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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 277 Comments · by

Thursday’s TPS Report: Chevron Crewneck Sweater

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150 | · · ·

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Pink Tartan Chevron Crewneck Sweater Last Call by Neiman Marcus is having a pretty great sale right now: extra 10% on top of 30% off entire purchase (on top of their “regular” sales prices). There's a ton of great stuff, some in lucky sizes — for today I'm liking this olive crewneck sweater by Pink Tartan. I like the three-quarter length sleeves, the wide crew neckline, and the ribbed hem — it looks like a great basic sweater. I'd wear it with navy trousers and, perhaps, purple pumps. It was $225, but is currently marked to $119 — after the 30% + 10% it comes down to $75ish. Pink Tartan Chevron Crewneck Sweater Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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Comments

  1. Baltimore-Rettes?

    Just curious, are there any other Baltimore c*rporettes out there?

    • DC Jenny

      Hello Baltimore-3tt3s! I will be in your fair city this weekend, but I’m kind of sad about it because I have recently developed a shellfish allergy, so if you are in a crab-serving establishment and see someone mournfully pressing her nose against the window while a single tear rolls down her cheek, that’s me.

      Also, is the aquarium as great as everyone says?

      • L

        We are planning a trip there since I haven’t been in like 20 years; from the website it still looks awesome! Could you report back?

        • DC Jenny

          Definitely. I figure if I can’t eat all the sea creatures, I can at least go see them swimming around and whatnot.

      • Spicy

        Yeah, the aquaruim does live up to its reputation. The shark tank is awesome – its a several story circular tank and you walk down a spiral ramp, encircled by the tank. Plus, if you go on a Friday after 5pm, its only 12 bucks.

        DC Jenny – I hope you at least got to try a Chesapeake bay blue crab before your shellfish allergy! To have loved and lost is better than never having loved at all …

      • Ellie

        Yes, it is, although it gets really crowded on the weekend (especially with children).

      • MsLurksALot

        The Aquarium is really terrific – I went a couple of Saturdays ago. One of the main tanks is under construction (I think it used to hold rays), but the majority of it is amazing. I highly, highly recommend you arrive early (unless you do the Fri afternoon deal) since after 11 am the place is filled with shrieking toddlers and their screaming parents trying to push their kid in front of you…..unless you yourself are bringing children under 12, then pretty please for the sanity of childfree grownups who like to see animals, come later in the day! Have a fun trip!

    • Spicy

      Glad to see there are at least a handful of us Baltimore ‘hons out there! Also a long-time reader, but pretty sporadic commenter,

      The OP from above

  2. Diana Barry

    I think I would wear this with dark brown pants and leopard wedges! And some kind of warm colored statement necklace, like gold and tortoiseshell something-or-other. (I think we all recommend different things based on the difference in our coloring. LOL)

    Wrap dress Q for the hive: I am wearing a wrap dress today (Boden) and keep having to adjust the top bc it slips down, making the V too low. I am loath to put in a snap bc I think if/when I change b**b size (shrink), the snap will be in the wrong place. Is this a problem just limited to those of us who are large of b**b, or is it an inherent flaw in the wrap dress itself?

    • Emily I

      I am wearing a Boden wrap dress today, too, and I have very small “girls.” I have to wear a cami yo get sufficient coverage.

    • sunrays7

      camisoles, whether they are showing or not, help keep my wrap dresses in place on top (36D).
      also, if there is still an “if” for the shrinkage surgery, then don’t worry about having to move the snap – you can have them adjusted if you decide to go ahead with the surgery.in the meantime, you won’t annoyed when you wear a lovely dress!

    • KC

      Could you put in a snap now and remove it if you need to change the fit later? Removing it would take all of 30 seconds with a seam ripper. Depends on how fragile the material is, but I doubt a snap would do any damage to jersey.

          • Diana Barry

            My mom is GREAT, she sews really well and made all my Easter dresses when I was a kid. :)

        • EC MD

          I have officially off-loaded the halloween costume making process to my mother. She and my son have a great time together thinking it over and planning it, she is fabulously talented, and it’s one less thing i have to think about it. The funniest part, to me, was that my mother had no use for Halloween when I was a kid. Maybe it was the whole single-mom, working full time thing but she’s had a total 180 in her retirement. Moms who are crafty rock and I will have to pick up some skills between now and well, sometime. I make my husband take his shirts to the dry cleaner to have the buttons sewn on. It’s just not my thing.

          • KC

            Funny story. I was a chaperone for a school trip/out of state competition, and a button fell off of one of the kids suits. It was a really simple fix, but man were they all impressed ;)

      • N.

        You could also try putting snaps inside the dress, rather than where the V is formed at the neckline — for example, if there is an under bust seam, you can put a snap where each piece of the wrap meets the underbust seam, and if there is damage from the snap that way it won’t be visible later.

      • SF Bay Associate

        Also, if it’s slipping down, not so much a widening V, maybe you should have your mom put in those little snaps at the inside of the shoulders that you put your bra strap into. I don’t know what these are called, but the things in sleeveless tops/dresses that you snap your bra strap into so that your bra strap doesn’t show? If you put those in this dress, the bra straps should help the dress stay in place, I think.

        • KC

          I’ve always referred to them as lingerie snaps (while the little ribbons that hold a top/dress on a hanger are lingerie straps). That’s probably not their official name… but it works :)

      • zora

        i second ‘fashion tape’ … it’s a little annoying cuz you have to put on a new piece everytime, but it’s easily removable when ‘things change’ ;o)

      • Sugar Magnolia

        Very specifically, Hollywood Fashion Tape. I swear by it. That stuff will not move until you take the time to carefully peel it away. I have been using tons of it to help conceal the girls that pop out unless I adjust the low necklines in my maternity tops.

    • TBK

      Inherent flaw. I’m a small B and I always wear a camisole under wrap dresses/tops because I think that pinning or putting in a snap makes it pull funny.

  3. h

    I like this. I totally recommend Pink Tartan. Everything I’ve bought from them is really high quality. Of course, I always buy it on sale from Rue La La or Gilt.

    • InfoGeek

      Has anyone seen this sweater in person? According to the description it has “Flat knit with tonal mesh-like insets at center”. I tried to zoom in on the picture, but I can’t tell if the “mesh-like” center is see-thru to the skin or not.

  5. C.

    Early boyfriend-in-hiring-limbo threadjack:

    My boyfriend, J, works in the restaurant industry in our very food-oriented city, and he’s been looking to move on from his current mid-level position at a very good but increasingly bureaucratic restaurant.

    At the beginning of September, J had a very promising impromptu interview with a local restauranteur, a woman who owns two very highly-regarded places and who ascribes very much to the same nerdy passions as my boyfriend. Her approach seemed so complementary that we were very, very optimistic about the interest she showed in him, talking not only about the opportunities available for him at her current restaurant in our city but also about bringing him on board as she launches her next project this winter. It sounded too good to be true–and now we’re worried that it might have been.

    The woman followed up with a phone call about a week later, saying that she wanted to schedule a time for the two of them to talk further and go look at the still-empty space for the new place. After that, however, she totally flaked: she had to cancel the meeting they’d planned that week and was too swamped to even come out to talk to J herself, and she hasn’t responded to his follow-up email after that cancellation or his follow-up follow-up voicemail from earlier this week. (One glimmer of optimism: when she sent out a messenger to inform J that she had to cancel their meeting, the messenger said something like, “Oh, so you’re the guy she wants for the [New Place].”)

    Ladies, I know how busy y’all are, and I know how busy this woman must be, too–runs two businesses of her own, is in the midst of launching a third, and is a single parent to a young daughter–but we’re beginning to get paranoid and frustrated. Is it possible that she’s just totally, totally swamped, or do you think she’s actively avoiding telling J that she’s changed her mind? If anyone else is familiar with hiring practices in the food industry and wants to reassure me there, too, I’d be very grateful . . .

    • NOLA

      I’m going to come down on the side that she’s swamped. It sounds like she really was interested but sometimes life and work intervene even when we have the best of intentions. The issue will be to make sure he doesn’t fall off of her radar without seeming too needy. I would say to give her a few days then follow up.

    • DC Association

      I don’t work in the food industry, but she is probably just totally swamped and this, although a high priority, is not as high a priority as whatever else she’s got going on. You never know, her email could be down, there could have been a flood in the kitchen, multiple staff calling out and she’s short-handed, her daughter is sick, etc etc etc.

      Other thing could be the deal for the new place is falling thru and she’s spending every moment trying to salvage it.

      So, my take is she has not changed her mind but there are other factors at play.

      • Ellen

        She is very busy. I know b/c I am like that sometime’s between all of the case’s, and the thing’s going on OUTSIDE of work. I was afraid that she was tryeing to wuu your b/f, but it does NOT look that way. Yay!!!!!

        Anyway, the manageing partner and I are meeting with Roberta tomorrow, and JIM calls and says he want’s to go to lunch also. I said NO b/c we are haveing a BUSINESS lunch with Roberta, and the manageing partner does NOT want to discuss fees with Roberta with Jim listeneing in. He is RIGHT. I do NOT want to cut my rate’s either. So I told Jim we will meet another time with him, IF he has more case’s for me.

        Jim says we have all of the WC cases now, but that he have another round of do diliegence, but this one is in Saint Louis. I told him I would have to ask the manageing partner, b/c the manageing partner did NOT like it when I was away all week, and he had to cover my WC case’s. This trip would be AT LEAST another week, and I was a little skeeved out about him makeing me pay for his expense’s and makeing me go to Queen’s to drive him home. FOOEY on that, b/c the FIRM bill is alot bigger than it should be when he make’s me do that, and the manageing partner does NOT want Jim’s GENERAL COUNCIL to get p.o.’d when he has to pay the bill just b/c Jim was watcheing alot movies in his room and ran OVER his per deeim. FOOEY!

        Harold is also talkeing to me about driveing out Friday nite and staying over BOTH nites at the manageing partner’s house in the Hamton’s but I was hopeing just to go out SATURDAY and be back on Sunday. And David also is askeing about next weekend! I am SO busy with all of this that I wish I had my own secratary. Lynn is not helpeful.

