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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Polka-Dot Split-Neck Blouse

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This polka-dotted top seems like it’s just the right level of whimsy for a casual Friday. It’s a print with some visual interest that doesn’t go too far over the top for a conservative office. I would wear this tucked in with a bright pencil skirt and a cardigan or blazer. The website suggests machine washing and line-drying, but for this price, I might be willing to roll the dice and throw it in the dryer. It’s currently on sale at Old Navy for $20 (marked down from $29.99) and is available in regular sizes XS–XXL, tall S–XXL, and petite XS–XL. A similar top comes in plus sizes 1X–4X (unfortunately, not on sale). Polka-Dot Split-Neck Blouse This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. 

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

324 Comments

  1. I know there have been a lot of sheet recommendations, but what about pillowcases? Even new ones seem too small – pillows coming out the end. Happening with anything more than a flat old bed pillow. Older Land’s End ones were the best, but new reviews say they’re too small as well. I think bed pillows are fluffier?? Anyone use bigger bed pillows and have a reliable case? And it’s the width as well as the length if that makes sense.

    1. I have the Fieldcrest supima classic hemstitch pillowcases from Target. You can get them in standard or king size, and they have an extra flap of fabric at the opening that helps keep the pillow in. I like them a lot, and they’re about $30, I think.

    2. I can’t say I’ve been having the same issue with pillows (both cases and pillows are from Target in my case). But I’ll second the comment above and say that if the standard size isn’t doing it for you, you could always try a king-size case on a standard pillow.

    3. My husband recently ordered some Parachute bedding and pillows– once it arrives I can report back.

    4. I have a brooklinen luxe sheet set, including pillow cases. I really like their pillow cases, they have a kind of pocket thing going which seems to work really well with my pillows.

    5. Piggybacking off of this, I need a new duvet cover plus sheet set with pillowcases. I have some old sheets that are too rough. Any suggestions?

    6. Have you tried queen sized cases? I like mulberry silk pillowcases and the queen size is bigger than standard and comfortably fits my pillow.

  2. I need a birthday card for my mentor who is turning 79. I didn’t consider myself picky but I’ve spent hours looking and haven’t found anything even remotely appropriate for this relationship. Something with a new yorker cartoon would be perfect, but it looks like they only have paperless e-cards now? That won’t work in this context. I live in a major city but all of the card selections in the convenience stores near me (walgreens, CVS, rite aid) are lackluster. It’s been a while since I tried to find a thoughtful card–where do people look nowadays?

    2. I pretty much get my cards three places: 1. on trips as a souvenir; 2. TJ Maxx for whimsical box sets; 3. Hallmark or stationary stores for more classy box sets.
      I also have a bias toward box sets of cards with blank interiors so I can use them for multiple occasions. I most recently bought a set that will work for a few weddings this year and my niece’s baptism.
      For what you are looking for, I’d try Hallmark.

    4. When I want a unique card, I usually go to a local paper/ stationery shop. I live in a rural-ish area and there’s at least a couple in the small city nearby, so you would probably have access to a bunch of options.

    5. Ideally a paper store – if you post your city, maybe you’ll get specific recommendations, but a Papyrus or Paper Source might work. I’ve actually found good cards at Target, too — they have more lines than just the standard Hallmark ones.

      (Side rant, when did cards top the $5 mark? and get off my lawn!)

      1. +1 to Paper Source.

        Papyrus is good for flashy, elaborate cards; Paper Source is good for more understated/unique cards. They seem to stock more from smaller artists/vendors.

      2. +1 to the side rant.

        I ran into the grocery store on the way home from work on Valentine’s day and ended up with a card for my husband that, I kid you not, cost ten bucks!!!

    6. I recently bought a boxed card set from Hallmark on Amazon and was very pleased with it. It’s like $25 and you get $25 cards and envelopes. I got the floral box set and was very pleased with it. There were 8-10 birthday cards in there and they looked nice. You can see there are several different versions, and each one comes with a picture of the cards. I’d pick the set that looks the nicest and see if that does it.

        1. Thanks so much for this. They used to have similar sets at Costco, which I loved, and I was quite distressed when they stopped carrying them. Just ordered this set!

    8. I have had luck finding interesting cards at those eclectic upscale gift shops that sell weird books and crafty things (common in pedestrian downtowns and fancy touristy areas), bookstores, museum gift shops, Anthropologie, Target, Papyrus, and Trader Joe’s. Drugstores and grocery stores tend to have a terrible selection, and Hallmark shops haven’t been so great lately either.

    10. So, this only works for some folks (and I am not one of them), but if you have a specific vision, you could try your hand at making it? I feel like a 79 year old mentor would really appreciate the thoughtfulness that went into that, especially with a heartfelt message inside.

    11. There are still paper cards with New Yorker cartoons. A store near me sells them. I know that isn’t going to help you because I’m in Berkeley (on the off chance you’re nearby it’s Elmwood stationers). I think you’d find them at a local shop like a stationer and not a drug store/hallmark store.

      1. I happen to be visiting Berkeley today and I’m going to run by Elmwood stationers based on your recommendation. I LOVE stationery stores!

    12. I have to put in a plug for Emily McDowell’s cards. (She’s also the one who makes cards for people with going through chemo and other bad experiences.) https://emilymcdowell.com/ I bought a few of the birthday cards that say “It’s your birthday! Time to put out this tiny fire while we sing you a song” which just cracks me up and honestly is appropriate for everybody. Insides are blank so you can write a nice note.

      1. Yes, cards from TJs are my favorite! They’re only $1, so I stockpile them in my desk at work so I always have a card for whatever birthday/retirement/new baby occasion that pops up. Some of their cards are on rough, more natural paper with watercolor like images, and those are my favorite. The ones on “shiny” paper with photographs or graphic images don’t look as nice, IMO. The biggest selection of cards is usually in the back of the store (sometimes practically in the hall to the restrooms), with just a few options also by the cash registers.

  3. Really interesting plantation discussion yesterday. I looked around online and it does look like there are a not-infrequent number of weddings at plantations (including Blake Lively’s…) as well as other stuff, including a Bravo reality show that features people who live on plantations and a fox hunt. I’m getting the impression that many people see no issue with using/photographing/visiting these sites today. I also saw several where the original homes have been torn down and non-slave property owners built new ones (not sure if that changes my opinion though). It’s upsetting and I still don’t think it’s appropriate to use the sites for celebratory occasions, but I’m also not sure if every one should be turned into a museum (and then allowed to fall into disrepair since who is going to pay for upkeep if not visitors?) or if it’s okay to repurpose the land. What do we think about new homes being built on the land or public events (like art festivals) being held there?

    1. People were pretty upset about Blake Lively’s wedding at the time, fwiw. I remember it was quite the controversy.

      1. I think that Reese Witherspoon got married in Charleston, which is to me so totally tied to the slave trade. I don’t think that there is a historic house that isn’t tied to it somehow. I don’t recall an outcry though — it was more notable b/c she was pregnant.

    2. IDK but if you look at the work of the John Carter Brown library at Brown University, they go in-depth about the relationship that they, in Rhode Island, had to the slave trade. TL;DR: $ was needed to finance slave ships and they provided it. The $ spiraled around and around, so I’m not sure that there were people, houses, and institutions from that era without blood on their hands.

      Alexandria VA was retroceded from DC to keep it open as a slave port once the slave trade was outlawed in DC. I don’t think we think of Alexandria as particularly slave-related now, but maybe it will give you pause now.

      Asheville — so lovely, right? But that’s where the rice plantation owners in SC would go in the summer b/c it was so sweltering near the rice plantation. And the live of a slave working in the rice fields? It maybe lasted about 3 years. But if you go to Brookgreen Gardens (which is lovely), you get a sense of the heaviness of history. And a sense of hope that we are not now what we were. Some of the original Brookgreen land is now a state park (across the highway) and some is now just random people’s houses.

      I think it’s fine if you won’t go into a plantation house. But so much of that history is hiding and so much of it is not just in the south. The low hanging fruit is easy to get to. But the hidden side of the slave trade probably deserves to be called out even more because it shows how far its toxicity went.

      1. +1 A lot of New York City was built on slave trade as well. We should remember and discuss it more often.

      2. Oh for sure! But there’s a difference between its complicated let’s not hide it and screw it let’s have a wedding at a death camp.

        1. Right, but my local register of deeds recorded not just my mortgage but debts against plantation owners that were repaid in slaves (collateral is collateral) if people were short on cash or died without liquid assets (e.g., why Thomas Jefferson couldn’t manumit his slaves). And that nice courthouse square? It was for hanging people. History is truly terrifying.

          If you are casually curious, the Hamilton Mixtape Cabinet Battle #3 is a good introduction to history.

          1. I don’t need a history lesson, thanks though! The question was about weddings at plantations- we may not be able to avoid this history altogether and I don’t think we should try, but we can avoid weddings at plantations. As a start.

        2. In some parts of the US, I think you’d be challenged to find a place to hold a wedding not touched by slavery. Even a simple courthouse wedding would be problematic. Or a wedding at a private home. Or a country club (which until recently probably barred black, Jewish, or female members).

          Dracarys?

          1. No. No one is suggesting that any place that ever had any kind of connection to slavery needs to be burned out.

            Plantations were purpose built for slavery. Slavery was their sole purpose. They had NO other purpose that the owning and abusing of people. Plantation weddings are for-profit events that profit off a white washed version of that time period. This is not about someone having a wedding in the backyard of their family house.

          2. And? The fact that many things are problematic doesn’t change that plantations are particularly horrific.

          3. I think that boycotting plantations makes us feel good but it is so easy. It is not so easy to see how systemic the rot was. The rot is horrifying in a way that hows how easy it is to be complicit in evil.

          4. @Anonymous at 11:47, I agree that boycotting wedding plantations is easier than addressing the systemic legacy of racism in America…but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still worth doing, you know?

        3. Some of these death camps were also the only home the people who lived in captivity there ever knew. It’s the site of their suffering and their deaths but also of every meaningful moment in their lives. I think it should all be part of reparations.

          Definitely these homes shouldn’t be owned by today’s white supremacists (as with Cory Stewart below).

          1. To Anon at 11:21 AM, most of the plantations in the area of the SEUS where I live are owned by historical foundations or educational trusts. The events hosted on the grounds are not “for-profit” — rather the revenues are used for preservation and educational programs (which are forthright about the atrocities of slavery). There are not enough wealthy donors to keep these foundations afloat – many of them have had to look for additional revenue streams.

          2. @ Anon 11:45 — how many of them are actual good educational programs? The example below re one sentence about slavery is not the kind of non-profit that anyone should support.

      3. There are beautiful historic homes throughout East Tennessee, which was a vehemently abolitionist area.

        1. Those are different though. There were also non-slave-owning plantations that belonged to Quakers and that served as stops on the Underground Railroad. I’d gladly celebrate there.

        2. That is so true! There are three Tennessees, and I stand with East Tennessee.

          Also, #WestVirginia for the win.

          1. …I was shocked by the number of Confederate flags I saw in West Virginia. Like, don’t you exist because you didn’t want to secede?

    3. I’m interested in the answer to this and despite experiences at several of these “venues,” I don’t know what I think about the more general question of what do you do with the properties?

      As for weddings themselves – I went to a wedding on one about 15 years ago now, in Louisiana. It is so disconcerting to be dancing and celebrating where you know people were tortured. The “about” section of the website is very long and only in one sentence does it even mention the over 500 individuals enslaved there. As of today it says only that the property “contained over twelve thousand acres of the finest quality of cultivable land, and a work force of over five hundred and fifty slaves, and was without exception, the finest property possessed by a single proprietor in America.” 550!

      1. So it had one of the largest “work forces” (vomit) anywhere in the South and they still can’t acknowledge it? That isn’t a case where you can pretend that it was “just a few house slaves”. So depressing.

        One thing I found interesting is that only about a quarter of homes in the South owned any slaves, but nevertheless, the entire institution is so inextricably linked to every aspect of the economy and social structure. I really don’t think you can escape its influence anywhere in the slave states. I haven’t been to Charleston, but I have heard that the history feels very, very close there. How do whine people living in the South reconcile that? I’m not from the South, but my grandfather’s family is going back to the 1700s (and yes, they owned several slaves). He left and I think I would too. I agree that slavery (and countless other horrors) extended its reach all over the US, but how do you live so very close to it and not think about it constantly?

