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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Pinnacle High-Rise Trouser

A woman wearing a neon green long sleeve top with taupe sweater and light brown wide leg trouser pants with white shoes

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

After many years of assiduously planning my holiday shopping to avoid the mall from November to January, I became a parent of a teenager and my plans went out the window. As I was wandering from store to store last weekend while waiting to pick them up, I ended up in Athleta and was marveling at the pants selection.

These high-rise trousers might not cut it for the most formal of offices, but I think they’d be perfect for most business casual dress codes. The fabric is flowy, the cut is flattering, and the size range is fantastic. I ordered them in the “cool truffle” color and am anxiously awaiting their arrival. 

The pants are $129 at Athleta — with 30% off at checkout — and come in seven neutral colors in sizes 00R-24R, 0T-16T, and 00P-14P. 

Hunting for more wide-leg pants to wear to work? In 2025, general favorites include pleated pairs like Favorite Daughter, Everlane*, Reformation*, and Abercrombie*, with flat-front pairs from Good American,* M.M.LaFleur, and Ann Taylor (* = plus sizes; see the post for notes on petites and talls). We've also shared our thoughts on what shoes to wear with wide-leg pants!

A woman wearing navy pants, sneakers, and a gray sweatshirt
Anthropologie
woman in beige wide-leg pants to wear to work
Reformation
best-selling wide leg pant for work
Ann Taylor
A woman wearing a cream-colored top, black wide-leg pants, and black sandals
Favorite Daughter

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

196 Comments

  1. I have these pants in the black sand color. I’m 5’4, 145 lbs, with a small waist and bigger bottom and thighs. These run big for me. I wear a 6 in the Athleta Endless pants but these fit best in the 2P. They are comfortable and feel high quality (for athliesure), but the pleats aren’t the most flattering for my shape. I like them enough that I may buy another pair anyway.

    1. I’m around the same height and weight but a little more apple shaped, and these pants are super flattering on me (I have two pairs and am finding myself wearing them constantly). The pleats seem to get a love/hate response on Reddit so I think they’re worth trying to see.

    3. Pleats hate me, but I have similar, less pleated pants from White House Black Market that I love.

  2. My girlfriend booked us a surprise trip to Scottsdale, AZ, in early January. Neither of us have been there- we were talking about wanting somewhere warm to start the new year. We are staying at Boulder Resort. I primarily want to relax, she’ll want to golf at least 2 days. We love good food. Do we need to rent a car? Any Scottsdale recommendations?

    1. Yes get a car! It’s a driving city you can Uber but I really wished I had a car when I was there.

    3. I like the Boulders for the ambience. I went last January for a family visit, so I laid by the pools and enjoyed the vibes went I was not with family. It is not near anything else, so if you want to do anything you should rent a car.

  3. Any regrets or tips about getting attic insulation improved?

    I’m about to get my attic insulation improved, likely with blown cellulose. I found a reputable company with an experienced installer and I’m excited about the Inflation Reduction Act tax credit and the future energy savings. But, I don’t know a lot about this area of homes and I’m kind of nervous.

    1. Blown in cellulose is terrible for old homes and can cause huge structural issues, trap water, and prevent proper air flow. It’s possibly the worst thing you can do to your house.

      Pay the money to have someone shimmy rockwool into your attic instead.

      1. What is an old home in this context? OP doesn’t say how old her house is at all – 1990s old? 1920s old?

        1. 1920s! Cellulose is fine in a 90s home (I still wouldn’t do it because of critter issues, but it won’t ruin your home).

          1. Yeah, our blown in insulation was done just terribly. Their did a very messy job, did not properly protect the necessary sites to retain airflow and now our house gets so so hot in the summer.

        2. I don’t have anything good to say about spray foam. I’d rather leave it uninsulated.

        3. If OP doesn’t know themself what type of insulation makes the most sense, they really need to have a pro who understands their specific home construction recommend the right one. Cellulose, spray foam, fiberglass, etc. all have use cases but they are not all interchangeable and the prep work differs for each.

    2. Have you checked to see if there are other discounts? In my area, you get a big rebate if you do an energy audit through the utility company (more than the IRA tax credit, though you can also take that after the rebate). You can also get rebates from the utility company for buying a heat pump or an electric lawn mower or snow blower, which are also in addition to the IRA credits (which I don’t think exist for mowers or blowers).

    3. Check with a local realtor if they have any tips about what people are looking for in your area.

    4. We had this done through an energy-efficiency program the city runs (we’re in Minneapolis). It’s been great – much cooler this summer, and now that it’s cold here, I can tell that the house stays warmer, too. We did have the blown-in cellulose, but they also installed more ventilation in the attic so we haven’t had any moisture issues (at least so far!).

    5. Our old house was basically un insulated. So we have no insulation in the walls (temperate climate, Bay Area, but it does get chilly, and we get the occasional hot day) but now we have roll-in insulation in the attic floor. That made a big difference as soon as it was installed. Our attic is accessed by pull-down stairs and you can feel a huge difference in temperature on any day, whether cool or hot, when you go into the attic above the insulation now.

      1. My old house walk in master bedroom closet is freezing. Freezing. I have to leave the door closed or the bedroom is too cold. So all of my clothes are cold. Very cold.

  4. Have any of you changed jobs or careers and found something intellectually challenging? If yes, mind sharing how/what?
    I’m a partner in private practice. I have carved out time for interesting hobbies and people. But I still crave work (how I spend most of my time) that is hard and makes me really think, or gets me around people who are in that mindset. I’m 39, single and no kids (and no plan to change family status). My work is interesting but rarely do I have a “deep thought” problem or discussion. I feel like I do largely the same 15 things. In a way, this is nice, but if I don’t change in the next few years I worry I will just be stuck due to inertia.

