Coffee Break: Brana Flats

174 Comments

1. Talk to me about a good national bank. Husband and I bank at a small regional bank and are considering switching to a national bank. We plan to move around and struggle a few times a year when we need random in-person bank services. Any national banks that you love?

   Also are considering a new credit card, is NerdWallet the best resource? Any reccs?

   1. I haven’t been to a bank branch in almost 10 years. Why would you need to go a few times a year (do you own your own business or something?) I use Ally and I’m happy with it.

      1. +2 to Ally. I switched from a local credit union to Ally after I had a very unpleasant encounter with one of their C-suite leaders.

      2. I use Ally but I have an account at Wells Fargo because I do need brick and mortar services a few times a year.

         I have two credit cards: Citi Double Cash Back for most things, and Chase Sapphire Reserve for travel and entertainment. They have the best cash back programs.

   2. I know Wells Fargo has had issues but it’s been easy for me. I have kids in college and they have segregated accounts within my accounts. I travel a lot and ATMS are never a problem. I like the app on my phone. I have a personal banker, and I have his cell number. All in all it has been great for us.

      I chose it because there’s a branch on the corner near my house and there is a branch across the street from my old work office (RIP to the office)

   3. I left Wells Fargo after 10 years of problems with them and my only regret is that I didn’t switch sooner. I went to Chase 2-3 years ago and I haven’t had any issues.

      1. I am kind of wedded to WFB for a variety of reasons but if I had it to do now I would choose Chase for brick and mortar.

   4. I’ve been really happy with Chase, although ironically I am now in a Western mountain town that doesn’t have a Chase branch (plenty of Wells Fargo though). Chase has been really great to deal with, and I find it’s not that hard to get help from an actual person.

   5. FWIW, I still bank with a small regional bank and they have worked miracles for me over the phone. I keep $100 at a credit union with lots of ATMs and use them for the one off notary services, etc.

      For credit cards, I’ve been super happy with Fidelity’s 2% cash back card. No weird rotating categories and they deposit the cash back into my brokerage account.

   6. My banking needs are very very simple and I’ve had my checking account with Bank of America since forever. I recently joined a federal credit union that’s associated with work only so that I can get my paycheck direct deposited on a Friday instead of the next Tuesday. The credit union doesn’t have a presence in my town but supposedly I can access services like the ATM through partnered institutions should I need to do something in person.

   7. Bank of America. If you move around, that is the answer, hands down. I have never had issues finding BofA ATMs wherever I am in the country. My parents both use Chase, which is fine, but they typically have a harder time finding ATMs/branches outside of the northeast. They exist; they’re just not as prolific as BofA. I’ve previously had PNC, which was fantastic in Philly but miserable elsewhere. My sister has TD Bank, which I thought was a big chain, but turned out to be problematic when she moved to the west coast and found out there are no TD Bank branches anywhere on the west coast when she urgently needed a certified check.

   8. After BoA screwed up things massively, I wanted 1) a new bank and 2) someplace with a physical presence because sometimes things only get fixed if you stand there, in their presence, displeased. I ended up with Charles Schwab Bank. The bank itself only has one branch, but the brokerage offices can handle checks etc, and are a place if you need to go be displeased. I’ve been with them > 5 years and have been quite pleased.

      If they’d had a branch in my location, I also would have considered First Republic.

   9. I have banked with US Bank for many years and have been very happy. Great customer service in the branch and on the phone and a very easy to use mobile bank app.

2. Do you think it’s possible to be “just good friends” with a male coworker when both of you are married?

   1. Yes. It’s possible. It will become more than just friends if both of you choose to make it more than that.

   2. There’s more you aren’t telling us, right?

      1. That was my thought. I feel like “if you have to ask, then no.”

      2. +1

   3. Possible, but quite risky. I have successfully had a relatively close friendship with a married male co-worker. I have also ended up having an affair with a married client because of what started out as a close friendship, with lots of one-on-one time together, and then I got in over my head and made a mistake. Big life lesson learned the hard way. I wouldn’t want to try being close friends with a male coworker (married or not) – but I would have no problem going to lunch one-on-one *occasionally* and mostly hanging out in groups.

      1. Well many of us manage it just fine without cheating.

         1. +1 Anone, if you couldn’t handle it that is a you problem, not a problem with male-female friendships.

            1. Yes it was a me problem (and a him problem) but this is a very common way that affairs start – at work, with co-workers or clients with whom you become close.

         2. Good for you.

      2. Why are you guys being so mean to Anon? She answered a question based on her own experience. Geez.

         1. Second. Stand down for Christ’s sake. OP asked for opinions

            1. Because she’s implying that nobody can ever be in a male and female friendship without problems. It is not “quite risky” for most people.

   4. Of course it is, but in those situations I don’t think anybody ever even asks this question.

      1. That was my first thought too. If you’re even asking, something is wrong. Someone is uncomfortable, in some way, on some level.

      2. +1

         I don’t view every man I encounter as a potential bedfellow, and I have multiple male friends, some of whom are married and some are not.

         1. I don’t view every man as a potential bedfellow, but it’s safest to assume that’s how they view all women until proven otherwise.

   5. Of course. But please don’t vague book us it’s super annoying.

   6. I’ve been friends with a few male coworkers, but not close friends. To me, friends = stop by office and chat over morning coffee, talk about our kids and spouses (lightly, and never anything bad) and the local sportsball team and weekend plans, lunch among the same group once a week or so, one-on-one lunch much more occasionally. Close friends would mean socializing outside of work hours, socializing with our families, talking about problems or feelings on a deeper level, etc. Honestly, I haven’t had that type of friendship with any coworker, male or female, until after one of us has left the workplace.

