Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Optic Tweed Jacket

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This blazer reminds me of our discussion last year about wearing tweed in summer. It’s such a fun, happy color, and it looks very spring-y and summery (even though it’s red and white, which can sometimes look like Christmas). I like the stripes, the double-breasted style, the peplum, and the folded-back lapels — I think it’s lovely. You could also wear it with a lot of different colors, like with white as styled, with light gray or navy, and maybe with a pop of green in a shoe, or even a light pink shoe. It’s $495 at Nordstrom in sizes 0-12. (Also at Rebecca Taylor.) Optic Tweed Jacket

Here’s a similar option from New York & Company in sizes 0-20.

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  1. I would like your opinions on my situation. I am 27, JD from IVY, and 3rd year at large NYC firm. I have been dating a guy at a large bank who makes less base but bigger bonus. We’ve been sleeping together for a year. He invited me to go in with him on a share in Montauk but he wants me to pay half. I think because it was his idea he should pay all as he practically lives in my apartment rather than go back to his place which is shared with 3 sloppy roommates. Am I wrong to make him pay?

    • I think its less about how much you guys make and what your plans are for your relationship. After a year you should be having some idea if this guy is forever or just for fun or whatever. Sure, financially you guys should make things fair and you should be able to discuss that with him. But the way you wrote this sounds like you are keeping score. Relationships are not a tit for tat thing.

      • You are right. But he does not respect my opinions, deciding on everything first not consulting me, then telling me to pay for his decisions. He also is self centered. I must do what he thinks is best. He has a BS in management from Tulane which is not that impressive either. I want us to be more equal, but I dont see us happening for the long term. I don’t have other prospects, but am hesitant to dump him. I am confused as I would like to get married.

        • What is wrong with you? Break up with him. Today. No, you must not do what he thinks is best. That is completely absurd. If you aren’t trolling, use your education better.

        • Anonymouse :

          Ok you sound like an absolute snob and he doesnt sound too great either. I was wondering why you pointed out that you went to an IVY, now I know why…So I’m to echo the thread from yesterday, ‘do not use people as placeholders for when the type of person you really want to be with comes along (unless its strictly s**ual). I know being single can be rough but this is not fair to you or to them’. If you want to get married, this isnt the guy for you. And if being with someone with an ivy or ivy adjacent pedigree matters to you there are meetups for that.

          • I think you are right and the $ex is not keeping him with me as I said earlier it’s all about him and I’m an afterthought. If I could find someone else I’d break up but no one is interested in dating let alone marrying me. I’m 27 and want to move on but I do not want to waste time.

          • Brunette Elle Woods :

            Stop using him!!! Break up, enjoy being single until you find someone else more compatible. Otherwise you are just wasting time, yours and his.

          • This cannot be real.

          • Anonymouse :

            Ok Id say this was fake too but I sadly know a lot of other women like this (also in my mid-late 20s here). MSB, if you are indeed telling the truth, get some therapy, like yesterday. You can afford it and it will help you figure out why you let yourself be in this situation for a full year and how you can hopefully find someone who will give you what you want and quite frankly, get over yourself a bit. That cheesy quote, ‘we accept the love we deserve’ or some sh** is real.

          • +1 Anon at 10:26 a.m.

          • Wow, yes, you will NOT find the right person to marry any faster by dragging this relationship on. I agree, you do sound awful.

        • Why does where he–or you?–went to school matter for purposes of this issue? I am not asking to be rude or critical, but perhaps you should examine why it matters to you enough to bring it up. There may just be a mismatch here in yor head, and that’s fine, but acknowledge that as you explore this issue.

        • I’ll do both of you a favor: dump him.

          You say you want to be “more equal” in the same breath as disparaging his educational background. (Which is still somehow sufficient to make more money than you, so…)

          In terms of other prospects, maybe try an online dating service like Seeking Arrangement? I think you’ll find more men there willing to pay their share of the Montauk rental…

        • assistant professor :

          I don’t get why you are so hung up on pedigree. There are a lot of high-rank lemons (you know what a lemon is from econ 101 right?) What makes you awesome and what defines you is what you bring to your employers, clients, and family. (Side note, IVY stands for college. So if you get a JD from an Ivy, that does not make you an IVY… )

          Get back to your question:
          He seems a poor choice. Staying with him (a person who does not respect you) also means you do not respect yourself enough. Before making a decision to break up (or not breaking up), think really hard what means most to you in your partner. And ask yourself really hard if he meets your standard. Also try to think really hard what makes you put up with him. You must have a reason. Then think if that’s a valid reason.

    • I think you need to talk to him about all of this. From your comment, it sounds like you have calculated that he makes more money than you and has lower expenses, and you’re trying to use this Montauk rental to equal things out. Unless you want to break out some financial ledgers and calculate who is paying more for each thing in your relationship, both in real dollars and as a percentage of income, there is no clear-cut right answer here.

      If you want him to chip in some money for the time he spends at your place, ask him to. If you don’t think you can afford to pay for the Montauk rental, or it’s just not a financial priority right now, tell him that. But embarking on a plan to force the books to be exactly balanced will probably wind up being more frustrating than anything.

    • It sounds like you resent that he’s always over at your place. Is the issue that you feel like your subsidizing his rent? That you want more alone time? I’d try to address this with him directly (although I’m having trouble coming up with a script). I also think how you address it depends a lot on where you’d like the relationship to go. Is the summer share a step towards moving in together? Is it a convenience?

    • Anonymous :

      Two separate issues. You should pay for your half of the summer share. You should discuss with him whether he is effectively living with you, whether you want him to be, and whether he needs to be paying rent.

    • Brunette Elle Woods :

      He’s asking you if you want to do a Summer share together. Just because it was his idea doesn’t mean he should pay the whole thing. Living arrangements are a completely different issue. Honestly, you sound like you want a free ride. Do you know if he has student loans? Maybe that’s why he has roommates and he’s trying to save. Obviously if he could afford his own place he would. It makes sense for him to stay at your place because you two can enjoy the privacy together. Try to be a little more understanding.

    • how do shares work? :

      I’ve never done any of these (just heard stories). Do couples bunk together? Or have a private room? I thought people were very crammed in. But if you are getting your own designated place in a share that’s not a zoo, I’d treat it as any other vacation and go in together on it. If he’s just proposing that you get non-private bunking rights in a house, maybe he ought to treat you as his guest and pay for it.

    • I think there are a myriad of situations going on here. Firstly, what does ‘sleeping together for a year/dating’ mean? Are you in a committed relationship where you share expenses, are invested in each others well-being, factor each other in various life decisions, etc? While I dont think he is obligated to pay for you if you are in a committed relationship (especially if you can afford it) – if this is just a long term FWB situation, of course you should pay your way. Secondly, I agree with Anon at 9:11, relationships are not tit for tat. It seems like youre taking score, and calculating and (healthy) relationships just dont work like that. It seems like all of this is a byproduct of the real issue (imo) that you dont know what you are to each other: talk to him about it ASAP.

    • Is there a possiblity you are are feeling used? You provide sex and a nicer place to live. He makes more money and can’t even pay for the share for you. I think you need to work out if this guy is in fact using you for a free comfortable living situation with sex or does he really see a future commitment for the two of you.

    • Surprised that there are genuine responses to this. I rarely call troll but: “JD from IVY” + “He has a BS in management from Tulane which is not that impressive either ” sounds pretty off. Commentators usually mention facts relevant to their question. The question is about a houseshare so why would schools matter? Maybe, given the first post troll post trend for a while, a first post of the day like this it just sets off my troll meter.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        Agreed- when I first started reading it I was like “Oh it’s going to be a resume question,” but um….yeah, this is like E**en but with better grammar.

      • a millenial :

        yea such troll

    • If you want to own half of a thing, then you should pay for half of that thing. None of the other factors you’ve mentioned matter for that part.

      As for the rest of it, good lord, break up with this guy. You’re being a major @sshole to continue dating someone you have this much disdain for.

    • Oh, Ellen, why are you even asking this? You know he should be paying for the summer share and your apartment too!

    • Maybe I’m missing something here, but just say no? You’re upset that he made this decision without consulting you and now expects you to pay for it. So… don’t? “Thanks for inviting me to go in on this share with you, but that’s not how I’d like to spend my fun money this summer. I’m happy to join you whenever it works for both our schedules.”

    • Anonymous :

      Yes, but where was your BS from?

  2. Anyone watch the Yates hearing yesterday? I enjoyed her sparring with Ted Cruz. I thought her delivery and composure were masterful.

    • The Breitbart squad is like “oh she got owned.” (???)

      I do enjoy a good Cruz-bashing, specifically when he’s acting hoity toity like NOW blind allegiance is a good thing.

      But I still think the power move from Sally would be to quietly staff the trump stuff with the least competent staff. First years, here’s your chance.

      • I took a little bit of delight in the fact I noticed Ted Cruz is starting to get a bald spot in the front that he’s trying to hide. Cannot stand Ted Cruz.

    • Love her! Masterful job against Cruz.

      I miss rational and thoughtful people running our government. Remember back when people – irrespective of party – were genuinely trying to do the “right” thing (even though they disagreed about what that might be?)

      • Anonymouse :

        Right?? Sometimes I wonder if we’ll ever go back to those days =(

      • No. When was that time? (serious question)

        I think it’s really easy to think of yesteryear with a rosy facade, but there have been ‘crazies’ in our political system since the beginning of time. Certainly there are degrees of crazy, and depending on how you lean you may or may not agree that Today’s Crazy is worse than Yesterday’s Crazy, but still… I believe it’s dishonest to tell yourself this is a new phenomenon.

        • What? Literally what? No. Just no. Cannot with this.

          • This is so unhelpful. You sound dumb responding to a serious question like that.

          • It wasn’t a serious question. And if it was, the questioner is an idiot and I’m not wasting time on her stupidity.

          • Except, I kind of agree. What we’re experiencing now is taking it to an entirely new level, but I really wouldn’t ever describe our government as having been rational and thoughtful.

        • For a few decades after WWII, Congress was largely populated by WWII veterans – nearly 4 out of 5 members of Congress had fought in that war. I don’t want to look at Congress in the 1970s with rose-colored glasses since there were obviously many issues in the country as a whole, but by and large, many of those who ran for office following the war did so out of a sense of civic duty. Also, the shared experience of having fought in the war was a moderating influence.

          Here’s an article that mentions this: http://www.npr.org/sections/itsallpolitics/2014/12/09/369663245/congress-says-goodbye-to-its-last-world-war-ii-vets

          • Great point. Thanks for the helpful response.

          • It is possible to serve in the government out of a sense of civic duty and not be a veteran. Most people currently serving in our government do have a sense of civic duty. Disagree with their policies, ideas, politics, whatever, but not everyone you disagree with is a monster lacking in civic duty.

          • Very true that one can have a sense of civic duty and not be a veteran. I just think it’s important to recognize that there are reasons that Congress seems more divided and dysfunctional now than in the past – because they are! I disagree with the notion that “oh, things have always been this way.” Things used to be less contentious and more collegial, in large part because the voices being heard were more homogenous – though there were some divisions along party lines, for a long time your typical Congressional rep was a white man who had military experience, so there was a lot of common ground to build relationships and respect.

        • I have book to read called The Last Great Senate (Ira Shapiro) about the 1960s and 70s, prior to Reagan coming into office. It’s not that all of government was not-crazy, but the Senate was seen as having a particular level of bipartisenship.

        • Yes, there have always been crazies. But they weren’t in charge. I don’t agree with John McCain on many things, but he is a man of integrity (Palin lapse in judgment notwithstanding). Same with Romney – he is grounded in principles, just ones I happen to disagree with.

          But the current batch of people don’t stand for anything except “I hate science,” “the constitution only applies to white dudes,” and “the poor can go f*ck themselves.” Those aren’t principled policy positions, or legitimate political platforms. The crazy that used to only exist on Talk Radio and on the fringes are now responsible for making actual decisions that affect actual peoples’ lives. I’m 40 so my memory of politics goes back as far as the late Reagan years, but I don’t ever remember this level of blatant, unapologetic craziness.

          • I agree with you completely. The utter disregard for how government and, in many cases, reality functions is new, or at least a new level of extreme.

          • Anonymouse :

            Yep, totally. The days of the sensible prominent GOP figures are long gone. Its like the Tea Party took over the day Obama won and said, ‘we’ll take it from here’

          • THIS,

    • Sally Yates LIKE A BOSS. Everything she’s ever done. ‘swoon’

  3. Recipe Ideas - Spinach :

    Morning! Anyone have low carb recipe ideas involving cooked spinach as the base? I love sauteed italian sausage mixed with cooked spinach, but would like to switch it up. Open to any and all suggestions. Thank you!

    • Anonymous :

      Crustless quich/mini-quiches or fritatta are good options.

    • LondonLeisureYear :



    • cat socks :

      Check the blog Kalyn’s Kitchen. I just recently found the blog so haven’t tried a ton of recipes, but they are all low carb.

    • An egg scramble with goat cheese, spinach and tomatoes is one of my favorites.

      And a good spinach salad is always nice.

    • Shakshuka! You can mix anything into it, I’ve been doing a version with Italian spices lately using spinach that would also be really yummy with sausage. I cook the traditional kind with spicier sausage sometimes. I feel like I suggest this every time someone asks for recipe recommendations on here but it is really the yummiest, and super easy.

    • low-carb anon :

      I don’t know how low-carb is low-carb enough for you, but I love dishes with spinach and ricotta (start from a good lasagna recipe, leave out pasta and tomato as desired).

    • I just made chickpeas and spinach last night. https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1012408-chickpeas-with-baby-spinach

  4. Exhausted :

    As a fluke, I accidentally missed my antidepressant and mood stabilizer 3 days in a row. I didn’t realize it until yesterday evening, after “working from home” but actually sleeping the entire day. I feel exhausted and blue, just so worn down. Nothing to do but let the meds re-stabilize for a few days, so just looking for some self-care ideas that might make me feel a little better. Something that helps is reminding myself that this is just a side effect of messed up meds, rather than some slip into a giant depression.

    P.S. Missing meds is a really rare thing for me, as I keep them by the coffee pot and use an amazing service called Pill Pack. If you take a fair amount of medicines or supplements, I really recommend it. Essentially it’s a mail-order pharmacy that packages your pills by day. Kind of an automated pill sorter, and no more expensive than a normal pharmacy.

    • You should be feeling better soon. Thank goodness!

      Do you have a “happy light”? Make sure you use it for at least 30 minutes every morning.

      Do some daily exercise.

      Get outside at lunch and take a brisk walk in the sun. Get some brief sun exposure.

      Watch your favorite movie, with your favorite take out food.

      Call your favorite friend that can always make you laugh.

      Get plenty of sleep, but force yourself to get out of bed with an alarm across the room.

      You can do it!

    • New Tampanian :

      If you can work on mindless stuff, do that. I know when I miss my meds my brain gets super foggy. I try to stay away from any “heavy lifting” at work and in my personal life.

      Go get an ice cream cone or pet a pup.

      You seem to be self-aware which really is the #1 thing. Since you know that you need some self-care right now, you are already in the mindset, and likely to make the right choices for you. That’s good.

    • Not a lot of advice–I agree that recognizing (and remembering) what is going on is key!

      I made this mistake for the first time recently. I mixed up a thyroid med and a “take as needed” asthma med, and I took the asthma med instead of thyroid for a week. I had no idea why I was feeling so awful until I was straightening up the nightstand and realized what I had done. The best I could do was rest and look forward to feeling better.

    • Hugs hugs hugs. You are so awesome to have figured this out and be self-aware enough to ask for help getting through. Feel free to keep checking in with us for the next few days until the meds take hold :) A lot of us have been there and understand what it’s like to forget that the reason you’re blue is missed meds, and not the start of another terrifying dark episode.

      Maybe write “this is just missed meds — it’s temporary and I’m already working to make it better” or something like that on a couple of post-it notes and put them around the house to help stop any worry spirals?

      Rooting for you.

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      Ouch. I’m sorry. That’s the worst feeling- I missed mine three nights in a row last week (accident as well) and they’re just re-stabilizing now. It’s like you start sinking back into he*l.

      Get some sunlight if you can, try to take a walk each day, happy light, exercise if you can (easier said than done), try to get out of the house. And remember when you restart that it’s going to be a bit of a shock to your system and it might take a few days to not suck. Trying to remind myself of this right now- I’d gotten used to 10mg after being on 5mg for awhile but now the 10mg are kicking my a** with exhaustion.

