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One job hazard of writing for a fashion and lifestyle blog is that I’m constantly accosting friends and colleagues and demanding to know where they purchased whatever dress, blazer, or skirt they’re wearing that day. I hope they find it flattering and not intrusive, because it’s just RESEARCH, people!
I was disappointed today when I jogged down the hall to shout-ask a coworker where she’d purchased her pink tweed blazer, only to find out that it was several seasons old.
Fortunately, this one from Ann Taylor looks like a pretty good duplicate. A jacket like this is going to really pop on videoconference and would be great for any speeches or other speaking engagements where you want your square on Zoom to stand out.
The blazer is $169 (but be on the lookout for frequent sales) and is available in sizes 00–18.
Eloquii has a plus-size option in a brighter pink; it's $99.95, but you can get 40% off today with code MAJOR, which brings it down to $59.97.
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Ellen
Elizabeth, I LOVE the pink blazer, and the casual look is what we need now that we are beginning to go back to work in the office. I am so glad b/c I now go in 2x a week (Monday and Thursday) and keep working from home the rest of the week.
Does anyone know if clotheing designers are adjusting sizes on a post pandemic basis to account for the fact that some of us (me included) have put on pounds in the belly and tuchus sitting around? I do not want to wear wrap dresses every day (even tho I love DVF), but we need to look fashionable while we slowly work off our tuchi and belly fat, but this will take time. I do NOT want to have to buy size 6 and 8 b/c those still will not fit my new body shapes. If the clotheing is adjusted, we can keep our sizes while we reduce. If they want to distinguish, mabye they can label a 4 as a 4C (for Corona, which could cover both tuchus and belly) or 4T (just for tuchus but not belly) or 4B (just for belly, but not tuchus). I think this would be a great idea! How about it Elizabeth and Kat? You may be more svelte then me, but alot of the hive also need guidance and new clotheing would be great for the bottom line as we recover from the COVID.
Clementine
So just yesterday I mentioned that I have a job where I’ve realized I basically can’t get fired. I have this special niche knowledge that also though means that they keep saying they want me to stay where I am and promote me… but then I am told that for weird government reasons, they can’t promote me. I also have an inherited staff that is… an adventure.
Well, staff that’s driving me insane and I can’t fire plus being told they will promote me but just ‘can’t right now’ plus the fact that my office is very resistant to WFH (which I love)… last night I found myself on LinkedIn looking at other jobs. There’s one that looks… really good.
I don’t want to switch and burn bridges, right?? But like… would it be sooo bad to go on a couple interviews? Maybe use them as leverage? I feel like a dude would.
Clementine
I really can write, I swear. Coffee needed.
anne-on
Interview! There is absolutely no reason for you to be more loyal to your job than they are to you. I wouldn’t use it as leverage though – if you’re willing to interview, I find you’re already halfway out the door.
Anonymous
+1
No leverage. Just go on the interview. And if you get the job and decide to accept, just be polite to your current employer and explain that you’ve found a new opportunity.
Anon
+1 – leverage is only a short term gain, if it’s a better job, take it
anonnnn
+2
MagicUnicorn
Interviewing and even leaving for a new job is not burning a bridge, unless you choose to leave in a spectacularly bad manner or your company thinks they own you and are entitled to keep you for your entire working life.
Anon
This exactly. I’m trying to imagine someone bashing you for this. “We hate Clementine. After working for us for five years, she got another job and gave us two weeks’ notice.”
Anon
I suspect that will happen when I leave my firm. I’m allegedly a key part of my boss’s succession planning but despite waiting more years than is reasonable, I don’t have the pay or title commiserate with my work. So, I’m looking. But he is likely going to act blindsided and be all “what am I going to do now???” Add to that our billing person just left and he will have a conniption. Not my problem.
Clementine
Yeah, the situation is more that I was brought in with the idea that they needed to succession plan. So I rebuilt a department, gave structure, keep taking on ‘problem’ areas and fixing them, became an indispensable SME in weird niche areas…
All the while, they have been saying that they’re gonna promote me. And my boss has been coaching me and I have a great reputation and all those parts are great.
…I would burn the bridge because I would leave them in a lurch and basically ruin somebody’s ‘I’m about to retire’ (but will they actually ever retire…?) secession plan. Government, so there’s no way to have overlapping staff for me to train someone and even if I left perfect documentation, there’s a fair amount of interpretation that has to be learned outside of just being written down.
Clementine
SUCCESSION.
Good news – my field is NOT copy editing.
Anon
I’m going to change my name from Anon to Broken Record. Your higher-ups are paid a lot of money to plan for people leaving, retiring, dropping dead, or going part time because a pandemic forced them to homeschool their four kids. They are not paid all of that money for life to go swimmingly at the expense of the people underneath them in the hierarchy; they are paid to ensure the smooth operations of the business, whatever may happen.
ArenKay
Everything anonymous at 11:47 said is entirely correct. Their failures to manage for the future are on them, not you. You should totally interview, and if this job really is better, take it. Also, I suspect that last typo is a Freudian slip; you want to have a secession plan for your job!
anonnnn
Echoing – none of what you listed is your problem Clementine. That’s on them.
Ses
Is there some government-specific reason this would burn bridges? Leaving a job for these reasons seems normal unless you just got into the role, (although that’s ok once in a CV, just not as a pattern).
No Face
Definitely go get a new job! I’ve left multiple law firms, and I am on very good terms with nearly everyone I knew at all of them. Someone from Law Firm 1 is trying to recruit me to Biglaw right now actually.
Anonymous
What are you even talking about? Get a hold of yourself. Of course you can and should change jobs if you want. How is this a question?
Anon
+1
This is bizarre.
Anonymous
+1. Of course you can change jobs anytime for any reason.
Clementine
Lol, thank you, I needed this.
I could have probably framed it differently but… I think I just had to blurt out my swirling thoughts.
I have a good gig. I basically can’t be fired, there is (supposedly) a clear path forward for me, I enjoy much of my job, and have a good amount of flexibility (which is nice because I have a young family). It’s a stable government job with a pension.
I wasn’t looking but this was all spurred by one of those LinkedIn ‘jobs you might like’ emails that got me thinking…
Anon
Keep thinking. I also am having a hard time imagining a man in your shoes – doing a great job, can’t get fired, but we unfortunately can’t promote you – being worried about burning bridges. Have the confidence of a mediocre white man!
Anonymous
Yeah all of your reasons are nonsense. Job hunt
anonnnn
Yes, and . . . so what? If you want a new job, find a new job. If a new better job presents itself, take the new better job.
anon
I also work in government and I find that people leave all the time. Mostly to other government jobs because they want to keep government benefits but it’s really typical to move out in order to move up. We’ve lost 3 in our group of 10 this quarter alone. They may be right that red tapes are preventing them from promoting you. Some agencies don’t have a great ladder, so even after you’re promoted you may be wondering what’s next. The same red tapes are preventing my agency from giving us WFH benefits (although I think management has preferences and thus also doesn’t try too hard). If you find better opportunities you should go for it. In most situations that would not lead to bridges burnt. And if it does, then wow, you don’t want to work for these people anyway.
anon a mouse
This internet stranger supports applying and interviewing! I’m a firm believer that when you start thinking about interviews, you’re ready to leave your job. You have the luxury of being able to wait for the right fit, but it’s clear that’s where your head is.
Anon
I was you, niche knowledge, governmental job, hurdles, etc. I applied for an outside job, and huh, amazing! All the bureaucratic rules preventing my promotion and raise and raise suddenly disappeared. If you are willing to leave if your current job doesn’t come through (I was, if it came to that), I would go for it.
Clementine
Hi, thank you all for your comments.
I think this is the actual outcome I want. I want the promotion I’ve been promised over and over. I know they can make it happen, but right now they have no urgency on it. I think I want to interview to create urgency.
And I will 100% leave this job if it doesn’t come through. In a timely manner.
Anonymous
So then what happens the next time they promise you something and don’t follow through? You’re trying to strong arm them into something they clearly don’t see as important. This is not a place I would want to stay long-term.
Anon
Absolutely apply. There is no world where you are burning bridges if you leave unless there is something you are not telling us, or as noted if you do it in a spectacularly negative fashion.
Do not do it to use it as leverage unless that’s something your specific niche industry does often and you’ve witnessed it work out well. Although there is a difference in purposefully using it as leverage and being genuinely happily surprised by what they are willing to counter with and reconsidering from there (but proceed with caution).
I’m going to disagree with others that simply interviewing means your ready to move on/halfway out the door. I’ve definitely had conversations when I haven’t had intentions to leave, simply to try to see if they impress me as much as them checking me out. (I would not do this if I was 100% not willing to leave my job for anything, but that’s different than being halfway out the door; and I doubt that truly applies for many people). I just hate to create the mental bar on here that someone feeling unsure about having new job conversations feels like they should only do that if they are halfway out the door.
Anon
Omg getting a new job is not burning bridges. Trust me, your employer does not think you’re truly irreplaceable.
Anon
Clementine, loyalty is considered admirable but you seem to be suffering from an overabundance of it.
I am an older Gen X. When Millenials were entering the workforce, my Boomer and Xer colleagues were complaining that Millenials were job hoppers and had no loyalty. On the other hand, the company we worked for regularly laid off great swaths of people with no consideration for loyalty. The irony was lost on my colleagues, but I agreed with the Millenials.
Your employer would get rid of you IN A HEARTBEAT if they thought they could get the same thing done for less money. You like the people you work with. You can be loyal to them. But never be loyal to an employer. An employer will never love you back.
There is not one person at the company you work for whose first thought is “but what would be best for Clementine?” Everyone is focused only on themselves. And you should be too! Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t interview to give your current place an ultimatum. (That never works out.) Interview to get a new and better job where you’re paid what you’re worth.
I left my first professional job for another opportunity two years out of college. The first job paid under market and they knew it so they were constantly losing people. A guy at my same level said, when I told him I was leaving, “how can you leave when there’s so much work to do here?” And thirty years later, he’s still there. Minimally promoted but certainly not running things. His salary is probably 1/4 of mine at most. There will always be work. It’s not your job to marry yourself to the company to make sure it gets done. It’s the company’s job to do that.
Clementine
Thank you, and thank you all for telling me what I think I needed to hear but didn’t totally want to hear.
This is supposed to be my forever career path. This is the job I was hand-picked for with a clear path forward that would allow me flexibility while my family was young and then put me in a leadership role that basically my entire career has been building to. I gave up better short term opportunities because this was ‘the long game’.
