Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Pleated V-Neck Shell

296 Comments

1. My close friend from high school moved from MN to NC a few years ago. We have grown apart but I’d still like to get her something for her bday. She sends me a card every year Not much extra cash) and I’m stumped what to get her. She is into brand name handbags, breweries, and Chick-fil-a. Budget $50. Any ideas? I am thinking about sending flowers…

   1. NC has a lot of breweries (and not just in Asheville). A lot have dinner options. Maybe a gift card to explore a local one? She can always get a t-shirt.

   2. If she still loves MN, send her an MN t-shirt and a cute card.

   3. I would love to get flowers!

      1. +1 for flowers.

      2. I would also love to get flowers!

2. Has anyone tried anything from the Vetta capsule collection — specifically, the tapered work pants and boxy blouse? I’m curious if they make the transition from “in theory appropriate for work” to actually appropriate for work.

   1. I’ve been really curious about Vetta too. A blogger I follow likes them (Goblin Shark) but her body shape is different from mine so I’m curious about the experiences of others.

      1. I wanted to like them, but the clothes just ended up looking quite frumpy on me. I’m 5-feet tall, which is likely part of the problem.

   2. In addition to Goblin Shark, another blogger I know (Sophie with a Blog) has also done a Vetta review where she tries on a few of the items, including the Boxy Blouse and one of the other pants.

   3. I am also 5 feet tall and wanted to love the Vetta collection. The materials were nice, but the cut of the garments just did not work for my body. I did like the pants, though. I feel like someone with a cooler vibe than me could likely pull off the whole collection. No harm in ordering and returning if it doesn’t work.

   4. I’ve tried quite a few items from them– they have the thing where you can get free returns if you return for store credit, so I’ve done that in hopes of finding something from them that works for me. I wouldn’t necessarily talk you out of ordering any of these items, but like other posters– some of them just really did not work for me. I lot of their tops are “oversized,” so even the XS is still big on me in the boyfriend shirt and the boxy blouse. (I’m a 2-4/34A bust. I think these would still look good on someone petite with a bigger bust.) Many of their items that seemed great in theory to me did not work out because of some issue I had with the fabric– the peg pant fabric did not drape well and the tan tapered pant was too sheer for me and tight at the calves. I do have the girlfriend shirt though and wear it for both work and casual events.

3. Would be interested in the opinions of someone who knows about cosmetics, regulatory approvals, GMPs etc. on what’s going on with these Jaclyn Hill lipsticks! I’ve watched a couple of her videos here and there and haven’t followed her really. Saw her apology video then a video where someone found metal in her lipsticks? And other things that look like plastic, white hair, black hair. How does this happen??

   1. There is very, very little cosmetic regulation in the US.

      1. FDA does not require pre-market review of any cosmetics* products. They do have the power to pull them off the market if they become dangerous, but can’t proactively require proof. I think cosmetics may have some voluntary registration they can do, but there’s not a lot FDA can do proactively.

         *if a cosmetics product makes a medical/drug claim then the FDA does have the power to regulate via pharma regulations. So things like suncreen have FDA oversight (claim is preventing skin cancer).

         1. Suncreens are drugs, not cosmetics.

            1. Yes. That’s what I was trying to say. So if a “cosmetics” product (something in the beauty aisle) makes a drug claim, then it gets regulated like a drug, even it is still marketed like a cosmetic. And you know if it’s been regulated like a drug if its got drug information panel on it.

         2. The definition of medical claims must be pretty narrow, since supplements are not regulated and homeopathic supplements have only recently come under scrutiny, after several tragic incidents.

   2. this is why i stick to the established players. I hope they have better manufacturing standards and QC process.

      Anyway I’m at a point where I just tune-out IG and blogger sponsored posts. Unless it’s something super revolutionary- I’m not needing a new thing.

      1. Same. I stick with classic brands that have a good reputation.

4. My Ann Taylor Factory tops are my absolute favorite work shirts these days. I bought a week’s worth in the winter and just got 8ish short-sleeved shirts for summer. Highly recommend (unless you’re a stickler about natural fibers).

   1. Any particular ones you can link to? Short sleeved work shorts are my holy grail and I cannot seem to find any nice enough cheap-ish ones (~30-40 bucks). I bought next to nothing last summer during the scourge of cold shoulder tops and now my closet is really feeling that gap.

      1. The Angel Sleeve tees are my favorite – https://factory.anntaylor.com/angel-sleeve-tee/488003?skuId=27194898&defaultColor=2222&catid=cat3960032. Only solids in that link but they have some patterned ones as well, so just do a search.
         Same on the Tulip Sleeve top, do a search to find all the options – https://factory.anntaylor.com/striped-tulip-sleeve-top/491749?skuId=26768298&defaultColor=9192&catid=cat3960032.

         1. I like the tulip sleeve ones a lot, too, and own a couple of them. Very versatile and they are made of a “nice” synthetic – good drape, don’t seem to pill (although I don’t throw any tops in the dryer), and they don’t have that icky sweaty feel.

            I may own the top in today’s pick, although mine is a print version. If they are the same, the one I have is a thicker synthetic, so, a little sweatier perhaps, but has a nice structure to it.

            I still think ATF is a bit iffy for quality. I have a few things I really, really like, but for a while there I returned everything I ordered because the fabrics were either weirdly rubbery or so thin it’s like they took fabric that was supposed to be used for lining and made a dress out of it.

5. With suiting I like silk tanks, either in a fun color, with interesting trim, or a print. Antonio Melani at Dillard’s, Elie Tahari and Talbots are my go to, each have a couple of contenders each time I check.

6. After a rocky start to elementary school, we are doing some testing for ASD1, f/k/a Aspergers. I know lots of people with older kids with autism (one so bad that he can’t go to church or graduations with his family unless there is a supervised quiet room, several with fewer problems who go to regular high school and have plans to work and perhaps have apartments after high school near their parents or live in something like an efficiency apartment made from a garage). I don’t know anyone with ASD1 and their path to adulthood. Any annecdata would be good to know at this point (like: was regular school helpful? was middle school even more awful? I worry about social media bullying for my neurotypical kid but I think this could be a lot worse for a kid who is socially unique and so sincere that she won’t realize that people are being very mean to her b/c she just wants to be their friend and isn’t sure how).

   1. I have autism. I actually ended up going to university three years early but didn’t learn to drive until about 6 years of regular lessons and I suck at certain things like understanding jokes. Not surprisingly my son also has autism.

      Basically we think and process differently. Not wrongly, just not the same way that everyone else does. Don’t be afraid. It will be okay and you are not alone. Autism moms are a rad community and we have amazing, talented and beautiful children :)

   2. I used to volunteer extensively with special-needs kids in a therapeutic riding program, and two of my favorite kids were on the spectrum (not sure of specific diagnoses, as we weren’t provided with that info unless it was relevant to our work). There were both in the 11-13 range. One attended regular school, which I think was tough for him, but his family was very low-income and his mother (dad was not around) was not legally present in the US and not fluent in English, so her ability to advocate for him was limited and I’m not sure he even had an IEP. He mostly just came off, to those who didn’t know him well, as rambunctious at a level that was more appropriate for a young kid than for a 12-year-old, which I think is difficult because without parent advocacy, a teacher can easily view that as a disciplinary issue rather than a medical one.

      The other was in her last year at an ASD-focused public charter school, after which she was going to be transitioning to a standard public junior high. She was super dreamy and easily distracted, really creative, and just generally sort of unworldly and sweet (sort of like a fairy princess, to be honest). Her dad once said that the key thing for her was making sure she had small-group opportunities to meet and make friends with kids from her new school – they had to guide those interactions a bit until the relationships were formed, but my understanding is that she’s doing well at her new school. Her road to independence may be longer than that of other kids but I think she’ll get there.

      We also had a couple of volunteers with ASD who had previously been students in the program, all of whom lived independently and at least one of whom was in college. Finding something outside of school that can be a “home” for your child throughout the various school and life transitions can be really help.

   3. It varies so so much. I know one couple who both have ASD1 (diagnosed in college), have PhDs, kids, and a house, and are working their way up the ladder into high-powered jobs. If I hadn’t been close friends with them in college, I’d have no idea. I know another person with ASD1 whose spouse does not have ASD – they have a kid and a house but need a lot of parental help in their 40s. I used to work with families of children with ASD, and there was a lot of variation even at 6 years old. I think this is something you’re going to have to take one step at a time. If you get a diagnosis, you need to figure out what that means for your specific child. It may be that your child adjusts to school within a year or two and will go on to have a perfectly normal life, maybe with some counseling or occupational therapy. Or, you may need to think about working with an estate planning attorney who has experience working with parents of kids with special needs and knows how to set up the right kind of trust. I’d suggest talking to your child’s doctor about whether there are any support groups or parent-to-parent networks in your area.

   4. I’ve posted this before but I have a cousin who was not officially on the spectrum but had a lot of issues similar to ASD1. They were repeatedly told they did not need services/support since they were not on the spectrum. They had almost no friends in middle school/high school, but when they were a senior in high school, a teacher took an interest in them and referred them with a therapist/social worker who works with kids like them. They spent six months working with the therapist on social skills before going to college and it made a world of difference. Even after a few sessions I noticed a huge difference in his confidence and ability to interact with others.

      They went to college, had a huge group of friends, met their now fiance, successfully got internships, etc. It really helped them flourish. So I always recommend looking for someone who can work with kids on improving social skills as early as possible – it can really improve middle school/high school and she doesn’t have to be lonely.

      1. Thanks — this is helpful. We are at a “good” school but in an urban district where I just feel that there isn’t a lot of bandwidth to care about things not on fire. Like they will note problems with attention and chewing on pencils, but never suggested that they do an evaluation or that we pursue it. It was more that we were thinking maybe it was ADD and trying to get an evaluation for that when the evaluator noted a bunch of other things (erratic eye contact, other things) and spoke to us a bit candidly (and out of my kid’s hearing) and now we are doing some screening for that (including forms for the teachers where they all easily noted that real deficits, but they had never, ever mentioned any of this to me even though we’ve had numerous conferences. UGH.).

         I am angry that we have lost so much time not doing what we should have been doing (and I’m still not sure what that is). I am angry that no one else really seems to care — my kid isn’t disruptive or failing and that seems to be what gets attention. I feel bad that I haven’t addressed my kid’s actual needs. I am relieved by having a name for what is going on and frightened that there will be more that I only start to figure out 2 years too late. And I feel for the kids with full-blown ASD, but there does not seem to be a lot of easy-to-find resources if you just have a kid with ASD1.

         1. Well everyone here insists on urban living and inner city schools to prove how open minded and diverse they are and how much they don’t need a McMansion – this is what you get.

            1. Our “good” suburban McMansion school district doesn’t point out issues or provide services either. Public schools just stink at dealing with anything other than the median child, unless perhaps you can get your kid into a magnet program geared towards her specific needs. Which mainly exist in large urban districts.