  5. Anonymous :

    Where do you buy jewelry for work? I’m looking for affordable ideas. I don’t mind fake stones, but ideally want real metals (allergies).

    • Robyn Rhodes and Oceanne have worked well for me (sensitive skin)

    • I’m partial to longtime reader KanyeEast’s Etsy site. She has some really lovely stuff and takes commissions. I also like Vrai and Oro too.

    • I admit to never noticing the metals piece of it because I do not have allergies, so apologies in advance if this doesn’t work for you, but I buy a lot of stuff from Delezhen on Etsy.


    • If you’re into statement pieces, Target’s line is actually shockingly high-quality for the price.

    • pugsnbourbon :

      Not sure about your style, but there’s an overwhelming amount of delicate geometric jewelry on Etsy. I find that smaller studs (I’m an earring person) are very affordable in high-quality metals.

  6. Yates -- nonpolitical :

    I get my news mainly from NPR, so I hadn’t seen Sally Yates until I saw a picture of her in the morning paper.


    — UGA and UGA law grad. I love to see State U represented so high up in govt. I sent to Different State State U and applaud her. In DC, I really fear that unless you went to HYS (for at least one degree), the world looks down its nose at you. [Although I suspected that it was probably easier for her to get a job at K&S than DOJ, at least at first.] You go, girl!

    — I heard her on NPR: she is obviously southern. I have to applaud her. I feel that we here in the SEUS are all seen as secret sheet wearers (if we are white) by the rest of the world and there’s a -1 on the scale of merit the minute we step upon it. I’m glad that that she has met with professional success.

    — Also cheering her on the hair. I know, but this is a fashion blog. Many of us in the SEUS are not only urged to color our hair, but also to be blonde. More cheers to Sally.

    — From what I saw in the paper, +1 on the outfit choice yesterday.

    — From wikipedia: husband is a seemingly regular guy, two children are college-aged. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS (including where you shop and how working in law hasn’t wrecked your posture).

    That is all.

    • FWIW, my posture has gotten much better with strength training. Once your core/back is stronger, it’s less of a strain on your muscles to actually sit up straight.

      • I was amazed that she has been in law for decades and it has not wrecked her posture, her marriage, or her children. I feel that I am struggling in all three areas and need to see that someone has managed the juggle without flat-out quitting (and she’s in govt, but if anything it was more work with a substantial pay cut).

        (I realize she’s technically unemployed now, but imagine that she’s just sorting through offers and taking some well-earned time off).

    • Legally Brunette :

      I didn’t realize that she was a UGA grad! Totally agree with you that it’s awesome to someone besides HYS represented in the top ranks. HYS is great of course, just nice to see some school diversity once in a while.

      • Yes this was one of the things that I noticed too, school diversity in high positions can be such a rarity sometimes.

        • +1

          Esp at national-type jobs. If the same people from the same schools are the only ones at the table, it’s like an echo-chamber. Bad for policy, esp. when something at DOJ matters to all of us.

          School and geographic diversity matter. Get some fresh ideas.

    • It is harder for an HYS grad to get a job at a top-tier Atlanta firm than a UGA grad.

      -Signed, someone who does hiring in ATL

      • EVERYONE looking at school debt: PLS pay attention to this. If you aren’t in NYC/DC/SF, local & good matters much more than national & great.

      • Really? That’s not true in Houston.

        • I think that with secondary markets (even if big enough to have an NFL team), there is a lot of skepticism as to why a HYS person would want to be there and concern that they’d also not likely stay. If you’re in a pipeline school, that’s different.

          I’ve heard that Proctor & Gamble (Cincinnati) hires local to get people who want to live/work long term in Cincinnati. I imagine that Omaha is the same way. And maybe Denver.

          CLT doesn’t have a local law school, but there are many schools nearby (WF, USC, UNC, Duke). But it might be hard to get a job in CLT from a GA school b/c the thought is that GA/Georgia Tech/Emory grads want to be in Atlanta not CLT. But if a Tufts/Chicago grad wants a job in either ATL or CLT, it’s going to be tough.

          • Yes, Omaha is the same. National and great will get you looked at, but will also be met with skepticism about why you are looking in Omaha and if you will stay. A good chunk of the firm/department probably went to Creighton or UNL, and you will get a slight bump if you did too. They also won’t question if you will stay.

          • Denver is definitely the same. You’ll see many more Boulder, DU, UNC (that’s Northern CO ) than “outsiders.” I got a lot of guff for a HYPS undergrad + Ivy MBA when I lived there, and certainly was not at all the type who talked about my education unprompted or was an a$$ when prompted. Just a lot of, “Gosh wow! We don’t get a lot of ____ graduates here” over and over. I wanted to scream, “It wasn’t my fault I went to school on a coast but think Denver is awesome!” more than once.

          • Omaha looks fondly on local grads unless there is an obvious reason you want to relocate back to the state (family, etc.) If you don’t have an obvious reason that can be established from your resume and cover letter, you’re likely not getting an interview.

        • We compete heavily with our peer firms for the top 5 or so students from UGA and Emory, as well as the top 1-2 students from GSU. We don’t interview on campus at Yale anymore because we’ve not found the candidate pool compelling. We interview at the other top schools (H/C/C/N) but don’t always end up hiring. In addition to UGA/GSU/Emory, we hire heavily from Duke, UNC, Vanderbilt, and the Florida schools.

          We end up with more top-tier hires via the lateral market, frankly – the Harvard grad who wants to come home after 5 years in NYC often has a better short than the Harvard 1L who clearly prefers NYC but is interview in ATL as a backup (not realizing that the odds of getting a space at the backup are longer than the odds in NYC).

        • JuniorMinion :

          Yeah seconding this – it’s opened doors for me here that I went to an ivy. I’m on the finance side but basically the only Texas schools with a good shot at getting a job in my place of business are UT(McCombs) and A&M (Mays). Most of the folks on my team have pretty prestigious alma maters. The engineering / petroleum side is a bit different but it’s still a national list.

          • JuniorMinion :

            I’m in Houston if that wasn’t clear. I think it could be a bit different here just due to the fact that Houston isn’t really a secondary market – for anything in real assets it’s probably the global HQ

      • This is absolutely true in my market (New England outside of Boston). I went to law school in Boston and came home to practice. There is a law school in our home state. Despite graduating at the top of my class (not at H) from a great school (not sure where they rank now), I was not taken as seriously because “I left [our home state] to go to school.”

        The other half of this is that the state bar is populated with graduates of Home State Law School, and the network is active. As a result, they all know each other and are more willing to go with a known quantity (or known by one of their classmates) than someone who is from away.

    • Hey, I’m trying to convince my sophomore in HS daughter that state schools are really good choices. I can have her paid for and done for about $100k (tuition, room and board) vs $250+k for a small private liberal arts college, which would involve student loans on her part.

      Please tell me I’m not ruining my daughter’s future pushing her in this direction.

      • Sally Yates says you’re thinking right.

      • You are absolutely not ruining her future for doing this. Although it does depend on what your daughter wants to study and its a different story if she is choosing between HYS and her state school. But even then, state schools can be great options, especially if she wants to go to graduate school down the line (it will make the burden of potential student loans much less burdensome if she doesnt have any from undergrad). Also, I truly do not think small private liberal arts schools with the $250k + price tag is worth it imo…

      • major matters more :

        I think the major matters more. I went to an average State School for my undergrad and regionally-strong State School for my MBA, and I’m doing just fine. I’m in marketing, so it’s taken me a few years into my career to make god money, but now I’m making six figures, on my way to senior positions, etc. I’ve never had any issues getting interviews/job offers, except when I move out of state in 2008 and the economy was tanking everywhere.

        Husband went to State School for his undergrad degree in CS/SE, got hired in Big Tech making Good Money right out of school. Many of his peers had fancy degrees that cost 2x-3x more than his degree, and they were drowning in loans. He got a full ride to his State School, so he ended up making the same money with zero debt. He’s had no trouble getting interviews/job offers in the ~10 years since graduating.

      • Mrs. Jones :

        She can get a good education at a big state school, no question.
        Speaking of Yates and UGA, go Dawgs!

      • Anonymous :

        State U is fine for undergrad, but for grad school or professional school she needs to go to a top-ranked school. She can get a good job or get into a good grad school with a bachelor’s from State U. For grad school or law school, though, career options are severely limited if you don’t have a fancy degree.

        Should have listened to my law professor and transferred to Yale

        • Well, if you look at this thread, I think people are saying they aren’t necessarily as limited as people might think. I think it is way harder to be a Supreme Court clerk with a Flagship State U JD (although I know someone who is a two-time SCOTUS clerk with a JD from Flagship State U), but if you are trying to get a job at the biggest firm in the biggest city in your state, the fancy degree isn’t necessarily better than the Flagship State U degree and may be worse.

        • Well law school there is certainly an argument to be made that you should go to a top tier school because many law firms take school prestige into account (same with finance) but I still think it really varies – especially depending on the field – especially in STEM. It also depends on which city one is in. One of my friends went to our state school for undergrad and medical school and shes now doing her residency at Hopkins. Same goes for many of my engineering friends who graduated debt free with six figure jobs (both undergrad and grad degrees from our state U). Then again, we were all in a special honors program within my state school where many of those students were offered slots at top private schools (some ivies, some private non ivies like NYU, Northwestern, etc).

          I write all that to say, I think yes sometimes it does matter, but if you have a state school with great connections, career services, etc it can give you what you need to succeed – also location really matters in terms of availability of opportunities.

      • You are not definitely not ruining her life, but I suggest looking at scholarship possibilities. In speaking with parents of some recent HS grads, some said that small, private, liberal arts colleges were less expensive for them than their state schools because of the scholarships available. They made too much money to qualify for grants at public schools, but there was much more available at the private ones.

      • Shenandoah :

        Don’t overlook those expensive private colleges either. Look into how they handle their financial aid and size of their endowment relative to student body size. Some of those private schools with crazy high sticker prices also have very deep pockets. I paid far less at a $$$ private school than I would have going to an equivalent state school.

        • +1 to this. I ended up receiving a very generous academic scholarship from my private liberal arts college (my parents couldn’t afford the $40k+ annual sticker price, but made too much to qualify for any aid) and it was cheaper for me to go there than a state school. My alma mater also worked with me to help me graduate a semester early, which saved even more money (I understand that this is harder to do in a crowded state school).

        • lost academic :

          +1. Don’t obsess too early on sticker price. You can whittle down after you get the offers in hand.

  7. Whats something you can’t let go (in a good way) recently? Maybe a piece of music is motivating you or a quote is inspiring you or you can’t stop cooking a recipe or you learned a new fact about the world and its blowing your mind?

    • Anonymous :

      Indonesia is the third-largest country in the world. Blew my mind. I think it’s because I haven’t ever met anyone from Indonesia in my daily life.

      • ETA: by population

      • I learned this recently as our catsitter is from Indonesia and I scrambled to do some research

        A bookstore in my hometown used to do “Around the World in Books” for kids and I think adults need this as well.

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Recipe: http://sallysbakingaddiction.com/2017/04/06/unbelievable-walnut-crusted-chicken/

      Topic: Autobiographical Homes – looking at homes that architects designed for themselves.

      Music: Shugo Tokumaru – Lita-Ruta

      New Fact that I can’t seem to let go: It wasn’t until 2015 that London had a bigger population than it had before World War 1. It took all those years to make up for the loss during the World Wars.

      • Woah, that London fact is wild!

      • A similar facts –

        Ireland’s population has never recovered from the famine and following waves of immigration.

        In 1840, Ireland had about 8 million people. Today it only has 5 million ish.

        • I think that the US population of Irish descent is +/- 50M. My husband is at most 50% Irish, so rounding up and he counts our children as Irish.

          Newark NJ has the largest Portuguese population (via direct migration from Portugal) outside of Portugal. And a substantial population that is . . . Portugu-phone (Portuguese-speaking immigrants from non-Portugual).

          • joan wilder :

            Lusophones but I like your phrasing too! That is interesting– I always thought it was the Boston/NE/Gloucester area thought I’ve never looked it up (but enjoyed many dinners in the Ironbound district).

    • I know, I know, but I saw Hamilton recently and it is literally my dreams every night.

      • My 10-year-old blasts Hamilton nonstop every second she is home. She also plays it on the piano. I like it, but not quite that much. It is now in my nightmares.

    • The carpool karaoke video with Chris Martin. I watch it whenever I need a lift, even though I’m not a huge Coldplay fan. He is like the human embodiment of a golden retriever, and instead of trying to be cool and detached like some singers, he just seems genuinely pleasant and happy.

    • hypothyroidism and being Rh- :

      I’m Rh- and lost my first pregnancy to a miscarriage. My husband is Rh+. In another time, I would never have anything else but dead babies.

      I read about Henry VIII and his wifes and their losses and wonder if I’m not just like them, but thanks to rhogam I’m still “headed” and a parent to two Rh+ children.

      One of my children has congenital hypothyroidism and even 50 years ago would probably have been severly brain damanged but for quickly discovering that due to mandatory newborn health screening and treating it very easily and cheaply. She is completely “normal” and I think that the world today is full of (by old standards) miracles.

      • I literally think about this all the time, too. I’m Rh- and lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage with an Rh+ positive husband and two Rh+ children. Medicine really is a miracle.

        • hypothyroidism and being Rh- :

          I watched the Lou Gehrig (trivia: Columbia University, member of Phi Delta Theta, originally attended Columbia on a football scholarship) movie and I will misquote him here:

          I consider myself to be the luckiest girl on the face of the earth.

      • +1.

        Along similar lines, antibiotics were not widely available to the general population until the 1950s. That’s… not very long ago.

        • Obviously this is a big deal in many respects but I’m just curious, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve taken antibiotics: Once as a toddler and I had an allergic reaction, pneumonia when I was about 16; a sinus/ double ear infection in college, a UTI in grad school, and I think that is it. Do people take them much more frequently?

          • Count yourself lucky! They are standard for pregnant women, people getting cancer treatments (which now includes people with autoimmune disease), people having surgery (before and after), IVF, dental work, heart issues, plus all of the infections you’d expect to see on the list. Pneumonia, UTI, skin infections, etc.

          • ETA: i have a family member who is alive because of the diversity of antibiotics we have now, but what really terrifies me about antibiotic resistance day-to-day is that you can’t do surgery or treat cancer without them. Imagine going back to that kind of time!

          • No Problem :

            That’s similar to my rate of use: probably a few times as a baby/toddler that I don’t remember, 3-4 cases of strep in grade school, sinus infection in high school, strep again in college and once in my mid-twenties. Thankfully no UTIs or anything worse. But if you don’t treat a strep infection, the bacteria can harm your heart (valves I think?) and cause other problems later in life. So sure, I’d still be alive and probably pretty healthy if I’d never had antibiotics, but I have also been lucky and not had any major infections (or surgeries where major infections are a serious possibility). But if nobody took antibiotics to cure their infections, wouldn’t we all get sick more often?

          • Anonymous, they are standard for pregnant women? Pregnant twice, and never on antibiotics. Like OP I have also only been on antibiotics a handful of times. I also think there are two types of people in the world…those who ask the doctor for zpaks for viruses, and those who wait it out.

          • Same

          • LondonLeisureYear :

            But even just those handful of times….is still the difference between life and death. What is just a cold or a minor infection now became much worse back then.

            Why are we arguing about this? I had a burst appendix and because I live in this era I am alive! My great grandmother- oh yah she died from a burst appendix.

            Modern Medicine. Pretty Darn Amazing.

        • My kid and I would both be dead if it weren’t for antibiotics. Antibiotic resistance is one of my biggest fears.

          • Interesting on the surgery point. I’ve had a few minor surgeries (general anesthesia but out of the hospital the same day I went in) and I was never given antibiotics. I didn’t realize they were part of the regimen for IVF. And I’m definitely not suggesting that people don’t take antibiotics if they need them, i.e. bacterial strep throat.

        • Anonymous :


          Sorry – shouldn’t have said “standard” for pregnant women, but 40% according to this research get them.

      • My child and/or I would have died in childbirth if I had been born in any other time, or in modern times, many other places (access to a quick, clean C-Section meant everyone survived). I have a hard time seeing pregnant women portrayed in period TV shows, as we would not have made it. I try to balance it by donating to organizations who specialize in maternal care around the world.

