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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m really loving the color of this “raspberry tart” blouse from Old Navy. This deep pink is (almost) universally flattering and the embroidery and ruffle trim bring a little something extra to the party.
It’s not always easy to find 100% cotton tops that fit the Frugal Friday price range, but Old Navy seems to have several this season. If you’re trying to stick to natural materials on a budget, I would also take look at this bottle green long-sleeved blouse or this slub-knit henley. All would go nicely under a sweater blazer for a cozy business casual outfit.
The blouse is $44.99 full price at Old Navy — with 35% off at checkout — and comes in regular sizes XS–4X and tall sizes XS–XXL. It also comes in white.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
anon
Help me troubleshoot something – my 5 year old has periods where he gets flashing hives at night. This has happened on and off for the last year. We just moved into a new house last week and he has been getting hives every night. His doctor said that this isnt of concern and any number of things could be the trigger, she recommends giving him zyrtec every night when he gets them. The windows in his new room do not have any window coverings yet, so no dust. We havent changed any soaps/detergents. It seems like its something in the house (our old house and new house) because going outside seems to clear them up. He rarely gets them during the day or at school. Any ideas?
Pep
Is there something that he’s eating or drinking in the evening? I know chamomile makes me break out (not that your son is drinking chamomile tea).
MagicUnicorn
Could it be dust or pollen built up on indoor things? Maybe in the new home’s carpets, furnace filter, ductwork, ceiling fans, or generally kicked up from items during your move? Perhaps his bedding needs to be deep cleaned, and his mattress vacuumed thoroughly?
Anon
+ 1 – my first thought was bedding/mattress. It’s in both houses, and concentrated at night. Sounds like that’s the place to start.
Anon
I agree with this. I would replace all bedding, including mattress and pillows.
Anonymous
Air purifier?
Do you have carpets in your home? They could have a lot of dust mites. We have all hardwood or laminate including all bedrooms. Use smaller washable rugs.
If you have recently moved and it is just in the evening, it may also be stress related. Can you make his new bedroom as much like his old one as possible? We painted their bedrooms the same colour at the old house.
Anonymous
I am a broken record on this point, but BlueAir filters have greatly improved symptoms for the allergy sufferers in our house.
Anon
I’m always amazed at how much less seriously pediatrics physicians seem to take things vs. the doctors I see as an adult. It’s nice that it isn’t “of concern,” but nobody wants to be dealing with hives all the time, even if it’s not dangerous. As a grown adult with recurring breakouts of hives, I was referred to an immunologist for testing for allergies and mast cell disorders.
It could be the doctor is thinking it’s anxiety, since anxiety can be a trigger for hives. But the pattern of happening at night makes it seem more like it’s keyed to the rhythms of the immune system (vs. if it was e.g., obviously triggered by stage fright every time he went on stage). The stress of moving may not have helped, but practically every real medical condition is worsened by stress, so that doesn’t mean much.
Anon
Kids still have plenty of time to grow out of it or reach their steady-state, whereas us olds are more or less set, at least until menopause, ie, puberty the sequel. For me as a kid it was psoriasis like breakouts on my hands and nosebleeds at night. The former largely stopped in my 20s and only flares when I’m profoundly stressed and the latter hasn’t been an issue since I was 8 or so.
Anon
But why suffer in the meantime? I don’t see doctors primarily because I’m scared and need to be reassured. I’m hoping to get help with symptoms.
And what if they’re just not right about growing out of things? I remember being told I’d probably grow out of certain things. It feels now like they were just kicking the can down the road because it was an option. The treatments I was offered as an adult patient were there all along.
Anon
I don’t think this a fair generalization. Our ped is much better than any PCP I’ve had as an adult. Generalists like peds and internal med doctors are limited in what they can do compared to a specialist. But I don’t find peds worse than their adult counterparts.
anon
OP here – thank you for all of these ideas so far. The new house ( like the old one) is all hard wood or tile flooring, no carpets. We also haven’t laid down any rugs yet. I’ll do a deep clean of his bedding and room and keep his windows open today. Ugh, it’s so hard to figure out and the hives really stress him out.
DeepSouth
Have you had your ducts cleaned? it’s not very expensive and makes a huge difference for this allergy sufferer.
pugsnbourbon
TIL I learned that stress can trigger hives. That explains the massive patches I’d get on my face that abruptly stopped when I got a new job.
Anon
Yes! I had a massive outbreak in June 2020 that lasted several months. Allergist found nothing.
Anonymous
I would look at stress too. Especially if you just moved. The lead-up to that is stressful and it’s stressful being in a new place for a kid.
Anonymous
Is it literally a new house? Or newly painted house? Could be gases from paint or building materials or MDF furniture.
Som plants are known to help with air quality, like spider plants, ferns and Spathiphyllums.
anon
By any chance did this start after he had covid? I know a few people and have seen some evidence that covid is triggering this for months after.
Anonymous
I think it seems more time of day than anything in the house since it’s been two houses.
Anon
Swap out mattress and bedding? Clean his bedroom, air purifier. That’s probably what I’d do.
pugsnbourbon
Could the previous owners have had cats? Maybe get the ducts cleaned – if the heat’s kicking on at night, maybe that’s stirring something up or wafting old dander into his room.
Anon
Our son’s “seasonal allergies” turned out to be a serious allergy to cats. We moved into a house where the owners had had cats and had to replace the carpets and get the air ducts cleaned before his allergies calmed down.
pugsnbourbon
Exactly – when we were house-hunting we found a great place, but we saw five cats during the showing and I was an itchy mess. We’d have had to immediately replace the carpet and deep-clean the ductwork or I would have been miserable.
Anon
I had horrible hives growing up to the point where my hands would swell and my eye was swollen shut at some point. I got sent home from school and had several tests done to figure out the cause. 25 years later I no longer get them but we have no idea what caused it. Bottom line it may be annoying but your son should be ok!
Anon
Maybe give everything a good cleaning – wipe down everything including walls, shampoo carpets, wash bedding, vacuum out air ducts, change furnace filter. Common allergen triggers are dust which it sounds like is not the problem, pet dander (maybe in the vents or carpets?), essential oils and fragrances (did they have air fresheners or use scented cleaning products?), and cockroaches. You might also want to deep clean the dishwasher and washer/dryer. Sometimes scented laundry products can build up or filters or sprayer arms are clogged. You could also maybe try allergy covers for the mattress – maybe something got on it during the move?
Nesprin
An allergen barrier for mattress, a hepa filter in the bedroom, and a deep clean/hot wash for all bedding with the least soap you can manage would be a good starting point.
Anonforthis
Agreed about the allergen barrier, and for his pillows too.
brokentoe
Do you use Tide laundry detergent? I break out in hives when I sleep in sheets washed in Tide. Many years ago when I had a pre-surgery consult and mentioned I was sensitive to Tide, the intake nurse mentioned she hears this all the time, so it appears many people have this sensitivity.
Anonforthis
We are also sensitive to most laundry detergents. For some reason, the Costco store brand works for us. Recommended.
Anonforthis
We also use fragrance free dryer sheets. We avoid scented products, candles, essential oils, and perfumes. All of those cause skin irritations for our sensitive family members,
Anonymous
Is your new house much drier? My kid gets hives at night only, and the allergist suggested Zyrtec, short baths/showers every night; and lotion after bath or shower. Maybe also set up a humidifier if you haven’t already. Good luck!
Anon
My daughter had this for a while. We never really figured out what caused it and it went away on its own. One trigger may have been sulfates in shampoos, but she still had the hives occasionally (though less often) after we eliminated those. In her medical record, they were officially idiopathic hives, which is doctor for “the f if I know”
Anon
Does anyone still have a stick shift car? I grew up driving them and my most recent car isn’t (and my left foot has had a hard time adjusting to unemployment). I’m in the market for another car after someone sideswiped my car (it needed new rotors anyway) and I’m thinking of going back to stick. It looks like current offerings are cloth-seat entry level models or $$$ ones (so that’s a nonstarter). I understand that some cars now have a “creeper” mode for us city drivers in first gear. If you have a stick car and love it, talk to me!
anon
My husband drives a manual tacoma (not city friendly). Before the truck, he drove a honda civic si which was also manual and great for city driving. Not sure if they still make it. His was a 2009. Looks like they still make newer models with them.
One thing I have noticed with his car shopping is a dealer may have 1 on the lot. No one really wants them so they can be hard to find.
Anon
Everything is hard to find now, so it may broaden your options a bit to be open to stick (but not if it is stick mandatory). I was “building” a car at lunch the other day and the closest things “nearby” were 300+ miles away from me. Not a good sign. IDK what is actually on car lots these days — orange cars with weird seat colors that no one wants? Turned-in leased vehicles? Stuff from rental car fleets?
Anon
I liked my rental Kia Forte and it’s available in stick. I’m not planning on buying a new car any time soon, but it would be on my short list if I was. Small (but pretty good use of space), good fuel economy, not full of sensors/infotainment crap to break and stick shift is a winner in my book.
Sunshine
DH is dedicated to standard transmissions. He drives a 2012 VW GTI, but it does have cloth seats. His BFF bought a different VW probably around 2015 that also is a standard and has leather seats and seems fancier. I don’t know the model though.
anon
As an alternative, due to your correctly pointing out that their aren’t that many manuals available, both of our cars have sport shift modes. Doesn’t solve the problem of your bored left foot, but keeps some of the fun aspects of a manual. I’d give them a try.
Mar
I’ve had two VWs in a row that have been sticks. So much fun to drive – they’ve got great pick up and the corner well. Looks like they still have Jettas and Golfs that are sticks. Their “leatherette” seating is vinyl, but it is really nice and holds up well – nothing like the vinyl I remember from my parent’s cars growing up.
Anon
Yaaaaas — my old VW stick was so fun to drive. Also, probably why I can’t text and drive, so a feature and not a bug.
anonshmanon
that’s so interesting – I was thinking that I find automatic cars so much safer because I can focus on more things in traffic with less pedal work and shifting distractions.
AIMS
We had a stick and considering going back because it’s just more fun. Look at European brands – it’s easier to find a manual Fiat or Mini Cooper.
go for it
Kia soul, cloth seats, 6 speed and love it. Zero bells and whistles were available at the time of purchase…. Had to get an aftermarket keyless entry!
