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Workwear sales of note for 3.24.23:
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything; extra 15% off purchase
- Boden – Up to 50% off
- Brooks Brothers – Clearance styles to 70% off. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Express – 40% off dresses & tops
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase; up to 50% off special-occasion styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 15% off 3 styles; extra 20% off 4 styles; extra 50% off clearance
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 25% off select styles; 25% off markdowns
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- What are your favorite parts of a typical day?
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I love this Ann Taylor pleated top, and wear these on weekend’s with Jeans. I recommend it to the HIVE! I also hope the hive remembers that Cinco De Mayo is coming up next week, and we should think about dressing festiveley for the holiday, mabye even by all of us wearing this top or something similar! YAY!!!
Recommendations for a DC OBGYN? I’m 32, hope to be pregnant this year, and need to make an appointment for my annual exam this summer. It’d be great to find someone who I could go back to as we continue TTC, however that shakes out. Any recommendations would be very appreciated!
I’ve only used her as a gyno, but I love Dr L i s a H o l l o w a y at Capital Women’s Care on K street!
no DC recs, but if you want to see someone who could eventually be your OB, then work backward from whichever hospital you want to deliver at and find a practice that has admitting privileges there and is covered by your insurance.
Reiter Hill, which I recommended below, delivers at Sibley, as does CWC (I think)–there is a lag with comments, but those are the two recs I see as of this post. Sibley is quite nice, recently renovated l&d. I thought the food was pretty good (and I was hungry after delivery — was nauseous through most of pregnancy). The only thing that I don’t love is that they don’t have wireless monitors, although maybe that will change by the time OP is at that point. For me, that basically meant that if I was induced & needed continuous monitoring, I would probably get an epidural on the earlier side (and I was totally fine with having that as the outcome).
Wash Hospital Center midwives is the only practice in the area AFAIK that offers nitrous, if that is of interest to you.
Does Sibley still charge for a private room?
No. They don’t have shared rooms.
Dr. Busch at Reiter Hill, which is a rec I got here a long time ago. She’s fantastic!
+1 This is the way to do it.
Dr Safran at Capital Women’s Care
Peterson @ Reiter Hill. I’ve also seen and liked Dedania there if you’d prefer a woman. (Saw Peterson for all my prenatal appts except 1 w/Dedania, and Dedania ended up being on call when I delivered.) Generally pleased with the practice, had a bad experience at Capital Women’s Care.
If there’s a chance you want to deliver with GW midwives (not a decision to be made lightly), they also do routine gyn care.
I am finally dragging out my non-fleece leggings and pants (it’s still been cold!) and am wondering if the following are still in style or if I should toss:
– black jeans (high waist skinny)
– white jeans (J crew matchstick, so a skinny straight leg)
– dark wash skinny jeans
I just bought 2 pairs of lighter wash distressed jeans that I think are more trendy this season, and I also have grey distressed jeans, so I feel like I won’t wear the 3 above pairs as much?
From what I have seen, skinny jeans in stark colors like black are out. There are more relaxed fit offerings in lighter washes, and even some bluntly cut jeans.
I am personally going for boyfriend fit jeans in gray with a bit of distressing and in light blue with no distressing. Both high waist.
Then again, like with any fashion fad, you do what works for your body type. I hate bell bottoms and that will just not happen.
In LA, would agree with black skinnies being more out because they’re honestly super hard to find. Every store has blues and grays, but no blacks. Also the relaxed fits are now huge.
I don’t know why you would get rid of skinny jeans right now. You probably have tops that work with them and they’re not completely out of style at the moment.
I think it also depends on where you live. I know that the style is supposedly moving away from skinny jeans and I am seeing other styles in stores, but every single woman I see in the wild who is wearing jeans is wearing skinny jeans. To the extent that style has moved on, it hasn’t hit my (east coast big city) town yet
Skinny jeans have been supposedly moving out of style for 5+ years now, and I’m just not seeing it.
Yeah, and I have some flares that I adore, but you really have to wear them with heels. So that’s just not happening a lot of the time. I think that’s one thing that will keep skinny jeans in style for a while.
All of these sound fine to me. I don’t think the market is moving away from skinny jeans just yet. (Cropped flares? Hell to the no.)
My grand unified theory of skinny jeans is… they are flattering on a lot of women. Despite trend cycles being what they are, women keep buying them so makers keep making the. We just have to resist the dreck like cropped flares and we can keep our skinny jeans. RESIST!
+1 I have black skinny jeans I wear to work (sized up they resemble a structured pant on my body type). While I love more flared styles, I’m mostly seeing skinnies, and cropped flares. On me, cropped flares do not flatter, and I’m not feeling the bootcut vibe in my city, so I revert to skinny jeans. I’ve noticed, there are varying levels,of tightness and looseness that is encompassed by the term ‘skinny jean’ — essentially, I think it is a staple that shifts here in there in the smaller aesthetic details, but remains around due to ease of styling.
The thing is, as an old, I remember when the same sentiments were uttered about bootcut jeans.
This. I’ll probably keep wearing skinny jeans on occasion, but as with bootcuts and flares, they will likely be out completely in 2 years or so and you’ll be on here lamenting how you could ever have worn them.
I agree with this too. I’m 48, and when bootcuts were ’in’ in the mid 90s, there were still lots of fitted/ straighter pants around that people wore. I recall many women still wore basic straight leg Levi’s, despite the fact that low rise bootcuts dominated.
Lots to Learn
I’m seeing skinny jeans with cut and frayed bottoms – a couple of inches above the ankle. Last weekend, I thought I’d try to embrace this trend by getting a pair at Old Navy and they didn’t seem to have any. Does anyone know whether you can take a pair of regular skinnies and cut/fray them yourself?
Agree that the cropped flares just look odd…
I think this is really cute for summer: I’m seeing skinny jeans with cut and frayed bottoms – a couple of inches above the ankle.
But I hate having to own pants for winter. I already have to own shorts and warmer fabric items for the different seasons and just want to scream at owning another season-specific item.
OR MAYBE I JUST NEED TO MOVE TO SAN DIEGO . . .
I just bought some Rag & Bone skinny ankle rough hem jeans from Rack. Love them.
I am a petite who sometimes buys regular skinnies because the rise fits better. I actually had my seamstress chop a pair of skinnies last year and they have frayed nicely on their own from there. Well worth the $15 to make sure that the legs were cut evenly (relative to each other, as well as front to back) and to neatly pull out the side seams.
I ordered some from, of all places, QVC/Isaac Mizrahi. They have a line of sewing above the frayed part that i think keeps them from further fraying. I also worry they’d roll up if I cut them myself.
I sent the pair back because I ordered the wrong size but they were pretty nicely made. They were from the true denim line.
I am actually coming around to cropped flares! But the bone just above my ankle joint is pretty skinny, so maybe that makes it work?
I have a pair from Old Navy that mimics the Everlane ones. And I have a couple of pairs of “kick crop” jeans from Loft – regular skinny jeans but with a small flare above the ankle. I don’t know, I think the cropped flares can look kind of edgy.
I find cropped flares very flattering on myself (also have skinny ankles), but I agree that they don’t seem to be catching on.
Yes, absolutely you can cut the bottoms off. I put the pants on, fold them up to the length I want (since I’m shortening them a little anyways, I want to find the most flattering length and only cut once). Take them off, make little cuts on each side, unfold, and cut across to connect your littler marker cuts.
If you like them and they fit, can you repurpose them for casual riding?
I love white jeans in the spring and summer. Definitely keep those at least.
I am keeping my skinny leg jeans for now. But I don’t live my life on the cutting edge of fashion.
I don’t wear black or dark wash denim in summer, so would hang onto those for fall. The white matchstick pair strikes me as still perfectly classic (I have the same pair) since the calf is not super skinny.
Having worn 90’s style jeans the first time around, I feel no need to revisit that fit, which was ok-at-best at the time and most definitely “mutton dressed as lamb” now!
The original Scarlett
Pry those out of my cold, dead hands. You just listed the staples in my daily work uniform.
+100 – skinnies > flares forever.
+1. I will now excuse myself to do some Grandpa Simpson-type yelling at clouds.
Inspired By Hermione
+1 I have so many pairs of skinny jeans/Rockstars and they look best on me, fashion be damned.
I’d say black and white are still totally in, dark wash less so – but really depends on your style. They’re jeans! They don’t need to be perfectly trendy. I keep a small number of things that are good quality/fit me well but just aren’t doing it for me right now, put them away for a season or so, and revisit later – they often look fresh again after a season or a year. If you aren’t feeling them don’t wear them! Maybe stick them in the back of the closet and take another look at them later.
+1 Who just throws their clothes out when some random internet commenters tell them they’re out of style??
Agree. It’s so needy and desperate for validation. If skinny jeans work on you, rock on. If flares work on you, rock on.
Plain dark wash is definitely less stylish these days, everything else is still okay in my books.
Plain dark wash is classic and always will
I had the same question about black skinny jeans! In Soho and other trendy fashion neighborhoods of NYC, I rarely see them anymore and feel a little self-conscious if I wear black skinny jeans. But blue skinny jeans still works if paired with the right top (see through or crop top). Instead, I’ve been seeing cropped flares and these dress-like super long pants. They tend to be paired with something super short cut on top. It seems that only tall and skinny fashionistas can pull this look off though.
Ordered this in navy! I’m so happy when retailers offer tall sizes.
Ladies who have six pack abs- how did you get them? I have a punishing workout regimen of both lifting and cardio, and I’m doing a decent job with protein and not eating simple carbs, although I probably still need to loose a little around the belly to make this happen. I’d be curious to hear about your eating habits and workout regimen.
Having abs is a commitment!! (which it sounds like you already know) — if your training is on point, then you have to dial in your eating. It’s unfortunately probably more than just eating protein and less carbs — at the point that you’re close to visible and defined abs, you’re talking a strategic diet for low body fat. I’d suggest checking out Renaissance Periodization and their diet templates (they have an app now too) – lots of women make that jump to cut abs using their templates.
And I’m sure there will be comments, but there is nothing wrong with having an aesthetic goal like this!! That said, Precision Nutrition has a good article on “the cost of being lean”, I’ll try to link it below as well, and the sacrifices made to get to each level. For most women 6-pack abs on the regular isn’t a lifestyle because of the sacrifice required to get there.
I’ll never get the 6 pack look because of extra skin from weight lost, but I respect the hell out of people who do. Good luck!!
I was prepared to hate-read that article, but it’s actually pretty great.
They have some really good content. I appreciate them just being honest about the time levels, not judging about where people spend their time.
This article is completely unrealistic if you are over 40 and/or have Mirena. I am doing everything in the 20-22% recommendations, plus counting calories and exercising more than indicated, and I still don’t look anything like the drawing.
Yes, I think a valid critique is that it doesn’t address the (many, valid) reasons why someone would do everything in the list, and still not end up with the pictured results.
But I do appreciate the clear expression of the time, values, and behaviors (including ones that they openly acknowledge may be problematic) that it may take an average human to (maybe) acquire the body fat percentage that could (maybe) result in a visible six pack. And the support for people who choose to prioritize other behaviors and values.
Can I ask why you mentioned Mirena? I got it last year, does it contribute to holding onto weight?
Mine made me gain 13 lbs.
This is super helpful! Thank you. I’ve been trying to lose body fat to get healthier to no avail, and this basically sums up what I’m doing that’s keeping me in the >30% body fat bracket.
Honestly I think a lot of it comes down to genetics. I usually gain weight first in my hips/thighs, next in my seat, then in my middle/chest (and it has to be a pretty large gain to get to my chest!). I will never ever have a thigh gap as my legs have always been larger/muscular, and I’ve had cellulite since I was a kid (ha, my son does too, so its just genetics). However, my stomach tends to stay flat. FWIW, I do OrangeTheory 2-3x/wk but nothing more than that and eat plenty of simple carbs (but trying to cut down to add more fruits/veggies in).
It’s all about body fat percentage for having a super lean look, as well as how your body stores fat. If you’re an apple body type, you’re going to have to be really, really lean to achieve visible abs. Tone it Up girls are very lean and have a diet and nutrition plan, along with some “7 Day Slimdowns” to use before big events. I’d look at their content.
You say very lean, I say disturbing and disordered and dangerous.
Not necessarily. Everyone is different, but your comment comes of very judgmental.
Cool story, bro
Haha my son’s response to this is “want me to tell it again?”
If your regiment is already “punishing” why punish yourself even further in pursuit of an unrealistic body standard?
I say this gently, but this really doesn’t sound like a healthy goal. Not sure why you’re pursuing this, but if you’re already punishing yourself with hard workouts and eating relatively healthy … I don’t know, this doesn’t quite sit right.
There are some moms at my swim club who have these. I think that they are either genetically gifted or it’s a tummy tuck (which it seems that a lot of people get after their last kid, but I looked into it and it looked gruesome to undergo and recover from –> decidedly in Team Rashguard now). FWIW, when I see someone who is well-endowed with a washboard stomach, I think that either they hit the genetic lottery, something isn’t natural or they devote themselves to it 24/7, which is a lifestyle that would make me miserable. But when you see it all.the.time, I do feel a bit “why can’t I have this” if I don’t take a step back and consider what it must take out of a person.
it’s actually really hard to get defined abs after a tummy tuck because they pull up the whole “sheet” of skin (gross, I know) so the adhesion to the muscles isn’t there any more.
Yeah a tummy tuck will make your abs flat but not 6-pack-ish.
Don’t discount sculpsure or coolsculpting for the abs, that’s basically the entire point of those techniques!
High school metabolism + three season varsity runner (nb: we lifted at least three times a week) + physical summer job (schedule: morning run, ride two horses, farm labor the rest of the day) + eating disorder. Even with the same level of activity, the six pack said bye-bye for good as soon as I started eating food again. YMMV.
No food allowed
+1 this is my experience too. 32 year old runner, 2x wk weightlifter, yoga.
the only time my 3-4-pack starts to peek is when I’m not eating as much. literally any food. Everything I’ve read says that abs are primary food + genetic based. If you’re desperately trying for the 6-pack (we all have goals! I support this!) get a coach/trainer who can tell you what to eat.