      • I’m also Rh-, husband Rh+, and our daughter has congenital hypothyroidism. I’ve thought many, many times how crazy it is that such happenstance things could have been so detrimental had we lived in a different time. I recall starting her on Synthroid when she was 9 days old and reading about the severe developmental impacts she’d face without treatment. It’s pretty incredible that a simple screening test can prevent such harm! Hooray for science (and for insurance that covers her pre-existing condition…)

      • Nudibranch :

        My mom has hashimoto’s and is RH-. She was the first locally to get the shot while expecting me. Our family is all for ‘modern’ medicine…we wouldn’t have survived otherwise.

    • Obsessed with the Big Little Lies soundtrack, and especially the theme song (cold little hear by Michael Kiwanuka).

      • I am also obsessed with Big Little Lies generally (I watched the series, now reading the book).

    • My new Baha hearing aid processor! I just got it yesterday and I had not realized it is Bluetooth enabled and I can stream music and my phone calls directly to it from my phone. I am still figuring out which external magnet to use (one is super strong, but hurts after a while, the other is not quite as strong but hurts less) and learning not to knock it off my head when I am fidgeting with my hair or changing my clothes (using the safety clip for now).

    • The Federal Reserve in Minneapolis sends the shredded money (old bills out of circulation) to company in Southern MN to turn it into countertop material (resin mixed with the shredded paper). They market it under the name “Counterfeit”. I love the pun on it.

      (At least this was true in 2008. when I toured the Fed as part of a class)

      • There’s a store where I lived called the Counterfitters and their logo is a thief creeping away. I freaking love it. (I love puns.)

    • Senior Attorney :

      I went to the Air and Space Museum over the weekend and was confronted again by the fact that my grandmother was born 11 months before the Wright brothers’ first flight. And she lived to see men walk on the moon, and the internet, and television, and basically a complete technological revolution. Blows my mind.

      • Blonde Lawyer :

        This. My grandmother was born the year the Titanic sank. She lived to 103. She saw smartphones. At her funeral, my dad read a list of all the major things she saw in her lifetime. The Polio vaccine! She was in her 50’s for the Civil Rights Movement. It’s just amazing.

    • Anonymous :

      I’ve been listening to Hamilton on repeat for the past couple of days.

      • Sloan Sabbith :

        I listened to Hamilton on repeat during bar prep. Surprisingly, I still love it and listen to it a few times a week.

    • Minnie Beebe :

      New fact that I’ve not yet completely absorbed: In the amount of time that’s passed since the Declaration of Independence was signed, Pluto has not yet fully-orbited the sun. It’s still got another 7 Earth years to go!

    • “It’s raining cats and dogs” came into use in times with poor sewers when dead cats and dogs would float into the street during heavy rain.

    • Anonymous :

      Miso butter — on everything
      Soy sauce hard boiled eggs

  8. Anonymous :

    Any recommendations for mail-order gluten-free baked goods that are really good?

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Maybe choose something that is naturally gluten free like macarons or fruit?

    • Flourless chocolate cake! Also, look on Smitten Kitchen for passover dessert ideas.

    • http://www.stickyfingersbakery.com/shop/

      Sticky Fingers is in DC and they mail order many of their items. Most, if not all (haven’t checked), are GF; many are vegan. I am a grain-loving, animal-product-eating person and I LOVE Sticky Fingers.

      • Strike that, reverse it: most are vegan, some are GF.

        • Drat! Looks like they are wheat-sensitive, but not strictly gluten free. .. the search continues. . .

          • Why? Why this needy person gotta get baked goods?

          • I assume Celiac.

          • (I am a “pro-am” baker at home and while I’ll do paleo/wheat-sensitive, I won’t call anything gluten free because I do not maintain a gluten free kitchen.)

          • Mother’s Day and celiac. She doesn’t get herself fun baked goods most of the year.

      • Anonforthis :

        All of Sticky Fingers’ in-store products are vegan. I live right down the street in DC! It’s delicious.

    • Yes! Gluten free cake pops from treat cupcake bar in needham. They ship them and they are great with gluten free and so pretty

    • Celiac Snacker :

      The cookie sandwiches. So moist, so good. You can order them easily online.
      I’ve never done the mail order, but in the store they are phenomenally good. They might package the frosting separately?

    • Although a lot of their products are mixes, the Hunger Buster cookie and the Granola are delicious! I found this company while on vacation to Yellowstone a couple years ago.


    • Where in the country are you looking? From our travels, there are dedicated GF bakeries throughout but many only deliver locally. (My husband has Celiac’s)

    • Georgetown Cupcakes has GF cupcakes and ships nationally I believe.

    • GlutenWize in PA has really good cookies (their chocolate chip cookies in particular are amazing).

    • Anonymous :

      Cookies con amore glutinetti range.

  9. Expectations of police :

    If your house experienced two thefts from the property within two weeks, what would you expect police to do? One was for two bicycles and the other (mysteriously) for some potting equipment from the garden area. My husband says I can’t expect the police to do anything about either because they have “other priorities,” which is certainly true, but I can’t really believe that the expectation is that police departments, who employ staff in property crimes divisions and tons of others, can only respond to murders and assaults. As it happens, I have tried calling the police line multiple times to provide more information about the stolen bikes, which I believe I have found on Craigslist, and I can’t get through or get anyone to call me back. Am I being unrealistic to think that the mark of a good city and police department is that all crimes, large and small, receive some kind of due process resolution? I don’t even care that the potting equipment is gone – I care that there is some kind of accountability for the theft and that this is the second crime on my property within two weeks.

    • If you live in a tiny town with no other crime, maybe.

      If you live in any sort of a city: nope.

      Help youself: invest in some motion detector lights and maybe a camera. And maybe a fence. And maybe a dog if you feel unsafe. And maybe a security system sign.

      The person doing this probably has nothing to lose (or is a bit of a nut — someone stole my $15 solar path lighting two times), so you deter and hope they move on to something more fruitful.

    • Yes you are being unrealistic.

    • I think it depends on where you live, but yes, feels like you have very high expectations of police. (no judgment, just an observation). There are women who have DV Orders who cannot get police to respond and then are killed. Something tells me the cops don’t give a hoot about your garden supplies.

      *also as a caveat, not interested in debating anyone about it – I personally don’t trust/rely on police for most anything useful so I wouldn’t expect much in your situation either.

      • Feel free not to debate, but an anti-police comment that they can’t be relied on for “most anything useful” is going to be met, at least by me, with some resistance. That’s an overgeneralization and a very ungrateful thing to say about people who risk their lives every day (and for very little pay). Incidentally, it’s Public Servant Appreciation Week.

        • I respect police officers. My BIL is a police officer. I am a criminal defense lawyer and work with them almost daily. I realize the vast majority are trying to do a good job with (at least in my city) very limited resources. That said, I do not rely on them either. If someone broke into my home, I would not wait around for them to come save me. I would get my gun and save myself and my children.

          As for the OP–I think you are being unrealistic. Most police departments are understaffed, overworked, and must prioritize. Which means a petty theft (sounds like they did not enter your house?) is going to be pretty low on the list. Do as others have suggested and make your house a less desirable target.

          • Of course. The police are not magic. They cannot teleport to your house in time to save you from a breakin-in-progress. No one should wait around for them to come save you– but as you said, you respect police officers and think they try to do a good job. That’s a contrast to the poster who said “I personally don’t trust” the police and don’t “rely on police for most anything useful.”

      • I feel the same way about the police as you do. ACAB for sure.

    • In general, you’re being unrealistic. The most I would hope for is that the routine patrol car for the area swings by your street a little more often than normal.

      But, given that you think you found the bikes on Craigslist – I would push a little more on that. Send a screenshot of the Craigslist ad to them via email if you have it or Facebook PM (if the force is active on FB). If it’s your bike then you might have some luck getting them to pursue it because it’s an open and shut case so an easy win for them.

    • Expectations of police :

      I guess I have a problem setting such a low bar for the status quo. Yeah, I think that in reality, I’ll never hear anything from the police, even though two valuable bikes were stolen and they ostensibly have a bike thefts division. What is all the taxpayer money going towards if they can’t investigate thefts in the thefts department? Should we just abolish the department if it’s completely useless anyway? I think it erodes trust in the police when there is a sense of disorder and lack of investigation of crimes. Of course it’s 1000x worse in the neighborhoods not far from me that have constant violent crime with little resolution, but isn’t that just another side to the same story? A crime is committed and nothing happens – it’s just more severe on the scale.

      • HAHA A bike thefts division? Our officers barely have enough resources to have a foot patrol for the worst neighborhoods. HAHA

      • Wait they actually have a bike thefts division?

      • Expectations of police :

        Actually, I should be more clear – I don’t think it’s an actual “division,” so to speak, but the police department here was quoted in the local newspaper as saying they encouraged all victims of bike theft to report it because the department was “very interested” in investigating and had specific procedures and policies in place to try to get stolen bikes back. I guess it’s probably more of a “team” than an official division.

        • Do you have the serial numbers for your bikes? I had a bike stolen and filed a police report with the serial number for the bike. If it shows up in a pawn shop you should get it back if you do that. Otherwise, you won’t.

          Basically, yes I think your expectations are unrealistic. You might press the issue on the bikes because you believe you have found them on Craigslist, but as for the potting equipment, what is it that you expect them to do? You have no witnesses and no suspects. What exactly are they supposed to investigate?

      • Where are you located? Major or secondary city?

        • Expectations of police :

          Bay Area. Obviously there are a lot of other problems here that are worthy of attention.

      • I think that thefts need a comma in them (ideally two) OR you are elderly and were defrauded OR it’s the last $ you have and will face economic hardship for it to matter.

        Unless you are Lance Armstrong, your used bikes are valuable to you but just another source of funds for the thief. What were they listed on Craigslist for? That’s how valuable they are to the market. Not sure the amount would get police attention.

        Arlington County used to let you register your bike and they’d give you a #d sticker. If they ever recovered your bike, you could get it back. I don’t think they’d make a CSI level case into looking to it if it were stolen.

        Broken windows policing is about a concentration of broken windows. When it’s only your broken window, count yourself among the lucky.

      • ” Of course it’s 1000x worse in the neighborhoods not far from me that have constant violent crime with little resolution, but isn’t that just another side to the same story?”

        Not the same story. Not the same chapter. Not the same book.

        What do you expect them to do? In the absence of identifying information (video camera catching an image of the face or licence plate? perhaps an IP address linked to a CL listing, if that’s even possible..?), there’s literally nothing they can do.

        I don’t want my city’s resources used on finding a bike, to be frank. I think a stolen bikes division is an enormous waste of money, if that sort of thing actually exists. A log of reportedly missing bikes? Sure. A staffed division/individual/team? NFW. I want them 100% working on the violent crimes that occur within my greater city/area – whether in my neighborhood, the one next to mine, or 10 miles across town – because, among other reasons, often times the victims of those crimes do not have the resources or knowledge to help themselves.

    • Agree with the comments above that your expectations are realistic.

      At the rate which stuff walks off in the city where I live, it’s considered part of the CoL. Our city needs to hire about 150 offices for a full force. Especially in light of that tidbit, I don’t expect police to care at all about small thefts like this. Now, someone was shot a block away from my house recently. In that instance, they responded extremely quickly and I was very happy with their response time and level of effort/attention. Suspects/murderers caught within a couple of days.

    • My city lets you do a ride-along with the police if you have a clean record. If your city lets you do that, I highly recommend. If you think that they spend manpower on a series of <$50 misdemeanors, it will be very eye-opening.

      I recommend to all of our summer associates and laterals — it is very eye-opening for people only used to some neighborhoods and some types of problems.

      • Can I ask where you’ve done this? I live in NoVa and work in DC and was talking about this (it’s tangent to my job) and several people told me it’s painfully boring.

        • Richmond, 10 yrs ago.

        • CLT, now

          It is boring except for shot-fired, the stolen car chase, the drug confiscation, and the arrest and booking. In one shift. Before the 11:00 news.

          In between, there was eating. Lots of eating.

          • Anonymous :

            I thought it sounded interesting! And I actually have friends who are on the force here. My boss seemed to have zero interest but said to knock myself out, so maybe I’ll do it.

    • Unrealistic.

      A family member was almost killed when hit by a car while he was crossing the street. Was hospitalized for 6 months. The police never returned a phone call to us. Not one phone call. Maybe they would have if he died? We never learned what happened.

      Each time my apartment has been broken into, the police came once to take a police report. Did no investigation themselves. Never called back. I found a neighbor who was a witness and pushed them to go to the police. Police never called witness.

      A friend had a valuable musical instrument stolen from his University locker – $30,000. He actually did his own detective work, found the place where the thief was trying to sell it, got the theif phone number and address….. and handed it to the police….. and the police refused to check it out. “Who knows how this guy got the instrument…. ” Well, at least they could have gotten the stolen instrument back!!!!! Nada.

      When someone broke into my work place (had been broken into multiple times…. once a week!) and stole my stereo/CD collection and many other items, the police did nothing. I found my CDs at a used CD store, and got them back. We set up a video camera and caught a video of the recurrent robber trying to break in again. Police did nothing and actually got mad at us for setting up a video camera (?!)

      • Your property losses are all insurable.

        The police are busy with uninsurable issues: DV, accidents, shootings, stabbings, robberies, elder abuse issues, practicing social work.

        • Yes, I agree.

          I am trying to show the OP how unreasonable her expectations are, by giving relative comparisons.

          But I do disagree with some of the police attitudes that I have experienced.

          My events were all in different cities.

    • We just had a theft of some tools (less than $100 value). I have zero expectation of getting them back and almost didn’t file a police report.

    • I would try my best to get somebody out and take a report. Your bikes may not be the crime-of-the-century, but your bikes combined with stuff from a bunch of other properties in the neighborhood could be enough to warrant serious charges when they find the person who did it, rather than the misdemeanor theft that your bikes probably were on their own. Your bikes aren’t a one-off property crime in your neighborhood. I can almost guarantee it.

      • Minnie Beebe :

        Try to get a report. If nothing else, it can bump up the case numbers and be used to justify hiring additional officers. You are unlikely to get anything back, but I’d try to file a report nonetheless.

    • I think that police are just simply understaffed (like many government funded orgs). I was held up at gunpoint while my attacker attempted to force me into acts that would get moderated here. At 730am on a public way. I was able to run away to a nearby home (absolutely hysterical) and they called the police. Despite the homeowner thinking they might KNOW my assailant, the police did absolutely no follow up.

      I was devastated about it for a really long time and felt very unsafe. I had to come to terms with the fact that my large city has an understaffed police force and a lot of major crimes. Although my crime was extremely significant to me, it wasn’t a priority for the department. I still have lingering uncertainty over the police department’s ability to help me in an emergency situation.

      No help from me, but thats my two cents.

      • Expectations of police :

        I find your situation an absolutely deplorable miscarriage of justice and something that should not happen in any civilized country. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

  10. Anyone have experience with diastasis recti? I’m 7 weeks pp and have about a 2 finger separation. I know I’m not supposed to do crunches and planks for a while, but just wondering if anyone has experience with exercises that can help close the gap? Thanks so much!!

    • Check out BirthFit’s “fourth trimester” recommendations. (not a mom; just a coach)

      • I’m unclear of why BirthFit would be recommending a chiropractor to fix diastasis recti–except that most of the articles are written by chiropractors shilling for their jobs. I’m not even anit-chiro but take those articles with a small grain of salt.

    • A physical therapist is your friend here, a 2 finger gap isn’t the worst they’ve seen but I think significant enough that you should see someone. I had about a 2 finger gap, and after two weeks of really simple exercises it was essentially closed. The exercises are simple in theory but you have to make sure you’re triggering the right muscle groups for it to work.

    • senior associate :

      Talk to your OB about recs for physical therapists who specialize in this. If you’re having any pelvic floor issues, they are related.

    • I wore a belly binder for a few months. Not sure if it did anything or not but my gap went from two fingers to 1/2 a finger so maybe it helped? Be patient with your body (easier said than done, I know) it will continue changing for months.

    • I had a two finger separation immediately postpartum. At 2.5 years pp, things are pretty much back to normal. I didn’t do anything special to fix it so maybe it will just get better on its own? But doesn’t hurt to see a PT for that and pelvic floor issues, which are pretty common.

    • Tupler technique. The Tupler splint was better than the regular belly band because it has you pushing the two sides together rather than just squishing everything in, if that makes sense. I did it with a PT who specializes in postpartum stuff.

    • If you find yourself needing surgery to fix it down the road, there was a really good post on Lifehacker recently about that process. http://vitals.lifehacker.com/what-to-expect-after-surgery-for-diastasis-recti-that-1794422082

  11. Nothing substantial to say except wow, I do not care for that jacket.

  12. Anon for this :

    Has anyone been diagnosed with adult-onset ADD/ADHD?

