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Updated: Dec 10, 2020 405 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Pull-On Wide Leg Pants

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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Let’s hear it for pull-on pants! I’ve been living in elastic waistband pants for the last several months, whether they be leggings, Eileen Fisher crepe pants, or my favorite pull-on Levi’s. We’re in the midst of a global pandemic — the least we can do is get rid of buttons.

These wide-leg pants have a very comfortable-looking wide waistband, which I have to think will also create a very flattering, smoothing effect.

The pants are $49.99 (marked down from $69.50) and available in plus sizes 14–26, regular sizes XS–XL, and petite sizes XXS–L. You can get an extra 50% off today with promo code COZY. Pull-On Wide Leg Pants

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  3. SSJD

    The photo of these pants makes the model look short and stumpy. Not a good look.

      • Vicky Austin

        This is a matter of personal taste, but any shoe with an ankle strap paired with work pants irks me unbelievably.

        • Anonymous

          I get that, and as a duck-footed person (narrow heels for a B-width foot), if I don’t have a strap, I walk out of my shoes. It’s an acute problem when it is tights season. And back when we wore hose.

        • nuqotw

          I have been trying to put my finger on why I never buy ankle strap shoes anymore, and this is it! I think they work weird with my work clothes, and I need my shoes to be practical or work-compatible.

      • Cat

        those shoes are so bad – they remind me of my early “high heels” that I wore to weddings as a middle schooler.

    • Anon

      I think her bra isn’t helping… Though I’m starting to wonder if I’m behind the times on this, since a lot of models look unsupported to me lately.

    • anon

      I think y’all are nuts and that she is short, she is bigger and she looks really well put together (mins the shoes). Those pants aren’t my preferred style but power to her. She can rock them all she wants.

      • LaurenB

        I think slimmer cut pants would be more flattering, personally. She could be equally comfortable i them. I think this cut of pant really only works for tall people with long legs; it just makes those of us who are shorter look stumpy.

      • Ses

        +1 this is nuts. She looks fine to me. This is a business-casual look, the silhouette is fine, and the chunky pants-chunky shoes thing is back.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I must be well in the minority but I think she looks great. The shoes aren’t my personal taste but I think the rest of it works.

      • AnonInfinity

        I agree! But I also reject the notion that the entire purpose of clothing is to make us look as tall and thin as possible.

      • PolyD

        I like the look, too. My eye is getting used to the cropped wide leg pants and I kind of like them.

        I also wear/wore ankle-strap shoes as much as possible because I like my shoes to stay firmly attached to my feet. Regular pumps don’t, I hate them. Although I will concede that I don’t love these particular ankle strap sandals on the model. Don’t love the top, either, but maybe because I have found, based on personal experience, that those tops with the seam across the top don’t look great on the busty.

      • Mal

        This is not meant to be a critique of the posters here – but I think we (myself included) are used to seeing tall, thinner models and seeing other body types showing clothing on other bodies starts to read as “unflattering.” If this is unflattering then I’ve never looked good in anything, ha!

        • Anonymous

          It’s not about the model’s size. It’s about the fact that these are old lady clothes. The length is not correct for wide-leg pants at the current moment. There are plenty of stylish looks that are just as unflattering as this outfit. But it’s not even stylish.

        • Anon

          I don’t think this is it. To me the model looks like she would look awesome in something else.

        • Anon

          Honestly, I was pleasantly surprised by now nice she looked in them. I think culottes generally are horrible abominations that make everyone look dumpy.

    • anon

      I think she looks cute, but YMMV. This is pretty much how I’d look in this outfit.

  4. Anon

    Trying to figure out what I should tip my postal worker. Per the website, no cash and no cash equivalent gift cards (like visa) are allowed, but other gift cards up to $20 are okay. So, target? Any better recommendation?

    If you weren’t planning on tipping your letter carrier – I’d ask you to reconsider. My dad is one and this has been the toughest year of his 35+years on the job. They’re an essential service who obviously can’t wfh, they struggled to get PPE/adequate protections in the spring (including when we thought that the virus might be transmitted on packages), they’ve been put through the political wringer, the workload is insane with everyone ordering online this year, and I’ve personally seen a lot of internet posts (elsewhere) of people blaming their individual letter carriers/ post offices accountable for shipping delays, etc. I don’t envy them, and I know my spurts of online shopping have not helped with the package problem (the huge increase of packages really seems to be the biggest morale killer).

    • Anon

      Ask your dad what he and his coworkers like to receive. Is there anyway to make sure the correct postal carrier gets the tip? We see two different people deliver our mail.

      I had the same question re: Amazon. Is it a different driver or the same driver most days? I’d love to tip my Amazon person but I don’t know if I have “a person” or 10 people. Same with FedEx and UPS.

      • Anon

        My dad somehow knows a lot of people on his route (a lot of retirees) so they’ll get him more personal gifts, whereas I’ve never even laid eyes on my letter carrier!

        Aside from knowing their name, not sure how to get the tip to the right person. I think the “they tipped the wrong guy” is a point of contention, especially since they’re in a crunch to get things delivered right now there’s a lot of coverage happening.

        • Anonymous

          Honestly that’s ridiculous. If I tip my postal worker, who I never see and have never met, by leaving a tip in my mailbox, and the reaction is “they tipped the wrong guy” why bother?

          These are unionized federal government employees. They shouldn’t be expecting tips.

          • Anon

            I think it’s more like someone has done this job all year, someone else does it one day but then walks away with the tip.

          • LaurenB

            I have no doubt your father and other postal workers are hard-working and it’s been a rough year, but I’ve never seen my postal worker, all he/she does is leave letters in my mailbox which is what he/she is paid to do … I don’t really think it’s tip worthy TBH. They aren’t providing me with any personalized, above-the-call-of-duty service (not that they need to).

          • Anon

            I have never tipped a postal worker (and I usually live in low rent neighborhoods, so I don’t think I’m breaking with my neighbors on this). But if there’s anyone who knows a lot about us, it’s postal workers. I remember a conversation I had with a delivery person who noticed I was preparing to move out, and she casually asked about roommates I’d had and even family who had visited for shorter amounts of time. I didn’t even recognize her, but she knew a ton about me. It made me stop and think about all the personal deliveries I’d received. So there is a strange dynamic there if your postal worker is on the curious side that would I suppose make me want to stay on good terms. I’ve had some similar conversations since then.

        • Anon

          I live in a small town. I could probably call the post office and ask. That way if person one is Mon-Fri and person two is Sat or something like that I can make sure to give on the correct days.

      • Cat

        UPS and FedEx definitely have routes the way USPS does – 90% of the time it’s the same driver for us. (If a package shows up on a weekend or it’s by air rather than ground it’s usually someone else.)

      • Anonymous

        We have different ones right now because or main guy just died of COVID. I’ll be giving to his family’s go fund me and a Target gift card to whoever is covering right now. To the “unionized employee” up thread, you seem unnecessarily angry. No one is forcing you to give. But let’s also acknowledge that they have been through a hell of a lot this year, just like teachers. Oh wait, they must be money grubbing (don’t know why they expect tips) people, too.

    • Anon

      In addition to choices like Target and Walgreens, I find Dunkin Donuts gift cards are appreciated. Most people either drink coffee or eat a donut or would be happy to treat family with donuts. It seems a little more holidayish and less utilitarian, and yet is a cash equivalent to a lot of people.

        • Anon

          OP said gift cards other than VISA type ones were allowed. So to a specific store like DD or Target is allowed.

    • Ribena

      I wrote a small card and put a £10 note inside it and put it next to my front door, then ran out when I caught my regular postie yesterday morning. I didn’t know who had my regular round before this year but now I’m in all the time I do.

      • Cb

        Aww, I loved Daryl our DPD driver and will miss him. But our new postie and DPD driver seem very nice.

    • Anonymous

      We also have a box outside our house door with bottled waters and snacks in it and it has been well-received. My understanding is that people are rushing so much and under such time pressure that they often can’t eat. We have some Kind bars (who else has kids who refuse chocolate chip items?!) and individually bagged snacks.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t at all disagree on the morale point, but aren’t they unionized federal workers with decent pay and benefits (eg not Instacart delivery people)? I have absolutely no idea who my postal worker is because the mail delivery area in my apartment complex is not even close to me. I’m not sure if this really feels like a time for a tip, even though I would like to thank all essential workers in some way.

      • Anon

        That’s fair – living in an apartment complex is definitely different than a neighborhood.

        I think the tipping is odd (I think all holiday tipping is odd), but it’s customary.

        • cbackson

          I don’t know anyone who tips their letter carrier, so I don’t think it’s customary everywhere.

          • Anonymous

            I do. I’ve never not done it.

            [In a TV movie, somewhere, the USPS mail carrier is the one who notices you are in distress and saves you b/c they see your house every day and know what is not normal. They are amateur detectives in a way (that car normally isn’t in the driveway; the mail is piling up; time to put in a welfare check for this elderly person who lives alone).]

          • Anon

            I grew up in a small town in Mass and my parents would leave a small gift/tip for the mail carrier and the trash pickup people.

          • Anonymous

            Yes exactly, anon at 10:36! I posted below that my husband is a mail carrier. He is the one who called the police when an elderly customer died. He is the only one who noticed because the mail started piling up. He also helped a woman who had fallen and hit her head and was wandering around the neighborhood, confused and injured. She went to him for help. He helped another elderly man find his house. He had gone for a walk and gotten lost and couldn’t remember which house was his.

      • Jeffiner

        I find this mindset fascinating. I have decent pay and benefits, but I still enjoy getting something extra and recognition for hard work. We have all sorts of discussions on holiday gifts for housecleaners and hair stylists and nannies. I suppose you have to draw the line somewhere, you can’t gift to everyone you interact with.

        • Anon

          +1

          I don’t do a holiday tip for my hair dresser (just tip when I get a cut) but I definitely tip my mailman

      • Ellen

        Dad says it is illegal, but he still gives his US Postal guy $20 every year for many years, and he takes it willingly, so if someone is going to Jail, Dad says he will have a bunkmate. Personally, I don’t get much mail, other then circulars from Nordstrom (no more Lord & Taylor–FOOEY). I really get packages from UPS and FEDEX, and don’t know those guys at all. There was a UPS guy 2 years ago that used to ooogle me, but I haven’t seen him and for all I know he has a new job.

    • Anonymous

      I leave a card and a little box of chocolates in my mailbox for them. I don’t know my mail carrier’s name, so I address the card to “mail carrier” – is this ok or should I address it some other way?

    • anon

      We’ve mostly given giftcards to Target, Amazon, or Kroger in the last 20 years or so. It’s just something nice to do. When I was little my parents also gave me chocolate boxes to give my school bus drivers.

    • Cl

      The carriers have worked extremely hard this year with no end in sight. In addition, over 120 Postal Workers have died from COVID, as of last month stats. The toll will only increase. Be nice to them.

        • Anon

          I have never, and will never, understand why American culture equates “being nice” with “giving money.” We will say thank you to our postal worker and maybe give him a card. We will not tip. Tipping culture is out of control and p.s., is also a way for companies to continue fighting paying decent wages or allowing the federal minimum wage to go up. “They can make it up out of tips” becomes a better and better excuse the more people tipping culture expands to cover.

          • Cl

            I never said tip them? Be nice could mean: give them a wave if you see them, don’t yell at them for things they cannot control, or let your dog jump on them or some other crazy things I’m hearing working logistics. Of course, if you want to give them something, by all means. Know that Postal employees do not expect a tip. Some are also contractors, 1099 and not unionized, and deliver for USPS last mile. Sounds like you could use some kindness in your life?