    • Former Partner, Now In-House

      Assume she has good intentions but is just swamped. Also assume that this is what it is like to work with her.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Not in the restaurant industry, but my dad owns restaurants. Agree wholeheartedly, especially with that second sentence.

    • Niktaw

      Agree with all commenters. As with any job search, do not stop pursuing other opportunities in the hope that this is a done deal.

      • InfoGeek

        +100 on this comment.

        So many things can happen that are out of your control.

        • AmyRenee

          +100 also. One other thing that may be in play is that she could have been way overoptimistic on the “launching the winter” aspect. I know a few big ideas restauranteers and some of them have been talking about their next place they are going to launch “in a few months” for years. They have the best of intentions but their day-to-day existing projects get in the way of the new projects getting off the ground.
          If he’s really excited about working with her, he might push more on seeing if there are any openings in her current places so they can work together until she’s ready to move on the new project, that way he stays in her radar.

    • Susan

      I think Former Partner, Now In-House is right on the money with this one.

      I have a friend who owned and ran 1 restaurant for 15+yrs. His wife took on the lioness’ share of raising their three kids. He was always swamped, and almost never made any of his social engagements without some hitch/delay. Multiply this by 3, add single-parenting to the mix, and it can be sheer chaos.

    • C.

      Thanks to you all for such quick, reassuring responses! (And to Former Partner, Now In-House and Anonnc, yeah, that’s definitely being considered. Why does it seem that all bosses in the restaurant industry are either well-meaning but disorganized or total tyrants?)

      This is what I’ve been thinking (and saying), but it will mean a lot to J to see that all y’all on the internet agree that he should not feel shunned by this (and, as Niktaw pointed out, that he also should not feel that this is a done deal . . . )

  6. NOLA

    Okay, I don’t like olive or crewneck or the shininess of this sweater. Call me crazy, but I think it’s dull and ugly.

    • petitesq

      I totally read “call me crazy” in your post to the tune of “so call me maybe”. Thank you for the unintended giggle :).

      In other news, I agree. I don’t mind the tailoring, but my first thought was “shiny b o o b s!”

      • NOLA

        Heehee. Love it! I have to admit that every time someone writes about their DH, I think “designated hitter.”

          • mamabear

            +2 DH all the way.

            I also recently found out DL means something other than (and much worse than) Disabled List.

          • mamabear

            Also, I get a little confused because in my world AL means American League AND angry lesbian.

          • NOLA

            mamabear, you’re killing me! I also have had to distinguish between Disabled List and the other meaning of DL. I told my SO the other night that I was injured and would have to go on the DL, but I recovered, thank goodness. AL for me can ONLY mean American League.

          • petitesq

            Teeheehee! At my firm, we have “DL” group emails (meaning Distribution List). Now ruined forever!

          • eastbaybanker

            I have to register slight offense at the angry lesbian comment. (I must have no sense of humor this morning.)

      • Susan

        I think the designer of this sweater isn’t sure if she’s coming or going.

        I don’t think the designer realizes that the clingy-tightness of the sweater + the shiny boob thing doesn’t offset the crewneck +drab color. It just adds to the overall unflattering effect.

    • N.

      I like the colour, but I’m with you on the shininess — I’d be all “hello b**bs!” in this.

      • CKB

        I also love the color – olive green does wonderful things for my eyes & skin. However, I’m not hot on the shininess and I’m concerned about the mesh down the front & how see through it is – like someone else posted above.

  7. Snoozy

    Since a few people have posted about various medical conditions, I thought I’d throw this out there. Anyone else with narcolepsy posting here? And if so, how do you manage on a day-to-day level? I cope pretty well at work, but given my general need for naps etc, I find I really don’t have much of a social life at all. Not to mention things like going to the gym etc, which I can’t always manage. Spontaneity is basically impossible (I can’t really adjust the time I go to bed or wake up), and people seem to understand this sort of thing much less than visible problems. “Oh, I get tired too!” is not always a helpful response.

    I could probably be on slightly more medication, but a family history of heart problems makes that tricky, plus I have the unlucky problem that when I’m more medicated against the sleepiness, I get more of the other type of symptoms – being awake but having my legs give way when I laugh isn’t much of a solution!

    And more generally, how do people with chronic conditions cope with careers? I don’t want to give up – I’m only in my thirties, and am not unambitious – but when I have a morning when medication, time with my light box, a cold shower and caffeine isn’t enough to keep me from nodding off on the bus TO work, I do wonder whether it’s worth it. At least I have a fairly flexible schedule, and have finally convinced the powers-that-be that expecting me to be at work before 8:30 in the dead of winter is asking too much.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I don’t have your condition but I do have some tips for working with an invisible disability. For me, I am fairly vocal about my needs. I think when you have an invisible disability that impacts your work you have to be. If you are in a job that qualifies, use ADA protections for reasonable accommodations. Even those that don’t qualify usually understand that standard and will at least loosely try to follow it.

      My issue has periods were I’m healthy and then periods when I’m not. One thing I do is really work my butt off when I am physically capable of working long hours and being all over everything. Then when I’m sick and need to call out for a day or two, my boss knows it is my medical condition and I’m not slacking. Same goes if my hours dip for a couple weeks and I come in late and leave early during that time. They know I’m sick and doing the best I can and that I will be better soon.

      In your case, I’d work hard when you feel up to it and scale back when you realize you need to. A reasonable accommodation for you if you have a desk job and independence in your work would be a flexible schedule (arrival and leave time so long as the work is done), occasional work from home, and maybe the ability to nap during the day. I had a coworker with Lyme disease and she could only continue working if she slept for 40 minutes after lunch. My boss allowed her to nap in a break room and she took a shorter lunch and worked a half hour later to make up for it. For her, it was key that people knew she was napping for a medical reason, not because she was odd or lazy.

      Think about what would be ideal for your condition and then try to structure your work around your highs and your lows.

      • Bluejay

        Agree with everything, especially with disclosing and requesting accommodations. I think you’d be surprised at how accommodating employers and colleagues can be when they know you’re unwell. My disability is also invisible, and if I didn’t disclose I think I’d just be perceived as a terrible employee; since I disclosed, I have a ton of support at work, both in official and unofficial capacities.

      • Snoozy

        Thanks for the tips. I have an office with a door and could actually nap more than I do – I might discuss that with my boss. And I think I will have to be more open about things. I’ve always been reluctant to do so, because I’ve had bad experiences with people finding narcolepsy funny (why? I mean, digging my my fingernails into my palms until my hands bleed in an attempt not to fall asleep in a crucial meeting – hilarious for all, I’m sure…) but I can’t let that stop me. (I’m in Europe, so disability regulations differ, and my condition isn’t really considered serious enough to qualify for much assistance, as it’s not mobility related.)

        I’ve managed to put together a schedule where I don’t have be at work before 9:30am for the next six months, barring emergencies. I feel a bit bad though, as other colleagues then have to be there for 8am or earlier, and that isn’t fun in winter. (They can leave earlier, then, but still…) How do your colleagues react if they have to pick up the slack now and then?

        More generally, I just resent putting in all this effort at work, and then having nothing left in the tank for anything fun. And I don’t earn enough to outsource all my daily chores and leave me energy for doing other things, although I’m trying to scrape together enough for a cleaner. Oh well, first world problems, I know.

        • Bluejay

          My accommodations include not having to arrive at work at any specific time in the morning, having a sun lamp paid for by my employer on my desk, and being able to go to doctor’s appointments without taking leave so long as I make up the hours later. Only one of these accommodations went through HR; the rest were just my boss being reasonable and nice. My colleagues don’t get upset about it because, frankly, they’d rather have to get to work at 9 than have my medical condition. I think you’d be surprised how much people will put up with once they know it’s a medical issue.

          • AmyRenee

            If possible, make sure your coworkers know the accomodations go both ways. They might have to pick up the slack for you first thing in the morning, but are there things you can do to help them out so that if they can’t wrap something up at the end of their day you can take it on? Not to be obnoxious about it, but it also helps sometimes to send emails when you are in the office late, so hopefully when people start snarking “Snoozy doesn’t get in until 9 am!” they can see that you are still working long after they’ve closed up shop for the day and headed home. This is how I got my co-workers buy-in for me having to come in late regularly for a series of doctors appointments – once they realized they could pass me something when they left and have it ready for them the next morning, they didn’t mind covering for me for an hour or 2 in the morning.

          • goirishkj

            This has been my experience as well–I’ve got ulcerative colitis which is another one of these hidden illnesses. It took me a loooooooong time to be comfortable telling coworkers that I have health issues at all, but once I did I have found people to be reasonable. I have a decent amount of sick leave, but my boss is really flexible about letting me save that leave by coming in early/staying late to make up time. And as long as I get my work done, he knows it will get done and is reasonable. Good luck!

        • Brant

          In terms of colleagues, I would really stress that communication is KEY. I had a coworker acting like a complete flake for a few weeks. She finally told me (sort of by accident) that her husband had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and she was trying to deal with the family, the doctors, etc. It totally changed my perspective from resenting her to going out of my way to be helpful.

          In your situation, telling coworkers will also help them understand how to help you. They are more likely to ask before scheduling early meetings, or offer to cover for you.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Read the spoon theory. It describes exactly what you are talking about.
          http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

          When I was at my worst, I found sharing the spoon theory with my loved ones really helped. They understood that they could only ask so much of me and something minor (taking out the trash) really could put me over the top if I had worked a regular day and done something social. It really puts it in perspective.

          I think it is all about prioritizing the spoons. During a crucial work time, I might not socialize at all outside of work and I might let all the household chores fall by the wayside except feeding the dog and cat. Then, when work gets more normal, I might slack at work a bit to allow me the energy to catch up at home and on the social front. I know I can’t do all of the things all of the time. It is kind of the same as the working mother balance. My life is just triage all the time. When I have conflicting priorities I pick what is most important.

          It is hard but it gets better. Is your disease new to you? If so you will probably pick up coping skills as you go along. Sometimes when I am fatigued in a meeting, I will get up and walk out for a minute, pretend to need a stretch or something, then come back in.