    I am under psychiatric care, and am not looking to crowd source a diagnosis, but I am starting to believe that I have undiagnosed ADD. I have all the typical symptoms: impulsivity, lack of focus, disorganization, restlessness, and emotional problems. They are starting to encroach on my productivity at work, and my self-image has nose dived since September because it feels like I can not get out from under my ever-increasing workload.

    I’m curious: has anyone been diagnosed later in life (30<), and seen an improvement with medication, specifically vyvanse/adderall?

    • I was diagnosed with adult ADHD a few years ago, got on medication (Vyvanse) and experienced significant improvements in both focus and organization. Looking back, it was clear I’d had ADHD since childhood and it turned out that my parents knew and didn’t want to bother with treatment. I think things for me growing up would have been a lot better had they just treated me. (I realize that last bit was not relevant to your question, just throwing that out there. TL;DR– Meds and reading a few adult ADHD books have done wonders for me.)

      • Anon for this :

        This is encouraging. Thank you.

        I think my mother would have had a similar reaction – she is a nurse, and believes fervently that ADD/ADHD is overdiagnosed.

        • Adult ADHD here, vyvanse helped, but ohhh the sweating. so much sweating.

        • No problem, glad to help. I’m a physician (not in the field of ADHD, and with no conflict of interest in that arena) and my symptoms became painfully obvious to me over time as I saw more kids and adults with ADHD. Adult ADHD has been correlated with a number of serious comorbidities and in my opinion, is not just a societal construct or artifact of bad parenting. I personally did not experience the sweating, but YMMV. In fact, I kind of had a paradoxical reduction in anxiety when I started the Vyvanse. I initially was concerned about not being able to wean off, but was easily able to do that for pregnancy and breastfeeding. The other great thing about medication was that the med helped me in establishing new habits to circumvent my symptoms that have stuck with me even off the medication, and frankly I consider that to be of even more value than the medication itself. Best of luck to you!

        • No problem, glad to help. I’m a physician (not in the field of ADHD, and with no conflict of interest in that arena) and my symptoms became painfully obvious to me over time as I saw more kids and adults with ADHD. Adult ADHD has been correlated with a number of serious comorbidities and in my opinion, is not just a societal construct or artifact of bad parenting. I personally did not experience the sweating, but YMMV. In fact, I kind of had a paradoxical reduction in anxiety when I started the Vyvanse. I initially was concerned about not being able to wean off, but was easily able to do that for pregnancy and lactation. The other great thing about medication was that the med helped me in establishing new habits to circumvent my symptoms that have stuck with me even off the medication, and frankly I consider that to be of even more value than the medication itself. Best of luck to you!

    • I was diagnosed at 25, so, “after 30” but what I would call later in life, but after working for 5 years and graduate school. I much prefer vyvanse, but it’s not covered under my new health insurance so I take Adderall XR. It’s similar, just not as smooth/long-lasting (on long days at work I take a second, later-in-the-day dose of IR to top it off)

      My mother is also a nurse who thinks ADD/ADHD is just a misdiagnosis of laziness/bad parenting, so I feel you there.

    • A consultant hired for another reason gently took me aside one day and suggested I look into information about adults with ADHD. It was an excellent recommendation. “Smart girls” with ADHD weren’t diagnosed when we were kids, and I coped right up until the point where my professional and personal lives became so complex my coping mechanisms were completely overwhelmed.

      I actually take an anti-depressant which is more effective for me than Adderall was. I also learned better coping skills-for example, I keep a stripped down Bullet Journal. Not the Michaels/Hobby Lobby nightmares you see on Pinterest, but a single place to keep all my projects/notes/to do lists has really helped me.

    • anontoday :

      Just a datapoint: I was diagnosed with ADHD in my 30s but (as I found out later on), it can be hard to differentiate ADHD and bipolar disorder, and people can be misdiagnosed. Ended up diagnosed with bipolar II and am doing great on a mood stabilizer + antidepressant. Not saying this is the case for you — just a PSA!

      • This happened to my brother. Diagnosed with ADHD as a child, decades later, his present doctor thinks he’s probably bipolar and is treating him for that. The symptoms seem to fit.

      • Anonymous :

        +1 to mentioning bipolar disorder. My husband takes Adderall for ADHD and also lamotrigine for his bipolar/mood disorder. The combination of these two things has helped him and our marriage immensely. From what I understand, lamotrigine is actually an epilepsy medication that is prescribed “off label” for more moderate bipolar/mood disorders because it has fewer side effects than say, lithium.

  13. Not that Anne, the other Anne :

    For those of you in casual offices or with regular long-haul flights, I have found a thing you may want to explore: PajamaJeans. Cutesy name aside, they make comfortable pull-on pants WITH POCKETS. Lots of different color options and several different styles, plus they’re pretty affordable. And if you need/want pants with an actual zipper, they also make those out of the same fabric – also featuring pockets. Pockets are a key criteria in my wardrobe choices.

    My office is extremely casual (jeans acceptable any day that I’m not seeing clients), so I can wear these to work, but even if I couldn’t, I’d wear them for travel. So comfy.

    • I like comfort, but part of me thinks that Pajama Jeans & Beta Brad = giving up. Do I need to rethink that?

      • Marshmallow :

        I don’t know what a pajama jean is (although I can imagine based on the name), but I agree on most of the Beta Brand stuff I’ve seen. A waistband isn’t going to kill you. You’re at work.

        • My husband has upmarket sans-a-belt type khakis. I only got stretch when I was pregnant.


      • Not that Anne, the other Anne :

        For my office and style, they’re fine, but certainly they’d be too casual for many situations. I sometimes have fairly active tasks an, so for me, wearing pants that allow me to bend, twist, lift, haul, comfortably are a higher priority.

    • JuniorMinion :

      I totally wear those charter club stretchy work pants all the time. No one has ever commented. In a business casual workplace but my female friend swears when they are on me you wouldn’t ever notice.

    • Mrs. Jones :

      One of my BFFs wears Pajama Jeans, and you wouldn’t know to look at them.

  14. From yesterday’s thread do partners really take community yoga classes? I was pretty disgruntled that someone with so much resources would take a limited spot intended for someone that might really need it and couldn’t otherwise just walk to another studio and pay the 20+ drop in fee. Am I crazy? Using low income resources when you aren’t low income really rubs me the wrong way. I know some of these resources in my city actually now check income because of these abuses.

    • I don’t know. In most of the community yoga classes I’ve been to, it’s not like they’re turning people away because there isn’t room. It’s not like if one affluent people attends that means someone else can’t. That hasn’t been my experience.

    • Sure why not? I could afford to pay for yoga but instead I take my town’s $5 a class rec class. It isn’t income restricted, I’m not defrauding anyone. Same with free yoga classes- where I live these aren’t a service for the poor they are a marketing device for the instructor.

      • Marshmallow :

        +1 to “these aren’t a service for the poor they are a marketing device for the instructor.” IME free or cheap yoga classes are not income-restricted. It’s essentially advertising for that instructor or studio.

        This topic is a little silly. Are wealthy people not supposed to shop at thrift stores or on sale racks? What if they take the last red shirt on sale and somebody else wants it?

        • Anonymous :

          I actually knew someone who thought it was unethical for non poor people to shop at thrift shops.

    • Personally I see no issue in this. I think its important that people of all socio economic class levels interact with each other. A community yoga class is a great place for that. Plus if someone makes a ton of money but uses a community yoga class and has a positive experience, they are more likely to donate a money to community activities.

      Food bank? yah thats a problem. But community ed classes? No I don’t see the issue. I mean where would you draw the line? Should someone who makes a ton of money not shop at thrift stores? That seems crazy to me. Should they not go to the REI annual garage sale because another family could use the discount on the tent more than they could? Should they not use the library? Because maybe someone who wants to read the book and can’t afford to buy it will have to wait for them to finish reading it.

      • In my city’s case free children’s swim classes were being abused and an income cap had to be established. These teachers don’t need ‘exposure’ they’re volunteering their time for a good cause.

    • Brunette Elle Woods :

      I didn’t have a chance to read yesterday’s post but if there is no income limit and there is a free spot, I don’t see anything wrong with going to a free community center for a yoga class.

    • What do you think your taxes pay for? Community recreational services is one of them!

    • Is it like using the park or public tennis courts? Or streets? Or water from the tap?

    • What you are suggesting is economic discrimination, and economic discrimination really disgruntles me.

    • That was my reply down-thread. I specifically said that I am NOT a partner. I am an associate at a mid-sized law firm in the suburb of a medium-sized city. I also said I’m (upper) middle class in a MCOL city, which I later clarified to mean that my HH income is under 6 figures for a family of 3, including a small child in daycare. (I know the definition of middle class is an imperfect science, but according to several of the top online calculators that pop up on Google, that means “upper middle class” in my area.

      I am going to a community yoga class tonight because I’ve been in pain, and several people in the morning thread suggested yoga to alleviate it. It’s at a private studio, and as far as I know, no tax dollars are directly involved. It’s a sliding scale class, where you can pay anywhere between $5 and $15 (the cost of a typical class at that studio if you buy a class pack). I have been to this yoga studio off and on for years and have bought plenty of class packs. I’ve also paid more than $5 for the community classes, but they don’t turn people away or check your income level or otherwise question how much you’re paying. The instructors are typically new instructors who are trying to build some regulars. I may even find room in my budget to buy a class pack next month as I rearrange things and plan for it, but I just don’t have it this month.

      But to weigh in, I don’t think it’s a probably for high-income people to use public goods like community recreation centers, public parks, and public libraries.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        I do not think that you need to justify yourself, SC.

        Even if you were making $1M per year, there is nothing wrong with availing yourself of the community centre – that is kind of the point of such a hub.

        • Thanks. And I agree that, absent a stated income limit, there is nothing wrong with anyone using public services. In fact, higher usage rates support arguments to keep things like community centers and public libraries open and available. Also, I don’t have any research to back this up, but I imagine that wealthy people who use community centers and libraries would be more likely to donate to them and/or to vote for tax increases that support them. (As anectdata, though, see the thread from a couple of weeks ago along the lines of, “Why should I care about something that doesn’t affect me?”)

          • “there is nothing wrong with anyone using public services. In fact, higher usage rates support arguments to keep things like community centers and public libraries open and available.”

            I’m on the board of my local library foundation. If we didn’t have people in higher income brackets using the libraries, we would lose funding for not meeting usage targets. If you enjoy and appreciate community services, please use them (where appropriate). Please, visit your local libraries, use your local parks, sign up for kids’ programs, etc. If these programs and services aren’t utilized, they’ll get defunded.

            Also, a friend of mine owns a yoga studio. Her drop-in “community” yoga classes are for everyone and she’s found that many people who can afford it pay a little extra, which helps subsidize more classes. In her case, “community” is more intended to draw people in from the community who may not necessarily try a class (or go to her studio). It’s not intended for low-income people. When she wants to do classes for low-income people, she works with local organizations who serve those populations and gives private, free classes.

    • I think most of them aren’t targeted towards low income people per se. There are definitely ones that are, but not in my city.

    • You misread yesterday’s thread ( I just went back to confirm). The person taking the yoga class was not a partner- she was someone making less than 100k supporting a family of three (husband has lost job) and mentioned some financial setbacks

      • Anonymous :

        Why was she comparing her salary to a law partner’s?

        • It was me. I wasn’t trying to compare my salary to a law partner’s. I was saying that, although my specific financial circumstances are different, I sympathized with OP’s (law partner’s) frustration that, as you earn more money, expenses increase, and it still doesn’t feel like you have “enough” disposable income to buy everything you want. OP was venting and received some harsh comments, so I was trying to chime in with, “Yeah, I don’t make as much as you, but I make more than I used to, and it can s*ck that it’s still a struggle.”

    • I’m a partner. I’ve made a conscious choice to send my children to public schools, to belong to the local city pool, to play tennis on a team out of a public tennis center, and yes, to attend free mommy and me yoga at the local library. Because I think that it’s bad for me and bad for my children to only interact with other wealthy people.

      My fellow partners generally send their kids to private school, belong to the country club, and do yoga at one of our very expensive local studios. It sounds like you think that since I can afford all of those things, I should join them behind the great paywall of 1% life, because my use of the public resources that I pay taxes for is unethical. I disagree.

      • Never too many shoes... :

        Good for you, anon. I am a great believer in public education and I think the best way to make public schools better is for educated, successful parents to enroll their children there.

      • Senior Attorney :

        Amen to this. I sent my kid to public school and we both took martial arts classes for years at the local rec center, where we were with kids and parents of quite modest means. I even taught at the rec center for a while. And lo and behold, he even enlisted in the military, which was unheard of in our peer group.

        It’s not only bad for me and him to only interact with only other wealthy people, it’s bad for society for wealthy people to only interact with each other. It’s part of what got us into our current divided-country mess.

        • Anonymous :

          ^ And here I thought I couldn’t have more of a girl-crush on Senior Attorney. Much respect.

    • In my city, we don’t have many offerings because the utilization was so low. So I would rather have a community center with a lot of class offerings because people are actually using them rather than what we have now, a smattering of classes, mostly during the workday and aimed toward pre-school aged children, because those are the classes that actually get enrollments.

  15. Gotta vent about roommate stuff, current dude’s giving me a headache this week . . .

    My roommate and I (late 20’s) on a September-August lease cycle, and my landlord called last week so see if we wanted to renew. I, as usual, was all for another year where I am, why move if there’s no reason? But I needed to check with my roommate to see what his plans were, but since he hadn’t talked about moving by now I was expecting a pretty quick “yeah, why not?”

    I texted him, since this was during the workday, but it took him nearly 24 hours to finally tell me he wasn’t sure. It’s May! You waited this long to think about your plans for the next cycle? Most people start figuring this out in February or maybe March if they’re thinking of moving, they don’t wait until the renewal process to think “hmmm, what do I wanna doooo?”

    Well, it’s been almost a week, and he’s finally decided he’s moving out in September. On the one hand, I’m annoyed that all this is happening now, I have to find a new roommate immediately so we can get the paperwork drawn up in time. Again, this is why you figure your stuff out early in the year, so you don’t leave your roommates in the lurch at the last minute.

    On the OTHER hand, this guy kinda stinks at being an adult. I’m not the neatest person myself, but I at least try to clean up after myself, deal with my dishes, keep the floors and surfaces clean, occasionally clear my clutter, keep the apartment stocked with paper products and other household necessities, call the landlord when things break, get the rent checks together, etc. and any time he does anything like take out the trash or unload the dishwasher, he acts like it’s so horrible and unfair that such a task has fallen on him. Yesterday he came in when some clean clothes going “ughh . . . I hate laundry” (like most people enjoy it?). And this whole last minute indecision just confirmed, for me, that he’s an overgrown man baby.

    I get that being an adult can be tough, at least for the first few years after moving out post-college, but lately it seems like he’s decided “adulting” isn’t for him, and he’s not even gonna try. So maybe it’s not the worst thing that he’s making room for someone who’s willing to at least *try* to be a responsible adult.

    • Nothing but sympathy here from a fellow 20something who just went through the renew/move out shuffle with her roommates – including a surprise 24hour “yup, i’m moving out!” –> “hey, maybe I won’t move out!” –> “just kidding!” turnaround. Glad to hear it also worked out in the end for you.

      • Well, it hasn’t really worked out. He’s made his decision, so I can proceed, but finding a roommate may not be easy. I won’t stress about it this week, but if by the end of the month I can’t find anyone, I may start getting anxious.

        • Fair enough, but it sounds like he was a bit of a dead weight on your lifestyle and you now have the opportunity to move forward.

          • Anomnibus :

            True, this could be an opportunity to bring in someone better. But sometimes the lazybones you know is better than the potential psycho from Craigslist.

    • Uhhhh what? It’s May. That’s plenty early to start thinking about a September lease. Why should he have to respond to you within 24 hours? On no planet is this last minute!

      • BabyAssociate :

        +1 to this. I dunno what kind of rental market OP is in, but that May for a September lease sounds super early.

        • Wildkitten :

          Yeah I think July is when you need to know so you can give one month notice.

          • I’ll stick up for the poster on this point. In every apartment I’ve ever lived in (Boston) we had to commit by the end of April at the latest for a renewal of a Sept-Aug lease. Within the city, that’s a pretty typical time frame and everyone and all their friends go through it, so if the roommate wasn’t new to the area, he should have known it was coming and been thinking about it.