I weight lift with the occasional cardio. I rotate between legs, arms, back, and shoulder/chest days, but abs are every day. There are 5 different types of ab machines available at my gym. Each day, I pick 3 machines (whichever are available at the time) and do 3 sets of 10 of whatever ab machine I’m doing at the max weight that I can handle and just keep adding more weight as I progress.
I agree with the commenter above who mentioned body shape size. Since I’m pear shaped and tend to carry weight in my hips, thighs, and rear instead of my stomach that gives me some extra help with maintaining a six pack. Just make sure you tailor your workouts to your shape and fat distribution.
Forgot to mention that I don’t follow any particular diet. I eat mostly anything, but lately i’m trying to cut back on sugar and incorporate more greens.
I think this is 100% a body type thing. Anywhere below about 115 for 5’6 me and I have abs, though I don’t like being that thin because its really hard to find clothes that fit so I tend to hover around 125 because I like having more b**bs. I also don’t think carbs are the enemy, it seems to be a trendy and irrational fear. I eat all the carbs, I find oil and alcohol to be much more damning.
Also as a mother of 3, including 2 c-sections, I’d add: Never be pregnant.
Good luck, or as we moms say to each other when wishing for a clean house “find a new dream”
Oh my gosh, I could have written that post – same stats here.
But I will say I was able to get them pretty good after my second (first c). I am having no luck after my third kid and second c, but I will survive.
Also, I think genetics are the most important thing, and there’s nothing you can do to change those, so just focus on being healthy and strong.
Yeah, the only mom I know with a 6 pack is also a semi-pro triathlete so working out is literally her job.
I have six pack abs and TBH I don’t really do anything special. I don’t say that to sound smug, but to say that they’re not the product of anything remotely punishing. It’s just the way my body is built. I am naturally slim and I carry weight in my thighs rather than my torso. My diet is reasonably healthy and I run and do a Pilates video a few times a week but I really don’t exercise more or eat better than many people. Your body type just may not be the type that makes six-pack abs attainable, and that’s completely fine. I’m not sure why they’re your goal–FWIW my husband would prefer I have more softness in the middle so it’s not like six pack abs are the universally accepted standard of beauty or something.
Bike to work, run everyday followed by crunches, go for walks/be outside with friends instead of going out to eat & drink.
I used to run ~ 5k and then do some sort of exercise class like pilates or yoga, probably 4-5x per week. Sometimes on the weekends I would switch it out for long bike rides. For me it was probably all the running because I did the other things before I started running. Running somehow seemed to suck all the fat out of me without dieting. Will say though that I was a pretty healthy eater in general, ate lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. I am not a talented runner or particularly athletic, so maybe it just took me more effort than most to jog at an average rate. I was also young (late 20’s) and single with all the time in the world on my hands, I considered running and yoga/pilates separate hobbies. I did it consistently for years on end and it really showed.
I have a number of lean and even skinny friends and not a single one has a 6-pack. And now that I think about it, I don’t think I have ever seen a single person in the wild with a 6-pack on the beach. The only 6 packs I see are on Instagram and FB and those are from women who make their living promoting fitness.
Not to dissuade you from your goal, but if your stomach is flat, you are about 99.9% further along than the rest of us.
Not to dissuade you from your goal, but if your stomach is flat, you are about 99.9% further along than the rest of us.
I have a four-pack, not a six pack. In addition to diet/exercise, I think two factors help. First, I’ve been involved with choral singing since middle school, so it’s innate for me to maintain the kind of posture that most people find overly stringent (high and rolled back shoulders, support from the diaphragm, stomach tucked in). Second, I’m childfree/never been pregnant.
1. Be 25 years old.
2. Swim a lot.
Correct 1. to be 18
3. Don’t eat
Eh, I had an almost six-pack at age 25 and I definitely ate. But I swam all the time – just did open-water ocean swims for fun after work.
Genetics + very low body fat. Remember, everyone has a six-pack under their skin, working out more isn’t going to get it to show, only being so thin/having so little body fat that there is nothing to cover it. I think it’s an unrealistic goal for most women, let alone someone with a normal lifestyle (i.e. not pro athlete). Don’t exhaust yourself for an improbable and meaningless goal.
Idk bro my coworker is literally an Olympic athlete in running and doesn’t have a six pack. Either you got the genes or you don’t.
So for some reason I have two Facebook friends who married their second husbands and then decided to do a bikini fitness competition ala Teresa on RHONJ.
Both of them were stay at home wives when they did this and they spent most of their days at the gym with a personal trainer. (I am pretty sure one of them had an affair with the personal trainer but that is nether here nor there.) One did kick boxing, one did CrossFit, and then they both did weight training.
They posted constantly about their progress and measurements and exactly what they were eating and when. For one of them it was all shakes and no real food, and of course trying to sell the shakes on Facebook.
For the other one it was lean proteins and plain vegetables only – no fat, no carbs, not even fruit. Like, egg whites and steamed spinach, cooked with no oil. There was a super disordered braggy look at how I’m depriving myself thing about the food postings.
Anyway, they both got a ridiculously dark spray tan and a teeny tiny sequined bikini and some stripper heels and did the competition.
And then they both went back to eating normally and boom, no more six pack, almost instantly.
So the answer is, have an eating disorder and a need to prove something about yourself, and don’t get too attached to the results.
So many questions
Did they place?
Was it the same competition at the same time? Or, like, different years or whatever?
Do they know each other? I have so many questions. Were they still Facebook friends with their first husbands and wanted to show off?
Haha yes they both got some sort of trophy but neither of them won. They don’t know each other and the competitions were in different cities. And YES at least one of them was motivated by showing the “haters” that they were wrong to gossip about why she left her first husband for her boss…. I guess? It doesn’t all fit together for me but I mostly post photos of my cat on social media (in my defense, he is extra-handsome) so… I dunno.
Can we not with the comments about having an eating disorder? I get comments like that a lot, and know that people make comments behind my back regarding the fact that I eat normally and remain thin. No, it’s not because I’m secretly puking. Just like it’s rude to assume that an overweight person is unhealthy, it’s rude to assume that a thin person is unhealthy. Some people really are just naturally thin, and we resent being told we must have eating disorders.
I think the comment was directed towards the “all shakes and no real food” – no assumption necessary here, as this is objectively unhealthy.
I have a friend who is a nationally-ranked age-group weight-lifter (she trains with CrossFit) in her 40s and she has abs. She works out like a madwoman (and I say that with love and respect and awe) and sticks to a very very VERY strict diet.
Excessive discipline in the pursuit of a weight goal may be ill-advised but it is not the same as an eating disorder, which is a mental health issue. In the same way that lots of zeal in decluttering, organizing, and Marie Kondo-ing one’s belongings is not the same as OCD.
If they went right back to their old eating patterns, they didn’t have eating disorders. People with ED can’t just “go back” to burgers and fries.
Genetics. My sister is way healthier than I am, ran marathons pre-kids, ate much better than I ever have, and she never had anything remotely like a six pack. I have much better ab definition than she does, and I’m basically a slob who lives on sugar coffee and vending machine crackers. But its because of how we gain weight. I gain in the T&A region, and she gains in the torso. We’re both 5’3 and 115 lbs but our bodies look very different and we wear very different sizes. I’m usually a solid couple of sizes larger in pants, but she’s like a ruler, and I’m more hour-glassy.
I think these comments are harsh and not necessarily true. Having 6-pack abs does not always equate to an eating disorder, eating very little food, or spending hours in the gym. The real answer is a combination of genetics and very low body fat. Reducing body fat is done through consistently eating in a caloric deficit and building the muscle to achieve a 6-pack is done through exercise, and heavy lifting in particular. The cost-benefit analysis of achieving this goal is a personal thing and will be harder for some people, but it’s doable.
I don’t actually think it is doable for every person. When I was a teenager, I had an (undiagnosed) eating disorder (basically would only eat 1 piece of fruit a day) when also working out like crazy every day over the summer (biking 20 miles a day, long runs, etc). I last over 50 lbs that summer and still had no definition in my abs. Maybe I would have had a 6-pack if it had some weight lifting, but I doubt it
+1 Worked out like crazy with a focus on core and abs, managed to make myself medically underweight, still no 6-pack. (Great thigh gap though! While we’re discussing characteristics of bodies that are better appreciated when they happen than set as #goals.)
The OP asked for feedback from women who had/have had six packs, though. For me and my body, the only way to get a six pack was to have an eating disorder. I know this because I did exactly the same sh*t for four years. When I pursued extremely restrictive, disordered eating, I had a six pack. The rest of the time, I didn’t, even though my abs were (and remain) flat and toned.
Of course other women can have six packs and not have eating disorders. But six packs are not, actually, a “doable” goal for everyone. That’s what we’re trying to get at, so the OP doesn’t 1) feel like a failure or 2) pursue unhealthy behaviors, in pursuit of a goal that may or may not actually be attainable, for reasons that may be outside of her control.
I have the v lines on a good day, and it gets fluffier the second I drink late at night, eat carbs, or some combination of both.
I have been working with a trainer over a year now on various ways to activate the whole body’s muscles. I had taught myself to weight lift, but he basically spent six months unteaching my bad habits before reteaching new ones, and I felt new muscles I didn’t think I had. I also grew up a cross country runner, and we came to discover that too much cardio on its own wasn’t good for me to develop abs/muscles. I would default to a long run or a lot of cardio when I was stressed out, and it wouldn’t make me look better or leaner. However, that’s me personally, and for some people more running is better.
One of the trainer’s cardinal rules was to eat no later than 4 hours before bed, which I can’t always follow as a attorney who sometimes doesn’t remember where she left her phone much less to make dinner by 6. I also used to think it was total baloney, but after following it for a while it works for me, personally.
For actual food, my tastes have changed such that I would happily eat marinated chicken in a big salad daily if someone prepped it for me, I just don’t find the time to always prep in between trying to socialize, commuting, and working out. However, the weeks I eat the most on point are the weeks my abs look the best.
Be a 12-year-old competitive gymnast who trains 16 hours a week.
Honestly… SculpSure treatments. I’ve had 3 and that layer of fat is gone.
Marathon runner – 65 miles per week. Plus glutes / core work 3x week to stem off injury – Beachbody 80-day Obsession does some really great glute/core workouts. 39yo, single mom, full-time engineer. Not simply genetics – I work hard. My routine won’t be for everyone, but man it really helps channel my typeA energy into something constructive. Basically for me ab definition comes in when I cut out sugar. I eat a ton of clean calories, but that sugar goes right to the belly.
Genetics. I do nothing outside of ordinary barre classes for my abs, and while I don’t have a totally ripped / muscles bulging six pack, I do have what most people would consider a six pack. Even came back almost immediately after having a baby…. No thanks to my diet or exercise.
Genetics first and foremost. I have a 6-pack, and sometimes have an 8-pack depending on the day. I work out – run, swim, cycle, weight training – but nothing extreme. I eat healthy for the most part, but don’t eat a special diet and eat plenty of bacon and ice cream and onion rings and the like. I had a 6-pack since I was a little girl (<5 y/o), and my whole family on both sides is built similarly-small framed but tall, lightly muscled with not a lot of subcutaneous fat.
Does anyone have suggestions for a longline black blazer to wear in the summer with jeans to a casual office? I need layers due to AC. I like the Treasure & Bond one at Nordstrom but it’s only available in one size right now. Thanks!
This is a more casual knit than what you have listed but I see lots of people in my casual office with this exact one: https://www.jcrew.com/p/shops/40offselectstyles/sweaters/openfront-sweaterblazer/G7746?color_name=black
aritzia has some nice long blazers out right now
Small Firm IP Litigator
I have a great one from Bailey 44.
Has anyone gone to a Nordstrom Trunk Club in-person location? What was the experience like, especially if you are plus or cusp-size?
I went to Trunk Club in person (in DC). My stylist was very nice but she was limited to 15 (or maybe 20) pieces to pull from Nordstrom so I found it very limiting. Since the location is not actually at Nordstrom, if your stylist doesn’t have the right size, you are stuck making another appointment another day. I have had much better luck booking a Nordstrom stylist directly, because they have the entire inventory at the store to select from. With that said, the Trunk Club stylist did not pressure me to buy anything and the DC store is ideally located and beautiful.
Yes, and it was awesome. Got champagne at the bar while waiting to meet my stylist, who took me to a beautiful dressing area (private dressing room with a cozy seating area outside of it, mirrors both in and out) with a rack of clothes just for me. Out of the rack she pulled I liked 2/3, loved half, purchased 1/4. Have done it three times and have had a great experience every time. Also love that they have a tailor in-house so can get things taken in right there, then they ship to you.
Wardrobe Oxygen Review of Trunk Clubhouse
The blog Wardrobe Oxygen has a review of the Trunk Clubhouse experience for those who are “cusp-size.” I believe Alli the blogger is between a size 12 and a size 14. She is also petite, but her reviews give information about sizing for everyone.
I need help finding a bridesmaid dress for an outdoor wedding in September. The bride wants navy, but is flexible about all other criteria. The other bridesmaid and I are both plus-size ish (I’m a 10-12, she’s a 14-16) and would like something comfortable and not too formfitting. I’d also prefer not from David’s Bridal. Any ideas?
I haven’t personally tried these, but they look awesome! https://shop.brideside.com/collections/aura-by-brideside-collection/navy
Omg, 10-12 is now considered plus size? No.
OP here and I thought 12 was considered plus size? I wasn’t trying to be offensive to anyone. Honestly, with so much inconsistency between brands and vanity sizing, it’s hard to know my true size anyway. I just wanted to convey that we’re both on the curvier side.
So you just need to buy a navy dress? Long? Short? Fabric preferences? Price? Are you two supposed to be wearing the same dress?
Nordstrom, 100%. They have LOADs of bridesmaid/wedding guest styles right now. You didn’t say how formal you were looking for, but these all look nice to me if you’re erring on the more formal side.
I’d search through the ‘wedding guest’ options if you wanted shorter.