    1. This is how people end up shimmying their way into being an adjunct professor at the local law school.

      1. Hit post too soon. The ramp goes: guest lecturer, adjunct teaching one night a week, co-writing something with a tenured professor, etc. You can stop yourself on the ramp wherever you want, and a quarterly guest lecturer spot or a single night class a week may scratch your itch without requiring you to step back much at all in your work.

    2. Have you considered consulting? My large risk management consulting firm has a legal solutions practice. It may be worth for you to find out more about. It’s not litigation or anything like that, more corporate problems x legal risk management perspective

    3. I have not changed my job to find something intellectually challenging. Honestly, I am kind of enjoying the fact that after 15 years in private practice I finally have a solid grasp of much of my subject area and get to delegate research projects to associates and provide the high level analysis and guidance. So I can’t answer your larger question, but here are some ways that I have created avenues for stimulation within my current career that may work for you while also allowing you to stay in your current practice:
      – I write papers and present CLEs (I did three last year) on interesting or novel aspects of my practice
      – I volunteer my time to serve on boards related to my area of practice (local trade group, our bar section)
      – I host a podcast in my area of law where I interview interesting people and discuss interesting questions
      – I don’t regularly litigate, but I partner with our firm’s litigators on cases in my subject area and provide SME guidance
      – I mentor three associates who work under me; they often have really good questions. I also play a large role in firm management and am actively trying to get better at learning the business of law.
      – I try to lean into some of the niches that naturally developed for me. For example, I have a lot of public sector clients, so I spent time learning about open meetings laws, etc. even though they are kind of adjacent to my work. It has broadened my scope over the years in an interesting way.
      I hope this is helpful for you. Every practice has its “bread and butter” so I worry that if you look to a new subject area, you’ll find yourself in the same place, so I think you’d be better served by looking for ways within your practice to expand outside the 15 things you mostly do.

    5. You are the perfect age to get into a new, more challenging field. I went from criminal trial work to capital postconviction giving me endless brain challenges. It would be better to know what your experinece is in order to make suggestions.

      1. I do criminal appellate defense and it is often very intellectually challenging. (Not always, we do see some of the same bad issues over and over, but we just as often get to argue novel issues and that is fun!)

    6. I know what you mean about the repetition of private practice. Another poster covered good ways to make that more interesting.

      I went in house into a generalist role on a small legal team. I did it for work life balance reasons, but the work is very interesting and challenging – more so than what I did at a top law firm. We outsource very little to outside counsel. We do a mix of transactions (with structuring/tax/regulatory issues and complex negotiations) and general counseling. It’s a nice mix of drafting, negotiating, counseling and research and I work on projects that are new to me and interesting every day (and I’ve been here 5 years). The variety is what keeps me in this role.

    7. Instead of “change careers” have you looked at a “pivot”?
      In your case, going in house in a medium size org? That would give you plenty of challenge and intellectual stimulation leaning how to run a business well, working across many functions, leading a team, etc.

    8. I think that working in private practice can be great for changing your job without having to change jobs. Is there a way to expand what you work on in your same role?

      My background was litigation in Industry A and Industry B. In Industry A, I have developed a reputation in my firm for handling the complex, difficult issues in Industry A, so the cases I work on went from hum-drum issues to the novel issues in the Industry. In Industry B, I am working on other types of matters facing Industry B. While I litigate for large clients in Industry B, I have started working on transactional matters for small clients in the industry. I have a game plan for developing a book in that area for 2025. It is an entirely different way of thinking that I appreciate, and I never have to switch firms or change jobs.

  5. The last couple weeks showed me I need to work on patience! My family is driving me nuts! Any audiobook resources or articles that are helpful? I don’t have time for a full paper book right now but I shut myself in the pantry last night and did deep breathing for 2 minutes because my DH and kids were spreading syrup all over the kitchen and I knew they were having fun but I also knew they won’t fully clean it up…

    2. It’s a short paper book, and the chapters ate a couple of pages long (so amenable to bite-size reading): Pema Chondron, “The Wisdom of no Escape.”

    3. I think “I don’t have time for a full paper book” is probably more of the cause of your lack of patience than a lack of knowledge, because it sounds like you knew that two minutes of deep breathing would lower your heart rate! I am impatient when I am overloaded or overstressed. If you can solve for that part — moving stuff off your plate onto your partner/kids’ plates, making time for exercise and time in nature, doing whichever of meditation/prayer/journaling/therapy works for you, etc. — I think you’ll find that patience comes easily.

      An overloaded mind cannot be patient, and a mind at peace cannot be anything but.

    4. Impatience is generally a symptom, not the actual thing. Find the root. Examples:

      Someone is impatient with less competent people because they actually believes they are superior to others.

      Someone is impatient with bad drivers because they live with a simmering undercurrent of rage at all times.

      Someone is impatient with her husband/kids because she’s exhausted and overwhelmed and doesn’t have the emotional or physical fortitude to take flex with the situation.

      1. Orrrr hear me out, sometimes people just don’t want their time wasted and it’s not some big conspiracy.

      2. I don’t agree with this take. Not wanting to be stuck behind a driver who’s weaving in the lane texting =/= underlying rage…. and the OP being left with a sticky kitchen to clean up after her family has the fun does not mean she’s lacking in fortitude!!

        1. No it means she’s overwhelmed because she knows what the kitchen will be like in an hour and no one is helping her.
          That part is true.

          But yeah she doesn’t need more fortitude to deal with that. She needs a clean kitchen and someone to replace the syrup!

    5. No that’s actually not cool for your husband and kids to do that

      If my mom lost her “patience” at me for that (and my dad?!) and I tried to tell someone “look how unreasonable my mom is – she needs to be more
      Patient” no one not even Axl Rose would agree with that statement.