          • Jeffiner

            Tipping culture is absolutely out of control. But not tipping my restaurant server or hair stylist or mail carrier is not going to prompt companies to increase wages. This isn’t a problem for me to solve with my individual actions, unless those actions are to vote for leaders who actually implement reforms.

        • Jeffiner

          We put bottled water and Gatorade in our mailbox during the 100+ degree days of August. A cup of coffee in my mailbox isn’t feasible, so a coffee gift card it is.

    • Anonymous

      My husband is a mail carrier and while he is a unionized federal employee with excellent benefits and decent pay, he also works long hours especially this time of year. He doesn’t expect tips at all, but does appreciate them from his regular customers. He knows many of the people on his route. They give him gift cards to starbucks or the local donut place, boxes of chocolate, homemade cookies, homemade masks. His station is really good about if someone else is doing the route that day and picks up the tip/gift, they will give it to the regular carrier.

    • Anonymous

      How are people tipping, taping an envelope into their mailbox? How would you label it? I do not know who our postal worker is, if it’s always the same person, or anything else. I might do a small gift card just because it’s 2020 but this is weird to me.

    • NYNY

      We tip our mail carrier with forbidden cash every year, because she’s amazing. We moved apartments within the neighborhood 10 years ago, and she personally kept track of misdirected items that weren’t automatically forwarded. When our mailbox lock was broken, she recognized that an envelope contained a check and brought it to our door. She brings packages upstairs instead of leaving them in the lobby. I don’t care if it’s against the rules, she deserves a real tip!

    • a

      In Philadelphia, its common to leave out a gift for garbage collectors(usually beer/liquor) and to give a letter carrier a gift card to Dunkin or something. I don’t care if they are unionized government employees, it is the nice/right thing.

  5. Cb

    How do I find out what my counter tops are made of? Just moved to a new house and not sure how to clean it. The sink is teflite, but the counter tops are black, textured, feels quite solid (at least in comparison to my builder grade kitchen).
    Also, what is wrong with buttons on appliances? Took 2 people 20 minutes to figure out how to work the oven yesterday, mostly because we couldn’t find the on button.

    • Anonymous

      I’d ask my realtor to find out. She should be able to find out from the previous owners via their agent.

    • Anon

      Ask the previous owner these questions if you have contact information. The real estate agent might also have some information.

    • IL

      I’m still playing the guessing game with my new kitchen too!

      We also have black textured countertops. Extensive Google-ing suggests it is leathered granite, and suggests soap and hot water to clean it. I’ve also used disinfecting wipes occasionally, but I’m not sure whether that’s advisable.

      • Anonymous

        Also: “marine black” ours was sold as soapstone (but isn’t — it is much harder); ours has a leathered finish that I just love.

    • anon

      Possibly leathered granite? That’s a lot more common than soapstone around here.

    • Anon

      Agreed, ask the previous owner or the agent to ask the previous owner if it was a bit more arms length.

      As a recent home seller I could absolutely tell you the material, exact color and even store where we bought our countertops in our last home and I would be happy to share with the buyer rather than leave them puzzled and/or accidentally care for them wrong in a destructive way. I realize not every interaction will end with this detailed info, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

      • Cb

        Our sellers were lovely and did a full run down of the house with us, including all the quirks, so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind a phone call.

    • Senior Attorney

      For appliances, I’ve had good luck finding the owner’s manual online for even very old appliances. It may take some searching to find the model number but it will be worth it.

    • Anon

      It’s probably leathered granite, but if you post a picture someone here will be able to tell you.

  6. anon for this

    Just found out that my husband’s Christmas gift is a significantly upgraded engagement ring. Like, I am going from .75 carat to 3 carats. This is a lovely gesture from my husband, who knows that I adore jewelry and the ring is beautiful. I very much would like to wear and enjoy it. However, I work in a nonprofit where jobs have been recently cut and am a little afraid of how my coworkers are going to respond to the jump in engagement ring size. They can be judgemental and definitely notice and comment on rings. Would you judge a woman who received a large upgrade to her engagement ring and then wore the ring to the office during pandemic times? Should I just keep wearing my smaller ring to work and wear the bigger one everywhere else? We are in the office a few days a week. Curious as to what you all think.

    • Veronica Mars

      I’d wear and it and say it’s Moissanite if anyone was snooty about it, but that’s just how I roll.

      • Anonymous

        I know Moissanite is lovely, but this still comes across a bit like “I’m wearing costume jewelry to work with impoverished populations.”

        • Anonymous

          Does anyone else remember that post here about “throwaway diamond earrings” to wear in a “rough neighborhoods” several years ago? Lol

    • Anon

      I think you are right to think about this. At a prior job, more for safety reason than snobbish reasons, I didn’t wear my regular engagement ring and just wore my wedding band. Maybe break it out closer to when things settle down and return to normal at your office instead of in the midst of layoffs?

      I know my old firm was laying off associates and the managing partner rolled in with a brand new luxury car and people were not happy.

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t judge, period, and your coworkers sound like a sad bunch. Wear it anyway and (if they ask) tell them how much your husband wanted to show his appreciation with this gift. I personally prefer honesty to concocting stories that might get mixed up.

    • Anonymous

      I think I’d not wear it to work. I not infrequently turn my e-ring upside down when going thrifting (I’m there for fun; others are there out of necessity), so I’m sensitive to how it could make others feel.

      • Anonymous

        Even from before, I was worried I’d leave my ring sink-side when washing my hands, so I usually just wear a $20 QALO ring. I have a jewelry rider for my e-ring, but it’s just not something I want to lose b/c it is an antique.

    • Anonymous

      Would you like a sister-wife? Sort of kidding. That ring sounds amazing.

    • Friday

      I vote wear it. I used to work with a group of ladies who were perennially scandalized by the size of various women’s rings. It’s sour grapes.

    • Anonymous

      I would wear regular ring at work and new fancy ring on non-office days.

      I’m always fascinated by the difference in financial set ups that couples have. Makes me realize how wide the spectrum of how people live their financial lives can be. DH and I would never spend that kind of money without consulting the other. Reminds me of how my Dad used to surprise my mom with a new car. I’d be so mad if DH made that kind of huge financial decision without my input.

      • anon for this

        We both have family money and can afford the upgrade, but as a rule, we don’t live ostentatious lives, which is why this gives me pause. We drive much older cars than is common in our area, our home is nothing special, we don’t wear anything with a logo, etc.

      • Anon

        Yea, I never get the “Surprise your spouse this Christmas with a new luxury car” commercials. I would be so mad if my husband bought a car for me without consulting me, for so many reasons.

        • Lilau

          My mother in laws’s husband did this. He leased a car she never wanted and it was a horrible deal they were locked into. He’s an idiot with money. Middle class people shouldn’t do this.

        • Anon

          Not only that, but it is way harder to buy a car for another person as a surprise (aka, without them participating in the transaction) than the commercials make it look. I had a friend who did it a few years ago as a surprise for her husband and it was an ordeal.

      • Bonnie Kate

        We’re like that – we consult each other before big financial decisions – 95% of the time. We don’t have any hard and fast rule about it and neither one of us vetos each other, more like giving a heads up with big expenditures. But last winter I did surprise my DH with a new ATV for Christmas because I had said no, no, no for years and I my bonus covered it so I just did it. And it was super fun! But not something we’d habitually do.

    • Anonymous

      Life rule: You should never change your reasonable actions based on the possibility someone might judge you. If this sounds like a great gift to you and you would like to wear the ring, wear it.

      Also, I can only imagine how crushed your husband might be if you didn’t wear the ring just because you thought a coworker might judge you. That would deflate a heartfelt, special gift so much.

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure it’s particularly reasonable to dress inappropriately for the occasion.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah — not clear wearing a ginormous diamond in these circumstances is reasonable.

      • Vicky Austin

        +1 – I would absolutely consider your husband’s feelings over your coworkers’ opinions.

        • Anon

          +1 they sound unpleasant! I’d wear it. I actually don’t think the pandemic affects this choice. I’ve had the type of coworkers who comment on this stuff and if they arent commenting on your ring I bet it’s on your Starbucks habit or dress. Nice of you to worry about others’ feelings though but I think that sounds sweet of your husband!

    • anonymous

      To answer your question – No. I would not judge a woman who received an upgrade to her engagement ring and wore it to the office during pandemic times. I have a life and more important things in life to think about. I’m not being snarky at you, but your ridiculous co-workers. I find judgmental, catty people very annoying. Wear your ring whenever you want.

      • anon

        +1. I understand why you’re asking the question, and it stinks that your coworkers are judgmental sorts. That said, I’d say wear the ring regardless. If you love the ring, then you might as well use it and enjoy it as often as possible. Personally, I think my DH’s feelings would be VERY hurt if he bought me a lovely piece of jewelry that I wouldn’t wear because of “what other people might think.” His opinion is more important to me than some busybodies at work.

        • Anonymous

          This: “His opinion is more important to me than some busybodies at work.”

    • Anon

      I wouldn’t judge, because idgaf but when I worked in international development (in an office in DC, I wasn’t even in the field) most women just wore a single simple band. I’m sure many had an engagement ring at home and many did not.

      I’ve learned recently that almost all of the men in my office have work rings vs actual rings (we do a lot of field work)

      • Anon

        On your latter point, Enzo silicone rings are great for that. I wear my real rings on video conferences and in-person things and I wear my Enzo for all my day to day stuff, exercising, general WFH, grocery shopping as it is more comfortable and easier to keep clean/sanitized. Too many grooves in my regular rings that trap germs.

        • Anon

          As someone who sincerely missed the memo on wedding stuff somewhere in childhood and sees much of this through alien eyes – this… is so confusing. What is the point of a silicone ring? It is not jewelry, so is it literally just to denote your married status? Is that a thing one needs to worry about unless you are at a bar past midnight? Is it about hurting husband’s feelings? If a beloved ring is impractical, the most practical thing seems to be to leave it at home. Why wear a poor substitute instead?

    • Anonymous

      Are you public facing where you need to worry about the image you project to clients or is this purely about coworkers?

      • anon for this

        I am public-facing. I interact mainly with donors, board members, partners, etc.

        • Anonymous

          In that case, isn’t the big ring a plus? It signals that you are part of their social tier.

          • Anon

            This depends greatly on the context. The poster knows her nonprofit best and didn’t seem to think that donors or partners would be put off by the ring, so you’re right here. But I just wanted to note that’s not always the case. If she works for a nonprofit working for human rights, a big diamond would probably raise eyebrows (in a bad way) for a lot of donors or board members. Kind of like you wouldn’t ask for a large PETA donation while wearing a fur coat, even a vintage one.

    • Anonymous

      I definitely think it’s distasteful for the reasons you mentioned. If it were me, I would not wear it to work, ever, not just now. Also, what is the source of the diamond?! Is it certified ethical? This is at least as much of an issue for me as the cost during a pandemic/recession/layoffs. As a coworker, I wouldn’t say anything at all, but I would be thinking these things.

      • anonymous

        It reflects poorly on you that you would judge something that is none of your business. How does this affect your life in any way?