   7. Yes, of course.

      1. +1.

   8. Most of my friends are current or former coworkers, and a hefty 60+% of them are male. Most married. I’m married. It has never been a problem save two jealous wives that I can think of offhand. That’s over probably 20 fairly close male friends.

      I’m in a male dominated profession so my pool of possible work friends is around 75% male, at least. I wouldn’t have any friends if I couldn’t be friends with men.

   9. I think it’s very common and easy to have platonic relationships with men, so long as you respect his boundaries and he respects yours. I think it’s up to each person and married couple to figure out the sorts of opposite gender relationships they are comfortable with for their spouse. It’s not a control thing but rather a trust and respect issue – so long as expectations are reasonable.
      That said I have many male friends who I grab lunch or happy hour drinks with, call for career or other advice that’s in their sphere of knowledge, invite them over to BBQs, birthdays and couples dinners, talk about our social lives, etc. But no – in respect of my boundaries for example – it’s borderline inappropriate to call your male bff at 11pm talking on the phone for three hours like you would an intimate female friend. And I’ve never had an issue questioning their intentions or mine. If you are, that sort of platonic relationship maybe isn’t for you.

   10. I’m not convinced it’s actually possible. I’ve tried to have male friends and have just had so many men confess their love for me. I would say I have two good male friends and one is gay the other is my ex so we are well aware all the reasons that being more than friends doesn’t work.

   11. One of my best friends is a former male co-worker. He and I worked together for 10 years before he retired and were good friends for most of that time. I am also good friends with his wife and socialize with her without him. He and my husband are also friends and share interest in a hobby so they occasionally participate in that hobby without us wives. They also communicate regularly about sales on gear for that hobby. This co-worker and I have gone to lunch together, though usually with other co-workers as well. He was also a mentor to me as he was more senior and was instrumental in helping me get promoted. Prior to COVID, coworker, his wife and I would have lunch together about once a month. He and I have also exercised together regularly. He is always 100% a gentleman and there has never, ever been any type of flirting or anything like that between us. My husband isn’t the jealous, snooping type but I would have no problem with him reading our texts because they are 100% appropriate.

   12. Of course it is! It’s definitely possible and in most cases easy. However, I do not think it’s possible for you and this particular coworker to be friends. Proceed with caution.

   13. Absolutely not. The instant my male coworkers and I discover we are each married, our previously established friendships are utterly destroyed. We cannot keep our hands to ourselves, we can only think of gardening with each other, we constantly sneak off to the the empty conference room for canoodling, it’s a complete nightmare. All our social inhibitions are out the window and the entire office is uncomfortably tense when we walk in the door. I prefer to treat every married male colleague as a robot incapable of platonic friendships in order to avoid this problem.

       1. Personally, I am no more attracted to men than to women, so since marrying, naturally I have cut off all friendships with everyone.

          1. It’s really the only way to function anymore.

3. I’m not able to get into some of my usual documents at work. Why does my mind default to this means I am getting sacked? Ugh.

   1. I’m with you. Email not working? Fired. Sharepoint down? Fired. Ugh.

   2. I get like this when my card key won’t open the parking gate.

      1. Yes on the garage card. That happened to me. Total panic. One time my blackberry stopped receiving email over the weekend (and we usually had a ton of emails over the weekend) and I was sure I was sacked. It never occurred to me that my blackberry was broken, which it was.

   3. I had several weird glitches yesterday, made me think I got hacked. Everything was ok after rebooting my PC.

   4. Wouldn’t it be nice if employers weren’t so paranoid and would actually tell people they were being fired and then start shutting down their access? I understand why they don’t but it would be a much kinder system.

   5. What does it say that lately when this happened my first thought was, ‘oh man, it would be GREAT if I didn’t have to do this job anymore!’

      Sadly and wonderfully… I think I am at that weird point in my job where if they fired me, they would literally have to bring me back on as a consultant because I have this weird niche knowledge set that literally 3 people have… and one is retired and the other has a MUCH better paying job.

      1. When someone at my wife’s company decided to retire, they had to hire another whole person to basically shadow them for six months. I’m pretty sure this happened to my dad, too, only he spun it as getting a “protege.”

   6. I guess one of the great perks of a career at nonprofit arts organizations is that I have never worked anywhere that was IT savvy enough to make me even consider this.

4. Please help me figure out a better way to manage my money. I am a grad student graduating into a decent paying but not 6 figure job. Pre grad school, I made less money but also had fewer expenses (no car, lived with roommates so lower rent, was under 26 so benefitted from parents’ better health insurance). I have sat down and made a reasonable budget in Excel. What I’m struggling with is how to track expenses into the categories I’ve made. Some expenses are monthly, others are annual, and others fluctuate. I’m feeling overwhelmed and how to track my spending to make sure I am within my budget for each category. I accept it can’t be fully automated because given that my categories don’t exactly line up to what I saw in Mint. I figured out how to bucket my savings account so I can save for multiple goals within one account, but I’m struggling with how to budget non-routine expenses – ex, traveling for a friend’s wedding when it’s safe again, prepaying a yearly subscription because that’s cheaper than monthly. These are things I know I can afford but totally throw off my monthly budgeting because Mint will say I overspent $500 in one month. I use credit cards responsibly and am somewhat points savvy, so it’s not like I have one card and can just download my monthly spending into one Excel file. I would appreciate any help keeping this streamlined so I’m not spending hours every month going over things when half the purpose of a budget is for me to stress less about money because I have plan for how to be responsible with it.