Tested a Toyota corolla but stick felt spongy. Tested VW Golf and was underwhelmed. Mini coopers generally conk out at 80K miles so that came off my short list. If I had to replace I’d go with a Kia again because of the 100K warrantee
Downside to stick is that no one really can drive my car these days. Uggh
Anon
This is my perfect car – they can keep all that extra crap that inevitably breaks anyway.
AIMS
But it’s great for deterring car theft!
Formerly Lilly
I don’t have one now, but my last car was and my next car will be. The last car was a VW Jetta GLI Autobahn edition, manual shift with 6 forward speeds. It was a joy to drive. They still make it and I can really recommend. Note that the Jetta and the Jetta GLI are actually different cars, the GLI is wider, lower, and much more oriented to performance. It’s a sports car in disguise, priced in the low 30’s. The back seat holds adults comfortably and the trunk is pretty big.
Anon
Mazda makes some models with a manual transmission and has good options for upgrades.
Aunt Jamesina
I’ve read that manual transmission cars are becoming less common because they’re no longer more efficient than automatic. From what I understand, manual is also going to become less common as more and more cars become electric. My husband is firmly a Car Guy (and has a manual transmission project car), but has switched over to automatic for his daily driver because there are so few available.
Anon
I get that. I feel like I’ve almost been hit as a pedestrian so much by drivers who are busy texting that I’d force everyone who is able-bodied (like if you are an amputee, you can safely drive an automatic car, so it gives you some mobility back) back into stick cars just for the sale of walkers and other cars on the road.
Aunt Jamesina
Oh, I totally get that. I appreciated while living in Europe how the combo of manual + narrow roads meant that you were forced to pay close attention. That and, y’know, living in a society that didn’t prioritize cars over everything else.
Anonymouse
All of my (now 2) cars have been manuals. I just sold my old baseline, 3-door Golf to a friend and “upgraded” to a Toyota Corolla Hatchback. I feel a little silly as the old car was fine, but I had owned it for 11 years and was itching for some updated creature/safety features. The model I got was the top of the line and came in just south of 30k with almost everything I could ever want. I think that the baseline Golf was a better bang for my buck but the auto industry has changed a LOT since 2011 – hello, backup cameras!
Now, what I really want is for Subaru to re-issue the hatch body style of the WRX in a manual…..
Anonymous
I drive a manual and plan to buy a new one in the next 6 months. I actually don’t see that there are many low-end manuals on the market anymore. I have chosen my next car after reading an article that listed every manual transmission new model available for 2023. You should be able to search for that article and then perhaps go drive some. I am a city dweller but I just can’t give up the manual transmission. But the car I plan to buy is not as practical as I would like because of the manual transmission limitation I have put on the purchase
Anon
I really hope you’re treating yourself to an Aston Martin!!!!
anon
I still have a stick shift. To be fair, I bought it in 2004, but I’d be very likely to buy one again. For reference though, I drive a cloth seat entry model type of car and I really love how economical that is.
An.On.
Husband has a ford fiesta st (also I think ford focus st was an alternative) which he loves, and was less than $25k gently used mid-pandemic.
Anon
I gave up stick shifts about a year after I moved to the city (obnoxiously, I am referring to San Francisco.). All those hills – who decided a four way stop on a steep hill was a good idea? – and stop and go traffic made me hate my stick shift, which I had loved before.
Now we are in Berkeley and my husband has a stick shift hobby car – a little sports car convertible. In a pinch, I drove it to a work meeting on the peninsula once, and then swore never to do it again. This particular car has a really tough first gear as, as in it’s hard to find with the stick. Not fun in stop and go traffic, not to mention your ordinary city stoplights. Never again.
Another anon
I have a 2021 manual transmission Subaru Crosstrek! I’m very happy with it, but it is a fairly entry level cloth seat model. I still get compliments on it, though!
Anonymous
WWYD if you painted half your house in a color you don’t like?
Backstory: Husband and I had old beige carpet removed in August and had nice LVP floors installed. The walls had a lot of holes from previous owner but she didn’t leave the paint name, so we did our best to match the color. However, with the new floors and our limited natural light (we are in a condo) it seems even smaller now :( I regret not painting a lighter color . My father in law did most of the painting (something he enjoys doing) however I don’t want to offend him by repainting so soon or being ungrateful. We plan to live here at least 2 more years. WWYD
Sunshine
Repaint! Maybe your father in law would do it again for you if he enjoys it. The problem isn’t how well he did the work. The problem is the color.
Anon
With painting, most of the work is in the prep, so maybe the quick repainting won’t be that much of an additional ask. I don’t think that dads want you to be unhappy.
Vicky Austin
Agree – ask your husband and see what he thinks. In my experience, most people who like painting don’t mind being asked to do it again! You could offer to pay him if you didn’t on round 1.
Anon
Repaint. Just make it clear to him that you don’t like the color you chose and you’re not unhappy with his work.
anon.
Honestly? I’d probably add a lot of lamps and some mirrors and deal with it. Mirrors help a lot – our designer installed them opposite windows to reflect light (if that’s possible for you).
Anon
Can I ask why? The idea of just living with a color I hate when there’s a easy solution makes my skin crawl, but I am a Libra :)
Anon
Repaint no question!
Anonymous
I’d repaint anything you don’t like. However, gently, have you decorated yet? What color are we talking about here? I find when friends and family decorate they put a TON of pressure on the paint and obsess over the exact shade. Then things look “off” because there is no art, appropriate rug, lamps, ect and they think it must be the wrong paint. Paint comes in every single shade imaginable. Couches and throws and art you love do not. Once you have those things then reconsider your paint.
Cb
Yeah its true. We painted our sitting room a pink toned terracotta and the first day, I thought “holy crap, what have we done?!” and then once our sofa, plants etc are in place, I loved it!
Anon
Yes, move in the stuff. If you still hate it, then repaint. Maria Killam can preach on this.
MagicUnicorn
Repaint! But before you ask your dad do it all over again, get a few color sample jars and paint some swatches on various walls yourself to be sure you like the new color in your space.
Aunt Jamesina
100% repaint. Unless it’s a bold color, would he even notice? I helped my SIL paint their living room when they moved in a couple years ago and couldn’t tell you what the color was beyond it being a light color, nor do I think I would notice if it changed. And I’m into paint and décor!
Anonymous
it’s a pretty bold “saige” so noticeable if we go lighter
Senior Attorney
I agree that you should wait to decide unti you have the rooms fully decorated. That said, if you still don’t like it, by all means repaint!!
Anon
Do you like the color, just not the shade? Maybe go up a shade or two in the same family and you can do just one coat (also creating a bit of a unique in-between shade/color)
anon.
Favorite rolling duffel bag for international travel? We are definitely checking bags… visiting family abroad and need space to bring stuff to and from them. Last year we went with our small carry ons and it was really tight. Wirecutter recommends the Dakine but also wanted to check in with this wise group. Thanks!
Cb
I like the EastPak but do find it slightly annoying on cobbles. It’s held up for 10 years of ill treatment though, and is a bit smudged (I got a lighter colour) but in perfect shape.
Anon
We have an Osprey that we love.
Ses
+1
Cora
I had a phone screen yesterday at a company where a grad school classmate works.
At the end of the interview the interviewer asked me if “I had anyone who I would need to talk to before taking the job”
I was confused by the question, and she eventually elaborated to ask if “there was anyone I was responsible for”. Basically, she was asking if I was married and/or has kids.
That’s sketchy right? Red flag? Earlier in the interview she had talked about how this is not a 9-5 job, and you have to be committed to it etc, and it’s a start up.
The grad school classmate works there right now and seems to like it, but this interview felt weird.
Anonymous
Yes this is a red flag. They treat employees differently based on their family status
Vicky Austin
They probably just wanted to know if you would need a few days to consider. That’s weird phrasing for sure. I’d be way more concerned by the start-up not-a-9-5-job talk.
Anon
That’s my read.
Red Flag
I don’t know, it seems weird that they’d be asking about time to consider an offer in a screening interview. And that explanation doesn’t match up with asking if there’s anyone OP is responsible for. I’m team benefit of the doubt normally, but this is a huge red flag to me.
MagicUnicorn
Do you understand the real workload and hours expectations, especially for a start up? It sounds to me like she was trying to tell you they do not respect boundaries between work and home life, while also fishing to see if you would voluntarily disclose anything they shouldn’t really be weighing that could interfere with your availability to be 110% dedicated to the job around the clock.
That type of environment is absolutely not my cup of tea and I would bow out.
Anon
That seems super sketch to me for a variety of reasons. Maybe keep talking to them if you’re otherwise interested but I would trust your gut.
Cat
that is bizarre. If the follow-up had been “oh, I meant if you wanted to meet with more colleagues” I would like the answer. Hinting that you don’t have the brainpower or agency to evaluate an offer on your own is… no good.
tbh the whole start-up “job is life” culture is so not a fit for me I wouldn’t consider it, but that response doesn’t help…
anonshmanon
sounds like an attempt to probe for your family status, which would be illegal to consider in a hiring decision. Orange flag in the least.
Cora
This is what I thought – because when I was confused about the question she said something along the lines of “checking if you have kids”. That, combined with the startup/not a 9-5 talk is what made me concerned.
No!
Waaaaaaait she actually said she was checking if you have kids?!
Cat
yeah this follow-up point would have me running the other direction. In other words, “if you’re a parent, we don’t trust that you’ll truly be available 24-7 for whatever fire drill we decide is going off that day.”
Nope.
Cora
I don’t remember the exact wording but she definitely said the words “have kids” and “anyone who is relying on you”.
Vicky Austin
I rescind my earlier assessment, that is not just weird phrasing.
Senior Attorney
WHAT?? Hells to the no.
Monday
I wouldn’t like this. I’m not sure she was trying to get you to disclose family status info, but it sounds like she wants to be able to say later that you were warned you’d be working crazy hours, and offered the chance to decline if it was going to impact someone you are “responsible for.” As in, don’t tell me later that you need to leave on time to pick up your kids (or similar).
Cora
This seems on the money. I think there is no way they would be okay with leaving early to get your kids.
