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Workwear sales of note for 5.26.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale just started!
- Amazon – Memorial Day Sales! Lots of discounts on Amazon Essentials and more.
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off all sale styles (through 5/29); 40% off your entire purchase (including suiting).
- Anthropologie – Extra 40% off sale.
- Athleta – Up to 60% off, PLUS an extra 30% off!
- Banana Republic – Summer preview, 30% off your purchase!
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Bloomingdale’s – Memorial Day Sale, save up to 50% off on summer essentials, plus save up to 40% on designer items!
- Boden – 30% off everything, including sale (ends 5/29).
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off sale; already up to 70% off (ends 5/31) – also mix & match sale with men’s shirts, 4 for $249.
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off sale styles.
- Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19; up to 50% off everything.
- Everlane – Up to 30% off, 400+ sale styles.
- Express – Summer kickoff sale, 30-50% off everything (plus $35+ steals).
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – 40% off your purchase; extra 50% off sale styles; up to 50% off summer styles
- J.Crew Factory – 50-70% off entire site and storewide; extra 60% off clearance.
- J.McLaughlin – Up to 40% off!
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles
- M.Gemi – MDW sale, up to 70% off (but returns accepted only for store credit).
- M.M.LaFleur – Short but sweet sale.
- Madewell – Get 30% off your purchase.
- Ministry of Supply – 25% off sitewide.
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Shopbop – Up to 50% off designer sale!
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 40% off one item, 30% off everything else (through 5/29).
- Theory – Up to 60% off + an extra 20% off.
- Universal Standard – Up to 35% off!
- Victoria’s Secret – this weekend only, buy 3 panties get 5 free ones.
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 50% off everything!
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code.
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses. (Reader favorite bed brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Memorialy Day Sale, up to 60% off.
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
How should I break up with my hair stylist? She has been cutting/coloring my hair for several years. Her salon is between my office and our old house, but we’re buying a new house that’s nowhere close to the salon. I don’t want to drive out of my way through traffic every 6 weeks, when there’s a couple of good salons near the new house. I am just not sure what to say to her, or how. Just disappearing wouldn’t really work since we’re somewhat friendly/Facebook friends, and it seems immature. Thanks.
This is EASY! Just tell her what you JUST told the HIVE!!!! Tell her your time is as VALUBLE as her time, and while you love her, you do NOT have the time to go every 6 week’s OUT OF YOUR WAY to use her any more.
My mom did this and her hairdresser use’s the same gym that my mom use’s, so they still see each other working OUT! Beleive me, it hapens all the time and you probabley do NOT even work out at the same place so you will NOT have this issue! Yay!
PS to Kat. I LOVE ANN TAYLOR and am goeing to buy this belt even tho I am on a moratorum from DAD not to buy stuff. YAY!!!!
Yeah, I agree with Ellen. YAY!
Shocking – but I ALSO agree with ELLEN.
Can't believe it
I also agree with Ellen! PHOOEY!
At your last haircut before your move, tell her you’re moving and you won’t be able to come out to see her anymore. She’ll understand. Leave the door open in case you can’t find anyone closer to you or in case you want to go back to her for special occasions.
Since this isn’t about her work, I would just be honest with her about the new house, etc.
Just tell her. I broke up with my haircutter a while back and it was quite awkward because I switched to somebody else in the same salon. I agonized and waffled and actually wept about it, and it ended up being far, far more traumatic for me than it was for him. These things happen. Just tell her the truth and maybe give her an extra big tip at the last appointment. It’ll be fine, I promise.
I’m still a little embarrassed/guilty that I switched hairstylists without saying goodbye. I used my previous stylist for over 5 years and was still happy with her work, it was just the location. Even after I moved (about 40 min away) I still went there for a few years but I eventually decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and found a place that’s right next to my gym/10 min from my house.
I have to do this too but in my case, I’m switching because I can no longer afford my guy.
Ask her for a recommendation in your new neighborhood. She probably knows someone there.
I’m looking for an inexpensive website for ordering invitations to a party. I only need 15 invitations (must be paper; I can’t do e-vites for this event) and I’m really trying to keep costs down. Suggestions?
Scour the web for Vistaprint deals. There are always a ton out there. I ordered thank you notes for my wedding from them, and paid something like $20 for what should have been a $150 order.
I used Vistaprint for invitations for a small event. I couldn’t find quantities smaller than 25, so I had a few extras, but it was very inexpensive. And there are regular coupon codes online (I think if you create an account they will throw in a discount code).
Tinyprints will do small quantities I believe.
Perfect! Thank you!!
Also – check costco if you are a member. I think they might use tiny prints, and I think they order in batches of 20 or 25, but I found them very inexpensive.
Can you do handwritten invitations on invitation cards? Unless they really must be printed, for this small a number I would think it might be less hassle to just do them yourself…
Or print at home on storebought invites – it’s only 15 cards.
Ironic choice in light of this mornings discussions…
I guess it highlights how some words are ok when applied to things but not when applied to people–even implicitly. See also “Oriental.”
I often think Oriental is not okay either. It’s often used for items made by white people that appropriate “Oriental” culture.
Also it seems historically inaccurate. At least all of my older (white) relatives seem to think it means all of east Asia (and potentially south Asia?), or about 75% of the worlds’ people, when I think “orient” is a term the near east from the times of spice and silk trading over land, no?
I cringe when I hear people say that..
The reason it’s a problematic term (much more so than exotic, imo) is that it both conjures up an outdated era when it was used negatively and is itself indicative of a western-centric perspective since it defines the “orient” as relative to Europe or Europeans (the occident).
As concerns “exotic,” while I realize how that can be offensive or irksome to some people, I can’t say that I am personally bothered by the term even though I spent my childhood living in places where I was frequently described as “exotic.” I think it’s because for me the word has always had a fluid meaning – what is exotic in Mangolia is not exotic in Sweden and vice versa.
And that should obviously be Mongolia, not man. First days back after a long weekend are never my strongsuit.
Mangolia sounds like a magic place full of mangoes. I’d love to live there!
Yep, this is why I said it shouldnt apply to people even implicitly. I’m sure it’s safer just not to use the term at all.
Yeah, though I think then it’s just compounding another issue. For example, selling things called “Navajo” that are not at all may still be problematic, though people do self-identify as Navajo.
You are right!
I was thinking the same thing. That light blue snake is very offended.
Was this humor? Or just complete dismissal of a legitimate issue?
It was sarcasm. I’ve never understood the use of the term “exotic” – to describe anything – be it person or object.
In this context, isn’t exotic leather a technical term that refers to non-cow skin? (Or at least something that’s supposed to look like non-cow.)
Small Town Atty
I think so. You get it a lot with cowboy boots too, to refer to things like ostrich and lizard skins.
Here it’s also marketing-speak: “exotic leather” sounds better than “fake stingray” or “real leather stingray print.”
They can’t say “embossed leather” as they usually would because it’s not actually embossed.
I know that some of you ladies have taken and passed the Texas Bar. I am three weeks away, freaking out, and could use some advice re how to memorize the info for the Texas essay subjects. The MBE doesn’t worry me too much since I have been scoring well on all the multiple choice practice tests (where you don’t have to memorize so much as recognize), but for the life of me I cannot figure out how to cram the Texas essay info into my head in a way that will stick. I’ve read through the CMR and lecture notes, but every time I try to take practice essays I seem to blank on all the details (e.g. this type of claim must be brought within four months, this type within 90 days, this type within 30 days, this type within two years unless… etc.). Ugh. There’s just SO MUCH material.