        • Anonymous

          I mean I personally judge these things too and while it might not impact *me* it impacts the environment and human rights in developing nation’s which I think is incredibly important. People of means shouldn’t be participating in systems which hurt those without

          • Anon

            I have very strong personal beliefs about diamonds (lab grow or vintage only for me) because I’ve worked in a human rights adjacent field. Wish more people would pay attention to it, but also I’m not asking anyone where they got their diamond

      • Anon

        Ick – so you would be judging (perhaps incorrectly) that the OP has a ring that may not be certified ethical but you wouldn’t judge someone with a smaller ring who may have a not certified ethical diamond? This is just bizarre and seems like a huge amount of head space to waste on something you wouldn’t be able to find out….as others pointed out, it may not even be a diamond, how would you know???

      • Anonymous

        This. Unless I know you’re super wealthy and can afford a large Canadian diamond, I’m going to assume your large ring is not ethically sourced and judge you for that. So tired of the trash Kimberly Process and blood diamonds at Costco so people can think they are cool with 3 carat rings.

      • anon

        You would seriously be thinking about the source of someone else’s jewelry? Why devote so much headspace to something that is very much not your business?

      • LaurenB

        It’s immaterial that the source of the diamond is “an issue for you”. It’s not an issue for the poster and her husband. This is about as silly as judging her for eating a ham sandwich if you, yourself, are vegan. Not your worry or concern.

        • Anonymous

          Wait do you really think it’s a-okay that people die for diamonds? So long as someone doesn’t care about human life it’s totally moral to do whatever makes them happy?

          • anon

            How would you know this just from seeing the ring though? It could be lab grown, it could be antique, it could be ethically sourced, it could be a blood diamond. You would have no way of knowing this just from seeing it. It’s insane to me to spend mental energy thinking about this and it would be incredibly rude to go around asking people the background of their engagement ring.

    • Anon

      Depends on your level in the org. If you’re in any sort of management/ supervisory position, I don’t think you should wear it to work. I get everyone saying don’t live your life in fear of judgment, but there’s also something to be said for being considerate of others. Like someone mentioned, it’s in really poor taste to show up in a new luxury car if your company has just undergone salary cuts. It doesn’t matter if there are different circumstances in your life, it’s just not kind.

      • Anon

        I don’t think she said they’d cut salaries? If that was the case I’d have answered differently. That’s a big assumption.

    • Lilau

      I wear a ring about that size. It is an heirloom from my grandmother and it was appraised for about what a higher quality stone of about . 75 carats would. I sometimes say something cheeky along the lines of “ size isn’t everything” if someone is ridiculous enough to comment on its size.

    • Anonymous

      I’d wear it. Daily. You and your husband have done what you’ve done to get to your station in life or have been lucky/born into it. If that means diamonds or luxury cars or whatever, then that’s what it means and if others are jealous or insecure, shrug?

      • Seventh Sister

        Yeah, I wouldn’t notice. The only engagement ring I ever noticed was years and years ago – an easily six-carat emerald-cut diamond on a very petite, newly-married woman. Even in a pretty “fancy” field it was way more $$$$$ than usual.

        Maybe this is just my GenX cynicism coming through, but I generally don’t assume anyone’s diamond is real and/or doesn’t have a significant flaw if it is relatively large.

    • anon

      This is awful to think about and I’m not saying it’s right, but if your organization has to cut people, they may look at someone who just got a three carat engagement ring and say “oh it’s ok to lay her off, she’ll be ok because her husband makes a lot of money, and the other person we are considering is a single mom.” Again, this shouldn’t happen, but it does happen. In a non-pandemic, I’d worry about this less.

      • anon

        This. I might also be concerned that they would think the money won’t mean as much to me when considering raises/bonuses.

        IDGAF about others’ jewelry, but I’d worry about signaling “I don’t need this job.” Unless, of course, I wanted to signal that, like if I really didn’t need the job and would quit if I stopped liking it.

      • Anon

        +1 I used to work with someone whose husband hit a startup jackpot. She didn’t want anyone to know because she didn’t want to be a layoff target. And his money was all in stock anyway, so it wasn’t like they could just live off of it.

      • Kitten

        +1 this was my only thought. Speaking for myself, I would not notice and would not even bother contemplating whether it was real or not. Several of my friends are engaged and have rings of that size and I’ve never heard of it being an issue. I know one of them is a lab grown diamond because she volunteered that info but I honestly don’t care.

    • In

      I think you should wear the “new” ring and wear it proudly. I used to work for the local govt (county level) and I was an attorney. I worked with other people who barely graduated high school and I felt a little uncomfortable about my wedding set. I was already married when I started working there and so I started not to wear the solitaire and just the band so that I wasn’t too “flashy.” But then I got to thinking…I’m never wearing my complete set b/c I work 5 out of 7 days and on the weekends running errands, I don’t wear it (usually) just to go to the grocery store, etc. So I started to wear it and then I got a bunch of questions about it. Had i just been honest and wore it proudly, it wouldn’t have been a big deal.

    • Anon

      Just a different frame on it – I don’t think you should respond to snarky judgment, but I think there is also an aspect to being sensitive to others’ feelings in a really trying time. It sucks to be laid off or see your co-workers laid off, and conspicuous consumption by the leadership team can often rot an organization’s culture because it looks like you just don’t get it. Wear it 6 months from now or similar.

      • Anonymous

        I disagree. If someone else is offended or hurt by a small piece of jewelry (because yes, a ring is small – it’s not a flashing neon headdress), that’s on them to deal with. You can’t go through life preemptively worrying about offending people by existing.

    • Anonymous

      I love jewelry but I don’t understand the concept of an upgraded engagement ring. You get an engagement ring at or about the time you get engaged. Any subsequent ring is a bonus ring. By all means wear it on whatever finger on whichever hand you want, it’s still a symbol of your love and commitment with your spouse. But it’s not an engagement ring. Call it an anniversary ring or something.

      To your actual question, I personally would not wear a large ring for day to day. My big stones are uncomfortable to wear all day and I’m always concerned about wear and tear or losing them (god forbid). They also feel a bit gaudy? I am HERE FOR gaudy when I go out – sequins are a neutral – but not at work.

      • Anon

        She can call it what she wants. I’m on my third wedding ring with the same husband. They’re all my wedding ring.

      • Lilau

        Upgrading engagement rings is such a tradition in my family that we joke about watering them at night with tiny watering cans and OH LOOK IT GREW! Keep the husband, switch out the ring.

    • BabyAssociate

      As my grandma always says: “jewelry is meant to be worn.” If you like it, you should absolutely wear it! If your coworkers judge, so be it. You’re not wearing it “at” them.

      • Anonymous

        But she wouldn’t be wearing her old ring anymore, right? Is it just going to sit in a drawer? Wearing the old ring at work and the new ring outside of work would make sure that both rings are still in use.

    • Anonymous

      I would not judge someone that received an new ring and wore it, now or at any other time. At most, if I even noticed it, I would think it was pretty ring and if I thought about it, would think it might be something you had rather than something new. I don’t envy people who have nice things, especially when nice people have nice things!

      Some people will judge you no matter what, so you can’t worry about keeping everyone happy.

      • Anon for this

        I totally judge people with bad environmental social choices unless I’m aware of a very good reason to absolve them. The planet is dying. People are hungry and hurting. You’ve enough education to know the impacts of your choices. If you still want to buy/wear/show off bad decisions I’m not going to tell you to your face unless you’re a good friend but I sure as hell am judging your fur coat and your unnecessary shiny stone.

          • anon for this

            But if the ring is an antique, I don’t see how it is a bad decision to purchase. Maybe I shouldn’t flash it in people’s faces, but I don’t think buying an Edwardian ring mined ages ago is unethical.

          • Anon

            Different anon, but I have no issue with antique diamonds! We can’t control what happened in the past, we can just enjoy the pretty things we have now. I just wouldn’t want my husband to buy me a newly mined African diamond.

          • Different Anon

            Different anon, but I have no issue with antique diamonds! We can’t control what happened in the past, we can just enjoy the pretty things we have now. I just wouldn’t want my husband to buy me a newly mined African diamond.

        • blueberry

          How would you know that any of this impact their ring? I have my great-grandmothers ring that I like to wear – would you immediately judge that even though you have absolutely no idea where and from what circumstances that ring came from?

          • anon for this

            I have realized reading these responses that people like this are going to judge me no matter what when/if they figure out my family and my in-laws are old money.

          • Anonymous

            That’s the point. People will judge you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO. May as well do what you want and do your best not to cause actual harm to others (and no, giving a nosy person a case of the sads doesn’t count).

    • Mal

      Some people will notice, others will not – it sounds like you know that there will be a few folks that will be snarky about it. If this bothers you, I see no problem in delaying wearing it to work. If you husband notices you are not wearing it a work (because you certainly don’t have to point it out to him) I don’t think a thoughtful husband would mind at all if you said “I want to be considerate and thoughtful during this hard time when people are loosing their jobs and struggling.” Wear it with pride and be thankful to your thoughtful husband when you are comfortable to do so – if right now that is when you are at home/shopping/not at work, great. The lovely thing about a ring is it won’t wear out, and you’ll have it for many, many years where you’ll get to enjoy it.

      • Mal

        To be clear, I think it is in bad taste to comment on things like that – your coworkers or anyone else should mind their own business. But I do think the reality is that a large carat diamond is a signifier of wealth for many, and a lot of people can’t relate to spending tens of thousands on jewelry. (No idea what yours would have cost, and it doesn’t matter.) What matters is how you treat people, and what you, through your actions, place value on. You are obviously thoughtful about these kinds of things so don’t imagine that’s a problem. :)

    • DoesntBelongHere

      You could always say the diamond is a family heirloom and your husband’s gift was the setting, etc.

    • Also anon for this

      My parents own a jewelry store and as such, I have some very nice things that were not indicative of my salary. At one place I worked, a higher-up was known to make comments on who deserved raises based on things like jewelry, cars, vacations, etc., never wore anything in the office other than costume jewelry and my engagement ring after hearing that. It still ticks me off to think about it but at the same time had very little leverage to push back on the pettiness.

      Another role I had at a different non-profit was client facing. We served people with low incomes and it never felt right to wear anything super noticeable there, either. I didn’t want to create unnecessary barriers based on first impressions.

      I don’t believe that people should hide who they are or anything like that. But, I also recognize perception matters a lot in the workforce and didn’t want barriers placed on my career advancement or ability to perform my role due to something that didn’t matter much to me anyway. I took it, especially in my second example, more as dressing appropriately for the job I had.

      • Seventh Sister

        That is SO petty! I have a relative like this and it’s funny how often she gets it wrong about what things cost. Like my favorite wool blazer is so so expensive because it’s from J. Crew (it was maybe $50 at Nordstrom Rack) but she thinks I have a terrible, cheap old coat (which is from a brand she’s never heard of – Marni).

    • Anon

      I think context matters, but for the most party you do you and rock your new bling.

      There’s a lot of discussion below about the ethics of diamonds. If your new ring is lab grown or is vintage/an heirloom and therefore was mined long, long ago feel free to disregard this paragraph. I think it matters a lot what your nonprofit does. If you are working in the human rights/humanitarian/international development sphere, especially in a country impacted by the diamond trade, I think it’s a bad look. There’s still a lot of human rights abuses in the diamond industry, so I think it would be a no-go if you work at an international human rights non-profit.

      I also think if you’re client-facing with impoverished clients, then it’s probably a bad look (at least on those days).

      I’ve worked my entire career in the nonprofit/NGO/government side of int’l development and I truly believe that we should not become martyrs for our mission (leads to burnout, just because we’re professional do-gooders doesnt mean we deserve to be miserable, no one wins in the suffering olympics, one person can only do so much, work/life balance is crucial). Also, life is short! If you want to wear the fancy ring, wear the fancy ring. How you got this ring is not your coworkers business.