   1. What you need is envelope-based budgeting. The idea is that every month you put your income into virtual “envelopes” designated for different categories of expenses. Money in the envelopes carries over from one month to the next, and you can spend whatever’s in the envelope. This allows you to save for annual or irregular expenses. For example, if you pay $1,200 once a year for car insurance, you put $100 per month in the car insurance envelope. When the bill comes due in one year, you have $1,200 available to pay it, then the money starts accumulating again for the next year. You can also transfer money from one envelope to another if you need to. For instance, if you don’t eat out one month, you can transfer money from your “dining out” envelope to your “groceries” envelope to cover the higher grocery bill from eating at home.

      The You Need A Budget (YNAB) system does this, but I DIY’d it with a spreadsheet.

      1. YNAB is worth the annual expense to get it set up and roll with it for a year or two. Totally changed my relationship with money. It’s incredible to not be surprised by a bill or panic about an unexpected expense.

         1. I DIY’d because YNAB is too cult-like for my taste and I don’t want my financial information in an app.

            1. … I’ve been using YNAB for several years now and never thought it was cult-y. Maybe the videos and stuff are but I don’t use those.
               Now from the way people I know talk about Dave Ramsey, I’m pretty sure THAT’S a cult.

            2. +1 to not being cult-y. It’s got a couple of maxims it uses to help use the software as intended, but it’s not telling you to not take on debt.

   2. I use a modified envelope method. For my big yearly expenses (Christmas & bday presents/travel/car insurance/house projects & repairs/ subscriptions) I have different savings accounts. I took what I averaged spending last year and divide it by my number of paychecks and each one is auto drafted every time I get paid. Then when the time comes to pay those I pay it on my credit card and pay off the credit card with the money from my savings account.

      1. This is exactly what I do. It does take some continuous work because you have to review and determine what is “allowed” to be spent from your savings for any particular bill, but it is what it is.

      2. Same here. I have a separate checking account for standard expenses (rent, cleaning lady, subscriptions, etc.). I exclusively use that account for that purpose and have 1/26th the annual amount direct deposited every bi-weekly pay check. I then have specific savings accounts for things, even if not an exact savings goal. For example:
         – a savings account for travel (so travel to weddings, travel for vacation, any kind of travel comes from there)
         – a savings account for gifts (weddings, birthdays, Christmas)
         – a savings account for tax payments (I know my quarterly estimated tax payment but I like to carry a balance in the account as I often owe money anyways come April 15th)
         I have direct deposits for $50-100 per paycheck into each of those, and then I figure out how much I can afford for a gift or vacation from there. Anything left over after those savings goals goes to my “main” account, which then becomes my budget for my bi-weekly food, transportation, entertainment, etc.

   3. I guess this depends on how much money you have compared to how much you spend, but I’ve always been a spending tracker rather than a budgeter, even as a grad student on a very low salary in a VHCOL area. As long as you put most of your spending on credit cards, it’s easy to download each month, even if you have a few. I make a rough budget with the essentials (rent, insurance, food etc.) to get a sense of how much I have available for other things, but after that, I just track everything, assign categories and add it all up at the end of the year so I know how much I spent on everything and can make more complete budgets going forward and adjust spending as needed. I also track net worth monthly and make sure I put plenty into savings (priority #1, after essential spending), reevaluating as needed. I highly recommend living like a grad student for as long as you can and putting the difference into savings, while still leaving room for some fun stuff.

   4. I used envelope budgeting with Goodbudget (a free alternative to YNAB) for about eight years, and finally moved away from it last autumn to a system where I replicate the non-monthly envelopes by the use of multiple savings accounts.

   5. I have never been able to stick to a budgeting software or anything like that. Here’s what I do — it’s a bit “fuzzy” but it works for me.

      Retirement and other long term savings auto-deduct, and I pay rent out of my checking, and I spend what’s left. I know that I can take out X amount of cash and spend up to Y on my card per month (If I need more cash for some reason I adjust the other number accordingly). This leaves me with Z “extra” in my account at the end of the month. Some months that “extra” goes towards an anticipated annual expense, and the rest of the time it builds up to pay for trips or larger than usual expenses (like furniture). If I have a mini-emergency (like an unexpected vet bill) I use the “extra” to cover it if possible. I also know that A is my autopay bills and subscriptions on my credit card and B is my baseline grocery/toiletries/cleaning supplies budget, so that the actual amount I can spend is C. Some months C is all take out and dinners out, other months there’s more clothes or more books and less eating out. I check my credit card several times a week and I have a sense of where I am in the month — if I’m spending more than usual, I slow down for the rest of the month (i.e. skip the bookstore, pick a cheaper restaurant, pack my lunch).

      I usually take trips in the summer and early fall, and in the winter I let that “extra” build up so by early spring I have a good sense of what my budget is going to be for trips. If that feels like not enough, I can then cut back on other stuff for a few months to let the amount build up a bit more before vacation season.

   6. Do you actually need a budget? DH and I are generally just…not spenders, but we tried to budget since that’s what society tells adults to do. We could not motivate ourselves to actually do the labour of spreadsheets, calculations etc because there was no benefit to us, having a budget didn’t mean we spent less, we already did that, budgeting just meant paperwork so we decided not to.

