Coffee Break: Clare Slingback

168 Comments

1. I have zero need for a $700 pair of pumps in my life, but that is a gorgeous shoe.

   1. Ditto!!

   2. I visually love slingbacks, but they are so noisy on stairs. That said, my most spendy shoes are slingbacks (Ferragamo slingback ~1.25″ chunky heels — do they even make them anymore?).

      1. I wore my favorite M. Gemi heels yesterday and realized immediately that I need to get the taps changed out to rubber. They were jarringly loud and I am just no longer used to hearing that. I also couldn’t remember the maker, it’s been so long since I wore them or shopped for higher-end heels, and at the end of the day I had to look inside to remind myself. That said, I have realized I have waaay too many shoes so really don’t expect to shop for anything but some sandals the rest of the year. I do love these slingbacks and get a lot of use out of my yellow flats across all seasons.

2. I’m getting my first vaccine tonight!!! So excited :)

   1. Yay!!

   2. Yay!!!

   3. Woohoo! Just got my first today, too.

      1. Yay!

   4. I had my vaccines in January, but am immune compromised. Found out today that I did make spike proteins so I do have some level of immunity. Still going to mask 24/7, not go to grocery stores, work from home and not eat indoors at restaurants. But I have some hope of normal life in July or September when more people have had the vaccine and the case levels go down. And I no longer have to worry about dying from covid.

      1. How do you find out about the spike proteins? I don’t have a primary immune issue but I take Humira so it’s not clear whether I will have a full vaccine response.

      2. Congratulations by the way!!

3. Is there a place/real estate website where you can set up an alert to know if a specific address comes up for sale? I’m not looking to buy (so don’t have an agent or anything), but I want to know if a house my family used to own comes up for sale because I’m dying to see the inside these days. It’s on the other side of the country so I wouldn’t stumble across any listings in the local news. I couldn’t find anything on Zillow, which is my usual real-estate-stalking go-to. Any ideas?

   1. Why not just draw a small map on zillow around the house? Maybe include some area around it to make the map work.

   2. If the area is on Redfin, if you “heart”/favorite it with an account it should email you if the status changes (ie gets listed for sale). I did this for my childhood home too.

      1. Perfect, thanks!!

4. Talk to me about bad acne that isn’t quite cystic acne. My teen has gotten it seemingly out of nowhere as puberty has progressed. Kiddo is doing what the ped recommended, but my guess is that it is hormonal with the challenge of really oily skin. Topicals aren’t really helping (or aren’t curing it, even if they mitigate it somewhat). I am guessing that once sunscreen season hits in a month, that will really clog up pores.

   When I was a kid, accutane was the way to go and my husband was on it (and a stepkid). For a girl though, that would also mean going on the pill, which just seems like a lot of meds (kid has another underlying condition with daily meds). I have really oily skin in my family and I get breakouts still, so we commiserate. While we wait to get in with the good derm, what are things to think about or consider? I just don’t want any scarring and kiddo has been happy to be on zoom school while this is all going on, but in-person is restarting.

   1. If it’s hormonal you could try the pill alone, which helped my acne immensely. Please don’t let her suffer just because you don’t want her on meds. Meds are there to help.

      1. +1 The pill really helped my bad acne due to hormones + oily skin. I wish my parents had let me get on it earlier, as I might have skipped some years of painful, awful-looking acne and bad scarring. I would also suggest you teach her about chemical vs manual exfoliation. As a teen, I thought the St Ives scrubs were the best possible things to clear out my face when what I really needed was a good cleanser with salicylic acid, twice weekly stronger salicylic acid wipes, benzoyl peroxide to spot treat, and those K-beauty pimple patches (total game changer since I discovered them 2 years ago!!).

         1. Tell me more about these k-beauty pimple patches, preferably with links. Because at 36 my acne still isn’t under control unless I take antibiotics (which I’m not willing to do all the time)

   2. Knowing the potential side effects from Accutane and from BC pills, I would never put a teen on either no matter how bad the acne.

      My teen has found that shampoo makes a big difference. Some shampoos seem to cause terrible breakouts on her forehead. On the other hand, she finds that Head and Shoulders is helpful as a face wash. Go figure.

      To prevent scarring, try hydrocolloid patches on bad blemishes and make sure she’s not picking. For me, Retin-A helped get rid of some old acne scars.

      1. Good thing you’re not a doctor cause this is ignorant

      2. There’s a hair care line called Seen that is formulated by a dermatologist to be non-comedogenic. It can also be purchased in fragrance-free versions, if that is desired.

   3. Not what you asked, but it’s so screwed up to me that they force you onto birth control. If I got pregnant on Accutane, I would get an abortion, but they don’t let that be one of the options.

      1. Agreed. I don’t mean to brag, but . . . The number of pregnancy tests I took while on Accutane minus the number of times I had sex while on Accutane = the number of pregnancy tests I took while on Accutane. But I still had to be on the pill and swear I’d use a second conception prevention method every time I got a refill.

      2. Think about how many young teenage girls might get pregnant without realizing it or live in a state where they can’t get an abortion easily.

         1. And think about all the young girls who don’t “garden” who are being forced onto hormonal BC just because some man thought they couldn’t be trusted not to get pregnant while on Accutane. The idea that no one who chooses abstinence is telling the truth is very, very destructive.

         2. Yep. When I was younger I didn’t understand why they forced you onto it. Now that I understand the massive disparities in reproductive health access, I get it. Plus, some teens truly might not want an abortion and won’t rationally consider the implications of not having safe sex/having a baby with potentially terrible birth defects. This seemed crazy to me when I was 16, but, people are different.

      3. Wow, wouldn’t this force kids out of the closet? I wouldn’t be willing to screw up my body with BCP if I didn’t date men.

         1. Only if they chose to be dramatic about it. Birth control is non negotiable for Accutane.

            1. Gross. Bodily autonomy is a thing.

         2. It’s almost as though you’re not aware that BCP have many health benefits, including migraine management, period management, and reduction in certain types of cancer. I wouldn’t hesitate to put a teen on BCP if medically appropriate.

            1. It’s almost as though you’re not unaware that isn’t the case for everyone. Per my endocrinologist, it did me more harm than good.

         3. This is a weird take. I wasn’t sexually active in high school but took birth control pills for menstrual cramps. I’m straight but if I’d been a lesbian, I would have taken the BCP just the same. It’s a medicine, it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

   4. I took Accutane in my mid 20s and really (REALLY) wish I had done it earlier. While I’m not suggesting you jump right into it without trying other things first, please don’t prevent her from using it just because of the birth control element.

      What kinds of topicals are you trying? Differin is sold over the counter now, so that might be a good first step while waiting to get in with a derm.

   5. So yes the answer is going to the dermatologist. And then listening to what they say and doing it.

      If you’re looking for a stop gap solution while you wait for an appointment (sounds like you have already booked it?), tinted moisturizer and concealer.

   6. I took Accutane without being on the pill as a teen. I vaguely remember signing some pledge that I would use two forms of birth control if I did have sex, which I didn’t because I was like 13. FWIW birth control pills worked better for me, though.

      1. Yeah things have changed a lot

   7. Take her to a dermatologist. Agree with others, if the topicals aren’t doing it try the birth control pill. Accutane if she has “pizza face” – I’m sorry, that is such an offensive term but I had it too, and you know it when you see it.