Any study tips for someone who is legitimately terrible at memorization and doesn’t have enough time to make flashcards for all the subjects?
Not a Texas bar taker, but remember that the bar exam in any state is a test of minimum competency. You have to pass, not write the best essay. You are likely to get points for pointing out that something needs to be filed “within the applicable statute of limitations” even if you don’t write the exact time period.
+1 and don’t forget you still have time! I remember the 4th of July as being a turning point in my bar study. As in, before that I didn’t really “know” very much and the bulk of what I memorized was in the last 3 weeks before the bar. Also, keep in mind that the exact details on essays are less important than knowing how to spot the issues. I made things up where needed. What helped me the most was just focusing on the big subjects and outlining the model essays so I could get a feel for how I needed to write them.
I’m studying for the NY bar right now and can totally relate. :(
I took and passed California in 2007, but I think my good memorization brain has left in my the past six years. Or else I studied a lot more the first time, which is probably likely, since I have been working this time around (almost done!). I do remember last time that at some point things just “clicked” and essays got easier. I am still waiting for that point to hit again….
Didn’t take the TX bar so grain of salt here. If faced with a question like that, just fake it a bit and say something about ensuring that the claim is filed within the statute of limitations. Focus more on getting the elements for a claim correct (torts vs contract for example) rather than the details about statute of limitations and filing deadlines. In practice, you can always double-check a filing deadline.
I made flow-charts for Texas criminal and civil procedural rules. I put the charts and timelines on those big Post-It papers that are poster board sized and hung them all over my house. Some had elements of claims and others had all the Texas probate information that I just couldn’t remember. It looked a little like I was living in A Beautiful Mind, but I swear it worked.
Also, just do essays. Lots and lots of essays. Eventually all that random information will start sticking.
I haven’t written any US bar exams (or any Canadian ones, for that matter, we had a licensing course with a variety of assignments to get called here), but I will second the flow-charts. I used them a lot during law school, and I found them so so very helpful, even if only for organizing material in my head, which in turn made it easier to remember because I really *understood* the material.
Yup. You know more than you think you do.
And read the old/model essays. Look at what gets points. It isn’t necessarily the details that you can’t remember – it’s structure, organization, and the big ideas.
I always like summarizing content. I would take old/model essays and summarize them. Then rewrite them in my own voice. That’s a winning essay!
I freaked out too and just tried to remember that there are LOTS of attorneys licensed in Texas. I had seen some Bad ones come through Court, so I figured that if they could pass, surely I could! I put notecards literally everywhere-in the shower, on my bathroom mirror, played BARBRI tapes on repeat. Ditto JJ’s comment, I did as many practice exam questions as I could. I think it helped me get in the right mind space. Good luck and take the exam one part at a time.
I am exactly in the same boat as you! We can freak out together.
Anon in TX
I did terribly on most of my TX practice essays and very well on the actual exam. For me, the key was getting down the vocabulary in the subjects I didn’t take in law school. That way, even if I had no idea how to answer the question, I at least had some terms I could get points for. I really had no idea what was going on in my oil and gas question, for example, and spent the time just trying to list out every concept I could remember that might be related. I’d also suggest spending some time with old exams from the last five years — the trend seems to be moving toward more multi-part questions that require several short answer.
One note: When I was prepping, I got really good at the stuff covered in the short-answer section old exams. And the actual short answer test still seemed extremely difficult. Turns out, this is one of those areas where, in order to come up with new questions, they are having to dig deep into the obscure. Fortunately, pretty much everyone is in the same boat, and if you happen to know the particular latin phrase they are testing this year it will probably be by luck.
TX Bar in 2011
It was only one question, and who cares, but it drove me up the wall that that was a question about a word I’d never come across before in my life. I’ll never forget it now though.
And in response to OP – I felt the same way until about 2 weeks before the test, and then suddenly, things started to click. Somehow all the information I’d been cramming into my head for the past month and a half was there and I could remember it. Just keep trucking.
One thing I did was continually go through my outlines, and condense them more and more. However, if you don’t already have typed out outlines and are just using barbri’s book this likely won’t work. And I just did practice essay and practice essay. After I did one, I’d read through the model answer, and correct my own answer if anything was incorrect. This was key to remembering the difficult details.
Anon in ATX
I did not take any consumer business classes so I just straight up memorized the model answers for the DTPA-type questions. Just fill in the blanks with your specific fact scenario.
I also decided family law was not worth the time. I think it was one essay (?) & I did not take the class so I gave that one up and concentrated on areas I thought I could improve on. This could also apply to O&G if you did not take that class. So, don’t stress if there are a couple essay topics you can’t seem to get a grasp on – just focus on those areas where you are making progress and you will be fine!!
Good point. From OP’s example, it sounds like she means the procedural part of the test. And I agree that a flowchart or simple flashcards might help for that. But if you’re talking about the 12 essays, I suggesting taking 1 subject a day and thoroughly studying that particular subject. Read the prompts, outline the answer, read the answers, take notes. Read through your BarBri material and take notes on anything that you’re unsure of that isn’t sticking. That way, you’ll have an entire subject condensed to about 3-4 pages of your notes, and then, as the exam nears, you can review your notes & feel less overwhelmed with all of the materials. If it helps, make a calendar of what you’ll study each day.
Sorry – meant for TXBarPanic.
I got fired today. I’m a little freaked out. While I’m really so relieved, I just can’t believe this is my life. I didn’t do anything wrong, I was on a performance improvement plan given to me by a new supervisor who used to be coworker and we never got along. The major point on the PIP was to reach a monetary goal that we all knew was impossible. They offered me the choice to be terminated or resign. I chose termination so I can collect unemployment if I have to. I’ve been applying for new jobs hard core for the last two months but I’m worried. I’m a finalist for one, and I should find out today. If I don’t get it I’m going to be very upset, but I do have two phone interviews set up. My husband is very supportive, but I need to have a job. EEk.
I’m so sorry this happened to you! My mom is going through something similar and it just sucks, all the way around. I recommend going home and writing down/summarizing by email everything they offered you as part of the termination package (just so you don’t forget any of it) and then taking the rest of the afternoon to wallow and let yourself grieve a bit.
Sending good thoughts your way!
Just wanted to say hang in there! In January I had almost the same thing happen, I was given the same choice and everything and I had been so miserable at it. It was so scary! And I hadn’t been looking since I had only been there a few months. In March though I got a job that is so much better- pay is better, people are way better, and it actually could be a career. Just want to say hang in there, it will be better!
FOOEY on them and Hug’s to you!!!
It is bad when your boss is a doosh. The sliver lineing is that your next job WILL be better!
Plus you have(a) a husband, who (b) is supportive!!
With all of this, tomorow is goeing to be a brighter day!!!
Just like Jim Croce sung!!!! Yay!!!!
Sometimes terrible things happen to us for no real reason. As you go forward, try to keep in mind that you are skilled and good at your job, and don’t let this get into your head.
Keep applying and it will happen. Also, make sure you’re receiving your unemployment meanwhile. It will be okay. Good luck!