   7. I have a spreadsheet for each account with a tab for each year, a column for each spending and income category, and a row for each day of the year. I have the annual expense columns clustered together, the monthly ones clustered together, the weekly ones clustered together, then the ad hoc ones clustered together. I enter the known and anticipated expenses and income on the appropriate dates for the entire coming year (actually, I usually project it out for a few years ahead), and adjust as needed. The final column calculates my account balance for any given day depending on what is entered into that row. I reconcile it against the actual account statement every so often (usually takes all of 5 minutes per account). It takes some setting up, but I have been using this system for over a decade now and it works for me. I can see at a glance the impact of spending or saving money and can factor in any upcoming expenses so I am not surprised by them.

   8. I like a zero based budget system, where the “envelopes” are categories in my budgeting account (envelope or sinking fund are also common terms), or categories for monthly spending. I have a budgeting category for travel, one for gifts, one for clothes, one for hosting etc. Every payday my allotted monthly funds for these purposes go into the budgeting account, and I update the balance for the categories. If I spend anything in these categories, I’ll transfer the money back out from my budgeting account to cover the expense on my debit or credit card. And then I update the balance again.

      I’ve made my own excel sheets to keep track, but if I needed one, I’d consider getting or making something like the style here (link to a monthly budget template by “Budget girl” on youtube).
      https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/756327569/monthly-budget-template-zero-based

   9. This (digital) envelope system seems like it’s worth trying. I’d heard of cash envelopes as a way to reign in spending. I’m going to look into YNAB (which I’ve avoided because I don’t like to pay for financial tools) and Goodbudget – Mint is not cutting it anymore.

      One more question – when you talk about DIY-ing with a spreadsheet, how hard was it to set up? Are you talking sophisticated Excel skills here or just a time investment? I wouldn’t mind spending a couple hours going through templates to set this up if it saves me time moving forward. Thanks!

      @3:45, I’m not a huge spender, but I stress about money. Having a budget is useful because then I don’t second guess every purchase I make, I can feel fine about it because it’s within budget.

      1. I am the DIY Excel poster above. It took me a few minutes to set up and no fancy Excel skills. I have two tabs.

         1. Expenses
         Columns: Date, Payee, Category, Memo, Amount

         2. Summary
         Columns: Category, Carryover, Transfer, Budget, Expenses, Remaining

         The Category column on the Expenses tab is limited to values in the Category tab on the Summary tab.
         Carryover is the amount left in the category at the end of last month.
         Transfer is for moving funds between categories in the current month. To transfer, I put a negative value in the transfer column for the category from which I’m taking the funds, and a corresponding positive value for the category to which I am moving the funds.
         Budget is the amount added to the “envelope” for that category each month.
         Expenses is the total of expenses recorded in this category on the Expenses tab. I use the sumif function.
         Remaining = Carryover + Transfer + Budget – Expenses for each category
         At the bottom, I total the Carryover, Transfer, Budget, Expenses, and Remaining columns. Transfer should always sum to zero.

         At the end of the month, I create a new copy of the spreadsheet with the totals from Remaining in last month’s spreadsheet in the Carryover column of the new month’s sheet.

         I check my credit card and checking accounts almost daily and enter expenses on the Expenses tab. The Summary tab autofills. This takes maybe 2 minutes a day. Rolling over the spreadsheet at the end of the month takes another 2 minutes.

      2. The most sophisticated thing my excel spreadsheet started with was a sum of each entry in the row subtracted from the row total cell above, filled down the entire column for the year (i.e., just copy and pasted), with freeze panes turned on so I can see column headers as I scroll down. I do have lots of fancy formatting included over the years to make it prettier and easier/lazier to use and navigate, but I just built that out as I felt like it.

   10. I track this via spreadsheet that I manually update myself about once a week. DH thinks I’m crazy for all the tracking, but it brings me a lot of peace especially around spending a lot of money knowing we have it allocated. If you’re interested in what I have, you can drop a burner and I’ll share it with you.
       I average my monthly bills (groceries, gas, mortgage, energy, etc), add in the long term bills (water, cc fees, subscriptions), and then split out the remaining into buckets for what I know I’ll eventually spend money on (shopping, dog, events, gifts, travel)
       I have it month by month and then add in a formula to take into account what I spent over/under from the previous month to add into my remaining budget.
       I think you should track your current spending without a budget in mind first so you know what realistic goals are for you. When I first started doing this a few years ago, I was horrified to find out my monthly grocery shopping bill. It’s very eye opening

       1. Thank you! I would find that very helpful – anon561313 at google’s mail

5. Lately I find myself having zero interest in finding a new job even though I need a new job. Anyone else feel this way? My current job is “fine” — it pays well; I don’t like the work; it’s not at all taxing but because of that I’m stagnating and learning nothing; it’s a government jobs so the benefits are good as is the salary (because I’m fairly senior) and I can stay forever. I came from biglaw and while some of my government coworkers who haven’t done biglaw ever are leaving with huge signing bonuses etc. since the firms are so busy. I did that for 8-9 years and have NO desire to go back (not saying I could even be hired back 15 years out of school). Yet NOTHING excites me. Not staying in the government. Not biglaw. Not mid/regional law. In house seems – meh. Not consulting — which was something I was looking at but now feel like OMG I’m old (40), it would be SO much work even though I like business side work.

   In the past I’ve felt like SOMETHING excites me whether I can get that job or not. Now it feels like NOTHING is exciting. I actually don’t think it’s the pandemic though I have gone from being super patient about the pandemic to now just wanting to to be back to 2019 life (I know that’s not happening even with the vaccine). Ever felt like this? Is this being 40? FWIW I don’t have kids etc. so I COULD get a job working hard but someone working hard for others’ benefit seems so unappealing. I know people would just say stay at the job you have and I’m doing that but time goes so fast, 6 years at a job where you’re stagnating is bad — 10 years or whatever would make me unmarketable. Any thoughts from the hive?

