Splurge Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Max Mara

215 Comments

1. I need advice on protecting my limited vacation time from my overbearing family. I’m starting out in my field and accrue vacation time each month. I made the mistake of explaining to my family (in the context of new job chitchat) how much vacation I get and how it works. They seem to think this means I will use my vacation time as soon as I get it, and that I will only use it for family events. There are a LOT of family events, so even if I used every scrap of my vacation I wouldn’t be able to attend them all, not to mention that my boss probably wouldn’t be too pleased that her new employee is burning through vacation as fast as she earns it. Also, I want to be able to use vacation for non-family stuff at some point. My family seems to think that if I take a day off for a long weekend with friends, I’m somehow stealing that day away from a family event I could’ve used the vacation time to attend. Any advice on handling this?

   1. I come from a very people pleasing background and had to learn how to set boundaries. As a non-confrontational person, it’s easier to do it in stages.
      I’d first start by booking the extended weekend with friends, taking it then telling family “Sorry, I can’t attend aunt Saida’s 3rd wedding because I already used up my vacation days, it was awesome, let me show you pics.”
      Second stage would be to use work as an excuse : “sorry, things are a bit hectic, yes I am technically entitled to vacation days but that week is a no do for me, I’d be letting the team down.
      Last stage is to explicitly say I’d rather be doing something else. I’d do it first with low stake family events, then as I build the muscle, position my decisions as for info not for negotiation or emotional blackmail.

   2. Stop telling them anything. That’s #1. If they ask, you deflect. You are under no obligation to tell them anything about how you’re spending your personal time.

   3. “They seem to think this means…” Who is “they” and what has “they” said that makes you think this?

      For example, has your mother, father, sister said something explicitly, or are you reading between the lines based on how you know your family operates?

      I guess my thought is that this isn’t really about vacation. It’s about you, as an adult, and how spending time together is done in your family.

      If you’re going to go against the family norm, the biggest thing you’ll need to learn is how to be OK even when they are unhappy with you. And how to be kind while you do it.

      1. To add to this…prepare yourself for the fact that they WILL be unhappy with you, at least at first. But then they’ll likely get over it and hold to your boundary. But it will be uncomfortable at first. Stand firm! You deserve your own life!

      2. Just to add a note from the other side. If you’re just starting out, I’m guessing you’re young, and this is the first time you’ve been making adult plans apart from your family’s plans? If so, recognize that this is a big shift for your family as well, and a loss for them. I’ve seen mothers grieve when they “lose” their adult children to adult interests and spouses. The mothers understand, but it doesn’t keep them from being sad and feeling lonely when all the family is there …except for the one child who isn’t. It’s a loss.

         1. +1 It doesn’t mean you don’t make your own plans, just recognize that your family are allowed to have their own emotions, and what you do affects them. Make your own plans, but don’t expect emotional calm.

         2. Yes, it’s a loss, but the parents should be managing it themselves, not putting that guilt onto OP.

            OP – yes you need to set boundaries with your family. It’ll be horribly tough, but you’ll be better for it. (And if you have younger siblings or cousins, they’ll appreciate you paving the way.)

            One suggestion if it will work for you – first, use the “vacation culture” at your job as an excuse. “Oh, no one at my company does it that way and they’ll actually think less of me professionally if I do. Sorry!” and then talk about how people DO use their vacation in a week block, so “why don’t we plan one last trip together as a family?” Talk up how you want to do one week together as your final hoorah. You use one week for this this year, but then in future years you can say “Oh yeah that last family trip was awesome! So glad we could do that! I’m looking forward to my own trip to X this year!” The hard part will be sticking to that one trip and not doing it again the following year, so you’ll have to stay strong.

            1. Eh, good advice generally, but don’t recommend she pushes the emotional decision here to her work. Own it! Even if everyone at work does it this way, she doesn’t want to, and she doesn’t have to.

         3. +100
            My daughter just got a real full time job, 2 weeks after uni graduation
            My head knows she wants to visit friends and other countries with her tiny vacation allotment but my heart wants her home on my couch

   4. Assuming you accrue a few hours of vacation time per pay period, it really doesn’t add up that fast. Depending on how many hours your getting, it’s maybe 6-8 hours per month? I would do a little planning around this. Also think about whether your policy separates vacation and sick days, or lumps it all together. If the latter is the case, you need to save at least a couple days for routine appointments and you know, actually being sick.
      What family events do you absolutely want to attend this year? Will you need to use vacation days for these? What non-family trips/vacations/long weekends are non-negotiable? Sketch these things out, even if they’re just penciled in for now, and leave yourself a day or two for spontaneous leave or to take a self-care day if you need one.
      When you communicate with your family, try to say no while saying yes to something else “unfortunately, I can’t make it this weekend because I have a big work project due X day but I can’t wait to see you at the big wedding next month!”

   5. Plan to see your family! “Yes! I’m really looking forward to seeing you AT CHRISTMAS. The 21st through 26th. No, it just won’t work for me to be able to see you sooner, but when I’m there we can do x and y, and plan for the next reunion!”

      1. Yes, this! Tell them you’re sorry you can’t attend some of the upcoming events due to work but you will be at specific dates and events. I’ve used this one a lot and it helps to deflect the unhappy parents. I also emphasize that I can’t take off any other time because of the culture at work and I really want to make a good impression. Also, don’t tell your parents when you take a day off for a long weekend with friends.

         1. I think she should tell them and not feel guilty about it. Put some of the burden back on the family- I have a job and have to work, but you are welcome to hold an event near me, on the weekend, and I’ll be happy to go to it if I’m available.

      2. +1 In the meanwhile, offer to facetime them if they want to chat. Whenever they bring up wanting to see you, say that you’re looking forward to the plans that you have made to see them at X date and that you enjoy your facetime chats in the meanwhile. Just refuse to respond to the guilting. Refuse to make excuses. Instead say something positive.

   6. Depends on which camp of parents (I’m assuming its condoned / largely coming from your parents or they would have put a stop to this) yours are in –

      Camp 1) (Unfortunately not mine) You should set specific things that you will likely be at (ie tell them that you are coming for holiday x likely for y days now if you have a job where you can do that) and check in / have a conversation with your parents about how you really enjoy spending time with them but your new schedule / life in new city z means you can only make major holidays going forwards. These people tend to at least tolerate boundary setting – my husband’s parents are like this. He does x and y things and they have learned that that is what he will do and don’t bug him about it.

      Camp 2) (these are mine) There are parents for whom nothing but 100% of what they want is acceptable. For these people it is a power move / to “put you in your place” as a young person. I’ve no idea why I constantly had to go to everything at my parents house even when I was working 80 hours a week and my mother wasn’t working at all. Bonus points she lives in bumf*ck small town Connecticut convenient to nothing else 2.5 hours from any major city. We finally had it out one year because I was finally going to get 8ish days off at Christmas and was planning to split it up between her and my now husband. There was no compromise that was acceptable. Just be prepared if your family falls into this camp there is little other than total fealty they will accept and you have to decide whether subjugating your whole life to their desires is what you want to do. There is unfortunately no happy ending in my story.

      1. My parents are also in Camp 2 – still – and I am over 40 years old, married, and have two kids. I still get tons, and tons, of grief about not visiting them enough – nearly every week I get a call about it. It is a 12+ hour trip each way from my major city to their very remote location. Of course, both my husband and I work demanding jobs and my parents are retired. Last year we went to visit them over the Fourth of July because we both had multiple days around that off and the kids were obviously not in school. Yes, we took two small children on a trip with 3 flights and a long drive. The response: “Why did you come now? Nothing is open for us to go to because it is a holiday!” Talk about missing the point. This past spring, I paid for them to take a trip here so we didn’t have to do the trek – flights, hotel (our place is small), etc. Less than a month later, I got a call demanding I come and visit this summer (but not the Fourth when I have time off!), and when I said I cannot do that we’ll see you at the holidays, my mother cried and then screamed at me.

         And OP-If not clear, you have to set boundaries because no one else will. You shouldn’t have to spend all of your vacation time on your parents’ events if you don’t want to. You should be able to spend time with friends or an SO. But know you’ll get grief about it. And it may never get better and never go away, but you can probably learn to block it out – I have.

   7. I think we have the same mom.

   8. One more suggestion, if you put pictures of your vacations on social media, learn to create groups and do not share those photographs with your family. I have learned from watching my brother (who was the youngest and the closest to our father) that it helped enormously with the resentment that he did not come home more often (because he was “too busy with work”) when Dad did not have to keep seeing Facebook posts with pictures of the stuff he was doing with his then-girlfriend/now-wife’s family.

      And to be clear: I 100% supported his right to spend his long weekends and vacation time having fun with people who were much closer to where he lived and who actually did stuff on the weekends instead of just sitting around at home eating and watching sports on TV (and said so repeatedly)- I just got tired of listening to the parents complain abou tit.

