right thing but also to be cynical – the soft power projection is very important too).

       In addition to the excellent development work being done in several sectors, this agency provides humanitarian assistance and disaster response work (that is where I worked) – many people don’t realize the lifestyle that these colleagues live – they’re sacrificing a lot purely to give back to fellow man. Putting themselves at risk, living in very austere environments, long stretches away from family, working crazy hours – not unlike a military environment but without the military benefits.

    3. I used to work at USAID too, I’m now a social studies teacher. When I was interviewing for my current job, I did my mock lesson on the UN Cluster system. Since then, I’ve kept a week to discuss the duties and roles of different government agencies and jobs and have always given USAID it’s own day because I think it is so important (and not very well known). Students are always fascinated about it. I’m heartbroken.

       1. It is important – keep up the good work. I think, in general, our education on civics/government is poor. I’ll never forget the post a few weeks ago by a federal worker whose Trump-supporting colleagues didn’t realize they worked for the executive branch and would be subject to layoff/firing.

    4. I’m so sorry. You deserve better and I’ll never stop believing that.

    5. The goal is to divert funds to Musk and his companies.

       Anyone the cuts at the National Park Service are equal to what it cost to send DT to the Superbowl and the Daytona 500.

       Schemes like ’email what you did last week’ are designed to distract. Musk has decimated every federal agency that tried to apply the same safety standards to his companies as to other companies.

       1. This. The cuts have two prongs 1) to get “revenge” on agencies whose policy goals don’t match Trumps and 2) to “break” certain public facing government functions (Nat’l Parks, Medicare) so that private interests can point to government dysfunction and the public will be grateful when those roles are privatized. Guess who will hold those contracts….

    6. So very sorry.

    7. I’m so sorry. This is all so chaotic and cruel to people who are just normal folks making normal salaries trying to live their lives. I’m a fed in a more mundane position and you have my sympathy and solidarity.

    8. I’m so sorry. You have my respect and gratitude for all the work you have done, and I pray you will be able to continue your work when we collectively wake up from this national nightmare.

11. I am tr@nsitioning careers into teaching and am taking classes towards my certificate. From what I’ve seen so far, schools are wildly different than they were when and where I grew up. I am going to teach social studies. It seems like in my area essays are not very common anymore? Neither are research papers, presentations in front of the class, or other writing projects.

    For those of you with middle school or high school kids, how often are they doing writing projects, presentations, and papers?

    1. My middle schooler is in a private school and is doing either a written assignment (whether that’s an essay or a creative writing assignment) or a presentation at least every other week, usually weekly. These are a mix of types of assignments, lengths, and subjects (usually English or history but they also write lab reports in science).

       Larger research papers (10+ pages) are 1-2x a year, plus a longer English paper (maybe 7ish pages) each trimester.

    2. One thing I find upsetting is that in some schools students’ can’t be trusted to do HW, so they spend class time reading the textbook out loud and maybe answering a fill in the blank worksheet.

       Reading is for HW, class time is for lectures (which get deeper into the weeds than the textbook, explore themes, provide context) and or activities and discussions where you APPLY what you’ve learned.

    3. My sophomore in HS does a LOT of classwork. The teachers explained to us that that way, they can monitor students and make sure they’re not cheating with AI and also the kids are often in groups in class, which helps because our school district is large and kids might not live near each other in order to do projects together. Also they’ve mentioned every year since fall 2021 that they know kids don’t do homework so they do a lot in class.

       Sorry

       1. They say the kids don’t do homework, but I suspect that a big reason for the classwork is to prevent the teachers from having to lecture or lead class discussions.

    4. My 7th grader is reading a book and writing an essay on it every 1-2 weeks for English and has to do a short research and presentation project for history or religion every week. His English teacher sometimes has them develop ideas for their essays in class as part of their discussion, otherwise all reading, writing, and research are assigned as homework.

    5. Public high school, 10-20 projects/papers/presentations per semester. Homework load is reasonable, about 2 hours / day, 80 minutes of that in a study hall.

       Public middle school, at least 2 projects/presentations per class per semester and one report total per semester. Homework is minimal and the kids are given time to work on their projects in class.