   1. Have you ever looked into the FIRE community online (Mr Money Mustache, Rich & Regular, Journey to Launch, Frugalwoods, etc)? Coasting until you hit a certain financial point, then retiring early or getting an easy job that just covers your expenses is an option. I am still working, but the FIRE community greatly informed my financial choices.I will probably peace out from working fulltime at some point. I like my job, but I don’t think I like working enough to do it for decades.

      1. OP here — interesting that you mention FIRE. It is definitely an interest and a goal and reality is I’m kind of at that mark now (just barely — like it would not be prudent to stop working right now esp as a single woman who relies on just me for income). But reality is I think my interest was always more the FI (financial independence) part more than the RE (retire early) part. I don’t want SO much unstructured time on my hands at age 40 that I’d just stop working. But I also feel like I don’t HAVE to do things I don’t really want to anymore and maybe that’s what’s messing me up, I don’t feel like I WANT anything even though I now have some flexibility. Just because I’m financially ok I don’t want go through decades more of my working life just feeling meh esp as I see my friends grinding it out in biglaw or at their start up (or whatever it is that’s good for them – not saying my interests have to match theirs).

         1. The good news is that retirement does not necessarily mean that you sit around watching tv or playing golf. MMM himself has gone through several post-retirement businesses when he felt like it. (I think he has a small co-working space now?) If you have a nest egg, you can do relatively low-paying jobs that give you joy. National/state parks employees make very little, but with a nest egg you could do that without worrying about long-term finances. Or you be a receptionist and make your real focus your salsa dancing, or reading library books, or volunteering, or whatever. If you can’t even think of something you’d like, you probably need to take a break.

            1. The stock market is so inflated right now that I’d be hesitant to retire early unless it looked like you had at least twice as much money as you thought you’d need.

      2. This is my plan. Husband and I fantasize on a daily basis on what our Barista FIRE job options could be (ie, quit high hours/high stress jobs at 50, find a true 40 hour a week or less job just for health insurance for a few years before retiring fully.)

      3. I’m mid 50s and in the coasting phase, kind of. I have my own business and I work part time unless on a really busy project. I keep track of our overall retirement and non-retirement savings and make sure our wealth is still growing on a net basis, but even if we just break even I’m OK with it. I don’t want to take another full time job again.

         The key is of course saving a lot during the slaving away year, and being realistic about big items like house, cars, vacations, and college savings.

   2. I am you. I am torn being between tired of babysitting irresponsible clients at work (who are then lauded for their accomplishments) while being well paid and relatively low stress or striking out for an interesting, challenging job that I (hopefully) love with higher pay (which is nice, but not necessary and most likely accompanied by more work).

      It’s a good spot to be in but my working years just seem so…long.

      Then again, FIRE and walking away from a solid income with good benefits seems risky too.

      All I really enjoy is being on vacation with my kids and dog. I guess I am not good at being a grownup.

      1. Reading things like this makes me feel more inclined to work high powered, exciting jobs in my 20s even if the hours are long or it’s stressful, because at some point I will want/need to take a less exciting job and at least I’ll feel like it did it (whatever it means to you) at some point in my life.

   3. I feel exactly the same and am also 15 years out of law school, though in-house. I think it’s that we’ve seen enough of our practice areas and realize that at the end of the day, what we do just isn’t that exciting or interesting. I’ve gotten excitement in the past through working with innovative companies, or high growth companies, or building my team or getting involved in strategy, but those things seem like they’ve just been temporary distractions from what my actual job is, which is being a lawyer. And now that I’m job searching again, I can’t muster any excitement over any job because I’ll still just be reviewing contracts or managing litigation, even if the company is more interesting/challenging/exciting than my current one. I have also thought about consulting but, like you, can’t imagine putting that much effort into growing something by myself at this age. I’m also single and child-free, so I think at this point in most people’s careers they’re focused on other things, whereas I still just primarily have work. No advice, just commiseration!

6. Bed poll: 1) Does your bed have a headboard? 2) Do you view a bed without a headboard to give the college kid/not very adult vibe?

   1. 1) yes
      2) no, but it depends on what the rest of the room looks like

   2. Yes to both.
      But I wouldn’t say anything to a friend if I saw their bed didn’t have a headboard. I can see why someone wouldn’t find it necessary if they never sit up in bed (I read before bed, so I love having one). .

   3. Yes to both but I’m not gonna be in your bedroom so what do I care?

      1. +1

         Also I read in bed so I selected by bed to have an upholstered headboard that’s at a comfortable angle to lean against for reading. A friend selected her headboard to be conducive to her preferred activities for gardening.

   4. Barely- my bed is a canopy bed (no top, just curtains on 3 sides- my dream of a princess bed, fulfilled in my late 20s). It has two very narrow metal bars running across the frame at the head of the bed. The pillows cover it so it functionally doesn’t. The bed before was a low ikea bed with a headboard I hated from day 2 because it was too low and dug into my back when I was trying to sit up and read.

   5. 1) Yes. Full bed frame with head and foot board.
      2) Yes, unless it’s a full continental platform.

      Do I care if other (non-college kid) people have a bed without a headboard? Certainly not.

      A headboard or bed frame is both practical (something to lean back on or hang on to) and more cozy.

