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Updated: Apr 18, 2022 340 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Nellie Stretch Silk Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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A woman with long curly black hair wearing a mustard-colored silk blouse and loose tan pants

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

A classic silk blouse is always a versatile wardrobe addition. This one from Kobi Halperin has a flattering surplice V-neck and comes in several beautiful shades. This bronze color would pair nicely with navy, charcoal, black, white, or light gray.

The top is $298 and comes in sizes XS–XXL. It also comes in “latte,” “fern,” rust, ivory, and black.

A very close dupe is this mustard-colored blouse from Pleione (sizes S–L) that's on sale for only $21.97 at Nordstrom Rack. Here's another mustard Pleione top that's available in 2X–4X and is on sale at Nordstrom Rack for $32.97.

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Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. anon

    Are paper bag waist pants still a thing? I am looking for a white or cream pair and can’t find any. I have a summer outfit in mind. ;)

  2. Anonymous

    Tipping question. I am having my home deep cleaned. We are not regular clients. The crew consists of the owner of the cleaning service plus two others. How much do I tip each person? Divide 20% of the cost of the service among the three? Tip the helpers only and not the owner? Tip more than 20% total?

    • Anonymous

      We would do a flat tip, given to one person in an envelope probably in front of the others (with thanks said to the whole crew to make clear that this was for everyone), that was something like $20, $50, or $100 depending on the size of the cleaning effort / underlying charge involved. They can sort out how to divide it.

      I will just say that this always makes me feel intensely gross. Tip culture is awful. Just charge me a fair rate, do your work, and I will pay you. This silly dance is so annoying.

      • OP

        Tipping makes me feel gross too, like some skeevy rich person trying to show off or buy loyalty. I just want to ensure that everyone is paid fairly. I would much prefer a higher fee and no tipping.

        • Anon

          There’s an article in the NY Times today about the expansion of tip culture to all kinds of jobs that haven’t traditionally been tipped- it’s really awful. The most egregious was someone tipping 15% while buying a movie ticket! I actually worked at a movie theater as a teenager and we only made minimum wage, but there’s still no way that’s a “service” that should require tipping. Just pay people more, stop the begging and dependence on the good will of customers, which mostly just forces people in those jobs to put up with all kinds of terrible behavior with a smile. I’d love to see tipping banned completely.

          • Anon

            That’s just ridiculous. I’ll tip waiter, bartenders, cab drives, etc. But even being expected to tip at every coffee bar or small restaurant is ridiculous. I usually only tip a dollar or two. Aren’t we generally only supposed to tip places where they get paid less than minimum wage?

          • Anon

            How would you “ban” tipping – make it illegal? That doesn’t work well for people who want good service. The real solution is for cleaning services, spas, hair salons, etc., to say that the tips are built into the higher price. We tip waitstaff because some shifts are harder but more lucrative than others (Saturday night versus Wednesday lunch), and the effort and quality of service can vary widely.

          • Bonnie Kate

            Oh very interested, just went to find the article and read it. Tipping for a movie theater ticket is so weird. I do think that a lot of places leave the tip screen on Square registers, but you can really easily just skip over it. I would not feel cheap to skip over that screen for a movie theater ticket.

            Considering how much restaurants are struggling to get workers and stay open, I tip because I really, really appreciate the people who are working there. I don’t go deeper than that. I also really feel for restaurant owners right now….yes tipping is an industry wide problem and it would be great for them to just pay higher wages, but restaurants have taken enough of a hit in the last couple years, I just want them to get on their feet right now.

          • Anon

            Ugh! This reminds me that I was at my favorite wine shop recently, and they do bar service and cheese plates so their checkout system automatically has a tipping option even if you’re only buying wine, which I was. When it popped up after she rang me up, I was so confused and flustered – plus the girl checking me out was talking to me – that I just automatically hit 15% and paid a freaking 15% tip on three bottles of (not cheap) wine! I was so aggravated with myself for days afterward and then got a little aggravated with them for having it set up like that! But even thinking about it, I think it would have felt awkward to hit $0. (But I love it there and I love the people who work there and own the place, so I’ll forgive them eventually.) I wish we could do away with tipping also.

          • Anon

            Obviously, yes, I take responsibility. But my point was that it’s become so pervasive that everywhere you checkout the tip option pops up now. When you aren’t expecting it on a retail only purchase, it can catch you off guard, and you go on auto. That’s what happened. It’s still annoying.

        • Anonymous

          That’s exactly it. I would rather pay 1.2x and not tip than go through the “look at my wealth and generosity” charade. Feels slimy when I do it.

          • Bonnie Kate

            That’s so interesting that you feel that way when you tip – I have never felt the “look at my wealth and generosity” thing…. I genuinely am tipping out of gratitude, not obligation. Certainly not a “look at me” way – but I never, ever make a big deal out of tips… Just like – thank you, here you go.

          • Anonymous

            Bonnie Kate, did you grow up in a tipping culture? I did not. We did not live in NYC and my parents never hired anyone to do anything. I knew you had to tip in restaurants but the concept of tipping for anything else was completely foreign to me. That’s probably why I find it weird and awkward.

          • Bonnie Kate

            Good point – I did grow up in tipping culture! I don’t live in a large city, but upper midwest where tipping is common for restaurants. Also hair/nail appointments – always tip for those. Mostly where I’m tipping is food related – restaurants (obv), takeout counters, coffeeshops.

    • Anonymous

      It would not occur to me to tip under these circumstances. I tip my regular cleaning service at the holidays but I don’t think there’s any obligation to tip for each service.

    • Coach Laura

      I started tipping for all takeout and any and all services in the pandemic as did several of my friends/family. It seemed like a good way to show support for those who had to work in public with the covid risk. I had never tipped for takeout before. It’s a hard habit to get out of because the automatic payment screens still prompt me to do it.

    • Ellen

      I’d do the 25% divided mainly among the underlings. You could give a few bucks to the owner, but he does not need the money like the underlings do.

  3. Anon

    Looking to upgrade my daily moisturizer with SPF. Currently using Olay Complete SPF 30 and it’s fine, but I feel like there are probably better options out there. Any recs?

    • Ellen

      I’ve used Olay for probably 10 years and have no issues with it. Besides, the manageing partner says just keep doing what you are doing, so I am not about to switch my moisterizer, especially b/c I have even gotten favorable comments from men when I am wearing my KN-94 mask, b/c they can still see my eyes and part of my face, which continues to look fresh.

      I am wondering whether the hive is able to figure out what to do with men who do not want to listen to what we have to say. There is a new show on Apple called “Roar” where Betty Gilpin was playing a role of a beautiful blond who’s boyfriend made her sit up on a pedestal all day. He did not care what she had to say, but was just interested in what we look like. I do not want men to think of me that way, nor would I sit up on a pedestal all day just to please a man. How would the hive deal with such a situation. I assume Elizabeth and Kat have answers, but I want a broader view. TIA!

    • Greensleeves

      I use Biossance Squalene and Zinc Sheer Mineral Sunscreen as my daily moisturizer/sunscreen. It’s also SPF 30. I’m very happy with it, but I don’t know if it’s any better than what you’re using! Is there something you don’t like about the Olay?

    • Anon

      I love the RoC 5 in 1 daily face moisturizer. It is SPF 30. I use that on my face and the target brand spf moisturizer on my neck, chest, and hands

      • anon

        I use Cerave moisturizer with spf30. its nice, but leaves a slight white cast (i have medium complexion – south asian). All of my moisturizers with spf also cause my sweat to bead up. So if i wear moisturizer with spf and go for a light jog, it looks like im pouring sweat. Is that just how spf is?

      • Anon

        This intrigues me–Vitamin C serums are supposed to be applied at night, since C makes you photosensitive. I wonder how the formula overcame that?

    • Anonymous

      What don’t you like about your current moisturizer? I like Supergoop products, they have a nice light moisturizer that works well for me and my combination skin. I think it might technically be a serum.

      • Pompom

        I love my Supergoop Unseen Suncreen. My face feels fabulous at the end of the day! Makes a great primer under makeup, too, if that’s a benefit to you.

    • Anon

      I’ve been using Supergoop Superscreen Daily Moisturizer. It feels more like a nice day cream than an SPF.

      I use something more heavy duty on my chest, which tends to get more sun than my face. It’s currently Dr Brandt’s dark spot formula Spf because I’m trying to use it up but I switch it up all the time.

      Sephora does a bag of sunscreen mini sizes around this time, or soon, every year, and I always buy it. For one thing, I like having all those little sunscreens stashed in my bag, drawers, by the back door, etc. And more importantly, it gives me a chance to try a bunch of sunscreens before I buy a new one.

      • Anonymous

        I’m glad you posted this! I love that Sephora kit and they sometimes run out before I remember to get it. Just ordered it.

