Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: Refined Knit Dress

326 Comments

1. How do you “cut off” with your sexual partners. I have just started a serious relationship with a man I have never had sex with. Right now, I have 4 sex partners, and one of them is my direct superior. And my new boyfriend still don’t know that I have these sex partners. I want to cut off with them, but I don’t know how, especially the one who is my superior. Any tips?
   Sorry it’s a bit shameful for me to ask this. I hope I can find some good advice here.

   1. “Ben, this has been fun, but it’s time for me to move on. Best of luck!”

      I assume you’re a troll, because it’s really very simple. If you can’t figure this out, stop having relationships and work on yourself.

   2. In case this is a real question, I think talking to a therapist may be very beneficial for you. I don’t think advice from the comments section of a blog can help you learn to deal with this situation, you probably already know what to do but for whatever reason are unable to do it.

   3. you are going to get some weird comments, but as someone who has been on both sides of this convo,there are two modes. For the occasional hook up text ones, you say nothing until they text again and then do a hey, started seeing someone so no go. For the more regular ones – Hey, we have been having a ton of fun, but I’ve met someone that I think could be in for the long haul and want to give it a real try. I need to put this on pause while I give this all my attention for now, I’m sure you understand. And leave it at that. I’ve never had a true negative reaction to either of those unless the partner thought things were more serious than they were.

      1. +1 – this advice is perfect.

         Also, I don’t think you should be ashamed of this. I love s#x and wish I was having more of it! Definitely don’t feel bad for taking care of that need.

   4. Hi Troll!

2. Kat, I totally LOVE this PINK Nordstrom dress, and the manageing partner and the judge both love me in red, so I think I can get approval for some of these (though NO slacks) especially the PEPLUM Blazer, which I have put on my March splurge list for Spring! YAY! I will ask the manageing partner today, b/c I worked all weekend to complete my billings for Febuary. Since this is a short month, I only billed 613 hours, but that is the number the manageing partner targeted for me. I remember when I was dating my ex, he always wanted me to wear pink at home, but that was for HIS benefit, not mine. These Nordstrom outfits will be for MY benefit for a change! Thank goodness I now have the time to think for myself, and NOT selfish men. FOOEY on them.

3. Everyone wore pink at the oscars! So it’s very fitting with that trend.

   1. I loved it!! Pink and velvet and sparkles. So cool.

      1. Jason Momoa not only work PINK VELVET but he also had a PINK VELVET SCRUNCHIE. All by Fendi.

         Oh, and his wife wore Fendi too.

   2. Agree. I liked all the red and pink at the oscars and i like this dress.

   3. Yeah, I’m Team No Such Thing as Too Pink!

4. Thomas Pink, has any of you tired their button down shirts? I would like to buy a couple of their shirts. But the prices seem to be relatively expensive. I’m a banker in NYC and I plan to wear these to work. And I would like to know more before I buy. How are these shirts? Do they worth the price? I need some advice and review. Huge thanks!
   Links below:
   https://www.thomaspink.com/product/womens-multi-stripe-poplin-button-cuff-shirt/47100009B1B
   https://www.thomaspink.com/product/womens-fine-stripe-poplin-button-cuff-shirt/47100018B1W

   1. Haven’t bought them in years, but when I did, they were wonderful! They laundered very well and always looked impeccable. If memory serves, they may have been a little short for my long waisted body, but otherwise, no complaints!

   2. FWIW my advice is a bit outdated. I used to buy exclusively Pink shirts until ~5 years ago when they did a whole design shift and all the colors became super monochromatic and they lost all their cool prints. I’d say the quality is pretty decent, above a Brooks Brothers, but not as good as some of the more high-end English shirtmakers. I’d probably try to get the shirts on sale, as I don’t think they’re worth more than ~$125.

      The key is going to be whether their shirts’ cut fit you because the quality difference isn’t going to be massively noticeable between British brands, but the fit will.

      1. [deleted]

         1. There were a few mentioned on the Friday thread, I think. My absolute favorite go-to right now is Grosvenor shirt company. They make one cut of women’s shirt, so if it works for you, they are great (they fit me perfectly and I am a very straight size 12 US/14 UK, B cup, neither short nor long waisted, but I have relatively broad shoulders and don’t usually do slim cuts). Their fabrics are very high end, and almost all the prints/stripes I’ve bought are actually woven into the fabric, not printed on. They also have sales where the shirts go down to ~$70 each.

            Other ones to look at: TM Lewin, Hawes and Curtis.

            Since you’re in banking, I’m not sure if you ever get the chance to go to London, but it’s well worth a stroll down Jermyn Street if so. Sadly a lot of the more niche shirtmakers don’t do women’s shirts, but all three of the brands above are on that street.

   3. Love the salmon color. My husband has a couple of these. I can vouch for the fabric quality, they have worn well. No input on fit.

   4. yes and yes

5. I need help from the hive. I have a decent chance of being promoted to partner at my biglaw firm this year. My husband is becoming increasingly demanding about moving to another state because he would prefer warmer weather for an old injury that hurts in the cold (we are in a climate like Utah). He won’t accept any alternatives like moving to a warmer state where my firm has an office (the one he wants to move to doesn’t have one), renting somewhere warm part of the year, getting a condo he/we can visit during the winter, or even me working remotely in his chosen state (says he wants us to focus our life in a new state). He isn’t currently employed and hasn’t been for 5 years despite having a graduate degree, and he certainly benefits financially from the job I have (he has 3 sports cars while I drive an old beater). He says the firm will never make me partner, but I know the drill and think I’m set up pretty well and if it’s going to happen it will be this year (although of course nothing is guaranteed). But he won’t believe me that I have a shot this year and it probably doesn’t matter because the whole argument devolves into statements like “you’re putting your career over my health” which isn’t true because I’m basically willing to try any option other than quitting my job the year I’m up for partner. Fights are getting more and more frequent and he’s becoming more threatening about it. Anyone else deal with this from a spouse? How do you handle the guilt trip when you know you’re the one making the rational decision as the sole provider?

   1. Oh girl, this is divorce territory. If you’re not there yet (and it doesn’t sound like you are), get counseling. If he won’t do marriage counseling, get you counseling. You already resent him, and it’s going to take more than agreeing on the relocation debate to fix that.

   2. Also, what do you mean by “threatening”?

   3. I don’t know you or your husband, but it seems more like he’s trying to control you or (somewhat more charitably, get you to switch to a firm in New State with better work/life balance) and if it wasn’t the weather/injury pain, it would be something else. There is no other reason I can think of for him to not even entertain the possibility of you working remotely (assuming your firm would allow that) what does focus on your life in the new state mean? Does he expect you not to work or to find a job with 40 hours so that you have nights/weekends free to explore New State? And how does he “know” that you’re not going to make partner if he’s not in the industry or even working?? What is his end goal here? I think you might benefit from individual therapy (to see if this behavior is a repeat pattern in other areas of your marital life) and couple’s therapy to get him to be open to other alternatives. In the short term, don’t engage in the conversation. Quitting your job is not up for discussion and it’s up to him to find a workable alternative.

   4. He has three sports cars and his unemployed? And he’s demanding that you quit your job for…what exactly? If his unemployed, can’t he just spend all his time inside in the winter? Does he have any sort of plan for Warm Land?

      Go for partner if you want it. Don’t go for partner if you don’t want it. Go to individual counseling ASAP to learn more about yourself.

   5. I’m stuck on how he has three sports cars while you have one old car! If that’s the pattern that’s been established in your relationship, he probably feels like your resistance about moving is some new obstinacy that requires explanation; it sounds like he is used to getting what he wants whether it makes sense or not. I don’t know why his timing is so poor, but I have to wonder if he feels intimidated by your success. But in reality, the best thing you can do for his health is make partner and turn up the thermostat!

   6. Therapy.

      How long have you been married?

      What’s his plan for money if you move? Could you say you will only move to the place he wants to move to if he finds a job there first?

   7. This sounds a lot like emotional abuse to me. I definitely agree with getting counseling. It sounds like he won’t even consider it since he seems “all about him” (really, 3 sports cars while you drive an old beater car and YOU are the breadwinner here?) It’s time to look at this situation very seriously, because he DOES NOT have your best interests at heart. Good luck to you.

   8. Emma is a tr0ll, guys.

      1. Thanks, that makes a lot more sense. Looks like BirdieMama and Anon31532 are trolls too.

         1. BirdieMama is definitely not a troll. I’m actually a long-time poster who used a different name today for that particular post. I’m sure it’s hard for some of you to fathom life in a rural area where there aren’t gyms and people have wells instead of city water. And yes, when there’s a nasty windstorm that takes out power lines, we’re the folks who are last to have their power restored. Normally, we’re better prepared for this — our primary heat source is a woodburner, but due to a recently-discovered issue with our chimney, we can’t use it. Temps yesterday morning were mid-50’s. Temps this morning? Mid-20’s. I spent last night listening to 66 mph wind gusts tearing trees down in the woods behind my house. I wish I had the luxury of working from home, but my employer doesn’t offer that little perk. Yes, believe it or not, in this day and age, there are still jobs that require you to be a$$ in seat at your desk to do your job. You can call me a troll if you want, bless your heart. I feel like one today — after washing off in about a teaspoon of water and trying to make day-old hair look fresh and pretty, and getting dressed and doing my makeup in the light from a battery-operated camp lantern. You do you, honey, but I assure you, I am a very real poster here, and I do happen to have a little bird sitting in his cage on the corner of my desk.

            Enjoy your day.

            1. I’m actually delighted to hear that you really brought your bird to work today! And I hope the situation resolves soon. It was the timing of the posts that made it feel like maybe my leg was just being pulled.

            2. +1
               I think between the “how do I cut off my supervisor as a s*x partner”, the bizarrely unequal relationship, birds at work (birds are just unusual), and the transgender potstirring below, people are on high alert for tr0lling. It’s a lot of unusual for one day and the first three posts were right out of the gate.

         2. I also frequently post as Emma & under a few other names (but not this Emma) and am definitely not a troll.

      2. So I think there was an Emma at one time that seemed to be an E l l e n spinoff but those comments read a lot like E l l e n ‘ s. – lots of caps and misspellings and over the top language. This post doesn’t read like a troll to me.

         1. This.

         2. I think it is so strange that the collective wisdom assumed a woman asking about s** was a troll but the poster who had an unemployed husband driving three sports cars while she drove a beater car was not. who would let the situation get that bad? this is just not reality.

   9. You consult with a divorce lawyer immediately to figure out how to minimize your alimony obligations, you refuse full stop to move, and you say things like “I am not moving because I have a great job I like and I’m the only one working here.”

   10. Boy BYE

   11. He doesn’t want you to work remotely from the new state? Why on earth would that not be a good compromise from his perspective?

       I’m really sorry, but the inevitable conclusion is that he doesn’t want to make this work. You decide what that information means in your relationship.

   12. I’m going to take the high road and assume you aren’t a troll trying to get women of this site to go on a “I hate men” rant (they won’t)
       Short answer: Do nothing.
       So to lay it all out:
       1) He wants you to drop your current financially and personally successful life because it’s too cold part of the year.
       2) He has not worked or contributed financially to the marriage in years but somehow has three cars and you have a beater (this is why this screams troll, the inequality is too exaggerated)
       3) He has turned down all reasonable offers.
       4) He somehow doesn’t understand that he’ll be broke as a joke with you if you leave your job and can’t find something comparable (so generally has lack of foresight).

       You list nothing here that is remedially appealing about this man as a husband. If you for some reason still insist on staying with him, literally just don’t go. Don’t quit your job, don’t agree to move. He can’t afford to go without you so all the cards are in your hands. Just keep living your life and refuse to entertain the idea. He’ll learn to live with it, accept a more reasonable alternative, or will devolve further into unreasonable requests and you’ll see you can’t live life with a person life that and will be happy and free.

       1. Eh, I could see #2 as being a real thing. Reasonable people will make concession after concession to the unreasonable person, hoping to compromise and make the unreasonable person happy. That doesn’t work, and it isn’t until s/he sees a massive mess that s/he can understand that there is a problem.

          I think the OP should talk to a divorce attorney. She is Lilley on the hook for spousal support anyway, but should look into a post-nup if she chooses to stay in the marriage.

   13. The health thing seems to be a red herring. Dude hates your job. He’s trying to get you to run away with him. He’s pushing because he’s terrified you’ll make partner and then will be locked into a lifetime of this (to him) miserable lifestyle. He’s bringing this up in a super immature way but I think it’s worth a conversation to see what his actual complaints are with you and your lifestyle.

