Coffee Break: Samantha Half D’Orsay Flat

Samantha Half d'Orsay FlatThis pointed toe, half d’Orsay flat is pretty basic — and sometimes that’s exactly what you want. It does come in a zillion colors (and sizes, and widths — and Amazon has even more in sale colors/sizes for as low as $22), but something about the black leather/suede duo is speaking to me today. They’re $89 at Nordstrom (which has a bunch of new markdowns, FYI!). Samantha Half d’Orsay Flat

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  1. If your dog rides in the back cargo area of your SUV, what set up/products do you use to contain him and keep him safe and protect your car? I just bought a new Toyota Highlander (my first new car in a decade!) and I want to keep the car nice and keep my 55 pound, skittish-in-the-city-but-LOVES-the-outdoors dog contained in the back area. The products/set up I used in the backseat of my old sedan haven’t translated well.

    • Anonymous :

      Before kids, I kept the back seats in my SUV folded down and allowed my dogs to walk around/lay down in that entire area. This kept the seats paw print free when I actually had passengers back there.

    • Anonymous :

      A tied-down crate is one option and probably one of the safest from a puppy projectile standpoint. A cargo mat is a good investment. My dogs don’t tend to roam out of the cargo area and sleep in their beds on longer trips. They get carsick in the their crates.

    • We got a gate between the trunk area and the passenger area of our MDX. We put a weathertek mat and a moving blanket on top and that’s his spot.

    • Rosa got some plastic thing for her Infinity SUV that covers the back area b/c her golden retreiver puppy made poopie all over the back and the back seat when she left her inside when she went to get some icecream in the summer. I think it still smells back there, but Rosa had the car reconditioned and she swears the smell is gone. So I would call the car company you bought the car from and ask them to for custom fitted liners that are waterproof b/c you can pull them out and hose off any poopie your puppy may make back there and then when dry, put ti back. I think it is Weathertech. But it must be fitted, b/c you do NOT want the puppy’s poopie or her wee-wee draining into areas that are not covered. FOOEY!

  2. Anonymous :

    Is there a gift rule of thumb for baby showers??? What’s an appropriate gift amount (NYC)?

    • BabayShowah :

      I was just the recipient of a baby shower and most gifts were in the $25-$40 range, going up from there for gifts by close friends (about $50-80) and family (the biggest-ticket items). At an office baby shower, most givers opted for between $10-$25 gifts.

    • Anon in NYC :

      I give a gift somewhere in the $50-125 range, depending on how close I am with the person and also depending on whether I can buy one single item or if I need to buy multiple smaller items to create a cohesive gift (typically I find the latter to be more expensive). Like, buying the diaper bag versus a collection of bath items (toys, washcloths, shampoo, towels, etc.).

    • I usually spend around $50, less for office and more for close friends. In NYC.

    • I usually spend about $70, but I only attend baby showers for close friends and family members. If there were an office baby shower, I’d spend about 15-20.

    • Thanks everybody!! Much appreciated! First friend in the friend group. Other friends with kids aren’t local so no showers, just sending of knitted hats.

  3. Posting again in the hopes of a response. Has anyone seen this yellow coat in person, is it more mustard or bright yellow (looking for the latter)? And can anyone speak to how it fits?

  4. Similar to the jeans question from this AM – I also have a flat rear end and am having a hard time finding flattering jeans. I am quite tall (5’11”), which complicates things, and am an Old Navy size 8. I am currently wearing Old Navy Rockstar jeans, which I like because they are long enough, cheap and comfortable, but am looking for a more flattering option in the back. Suggestions?

    • You might want to try the Macy’s brand INC International Concepts. They have both a curvy and regular fit. I have a fairly flat rear end and a tummy, but am straight through the hips and thighs. The regular fit worked really well for me. Try them on, though, because it feels like they have a gazillion cuts.

    • Jessica Simpson super skinney

  5. Two things my wardrobe needs:

    – a pair of booties that are appropriate for wearing with suit pants and kind of look like pumps but let me wear socks and not freeze

    – a long sleeve shirt that I can buy in a bunch of colors to wear under blazers.

    Help please!