And now… they’re not following through. They’re saying they will, but they’re not. And it’s hard to think I made the ‘wrong choice’ because this was supposed to be one step away from my ‘dream job’. And… it’s not. It’s a pie eating contest where the prize for winning is more pie.
(Clearly this goes much deeper than just ‘do I apply for a new job….’ for me, but… maybe it shouldn’t.)
Anonymous
I’m feeling stuck. I know that my circumstances are improving but to what end. It’s like I’m in a hole so deep, the light is so distant, that what’s the point of attempting to scale the fairly smooth walls.
anon
Is this covid related or otherwise? Because if it’s pandemic related, I’m right there with you. I have spent the last year literally trying to stay alive and sane. So many other things went by the wayside in the process, and getting back into better habits/lifestyle/whatever is daunting.
Curious
There’s an article in the NYT from Monday that described the stuck feeling — google NYT languishing. I found it really helpful.
PolyD
I’m feeling anxious because while we are getting closer to ending the pandemic, or at least significantly reducing risk, I’m anxious about what our new world will look like. I don’t want this to devolve into a fight about WFH: yea or nay? But whatever side you fall on, the workplace is going to look different and it’s going to be an adjustment for everyone.
Also fun things like the gym, theater, restaurants – I know people have been doing some of these things all along, but it’s going to be a big mental adjustment, for me at least, to get comfortable doing those things again.
The Lone Ranger
I’m not super crazy about the fringe detail, but the houndstooth version of this blazer is nice. If only I was going to return to the office.
Anon
This jacket kind of shows something I’m struggling with. The way it is slightly short and where it buttons seem to magnify the tummy area. As do mom jeans. I’m really short-waisted, so my hips start widening often where designers thing my waist should be, so the proportions combine to make a garment that strains where I am widening and are wide where I am narrow. The effect is like a bubble in the middle of a popsicle stick (I have no chest to speak of). Or things are just huge and boxy (I can deal with a little bit of boxiness but with slim pants below). My proportions are really getting out of whack when I try to mix old and new clothes (needed b/c I formerly wore tropical wool suiting separates, sweaters, sheaths and now I am wearing old-school sweatpants with words on them and a men’s large tee (but when I leave the house today, I won’t be much better). I am in an awkward phase b/c I can’t figure out how do do things well.
Anonanonanon
I feel this so much. I’m a cusp size right now and trying to lean into “wear what I want, who cares” but I struggle with even the plus size inspo all being flat stomach, hourglass. If anyone has tips in general for clothes or blogs catering to apple shapes let me know!
Anon
Right! Like they are plus-size models, but they are still *models*.
Anon
Hi! I’m a cusp-sized apple. Agree that flat-stomached plus sized inspo isn’t helpful. Wardrobe Oxygen and Katie Sturino is mentioned here a lot (but she’s not a good match for me style-wise).
This that have helped:
1) Petite sizing when possible. Petites have higher waists and can help things look better. Talbots has larger petite sizs
2) Boden (and possibly some northern European brands?) has shorter waists, which can look better
3) I’ve taken “Wear what I want, who cares’ to mean “I wear what I like and what I feel comfortable in, not what’s trendy’ This is a bit of a PITA because it leads to VERY picky shopping, but it had lead to better results. I don’t like cropped stuff, and I am willing to sit trends out. I recently read How to Get Dressed, which was written by a costumer designer, and it was helpful in me channeling this energy
Anonanonanon
This is so helpful, thank you!
Anon
I am glad you found it helpful because my grammar/spelling was atrocious. Oooof. Sorry!
Anonymous
This jacket is just cheap and poorly tailored. A cropped jacket needs to be either perfectly straight and boxy, with no closure or worn open a la the Chanel blazer, OR “Shrunken” and fitted. This is just weird and baggy.
Cat
Yes, this. I get the intended look, but I don’t think this jacket hits it.
Anonymous
FWIW I don’t think this looks like it fits the model well – it is too short and the button is too high. She looks like she needs a tall size.
Anonymous
Ann Taylor looks like this on everyone.
Anonymous
100 percent agree. It doesn’t help that most of their jackets are not vented in the back. They just don’t hang well with a straight back.
Anonymous
I have the opposite problem–I am long-waisted, so the waist of every dress and jacket squishes my ribcage and the hips of the garment fall at my waist. Tailoring is the solution. A good tailor can de-frump your clothes in other ways, too. Mine always suggests adding a slight taper to the side seams of pencil skirts and sheath dresses, and it makes such a difference.
nuqotw
I am also kind of short waisted and the one button blazer thing looks weird on me too, in exactly the way it looks weird on the model here. I cannot wait for the one button blazer trend to disappear.
Dresses with no waist seam look good on me, but my office is nearly always too cold for skirts/dresses, so that leaves pants/tops. I have a black cotton velvet vest which I’ve realized works wonders as a third piece to pull together an outfit but I haven’t found a comparable garment in a spring/summery fabric. My dream clothing splurge is two custom three piece women’s pant suits and a corresponding dresses for the ultimate set of suit options. Navy wool flannel with a dark eggplant silk lining for winter. A medium gray linen/cotton for summer.
Anonymous
Maybe go down the Internet rabbit hole for advice on how to dress your shape? I found the fruit advice really helpful; it sounds like you may be an apple.
Anonymous
I’m short-waisted as well, and my solution when it comes to blazers is to buy petite sizes. That way the waist is at the correct place.
tldr:
I’m not petite in height (5 feet 6) or overall, but I have a short/high waist and long seat, i.e. my upper body overall is of a very regular proportion to my legs – but the waist placement is very high (only one hand’s width under the bust, two is regular). Petite jackets have perfect waist placement for me, and hits at the right place at the hips. Arm length can be tricky, but often works out well, especially bracelet length.
Anonymous
Can anyone suggest steps that can be taken to keep employees who decline to wear masks or get vaccinated for religious reasons from having close contact with others that won’t lead to the decliners yelling that the steps taken are themselves a form of religious discrimination?
Yes, I know that such a complaint would be meritless. Just seeking a way to keep nonsense from disrupting the workplace.
Anon
Refusing to wear a mask or any acceptable alternative means they should be excluded from the workforce as they pose a direct threat to other employees/customers (EEOC has guidance on this). If they can’t do their job from home, you could consider a leave of absence or termination.
Anon
Refusing to wear a mask or any acceptable alternative means they should be excluded from the workforce as they pose a direct threat to other employees/customers (EEOC has guidance on this). If they can’t do their job from home, you could consider a leave of absence or termination.
Anonymous
100%. It’s not infringing on religious rights to have safety procedures in the workplace and you should not even engage in that silly argument with them. “Joe, if you refuse to wear a mask for any reason, you can work from home. The same standard is applied to any other employee who cannot wear a mask for any reason.” End of story.
Anon
I know some people who are not getting vaccinated just TO continue with WFH.
Anonymous
Fire them.
Anonymous
Agree. It’s a safety procedure issue. You can’t sue religious accommodation to exempt yourself from safety procedures.
Anonymous
use not sue
Anon
Yikes, it’s a lot more nuanced than some of these commenters are implying. If you’re considering terminating someone for this reason, you need to talk to an employment lawyer. There’s a process of determining a reasonable accommodation you have to go through, and you can’t just throw up your hands and say, “There’s no way to reasonably accommodate this.” I’m not saying you have to let this person not mask and not be vaccinated, working in a non-socially distanced environment, but it’s more of a process than some of these posters are saying.
Anonymous
I am the OP above,
The employees’ jobs involve interaction in close proximity to co-workers and members of the public constantly throughout the day. There is simply no way they can do their jobs without that contact.
Their response has been that no safety precautions are necessary because the people they interact with can wear masks if they are uncomfortable.
We tried to install a plexiglass barrier around the desk of one of them. She ranted about it being the mark of the beast and refused to accept the “accommodation.”
Anon
Talk to a lawyer. Not a board of lawyers ;)
Anon
I see no way that plexiglass could violate her religion. If she won’t accept your reasonable accommodation, she can leave.
Anon
I hear you. Unfortunately, no one on this board can tell you whether what has happened so far is legally sufficient to discipline or terminate this employee. You really need to talk to an employment lawyer in your jurisdiction about your specific circumstances.
I agree with the other posters on a personal level on a lot of their points, but this is a highly charged issue right now that WILL be litigated. Maybe your company wants to be the one to litigate it, maybe not. The riskiest thing you can do right now is just fire the employee without getting actual legal advice first.
Signed– An employment lawyer
MagicUnicorn
Did you install this plexiglass barrier on the back of her left hand or her forehead? And require it in order for her to buy or sell goods? Because otherwise it sounds like she just wants to shout about “muh freeedums!!!” and claim it is her religion.
I really hope you talk to an employment lawyer and in the meantime are able to protect your other employees and the general public from her stubborn nonsense.
Anonymous
They don’t get to decline safety. Same way someone can’t decline a hardhat because of their religious headwear. They find religious headwear that works with the hat or they don’t do the job.
Anon
This isn’t hard. You enforce requirements, which cannot include getting the vaccine (it is only approved for emergency use), across the board. If people complain about religious discrimination, inform them that reasonable accommodations do not include violating social distancing.
PolyD
What religion includes the practice of spreading disease and refusing to respect and keep safe one’s fellow humans? Just curious.
Anonymous
Probably no such religion. As far as I can tell, they are just science deniers.
Anonymous
LOL, I understand what you’re trying to say here, but any religion that discourages condoms and harm reduction measures does exactly that.
BeenThatGuy
I know your comment is in jest, I have been reading up on this type of thing because I’m bizarrely fascinated by this type of behavior. Apparently, doing anything to “prevent God’s will” is an actual “thing”. I don’t get it, like really really don’t get it, but people out there in our world believe it.
Anonymous
So what exactly is the definition of “religion” here?
PolyD
Yes, I was kind of being sarcastic. Funny how it was God’s will to have a safe, effective vaccine be developed in record time, but it’s not God’s will to actually take it?
Anon
Not on this vaccine (which I understand that it’s approval process means that you can’t make people get it), but generally, we have a lot of antivaxxers generally in my state who claim a religious exemption to that. So we already deal with measles outbreaks. My understanding of the con law issue is that you and I can’t get into whether it is a legit religion (here, there is the fetal cell line in one vaccine, so a bit more meat on the bones) or whether the believe is sincere.