       Middle school is not leveled (except for accelerated options in math and foreign language) and high school is. Having a kid in honors classes in high school is a bit of a shock to the system and it would be better to have more accelerated classes in middle school to prepare.

    6. My child is about to start middle school, and I’m hoping he’ll get tons of writing projects, presentations, and papers in social studies.

    7. My daughter graduated from public high school with an IB diploma and several AP courses last year. In her “honors” freshman and sophomore year courses, there were no essays, readings, or presentations, just group projects that involved filming skits on their phones during class time. There were essays, research papers, and presentations in IB and AP courses.

12. maybe a fun question today – what emoji, avatar, gif, or other digital “expression” annoys you most? for me it is hands down the facebook avatar with the lady and the megaphone joyfully screaming (because it is usually accompanied by an idiotic question in my gardening FB groups)

    1. Similarly, I dislike the “aww cute” avatar – the person is clutching their hands with hearts floating about. I’m in a lot of dog rescue/rehome/breed groups and these inane posts clutter up threads. Why does anyone need to see your (and dozens of others’) dang avatar expressing the entirely unhelpful and obvious opinion that this dog is cute.

    2. The only fb group I’m a member of does not allow the colored backgrounds, giant emojis & avatars, etc. in posts, and I am very happy about it.

    3. Oh that drives me crazy, the megaphone one.

       I actually have never used an avatar. They remind me of my old company where we had draconian limits on mailbox sizes and occasionally you’d get an email from someone who decided their default was a colored background with embedded art under their signature line, and it would be so large you’d get locked out of email until you could delete it.

       Inevitably it was this one assistant e-yelling in ALL CAPS about people who left their spoons in the sink in the break room, with the threat that “if you do not get a good performance appraisal this year, now you know why” (actual quote) followed by an auto sig with a quote about Jesus and rainbow and kitten art.

    4. I don’t use fb/meta products, but this emoji 🤡 always spikes my cortisol. It’s almost always some troll using it, or someone saying mean things about a celebrity… and it conveys that weird, dismissive, “Hope this helps! 💋🫶” supercilious youth rage energy that I just cannot engage with.

       Clearly I could write novels on this topic. That said, my favorite emoji is this lil guy: 🫠

    5. My reply didn’t go through the first time — maybe it’ll post eventually, but long story short, 🤡 = cortisol spike, but I love this lil guy 🫠

13. Who does Anthropologie think we are? Laura Ingalls Wilder? What in the cottagecore is this?

    https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/celiab-tabi-short-sleeve-v-neck-midi-dress?category=dresses-midi&color=038&type=STANDARD&quantity=1

    https://www.anthropologie.com/shop/damson-madder-lois-double-collar-blouse3?category=SEARCHRESULTS&color=049&searchparams=q=collar&type=STANDARD&quantity=1

    1. $125 for that top! Ma would be horrified. She could make that for a few cents using scraps from the rag bag and her newfangled sewing machine with the pedal.

       1. Meep. I wish sewing was a respected skill.

          1. I very much respect the skill!

          2. Huh? How is it not?

    2. The sleeves on that top would be so annoying I’d be thinking about cutting them off. While wearing.

    3. What designer stole my mixed-gingham Easter dress from first grade??

14. Shop for me? An impossible list of requirements for a formal dress:

    No black, navy, beige or icy pastels
    No crewneck neckline – any kind of open neckline is ok
    Midi or floor length
    No chiffon
    Must be able to wear a regular bra
    Short sleeve or sleeveless
    Defined waist

    I’m mid 40s, going to my last event of an event I’ve been going to for 25 years. I want to look good, but it’s a room full of regular people in black tie optional attire, so I don’t feel any pressure about what others are wearing. I have olive skin (that looks ill in icy pastels), dark hair, and a hourglass figure with more extra padding top and bottom than I’d like.

    Thank you to anyone who takes this on!