Outdoor to me reads casual. Boden has a nice navy eyelet dress right now (others do, too). I think it would be lovely for the right outdoor September wedding. It’s like the opposite of David’s Bridal.
I know people will recommend BHLDN. Dessy has some really pretty choices. I’ve seen their dresses in salons here, so maybe you could find an actual place to look at them.
Also September outdoor wedding, we are using Azazie — they do sample dresses they’ll mail you for to try on for size, and if you’re between sizes can do custom sizing for free. And they have over 100 styles so hopefully you can find something you’re comfortable in!
Show Me Your Mumu is great for this! They have 13 styles to choose from in Navy with 3 coming in plus sizes. BHLDN also has a lovely variety of navy bridesmaid dresses. Also Nordstrom carries several bridesmaid lines on their website now with significantly faster shipping times than ordering through a shop.
If the bride doesn’t care, just go to a Nordstrom or Macy’s or whatever and get a regular navy cocktail dress. Much nicer than typical bridesmaid’s dresses.
If you need to all be in a similar style, or in a true bridesmaids dress- I’ve had great experience with Azazie.
If you’re allowed to wear truly whatever you want (a navy dress that isnt technically a bridesmaids dress) then what do you really like? Long or short, flowy or fitted, necklines, sleeves?
My bridesmaids did Azazie and one of them chose them again for her wedding this summer. We were very happy with them. Incidentally, I’ve also been looking for a navy dress for an upcoming event. Rent the Runway has several really cute ones. Dress the Population at Nordstrom also has some nice options. And Eliza J has some navy lace dresses that are really cute. I ordered the “Plunging Neckline Dress from Nicholas” from RTR, (but I just bought it on ebay for $30) so that’s my final pick.
I would try Show Me Your Mumu– they have their own website as well as being sold on Nordstrom. They have several style, are sized s-xl and a bit flowier than traditional dresses.
Honestly, I’d just go to Nordstrom and get something you’d actually wear again. Maybe talk to the other bridesmaid first about long vs. short. Azazie seems to be really popular, but as someone with an hourglass-y figure, I had an absolutely terrible time finding something that worked (and they’re really too cheaply made to do extensive alterations, and their “custom made” option doesn’t take enough measurements for it to really work on someone with my shape).
Anon at 9:47
And I’m apparently the only person who had a terrible experience with Azazie! So, ymmv.
Just so you’re not alone, I didn’t like the Azazie dress I got for a wedding a few years ago. My build is pretty straight up and down, and I wear a size that is abundantly available and not difficult to fit into clothes off the rack. I have a small ribcage and the bodice was SUPER tight–but the bust was huge. I was too cheap to get it altered since I could (barely) squeeze into it, and just wore a heavily-padded bra with a sock stuck in each cup (#classy). The material felt cheap. I did not like it.
Another dress was so stiff around the neckline that it left a visible mark on the BM’s chest, and she had to put a bandaid on it at the reception before it started bleeding.
I’d check out brands Adrianna Pappel, Tadashi Shoji, Eliza J, etc. They’re big, popular names for a reason – good cuts, semi affordable, styles you can wear a normal bra with, big size range.
I’d throw in Lauren Ralph Lauren (the green tags). They tend to have lots of options, are available at most department stores, are machine washable and totally rewearable.
Thanks all for the responses so far. We were thinking of maybe long dresses in a jersey fabric (since it is outdoor/more casual), but we’re open to anything, really – just no mermaid cuts or anything super clingy. We’re aiming for matching, but it’s not strict. I think matching looks better when there are only two bridesmaids, but the bride says she can go either way.
Depending on your location and if budget allows, but I’ve had spectacularly great experiences with brideside. They have consultants who will help every bridsmaid find an appropriate style across their huge selection, but they consultant makes sure it’s a cohesive “look” across the bridal party. For my wedding, it was important (to my mother) that all the dresses came from the same dye lot, so the consultant made sure we ordered at the appropriate time. I also subsidized part of the dresses and didnt want my bridesamids to know that – and the consultant helped me make that happen, and they were none the wiser. I can’t recommend them enough.
Also – I have worn the alfred sung d678 in a wedding and it was the softest most comfortable material- it was like wearing pajamas, but looked very formal and fancy, not cheap. I’d wear anything in that line!
Remarkable Comet op-ed in the NYT today: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/05/01/opinion/william-barr-testimony.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share
I think Trump is skating closer to impeachment if he holds Congress in contempt. As Warren, my top choice for president, said, there’s no political inconvenience exception to the duty to impeach.
Birthday Gift Ideas?
What are some of the favorite birthday gifts you’ve received? Or something you’d like to receive? I’m looking for birthday gift ideas in the $100-$200 range and am curious (even if the answers don’t fall within that price point!)
As someone who drinks a lot of coffee/espresso, my favorite gift is a Breville espresso maker. More than $200, but worth every penny!
My husband got me some Tile keychains etc. and I love them!
Random: It’s my birthday today and my husband build me a peace pole for our garden. The message on mine is etched, but here’s the link to the project: https://peacepoleproject.org/peacepoleproject.html
I come from a birth family that is certainly peculiar (very southern, lots of men are mechanical tinkerers in a way that could be a bit Aspy), but doesn’t have what I think of as social anxiety issues. My husband and his family tend to be very anxious (some diagnosed, some not), including social anxiety, and many men have ADD (diagnosed inattentive sort, not adHd, which may be more typical). Those with social anxiety that act in ways that to me borders on agoraphobic tendencies (never going out b/c of what people might think about you), but claim they are “just introverts.”
One of my daughters has had an ADD diagnosis but I agree that she’s got some Aspy tendencies (milder than all of what the screenings track for) and that’s been confirmed. Husband is very reluctant to tag her with the Aspy label fearing that 1) Aspies are generally jerks (I feel that this is a big misconception on his part) and 2) people at school will discriminate against her (if not officially, then they will not want her in things or not offer her various opportunities that are extras or depend on teacher nominations or discretion; there may be some there there, so to speak). I don’t disagree with the diagnosis or his concern that labels can be very detrimental when used the wrong way. H and especially SILs insist that she is just an introvert (like them).
What is confusing to me is that are Aspy traits at all related to social anxiety or being an introvert? I feel that being Aspy can make you anxious in social settings b/c you may miss cues or say the wrong thing, but it isn’t itself “having axiety.” And while some introverts may be socially overwhelmed (say 5 evening work events in 5 days), it isn’t related to being Aspy or not (at any rate, daughter seems to be a moderate extrovert; she is not shy but does really want to be invited to join in if she feels that she is in a room where everyone is BFFs with each other and she is intruding b/c she is aware that she is not BFFs with these people). Or maybe everything is one big giant continuum?
Help! I have no background in psychiatry and Aspy books (by Attwood) are on order from Amazon but not here yet; reading time will not be until the weekend.
You’ve got an odd interest in giving your daughter a label that a) is no longer used by professionals and b) her doctor has not diagnosed her with. I don’t understand the point of this obsession. She doesn’t need a label; you need to stop labeling everyone you come in contact with; and recognize that as her parent it’s your job to focus on her abilities and challenges and support those, not decide on a psychological diagnosis.
You’re being weird and Aspy is not an appropriate term.
Introvert whose family insisted on sticking mean labels on her, when the labels were far more damaging than the introversion and shyness.
Super late (crazy day at work) but THANK YOU. “Aspy” is not a thing and OP, your fixation on labeling your daughter (who sounds pretty normal, if somewhat shy) is beyond weird. She needs a mom who supports her, not to be labeled with a medical condition that no professional has diagnosed her with. And being good at engineering or “mechanical tinkering” does not make you autistic or “Aspy”!!! You’ve alluded to this in so many times in this and previous posts. The Big Bang Theory is a fictional TV show, not real life.
The parents of autistic children that I know strongly agree that “if you know 1 child with autism…. you know 1 child with autism.” The point being that the symptoms manifest differently in every person. So, even these broader diagnosises of anxiety, or Autism/Asperger’s or whatever… might not apply to your daughter. Parent your daughter. Focus on her as a whole person, including these different aspects of her personality and background and yes, medical history. Don’t just try to put her into the diagnosis box (I don’t think that’s nec. what you’re doing here, and I think your instincts to learn more are natural and a good idea, I just urge you to constantly evaluate suggestions and guidelines for what is truly best in your situation, knowing your daughter.)
That said… I don’t much about Autism/Asperger’s as a parent. I know “Asperger’s” used to be a preferred diagnosis but is no longer an official diagnosis – the term now is “high-functioning Autism”.
Yesterday I suggested the book: Loving Someone with Anxiety: Understanding and Helping Your Partner
Book by Kate N. Thieda. Obviously it is for SO but it might be helpful as a parent, too.
Would strongly suggest joining a local support group (even via Facebook) for Parents of Autistic Children. Your school guidance counselor or doctors may be able to help in this regard.
So if she’s been evaluate for autism and she hasn’t been diagnosed, she doesn’t have Asperger’s, right? Don’t tag her with a medical diagnosis that she doesn’t have, unless I misunderstood and she does have it.
I have NVLD, ADHD, and a spectrum disorder. Unfortunately my parents were concerned about labels, so I was only properly evaluated as an adult. I don’t recommend this. There are many interventions that are more effective and more easily accessed as a child, and honestly the stakes are lower then too. Women are ultimately held to a higher standard than men when it comes to social norms and conformity, and we can only play the ingenue card for so long.
You need to know that Aspergers is no longer a thing that anyone can be evaluated for. Girls with undiagnosed ASD are at risk for counterproductive psychiatric misdiagnoses (including borderline personality disorder and anxiety disorders). For example, it’s not great to do CBT for “anxiety” that is actually an unidentified sensory processing issue. A therapist who thinks a patient with ASD has BPD will interpret social cluelessness as highly deliberate manipulation (though usually they catch on eventually).
Until a neuropsychologist evaluates your daughter, I think you are putting the cart ahead of the horse. I would look at the neuropsychologist’s evaluation as just information–more information for you to work with.
Also…. you don’t say how old your daughter is. Please, talk to her pediatrician and school guidance counselor about an IEP and 504 plans for your daughter and what the pluses and minuses are. Talk to parents who have diagnosed children in your school district and school and find out what is good and what is bad. If your daughter has a disability – which is what autism is, because it is outside the bounds of “normal” – the public schools are required by law to assist her. Find out more. There are literally people whose jobs it is to assist and inform parents like you. I don’t know if this actually helps; it is meant to be empowering. Early intervention helps. Good luck.
Thanks — she is 9, almost 10. At this age, the kids are going from sweet kids to tweens, a couple of which have been horribly mean this year.
She had an ADD diagnosis early on (I agree with this) but we were seeing some things and merely medicating didn’t help. Our pediatrics practice imploded and we’re restarting the evaluations over the past year but I think with some people who are able be helpful and have the right skillset.
I think people don’t think twice when you say she’s a spacey girl with not the best attention span (who is, really?). But the minute you say Asperger’s or Autism, no one will want their kid to play at your house b/c they stereotypes are just bad.
Why would you just go around telling people your kid has autism, especially if it hasn’t been diagnosed? A diagnosis is a tool to get your child the services and interventions she needs to maximize her functioning. It is not a “label” that you should be throwing around lightly in public, using to excuse poor behavior, or pigeonholing her with.
I agree with Anon at 1:19. “At this age”… my son is 10. He has some social anxiety, yes. But at this age I can no longer force playdates. He is still learning though… ask me about the time he ignored his friend at our house, to watch NFL, which the friend hates, or the times I’ve found my son curled up on the couch upstairs watching YouTube on a laptop, with the friend still playing in the basement! Um, these are teachable moments, not excuses. Good friendship and social skills must be taught for everyone. Yes, if someone is behind in catching up with social cues, they may have special needs, but let the kids – yes, even girls – figure this out themselves. She will find the right friends, I promise. If there’s bullying or whatever, (I don’t mean to dismiss it, but “bullying” is specific, targeted, repeated behavior) then yes talk to the teachers or the school guidance counselors. No reason to bring it up to other parents or to your child’s friends.
Haven’t you posted about this a million times over the past few years? You can’t diagnose her with autism spectrum disorder yourself. If she has been evaluated and was not diagnosed, that’s the end of it, unless you want to get a second opinion.
This sounds more like a mom problem than a child problem. Is she reasonably happy and successful in school/life? If so, don’t tell her there’s something wrong with her because she is not acting or feeling exactly the way you think she should act or feel. If she is unhappy, ask her ADHD clinician for suggestions, such as a social skills group.
I get that Asperger’s doesn’t exist now officially and I wish it still did. My ASD parent friends have kids that really can’t function at all and their lives (and other siblings) are severely affected by it. Some can’t attend their church of choice with their family b/c of a kid’s need to melt down when they melt down (one church in our city has a sensory room and they all go there). TL;DR: these people are lovely, but my kid’s struggles are nothing to them. And they’re not wrong; they deal with a lot. My child gets picked on by other girls (never boys), can’t maintain eye contact, and has a few odd behaviors, but is sincere, sweet, and never lies (so really isn’t programmed to be manipulative). She is lonely and she is sad sometimes.
So she has been evaluated and what I am told is that even though Asperger’s doesn’t officially exist, that is what I need to read up on and understand b/c that is what she has.
I think that the Aspy label is to be preferred over Autism b/c it is much more specific re the symptoms (my kid is verbal, goes to regular school, etc.). But it is still a label (and switching it to “introvert” distorts how she experiences her world and is unfair to her).
Our school system literally does not care one bit about kids like her. If a parent is suing or something gets a school on the 11:00 news, they may act. But I think with mental health, if it’s free, it’s not great. I feel like when I seek out professions they are at least on our side and not trying to ration care and resources. And if your kid gets As and Bs in mainstream classes, they are actually doing better than at least 75% of the kids in our city so why give them any additional resouces?
Based on what you’ve shared, I would recommend that you get a second opinion from a neuropsychologist who specializes in how ASD presents in girls. Aspergers has been folded into ASD because there wasn’t enough evidence for maintaining the distinction (this is why the term “spectrum” is used; there’s no scientific basis for a clear-cut off or dividing line, despite different levels of function and disability). You mentioned your husband has some misconceptions (Aspergers people are jerks, etc.), but it sounds like you have some misconceptions too, which is understandable but also makes me think that maybe you need a second opinion.