I try to be a good sport, but mainstream religions are pretty much “get the shots” (or get the shots from the nonproblematic research; that is an option), but the fringe is allowed to be the fringe. Not sure how this works with hospitals. Maybe that is different.
Anon
I know that the “religious” exemption thought of here is sort of the Handmaid’s Tale end of the spectrum. In my state, it’s the other end of the spectrum doing it — Asheville is all sorts of cool and beautiful but is also where our state has measles outbreaks. IDK if these antivaxxers will also be COVID antivaxxers, but I know that the city fathers very much want all of the tourists back and breweries to be full.
Anon
Not on this vaccine (which I understand that it’s approval process means that you can’t make people get it), but generally, we have a lot of antivaxxers generally in my state who claim a religious exemption to that. So we already deal with measles outbreaks. My understanding of the con law issue is that you and I can’t get into whether it is a legit religion (here, there is the fetal cell line in one vaccine, so a bit more meat on the bones) or whether the believe is sincere.
I try to be a good sport, but mainstream religions are pretty much “get the shots” (or get the shots from the nonproblematic research; that is an option), but the fringe is allowed to be the fringe. Not sure how this works with hospitals. Maybe that is different?
Anon
From a legal perspective, it actually doesn’t matter. For very understandable reasons, we do not let employers dictate what is and is not a valid exercise of one’s religion.
From a people perspective, it actually doesn’t matter. Those who are there to complain and raise a fuss will do so despite reasonable accommodations; those who are doing so out of a desire to live out their faith are willing to roll with good-faith efforts from their employers.
Anon
Capitalism.
Anon
So just an FYI – employment lawyers are in complete disagreement over whether you can make the vaccine an employment requirement. I was on the side that you can’t while it is under EUA. Others say that applies to government employers only and that employers with at-will employee can make it a requirement to work there, so long as they provide reasonable accommodations to those with medical or religious exemptions. Some state health depts have FAQs about this.
Anon
For medical and religious vaccination exemptions, put in place an accommodation just like you would any other employee that can’t be around others for wtv reason or that can’t access the work space. Work from home is the obvious accommodation, but if their job cannot be adequately performed from home, then they can be let go because they cannot complete the central functions of the job anymore. But in general, not masking because “my rights” is against company policy – so yeah they can be fired for it. Obviously this isn’t legal advice because all those exemption and accommodation terms have a real legal meaning but working with HR on it would be easy enough.
Anon
Talk to your company’s legal and HR departments. This is nuanced, varies by jurisdiction and your company’s risk tolerance. Don’t crowd source things like this.
No Face
This is the correct response. If your company does not have HR or an in-house legal department, you must contact an employment lawyer who works in your jurisdiction specifically.
Nesprin
This seems like a job for reducto ab absurdam in the form of the flying spaghetti monster.
I have a firmly held religious belief, that his pastaness in all his noodly glory has decreed that I must remain 6 feet from everyone and I am required by the tenets of my meatball loving faith to proselytize masking and vaccination and shun the nonbeliever.
I’d love to see the lawsuit when someone claiming exemption due to religious reasons goes up against a company with firmly held religious beliefs that vaccines are required for all employees.
anon
If the others are vaxxed, what does it really matter? Your 50 employees who are vaccinated aren’t at risk from the one who isn’t
Anonymous
The vaccine doesn’t confer 100% protection. The antivaxxers, and for that matter the vaxxed employees, should be masking.
Nonnie
So, part of my role is that I manage a training that happens in smaller groups (about 50 people) at different sites across the US over the course of a year. Obviously for 2020 and 2021, we went virtual, but we’re starting to think about 2022. Do you think by February/March people will be comfortable coming together like that? For a lot of participants, it definitely involves flying and a lot of the feedback we’ve seen the last two years is that people wish they could be in person.
I think I’m trying to temper what is my own personal travel anxiety during this with knowing that my boss has been on more flights these past 12 months than I swear I have in my entire life (which is a whole other line of conversation).
anon
That seems reasonable to me. (And 100% with you on being slightly agog at the people who have been hopping on planes for fun throughout the pandemic.)
Anon
Yes, I think so. Everyone will have had access to the vaccine and plenty of time to take them. At some point, we have to return to in person trainings.
Anonymous
I think it’s too early to make a decision. By fall, it should be easier to predict what conditions will be in early 2022. My willingness to travel in 2022 depends on so many variables. Will booster shots be widely available? Will community transmission be under control or remain at current levels? Will mask mandates remain in place? What will the school and child care situation be?
Anonymous
Yes. I know a few industry conferences that are returning to in-person for this fall.
Anonymous
Hopefully! That’s a year away.
Anon
Can you do both? I can’t tell for sure from what you wrote, but it sounds like there are multiple events in different cities, so you could do those in person and also offer a virtual version? That would make it more accessible to those who can’t travel for all kinds of reasons: disability, family responsibility, cost, pandemic anxiety, whatever…
Anonymous
I wouldn’t rush back to in person. The pandemic has made me realize just how wasteful all these flights were and how much burden they put on women in particular when stuff can very easily be done virtually 99% of the time. I no longer want to participate in this huge excess of carbon emissions just to go sit there and daydream during a boring industry talk. You’ll know better whether a training truly does need to be done in person, but it seems like it doesn’t if you managed it OK with virtual. I would also definitely keep a virtual option if you do an in person component. It’s the much more inclusive way to go for people with disabilities, mothers with infants that cannot be vaccinated, or for people who do not respond to the vaccine.
Long story short, I really think we need to not rush back to “business as usual“ now that we have been given this opportunity to reimagine much of our professional lives and make things more inclusive and more effective (and more climate-friendly) for so many. I don’t find this limiting at all – I only see possibilities.
Anon
+1 – I’m also going to be very judicious in what I actually travel for and I had a hard time imagining it would be for any kind of routine training.
Anonymous
Also, consider this: While training has been offered only on line, I have been able to attend at least twice as much of it because travel costs and travel time no longer factor in to the equation. I think most training is nicer and works better in person, but from a profit perspective you may do better with on-line training.
Anon
I am maybe the only person who adores business travel, but I do. For a long time, it was the only way I went anywhere, especially anywhere new (long-time singleton who could never get anyone to travel with me for fun). And I honestly like it — I find airports interesting and love people watching. I can get work done there. And no home chores exist on travel! [I admit that I am weird that way — but I also camp and people hate that, too. I think maybe what makes a difference is that it is easy for me to sleep in new places.]
Anony
+1 I love business travel and really miss it, for exactly the reasons you do!
No Face
I also adore business travel. I love alone time in different cities. I love hotel rooms by myself.
Anon
I didn’t always love getting there, but I loved it when I finally arrived. A clean hotel room. No kid duties. Room service. Sign me up.
Anonymous
On a personal level I agree with this 100 percent. On a professional level, that’s just not how things have been shaking out for most in the events business. Virtual events typically draw only a fraction of live (we were told through multiple sources to expect 30-40 percent of regular attendance at our events both large and small and that’s pretty much what we’ve found). Sponsorships have been a lot more challenging–it’s a struggle to get not just the traffic but engagement. And there are a host of meetings that are very difficult to replicate–such as trade shows or training involving interaction with technologies or equipment on display. Content-based conferences are fairing better and something not dependent on sponsorships is somewhat easier (although pricing for virtual is almost always lower), but I think it’s naive to just think everyone is seamlessly transitioning to live. Even when you get the attendees, it’s very hard to keep them as they get distracted with their work tasks when push comes to shove and either drop off or say they’ll catch on demand and never do. The reality is that work from home is turning out to be a far easier transition than “event from home.”
Anonymous
A lot of those events need to just go away, though. I know that isn’t easy and that we need to find new ways for some people to make their livelihood (and I have a good friend/relative who works in the trade show industry so I’m really sympathetic to that). But the fact is that it’s not sustainable for our planet to fly 4,000 people to a vendor trade show multiple times a year when it’s a pretty low-value activity. It’s simply not the same as flying 3-4 executives to the same city for a high-level strategy meeting and it’s not even as valuable as a conference where research is presented.
Anon
totally agree. most of the time these things are a huge waste of time and money
No Face
The sustainability question is not that cut and dry. At the large scale events I’ve attended, the real reason to attend is to meet with many different clients and referrals sources all in the same week, without having to fly out to all of them separately. Every lunch and dinner is filled with a different set of people. It would take many, many flights to replicate that.
My husband attends vendor trade show types conferences annually in normal times, and there really is value in being able to see so many different products and materials all at once and then make a decision, instead of having manufacturing reps fly in to meet with them and demo the products individually.
Anon
No Face, you’re spot on. So many people here love wfh and never want to give it up, and I wouldn’t want to take that from them! But there’s no substitute for in person, face-to-face contact and I think businesses know that.
Anonymous
Meant to say “seamlessly transitioning to virtual.”
(FWIW, I’m someone WfH through next December and happy about that.)
Anonymous
The target audience for our events mostly works in government, and we have seen a dramatic increase in attendance at our events since we went virtual. Governments have always had severe restrictions on employee travel (except, of course, at the very highest levels), and it’s much easier to get approval and funding to attend a virtual event than to travel to one.
Anon
My professional organization has moved from live to virtual events and is charging the same amount for the virtual events! No thanks!!
Cat
I have no issues flying — we already have 4 trips booked for this summer, all of which involve flights but otherwise staying to our vaccinated selves once there.
I would not be comfortable flying to a big indoor group thing now, but am guessing in 2022 (with widespread vax, boosters, etc) I’d be OK … assuming the other attendees are also vax.
Shoe stretchers?
I need to stretch out a new pair of boots (I know they will eventually stretch because this is a replacement for an identical previous pair). The method of wearing thick socks isn’t working well for me – can anyone recommend some shoe stretchers I can buy online to do the job?
Anon
Take them to a cobbler.
Anon
I use my usual wooden shoe trees but with a pair of thick socks on each shoe tree.
anon
have you tried with a blow dryer? the low heat usually helps
Paging Female Law Clerk OP
Paging Female Law Clerks OP from earlier this week: same experience happened in my law office while planning for Administrative Professionals Day. During our weekly attorneys call, only the female attorneys volunteered to help and organize! Crickets from the men! I was especially infuriated because most of the female attorneys have been juggling zoom school/home day care, while all the men are either childless or empty nesters!
Our managing attorney later assigned each of the men to bring something or a task (including big boss) BUT how do we change this?!?!