        1. Personally, as a white southerner whose family owned slaves before the Civil War, it means that I don’t sweep it under the rug. I love my state and my city, even with their problematic histories–for me, that means I need to stay here, do the work to advance racial justice, and try to make up for their histories of oppression.

        2. You reconcile it because there’s no place you can live in this world that doesn’t carry the stamp of atrocity. If you live in the US, the odds are you are resident on unceded land that was taken by force from Native Americans. That history only feels less close to you because the eradication was so thorough.

        3. Your question makes it sound like white people have completely changed their minds about this stuff in places like Charleston. Unless people just single me out to say terrible things to, there seems to be a lot of “slavery was bad, but…” thinking among comfortable white people in the SEUS all across the political spectrum. They talk as though people of color are a problem that white people need to solve through influence and control, and they don’t always even bother to use “poor” or “socioeconomically disadvantaged” as euphemisms.

          1. One of the things that has most disturbed me over the last few years is the resurgence of this sort of Confederate-apologism that you describe – that used to be socially unacceptable and yes, you are definitely hearing more of it. Having lived in many places in the US, though, I’d argue that this is not an affliction unique to the SEUS…it just happens to be much more okay to express that stuff openly in some parts of our region that it is in other parts of the US where people use code words for their racism.

            Either way, there’s no place you can move that’s free of the taint of human awfulness. My personal view is that if all the wealthy white progressives move away (even though we’re not the targets of this stuff, just people who find it uncomfortable), it just becomes worse, especially for lower-income people who don’t have the freedom to move away. And a lot of that low-income population is black (and increasingly, Latino), so you end up making it worse.

    4. I commented probably too late yesterday, but one thing is to consider if that hosting events in these locations can help fund the museum portion of them. There’s really not adequate funding for upkeep of all the historical buildings/museums just from donors and governments. It’s a complicated question. As long as some people have no problem with events there (and clearly lots don’t), I can’t fault them for renting them out.

      As for repurposing the land, realistically there are large, large swaths of the South that are built on land of former plantations. You just don’t know it a lot of the time.

      1. I’m not black (but I am a POC FWIW), but I think if you’re not going to treat the land with historical respect for what happened there (and hosting events like weddings doesn’t count as historical respect to me), I think it’s better to repurpose the land – and in a just world, money from the sale of the land to the developer or whoever buys it should go to the descendants of the people enslaved there, if we can figure that out, or to some other socially useful cause).

        1. But the question becomes where does the chain end? Like others have pointed out, so much of our US history is tied to the slave trade. It’s not just plantations. Universities built by slaves. People who owned small houses and still owned people.

          2. It’s not just plantations but plantations were one of the few places that were specifically built to facilitate the use of slaves. They are entirely about slavery. They had no other purpose. Let’s start there and worry about more tangentially related places once peopel understand that having a party at a concentration camp is a bad idea.

          5. Anon at 11:24: I am confused as to your statement that plantations were specifically built for slavery. They weren’t holding grounds for slaves as part of the overall slave trade – plantations were often the last stop in the trade. What do you mean that plantations “had not other purpose”? They literally fed entire swaths of the US (obviously at great profit for the landowners, who relied on slaves to make it economically attractive). Slaves were used to prop up the agricultural economy, not to create an entire sub-economy of their own.

          6. To 10:42am – That’s my point, and the corollary is not that we do nothing, but we also shouldn’t pretend that if we stop having weddings at these plantations, that we are done. There is a history of slavery and racism all over America, and very practical problems with how we address it.

      2. That is an interesting point, but I don’t think their need for funding for educational purposes means people are morally obligated to use them as wedding venues if they’re uncomfortable with the idea and would rather get married somewhere else. I mean, maybe I’m ignorant, maybe there are parts of the country where your options are church or plantation, and you’d have to go out of your way to avoid them, so maybe doing so would absolutely look like a political statement rather than a regular ol’ choice, I don’t know. I just think that if people are opposed to getting married on a plantation, that’s valid and they shouldn’t be guilted into it.

        That thread seemed to go in a weird direction, unless I missed something. Someone was like “would you get married on a plantation?” and some people were like “no, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that” and then people were like “come on guys, we can’t just burn down things we don’t like!”

        Like, what? Is the choice not to use plantation as a wedding venue really going to lead to it being completely destroyed? Is there really no other, more appropriate, event that could help fund these places?

        1. I don’t think anyone’s saying there’s anything wrong with being opposed to getting married on a plantation. I think we all agree that’s a perfectly valid viewpoint. The point is there are a lot of people who have no problem with that, and I’m not judging the plantation for offering itself as an event space for weddings for those who don’t care as opposed to being strictly a museum/educational experience.

    5. Anon for this because it carries a high outing risk, but my ancestors built one of the oldest colonial farmhouses still standing in VA. It was sold out of the family in the 1970s and is now owned by Corey Stewart, known white nationalist. It’s not a plantation in the sense people talk about, because the scale of agriculture in VA was smaller than in MS, LA, etc., but it was a large working farm with, at times, a number of enslaved people living there (anywhere from 0 to 5 at any given time over almost 300 years). We have information about some of them from family records, and I have met some of their descendants, with whom I share a last name.

      If I could buy that house back, I would. It’s not of enough historical interest to operate it as a museum that’s generally open to the public, but when it was last for sale we discussed buying it, with the thinking that we would ensure it was available to anyone who was a descendant of people who lived there (enslaved or not), and that we would also try to make available any records we had since tracing heritage can be hard for people whose ancestors were enslaved. A lot of that stuff is on Ancestry now, obviously, but it wasn’t at the time. Unfortunately, we couldn’t afford it, and now it’s in the hands of someone who definitely doesn’t share those interests or priorities.

      I don’t think the idea of tearing down every house where people were once enslaved is feasible – because slavery was epidemic throughout a large portion of our country and that would involve basically every home that is more than 150 years old in those areas. My view is that we are better off ensuring that history is interpreted and that historical memory is preserved against the forces of those who would prefer to erase it…like the guy who now lives in my family’s house.

    6. I was shocked at how awful the Portuguese colonies in Africa and the Portuguese-speaking parts of the Americas were re slavery. [And how quickly a lot changed when you could mechanize rice production in some areas, thus making honest rice more cheap to produce than slave-produced rice.] Like I may have similar concerns re Brazil now when I go there soon for work –> it’s a much more seemingly-integrated society in some ways but as a stranger to the culture I bet it is waaaay more complicated than I can appreciate.

      1. Brazil has a massive racism problem and indigenous people are still being treated really really horribly.

      2. They were terrible in India as well, with the big caveat that Indians were not enslaved. Colonized, but not enslaved. With that said, compared to the British, the Portuguese were barbarians. They decimated thousands of ancient religious idols and statutes, the likes of which will never be seen again.

      3. Brazil has a straight up fascist government right now. They are literally closing entire university departments and banning cultural ministries.

    7. Have there been any serious proposals in recent history to give some of that land back to descendants of slaves? Some of the plantations are enormous and could be split into many smaller parcels. In the context of reparations, there is probably some symbolic/emotional appeal associated with the land itself rather than a check. I have no idea how it could actually be implemented, but I’m just curious if anyone has heard about anything like that.

      2. I have no idea how that would be workable. Not the least because I’m pretty sure a lot of the land plantations were built on was stolen from Native Americans first.

        1. Agreed. Who cares about what happened 100’s of years ago? Look FORWARD, not backward! All of us were not even born, so why pin this on us? People who wound up in the US are alot better off then people who stayed wherever they came from. So enough already. Let’s work hard for the future and forget the past. Those who are looking for a free lunch for something that happened to their ansestors 300-400 years ago should forget about it.

    8. I’m going to geographically out myself, but whatever.
      Most (maybe all) of the residential subdivisions in my city, including the one my own house is in, are built on former plantation land. Unless one is a keen student of history, it doesn’t dawn on people that neighborhoods < 1 mile from the center of town, a state capital, were cotton fields less than 200 years ago. They were cow pastures barely 75 years ago. As far as most folks are concerned, what it looks like now is what it's always looked like.
      Our large HBCU is built on a former slave plantation. No one talks about it.
      There are only two books that I've found that trace the history of the county land. Both are old and don't do justice to the history of enslaved people or indigenous populations.
      Just talking about it and acknowledging it would go a long way. I love my city, but the "if nobody talks about it, then it didn't happen" attitude about history is maddening.

      1. Anon for this, but I was just in Cherokee County, GA. This is the perspective of a Yankee outsider, but to me their history was so visible and commemorated that it gave an impression of being more acceptable or accepted? I don’t know what I’m asking for, and I realize I’m not going to get sackcloth and ashes. But I wasn’t sure if I really preferred the more visible commemoration when I got it.

        1. So if you’ve followed the monuments controversy at all, we’re only 60 years removed from legal segregation and a period when a TON of Civil War monuments were put up as part of trying to suppress the Civil Rights Movement and promote white supremacy. We’re in the middle of a roiling debate over how to deal with those now. So yes, you’ll see a lot more visual representation of that stuff, and yes, there are a lot of the “it’s heritage not hate!” people down here (eyeroll). That being said, visible commemoration, if appropriately done, is in my view not only important but necessary because we are at risk of losing the memory of this history and of how it continues to affect us to the present day.

          Losing that memory is how you end up with people saying stuff like “well, we can’t blame slaveholders, because everyone thought slavery was okay then” (no, it was one of the most public controversies of our early history as a nation) and the perpetual “it was about states’ rights, not slavery!” stuff (states’ rights to…allow human beings to be owned as property).

          The Atlanta History Center has a fantastic new exhibit on the Cyclorama, which was a painting of the Battle of Atlanta that was previously part of a very pro-Confederacy segregation-era tourist attraction. They’ve done a great job of contextualizing that history. My town (Decatur) is prohibited by state law from removing its Civil War monument, so they’re trying to add stuff that will contextualize it. That needs to be the solution for stuff like Stone Mountain, too, since I doubt they’ll ever be able to figure out how to remove the carving.

          1. Thanks for the thoughtful reply. Maybe it’s partly because of some small town vibes, but some of the references seemed very casual and appeared in random commercial spaces (unfortunately, I can’t remember where I saw a map of how the Cherokee land was divided, displayed without comment or context, but it was in an unexpected place). I should be clear that, for all I know, there are also excellent museums or history centers that I didn’t see (but this has given me the idea of looking them up if I’m ever in town again).

    9. The work Bryan Stevenson is doing is a start. I hope to go to his museum/memorial someday soon.

      1. My dad visited it last year and said it was one of the most powerful experiences of his life.

    10. I live in Tallahassee. I am a Black woman. Several of the wedding venues (and neighborhoods) here are former plantations and some even still go by “Such and Such Plantation.” My husband and I agreed that they were disqualified as potential venues when we got married. I’m not living in a subdivision with “plantation” in the name, either.

      1. Waves from Tallahassee (I’m the 11:28 Anon). Agree 100% with this. There is so much to love about this city and simultaneously so much WTF.

        2. Anon at 11:44, I wondered if you were in Tallahassee! That’s funny.

          Hey, y’all! I would suggest a meetup, but we’re all Anon. Ha!

          1. This was supposed to say “Anon at 11:28.” I am Anon @ 11:44. Forgive me, it’s Friday.

          2. I’m totally down for a Tallahassee meetup sometime! I have a feeling that if at least 3 people show up, 2 will already know each other IRL. This city is the biggest small town I’ve ever lived in. Have a great weekend!

  4. Has anyone been a law school adjunct?

    We have two law schools, both 1.5 hours away. I’m fairly senior and, frankly, bored. There aren’t that many things that are challenges and I try to keep my associates busy, so I do more overseeing and client relations than work on a lot of days. I’m thinking that if I did a 3-hour one day a week seminar course in my area, that might work. Or maybe finding a professor friend who is already there who’d let me do a guest lecture or two.

    My firm hires from both schools, but I’m not sure that matters. Our summer hiring is more for corporate entry level slots and in anything more niche we tend to get laterals fleeing NYC firms as soon as their bonus check clears.

