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Are you heading back into the office, trying to look professional, but desperately missing your soft pants? Join the club.
While I’ve found a number of work pants that are stretchy enough that I can pretend to be in leggings, this ponte skirt from Ann Taylor is the closest I’ve found in skirt form. The waistband is elastic, and the ponte fabric is very thick but still has 4% elastic for a bit of stretch.
The navy version is going to be one of my go-tos for this spring and summer.
The skirt is $69 and available in regular sizes 00–18 and petite sizes 00–16. It also comes in black.
For a ponte pencil skirt in plus sizes, try this style from Old Navy; it's available in gray and black and is $32.99 with 25% taken off at checkout.
Some of our favorite work skirts of 2024 include classic pencil skirts like those from J.Crew,* Ann Taylor, Black Halo, Calvin Klein, Theory, and this Amazon seller) — but see the full post for all of the trendy styles also! (Also: readers love these slip shorts for comfort with bare legs!)
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I’m doing a second interview in the next few weeks with a firm that I think would be a great fit for me. I have already asked some questions, and have a few more planned, but if you have lateralled as a partner (in my case, as an income partner), are there any questions that you asked that you think were particularly valuable? Any words of wisdom? Thanks!
Anonymous
I would want to know the path to equity partner. Is it up or out? Will you still get raises and bonuses even if you don’t meet the origination requirements to be eligible for equity partnership? A lot of income partners tend to stagnate, I would want to know that’s not going to happen to me.
anon
I have a house under contract that I love that’s still within its option period, but it may have some issues and I’m thinking about letting it go. It’s in Houston, 3 years old, and there are 3 things that individually probably aren’t a problem but together make me wonder what other unpleasant surprises I might have if I buy it. So (1) sellers disclosure noted that there was some issue with the roof leaking in the first year and it has been replaced and totally fine since. (2) the foundation is ~1.5″ higher in one corner of the house due to poor drainage that’s easily solvable and will return to more or less level when the very simple drainage issue gets fixed. we had 3 foundation specialists come out and say there’s no need for remediation/ the level of unevenness isn’t hugely outside of acceptable bounds. (3) we did a stucco inspection that revealed 30-40k worth of repairs needed. Haven’t got the report yet but the hypothesis is that it wasn’t sealed properly.
If we continue with this sale, the sellers will cover all costs to fix stuff that’s needed so I’m less concerned about the price tag. These are just… really alarming issues especially in such a new house. I’m wondering if this is reflective of the builder cutting corners or just not being very good or if I’m being paranoid. I also know that a lot of foundation and moisture issues in Houston are common and so this is just different to what I’m used to on the east coast. but I also know that the lack of regulations in TX means there’s a lot of shoddy work and I’m trying to figure out if that’s what I’m walking into. This will be my 3rd time buying a house, but my first in Texas.
Sorry for the novel, but any thoughts would be helpful.
CountC
I have purchased two houses and none of those issues would bother me if the seller’s are going to fix them pre-closing at their cost.
My first house had a roof leak right after the rennovations because a seal around some vent wasn’t done properly. The contractor fixed it and I never had a problem again in 10 years. I have worked with foundation specialists to assess cracks in the foundation of my current house – they said it wasn’t anything to be concerned witih and I trusted them. No issues thus far and I don’t expect there to be any major ones going forward other than usual house stuff. The third one got me only because of the crazy high remediation costs, but if the seller is going to fix it, I would be fine with that one too.
FWIW, my current house had $7k worth of mold remediation that needed to be done in the basement (as well as a a decently long inspection punch list). The sellers were flippers who made it a PITA to get everything fixed on their dime, but they eventually did it (had to withhold proceeds, but whatever). My point is, buying a house is never a perfect process. If the seller wouldn’t fix the issues I would for sure walk, but in this case, I would move forward with the sale.
CountC
Sorry, I didn’t mean to come off as condescending! I read too fast and didn’t see that you already had purchased other houses.
anon
Thanks. I have a strong bias toward buying new/newer properties to avoid paying for repairs. My my other two houses were both gutted and rebuilt when I bought them, and part of what appealed to me about this one is that is still fairly new so I wouldn’t expect any major repairs for some time. Like if it were an older home and I knew the likelihood of issues was higher, I’d just take it more as a given. Neither of you seems to think that all these things together in a recent construction could point to poor craftsmanship and some unexpected surprises later though. Why is that? I can’t tell if I’m being prudent or paranoid.
Anonymous
Because no house is perfect. Even new construction often has some issue or other and here they are fixing the issues.
CountC
+1 Because I worked in real estate and I know first-had that most mass production builders do work too quickly to be perfect and take shortcuts. It’s just reality IME. There will always be issues and the sellers are fixing them in this case. I’m not at all surprised that a newer house has issues. I’d be more concerned if your inspection turned up no issues, tbh.
Anon
I think it depends more on what you want to fix with old v new – I like older homes because the bones tend to be better/stronger and fixes are more cosmetic. I’m on house 4 (3 of 4 were old, those 3 renovated, 2 I oversaw myself) and of them I by far had the most issues with the new house. All of it was things the original contractor screwed up and was a lot more of a pain than anything with the old homes (IMHO) and I’ve never seen construction defect type issues in older places to that degree.
Anon
Why on earth is this isn’t moderation?
Anon
*in. My comment is basically I’ve had old and new homes and far fewer major issues with old ones. Depends on what you want to fix.
Anon
I think you’re right to be concerned – a lot of the problems are fixed, but that’s a lot of big problems (esp #1 and 3) in a new house, and it means that large portions of the original work were done poorly. Do you know why the current owner is selling? Do you get the vibe that they think this house is just a lemon and they’re cutting their losses?
Anon
How is #1 a problem? They literally fixed it already. And frankly much better to catch a leak within the house’s first year so it doesn’t cause widespread damange.
CountC
Anecdata – that house with the seal/leak issue was a 1906 frame/base that was totally gutted as well. It still had the occaisional issue! My currennt 1950s era house that was flipped within the last two years – issues! The flippers were $hitty dudes, and I recognized that, but was able to get my deal breakers fixed and sucked up the rest of it because the market here was crazy and I couldn’t find anything else and was about to not have a place to live. It’s been fine.
Anon3
Welcome to homeownership. Every home will come with an unpleasant surprises along the way. I think that because you don’t have to pay for these repairs, then it’s probably just fine. FWIF, #1 doesn’t concern me at all – it’s fixed.
The newness is the only odd thing that I can’t comment on. I’m in the northeast and homes are generally old so these kinds of things are fully expected. Maybe someone else in a market with more new-build homes can comment if this is concerning in the context of the young age of the home.
Anon
so i also live in Houston, from the east coast and am currently searching for a house. Your issue #2 is why i don’t want to buy brand new construction bc houses take time to settle, which can lead to issues like the one this house has, but as you noted it’s fixable and someone else had a few years to deal with the new house problems. So that to me wouldn’t be a turn off. Your issue #3, is why i personally don’t want to buy a stucco house bc they require more maintenance than brick, but sooo many homes here are stucco. apparently not all stucco is created equal and the sealing is important. I’ve never bought a house before so I don’t know if those are issues worth walking away from, but I do know that the type of issues that come up in an inspection in Houston tend to be different than other places due to the weather
as an aside- if you haven’t gotten your vaccine yet, happy to share some tips for how to get a slot
Anon
The stucco issue is a red flag. There are many, many problems here on the east coast with improperly done stucco on new construction homes over the last 20-30 years. Some houses in neighborhoods near me needed to be remediated multiple times. It might not have the same stigma down there but it seems like a lot wasn’t done right when building the house so unless you really love it I’d pass. I guess that said, my brother bought a house that needed $40k worth of stucco remediation (remove, new plywood, and vinyl siding) and it’s been fine so far so it’s not like it necessarily unfixable. If you do buy it you should get rid of the stucco on their dime and replace with vinyl siding or hardie board.
Anon
Real stucco or synthetic?
AnonATL
Stucco issues here in metro-Atlanta as well. Our real estate agent strongly advised against buying a stucco house. Believe they are pretty much are synthetic stucco here. We have Hardie siding, and it’s great with a much longer lifespan than the vinyl.
Anonymous
My grandmother from the Midwest taught me “don’t get stuck with stucco!”
Anonymous
Personally I would never purchase a home that’s only 3 years old. New builds are just such shoddy quality its not worth in it IMO. I would be hesitant no to buy anything newer than like 1990s and personally landed on on 1905.
Anon
My first house was built in 1920, and my second one was built in the mid-1800’s. Apparently these spoiled me and I am not particularly happy with my admittedly decent quality for modern times 2007 house. I would want to see a couple of years worth of utility bills on anything prior to 1990’s though. Energy efficiency usually wasn’t a thing.
Senior Attorney
Same. The stucco issue, in particular, would scare me off.
Anonymous
Those all sound like totally normal issues.
Anonymous
Stucco is a major issue in Houston. I would seriously not consider buying a stucco house in Houston. I also live in Houston
Houstonian
+1
Anon in Houston
Fellow Houstonian here and stucco issues are really common. My last house had “stucco” issues that were really just improperly sealed windows that leaked into the space between the stucco and the wood. Fixed the windows for a couple of grand and the stucco was fine afterwards. That being said, stucco does have more issues, especially with our humidity. If you’re worried about stucco in general, then I’d pass on the house. However, if you’re still open to stucco (recognizing it will need some care/maintenance), then I’d let the seller fix the issues and move forward with the sale since the repair will probably come with some kind of warranty.
Anonymous
I find the stucco issues interesting because I grew up in a 90s boom Southwest town where basically every home was wood frame and stucco. I guess the problem is humidity and the dryness makes it ok. Just one of those things you don’t think about until you learn of other experiences.
NY CPA
Every home has issues. Since you said your main priority in buying a new home was to not have as many renovations, I would suggest you look at new builds whose builders offer warranties.
anon a mouse
In Houston I would want a lot of comfort about issue #2 — not just that the foundation can be fixed but that a “simple” drainage issue is actually that. Houston has had a ton of flooding and water table issues over the last decade and you should really understand the topography, maybe talk to neighbors if possible, to understand if there are micro-issues that will cause this to be a recurring issue. It may be simple, but it may not be. My #1 concern with any house is water, because I’ve lived through cracked foundations and sewer backups and they are incredibly expensive and stressful to deal with.
Anon
It’s a Houston house built in the last three years. It’s going to have corners cut because that’s just how builders – and their subcontractors that are never properly monitored – in this area are. One thing to think about is whether or not the home was left to the elements in Harvey. There are several homes that were only framed at that point and left to rot and fall apart for months (I’ve seen several in my neighborhood that were clearly damaged and were just drywalled over). Maybe inquire about that.
Anon
My first reaction was, is that all? But the houses I’ve bought were built in 1922 and 1909. I don’t think $30-$40k worth of stucco repairs are a good sign for a 3 year old house. I’d be concerned that the rest of the stucco would fail soon after. Can you get some kind of overall stucco warranty from the stucco inspector or repair people? I’d also want a roof warranty since the seller says they fixed it.
You are the only one who can know whether these issues are typical in your preferred area. The sellers being willing to pay for it all sounds good.
Anon
The house has a new roof, that’s a plus, not a minus. These things wouldn’t put me off the sale, but as I navigate through this process with my boyfriend, I am discovering different people have much different levels of risk tolerance!
anonymous
Has anyone else gotten the J&J vaccine? I got mine yesterday and am definitely feeling the side effects today – mostly tiredness and achy joints. In the evening, I had some chills and later felt very warm, like when a fever breaks and my temp was normal this morning. The achy joints were bad last night and kept me awake so getting up was rough this morning. Thankful I’m able to WFH today.
Anonymous
After I got the J&J vaccine, I had 48 hours of 102-degree fever, nausea, and the worst headache I’ve ever experienced. I spiked a fever every night for the next week. All of the effects subsided by day 9 or so.
Anon
yikes.
Cat
My in-laws got J&J. One of them just had a sore arm (like the flu shot) and the other felt achy & tired the next day. Cleared up within about 24 hours. In any event way better than the risk of severe illness and the mental relief they felt is enormous.
Yay for immune systems!
OP
Yes, I’m happy to deal with any temporary side effects over getting covid. I was so happy to get an appointment. There is a sense of relief and feeling like it is a small step towards normalcy.
Also anon
I got the J&J a couple of weeks ago. Started having chills with some major shivering about 8 hours after getting the shot, had a fever of 101 all day the next day (it may have briefly hit 102) and joint pain and generally aching and feeling cruddy. Took some NyQuil when I went to bed and felt totally fine the next day.
NYCer
Our nanny and one of my parents got J&J. Neither had any side effects other than a sore arm! Hope you feel better soon.