          I also have attention issues. I find that if I take copious notes during a meeting it is easier to pay attention. I have no idea if you would find this more tiring. I also compulsively sip a beverage. I try to actively pay attention by trying to speak or add to the conversation fairly frequently. That doesn’t work in all situations but it does help. I’m slightly guilty of speaking to hear myself speak but it is actually if I know I’m speaking I will pay attention. Also, if I am not truly a necessary party, I will duck out if I’m not feeling well in the meeting. If your colleagues know of your condition and you start falling asleep, and you really don’t have to be there, you can step out and later just tell them your condition was acting up and you didn’t want to fall asleep.

          I think people unfortunately laugh when they hear narcolepsy and Tourettes (spelling issue) because those two diseases have been used in comedies far too often. Was it Deuce Bigalow that had the girl that swore at baseball games and the other one that would fall asleep while eating? I think they just equate the disease (not you) with those scenes and know that for you, it is not a funny issue.

          • Snoozy

            Thanks again for the advice, and to all who’ve commented. My diagnosis isn’t new, exactly, but working in a fairly responsible position is. (I’m an academic with both teaching and very heavy admin responsibilities, in a country where this means a lot more office and face time than it probably would in the US.) Before I simply had a lot more flexibility with my schedule, and was able to compensate for bad times by working like a maniac at other points – and it was much easier to fit in naps!

            I think the general outcome of this is that I need to be more open with colleagues, and I need to be kinder to myself. I am familiar with spoon theory, and I’ve been using all mine up in the office of late, and then spending my evenings with my sofa and a toasted cheese sandwich. Which is not much of a life. And is, more to the point, not necessary. I mean, I’m flexible when the people I’m in charge of have life issues, and have helped them rearrange their schedules accordingly, so apart from my reluctance to open my mouth, there’s nothing to stop other people helping me. (Well, except the general peril facing the competent – you do something well and thus end up with more work, while no-one bothers the lazy. This principle has given my poor boss an ulcer, a precedent I have no desire to follow!)

            Unfortunately I can and do fall asleep while taking notes, despite my best efforts (I have pages of notes where my handwriting disintegrates into wobbly lines), but sipping a drink might work – I don’t tend to nod off while eating that much – or just leaving the meeting after my part is finished instead of trying to hold out to the end.

            And goirishkj, it’s true about building up “street cred” by answering e-mails late. One of the reasons I can work from home now and then is that everyone knows I’m accessible while doing so, rather than taking the day as extra holiday or being too lazy to get up!

            And I’m very lucky in that, in this country, I’ve got oodles of sick leave which is completely independent of my regular annual leave. I always feel guilty taking it, because a) most of my colleagues don’t and pride themselves on working while ill (which I really don’t understand – we’re not NASA here!), or b) being too sleepy to work seems like a cop-out. Except that it’s true, with me.

            So thanks, all, for helping me to think through all of this. Clearly, I need to be more proactive, and stop caring about the people who think this is comic, or stop inviting me to to things because I can’t be 100% reliable (or spend time in certain venues, in a social setting – narcolepsy leads to you getting kicked out of pubs, bars and whatever for falling asleep or having a cataplexic episode even if you haven’t been drinking anything, for which you can’t really blame a bouncer. It did make my early twenties rather dull, though!)

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I got stuck in moderation. Here is my comment again without the link. You can google spoon theory to get the link.

          Read the spoon theory. It describes exactly what you are talking about.

          When I was at my worst, I found sharing the spoon theory with my loved ones really helped. They understood that they could only ask so much of me and something minor (taking out the trash) really could put me over the top if I had worked a regular day and done something social. It really puts it in perspective.
          I think it is all about prioritizing the spoons. During a crucial work time, I might not socialize at all outside of work and I might let all the household chores fall by the wayside except feeding the dog and cat. Then, when work gets more normal, I might slack at work a bit to allow me the energy to catch up at home and on the social front. I know I can’t do all of the things all of the time. It is kind of the same as the working mother balance. My life is just triage all the time. When I have conflicting priorities I pick what is most important.
          It is hard but it gets better. Is your disease new to you? If so you will probably pick up coping skills as you go along. Sometimes when I am fatigued in a meeting, I will get up and walk out for a minute, pretend to need a stretch or something, then come back in.
          I also have attention issues. I find that if I take copious notes during a meeting it is easier to pay attention. I have no idea if you would find this more tiring. I also compulsively sip a beverage. I try to actively pay attention by trying to speak or add to the conversation fairly frequently. That doesn’t work in all situations but it does help. I’m slightly guilty of speaking to hear myself speak but it is actually if I know I’m speaking I will pay attention. Also, if I am not truly a necessary party, I will duck out if I’m not feeling well in the meeting. If your colleagues know of your condition and you start falling asleep, and you really don’t have to be there, you can step out and later just tell them your condition was acting up and you didn’t want to fall asleep.
          I think people unfortunately laugh when they hear narcolepsy and Tourettes (spelling issue) because those two diseases have been used in comedies far too often. Was it Deuce Bigalow that had the girl that swore at baseball games and the other one that would fall asleep while eating? I think they just equate the disease (not you) with those scenes and know that for you, it is not a funny issue.

          • SoCalAtty

            So I’m just going to out myself that I was the one that posted about potential colitis etc. and have to have tests to figure out what it is, and say that the spoon theory perfectly describes what I’m dealing with right now.

            Although I feel like I’m dealing with about 6 spoons right now. So glad I have a giant SUV with tinted windows I can crawl into for lunch and nap in. I think once my doc figures out what this is, I’m just going to have him write an official note and give it to the managing partner. There is an office that her spouse uses just maybe once or twice a month that has a big couch in it that we use if we need a break and we are here late – I think if they had an official notice of what is going on I could use the empty office no problem.

          • goirishkj

            This is perfect. It describes life with a chronic illness SO WELL and is so true.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Ugh. I am repeatedly in moderation. Google spoon theory. The rest of my comment will be up soon.

    • Posting

      Snoozy, Bluejay and Blonde Lawyer covered the important answers to your question, but have you tried going gluten-free to see if it helps? Yes, gluten-free is a big fad, but if you look at the autoimmune connection, there may be a link. Gluten-free diets are a pain somewhat but trying it can’t hurt you and may help. Won’t help everyone with narco. Good luck.

  8. anon in-house

    I really like this and think it could be a good ‘connector piece’ for my wardrobe, but I feel like $75 is still too much for a shirt. Am i wrong?

    • eastbaybanker

      That’s my problem with Last Call. Any ridiculous percent off Neiman Marcus prices is still pricey. I predictably abandon my “scores” at checkout after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

  9. L

    So today is my Friday :) And I got engaged this weekend. AND I have almost nothing to do at work other than swoon over practical, but pretty wedding stuff. I’m afraid of the knot and have read APW (I take at 50/50 approach there). Do any other ‘r e t t e s out there have blog/book suggestions? I’m still in the “this is awesome” phase, but when I come down I’d like to be prepared and avoid the wedding insanity.

      • mintberrycrunch

        Sorry, just realized this isn’t really what you were asking for. But I do stand by my recommendation as full of really really pretty pictures :)

        • TBK

          +1 on this. I read SMP every day while I was engaged. It was what I did while I drank my morning coffee.

          • L

            That is exactly what I did this morning. I’m pretty much a flower addict. I would be too irl if my allergies didn’t hate me quite so much.

    • DC Jenny

      I don’t have any suggestions since my solution to avoiding wedding insanity is to avoid a wedding, but I just want to say congratulations! How exciting!

      • BKDC

        Haha– as someone who is contemplating divorce, this reply made me smile. But congrats to you, L!

    • SF Bay Associate

      Congrats! Part of the way you avoid the wedding insanity is you figure out what you and s/he want now, before you are propagandized. Make a list of what you care about and don’t care about. Ask your fiance to do the same. I’m an APW evangelist (though I 100% agree with the objections of the ladies here on that whole “your wedding is not [ever] an imposition” thing is absurd) but like any other source, it can be unduly persuasive. Maybe you really care about favors (which APW deemphasizes and WIC pushes) and really don’t care about cake (which everyone kinda pushes). Don’t give a hoot about the dress but want awesome booze? Write a note to yourself to remember what’s important to you and him before you plunge into this. Figure out a good draft of your guest list as soon as you can, putting it in tiers… must have… must and really really want to have… must and want… everyone under the sun… or however so you can start looking at venues and figuring out your budget. Keep your budget and priorities top of mind as you forge ahead into planning.

      • Brant

        I totally agree. I have been to GORGEOUS, loving, beautiful weddings in all budget ranges (my two favorites had a budget of 10k and a budget of “whatever you want” (cost estimates are in the 250k range). I have also been to weddings that cost anywhere from 20k-100k and were just “meh” from a guest perspective.

        If you focus on what’s important to you, you can put together a gorgeous wedding with wonderful memories on almost any budget. Nobody will remember the brand of your shoes or what flowers were in your centerpieces– they’ll remember how happy you and your husband looked, and maybe how bad their hangover was ;)

        • L

          Thank you, this is great. And yes to the hangover. We throw a hell of a party normally, so I want it to be ceremony – aw and reception – fun! afterparty – shenanigans.

        • L

          Oooh, if I can follow up (again the not much work today) what do you think top 3 are the best/worst things for guest experience? I have my list, but I’m curious as to others.

          • PollyD

            Worst things:
            Music is too loud – a huge peeve. I should be able to comfortably talk with people sitting at my table.
            Room is too cold – I know the men are in suits and the bride and bridesmaids often in heavy synthetic fabric gowns, but have a thought for your female guests.
            Very long time (more than an hour) with nothing to do between the ceremony and reception.

            As for best things, good food (doesn’t have to be hunk of meat, either, I’ve been to buffet style weddings with just finger food and enjoyed myself very much), and I kind of like it when there are desserts besides wedding cake, but that’s sort of optional. At least some wine or beer is nice, I can do without hard liquor and totally understand if the bride and groom decide they don’t want alcohol (but at least have some sparkling water or something for those of us who don’t like juice or soda). Also, quiet background music (did I say how much I hate loud music at weddings??), and not playing that stupid song that everyone shout-sings along with (Livin’ on a Prayer, maybe? Something sort of hairband-y from the 1980s).