      If she does end up on Accutane a lot of derms will want her to be on the pill anyway, so it makes sense to start with the pill. Accutane is a process with a lot of maintenance during – regular blood tests and lots of things you have to do to deal with the side effects on eyes, lips, etc.

      And I would just like to put my plug in here – acne is not a result of laziness or bad diet. It’s a disease that can leave permanent scarring and can have horrible effects on the psyche. It should be handled like any other disease – treated and not judged. “Just wash your face” or “try this serum” is not helpful for anyone with a serious case of acne.

      1. Ps the preaching was not directed at you, mom!

         But seriously. Your pediatrician knows next to nothing about serious acne compared to a dermatologist.

      2. +1 please take her to a derm if you can afford it. My parents could not and I’ve spent thousands of dollars treating the acne scarring as an adult. Mine was never that severe (1-3 active blemishes at a time) but the damage added up over the years. Even some medi-spa type places I go to now are more sophisticated at handling acne than my old GP was.

   8. Accutane was the only thing that helped my daughter. She wished she had done it sooner.

   9. Not your question, but it might be worth also having her track her cycles and raise it with a gynecologist if they are long/irregular. I had/have oily skin, bad acne, weird periods etc. but never struggled with my weight so nobody realized I had PCOS which was ‘hidden’ by hormonal BC until I went off and tried to get pregnant, which is when I was diagnosed. Yay.
      If you’re against meds (which, I’m not, I went on accutane twice – see above re PCOS) I’d suggest asking your derm about Azelaic acid. It is MUCH more gentle than differin/retin A in terms of peeling but made a tremendous difference in skin. I’d also make sure she is double cleansing, using a good gentle sunblock, and a light moisturizer (yes, even skin with acne can get dry!).
      I follow the Fanserviced-B blog (and insta) which is pretty no nonsense in terms of laying out a routine and has routines for hormonal cystic acne which are super clear.

      1. Ugh, one million times same.

         BC for almost 15 years which hid my PCOS and now I’m 37 and struggling like mad to have a child. I’m angry – like to my core furious – at every medical professional in the decision making tree that decided to band aid me with birth control to “fix” my acne and irregular periods. I’m not furious at my mom, she was doing her best, but I’m still not pleased with the fact she didn’t investigate/advocate for me harder. My current and only child [which took a helluva effort to have] will get so much better.

   10. Throughout the pandemic I’ve been getting haircuts/color, going to the dentist, and I was going to outdoor wineries and breweries when the weather was good. I found the wineries/breweries were much better at social distancing than any of my local restaurants, even though the restaurants have been allowed to take up their parking lots and adjacent streets with seating. I haven’t been to a grocery store or anything fun indoors since last March.

       Since winter, though, I’ve been more of a hermit. I don’t want to gather (indoors or otherwise) with numbers skyrocketing. We get together with one of DH’s coworkers and his family because we figure we’re all exposed to each other anyway – DH works in person where social distancing is not possible. I WFH and coworker’s wife and kids are at home too, so we don’t add any risk to the equation. Other coworkers are more cavalier so we don’t hang out with them socially rn.

   11. I’m getting these again now that I’m off the pill. It sucks. I have a pretty rigid skincare regimen, if your teen is interested then you might start introducing them to some products. Daily – I use a tea tree oil toner, one of a variety of serums (I like vitamin c and retinoids), then an spf moisturizer (I like supergoop) for day and a sleep mask or stronger moisturizer at night. I use a mild exfoliant and a clarifying mask maybe once a week (or when I think about it). I like origins out of trouble for the mask and Paula’s choice for an exfoliant. Glamglow’s supermud is also a great mask but pricy. For major trouble spots, Mario Badescu has some great options. For zits at the surface, I use the acne spot treatment patches available on Amazon to suck out all the yuck. Peace out pores patches at Sephora are also great but pricy. For those stubborn under the skin zits, I alternate between a warm and cold compress depending on what it’s doing and where I need to be. If it’s inflamed and throbbing when I need to leave for the day, I’ll rub an ice cube on it to make it calm down a little. Warm compress at night to help it dissipate.

   12. Some ideas:
       1) Dermatologist appointment (in addition to her pediatrician).
       2) I know you said you already tried topicals–has this included benzoyl peroxide? BP was a game-changer for me when I struggled with acne. Expect some bleached pillowcases and towels, but the effectiveness of BP was worth it. I have repurchased the Acne.org BP treatment multiple times. (https://store.acne.org/8-oz-treatment-2-5-benzoyl-peroxide). The trick is to regularly (i.e., daily or every other day) apply BP as a preventative treatment all over the face, not just as a spot treatment.
       3) Sunscreen recommendations – Biore Watery Essence; Etude House Sunprise Mild Airy Finish; Biore UV Perfect Face Milk. The latter two are mattifying for my oily, summer skin.
       4) As an alternative (or potentially in addition to) birth control, some people also have success taming acne using Spironolactone. Might be worth asking a derm or your pediatrician about it.

       1. Spirolactone is particularly recommended for hormonal acne, so echoing the earlier rec to cycle track.

          I decided against going on aspire, but a retinoids and the Drunk Elephant Framboise serum has helped me with hormonal break outs.

          Also, try a silk pillowcase (better for skin) and wash it 2x a week and see if that helps?

   13. I’m lucky to generally have good skin, but when I was pregnant I had terrible hormonal acne for the first trimester at least. The only pregnancy-safe thing that worked for me is the Shea Moisture african black soap bar. It’s cheap and way better solution than harsh chemicals or medication (if it works for her!).

   14. You’ve gotten some great advice here. During my worst bouts with acne, I made sure I changed my pillowcase and my towel every day. It can’t hurt to do that while you’ve waiting to see the dermatologist.

   15. I used to have terrible acne (cystic, scars, and all in between) and got it under control only in early 30s. Please, take her to a derm, they will find best solution with min burden for her. I had good experience with 2% BHA toner and Retin-A. First month of Retin-A was not comfortable, but after that it was better week after week. I clocked 15m of Retin-A this month and regret I haven’t done this 10s of years ago. Azelaic acid might work, but in my experience, it is rather for milder acne. If she goes on RetinA, good moisturizer is key, as well as high SPF. Good luck!

   16. My daughter developed cystic acne and it really undermined her confidence in high school. She was under a dermatologist’s care but we really got no where. 5 years later, she was diagnosed with PCOS. Treating that changed everything. I wish her dermatologist or pediatrician or gynecologist had mentioned this possible concern. (Yes, she has 3 different doctors now!). Her body type is not “classic PCOS” but I understand this is not uncommon. In any event, if things don’t change with derm treatment, it’s worth mentioning this. Bad skin is second only to weight in the things kids get bullied for.

   17. OP here — thanks for the comments. I am not really anti-BCPs (they helped with horrid cramps in my 20s, after suffering 10 years without it), but I remember how clear my mind felt after going off of them when it was baby time. I can’t describe BCPs as fog-inducing, but my body really liked getting off of them (and having a steady Advil drip at a high level was the only thing that really vanquished the cramps). I did like continuous BCPs since who wants to be OTR at the beach? Or EVER.