I posted this morning about the Fitbit or heart rate monitors (meant pedometers, but long day!) and probably should have been clearer. I’m primarily looking for something to count calories burned and number of steps taken. My concerns with the fitbit is it the software; I’m using MFP and really like it for counting calories and don’t want to spend the $60 if there’s something cheaper/as good out there. Thoughts?
I am not sure how doable it is to count calories burned if you do not have a heart rate monitor – I don’t think just a pedometer would do it (though I could be wrong?)
In any case, I love my Polar HRM but it does not track steps taken, unfortunately.
Nope, the Fitbit counts calories for you. And it counts basal calories burned, not just active ones, so when you wake up in the morning you already have several hundred burned, which if fantastic :)
OP it sounds like a Fitbit is perfect for your needs. And you can link your MFP and Fitbit accounts. I track my food on MFP and it syncs with my Fitbit account.
A Nonny Moose
This was me.
And agree with Bonnie. It took all of .5 seconds of me opening the package to start pacing around unnecessarily to get my steps up. It’s so motivational.
I use my Fitbit with MFP as well. The Fitbit is a great little motivational tool. My DH makes fun of me for always wearing it but I like the accountability.
New FitBit user here. I am enjoying it, but finding myself oh-so disappointed in how little I walk. On work out days, I get my 10,000 steps just fine…but on the days I don’t work out, I am far from it. I don’t work in a big city and my office is not in a location where I can walk to lunch/get a cup of coffee so I am trying to squeeze in as many laps as I can around the office during the day. I am not someone who looks like she lives a sedentary lifesyle, but kind of feeling like it!
How do you force yourself to work when you’re totally disinterested in what you’re working on/frustrated with your current job situation? I’ve used the pomodoro method before but I find now I’m so unmotivated and annoyed with my job situation that it’s difficult to force myself to get things done.
I have absolutely no idea, because i have this exact problem ;oP And getting back from a holiday weekend makes it even harder. ugh.
Figure out the things that make the job worthwhile, the reason that you stay. For me, these are usually longer term considerations: it’s good for resume building, I want to build a good network at this firm before I leave, I’m saving up for a house etc. They’re not always obvious and sometimes it’s hard to figure out what they are when you are in the weeds.
One thing I did incorrectly when I was in this situation once is that I focused on my next step (in my case grad school) which is NOT the same as focusing on what makes this current job worthwhile. The problem with doing this is that it makes you feel even less motivated in your current job and even somewhat contemptuous of it. After 2+ years of stellar performance, I got the worst reviews of my professional life.
Just my two cents! :)
How about rewarding yourself with a small treat/break/on-line purchase for every project you finish, combined with time spent each day meeting people for coffee (to expand your network) or applying for jobs? That’s kind of what worked for me when I was in your shoes. Oh also, maybe think about how lucky you are that you are not doing [insert non-office job here] (digging ditches?)
Do you mean “uninterested”?
Little PSA on asking for what you want. I feel like I’m finally learning the value of going for the “ask.” I’m currently job hunting and I thought I’d done a great job of networking etc. but for awhile I would just throw things out there and hope people would offer up whatever it was I was secretly hoping for. So, for example, I might tell a friend I was applying at her company and leave it at that. But what I really wanted was for her to say “Oh, I know the person doing the hiring for that position — give me your resume and I’ll pass it along to her with a glowing recommendation!” Sure, some people do that, but most people just aren’t anywhere near as concerned about my job search as I am (to put it mildly). So I recently said to a friend (who knows I’m looking) “hey, have any jobs at your company recently opened up?” He said no, but this morning emailed me a posting that just went up today. I think if I hadn’t asked he wouldn’t have thought to keep an eye on job listings. I wrote back and said “Thanks! I’m going to apply. Do you know the person who’s doing the hiring? If so, would you feel comfortable passing along my resume with your recommendation?” He said absolutely. I’m 90% certain it wouldn’t have occurred to him to offer to do that if I hadn’t asked. I’m applying at another company where a friend previously worked, so I asked her “do you think you have insight on what they’re looking for, so if I sent you my materials, would you be willing to look at them and see what could be improved?” And she agreed right away. So just wanted to share: go ask for what you want. People won’t think you’re greedy or rude. They often want to help but just don’t think to offer.
I can definitely use a reminder like this once in a while.
Great job! Such simple but hugely important questions to ask.
East Coast Anon
This is awesome!
Yes, exactly! You’re doing the right thing!
As someone on the other side of things, sometimes, I am hesitant to provide job leads or job postings to friends and especially acquaintances who I know are job-searching because I fear offending them. I don’t want them to think I didn’t think that they could have found out about those jobs themselves.
But once they ask, I keep my eyes even more peeled and do not hesitate to forward any leads on. So yes, PLEASE ASK!
I’m sure no one here needs reminding, but always thank someone who’s provided you with a lead, even if it’s not useful. I met someone at networking event who was looking for a job. She followed up ASKING me if I had any leads, I sent her a couple of job postings which seemed very relevant to her interests, and never heard back. A thank you would have been nice.
I sort of feel the opposite. If the other person didn’t offer to pass my resume along with glowing recommendations then maybe its because they don’t want to. Since I asked, maybe they are doing it to be nice and just can’t say no. For me, if I was to pass along a resume with recommendations its because I really think this person can do a great job and totally support him/her. I would willing be the first to offer and not have to be asked. Otherwise, I usually just forward the posting and leave it at that.
anon for this
Whine: 9 wks pg here, reasonably in shape, and I am just.so.tired. DH seems to think that if I’m more active, I’ll have more energy… but I’m just more tired. Commiseration/advice?
When my work BFF was pregnant with her first, I remember her saying there was a page/section of either What to Expect or Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy that was for the non-pregnant partner and said something to the effect of “your wife is growing a person and therefore expending more energy sitting on the couch than you do when you workout at the gym.” She took great pleasure in showing it to her husband.
This is amazing. DH woke up this morning and suggested we go for a walk/jog together, which I enthusiastically (or stupidly?) did. I am now so tired I can’t even think straight.
I was unbelievably tired the entire first trimester. I’m sorry to report that nothing (exercise, naps, etc.) helped, except time. I was not tired during the second trimester, so there’s hope.
People who suggested exercise just made me want to punch them in the face.
Agreed. It’s been all I can do to get through the day in one piece, let alone do anything “extra”.
Now slightly better.
You’re growing a person! First trimester exhausts a lot of people… so if you need to fall asleep on the couch at 7 pm, that’s totally normal and OK. I did that a lot early in both pregnancies. On the flip side, exercising does help with a lot of pregnancy symptoms. Maybe look into a prenatal exercise class 1-2 times per week but also listen to your body. Congratulations!
My OB called first trimester the sleeping-sickness trimester. It gets better. Now sweetly ask your husband to go get that one food you are craving and maybe a movie. You’ll be holding down the couch for a few more weeks.
If I remember correctly, at 9 weeks you haven’t increased the volume of blood in your body sufficient to overcome the lethargy. So you’re partially tired because you’re running on an oxygen deficit (this is all from what I think I remember earlier in this pregnancy…) In addition to that, your body is working at a furious pace to actually build a human.
There is no comparison to how tired I was in the first trimester. I’m a very active person and there were a lot of days that I was asleep by 8:30 at night. Remind your husband that this isn’t psychological, it’s physiological.