    • Aquatalia Fire bootie in black leather. Some lucky sizes on sale at 6pm

    • I don’t own any of these shirts but they are available in a ton of colors and seem to be popular and a lot of the prints are really pretty:

      • nerfmobile :

        Yes, I own a couple of these NYDJ henley blouses. They are quite useful. However, they are 3/4 sleeve, which I like but Shop4Me asked for long sleeves so these may not work.

  6. Does anyone own the shoes above? I love the look but they seem like the kind of shoe that would always be slipping.

    • Baconpancakes :

      Not these, but I have the Earth Brie Earthies (in silver), and amazingly, they don’t even slide on my feet! They’re magic.

      Lucky sizes only though:

  7. Anonymous :

    Looking for shoe ideas! I need a pair of black shoes to wear with yoga pants and jeans when I want something more dressy than running shoes but less dressy than ballet flats. I have had a couple pairs that look like sporty biking shoes before – one from Skechers; one from another brand. The Skechers ones were cute but didn’t have enough support for me to try again. They should be leather and black soled.

    Any ideas?

    • Anonymous :

      This is the style I have had and liked, but open to other sporty non-athletic shoes.

    • Have you tried Ecco? My Ecco shoes are very comfortable. (I don’t have these exact styles)


    • I have both of these shoes and love them. IMo, the Toms are dressier than the Pumas, but both could work.

      Toms Jutti flats:

      Puma Zandy flats:

    • I like mary jane sneakers for this spot

      I don’t own these exact shoes, but have similar in black, navy blue and olive.

      • or these

    • Try the Allbirds loungers

  8. Any single moms/heavily solo-parents of young kids here? How do you make it work?
    After a recent (Big) move, I am essentially functioning as a solo parent. Slowly but surely working on getting childcare set up so that I can get back to having a life (i.e full-time job) after a 6 month gap.
    Most jobs I’m interviewing for have an element of travel and that is freaking me out!! Thoughts? suggestions?

    • post on the mom’s blog

    • My friend and her SO both had jobs requiring significant travel and they functioned with the help of a live in au pair. The kids loved it and each au pair was part of the family for the time they were with them.

    • There was a similar question on the Mom’s s!te last Tuesday (very first comment) where the mom was offered a job requiring overnight travel and the husband already travels overnights quite a bit. It might be helpful.

    • Au pairs are not typically allowed to do overnights alone with kids. You’ll likely need a full time live in nanny or significant family help if you and your husband are going to be travelling at the same time frequently. It is probably not a sustainable lifestyle long term.

      My husband has a 70% travel job and I have a (reliably 40 hours a week, flexible, generally lower stress) 0% travel job because there’s no way we could make it work otherwise. It’s sometimes rough but definitely doable. That said, I only have one kid and there’s no way I could do this with more than that and stay sane (I’m an introvert though– maybe it’s different for people who want giant rowdy families).

      There are many parenting choices I’ve made because of my husband’s work schedule. I did CIO sleep training at a young age, formula fed my kid from 6 months of age, I let her watch a fair amount of tv, we eat simple meals and buy a lot of pre-prepared food. I hired someone to clean our house and take care of our yard. Basically, I parented in full survival mode for the first several years of her life. Recently as she’s gotten older, things have been getting easier and I’ve been able to do more with her and more for myself. I don’t feel like I’m in survival mode anymore.

      • THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT! This is why we need be married, and either to be SAHMs, or have a job with VERY regular hours and no travel, if we do NOT have a man to support the family so that we can be SAHMs. In my world, this transalates into either being like my sister, Rosa, as a SAHM, or having a regular goverment type job where we come in at 9:30 every morning and leave at 4:30 each afternoon, have no travel and no chance of haveing to work late or on weekends. I have NEITHER! FOOEY! I am single very cute successful female attorney , who has no SO, and a job that I work at all the time, making it impossible to find a man to MARRY, get me pregenant, and let me be a SAHM. I am SOOOO ready to have a baby, now that I am over 36 year’s old and be like my sister as a SAHM. FOOEY!