      💯 here the problem is “spreading syrup around on the floor and a person who is suppose to be my adult partner is encouraging it”

      You are ok. This is not a you problem. Sometimes kids make bad choices

      1. Might not have been the floor. But “around the kitchen” is still cause for impatience

        1. Around the kitchen sounds worse to me. She is going to be dealing with random sticky kitchen spots for weeks. In my house, it means bugs….

      2. I don’t know; I think leaning into messes sometimes can make for a happier childhood vs. teaching kids to be anxious and uptight about things that aren’t actually a big deal.

        I think the issue is more DH and the kids being willing to make the mess but not willing to do a thorough job cleaning it. Taking Mom for granted is not cool.

        1. Co-sign. This sounds fun! But also, being mindful of the mess you leave for others is important and a skill dad should be role modeling.

        2. No a sticky home is unsanitary, do you want ants? This is how you get ants. Also I’m sure OP will be responsible for the exterminator logistics too

        3. Leaning into messes means letting them glue a bunch of stuff together, not letting them spread syrup around the kitchen.

          1. Okay, but you don’t make the rules? I guess I assumed it started as an accident that they were trying to downplay/make fun from and isn’t just wasting food wantonly. (I guess I also assumed it was cheap corn syrup and not something I’d care about wasting.) Sometimes breaking a minor taboo like playing with food on a rare occasion makes for great memories (there are cultures with whole festivals devoted to this kind of mess making and food wasting!). Cleaning it up their own selves might also teach them why it’s rare and taboo though.

          2. It’s not about the waste as much as it’s about the fact that no matter how hard you try you will never really get syrup cleaned up.

    6. So I had a really short fuse when I was in a job that I thought I loved but realized was super high stress and sucked up all of my time. I was unhappy but couldn’t see it — I just figured that this was life with full time work, a working spouse, and three kids. Then I left my job this summer, took a sabbatical (privileged, I realize), and am now working for myself part time (making the same amount of money now that I did in my FT role). I’m not saying this to humble brag, but I am a much kinder/gentler person now that I have been able to remove some significant life stress. Are there stressors you can remove or eliminate?

    7. There is a book called How Not To Lose Your Sh*t with your Kids, which I thought would be about how to get my kids to behave better, but really it turns out the problem was actually my lack of sleep and tendency to scroll on my phone…. Which was not the solution I wanted….

      1. Under OP’s fact pattern, I think the more appropriate book would be How Not To Lose Your Sh*t with Your Husband. An explosion would be inappropriate, but I would be clear that he (and the kids if age appropriate) are responsible for fully cleaning the kitchen. House rules!!

    8. I wish I had a recommendation – my spouse does that kind of thing and it drives me around the bend. I have a housekeeper come way, way more often than I would if I lived on my own (or just lived with the kids) because he is such a slob about things like water glasses and crumbs and stuff that falls to the floor when he is cooking.

    9. If I have too much on my plate, am not getting enough sleep, or am under the weather, the costs of fun seem far too high for me.

      I think it’s fair not to want to pay the costs (e.g. by cleaning) for someone else’s fun though!

    10. I went to therapy for this because I was resorting to self medicating with delta -8. I learned the breathing techniques, but getting on an anti-depressant was a game changer. I’d post this stuff on the mom’s page too, I think a lot of us have been there. I’ve gotten good recs there too, this podcast really was an eye opener about how women do not value “fun” It’s We Can Do Hard Things: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/4-fun-what-the-hell-is-it-and-why-do-we-need-it/id1564530722?i=1000523736996

      1. I really detest the commonly given advice to take drugs to deal with situational problems. OP needs her husband to act like an adult. She doesn’t need antidepressants unless she is actually depressed.

        1. I’m just amazed how many people here find them helpful! Last I checked, they only really worked for <30% of people who are actually depressed, let alone people who may not be. I think they're just so life changing when needed that people want to spread the good news.

        3. Well I was taking actual drugs, so the prescribed drugs I think is a better option for me and my kids. And this was my 2nd go round with anti-depressants, first time was Lexapro many years ago and it did nothing. This time I went to a psych and the first med we tried worked I am very thankful. Yes, life changing and I tell everyone about it. I took OPs comment as spiraling hyperbole, because that’s what I do when I’m just way to over stimulated and depressed. Maybe quit detesting people who are in good-faith trying to help others, who have asked for help.

      3. That’s cool that you went to therapy to deal with this. I did too. And marriage counseling. And a divorce lawyer.

  6. Can you wear a (formal) jumpsuit to a black tie wedding? I know I’ve seen them but am having a hard time finding one right now. Ideally dark pink, size 10/12

        1. Also lovely but more cocktail than black tie. Black tie jumpsuit needs to be a little extra, I think? Like the navy one above.

    3. I think it depends. The pink one posted first below is too casual, the second that looks like a dress would be fine.

  7. Have you ever had to have a conversation with a loved one (sister in my case) about feeling like the relationship is more one sided than you’d like and seeing how they feel about it and potentially problem solving? I grew up in an avoidant family so this seems like a normal thing to do (and I do in other relationships as needed) but feels weird to do with my sister which I would like to. Any thoughts or advice would be helpful.

    1. I come from a family that has a different viewpoint on what “family” means than I do. They breathe life into the phrase “if they wanted to, they would,” and the simple answer is that they don’t want to.

      I will never discuss this with them. They are who they are. They have chosen how to show up in their relationship with me. If I say “hey, can you act like you like me and my kids for once? I feel like I’m putting in all the effort here”, what will that get me? Begrudging efforts for a month or two and then a return to form?

      No, best to accept that they are who they are, and the relationships are what they are, and to seek emotional connection and support elsewhere. There is no getting blood from that stone.

      This is one of the most painful parts of my life. I’m sure it’s also the same for you. But ultimately: a conversation isn’t going to change them. This isn’t something they don’t know they’re doing. Family doesn’t mean they owe you matched energy. I wish it did. I wish it did so much.