6. Sorry to hear you are going through this….sounds like you are doing great in your career…you deserve a supportive partner, not a selfish person that insists you follow them and says you’re not going to make partner. Don’t let anyone hold you back or drag you down….stay strong.

7. Not too pink, so long as it’s not a court or new corporate client meeting day. Perhaps too knit, though.

   1. I am a natural blonde and have to be careful about this much pink because it easily transforms me into Barbie or Legally Blonde territory. But that’s mostly with people who don’t know me.

   2. If not too knit, this is my preferred pink shade — I’m a brunette though. I can’t wear the more pastel pinks b/c they blend in my skin tone (so nude territory for me).

8. After a really stressful job search that lasted over a year, I accepted a new position (yay!). I arranged my last day at current job and first day at new job so that I have a week off in between. What would you do with this week? For a variety of reasons, I’d rather not travel. I have some cash to spare, but not a ton. I’ve thought about Marie Kondo-ing my closet and deep cleaning my house, but those aren’t particularly fun. Any ideas?

   1. KonMari-ing and cleaning can be fun if you have the right podcast or music, and the result in your closet is worth it, IMHO. I promised myself some closet upgrades as a reward (new flooring and storage, and a pretty rug), which also added to the inherent reward. But also consider a day spa for the longest therapeutic massage they offer, with all the extras? Take a morning or afternoon to hike and and have a picnic?

      1. Pick one thing per day to tackle! You can still have your spa day and your house can get just a little cleaner in the meantime. ! You don’t have to do the whole lot all at once. I’ve been cleaning out my house one drawer or item category at a time over the past month. Last week I cleared out a box of paperwork one day, on Friday I did sweaters. Today I’m clearing out one kitchen cabinet of pots and pans I’ve upgraded from.

   2. I’d travel. Obviously. What are your reasons? If you refuse to do that I’d do a museum day, go to the ballet, a spa day etc. don’t spend this precious time cooking and cleaning.

      1. What an unusually hostile response.

      2. I don’t think anyone here would find it obvious that you’d travel, Anonymous. We don’t know who you are or anything about you so we cannot make those types of inferences, but you may find that level of intuition on a psychic forum. ;)

      3. This is a weird response, and I say that as someone who has extreme wanderlust and throws every spare penny and vacation day at travel. Not everyone sees travel as the most important thing ever and she’s specifically said she doesn’t want to do it, in part because she doesn’t have much cash to spare. Pretty understandable to me.

      4. God forbid someone should refuse to engage in the god-given obligation to travel.

   3. Congrats!!!

      +1 to spa day, or picnic outdoors with book and music if weather is nice?

      Cafe/museum hopping in hip neighborhoods — personally I like googling for ones with comfy sofas and nice views so I can chill with a cup of tea.

      I would even consider an overnight stay at a nice hotel with swimming pool / spa, and have a day or two of “pampering yourself” if there is one in a different area of the city (than my usual work/home vicinity) within a reasonable price range, because I’m a s u c k e r for nice hotel stays.

      If you have some good friends you’d like to get together with/haven’t seen in awhile, a relaxing dinner out? Or a home party? Read a book in a nice setting? (I miss these as a junior associate — YMMV, but maybe you can similarly consider some activity that you liked doing but couldn’t indulge in due to busy work?)

      I would probably have a (or many) Netflix/TED talk/Coursera Binge Day somewhere in there as well, unless I make other plans to get out and about.

      Redecorating my room, if that’s something that you want to do — it’s something that fits into my phase of life right now.

      One day baking class/cooking class — neither activity is something I do on a regular basis, so would be refreshing for me.

   4. I know you said no travel, but what about a staycation type travel? Go visit the nearest big city near you for a daytrip or two but come home to sleep. Spend a day at a cafe reading a good book and writing emails/letter to my friends.

   5. Seconding the massage and hike. I would also say get a haircut and any other self-maintenance you regularly do, batch-bake some lunches, if you have a car get it detailed or clean it yourself, generally prep for the best first week you can have.
      For fun, I’d also check out a movie, go canoeing or kayaking, and try a time-consuming recipe. Pot-luck with friends to celebrate your new work start, if that’s your friend culture.

   6. Go see a matinee movie! Sit where you want to sit.
      Go to a museum!
      Go for a weekday hike!
      Enjoy!

   7. Marie Kondo-ing or otherwise organizing will be a great way to feel organized and refreshed before starting your new job. I’d probably dedicate half days to it and then reward yourself in the afternoons with a walk and a nice lunch, maybe a movie.

   8. With only one week, I would laze around the house and do very little, maybe try to catch my family for some long chats. Just like I did on the weeklong breaks in college. Eff the housecleaning, and put off the cooking/llaundry till you actually need to start prepping for the new week of work.

      Not saying thats what’ you should do, just offering a counterpoint to the many posters with beautiful closets.

      1. I’d probably be lazy too for a week- wake up late, read books, wander around ikea/target. But I also like to pick a theme- then visit everything in the city that has that (best icecream? best pastries? best outdoor cafe? whatevs- when I was in consulting and we were between clients, my co-workers and I did this, and it was soooo much fun). Also, meet up with friends/your partner for lunch.

   9. Congratulations! If it was me, I’d be spending time preparing myself for the new job – reading, probably re-reading, about the team and their initiatives, mapping my commute, promoting myself on social media. This may not be the most optimal way to spend the time but I know it’s what I’d be doing at least a lot of it.

   10. travel

   11. Congratulations! I would use the time to Konmari my house, go to a yoga class every single day, get a haircut, go for a really great and long massage and facial, and spend some time in a cafe reading a good book.

9. So, how many of you can say you brought your pet bird to work with you? That’s what I did today. I didn’t have much choice. Had no power at home — which means I have no heat. The little guy needs to be kept warm. My dad is home trying to keep my pipes from freezing with a kerosene heater and kerosene fumes are toxic to birds and I don’t have anyone else who can watch the little guy. I also have to be at work today to process payroll, so here I am, with feather baby in tow. It’s not like he’s running amok through the office, and my office is in an out of the way corner of the building, so we’re not disturbing anyone. My boss just came in, did a double-take, and laughed. He’ll be in here all day trying to play with the bird, I know. This may be an all-week arrangement as I just saw online that the power outages could last that long. Now that I have the bird taken care of, I need to figure out what to do about ME. No electric means no heat and no water for me. It could be a very long, miserable week.

   1. Can you shower at the gym? I could survive perhaps a day or two without electricity, but if I cannot shower, all bets are off. I would probably end up in an extended stay hotel and might go ahead and book one now instead of attempting to sleep in the cold. (Granted, I live in Texas and I think today’s 50 degrees is cold….)

      1. I’m in a rural area and don’t belong to a gym – nothing close and convenient. I was planning to go to my sister’s house to shower and do my hair after work tonight, but the power outage map I was looking at looks like she may not have power now, too. (I’d call her, but she’s at work and can’t have a phone with her.) I considered getting a hotel room, but when I stopped in town this morning for coffee, none of the restaurants, hotels, or gas stations had power, either.

         Normally, I love my little rural area… Except when there’s a weather emergency. Then it’s not so much fun.

         1. Are you in WV, by chance? :) The weather you described sounds like the weekend my town had. We were lucky enough to keep our power, though!

         2. Commisteration. We were without power (rural, also on a well) for several days last week and were dreading the thought that it could go out in the 60+ mph wind yesterday, too. Thankfully we were spared but I completely understand how when it does, it sucks. I would love to get a generator someday, but budgets are a real thing and ours doesn’t have room for that right now.

            1. They’re literally like $400-$600 for something basic that will get you though a few days of power outrage with fuel refilled morning and evening. Most people have that kind of cash available in their house emergency fund. Yes, you can’t just flip a switch in the house with that set up, but it’s part of living in a rural cold climate area.

            2. And you need an electrician to hook it up, which is several hundred more. And generators in my area are sold out right now, while electricians are booked for weeks in advance unless it is an emergency (for which they charge emergency rates). For those with privileged budgets, these may seem like non-issues. For the rest of us, this is the reality that we find ways to live with.

            3. You don’t need an electrician, you literally just need an extension cord to plug whatever you need to power (natural gas fireplace, water pump, sump pump etc) into the generator.

               And yes, you probably can’t buy one right now if there is a large power outage, but that’s why you order one when this is over so you are ready for next time. Bringing your bird to the office and relying on your dad is not a long term solution.

            4. My furnace and well pump are both hardwired into my circuit panel. My local ordinances require a licensed electrician to modify the panel. I live next to the township inspector. So in your perfect world, perhaps my reality should just not exist so as to avoid causing you mental discomfort? There are literally thousands of people who deal with this situation every year. We choose to handle it in different ways than you, apparently. Perhaps you should collapse this thread and just scroll to a different one.

               FWIW, I do not have a bird and my father lives across the country.

            5. I’m in the same situation as Magic Unicorn. My town requires generators to be professionally installed by electricians and inspected. Further, they require regular servicing. We lose power once every 10 years or so. We make do when it happens and everyone is understanding. Where we live very few people have generators. Maybe 1 person per street.

               Any day there is a wide spread power outage is a casual day at work. People come dressed down, showered, often with kids or pets. Or they take a vacation day. The bird would be welcome here!

      2. If there’s a gym anywhere with power, most gyms will sell you a day pass for ten bucks or so and at least you can shower and get warm. I’ve done this when I had no hot water.

   2. One day in an emergency situation like this is nbd but I would not plan to do this all week. Be sure to let everyone know that the bird will be there today. I have severe allergies to animals of all types – being in an enclosed space with an animal for an extended time will land me in the ER. Just give people a heads up so anyone with severe allergies can work from home. But yeah the bird can’t be there for a week. Call your vet to recommend boarding for the bird and get yourself a hotel room. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

   3. Hahahahaha you must be a troll. You can’t bring your bird to work. Ever.

      1. I work at a NGO and staff bring in pets during emergencies pretty frequently. What else is someone without the financial means to solve the problem with cash supposed to do? I know almost exactly all of the staff salaries so I don’t get annoyed when Sue has to bring in the goldendoodle because the pipes burst in her condo and her family all live hours away, its just the reality of life for some people.

      2. If I absolutely had to for a day or two, I could. On pretty rare occasions, my firm does let people bring pets in out of necessity.

      3. What if she’s a veterinarian?

      4. I’m not the OP but I could definitely bring a bird to work if I wanted to. I’m a lawyer with an office that has a door. No one would care and most wouldn’t know or notice. It may be shocking, but not every workplace is exactly identical to yours. This board today… lots of folks need a big dose of “good for her, not for me.”

   4. I would honestly love it if I had a pet at work, though I’d probably never get anything done.

   5. Get a generator for next time you have a power outage. It’s what you do when you leave in a cold climate where there is a power outage a couple times a winter. Then bird can stay home. Heat one room to appropriate temp for bird and other rooms to temp so that pipes don’t freeze.

      And leave your water on at a drip, it will prevent your pipes from freezing.

      1. Yes. Because you can’t bring your bird to work for a week.

      2. +1 to leave water on a drip in all taps to keep pipes from freezing. I have lived in New England all my life and dealt with long-term power outages with freezing temps. A particularly unpleasant experience led to the purchase of a generator. In my area, local high school and middle school gyms are open to the public for showering in the evening after work. Before we got a generator, after two nights where I couldn’t sleep because it was so cold and had to shower at a friend’s house, I checked into a hotel until the power returned. I was losing my mind at that point and was willing to pay for a warm bed, shower, and the ability to turn in lights.

      3. When you are on a well, leaving your water on at a drip doesn’t work because the pump has no power. Your only options are to heat the space enough that the pipes absolutely cannot freeze, or drain them and shut off the water main.

         1. That’s why you get a generator. To power the pump.

            1. Bless your heart, if only we had thought of that and all of us had the disposable income to afford that.

            2. Bless your heart, honey. If you don’t have $400 lying around in an emergency fund for your house, you can’t afford to buy a house. A generator doesn’t have to cost $4000 and be installed with an easy, stay inside the house and not get cold switch.

               Source – last 18 years of my life living in a house with a well and septic system where there are outages at least twice a winter where I didn’t rely on ‘daddy’ to save me.

            3. I also don’t have a “daddy” within a thousand miles to “save” me from this place I have chosen to live for nearly 40 years, 20 of which have been as a homeowner. Your point?