            2. Oh for gods sake stfu

            3. You get the run around at plenty of fancy suburban schools too, so maybe calm down.

            4. my fancy suburban private school denied my sister services for her (professionally diagnosed) learning disability and made my parents choose between 1) suing them 2) transferring her to the super majority black urban public school for the district we actually lived in that was happy to give her services she needed. stfu.

   5. I went to an extremely nerdy college. I’m pretty sure half the school had Aspergers. They/we all got married, had kids, have friends and great jobs. I think, true to it’s name, its a spectrum and a lot of people will have perfectly normal lives once they find their people.

   6. I know this is such a typical response but honestly it’s a spectrum. My husband was diagnosed with aspergers in his early 30s. He had a horrific time in school (compounded by a difficult family situation) but blossomed as he grew up and moved away. He’s now a terrific husband (albeit infuriatingly literal), amazing father, and a really compassionate boss, because he gets what it’s like to struggle through things. You’re doing the right thing, getting your kiddo help early.

      1. He sounds like an empathetic boss. That doesn’t jibe with what I understand about autism. I’m not OP but I have a son who had/has some issues but ASD was ruled out precisely because he is empathetic.

         1. OP here.

            To give the benefit of the doubt to everyone who did ASD screening on my child previously (there is a big one at age 2), there seems to be a tendency to rule out anything ASD if your kid engages in imaginative play (mine does) or is empathetic (mine is). My kid’s struggles are with the fine-tuning of human interactions: looking at people while talking, not giving them a spontaneous well-meaning dissertation on My Little Pony (and noticing that your friends are bored, want to talk themselves, etc.), not running up to someone from behind and hugging them (may scare them, may make grannie fall, may be unwelcome), not bouncing around when talking to others, LISTENING, not forgetting to chew with a closed mouth, following boring things step by step (this may be the ADD). It’s like why some people ace interviews and some just cannot.

            It’s really having to speak to them and instruct the fine-tuning of interactions (that many of the rest of us grasp intuitively).

            1. That’s interesting. My son ended up being diagnosed with Sensory Integration Disorder, which for him meant he needed a strong touch and a feeling of weight so that he didn’t feel like he was floating in space. So he did some of the behaviors you’re describing like the hugging and bouncing.

               He’s 16 and pretty much over it but can still be a bit to physical. He’s a big guy (6’2”, 220) and it’s like a big dog who thinks he’s still a puppy and wants to sit in your lap.

            2. Sister of someone with Asperger’s here – none of that really describes Asperger’s to me. It just sounds like a combination of general social awkwardness and ADD. Social awkwardness and Asperger’s are not synonymous, even though a lot of people think they are.

            3. My 5-year-old is on the spectrum, but he would not have been an Aspie. (Possibly Einstein Syndrome, but we’ll see.) Check out Michelle Garcia Winner’s works — tons of help with social stuff like that — and even the book “Talkability” by Hanen Centre. You may also want to see if there’s a free sensory consult at your local library, or with a local OT.

            4. For the sister, IDK what says ASD1 to a clinician in all that I wrote, but it seemed obvious to her. These are the things that I see causing difficulties with others for my child (not sure exactly how school goes; in day care, this was maybe less pronounced? less pronounced with more play time and less structure?).

            5. My daughter is a bit younger than yours, but her issues sound similar. She received a diagnosis of social communication disorder when she was around 2 yrs old. It’s an autism-related diagnosis, but not on the spectrum. Her (second) evaluation included a developmental MD/psychologist as well as SPL and OT, and meeting with a social worker. Her first evaluation, with just a local developmental ped, resulted in an ASD which we did not believe really addressed her issues. Anyway, I say this because I was not aware of the wide world of autism-related diagnoses; it’s not just ASD or nothing.

         2. The idea that empathy is inconsistent with autism is out-of-date.

            1. +1 million

   7. My brother-in-law (late 40s) has Asperger’s (he prefers that term, despite it being removed from official use). He was too old for it to be caught in school (the concept didn’t become commonly known until later), so he was just “the weird smart kid”. He was quiet and school was effortless for him, but he was constantly picked on and his siblings fought his battles for him.

      He really struggles to fit into society. He is incredibly stubborn that his way is the right way, and so he gets set on behaviors that aren’t conducive to functioning as a working adult (like he refuses to use an alarm clock, because “your body wakes you up when it’s ready and it’s unnatural to force it”). He also has this explosive rage in him that manifests whenever his social ineptitude causes problems in public.

      The young adults I know who had intervention as children are SO much better off than BIL. I can’t stress enough how valuable it is to start as early as possible. In particular (since you mention your child is sincere) I think teaching them about sarcasm/irony/figurative language/facial expressions is one of the top priorities. BIL badly fails at this and it causes him so many issues (to the point that the family has basically forbidden him from going to bars alone, since his literalism causes fights).

      1. I feel like this is as much of a story about what we let men get away with as it is a story about regrettable ASD outcomes. How many autistic women treat people this way?

   8. I have a spectrum disorder (NLD). I was never bullied at school, the teachers loved me for being quiet, hard working, and compliant, and I had friends insofar as I was willing to mask, but I was deeply unhappy.

      A big problem was that I wasn’t developmentally in sync with my same-age peers (I was a 2e advanced learner with developmental delays). I hid my special interests at school, because other nine year olds understandably don’t care about advances in veterinary science since the time of James Harriet or the influence of serial publication on Victorian novels, etc.

      At the same time, I imitated rules of social interaction that I couldn’t follow (laughing when others laughed at jokes that flew past my head, etc.). I cultivated knee jerk sarcasm, even though it always felt wrong. I was a kind of sensitive kid who loved animals (maybe like the fairy child above), and at school I honestly felt like my soul was being sucked out of me or like I was becoming a bad person (again, I was missing social nuances, so at the time lot of social norms that I can appreciate now seemed downright cruel).

      In general, socialization on the spectrum does not happen by exposure alone–explicit, asynchronous instruction is what helps! I would add that it’s a neurotypical capacity to learn the social rules of “school” and then flexibly adapt these rules to college, to adulthood, to middle age, and so on. On the spectrum, it’s enough work to learn one set of social norms, so it’s wise to focus on the ones that will last the longest (the social norms that will serve us well as independent adults are very different from what will make us popular in 4th or 11th grade. I think people who are not on the spectrum often experience these changes very fluidly and fail to recognize just poorly the skills learned in a school environment transfer to any adult setting).

      For me, quitting school (in favor of a variety of alternatives) saved me. There may be better alternative school environments or better accommodations these days (though I’m still skeptical that 2e can be accommodated in an age-segregated classroom setting). But I’ll always be grateful that my parents listened to me and not to the experts whose real goal was just to make me get with the program. That is the path to autistic burnout.

7. How do you know when to stop giving someone a chance when going on dates? My friends have accused me of being picky so I am trying not to cut things off too soon, but I haven’t yet had a result that’s different from my initial reaction by giving it more time.

   For instance, I recently met someone who checks my theoretical boxes, we’ve been on three dates where conversation is okay but not amazing, at nice places where he paid for everything, and he seems genuinely interested and like a good person. I have an okay time on the dates but not much more. He’ll send me a text and I won’t be excited to receive/answer it.

   I don’t know at what point it’s okay to just give up. I’m having a really hard time finding someone I like, so maybe I am rejecting people I shouldn’t…but I haven’t yet changed my initial impression of a guy after allowing time for more interaction.

   1. Three dates is way more than enough time. You wouldn’t want to be with someone who isn’t excited to be with you, that guy doesn’t want that either.

      Maybe reconsider your selection criteria? Are you ruling out men you might be more excited about for some reason? Are you super picky about anything – job, height, etc? Are you looking too closely at the quality of someone’s pics rather than what they actually look like (I’m super guilty of this!)?

      But not excited after actual dates is more than time to give up.

      1. My main pickiness is that I really like having intellectual conversations and feel like I need to be with someone who’s really traditionally book smart, so I look for that. I also have a hard time not rejecting men who are more than a bit overweight or who are bald unless they seem amazing in some other way.

         Actually I probably also do as you say and judge by things like picture quality/quality of writing in profile…but if they’re serious why wouldn’t they do a half decent job at those things? I’m sure I get judged on that as well…

         1. Welp, we all get to make our own choices! Yours seem shallow, narrow minded, and like you’re committed to closing yourself off to possibilities, but you’re entitled to do that!

            1. Who hurt you? Seek help.

         2. “I also have a hard time not rejecting men who are more than a bit overweight or who are bald unless they seem amazing in some other way.”
            Reality check: most guys, later in life, end up a bit overweight and/or bald. Don’t assume that the rock-hard abs and full head of hair you see in pictures now are going to persist into middle age and beyond. I get that we all have our preferences, but you may be passing up some great guys just because they have a little beer belly or are rocking an Ed Harris look.
            “but if they’re serious why wouldn’t they do a half decent job at those things? I’m sure I get judged on that as well…”
            Because they’re dudes, and very honestly most of them (even the slightly overweight/bald ones) don’t have to do that much to be successful on a dating app. I think a lot of guys just don’t put the same thought into dating profile pictures that women do because it’s just not on their radar. I actually believe that the slicker/more engineered the photo, the more likely it is the guy is a player, a narcissist, etc. Because those types are trying to game the dating app to get attention and know what women like to see.
            Try this experiment: go out on a few dates with some guys who, from their profile, appear book-smart and articulate and don’t worry as much about the quality of their photos, or maybe even their appearance (although don’t bother going out with people whose photos make you go “ew” right off the bat, obviously). If the dates are better/more fun, or you make more connections (even just friendly ones) – that’s probably a sign you should change your focus when you’re scrolling through profiles.

            1. Doesn’t sound like it’s ‘a little bit of a beer belly’ that’s she’s rejecting, it’s people who are significantly overweight. And some people DO prioritize keeping themselves up into middle age and beyond. I seriously don’t get the impression that she’s rejecting anyone who doesn’t have a 6 pack. You’re projecting.

            2. Yes, S is correct. A little beer belly is okay, but sometimes I get nice messages from men who are substantially overweight and I can’t get into it.

            3. S – LOL, I’m a woman married to a man and not looking for anyone so nope, not “projecting.” I am deeply sorry for whatever happened to you in your life that made you so bitter and angry but here’s some actual projecting: I bet your bitterness and anger is not a great look for you. Therapy can help so you don’t feel compelled to lash out at strangers on the Internet to vent your anger and frustration at how your life has turned out. Big hugs!