Anon
My boyfriend had the J&J shot and he had fever and chills for about 8 hours and fatigue for about 24 hours. It makes me a little nervous for my second shot next week, but I know that it’s much better than getting COVID.
Anon
I had my second shot yesterday morning (Moderna). So far, I have no symptoms other than a sore arm, but I anticipated that I might have more of a reaction. Among those I know, there has been a broad range of reactions, from “my arm is a bit sore” to “this is the sickest I have ever been.” Try and keep your schedule flexible for a day or two after the vaccine in case of a reaction, but you may have very little.
ANON
I did, and I had the joint pain pretty significantly but no other side effects. Take some Tylenol, it will help.
Anonymous
Semi-related, but how are you all finding out whether you’re getting the J&J vaccine? My doctor might be recommending Pfizer for me (the mRNA response is thought to be better, maybe, for one of my medical conditions), but no one I know has known what they’re getting in advance.
Cat
In the case of my in-laws, they made appts at CVS, and it specifically said “Pfizer” and then after scheduling the 1st appt, it takes you immediately to scheduling 3 weeks later for the 2nd appt.
Cat
Oops parents, not in-laws. In-laws had the same experience but their local CVS carried J&J, so that was specified and of course they made only the one appt.
AFT
In IL, you will generally know whether it’s a 1 or 2 shot in advance. Some people have been able to call ahead to see if it’s Moderna v Pfizer, particularly because one is approved for 16 and up and the other 18 and up. Each state is handling differently, but so far J&J had mostly only bee available at specific, designated state sites.
This may change soon, tho, since a big dump of J&J is expected in the coming days so the ratio will change dramatically. Something like 4M shots were in circulation between approval and now, and another 20M will be shipped out shortly.
Can you ask your doc for help finding the right kind of shot since they are voicing a preference?
OP
The medical group that runs my doctor’s office set up a clinic for this week and said it was specifically for the J&J vaccine. I’m not sure how it works when going through a pharmacy. There haven’t been any available appointments so I haven’t gotten far enough through the process to see if there is an option to see what type of vaccine is available.
No Face
I think this varies wildly by location and source of appointment (hospital, government, pharmacy). The state-run vaccination events identify the vaccines, so you choose between vaccines when you are making the appointment. The hospitals, local governments, pharmacies, etc all have their own registration systems, so they are all different.
Anonymous
Our state-run system doesn’t offer a choice. They tell you which vaccine it is and then you take it or leave it.
Anon
Not in my state. The registration includes disclosures and consents for Pfeizer, Moderna and J&J, and when you arrive, you learn which one is being administered that day.
No Face
In my head I said “the state-run vaccination events in my state” and didn’t write the “in my state” part.
anonshmanon
I don’t think I knew when I scheduled the first appointment, but when I arrived at the site, they said ‘today is a Pfizer day’, so that is what I got. I was trying several places to get an appointment for my neighbor, some of them specified what you can get (CVS seemed to tell you whether 1 or 2 doses). I think we’re only a few weeks from there being true choice in a lot of areas.
Z
The clinic run by my city tells you what brand they have when you sign up.
Anon
In my area, specific places have specific shots. So if you go to Hospital Network A, you get Moderna. If you go to Rite-Aid, you get J&J. Etc.
Anon
Our state appointment registration system (Indiana) lists the vaccine used at each site, so you know what you’re signing up for. If your state doesn’t do that, I would call individual pharmacies and ask what vaccine they’re using. They should be able to tell you.
I don’t know how it is in other states, but in Indiana they’re reserving the J&J for 1) mass vaccination clinics, 2) mobile vaccination clinics and 3) special populations that are hard to reach (homeless, prisons, etc) so if you avoid those and get a regular appointment at a retail pharmacy or hospital it will be an mRNA vaccine.
AFT
I did a week ago, and had basically no side effects. The next day I had a very mild headache that may have been the result of poor sleep the day prior to the injection and felt basically like I’d had two beers the day before (I’m a light weight). FWIW, the folks I know who have side effects from any of the shots seem to have the worst feelings in the 12-24 (occasionally 36) hours after the shot, so you’re in the home stretch!
anon
Yes – my partner and I both got the J&J shot about two weeks ago. I woke up feeling very achy and tired the next day, and ended up being so exhausted I took the afternoon off (though Tylenol helped a lot with the body ache). I felt better by the evening. My partner was a little tired all day, but that was it.
Anon
My friend got J&J on a Friday and was in bed all weekend after. Then he kept having sinus symptoms but now just thinks his post vaccine episode happened to coincide with the onset of seasonal allergies for him.
Anon
Yes, I was fine for 12 hours after the shot, and then felt like I was hit by a truck. Migraine, light sensitivity, chills and fever, body pains. It all cleared in 24 hours.
Cat
I’m really curious if the reaction you get to the vaccine relates to how severe of a Covid case you would have gotten… meaning those with nothing but a sore arm likely would have been asymptomatic or like, had the sniffles for a day, but I can’t imagine there would ever be a way to determine that!!
Anon
It’s certainly not a perfect predictor, especially for any one individual, but to the extent there’s a correlation it’s an inverse one (stronger vaccine side effects –> lower odds of severe Covid case).
Strong side effects from the vaccine implies a stronger immune system, which means you’d be better able to fight off the virus. Younger people generally have stronger immune systems, which is why vaccine side effects are much more common in young people and severe Covid cases are much more prevalent in older people. Women also have more vaccine side effects and die from Covid at much lower rates than men do. I was zero percent surprised when my healthy low risk (except for age) mom got sick as a dog from the vaccines and my obese, multiple high risk health condition dad had no discernible side effects. I’m sure if they had gotten the virus my mom would have been fine and my dad would have died.
anonzy
Personal anecdote: my partner and I both had COVID in August. Both cases considered mild, no hospitalization needed, We also both just got our first doses, me Pfizer, him Moderna. I had a sore arm and everything that hurt before vaccine (lower back pain and a tweaked wrist) hurt noticeably more after vaccine for about 24 hours. For him: he feels like he has a mild flu, with chills and aches and a headache. Everything about this whole situation is so horribly variable and so individual. It sucks.
Anon
Another anecdote: I got Moderna shot #1 on Monday and apart from a mildly sore arm (as expected with any shot to the arm) which is now gone, I feel 100%. No impact at all. I never had COVID and I’m 36.
Anonymous
Anecdotally, I’ve also noticed a little bit of a family connection. Often the people I know with more side effects seem to have other relatives with more reaction, while I’ve also seen whole families where no one had more than a sore arm for a day. Slight genetic variations in immune system probably account for it.
Anon
Two of my friends got it at the same time. One had zero reaction. The other was miserable the day after for about 24 hours.
Kitten
Yes, I had extreme chills/shaking (like nothing I’d ever experienced before) 8 hours after and some mild body aches. The chills lasted a couple hours and then I had a sweaty hot flash before falling asleep (took some edibles). It was much worse than when I had actual Covid but I felt 100% by the next day.
Service
Following up on some yesterday threads, just wanted to shout out to other readers in public interest jobs! Against the majority of the advice of this board, I recently took a public interest legal position making ~60k (gasp). While I’m not saving for retirement as quickly as before, I couldn’t be happier to be doing engaging and meaningful work!
And for those who can’t imagine how others working long hours for low pay survive, I encourage you to check out local mutual aid organizations and get to know people outside of your bubble.
cara
I loved my public interest job! Honestly, I did not feel bad about the long hours there because I knew it was necessary and would have an impact on the world, and now I know I have improved the world in some small way in my life. I couldn’t do long hours if it was just for some companies’ profit, especially if it was because some law partner was being an ass, although I realize that people do it for the money.
When people say they had to work big law because of law school loans – law school seems like a racket and tbh big law lawyers don’t seem like that happy a group overall, so it’s sort of a chicken and egg scenario.
Anonymous
Please get a grip! I don’t think anyone was saying her work isn’t valuable or important. It is not sustainable to work 95 hours a week for a year for anyone, and especially not when you can’t afford to outsource everything. Acknowledging reality and that buying a bagged salad isn’t actually fixing it wasn’t a diss on public service and wasn’t intended as an attack.
Stirring up a second day of drama is totally unnecessary.
Cat
+1
Anon
+1
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Since you have chosen to bring it up again. I know what bugged me most was that folks’ first go-to was to tell her to leave her job (that is TEMPORARILY this demanding) while folks in Big Law working crazy hours is widely accepted here. In fact, some folks do the humble brag of how much billing they log. The idea that money is more important than someone’s commitment to a cause or that she should slack off around the cause in some way because she wasn’t being paid enough is what is insulting, particularly when she wasn’t asking for advice on whether to stay. For someone who thinks bringing this up again is unnecessary, I’m not sure what you are trying to gain by bringing it up again. If you’re feeling that it’s this important to get the last word in, perhaps you should do some self-reflection.
Anon
Most of the advice re: BigLaw hours is about transitioning out
Anon
Amen!
Anon
+1!
Anon
Okay? I think the point of those posts was that working 70-95 hours per week for a full year is a lot, and it may be time to throttle back a little rather focus on cost-effective time saving tips.
Monday
But she works in public health during a pandemic. (This point was also made yesterday.) It struck me as being like telling someone involved in combat on a battle front to cut her hours. Or making the point that being in active combat is stressful. It just wasn’t actionable advice.
Anon
Right, but that’s different than saying public interest doesn’t matter or is less important than the private sector. Nobody ever said anything close to that, but it still ginned up faux victimhood
Monday
Well, people said she shouldn’t be working that much *for that salary* and that her employer doesn’t value her. I can understand if she or others were offended by those particular comments.
Anon
Think the answer is sort of in between. OP could remain dedicated to her job, but still scale back in small ways to preserve her sanity and health. But that requires nuance.
Anon
I make less than 60k (despite having an advanced degree) and am not even saving the world.
Monday
Congrats on a job change that seems to be working well for you! I am also so, so glad that I made a career shift toward service and away from prestige. (I came from academics, so I never made all that much money, but I did work for large law firms twice so I saw that side of things too.) I feel totally spent at the end of a day/week, and I encounter a lot of heartbreaking situations. But I never doubt my purpose or wonder what the point is. I couldn’t say that about any of my previous jobs.
Anon
People’s bubbles have absolutely nothing to do with knowing their own budget and financial plan. I mean, good for you having a job you like but it’s kind of ignorant to also judge people for wanting to live a more comfortable life. $60k is not enough in many metro areas to support a family and save for retirement and you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. And I also fully understand not wanting to earn 1/3 what your graduate program cost on principal alone.
Anon for this
Yes – we can’t all be public servants, much like we can’t all work for corporations. I mean, the money for the state workers and nonprofits has to come from somewhere, right? From the taxes I pay and donations I make while working for a corporation that makes money selling stuff to people. I don’t think either is inherently better or worse, but am open to hearing other people’s thoughts on this!
Anon
As a state government worker, I really hate this. I am absolutely also paying income, property, sales, ALL the taxes. Private sector doesn’t have a monopoly on that.
anon for this
+100, anon. Between public sector being paid significantly less, paying all the same taxes as well, and routinely going out of their way to make scarce funding stretch further and spending so much of our working hours on complying with all the oversight rules that come with tax payer funding, all the while companies enjoying tax breaks and subsidies big and small, I am really tired of this trope. Have fun deducting your three martini lunches while I fill out 7 forms to buy dinner (but never booze) for an annual conference.
anon
+1 to this, and I say this as someone who worked in public service for almost 15 years (almost my entire legal career). I left last year because I was tired of being overworked and underpaid, and needed to start paying off my loans aggressively and saving for kids’ college. I wish I had done it sooner, it’s made my life 100x better. Everyone’s needs are different at different points in their lives.
Anon
“Everyone’s needs are different at different points in their lives.” This. If everyone posted from a less judgmental stance about the decisions of others, there would be fewer hurt feelings.
anne-on
This. I got a lot of grief from my college friends for taking my arts undergrad and going to work for a corporation. I have chronic health conditions that are (mostly) under control but require good, steady healthcare for specialist visits. Guess what arts internships and freelance gigs don’t provide. I don’t fault them for working gig jobs (and they have much cooler titles now!) but I could have done with less idealistic judgement for ‘selling out’.
AppleTV+
Anyone have favorite Apple TV+ shows to recommend? I got a free year to the channel with a recent iPhone upgrade. Randomly clicking through over the weekend, I landed on Dickinson and find it hilarious. Thanks!
Cat
No advice (I was vaguely interested in the Morning Show but never got around to starting it), but you are probably the 10th person I’ve heard wondering about what to watch with a free Apple TV subscription, myself included. Does Apple have actual paying subscribers??
Anon
Servant and Defending Jacob.