        This is a no-win situation for me. The more I work, the less chance I have to meet a guy, let alone have him interested in me to impregenate and MARRY me. Even Myrna recognizes the problem, but to her, she does NOT want a man b/c she sees them as leeches who just want to lay around and watch her bring home a paycheck for them. I know she is probably right, but I need a guy to impregnate and MARRY me b/c I do NOT want to have to be alone in raising children b/c I want time for myself like Rosa, when her husband is at work, like Ed. Why is that such a difficult request? Grandma Leyeh says for me just to start haveing s-x and see if any of the men step up to the plate if I get pregenant, but I cannot fathom the idea of haveing s-x causally, and without being carful about s-xeual diseases, just so that I can get pregenant. FOOEY on that. I am NOT and will NOT EVER trap a man into marrying me b/c it never lasts that way. Isnt there a LEGITAMATE way of getting a decent guy to get to marry us? HELP!

    • I am a single parent via donor insemination so have always done it on my own. I did not find it all that difficult, although I think it is different when you have that expectation going in. I do not have a heavy travel job, which probably would have been unworkable for me. The few times a year I did travel overnight I either left her with my mother or hired one of the women at the daycare to stay with her.

      Day to day, we made it work because I had her in day care that was open from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. (although she was almost never there that long), had my parents nearby, and had a long list of emergency sitters for every contingency including a very expensive service I never actually had to use. I was also very upfront about my family obligations with my new employer when I switched when she was a baby (a switch I made to avoid travel that, while not overnight, was taking me away more than I wanted).

  9. Academic networking :

    My SIL works as a very junior prof at the tiny university which happens to have a world-class program in my field. My colleagues and I are totally out of our depth on a couple of technical questions right now, and looking everywhere for advice. Would it be acceptable to reach out to these strangers through my SIL? Don’t know yet whether it’s even possible.

    • Are these questions that you would typically pay a consultant to answer or they are quick one-minute things? When you say reach out, do you mean your SIL would just stop by their office and ask them or would help you arrange a relationship with them?

      • Academic networking :

        There honestly aren’t any consultants in this field, it’s cutting edge theoretical science. The answers might be detailed advice they can offer without much thought or it might be pointing us toward the right published articles–so I guess the time imposition might be a medium length email?

      • Academic networking :

        Oh, and I would be asking SIL to arrange for me to be able to contact them through email (huge time difference).

    • Anonymous :

      In my STEM field, it would be most appropriate to cold-call/email the researcher, you don’t actually need your sister as a door opener. Unless they are too much of a big shot to keep up with their email, they will feel flattered that you sought their expertise.

      • Academic networking :

        Thanks for the advice. So far we haven’t had any luck with cold emails, even through 1st degree connections. We’re assuming busy inboxes, not having much luck.

        • I recently had to email a bunch of faculty for a group affiliated with our Alumni Association and I did not get many responses from that. My understanding is that a lot of faculty don’t respond very well to email.

    • I’m assuming you’re not planning to reach out and ask them to work for you for free. So yes, if you want to get in touch via SIL and propose a consulting agreement or collaboration, that should be appropriate.

      • This. Most universities are looking for funded research projects, but not so much answering questions for free.

        • Academic networking :

          Hmm…my experience with university scientists (mostly at smaller campuses, though very prestigious schools) would be happy to spend an hour or so sharing their expertise with a somewhat knowledgeable stranger. If I were anywhere nearby, I wouldn’t hesitate to wander through the building and knock on doors.
          I am a little surprised at the responses I’ve gotten here comparing this to consulting (which makes me glad I asked). Do you (or anyone else who wants to chime in) mind sharing what region or field you’re basing these impressions on? I’ve recently changed fields and I’m reaching outside my geographic comfort zone, so cultural differences could be important.

          • Engineering, SEUS, state school. I often see faculty doing consulting work so I see them as a different kind of consultant. I can’t imagine a random person wandering down the hall at my University to ask a faculty member a question or that faculty member being open to that conversation. Maybe in something more theoretical like philosophy but not in something where people are creating things, getting patents, getting research grants, etc. The faculty I know barely have time for their own research and their students are lined up out the door during office hours.

          • Also my husband and I are both very involved alum (husband is on the Board of the department and we both mentor students in the department, many of the faculty who taught us and were on our PhD committees are still there) and it feels weird to us to show up unexpected/uninvited to a faculty member’s office to ask questions, even those that taught us.

          • Professor :

            Are you also an academic? And are you asking something related to their research specifically? If both those things are true, then it’s definitely reasonable to ask them. If you’re going to profit from their answer, then it’s less so. Many faculty members are completely besieged by emails from random people mostly asking about things that aren’t all that closely related to what they actually study. But if someone emailed me to ask about a technique I used or a dataset in a paper I’d published, I’d almost always respond.

