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Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anonymous
I’m going on a last-minute girl’s weekend to NYC this weekend, and we have nothing planned for Saturday day/afternoon (we have dinner locked down, but nothing really after that either). If you could just bounce around NYC, what would you do on a Saturday?
Senior Attorney
Well I’d go to a matinee of Come From Away.
A boat tour of New York Harbor is always fun, if a little corny. Or walk the High Line. Or, you know, SHOPPING. Or any of the million museums — I’m partial to MOMA or the Lower East Side Tenement Museum. (Lunch at An Choi down the block, or Katz’s Deli nearby.)
Jo March
+1 Loved Come from Away!
Anon
Yes, I would go to a matinee and Come From Away is great. Alternatively, high tea at a nice hotel but I realize that’s not an experience that’s especially unique to New York.
Anonymous
I don’t “get” the High Line. What do we like about it?
Anon
I don’t get it either. It’s…fine? It doesn’t seem worth going out of your way to, if there are other parks that are closer. My in-laws live on the UES and always want us to schlep all the way down there and it’s like, no why can’t we just go to Central Park, which is closer and just as nice?
Anonymous
I hate Central Park but love the aesthetics of the High Line.
Senior Attorney
I really like to look at all the fancy apartment buildings, and there are fun shops and restaurants at the end. And there’s some fun art and landscaping along the way. YMMV, of course.
Ellen
I agree. Go on the Staten Island Ferry (it’s free), then get off and walk around downtown STaten Island. There’s a good Italian place there that has great Calzone’s, and when you get back, if you don’t like Italian, you can go to the WTC and see the 9/11 museum (so sad) or go uptown to a Deli–I think Katz’s is to busy — go to Second Avenue Deli (there are two locations). It is great! Have fun!
Anonymous
Is Come From Away appropriate for kids (mature 7 year old boy)?
Anon
It probably depends on the kid, but I think 7 is awfully young. I would say 10-12 is probably a more appropriate age range. It’s generally a sweet, uplifting show but it deals with some pretty mature themes about 9/11 and the aftermath. I wouldn’t even consider if your kid doesn’t already have some awareness of 9/11 and what happened that day. Also I think there is an F bomb or two? That said, I think I’m a bit of a weird mom in that I don’t really care about language or s3x – I’m much more concerned with scary things that might give my kid nightmares, so the language alone wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me.
Senior Attorney
And if he’s sensitive and/or an animal lover there is a subplot about a veterinarian that might be upsetting.
anon
Just noting that MoMA is closed until October.
Anonymous
Go shopping at fancy people stores! No temptation to buy and it’s fun. Tiffany’s, Barneys, Bergdorfs, Saks, other jewelry stores on 5th ave near central park south…
Suburban
Walk the Brooklyn bridge from city hall and hang out in dumbo/bk bridge park. The views will be amazing.
Outfit SOS
I’m hitting the ultimate outfit challenge and could use any advice. Tomorrow my office (creative field where folks typically wear anything from suiting dresses to jeans with blazers) is closing early for team building. Task is volunteering to clean up garbage in our major city. After the activity, drinks at a very nice bar. I’m totally stumped on what to wear. Anything I would wear for beginning and end of day don’t seem appropriate for garbage cleaning. But anything garbage-friendly isn’t what I’d want to wear in my office (I’m leadership level) or at a downtown bar. Weather is expected to be mid 60s.
Anon
I would wear a tank top under a sweatshirt, then put on a nice top over the tank top for the bar. Nice jeans, sneakers for garbage clean up, heels for the bar.
Vicky Austin
+1. Probably the nicest jeans you own that can still get dirty, which is admittedly a fine line.
Alternatively, suggest a more casual bar. No shade to your workplace, but this sounds very confusing, and personally I would not want to do garbage cleanup and fancy bar on the same day.
Anon
Honestly just take a change of clothes. You’re going to be picking up garbage. Do you want the potential stink and contaminants on your clothes to follow you to a bar? A simple change into nice blouse and jeans is fine. For the cleanup wear loose jeans or khakis and a light long sleeve (or short sleeve depending on weather tolerance) shirt – this is a perfect time to wear one of those free branded shirts you receive for doing 5ks and the like.
Anonymous
What? Why would they do that to you? Horrible for outfit purposes. I’d go for black skinny jeans or opaque leggings, a loose black t-shirt, and then upgrade to a nice cardigan or jacket + earrings or necklace at the bar.
Anonymous
Honestly, I’d say you can wear whatever you want, because the event planners blew it. You don’t consecutive work events where the attire is so different. Literally, going from garbage clean-up to high-end drinks? It’s comical.