Anon
+1 to Defending Jacob
Monday
I loved Defending Jacob until the point where it deviated from the book toward the end in a really meaningful way. I guess I can’t say anything more specific than that. The book’s ending was much more powerful.
cat socks
I really like Ted Lasso.
Anonymous
We loved Ted Lasso. It’s just the sort of show we need right now.
buffybot
All in on Ted Lasso! Also enjoyed Dickinson
Anone
+1 Loved Ted Lasso. Can’t wait for the new season
CountC
+2 Loved Ted Lasso!
Anonymous
Looove Ted Lasso!
Anon
We got Apple TV just to watch Ted Lasso. Worth it.
Ted Lasso!
Best show!
A.
We also got Apple+ TV for Ted Lasso. I cannot recommend this show enough!
H13
I also got the free for a year deal. Try Ted Lasso as well as he documentary about the Beastie Boys if you’re into them. Oh, and Boys State.
Piggybacking… the only Apple product we have is my phone. Is there another way to stream Apple TV? I can’t seem to get it on our TV.
Anon
You need to install the app. You should be able to do this on most smart TVs or Fire Stick, Roku, etc.
anon8
If you have a smart TV, you can install the Apple TV app.
Anonymous
We hook the phone up to the TV using an HDMI adapter.
Anonymous
Ted Lasso and Mythic Quest
Jeffiner
My daughter wanted to watch Wolfwalkers, and it was actually a pretty good movie. However that’s literally the only thing we found that we wanted to watch that wasn’t available on our other streaming sites.
Anon 2.0
Loved Ted Lasso, The Morning Show, and For All Mankind
AZCPA
For All Mankind, See, Morning Show, Dickinson.
Senior Attorney
Ted Lasso for sure, The Morning Show (didn’t go where I expected it to go at all, which was fun), and For All Mankind (my son the therapist says it’s super interesting how everybody in that show has huge amounts of trauma and almost nobody deals with it).
nyc hotel
My family is going away in May and I’m thinking of treating myself to a night in a hotel in NYC to get out of my apartment. Any recommendations for a hotel that has a hot tub or pool (I’m pregnant, so the idea of getting in water sounds heavenly… maybe a place that just has excellent bathtubs???)
Any recommendations?
Anon
I’m a total nerd, but I want to stay here once just to wander around the terminal. https://www.twahotel.com/
Cat
We stayed here one night before an early flight and had an amazing time – would love to go back!
Lilau
I don’t think that’s nerdy at all! I guess I’m a nerd too. I love this question! My first thought was 1 hotel in Brooklyn, because it looks swanky and the views look awesome. Has anyone been?
Anon
Architecture & aviation nerds unite!!!
No Face
That hotel looks amazing! If I am ever flying to NYC, I am staying there for at least a night.
LadyLawyer
The 1 Hotel in DUMBO is amazing! If you’re really looking to splurge, their suites are gorgeous. The rooftop pool is lovely but it may not be open when you go–you’ll have to check with the hotel. I went last summer at the height of COVID and have been several times after for short staycations. It was a great, clean, and safe experience each time.
They do not have tubs though. If you’re looking for a good bathtub, I’d stay at the Langham on 5th Ave. Incredibly luxurious and a great tub.
NY CPA
I’ve been to the Millenium Hilton near the WTC and that has an indoor pool. There’s also the fancy new Equinox hotel in Hudson Yards which has an outdoor pool that looks nice. I always hear buzz about the Gansevoort in Meatpacking and that has a pool.
NY CPA
One note of caution though: call any place you’re thinking of staying to make sure the pool / hot tub are open. A lot of pools in the city are still closed bc of COVID.
Anon
I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to go in hot tubs pregnant
Anonymous
+1 – Be careful with this and talk to your doctor first. I was not stickler for pregnancy rules, but this one I was convinced in the need to abide by. Sorry to burst your bubble (sorry not sorry for the pun!)
Anon
I’m pretty sure she shouldn’t take medical advice from randos on the internet who don’t know anything.
Anon
all y’all are pretty quick to take vaccine advice from randos!
HSAL
No suggestions (except follow all the pregnancy rules for hot tubs) and maybe this was just me, but I went in a pool at 35 weeks with twins and it was heavenly while in there, but after getting out I could barely walk that night and the next day. Totally unexpected so just keep that possibility in mind if you have anything going on after.
Anonymous
You can’t be in a hot tub. Even baths are iffy in the beginning but you should be ok by May. Aren’t you worried about covid being pregnant ?
Anon
The Andaz has amazing bathtubs. They have these rooms where there’s a glass wall between the bathtub and the rest of the room so I wouldn’t want to stay there with a non romantic partner, but for a night by yourself it would be perfect.
I always stayed at the Andaz Wall Street. I don’t know if the midtown one is the same.
Not all rooms come with the bathtub so you have to ask when booking.
AnonATL
Random pregnancy caution: We have a deep soaking tub in our bathroom that is glorious, but after about 30 weeks I couldn’t get out without my husband’s help. I was like a turtle stuck on my back. A shallower tub or grab bars will help.
Anon
We have discussed here how some parents have moved to the right in their political and social viewpoints once they reach retirement. My parents have always been conservative evangelicals and vote Republican. I’m positive that they voted for Trump both times even though they didn’t talk about it, although I think they are more aligned with the Mitt Romney side of the party. My dad recently retired and my mom hasn’t quite yet, but she is right behind him. I got this text from my mom last night: “I really like Tucker Carlson on Fox News! I’m watching right now.” I haven’t responded yet. I don’t even know what to say. I know my parents hold their views mainly because of religion, but I think I secretly had always held out hope for my mom. I was angry, crushed, and suddenly felt really far from her.
I suppose these are my options: A) Ignore it completely and text in a day or so about something else, B) Respond with a simple statement that I do not watch or like him, or C) Inform her that he is horrible and list reasons. Any advice on how to frame my response?
Anon
A. Do not engage.
Anonymous
Have you considered being honest about your feelings? “I’m really sad to hear that, mom.” Your proposed responses B and C are pretty fact based, which will probably get you nowhere. I would keep a text short and sweet and save anything complex for an actual conversation.
Cat
Trying again- I had a comment that simply disappeared when I hit submit. Maybe it will pop up later.
But my advice is to approach this from a place of positive suggestions for replacement behavior rather than scolding. My experience in this area is that scolding a parent means they’ll continue to do whatever it is but not talk about it with you. Suggest a different program to watch (one that you like)? And then call and chat about it with them?
Lily
Can you ask her to watch the recent John Oliver piece on Tucker, as a favor to you? Would she be receptive to hearing an opposing point of view?
No Face
I love John Oliver, but his show is very potty-mouthed and would be very unappealing to certain types of conservatives. One of the reasons why Tucker Carlson is so effective is that he expresses white nationalist and racist views in a buttoned-up way. I think a buttoned-up source about why TC’s show is so horrible would be a better idea.
anonshmanon
I agree, I think John Oliver only appeals to people who are already in a lefty bubble. If you want to engage, OP, maybe his disparaging of a modern military, backing up of the mob storming the seat of American democracy, and general misogyny are points where you might connect on shared values.
Will post links to WaPo separately (but I think you could find similar sources even in the WSJ, National Review or on some Fox segments, just not on Tucker’s).
anonshmanon
https://www.washingtonpost.com/arts-entertainment/2019/03/14/tucker-carlson-says-hes-victim-powerful-bully-meet-year-old-who-found-tapes/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2021/03/05/tucker-carlson-capitol-riot-wasnt-racist-fbi-uh-wrong/
https://www.washingtonpost.com/national-security/tucker-carlson-women-military-fox/2021/03/11/c1d9e3c6-826d-11eb-bb5a-ad9a91faa4ef_story.html
Anonymous
B- I don’t like him. His show is extremely biased and he doesn’t represent the values of compassion you raised me with.
shananananan
Honestly the best answer is probably A. I never seem to take that advice myself (see long drawn out argument with my mother about not reading the Jesus book Bill O’Reilly wrote because really, I would avoid everything written by a person just because I don’t like that person. Yes Mom, that’s the point.) but honestly its the only way to not have those things blow up in my world. My Mom gets sucked into conservative things from the religious side, but is also generally an open minded person about social issues so I can usually win her back over, but its a lot of energy I don’t always have in my to expend. She did not vote for trump this time. I think she did the first time but I have never engaged on the subject. As a contrast, my dad would change the channel whenever trump started speaking as he, like me, physically could not handle listening to him talk.
Also you could just show her the last week tonight episode from a week or so ago on tucker carlson. But it might be too divisive if your mom is like my mom.
Jeffiner
A or B, definitely not C. C will most likely start an argument and make her dig in her heels. I’ve read that Republicans prefer to make decisions based on emotions, not facts, so the Anonymous suggestions to tell her it makes you sad, or that he doesn’t support your values might be more effective. And I think the best you can hope for is your mom agreeing to disagree with you and never bringing this up again.
Anon
I would probably write, “Really? I can’t stand his racist views. Prefer not to discuss him with you.”
Anonymous
Don’t respond “wow I can’t believe that” or “he’s a jerk” or “how could you.” That shuts people down and for good reason. If you want to engage on this, you have to listen to your mom’s point of view and not just tell her your own.
Anon
You also might mention that Fox itself has indicated that Tucker Carlson cannot be relied on for actual facts, instead engaging in exaggeration and non-literal commentary. It’s in their court pleadings.
anon
I’d probably go with A. If you want to engage, I’d probably ask, “What do you like about him?” Listen first, then respond. But really, I’d pretend I never received the text.
Chicoletta
I say ignore or just say “He isn’t for me,” and move on. I don’t see how sending her links and other segments to convert her is going to be productive. The best way to move the needle on this (if at all possible) is through long-term discussions with a lot of listening. If both of you are pretty entrenched in your political belief systems, it might be best to agree to disagree. Put another way–If you texted your mom and said “I’m really liking Rachel Maddow right now,” and she responded with several articles and video segments you should try, would you be receptive? But you know your parents best.
Scared Minority Woman
I see a lot of people saying A, and I get that. It makes a lot of sense within a social/family framework and is frankly the best option in terms of keeping things cool between you guys.
But if you’re willing to, a gentle B about how he doesn’t align with your family values can be nice. I think that having these conversations with family members is a good way to deal with the broader social issues, and it’s something that those of us without family/friends in this demographic can’t do.
Anon
I got an email recently from Experian stating that I could add utility, phone, and video streaming payments to my Experian credit file and have them go towards my credit report. Have others done this? Are there reasons why I shouldn’t do it? I would like to raise my credit score so I’m tempted.
Anonymous
This sounds like phishing to me.
Anonymous
I hadn’t heard of this but I probably wouldn’t, personally. Maybe utilities, they seem to be pretty forgiving. I’ve had too many billing issues over the years with phone and subscription services. Like my credit card expires and they don’t send me a notice, they just cut off my service. Or they send me the first notice like 3 months after the cc expired angrily demanding back payment and threatening to send me to collections. Not that I haven’t had issues with companies that typically report to credit, but as a very general matter, I think those companies tend to have more organized bill payment policies so they don’t ding your credit score for something benign.
Anon
This. I’ve never paid a credit card bill late, but I’ve definitely missed utility payments because I’ve moved a lot and their systems are really bad about getting billing and autopayments set up correctly and a lot of times the first bill or two doesn’t get handled correctly. I’ve also had the credit card expiration issue, where updating it doesn’t get handled correctly, even when I’m on top of it. I have excellent credit and in my case, it seems like this could only harm me. If you don’t have much of a credit record, I guess it could help, though.
shanananana
As a reference point, I have the Experian paid monitoring service as have been rebuilding my credit and added my utilities and it did literally nothing to my credit score. So, it is a real thing, but YMMV as to how much it actually helps you.
anon
I wouldn’t do it because, for me, phone and other entertainment type companies (Comcast and Sirius XM, I’m looking at you..) are just horrendous to deal with when things go wrong – think: you cancel your account/subscription but they keep billing unbeknownst to you and it goes to collections (ask me how I know…). I would not want them anywhere near my credit. You’re better off direct paying them through your credit card then using those regular monthly payments on your credit card to enhance your credit.
Anon
If you are actively rebuilding your credit score, doing this won’t hurt (but probably won’t move the needle too much).
NY CPA
They probably will charge you a fee to do this, so I would only do so if you really need to rebuild your credit score for some reason. My last landlord gave us the option to report our rental payments to credit reporting agencies but you had to pay a fee to a service to do so.
Anon
It is a real thing and is helpful for people who don’t the other typical things that build credit. So just because it doesn’t apply to everybody here doesn’t mean it’s fake.
Anonymous
+1
https://www.experian.com/consumer-products/score-boost.html
A.