BeenThatGuy
Weird phrasing but I would have assumed they meant “is your current employer going to counteroffer you when you resign?” That said, if you get weird vibes, listen to your gut.
What
She wanted to know if there’s anyone you are responsible for? That’s a huge red flag IMO.
Anne-on
Oof. I’d take it as a red flag. I did the start up thing back in the early 2000s when I was practically straight out of school and had very few other committments. I ran screaming after 15 months – no formal HR, total frat bro work hard/play hard team (and the ‘play’ was often at work, prior to Me Too, you can imagine what that was like. I have zero tolerance for the Musk ‘extremely hard core’ toxic work environments so unless this is an absolute dream role I’d pass.
Cora
It’s interesting but not a dream role. I think I’ll pass. I want HR and some processes in place.
Now the fun part is telling my classmate who works there why I’m pulling out. Or not telling her why, but telling her something.
No
Tell her exactly why!!!
Anon
+1
“The interviewer obliquely inquired about my family status. That possible violation of the law, combined with her repeated emphasis that this job requires extensive hours, made me realize this isn’t the position for me. Thanks for thinking of me and helping me get the interview.”
Or more indirectly if you prefer, “Reading between the interviewer’s lines, this job doesn’t seem like a good fit for me. Thanks for thinking of me and helping me get this first step.”
I also loathe start-up culture. It’s a bunch of wealthy bros (because it’s always bros) running around “thinking outside the box.” What it really means is that ish is disorganized as eff and you never know what you’re going to be working on on any given day.
Anon
Is it illegal to ask, or is it illegal to base hiring decisions on the information?
(I thought it was perfectly legal to ask but opened up the asker to liability.)
Anne-on
I will never, ever again work for a company without a formal HR in place. Even bad HR is better than HR being handled by the cousin/friend/wife of the director situation.
Anonymous
I worked at a place like that too. Actually I’m remembering when I first started my current gig 11 years ago and I thought “wow. No one here will ever yell at me. And if they did they’d have to apologize” and it was such a great feeling. Big companies have their downside but HR policies can keep the worst behavior in line too.
ALT
Gift help needed for my niece! She’s 6 months old and the second child so they already have all the stuff they need gear-wise as she gets older.
I don’t have children so I am completely stumped here. Obviously she’s not going to know what I get her but I want something fun for her!
boo
In the same situation, I’m doing touch-and-feel books for my second niece, mostly ones published more recently so I know we didn’t buy them the first time around. Also a few toys like rattles/teethers that I know they didn’t save or were too gross to pass down.
MagicUnicorn
Board books and bath toys were favorites for ours at that age. Even with an older child where they likely already have them, those types of things saw such heavy use that shiny new versions for the second kid were always nice.
Anonymous
My friend sent a personalized winter hat with ear flaps that had a fair isle print and my baby’s name across it last year. It was so cute my husband literally squealed when we put it on her. I see some on Etsy. You could do one for each kid and I bet you’ll get a really cute picture back.
Cb
Sophie the Giraffe. They are cute and great for teething babies.
Anon
I sent this to my niece when she was born and it became her lovey. Score!
Anon
There was a big controversy with them being a choking hazard I thought? Also they get really moldy and gross inside! Not a Sophie fan.
Abby
Lovevery toy set? They have them filtered by age
Anon
My babies liked pop-up books. Even if they have some, they usually get destroyed so new ones may be welcome. My 8 month old also loves Matthew Van Fleet books (books like Dog, Moo, or Tails). They have a lot to touch and little tabs to make things move.
Liza
There are lots of websites where you can order a book that is customized with the child’s name, or even the child’s picture. These were really special to me to receive from relatives for my kids – it’s not the type of thing you’d ever order for yourself, but we cherish them. We have this one and love it:
https://www.iseeme.com/en-us/my-farm-friends-personalized-board-book.html?utm_source=ppc_pla&utm_campaign=shopping_personalized_books&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4aacBhCUARIsAI55maE8eVMIlN_xNwjPXxOBszOXTV-h4hFTbHxPyMKmCpZpM3lQ2LlBXUAaAtoMEALw_wcB
Anon
I just received one as a gift for my newborn, I absolutely love it. Favorite gift I’ve gotten so far.
Peloton
Zoo membership!
pugsnbourbon
+1.
Anon
Eh, this is more of a gift to the parents than the child, especially if the child they’re trying to gift to is 6 months old. Kids that age really don’t care about the zoo.
It also may be way more than OP wants to spend (in our LCOL area family zoo memberships start around $200 – very different than buying a touch and feel book or a Sophie the giraffe).
Curious
Anything Little Blue Truck, especially the more recent releases! All the onomatopoeia, all the baby happiness. My daughter has no word for Mom but happily shouts “Dee! Dee!” (beep beep!)
Church Jeans Anon
A quick follow-up after reading all of the comments from yesterday. One of the biggest things holding me back is the one child I still have at home. Child is mid-teens so it would be really hard to just take him with as he is very close to his dad. This is part of the problem because I see him agreeing on so many things with his dad and I don’t want him to do those things in his relationships as an adult. Also, the problem with cash back is what someone specifically said, there is a line on the receipt indicating cash back and he will want to know why as he looks at every receipt.
Any specific feedback or suggestions on these items? Or other suggestions on what I may be missing?
A.
Oh my dear. So much love coming your way. Regarding your child: you have to show them that the way your partner treats you is unacceptable, which means you have to leave. Even if they are close — do you want your kid close to someone who treats the person they love like this?
I know this has to be incredibly hard and painful. This board of internet strangers is here for you.
Vicky Austin
Receipt blew away? Kid needed cash for school/church thing? Receipt printer was malfunctioning/out of tape and there was a big line behind you so you just hurried up and left?
Obviously not all in a row. I don’t have other advice (nor am I even sure these suggestions are very good!) but I’m thinking of you.
Vicky Austin
You dropped the cash in the salvation army bucket outside the grocery store?
Anne-on
I’m so sorry you’re having to navigate this. Are there any things you pay for in cash (or can switch to paying in cash) and ask those folks to invoice you higher amounts so you can squirrel away the difference? I’m thinking haircuts/manicures/lawn services?
Have you spoken with your family yet? I’m not super close with my parents but if I ever told them my husband was tracking me with listening devices(!!) and verbally abusing me and I needed their help to financially afford a divorce they would be 100% in my corner no questions asked.
Anonymous
I would be concerned that the parents would take his side.
Anonymous
Why? This is all so extreme. No reasonable person would want this for their daughter. The way everyone is acting it seems like we’re assuming she’s in a very insular extreme religious community but she’s saying they’re moderate. Is this amount of abuse ok among moderate church going people? I’m not religious but I feel like it can’t be.
Anon
Yes… in many cases, moderate means saying all the right things and even thinking one really believes in sticky things like full equality, but acting in a much more conservative way when it matters. See also, “Girls can do anything boys can do” until girl actually does something usually reserved for boys, or “A woman can be President”.
Walnut
Oftentimes the abuse isn’t so obvious from an outsider’s perspective and it isn’t always easy to explain the gravity of thousands of tiny actions that aggregate to real danger.
A friend left her marriage from someone who appeared to be America’s nicest dude. I remember the day I reached out (it took me longer than it should have) and she laid it all out there. I told her I supported her and apparently I was one of very few people- including her own family – who did.
With time, her own parents started to see and she’s slowly rebuilding relationships, but it has been a long road. My parents heard tons of rumors and I reminded them that none of us knows what its like in someone else’s house/marriage/etc.
OP – I believe you, I support you. I also respect the decisions you make because this isn’t an easy road with nice clean actions/answers that can be tied in a bow.
If you’d like inspiration, my friend has achieved primary custody of her kid, settled into a job that works with her new single mom life (after cycling through a few that didn’t), just bought her house, and – mostly importantly- has a twinkle back in her eye. She laughs with ease, loves her daughter fiercely, and she’s gonna be alright.
Anon
I’ve been amazed witnessing mothers take their sons-in-law sides at time. Often nothing to do with religion! Probably still patriarchy but religion doesn’t have a monopoly on that.
Anon
My parents took my abusive ex-boyfriend’s side. They don’t actually have a problem with abuse so long as I am the target. Coming from that home, it has been a lot of work to find a healthy relationship.
Anonymous
Throw out the receipt. Whoops sorry guess I lost it. Let him be mad. The whole reason you’re leaving is because he’s like this. Let his anger strengthen your resolve.
Anon
Cash back only works with debit and can you not crumple the receipt and shove it in your pocket and then not find it (like ever)? If dude gets 90% of receipts, all charged, and not the one with cash back, is he really devoting himself enough to family bookkeeping to quickly find it?
For generations in my family, the women are the bookkeepers and the dudes are lucky we are all honest b/c a crook would have robbed them blink in a week with their level of interest / oversight / involvement.
Also, can you not take a check to the bank and just cash it from your checking account or make a counter withdrawal from savings?
Anne-on
Same in my family – my mom did the invoicing/books when my dad had his own business, her mom ran the family finances, etc.
I agree with the other suggestion to think about pawning some jewelry/replacing it with dupes – Christina Ricci recently talked about having to sell purses/jewelry when she divorced her abusive husband. There are good reasons lots of women have been taught to request/buy jewelry or luxury goods for gift giving occasions – easy to transport, and easy to turn into money if needed. There are many, many stories in the jewish community of women who financed/bribed their way out of countries with jewelry/furs/silver.
Anon
Straight up, my great-grandmother told my grandmother that it’s important to get jewelry from suitors/husbands so you can have something to sell later on, if they leave. My great-grandmother had been abandoned, flat broke, in a strange town by her first husband (before she met my great-grandfather, and had my grandma and my great-uncle) and the only way she was able to get back home to her family was that she had jewelry to pawn so she could buy a train ticket back to her hometown. My other grandmother gave me two troy-ounce silver coins and a gold Krugerrand when I got married and told me “keep these tucked away in a safe place; you never know when you’ll need them.” She had also bought me savings bonds every birthday, which I cashed when I went to college.
OP, I am just wondering if there is anyone in your life who might be willing to help you with your efforts to leave – could they take jewelry or valuables someplace to sell; could they lend you money; could they help you stash cash in their house until you have enough to leave? If I were casual friends with you and you confided in me that you were going through this, I would try to help you in whatever way I possibly could.