Anon
My office (large financial services-type place) also had a outdoor volunteer activity in the park for several hours and then we did drinks after. Everyone, including senior leadership, wore jeans or leggings with sneakers. Caveat that our drinks was not at a “very nice bar” but it was not a dive bar, more of a cute cafe vibe.
Are you going straight to the bar after cleaning? I wouldn’t fret too much about what to wear in that case.
Skipper
I mean, this is an impossible task for one outfit to accomplish. Perhaps make your foundation a pair of dark jeans. Wear a nice top, blazer, and heels in the morning, a tee shirt and sneakers in the afternoon, and the same heels and top that evening.
Anon
Can you at leadership level try to clarify expectations for what I’m sure is a problem for EVERYONE?
OP
Email was just sent out from the organizer saying she’s wearing sneakers and a tee. But I know the bar/restaurant (sort of fancy) and that would look grossly out of place and organizer is also someone that barely abides by dress code on normal days. I don’t see most of these folks wearing tees. Golf shirts most likely. It’s almost like two entirely different people planned this thing.
OP
Thank you all for the ideas. And just as much for the commiseration. I, too, think this is a weirdo schedule and is going to result in some folks at the very least looking grossly out of place or at worst feeling physically uncomfortable. Just a hot mess of an itinerary. I’m leaning toward black jeans, oxford- like sneakers and likely two different tops and a blazer or moto jacket for early/later. Ugh.
Ironically, this event is resulting in a lot of bonding this afternoon–mainly in the form of a bunch of us bitching about what to wear. Go team…?
Anonymous
I would dress around the garbage pick-up aspect of the day and not change unless you smell or are very dirty. Take a change of clothes but don’t plan on using it unless everyone else has changed. When I’ve had stuff like this (albeit less extreme), no one changes. We come to work casual (unless there is a client meeting for someone), and then go about the schedule. Outfit changes (that again aren’t because of morning client meetings) will just make you appear high maintenance. At the bar, you’ll be in a big group that is inappropriately dressed, so you won’t individually stick out. People at the bar will get it. And you’re not trying to impress anyone at the bar (and if you run into a client or someone, you can strike up a conversation and explain). Rather, you’re trying to impress your co-workers (or no one). Trust me, no one is making a detour to change. My one exception might be shoes. I’d take old sneakers for garbage pick-up that I might not wear to the office/bar.
Katy
+1 – Take a change of clothes but don’t plan on using it unless everyone else has changed.
Raincoat
I lost my beloved Helly Hansen rain coat and am looking for a replacement rain coat (I don’t like the offerings at Helly Hansen currently). My ideal would be a trench with a belt, that is fitted, in a bright or jewel toned color. No black or khaki. I don’t want anything sporty or too casual.
Do you have a raincoat that you love? Please share.
AZCPA
Depending on how old the HH you loved was, look at Amazon – I bought a discontinued style last year for about half price, and am in love.
anne-on
I’d totally go for the fun leopard one at Boden:
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/suki-waterproof-coat-soft-truffle-animal/sty-t0274-pnt?cat=C1_S2_G2
Otherwise this totally seems like a black hole in the market. Rain jackets that are waterproof, somewhat fitted, and not in totally dour colors. Good luck!
Mortgages
What’s the hive think about adjustable rate mortgages? DH thinks that it makes sense for us and that we just have to be sure to re-finance sometime between years 3-5 (on a 7 yr ARM), but I wonder whether rates will be as low as they are now when we refinance 3-5 yrs from now. We are looking to buy in NYC, so it’ll be a jumbo mortgage on a coop. We are both long term renters (as in, we’re in our early 40’s kinda long term), never bought before. I’ve done some internet searching to figure this out, but I’m not very sophisticated on the topic (see: long-term renter).
nuqotw
I wouldn’t do it unless taking the ARM means you can pay off the loan in 7 years, or before the first time the lender can adjust rates. Fixed rates are very very low right now – take advantage and lock in the low rate!
Interest rates are likely to be higher in 3 -5 years, but it’s hard to say how much higher. If the answer is “not too much” then you would come out ahead of a fixed rate. If the answer is “a lot higher” it’s at best an expensive mistake and at worst you will be $crewed.
Anon
Rates are unlikely to be as low as they are now, imo. Also, a lot of people 10 years ago thought they were going to refinance their ARMs and look at how that worked out.
Anonymous
+1M
You can always refi, even an ARM, if rates drop. But if they rise . . . (and they pretty much have to rise, they don’t have a lot left to drop)
Anon
Don’t do an adjustable rate mortgage if you can’t afford the adjusted rate when it happens. Who knows what will happen in 3-5 years, maybe interest rates will skyrocket, maybe there will be a terrible recession and refinancings will be hard to come by. Don’t lose your home on accident. If you CAN afford the adjusted rate and simply want to take advantage of the low rate now and refinance later and can bear the cost if you can’t refinance (or at least not at a favorable rate), go for it.