      • Anon

        I totally agree with this response. I work in a nonprofit as well, and I would not come to work carrying certain objects that are totally antithetical to the mission of my organization. But I also don’t think it’s possible for me to fix every ill in the world with my own personal decisions. So, I’m not going to drive a huge, unnecessary gas guzzling vehicle to work at an org that combats air pollution. But I’m also going to be ok with wearing my leather boots to the office in that scenario. So I wouldn’t wear the diamond if the organization focused on human rights abuses or other causes that touch on the diamond industry, but I might if I worked at a place advocating for clean water.

    • Dahlia

      I work with a low income population. My engagement ring is 2 carat and I don’t wear it to work when I’m seeing patients. I just wear my wedding band.

      I just don’t feel comfortable wearing something that costs more than many of my patients annual income when they are struggling to afford food or with homelessness- it just feels inappropriately showy.

      I don’t personally worry about my co-workers and have no problem wearing it if i’m just in meetings all day. Most of the women I work with have roughly the same size as me.

  7. Lily

    Hoping someone here knows their fonts! I am trying to recreate a holiday card I saw on Minted but cannot figure out what the font is. It doesn’t need to match exactly, but would be nice to get close. Any ideas? Bonus points if you have ideas for what the cursive font (“from”) is, too!

    https://www.minted.com/product/holiday-photo-cards/MIN-L4W-HYC/vienna?color=A&custom_foil=unselected&form_factor=standard&format=flat+card&greeting=christmas&paper=Smooth+Signature&photo=1_portrait–portrait&quantity=25&shape=default&&utm_content=18_hol_nco20&utm_medium=sem&utm_source=google&utm_sub=pla&utm_campaign=G_S_Holiday_PLA_SmartShopping_PriorityPKs&utm_custom_a=Holiday&utm_custom_b=feed&utm_custom_c=shopping&utm_int=b&utm_keyword=&utm_device=a&AudId=pla-855670899994&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgLrym87D7QIVAoizCh19jAivEAQYASABEgJHoPD_BwE

    • Cat

      When you go to the “customizer” step it shows you the font name when you click on the text :)

    • Veronica Mars

      If you’re looking for a lower cost place, I find Snapfish really good. I used them for our cards this year.

      • Lily

        Thank you – definitely looking for lower cost, which is why we are having a family friend do them (they own a small print shop).

    • anon

      Minted works with independent artists. I would think twice about blatantly ripping off a design from this site. That’s super bit cool. It’s one thing to draw inspiration, but another to essentially recreate it.

  8. buche de noel?

    I’ve decided I want to attempt a buche de noel as a baking project, probably for Christmas/Christmas Eve. Does anyone have a favorite recipe, especially one with lots of helpful step-by-steps? Feel free to share your other ambitious cooking projects as well!

    • nuqotw

      I have no recipe to bring ba-rum-pum-pum…

      Sorry.

      Try searching King Arthur (https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes). I have been baking things off their website as the pandemic wears on. I have enjoyed every single thing I have ever baked from them, they have a blog discussing the details/techniques of many if not all of their recipes, and they have a baker’s hotline if you run into trouble.

    • ArenKay

      Rose Levy Berenbaum’s from The Cake Bible. Her instructions are incredibly precise.

    • Digby

      America’s Test Kitchen/Cook’s Illustrated always has very detailed recipes.

    • BB

      It’s not online, but the one in the Flour Too cookbook is really, really good. I have very little cake baking experience, and I made it two years ago. Came out amazing – light sponge, delicious pastry cream and frosting. It also has good detailed instructions on what to look for (like what it means to whip something to hard peaks) if you’re not a pastry chef.

    • Equestrian Attorney

      I’m french, so we make it every year. I have no receipe to recommend because we use my grandmother’s old cookbook to make the cake, but it’s a classic génoise. We’ve done all kinds of fillings, from the classic chocolate and chestnut to maple cream to raspberries and mascarpone (last year’s favourite). It’s not that hard, you just want to ve delicate with the rolling (I use a damp dish towel). And then have fun with the decorations!

    • Anon

      Ricardo Cuisine (French Canadian TV chef) has multiple recipes and they’re all available in English

    • Horse Crazy

      My family always uses the Better Homes and Gardens jelly roll recipe – there’s a variant for making it a “chocolate cake roll”, which is basically a buche de noel. It’s sooooooooo good! Will paste the link in a reply.

    • No fear!

      Have no fear–I’ve done them a bunch of times, and no matter which one of the below recipes you pick, they’re actually really easy. They only look hard.

  9. Diana Barry

    Is anyone located in Portland and can recommend fancy local food delivery for a gift? DH has a work friend there whose wife just had surgery and we’d like to send them something. TIA!

    • kk

      I assume you mean Portland, Oregon, right? I’d consider a box from Olympia Provisions.

      Also, for anyone ordering meal delivery right now, consider Chownow over grubhub, ubereats, seamless, etc. ChowNow asks restaurants to pay a flat $150/month to be on the platform, rather than taking 30% of every order. It’s a really easy step to make sure that your dollars are actually going to the restaurants you want to support.

      • kk

        (obviously the best action is to order directly from the restaurant, but if you prefer an app, ChowNow would be my choice)

        • Covanon

          That 30% made me so stabby that I have now always just gone in for takeout and tipped generously. I loathe the other apps. I may tolerate this one.

    • Anon

      When I’m in Portland, Oregon, my favorite restaurants are Hoda’s (middle eastern) and Tom Yum’s (thai). There is also great pho soup all over town. Grand Central Bakery makes posh sandwiches that are almost worth the price. If you are looking for a grocery delivery, I can’t think of anything beyond nthe standards like Zupan and New Seasons.

  10. Bored at Work

    I started a new job a few months ago after being unemployed most of the year (quit my previous job pre-pandemic, great timing). The people I work with are lovely, but the company is a lot smaller than I’m used to and the pace is much much slower. Like, after coming from really crazy and fast-paced jobs, I’ve got a steady 1-2 hours of work a day and then other bits and bobs throughout the day. I’ve already done everything I can think of to stay busy (CLEs, industry research, rewriting forms, volunteering for more work) and lately I’ve just resorted to online shopping and reading books on my computer to stay sane. It might get a little busier in the new year, but I’m not sure I’ll ever really be truly busy at this job. Suggestions on other things I could be doing? I’ve toyed with an Executive MBA but don’t want to spend the money (and not sure it’d be worth it as a lawyer) and looked into some certificate courses, but they will also get costly if you do more than one ($3-4K a pop).

    • Jess

      It sounds lovely that you have time to read at work. Enjoy your less stressful life! You could maybe use some of the work time to network (emailing). I know others use free time to pay bills/deal with life administration.

    • Anon

      I have a similar job, and do most of my personal computer stuff during work. Looking for a new recipe, online shopping, read news, paying bills on my phone, researching new home purchases, etc. it’s not great, but there is only so much free training you can do

    • Anon

      I’d learn a language and write a novel. (Note that learning a language would probably require headphones, so YMMV.)

      • Anon

        You can choose to do Duolingo without listening/speaking. Not helpful for a brand new language, but good for brushing up on your high school French

    • Coach Laura

      Coursera and other free MOOC programs have MBAs and similar classes for free, if you don’t need the sheepskin. Some programs even give a certificate or some type of degree. Obviously an MBA earned this way won’t get you hired to teach at a university or be hired by McKinsey (solely on the basis of the classes) but might still be useful to an attorney.

      You could get a other certifications – not sure what’s free via Coursera but there should be some low cost options.

      Learn@Forbes is a Forbes spinoff and its courses are cheap. Project mgmt, finance, marketing, strategy, leadership, merger and acquisitions all might have some usefulness to an attorney at some point – not knowing your specialty these are general recommendations.

    • anon a mouse

      I had this job for 2 years. After a decade of really fast-paced work, often 60-hour weeks, it was a serious lifestyle adjustment, though a welcome one. I took short breaks to walk around the walk during the day. I left work on time and went to the gym every day (or on really slow days in non-Covid times, went over my lunch break). I researched things that I was interested in that were tangentially related to my job — read academic papers, learned more about adjacent corporate landscapes, etc. I used the time to think about my long term career and strategize, and ended up going to graduate school part time and moving into something that was fulfilling long term.

      • Bored at Work

        This is exactly what I’m struggling with – I’d really like to use this chance to strategize about my long-term career goals and do/learn something to help me move towards those goals. But after job searching all year and the mess of Covid, I don’t even know what “next” looks like or how I could better prepare for it. But I’m glad to hear it worked out for you and hopefully with a few more months under my belt I’ll start to get some good ideas too!

  11. brokentoe

    Help – I need to send some flowers to a friend for her milestone birthday today in Naples, Florida. Any suggestions for good local florist?

    • LaurenB

      I’ve had to send 3 sets of flowers to Naples in the past few months for a relative having medical procedures, and in all cases I used my local (Illinois) florist, and all 3 times my relative sent back pictures of the flowers she received and they were beautiful. To me this falls under “that’s my local florist’s job to solve,” not mine. (I don’t mean that to sound curt.)

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure I understand. Is your local florist shipping across the country or outsourcing or something else? Not sure most local florists do this.

  12. Sad and bad

    Hive, I just need a place to safely be a “bad” person for a moment, because I cannot express these thoughts in real life. My spouse and I have been going through fertility treatment for 8 months, which doesn’t even count the 1+ year before that when we were on waiting lists, undertaking testing, having preparatory procedures (eg. polyp removal), or otherwise in holding pattern. It has been such a long and emotional and mostly fraught (and expensive…) experience. And it feels very joyless in the time of covid when spouse and I can’t even navigate any of the appointments together, we must be alone. Sister in law just posted on her family-only instagram a picture of her boys wearing “big brother” t-shirts to announce she’s newly pregnant. She told us she started trying in November, so it feels like a punch in the gut that it happened so quickly and easily (note** I know her getting pregnant is not something she is doing AT us). And even more a punch in the gut that she knows of our struggle and didn’t even bother to reach out to us personally to give us the news. Now mom in law is also calling us to be like “OMG you must be so excited! Auntie and uncle again!!” and “what’s the status of your treatment?? when will it be you?” and I just generally feel so angry at everyone’s insensitivity and am dreading spending Christmas with these people in this context. Infertility around the holidays is already so hard, and I can just tell that now Christmas will be mostly a celebration of my sister in law’s pregnancy and an oppourtunity to ask invasive questions about our own journey. Yes I’m excited to be an aunt again, but what gets lost is my deep deep desire to be a mom, and those aren’t the same.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        Definitely! I’m hoping OP just doesn’t gather with family, BUT if they do family chats via Zoom, then she still might get bombarded with comments about SIL’s pregnancy, questions about her own attempts, etc. so even social distancing might not be able to save her from that.

        I am wondering though, if catching up with someone via Zoom or a phone call (versus a group chat) might be an okay place to say “you know, I’m happy for her, but I’ve been having a hard time getting pregnant and this is a sore topic for me, could we talk about something else?” even if it’s not something you’d say in an open living room on Christmas day? I guess it also depends on the relationship, and how much you trust them not to gab about it later. In a group video call, you have the option of acting like something urgent has called you away from the screen and you’ll be right back, and you can mute the chat for a few minutes.