   9. Thanks for all the responses! I do need to work on setting boundaries. I like the idea of saying directly “I won’t be there this weekend, but I’ll see you at X event!” or “I had a great time celebrating Y 2 weeks ago, but it’s not possible for me to come again so soon!”
      When I go home it’s a whole thing with parents and extended family as to who I see and what I do. One grandmother gets offended if I see the other grandmother and not her (they both live in Home State but are 4 hours apart from each other so it’s hard to see both in a weekend), mom and dad get offended if I spend too much time with grandparents and not with them, aunts and uncles comment on how they missed me so much at Aunt Judy’s annual Spring Brunch and I simply have to come back for her start of summer BBQ. I either spend the whole time running around fulfilling obligations, after which my parents say “you’ll have to come back soon to spend some quality time with us since you were so busy this weekend!” or I have a quiet visit with my parents and offend everyone else. Setting clear expectations will help with this, I hope!
      The social media suggestions are good too! I catch a lot of flack when I post anything that looks vacation-y without family involved.

   10. Suggested language: “I am not going to use my vacation time as soon as I have accrued it. It’s bad for my professional reputation, bad for any emergencies that come up, and bad for my psyche – I need more than three-day weekends. I will see you all in October.”

       Drawing boundaries for the first time is HARD. But it only gets a worse, so much worse, as you get older. I’m in my late 30s and pushing back on overbearing family for the first time. You would think that I am killing puppies for sport when I say things like it’s not appropriate to scream at me about my (totally normal) wedding choices, or that adults don’t get screamed at, period. But it’s slowly getting better, and I wish I had pushed back as a teenager.

2. Hi Ladies, I’m going to take a yoga class soon for the first time. What do I wear? I don’t want to invest in specific items to wear in the event I don’t like the class. Can you recommend what I can wear so that I don’t look like a total novice? I’m a runner so I have plenty of running clothing, but I don’t know if I can/should wear any of that. Also, what shoes do I wear? Or do I go barefoot? TIA!!!

   1. Running clothes are fine – you basically want leggings and a non-baggy top.

   2. Yoga is done barefoot. Wear leggings and a close-fitting top. You don’t want anything baggy because it will ride up when you’re bending over, etc, and you’ll give everyone in the class a show (ask me how I know). A headband is good to keep hair out of your eyes. People won’t care what you’re wearing, don’t worry. Good luck and have fun. I love yoga! Oh and bring a water bottle.

   3. No need to invest in anything specific. I usually wear leggings, a sports bra, and a tank top. I find it very helpful to bring a small towel or wash cloth to wipe my hands when things get sweaty. Do you have your own mat? Most studios have rental mats for a small fee if you don’t want to buy one yet.

      1. Also, I’ve seen some people wear special grippy socks at yoga, but most people do it barefoot.

      2. Also, if your studio has multiple kinds of mats available, test them by pulling on the corners and grab the one that’s least stretchy. Stretchy mats make it harder to keep your balance!

   4. Wear anything you like that won’t fall off you when you move around. Running clothes are fine, though keep in mind short, loose shorts may be a little exposing.

      1. Eh, I do a fair amount of yoga and running shorts work just fine. You may expose the liner, but that’s the kind of thing that just doesn’t bother me. No one else is/should be looking anyway. I frankly prefer calf-length leggings as it’s a bit easier to move. but running shorts are fine. Definitely wear a tighter top, not a t-shirt or loose singlet, unless you plan to tuck the top in.

         1. I mentioned that because it has happened to me. Not all shorts have liners.

   5. I both run and do yoga. Running shorts are totally fine. People do wear them. I personally find that I prefer leggings over running shorts for yoga because they allow greater freedom of movement in your hips than most running shorts, and because they soak up sweat. But they’re not at all necessary. Anything you can comfortably move and sweat in is fine.

3. I have three full days + one morning in Cape Cod coming up and want to ferry over to spend a day on either Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard. Which would you pick, and how would you spend a day on your preferred island?

   Other cape recommendations are welcome! I’m staying in Barnstable and will have a car. Unfortunately I’m allergic to shellfish/crustaceans so lobster rolls are out. I love antiques, lighthouses and historical places.

   1. We took the ferry to Nantucket for a day and really enjoyed it. It has a pretty bustling little downtown area, and quieter side streets. Everything we did was walkable, and we went to a pretty lighthouse near what I believe was a Coast Guard station. There are a ton of places to eat. We enjoyed lunch at a historic tavern (can’t recall the name but I know i had a burger) and bought some fudge. There are also a ton of candy shops and ice cream places. We spent our day walking, popping into the shops, taking pictures of the adorable buildings and streets, and eating.

      We finished the day at an outdoor bar near the ferry station. Overall, it was a really fantastic day.

      1. Sounds idyllic, thanks!

   2. Four Seas ice cream in Centerville! Hands down the best ice cream on the Cape, and possibly in the country, and their hot fudge (made with a secret recipe) should not be missed. I also really like Sandwich–the glass museum is quite fun, you can get a great little walk out to the tip of the jetty or along the boardwalk in the salt marshes (I also love kayaking or paddleboarding in the salt marshes at high tide), and there are a bunch of cute little antique shops in town. The Belfry is a nice restaurant, in an old church.

      1. I made a reservation at Belfry! Looks awesome.

   3. I prefer Martha’s Vineyard, but Nantucket is easier to do without a car. (You said you have a car, but doing the car ferry for a day trip seems like too much of a hassle.) On Nantucket, I’d plan on renting bikes and doing a nice ride on the bike paths before heading back to the main town for a late lunch and some shopping.

      1. I think this sounds like the best way to do it – I’ll have to make plans to return and spend a long weekend out on Martha’s a different time.

4. You need to tell your family when you will or won’t be at events firmly (e.g. “No, I won’t be at Beth’s wedding shower, but I’ve already let her know and sent a card.”), then let the chips fall where they may. Your family will not be cool with you doing what you want instead of what they want. You learning to be cool with that is part of becoming a full adult.

   1. Meant for No More Family Vacay above.

5. I am a junior associate in biglaw. I rarely see the head of my group (Partner X) because they travel a ton. My last two encounters with Partner X have been comically odd and I need a soundboard (or just other people to laugh with me).

   There have been two hallway crosses in the past 6 weeks, and these have been our only interaction. Both times, Partner X’s comments/body language indicated she either didn’t like or took issue with my outfit. Both times I was wearing a suit with a black blouse (not too far from today’s pick). The outfits consist of pants, heels, blazer, and black blouse.

   First encounter: I’m wearing a high neck loose black blouse under the rest of the outfit described above. We run into one another in the elevator bank. Partner X looks me up and down with wide eyes and says “you look…(2 second pause) nice?” with a furrowed brow. I said “thank you!” and tried to ignore the facial expression and hurried off to a meeting. I would’ve though nothing off it, but there was a repeat!

   Second encounter: I’m wearing a v neck black blouse with a textured pattern under the same suit above. We run into one another in a hallway with another associate. Partner X greets us and says hello and asks me how my work has been going. As I’m responding, the partner looks me up and down, shakes her head, and then turns her body to face the other associate and starts talking to them.

   Thoughts? I think this is hilariously odd but I’m not sure what to take from it, if anything? Both outfits were extremely modest so there is not an issue of being too revealing for the office. Also, if it matters, my heels were 3 inches. Is black on black offensive to some people? For greater context, my office ranges from full suit to business casual. Partner X wears pants and dresses, ranging from bright colors to black and navy sheath dresses.

   1. Any chance she’s worried you’re in mourning? If you’re in NYC, this is hilariously odd, because everybody wears black. If you’re not in NYC, well, maybe try adding a colorful necklace?

      1. If others in your office regularly wear a fair amount of color, it would be good if you could add some to your all black outfits. Statement necklaces or colored scarves are an easy add. Colored shoes may also be good as could a bag. Make your choices based on what you see others wearing

         1. I do wear a fair amount of color. I’d say that I do black on black maybe 2x/month, generally with a textured top or blazer. I’ve adapted to the overall dress code of my group. And I’m a big fan of colored heels/purses, which seems to be pretty common in my group.

         2. “Make your choices based on what you see others wear.” What? No. Make your choices based on what YOU like and what makes YOU feel good, while maintaining a level of appropriateness for your office. Color is a personal choice that you should make.

   2. Think about what she wears and that is probably her definition of conservative/tasteful dressing.

      Unless your clothes are inappropriately tight/sheer/loud it might just be a matter of taste for which- she can just deal with it.

      I had boss that didn’t like my colleague’s clothes and would make snarky remarks. It took one of her colleagues to finally say we all cannot afford to buy St John so maybe tone down the snark for the juniors in terms of clothing labels. That said, I do find that suits are slimmer fitting clothes- sometimes that may be a cue that dressing in tighter clothes is OK.