And for both of my pregnancies, I did get that glorious “second trimester energy burst.” So there is probably a light at the end of the tunnel. (But best not ask about how I currently feel in the late third trimester…yuck).
Yeah, third trimester is yucky too, but I still think nothing compares to first trimester. I’m tired now, but it’s not how it was before, where I felt like there was an anchor around my neck. I am extreeeeemely ready to be finished with this pregnancy, though. Come on, baby!
Ditto to what everyone else said. Also, make sure you’re getting enough iron.
For me, the only thing that helped was sleep. I was exercising 5-7 days a week up until about week 5-6, when the exhaustion hit. i tried to keep it up for a few more weeks but it absolutely did not “give me more energy.” THe only thing that gave me more energy was sleeping. Your body is growing the placenta right now, which is a huge organ. Tell you H to imagine what it would be like for his body to grow another heart – and only take about 8 weeks to do it! Meanwhile, while the placenta is growing, you have to support all of your baby’s hormonal and nutritional needs. And, you’re working full time, I’m assuming. No wonder you’re worn out. Get some rest! I had weekends in the first trimester where I slept 12 hours a night, with 4-5 hour naps during the day. In 3-4 weeks, hopefully your energy will pick up. Also, yes, make sure you’re not iron deficient. And congrats. :)
Just sidetracking a bit from what ML said – thinking about all this, isn’t it amazing what our bodies can do? I’m still in awe that my body actually knows how to do all this stuff. Incredible.
When you are 9 weeks pregnant, you are tired. Being more active isn’t going to change that, although being active is healthy during pregnancy just like not during pregnancy. But, your husband is wrong. Suggesting that you can “untired” yourself while pregnant is really ludicrous, but I’m guessing he means well. Like when my husband suggested that I should wear belts with my full panel pregnancy jeans to keep them from falling down (um…where do you suggest I put that belt?)
It’ll be better in a few weeks. I remember at 10 weeks with my first pregnancy literally being too tired to get out of the car to go into the grocery store at one point. I just went home, drug myself to the couch, and passed out. Be nice to yourself, and enjoy the second trimester because the tiredness comes back again in the 3rd (32 weeks here and falling asleep mid-afternoon most days!)
I was too tired to eat during that part of my first tri. I have had a super easy pregnancy by all accounts so far, but weeks 8-10 were awful. I didn’t have morning sickness, but I felt like I had a 2 week hangover. All I did was lay on the couch (I worked from home because I have that flexibility and was otherwise going to be a zombie), nap, do some work, and eat hangover food that was delivered to me or left for me. I literally had DH bring me a carton of soy milk and some cereal and at that for both breakfast and lunch between naps.
That said…I thanked my stars I didnt’ have morning sickness issues, and have had an otherwise super smooth pregnancy (KNOCKING ON WOOD RIGHT NOW). Of course, I’m gaining more weight than I should be, but my mom gained (and then lost) 50-60lbs with each kid, so it’s not unexpected.
Anon in ATX
Can you take him to your next doctor’s appointment? I’m pregnant with my first and DH also thought I was too tired (but he was not pressing me to workout) b/c I was falling asleep at 7:00 each night. He straight up asked the doctor about it and I think it was reassuring for him to hear from a medical professional that this is totally NORMAL!
I know we’ve posted about egg freezing before–and I’ve asked about other aspects of it myself, but does anyone have any experience doing it in NYC in the past year or so? I’d like to know what costs to expect at NYU or RMA and whether you would recommend one over the other.
TJ – I’m looking for a lightweight, either canvas or nylon briefcase for my DH to take to work. His workplace is very casual, but every once in awhile he needs to be in business casual and I want it to be appropriate for both. He doesn’t carry a laptop – just some snacks and papers and random stuff. Does anyone have any recommendations?
My husband loves his Filson bag. It’s not really a briefcase, more like a casual-ish shoulder bag. He also works in a 90% casual environment, but the bags work for both casual and the days where he wears a sportcoat.
Okay, I just googled, and it looks like Filson does actually call the bag a “briefcase.” I’m probably just not up on the terminology. I always think of briefcases as those hard rectangular leather things with metal locks! :)
I never heard of this brand before – it’s a little pricey at $248, but made in the USA is nice. thanks for the suggestion!
My hubs just bought one of these as his diaper bag kinda thing, and it’s awesome. It’s great quality and really stylish but classic. I had never heard of the brand either, but he bought it on the recommendation of his uncle, who has had his for years with no problem.
And yes, I love that it’s made in the USA!
Second the recommendation for all things Filson… my husband and I have several bags and some luggage from them. I lurve them and want to buy ALL THE FILSONS. Seriously, I almost named our dog Filson.
I want to dress my husband in all things Filson. And have him carry all Filson luggage. Ahhhhhhhh, those clothes are so sexy.
Jack Spade and Tumi (T-Tech is their lower priced line) both make nice men’s bags.
For something a little sportier, Brooklyn Industries has nice, well made bags.
Thanks for the ideas! I will look into both of these brands.
Anon for this
Ok, let me ask a friendship question. I have a good friend whom I have known for more than ten years. When I met her, she had been with her husband for about five years (they got married in their early twenties). Three years ago, my friend got divorced. After she and her husband decided on the divorce, I hosted her for two weeks at my apartment. During the next several months, I checked in often, met up regularly, and tried to listen to her and support her.
But in the past year or so, it has started to bother me that I always seem to be in the supportive role. I understand that it takes time for her to come to terms with her divorce. Her life fell apart, and she is still picking up the pieces. But at this point, it would be nice if we could also discuss my life in more depth every once in a while. Yet whenever I bring something up, it seems like all she can muster are some generic comments. An example: I mentioned that I was concerned about my job ending in a few months, right at a time when my industry is going through some drastic developments that make it extremely hard to land a new job. Her reaction: “Oh, but it seems a lot of people who are looking for jobs have a really hard time now. I know quite a few people in my industry who have been unemployed for a while.” After which we moved on to discussing the complications of her on-again off-again relationship. Again.
I still hope this is just a pattern that will disappear over time. On the other hand, my friend’s divorce really shook her to the core, and I think the divorce changed her forever. I also sometimes feel that she is emotionally very needy and that this trait becomes more pronounced in her friendships now that she can no longer lean on her husband. She is quite vulnerable and doesn’t respond well to criticism (and, ironically, craves acknowledgments of her “strength”) so it’s hard and not very productiv to criticize her.
I am not sure what I am looking for — I certainly don’t want to end the friendship or let it fade away, because my friend is a wonderful person, aside from this complaint. I guess I am mostly wondering if others have had similar experiences, in which the nature of a friendship changes as a result of a life-altering event. I am especially curious about the perspectives of anyone who has been on the other end.
Well it seems your friendship might be easier if you start having more activities with her, and fewer long conversations about her difficulties from the divorce. Do you feel you could suggest any self-help books to her? Or could you both join a book club / some activity that you could experience in common, and therefore discuss together? I have to say that if I were your friend, I would want to know that you feel deprived, to some degree, of a meaningful friendship that you feel you provide to her. Could you say something like, “Well I was hoping we could discuss my ___ problem a little more – I value your opinion and am interested in your thoughts.” She may feel that her opinion is invalid now that she got divorced – many people feel a divorce undermines their credibility. I don’t feel that way at all, but if your friend feels that, she may be unable to bring herself to offer her opinion on your life.
Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe say something like “Listen, I know you’ve been going through a hard time lately, but I sometimes feel like you’re not as focused on the conversation when we’re discussing my problems.” I would just make sure not to mention or focus on how much you’ve helped her in recent years. It might make her defensive.
I think you have to signal back – when you’re about done being supportive, change the subject or get off the phone or say you’re not in the mood to talk about things more but you’d be happy to do x, y, z activity. If you’re endlessly supportive without needing it to be reciprocated, seems like she’ll be less likely to reciprocate.
Thanks! All helpful. Reading back what I wrote, I think I’m starting to get burned out on this friendship. I’ll probably say something the next time this issue comes up, and will try not to put her on the defensive.
You may also suggest counseling for her. That’s someone she can pay that will listen to her with no expectation of reciprocity.
I just bought a basic navy blazer. While I love the style, I HATE the gold buttons that come along with it, and hate them more since they have the Brooks Brothers branding all over it. I feel like gold buttons on navy jacket always looks so dated. Any recommendations for what type/color of buttons I should change them to?
(Also, if anyone has recs on where I can get high quality buttons online or around Boston now that Windsor Button has closed, please let me know!)
My BB navy blazer has navy buttons. I wonder if you could purchase those from BB?
How about either silver or brass? Also, I’m debating whether to buy a navy blazer myself. What do you plan to wear it with? I have a lot of black clothes, so I”m wondering if I’ll have pants or skirts in the right color to go with a navy blazer.
I got my first navy blazer recently and aside from grey, or jeans for casual Friday, not sure what to wear it with.
Mine is from Jones NY and has navy buttons.
I’m basically planning to wear it with anything that needs to be “dressed up” but isn’t black, so jeans, pencil skirts, non-black pants. I find classic navy blazers are pretty flexible and useful in that way. I have a gray blazer that works in a similar way (but also goes with black unlike the navy).
Maybe Etsy to look for buttons? As to what to wear it with, I usually wear navy blazers with jewel-toned dresses (deep red, purple, etc.) or grey dresses.
BB does alterations and would probably change the buttons for you.
Good point. I am picking up the altered jacket (sleeves) tomorrow and I’ll ask. I’m fine sewing them on myself, so maybe I can just buy them and not have to wait for their super slow alterations!
Not sure why you’d need “high quality” buttons. But any fabric shop would be fine. Or a tailor. They really have big selections.
Because why would you want to ruin a nice blazer with cheap-looking buttons?
Work appropriate ponytail pointers?
I want to be able to do this for ease, and to look more professional. My fly-away hair just doesn’t look nice, and I am not handy with a hairdryer or rollers/curling iron and in a rush most mornings. But a pony tail for my hair (stick straight, layered bob, just past shoulders) often looks so flat and makes my face look long and stark.
Do ponytails just not look good on some people, or is there a way that I can make it look less severe? I suspect some sort of styling/product/special clips are involved…
Try experimenting with your part. I am hopeless when it comes to styling my hair, mainly because I have zero patience, but I’ve discovered that a slightly off center part with a small bobby pin on each side to give my hair a bit of volume + a bun is what works best for me at work. I part my hair and then take about a half inch to an inch section at each side and turn it a bit into itself & then pin it at the side, right above my ear, then gather the rest of my hair into a bun (you could do a ponytail, but with long wavy hair, I feel bun is more work-appropriate on me). I also sometimes take a small flat clip and pull back a small section of hair at the crown before I put the rest of my hair up, which helps create a little volume and interest. Maybe try something along these lines?
I think there’s a ponytail that works for everyone. Agree with AIMS’ suggestions about the part. Also experiment with high vs. low ponytails – I actually don’t like it when it’s too low, but use a hand mirror and check-out your side profile and see whether it screams too high or low or just right. Also, how about a large hair clip/barrette instead of a simple ponytail holder?
Go old school and tease your hair with a bit of hairspray in it. Then pin the teased hair at the top and then make a pony tail. It makes the pony tail have more bounce and the hairspray keeps your hair in place. The only downside is teased hair pony tail plus bangs plus glasses tends to veer into Sara Palin territory.
Thank you for these suggestions. Yes, yes… a little volume is what I need. I have never tried pinning before doing the ponytail, and I will use your pointers.
Such good ideas….. I will experiment with parts, height of ponytail, and pins. … and the mirror.
Funny…. I tried to tease some hair once and failed miserably. My stick thin hair is just so flat, all I did was make a knot in part of my hair that I had to cut out.
Last night I had a great conversation with my mom about marriage. I’ve found a great guy, and this is definitely the one. However, I’m 26 and recently started a biglaw job < a year ago. Mom says I shouldn't marry until I'm "established" in my career. I have no idea what that is or when it will be–either way it had me freaking out about life timelines–marriage, babies, making partner, etc. My idea is that I'll get married when I can afford a small-ish ceremony. I don't know when that'll be, but I sort of already feel "established." Boyfriend has a career and a home, and I'm stable in terms of my job and apartment. While I see my mom's point, I can't delay marriage and babies forever. I'd like to put it off for a couple years, but no longer than that.
Any advice on the best time to consider marriage? Did any of you ladies have any life freakouts around this age?
I’m 25 and started a biglaw job a year ago and am getting married in a month. My fiance is in the same boat (though he’s a bit older). I don’t know why your mom feels you need to be established in your career before you marry – before you have babies, perhaps (though still not a requirement), but otherwise, as long as your boyfriend understands what your career may entail in the future, I don’t see a problem.
You should get married when you and your SO feel ready to get married. There is no right time. I think many bad marriages are made because people worry too much about when they should be doing something (e.g., “all my friends are engaged!”) as opposed to concentrating on why they want to get married in the first place (“I want to spend the rest of my life with this person”).
I’m a bit older than you (32- eek!) but most of my law school friends who got married did so in the first 1-3 years after graduation. To the extent your career factors in, I don’t see why you need to wait to get married until you are more established.
Exactly. Get married when you and SO feel ready to get married. “Established” my left foot.
If your mom is at all like my mom, she’s telling you to establish yourself in your career before you get married because she places a high value on both members of a marriage having financial independence, and she’s seen too many of her own friends get married, become completely financially dependant on their husbands, and end up basically destitute when their husbands divorce them. It’s a generational thing.
Or she’s not quite as convinced as you are that this guy is “the one.” Maybe have a frank conversation with her about it to get to the bottom of why she thinks you should wait. Maybe her own experience has told her that waiting often works out for the best (to either confirm or deny your sentiment).
She could also be of the generation where getting married meant giving up a career for a woman. You could help to make sure she knows that your career is not over when you get married. (Seriously. In Mad Men days, women were fired if they got married. What!)
You will find out that lots of people will have lots of opinions on how you should live your life. This will happen as you get engaged, plan a wedding, start a marriage, and have kids. You will have to learn to be polite while ignoring their advice. This happens to everyone.
I’m with Baconpancakes, I think the “establish your career” thing has to do with financial independence so that you would be able to take care of yourself or even your entire family. It does not have to be if the marriage ends but say your husband wasn’t working for one reason or other.