            4. You cannot have a house generator in my (rural) town unless you pour a concrete pad for it. You will be fined for just tossing one in your yard. Permit + pad + generator + labor + hookup by a certified electrician (required) is easily two grand, for a bare bones system. Tossing out $400 like it’s some universal cost is ridiculous.

10. I’d like to take a family friend/new college graduate to a store and buy her a basic interview suit. She is quite petite, so a place that can do the tailoring in-house and then ship to her is preferable. Ideas for this? Maybe Macy’s?

    Also – I am really far removed from this now – how do kids get their first jobs these days? Very entry-level. My friend is coachable but un-polished; I am helping but she will need some experience working in an office/other environment (bank maybe?) for a while before she’s grasped the nuances of communication, etc. I’m struggling to put it into words, but she needs some time in a job that will help bridge the gap between her world (economically disadvantaged, little exposure to professional spaces) and the world of a sophisticated business environment.

    1. No specific advice on the suit, but you are a fairy godmother for doing this! Go you!

       She could be a perfect candidate for temping, or getting in with an employment agency. They often “place” people in similar circumstances, and it’s a great way to get that exposure.

    2. Wha is her degree in? Not all business environments are that sophisticated, ideally she would apply to entry level jobs or internships in her field of choice if she can get in somewhere. Her school probably has resources, career fairs, interview practice, etc.

    3. where did she go to school? i work in higher ed and all schools should have a career office. some are better than others, but at a bare minimum they should be able to help her with a resume and give her access to a job board.

    4. “Also – I am really far removed from this now – how do kids get their first jobs these days?”

       Help her set up a LinkedIn profile. You may want to help her get a professional-looking head shot done as well.

       I’ve found that a lot of young people have a hard time “selling themselves,” precisely because they think of it as “selling themselves” and not of explaining to strangers what their skills and experience are. She may need help describing her student working experience in terms of progressive responsibility, or she may struggle to know what to put on a resume or LinkedIn and what to leave off.

       She gets a job by using her local area’s most common job board – LinkedIn, ZipRecruiter, Indeed, etc., – and sending out resumes. She should also get herself set up with several local temp agencies (like Randstad and Robert Half) that do substantive temp work. Also, she should use her school’s career services, but know that some career services are great and some are terrible. She may need help deciding which jobs to apply to, and you can offer her help, too.

    5. I’ve had really good luck with the nordstrom in house tailoring, and house brand suiting. They ship alterations for free.

       Are there any women’s career services organizations in your city? That’s a good place to look for resources for her, beyond just applying for jobs online as commented above.

    6. Head to a local outlet mall if you have one – Ann Taylor and Banana Republic outlets both have petite suiting in store. They were what I lived in in law school for internships.

    7. You’re awesome for this! I second temping!
       I’d give an old school book on professional development (generally covers appropriate office clothing, decorum, etc)
       and discuss it with her at length.

    8. I am short- Macy’s and Loft (you might have to order online) are awesome options for suites (& go larger if she is short & plus sized). The Macy every day value options & Calvin Klein suites are great… and not too pricey either.

    9. Usually the first job is word of mouth. My boyfriend’s dad hired me as a file clerk once upon a time. Spiffing up her resume, nuances of writing a cover letter, practicing interview questions, etc can really go far as well. It really depends on what industry she wants to be in, or if she doesn’t care, then I would start in an admin position somewhere. I have a few friends who work in Medical Offices and love it, but it can be a dead-end. You can often find these kinds of jobs part time, that way she can continue to look for something more up her alley. If she wants an industry specific job, then a recruiter might be the way to go.

       You could also let her shadow you at work for a day or two. That would be helpful to understanding the nuances of office communication and the dreaded topic of how to actually use email!

       I second the Banana Republic factory suiting. Washable and under $100 if you buy it on sale. They have a variety of pant sizes and styles to match jackets.

       1. Just note that if she’s really tiny in all dimensions, the BR stuff does suffer from vanity sizing so it may not be small enough. Like, I wear a 2 in Theory, and size 0 at BR is frequently too big for me (especially the blazers). If the BR stuff comes close to fitting her off the rack, then it’s a good option, but it may need more tailoring than other brands.

11. I’m looking for accommodations for a trip to Rome in a few months and came across Marriott’s Tribute Portfolio Homes option. It seems to be their answer to Air B&B, except you earn Marriott points for your stay (I’m a big fan of points). It looks fairly new and only available in a handful of cities–has anyone tried it and have any feedback on it? I’ve always been kind of resistant to Air B&B because it just seems like it has a lot of potential for things to go wrong, so this seems like a good compromise (or do I just need to suck it up and try Air B&B)? Or, alternatively, suggestions for hotels in Rome?

    1. *Airbnb. Oh for an edit button.

    2. You definitely don’t need to use AirBNB in Rome if you don’t want to. There are plenty of nice hotels in the city. The main reason you’d need to do AirBNB is if you’re traveling with a family and want separate bedrooms, a kitchen, etc.

    3. Just book a normal hotel. Air BnB destroys cities.

       1. +1. I wish this were mentioned more often. It has destroyed my hometown.

          1. How so? I don’t like AirBNB as a traveler because I like the security and services of a hotel with front desk staff, but I’m curious to know more about AirBNB is destroying cities.

             1. In many European cities, and some American ones, short term air b n b rentals are more profitable than long term rentals to locals. This drives out local tenants destroying the character of the neighborhood. People are super gung ho because it’s cheap, but it’s cheap at a cost.

             2. See the French Quarter and the Bywater in New Orleans. It’s true. Short term renters don’t pay taxes and are often obnoxious and leave trash everywhere. The landlords are out of town and it’s a mess. It’s also driving up rents in an area that was already more expensive.

             3. My experience is with a small community where vacation rentals compete with long term rentals for limited space. In the last 5-10 years, a spatial analysis was done showing that vacation rentals were occupying an outrageous percentage (I want to say 80% or 90%) former long term rentals.

                In that same period of time, local business have been in crisis because they can’t get employees. Many restaurants and shops have folded because of it. Some people commute in, but the shortest posible commute is about 3.5 hours a day. The biggest employers are providing housing onsite and requiring signed commitments, or even bringing workers from other countries.

    4. I swear I don’t work for them, I’ve mentioned it so often here, but I’ve loved using One Fine Stay in Europe – it’s a property management company that basically operates Airbnb type places. They leave hotel amenities in the apartments (towels, toiletries, have maid service, etc.), they have a concierge service for restaurants and other things to do, and they’ll grocery shop so you have food when you get there. It’s about the same price as a hotel, not as good a deal as Airbnb but more services. The Marriott thing sounds similar, I’d be inclined to try either.

       1. https://www.onefinestay.com/rome/

12. I saw Billie Jean King’s comments on trans sports affecting women’s sports and a couple of articles saying that this is a thing in sports now (and a thing in general — one of my kids has a kid in her class who was a boy in one grade but is a girl now and this is in elementary school).

    I play tennis (incl. mixed doubles) but we also play by rank (so a 2.0 player does not compete against a 5.0 player unless the 2.0 player chooses to play up; the 5.0 player can’t play down). But we have 2.0 leagues and 5.0 leagues (and mixed doubles and regular doubles 10.0 leagues) so matched players play matched players (otherwise, the 2.0 players would lose on the first round every time, not really get much chance to play or improve, get frustrated, and quit).

    Is some “matched rank” system the way out of this? Otherwise, why even have women’s sports? [It may matter less in team sports like field hockey or baseball, but where there is 1:1 competition, who that other one is matters.]

    [FWIW, many colleges I know have their women’s team practice against a men’s practice team b/c it seems to be acknowledged that playing against bigger-stronger-taller people will eventually make you work harder and be better.]

    1. [deleted by management]

       1. Ugh. Was someone just itching for a chance to scream “TERF IS A SLUR!” because I can’t figure out why else someone would bother to post such an ugly thing.

          1. Um, I didn’t? I just don’t think people who are biologically male should be able to compete at an elite level in women’s sports.

             1. 1.) I didn’t say you did, now did I? What I was implying was that your post reads like you’re trying to provoke a response.
                2.) Oh okay so now you’re only talking about elite sports. Yeah, that’s what you said in your post. “women’s spaces” = “I’m only talking about professional sports.” K.

             2. I’m so confused why you’re trying to pick a fight.

    2. I know everyone is anti-troll this morning but I’m thinking you’re our typical anti-trans troll, back again to stir sh*t up. No one here cares about or against this topic the same way you do. Most people here are ok with transfolk and not oka with you so please move along kthanksbai

       1. This x 1 million

          I have zero problem with a trans girl being on my elementary school aged daughter’s soccer team. Life is hard enough for trans kids, why make it harder by excluding them from sports or making up non-issues.

          1. I agree at a non-competitive level. I don’t think they should be takingspots from women at the competitive level.

             1. I kind of fall here.

                If it is unfair to compete against men when stuff is at stake it is also unfair to compete against women. Probably not enough people to field another league.

                But at no competitive levels, just go out and play.

       2. IDK — Billie Jean King said pretty much the same thing and she is far from a troll.

          In classes, we compete as individuals. There isn’t a women’s valedictorian. Or a limit in who is concertmaster of your school’s orchestra.

          Where college applications ask about local, regional, and national rankings you get in things, and it counts for admissions and scholarships, I can see how sports are different than academics.

          1. False. Martina is the one who had the opinions about anti-trans in women’s sports.

    3. “why even have women’s sports?” because trans women are women.

       If that doesn’t satisfy you – hormones have an enormous effect on physical strength and ability, more than you would imagine. This is “a thing” now because our world is thankfully become a little easier for trans people. This is a good thing!

       1. I think that is the thing though – hormones and biology do matter. And feeling that you are treated fairly matters, too. In the case of the CT high school teens, it seems that fair to one comes at the expense of fair to another. I don’t know what the right balance is but can see why it seems unfair to the two girls who lost out.

          1. It’s not a matter of fairness. One child’s “fairness” in a competition is just not as important as the safety and well being of a trans child. Trans women are killed and abused at very high rates, suffer from mental health issues, the list goes on an on. It’s ok for cis kids to face an “unfair” situation in order to ensure the safety and well being of their peers. If their parents frame it this way for them they will understand – most young people get this and are accepting of it. If you project your bigotry and lack of understanding onto the situation that is the thing most likely to cause your own kid distress, not the “unfairness” of the situation. I don’t know the details of the CT situation you’re describing but if you’re referring to trans girls/women as boys you need to stop.

             1. It’s not okay for girls to not get a chance to excel at sports to accommodate boys who are living as girls. It isn’t.

             2. Why don’t you recognize that trans women are women? Why do you have this much hate in your heart? I feel bad for any child you’re raising.

             3. Why are we forcing ourselves into two genders — some cultures have many and maybe we can learn from them. This seems to be a false dichotomy: only men and only women.

             4. Why can’t transgirls participate in an open division? Why are you so resistant to a solution that balances the rights of all involved? It also doesn’t make a trans kid “unsafe” to not play in the girls’ division – let’s avoid hyperbole here. It’s also okay for kids to feel disappointment and to learn non-entitled ways of thinking.

       2. Honest q — are trans men even remotely competitive in men’s or boys leagues? Even with hormones from early ages, my guess is that they aren’t.

    4. The only fair way to resolve the issue is to convert the men’s category to an open category. Then everyone can compete on a fair playing ground with appropriate competition, including women like Lindsey Vonn who have always wanted to compete against men. Otherwise, males will dominate the top places (just like they did in the girls’ state running championships in CT, taking the top two spots and denying two girls from qualifying for regionals and potentially athletic scholarships in the future). Women’s sport isn’t open for the taking. Everyone has the right to compete in sports, but not in any category you want (ie, you separate wrestling by weight class and youth sports by age).

       1. Yes, exactly: an open category and a category for biological women.

          Back in high school, I ran the mile in the 5:30 to 5:40 range. For a woman, that was really good; it was a full minute slower than the good men. Maybe if you are super-elite, you can compete with men, but us mere mortals cannot.

       2. +1. I can’t imagine what the opposition to converting men’s to an open category would be, actually. It seems like the most fair, equitable solution that avoids “othering” anyone or placing anyone into a non-competitive category (both would happen if you created a separate trans division).

    5. IIRC USTA leagues start at 2.5. Some are further limited by age: 40s, 50s, etc. but there is rampant .. defining down in my city. It is frustrating to spend 45 mins in rush hour traffic to lose a match in less time than that or to have people unable to get a reschedule in because they play in 4 other leagues. I guess some people just like winning even if over unfairly matched opponents (and if you play 5x week for years and keep winning your 2.5 league you ought to move up to at least 3.0. 2.5 is for beginners.).