      1. I think it’s odd, too. I’m mainly unsure of how to handle this again. I’ve been acting as though I’m oblivious to her judgment, but I’m not sure if this is the best practice. It just seems so Regina George to me–to look a person up and down and then shake your head. I don’t know how to respond to it!

         1. As others have suggested, if you want to add color to your wardrobe that’s not a bad idea. I would otherwise completely ignore this. You’re interpreting her facial expressions and body language here rather than any actual words. Unless and until she uses words, you could be misinterpreting, especially given this is someone you, as you describe it, interact with extremely rarely. I’m not saying you’re wrong, but I am saying I would keep your mind open to the idea that you’re reading this wrong.

   3. That’s so weird. Is partner X male or female?

      1. female

   4. What was partner X wearing? Maybe she goes for more colors and finds black super boring? IDK those comments are not cool. Why does she care to scrutinize your outfit? You weren’t wearing anything offensive or revealing, so why does it matter to her?

      1. That’s what I think! I can’t figure out why my outfit would bother her. I think of it as on the boring and uncontroversial end of the spectrum. That said, she has displayed a negative reaction to it twice now, and she is my boss. Do I do anything different?

         1. Maybe try a blouse that isn’t black? Or a dress with a blazer instead of a suit? You don’t see her very often, I probably would keep wearing what you’ve been wearing tbh. Do you have another supervisor or mentor you can ask? Maybe Partner X does this to lots of people.

         2. Some people do not like black on black. I worked with a man who thought women shouldn’t wear black suits except at funerals just like men. I LOVED black on black on black forever, but did modify my wardrobe slightly. I wore my black blouses with black pants and contrasting blazers and contrasting blouses with my black suits, and I ended up liking it more than black and black so stuck with it. YMMV and if you love your black on black looks then just keep wearing them 2x per month.

   5. Could she think you look like you’re interviewing elsewhere?

      1. I don’t think so. Suits are not that uncommon in our office. More likely that I had a client meeting.

   6. What you were wearing is perfectly office appropriate unless 1) you actually work in a business casual office (ime almost all big law is some form of business casual now) and you haven’t gotten the memo/translated that into your wardrobe or 2) you look like Morticia Adams. It is very easy to look business appropriate and funereal/goth Mormon, which seems to be the looks you are describing.

      As others have recommended, just vary your wardrobe and color a bit. Even adding dark colors that vary will help break up the black on black look.

      1. +1. Maybe she thinks black on black is weird? I’d try wearing colored blouses (any color/print!).

   7. It’s a mind game to try to intimidate you. One of my old law partners used to do this all.the.time, even to her own partners. Don’t let her get to you.

      1. yeah some people are just a-holes, sadly :-/

   8. You’ve jumped to two big conclusions without a lot of evidence 1) It has something to do with black 2) It has something to do with what you’re wearing. I’d step back and wonder if it might be something else entirely. Is there any reason she might have been more generally annoyed? (Did she want a private conversation with someone else around? Did she think you should have been somewhere else/doing something else at that moment?) Is there any reason that her assessment of you more generally might be negative? (Did you upset any accounts that she is close with? If not, did you do something to upset someone working on an account she is close with? Did you beat out someone she’s close with for something valued?) Are your opinions on anything controversial and more known? (For example, in my circles there is a guy who frequently writes negatively in our industry press about the niche area I work in (not law). If I were to be in an elevator with him, I’d have a hard time not giving him side eye.)All of this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense….. This mystery is now going to bug me!

6. I’ve been playing more golf- woohoo! This weekend I picked up a few items at Vineyard Vines and have to give them a huge shoutout for really cute, comfortable options for anytime but also especially for playing more conservative country club courses. Any women out there who might have to attend a golf outing this summer – I found a variety of sizes, and I could bend down to fix a divot without worry. Happy golfing out there, ladies!

   1. Yay! My cc says they have Vineyard Vines apparel coming to the pro shop this summer, it’s possible I’ve been in there once or twice trolling through to see if they have any stocked yet.

7. Does anyone else get bouts of insecurity akin to middle school? I’d say the vast majority of the time I’m comfortable in my own skin, I have a husband who is attracted to me, I think objectively I’m not unattractive… but once in a while (this weekend), seemingly out of nowhere, I get hyper-focused on my appearance and want to change everything. I’ll buy all new makeup and expensive clothes, make diet/exercise plans to lose 20lbs. Book and then cancel (when I get over it) appointments for balayage or microblading. I don’t know where it comes from but I hate it

   1. Yes! I swear for me it’s hormonal. I have pretty good self-confidence but every once in a while I look in the mirror and I swear I see an ogre. I get in a rut for like a week or so and then I seem to stop caring and move on. But that week sucks!

      1. Yes. For me, it is aging. I have not come to terms with the idea of aging gracefully. I want to reverse every sign of agin no matter the cost. It’s just the latest manifestation of lifelong low self-esteem. If I didn’t have a husband keeping a lid on it I’d have had more plastic surgery than all the Kardashians put together.

   2. Yep. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and just felt so ugly and dumpy compared to everyone else. The difference for me is the action items–when I feel this way, I toss around ideas for changing my appearance, but none of them is actually going to make me feel more confident if I’m in this kind of state.

      One thing that helps is to remember that I’ve always, always had these thoughts. When I was a size 0 I still worried about my weight. When my hair was completely different, I still hated how it looked. It’s a me problem, so I should refocus on something productive and save my money. I’m sure this will be even more important as I age.

   3. Yes. Im a mom of teenagers so probably quite a bit older than most of you. I just spent the weekend at a sports tournament with other moms of teens, but these moms were from Beverly Hills. I felt like I’d just stepped right out of the trailer park. At some point you just have to laugh and move on. You are never going to win the attractiveness contest. There will always be someone more attractive. As well maintained and fit as the Beverly Hills moms were, they’d still lose to a 22 year old so…. it’s inevitable. Work more on your insides than your outside.

      1. And what looks good is all relative. What we envy in other women can look ridiculous to men. I’m not suggesting we aim for the male gaze and all that but just remember that what is attractive to one person may be unattractive to another.

         There are many people out there that prefer the woman in jeans and a brewery tee over the latest trends and heels. What looks good in the movies doesn’t always transfer well to functional real life.

         1. Jeans and a brewery tee, that’s me!

   4. For me it is 100% hormonal and usually happens about 3 days before I get my period. It’s the worst. Now that I have recognized the cause it’s a lot easier to remind myself that is all that is going on.

      1. +1 This is a monthly cycle thing for me, and it starts right before my period. I noticed because I was feeling frustrated that I always seemed to be dealing with my period whenever I was shopping for clothes in stores. Then I realized that literally every time I shopped in stores for clothing, my period was starting or had just started.

   5. When you reflect a bit … what was going on this weekend? Did this train of thought happen over the weekend or did it happen last week? Has it been brewing underneath for a while? Is there stress or tension in some area of your life? When stress or anxiety hits do you channel it in to how you look even if the stress is totally unrelated? Do particular websites, magazines, instagrams, etc. trigger a thought spiral? Conversations with your mom? Hormones? Seeing an old friend?

   6. This isn’t meant as advice, it’s just an honest response to your question, but I generally try to balance my response to this impulse between working on myself internally AND sometimes pouring money and energy into beautification.
      There are some things that I’ve found not to be worth it (lip injections; keratin treatments; chemical peels; brand name clothes that are more flash than quality) and other things I’ve found to genuinely raise my self esteem (finding a great salon and splurging; elaborate at-home skin routine; a couple of surgical procedures; other brand name clothes that are more quality than flash).
      Will I ever be 100% pleased with my looks? Probably not, as is human nature. Do I look better and feel better now than before I dedicated money and effort to it? Unequivocal yes. It took a lot of experimentation to figure out what was worth the time and money, and what I’d just have to make peace with.
      It really helps that my SO is supportive of my quixotic quest, and doesn’t dismiss it all as vain or stupid. He supports my vapid beauty treatments, I support his vapid video gaming, all is well, and we keep each other in check.

8. How do you handle potential emergency vet visits when you have a pet sitter?

   I have four cats and one of them has a heart condition. He gets meds twice a day and is stable, but there’s a chance his heart could stop or he could have a blood clot. Chances are slim, but I want to be prepared.

   We will have a sitter coming twice day while we are out of the country next week and I’ve talked to her about his issues and provided the vet info. I just wasn’t sure what to do about vet payments. As I’m typing, this I realize I could call my vet to see what they recommend, but just wondering what others have done in this situation.

   1. I’ve never been in this specific situation, but I imagine you could leave a credit card on file at the vet. Definitely call them and ask.