Anonymous at 5.32pm who says she may not think he is the “one” also has a point. You are still in your mid twenties, and still growing and changing…she may feel that what seems perfect now, may not feel the same in the future i.e. in a few years.
Ugh sorry for the disgusting TJ but — has anyone ever had a toenail fall off? I just had this happen (at work ewwwwwwww) and I think it’s related to running. I just started running again after several years off. I remember this happened to me in high school as well with my big toe (this time it is my index toe) and it did grow back – but is there something I should be doing to prevent this?
FWIW I’m confident I’m wearing the right shoes for me.
So no injury or trauma to the toe, the nail just fell off? I’ve never heard of that, and I’m an ultra-distance runner and have heard of all sorts of running-related injuries.
I run in the half to full marathon distance, and I’ve been lucky enough never to have that happen. I have had bruised (not very painful) toenails, especially when running trails… I don’t think it’s so much the wrong size shoe as the wrong combination of footwear and terrain, or the wrong combination of sock and shoe. If I’m running a bunch of downhills and am tired, my toes definitely show it. Adjusting my laces or shoes or socks so that my feet aren’t kicking the front of my shoe definitely helps.
Yes, this is common. It’s not a big deal. The nail will grow back. Trim your toenails shorter and more often. Or buy different shoes. Google “runner’s toe” for more.
I’ve had toenails fall off from a sport before. You’re not permanently damaging yourself. Cut them and file them in and down as much as possible. You could also try taping if there’s one that gives you trouble.
I had this happen. Sometimes it’s related to fungus. If you are a person who like to show off your toes, rest assured, you can still wear open-toed shoes/sandals/flipflops. First, no one will notice, and second, nail salons are used to sticking a fake nail on there and painting it like the rest. They do it all the time.
My mom hit her toe with a hammer and the nail fell off. My aunt had a fungus and her nail fell off. Mine fell off once after running.
They all grew back. No one ever noticed unless we told them.
With all of the discussions going on regarding familial relationships, it has made me think of my own relationship with one of my sisters. I would like to work out our problems, but she isn’t the type to accept responsibility for anything. We have a problem that she blames me 100% for but my family, and even her best friend, side with me. (That’s not important to me, by the way, I know for a fact I did what needed to be done in a certain situation, and she didn’t like what I did.)
I do however, need advice on how to handle the situation. I’m hesitant to post all the details on this site, but have any of you ever dealt with a problem with a sibling (or someone equally as close) where they will accept no responsibility, and they’ve cut off contact with you for doing something that you did because it was in their best interest? If not, and I get that responses will be limited because I haven’t given a lot of information, is this something that would be helpful to work through with a therapist? I seriously wish there could be a mediator (unbiased, and unknown to both of us) in the room when we talk about this issue, but I don’t even know how I would go about finding someone to do that.
IMO, you either accept how the other person feels or you don’t. If you accept how he/she feels, you can both move on. In some cases, this is easy. In some (like yours), this is difficult because you feel the other person is wrong. To accept how the other person feels, you need to acknowledge it, tell them that you understand and usually this involves an apology for your actions, and then letting it go.
You can certainly work with a therapist to move past your anger/frustration/hurt, but you can’t force a mediation on your sister and a therapist will only help you deal with whatever is in your head/heart. Family counseling deals with multiple people in the same room but I don’t see how you could convince her to go with you.
Go to therapist to help you figure out how YOU can accept the situation with your sister. If your intent is make your sister go to therapy with you to prove that you are right about her inability to accept responsibility for her actions, with the hope that the light bulb will finally go off for her, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
In the end, you can only control your own reactions – that’s where any therapy is going to be most helpful.
Hmmm. I say this as an older bossy sister, but why are you doing things for her own good instead of letting her be a grown up? It’s hard to say without details, but I think if you can take responsibility for the fact that you need to step back a bit, that might help. Try treating her like someone new you’d like to be friends with: pleasant contact, interest in her life, respectful of boundaries, trying to find common interests. I love my sister, but I’m pretty sure I drive her batty doing things because I think it’s what’s best from time to time.
I accept how she feels, and I also do accept the situation, and my part in causing it. What I would like to do is work out the situation so that we can at least attend holidays and family gatherings together.
Anne, I totally get that, but this is the one and only time I have ever done anything that was ‘for her best interest.’ So it’s not a serial offense or anything.
Basically, she isn’t in a healthy situation right now, and I was concerned for her well being, as well as that of others in her household. So I contacted a professional who I thought could help her, and that all went to h*ll in a hand basket, because the person I contacted was an idiot.
Probably gave too much info, but maybe that helps clear it up a bit. Also, I am not sorry for what I did, so any apology would be a lie.
Then, honestly, I think it will be hard to repair. It isn’t your job to make sure she’s in a healthy situation, and it sounds like your actions made her life worse. I fully get that you did it with the best of intentions, but I think a sincere apology is your best bet for smoothing things over. Would it help to think of it as apologizing because your actions lead to this relationship break, even if you dont voice that part to her?
In some cases, family is the only way an unhealthy situation will get better. I think it depends on the situation and the family, but I can easily see many situations in which a sibling may be the only (or one of the few) in a position to help.
I don’t think apologizing for something you are not sorry for is a good route. I might ask her to schedule a time for you to sit down and talk. Then (or in a letter or message of some sort if she won’t meet you), you can explain you intentions and tell her that you absolutely did not intend the results and would love to help her move past the situation in whatever way she thinks is best. Explain that you love her and want to have the relationship you had before (or whatever the truth is). Even if she does not respond well to this, I think it will help you with closure and acceptance, as you truly did everything you could with the best of intentions.
Also, I doubt you gave too much away – there are many, many situations which would fit your description! (Not that I am asking for more details – just wanted to let you know, as sometimes I think I give too much away because I know the situation but others have no idea what is happening.)
I had a somewhat similar situation with a very close friend (basically family) leading to us not speaking for a long time. After about a year, we started speaking again because, no matter what was wrong, we really are like family and needed each other. While things are not as they were before (partly to that and partly to the fact that we live far away from each other and have very different lives in terms of career, free time, family, etc.), we are again very close friends. So even if your sister won’t listen to you, there may still be hope in the future for a good relationship.
Best of luck!
Thanks for this. It really is bothering me today for some reason. When I said “unhealthy” I meant: concerned for the physical safety of her and three kids under the age of 5. I really don’t think I could have just done nothing.
I’m super late to this but I posted in the past about having to remove my alcoholic cousin from my grandmother’s 100th birthday party and the ridiculous aftermath that followed with my Aunt disowning me. I received SO MUCH good advice here that I think would apply to your situation. I’m not strong in the google-fu but someone could probably find the post for you. The take away I got from that experience is that sometimes you are the one that ends up hurt by doing the right thing but it doesn’t change the fact that you did the right thing. Dysfunctional people are often in denial and extremely embarrassed when forced to confront their dysfunctional behaviors. Rather than admit the wrongs they committed they would rather lash out at the rational one. It is how they survive.
In your situation, you probably did something for her safety and that of her kids. Regardless of whether that person you enlisted was an idiot, it forced her to face the fact that she wasn’t doing enough on her own to keep herself and her kids safe. That is dysfunctional and embarrassing. Rather than saying “I screwed up and let my kids down” it is easier for her to say “stupid sister doesn’t know anything and did xyz that led to abc and now I have to deal with all this crap.” That is how she copes. In her head, she probably knows you are right but won’t admit it. Someday, she might thank you. Maybe she will always be disillusioned but your duty was to those kids and you fulfilled it.