          • Professor :

            Another tactic: if you’re not getting a response from professors, try emailing their postdocs or graduate students. They might be more likely to respond and far more likely to know technical details.

          • Academic networking :

            I’m doing academic-style research (no profit beyond the fact that we’re paid modest salary) at a semi-governmental agency.
            Questions would hopefully be directly related to their work–along the lines of trying to apply and interpret their data accurately.
            Thanks for the encouragement.

          • if you step back and look at the flow of this conversation

            1) you asked for advice
            2) you received 100% consistent advice, but the opposite of what you wanted to hear
            3) you then questioned the qualifications of people giving you advice

            That’s not a very scientific approach, is it? I think you’re a little too wed to your a priori here.

          • Academic networking :

            Anon, I am assuming you are the same person on this whole thread:
            There has not been unanimous advice; there has been a diversity of suggestions and specific caveats from posters with different PsOV, which I really appreciate.
            And I promise, I am considering all the advice. But I am weighting it appropriately the fact that it comes from anonymous internet posters, compared with years of my own experience and my academic mentors. I think I’ve been very up front about my reasons for asking, and calling me out as unscientific is a little over-the-top.

          • Different Anon (definitely multiple on this thread). Your original question was vague and made it sound like you were expecting faculty to contribute to the success/profit of your company with no compensation. In that case the replies were very fair. Based on your recent clarifications your request seems more reasonable but I still wouldn’t be surprised if you are not getting responses as faculty are busy people and who likes to woek for free? It’s also not clear what field/industry you are talking about and whether this is theoretical or a research institution and that makes a difference.

          • No, i’m not the same anon. There are at least two here, maybe three.

          • Professor :

            I’ll defend the OP- this is definitely very culture specific and there’s a big difference between academia and industry and maybe between engineering and more basic science so it’s completely fair to ask about people’s backgrounds. In basic science, it is absolutely expected that you should respond to emails from fellow researchers in your field if they’re asking reasonable questions about the specifics of your published work. When not in academia and less closely tied to their work, it moves into a gray area, but as long as you don’t come across as a crank or someone trying to accuse them of something, it’s still reasonable to ask, but less reasonable to expect they reply, especially it requires more than a few minutes to answer your question.

          • Ok but the OP didn’t mention in her original question it was specifically related to data from their work or what the question even was.

  10. super anon for this :

    How do you talk to your kids about race? Particularly when they’re old enough to notice differences but are still kind of clueless/just learning about our country’s issues with race?

    My second-grader’s principal called today because DS made racist comments to a classmate. I won’t post them here, but trust me, it was not ambiguous. I’m embarrassed, sad, and angry, and I’m not completely sure where it’s coming from because it’s not from home! Unfortunately, he goes to a school that isn’t very diverse, although his preschool was. The principal talked to him about why those words are hurtful and said that my son seemed to get that it was wrong. He’s unsure whether DS used those words to hurt someone, or because he was a little clueless about the implication.

    Around MLK day, DS had a lot of questions about the civil rights movement. They were talking about it at school, and I thought we had a really good discussion about why discrimination is wrong and why our family believes that we should judge people based on their character, not skin color. Around that time, DS made a weird comment to my husband about feeling uncomfortable around people who look different from him. At the time, we tried not to make a big deal about it, but clearly Something is Up.

    Even though I’m horrified, I’m trying to see this as a teaching opportunity but I’m scared of messing up this conversation and making things even worse. Part of me wants to be extremely no-nonsense and tell him to cut it out immediately, because clearly the softer approach of “we’re all different, and that’s good and OK” isn’t cutting it. I realize he’s also a second grader and is trying to figure out his world, but he went about it in about the most painful way possible. I shudder to think how that other kid is feeling right now.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I feel like “not making a big deal out of it,” while understandable, is not the way to go here. Talk to him about it, and keep talking to him about it. If you google “how to talk to kids about race” you get a ton of hits, and this one is an oldie but, I think, a goodie:

    • Anonymous :

      My kids are younger but we had an awkward situation at church once based in a uncomfortable preschooler question. Kids can feel uncomfortable when something isn’t familiar. We live in a super non-diverse area so I’ve made a big effort to expose my kids to books, tv shows and activities (puzzles etc) featuring more diversity. Doc Mcstuffins and Snowy Day by Jack Ezra Keats are this week’s hits. we read books about Kwanzaa and Chinese new year as well. There are lots of great materials out there for kids today.

