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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 477 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Flounce Hem Piqué Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Rebecca Taylor Flounce Hem Piqué Dress Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Rebecca Taylor has always been a source of feminine but professional workwear, and this dress is a great example of that. I love that it has a really high neckline but with interesting ladder-stitch insets, and I think the little flounce hem is very flattering, as are all of the seaming details and darts throughout the dress. And hooray, it does not have an exposed zipper! The dress is $395 at Nordstrom and is available in sizes 0-10. Flounce Hem Piqué Dress Here's a plus-size option and a lower-priced alternative. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    What do I do if my senior coworker always CCs our supervisor whenever she e-mails me about a mistake I made? I have a feeling that the two of them, both women, are very close?

    • Anon

      You don’t do anything about it. This is your senior coworker covering her @ss and also making sure that the boss knows what is going on (so she doesn’t hear about it elsewhere). The fact that they are 1) both women and 2) close, is irrelevant in this situation.

    • Opal

      You stop making mistakes. That’s the only thing that is in your control in this situation.

    • anon

      Stop taking it personally. Supervisor may have asked senior coworker to do this. Or coworker is just covering herself. If you’re really concerned about it, you could ask coworker directly, but I’m not sure I can imagine a situation where that conversation is productive.

  2. ANP

    Hello ‘rettes. I’m in a funk and need help extracting myself.

    First: as a liberal who lives in a swing state surrounded by conservative relatives (including my own husband), I’m still reeling from the election results.

    Second: I have a strained relationship with my extended family, but my younger sister (who’s had a rough year in her own right) asked to do Thanksgiving altogether. My husband, who rarely feels strongly about anything, wants us to host so it’s easier on our kids — even though he’s out of town this week Thursday through Monday, so I’ll have to shop/prep solo with three little kids in tow.

    Third: my Thanksgiving table will include at least two, and possibly four, Trump voters, assorted Democrats, and my Muslim sister. Although I’m pretty sure everyone will behave, the whole thing makes me sick to my stomach.

    So…help. Typically I love putting on big holiday meals, but I’m emotionally exhausted by this situation, I don’t want to cook this stupid dinner, I don’t want to host and put a fake smile on my face (double whammy: I hate hanging around my own family and I can’t handle being around my Trump-supporting, but otherwise delightful, in-laws right now). Is wine my only recourse?

    • Cb

      Oh gosh, that sounds rough. Can you outsource some of it? Whole Foods prepped meals? Can he do the menu planning and order online?

    • LSC

      Yes–I feel similarly so I ordered our entire meal to avoid cooking. I feel like I have set myself free!

      • Sydney Bristow

        This is what we do. We order the meal from Fresh Direct. My husband technically has to cook it by heating it up in the oven, but it’s totally streamlined.

        Wine, parade, and football are all great ideas. We usually decorate for Christmas the next day, but doing a bit of it after the meal to give people something to focus on is a good idea too.

      • Lilly

        I bought the whole thing from Fresh Market one year. If they have a store near you I highly recommend their meal. One of my coworkers and I have bought thanksgiving several times (thanks Judge —-, who loves to schedule trials for the female attorneys on Thanksgiving week). I’ve done Fresh Market and Costco, coworker has done those and Whole Foods, and it’s Fresh Market for the win.

    • Bonnie

      If your extended family is local, can you ask them to bring sides? It’s fairly common to have the hosting person make the turkey and have others contribute the sides.

    • The answer to everything

      . . . is wine.

      I think politics-wise you have such a mixed group people should know how to shut up, but it might not hurt to remind everyone “no politics!” before the event.

      Are people traveling far or could you do it “potluck” asking people to bring potatoes, appetizers, desserts etc?

      • Nancy Raygun

        My family does this every year. The host assigns things to bring (or collects money to buy certain things) and makes the turkey. Usually someone volunteers to come early and help set up or stay late to clean up so the host doesn’t hate everyone in the family.

      • JayJay

        I agree completely with this. Perhaps use wine and a “no politics!” reminder as a way to remind yourself that your in-laws are otherwise delightful people and people are complicated and more than the sum of their votes? And either potluck it or order food. Many grocery stores around us have prepared meals you can order, or just do whatever you want. The point of Thanksgiving is being grateful for family and what we have, all the rest is (literally) gravy.

        • Nancy Raygun

          This reminds me of the year my family was being really bitchy (and ungrateful) during Thanksgiving and whenever someone started complaining, my mom would say extremely loudly “well, I’m just really thankful for these green beans right here. These are amazing. Have you tried these?” Completely drowning out the conversation. She repeated it several time with different things . (“Man, this water is so fresh. I am so grateful for this tap water.”) If you’re not afraid of people thinking you’re crazy, you should try this.

          • Puppies

            Whenever politics gets brought up at our house, my sister chimes in with “so, who likes puppies!” At least in our group it effectively communicates that you don’t want to listen to political rants without being confrontational.

    • Nancy Raygun

      Make sure he knows that even though it would be “easier on the kids,” hosting would be harder on you. I assume your younger sister is not in the same town as you? I would offer to host under the following conditions: Husband contributes to making dinner easier (orders food, throws some money in, invites people etc); other family members (maybe sister) bring things or come early to help set up/watch the kids/clean up after; outsource at least some of the cooking (order pre-made food, have groceries delivered, ask people to bring things). Please remember that everyone getting along isn’t your responsibility. I know how it feels to want things to go well, but it’s not under your control and even though it feels like it, family fighting doesn’t have to involve you.

    • Anonymous

      One thing that has been a reliable distraction for my mixed-politics family every year at Thanksgiving is putting on football.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t follow.. is your sister asking to host? If she’s had a rough year and she’s asking to do this.. maybe it’s important to her? If you are hosting, in addition to the game/parade, you might line up some other things to do, such as decorating an xmas tree, or games like Taboo, poker, Pictionary, etc. You might also want to tell your family and your husband tells his family to avoid talking politics in advance of Thanksgiving.

      • Anonymous

        Yes! My family never lets me host anything and then they do nothing but complain about the work. Let your sister have a turn.

      • ANP

        No — sister wants me to host b/c she hates cooking. Basically she wants me to create a Beaver Cleaver holiday out of our decidedly un-Beaver-Cleaver-ish family.

        • banana slug

          What is she offering to do to help in exchange for this taxing favor?

    • Anonymous

      Go to your sister’s. Or tell your husband that if he wants to make it easier on the kids, then he’d better be doing the work. If you really want to host it instead, start prepping Tuesday when he returns instead of this weekend.

    • TK

      Are you near a Costco? They do an entire ‘Thanksgiving Dinner in a box’ with a turkey and a bunch of sides. Whole thing goes into the freezer until its time to cook it. Take a sick day / long lunch to make the Costco run. We did that last year and it was fine.

    • emeralds

      I don’t have any great suggestions (other than to lean on my Thanksgiving BFFs Wine and Shots. Shots. Shots.), but I want to say that I’ll be right there with you, struggling to hold myself together while dealing with Trump-supporting relatives. I’ve posted several times about my Trumpist father; I’ve mostly enforced a ban on talking politics with him for years, but I’m afraid it’s gone past the point where we can agree to disagree: it turns out that we have fundamental differences in the value and dignity that we assign human lives, which is hard to get past. I have no idea what the future holds for our relationship, but I’m the only liberal voice in his alt-right echo chamber at this point so I feel a certain moral obligation to keep up the fight.

    • Anonymous

      I would tell husband and sister they can host their own Thanksgiving elsewhere.

    • Betsy

      The thing I am reflecting upon a lot after this election is the need for peoples from both parties to get out of their bubbles and see people who come from other perspectives and backgrounds. From that viewpoint, your family Thanksgiving sounds like exactly what the country needs more of right now. You know the individual players – are your Trump supporting in-laws likely to sit at the table across from your Muslim sister and proclaim all Muslims are terrorists and should be deported? Is your sister likely to declare that all Trump supporters are KKK supporters? If there are any loose cannons involved, it might be a good idea to talk to them ahead of time and ask them to be on their most respectful behavior. But if they’re all basically decent human beings maybe try to think of this as a small act to help bring people together.

      As far as the stress of actually preparing the meal, try to adjust your expectations. It doesn’t have to be the best meal everyone has ever eaten. Don’t be afraid to delegate specific items to guests or serve premade sides to get through the hosting part with your sanity intact. Do a quick grocery run for the things you actually need to have available to start prepping over the weekend, and wait until your husband comes home and one of you can go to the store alone to do the rest. You got this!

      • Anonymous

        I hate this attitude. There should be no responsibility upon rational people to try to understand poor little Trump supporters’ perspectives. They don’t deserve sympathy or understanding.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah. These are people for whom outright, blatant racism, homophobia and misogyny were not dealbreakers. That stretches the category of “basically decent human beings” beyond where I’m willing to go.

        • Anonattorney

          +1. I have tried to have these conversations, both before and after the election. The conversations are pointless. It’s funny how the racist/sexist people are the most offended by any implication that they have either overt or socialized biases. Anyway, I’m done.

          • SD

            I’m a democrat, a liberal, a giant Hillary fan. I recently tried to have a reasonable conversation with a super outspoken liberal about how he actually said something that kind of offended me as a woman, and would he please reconsider saying such things in the future because some women feel demeaned by them? He freaked out and went into defensive mode as much as any Trump supporter. Apparently he has no problem calling out Trump voters for being racist, but if you try to rain on his misogyny parade, well that’s just something else! It’s his RIGHT to call women wh*res, gosh darn it!! I’m. so. tired. of all of this. I hate everyone at this point. The GOP is worse but I’m even sick of talking to people on my own side because many of them don’t want to have an honest conversation about their biases, either. Sorry for the rant. Maybe someone will relate.

          • ELS

            Agreed, SD. I hate everyone. I’ve had similar discussions with liberal, straight, white men and I was called a ton of terrible names in response to my inquiry.

            I’m out. I’m sick of yelling at white men on the internet who claim to be my ally.

          • ChiLaw

            Me too, SD, just so so tired.

            I am so grateful for my husband who is just like, “yes, I understand, I hear you” and doesn’t ‘splain anything or tell me I am wrong. (And then I am sad that I am grateful for baseline human decency, but here we are.)

      • Brunchaholic

        The problem here is that it isn’t just 2 opposing views. One of the views is predicated on an attack on (many) groups of people, and a desire to take rights and opportunities away from these people. Contrary to what they might want us all to believe, being the subject of racism, homophobia and misogyny is in fact much more hurtful than being CALLED racist, homophobic or sexist. As a minority myself, I would encourage OP to ask her sister how she feels about this. The results of this election have been downright traumatizing for some people, and I personally can’t imagine what it must feel like to be Muslim right now. I think her comfort and feelings should dictate. But frankly it sounds to me like OP has a lot on her plate and diffusing these potentially emotional situations is priority #1.

        My 2 cents – I agree with the other responses. From my extensive personal experience with them, I think Trump supporters 100% *would* in fact sit across from a Muslim and perhaps say “Maybe you personally are not a terrorist (of COURSE we don’t mean YOU), but you HAVE to admit that Muslims are much more likely to be terrorists so my fear is reasonable. Right?” A very sad behavior I have been seeing post-election is that Trump voters are now asking liberals and minorities to reassure them that we don’t actually think they are so bad. As if voting against people’s rights wasn’t bad enough, now they are coming and asking for absolution from those EXACT people. It’s disgusting.

    • anon

      Piggybacking on this, my mother has invited herself and her new husband to my house for Christmas because she wants to see my kids on Christmas morning while they still believe in Santa. We have a strained relationship, but I try to set that aside when it comes to my kids. Although she invited herself, I appreciate why she wants to come. She has always stayed at my house when she visits (with or without husband), no questions asked.

      I have a toddler and a preschooler, so my house is loud, they whine, they cry, they’re messy, they get up early, etc. This always seems to be stressful for my mom and her being there is definitely stressful for me. I think we would all be more comfortable and the visit more enjoyable if she started staying in a nearby hotel or airbnb. Is there a way for me to suggest this without it becoming a fight? She is a selfish and passive aggressive person and I can see her taking my suggestion the wrong way even if I am straightforward about it.

      • ANP

        I’m the OP in this thread and just want to tell you I’ve been in your shoes. My mother takes any non-invitation as a total personal affront, so needless to say this situation didn’t unfold well in my house. Sigh.