People are faced with those tough choices everyday. There comes a time when the right thing is the right thing no matter how much it ruins your relationship. In my book, that means doing whatever it takes to stop a drunk driver, doing whatever it takes to stop or prevent a child, an animal, the elderly or disabled from being abused/endangered, preventing someone from committing suicide or murder, etc.
Even if you never patch things up with your sister, you still did the right thing.
And accept that she may need a long time to forgive you.
Exercise advice needed.
I had an incredibly stressful June: travel, house guests, cat got sick, I got sick, worked too much, etc., etc. So I didn’t have time or energy to attend my bootcamp workout classes. After recovering (aka laying on the couch doing nothing) the final weekend in June, I thought I was ready to return to my fitness routine last Monday. Oh no I wasn’t. I crashed and burned. I took lots of time this weekend to recover and I do feel better.
I’m wondering if I should return to the gym tonight. I’m feeling good but I’m still relying on my alarm clock to wake me up in the morning. I’m tempted to just take a 30-45 minutes walk tonight for exercise instead of going to the gym. Is that too wimpy? Should I try to go to boot camp tonight and risk crashing again?
How do others know when it’s “safe” to return to an exercise routine after a stressful month?
It’s not dangerous to return to an exercise routine after a stressful month… if you want to go, go. If not, don’t go.
It’s safe! Just listen to your body and modified as needed. As long as your doctor hasn’t told you to be extra careful, you’re just out of shape. It will suck and then get better.
I think it’s totally safe to return to your routine… I think it takes more like 10 or 14 days for your body to recover and learn from your class last week, but I’d go, maybe using slightly lighter weights or something.
I took a brutal class 10 days ago that I was still feeling four days ago, but I don’t think it was “unsafe”. I was just out of shape. I took a week off and just did running, and will be back at the next class.
I typically dive back in wholeheartedly once I get to the point where the exercise is leaving me feeling energized and not so depleted that I can’t function, if that makes sense. I’m in a similar boat as you: I’ve been nursing a running injury for three months now, and I’m finally back to actually working out, but I’m giving myself two weeks of “easy” exercise (pilates, walking 4 miles or swimming) every day or every other before doing more hardcore workouts. I’m also coming off of 9 months of sleep deprivation, so overall, I’m exhausted and still recovering from an injury. There’s no way I can exercise like I did before without injuring myself or adding to the overall exhaustion that I’m trying to get over. If I were you, I’d increase the frequency, but not the stamina required until you feel like you can really go at it.
Thanks! I recognize that I am out of shape but I think I am in Frou Frou’s situation–last week I was so depleted I couldn’t function after my workout. It shocked me that my workout affected me so much–more than any of the Crossfit Hero WODs I used to do.
I am going to follow your advice, listen to my body, and just take a walk tonight after work. The boot camp classes will have to wait a few more days.
Good news: even after crazy June (and being off my meal plan), I am down 33 pounds since Christmas! I am halfway to my ideal weight and many of the health issues I was facing have disappeared.
Congrats on your progress! It’s so rewarding to see real progress, and not just in terms of needing smaller clothes, (though that is good too!) but in terms of tangible health benefits. I am easing back into working out again too and although I want to kick start it with intense workouts right away, I know that easing back in is usually safer, and more sustainable. Plus, it’s easier to do it more often when I don’t have to take a week off after working out because I overdid it! Also, remember to stay super hydrated – that always makes me feel way more tired if I don’t properly rehydrate after a workout. And protein!
Congrats! That is a huge accomplishment (especially with your crazy June).
I’m in the same boat. I was doing a running program and loving it. Then I got ridiculous full body poison ivy and didn’t run for a month. I just weaned off the steroids and can start exercising again. I had to keep my body cool before or else the rash would return. I know I can’t dive back into where I left off. I’m walking this week and then probably going to do week 4 of Couch to 5k or something similar until I get used to running again and then try to skip back ahead to where I had left off on my prior plan. I did a circuit at the gym w/ my husband this past weekend and took it VERY easy but still feel like I pulled a muscle in my calf. My body is just in recovery mode still.
Nonny - there's more
….and now she has unfriended me, my fiance and my mom on Facebook.
None of us tend to post anything on Facebook. In fact, I rarely even go there. I haven’t posted anything new in roughly a year. My fiance and my mom are similar.
I am keeping everyone’s comments from this morning firmly in mind but my thoughts are rapidly entering the WTF zone. Trying hard to stay mindful and compassionate.
That is a very knee jerk thing. It’s easy and quick and gives a little bit of immediate gratification. But it’s just Fb, its not a big deal, and it is easily reversible. It might also just be a way of protecting her from having to see baby updates which might just be upsetting right now.
Try to stick with the advice from this morning: just give her time and space. Don’t push it right away, she might just be having an immediate reaction and will get better when she has time to think and process.
I’m sorry this is dampening your good news though. Congratulations!!!!!
I’m sorry Nonny. What’s happening to you sucks.
To offer a half-penny’s worth of thoughts, I think Zora is spot on about protecting herself from baby updates. Not the same at all, but I have a friend who is in her late 30s, unmarried with no “prospects” and she’s basically given up on facebook because of all the engagement/wedding/baby announcements. It just hurts too much because she wants those things so very badly but all she gets is to watch everyone else get them. Here, it may be harder for your sister than even when her friends become pregnant because your successfully-conceiving genes could have been HERS (if you had the same parents), and instead she may feel like she received the “short end” of your family’s fertility gene pool. I can hardly imagine how hard this is for both of you in different ways. Just give her space. She’ll come back once she’s processed.
For me, there isn’t much to say beyond I’m sorry you’re upset and I love you. This is your sister, one of the few people who will very likely share life’s entire journey with you. This is one of the people who will love your child, second only to you. She is someone your child will love and turn to. Just let her know you will be there when she’s ready. Sure, it’s a free pass, but she’s your sister, and sometimes that’s what you do.
This and SFBayA are food advice. I’m sorry, this is a rough place right now.
Okay, that’s just crazy. If she wanted to protect herself from potential updates, she should stay away from FB. As silly as FB is, ‘de-friending’ your sister and mother is just not appropriate and is beyond petty and immature. I’m sure she is hurting really badly right now to act in such a way, but this seems like something more than just pain over not being able to have something she has been trying for and you just got. Maybe you should try to talk to her husband. Perhaps something happened more recently? Or maybe they are still trying and hormones are playing a role?
Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. This seems like a level of irrational that you couldn’t have prevented. As for what to do ultimately, I think time and space is probably right. If I was in your shoes and she comes around, I would probably try to let it go to salvage the relationship, but I would not pretend that it was in any way acceptable behavior.
Also, just a word if anyone wants to stop seeing updates on fb: you can easily click on the down tab by updates to stop seeing certain people or types of updates. That way, the people don’t know you aren’t seeing their posts but you don’t offend by defriending them.
Booo, I’m sorry it’s getting worse Nonny.