      1. Was thinking similar. If you are having a hard time with someone including family it’s a good thing to share that. But you’ll need to really listen with an open mind to the other person, because they may not view this as a problem to be solved.

      2. On the other hand, if you just mean “I always drive to you — can you drive to me, too?”, like a one-off specific request, that’s something you absolutely should raise with them. If it’s more “I do all the emotional labor of the relationship and they rarely invite me to do anything and they constantly complain about how big a burden even the minimal effort they put in is,” then see my comment above.

      4. I think this is probably what’s going on here. I also feel 1) something has shifted in the last 6 months with my sister in that it used to be a lot more balanced and 2) there’s also an element of there’s a lot I’ve acted like is fine or haven’t really been honest about how I felt. Irrespective of the outcome I do feel like I want to say my peace, and I know I’m going to be disappointed.

        1. What, literally, used to be more balanced? Did she used to confide in you and no longer does? Did she used to do practical things for you and no longer does? Did she used to seem warm and open and no longer does?

          And, what happened 6 months ago? any circumstances on her part or your part?

          Are you actually wanting to say “I’m hurt” or “I said I was OK when ___ happened, but I really wasn’t?” rather than having a problem-solving conversation?

          1. Yes, she used to do all 3 of those things and doesn’t anymore. We don’t talk unless I reach out. It has never been fully balanced though in ways I definitely do care about. I’m 10 years older, the black sheep (she’s actually my half sister) and I have always been attentive to her feelings in a way that she never has been for me, but we used to have fun and there used to be more reciprocity.

            She was fired from her first job almost 2 years ago and moved home with her controlling parents, and she isn’t really working on that situation in any way. She’s become kind of a surly teenager lately with a lot of entitlement about what others need to do for her (mostly directed toward her parents). I think in the last 6 months things have deteriorated with her parents. I write all this out and think “wow there are way bigger problems here that nothing you do can change”, so I guess I do want to say I hurt, and YES to “I said I was ok but I wasn’t.”

            I guess it feels like I want to have (or should want to have?) a problem solving conversation but I don’t think anything will come of that and also it feels like it’s more about me getting things off my chest. Maybe I start there and ask her how she feels and go from there. If there’s a willingness to problem solve then that’s fine. If there isn’t then I can just feel good about having been honest about my feelings

            Ugh, sorry about the novel. I’m anxious about this today.

          2. OP’s reply suggests that maybe sister is having a kind of crisis in transitioning to adult life. Maybe failure to maintain this relationship is one more incident of acting out as part of what seems like an overall failure in transitioning to adult life. It may help OP to view it from that lens, but it doesn’t mean she should be a doormat. Sis may need someone to let her know that they see her overall difficulties, while holding her accountable.

          3. Well, sounds like her life is a mess right now, yes? And you expect she is going to be helpful/supportive to her 10 year older successful, employed, living independently sister? Could she possibly be immature/insecure/embarrassed/feel like a failure? And now you are going to tell her she is not supportive enough to you?

          4. You want to have a problem solving conversation about something that is a problem to only one person. I don’t think it will go like you hope it will.

          5. What does it mean to hold someone accountable for failing to maintain a relationship while going through a difficult time? If two people are experiencing unmet needs, how do you even decide which one needs to be held accountable to the other?

            Is it not enough to say “I miss you” without assigning blame?

          6. Yeah I agree with several up thread commenters. Your sister has bigger fish to fry, OP. You’re going to have to manage your own feelings here and not expect her to meet your needs.

            If you don’t want to help her in what you feel like is her self-made crisis, that’s fine. That’s your boundary.

            But demanding she step up and be a more emotionally supportive sister to you is an exercise in futility, and could even be interpreted as cruel given her current circumstances.

          7. Hard agree with 1:16. She’s very clearly struggling – this relationship is not going to be “balanced” right now. Lower your expectations about what she’s able to contribute.

        2. It’s striking to me that there’s a specific point in time you can point to where things changed. That suggests to me there may be an event that triggered this – a health scare? a miscarriage? a particularly brutal argument with her parents or romantic partner? that led here. And maybe she feels like she might be judged for what happened and is unwilling to open herself up to discussion. Six month isn’t necessarily long enough for her to recover from something bad happening to her.

          So while I get the urge to say your piece, I would try and figure out if there’s something going on first.

      5. You are 10 years older and half siblings. That puts you functionally in aunt territory while she was a kid, no? And now she’s a stumbling young adult.

        1. Right. There is an 8-year difference between me and one of my sisters. I didn’t expect any reciprocity from her or overall support until she was in her thirties, probably. You’re in vastly different life stages, and I don’t think your expectations are reasonable.

      6. This is exactly where I have landed. It makes me very sad but this is the only coping mechanism I have.

    2. It depends if this in an accidental dynamic or a black sheep/golden child issue where there are expected roles.

          1. I read OP’s further explanation about her sister. Sister does not sound like a functional golden child, at least not right now.

    3. You could start by asking questions. “Hey I love going out to lunch with you and having ‘sister day’. Is there a reason you don’t plan those?”

      Her: I’m really bad at those things!

      You: I get it but you always call me when you need a babysitter and I feel really taken for granted. I don’t think you mean it that way, right?

      Give them a chance to explain before you suggest or ask for a solution or changes.

    4. I wouldn’t about the actual issue. But if you want more involvement, I’d initiate more things. Invite your sister to do things, to events you have etc. She may not go but she might and then it happens naturally without the lingering resentment talk.

    5. This sounds awfully abstract to me. For me a relationship is something I am in at all times, including while having conversations about the relationship, so third person language like “the relationship is one sided” is more how I’d talk about it to a third party. I also figure that other people are already doing what they want to do and solving their own problems, and it’s on me to try to solve mine. Is the issue that you already tried making more concrete requests and also saying “no” more, and this didn’t change anything or met with resistance?