    • anon

      I am so very sorry. You have every right to feel the way you do, and your MIL is being especially insensitive. Geez. People who haven’t been there really don’t get the emotional toll that infertility takes. When I was going through it, I truly hated hearing about oops pregnancies and people who got pregnant very quickly. I would never express that of course, but it felt especially bad.

    • Anon

      Whoa you are not a bad person! You’re a person who is going through a sucky, horrible, heartbreaking situation with a MIL who is a horse’s arse.

      Your MIL needs to learn some manners and your husband should be the one to do it. He should call her sometime in the next week and tell her that she’s being an insensitive clod. Rules going forward: her lips need to be zipped. When there is good news, you will share it. Until then, she can and SHOULD assume that you are both in agony. While you are both happy for SIL, you are not obligated to run your emotions to make your MIL feel better.

      Going forward, if she starts in with insensitive questions, end the conversation. Just hang up the phone. If she doesn’t obey the rules over the holidays, leave. Draw that boundary.

      I say this as someone who conceived remarkably easily at a rather advanced age. I hate this crap. Mind your own damn business you pricks.

      • Quail

        +1. Your husband needs to run interference with his mother. What she is saying is downright cruel. Do not spend Christmas with them this year, and you would be well within your rights to say no to future holidays and/or set other boundaries. You are not a bad person. Your MIL and SIL are the ones acting like bad people in this situation.

        • Anon

          What exactly is the SIL doing that you think is so horrible? Seems like all she did was get pregnant and post a pic.

          • Quail

            Posting an announcement to a family only Instagram (rather than larger social media, where there is more “reason” to do a cute announcement), telling family that she is “trying” for her third kid when she knows some are going through fertility treatments, announcing (apparently quite early) with a picture of her other, multiple kids. I would put all of that in the bad category – not bad inherently, but because SIL knows that OP is going through this. I know lots of people have differing feelings about how to handle pregnancy announcements to close friends/family going through fertility treatments, but this just all seems over the top and insensitive. And family cultures are different – I would never announce when I was trying to conceive! – so maybe I’m overreacting. Overall though I think SIL should be more circumspect giving the circumstances.

    • anonshmanon

      I’m sorry, this must be hard. You are so excited for SIL, that you will 100% follow public health guidelines that urge no inter-household gatherings and extra caution for pregnant women.

    • TTC

      Hey, I’m sorry this is happening to you- that really sucks If you need a community of people who are having similar experiences, I’ve been liking the TTC30 sub on reddit – lots of polite and supportive science-based discussion among well-informed women – very different from babycentre or other forums.

    • Anon

      I had to have a very blunt conversation with my mom. In response to the when will it be you questions I had to say possibly never. Fertility treatment is an attempt not a guarantee. Adoption is an attempt and not a guarantee and the assuming it was going to happen at some point was really taking a toll on my mental health. I needed people to be okay with the possibility it might just not happen. YMMV. Some people may need everyone around them to remain optimistic. I needed the opposite. Feel free to tell people what you need.

    • Anonymous

      You aren’t a bad person for feeling how you feel. People can’t help how they feel, you can only control how you act. Is it at all possible for your husband to speak with his mom and ask her to back off on the invasive questions, and explain that this is really hurting both of you? To me, there is a difference between asking people not to celebrate your sister-in-law’s new pregnancy, which you cannot do, and pointing out to people that love you that you need their kindness right now, not an interrogation.

      I am wishing you strength from the universe to navigate through.

    • Anonymous

      I am so very sorry you are going through this. And agree – don’t spend Christmas with them. You can’t possibly put a pregnant woman at extra risk by going to a multi-household gathering.

    • Anon

      Hugs. You are not a bad person at all. This is very, very hard stuff. Sending you positive vibes that all your dreams come true.

    • anon

      I am so sorry. It is okay to feel like this. I still distinctly remember when we had been trying for a year, had a procedure scheduled for the day after Christmas, and a sister-in-law announced at the big family Christmas, with not a lot of pleasure, her fifth pregnancy. Accidental, they were hoping to get a vasectomy, blah blah blah. I was devastated and kept ducking into the bathroom to cry. I felt deeply wounded, even though I knew it wasn’t, as you said, at me. I agree with the above poster – use COVID as an excuse to skip this year.

    • Anon

      I would separate the stuff with your SIL from your MIL. I don’t think there’s anything you can say to SIL. She’s excited about her pregnancy and probably didn’t think it would be hurtful to you to announce it the way she did. There’s really no right way to do it. I’ve known people struggling with infertility whose friends or family members reached out to them privately before announcing their pregnancy, and the friend found it condescending, she felt put on the spot, and said she would rather have found out on Facebook. As you said, she’s not pregnant AT you. No matter how you found out she was pregnant, it was going to sting.

      Now for MIL. It is absolutely ok to push back on her nosy questions. It is more than ok to say don’t being this up at all, if we have news we will tell you. And I think it’s your husband’s job to have this conversation. I would ask him to do it now while the example is still fresh.

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hugs.

      • Lilau

        +1 I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t understand how the sister in law was insensitive here. I think it would be weird to pull the op aside and tell her first. But isn’t this announcement just…very early? Is that what made it insensitive? I do think a family picture with the kid in a big brother shirt is a bit much, but it seems like a fairly common thing. I’ve seen flashier stuff from random people on social media.

        It seems like an odd family dynamic where your husband is expected to inform your mother in law of the details of your fertility treatments and the sister in law is announcing a pregnancy at what seems like a really early time along with the details of when they “stared trying.” This is probably both cultural and personal but it seems really invasive to me to start telling your parents about your conception efforts. My parents and I are really but close but they’d be mortified if I wanted to tell them about how and when I “started trying” to get pregnant.

        • Anonymous

          I think at various times many people have commented that the most sensitive way to tell someone in this situation is to send them an individual email so that they can read and respond when they are ready vs. a phone call which puts them on the spot or a group announcement which prompts things like MIL calling up immediately to discuss. I’m assuming they announced now because she is showing and didn’t want to make it awkward at xmas. Also assuming that the SIL was trying to avoid telling OP on xmas to give her some time to process in advance.

        • Anon

          Telling infertile loved ones about pregnancy is tough and there’s no good way to do it, just various ways of avoiding bad ways. Almost everyone agrees to not put the person on the spot and make them slap on a big smile; otherwise, it varies so much by person.

          Yeah the oversharing is a bit much. Nothing good ever comes from it, and it’s even worse when people demand details that they really do not have any business knowing. My mother tried to get waaaay too personal with my family planning, and I eventually got so pissed off (she was so certain that “Mommy psychic intuition” meant I was pregnant and just lying to her) that I told her she I would send her a photo of last week’s used menstrual products.

        • Anon

          In general, I think staged social media pregnancy announcements for third and subsequent pregnancies are over the top. Even doing such an announcement for a second is a little suspect to me, but I’ll admit to appreciating a good “older sibling” shirt on a probably unsuspecting “big” sib. Right or wrong, a second pregnancy is less exciting than a first (I have two kids and social media found out about the second when she was born). And I think it’s especially in poor taste when you know people reading are going through fertility issues.

        • Anon

          I agree that SIL wasn’t being insensitive. MIL seems like a real treat, though.

      • Anon

        +1 to this. I think the SIL is in a tough position. If she’d announced this publicly in person I would have expected a heads up ahead of time. Perhaps this was her clumsy attempt to save you from that even.

        Your MIL… sounds terrible and insensitive. I’d make my DH run interference on that real fast. And skip Christmas with them! You have a great excuse!

    • Anonymous

      What is the bad part? You are a human being who is allowed to have feelings. They were insensitive with the announcement and MIL isn’t being the most sensitive in the follow up comments. I would assume that’s out of ignorance about how hurtful their behavior is vs. maliciousness. Doesn’t make it less painful but SIL might have thought she was telling you in advance of making it public by putting it on the family only insta first.

      Don’t spend Christmas with them. If they push back – new treatments mean the doctors require you to limit contact with as many people as possible.

    • anonymous

      I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this situation and insensitive people. You’re not being a bad person. I agree with others that you don’t need to spend Christmas with them. Sending lots of good vibes your way.

    • AnonATL

      You are definitely not a bad person. I had a similar reaction when my SIL, who was well into “advanced maternal age” got pregnant very quickly with #2 while we were trying. And yes I know that’s basically a nonsense label, but jealousy isn’t rational.
      I agree to say something about covid precautions to avoid seeing all of them together. Or any of them for that matter.
      Hugs from this internet stranger.

      • AnonATL

        I realize now the advanced maternal age label might be insensitive in this context. Sorry if that in any way makes you feel worse. I mentioned it just to illustrate my similar gut reaction to this type of news.

        • OP

          Hey it’s me, the OP. Actually I felt comforted by your comment because my sister in law is 39 and apparently perfectly fertile and I am 32 and … not that. So your comment « spoke » to me.

          • Anon

            Hug. That is hard.

            There are people who are plenty fertile as they approach 40. However there are also a LOT of people who flat-out lie to protect their mental health; the intrusiveness and insensitivity take a toll.

            If you tell people that you are not planning on trying until November, a few years after the wedding, when DH gets his MBA, etc., you buy yourself time during which the clods do not stare at your stomach, make rude comments about babies, or otherwise make you miserable.

            I know many, many otherwise very truthful women who lie like rugs about their procreative plans. (Power to them; they get a lot of peace.) Given that MIL has no boundaries and no idea how to be sensitive, it’s possible your SIL is one of those women.

    • Anonymous

      Ew. Your SIL is fine. She’s happy and I would assume good intentions and that she is not trying to hurt your feelings. Your MIL is the gross one here.

    • ElisaR

      i’m so sorry. i think that was inconsiderate of her. i know it wasn’t intentional, but i get how you’re feeling. i cried (privately) like a baby when my younger brother announced their news.

      i have no helpful words, just want to say your feelings are not “bad” or unusual.

  13. Anonymous

    I recently learned that the word “fulsome” does not, in fact, mean complete or robust. I was corrected by a client during a board meeting. Whoops. What are some other often-misused words?

    • Vicky Austin

      Comprise. People use it interchangeably with compose and its correct usage is the opposite. The example that I learned this on was: “Language is composed of words; words comprise language.”

      • Anon

        Yes! Thank you. This is the one I hear all the time, where the speaker apparently just thinks comprised is a fancy version of composed, and it drives me nuts.

        • Anon

          You are not wrong. The second definition in Merriam Webster is “compose, constitute.”

          • Anon

            Definition 2 is one of those evolutionary uses, like if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. But I still get to be annoyed about the evolution.

          • Anon

            Fair enough about being annoyed at the evolution!

            I was just letting the poster here know that she’s not wrong. Apparently the word came to be in the 15th century, and a modern English speaker would probably have a very difficult time navigating a conversation with someone from that time period because language changes over time.

      • Anonymous

        It also has a very specific meaning in patent law, so that’s always the first thing I think of. In patents comprising means, including but not limited to. On the other hand, consisting of means including only these specific things.

      • Anonymous

        I think your example is backwards. The whole comprises the parts. It is correct to say ‘a language comprising nouns, verbs and adjectives.’ Comprise means composed of. Comprised of is nonsense though. Or, if this is a newer meaning, it goes back a long way because I’ve read it in 100 yr old court cases and I can’t imagine those are using new and ambiguous terms.

    • Anonymous

      How did you use it? It can mean abundant, which is close to robust.
      Wrongly used “myself” is a pet peeve of mine— people often say it when they should be using “me.”

      • Vicky Austin

        ugh this is a huge one for me. So many people were taught that saying “me” sounds wrong so they avoid using it at all costs.