       I digress. We went to a derm but one who did more mole checks and things for older people with different problems and a lot of purely cosmetic procedures. We need to find the pediatric derm zit whisperer in our town. We are on the cancellation list at another place that was recommended, but it will be a while to get in it looks like.

       1. Just because you reacted to the pill that way doesn’t mean your daughter will. BCP can really help.

       2. I’m always shocked how many people I hear end up on Accutane. In my area of the country/demographic, it is an absolute last resort for people suffering from debilitating cystic acne that is resistant to any thing else.

          I was taught the “suck it up” method to control, and eventually in my mid-20’s decided enough was enough and got on a topical regimen that works pretty well:

          Clindamayacin morning and evening
          Benzaclin in the morning (although using less than a full “dosing”, hence the need for the separate clindamaycin)
          Retin-A in the evening (I prefer the cream over the gel)
          Barrier cream morning and evening

          It wasn’t an overnight success though – change takes time. I’d fully explore topical options and medication mixes for now.

          Also – as soon as I stop this regimen my acne comes back. Like, sometimes I don’t want to plane-travel with all these separate things so I think I’ll be fine for a week vacation. I am not – the following week or two it comes back, suggesting to me the efficacy of the products.

   18. Differin is now available over the counter. I remember my brother using that as a teen. I’d try something like that as a stopgap until you can get to the derm.

       1. I’d do Differin as well and maybe an acne wash if it isn’ too drying in the meantime. I have had hormonal acne as an adult and Spirolactone has been a godsend (I didn’t want to do Accutane). But I don’t know if that’s appropriate for a teen. They likely will put her on a light antibiotic in addition to topicals before either of those would be considered anyway.

   19. My daughter was the same- except we noticed her sudden outbreak of bad acne ( but not quite cystic acne) coincided with a round of antibiotics she took for pneumonia. She used Differin and a cleanser as recommended by her dermatologist with little success. What did work was probiotics as a friend recommended- honest to goodness her skin cleared up at around 6 weeks and has remained clear except the occasional “zit” on her nose…

       1. What specific probiotic? This is interesting.

   20. I would encourage you to take her to an accupunturist/chinese medicine dr. They can do a lot, especially if it’s hormonal. And everything they do will help her hormones and any PMS issues, as well.

       I was on accutane before the days when you had to be on the pill, and it was life changing for me, but I don’t know if I’d do it now with the birth control requirements… In adulthood I had a few times when it flared up again. Oil cleansing method (with tea tree told) worked extremely well – I wish I coukd have tried that as a teen. Now I’m seeing an accupunturist for fertility issues, and when I noticed that I haven’t had a single pimple in the entire last year she mentioned she sees a number of people for acne.

5. I’d love to get a sense of how far outside the norm I am in terms of COVID safety on a few things.

   Have you all been getting haircuts? What about color?

   Have you been dining or having drinks outdoors?

   I have not done either of these things in over a year and I feel like I’m losing my mind. I live alone, WFH, do curbside pickup or delivery for everything and have little interaction with people except for occasional outdoor masked walks with one friend.

   My stylist has been vaccinated, wears a mask and a face shield, and would have the windows open. I would really love a haircut to feel human again, but it’s been so long that I’m questioning my judgment. Same thing with eating outside at a distanced table.

   I get the sense most people, even COVID-cautious people, are doing these things. Should I just wait another month or two until I’m vaccinated?

   1. I got a haircut in August and another one last month and last month I also had color done. My hair looked like crap and I couldn’t take it anymore. I have not hesitated to have drinks outdoors really the entire time, although it’s not something I’ve done very much at all in the last year. Maybe 3 or 4 times total.

   2. I am COVID cautious but I have been doing my monthly hair color this whole time. Part of the time the colorist dropped off the formula and I applied it myself, part of the time she did it outside in my back yard, and now that it’s legal I’m going to the salon where everybody is masked and we skip the post-color blowout. Same with haircuts — salons have been open and closed at various times and I have snuck in a haircut here and there when it’s been allowed. I have one set for tomorrow — first in maybe six months — and I can’t wait!

   3. Yes, normal COVID-cautious people are doing things like this.

      I’ve eaten outdoors several times. I go grocery shopping and to flea markets with a face mask. I’ve gotten haircuts and pedicures.

      It’s ok. Go outside and be around other humans. You’ll feel better and it’ll change your perspective. It’s possible to do things and be safe.

      1. +1 on changing your perspective. The whole outside world is not out to get you, I promise!

   4. Haircuts – yes. My hairdresser has windows open and I double-mask. I feel comfortable with it. My 71 year old mother has also gotten her hair cut (before she was vaccinated) and felt fine with it.

      Dining/eating outdoors – I haven’t, but mostly because tables aren’t as spaced apart as I’d like and all the restaurants around me have built tents with walls outside/basically turned outdoor dining into indoor dining. So dumb. I have been grocery shopping normally (although trying to limit to once a week), because delivery/curbside is not an option in my small rural town.

      I’d get a haircut if I were you. It made me feel SO GOOD.

   5. No, you should not crowd source the risk level that you are comfortable with on this site. Keep doing what you’re doing. You are fine. It does not matter what anyone else here is doing. You need to assess for yourself whether you personally feel comfortable with a haircut based on evidence-based findings. Do you feel comfortable with upping your risk just before getting a vaccine? Only you can answer that.

      1. OP wants to gauge what other people are doing because she says she feels like she is losing her mind. That does not indicate that she is fine. Okay, none of us are fine …)

      2. Yeah, on the topic of upping your risk just before getting a vaccine, I am a week away from my second shot and I haven’t changed anything, on the theory that the very last thing I want to do is drop the ball just short of the goal line. (Although I also get that none of us is fine, either.)

         1. Ditto this. I probably was at my house conservative in the 1-2 months before I got my shot because I was worried about getting it so close in time to relative safety/freedom.

            1. In the two weeks after my first shot I didn’t even want to get takeout food! I couldn’t bear the thought of making it all the way to the vaccine finish line and getting the virus before immunity had a chance to kick in. I had bad side effects from dose 1, so I felt comfortable going back to my pre-vaccine baseline 14 days later, but am obviously waiting until I’m fully vaccinated to make any changes.

   6. I have had haircuts and many happy hours with friends on patios and I consider myself to be quite cautious. I also go into stores. I think the risks are very small. Please do yourself a favour and visit with a friend outside and get your hair cut. Chances are you’ll be perfectly fine. You don’t need to be a martyr, and self-care is important.

   7. Wait until you are vaccinated before doing anything optional/luxury indoors. What is the downside at this point? We’re not talking years.

   8. I’ve been going to the salon regularly since they re-opened last spring. I’ve done both cut and color. I’ve also gotten a mani/pedi.

      I’ve dined indoors 2-3 times.

      I grocery shop in store and I’ve continued to volunteer once a week at the animal shelter. I usually work by myself in one of the quarantine/surgery rooms.

      It’s up to your comfort level, but if you’ve made it his far I would wait a little more until you are vaccinated.

   9. No haircuts, no indoor or outdoor dining. I see no need for either of those things when I have substitutes (cutting my own hair and take-out) that work perfectly well for now (that’s the key – this is for now, not forever). I’m saving my “risk budget” for irreplaceable things like meeting my father for a distanced walk on his birthday. I’m high-risk and would never chance things for a haircut – it’s just not even sort of worth it to me.