        One thing I would consider doing is seeing if you guys can have your own Christmas and then do a special second Santa visit (or something) if your kids are young enough to buy it. Then your mom doesn’t wreck “your” Christmas, you still get time with your nuclear family, and she also gets the joy of watching your kids’ faces.

      • OCAssociate

        I’m in a similar spot. I just accept that my mom is going to be selfish, childish and play wounded party no matter what. I book a hotel room, pay for it, and tell my parents that the room is booked.

        So: don’t suggest a hotel, just book one, if you can afford it. If they offer to pay you for it, let them. If they are offended that you’re telling them to stay elsewhere, just say that everyone needs sleep (you, your kids, your parents) and no one is going to get it if they stay with you.

        Good luck!

        • Sydney Bristow

          This sounds like the best solution to me. You can’t control her reaction. It sucks, but accepting that might help make you feel better regardless of her reaction.

      • Anon

        Speaking as a former child in a family like yours, please set this one boundary. Reserve Christmas morning for your nuclear family. Setting aside the strain for your kids isn’t actually a thing – kids still pick up on the strain. Let them have the magic of Christmas unspoiled by tense family dynamics. She can make plans to arrive after noon, or the next day, or whatever. But she had her time to do Santa with her own kids. She doesn’t have a RIGHT to your time as well. Let your kids have a relaxed mother who is genuinely enjoying their presence, not awkwardly diffusing the tension.

        • anon

          OP here. Thank you for this. As I am learning to accept that she will never be the kind of mother I want or the grandmother I want for my children, I am trying to be for my own children the kind of mother I wanted.

        • banana slug

          From an early age kids pick up on the tension when parents stuff their feelings about the grandparents in an effort to be nice. Ask me how I know.

      • Anomanom

        Santa always came to both of my grand parents house. He even hit my mom’s family on Christmas Eve, pretty awesome :)

  3. Anonymous

    I am disappointed in some of the women here. If you can’t relate to the person asking the question, it does not mean the person is a troll. The troll accusations have gotten out of hand. I have watched it for a while, and yesterday, I was called a troll, and stupid. I think I am done with the site.

    • Anonymous

      This place is definitely changing. Last week someone commented about staying with her husband who physically abused her and everyone was giving her a thumbs up. It’s like a bizarro world.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        If it’s the woman who had an argument with her husband on their dog walk, I was hoping for an update. If you could tell me the day she replied, I’d love to go back and read it.

        • Wendy

          She did reply one day last week, maybe Wed or Thurs. She said essentially, her husband is seeing a therapist and they are also trying to find out what caused this out-of-character behaviour. Meanwhile she has opened an account for her money just in case. If I missed something or got something wrong, please comment.

    • Frozen Peach

      I am willing to stay and fight. Longtime reader who has also noticed a very distinct change in tone on this site recently. This community’s value is that we are supportive of one another, even when we disagree. I wish that more of the people who are new to the site would take a step back from critical comments and look to certain longtime posters (not me! Though I can name names of good examples..) for an example of etiquette and generally how to treat other people.

  4. Auntie

    After everything horrible that happened last Tuesday there was a happy event in my family at the same time. My sister had her baby. My niece is the first niece/nephew, grandchild and great-grandchild for both our family and my brother-in-law’s family. Her due date was actually two days before Thanksgiving but she decided to come on the election day instead. My brother-in-law’s father likes to say that she knew we needed something to make us happy after what happened. My brother-in-law is already looking ahead to the 2036 election when she can vote. Both my sister and my niece are home from the hospital and doing well.

  5. Sydney Bristow

    I like the stitching on the top part of the dress. I find that whenever I own something with a flounce hem though, I avoid wearing it even if I liked it when I bought it. Now it’s on my “never buy” list to save me from myself.

    • AIMS

      Same. I think it’s because I can never quite sit right in this type of thing and end up looking a little wrinkled quickly. Also, just feels too girly/flirty, which is weird because I rarely feel that way about most feminine details.

      • Nancy Raygun

        That’s my thing. The style looks good on me, but it feels way more girly than what I normally wear. Plus, with a big butt, I think it reads as “sexy church lady” on me. Not that anyone else is seeing that…

    • JayJay

      Same. I always love them when I see them, and even when I try them on, and then I feel too….flouncy…when I actually wear it.

  6. Cb

    I asked last month about nausea and headaches related to hormonal fluctuations and someone recommended magnesium and B6. My doctor is a nightmare to visit so I decided to self-medicate and am feeling loads better this month. My period is due any day and I’ve only had a slight headache and no nausea. Today someone was wearing super strong perfume on the bus and I could definitely smell it but I didn’t need to get off the bus early.

    Thanks folks!

  7. Bcc

    Flounced hems work well on me. I normally wear a straight pencil skirt or sheath dress. Whenever I venture into A-line, it feels like too much fabric, but the flounce is the perfect in-between for me.

  8. Bonnie

    I really like Rebecca Taylor clothing. They tend to have feminine details but not overbearing and her dresses and skirts are typically lined.

  9. The answer to everything

    If someone at work who works in the same small room with me all day smokes and my hair smells of smoke at the end of the day, is there anything I can do about that?

    • The answer to everything

      I prefer not to have to wash my hair every day – usually do it 2 – 3 times a week

    • Mrs. Jones

      Dry shampoo? And I don’t know if it still exists, but I used to have a hair fragrance spray, long ago.

      • Shopaholic

        +1 me too – I think it was made by fructius?

        When I started going to clubs, it was legal to smoke inside (also in cafes and restaurants where I went to school) so I smelt terrible and the spray helped my hair. I don’t know if it still exists.

        There are definitely dry shampoos that would help – the drybar one smells great!

    • Anonymous

      Is your workplace covered by regulations about indoor smoking? Maybe states differ, but I just assumed that workplaces are covered by laws against smoking precisely because it exposes other workers to second-hand smoke. It’s really not right that you have to put up with this.

    • MJ

      I interpreted this as they smoke outside but you still smell because they smell so much…not that they were smoking inside. I would talk to HR and ask to be moved. And if not, I’d quit. I am super-asthmatic, so they’d have to make a medical accommodation for me. If you don’t have a medical issue, but just hate it, it’s harder.

      • Anon

        Yes, ask to be moved ASAP. You can say that your clothes and hair smell like smoke after sitting near this person and that you are very concerned about the health effects of secondhand smoke exposure.

      • The answer to everything

        Yes this – they dont smoke in the room but the smell is still there

      • rosie

        Yes, I would ask to be moved. Even if you don’t have an issue like asthma that will be triggered by the exposure, it’s still not healthy to be exposed thirdhand.

  10. Two-faced

    Does anyone else have a face that is two distinct halves? I have some asymetry, but it seems that my face muscles on one side are so much stronger (like one eyebrow seems to be higher, one eye opens wider, one side smiles wider)? I haven’t had a stroke or any botox, so it’s like my face is right-sided? I hate to be like Mariah Carey and only be photographed from my good side, but I do have a good (or better) side and now I can’t stop seeing it.

    • Anonymous

      Yup. Most of us do actually, but sometimes we don’t even realize it.

      I didn’t realize it until I saw a neurologist after I was injured in a car accident (drunk driver). He didn’t have a great bedside manner, and one classic example was when he looked at me and said…… Have you always looked like…. THAT? And went on to point out my asymmetries.

      Now I can’t ever forget them!

      But we all have them. My hairdresser reminds me by telling me where I should part my hair. My brows expert reminds me by filling in my imbalances.

      And even perfect looking celebrities have them. They just learn how to mask them with make-up, a head turn etc…

      So learn your angles, as they say. And your situation is adorable when you practice a cute wink and a coquettish grin!

    • CountC

      Yep! The right side of my face was paralyzed for a while due to car meets skull. I only notice it when I scrunch my face really hard and don’t care about it all that much. I have had one or two people, like the doctor above, ask what is wrong with that side of my face.

      Hilariously, if I drink to much it starts to be a little droopy.

    • Two-faced

      OK — it sounds like I have this but no story. I can start with “you should see the other guy.” But the muscularity of it is really a puzzler. I know tha old people can have mini strokes, but it’s like one side of my face is non-reactive. I know people who are wall-eyed or have lost vision in one eye, so at first you won’t know where they are looking or where to look at (but that’s not me — one eye has been smoking a bit of weed and the other is startled wide awake in comparison).

      Duuuuude, you have no idea. Where are the Fritos???

      • Yup

        I posted above, but my asymmetries were not caused by my accident. They were always there, but never went to the doctor.

        So to the doctor, I said…. “Yup, this is me.”

        If people are rude enough to question you, you can play with them and say “What?”, or “Excuse me?”

        BUT is this something that just happened? If so, it is probably a mild version of Bell’s Palsy (weakeness of one of the nerves that goes to the facial muscles on that side of your face). Then you should go to your doc to see if you should have a brief treatment of steroids or an antiviral medicine, since this is usually caused by a virus. But it often improves on it’s own without treatment. But some folks are always left with a trace of weakness on that side.

        This is really common, and once you know how to spot it, you’ll see people who it on the train etc…

        But if your face has been like this a long time, ask your parents if it has always been there. Maybe you had a Bell Palsy attack as a young child, and they forgot! If it is old, there is nothing you do about it now. You might find some facial exercises online, but they don’t do much.

    • AB

      I have this, with no noteworthy medical incident cause. Someone (without medical training) told me he read that people who have one overactive side of the brain tend to, for example, smile with one side a bit wider than the other.

      • Baconpancakes

        Hmm, interesting. I’ve always smiled a lot wider on my left side and can arch that eyebrow but not the other, but I’m right handed. I’d always assumed it was pretty normal.

  11. Hermes wool scarves?

    Anyone have / love / want to comment on Hermes (or other — McQueen?) wool scarves?

    I have some Lilly Murfee scarves and would like something a bit heavier and a bit less weekend (I do love the Lilly ones, esp compared to the Hermes price).

    Silk scarves are now something that provide no warmth and seem excessively fragile and likely for me to ruin. I want to be warm and a little chic looking and can be spendy for myself for a change (it’s like a daycare payment and my kids are finally in grade school).

    • Runner 5

      I have a Becksondergaard scarf that’s 50/50 wool/silk and it’s my favourite non-handmade accessory. I love it so much.

    • SD

      I have a tone on tone LV scarf, it’s a silk blend. Got it for a gift because I’m nowhere near the place of spending $600 on a scarf for myself, BUT… it’s absolutely the comfiest scarf I’ve ever owned. It’s the perfect weight almost year-round and the monogram is kind of obnoxious but also adds the ideal amount of pattern/visual interest to any outfit. It seems stupid expensive but I kind of get it now that I have one. Definitely fragile, though.

  12. Vicarious Shoe Shopping

    I’m looking for a pair of black, short, flat or low heeled boots that can be worn in a business casual environment. For example, today in NYC its rainy and icky and I would have preferred to wear boots, but the ones I have are either pretty tall or otherwise didn’t work.

    I was thinking heeled oxfords or something? I know I could change in the office, but I have an open office and no assigned space (hoteling) so I’d rather have some shoes I can walk in winter with but still wear to the office.

    • espresso bean

      Not sure if this is what you’re looking for, but I recently bought some Topshop ankle boots at Nordstrom that might fit the bill. Plain, low-heeled black ankle boots that you can dress up or down. They’re $75 and leather.

      • Godzilla

        Similarly, I got a pair of 1″ heeled Lucky brand booties from Nordstrom Rack. LOVE THEM. I think they’re $50-$70.

    • Runner 5

      I’m wearing my black Chelsea boots today. They keep my ankles warm and dry which is half the battle. I do keep a pair of smart black loafers in the office in case I’m wearing them on a day when I need to look a little smarter but most days I keep them on all day.

      • Vicarious Shoe Shopping

        That would work. Yeah I just don’t like having my feet and ankles exposed (even with tights).

  13. Dyeing Clothes

    Has anyone ever dyed their clothing to bring them back to life? If so, any recommendations for good black dye and resources on how to do it? I have a black sweater that is a staple and starting to fade, but in good condition otherwise. I’d hate to lose it if I can easily fix the problem.

