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Calibrachoa
Pretty! :D
TJ: What would y’all wear with a black dress that is “Waffle texture”? this dress is perfect fit, perfect length, with short sleeves and a great neckline… but I dunno how to style it because the texture throws me off.
In the Pink
Of course you could wear it with something of a smooth, non-textured pattern.
However, what about a nice windowpane jacket or one with a large animal print? I would say either of those with a color in them would be great.
Think of the dress as the background. So a solid jacket with a pop of a statement necklace with the same color.
Or simple jewelry and the abovementioned patterned jacket with colors in it, with a little black as well.
Don’t fret over the texture of the dress. Seems minimal.
Enjoy combining!
Anonymous
Shoe TJ: I’ve stepped into a few too many sidewalk cracks in my (leather covered) heels. Is there anything that can be done other than stretching the leather back over and glueing it down? The ones I’m most concerned about are Jimmy Choos, if that makes a difference.
New Girl
Get thee to a cobbler, ASAP!
preg anon
I’ve been disappointed in many cobblers, so I would recommend taking one of your cheaper pairs to a cobbler to see how he does before you hand him your whole collection. If you don’t like how he repairs them, then take another pair to another cobbler, and so on. Seriously, cobblers can be really expensive, and often times I’m not very impressed.
Lia
If you’re in NYC a cobbler should be able to fix that for $15 or so. Totally worth it.
AIMS
Besides glueing, you can also recover the heel completely in new leather. This is obviously easier for a pair of simple black heels vs. something more unusual.
Ellen
This is exactely what I do! There is a shoe guy on Lex that know’s me very well b/c he is ALWAYS repeairing my shoe’s. I damage so many shoe’s on the curb’s and other place’s in the City that my dad says they should sell shoe insurance! But for $25, he fixes all my shoe’s and boot’s. He also scrape’s my NIKE’s when it get’s caked up with mud and dog poopie that I are NOT abel to get out myself. He says I am his best customer b/c I also have him shine all of my shoe’s every month so that I look VERY profesional in court and with my CLEINT’s! YAY!
I decided not to date Sam any more. Between the VEEGAN stuff and the nose pickeing, I decided I could NOT marry him. I also did NOT like it when he let me see his weenie either. FOOEY b/c he wanted to sleep with me on his TEMPUR PEDIEC MATTRES, and I would NOT do that. Now I hope David or Willem step up and be a mensh, so that I can get MARRIED and have a child NOW! YAY!!!!
Susie
I think you made the right call regarding Sam, he sounded like a LOOZER to me.
Chicago-shoe-wearer
Not sure where you’re located – but the generous ladies of this site gave me some good cobbler recs for Chicago in yesterday morning’s thread.
DC Wonkette
I just got my Jimmys fixed, and they were able to make them look like new (granted, they are black which is easier to fix).
Anon today
Business trip threadjack – With my new position, I’ll be traveling to Florida once per quarter, at least. As I’m a born and raised New Englander, I don’t know what clothes to wear. Cold weather is my preference so I have no experience packing for Florida other than Disney World as a kid. The dress code will be business casual and jeans are allowed. Is it too hot in the summer for jeans? Also, skirts or dresses are not an option as I work in an industrial field. I appreciate the advice as I’m out of my element with hot and humid weather. Thank god for A/C!
Wildkitten
Ankle length cigarette pants with classy flats?
Cross-body
I’m in the south but north of Florida. It is so hot and humid here that I just can’t wear jeans in the summer. Maybe if the temperature is <75, depending on humidity.
I wear Nordstrom's Halogen Taylor pants (lots of colors) and Lands End has some washable ponte knit pants (the bootcut ones). Those have worked in the summer for me.
Wildkitten
Ankle length cigar3tt3 pants with classy flats?
Anon
Can’t you just wear whatever you’d normally wear when working in the summer in New England?
mascot
With the exception of actual industrial sites, everything is air conditioned. Everything. I agree that you will likely be ok in whatever you wear in NE for the summer. If you are doing field work or plant visits, you’ll have to wear whatever their safety protocol requires so try to get lightweight versions of pants/jeans.
Hel-lo
Lightweight dress pants – linen, light cotton, etc. Summer-weight cardis would also seem appropriate. I wear tons of linen in the summer.
Brighter colors, too. Would you be ok wearing something open-toed?