  4. Very anon

    Wise hive… does anyone have any experience with Borderline Personality Disorder? Family member was just diagnosed and trying to learn more about how to constructively interact, especially around splitting.

    • Anonymous

      Splitting like getting a divorce? Good luck. They are not going to be constructive so just hire the best lawyer you can, today.

      • anon

        No, splitting is a defense mechanism that individuals with BPD use. (Not OP)

    • Anon

      Sorry that this advice probably isn’t helpful, but the only way my family ever came up with to deal with an extended family member with BPD was as little as possible. He was really awful and abusive and unwilling to ever get help. Hopefully someone who actually wants help will be easier to work with.

    • Anonymous

      It really depends who the family member is and how much interaction you (want to) have with them. There’s a world of difference between managing this disease with a co-parent vs sibling you’re close to vs cousin you see a few times a year. If you’re close to this person then I recommend talking to their therapist/medical team to get recommendations specific to your person and see if there are local support groups for families. If you’re not that close to them, then talk to them and their support people to see how you can best help everyone.

      • Anon

        This. My sibling has BPD and depending where they’re at with how they’re doing with it they are like completely different people. To some extent you can choose to ride the waves but also have to be reasonable about protecting yourself emotionally. Definitely recommend discussing with a therapist, both individually and in family therapy if a close family member.

    • Anon

      A lot of specialists offer dialectical behavioral therapy workshops for the friends and family of people struggling with BPD. They’re all about how to constructively interact, and I found the recommendations they gave helpful in my situation w/a family member.

      I’ve learned that BPD can be a misdiagnosis of CPTSD or even ASD, but I think some of the DBT approach can be helpful whether or not the Dx is even correct.

      • lifer

        Just saying…. a poster asking for advice regarding a psychiatric diagnosis they spell out in full cannot likely understand a sentence that literally uses 5 advanced/medical acronyms. Geez, I’m even in health care and didn’t understand CPTSD….

        • Anon

          I assume she spelled out “Borderline Personality Disorder” because Bipolar Disorder could also be BPD.

          Not a psychologist, not in this field, and I know that CPTSD is chronic PTSD.

        • Anonymous (a different one)

          Those aren’t advanced acronyms. Personality Disorders aren’t quiet illnesses: when you have a close family member with one, you tend to know *something* is wrong long before you have a name for it and you tend to research accordingly. The commenter is most likely spelling out BPD to avoid people confusing “BPD” and “BD” (Bipolar Depression) DBT is much more commonly known as DBT than Dialectical Behavior Therapy and C-PTSD is almost never spelled out as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The only non common acronym was ASD (much more commonly known as Autism)

          If you work in Healthcare, you should consider brushing up on this stuff. These issues affect more patients than you think and not even being familiar with the name of the disorder puts you at a big disadvantage when providing patient care.

    • Anonymous

      It depends: how actively is your family member trying to improve? It’s going to be difficult to constructively deal with someone if they refuse help.

  5. Emma

    I left for the weekend and left out a nice sourdough loaf that is now hard enough to knock out intruders. Anything creative I can do to save it or do I just throw it out? I usually make breadcrumbs with stale bread but I can’t chop this up enough to get it in the processor.

    • Cb

      Stepping stone for the garden? Use for curling practice? Sadly, I think you just have to put it in the compost.

      • Emma

        Ha – curling could be fun! We’re in Canada and it’s snowing today so it might be appropriate.

        • Cb

          My son “invented a new sport” – using his play broom to push beanbags along the floor and I didn’t have the heart to break it to him that he’d invented curling.

    • NYNY

      You can revive it in the oven. Run a little water over it – not a lot, just open the tap for 2 seconds – and then wrap in foil. Put in a warm oven for 5-10 minutes.

      • Emma

        Ooh I’ll try this! It’s from a nice bakery at the farmer’s market so I feel bad throwing it out – I should have put in the freezer before leaving for the weekend but of course things were super hectic and I forgot.

    • Lily

      you could try sprinkling it with some water and microwaving it for a minute, which should soften it up…. then chop up for croutons or breadcrumbs?

    • Curious

      Soak in milk, add some eggs when it’s soft enough to crumble, and make bread pudding :)

    • Emma

      Thanks, everyone! The water + oven tip worked well enough that I ate two slices dunked in soup for lunch, and the rest has been sliced and is turning into bread pudding.

    • Formerly Lilly

      I had a long skinny baguette like this once. As it was winter, I threw it out in the back of my yard for birds to feed on once snow and rain had softened it a bit. Months later, the first time I mowed my yard that year, I ran over it and damaged the lawn mower blade. If you can’t get a knife in it then it’s trash and you should put it in the garbage. Unless of course you’d like to put it behind your door to keep as a home defense weapon.

  6. Anon

    This would be a perfect colour for an Autumn. I can’t wear it, but a redhead might rock it.

    • anon

      As an autumn, I clicked on this immediately (we don’t get many choices.)

      However, as someone who used to sew, one I saw the price, I scrolled on down.

  7. Anon

    I think given the flowy pants, this shirt just needs to be tucked in. It could be good East Bay Therapistwear on a person with the right coloring but too many loose clothes is borderline frumpville.

    • anon

      Agree, though I appreciate that the photo actually shows the shirt’s length.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I don’t disagree and you’re right… except wish you were wrong because I very much would like flowy shirt with flowy pants to be a cool look in the same way I want kaftans to be cool.

    • Anonymous

      Hmm. I think this shirt would look worse tucked into flowy pants. Maybe structured pants, though.

  8. Anonymous

    What were you wearing when you got engaged? And – Was your engagement planned or a surprise?

    • JTM

      My husband proposed by sending me on a scavenger hunt that started after work on a Wednesday, so I was in business casual clothes – I think dress pants & a Ann Taylor sweater top.

      Engagement wasn’t a surprise – we’d already put down the deposit on the venue & photographer before he officially gave me the ring. But I had no idea when or where he would propose, I just told him that if he did a super public proposal I’d say no cause I hate that crap. He wound up sending me on a scavenger hunt to places that were important in our relationship, and then got down on one knee in Loring Park in downtown Mpls. So there were people there but no crowd…and after I’d said yes, he pointed out that our friends were across the park watching & taking pics! So I got great pics of the proposal & we immediately went out & had an impromptu engagement party.

      • Anon

        Not trying to be mean, but JTM, if this doesn’t count as a super public proposal, what would? I know I am a private person, so my perspective is colored by that.

        • Anon

          I think like on the Jumbotron at a game would be way more public. I’d call JTM’s proposal public but not super public.

        • JTM

          Yeah, I didn’t want the jumbotron thing – I didn’t want a ton of people staring at me. I’m sure people saw the proposal, but I didn’t have randoms cheering & stuff, which I didn’t want.

    • Anon

      We got engaged at home and I was wearing a sweater and jeans (we were about to go out). It wasn’t really a surprise….I knew it was happening that weekend and I was getting anxious waiting, ha. I spent a lot of time thinking about what to wear but in the end, for me, it didn’t really matter. We have no photos of the actual moment, but later we got engagement photos and that was a really fun experience. Enjoy this time!!

    • Cat

      A pretty sundress – we were on vacation.

      And – both. We’d discussed marriage as the next step and had tried on rings together so he knew my preferences, but the exact proposal was a surprise to me.

    • Anon

      I’m pretty sure I was wearing an old t shirt and gym shorts. Possibly chino shorts and a slightly less old t shirt. The exact moment was a surprise, the fact that it was coming and the ring selection were not. I was expecting it to happen two weeks later, so did not anticipate it in the moment.

    • Anonymous

      it was a Friday after work so I had on a pencil skirt and a Nanette Lepore sleeveless blazer in yellow. it was planned in that i knew it was happening soon but he had said “it’s going to happen one day this week and you won’t know when.” you wouldn’t think i’d have been surprised but i was.

    • Emma

      Leggings and a Zoom friendly work top. The ring took longer than expected and he was super impatient, so he came home from work on a Friday and stared at me weird while I wrapped up my work meeting (I was like dude what’s your problem? Can’t you see I’m busy?). The second I hung up he told me to get up and got down on one knee in our home office. We had talked about getting engaged but the moment itself was a complete surprise. In hindsight it was perfect – I was laughing and crying, we spent the whole weekend celebrating with friends after but I’m an introvert and would have hated a staged public thing with a photographer. Plus he said once he finally had the ring he couldn’t wait a second longer and that was a pretty nice feeling :)

    • Anonymous

      What do you mean by planned or surprise? For almost everyone I know, the specific event for the engagement was a “surprise” but they had talked about marriage, timing, and usually picked out or at least tried on rings for months (sometimes years) before hand. The concept of a “surprise” engagement in the sense that she had no idea it was coming is kind of gross, like he thinks marriage is solely his decision and there’s no reason to have a conversation about it. I know a few people who did it this way, but they were mostly very young when they got married and they have very gendered relationships.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly this. We had discussed marriage and looked at a few rings so he knew my size and what style I liked. The timing and the exact ring were the surprise. He was in no doubt of what answer he’d receive.