    • AZCPA

      I’ve tried over the years, but less than great results. Items with stretch in them tend to not take dye, or to take it very unevenly. Even if it does take, be prepared for the item to give off dye in the wash for ages. I’d probably skip it.

    • Runner 5

      If it’s 100% a natural fibre, you shouldn’t have a problem. Give it a citric acid soak afterwards.

    • Actuary

      I have with decent results – going from white to another color so I’d imagine black to blacker should be relatively easy. I used RIT on all silk or all cotton. I don’t think poly takes this dye at all (maybe why AZCPA didn’t have luck with stretch fabric?) so it depends on your fabric.

      I’ve ordered fabric from Dharma Trading Co and it was great cost / quality – looks like a good source for dye too.

      If you’re not wearing it or a step away from donating it, wouldn’t hurt to try?

  14. A-line dress for renewal ceremony

    Reposting in the hopes of more responses (thanks to Frozen Peach for her suggestion!).

    Anyone want to shop for me? I need to buy a dress for an upcoming renewal ceremony (I’m a guest, and it’s a small affair). I want to look good, but it doesn’t have to be super formal or anything. I’m a size 4/6 and have a bit of a belly, so an A-line or fit and flare dress would work best. No black, and I look best in jewel tones like royal blue, bright green, magenta, etc. Should be knee length, which on me is 40 inches.

    Preferably something that has fast shipping, as I need this by next weekend. Maybe something through Amazon? I don’t want to do RTR.

    Thanks for any leads!!

  15. JunieB

    I’m thinking of taking a quick post-Thanksgiving family trip to Boston (staying 1 or 2 nights). We’d be 3 adults and 4 children (ages 6 to 10). Looking for hotel/activities/restaurant recommendations, nothing fancy. We would have a car but open to walking and exploring. Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      When we visited, my then-7-year-old loved the duck tour, the science museum, the Boston Tea Party (horribly touristy and overpriced, but she thought it was fun to throw the “tea” into the harbor), and the swan boats and Make Way for Ducklings statues in the Public Garden. She is a fan of Little Women, so her favorite thing of all was Louisa May Alcott’s Orchard House.

      Skating on the Frog Pond is fun, but it can get very crowded so I’d try to go at an off-peak time, if there is one during Thanksgiving weekend.

      • Anonymous

        I would also say Walden Pond, except that the leaves are probably already gone.

      • MJ

        As of this morning, the pond is not yet ice…not sure when it opens.

        I would also check The Boston Calendar. It lists everything going on for a specific weekend.

        The Children’s Museum here is pretty awesome too.

      • other idea

        If you go out to see Orchard House and Walden Pond or Old North Bridge, and think your family would be interested in this, the Concord Museum does a Christmas tree exhibit every year beginning the day before thanksgiving where they decorate trees themed to children’s book. I loved it when I was young!

        (That said, I probably wouldn’t drive all the way out of Boston for any of this, and would stick to Aquarium, Museum of Science, MIT Museum (free on last Sunday of the month), etc in the city – I grew up in sleepy little Concord though so I may be biased to not recognize its charms).

    • Anonymous

      MIT Museum is pretty cool, if it’s open.
      DeCordova Sculpture park (closed Mondays and Tuesdays)

    • Anon

      Museum of Science or the Aquarium. You should at least walk by the Aquarium because you can see the harbor seals in their tank in the outside area even if you don’t want to pay for admission. Also take the ferry from Charlestown to Boston (short ride) for the view after checking out the Old Ironsides museum.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, yes, the aquarium, especially if any of the kids has read The Thing About Jellyfish!

      • A Nonny Mousse

        There’s also a pretty good Children’s Museum, with a cool climbing fixture and a room with all sorts of bubble-making gizmos. And the kids can run around and burn off some steam.

        You could also do bits of the Freedom Trail–it’s a bit cold to be outside for very long, but you can visit Paul Revere’s house, one or two of the churches or burying grounds.

        There is also the Black Heritage Trail and the Museum of African American History.

    • Frozen Peach

      I think the aquarium is way overrated for the price. The duck tour is the best way to see a ton of historic stuff without trudging the length of the freedom trail.

      When I lived there, I really enjoyed taking visitors to see the glass flowers in the Harvard Museum of Natural History and exploring all the unique stores in Harvard Square, like the Curious George bookstore and Cardullo’s deli. The U.S.S. Constitution is also a really cool experience for kids. And Quincy Market is a great place to grab lunch and wander around.

  16. D. Meagle

    Signed up to “adopt a family” for the holidays. I handled the boy gift, but need recommendations for an 11 year old girl. The only personal information I have is “11 yo girl named Jane.” Looking to spend around $20-$25. Amazon recs would be great! As always, thanks for your help!

    • Anonymous

      Spirograph! (link to follow) I don’t think 11 is too old, but correct me if I’m wrong… I would still play with it today!

    • Anonymous

      A Mighty Girl has some great gift ideas. An origami kit? A bead jewelry kit? Art supplies (everything from paint to screenprinting kits)?

      • lawsuited

        There is no way you will be able to guess this girl’s style well enough to pick out a scarf for her.

    • Anonymous

      Jellyroll gel pens with a roll up pencil case (e.g. Kaariss Canvas Pencil Wrap).

      Cute dogeared necklace (closer to $35).

      • lawsuited

        +1 Gel pens would be great – especially a big set with tons of colours would feel really special.

    • Anonymous

      Outing myself as a nerd, but what about a pocket chess set and set of rules?

      In addition, you can get a high-quality sketch pad and some good art supplies within that range, too.

    • AIMS

      I remember getting and loving nail polish and make up sets at that age. I think make up might be tricky but nail polish is more universal.

      • Anonymous

        If you gave my 11-year-old makeup, you would be on my “not nice” list. Nail polish, okay.

        My daughter and her friends love the craft kits by Klutz and Craft-Tastic.

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      How do you adopt a family? That would be a nice thing to do this year.

      • Mrs. Jones

        IME, a lot of businesses and churches ask shelters and the like to suggest local families who need help at the holidays. Then they post the family ages/genders for you to “adopt.” You might ask your local food bank or shelter for info.

      • Anonymous

        I “adopt” a family through one local homeless shelter, and I adopt a senior through a local non-profit focused on senior issues. Children are more often supported at the holidays so supporting seniors is super special, and I actually love shopping their wish list.

        I also support Toys for Tots and adopt a child through my child’s school.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          I’d love to adopt a senior- how did you come across the non-profit? A quick Google search didn’t give me any results for my area (Seattle).

          • Anonymous

            Try a google search for Santa for a Senior. Also maybe call your local meals on wheels to see if they know any or a local assisted living facility.

    • lawsuited

      I think seeing as the only identifying information you have about her is her name, I’d get her a monogrammed mug and journal. There are so many things (clothes, makeup, books, movies) that would be perfect for that age group that are too hard to pick out not knowing anything about her.

      My family was adopted for Christmas one year when we were newly immigrated, and at 15 I was aware of and appreciated the gesture but the gift I received was so impersonal that it made me feel really sad that day.

    • Stormtrooper

      I second Might Girl. They have wonderful, sortable gift lists, most of which are available on Amazon.

    • Actuary

      If you can, I second gift card recommendations. May not be fun for adults to buy but my experience working toy drives has been older kids much prefer gift cards (Forever 21, target, or a local mall would be good for this age)

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Before you do this, though, I’d make sure it’s accessible on a bus line or, if you’re in a city, walkable from a central, transit-accessible location. If you give her a gift card to a local mall and she has no way to get there, that’s miserable for her and for her parents.

  17. Chicago tailor?

    Do any Chicago ‘rettes have a tailor that they love? I’m particularly interested in someone who can do real magic taking in sheath dresses, skirt waists, etc. I’m a pear and am so tired of trying to find a-line work appropriate dresses. The last tailor I took some stuff to said it was too complicated and not worth the work given what needed to be done, so clearly I don’t have the right person.

    • Anonymous

      You’re likely in the city but my suggestion is to try the tailor at Sweet William in Hinsdale. They tailored a silk floor-length dress for me 15 years ago and the work was impeccable, you’d never know it was tailored. Not sure if it’s the same tailor but it’s possible. While you’re there, check out the basement room for deals & stop by Kelsey Resale around the corner for high-end consignment.

    • Terry

      Alva Graciano Tailors, 2549 North Clark Street, is excellent. I used them most recently ~ 6 months ago.

    • Anon

      In the Lakeview/Lincoln Park area, I used a fabulous woman at a cleaners on the corner of Diversey and Halsted. I think it was just called “Town Cleaners” or something else generic, but she was amazing. She tailored some really elaborate difficult pieces, and made them look impeccable. On the north side of Diversey, just across from the Dunkin.

    • AEK

      This is super late but Golden Needle just off Chicago Ave. Clark street I think. So good.

  18. Names

    I know this topic has come up before, but what do you do when your direct boss spells your name wrong every time. I usually let it go when it is a client or someone else, but I have worked for this person for the better part of a year and they add an extra letter in my name every single time they send me an email. Half the time I think just let it go and half the time it really burns me up that this person cares so little about his employees that he doesn’t even look in the subject line to see how my name is spelled. My name is a very common english first name with two common spellings (although my spelling is the simpler of the two and more common in my experience). I sort of equate it to Brian vs. Bryan.

    • Beth

      I had a similar problem and just let it go, but the person making the mistake was a scary biglaw partner and I figured it wasn’t worth attracting his (misplaced) anger. I have a long first name for which there are two common nicknames, and I only go by the less common for my age group (but still very common) nickname. He consistently used the wrong one (like calling me Liz instead of Beth for Elizabeth). Sometimes people would correct him, but I never did. Decide if it’s worth it to you? It wasn’t to me.

    • Anonshmanon

      no solution, but following this thread, as my boss of six years can still not tell me apart from another coworker. He tried to cover it by not addressing us by name, but he gets everything mixed up: projects we work on, small bits we share about our private lifes… I know I should let it go, but it definitely does not feel very respectful.

    • afds

      Lol my boss just told you about how he called a Katelyn “Katherine” for the longest time and when somebody finally asked him why he called her by the wrong name he was mortified. So it could be like that.

    • Mrs. Jones

      My former boss spelled my name wrong the entire 8 years I worked at that law firm. He was not good with names in general so I just let it go.

    • Anonymous

      I can’t fathom letting this go a year. Just reply to one with “hey it’s actually “Katie” not “Katy””

      • Wanderlust

        As someone with this particular problem (think Michelle v. Michele), i’m terrified to do this.

    • Wow

      This happens to me all.the.time. and I always always correct it in the early stages. You’ve let it go far too long at this point, and your boss’ mistake is now entrenched.

      The first time I usually let it go, but if it comes up more than once, I just respond to the email and then at the end of my message, I add — “Just a heads up, my name is actually spelled Xxxxx, not Xxxxy. People make this mistake all the time so no worries, but I wanted to let you know.”

      Almost always, the problem is immediately rectified.

      It’s your name that you have carried since birth and will have until the day you die. You deserve to have it pronounced and spelled correctly.

      • Yup

        + 1. Why the heck are you ladies so passive?? It’s your name, for goodness sake. Speak up, people.

        • Anonshmanon

          thanks for generalizing. How do you proceed when you’ve been correcting the boss for years and they just shrug it off: “Cut me some slack, I am not good with these things.”?

      • Names

        I had never noticed the misspelling before so I just assumed it was a one time thing. I went back to check our correspondence and last week was the first time he ever used my name in an email so it caught me off guard. Before last week every email was either a forward with just “FYI” or no greeting line. This week has been non-stop wrong spellings. I know I need to bring it up with him, but he has actively discouraged me from speaking to him outside of our weekly formal meeting which was canceled this week. So I guess I will bring it up next week.

        • OP with a Trump-voting husband

          Can’t you respond by email rather than wait for a weekly formal meeting?

    • Runner 5

      I’m Lily so I get this a lot. If it’s someone who will be writing about me ever I gently correct them, otherwise I let it go and make sure always to sign my emails with the correct spelling.

    • lawsuited

      I would bring it up with him in person, as he’s more likely to remember a conversation than an email. I’d casually say, “Hey, you spell my name wrong every time you email me. It’s Melissa with one “L” not two.”