    • lord of the flies :

      This is upsetting. I’m not sure what’s going on with your school, but it’s making me think of what school was like when I was a kid. I remember that the who-picked-on-who hierarchy outweighed any input from responsible adults at school. Every difference in race, ethnicity, fashion, dis/ability, you-name-it was fair game, and I could count on my fingers the kids who could avoid participating because they were off-limits for some reason.

      There were also plenty of kids who were being taught questionable views at home. My parents had no idea that the one girl whose birthday I attended had been indoctrinated by her Nazi grandparents; they just saw a middle-class church-going family with a straight-A student who had never gotten in trouble in class. The white supremacist ideas she picked up from her family were less extreme what a lot of the future alt-right boys in the class would say. This school was not considered to have a bullying problem, and was viewed as pretty cheerful and mellow (partly because it was so white and suburban). I have met people whose schools didn’t have this atmosphere, but also plenty whose schools did.

      Maybe the fact that you were called means that there’s more oversight at school today. But even if there’s no overt bullying, if there’s an unhealthy pecking order dynamic in play, every student’s status comes at some other student’s expense, and ganging up against people who are different is a natural strategic move.

    • If you’re still reading this, I recommend that you read the chapter on race in the book Nurture Shock. This is absolutely something you need to get out in front of because kids are forming their own ideas as well as absorbing harmful cultural messages. An org called Embrace Race has resources on their website. You might also look into whether your local area has a chapter of SURJ (Showing Up for Racial Justice).

    • If you’re still reading or checking – look this up on the blog Cup of Jo. She had some very thoughtful suggestions last year.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I think you need something stronger than “We’re all different and that’s okay,” like “X is hateful and terrible, and here’s why.” You have to teach him how high the stakes are.

      I remember asking my father what the N-word meant when I first encountered it: he sat me down and said, calmly but very very seriously, “It’s a terrible insult against black people. Saying that word doesn’t just mean you hate the person you’re using it against. It means that you hate all black people because they’re black, that you don’t think they’re real people, that you think they should all be killed. It’s a terrible, horrible world, and if you ever use it and a black child punches you in the face, I’ll just say, Well, you deserved that.” I was shocked to learn that any word could carry that much meaning and power, but that’s the truth and that’s what I needed to hear.

  11. Baconpancakes :

    I missed a friend’s baby shower due to the host having my email spelled incorrectly, so I sent flowers to their house when the baby was born. They sent a thank you note that seemed weird, saying “The flowers were lovely, maybe we’ll send our other friends flowers instead of baby gifts!” It feels a little passive aggressive for them to mention that I didn’t give them a baby gift, but it’s perfectly possible I’m just reading too much into it. I figure at the income level most of my friends are at (especially these friends), they’d probably rather get flowers than a diaper pail (there wasn’t a registry, btw). So, did I make a huge faux pas by not sending a gift, or is it ok to send flowers?

    • It sounds a little passive aggressive, but maybe they really meant it and it was their sleep deprivation that made it sound that way.

    • Were the new parents aware of the email spelling snafu? That’s kind of a strange thank you card. I think it could go either way, so maybe just ask if they’re mad?

      • This reminds me of this Key and Peele sketch, which I love

        NSFW unless you have headphones.

    • Elegant Giraffe :

      I think that’s a weird thank you note, but I’d assume they were being sincere and not passive aggressive and move on. And flowers seem fine in that situation!

    • Anonymous :

      I agree it’s a weird thank you note but I also think sending flowers for people with a new baby is sort of weird – I like flowers and generally like receiving them but most new parents expect something practical as a gift. Maybe not a diaper pail if they haven’t registered, but baby gifts (books/clothes), consumables like diapers or food for the adults or pampering for the mom or the house (mani-pedi or cleaning service gift card) are all way more standard than flowers. So I can see why they were a bit taken aback. It’s rude to send a passive aggresssive thank you though.