         3. This is a lot but I’ve had such a similar experience I feel compelled to respond. There is nothing wrong with wanting particular attributes, but I think your friends are right to a small degree, but mainly with respect to your perspective on the “pickiness” not the attributes you value themselves:

            1) What I found when I was dating that turning my “requirements” into “preferences” mentally changed my outlook and opened up a new universe of guys. I found that with guys I really liked those preferences honestly mattered a lot less. For example the “traditionally book smart” thing, I used to want a guy that was an “intellectual” in a common use sense and they were often kind of boring or liked to debate . Instead I started dating guys who were generally smart and capable of intellectual conversation but not necessarily into “intellectual” things – whatever that means- (i.e. can discuss philosophy and politics but only in context of a show/play or if I bring it up) but and I started having way more fun.
            2. You may want to open up your physical standards a smidge, especially as you get older (thinking of the balding here – lots of good men bald). Not saying you should date someone that you’re not attracted to but rejecting things like balding/thinning hair that are an easy physical fix (good hair cut) or minor physical flaws that don’t indicate an associated lifestyle incompatibility will open up a lot of good people to you.
            3. You’re judging dating profiles WAY too seriously. People aren’t going to spend a lot of time crafting a perfectly worded, perfect sentence structure, engaging profile text. And not everyone has access to an amazing camera. And not everyone photographs well. You need to assess the profiles a lot less critically (I mean seriously judging the quality of writing like its an essay?) and look more at “is this person probably actually attractive in real life” v. “bad pic” and “does this seem like someone I’d be interested” rather than “his about me section isn’t amazing”

            1. Thanks, this is all very helpful. I think maybe I portrayed myself as more judgmental than I am related to profile quality…I agree it is silly to judge like it’s an essay.

         4. I look for the same thing. I am on swiping apps so my advice is based on that. What I look for is any indication that the person reads – a mention in the profile, something in a photo, job as a professor, etc. Then, unless the person has other obvious deal breakers (smoker), I swipe right even if they aren’t immediately super appealing. And I ask them what they like to read, etc, and steer the chat in that direction. If it seems like we can have a good conversation, then I agree (or ask for) a date. I try to be generous about quality of pics and writing – I have several male friends who are great IRL but the way they wrote their profile was somehow off-putting, and they didn’t realize it until I pointed it out.

            One date is usually enough for me to decide if I want to spend more time with this person or not. If the conversation isn’t flowing, after two drinks, I don’t bother further.

            And maybe give the baldies a chance! I know many great ones.

            1. Thanks, this is all helpful.

         5. On the intellectual conversations point, I wonder if 3 dates is really enough to get someone to really engage with you in that way. On early dates I think people are on their “best behavior” and treading carefully so they might be afraid to engage in more spirited/intense conversation even if they enjoy it. I might consider making your second/third date something that prompts the type of intellectual conversations you like to have (i..e, going to a museum, lecture, concert, documentary, etc.). I enjoy rigorous conversations (both intellectual and emotional) but I don’t generally have them with people until I get to know them better. I’m not sure 3 dates would be enough because I take a little longer to open up.

            Also, if you live in NYC I know a few eligible men who are tall, fit, not balding and enjoy spirited intellectual conversation!

            1. I do live in NYC. OMG you would be my hero if you found a suitable dude for me.

            2. PS if you meant your comment seriously…you can reach me at collateral.light at gmai1. no worries if not, though! :)

               And you make a good point about it being hard to have these rigorous conversations before you know someone well. Especially since so many guys who are my type are a bit reserved by nature. I will certainly try making the second/third date the kind of activity you describe.

         6. I don’t think its overly shallow. Intellectual conversations are important. Being with someone who eats healthy and exercises is important. If they are intellectual, then they will likely have a well written profile.

            1. The level of comfort people have with openly hating fat people is just way too high. Don’t date us if you don’t want to. But I eat healthy and exercise regularly and am still, and always have been, fat.

            2. This is OP…I just want to say I don’t hate fat people, or people who don’t like intellectual conversations, or anyone else I don’t want to date unless they seem to be jerks.

            3. Our hearts want what they want, but while I dearly love my husband, after 11 years and 2 kids, I’m often like, OMG, can you put down the 800 page biography and change a damn light bulb? Intellectualism only goes so far!

            4. Haha, fair point. But for myself, I only wish I had that problem.

            5. People’s jobs and education are a really bad representative of how much intelligent conversation they can engage in. I am a secretary with a BA in a subject so complicated many of the professors I have gone on dates with who don’t understand my undergrad thesis. I will probably never get another degree or a more “professional” job (I’m a highly skilled career admin but I know many folks do not recognize that as “professional”). I read philosophy books for fun. If you open your eyes you will see a lot more smart and interesting men around you then you are right now!

         7. For the bald thing, unfortunately a lot of men start going bald in their 30’s, sometimes earlier, and there’s not a whole lot they can do about that. People generally have at least a little control over their weight, but that gets harder as people get older. Be into what you’re into, but remember that people’s bodies change, and think about how it would feel if someone rejected you because you weren’t thin enough, or your breasts weren’t big enough or you had some age-appropriate lines around your eyes (not sure how old you are, I started getting faint lines at 29 despite being excellent with sunscreen). No one looks young forever.

            I might instead look at how well he’s taking care of himself – whether he cares about nutrition and staying active – and how he dresses himself. Does he look sharp and put together, or does he look a bit sloppy? That can give you clues as to how much pride he takes in his appearance. But really, appearance aside, I look at whether I’m having fun with this person, and whether being with them gives me those giddy bubbles and butterflies, or whether I’m going home feeling like I wasted an evening that could’ve been better spent spent working out, having drinks with a friend, or catching up on my shows.

   2. I struggle with this a bit too, and find doing something other than dinner helpful. After three dates which have been fine (or preferably after 2 for me), I want to get out of the box a bit and go do something together. Museum. Park. Painting. Mini golf. Salsa class. Sometimes it’s really opened both of us up and I’ve been happy about it! Sometimes it confirms that it isn’t a match for me.

   3. It took me about 4-6 weeks (probably 6 dates) for me to go from meeting him to thinking of him as a friend and being interested to meet his younger brother (shared hobby), to wanting to date him. We’ve been married 15 years now. He was interested in me right away but he wasn’t my ‘type’ (not that tall, blonde, beard) so I had sort of ruled him out before I got to know him.

      Are you giving yourself a timeline for when you have to decide? If you like hanging out with him, why not continue? There’s no rule that by 3 dates you’ll know. I would give longer to someone I met through friends vs online as my friends know me so clearly they saw something there if they thought it would be a good match.

      1. Interesting. I don’t have a timeline, but first of all I have limited time to date so want to spend it well, and I feel bad “taking advantage” of someone continuing to pay for my meals (even though I do offer), and also there becomes this pressure about things getting physical and it’s very hard for me to fake that (although this isn’t true of the guy I wrote about above, who has only hugged me).

         I’m not sure whether I LIKE hanging out with him…it’s fine but not necessarily better than spending time alone doing something I like.

         1. Going out for dinner is hard because it feels like pressure to be romantic. In the 4-6 weeks before I realized I was into DH, we went out for a beer once, he invited me to come skiing in a group situation (I paid for myself), I invited him to a free art show. I don’t think we actually went out for dinner until after we were dating like a month?

            Be open with him and say you enjoy spending him together (if that’s true) but you’re not sure you’re getting a romantic vibe yet so how about xyz activity on the weekend, because you would like to hang out a bit more to see where it goes.

         2. Insist on paying for second dates. It isn’t hard.

            1. THIS

               Or do free things, like go play tennis is a park.

               You aren’t taking advantage, you’re just doing activities together. Otherwise, the awkwardness ramps up, as does the sense of taking advantage / being taken advantage of.

            2. And just say no to physical intimacy that you don’t want. Also, not hard.

   4. Your last sentence is all you need to know: YOU, personally, have never changed your mind about someone by spending more time with them. Other people may be different, but if you know this about yourself, trust it.

      FWIW, I am always suspicious of anyone saying a single woman is too “picky.” Why shouldn’t she be?

      1. Whenever I say someone is “too picky,” what I mean is, if someone is single and doesn’t want to be, they should consider changing their approach, because it doesn’t make sense to expect different results without making any change. Maybe that’s trying different ways to meet people, moving to a new city, etc., but more often, the easiest thing to do is be less picky, and make the trade-off that having a less-than-ideal partner is worth it to not be alone. But the opposite choice is equally valid, too: remaining single until someone who meets all one’s standards comes along and is interested. But recognize that it is a choice.

         1. +1 of course a woman is entitled to be as picky as she wants but not being open to dating certain types of people necessarily makes it more likely they will stay single. That’s just how the numbers work.

            I also have a ton of friends (plus myself) who are happily married to men who at an earlier point in their life wouldn’t have met their standards. I have no idea whether that’s the case here but sometimes being less picky does lend itself to finding someone who ends up being amazing in surprising ways.

      2. In my experience with my two best friends, they were and are picky, but they’re also both still single. Which, if that makes you happy, is great. But I know for a fact that one of them is really unhappy about being single, knows that a lot of it is being picky, and doesn’t know how to stop it at this point. We are in our early 50s now and have been a gang of good friends for 20 years.

         1. This. Sometimes perfection is the enemy of good. It’s okay to prioritize an amazing ‘perfect’ relationship/marriage but that might mean you miss out on a satisfactory/good one. There’s no right or wrong, just different priorities.

         2. Right. I have a couple of friends from high school who have never been married (we’re in our mid-forties now). Both moan and groan and lament about being perpetually single – there is no “hey, I’m single but I’m cool with it” attitude from them and never has been – but they have basically reached a point where we believe they are going to be single forever, because literally no one on Earth is good enough or will capitulate to their whims enough to have them agree to stick out a relationship. It comes down to, does someone want to have a partner (which comes with an unavoidable inherent set of complications, frustrations and drawbacks, as well as advantages) or does someone want to be single (which also has an unavoidable inherent set of complications, frustrations and drawbacks, as well as advantages). Which does someone want more? Because no one gets everything they want in this life. Literally everyone on Earth has some kind of flaw, imperfection, less-than-ideal condition that someone else will have to get over or live with if they are partnered with that person. I believe in being *selective* about a partner, but picky people who look for flaws – or who want to hold out for the perfect “spark” with someone (which BTW, will not last) tend to stay single. There’s nothing wrong with being single if someone can get right with it and be happy. There is something wrong with being single, being unhappy about it, complaining about it to everyone, but not being willing to compromise even a little on any of your standards.

   5. This rubs me the wrong way:

      >at nice places where he paid for everything

      Why is this checking the boxes? Why wouldn’t you offer to split the bill or pay every other time, especially over the course of several dates?

      1. I think this is a reading comprehension fail. That wasn’t one of her “boxes”, she was just describing their interactions up to this date and I think giving an indication that he likes her and is really trying by taking her on dates to nice places. This really isn’t the thing to focus on.

         1. yes, exactly, thanks!

      2. I didn’t mean to say this was a box to check, sorry for wording confusion. I do think it’s a sign that he’s genuinely interested. I always offer to pay.

   6. You may just not be vibing with those guys, and that’s fine. Chemistry is important and can’t be manufactured. On the other hand, there’s a chance you have an avoidant attachment style which would make it hard to feel chemistry even if it has the potential to be there. Based on your post, I have no idea which is the culprit. Might be time to do some reflection in this regard!