      • anon

        +1 that I couldn’t imagine being happy with anything other than a decision to marry being a mutual decision after much discussion.

        I’m uncomfortable with our cultural narrative of a proposal, because it glamorizes the idea that a decision to marry is something for a man to bestow as a great gift on a woman. The implications of that are anything but romantic.

        • Nina

          I mean, how strong is that cultural narrative in our lives today? At least in my social circle its always discussed, possibly the ring picked out, and then only the moment of the proposal itself is a surprise. But the decision to marry has already been made.

          • Anon

            Isn’t the very fact that so many people (judging by this thread) steel feel obliged to have some kind of “official” “surprise” proposal with ring, scavenger hunts, photos… in itself evidence that the narrative is still deeply engrained in us? I am totally seeing all the “fun” staged proposals described here as deeply gendered. Like how many people expect one party (the guy) to set up this elaborate surprise with a ring and all when you’ve already agreed you want to get married?

          • Anon

            Anon at 4:40 pm, I get what you’re saying, but I think you’re ignoring the fact that heterosexual marriage is deeply gendered if children are involved. It’s our bodies that go through pregnancy and postpartum. It takes a toll on our bodies, minds, psyches, and careers (you just can’t hit it out of the park during that time). A man who takes the time to pick out a ring and arrange a lovely proposal is (in my experience, n=1), willing to put effort into the marriage.

    • Anon

      A bikini. We were walking on the beach alone at midnight (he had the ring tied to his belt loop in case one of us dropped it). We had discussed marriage and ring shopped, but the exact circumstances of the proposal were a surprise.

        • Anon

          LOL I would have murdered him if he’d lost that ring. I found the one I had my heart set on during our very first day ring shopping. It was an estate piece, so one of a kind. He returned that night and bought it, then when we went back another day, he pretended to be dismayed that it was gone. I was heartbroken. He spent a month driving me all over the state looking for something similar, just to keep up the surprise.

    • Anon

      This is fascinating to me! Is this a US thing?! I never knew things like this could be planned (I mean planned by two people – if the proposer planned it but the proposee had no idea it was coming that’s different). So people stage these? And engagement photos are a thing? That is so… wild to me.

      • JTM

        I don’t think the proposals are staged – at least mine wasn’t.

        There’s a difference between the proposal and the engagement. Engagement is setting the intention to marry each other, and I strongly believe that should NOT be a surprise. Someone proposing to you & you’ve never discussed marriage with them is a red flag. The proposal is the getting down on one knee thing, and most people do think that should be a surprise. You can know that you have the intention to marry someone but not know exactly when or how they will ask you to marry them (and if you’ve already agreed to marry each other, the proposal is just a nostalgic formality that doesn’t actually change anything).

      • Cat

        The exact proposal is almost always a surprise to one person. Those of us saying it was “planned” usually mean that the couple has decided marriage is the next step, it’s just the exact timing of the “official proposal” that’s a secret to one of them.

        Some proposers loop in close family or friends so they can be ready and waiting to celebrate immediately as part of the surprise.

        I’m very glad my now-husband knew me well enough to propose when absolutely no one was in sight!

    • Anon

      PJs and n/a – he broached the conversation and we agreed to get married over coffee and the Sunday NYTs.

    • Lily

      A dress and heels. It was my 30th birthday weekend so I had dressed up to go out to dinner. The proposal was a total surprise. He had sneakily already gotten my grandmother’s ring from my mom somehow (I’d mentioned to some friends that I wanted to have that as my engagement ring, they must have told him). Of course we had discussed marriage, our future, but no specific timeline and we didn’t go ring shopping or anything like that. I think if you’d asked me when we’d get engaged, I would have said “sometime in the next 6 months,” but that weekend I really just thought was about birthday celebrations. He also surprised me by arranging to have some out of town friends and my parents fly in to celebrate.

      I understand why some people go ring shipping together and discuss every detail, book a venue for the wedding, etc., but that was never what I wanted for myself. I think it’s much more romantic when it’s a surprise. Similarly, I get why people do “first looks” but we opted not to, even though it made the wedding timeline trickier, because we wanted the element of walking down the aisle and seeing each other all dressed up for the first time. Oh, and we also chose not to find out the sex of our first kid. We like surprises!

    • Anon

      We had picked out the ring together and talked about marriage before. Then he booked a romantic weekend away, and planned a beautiful hike followed by a romantic dinner. So I knew what was up, but he thought it would be a big surprise. Well, the hike got ruined by terrible weather (fog and drizzle), so his perfect moment was ruined and he was getting more and more anxious and I tried to pretend to not notice and be chipper. Eventually we went back to our room to change for dinner and he did it then, after I got out of the bathroom (where I was towel drying my hair from the rain lol) — so I was either still in hiking clothes or a robe, I don’t remember. He told me after that he considered just not doing it at all since the plan got ruined and I told him I would have been mad because I had been waiting for this since we picked out the ring and more eagerly since he booked the trip. We then celebrated all night and told friends and family in the morning — no one except his parents knew it was coming. It was really fun and perfectly imperfect, just like us.

    • Anon

      A cute business-y dress and tights (I’d come from my law firm job and hadn’t changed). It wasn’t really a surprise. We’d bought the ring together a month or so before, and my husband had been telling me since the very early days of our relationship that he would propose in the restaurant where we had our first date. So when we went to that restaurant soon after getting the ring, I had a pretty good idea it was coming. He did pull off a small surprise though, by taking my camera and giving it to the waiter so we have photos of the moment, which I loved.

      • Anon

        Also we took a super romantic trip to Hawaii about two weeks before we got engaged (after we bought the ring) and even though I didn’t think he’d propose there because of his stated restaurant plans, all my friends and family thought we were getting engaged there and we got non-stop questions about it to the point that I started getting kind of peeved when he didn’t propose on the trip (even though I hadn’t originally expected it). So if you’ve gone ring shopping and have imminent plans to propose, I don’t recommend taking a romantic vacation with no proposal!

    • Anon

      Approximately twenty-five layers because it was about ten degrees outside. We had talked about engagement and marriage, so it wasn’t a surprise that he proposed, just that he proposed then.

    • Anon

      I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt and so was he. It was a surprise as we were living together, but had been talking about getting engaged in maybe a year or so. He just asked, didn’t even actually have the ring with him at the time (it was a family ring and we actually had to go get it from his mom after he asked). He later told me he just felt the moment was right and he went for it. Been married 23 years so yeah – he made the right call.

    • anon

      1) Marriage 1: I don’t remember what I was wearing, it was a surprise, I thought about saying no and should have.

      2) Marriage 2: We had decided to get married pretty early in our relationship – as soon as we realized I was expecting. Then COVID happened and life happened and so we didn’t actually get around to setting a wedding date for a few years. Technically he “proposed” when the ring we’d picked came in from the jeweler, but I have no idea what I was wearing as I was lounging on the couch after work doing NYT Spelling Bee game. Not at all romantic but right for us – the idea of a proposal as an event was unappealing.

    • Anon

      I know I should live and let live and all that, but the staged proposals with the perfect outfits and pro photographers make me judge the couple SO hard.

      Anyways, we were hiking and he proposed over a lovely vista.

      • Anon

        This is what happened with us too :) We knew we would get married eventually but in that shared beautiful moment he felt the time had come, why wait? If he hadn’t proposed then, I might have done soon after.
        I find it wild that people can go ring shopping together and still do a separate “offical” proposal after! But it makes them happy – who am I to judge.

      • COra

        A few weeks ago I was at a popular proposal spot (great view) in my city at sunset and there were 3 proposals, all staged, I think run by the same like event-planning company. I was there with my fairly new boyfriend so that was funny.

      • Anon

        I also judge (although I keep my opinions to myself or for anonymous forums). If you aren’t over the top excited about saying “yes” regardless of the circumstances, keep looking.

    • Senior Attorney

      We always say it was less a proposal than a negotiation! We were dating happily and had no real thought of marriage until a good friend of ours died unexpectedly and all of a sudden we realized we didn’t have all the time in the world and maybe we should make it official. There were a few conversations and then we made it official in my back yard one evening after a small dinner party — don’t remember what anybody was wearing, just remember being so happy! The ring came afterwards.

    • Anon

      I don’t remember. It was a surprise but not really. We had talked about getting married and had agreed that we should, but the day he got down on one knee was spontaneous. We then picked out the ring together. This was 23ish years ago.

      I feel bad for guys that they’re expected to put on a big choreographed moment for social media now.

      • Anonymous

        They are even expected to do it to ask girls to prom in high school. Promposals. It’s ridiculous.