I want to purchase a curling wand so that I can get beach waves (recently had a blowout for a media appearance and they did my hair like this and I LOVED it). Any recommendations? I usually turn to Wirecutter for stuff like this but they haven’t reviewed anything like this. I have long, thick hair. I already have a skinny curling wand so need something larger. Assuming a wand is preferable to an iron but will take any recs. Thanks hive!
Anon
I use a flat iron – you twirl it like a curling iron but it makes bigger, messier waves that last longer for me.
RR
Agree with Anon. A flat iron for beachy waves is a dream. YMMV though as I’ve never gotten the knack of curling wand usage.
Another Anon
I love my t3 wand with tapered end – the waves last for days and look better each day. (I have really thick hair that I wash 1-2x/week).
In-House in Houston
I recently got the Dyson Airwrap and LOVE IT! The air literally pulls your hair around the barrel and curls it with hot air, which is much better than a curling iron. The device comes with many different attachments. I also got the larger barrel separately for looser waves. It’s not cheap though – $500. But if you already have a Dyson vacuum cleaner you can get an “owner discount” of 20% if you buy through Dyson.
+1
I have had this look for years. I’d recommend the thicker wands (not tapered at the end).
NuMe is my personal fave (pink handle)!
Anonymous
Not a fan of Ann Taylor in the last year or so. Quality has gone way down. Fabrics are low quality. Really not interested.
HW
I just ordered a couple of blouses from there, and one feels like it’s good quality and the other feels like a plastic bag.
Ribena
Is it drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
(Sorry)
Horse Crazy
It’s probably so paper thin!
(not sorry)
Anon
I bought a few AT cashmere sweaters recently that are fabulous. These were about $250–300 at the so-called retail price but I purchased for $40 and $65. They are the nicest cashmere sweaters I have ever found. having said that, I agree that the quality is inconsistent.
Anon
That’s definitely been happening for longer than a year.
Anonymous
Does this happen to anyone else: when I’m anxious about an upcoming event, I anxiety shop. The first time I traveled alone internationally, I planned everything to the minutest detail and when I could do nothing else to prepare, I kept buying stuff for the trip. I just needed to DO something. Fwiw the dollar amount wasnt enough to impact my budget, but it still feels wasteful and it’s a big waste of time.
My wedding is coming up and I find myself starting to do the same thing. Everything is planned, there’s not much to do rn, and I feel antsy. I do legitimately need a few things so I can’t put myself on a shopping ban. I know I won’t financially imperil myself, I just don’t want to be wasteful of my time, energy, or fun money. How can I redirect this nervous energy to something productive? What has worked for you? I’m not interested in therapy for this, but maybe meditation would help?
Anon
I’m the same way. I’m not sure why it’s such a bad thing if your anxiety is otherwise controlled. Or buy things that are returnable which you can return when your anxiety subsides.
Anon
HA I didn’t realize it until I saw this post, but I do the same thing. I don’t have a solution, but I try to direct this shopping energy towards Poshmark and thrift shops so I’m spending less and it’s not as wasteful. Maybe buying items to donate to a charity would scratch the same itch?
Anon
Absolutely-for me it’s controlling what I can when I am nervous (like who knows if my work event will go well but I can know I’ll have a good outfit). Helps me to acknowledge that’s what is going on and work on being more comfortable with my real nervousness, including recognizing what is in my control to make that go well (like I did my research, I made an outline, I strategized woth someone I trust)
anon
No advice, but commiseration. I hate that I do it, but it’s not having enough of an impact on my budget to stop, so I don’t.
Anonymous
I have directed my shopping energy to finding new recipes, sourcing ingredients, and cooking/baking.
Anon
Yes. I direct my shopping towards things that make me money: penny stocks, thrift store finds to flip on Poshmark, etc.
Anon
Yeah, I definitely anxiety shop. I think there was a Carolyn Hax post about this recently?
Anon
Maybe save things to a Pinterest board and come back to them if/when you need them? Try a new hobby to occupy your time instead of shopping (especially a hobby that keeps you away from your phone/computer)? Make a thorough list of things you need/want for the event and set aside a couple times per week to browse for those items/sales?
Candles
Random fun topic — What are your favorite Diptyque scents? Or other fancy candle brand scents? I don’t live near a Nordstrom or any other place that carries the candles, so I have been just reading the descriptions and doing the best I can when I order. My favorite so far has been Cypress, but I’m always trying to decide what to try next! The small candles are a good way to try out, but they don’t have all the scents in the small candles.
Anon
I’m slightly obsessed with Diptyque. Baies is a classic. I love Feu de Bois for the fall. Jasmine, Lys and Gardenia are great florals. They always have excellent holiday scents as well.
My other favourite fancy candle brand is Nest, they have gorgeous scents and they’re much cheaper than Diptyque. I’m burning their Lavender & Cedar a lot right now.
Anon
I really want their corriander candle but there’s nowhere I can smell it in person before buying. I was really disappointed with baies, so floral and almost no fruit.
Anon
I have only tried a couple of diptyque candles but by far Feu de Bois is my favorite. I actually recently purchased it in the giant 5-wick candle but my order was canceled. I’m also a Nest fan, I love their holiday candles the most and I really liked Rose Noir and Oud. I want to try the Diptyque Roses candle. I like Lafco candles a lot too. I have a Cire Trudon candle and a Jo Malone candle waiting to be burned but haven’t tried yet.
Cat
Feu de Bois is wonderful for fall-winter but I am definitely not burning it now.
Tubereuse is lovely for spring – not cloying.
MagicUnicorn
From a thread recommendation a while back, I found Rosemarino candles and am a convert. The sampler pack pays for itself (you literally get a gift card for the cost with the sampler pack purchase), and the scents are perfect. Enough to be noticeable without overpowering, and I love the variety.
anne-on
OMG thank you! I meant to buy those and then closed the window and have been searching in vain for the brand name! Just bought the sampler pack.
Anonymous
It might’ve been me who recommended them! My favorite scent of theirs is Oakmoss & Amber.
Emma
Fleur de figuier (fig, but very herbal and not fruity – I love it, but if you want fruit as someone noted above that’s not their strong point. To me, it smells like the yard at my grandparents’ house in the South of France.)
Anon
This is probably OT and it’s a you do you situation, but I don’t really “get” luxury candles. I am a luxury buyer in some areas (my handbags, my car, shoes in the Before Times) but can’t get my head around luxury spending on something you literally burn up. Are they really that much better than other candles? The most expensive candle I have is a Nest grapefruit candle but it just smells like grapefruit to me. I tend to buy the Voluspa tins when they’re on sale at Nordstrom.
Candles
That’s ok! I don’t splurge on the things you listed, so we all have our things we like.
I buy lots of different candle brands, including some cheaper ones. I do think there’s a big difference in the quality of the smell between a Diptyque candle and something like a Yankee candle (less chemically or something). But there’s not as much difference between a Diptyque and a nice candle I get at a local shop. I think that some of the luxury brands are beautiful, and I like the unusual scents. I have noticed that a lot of the nicer candles tend to throw their scent better than cheaper candles. I’m quite frugal in most areas of my life, but this is something that brings me joy!
I’m looking forward to trying some of the brands and scents listed above!
eertmeert
I end up using some of the candle holders around the house as brush holders, pen cups, cups for my knitting ends and bobs, etc.
And, you pay for the sensory experience in terms of hours. If that’s not your thing, I get it. But personally I love having a fancy splurge candle around. Most of my candles are from TJ Maxx, so when I have a nice fancy one I like to milk it. I might burn a cheap candle for 5 hours at a time, but a fancy candle would only burn for 2 hours and the scent lingers much longer.
Am a big scent person, so ymmv.
Paddywax
Adding in a recommendation for Paddywax. They are based out of my neck of the woods and some of their scents for summer are magical. My personal favorite is salted grapefruit. If you’re ever in the SEUS, you can make your own at their candle bar.
Candles
I also love Paddywax! I burn Heirloom Tomato a lot in the summer.
MissK
I’ve never tried Cypress so not sure how our tastes overlap. Opopanax is one of my favorites – but it’s better for fall/ winter. I recently got the 34 candle and love it for this season. In my experience, you really have to burn it to see how you like it.. if you know what notes you like, I feel you can’t go wrong with Diptyque.
H13
Has anyone used the fabric bags for raised garden beds? Is there a significant difference in quality among brands? I have lots of space in the backyard but don’t know what sizes to get. Any advice?
Anon
SmartPots are awesome. The milk-crate size ones are super-handy. They’re a good size for most summer veggies and you can use them as a milk-crate insert or free-standing.
Abby
I haven’t read this or tried this, but I follow an awesome instagram called “epic gardening” and he has a book about this! https://www.amazon.com/Grow-Bag-Gardening-revolutionary-eco-friendly/dp/0760368686/ref=asc_df_0760368686/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=459584165483&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=16133396985398647695&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9029719&hvtargid=pla-943580667243&psc=1
Anon
I love Epic Gardening too! I watch his youtube videos pretty avidly.
Anone
I have the fabric pots and love them. The plants do really well in them.
H13
Do you have any of the large ones? Like the 50 or 100 gallon? Or is it better to stick with small ones I can move if needed? Which brand do you use?
anonshmanon
as a general rule, smaller ones will dry out faster, thus requiring more diligent watering. Depends on plants, weather and location of course.
Anone
I have the 3-gallon and 5-gallon SmartPots. Bought from Amazon. I am not sure about the larger ones, but the 3 and 5 gallon sizes are really good. I guess I’m supposed to water more often than normal pots, but I don’t. I grow herbs and hardy flowers in them, and watering a few times a week has been fine in most weather.
Anonymous
I have never heard of these, but now following! I’m hoping to only grow a few things and don’t want to invest in a permanent solution. Thank you.
EM84
I follow both, Epic Gardening and Calíim on YT and also have bought grow bags for my huge balcony. Personally, I do not see mich difference beyond ceratin level of quality (they hold well together, no tearing, I like that mine have handles so that I can shuffle them around as needed). As for sizing, I got 40 and 55 litres. The 40 litre is nice for tomatoes/peppers/herbs and I use the bigger ones for beans/peas/flowers. I like the mix of sizes as it enables me to be fore efficient with space. If space is not an issue for you, great! Think about what you want to grow and based on that, how much “root space” they will need to decide on size.
Denver
Moved into a new house last summer. I have two small upstairs bathrooms (no proper main bath attached to parents’ bedroom). We have long term plans to renovate both bathrooms to make them both more usable, but it’s a big project. In the meantime, they’re both painted this awful puke yellow. I think it’s worth repainting in a neutral white until we renovate. Any recommendations on white paint that will be in a bathroom for like a year before we renovate and re-do everything completely? I’ve never painted a room before.
Lily
We like the Benjamin Moore spa finish paint for bathrooms. It’s a little pricey but you’ll probably get away with buying 1, maybe 2 gallons total for the two small bathrooms. No specific color recommendation.
CHL
I think you will be so happy – paint is a pretty easy change that makes a big difference. White is so hard to get right – do you have white tile? If you do, I might deliberately pick an offwhite that is supposed to look different or do a grey or grey green/blue. Maria Killam has great advice on paint. Make sure you look to get paint for bathrooms so it doesn’t peel etc.
Denver
Grey countertop and shower lining (same material). White cabinets. THANK YOU everyone!
pugsnbourbon
+1. I really loathe the process of painting – I just did our main living area and hated every second – but the room looks incredible now. It’s worth it even for a short time.
NY CPA
Benjamin Moore Chantilly Lace
Anon
This is an excellent pure white with no undertones. We used it because we have marble countertops and didn’t want any whites looking muddy or the marble looking randomly stark.
Anon
+1
Anon
My entire apartment is this color and I love it. It’s the perfect color.
AnonMPH
Benjamin More White Dove. But also- it’s worth it to get like, 6 samples of different white paints and put them up in the bathroom before you decide. Whites depend SO MUCH on the lighting around them, and it doesn’t cost that much to buy the little sample cans. Your significant other may or may not think you are insane if they are “all just white” but some of them will be more greenish some more yellowish and you want to see that.
Also DEFINITELY paint in the meantime. We inherited one insane yellow bathroom when we bought our house this summer and it made our heads hurt. Just do it!
Coach Laura
Atrium white by Benjamin Moore is a nice warm white, very pretty and neutral. Wouldn’t look good with grey tile or cabinets probably, but good with oak cabinets. What color is tile/cabinets?
Anonymous
What does “family money” mean to you? I ask because we probably all know a middle-class person who has inherited a $350K paid-off house from parents or been the beneficiary of a life insurance payment, both of which produce more wealth than most people will ever see, but it’s not really what we think of when we think “family money.” What are your thoughts – does it have to be multi-generational? Inherited at a young age when parents are alive? A certain amount?
Cat
This is totally a matter of perspective and your own circumstances. To me, “family money” means multi-generational, trust funds, etc to the extent that the kid’s “job” as an adult is working with the family advisors on wealth management.