Anon
Can these people not plan a keg party? If so, this is a keg party with a different beverage. It’s not that hard.
Can you just make some people have jobs that they are voluntold to do? And then it’s “well, we’d have a cake, but John forgot to go to the store” if it doesn’t appear.
Anonymous
I would just call it out in the moment. “It looks like the women have stepped up to volunteer so far. John, how about you, what can you take on?” Put them on the spot.
I would also make it part of performance reviews. If people do not volunteer or contribute to teamwork activities in the workplace, they will definitely get dinged in my book. I have no answers for how you can make men less selfish overall but you could punish them more.
Anon
I would never work for a manager who dinged me on a performance review for not ‘volunteering’ for things like this. If this is mandatory, then say so.
Anonymous
Oh yeah, you should absolutely make it public knowledge. “Your willingness to contribute to team events and annual holiday observances will form part of your performance review. We expect ALL employees to make contributions.” Not hard.
all about eevee
“If people do not volunteer or contribute to teamwork activities in the workplace, they will definitely get dinged in my book.” I would 100 % leave a job where a manager put this sort of thing into a performance review. I show teamwork when I work with other team members to get actual work done. It is ridiculous to expect employees to attend or plan baby showers, birthday parties, various fake business-related holidays like Administrative Professionals Day/Boss’s Day, potlucks, etc. The men aren’t participating in these things for a reason. We shouldn’t be forced to do them either.
Anon
“Our managing attorney later assigned each of the men to bring something or a task (including big boss) BUT how do we change this?!?!”
The managing attorney continues to assign tasks to all people until the men get used to being assigned these tasks.
Anonymous
At my firm, if you assign the men a task, they will delegate it to staff or an associate.
Anon
Oof.
Anon
Then, do the same? I mean that’s what I do too….
Cat
I mean, when the point is treating your admin, delegating responsibility to the admin is kind of… missing the point.
Anon
Oh I missed the admin day part of this.
Cornellian
I have no idea, but good for your managing attorney! I think that’s rare.
Anon
They had a good system in my first lawyer job where there was a small social committee of like four people who were tasked with this stuff. Everyone got put on the social committee when they were new and you dropped off basically when a new hire came on and displaced the longest tenured person left on the committee. It was just easy and then like a rite of passage. You basically planned the holiday party and stuff your first year and then you were done forever. I grasp this only works in certain sized offices and with a normal amount of turnover.
Anon
Similarly, we make it a staff/admin task. Part of their JD and there’s role clarity.
annon law clerk
Ugh that was me! It makes me sad because on one hand I am thrilled to honor the career of the judge I worked for, but why does it have to be women that think of the idea of a clerk reunion and retirement party and then execute the whole thing?! I mentioned it to a fellow male law clerk and he said “its because women love to do things like that..” UGH!! All I can say is thank god the judge hired some fantastic female attorneys over his tenure as a judge because if he only hired men no one would even acknowledge his retirement.
Anon for this
A parent is about 2 years from being eligible for social security. They work in the construction project management field (have college degree). The work is project-based, and their current project is ending imminently and company has said they have no open projects so they will be fired at end of project. Parent is weighing retiring early. They are also considering trying to find part-time remote work, to ease some of the financial burden of retiring early, and asked me to help them think of ideas. I know someone mentioned medical coding recently. Are there any other common remote part-time jobs that would be worth looking into?
Anon
Can parent not go on unemployment once terminated and have some runway to figure it out? Look into programs for displaced workers? Get a job at a community college answering phones and learn a skill part-time?
OP
Yes. Definitely going on unemployment once eligible but was looking to make a bit more, as unemployment wouldn’t fully cover their basic costs (health insurance, car payment, property tax, etc.).
good luck
Remember one good thing – once their income drops dramatically they will be eligible for a lot of assistance with an Obamacare plan, or even go on Medicaid. Unless they have a very complicated medical need, I would not recommend paying for Cobra. Cost a fortune when you are in your 60s and you wont get assistance with that.
The medical coding is a good idea, but does take some time and expense to get trained. Not sure I would do it if you were just biding time until 65. I would look for a random other job, or even temp work. If they want to continue working and delay SS longer, then yes that is a great option. If it interests them.
Digby
Just a note about COBRA rates – COBRA rates are not generally age-based. The employer has to set them at a maximum of 102% of the rates that the employer pays for active employees. I have never seen age-based active employee rates, so it would be hard for an employer to justify having age-based COBRA rates.
Digby
This may not be a ton of help, but the American Rescue Plan Act (not sure if that’s the correct name) provides up to six months of free COBRA for qualifying individuals who lose their jobs between April 2021 and September 2021. I don’t know the details, but this might help your parent for a few months.
Anon
I’m in construction management and things are booming right now, though it may be location-specific. Has your parent looked into other firms or considered part-time consulting for either firms as an owner’s representative?
OP
That’s what I’m trying to convince them to do, but due to medical reasons, they’re feeling older than their age and not really “up” to commuting and working on job sites. But I will continue to encourage this line of thinking.
Anonymous
There might be some admin work that can be done remotely – it’d be several steps down from management, but having knowledge of how things progress in construction might be easier to review field reports or communicate with other project managers.
Anon
Words matter here, will they actually be”fired” at the end of this project? Or just downsized? Because unemployment should be a factor.
OP
They will be eligible for unemployment.
WCEC
For those who have admins and are still fully remote, what if anything are you doing today? Normally I’d put flowers or a small box of fancy chocolate or candy with a card on my admin’s desk. Last holiday season I just sent a gift card by email. Thinking of doing the same today.
Cornellian
I had a gift card delivered electronically and a potted plant for her office (she’s in about once a week for mail).
Anon
Delivered a gift card electronically and sent flowers to my paralegal’s house where she is WFH today.
Anon
I sent a gift box of luxe stuff (gift cards are problematic at my company).
Anon
I know this has been asked already, but I’m struggling, so I’ll ask again. Life sucks right now, and I am looking for as many books as possible that are the literary equivalent of a white wine spritzer (s/o to the original ‘rette who gave me that term that I know use regularly). I’m planning a massive library trip and powering through them during a much-needed long weekend. Any and all recommendations please!
Veronica Mars
I liked Eight Hundred Grapes, which is a light and fluffy romcom set in California wine country that will make you want to pop open a bottle and sip as you’re reading.
Anon
Someone here recommended “One To Watch” a few weeks ago, and it was delightful! It was engaging and quick.
If you like thrillers, I just read “The Guest List,” and it was pretty fun brain candy.
PolyD
All the Jenny Colgans!
Sophie Kinsella, who wrote the Shopaholic books, has some other books that are nice fluffy fiction. I’ve also been reading the Agatha Raisin mystery series by MC Beaton, those are pretty light and enjoyable.
I also enjoyed Mr. Penumbra’s 24 Hour Bookstore, and Sourdough, both by Robin Sloan. And there are two series, one has The Royal We and the other American Royals, can’t find the authors right now, but those are fun fluffy reimagining of the British royal family.
Action Park by Andy Mulvihil was not exactly fluffy, but an engrossing nonfiction book about a bonkers amusement park in New Jersey in the 1970s.
emeralds
The Royal We is so good…might need to re-read.
Here are a few other recs, culled from a combo of my TBR and read lists on Goodreads:
You Had Me at Hola by Alexis Daria
Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand by Helen Simonson
Get a Life, Chloe Brown by Talia Hibbert
The House in the Cerulean Sea by T.J. Klune
Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston
anne-on
Loved Major Pettigrews last stand!
If you’re open to a very cathartic cry fest, I’d also suggest a Man Called Ove or Anxious People. I cried WAY more at the end of a Man Called Ove, but as a parent Anxious People really hit me deeply.
Carrots
Jasmine Guillory – she’s got 5 books out now and a sixth one coming out mid-July
Katherine McGee – American Royals and Majesty
Senior Attorney
Second Jasmine Guillory.
Also just read Anxious People by Fredrik Backman and loved it.
LadyB
Whisper Network, Influence, The Proposal
No Face
The Jasmine Guillory books are the first romance novels that I ever read, and they were a delight. Not my preferred genre, but a great way to enjoy a break from Intense Important Books.
Cb
Beach Read, the Uncommon Reader, Love in Colour.
anne-on
If you’re open to not entirely romance, the James Herriot novels are a delight and a balm to the soul.
If you’re open to scifi/fantasy I would recommend the House on the Cerulean Sea, Becky Chambers Wayfairers series, and Honor Raconteur’s Case Files of Henri Davenforth – they’re basically kind competence p*rn.
Talia Hibert’s Brown sister’s books, and the Hating Game by Sally Thorne are also delightful!
Clementine
That was me! Thank you, I love this term too!
So the original recommendation (which was PERFECT) when I asked for this was a book called ‘Swear on This Life’ by Renee Carlino. Would recommend!
Senior Attorney
Oh, and also just finished The Midnight Library and enjoyed it a lot.
Anon
I liked this one! I’ll also second the recs for The Royal We and its sequel, Get A Life Chloe Brown and the rest of that series, and Sourdough. I also liked The Lager Queen of Minnesota and Kitchens of the Great Midwest by J. Ryan Stradal.
Anon
I feel like I’m the only person who didn’t like The Midnight Library! The ending totally ruined it for me. It was so trite and predictable. I was much more interested in the Spanish guy who wasn’t trying to settle down.
Anon
That’s funny, because I remember a lot about the different lives she lived, but have absolutely no recollection of how it ended. I think I can like a book if I enjoyed the process of reading it, even if the end isn’t great, just as I also end up liking books that I didn’t necessarily enjoy that much as I read them, but really came together at the end. I think I’m less inclined to recommend the second group of books to other people, though.
Senior Attorney
I was warned that some reviewers found it too linear so I was prepared going in. Otherwise I might have been a little disappointed, too. You would probably like Life After Life by Kate Atkinson.
Allie
City of Girls
Sloan Sabbith
I’ll write out some recommendations when I’m not paying attention on my next meeting ;)
Anon
The Rose Code (disclaimer: i’m halfway through but it’s good and fast, and her other books haven’t had bad endings so i’m going to risk the recommendation).
The Flatshare and The Switch, by Beth O’Leary are delightful.
Sloan Sabbith
It’s a great book with a good ending!
bookish
Jill Mansell and Phillipa Ashley (based on recs here) are on constant rotation in my overdrive app for reading when I need my mind to take a break and not have to think much. Something about life in small town England really does it for me. Jenny Colgan didn’t though. Also love Talia Hibbert and Kennedy Ryan. Sally Thorne and because I sometimes like a dash of mystery in my HEA, Kyra Davis, Donna Leon and Sherry Thomas.