      1. This is what was done when I catsat for a friend’s cat that was having health issues – the vet was aware the owner was out of town, a credit card was left on file, and both the vet and I knew that I was allowed to make any decisions needed even if it was just an abundance of caution.

   2. As long as you’re someplace with phone reception, just be generally available for a call. Every clinic I’ve ever used can take a credit card over the phone. Some can store a method of payment in their system. That’s particularly useful if your usual vet also handles their own emergency/after hours calls.

      1. Also, if you’re not somewhere with phone reception, make sure your cat sitter knows who they should call in the event of an emergency. When I was out of the country for two weeks, my cat sitter had my mom’s phone number, who would have called me or made any decisions if I couldn’t be reached.

   3. Call the vet and talk through the likeliest scenarios. At our vet you can pre-authorize either specific services or a dollar amount (or carte blanche). So you could authorize diagnostics, or life-saving services, or up to $X with a credit card on file, until you can be reached and talk through your other options.

   4. My vet will keep a credit card on file. Leave the sitter the vet’s info and a map with directions to the vet. Also agree with the other poster–have someone trusted as a fall back to make any decisions if needed (you’ll inevitably be unreachable at some point–in the air, somewhere with bad cell service, etc.) Good if someone local also has access to your house if the sitter gets locked out (I had that happen once and was so relieved I could have a neighbor work the garage code to let her in.)

   5. I alert my vet that I’ll be traveling and give them the name of my pet sitter. As long as I can be reached by phone, that’s all I do as the vet knows me and will call. They also know my diabetic cat quite well and know that I always pay his bills. Since I’m a regular customer, they will take in my cat any time, give him the treatment he needs and keep him until I’m back in town and can pick him up. If I’m going to be out of phone access I make sure my emergency contact info is updated at the vet and that person knows they might get a call.

      I also let my petsitter know what signs to look for and to text me with any questions. I travel at least once a month and I’ve not had any problems.

   6. Thanks all! I’ll call my vet today. We will be in Ireland and I’m planning on setting up my phone for international access so I can be available in case of emergencies. Hopefully should not have problems with reception, but I also have detailed notes and backup contact info for the pet sitter.

      1. The only thing I would add, is giving your sitter clearance to spend up to X amount without your authorization, and to request they speak to you before exceeding that number, assuming there is an amount you aren’t comfortable exceeding or would want to discuss with the vet before doing so.

   7. I always write down a thing saying that Petsitter is authorized to make decisions for Pet in the event that Husband and Rainbow Hair cannot be reached, and that H and RH promise that they will pay whatever costs Petsitter incurs for Pet. We’ve always had good relationships with our vets where I imagine this would fly, if, g-d forbid, it came up.

9. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year: 9 months same city, 6 months long distance for his work (ending in a couple months when he’ll move back).

   I am visiting him now, he handed me his phone for something, and as I scrolled through his many apps to find it I saw 2 dating apps on it.

   I asked him what that was about, and he said he hadn’t used them in forever. I asked him to delete them and he did. I told him it made me feel awful that he had them, and he said he was sorry. But he also said he didn’t think it was such a big deal, restated that he hadn’t used them in forever, and said he didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

   I do believe him that he hasn’t used them. Possibly he just didn’t delete them when we became exclusive, but I didn’t ask at the time so don’t know. That seems a lot more okay than if he actually got them after we were dating, obviously.

   Early in our relationship there was a thing where his previous ex was calling him for “advice” a weird amount, and I asked him to stop. He did. Other than that nothing like this has come up.

   I’m pretty hurt and can’t tell if I’m overreacting or underreacting. Honestly I don’t know whether to let this drop or end things.

   1. Over reacting. When you no longer use an app, do you delete it ASAP or wait until the next time you have memory needs on your phone?

      1. Well, personally I do it ASAP, and definitely if it was a dating app and I starting exclusively dating someone. But good to know that others don’t necessarily work that way (and I agree that my boyfriend could easily fall in that category).

         1. My phone is like a graveyard of barely-used apps. I could definitely see leaving the app on there and not actually opening it. You feel how you feel, of course, but don’t jump to conclusions, either.

            1. Mine too. I’m not even meeting the 80/20 rule. I think I’m more 90/10 on apps – 10% I use 90% of the time and rest mostly collect dust.

               If you believe him when he says he hasn’t used them, then it’s NBD IMO. He did protest when you asked him to delete them and while you can be upset, I don’t think it would be healthy to dwell on it. Don’t overthink it and assume good intentions unless you have reason not too (here I don’t think you do).

         2. Ditto on my phone being a graveyard for apps. I don’t pay any attention to them unless I need space, and then do a big clean up.

            1. I agree. I do not even know what apps my Sister put on my iPad, and the kids use it most of the time I am over there. They could put Sesame Street on there and I would NOT notice, so if your boyfriend loaned his phone to his friend, they could have put an app on there so don’t blame him, at least not yet. Good luck and if he is really good, marry him NOW!

   2. The only reason my phone has very few apps I don’t currently use is because it’s almost 4 years old and memory is severely limited – and it would have even fewer apps if I could delete the useless bloatware it came with!

      OP, I get feeling upset, it is possible he was holding onto them in case you two broke up and he needed them again, but I wouldn’t assume he was using them and I wouldn’t assume this meant he wasn’t invested in the relationship. He deleted them when you asked, I think that’s what matters here.

      1. Thanks, that makes me feel better.

   3. Were they in folders? I keep a bunch of apps in folders and completely forget that they exist. Granted, they aren’t dating apps, but I have a ton of junk on my phone.

      I have 10 games that I probably haven’t played in a year. They are saved in a folder for games. I have Pokemon Go that I haven’t played in 6 months. That one even sends me alerts and I still haven’t gotten around to deleting it.

      I have 11 photography apps. I probably use 2. I have the travel app for practically every airline I have ever flown.

      I’m not saying you are overreacting, just giving you some data for reference.

   4. You know your BF best, but I vote over-reacting. I had a b-fing tracking app on my phone and my youngest is 3. I just never think to delete it and have more than enough memory at the moment.

      1. Probably because I haven’t had enough caffeine yet, but I can’t figure out what b-fing means! I get it from the context but I’m coming up blank . . .

         1. Boyfriend

            1. Oh breastfeeding? Sorry I skimmed right over that without it registering.

            2. Lol at a boyfriend tracking app!

         2. b-feeding (trying to avoid mod). i.e., nursing.

            1. Ahh of course! I was thinking of fertility tracking.

         3. I thought some thing very horrible, but will NOT say it. B-fing is awful even to think about, as Sheketovits had suggested it but I said NO WAY. How gross would that have been. FOOEY on him for even suggesting this. I would never trust a man who suggests this. It is demeaning for us as women. NEVER let a man even suggest this. DOUBEL FOEY

   5. Everybody I know has Tinder or Bumble on their phones even if they don’t use them. It’s really not a huge deal. It’s just one of those things you download and forget about.

   6. He handed you his phone and asked you to look through it. That tells me he wasn’t expecting you to find anything untoward, and that he probably just forgot the apps were even on his phone. Unless you know he’s the type of person who routinely deletes apps he doesn’t use (I do, but I know plenty of people don’t), I would not worry about it.

      1. I have to agree, this time. Sometimes, men are sloppy and you should be on the lookout for other things when you go to his place. If you find any of the following, these would be red flags: Eyeliner, nail polish/nail polish remover, panties and other clothing (presuming your BF is not a cross dresser, of course), feminine hygiene items (which is a clear non-starter, even for a X-dresser). You are within your rights to make further inquiry should you find any of the foregoing, even if you do not otherwise suspect any hanky-pankey. Good luck and be on the lookout! Better to be safe than sorry!

   7. Overreacting. There’s no evidence he was using the apps. Some people (me included) have a ton of stuff on their phone they don’t use. Like a poster above I have newborn baby apps on my phone and my youngest is 4. I’m sure it would have taken me ages to delete dating apps if I’d ever had them.

   8. This would bug me too, but my partner has never deleted an app from his phone. Ever.

   9. I think I still have some on my phone and I’m married. I think you’re overreacting by a lot and agree with your bf.

   10. I never delete apps, but if I’m not using them I move them off my main screen. I have at least 3 dating ones on my phone and I’ve been in a stable relationship for over a year. Never would have occurred to me to delete them.

       Actually I never would have let me BF have free access to my phone. I like my privacy. I wouldn’t expect him to let me into his phone either.

   11. I Think you need to let this one go for two reasons. He gave you his phone to look through so he clearly wasn’t hiding anything from you. Also, you asked him to delete them and he did, I’m assuming immediately. If he said ok I’ll delete them later and didn’t delete them I would be upset. For now, let it go. If you find dating apps on his phone in the future, then I’d be concerned.