Casper
ARMs are usually a bad idea (I got my start doing foreclosures and almost all of them were on ARMs). Rates are really really low right now, under 4%. You always say that you’ll refinance in 3-5 years, but then the interest rates go up, or one of you looses a job, or one of you starts a business and it’s a big paid to qualify for a new loan. Go with a fixed 30 year. Sometimes with jumbo loans you get a better rate if you do two mortgages, say 80% on fixed rate 30 year and 15% on a HELOC. l
Anonymous
I had a 5/1. We got it for like…2.25% maybe lower. It was 2008. We knew we would be in our house a max of 7 years and the plan was to exit in 5 (it was our starter house). It worked out great for us and we sold the house just over 5 years after we bought it. Even if we had stayed 2 extra years, it would have been with it.
But if you are in abhouse you will be in for a long time, I’d suggest getting the fixed rate. Rates are still quite low. There’s certainly no sign they’ll be the same or lower when the 5 or 7 years are up.
anon anon
Do the math and consider how long you expect to be in the home. We’re in a 10-year ARM because the rates were so much lower (nearly a full point) than a fixed rate loan. On a jumbo loan that makes a big difference. And we don’t expect to be in the house for 10 years. But if we are, for whatever reason, after 10 years we will have made significant principal payments and hope to be in a position to pay it all off. If not, the principal will be low enough that we will be able to refinance. We ran the numbers considering the worst-case scenario – our loan interest rate could increase 5% in year 11. Even running those numbers, we’d have to be in the ARM more than 14 years for it to be a worse option for us, considering how much we are saving on interest in the first 10 years, and there’s almost no chance we will be in this home more than 14 years.
anne-on
So, you may not even be able to GET an ARM on a co-op. There aren’t as many banks that offer loans for co-ops (it’s a bit of a niche big city offering) so you may want to talk to actual banks first to check your offerings. Second – your co-op board package may only be approved with a fixed rate mortgage – welcome to co-op living! where the board can and will micromanage your decisions and you’ll still be grateful to pass inspection ;)
Mortgages OP
Thanks, good point on co-op board approval re mortgage. Something to ask the broker. DH spoke to bank mortgage officer who said we could likely qualify for a 2.95% ARM. I think it was 7yr.
Anon
I just went through this and did an ARM (which I never thought I would do!). Even with interest increasing at the highest potential rate each year after the lock, the maximum amount of interest I would pay wasn’t that much higher than at the 30 year fixed because the ARM is so much lower for the first 7 and there are significant savings in the first 7 both on having a lower interest rate and on reducing principal faster for the same payment amount. Have your bank/mortgage broker run both scenarios for you and compare the all-in cost on both if you were to hold for 30 years.
Anonymous
As someone in their 40s, who lived through the recession, I can’t believe you would ever consider this unless you had substantial savings in the bank.
Anonymouse
Co-signed. We bought our house as a 5 year house in 2005 (at the top of the market). We did a 7 year ARM. When the seventh year rolled around we were underwater on our mortgage and it was really stressful to figure out the next step. Fortunately our bank offered a refinance, but it wasn’t at great terms overall, but we didn’t have to put more money into it so we did it. Fast forward to now. We have that house on the market for less than we bought it for and still trying to sell it. DON’T do it.
Parent support question - am I wrong?
I have an elderly parent question for this hive.
We just reluctantly put my mom in memory care. My parents have been married 40 years, and I know this hit my dad very hard even if he won’t talk about it – with me or a pro. My parents don’t have any savings except what is in their home, so their home is being sold to pay for my mom’s care. I have bought a cute cottage for my dad to move into, and have spent $$$/time on making modifications so my mom can spend time there with our family. Dad becomes my tenant, I get some tax benefits, and his rent stays in the family for later use if/when their funds completely run out. Our family accountant suggested this plan.
Now my dad is refusing to move into this new house. He can’t wait to get out of the old house, but his solution is to move onto his boat [that he should not have due to money and frailty; don’t get me started], pay to put his possessions into storage, and live off of his pension. Meanwhile, I should rent this new house to a third party and just use that money to pay for mom’s care.
I feel like my dad is basically abandoning the financial part of my mom’s care to me. I have been beyond generous for many years with them; for a while they lived with me, etc. It was a big deal for me to buy this home to support him in – I cashed in stock that has since skyrocketed. I was ok with this when the plan was for my dad to indirectly fund my mom’s future care by becoming my tenant but he is proposing something entirely different (I am on the hook starting now; he gets to preserve and direct his capital as he wishes). He blows up when I try to talk to him about this, then says his blood pressure is too high to discuss.