      1. Same—I’ve been cutting my own hair and haven’t been eating indoors or outdoors at a restaurant. My risk budget is all in on my preschooler going to school and the occasional outdoor, masked play date that sometimes includes distanced snack time.

         If I lived alone and was not high risk, I would have distanced outdoor coffee/drinks with a friend or two more often (in a backyard or park). I wouldn’t want to go to a restaurant with a friend, even outdoors, because we’d be too close to each other and too close to other unmasked people.

      2. +1 I’m not high risk, but I don’t really value haircuts or restaurant dining that much and am fine doing without them for a while. We’re saving our risk budget for the things we value more, which will include flights to long distance family and close friends this summer. I’m sure people will slam me for that, but to me a Zoom is not an acceptable substitute for an in-person visit, especially with older relatives. Takeout is a perfectly acceptable substitute for restaurant dining, at least in the short term.

   10. I consider myself pretty COVID-cautious, and if helpful: I have gotten my haircut once since the pandemic, outdoors and masked, and when cases were at their lowest point. I felt great afterwards! I have done outdoor dining twice, but only with people in my household. I am mostly meeting friends for outdoor walks rather than outdoor meals.

   11. I am in a state where COVID at its height was bad but not horrific (not NY, e.g.), and the medium-sized city where I work and the small college town where I live have not been hit hard. One relative of sorts (my sister’s e-husband) died very early in the pandemic and I take it seriously. However, I have of necessity been out and about due to work. We are a small law firm, and all of our clients are essential (labor unions representing nurses, safety forces, UPS workers, truck and delivery drivers, etc.). We did not close our office, although we reduced staff a good deal early on. Our 11-story office building has been mostly emplty because one tenant has most of the other floors and they are total cube farms, so that company went fully WFH. I started doing some in-person meetings with the usual protocols in about November and have been doing more since the first of the year; I have also done Zoom hearings with one or two people in the same room with me, again distanced, etc.

       Since I know I have more exposure than most here, I have otherwise been cautious – reducing the frequency of grocery trips, doing curbside pickouts as much as possible, etc. However, I have had two haircuts – one just last week, when my bangs were so long I could barely see – in a salon that has a lot of precautions but not open windows. SO and I have eaten outdoors occastionally, if the tables were distanced and other precautions were in place. For most of the pandemic, we have been in a group of four couples who meet outside once a week on someone’s porch or in a backyard – sitting at a distance, BYO alcohol and snacks, masks on if you have to pass near someone or enter the house for the bathroom, hand sanitizer everywhere. This kind of contact has kept me sane.

       I know I have taken on more risk than many commenters here, but in my view you need to get out, get a haircut, try to see some friends outdoors. Those things are low risk at this point, and you clearly are suffering from the isolation. Sending you virtual (distanced) hugs.

       1. I assume e-husband is a typo for ex-husband but that made me laugh. :) Like she ordered him online or something. And sorry for her (and your) loss.

          1. Ha, I missed that – and yes, an e-husband might be the way to go in these pandemic times!

             And thank you for your kind condolences. I hadn’t seen my former brother-in-law in more than 15 years, at least, as he had moved out of state. He actually was a pretty terrible person, emotionally abusive to everyone around him, but I had known him well and he was my lovely nephew’s father, so it was very shocking to my family, even if we didn’t feel it so much as a loss.

   12. Background: currently unvaccinated and WFH

       Have you all been getting haircuts? Yes, as soon as my stylist went back to work.
       What about color? No, but that’s only because I am saving money and doing it myself, not because of safety concerns.

       Have you been dining or having drinks outdoors? I stopped doing this with my friends last fall when the weather started to turn – we had been doing driveway socially distanced, bring your own everything HHs. We are going to start doing this again now that the weather is warmer and we are started to get (or have been) vaccinated.

   13. No haircut since 2019. Dyed professionally in Feb 2020, been using boxed dye since.

       Last ate out in Feb 2020.

       1. I got my last haircut in February 2020, and have been using overtone since. I don’t have many grays. No dining out either outside or inside. I also haven’t been inside any stores.

       2. +1, minus the box dye

   14. Are you at high risk? What is the level of infections in your community? There are so many variables, and I agree that what other people are doing is not really that relevant to your own personal decisions. I’ve gotten 1 haircut, back when numbers were lower here (in NYC), but I’m also someone who postpones haircuts because I’m cheap and not into hair. I am finally getting another in a couple of weeks. We’ve done outdoor dining a number of times, but it has been too cold for that to be appealing here recently. However, I’m sending my kid to in-person school a couple days a week, and we exchange childcare with maskless playdates with 1 other family that has some exposure – both my husband and other mother are teachers (now vaccinated though), and their younger kid is in daycare. We have also visited zoos, botanical gardens, many playgrounds, and a museum, and I’ve taken the subway a few times. But NY has pretty strict mask rules, including outdoors, and stringent occupancy and ventilation standards for cultural institutions.

       1. PS – I also grocery shop in person, partly because curbside is not widely available here and delivery is expensive and they always mess something up.

   15. I have done all of those things regularly since June. I think those activities are relatively safe, esp. if your stylist has been vaccinated and it will be just the two of you. And if you get a haircut and grab drinks outdoors twice, perhaps you can more comfortably go back into SIP to stick out the rest of the wait, having had a quick recharge. But your comfort level is your own. If it is important to you to wait until you are vaccinated (at least the first shot + 2 weeks), that time will go by quickly — it’s going to be weeks, not untold months.

   16. Haircut: once yes in the fall (usually get ~one per year anyhow)
       Color: not relevant
       Dining outdoors: yes, selectively (looking for true unsheltered outdoors with 6+ feet of distance between table and preference for windy areas or ideally emptier restaurant patios and will eat early or late to get that)
       Dining indoors: no

       I’m fairly COVID cautious when it comes to social / leisure activities and really only see friends for walks. I have always shopped in person masked for groceries, etc throughout pandemic.

   17. I’ve gotten drinks and eaten outside with a small circle of friends. We aren’t an official pod, just close friends who live nearby and our kids are friends, so we occasionally get together for outdoor play for the kids, or lunch on the weekend. Sometimes we’ve had drinks in someone’s backyard. I also got a haircut last September (cases were really low where I was) and am really happy I did. I also get as much as possible delivered, but I don’t hesitate to pop into local stores that I want to support — I pick up online orders at my bookstore, get coffee, pick up something at a bakery, etc. Nothing prolonged or that would require taking off my mask. I don’t plan to change much once I’m fully vaccinated in a few weeks, TBH. I’m still worried about the variants and honestly, WFH and regular outdoor hangs with a few close friends has been a pretty healthy way to live for me. I don’t miss grocery shopping in a store, and wont miss indoor dining until it gets cold again.

   18. We have been doing all of the above throughout (well, starting in July when things reopened to that extent). Dining has only been with our own party-of-2 or occasionally with now-vaccinated parents.

       (As a gauge for what else we do – WFH DINKs, don’t see anyone indoors and unmasked other than our now-vaccinated parents, grocery shop in person once a week, don’t dine indoors, but have flown 3 times – but for family emergency reasons, and did a real quarantine before and after.)