    1. Something like this? https://macduggal.com/products/27341?variant=42611302695091&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=22231548385&nbt=nb%3Aadwords%3Ax%3A22231548385%3A%3A&nb_adtype=pla&nb_kwd=&nb_ti=&nb_mi=436301499&nb_pc=online&nb_pi=42611302695091&nb_ppi=&nb_placement=&nb_li_ms=&nb_lp_ms=&nb_fii=&nb_ap=&nb_mt=&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiAzvC9BhADEiwAEhtlN_9xgQsp7jtT2BwKG6ApegDcgZytiKUGLYce711vcLWDWZ7sd3CxBRoCPAcQAvD_BwE

       1. This is beautiful!

       2. Oh WOW that’s lovely!

    2. Any of the silk dresses from Sue Sartor?

    3. My attempt:
       The Azazie ones are technically bridesmaids dresses, but that gives you tons of color options
       https://www.azazie.com/products/azazie-soren-dusty-sage-a-line-pleated-stretch-satin-floor-length-bridesmaid-dress/242164
       https://www.azazie.com/products/azazie-nico-rust-a-line-v-neck-stretch-satin-floor-length-bridesmaid-dress/206341
       https://www.azazie.com/products/azazie-micayla-scarlet-a-line-corset-luxe-knit-floor-length-bridesmaid-dress/222182
       https://www.macys.com/shop/product/betsy-adam-womens-waterfall-ruffle-gathered-waist-gown?ID=19768448&isDlp=true
       https://www.bloomingdales.com/shop/product/aqua-ruched-mesh-dress-exclusive?ID=5411493&CategoryID=1005210

    4. I found a few options, links in m0d– check back!

    5. I am obsessed with this dress and I think it meets your criteria. I wanted to wear it for an event last month but my regular size was not available and I couldn’t squeeze into the smaller one they sent.

       https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/black_halo/bernice_gown

       1. Wow, I love this dress. Thanks for sharing. It is so interesting.

          I’m not the OP. Unfortunately, I am pear shaped – very small on top (so I love the interest of the neckline/top intricacies), but my butt is quite round. Am I out of luck?

          1. I don’t think you’re out of luck. It has some stretch but the fabric is thick. Try it!

    6. I really like Tadashi Shoji dresses. They are sophisticated, not MOB.

15. Looking for fun NYC activity ideas! My mom is visiting this weekend to help with my baby while my husband is out of town. Saturday night I’m getting a babysitter and want to treat her to a fun night out. We’ve done Broadway a fair amount and would like to do something beyond just dinner out—any suggestions? Has to be in the evening.

    1. what are you guys into? live music? art? fancy desserts and coffee? drinks? that would help narrow it down…

    2. Life and Trust – the new interactive theatre production from the people behind Sleep No More. Or going to see standup comedy somewhere!

       1. Going this weekend and so excited!

       2. I wouldn’t do this with my mom – maybe your mom is different. But Sleep No More was dark, disturbing, unstructured, etc. and my mom would have hated it. My husband and I felt like we were being punk’d. My 20-something kids loved it, though!

          1. My mom would like to see Les Mis again. And again. And again.

    3. Depending on your budget — I would happily take my mom to Speakeasy Magick. I went a year ago, and it blew me away.

16. What a beautiful sweater for spring! I have a couple of similarly shaped sweaters from my mom, so sometime in the 90s, but with crew necks instead of funnel. I can see wearing it with a skirt and boots for a “nice casual” look. Alas it is too pricey for me!

17. How strenuously should I press my 80 year old mother to get a second opinion? About a year ago, her doctor put her on blood pressure meds. Her bp was 120/80 at the time. Doctor says her bp should be under 100/60. No comorbidities, unless mom is keeping something from me.

    I told mom this seems odd to me. 120/80 is within the range of normal, so idk why her doctor would put her on expensive meds at that point, but even if there was sufficient reason to watch it, I can’t imagine it’s healthy to be under 100/60. Mom’s father had heart problems (multiple bypasses) and LOW bp his whole life, so I’m especially concerned about artificially depressing mom’s bp with our family history. Mom insists that the science on bp has changed and doctors want everyone under 100/70 now, but I can’t find any sources to that effect. I’ve asked her to get a second opinion but she hand waves it away because her doctor is convenient to her and another doctor wouldn’t be. How concerned should I be here?

    1. Aiming to be under 100/60 sounds off (90/60 is hypotension!). But yeah, there’s a lot of research that 120/70 is a better range to aim for than 120/80.