To someone raised with less means, I could see your examples as being “family money” to them.
Anon
This.
anne-on
My favorite phrase the last time this came up was ‘nesting yacht’ money.
Anon
Omg yes the nesting yachts. That is quite possibly my favorite comment I’ve ever read here.
Anon
“Family money” means that you take whatever job interests you (high earning, low earning, in between) because your income is really just fun bonus cash, and that your real financial decisions (which house to buy, which vacation to take, where to send your kids to school) will be driven by the money in your trust fund and inheritance.
To be clear: this isn’t a bad thing (or a good thing) by definition. Some of the nicest and least-assuming friends I have have “family money”. Money doesn’t make people jerks – but it gives jerks more ammo for their jerkiness.
Anon
I agree with this.
One person I went to HS with had “family money” and was always extremely hard working, dedicated, and not status or “stuff” focused (I’ve never seen her wear anything brand name unless you count LLBean). She used her financial advantages to start a real (i.e. not vanity) business without having to rely on investors for capital, which is doing really well.
I’ve gotten an (unexpected) insurance-money-inheritance which was enough for a downpayment in my VHCOL city. This was totally life-changing for me and a huge, huge financial advantage, but it’s not the same thing at all.
Anon
I don’t think I could not work — all of my friends work and I don’t want to be like some of my neighbors with SAHWs who are all “why CAN’T you play tennis at 3?!” Like it is shocking that a woman would work. I know, it is shameful that I “have” to work, but OMG lady that is like 99.9% of the world. I’m not working the corner. I am just working.
OTOH, I am eyeing a Lilly tennis outfit that would look so nice playing tennis at 3. Le sigh.
Anon
Why would you not want the flexibility of being able to do whatever you want when you want to do it? I have a very flexible job and can play tennis at 3 when I want to, and it is the greatest thing ever. I wouldn’t want to be a SAHW because of the risk, but the lifestyle is definitely appealing.
Anonymous
I agree with this definition of “family money.”
I would call parental assistance with tuition, kid expenses, down payment on a house, etc., even if it’s frequent or ongoing, “family help.”
Anonymous
Isn’t that just semantics though? That’s still an incredible level of privilege and money coming from family.
LaurenB
I don’t consider paying your own kid’s full tuition “family money.” Paying for your grandkid’s full tuition so that your kid can take whatever career he wants? That’s family money.
No Face
I think of it that way too. I have a friend with family money, and he is able to pursue a low-paying passion career while being able to buy a house, a car, etc. His parents were able to do the same thing – work low-paying jobs that benefitted the community while living in a large home and sending all the kids to private school. He is very hardworking and lovely. His entire family is generous and wonderful to be around.
AFT
I agree with this definition. For context, I was raised in a middle-to-upper middle class environment (parents were higher level government types) so we lived comfortably and they paid some of my college, I got grants, and I took on some loans. Having “family money” to me means that you weren’t on your own financially despite being a post-education adult. I wouldn’t lump in parents paying fully for college as within the “family money”, but if parents put all of a down payment on a house for you or paid your rent while you were working post-education, I would include those.
Emily
Oh interesting. I thought I had family money because my parents paid for college + grad school, own a house that they will give to my sibling or I, offered to pay a downpayment on a house for me, and if I really took a low paying job and had to rely on them, I could. But my income is not just fun bonus cash, and my real financial decisions are based on my income. I’m not married / don’t have kids, but even then that money would come from me (+ presumably my husband), not my parents.
good luck
You did receive family money. This is just a silly discussion about semantics.
A trust fund… is a trust fund…..
Family money is getting money from family. For anything. For any substantial financial assistance.
Most people do not get family money. Most on this board clearly do, but oddly to me, most don’t seem to want to (admit?) call it that.
anon a mouse
Family money to me means that they don’t have the same worries about money or monthly obligations as most everyone else. It could be that grandparents are picking up the $50K private school tuition. Or that they inherited a house. Or paid for college/law school. I don’t know that the advantage has to be quantified to qualify.
anon
My first thought when I think of family money is someone having a trust fund and having enough money in said fund to where they don’t have to work.
My parents gave us money for a down payment on a house and paid for my brother’s tuition at an ivy league law school, but we don’t get money from them on a consistent basis other than birthdays or holidays. My brother and I will inherit a good bit of money when my mom passes away, but she’s in her 60s so it could be another 20 years.
Anon
To me this would be family money but I grew up super rural in a tiny texas town where the idea of anyone going to an fancy college or something was unheard of.
Anon
I’m in a similar situation. I consider myself to have family money because I had no school debt and had help on my first down payment. I do think there’s something to be said about the difference between inheriting money at a younger versus older age. My parents inherited money at a young age. My mom constantly wants us to factor in an inheritance into financial planning or things like buying a house when in theory that money would hopefully be inherited once we are empty nesters! We work hard and save a bunch for retirement which they did not have to do. And I think maybe part of family money is being able to pass along the advantage to your kids, which we won’t inherit enough to do in the same way (I’m hoping to pay for college but not grad school and not first down payments).
Anon
That be “family money” in the no-stoplight VLCOL town my parents are from, which is why some people will never leave it.
Family money is like your house in Princeton is paid off, the grandparents pay for your kids to go to COuntry Day and then to Groton and then to a small private college. Your kids go to a summer camp that is $$$. You have vacation houses. You don’t worry about which country club to belong to b/c your family has the club that the family has gone to since forever.
Anon
There’s old money that doesn’t always overlap with current money as well. I know people who grew up in old money families and who still maintain some of the old traditions, but most of it is not very luxurious. For example, they went to prep school in the 1960s and then to Ivy League colleges and they belong to the same somewhat basic yacht clubs that their parents did and they vacation in rustic camps in Maine. A lot of people would turn up their noses at the primitive accommodations today, but it’s a real tradition for these families and it’s cheap compared to a vacation in Europe. The families often don’t have much money left, but they seem to be at least comfortable.
Anon
Oh and they also wear really old clothes, like sweaters that were expensive 40 years ago.
Anon
Tell me more about basic yacht clubs. I was unaware that there were levels (and I get seasick, so this is also theoretical, as is living 4 hours inland and having no second house on the water).
Anon
Not a direct answer, but the novel Laura and Emma by Kate Greathead addresses this type of Old Money family dynamic, including the rustic Maine camp thing.
Anon
Oh, by “basic” I just meant that it’s not very luxurious. I have a family member’s in mind. It’s comfortable, but an old building with old furniture and it’s not particularly huge. The food is decent but not fancy. It has one pool and a few tennis courts (white clothes mandated). It’s perfectly comfortable and enjoyable but it just doesn’t scream “fabulous wealth” or anything. It’s almost more utilitarian.
Anon
This is laudable — utilitarian yacht clubs.
I know what you mean. My neighbor, of the new Porsche, must rev it constantly so that we all get that he is the dude with the new Porsche. And always with the #frunk tags. My guess is that the basic yacht club is too understated for him; he is too overstated for it.
I drive a 10YO Odyssey that is dirty. I don’t really care. A German (?) woman racecar driver died early at 51 last week from cancer. I watched her race a stick-shift van and it was beautiful. It is google-able.
anon
There are a bunch of VERY not-fancy ones on Staten Island. Like, even less fancy than what the commenter is describing. If you live some place where boat ownership is common among non-rich people, “yacht club” is just a way of fancying up “marina with a restaurant.”
anon
You know what has always amused me? How “fancy rich people things” are so regional. Skiing, yacht clubs, owning horses… I think of skiing and yacht clubs as fancy but anyone can own a horse. I grew up in the rural south, and land and horses were so cheap that my aunt and uncle who live in a manufactured home had a horse and enough land to put it on. The people who lived in tiny cheap little houses down the road from us also owned horses where I grew up. (I’m not talking kentucky derby thoroughbreads obviously.)
My friend from Maine thinks skiing is not fancy at all, its something everyone does. My sister in law from coastal south carolina whose dad owns a dumpy little cheap sailboat thinks yacht clubs are not fancy because of the one her dad belongs to. I’m wondering if there are places in the US where owning an airplane is cheap.
anonchicago
Anon at 12:46 has a great point and got me thinking. My dad’s parents owned an airplane growing up. Grandfather was in the precursor to Air Force and I guess it was cheap and easy at that time to own a plane.
They were definitely not rich; he was a plant supervisor in Iowa and my grandma stayed at home.
Anon
Also: these are the people who do annual gifting. So: not my family, not the families of people I know, one friend married a guy with kids, the the grandparents are the “gifting type” and already fund the kids’ schools so it is a total relief that they are also covering college (which is like giving away ~1M over the years, for the type of schools involved here).
Anon24
“Anyone can own a horse”? Please recognize that there are many, many families struggling to eat. Also recognize your privilege.
Anon
My grandparents set up a college fund with enough money I could attend an Ivy League school debt free, though I also had some scholarships, work-study and summer jobs, and my parents kicked in some. There was no inheritance to me, and my parents got enough to retire a few years earlier than they might have, but nothing that changed our lives. I wouldn’t call that family money, but it clearly made all of our lives easier without student loan burden (same deal for my siblings, though they went to cheaper schools) and not having to be too concerned about financially supporting our parents (no idea if we’ll ultimately inherit much, that will depend on whether they need long term care or not, I’m guessing).
Anon
Getting to go to an Ivy League school debt free is life changing. Please recognize your incredible privilege.
Anon
Yes, no kidding. Also, being able to retire earlier than anticipated was life changing for your parents. It’s not a bad thing to have these advantages, but it is also not very aware to say it’s not life changing to have someone else pay for your ivy league education.
Anon
Just to clarify, I was referring to the inheritance as not being life changing, in that my parents didn’t change their spending at all, just felt comfortable retiring a few years earlier (but still in their mid60s) and there’s less worry of running out of money but not none). Of course the education part is life changing, I completely recognize that. That said, I’m not in a field where the prestige actually matters very much and I still make way less than six figures 20 years out of college, so I wouldn’t say it especially paid off financially or that I’m in a very different place careerwise than if I’d attended a public school. On the other hand, I’m sure I felt more comfortable in a less lucrative field given the lack of debt, and that is a massive privilege.
Senior Attorney
“‘Family money’ is just a little bit more money than my family has.”
Anon
I had a response to this that seems to have vanished into the ether, but I think my definition of family money basically matches everyone else’s. I got college paid for, but not grad school, a down payment or any other financial assistance after college (still can’t really afford to buy a house in my VHCOL area). I may ultimately inherit something when my parents die, but it’s not clear there will be much left or that it will happen until I’m into my 50s, 60s, or later. My point is that this absolutely IS a huge advantage compared to student debt or having to support my parents and it generally gave me a sense that I had a financial backstop, but still always had to support myself and my parents and I live far more modestly than most people on this board. I wanted to illustrate how these smaller amounts of money can still make a big difference WITHOUT being what everyone seems to consider family money.
Anon
That’s the gist of every conversation about wealth here.
Curious
I’m not sure OP was denying that! I sure wouldn’t (same case here).
Curious
Oh I misread this and missed the changed our lives comment. sorry, OP, gotta agree with the masses here. The debt free Yale degree put me light years ahead of friends with debt in terms of choice, freedom, and homeownership.
anon
That wasn’t life changing? You and I have MUCH different definitions of wealth. Wow.
Anonymous
I would say family money means tuition and living expenses paid for during school, first house paid for, six figures in savings accounts/stocks/bonds turned over to you when you finish school, wedding/honeymoon paid for, first and probably second car, and periodic large cash gifts for things like graduations and birthdays. Private school tuition paid for your kids, too. I hear about the whole trust fund thing and to me, that’s family money with strings. I think truly wealthy people have trust funds and also a substantial amount of cash/assets that are string-free.
The strings are where they get you. My mom’s parents paid for everything for her and her kids until she cut ties with them because they were so demanding and cruel. Think like the Goldman Sachs presentation but you don’t get paid in cash plus you don’t get any marketable job experience. The problem with getting your expenses paid for is you can’t really save any money. Yes we will fund your lifestyle, send us all the bills, but we won’t give you any assets outright. Even her house was in their name. So, people looking from the outside in my childhood mightve thought my mom had “family money” but really she just had family dependency.
Anon
I know someone who had a fancy house, but it was family owned. The idea being, the ex couldn’t take it in the divorce. OTOH, that lady had issues.
anon for this
To me, it doesn’t matter so much whether the money has been around for generations. I used to think family money means that you don’t have to work, or you at least can pursue any career, regardless of whether it’s poorly paid, because you have enough resources backing you up to not worry about housing, healthcare or retirement.