    • Names

      I also think I let this go longer than most because up until marriage I had a 10+ letter Polish last name with 5 consonants in a row. Now my last name is a short, one syllable noun. I am so thankful not to have to spell/pronounce my old last name anymore than I am more willing to forgive the first name business! But I am having other issues with this boss/communication and I think this is bothering me because it is indicative of our other issues.

      • Yup

        No more excuses. You need to correct your boss. You can do so gently, but you need to do it.

  19. Anon

    Birthday gift for 8 year old nephew? What’s popular these days? He was adopted form foreign orphanage 1.5 years ago, so he always appreciates ONE small toy. He is overwhelmed by toys with lots of pieces or instructions. Any recommendations appreciated!

  20. Anonymous

    Best places to find dress suits? I already have all the ones the Limited sells. I would love the classic Theory dress/blazer but can’t afford it (do they ever go on sale?). Boss is similarly too expensive and AT was disappointing.

  21. Sydney Bristow

    What are your favorite holiday traditions?

    My husband and I celebrate Christmas and he inherited a ton of vintage decorations from his grandmother. We spend the day after thanksgiving decorating our apartment and watching movies.

    Each year we watch Christmas vacation.

    We are homebodies so for New Year’s Eve, we get dressed up, order in a fancy dinner, and then watch the ball drop on tv.

    I do miss Christmas mornings when I was growing up. My siblings and I could never sleep and would go downstairs super early. We were allowed to go through our stockings but couldn’t wake our parents up until 7am and couldn’t open presents until they had coffee made. At some point we figured out how to work the coffeemaker so we could hurry things up.

    • CountC

      I won’t get into the Christmas spirit until I watch Home Alone, the original. We also started getting the Christmas tree for my parents’ house on Christmas Eve. We always get a great deal and I enjoy being able to help decorate it. We also go out for Indian food for Christmas Eve dinner.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Having the family together on Christmas Eve to get and decorate the tree is so sweet.

        We always went to a tree farm to cut down our tree every year. My husband grew up only having fake trees. He was fascinated by the whole process when I finally got to take him one year. I wish we could do it every year!

        • CountC

          Awwwww! Cutting your own is the best. We used to cut ours every year also, but then when we kids moved out of the area and my parents got a bit older, that fell by the wayside. We still get a fresh one though – I would never stand for fake!!

    • Anonshmanon

      Decorating the tree, traditional christmas feast, and watching fairy tale movies. Can’t wait this year!

    • Cb

      I’m going to be at my parents’ for Christmas for the first time in 5 years and am so excited to introduce my husband to B family traditions – mostly cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate and mellow Christmas evenings in front of the fire. My family isn’t super traditional so I was surprised when we did a joint celebration last year and I was really upset (discreetly, thank goodness) by the grocery store desserts. Where is the pie? Why are they frozen?

      • Sydney Bristow

        Oh pie reminded me of my other thanksgiving tradition. I always bake too many pies the day before. 3 pies for 4 people again this year. I can’t help myself! I don’t like pumpkin pie but others do and it’s traditional so I always make it. I also make apple pie of some sort because that’s what I like. And ever since someone here recommended Nantucket Cranberry Pie (Bunkster maybe?) I have to make that every year too. It’s just too delicious to skip!

    • H

      I love your NYE tradition! We have a 2 year old so definitely won’t be going to rager this year, but I like the idea of dressing up at home!

      I’ll be following this – I’m trying to figure out traditions too. The one thing I hold steady on is Christmas morning is at my house (even before LO arrived). We don’t make plans with family for Christmas morning and open presents in our (non matching) pajamas. Then we make apple pancakes for breakfast.

    • Anon

      We try to visit both families for the holidays, so we put off wrapping the gifts for my ILs until Christmas Eve and watch Christmas Story and It’s A Wonderful Life while doing it.

      My BFF and I usually have a day of baking where we listen to Christmas music and split everything at the end. It makes for some good variety type trays to bring places.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’ve always wanted to do the baking thing with a friend or group but never have. I normally wind up making 3-5 types of cookies myself. I might invite some friends over this year to join in.

    • ollie

      My family is Jewish, but we always watch the cartoon How The Grinch Stole Christmas at some point during December. It’s my mom’s favorite, and we can all recite the dialogue.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Aw I love that movie! I can’t bring myself to watch the Jim Carey version.

        I totally didn’t mean for this to be only Christmas traditions! Does your family have any Hanukkah traditions?

    • New Tampanian

      This is a fun thread. I think I will be alone for the first time this year for Christmas. I am single, no children, or family really. When I lived up North I was always “adopted” by friends’ family. Not really a thing here.
      Need to start some new traditions for myself. Anyone have traditions for the single, family-less?

      • Mrs. Jones

        I think if I were alone on Xmas, I’d go to a movie and eat all the Chinese food.

      • Anonymous

        When I was single I always went to the movies on Christmas. Now we go to the movies as a family as a way to get out of the house on Christmas afternoon.

        Or have a party for other singles you know who are family-less?

      • Anonymous

        Were really comfortable but cheerful clothes, For breakfast, treat myself to panettone or a really good croissant. Use the large beautiful china coffee cup (for tea) my husband gave me when we first met. He died a year ago and at times I have been struggling. Telephone my family members scattered around the world. Go to a Christmas service, with music. Go for a short walk to the beautiful cemetery. Come home to an afternoon reading a new easy-reading book. Dinner – some food that I associate with family holidays, but only the items I really like, and that can be prepared with minimum fuss. Candles on the table that we always used. Favorite music. Hopefully something watch on PBS or elsewhere. A quiet, simple, reflective day.

    • Anonymous

      We are Jewish and we don’t have kids yet but we light Chanukah candles and try to make latkes every year. I’m sure these things will take on more importance once we have kids (plus presents for kids of course). We go out for Chinese food and a movie on Christmas Day itself. And I love to watch Love Actually onthe day after Thanksgiving, although this year I’ll be watching Gilmore Girls instead!!’

      • Sydney Bristow

        My parents are visiting for thanksgiving this year and staying with us. I don’t think I could keep everyone quiet enough for me to watch Gilmore Girls that day. Each episode is 90 minutes, right? I think I’ll be avoiding the internet and watching it on Saturday after they leave.

    • Vicarious Shoe Shopping

      My non-Christian family make macaroni and cheese with ground meat yummm

    • Baconpancakes

      Stomping around and glaring at everyone and everything. No, really.

      Christmas “season” makes this Jew feel Othered like nothing else. Let’s be honest- Christmas decor was put out for sale in Target in October, and when you said “holiday traditions”, we assumed you meant Christmas because – well, that’s what it means. I’m jealous of everyone who celebrates with secular (or Christian) impunity, but celebrating Christmas feels like a betrayal of my religion, and the more Christmas creeps over every aspect of American life in December, the less I feel like I can join in the festivities. Eg: eggnog lattes are great, until people makes a huge stink about the stupid red Christmas Starbucks cups being a betrayal of Christmas because they’re too secular, and then eggnog lattes and all the other “holiday” drinks become a representation of Christmas and the religious overtones that go with it. It’s just three long months of feeling excluded.

      I do apologize if this comes off as mean – I don’t intend for it to be. I’m just really bitter about Christmas, and I wish we would stop trying to celebrate it before Thanksgiving (a truly secular holiday!) even gets here.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Definitely didn’t mean to make you feel excluded. People were talking about Thanksgiving stuff above, which sparked the traditions thought for me. That’s also why I included my NYE tradition. I was interested in any traditions people have for any holiday between now and the end of the year. Didn’t mean to inspire early stomping around for you!

        • anon anon armani

          Sorry bacon pancakes!!!! Internet hugs.

          We listen to our large collection of christmas audio cds every day/night after thanksgiving. We rarely get through them all, though.

          Collection of all the versions of “The Christmas Carol” from the early black and white days until now.

          Charlie Brown Christmas.

          I wrap everything during the Macy’s Parade on tv and box up those to be mailed. They go to UPS the day after Thanksgiving. Do office and home Christmas cards and they are mailed the first week of December. We’re obvi known as the harbingers of Christmas in our circle.

          We always do an international or everyday dish for Christmas. Too tired after all the Church services to do a traditional feast. Used to infuriate my father so much that Darling Husband and I decided to make it tradition for us. Everything from curry to borek to meat loaf, to a steak. The unusual. No, we don’t entertain on Christmas.

          We shop a randomly selected shop in the area and have a budget. All sorts of little things, toiletries, car polish, toothbrush, one toy, one piece of candy, etc. Each item is wrapped and the identity tried to be concealed. That’s our “stocking” and only “gift” to each other. Time is spent with each of us taking turns guessing what’s inside each item (a la Linus Pauling) … taking turns. Before you know it it’s time to eat something.

        • Baconpancakes

          I know you didn’t mean to be exclusionary, I’m just grumpy after my fellow grad students decided to start planning a departmental tacky Christmas sweater party for December 1st, started passing around candy cane Hershey’s kisses already, and demanded we decorate gingerbread houses as a group activity.

          But I really do appreciate the acknowledgement, and just hearing that makes me feel a lot better. It’s totally fine for everyone else to do their Christmas stuff – the thing that really frosts my holiday cupcakes is being told that Christmas isn’t a religious holiday and that I should celebrate it because it doesn’t mean anything. It makes me a little sad to not have the fun stuff like a tree and Christmas carols, but I don’t mind celebrating other people’s holidays as long as they’re not being foisted on me. (Like a friend’s Christmas party vs. an office Christmas party.)

          As far as my personal holiday traditions – my mother usually makes a Thanksgiving quiz with questions about the states that produce the most pumpkin, what year the pilgrims came over on, which foods are from the Americas and which from Europe, and which Native American nation kept the Pilgrims from starving (the Wampanoag), that kind of thing, and on NYE I always wear red undergarments for love and eat grapes and champagne (Spanish traditions).

          • Sydney Bristow

            I love that! I can totally picture my best friend’s mom doing something similar.

          • girl in the stix

            I actually celebrate solstice all December long (bright lights keeps the gray from getting to me here in the dismal PNW), and any other random holiday tradition that seems like fun. But mostly, I celebrate the promise of longer days and spring. It’s a time of reflection–sometimes a purging of the old to make way for the new.

      • Anonymous

        I am Christian and celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday, and I agree that there is way too much Christmas merchandising. What happened to Thanksgiving? And why can’t we have some winter-themed stuff that sticks around from December until the end of February? I love winter and would like to celebrate the season itself, not the holidays, during actual winter. I hate seeing Christmas decorations and hearing Christmas music in October when it is 80 degrees outside, then slogging through January and February without anything to lighten the gloom. Why can’t we have winter gingerbread lattes and snowflake decorations and pretty white lights and snowmen everywhere in January?

        • Blonde Lawyer

          I actually separate my decorations out as follows:

          Fall general / halloween / thanksgiving

          Winter general / Christmas / New Years

          I try to have winter decorations like you described up all winter. Same for the fall ones.

      • Anonymous

        I’m completely with you on the wayyyy to early merchandising. Honestly, I would be fine not celebrating anything at all, but the truth is that my family does celebrate it. Especially, since we are not believers. I mean WHY?

        The OP asked about holiday traditions – were we not supposed to answer at all? Can we not be empathetic and also talk about our own traditions?

      • Suburban

        Hugs!

        I respect that it feels like a betrayal of your religion, but I have a different perspective. I’m only offering it in hopes it helps you feel better.

        I’m a non-Christian (I have Jewish heritage, but am not Jewish) and I celebrate Xmas with impunity. My father’s family is Jewish, and they celebrated Xmas ever since they were the first Jews in our little town in the 1880s. Christmas tree, presents, Santa, ect. I dont think they betrayed their religion by particpating in the more secular customs of the biggest American holiday. I feel zero guilt celebrating. The way I see it, there will be people who are angry that you didn’t say “merry Xmas” and people that are angry you drank “their” gingerbread latte. Fact is, for certain people, there is no “right” way for you to exist as a non-Christian. You might as well enjoy the flavored coffee of your choice.

        Fun fact: my dad once dressed as Santa for a promotion at a store my mom owned. One little boy sat on his lap and said he didn’t want anything for Xmas, because he was Jewish. My dad told him Santa was Jewish too.