            I really cannot emphasize enough how much I hate loud music at weddings, to the point that I am almost reluctant to go to most weddings anymore. I go to honor the bride and groom and get to meet their friends and relatives (bonus if I get to see some mutual friends who I haven’t seen in a while) and it’s just awful to be sitting at a table with them mere feet away and you can’t have any conversation at all. I don’t understand it – a wedding reception is not a rock concert and the music should not be the main focus of the event. Unless maybe the bride and groom are in the band.

          • Anon for family stuff

            I have a lot to say on this, but here’s my biggie:
            For me as a guest, something that falls into best/worst is the amount of time and distance between the ceremony and reception. There is nothing I hate worse than a noon ceremony and 6 pm reception, especially when they are an hour plus drive from my home. 3 pm ceremony and 6 pm recpetion an hour away also drives me slightly crazy. If you choose to do this, don’t be insulted by people who choose only to come to the ceremony or only the reception, especially those of us who have to pay babysitters to come. This is a pet peeve of my husband and I, as well as my father, so we made a point to have our ceremony in the late afternoon with cocktails starting immediately following at our reception site (which was a 2 block walk away). We took some of our pictures before the wedding, and for those after we also only went 2-3 blocks away and took less than an hour.

          • Brant

            Best things:
            – happy bride/groom. Seriously. You can absolutely tell which bride is worrying about the wedding, and/or p1ssed about something, and which ones are just enjoying their day. Do the latter.
            – good food (I’ll even settle for “not bad food”).
            – good band/DJ/Emcee- a good one will get your guests up and dancing all night (if that’s the kind of party you want)
            – wedding and reception are easy to get to, and easy to get from one to the other (if they are not at the same location). Bonus points if you can walk to the hotel. Especially relevant if you have a lot of out of state/town guests.

            Things brides care about but TRUST ME, nobody else does (I say this as a former bride and an attendee of 25+ weddings in the last 8 years):
            – signature cocktails
            – wedding favors
            – “welcome” bags–unless they are really awesome. Save your pennies and spend them on something else
            – what color the bridesmaids’ shoes are
            – what color/type/size of bouquet the bridesmaids hold
            – more than wedding cake for dessert (I like wedding cake. Grooms’ cake counts as wedding cake in this example. I don’t need a candy bar, a cookie bar, a Venetian table, a dessert liquor bar, a make your own waffle sundae bar, a waiter coming around with cookies and milk, etc. Just make sure that cake is good.) I had one wedding that sent everybody home with a “to go” piece of wedding cake. THAT was great!

            Small ideas/nice touches I’ve seen:
            – if you have a guest book/thing you want guests to sign, assign a member of the wedding party to make sure everybody signs it. Otherwise, half your guests will never see it.
            – Assuming you have an open bar, tip the bartenders in advance. Don’t allow them to put out tip jars. Same with valets if you have one.
            – SAY HELLO TO EVERYONE. THANK THEM FOR COMING.
            – don’t have a receiving line if you have a wedding of more than like, 100 people and/or can make it speedy.
            – if you want to maximize time with your guests, think about taking pictures beforehand (it’s definitely a trade-off) OR minimize your post-wedding photo time. Do you really need to drag your bridal party all over town?
            – if you are going to have a day-after brunch, make sure people know about it! Don’t start that at 9am.
            – if you are young, or young at heart, consider planning an after party. You’ll want to keep drinking/dancing, and so will your friends. Bonus points if you have snacks there. I went to a wedding that had In-N-Out cater the after party. AWESOME.
            –if you have a ton of out of town guests, consider inviting the to the rehearsal, or cocktails after the rehearsal dinner. Or get a block rate at a hotel with a bar/happy hour.

          • mousekeeper

            In reply to those who commented about unduly long times between ceremony and reception: this happens frequently for those couples who want to get married in a Catholic church AND have an evening reception. Most, if not all, Catholic churches do not schedule weddings after mid-afternoon on Saturdays because they have Mass on Saturdays (either 5 or 6). Then you have the restaurant/catering facility, etc., that wants to have one event in the afternoon and another in the evening, so starting an evening wedding reception at 4 or 5 is not an option. These were the problems we had when we got married. And then how many fabulous reception locations (especially if you are using the old-mansion-with-beautiful-grounds type of facility) are around the corner from Catholic churches? Plus, the bride and groom need time to have photographs taken after the wedding but before the reception at some beautiful outdoor location. All of these conspire to create LONG gaps between ceremony and reception, and the guests have to cool their heels somewhere.

          • AmyRenee

            @Mousekeeper,
            while I get what you are saying about Catholic weddings and logistics, it still annoys me, but I understand its what some people have to do to have the wedding they want. To alleviate this somewhat, its great if you can plan something for the guests to do/somewhere for them to go during this downtime. For instance, my cousin was married at a Catholic church in the Little Italy neighborhood of a city, so she emailed us a list of fun spots and things to do that afternoon in that neighborhood to kill time between the wedding and the reception.
            And again, not to you personally, but to some brides that insist upon this schedule and the APW advice that “your wedding is not an imposition” – don’t make snarky comments to me about only attending the reception but not the wedding or the ceremony but not the reception. No snarking at your guests should be the number one rule as far as best/worst for guest!

          • NOLA

            I’m not planning to get married again, but if I did I would want a waffle sundae bar. Who thinks of these things? I don’t really like cake so I wish I could have had the confidence to go rogue when I got married! If I did (again), I’d have ice cream and cookies.

      • Susan

        This is spot-on.

        Additionally:
        1. Determine very early on who pays. This is huge. If you and your fiance pay, then you two call all the shots and it’s a very easy way of shutting down anyone who wants to hijack or be pushy about their preferences.

        2. Corollary to No.1. Don’t let someone push their way in by contributing say, 10%, or “we’ll pay for the flowers.” That’ll defeat the purpose of 1. They’ll be able to have their say, and you’ll feel obligated and let them start pushing their way around on other stuff. When I got married, I had an “all or nothing,” — you pay for it all and you call the shots, or I (and fiance) pay for it all and we call the shots, no in-between. Nobody offered to pay for it all, and if anyone had offered, I’d have declined, but the point is, no cheap tickets to the Dictator’s Seat.

        3. Divvy up the work fairly between you and your fiance. Let him know, in a gentle but firm way, that it’s his wedding, too, and that he should have his preferences acknowledged, but also executed on (by him.)

        • Brant

          agree x1000. DH and I paid for our whole wedding simply so we would have the trump card. We used it when DH’s dad wanted to change the venue, we used it when my mom didn’t like the invites, etc. Our wedding, our money, our choices.

        • L

          I love number 2. This is what I’ve been struggling with because my inclination is to say thanks, but no thanks especially since neither of our families could afford to contribute (not to say they wouldn’t). And we’re on board with 3 – he’s so excited about it, makes the thought of planning it semi less horrific. But I should probably hold off on that feeling until 3 months down the road :)

      • Flamingo

        Fellow APW evangelist here. I think it makes a good point of driving home the need to keep things in perspective. As for the whole “your wedding is not an imposition”, I think it can get misinterpreted, but it was a helpful thought for me (the woman who did not invite extended family to a significant life event because I did not want them to feel obligated to come even though I really missed them not being there – issues much?). Overall highly recommend APW.

    • Diana Barry

      Ditto. I got married a while back and the knot was not quite so crazy as it is now, but it was still nuts. HOWEVER, the local boards, if they still have those, are really helpful for finding vendors. I found almost all of mine there – I got married about 2 hrs away from home, in a different state where no relatives lived, and the local board was hugely helpful.

      • L

        Thank you! This is helpful. The (general) knot scares the @#$ out of me. I saw something about custom tissue packets as “tears of joy catchers” and almost lost it. I will look at the local stuff.

        • Susan

          Mischievous part of me wants to go troll the heck out of them by suggesting glass for vials of blood for a big of Angelina + Billy Bob retro. The key is, the vials would be custom-blown glass that the couple makes together in an art studio.

      • Ellie

        I also really like their checkoff list. If you’re having a very small or vey low-key wedding it may not be helpful for you, and at first it had me super stressed out as I stared at a list of 200+ “to dos.” However, now that I’m a couple weeks from my wedding, it’s been a great help and awesome for my OCD-esque need to check things off lists (the item slowly disappears off the list! Poof!).

        • lucy stone

          I liked that also. I went through about a year before we got married and deleted everything we didn’t need but it was nice to get the reminders to order favors and that type of thing.

    • mamabear

      Are you the poster from a couple of weeks ago who was going crazy waiting for her boyfriend to propose?

      If not, does anyone know whether she posted an update?

      • L

        I am not! I knew in general it would happen at some point, but I figured not for a few more months. He completely surprised me – I was even in sweatpants :)

        • agal

          Congratulations! I was in PJs when my now husband proposed so I can relate to the sweatpants thing. Anyway, I would like to throw in a suggestion for a totally snarky blog called eastsidebride. I still check it almost daily two years after the wedding because it makes me laugh. But there can be really good suggestions/ideas there too.

    • TBK

      Btw, do NOT go near the discussion boards on the Knot. I posted a question there once (wondering how best to accommadate my good friend who would have a 4 month old at the time of my wedding) and ignited a hail of vitriol — apparently thinking of outfitting the bride’s room as a nursing room for my friend meant that I actually was resenting my friend and her baby, and only grudgingly making over the bride’s room because obviously every woman is an awful, hateful bridezilla. (Seriously, it’s a weird site, especially since there are lots of nasty people who got married like five years ago but still seemed to be regular posters.)

    • NDR

      I loved Offbeat Bride – it gives not only ideas for unusual and personalized weddings, but also ways to deal with friends/relatives who question why you’ve decided to get married in ghillie suits or carry caged parrots instead of flowers.

      Guest experience top 3:
      1. Throw a party that reflects who you and your groom are. You’ll feel more comfortable with it that way, and everyone will have more fun.
      2. In the same vein, spend money on what’s important to you (it was food and music for us), let that shine, and the rest will be a fuzzy memory to everyone else.
      3. If you have groups of guests that will naturally shake out into decently even tables, don’t bother seating the reception. If you have lots of one-off guests that won’t know anyone, consider assigning tables but not seats, just to make sure that no one gets stuck table-less, or the only couple at a table.