      1. My initial reaction is to give them more time, and do more interactive things instead of dinner. Dinner at nice restaurants is just so high pressure, and I don’t think let’s many people’s personalities shine. When I’m building new friendships, we are not doing fancy dinners – we are doing activities we both enjoy.

         But that’s because I’ve recently learned realize that I’m only initially attracted to unavailable guys (in a relationship, not looking for anything serious). When I start dating somebody and my initial reaction is “he would make a great friend“, I’m giving it more time to see if something develops. Part of what made me realize this pattern is when a friend pointed out that all of my long relationships have started as friendships.

   7. Agree with others that you should lower your initial screening standards. I’ve had so many friends that had “lists” and then the person who ended up their spouse didn’t meet half the criteria on the list. My cousin (male) infamously had a list of 30 items that he “required” from a girl. His wife, who he is very happily married to, maybe checks 10 of the boxes, and none of them are the physical requirements.

   8. Are you physically attracted to any of these guys?

      1. (And by that I don’t mean a checklist of hair, height, weight. I mean do you want to bang them after you’ve had a glass of wine)

         1. No, I don’t. I’m not repulsed by them or anything (people like that I don’t go on a first date with), but don’t feel attracted either. In my past experience I usually know after an hour on the first date if I want to bang someone, but given that I am currently single and don’t want to be, and my friends are like “give people who seem okay more of a chance to grow on you,” I am…trying to see if that happens.

            1. Everyone is wired differently but I would only be excited to receive a follow up text from someone I was physically attracted to. And not from a picture, more from our interaction on the first date – heavy flirting, eye contact, all the stuff that gives me butterflies. I probably wouldn’t do a second date with someone I didn’t have an inkling of this with.

               I also think you should strongly insist on splitting the bill on a first date. It will make the playing field more level and will alleviate any guilt about taking advantage. I 100% did that (I dated a lot before I met my husband) and it really helped me look forward to first dates. It is not hard at all to insist on splitting it.

            2. I’m in mo d. To summarize, No second dates with someone you don’t feel physically attracted to (not from the pic, but from the interaction) and always split the check.

            3. If you expect insta attraction in the first hour, I don’t see how you end up in a relationship. Sure insta attraction happens sometimes, but certainly not always. Between myself, my sister and my two BFFs, none of us knew at first interaction that someone was ‘the one’. Life isn’t a rom -com where there is instant attraction in the first hour occurs every time.

            4. if thats her attraction pattern thats her attraction pattern. some people know right away! but i would suggest expanding past the obvious criteria and trying out men who are smart and attractive but maybe in the less obvious ways.

            5. I think different people are different on this point. I always know within an hour of a date, usually less, if there is an attraction. I’ve never developed an attraction after that, unless the initial context was not a date (i.e work crush). For me personally, either there is chemistry or there isn’t.

            6. Right, and I said everyone is wired differently. But for me, if I don’t want to bang a guy after a glass of wine, then I’m not going to be excited about another date. I’m married to a man who I wanted to go to bed with the minute I met him. We’ve been married 20 years now, and the fact that I still get tingly around him gets us through a lot of the inevitable crappy not-fun stuff about being married.

         2. This is such a good way of defining physical attraction. Every single time, that’s how I know. I usually know before the wine, but the wine makes it clear. If I want to run in the other direction, it doesn’t matter how great he is on paper.

            Don’t let anyone tell you that feeling excited about and attracted to the men you date isn’t important. You get to choose! If it means you’re single for longer, so be it. It’ll be worth the wait.

8. I’m looking for vacation suggestions for my upcoming 40th birthday. Two friends and I have agreed to do destination trips for our milestone birthdays, and for our thirtieths we went to Vegas, Puerto Rico, and a ski trip. This time around they’ve chosen Ireland and the Florida Keys, but I’m stumped on what to choose for my trip. My birthday is in February, and we’ll be going away for only 4-7 days. Most of my bucket list items are not February-friendly (Alaska, Banff). I’ve been to the Caribbean, NYC, and San Diego a few times. Any ideas?

   1. How fun! do you want international or domestic? I loved Charleston. You could do Banff then and make it a ski trip. Iceland? Mexico City is supposed to be great. Nashville?

   2. Banff is incredible in February if you ski!

      February is also the perfect time to go to Costa Rica.

   3. Why are you ruling out Banff? Even if you don’t ski, there’s lots to do. You could also split time with Lake Louise (or do a day trip there) for skating on the lake which is spectacular.

      If you’re looking for something memorable, maybe the Grand Canyon if you haven’t done that?

      1. I didn’t know there were so many non-skiing Banff activities! The ski trip for our thirtieths was my idea, but despite all the lessons, I am more suited to just falling down mountains. It might be fun to do Banff in the winter, then come back later and see it in the summer.

         1. http://banffandbeyond.com/winter-activities-in-banff-and-lake-louise-for-non-skiers/

   4. Hawaii, Palm Springs, Austin? Those are my Feb. escapes.

   5. Belize

      1. +1 recently had a fantastic trip to Belize, there’s something there for everyone!

   6. Napa is gorgeous in February.

   7. Check out Martinique or Guadeloupe for warm and off the beaten path. Tropical weather plus french pastries.

      1. +1 for Guadeloupe. Plus, very cheap flights on Norwegian Air!

   8. Hmmmm… February in New Orleans is lovely (although some rain) but unless you really want to experience Mardi Gras, don’t come for Mardi Gras. Also, know that after Mardi Gras, when Lent has just started, the city is pretty dead.

   9. Dominican Republic! jk

   10. Austin in February is nice!

9. What are some of your favorite (inexpensive, preferably) teambuilding activities? I’d like to do something this summer with my team and am looking for ideas. There are 9 of us total. I want to be careful about super-physical stuff because one person is in her 60’s and is not as active as the rest of us — she could certainly go for a walk, for example, but not a ropes course or anything like that. So far all I’ve come up with is an escape room, which isn’t my favorite idea. I plan to do the teambuilding activity and then we’ll go for dinner/snacks/appetizers/happy hour afterwards. I’d love any creative thoughts from this group!

   1. I went to a ping pong bar for the first time this week and it was great fun. You can play as actively as you want.

   2. Wine tasting. Cooking class.

      1. I’ve done a cooking class teambuilding activity and it was great.

   3. Just did an escape room with my team and it was fun. DH is doing one with his team next week. Painting with a twist, bowling, not sure where you live, but one time we went on a boat tour of the city. The way we do it in our office is we do the activity and then lunch and everyone gets to go home early! I’d highly recommend that approach if possible rather than something that bleeds into after work time

      1. I like the idea of a paint night (mine are always with adult beverages!) it forces people to be creative, you can joke around and talk while you’re painting. low activity…

      2. Escape rooms are great teambuilding activities!

   4. Whatever you choose, highly recommend that it be kept within work hours to avoid resentment — it is a work activity, after all. For that reason, I’d pick an afternoon activity followed by early happy hour (say, 4:30-5:30) OR a morning activity followed by lunch and early dismissal.

      Scavenger hunt around your city where the last clue gets you to the happy hour? Cooking class where each group focuses on one part of the meal and then you eat it all together?

      1. Yep definitely not planning to bleed into post-work time. Thanks for these suggestions…keep them coming!

   5. Thanks for being thoughtful about people’s abilities. I always feel bad when there’s a ropes course activity and one poor soul with a hip replacement who has to sit on the sidelines. Kind of a fail for a team builder, IMO.

      Love the scavenger hunt idea, though that sounds like it would require some work. What industry are you in? Is there a “behind the scenes” type tour you could take that has to do with your work field, that would put what you do in context of the larger industry?

   6. A Dave and Buster’s style place, where people can choose specific activities (bowling, ski-ball, video games, etc.).

   7. Board games, depending on the size of your team. There are great grownup options now, including cooperative ones that are still truly challenging. Lots of reviews online, but my personal favorites are Pandemic and Carcassone.

   8. Maybe one of those painting classes? Then everyone can hang their beautiful works of art in their offices, ha!

      1. I love those! They’re great for teambuilding, because there’s lots of time to chat, plus it’s super cool to see everyone’s variations on the theme.

   9. Shuffleboard? Good for a mixed crowd, not terribly physical, and even if someone wants to not play it is easy to socially participate from the sidelines.

   10. I’ve done a mystery night for team building. Kinda like Clue with teams of 3-4. I think you can hire someone to run it or someone provides a kit with instructions, props etc. There was also one that had a variety of brain teasers, like puzzles and riddles etc that the teams had to figure out.

   11. This is a very random and specific example, but I went to a party (and then subsequently hosted on) with a woman who did hand analysis. It’s not fortune-telling, it’s reading the lines on your palm to learn more about your talents, motivations, etc. Take it with a grain of salt, of course. But the woman who did the readings was amazing … just so down to earth and kind, and amazing. So I hosted a party with a group of girlfriends and it was like a mini-therapy session … just tapping in to what each of us loves to do, maybe wishes she were doing more of, thinking about our potentials and opportunities. It really brought all of us together in a really special way.

       That may be more touchy-feely than you want for a work event, and you may not have a hand analyst in your town! but in terms of making people feel really good about themselves, and each other … it was a powerful experience.

       So, just an idea that maybe will bring up some other ideas for you!

       My other suggestion would be to have a poker pro come in and teach everyone how to play poker.

10. Anyone have any good recommendations for a bandeau bra? I’m small-chested and struggle with regular strapless bras staying up, and I think that a bandeau would be a great solution, but don’t know where to start. Thanks!

    1. What’s the occasion, everyday? Or like, a wedding/bridesmaid situation? For the latter, a longline bra was SO much more comfortable and flattering than a regular strapless.
       Despite their instagram ads, the lively strapless bra was literally the most uncomfortable one I’ve ever tried in my life. I do like thirdlove, do they have a strapless?

       1. Things like wearing boatneck tees or other times I don’t want straps to show. Not for dressy attire, I’ll live with a strapless bra for those occasions. I have longline bras that I like a lot, but they have straps – do you mean a longline strapless bra? I could look for that. I did try thirdlove and had pretty bad fit issues even after two tries.

          1. Also had a hard time with thirdlove’s fit. Had one of their original Demi cup and it was sized so weird when with their measuring app and my measurements. The cups were too small, but also too big. The straps and band dug in. I tried three sizes and stuck with one but got rid of it after about 6 months I hated it so much.

    2. If you have a bra that stays up pretty well without the straps, like a Demi cup bra, then cut the straps off. I find this a much better solution than buying a traditional strapless bra because there are so many more choices for traditional bras, it’s much easier to find one that really fits.

       1. That’s a good thought.

          1. You might also try going down a band size for this purpose (as most women wear too large a band and too small a cup)

    3. I’m small-chested (34A) and also have a hard time with this. I just bought one from Harper Wilde that so far seems perfect. I also have one that was something like Felisa “bra of the year” from Amazon that I also like but it’s more of a push up.