Schools were designed from the bottom up for the middle of the bell curve; that’s why they think of inclusivity in terms of special needs and accommodations. That’s just how it is to some degree.
Can I ask sincerely if you have considered being evaluated yourself?
Stop saying “Aspy”
Never too many shoes...
OP, I say this gently, but I am still confused. Does your daughter have an ASD diagnosis or not? It is not clear from your posts. Because if she does not, then she does not have (what used to be called) Asperger’s. The autism spectrum is large and covers both ends, from kids like those of your friends to the milder end. You can be verbal, go to regular school and still have ASD. But it sounds like your daughter does not.
I appreciate wanted to be able to neatly label a child’s issues and seek help on that basis (I have a son with ASD so this is not a hypothetical for me), but that is not how it works in real life.
I know there are some evaluators who have been wringing their hands over how the DSM change means they cannot diagnose Asperger’s anymore, but who won’t diagnose ASD instead (especially in girls). So my interpretation was that somebody said “it’s Asperger’s, but we can’t Dx that anymore.”
(They are wrong and are essentially resisting this change, but they are out there.)
Never too many shoes...
Then the OP should definitely get a second opinion. A diagnosis, as noted below, opens up a lot of doors for treatment and intervention.
If you don’t think your public school is good for your daughter, then now RIGHT NOW is the time to look into special private programs for her, whether camps, private schools, after-school programs, etc. Many may offer financial aid. Most will require a diagnosis, an IEP and a 504 plan. My city is large and rich and there are many such programs; that may not be your experience. But you will likely need a diagnosis in order to get her the help you think she needs. Right now, to me, as the parent of a 10-year-old boy, from what you just told me, if I saw a group of kids your daughter’s age (say, a school program or girl scout troop) your daughter would fit right in. Most kids at this age are not great with eye contact. They’re all still learning about social skills (see my previous posts). If you think she needs above-and-beyond in your area, get on your local parent boards and find that. Good luck!
There is a huge difference between introversion, shyness and autism. Introverts recharge on alone time, but can still enjoy a good party. Shy people are nervous or timid around others. Shy people can appear introverted because they avoid social situations, as introverts do at times, but the motivations are totally different. And both introverts and shy people can read social cues.
Anyone up for some vicarious shopping (or at least pointing me in the right direction?)
I’m looking for bodysuits for work. I bought on that was on clearance from gap factory a while back, and it’s my absolute favorite thing to wear under a suit. However, I’m having trouble figuring out where to look for them (gap and banana don’t have any right now.) Ideally I’m looking for short or three-quarter sleeves, to keep deodorant off my blazers. I’m leaning away from button downs with built in undies (sorry to our resident fetish troll) and more towards things that look like a slightly fancy tee shirt. I’m trying to stay away from ballet backs so I can actually take my jacket off some of the time.
J Crew Factory has a cap sleeve one right now. I’ve been considering it to wear with skirts but haven’t pulled the trigger so can’t attest to quality or fit or anything.
I think regular J Crew has some sleeved ones too.
Try American Apparel, Aritzia, and I think I saw some ones recently at BCBG.
Does anyone ever get tired of the sheer amount of effort that goes into being relatively polished? I feel like I’m always hunting for something for my closet. I am searching for a new foundation and have wasted so much time, not to mention money, doing so. Just spend another $30 on a primer meant to go under said foundation. Tomorrow I’m taking vacation time just to get a haircut and color. Most of the time it doesn’t bug me at all, but sometimes I just want to scream MAKE IT STOP!
Yeah, I suppose you can make the argument that all this stuff is optional, but I also know that I look and feel better when I put in the effort, so it feels like a no-win situation. Then I start cursing my genetics for the rosacea that means I’ll never have flawless skin, plus the fact that I’ve gone gray quickly and prematurely, and start feeling really bummed about my looks.
OK, enough with the pity party. Sometimes beauty standards suck, that’s all. On one hand, I’m glad we have choices and products for the things that bug us, but sheesh, I’ve strayed pretty far from the low-maintenance person I used to be. (I’m in my late thirties, for whatever it’s worth.)
I follow grombre on insta. So many pretty grays there. I have yearned just to bleach my hair to platinum (my grandfather and uncle had bright white gray hair). Is that an option perhaps?
No I don’t. I can’t fathom taking vacation for a hair cut. That is what weekends are for. If you can’t find an acceptable foundation you can use and just move on with your life until it runs out in one trip to Sephora, I really think it’s time to re-examine your standards.
Believe me, I hate doing this. My stylist has stopped taking appointments after 3 p.m. and on weekends, so this is what I’ve chosen to do. Fully aware that it’s kind of ridiculous, though.
Then find a new stylist. That’s insane. Unless you are a tv newsreader, your needs are not so important or complicated you can’t find someone else. Or accept that you are choosing for no reason to make your life hard.
It’s not insane. People get to live their lives like they want to, and even occasionally vent on the internet about it. It’s not affecting your own life in any way, so why don’t you calm down a little bit?
Then I would only book haircuts for times I’m actually on vacation (Christmas, summer) then take time off for a haircut.
Or change stylists? I hear you on it being hard, but I have never once taken a vacation day for a haircut. I chose my stylist in large part because he stays until 9pm on Thursdays (he’s also great, but the scheduling thing is how it started).
I agree with the OP on this one–it does take a lot of time to look good, and all of the upkeep is starting to wear on me. (Just FYI, i too have used a vacation day for a hair appointment.) I don’t think it is insane at all. I have a hairdresser that i like, who is affordable for me, but sometimes i have to work around her schedule. as for researching foundation, i totally get it. you want to find the most effective product that will give you the biggest lift to your appearance. it is exhausting!
I get highlights and a haircut when I get my hair done. I have a lot of hair and get very subtle highlights, so it takes about 2.5 – 3 hours to get it all done. I don’t go often, maybe every 10 weeks or so, but if I want a Saturday appointment (they’re not open Sunday) I have to plan months out. Weekdays are tricky because the place won’t stay open late. So I, too, have taken a couple of vacation hours on a Friday afternoon to get my hair done. To be fair, I’m a fed and have a ton of vacation time.
I really, really like my stylist. She is a wizard with color. Plus I don’t really feel like trying to find a new person.
Yes! It takes a lot of time and money to look effortlessly polished.
The original Scarlett
Yeah, those things are a hassle. I’ve found relief lately in streamlining. I have a uniform for work (see above, jeans, silk or silk like blouse, cute shoes), jewelry is the same daily, handbag the same, hair and makeup are streamlined and I’ve started just going with less steps for everything (pop of bright lipstick if I’m feeling like jazzing things up). The uniform concept has really helped me – but it’s not a capsule or Kondo thing, more of a framework to stop the hunting.
This is what I do. My makeup routine is very easy: blush, mascara, highlighter, lipstick. (I’m in my late 30s but have good skin.) My clothes are nice and work together so that they look polished. I grab a necklace and earrings in the morning. Done.
But if you have naturally good skin, you’ve already won most of the battle, IMO. I’m sorry, I know you’re trying to help, but it’s sort of salt in the wound for people who have to work much harder just to achieve a baseline level of presentable. And yes, I’ve been seeing dermatologists since college — this is probably as good as it gets.
Dermatologists seem to be useless for rosacea. I realize it’s not medically priority #1, but I’m standing here ready to pay $$$$ if someone would come up with something that worked.
Yes, these things are a hassle, but for me, the payoff in self-confidence is huge.
This is why I don’t get mani/pedis or facials and I have a low-maintenance hair style and pluck my eyebrows myself. I don’t want or need more appointments in my life. Particularly not for things that I don’t enjoy and don’t care about.
You can opt out. I did and I still feel fine (and I also have rosacea). The trick is to make it normal – instead of taking one day off from doing makeup, feeling awkward, and then throwing in the towel the next day, stick with it for a month. You’ll grow to like how you look without makeup to the point where it will look weird to wear it again.
FWIW, neither my career, marriage, or personal life suffered in any way since I stopped all things makeup. In fact, everything is better than ever. Self-confidence goes way farther than foundation.
+1. Reset and make your regular face the new normal, instead of considering the made-up face to be normal.
As a counter, I’m considered very polished (at least at work) and I don’t feel like I spend a ton of time. Couple of things I have done that have helped:
– I don’t buy much fast fashion anymore. I buy higher quality items and do my best to take care of them. In the last year, I haven’t bought much clothing because I pretty much have what I need (I’m 40 and it definitely took me well over a decade to get to this point). I have classic dresses from 10 years ago which I wear regularly.
– I’m not hairy so I only get my brows done twice a year and don’t shave that often. Clearly that’s my luck but you can do laser/electrolysis so you don’t have to deal with these things.
– I can do my makeup in 2 minutes, maybe less. I have completely stopped figuring out how to contour, do my eyes a special way, etc. I just stick to a basic routine (sunscreen, powder foundation, blush, lipstick, color in brows). Done.
– Finally, I often post here for suggestions on specific things like foundation so that I don’t have to waste hours doing my own research. :) This community is an amazing resource.
Just on the foundation front – try Dr Jart premium bb if you haven’t already. From a fellow Rosacean
You need a color corrector for rosacea and to get over having poreless textureless skin – that’s for instagram not real life. Color corrector + a matching foundation that doesn’t break you out is not that hard – you’re doing too much. No one will notice your skin is a little bumpy or has visible pores if the coloring is corrected. Do you really want the sort of foundation that is basically spackle to cover any skin imperfections?
I don’t have rosacea but I had gnarly hormonal breakouts up until a couple years ago. Having a skin condition can do a number on your overall self-image for sure and it sucks to feel like you have to do so much work just to get to baseline. My acne is mostly gone, but I’ve definitely had to reframe what my notion of “good” skin is. People have pores, they have scars and redness and bumps. We aren’t mannequins.
Also I’d find a new stylist and talk to them about making your haircare more streamlined. I’m 32, the grays are undeniable now, but getting them dyed is too much time and $$ for me.
I agree that the older I get, the more effort and time it takes to achieve polosh, and I’m not even a super polished person at the best of times. I leave my naturally Curley hair Curley, I do love wearing makeup, but it takes me about ten minutes, and I don’t have pedicures, except in summer.
But…things don’t read the same on 48 year old me, as they did on 28, or 38 year old me. I work in a casual workplace, so in the last five years the fight against appearing dowdy or shabby is real. Yesterday for example, I noticed that a cardigan that I thought was edgy and had shape was pilling and looking slightly faded/droopy— thank you to a sunny day for revealing this. Now, I have to replace items of clothing including a cardigan, and it’s not always easy to find something that looks good, and is good quality, etc. I posted a couple days ago about purging and kondoing my closet, and now it seems more items than I realized look tired and shabby which equals less polish. The emotional space searching and replacing things that will work with what I have, occupies my mind to the degree that I’m mentally going through my closet while I fall asleep and counting / making lists of all the stuff!
You said it much better than I did in the original post.
Thank you. I’ve been feeling this quite a bit lately. I live in a large city, and have access to so many options and stores— I’m walking distance from anthro, which I thought would tempt me to buy more, but actually, I can find very little. In reality, there is actually relatively little that works. Sali Hughes from the guardian uk wrote an interesting article about how had it is to find nice items to wear when you are over 40. I would link this but the poolmagazine where she also published this,just went defunct, so can’t find it now.
Yes, I am in a stage lately where I am re-examining where I spend my time and I am unhappy with the proportion of time that goes into wardrobe and hair. And I don’t do half of what lots of other women do. Some of this is vanity, for sure, but in my mid-50s, I feel like I have to show up for work looking put-together and as if I have a passing familiarity with stylish clothes. As women get older, there’s a risk of getting sidelined at work, which makes the hair appointments, etc., take on a new significance.
I could have written your comment myself. I agree completely.
First of all, I can relate. Second of all, you say you have rosacea and you went gray quickly and early. Sounds like estrogen dominance to me. You will have it to some extent at your age, but you need to make an effort to do things to optimize your estrogen and progesterone levels.
You’re right, this is hard, and people here just don’t get it. If you find something that works for rosacea, let me know. It looks exactly like you have a lot of acne and don’t do anything about it. Which makes you look lazy and dirty. This whole thread is depressing.
I have put the time and energy that I used on put into makeup into skincare instead. I recommend joining the rosacea subreddit. There are a lot of great suggestions, product reviews, and photos of success/failures to sift through. I would never have heard of horse paste without that group, and it’s done wonders for my ruddy cheeks.
I’m curious why you chose horse paste over Soolantra? Are you diluting it to approximate Soolantra’s concentration, or are you using it at full strength?
Yeah, I’ve heard all about that horse paste, but I am very leery about it.
Does anyone have multiple apartment units in different cities? Can you speak about your experience managing them?
I bought a studio when I was in DC, then moved to NY and bought a studio here. Now I’m moving to Palo Alto, where I definitely cannot afford to buy anything. My DC apartment has been rented out and managed by a third party. I’m thinking about doing the same for my NY apartment. Not sure if there’s any good argument for selling either unit since I bought both apartments within five years.
I’d maybe look to sell the DC apartment b/c if you lived in it as a primary residence 2/5 past years, you may have some gain rollover that you’d miss out on if you kept renting.
OTOH, if it is turn key and cash positive and not a lot of headache, maybe worth it to keep?
FWIW, I wouldn’t like to be a landlord in either jurisdiction b/c I watched Pacific Heights in law school and it freaked me out in how bad it can be if you get a psycho tenant. But you are cut from stronger cloth than me :)
If what you can charge in rent more than covers the carrying costs, I think there is an argument for keeping them. Then it is a matter of weighing how much you currently have invested in each place, what you could make in the stock market with that amount, how much you are “making” each month by paying down the mortgage with the rent money, and how much of work/worry the condos give you. I would also consider whether you would have enough to buy a place in Palo Alto if you sold the two units and whether you plan to be in CA long enough to make it worth it to buy there.