      And to your sweatpants engagement – I had a pants-less one. We had just come home from (what I didn’t realize at the time was) the reenactment of our first date. I was mid-undressing / getting ready for bed when I was called back to the couch. For the big question. Without my pants. He couldn’t really tell me to put them back on at that point, as it would ruin the surprise.

      And congrats and best wishes!

  10. btsbsc

    any ideas on what to wear to a charity dinner and concert at the kenndey center? the event website does not give specifics on attire. my guess is that it is black tie-ish. i was thinkin of wearing either a c*cktail dress or a sari. would that be weird?

    • Anastasia

      Kennedy Center attire runs the gamut from jeans to evening gowns, but for a charity dinner + concert, I’d err on the formal side. A sari sounds gorgeous!

  11. SunnyD

    I don’t really like this piece, but am glad Kat picked it. I bought an olive colored shell about a year ago and haven’t worn it because I have no idea what to wear with it. I feel like everything I try makes me look like I’m going into the army. What do you wear an olive colored top with?

    • anonymiss

      Magenta, dark purple, navy!

      The “What You Wear Can Change Your Life” book by the British What Not to Wear show hosts, Trinny and Susannah, has an amazing section on pairing colors with each other, which I recommend checking out if you’re struggling with color coordination. I consult it all the time!

      • KS

        I just checked out the stellar reviews about this book on amazon, and just bought a copy. I’m always impressed with the color combinations that many of you here suggest that would not have occurred to me. I’m looking forward to getting some other good tips from this book.

    • Sutemi

      I love olive with a dark, true red and with russet. When I am feeling colorful I pair my chartreuse shirt with olive corduroys.

      • hellskitchen

        I second the recommendation to pair olive with true red and chartreuse – it makes olive look much vibrant than it usually does

  12. Parker - Boardroom Belles

    I love crewneck sweaters. They are cosy and look dressy if the knit is in mint condition and a statement necklace is added. Also much easier to wear with statement necklaces than scoop or v-necks.

  13. AFK

    I have a question about breast augmentation. Has anybody had one and what are your thoughts? How much did yours cost? Have you had any problems with yours? Did you have it done before/after kids? What about breastfeeding? How painful was it/how long were you off from work because of it? Would you do it again?

    And, yes I want to do this for myself and not for some other reason.

    • SunnyD

      I have not had one. One thing to consider is that the implants apparently have to be replaced every 10-15 years. I have had a couple of friends who were surprised to learn they were going to have to have (and pay for) major surgery every 10+ years. Maybe they had bad docs the first time around who failed to tell them this, but want to make sure it’s on your list of considerations as you make this decision.

      And I don’t say it as a way to advise you not to get implants. I have no problems with plastic surgery. Just want to make sure you’re aware of this issue (and I’m assuming it still is one for people who get implants today—again, I don’t know much here).

      • SunnyD

        I should have added one more thing. One of the women who needed replacements just had them removed and got a lift instead. She said the lift is what she wished she’d had the first time—she got the implants after b-feeding two kids and ending up with saggy b**bs. But her surgeon never mentioned the lift option—he said her only option was implants (yes, I’m seeing a lot of issues with this guy). Clearly I don’t know what your goals are, but consider whether a lift, no implants, would get you to where you want to go.

    • Susan

      Never had one, don’t plan to.

      I have a friend who’s a plastic surgeon. Her only caveat is: don’t think you can just get one and be “once and done.” People’s bodies shift with age, the implants themselves can change. She explained to me that even when it’s done well, you will most likely have to go back in to replace them with new implants, or, have them …shifted back to the correct position. The odds of having to have followup surgeries is pretty significant. So weigh this part very carefully.

    • Anon

      I had it done a couple years ago-nursing my kids was not kind on my chest! I didn’t go huge, just proportional to what used to be there. I went to an experienced surgeon who specialized in bre*st reconstruction for cancer victims, so I knew his work would be good. Due to a number of factors, I went with silicone and have no problems, no complaints. There is a possibility that they will need to be replaced in 10 years and I am OK with that. I also need to get mammograms done differently-and that’s also OK by me. A co-worker has saline implants for over 15 years and never needed any subsequent work. I had three friends get augmentation in the last 5 years-some post kids, some post cancer, all are extremely happy.

      Costs run around $5-7K. Talk to as many docors as possible. Listen to the way they do their procedures, check out the surgery centers, etc. Very little pain-but my pain threshold is pretty high. I had it done Thursday and was back at work Monday. I was back exercising within a few weeks.

      • Anon for this

        I’ve considered implants, but have always worried about the mammogram issue. How do get mammograms done differently if you have implants?

        • Anon for this too

          Depending on the implant, you can get ultrasounds, or other scanning/diagnostic technologies that don’t put pressure on the implants. There’s such a low risk of rupture these days, but you really don’t want to take that chance! I had to get at least 2 mammograms done before they would consider me for implants. In fact, one of my friends was getting implants and that’s how they discovered her cancer (she had to get a mammogram before surgery). Unlike the poster above, my friends who got implants post mastectomy had no prolonged pain or absence from work, their recoveries were right around a week each.

          Yes, I’d do it all over again. It was one of the best things I’ve done for me and for my body-especially post babies.

    • DC Jenny

      I sometimes think that I might want to get a lift when I’m older, but I’m put off by my experience of watching my mom go through post-cancer reconstruction. Her experience was really, really awful in terms of pain and recovery time – honestly it was a year before she was totally back to normal energy and activity levels. But of course that was more involved than your usual augmentation, even though she had no chemo or radiation.

    • KSW

      I had one almost 7 years ago. Mine are saline and under the muscle. I had my surgery on a Tuesday afternoon and was back at work the next Monday. What I remember more than the pain was just the muscle soreness. It felt like I had benchpressed a ton of weight or done way too many pushups and my chest muscles were sore and tight for a while. One thing I didn’t particularly like was that you can’t wear a bra for a while after surgery, so that’s something to think about when going back to work. I had mine done in November and I live in the Midwest, so luckily I could wear sweaters and it wasn’t too noticable. I just wore tank tops under all my sweaters until I could start wearing bras again.

      I didn’t have any children at the time, but I now have a one year old that I’m still breastfeeding and have had no problems at all with that. Mine cost around $5,000. I haven’t had any problems and would absolutely do it again. I know that I may have to have them replaced some time in the future, but I’m ok with that.

  14. Cb

    TJ: I was at an event today and a journalist was speaking about what to wear if you’re appearing on the news. Pretty basic: bright colors, no black/white, no patterns, no dangling earrings, LOADS of make-up.

    I have a secret ambition to be the person that BBC calls up to talk about political crises but I’m afraid I’d be the most awkward person ever.

    • KC

      I remember reading an article about the Fox News “image” and these are all things the network takes very seriously as part of their anchors’ appearance. Makes sense, as cameras pick up things a lot differently than they appear in “real life”.

    • KS

      I learned some of these tricks the hard way after appearing on TV a couple of times and finding when I watched myself later that I look TERRIBLE. For example, the first time I got the full make-up treatment, and I looked fine. The second time, I arrived assuming they’d do my make-up but they didn’t, so I looked all washed out and, even worse, really shiny. Also, a white blouse is not necessarily your friend — one I wore one time looked all wrinkled and bunchy. So now I arrive having done my make-up and do a touch-up with powder (if they want to add more, that’s fine), and with heaving eye make-up and lipstick than I normally wear, and wear a sleek colored knit top with a statement necklace under a good knit blazer. (I like the knit blazer because it won’t bunch up weirdly when you sit.) Lessons learned!

  15. TO lawyer

    Canadian ladies.. the J.Crew and Ann Taylor in the Eatons Centre are officially open! Took a quick browse around the J.Crew yesterday – loved it but wow it seems pricey.

    • Anonymous

      Yah I don’t even bother buying from JCrew in Canada due to marked up prices. I know they decreased their markup after people complained a couple of years ago, but it still bothers me!

      How’s the Ann Taylor? I have no idea what to expect from that store!

      Also- what ever happened to the TO meet-up?

    • Nonny

      Oh! There is an Ann Taylor in Canada now? Does this mean they’ll start shipping to/within Canada? A girl can always hope…

    • (former) Clueless Summer

      The J. Crew is less exciting since it’s been at Yorkdale for more than a year now – it is pricier, I think, so I just try things on and then order online. the J. Crew at Yorkdale is totally crap with having sizes in stock. either they have like 14 size 2’s or 14 size 10’s.
      Ann Taylor though…I’m pretty excited about that.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      I am. Thank you for thinking of me. I do think that fried rice and sake are the new cookies and wine. It’s frustrating to me that nothing new has really been resolved, but I’m trying to stay calm and taking things day by day.

      I want to say thank you to everyone who offered their support yesterday. Odessa, thank you for the advice about knowing what I want not being petty, but actually being the adult thing to do. And I am going to take you up on your offer to go out, I just cannot tonight.

      Once again, thank you everyone, by the end of the evening, I could read your supportive messages with only a bit of tearing up. I appreciate each and every one of you ladies.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        I was also thinking about you today too. Glad I’m not alone in worrying about my “internet friends.”

      • Honey Pillows

        I saw your update this morning, and I have to say, I’m wrestling with a very similar problem with the Dear Young Buck, and my heart goes out to you.

        I’m really proud of you for realizing that this isn’t immobilizing, and it isn’t the end of the world, even when a relationship has been a part of your life for so long. It’s just a part, not your whole life.

        Good luck, and good for you. Many hugs.

        • Susan

          Extra hugs to go around.

          Good luck with whatever you decide to do with the Dear Young Buck. (I confess- your nickname for your guy is the best one on here. Sure beats the confusing DH that I fall back on.)

      • Odessa

        You are so welcome. It sounds like you’ve got some great friends who are taking good care of you. I’ll be thinking about you!