11. So here’s a question I really don’t feel comfortable asking my friends IRL. I realize this probably varies wildly from person to person, and relationship to relationship… When gardening with your partner, what percentage of the time would you say you, errrr, bloom? For my partner, it’s every time. For me, maybe 20% of the time. I enjoy the other 80%. But I am starting to wonder if I am settling here. I’d be very happy with 50%. Interested to hear others’ experiences.

    1. 100% of the time. But we use a gardening tool and I’ve been married for 12 years, so it’s not like we’re new to each other.

       1. Same here.

       2. +1 (but 10 years). Pry the magic wand from my cold dead hands.

    2. I would say mine is flipped – 80% of the time I do, 20% of the time I don’t.

    3. Every time. It’s unusual that I don’t.

    4. Every time. But from, er, tilling the soil as opposed to the planting…

    5. Mostly at every time, usually twice. Usually DH will help me ‘bloom’ before the garden is plowed at least once (sometimes twice), then usually one or twice during. He’s a bit sensitive if it doesn’t happen for me or only happens once. Usually I’ll give him a heads up if I’m tired and don’t think it will happen this time (I get ticklish when I’m tired which means things that usually help me bloom, make me giggle). I did fake once and told him about it the next day because it felt like lying. He was pretty hurt that I’d done that and we agreed I wouldn’t do it again and he’d not take it too seriously if I don’t ‘bloom’ sometimes.

       1. Lol I thought I was weird, I’m so glad I’m not the only one this happens to (the ticklish thing)

       2. Wow, you are so lucky! When my ex was sober enough AND wanted to garden, he was able to satisfy himself all of the time doing what he wanted (me being on the bottom), and I think I was only satisfied about 10% of the time, mostly b/c he had to go first, and he never seemed to care about me AFTER he was spent. FOOEY on him! Very selfish. Within the 10% I did get some satisfaction, I say that 9% was with me doing what I needed w/o his involvement using my special Babeland electric gardening tool, which Myrna gave me. It is a great substitute for any schmoe with limpadema. Yay for Babeland!

    6. 80% of the time. Honestly at 20% we would have had a conversation and without change, would have ended the relationship. If you know how to bring yourself to bloom, why haven’t you taught your partner?

    7. Similar to you, but it’s about the journey not the destination! And I may till the soil at other times without guilt. Totally different objective and doesn’t need to go 1:1 with regular gardening IMO.

    8. If you’re genuinely enjoying it, but not blooming; I wouldn’t stress too much about it. Sometimes putting too much focus on the big finish can actually prevent you from having it. Within my close friends, there are people who bloom anywhere from 30%-300% of the time. It seems that everyone has a different rate- especially with heterosexual couples.

       That being said, take some time alone to garden- find out if you bloom 100% of the time while solo? are there certain techniques that help you get there? Discuss your findings with your partner, call in a s*x therapist if you’re having trouble discussing this with your partner.

       1. “Sometimes putting too much focus on the big finish can actually prevent you from having it.”

          YES, I think this is a very big part of the problem for me! I really try not to focus to much on it, but that just ends up with more “trying” to do/not to things, which isn’t helpful.

          I really do enjoy the experience 100% of the time, but I guess the fact that I’m wishing for a little more is the answer for me in and of itself.

          To answer thehungryaccountant, I would say blooming happens 98% of the time while solo.

          Thanks for all the responses before. I really appreciate it and would love to hear more perspectives too!

          1. I’d also recommend talking about gardening with other women you feel comfortable with. I think my s*xual health improved when I was more vulnerable and open with close friends because that led to me being more honest with my partners about what I wanted/needed. Cheers to you for starting this journey!

       2. Book recommendation – Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

    9. Almost never. I enjoy it even when I don’t though.

       1. Same. Or maybe like 20% of the time. And always before the main act via manual or or@l; never from P-in-V. I’m ok with that.

    10. 100% Every once in a while a gardening tool is used. Usually if i’m stressed and my mind is getting in the way. Note that this is always from ’tilling the soil as opposed to planting’ (love that analogy!) I enjoy the planting, but it never leads to bloom.
        This has not been the norm in previous relationships! I’ve always thought it was normal not to bloom regularly. I also felt pressure to bloom quickly and faked it often. Started this relationship with VERY open communication and its made a world of difference. Faking a bloom does nobody any good!

    11. Never because of just plain planting. I have no shame about tilling while DH is planting, though. He also will happily till beforehand or during (it depends on what I want/feel like) so I end up with about 90% of the time. I do still enjoy the other 10%. (And I also till solo occasionally.)

    12. Can we tone down the gardening analogy? It’s gotten to the point of absurdity. I get that it originally started so NSFW words wouldn’t be front and center on the screen, but not EVERY act needs to be given a tee-hee euphemism.

        1. To each their own. I love it and much prefer it when I’m reading at work.

        2. Yeah I totally hate it. It feels very middle school to me.

        3. No, because some people like it and it’s also a way to avoid getting stuck in comment purgatory. But no one is making you read them or use them yourself.

        4. I think it’s a riot. Cool your jets.

           1. This. it’s funny.

        5. I disagree. The use of the term is a simple (and G rated) way of describing a physical act without using crude words that are often screened out and moderated. If you feel uncomfortable, as the Supreme Court once said, “you are free to avert your eyes”. But seriously, this is not grade school. We did not learn about this until 10th grade, and in college we referred to it as “the big O”. Do you really want us to start using that?

        6. How else would you suggest people avoid moderation on this topic?

           1. Most of the words don’t actually send you to mod. You can also use euphemisms like P in V that are less cutesy.

        7. I love the analogies! Otherwise it’s NSFW!

    13. Only around 30% of women reliably climax from penetration alone, just in case anyone is reading this and feeling abnormal. (Or worse yet, in a relationship with a man who thinks his responsibility starts and stops with penetration.)

        1. Yep – I bloom 0% of the time with my husband.

        2. With my current SO I bloom 100%. He is good at getting me started, then once we start doing it together I do all the work on my on-button while doing P in V. Very reliable method.

    14. 100% of the time. Usually more than once. Is he doing anything to make sure you enjoy it? every body is different, the journey not the destination etc. but…..most women can finish on most occasions from the proper activities (different for every person, it sounds like you know what works for you – if you didn’t I would suggest experimenting alone first). If he’s not doing what it takes – he needs to start doing those things. If you aren’t comfortable enough with him to ask for those things, or to relax and enjoy them, I recommend doing some reading and possibly counseling. 20% is not very often and I’m guessing he can be doing more to prioritize your pleasure. Don’t settle!

    15. Zero percent. It makes things hard (and no, it’s not enjoyable anyway – my body just feels crummy and unsatisfied, like it would have been better to not get aroused).

12. Hi everyone! I posted a few weeks ago asking about places to move to from CA. We finally decided to move to the Seattle metro area – specifically Puyallup. We’ll be in a rental while we look for a place to buy/wait for our house to sell. I’m really happy, I have great friends here and we’ve always loved WA (Seahawk fans). When I asked myself “would I rather get up for work at 5:30 or have bad winters” it became really clear that WA was the place to be (5:30 because I’m a trader and work market hours). Thanks to those of you who gave your thoughts on snow!
    We’re moving with a Uhaul in about three weeks. I’m hiring a junk truck to get rid of a lot of our stuff. Do you have any moving tips? Any great checklists for moving out of state? I’ll be flying up ahead of the Uhaul… any tips for making the move go easier for everyone? I’m planning to get basics for the kitchen and all the bathrooms before the Uhaul gets here. We will have movers on both ends. I’ve talked to a health insurance broker and an agent for car/renter/umbrella insurance, so I’m on top of that. Thanks everyone!

    1. So glad to hear you’re making the move! Are you from the Bay Area? I remember your post, but I don’t remember if it was Bay Area specific. I recommend checking out Craigslist and Nextdoor for moving boxes – I got a ton that way. Make sure you include cleaning supplies in your “before the Uhaul” set of gear so you can do floors, etc. before all the boxes are moved in. Congrats and good luck!

       1. We are currently in Anaheim. I’m really excited about the financial side of this – our house will be about half the cost of our current house and we’ll be saving a ton of money. Thanks for the ideas and support!

    2. Congrats! Welcome to the neighborhood. Puyallup is more in the Tacoma metro area- really stretching the definition of Seattle metro area there. But it’s a nice area and the views of Rainier are heart eye emoji times five.

       1. Haha, that’s true. I’ve just been saying “Seattle metro” so people I know have a basic idea of where I’ll be. Good point!

    3. You did learn how to pronounce it, right? Because if not, you’ll be endlessly, endlessly mocked.

       1. I’ve heard differing opinions. Tell me how you say it. I googled it and have been saying it that way. I’ve also heard multiple pronunciations from people who live here!

          1. There is only one way to say it correctly, but I can’t write it any other way that Puyallup, because it seems perfectly phonetic to me. Find someone who grew up there to ask, any variation is coming from transplants.

             1. Not op but Puyallup looks like it would be pronounced “pile up” from how it is spelled and that is not even close!

                Pew ALL up is closer.

             2. Yup, I say pew-all-up. I haven’t heard Liz Bet’s pronunciation below.

          2. Pee-WALL-up

    4. Random but can you talk about your job? Do you trade for yourself or for a company that lets you live in places like Wash? How did you get into it? Do you do well for yourself? I’ve always been interested and know so few people in that space who i could ask.

       1. Sure! So, I trade stocks and options. I traded for a proprietary trading firm from 2007 – 2010 and then went back to school and had some other jobs. I didn’t know very much about trading when I started, but my dad was a venture capitalist so I had basic familiarity with markets. I ended up falling in love with it. Last year, I decided to start trading for myself and started again in February this year. I’m basically breakeven for the year, which I’m satisfied with considering that I’m still getting my groove back and have had to bench myself a few times for stuff like illness, funerals and now moving. If I’m not feeling resilient, I bench myself or trade a demo account (simulated trading). With the capital I have, I don’t anticipate covering living expenses for at least a few years – I just am focused on building my account and have other sources of income. Trading is what I love and am passionate about… but it’s a grind and it’s hard work. I definitely use my previous experience and skills a lot. I am very strict about stop losses – I have amounts that I’m allowed to lose daily, weekly and monthly. I don’t put more than 10% of capital in any one stock, especially overnight (more like .5-1% if I’m in options) and I usually don’t hold more than 3 positions at once because that’s what I can comfortably watch. On Twitter, I’m @akptrader and my email is traderakp07@gmail.com, if you would like to connect and ask questions. I also have a blog that’s my daily trading journal – traderakp.blogspot.com. I would be more than happy to answer questions, I love talking about trading and think more women should try it. Studies have found that women are better traders for a variety of reasons.

13. Husband, I and three other lawyers have a cost share arrangement. Basically separate banking and practices but we share a space and staff. One of the lawyers is having a first kid. I sent out an email and everyone but husband responded and we agreed to a fairly large gift and a card for the lawyer who is expecting which has arrived and was appreciated. (We made sure it was something he and his partner would really appreciate).