Anonymous
Hope the OP from yesterday afternoon doesn’t mind the re post as I’m in the same situation and I assume more people will see this on a morning thread. Age 40, single/no kids. I’m at the point where NOTHING about my career excites me. Did you get to that point? If so how did you get past it (or did you just stay there)? I feel like I look at my friends and they’re charging hard to make managing director in banking or chair of a dept at a health system etc. And then there’s me. I USED to be hard charging. But now am in a government job that I like well enough but it’s gotten repetitive and I worry my resume will get (or is already?) stale as it’s already been like 7-8 years. But it pays well and is easy. Yet going back to biglaw or midlaw has no appeal. In house — I can never get in and truth be told I’m never THAT disappointed when I get rejected. I’ve thought about making a move towards a business role but that likely involves a few years of “training” in consulting and I feel too old and tired for that.
I think money does play into this because I’ve reached a comfort point now where I’m not charging hard to make more money. Yet I always though when I reached that point, I’d feel free and clear to do what I wanted — for me that wasn’t going to be working at a bookstore in a mountain town but more like moving into a whole new field of law or an exciting company in house or starting over in a business advising role. And yet now that I’m there, I feel SO old. Anyone else in this position? How did it work out? Part of me is like I’m 40, not 25 I can’t be starting over because what if I end up in an 80 hour per week job like I had in biglaw (which I liked well enough back then but now it makes me queasy)? But the other part of me is like I’m ONLY 40 (almost 41) without dependents — if I want to make any changes etc., now is the time, not at 50 or 55.
Anon
I think you do what’s right for you, in your gut, because anything else will just confirm what you don’t want. You don’t sound unhappy. Sounds like you have free time to enjoy. That is pretty appealing to a lot of people in those hard charging roles.
Anon
I felt that way around 40, too. I think it’s a natural reaction to being in the middle of your career. I just let the feelings be there, and ultimately got my mojo back and decided I wasn’t ready to be done. I’m a big believer in seasons and sometimes you need to breathe.
Down payment
I realize this is a question for a financial advisor, but humor me. What is the best thing to do with down payment funds while house shopping? We have been wanting to move for a year but the market is so crazy while insanely low inventory that we haven’t been able to find and buy a new house. In the meantime, our down payment is sitting in the bank. It’s so tricky when we might need it anytime – but it also might be awhile.
Anonymous
If you are actively hunting for a house right now, then the bank is the right place for your money to be.
Anon
+1
NY CPA
Leave it in the bank in a savings account with the highest interest rate you can find (admittedly won’t be that high). If you might need it anytime, now is not the time to put it somewhere more volatile, like the stock market, or less flexible, like a CD.
Cornellian
+1. Hunt for the best deal, because assuming it’s more than 25K there are some good offers out there. Don’t accept whatever measly amount your normal bank is giving you.
OP
It’s significantly more than that. We have it with Ally, which is higher than local but maybe we need to shop around.
Anon
Leave it where it is. It’s purpose is not to make hand over fist returns (ha. as if such thing exists right now…). Keep it somewhere safe, flexible and accessible (a bank!).
Anon
Leave most of it in the bank. In the same situation, but in CA where we’re talking about $200-300k. Most of it is in a no penalty CD, but we have ~$50k in a brokerage account, invested in index funds. We’re not really looking right now, though, since the market is so awful. Not willing to pay way over asking price, waive inspections, and make a decision in 5 minutes.
Silly Valley
Yeah, it’s tough right now. Bond funds aren’t paying any more than high-yield savings accounts, and they’re more risky, so that’s not worth it. I-bonds, if you know you won’t need it for a year, but that’s not your circumstances, and you can only buy $10k per person per year anyway. A no-penalty CD might be your best bet, but they’re only paying slightly more than HYSAs, so it may not be worth the trouble.
MagicUnicorn
Have you looked at credit unions? Mine has higher interest rates (3%) than any of the local banks do, although I think it is limited to the first $15k in each account (but you can have multiple accounts – there are no fees unless you order paper checks or something like that – split the amount between them easily, and connect the accounts so you can do quick online transfers in seconds once you do need to access it).
Anon
i feel like a horrible person for writing this, but i realized that i am racist and homophobic to a degree. i grew up in a fairly white area, where i just did not have a lot of exposure to people of other races and i’ve realized that when i watch tv, i am somewhat uncomfortable watching two men or two women kissing on tv or in public – i don’t care if they do it or thing it is wrong or anything like that, but am uncomfortable. i also feel kind of the same way about a black/white couple. or if i meet someone who is part of a minority group who is very accomplished professionally, i think about affirmative action and all of the special programs they’ve had access to, or am even more impressed by their accomplishments. i’ve been doing lots of reading, watching, etc. to try to educate myself, but i don’t know if it is having enough of an impact
Anon
Admitting it is the first step. Highly recommend the book Caste if you haven’t read it already.
Anonymous
Someone I knew was like this and I encouraged her to watch Schitt’s Creek. I know what you’re thinking, what can a sitcom do? But my friend was able to really grow to care for the characters and by the end of the series happy cried (don’t want to spoil why). I think aside from education in the formal sense there is real value in humanizing people who are different from you and media is an easy way to do this.
Anon
Similarly, my mom watching Modern Family a decade ago got her more comfortable with the idea of a gay couple. She LOVED Cameron and Mitch.
Anon for this
Also, Grace and Frankie is a good show to watch on this front as well.
AnonATL
Grace and Frankie has both gay and interracial couples. Plus it’s hilarious
Seventh Sister
Maybe a weird suggestion, but how about watching The Wire? It’s really compelling TV and I think it’s been very helpful to me in terms of understanding how system and circumstance (especially race) affect people’s life trajectories more than any personal attribute. I know it came out a while back, but we recently watched and it REALLY holds up.
Another older show that I think is great in terms of humanizing people is Six Feet Under.
Anon
Gross
Cat
what even is this response. The OP is aware of the effect of her own upbringing and wants to change. Glad you’re so perfect.
Anon
I’m a brown woman. I’m a human being. A commenter says my marriage makes them uncomfortable, and they assume I haven’t earned my success. It is gross. This is upsetting to me. OP is vomiting out really horrible thoughts without any regard for who is reading them. I’m not perfect but at least I don’t defend racists wondering aloud on the internet.
Anonymous
No one is defending OP, we’re just helping her instead of criticizing her. Jeeze offering resources is not supporting racism.
Anon
What even is YOUR response. And I like how you have used such passive language–OP is “aware of the effect of her own upbringing.” Plenty of people grew up in similar circumstances and didn’t become racist or homophobic. It is as if the poster had no agency in growing those attitudes. The bar is so low for white women. And how nice to have a bunch of other white women racing to her rescue and having no thoughts/consideration as to how this affects BIPOC women who frequent this space.
Anonymous
How is it racing to her rescue to offer resources to change and become less racist? What would you suggest?
Anon
I’m not talking about people responding with resources. I’m talking about the fact that a POC person responded to OP’s post saying the framing of her post was triggering and not well thought out and how most people jumped in to defend OP rather than acknowledging the POC person’s respond as valid.
Anon
There are a lot of women who are reassuring OP that she’s not alone, they share her thoughts, and she’s not a bad person for having them. It is SO JARRING to read that as a POC. It doesn’t matter whether you are working on it or not.
Anonymous
Ah, I see. I understand that. I’m sorry.
Anon
+1,000
Anonymous
Honestly, I’d rather see posts like this where you admit an uncomfortable truth than the usual holier-than-thou posts that act like a racist thought has NEVER crossed the OP’s mind or the minds of ANY of her close friends and family. Thank you.
One thing that can help undo biases is finding material that works with your learning style. I’m much more of a visual learner and I’m also a researcher, so I need to find written material with good sources and deep analysis for issues to really “click” with me (so, for example, So You Want To Talk About Race didn’t resonate as much as The New Jim Crow in my head). I know others who respond well to listening to YouTube videos or advocacy materials. Find out what your preferred learning style is and then select good options from there. Are you interested in history? Politics? What can you find in a genre that already interests you?
Anon
Glad you are ok with it but as a POC I really do not want hear that people are uncomfortable with my interracial marriage. This is so upsetting to even read. I’m not an intellectual exercise. Thank you.
cara
As a POC I’d definitely rather have someone recognizing and trying to address their biases rather than make snide or gross remarks behind my back forever.
No Face
Same. Seeing someone admit that they are racist but want to change gives me hope.
anonymous
I’m a POC and the reality is that there are a lot of racist people in the world. At least the OP is acknowledging it and trying to take steps to change their views. They have to start somewhere.
Anon
Well, we aren’t a monolith and I don’t appreciate a casual conversation about how people think we are subhuman but ‘working on it’ and then everyone congratulates each other for the bare minimum.
Anon.
Anon @11:15AM: Thank you for your comment regarding BIPOC not being a monolithic culture/viewpoint. I think this is often forgotten by many.
Anon for this
I agree that the OP comment did kind of assume everyone reading here is white, or at least not think of the impact of her words on people of color and apologize up front or give a content warning. (Not sure the community norms here on content warnings.)
However, I do think we should encourage people who have noticed their racist thoughts to continue to work on it (not congratulate them as if that’s all that needs to be done), and not try to struggle through in private where they may just end up taking the path of least resistance. Overcoming internal biases can require support and I’m glad OP sought it out. This is exactly the conversation all of us white people need to have continually with our white friends, acquaintances, and relatives – and not burden people of color with doing the work.
totes anon
Something that has helped me is to seek out more media made by and told from the perspective of nonwhite people, just increase my exposure. Once you really pay attention, it’s remarkable how White one’s Netflix queue is. The crucial thing for me is to go beyond the headline issues, i.e. not just read about racism or illegal immigration, but to find shows and books with nonwhite protagonists who deal with life in all its facets. This will sound horrible, but I think this is what helped me to get away from viewing minorities in a very one-dimensional way, and not reduce them to a stereotype.
It’s of course important to educate myself about systemic discrimination, as well.
Anonymous
I agree with this approach. I’ve actually found that some sources that have good intentions actually end up promoting a one-dimensional viewpoint (often that Black individuals’ lives are completely defined by racism or even devoid of joy). That simply isn’t true and the more sources you can find and books you can read that help you move past that, the better.
emeralds
I agree with this advice as a starting point, as well as Anonymous at 10:31’s about figuring out what will work best for your learning style. (Just make sure that you are not creating more work for BIPOC individuals in your life as you do so.)