I’m sure that she’s just so upset right now, and trying to protect herself from more pain…I’m sure it’s hard for her to remember right now that there aren’t a finite amount of babies, and your pregnancy is not to spite her, or in any way “stealing” her pregnancy, but I can see how if I were in her position, this would be a huge smack of “omg, this is so unfair”. I really hope that she comes around, but I think it will take her a while. After years of infertility, to have your older sister conceive without intervention or obvious difficulty has got to really suck . A lot.
And if all she wants is a baby…I don’t know, I could totally imagine my younger sister doing this in the future if a similar situation arose.
And, in a short period of time you moved to one of the best cities in the world, joined a firm you seem happy at, bought a house, got pregnant and got engaged. It’s like you jammed all the milestones into a short period of time, like your entire life fell into order. You had to work for it, but sometimes that work isn’t obvious. It’s probably hard for her to see you getting “everything” in such a short period of time when she feels like she’s done everything right, and in the right amount of time (i.e. trying for a baby earlier in life), and not only does she not get the one thing she wants, you got all the things at once.
I think she just needs space, which sucks for you, but you can’t do anything about it…I’m really sorry this is casting a shadow over your pregnancy, but I do think things will work out eventually. It may get worse before it gets better, but it’s really hard to not love babies once they show up.
I feel so much emotion for your sister. I know that I should feel sympathy for you, because obviously, you are the one who posts on this site regularly, and I know nothing at all about your sister, and I understand that this is supposed to be a joyous time for you. But she must be hurting so much over this. Her perceived failure in an part of life that was clearly very important to her is now isolating her from her family. I am sure this is so very hard for her. I know this is your time to be excited and happy and nervous and hopeful, and a million other positive emotions. I feel like she needs kindness though at this point. I have never been pregnant (yet!), but I assume it is hard for you to have someone ask anything of you at this time, or place any expectations on you. Particularly someone like your sister, who you probably thought you could count on for support. But, this is what it is, and she needs something from you, which I think is just careful kindness and consideration and a gentle response to some of the rash actions that she is taking right now.
I think you should just give her distance and time. You don’t have to apologize or reach out, just know that you’re not going to have her support through your pregnancy and make peace with it.
I have been in situations with my two older sisters where I’ve had some great personal successes/joys/etc. while they have been dealing with some very difficult personal problems (divorce and infertility, although no miscarriage). When I got married both sisters were going through very difficult break-ups and were just not there for me at the wedding. They were my maid and matron of honor, but they didn’t take any step in planning or celebrating any part of the wedding. It sucked, but they were dealing with their own pain and I just had to toughen up and accept they weren’t going to be able to really celebrate my happiness. (I acknowledge that having a baby is a bit more serious than planning a wedding).
One thing I have learned to do is to work really hard to not let my feelings get hurt, and to recognize that I’m extremely lucky to have what I have. This may offend some of the other commenters because it may come across like pity, but I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s just acknowledging that you have certain joys that your sister can’t experience, and to be even more grateful for what you have. Find those people in your life right now who can truly celebrate your happiness and share your excitement with them.
Hopefully your sister will get over her grief. Mine did and she now is a single mom with a beautiful son that she adopted, and she’s happier than she ever was before.
I should also say that I think it’s perfectly normal and appropriate for you feel sad and upset that your sister isn’t there for you right now. That totally sucks. Rage and mourn inside, vent to your partner, etc., and then suck it up and be the bigger person. It sounds like you have a lot of practice in that role already.
I’m guessing she did it to avoid seeing status updates about your baby. Maybe she doesn’t know that she can hide them. It would make a lot more sense for her to just quit Facebook herself or to give you an email heads up “hey sis, I can’t handle seeing FB posts and I want you to feel free to post them so I’m just unfriending you for now.” Obviously, she didn’t do that.
Since I am in the WTF camp but also understand the “she’s hurting” camp, could you take a middle road? What if you sent her an email that said “I’m worried about you. I was not expecting your reaction on x date and now you have unfriended all of us on Facebook?? Please talk to me. I had no idea you were having a rough time and I still don’t really know what is going on. I’m here when you are ready.” That way you don’t apologize but you let her know you care and want to understand.
Also wanted to add that my husband went through a brief bout of depression and unfriended anyone who seemed to be having a happier life than him on Facebook. He wasn’t in a place to talk about it at the time and that just seemed cathartic for him. What was less fun for me was answering all the “wtf, why did your husband unfriend me?” emails. A few years later we both quit FB for different reasons and it was such an awesome decision.
Does anyone know what’s the deal with these uncompensated AUSA jobs or uncomp’d fed atty jobs in general? Who applies for these? Do they really go a full year without compensation, or are these foot in the door/leading to paid employment gigs? I’ve noticed them on USAjobs for a few years now and I’m curious how working for the feds (unpaid) pans out.
I have no clue but I’ve always been curious too. My SO had a hell of a time working for the fed gov for a year on a school grant because of the federal wage and gift laws.
I am migraine-prone anyway, but for the past couple of months I’ve been getting very headachey very easily. It’s really curtailing my wine-drinking life, which needed to happen anyway. It’s a heavy-headed feeling, not stabbing pain.
Do y’all think it could be Wellbutrin? I started taking it six months ago. Another idea I had is some kind of allergy, because I am also sneezing from time to time. But I don’t have any stuffiness.
Get thee to your doctor. It could be either; hell you could have a low grade sinus infection. Get yourself to a reputable primary care doctor.
Hey the dress post from this morning disappeared completely!
yeah can’t find it either….
I actually never saw it. I’m using IE. The front page looks frozen in time to me. That is, it still reads 102 comments, although when I click through it shows the correct number.
I can see it now! (Thanks Kat.)
102 comments on this page (the blue belt)?
I haven’t been able to see anything but the blue belt/102 comments all day (but can click through to all comments, obv). Am on Chrome.
Agreed – mine shows 102 comments on the homepage and the blue belt, not the dress post referred to above. When I click through to blue belt comments, it shows 183 comments. Using IE 9.
Wednesday morning in Canada using Firefox and Safari this still shows the blue belt/102 comments. If there were other posts on Tuesday or today I can’t see them!
It’s gone for me too.
Wacky — I wonder why! What do you get if you go to the direct links for today’s posts? (a 404 page? Zero comments?) I’ll put the current comment count after each post (as of 2:35):
Just got back to my office. I can see the new posts (and get to them) via my iGoogle feed, but when I go to the home page this is the most recent post I see.
I’m using Chrome, and haven’t been able to see anything new all day (and still see 102 comments on this post). The links seem to work fine for me, though.
Same here, on chrome.
same here, on firefox and chrome
Fooey!!! Me too I can’t get posts on my computer or iPhone! I even tried Franks computer and he looked down my blouse! Pervert! Fix plse!
Ladies – do you have any tips on how to buy just a few items to really add more variety to your wardrobe? In other words, I’m getting bored with my work clothes and feel like I’m wearing the same ones over and over again but I don’t have a lot of extra $ right now to go out and buy a lot of new items. Any suggestions on how to use what you already have in different ways, or buy just one or two key pieces to be able to spice things up? TIA!
Sigh. I just got rejected for a job I REALLY wanted. I try not to get attached to jobs during the interview stage, but I couldn’t help it with this one. I knocked the interview out of the park and had worked with the organization in the past, so they knew me. Seriously, I am crushed.
Awww. I’m so sorry. I’ve totally been there too.
Me too. Hugs to you. A better job will materialize!