    Husband believes that because we are friends with the lawyer we should buy an additional large gift when kid is born (he’s thinking a $200 bottle of champagne).

    Thoughts? Not a huge deal but I feel like we’ve done enough and nothing was done for me when I was pregnant.

    1. Um, if someone had shown up with champagne after I had had a kid I would have cracked it over someone’s skull. Come over and unload my dishwasher.

       1. +1 I would have graciously accepted it but secretly wished it was $200 worth of takeout or a meat/cheese/fruit tray.

       2. Huh? Nice attitude. Why – because you can’t drink it RIGHT then? I have zero interest in unloading my dishwasher let alone a friends.

          1. It’s just…champange/wine/alcohol is not a typical baby-birthing gift. Who even does that? Champange is for engagements/weddings or promotions or birthdays. But…not for birthing a baby? This is why people send food for new babies, because parents are too busy/worn out to cook. Or diapers. There are lots of things you can buy/send other than over-priced alcohol.

             Honestly, it feels like the givers are showing off instead of doing something that might actually be useful to/appreciated by the new parents. And thus making the gift-giving about the giver and not the recipient.

    2. I think a $200 bottle of champagne is silly. It’s like cigars in the delivery room for 2019.

       But, I’m sure a meal from a meal delivery service would be appreciated and a nice acknowledgement. I’ve also done edible arrangement (fruit) or flowers. (like more in the $50-75 range)

       1. Personally, I wouldn’t want someone choosing a meal service or giving me an Edible Arrangement. The latter takes up a lot of space and can go bad so quickly and many new upper-middle-class+ parents are eating organic or partially organic diets (a lot of the fruits on typical Edible Arrangements are on the Dirty Dozen list). Just stick with the group gift and a nice email when the baby arrives.

          1. I order the ones without strawberries in case there are allergies in the house. Melons (cantalope/honeydew) and pineapple aren’t on the list.

             Most people I know tend to freeze the fruit that isn’t used in the first day or so and use the frozen fruit in smoothies. I lived on smoothies when I was a new mom because I could drink them while nursing.

       2. YESSS agree on champagne. If you want to give them champagne get them half-bottles — a full bottle of champagne is a commitment that no one wants to make when they’ve got a newborn!! A nice bottle of wine would be better but not something bubbly that goes bad in a day or two.

    3. Wait so you are already participating in the group gift, but your husband wants to do something additional? I don’t think that’s necessary, but either prepared foods or gift cards for quick meals/caffeine seem more useful than super expensive Champagne. (If the parents are into wine, I could see getting a nice bottle to store for the child’s 21st, but Champagne won’t work for that — it will go bad/flat.)

       1. It can depend on the office though. I got an official ‘office’ gift and a couple close colleagues also gave something personal around the birth – e.g. sent flowers, a cute onesie etc.

    4. I think you could do a separate gift but champagne would be an odd one. I definitely wasn’t in a champagne mode early post part in with any of my kids. For adults, I’d say a meal or I have a friend fancy skincare once that was for her not baby? But only if you want to!

    5. If you decide to go with a meal, and I endorse that suggestion, do not show up with the meal and expect to be entertained in any way, including eating the meal with the new parents or even sitting in the couch and chatting about work. Drop the meal at the front door or have it delivered.

    6. If you decide on an additional gift, I agree that a meal would be more appreciated. Can you drop off some food once the baby is born? You could thrown in a favorite board book and an inexpensive 1/2 bottle of champagne if your husband feels compelled to give them bubbly. I get that it’s celebratory and nice, but a $200 bottle just seems hugely overkill and not what will be most appreciated. You can also point out to him that the b*feeding partner, if applicable, may only want a symbolic sip of champagne, if that, so one of those small bottles is better.

    7. An extra gift is unnecessary, but if you want, the best baby gift I received was a home-cooked meal in a cooler on my porch.

    8. Wow. Clearly husband and I deserve each other haha I think a $200 bottle of champagne would be awesome post baby and I would have been stoked if someone got me one.

       I just think it’s a bit much considering the couple in question didn’t really do anything for us when our kid was born (though we weren’t as tight back then I suppose).

       And I don’t get this making people casseroles or whatever thing, I mean they can just use Uber eats to get food from an actual food safe kitchen not some lawyers who can’t cook all that well anyway XD

14. I feel dumb asking this but….Is mid-town Manhattan safe at night? I am attending an evening event next week, and am staying at a hotel 2 blocks from the venue. The hotel is at 6th Ave and 37th Street. Can I plan to walk back to the hotel around 10:00 PM, or should I plan for cab/uber since I’ll be alone. I feel like walking will be quicker, but don’t want to do something unnecessarily dangerous out of sheer ignorance. TIA!

    1. That’s completely safe! Still lots of people out and about at that time, you’re right by Herald Square and the giant Macy’s. The area will still be bustling. :)

    2. Agree, that area at that time of night is completely safe and you have nothing to worry about.

    3. Totally! I wouldn’t even consider 10 that late by NYC standards.

    4. Completely safe.

    5. Totally safe. The Penn Station area (8th ave around low 30s) is inherently sketchy and dirty but still not unsafe, so just don’t venture past 7th ave in midtown if you don’t want to be exposed to some interesting scenes… Walking around late at night in NYC is one of my favorite activities!

    6. NYC is so safe*, it will skew your ability evaluate safety in other major metropolitan areas – speaking from experience. Midtown at 10 pm – even 2 am – is fine.

       * certain limited areas perhaps not, and ideally you never want to be somewhere where there’s no one on the street (which means, depending on neighborhood, like from 3-5 in the morning, usually).

    7. Thanks all!

    8. I do not know if you’re going to be staying on one of the Streets or directly on 6th Avenue, but it is generally safer on the avenue (tho it’s truly best to walk with someone else no matter when, as scuzzy people abound near Penn Station), but if you are on one of the Streets (any street other then 34th street), then once after dark you ABSOLUTELY MUST walk with someone else, or take an Uber. There are alot of smelley derelicts that live on the streets near Penn Station, and they often ask for money (at least $1, nowadays). They can be pushy and you do not want to have to be confronted, alone by some grungy guy who hasn’t bathed forever. Also, $-exueal things happen too. Myrna was grabbed by some doosh, and I’ve had my tuchus squeezed more times then I can count down there. FOOEY!

    9. Oh my goodness, yes. Some of my fondest memories from my 20s are walking through Manhattan around 2-3 a.m., alone. Keep your head on a swivel, walk with purpose, and as others have said, New York is the city that never sleeps, so you should be fine.

    10. Yep. I’d routinely walk home at 1 am after late nights in biglaw — midtown never really sleeps so midtown streets never even felt empty even at that hour. At 10 pm, people are still at dinner!

    11. midtown is basically a denser suburban shopping mall at this point

15. I’m on the hunt for a cuff bracelet in yellow gold, I like the Kendra Scott style (or the Tiffany T style, but that one is way outside the budget). I’m looking for something that is 14k gold, not plated. I have had bad experience with plated/filled gold – the gold always rubs off eventually (I wear the bracelet daily). Budget is sub $200…

    1. You want a real gold cuff style bracelet for under $200? Hahaha

    2. Go to a local jeweler. They’ll generally charge you by the price of gold per ounce (which is super expensive!) and a little bit of a service fee on top of it, and you can get exactly what you want.

    3. For context, gold is approximately $1400 per ounce. Silver is approximately $15 per ounce. 14k would be less than $1400/oz, but still a lot more than silver.

    4. Gently, you likely won’t find real gold, in that style (which requires a decent amount of metal) for under $200. I’d look at Nordstrom or Bloomingdales around holiday sale time and see if you can score a good quality cuff then. Even gold plate/vermeil will likely be around $200 retail if it isn’t on sale.

    5. Just buy a gold plated bangle and get it replated by a local jeweler when the plating rubs off. You’ll save yourself a lot of money (and it will be harder and less likely to bend or get damaged)

    6. Hit consignment, thrifts and fleas

    7. Is it the open part of the cuff that you’re talking about, when you mention Tiffany and Kendra Scott?
       These are as close to $200 as I could find in real gold, although I think the bracelets might be thinner than what I think you’re envisioning.
       https://mejuri.com/shop/products/thin-bangle
       https://www.etsy.com/listing/653107757/14k-solid-gold-cube-bangle-14k-solid?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=14k+cuff+bracelet&ref=sr_gallery-1-1&organic_search_click=1&frs=1

16. The cinch strap (the straps on the side) of my LV Neverfull broke off the ring that they are attached to. Is this something that can be fixed? If so by who? Does LV fix these things?

    1. Yes, it can be fixed. Go to the LV store and they will send it out. It’s usually a small fee but nothing compared to replacing the bag.

17. Can anyone recommend a brand that sells jewel-toned button downs? I’m having trouble finding anything other than white, black, pink, and French blue.

    1. Believe it or not, Chico’s. A friend of mine used to wear their no-iron button down blouses for work pretty regularly.
       https://www.chicos.com/store/product/noiron+sateen+caroline+shirt/570211744?color=177&catId=search

    2. Lafayette 148

18. Curious if other litigators can share their experiences repping large corporations in litigation. I have one particular large corporate client whose in house legal dept really micromanages litigation- particularly discovery. Everytime I have sent them answers to discovery to review, they have had a LONG list of edits. Things like rephrasing sentences, additional redactions, additional objections and caveats (which in my experience in my jx are all completely unnecessary). I am wondering if this is common, and I’ve just been lucky my other clients are just more deferential? Or is this odd?

    1. I’m not a litigator but I have an anecdote. For general purposes I’m a deal maker, and had reached agreement on a deal with a large corporation. The deal was >$100 million so it was a big deal for both of our F50 companies.

       My company’s attorney drafted a binder (initial agreement) memorializing what we had agreed to in the term sheet. Their attorney redlined the hell out of it and sent it back. My attorney was offended and changed a lot of stuff back to the way he had written it. This went back and forth for several rounds. My counterparty on the deal contacted me to say that my attorney was being unreasonable, and that they were starting to feel uncomfortable with the deal.

       At that point I got both of the attorneys on a conference call and they were so nasty to each other I ended it early. I could just tell that it was a battle of egos at that point. They were both being unreasonable, it wasn’t just my attorney.

       I looked at the most recent few round of back and forth an they were fighting over things that had no legal substance. It was grammar and ordering of paragraphs and how the document looked. I lost my crap and told my attorney to just accept the last round from the other attorney. He was so offended that he never worked on one of my deals again. Which was welcome news because he almost cost the company a huge deal.

       Long story to say, sometimes it is just personalities.

    2. It’s not uncommon in my practice but I sympathize that it is annoying and undermines the expertise of outside counsel even though I respect where in house is coming from. I find discovery tends to irk the client a lot more than motion practice because clients hate to disclose confidential information, especially where the suit involves a direct competitor or anti-client advocacy group. I one time had a GC do her own doc review on everything to be produced and had to go to head with her that we have an ethical obligation to produce many things she objected to.