   19. FWIW, I’ve dined outside a handful of times in the last year. I started cutting my own hair years ago, but I do go to the grocery store in person. I also WFH, although I don’t live alone(that must be hard, I’m sorry!). Every situation is different and there are so many factors, that I don’t think you will be able to define what is ‘the norm’. But here are some factors that go into my decision: I WFH, so have no work- or commuting-exposure. My main exposure would be grocery store/target trips, which are typically spaced out 10-14 days. Both of these things mean that if I got exposed, it’s very likely that I’d notice I’m getting sick before I have interacted with a dozen other people and spread around my infection.
       I am low risk for complications myself. My area is fairly compliant with masks, spacing restaurant table, limiting grocery store capacity etc. I’ve only dined outside, not inside and not done it in Dec/Jan, when cases surged.

   20. I got my hair cut in December. They asked me to go with my hair washed, then re-wet it once I got there. They just cut and didn’t blow dry. I was in and out in about 20 min but felt loads better with a new cut. Stylist and I were both fully masked the whole time, and she also wore a face shield as well. If my stylist was vaccinated in addition to those precautions, I would have had zero hesitation in going.

       I’ve been to the nail salon for pedicures 3 times I think.

       Dining outdoors I’ve been fine with since last summer. Dining indoors I’ve only done once really (last fall before the holiday surge), and technically a second time bc I ate a sandwich in the store I bought it in, but I was literally the only person in there besides the guy behind the register. Otherwise, I’m waiting to be fully vaccinated before indoor dining.

   21. I am fairly cautious, and my household has been covid-free despite living in a red state with MAJOR community spread. Getting a haircut when you and the stylist are masked is perfectly reasonable, and if she is vaccinated you are in great shape!

       I don’t go to outdoor dining at restaurants because I don’t want to, but I have had dinner and drinks with friends outside at my house many, many, many times.

   22. I am high risk so I haven’t had my hair cut and haven’t eaten at a restaurant for the duration. I learned to cut my own hair and I color it as well. It looks pretty good if I can brag. I have a bob, which is not as easy to cut yourself as it would seem.

       We’ve done takeout only and have also had groceries delivered this entire time. Over the summer when cases were low, we went into a few stores but not grocery stores. When the surge happened here in the Bay Area we locked down again.

       Here’s the thing about going to your stylist now. Wouldn’t you feel dumb getting covid at this stage in the game, when you’re probably about a month from getting vaccinated? After all your carefulness over the course of the last year?

       That’s kind of how I am anyway. I’m fortunate enough to have been included in the high risk phase of the vaccine rollout so I’m halfway vaccinated at the moment. I’m going to wait until at least 2 weeks after the second shot to eat in restaurants. I might cut and color my own hair for life because now I know how to do it and find it kind of fun!

       1. How did you learn to color your hair? Is it full color or highlights?

          1. I use Madison Reed. They are super clear in the instruction. It’s not highlighted but it’s “dimensional color” so you can see some variation. I’m really happy with it.

       2. That’s how I feel. I don’t want to kick myself because I took a risk for something that wasn’t worth it in the final weeks before getting the vaccine. OP, I would try to do more walks or things like that outside with friends, but definitely wait to get the haircut. I think you can get more mental health benefit from being with a friend.

   23. I got my hair cut once in late October. Case numbers were low in our area and masks were required for everyone. I have long thick hair and it was so long by then it was physically hurting my neck. I cut it very short, chin length, with the goal being to not need another haircut until I was fully vaccinated and I succeeded. I get my second vaccine next week and two weeks after that plan to resume regular (bimonthly) haircuts. I don’t get my hair colored, but don’t see why that would be any different than a haircut from a covid risk perspective.

       If it were just me, I would have done outdoor dining in the summer and fall when numbers were low (indoor dining, no way – I don’t even want to do that post-vaccine). DH was vehemently against it though, so we didn’t. He works in public health and he maintains that indoor, masked activities are safer than outdoor activities without masks unless you can stay far apart from others, and the restaurants in our area do not really distance their outdoor tables at all. We did a lot of takeout and occasional picnics in the park even during the strict spring 2020 lockdown but no actual sitting at a restaurant.

       I guess I run in cautious circles but I know a lot of people that have not been in a restaurant or a salon since last February. At this point, it seems like it’s worth waiting until you’re vaccinated. It just seems to me that at this point, after a year of waiting, waiting one more month has enormous benefit and basically no downside. I would feel differently if vaccines were a long way away.

   24. I have been getting my hair cut and colored since last summer, with mutual masks. I’ve gone less often than usual, though, and took a long break between mid-November and late February, so I missed the spike in cases.

       I have dined at outdoor restaurants with just my husband maybe 5 times, all at restaurants that spread out the tables. I wasn’t comfortable going to bars, even with outdoor spaces, because people from different households tend to stand close. We also had several meals with friends or family (one other family at a time) in our backyard or theirs, but spread out more than you would be at a restaurant.

   25. I have not done either of those things either but will get a haircut once vaccinated. Not at all
       ready for restaurants. I do outdoor meetups with a friend

       1. Same here on all accounts. Haircut and pedicure are at the top of my post-vaxx list!

   26. As my husband is always saying, “don’t be the last man to die in Vietnam.” We were pretty cautious throughout (no restaurants since you can’t wear a mask while eating; limited outings with masks required, including a couple haircuts for each of us and one pedicure for me) but as our vaccine appointments drew near we locked down more, not less. It just seems like it would be such a shame to get the virus a few weeks before you get the protection of a vaccine. When we didn’t know if/when we would have effective vaccines, I justified certain things as “we can’t do this forever and who knows when the vaccines will show up?” But once you know you’re getting your vaccine within a couple of months, why not wait? You can do whatever you want, but at this point it seems like a really pointless risk to take.

   27. I consider myself Covid cautious, and I’ve been getting haircut & color (mutual masking with no removal, spaced out, etc.) since last summer. I have not eaten inside at a restaurant since last March, but have gotten takeout (basically continuously!) and ate outside with friend a few times last summer (but not since and only in truly outdoor situations – not in igloos/tents/etc.) Indoor dining is allowed in my area now, but I would not dine feel comfortable dining with anyone outside my household until we’ve got more people vaccinated and everyone at the table is fully vaccinated +2 weeks.
       Whatever your personal comfort level is right for you. FWIW, I think most people are getting the virus at this stage from unmasked, personal contact (although there are always going to be exceptions), so being out in the world masked seems lower risk than seeing people unmasked in homes and potentially at restaurants.

   28. I have not gotten a haircut or done any restaurant dining in over a year. For me, it’s not that I think these things are wildly unsafe or that I’m worried about catching Covid myself, it’s just that my #1 goal was and is keeping my kids in in-person school and I wanted to avoid anything non-essential that might potentially keep them home or, worse, quarantine an entire classroom. For the same reason, I doubt I’ll change my behavior much after getting vaccinated.

   29. Yes to all, but in your shoes I would do the haircut and hold off on dining out until vaccinated. If you’ve gone this long without getting covid and are literally weeks away from getting the vaccine, why not wait just a little longer?