OP, it’s really important that you’ve acknowledged this and are willing to do the work to start correcting it. I wish the US was better about acknowledging that everyone raised in a racist, homophobic society is going to have racist and homophobic baggage to unpack–that there’s not a binary where you’re either racist, or you’re not. In order to start confronting internalized -isms, we have to be able to admit that we have them.
Anon.
This is my strategy as well. Last year I made a list of books written by BIPOC and people from other cultures, and still working my way through that.
As someone growing up without much exposure to other races and cultures, I acknowledge that this will be a lifelong learning for me.
Senior Attorney
Agree. I follow a bunch of BIPOC accounts on Instagram and Twitter and I love them. And not just political ones but things like cute baby pictures. Also most of my reading these is by BIPOC authors — again not just political/race related things (although there’s a significant amount of that — recently finished The Warmth of Other Suns and it blew my socks off) but things like the above-mentioned romances of Jasmine Guillory and the amazing sci-fi of N.K. Jemison and Pasadena’s own Octavia E. Butler.
I am fortunate to have many amazing LGBTQ friends so that hasn’t been as much of an issue for me, but you can do the same thing to work on your homophobia.
And couldn’t agree more that it’s your job to do this work — don’t put it on the BIPOC/LGBTQ people in your life.
Cornellian
I agree with this.
It’s good to be aware of your biases, but I’m not sure you admitted them in the most thoughtful way.
I’m a woman who DATES AND GARDENS with women, and I STILL find some lizard brain part of myself repulsed by and critical of women in power or homosexual relationships. I think that sexist/racist/homophobic part of my brain is getting smaller over time, but it rears its head all of the time. Clearly we all have work to do.
Anonymous
I totally know what you mean. I’m a hardcore feminist (much more extreme than most people I know) and there is still some gross part of my brain that will see a woman in power wielding her authority and I’ll be critical of how she’s acting/her tone. I can only conclude that growing up in a misogynistic culture actually physically shaped my brain and changed how I perceive reality.
Carrie
It’s good that you recognize this. I’ve always liked the quote “The first thought that goes through your mind is what you have been conditioned to think; what you think next defines who you are.”
Re: what is having enough of an impact, I think that varies person to person. For me I grew up with a similar background and reading a lot of academic texts and understanding what really happened made a big difference, but that might not work for everyone.
Anonymous
Just wanted to acknowledge you’re not alone. I often think the same way. I agree that being aware of my bias is helpful. Not sure how else to change it. I do try to see the other side of the situation and evaluate how the other person would feel. Otherwise, I just let myself feel uncomfortable because I understand that my feelings are not acceptable in the world we live in, so I should feel uncomfortable.
No Face
Thank you for being aware of your own biases.
Anon
Wow, the bar for white women is so incredibly low.
anon
Yep.
No Face
I think we all have biases that we need to address and deal with. Every single person. To me, recognizing one’s own flaws is the first step to evolving and becoming a better person.
And I’m Black so I’m not out handing white women participation awards like your comment implies.
No Face
Also, I’m in an interracial marriage. I know it makes some people uncomfortable. I would rather that those people think: “Why am I uncomfortable? I don’t like that I’m uncomfortable. How do I change that?” and do the work.
Anonymous
I always like your posts, No Face – you always contribute nuance and perspective to important discussions.
Anon
Once again, Black people are not a monolith. Just because YOU don’t see an issue with how OP’s post was handled and the ensuing responses, does not make it OK. As long as we have Black/POC people giving white people a pass like this because they didn’t happen to be offended, we continue to fuel white people’s fragility around racism and lend fodder to the discourse on POC being overly sensitive.
No Face
Sincere question: How am I giving the OP a pass?
She thinks she’s racist. I think she is too. I’m glad she has realized it and wants to change. Nothing I have said implies that anyone with a perspective other than mine is overly sensitive, that any/every other Black person agrees with me, or that I want to protect anyone’s fragility. I also didn’t say I’m not offended…of course I’m offended by prejudice.
No group is a monolith, so we should all use our voices. I have mine, and I am comfortable with other people disagreeing with it.
Anon
Yuuup.
Anon
To the people commenting here admiringly – I hope you never live in a world where people openly talk about how your very very existence makes them uncomfortable. Have enough shame to work on things privately. My God.
Anonymous
We all live in the same world and everyone is entitled to their own opinions about how best white people can combat their own racism. This is also a board for women and therefore we ALL have experience in other people not respecting our existence and our human rights (and it goes without saying that the burden of misogyny and racism intersects to affect women of color worse than anyone). We somehow have to find a way forward through that and it’s sometimes messy.
Anon
Yes, we all have opinions. And mine is there are a lot of clueless white women on here who pat themselves on the back for not doing much. In the mean time, I’m on a fashion blog reading about how people are uncomfortable with my existence, my marriage and my success.
Senior Attorney
I’m sorry, Anon. Ugh. It’s just everywhere.
anonshmanon
How does someone work it out privately? When they live in a white conservative bubble?
Cornellian
Yeah, I don’t think “privately” is a fair expectation, but shoving it in to a diverse blog doesn’t necessarily seem like the perfect solution or one that’s fair to POC/LGBTQ+ folks, either.
Anonymous
I think it is fair, though, only because where else can this happen? The nice thing about this site is that you can collapse the thread and that most posters are here in good faith, which absolutely cannot be said for so many other avenues online. I agree that a lot of work needs to be done privately, but clearly that hasn’t worked well for the OP so far and I think we need to acknowledge that some people will need to talk to others for ideas on how to combat their racism. I do feel bad for how hard it must be to read the words. I just don’t see a good alternative…
Anon
Collapse the thread so we can discuss your humanity. Love that for us.
Anon
There are a lot resources available very easily on the Internet that OP could have researched. I suspect part of her posting was that she wanted the ‘OMG, me too’ comments to make herself feel better about really degrading thoughts – and she surely received them.
Anon
+1 This was a self-serving post.
anonnnn
+1 Come on- I find it unbelievable that a FASHION BLOG is the only place the OP could possibly come/use to find resources on how to be antiracist. But let’s assume that there weren’t any other possible avenues, and she just had to have THIS group’s very personal recommendations, it could have been done in a much different way and still been productive.
Anon for this
You are not a horrible person. Noticing these types of thoughts is a HUGE step and the hardest step for many. I had the same experience – mine occurred when I went to a diverse college from a white/conservative high school and somewhat randomly took a specific course on racism, but absent that, I don’t know that I would have ever confronted it until this last summer. And once you notice your feelings around these subjects, you can’t un-notice them, so it feels like a lot. The key is, you recognized the effect of those thoughts. Over time you will just notice them, say huh, I had that reaction but (in the case of affirmative action, for example) I also know that is not the only explanation for that situation, and you’ll move on. Having the feeling of discomfort is good because then you know you aren’t subconsciously acting in accordance with the thoughts – you are consciously noticing them, and that’s the way to actually change your behavior.
Anon
If someone looks at successful BIPOC and automatically thinks they are an ‘affirmative action’ hire (whatever that means, they are in fact a horrible person.
Anon for this
No, they had a horrible thought and recognized it. If someone thinks they are a horrible person (i.e., their racism is an innate and unchangeable characteristic and they will never be able to change) then what are they supposed to do about the racist thoughts? I think a growth mindset mentality that still has accountability (i.e., just recognizing the thoughts is the first step, not the last; don’t expect headpats for merely not being actively racist, etc) is more useful.
Anon
Okay, but this isn’t just from lack of exposure, right? You’re describing some things that used to be straight up illegal, not just things that are unfamiliar and different compared to where you grew up. Despite the reading you’ve done, I can’t tell if you’ve quite confronted how white, straight communities have cultivated the discomfort you’re feeling and the narratives that are going through your head, but it’s not how you’ve framed this.
Anon for this
Really good point.
For me, the idea of a “lack of exposure” was comforting (in my initial stages of recognition of bias) to think “well, if I’d grown up in a different place/with different exposure, I wouldn’t have these thoughts” – but of course, that wouldn’t have been sufficient (nor is it necessary, though I think it helps.) As PP pointed out, it’s not just your personal lack of exposure, OP – it’s systemic and perpetuated. For example, I am purposely raising my children in a place that includes remarkably more day-to-day exposure to a wider range of people (racial, linguistic, religious, ability, etc) than I had in my childhood, but we still have specific conversations about racism, homophobia, bias, and disability discrimination/inaccessibility because our nuclear family (white, hetero, Christian) culture is still dominant.
That said, it is also an entry point to say – ok, why have I not been exposed to this (gay relationships, interracial marriage, whatever) before? Then you learn about the history of racial covenants and redlining and realize that de facto segregation is a carefully maintained policy choice. Or confront your religion or cultural religion’s erasure or exclusion of gay people. Etc etc.
anonshmanon
I guess in this same vein, some of the harmful initial thoughts that OP has mentioned point to some specific areas where she needs to seek out more factual information. Thinking of affirmative action every time you see a successful BIPOC person? Read up on the myth of meritocracy, studies of the (limited) impact of affirmative action, find out where it is practiced and where it isn’t. Also about your discomfort when seeing interracial couples, I can’t say that I relate to that at all, but I suspect if you did some reading about how the concept of biological race is completely, entirely made up (race is not grounded in any notable differences in physiology, dna or cognition, it is purely a social construct), that should prompt you to reflect on where this discomfort is rooted.
Anon
WOC here and wow! I must have missed all the special programs and affirmative action. My only special program was free lunch as a child. It did hurt to read this. I encourage you to not just acknowledge you have these biases, but really unpack them. They are based on stereotypes that are not accurate or factual. It isn’t enough to name your biases.
Shelle
Kind of a side note, this comment got me thinking about the power of art to both work through emotions and to educate. My parents are a mixed race couple and our family has encountered so much BS about it over the years. My mom and I love to get together and ugly cry / cheer over musicals that are focused on mixed race people falling in love. South Pacific, Miss Saigon, West Side Story. They feel intensely personal and cathartic, and it can be really moving to watch in a live theater with a group of strangers.
Anon
You don’t deserve any of the pats on the back you’re receiving here (how could the bar be so f-ing low???), but you do need to keep doing the work you’ve started.
eertmeert
You haven’t asked for resources, you’ve asked for absolution.