      • OP

        Something along the lines of, we want to get all the facts so we can prepare a fulsome response.

        • Anon

          I think this is an appropriate use of the word. Merriam Webster has “being full and well developed” as definition 1.c, and it seems like your usage fits that? At any rate, the person who corrected you in front of everyone was incredibly rude and clearly knew what you were trying to say, which is the point of language.

    • Monday

      “Tenant” meaning tenet.

      “One-dimensional” meaning flat, “two-dimensional” meaning real or fleshed out. People are subtracting a dimension.

      “Disengenuine” which isn’t a word, but sort of mashes up a concept from disingenuous and non-genuine.

    • Cat

      That word is used so *very* commonly to mean more thorough that whoever corrected you is just being an a$$.

      • Anon

        I think it’s very hard to correct somebody in public like that without being an @ss.

        • OP

          Yeah I definitely felt a little flustered. It was one time I was happy to be on Zoom instead of in person!

      • Anonymous

        +1 – I always silently correct people’s grammar, but I would never think to say it out loud, except to a family member, and certainly not in a board meeting! Rude! I agree this is very commonly misused.

      • Anonymous

        I have to look up this word every time I see it. I always think it means “amused.”

        • Anon

          It’s because in books it is almost ALWAYS used in a place where I have to assume the author means “amused” because confused makes no sense. I also corrected a co-worker once (in a social setting) who kept using it to mean “playfully amused” and he was rather bemused (as in confused) that that was not the definition!

          • Anon

            Okay, but “confused” isn’t the only definition of this word. I’m going to be labeled “that Merriam-Webster poster,” but that’s okay. It lists another definition as, “having or showing feelings of wry amusement especially from something that is surprising or perplexing.”

            People who use the language are the ones who decide what the language means. It’s always evolving. You clearly understood what your co-worker (or the author of the book or whatever) meant. I am bemused that you think it’s acceptable to “correct” someone’s word usage in public, even if it is in a social setting.

    • Horse Crazy

      Unique. By its definition, something is either unique or not unique – nothing is kind of unique, a little unique, somewhat unique…it either is or isn’t.

      • Anon

        Infamous is appearing more and more, as if the writer thinks it’s a bigger, better kind of famous.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Watching someone try to correct “peek” to “peak” when the word they really mean to use is “pique.” Although I suspect the use of “peak” in this instance is going to become accepted just because of how often I see it happen and how infrequently people recognize that “pique” is a real word that means the exact thing they are trying to convey.

      I am trying to make peace with this sort of linguistic evolution, but you could say I become piqued over it.

  14. aanon

    I live in a small apartment with my husband. Our apartment is about twelve years old and our unit has largely builder fixtures.
    After spending ten months inside, I’d really love a bigger place, but that’s not on the cards for a while. In the meantime I’d like to take some time and money to spruce up the place and replace some of these standard elements with higher quality items.
    I’m thinking things like interior shutters for the windows, refacing the kitchen cupboard doors, new vanity for the bathroom, light fixtures.
    I have no eye for interior design and little patience and trolling through home websites for ideas is not my idea of a good time. I kind of want someone to just say “here are 3 light fixtures that would work here, and you should get oak cupboard doors, and here are three cupboard refinished who won’t rip you off.”
    Is this person a decorator? Interior designer? Somehow in our basic, tiny apartment that seems like overkill. Are there online services that do this? I looked at Havenly, but they’re not available in my country. Who do I call?

    • Veronica Mars

      It’s an interior designer. I’d google local ones in your area that charge by the hour; Some interior designers specialize in more problem solving type services where you pay for a set number of hours (expect $100-$150 an hour) to help you design. Going to a super ritzy interior designer would likely need a budget of 20k+ but problem solving designers are often way more cost effective.

    • Delta Dawn

      Swatchpop! They have an instagram and a website. They charge per “pop” which means per item you need help with– so you can pay for just help with a light fixture, or you can add vanity and cabinet choices; as much or as little as you want. What it cannot do is find you a local refinisher, but I have usually just googled or asked friends for recs on that and then shown them the photos and descriptions that Swatchpop gives me.

  15. Anonymous

    Specific question which may not get responses here but figured I’d ask — does anyone have a legal recruiter that deals with Virginia? DC is fine but I’m thinking more Tyson’s and Richmond. Litigator in government now looking to explore regional firms; I feel like lots of recruiters tend only to focus on DC branch offices of NYC biglaw, which is where I started though not looking to return to it.

  16. Anon

    How do you emotionally deal with a late 60-something parent who has been slowly losing her marbles over the course of decades (when dementia runs in her family)? My mom has been gradually changing her morals, values, and behavior, as well as her attitude toward me (is very resentful and speaks poorly about me to others). She also doesn’t make much sense when she talks (completely illogical/”out there”…) and believes every right wing conspiracy going and can’t even articulate them clearly. Some friends that may not know what is going on or can’t handle it have pulled away, and she’s started to beg my dad to drive an hour to the casino several times a week where they hang out until the early hours of the morning for their “social life” (prior to the pandemic, they would come home at 3:30 am). Gambling was something my mom never cared about, but she’s taken to it in recent years like her mother did when she got Alzheimer’s. At the casino, my mom tries desperately to befriend waitstaff as well as a 90-something year old who is also often there (probably the only one willing to talk to them). She offers my dad to help them around the house, and even made reservations at a high end restaurant for a Christmas dinner w/the 90-something…She’s trying to make these people her new family(of sorts) and is pulling away from her real family. It’s so sad and pathetic and I feel so alone, being an only child. My mom used to be more intelligent and sophisticated, and now she’s so desperately trying to compete w/peers who have dinner w/friends and go out by hanging out at a casino and trying to latch onto the staff and the most elderly people…When she didn’t even want to celebrate my birthday earlier this year…

    I know this doesn’t make much sense, either. I’m very emotional/hurt right now…I’m also hurt that they haven’t done any sort of financial planning and I know I won’t be able to help w/mom’s care. Everything they built is going to be taken by the state when she has to go into a nursing home…I guess that is none of my business, but I am an only child, single, and it’s sad they would just give up the family home my father built himself…just so they can pretend none of this is really happening…I guess there is nothing I can do, but I’m just sad…

    • Anon

      +1 to finding a support group. These are not rational decisions your parents are making… but it sounds like your mom is past a point where she is able to think rationally. My grandmother did something similar when she had Alzheimer’s– she would befriend the cashier at Starbucks and people like that. She cut off ties with her friends she’d had her whole life, etc. This wasn’t “desperation.” It was very much her looking to establish a routine. We think she also didn’t want her close friends to see her the way she was, and by “befriending” Starbucks cashiers, she could have acquaintances that she was able to have light, social interactions with that she was still able to handle mentally/cognitively. In other words, she created this world for herself that she could exist in where it was not a big deal if she was having cognitive difficulties.

      Also went through something similar with my FIL. I recommend reading “The 36 Hour Day” and finding a support group. Both of these have been very helpful for my family.

      • Anonymous

        This. She is reducing contact with you because she knows she had dementia. She can hid it better with the casino waitress. She doesn’t want to deal with reality which is not uncommon in dementia patients.

        • Anon

          You are right. She has anger built up against me because over the years, I have questioned things she had said and done that didn’t make sense. She had said I was “disrespectful” or “always picking on her” when I was just concerned, embarrassed, and wondering if she was aware. It is one thing when a parent does this in their 70s/80s, but in their 50s and 60s it is alarming. I just never know how to handle it.

      • Anon

        You’ve provided some good insights here. I so want to believe that I am imagining this, but you are right in that she is trying to create a world where it isn’t as noticeable that she’s having cognitive difficulties. I now remember her saying to me a few months ago that she has to watch what she says around a certain couple, because they won’t just laugh at everything she says like another couple does…

        I feed odd, because on one hand, my parents play it like they are in denial or I’m crazy for saying all of this is happening. But on the other hand, there are subtle signs that they are telling me I should really know what is going on, but we aren’t going to talk about it…

    • Anon

      If you think your mother has dementia, you need to talk to your father about getting her care or help her book an appointment yourself. Dementia is an illness. You are allowed to feel emotional and upset, but it may help to remember that it’s not something your mother can control. My mother has Alzheimer’s and that’s what helped me get through the most difficult/frustrating exchanges. Also, +1 on the support group for emotional, practical, and financial advice.

      • Anon

        I know it is an illness and I went through it w/my grandmother when she was my mom’s age. Her husband would tell me not to correct her like my dad tells me not to correct my mom when she sounds/acts crazy. Not making sense, ranting about politics, hating Hillary. Same stuff all over again…

        I have confronted my dad about this, but he gets very angry. He knows my mom would freak out if he suggested they do some planning. Though, my mom announced yesterday that she plans to quit her secretarial job soon…so I guess she knows something.

        The thing is, my mom is still very functional…But it is obvious when you spend a little time with her that all cylinders are not firing. Some people may just think she’s quirky and I’m being ridiculous for saying something wrong. Even my mom has started to say, “Oh, everyone knows I’m like this. I’m unique.”…or whatever. Like here’s quirky me…I’m so quirky! Because I know what dementia looks like before a person is almost totally gone, I know what I am seeing. I don’t even know if there are support groups for people who are experiencing the stage I am experiencing now. They are experiencing the more advanced stages…That’s another reason why this is isolating…Most people don’t even realize what is happening to their loved on at this stage…if they have not seen it play out before…

    • Anon

      Also…Since my mom is still kind of functional from afar, I feel like I have to tell her when she doesn’t make sense. I feel like she should make a bigger effort to keep the issues under wraps. To think more before she speaks…But she gets so upset. I just hate having to sit and listen to her spew a bunch of literal incoherent nonsense. Like, “Hillary just wants to be President again so she can go to parties with Beyonce!” She tells everyone this, and it is so embarrassing. Ugh, life is cruel…It’s so hard to keep my mouth shut, but I don’t want to miss out on the last years she may know who I am…

      • Anonymous

        Huh? Do you want her to keep it under wraps? She needs medical treatment.

        • Anon

          You don’t understand. There is no medical treatment. Just nursing home care when the person gets to the point where they are screaming/paranoid/violent/ready to throw their own feces. Sorry to be graphic, but that’s unfortunately how it is.

          Some people who have this are conscientious about it and do work around it to hide it while they can, but my mom has never made the effort.

          • Anonymous

            You need to get your mom to a doctor for a proper diagnosis and under a doctors care. There is no cure but there are medications that can assist with this syndrome. You also need to stop judging her against normal and being embarrassed by what she says.

    • Anonymous

      I just wanted to say how sorry I am that you’re having to deal with this. It’s not the same, but my father had a terminal lung disease that deprived him from getting enough oxygen. So at least there was no outright ignoring that he was ill. But his personality changed pretty radically–and the most upsetting was that he became fixated on race and crime. It was horrifying to have conversations with him, especially if anyone else was around. Growing up, I never heard him express racist views. Initially, I didn’t understand what was happening. I would challenge him and argue. And then I realized it was almost like a conversational tic. I choose to remember the man I grew up with. As his disease progressed, he lost touch with a lot. One of the saddest but also fondest memories I have is just before he passed. He didn’t realize who I was and thought I was just one of the stream of hospice workers. He asked me if I had any kids (I don’t). And he told me that it was a shame, because kids have brought him the biggest joy in his life and that he would hope for me. Anyway, in the moments when you wonder who this raving person is, try to remember this isn’t a normal brain. Your dad is likely in denial and choosing to be while he still can. Hopefully you can maybe pull him aside at a time when things are calmer and express your concerns. Say you’re there for him if and when he ever wants to talk about it. And then work though the emotional part with others who are or have been in the same boat. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and so sorry for your mom.