        • Anon

          Yep. My stepsister refused to be in my wedding partly because I didn’t “bridesmaid-propose” to her. She is of the age (born in the mid-90s) to have gotten “promposed” to several times in high school and college.

          • Anon

            She would have been a pain in the ass in your wedding party. You dodged a bullet.

            I’ve heard of more than one bride-to-be demanding a do-over on the proposal because it wasn’t exactly what she wanted (mainly for social media). So ridiculous.

          • Anon

            “I didn’t “bridesmaid-propose” to her.”

            Until today, I did not know this was a thing. And I am sorry that now I do know. Yuck.

    • Anonymous

      My current husband and I got engaged after a few conversations over the course of a few weeks. No proposal. No engagement ring. We told everyone we were engaged and starting planning the wedding. This felt much more natural, and more “me” than the engagement for my first marriage.

      My first husband proposed while on a trip to Niagara Falls, as we were watching the sunrise over the falls. We had talked about marriage before, but hadn’t really made any decisions yet (or so I thought), and the proposal was a complete surprise to me. He planned the engagement when we planned the trip. He didn’t have a ring yet, because I had been very clear about wanting to pick out my own ring, but he did have a fancy envelope and card with a note he wrote to me (the note was very sweet). People asked about how we got engaged. He loved telling the story or prompting me to tell the story, and people oohed and aahed. I felt a little weirded out and didn’t quite know why. That mismatch in proposal styles should have been a warning sign of lots of other mismatches in our relationship. We divorced 7 years later.

    • AZCPA

      My bathrobe. Was the weekend morning on now-husband’s birthday. He’d just opened his gift and I’d gone to the kitchen to throw away the wrapping paper, when he announced he had something for me too. When I turned around, he was holding a ring.

      It being that day and time was a surprise, but we’d long discussed marriage so that he asked wasn’t a surprise at all.

    • Anon

      We didn’t have a proposal, we got engaged by having conversations over time. I think there’s a small part of me that is sad there was no one romantic moment, but I also know that is not very me and I probably would have felt awkward more than anything anyway.

    • I asked

      I proposed to him. We’d discussed marriage and kids previously so only the timing was sort of a surprise. When I insisted a mutual friend in town that night could NOT join us for dinner at one of our favorite places, he says he more or less knew it was coming. Yes, I did indeed buy a new dress for the occasion. And for the record – my pretty rehearsed speech went right out the window and I stammered through it awkwardly. Heh.

  9. Subordinate wedding gift

    I have a direct report getting married in mid June. He’s only been on my team for about 2 months, but I’d like to send a wedding gift. I poked around on most of the usual places for a wedding registry and couldn’t find one. Should I straight up ask him for his registry or send something generic? I checked with HR and there’s no formal policy on this sort of thing or a “company gift” as was the case in my previous org.
    Any suggestions on a good generic gift under $100?

    • Lily

      I’d get him a $100 gift certificate to a nice local restaurant that has a variety of dietary options (so maybe not a steakhouse or seafood joint unless you know for a fact that he and fiance(e) eat meat).

    • Cat

      Can you ask your peers what they do for their reports? Most places don’t have a formal policy or company gift in my experience, it’s more informal company culture.

      Lacking that, I’d give a bottle of bubbly (unless you know he doesn’t drink) and a generic gift card – think Target. Don’t try to come up with a picture frame or bowl or whatever, please.

    • Anon

      Gift card and nice handwritten note! Either to a nice local restaurant or to Target/other very practical store.

      • Jolene

        Not everyone drinks alcohol, and for those that don’t, this is not a good gift. I get that it can be regifted. Still.

        • Anon

          I know that. It’s still appropriate unless the colleague is in AA or something. Weddings have a zillion toasting opportunities. It’s a classic for a reason.

          • Anon

            He won’t be able to serve it at the wedding, even if it’s delivered in advance. Most venues restrict outside alcohol. If he doesn’t drink (or even if he does drink but he and/or his spouse don’t like champagne) it will be hard for him to use. I would not gift alcohol, but especially not a bottle of champagne that has to be consumed immediately once opened.

          • Anon

            You probably won’t know if someone is in AA because it is anonymous. Please don’t give alcohol to people you don’t know well. It’s not appropriate.

          • Cat

            jfc, for all we know the OP has gone to happy hour with the report.

            Also, there are stoppers designed to re-seal a bottle of bubbly. It won’t last forever but keeps it fresh for at least 4-5 days if you don’t want to enjoy the whole bottle in one sitting.

          • Bonnie Kate

            Agree to disagree on the champagne being a good classic gift for someone you barely know personally…I would be fine with it but half of my immediate and extended family doesn’t drink for religious reasons. It’s also not the best gift for a couple who is newly pregnant/not telling anyone yet, or is not drinking for a variety of health reasons. Or even if they do drink alcohol, a lot of people don’t like wine or champagne (my DH, MIL, FIL, BIL are amidst these weirdos). It’s fine if you want to do it and I’m not trying to argue, I’m just sharing because I know personally a ton of people who would receive this and politely saying thanks and not being actually into it.

            Nice card + gift card to a nice restaurant seems way more universal to me.

          • Bonnie Kate

            good lord my grammar is terrible in my last comment…conference call commenting spurs terrible comment structure.

          • Anon

            My best friend was gifted a bottle of vodka at her work Christmas party. She’s a recovering alcoholic and had to drive out of her way after the party to drop it off at my house. That was not a good gift. I guess if you’ve seen him drink alcohol, then go ahead. But again, if you don’t know them well, do not give alcohol.

          • Jolene

            People who don’t drink alcohol don’t toast with champagne. So the “zillion toasting opportunities” at a wedding is irrelevant to my comment. And obviously, most people who don’t drink aren’t “in AA or something.” People choose not to for a huge host of reasons. For all the emphasis on inclusivity in corporate settings these days, this seems like an especially poor choice for a gift from boss to subordinate.

        • Anon

          Even if you drink, it can be a hard gift to use because you have to drink the entire bottle in one sitting. I love Prosecco but have several bottles I’ve been unable to drink because my spouse and most of my close friends don’t drink and (unlike still wine) it doesn’t keep once opened.

      • Anon

        I always appreciate a gift of wine but would personally really love it if these champagne gifts shifted towards wine. My fiancé drinks, but sparkling wine gives him awful heartburn, and there’s no way of me getting through a bottle of bubbly on my own before it gets ruined. I try to save them for when we have people over but sometimes those people want cocktails or a red!

    • Anon

      I kept my wedding registry private; most of our guests had to travel for the wedding (no, we weren’t being precious; families live on opposite coasts and we live near neither), and we didn’t want it to be public knowledge when everyone would be out of town. Given that, I would straight-up ask. If he demurs, go with a gift card to a nice restaurant.

    • OP

      Ok if I go with a restaurant, any recs in Nashville?
      We are dispersed but he’s in metro Nashville.

      • Anonymous

        My favs – Etch or Miel. You could do an M Street gift card which gives options for a variety of places. Steakhouses would be Oak or Bourbon Steak.

      • Formerly Lilly

        Margot is romantic and nice, in a lush but low-key kind of way. Physical cards available online.

    • anon

      We didn’t have a registry because we didn’t want to pick out presents for people to give us. Anyone who asked, we told them no need to get us anything. That said, I treasure the gifts people who mean a lot to me selected for us, including superiors at work (I had amazing superiors).

    • Anonymous

      I would gift a local restaurant gift certificate or a gift card to something pretty universal like Target or other store with housewares and the like or perhaps a food-based gift basked if you know when they will be home. I would avoid champagne–to many people don’t drink and champagne in particular appears to be the “mushrooms” of alcohol–people either love or hate it with a passion.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to the last sentence. Because so many people either don’t drink at all or don’t like champagne, it actually seems like a very impersonal gift to me unless you know the person well and know for a fact that they love it. It falls into the same category as scented candles–likely to end up as a white elephant.

  10. Anon

    Ugh — so much angry redness from maskne scars on my face. What are the good concealers for this? Was not previously a problem. My derm says they will fade in time, but I need to cover them up for some important meetings where I don’t want to look like an awkward teen who is uncomfortable in my own skin.

    • Anne-on

      I find it more helpful to use a full coverage foundation over a color-correcting primer, and then use concealer on spots that still need a bit more help. Concealer alone never looks quite as natural as I’d hope.
      I have a small bottle of the Armani foundation everyone suggests and it is really, really good without being cakey.

    • Anonymous

      IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Redness covers well, if one of the shades works for your skin tone. Green concealer under regular concealer will also neutralize redness.

  11. Cb

    Anyone have recommendations on blogs/guides to mending techniques? I’m trying to be better about mending things with small holes – my 4 year old gets holes in the knee, my husband’s favourite jumper has a small hole, my own at home clothes, but I don’t seem to have the knack for making it look decent. I don’t need perfect but an alternative to my current creation of a big old pucker in things.