    6. Do not listen to therapy culture and demand that others fulfill your needs. If you feel that the relationship is one-sided in that you fulfill her needs but she doesn’t fulfill yours, pull back and stop doing things for her.

      1. This is my take, except I think it’s also okay (or helpful, or healthy) to have it out sometimes? But if the goal is to be honest and have one’s say, I think leaving therapy speak out of it helps. It’s not really fighting fair to ally oneself with some objective standard or authority from the outset of that kind of conversation; it can feel like someone has something subjective to say but is trying to frame their experience and feelings as the objectively correct or right ones vs. the other person’s, which just gets off on the wrong foot (even if we’re just resorting to that framing because we’re insecure or nervous in the first place).

    7. I am very sorry you’re dealing with this. I went through something very similar, and it is hurtful.

      I think you should ask yourself two things: 1. Would be it helpful to you, in your heart, if you spoke the truth about your hurt feelings and hopes for a different future? 2. Are there specific things — ideally actionable things — to do in the near future?

      If the answer to the first is yes, then speak your truth. Do it without expectations from them. It might be difficult and it will likely be disappointing, but there is something to knowing that you said out loud how you feel. Just know that you can’t extract a response, and you’re unlikely to feel “satisfied” by any response they give.

      If the answer to the second question is yes, then ask your sister if you could, say, have a weekly check-in phone call. Or whatever. And then know that you’ll have to be the initiator of those activities, and it might be disappointing and hurtful if/when it still feels like you’re putting in all the effort.

      And then, if you’ve tried what you want to try, see if you can pull back, focus on yourself, your friends, your chosen family, etc.

    8. I’ve had these conversations with my mom and they’ve never gone well. She is all about “saying my peace” but not interested in hearing others’ “peace” or changing in any way. She feels she does too much for her kids and isn’t appreciated (LOL – not getting into that backstory), I feel she has no interest in my life. Over time and especially since having a kid I talk to her a lot less and just accept that she’s going to unload on me at least once a year. I know a lot of therapists suggest getting things off your chest and talking to the “offender”, but in reality I’ve never seen it work well, both when I’ve tried and when it’s been done on me. After a few less aggressive prompts I’m more likely to drop the rope now.

      I also have the stepfamily dynamic on my dad’s side and over time have let those relationships go. If he wanted to he would is a perfect way of thinking about a lot of relationships and has reframed how I think about people since Covid. I second the suggestion to read Emotionally Immature Parents as it helped me a lot, then helped my husband understand my family better.

      2. I have some pretty toxic history in my family, caused more by my parents than my siblings, but resulting in lifelong challenges to all of our relationships. I actually feel my relationship with my sibs improving since I’ve started to work on accepting that they are who they are, and there simply are things (and understanding) that I’m not going to get from them. Starting to let that go (and I’m certainly not all the way there yet), is helping me appreciate the fun that we do have together a few times a year.

        1. I’m the anon @9:36, and I completely agree with this. I can appreciate the good moments with one of my siblings more (and respond with warmth and joy, not resigned “finally” energy), which I think is creating more good moments. A virtuous cycle after decades of a vicious one — how wonderful for both of us. The other sibling and my parents aren’t there yet, but accepting them has brought me more peace and less pain.

          OP, I really think the path you are contemplating is going to perpetuate dysfunction, not heal it. I respect your right to take the path, but I don’t think you’re going to feel better after you do, and I don’t think it’s going to improve anything.

    9. I literally can’t imagine that conversation, in the context you describe, going anything other than sideways. I think your best bet is to speak up in the moment as things arise.

    10. What if you approached the conversation from a place of curiosity: sis, we used to talk more often and you used to invite me to do xyz. seems like you’re no longer interested in doing those things. what’s going on? i miss xyz with you, and I’m sad that we don’t do it anymore. A few times I’ve said that it’s okay we aren’t doing xyz together, but this seems like a pattern now that you don’t want to. . . This approach can be useful if you genuinely want to problem solve, but giving her space first to say what she thinks also has the potential to crowd out your opportunity to get things off your chest.

    11. What are you hoping to achieve by “getting things off your chest” as you say? I would weigh the action with all possible results. In this instance, it sounds like there is very little likelihood of having the dynamic change by taking this route. It may feel good int he moment but is more likely to result in her pulling further away, especially with the additional details you have provided. If I were on the receiving end, I don’t know that it would really motivate change. There’s way more likelihood of her feeling like you’re piling on to the other stressors in her life right now.

  8. For the parents of older kids and college employees: are ED and EA the new general admission in reality? So many kids at my kids’ high school are deferred (which the Rules Kids rightly read as a rejection) that it feels like a ranked choice experiment gone horribly wrong.

    1. Rates of admission are generally higher in the ED/EA pool (though not at all schools), but I think this is because many ED/EA applicants have a “plus factor” because they are legacy or recruited athletes, or they are stellar candidates applying to their definite and obvious first choice school. I’m not sure the average qualified applicant actually has better odds ED/EA. I also don’t think a deferral is a rejection (some ED/EA applicants are outright denied), but admission remains a long shot for the average qualified applicant at a highly competitive school.

      1. I get that for selective schools, like MIT, but now I’m seeing it for giant SEC schools, which is insane.

        Someone needs to write the Rules Girl Guide to College yesterday.

      2. At least when I applied, rates for deferred applicants were much lower than the general applicant pool so it was essentially a rejection. E.g., if the school admitted 6% overall, the rate of admission for deferred applicants was 2%. So not literally impossible but a huge long shot even relative to already very slim admissions odds. The only people I heard of being admitted after deferral had something significant (e.g., a big award for sports or academics) happen in the intervening time period and let the school know about it.

      3. Binding early decision gives a huge edge because students are committed to attend if accepted, and colleges are gaming their yield rates in order to increase their rankings. It also allows colleges to award less aid to these students.