  17. joan wilder

    Looking for some suggestions for my year end charitable giving. In addition to my usual recipients, I’ve set aside more money and want to target it to organizations working on hunger and those in the arts, who are facing long term financial viability issues now. Any suggestions? Also, for huger charities, would I make more impact donating to a national organization, like Feeding America, or local food banks for areas where I have personal connections?

    • NY CPA

      I figure my small dollars are better served putting food into hungry people’s mouths than to some nebulous hunger “charity”. For that reason, in NYC, I am a big fan of God’s Love We Deliver (non-sectarian, despite the name) and St Francis Breadline (run by my church, has been feeding the homeless and food insecure every morning 365 days a year for 90 years+).

    • Anonymous

      We donate to two local food banks and have a small scholarship set up for a college program nearby.

      I would also encourage you to donate blood or plasma if you are able. Supplies are way down this year due to the pandemic and you can really make a difference by donating.

    • Anon

      Local food banks are doing SO much right now. I believe Feeding America only has 200 partner food banks? (Maybe those have subsidiaries?) I’m sure there are 10s of thousands of food banks across the country that could desperately use your donation.

      • Anonymous

        Feeding America supports massive regional food banks. Those regional food banks then support local, grassroots hunger alleviating non-profits, usually dozens or a couple hundred (in more rural regions) or many hundreds (in regions with metro areas) of such programs. So while the direct affiliation is with about 200 food banks, Feeding American is actually supporting many thousands of local programs. They coordinate major corporate donations of products (think Proctor and Gamble) who then distribute their donations to regional hub food banks who then coordinate the distribution out to the local organizations. It is a misunderstanding to think they have a limited footprint.

    • anon a mouse

      Local food banks need so much right now. I just read an article about how shoplifting for basic needs like food and diapers is way up as people are struggling to meet basic needs. It’s so sad. (Putting in a plug for donating to your local diaper bank, too.)

    • Anon

      +100 local food banks. THey’re doing amazing work right now.

      If you’re in Philly I recommend Philabundance or Share. If you’re in DC, I recommend Charlie’s Place out of St. Margaret’s church in Dupont. I’ve worked with all 3 in the past in a mix of personal and professional settings and cannot say enough good things about them all.

    • anan

      Thank you for thinking of those in the arts. I work in the performing arts and things are definitely hard right now. Sometimes it is hard for even me to justify arts spending when so may other people don’t have basic needs being met, so I do appreciate you deciding it is a worthwhile cause.
      Most unions have a relief fund that you can donate to. The ones I mostly work with are: AFM is for Musicians, AGMA is for classical singers and dancers, Equity for actors. (Also these unions cover stage managers and sometimes directors and choreographers). You can google the union + Relief Fund to explore some options.

  18. Favorite items

    I’ve been seeing lists of people’s favorite things/items/purchases and this community always has great ideas so I thought I’d ask – what are you favorite things, items that bring a little luxury during a challenging time, make your life easier, or a discovery that others would love too? A heated blanket with a foot pocket and a cell phone stand next to my computer that can also facilitate family FaceTime calls are two of my favorite purchases of 2020.

    • Anonymous

      This is so boring, but a cordless vac that we need in the kitchen. It makes it so easy to clean crumbs up after meals.

    • Anonymous

      These are my personal favorite threads on this board so I hope others comment! Cozy items from Costco are high on the list for me, specifically the Max and Mia cardigan that is this year’s The Cardigan here. I also love the Sherpa half zip they currently have, and have had to stop myself from ordering a second one on a daily basis. I also have several of their Sherpa throws. Candles have been putting me in a great mood lately, and there are lots of sales now. I specifically recommend the Nest Holiday candle, get the 3-wick if it’s in your budget. Honorable mentions for Nest Birchwood Pine, and Nest Hearth (in that order). Also a candle snuffer and wick trimmer. Plants, any and all plants. You can never have too many plants. The Fireplace option on Netflix for background ambiance. Seconding the cordless vacuum, if my dyson broke I’d replace it in a heartbeat. Good tea, I like the Winter Wake Up blend from Trader Joe’s. A new pair of fuzzy socks.

    • Anon

      A Le Creuset braiser, which I suppose is luxury but also makes my life easier. I use it for almost every single meal I cook. Also a Roomba. It is so, so nice to not be constantly sweeping.

    • Anonymous

      My two best purchases this year were a cordless dyson and a collapsible wagon. We have a dog and a cat and the vacuum helps so much with the pet hair and is so quick to use. As for the wagon, we did a lot of trips this summer to the river since there was nothing else to do haha, and the wagon made it so easy to take our chairs, food, shade structure, etc.

  19. Kelsey

    Has anyone purchased jewelry from an online store called Tini Luxe? They sell earrings for people with super sensitive ears? I have developed a metal allergy or sensitivity that causes all earrings – even ones that are labeled hypoallergenic- to cause my ears to get red and itchy within an hour. I’d like to try Tini Luxe but have never heard of this merchant before.

    • emeralds

      No but OMG, please report back–I have some weird metal sensitivities that I’ve never been able to definitively diagnose, and I had no idea hypoallergenic jewelry was a thing. And their stuff is cute!

    • anonchicago

      I’ve never heard of this and now I’m intrigued. I have sensitive ears and now only buy white gold, platinum, or sterling silver posts. I have few earrings that I can wear all day without itchiness.

    • Friday

      Their designs are cute but I’m not sure I could wear titanium. I just started wearing 14k gold earrings because gold is truly hypoallergenic (you might have to wear 24k if you’re super sensitive). I like Mejuri and Gorjana for their price points, but I’m sure department stores also have options. But if you decide to go for it, please do report back on how you like them!

      • Kelsey

        Does the 24 k gold extend to the entire post, too? Can you link or name the 24k earrings that have worked for you? I would prefer to buy real gold over gold painted on top of titanium if they are at the same price points.

        • Anon

          I would think 24K gold is too soft for posts as it is for most if not all other jewelry

      • Anon

        Titanium is the standard in non-reactive metal, that’s why it’s used to make implants.

  20. Anonymous

    Anyone working in finance aware of any sites or studies on industry compensation? I’ve been asking around my network to get a sense, but looking to arm myself with as much data as possible ahead of a negotiation and wondering if there are any industry resources I am missing.

  21. Unsolicited Job Inquiry

    I’ve been approached about a job. I am not otherwise currently looking. I talked to the recruiter and it could be a fantastic fit. I know of the company, a client of my current firm’s, and know they’re wonderful. The one thing I really dislike about my current job I will not have to do at new job. I’m not in law, but it would be similar to moving from firm life where you have to grow a book of business (the part that I really strongly dislike) to moving in house.

    I don’t know comp being offered yet but it would 100% be a cut. It’s hard to communicate what my expectations are given that I’m currently 100% commission. I made $150k in my first year, peaked at $600k, took a hit this year because of, well, everything … I’m all over the map. I think average for my current job, for someone doing a good job in the eyes of the company, you’re bringing about $400k annually. Current job is such funny money that wouldn’t be replicated at any new, in house job, nor would I expect it to be.

    I’m good at my current job, though not that great at originating business. There is increasing emphasis on originating with each passing year (I’m in my 7th). It’s insanely stressful but I also thrive off of that in some weird, masochistic ways. The dangling carrot of potentially making $400k on average for the rest of my career is clearly very compelling, too. I just don’t know how to start figuring out if I should move in house to what feels like a very safe job, but it’s also a very normal and very good job at this new company. I don’t know where to even begin processing this.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t see a downside to applying. Even if you are perfect for the job, you’re not guaranteed a job offer, and even if you were, you’re not obliged to take it.

    • Anonymous

      Well, $400k is a lot of money. Do you need it to support your lifestyle? DH and I used to make $200k each and would laugh at how quickly money piled up. I was laid off and then took a new role and then got pregnant, went part time, etc. Our HHI has been $300-340k for the past few years with me only working 20 hours/week and let me tell you, we literally do not notice the difference in income. We live in a nice house in a nice town and DH’s job, while ful time, does not require him to work very hard. In pre-covid times we got to spend a really good amount of time with our 3 young kids. Rarely if ever worked weekends.

      All that to say–maybe live on $200k (or whatever this new role would pay) for a while. Or look at what that budget looks like. Is it how you want to live?

  22. Friday

    Inspired by the engagement ring upgrade post above. Do you think of your wedding set as daily jewelry or only for when you’re not at work/special occasions? Explain, if you feel like it.

    • Senior Attorney

      I wear my wedding band 24/7. It’s too wide to wear on the same finger as my engagement ring, so I wear my engagement ring on the other hand and only when I’m reasonably dressed up, including daily at work.

    • Hollis

      I wear them as a daily set and take them off only when sleeping and showering. Occasionally I think it looks a little flashy to wear them when I’m otherwise not flashy and not generally a dressy person, but I DGAF since I love them and it’s basically the only expensive jewelry that I own and I wear them daily while working from home too since it’s become a 15 year habit. My closest girlfriends also wear their band and engagement ring daily.

    • Anon

      Daily. I love them and they’re just really beautiful. (Art deco style made by a local, independent jeweler.)

    • Anon

      I can’t wear jewelry at work for safety. Not looking to get my hand torn off in a piece of machinery.

    • pugsnbourbon

      I wear my engagement ring+band every day. I take it off for workouts, yardwork, and sleeping.
      It’s a sapphire with two small diamonds on each side, white gold, from Blue Nile. Band is thin and curved to fit around the stones.
      I wear it because I like it, and it’s pretty.

    • daily

      I wore mine daily when I went into the office, but I don’t really wear any jewelry at home. I don’t wear it to the gym, doing outdoor activities, or active hobbies. Basically, I take it off at put it in its place as soon as I get home. But (in before times, sigh) date nights, parties, office, coffee, I wear it.

    • Bonnie Kate

      Daily. I really like them. I only take off when I’m showering, sleeping, and working out.

      I also wear a set of three stacking rings on my right pointer finger and a thick band ring on my right middle finger. Same schedule as wedding set.

    • Anonymous

      I am clearly in the minority. My ring set is in the lock box at the bank. I rarely wear them. I am not a jewelry person and given the value of them, I would be constantly worried while wearing them.

    • Not That Anne, the Other Anne

      I wear my wedding band every day. I wear my engagement ring only occasionally.

      I’m the only woman I know who doesn’t wear both rings without having a medical reason for doing so. My mom doesn’t wear hers because she literally can’t — it’s too small for her arthritic hands and can’t be expanded due to the design.

      If questioned about the lack of engagement ring (which has happened a few times), I shrug and say I’m wearing the important one.

    • LaurenB

      Daily; I have an oval diamond solitaire in a plain setting and a plain gold band that fits it. I wear it everyday (sleep in it as well) and rarely take it off. I believe it’s 1.10 carat, so it’s a nice size but it’s not OMG-size.

    • Cat

      Daily. I love them! But I don’t have any “out of touch” worries about wearing my 2-ct diamond in my office environment (normal times).

    • Anon

      I have a nontraditional wedding band, which I adore, and never had an engagement ring. However, I am not a jewelry person, and have never owned or worn a ring before my wedding band. I find that I am inbetween ring sizes, which I can correct somewhat with those ring huggee things, but it’s not perfect and the fit changes with the seasons. So, I only wear mine when I am dressed up. Sadly, this means I have worn it one or two times in 2020.