            Poster: I’m choosing to look on the bright side for you. I think you will sign, there will be demand for the spot, you can meet people in advance, and you’ll get someone who is a great fit!

          • Well, he grew up around here and went to school in the city, but he lived on campus then. This is only his second lease cycle in a “real” apartment with a landlord and stuff, whereas it’s my 4th, so I guess I shouldn’t expect too much from him. Going forward, unless a roommate is experienced with renting, I should probably be the one to bring it up in advance.

            Or maybe not, since I’m no one’s mommy.

          • Oh please. If it’s this important to you to have bizarrely early notice, ask for it. Doesn’t make you anyone’s mommy.

      • It’s Boston, the rental market here is insane due to all the college students looking to live off-campus. Most people looking to move in September start looking in April. Granted, landlord usually calls in early-mid June, signed leases are usually due in early July, so I this is earlier than usual, but most people I know figure out they’re gonna move by March.

        When I got this place, my first roommate and I started looking in June. That’s not impossible, but you certainly can’t be picky by then. And when we went to sign the lease in July, the realtors were shaking their heads at last minute apartment seekers.

        • Yeah. And it’s May. So this is not omg too late what is wrong with him time.

        • In my college town, if you didn’t have your contract for the next academic year signed by Thanksgiving you were severely limited in options.

      • Not OP, but we get sent renewal information 3 months ahead. Especially if you’re in a roommate situation, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have at least thought about it a little bit. And if you’re on a September-starting lease near a college you may need/want to grab students now. FWIW I’m in NYC, pretty downmarket.

        • I’m going to at least try for someone I know, or a friend of a friend someone can vouch for, before I start scouting random people. I’ve heard so many horror stories.

      • Brunette Elle Woods :

        Yes, our have plenty of time. My brother generally needed one month to find an apartment. I also think it depends on the rental market in your particular area and what is standard. You two just have different styles of planning. There’s not “unadulterated” about what he’s doing. He only has to consider himself in these decisions.

    • is it possible to get a smaller place with no roommate? I can’t imagine having a roommate (especially someone I was not crazy about) in my late 20s. you deserve better!

      • Eh . . . maybe not on my budget. I probably won’t be moving into a one bedroom until I’m ready to move in with a significant other. Honestly, this whole situation would be so much easier if my guy and I were ready for that step.

    • Your definition of being an adult seems a lot like the definition of being organized. Some people (yes, adults) are not organized people.

      But to your point, your roommate could have been more considerate by giving you more notice.

      • Anomnibus :

        I guess to me, being an adult includes either being organized, or knowing you’re bad at being organized and working on it when you need to, and trying not to let your lack of organization skills impact others. Throwing up your hands and saying you’re bad at getting your stuff together, so someone else needs to take care of it for you, is only acceptable if you’re willing and able to pay someone to do it.

    • I think you should live alone.

      I think your roommates thoughtful consideration for 1 week was completely appropriate. Your disgust is disproportionate.

      You have a lot of time to look for another roommate.

      But I think it may time to spread your wings….

    • “It’s May! You waited this long to think about your plans for the next cycle? ”

      …..but so did you??? I don’t get it. Your roommate had to think about it. That’s more than fine. If you needed an immediate response or his timeliness wasn’t enough, why didn’t you bring it up before now without the gun to your heads from your landlord? I think you’re upset you didn’t’ get the answer you wanted.

  16. I run my own business in a field that I often work 8-10 in and then sort of chill or prep for the next day. Imagine being a trial lawyer whose trials tend to resolve the day of trial or a consultant who deals with a lot of skipped appointments and cancellations. The long story is I bill consistently and a good amount but have a lot of free time. In theory though I can’t make concrete plans in case work doesn’t fall through.

    I would like to do something useful with that time.

    I go to the gym, I take violin lessons, I read, I do mom errands or pick my kid up early from daycare, I do a ton of stuff normally an assistant would do just for the sake of doing something… what other ideas do people have for what I could do? I would like to learn more, live a healthier life, I would like to do interesting things.

    • Write a trashy novel on your iPhone (like 50 shades of gray, but readable)


    • LondonLeisureYear :

      Maybe set up a volunteer thing with a local political place (You could drop in to make calls!), or a school (make copies for teachers, or pull out a student to get extra reading practice) or a church/synagogue/mosque or a animal shelter where they know that you might have weird hours but they will leave a project out for you to help with.

      Adopt a senior that won’t care if you cancel but you could show up to pay cribbage or rake their yard.

      Take a duolingo language class!

      Scan all the pictures and make picture albums.

      Make a bucket list of summer activities or activities to do in your community to work through. Include: hikes, museums, sculptures, libraries. If you find yourself with a free day – look at the list and pick one off of it!

      Knit mittens for kids who don’t have them in the schools during winter and than can’t go out to play.

      Talk to a soup kitchen and see what food they need cooked. Make some on your days off.

      Take an online class! Anything that inspires you will have a class that you can take online. Stanford offers free ones.

      • I was going to say take up a new hobby. If it is baking (one of my personal favorites) you could make cakes for the soup kitchen, as LondonLeisureYear suggested. I know the guests at the one I run would love it.

    • Volunteer somewhere
      Listen to podcasts sometimes instead of reading
      Take up photography
      Join a book club or start one
      Take a class in person or online e.g. writing, art, or if it were me it would be something computing related
      Or just relax, honestly most people would envy you. Nothing wrong with just enjoying the free time

    • I feel like some of the posters missed that you don’t know in advance what your schedule will be so volunteering, book clubs, etc aren’t really viable.

      I’m following because I’ve had a similar thought recently– on moderately busy days, I finish work around 10 and have already worked out, so I have 30-60 minutes to myself after that at night. I usually end up watching tv/online shopping which feels wasted, but I rarely have the energy for something too challenging, like practicing a new instrument, that late in the day. (I already read a bit before bed). Knitting as mentioned might be a good idea– something where I’m learning a new skill and feel productive but can also do in front of tv or listening to a podcast.

    • Do an online coding bootcamp and learn to code!

  17. Can we talk vitamins? Do you take them? What do you take? I was taking a women’s one-a-day and extra vitamin D per my doctor’s rec. do you take other supplements? I hear about a lot of people taking biotin, but is that in addition to regular one a days? What about fish oil?

    • I don’t. Mostly because the supplement industry is unregulated and I have no faith that the ingredients listed are actually *in* the product. And there are no general recommended dosages – if you’re doctor is telling you take something, that’s a recommended dosage, but apart from that there tends not to be a lot of good studies on the value of supplements.

      • Brunette Elle Woods :

        I only take calcium and that’s only when I remember. Everything else is a marketing scheme.

    • vitamin D + multivitamin + omega 3. We don’t eat fish because of an allergy in my house. I just use drugstore stuff. I don’t think it’s a miracle cure but when it’s been a crazy week at work and lunch has been PB and crackers at my desk 3 days in a row, it makes me feel better to know I’m getting certain minimum levels.

    • Marshmallow :

      I take MegaFood women’s once a day and Ultimate Flora women’s 25 billion probiotic. I feel notably better since I switched last year from gummy vitamins. I used to take biotin and didn’t really see a difference in my hair and nails, so I stopped.

    • multivitamin + vitamin D supplement + probiotics I definitely notice a difference when I haven’t taken probiotics for a few days.

    • Meg March :

      my doctor did a blood test at my physical last year and suggested I start taking B and D vitamins at a certain amount. I then went back a few months later to see how well my body was actually absorbing the vitamins, and she cut down the B. I also take biotin–I mentioned that I wanted to start taking it for hair/nail reasons, and she told me how much I should take.

    • Fish oil – no evidence for benefit. Eat fish.

      I take Vitamin D because I was found on a blood test to be deficient and I take enough to get my value into a normal range (confirmed on blood test). You shouldn’t randomly take Vitamin D, especially at higher doses without checking in with your doc. There are downsides.

      I take calcium because I don’t drink as much milk/eat as much dairy these days to be sure I get my daily recommended allowance. I am in my 40’s and wish I had been more vigilant in my 20s/30s. I have some family members with osteoporosis and am a body type/genetic background where I am higher risk.

      I have borderline iron, always having heavy monthly periods and not eating much meat. I probably should be on low dose iron, but my doc is ok with where my numbers are. You shouldn’t take iron unless instructed by your doctor.

      And I admit…. I take a gummy multivitamin every day, more for the candy high than any data/evidence of benefit. It also makes me feel less bad about eating a haphazard diet, as many single women do….!

      Agree that vitamins/supplements are totally unregulated and potentially dangerous and you should not take anything without considering it carefully and telling your doctor. There is a lot of crap out there. I buy my vitamins from Costco with the recommendation of one doctor.

    • Multivitamin with calcium because I can’t tolerate dairy
      Probiotics because I can’t tolerate dairy
      Magnesium because it helps with my migraines

    • I’m late, but I do. I take a daily multivitamin. Then I also take fish oil (recommended by my eye doctor to help with dry eyes and by my trainer for water retention issues), vitamin D (recommended by my trainer and supported by my doctor), and vitamin C (because I feel like it helps me not get sick, even though I recognize the placebo effect I have going on here).

    • numbersmouse :

      Multivitamins + fish oil + probiotics. I eat very badly because of a combination of extreme food pickiness and IBS, so I feel like the multivitamin at least helps me keep a stable baseline of nutrients. My family has rampant cholesterol & heart disease, hence the fish oil. And the probiotics are for my IBS. I get my multivitamin and fish oil from NatureMade (they run clinical trials on their supplements) and the probiotics are Culturelle; both brands were recommended by my doctors and nurses.

    • anonymous :

      I take magnesium for bruxism, cramps, and blood sugar issues. An endocrinologist got me to take it in a time-release preparation, and said to carry on without further monitoring. I found this one life-changing.

      I take a B complex because I’m on a medication (metformin/Glucophage) that (PSA!) can cause severe B12 deficiency. This is more preventive for me, but I will say it’s an energy boost.

      I take D whenever I test deficient, and I take it with vitamin K because a doctor suggested this might prevent the calcium deposits other people in my family have gotten. I get this checked because I know it’s bad to overdo it, but I have never even made it out of the low range. Maybe if it ever gets into a normal range, I’ll notice the benefit!

      I have some curcumin that I keep around as an alternative to ibuprofen to help me not take ibuprofen as often. This may be a placebo, but I don’t mind placebos for pain relief! This the one thing I take not under doctor’s orders (though I always report). I checked if it was supposed to be lead-free, but my calculus was that it couldn’t be worse than ibuprofen.

      I make an effort to get everything else (probiotics, omega 3, calcium, vitamin C, iron, etc.) from food.

  18. It’s my birthday and I’ve decided buy myself a nice bag with some of my tax refund. I buy one like once every 5 years at most and Michael Kors is the nicest I’ve ever had. There is a rag & bone one online that I love but all of their bags total on the website only have a handful of reviews. Can anyone speak to the quality of their leather bags?

  19. There was an interesting topic raised in the last few days – re how to move from being a “badge collector” into settling into “regular life.” Meaning — there are lots of us here who followed a pretty set path from the top of our high school classes to college to med/law/b school. Then we landed in “training” jobs where you move up year to year — 1st yr analyst, 2nd yr etc; residencies etc. And then at some point those jobs end and you move on to whatever it is you trained to do.

    For me — and I’m sure for others — that’s been a tough adjustment. I feel like I’m constantly thinking — this is IT, this is what I worked hard for? Sure the training years were grueling, but there was a certain “intensity” and progression that regular life doesn’t have. In a way I am VERY thankful that I can take a weekend trip or lounge around and not constantly feel like I should be doing something work oriented; in another way — I was so used to working life around the job, that it’s weird for that not to be the case anymore. Anyone else go through this when you were starting out? What helped/didn’t help?

    • For me, nothing clicked and I had constant career angst until I realized that my self-worth had to be based on more than badges. It sounds hokey, but I had to learn that I was a worthy human JUST BECAUSE, not based on external markers, my work ethic, or even my hobbies. It was startling to realize in my early ’30s that I basically had very low self worth when you stripped away the achievements associated with work, school, and later, parenthood.

      I needed therapy and a heaping ton of reflection to get to that point. It also involved a bout of postpartum depression, which I don’t recommend.

      • +1 alllllllll of this. I never could figure out why I had low self esteem and was insecure despite my objectively high degree of achievement and talent. Turns out the missing ingredient is self-worth. Self-worth and self-esteem/achievement are not the same. Who knew?

        Once you get over the novelty of being able to relax on the weekends (which is great in certain ways), you’re left with the “what now?” feeling. I’m working on cultivating life/identity outside of work.

        I used to think I’d be totally fulfilled by working in a mission-driven field I was passionate about, doing cutting-edge policy work. I’m not doing anything like that. It’s ok, though. In school, striving toward that goal gave me a lot of things I valued- achievement, contributing to a cause I cared about, intellectual curiosity and engagement, being involved in a community of like-minded people, being highly respected, etc. etc. It’s easy in school, though, because the realities of work aren’t bogging you down (crappy bosses, no recognition, drudge work, needing a salary, realizing you’re *not* going to be this year’s Rising Star because someone else worked harder/was smarter, having no time for friends and family, having no autonomy over your schedule). So when school ends, that path to fulfillment that was clear is often blocked (or at least, covered in brambles). You have to figure out what you value and why, and how to identify it, and figure out other places to get those things outside of your career.

        • So if you don’t mind sharing – how did you figure this out? Or how are you figuring it out? Just looking for ideas.

          • Sure! Honestly, therapy was the first step. Before that, I was very set in my thought patterns and ways of being and NOT open to change, even though I had the nagging sense that things weren’t totally working for me. Reading a lot of Brene Brown. She focuses on shame and worthiness. Since I began to internalize her messages about shame and worthiness, I’ve dramatically cut down on all the self-flagellating, self-hate I’d engage in. It feels SO MUCH BETTER!!! Highly recommend her work. I started therapy at the same as I started what was supposed to be my dream job, that I’d worked for forever, where I wound up being abused by my boss. It became clear that I wasn’t going to succeed at this job, and that brought up a lot of issues to work though, and with it learning opportunities. So if I wasn’t going to succeed here, and I could never have my dream job, then what did this mean? How would I deal with failure? What did that mean about my self-worth? Without doing this work, where would I get my fulfillment? Could I be happy doing something that was fine, but I wasn’t passionate about? If so, how?

            I’m definitely still figuring it out, but that was the first big step. I learn new things in strange, random ways, all the time. It’s fun! It’s like being curious about yourself. The most important thing my therapist taught me is how to a) figure out what I’m feeling b) identify what my values and needs are c) identify which experiences provide or serve those values and needs, and which don’t, and d) learn how to look for other experiences that can serve those values and needs, beyond what I was used to- which was badge collecting, mostly. (If this sounds familiar, I wrote this on last week’s thread to the poster who hates talking about homemade salsa). Sometimes things click on like a lightbulb, and it’s amazing. But it’s always a work in progress.

        • assistant professor :

          100 percent agreed. I did not figure this out until I was in my 27-28 after defending my dissertation.

          Another book I recommend is the Road Less Travelled by Scott Peck. (He has 3 books I think, the 1st one is the best). He talked about self-love and self-esteem. The first is an unconditional love that we have for ourselves. You may not have it, but it is trainable. The latter is a conditional love, meaning we won’t love ourselves and think we are fundamental valuable unless we collect certain badges. This can backfire really bad when our work and life run into challenges.

    • Once at this stage, I started going back to my personal interests or hobbies. Pick up an old hobby or learn anew one that’s always intrigued you. Join a book club. Start working out, or work out more. Basically, find a way to challenge yourself and have interests outside of your professional life.

      Also keep in mind that you will still face work challenges as you move up in your career. It won’t be about collecting badges but will be growth, change, learning, etc. So all of that is not behind, it’s just that it comes in a differentform. On top of that, your life will get more complex – instead of making sure one ball doesn’t drop, you’ll be juggling 4 or 5 – so the new accomplishment may be keeping it all together. See above, Sally Yates discussion.

    • I am going through this now (although I’m still in the “training phase” you described) and got a good piece of advice that really resonated with me. My parents told me to “stop putting my life on hold.”

      I had spent so much time following the linear progression of my job/training and focusing solely on my job that I was too afraid to do anything that could interfere or take time away from work. But if my end goal is to take a job that allows me to enjoy my life – I need to build a life I can enjoy.