    6. If you’re playing for fun in an adult rec league with ranked players, why does it even matter? You’re not out to win the gold at the Olympics. It’s such a rare case besides that.

       1. But it does matter at the top levels of sport. If running weren’t segregated by sex, the top female runner in the 100 m (who has held the world record in that distance for decades) would place somewhere around 450th overall and would be regularly beat by high school boys. It simply isn’t competitive or fair for transwomen, who retain the increased musculature, height, lung capacity, and other advantages of males, to compete against women. I absolutely welcome transwomen to compete in sports – just not in the women’s division. It’s also really messed up that Martina Navratilova, Billie Jean King, Paula Radcliffe, and other inspiring female athletes are getting positively vilified for taking reasonable positions on the issue. Misogyny much?

          1. Yeah and it doesn’t matter at your level, like at all. It’s too late, you’re never going to play at a high level and that’s ok! Hopefully you learn to lighten up and have fun, otherwise what is the point in playing?

             1. Better question: why is it important and respected for trans mtf women to compete in the women’s division, but wrong of us biological women to want our own division? You can’t have it both ways.

             2. But you want a good competition at any level. Even in the senior games. Or masters swimming. And that is why we have handicaps in golf (and ladies tees).

          2. Yes. Only people who are menwould be this insistent at taking something from women.

             1. Wow.

                So this comes up every single time we get one of these posts, and while this person may not be a tr0ll, this is the kind of comment that makes me think– almost every time–that these posts are not made entirely in good faith, or that the poster is more interested in grinding an ax/ stirring stuff than a discussion. That, and the insistence on repeating that trans children are boys who want to live as girls or just calling trans women men. It inevitably devolves into a vicious chain of anons. It’s so tedious, and it degrades the quality of this community.

             2. What I find tedious is the constant jumping to “troll!!!” every time the issue comes up. Is it so unbelievable that many women (Navratilova and King among them) would have opinions on a current, controversial issue in women’s sports or on the social topic of gender?

       2. I think the point is that unmatched competition isn’t much of an opportunity for growth (or for fun).

       3. I would argue that it also matters in recreational sport. I play in an adult sports league that has incidental contact, but women generally guard women. I am terrified to guard men running at a full sprint because I am generally much smaller than them and I don’t want to be hurt in a collision.

          I don’t care if transwomen share a locker room with me, but I’d really not like to get tackled on the court.

    7. It seems this OP could be a troll, but I have some thoughts in general on my sport – golf. Women can play up in some cases, several women golfers have played PGA tour events on sponsor exemptions. LPGA golfers may not be as long as the professional men, but they are insanely accurate ball strikers, and the tour is pretty progressive, so I would hope that if a trans woman golfer qualified for the tour, they’d be given status.
       I am actively annoyed that at my club, two certain full-weekend tournaments are “men’s tournaments”. They’re the most fun and interesting ones, they do practice rounds, putting contests, set up different areas of the golf course with hospitality tents, there’s a lot of betting. I golfed in college and I’m a good golfer now, but what’s important to playing with the men is that I have a significantly faster swing speed than most women, hit the ball much longer, and can play from the back tees and the tips against the men at the club. My handicap would put me in the top 1/3 the field at the men’s tournaments. I don’t mind that the club championship is split men-to-women, it’s all the same weekend and format. But the women’s only tournaments and guest days are for the most part a joke.

       1. In tennis, we always let you play up. Playing against men to me is always playing up. Not sure why it would be a problem for you to play. I can see why this would be better for you than the other one and just better overall.

          1. The two tournaments that irk me are specifically gendered “men’s” tournaments, and when I’ve brought it up, the response I’ve gotten is that there are there are an “equal” number of tournaments for women, so play in those. There are a couple mixed tournaments, and playing up in that case is no problem – I have been placed in higher flights with men in singles play, and in team play I can partner up with anyone, male or female, and you play in a flight based on handicaps.

    8. I don’t really care what elite athletes do, but a girl in elementary school who has transitioned is not going to have an advantage over the other girls. That isn’t going to start until puberty sets in. And if the girl gets hormone treatment and doesn’t go through male puberty, I don’t know that she’ll ever have an advantage. So I don’t really get the handwringing about the girl in your daughter’s school.

       1. My 10 year old is going through puberty. For girls I seems to happen a lot younger than I would have thought. I only have girls so I don’t know when it happens for boys. But some of the girls a year older than her are almost identical to women (and taller / more developed than me). Other girls are stil tiny. Wide range among the boys — some are strapping (while still hitting the high notes) and others are teeny.

13. My daughter is deciding on college for next year and is leaning toward a private college. We have in-state tuition, room and board saved in her 529 account. She got decent money from the private college based on her B+/A- grades but if she goes the private route and I have come around to the idea – they have smaller class sizes, which would really help due to her minor learning disability, and they have a four year guarantee in her chosen major, where we understand state school kids sometimes take 5-6 years to get the same degree because they can’t get the classes on schedule.

    We have savings to cover the difference in total costs but at this point in our lives I would prefer to count that as retirement money. With my current job we could swing paying the extra amount monthly and get her through the four years.

    My question is about whether I lose my job. I’m in a fairly specialized role, and the industry I work in is likely to falter in the next recession. I think my company is a winner but you never know. It would be difficult to find another position paying what my current role pays, and I need to be prepared to be unemployed for 6-12 months to find the right thing (and have emergency savings reflecting that)

    If I were to lose my job while my daughter is at private school, would she qualify for financial aid? Or would they look at our savings and just direct us to use those?

    1. I don’t have advice about the aid, but I would question whoever is telling you that students at public universities take 5-6 years to finish the same degree – if it’s coming from the private university, maybe they are trying to do some fluffing to justify their expense? I think that is sometimes the case if students take semesters off for an internship or co-op, but I would be highly skeptical that any public university would not have a roadmap where classes can be completed in the standard four years. You may be able to find these and graduation statistics on their website. Even majoring in something with a higher than normal number of required credits, I had no problems. In my experience, a large state school has more classes and more resources.

       1. It’s coming from other parents I know whose kids had a hard time graduating on time. I know a kid in her sixth year of trying to get a teaching credential. She didn’t slack off, but her classes at the over crowded state school she attends are impacted.

          1. I’m not intending to be a jerk, I know it sounds kind of dismissive, but if she has been there six years and can’t graduate, something else has got to be going on beyond that she is having trouble scheduling classes . It’s just not the way any reputable university operates.

             1. I agree. I graduated a few years ago from a major in state university and I only know one person who took longer to graduate and it was because he changed his major and then had a few personal problems. Obviously, it happens. But it wasn’t common and I didn’t know anyone who dealt with scheduling problems to the point where they wouldn’t graduate on time. That would have caused a major uproar.

             2. I should have made it clear. I’m in California, the public school system I’m referring to is CSU, and the 5 year plan is very common.

                My friend’s kid who is in her sixth year of trying to get an elementary credential is not a slacker. She couldn’t get into classes in her major, and so she only has 2 classes left, so she’s not a full time student in her sixth year, but she’s not able to work in her field either. She’s driving Lyft and working retail and her parents are still paying her housing and tuition.

          2. Anon at 10:29, I’m in higher ed and this is a real thing–the California system in particular is notorious for it. It is certainly not unheard of in other state systems, either, although it’s not the case everywhere.

             And in general, things can cascade quickly in structured, sequential majors like education and STEM. To take the OP’s ed student, say she can’t get into a course she needs the second semester of her sophomore year. Or she gets a D and needs at least a C to continue to the next course in the sequence. It’s only offered once a year. So now she’s a year behind, and because the courses are sequential and she needs to take the next class for her licensure requirements, she’s really scr*wed and can’t do her licensure on time. Which she needs to start her student teaching sequence on time, which is itself a two-year progression. Etc. etc. etc.

             1. Yep I’m in California. Thanks for chiming i.

             2. I was going to say, I know this is a regular thing @ my local Cal State- there are too many students and not enough openings in the classes required to graduate. I went to a UC & graduated in 3 yrs (& actually could have done 2! But why?).
                So, I’m not sure how much things have changed over the past 2 decades in terms of financial aid- but why not have her take out the loans that don’t accrue interest while you are in school, save the money in an account for her, then when she graduates pay it off if you still feel stead in your job? My parent’s paid for my public undergrad (and I did my part to get as many scholarships & school jobs as I could) and I often think that we should have done it this way… I could have also used the money later for grad school and saved money on interest overall.

             3. To add more anecdata – it took my cousin 7 years to finish at a CSU school. My parents encouraged me to go to a private school in part due to that, where I was able to graduate with a Master’s in 5 years and then start working as an (well-paid) engineer. That definitely worked out better financially long-term.

       2. Agreed, state schools have larger classes and more sections of those classes. Online and distances sections should make up any deficiencies. With proper planning, there should be no reason that a State college student should be forced to take longer than four years to complete an undergrad degree.
          Now, it is common for college students to choose to take internships and co-ops to better their chances for a career. But even in that case, most earn college credit during those semesters “off” and can make up their work in the summer.

       3. +1 I’m in higher education, and I have never heard of this 5-6 year thing being a problem unless it is by student choice. I would also want to know more about the quality of the private school your child is thinking about attending. Many LACs that are lower ranked or unranked have very limited resources with overworked faculty. Granted at most state schools or research institutions in general, your child will be primarily taught by TAs and adjuncts, but there will be more resources than some lower ranked or unranked private colleges.

       4. She can call the state school’s office serving that major and ask for that information. It is entirely possibly to not be able to graduate in 4 yrs in certain majors because schools of that size have very rigid degree requirements (too many students to have too many variances), only a certain number of those required classes are offered every year, and if its a popular major it is conceivable not to be able to have the exact classes you need to progress consistently each semester, especially when you need course A to get into course B to get into course C. Some freshman may not be able to take their major classes their first semester at all if they registered late. Things happen.

    2. What do your savings look like? Generally your primary home equity and any traditional retirement accounts are exempt. If you have a significant amount (several hundred thousand dollars or more) in non-retirement savings, yes that will impact your ability to get financial aid. My parents were fairly low income for the college I went to but did’t get any aid because of savings. Yes, they will re-do the financial aid analysis if you lose your job, but if you have big savings the lower income likely won’t change anything.

       Re the time to graduation – I work at a public university and the OP is not wrong that they have much longer time to graduation. In some cases it’s about class availability, but most people stay longer because it’s cheaper so there’s less pressure to graduate. But it isn’t unreasonable to weigh 5 years of in-state tuition vs 4 years of private if you’re comparing costs.

    3. It’s unlikely temporary unemployment will have any effect on financial aid in terms of grants, but she likely would be eligible to take out loans. In general, everyone would prefer to use their savings for things other than college! You won’t get much traction from any financial aid office with that.

    4. Hello! I used to work in financial aid. Dont hesitate to call the admissions and financial aid office at the schools you’re considering, to get their perspective.
       There are a few items at play here- it may depend on whether this private school requests the FAFSA only (used to calculate institutional, state, and federal aid by using federal calculations) or also requests the CSS profile (used to calculate institutional aid with institutional methodolgy, and uses the FAFSA for state and federal aid).
       At the schools I worked at, if you had filed the FAFSA previously, and then had a qualifying life event (loss of income, death, etc), the school could adjust institutional aid mid-year and could maybe run a “professional judgement” on the state and federal aid to re-assess and re-package.
       If your savings are in a qualified retirement account like a 401k, IRA, 403b, the FAFSA will not count these as assets.

       1. We have 401k and IRA savings but some of it is in regular investments and an Ally saving account. I suspect they’d want to take from there, right?

          1. Yes, of course.

    5. Yes, you can petition for reconsideration. You may or may not be able to get financial aid based on income earned and assets, etc, but you can then look to other options, like traditional student loans or the Parent PLUS Loan.
       FWIW, my parents are asset-wealthy but sometimes don’t have large amounts of available cash. We didn’t qualify for financial aid, and I, too, was helped out by getting merit-based scholarship. They paid for most of my undergrad private liberal arts education, but I ended up with a few thousand a year in student loans, less than $15k total. As compared to some classmates who graduated with $100,000 in student debt, I did not feel overly burdened by this amount and it helped me establish my credit. It’s also potentially worth calling the financial aid office to see if there’s any other scholarships she’d qualify for. I ended up with an extra $1,000 a year because I qualified for a small scholarship that was unclaimed at the time my dad called to discuss some financial aid questions with them, and he simply asked.