    • Anne-on

      I’m not at all a sewist so my go-to method is the iron-on patches placed inside the garment, or simply taking them to the dry cleaner or seamstress. For knitted things patching them requires darning and uh, I do not have the time or the talent for that. But there seem to be many youtube videos on it. If you have a local crafts/sewing/knitting space they may have classes you can attend in person, which I bet would be the most helpful!

    • AnonMom

      If you have puckers, it sounds like you are pulling the sides of the hole together when instead you need a patch. If you like the neat but not hidden look (especially fun for kid’s clothes, but I have success doing the same in more muted colors for adult clothing), you could search for visible mending techniques.

    • anon

      This post was made for me! I mend ALL THE THINGS and have learned a tone from these IG accounts. I love that it is low stakes. I’ve rehabbed everything from pants to socks to gloves to towels.

      Roberta Cummings
      Millie and the Bee
      Wren Bird Mends (Erin Eggenburg)

      The book Modern Mending by Erin Lewis-Fitzgerald is great too.

  12. Anon

    Where does one go for credible information about dietary / herbal supplements? Is there a website that has legit, detailed information about what to look for in supplements? Specifically, I’m looking for an ashwagandha supplement (for anxiety) and am trying to figure which brands have the right amounts, don’t include other ingredients, etc. My pcp hasn’t been helpful when I’ve asked her about things like this.

    • Anonymous

      the medical community generally frowns on supplements for all those reasons. USP/GMP certifications tell you you’re at least getting the product you think you’re getting, but a woo doctor (“functional medicine” maybe?) might be able to direct you more.

      don’t forget to check for drug interactions with other meds/vitamins (or substances! not a lot of research on THC but CBD does have known interactions).

    • anon

      This is the problem with dietary supplements being completely unregulated. You really don’t know what you’re getting, and there are so many charlatans out there pushing products that are ineffective at best and harmful at worst. I’m not surprised that your PCP hasn’t been super helpful with this issue.

    • Curious

      I believe there are other countries (in Europe?) where supplements are regulated, so it’s possible you could find success by buying from abroad. A friend did this with a particular Polish tincture she swore eliminated the dry skin on your elbows. YMMV.

    • lifer

      No website exists that has the information you want, unfortunately. NIH has some great webpages summarizing data/studies on a lot of supplements. You would have to look through each product’s ingredients to see what is in it, and since there are no quality controls required by law, you actually have no idea if what the label says is true.

      This is the price we pay for “freedom” to take anything produced and labeled a supplement/dietary food/vitamin etc.. which might just be ground up melamine.

      FYI – all of these things are drugs. We just like to fool ourselves that they aren’t. A drug is simply any substance taken that causes a physiologic effect in the body. And “natural” drugs can hurt you too. Too much vitamin E can give you early death. Chinese “herbs” can give you a stroke (which ones? who knows….) etc…

  13. Swimsuits

    Any suggestions for wear to buy a swimsuit that isn’t super-revealing, but also isn’t trying to hide your body with ruching? I’m looking for something to wear with toddlers, so it needs to be secure. As a mom of twins, I’d prefer one-piece or tankini and supportive up top. It seems like most one-pieces are made with ruching and embellishments to hide your body (or have cut-outs, in which case, I’d rather a two-piece), which actually just make me look bigger. I feel like this should be simple, but I’m having so much trouble!

    • Anon

      Lands End rashguards. I like their swim skirts. I wish their bottoms didn’t make my hips look wider, but they will cover you up. Tankini tops are available in non-ruched types.

    • Anonymous

      J Crew has some one-pieces without ruching. Carve Designs has some non-ruched tankinis and one-pieces.

    • anon in brooklyn

      My tankini is from Athleta, and I’ve seen some cute ones at Prana too.

    • highlander

      Carve Designs has a lot of great athletic suits, many of which are carried by Title Nine.

    • anon

      Athleta, especially the bra-sized tankini tops. (I find that their one-pieces are not all that supportive.)

    • FP

      I just ordered a suit from nani swimwear and love it. Not revealing and great for activity. And, woman owned!

    • EJF

      I love a long sleeve rash guard. I’ve gotten them from JCrew and Athleta. Sun protection and less likely to have a wardrobe malfunction while swimming/playing in the pool with my kids.

    • Mouse

      Swimsuits For All has a large selection with all kinds of coverage. They also allow you to buy different sizes on top and bottom for two-pieces.

    • Anon

      I actually have had good luck with cute 1 piece swim suits from Vineyard Vines (Sconset cut) and from Trina Turk.

    • Anon

      Some of the bra brands make bra size fitted pieces. This is good for staying covered up. I have two tankinis like this. Got to the website of a bra seller like her room or bare necessities and you’ll find them. I’ve never had an issue with ruching on them.

    • Anonme

      Dolfin Uglies – I first stumbled upon them when visiting a resort in CO that unexpectedly had an indoor pool and my kids wanted to swim but I didn’t pack my suit (I usually throw a suit in just in case and did for everyone but me). They have fun patterns, are sturdy, and keep everything in place. The patterns also serve to deflect/detract without ruching or embellishments. They sold them at the pool gift shop (They also have 2 piece suits with good coverage but I’ve only worn the one pieces) . You can find them online from major retailers and the price is under $50.

  14. Anon

    My favorite thing about RTO is the fashion! I started at this job 6 months ago during voluntary return, and I’ve always been in a few days a week because I hate wfh. My office went RTO for everyone last week and I’m loving seeing the work outfits. I’m at a huge company with some teams being very casual and some teams in suits, but most people being some level of bis cas. I just went to get coffee and saw a few incredible outfits, it’s inspiring me to step up my game!

    • Cb

      It’s so true! I don’t see my colleagues often (academics and our departmental meetings are still online) but it’s been fun to see what my students are wearing and doing. Super 90s, random American university sweatshirts (I work in Northern Ireland), baggy light jeans, some mullets. I was travelling at the weekend and the women were basically wearing strips of fabric on their night out and then I spotted a woman in a juicy couture tracksuit, with the bedazzled Juicy across the bum, which I never thought we’d see again.

      • Ribena

        I’m in Newcastle this weekend. Can’t wait to see what the night-out fashion is.
        (For international context – Newcastle in the NE of England is famously a city where the residents commit to their party outfits and do not wear coats even if it’s snowing).

        • Cb

          I was in York and it was BANANAS! Midday on Sunday and my mom and I just sat on the cafe terrace AGAPE.

        • Anon

          This is not what PBS led me to think England would be like. Like it would be all Hyacinth Bucket and Dowager Countess everywhere along with cooking staff and serving job people. This is more . . . Trainspotting? Johnny Rotten?

          • Ribena

            If I tell you that our version of Jersey Shore is Geordie Shore… (and a Geordie is someone from Newcastle)

          • Anon

            I’ve been to Liverpool over a weekend and apparently that is the go-to for “hen parties” and I will just say Vegas has nothing on them.

    • Anon

      Now I am really worried. I have forgotten how to dress/accessorize myself during the past 2+ years. I presumed this would be true for everyone else in my workplace, so I would not stand out. If everyone else has their style game on, I am in big trouble (visible job, public meetings with hundreds of people).

      • Anon

        Op here, there are plenty of people who don’t look fantastic (I’d say they’re the vast majority). I’ve probably passed 50 coworkers today and only 2 outfits stood out to me.

        I’ve only gotten into fashion during the pandemic and my last job was known for being unfashionable so the good outfits just stick out more to me now :)

  15. Anon

    Anyone have experience with an estranged parent (many years estranged) reaching out in an attempt to reconnect when you prefer the lack of contact remain permanent? Life has been so much better and less toxic without them in it at all, and I have no desire to accommodate their drama or rehash the long-buried past in even the smallest of ways.

    • Anon

      Yes. Lots of alcoholism in my family – I’ve had more than one who got to the “make amends” step of AA and reached out wanting to ask forgiveness and restart a relationship. Some I’ve ignored entirely, some I’ve responded to angrily, and some I’ve been willing to at least hear them out.

      You have no obligation to maintain a relationship with this person – if you can’t imagine interacting in a way that won’t be toxic to you or won’t trigger memories you’ve worked hard to move past, you have my permission to completely ignore them. If you parent has gone through therapy and done any personal reflection and growth, they should respect that response.

      If they don’t, a ‘f*ck off, I don’t want to talk to you now or ever’ should hopefully suffice.

    • Anon

      It’s pretty easy to just keep ignoring them. It’s harder to presume that people could grow or change. You only get one set of parents, I’d consider at least hearing them out. You can always stop contact if it doesn’t go well.