      So, I thought about what I wanted my life to look like in 5-10 years and decided to take steps towards that and stop making excuses. I want to play a social sport to meet people so I started taking tennis lessons 2x a month (at 11pm, which works with my work schedule). I want to enjoy weeknight family dinners but my husband and I don’t know how to cook, so we started waking up early in the AM 2x a month to cook a dinner we can take to our respective work places and reheat (since we both eat dinner at work). I wanted a dog so we adopted one.

      Early days in the “creating a life” project but it’s going ok so far.

      • Are you ever home to even see that dog?

        • Rude. If you don’t have anything meaningful or substantive to contribute, do everyone a favor and don’t post.

        • Super rude. Would the dog be better off if she had left him in the shelter? Especially if it was a kill shelter and he was on the clock? What a ridiculous critique.

          • Maybe rude, but it’s a totally legit question. I own a dog and in my city run into lots of other dogs whose owners rescued them but don’t have the proper time/energy/resources. It’s a problem.

    • switch to ‘badge collecting’ in your personal life. Train for a triathlon, learn a new language, take sommelier lessons or learn to play the flute etc.

      • I get what you’re saying. But for me, I have yet to find any hobby or lesson that provides the same sense of “achievement” that I felt going from and 2nd yr this to a 3rd yr that. And bc I know it won’t provide that sense of achievement, I’ll do some interesting activity half heartedly bc what does it really matter if I’m a good indoor rock climber or French speaker or whatever. I don’t know why exactly — maybe bc I’m not getting an A for doing the activity and there’s no real “purpose” to it beyond killing time?

        • This is me. I have other things I’m interested in and pursuing but it feels like they don’t really matter. Like it’s some little thing I’m doing to keep myself occupied but that ultimately doesn’t provide a lot of meaning.

        • Anonymous :

          What about places that do track your attendance and reward you accordingly? My barre studio lets you sign the wall when you hit 100, 250, 500, 750, 1000 classes and you get little rewards for each milestone (grippy socks, a towel, a tee) that say how many classes you’ve done.

          • Anonymous :

            I know friends who were D1 athletes who felt the same when they went off to work and stopped playing the sport since they had played since age 5. For all of them it’s been running (none were track athletes) — you can have goals for personal records; numbers of races run etc.

        • Anonymous :

          Good indoor rock climber isn’t a badge. Record holder for fastest female ascent of Eiger is a badge.

      • I think it’s ok to look for out of work badges, but I think OP should be wary of sticking with the badge mentality for all things. Expand beyond that. Experience the joy of doing an activity without your self-worth attached to it. Learn to feel satisfied just by showing up and trying something/having fun, rather than doing it really really well. Focus on the community, or the sense of play, or the mental freedom from thinking about work.

        I do an activity that, frankly, I’m a total beginner at when most people my age who do this activity are quite good. If I cared how well I did at it, it wouldn’t be as much fun. I’ll never be a solid competitor. But I don’t care, because it’s a tremendous amount of fun and its fun to watch myself improve. NGAF is freeing. (I’m the one who posted the lengthy comment in response to Anonymous at 12:34.)

  20. Wedding fashion help needed! I’m going to a wedding in Telluride during the first week in June. The ceremony is on a mountain and we’ve been instructed to dress for mid-50s or 60s temps and to wear comfortable walking shoes because we will be walking on a gravel path and then taking a short hike up the mountain. I’m stumped on what to wear. I will freeze in my usual wedding dresses and they’re not really practical for hiking (?!). I have a black maxi dress that could work, in terms of formality, but the risk of tripping over all the fabric is high. And I don’t even know where to start with footwear and outerwear. The reception is at a fancy restaurant. This wedding is already costing me a fortune to attend, which means I’m a little frosty about a tricky dress code. If I have to buy something, it needs to be versatile enough to wear again.

    • OMG this sounds like fun but all I can think is this is the perfect vignette for how ridiculous the whole wedding thing has become. I guess I’d probably go with maxi dress and booties — either some you already own or some you’d be willing to buy to wear again. You can’t be expected to have very formal shoes given the setting!

      • I think it will be fun, and I really need a better attitude about this. However, I completely agree that this is the epitome of over-the-top wedding plans. Particularly since my friend’s fiance is insisting on having sa unique wedding just for the sake of being unique and because he/they have the money to make it happen. My cousin, the bride, tends toward the very simple/practical side. I’m just hoping she hasn’t been steamrolled, honestly, because it’s pretty out of character.

    • In this case, I’d just wear pants and wedges. Asking wedding guests to join you on a hike _during the ceremony_ as opposed to the next day or something means you just have to expect people to dress down. If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t have planned such a ridiculous ceremony.

    • I would wear navy ankle pants, a fun summer top, a cardigan and a trench coat with rubber soled ballet flats for the ceremony. I’d probably bring back up shoes in case it’s muddy.

      I’d probably swap out the pants for a skirt for the reception and put on heels.

    • I would add tights to a dress you already have. Wear a coat and wear comfy shoes. You can take them off and change your shoes for the reception. I don’t think buying a long dress is necessary, unless you want one.

    • If this were me: I’d show up wearing leggings and an athletic top over a sports bra with a small backpack, and shove a packable dress (the one I have on right now comes to mind which is some kind of ponte blend, but whatever works here) that I could wear over a sports bra. I’d pull the top off and put the dress on over the leggings at the top. Depending on the weather, I’d then remove the leggings or wear them.

      You could also wear a dress and tights with boots? I think ponte or something is really going to be your best bet here.

    • I would absolutely wear pants in this situation. I can’t see a skirt or dress looking good with shoes that you can hike (!) in or being warm enough. Do you have any nice black pants that could be dressed up enough? I’d try to repurpose some work pants and fancy it up with a dressy top and jewelry.

    • I think that the Frye Deborah tall book is clearly called for here.

      Those, paired with a Juniper Creek type dress (for the sleeves) but hemmed at the knee, would be probably perfect.

      You’re welcome!

      • Agree. The first thing that came to mind is a dress (one with sleeves and/or with a cute jacket or sweater) with flat knee boots.

    • Anonymous :

      I would wear a long-sleeved wrap dress or sweater dress with leggings and flat knee boots, and dress it up with a nice necklace and earrings. Stuff one of those packable rain jackets into your purse; bring a scarf or shawl.

    • I hope I’m not too late– I would not count on temperatures in the mid-50s-60s during the day in Telluride in June. I’d expect temperatures to be around 80-90 during the day, and go down to the 30s or 40s at night. I really recommend against wearing anything with long sleeves that can’t be removed during the daytime in Telluride. Layering is your friend!

      Also, please remember to drink excessive amounts of water and wear sunscreen!

    • A friend of mine had a wedding like this a couple of years ago. I was there for the rehearsal so got a heads-up on the “short hike” and tried to warn everyone else, as much as I could. It was not a fun little stroll through a beautiful mountain glen. It was a *hike* up a rocky, unimproved trail – several hundred feet in elevation gain – and I was glad I had brought trail shoes. If your cousin’s fiance is like my friend – really fit, very accustomed to rough conditions and also pretty self-centered and not inclined to consider a the comfort of others – be prepared for anything.

      We had people show up to the wedding in cute dresses and heels and they couldn’t make it up the mountain for the ceremony. Some of the older folks had to be driven up in a truck, a very bumpy ride that was uncomfortable for them, especially the bride’s 98-year-old grandmother. Sprained ankles, cuts, scrapes, and poison oak abounded. Several people left the wedding early to treat injuries or heat exhaustion. The wedding spot was beautiful, most definitely. But the planning displayed some of the worst, most egregious selfishness and lack of consideration for others that I’ve ever seen.

      I would absolutely wear whatever you are comfortable hiking in, just in case. Tunic and leggings with boots would be my recommendation, along with a hoodie or sweater jacket. Make sure you wear sturdy footwear and keep your ankles/shins covered. Looking cute will be secondary to not getting injured, most likely.

      • This is exactly what I’m worried about. And guess who gets to escort her 68-year-old parents (who are beyond grumpy about this already) up the mountain? Seriously, people. I know it’s your day and all, but please be reasonable. Destination weddings are hard enough on your guests.

  21. Equity Partner -- $ issues :

    Some threads yesterday were about law partners and $.

    Here is a tidbit to think about. My firm doesn’t pay you all of your $ ratably throughout the year. A lot of comp is back-end loaded b/c we make most of our true profit at the end of the year but have expenses (like employee comp and rent) throughout the year.

    So we go very lean in 1Q for equity partners, a bit richer in 2Q and 3Q, and give you a big tax draw in 4Q and EOY. Even though people have fixed ratable expenses (including people who borrow for their capital contribution).

    If you are going to be an equity partner, you have to live like a really high on the hog third year associate to make the math work out and ride out the uneven cash flows (I come from farmers, so often they get $ once a year and often supplement with a job in town). It is crazy.

    One partner has said that the key was to marry only once, never move up in houses, never buy a vacation house, drive a paid-off car and to send you kids to public school. [Basically, the Millionaire Next Door lifestyle.] Everyone with expensive ex-wives, etc. often winds up so over extended that they are forced to firm-hop as income partners forever and then when their guarantee is up (and their promised never materialize) are forced to firm-hop again.

    • Or plan ahead? This is not actually that hard.

      • Yeah – I totally get not wanting to have lifestyle creep, but can’t a partner set up a system so that they are paying themselves in Year 2 off of the big draw at the end of Year 1? I imagine you could set up an autopay system (e.g., deposit lump Q4 payment into an online savings account and move a fraction of it to your checking account every month in the first quarter — or even throughout the first 3 quarters of the year (more in Q1, less in Q2-3)).
        I’ve done this to a lesser extent with my bonus/tax payments — essentially a portion of my 2015 bonus (paid in Dec. 2015) is put in savings for my 2016 anticipated tax payment (ultimately paid before January 15, 2017). That way, if I ever don’t get an end of year bonus (due to job change or who knows what), I don’t have to scramble for the tax payment the next year.

      • You’d be surprised. Or lawyers really are that bad at math (and this isn’t hard math, just basic personal finances).

        In some months, you could make less than 50% of what you took home as an associate / income partner. And then you have to save for taxes out of that. And unsubsidized health insurance is about 2.5K/month for family coverage (so many spouses work solely for health ins).

        You do generally make as much / more, but if you have bills in January, you can’t pay it with money you get in October. And if you have mortgage of 5K and tuition / daycare of 1K/kid (more in some markets) / car payments / any alimony, you can easily be quite in the red for the first quarter or two of each year.

        • Um, what? You use the big Q4 and end-of-year payments to pay the bills for the next several months. In other words, you pay the bills in January with the money you got the previous October. Simple.

          • +1

            don’t blow the October money and it works out fine

          • I think a lot of people can’t make it the first year (or worry they can’t). I know someone in CA who bought a house and deferred for a year or two b/c there were concerns about having depleted their cushion to get into the house. Then they had a baby and had daycare bills. Then another baby was on the way. It was always something.

            If you borrow for your capital contribution, it can be 2-3K/month also, if not higher.

          • Anonymous :

            But haven’t all these people been earning a gazillion dollars a year already so they should have some savings built up going into partnership?

          • Anonymous :

            You’d think so, but it’s the same 1Ls drowning under student loans who are then drowning under a mortgage and are then drowning with that and daycare and/or private school tution.

            Then they try to save up 150K so for quarterly tax payments and more expsensive healthcare and capital contribution / loan and they are just drowning with more commas.

            Doctors, I am told, often have the same thing: living [large] paycheck to [large] paycheck.

      • Exactly. There are plenty of professions where income is not regular for various reasons. The solution is to plan ahead, perhaps even with professional help. The anecdotes in this thread sound like people who made bad choices (buying a house they couldn’t actually afford, for example.)

    • “you have to live like a really high on the hog third year associate”

      So still a person making a ton of money? Not sure I see what’s crazy about this.

    • Don’t they till make a ton of money year round, even if it is paid unevenly?

      • Yes

        And 5-10 years in, people can manage. But for people who have fixed commitments in excess of $7K/month might find themselves pinched and relying on savings periodically. But too many people are just spending all they get and then some — country club, private schools, upgrade house, beach house.

        • Anonymous :

          Well yeah, but if they went and complained they were poor, it would be pretty ridiculous.

        • $7k wouldn’t cover my rent (2 bed), daycare (1 kid) and modest student loans – not sure where you live, but only $7k in fixed commitments sounds like a dream.

    • Anonymous :

      Yes to all. The transition to equity partner is a challenge. I’m not complaining about it, because I’m grateful to have these problems, but that doesn’t change the fact that 1) I have less money in the bank account now than I did when I was a senior associate, as a result of taxes, capital contributions, mandatory retirement and insurance policies, deferred distributions, etc.; and 2) it’s a challenge to work out the ebb and flow of the year; and 3) my pre-partnership years weren’t cheap, as I was paying off student loans, paying for daycare, trying to buy a house, and supporting a spouse in grad school and paying for his student loans too.

      I live in a tiny house (but extremely expensive; thanks, Bay Area!); send one kid to public school and have one kid in daycare; drive a 10 year old Prius. I love my life and am happy with my choices, but partnership definitely didn’t make me feel rich enough for lifestyle creep. I honestly can’t imagine how people do things like country club/private schools/house renovations/second house without going into enormous debt, especially in the first 5 or so years of partnership. Once again: NOT COMPLAINING and I know just how lucky I am. But it’s not quite Scrooge McDuck money.

  22. Advice for how to deal when you have personal life drama that’s making work difficult? My marriage has been going through the wringer. We’re doing well now and I firmly believe we’ll be better in the end for what we’ve gone through, but it’s been a process of massive unpacking — his depression/anxiety, my never having dealt with my parents’ divorce/dad’s abandonment (I sound like a ’90s self-help program) — and it’s exhausting. We also have twin toddlers, a giant dog, and an au pair (and having live-in help is great, but it increases the stress when you’re trying to keep your imploding marriage on the DL — a lot more putting on a happy face whenever you’re in the living room, kitchen, etc.). Between the emotional ups and downs (and I’m total [email protected] at emotions, which is one of the problems), juggling appointments for individual and couples therapy, plus typical two career couple with small kids in a high intensity East Coast city, I know some stuff is falling through the cracks. I dropped the ball on one thing at work and am scrambling to recover, plus have a bunch of other balls in the air that are at risk of dropping, too. Luckily I have my own office with a door that shuts for when I just cannot deal. But it seeps out. A very perceptive and kind Sr VP asked me in the elevator if everything was okay. I guess my resting face shows the strain when I’m not actively putting on “happy.” I honestly just don’t want to do my work right now. I want to watch movies, have important but challenging conversations with my husband, snuggle with him and hold on tight because holy sh!t I almost lost him, deal with my own issues, and spend any extra time playing with my kids and the dog in the back yard. How do I adult through all this?

    • Can you take some time off and do just that – watch movies, snuggle, play with kids and dog in the backyard?

    • Anon for Now :

      Its really hard. First, I would acknowledge that what you are going through is not easy. Going through the ups and downs of a significant other’s mental health challenges (ours included two in-patient stays last year for him) and then when the immediate crisis subsided, dealing with the fallout and repair was challenging too. Through it all, I had to be the adult at work, for our kids and our childcare. And having an au pair who watches everything makes the stress of “keeping it together” feel more acute and high stakes (because if s/he leaves, then that is a whole other mess).

      My suggestions are these: Take care of yourself in whatever ways you can. Now is the time to indulge in a nicer coffee, exercise however you can, and take breaks to walk outside. Find breaks (outside walk, in the shower, I do not recommend while driving) to let yourself fall apart a little bit. Let the emotions out when you can, whether that is crying, screaming or being really angry. It is great that you are in therapy. Keep at it.

      For work: Make a very detailed to do list. Not a list that is hopeful of all that you could get done, but a list that is just what must get done today. If you have to draft a letter to opposing counsel, make your list: Find name of opposing counsel; put name of counsel on letter; date the letter; address the letter; write first sentence. And then cross off every step you do. At the end of the day, think back to three things that got done. Those things need not be the highlights of life, but did you call the pediatrician? Great! You got that done. Celebrate. Three things. Just work on putting one foot in front of the other at work and at home.

    • Can you get coverage for the kids for the weekend and take a staycation at a hotel? Catch up on sleep and recharge with your husband. Schedule a house cleaner to come on Sunday when the kids are off somewhere with the babysitter so the place is sparkling clean when you get back to it and you can start off the week right. Order a bunch of healthy reheat meals so your food is taken care of for the week.