    • Not that Anne, the other Anne

      Charlie Brown Christmas – at least once. Also Muppet Christmas Carol.

      Everyone gets an ornament, which started so my sibling and I would have ornaments for our trees when we moved out. It just continued beyond that time, so now we all have MANY ornaments. :)

      We usually go to a Christmas Eve service, but not always.

  22. CPA Lady

    I am not going to have much if any billable work for the next 2-3 months. Other than doing continuing education, how would you spend your time if you were in this situation? I’m not in a position to go out and give speeches and drum up business or anything like that. Just thinking about this makes me feel like I’m going to lose my mind from boredom. The tax season roller coaster– work work work nothing nothing nothing work work work nothing nothing nothing. Repeat ad nauseam for the next 35 years of my life…

    • TorontoNewbie

      Can you work remotely somewhere? Like, Mexico? (It’s probably the oncoming Canadian winter making me think this.)

      Can you do any pro bono work at a clinic or do a guest lecture series at a public library or local college?
      Our local bar association has day-of court shifts for lawyers to help self-represented litigants, is there a tax equivalent?

      Otherwise… write an article and take a course.

    • Two-faced

      I would start on that novel I’d always been meaning to write. And have long lunches / personal trainer / yoga classes.

    • AZCPA

      Are you looking for work-type things to do? I would always tell my staff to review the bigger clients they worked on (and likely were rushed through a bit during tax season). At worst, they learn from the review notes and changes made on the returns after they had prepared them, at best they’d find planning opportunities or other tasks they can start in December, like asking clients for fixed asset information if the depreciation recon was a big time sink in during season. Sometimes they’d also find things we needed to amend for, and that not only provided billable work but meant we didn’t have to cram an amendment into the following season.

  23. Sunday Blues

    Hey hive,
    I have noticed every Sunday no matter what I do, I will get a panick attack apprehending Monday and thinking about all the things that could go wrong and how I didn’t do enough last week and it will bite me now.
    I am in management consulting and we have intense working hours. We start Monday at 7 meaning I leave my place at 6:30 AM and only finish around 1 AM or later every Monday no fail.
    My boss was also quite toxic and pouring his anxiety on me though he is getting better.
    How can I make my Sunday nights less terrible?

      • JayJay

        +1. It’s amazing when I switched jobs and didn’t have Sunday anxiety anymore. I never realized how much it affected my life.

        • Anonymous

          Same. If you dread Monday every week you need a new job (new career if necessary). Life is too short.

    • Anon for this

      Medication may be enormously helpful to control your anxiety, have you talked with a psychiatrist?

    • Anon

      When I was in an awful stressful job, every Sunday afternoon was awful. Now that I’m in a better job, Sunday afternoon is just a different part of the week. I don’t dread Monday morning at all.

      You Should dread Monday morning. I know half of the people on here are biglaw warriors who will probably think I’m weak for saying this, but I think you’d be completely insane NOT to dread a 17 hour day. If you need to stay in this job, they yeah, take a bunch of pills so you can white knuckle through, but this is not a sane or healthy way to live your life long term, and your body is trying to tell you that.

      • TorontoNewbie

        +1 if you’re medicating in order to get through the work week, it’s probably time to change the work week.

        • anon

          This was me. I was having to take an SSRI to deal with my work-related anxiety. I got a new job, got off the medication, and am generally feeling much better.

          I will say, I held off on the SSRI for a long time and wish I hadn’t. I wasn’t thrilled to be taking something, but it’s what I needed at the time.

      • emeralds

        Yes. I know I could not be successful in an environment like that because my body needs 7 hours of sleep a night or I turn into a horrible, horrible person. I have a job in a field that I care about a lot, doing work that I think makes the world a little better every single day…from 9am-5pm with a night or weekend morning maybe once every three months. It’s okay if this job is not working for you. Your health (mental and physical) is more important than this job. Because it sounds to me like you have a job problem, not an anxiety problem.

    • Sunday Blues

      Actually, the reason I noticed this is that I was recently at my dentist who pointed out that I grind my teeth and that I need to lower my stress levels or she will make me a mouth guard to wear all night.
      Mondays are the worst but the rest of the week is usually 14-hour days with short Fridays.
      I really love my job and want to make this work but I also want to better take care of my health.

      • afds

        One of the guys on my team was talking about how he doesn’t go to the gym on Mondays because he d never gets enough sleep on Sunday nights. Um dude, that’s anxiety before the work week. These things can manifest in weird ways

      • January

        You’re probably going to have to take the mouth guard to protect your teeth, see a psychiatrist (or even your GP) about an anti-anxiety medication, take up running and/or meditation/yoga or some other activity that allows you to burn off some stress, and look for ways to outsource every possible thing you can so that your only responsibilities are to work and to sleep.

    • Yup

      I was exactly like this when I was in medicine. The stress was incredible and the stakes were high and hours awful.

      You need a job change, and to treat your anxiety.

      It can be better.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Besides looking into switching jobs, because your situation sounds toxic, an idea for the mean time is to write a “Monday Note” on Friday afternoon. This is the best thing I ever did to stop thinking about work during the weekend, writing a note to my Monday morning self – with all the things I needed to do/remember first thing when I arrived on Monday. Then I could leave for the weekend knowing I had thought of it all and was good to go Monday .

  24. Tailor in Chicago

    Hm, I posted but it got stuck in moderation so I’m trying again: Does anyone have a tailor to recommend in Chicago? I’m battling my wardrobe and feel like a great tailor could make the difference.

  25. sombra

    any recent experience with passport renewal times? I have a straightforward 10yr passport renewal that was received today. I wasn’t planning on travelling out of the us until jan so I got routine service. surprise! my mom wants to take me to the bahamas with her in late Dec. It’s exactly 5 weeks from the day my application was received. Do I pay for the expedited service for peace of mind or wait a week or so to see if the status updates (passport people were vague on if I’d ever be able to know when it’s done so…)

    • JayJay

      I did expedited earlier in the summer through the mail and got the passports back within 10 days. I would pay for that for the peace of mind, honestly.

      • sombra

        you’re probably right. I’m just so mad I put off renewing my passport ALL SUMMER when I did squat diddly and then I finally got off my butt and did it and suddenlyyyyy bahamas

        not going to pass that up though honestly

    • Anonymous

      Mine were exactly on time. If you submitted it in five weeks and you’re not traveling until late December, I don’t see why you would need to expedite. I would expect to get it soon.

      • emeralds

        +1. Delays in processing time are almost always in the run-up to the summer travel season. You can expedite it if it would help your peace of mind, but you should be fine.

    • BeenThatGuy

      I renewed at the Post Office (you can make an appointment) and received by renewed passport in about 3 weeks. At the same time, I got my son a passport and his arrived in about 2 weeks.

      • Anon

        If you renew at the post office, it’s faster than if you just send it in.

        I’d pay for the expedited. Why take the chance?

    • Anon

      I did regular renewal (with a marriage name change as well) and I got my new passport in the mail in approx. 2 weeks. Received my original passport and marriage certificate back as well (which I fully was not expecting) about a week later.

    • MKB

      I renewed mine in late September – took almost exactly two weeks (non-expedited).

  26. TorontoNewbie

    Any suggestions for getting out of a funk this morning? Got catcalled/harassed on my way into work and I’m just feeling cranky and upset about it. Also partially mad at myself for not causing a scene and effectively just running away.

    • Anon

      I had a couple of hard days after the election. I amused myself by looking at requests on donorschoose.org and getting a few that were almost funded over the finish line. In total, I spent as much as I would have on a pair of shoes, and it made me feel a lot better to be helping school kids in high poverty locations.

      • Anon

        Or you can donate to Planned Parenthood in Mike Pence’s honor. Or Hillary’s if you want to be positive :)

        • Eleanor

          I donated to PP for Pence yesterday. It felt nice to something concrete to help.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          I donated the money my Trump-supporting aunt and uncle gave to me for my birthday to the ACLU in his name. They send both an email AND a card to him and you get to add a personal message. Mine was as passive aggressive as I could make it.

    • Anne Shirley

      Be nice to yourself – treat yourself to Starbucks instead of bad office coffee or take walk during lunch. Catcallers sucks and it’s not your fault that other people are jerks. Sending good vibes <3

    • TorontoNewbie

      Thanks everyone! Got a latte and set up a monthly donation to a local charity I’ve been meaning to do for ages. You’re all lovely.

  27. Ethics of international adoption

    My husband and I plan to adopt. We want to adopt from the American foster care system, but we also want to learn about the ethics of adopting internationally. I feel like international adoption is fraught with ethical issues, and I want to make an informed choice.

    Any books or other sources that people would recommend?

    • Adoption

      Commenting to follow the thread. I want to adopt, but really struggle with the ethics of adoption, generally, but particularly when it comes to international adoption.

      • Anon for this

        What ethical issues do you struggle with? If you could narrow it down it might help. I know there is concern over someone deciding that another parent is better than the bio parent but there are also lots of circumstances where the bio parent did not want to raise the child not just situations where the child was taken away.

        • Adoption

          there are a few things, and I apologize in advance if I have fundamentally misunderstood anything:

          My understanding is that in a number of countries, taking your child to an orphanage isn’t understood by surrendering parents to mean that their children will be adopted by an American couple who will take the child out of the country. Parents there see orphanages as a way to ensure a child gets three meals a day, a roof over their head and a bed to sleep on with the expectation that when circumstances improve for the parents, they will return to pick up their children. Also, that extended family in some of those countries views their rights with respect to the children as being very similar to parental rights- so that even if the parents surrender their child, the aunts/uncles/grandparents may feel that they have legal or other rights to care for the child before the child is adopted internationally.

          There’s also the troubling issues with the predominance of white parents adopting non-white children and struggling to provide environments that recognize and celebrate the adopted child’s background, as well as the concern about spending $30,000+ to adopt a single child when $30,000+ would provide a lifetime of housing, food and education to multiple children in their country of birth.

          I also see the many virtues of adoption, but struggle with some of these issues.

        • Sloan Sabbith

          A family member of mine adopted 2 children from 2 separate countries in Africa (do not remember where, which I feel crappy about). They’re very much in the “we are going to save all the poor starving African children” mindset. The kids were both 4-6ish when adopted (don’t know exactly) and had some pretty serious behavioral health issues after living in an orphanage for a few years. They hoarded food, were “sneaky,” wouldn’t stay in bed at night, et cetera.

          They gave one of the kids back to the adoption agency after about a year (a year or so ago now). He was “too difficult” to handle. It makes me sick just thinking about it. They really seemed to expect that these young kids would just be SO GRATEFUL that this white family adopted them and poof, all of their issues would disappear!

          On an unrelated note, I haven’t spoken to them in about a year…. (totally related, what terrible, terrible people).

    • Anon

      not a visitor (all one word) blog follows a family who adopted two newborn girls domestically. Lots of good content about what to consider when adopting, and about life in a family where your kids are of a different race.

    • Coach Laura

      The WACAP is a great resource for int’l adoption. They were a client of mine years ago. Based in Seattle but they also have NYC and Wisconsin outposts. WACAP (dot)org

    • Frozen Peach

      Please read “Nobody’s Children” by Elizabeth Bartholet. She’s very controversial in some circles, but she was my mentor in law school and I am a HUGE supporter of her thoughts on international and foster system adoption.

      Two other writers/bloggers/moms:

      Jillian Lauren, blogger but also author of Everything You’ve Ever Wanted. She and her husband (guitarist for Weezer) have adopted twice, once internationally and once from domestic foster care.

      Kristen Howerton, blogger at Rage Against the Minivan.

  28. Calling your representatives

    There is a movement online for everyone to call their representatives, Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell, and anyone else you want to oppose Trump’s new white nationalist, misogynistic chief strategist Steve Bannon. I called yesterday and each one took 30 seconds tops; please consider taking the time today to do it as well. We can’t get complacent and think “it’s all going to be okay.” It’s going to be a hard fight with constant vigilance and phones ringing off the hook to oppose someone are very hard to ignore.

    • Anonymous

      Could you suggest a script? I want to make those calls but struggle with what to say/how to say it.

      • Anon

        Here’s what I did yesterday for my representatives, but I’m going to be a bit harsher when I call Ryan:

        “My name is ___ and I’m a constituent from [city]. I’m calling to urge Representative ___ to do everything he/she can to oppose Steve Bannon in Donald Trump’s White House.”