      • Lady Harriet

        I’ve been away from this site all week until today, but I just wanted to let you know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. I’m close to your age and went through a pretty similar breakup at the beginning of this year. My only advice is that if he’s not the right person, then this will help you in the long run, no matter how horrible it is now, and if he is the right person then it will work out eventually. I’m still very close to my former boyfriend’s family (his sister was my college roommate, his cousin is a good friend who I still see several times a week, and I talk to his mom pretty frequently.) I understand that your situation may be completely different (we had a long-distance relationship and I’m still hoping to fix it in the future after we’ve both done a lot of growing up), but his family can still play a role in your life, even if it’s not the same one they did before. When my boyfriend broke up with me I spent hours crying on the phone with his mom and sister over the next few days (and any other friends/family I could get to listen.)

        One thing that has also helped me is counseling. It may not be needed for you, but I’ve been seeing an amazing LCSW for the past couple of months who has helped me immensely to deal with the breakup and a lot of other longstanding issues. If talking to family and friends isn’t enough for you, I highly recommend getting help. I only wish I’d done it sooner!

        • In the Pink

          Hugs x1,000,000,000 Mrs. BEF. Maybe a fun read through your namesake’s book with sake? A tale of simpler times?

      • Anastasia

        I missed your update until today, Mrs. BEF — I’m glad you have such awesome friends to distract you all week, and add my hugs to your internet support! I went through a rough breakup from a long relationship when I was your age, and it sucked a lot. But current me is SO happy with the man I married once I freed myself from that stagnant relationship, and I know future you will find someone equally great.

  17. momentsofabsurdity

    Just found out my officemate got married in a quiet ceremony this weekend. I want to go out at lunch and get him a bottle of something – I’m thinking whiskey, neither he nor his wife (!) seem like big champagne drinkers. As a non-whiskey-drinker, can anyone recommend anything reasonably inexpensive (<$50? Is that even possible?) that is still nice enough to be congratulatory?

    • Fiona

      Here are some ideas, depending on what you can find at your store:

      – Old Weller Antique
      – Weller 12 Year
      – Buffalo Trace
      – Parker’s Heritage
      – Elijah Craig 12 Year

      If you can’t find those, Basil Hayden and Woodford Reserve are both decent and more widely available. Lucky officemate!

      • Fiona

        Also, if you can find the Pappy Van Winkle 12 Year, go for that.

        (PS per Honey Pillows’ comment below: these are all bourbons.)

        • Honey Pillows

          Sorry, forgot to specify. And Pappy Van Winkle is fantastic, but really difficult to get ahold of.

          • Amelia Pond

            I love Pappy Van Winkle. They have a 20 year reserve that my local store only gets 2 times a year. I bought 3 bottles last time!

        • KC

          Happy to see so many bourbon recs on here. This is really an awesome group of ladies ;)

    • Honey Pillows

      There’s tons of great whiskey under $50. If you’re looking at scotch, that narrows your choices considerably. Any idea if they’re bourbon, scotch, or rye people?

      Here’s a good source (link to follow):

    • Eleanor

      I think scotch is celebratory if you stick to single-malts, and you can get some of these for less than $50 if you go for the 12-years.

    • Ms. Basil E. Frankweiler

      An outside the box thought, moonshine. Goirishkj recently told me about an apple pie moonshine. The brand is Junior Johnson and it’s Midnight Moon. I found it in my local liquor store for ~$20.

      • goirishkj

        Glad you found it Mrs. BEF–you’ve been in my thoughts!

        Scotch (I swear I don’t drink as much as it appears!): single malts are a lot of fun. I think you can get some Oban and Balvenie around $50 which are my favorites. Redbreast (Irish) is good and I think in that price range. Another Irish choice is Connemara. As others stated, there are some great small batch bourbons available as well. You are so thoughtful!

        • goirishkj

          Not sure how widely available it is, but Rowan’s Creek is a tasty bourbon too.

        • I am a banana.

          Another vote for Redbreast. My go-to bourbon right now is Elmer T. Lee. Fits well within your price range and man…it’s good stuff. You can get a 12 year Macallan for $50 and that’s always a safe bet.

          BevMo is your friend if there is one in your area. The people there are very helpful.

    • moss

      A nice bourbon? My favorite is called Baker’s (which not the same thing as Maker’s Mark). Not sure a bottle will be < 50 but it might be.

    • JT

      DH is a bourbon drinker, and for moderately priced bottles likes Bakers, Woodford, and Hudson (which might only be available in NY). Hudson also makes a whiskey. Johnny Walker Blue or Black are nice, I think (can’t remember which is the basic – red, maybe?). Hope that helps somewhat. The person at the liquor store can likely help more.

    • TBK

      I’m seriously going to print out this list. I’m a brown liquor girl and love the rec’s! (Mr. TBK is a vodka and soda guy — always confuses the waiter who gives me the clear stuff and Mr. the brown stuff.)

  18. mousekeeper

    Threadjack – does anyone else have a hard time getting going in the morning at the office? By the time I get into the office, I’ve been up for more than 3 hours, got my daughter to school, went to the gym, etc. I find it very difficult to focus immediately on work. I get a cup of tea, check in with my secretary, read all my e-mails, scan the headlines of the NYT and WP, read the news services, anything except knuckle down and do that outstanding discovery, or that settlement memo, or whatever. By the time I actually DO something, it’s close to 11 a.m. I just feel so fidgety in the a.m.; I don’t really settle down until at least 11, and then I stay late to make up for it. Aaagggghhhhh!

    • Walnut

      I do my best work in the afternoon, so I spend my mornings taking care of everything else. Are you in a situation where you HAVE to be productive before 11AM? Or can you just embrace it and plan your to do list accordingly?

      • mousekeeper

        Actually, I don’t have to be that productive in the a.m. unless I’m on deadline for something, and that will provide the motivation to dive in soon after I get it. On the doing work at home before the kids get up, I’m not a morning person to begin with, and getting up just before 6 (in order to begin the 15-minute process of getting my 17-year-old daughter out of bed – (“5 more minutes, pleeeeeeeeeeez????” “1 more minute? pleeeeeeze? “I have to stretch (falls back to sleep)” ; ” I have a cramp.” ) is as early as I’m capable of on a regular basis. My problem is that my office wants a minimum daily number of billable hours, and I end up either staying late to complete that or I have to bring work home.

        • suggestion

          Maybe try whatever rearranging of your schedule you can manage in order to get into work later so that staying later isn’t a big deal. I’m not a morning person at all and I work at a firm where my hours are very flexible as long as I get the work done, so on mornings that I don’t have to be in court, I usually sleep till around 7:30, have coffee and read the news, workout, shower, and get into work between 10 and 11. By that time I’m ready to be productive.

          Also, I’m not a parent, so take this with a vat of salt, but maybe your 17-year-old is old enough to get herself up in the mornings or deal with the consequences if she doesn’t.

          • mousekeeper

            I do get to work a little later than usual, as late as I can manage without getting complaints (it’s a government law office), and yes, the attitude is that you can be a little flexible in your scheduling as long as 1) you get the work done; and 2) you put in a full day (no cheating the State!). There is a method to the morning madness – taking my daughter to school creates time to go to the gym before work. Getting up when she needs to get up gives me enough time to do what I have to do so that I can go straight from dropping her off to the gym and then to work – it’s a geographically linear progression toward my office. I find that when she’s not in school, it’s harder to motivate myself to get up in time to get my workout in before I have to be at work. And I hate going to the gym in the evenings – by the time I’m done work (usualy 7 or later), I’m tired and just want to go home. (I’m lucky – my MIL makes dinner for the kids).

          • suggestion

            Well, that’s it for useful suggestions from me. :-) I’ve always struggled to make myself more productive in the morning and never quite succeeded, so getting into a routine where I didn’t have to be really helped. I definitely agree that working out in the morning is easier, especially if you have an external factor pushing you to get up at a certain time. I completely lose motivation if I wait till after work.

    • petitesq

      Unless I’m on a crazy deadline, I often run into the same obstacle. Generally, forcing myself to not open the internet browser helps significantly, as does making a to do list the night before, prioritized to include a few easy (but billable) “warm up” tasks to get the ball rolling, and then I refer back to the list to keep on the productive track. I try to answer emails at the end of the day, as well.

    • Diana Barry

      I have this problem, although I never used to before kids. I find it helps me to do even 20 minutes of work at home before the kids get up. I only manage to do this maybe once a week at most, but it really helps me be productive for the rest of the day.

    • phillygirlruns

      i’ve been like this all week. i get in at 8 and usually i can force myself to buckle down by 9, but this week has been brutal in terms of morning productivity.

    • Nonny

      Oh, I can totally sympathize. I am exactly like this. Strangely, I used to be really good at getting going in the morning but these days I rarely do anything useful before 10:00. I really need to break that habit.

    • Flamingo

      I’m back from the dead! I have read that it helps to do one productive thing before you open up your inbox, otherwise email will suck up your morning. Have not tried it yet, though.

    • AmyRenee

      I’m getting worse and worse about this, and [this site] isn’t helping any for my motivating for work vs websurfing!
      Two pieces of advice that work for me when I make myself do them:
      1. Spend the last 1/2 hour of your day laying out what you want to work on in the morning, so when you get in you can dive right into it and actually get something accomplished right away. Bonus points if its something you can do while drinking your morning tea.
      2. Don’t check your email for the first hour, unless you regularly get “stop the presses and do this NOW” emails first thing in the morning. I find myself getting sucked down the rabbit hole of emails, or I read them all, but don’t actually address them so I have to go back later in the day and deal with them. I find that if I make myself complete 2 Pomodoros before I go into email I have a much more productive morning (thanks again to whoever it was on this site that introduced me to the Pomodoro technique, I love you!)
      Now if only I can make myself follow this advice for the rest of the week, I might get something done!

      • mousekeeper

        For suggestion No. 1, I do that so that I am not dithering the next day over what I should be doing. Having a to-do list is actually calming. No. 2 – the very first thing I do when I get into the office, even before tea, is to turn on the computer and take a quick peak at the e-mails in case there are any “So & So (management person) wants to see you immediately” or “Judge so & So called” messages.

      • Research, Not Law

        Number 1 is a huge help to me. I put it on my keyboard when I leave so that I really can’t ignore it.