      • Anonymous :

        We actually just did this last week. It was great, but not really relaxing, not entirely, because we couldn’t help having Very Important Conversations. They were good conversations and really helpful, and I think we came out of the trip better than we went in, but I kind of now need time recover from that.

    • No advice, but I’m almost exactly where you are, including a recently-dropped ball at work I’m currently fixing, just older kids and minus an au pair. It’s so hard, and the career I worked so hard to get is suffering because my personal life has been insane for the past 6 months.

      I write lots of lists. For everything work-related. Every last thing. Crossing things off makes me feel more in control at work, and provides a sense of accomplishment. But I think it’s time for vacation for me, and probably for you too? A total escape to somewhere away from daily reminders of past stress, to focus only on the fact that things are better now.

      Hugs. Hang in there. It’s great that people care about you at work, so they will understand if you need to take time off.

    • Anonymous :

      I have lived through variations of this. My advice is to compartmentalize as much as possible. Go to work; do your work; allow yourself to focus on work; then go home early. I actually found work to be a bit of a blessing during some of these times, because it gave me something to focus on that is separate from the personal drama.

      Hang in there.

  23. So, I feel silly even typing this. I learned today that a co-worker (I’ll call her Sarah) does not like me, and has told several other co-workers about this. I work at a large law office and joined about a year and a half ago. Sarah has been here about four years. Although the office is large, our section has about a dozen people and we work very closely with each other. We also socialize together a lot, both at work (lunches together, coffee) and outside of work. I always thought we all got along very well. In fact, my co-workers have been a major source of my friendships and social activities since I’ve moved here.

    I feel betrayed and awkward knowing now that one of our group has been speaking negatively about me without my knowledge. I do not know the cause of her dislike. I feel silly because we are adults in our late 20s/early 30s and now I feel like I’m in middle school.

    How would you handle it? Lunch is coming up and I’m hesitating to go eat in our conference room with everyone like we normally do. It wouldn’t be weird if I didn’t join, but I also don’t want to avoid the group forever. Approaching her directly is something I’m not comfortable with, as I don’t want it to backfire and thus spawn more negative talk.

    • Shots. Shots. Shots. :

      Ahoy! I am so down for this. At work? You carry on as though you never heard of this.

      After work? If you do not join me for at least one evening of shots, telling this story to strangers, and screaming your rage drunk on a street corner, I will be disappointed.

    • I would do your best to not let this affect your work environment, which sounds very cordial. Honestly, in a group of a dozen people, I’d be surprised if everyone liked everyone else.

    • Go to lunch. Pretend you didn’t hear anything. This is biglaw — partners matter more than associates (though there are the tricky cases in small groups where certain associates have the partners’ ears). In any event though you don’t want the partners to think something is up or that you’re job searching just bc you’ve stopped coming to lunch.

    • I at least agree with Part 1 of Shots Shots Shots’ advice–at work, act like you never heard anything.

    • Senior Attorney :

      The person who told you about this didn’t do you any favors, in my view.

      Hold your head high, kill her with kindness, proceed as usual..

      • +1

        I have been trying the kill her with kindness route. She is very unsettled by it (!), which has become amusing for me to see, and then makes her seem like a wacko to say negative things about me.

    • Nope don’t approach at all. Keep being your best wonderful self and start thinking about who told you and why? A good friend would most likely not tell you to keep the coherence of the group.

      As for Sarah… just be cordial not overly friendly. I know you are hurt by this but this is a job with people you work/socialize with every day. You don’t know her motivations (jealousy, competition, etc). Either way, stay above the fray with this. Time to start expanding your network, connecting with your local chapter of your uni alum and focus learning and your mentor.

    • Anonymous :

      Similar thing happened to me. I found out that a former coworker who I’d liked and who had always been friendly to me (like, gone beyond pleasantries and had actual conversations with me about non-work stuff, had come to me for mentoring advice, etc) just… didn’t like me and had expressed it to several mutual work friends. I never suspected and felt really betrayed and upset by it, and dwelled on it for a solid week. It made me question who else was just tolerating me or faking, and it was a horrible feeling. I see her at social events occasionally and she acts the same as always. None of these would be appropriate setting for a confrontation, so cordial but not friendly is my go-to.

      Work is a lot more fun when you treat co-workers like friends, but cutting back on socializing to focus on professional development and networking could be a productive way to fume about this for a while. Sorry it happened to you, I know how much it sucks.

  24. I have a necklace with a flat monogram pendant that’s 18K gold plated. I’ve had it for several years and the plating is starting to wear off. Can I take it to any jewelry store and have it “re-plated”? How much does that cost? It was a custom piece from Etsy, otherwise I’d just bring it back to the jewelry store I purchased it from.

    • I think a jewelry store should be able to do this for you. I had gold earrings plated in platinum and it cost $200.

  25. My teenage daughter has decided she is mostly a vegetarian and I’m struggling to feed her. I need suggestions for quick protein laden mains I can make her (quickly) while making dinner for the rest of the family. Last night she had roasted veg for dinner, and I know that’s not enough for a growing teen and athlete.

    Also, where the heck do you find falafel in a regular grocery store? I could not find it at Safeway.

    • – try the frozen section for falafel.
      – what do you usually make for dinner? Give 4-5 typical dinners and that will make it easy to suggest vegetarian alternatives that are easy to incorporate.

      My SIL is vegetarian and we can usually accommodate that plus my kid’s dairy/egg free needs with minimal modification.

      • I usually make a meat main (chicken thighs, lean steak and baked salmon are common) along with roasted or grilled veggies and maybe potatoes. I don’t always have a starch.

        • Beans can be eaten straight out of the can. Drain them and warm them up in a pan on the stove with a little bit of oil and add whatever seasoning you used on the chicken or salmon. I do this with all kinds of beans: white beans, black beans, pinto beans, edamame, peas. Also eggs fry or scramble in like 2 minutes. Greens (spinach, kale, broccoli, brussels sprouts) also have more protein than most meat eaters think. I rarely eat meat and I get plenty of protein from yogurt, beans, eggs, cheese, and greens.

          If she doesn’t like those options or gets bored of them, I second LondonLeisureYear’s point that she may be old enough to start cooking for herself.

          • Senior Attorney :

            Trader Joe’s has some really good canned Cuban-seasoned black beans that are delish without any doctoring.

          • Senior Attorney :

            My son is a vegetarian and he likes a lot of the Trader Joe’s frozen food — burritos, taquitos, tamales, etc. plus a lot of the Indian entrees.

        • PS I’m OP, I dropped the extra n in Anon

        • Anonymous :

          I would consistently add a starch – farro and pasta are both easy to boil up in a small pot and have about 7 g of protein per serving – toss with vegetables that you are making for everyone else.

          You can microwave falafel or chop up a package of tofu and stirfry in a small frying pan. I know there’s lots of advice on getting her to cook and that might be great in the long term but in the short term, I would ask her to make a list of replacements that you can put on the fridge so it’s automatic – like when you have chicken thighs – she has baked halloum, and when you have salmon – she has falafel.

    • Wildkitten :

      Lentils! Morningstar frozen foods!

      • Thanks. I looked at the Morningstar options last night (searching in vain for frozen falafel) and I was a bit overwhelmed. Which do you like?

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      When my sister decided she was a vegetarian my mom decided my sister could cook her own meals if the family meal wasn’t cutting it. And it was her responsibility to find healthy choices so she could get enough nutrients to compete in the sports she was in. My sister is now a fantastic cook. Just throwing that out there.

      • I tried that. Daughter says, no, that’s ok, I will just eat the vegetables.

        Also, our kitchen really isn’t big enough for two people at once.

        • LondonLeisureYear :

          I would have her make the dinners then some of the nights for all of you! You are doing more work for her on other nights so she can help out.

        • Then let her just eat the vegetables.

          • I can’t let her just live on vegetables. She needs protein and fat too.

          • make her cook :

            Seconding this… if you’re adult enough to make a major lifestyle change, you’re adult enough to accommodate that change on your own. And honestly, I get that she’s an athlete and you feel responsible for her health (you’re a good mom!), but again, she has to learn to feed herself. I thought my parents were the WORST in high school when they forced me to learn to cook at least a few basic meals. But now I can feed myself healthy food. In our house, if you didn’t want to eat with the family, you could either make yourself a sandwich or cook your own dinner. We all eventually figured out how to eat with with the family. Agreeing with the poster below about her parents’ rules for balanced meals and seeing a nutritionist.

            But, to be a bit helpful: avocados and peanut butter are excellent sources of fat and protein. I’d cook a bulk batch of lentils and brown rice, and let her make bowls with various veggies and seasonings throughout the week. Eggs are also a great source of protein if she’s still eating those. Yogurt and cheese are also good if she’s not cutting out dairy.

          • She needs protein and fat too, but those don’t have to come from meat. Greens have a ton of protein. Oil is pure fat. She will be absolutely fine eating a plate piled high with roasted vegetables, honestly, she will.

          • Anonymous :

            OP: Yes you can. Also, buy her some avocados for healthy fat.

          • Greens don't have enough protein... :

            It’s not really true that greens have a ton of protein, especially for a growing athlete…

          • Vegetarian here! Veggies alone have more protein than you’d think. In the US, we tend to think we NEED so much protein, but broccoli alone has more than enough to meet our needs. Admittedly, I do think differently with respect to my children (meat eaters, and I still worry about their dietary intake!) For myself, I replace meat with cheese, peanut butter, beans, chickpeas, hummus, frozen trader joe’s veggie options.
            I would seriously consider asking a nutritionist. I did this when I realized my tiny 5th percentile 2 year old will never willingly eat a veggie, and just talking to someone about his diet and providing ideas really put my mind at ease.
            I also like to keep in mind I ate fries and ice cream every day for lunch in high school and somehow survived and am now a healthy adult.

        • I’m the Anon who did this in high school. My parents made me prove my meals were balanced (enough protein, fat, carbs) or else they were taking me to a nutritionist. NO tolerance for eating disorders or the appearance of them – esp because I had younger step-siblings who idolized my every move. Do not let her lazy her way around this. She either makes a balanced meal, sees a nutritionist and then implements those guidelines, or more serious discussions and events will happen. (Like possibly treatment for an eating disorder – vegetarian aka “I’ll just eat the vegetables” is a common excuse for teenagers and it’s worth taking it seriously.)

        • I went vegetarian in my teens and was responsible for cooking for myself if I wasn’t willing to eat the family meal (or components thereof). It will not kill her to eat only the vegetables; she’ll eventually want something more and she’ll figure out how to feed herself. I promise.

      • Anonymous :

        If there is a Whole Foods or other fancy grocery store that does cooking lessons, send her there for any vegetarian options.

        She should be learning to cook anyway. Otherwise, she’ll be like my old roommate who ate a lot of Fritos and Krispy Kremes and macaroni & orange powdered cheese b/c they were vegetarian. Might was well eat the d*mn bacon.

        • Anonymous :

          well, no, because no one died to make the orange powdered cheese.

          • Anonymous :

            I dunno – I think the workers in the processing plants would argue that it’s pretty hazardous to breathe in.

      • +1. I was vegetarian for about ten years, including high school, and my parents made me feed myself. Their attitude my entire life was “we’re making one meal. if you don’t like it, either make your own, or wait until breakfast.” So now I’m a decent cook (I wouldn’t say fantastic) and really good at making balanced meals out of whatever I find in the pantry or fridge. It’s a valuable life skill and I’m happy I learned it.

        (I’ve also adopted this philosophy for my two young kids. They’re too young to make their own meals, but they eat what we eat. No special meals unless we’re at a restaurant. My stress at dinnertime is almost nonexistent thanks to this.)

      • Yeah I mean, kindly, I’ll push back on the notion of taking it 100% upon yourself to make a special meal for a teenager. If you want to incorporate more meatless meals for the whole family then cool. But if she needs something different, she should be involved in making that happen – whether it’s meal planning, grocery shopping, meal prep, the actual cooking, or all of the above. It’s good practice for her to learn how to supplement her meals for when she’s eating out or in someone else’s home. I encourage you to look at this more as a teaching moment for her than as a problem you need to solve on your own.

        • +100. I went vegetarian in high school and my mom said, you can eat whatever we eat that meets your requirements. Otherwise, you know how to make peanut butter sandwiches. They didn’t eat a ton of meat so most of the time I could eat enough without eating the meat part (I still are eggs and milk). Other times, I ate peanut butter sandwiches. Later on, I actually learned how to cook because I got tired of peanut butter and so learned how to make omelettes, rice dishes, bean burritos, etc. Sometimes I would have to cook before or after my mom made the family meal, but that was no biggie.

          Your teenage daughter will be out on her own sooner rather than later and needs to learn how to feed herself anyway. No time like the present. Get her one of the Moosewood Kitchen cookbooks and have her start marking easy recipes she thinks she’d like. That’s a great way to get started.

    • Anonymous :

      This is obviously a 100% know-your-daughter observation, but keep an eye out for the possibility that an eating disorder is developing. I had friends in high school who claimed to be vegetarian merely to mask the fact that they were eating limited quantities of veggies/fruit every day and nothing else.

      • I was going to say this as well. The just-vegetables part is certainly not dispositive, but a small warning sign.

    • Anonymous :

      Does she eat fish? If so, I’d up the amount of fish and other seafood so you don’t have to prepare an additional meal. Fish can be really easy to prepare. Pasta with shrimp or canned tuna, nicoise salad, broiled salmon with mustard, brown sugar and olive oil on top, baked cod, and sauteed trout are all easy and delicious.

      Eggs are a great way to add protein if she’s just eating veggies and skipping the main. You can just boil a bunch (or have her boil a bunch) and pick them out of the fridge to eat as an alternative to meat.

      Tempeh is also great and easier to deal with (IMO) than tofu — literally just put it in a pan with some oil. They sell it near the salad stuff at my local supermarket.

      Maybe consider adding more legume-based meals to your rotation so that you don’t have to prepare her a special meal. Most of us eat too much meat, so this is probably not a bad plan regardless. (I say this as a steak lover.)

      • Anonymous :

        Also, I’d advocate she learn how to cook for herself + I’d talk to her doctor about making sure she is getting enough of the right nutrients. For example, I think there’s something about the protein in beans not being fully effective (or whatever the word is) unless you also have calcium, or something like that? Going vegetarian as a teenager is probably a bit more complicated from a nutritional perspective than as an adult.

      • Anonymous :

        vegetarians don’t eat fish.

      • I have seen the tempeh and didn’t know what to do with it. Cut it into strips and fry/sauté?

        • Anonymous :

          The kind I see comes in strips. But yeah, just saute it in some oil. I like the flavor on its own, but you could also jazz it up with some spices.

        • LondonLeisureYear :

          This sloppy joe recipe is great! Tempeh lasts forever and everything else is pantry staples: http://www.vegetariantimes.com/recipe/thai-sloppy-joes

          It makes a dinner in like 15 minutes.

    • Thanks all for suggestions. I agree she should learn to cook more dishes. She does cook a little, but if she were to cook for us she would make ramen or pasta. She loves her carbs.

      Which kind of answers the eating disorder question, I think – I texted her from the grocery store that I couldn’t find falafel and she asked me to buy her a Twix bar instead. If she has an eating disorder, she is very bad at it. (I really don’t think she does. You should see her go to town on a smoothie or a milkshake.)

      • Anonymous :

        I applaud your daughter’s decision. Let her eat veggies, and add beans, tofu (she needs to learn to cook it right) and dairy. She can also take some supplements and protein shakes. Greek or icelandic yogurt is great for vegetarians who need more protein.

        • Greek yogurt is high protein and delicious. You can eat it with fruit or add spices and use it as a sauce for veggies (e.g. on sweet potatoes). Bean tacos are quick (assuming you use canned beans) and easy. Bean salads, grain salads, etc., can be prepped ahead of time and are easy to pull together. Quinoa is high protein and very flexible and cooks quickly.

          I like the NYT website for recipes and they have tons of vegetarian recipes if you’re interested in making them for your family (usually easy to add meat separately for anyone who wants it).

        • Second the bean tacos. I’m not a vegetarian but I sometimes prefer to eat less meat than my DH. An easy meal that works for both of us is tacos. Chicken thighs sauteed and chopped up for him (cheap and cook quickly), and canned black beans heated up on the stove for 5 minutes with cumin for me. Then we DIY tacos with cheese/salsa/avocado/greens etc… and eat together.

        • Avocado also adds healthy fats and is satisfying.