        Short and sweet. For Ryan, I’m planning on the same intro and then “I’m calling to urge Representative Ryan to protect his reputation and the country by opposing Steve Bannon, an avowed white nationalist, as Trump’s chief strategist.”

        • emeralds

          Just called my Senators and Representative on my lunch break using this script. They said they’d been getting a lot of calls about Bannon, so let’s keep up the good work, ladies! Thank you so much for the script, Anon at 10:57.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s all going to be OK, but Trump can hire anyone he wants for that role. I’d focus on Cabinet picks and policy issues, where your reps and Senators can exert meaningful change.

        • Anon

          +1. There is no way we should let someone as objectionable as Bannon get a free pass, especially when enough pressure might actually lead to him getting replaced. It’s harder to find someone for Sec of State than it is for chief strategist.

          • emeralds

            I’m sure that my individual voice doesn’t carry any weight, but my congressmen’s offices said they’d been getting a lot of calls about Bannon today. Also…it’s one tiny thing that I can do that can only help. Calling all three took 10 minutes, inclusive of the time to look up phone numbers. There’s no reason not to.

            Opposing Bannon should be a bipartisan issue. He’s a monster.

      • Bathtime

        He seemed SO wishy washy on 60 Minutes though. I think he will listen to some things.

    • Annon

      I have this queued up for lunch. And I’ve asked several friends to do it too
      And I plan to repeat for all objectionable appointments

      • Annon

        And done. Excellent use of ten minutes and so much more effective than an online petition.

    • Yup

      For those of us in DC who have no elected representatives, are there any calls we can make that would help?

    • anne-on

      Excellent reminder – just called my senators and representative, took about 3 minutes, tops.

      • Famouscait

        I just dd this as well and it felt SO GOOD. I actually programmed my 2 Senators, 1 Rep, Speaker Ryan and Maj. Leader McConnell into my phone to make calling easy in the future. I would like to make a habit of this.

    • Long Time Dem in Orange County CA which Voted for Hillary!

      Thanks for the suggestion. I just called my Representative to state my opposition to Bannon and also to ask his position on Paul Ryan’s plan to phase out Medicare (he couldn’t say) and to state my opposition to that as well/ It felt good to DO something. The horror and frustration has been bubbling up inside of me and I need to take action to deal with it.

  29. Anonymous

    On the topic of Trump and family… hopefully I won’t get too roasted for this, but my husband voted for Trump. And it’s really breaking my heart. I’m just trying to figure out how to move past it. And it feels like too small a thing to go to therapy about, but it’s weighing on me. I’ve always known we have different political views, which I can respect and understand, and when that meant he voted for Romney, I might not have loved it, but I respected where he was coming from. It just feels… different this time around. Anyone else going through this and navigating it more gracefully than I am?

    • X

      Honestly, I have a friend who voted for Trump and I’m considering ending the relationship. There have been other issues. Her defense for voting is that she thinks he’ll be a good president and he’s not racist because black people voted for him.

      But I don’t think I can even speak to her, until she denounces the hate crime in his name. This article says what I want her to do much more eloquently than I could:
      https://medium.com/@jessicashortall/voted-for-trump-i-have-only-one-plea-7d5994c7a3d1#.qwhl0dmyz

      Her birthday’s next month and I’m considering taking my cues from John Oliver and donating to the Southern Poverty Law Center or the Mexican American Legal Defense and Education Fund or even Emily’s List in her name.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t think it’s too small a thing to go to therapy about. As you said, this isn’t just a vote for a Republican who has different views on policy. It’s a vote for a man who has said some very bigoted and sexist things, bragged about sexually assaulting women and made a white nationalist one of his top advisors. Even if your husband doesn’t share those views, he condoned them with his vote. I would really be struggling with this too.

    • AIMS

      I have a friend whose husband voted for Johnson and she’s upset about it. They’re in NY so it “didn’t matter” but it still feels like a betrayal. Mr. AIMS and I are more or less on the same page politically but when I say that I think she lost because of s*xism he agrees but then will say, ‘yes, but….” and it kills me that he doesn’t really get it. This is all to say that I get why you’re upset and I certainly hope no one takes an issue with your right to be upset or your husband’s right to vote for he who shall not be named.

      Maybe it would help to explain to him why you are upset? And preface it with the fact that you just want him to listen, not argue. Maybe it would also help to try to understand his vote? Is there some issue he really cares about like the Supreme Court that caused him to overlook the other issues?

      On a related note, there’s a great podcast called Hidden Brain that had an episode a while back on implicit bias in politics, which I highly recommend to anyone thinking about these things and having these conversations. Malcolm Gladwell talked about something similar recently. But basically it’s about how we are socialized for women to be “nice” and for leaders to be “strong” and female leaders throw that all off so you are left with “strong but unlikeable” or “likeable but incompetent.” They talk about some experiments where this is actually established and it’s pretty amazing. The hidden brain episode is called Men 44 Women 0. It’s obviously pre-election, since it’s Men 45 now. The odds of that, by the way, if women had always had the right to vote, would be one in 18 trillion, if I recall correctly. Talk about depressing.

      • Anonymous

        The odds of 45 male presidents in a row are 1 in 35 trillion if it were equally likely for a man or woman to become president.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yeah. Lovely Husband changed his registration from Republican to Democrat when Trump was nominated, and voted for Hillary, but he’s like Mr. AIMS in that he glazes over a little bit when I rant about how Hillary lost because of sexism.

        I think this is a plenty good reason to go to therapy!

        Fun fact that is in fact not fun at all: I am almost certain my therapist voted for Trump and I may have to break up with him after 11 years over it.

        • anon senior doc

          Really? Why is that, Senior Attorney? I’ve come to really admire you and your opinions. As a therapist, I would not talk about my politics – it’s a boundary and breach of ethics issue – yet, I would think that my time with a patient would be sufficient to maintain a relationship. We are also required to get CEU in diversity training which helps up address such matters. That is, unless your therapist has challenged and criticized your positions. Wouldn’t your thoughts and feelings be grist for a session?

          • Anonymous

            Therapy for 11 years? It might be time to break up for a couple of reasons.

          • Senior Attorney

            Heh there’s that, too. (Even though I realize this is probably just snark…)

          • ELS

            I’m not Senior Attorney, but I am a patient who would break up with my therapist for this reason. Let me explain.

            For me, as well as for many others, the hate-filled platform and rhetoric that have been Trump’s platform wouldn’t make me feel safe with my therapist if I knew s/he had voted for him. Mike Pence has a similar history of misogyny, and hatred of LGBTQ people. These issues were pretty front and center throughout the campaign, and Trump has gone on to appoint a white nationalist/leader of the alt-right to be his chief advisor. I could not feel safe with my therapist if I knew s/he had voted for that, and overlooked these issues, and thought they were acceptable.

            That said, I would not expect my therapist to tell me who s/he voted for. I would not “break up” with my therapist for being a different political party than I am. But I wouldn’t be OK still confiding so intimately with someone who aligned himself or herself with Trump. It would be a matter of trust.

        • Senior Attorney

          Yeah but it’s complicated. We’ve been together for a very long time and I know things about him that make a Trump vote a pretty safe assumption, and we have butted heads before on the issue of his privilege and my feminist rage and this may well be the dealbreaker, which is sad but honestly I’m done. It’s his job to support me, not my job to drag him into the 21st Century.

          • Sloan Sabbith

            My therapist totally broke the therapist-client boundaries last week (and honestly, I’m really glad she did- on Thursday, what I needed was human connection, not just talking about how scared /I/ am). We talked for about half an hour over the phone about how scared we both are, and it felt better to hear someone else who I could be 100%, totally honest with felt the same.

            I would break up in a heartbeat with a therapist (or doctor, or friend, or family member, or LITERALLY ANYONE who knows me) if they voted for Trump.

        • WestCoast Lawyer

          I have a few Republican friends who changed their registration recently. I was originally hopeful that this would send a strong message to the party, but now I’m wondering if it be better to stay. I don’t feel like I can do much good since I’m a registered Democrat in strong blue state, but I feel like if I were a lifelong registered Republican and called up my representative or anyone else in the Republican party they would be more likely to take what I had to say seriously. Also, if all the reasonable Republicans leave the party there is less of a counterbalance to the more extremist elements.

    • Anonymous

      How often are you doing it? Docs say optimal rate is every other day during ovulation. You don’t need to be gardening 3 times a day to get knocked up.

    • Brunchaholic

      I have a close friend dealing with something similar and she and her SO have just been having a really hard time. I suggested a book exchange – she select a book about abortion laws or gender bias or mass incarceration and in exchange she agrees to read any book of his choosing to better educate herself on his issues of concern – foreign policy, economics. I can’t say whether it’s helped, but my theory was that the act of kindness of committing the time to even read the book would be a valuable gesture in reminding the other person that you care about them and that you’re committed to understanding their viewpoint.

      • OP with a Trump-voting husband

        I really love this idea. Thank you for the suggestion.

      • Sydney Bristow

        That’s a great idea. I’m going to suggest it with my sister’s fiancé who voted for Trump. We haven’t really been able to discuss our disagreement explicitly but maybe having a book to rely on could help.

    • Anonymous

      It’s not too small to go to therapy over. My husband leans more right than me and I can’t even imagine my life if he voted for trump. Your husband is either stupid, racist, or sexist and I’d want to know which.

      Before people jump on me (hello Bridget) spare me the “you need to understand them.” I have spent hours upon hours reading the other side. I concede that there is a difference between the coal miner living on 15k a year who needs to put his family before human rights because it is a matter of food on the table. Still not thrilled about it but would understand it. I have no room in my life for the middle class white guy who just didn’t want a woman president, or wanted a tax break. I get to judge you for that if you put a tax break above the civil rights, and maybe lives, of your fellow Americans.

      • anon

        Seriously stop hating on Bridget. I totally agree with you, but there’s no need for personal attacks.

    • ANP

      Solidarity, my friend. My husband also voted Trump and I’m heartsick about it. We’ve had some knock-down, drag-out fights since Election Day — our politics have always been opposite, but I didn’t feel about McCain or Romney the way I feel about Donald Trump.

      I’m trying to take things one day at a time. We’ve discussed counseling. I just don’t know how I can move forward from this, regardless of what miracles a therapist can work.

      I will say that he did apologize to me for voting Trump (in our swing state! Gah!) on Thursday. He has major religious objections to voting for a pro-choice candidate, and he said he realizes now he just shouldn’t have voted. This is not necessarily my preferred outcome but I do believe it’s a baby step in the right direction. Some of it is just extreme political apathy…he’s not on social media and hasn’t taken the time to educate himself on a lot of the bigger issues of this campaign. So I’m working on having those conversations with him.

      All of this is to say: big hugs. I’m heartbroken too, so at least you’re not alone.

      • AIMS

        I’m curious: did you know he would be voting for Trump before the election? Is it more of an issue because he won?

        • Anonymous

          Yeah, same question – would you feel as heartsick about it if we were waiting for President Clinton’s inauguration? I’m having a hard time separating these issues just because these husband’s fell in a greater majority than we all thought could have possibly existed…

      • OP with a Trump-voting husband

        ANP – Thank you so much. This is probably a weird coincidence but my husband isn’t on social media at all either. I often wonder if that limits his exposure and capacity for empathy because of how small his bubble can be. Big hugs to you.

    • C. Ham

      I’m not married, but my sister voted for Trump and I’m completely heartsick about it. We haven’t talked in over a week. No tips, just solidarity.

    • Lillers

      Mine did too and so did my in-laws. The main reason they voted for Trump is because they are one-issue pro-life voters. I know that issue is super important to them, but I don’t think my husband knew how strongly I felt until I was crying in bed after I found out Trump won. Seeing my reaction helped him realize the kind of world I envision living in under a Trump presidency (much different than he [white successful male] was envisioning). I can handle things with my husband because he truly does try to understand my perspective, but I told him if my in-laws bring up one thing about politics over Thanksgiving, I will leave.

      I can’t say everything is peachy in our household and honestly we avoid talking about politics because it is so divisive for us. I struggle knowing he supports someone with those viewpoints but I still love him. I don’t have any tips, but I can commiserate with you.