Lady Harriet
I’m in Florida. Usually I’m freezing in the A/C inside, but jeans outside are a misery in the summer, even for a relatively short time. I second cotton, linen, or even silk pants. Bring a lightweight jacket or cardigan and dress as if you’re going to be changing layers frequently. For example, if you don’t want to wear sleeveless for a work situation outside, then wear a short-sleeved shirt as your bottom layer, because keeping a cardigan on when it’s 90 out is no fun.
Natural fibers are definitely your friend. I wear a lot of silk-blend knits, which are great. I’d also suggest machine-washable clothing if possible–being outdoors will make me sweat, no matter what. This is another reason layers are good–I often come inside hot and sweaty, but then cool off in the A/C quickly, so then I end up cold and clammy.
If you don’t have safety restrictions because of your field, open-toed shoes and often even sandals are generally fine here.
Cross-body
My mother has been doing the cross-body thing for-evah. In a way that says woman-who-remembers-the-Koch-administration. Now she is all about how it is OK b/c of the cross-body trend. Do newer cross-body bags have longer/skinnier straps than standard purses (think original Coach bags, which I remember being worn cross body in the 80s)?
This is our standard jovial bickering fodder, so there is no winner (and Mom is not about to change). I am on Team College ID Wallet Thrown Into Messenger Bag, so I probably am the true loser here.
Killer Kitten Heels
Yes, I think the current crop of “crossbodies” have longer and skinnier straps than a standard bag, so the bag ends up hanging around mid-hip, rather than up at your waist, which is where the 80s-style crossbody hit. So I think if you’re wearing a bag across your body, it’ll look dated if the strap is thicker/bag hits you higher, and more modern/current with a skinnier strap/bag riding lower on your body.
OHCFO
The part about the crossbody that bothers me is where the strap goes across the chest. Is it supposed to cross above your girls, on top, or in between the two? Being on the smaller end of the scale, the strap always seems to end up in between, which is super awkward and looks silly IMO.
Baconpancakes
It’s worse on the bigger end of the scale. There’s no choice of where the strap goes – it falls right off the mountains and into the valley. The strap inevitably cuts into the side of one, and they bulge around it on either side of the strap.
Silvercurls
From the other end of the telescope, If it’s any comfort, I recall a colleague bemoaning the fact that her br*asts were too _large_ to accommodate a crossbody strap. I think she also was concerned about unwanted emphasis and attention. This can be either negative inspiration(evidence that no matter what our size and shape, we women can find something not to like about our bodies) or positive. I try to keep things practical so that my choice of crossbody and hang-from-one-shoulder strap positions depends on what I’m wearing, how much other awkward stuff I might be carrying, and/or whether I’m around anyone whose interest I do not want to elicit. This manages to defang most of the negative self-talk re my own shape and whether it’s too much this or too little that.
Short version: In other words, wear what works and no more worries. Nothing to see here, folks. I’m just living my life. Keep moving. RAWR.
Hel-lo
Exactly. My DH *loves* when I wear a messenger bag or other bag across my chest. I’m a larger B/small C.
I take it as a compliment form him, but don’t really want that kind of attention from others.
Pancakes
I’m pretty small (an A), and I put mine in between. I think it looks less awkward with tops that are more structured (ie: a button down or a weightier fabric top)…rather than something blousy, which will just settle into that crack.
Cordelia Chase
I am relatively busty (heh) and I wear cross-body bags all the time. I always place the strap above both of them (heh, again) and it works well for me.
OCAssociate
I originally read this as Cross-fit, and was so confused as to why it wouldn’t be ok. I was seriously impressed with your mom.
KC
The print didn’t really register until I clicked through, but the tile effect is really neat!
Paging Batgirl
No quite sure how to word this, but I caught up on yesterday’s thread and wow. I’m sure it doesn’t bother you in the slightest, but reading some of those comments on weddings yesterday made me feel for you and honestly embarrassed by how judgmental people are.
Anonymous
I kind of thought the same thing. And everyone that was all like, “why does the ring matter?” obviously did not go through the engagement process in their mid-to-late 20s when every.single.one of their high school and college friends did the engagement+ring thing. It may not matter to some people, but if it does matter to you, you should not feel ashamed about it. Also, I know my husband would not have proposed without a “nice” ring. He just would not have felt good about it.
Honestly, my husband and I (it feels like a lifetime ago) had similar kinds of arguments about the timeline. I wanted to be engaged yesterday and he was more plodding about it. I look back now, and no, it did not and does not matter (the ring, ring size or the engagement timeline), but I recognize that it was very important at the time.