      • My aunt and uncle sent me flowers when my baby was born and didn’t send an additional gift. I thought they were lovely. I genuinely appreciated all the gifts I received–the practical, the sentimental, the stuffed animals and clothes, the food–as well as the mix between the options. Also, I know people have different feelings about registries, but if parents don’t have a registry, they probably shouldn’t be disappointed when they don’t get what they want. That said, OP, I’d give your friends the benefit of the doubt and assume that it was a genuine thank-you delivered in a sleep-deprived state.

        • Pretty Primadonna :

          I also loved receiving flowers when my baby was born. I sent my BFF flowers when her son was born, but this was in addition to a baby shower gift.

    • I would assume good intentions here. I’m reading this as they really loved the flowers and thought it was a great idea (and maybe got too many baby gifts)

      having been through birth and post partum three times, I think you have to cut people a break. I’m amazed they got a thank you note out, frankly.

    • I think they are mean. FOOEY on them. Don’t send them anything for the baby’s first birthday. FOOEY!

    • Very weird response and I think flowers rather than something they didn’t need was fine. I agree with assuming best intentions though as they are probably totally sleep-deprived.

    • Anonymous :

      I think there are two ways to read this. The first is passive aggressive enough that I wouldn’t care about maintaining the friendship. The second, though, is that they really did enjoy having the flowers instead of yet another onesie and now that they realize how lovely it is to have fresh flowers around when everything else at the house feels chaotic, they are rethinking gift-giving practices (though probably won’t actually change it up because . . . expectations). I would assume the latter. I can see myself thinking/saying the latter (though might catch the double interpretation in writing). If they are so awful as to send the first, you will know the next time you see them.

    • Anonymous :

      I just think they liked flowers instead of another baby gift.

      • +1

        I thought this immediately. It sounded like something I would say.

        How we read into things…

  12. Miss Misery :

    I am a senior biglaw lit associate. I have always known that I am not the most preferred associate in my group, that I’m not going to be up for partner, and that my personality doesn’t mesh well with some of the current partners. That said: I’m comfortable in my role. I’ve gotten decently positive reviews over the years. I have tried to take the comments at my annual reviews seriously and to learn and grow from them. I had a good annual review again back in December, where they confirmed that I can stick around as an associate for the foreseeable future, and complimented my positives while also talking about a few areas to work on. I left feeling pretty good about my next 12 months.

    Then one of my colleagues came across my written reviews in the copy room and gave them to me (he didn’t read them; he is just a good friend and just wanted to make sure that none of the other associates saw them). I read the reviews, and they were horrible. Way more critical than anything that has ever been conveyed to me. Several partners saying that I’m lazy and unprofessional and that I perform below my class level and don’t deserve my bonus. The head partner–whom I like and respect, and who I thought liked and respected me–wrote that I’m not very good, and they will need to “make a decision” about my future in the next year.

    None of this is a total shock when boiled down to just the “facts” (opinions). But the language was I mean, I know this is helpful information in the long run. I’m actually interviewing for lateral positions and have a few offers that I’m considering, so I’m not in a bad situation practically speaking. But I feel awful–valueless, unappreciated, worthless, stupid, lazy, stunted. I feel like I’m misleading all the firms I’m interviewing at, I feel like I don’t deserve any of the offers, and I feel like all of the partners are looking down at me all the time and thinking about how bad I am. I feel angry, too, but mostly bad and sad and guilty. I feel like I shouldn’t have ever gone to law school, like I’ve wasted all these years working so hard and yet not growing or improving. And this is the kind of thing that is too embarrassing to tell my friends or relatives — I haven’t even told my boyfriend yet.

    I’m not really looking for advice. I just wanted to vent anonymously. Thanks for listening to this mediocre JD.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s got to be tough!

      You totally deserve every single offer, of course. You are not mediocre. There are zero mediocre lawyers who have lasted in BigLaw for as long as you have! You rock and the partners are two-faced. If it helps, I had a similar review when I was just a baby lawyer and it was horrible so I totally know how you feel. But that was 29 years ago and I hardly cringe at all when I think of it these days in my nice big office at my nice cushy job.

    • You are not worthless, stupid, lazy and stunted. You are in the wrong job. I would totally be stung by this so I completely understand, but once you are over the shock, you know what you need to do. You need to prove them wrong.

      The ultimate revenge position would be the client. Try to make that happen!