Anonymous
Hmm my grandmother always told me the opposite. She said don’t let your husband buy you jewelry or fur …lol fur…when you can get stocks and real estate. Her husband died very young but she’s lived very well off of those investments for four decades. It’s just occurring to me now that her plan only works if you do t need to leave your husband on the middle of the night.
TrixieRuby
Ms. Church Jeans, I think of you every day now. Your son loves you too, and will be ok in the long run if he leaves with you. Just trust this, and know you need time and space to talk to him about relationships. I think you will have to do a mix of things to create a cash fund for yourself. Lose receipts sometimes, sell some items, maybe, ask family to help. Is there a domestic violence shelter near you? They can give you guidance even if you do not move in with them.
Anonymous
– go to the library and google domestic abuse hotline
– follow the instructions they will give to safely contact them
– speak to a lawyer
No Face
I agree with this 1000%.
There are are organizations that deal with this all day, everyday. Go to the library and research. Ask the librarian if you can use the library’s phone to call the hotline. Call local organizations too. Check out some bible devotionals and cookbooks for a reason to be there if your husbands asks why.
I’m glad that are getting support here, but strategizing about getting little bits of cash here and there is not the main focus. And please remember to wipe this website from your phone’s history before you close it out!!!!
Also about your son. When my mom left, she had to live in a women’s shelter for a bit and I didn’t see her. She got a crappy job, an apartment. She finally accepted that she needed to go to court, and she also got child support and primary custody. Fast forward, we are incredibly close and neither one of us has seen or spoken to my dad in years! I also look up to her for showing me courage, strength, and resilience.
Thinking about you and rooting for you.
Anan
Thanks for sharing this about your mom. She seems like such a brave person and I’m glad she showed you that no one has to stay in an abusive relationship.
Bette
I can tell by your posts that you are strong, smart, and an amazing mother – you can do this. I wonder if maybe you could buy some small things on each shopping trip and then return them for cash? Or maybe sell some items he wouldn’t notice missing to consignment shops that pay cash? Maybe even buy some knockoffs of jewelry and then pawn the real things? When my brother was a college student he used to sell his plasma for some extra cash. Also think about securing important paperwork (birth certificate, passport, etc) away from your spouse.
Anne-on
I’d also think about making copies of special photos/moving any super sentimental items to storage – I don’t know if it was here or elsewhere but I recall a poster saying how their ex burned(!!) photo albums and hid/sold items from a deceased parent when they were divorcing.
Anonymous
wow. wow. great advice.
Anon
You also mentioned you have one kid at home. Is there another and are you close? In general it’s not great to put kids in the middle of this stuff, but if your older one is grown, out of the house and trustworthy, they may well have your back more than you know. Could you “give them a few bucks” from time to time and keep it in your F-U fund? I left home really, really young because of this sort of BS and when my mom finally left (tossed his butt out is more like it), you better believe I had her back.
Anon
I would not be surprised if, in your household, agreeing with dad is a survival strategy that helps ward off the same level of surveillance and control. So I can easily imagine why your son would want to stay on your dad’s good side. I think it can be hard to tell in situations like this how deeply held these kinds of beliefs really are and if they’ll persist outside of the context where they serve a purpose (sometimes even for the person with the beliefs). I know that my views and especially religious views were more demanding and inflexible when I was a teenager because it was a source of stability: church was a source of other adults in the world whose influence made my parents more predictable and reliable. When I moved out, my whole relationship to religion changed for the better because no one had power over me in that way.
So you might want to think about what it might mean for your son to have another space where he doesn’t feel pressured to agree with his dad. There are also the lessons he is learning right now about what women will go along with to think about. It really doesn’t sound as though he’s learning not to do these things in future relationships under the present circumstances.
Vicky Austin
Big +1. Your son may feel as alone and scared as you do with no idea that you know this treatment from dad is wrong.
Anon
Do you work? If so, have your paycheck rerouted to an account you set up and leave the day it hits.
Can you call a DV hotline?
If he “only” verbally and emotionally abuses you, what’s wrong with pulling thousands out of the bank account, getting your own account, and pulling a UHaul up to your house?
What area are you in? Some lawyers may be willing to speak with you without a retainer; a judge would order your husband to pay your attorney’s fees as well as his own.
Your son is his own problem. Your husband’s beliefs are intoxicating to men but they are wrong. You demonstrate this by leaving. (I live in an area with some backwards beliefs about women, and I told DH that the moment our son utters one word in alignment with those beliefs, I am moving with Kiddo to a real city, and DH is welcome to come along.) I don’t mean to sound callous – you just have to understand that you can’t sacrifice yourself for your son. He won’t see it that way – he will see it as validation of these backwards beliefs.
I would probably have a talk with him and say something along the lines of “It is important to love your dad. He is a good father to you. But he is a horrible husband to me. God does not say that it is okay to piss on half of His creation. Your dad believes otherwise. The way he treats me makes a mockery of marriage. I pray that you do not grow up to treat your own wife this way.”
Anonymous
Right. This is what we teach our children when we justify and put up with this stuff. I get that you’re the victim here but you also help perpetuate the cycle by not leaving.
Anonymous
cue whoopi goldberg: girl, you in danger.
it is the holiday season – can you lie and say you’re buying gift cards for family or strangers when you’re keeping the bulk of the money for yourself? tipping people with cash like your hairdresser etc? volunteer to lead a money-intensive project that you might normally do (santa breakfast, whatever) and then when people reimburse you just keep the cash? depending on your skillset you could also pick up extra work and pocket the cash quietly – if you’re good with excel, design programs, or social media stuff you might be able to get some quick gigs off places like Fiverr.
at a private computer (library?) look up women’s shelters and lawyers in your area – they can advise you how best to proceed in your community, how much $ you’ll need and for what length of time. where to stay. the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 800-799-7233 — just because he isn’t hitting you doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. you might even be able to reserve a room at the library to make the call if you can’t do it at work.
Anon
Receipt ink usually dissolves in alcohol. You could wipe away parts of it with hand sanitizer.
Abby
I’m sending you so much love and praying for you. Do you have friends in real life that know about your situation? If you are able to online shop, you could set up Rakuten and have the funds you earn go into a separate account only in your name. It’s not much, but can be a start. With it being the holidays, I recently got a Visa gift card to donate for kid Christmas presents. Would that work to tell your husband you want to contribute to but in reality the gift card is for you to use?
Anon
Open a bank account in your name only. See if you can borrow from a 401k (if he doesn’t have access to view the account or doesn’t check it often) and have funds deposited there. Or see if you can get a personal loan without collateral. I get ads for this from Sofi sometimes. Use your work computer if you have one to apply. I am hoping he doesn’t have one of those credit alerts on you. See if a friend or coworker outside the church will lend you money. I am so sorry you are going through this but leaving is the right answer.
anon
I haven’t left my husband yet, but when we were going through a really hard time (not abuse, but serious fights and fundamental disagreements) I opened an account with Ally in just a couple minutes and started having a small amount of my paycheck deposited. If my husband asked, my plan was to say I adjusted my tax withholdings or started a retirement account through work. He hasn’t asked and things have gotten better.
Anonymous
I love that you did this for yourself and I think your planned response sounds great. I’m also glad things got better!
Anon
This is really smart and I wish I had thought to do this before I divorced! My divorce ended up being amicable but I didn’t know that ahead of time and was very scared.
Peloton
Contact your local DV shelter. They will help you formulate a plan to get out safely and quickly. If your spouse is reviewing all of your receipts, you are in a situation where a DV shelter will help.
You are not helping your child learn about healthy adult relationships by staying in this one. Your child may temporarily choose his dad; he’s a teenager. But he is only a few short years away from adulthood and the self-reflection and analysis that comes with that.
Anon
Not sure I agree with advice to lie about losing receipts – if he found out about the lie, things could escalate. With the level of surveillance you’ve described – checks receipts, listening devices, etc. – I think you just need to just pick a date and go. Are you in charge of any school pick-ups with your son? Pick him up, take away his phone, and head to a shelter.
Before then:
– talk to a lawyer
– get a p.o. box
– get yourself a credit card in only your name (with address of p.o. box)
– get a new e-mail address, he may already be checking the one you have
– change direct deposit at work
– save a PDF of current joint bank accounts’ value so if he tries to wipe them out after you leave you have a record of where they were before.
So much luck, Church Jeans. We’re all rooting for you.
anon
Oh church jeans. I am so, so sorry that you are in this situation. It sounds like a nightmare and I feel you deserve so much better. You’ve got a lot of good suggestions so far, just know that even one more person is thinking of you and wishing you the best.
Church Jeans Anon
Thank you so much. These suggestions and your support is so helpful. I do have a few friends I can talk with, but none that I feel can really help me with these kinds of details. I have talked with an attorney a couple of times so I have an idea of what my rights are and what to expect of the process. I think my parents will be supportive and would probably lend $ if asked. Just trying to get myself to a position of action. I am on a safe computer, but thanks to all worrying about that also. I know he checks my internet usage as he will often mentioned things I have looked at online so I know not to do anything there.
Anon
I think you’ll find that a good friend will be more willing to help than you think, especially if they’re not in your church. It could be they have already noticed his behaviour and have been biting their tongue. Try it out with “I was wondering what you think of this… and can you help me in some way.”
Coach Laura
Given all this, I think leaving all at once is preferrable to trying to squirrel away $20 here and $50 there. It might make it worse between now and when you actually leave. Fly under the radar for now.
I especially agree with the suggestion to have your paycheck sent to a new checking account and leave that day, with your son, to a prearranged shelter, friend’s or family member’s house. Use a friend’s address for the checking account mailing address or your work address. You might use a different bank, given that he knows your SS number, mother’s maiden name etc. Maybe the credit union attached to your employer/industry? At least set up a password on your account that he can’t guess.
Given his level of surveillance, I think opening a credit card could be risky (might show on a credit report or he may have a trigger on inquiries on a credit report) and getting a card in the mail is also problematic. Setting up a POBox is hard, takes cash. So on that day when your check goes to the new checking account, you leave. If payday is a Friday, then leave Friday. This is important if he monitors direct deposits to your checking account: I have this notification set up for my checking and if your check doesn’t show up when expected, that might clue him in. And if your lawyer agrees, take 1/2 of the cash in your joint checking/savings account out after picking up your son from school.