   30. Since March 2020: One outdoor haircut and no color
       No dining and drinks outdoors
       There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong.

   31. I’m covid cautious.

       1. I get hair done and color. Waited until about July to start that up again but I do it. Hairdresser has a room in her private home, so it’s one client at a time. I think today I’d be comfortable in a salon, but definitely not 3-12 months ago.

       2. No dining or drinking indoors but for this past weekend when we thought we were eating on an outdoor patio for lunch but it wasn’t ready yet. There were exactly zero other people eating in the restaurant so we rolled the dice. We will do this once fully vaccinated (i have #1) but not a peak dinner hour in crowded places. It’s incredible to me how vastly different the set ups are at restaurants I’ve been in to to pick up take out.

       You didn’t ask, but #3 – I will be getting a pedicure this weekend, so help me god. There’s a place near me a friend says is extraordinarily cautious, by appointment only, so I’m in.

   32. I have not gotten a haircut since covid started. I have had meals outdoors with family at their homes, but I haven’t done outdoor dining at restaurants. My feeling is that we are so close to getting vaccinated I’m not about to ramp up my risk levels now – it would be awful to have gone through the last year being so careful and get COVID right before being vaccinated. Among the covid cautious people I know, it seems some are getting haircuts but none are doing outdoor dining at restaurants.

   33. i have done the following:

       – hair (cut and color)
       – nails
       – eyelashes
       -dentist
       – spray tan
       – eating indoors AND outdoors
       – go to work (my office is closed and i have my own office with a door)
       – gone to tulum/miami/arizona/a wedding
       – dates with randoms from tinder
       – hung with my friends inside

       I have not gotten covid from any of that and i live in NYC. I only mask when i am forced to (i.e. the airport).

       1. I have:
          – traveled to AK, FL, MD, NY
          – gone to Disney World
          – dentist
          – haircut
          – hung with friends/fam both indoors and out
          – eaten indoors/outdoors
          – spouse works for department store
          – drank indoors at bars (FL)

          not gotten covid, not had any of the interactive-friends/family get covid.

       2. Were you tested regularly this whole time? Otherwise you have no idea if you were just asymptomatic and possibly spreading during any of his time.

          1. +1. You’ll never know how many people you harmed. I don’t think you guys care though.

          2. yup lol. sorry to rain on your parade.

       3. OP, these are anecdotes but please also see the anecdote below about the 10 person outdoor BBQ resulting in several positive cases. The newer strains are far more contagious.

          1. Even before the new strains, to travel and go out this much and not get it is just luck. I know many people who got OG Covid despite being way more cautious than this poster.

       4. Congrats on being lucky and/or having a good immune system. I know dozens of people who have been far more cautious and got it, including a friend’s mother who got it at the doctor’s office, masked up and with everyone around her in masks. And she died.

          1. I’m sorry for your loss and your friend’s loss. And I’m sorry you had to read this today.

          2. What was her comorbidity?

             1. I can’t believe you have a full social calendar being such an ugly person.

             2. Rude, but the answer to your question is none except age and she wasn’t that old (68). She easily could have had 15-20 years of good quality life ahead of her if not for the virus. If you think everyone who dies of Covid is 80+ or has a lot of comorbidities I definitely recommend talking to some ICU doctors or nurses, because it’s definitely not the case. My neighbor’s cousin was 45 and healthy and died.

   34. I’m (i think) appropriately risk averse about covid. I have gotten a haircut, outside with both stylist and me masked. I’m super comfortable with that. I would even consider an indoor haircut with both people well masked and a low rate of COVID in the community (but prefer the outside option). I have not been dining or having drinks outdoors in restaurant settings where people are (imo) closer than reasonable – we have been doing dining outside with friends where we are seated at different tables 15 feet apart in our yard. We have not done any indoor dining, any gathering not with DH, myself and our roommate, and will continue to not do so til vaccinated. I do think outdoor masked walks are perfectly fine and outside unmasked eating if you are able to get more space than at a restaurant. WE’ve also done outdoor picnics with friends where we each bring our own food, sit 15 feet apart.

   35. I haven’t done haircuts or color in over a year. I’ll get my second dose next Friday. First thing I’m going to do is get a haircut two weeks later. I will likely continue to color on my own (partially because I feel ick about spending more time there than needed and partially because I think it looks just as good and has been a huge savings of money/time). I visited the dentist once. I’ll do that again after enough time has passed following the second shot. I have not eaten indoors our out at restaurants, just carryout. I have gathered together with friends outdoors unmasked and distanced for drinks. I’ve had takeout dinners visiting my mom and friends multiple times outdoors unmasked but distanced. Post second shot, I’ll do actual restaurant outdoor dining if the tables look distanced enough. I won’t be doing indoor dining even post-vaccination until more people are vaccinated and counts are under control.

   36. I’ve gotten one haircut and haven’t done any outside dining, but I think that says more about my priorities than anything else. I’ve had massages, pedicures and I take a ballet class twice a week (masks required at all). Massages and the ballet class in particular seem at least as risky as a haircut since the masseuse gets as close to you or closer than a hair stylist and I assume the distancing in ballet is outweighed by the fact that people are exercising and breathing heavily. I agree with everyone else though that I wouldn’t change my behavior to be less cautious just a couple months before getting the vaccine.

   37. Haircuts and color and (gasp) blowouts too ( before the board freaks out, my salon only takes 1 client at a time, and has all open windows); outdoor dining as long as it’s been open (only with friends recently as numbers dropped), indoor dining only after vaccination; grocery shop and get mani-pedis too wearing 2 masks; backyard drinks and take-out with friends (socially distanced); 1:1 walks with friends (masked). We did not gather for any holiday, haven’t been invited to nor would we attend any group event. I WFH and so does my partner and no kids / extended household. I’m sure this is more than most are comfortable with but I’m in an area that takes it seriously so it’s easy to socially distance and mask, and following that guidance is in my risk tolerance range.

   38. Since salons opened up here in July of 2020, I have been getting haircuts every two months. My stylist is in a studio salon, so it’s just her and me in the room. We’re both masked and she asks me to wash my hands when I enter. I’m comfortable with this situation. I don’t know if I’d be as comfortable in a typical salon situation, where there are many stylists and customers at work in the same room. If I was going to go to one of those, I’d try to book an appointment at “off times” like first thing on a weekday.

   39. I’m a teacher at a school with about 200 kids and 60 staff members. I am in the office/classroom with kids 4 days a week and with just staff 1 day a week. My perspective is a little different.

       When at work, I double mask around all kids and other staff members. When I eat lunch I eat in my single person office with the door closed. Sometimes I am around kiddos who are not wearing masks (lunch/snack time). I have had 1 vaccination and am due for the second one next week.

       I feel really safe getting my hair cut (only 1 client in the salon at a time) and going to the nail salon (I’m the only person in there besides the technician) – with everyone’s mask on at all times. I sometimes double mask when at the grocery store, but I always wear a mask. I also wash hands/use hand sanitizer a lot.

       I am uncomfortable being around others with my mask off. I went to the dentist a few weeks ago and that was anxiety producing. I don’t feel comfortable dining inside, but I will order takeout.

       I do understand the risks of my job and was really worried when we had a covid outbreak in our community and the school went remote for a few weeks. It is interesting to me how my levels of comfort have shifted because of the nature of my job.