   12. I have lots of apps on my phone. I don’t routineky delete any of them. I just stop using them and forget they are there. He obvi wasn’t hiding them

   13. Overreacting unless there are other factors. I have a Nursing timer app on my phone and my kid is 3 and has been weaned for 2.5 years. I have a contraction timer app on there as well ;).

10. What would you serve about 25 guests at a summer house warming party when you roomy have a bbq? Lunch items would seem easy and obvious but somehow sandwiches seem too boring. TIA!

    1. You mean you don’t have a grill? Slow cooker pulled pork is so easy. Pork shoulder + bottle of preferred bbq + ~6 hours on high = deliciousness that took zero effort. You can DIY chicken tacos the same way (chicken + salsa) and do a make your own taco thing.

    2. Is it a seated event or are you doing heavy hor’dourves? I’d do an array of things like deviled eggs, fruit, veggies, chips and salsa, etc. Entree ideas could be jerk chicken skewers/veggie skewers; homemade pizzas/flatbreads with more fancy topping combinations (i.e., basil pesto with chicken, mozzarella and a drizzle of honey, hot salami with caramelized onions and bell peppers, etc) or even something like mini sliders with pimento cheese. Or google “Impressing the In Laws” for an oven-baked sandwich recipe that’s really good.

    3. All the housewarmings I’ve gone to have been drop in and out with heavy apps. I had my own housewarming a couple years ago and did caprese skewers (cherry tomato, little piece of mozzarella, basil leaf, drizzled with olive oil and balsamic), cheese straws, veggie plate with ranch and hummus, salsa, guac, cheese, salami, cookies, and hand pies. I recently had a party and had pigs in a blanket, and enchilada cups that were a HUGE hit.

       https://www.southernliving.com/recipes/mini-black-bean-cheese-enchiladas-recipe

       I also try to have lots of beer and a cocktail type drink that can be made in batches like margaritas or sangria.

    4. Everyone loves deviled eggs
       One or different salads, like an Israeli-style tomato and cucumber salad, and also a coleslaw.
       Watermelon.
       Corn on the cob, in half or thirds if you want.
       Also agree with meat selections.
       Hot dogs are easy to go beef, pork, turkey, tofu, etc.

       1. I hate deviled eggs. Cole slaw, too:)

          1. Nobody likes coleslaw. Except my parents, possibly.

             I understand why you went anonymous for your anti-deviled egg comment, though…. :)

          2. I hate any eggs but I made a really good buttermilk cole slaw this weekend!

          3. Co-signed re deviled eggs and coleslaw. I also think they are risky choices for a buffet style meal that will be sitting out. I tend to skip foods that need refrigeration in these types of settings.

       2. I could live on deviled eggs and coleslaw at cook out with, or really most of the time. LOL

       3. Not everyone hates coleslaw. I can’t imagine fish tacos or pulled pork sliders without it. I also like it with fried chicken

       4. Good grief. There’s no such thing as a food EVERYONE either likes or hates.

11. *when you *don’t* have a bbq!!

    1. Fried chicken that you bought from someplace?
       Cold salads from fancy grocery store
       Cut up fruit
       make your own sandwich bar

       1. Cold fried chicken is my favorite picnic food!

12. Anyone else find it harder to handle greasy baked goods as they get older? Ate a totally greasy blueberry muffin yesterday of course first thing in the morning so nothing else to absorb the grease and felt not so great for a few hours followed by some lingering reflux. I knew it was greasy when I had it – you could see the oil on your fingers, wrapper etc. Is it just me with this issue? I’m no stranger to pizza, fries etc but somehow it’s the baked goods that I find harder.

    For you bakers out there – does something like a muffin or cupcake have more oil or butter in it than a slice of sheet cake or pie?

    1. I have chronic acid reflux and one of the biggest triggers for me is baked goods. Sad, because they are my favourite food. I can eat other greasy foods with little problem.

    2. With respect to the amount of oil or butter: muffins are cake without icing. The amount of oil is generally similar.

    3. I think you’re getting held up on this concept of “greasy”. Muffins or cupcakes are going to have the same amount of fat as a regular cake, and do you know how much butter is in pie crust??

       1. True. I guess the grease was just “obvious” to me because you could see it.

       2. Cupcakes have as much fat as cakes; muffins should be made from a quick bread batter (like banana bread), which is usually drier. That said, grocery store versions of all of the above are weirdly greasy, I think to keep them from drying out before they sell.

    4. God yes. I stopped being able to eat brownies by my late 20s. It was a tragedy. I don’t eat muffins from the grocery store either for the same reason.

       1. Nailed it – it was a grocery store muffin.

    5. Are you sure it’s because of the grease? I find I have a harder time with straight carbs that don’t have any protein on an empty stomach… it makes my blood sugar fluctuate too dramatically, I think, and I get a little queasy. So if I have a donut or something I try to have an egg or piece of bacon with it.

13. Just wanted to check in to ask if SuperAnon who found out her partner is a convicted felon is doing ok.

14. I caught up on the weekend thread really late so to the person asking about renters insurance: GET IT.

    I have two friends who suffered catastrophic losses. One’s apartment went up in flames (he was lucky to get out alive) when a neighbor fell asleep with a lit cigarette. He lost everything. Another lived in a basement apartment that flooded — anything that wasn’t 4′ off the ground was destroyed.

    In both cases the renters insurance (less than $150/year) covered temporary hotels plus replacing all of their stuff. Unless you literally can afford to replace all of your clothing and possessions, every person should have renters (or homeowners) insurance because you just never know what could happen.

    1. That was me – thanks for the extra comment! Definitely something I’ll look into.

15. Since we talk a lot about women being talked over in meetings, I wanted to share this clip of Mary Lou McDonald, who is the leader of Sinn Fein in Ireland, powering through 7 interruptions in 38 seconds on a talk show and refusing to be moved from her point.

    https://twitter.com/ClaireByrneLive/status/1001225257984843776/video/1

    1. Thank you – I normally keep up with this better but I didn’t know Adams had stepped down, so now I’m down a rabbit hole of research.

16. Any recommendations for a dermatologist in Charlotte NC who does Botox? It will be my first time giving it a try, so I’m not sure what to look for.

    1. I personally would never let anyone but a MD administer Botox! I see Dr. Jennifer Helton with Steele Creek Derm and absolutely love her. She has a very conservative hand, which I like and think is a better way to start. I am 44 and have been getting it since age 42. I currently just get it in my forehead every 4 months or so. Her office does run specials and there were none last month so June should have some–they usually post them on their FB page and they have a newsletter they email out as well.

    2. Def see a plastic surgeon or a derm who does it themselves. Darst, Haque, and Helton are among the few who do the injections themselves and don’t have a staff member do it.

17. Has anyone here tried the dating app Elite Singles? Is it any better than all the other dating apps? Thanks!

    1. Is it better than ALL the other dating apps?!?

       No.

       Kinda an odd question.

       1. Well, but it’s only for ~~elites~~ you know.

    2. Any dating app that is for “elites” sounds like it wouldn’t be my scene. I assume the men would think they are….elite? I like Bumble and Hinge. Most dating apps are the same. Same people on each one.

       1. I haven’t heard of it, but if it means “elite” in the income sense, maybe the men there would be less put off by high achieving women, assuming both the men and the women have to be elite to use it.

    3. I have a conspiracy theory that all these “have you ever heard of” posts about obscure things are secret and posts trying to make us Google the mentioned app/site/clothing line.

       1. me too!

    4. The name sounds spammy and weird, and I think paid sites are no longer in fashion. Stick with what’s popular, more users is usually better.

18. I gather that a lot of folks here grew up in big-ish cities where you had choices of a local middle or high school and a competitive test-in city-wide magnet school.

    If you were in middle school or high school, what is the maximum commute you did and was it worth it?

    My $.02:
    — passed on magnet elementary school in favor of local one based on commute (walkable .5 miles vs 1-hour bus ride each way and start / stop times that were not working-parent friendly; local school is very good but not all fancy like the magnet; wanted kids to have more neighbhorhood friends after going to a daycare near my work that was city-wide)
    — considering magnet middle school (is closer to my work, which for the year I’ll have kids in 2 schools is great, may be more involved; feeder area is 100% not where we live so high school will not have many kids continuing on to high school with us)
    — considering high school (the feeders usually compel thinking of your kids’ entire kid lives at once) b/c this is what matters most for college; fortunately, is co-located at same campus as what would be our high school anyway, but it is super huge and you’d never overlap if you were in the “gifted”/IB program there vs the regular program.

    At any rate, if your choices were an good neighborhood school vs a magnet, is there a reason I’ve not thought of (pressure? letting kids just be kids?) to be aware of or put into the mix? So much has come down to commute / accommodating my work and “this is a good group of kids and parents and we want to stick together.”