      • Anon

        Do you really have experience with this? It’s actually amazing to me how making space for contact from estranged family can seem to undo years of work in therapy. I feel awful for people who decided to “hear them out” and then symptoms like nightmares that had been gone for decades came right back. I would consider this a much higher stakes decision, and I wouldn’t suspect much growth or change in an estranged family member who was cavalier about reinitiating contact.

        • Monday

          +1. I also don’t think it’s fair to say it’s “easy to just keep ignoring them.” There is nothing easy about cutting off a parent, and the only people I know who have done it (or are at a severe arm’s length from their parents) agonized about it for years beforehand. Not to mention the trauma of whatever happened in the first place that led to estrangement.

          If just “hearing them out” at any given time carried no risks, the estrangement wouldn’t have happened in the first place. I agree that them being nonchalant about getting in touch is a red flag–if they’d changed, they would be a lot more concerned about whether you wanted to hear from them, and not causing any harm.

      • Anon

        I hate this advice so much. Please stop giving it, it’s terrible. If the only thing you have to say is “bUt ThEy’Re FaMiLy” then please just do not say anything at all.

      • Anon

        Huh? Clearly you’ve never been estranged from a parent if you think it is “easy” to ignore them. This is a bad take. OP should engage or not to the extent it makes them feel safe and comfortable.

    • Anon

      I got one call from my estranged father a few months after my child was born. I let it go to voicemail and in the course of the message he went from sad to sarcastic to bitter to angry to yelling, so it was pretty easy to not return the call and block him.

      Unless you have actual evidence that this person legitimately changed (i.e. an addict who is far into recovery), I would just not respond, block and move on.

    • Dr. The Original ...

      Yep. I ignore it via email and social media and block the accounts. When it happened once via phone, I answered and the person spoke, so it went like this,

      me: hello?
      them: hi honey!
      me (realizing it’s them): hello? uh hello? ugh, this bad connection! -hung up

      They didn’t call back. I stopped answering unknown numbers. I figured this kept from a confrontation or a conversation and didn’t give them ammo to bad mouth me to others and make others ask me about it.

      I continue to do this and will continue to do this for forever. No contact, no conversation, no confrontation, no chance. If you want to discuss more or have a friend who truly understands this, email any time!

    • Anon

      Yep. Their manner of reaching out indicates that they really have not changed; they are controlling, vain people who are more interested in having me under their thumb and “the perfect family” than looking in the mirror and taking responsibility for the hideous way they treated me.

    • anonshmanon

      this may be entirely naive of me, and feel free to dismiss. But if the reaching out is via text and in the spirit of making amends (ie. there has to be at least an admission that past interactions were hard on you), then you could text back something like “Thanks for saying that. I have tried to move on with my life. If you want what’s best for me, then we should remain no-contact, thanks for understanding.” and then block.

      • Monday

        I agree with this. Also, if you’re curious and in a place to handle it, you can monitor to see if they keep attempting to contact you against your wishes (or have someone else monitor for you). That may tell you whether there’s even any hope of a respectful relationship in the future.

    • Anon

      Do what makes sense for you and ignore anyone who tries to make you second-guess your decision. I married / divorced an alcoholic in my early 20’s, and for years my mom maintained a friendly relationship with him and encouraged me to ‘hear him out’ or ‘give him another chance.’ It was hard enough to have to move past the toxic relationship with him … getting guilt about it from my mom, who should have been supporting me, was the worst.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. I have experience with this. But in my case the parent was mostly just distant and neglectful rather than deeply harmful and toxic and it is clear that my experience is not what the “no contact brigade” here finds acceptable to discuss.

      • Anon

        This. I’m also quite a bit older than I think the no contact brigade is here, and I can tell you that your parents are people, too. People change and have regrets. Not everyone, but a lot do. You may regret not making amends before they die.

    • S

      There are a lot of people here who seemed pained even beyond reason (so you’re checking if they reach out to you so you can punish them for reaching out to you, but if they don’t reach out to you, you’re….?).

      I do not have this dynamic with a parent, and I can’t even imagine how hard that is. However, i do have the dynamic with a sibling. Not having him in my life is unbelievably painful and yet having him in my life was unbelievably painful. He has treated me in ways that are horrible and I will never forgive. My life does have a lot less drama and pain and bullying without him in it, and I get angry when my mom wants to relay any news of what he is up to. (My dad has passed but when he was around, he did a good job at respecting me without news and having her do the same. For what it’s worth, he was estranged from him for a number of years as well). I suspect my brother is just as happy with the current situation. But if he ever were to reach out, the only way I would even remotely consider reconnecting would be in a room with just us and a trained therapist that had no prior connection to either of us. And even then I’m not certain. The reality is that there is no good option. I have cancer, and it has given me a lot more thoughts on death. And I realized the other day that I will probably go to my death (hopefully not soon) without speaking to him and that will make me sad but still be OK. Most days I don’t even think about our relationship anymore unless it comes up awkwardly in conversation (nothing worse than being a a doctor’s appointment and being asked about sibling health and not knowing). I regret I won’t have a relationship with his kids. But I don’t regret not feeling upset and angry over slight after slight the way I used to. Ironically, seeing how he treated my husband was what finally clued me in to no longer accepting it for myself. So, not sure if it is helpful, but perhaps try to think of yourself as someone else–what advice would you give a good friend or a spouse in this situation? Chances are it’s the call that is right for you.

      One other thing: For what it’s worth, I also think the 12 steps where it pushes for making amends is disgusting. I had a prior boyfriend years ago reach back out to me as he was getting his life together. All it did was alert me to wrongs I had either not known about or forgotten about. It made me feel like his victim all over again and was completely upsetting. If this is what is motivating, run don’t walk away from the attempt to connect. I think people in that place are motivated for selfish reasons. It’s about their recovery and nothing to do with you and your needs.

    • Anonymous

      Please ignore them. I hadn’t seen my father from the age of 15 until a few months ago, when we both had to sign some legal paperwork. I’m 38. During the 20 minutes together, he brought his new wife and kids and expected me to be excited to “meet my siblings”. He was abusive physically, verbally, and abused alcohol. He wanted to play the happy family and it was just gross. I hope for his sake he has changed, but I don’t need that in my life in case he hasn’t.

  16. Dry Face Skin

    My skin is flaking off my face. I’ve used some Burts Bees masks, upped my water intake and moisturizers that usually do the trick. How do I (gently) get the flakiness off?? I feel like I need a scrub of some kind. SOS, help!!

    • Anon

      When this happens to me, the answer is usually to stop doing anything to my face at all. I have really sensitive skin and most stuff just irritates it, even a lot of moisturizers.

    • anon

      Yeah, I’m guessing it’s not actually dry skin but that you need an exfoliant of some kind. I like the Pixi toners for this purpose.

    • Lily

      No scrubs!!! Use a gentle toner to get the flakes off, then moisturize like crazy.

    • Anon

      Burts bees is awesome for lips, but their facial products have all been way too harsh for my sensitive skin. Even the ones marketed for sensitive skin.

      • Anon

        This is my experience with Burt’s Bees facial stuff as well. It all caused this kind of flaky skin peeling reaction the OP described.

    • Anon

      I’m always flaking from tretinoin. My routine:

      1. Put oil cleanser on dry skin. Rub in gentle circles for several minutes. The flakes will start to ball up.
      2. Get in a lukewarm shower and wash away the oil and flakes with a cream cleanser. If you still feel flaking or peeling on clean wet skin, you can either leave it alone (if you have very sensitive skin) or gently rub with a clean washcloth.
      3. Apply a serum on wet skin and let it air dry, then follow up in 15-20 minutes with a cream moisturizer.
      4. For bonus points, slug before bed. Wash, moisturise, apply a thin screen of petroleum jelly to the flakiest parts. Wash away in the morning. Wear junky pyjamas and use a junky pillowcase.

    • Anonymous

      Exfoliate with the Tinkle razor, then moisturize with Josie Maran argan oil.

    • Anon

      A few years ago, my skin started flaking but wasnt dry, and the thing that helped me was the M-61 power glow peels from Blue Mercury. They’re a chemical exfoliator. I use them 2-3 times a week now and havent had the flaking issue since!

    • Anonymous

      I normally exfoliate with St. Ives Acne Control Apricot Face Scrub and then moisturize.

      • Anon

        Yea the apricot face scrub isn’t good for your face! If anything, I’d use it in my body. Definitely never face!!!

    • HFB

      When this happened to me it turned out to be sebhorretic dermatitis (basically dandruff on your face). Most creams and other treatments will actually aggravate it. I have prescription creams I use occasionally for flares. Also wiping down with warm salt water is surprising soothing and kind of exfoiliating. Otherwise I wash with diluted dandruff shampoo alternating with cetaphil.

      • Anonymous

        Same. If you suspect seborrheic dermatitis it is well worth a trip to the dermatologist.

    • Don’t scrub!

      Most derms will tell you that you just need to moisturize and skip any actives until it lets up. So no exfoliating either chemically or physically until it’s better or you could make it worse!