6. I am at a friends beach house by myself for a week. This is day 2. Even though I religiously applied and reapplied sunscreen yesterday, today I look like a striped zebra human. I am close enough to civilization that I could go to a big box store. Any magic sunburn relief tips? I brought aloe Vera gel and am drinking lots of water but the red stripes (no idea why I have stripes on my arms? Feet?) are painful!

   1. An analgesic like acetominaphen should help. Maybe the stripes are from shadows?

   2. Get something with lidocaine in it – it is a topical numbing treatment. Sunburn treatments often have it.

      1. +1 I use this https://www.cvs.com/shop/solarcaine-cool-aloe-burn-relief-formula-pain-relieving-spray-with-lidocaine-4-5-oz-prodid-1016933https://www.cvs.com/shop/solarcaine-cool-aloe-burn-relief-formula-pain-relieving-spray-with-lidocaine-4-5-oz-prodid-1016933

         Also Tylenol or Advil help

         The stripes could possibly be from the way you applied the sunblock if it wasnt a spray

   3. I’ve gotten lots of sunburns! Here’s a list of options, but some of them depend on how bad the burn is:

      more water than you think!
      non-restrictive, lightweight clothing
      less activity
      aloe gel +fan
      anti-inflammatory pill, such as ibuprofen
      even more water than you think!
      light meals (for some reason heavy meals made me feel worse with sunburn, no idea if this is everyone)
      occasional damp, cool washcloths
      cool, not bright rooms
      if itchy, apply aloe every time you want to scratch and DO NOT scratch.
      if it peels, really don’t scratch

      Good luck!

   4. I am ghostly pale and burn through sunscreen. My tip is to apply a base layer of sunscreen in lotion form and the reapply every 20 mins with a spray (I like Neutrogena). After being in the water reapply the lotion.

   5. Agree with others, ibuprofen will help more than you think because the painful part is inflammation. Also no hot or even warm showers. Unsatisfying lukewarm/room temp showers until the redness subsides. Tons of lotion. Make sure your body lotion doesn’t have alcohol (quick drying or non greasy claims are clues) and don’t sit in the sun, even with clothes covering those areas, until it’s no longer painful.

   6. Did you carry something with shoulder straps or wear flipflops? Those are usually how I end up with weird red stripes when they rub off the sunscreen I put on.

   7. If you are close to an Academy store, highly recommend the spf clothing from their magellan line. I am also someone who will burn despite sunscreen. It won’t help your current sunburn but can hopefully help avoid future ones.

7. Looking for relationship advice. I just got married. Due to the fact that things are not great here COVID-19 wise and no one in our families/friends had received the vaccine yet we opted to have an outdoor ceremony with no one there besides the officiant and the photographers who also acted as witnesses. We livestrearmed it and sent photos and video to family and friends.

   My husband was married before. She cheated on him and she was the one who filed for divorce. That was seven years ago. Since our wedding had no guests and wasn’t traditional, and was last minute lots of people were surprised when we sent the notice out. His ex-wife has been blowing up their phones emailing and messaging his family and friends about it, asking questions about me, expressing surprise that he moved on etc. This is after seven years of no contact. She hasn’t reached out to me directly and he blocked her without responding after she sent him a message. I know he is stressed about it and annoyed on behalf of his family and friends who are also annoyed. Should I stay out of this? Or should I be doing anything to support him/them? I don’t like knowing he is stressed about this.

   1. Sounds like a pretty open and shut situation, unless they have kids together who are now in your care. She’s wilding out, he blocked her, and everyone else probably will too.

   2. There is no upside to you getting involved in this. Listen if he wants to talk about it, otherwise stay out of it. Under no circumstances should you even consider breathing a word about her to anybody else.

      As my mom would say, “rise above it.”

      1. As always, SA gives the right advice.

         1. Yes! We “heart” her!

   3. I’m not sure what else you could do besides listen to him and support him. Definitely do NOT contact her or engage with her directly in any way. That will just prolong this fit. I assume his family members will block her because she’s being crazy.

   4. I sorta think this is fantastic. I mean, even if they liked you fine before, it’s a perfect set up to have them all thinking “oh thank god he moved on and look how amazing his new wife is!” Do nothing, say nothing, and let her show herself. They’re likely all blocking her anyway, so it’ll be over soon (you may want to block her on all social media and phone just in case) and in the end, it’s a clear set-up of comparing the old (who has now reminded them of how they don’t like her) to the new (who was clearly lovely and didn’t go bridezilla and isn’t causing stress or annoyance).

      Yay for you for lucking into this lovely set-up to make them even happier he married you!

      1. This is a great perspective.

   5. If there are no kids involved, just listen, nod, and make supportive noises when your husband talks about it. If anyone else brings it up, say something noncommittal like “I’m surprised to hear she reached out to you considering how long its been since they were married. Oh well!” and move the conversation along.

      I have an ex-friend who cheated on her husband and left him. She went absolutely bananas when he started dating someone else, even though she is the one who broke up their marriage. Unfortunately, they had kids though, so he has to deal with her.

   6. Agree with everyone to stay out of it unless he wants to vent. And even then, just because he lets it out doesn’t mean you have to take it in. I say this because of your last sentence which I can relate to. Sometimes my DH exhibits a kind of frantic work-stress agitation that is somehow very infectious. I consciously tell myself that this particular issue is not mine and getting myself stressed out as well is just not helpful at all. Sometimes a shared burden is lighter, but sometimes two stressed out people just resonate off each other in unpleasant ways. Yours looks like a situation of the latter kind.

8. Moving out of family space back into my own place in about 6 weeks. I cannot wait for control over my environment, the DVR, and my meals again! In the meantime, I have hit my first real covid burnout moment and I’m in the thick of work so I can’t just stop. Doing any of the healthy eating or walking sounds exhausting to an exhausted person but lying in bed or vegging out isn’t helping either. I think it’ll get better post-move but until then, any guidance or advice? I am trying to just hang in there but that feels like forever away at the moment!

   1. Maybe make a paper clip chain or do something else to count down?

   2. Eat 12 ounces of mini eggs

      1. Haha I endorse that plan!

   3. Just treating your body gently, like calling a friend when you walk, getting as much sleep as you can. Or staring into space rather than scrolling on the phone–literally having a lie down on breaks away from the screen. I’m not very good at it myself. Skipping makeup/hair styling to save time if you can, but not hot showers. Offload the cooking if you can.

9. I know similar threads exist so please feel free to point me to them. I am a grandchild caretaker for a grandparent who is still living in a single family home. They have recently taken a turn for the worse in mobility, they have cancer, along with a host of other medical conditions, and I am worried about them even being able to walk to kitchen at this point. Nothing is “severe” or critical enough for hospitalization or rehab. So what is next? I’ve seen recs to hire an elder care attorney, or try the county office on aging. I really need someone to tell me my options – I am too young to have any friends with experience to help. No real other family help in the picture.

   1. When my parents got to this point I moved them to assisted living.

      Also there are people called elder care coordinators or geriatric care managers or elder care consultants who might be helpful.

   2. Call the county office on aging for inquiring about what resources are available. (A caretaker to help with meals?) Make sure grandparent has a will, as uncomfortable as it is.