With regards to the five year statement, did you live in either unit for two years? You only get the tax break if you have lived in the unit for two of the last five years
Thanks! This is incredibly helpful. I lived for more than 2 years in the DC apartment but not yet for the NY apartment.
Might be looking for a unicorn but any recommendations for a flat with an almond/pointy/square (ie not round) for someone with narrow heels, a wide toe box, and that has a significant amount of arch support / heel padding or otherwise fits insoles? Cost is pretty irrelevant but
I notice the fancier the shoe the less support it has a lot of the time.
This isn’t a shoe that exists, and I’m curious why you’re so determined to find it.
What a weird response. Clearly lots of people have possibilities. I see nothing wrong with being determined to find comfortable shoes that fit you well.
Because shopping for shoes is easier than changing the shape of your foot.
That made me laugh :)
This is a very common foot shape in women, and the requirements are basically the same as what podiatrists recommend. Surely many women are looking for a shoe that fits their foot shape, follows their doctor’s advice, and is reasonably current in style?
I’m wearing a pair right now that are from Paul Green – several years old but it’s a brand that might work for you. I have fan-shaped feet.
I have similar feet and also like Paul Green.
Have you checked out the …Me Too Amie flat? I also like their Kirkwood-dupe loafer.
I like my Seychelles Island flat. It has a decent bit of padding although not much arch support. It’s a little deeper than some of the other flats I have so you might be able to fit a thin insole in there.
Merona “Cadence” and Payless Fioni “Delaney” were my standbys. The mini-wedge is what provides some support. I’ve received many compliments. But they’re only available secondhand now, so I need new alternatives and will be following this thread with interest.
Try Corso Como Julia. I don’t have that specific style, but I have similar feet and have been really pleased with the arch support in my other Corso Como styles.
Ooh, I like those. Thanks for the recommendation!
I’m wearing Antonio Melani flats now that fit my narrow heel, wide toe box feet, and have a nice padded insole. I bought them for $59 on sale.
Same shape feet. I love Antonio Melani shoes too. There are some duds, but many have fantastic support and the heel is always snug. The leather is often very pliable but still supportive. Very much recommend.
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
I don’t know what’s in their current seasonal range but my feet fit this description and I find a lot at Clark’s that works for me.
I have your shape feet and put my Superfeet into Kate Spade flats and low block heels.
I like most Rieker shoes. The arch support is always great and the heel is always nice and snug. The width can vary. Different styles will be wider, but the ones with a square-ish toe usually work for me (same shape as you describe).
Lily for this
I’ve been an in-house counsel for a largish NP for about a year. The general counsel, who I’ve worked with for a number of years, nominated me to an “emerging leaders” program, which would involve training for future leadership roles. Very exciting.
I’m scheduled to have a formal interview for admission to the program – I’m supposed to bring my current resume, but any suggestions of how to prepare for this interview? I’m not really sure whether it’s competitive or more a formality, and I’m still generally trying to learn the ropes of my organization .
Could you ask your GC for a little more detail about the interview? Absent that, I would brainstorm 2-3 themes or talking points that you could use to answer most questions – things like long term goals, strengths or weaknesses, development opportunities, traits you admire in a leader, etc. That way you’ve prepared a few canned answers that you can slot in if any of the interviewer’s questions trip you up. Good luck!
Hive: any tips for first time buying in NYC? Looking at the queens/Brooklyn neighborhoods with easy(ish) commutes to midtown. Broker recommendations welcome too! Budget ~700k.
I can suggest a good broker if you’d like to email me at my burner: abd331333 at gmail
I’m starting a new job Monday (yay!)
My last workplace was very casual. Many people wore jeans every day and had lots of personal knick knacks in their offices. There was no actual employee handbook, no dress code (dress for the day you have), etc.
So two questions:
1. I have a slight obsession with a certain animal. My previous workspace featured fun stickers and stuffed animals as well as wedding pictures, and a couple fun custom posters of my dogs. Should I bring any of these personal items in my first day? If no, when would be appropriate?
2. What should I wear? The job is in marketing at a design firm. There is no established dress code, though I’d say it leans business casual / smart casual based on what I saw while interviewing. I was thinking black skinny trousers, black blouse with embroidered collar, and a hot pink blazer.
I would bring no or almost no personal items on the first day. Get a feel for the office vibe and then bring a few things in at a time.
Agree 100%. Unless you want to be known primarily as “the koala bear girl” or whatever, wait.
1- absolutely not! Bring nothing personal for your office on day one. Wait a month. See what’s normal.
2- that sounds like a great outfit, but for a first day I’d tone it down a little
Definitely wait for your first day to see what other people do. But tbh, I would not be the girl with animal stickers and stuffed animals. You’re not 5.
Yeah I would die laughing, but behind your back. Sorry! This is a workplace, not Sesame Street.
I have a stuffed animal in my office. It’s very small, and it’s from my wedding reception venue. (Imagine getting married in Atlantis and having a small stuffed dolphin with “Atlantis” on it.)
I do too. Mine is a stuffed police dog from a local PD.
I also laughed at it’s a workplace and not Sesame Street because I have a friend that actually works for Sesame Street.
Hmm… ok maybe this isnt a universal thing.
In my previous office (first job out of college so my POV is limited) nearly everyone had personal knick knacks and fun “stuff” in their office – posters, custom calendars, funny sayings, stuffed animals, etc. People would randomly gift each other fun stuff for their offices (post its, mugs, etc.)
I will likely bring in a wedding picture and a picture of my dogs and leave it at that.
It’s great that you’re gaining more professional experience out of college! It also means you need to appear more professional as you grow in you career, and that means no stuffed animals.
Agree. And BWE, that’s an unusually “stuff-y” workplace from my perspective. More common based on my 3 offices — a few plants and framed photos, introduced over time. Showing up on day 1 with a boxful of decor is too much too soon. On LITERAL day 1 I would bring nothing. During your first week, look around in others’ offices and act accordingly. I’d probably bring those two photos on day 3.
Nothing. On. Day. One.
+1 Wait a week.
I would bring in one or two small useful-ish things on the first day, such as a coffee mug and a small framed photo. If you bring absolutely nothing people will think you are a robot, and you will have no conversation-starters.
No, people will not think you’re a robot if you don’t show up with a framed picture on day one. That’s crazy.
The good news is that when you get to be 60 like me, you get to bring the stuffed animals to work again. (I swear I don’t know how it happened but now there’s a whole shelf of them…)
I work in marketing at a media company. Do not bring in anything personal for a bit–not only to give yourself the chance to familiarize with the office culture but also because it’s a new job and it may not work out either because you don’t like it or it isn’t a good fit. You do not want the embarrassment of loading up every single doo dad. I also think you need to be more selective. I work with a ton of quirky artist types–and even they only have a handful of personal items. What you are describing would look really out of place–like a teenage girl’s bedroom rather than a fun work space. I also would rethink the first day outfit. That sounds pretty loud. I’d wear a plain black dress or something. You want people to focus on you for their first impression and not be distracted by what you are wearing. (Instead of saying, oh, yeah–that new girl–she seems smart. You become, oh yeah–that girl in the bright pink blazer.)
Might be a gloomy health subject, so please pass on by if you don’t want the depressing topic on your Friday morning.
I posted a few weeks ago asking about burnout, and I really appreciate all the insightful perspectives. https://corporette.com/saffa-faux-wrap-top/#comment-3904487
Since the post, I’ve learned that another midlevel associate – who is barely 33 – is taking a few months off due to being diagnosed with cancer. Almost every high flying attorney who spent more than 10 years at the firm have had one serious health issue (cancer, strokes or near misses, and the like) or another.
Is this just my firm, or is this phenomenon common in most Biglaw firms? I feel like the writing is on the wall, and even though I mostly enjoy the work I do and the people work with, frankly, it makes me reluctant to pursue this path much longer, at least at the hours I’ve been working for the past 5 years (I know the more senior people in my team actually have it worse until maybe year 10) if it’s highly likely to nearly kill me.
No? I’ve been in biglaw for a decade and had no major illness in my immediate department, including among the elder statesmen partners. Atrributing cancer to biglaw is, uh, not the most rational position. Can stress exacerbate existing illness or vulnerability? Sure. Can it give people cancer? No. We had one death of a young associate in a different office about five years ago; it rocked the firm and caused a lot of angst about work-life, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But then when the dust settled, it turned out she had a chronic and undiagnosed condition that is rare and dangerous, and her death had nothing to do with her hours.
You sound like you are looking for a reason to leave. Which, if you are, fair enough. You are allowed to leave. Your life sounds like it may improve if you do, and I hope it does.
+1 to all of this.
A Big Law job is not going to give you cancer, but you also don’t have to wait until it gets that bad to leave.
Thank you, I may indeed be looking for reasons to leave… and admittedly a lot of the people drink a lot / pull all-nighters on a weekly basis /smoke / skip out on health checkups for years on end, which resulted in some dire consequences for some people when they found late-stage cancer.
It’s just that so many people (at least 10 that I know personally) have received a cancer diagnosis /been told they were about to have a stroke (the latter presumably because they’ve been overworking themselves) in the past few years, and some have left the firm as a result of it.
We actually have a class of about 12 people – all men, all about 10 years into the firm and doing very well career wise, all less than 40 years old – where all but 1 of them suffered from cancer/almost had strokes/had serious diseases. Although I realize there is no direct link between overwork and cancer, I think we have developed a premonition that their life of billing 3000+ hours every year (and drinking for many more) for years on end might well be related to such results.
Agreed; major health issues are probably rarer than average amongst my partners and associates, actually, because of wealth and access to great healthcare.
What I do see is a the kind of health issues that are common amongst people who work too much (and thus don’t have as much time for exercise/eating healthy) or work at stressful jobs: anxiety, high blood pressure, etc.
I think it’s a complex issue, and it’s hard to tease out what’s bad luck vs. unhealthy lifestyle. I don’t think we can ever know that about coworkers, TBH.
But, I want to warn you that it’s not just Big Law. I’m in a different industry altogether, and some of the people who work the longest hours are also the unhealthiest overall. Cancer and heart issues have been surprisingly common, and I suspect depression/anxiety is rampant — although nobody talks about it directly. I have noticed a pretty staggering trend of significant weight gain when people hit the executive level.
It’s hard to keep up with planning healthy meals, exercise, and stress management when you’re working all the time. (That said, I’d never go so far as to say that stress causes cancer!) For some, it’s just not a priority until bad things happen. And others have just had bad luck.
All this to say, you have to prioritize your health no matter where you work. Nobody’s going to do it for you or give you permission. And sometimes, even the best self-care in the world isn’t going to prevent you from crappy circumstances.
Agree that this isn’t just law. The partners and senior managers I worked with in public accounting were mostly overweight, extremely stressed, some were pretty obviously alcoholics. During my time there, one had cancer, one died suddenly of a massive heart attack. Almost all of them were divorced once or twice.
FWIW, alcohol causes several different types of cancer. I know law is a very hard drinking profession. A lot of high stress, long hours white collar industries are. It definitely does not help on the health front.
Agree with everyone else. Biglaw (ibanking; medicine; all the other long hr/high paid jobs) while crazy aren’t preventing you from seeing a dr. 1-2x/yr and keeping up with things, if that’s important to you. Sure it’s easy to say “I don’t have time,” but surely in EVERY profession there is a slow week here and there where you can take an hour or two and go do an annual exam. In NYC (and probably in most big cities), I feel like big health systems offer “executive physicals” where you literally go to one appointment that takes a few hours but they do everything there, including lab work etc. that comes back and is discussed before you leave. Biglaw gives you $$ options to where dropping $1000 on something like this if insurance won’t cover all of it is NBD. While it’s incredibly sad about your colleagues, you don’t REALLY know their history, risks etc. — worry about yourself and what you need to do for yourself.
I think it is really dependent on the firm. Some are more humane than others. I knew mine wasn’t very humane, but I thought I could handle it and it was worth it for the money. I had a huge health scare from severe overwork/sleep deprivation. I left biglaw largely because of it. When I left, their response was to offer me partnership, which I declined.
I found a new job at a small firm, and took some time off in between. Less than a half year later, I look at least 10 years younger than I did before, and feel just as good and energetic as when I was in my 20s. I thought my hair had thinned and gotten dull from aging, but it has grown back in and is actually shiny, the dark circles under my eyes have disappeared, my nails don’t break easily anymore, I no longer have any symptoms of the condition I mentioned, etc. I have tons of energy, and exercise 5-6 days a week and cook dinner most nights. I sleep 8-10 hours a night and don’t work nights and weekends, and have very little work related stress and am just happy.
I am sure people at big firms, even not so humane ones, can make time for a single doctor’s appointment in a year. But that I don’t think if your concern and in any event doesn’t make one healthy. Having a lifestyle filled with healthy habits like eating well, exercising, sleeping, seeing friends/family loved ones, having hobbies, etc. can. I don’t see too many big firm lawyers able to do that.
I’m going to play the black sheep here. I think culture + long hours might have something to do with it. There have been studies that found higher risk of cancer and heart attacks with depression. So it seems to me that bad mood, more than long hours, can lead to illness. People who work long hours in a collegial and non-dysfunctional setting probably are less likely to get sick than those who work long hours in firms with toxic/discriminatory cultures. Does your firm have a bad culture in addition to long hours? If so, there might be something to your theory about cause and effect between your firm and people getting sick.
Without trying to start a fight…do you put two spaces after periods, or one? Is it a habit/how you were taught, or based on a rule? I recently moved from a firm that had me switch to two spaces, to a firm where no one cares, and I’m deciding whether to switch back to one space. FWIW, I am a transactional lawyer, most of my margins are justified and no page limits.
Two spaces is from the days of the typewriter. Now that we live in the computer age, the standard is one space.
One. I believe two is a rule leftover from typewriters and Word will auto-add a second space if you tell it to, so there’s no reason to do any more even if two is required.
Two, but only because it’s habit. I do think one is the new standard, and I’d like to switch back but I prefer consistency (especially within a single document) and haven’t cared enough to change my forms *and* my habit. It’s a strong habit!