        I also have a list of easy and quick things that I have to do before starting my morning ‘routine’ of slacking off. Maybe two email replies, an upload, and filling out and faxing a form. I find it has to be under 15-30 minutes to avoid being pushed back until the afternoon. Sometimes it doesn’t do much other than clear a couple of things off my to do list, but sometimes it actually does get me working from the start of my day.

      • eastbaybanker

        Ditto to what AmyRenee said!

        I’m also do my best work in the wee hours of morning, have to drag myself into the office by 9 am (last one in), and I also used to have trouble getting started. At some point, I started having so much work that unproductive mornings weren’t an option so I got my bu** in gear.

        I check my email before I get to the office for urgent items. Once I get to the office I make myself a list of priorities for the day and when I’m going to do them. As in 9 am – write document, 10 am – call this person, etc. I start my first task ASAP, before letting myself open email again. Somehow, getting started right away makes it easier.

        Another trick: I only check personal email on my phone. That way I don’t look like I’m working while I’m doing personal email. That drastically reduced my time spent reading about sales I don’t need to shop.

    • AEK

      YES. And it’s not from being tired. Somewhere in my late 20’s I switched from being a night owl to an early riser. But I still get to work and d*ck around for an hour or two before I really focus.

  19. Pest

    This is one of those tops that have to fit perfectly or they look unflattering. It’s a little tight on the mannequin, so the vertical ribs in the front stretch and pull apart.

  20. Kontraktor

    Anybody have any Alice + Olivia tops? I know their dresses can run small/narrow but I am trying to decide whether to get an M or an L in a sequiny/silk top I see on the Last Call sale. I have a big waist in proportion to all my other measures. I am usually an M (or 6-8) in regular tops, though sometimes an S if the brand runs larger.

  21. Anon for this

    Ladies, I apologize for the length in advance.

    My MIL is planning to remarry. I don’t find her partner particularly loyal or trustworthy, given that their relationship began as a two year affair while he was married. But, that is her choice and I respect that. What I’m concerned about is that she is very resistant to the idea of a pre-nup. She has enough in assets to comfortably retire, but not nearly enough that she could afford to have a chunk of it taken in a divorce settlement and still be able to retire. The fact that he has previously been married and has some financial responsibilities to his ex-wife complicates things further.

    I’m incredibly frustrated by the idea that she sees my husband and I as her safety net, completely eliminating her need to properly plan. The bottom line is that my husband and I are very well off and could (and would) absolutely help her out if circumstances beyond her control meant she couldn’t take care of herself. But I am so so resentful of the idea that we would be expected to help her in circumstances that were completely within her control and could have been entirely avoided. No matter how much money I make, I don’t like throwing money away like that. I have so many other things I would rather be obligated to take care of- my kids, their educations, my home, the charities I believe in, etc.

    My husband is on board with sitting down with her to explain that while we will respect her decisions, but that we will not allow her to externalize the costs of them and we will not be providing any financial support in the event that this doesn’t work out, and she should plan accordingly. Do you have any advice for this conversation?

    Secondly, she has a tendency to make decisions and worry about the consequences later. I worry that even with that conversation, a time will come where the marriage doesn’t work out and she wants our financial assistance. I’m not positive that my husband would be able to actually see her like that and withhold assistance. Any advice for protecting myself and my daughters in this situation? I am entirely unwilling to support an adult because of her own choices if it means sacrificing the things I’m able to give my children or my own ability to retire from my very demanding job with enough time to enjoy years with my daughters before they go to college. Is this something worth a post-nup between my husband and I? What kind of attorney would I be directing this types of questions to- family, t&e, etc.?

    Ugh. thank you so much for your help.

    • notawhat

      Why doesn’t she want a pre-nup? Is it just a case of her not thinking things through? Does she feel like it’s too much hedging?

      • Anon for this

        She thinks it’s unromantic, not necessary, and too complicated. I understand that some people find them unromantic (I think it’s also easy to think the opposite- my husband and I felt like the big financial conversations and sharing that we did before we got married set a great groundwork for us, even though we had no assets worth doing a prenup for). But it’s ridiculous when she says it isn’t necessary or too complicated. The ONLY reason it wouldn’t be necessary would be if her fallback is on us. Otherwise I can’t think of a situation where it is more necessary or worth the complication. It could quite literally be the difference between being able to retire or not being able to. I don’t think the stakes get much higher.

        • nona

          Would you be willing to pay for MIL to at least consult with a family law/trust and estate attorney?
          They could at least walk her through what might happen in the event of a divorce without the protection of a pre-nup, and what rights she would have to marital and non-marital property and what exactly falls into those categories.

    • Susan

      Can you consult someone who specializes in estates and trusts?

      I have 0 expertise in this area of finance & law, but, can you put most of your family savings in a trust for your daughters? And set conditions such that they can outright prohibit use of the money for X (whatever you’re afraid the new husband will do)?

      • Diana Barry

        You can do this, but depending on your state’s laws, if you get divorced some of the trust $$ may end up going to the other spouse for alimony/child support anyway, particularly if the trust $$ is relied upon during the marriage.

    • Diana Barry

      Re: the conversation with your MIL. Do you have an attorney who would be willing to sit down with you guys and your MIL (assuming she wouldn’t go on her own) and walk you through what might happen to her if she were to get divorced? She might listen to a “professional” when she won’t listen to you guys. If she has a financial planner, that person might also be able to prepare some charts illustrating what would happen if she retires with the money she has now, versus the money she might have (half?) if she were to get divorced.

      T+E is good for your own estate planning (I would do planning now if you haven’t already!) and *may* do post-nups (I have done a couple), but family lawyers are far far better at pre-nups, so I would look in that direction first if you don’t have someone in mind. Also, note that the laws of your state may affect whether and how post-nups are enforceable. I would talk this through with your husband first. Is it the kind of thing where you would be willing to get divorced if he wanted to spend $$ on his mother in the (distant) future? If you don’t trust your husband to not give $$ to his mom if you are totally against it, then you may want to talk through it some more with a counselor or with the family law attorney that you find.

      • Anon for family stuff

        Diana Barry, your suggestion is even better than mine below.

        One other thought – couldn’t you frame a pre-nup as a way to keep his ex-wife from getting ahold of her assets, especially if the divorce is fairly recent and probably ugly if a result of an affair? I don’t know for certain, but I’ve heard in some states that by them getting married his “household” income and assets go up, so she could try to argue for an alimony increase etc. Even if this isn’t the case, it might be enough to get her to talk to said attorney or financial counselor.

        • Diana Barry

          You’re right, the new husband’s ex-wife could argue for an alimony increase (again, depending on the state).

      • Anon for this

        We’ve offered to have her talk to a professional and we’ve tried to get her to go with us. So far she’s been entirely resistant. I’m afraid that she’s older and lonely and that she doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardize this relationship (which has been less than ideal from the beginning).

        • Susan

          “All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone.” ~Blaise Pascal

          I say this with sympathy, and concern, with 0% snark whatsoever– I wish your MIL had more internal resources. I know older people who are alone but not lonely, and while it is not an ideal status, they lead rich, interesting lives. What you’re describing sounds like desperation, which makes her more likely to fall prey to someone who doesn’t have her best interests at heart. Any chance she’d be willing to see a therapist?

          I mean, this guy could end up being a good egg, but what if he drops dead of a heart attack tomorrow? She’ll eventually benefit from doing the work of learning how to be by herself.

    • Anon for family stuff

      I haven’t been in the same position, but we have been somewhere similar – my in-laws just inherited what seems to them like a LOT of money, but they are very quickly frittering it away. They have always been fairly irresponsible with money, so my husband and I had resigned ourselves to the fact that we were probably going to have to help them out at least somewhat when they get older, but it is starting to grate on us that they might blow all this money and then still need us to support them.
      One thing that we’ve been doing that seems to be making a (slow, tiny) impact is to go through a trusted third party – in our case, the local accountant who’s been doing their taxes for years. We’ve used him for a few business related things as well, and he has a good relationship with my husband, so my husband was able to sit him down and say “Look, my parents are irresponsible with money and we both know it. I know you’re not allowed to tell me anything about their finances, but could you please recommend A, B, and C conservative options to them? They will take it better if it comes from you about protecting themselves instead of from us and sounds like its all about us.” Do you have a third party like that that could talk to your MIL? An accountant or lawyer she has used, or a sibling she respects? That way they could make it about protecting herself, instead of protecting you and your husband.
      And one great quote to give her: “Having a pre-nup doesn’t make you any more likely to get a divorce than having home owners insurance is to have your house burn down or auto insurance causes you to get into an accident”

      • Anon

        Though re: the auto insurance an economist would likely bring up the problem of moral hazard ;)

    • Oldest Sister

      My father is married to his fourth wife. My mother was his first wife, and I am the oldest of all 7 of his kids. He has never had a pre-nup. He came from a very modest background and has been extremely financially successful. So he has lost at least half of his assets three times: divorce 1 (when he was 38), divorce 2 (when he was 45) and divorce 3 (when he was 65).

      When he introduced me to wife 4, they had known each other for 34 days and were already engaged. He was still married to wife 3. She is one year older than I and a struggling “actress/entertainer” (in other words, she had nothing). She was wearing a ring that likely carries the price of a home in most parts of the country.

      When she got up to use the ladies room, I suggested to him that he consider a pre-nup this time. My father is a brilliant man; he is an MD and a successful entrepreneur. So the idea of controlling risk via a contract should not have been a stretch to him. And, let’s face it, it’s hardly a revolutionary idea, particularly in his circumstances. He raised his voice to me at the table and told me he would never do it, and has never done it, because “it is a terribly unromantic way to start a marriage and basically invites divorce.”

      About six months after they were married, they announced that they were pregnant. I suggested he consider a post-nup. The next day, he sent me an email saying he never wanted to talk to or see me again. That was 3 1/2 years ago, and the only times he has contacted me are to ask for money. I own my home and am a professional and am well on my way to saving enough for retirement that I won’t eat cat food. (Fingers crossed.) But I have never made as much money practicing my profession as he has building and selling companies. I also live relatively frugally for my income. It has been extremely difficult to say no to him, but I have done it. And every time, it works out for him. Ex: he has said he can’t make the mortgage payment this month if I don’t give him money, yet he is still in the house a couple years later. So he must have had it or gotten it somewhere?