    1. Yes, I’ve done it. Even adjunct without the 3 hour round trip drive it is a lot of work and time, especially the first few years when you develop your syllabus and class sessions. I teach a seminar of 18 and each class session takes a lot of work beyond the 2-3 hours of in-class work.

      I think the idea of guest lecturing first is a great idea. Our local law schools have a ton of practitioners acting as adjuncts right now – reach out to someone you know and ask about it. It will give you a little view of what it’s like.

    2. I’ve done it – I taught a 3-hour class once a week, like you’re describing. Pros: I loved teaching and the students were great (so it might be great in terms of the boredom you’re experiencing). Cons: Preparing the course was a huge pain the first year (it’s easier once you’ve done it once), getting ready for class each week also took a fair amount of time, and grading exams was an additional mountain of work. I wasn’t in it for the money, but it pays VERY poorly also.

    3. The class that best prepared me for practice was M&A taught by adjuncts who would fly in to Charlottesville from NYC to teach—I think every other weekend (but it was a long time ago). I didn’t do much M&A at first, but they taught practical drafting/redlining skills.

      From the student perspective: do it!

  5. Does anyone use both differin and tretinoin? Both at night? Different nights? I have some blackheads on my nose I want to get rid of and Dr. Google led me to Differin at Target.

    1. Absolutely do not do this!!! If your script isn’t doing the trick you should try a BHA toner, alternating nights – I like the Paula’s Choice one and use this exact combo (BHA and tret). BHA’s are specifically the best for blackheads, retinols are not going to target them as much.

    2. You shouldn’t use them together. If your Retin-A isn’t cutting it, can you up the dosage?

      1. On a side note, I’m curious if your insurance covered your tretonin. I just got a prescription for this and it’s $100 for the smallest size and a generic. Ouch! Wondering if I should ask my derm for a different retin-A script.

        1. My insurance covers mine. I use it for acne, not for anti-aging–insurance won’t cover the latter. However, my insurance is unusually good.

        2. Insurance covered mine technically, as it was written as being for acne. But it was still nearly $200, so unless you’ve got great drug coverage, that might not be that bad a price.

        3. Insurance covered my tretinoin but it required a pre authorization where my derm had to certify that it was for acne. I switched to curology because it’s cheaper and easier, and also because tretinoin alone wasn’t giving me the results I wanted.

        4. If you’re insurance won’t cover it, shop around! Rx prices can be dramatically different, even down the street at the same chain. I’d start at an independent pharmacy, then maybe Kroger, then Wal-Mart. Also getting a small size might not save you that much since the cost of filling an rx is built in, so a 15 g tube vs 30 g tube won’t always be double, maybe just $20 more?

    3. Ooh. I wouldn’t. My face is burning just thinking about it. How long have you been using tret? If it’s only been a few months, you might give it a little more time to see if there’s an impact on your blackheads. If it’s been 6 months or more, then salicylic acid in the morning might be something to try for the blackheads. But really, tret is like the queen of exfoliators, and in my opinion you’re playing a dangerous skin game if you add any others.

    4. I use a combination of azaleic acid and tretinoin in my curology custom mix. I don’t have any problems with it.

      I think if you’re seeing a lot of tiny filled pores on your nose, you might be looking at a normal thing that is not blackheads. On redd1t skincare addiction they call them sebaceous filaments. Everyone has them and you don’t need to get rid of them. If you do get them out, they come back. A blackhead would be a larger single blocked pore here and there.

      2. +1 literally everyone has sebaceous filaments on their nose; they photoshop them out in ads and celebrities use primer and concealer to hide them when they’re going to be photographed. People see pictures and think they have a “problem” but they don’t have a problem; they are just targets of people trying to sell products.
        Also want to say – thanks for the Curology recommendations people have given here. I got my first bottle last week and I love what it’s doing for my skin already. I am pleased at the price, also, given what I’ve heard people say about how much their tretinoin costs.

    5. I use a prescription product called Tactupump (used to be called Tactuo), which is a combo of adapalene and benzoyl peroxide. I find it extremely effective for clearing existing blackheads and keeping the pores “unobstructed.” That said, it took a bit of getting used to – my face burned and peeled a bit for approx. 2 weeks as my skin got used to it. The other annoyance is that it bleaches clothing, towels, etc. I now have dedicated white face cloths, pillow cases, and others so that works well.

  6. My diet is great all day but goes to @#$#@$ from 4-7 because I find myself snacking on carby stuff from the kids’ plates. Any tips?

          1. Yes. I have to severely limit carbs (reactive hypoglycemia), and I am fine doing that, but I wouldn’t limit carbs in a child’s diet. Generally, I think it’s important not to think categorically in terms of “healthy” or “unhealthy” foods or eating patterns. The same foods just aren’t good or bad for us all (gluten, peanuts, red meat, whatever).

        2. They’re not, but if the food is unhealthy for her to eat maybe it’s also not great for the kids?

          1. She didn’t say the food was unhealthy for her. Adults and kids have very different dietary needs. (Most) kids need relatively high-fat, high-carb diets to keep up with their body’s growth, but those things aren’t the best choice for an adult who is done growing and is trying not to gain or to lose weight. It does not make the food unhealthy at all.

    2. Eat a real deliberate snack at 3:45. Something that actually fills you up. A couple hard boiled eggs, or nuts, or some cheese.

      1. + 1 This. I usually have a plain greek yogurt at 4 pm, and this really helps me from raiding the vending machine and stuffing myself with chips.

    3. Eat a protein-rich snack right before you leave the office.

      The thing that always kept me from eating off my kid’s plate was the thought of how many germs she’d been exposed to at day care. She’s now in middle school and I still won’t eat or drink anything she’s touched because she seems to get five or six awful bugs every year.

    4. I’d have a purposeful snack at 3:30 or 4:00, or with the kids, to prevent eating too much of the foods you don’t want. Also, what Anon 9:51 said. And/or just eat dinner with your kids.

    5. I keep jerky in my car to eat on the drive home or I will do exactly this. A high-protein snack (hardboiled eggs, hummus, nuts, protein bar, etc) 20-30 minutes before the impulse hits should help.

    6. This used to be a real problem for me, but I’ve found it I have something I enjoy beforehand, it really cuts my urge to graze off my kid’s plate. Right now I’m loving Stoka bars with a little nut butter. Another good alternative I’ve found is to eat something like a dill pickle or some olives. I typically eat lower carb though, so these may not be the best options for you.

    7. A former colleague and I were discussing this when our kids were toddlers. I’d be eating my lean protein + veggie dinner and my kids would be having grilled cheese and … well you know.

      My colleague said her own mom had always remained thin by skipping dinner. When my colleague and her siblings were eating dinner, the mom would just have a glass of wine and smoke a cigarette while the kids are. Then my colleague reminded me that her mom had died of cancer in her 50s. So…. I guess I didn’t feel as bad about gaining a little weight with that for context.

      1. One thing I do is have all my pre-dinner food be as healthy as I can be, so dinner can be a little more lax. With a few exceptions, I refuse to have kiddo eat a separate meal. We usually have a veggie + fresh cut fruit + main. There’s no temptation that I’m not already planning to eat. If kiddo doesn’t like what we’re having, she can have a yogurt instead.

    8. I know the usual advice is to have a healthy snack mid-afternoon, but I’ve had better luck allowing myself a treat when blood sugar slumps around 3:30. A real treat, like a candy bar or a not-ginormous bakery cookie, that is a reasonable amount of calories for a snack. I find that if I do this, I don’t graze mindlessly before dinner and often end up craving a salad or greens for dinner.

    9. I love my kids but I think about all the germs probably lingering on them from preschool and who knows what else and it keeps me from being tempted from eating off of their actual plate.

    10. Try brushing your teeth before then. You may be less likely to want to eat anything if you’re not actually hungry. I would not snack right beforehand because that would probably whet my appetite for one more bite.

    11. Become comfortable with yourself a few pounds heavier and enjoy this time with your kids?

    12. English teatime!
      I am the same way. I deliberately have tea (gives me the energy boost I need) accompanied with some snacks (cashewnuts – recently discovered sriracha cashews, raisins, a cookie, fruit, string cheese, or all of the above). When I was growing up in an Asian country, my grandma used to put a small meal on the table at 4pm when the kids came home starving from school. It was actual cooked food like steamed buns, or deep fried vegetable fritters or such, side of fruit, accompanied with milk for kids (tea for adults). Dinner used to be late and was a light meal.
      The habit never went away.

    13. Try taking apple cider vinegar pills. I started to and it’s done wonders for my cravings. You can get them at Target, Walmart, anywhere….

  7. How do you stay current with pop culture? I’m trying to step back from twitter where I normally keep up with less-serious-happenings and would love some good podcast or maybe even listicle recommendations.

  8. Does anybody have a strapless bra that they love and recommend? I’m a B cup so I don’t need anything mega-supportive, but I would love something that I could wear under widenecked blouses/camisole tops.

    1. Have you tried the stick on bras? they come in lots of styles and are decently comfortable. I find the less chest enhancing style more comfortable for long term wear.

  9. I am beyond sick of wasting my money on rent each month. I’m thinking about buying a townhome but I would only have a measly down payment. Can anyone share their stories of purchasing a home and having to pay PMI? Are you glad you did it? Did you have a hard time getting a mortgage? I know I won’t be in this city forever but the thought of spending the next few years dumping money in a black home is bothering me.

    2. My advice would be to just do the math. And remember when you sell it, you’ll be giving the Realtor 7% commission. If you won’t be there for more than a few years, that 7% eats up a lot of the equity you’ve built, especially if you hardly have any to begin with because of a small down payment. Between that and the PMI you won’t get back, it would surprise me a bit if you really come out ahead. But I suppose it depends on the rental and townhome markets in your area.

    3. How long do you think you will stay in the city, realistically? The transaction costs to sell are so, so high, not to mention the cost of maintenance. (We just had to spend $1000 to repair our HVAC, for example.) It’s really not worth it if you are only going to be there a few years.

      If you have a small downpayment, FHA loans will lend you up to 96.5% of the purchase price, but you will pay PMI as long as you have the loan. If you can get a conventional loan you can drop PMI when you hit 80% loan to value, but that’s based on your purchase price, not any appreciation. It can take many years to get there. Depending on the home price PMI may be another $100 a month.

      1. I have an FHA loan where the PMI drops off in a few years because I will have met the 80% loan to value based on the purchase price. (I will have paid PMI for a total of 9 years.)

    4. Since you won’t be in the city forever, do some serious number-crunching to figure out if you’re truly “wasting” more money on rent than you would be on owning. There’s a perception that when you own your home, all the money you put into it is money you get out at the end, but that is totally false. Money you “waste” i.e. never get back as a homeowner:

      1. PMI, as you rightly state
      2. Mortgage interest (though you may get a tax deduction — though less since the new tax bill)
      3. Property taxes (again, may get a deduction but less of one under the new tax regime)
      4. CLOSING COSTS — this is huge. If your home costs you $300k, you won’t pay closing costs when you buy, but you will when you sell, so that’s $18,000 completely out of pocket.
      5. Loan origination costs — when you take out a mortgage, you’ll pay thousands to the bank that you don’t get back.

      If your mortgage payment for an equivalent place would be equal to or greater than you’re currently paying in rent, really break down what that additional money is getting you. If it’s not going directly onto your mortgage principal, it’s “lost” money just like rent is. Home value appreciation is a myth, in most areas homes really only “appreciate” at about the rate of inflation (at best), so you’re unlikely to make money short term that way, either.

      Especially since you’re already not planning to be in your current place forever, I would avoid buying and just recognize that, whether owning or renting, you’re “wasting” (i.e., spending) money either way.

      1. Rents increase over time. House payments do not. That’s why it generally makes sense.

          2. HAHAHAHA. I’ve owned my house two years. Property taxes have gone up more each year than I ever saw while renting.

        2. This is an incorrect blanket statement, I (and probably many other *rettes) live somewhere with rent control, so I don’t really experience increases, my rent goes up about $20/month each year which is literally 4 lattes. So my rent winds up being much more economical over the long haul when compared to purchasing.