Two. Because that is what I grew up with and what looks right to me.
My firm doesn’t have a rule. But nothing drives me up the wall quite as much as an associate who won’t follow my preference on this.
Never too many shoes...
Two, both as a habit and because I prefer the space. One space looks crowded to me on the page.
Two. I’m old fashioned.
It depends on when you learned to type! Word processors in the last 20ish years automatically space things correctly so you only need one space. Two would be incorrect these days.
I agree with this but still prefer the look of two.
Two but then it autocorrects to one. It’s just so I can get the thing to put in a period without me typing one.
Ahahaha. I love that you had to preface this by saying you didn’t want to start a fight. Team One Space here! It’s how I was taught in the mid-90s.
Weird, I was taught 2 spaces in the mid-90s. It is so ingrained in me that I still do it. I also think this is a worthless argument and it doesn’t matter as long as the document is consistent.
I was taught in the mid-90s (middle school, 2000 HS grad) and was firmly taught two! I didn’t hear one until five or so years ago.
+1, but I literally did type up ‘fancy’ reports on an electric typewriter in 5th-9th grades before we got a (massive, clunky) home computer. I used to adore that thing though and felt *so* adult using it when I was younger.
I was also taught 2 spaces in the 90s by an out-of-touch old woman who didn’t believe in changing with the times. She learned 2 spaces on a typewriter, so by god so would we.
I was taught two spaces my sophomore year of HS, which would have been … 2002?
Let’s just hope no one asks about Oxford commas …
I put two spaces out of habit, because that’s what I was taught in typing class in 1985, using a manual typewriter with all the keys painted black so you had to touch type. If my firm said I had to use 1 space I would, but I just keep going with two and no-one seems to care.
My court requires 2 spaces after a period so that’s what I do.
I have gotten into heated arguments with out of state counsel about the 2-space rule. One even wanted to file a motion with the court seeking permission to submit documents with 1 space. And that was how I had my first, “Lol no I’m not doing that,” conversation with co-counsel.
I was taught two spaces when I learned to touch type in third grade in ~1995ish. I continued using two spaces all throughout college, law school and legal practice. When I switched to a non-legal field in 2016, everyone was horrified that I used two spaces. So now I use one. I think this is one of the things that lawyers tend to be a bit antiquated about.
For my whole life, I was a one-spacer. But the litigators at my firm prefer 2, and as I am a litigation associate, I use two.
One all the way. We have attorneys who still use two, but I prefer one. (FWIW I graduated high school in 2001 but did not take a formal typing class.)
One, because I’m not an ancient dinosaur.
The original Scarlett
Two, but largely because I rarely am creating something completely new & it’s too much of a pain to go back through all the old two spaced documents and make them one spaced (or to adjust when you copy/paste things). I learned two, my law firm did two, but in recent years one has become trendy.
You just find a replace “.[space][space]” with “.[space]” It’s actually pretty easy.
This is the first thing I do whenever I have to edit someone else’s writing.
The original Scarlett
That’s more time than I have.
Tip: you can find and replace spaces. So if you search for two spaces and replace with one, you can fix the whole doc. Obviously…. this does not work in reverse :)
You can also set you grammer/format check in Word to highlight 1 space as an error (or 2 spaces, depending on your side of the fence) – so that you get the red squiggly line if its wrong. It’s in the Advanced Options under File.
Two spaces for me personally because that’s how it was in the first law office I worked and it’s a deeply engrained habit now. No real preference for others as long as spacing is consistent throughout.
So I have been following the dating comments here recently and I think that some of the posters should read “Why You Are Not Married” on HuffPo. My friend sent me that years ago with the note, “She is not right, but she is not wrong either.” Maybe the wording is way too harsh for some people, but it worked for me. It shows up as one of the first hits if you g o o g l e it.
That is one of the most offensive things I’ve ever read. Shame on you for promoting it here.
+1. I didn’t even make it to the end. The author has apparently also had 3 terrible marriages, so why exactly is she an authority here? When you say it “worked for you,” what do you mean?
Honestly, even if all of it was true (it isn’t), I don’t think it’s fair that women would have to act like wives if they don’t have husbands. Marriage has sacrifices and benefits, and so does singledom. Why should anyone make all the sacrifices without enjoying any of the benefits?
Umm, what? I was pretty clear that it might not be for everyone (“maybe the wording is way to harsh for some people”). But the author’s message (spoiler alert!) is about loving and accepting yourself. Being honest with yourself. That is not offensive. I grant you that she uses a few words/stereotypes that many folks don’t like. At the end of the day, however, the post is about self-acceptance and that is not offensive.
Only ONE item was about self-acceptance! The majority of it was about changing yourself to be less intimidating to men, to cater to their wishes, and on and on. Gross.
So, if I accept myself and am happy with who I am, then I’ll be able to get married? That special someone will then get issued to me? This is on par with the “Just stop looking and he’ll appear” advice.
This is offensive because it assumes that women that are not having success in their dating life are doing something wrong – maybe they are and maybe they aren’t. But there’s nothing to say anyone asking for dating advice isn’t already loving and accepting of themselves.
And, ffs – does anyone require *men* in the dating pool to listen to this sort of advice?
… are you the author?
Is it Friday yet?
Yes, it is utterly heinous and misogynistic.
It’s kind of hilarious and ironic that the author herself is not currently married?
It seems her advice may result in marriage…but based on her track record it also has a 100% divorce rate.
I thought the piece was very tongue in cheek and she was making fun of herself as much as anyone. But YMMV I guess.
That is horrible. And I’m one to be pretty open-minded about things being harsh but helpful. That is rude, wrong, and terrible. In no way helpful and just terrible terrible terrible.
This sounds like a re-trade of The Rules from the late 90s. Great if you want a husband, any husband, but not (as evidenced by the author) guaranteed to land you a husband that you actually LIKE.
I’m sure if I wanted to, I could have been married by now. Probably 7 years ago. But I chose not to be with people who wouldn’t enhance my life. I really don’t want to be with someone who isn’t an equal partner in every way. Maybe I’m too judgmental or picky but that’s the choice I made.
it’s relatively easy to find someone to be with. It’s much harder to find someone who is a good fit with you and for what you want in your life. I think the bar should be higher and shame on anyone who tells women they are single because their standards are too high.
This right here. This woman obviously is choosing terrible partners (or is likely a terrible partner herself) if she’s been married three times by 40 with nary a dead husband in sight. Yes, anyone can be married if you will marry ANYONE. Women with any amount of self worth want to marry a compatible partner.
Basically, this woman is preaching on the goal of getting married and not the goal of a good marriage. I’m ashamed she’s a member of our gender.
I actually think this is worse than The Rules!
Listen, I’m married, and a lot of the single women on here are where I’d rather be.
Thanks, Ellen. The rest of us are going to JSFAMO
All of these comments make me simultaneously want to read *and* run away as fast as I can/not give it any more page views than it already has.
Oh, I have Opinions on this.
1. I tend to not take advice from people with three disastrously failed marriages, which happened at a wide variety of ages. If you didn’t learn after the first two that maybe there’s a problem with how you are selecting people or interacting with your spouse, your advice is going to be 100% about your own issues and 0% about mine.
2. Some people aren’t married because they haven’t found the right one yet. My husband and I took a LONG time to get married – first marriage for both of us in our mid/late 30s. It became clear once we met that there was a reason we hadn’t gotten married in our 20s – we hadn’t met each other then.
3. To that end, the only things you can do to help yourself get married are (a) be a marriageable person – nice, kind, ready for commitment, with your act together in life as much as possible, and (b) keep meeting people.
All the Advice
HI All. I’m having lunch with some community leaders today and need some good thoughts and any tips. For context, I moved to my current city about 2.5 years ago and have found it really hard to break into the community leader crowd. In my old city (which was much bigger), I was super involved and felt pretty connected. I moved to my current community 2.5 years ago and retained my attorney position with my old firm. So I generally work remote and haven’t met as many people as I’d like. I am finally establishing my network, but feel pressured to really bring my A game to this lunch. Any and all advice is welcome. Thanks!
I think that your answer is that you have only been living in your current city for 2.5 years. That just is not a very long time, especially in places like a smaller city. The locals and ppl who have been there for a long time (decades) are not going to be especially delighted that you have decided to become a community leader after 2.5 years. Maybe they will, I’m not omniscient.
Tips? Listen to what people have to say about your city. Ask follow-up questions. Be patient about breaking into this crowd. My guess is that it will rub people the wrong way if you rush things.
Definitely ask questions. Ask who their peer cities and competitor cities are. Ask about good organizations that give good training for “community leaders” either as volunteers or board leaders or what. Find out what their needs are and what they value and what their resources are like favorite news organizations that you should be following.
I agree that 2.5 years is not going to be seen as “enough” in many city spaces if you’re a newbie who doesn’t get out much. So say you’re lucky to work remotely, but ask – what should you be doing to get out there more? IME local politicians love to give advice, ugh
+1 You don’t just become a “community leader” because you want to be one. You need to, you know, actually care about your community and put in the work.
Yeah. Volunteer for something you care about and do a good job at it. Repeat. Do that a few times and boom! You’ll be a community leader!
Not the OP, but I was in many leadership roles in my large, East Coast city, and just moved to a smaller city in the Midwest. I was tapped for those roles back East because I put in a LOT of effort, then was asked to take on increasing roles and responsibilities. It’s hard to start over from scratch, and it’s hard when I know I can add a lot of value.
The OP isn’t a 22 year old, fresh out of college, in which your response would be appropriate. She already knows how to be a community leader, because she’s been one!
That’s all fine but you still need to be a little humble in the new place and the reality is you are starting over from scratch. If you’re great, believe me people will notice and you will rise quickly. But you do need to hang back a bit and scope out the culture.
I dunno, she sure doesn’t seem to know that the process is organic and involves a lot of work and commitment and actually caring about something more than status and isn’t a job you just apply for.
This. I’m part of a group and we hired a new member in our leadership committee. He had tons of great experience from another large organisation, which is great. But he also came in all guns blazing, and within a week he was telling us all the things we were doing wrong, most of which weren’t actually true (he just hadn’t figured out the system yet). And then he ghosted us after two months. I’m not saying you’re that person, but don’t be that person.
One again: the OP *has already been through this process before.* You can assume that she’s a moron and doesn’t understand how it works, or you can assume good intentions and not just pompously say that you assume good intentions.
Thanks, everyone! I definitely don’t think I phrased my question right but still found the responses helpful. The purpose of the lunch was to connect with an individual who could connect me to my first volunteer/possibly board experience, not necessarily expecting to become a respected leader overnight. I was really looking to make a good impression, however, and thought through some generic follow up and other questions in advance. I think it went well. Honestly, my personality is to be too quiet and so I think it is unlikely that I’d be accused of some of things mentioned above. Nonetheless, it was a good reminder that I am seeking help and I should act like it. Thanks!
I think you phrased the question just fine. You obviously know how to get there, but this is a different way of going about it than you did before.
Glad it went well, and let us know how things go!
Can anyone recommend a pen that will write easily and comfortably in small spaces (e.g., ruled Moleskine)? Bonus if the ink comes in pretty colors. I am currently using the PaperMate InkJoy gel 0.5 mm, but it doesn’t glide well on the page and the barrel is so skinny my hand cramps up immediately. I am trying to get in the habit of writing the morning pages from The Artist’s Way, but the act of writing longhand is so uncomfortable that I can’t stand it.
For gel ink, I like the Pilot Frixion pens. But for whatever reason, gel pens and I don’t get along very well. My handwriting prefers a ballpoint, haha.
Hmm, I’ve found Pilots to smear pretty easily, but maybe that’s ok (unless OP is lefthanded!).
I have a beautiful set of Sakura Pigma Micron 05’s for my bullet journal that write like a dream, but they might not solve your skinny barrel problem (unless your problem is that you are holding the pen too tightly in your efforts to get it to write, which was a problem for me for years!).
I have a Cross that I buy extra fine refills for, and it is a dream.
Holy grail pens
Staedtler Triplus Fineliners.
I love the PaperMate Flair.
I am a bit of a pen nut. I spend far too much money on the Jet Pens site. Small notebooks require a smaller nib, and it takes a bit of practice to get used to that type of pen. Your handwriting may change, since you don’t need as much room to keep letters “open” (like a cursive ‘e’ that looks like an ‘i’ with a thicker nib). The nibs are also sharper as they decrease in size, so your touch has to lighten to prevent scraping the paper open.
My current favorites:
Pilot Precise V5 RT in 0.5 mm (has a thicker barrel and a velvet-touch finish on the grip)
Pilot Hi-Tec-C in 0.4 mm or 0.25 mm (has a ribbed grip and excellent flow)
Pentel Slicci in 0.25 mm (has a strong nib and a ribbed plastic grip)
Uniball Signo Bit in 0.18 mm (has a combo velvet touch and ribbed plastic grip, so you can turn it to alter the feel)
I like Japanese brands — Jetstream 0.5 mm ballpoint pens come in somewhat varied colors and work well for me for writing in the margins and doesn’t give me hand cramps so much. If you can allow a little spacing out, Energel pens (they have 0.5mm tips, although they’ll come out a bit thicker than the Jetstream 0.5mm ones) solved the problem for me. I used them for writing 30+ page written responses for my handwritten law exams for years without suffering. But, I’ll mention that I find Japanese gel or even ballpoint pens better suited for writing Chinese/Japanese than roman alphabets, maybe something to do with them being designed for languages with more complicated and multiple strokes? For me they work fine when I’m printing in English but are not so glide-y if I’m trying to write in cursive. But then again, it could just be that I’m not so skilled at writing in cursives.
My favorite pen is the Uni-ball Signo UM-151 (or Signo DX) in 0.38mm, but will settle for the Pilot G-2 in 0.38mm if I’m out of refills.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Uni-ball Signo UM-151 in 0.38mm is all I ever use. It comes in dozens of colors.