    3. I’m in house, and I think this is very lawyer dependent. If the in house lawyer was a former litigator, they tend to have a lot more changes/comments. But I’ve never been in litigation, so I almost never have anything to edit/change. And remember, some of these former litigators have been out of the game for a while, so while you think their changes are unnecessary (based on current best practices), they might have a different (outdated) frame of reference.

    4. It is odd, but it’s not unheard of, and you generally need to go with the client’s edits unless there’s a reason not to. Learn their style and move on. Be open-minded about whether they have a point. Sometimes, the things that “aren’t a big deal in your jurisdiction” actually are potentially a big deal and just something you haven’t had blow up in your face yet (I speak from experience). Generally, I find this type of micromanaging to be indicative of my in house contact being stressed, feeling pressure, etc. and try to find an opportunity to make them look good to their higher ups/make their life easier.

       1. I have a large corporate clients that I have difficulty getting to even look at the responses and another one that I sometimes have to tell (gently) that some of their proposed objections are not appropriate in my jurisdiction. Unless there is a real, sanctionable reason not to accept their edits, I always do (and remember them for next time).

          Remember that sometimes they just want to keep their responses/objections consistent between cases, even in different jurisdictions.

    5. I think this is probably company (or more likely, in-house attorney)-dependent. I work almost exclusively for a large corporate client, and they are very hands off on their litigation. They mostly stick to larger strategy issues and leave the day-to-day to outside counsel.

    6. I am in the general counsel’s office of a small corporation (midsize?) and we are involved in litigation with a major competitor.

       I *am* very invested in it, especially discovery, because I don’t want our main competitor to see more of our stuff than they’re entitled to, and I want to be sure any answers we may give are phrased accurately, without ambiguity. I’ve worked here for a number of years, and I understand our business better than our outside counsel could, just by virtue of our roles. They might think it’s nitpicky that I’ve swapped in [word] for [seeming synonym] but there are nuances to how our industry uses those terms…

       I do, though, make an effort to know which things are ‘mine’ and which things are ‘theirs’ — I don’t pretend to know more about litigation strategy in [jurisdiction] than they do, but I certainly know more about [my industry] than they do.

19. I eat out most meals. 10+ meals a week and I rarely eat breakfast (or if I do, I have yogurt or swing by a coffee shop for a bagel). I have a couple friends who don’t cook and often invite me out, I work weird hours- my weeks are either 8a-2a or 9a-6p depending on closings- and I am terrible at grocery shopping. Has anyone successfully transitioned from ‘eating out all the time’ to maybe ‘eating out every other day’ to ‘eating out is special’? I have no dietary restrictions but find that when I grocery shop, I plan elaborate meals that either don’t get made or don’t get eaten because then I have 5 lunch invitations.

    1. search for recipes with 5 ingredients or less. There are lots of great simple meals. Make two portions so you have enough for lunch the next day or to freeze and reheat in the future.

    2. A combination of Blue Apron and a substantial stock of Amy’s frozen burritos has transitioned me to eating at home except for 1x-2x/week.

    3. I stopped planning/making elaborate meals for myself because I found that I either didn’t feel like cooking or didn’t feel like eating anything that elaborate getting home late after the gym. I keep bagged salad and fruit and crumbled cheese in my fridge, plus I cook chicken on Sundays, so I can throw together a satisfying salad at any time. I rarely eat out.

20. I was raised in a conservative home where we didn’t talk about gardening at all (except DON’T DO IT, IT’S VERY BAD, unless you’re married in which case it instantly is fine for baby-creation). As a result, in an understatement, I don’t feel as though I have the healthiest attitude. I have always been very uncomfortable with gardening in books or movies and can’t talk about it like a healthy person. I feel extremely embarrassed.

    I have been gardening for about 12 years? and with my now-husband for about eight. We had a very dynamic gardening life earlier but some years ago I found that I was less into it, and now I feel like I sometimes get embarrassed while we are actively gardening. Then I am consumed with thinking about it which obviously ruins the gardening mood. Then I am less likely to want to garden because I’m constantly worrying about how it will be. I have no idea why this changed around four years ago unless it potentially had something to do with birth control and desire. I’ve never had a strong gardening desire and don’t solo garden much.

    I don’t even know where to start with resources. Can anyone with a similar background of shame and embarrassment share any resources that helped you move past it? I have a great therapist who I really like for my depression but we have never talked about gardening and honestly, I’d rather die than talk to a therapist about it right now. I would appreciate any books or blogs or practical things I can do to move forward. I feel really sad that I’m just turning 40 and feel like I’m ruining gardening with my husband. If it matters, I am an atheist.

    1. – ask your therapist about mindfulness in a general way – working on that will help you stay in the moment – focusing on touch, taste, smell etc
       – tell your therapist that you don’t feel ready to talk about it with them but you’d like to do some reading and ask if they can recommend any books. If it’s hard to imagine saying this, write down what you want to say and either read it to your therapist or pass it to them to read.

    2. You can and should talk to your therapist about it. Saying you would rather die than talk about it shows how repressed you are, and that is what your therapist is for. You don’t ever have to get into specifics so don’t worry about that. Just say “I’d like to talk about how embarrassed I am about sex and how how get more comfortable even talking or thinking about it.”

       1. I have thought a lot about it, but he’s a man, and I don’t know how comfortable I would ever get talking to him about it. I would hate to throw away a whole therapy relationship based on that, and maybe it’s possible to get myself to a point where I could talk to him, but I am not at that point right now.

          1. You could ask him for a referral for that particular issue.

    3. https://www.scarleteen.com/ is my go-to resource for s*x-ed, in case you’re looking for language to talk about desire, bodies, relationships etc.

    4. I don’t have a specific rec’, but some of Dan Savage’s early work might resonate with you, because he came from a highly religious background. I’ve also found the advice columnist “Dear Bear” extremely compassionate and patient in general. The queer community is somehow perceived now as being very out and anything-goes, but I actually thing you might find their writer understand a lot about shame, repression, and learning to accept your sexuality.

    5. Check out the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski. I think you’ll find a lot that speaks to you there.

       1. I second this, and also recommend ‘what you really really want’ by jaclyn friedman, which is more of a workbook format and really excellent. if you aren’t used to talking about this stuff it will probably freak you out a bit but its so good and helpful.

       2. +1,000

    6. Late reply, but Lori Brotto is a sex therapist who writes books, tweets, gives interviews and she does talk about shame and desire and other feelings that might inhibit women from having a full s*x life. She grew up Catholic so might also bring that perspective into her work (but I haven’t read her books).

21. I found a crazy good deal for flights to Amsterdam for a week im October. Our baby will be about one – please tell me we are not crazy for traveling with a baby. My husband has been to Amsterdam and I really want to see the Ann Frank house and Van Gogh museum. To give him a new experience we discussed maybe going to Cologne and Bruges. Thoughts on if we are doing too much and on the best way to travel in between those cities with a baby. Pre-baby we were adventurous travelers but about ten months of litrlw sleep (how do you moms of more than one do it??) has made me more nervous.

    1. You’ll be fine and have a great time. Stay at a place with a kitchette or full kitchen so you don’t have to eat out with a baby three times a day. Throw some favorite baby snacks in your suitcase so you don’t have to stress about food on arrival. Plan a half day ‘off’ each where you can take turns exploring without baby. Plan to do one main activity per day. Let baby nap in the stroller, check out some local playgrounds – you can do a picnic style lunch in a park. Bring both a carrier and stroller as stroller may not work/be allowed inside some historic sites.

       I have three kids under 7 and we go to Europe every year to visit DH’s family. I actually find it very family friendly. I generally don’t try to full adjust to the new time zone, let the kids stay up later and sleep in later in the mornings, make the adjustment on return home easier as well.

       Think of it as ‘slow travel’. A new way of seeing a place.

       1. Re: Packing food, just be aware that airport security has extra rules regarding this

          1. They may need to hand inspect it but you’re allowed to take large quantities of baby food with you, even if it exceeds 3 oz. We brought 20+ 4-5 oz pouches with us in our carry on on a recent trip to Europe.

          2. ? Nothing that I can think of. The regular liquid rules don’t apply when you’re traveling with a baby under 2 plus there are plenty of non-liquid snacks that are useful for feeding occupying baby.

             “Formula, breast milk and juice for infants or toddlers are permitted in reasonable quantities through the security checkpoint. Remove these items from your carry-on bag to be screened separately from the rest of your belongings. Inform the TSA officer at the beginning of the screening process that you carry formula, breast milk and juice in excess of 3.4 ounces in your carry-on bag. These liquids are typically screened by X-ray.” https://www.tsa.gov/travel/special-procedures/traveling-children

    2. You can definitely travel with a baby. Just do it! Book the flight and don’t overthink it. Trains might be a nice option with a baby since they’re quick, pretty clean, and you’ll have more room to spread out.

    3. That sounds amazing! I don’t think it’s crazy at all. Get a baby carrier so you and your husband can strap him to your chest. Be prepared that you may have to cut your days up into 3-hour chunks to let baby have naptime. Be super flexible and remember that your trip is about the journey, not checking items off your bucket list, and that travel disasters make the best stories. Read up on how to do long flights with babies — bring plenty of diapers, wipes, spare clothes, food, and formula IN YOUR CARRY ON. This sounds like a great trip!

    4. Oh hey I went to Amsterdam very cheaply in October of last year (I think $400 round trip on Lufthansa). I don’t have a baby but I can offer my observations, whatever that’s worth. A lot of my peers seem to be traveling frequently, including internationally, with their babies that are often under 1. When I was in Amsterdam I saw plenty of very young families touring. Also I’d just like to add that Amsterdam is absolutely LOVELY in October and I think you’ll really enjoy it! We went to Bruges too and maybe we didn’t plan well enough but it ended up being a logistical nightmare to get there (like 7 trains each way when I expected 2, there were cancelations). Just a warning.

    5. Not crazy!! We took our daughter to Paris when she was 14 months and it was wonderful. One of our favorite trips ever. Expect a slower pace of travel, especially if your kid is not a good stroller napper, and be more flexible on when and where you eat. At least in Paris, sit-down restaurants don’t open until really late so did a lot of crepes or baguette/brie/smoked meat picnics for dinner…which was great! But I might have been disappointed if I had expected to be sitting down in a brasserie every evening.

       1. Also I think it depends how much you want to relax, but 3 cities in one week sounds too hectic to me even without a baby. I would pick one other city max, and honestly if it were me I would just stay in Amsterdam the whole time and give your husband one day “off” to take a day trip somewhere (and then he can give you a day off to do a full day of sightseeing in Amsterdam or a day trip). We were in Paris for 6 days and that felt about right, given how much less stuff you can do each day with a baby.

          1. Agree on three cities being hectic but I think two is fine. Fly into Amsterdam, stay 3-4 nights, train to Koln, stay 3-4 nights. Fly home from Koln.