   3. I have not been in this precise situation, but the area agency on aging should be a good place to start. Your grandparent’s doctor or hospital also may have some recommendations or resources. When my father was hospitalized with cancer a few years ago, and was then ready to move to a nursing home/rehab facility, the hospital social worker was incredibly valuable in helping us identify our options and navigate Medicare.

      This is not an easy situation, and you are a good granddaughter for taking it on.

   4. Oof. I have been there, down to being too young to have friends who have dealt with this and not having other family help. Definitely see an elder care attorney if only to make sure your grandparent has all the necessary documents in order (healthcare POA, financial POA, etc.). As for the other options, they can honestly be hard to disentangle and arrange. A lot of it depends on how much care your grandparent will accept. A local counsel on aging might be able to help arrange for aids (so can some private companies, you can just google home health aids in your area to get started) or housekeepers or whatever is needed. Also try to think about any kind of “specialty” groups your grandparent might be in. Sometimes religious groups have resources, sometimes veterans organizations can be helpful, etc.

      My grandfather lived on his own in a house for way longer than he should have– he was having mobility and other issues. He refused to even consider another arrangement until he fell asleep with the stove on and started a grease fire. Luckily no one was injured and the property damage wasn’t even as bad as you’d expect because he woke up in time to put it out while it was confined to the pot. That scared him and a few days later he agreed to go into an assisted living facility. I don’t know where you are, but the facility where he went was shockingly affordable. He had a “studio” which was a large room with one bathroom. It was $2500/month and they supplied all his meals, social activities, would take him to stores and in-town doctors’ appointments, did his laundry, and managed his medications. Obviously he still had to pay for his meds. I’m in a low cost of living area, but I just say this so you know there might be options that are considerably cheaper than a nursing home. Even an apartment complex that has other seniors in it can be a good start. Also if you see a dedicated elder care attorney, they might know of options for paying for this kind of thing. My grandfather’s helped him apply for a VA benefit that covered much of the monthly cost for the assisted living. He had a small pension (about $2800 per month) that he used before the VA benefit kicked in. I can’t even express the weight that was lifted the day he checked into the assisted living. He had kind of a love/hate relationship with being there, but his mood and health improved once he had a consistent schedule and people helping him.

      Also, my heart goes out to you. It’s an incredibly stressful situation that I don’t think people understand until they’ve been there. I had lots of friends who would just tell me to “take his car away” or “get him to sign up for an apartment” or things like that. It’s really not that easy to navigate any of this, and none of the options are simple. This is doubly so when you’re doing it all alone. Please try to take care of yourself as much as possible along the way.

      1. So much of it depends on what help an older person will accept – seniors are just as free to make bad decisions as 21 year olds. My grandmothers on both sides would not move into assisted living until things got really really bad. Only one would accept having hired cleaning help. That meant that my parents would get on a plane four times a year to do housework and home maintenance on the other side of the country. I think both of them would have had a much better quality of life if they’d entered a senior living place 10-15 years before they accepted the inevitable.

         With my in-laws (in their late 70s), they have made expensive, tacky renovation after expensive, tacky renovation to a tract house at the edge of a fancy community. No cleaning or cooking help, an occasional lawn care guy, and lots and lots of half-done repairs. They are also “at war” with one or more of their neighbors over parties and parking. They have plenty of money and would almost certainly pass any neurological screening exam. They’re going to live in that house until they burn it down or one of them needs 24hr nursing care.

         1. Yes! My grandfather similarly wouldn’t accept any housekeeping help or aides in his home. This was honestly why I had trouble talking to my friends about it sometimes. They seemed to think that I could just force him to do whatever was in his best interest, but he was a grown adult and I had to watch him in sometimes dangerous situations because he just refused help. It was literally almost burning down the house that made him realize he needed some other arrangement (this was long after both tearful and contentious conversations about how worried about him I was becoming).

   5. Thank you for all of the advice. You all are wonderful. Brought me to tears after a tough day.

10. Does anyone know Denver well? We are relocating. Both jobs will be downtown once we’re back in the office. We have two young teenagers. Looking for a city neighborhood that has diverse but good enough public schools. We’d like to spend $850ish on a house. I know real estate is crazy so we may need to go higher. I’m not interested in the suburbs at all.

    1. I have family in Denver, but have never lived there myself. I would look at neighborhoods that feed East high school, like Park Hill, Congress Park, and City Park. You’re at the low end of housing prices, but it’s possible. And it’s a fairly easy commute downtown.

    2. Denverite here. The neighborhoods above are great, but 850k will probably not get you a 3-bedroom house in good shape. If that number is firm, look at Central Park (used to be Stapleton), Englewood, or Wheat Ridge.WR is a suburb but v close to city and pretty diverse.

11. Have any of you had COVID-19? I received a positive test result today. I feel fine, the only reason I got tested was because others who were at the same gathering as myself (outdoor barbecue, 10 people total) came down with it and the public health unit contacted me. For anyone who has had it, how did it go? Just looking to hear the experience of others.

    1. My best friend tested positive unexpectedly. Zero symptoms for the first 3 days, then the fever, fatigue, and loss of taste/smell hit her like a truck. Energy levels were mostly back to normal after a week but taste/smell have not returned (it’s been a month).

    2. Mine was a few days of what felt like a bad cold. Didn’t lose my sense of smell, kept working (at home), and was back to completely feeling normal in less than a week. The spectrum is wide. The woman I caught it from was FAR more sick than I was.

    3. I haven’t had it but know a bunch of people who’ve had it. Huge spectrum from asymptomatic to in the hospital on a ventilator (and this was a 40-something, not elderly). For most people in their 30s and 40s it seems to be like a bad flu.

    4. Yes, early 30s. Similarly, I got tested for other reasons (no symptoms) and found out I had it. I lost my smell and taste for a couple days. Other than that, I never got sick–no fever, no cough, blood oxygen levels always 98%+. I did sleep more than usual. Overall it was nothing compared to the flu or even a cold. I tested positive for almost a month until my doctor told me to stop wasting tests and that there was no way I was still contagious.

       I ate super healthy, took vitamins, elderberry gummies, “Wellness Formula” from Whole Foods, and got a lot of sun ( I was doing all these things both before and during covid). I’d read something about loading up on zinc but I don’t know where that research stands today.

       I can think of about two dozen people I personally know who had it and they were all fine (lots of essential workers in my family). A few had more moderate flu-like symptoms that actually put them in bed but the majority were like me. I suspect a lot more people in my circle had it and just didn’t know (ie my boyfriend who I was sleeping with up until my positive test).

       I actually just got the J&J vaccine last weekend and felt much worse from that, although only for a couple hours.

    5. I had it nearly a year ago (week of March 12). I was run down, but also was working crazy hours and taking public transport in SF. And my friend from Seattle was living with me every other week, so she was flying on planes, etc.

       In early April I lost my sense of taste and smell completely. Did not return (and returned partially) in June.

       I was a super-taster–experienced at wine (the gal in that wine-tasting class that gets weird secondary and tertiary smells). I am now not a super-taster at all. Things tasted flat until about Thanksgiving (but I could taste). I experience wine in a different way now, not as nuanced.

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