Good luck and I hope you make it out easily and safely with your son.
Anon
For all the people saying how to hide the receipt – my bank debits explicitly state “cash back” on my account when I get cash back. It will say “Wegmans with $20 cash back.” I bank at a large national bank and I also work in banking. Church Jeans, you need your own bank account.
Anon
I don’t mean this to sound callous: what is the point of squirreling away a few hundred dollars? Assuming you have at least some extra money in the bank account, just take it out the day you leave. File up the gas tank, hit the ATM (or the window at the branch office), get yourself a nice heaping stack of cash, throw the suitcase in the car, and leave.
Anon
I think it serves a few purposes. Practically, there are many things you might need right at first when running away from home. There might not be the time and ability to stop at a gas station and ATM, and ATMs will have daily limits on how much you can take out. So even if you’re able to stop at one, you will have even more of a cushion. Also, you often need at least a bit of money to start a bank account. You need a bank account in your own name, so squirreling away bits at a time can be the seed money for that.
Beyond these practical concerns, being able to do this might inspire some confidence or a feeling of freedom within the situation, like the person is taking concrete actions to leave which can build up to the courage and ability to do so.
anon
thinking of you.
Anon
Please call a DV hotline. If you’re not ready for that, please continue to seek counseling for yourself.
NW Islander
Hi. I just want to thank you for sharing your story. You can get away from this guy and one day life will be so much better.
I know because I left my husband in my 20s due to similar circumstances. He wasn’t planting listening devices, but he was hacking my email accounts and engaging in controlling and manipulative behavior. To be honest, I probably would have stayed if he hadn’t credibly thr eat en ed my life. That was the last night I spend under the same roof as him. I didn’t tell anybody what was going on because I was so embarrassed.
I am still single and bummed about it but at least I’m safe and that stuff is behind me. It will be behind you too one day. It will be worth it.
Ginger
Not sure if I saw this in any of the earlier replies but get a credit card in your name only.
Anonymous
Question as the holiday season looms: how offensive is it to ask people to take a Covid test the day of?
(My aunt’s boyfriend recently refused and I’m wondering who is the AH here. Dinner guests would include four 70-year-olds, including the refuser, and did not include significant travel.)
Test2Dine
You’re not the AH. If you’re hosting or even part of planning the event, you can say that people’s attendance is dependent on a negative covid test that day. It’s a valid request!
Cat
not offensive to ask, but you also can’t get offended if someone says no and doesn’t attend.
Anon
Make it clear: no test, no come
MagicUnicorn
It is not at all offensive and your aunt’s BF is definitely that AH. I consider the refusal to take a test akin to them coming in from spreading compost in the garden but refusing to wash hands before helping you prep food in the kitchen.
anon
That analogy makes very little sense. With the compost example you KNOW they have touched dirt and bacteria. Then they touch food- a clear vector. (Much more so than sitting next to someone). And hand washing is a proven way to mitigate the risk, unlike a Covid test which as others have mentioned, is often inaccurate.
MagicUnicorn
You know you are free to come up with and share an analogy you like better, yes?
Anonymous
As long as you tell people ahead of time you’re fine. If they don’t want to test then they don’t have to come. Especially with all the asymptomatic cases I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask everyone to test.
Anon
Home COVID tests are not good at detecting asymptomatic COVID. Recent data showed sensitivity between 30-70%.
Anon
I tested – like 5 times WHILE HAVING SYMPTOMS before testing +. But I was having symptoms and had a household member be +, so that is also important info.
Anonymous
I don’t understand your point. So it’s better to do nothing? Or forever isolate from everyone you know? That’s like saying, don’t wear a seatbelt because you might die in a car accident anyway, or if you don’t want to die in a car accident then never get in a car. If people want to gather and they want some protection then testing is better than not testing, even understanding that the tests are imperfect.
Anon
The point is many people don’t understand that they tests are very imperfect. A negative test basically means nothing. A positive tests means you likely have COVID. So testing provides some benefits, but it is over estimated. Good testing programs are very, very hard to implement.
Anon
A negative test doesn’t mean nothing. It means you’re unlikely to be infectious at that moment. Can you be infectious 24 hours or even 12 hours later? Yes. But if you’re taking the test right before gathering in a group, it has value. Even if you have Covid, if you’re testing negative on a rapid antigen test your viral load is low enough that you’re unlikely to infect others. There are numerous studies that support this and it was also my anecdotal experience when we didn’t get Covid from my husband who tested negative on Monday night and positive Tuesday morning even though we had dinner with him Monday night.
Anon 2.0
I don’t think its offensive and you can certainly have any rules you want in your own home. In my circle, it would probably raise some eyebrows just because that is a level of caution we aren’t taking anymore. But ultimately if you want people to test, you have every right to require they do so before coming to your home.
anon
Gotta be honest I probably wouldn’t come and I’d make up an excuse as to why. I just think it’s kind of overkill at this point. And largely useless- they could test negative the day of and positive the next, and spread it at the dinner. There has always been a risk of spreading illness at family gatherings, especially during the winter months.
Nyc
Same
COVID tests
Really….? Even with all of the elderly high risk folks there, an the inevitable spike in COVID by the time Xmas rolls around, (and honestly, bad Flu too)? Taking a simple free test that takes like 2 minutes of active time is so disruptive to your life you’d rather skip Christmas?.
In my area our good hospitals are full already. My father just died – not because of COVID – but because he was admitted to the small local hospital (ambulance brings you to the closest hospital only) and the big hospital with all of his doctors/specialists couldn’t transfer him there because they were full. For weeks. The small hospital was so understaffed a gastroenterologist had to travel from another hospital and didn’t see him for one week. I know this means nothing to most of you, but this is bad news.
More deaths because of COVID.
Anon
I’m so sorry about your father. That’s awful.
Anon
I’m sorry for your loss. There is an extra bitterness for me surrounding these losses that happened in a context of delays and overcrowding. There are far too many of them.
COVID tests
Thank you both for your kindness.
thanksgiving anxiety
Same. I know people like this and just don’t really see them much anymore. My friend group that is not cautious at all got COVID in the early days and have been living normal lives ever since. The covid-cautious side eventually all got COVID too but were just more annoying the whole time.
Anon
the elderly too? You’re talking about the grandparents?
Anon
Wow you sound like a callous ass.
Anonymous
with all the 40-something people dying unexpectedly from things we KNOW covid causes (blood clots, atherosclerosis, etc) i hope that DGAF attitude works out for you.
thanksgiving anxiety
I came to terms with my mortality a long time ago, I don’t see how its productive to wring my hands about COVID, of all things. I don’t hold any ill will towards those who feel differently, I just don’t tend to socialize with them.
3 of my grandparents don’t care about COVID (already had it or likely had it), 1 started developing dementia right before and couldn’t see most of her family due for over a year due to travel restrictions. Now she doesn’t know who any of us are–but hey, at least she didn’t get COVID I guess.
anon
I may get jumped on for saying this, but please have tests on hand! I’m happy to take one day of, but I’ve twice showed up at a place where I’ve been asked to take one and forgotten in the rush to get out the door. Luckily both places had spares. It’s just so hard to remember because by its nature it gets used up every time, and the kits are too bulky to pack more than one.
anon
So what would they have done if you tested positive there? Kicked you out? Did you have to sit isolated for a few minutes waiting for the test results? This is just so odd to me. No one in my circle is doing any of this
Anon
If local, gone home to isolate; if visiting from out of town, quarantine in a room the way a household member with Covid would. Definitely not have dinner ummasked with a big group of people. It’s not that complicated?
Anon
Agree you should provide the tests if you’re asking people to test.
Vicky Austin
NAH. It’s not offensive to ask, but you have to be prepared to not like the answer. And you’re certainly allowed to say “no test, no come” when you’re the one hosting, but he’s not an AH just for refusing. His reaction to being disinvited on this basis, or any sneakiness like saying he did test when he didn’t, would change my answer.
Anon
Not offensive but weird.
Liza
Not offensive per se but it seems kind of rude at this point, since presumably if someone tested positive you’d be asking them not to come at the last minute, when they’ve made their holiday plans around this. If I were asked this question, I would make different plans for the holidays, which may suit you just fine! But now that most people are vaccinated and most cases of COVID are mild and certainly survivable, I think it’s overkill to try to avoid any exposure to COVID in our lives.
Anon
If someone has tested positive for COVID, they really should stay home from this party!
Just being 70+ in age is a really significant risk factor on its own. Odds are at least one of those people has some medical conditions, and the whole thing about vaccines not working as well for people with “four or more comorbidities” is still true (and reflected in current mortality stats). Additionally, all cause mortality is still substantial (thanks in part to elevated risk for cardiovascular events following mild COVID infections). We are currently down a treatment since monoclonal antibodies no longer work on current strains (thanks to widespread transmission leading to new variants). How recently someone has been boosted, whether they can take Paxlovid or not (a lot of people have contraindications), what their risks factors are for post-COVID cardiovascular events are all still considerations.
Anonymous
So let me get this straight. You will only agree to spend the holidays with people who are OK with your coming with a known active COVID infection?
Anon
I mean no one likes to cancel holiday plans but isn’t it better than giving people Covid!?!?! Or you one of those people who tests positive and then gets on a plane anyway because you don’t want to have to reschedule your vacation?
Sybil
Uh yes if they are + they miss the party and stay home. I’m not one to try and eliminate every possible exposure, but I would be absolutely livid if someone came to my event knowingly positive. That’s true of any illness. If you’re sick you stay home. Common decency.
Anonymous
Not the AH! We do this at my house. It’s not going to catch ALL of the asymptomatic cases, but just because it isn’t perfect doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying. We have prevented two asymptomatic cases from coming into our house this way. I think etiquette requires you to give a heads up, and if feasible offer to provide tests/give them to your guests to replace theirs that they used – we stockpile them for this reason.
anon
Not offensive, but would be very unusual in my city and social circle unless someone at the event was known to be at high risk and that was explained.
Anon
70 year olds are high risk.