    6. Your child can take out loans. You have paid for her state tuition – if she wants something beyond that, it’s ok for her to pay for that. There’s no such thing as loans for retirement savings, but there are student loans.

       1. She may not even be eligible for loans though. If your parents have a lot of savings but won’t pay, you’re generally in a tough spot because you can’t get loans or grants due to your parents income.

          1. I was able to take out loans because my dad co-signed. I was going into STEM so we felt my job prospects would be good after graduation, so he had no problem with co-signing. That may not be something your family can/wants to do, but is an option.

          2. With A-/B+ grades she might qualify for scholarships from outside organizations to help make up some of the difference (there are loads out there, they may be small but they can add up – I applied for all kinds of weird scholarships and some were only $300, but it all helps), but otherwise, she should take out some loans. I thoroughly agree with Anon at 10:45 that you can’t take loans for retirement savings. Don’t hamstring yourself over this when you’ve already saved enough for in-state tuition, which is plenty generous.

    7. I know you want to fully finance your kid’s schooling, but you cannot and should not do that to the detriment of your own retirement or financial health. You need to sit down with your daughter and lay out what you have saved versus what things cost at both schools, and what burden she will take on with one choice versus the other choice. She is almost an adult, she is old enough to hear “we make good money and have X saved for your college, which will cover Public school and most of Private school. If something happens to my job, which is very likely, we may not be able to cover all your costs at Private school, so you will need to be prepared to get a work study job and take out an amount of school loans to cover what we can’t afford. We don’t have the option of paying for all of Private school, we just don’t have the money. We don’t want to burden you with taking care of us when we get old and we want to be able to support you if you need to move back home after school and in order for that to happen, we can only give you X for college. You need to make an informed decision about which school you want to go to and what level of working and debt you want to take on after graduation because we won’t be able to help you pay it off.”

       Then work with her on loan repayment calculators so she understands how much per month will need to be paid back for those loans (student’s don’t really conceive of how much say owing $20,000 back means, but will understand “starting salaries in your major receive $2500 per month, and you will pay back $500 per month on your loans and cost of living is Y per month, so that means you’ll have Z left over to do stuff.”

       1. God, please, yes, do what’s recommended in this last paragraph. I’m a liberal, yada yada, but I find myself having very little sympathy for adults (which is what college students are, and if they can’t do it, their parents should) not having a realistic sense of how much in student loans can be realistically supported on a realistic in-major income.

       2. This is really good advice. I am the second child in a large family and my parents had very little to contribute to our college educations. We hustled for scholarships and worked. It was still in the “college debt is good debt” era, but even with the aid packages private schools offered, public school was the only realistic option.

          1. That’s interesting. I was a zero parent contribution kid and the private schools offered me much more financial aid than the state schools (in my case, UC) did. I paid back loans for a long time, but the private school gave way more scholarship money, on top of Cal and Pell grants.

             1. It did work out that way for some folks – but ultimately for me it came down to Oberlin and one of my state schools, and the loans Oberlin offered were just mind-boggling to me as an 18-year-old. And I wasn’t going into a field that would have let me pay those back in any reasonable amount of time.

             2. Pugsnbourbon- Oberlin is a big debate in my household– my husband went there and had absolutely the BEST college experience and he is adamant that he would not have had that at a large public school and would pay that amount for our daughter. I on the other hand went to University of my State and also thrived, but came out with zero debt, which I didn’t understand at the time, but so appreciated when I needed to pay off my grad debt- we ended up at the same (great but also private) law school and with similar jobs. We have very different ideas on how much to spend on higher ed and have discussed our different values for our child many times, never coming to an agreement over the decade we’ve been together.

       3. Agree so much.

          Just tell your kids what the deal is – and it doesn’t matter if the deal is allowing them to live at home while working their way through school, or if you pay for all of college and all of med school.

          People cannot make good decisions without good information.

          Side bar: what if you lose your job right after she graduates, and you spent all this money on a private school that you can’t get back? Are you still financially secure?

          1. If i don’t lose my job we are fine. This is a what-is worry I have.

    8. 1) she should apply to both and get aid packages for both and see what happens. Lots of private schools have large endowments so she might get more aid from the private school.
       2) It can take longer to graduate at a state school because of scheduling classes. However, if you plan well from the begining, and don’t change your major more than once, you should be fine. This can also be a problem at a small school because they might not have enough students to offer certain higher level courses.
       3) All of this is major specific. My advice against a small private school is if she wants to change majors, they might not have the option available. That being said, at a big state school, only your 100 level classes tend to be gigantic. And it depends on the major. Ask an admissions counselor how many students are in her major, and how many courses are offered per semester. This will give her an idea of what the actual class sizes of the important classes are. I would also ask how many general ed credits are required vs. major specific ones. For example, some state schools require over half of your credits to be general ones, this can make it harder to focus on your major when you have to take a bunch of uninteresting and irrelevant coursework. At a smaller school, usually they have interesting seminars, or nearly everyone in the school takes the same general electives, and that can be easier.
       4) Don’t forget to account for room and board. They are outrageously expensive at both state and private options.
       5) Has she visited both options? If so, really listen to her feelings about it. There is NOTHING worse than going to a school you just don’t feel comfortable or fit in at. College is an investment, and the networks that college can foster can really make money for you in the long term. Honestly, my bf went to a private school, and every time he runs into someone from there, there is an instant network connection with lots of meaning and shared experiences behind it. Meanwhile, I went to a state school that is known for bad things that happened there more than good.

       1. That’s the thing. She feels overwhelmed at the state school and right at home at the private school. I’ve been to both visits with her and I don’t blame her at all. The professors at the private school are so nice to her and already know her well enough to remember her from our two visits.

          1. Then let her go there. But understand that since you have the money to pay for it and just don’t want to, financial aid will be tricky.

       2. “It can take longer to graduate at a state school because of scheduling classes. However, if you plan well from the beginning, and don’t change your major more than once, you should be fine. This can also be a problem at a small school because they might not have enough students to offer certain higher level courses.”

          I am sorry but this is just not true at some schools, particularly CSU schools. It might be the case at many school. It might be the case in most schools. California schools are their own particular universe. As someone pointed out above, if they offer a class once a year and you do not get in (because the are prioritizing students ahead of you, who did not get in because they prioritized students ahead of them . . . . ), you have to wait an entire year to take that class, which is then a prerequisite for the next series of classes you have to take for your major.

          It is not unusual for it to take 5-6 years to graduate and it is unfair to assume that those students were lazy or unmotivated (or even changed their majors a lot).

14. I could use advice on a friend situation.

    A friend and I were close for over a decade, starting in our early 20s when we met at work. In recent years, we kind of drifted apart and I thought the friendship might just do a slow fade. I definitely made more of the effort and noticed she rarely initiated plans, so I let the time in between reaching out go longer and longer. Then she got engaged. Suddenly I was seeing her often with bachelorette, shower, and other pre-wedding activities. She clearly wanted me there because she invited me to everything.

    I thought this was a chance for a renewed friendship, so I made an effort to invite her to stuff post-wedding and had her and her husband over for dinner. And then the only times she reached out in the following months were to see if I could watch their cat while they were traveling! I got the message, left her alone, and we have not talked at all in the last eight months.

    Fast forward to last week. I ran into her and she was effusive, friendly, saying we need to catch up and get together. I took her at her word and reached out about plans. We went back and forth a bit about plans and then radio silence on her end. I’m over it and figure the friendship is over, but the wedding thing really threw me off. It’s like she wanted me there to represent what our friendship was but she clearly has no interest in maintaining it. I guess it would be even more hurtful if she didn’t invite me at all, but I feel more than a little annoyed that I participated in all these wedding events and gave time and money for someone who clearly can’t be bothered with me. Anyone been through something similar? Am I being too sensitive?

    1. This is completely normal and common. Send a Christmas card, otherwise move on.

    2. So I try to see the best in people and assume that because you were close for a long period of time, she felt strange about having a major life event like a wedding without you there. We had a similar situation with the MC at our wedding. He travelled for our wedding, we moved to different cities (each of us) and didn’t have as much contact. Still invited to his wedding 5 years later, we travelled internationally to attend but are not in touch much now. I don’t regreat making the effort to attend. Friendships ebb and flow even when both parties have good intentions.

    3. Very common and very disheartening. I’m sorry. It stinks. I say move on and, unless she initiates, ignore any interest in reconnecting. It’s not worth your emotional energy.

    4. So I think one of two things is going on:
       A: Your friend doesn’t have many close friends and really felt like she needed X people at all of her pre-wedding functions. You were invited because she needed you there to fill up space. Now that she is not getting married and no longer needs social media posts of all of her “friends” at her wedding events, you are no longer needed.

       B: A lot of people drift apart from various friends after they get married. I am guilty of this despite my best intentions. Most of these are friends that we used to see and meet up with individually, so they are not in a “group” of friends and are not couple friends. Sometimes they have different work schedules than us or live in different cities. Also, there was definitely a honeymoon type period after we got married where we were exhausted from the wedding and just didn’t do anything social for a while… so despite our best intentions, we are not in touch with some of our good friends like we used to be. I think this happens to a lot of people.

       1. – visits with friends in different cities is especially hard to co-ordinate after marriage/kids. The long term friends outside our immediate city that we have stayed closest with are the ones who are excited to see us whenever we can make it work, and we love to see them whenever they can make it work. No guilt about it being 5 years since the last time we were together in person.

    5. Life is long. People go through phases where they are busy with other things. You can take it personally and end friendships or you can meet people where they’re at and maintain them for decades. I personally choose the latter option. Make friends who fit your day to day needs, and consider keeping those in a different phase of life part of your world.

    6. I don’t have any friends who have gotten married yet so I haven’t been in this situation but I would be hurt too. Let people call us sensitive.

    7. I understand where you’re coming from and have felt the same way at times but, kindly, yes, you (and I) are being too sensitive. Some of the most important lessons of my 20s were (1) to not invest in people who don’t reciprocate; (2) to stop overextending myself, period; and (3) to stop seeing an expenditure of time/money as an investment in a friendship. Dong something solely because you expect something in return is a bad idea and will lead to disappointment. If you get invited to Vegas for a now-distant-friend’s b-party, then go because you really want to go to Vegas and are determined to have fun. Don’t go because you hope this means she’s rekindling the friendship and you want to reminisce about it when you’re 50. Don’t overextend yourself and then feel resentful that she’s not sufficiently grateful for your sacrifice. It was really hard for me to change my thinking and to be honest with myself. It felt selfish. But it has been really freeing – I do stuff with an open heart because I want to do it and I don’t hold bad feelings against someone else for the outcome of my own decisions.

       1. “Don’t overextend yourself and then feel resentful that she’s not sufficiently grateful for your sacrifice.”

          OP here. This is exactly what I do, and I never had a name for it until just now. I try to attend every event and hope that this will result in stronger friendships, but I do sometimes resent spending my free time overextending myself. I think I need to just take a step back, only attend the events I genuinely want to attend, and stop defining friendships as an effort put in/effort returned equation.

          The hardest part is putting all this time and energy for people’s weddings and baby showers, right before they disappear or fade away to invest their limited free time in their spouses and kids. Totally understandable, but still hard as the friend who feels left behind.

          1. You may not be inter meyer’s briggs- but I suspect you are an INFJ… me too girl. Loyalty is big for me, and I used to hardcore weigh what people were doing for me vs what I was doing for them, but honestly, life sometimes just starts speeding up (esp w/ work & then if you have small kids) and all of a sudden months have passed and I haven’t reconnected with people I truly do love. I focus on my spouse, family & a few friends I adore (& make the effort even when they aren’t always doing the same), and everyone else… I enjoy spending time with when it is convenient to me/them and try not to put too much other stake in it.

             1. For my former work friends- once or twice a year, when I know I’m near their office, I’ll ask them if they are free for after work drinks or a quick dinner and that usually keeps the relationship going and is easy for everyone involved.

             2. OP again. You nailed it. I am SUCH an INFJ. Good call, Emma!

       2. These are some great words, thanks Anon @10:44.

    8. I think it’s just common. It’s hard to keep up friendships in adulthood when you don’t have the constant proximity that you get from work or school. And most adults just don’t have that much free time, so even if they want to hang out with you it’s hard to schedule. I wouldn’t take it personally

15. I would like to shop less. I don’t actually spend that much or have that much stuff, but I’m kind of a minimalist and am not being as great a minimalist as usual. Typically I browse ebay or poshmark during tasks just for a quick mindless break. I need ideas for things that will work as a substitute for that. Any ideas?