Advice appreciated. I have a ton of sympathy for my dad’s situation, but I am also kinda taken aback by his behavior. I think he just wants my mom to be someone else’s problem so he can be a hermit with his money and his possessions, rather than standing by his wife of many decades. I also suspect he wouldn’t fight this relocation if I had been wealthy enough to buy him some waterfront dream house rather than a perfectly lovely but not fancy house (that is more expensive and bigger than my own, btw).
Anonymous
Can you just cut your losses and sell the rental house? Or punt and in fact rent it out short term while your dad maybe realizes that the boat isn’t a good idea?
Your dad is a grownup and he gets to decide things, especially when they they are this emotion-filled.
Parent support question
Well, my dad’s idea is for the rental income to pay for mom’s care. So if I just sell I think his idea will be for me to use the “proceeds” of that sale (which are mine) rather than expect him to contribute from “his” pension/savings/assets like his boat.
Anonymous
Just say no to that — you have expenses to recoup now that you don’t have rental income coming in to offset that.
Anonymous
Simple solution to this!
Your dad: “You should use the proceeds of the sale of the house I didn’t want to live in to pay for your mother’s care.”
You: “No, I am not going to do that.”
See? Not difficult. Practice saying your line now, over and over, so that when the conversation arises you can say it for real.
You are an adult with a voice and agency. Your dad is an adult and needs to live with the consequences of his actions. He does not just get to dump this on you and walk away, especially not on your dime. Time to cowgirl up and use your voice to say NO.
Anon
I mean, just tell him you aren’t paying for her care – that any money you get from a tenant is yours to reinvest in the house and to recoup the money you lost supporting them in the future. As her husband, that memory care debt will fall directly to him, not you and the bank will go after him no matter what. His choices are your plan or to have his pension and money from the house sucked away by creditors; or become your mother’s full time caretaker.
anon
+100
And that doesn’t even have to be a lengthy discussion. Just tell him and walk away if/when if he blows up.
Anonymous
+1, This is the answer
Anonymous
Can you stop him? Probably not. Does your mom have a legal right to part of that pension? I’d find out. Should you take care of your mom and not be a shit (have a bad attitude) about it? Probably.
I don’t have much sympathy b/c my Dad went into retirement b/c of M.S. at age 49 so I’ve been dealing with this type of shit since college and I have absolutely no sympathy for people who don’t have to deal with this until late in life. But as someone who has been dealing with it for awhile, I will tell you, you can’t control people. I’d get used to the idea that he lives on a boat (although you don’t have to save him when he runs it into the dock or someone else’s boat or can’t pay for the maintenance).
Anon
Yikes!
anon
Seriously. Does being mean to other people make caring for your dad any easier? Does it make you feel better?
Anonymous
No, OP should not provide financially for her mother. Her parents are adults and can live with the consequences of their own bad decisions. If they drain their assets and the mother has to go on Medicaid, then so be it.
I agree with the poster below that it’s not clear that either OP or her dad was ever really OK with the original plan. If that’s the case, OP should draw some boundaries, starting with selling the house.
Hugs to you, OP. My family is dealing with a parent with dementia who made a slew of bad decisions earlier in life. All of us children agree that we will do what we can to preserve her resources for her care, but we will not fund it ourselves. You deserve to live your own life. You have no obligation either to control your father’s choices or to subsidize them.
Anon
I don’t think you’re wrong but I also don’t necessarily think your dad is wrong either. It kinda sounds like he’s making an emotional decision because he’s having a tough time with what seems to be a very difficult situation.
Do you think he would maybe go back to the original plan when the dust has settled a bit? If you can afford it, maybe leave the house as is for 3-4 months and if he’s ready, he can move in?
Hugs! It sounds like you are doing a remarkable job coping with a tragic situation and supporting your parents. You should be commended.
Anonymous
Man, a lot to unpack here. He is grieving multiple enormous losses here, first of all, and he’s likely trying to run away from his pain, not from his wife.
Second, was HE on board with this plan originally? Were YOU really on board – your description suggests buying it was a little out of reach for you, and also suggests you feel a fair bit of long-time resentment. What if you sold the house – would that be an OK outcome for you? Can your mom’s care be picked up by Medicaid?
Anonymous
PS – forgot to add, you too are grieving a bunch of losses, so be kind to yourself too. Your mom’s health, their financial safety net, your dad as you thought you knew him. . . etc.
Anonymous
I would agree that it seems to me, from the little we know, that what your dad is doing is a HUGE reaction to some massive losses and changes. Of course, you know if he’s a selfish and mean person at heart and if their marriage is bad enough that he just wants to have nothing to do with his wife’s care from here on.