Anon
Come on, not anymore. Things have changed since 2020.
Anonymous
COVID is still the 3rd leading cause of death in the US. 1 in 2 deaths of people over 65 were people who had been vaccinated and at least 1 booster. All older people are at high risk. https://yourlocalepidemiologist.substack.com/p/who-is-dying-from-covid19
COVID tests
No, seniors are just the same high risk.
Anon
The majority of deaths in the US are now among vaccinated people. 70 year olds are high risk.
anon
Most 70 year olds I know don’t live like they’re high-risk, unless there’s another factor in play.
Anon
People are free to assume the risk as it pertains to them, so I’m not going to be going around ordering 70 year olds to be more cautious. But statistically yes they are high risk and I don’t think it’s crazy for them to behave like they’re high risk.
anon
If you have a specific reason then sure (like you’re getting a medical procedure a few days later and it requires a negative covid test). If this is just your personal preference it’s a weird ask. Covid tests aren’t cheap. And there are plenty of non-covid bugs going around at the moment so it isn’t a guarantee of health anyway. If your guests came in from out of town or they already spent time and money preparing food then no you should not ban them from the party the day of.
Anon
Yeah… The tests are insensitive enough in asymptomatic patients that I think I would sooner ask people to stay home if they have symptoms than ask for testing.
Guests really should stay home if sick though. As you say, there are a lot of non-COVID bugs going around, and they’re hitting people harder than they used to.
anon
Yep. Unless there’s a reason you need to avoid covid specifically just treat it like any other illness. Symptomatic people stay home, and assume there’s a risk others are sick but asymptomatic. If someone is immunocompromised enough that they need everyone to take a covid test I assume the other non-covid bugs (RSV, flu, etc) are dangerous enough that they shouldn’t be gathering indoors at all. For people that aren’t immunocompromised but are generally cautious I think having Christmas as a family is a worthy event to spend your risk dollars.
Anon
Re. your assumption… the thing about RSV, flu, etc. is that they’re not as contagious as measles, so they’ve always been a lot easier to avoid than COVID. But yeah I basically agree that a negative test result wouldn’t reassure me much (though I don’t mind much if someone else wants the extra precaution of screening in case any come back positive, especially if they’re supplying tests). With high risk people present, I’d open some windows and run some air filters too (which I think is good idea when running the oven and the fireplace anyhow).
Anon
RSV and flu are much less contagious. You’ll probably get them if your household member has them. But you probably won’t get them if someone you share a meal with for a couple hours has them. Covid is different, you can get it just by breathing air an infected person was in hours before.
Anon
I kind of expect it with old people or people with cancer or young babies. Not if y’all are 20ish.
Cora
Not at all, as long as you tell them before hand. Ideally you should have extra tests on hand.
That being said, rapid test aren’t really intended to work unless you’re actively sick/symptomatic. It’s probably worth doing, but also do think through the science.
Anon
It depends on who you ask! Some people would find it very offensive/overkill, others would happily comply.
We still ask all visitors to Covid-test, but I’m pregnant and don’t want to either get Covid while pregnant since medications are limited or miss out on prenatal appointments b/c I’m Covid positive.
Once I have the baby and he’s old enough to be vaccinated, we won’t require this anymore. Everyone is going to get it eventually.
Anon
I really hope everyone is not going to get it eventually. Surely transmission rates have to fall someday? Would it even be safe for people to just keep catching it repeatedly forever?
I have high risk kids in my life who could lead half-way normal lives before COVID. Other contagious diseases are dangerous too, but they’re not nearly as contagious, so the level of precaution required was wildly different. Like the difference between “attending school with a mask on when flu is going around” vs. “being forced to homeschool.”
Every single wave, one of the support groups I’m in for a medical condition I have becomes a COVID-19 support group instead as people end up in the hospital despite being vaccinated and sometimes despite having prior mild cases. And then there are the memorials. I really hope this ends someday.
Anon
Realistically it’s not going to go away. The Spanish flu is still circulating over a hundred years later. I think it will continue to evolve and hopefully each strain will continue to be less serious but I sadly don’t think it will ever go away.
Anon
Yeah I am Covid cautious and am one of the only people I know who hasn’t had it but I don’t think it’s realistic to expect I will never catch it. It’s never going to go away. But I haven’t caught flu in 13 years (I had a bad case of the swine flu in ’09), so I’m hoping that eventually Covid will be like that where most people get it once a decade or so, not every single year.
Anon
Immunity from catching the flu typically last five years, so it’s not really comparable! And we’re still working on a paninfluenza vaccine; I hope we succeed.
I’m starting a Novavax sequence hoping protection won’t wane as fast. I’m watching countries with nasal boosters and keeping my fingers crossed that they make a difference.
But if COVID will never go away, is there a plan to expand healthcare capacity or just generally to make this practical? I do think that part of the risk right now is from overwhelmed and burned out healthcare providers and caretakers. If each COVID infection leaves people extra susceptible to RSV and influenza for months, we’re going to have to adapt to this level of recurring illness with flex staffing for schools, more hospital capacity, more sick days, and so on.
Anon
I’m Covid cautious but I think it’s fine. We asked everyone to take tests at Thanksgiving, although most of our guests were arriving by plane.
Anon
I would find it a little weird unless the person requesting it is high-risk (but I’m not inclined to take offense at it). Personally, I could see saying that we insist it on it for my 85 y/o FIL who is in poor health (and I the requestor would be offended if people raised a fuss about that), but not for us 40 somethings with tweens who are all in excellent health.
Anon
Ha so my family had a blow up over this on Thanksgiving. We told everyone in advance we were requiring testing and provided the tests. Four guests in their 70s with health conditions including my super cautious parents who have *no* exposure to the outside world except through my family (they don’t even grocery shop in person). Everyone said it was fine. My FIL showed up to our house sick (!) and refused to take a test, saying he had decided our requirement was ridiculous. He’s no longer welcome at our house.
happy to test!
I’d be happy to test and appreciate you putting in place that precaution!
I agree that it’s nice to have some extra tests on hand/offer to provide a test in case people forget or if acquiring a test might be a burden for a guest.
As to Mr. Takes offense at being asked to test, I think it’s fine to tell him you’re sorry he won’t be able to make it. I wouldn’t trust an adult who is offended at being asked to test to stay home if he was sick. And I’d be extra resentful if he got a loved one or me sick.
Anon
+1 no longer worried about Covid myself but happy to test before being around babies, elderly, immunocompromised people, etc.
anon
Do command strips really work? I’d like to hang some garland in on part of my house, but I don’t want to install any permanent hooks. It seems too good to be true that they can be taken down without any damage. I I could try them out on a inconspicuous space, but wondering if anyone has tried them in real life.
Anon
Can confirm that they work well for hanging. Have not removed any yet though.
Cat
IMHO they work very well on smooth glossy paint (trim) and are a little riskier on matte paint / wallboard.
Cat
Oh I mean that they totally work to hang from many textures, just that we used them for some security sensors on wallboard and 4 out of 5 came off clean… and one took a chunk of wall with it.
Anon
+1
They can work a little too well!
AcademicDoc
i use them for all my holiday decorations this time of year. they leave marks if you leave them up for years, but not over weeks/months.
Anonymous
IME they usually come off without damage, but if the tab on the adhesive rips so you are unable to pull the adhesive straight down to remove it there is likely to be damage.
Stick-em
I use them on both trim/doors and eggshell paint in my house for garlands, door stockings, and other decorations. They work great! I do try to leave them up for 24 hours before hanging stuff on them but don’t always. Pro-tip wash your wall before using them if you are worried about weight, it does help a lot! I’ve never had an issue with them leaving marks or messing up paint, but I know people who have used off-brand similar products who have. I use the clear ones on the doors and the normal white ones on the walls. Another tip is if you need to hang something by floral wire, you can slide the floral wire between the plastic backing and the hook portion to really lock the wire in – that’s what I do for some areas of flat pony-wall that I put garland on. I do take them down after every season, as I definitely know they can cause issues if left for months.
Anon
Most of my art in my home is hung with Command strips!
Aunt Jamesina
Be careful, the adhesive dries up and it will probably suddenly detach after a couple of years!
Anon
I’m nervous about them after a coworker whose office looked like a Hobby Lobby exploded in it departed. When she took down all the stuff, her command hooks took a bunch of the paint and skimcoat with it and getting it all repaired was A THING.
Vicky Austin
lololol I have had so many coworkers like this.
Anon
Live, laugh, love!
Vicky Austin
Put the Chocolate In My Mouth and Nobody Gets Hurt! (real example!)
Of Counsel
I have put them up and left them up for years without taking off paint (new other otherwise). However it is important to carefully follow the directions, especially on matte paint or if they have been up for a long time. You have to pull straight down. If they seem stuck, a little WD-40 helps.
And I find that they work beautifully for holiday decorations, but I would not hang anything valuable and breakable from them. They do occasionally detach, especially in dry climates or if the wall is not smooth.
Anon
DO NOT DO THIS. Sorry for the all caps, they work, yes in the sense that they hold things up, but they take chunks out of your walls when you take them down. Not the no damage they advertise at all.
landlord
Currently renting my condo and can confirm these things DO NOT come off!
Anonymous
Sounds like you didn’t read their instructions for removal.
PULL THE TAB PARALLEL TO THE WALL; it will stretch like a rubber band and stay in the stretched out/deformed shape . There is no way to take out a chunk of drywall when the tab is stretched out like a wet noodle.
The troubles happen when the tab gets brittle and breaks off before stretching. I’ve had to use needle nose piers to get a hold of the tab remanent to stretch it.
Anon
I use them and they work great. Just make sure to get the biggest hooks. When you remove them make sure you pull the off so the tab is parallel and very close to to the wall/ceiling.
OP
Thanks for all the tips! I would put them up just for decor and take them down. I think I still have the original paint color from when our house was built, so maybe I’ll give it a try in case the paint comes off.
Anon
Oh girl, no – I’m the all caps poster and your walls will be ruined. Don’t believe the short time part with old paint. Old paint is coming down in giant chunks even if you’re only thinking temporary. If you plan to repair and repaint then do it.