Similar to 10:27 anon, for gel I like the Pilot G2 – they’re super cheap, glide well, and have a little cushion on the barrel. But I’ve pretty much entirely switched to the Sharpie fine point pens – it’s a felt tip pen, so doesn’t glide the way gels do, but I find it very easy on my hands when I’m writing for extended periods of time (which, in the age of typing is admittedly now like 5+ minutes).
Muji has great pens.
Pilot Precise V5 RT. Fine tip, writes perfectly and comes in cute designs.
Tul gel rectractable pens.
I need a pen that doesn’t come unscrewed/uncapped/come apart in my tote bag. Any suggestion for this? I also like a fine point. I like the G2 05 but I find these in pieces in my bag all the time.
If you’re open to fountain pens (which have LOTS of cute colored ink refill options), I would try the Kaweco Sport. It is tiny when capped (with a screw on cap so it won’t come off) and then you put the cap on the end to make the pen longer when you want to write.
I literally just came across this exact pen and put it in my cart earlier today. You have sold me!
+1!!!! This is my travel pen and I love it.
I have a firm retreat coming up in Arizona that’s going to have highs in the mid-90s. Attire is “casual, resort attire.” We are usually business casual and we have business meetings mixed up with group bonding activities, including some outside. I have lots of work clothes and my weekend/casual clothes are all jeans and t shirts and athleisure. I have shorts but don’t feel like wearing them in front of my mostly older, male partners.
So, would you wear jeans and a tshirt in my case? I have a pair of capris, but they are kind of fitted at the top and loose on the leg, so they look a little frumpy on me. Colored jeans are an option also, as are tank tops and sweater shells. What would you do?
Old Navy jersey swing dresses, unless the group bonding activities involve climbing around in a way that wouldn’t work with a dress.
Any links to something that would be appropriate? I do have an old navy nearby…
Search ON for “sleeveless jersey swing dress.” I have three and wear them all the time, even to work in my casual office. The slightly high-cut shoulder is flattering. You could throw a cardigan or short jacket over it.
Also need help with shoes. I can wear silver low profile sneakers (look like keds), brown leather wedge sandals or black leather flat sandals, or ballet flats. What would be appropriate for a work retreat?
Mid-90s is pretty hot for jeans outside. What about a casual skirt with teeshirts or tank tops?
Do you have any dresses that you would be comfortable wearing around the partners? Jeans in mid-90s temps would be really uncomfortable.
I was also thinking it seemed kind of underdressed for “casual, resort attire,” but then I figured that I would not think that of guys (although, again, that seems like hell in that heat so I bet must will wear khakis) so I withdraw that assessment.
I have not asked, but I think the guys are mostly going to be wearing polo shirts and khaki shorts and sneakers or boat shoes. Unfortunately I don’t have any casual dresses – my dresses are all sheaths or A-line, but in work fabrics. We live in a city that doesn’t get that warm and I personally run cold all the time so I have a lot of cardigans and blazers and tights. A bright colored v-neck plus light-beige pencil skirt? I also have the MM LaFleur Sadie top in chili flake that I guess I can dress down with a skirt.
I can wear a sort of female equivalent I guess of a t-shirt (or a woman’s golf shirt in a tech fabric) paired with a light beige colored pencil shirt. But what would I wear on my feet – brown sandals?
Pencil skirts are hot. Flowy, natural fabrics are popular in warm climates for a reason. (I do concede that a tech shirt would be a decent choice, though a bit…bland, maybe? Totally fine if it’s your style but not necessary to go that far towards menswear if you don’t want to.)
I would roast in jeans in Scottsdale (or similar) in June. Sure ‘its a dry heat’ like being in an oven is a dry heat. I’d go for dresses or skirts – the Lands End Ponte sheaths are built for this sort of thing. I would think any of the sandals or ballet flats would work – I found that at the conferences I’ve been to in Arizona the dress was quite a bit more casual and people tended to wear more color/sandals/informal flats than I was used to in Northeast business casual events.
I would bring a knit or soft jacket of some kind b/c the A/C in resort conference hotels in Arizona (JW Marriott) can leave me quite chilled if I am dressed for the outside. Layers are key.
Yeah, I’d wear causal skirts and dresses. Maybe some white non-denim pants with colorful tops for dinners. I think jeans and most shorts will be too dressed down. I think of resort casual as smart casual with a vacation vibe. I’d Google resort-wear to get a better idea or look at some fancier brands resort-wear for inspiration. Pinterest would be good for this, too.
I literally googled resort-wear and I’m seeing a lot of maxi dresses with a thigh-high slit, strapless dresses, swimwuit coverups, and lots of crazy prints on flowy fabrics. I didn’t mention that I am up for partner this year and this is not a boondoggle for me, but a chance to make a good impression on partners at our other offices, so I need to look put-together.
Think Golf Resort or Old People resort, not beachy singles resort. Not sure if that helps. Like, tennis dresses and golf-style dresses in bright colors would be good (or even black or white, I’m sure.)
Keep looking. There is plenty of resort wear that is probably less trendy but entirely appropriate for a work event. I think you’re going to need some new pieces to look appropriate and polished rather than like you pulled out the least-hot work clothes you have. I suggest JCr*w (especially their Factory line, which is a bit more basic, or the basics at the “real” JC), Madewell, maybe Anthro for a dress, G*p or Old Navy, etc. You’re looking for looser than you probably normally wear with more cotton and linen in lighter and brighter colors than you’re used to.
Yeah, I think of resort-wear as Lily Pulitzer dresses.
Look at Garnet Hill. They have expensive-looking, reasonably modest warm-weather dresses and separates.
I don’t think jeans and t-shirts are resort wear. And, I agree that you’ll roast in jeans! I think I’d go with capris, loose dresses, skirts for bottoms and woven shirts for tops. I also love the look of linen pants with tanks!
So, I naturally run cold year-round, so I don’t own any loose dresses or linen pants and I don’t know what you mean by woven shirts – like button down shirts? I used to have some appropriate capri pants but got rid of them when I did a closet purge… this is why people should not kondo- their wardrobes!!
Kale, you are ok. It is the 2nd of May. Your event is in June.
You have plenty of time. Think Polo-style shirts, like what the men will wear, in a summer texture. I know you said you live in a cold, cool place but think like Father’s Day shirts at department stores like Macy’s. Women’s department have similar styles and textures. You can go out and buy things or look online. We’re all trying to help you.
I think part of Kondo’s reasoning is that… we all live in a time and/or place where we can easily buy things we need, so why hoard? So it is ok that you got rid of stuff. You can buy what you really want and need.
Go to the resort’s website and look at their photos of guests, too, that might help.
Agree. What would you wear on the hottest day in your city for a casual weekend firm event? That’s your goal. Also agree with the above poster that you’ll want some warmer items (but in summer fabrics) for the indoor events.
Women should not wear polo shirts unless they are golfing or they really like polo shirts. Don’t try to dress like a man, unless that is your actual personal style. Resort wear for women = cotton and linen, light or bright colors, flowing silhouettes to keep cool.
I am extremely fair so I try to cover up, even when it’s hot. You can find outdoorsy-type tops at REI, Sierra Trading, D!ck’s, etc. They’re going to have buttons, be made of cotton, linen or a blend and will likely be in white and pastels. They’ll be lightweight and relaxed-looking (not like a starchy button-down).
You do have lots of time so you could order a bunch and try them on.
No, jeans will be way too hot. I’d get some conservatively cut sundresses that you could layer a cardigan over if ac is cold inside.
You’re overthinking this. It’s hot, wear summer dresses not jeans.
Yes, this actually sounds easy to me. There is a cute white denim shift at J Crew right now. I’d get that and similar. Leith has cute cheap summer dresses available at Nordstrom but these read pretty casual. If you’re willing to spend, I’d probably get a plainer Lily shift in navy instead of a pattern. Paul Green makes a great sandal bootie that would work with all manner of summer dresses.
I know the feeling of being like “WAIT i have no idea how to dress for this situation+weather combo.”
In your shoes, here’s what I’d buy to try on:
I like the length and the almost-sleeves, the coverage generally. I like that it looks like the fabric wouldn’t cling and hold heat.
Same idea here pretty much
This is going to be literally a t-shirt that is long, so it’s a dress. I’d wear skimmie type shorts under it.
I don’t think this will be as cool as the others, but it has a nice swooshy skirt. And short sleeves! This is something I might bring if I wanted some versatility. Throw a casual blazer on to dress it up a little for a meeting, or a necklace for dinner… but it wouldn’t be out of place sitting on the grass outside.
I’d bring the wedge sandals and the sneakers.
Here are some outfit ideas.
For the most casual thing, wear dress #3 or #4 with the sneakers (and skimmies). You could literally hike in it.
For an outdoor day where you want to be cute but not overdone, wear #1 or #2 with the sandals.
For an indoor thing where you want to be cute, try #2 or #3 with sandals and a cardigan.
Consider jeans and a jacket (LJ LJ LJ!) for nights, if it’ll get cold.
If you’re feeling like taking some little fashion risks, this would be cute over any tee: https://www.target.com/p/women-s-sleeveless-denim-pinafore-mini-dress-wild-fable-153-medium-wash/-/A-54223418?
IME, this is too causal for a firm retreat. They say it’s causal dress, but it isn’t really. But I still agree that these options would be a 100 times better than jeans.
The original Scarlett
This is exactly perfect for AZ. Basically exactly what I’m packing for a trip there shortly.
Dresses and shorts for coverage
Dresses with cotton bike shorts (no padding) underneath to avoid any issues if climbing around.
The Marshalls in my area has a ton of linen shift dresses right now, as well as linen pants and linen shirts. You could very easily just go buy 3-4 linen shift dresses and wear those. Add a cardigan or blazer if you’re inside and cold in a/c, wear sneakers or flats or sandals depending on activity.
Firm retreat, casual dress could mean conservative — maybe T by Talbots golf line. Talbots often arranges catalog pages of related casual separates that would be more than enough for a weekend. It would be good to know whether a collared-shirt rule is enforced.
Any tips for dealing with dark circles under your eyes while also dealing with “fine lines” in that area? Concealer often makes those fine lines stand out even more. What am I doing wrong here (apart from getting more sleep, which as a mom of a baby/toddler ain’t happening!!)? Thanks!
I also have that issue, and I’ve decided to just live with it. I have yet to find a concealer that didn’t make me look worse. (Especially in photos, my gosh.) If it covers the circles, it also manages to creep into the tiny lines that otherwise go undetected. I use a tiny bit of foundation in that area. It’s not a perfect solution, but it provides at least some coverage.
Try a more hydrating concealer and no (or very, very little) powder.
Bare Minerals Serum Concealer and Charlotte Tilbury Flawless Finish Powder have been my holy grails!
I have this issue as well, and am fairly young. Those fine lines aren’t gonna go away so I asked myself “do I want to look older, or older AND tired”. I chose, just older and not tired. I use Maybelline Age Rewind which is a medium coverage light weight formula designed not to settle into lines. It still does a bit, but not nearly as much as your average concealer. I apply by gently patting the concealer under my eye with the pads of my fingers, waiting about five minutes, then repatting flat any concealer that settled into the lines (which is usually minimal) – this usually works pretty well. Occasionally I’ll set with Laura Mercier setting powder but that’s not every day.
I use The Ordinary’s caffeine eye serum before I eat my breakfast. Then I tap a little moisturizer mixed with cream blush into my eye orbit with my ring finger. My dark circles are decidedly greenish, so YMV. But this works as well as anything else I’ve tried.
Kevyn Aucoin sensual skin concealer. A peach undertone is best for my undereye circles, but test out the options. It’s very pigmented so you can use a very thin layer (less likely to get in fine lines). You can use primer under it or a light layer of powder over if you want to. I don’t and just periodically gently pat my circles with my ring finger to pick up and excess.
I think a thin, sheer concealer that doesn’t completely cover the area but bounces light is more friendly to fine lines than a thick opaque concealer that completely obscures the dark color. I personally like Trish McEvoy Instant Eye Lift for this because the color is good on me, but i think this is the idea behind YSL Touché Eclat as well.
Same issues here. My dark circles are blue toned so I start with Urban Decay peach color correcting liquid concealer and then add a skin-tone concealer. I’m loving the Charlotte Tilbury Magic Away concealer. It creases less than anything I’ve ever tried, and I’m the person who has ordered 5 concealers at a time from Sephora.
Lancome Effacernes is the best concealer I’ve found. But still settles a little.
What would you do?
I am a mid-level associate in BigLaw. I’ve been with my firm (Firm A) throughout, and I’ve been pretty happy here – I generally like the work and the people. It’s not perfect – there are a few people who I don’t love working for, but I’ve had strong reviews every year. But, Firm A does not pay market compensation (significantly less, and it’s going to get worse as I continue to progress), and I’m not wild about the firm as a whole. I love my practice group, but do not like the firm.
I have an opportunity to join Firm B. Firm B is significantly more prestigious, pays market compensation, and I’ve liked all of the people I’ve talked to at the firm. I have a couple of friends at Firm B (but, not in the practice group I’d be joining), and they have nothing but good things to say about Firm B’s culture. I’ve spoken to an associate in the practice group I’d be joining (same as Firm A), and he strongly recommends joining (obviously). He billed less hours last year than I did at Firm A. The work seems like it’s more challenging and would involve more responsibility for me, both of which are appealing at this point in my career, but would mean 50% or so of the work I’d be doing would be in a new area I have not previously done. Partnership, however, sounds like it would take longer (if I even decide that’s what I want – I’m not convinced it is).
Do I leave something that’s pretty good for something that could be great, with more compensation, complex work and responsibility?
I didn’t want to be a partner, so my goal was to make as much money as possible when working a reasonable amount. If the new firm offers that, I would move. But your goals seem different than mine.
You started looking at Firm B for a reason. What was it? That would impact my thought, because whatever that reason was is not going away.
I would also focus on the long term prospects. What are your partnership chances at Firm A? Do you even want to be a partner there if you don’t like the rest of the firm? One other factor to consider, which is not addressed above, is whether either Firm A or Firm B would better position you to move to other things. Would expanding in to this new area help open up in-house/government opportunities if you decide that you don’t want/don’t get partnership?