You might not be irredeemable, horrible person, but at the very least you are ignorant. And by your own description, you are not racist and homophobic “to a degree” – you are racist and homophobic full stop.
There are lots of spaces online and in real life to process this. An online chat board for fashion and lifestyle frequented by a diverse audience of women is not that.
How disappointing.
Anonymous
Get to know real people. Volunteer or join a group that gives you that exposure. My Mom grew up very Catholic, including some very anti-gay sentiments. My best friend from high school and still today is lesbian. She and her partner have two adopted children. I remember my Mom telling me about a situation where she was volunteering and someone was criticizing gay couples adopting children. I knew my Mom had burst her own bubble when she defended it.
Anon
Anyone out there in tech and not right out of college? What do you wear? I’m in my early 40s and in a remote tech job. Most people wear company-branded hoodies or expensive athleisure. Sometimes I’ll just wear a crewneck “fancy” sweatshirt (Lou & Grey or Everlane), but I don’t feel at my best. And when I’m presenting, I like to look more polished, even on Zoom. What brands, Instas, etc. should I look at for inspiration?
To give you an idea of my style, if money were no object, I’d dress in Aritzia and Club Monaco. My pre-pandemic in-office look was jeans with an oversized blazer and a silk blouse. But the blazers are sitting in my closet unworn because no one wears a third piece, and when I did try it, I felt like I looked really out of touch.
So far, I have found that the Madewell Central shirt and the Everland Goweave Japanese button-down strike a good balance between polished and casual. Any other ideas?
anonymous
I would check out Cap Hill Style, Putting Me Together or Extra Petite for outfit ideas. Cap Hill posts outfit ideas and sometimes links to an Instagram account or other blog for the source of the outfit. Maybe also Jo Lynn Shane. I think she’s in her 40s and she posts a lot of outfit ideas.
Anonymous
I don’t think any of these really fits the bill for tech. The first three are neither edgy nor classic, and what OP needs is classic (for her age) with an edge (for tech). They are just kind of generic 30-something shiny clothes. Jo Lynn Shane is more classic, possibly too basic. I’d look at Laura Jansen’s posts on The Mom Edit for edgier stuff and tone it down from there. A military jacket, possibly the one from Anine Bing, would be a good starting point.
The Only GenXer in the Office
I’m in tech and also in my 40s, and working remote for now. I wear a lot of MM LaFleur or Ann Taylor on top and jeans on the bottom. So a nice blouse, sometimes a jardigan, sometimes a sweater or a cardigan. Today I have a presentation and I’m wearing a MMLF v-neck blouse (the Joan) and a bright red safari-inspired blazer (the Emalis) with jeans and slippers. My colleagues who are also in management tend to dress similarly – blouses, nice sweaters, sweater blazers with graphic t-shirts, etc. I am a little overdressed compared to the developers but I’m also not investing in a whole new wardrobe. So I tend to wear my existing work wardrobe but with jeans.
asdf
In my early 40s and in science (possibly similar working environment). Pre-pandemic I wore jeans, a t shirt and a blazer or blazer-like thing. How about a non-blazer, soft third piece which would read more casual than a blazer? Something like an atypical sweatshirt (I’m thinking of Prairie Underground, which is spendy but wears like iron). Perhaps a jean jacket, moto jacket or safari jacket would work. WHBM is a good place for me to get these things. The blog unefemme.net often has very good jacket recommendations, although the author and I have a very different sense of style, in general. (FYI, I am perpetually cold so have put a lot of thought into jackets.)
Anonymous
In my early 40s and in science (possibly similar working environment). Pre-pandemic I wore jeans, a t shirt and a blazer or blazer-like thing. How about a non-blazer, soft third piece which would read more casual than a blazer? Something like an atypical sweatshirt (I’m thinking of Prairie Underground, which is spendy but wears like iron). Perhaps a jean jacket, moto jacket or safari jacket would work. WHBM is a good place for me to get these things. The blog unefemme.net often has very good jacket recommendations, although the author and I have a very different sense of style, in general. (FYI, I am perpetually cold so have put a lot of thought into jackets.)
Cornellian
Try the blog amid privilege. She is way older than you, but works in SF tech as a non 25 year old man and has great style, I think.
Anon
Wear your silk blouses with a zip hoodie.
I’ve been wearing all my nice tops because why TF not. People really don’t notice what you’re wearing as much as you think they do.
Anonymous
If you can wear wool and cashmere, try Allsaints.
Anonymous
im at a start up and remote and am 31. i wear a lot of madewell tops, muji tops, mm lafleur for my more “polished” days. eg from madewell i just got the sash tie wrap top in lazy daisies, luxe boxy crop tee (i have like 4 of these), two courier shirts, denim rolled sleeve shirt. for my comfort i like to have a fresh haircut (i used to only get 2 cuts/yr but now i add in 2 more trims) to feel really put together with the casual clothes. also fun earrings, and i do my eyebrows and blush now.
Anon
Where is your company based? I’m in Silicon Valley, and jeans, t-shirt and something warm from Patagonia is super popular here.
Anon
i know that people often say that they would never buy new construction – has anyone bought new construction and been happy with it?
Anon
Yes, I bought a new build and it is excellent. A lot of people on here have personal preferences and mistake them for facts.
Anon
Yes, we bought new and lived in the house 5 years before selling because we moved to another city. We had no real desire to buy new and the house we bought had already been built (forget the word for that), but it ended up being the best house we saw of many and had no issues with it the whole time we lived there. One huge plus of new construction is that the energy efficiency standards are much better than those from the pre-Obama years, and our energy costs were impressively low.
Senior Attorney
“Spec house.”
BeenThatGuy
I built a new home back in 2006. I was never happy with it. I now own a 100 year old home and love it. Charm, character and quirks suit me much better than new. I love showing people the old coal room and the milk door. I love the stain glass windows, round front door and 5 inch wood molding everywhere. I will say that repairs on an old house are always needed and I didn’t have that issue with the new construction home. But I’ll stick with old rather than new.
Anonymous
See, all of this is my nightmare. I want simple lines, absolute cleanliness, and minimal repairs.
I currently live in a 30-year-old “McDonald’s” house that is falling apart and it is still better than an old house. My dream is to buy a high-quality brand-new house and sell it after 15 years so it becomes someone else’s problem when the mechanical systems start to fail.
Anonymous
Your house sounds amazing! That’s what I hope to have one day. I love spending time in a relative’s house that was built in 1755. You just don’t see those wide plank floors, dentil molding, 12 over 12 windows, fireplaces in nearly every room, and all the other fabulous details today.
Anon
I’ve almost never even been in a newer house that I found comfortable. I think it’s the exact proportions, even when the layout is otherwise comparable? I would be willing to try an “old house replica,” if that’s a thing.
anonshmanon
I am renting in a historic house and I am actually trying to low key figure out when the copyright of blueprints expires, because I dream of one day building a very similar house somewhere else.
Anon
I live in a 1909 and you really have to love it to make all the repairs worth it.
But to OP, I do fantasize about living in a new house sometimes, and these are the things I fantasize about.
Large closets
Luxurious bathrooms
A kitchen island
A family room
A house oriented to open to the back yard
Updated electrical
Room for a big refrigerator
I can’t get any of those things in my current house without changing exterior walls and/or the character of the house.
Things I would miss in most new construction –
My large, private garden with mature trees
My giant old school pantry
Old growth wainscoting
My home office that is not a repurposed bedroom (it’s a sitting room off the foyer)
My old wooden windows with wavy glass
A sense of history and permanence
My old established neighborhood with shops a block away
xx
We bought a custom spec house and love it. The few minor issues were handled by the builder quickly. State law gives the home a 2-year warranty on everything and 10-years foundation, etc. We have bought new homes in the past with issues — so I really think this just depends on the quality of the builder.
Anon
I think there’s a distinction to be made here – spec homes built by those mega builders in giant new neighborhoods often leave things to be desired. They’re the construction equivalent of fast food, even if they cost $800k in HCOLAs. They vary from your delicious Chick-Fil-A sandwich with polite service on down to the messy late night Taco Bell drunk pack you ordered with fillings spilling out, but they’re still fast food. Custom home builders – or even small builders that only do 6-10 houses a year – are a vastly different story. I think if you go into one of those big builders’ developments knowing you’re getting a fast food house, you’ll be happier than if you go in starry-eyed thinking you’re getting your dream forever house where noble craftsmen plied their lifelong trade to build you a home for your children’s children. (And no judgment – I bought a McDonald’s-level house years ago. Knowing it was McDonalds would have helped me not have so many disagreements with the builder.)
Cornellian
+1
Anonymous
I have. It has been great! In my old house we had a small electrical fire from a prior homeowner’s do it yourself sconce wiring project. Everything is fresh and new in my house. New roof, new appliances, new hot water tank, Tyvek so no drafts. Highly recommend!
Jo March
Just helped family buy a new construction home. I think it is very market dependent. For my relatives, the better quality, older homes were out of budget, so the choice was really between new construction and what I’ll call “recent construction.” The recent construction homes were simply not built the same way as the older homes and were basically the worst of both worlds: old enough to need quite a bit of repair but new enough to be built by the new developers that don’t build homes “like they used to.” Relatives are currently in their 1 year period after closing where they can call the builder to fix things that weren’t caught before closing. Builder is doing so, but trying to wiggle out of as much as they can – at one point blaming movers for scratches they never touched up pre-closing. They are happy because this new home has some features they needed for mobility and aging, but are the first to warn you just how much work it is to buy new construction. It’s a part time job to stay on top of everything because the builders can and will cut every corner possible.
Anonymous
I bought new construction in a new development, and to use another poster’s analogy, it was like fast food with great customer service. Which I went into fully expecting to get fast food and decent customer service, so my expectations lined up with my reality. I bought McDonald’s quality and got pretty much what I expected to pay for. My house is serviceable and I haven’t had any issues with it.
I have heard from friends who have bought new construction in different new developments (we all bought within the last ~6 years) and they didn’t quite get what they paid for so you really have to know your homebuilders. They bought Panera or higher quality and the customer service and some things inside the house were like questionable Taco Bells… Sorry, it’s lunch time and I’m hungry.