   6. I don’t have a headboard right now because I can’t decide on one I like. I have framed art hanging above my bed and tbh it looks totally fine to me.

   7. Yes to both, but also I am 47 and never owned a real bed beyond a box spring/mattress/mattress frame until 2 years ago.

   8. My headboard is almost 6ft high. It’s a true statement piece and is not for everyone. But I loooooove it. If you don’t have a headboard, I see it as a style choice, nothing else.

   9. 1) No.
      2) Out of sheer self-defense, no.*

      *But I would like to have one nevertheless.

   10. I have severe dust allergies and view headboards as dust/mite collectors, especially the upholstered ones, so no.

   11. 1) Wooden bed frame with headboard, footboard, and rails.
       2) Not necessarily juvenile, more cheap 1970s outdated.

   12. This is relevant as our small bedroom won’t fit a traditional headboard (about eight inches of the bed are under a window). So I currently don’t have anything, but I’m planning to install floating shelves + art or a large macrame wall hanging (we have a boho vibe) to give the feeling of a headboard without one.

   13. 1. No
       2. Sort of, but also see #1. We do have a body pillow in a pretty decorative sham against the wall where a headboard would go, and it is way more comfortable for reading in bed than a headboard, and also covers that creepy gap at the top of the mattress where I am sure monstrously large spiders would otherwise crawl out from during the night.

   14. Who cares! I have a bed from about a decade ago and want a new one. I was going to get a new one around Memorial Day 2020 but obviously that didn’t happen. I have a friend who has full bedroom set and she’s single in her early 30’s, no kids, and rents. I also have friends that have choppy pieces, no actual sets, some hand me downs and own a large home, 2 kids, husband, etc. Adult is subjective.

   15. 1) Nope but I have wood platform frame from west elm, not just a metal frame from the mattress store, if that means anything)
       2) Also nope, unless you pair it with christmas lights and a Klimt poster

   16. 1) yes
       2) yes

   17. No (this is an intentional design choice) and no.

   18. Yes; yeah, pretty much.

7. I am getting my haircut for the first time since before COVID now that I am fully vaccinated (I’m high risk and haven’t felt safe doing it, although I could have gotten it done almost a year ago) and I am going back to a pixie cut and I am SO EXCITED. I have hated how my hair looked every single day since about May 2020 so this is just the best.

   1. I hit my “fully vaxxed” date this week and I have a massage scheduled for this weekend. Soooooooo excited.

   2. I went to the grocery store 1.5 weeks after my 2nd vax and basically danced down the aisle. We’ve been doing delivery only for a year. (High risk)

   3. From someone who spontaneously got a pixie cut and then spent the next two years regretting it as it few out: make sure you really want it and you’re committed to the upkeep and maintenance. I had to spend more time and money on my hair when it was short and the growing out process was hideous. Never again!!

      1. I had a pixie for 10 years before COVID ;)

   4. Congratulations! I am fully vaxxed and just had my pixie restored last week. It really is the best. I am one step closer to feeling like myself again.

      1. Right? I feel like myself again. I love having a pixie and I have hated my hair for 11 months now. I am SO HAPPY and it looks so good.

   5. Fully vaxxed and my first hair cut since February 2020 is next week and highlights the week after and I am so, so excited, too. I’ve even toyed with the idea of longish bangs because I am so hungry to have a real “style” again. Eye appointment two weeks from now and I no longer feel like I have to “ration” my contacts.

   6. Congrats! I am in the same boat, got vaxxed and now I’m hitting up the best stylist we have around (there’s not that many in my humdrum area) to get a cut and getting it colored for the first time since I was in high school (and even then, it was a very boring one color, at home dye job that was not that exciting, this time I’m going all for out).

      Pixie cuts are the best! When they work, they really work and they look great and are so little effort!

8. I’ve posted a few times recently with home decor questions, and I think it’s because I’ve been stuck at home for a year and am getting tired of things in my house…so here’s another one.

   Help me with my bathroom. It has light pink floor tiles which come halfway up the walls, light pink tiled countertop and backsplash, a white tiled shower, white walls, and white counters. I hate all the pink, but this house is a rental, so the tile isn’t going anywhere. What color would you paint the walls, and what color towels/rugs would you buy? Any other ideas to make me hate it less, other than a sledgehammer?

   1. Depends on the style. Is it a 1930s pink bathroom, because I would lean hard into that aesthetic and add some black or jadeite green.

      If it’s more recent I’d do off-white everything to try to beige out the pink. (By off white I mean a warm white, not a white white)

   2. I’d lean into the soft natural tones of pink look and paint the wall either a bright white, almost white beige, or light sage, then decorate with nature tones like lots of plants (real or fake), sage bathroom mat, medium brown towels, bathroom accessories with floral designs, etc.

   3. Light grey walls will work with light pink. Do the same level of lightness in the grey as the pink (same tint and saturation). White towels.

      Or you could do a contrasting color, where you choose a different color than pink, but matching tint and saturation. A light teal, or light green could work. If you do a color on the wall, I’d choose towels in a complementary but different third color – but same tint and saturation levels.

      1. I have this bathroom, only its pink tiles, black tile trim and white door and window trim. I went with an obvious gray (vs a white with gray undertones) and have gray towels.

   4. Google “Mamie pink bathrooms” for some inspiration.

   5. I would paint the walls jade green, buy a patterned bath mat in shades of brown, tan, and white, buy white towels, and to the extent possible, add gold accents and a live plant or two in your decor.