  30. Baby Name Help!

    I’m hoping that this group might have some good recommendations – I’m due with a baby girl in about 2 weeks and we had decided on the name Louisa since we found out it was a girl, but hadn’t told anyone that was the name we chose. Now a close family friend just had her baby last night and announced the name is …. Louisa! The girls will be so close in age, in the same grade at the same school, and will be at tons of holidays together – there’s no way they can have the same name. So it’s back to the drawing board for us!

    I liked Louisa because it seemed to fit with the current trendy names (Olivia, Sophia, Emma, Isla, Lila, etc.) without being so common that a ton of girls would have it. I liked that there were cute nicknames for when she’s a toddler, but was classic enough that I could picture a CEO / Supreme Court Justice with the name Louisa. My family tends to like really out there names, so they aren’t much help and they don’t really get that I want something pretty and girly but classic enough that it works on an adult woman with a career!

    Do you have any good recommendations you can toss out? We thought we had this settled for so long and she could realistically be here any day now, so I can’t believe we’re back at the beginning! And Nameberry completely overwhelms me!

    • Emmer

      What about Eliza and you can call her Liza? Has a similar sound/feel to it, I think.

    • Erin S

      I am completely biased because I have a daughter named Violet, but I love the name. :) We do not know any other Violets, I don’t think it’s a super popular name right now, but it’s also not totally out there that if you saw the name you wouldn’t know how to pronounce it. I think it kind of fits in with those old, classic names that are becoming more popular.

      Also, I know you said that Louisa is no longer an option, but might I suggest reconsidering it since that’s the name you loved and you had already decided upon?

      • Anon

        I wrote below about my daughter Rosemary. Her best pal in preschool was Violet! I always loved those names together. So timeless.

        • Erin S

          Anon, agree! Rosemary is a beautiful name, I love the classic, timeless names!

    • Cb

      Louisa is lovely! What about Eloise or Hazel? Or Samantha – no particular reason but that’s top of my someday baby list.

    • Anonymous

      I would still name her Louisa, if it were me. If you love the name, go with it. That family could move away in a year. Or y’all could. Stick with the name you love!

      • Shopaholic

        +1 – my parents went through the same thing, family friends had a daughter a few months before I was born, they named her the name my parents were considering. My parents decided to name me something else, the family moved away a year or two later and I don’t know them at all.

      • Baby Name Help!

        I thought about it, but they’re close enough that they’ll likely always be in our lives. It’s the sort of thing where the grandparents are best friends, our parents grew up together, we grew up together, etc. We spend Christmases together, vacation with extended families, and the girls will basically be like cousins even though they aren’t technically related. I can’t imagine having the same name as a “cousin” who is 2 weeks older than I am.

      • Anon

        + a million.

        There is not “no way” they can have the same name. Being in the same school/classes/events and having the same name? Not a big deal.

        Signed,
        A Kate/Katie/Katherine/Catherine/Caitlin type name, who grew up in New England in the 80s. No less than 5 of us per class. I’m not scarred.

      • Anonymous

        There is a chance my BFF and I are going to end up with baby girls two months apart in age with the same name. Neither of us know our babies gender (we will both find out when they arrive!) and we were playing the well what letter does your girl’s name start with game. Turns out we independently picked the same name with the same inspiration. whoops. We live a couple of hours apart, but if we both have girls, they will have the same first name (not middle – we checked!).

        That said, what about Hannah, Amelia, or Jane?

      • Names

        Our best friends (we have a similar shared history – with some even closer connections – our husbands lived together in high school for a while after a family move) named their son the same thing as we named our son – we both have compelling family reasons for the name. We own houses next to each other, and the kids even share a nanny. We’ve had great fun with it – they have shirts, you’ll find yourself saying things like “here come the [kids’ name]s.” For ease, the nanny refers to one (my son) by his full name, and the other by a shortened form. The other mom still calls her son by the full name, and so who knows what will stick at this point. They also have nicknames for the other one, which – ironically – is not their name, but is the same word.

    • Anon

      I like the names Eleanor, Rosemary and Ivy.

      My daughter is Rosemary and it has worked out well. Everyone knows the name, everyone can spell it (other than the occasional Rosemarie) and she the only Rosemary in her school.

      • ITDS

        Ha ha. I was reading quickly and saw Eleanor, Rosemary and Irv. Irv seemed like a pretty original choice for a girl.

      • ORD

        I love the name Ivy. I would’ve picked it if I had another daughter; it was my DH’s grandmother’s name. Other family names I liked were Eleanor, Sarah, and Leona.

        • ORD

          And p.s. on Leona — it means “lioness,” and can have the nickname “Lee.” Cute, a bit old-fashioned.

      • Anonypotamous

        My friend has a daughter named Eleanor, but goes by Lennie. I think it’s cute.

    • Anon

      How about Katherine or Elizabeth? Classic, but not as popular now as they once were so they wouldn’t be just two more girls with those names. I’m sorry about Louisa, although if it’s the name you truly love, I would stick with it and give your friend a heads-up. The girls will probably have different nicknames.

      • Eleanor

        My two favorites! Also, Eleanor (Roosevelt, of Aquitaine) obviously, and Rebecca.

    • yellow

      My two favorites! Also, Eleanor (Roosevelt, of Aquitaine) obviously, and Rebecca.

    • AIMS

      Amelia (“emmy” when little)
      Emily
      Lara
      Maya
      Isadora (“dora,” izzy”)
      Octavia (“tavi”)
      Nina
      Lidia
      ….
      Or if you want something really versatile what about a classic name like Alexandra? I feel like you rarely meet too many of those, it’s never too trendy or unfashionable, it’s stood the test of time…

    • An

      Oh no, good luck! It’s fun attempting to name someone else’s baby – here are a few that come to mind: Eloise, Louella (may be super regional), Frances, Alice, Lydia, Amelia, Emmeline, Carolina, Maeve, Vera, Clara, Annalise. I think that you can still probably use Louisa though, if you love it.

        • Senior Attorney

          +1 for Alice

          Alice in Wonderland, Alice B. Toklas, Alice Roosevelt Longworth, Alice Cooper, Alice Walker…

      • AIMS

        Clara is a good one! Forgot about Clara. Annalise or Annalisa has a very similar sound to me as Louisa. Love Loeulla too although I think it might be less classic sounding if that’s what OP was going for.

        • Names

          Not OP. I love the name Annalise but when I proposed it as a name my husband informed me that a poor girl in his high school was mercilessly teased for that name. He went to a non-US English speaking school. The girl’s name only had one n and she was nicknamed by the bullies anal-ease. Which is apparently the name of a lube for doing butt stuff.

      • January

        I used to love Lydia, but someone in college pointed out that it rhymes with a certain disease, and I wouldn’t use it for that reason.

    • Kate the Lurker

      I’ve always like Elinor. It’s old-fashioned but classic, and this spelling is more streamlined that Eleanor, and you can shorten it to Ellie. It also hasn’t been in the Social Security Administrations top 1000 names list since 2000. I also like Tamara, with the nickname of Tam. That’s on the SSA lists, but it’s never been higher than 374 in 2002.

      • Anonymous

        Just be wary because little Elinor will end up spelling her name to people for the rest of her life.

        Signed, someone who has a unique spelling and hates it

    • Anonymous

      Is Isla really that common? That’s a lovely one. Amelia and Lydia have a similar feel.

      I have an Abigail, named after Abigail Adams.

      Or just name her Louisa, and call both girls by first name + middle name when they are together.

      • AIMS

        In that case, I vote Louisa May.

        Love Abigail. Margaret is another one I like. Maggie, Margie, Meg, Peg…

    • Anon

      Are you the same person who posted a few weeks ago for baby name advice and you wanted use the nickname Lulu? You can always start backwards from that – names like Lucia (lu-SEE-ah), Lula, Layla, Eloise, Lucinda, Tallulah. . .

      • Sydney Bristow

        A friend named her baby Lucy, which I think is adorable. Lulu as a nickname works for that name.

        I’ve always had close friends with my same name. Not a really big deal and people can adapt to it. We all had slightly different nicknames. So I support you if you want to stick with Louisa.

      • Anon

        My niece Emma’s nickname is LuLu. It just evolved (Emma->Emmy->EmmyLou->LuLu). I know a Mary whose nickname is Maggie. I don’t think you can really choose a nickname at birth. Nicknames just sort of fall into place over time.

    • EB0220

      I like classic names too. Names on our lists (2 girls) were: Hazel, Julia, Elise, Alice, Claire, Ann, Kathryn, Elizabeth. That being said, I think I would stick with the name unless you find another you really like. It’s completely fine to call the girls “Louisa C” and “Louisa M” or “Louisa Ann” and “Louisa Jane” or “Isa” and “Lou”.

      • Senior Attorney

        I love the idea of two little Louisas who go by their first and middle names. And yes, I totally vote for “Louisa May!”

    • Anony

      Some other ideas for classic, powerful, but not overwhelmingly popular names (inspired by accomplished female authors…):

      Harriet
      Virginia
      Margaret
      Charlotte
      Edith
      Nora
      Elena
      Florence

    • Anony

      Florence
      Harriet
      Elena
      Edith
      Margaret
      Virginia
      Charlotte
      Nora
      Shirley
      Simone (might be popular this year post-Rio olympics)
      Marta

      • Anony

        Sorry for the double post, I guess my first post went into moderation.. I wonder what triggered it.

    • Flapper at heart

      Annabel, Eliza, Hazel, Mae (Mazie!), Alice, Elise, Margot, Clementine, Rose, June (c’mon, Junebug?!), Jane, Joanna (love Jo), Lucia

    • Yup

      I like Maeve. As for other names already mentioned, I think Violet and Fiona are lovely.

    • NOVA Anon

      I agree with you re wanting a unique name for your little girl. If I was naming a little girl right now, I’d pick Margaret and call her Maggie. :) I’m also a huge fan of Elizabeth, which has many nicknames. FWIW, I have an interesting but hard-to-pronounce name. I generally love it, but also get frustrated correcting people, and even more frustrated when my managers get fixated on a wrong pronunciation, and I can’t shake them of it.

    • anon anon armani

      Victoria (vicki)

      Genevieve (jenny)

      Remember the thread in the past about us nicknamed gals trying to get families etc. to accept us as adults with our full/formal given name ….

    • Anonymous

      Could you mine your favorite books for ideas? Louisa (and many names mentioned in comments above) is a character from a Jane Austen novel. Lots of great, classic sounding names there: Jane, Elizabeth, Mary, Catherine (Kitty), Lydia, Charlotte, Caroline, Elinor, Marianne, Margaret, Lucy, Emma, Harriet, Anne, Sophia, Louisa, Henrietta, Frances (Fanny), Maria, Julia, Isabella, Eleanor…

    • Anonymous

      Since you sound set on choosing another name, I’d go with a name that is similar.

      If you like the “Lou” in Louisa, either Lucy/Lucille, Luella, or Talullah are cute.

      If you like the soft “uh” ending, there’s Stella, Etta, Isadora, Matilda, Sonia, or Jemima.

      What did you like best about Louisa?

    • LHW

      What about Lucy, similar to Louisa? I also love, Ruby, Rose, Emma and Grace. I also love the name Layne.

    • Anonymous

      I work with older donors a lot. Here are my favorite “traditional” but not all that common female names that need to make a come back.

      Dorothy
      Florence
      Josephine
      Vivian
      Alma
      Adelaide
      Eugenia
      Concetta
      Letha
      Glenna
      Pearl
      Iona
      Leota
      Melva
      Augusta
      Ruby
      Adeline
      Viola
      Leona
      Genevieve
      Hilda
      Naomi
      Madeline
      Mae
      Ada
      Cora
      Bette
      Henrietta

    • Anon 4 this

      Hasn’t been mentioned yet, so I’ll throw it in–

      our kiddo is named Ruth, for RBG. We call her Ruthie now, because Ruth is kind of a big name for a tiny person.

      Other classic names I love:

      Clementine (Clemmie)
      Naomi
      Joanna
      Susanna
      Daphne (I love this one but got vetoed)
      Cassandra
      Margaret (I just met someone very sophisticated who goes by “Mags”)
      Stella

      • Sloan Sabbith

        To be totally fair, my first thought with Daphne is that people would call her Daffy. Sorry…

    • anon

      The top of our baby list name was Evelyn. Lovely grown up sounding name, but can have the cute nickname of Evie too. I’ve always loved my great-grandmother’s name Rosalie. Like that, I know someone who just named her daughter Rosamund (classic Shakespeare).