What would you do?
I started looking because Firm B was hiring and I’d heard such great things. I’ve been a little bored by my work at Firm A – the work that I’ve been doing is somewhat random/all over the place and I don’t feel like I’m getting that good of training/education because of it. Getting a great review and then being told that my comp would be significantly below market was demoralizing. Partnership at Firm A seems like a valid possibility (I’ve been told they consider me partner material), but I’m not wild about joining the firm as a partner.
Firm B would add a new client base to my practice and would probably open more doors to me for in-house compared to Firm A.
As I’m writing this out, I realize I really am leaning towards Firm B…it’s the fear of the unknown that’s getting me, I guess.
Is it Friday yet?
This a no-brainer, the time to move is as soon as you start thinking about it. :) Make the move, it sounds like there’s no downsides to it!
I think you should move if it that means developing a better skillset and better exit opportunities, even if you did want partnership down the road.
Lots of people, especially women who are often socialized to be risk averse, lose a lot of opportunity in order to stick with comfort. Don’t do this, you’re only cheating yourself. You list nothing but positives for Firm B, the only negative is “but the place I’m at is okay”. Would you really suggest a friend in the same situation stay where they are? Take a leap, you got the offer because you can do the job, and culturally it will probably be better or not any worse than your current place from what you’ve set forth here. There is no reason to stay stagnant.
I’d go to Firm B. A combo of broader experience, more money, AND a name-brand behind you for exit opportunities.
I am a very strong proponent of “the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t” and have been bitten hard when jumping from a firm where I was happy and successful to an in-house gig. In the long run, I needed to try in-house to know it wasn’t for me but in the short/medium term it was awful (pay was sig. worse, I had to move cities, boss and department were AWFUL, corporate political environment (vs a firm) was not for me, and on and on).
With that said, it sounds like you’ve done a lot of homework. Anon at 10:48 has a some really great things to consider. I don’t tend to think partnership is all it’s cracked up to be–in general, associates at large, successful firms are paid well–so I’d personally be okay with a longer partnership track.
One more piece I’d look hard at is who you would report to–how much of an opportunity do you have to get to know their management style and work habits? Not just how you get along with them in an interview or at lunch or whatever but how they work and how that fits with how you work. I found it much more difficult to adapt to new working styles once I hit four to fiveish years out of law school, so keep that in mind. You’re probably very good at adapting to and predicting your current partners/senior associates. If you jump, it could just be a transition period, or it could be a total mismatch. I don’t have any great tips, unfortunately, because I failed on making that judgement once when I went in-house and again when I left in-house to go back to a firm. In my case, I apparently have a hard time working for baby-boomer generation women (as much as I hate that fact, that is the pattern).
Good luck, and congrats, though! It sounds like a really good opportunity!
So I was confronted with basically exactly this decision when I was a mid-level, and I opted to jump. It was completely the right decision for me, even though the learning curve in my new practice area was steep. I had not even understood, until I moved, how much being bored at work was sapping my love of practicing law. More interesting work and more responsibility totally changed my outlook on my career – and feeling like I was finally getting paid fairly was awesome. I’m now a partner at my Firm B and I’m one of the happiest biglaw lawyers I know.
As a mid-level, you are far better positioned to ask the right questions in an interview than you were when you interviewed as a student or new lawyer for your job at Firm A. Ask them what they envision being the process for helping you learn the new practice area, for example. Try to make sure you interview with the exact partners you’d work for. As questions about the things that affect your happiness at Firm A, so you can figure out how those things would work at Firm B. For example, I was coming from one transactional area to another, so we discussed a lot during the interview process how my skills would translate and what new ones I’d need to acquire.
I have a friend who was in this position but regretted the move. However, she accidentally got pregnant while lateraling to the new firm and so had to face a lot of criticisms while trying to prove herself as a new associate, when her old firm would have cut her some slack. But her goal is to go in house, not make partner, so it still made sense for her in the long run.
It sounds like your goal is to make partner. If that is the goal, being home-grown makes a huge difference in terms of partnership promotion. So I would not move if that’s your goal.
My 20 something bff is going through cancer-related fertility treatments. It sounds awful and uncomfortable and depressing and terrifying. I don’t live nearby. What can I do or send to make this suck less for her?
You can read up on cancer treatments and always be there whenever she feels like calling.
anon a mouse
Due to some shoulder pain I think I have to rethink my OMG for travel soon. I’d like a backpack large enough to hold a 13″ laptop, with a sleeve to slide over luggage, that looks relatively professional (or at least won’t make people confuse me with a college kid). Any suggestions? Price probably not an issue for the right piece.
P.MAI! Price is high but she’s a young female entrepreneur and I love supporting that. I have the black one and get compliments all the time (strangers have stopped me in the street to ask me where I got it). It has a laptop sleeve inside, tons of pockets, and the strap to put onto luggage. It also comes with a wristlet which I just use for pens. I don’t think I’ll ever go back to the tote life.
I use this. It was cheap and two-ish years in it’s still fine!
Looking to splurge on bedding. If money were no object, what sheets would you get? Only criteria really are that we generally prefer percale to sateen and are an all-white linens household (but are considering a duvet cover that has that hotel piping/stitching in a color as we re-decorate our bedroom). Any favorites you have touched and coveted? Any thoughts on Sferra, Fr ett e, RL, or Yves Delorme?
LOVE Yves Delorme, and they have good percale options. Kind of underwhelmed by Frette.
Another vote for Yves Delorme. Truly top-notch quality and lovely fabric.
We got RL (from Macy’s) sheets from our registry and while I love the pattern/feel, I have red pajamas that have color transferred onto the sheets. It may be a clothing-problem, not a sheets problem, but this hasn’t happened for any of our other sheets and it won’t wash off. We also got a comforter, but when I washed it, one corner is now bunched up, for no reason. I’d give it 3.5 stars out of 5. We also got towels from RL and they’re the worst towels ever. I’d expect better quality
RL fan here, Frette doesn’t last very well. I get the RL sheets at Macy’s. I send them out to a laundry so they get mangled and pressed and hold up to it well.
All, I am so excited. Our family of three lives in a 1400 square foot home without a functional garage, but the new 1.5 car detached (with a bit of upstairs storage space under peaked roof) is on schedule to be finished before baby #2 arrives!
As soon as it is done it will be a race to get our closets cleaned out and stuff put in the garage before the baby comes (I mean, we could wait, but nesting has kicked in). Any recommendations for organization, etc.? We won’t be using the garage for a car. We do want to store the following:
(1) plastic bins of outgrown clothes/kid supplies (upstairs?)
(2) Christmas decorations, lights, etc.
(3) Camping / ski gear
(4) Tools, etc.
(5) Gardening supplies
(6) Bikes (adult and kid), helmet, stroller
Just looking for what sources or approaches have worked for everyone else. For example, how best to store our road bikes (racks, etc.). TIA! (If you can’t tell, we’ve never had a garage before and I’m extremely excited).
I would focus on getting big plastic bins that will keep out spiders and other pests. You can organize a lot of those on large wire racks. I’d hang the bikes from the ceiling (if you can reach it easily) or on the wall rather than keeping them freestanding. I’d also do skis hanging vertically on the wall.
Do you not have a car? I’d focus on making sure there’s room for a car and instead of spending all this money to build a storage shed, actually get rid of your clutter.
+1 – why build a garage if not to store your actual car?
I am on team Put the Car In the Garage, but I don’t think OP’s list of things to be stored (aside from outgrown kid clothes and gear, unless she is saving it for a younger kid to grow into) sounds like a lot of extra junk. Our two-car garage contains two cars, a lawnmower, tools, camping gear, sports equipment, holiday decorations, skis, and bikes, and we use all of it regularly. I would definitely KonMari the lot before moving it into the garage, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with storing stuff you actually use.
Agreed! Should she throw away her camping stuff, garden tools, and holiday decorations?
We never park in our garage (Califooornia) but we have enough room to — in spite of my sewing nook, my husband’s tool table, three bikes, a trike, a wagon, and! camping supplies and holiday decor. And a beer fridge.
OP said they weren’t planning on using the garage for the car…
What’s the climate where you live? And how much will the inside of your garage feel those temperature/condition changes?
I wouldn’t store clothing in the garage. Don’t really have a clear reason why, but it feels wrong.
I wouldn’t put any delicate christmas/holiday decorations in the garage. The artificial tree? Sure. Those special ornaments from Grandma? those stay inside.
Tools – I wouldn’t put ALL of them in the garage. You’ll want some basics on hand in the house, yes?
Basically – if I use it outside, then I’ll store it in the garage. For anything else – it has to be robust enough to deal with the temperature changes and pests and the hauling of it in and out of storage.
This is common where I live, especially with newer garages that are replacing 100 year old ones and people maybe use a parking pad or similar as well – congratulations! I think using smaller plastic tubs that are clear or labelled well is good. Consider getting some standard sized shelves to use space vertically. The only item on your list that gives me pause is the outgrown kids stuff — do you just mean things that aren’t in use until your next kid reaches that stage or outgrown in the sense that you should get rid of it now before it lives in your garage and you forget about it for another 20 years?
If you’re not maneuvering around a car (which I’m also sort of confused about?), storage should be fairly straightforward. 3-6 live in my garage (exception to #3: anything you sleep on. We hang sleeping bags in a closet in the basement so they stay aired out and keep the pads/mats down there too).
I would also not put clothes in outdoor storage if you have room to keep them indoors. Kid things like old furniture or old big toys would survive just fine.
FWIW we kept “indoor” Christmas decorations (creche toys, Christmas books, random wall hangings, etc.) in big plastic Rubbermaids in my parents’ attic for years and never had any problems. I agree with Mpls that anything sentimental should be inside.
My sister-in-law did an awesome job organizing storage in their garage (we tell her she should hire out her services). The basics that I recall were: hanging, hanging, hanging: hang as much stuff on the wall as you can; and they had shelving installed close to the ceiling to store big Tupperware bins of stuff. Basically both strategies kept things off the floor as much as possible which helped make it feel more open and organized.
When we had a single car garage w/room for storage, we got heavy-duty racks from Costco to line one wall, and put things in plastic bins, or stacked cans (we also used for food storage). We get plastic bins from Ikea, they come in a variety of sizes, although they don’t snap closed (you can buy separate lock things to keep the lids on, but I’m still not sure if it’s airtight). And we kept the car in there, too…not sure what is confusing people about using a garage for storage and to park a car.
I agreed to participate in a 5th grade career fair at my kids’ school. I’m a lawyer but work as a career clerk for an appellate court. How do I describe my job to 10 and 11 year olds? The kids will be divided into groups, so I will be speaking to multiple small groups of students rather than to the class as a whole.
Talk to them about what an appellate court does (how it fits into the justice system), and then what your role is in making that courtroom run. Maybe have an interesting (to 10 year olds) case that you can use as an example?
That sounds so fun! I would talking about working for judges and how that’s different from when lawyers argue in court (advocate vs. adjudicator). Any interesting cases you can talk about publicly? I don’t think you need to dumb it down too much, I’ve had the opportunity to speak about my (lawyer) job to middle schoolers and was super impressed at how interested and knowledgeable they were (although obviously this is a little younger).
Hey, that’s my job too! I have found it useful in talking to kids to talk about the judges/ justices, which they’ve generally at least heard of, and go from there. Talk about how adults, like kids, have fights, and they resolve them in courts. Judges help them resolve their fights. You help the judge figure out the best way to resolve the fight. Kind of like that.
What about working on a hypo? I volunteer for Lawyers in the Classroom, an education program to teach elementary school kids about law. We use hypos like “should electronic devices be allowed in school?” (what about kids with glucometers? who’s responsible if a kid’s cell phone is stolen?) or interpreting rules like “no vehicles in the park” (what about motorized scooters and skateboards and wheelchairs?) to discuss how laws are written, interpreted, and litigated. As a clerk, you can talk about your job to decide which is the right outcome.
My son is in 4th grade and learned about the US Constitution this year. He got a paper copy of it at school. Might be fun if you have a handout like that to give out, or judge’s robes or gavels to try on (even though I know you’re not a judge) or an example of different motions you help to file or response you’ve written – remember that weird press conference where Trump showed all the different piles of paper? Like that. Show a 1-3 page response or motion, then show a 30 page motion (you don’t have to read it) then show like a huge 300 page motion.
Can you connect it to recent cases they might have heard about in the news, or big, exciting ideas for students like First Amendment at schools or other things kids might care about, or celebrities they might know? I know that’s pushing it. Hope this helps.
Uh oh, today the Directrice mentioned our discussion of the uglyish yellow outfit that she posted a couple of months ago. I guess she reads here! I feel kind of guilty.
But she threw in a cat picture today so I’m happy (still don’t like the bolero thingy though)
I don’t think you need to feel guilty for discussing a public blog on another public blog.
Hi, Directrice! I love the bolero and jeans look!
Hi, Directrice! That lace cami is lovely. I don’t always understand everything you wear, but I admire your willingness to go for it :)
How do companies find your address to mail you a coupon after you visit their website? I visited Native last week, and this week, I got a coupon. This has happened with Nissan before quite a bit. Anyone can just poach my address as I’m browsing?
Former E-commerce Nerd
I used to work as a developer for a company that built the backend software for a TON of online retailers. There are a few ways they do this:
* If you’ve ever bought anything from them before and provided your email address, there’s likely a cookie on your computer that essentially ties your browser to that customer record. Even if you’re not logged in, they can pull up their own information on you.
* If you’re logged into most of the large social media platforms on your computer, they essentially track EVERYTHING you’re doing for their own advertising purposes. Some of them also sell that information or provide it to partners.
* Think about who your email provider is and if they happen to also be an ad provider.
Former E-commerce Nerd
If anyone who uses Chrome wants to check out what cookies sites have stored on your computer, you can see the full list here: chrome://settings/siteData
This happens to me, too, and I find it creepy. I should really start browsing in incognito mode all the time.
eh – I’ve never visited the Native website before and also got a coupon in the mail from them, so it could be they are just blanketing everyone from a certain type of mailing list at the moment.