Anon
And the skimcoat/paper covering the wallboard. You may even be lucky and most of the hooks come off as advertised, but at least one won’t, and when it doesn’t, it REALLY doesn’t.
Anonymous
Be sure to read the removal instructions: PULL PARALLEL TO WALL.
Signed—been using them since my college days in 2002 without a single issue.
Anon
Honestly, I just use thumb tacks or small nails and put up with the holes.
Anon
Agree with others that they work but they can damage the walls when they come off. We own so we’ve been very careful about removing them. But we still had some marks we had to repaint.
Holiday decor
Where do you buy holiday decor? We have been in our house for several years and we have ornaments for our Christmas tree, but that’s about it. I’d like to decorate more but I don’t know where to begin.
Mrs. Jones
Jo-Ann, Home Goods, Home Depot
Anon
Anthropologie, West Elm, Crate and Barrel.
Vicky Austin
Target, local greenhouses at Christmastime, collecting tree ornaments when we travel, heirlooms
JTM
All of my decor this year is from Target.
anon
Etsy, Target, Belk, Amazon, Home Goods. I also have a few items handed down from my mother and about 5% of the holiday-themed stuff my 7 year old has made in daycare/school over the years.
You can make a big impact quickly by switching out pillows and throws on your couch to something in a festive color. Add a wreath to the door and some evergreen branches, and that’s enough. Optional items–advent calendar, some candles, a way to display Christmas cards, a centerpiece for your table (could also be evergreen branches and candles).
Anon
Home Goods, Target, Walmart.
Anonymous
Start with a feature that’s prominent. Mantle and your front hall table are good places for decor. Your taste in holiday decor probably mirrors your taste in other decor so I would at least check out what they show at the places you bought your furniture and decor. If it seems pricy check target and the discount home stores for dupes. With all decor items, I find fewer and bigger is generally better than smaller and more. One tall handsome nutcracker and beautiful bowl of walnuts will beat a collection of small Santa snow globes for display purposes most of the time.
Figure out if you’re a fresh or faux garland person. I like fresh for the smell but it’s a pain when the needles drop. My old house was a Victorian with dramatic woodwork doorways and live garland asymmetrically framing a doorway was really fun and made guests gasp. Command hooks work great and you can also frame a focal point mirror or art the same way.
Also:I love holiday flowers. I find swapping my floral arrangements for poinsettia goes a long way but my mom just tucks tons of paper whites and amaryllises into her collection of blue and white pottery then fills the bowls with sparkly ornaments. I don’t have pets so ymmv.
Cat
Balsam Hill – pricey but excellent quality. Our front door wreath (not protected by a porch) is on year 3 now and looks new.
Cat
Reposting bc I forgot…
Balsam Hill – pricey but exc3ll3nt quality. Our front door wreath (not protected by a porch) is on year 3 now and looks new.
anon
Now that I WFH, I decided I wanted to add more decor. I started adding things slowly instead of trying to do it all at once. There is a Mejier where I live and I’ve gotten some items there, also Target and Home Goods. I would like to check out World Market but haven’t been there yet.
My local Ace hardware store has some cute Christmas stuff and I’m planning on checking Lowes and Home Depot as well. I see a bunch of stuff at Big Lots, but I want to be to be intentional with what I buy and not just get a bunch of cheap stuff.
I also like using holiday themed dish towels.
Anon
The local makers’ markets and bazaars.
Anon
I buy a lot of it on Etsy.
I don’t like a lot of extra “stuff” on surfaces, so I try to focus either a) on pieces that make big impacts by themselves (my fireplace garland with ornaments that lights up is one – I got that at Costco) or b) are things that I always have for every day, but around the holidays I replace with holiday themed same items and just store the non-holiday versions for the month. Think coasters, hand towels, hand soap, door mats etc.
Things that require power are tricky. I try to have very few things that require a plug as that makes placement hard especially outdoors (my garland is one of the few); I try to keep things that require batteries to a minimum as they usually require a lot to stay powered through the month and I start to feel guilty/it’s expensive; but for things that do require batteries I try to prioritize things that will turn on and off on a timer so I don’t have to manually do it every night. Example, I have bulbs on our tree outside that somehow magically turn on when it is dark out and stay lit for a certain amount of time from then (Amazon bought).
Anon
We have accumulated it slowly from various places with whatever catches our eye. Recently we bought a miniature crèche at the Santa Ynez mission.
My is to buy greenery and put it on your mantle, around windows, wherever you want some extra zhujj, and wait to accumulate things as you come across them. They’ll be so much more meaningful that way.
You don’t want to look like a hobby lobby exploded in your home, to borrow the expression from above.
Vicky Austin
Taylor Swift ticket fiasco anecdote: there’s a wedding venue in the town where my sister lives whose usual rates are 4000+. At the moment they are offering a free wedding booking in exchange for traded tickets from the couple. No joke.
pugsnbourbon
Oh that’s wild!
Anon
That’s wild! Because secondary truckers still seem to be available on StubHub and other sites for way less that than?
Anon
Yeah this seems like a publicity gimmick.
Anon
I recently joined Reddit and looking for good subs to join. Any favorite subs to recommend?
Vicky Austin
My faves:
r/blogsnark
r/ididnthaveeggs
r/books
r/suggestmeabook
r/whatsthatbook
Anon8
IMO smaller subreddits have better communities. Look for subs for any of your interests–they exist. For instance, I’m in the subreddit for my model car (r/CX5), the Nancy drew computer games I played as a kid (r/nancydrew), and poodles (r/poodles…obviously).
Not as good as it used to be but r/femalefashionadvice is the main sub for women’s fashion
And then if you like a good rabbit hole– r/creepyaskreddit is the best. They just repost r/askreddit threads that have a scary or creepy theme. A creepy askreddit thread is what drew me into reddit in the first place in 2012.
Formerly Lilly
r/AnimalsBeingBros
r/AnimalsBeingJerks
r/aww
r/science
r/mealprep
r/coolguides
r/OldSchoolCool
Formerly Lilly
And like Vicky Austin, r/suggestmeabook is a fave
Anon
Depends on your interests I think.
I regularly read
r/blogsnark (influencer snark, although they also have great book/movie/tv recommendation threads)
r/parentsnark (snark on parenting influencers, mainly Big Little Feelings)
r/oneanddone for parents who only have one child
r/figureskating to keep up with drama in my favorite sport
r/unitedairlines because I’m a United frequent flyer (although it’s kind of annoying because it’s mostly just people bragging about how much they fly international business class and makes me feel kind of poor)
Anon
I like all of the real housewives subs (guilty pleasure) which are often better than the episodes themselves.
I also subscribe to
r/abrathatfits
r/NYTspellingbee
r/BestOfRed ditorUpdates
r/birdwatching
r/whatsthisbird
r/bulldogs
r/CoronavirusCA
r/CraftsmanHomes
r/knitting
r/relationship_advice
r/skincare_addiction
r/WhitePeopleTwitter
And here you can see many of my interests laid out before you! Substitute your own.
Formerly Lilly
Oooh to CraftsmanHomes. Thank you!
Lily
Help me style the Everlane glove boot? So far my ideas are slightly cropped straight leg jeans or cords. Would they look ok with tights and dresses or skirts? Skinny jeans?
Also, PSA, these wash like a dream. My cat peed all over them and I almost threw them straight in the trash, but figured I’d try and put them through the washing machine twice and they smell great and no sign of wear.
Anon
yes, your styling ideas are just fine.
No Face
These look like they would go with everything! I would absolutely wear with tights and dresses.
Anon
+1 Those look like a very versatile boot.
Lily
Ok thanks all. I am trying really hard to get on this cropped flare trend but the elder millennial in me just cringes every time…
Anon
Remember, not all the trends work for all people. The cropped flare with a sock heeled bootie is great for me – I am a tall pear shape, short-waisted. It makes me look crazy tall, yet proportional in a good way. But no way in hell I am wearing Mom jeans / highwaisted boyfriend straight leg etc… I look 20 lbs heavier and a shlumpy mess.
What matters is how YOU feel when you wear them. What you like on your body. When you like how you look, you are more confident, it shows on your face and the way you carry yourself, and people notice that more than what you are wearing half the time anyway!
anon
Does anyone have an idea of the best way to support people in Ukraine? On Giving Tuesday, I donated to the shelter where I adopted my departed kitty, specifying it go to feeding animals in Ukraine. I’ve seen where you can send long underwear and such for troops (and civilians) in Ukraine and I’d like to do that for the season.
In fact, I’d like to tell a few family members to do this for me because I don’t want/need any more things. So I’d like something real and reputable.
Anon
Spirit of America has a Ukraine-specific fund you can designate $ to
Anon
I’m not following their Ukraine efforts too closely, but Spirit of America is such a great organization.
Vicky Austin
World Central Kitchen is doing great work there.
amberwitch
I usually donate to the danish ukraine committee, which in essence does nothing (and have no overhead) apart from collecting money and depositing them into a bank account in the Ukraine nationalbank so that the Ukrainian govenment can finance what they need.
Probably not something you can use, but maybe there is something similar in the US?
https://dendanskeukrainekomite.dk/
Anon
I am looking to leave my job in the next 4-18 months and there are 2 career paths I’m interested in pursuing. Both are related to my current job/previous jobs and my Masters (which I am currently pursuing), but have different day to day duties, pay, benefits, and probably lifestyles and I’m trying to figure out which I’m most interested in and which will be the best fit for me.
I have some use it or lose it time off this afternoon and on Monday and so would like to sit and spend some time thinking about this. What questions should I be asking myself / what things should I be considering?
FWIW, the two fields are higher ed and NGO/maybe government analyst work.
Anon
Internships probably aren’t feasible if you’re already working full time, but maybe you could pursue fellowships after you finish your masters.
Anon
Yeah I”m not planning on internships or fellowships. Both career steps would be natural given my career and educational background (not trying to pivot fields or anything), but am just trying to decide what environment I’d prefer.
I worked 18 months in a corporate job and 8 months (post-undergrad paid internship) for an NGO and have otherwise worked in government (5 years, both as a federal contractor and a direct hire in county government).
I think the NGO roles would be more of a desk job – researching and then writing reports (which I generally don’t prefer), decent pay and benefits (aka better than I have now, but not as good as higher ed), less travel, more prestigious, and probably more interesting, meaningful work.