Anonymous
I think you and I are talking about two different things. Ha ha. I was talking about the woman who wanted her boyfriend to propose within 9 months. I don’t think I read the Batgirl post. Anyway, yes, people can be judgmental as heck around these parts.
Em
It’s normal to sometimes feel that unimportant things are important. But sometimes getting perspective from people who are past that phase that it actually is unimportant is useful. Realistically, if you want meaningless validation of everything you say, an anonymized Internet forum is probably not the place to post your query; instead, take it to your friends who are in the same life stage and have the same perspective as you.
Susedna
+1 on the “meaningless validation”. I am so sick of the “everbody must get a trophy” nonsense. It’s infantilizing.
nonaanoun
Yep. This is one of the reasons why I don’t post my problems anywhere. I have a support system that does not include the entire Internet.
You and Em said it SO well. I just got some positive reinforcement reading this.
(And yes PB, the hive can be a very unfriendly place sometimes.)
Avodah
My comment got stuck in moderation but I said…
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
Welcome to the comments section. Sometimes people provide great feedback and offer helpful thoughts and comments. Other time is goes into a nasty spiral of judgement, beating a dead horse and frankly, vitriol. If we are all such professional overachievers then surely we can learn to disagree and provide constructive criticism *nicely*. –patiently awaits judgement for writing this comment–
Anon
I don’t think there was any vitriol in anyone’s comments yesterday. I think it was an issue where there necessarily is a lot of judgment but I think it was all expressed in a constructive manner.
Anonymous
Not to start it all up again but its not really being judgemental. A wedding is literally when two people get married. If you are already married, then by definition, it is not a wedding. And someone mentioned that they had a friend who kept it a secret-there is a reason for that, because they knew it was wrong and that people would be upset about it. Its not judgmental to feel that if you, as a guest, are invited to a wedding, you should be witnessing a wedding. It made me embarrassed to see how many people on this board have a problem with living honestly. Think about it this way- if you graduated from high school but for some reason didn’t get to walk at your graduation, you wouldn’t invite family and friends to watch you walk again right? You would just throw the party but not recreate the walking part. Because the part that matters is the diploma. And your friends and family want to celebrate that achievement with you. Same with weddings- if you get married have a party. But don’t invite people to watch you recreate becoming spouses when you already did that. If its important for you to have people witness that moment, then invite them to that moment. If you want that moment to be private, then have it be private and have a big party later to celebrate. But you LITERALLY only get one wedding, so its weird, and slightly offensive, that people think they should have a redo.
Avodah
It is 2013. People literally get 2, 3 or 4 weddings!
Anonymous
to the same person? Obviously I was talking about to the same person. And you only get one unless you get divorced and remarried.
another anon
I had two weddings. to the same person. within days of each other for reasons i wont get into here. But, contrary to your post, there are many countries where it is very common to have more than one wedding — an i mean the wedding, not the celebration. and even in this country it is common. a wedding is both a legal ceremony and a religious ceremony. many people do not put the two of those together and thus have two weddings.
anon
A pretty flippant attitude when some people can’t even get 1 wedding.
Anon
People renew their vows all the time, though. It’s not something that you can only ever do once.
Anonymous
I have no problem with people calling it or having a vow renewal. I have a problem with saying its a wedding- ie that their guests are watching the moment they become husband and wife.
Anonymous
Get over it. I got “married” at the court house and then married by my family member at our wedding. It doesn’t matter. Let people do what they want without judging ever.single.thing. Sheesh!
meme
Who freaking cares??? Live and let live people.
Anonymous
I care! That’s why I shared my opinion. Its the opinion of many other people. It is totally fine that you and many others don’t feel the same way- different opinions make the world go round!
meme
I’m not saying I agree or disagree with any particular viewpoint on this topic, I’m saying sometimes people care way too much about other people’s personal choices that don’t really affect them (don’t go to the “wedding” or don’t send a gift if you don’t like it then move on), and the only result is knotted knickers and hurt feelings.