  17. Anon

    As someone who (among many others here) really struggles with motivation and getting work done, being in the office is a game changer.

    My job is hybrid (3 days in the office, 2 days wfh) but I’m starting to think I need to come in 4 or even 5 days a week.

    As much as I’d love to be able to skip my commute,) have the opportunity to throw in a load of wash between meetings, or work in soft pants, I just don’t think the wfh environment is for me!

    Caveat: the first 18 months of the pandemic I was an essential worker and was in person or hybrid. Started a new job 6 months ago that was remote and is no hybrid and it’s not for me

    • anon

      i have the opposite problem. i get nothing done on in office days because of how much socializing is done. i get that’s part of the job but ugh.

      • Anon

        Same. I wish I was hybrid so I can lean in to the socializing/mentoring aspects of work on my days in and have focused quiet time on WFH days.

      • No Face

        Same. I’ve had great conversations and multiple cups of coffee this morning. I have billed 0.0 hours.

    • Anon

      Same. Plus, I feel like “successful career person” in an office vs shuffling around my messy house in sloppy home clothes. It’s like method acting.

    • Anon

      I was at home for 18 months while our schools (and only our county public schools, not the public schools in surrounding counties or any private / religious / charter schools) refused to open and our summer camps largely cancelled on us. I could WFH if I were home alone, but not while doing mom duty and school proctoring and being their tech support and the lunch lady / pantry manager. I think I have PTSD from it and now loathe working at home except for bits of work in the evenings most days or totally alone and no more than once a week.

    • Anon

      Agreed, I love being in the office and I’m so much more productive when I’m surrounded by other people working (I always had to do all of my HW and studying in the library in college for the same reason).

      I have two friends whose companies gave up their offices and everyone is now fully remote. They hate it and are both job searching for hybrid/in person jobs.

    • anon

      It’s not for me, either, and in theory, I’m the type of person who “should” like working from home (introvert with school-age kids). I absolutely hated it. I like having one day a week at home, but I am so much happier with some separation between my home space and my workspace. I was never able to replicate that while working from home.

      • Anon

        Yes. I long resisted the home office and then 2020 came and laughed at me (office = my half of a queen-sized bed). I still hate the idea of it. Home is my sanctuary.

      • Anon

        Same – introvert with young kids – but I don’t work as well at home. I went from ‘hate’ to ‘tolerate’ (hate was during the schools are all closed phase, so, duh) but I can’t wait to go back in to an office. I spent 15 years working my way into the type of management role that requires me to wear something other than sweatpants every day – I always viewed dressing up in work clothes as a privilege that I’d earned, not a chore that I tolerated.

    • Anon

      I wish people understood this better. I’m a machine when I WFH; my productivity is better and I’m a million times happier. Other people are the opposite and the ideal situation is for people to find what works best for them.

    • Senior Attorney

      I totally get it. I was an essential worker so I went to the office every day of the pandemic with the exception of maybe a week at the very beginning. Even though I mostly sat in my office all alone for months on end, I was so grateful to be able to get up and leave the house every day and largely keep my routines intact.

  18. Anon

    Ugh. Is rayon especially good for grabbing onto oily stains and not letting go? I don’t use that much lotion or salad dressing but my pants are getting some dark spots on them that didn’t come out in the wash. Pretreat with Dawn? Ammonia? I hate laundry pellets sometimes b/c I can’t just pour on the filthiest thing (I guess I could pop them?).

      • Senior Attorney

        I just learned this on here recently and it’s been a game-changer! Woo hoo!!

      • Anon

        +4 I keep a bottle next to my laundry basket and treat oily stains right away.

        Pre treat visible spots with the Dawn. If you’re using fabric softener, stop. That can leave behind greasy looking stains. Put cheap white vinegar in your fabric softener dispenser. Put a scoop of oxy clean with your laundry detergent. This should do it.

    • Coach Laura

      I know people like Dawn but I swear by De-solv-it which is a citrus oil-based organic/safe cleaner. It gets out oil and a lot of other things. I get at amazon or at a hardware or drug store.

  19. Dr. The Original ...

    Okay, so one of my current goals is to make more of an effort to make more new friends and to be more open to being set up on dates. Am currently in the Miami, FL area but am open to Zoom friends/dates too.

    If anyone here wants a new friend (or an IRL friend since I feel like we’re all already friends here), let’s be friends! Or if anyone has a single/divorced/widowed guy in their life who might be someone to set me up with (seeking 30-49, not seeking someone to have kids with, supportive of a woman with a PhD, liberal views), let’s discuss!
    Please email any time! IAmAnEpicWarrior at the mail of g.

    (no harm in trying, right?! and this is my 2nd attempt since I posted on holiday weekend and few saw it- thanks to those who did and encouraged me to repost though, I appreciate you!!)

    • Coach Laura

      I wish I had a guy but I like your post. My daughter is similar age and looking and I hope people in her life are supportive. It’s amazing how many guys she matches with that want a stay-at-home wife – and it’s crazy when her post lists that she is getting a doctorate and is liberal.

    • wet.ink.sigs

      I had this same goal and started doing Bumble BFF last fall. I was pretty self-conscious about it at the time but am so glad I did it. Now ~6 months later, I have 3 awesome new friends who I see regularly and plug substantive gaps that existed in my friends group (e.g., none of my other friends are into strenuous hikes but some of these new friends love them). It’s very much a crapshoot like actual dating, but worth a try imo!

  20. Anonymous

    Has anyone bought a laptop lately and if so what did you get? My work recently blocked all personal email so now I want a laptop to occasionally do things that I probably should have been doing on a personal computer anyway (like signing stuff for my CPA, my personal email doesn’t contain anything that my employer doesn’t have access to anyway). I suppose I could just start using my work email for this stuff. I don’t want to spend a lot of money, and I’m not excited about apple products. Recommendations?

    • anonshmanon

      if you really just want email and very occasionally, you could also look at tablets. Some come with a detachable keyboard.

    • LawDawg

      If you don’t really need a laptop, but want a better way to handle more text-y things, buy a Bluetooth keyboard. I have a Logitech one that I use with my phone and iPad (it can connect to 3 different devices). I pull it out if I need to respond to a post like this one or if I need to send a long email. And it is small and weighs next to nothing for travel.

      • Ribena

        I have this Logitech keyboard too I think – the K380. I bought it in pink to cheer myself up in March/April 2020. I use it with both my work and personal laptops and my (personal) tablet. All my personal devices are Apple though which doesn’t help the OP.

      • OP

        I have a tablet but sometimes (rarely but significantly) I need word processing and PDFs and file storage that I think I need a laptop for. The CPA was the most recent but think like – storing mortgage docs, editing my resume, stuff like that.

        • Anonymous

          I’ve started storing copies on the cloud (google drive, dropbox, etc.). This allows me to access my docs across platforms like my laptop and phone and reduces the storage capacity I need on my personal laptop.

    • anonymous

      I recently got the Lenovo Yoga. It’s a convertible laptop with a touch screen. I used to have old, slow desktop so this is a huge improvement. I got it from Best Buy.

    • Anon

      I have a Mac book because it synchs up with my iPhone and my iPad.

      For my business I have a dell vostro notebook + external keyboard, mouse, and monitor.

    • Anon

      So not a great idea because it defeats their purpose, but can you sign off the vpn and still check your personal email on your work computer? Usually blocking is done via the corporate network so only connecting to your home wifi would avoid that. Unless you work in an office of course.

      • OP

        Hmmm I’m currently at home and connected to my home wifi and my Gmail is blocked. Is there another step I should take?

  21. Anon

    Looking for recommendations for carpet. Main consideration is that we have a dog. Thanks.

    • Anon

      Does your dog eat things he shouldn’t? Vomit? Chew? Have GI issues? Shed? I would lean towards a Ruggable or Flor tiles. NOT SEAGRASS! We had a GI issue on it and a large rug is too large to clean easily and may not clean at all if highly textured. :(

      • Anon

        My dog does not eat non-food items and isn’t a destroyer or chewer. Time to time she does get GI issues when she eats things like sidewalk pizza or donuts on our walks. She does shed.
        Thank you for the recommendation!

    • Anon

      OP here, I was not clear about my request. I am looking for wall to wall carpets for the entire house, not area carpets/rugs.

      • Anon

        Ick, why? It’s about the same price to put in wood floors (many options there). If you’re going to do your floors why do something that lowers resale, especially with pets.

      • Cat

        why carpet with pets? That much fabric will absorb all the pet odors, etc, rather than you being able to wipe up any accidents easily!

        • Anon

          My husband is hearing impaired and wears hearing aids. Houses that have hardwood are way too loud for him and actually painful. We have to have carpets. The ones have now were installed by the previous owner have lasted 7 years with annual cleaning and vacuuming being done every other day.