      Why am I telling you this long, sad story? I want you to know what might happen. (I hope it won’t, but it might.)

      Even after what has happened to me, I would recommend that you and your husband do as you plan and sit down with MIL and tell her exactly what you will and will not do “so that you, MIL, can plan to take care of yourself with all the facts.” You might ask her to counter sign a one-page description of what you are/are not willing to do for her. Not because it is enforceable, but to underscore the gravity of the conversation. If she makes decisions so capriciously, having to slow down long enough to read and sign something might help.

      I also might suggest that you go with her to see a financial planner, who can talk to her about buying long term care insurance, keeping her assets separate from her husband’s etc. so that she can think about the concept of protecting herself and think about some steps she might take to do so. It sounds like she needs to get on board with the idea that it is her job to protect and care for herself.

      Also, I’m not clear if your daughters are also your husband’s daughters. If they are only yours, I definitely would do a post-nup to protect you and them. If they are your and your husband’s daughters, then I would consider doing it, but I just am not that experienced in how it would work. I would recommend that you and your husband go to see the lawyer who set up the trusts and wills you have now, tell him/her the new life event (MIL may go broke and need our help and we are not willing to give it) and ask how to redraft the documents or re-arrange the assets to get the protection you want.

      Good luck. These are not easy issues.

      PS: I am also a second wife (well, we won’t marry until the first wife either waives alimony or remarries, but I consider it a marriage). My husband’s first wife is very entitled and, years after the divorce she insisted on, is currently threatening to sue him for alimony that she said she would never take but insisted be included in the divorce order. Despite the fact that she has a college degree, has always worked and has supported herself just fine for over six years since the divorce (including buying herself a new house). The amount of resentment I feel toward her and toward the situation is limitless. I would hate to think that you might feel that kind of resentment toward your husband if MIL asks for help and he can’t bring himself to say no. Maybe you can avoid that by talking to him in advance about how you will feel, how much you would be willing to help, where you would draw the line, what you expect from him, etc.

      • Anon for this

        Thank you. I love the idea of having the three of us sit down and hammer out a document that we all sign, even if there’s no legal enforceability, so that we are all on the same page and the seriousness of the discussion is clear.

    • notawhat

      Could you sell the idea to her as part of the unromantic, but legal, side of marriage? As in, in starting her new life she’ll probably want an updated will, new health care documents, and a pre-nup. Alternately, what resonanted with me (and may with her) was the OP’s thought that negotiating a prenup a good way to discuss how money will be handled in a marriage.

      • Oldest Sister

        another item on the list: changing your name (this may seem exciting to her and thus be a good entry point into the list).

      • zora

        wasn’t it, though?! Siiigh… I’m just a little bummed, because in my head i was planning the order in which i was going to FINALLY wear my skirts and dresses that have been sitting in my closet :o(, and now i’m back to jeans. Oh well, hopefully we’ll get some more good days soon. At least i took full advantage of the few we got!!

        • I am a banana.

          If thinking about wearing them makes you happy, I’m going to push the, “Wear them anyhow!” philosophy.

          (Totally wearing a dress right now.)

          • zora

            oh yeah, every once in a while ill wear a skirt with tights, but honestly, I get cold so easily, I feel warmer in jeans and a sweater. I hate feeling cold all day.

  23. DC Jenny

    Honey Pillows, was it you who posted all the great fall cocktail ideas last week? I made the apple cider mimosas for a debate watch party last night to great acclaim, so thank you very much! (And if it wasn’t Honey Pillows, thank you to whoever posted it.)

  24. Nonny

    OK, ladies, I am thinking about buying a dress from Hobbs in the UK, for work. I love Hobbs and I know it fits me well. I have been looking for a navy or wine-coloured, long sleeved work dress this fall, and in accordance with my new wardrobe philosophy, this is intended to be my only work wardrobe purchase until about January. I found this dress (link to follow), and really like it, and it fulfills all my requirements, but now I am totally second-guessing myself. As a complicating factor, the duty charged by Canada Customs will be quite high and doing a return will be difficult, so I am trying to be very careful with this purchase.

    What do you think? For reference I am a senior associate aspiring to partner, trying to dress the part, but live in the PNW so suits are not required every day. (I think I could wear this without a jacket on a day-to-day basis.) I am 5’4″ on a good day, shortwaisted, high hip pear.

    TIA!

    • Sydney Bristow

      Wow, that dress is gorgeous! If the brand fits you well, it seems like your chances of needing to return are low unless the sizes are inconsistent across items. The dress would go with just about any accessories. I’m totally enabling you here, but it looks like a really solid choice given all the criteria you listed.

      • Nonny

        Thank you, I totally need justification here because although I thought it was perfect, I needed a second opinion from my webfriends….

        • Snoozy

          Fantastic dress. And I find Hobbes sizing is consistent (perhaps a smidge on the generous side) in UK terms, so I wouldn’t worry too much.

          If this fit my life, I’d definitely consider buying it myself!

    • Wow

      WOW. This dress is GORGEOUS. I think it definitely fits your criteria. It’s both professional yet classy. Love the ruching design in the middle. I’ll have to consider getting it myself.

  25. DC Jenny

    Apologies for the double-post.

    Honey Pillows, was it you who posted all the great fall c*cktail ideas last week? I made the apple cider mimosas for a debate watch party last night to great acclaim, so thank you very much! (And if it wasn’t Honey Pillows, thank you to whoever posted it.)

      • DC Jenny

        Yes, they were delicious. I really want to try the fig one as well, but it was a little labor intensive for a week night.

  26. Bluejay

    Wardrobe fail: I needed to wear a black bra today. I grabbed my freshly washed black push-up bra without thinking. I am wearing a V-neck dress. Oh yeah, and I’m an H cup. And I am chairing a big meeting in 20 minutes.

    Oopsie.

      • Bluejay

        Ooh. I don’t have a sweater or scarf so I didn’t think about it, but I bet someone has one I could borrow.

    • SF Bay Associate

      Oopsie :). I bet a woman in your office has a scarf/pashmina you can borrow, or a giant statement necklace to draw the eye back up to your face.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My reply might be too late but if you don’t find a way to cover up you have to own it. Be confident and look comfortable. Look intentional. It is WAY more awkward when you are visibly uncomfortable and tugging at your dress. If these are people you see fairly often they will know that you are an appropriate dresser and you just went a little wild this one day.

  27. LeChouette

    I have recently had to ask some partners at my firm to write me letters of recommendation. I would like to give them a small gift as a thank you (along with a note). They are both people I have worked with closely and know reasonably well.

    a) is that appropriate?
    b) they are both ladies. I was thinking either a really fancy candle (like Dyptique) or a nice bottle of champagne.

    Any thoughts appreciated.

    • harriet the spy

      I think those are both great ideas. You could also bring them a plant for their office. Don’t go overboard.

  28. roses

    Got a gift card to Macy’s that I think I’m going to use for cosmetics. Any recommendations for long-lasting eyeliner for a daytime look for someone with brown eyes and dark brown hair?

    • harriet the spy

      Estee Lauder Doublewear. I really love it. I use bronze (hazel eyes, fair skin, dark hair) but you might have other options. Estee Lauder isn’t as trendy a brand as others, but I’m a true believer in this product. It’s longer-lasting and easier to apply than any pencil eyeliner I’ve ever used.

    • I am a banana.

      I’m a big fan of the Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner. I’d never been a gel person, but this is “smudgeable” like a pencil, you have way more control, and it stays way better than any other eyeliner I’ve ever used. There are tons of colors, I’m currently lusting over the purple one.

  29. Sugar Magnolia

    I almost forgot to comment on this sweater. It looks too shiny – like it would show every little bump and lump on anyone not a size 4.

  30. mea culpa?

    If you were a colleague, would you respect me more or less if I apologized for being uncharacteristically b*tchy today because of some issues going on in my personal life. Some really crummy stuff has materialized in my personal life during the past 24 hours. Given my state of mind and desire to cry all freaking day, I would’ve taken a mental health day if we weren’t on deadline for 2 major projects. Anyway, I just do not have the mental reserves to deal with anything here, and it shows. I’m embarrassed about it and mad at myself for not being able to pull it together. I guess I want them to know that it has nothing to do with them or our work?

    • SAB

      I don’t think you need to make a general announcement or anything, but if you know you are snapping at a few targets, say something quietly to them. No need for details (it might trigger tears in your state), but a brief “sorry, it’s stressful, didn’t mean to snap” or something goes a long way. Then move on. You are a human, not a robot. It’s okay to have emotions.

    • Susan

      Did you snark at your colleagues or not?

      If you did, apologize, and say you’re having a bad day.

      If you didn’t snark at them, and are just worried that they’re picking up on the fact that there’s a giant ANGERCLOUD around you, don’t bother. You fritter away your authority when you explain yourself to people who you don’t owe an explanation to. Bad moods pass. Grownup people who are self-actualized don’t automatically assume that a coworker’s bad mood is related to something they’ve done. When I was younger, more neurotic, and self-centered, I used to think that, and then I got a grip and realized, no, it’s not always about me. If your colleagues don’t suck, they’ll realize that, too.

        • Susan

          Glad my past mistakes have helped someone today. I’m sorry you’re going through a rough patch. Here’s hoping things get better soon.

  31. Anon for this

    Hey y’all!

    Dilemma. The person I share an office with openly lied about how much time she is out of the office, in front of me, and she knows I know she isn’t in as much as she said. I’m not looking to tattle on her or anything, but now I feel like an accomplice. What would you do?

    • eastbaybanker

      I guess it would depend on who they are lying to, and what the purpose of the inquiry was. Are they an hourly employee lying for purposes of compensation? Are they a salaried employee who is getting their work done and responding to a peer who is being nosy? I would need more information to have an opinion on your ethical obligations.

      • Research, Not Law

        Agreed. More info also on the situation in which they were asked.

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