    1. Honestly, commute and the least stress on the family wins hands down for me for all levels through middle school. And honestly, unless the high school is highly specialized discipline-wise (ex. performing arts, STEM, etc.) or academics-wise (ex. IB program versus no IB), if the closest available high school was very good, that is where my child would attend as well. The logistics, stress of getting around town on time, and lack of family time due to the increased driving time is not worth it without special consideration.

       Also, keep in mind, for many states, if your child is looking at an in-state university, it is better to go to a pretty good but not the very best high school for admission reasons – it is easier to make better grades and be closer to top of the class at a mid-tier school, and many universities consider school diversity, meaning they don’t want too many students from the same school – so being top at the mid tier high school is better admissions wise than being middle of the pack of the top high school.

       1. Re: very best high school, this was true for me. My private, college prep high school has two acceptances to Renowned Small Public Southern Ivy out of 20 applications in a class of 80, while the local public high school with a class of 300 had 10 acceptances out of 50 applications.

       2. +1

          Agree completely

       3. agree w/this completely. one of my junior high teachers begged my parents to send me to the good-but-not-great high school in my town, instead of my pressure cooker high school that I ultimately attended (b/c he thought I would flourish in a less stressful environment). I did well at my HS (but not great) and did not end up getting into the college of my choice (admittedly I was aiming high, it was one of HYPS). That said, I went to a top 15 university, killed it, graduated summa and went to HYS for law school, and all credit is due to how rigorous my HS was.

       4. This can work for selective private universities and colleges as well. At my OK-but-not-great public high school, very few people applied out of state but of those that do, they do very well in the admissions process. At the local prep schools and magnets, almost everyone is gunning for out of state schools.

    2. I am over 40 so this might be out dated – but I had at least an 1.5 hr commute for middle and high school (by bus, schools were 20-30 minutes away by direct route). At the time I really hated the commute. It was a huge time suck and I always had to get up sooo early. It made me less likely to engage in after school activities because I was always worried about how to get home/ how late I would get home.

       However, as an adult I am so appreciative of the education I received. There was a huge difference in my base school and the magnet I attended. Again this was a long time ago, but my base school had 0 AP classes. My magnet school offered at least 10. I am the first in my family to go to college and I’m not sure I would have gone without having attended the magnet school. Not only did it fully prepare me for college, but I was surrounded by other kids whose default was college. By the time I was a HS Senior I took it for granted that I would go to college as well. When I look back on my family circumstances I now realize college should not have been a given. Most of the kids from my neighborhood did not go to college.

       I’m guessing your kids won’t need the extra push to make sure they go to college. If the base school is a good school and works with your schedule, I would go for it. If your kid really wants to go to the magnet school, and it works for the family, go for it.

19. Is there anything I can do to help my 75 year old mother with mental health and activities? She lives 6 hours away in a town without any family (she’s single and I’m her only child), her only friend in town is moving away in June, her house is a near-hoarding situation, and she spends all.day.long. on FB. She was involved in civic groups 5-10 years ago, but like the poster last week, her personality caused some conflict, and now she’s not involved in anything. She rarely leaves the house or goes outside.

    With her friend leaving, she’s been calling me more often and frequently says she misses me and wishes I would call more often, but our conversations are rarely enjoyable (see, doesn’t leave the house, finds dark corners of the internet). I’m worried about her, but I’m not sure what I can do. She’s not in poor health. She takes an anti-depressant (her dr originally prescribed it 20 years ago as an off-label use for hot flashes), but she denies she’s depressed (see, hot flashes…never mind that that was 20 years ago) and won’t go see someone about getting her prescription updated/evaluated (“maybe next month”). She doesn’t want to move closer to us because she doesn’t want to be a bother. But people in my family live to be 100, and I feel like I can’t very well leave her up there all alone in that house with just the internet to keep her company.

    Thanks for any thoughts.

    1. Can you bring her to visit you, and start putting ideas in her head about living in your town? Do you have some older friends or neighbors you could invite over for a cocktail party in her honor, to help her see what a better network she’d have? If it’s just the two of you it makes no sense for her to be that far away.

    2. Get her an iPad and make an effort to facetime with her. If she is already on the facebook bandwagon you can just use messenger. We’ve done this with my grandmother and it makes a huge difference for her being able to see our pets, our homes and our faces instead of just talking to us on the phone. Plus, we can see when she does not look well or has dark circles under her eyes. If you don’t want to limit the conversation, we normally call her when we are doing something and want to show her something — e.g., look at the park we are at which then gives a natural excuse to get off the phone.

       I’d also suggest reaching out to senior groups or case managers in the area and see what activities you could get her involved in. It might take going for a visit to “introduce” her to the activity but you never know what will stick.

    3. Honestly, I don’t think this is something you can manage from afar.

       It is extremely difficult to help with parental mental health (early dementia….?) issues when you are far away, and even more so if the parent is single. And I worry as you are that this is not sustainable long term. It is also true that mental health issues/depression is extremely common in the elderly and undertreated, and also often gets worse over time. Sometimes symptoms like hers are an early symptom of dementia, but sometimes it is just depression and once treated, there can be amazing improvements.

       But fortunately, it sounds like she is otherwise healthy, able to manage her daily needs, and communicative with you. That is amazing. So you have time. You are being a good daughter by looking ahead

       Is there any way you could go out for a visit, and coordinate a primary care doctor appointment for them at the same time? I would then call ahead and leave a message for the nurse/doctor that you are worried about her worsening depression and would appreciate if the doctor could address it and consider modifying medication during her next visit. This is what worked for my father. He would have never addressed it coming from me alone.

       Also, sometimes seniors are unwilling to treat “depression”, but by talking about mood/fatigue/sleep difficulties/pain etc… you can indirectly get them interested in treatment/modifying treatment when the doctor indicates that these can improve with treatment. Like her hot flashes…. And it is common for treatments to change in their effectiveness over time. 20 years is a long time….

       If you have siblings, time for a family meeting to talk about Mom, what you are witnessing, and how you as a family can support her more. Get everything out on the table about what people are willing to do… visit wise, calling trees, overseeing medical/financial issues, and eventually…. moving to her or having her move to you. It is a process…

       You have time. Start with listening to her, and talking to her doctor.

    4. “But people in my family live to be 100, and I feel like I can’t very well leave her up there all alone in that house with just the internet to keep her company.”

       I get that you think her quality of life is poor and you care about her and wish that it wasn’t. But it will only improve if she wants to improve it, and you can’t make her want to. You’re describing an adult who has made a series of choices about where and how to live and you can’t make her make different choices or make her happy. I really don’t think there’s anything you can do.

       1. This. So much this. Most of us want the best for our parents and it is really hard to watch them make choices that we do not think are healthy. But unless they have dementia or need our active help, the reality is that they are competent adults who can and will make their own choices.

          All you can control is what you do and how you react. It is 100% OK to limit how much time you spend on the phone, point out that you really think she would benefit from someone other than you to talk to, and flat out tell her that you are not going to discuss the latest internet conspiracy theory. You can even call her doctor and express your concerns. But she is a grown woman and you cannot control her life any more than she can control yours.

          1. I think you guys are missing the point that dementia and mental illness are common in the elderly and undertreated early and she should be worried about her mother at this point. This is not a 30 year old or 50 year old woman showing worrying behaviors. Isolating yourself, near-hoarding, withdrawing from all activities, internet all days is a very concerning sign for a 75 year old.

             I’m a caregiver for the elderly and mentally ill.

    5. My mom lives a 2 hour drive from me and a flight away from my siblings. She suffers from dementia (mild) and depression (episodic). We just got her home aides — she has declined physically so now has someone there 24 hours a day but you can do 4 hours a day or 8 or whatever. Its helped tremendously. It forces social interaction, and the aides who she likes she has developed a friendship with and honestly I think that has been worth as much as the logistical and physical help. If you can make it work financially it may be worth a try. The other think I like about the aides is we have a neutral source of information because Mom sometimes spins things to make them look a certain way. And/or she is genuinely confused and forgetful. All in all they have been wonderful. We’ve used an agency which is more expensive but I know other families also just fine helpers, kind of like you’d find a nanny. Good luck.

       1. Would you mind sharing that the cost associated with a home health aid is? Similar situation to the OP & probably need to be thinking about this in a few years.

          1. The agency nurse/overseer person is billed out at $175 an hour and goes there once or twice a week. The aides are billed out at $35 an hour.

    6. I would get her a nurse, or other paid companion who is technically paid to drop by and help her around the house for an hour or so, help her with a bath or medicine, or take her grocery shopping. Stuff like that. There are lots of great paid care givers. And the number one thing they give is companionship. Frequency depends on what you can afford, but even an hour or two here and there can make a big difference.