      4. From what I have seen, you have better odds in ED because schools have to fit students into various buckets, and those buckets get filled up in ED.

        Imagine, you’re from Idaho and you’re a volleyball player. The school wants kids from all 50 states and the volleyball coach would like an incoming freshman who plays the same position you play. If they scoop you up ED, you fit into two slots they need filled: kids from Idaho and volleyball players.

        Apply RD and maybe the volleyball coach already got someone else for that position, there are 70 other kids in the applicant pool from Idaho, and the school already took dive Idaho kids ED.

        There just aren’t a lot of “generic smart kid with good ECs” slots available. You’re much better off locking down your specific bucket early.

        1. The flip side though is that quotas are much stricter in ED. The Ivies only took 1 kid from my small state through ED, so if there was a legacy kid that year basically no one else had a chance. I got into my undergrad regular admission after being deferred through early decision, and was told it was because there was a legacy from my state who blocked me from ED. I heard of other people with the same story. So yes you can fill a niche in ED but you can also be blocked by restrictive geographic quotas.

        2. Not sure the vball example holds. D1, D2 and selective D3 schools are all active in recruiting and don’t wait for someone in admissions to flag a player. My daughter played in college and had coaches from all levels reach out to her directly. And she sent hundreds of emails to coaches around the country. Recruiting contact , scholarship and admission support rules vary by division.

          Very early in the recruiting process all coaches screen comparability with admissions requirements. Her competitiveness for admission was pre-screened by admissions before she committed to the school her junior year in high school. This was an important step for her because she wanted to study engineering and the engineering school has high standards, even for student athletes.

          She submitted her complete application for admission the day the admission process opened up. She was formally admitted within a week. She did not go ED and therefore her admission did not skew the ED statistics.

    2. “it feels like a ranked choice experiment gone horribly wrong”

      This makes no sense.

    4. No, they’re not the new general admission. Many kids get outright rejected in ED & EA, and deferral should not be read as rejection. The Rules isn’t a great analogy for this stuff, actually, and I really hope parents are not thinking of deferral as rejection.

      That said — there are literally one million more applicants than there were 20 years ago, but neither the number nor the size of colleges in the U.S. has changed. ED & EA are ways colleges are trying to manage the size of their application pool (though it has other problematic issues, I agree).

      I don’t know what you mean about ranked choice gone horribly wrong, though.

      1. I guess it lets the kids signal to colleges that they are very interested and willing to pay and now kids know that colleges are not that interested in them. Conversely, not applying at least nonbinding EA tells schools that a kid is not that interested in them, potentially. So if I had a senior, they’d strategically pick an ED school and apply at the EA deadline to all schools, even if EA isn’t offered, so have any rolling admission decisions and perhaps merit aid available all at once if the ED pick doesn’t come through.

        Kids slow out of the gate or just applying regular decision seem to be at a disadvantage even at huge schools.

        1. You’re right — I *believe* it’s a million more applicants, so fewer applications. Good distinction!

      3. Many schools are increasing their enrollment numbers; they are running deficits or otherwise need the tuition dollars.

        The chances of getting in RD after an ED deferral are a lot smaller than the overall admission rate. If the school admits 10% of applicants, your chances of getting in RD might be something like 2%. It’s smart to treat it like a rejection; apply EDII to your second choice school and don’t hold out hope for that crazy long shot.

        1. As someone who works in higher ed, I don’t actually think most schools are increasing their numbers (with some exceptions). They are taking more kids who can pay full tuition, though.

          Also, so much of this process is about emotional management, both from the kids and from the parents.

    5. To address your points: no; deferral is absolutely not a rejection; and I have no idea what you mean by comparing EA/ED to a ranked choice experiment.

      1. Not the OP and the comparison makes perfect sense to me.

        In theory, ED signals significant interest in the school, that it’s truly a student’s first choice. Schools want kids who want to be there. This started off with students who wanted to be there and colleges who wanted those students locking in that choice early, for mutual benefit. It’s now gone horribly awry.

    6. Applying early decision (binding) or early action (non-binding) is a more critical strategy now than ever. I have a college sophomore and a high school senior, so my experience is timely. What’s changed is (1) it’s easier than ever to apply to multiple schools using online tools, and (2) since COVID, many schools are test optional. The result is that schools receive far more applications than they used to, which drives acceptance rates down. In turn, students see those lower acceptance rates and submit applications to more schools, keeping the cycle going. When students are applying to 10+ schools, a key way to differentiate yourself is to apply early decision (binding). Schools need students to commit as soon as possible so they can plan for classes, housing, and balance budgets. The new emphasis on early timelines is real.

      1. Plus — and this is really key — the binding decisions come *before* federal financial aid. What that means is that many of the kids applying ED are from families that are assured they’ll be able to afford it. So the benefit for colleges for ED (and often EA) is that you get more financially able applicants.

        This system, as so many systems, benefits and sustains the wealth class, structurally and otherwise.

        1. In case anyone feels like the system is rigged (and it probably is), as you can see from the above, even applying ED doesn’t guarantee you an admisison. I had two kids apply ED some years ago and neither one was admitted, even though we were fortunate enough to pay full tuition. One was probably academically underqualified-so good call on the school’s part, and the other was applying to an Ivy and had what we thought were academic and athletic credentials to be admitted but obviously we were wrong on the question of whether the coach was willing to use a slot. Unless you are making 7 figure gifts to the school, even full tuition doesn’t get you a slot.

          1. Full tuition won’t get you a slot, but being unable to afford full tuition precludes you from even applying ED.

          2. There are no guarantees, and here’s what I can say having worked on admissions committees myself: there are many, many factors you are not aware of, and those factors change year to year. I hear so often from parents who say things like, “My kid has all the academic credentials and scores, plus X, Y, and Z, so I can’t understand why they didn’t get in.”