King Kong
actually gravitational forces make world go ’round
Anonymous
Also I really don’t think anyone was nasty- no one’s wedding choices impact me, obviously. But I actually think its really good for people to know that some people find the recreation weird and slightly offensive. So you’ve got one option- get married at the ceremony you invite guests to- that doesn’t offend anyone. The other- get married privately but then invite everyone to a later ceremony where you do it again- does offend some people, even if some or even most people are totally fine with it. I think all choices to get married are beautiful- huge 3 day event, small 5 minute ceremony with just you your new spouse and the JOP- all wonderful options. I just think that if you make the choice to get married because its best for your circumstances and family, then you should stand by that choice. I think that making that choice, and then wanting to redo it for your guests, is putting the party before the marriage. Again, just my opinion. Other people feel differently, which is great. But many people feel like I do so I just thought it was important to share. At no time did I ever not wish the best for Batgirl and her future family.
roses
I’m in full support of this. I understand everyone is entitled to their opinions – it’s reasonable to think it’s OK to have a small secret wedding and then a big re-enactment, even if I don’t think it’s being honest. But it’s not being snarky or judgey to say that some people will frown upon it.
Carrie Preston
Okay, help me out, how on earth is it offensive to people? I just don’t understand that argument.
January
I believe one of the major advice columnists (can’t remember which one – maybe Miss Manners?) considers it a gift grab, so that may be where the offense comes in.
I think weddings and the whole Proposal spectacle have become such a Thing that it’s understandable how one might feel a little cheated if that’s something one always wanted but can’t feasibly do because of circumstances. Whether or not re-creating a wedding later is the right thing to do is probably up to the individual couple and their family and friends.
posey
How is it any more of a gift-grab than just having one big huge fancy wedding?
Anonymous
Because you didn’t invite them to the actual wedding.
January
Posey, that’s a good point. It may be because the marriage has already occurred, but I actually don’t take wedding gifts to the wedding itself, so who cares when the marriage actually occurs? I was in a wedding where the couple had already been civilly married and didn’t feel like it was any less of a wedding because of that. This isn’t really an issue that motivates me to get out of my live and let live chair, but I see that others here disagree.
Bewitched
Anonymous, we understand that the above is your firmly held opinion. I (and possibly others) don’t entirely agree. I don’t really care if two people choose to get married civilly and then later have a religious wedding and party. It’s their business. My brother did that because his wife was Canadian and they wanted to get married in Canada, but did not want to face immigration issues. Yes, they were already civilly married, but I think they view their church wedding as their wedding date/anniversary date, or maybe they celebrate both dates. I, for one, don’t think it’s my business and I’m not offended by it in the least. I also did not feel weird or odd attending their church wedding. It was a lovely family event and it’s a great memory.
posey
I went to a similar wedding and it didn’t even occur to me to be offended.
Nonny
Yes, in my former life (broken engagement, long, sad story) I was supposed to get married in another country. But my fiance and I were both Christian and in that country, weddings could not legally occur in a Christian church, so we planned to get married legally at the town hall and then have what we considered to be our “proper” wedding a few days later in the church (before God and all our family and friends). We considered the “legal” wedding to be a necessary formality but nothing more than that, and we would have considered our church wedding to be our anniversary date. So I get it.
Fast forward to today. FWIW, as someone who is now both engaged and pregnant and therefore not really doing the “traditional” thing, I understand Batgirl’s point of view and encourage her to do what she thinks is best. My SO and I made the decision not to get married until after the baby has arrived, but I surprised myself by making that decision because I always thought it would be important to me to be married first. Turns out it’s not so important to me when push comes to shove, but everyone’s different.
Avodah
To be clear, there are many religions and religious traditions that would not see a civil marriage as a “real” marriage. For some Jews a civil marriage is nothing but a formality. The “real” marriage happens with witnesses and a ketubah.
Lyra Silvertongue
I was thinking about traditions like this- don’t some countries in Europe, such as France, have different civil and religious ceremonies, often on different days and in different locations? Such traditions have made headlines in recent royal weddings- Prince Albert and Princess Charlene of Monaco, for example, had very different civil and religious ceremonies (which were highly publicized). I’m sure both ceremonies hold a lot of significance for such couples. In any case, whatever works for the couple is fine with me, as I’m not forced to celebrate with them.
TBK
I don’t get how it’s offensive.
Bee
Why is it offensive? If you think it’s weird, then OK, whatever, I guess I can understand that and we can agree to disagree. But I don’t understand the jump from weird to offensive.
cc
Well I find it offensive because you are saying your wedding wasn’t good enough- the JOP wasn’t good enough so now you need a “real” wedding. As someone whose brother cannot take advantage of all the benefits married people get, I found the comments about oh they got married for health insurance really offensive.