    7. It seems like everyone is going OTT on this – the mom is living somewhere that she has no ties. That seems like the first fixable item. Proximity might cure a lot of this, or is at least a nice start. Because eventually she will be OP’s responsibility so having her close will be easier on OP and I’m sure OP will want to spend mom’s last years with her.

       1. But if mom does not want to move, there is no way to make her. My grandmother lived in her remote location far from anyone and far from services to age 96. The last twenty years she was alone (after my grandfather died.) She had no friends (they died, moved, or were unable to drive to visit her). She spent her time alone, day in and day out, watching TV, reading books, and complaining that we did not visit her enough. She had numerous issues, but since she did not need day to day help from us we had no leverage to force her to change and she did not have mental health issues significant enough that we could have a conservator appointed. She finally moved into an assisted living facility at 97 when her physical needs because more than she could handle at home (and died 3 months later). And except for a housekeeper every other week (her whole life) and someone to drive her to the grocery store/doctor for the last 15 years, she absolutely refused to have strangers in her house.

          Did I agree with her choices? Absolutely not. Would my life and my parents’ lives been easier if she would have agreed to move to another city to be closer to us? Absolutely. Is there any way of making a person with her own financial resources who is legally competent live her life the way you think she should? No -really there is not and thinking there is just makes you frustrated/guilty and her angry.

20. I’ve got an artsy kid. As in 2-D art, not any of the performing arts.

    The sports and performing arts kids all seem to have portfolios calculated to appeal to college admissions officers. Art, to many, is seen as a mere hobby. But I see now how you can do it just as seriously as if you are in a performing art genre (music, acting, singing, dancing) or a sport or any other special talent.

    As a parent, what should I be doing to encourage / support this in a way that plays the college game as well as can be done?

    She has participated in a weekend art workshop for years and loves it and has been published once. I’m a bit at the lost other than to encourage her to maybe write some books that she could illustrate or try to sell greeting cards, etc., but that seems to be a bit wide of the mark.

    1. If she’s talented at painting, drawing, that type of thing, maybe try the junior duck stamp contest? I believe each state has its own contest and then the best of each state is submitted to the national junior duck stamp contest. According to my bf, it’s a very prestigious contest for high schoolers. He apparently won second place in the national contest one year (well over 15 years by now).

       Maybe she could consider starting a blog or tumblr or whatever kids use these days as an online portfolio to post her art.

       I think if you want to play the college admissions game with art the way many do for sports, she will probably have to enter some contests and place, and have some published work to include in her college admissions packet and talk about it.

    2. Is she planning to go to art school? Some art programs ask for portfolios so I would look at what they require (size, variety vs cohesive body of work, etc).

       1. No. Our city actually has an arts magnet school that is for grades 6-12 that has a competitive audition / portfolio process. [One entry point is sixth grade, which has passed, and high school transfers are rare.] But is far from our house and so arts-centric that the rest of the academics aren’t as good as our neighborhood options.

          Kiddo actually wants to be a scientist and loves chemistry, but art is her only extracurricular that she is truly passionate about (and great at) and I could let her drop the others (chess, a running club like Girls on the Run) if only I felt that she could show the depth that you seem to need on applications. It’s not like there is an all-city, all-state, USA Today ranking of kids who have this sort of talent and schools all seem to want achievements to be OMG Quantified now.

          1. My post is apparently in mod… wonder why… but I was like your daughter. Science focused and didn’t want to go to art school, but great at it. I like to think my art helped present me as a “well rounded” and talented candidate. That’s how you need to think of it. Art is unique in that it’s not a group activity, not a team endeavor, and there aren’t defined parameters for ranking and quantifying. That doesn’t mean it’s not possible to show depth or talent, though- she needs studio time and a portfolio, and ideally, at least some success in competition.

             Also.. please don’t turn your daughter’s passion into something that is measured based on it’s value in helping her get into college……screw what the schools want. Her GPA/SAT scores are what matter for that unless she’s a protege at something else.

             1. I hear you! Quantification is such a buzz kill.

          2. If she wants to do chemistry, can she get involved in any kind of chemistry research? (And if she doesn’t want to do that, why does she want to do chemistry?)

             But also I think you’re kind of blowing college applications out of proportion, unless you’re insisting she only apply to Ivies.

       2. +1, she’ll need a portfolio for any kind of higher-ed art program.

          It sounds like you are already being supportive, which is awesome! How old is she? Obviously it’s hard to make a career as a professional artist, so I’d help her explore as many different art careers as she can – graphic design, architecture, art history/museums, marketing, teaching, etc.

          1. Maybe for art schools, but for many (most?) art programs at regular universities you can just apply and declare an art major, which is how my husband got his BFA. He’s glad he did regular university for undergrad because the general liberal arts/culture/history education he got informs his art practice, whereas some of his art-school peers seem hampered by too much art theory and not enough general cultural/social knowledge (or even art history!).

    3. Does she have a school guidance counselor? Does she want to pursue art in college, like go to art school? I’d ask her guidance counselor for advice on how to position her for college applications. What sort of portfolio does she need, and how is that tailored to art schools vs a typical 4 year college?

       1. She isn’t really interested in art school at all. She’s good at art, maybe very good. But if tennis were her thing, I’d have her in tournaments, on a team, etc., not so much for scholarships at D1 schools, but to show that she has done something well besides school. But with this talent, IDK what to do.

          For our big urban school system, if it won’t get the school on the 11:00 news, it’s not going to be top of list for anyone. Private guidance counselors are a thing, but it’s more for picking colleges and SAT prep.

          [Like it would be weird to apply to West Point and say: I got 5s on my AP sciences and a 800 math SAT and here is my art portfolio. Maybe less weird at Va Tech or Hopkins (where you might be seen as unique and special for a female science major.]

          1. I think what you’re looking for is for your daughter to exhibit work and/or enter it in competitions. See if you have a local artists’ guild/association/alliance, or an “art district,” or something like that. They’ll probably have local opportunities to exhibit; ime they don’t turn anyone down, so it’s not an external You Did Good like you probably want, but they should also be able to point you to other opportunities.

             Keywords: “juried exhibition,” “call for submissions,” “call for artists,” “call for entries.” Look especially for shows and competitions aimed at HS students, because even if she’s very good she’s probably not MFA-good or professional-good.

             1. But also: does SHE want to do any of these things?

             2. That’s my question as well.
                Mom, you could try letting your daughter be herself, and figure out some things for herself, and give the helicoptering a rest. She doesn’t need to have her whole life figured out at age 16. Maybe you were like that, or are engaging in competitive parenting, but – give it a rest. let her drive the bus on how she wants her life to go. Unless you are budgeting to pay for years of therapy.

             3. This is tremendously helpful!

                One running activity she is in had a contest to design a flyer and she loved that. I think of this like maybe other parents think of theater or football — not what the kid wants to do as a vocation necessarily, but something they’ve passionate about and have worked hard at that helps distinguish them from the other thousands of kids who seem really, really fungible on paper.

                We have a vibrant arts community in my city and I do think that at the high school level they can often take on some significant volunteer work in addition to doing professional critiques and submitting to juried competitions (and maybe setting up something like an etsy shop (which may go nowhere but might be an interesting experiment)). When I was in school, if you were good at math, you never got art class after elementary school :(

             4. These are the right keywords. Though, gently (and without any knowledge of her skill set), it sounds like she also needs more art classes to get to this level. I was into art as a high schooler, though like your daughter had no plans to make it a degree/career. I had 13-15 hours of studio time a week spread between different disciplines and different art schools and was exhibiting regularly. If your daughter is just doing some weekend workshops she is not getting the kind of experience (a) that others doing exhibitions will have or (b) that will stand out on a college application.

    4. Terrible artist here but my friends who wanted to do something artistic – from set design to graphics to mixed media etc all compiled portfolios throughout high school. I would see if I could get more information on the portfolio requirements at schools like SCAD and RISD and / or have your child work with a teacher that might know the requirements.

       Also for what it is worth anyone who needs a sports “portfolio” isn’t that good – the really good athletes work with their coach / are recruited off their performance at specific training camps / big meets or events (ie – I was a swimmer in high school. All the college coaches / scouts came to certain big meets).

    5. I was a performing arts kid in high school, lots of dance classes, yearly recitals, school plays and musicals, but since I wasn’t planning to major in anything related to those things I didn’t have any sort of portfolio “proving” that those activities were serious things that kept me busy after school, so I don’t see why your daughter would need anything like that for visual arts unless she was planning to major in that, which you’ve said she isn’t. It could be a good essay topic though.

       I wonder if you mean the arts and sports kids had structured schedules, and membership to organizations they could list, whereas if you’re just painting at home and not on any sort of team, part of a club or a school-related project it doesn’t look as good? I could see that being a valid concern.