The higher ed roles would likely have more non-desk work (leading trainings, serving on committees, working with various departments, a little student interaction), better pay/benefits, more travel (currently a pro), less prestigious, some interesting duties, but also plenty of more administrative work (reporting requirements, safety requirements).
Panda Bear
I’d spend some time looking at LinkedIn to see if you have any connections to folks who already work in these fields and ask for informational interviews. Alums and staff from your undergrad and/or current university could be resources as well. It’s always helpful to get perspective from people who are doing the kind of work you’re exploring.
Anon
I actually have a friend at the NGO I have my eye on and a friend who does the type of work I want at a local university, so I have set up time to grab coffee and chat with them after the holidays!
Anon
(I didn’t think I’d move into either of these fields, thought I’d stay in government forever, but these two friends specifically recommended jobs/their workplaces to me which led to me deciding it was time to leave government aka the land of very low pay and no work-life balance)
Anon
I would not move to a university to improve a problem with low pay. Work-life balance might be improved, but it depends a lot on the specific team you’d be joining.
Anon
So the higher ed option would be to join a team my former coworker now works on: The pay band is from 80-95k, I currently make 60k so obviously that’s a huge jump that I’d be thrilled with.
I also know its minimal after hours work and when there is after hours work they get a lot of flexibility. For example, give a training to this student group at 7pm one night, so don’t come in until noon that day.
Anon
They may not have to pay within the pay band; at my institution there is flexibility to go below it for new hires although if the band is really 80-95k (that’s REALLY high for most higher ed staff jobs), you should be making quite a bit more than 60k. But a bigger deal is that there aren’t really raises in higher ed so even if you end up at the 80k point, you could be stuck in the 80s for decades unless you seek out a higher paying role on a different team.
It’s good that you know the team you’d be joining has a good culture, but (as in any workplace I think) teams get reshuffled and managers turn over fairly frequently. In less than two years I went from a manager who didn’t care where we worked as long as work got done and didn’t want his team doing more than 40 hours of work a week, to a one level up manager who wants everyone b*tt in seat all the time and expects people to put in 60-70 hour workweeks, which is utterly insane at the salaries they pay us. I don’t work 60 hours, I’ve chosen to basically ignore him and one silver lining of higher ed is that it’s hard to get fired so this “quiet quitting” kind of thing is maybe easier to get away with than it would be in the corporate world. But it’s still a really unpleasant work environment to be in and a manager who hates you can make your life pretty miserable even without firing you.
Anon
I was surprised at the pay too, but my friend who works on this team makes 115k! We’re in a pretty big city that’s still affordable as far as cities go, but obviously has a higher cost of living than the small town where I went to undergrad.
I think, unfortunately, the lack of raises is also just as common in government and NGO world.
As far as culture, that can happen anywhere, no? I think just about every job has the ability to be “make or break” by a great or terrible boss.
Anon
Yeah, a bad boss can happen anywhere, but I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t think higher ed is necessarily a place with good work-life balance. You may get lucky with a good boss/team and it sounds like the one you’d be joining is good, but that situation probably won’t last forever and I don’t think you can count on it being a much better work-life balance than the corporate or government world in general. The stereotypes about higher ed that I find to be generally true are low pay and good PTO although there are exceptions.
Anon
Okay, I get what you’re saying now.
To clarify, the better work life balance would mostly be because the nature of my role would be changing. I’ll have a (mostly) M-F 9-5 role if I go the higher ed route, but my current job involves being on call 1/3 of the time and when on call I frequently receive calls at 3AM that I need to go into the office and deal with. That won’t be a thing in the potential new job.
pugsnbourbon
I would ask yourself what you want your life to look like in five years. Of course we plan and god laughs, but thinking about what future me wants helps me figure out what I should do now to get there.
Anon
Great advice, thank you! That’s definitely something that draws me to higher ed – currently in my mid to late 20s and single but dating and child free but the excellent PTO in higher ed is definitely more family friendly (and if I stay for 20+ years – the tuition benefits for future children would be amazing).
In reviewing benefits and talking with my 2 friends in higher ed, I think the higher ed lifestyle is VERY appealing to me both now and in the future. I am ready to leave the “hair on fire” 60-80 hour weeks on a 60k salary behind but I worry that I will miss the mission and the “excitement” of the government/NGO world and feel that I stepped away too early.
A decent analogy for my situation would be that I am currently a victim advocate for a county and my passion is working with victims of hate crimes. The NGO I am interested in works in national and international anti-hate and anti-extremism work, which is fascinating, interesting and important. The higher ed job would be working for the university in a non-victim advocate admin role working on campus safety outreach. Obviously the work is still important and impactful but it’s on a different scale. I’m no longer on track to become an SME on “insert hate group here” or doing cutting edge research, but I can work with students to keep them safe prior to a crime happening which is still a good thing, and I actually get to take my PTO.
Anon
Just an FYI, but tuition benefits for children is definitely not a universal benefit. I’ve worked at multiple state universities, and none of them have offered this. I know it does exist at some schools, but I’ve actually never heard anyone mention their ability to benefit from this, and I have a lot of friends that work at all kinds of universities around the country, though most of them don’t have kids in college yet.
Anon
Thanks for the flag! I’ve reviewed the benefits for this university and they do include it as a benefit for children and spouses after 3 years of employment (and for staff the first semester that they’re employed, which is good as I’d like to get a second masters!).
I’m actually surprised to hear that it isn’t universal though, I have several friends spread across 5 different universities who went to school for free or nearly free due to their parents working at universities.
Anon
I work at a state university and we get 50% off tuition for ourselves and dependents. However, I think forcing your kid to go to the local school for free tuition probably isn’t the best option in most cases – I am generally a fan of making kids move away from their hometown for college. We are saving significant amounts for college with the expectation that we will send our kid to a good private school or out of state public school if she can get in, and if she prefers to go to the other flagship state university in our state we would pay for that even though we don’t have any tuition break there.
Some fancy private universities (I know of Notre Dame and U of Chicago but I’m sure there are others) will pay full tuition for faculty kids at *any* university in the country. Now THAT’S a deal. We know someone at ND who has four kids and they all got full rides at $50k+/year private colleges, including some Ivies, through that benefit. Wish we had looked at this more carefully when my husband was applying to faculty jobs!
Chl
Use the book designing your work life. Have fun!
Anon
Oh thank you – this should be a good read!
Anon
A few women have posted on here about having meh or actively bad gardening with their partners. How does this happen and why does it continue? Are the men just lazy/selfish? Did they try harder at the beginning and then switch up once things got serious?
Anon
I’m sure it’s a lot of things, but the societal messaging I heard growing up was that women weren’t that into sex and it’s difficult to make it super pleasurable for them, AND they don’t/shouldn’t care if they “finish” anyway. One big way to see this is to note that there’s a pervasive idea that the sex is done when the man finishes.
So all that combined with men who don’t know what they’re doing and women who are hesitant to speak up (don’t want to hurt his feelings, he’s not going to get it anyway, he might get mad at me), and there we have men who aren’t good at gardening and who never get better.
Anon
There was one yesterday or the day before (?) whose husband was bad at s3x, they discussed it openly, and she was still there! It’s the last part I don’t understand.
To me, being terrible at s3x is all about not caring about your partner and being a basically selfish person, so it’s not just the actual s3x. (It never is.)
Anon
I’m the same Anon above. And I agree with you about partners who don’t even try to get better. I was married to one for 13 years. All I will say about that situation is that I didn’t understand at the time, due to cultural and religious programming, that it was all related. I didn’t view him as selfish because I’d been taught forever to put all of my needs and wants second (not just in the bedroom). Then he cheated on me, so obviously I figured it out.
After the divorce I have been vocal with partners and choosy about who deserves my time. Part of the criteria definitely includes being a generous intimate partner!
I’m mostly trying to say that for most women who stay in a bad relationship, it’s a lot more complicated than identifying one problem and just leaving.
Anon
The perfect person doesn’t exist. Is my husband wonderful in bed, no. Is he wonderful everywhere else, yes. I’ve had a lot of sex in my life with lots of different people. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on anything. It’s just not my top priority in this phase in life.
Anon8
Exactly. Plus different people have different priorities. I have a low sex drive, and it just isn’t that important to me.
Anonymous
My issue is quantity not necessarily quality. When we were first dating we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. When we moved in together it was still pretty frequent but started to experience hiccups. We talked about it. Based on those discussions it seemed like a timing thing. He’s ready to go when he’s anticipating it because we’re going out on a date. But he’s just not into it first thing in the morning or right before bed. I thought it was a timing thing that we would figure out over time. And hey if it’s limited to twice a week when we go out with friends or out on a date then that’s not bad, not something to blow up an otherwise great relationship over, right? And then date night obviously didn’t happen during the pandemic. At home dates don’t have the same excitement factor. And he’s made no effort to figure out the timing thing or initiate more.
Add to that, we’re TTC and he’s feeling very disappointed that it hasn’t worked yet. Well there’s something we have to do to make that happen, buddy. He’s gone to the doctor with me, has heard the every other day thing, but then it doesn’t happen even though I’m trying to initiate in every way I know how but he’s mostly unresponsive until I finally have to tell him, no really you need to participate you can’t roll over and go to sleep today is the day. Which of course leads to lackluster experience that doesn’t make either of us want more. When he initiates and it’s spontaneous it’s fantastic. But that’s like once every other month. Idk what to do. I don’t think he thinks there’s a problem so of course he’s not going to fix it.
Anon
Is he not open to you initiating? How about using words and putting weekly sex on the calendar?
Anon
TTC is weird and puts a damper on many people’s sex lives because you’re basically doing it out of obligation. It will get better once it’s behind you.
anon
TTC s e x can be kind of the worst. That was easily the least satisfying time in a long gardening life with my DH. There’s a lot of pressure on both parties. Total libido killer.
Anon
We’re in a rough patch relationship wise. DH has developed some pretty significant mental health issues & is using weed to cope. I don’t like gardening when he’s high, so we’re at a bit of an impasse. I think the issue is that he’s high every day and needs to see a doctor/therapist, his pov is that the weed works fine. Im not sure what to do about it.