  31. Erin S

    Good morning ladies – I have a budgeting question. Currently, I use mint (which I am really happy with) and I am also extremely old school and I balance a checkbook. Aside from being a longstanding habit, the reason I use a checkbook is because it allows me to account for future, but known expenses. For example at the beginning of the month, I can account for all of our fixed expenses that I know will be coming for the month. I can’t do that with mint since mint only does transactions as they occur, in other words, on December 1 mint will not account for the 100 dollar utility bill coming out on December 15 until December 15.

    I am ready to give up the checkbook balancing (finally!) and move to something electronic. Is there any sort of program out there that will account for future, but known expenses? I still plan to use mint but I want to use something in conjunction with mint. Thanks for any advice!

      • Erin S

        Anon, I definitely could create a spreadsheet. I’m not super excel savvy but I think I could do it. I was just wondering if there was an online program that might be easier!

        • CountC

          I have used an Excel Spreadsheet for over a decade. It’s really only summation for the equations that are necessary. Each month gets a tab and I label it with the month and year. Once you set up the first tab it’s just copying and pasting over to the next month and entering new numbers. It’s really easy and I like that I have to enter in the numbers myself – helps keep my accountable! :)

    • YNAB

      You Need A Budget is exactly built for what you’re looking for. It’s a zero-based envelope style budgeting tool and it’s totally fantastic. Can’t recommend it highly enough. I use the classic version but there is also a web based version.

      • CMT

        + a million to YNAB. It’s the only thing that I’ve been able to use consistently. (Although this is not OP’s problem.) But they’ve rolled out a bunch of features in the web-based version that were missing, so I think it’s definitely worth a try. And you can get a free trial.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to YNAB. Definitely give it a try. It’s possible it will replace both your check book and MINT.

        Though I fully admit to still using Quicken for cashflow purposes, as well as tracking my 401k investment stuff and asset/loan information. So, I’m still doing some double entry that’s not strictly necessary.

    • AZCPA

      Are you using the budgeting portions of Mint or just the transactional piece? That, and maybe add in Mint Bills?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      You can teach Mint all of your upcoming bills and it will list them in the bottom right of your log in screen. I use that. I can check my balance and then subtract what I see there. The only thing to watch out for is pending transactions in debit accounts. Those do not show up in Mint but do show up if I log in to my bank. Since I try to always keep a 1k buffer, the pending daily transactions don’t make that huge of a difference.

  32. TV Probz

    I am the poster who complained about the TV show Transparent this weekend (in short, all the critics say it is such a great show but I can’t stand any of the characters, especially the siblings)

    The TV gods have gotten even with me. The Transparent theme song has been stuck in my head for two days.

    • Senior Attorney

      HAHA!

      Me personally, I’ve had REM’s The End of the World As We Know It in my head since last Wednesday…

    • Anonymous

      Funny. I was the poster that said I liked Transparent, and for the life of me I can’t remember the song….

      Maybe it’s telling you to watch it again. I liked it more the second time.

  33. Anonymous

    I’m organizing a charity fundraising event for the first time. My committee of intrepid volunteers do not want to help with sponsorships. Only 1 other person has made any efforts to make follow up calls or send emails to previous sponsors. The bulk of the work is falling on me, while everyone else is more concerned with the food, the ambiance, the decorations, and other logistics.

    The purpose of the event is fundraising for a nonprofit. I’m frustrated we won’t raise as much as in previous years. Last year, the “annual” event didn’t happen because no one stepped up to organize it, so the event has fallen off many people’s radar.

    Suggestions to motivate my volunteers? I know some people don’t feel comfortable asking for money. I also feel I can’t demand too much out of volunteers for fear they will out and out quit. The event is only a few weeks away, and I’d like to do a “last push” for sponsors-if I get help. I can’t do it all alone.

    • Anonymous

      Give volunteers everything they would need to make the call: phone number, name of contact person, and suggested script. And then try to remind them what you’re all there by emphasizing the mission of the charity and showing them what the proceeds of fundraising go toward.

    • SW

      Have you given them a script or email template? I find that people are much more willing to make calls or send emails when they know exactly what to say. You also might have some sort of contest or prize for the volunteer who brings in the most sponsorships.

    • Anonymous

      Did these people specifically volunteer to solicit sponsors, or did they just volunteer to be on the committee expecting to work on planning and logistics? I detest asking people for money, or anything else for that matter. If I’d volunteered to help coordinate an event thinking I would be in charge of buying balloons or making a website or setting up tables, I’d be livid if I were expected to call people and ask them for money.

    • Anonymous

      OP responding: I tried giving a list of 10 people to contact and supplying scripts, but as Anonymous @ 11:22 indicated, several volunteers share your opinion of not wanting to ask for money.

      I am new to this committee. I stepped up after the event didn’t happen last year, and the other volunteers (except 1, a friend who joined with me) are returning members.

      I suspect the solution for long term planning is to get more people who are willing to solicit sponsorships. In the short term, I like the idea of a last minute push for sponsorships with a prize for the person who gets the most. I don’t want to pressure people, however.

    • An

      People hate calling people up and asking for money – and rightly so. I think you probably need to look at changing how fundraising is done if you want it to be more successful in the future. Is the fundraising intended to be used to pay for the event or for something else?

    • Anonymous

      I try to stick to the mission. Presumably these volunteers care about the mission or they wouldn’t be volunteering.

      Also- specific goals make a big difference. And if someone doesn’t want to call, let them send letters. I used to ask team members to ask every restaurant/hair salon/grocery story/etc. they went to for a gift card to donate to an auction.

      People like a reward – consider offering extra event tickets to whoever gets the most money raised or lunch or something similar. The good thing about offering free tickets is presumably the people who get the extra ticket will spend money at the event (auction, raffle, donation box, etc.) or will at least meet a ‘friend raising’ even if not a ‘fundraising’ function.

      Stay positive and make it sound fund. Send an email (or say in a meeting) stating something like the Women clients of XYZ Non profit are depending on us to hit our goal of $X so they can [insert program/service/outcome]. To meet this goal, all of us need to have an individual goal of $Y by this date. To meet this goal, I’ve done the following: [list]. Here are ideas for you: [list]. I’ll touch base with each of you individually in a week to see how much progress we’ve made!

      • Violet

        List what needs to be done, get the committee to sign up for those things, encourage those who aren’t keen but will pick up slack. If no one else is keen delegate everything else and you do the calling/contacting as your role. Also, brainstorm other ways to raise funds at the event–silent auctions and raffles always seem to work well if you can get donated contributions. Good luck!

  34. Charity Miles

    I hope this isn’t too late for people to see it, but given all the comments on here about donating to charity following the election, I wanted to put in a quick plug for the Charity Miles app. I don’t have any affiliation with it other than as a happy user. It tracks your miles walked, run, or biked and donates them to a charity you pick from a healthy variety of options. (All at no cost to you – the app is free and the donations come from sponsors.)

    • New Tampanian

      Don’t forget “Smile” with Amazon. Allows a percentage of all your purchases to go towards a charity of your choice. I have mine set to go to an animal shelter I used to work with.

  35. Ahhhhh

    Are navy and black separates too close in color to wear together? (Navy blazer and black pants.) I just ordered a navy suit, but the pants are way too big and the only pants I’ve got are black. And I have an interview in two and a half hours.

    • anon

      I wear navy and black together all the time. Some people say you can only do it if the navy is less dark and more blue, so they look obviously different, but I don’t care. I think navy and black look chic together.

      • anon

        Oops, but just saw this was for an interview. Disregard. For an interview, I suppose I’d belt the navy pants as well.

      • Anonymous

        I think the only time navy and black are good together is if the blue is obviously a very different shade from the black, and not trying to match.

  36. Anon

    Good paper planner recommendations? I’ve had Erin Condren for a couple of years but don’t necessarily feel the price is worth it to me. Looking to spend $20 or so…

    • Carrots

      How detailed are you looking for? I don’t need an hour by hour breakdown of my day, so I really Sugar Paper from Target that I found because it gives one page that has different to-do lists (to-do, to call, to email, to buy, etc.) and then a general weekly page.

      • Sloan Sabbith

        Hated this planner. Wanted to love it, but the stupid pages kept falling out/being pulled out when I wrote on them and the discs were uncomfortable when I was writing on the far right side of the left side of the page and aurghhh, I have strong feelings about how much this planner irritated me. I see how people would love it- it speaks to my tendencies to want a planner to have everything I want in it and be super organized, but the actual planner part made me want to throw it across the room.

  37. Anon

    I have a question about making donations to places like Planned Parenthood/etc in someone else’s name. When you do that, do you give the organization your real name/address so that they can follow up with you in the future?

    While it might feel good to shame Mike Pence a little bit, as a former non-profit employee, I can only imagine what a nightmare it would be to receive tons of donations from people and then have no idea who they really were. Non-profits really need that data on who/where their donors are in order to plan for the future and build a solid fundraising base.

    • CMT

      Yeah, I think you do. Especially if you’re doing it with a credit card, they need that info. I donated to PP on behalf of Hillary the day after and I remember putting all of my info in their, too. And they sent me an email.

    • Anonymous

      I work for a nonprofit that gets a lot of credit card donations. We always collect the information of the donor even if the donation is in someone else’s name. The donations are not anonymous.

    • EB0220

      Yes, for PP at least they get your information and then you put Pence’s name (or whoever) into the “in honor of” section.

    • Anon

      I donated in Mike Pence’s name and put my own info down. We re upping our donations next year to support organizations that will be negatively impacted by Trump so I am fine with them hitting me up in the future. Plus I want the tax deduction.

  38. Blonde Lawyer

    It’s usually “in honor of” or “in memory of” not as if they were the one actually making the donation. You still get the tax write off too, not them.

  39. CoolSculpting?

    Have any of you had this procedure and, if so, would you be willing to share your experience? Based on what I’ve read I likely would be a good candidate (I’m in relatively good shape with small areas of fat that I just. cannot. lose). Obviously I would discuss it with my physician before having the procedure done. I’m just looking for success stories or warnings. Thank you in advance!

    • AZCPA

      I have done it, but I wouldn’t do it again. It is pretty painless (the worst part is when the procedure is over and your frozen area starts to warm up again – the pins and needles feeling is intense). but my treatment area (thighs) didn’t respond well at all. If your fat is in your stomach, you will have much better success. Look into Exilis as well if you are considering a minor spot treatment for fat, my body was much more responsive to that.

      • CoolSculpting?

        Thank you both! My stomach is (fortunately?) the problem area. I will check out the video.

  40. Anon for this

    I’m TTC and for the first time in my life I’m getting yeast infections monthly. I’m trying to rule out things like fabric softener etc but it is most likely just the increased bedroom activity. This month’s YI is requiring 2 Diflucan to go away. My doc wants me to start taking it preemptively in the coming months before we have increased sex during ovulation week. I’m worried about building a resistance at this rate and getting some kind of super yeast. She assures me that lots of women have to take meds proactively but I’m just at a loss at what is causing this. I went off the pill in January and start getting YI after ovulation the last three months. Ugh.

    • Anonymous

      I get yeast infections from lube.

      Also, your husband could also have a yeast infection and be passing it to you. He should be treated too.

    • Anonymous

      I would also add probiotics, go to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY before and after activities, and make sure you are wiping front to back.

    • Anonymous

      Too much moisture, possibly? I cannot sleep with underwear on or wear pantyhose (I need stockings or the cr*tchless kind).

      • Violet

        Lots of good points mentioned already. As someone with allergies to pretty much anything in the fungi kingdom, to which yeast belongs, coconut contains lauric acid and caprylic acid both of which k*ill yeast. Take it internally (water, coconut butter, oil) and externally will help. Good luck!

    • Anon 4 this

      I have this issue and have found that the following procedure keeps em at bay:

      1) 2 caps femdophilius (available on amazon) immediately after
      2) one cap every day as preventative
      3) a literal gob of coconut oil placed where a tampon would go immediately after

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