        3. Sure, that’s another factor she should consider. But if she’s looking at being in her home for less than 5 years, the increases in rent still may not overcome the sunk costs of home ownership. It is ultimately a math problem, but my comment was simply to urge her to do that math and to consider some of the factors that can be invisible until you’re well into the process.

        4. Our taxes went up $2000 this year. With the cushion on our mortgage escrow account our payment went up $225 a month. That’s not insignificant! Yes, part of that is due to appreciation but part of that is just due to the fact that my town wants to spend a lot of money on schools. I’m not opposed to it but it’s something that renters do not pay.

          1. Yes, property taxes will go up. In my neighborhood, this has been happening every year. Plus, the OP was talking about a condo with HOA fees. Those will likely go up every year as well, and if the association isn’t in good shape in terms of its reserves, she could be hit with a special assessment at any point in time, in addition to HOA fees.

          2. Renters do pay property taxes though, just indirectly. If a property owner is experiencing an increase in their own costs, of course they find a way to pass that on to renters. Which is why even in rent controlled areas, owners find ways to collect more rent over time. This is a big problem for the elderly on fixed incomes, and is why home ownership is generally considered a smart aspect of financial planning.

          3. LOL of course renters pay property taxes! You think landlords don’t pass on those costs?

      2. Another factor to consider is that a home is an investment, and like all investments can lose value. I personally had a home lose six figures of value due to flooding. Homes are generally perceived as a 100% safe investment that will always gain value over time, but that’s not the case. Again, if you plan to be in your home for the long term, the market price will probably go up on the long-term trend, but short-term perhaps not, and then you’re losing money on the actual value of the home itself, in addition to the costs I described above.

      3. FWIW, we are currently paying PMI and it is not a big deal. It’s under $2k a year and we are almost done with it. Even including PMI, our mortgage is under what we would pay in rent for a similar apartment, only we are building equity.

        1. Same. We bought last year and when we ran the numbers, it was worth it to just put less down and pay PMI, than wait to buy with 20% down.

        2. We also pay PMI and we also do not care. We did tons of calculations when we bought our house last year and there were more reasons to go forward and pay PMI than there were to wait.

          There are tons of blog posts about this and it’s a controversial subject, but there are some folks out there who show calculations that if the house you buy appreciates in value over a certain number of years, paying PMI doesn’t hurt you all that much, especially when the alternative is to continue to rent. Our PMI is ridiculously cheap relative to our PITI – it’s $65 a month included in a $2500 payment, and as of this year our payment doesn’t even take up 20% of our take-home income. We don’t have other debt besides my small student loan and one car payment so…I am not worried about it. You know what I would be worried about? Sinking a bunch of ready cash into a down payment when we’re due for a big dip in the housing market fairly soon. I lived through 2007/2008 and watched people who proudly sunk 20%+ down payments they had scrimped and saved for into houses that then promptly lost hundreds of thousands of dollars in value when the market tanked. Then usually someone lost their job. Guess what you can’t pay bills with when you’re unemployed? Money you sunk into your now-nonexistent home equity. We paid the down payment we could afford and still have money in the bank for emergencies; our LTV isn’t far off 20% but with the coming market downturn we may not hit it for awhile. We’re planning on staying in this house at least 10 years and maybe longer, so if it loses value we won’t have a problem waiting out a market rebound to get our equity back up. (Granted, if that’s not you, you may want to wait.) Pay a reasonable down payment; if that’s not quite 20% pay the PMI until the LTV hits the mark. People act like PMI is the end of the world, and it’s not.

      4. Townhomes will likely have an HOA fee as well, which should be added to the list of “wasted” money. The only “non-wasted” money associated with owning a townhome is what goes to pay off principle each month. This is typically lower in the beginning of paying off the loan. As you own the home longer, the payments shift from being mostly interest to a different mix of interest and principle. Principle payments plus the off-chance that the value of the home increases in the time that you live there.

        1. Sorry, didn’t mean to blatantly copy your comment, but your comment on HOA fees reminded me that that’s another cost to consider!

      5. Thought of another factor I forgot — HOA fees. Those are usually not wrapped into your mortgage and can be $100+ per month of money going into the “black hole.”

      6. If you have excellent credit, you may be able to get a mortgage with a smaller down payment and not have to pay PMI. Navy Federal CU offered no PMI with as low as 5% down for a long time. It’s been a few years since I’ve mortgage-shopped, so I don’t know if that’s still the case.

      7. Unless you can get the seller to cover them (I did for my first house, not my second), you’ll be paying closing costs.

        1. In rereading, I think you meant realtor fees, not closing costs. Realtor fees are huge for sure, but closing costs are separate.

    5. Yes I bought my first home in the Bay Area and only had 10% down so I paid PMI for several years until I had built up some equity, then I refinanced. Totally worth it to me because I’d never have been able to buy otherwise, and my gains in equity more than compensated for it. It’s just one more way the playing field isn’t level for those of us without wealthy parents to bankroll us but what are you gonna do?

    6. We paid PMI on our first home. My experience is tainted, as we purchased in 2007 and immediately lost about 30% of our value and ended up breaking even when we sold (which we had to do for job purposes) in 2011, but that wasn’t the PMI’s fault. It’s frankly a pretty small number and if you’re in a strong market, it’s not a bad decision. Also look around and see if you might qualify for other types of mortgages (VA for instance) which don’t require it.

    7. Map out an actual budget of how much you’d be spending in maintenance and how much of your mortgage payment would be going to interest anyway in the first few years and see if that makes you feel any better about the renting situation, especially if you’re not thinking longterm that you want to stay in your current city. Add in property taxes if applicable and the estimated selling costs you’d have to pay to exit, and especially if it’s only 2-3 years, you might wind up out of pocket the same amount on both ends, depending on the property market movement. Personally, I’m speaking from a place where if we’d bought a year later, then we’d be stuck in our current place and unable to sell into the current market and as it is, we’re probably going to only break even vs. if we’d stuck our down payment in an index fund over the same period. YMMV. I’d probably buy again because we’ve lucked out on maintenance costs and have very low property taxes and renting with a dog in our city would have been annoying, let alone two, but again, it’s not necessarily a “waste” to rent!

      1. +1 to considering maintenance costs. You are looking at replacing the water heater and HVAC within 15 years of when they were installed, and windows, entry doors, and roof within 20 – 30 years after they were last replaced. You will also have to keep the exterior painted or replace vinyl siding, replace or repair damaged exterior trim every couple of years, refinish and eventually replace the deck, have trees removed before (or after!) they fall on your house, replace the fence, replace faulty pipes and electrical wiring, replace all the appliances, refinish or replace flooring, renovate the kitchen and bathrooms, replace light fixtures and faucets, paint walls, etc. etc. etc.

        We have spent so much money keeping our now-30-year-old house from falling apart that maintenance costs have wiped out all the gains from appreciation over the 15 years we’ve owned it. And we still have 30-year-old bathrooms, kitchen, and windows. If we were to fix those, we’d wipe out all the equity gains from paying off the principal over the last 15 years. If I could do it over, I’d just have rented an apartment this whole time.

        1. I feel you, sister, I feel you. We just moved out of a 40-year-old house last year and got criticism for not having replaced the windows (which admittedly needed to be replaced). I wanted to tell people, we would have replaced the windows had we not had to replace the water heater (twice), the roof, the furnace, the air conditioner, the dishwasher (three times), the refrigerator, and the garage door. OH AND ALSO we remodeled two of the three bathrooms, filled in an old pool in the backyard and completely relandscaped the yard, had the house exterior patched and painted and replaced half the fascia board, had the interior of the house painted, had $3000 of electrical and plumbing work done just in the year before we sold, and had six overgrown or dead trees removed over the time that we lived there. The moral of my particular story is, do not buy a fixer-upper house no matter what you do. We would have saved tons of money had we rented instead of buying. We did end up buying a new house that is only 15 years old, and I made darn sure this time that almost everything had already been replaced once, plus the seller did some necessary repairs before closing and we got a home warranty.
          Here’s my big theory: I don’t believe home ownership is going to be a thing very much longer. Maintaining a house has gotten so expensive that most people can’t afford it and still do things like save for retirement, save for college, etc. Some big conglomerate corporation is going to figure out a way to buy up thousands of houses and manage them as rentals and make money at it, and in the future maybe 10% of the population will own and the rest of us will rent. My parents are retired and in a rental in a nice retirement community, and they love it. They pay some stupidly small amount of rent compared to their last house payment and have no maintenance responsibilities whatsoever. I can see the appeal.

    8. I’m always so curious about the view that renting = wasting money. You have to live somewhere. Whether you rent or buy, you’re paying to have a roof over your head. Renting also includes built-in insurance against maintenance and repairs. If you buy, the roof, HVAC, everything is on you. And there’s no guarantee that you’re going to recoup 100% of every dollar you put into the house/mortgage. I’m not necessarily pro-rent or pro-buy, I just think there’s a lot more nuance to the decision to rent or buy.

      1. I think that when you buy a house you likely overbuy b/c the transaction costs are so high (so I’d rent a 1BR b/c I didn’t want to throw away $ renting more space than I truly needed, but I’d buy a 2BR b/c maybe I’d want more space in a few years and resale options seem better and I could get a roommate, but I’d never rent that much space; in the meantime, it costs less to heat/cool a 1BR).

        So there is waste on the buying side in a different way.

    9. I have another comment in mod but separately – make sure you have a good emergency fund before you buy a house. You never know what’s going to go wrong, but something probably will. Just about everyone I know (including me) had some major expense within the first year or two of home ownership. And no, the home inspection won’t catch everything (ahem, anything). If your down payment fund is separate from your emergency fund, then great and feel free to disregard, but don’t be tempted to raid your liquid savings to save PMI or whatever.

    10. I expect to be in my home for a long time, and made a small down payment, so I was looking at paying PMI for a long time and the option of having it removed was remote. My lender recommended LPI, which is tacked on as a small increase in the interest rate. It was much less than PMI and also, since it is viewed as mortgage interest, is treated as such for tax purposes. None of the tax exemptions for mortgages are entirely safe from legislative change, but that one is safer than any benefit for PMI (which I think was a temporary exemption put in place during the mortgage crisis). Overall, my rate with the LPI is still under 4%, so it made sense. Now, I paid a bit too much for my house, so there’s that. I am still better off financially than renting. And happier.

    11. I think it depends so much on whether you’d expect your house to increase in value. We purchased a home and sold it again 2 years later, and made a lot of money from the increase in value. So that made all the additional costs (selling costs, interest, maintenance, improvements) worth it. Could you buy in an area that is likely to improve in value? And improve on the value of the house (dated house, upgrading things)? Or could you keep the house, after you move out and rent it lucratively? I would agree with others that you need to have solid emergency savings, outside the down payments.Something expensive will break and owning a house costs a lot more in maintenance than we expected. I think buying a house can be a great investment and would encourage you to do it, BUT make sure the area is promising and the numbers make sense.

    12. Shop around at different lenders, and see what you can get, look at big banks, credit unions, local banks… We found a lender that waived PMI for doctors (not just MDs) with 10% down, we took that to another lender who offered a lower rate, lower fees and up-front PMI. We took that back to the first lender who basically waived all of their fees and lowered their rate. In my view PMI is a total scam and not for the benefit of consumers, the lenders have a mortgage and that should be sufficient security for their lending if they are being responsible. We would have waited and saved more if PMI was required.
      also removing PMI can be hard, some banks require that you use their appraisers, so you can guess how that goes.

    13. Late reply:
      Read the James Altamucher (sp?) Why I am never going to buy a house again.
      It may provide some insight. Especially the diversity in portfolio component.
      Personally, I’m over 10 Years out in renting, after having owned three different houses for 20+ years. I have never felt freer and for myself and family, it truly is great.