   6. Navy! I love navy and pink, but I’m a vintage tile Stan so ymmv.

   7. I say paint it aqua and go full Miami Vice!

9. 1) No headboard, but only because my bedroom is narrow (I’m in a rowhouse, the whole house is narrow) and I didn’t want to sacrifice *any* floorspace.
   2) Yes, I don’t love the look and am considering some sort of faux headboard.

10. I’m hosting a Q&A tomorrow with a leader in my company about his “leadership journey”. I have a list of questions to start from, but I’m wondering if any ‘Rettes have any inspiring or interesting questions to ask about leadership.

    Audience is all levels in our company. Thanks for any ideas!

    1. What were some of your biggest mistakes and what did you learn from them?

    2. How do you ensure that you are getting input from your entire team and not just the ones who speak the loudest/most frequently?

       What’s a situation you look back on and wish you’d handled differently?

       How has leadership and what it means to be a leader changed over the course of your career?

    3. What’s a good habit that has helped you in your career?

    4. What advice for career advancement would you give someone who is not a natural leader nor feels the urge to be? Is there even advancement potential for someone who doesn’t see themselves in a leadership role?

11. Looking for gift ideas for a friend who is defending her dissertation in a few weeks. I will probably send flowers, but wondering if there are any more substantial gift ideas. She will be heading to a two year work fellowship in the fall.

    1. On Etsy, search “Ph D book sculpture.” One of my staff has one and it is really cool. She also has a Yeti mug engraved with her name and title.

       Another of my staff has a mug emblazoned with “Ph.D.: Taking your B.S. to a whole new level.”

       1. I have a PhD and want this mug!!!

    2. When my BFF finished her PhD, I sent money to go out for dinner. As an economist, she loved it.

    3. Gift card for Starbucks/coffee shop of choice for committee meeting snacks? Massage or fancy dinner to celebrate? Crate of champagne?

       I’d suggest a housecleaner visit, but lets be honest, when I was procrastinating on prepping for my defense, my house ended up spotless

    4. I got a friend a GrubHub gift card for the week leading up to her defense. She barely had time to shower let alone cook with all the preparation.

    5. OP here—Thanks everyone! These are all great ideas.

12. Book recommendations:

    Down Girl- The Logic of Misogyny by Kate Manne. This is an academic work of philosophy, but if you’re up for that it’s very compelling. This is the author who coined the term “himpathy.” I’m waiting for her 2020 book next.

    Year of Wonders by Geraldine Brooks (fiction). I couldn’t have handled this at the beginning of Covid, as it’s about the black plague (based on facts known about a specific town in England). There are so many common themes: wild guesses about treatment and prevention, blatantly valuing some lives over others, rich people vacating to their country homes, profiteering, scapegoating….

    1. Both of these look fascinating, screenshotting them to get from the library later!

    2. Year of Wonders is one of my all-time favorite books. People of the Book and Caleb’s Crossing are two more by her that I really like. I haven’t read her newest one, The Secret Chord, but it looks good.

    3. I love Geraldine Brooks, and Year of Wonders is one of my favorites. Another pandemic book I read recently and enjoyed was The Pull of the Stars by Emma Donoghue, about the 1918 flu in a Dublin maternity ward.

       1. I just read this over the weekend and it was FANTASTIC. I love Emma Donoghue’s books and this might be my new favourite.

    4. I read Year of Wonders last year and didn’t think I’d be able to handle it because of COVID, but it was so, so good. I also read March after that and liked it a lot. Caleb’s Crossing is on the list!

    5. Year of Wonders is one of my all-time faves. Another plague favorite is Doomsday Book, by Connie Willis – it’s one of her Oxford time travel books

13. What looks current to wear over a sundress or sleeveless dress for warmth in overly-air conditioned rooms? Looking for suggestions for both formal and informal occasions. This is not for work, so no blazers please and no jean jackets.

    1. Army jacket.

    2. A cardigan?

    3. I think utility jacket looks a lot more modern than jean anyway (if it’s too cold or formal for a cardigan).

    4. It looks like bomber jackets are back in and a cropped bomber worn open with either sporty stripes or a floral pattern sounds so comfortable over a sundress. I’d find one with silk lining if I were buying something new.

14. Posting for additional advice on transitioning to data science or data analyst roles. When applying for jobs, should I restrict myself to industries where I have some background knowledge? I have a PhD in a scientific field, so as an example I applied for a job in a pharmaceuticals company that required some knowledge of chemistry. But at the same time I have seen roles at companies in other industries that list the exact programming skills that I have. I am very open to working in other industries but I am not sure if my past experiences as a PhD then a postdoc might be viewed as a negative by some recruiters and hiring managers. Would love some perspective on this from those with experience on the hiring side or those who have worked with people in data roles. Thanks!

    1. I hire Ph.D. quantitative social scientists for some of the types of roles you are probably considering, at a quasi-academic nonprofit organization. When interviewing candidates from outside our niche field, we always look for a plausible and compelling story as to why they’ve applied with our organization and where they see themselves headed. We also look for an understanding of our organizational mission and the type of work we do. People who just want a job don’t tend to do well or to stick around for very long. People who misconstrue our mission (no, we do not do advocacy) also tend to wash out. People who make the effort to understand exactly what it is we do, and who see themselves and their skills contributing to our mission, make the best hires.

       1. Pretty good career advice for any role in any industry, really!

    2. No harm in applying to them all. I worked for an insurance company and we focused on programming skills rather than what the PhD was in. Physics was fine, chemistry was fine, math was fine. As long as they could handle lots of data, we were good.