            All to say: whether or not your kid is academically qualified and whether or not your kid *could* or *should* get in doesn’t guarantee anything. That’s why I say above that this is much more about emotional management. Do your best. Apply where you think makes sense, and let yourself reach a bit, too. But also do the work not to put all assumptions/expectations/ideals into a certain college taking you on. It’s not make-or-break, and it doesn’t say much about you as a person or even, often, as an applicant.

  9. Does anyone have a baked pasta recipe they really love? Ideally something that can be whipped up relatively quickly the morning of or prepared the day before and stashed in the fridge to bake before we eat. I’m having a few people over for board games and a late lunch on Christmas Day and want to put together an easy, substantial meal in addition to some light apps and dessert I have planned. No mushrooms but meat and dairy are fine.

    1. My favorite, which is unfortunately not possible unless you already have a stash of the Trader Joe’s harvest pasta sauce (it’s seasonal), is just a mix of caramelized onions, a lot of roasted broccoli, penne, harvest pasta sauce, and a little mozzarella and Parmesan. You could do a regular marinara and it would be fine, though, you’d just have to add more cheese.

    2. The cherry tomato / feta pasta that was everywhere on the internet a couple years ago is a guaranteed hit in my house.

      3. yes, i was going to say that too — the washington post had a recipe for it. we add a TON of veggies like zucchini and spinach. try googling viral feta pasta bake.

    3. Yes! Baked mostaccioli. 2 cans of diced tomatoes, 1 small can of tomato paste, 2 rolls of Jimmy Dean regular sausage, box of penne pasta, small can of mushrooms., 1 tsp of oregano or Itslian seasoning, 1/2 tsp pepper. Cook & drain sausage. Add cans of tomatoes, tomato paste, mushrooms, pepper, & Italian seasoning. Let simmer on stove. Boil pasta until el dente & drain. Mix meat mix & pasta. Put into greased 9×13 pan. Cover with shredded mozzarella cheese or slices of mozzarella or provolone cheese. Bake at 350 until hot. Let cool 10 minutes & serve. I’ll also make night before, refrigerate, and bake the next evening. Portions freeze great. Makes a great meal to take to others.

    7. I like the Kitchn’s chicken parm meatballs for this, and I make pasta fresh the day I’m serving it.

  10. Any tips for making saving money fun? We’re looking ahead to a temporary period of serious budget cuts and I’d like to prepare now for that lean time.

    1. A busy life doesn’t feel austere! Start now by making a list of things to do and resources to check for free or low-cost entertainment. For example, our local library has a huge board game stash. During the winter months, check out several and have a game night with friends.

      In the spring, look for garden shows in your area. Pack a picnic and go enjoy the pretty flowers. Or go for hikes nearby to enjoy the warmer air. In the summer, look for neighborhood festivals and outdoor entertainment that’s low cost.

      Also – the Budget Bytes site is great for low-cost but delicious meals. See if there are some that inspire you?

    2. This is a very small tip, but my husband and I started making pizza at home on Friday nights when saving for a down payment ( vs going out or ordering pizza). We buy basic supermarket dough in bags, sauce, cheese and veg, and it was less than $5 (now it is slightly more because we have kids and need more dough.)

      We are coming up on 12 years of making pizza every single Friday night, and it’s become a beloved family tradition. It’s the one thing all our kids will reliably eat, lol. We actually cut our restaurant food basically entirely — we get takeout maybe 5x a year? — and while that is less “fun”, still having a weekly pizza night takes the edge off. Bonus, it doesn’t take any mental energy to plan Friday dinners, either! Maybe you don’t like pizza, but the point is to find a simple meal you love and turn a sacrifice into a tradition.

    3. So, I find the 4% rule pretty fun. Basically, you can likely safely withdraw 4% of your investments each year in perpetuity. That means you need 25x your current annual expenditure.

      That’s overwhelming for your overall financial picture. But I found it fun to make a list of my small annual expenses and watch myself move up the list. Like, “I could afford Spotify for the rest of my life,” or “I can support my new book habit forever now” or whatever. If your annual expense for something is $100, you’d want $2500 to cover it forever.

      I can see how this might make a different brain more anxious, not less, but to me, it felt like I had successfully stockpiled nuts for winter for that little thing, which was a dopamine hit. And it had the side effect of making me think about my expenses to make sure I was only stockpiling for things that truly brought me joy.

    4. I like to think of hanging out at home as maximizing every dollar of my mortgage payment, while taking care of my physical and mental wellbeing. You can break up the monotony with movie nights, game nights, special meal nights, craft days, whatever floats your boat. Also, hosting is not always inexpensive, but most of the time, I prefer having people over for a chill evening rather than going out to get overpriced drinks and food.

    5. Being creative about free things to do can actually be really fun. It gets you looking at places you might have overlooked and doing new things. Plus! Get to know your local library! Many libraries have museum passes to lend, as well as all sort of other fun programming.

    6. Play up the novelty factor. If you don’t regularly shop at, say, Walmart or thrift stores, plan some trips to them in lieu of your normal shopping. Wander all the aisles and embrace the weird things you may find! Embrace but don’t buy, I mean. Our brains really struggle with sameness, so simply changing experiences is enjoyable.

      And counterintuitively, find some streaming packages or video games you like. The bang for your buck for a Hulu subscription or Stardew Valley or something is absurd when you calculate the cost per hour of viewing or playing.

    7. Make more money. Savings won’t get you as far as a step up in income. Apply for promotions, see what your bonus opportunities are, pick up gig work. Save the extra and that’s very painless.

      1. +1. I have always been a saver, but nothing can compare to the additional savings capacity created by higher earnings.

      2. I’m not OP but ‘temporary period of serious budget cuts’ suggests to me parental leave/going back to school/moving for one partner’s job and the other needs to find one in a new location, or something else like that where not having the option of making money for a while is the point.