  10. I’ve seen this article being passed around, have others read it? How do you deal with this conflict in your life? I’m neither partnered, nor do I plan on having kids, largely because of this issue, but it still rang very true to me about the burdens of being a woman in any relationship or setting. I wish she went into more detail about what it looked like to negotiate an equal relationship with her partner, and how they made it happen – I want to know how to do that! https://humanparts.medium.com/baby-weight-8c7dcb3986ab?fbclid=IwAR0GVQ0IzCNExs8QKs0LzbJlLf6AbfQYQPYkrjOpZ3cR_euKlVBUGINWHu0

    1. I’ll be honest, I didn’t “negotiate” anything. I found a partner that shared the same values I did, back when we were both ambivalent about having children. We kept those values through the years of our relationship that proceeded having kids, and have kept them after. We haven’t changed who we are. Did parenthood put certain demands on me and not on him? Sure. Did I feel I had just as much right to say “not it” for everything that came after giving birth? Yes. Literally everything she lists in her “Women are not allowed to not be it” paragraph (almost halfway down), I’ve said “not it” to, and the sky hasn’t fallen. Perhaps not every single time, but certainly more than my fair share, whatever that is. Sometimes we take turns, sometimes we don’t. I don’t have words of wisdom for other people, beyond choosing a partner that reflects your values and beliefs, and then sticking to them.

      1. I tend to agree with this. I’ve never been married and don’t have kids, but I think this is an important part of having an equal relationship (insofar as that’s possible, given that the physical burden of babies really falls on the mother).

        I also recall a book by Linda Hirschfield in the 90s (?) saying that women who wanted to keep their careers would have to stop at one child because it wasn’t possible to continue to perform at a high level with more than one kid, and I note that the author says that her problems mostly started after her second child.

        1. I have one child and it was wicked hard (not least because his dad and I divorced when he was six). I can’t imagine doing what I did with more than one.

      2. I agree with this completely. The only parenting thing that DH couldn’t do was breastfeeding, and so he did way more of the housework while I was nursing (did pretty much all the dog walking and cooking). In the early months, he also got up at the night wake-ups and would diaper and hand the baby to me for nursing. Also, breastfeeding is optional.

        I would also add that having your husband take a paternity leave AFTER your maternity leave is a great way to set an equal balance from infancy. When he’s alone all day with the baby, he will have no choice but to figure things out, and that will make him a way more competent, independent parent. A lot of friends’ husbands only took a week or two of paternity leave and took it concurrently with their maternity leave. I had my mom for the first two weeks (which I realize not everyone does) so I told DH to go back to work immediately. He then took his 6 weeks of paternity leave after I went back to work. Most companies do let you split it though, so if he has 6 weeks he could spend a week or two helping while you physically recover and then use the balance later.

      4. I agree. I’ll admit to some luck with having found my husband, but I get sick of these articles blaming society for a relationship problem. Society may predominantly model a certain way to be parents, but whether you follow that model or not is on you.

      5. Yeah I read that part and was like…sorry, that didn’t happen to me. My husband got up in the night when our son was a baby and fed pumped breastmilk and rocked our son back to sleep. He stayed up with him when he was sick. He stayed home with him when he was sick and missed meetings, business trips, etc. as a result, just like I sometimes did. We have traded off doing the drop-off and the pick-up but he’s always done one or the other. He takes him to the doctor, the dentist, the physical therapist, the tutor, etc. just as much as I do. He takes him to his sports practice once a week (I take him the other time) and goes to all the games with me. My husband buys my son’s clothes and usually does the clothes clean-out twice a year. He does his own laundry and before our son could do his own, used to do our son’s laundry too. He cooks 3-4 of our meals each week and cleans the kitchen when I cook. The only thing he doesn’t do is grocery shop (he hates it) but I don’t mind that because he does so many other things. I have a husband but I also have a partner and a co-parent. He pulls his own weight.
        Maybe the key is, I married a guy who really wanted to be a father – not just have kids because he thought he was supposed to or because that’s what people do or because he wanted a trophy or some way to live vicariously. He *wants* to be there for our son. He wants to share the little and the big moments. He wants to have a relationship with our son that is rich and meaningful and persistent. He wants me to be happy, and so he doesn’t dump everything on me. He was raised by a single mom – maybe that means something? He watched her struggle because his dad was not around and didn’t want to see me do that.
        Choosing the right partner is everything, y’all. I know some “married single moms” and I would not trade places with them for anything. If you want to have kids with someone, make sure they want those kids for the right reasons and will commit to really being there, vs. showing up for the Kodak moments.

    2. This is why I am child free. I just will not ruin my life or my relationship for a bill of goods sold to women by society.

      2. I am so grateful that I just don’t desire to have kids. I’m not a person who has had to or will have to weigh the pros and cons and ultimately decide that, while I want kids, the downsides are just too much and I have to miss out on something I’d want. I think that’d be much harder. Just no desire.

        1. Same here. And I’m finally old enough people have mostly stopped saying “oh you’ll change your mind” when I inform them that no, we don’t have kids, and no, we don’t have any intention of having any.

          1. I look younger than I am and it’s fun to reply to those “you have plenty of time to change your mind” comments with “I’m 47”. Jaws drop.

          2. I wish I was old enough for that… the best (read: worst) is when people respond with concern pity to an off-hand, factual statement that I don’t have kids. Like, in the same neutral manner in which I’d tell someone that I’m from Pennsylvania, I’ll mention that I don’t have kids and they’ll say “awww, well don’t worry you still have time.” When did I say I was worried…..? You just assume I’m torn up about my barren womb and singlehood? This was not a cry for help, people.

      3. Yeah, this for me sort of. If both my husband and I didn’t have to work to pay the bills/have a shot at retiring before we are dead, I would be more open to having kids. I don’t get how people have kids with two parents working in professional jobs and maintain their health and sanity, let alone pay for it all and save for retirement.

    3. Good gracious this article makes me want to run for the hills and away from motherhood (I’m childless currently)

    4. I’m no expert, I’m still struggling, but a couple of things that helped:
      1. Marry/ partner with a feminist man

      2. Better yet: Marry/ partner with a feminist man raised by a single, feminist mom

      3. Marry/ partner with a responsibile grown up man who doesn’t need to be told to pay bills or fold the laundry.

      4. Don’t be perfect. I’m not always going to remember that it’s Billy’s birthday on Saturday so we’re both going to have to try to do that and touch base with each other. We’re a team.

      5. Accept that having a more equal parenting relationship comes with a bit of an ego blow. There are days when my kid just straight up wants daddy and not mommy. When mommy sings the songs wrong and cuts the crusts wrong. When his outfit/ haircut/ lunch is not what I’d prefer. It seems minor compared to half of the “baby weight” responsibilities, but imo a lot of moms just don’t want to sometimes be their child’s second choice.

      6. Most controversial and I didn’t do this on purpose: I didn’t bre@stfeed. This meant from day one I was only up for half the night feedings and there was no reason anything had to be done by me and not my husband. Yes, I’ve been called awful things but in the interest of honesty, it really helped set a more equal tone.

      1. +100 on 1-5. On 6, I wanted to BF but DH wanted to do his share so I learned to nurse sidelying. DH took equal turns getting up, he brought me the baby, I nursed (usually barely had to raise my eye mask to latch), and he resettled the baby/changed diapers. We each got up three nights a week and alternated Sunday nights from the very day we came home from the hospital.

      2. I ended up combo feeding thanks to a low supply, but it wound up working out because my husband took the middle of the night feedings/changing sessions so I could sleep. Even before we had kids, he’d be up in the middle of the night due to sleeplessness, so it was natural for him to get up with our baby.

      3. Why the ever-loving (expletive) does it matter whether or not you B-fed? Have you seen the studies? They struggle to disentangle b-feeding from the massive sociological factors that correlate to it – namely, the women who do are usually educated, upper-middle class married suburban moms.

        I wasn’t B-fed at all, but I have a pile of degrees from top universities, am a very good athlete, am stupidly healthy, and have a great husband. I once showed one of those studies to my mom and mock-cried at what she denied me. She laughed.

        1. I’m the anon at 1120. Than you for this. FWIW like you, my little guy seems perfectly healthy smart and fine. But my experience was that other people are really hard on you when you don’t bre@stfeed. Now I could tell them all to buzz off, but three years ago as a new mom with no confidence it was really rough. Family and friends were especially quick to say rude and hurtful things. (that I was a disappointment, that I must not love him, that I lack the education to know better, and a few other things)

          My husband had a theory that it was other moms who were the most cruel because they had bought into this idea that formula was unacceptable and but were secretly struggling too. I know in my heart that formula was the right choice for us, but it’s not something I’ll speak about publicly. I think the push for bre@stfeeding is, to some extent, detrimental to new moms and wrapped up in some pretty sexist garbage about women’s bodies.

          1. a recent epsiode of the freakonomics podcast commented on the lack of scientific evidence that b-feeding itself impacts children. But a lot of people still have Opinions about it, that’s why I’m guessing Anon called it controversial.

          2. I think your husband is right. There are some women who love it, some who need to do it (some of my friends had parents in the military who b-fed, because it was easier than getting formula overseas or travelling and doing the bottle feedings), and some who absolutely struggle.

            My husband is a social science professor and scoffs at the studies. He says they are basically measuring the advantages of having involved, educated parents with a lot of time.

            Power to women who want to go that route, but it’s absolutely minor in the overall scheme of parenting.

      4. Oh, and agreed a million times over on #5. So many of the “baby weight” moms I know ultimately admit, when you really drill down, that they are terrified of not being super-special to their kid.

        Which is weird, because being mom is enough to be irreplaceable – no one is asking for a Stepford parent.

      5. +100 on #5 This is so, so important.
        And related, let go control of the “right” way to do things. Dads will figure it out. One of my friends who is a do-it-all (and then complain about it and husband) mom doesn’t let go of many things because she is a control freak. (“He won’t do it right!”) Including things like – he will forget to give the chopped kids fruit along with their breakfast! And she will chop up the strawberries just so!

      6. I agree with all of this. I opt out of a lot. Yes there are definitely people who judge me but I don’t really care about their opinions. My husband is responsible for certain things and they are solely in his court. I don’t remind him or check his work or whatever. Sometimes that means kid isn’t wearing the special shirt for whatever day and I know the other parents judge me but I have opted out of caring. My mental energy is limited so I’m going to spend it on things that are important to me and not remembering what color shirt kid was supposed to wear or if husband remembered to drop off whatever form. Things work out just fine.

    5. So my husband lost his job when our oldest was a toddler and our second was on the way. He ended up being a SAHD for a few years. I would say we have a pretty equal coparenting relationship now because of that. My kids are teens now. We have definite dividing lines. He makes the dentist appointments. He attends most of the sporting events and takes care of the related paperwork. I deal with medical appointments and therapy for my son.

      I’ve been doing everything related to college for my older child, but only things the parent has to do – honestly because of how they were raised, both kids are pretty self sufficient, and she has done most of the college work herself.

      Most importantly, when one of us thinks things are out of balance we talk about it. My husband does all the laundry and has done so for our entire 20+ year relationship. We’ve tried variations on splitting it up or having each household member do their own, but it went back to him doing it all because he thinks we all do it wrong. :) I was getting resentful about all the cooking, which i had agreed to, but my job got busier and I was feeling unappreciated, so we came up with a schedule of each household member taking over dinner responsibility one night per week and that has stuck. The trade off is that I have to eat sloppy joes or whatever they decide to cook that isn’t necessarily what I’d do, but hey, I’m not cooking dinner!

      Communication is key. And I hate to say it, but scorekeeping is necessary too, because men will generally fall into culturally enforced patterns if you don’t keep talking about who’s doing what.

      I’m still the de-facto house manager, but I make a conscious decision not to re-manger or oversee the stuff that he has taken on.

      1. Ohhh and related to the not-it list in the article. I haaaated PTA meetings. I found the stay at home moms unfriendly at best, snippy and insulting at worst. But I felt guilty not participating. So I asked my husband if he would take it on. He was also working full time my then.

        When he attended PTA meetings, the SAHMs acted like he was a f%^*ing HERO for attending and fawned all over him constantly. And then sometimes he didn’t attend and he felt zero guilt about it. That was really eye opening for me, and helped me realize a lot of the must dos on my list were really not must dos.

        Since then we mostly write a sizeable check to the PTA once a year and call it a day.