      • Anonymous :

        Why does she want to be a vegetarian? Are her reasons ethical, environmental, health-related, trend-following, or just pickiness? Because you said “mostly vegetarian” in your original post, you may have some wiggle room here. For example, if her concerns are ethical or environmental, maybe she would be amenable to doing some research on farming practices and helping you shop for more responsibly sourced ingredients, along with reducing the family’s consumption of meat by cooking meatless Monday dinners for the whole family. If she absolutely won’t incorporate any meat/poultry/fish into her diet, she can shop for frozen vegetarian entrees or cook vegetarian chili, black bean burgers, etc. on the weekend to heat up during the week.

        I would also keep an eye on what she’s eating for lunch. In high school I was a picky eater who was left to her own devices for lunch, and I often ended up just eating small amounts of junk food, which didn’t fuel me adequately for school and sports. You don’t want her buying a side salad and a cookie from the school cafeteria and calling it lunch.

        • Her decision is mostly ethical but she has also never liked steak and lamb and other red meat other than burgers and maybe chili con carne.

          We are a pasture raised beef, organic free range chicken, line caught fish family already, so it doesn’t seem like she’s going to get on board just for those reasons.

          • Anonymous :

            you might raise the idea of being pescetarian with her. Many vegetarians in Europe eat fish and are actually pesecatarian.

      • Plenty of people with eating disorders eat Twix bars, smoothies and milkshakes. I’m not saying your daughter does or does not have food issues, but you should be careful with your language just in case.

        • Just to elaborate: I had an eating disorder for many years, and I would have been devastated to hear my mom say what you wrote (“She loves her carbs. … If she has an eating disorder, she is very bad at it. … You should see her go to town on a smoothie or a milkshake.”).

          As some previous commenters suggested, I’d take her to a nutritionist.

        • Follow-up in moderation. I had an eating disorder for many years, and would have been really upset for my mother to say some of the things you said in your post (“She loves her carbs. … If she has an eating disorder, she is very bad at it. … You should see her go to town on a smoothie or a milkshake.”).

        • Anonymous :

          +1 I was a mostly vegetarian bulimic in high school. I ate lots of carbs, candy, etc.

          • Anonymous :

            Not trying to be rude – by why would anyone do this? Was it a weight thing? It makes no sense.

          • Anonymous at 2:41: Are you seriously asking why someone would have an eating disorder? What is your question?

          • Anonymous :

            Question is – why would someone handle it that way? I thought the point was to restrict calories – why go with carbs and candy then – is it just to show people that you eat?

          • Anonymous :

            Anon at 2:52 p.m. – do you know how bulimia works?

          • Anonymous :

            Ok fine don’t answer. I was asking a question to see if someone would answer – not trying to trade quips.

          • You can’t possibly believe the answer is so simple that it could be answered in a single forum post. If you are truly interested, do some research.

      • Anonymous :

        I agree with you to not just let her eat vegetables. I did things like that in my late 20s-30s — not bc I was vegetarian but bc I didn’t like being an adult so I’d just eat whatever was around and claim to not be hungry; it’s not a good road and you’re right to not allow it under your roof.

        You don’t need to make this “interesting” for her; you just need to make sure she’s getting enough calories and some nutrients in. So if your side for the day is roasted veggies, boil some pasta, throw hers in their and put some cheese on it. If your side is potatoes, scramble up 2-3 eggs and she gets eggs and potatoes. She may get tired of these 2 things over and over but she’ll be get some nutrition. To break the monotony, you can keep some veggie burgers or frozen TJs meals in the freezer. For things like lentils, bean tacos etc. — I wouldn’t go out of my way that much; she can do that herself if she wants or just live on a rotation of 4 meals (pasta; eggs; veggie burger; some frozen TJ meal).

      • I know a lot of people are saying she should feed herself but I am a vegetarian and didn’t learn to cook until I was living alone in my 20s so there’s that.
        1) Always have a carb or a main for her. This could mean you make steamed rice once and it stays in the fridge for a couple days, or you buy Pita bread or lavash bread or Naan which stays in the fridge.
        2) Second, always have a protein. You don’t need to cook this everyday, she can help etc. but it’s a worthy cause and it’s ok to indulge your kid a bit on this. You can do garbanzo beans or red lentils or stir fried tofu or a boiled or scrambled egg with cheese if she will eat egg. Each one of these is very little work and boiled eggs are hassle free.
        3) Veggies are the third item and the side.

    • Anonymous :

      Honestly, she’s old enough to figure out how to feed herself. It’s part of the whole becoming a vegetarian thing as a teenager- I speak from experience. :) I would really not worry about her getting enough protein. Unless she’s subsisting on sugar, she’s fine. I think you can buy a stash of veggie burgers to leave in the freezer and let her come up with recipes and things to make.

      • I am a vegetarian but my husband eats meet. For our meals, we make substantial side dishes that I can add to for making them into a full meal. I make quinoa salads (avocados, bell peppers, tofu, corn) that are great on a bed of regular mixed greens, brown rice (with veggies, beans or tofu mixed in) and lots of lentils. We will also do tacos time to time, he adds meet to his while I make sofaritas (rip-off of Chipotle tofu).

    • I think you should make sure she understands what a vegetarian diet entails. The standard american diet has meat at the center or base of every meal. If she just gets rid of that and eats the remaining one or two servings of veggies she will be famished. One thing I recommend is making sure she does her research. She should start with getting herself well acquainted with the vegetarian food pyramid. There are a few out there but heres one I find helpful: http://www.vegetariannutrition.org/food-pyramid.pdf

      If she eats a balanced diet like this she wont be missing any nutrients or vitamins – she should still get her bloodwork done sometime soon to make sure she isnt lacking in anything. Also some vegetarian food blogs like Oh She Glows, Green Kitchen Stories, and Minimalist Baker have cheap, quick, and balanced recipe ideas.

      Trader Joes has great falafel and non meat options! Also check your frozen and international food section of your grocery store for ideas. As a mostly veg person I dont really care for meat substitutes – they are super processed, usually dont taste good imo, and expensive.

      • Definitely agree on vegetarian diet being very different from meat-centered traditional American diet. But most countries use meat more sparingly so if you’re interested in exploring recipes from other countries, you’ll find lots of main dishes that use little or no meat. My parents gradually transitioned from a meat and three diet to a mostly vegan one (mom can’t eat dairy). This took a while, but they eat a wider variety of foods now (meat plus starch plus microwaved veggie plus salad is pretty bland) and my mom thinks dinner prep is easier because they have more one-dish meals (like quinoa casserole or bean taco salad).

        Mark Bittman has a cookbook that focuses on less meat. I can’t recall the name, but he uses easily available ingredients. It might be a good compromise option if you don’t want to make separate meals for her, but other people insist on meat with dinner.

      • Thank you for the pyramid. I sent it to her.

    • Anonymous :

      If you live near a Whole Foods or in a HCOL market, you may be able to find Quorn products, which I much preferred to Morningstar as a kid (and still do!) They are also soy-free in case that’s a concern.

    • So this was me at 13 I declared myself vegetarian, I learned to cook pretty fast. Make sure you buy a can of every type of beans the grocery store has then let her have at it. Whether its lentil soup or black bean burritos or chick pea curry or kidney bean chili. Almost anything can be made cheaply and healthily with beans. Now my cooking skills far surpass my mothers.

    • Macademia :

      When I became a vegetarian in college my mother bought me a copy of The New Laurel’s Kitchen. I hardly ever cook from it anymore but found the dietary advice really helpful. I still remember the point about eating one “super vegetable” (broccoli, kale, spinach, etc.) each day.

      Martha Stewart’s “Meatless” cookbook has some nice, fast recipes. I make the kale slaw a couple times a month, and the quinoa burgers were delicious.

    • I would just substitute a different protein, that she can easily “prepare” herself. And then she eats the rest of what you guys eat.

      A hunk of cheese
      Yogurt or a big glass of non-fat milk
      eggs – hard boiled (keep a bowl full in the fridge that she makes), and she can scramble a couple eggs quickly
      Pre-marinated tofu from trader joe’s that she can throw in the microwave/oven for a few minutes
      Canned lentil soups.

      And then occasionally you make a vegetarian friendly meal. Chili with beans. Lentils based.

      Trader Joe’s is your friend here.

      And I would not let her just eat vegetables. You are setting her up for longer standing poor eating habits. Balanced meals.

      And I would get her on a multivitamin or B12 if she is leaning towards the vegan side. Also, let her primary care doctor know at her next appointment.

    • Funny — I have the opposite problem. I’ve been vegetarian since high school and my husband and teenage daughter don’t eat meat either. My teenage son eats meat and is growing like crazy, and I need to have food for him all the time but I have never cooked meat and don’t want to deal with raw meat. For now, he’s learning how to cook, and my mother/husband cook for him, or I buy pre-made things in the deli. It’s hard to feed teenagers, but I think my vegetarian kid is easier — grilled veggies & a microwaved veggie burger & we’re good.

    • I declared myself a vegetarian at age 9 and stayed that way until I started eating seafood at age 20. (I shudder to think what that was like for my parents!)

      Everyone’s suggestions have been good – grated cheese on top of the family’s roasted veggies or on top of some warmed beans was a really fast way to make the meal much more appealing and add protein.

      Quinoa also has a fair amount of protein, so we started having that as a side more often than pasta/rice.

      I also was not a breakfast person and had to leave at 6am for middle and high school, and my mom implemented a mandatory protein smoothie (protein powder + yoghurt + fruit) for school days, which I think was pretty effective even though I complained about it constantly.

      Something else to keep in mind is her iron levels -ask to have this checked yearly at her regular checkups. I was not quite anemic, but on the low-end and it was a good thing the dr caught it.

      For tasty tofu-based recipes, check out minimalist baker – there are lots of quick recipes and one for crispy baked tofu. Once you or your daughter get familiar with making crispy tofu in he oven, it’s easy to do a curry or stir fry main over quinoa, and add chicken as a topping for the rest of the family and tofu for your daughter. My family very frequently did basic meal + different protein topping and it worked well.

      Finally, I think the comments about disordered eating are good to keep in mind, but I also want to provide some reassurance from my experience – I was a pretty healthy and happy teen, and the vegetarianism really was just a preference thing (always disliked taste of meat, cared about treatment of animals).

    • Anonymoose :

      -Canned lentils – stick them on top of anything. Add cheese/some kind of sauce (salsa, salad dressing she likes, etc) if flavor is an issue. Beans are good in theory, but lentils are smaller and flavor is less overwhelming.

      -Veggie burger – experiment until you can find one she likes, and serve it plain, as a burger, or crumbled. The Beyond Meat brand is doing some impressive things with faux meat. (They also have a faux ground beef that is amazing, pricey, but worth it)


      -Pre-cooked tofu/tempeh (in grocery store)

      You can also supplement with canned soups, PB sandwiches, etc if needed.

  26. In addition to some of the suggestions above (Morningstar Farms, beans, tofu/tempeh), you might try nutritional yeast. It can be easily sprinkled atop roasted veggies, baked potato, etc. to add extra protein (plus it is a good source of B12, folic acid, selenium, and zinc).

    • Sorry – this was supposed to be in response to the thread started by Anon at 12:34. Didn’t mean to start a new thread!

      • Thanks. Can you find nutritional yeast at a regular supermarket?

        • You should be able to. I’ve often found it in the bulk bins. Bragg and Bob’s Red Mill (along with many other brands) both make some that are in pre-sealed packages. If all else fails, you can order it on Amazon.

        • Anonymous :

          Yes. Find it in the Organic section if you have one.

  27. I biked to work today for the first time! It’s a decently short and easy commute on surface streets with a bike lane most of the way, and I’ve done multiple triathlons, so I wasn’t worried about the exercise part of it — but I’ve been putting off biking to work because I’m terrified of the rush hour traffic on the surface street I take to work. I finally said “no more nonsense” last night and tried it today. Not getting hit by a car this morning feels like my main achievement of the day!

    Anyone who typically bikes to work, do you have any tips and tricks to share that you’ve picked up over time? Any tips surrounding what to wear to be most visible, how to handle the parts where the bike lane disappears (like leading up to a right-lane-must-turn-right freeway on-ramp), and how to be efficient with changing/showering at work would be much appreciated. Thanks!

    • Sloan Sabbith :

      I’d consider not being hit by a car a celebrate-able accomplishment! No advice, but good for you!

    • Anonymous :

      Good job! I’m too much of a scaredy-cat. I bet there are blogs all about this kind of thing. Bikers can get pretty obsessive about it (I say with love for all the obsessive bikers in my life).

      • Senior Attorney :

        Heh just don’t call them bikers! Apparently “bikers” are people who ride motorcycles. People who ride bicycles are “cyclists.” #obsessivecyclists

    • LondonLeisureYear :

      do a search in the archives because I remember someone was starting to think about commuting to work and wanted to know how to make it safe and lots of people wrote comments.

      I commuted on a bike for 5 years and I loved this vest: http://dargelos.bigcartel.com/product/lightning-vest

      Cars stopped at intersections and thanked me for wearing it because they could see me so well. I also of course had lights.

      I always biked in bike clothes to work and carried them in a water proof stuff sack from REI. I switched clothes at work but didn’t need to shower unless it was a hot summer day on the way home. I pack all my stuff the night before and if you have a place to shove extras at work I suggest having an extra nude bra/underwear/tights because you always are going to forget it someday, and a sports bra all day is not a great look. I found it important to wear bike clothes because even though my commute wasn’t long enough to get real sweaty- the knees and butt area in my pants would have worn out really fast if I wore them to bike. Lastly make sure you get your biked serviced often and keep your tires full of air – it will make your commute so much nicer!

    • Stay off the white line… be in the lane far enough that a motorist must make a conscious decision to go into the other lane in order to pass you. You are at so much more risk of getting hit if a motorist thinks they can “squeeze by”. You’re also much more visible. If you don’t own a good blinky light, that’s $30 well spent. Your local bike shop will have a good selection. LED lights have come a long way in brightness and price point and everyone should have one if they do any low-light riding.

      • Senior Attorney :

        +1 on the blinky light. It really increases your visibility. My husband uses his at all times.

    • Yay! I love biking as part of my commute. In the summer, it feels safer to me because its light outside. I just wear my regular clothes. In the winter, I actually wear a reflective vest to make myself more visible after dark. If your bike doesn’t have lights, you could consider adding those as well.

      When I ride on busy streets, I always try to ensure that the cars around me KNOW what I am going to do – I use hand signals, make eye contact with drivers whenever possible, etc. I’m also especially careful in right turn lanes. You can buy side mirrors for your bike, which can help. Intersections are statistically where most accidents occur, so I use an excess of caution.

      I do a lot of my riding on streets with parked cars, and honestly getting doored scares me a lot more than getting hit by a car. I try to ride as far as possible from the parked cars (within reason) and generally ride slower than I would otherwise to minimize any potential impact.

      And last but not least, obviously wear a helmet!

      For getting ready at work, I would suggest rolling your work clothes and putting them into a backpack. Keep your work shoes at work if possible. Buy a travel steamer and use it as needed. I do my makeup/hair at home, and then just cleanse my body at work to expedite things. Plus then I don’t run into coworkers with AM hair and no makeup :)

    • Minnie Beebe :

      For visibility, I think using a blinking light front and rear, even in daytime, is helpful. For cute hi-vis and reflective wear, I’d recommend checking out Vespertine! They make some stylish and feminine items specifically for cycling, even reflective earrings, scarves and belts! I have one of the reflective blossom pins– it can be clipped or pinned to nearly anything, it’s highly reflective, and it’s adorable. The stuff is not cheap, but the women who run the company are super cool, and most (if not all) of it is made in NYC.

    • Thanks for the advice, everyone! I do wear a helmet (of course) and I have blinky LEDs on the front and back of the bike, but I will also look into reflective vests as advised!

    • Anonymous :

      I am so jealous! I live on a narrow country road that’s 6-7 miles from town but there’s a sawmill up the road and so while there’s little commuter traffic, there is a log truck every 5-10 minutes and I would pretty much be assuring my own death in order to bike to work – but I’ve missed it for years ever since I lived in town where I could for two years.

  28. One more thing- if you live someplace that gets oppressively hot, a hydration pack bladder, filled and placed in the freezer the night before can make a hot ride/commute that much more bearable.

  29. This blazer is cute! but i prefer the fit and make of canadian desinged and made Pink Tartan clothing! The blazers are super versatile, and just bought this one for summer love it https://pinktartan.ca/collections/jackets-blazers/products/p010209586-pre

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