    8. Do you respond well to gamifying? I’m dipping a toe into no buy and got a counter app that tracks how long since I spent money in the categories I’m trying not to spend money on. My lizard brain likes see number go up so I’m definitely finding it easier than my previous strategy of telling myself firmly I won’t spend x amount.

        1. I use one called DayCount because you can make it look nice with pretty widgets (so I can see my days on my screen without having to go into the app) but there’s loads of similar ones – look for habit tracker or streaks apps.

      2. Love it! So far in the past week, there has been twice that I’ve hit my step goal only because I wanted to keep my streak!

    9. Woks of Life has great recipes; we no longer feel the need to order takeout Chinese. Tasty Bites are inexpensive and can be paired with homemade rice to scratch the itch for Indian takeout.

    10. When going through lean times, I live at the library or in the mountains. So many good free things at the library. In the same vein as “busy doesn’t feel austere” make getting places take longer if you need to feel busier. A trip to the library can be extended to an hour with my kids. Riding our bikes there makes the trip take 2, and they’re completely occupied during that time.

    11. – Embrace new challenges. Money buys convenience. Lean into learning to do things yourselves, within reason. Perfect cooking your favorite foods. Learn to make some basics, like bread and stock, from scratch. Take on minor home repairs yourselves. (Obviously, there’s a limit, and a skilled tradesman can fix some issues more cost-effectively and safely than you can, but there’s a lot that a decently handy person can do themselves.) Grow your own herbs. Learn or improve on a skill or hobby to make things for yourself or gifts for people (or even turn it into a side hustle).
      – Make less desirable chores part of a routine that’s about taking care of your home and your space, and incorporate ways to make them more enjoyable (audiobooks or podcasts, a nice beverage during or afterwards).
      – Gamify or add challenges to use up what you have. At different times, I’ve done this with beauty products and make-up, clothes, books, and items in my freezer and pantry. It forces you to be resourceful and creative and can actually be very satisfying. Once the “challenge” is over, I find that I’m more intentional about what I buy and whether and how I use it.
      – Find something fun and free (or cheap) to do together at home. Board games, video games, movie night, cooking together, etc.
      – Subscribe to an email, newsletter, or social media site that alerts you to free and inexpensive events in your area.
      – Explore nature within driving distance. Go hiking, visit state parks, stay in cabins (or camp, but I find the occasional state park cabin more comfortable and more cost-effective than buying camping gear).

    12. If you want to entertain friends more inexpensively, consider hosting them for Sunday brunch or afternoon tea on Saturdays. Less efforts, less costly, just the same amount of time afforded to catch up.

    13. I don’t know if you’re in the NYC are, but our local library has free passes to most of the major museums in NYC. The savings are significant, especially considering a ticket to the Met is now $30. Kids 12 and under can ride the commuter railroads during off peak hours for like $1. Pack a lunch and snacks and spend the day in NYC, hit museum, go to Central Park. Next time head downtown and walk over the Brooklyn Bridge, then visit the WTC memorial site.

  11. Does anyone have the MZW bags with multiple handles? I’m realizing that I don’t like bags with JUST a cross body strap.

    1. Do you mean the Crosby line that comes with 2-3 handles? I’ve had three of them and love them.

    2. I have a medium MZW Sutton that I sometimes carry as a shoulder bag and sometimes wear crossbody. It’s been a workhorse of a bag for me and I definitely recommend.

  12. My co-worker just told me her cat died six days ago. She started crying. What would you do for her? She is a sweet person and said she got a cold because she has cried so much. I don’t have much time to go shop that much and am at a loss for what would be comforting.

    2. I’ve had a couple of cats pass away over the years. Some friends made donations in my name to the animal shelter where I volunteer. I really appreciated that.

      1. A friend’s golden recently passed and I made a donation to have the dog’s name added to the local shelter’s “Wall of Remembrance.” The shelter sent my friend a card notifying her of this. She was very touched.

    3. Just being there and being kind about it. If there’s something easy that would make her life a bit better/easier — like grabbing her a coffee on your way in, something like that — that would be a nice thing. Or a card, actually, just acknowledging that she’s going through a hard moment.

    4. When my dog died last year, my coworkers gave me some flowers (from Costco! Nothing crazy) and a bag of candy. It was a nice touch.

    5. Literally anything. A card. A tea. A Starbucks card. A cookie. Just the thought is great.

      1. Yes, I cosign this. When I have had losses in my life, literally anything that shows kindness has been touching, no matter what it is.

  13. I want to send a Christmas gift to a relative who just got out of rehab and is in transitional housing. They have their own bedroom in a 3BR. They lost their license recently so I don’t want to get into gift card territory. I don’t even want to do supermarket GCs.

    I sent a small box of “holiday cheer” to decorate their new place since they are not allowed any overnights until after the new year. I’d also like to send food. Any suggestions of something that will have lasting power and isnt random snacks? I’m looking at Wolfermans baskets but would like some other options.

    This person is in a really tough place in life and needs some holiday cheer.

    1. Door dash?

      I got a family with a parent with cancer an uber gift card because it could be used to get kids to places or to get uber eats, also

    2. Cozy throw blanket.

      Pillow cases for the bed and wall decals that are personalize like via favorite color or sports teams or theme etc.

      Magazines, deck of cards, nice pump bottle of hand soap, Family photo in a small frame.

    3. charcuterie type basket? Somewhere like DiBruno’s (Philly but they ship) will probably get you a lot more for your money than Wolferman’s.

    4. Zingerman’s does good online food baskets. And if you’d like to do more than/something other than food, I second a cozy blanket, or a really lovely set of sheets.

    5. Spoonful of Comfort does soup mixes. I’ve also sent folks breakfast things in the past–waffle mix, syrup, potholders, etc.

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