But it sounds to this outside like the actions of a very, very overwhelmed man facing end-of-life challenges of his own, huge loss over what’s happened to his life, loss of his home, and loss of independence (living in his daughter’s house and being a drain on her). All that makes me very sad for him.
You’re also dealing with a lot, and if you’ve been supporting them financially for a while, and you bought a better house for him than you have for yourself, then there’s all kinds of history that we don’t know of. Is there a way you can all buy yourselves some time to let this settle a bit and let emotions calm down a bit and do some grieving of all this massive loss? Putting my mom into memory care and losing our family home was an ENORMOUS loss for my dad and our family. It’s like a death, without the closure, that just drags on and on and on and on.
Anon
I think you are well within your rights not to drain your savings supporting your parents/mom, but I also think you can’t force your dad to move into your house or generally follow your plans. You’ve offered, he said no, he’s an adult who gets to make his own decisions even if you think they’re terrible.
Anonymous
Who decided to sell your parents’ home to pay for your mom’s care? Who writes the checks to the memory care facility?
It sounds like you are very involved in your parents financials (not just managing, but directing and funding). Did your dad choose this cottage / new location?
There is no right answer here because I’m not your family and so much of this is emotional. What I’d do for my parents/family is very different than what others may do. With the facts you gave, I’d sell the cottage and let Dad worry about himself and your mom. But that is me and my parents, not you and yours.
And I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. Hugs.
Anonymous
With older parents and housing and $, there is what makes sense and then they get to make their own bad decisions unless they are so addled that you get to make the decisions for them. Sadly.
Parent support question
Thank you to this community for the helpful thoughts. In reply to questions –
– Dad basically ‘chose’ to sell their house but it was not much of a choice b/c memory care bills will not be paid unless house is sold. They have zero savings, bc they always did dumb stuff like run out and buy boats or expensive appliances when they got a windfall.
– Dad writes checks to the memory care facility now but if the house is not sold it will be me. Mom’s facility does not accept Medicaid. Nothing in this HCOL area does.
– Dad hated current house anyway, even though he is the one that chose it originally. As soon as they moved in, the complaints started about the “cheesy” finishes. I was like ‘well dad, I didn’t even see this house before closing, neither did mom, this was your choice after weeks and months of looking.’ Btw I funded 75% of that purchase too, since they only had enough to pay 25% of purchase price and no bank would approve them/him for a loan.
– Dad did not choose the new house, I did. It is one mile from mom’s memory care. Listings are scarce and we were lucky that anything came up in the right price range. Frankly I wasn’t going to let him have much of a voice, since he had all the voice in the prior purchase and was still 100% sour grapes when they moved in. Anything meeting dad’s standards in this area would be $1M+. And frankly, if/when he dies then it will be me living in this house close to mom, so my opinion deserves to count – this is my money AND my future house.
Anon
So…you’re paying for your Mom’s memory care no matter how you look at it – you purchased their existing house and gave it to them!!! Honestly, especially with that knowledge, I’d tell your Dad, in the kindest way possible “shove it, I’m not your bank – I’ve done so much for you and the fact that you’re doing this honestly tells me you don’t care about me or Mom. I will not be helping you aside from the VERY generous offer that I’ve already set forth. Otherwise you’re on your own, you’ve taken advantage of me already and at this point you’re ruining my future stability. Did you really have a child just to make their life harder?”.
Basically, an “I’m done, I’m so disappointed, you’ve hurt me and should be ashamed” sort of angle, but in a gentler way. Unless your Dad’s a narcissist this is probably the best way to shoot through his emotions and land squarely on his sense of justice, child protection, and father daughter love – assuming you have a reasonably healthy emotional relationship, if not a financial one.
Anon
You don’t have to answer- -but how old is your dad and do you anticipate him needing care?
DH has a similar elder parent issue, and I was initially on the side of the posters saying to stay out of all of their choices. However, I’ve quickly realized that my in-laws’ decisions in caring for my FIL’s memory care (and his poor financial decisions that he made when he was managing finances and no one knew he had Alzheimers’ yet) don’t just affect my in-laws but affect me as well. If they deplete all their finances caring for FIL, I can’t see DH being ok with us just hanging my MIL out to dry (especially since the reason they would run out of money wouldn’t be her fault). I expect you’re kind of in a similar situation, and I think you’re entitled to whatever involvement in their finances that you need to in order to protect yourself going forward.
Anonymous
I posted upthread but given these details, it sounds like you are basically in a position (of your own doing- and I mean that kindly- you’ve been involved/joined financially for a while now) to find your mom’s care or put her into a new place. I think your father is telling you (with his actions, not telling you directly) that he expects you to pay for your mother’s care. Perhaps the convo you should be having with him is about this.