Anon
I’ve always maintained home preferences are just what do you prefer to fix. Everything’s got issues.
anon
Yes, DH and I built a house 10 years ago. Couldn’t be happier with how it turned out. The quality of the build was excellent. (In truth, we were lucky to find a really good builder.)
fder
I live in a 1910 house – very typical for our first ring suburb. There are things I would change about the layout, but I think what’s really killing us is the years that our house was owned by people who didn’t maintain it properly. There was a two decade period when a series of people owned the house for 3-4 years. Of course, if you’re about to move out you’re not going to put serious money fixing a fundamental problem, you’ll patch and pray.
Gail the Goldfish
I need good, basic workout tank tops that don’t cost a fortune. Something plain and basic with wide straps and full back coverage–not racerback, cutouts, open back, mesh panels, twist tie in the front, etc. It’s for outside use and basically I don’t want weird sunburn patterns because I happened to miss putting sunscreen somewhere other than my shoulders. Anyone have a favorite?
Gail the Goldfish
And also some quick-drying, cool fabric, as opposed to full cotton.
Anonymous
These look good: https://www.rei.com/b/rei-co-op/c/womens-tank-tops?pagesize=90
NY CPA
I like Old Navy for basic gym clothes.
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=6766961020005&cid=1030828&pcid=1030828&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AOld+Navy+Active%3AActivewear+Tops#pdp-page-content
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=6766800020002&cid=1030828&pcid=1030828&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AOld+Navy+Active%3AActivewear+Tops#pdp-page-content
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=6766710220002&cid=1030828&pcid=1030828&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AOld+Navy+Active%3AActivewear+Tops#pdp-page-content
https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=552834042&cid=1030828&pcid=1030828&vid=1&nav=meganav%3AWomen%3AOld%20Navy%20Active%3AActivewear%20Tops#pdp-page-content
NY CPA
See also:
https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/nike-womens-dri-fit-legend-fashion-heather-training-tank-top-19nikwlgndtnkfshnapt/19nikwlgndtnkfshnapt
https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/calia-by-carrie-underwood-womens-everyday-high-neck-muscle-tank-top-19ca2wclvrydymsclapt/19ca2wclvrydymsclapt
https://www.dickssportinggoods.com/p/nike-womens-legend-tank-top-19nikwlgndtnkcrxxapt/19nikwlgndtnkcrxxapt
Cat
For a looser fit — Lands End Women’s Moisture Wicking UPF Sun Crewneck Tunic Tank Top
anon
Nike dri-fit tanks. Search for them at D!ck’s Sporting Goods.
And I hear you on preferring simple workout wear!
Senior Attorney
Not familiar with the current styles but I’ve been happy with workout gear from Target.
Anon
Taking a poll – what do you ladies wear to bed? I’m tired of feeling schlubby in my baggy tshirt…
Anon
Soma Cool Nights sleep shirts. They are like a baggy tshirt, but more tailored and with cute prints. And VERY soft!
Anon
+1 for soma cool nights pj’s. I found out about them here and I am currently pregnant, so sleeping is getting uncomfortable to me for a myriad of reasons, but those reasons do not include my pajamas. The soma pj’s are a soft material and lay really comfortably. I have a tunic one set with pants that I will be able to wear as a nightshirt once it gets warmer, and a long sleeve top and pants one. I also just bought my mom 2 pretty night shirt sets for Mother’s Day. :)
Mrs. Jones
Soma Cool Nights FTW
Anon
JCrew PJs, lightweight in the summer, heavier in winter.
NY CPA
I like my Lands End and Lauren Ralph Lauren cotton pajama sets for winter. For summer, I love cotton poplin pajama pants (Talbots used to be great for these, latest pair came from Jcrew though) and a tank top.
amberwitch
Nothing!
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Same.
Senior Attorney
Yup.
Cat
Tank top and pretty boxer-style shorts.
Anon
b tempt’d future foundation tank top and underwear
AnonMPH
Eberjey! Pricey but so soft. I have shorts/tshirt sets for summer and long pants/long sleeved ones for winter. I’ve gotten rid of pretty much everything else.
Explorette
Nothing.
Anon
Soma cool nights camis and pajama pants. I need the long inseam so I bought them all! I have a week’s worth in black separates and also a weekend worth in navy. I switch them out from time to time when I get bored.
MagicUnicorn
Flannel pj pants and cotton tank top, or in the summer, jersey knit pj pants and a cotton tank top.
anon-other
Garnet Hill Asian Wrap – short gown in warm weather and the full pjs in winter.
For spring but still cool, Brooks Brothers poplin pjs.
But full disclosure, sometimes also a tshirt!
Face Masks
Back to the old question – any recs for face masks, please? I’ve got plenty of N95’s and such, looking more for pretty, inexpensive cloth masks like Etsy or even Amazon please. Thanks!
Cat
My favorites remain Athleta’s 5-pack (I think they are called the everyday style). The adjustable straps are comfortable, elastic has held up well and they wash nicely.
Anon
agree. these are by far my favorite. fairly comfy – sometimes i forget i’m wearing them. i just lost one so might need to buy another pack.
Anon
Check out Anthropologie. I got really nice, relatively inexpensive ones there for my mom and me.
OP
Thanks! I’ll check out Athleta and Anthro. I appreciate it!
miserable perimenopause
Anyone here recently going through perimenopause with severe symptoms? Any pointers?
I lost my docs during the quarantine (one retired, one moved) and am searching for a new primary care doc now.
Meanwhile, I have had a rough month, after episodic symptoms for 1 year. I’ve never had mood swings like this in my life. Like one hour I can be crying and an hour later feel fine. Insane. Never had this with birth control pills or with my monthly cycles. And the bleeding is also insane this month.
Prior to this I was dealing ok with the hot flashes (not that frequent), poor sleep (fluctuated), vag dry (ouch) etc..
Wondering in particular if anyone wound up taking anything to get through theirs, and what you took? For how long? From supplements, to hormone replacement, to mood stabilizers to ???? Wondering how typical or atypical my situation is.
Anone
Try Seronol (bee pollen). It was recommended to me by my PA. I was skeptical but it has been immensely helpful to me. I was having similar symptoms, plus extremely sore breasts and brain fog. This is what I use:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07BMJQQ97/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I also take Evening Primrose Oil, which you can find at drugstores/costco.
Anonymous
I just can’t fathom the idea of voluntarily ingesting pollen.
OP
Thanks for sharing your experience. I do remember my Mom taking supplements but don’t remember which. I was thinking I need to eat more tofu.
I hope I can find a good OB/GYN too.
brokentoe
You have my sympathies. I was in perimenopause for a good decade – probably more (I am 60). I have been on HRT for much of that time. HRT is actually the only reason I have missed my period for the obligatory year as of this month. I realize HRT does raise my risks for other health issues, but I decided long ago that quality of life was more important than those risks. I have sister who is 15 months younger than I and has had no typical perimenopause issues and has not yet lost her monthly friend. Our mom had a hysterectomy before she hit this stage so we don’t know how things went for her, as many people suggest asking their mom about her own experience as an indicator (although my experience obviously hasn’t been the same as compared to my sister). Good luck – you aren’t crazy.
OP
Thanks for sharing this.
Unfortunately, my Mom has passed. Unfortunately, she also had a hysterectomy too young that I don’t know the full details of. But I do remember that she was pretty uncomfortable and did eventually go on HRT herself. We have a lot of cancer in our family, and she died too young of cancer so I have mixed feelings about the risks. But I am certainly open to HRT.
Anon
Get a new obgyn and talk to her about your symptoms. Really. The herbs and teas are largely marketing – they work for some people, possibly through a placebo effect – but you really need to know where your hormones are, and that requires blood tests and someone who knows how to interpret them.
I suffered hot flashes and sore breasts all through peri meno, as well as a new and improved case of cystic acne, (let’s not even talk about the chin hairs) but now I’m fully menopausal and through the worst part. I personally did not do hormone replacement due to family history, but it’s good to know what your options are and to be able to make an informed choice.
Hang in there. The best advice I ever got was while trying to power through a hot flash at a bra boutique. The owner saw what was happening, got me a chair and a cup of water and said, these don’t last as long if you just give yourself a moment to stop and wait it out. And she was right. When you get one, stop what you’re doing and wait.
OP
Great advice.
It is funny because I am ALWAYS cold normally. So the hot flashes are just so so odd….
Anon
Get back on the pill! My doc has me on it as pre-HRT, which is basically just a lower dose pill. If you didn’t have issues with the pill, it’s a godsend.
good luck
ah, so simple. Many thanks.
Anon
First and foremost you should speak to a doctor. For me, hot flashes (I really hate that term so my husband and I came up with a new one: cosmic flares!) were the most disruptive symptom. I tried magnesium supplements, and in addition my doctor recommended Vitamin E. While it’s impossible to know for sure (I suppose it could be a coincidence), I give the magnesium supplements credit for being a game changer. Within a week after I started taking them, the flares essentially stopped. I started with Mag-Ox: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004CXBLAO/ When that bottle ran out I tried another brand but that one had unpleasant bowel-related side effects so I went back to Mag-Ox and am not going to change again! BTW I’m glad folks are talking about perimenopause on this site. It should be talked about more. I wish I’d heard more about what was coming when I was younger, but it was hardly ever discussed.
Anon
Once fully vaxxed, is it safe to forgo the KN95s or masks with filters for a silk or cotton mask? I use a filter mask with 3 layers to jog and walk the dog, and it isn’t ideal for breathability as it gets warmer.
Anon
Yes. You have some residual chance of catching a mild form of the disease but even that is a slim chance. In terms of protecting others, it’s been show that fully vaxed people are not spreading the disease.
Anonymous
Unless you are jogging or walking the dog in a crowd of coughing COVID patients I think that level of masking is unnecessary even if unvaccinated.
Anon
OP here- my state has a mask mandate.
Anon
A silk or cotton mask is a mask. I don’t know anywhere is the US that has a mask mandate that requires KN95s or filters.
Anonymous
It was safe before you were vaccinated. It’s certainly fine after.
anon
You do not need a mask outdoors if your only contact with other people is fleeting.
Anonymous
Some states require them. I personally wear a cloth mask while briefly passing others outdoors and it’s required in my state. I don’t wear it the whole time though.
Anon
Outdoor mask mandates only apply *when social distancing is not possible* but the covid safety theater folks love to ignore that.
Cat
Yeah I’ve noticed a dramatic drop in the number of people wearing masks continuously outdoors (which I thought was overkill most of the time anyway – like if you are one of 3 ppl on a city block you are not catching covid from them). My guess is that pretty much everyone vaxxed is dropping outdoor, limited-contact masking as it was so low risk to begin with.