    • Anon

      I have one ring that I guess doubles as my engagement ring and wedding band. It’s an heirloom, filigree-style ring in a large setting. I wear it every day. It’s gorgeous and I love it.

    • anon

      Daily. I take them off for sleeping and showering, and that’s about it. I don’t wear much jewelry in general, but I looooove my wedding set so much.

    • anon

      Daily! I love my engagement ring and wedding band. I take them off when I’m sleeping/showering/working out but otherwise wear them. This year since I’m in sweatpants/pajamas almost all the time I don’t wear as often but any time I’m dressed I’m wearing them. When I was pregnant and swollen, I wore them on a necklace. I feel strange not having them on

    • Anon

      For me, rings are special occasion jewelry, period. I’ve seen too many injuries due to rings getting caught to chance it in any but the most low-risk events like a dinner party (where I’m a guest, not cooking or serving).

    • anon

      I don’t have an engagement ring, just the wedding band. I only where it when I’m going to be dressed and out (not including errands, gym, etc). So i actually haven’t worn it since March. I don’t wear it to sleep, shower, or around the house. The ring is relatively thin, but I still notice it’s there

  23. Anon

    had a call earlier this week with my boss who said ‘that since most of us have had covid, we can just gather (her group of 30 people) without worrying for Christmas” — i’m very glad that none of you got super sick or have had long-term effects from having covid and hopefully you didn’t infect too many others in the process…

    • Anon

      WTAF? Are you in healthcare? Where are you located that “most” of you “have had covid”?

      • OP

        nope. i work in an office setting where we are all working remotely. they had a family wedding at a family member’s home with 30-40 people and no social distancing measures, and many of them got covid after that. i know this isn’t how it works and i don’t wish harm on anyone, but it sort of feels unfair that this whole group behaved irresponsibly, got mild cases of covid with no longterm symptoms (and doesn’t seem to care if they infected anyone else in the process) and now gets to gather for the holidays while my family all lives flying distance away and we haven’t seen them and then there are others who’ve been behaving extremely responsibly but have been unlucky gotten really bad cases of covid. it also just rubs me the wrong way to talk about it so flippantly.

    • anon

      Wtf. The antibodies don’t last forever, from what I’ve heard. But beside that, how freaking tone-deaf.

    • Anonymous

      I work with someone who had it twice (both times hospitalized). This is a flawed assumption.

  24. H13

    Can anyone recommend a digital picture frame that uses an email address to upload new photos? Looking for something I can send and is foolproof since I won’t be there to set it up.

  25. Anonymous

    Ugh, just got a letter saying that my recent mammogram “shows the need for further evaluation.” Absolutely no other information was provided. Why do doctors do this? It could not be more vague and therefore anxiety-producing.

    • Anonymous

      I get one of these every year after every mammogram, and so far, luckily, it has never been anything. The letter is frustratingly vague but I now just expect the letter.

    • Cat

      my mom has warned me to expect these when the time comes- apparently dense breast tissue runs in our family.

    • Anon

      Probably dense breast tissue made the initial mammogram hard to read. This is frustrating; I’m sorry it happened to you. It happened to me recently. When I made the follow up appt. they told me I needed to expect to be there an hour because they would likely have to do a sonogram, which they did. In the end it was no abnormality. Wishing you luck.

    • fdsa

      I’ve had this letter. First I got a supersensitive mammogram. When that still looked odd I had a needle biopsy. The biopsy was negative but I have to go back after 6 months. I don’t know how old you are, but some groups (the American Cancer Society?) recommends mammograms start at age 45 not 40, because younger women have a very high rate of being called back for more invasive testing and a low rate of breast cancer. This has been my experience so far; I’m 42.

      • fdsa

        My mammograms saw a small region of calcification – which can hide or precursor a tumor or… not.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks all. I do have dense breast tissue, but I just wish the letter contained actual information. Was there a suspicious finding? Was there poor visualization that needs to be repeated? Is it solely because of the dense breast tissue? Literally ANYTHING to go on would be helpful. The letter says to call the radiology department to schedule a follow-up, but doesn’t even say if it’s another mammogram or an ultrasound.

    • Anonymous

      Don’t freak. It just means they did not for some reason get a good image. I had a tech once who rushed prep for my images and they had to be redone.

  26. Anon

    I’m a law clerk and the judge I work for is retiring at the end of the year (I start with a new judge in January). Should I do something for their retirement? I know some prior clerks are putting together a virtual reunion but I wasn’t sure if I needed to get a gift/card/etc.

    • Senior Attorney

      No gift, but I think a card with a note talking about what you learned from them/gained from the experience would be appreciated.

    • Quail

      I’d ask around to see if there’s a court tradition, like contributing to a portrait. You could also get a small, personal gift depending on your relationship – I gave my judge a book when my term clerkship ended, for example, as that’s something I knew the judge would like, and farewell gifts were a tradition in chambers. And a card with a heartfelt thank you letter is always nice.

    • Anonymous

      When the judge I clerk for retired, my co-clerk and I did do something for our judge. We asked the court if he could keep one of his robes and after we got yes, we spent hours adding bling to it for when he “holds court” at home with his dogs. It was super fun and he often emails me photos of him in the ridiculous lookin robe. You know your judge best. I would only do something personal. (And on a related note, he got gifts for me and my co-clerk for his retirement — so don’t be surprised if that happens).

    • Anon

      When the judge I clerked for retired, myself and a couple of prior clerks got her a spa package at a local spa (she is into that kind of stuff) – which is probably out now, but I think it’s nice to do something to recognize them.

  27. Anonymous

    Anyone have any good links for a virtual trivia game that can be played on Microsoft Teams? I really don’t want to have to make up my own on PowerPoint but it’s looking like that is what I will have to do.

    • Coach Laura

      There are tons, plus an app called Trivia. Just google Microsoft Teams virtual trivia.

  28. Anon

    Thought it might be interesting and insightful to do a confession thread. Specifically, if you want, what habits and lifestyle choices do you have that have the greatest negative impact on others/society/the world, with the smallest benefit to yourself?

    I’ll start:

    – I mindlessly use a lot of single use plastic, like those floss picks, K-cups, surgical masks, plastic bags
    – The vast majority of my consumption is at the worst companies, a lot of Amazon
    – Said consumption is way excessive produces an insane amount of trash
    – I curate my social media image in a way that likely makes others feel bad/jealous
    – my family has taken a pretty extreme isolationist approach to the pandemic (like, total lockdown since early March, haven’t even been to a grocery store or seen family…) (not really my choice, but I’ve chosen not to push back) which, in my view may be negatively impacting our families and local economy more than it is benefiting me

    There are lots of other bad habits and choices I have, but either they greatly benefit me or don’t really negatively impact others.

      • OP

        Certainly not trying to guilt trip anyone! Just thought it was an interesting thought experiment, things I’d personally like to become more mindful of and reduce in 2021. Really hadn’t thought about it until I was actually typing out the post. Please feel free to scroll by if this makes you feel bad, not my intention.

        • anonshmanon

          it surely enables my bad habit, which is judging other people for their choices! This thread cannot end well…

        • Anon

          Agree. Women do this to themselves mentally and emotionally all the time; they also do it to other women as microaggressions. We don’t need to do this here. I would love to see a thread where people celebrate something they love about themselves. Or, maybe, talk about a small change they’ve made they are proud of.

    • Anonymous

      I always think it’s hilarious when other ppl think their social media makes other ppl jealous #noonecaresthatmuch

    • Anon

      Not the purpose of this thread but I have a Krieg too and just get compostable coffee. SF Bay Company has lot of options.

      • Anon

        Is there any benefit to compostable products like this if you yourself can’t really compost? (trust me on this, I would REALLY like to)

        • Anon

          We have are able to put it in the green bin so it doesn’t go into the trash but it is better even if you put it in trash because it will breakdown over time. Our local waste management also does compost giveaways so every resident gets 2 bags a year.

          SF Bay company is working on a product that can be composted at home.

          I think oil companies have been able to stay around because they found ways to use and make money from all the biproducts so in a small way not buying the byproducts reduces how profitable they can be. I know this isn’t really that big part of the petroleum ecosystem but it’s easy enough for me to remove myself from it so why not.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t understand this at all. If this stuff makes you feel guilty enough that it’s a “confession”, then why do you do it? Most of these seem easy habits to stop if one wanted to. If you don’t actually care about stopping them, then how is it a confession?

      • Anonymous

        Maybe it’s a humble brag … I do what I want & think people are jealous of me … it’s more important to indulge my whims even though indulging in them hurts others …

        • Anon

          This makes it sound like you are goading people to post things about themselves so you can get emotional satisfaction out of judging those statements. Is that your intention?

  29. Anon

    Anyone have any insight into in-house salaries in the DC area? Contemplating a move there if I can find a job, but I don’t know what to expect in terms of compensation. Fwiw, I’ve been practicing for 10 years

    • Anon4this

      When I was looking with 8 years experience I was seeing base salaries that ranged from around $150k-$250k for positions requiring 7-10 years of experience. Most gave you access to a bonus pool and stock options as well. $170k-200k base with 20% bonus was pretty typical for Fortune 100 companies

  30. Anon

    Canadain ladies, how is covid measures compliance in your area, and what area/or just province is it? I am curious to compare experiences. Also, do you think people will violate the rules more over the holidays?

    I’ll start – I am in Quebec in the suburbs of a big city (ha, we only have one – OK I am near Montreal) and everyone around my neighbourhood seems super compliant overall – people wear masks everywhere, don’t do house parties and only meet outdoors at a distance, small bubbles, kids see each other only in school masked or outdoors distanced.

    OTH, I have heard a lot about younger people partying in illegal gatherings, but never a direct report. Also heard people are renting chalets in the country to go around the prohibition of gatherings during the holidays which doesn’t bode well for January numbers I guess…

    • Anonymous

      East Coast – no community spread but mandatory masks for everyone since September. Very high compliance – only saw two people use a face shield and can’t think of seeing anyone without a mask indoors. No community spread so kids are still doing extra-circulars like skating lessons etc in addition to school but masked. Only older kids have to mask at school.

      I think people will comply because (1) we are proud of complying and keeping it low, and (2) no one wants to be the cause of a cluster or the start of community spread which messes things up for everyone (3) they are pushing the 20 close contacts max for 2020 very hard – my colleague got uninvited from the family potluck because it would have been 22 people.

      We know we are rural and super F’d if it gets into the smaller towns due to lack of ICU and older/sicker populations.

    • Anonymous

      In Ottawa things are great cases are reasonably low and since it’s a government city almost everyone I know has been 100% wfh since March. My particular department will likely keep staff home for over a year when all is said and done.

    • A

      Not sure if you’re still reading but I live in an western suburb of Toronto, commutable by GO train, and everyone seems compliant here too. I normally work in Toronto and have been working at home since March 14th. Rumour in the office is that we will be home until late 2021, Toronto Covid numbers are increasing everyday. I expect us to go into lockdown next as we bump up to Peel region and you can’t really stop people from traveling into the next region without some kind of ID check at every public building/ mall / restaurant etc.

      I see a small group of people a couple times a week to run outside and no one in any of our contacts (zoom, work colleagues, family over FaceTime) is going anywhere but takeout so I have no idea why our numbers are going up.

      I’m of course, worried and sad about the impact and sickness but so glad to be working from home, I hope we never go back

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