Over time, I am thinking more and more that this is partially a thinking pattern that helps me to mentally place myself in an idea of ‘middle class’ (‘I don’t have that kind of wealth’), when in reality, I grew up in the top 10% (two college educated parents with white collar jobs, paid for my college) and am living in the top 10% myself. Sure, it’s ‘only’ the top 10% income wise, not wealth wise, but I feel that was a sufficient personal safety net that gave me all the freedom in the world to pick my jobs based on what I wanted at that time. Like, I can see myself making similar choices even if my grandparents had a mansion and an oldtimer collection.
Anon
My sister married a guy with family money. Then divorced him. But what it meant was that he had to work to pay the bills but didn’t need to save for retirement. When they bought their house together, the down payment was paid for by his parents. They bought his car. He had no student debt. The parents paid for all vacations they went on as a group (parents plus two grown kids and their spouses/kids), and they were top notch vacations, but not individual vacations. He had a trust set up to give him a monthly small income but most of his wealth was in invested assets that would become his and his sibling’s when his parents died. His parents managed the trust but the money came from his grandparents, and the way it was structured was their decision.
He also had zero work drive and viewed his marriage vows as just a suggestion so it’s definitely a good riddance to bad garbage situation for my sister.
Anon
+1. My ex husband had a trust with a lot of money in it, by my standards growing up in an upper-middle class suburb (not enough that he didn’t have to work, but enough that he didn’t have to worry about savings or retirement). We used it for a down payment in a house, and he used it for undergrad and grad school, and we both worked.
But, having that trust definitely led to a sense of entitlement that I personally believe contributed to his affair and to our divorce. Good riddance. I’d rather have a good guy without the entitlement and money.
anonypotamus
Hahah I didn’t know my sister posted on here! This sounds eerily similar to my first marriage….
Anonymous
Means he’s getting a second date
Senior Attorney
Anecdote: I went to law school with somebody who was the heiress to a huge sports-equipment-related fortune and of course her parents paid her tuition and living expenses for school. She got married right after we graduated and OMG the wedding was super over-the-top even by today’s standards, and by the standards of the late 80s, before huge weddings were really A Thing, it was SUPER over-the-top. Anyway, the people at the “law school friends” table were talking at the reception and somebody sniffed, “well, this wedding is nice and all, but for what they spent on it, they could have bought them a house!” And somebody else said, “Oh, they did buy them a house — in Fancy Neighborhood in VHCOL Town!” Heh.
That’s Family Money to me.
Anon
I think I know their kids (or kids like them). They have 4 kids at $$$ private school. I was shocked, shocked! that the wife (his family has the $) worked, and in a male-dominated firm and pumped after each kid (so like 4 years of pumping, 4 years of being pregnant/post-partum). I just cannot imagine. I am not sure what the dad’s day-to-day is like, but his linked-in is something like “owns sports team, minority owner of other sports team, owns soda bottling company also,” so he may have people at work and people at home, but dude always takes his kids to/from sunday school (back when we had it) and I have one kid every other year in my class. They were sweet and you would really never guess any of this to see them.
Anonymous
It does not have to be multigenerational. My good friend’s father made a fortune. Not like $1M. Like has earned tens of millions per year for many years. She grew up in one of Those building on park ave in much and went to one of Those high schools, the family has houses on Islands (both long and carribean) and she and her sibling both have a trust fund of 8 figures.
Her grandparents owned a dairy farm on one side and a bakery on the other.
Capital F, Capital M
My family has money. My parents sent three children to college debt free and paid for three weddings. Their respective families did not have money but my dad happened into a career in finance (his mom did not work and his dad was retired military) at a small company that was bought and he got a modest buy out in his mid 30s that he smartly and aggressively invested. A combination of innate privilaged (white, middle class upbringing), financial literacy, priority setting and luck allowed them to be where they are today. I’m proud that my family’s money was earned and used in that way and I’m thankful they used what was left after college and weddings and that it will pay for their retirement and long-term care, but that’s about all it will do (which is a lot; don’t get me wrong – I’m aware..).
I don’t think my family has Family Money. That to me is multigenerational, I don’t need to save for retirement or work a job for the money type money.
Anonymous
I grew up in lower income, blue collar family (getting an education beyond high school was not a thing, everyone wears mostly thrift store clothes, traveling out of the state for a vacation was a huge deal and it was always driving and not flying etc.) Both my brother and I were able to purchase a house without getting a mortgage because of a life insurance payout after my mother was killed. My father used his share to pay off the mortgage and put aside for his retirement. We are by no means rich even now, I’m a public health worker and my brother and father are both bricklayers, but that life insurance payout did make a huge difference to us and I would consider it family money for us.
Anonymous
To me “family money” means wealth accumulated and passed down for more than just one generation.
Anon
I dont even know a middle class person who has inherited $350K or a paid down house. Sigh.
Anon
I think both your examples are family money. To me you have family money if you’ve inherited any significant amount of money (or the equivalent in a house, etc.) from your parents. “Significant” obviously depends on your standard of living – to me $10k inheritance is probably not enough for me to say someone has family money, but $100k definitely is. I don’t consider your parents paying for your education in full to be family money, but I know many people who do. I also don’t count inheritances before they happen, because you might not get the money. My parents are wealthy and I might inherit a lot of money when they die, but they might spend it all on end of life care, so I don’t think of myself as having family money (although I will if I end up inheriting the money). Their money is a safety net for me though, e.g., if husband and I both lost our jobs we know we would never lose our house because my parents would help us out before it came to that. So some people would probably think of that as family money even though I haven’t currently received anything from them beyond my education.
Anon
Does anyone have experience with roses in a container outdoors and can advise me? I have a decent size balcony/terrace (in NYC). It faces south but has walls on 3 sides and a roof and a building across the (wide) street so it gets lots of light but not full-sun-all-day. It’s mostly protected from wind and only gets a little rain. Last summer I had some annuals in window boxes and tomatoes in planters and they did really well. I’ve seen roses in giant containers on people’s patios/front yards in my neighborhood, so I know it’s possible, but I have no idea what to look for when I go to the nursery or if there’s anything I’m not considering.
Anon
I love Heirloom Roses’ selection: https://www.heirloomroses.com/roses/roses-for-containers.html
Anon
The big issue is going to be getting really big pots for them and making sure they get enough water on hot days. Like if you travel during the summer will someone water your roses every day during a heat spell?
I like David Austen roses – definitely check them out. You should also decide if you want hybrid tea roses (the only type that will give you long stemmed cut roses) or floribundas, grandifloras, shrub roses, etc.
I’m on the west coast snd grew several beautiful roses in half wine barrels until we moved to a bigger place, then I was able to plant them in the ground. But they lasted for years in the wine barrel.
Also pick up some systemic fertilizer. It should take care of all the common issues (rust, black spot, mildew, aphids) so that you don’t have to spray them all the time. Systemic fertilizers go into the soil.
OP
How big of a container do you recommend? I have my eye on some 16″ diameter planters, does that seem big enough? I have a cat, so when I’m away I have someone coming by every day and they water my outdoor plants too (they all need to be at least checked every day, and usually watered). Thank you!
Cat
Ours is in a 30″ pot and neighbors’ is in I would guess a 20-24″ pot. A rose will outgrow 16″.
Anon
Agree 16” isn’t big enough. I’d go as big as you can handle. Worst case it’s too big snd then you plant some lovely petunias, lobelia, and / or pansies to trail down the sides.
OP
Thank you! I’ll look for something 24-30″.
BabyAssociate
I also recommend David Austin roses and they have a few varieties they recommend specifically for container growing. I reached out to them with a few questions about growing a climbing rose in a container and they gave me an incredibly thorough and helpful response.
Anon
They’re also bred to be a little more disease resistant and have a long bloom season. Really no downsides to David Austen roses. It’s great to hear they have awesome customer service too!
Cat
Our container rose has lasted successfully (mostly) for 5 years or so. South facing house. They can require a lot of hand-holding – checking for pests, fungus, etc.
Our neighbors bought a Knock-Out Rose and it’s been very low maintenance in comparison, but the blooms are a lot smaller.
Anon for this
I just lost the biggest case of my career. I’m currently sick to my stomach waiting for my bosses to respond to the email with the news. Any advice appreciated.
AFT
Hi! BTDT. It honestly wasn’t as bad as I’d thought with a little distance. For better or worse, it’s impossible to predict how a judge/jury will decide a case, and sometimes you lose. Don’t beat yourself up and try to keep perspective. Definitely treat yourself with any takeout, drinks of choice, or retail therapy as you nurse your wounds. Keep in mind that a loss doesn’t define you or your skill as an advocate.
Anonymous
Ugh, the worst. I’ve been there, too. Do what you can to clear your calendar today, if that’s what you need.
Anon
I know that feeling. Try to remember, every case that doesn’t settle has a winner and a loser. If it wasn’t a super close case, it would have settled. None of that is a reflection of your skills as an advocate.
Senior Attorney
This. You are not responsible for the facts or the law or the judge or the jury.
That said, I know it’s awful. Hugs to you from another BTDT.
RR
Also BTDT. It completely sucks. I spent a long time beating myself up, but ultimately I didn’t make any major mistakes. Sometimes you lose. If a case makes it to trial, that should mean that it could very much go either way, and no litigator has all cases go their way. It’s a right of passage in what will still be a long, great litigation career. Take the punches, keep putting one foot in front of the other, and as soon as you can, take a few days alone for self care. This too shall pass.
(Mine was a $50 million dollar judgment against my client. That alone might make you feel better.)
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I try to remember when I go through something awful that I will feel better about this in a day, even more so in a week, and a month out and a year out it won’t feel like much of anything. You will get through this.
With your boss, I would avoid being either defensive or apologetic. Hold you ground and learn from this experience. The smarts that enabled you to get this job will help you land on your feet.
No Face
The best litigators all lose cases. It absolutely sucks, and I hate hate hate the feeling. But it is a part of the job. I know many experienced lawyers who say that they have won cases that they definitely should have lost, and lost cases they definitely should have won.
When I was a very, very junior lawyer I assisted with a trial. The lead attorney was phenomenal in every single way. Still lost though.
No Face
When I have a big win or a big loss, I handle what absolutely needs to be handled that day and then take the rest of the day off. I recommend you do the same.
Anon
Yes, this. As litigators, we don’t control the underlying facts of the case — we get involved after the main events have already happened. So no matter how amazing we are (and I’m sure you were amazing!), sometimes we just lose because the facts were against us, or the jury or judge were against us. It’s not necessarily a reflection of your skill or efforts.
Daffodil
That sucks, I’m sorry. As others have noted, you can only work with the facts you have, and the judge/jury you’re given. All you can do is give it your best.
Anon
Resilience. This is how you build resilience. We win and we lose. Take a little time and then go focus on the next case. Look forward, not back. Bjorn Borg’s secret to success – focus on winning the next shot; forget about the last one you missed.
all about eevee
It could be worse. HBO or Netflix could be filming a documentary about your case. Imagine how those guys feel.
anon
I’m sorry. It’s an awful feeling. It’ll eventually pass. I lost a case and got hit with a $1,000,000 verdict a few months after it almost settled at mediation for $50,000ish. (That’s what it eventually settled for after appeals and more briefing in the trial court.) I would literally list all of the things that contributed to the outcome that were out of my control. The judge made several reversible errors, the jury does not understand the value of a dollar, our “star” witness shat the bed entirely. He was unlikable, the facts stunk. You can’t control the underlying facts, you can’t control the law, you can’t control the venue, you can’t control the judge, you can’t control the jurors.
Sometimes I think I put pressure on myself to ensure outcomes that are simply impossible based on the facts and law, out of what I’m sure is some pathological people-pleasing compulsion Despite what clients sometimes appear to think, lawyers aren’t magicians. You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. We can’t put our magic lawyer fingers on a problem and make it all better or find the perfect answer. All you can do is make the best case you can and give the best advice you can. I’ve got another little case that the partner I work for took as a favor for a friend that plagues me with its hopelessness. We can’t recover more than 25k for this poor 80 year old woman who was severely injured in a car accident. Partner keeps pushing to find some way to get her more money and explore every option. (We’re not even charging her fees; I would rather have cut her a check instead of spending the amount of time I’ve spent on this.) I didn’t hit her with my car. I didn’t make the defendant get a crappy insurance policy. I didn’t make him file for bankruptcy. It’s not my fault that he wasn’t driving while acting in the scope of his employment (therefore, no other insurance). It’s not my fault that Medicare asserts liens on settlements. We’ve done all we can. I can’t hop in my time machine and fix the underlying facts.
Anon
I know it feels awful, but just remember you can do 100% your best possible job as a lawyer and still lose the case, or the big motion, or the big appeal. That’s how this job works. It’s hard, but you’ll get through it. We have all been there.