Batgirl
What’s offensive is that it’s not legal for all people to get married in some states (same sex marriage IS legal in NYC, though, which is where I live). And for domestic unions to not get the same protections as other unions.
I think it’s a pretty big jump to go from that to being offended that some people view civil ceremonies differently from others–if I decided to have my family and friends go to that, I would view it as real as any other wedding. For me it’s about whether my community is there.
Flying Squirrel
See, this confuses. Equating civil ceremonies with social/religious ones, to me, is offensive to same sex couples who have been barred from the former but have longstanding relationships that were solidified through the latter. I know a few such couples, and the fact that some bigoted laws won’t recognize their commitment doesn’t make their marriages any less valid in my eyes. I’m not saying it’s not important to change the laws and allow them the same civil rights as opposite sex couples or that the current laws aren’t offensive…but marriage is way more than a piece of paper handed to you by the state. And if you argue that it isn’t, you’re essentially arguing that many, many longstanding marriages aren’t “real”.
Legally Brunette
This doesn’t take into account that many people I know have two weddings due to differing religious/cultural backgrounds (ie: bride is Hindu, groom is Catholic so they have both a Catholic and Hindu wedding). And often times these weddings are on different dates (or different locations) due to complex logistics. I wouldn’t knock someone for having that second wedding because I know that it was important to both parties that they each have a wedding that reflected their cultural/religious upbringing.
Avodah
Yup yup yup.
roses
That’s not what we’re talking about here. Those are 2 separate ceremonies to signify different things – civil marriage and religious marriage – and the guests are likely all aware of what’s going on. That’s a lot different than doing the “I do’s” once at a courthouse to be legally married and doing the same thing again, just in front of people this time, for…what reason? To be entitled to a big party?
If you want a big party in front of a lot of people after you’re married, call it a wedding celebration or a vow renewal. But not a marriage ceremony – you’re already married.
Avodah
If I married my partner in civil union, and the state of ___ consider us married I would not consider us married until witnesses saw us sign a ketubah. Period. Full stop.
roses
Yes, that comment supports my comment above.
Sydney Bristow
Rory Gilmore’s town wanted to recreate her entire Yale graduation ceremony since they couldn’t attend. :-)
another anon
i love you.
Olivia Pope
i love you.
AnnonFoo
I missed the thread yesterday, wow did not realize this is such a controversy. In fact just this weekend, I attended a close co-worker’s city hall wedding. They had to do the legal paper work at the earliest possible due to some immigration complication. It was a quick 5 minute ceremony in front of the judge, then we walked around the city and took pictures, went to a nice rooftop restaurant and had amazing cocktails at 10 am to celebrate, then had brunch and dessert. It was fun, stress free and we all had a good time. They are having a bigger wedding ceremony in their home country with the religious rituals early next year, I did not for once think this was inappropriate. Two people want to spend their lives together and are doing everything to make it happen which is commendable in times of commitment phobic men I have seen. Let them do what they want, why judge?
Houston Attny
I think this sounds really fun. Simple, pictures around your city and cocktails at 10 a.m. What fun! (I actually might steal this idea.)
SC
Last fall I went toa wedding for my cousin, who had already married someone in another country. They did a wedding ceremony and celebration in the other country with her extended family (and his immediate family who traveled), then came to the US and did a large wedding ceremony and celebration with his extended family (and her immediate family who traveled). I thought it was a great way to handle the situation, since neither extended family was able/ willing to travel the long distance. And I’m glad that I was able to see them exchange vows, even if it was the second time, and to celebrate with them and the rest of the family! All couples, families, and situations are different. You might be offended to be invited to a reenactment under the particular circumstances of that wedding, and you don’t have to attend, but I think many people are bristling at what seems like an attempt to write a blanket rule that applies to everyone.
Avodah
My comment keeps getting eaten in moderation, no idea why…
Welcome to the comments section! Sometimes people provide great feedback and offer helpful thoughts and comments. Other time is goes into a nasty spiral of judgement, =and frankly, vitriol.
If we are all such educated, professional overachievers then surely we can disagree and provide constructive criticism *nicely*. –patiently awaits judgement for writing this comment–
Caty
@ “Paging,” I don’t think it was necessary or productive to re-open this thread today, appropos of nothing. Even if the goal was to show “support” for someone you think was unfairly judged. How is it supportive to re-open the discussion and invite more criticism? You had to know your comment would be provocative.