    6. I guess I feel lucky. I have 3 children. My husband is a very involved, equal partner. He stayed home when the kids were little. He was raised by a working mother and a retired father so it was normalized for him at a young age to have dad home. (He also comes from a conservative culture where this is not the norm more broadly.) I also found a job as a lawyer that provides a certain amount of flexibility. There is always lots of work to do, but I can take off as needed for school functions, sick kids, and can work from home as needed. When I started my job our division had a majority of women attorneys. We also had a baby boom in our office where 6 of us had babies within about 6 months of each other. It just created this very supportive environment where we all came back to work and most of us are still here a decade later!

      So yes, having children changes your life. Your priorities change drastically. But for me, having a supportive spouse and trusting him enough to handle things and having a flexible job that I really enjoy has made the transition and the subsequent years easier.

      1. +1 My husband does a lot of the parenting and household work, despite working more hours than me, because his mom is (was) a doctor who worked shifts at the hospital, and his dad had a more flexible corporate office job, so it was perfectly normal to him for a dad to be cooking or picking up kids from school etc.
        Agree that it’s important to screen potential partners for this early on!

    7. It’s possible. My husband works full-time and does more than half the housework and probably about half the parenting. I don’t relate to 99% of the husband complaints on the moms page or from my real life friends. He would never leave me alone with the kids all weekend to play golf, or make me do all the night wake-ups with a newborn baby, or act like he’s incapable of cooking dinner or scheduling a play date. I’m not trying to sound smug, I just want to say that an equal parenting situation can exist. I was very aware while dating that I would not marry a man who wouldn’t be an equal partner, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my husband was raised by a full-time working mom who was essentially running the household alone for most of his childhood (his father lived abroad for years at a time and provided nothing to the family except financial support). For most of my friends, the signs that their husbands weren’t equal partners were there all along. They just chose to ignore them for whatever reasons, and having a child (especially two+ children) exacerbated the situation.

      1. +1. I don’t really relate to the article, mostly because I feel like my husband and I have an equal household management and parenting relationship. I don’t feel I need to throw money (not that there is money to throw) at childcare or household problems, neoliberal-feminist-Vanderkam style, apart from the occasional date night sitter or extra pair of hands while one of us travels. Is this generational to some extent? We are in our early/ mid 30s, have two small kids and are at similar stages in our careers.
        But relationships are hard. The signs may be there, but whom you are emotionally attached to is not always a rational thing.
        However, I recognize that I lucked into one big thing: working for a boss who was a single mom with a ‘big job’ when her child was very small. Today she leads a small company that puts its money where its mouth is on inclusion.

    8. Honestly, have a wife not a husband.

      It’s shocking how bad some of my friend’s husbands are. It really seems exhausting to be married to them.

      I honestly find it confusing why some of my female friends stay married, their husbands almost play the role of another child in their family in terms of overall family contribution.

      My marriage is by no means perfect but it’s WAAAAAAAY more even in terms of responsibilities than that of my straight friends.

      1. Honestly, I’m straight but I’m also shocked at what many of my straight friends put up with. I have a friend who has a PhD and works in management at a large tech company (one you’ve heard of) and has two kids, and her husband does nothing. Literally nothing. No daycare drop-offs, no cooking, no middle-of-the-night wakeups, no sick days. He’ll read a book to the kids before bed or whatever and act like he’s done his dad duty. I have no idea why she puts up with this loser. (And no this isn’t a case of this is what works for their family. She’s miserable and complains all the time.)

        1. I am similarly shocked by what some women put up with. I don’t understand why women stay in marriages where their partner isn’t bringing anything to the table

          1. Because if you get divorced you have to give up your kids at least half the time, or more if you have a big job or a job with travel. Which is painful enough if you just don’t want to be married any longer, but if your husband is a real loser it could be downright dangerous to let him have unsupervised parenting time.

          2. At least half the time? Most states give a non-custodial parent every other weekend. I’m the one who posted about my friend. It definitely wouldn’t be dangerous for her husband to be alone with the kids. He’s not abusive, cruel or using substances, he just works a lot has no interest in being with his kids or doing chores because he sees that as the woman’s responsibility. I actually think it would be a wonderful thing for those kids if he were forced to parent every other weekend.

          3. I agree with Anon at 5:41 of course there are women who are in different situations but what I was referring to was the type of relationship where the man just chooses to be useless and not engaged. Honestly, the women would benefit from having some time to themselves and the men/children would benefit from actually spending time together

    9. I can’t relate to the article, because that doesn’t mirror my experience. I have a child and I also have a great job in my field, doing exactly the work I want to do. I have upward mobility and have opportunities. So my experience doesn’t parallel the author’s (which is not saying that I am invalidating the author’s experience).
      Here’s where I think things went differently for me:
      – I married a man who is not useless, but in fact engages actively in parenting and in housework and can not only take care of himself, but take care of our child.
      – I only had one child. Sorry to say but if I had had another child or two, I don’t think my career or life would be where I want it to be. Having one was partly biology and partly choice (I chose not to go through IVF to have another baby, which I would have had to do) but I am not sorry. If another child lived here I think that would probably push me past my limits. I like my job and I like working. I love my husband and I love spending time with him. I love having alone time. I love spending quality time with my son and really connecting with him. It seems like the moms of two and up that I know constantly struggle with work, with their relationship, with their self-care and with spending the time they want to spend with each child. For me, it’s all about knowing your own limits. It’s okay to say no to having kids or to say no to having more than one if that’s not the choice that works for you.

      1. Same here. For me, being a partner in BigLaw works because I have a supportive partner and one child, and while I have plenty of similarly situated colleagues who have more than one child, for me, it would likely exceed my limits. I know what works for my family and for me, and also don’t hesitate to outsource. And it’s still far from easy!

  11. Seeking advice on whether I am being too quick to jump jobs. I’ve been at working in development at a field office of a national nonprofit since January. We’re a small department that has undergone 100% turnover (yes, 100%) since I started and the role that I now find myself in is very different and less enjoyable and challenging than what I applied for and was hired to do. It’s essentially more of a logistics, event planning/engagement, marketing role and not the annual fund/ portfolio management role I signed on for and is just more my skill set. Have had a few conversations with the Exec Director but doesn’t look like my role will be realigning anytime soon.
    Do I need to wait this job out for the full year? Or can I start putting feelers out now to leave maybe August/September? I’m early in my career and was at my last company for almost 4 years so I’m not a serial job hopper. I fear the longer I stay in this event planning and marketing role, the less marketable I will be as an annual fund or major gift candidate.

    1. So literally everyone has left and you’re wondering if it’s ok for you to leave? Of course it is!

    2. Start looking now because it may take you a long time to find something. It sounds like you have an explanation for leaving that doesn’t make out sound unreasonable or flaky, so you should be good there.

    3. Do you have other short stints on your resume or would this be the only one? If this would be the only one I think it would be fine and I think the explanation of “100% turnover + the role changed significantly” would be one prospective employers would understand. You should definitely practice your answer to that question ahead of time.

    4. Also I have observed that in development there is a good amount of job-changing and it seems more normal than in a lot of fields.

  12. How do you style white blazers? My wardrobe is mostly black, navy, and grey neutrals but after hearing them raved about I decided to buy a white blazer. But it’s so far out of my norm that I’m at a loss for styling.

    1. I wear mine over dark sheath dresses to lighten them up for the season. I really like a pop of bright white against pretty much any neutral. Also, paired with dark pants and a jewel tone top.

      1. Oh, and I tend to shy away from white with anything pastel, too light. Reads Easter/churchy to me that way.

      2. This. I think a white blazer paired with dark neutrals, especially black or navy, is a sophisticated look.

      3. Thanks, all, for giving me the courage to try my white blazer with dark neutrals. For some reason it looks funny to my eye but I’m going to give it a try.

    2. I like the white blazer-lighter than pants top-pants combo. by lighter than pants, I mean cornflower blue, lavender, mustard, charcoal grey (either light or dark charcoal), fawn, heather colors, that sort of thing. More saturated color than pastels, but not the same deepness as the bottoms I wear. I would also wear black jeans/navy top/white blazer. Or colored pants.
      I also love a white blazer with a print top/dress. Really cute on the weekend with shorts!

    3. Do you have a print top that can pull it together, with white and black in the pattern?

  13. I’ve been increasingly frustrated with the lopsided division of mental labor and the patterns my husband and I have fallen into. Unfortunately I’m at least 1/2 of the problem – ever since we got married (very young) I have taken on all of the housework and mental labor. That was the family pattern I grew up in and I took pride in handling everything. My husband is a wonderful person and he’s not lazy, but he’s adapted to my over-functioning quite comfortably. We don’t have kids and we both work full time and have other commitments, but I’m also in school and a few of my “pots on the fire” are boiling over – to the point that it’s just become silly for me to keep doing all that I’ve been doing when he’s far less busy right now. After a few frustrated meltdowns, I’ve realized that I helped to create the dynamic I’m frustrated with and I need to figure out how to help change it. We’re talking about it and he’s on board, but a big part of the issue is that he just doesn’t have the mental to do list that I do – he’s fine with cleaning the house, but doesn’t notice when it needs to be cleaned. This is mind boggling to me, but it’s genuinely not malicious and I’m more interested in practical solutions than laying blame or calling him a man child. Has anyone gone through a shift like this? Any tips or words of wisdom?

    1. Seriously you have to show him how you want things done ONCE and then you have to live with it if he doesn’t do things your way. You’re trading being the maid for being the house manager so that’s a slippery slope. Grown adults are capable of figuring out what’s dirty and how to clean it.

      1. Also do not step in and “fix” things he didn’t do your way, and do not take over tasks he neglected to do. Say he is supposed to do his own laundry – do not step in and do it for him when he runs out of clean underwear. Let him suffer the consequences, otherwise he will never change.

        1. That’s great advice. Love the maid to house manager phrase. Going to make that my mantra next time I’m tempted to step in and fill the gaps!

          1. I’d move that phrase from “house manager” to “co-manager.” You and your husband together are now managing the house. That’s going to be both easier and harder than you’ve had it in the past. Easier because you won’t be doing all the work. Harder because you won’t be making all the decisions on your own, you won’t be getting everything done the way you like it and on your schedule, and your co-manager won’t be very good at his job to start with and you’ll be tempted to become his manager.

          3. Agree. When I said going from maid to house manager, I wasn’t saying that like it’s a good thing! You really want to avoid being the sole house manager because then your husband just becomes a grumpy, resentful employee. You need to transition to an equal, adult relationship.

    2. Does he truly not notice, or is he just comfortable with a different level of cleanliness than you? After nearly 20 years together, I realize that my husband just truly doesn’t care about the level of cleanliness as much as me. Crumbs on the counter or floor just do not rise to the level of bothering him. He’ll do the dishes, but just totally look past the counter.

      1. Haha this is my husband, too. Which is fine because OMG he cooked AND he did the dishes. I am more than happy to clean the counter!

    3. The first step is to let him in on how much you’re doing. So much of this is invisible labor, he’s not going to know what goes into maintaining a home unless you tell him.

      It also sounds like you’re a clean-as-you-go person while he’s sort of blind to mess. I’m more like your DH and I function on a schedule (clean-as-you-go stresses me out). For 15 minutes before bed every night – pick up living room, load dishwasher. While coffee is brewing – unload dishwasher. Sunday morning – do laundry. Etc. Left to my own devices, I will never “see” the dirty glass sitting on the coffee table, or the dirty dishes in the sink, and I definitely won’t see the clean dishes sitting in the dishwasher or the dirty laundry in the hamper. But I know these things need to be done at these times, so I do them. Maybe DH can establish his own schedule for tasks like this.

      2. +1 – I’m not an especially clean person myself, so when my husband and I moved in together, we literally created a google sheets chart of what needs to be done and how often, and then divided up who was responsible for what.

    4. Purely on the cleaning front–my partner and I had a pretty similar situation when we moved in together. We had a couple of big blowups about emotional labor with the classic “I shouldn’t have to TELL you when the bathroom is dirty! Just f**cking NOTICE!”

      The end result is that we determined a mutually-agreeable schedule for how often he would clean the bathroom, do general-purpose laundry (sheets, towels, etc.), and wash the dishes. Basically the “you’re cleaning the bathroom every other week, whether it needs it or not” solution. He always had the skills (bless my in-laws, they were not there to raise man-children); he was always willing to pitch in (again, shout-out to my self-employed work-from-home FIL who did most of the cooking, cleaning, and childcare after MIL went back to work); it was just figuring out how to actualize it. And after two-ish years, he’s gotten a lot more proactive about house stuff, I think both because he sees how much I appreciate it, and because he’s started to appreciate having a tidier space for its own sake. I will always be the neat freak out of the two of us, but we’ve figured out a way to make it work.