    2. If she has told you this anecdotally, the first thing I would do is check her medical records or go with her to an appointment to find out if these numbers are accurate.

       1. Agree. In my personal life and my professional one I run into a lot of patient accounts that don’t match the records.

       2. Agree– especially with blood pressure numbers. If her blood pressure has been rising over time, it could be that the doctor is more concerned with that trend than the particular number. It’s also possible that the 120/80 measurement was on a second or third reading at the doctor’s office and that her BP was actually elevated on the first reads.

    3. I have to take cardiac drugs for arrhythmia that lower my blood pressure as a (unwanted) side effect. If I hit 100/60 or lower, I’m dizzy and have a hard time climbing the stairs. I’d be very worried about an 80 year old at home dealing with that. Pursue with a doctor for sure!

    4. This sounds really odd. Is this her primary care doctor? Have they known her for years? Has her blood pressure been going up slowly over time?

       It is true we are learning that lower is better than the previous recommended blood pressure goals. BUT, the older you are, the less compliant your blood vessels are. They start to get stiffer with a build up of a lifetime of healthy/unhealthy living + genetics and atherosclerosis lines the vessel walls. So actually, many (most?) old people need a slightly higher blood pressure to push blood through that old pipe, up to the brain, or they are at risk of too low blood pressure. Too low blood pressure can make you lightheaded/dizzy and increase your risk of falls. It can also make you tired, less sharp with your thinking and more.

       So trying to push an 80 year old woman below 100/60 is not standard of care. That is probably the borderline that he absolutely does not want her to go below. Maybe she is misremembering what the doctor said.

       And blood pressure medicines are dirt cheap. Generic. Baby dose. Usually an ace-inhibitor like lisinopril. Costs like $20 for a year supply from Costco. If she was just started on some expensive med, that alone would make me worried about what this doctor was doing.

       Does she have a follow-up appointment? When? She should have one of those home blood pressure machines, and check it twice a day. She should write down her numbers, and bring to her appointment. She should be watching for signs of low pressure – especially lightheadedness when she gets out of bed in the morning, or at night to pee (a common time to fall…), or even when she goes from sitting to standing. Ask her about fatigue/easy tiredness, weakness, feeling less sharp cognitively.

    5. My 90 YO grandmother’s PCP wants her closer to 110/70 and has for the last decade. But as a PP mentioned, grandma insists she feels better closer to 120/80.

18. Going to Oakland for 6 days of work and have one 24 hour period, afternoon to afternoon, during which I can pop over to San Francisco. Where do I stay? Can I uber over the bridge and not rent a car? Is ubering cost prohibtive? What else should I see? Thanks for all suggestions!

    1. I absolutely wouldn’t rent a car. I’d plan on public transit and just Uber if there are particular parts of the trip that look inconvenient according to transit mappers or if you’re going to be out late.

    2. If the weather is nice, you can take the ferry.

19. Makeup help needed.

    I feel like my eyelids are dry and cakey looking when I wear eyeshadow. I use a primer (Ulta matte eyeshadow primer) but it still looks off.

    Any suggestions for a moisturizing eye base? Cream eyeshadows? I used a Laura Mercier eyeshadow stick this morning and I just feel like they don’t blend well. But maybe that’s because my lid is too dry?

    1. Vitamin Enriched Face Base from Bobbi Brown is not specifically for the eyelids but I use it there and everywhere else. It works well for my middle-aged skin.

    2. I’d skip the primer. You don’t need it unless your eyelids tend to get oily. Sounds like yours are dry already, so it’s doing the opposite.

       Laura Mercier and Bobbi Brown eye shadow sticks are the best. They’re long wearing so you have to blend right after you apply. Maybe you’re letting them sit too long before you hit it with a brush. Do one eye at a time and see if that works better.

       I usually just use one color on my lid (golden pink or golden bronze in the Bobbi Brown) but if I want a full eyeshadow look, I just use a little bronzer in the outer crease using a tapered brush. Or I use a matte eye shadow stick on just the moveable part of the eyelid and place a bit of shimmery eye shadow just in the center of my eyelid using my finger.

20. I love this so much! the banana cotton one is close enough I might have to pull the trigger. I wish I wanted to spend 350 on a sweater

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