Anonymous
Share your stories please — do you have parents who don’t know/don’t care what you do for a living still? I don’t often talk about my work (because I know they don’t care). Yesterday out of the blue one of them asks — so what kind of cases do you work on? I’m not a big talker so we both knew I’d answer this in 45 seconds, not a half hr explanation. In that 45 seconds, parent turns on the TV and is GLUED to whatever is on, totally ignoring that I’m speaking. Uh thanks for asking. Same thing again later on re- why do you want to work hard anyway. I didn’t even respond because I didn’t want to discuss but it’s like after 40 years of knowing me do you not realize that I’m the type of person that’s happier in all aspects of my life when I’m busy??
Yet these same people if you ever talk about money (salary; benefits — I don’t discuss it really) OMG they will drop everything and come over from another room and listen and make mental notes; same with always knowing exactly how well off every cousin etc. is though to hear them tell it cousins etc. are doing soooo well while their own kids are just ok (bc cousins live in Texas etc. in flashy mansions while their own kids are in NYC and DC in apartments that cost close to those mansions because of location but the flash isn’t there). I mean I chalk it up to them being boomers who were always into jobs where you work precisely until 5 pm and make money — didn’t matter the work; plus now having been retired for 10+ years (early retirement), they are so divorced from the working world and have all these weird notions of how it is/should be. Anyone else experience this?
Anonymous
Yes except not the money part. It’s very, very typical for my parents to ask “what do you do again exactly?” and then just…not remember. It’s annoying and hurtful but I’ve had a lifetime of practice in brushing it off.
Anon
Yes, and it got worse with age. It was very hurtful, and I never figured out a way to get them to change. I grew up in an emotionally abusive home (not saying that’s the case for you) and was already in therapy to address that. I had to work hard in that context to accept that the situation was going to be what it was going to be and the other relationships in my life would always be more fulfilling than the relationship with my parents.
Anon
I don’t think my mom ever understood what I did, and it even took her a while to learn the word (actuary). But most people don’t understand what we do!! She constantly asked me why I couldn’t just work at the big insurance agency in my semi rural hometown. Haha. But the money was something she could understand so she was definitely more focused on that. I didn’t ever tell her the numbers because it would have turned into a whole Thing, and she certainly wouldn’t have been able to keep it to herself.
So she knew I did well, that I worked in insurance, that I earned more than my husband – which she saw as a huge problem – and that I traveled a lot. That was it.
But did I really need her to know more than that? Did I want to discuss the finer points of actuarial science with her? No. It was fine that she didn’t really get what I do. Overall she was proud of me and that was enough.
Cat
They don’t really care about the day-to-day. But honestly, I don’t mind? I mean did you really care exactly how your parents filled their hours at work, or were you just a content kid because they came home, weren’t too grumpy about their day, and paid attention to you?
Their caring is similar in reverse – they’re happy about its effect on me as a person (that I’m reasonably happy with my job, that it supports me, that I’m intellectually stimulated based on their knowledge of me as a smart kid, etc). They listen to funny stories about coworkers because those are more universally relatable, but if I tried talking to them about a particular negotiation their eyes would glaze over. And that’s ok.
Anon
My parents both worked in the public sector, doing jobs that had clear, publicly-searchable salary progression. My field is privately-owned tech, working with intellectual property. They spent years asking me intrusive questions I could not answer without violating NDAs, then acted offended and hurt when I would respond with vague generalities.
We’ve now settled on not really talking about my career at all, because they could just never understand that the type of conversations they were used to are totally unreasonable in my industry.
Anonymous
Yeah my family basically has no idea what I do they just parrot the ‘over paid public servant’ conservative talking point nonsense. What makes an it worse is that my family is basically morally bankrupt and will work for whomever pays the highest: oil, gas, MLMs, tabacco, alcohol, you name it they’ve done it, and at high levels too where they make 100s of thousands a year.
Anonymous
I don’t know, I wouldn’t particularly want to talk to my parents about their jobs either, so I don’t take this personally, although of course it is rude to ask a question and not listen to the answer. My dad was a civil engineer and worked with wastewater treatment. It’s just not one of my interests, to put it mildly. I really have no idea what he did all day. I love him, not his job. My mother eventually became a landscape architect, which seems more straightforward at least. I went to art school and became a fundraiser for arts organizations. It sounds like your parents did not particularly like their jobs but were very motivated by money, whereas you may be more into your actual work? Is it possible there are also class differences at play, e.g., are you first generation middle (or upper middle class)? My dad’s parents especially had blue collar jobs to keep food on the table, and they worked split shifts so someone would be home to take care of my Dad when he was little. The idea of having a fulfilling job is a luxury that became possible to me, but wasn’t necessarily open to generations before with less wealth.
Elsa
I actually do talk to them a lot about deciding which job to take and sometimes workplace dynamics, but my medical-field mom just doesn’t understand what a data engineer does all day and why its interesting, no matter how I’ve tried to explain it to her. Idk it interests me, it pays well, I have a good career, what else mattes.
Anonymous
My parents and in-laws are incapable of understanding what my husband and I do, and have no interest in trying. They do like to be able to brag about accomplishments for which they have some frame of reference, even if they’re not things that matter much. So, for example, the in-laws were very impressed when I “was an invited panelist to give a talk at Yale.” I literally talked for 5 minutes about a topic that was not my original research, but they were very proud because Ivy League. They have no interest in the massive, important, $$$ research projects on which I am principal investigator.
It hurts my husband’s feelings that they don’t ask about or understand what we do, but I just chalk it up to generational and occupational differences. MIL and FIL were salespeople and executives. They schmoozed for a living. They have no lens through which to understand the complicated tech stuff my husband does or the research I do. It is what it is. We can connect over the things we do have in common.
CountC
My parents know I went to law school, they probably remember I took the bar exam(s), but I cannot imagine they have any idea what I do other than “lawyer.” Also fine by me. I don’t need my parents to care about what I do for a living, it’s not something we talk about honestly. However, based on past discussions, I realize I have a much more distant relationship with my parents than many posters here.
Senior Attorney
Haha this post is making me think parents just can’t win.
I am FASCINATED by what my son does for a living but he rarely volunteers anything about it, and every time I see or talk to him I have to bite my tongue lest I come off as intrusive or nosy or clingy or whatever. And now I find out he’s probably posting on some message board somewhere that I don’t care about his career… ;)
Anonymous
It does seem that parents just can’t win, based on a lot of the things posted here and on the moms’ page. My favorite was the person who complained here that as a child she resented her sloppy, depressed mom and wished she could have a mom like her friend’s, who got up at 4:00 a.m. to run so she’d stay slim, then baked fresh breakfast treats for her family and went to work stylishly dressed. There have been tons of other posts about how people’s parents ruined their lives by not being perfect, don’t want to keep the family home after retirement, don’t help out enough with the grandkids, etc.
My husband and I have spent the last 14 years doing everything we possibly can to provide a stable, loving home for our daughter. I’m certain she’ll spend her adult life complaining to some therapist about how her terrible selfish parents were the cause of all her problems. Honestly, it’s enough to make one wish one had never become a parent.
Anon
+1 to parents can’t win
AnonInfinity
I guess for me, the disinterest in my career was a continuation of a lifetime of not seeming to care about me or my needs. It seems like you’re an otherwise interested parent, so I wouldn’t worry too much either way.
Anon
Similar. They were proud of me graduating and proud of me getting a job when those things happened, but other than that, don’t put much effort into inquiring about my day to day work. They verbally congratulate when reaching a new milestone, then move on. It doesn’t bother me, people, even parents, aren’t required to always be interested in work that, lbh, even we probably find boring a good chunk of the time. I barely know what they did for a living and that’s fine too. My parents generally know what I do (as in child is a lawyer and she works with contracts) and otherwise treat me like all other siblings, and that’s perfectly fine.
Walnut
So I’m in a super niche of a niche type of career. My parents understand what I do at the 10,000 foot level, but the day to day nuance definitely blows their mind. My Mom and extended family are conversationalists by nature and could literally carry on with a tree stump, so career chat comes up often. I usually reference back to “oh man, new legislation/regulation is intense right now” or reference something the company is doing that is in the news that I may have tangentially worked on. I guarantee I would put everyone to sleep if I spent too much time talking about the weeds of my work.
anne-on
Yes, my parents still don’t know what I do. They know (and happily brag) about my brand name company and my level but couldn’t tell you my actual department if you paid them.
This is just one in a myriad of issues, and no, we are not especially close. Also curious for you if it’s a daughter vs. son thing (you’ll be shocked to hear they know allll about my brother’s work).
Anon
Can we just agree that the characterization of the response as “them being boomers”who meet a particular profile is ageist in a way that folks wouldn’t dream of characterizing people based on other demographic characteristics? My sympathies to OP for having self-absorbed and disinterested parents, but it is not because they are boomers. I see posts using boomer disparagingly on the list regularly. There are awful people in every generation, as well as wonderful people. Using a label as shorthand for a negative bias is offensive.
Anon
Okay, boomer.
OP
Actually, I am 33 but I am offended whenever I see a label used pejoratively. This seems to occur on this list regularly with respect to boomer regularly. I don’t object to generational labels when they are not used as shorthand for perceived negative characteristics.
Anon
10-4, dinosaur.
Anon
Are you three? JFC. OP, ignore this tr011. Obviously people are rude as you are seeing here.
Anon
No.
Anonymous
Nope we cant
anonshmanon
If you search this page for ‘boomers’, you get 177 hits, if you search for millenials, you get 161, Gen Z yields 111, gen X yields 292.
Anon
Right—but if any label is used as shorthand for a particular set of negative characteristics, is it different than saying “them being black” which we would universally reject (I hope)?
anonshmanon
no, disparaging a group of people who collectively hold most of the wealth and power in our society is not the same as anti-black racism.
Anon
But the stereotyping of the parents had nothing whatsoever to do with wealth and economics, just being disinterested in their daughter’s career. Which is sad, but it has zero to do with a negative use of the term boomer.
anonshmanon
I reread the sentence from the above OP again, and it really only says (paraphrasing) ‘I chalk it up to them being from that generation that experienced a different work life in the following specific terms and also now having been removed from professional life for some time’. This is true for a lot of the baby boomer generation, and there are objective metrics to prove it. Look at average age for buying first home, average wealth, age for landing their first permanent Job, what have you. Their very different experience (on average) is cited to explain their attitudes towards choices made by younger generations (tale as old as time).
Anon
I agree with you, and to the No people, it seems very Millenial to me that OP of the other post needs her parents to sit down and be 100% absorbed in and fascinated by the details of her job.
See how that works?
Anon
Right. If it’s ok to stereotype . . . .
Anon Millenial
That’s not what that OP said. She said that her parents didn’t know what kind of cases she handles, and when they asked her, did not have the attention span to listen to a 45 second explanation. I don’t think she’s asking too much.
My mom and I are not close and speak only a couple of times a month, but she knows not only what my general practice area is but what kind of cases I specialize in. When I have a trial (a few times a year), I mention it and she asks me about the general outline/facts of the case. Otherwise we don’t talk about my work except generalities — busy, not busy. I think this is a reasonable baseline expectation. I have a child and I cannot imagine not knowing this kind of basic stuff about her life — if she grows up to be a rocket scientist, I probably won’t be able to understand the details of her work on jet fuel, but I’ll be able to tell you that she’s working on jet fuel.
Anon
Really living up to that stereotype of needing praise and constant attention there
Anonymous
Expecting attention to remain on you for less than a minute to respond to a question that they asked you is hardly excessive.
anon
Lol at the idea that it’s overly needy to expect a few minutes of attention from your own parents. I sure hope you have higher standards in your personal life than what you seem to be advocating for on here.
anon
I mean doesn’t this just seem like an obvious result of Boomers’ helicopter parenting and obsession with our education and development of appropriate extracurricular activities and skills needed to attain said successful professional life?
Boomer parents going to micromanage our entire young adult lives to ensure we’re taking the appropriate number of AP classes, following our passions, volunteering in all the right things to get into a Good College, and then all the sudden they don’t give AF? Seems weird.
To be clear, I think intergenerational stereotyping is crap and a total waste of time and energy.
Anon
Yeah that’s my point. Stereotypes are not cool. Everyone is an individual.
Anon
No. My grandparents were awesome in all the ways my own boomer parents were not. I guess you could say it’s “generationist,” but this seems a little silly. People don’t throw around these labels just based on birth year; they throw them around when someone lives up to the stereotype.
Anon
It’s based on a generational stereotype not ageism. If your parents don’t fall into the generation’s stereotype good for you. But they were like that when they were in their 40s too.
LeeB
Agree 1000%
Anon
You know that Boomer itself is the name of the generation, not a slur, right? They’ve been called baby boomers their whole lives.