He’s the kind of person who will ask for/accept you paying 75% of his home’s cost. He’s going to take whatever you give. It’s up to you to decide if your relationship is such that you continue to give or you create boundaries. I can’t tell you what the right answer is, unfortunately.
Anon
This is the right advice. You can’t let someone take advantage of you for years and then be surprised when they want to continue to take advantage of you.
In no way does this mean you should continue to fund your dad’s life, because you shouldn’t, but this is hardly out of left field.
I’d look into a memory care facility that takes Medicaid. I don’t think it’s going to be difficult to demonstrate that your parents have no money, and at some point this is gong to bankrupt you if you don’t do that. I’m sure your mom would not have wanted that.
Anonymous
Unless you want to bankrupt yourself, you are going to have to find your mom a place to be that accepts Medicaid. This is what Medicaid is for – when people who need care can’t pay for it, they go on Medicaid. P.S., if the house you bought is in your name and not your dad’s, the “spend down” won’t force you to sell it to pay for her care. Your dad may have to sell or divest other assets in order for your mom to qualify for Medicaid and that’s probably why he figures he’ll just make you deal with it.
Girl, I say this with love: grow a spine. Lots of people out there have no money and end up in care facilities that take Medicaid. It’s not the end of the world. I am thinking from your posts you don’t have a spouse or partner – you need to be extra concerned about your own future and making sure YOU are provided for if you don’t have a partner, or children, or other relatives who will be there to care for you/help you pay for your care when you get old.
This is a life vest/oxygen mask situation. You have to take care of yourself first. As someone said above, you can’t be surprised when someone who has taken advantage of you wants to continue taking advantage of you. The only way this will stop is if you put a stop to it. Good luck.
Anonymous
I essentially agree, but I think responses in this thread sound a little cavalier about the difficulty of finding a spot in a facility that accepts Medicaid as well as optimistic about what Medicaid actually covers (it is not clear to me that Medicaid fully covers residential memory care). That’s without even getting into the question of whether the facility is acceptable (especially whether the residents are routinely heavily sedated for the convenience of the staff). I agree with Coach Laura below that an elder care attorney could be helpful.
Coach Laura
I’m confused as to whether the house is fully in your name, your dad’s or joint. What did he do with the house sale proceeds? Since you talked to an accountant, hopefully you protected your assets.
You say “I was ok with this when the plan was for my dad to indirectly fund my mom’s future care by becoming my tenant but he is proposing something entirely different. ” I would rent the house “immediately” after giving him 48 hours to decide. The tenant’s rent will go to pay your mortgage or if there isn’t a mortgage it will go to you as income on your investment. Cancel the commitment to fund your mom’s care unless he moves into the rental and tell your dad he needs to fund it. If he balks and tries to force you, then get a conservator for your mom’s assets (her 50% of the house proceeds, her SSI, her pension, her claim on his pension – whatever). Hire a good attorney. I would say that you pay her care as a last resort if her attorney says she doesn’t have enough. If and when he comes around, he can become your tenant after your tenant’s lease is up. Tell him you won’t bail him out if the boat sinks.
I think you have to play hardball with him to support your mom. I’m not one to say abandon family but the one that needs protecting is your mom. You may have to fund her care but he shouldn’t be able to spend “her” money and make her poor. There are also medicare rules (that are beyond me) so I would definitely get an attorney who knows elder care issues. Sorry you are going through this but your mom is lucky to have you.
Anonymous
Since we had a good student loan discussion today — can someone explain income based repayment? I know it’s available if you work for the government, but is it also available if you work private sector or will you just most likely not qualify? Are you mostly paying down interest during the 10 years of IBR or is it some combo of interest and principal? And once year 10 hits and your loan is forgiven, is that a taxable event? Meaning if 150k of debt is forgiven in 2029, does that mean you’re paying taxes on an extra 150k in 2029?
BabyAssociate
I’m no expert in income based repayment, but it absolutely is available to those in the private sector. However, I don’t think 10 year loan forgiveness is right (that’s public service loan forgiveness). I think the forgiveness under IBR is 20-25 years. Big difference.
Anon
I was on IBR until recently and have always been in the private sector. What IBR does is cap your loan payments at a certain percentage of your discretionary income. So, in some cases this may mean your payment is interest only. In some cases, it may mean that your payment is a combination of interest and principal. For example, when I started on this, my monthly interest was $450 a month, and my IBR payment was $300 per month. My last IBR payment was $700 per month. I now make enough that I don’t need IBR. My experience is that they calculate a new 10 year payment plan for you each year– so my current monthly payment ($900) is less than what my payment was when I initially applied for IBR. ($1100).
Any interest that accrues while you are on IBR stays in its own separate pool of money, and it does not accrue additional interest. Any interest you haven’t paid off by the time you get off IBR gets added to the rest of your loans and capitalizes. (That was a really fun conversation with DH to explain how my loans had gone up one month.)