    5. Can you hire out housecleaning? IMO it’s some of the best money you can spend for relationship and household happiness.

    6. A- stop cleaning after him like a maid
      B- remind him he’s an adult man who can google “house cleaning routine”
      C- tell him you don’t want to mommy or nag him, you want him to figure it out
      D- stop cleaning after him like a maid

    7. SIt down and make a list and negotiate? We have biweekly cleaners but in between we each have specific jobs on a specific schedule. DH would change the sheets every three weeks and I liked them changed weekly so that’s my job. He wants the main floor vacuum every night and I think every couple days is fine so vacuuming is his job. etc etc.

    8. I am the messier one in our marriage – mess and clutter doesn’t bother me as much as it bothers my husband. He was getting resentful because he felt like he was doing all the cleaning and laundry and yard work and tidying. He is also a stress cleaner, so that would cause a lot of tension. Things that have helped:
      1) hiring someone to come clean the house twice a month.
      2) having him be specific with me about what are the areas that bother him the most so I can make sure that gets attention even when it doesn’t bother me. For him, it was the kitchen counters not being clear in the morning for coffee/lunch/breakfast prep, and the foyer being cluttered. So now before bed, I make sure that the area in front of the coffee maker is clear, and that the shoes and bags in the foyer are put away.
      3) communicating and managing expectations- ie he tells me when he puts laundry in and asks me to flip it ( usually he will tell me and text me- which he hates doing, but I don’t have the bandwidth in the morning to remember these tasks so it is better this way). If I do get to something, I will text him ie “swept the kitchen this morning.” It helps correct the narrative in his head that he is the only one doing housework. Similarly, If I don’t get to something, i tell him. Stuff as mundane as “I didn’t get a chance to take those Amazon boxes to recycling so they are still in the living room.” Or “There will be dirty dishes in the sink when you get home.” Then he knows what to expect. (For a while I had a calendar reminder at 2pm everyday to tell him the state of the kitchen since he is usually the one who makes dinner every night.) This last point seems super micromanaging on his part, but I found that it helps with his anxiety levels when he comes home in the evenings.
      4) on his part, I think he has learned to care less- with two small kids, he is resigned that there will always be toys and art supplies in his way.

      1. Open communicating (before the melt-down) is so helpful, and it sounds like your husband doesn’t need convincing. You are on the same team! Just talking about resentment building up is a very good start. I’ve literally said “I have the feeling that I am doing the majority of the housework” and was surprised to hear that he also felt like HE was doing more. For a while we did some tongue-in-cheek scorekeeping to show each other how terribly much we were both doing.
        Splitting chores worked for us, so I haven’t done laundry in years, but I do almost all the cooking. I think I would do a better job doing the dishes that he does, but I prefer not having to do them (arriving at this point was a journey, with lots of unlearning thinking patterns that I got from my parents).
        I’ve also explained the concept of emotional labor to my husband (hey, I can’t expect the google filterbubble to show feminist content to a man), including this comic https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/ and I really feel that he tries hard to contribute in this department as well.

    9. One small note of push back – unless your are the person doing the task you do not get to unilaterally dictate the task and how/when it is done (unless it involves safety and then go for it.)

      You should figure out a joint level of “done” for any given task and then be generous with each other when either of you misses that mark (assuming that you are both working diligently and making a good faith effort to complete the task to the agree upon level.)

      I am married to a woman who due to job differences took the longer maternity leave and therefore established the napping routines, etc. When i would do nap on the weekends she would hover over correcting all of my “issues” moving the blankets an inch to the left, adjusting the sound machine, etc. It was incredibly frustrating. I was doing fine, none of the things she said were “wrong” were actually harmful for the kid or really actually all that wrong.

      We’ve reached a good stasis point now on most things (frankly much more equal than my straight friends’ marriages) but we don’t do any one task in identical ways but we both reach similar outcomes and that;s what’s important.

      1. I work in an industry that is heavily regulated and the regulator imposes a minimum level of safe outcome but does not require the dictate the means and methods used to achieve that standard as long they fall within general guidelines.

        I take the same philosophy with my family.

    10. I went through this with my well-meaning but completely oblivious husband. We sat down and figured out who would manage what and then it is their job to manage it, and we talked about how each thing would be managed. He manages his own laundry, trash, recycling, dishes, being my sous-chef on request, picking up his own belongings and putting them away, and some other stuff. We set reasonable standards on when the recycling need to go out (i.e., when the bin is full, not when the mountain on top of the bin collapses – his prior standard) and when dishes need to be done (load at least one a day unless swamped with work, not when there are no more forks and we are drinking water out of measuring cups and rice bowls – yeah that used to happen!). I also compromised on how or how often I’d like things done, because so did he. The happy medium is working well.

    11. Drop the Ball by Tiffani Dufu is right on target for this situation. Read it. It’s really good. I think you’ll find it to be super helpful.

  14. Menu ideas for a casual outdoor dinner for 6? I was thinking taco bar, but since we’ll be outside (without as much surface area as inside) I’m not sure about having so many bowls, etc. with the different ingredients.

    1. We regularly make homemade pizza and cook on the grill – it’s easy, and you can serve on cutting boards casually

    2. We like to do grilled chicken or fish and veggie kebobs and/or grilled corn. Sometimes with another side like pasta salad. We also do grilled pineapple and peaches with ice cream for dessert. Basically just grill everything haha!

  15. Curious — there have been some discussions lately re the demographics of this board, so I’m curious — how many people here are religious in the traditional sense? As in believing that a higher power is in control, praying for that job you want, not doing things because you know it’s against your faith, seeking forgiveness when you do things against such faith? Just curious – not judging either way and I think this board has a range of locations/ages so it’d be interesting to see how people view this.

    1. Idk how many or what you consider traditionally religious, but I attend my episcopal church most Sundays and pray often.

    2. *Raises hand* Believe in a higher power, pray regularly. Less so on the moral decision-making and “asking forgiveness” being explicitly tied to my faith — that more comes from an internal moral code that doubtless was formed by growing up with religion, but I don’t believe “XYZ is wrong because my faith decrees it is wrong.” It’s more just, XYZ is wrong (or right) because it is. And I don’t ask God for forgiveness for “sins,” but if there things I’ve done that I see as immoral or want to correct, I’ll pray for help to do better next time.

    3. Very controversial topic. I grew up in a society that focuses a lot more on the ritual rather than the spiritual aspect of faith. I went through phases and where I am now is: I believe that there is something bigger than me because it’s my lazy way of not having to justify every single thing that happens. I believe in being a good person but my moral compass is not steered by fear of hell or another form of retaliation. I look at the stories in the 3 abrahamic books that I was exposed to as creation myths similar to what you’d find in many cultures, some might be based on altered truths. I also believe in keeping my thoughts private because the last thing I want is to start a confrontation about who was the right successor of some person who died fourteen centuries ago, or whether it makes sense that god impregnated a mortal and the child is also a god, or even the concept of a god creating so much pain when they could have still entertained themselves otherwise… too many questions, too many opportunities to hurt someone who is otherwise happy in their life. So I have accepted to just take some parts for granted as long as it doesn’t mean I dictate what someone else should do with their life

    4. I’m a vegan, feminist, atheist, social scientist with a “save the world” job. So I consider myself to be very moral, but to most religious people think I’m the anti-christ.

      1. Eyeroll. Nope. Certainly not to me! Her question was “how many of you are religious” not “pls chime in with random other complaints.”

        1. You’re not going to get a feel for now what proportion of the readership is religious if only religious people reply. Ideally you want both to reply.

      2. I’m also a moral atheist and am disgusted by what the religious right thinks is ok from a political standpoint.

      4. You must know some pretty crummy reiglious people then. There’s nothing wrong with being an atheist or vegan or feminist in the eyes of many Christians. Please don’t allow the religious right and Evangelical ‘christians’ to color your view of religious people.

        FWIW – my minister and her wife are both vegan feminists. I attend a mainstream church in Canada (United). Another mainstream church (Anglican) is also permitting same sex marriage starting next year I think. I wouldn’t attend a church that did not allow women to minister.

    5. Believe in a higher power for sure. Everything else less so. Last time I prayed was to know the right thing to say to my very distressed husband as we waited for the plumber at 9 pm, but I don’t pray regularly or for forgiveness or to have a relationship with God, whatever that might mean. I was raised by a skeptical but moral father and a religious-ish mother among relatives who are Super Evangelical Christian, and I dislike so much of the material that surrounds Christianity today because it’s so, so inane. So repetitive and bland and doesn’t seem to really have that much to say. I was married in the Catholic church (husband grew up Catholic) and when the priest had to ask me if I were a Christian, I couldn’t honestly say yes, even though I believe in God, know the Bible fairly well, and pray in earnest sometimes. I think it’s because it’s just not a part of my daily life or thoughts, and I don’t want to say that I am one if I don’t actively try to behave like one (I might have an unrealistic expectation of how Christians behave based on all the related material I ingested in my younger years, either from said relatives or from the Lutheran school I was sent to for a while). I try to do the right thing, but I also try to have a happy life, and sometimes that means I yell at my husband instead of taking a loving wifely tone and turning the other cheek or whatever.

      A lot of what I believe comes from Madeleine L’Engle (in case you can’t tell), but again, it’s just not really on my mind that much. Life gets in the way.

      1. Oh hey, you do realize “Christians” are a massive and extremely diverse group right?

    7. To me having a moral code and being a good person (which I’d venture to guess most here are) is not the same as being traditionally religious. Traditionally religious is – I fast on x day or ask forgiveness once a month or 100 times/day or I read x prayer on Fridays – because faith (or a holy book) say I must do those things. I kind of wonder how many smart, successful, financially comfortable women posting here operate that way.

      1. I’m smart, successful, financially comfortable, very educated, and I fast and pray. I do not do it because “a holy book” “say(s) that I must do those things:” I fast and pray because I love God and *choose* to thank my creator for the multitude of gifts I have been given, to ask for wisdom, to ask for help, to put aside my selfishness on a regular basis to remember the tremendous gifts I have been given.

        It blows my mind that being given *more* apparently entitles you to be *less* thankful.

        1. I live very much like you and I don’t believe that there’s an inverse relationship between wealth/education and faith but that’s what I’ve seen IRL. In my very liberal DC bubble most ladies act like — oh it’s only less educated/dumber people believing in those things because they don’t know how to go out and attain success like I did . . . .

          1. I know what you’re talking about.

            A lot of very religious people measure success differently. They are happy in easier jobs that enable them to spend quality time with their kids and spouses. They don’t want to join the rat race on the Acela corridor.

            But some of it is also a bit of – it’s easier to “sacrifice” a good career if you never were into it in the first place.

    8. I am ethnically half-Jewish (raised with both holidays), my DH is ethnically fully Jewish, but all four grandparents are atheist/agnostic and neither of us is religious. We plan to raise our kids with Jewish holidays only, but realistically that just means Hanukkah and sometimes traveling to his mom’s family’s Passover gathering when time/money allows.

    9. I consider myself religious (Hindu). I strongly believe in God and attribute much of our good fortune to Her/Him. I believe in karma and the idea that our good actions will have positive repercussions in this life and the next life. We believe in ahimsa (non-violence) against all of God’s creatures, which for us translates into being vegetarian.

      On a more pragmatic level — Our kids go to religious school every week, we do bedtime prayers with the kids (not consistently unfortunately). I pray before a big assignment at work, and usually try and remember to pray and thank God when something has gone well. I meditate when I can.

      I find a lot of solace and comfort in my faith.

      1. I love how you said Her. Not Hindu, but when I visited India back in my early 20s, I ended up going during Navaratri (9 night festival worshipping the Goddess). It was inspiring to see so much devotion to a female deity. So refreshing.