Anon
This thing of naming every generation is a relatively new phenomenon. The term “baby boomer” wasn’t used until the 70s and Gen X was not so called until the 90s (I’m Gen X and I clearly remember a time in my 20s when that term started to be popularly used to describe my age group, when before it wasn’t). I think it’s divisive and pits different age groups against each other, and I agree with OP that these generational names are sometimes used in an ageist way.
Lilau
I think it’s a fair comment. It’s undeniable that people of this generation experienced an increase unparalleled economic prosperity during their lifetimes compared to their own parents and children. We need to talk about the fact that most boomers live in homes far nicer than those of their own parents and sometimes wonder why their children cannot do the same. They often fail to recognize that, by and large, that generational increase in economic prosperity did not continue. It’s a real cultural and historic phenomenon.
Emma
I mean, I kind of agree. Not sure how old OP is, but I’m 31 and my parents aren’t boomers, I think (born in the early 1960s). They also both had demanding careers and were never the clock out at 5 type. They know exactly what I do (M&A Lawyer in biglaw) and I frequently discuss job dynamics with them. I realize this might not be the case for everyone, but lots of my friends’ parents also had this type of career, so I don’t think it’s a generational things across the board.
Senior Attorney
I’m a Baby Boomer (yes, we’ve totally been called that our whole lives) and I was today years old when I learned that supposedly we were “clock out at 5 types.” I thought we were the evil hard-bitten careerists. Go figure, man.
Curious
I thought you were the hippies who eventually had to get corporate jobs but still have ideals, in comparison to my “evil Yippie corporate” Gen Y dad (who meets the corporate stereotype but not Yippie at all).
Senior Attorney
Oh, right. I forgot about that. It’s been a while.
But swear to God I never ever heard the punch out at 5 thing.
Senior Attorney
And also Yippie = Abbie Hoffman on The Chicago Seven. Yuppie = your evil dad.
Anon
I thought Gen Y were Millenials. Is your dad 40 or under? It went Boomer, Gen X, Millenial (a name for Gen Y) and now Gen Z.
Senior Attorney
Also, Emma, the Baby Boom is generally defined as 1946-1964.
Anonymous
I think there is something to the idea that boomers graduated into a working world that was much different than today’s, and they can’t relate to the struggles younger and mid-career workers currently face. My older boomer in-laws were moderately attractive and very outgoing white people of average-ish intelligence, and so life was just handed to them on a platter. They think they earned everything through hard work, talent, and virtue, and assume that because all their Gen-X kids are having a more difficult time, it’s because we don’t work as hard as they did. That’s not a generational stereotype. It’s reality based on different lived experiences.
Senior Attorney
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Swear to God, we used to say the same thing about our parents who came of age in the post-WWII era. (Also key word always is “white.”)
Anon
Emma your parents are boomers, just late boomers.
Coach Laura
This reminds me of the famous “The Skirt” from circa 2012 on this site. My favorite work skirt ever, and the ponte fabric was the reason.
Parental Problems
My parents are building a house about 45 minutes away from me to be closer and their house won’t be ready until August. They were supposed to rent a short-term house until it was ready, but at the last minute decided to sell all their stuff and travel the country. I tried to tell them why this was a bad idea – they don’t like driving, there’s a pandemic (they’re vaccinated), they don’t like being tourists in cities, they had no plan, etc. I also impressed upon them multiple times that if they weren’t having fun, they’d need to get an Airbnb or rental house since they couldn’t stay here. They also scheduled a bunch of doctors appointments in my city, so I knew they’d be here a couple of days a week for the first few weeks.
We’re currently on week 3 and lo and behold, they don’t like traveling. They like being here because they’re comfortable and they don’t have to drive and unpack suitcases. I reiterated again last week that they couldn’t just stay here and was barraged with my dad calling me selfish and spoiled and all the other things a quick-to-anger dad does. Each week they keep staying longer and longer because of “weather” or new appointments or because they couldn’t figure out where to go. They were supposed to be leaving this Sunday and then come back on Thursday – however, they just walked into my home office to say that they made an appointment with a furniture store on Sunday, so they’re just not going to leave. When they saw my facial expression, they were like “what’s the big deal?” and I responded that I don’t want them living with me for the next 6 months and I couldn’t figure out why a furniture store appointment on Sunday should stop them from leaving. Cue my dad freaking out and stomping out of the house.
On the one hand, they run errands every day from about 11-6, so they’re not constantly here. Then we all go out to dinner, which they insist on paying for and then they watch tv in their room. So, to their point, they’re not here constantly. On the other hand, my dad makes passive aggressive comments about my weight or diet and if they’re in the house, they’re constantly hovering or trying to listen in on work calls or my very first therapy session last week. I also can’t have friends over, which has been my entire social life during the pandemic (“but why, we’re cool! We’ll stay in our room if you have friends over!”). I’m also worried about this creep I see – first it’s an extra day here, then two extra days, then a whole extra week. The more comfortable they get here, the harder it’s going to be to get them out. I want to return to normal life where I cook my own dinners or can have friends over or don’t have the added stress of them hovering/sniping at me. I’m trying to figure out a way to have this discussion with them calmly, since they don’t understand my perspective at all, as well as trying to decide whether it’s just not worth fighting with them over the coming week and to let them stay here for two weeks straight and then have the fight the next time they just don’t want to leave.
Anon
I am so sorry. This 100% sounds like something my parents would do. I can say from experience that trying to have a rational discussion with them doesn’t work for me. They’re not rational and won’t be convinced by rational or logical reasoning. On the other hand my therapist says I have some learned helplessness about not standing up to them because I feel like nothing’s going to change. Haven’t quite worked out yet a good middle ground, though.
Anonymous
You don’t need to convince them. You just need to escort them to the door and change the locks.
Senior Attorney
Exactly. They don’t need to see things your way. They just need to leave.
Tyra
Sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with them. They will guilt, manipulate, and pout. But be ready for hard feelings and a big battle. They might give you the silent treatment and disparage you to relatives. But you’ll be free. I suspect this isn’t a one-off case. Best of luck and don’t back down. Easy advice to give, hard to execute (I know from experience). Freedom is not free…
Anonymous
Fight this fight today.
Anonymous
So talk to your new therapist, but my sense is your parents are going to be unhappy with you no matter what. You can have them unhappy with you and living with you, or you can have them unhappy with you and living somewhere else. I would pick option B and have the talk. Give them a deadline and hold them to it. E.g., I need you to find somewhere else to stay within 2 weeks. After that time, you can’t stay here. If they ask why, just say, “I’m not comfortable with it. I’m an adult and prefer living alone.” I would not engage in a longer discussion about why; it isn’t going to help – it isn’t like if they just stop doing X (or spending 1 more hour away from the house or whatever) you will want them living with you for 6 months, so no need to get into problem solving. Just keep repeating your boundary – they have to go. They will be mad. They will get over it.
Anonymous
PS – I know this is much easier said than done and my heart goes out to you. I’m just trying to point out you probably can’t make them happy, so you might as well do what you can to make yourself happier.
Anon
Who cares if they pout or get angry? You need to stop this now.
Parental Problems
OP here – thank you all. They’ve been making me feel like I’m the unreasonable one, so I needed some support to reassure myself that taking a hard position with them isn’t selfish or ungrateful. Tonight should be fun…
Coach Laura
Help them find a good vrbo or airBnB nearby. There still should be good rates, at least for a 2-3 week stay.
Anon
You can’t kick them out and have them be happy about it. So kick them out and allow them to be unhappy. This is their doing. Did they pay for your house? If not, they’re not entitled to stay there without your permission.
Fullyfunctional
I was feeling so guilty about having just asked my (super hovering) mom to leave after 5 days but y’all are making me feel better. I just like living alone.
anon
Regular poster going anon here. I keep having fantasies about getting a divorce and being left to my own devices – to decorate, for my own circadian rhythms, eating and entertainment preferences, etc. I love my husband but I feel like I’ve somehow let a lot of my own desires disappear over the decade we’ve been married and I’m not sure how to reassert them without a big conflict. He has had a very challenging few years with family losses and a new, difficult job, and a few months ago began taking meds to help his depression. Lockdowns haven’t helped either. How do you know whether wanting to be single again is a real feeling or just a symptom of Covid and these times? Therapy? A week away in a hotel? What I’d really like is for him to go away for a long weekend, but I’ve asked a few times and it’s a nonstarter.
CountC
I would want to go to therapy to help process my feelings around this and then I would also take a long weekend away on my own to have a break. I know you said you want him to, but can you do that instead? I realize it would be nice to be in your own home, but . . .
Anon
Therapy, 100%. Why won’t he go away with you for a long weekend? Challenging family losses and depression aren’t excuses to dismiss your perfectly reasonable desires.
Anon
I think she’s asking him to go away alone and leave her at home. I can understand why that doesn’t go over very well! It sounds like she could really use a little time to herself, but she probably needs to be the one to go away, not exile him from their house. All of that said, it might not only be the pandemic, but it’s probably making this worse. I’m pretty sure everyone who lives with a partner and is spending all their time together at home feels a little like this right now.
Anon
Agree with this. You can’t demand your partner go away. If you want space and he doesn’t, it has to be you who goes away, OP.
Anon
Oooh okay! Definitely read that wrong.
Senior Attorney
Agree with the other posters: A week away by yourself and therapy.
Also, I hesitate to say this because COVID times are so not-like-other-times, but based on my experience and the tales my divorce-lawyer husband tells, and the experience of my friends, I am starting to think that if you ever find yourself seriously thinking of divorce, you should just do it then and there because you are going to do it eventually.
Anon
Haven’t been there in a marriage, but this was definitely my experience in prior serious relationships. When I found myself looking on Craigslist for studio apartments, that really should have been the time I ended it, but I waited another 7 months and it just got worse.
Explorette
I understand! I think you need a week away. Then ask yourself if you can really picture a life without him, or are you just needing to find your own space with him in your life? I was single for a very long time before meeting my SO, and I struggle sometimes with wanting to go back to my life where I could always do what I want when I want. I have gotten very aggressive about enforcing the things I need, like when I go to bed, making sure I have a weekend to myself once a month, taking alone time every day by taking the dogs for a long walk, etc. I had to figure out exactly what I needed to be happy, and then make sure those things happen. Take a week, do some thinking, and if you come out on the other side that you still want him out of your life, you know what you need to do.
Anonymous
I feel this and it sucks. I don’t have a solution only sympathies.
Anon
I could have written this. I’ve completely given up on media because my husband is a needy toddler who demands my full attention on him at all times. I can’t pay attention to a movie, show, or book long enough to grasp the plot. Then he complains that nothing interests me.
I daydream of a quiet, sparse, clean home without pets (which I didn’t want, but got saddled with cleaning up after). He is a low-key hoarder who surrounds me with useless tchotchkes.
The idea of setting something down and coming back later to find it untouched, exactly where I left it, is like p0rn to me.
Anon
I used to fantasize about having stacks and stacks of books and velvet and silky cotton bedclothes in shades of pink, and lying in bed reading whenever I wanted to without someone bugging me about it. Then I got divorced and did exactly that. It was as glorious as I thought it would be.
I’m now married to someone who doesn’t care if I read all day and would only interrupt me to ask if I’d like him to bring me a cup of tea. Our comforter cover is dusty pink. He doesn’t care. Our s3x life is amazing.
Anonymous
I don’t know, but I relate (although I basically am left to my own devices currently,because my husband and I literally don’t interact except around our kids – we even have separate bedrooms, although to be fair that predates our marriage troubles). I fantasize all the time about a male colleague who shares some of my interests that my husband doesn’t. I haven’t seen this guy in person in a year and they’re not even s3xual fantasies at all! Just like him and me doing something we both enjoy that my husband does not and laughing and sharing inside jokes about it and then cuddling with more laughing and connecting over our shared interests…it’s extremely G rated and basically a 10 year girl’s fantasy of what marriage is like. It would be less confusing if they were R rated fantasies but they’re not. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I love and respect my husband and really don’t want to blow up my family but we just don’t have a lot in common and Covid has taken away the ways we used to connect, plus we don’t see eye-to-eye on re-entering the world post-Covid. My husband says he would be very happy never traveling or going out to a restaurant or movie again, and that’s not a life I want even though I think of myself as very introverted. I think if I basically order him to do things with me, he will, especially if I threaten divorce, but I hate feeling like I have to twist his arm to do these things I enjoy and (I thought?) we used to enjoy together. I know if we were divorced I wouldn’t have a partner for these things either, but I’ve heard people say it’s lonelier to feel alone in a relationship than to actually be alone, and I think there’s some truth to that. Our kids are very little and I can’t imagine going on this way for another 15+ years until they’re in college, but I also can’t imagine not being with my kids half the time. I want to go to marriage counseling but he won’t. I keep meaning to do individual therapy but haven’t made it a priority to find someone. I know I should do that.