    I’d like to avoid an all out shopping ban or similar since I’m not actually buying all that much stuff and I’m well within budget. I just want to be more mindful about what I’m doing and why.

    1. Kindle app? Play angry birds? Twitter?

    2. You could try one-in, one-out. Every time you buy something you need to get rid of something. For you, since you like shopping poshmark and eBay (I do too) you might sell whatever is leaving your closet there. So before you hit the buy now button, ask yourself what you have to get rid of in order to make space for that new item. If you can’t think of anything, you probably don’t need the new thing.

    3. Follow a bunch of Instagram accounts that post photos of pretty things that you can’t or wouldn’t buy. I follow art accounts, foreign/travel scenes, hair accounts, glasses accounts, interior design accounts, and all plus-size fashion accounts (which don’t carry my size). I still get to enjoy mindlessly scrolling through as an end in itself. My shopping is far more under control than it used to be, probably owing to this and to more rigorous financial tracking that helps motivate me to save.

    4. Maybe switch to food blogs and shop for recipes instead of stuff?

    5. If I have any reason not to completely love something… I don’t buy it. I was buying way too many things that were great except…. “fill in blank.” Also, another tactic I do is to take a picture of the item, and then revisit/buy it a week later if I’m still thinking about it.

       1. I have done this for years and it works so well. I also feel like I have more stuff, because everything I see in my closet and kitchen are things I really love.

    6. I made a deal with myself a while back that I could look as much as I wanted, but I couldn’t actually click “complete your purchase” unless it was on the weekend. Most of the time I forget what’s in my shopping cart long before Saturday rolls around.

    7. I’ve become more mindful about my shopping by committing to care for anything I buy until it is completely used up / worn out / unrepairable. So, if I’m considering a new pair of shoes, I think, “Do I like these enough to take them to the cobbler when the heel wears out, and polish them, and have these in my closet for years?” For clothes, “Will I care for this appropriately – hand washing/dry cleaning/etc, mend it if it gets ripped, iron it when I need to, hang it nicely in my closet, etc?” Basically reminding myself not to think of things I buy as disposable, and take a step back from just imagining how much I’ll like wearing/having something.

    8. Do you want to learn another language? The Duolingo app is fun to play with and you can set it on silent so you don’t get prompted to speak.

16. My husband has struggled with alcoholism and depression (in the form of constant irritability). It has finally come to a head, and I told him that he either needs to get treated or I am leaving. When I looked back at emails, I realized that we have been in this pattern for 4 years. I ignore the problem (have 2 young kids and a demanding career – so I operate in survival mode), it comes to a head because he’s very drunk, irritable, irrational, etc. and I make the demand to get help. He apologizes but nothing advances. This time he has scheduled an appointment with a therapist – earliest appointment is in 3 weeks. I’m just not sure how long I can keep this up. How many ultimatums can you make? I really, really, really don’t want to get divorced for the sake of my kids, but I feel like I am left with no choice. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life on eggshells. Would appreciate some advice from those who have been there

    1. He needs to call his/your EAP today. He will have an appointment within 3 days as that is the service standard for most services. Three weeks is not acceptable.

    2. If you can’t live with him while he is going to therapy and getting treatment (which takes a long time) could you live separately for a trial separation? The length of a lease is a pretty appropriate amount of time to see if his therapy is working. It won’t get better overnight even with a good therapist and its very valid for you to not want to live with him while he is working through this process. To be clear I think its on him to move out and do the heavy lifting for this, not you.

    3. Call a divorce lawyer today. Divorce your angry alcoholic husband for the sake of your kids. Teach them that they are valued. Fight him tooth and nail for custody. Protect them. To you he’s grumpy. To them, he’s drunk and scary and you’re not protecting them.

       1. +1. You are doing your kids no favors by keeping them in that environment

       2. Agreed – kids aren’t blind, they can probably already tell there are problems. For their sake, get out.

    4. You should get divorced for the sake of your kids. How does living with an irritable, alcoholic father and walking on eggshells all the time improve their lives? How does living with a miserably married mother help them? Put your own oxygen mask on first – they need you.

    5. Living with a drunk, depressed, irritable alcoholic father and a mother who is depressed about it and walking on eggshells isn’t good for your kids either. Ask me how I know.

       1. Amen.

    6. Thank you guys. What shocks me is that I could have sworn this was a recent problem that could be fixed. When I searched my emails this morning, I see it dates back to 2015. I did not understand how long this has gone on.

       I didn’t realize how much therapy and work I need to do myself….

    7. I know divorce is hard, but my mom stayed together with my alcoholic dad “for the kids” and it was a complete nightmare. I would have been so relieved and happy if they would have gotten divorced, even if it would have meant living in a small apartment. Having an actively alcoholic parent is terrifying and traumatizing.

       I agree with everyone else that you would be well within your rights to separate from him at the very least. You can always get back together if he seems to be making progress and maintaining sobriety. And a big part of sobriety is dealing with the underlying problems that you were trying to drink over. So just not-drinking isn’t good enough.

       I started down the same path as my dad, but thankfully was able to quit drinking before it got really bad. This is going to sound awful, but I had to want to quit for myself before I was able to. I am not sure I would have been successful if my husband guilted me into doing it (though if it had gotten bad, he would have been well within his rights to leave me). I was already completely ashamed of myself and hated myself deeply. But I had to come to the decision on my own and do it for myself, not for anyone else. Even after knowing what my dad put my family through. It was baffling even to me. But I guess that’s what addiction is. It’s when you can’t be rational even when you know what the right answer is. The good news is that I quit drinking 8 months ago and have made a huge amount of progress already. There have been ups and downs, but at this point I’m doing great. You don’t have to sit around waiting for your husband. But if he’s ready to get better, it is definitely possible that he’ll be able to make progress quickly.

       1. Appreciate your transparency, anon. That’s a lot of hard-won wisdom.

    8. Yeah I’m very much a “stay in a loveless/passionless marriage for the sake of the kids” person, but you are doing your kids no favors by having them in this environment. This is one of the rare instances where divorce will almost certainly be better for the kids.

       1. Growing up with parents who are in a loveless marriage is also very harmful for kids. Do you think kids lack powers of observation? Do you think it is not harmful to model an unhappy marriage for them?

          1. It’s actually not. There’s lots of evidence that kids are better off in a ‘good enough’ marriage vs. divorced but OP’s situation is not a case of a marriage that just lacks passion. There are substantive issues.

             1. It’s not harmful to model an unhappy marriage? If you’re talking about a marriage where partners are happy with each other and have a good relationship but it lacks passionate romantic love, where the marriage is good enough but not perfect, then that’s a different thing all together than what I’d interpret a “loveless marriage” to be, but okay.

          2. It obviously depends on how private you can keep any marital issues, but I don’t think loveless necessarily equals unahppy. I think you can have a great relationship with your partner as a roommate and co-parent and can keep a very stable, happy home for your kids even if you no longer feel like you’re in romantic love. OP’s situation is very different though.

          3. I agree with the above two. “Loveless” means different things to different people. There are many happy marriages where the parents provide a great home to the kids but are not “in love” in the romantic sense but get along and love each other as people (just not as partners). The concept of a couple marrying for love and staying deeply in love the entire marriage is a relatively modern concepts, but the lack of it doesn’t necessarily mean an unsuccessful marriage. A love marriage where the individuals are also compatible partners is ideal, but a “loveless” but mutual care and respect works for a lot of people. The latter couples often seem more like happy roommates and that sense of peace and contentment is enough for some people.

             1. That’s all fine, I don’t inherently disagree with any of that. Just not how I’d interpret the phrase “loveless marriage,” but okay.

       2. Exactly! A marriage that is “blah” is not the same as actively harmful.

    9. Serious question: how does it help the kids if he gets partial custody and then they’re alone with an irritable, alcoholic father?

       1. Because he probably won’t bother using much parenting time, he isn’t abusive, and they’re better off having one happy home than none.

          1. Okay. The “living on eggshells” line made me think that he is abusive. I wouldn’t personally feel safe around someone who was “very drunk,” larger than me, and in charge of me? But maybe if he’s that far gone, he won’t get custody.

             1. I obviously don’t know OP’s situation, but there are a lot of relationships where one person feels like they’re walking on eggshells that may not qualify as “abusive.” For example, my dad would get moderately drunk and was irritable and angry and depressed. He could be fine or even jovial one minute and then quickly snap to angry and morose. He’d yell and pout and lecture us on our various sins, or isolate and ignore us. This was very unpleasant and often scary. It hurt, emotionally. So we all learned to avoid doing anything to trigger a mood– hence, walking on eggshells. But he never physically hurt us and I was never scared that he would. He was a competent, functional parent who by all accounts loved us very much. When he was happy, which was often, he was a fun, engaged parent who took an interest in us and cared for us and basically raised us right. It was just extremely emotionally trying to be around him when he was upset and to modify your behavior to avoid that. Yes, that’s a bad thing for children to experience and can create long-lasting maladaptive patterns in relationships, and that’s why OP should divorce this person and why this person needs help. We could have a long conversation about what qualifies as abuse and neglect and I’m not trying to define that here, but I do not think that we have to conclude that walking on eggshells = abusive and automatically unfit to parent.

             2. I started to write that he is not abusive to the kids but TBH I don’t trust my own judgement right now. He is a constant low key bad mood, but doesn’t scream or yell or hit. I do worry about him getting black out drunk after the kids go to bed though. You can’t predict when the kids will take in the night for something.

             3. What you’re describing should qualify as abuse. It’s emotional, but it’s still abuse.

             4. @12:06 – I know you all have OP’s best interest at heart and you want her to get out of a marriage that could be dangerous to her or her kids, but it’s really important to be careful with legal advice and language, particularly if you are not qualified. There is a lot of bad and inaccurate advice in this thread. I already posted below about the problems with access to mental health treatment.

                What OP has described, LEGALLY SPEAKING (in caps to make sure I’m not diminishing how any one feels about a personal situation they have lived through) would not qualify as abuse in my family courts. She says he doesn’t yell, scream or hit, he is just constantly in a bad mood. He might get really drunk after the kids are in bed. People like that, where I live, do not have their kids taken away.

                I don’t want OP to go into a divorce thinking this is a slam dunk that she gets custody of her kids. It is not. It’s also not a slam dunk that they have to split time either. It is very much in that gray area and will be VERY expensive to prove and will make their co-parenting relationship extremely contentious. It is not as easy as you are all making it out to be.

             5. I was the 12:06 responder; my response was actually to 11:53, who doesn’t seem to think what she’s describing qualifies as abuse.

             6. Oh my god, Anonymous at 1:17. Sure, go ahead and tell CPS that dad gets irritable sometimes thus he’s abusive and then see what they do. Go ahead and tell the judge that your husband “is abusive” because he gets mad and yells and see how far that gets you. What is with this inane black and white thinking?

                I was responding to the very specific accusation that OP’s husband was abusive based on OP’s use of the phrase “walking on eggshells.” I was not trying to take a stance that behavior is not abuse if it’s not physical. I am not trying to say that emotional abuse doesn’t exist or that verbal remarks/blow ups can never constitute abuse. I’m not trying to define what actions constitute abuse or what constitutes an “abusive parent” at all. I really hoped that with the nuance and the disclaimers I shoved in my post– which is an accurate description of my life, by the way–that people would take in good faith and read it for what it actually says. This is what I wrote: “We could have a long conversation about what qualifies as abuse and neglect and I’m not trying to define that here, but I do not think that we have to conclude that walking on eggshells = abusive and automatically unfit to parent.”

       2. If he really can’t care for the kids, he won’t get custody. If he’s one of those guys who’s just a giant manchild (more likely) he will have to step up an care for the kids when they’re in his custody.

       3. While I agree with you, it can still help. I have a friend in a similar situation. Ex turned into a drug addict criminal with some really nasty behaviors. He still gets to have the kids one weekend/month unsupervised. While this terrifies my friend, she thinks it is better for the kids to see that his behavior was not normal and had consequences. It is better for them to be miserable once/month than every day. Even if it was god forbid 50/50, having one “sane” house can show a kid what normal should look like.