      2. Another Hindu. Don’t pray often or do frequent Temple visits but believe in God whether that’s male or female manifestation. Come to think of it, our main idol is the Goddess! We’re vegetarian because we were raised that way ….to not hurt other creatures if we could help it. Not a judgement on anyone.

        I believe that all my actions have a reward or penalty, as the case may be.
        That said, I’m also perfectly happy praying churches or other religious places.

    10. Personally very religious in the sense you describe above (I believe, I practice my faith, it shapes my behavior, and I try to repent/atone when I’ve violated that code), although the substance of my beliefs would probably be viewed as nontraditional by many on both ends of the spectrum (Christian, but my politics and interpretation of Christ’s message are too progressive for conservatives and my belief in the supernatural is uncomfortable for many liberals…).

    11. As a practicing Eastern Orthodox Christian I definitely consider myself traditionally religious. I believe in God, attend church regularly, pray, fast to the best of my ability, had my kids baptized as infants and send them to Sunday school and a religious private school. In terms of doing or not doing things because it’s against my faith… definitely, although that is not the language I would use. (On a deadline today and replying for demographic purposes, not to start an argument ;) )

    12. I am a regular church-goer (progressive mainline Protestant Christian denomination) and donate weekly. We attend as a family. However, I would not say I hold traditional religious beliefs – I have a rough belief in God, but am pretty skeptical of the power of prayer, God working in the world, etc. I believe strongly in the importance of the local church as community, the larger church as an organized force for social justice, and appreciate particularly that my church is actively teaching a message of God’s inclusivity and welcome (our church is especially strong on LGBTQ and immigrant rights being preached from the pulpit), and our role as God’s hands in making our world a better place. I love that my child is hearing these messages every week, growing up with a gay pastor and seeing people of all ages, genders, races, and abilities active in church and worship leadership. Luckily, a steadfast and unwavering faith is not a requirement to attend church or to consider oneself a Christian, so here I am :)

    13. I try to live according to the example and teachings of Christ. In my southern city, this is not compatible with the local Protestant churches.

    14. Catholic. I don’t let the church tell me what to believe (and I don’t think it’s important or even good for religious communities to coalesce around conformity of belief). I don’t trust the church with my money.

      But there are some outlooks that I share. It’s possible to be evil, and the need for justice is visceral. Suffering is bad, but there are also better things than happiness and comfort (I lean towards Epicureanism but live with chronic illness, so this one is important for me). Death is unnatural, and unless there’s a resurrection of the dead, Christianity is for fools. Cathedrals are worthy of generations of voluntary labor and donation.

      On the other hand, I don’t really think conversion is important. I don’t think anyone is benighted or worse off for not being Christian or that everyone should convert. (I’d prefer a truly diverse and inclusive Catholicism, but I think it would be unrecognizable from what we have today.) I think there’s a lot of serious prejudice against non-sedentists in organized religion, and that Catholicism in particular wrongly elevates the values of property owning agriculturists into moral imperatives (slandering many people who are disadvantaged today, as well as literally all of our ancestors, which offends me). I don’t think the man/animal distinction is all that Catholicism makes it out to be. Whatever they claim, I don’t believe the church has ever taken evolutionary history seriously (it seems clear to me that God cares a lot more about dinosaurs than the typical Catholic does). (And then I think their bioethics are a joke, their political positions are cruel and dangerous, the leaders are predators, etc.; in general, I would really like to see Roman Catholics cede control to another rite.)

      1. I was trying to understand your comment with an open mind but I don’t understand what you mean about death being unnatural.

        1. It’s just Catholic teaching (the soul is immortal, but dualism is wrong, so the body is immortal, so death isn’t the release of the immortal soul from the mortal body, but the unnatural separation of body and soul). I think Christians in general believe that death is not original to creation (Paul calls it an “enemy”).

          1. Hmm
            So my experiences with my mother and grandmother, both Catholic, is that they were both terrified of death. My grandmother specifically said she was worried to meet her maker with sin on her soul (and this was a devout woman, I can only imagine her sins were like thinking bad thoughts or whatever)

            On the other hand, my in-laws are born-again Christians, I don’t know what denomination but not catholic and the kind of thing where you spend a lot of time at a mega church and you thrown away your rock albums) and they’re always talking about death being so awesome and going to be with Jesus etc. So when my mom died and they were like “YAY! How wonderful” I was both confused and annoyed.

    15. Catholic here. Trying, but sometimes failing, to let the dogma live loudly within me :)

    16. Atheist and I view religion as actively harmful. I went to a Christian preschool and Bible camp, but my family is not religious (they were conveniently located and probably cheap). My parents are probably agnostic.

      1. Agree completely with the “actively harmful” part. Many many historical examples, and as for what’s going on these days–oy!

    17. Atheist, raised Protestant.

      I was very active in church as a kid/adolescent, but left after a Sunday school lesson that women should submit to their husbands. They were very clear that they wanted women to actually submit to their husbands and that husbands had no reciprocal obligation to submit. Not for me.

      I miss the ritual and community of religion.

    18. Jews dont ask god for forgiveness the way christians do – you have to be forgiven by the person first before god is involved, if at all. FYI. the phrasing of this is very christian centric which im sure is unintentional but thought it was worth pointing out this difference. not all religions place god at the center of their theology in the way christianity does, judaism (and to the extent i understand it, islam) have community and family as the basic building block of their religion, not the individuals relationship with a higher power.

    19. I am a Hindu and I consider myself religious. I pray almost everyday to my favorite deity and visit the temple of the deity every time I visit India. I have prayed for a job, for a good partner and what not.I have not studied any Hindu religious books. So I cannot say what what is right/wrong in my faith. (Moreover Hinduism has heavy focus on attaining liberation from cycle of birth and death, and doesn’t prescribe any set in stone rules to follow). My decision of what is right/wrong comes from my consciousness. I have asked for forgiveness mainly from the person who I think I have wronged. However, I have derived the strength/humility to ask for forgiveness from prayer. Also, I believe in Karma, it kind of forces me to be conscious of my actions.

      I have been always curious about God/Karma/Liberation (Religion is man made), so I have been an atheist, agnostic and for lack of the better word, a believer. As I get older (I am 35 now), I have a better understanding
      of all these concepts. I want to my prayers to be of absolute devotion and surrender to God and less about asking for things. But I have a long way to go.

    20. I waiver on this. I definitely believe in a higher power/pray and love *some* of the ritual/community aspects of my religion (Catholic). But I also take deep issue with how the church has handled a bunch of social issues. I’d drifted pretty far away from the church pre Francis and am on board more with him at the helm but I still struggle with the “organized” part of the religion and how form is often emphasized over substance. I can not understand Catholics who abide by no birth control but are fine with the treatment of immigrant children at the boarder for example.

      2. I definitely struggle with the political corruption and twisted priorities of organized religion.

        I’ve had people in my life get caught up in other sorts of spiritual groups, and I am not sure about that either. At least major world religions have had to accommodate some difference. Some groups end up being all about one living leader, or just one fringe community. (No, I don’t know anyone in NXIVM, but you get the idea.)

    21. I’m definitely not religious. I’m not sure if i am agnostic or atheist, but leaning more towards the latter as I get older and more disillusioned, and the world seems to be getting worse and worse. I was raised going to church every Sunday (no choice) and went to Catholic school, but I never really believed in the tenants of Christianity. It tried to believe for years, and couldn’t and felt guilty about it.

      My husband grew up in a country where religious people are persecuted. His parents were executed for practicing Christianity. He is definitely an atheist.

  16. Ugh moderation is SO. SLOW. It really cripples conversation. Can we please get an update on this issue?

  17. I’m a lawyer who is currently considering applying for what I would have described as my dream job. I work at a firm, am probably 73% miserable at this place. This job would be a move out of litigation at an NGO that has a mission that I really care about.

    But it’s a significant paycut. I’m just having a hard time getting my head around it

    I could really use a pep talk/advice/commiseration/tough love. Thanks all

    1. Apply! See if you get the job before mentally rejecting it. See what the comp actually is. See if you even like it after an interview.

    2. What’s the harm in APPLYING? You haven’t gotten anything. If you get it, you don’t have to take it if it isn’t right. But how will you ever explore anything new where you could be 73% less miserable if you don’t apply.

      Is money an issue? Can you handle a pay cut?

    3. 100% apply then evaluate. Say you don’t get it, then you don’t have to make the tough decision, OR wonder “what if.”

    4. I did this last year and took a 27% paycut. It was worth it, and I’d do it again every day of the week. My thought was that I knew I was miserable at the firm, so what was the harm in trying something else? I knew I could get a job at a similar firm if I hated the paycut and non profit world. There’s truly no harm in applying!

    5. OP here.

      You are all right – I should apply. For some reason, the money you make at a firm has messed with my head – it’s almost like it’s the only way to measure success and taking a step back seems daunting. Things would definitely be really tight if I happened to get this job but I could survive.

      I may not even get the job but I am going to apply and see what happens. Thanks all!

      1. I went through this recently. I was working in IP lit in biglaw, and applied for and got what I thought was my dream job doing civil rights litigation. But the pay ended up being much worse than I anticipated – more than an 80% pay cut (i.e. my salary would have been less than 20% of what I made at a large firm). It was not realistic for my family. I was sad, but it made me consider other options and was a blessing in disguise. I found a small firm focused on IP lit that paid abut 75% of biglaw – it gives me the opportunity to work with inventors and small companies to assert their IP (versus defending mega corporations) and my hours/co-workers/type of work I do is MUCH better.

        A bit fo stream of consciousness, but my point is be open-minded to other opportunities too.

  18. OP here.

    You are all right – I should apply. For some reason, the money you make at a firm has messed with my head – it’s almost like it’s the only way to measure success and taking a step back seems daunting. Things would definitely be really tight if I happened to get this job but I could survive.

    I may not even get the job but I am going to apply and see what happens. Thanks all!

  19. I have perioral dermatitis/rosacea. I am frustrated with my tooth care options for this, as I would like my teeth fairly white. Is charcoal toothpaste a good option for this, and is it safe to use in general? Charcoal toothpaste enthusiasts who don’t have skin issues like me are welcome to weigh in. Thanks.

    1. Can you say more about your lack of tooth care options? No one has told me to avoid any dental care products, and now I’m wondering if I need to!

      1. I was using Arm and Hammer because it was the only one that didn’t give me big bumps on my chin or around my mouth, but I noticed when I have gotten sick and couldn’t brush my teeth that my rosacea on the sides of my face went away. I’ve tried using Jason but it made my teeth brown.

    2. I have the same skin issues and have been using certain ProNamel brand toothpastes because they are SLS free. Is SLS your concern?

      1. I’m not exactly sure what ingredient is triggering my issues. I noticed, as I said above, that the baking soda toothpaste was the best for keeping the frontal chin bumps at bay…but it appears to be causing the rosacea on the sides of my face.

        Is there some kind of new toothbrush or something that I can use in conjunction with these lame toothpastes to get my teeth clean and prevent these rashes?

        1. I think you just need to avoid SLS. I would think you could try bleaching trays or bleaching strips and see whether they irritate you.

          1. I always hated bleaching, because it left ugly striations in your teeth and didn’t really clean them. Maybe the technology now is better.

    3. I think the general consensus is that charcoal toothpastes and any other type of beauty products don’t actually do much. It’s just a gimmick.

    4. Charcoal toothpaste can be too abrasive and can ruin the enamel on your teeth. It can make your teeth whiter, but the reason why it may be is that it’s removing enamel/exposing dentin.

    5. I have had the same combination of rosacea and perioral dermatitis, and I have had luck with using non-fluoride toothpaste. The best one for me has been the Kingfisher fennel toothpaste without fluoride.

      I would prefer fluoride, but for me that seemed to be a trigger. I have been gradually trying to get back to fluoride toothpaste, and Zendium (regular, no whitening) works okay and does not prolong outbreaks for me.

      I avoid all whitening toothpastes, and all «total», «complete» etc. Have gotten new outbreaks immediately when trying even simple ones. I do not trust the abrasive ones, charcoal included.
      I’m not from the US so the level of whiteness ideal teeth have is not so blinding.

  20. Any suggestions for moderately priced love seats? I’m looking for something 70-75″ long roughly. My plan was to order something from west elm but reviews about how poorly they wear have me second guessing

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