       Then again, I graduated high school in 2007, and I realize things may have changed. I’d probably check with the guidance counselor, maybe get some insight from the admissions offices at the colleges she’s eyeing.

    6. The additional background is helpful. Here are things my more arts-focused friends did in HS in case helpful.

       – Developed their portfolios.
       – Took art lessons in their preferred mediums.
       – Submitted artwork to local art shows (geared towards both teens and adults).
       – Worked at an arts-focused summer program for low-income families in the summers.
       – Worked for a local artist in the school year (local pottery studio; artistic framer; etc.).
       – Participated in stage crew, where they did set design/painting.
       – Started a graphic design club where they designed all kinds of graphics for other student organizations (i.e., sports team tee shirts, fundraising flyers, etc.).

       You could also look into summer programs that are arts-focused in some way if that’s an option for your family.

    7. Does she want to go to art school or focus on art in college? Then she definitely needs a portfolio.

    8. If you’re concerned solely about her having extra-curriculars that she can list on a college application, I would look for ways for her to use her artistic ability in already existing clubs – perhaps illustrating her school’s literary journal or working on layout and graphic design for yearbook, serving as a counsel at art camps for younger kids.

    9. It sounds like enough as-is. If she hasn’t already she can join her high school have an art club. Art club, classes, and workshop/art shows. I was a theater kid and I think the only thing on my college application was that I was in the Thespian Society and plays. Please don’t pressure her to start a greeting card business or publish books. If she’s not in high school yet, you should back off and let her enjoy her hobby. Encouraging her to perform in a certain way could completely ruin her enjoyment of art.

    10. I was definitely the Visual Arts kid in my family. I think that having your child in an art class at school is key to finding opportunities for contests. In my schools, there were district-sponsored contests, Scholastic Art contests, and a ton of other contests that the art teachers encouraged the art students to enter. They would advise on which piece to enter and why, or would help advise if a new piece needed to be created.

        Gently, I would not advise steering your daughter towards making her art a Big Thing, especially if she doesn’t want to go to art school, since it could actually have the opposite effect. Let her explore art on her own and in a school setting where she can be exposed to all the different facets without the pressure of success. My parents are not artists, so they were always mystified by my artwork, but they supported me. They never pushed me to “do more” than I wanted to do with my art.

        If she ends up wanting to go to art school, this is where an art teacher/art class is really really helpful. I took a lot of art classes in high school, including AP Art, and they all helped me have a comprehensive portfolio that was ready for schools, showing experience with drawing, painting, photography, printing, but with an emphasis on digital and graphic design. Art teachers are also good at identifying if art school itself would be a good fit or if your child would benefit more from a traditional university.

    11. OP PARENT: In all seriousness, you need an education first. I would go tour some of the well known art/design schools to get a better idea/vision yourself. You sound like you have no value for the creative arts whatsoever, and that’s not a good position from which to help your kid.

    12. It sounds like your kid is not yet in grade 6 and certainly not in high school. Let her continue to engage in art as a source of joy and stress-relief which will be useful during stressful high school years whether or not it helps with her college applications. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested in writing books or operating a greeting card business, so I don’t see any merit in pushing her in those directions. If she continues to love art and improve her skills she may end up having more work published or exhibiting or do commissions for people (I have friends who have done all of these things) and those will be wonderful for her self-esteem and also her college applications.

    13. It sounds like your kid values the creative outlet, which can easily become a dreaded chore when it is changed from hobby to profession. So, there is not necessarily a reason for you to push her towards quantifiability in their art. If she ends up doing chemical research or works as an educator, a good eye for graphical representation will give her an edge above others, because it’s all about communicating your ideas to other people, and figures are one great way to do that.
        One way to give her more options would be to offer her some good graphic design software, together with a class at the community college or similar. Inkscape is free, CorelDraw costs some money, and Adobe Indesign is the industry standard(and expensive!). There are also 3D rendering programs, lots of them. If she is familiar with any of those, she can keep on doing flyers for friends, or she can utilize it for a career in STEM, she could even have a graphic design side hustle down the road.

        For college admission, some involvement in a lab/STEM summer camp is probably more helpful.

    14. I had a good friend growing up who was interested in science and also a talented artist. She took an AP art class at our high school, which involved spending a year developing a portfolio with certain criteria. She also took all the AP science classes offered at our school (and played a sport, but not well enough to play at the college level). She was admitted to MIT and also received an offer of full scholarship to Georgia Tech. She ended up choosing MIT and is now a mechanical engineer. I’m sure the fact that she was well-rounded helped her college admission, but just taking the AP art class was probably enough to demonstrate that she had an artistic side–she didn’t need to enter competitions or submit her whole portfolio to get accepted to college.

21. Any insight on working in the GC’s office of a Vault 50 law firm? The pay seemed shokingly low for such a big firm. Are there billable hour requirements? What is the culture typically like- similar or different from the law firm itself? Any room for growth? Would such a position make it harder to go back in-house to a typical company?

22. Pantyhose questions – please skip if this is not your thing.

    1. Is it better to err on the side of lighter or darker for pantyhose? I can’t seem to find the perfect match so those are my two options.

    2. Also, for those of you who wear Hanes Silky Sheers, do you know if “Little Color” is darker or lighter than “Natural”?

    3. Does anyone here wear gloves to put on pantyhose? My mom did that all the time and after ripping another run through another pair, I’m considering it if I can find a cheap pair.

    1. I think darker is better, because lighter often has a weird sheen (unless maybe your skin is very pale). I don’t wear gloves but I make sure my nails are smooth. My pantyhose always falls prey to velcro or sharp-cornered furniture before my nails get it, though.

    2. If I had to choose-slightly darker seems less noticeable than a shade lighter (take that with a grain of salt as I am very pale already). That being said, I order NoNonsense brand on amazon, which seem to have a good nude shade that actually matches my skin tone well and also lasts through a decent amount of wears. You might try that brand, particularly as it’s inexpensive, so why not?

       1. https://www.amazon.com/No-Nonsense-Womens-Pantyhose-6-Pack/dp/B00NPNSOQ6

    3. Agree with darker. I also have been wearing a smoky grey pantyhose from Hanes in lieu of skin tone. It looks a bit less “sterile” but still professional.

    4. If you buy Hanes, buy your hose at onehanesplace dot com. It’s their overstock site, and it’s way cheaper (and I’ve never had an issue with understanding how the hose are seconds–you really can’t tell).

       Call their customer service to ask–I am pretty sure that Little Color is lighter–I’m pretty pale, and Travel Buff and Pearl used to be too light, but Little Color was what I would go with.

    5. I have really pale skin and I go lighter – actually like Little Color better than natural for Hanes. All the natural/suntan tones make me look orange and are not kind to my coloring.

       I don’t wear gloves but I find that going up a size in phose keeps me from ruining pairs. It’s actually saved me quite a bit of ruined pairs. Something about pulling on if they are too tight makes them prone to ripping more. I’ve used gloves in the past but I guess I’m too lazy to use them regularly. However, I find that I make most of the runs during the day pulling on/off then when I put on getting dressed in the morning.

23. How talented is your daughter? Is this actually a hobby for her, or is she good enough to do something with it? What does she want to do with her talent? Is she thinking about studying it in college?

    I took advanced placement studio classes (double period) in high school, developed a portfolio, placed at art competitions, and got work published. The reality is that most colleges just want to see you devoted and dedicated to something you love and work at. (It’s a different story if she wants to go to art school.)

    Don’t encourage her to write a book- writing a book and doing art are different activities. Publishing it will be a near impossibility. It’s like suggesting she design blue prints for a house if she wants to remodel a kitchen. Selling greeting cards won’t look impressive either. She needs to focus on studio time and developing her skills/a portfolio. Consistent participation in art workshops or submissions to contests or for publication are also helpful.

24. Nice work !! keep up the good work!!!

25. Anyone watch Roseanne? ABC canceled it.

    1. Oh good. I was wondering if they would do anything after her latest racist rant. Really, though, they knew what they were getting. It was just a matter of time. It definitely makes me think less of the other actors who participated, unfortunately.

    2. After her latest rac*st twitter post, good riddance.

26. So I’m a bit behind the times on this, but I just discovered that Target has discontinued the Sonia Kashuk beauty line. I used her tinted moisturizer with spf. I like how light it was and how well it stuck and I like the spf protection. Any suggestions for a similar priced replacement product? It’s pretty much the only make I use regularly, and I just realized it was discontinued when I visited a few stores this weekend and looked online in an attempt to restock.

    1. I’ve never used the Sonia Kashuk product, but check out the Neutrogena Healthy Skin Anti-Aging Skin Perfector (whew, mouthful). I’ve been using it for years and love it. https://www.neutrogena.com/makeup/makeup-face/makeup-face-foundation/healthy-skin-anti-aging-perfector/6843793XX.html

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