          The reality is, mom isn’t likely protecting them/shielding them as much as she thinks while they are still together and they likely worry about her too.

    10. I would not tolerate a 3 week lag in seeing someone about this. I bet there is an AA meeting somewhere local today. He needs to go or he needs to pack a bag. Today.

        I left my fiance 3 months before our wedding due to his drinking. I begged him to go to the doctor, get treatment, etc. I was faced with the same thing – I don’t like the therapist we saw last time, I don’t want to call her to ask for a recommendation, I called my PCP but the soonest appointment is in three months shrug oh well. No. If you call the doctor and say, I am in immediate danger of harming myself and my family due to my alcoholism and I need to start treatment ASAP, I do not believe that they would schedule you for weeks or months out. He is lying. He does not think this is a big deal and he is not interested in seeking treatment. I’m very sorry.

        1. You are very much incorrect about access to mental health treatment. Some places really do have long waiting lists. 3 weeks is short where I live. Danger to yourself or others is not how you define it. It means suicide or murder and you will be committed until they can get you appropriate outpatient treatment. Being a jerk to your spouse does not qualify. People where I live languish in hospital emergency rooms for weeks waiting for in-patient beds at mental health hospitals. There is a triage situation and what OP is describing would be low priority. Actively hallucinating and needing restraints would be priority.

           1. Unfortunately, this is true. Unless you already have a relationship with a provider (even a PCP can help in some cases), the wait for mental health treatment can be horrifically long. For example, the wait for inpatient treatment for certain mental illnesses can be 6 months – 1 year, at every center across the country. I know. I’ve asked.

           2. I’m the person you’re responding to. Re “danger” – in that paragraph I was talking about my experience, not OP’s, and yes my SO was a danger to me and to himself. I demanded he get into immediate treatment after he went into a drunken, violent rage. I still have physical scars from the attack (years ago). If there was no other option for him but to present himself to an ER to be committed, then that’s what he needed to do if he wanted a chance with me; considering the violence, I think that was a more than fair line for me to draw. Also I mentioned the easy availability of AA as an option for OP’s husband.

           3. OK, but he can start going to AA meetings tonight if he wants to. If he doesn’t, there’s your answer.

        2. Doesn’t sound like he’s in immediate danger of physically harming himself or his family, though. There’s a large gap between immediate danger of physically harming yourself or others and needing mental health care sooner rather than later, meanwhile causing his relationships to suffer. Immediate risk of harm to self or others is basically a term of art in this field and you can’t simply toss it around because you want a quicker appointment. Your advice is bad. Signed, someone who actually has been admitted to the hospital on an emergency basis like your’e describing.

           1. See my response at 12:35.

              1. If your situation was so wildly different from OPs, as your 12:35 post makes clear, then why are you pretending like her husband can/should do what yours did? If you were talking about your experience, then why did you accuse OP’s husband of lying and not caring whether he gets treatment? Your post to her makes no sense in this context.

    11. Insist that he see his regular doctor ASAP. There are medical treatments for both depression and alcoholism that he can start NOW, vs. waiting around for 3 weeks and hoping talk therapy will work, which in the case of physical addiction it most likely won’t.

        1. Yes – this. AA is nightmarish for some people and there are new, modern, medical science approaches that could work.

    12. Hi OP — I’ve been in a similar boat very recently. We have two elementary-aged kids, and my soon-to-be-ex has suffered from severe mental illness and alcoholism for a long time. He had control of the drinking until recently. We were stuck in a pattern where I would get close to the end of my rope, demand change, he would slightly, and I would back off, grateful for the temporary reprieve. Then he spiraled down again this fall/winter. I did a similar search and realized how long I had been walking on eggshells and how much I had diminished myself in the process (hiding my own feelings, not being true to myself, etc.). Then he went through a series of events in January that made it easier* for me to say enough. In early February, I said I wanted a divorce. It is so incredibly difficult and so very liberating. I feel like I am still stuck in the dark, but I can see good coming for me and my kids. Yes, divorce is difficult on all involved, but having an alcoholic parent and one who is walking on eggshells/not her best self will pale in comparison to a woman who shows her kids her own self-worth, stands up for herself and shows that *this* is not what true partnership and love means. And, if it is any consolation, our parenting agreement stipulates that soon-to-be-ex will visit the kids every other weekend and they will spend the night at home with me, every night.
        For practical advice: reach out to a divorce lawyer and ask about what you should be documenting, just in case you need it.
        Hang-in there and know that better days are ahead.

    13. AA is open today and every day if he’s serious about wanting help.

17. Any ideas on how to untangle a long necklace? I’m in DC and willing to pay someone to get it done, because my own attempts have been futile. This beautiful necklace has been gathering dust for 2 years because of all of the tangles. Help!

    1. Any jeweler will do this! They use pins to do it. I love the challenge of unknotting them myself but after two years just take it in!

       1. Thank you! DC ladies, any jeweler you can recommend? I’d rather go to someone very reliable (these necklaces are not cheap).

          1. Today’s Cargo in Old Town is great with stuff like this, but really, any independent jeweler can handle this.

    2. I use pins or paper clips (unbent) on a flat surface, but it does take time and patience.

    3. Oh, if only I were in DC! I love untangling necklaces and would do it for free! I use pins, sit in bright natural light, and try to be patient.

18. I live in DC and am looking for a cleaning service to do a single deep cleaning of our condo. We moved in a few months ago and have kept up with the cleaning, but there’s a lot of build up from the age of the unit that I would like to address. I want things like appliance nooks and baseboard corners cleaned, but it would also be great if they would just do a “deep clean” instead of me having to list specific tasks (since I might not know what to ask for). Does anyone have a recommendation?

    1. I’m not in DC but I think you are looking for a commercial cleaning service that cleans apartments and offices when tenants turn over. Regular cleaning services don’t seem to handle your requirements that well, especially if you can’t point them to the specific needs.

    2. I’m in DC. I’ve used Rent Maids and have been happy with them.

19. How is it that a decent high impact sports bra is so incredibly hard to find? Does anyone have any recs for a bra that has adjustable straps and doesn’t require me to dislocate my shoulders to put it on? I used to love Moving Comfort’s Rebound Racer, but they seem to have stopped making it.

    1. I gave up; I compared several “top” sports bras to a well-fit regular bra, and the latter was more effective anyway.

    2. Brooks makes the Rebound Racer. I like it and their Juno bra.

       1. Wacoal Sport makes a great one with adjustable straps (not racerback), underwires that keep everything in place. They wear like iron and are well worth the price! Black/white/tan don’t go on sale, but if you’re open to different colors, I’ve found some at Nordstrom Rack at a better price as I’m not picky on the color.

          1. +1

    3. Brooks (formerly Moving Comfort) still offer a couple with adjustable straps. I’ve also heard good things about Panache and Enell but haven’t tried those yet.

    4. I love the Freya Sonic high impact sports bra. Straps are adjustable and can be converted to regular or racer back – it has a little hook thingy on the straps. Bonus that it comes in hard to find sizes and lots of colors too!

    5. “SYROKAN women’s front adjustable lightly padded racerback high impact sports bra” on Amazon. True to size. $26 and it’s insanely comfortable and does its job.

    6. Shock Absorber or Panache make great, high-impact ones.

    7. Late to post, but I got some great ones made by Anita at Title IX. Spendy but well worth it.

       These: https://www.titlenine.com/product/seismic-underwire-sports-bra-300701.do?sortby=ourPicks&refType=&from=Search

    8. Under armour makes great sports bras!

20. Any advice for networking over the course of a 3 day conference? I am attending an upcoming ABA conference and I don’t know if I need to do anything to prepare. A partner from my group will be there for part of it, and I (associate) will be there for the whole conference. I looked through the list of conference attendees and I don’t know or know of anyone else there. I want to make the most of this both in terms of learning about a practice area to which I am relatively new, and with making contacts in my field.

    TL;DR: what’s your best conference networking advice?

    1. At break time, walk up to a standing table with a few people at it and ask “can I join you?” Then introduce yourself. Same at lunch. There are lots of people attending who are in your situation and they will be happy for the icebreaker.

       The most common topic seems to be figuring out who you and a stranger both know.

    2. I have very actively networked in many conferences…..you just work it – my advice is just go and put yourself out there, friendly, introduce yourself to people….look at the list of attendees and identify a few that you want to seek out and meet….otherwise just be open to introductions and networking is all about giving…for prep work, think about what you can offer to your new contacts…..input in your area of expertise? additional networking with your contacts? organizations that you may connect them with?

    3. I’ve attended a number of ABA conferences and still do (which one are you going to)? There are ice breakers and receptions for younger attorneys or first time attendees. Go to them. Figure out which committee meetings you want to attend. They’re usually smaller groups and great ways to meet people. Inevitably, everything you will want to attend will conflict and be at the same time. Depending on the conference, look on facebook because there are groups for aba conferences and you could introduce yourself there. Also I would also consider reaching out to the contact for your committee or a sub-committee and ask if they can introduce you by email to anyone. The ABA is in desperate need of new blood right now and I expect they’ll work to find you a mentor or contact for the conference.

       1. Insurance coverage litigation. Any corporettes going to be there?

          1. Awesome. I’ll be there. This is a super relaxed and friendly conference and is small enough that you’ll make friends. If you send me a burner email, I’ll reach out! (Don’t want to put my email on this forum.)

    4. My favorite conference tip is to see who asks questions during presentations or sessions, and then find them afterward and say you thought it was a great question and introduce yourself. Typically it works best if you think of some relevance their question has to your own work, so you can say, “I was so glad to hear you ask X; I recently wrapped up a case working on X-adjacent thing.” Or, if you think the person seems interesting but you can’t think of relevance to your own work, just say, “I thought your question on X was really interesting and definitely made me think – I spend most of my time working on Y so it’s great to hear different perspectives.”

    5. If it’s the Tucson conference, then come find me!

21. Please help a young ‘rette out. How long would you feel obligated to stay in a position you were unhappy in if you were brought over to the company by two mentors you like and respect? I worked for them previously at Company A and they brought me over to Company B. They stuck out their necks for me, created a new position, and I moved to a new state. That was 6 months ago. I’ve since realized that it wasn’t my previous job environment that I was unhappy in, it’s the industry as a whole. I really love Company B in general though and after going to a company career counselor, I’ve realized I want to stay here but move to a completely new section. (Pretend I’m in law and want to move to marketing. I’m not in law but that’s how different the two fields are). I’m young so this isn’t a big mid life career change. I’ve just realized there’s no way I can spend the rest of my life doing what I’m doing and I’m interested in something else. Technically I can apply internally after 9 months with the company but I’m worried that’s not long enough to avoid burning bridges. Is a year long enough? I think regardless of the amount of time, they will be shocked. They are heavy hitters, one is the highest position of my area and is technically responsible for over 800 people. I’m very lucky to have the relationship that I have with them at my level and I want to be careful.

    1. Wait until you’re eligible to apply for the transfer, then meet with your mentor(s) and tell them you want to try something else and hope they will support you. Express gratitude for what they’ve done for you and don’t say negative things about what you do now (which is presumably what they do) – just put a positive spin on it and broach it as an opportunity to expand your experience.

    2. this happened to me, but much later in career….mentor took 1 year to get me into a position I wanted (longer than I had hoped) and then after 9 months I realized I wanted out…..I didn’t move to a different state though. You couldn’t have known everything about the new position and have a POV on the industry until you got a second position in the industry….so you’re making logical and informed decisions. I think you should talk to your mentors and explain your assessment of what’s best for you. At the end of the day, you don’t owe them anything and you have to do what is right for you.

    3. I think 9 months to a year is about right. I don’t think your mentors will be as shocked as you think. It’s pretty common for people to move around early in their careers. Fwiw I was working fulltime before I went back to school to be a lawyer. I had a great mentor at the time. He was sad to see me go but was very supportive of me.

    4. I think that you would have to stay for 2-3 years for them not to be upset… That being said, you are not going to stay that long. I think you could start interviewing at the 9 month point, which would put you leaving at close to a year, which is respectable. You just need to be really upfront and honest with your mentors, especially before you apply to anything internal– they need to hear you’re leaving from you and not from someone else in the company. Also, they may be more understanding and helpful than you think. We have alumni of my law firm that left for reasons similar to what you’re describing and they still come to our Christmas party and have lunch with people that work here, etc.

22. Has anyone here traveled to a less traditional vacation spot in central America (like Guatemala or El Salvador)? I have the opportunity to meet a friend who is based there – and who hasn’t had any problems during that time – but these countries are listed with travel warning on the Dept of State site.