        • Anon

          OP : My pet only goes into this one area in our house when she is having GI issues (maybe once every 4 months) and we have put in a really huge mat that is easy to clean in that area.

      • Anotheranon

        No advice but commiseration over the annoyance of people who cannot believe a grown woman actually knows what she wants and feel the need to explain to you what you should want instead.

        • Cornellian

          Agreed. I hate carpets but can trust that a grown woman know what she wants.

  22. Anonymous

    No more masks mandates on public transportation! Zero countries on the do not travel list! Yay! It’s finally over!

    • Cat

      ….except that you have to test negative to travel to many destinations. I’ll be KN95’ing it up as needed so I don’t ruin my vacations!

    • Anon

      was wearing a mask on public transportation really that big of a deal for you? if yes, you are lucky to lead such a privileged life. i dont like wearing a mask at all, but wearing one in places where immunocompromised people have to go seems like not at all a big deal. also, most medical professionals are still wearing masks 24/7 and they rarely wore them pre- covid.

      • Anonymous

        How does privilege come into play here? It’s a great concept but it doesn’t apply in every single c9ntext.

    • Anon

      covid still messed up my family passover plans, which typically involves families flying in from all over the country gathering together, but with so many kids under 5, multiple pregnant women and then the host recently being diagnosed with cancer and having surgery scheduled for this week not being able to risk exposure, gathering was out. it wasn’t always like this before big surgeries. when my mom had brain surgery, one of her last outings before the surgery was the passover seder so she could see everyone and have the family support.

      • Anon

        I’m sorry that happened to you. It sucks that wearing a mask in public is such a big deal to people that they won’t mask up for the safety of your family members.

  23. anon for this

    Rashguards – how do you wear them? Last summer I pulled one on over my tankini top but it felt heavy – like I was wearing too many layers. Do I need a bikini for this? Or just pull it on over a one-piece (I do not currently have a one-piece that fits). Yes I am overthinking this but I cant’ figure out how to look cute in a rashguard and not like I’m wearing a million layers.

    • Anon

      I wear if I’m swimming on a very hot day (otherwise you will chill quickly) or if I’m not swimming but am in the sun. Prefer bikini unless I’m putting RG off and on. Have done with tankini also. Over a one-piece is good if you have a strong bladder — otherwise, I’ve found it hard to peel off two layers esp if wet :(

    • Anonymous

      I wear it over a bikini top at the beach. Seriously life changing. No sunburns! No worries about a bikini top coming off or popping out of my top when a big wave comes! I take it off once I’m out of the water and hang it to dry on my chair.

    • Cat

      Depends on the rashguard. Lightweight styles like Lands End are easier to layer over any suit. Super fitted ones – like wetsuit style – I don’t like for the reason you mentioned.

      • Anonymous

        I prefer the super fitted ones over a bikini top. The looser ones float up in the water, and two layers of wet swimsuit fabric are cold and uncomfortable.

    • Anon

      I would normally never wear a bikini top (my squishy stomach is not something I like to display) but I bought one to wear under my rashguard. Works great. I have already had several moles frozen off of my shoulders and back, and do not care to contribute to the sun damage that’s already happened and could actually kill me, eventually, if I don’t stay on top of my mole checks. TBH, going forward I may be the person at the beach in the rash guard and “swim leggings” and a big hat, and I will be unapologetic about it.

    • Anon

      I only wear rash guards when surfing. I think they’re uncomfortable t just wear (especially when they’re wet!). Even kayaking/paddle boarding I’ll just wear a regular shirt. If I’m on the beach but don’t want sun I just leave my coverup on.

    • Anon

      I wear a sports bra under mine. (Mainly because I have plenty laying around and wasn’t particular about them getting wet.)

      • Senior Attorney

        Same here — lightweight unconstructed sports bra under tight-fitting rash guard.

    • Anonymous

      I wear a fitted rashguard no other top over bikini bottoms, but I’m kinda into braless anyway and don’t need a lot of support.

    • Anon

      I have a whole swimming system because I am large and large of bust. I have a cup sized swim bra meant to be worn under a tankini top. When I’m not swimming I pull off the tankini top and pull on the rash guard. I also put shorts on over my bathing bottoms.

      My swim pieces from Elomi, rash guard from Eddie Bauer, shorts from random Amazon brand (but they are specifically swim shorts)

    • Anon

      I wear a sports bra – the fabric is the same as a bikini top but they’re more comfortable.

    • Anon

      We’ve realized that we aren’t fancy mattress people. We bought a mattress at Big Lots for our beach house and put an egg crate topper on it, and liked it so much, we bought a second for our main house when it was time for a new mattress. You can test the mattresses in store and they have sales every quarter or so, so keep an eye out.

    • Bonnie Kate

      We really like the ZINUS 12 Inch Cloud Memory Foam Mattress that Amazon carries. We bought it when we moved a few years ago and needed something fast and inexpensive, and we’ve moved it with us because we like it so much. We were in a weird situation for a couple months during one move where we didn’t use it (it would have been in storage) and we actually let some friends use it to try it out and they really liked it too. We bought another one for our guest bedroom last year.

      • Anon

        I have this one and it’s fine but it’s nearing the end of its life and it’s not that old.

    • Anon

      In grad school, I went with the famous Zinus green tea foam mattress from Amazon. It’s very, very comfy, and I can’t bring myself to get rid of it even though we now have a fancy queen mattress that sleeps cooler and is also very comfortable. Also a side sleeper.

      I never unzipped the cover so cannot speak to fiberglass issues some people have reported w/that brand.

    • Ribena

      Not sure how much they cost these days but I am a heavy side sleeper and adore my Casper. I’ve had it 3+ years and I now understand what people mean when they say they are looking forward to getting back to their own bed after a trip, which I never understood before.it does however have a bit of a dip in the middle from having slept in it mostly alone for those 3 years which now I have a boyfriend is a little bit annoying.

    • Anon

      Consider getting a floor model at a mattress store. They go for a third of the price.

  25. Anonymous

    Question and vent- what is a typical number of showings for a rental that you’re vacating? I’ve had over 15 showings over the last month. Today, a broker rescheduled after not showing up Saturday. I buzzed her in, and she never came up the stairs, so I walked down 4 flights to see what was up. She was waiting in the entryway for her client. I went back upstairs. 30 minutes go by, no one comes up to see the unit. I walked down again, and she is gone without informing me.

    I WFH and find these showings to be annoying and disruptive. I have to tidy the house in the AM in addition to the visit itself, when I stop any work, turn on all the lights, light a candle, put my dog on her leash, make her sit on the couch…

    I’m not selling this place. I’m a renter. My lease is very vague about this point (accomodating showings), but I’m sick of the parade of people coming through seemingly without end. Not to mention that about 5 or 6 appointments have simply never showed up, which means I’m stuck at home (often on a weekend) waiting for someone who never comes.

    • Anonymous

      Lololol don’t do any of that. You don’t have to do anything at all. Sit there working with your dog.

      • Senior Attorney

        Agree. As long as the place is reasonbly tidy, you’ve done your job.

    • No Face

      I did not do any of that when I was a renter, and you really don’t need to either. Leash your dog when someone is actually walking through the door, but otherwise live your life normally.

    • Anon

      Agree – I think accommodating showings just means you have to agree to let them come into your place but that doesn’t mean that you have to be the one to let them in. The owner could do that. I would not try to help out.

    • No Problem

      I did this in the last rental I vacated and I showed it to a grand total of 3 parties. All were in the evening after work, 2 were back to back. My landlord was very clear with the prospective renters that I was doing him a favor and to be respectful of my time (this was during covid, so he didn’t want to add himself to the number of people traipsing through my space). I don’t have a dog, but the only things I did to prep were to make my bed, make sure all the laundry was in the closet, close my work computer and notebook on the desk so no one could see confidential work stuff, and do the dishes so the kitchen was reasonably clean. If I were you, I would let the landlord know that you’ve been extremely accommodating but can’t do random showing times any more. Set a couple more blocks of time when you can show it and that’s it. Hopefully you are moving out soon.

    • Cat

      Don’t go to any extra effort for showings unless they’re doing YOU a favor (like you want to break your lease early), girl! I mean out of personal comfort I would stash anything personally embarrassing away, but special cleaning or scents or lighting? NFW.

    • Anonymous

      OP here- thanks for the reality checks! I’ve never had to show apartments before. I suspect the reason the company hasn’t rented it yet is due to the high rent for a 4th floor walkup. The list price is almost $700 more than what I currently pay.

  26. Anon

    Does anyone have a wedding day-of coordinator to recommend in NYC? My wedding is in 3 months and I’m starting to freak out about managing all the details — I’m not great at party planning and hosting makes me really anxious. I emailed a few people recommended by my venue, but at least one is already fully booked for this year.

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