Also– you can always pay more than what your IBR payment is, the same way that you can pay more than what your normal payment is. And you can choose to apply it more towards principal, etc. This is part of how you can make sure you are actually keeping your loans under control while on IBR.
My understanding is that forgiveness under IBR is something like 20-25 years and that it is a taxable event. This is also subject to the whims of Congress.
Anonymous
You can sign up for income based repayment no matter how much you make or where you work (but at a certain point there is no benefit to it–your income will dictate a payment at what the standard 10 year plan would be.) If you work for the government or other qualifying public service employer, you get on IBR to lower your monthly payment. It depends on your income and loan amount, but for most people your payment goes primarily towards interest. In theory, after 120 months of qualifying payments where you work in public service, the balance is forgiven and is not taxed (well, currently that is how it is). If you do not qualify for public service loan repayment, then you can pay on IBR for 20 or 25 years (I forget) and then the rest is forgiven. I don’t know if that is taxed.
I have been a public defender for 10.5 years and have made every single loan payment on time, and am having a huge fight with FedLoan Servicing to get my loans forgiven. It is a disaster of a program.
Anonymous
Wait – why? It’s determined AFTER the fact whether you qualify for the forgiveness? Like there’s no signed assurance up front that if you work for this employer + make 120 payments on time, your loans are gone? Because the way you’re saying it — if (and I hope for your sake it isn’t like this) now they say, sorry your loans won’t be forgiven for x or y reason, doesn’t that mean that you are WAY behind? Meaning you’ve only been paying down some and maybe not even all of your interest and no principal for 10 years — so the loan has likely been growing??
Anonymous
My understanding is that this is exactly how things have panned out. It wasn’t clear going into it that this is what would happen though. I don’t know any public defenders who have run into this, but I know teachers who were part of the program who have.
Anonymous
https://www.forbes.com/sites/zackfriedman/2019/05/01/99-of-borrowers-rejected-again-for-student-loan-forgiveness/#325e1dfab16b
loan forgiveness
You’re entirely correct – which is why those of us who opted for PSLF several years ago are in a perilous position now. I’m about four years away from forgiveness and I’ve been following stories of forgiveness closely – do you mind saying a bit more about why FedLoan is giving you a hard time, Anonymous at 4:02? I could be you in just a couple of years.
Inspired By Hermione
FedLoan says I’m 12 payments behind where I should be because I used to be with Nelnet and they INSIST Nelnet said I was supposed to be paying $400 a month and didn’t in 2018. I wasn’t. I was expected to pay $0 on IBR. Haven’t figured out how to prove this since their brilliant f-ing idea was to prove I paid by submitting bank statements. For a $0 monthly payment. FedLoan can go jump.
Anon
IBR is available to those in the private sector, however, the terms significantly different than for those who are on the public service loan forgiveness plan. Depending on when you took out your loans, the repayment period is either 20-25 years. The payment you make is based on a percentage of your discretionary income (there is a set formula to determine discretionary income and slightly different between the 20 and 25 year repayment plans). For me, I pay 10% of my discretionary income. This does not even come close to covering my interest, much less paying down principal. YMMV. I have to re-certify my income every year and a new payment amount is calculated. Once I make 20 years of payments, the debt will be forgiven and taxed as wages.
Anonymous
Earlier this week people were talking about wearing workout clothes to sleep so they could get out the door faster – can we talk about retinol products and getting out the door faster? I hate washing my face only to have to later take a shower an hour later. Does anyone have a good solution?
Anemone
You should be applying retinol at night, since photosensitivity is at its highest right after application. You should also apply it 20-30 minutes after washing your face, since any lingering moisture can induce flaking/peeling.
Anon
This. Your answer is to put it on at night or you risk damaging your skin, burns, etc.
Anonymous
whoa I did not know the photosensitivity peaked after application! I thought when I wake up in the morning I would still be asking for sun damage if I went out without washing my face. do you put on a fresh layer of sunscreen or no?
Anonymous
The retin-a gets absorbed into your skin, so you shouldnt really be able to wash it off in the morning. Whether you wash your face or not, always apply sunscreen before going out in the morning.
Anon
Agree. I don’t always wash my face in the mornings. I don’t use greasy creams at night so it’s fine. But I wouldn’t leave without sunscreen. If you’re working out outside, like jogging, that’s a major application. If you’re driving to and from the gym, I would probably just use the brush on stuff. Very quick and easy.
Anon
Something like this
https://www.paulaschoice.com/on-the-go-shielding-powder-spf-30/237.html
Sedan recommendations
Please help me buy a car. We have one large SUV (VW Atlas) that I don’t love driving (so big and bulky). I would like to buy a full size sedan that can comfortably fit two front facing carseats in the back.