    1. I’ve been to Guatemala. Antigua is beautiful and I wouldn’t call it a “less traditional” vacation spot. The State Department travel advisory for Guatemala is Level 2, the same level it is for France…

    2. Guatemala has a level 2 travel alert. To put that in perspective, so does France, so I wouldn’t let that alone dissuade me. Just do research and exercise caution; I think if you’re traveling with a friend who is based there and presumably knows the areas to avoid, you’ll be fine. (I have been to Guatemala as a day trip from Belize, but that’s it, so no country-specific advice). I probably would avoid level 3 alerts, or at least do a lot more research as to why they were level 3 and what specific areas were impacted.

       1. Thanks! I haven’t found any recent reports from tourists that felt unsafe but the country does has a lot of gang violence, which seems to be the reason for the Level 3 alert. Still my friend has been there for some time working with a group of other expats and no one has reported any problems, which makes me think that it isn’t crazy to go.

    3. My sister travelled across most of South Smerican states (except for Venezuela) wihout any problems. Just don’t go to places you are obviously “not welcome” and stay out of shady barrios. If you want specific tips, drop me your burner email and I will get you in touch.

       1. Thanks very much! My email is travelrette at the mail of the g

    4. I went to Colombia a few weeks ago, it was great. I think those advisories are for less-savvy people. Just take normal precautions and it will be okay.

       1. Thanks. Columbia is only a Level 2 advisory, which seems ok but El Salvador was just upgraded from Level 4 to Level 3, which seems riskier. It’s hard to really evaluate the risk. I do agree that less-savvy people should be more cautious but I am feel disadvantaged as a young (very pale and therefore readily identifiable as foreign) woman.

    5. FYI: El Salvador has among the highest rates of death in road traffic crashes in the world. And in general, death in a car crash is a significant risk in Central America. Choose the car service over the cheap and atmospheric public bus; at a minimum, you’ll be more likely to be in a vehicle with modern safety technology if you’re in a crash.

       Signed,
       A person who worked in Latin American road safety advocacy

       1. Interesting – good to know!

          1. Hey! Are you my friend coming to visit me? In El Salvador, you should avoid public transportation and unfamiliar areas of cities after dark. Since you don’t live here, that means pretty much stick with your friends and go with them, especially at night, but not on your own. Use Uber to get around, or have your friends give you the telephone number of their favorite taxi service. I avoid driving out of town at night, but we will drive across town to a restaurant or a friends’ house at night, or take a cab. DO NOT get on the buses in El Salvador. Ever. No matter what color of skin you have – from dark brown to pasty white – your dress and manner will likely tag you as American very quickly, even if you speak very good Spanish. Gangs tend not to go after foreign tourists here, for a host of reasons, and it isn’t about the color of your skin (there is also no “Salvadoran” skin color; all the colors here from redheads with freckles to chocolate). However, if you are on your own in the central market or on a bus or stopped on the street, just give them the money or phone or whatever and be done with it; same advice you’d usually get for any location. This is the only country I’ve been in, even in Latin America, where I feel safer speaking English really loudly with a big U.S. flag on my shirt.

             1. thanks! I am going directly from the airport to a beach hotel via the hotel’s shuttle service to meet my friend. Then we will travel back to El Salvador together. I think our tour may end late afternoon and we’d be on the coast (El Tunco area) and need to travel back to San Salvador. It sounds like we should spend another night on the coast to avoid traveling that route at night?

             2. Meant “San Salvador together” no El Salvador – obvs :(

             3. Any chance you are going to Las Flores or Puro Surf? Both are great. From El Tunco to San Sal, it depends on who is driving and when. I’d avoid the road after 9pm but I hate driving in at night no matter where I am. If you have an experienced driver who knows El Salvador and you’re not leaving much after 8pm, you’d probably be fine. Otherwise, yeah, stay over night and head back up the hill to San Salvador in the morning. My advice changes 100% if you will be travelling in between May-October; I would absolutely not drive after dark from El Tunco in rainy season. Storms are fierce and visibility drops to less than a meter, but drivers are still crazy.

    6. I traveled recently to El Salvador with my boyfriend and his family. He, in particular, was the most concerned about the trip, since he was from there and knew from experience many of the country’s struggles. However–particularly because we were with individuals who lived there and knew where to go (both for fun and safety)–we had no issues. And because it is an area that does not get a lot of tourists from outside of Central America, but would like to get many more, people were incredibly welcoming. I had a wonderful time, and would recommend your trip given the information you’ve provided here.

       1. Thanks!

    7. +1 to the advice that you should be fine if you’ll be with someone who knows the area. I’ve been to a couple places in Africa that could have been dicey, but the locals know how to avoid unwise situations. Just like being in your home country, most of the dangerous situations can be avoided if you know the lay of the land, and those that can’t be avoided are probably just the usual risk of being alive anywhere on the planet. Staying in the US won’t change those.

23. I know it is a first world problem, but leaving for my first vacation in years Friday and in the process of organizing transportation today realized the hotel isn’t actually on a beach and you have to take a boat to get to one. I hate boats :( There are beach pics all over the website but they don’t say “btw this isn’t actually outside the hotel.” And of course yesterday was the last day to cancel for free and now the other hotels are like 3x the price. All I want to do is lay on the sand.

24. I personally would go to the areas that are Level 2 (Exercise increased caution) security risk but wouldn’t risk it for Level 3 (Re-consider travel), so El Salvador would be out for me, and depending on where in Guatemala, it may be out as well. I traveled to Turkey by myself and met up with a female friend that was living over there at the time, while it was under Level 2 but wouldn’t go currently (and my friend left Turkey due to increased security and safety concerns), now that it is Level 3.

    1. Thanks

25. I need help with bra shopping. My city has nowhere decent to buy underthings anymore, which stinks because I could use a fitting and I refuse VS on principle. Any recs for online ordering? Is ThirdLove worth it? $68 for a t-shirt bra seems spendy. I’m a standard size (34B-C) and prefer something pretty basic — underwire for lift, lightly lined. Soma didn’t work for me at all. I ordered four different styles and the straps were SO SHORT on all of them!

    And I’m not sure what’s up with my band size, which hasn’t changed in forever. A 34 band feels suffocatingly tight even though I’m a tall size 10 and have lost 15 pounds in the past two years?

    Bra shopping used to be super simple for me. Maybe everybody is using crap materials now, but I’ve run into lots of ill-fitting or just plain uncomfortable stuff at Kohl’s and the like.

    1. You don’t have any small independently run bra shops in your greater urban area? That’s a shame. The only good measurements I’ve had outside of an independent bra shop have been at Nordstrom. Can you get to one of those? Otherwise, arm yourself with a tape measure and use a bra that fits on redd1t, and use amazon free shipping and returns to try on a bunch of bras.

       1. This is what I did. I had my husband help me measure and then ordered a bunch on amazon and through trial and error finally found a brand and style that fits well.

    2. I would go to Nordstrom. Even if it’s two hours away, plan a weekend shopping excursion.

       1. I feel it’s worth reminding this board that not everyone lives in a major metro area.

          The nearest Nordstrom is eight hours away. We have an OK department store in my town, but the bra fitting people are very … unapproachable, and not knowledgeable, I’m afraid. I knew more about the bras than they did.

          1. If that’s the case, then I think online places like ThirdLove are basically made for your situation. I realize it costs a bit more, but in my experience, going to an independent retailer with great fitting services usually costs me about the same for a bra. Those stores tend to stock more expensive brands. And they don’t usually have love it or return it policies. I’ve never used ThirdLove, but if I were in your situation, it’s probably the first place I would go.

             1. +1, I live in a major metro area, but my size/preference is just weird… I order TONS of bras online and then end up returning almost all of them, but do occasionally find ones I like. I’m also really sensitive about band size & the way things feel (sensory issues!)- I really like bralettes- they give coverage, are pretty, but don’t feel suffocating (I get mine at Torrid, but that might be too big for you).

             2. Good point about the cost of an independent retailer vs. the cost of Third Love. I should probably give it a go and see what happens.

                I’m also suspecting that my second pregnancy might’ve changed my band size permanently. Now that I think about it, I almost always need a size large in a sports bra in order to be supported, but still able to breathe. Size large doesn’t exactly equate with a 34 band size! It’s possible that I’m actually a 36B instead of a 34B. Guess I’ll order a bunch and see what happens.

          2. Seriously try the Reddit thing. It has been life changing for me. I’m so much more comfortable now and I look tons better. And my prior size was Nordstrom measured.

             1. I tried Nordstrom twice (the same person helped each time – one year apart) and neither was a good experience. I’ve had better luck using Reddit’s A Bra That Fits page.

    3. The Soma ladies have always been great for a fitting- is there one in your area? They are also easy to deal with on line and their sales are very good

       1. Sadly, the Soma in my town closed recently. I’m surprised it didn’t do better — there is such an untapped market for people who have aged out of the VS demographic.

    4. Have you had a child since your last fitting? Pregnancy made me go up a band size and a cup size – the bra shop I went to said it was a really common side effect based on the loosening of ligaments and growth of rib cage to accomodate organ movement.

       Also, I think Panache makes bras for taller women with longer straps (and possibly bands?)

    5. I know I am super late to this thread, but I’ve had good luck with herroom . com . They have a wide selection of brands and range of sizes. They have a lot of guidance on finding the right fit.

       If your budget allows, I suggest funding a style that you know fits you well, and ordering multiple duplicates in a range of band/cup combinations. The goal is to find something that fits perfectly *now*, and send the rest back. Then you can work from there.

       Also, sometimes if you’ve gone up a cup size it can make your band feel too tight. A lot depends on specific elements of how the cups fit (angle, elasticity, etc).

    6. You might look at Her Room dot com. Amazing information on each item on their site, quick shipping and returns, and tons of options. As I cannot wear underwires any longer, they have the best set of wirefree items. That said, they show pictures of the items on mannequins as well as with different blouse necklines. And more! Just a loyal customer here.

26. Might repost this in the afternoon thread if this is too late.

    Until recently, I had anxiety that wasn’t managed very well- all of the tips and tricks + Ativan just didn’t cut it. But, after getting on the right combo of drugs (Wellbutrin plus Lamotrigine), I managed to get off of all Ativan. Haven’t taken any since Christmas. I was taking it at night before that.

    But since maybe Thursday (?) I’ve felt a lot of anxiety. I just figured out that’s what it is this morning, but it’s definitely been there for a few days. I’m irritable, teary, and have that “I’m going to cry or possibly have a panic attack” feeling a lot. Spiraling a bit. I’m also up late, which doesn’t happen when my anxiety is doing OK; I’m also up in the middle of the night. I’m in the midst of moving and work is a bit stressful, so my life isn’t totally calm, but it’s nothing horrible. My only thought about why this is happening is that I know this weekend is going to be tough- my dad is coming to help move, which is very nice of him but we don’t always get along. He’s going to meet one of my friends for the first time and I just really don’t want him to be a d*ck to me while my friend is there.

    How do you manage when your anxiety spikes? I’m trying to sleep as well as I can, eat well, self-care, lean out at work, etc., plus trying to focus on breathing a couple of times a day, but it just isn’t cutting it. I’m almost ready to take a little bit of Ativan at night for the next week, because I’m pretty miserable and unproductive. Any other tips? Or should I just take the meds for this week and let that be OK?

    1. Suggestions: 1. Meds are ok. Just take them if they help. (Assuming you have an Rx and your doc is aware). 2. Not sure if this will work for your life, but sometimes it’s ok to just avoid the stressor. If it’s spending time with your dad that is stressing you out, just cancel. Tell him you decided to hire a mover or tell him you’re sick. Think of it as a sick day. 3. If you’re working unproductively take a sick day. Go outside and walk around. Eat nice things. Go to a movie. 4. Write it all down to get it out of your head. I do things before bed sometimes if I’m spinning on something.
       Good luck. * hugs*

    2. I’ve been in your shoes, for many years, until I recognized that my anxiety is a way of my body and mind telling me that a bit too much is going on or current situation is causing too much stress – you need to take a break, take care of yourself and take the meds if needed….cancel Dad if that will help (may be a relief) I manage anxiety with lots of exercise, time outdoors, alone time if needed, healthy diet and magnesium. I rarely drink alcohol as that is a depressant that I just don’t need. You are going to have anxiety if life gets overwhelming- it’s how you manage it that makes the difference- take good care of yourself

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