       1. +1
          Data skills are very flexible and transferrable.

    3. Apply anywhere. We’ve hired data scientists from all kinds of specialities. What we care about is your math, programming, and critical thinking skills. Just frame your resume and cover letter in terms of that. Also be sure to explain why you’re interested in the new field.

    4. Just putting in a pitch for media. Our digital data folks oversee a team of in-house and external programmers. Data science and analyst roles are key to working with our database and integrating all of the other functions, from audience dev and management, product development to delivering behavior-based performance information and attribution to advertisers. I think you would be shocked at all of the practical applications a data science background and some exposure to data integration can have.

    5. As a project-based SME, I hated having to teach the criminal justice system to techies every few months, so some familiarity helps, but it’s not necessary at all if you can build the tools to extract the data and then explain it.

    6. If you post a burner I can email you a job posting at a friend’s company.

15. I feel so much anger today and there’s no particular reason why. I know this type of anger is a symptom of depression to me. I’m on meds, I go to a therapist normally, but my appointment this week is later in the week.
    I’m not angry about the news or the world or something, that’s not how it is for me. Yes some very annoying things happened at work but I was this angry before that started. I had a good weekend. I actually have a little road trip planned for next weekend. I’ve had some days off, but I haven’t gone on a trip without working at all since summer 2019.
    I twisted my ankle so I can’t really go for a walk/run/swim. Idk about yoga.
    Also, because I know someone will react this way, when I get angry it rarely affects other people. At most I am outwardly irritated, or mean, but especially at work apparently no one can tell.
    Ugh it’s just like a bad slump. I felt like this a bit yesterday too but I figured it was just a case of the Monday’s.
    This is mainly a vent, but any advice would be welcome. I have texted friends, but I don’t really want to bother them in the middle of the work day with “I am feeling uncontrollable rage that you can’t do anything about anyways”. I was thinking of but then put off getting a manicure tonight (I’m vaccinated, it’s masked and distanced etc) but maybe I should do it.

    1. Wow the good cry I had while writing this has worked wonders. So thanks for being rubber ducks y’all!

    2. Yes to the manicure. The human contact will do you good. When you get home, try Sarabeth Yoga’s “Yin Yoga to Relax and Unwind” free on youtube. It’s even great right before bed. All seated and on your back so you won’t hurt your ankle, and you will feel better after.

    3. I get grumpy and mad at everyone from time to time. In the moment, I think it’s because everyone is being an asshole. In hindsight, it’s often me who was being the asshole. I try to remember those hindsight when I’m in the middle of an everyone-is-a-jerk mood.

       For now, a milkshake and some self indulgence.

    4. I feel this way sometimes. My latest theory is that I am a “highly sensitive person” and these are “sensory meltdowns” caused by too much input. Search the web for an explanation and see if you fit the description. Several hours of alone time outdoors or in a neat, clean room with a book and no phone does wonders for me. Having a rational explanation for the feeling and knowing that it will subside in time if I take the proper actions also makes it easier to cope.

    5. This feels familiar to me. It tends to happen when I haven’t gotten enough restorative downtime, which often means being left alone.

16. Chauvin guilty on all counts!

    1. I really couldn’t believe it until I watched the video of the judge reading out the verdict.
       George Floyd’s family (via their attorney) released a statement: https://www.cnn.com/us/live-news/derek-chauvin-trial-04-20-21/h_cd66569e8dee0c71436cca41201a128f

       1. The statement is great; thanks for the link.

17. Oh, thank god. The jury did the right thing.

    1. Bail revoked, remanded into custody.

18. Chauvin question –

    He was charged with 3 crimes, 2 of which have “the presumptive sentence is 12.5 years.” and the other one 4 years. Does that mean we think he’ll get 40 years total? Or at the sentences served concurrently?

    1. In my state they would have to be concurrent.

       Just hoping that between Biden running his mouth and Maxine Waters running hers, there is no mischief coming on the inevitable appeal. I really hope I’m wrong, but I don’t have a good feeling.

       1. “Running her mouth”??? Yikes.

          1. Speaking without thinking. We don’t have show trials here. We need for jurors to be able to do their work without fear that harm will come to them or their families if they vote one way or the other, either from the government or from vigilantes. The appearance of fairness is important. Biden and Waters should have known better.

             1. I agree with this. I believe the correct verdict was reached based on the evidence and that Biden and Waters should not have muddied the waters this way. If this goes to appeal, that could be a big problem.

             2. I don’t think it will be a problem at all on appeal. The jury was sequestered. They wouldn’t have known about the statements until after they reached their verdict. I do agree that generally the appearance of fairness is important and everyone should have waited to make a statement about the case until the verdict was in.

             3. Biden waited until the jury was out and sequestered to make his statement.

    2. In my state it is completely up to the judge to decide whether to run the sentences concurrently, consecutively, or some combination. (It would not be unusual in my State to run the two 12.5 counts concurrently and then run an additional 4 years consecutive to the 12.5.)

       1. As a follow up I will also say that in my State, these three verdicts likely result in double jeopardy and so he would only ultimately be sentenced on the greatest count. I don’t know the specifics of the law in MN to know whether that is likely to happen in this case as well.

       2. IIRC these (at least in my state) would be lesser included offenses. In that case, my state would mandate concurrent sentences (or sentencing on the greatest charge). You could only get consecutive if there are different non-common elements (robbery and homicide; kidnapping and arson). Otherwise, you could add an aggravated assault charge and those years and so on and so on. This seems like a bar exam staple.

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