    • WestCoast Lawyer :

      It’s hard to say without knowing the politics of your firm, but it seems highly suspect that they would not communicate such terrible reviews to you more directly if they felt they were accurate. I was at a firm where they actually read our reviews to us verbatim, but the partner reading the reviews (not the same partner who wrote them) would also give context like “this is actually a good review from partner x, because he never says anything nice about anyone.” I’ve also seen partners who previously gave glowing reviews start to try to create a paper trail of problems that they normally would not have brought up so they would have something to fall back on if they thought they might want/need to terminate an associate at some point in the future. I wouldn’t take this personally, just look at it as a sign that it’s a good thing that you are exploring and you have options!

      • Anonymous :

        +1. This seems really fishy to me. I know Big Law partners play games, decide on a dime to fire someone and can then be very good at retroactively justifying it, but in my experience when they’ve decided it’s time for an associate to go, they tend to be pretty direct about that fact. Telling you you’re doing well to your face and then writing all these terrible reviews just seems like strange behavior – I can see one weirdo doing it, but am suspicious that all these people would write horrible things behind your back but then tell you everything’s peachy. How much do you trust the guy who brought this to you? I’ve worked in firms with people who were competitive enough that they were not above making up fake reviews to psych another associate out.

    • Anonymous :

      Hey I jc st want to say I was there. I got the terrible harsh reviews. I was crushed. And then I got a new job and honestly life is great. I am a good lawyer. People like and respect me. I’ll be thinking of you with such confidence and hope because I know you’ll come out the other side of this better off.

    • Anonymous :

      I got glowing reviews until I got that type of review as the economy turned south. Plus, I had one very difficult partner telling me how bad I was at lawyering everyday. My confidence was shot as a result, and I felt worthless. I am now a partner at another AmLaw 100 firm.

      • Thanks all for the positive thoughts. FWIW, I think their criticisms are real, and to some degree it is helpful to me to understand their view of my shortcomings—although there are some I would definitely push back on. They haven’t clearly articulated their criticisms to me because the bottom line is that we are chronically short staffed, and I can get the bulk of the work done — just not the tricky stuff around the edges, or the heavy research. They don’t want me to leave yet, and so they are giving me decent reviews so that I don’t feel pressured to move on before they are done with me. But they have been keeping a written record, and giving me a very light dose of it orally at my reviews along with lots of compliments about my core skills, so that they can eventually give me notice on their terms and claim that it is merited and not totally out of the blue. Regardless, all of your comments have made me feel better, and I am truly grateful.

        • I know you aren’t looking for advice, but this might also be a good opportunity for you to think about your fit with the firm. Is this a good environment for you? Especially since you have other offers…

  13. Anonymous :

    I’m so sorry. I’ve been in a similar boat and just wanted to say you are not alone. I used the situation to job hunt and found the best boss I could ever imagined in my new job. I wish the same for you too. Don’t put your self esteem in the hands of a$$ &oles. You finished law school. You passed the bar. You worked hard for your clients. It will take awhile but you will dust yourself off, move on, and don’t look back. Hugs!

    • I FULLY agree. FOOEY on your boss. This could have been me, as I have EXPLAINED to the HIVE before. Hang in there like me, b/c you can be a winner also. Besides’ you also have the POWER of the HIVE behind you! YAY!!!

  14. Husband’s best friend has gone AWOL. They were supposed to hang out this past weekend but friend never confirmed. He hasn’t responded to text, calls or emails in over a week. This is very unlike him. Friend is going through an incredibly rough divorce – he is essentially living in his office, his wife has called the cops on him for ridiculous reasons etc. We don’t have other mutual friends and can’t call the wife for obvious reasons. I found friend’s casual GF who we’ve met a few times and messaged her on Instagram, no response yet. This friend has gone through periods of severe depression and frankly I’m starting to fear the worse. Are we overreacting? Should we call the police? We definitely don’t want to stir up more drama for this guy. We are leaving the country today and I don’t see how we can make it to his house (about 90 min away) to check on him before we go.

    • Lana Del Raygun :

      I would call the non-emergency number and request that they do a wellness check. They probably won’t tell you the results, but if something has happened to him they can get him medical attention of whatever. It’s a minimum-drama event (I did this in college when a friend got lost in the snow while very drunk), so don’t worry about that.

      I presume you’ve called his office, but have you called anyone else at his work (if this makes sense for his work)?

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