Only restrictions are that it should have Car Play and that it should be highly ranked in terms of safety features obv since my kids will be in it every day.
Suggestions?
Anonymous
Toyota Avalon
Anonymous
+1 Avalon. Backseat is comfy for grownups even, which is rare, so kid in car seats won’t feel too close to the back of the front seats.
Senior Attorney
I had an Audi A3 that I loved. It’s a little smaller than you want but the bigger Audi sedans look great. A friend has an A6 that I just drool over. Pricey but worth it.
OP
Thanks! I should have added probably the most important criteria — I don’t want an expensive luxury car. Not looking for the budget option necessarily but I really don’t want a fancy car. Something in the middle.
Senior Attorney
Haha oops!
Carry on…
Anonymous
A Honda Accord or Jetta
Anonymous
Hate my Honda Accord, fwiw, but it does fit 2 carseats. I like the way it drives but hate the way the seat feels, the stupid numerical speed thingy (I need to know if i’m going 43 mph, not 125), and the annoying way it ALWAYS remembers my husband’s Bluetooth connection before mine.
Anonymous
What are you taking about with numerical speed? It will def show you your speed!
Anonymous
sorry unclear — I hate old fashioned speedometers (that go in increments of 20 up to 120 mph), much prefer digital speedometers.
Anon
Newer model Honda’s have a digital speedometer. And by newer, l mean like last7 years at least
Anon
I drive a Toyota Camry and they’re very reliable cars. That said, I’m dying to upgrade to a crossover SUV (many of which are no wider than my Camry) because I feel like it’s so much easier to get kids into/out of carseats into them. So I recommend doing a lot of experimenting with the carseats and loading and unloading kids before you purchase. I had less than zero desire for an SUV until I had kids but we recently rented one (accidentally) on a family trip and wow, it was a game changer.
anon.
I’m not sure about the Car Play because my husband uses an Android, but he has the Prius V and it is an amazing car and great alternative to an SUV with two kids. Not exactly a sedan, but not an SUV either. He’s had 3 of them (leases) and loves them.
Anonymous
I have a regular Prius, not the V, and am surprised by just how much I love it. The most recent redesign significantly improved the car over previous versions. No CarPlay, though.
Anon
Nissan Altima
Inspired By Hermione
I LOVE my Subaru. I have a 2012 Impreza but the 2018 (and I think some before this, too) have car play. I have the hatchback and, while I haven’t tried it, I’m pretty confident it would comfortably fit carseats.
Pringle
The chat a couple of weeks ago about proactively dating in your 20s struck a chord with me – I’ve been on a couple of first dates since then. Thanks for lighting a fire under me, Hive.
Anon
Yay! I hope you get what you want out of it, whether that’s enjoying the process of meeting lots of new people or finding The One.
Kimm
Awesome! So glad to hear it. Don’t be discouraged if you don’t find someone right away — it only takes one “the One”! And if it’s at all helpful, I thought I was awkward and bad at dating because I never really seemed to click with anyone — until I met my husband, and our first date was tons of fun and not awkward at all. Again, when you find the right person, hopefully everything will just fall into place. You’re doing the right thing by putting yourself out there.
Anonymous
What is better if you’re doing yoga on a vinyl basement floor and it hurts your knees and wrists: a fancy new thick yoga mat, 2 cheap yoga mats on top, folding yoga mats as needed, or something else?
Anon
I find that balance poses are harder for me to maintain on cushy mats, so I just pull a blanket or a foamy Pilates-type mat under my knees as-needed for kneeling poses. Otherwise I just use the regular mat because my balance is better for other poses on that style mat.
Anonymous
I prefer a thicker, firmer mat. It cushions better but doesn’t mess with my balance. I have a Manduka, but Jade is also good. A cheap mat may seem nice and fluffy, but it doesn’t really cushion because it lets you squish right down to the floor.
pugsnbourbon
My first thought is to put down a rug pad (the sticky kind) and then create a small platform out of those interlocking foam tiles over it. If you added a regular yoga mat on top, would that be too squishy?
Saguaro
Just like at the studio, I use a blanket they have there (or a towel I bring) under my knees. My friend uses a mat; it’s kind of like those kneeling mats you can use to garden.
Anonymous
Not at all humble brag: on a whim I just checked my 401k balances which I usually ignore entirely, and I have 175k squirreled away! I am very set it and forget it and sometimes get down on myself for not saving enough outside of retirement accounts so it was a nice reminder that I am doing a lot, actually.
Anonymous
Congrats!! This is exactly why I started tracking my net worth on a Quarterly basis. I could see my debt decreasing and my savings increase even if it’s all retirement