          2. I agree. OP, you’re bit crazy at all to go to Europe with your baby, but I would do a max of 2 cities in a week (and strongly consider staying in Amsterdam the entire time).

             1. I meant NOT crazy at al!!

    6. I think it sounds good. I think a key thing is managing your expectations. I would plan on one activity per day, and then maybe have a list of things like parks, neighborhoods to wander in, etc. that you can do more spontaneously if you feel like more. TBH having an almost completely unscheduled trip where we had things we wanted to do but didn’t have to commit in advance to timing and could be on our own schedule was so amazing when we made our first attempt at vacation as a family of 3.

22. What swimsuit style would you wear to a pool party at a partner’s house? Would you even bring a swimsuit? One of the partners throws a pool party in the summer and invites all lawyers, their families, and the summer associates. I’m an associate (and the only female associate). Most of the lawyers in my office have kids, so I think, but don’t know, that a lot of kids run around and jump in the pool. I saw facebook photos of a couple years ago and it looks like everyone is in a suit and/or cover up. My mentor lawyer is male, I know the female partners but they are all in their late 40s or early 50s, so I’m not sure who to ask or how to ask. I’m in my late 20s and am an avid runner. I’m not ashamed of my body and normally wear a bikini to the beach with friends, but it feels very odd to show that much skin around the firm partners. I have a Land’s End suit with a tank top/Skirt bottom – is that OK? Help!

    1. Honestly, the tank/skirt suit sounds slightly overkill to me. I would wear a nice one-piece that isn’t too revealing. More importantly, a nice cover-up (or actual summer dress). You probably don’t have to swim/take off the dress at all if you are uncomfortable.

    2. I wouldn’t swim and wouldn’t wear a suit at all.

       1. Same. No suit, no swimming. Kids will swim and maybe parents of kids to young to swim on their own. Id be surprised if anyone else gets in the pool. I’d wear a sun dress, hat, sunglasses and sandals.

    3. If I were invited to a pool party today I’d wear my bathing suit that has a halter type strap at the neckline so that it is clear that I’m wearing a bathing suit under my linen dress with a wider neckline. And then I’d never take off the dress. Swim parties for coworkers are always awkward and always a bad idea and I don’t know why bosses think they’re such a good idea, unless it’s look how rich I am I have a pool.

       1. +1

    4. I totally get where this post is coming from and would probably have the same concerns myself, but I think it’s really a sad reflection on society that our first responses are “don’t swim” or “cover up.” I’ve seen a company retreat that took place at a lake (not for my company) and there was waterskiing, paddleboarding, etc. and I would be SO BUMMED to see women sitting out of those fun, playful sports that you don’t get the chance to do every day because wearing a swimsuit is awkward. In that spirit, I’d recommend some board shorts and a tankini so you can still have fun and be functional without having any weird bikini slips/showing too much cheek/etc.

       1. I think a one-piece or a tankini + bikini bottoms would be better (or even a bikini that has modest coverage). You don’t want to be “the one who went swimming in shorts” if everyone else is in a more traditional swimsuit and people aren’t familiar with board shorts. What you suggested sounds like a good outfit for that awesome sounding lake retreat but maybe not a pool party at someone’s house. I think a suit under a sundress is good, and then she can decide once there if she wants to go in or not.

          1. Who cares if someone else isn’t familiar with board shorts (and everyone is anyway – they may be more common for men, but the concept is still completely recognizable)? I agree that a tankini and bikini bottoms would also be a good choice though.

          2. Counterpoint: I swim in shorts all the time, everywhere because I have a big scar on my right upper thigh I don’t feel like talking about to people, especially people I don’t know well. There is nothing wrong with swimming/recreating in shorts, regardless of the reason.

          3. Of course there is nothing wrong with wearing shorts for swimming. I personally DGAF what anyone else swims in and own board shorts myself, but this is a thread specifically asking what to wear in this situation. If the goal is fitting in & not drawing attention, which it seems to be from the OP, IMO board shorts are not the way to go.

             I usually swim in a sports br* style top paired with bikini bottoms or swim shorts, but in this scenario I’d probably wear a one-piece (to be specific, I have a Marimekko for Target one that is still in good shape from several years ago when that was a thing and relatively modest on me).

    5. I’d wear a very modest swimsuit under a swim cover up that is full opaque and modest. Examples:

       Swimsuit:
       https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JOLRB9I/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

       Cover up:
       https://www.lordandtaylor.com/tommy-bahama-shibori-printed-split-neck-spa-dress/product/0500088903702?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374302023845&R=719260883871&P_name=Tommy+Bahama&N=4294966307+302023845&bmUID=mJVgx8K

    6. I would do a tankini with boy short style bottoms. Then a dress or sarong to cover up when not actually swimming. I’d only be swimming if I was swimming with my kids or lots of other adults were swimming.

    7. I would wear a summer (casual) dress or shorts and a tank top, and plan on not swimming. We have a party like this for my department too, and very very few of the attorneys (none?) actually get in the pool. The kids are the only ones swimming.

       Ask around your office though, maybe more of the adults actually swim at your party! In that case, I would wear a cute one piece.

23. What would be your favorite features or “not worth the money” features of your basement/rec/ family room? Or, Has anyone done a basement renovation into a rec room and can share advice or lessons learned? We are getting ready to renovate our semi finished basement into a tv/ rec room. Our thought is that we would like to space to have the tv/ entertainment center, a built in bar/ counter against one wall which we can use to serve drinks or food when we have people over. Also would like the space to be somewhere the kids can have sleepovers when they get older, or we can put guests when they come to visit. And my husband would like the space to open up into the basement work room so he can watch tv while puttering on projects. The other half of the basement is and will continue to be laundry/ deep freezer and storage, but we are considering having our contractor put shelves in to help organize the space. We have a meeting set up with an interior designer, but I think we’re having difficulty focusing on what we want or what would be practical or what would be just too much to try to cram into the space.

    1. Without hesitation, my favorite “feature” would be a 2nd sump pump or French drains. It doesn’t matter how lovely you make your basement, if its underwater, it’s a problem.

       1. Agreed that water control is paramount. We have a beautifully finished basement that we just don’t use because it’s just so musty and miserably damp. We live on a steep incline with poor soil that does NOT hold water, so we thought we would escape the typical basement problems. We were wrong.

       2. +1,000,000!

    2. I’d skip the built in bar/cabinets (unless you want it for other storage) and just go with a nice buffet/sideboard. It gives you flexibility if you want to rearrange the space.

       Also agree about water control – if you’ve been in the house for a while, you probably know if you have trouble issues, but I think it would be absolutely worth it to have someone come out and assess it for water issues.

    3. We renovated our basement and our favorite feature is the guest room. It gets used a lot. Do you have a bathroom in the basement? That might be useful (even just a half bath) for guests and hanging out. We have a gym (just a simple room with treadmill and TV) that gets used a lot. In the rec room, we appreciate having a small fridge (dorm size), this helps with having drinks nearby.

24. I’m looking for some intel from people that have had exploratory laproscopic surgery to diagnose / treat endometriosis. I do some medical malpractice cases so I get very anxious now about personal medical procedures. For that reason I’m not googling this. I trust my doctor as well but this is the first time I will be going under truly general anesthesia with intubation.

    In particular I’d like to know more about your recovery. My doc has suggested 2 weeks no driving. 1 week really out of work and another week working remotely. Does that seem to align with your experiences?

    1. I had that surgery 3 years ago, and will probably be going in for it again sometime this summer. I had a lot of confidence in my GYN; she happens to specialize in endo, and does this surgery as often as she delivers babies. Also, I fortunately only had stage 1, and I was 30ish.
       But with all that in my favor, my recovery went more quickly than your doctor described. I think I started a new job the Monday after my Wednesday surgery, last time, because the timing sucked but it actually felt totally okay. When I go in again this summer, I will probably ask for 8 days off work, and if I wasn’t recovered I’d ask for more.
       I only took strong pain meds for about 24, maybe 36 hours, and then I was able to switch to ibuprofen. The most acute pain was actually from the gas they use to blow up your abdomen, which settles into your chest cavity and takes a few days to dissipate. The incisions are very small and the skin closed within days; I can hardly see the scars even looking for them. But the surgery or whatever they did inside took a lot longer to heal and stayed just slightly sore (like cramps) so that I didn’t like wearing anything with a tight waistband for several months; they warn you to bring soft sweatpants for the days after surgery, but you might also want to find some a-line or swing dresses for when you do go back to work.
       Hit me up with other questions if you have them–I’m not shy.

    2. Yes, that lines up with my experience. I was pretty worthless the first week and spent a lot of time sleeping and reading. Week 2 was better, but I still didn’t work more than part-time, from home. I still needed a lot of rest.

       The doctor didn’t prep me well for the recovery at all. He does tons of these and said I’d be out “maybe a week,” and that wasn’t my experience at all. Even when the pain subsided, I was weak, sort of lightheaded at times, and ran out of energy quickly. Let your body heal.

       I’m wishing you the best. The recovery isn’t fun, but the surgery was 100% worth it for me.

    3. I’ve not had that surgery but I have had general anesthesia with intubation and suggest that you have a pre-surgery consult with the doctor (or CRNA) who is going to be providing anesthesia. Sometimes you have to ask for these and you can do it the day before if you are having any labs done the day before too. It will help a lot to meet the person and get questions about it answered.

    4. I have had this twice. Both times the surgery was on the Friday morning and I was back at work on the Monday (the second time I worked from home on the Monday and back in the office on the Tuesday). I took the prescription painkillers on the Friday and Saturday and spent my time dozing on the couch. I was feeling more human by the Sunday (I think I took non prescription painkillers for a few more days the first time, not at all the second). I would recommend having someone stay with you for the first few days. Abdominal tenderness lasted for a few weeks, so I wore dresses without defined waists for a while. For me the post surgery pain was no worse than my endo pain before the surgery. I was a bit freaked out about the general anaesthetic the first time but the anaesthetist did a great job of reassuring me by talking me through the process and all of the controls.

    5. I’ve had it, and my recovery was quite a bit easier / shorter than your doctor describes. Obviously YMMV, and it seems like your doctor is doing a good job of setting expectations, but the hardest part for me was the first hour after I came out because general anesthesia makes me nauseous. After the hour of nausea subsided, I walked out of the clinic (no wheelchair to the car even) and my husband drove me home. I rested on the couch a lot of that first day napping and reading books, but my surgery was on a Friday and I went to work on Monday (lawyer). For what it’s worth, I was diagnosed with stage 3 endo so there was quite a bit of excision and also had a pretty decent sized cyst removed from an ovary during the same surgery. Not driving for two weeks seems excessive unless you really need the heavy duty painkillers for that long. I think I was on just advil by day 2 post-op.

25. I bought this top last weekend at the outlets and it is amazing! Super flattering and thick. Not the clingy jersey tops everywhere.

Comments are closed.