L
Usually a page is directed to that person. The fact that people want to beat a dead horse again actually didn’t occur to me, but apparently people want to. So my apologies (no snark) for reopening said topic and letting people continue to fall over themselves to discuss the manner in which someone else should/shouldn’t get married.
Anon
My opinion on courthouse wedding plus subsequent big wedding/party are pretty much the same as anything else wedding related (Friday weddings, Sunday evening weddings, destination weddings, etc etc). It’s just not a big deal – it is not my day/celebration, so I don’t get to choose what is appropriate/acceptable. And if it really, really bothers me, to the point that I no longer want to celebrate this event with the couple who invited me, then my option is to STFU and not go. Period.
I mean, really. Who has time to get this worked up over SOMEONE ELSE’S CHOICE? Emphasis on choice.
And finally, I am fortunate to live in a place where marrying my chosen partner is lawful, but it just bothers me that the whole how/when/what of weddings is so debated when it seems like the real problem is still that not everyone can (if they choose to) participate in this institution.
s-non
+1 to your last point and I think that may be why some people get offended. There are so many people that still cannot legally marry the person that they love and all they are fighting for is that legal right, so I could see where people get offended or judge when other people are having several weddings.
Equity's Darling
Yeah, this is basically how I feel, minus the part re: participation in the institution because I’m in Canada, so, pretty much everyone can particpate.
emeralds
My goodness but yes to all of this. I (am now not sorry that I) missed the convo yesterday, but good grief. I have enough going on in my own life without worrying about the way someone else chooses to structure their wedding ceremony and/or celebration. If I’m going to be worried about marriages, it’s going to be because not everyone has the opportunity to be married at all.
posey
Seriously. I don’t understand why people feel entitled to comment on things that literally have zero effect on them (and on which the poster wasn’t even asking for comments).
L
This was my point in saying something supportive. It was really surprising and I found it rude. I honestly didn’t think that people would start up again, but apparently I was wrong.
Anonymous
I actually think people have been much ruder to me then I was to batgirl. People comment on things that have zero effect on them all the time. Its an internet forum. That’s literally what its there for. Again, like I said, obviously it has no effect on me. I was just putting it out there that some people don’t go to them and feel upset when its been a “secret” like was talked about yesterady. Again, I wish her the best no matter what she chooses. Just putting it out there that people find it silly, and that by definition, a wedding is when you get married.
http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2011-07-23/lifestyle/35237685_1_civil-ceremony-anniversaries-bridesmaids
L
That wasn’t the point of her comment. It was about apartments. Thanks for making my point.
Batgirl
Thanks @Paging Batgirl. I actually was more put off by it yesterday than I am today. Today I just find it amusing how certain people are so enraged by the idea of someone getting legally married and having a separate family ceremony that they have to continually post the same thought over and over again. (Personal pet peeve–If you’re going to have such strongly held opinions, at least have the guts to use a real screen name.)
In all honesty, I’ve got a lot of huge life decisions to make right now, and while I appreciate input on the question that I was asking (about apartment choices when planning for a baby–something I don’t have a lot of direct experience with), when I stop to think about it, I couldn’t care less what people think about the concept of a civil ceremony followed by a family ceremony (or whatever you want to call it since I’m not religious). I’m not even sure what I’d like to do–let alone what I plan to do. I just thought it was a bit insensitive when I’m posting about how these decisions are being made because of fertility issues, not out of a desire to have multiple “pretty princess” days. Though if I want to have a “pretty princess” day, why should I be any less entitled to than anyone else? For now, I’m focusing on what I have to do to have a family. How I choose to celebrate my marriage will have to come second, but that doesn’t mean I should have to forego it altogether.
What I do find funny is how people have latched onto this topic (based on a parenthetical to my actual question) like pit bulls and won’t let it drop. Get back to work, people! I’m pretty sure you won’t be invited to my hypothetical wedding anyway! :)
L
I’m glad and sorry for opening the can of worms. For what it’s worth, I talked to friends with kids last night about space and babies (not there yet, but pondering buying a house soonish) and they said first few months they basically just sit in their bouncer anyways. It’s when they hit the year+ they need extra space to roam. I’d sit tight in the smaller place and save money because you never know how long any one thing will take. And extra cash never hurt anyone.
Anon in NYC
Agreed. Just watching my friend’s kids… they really don’t start moving for a while (like, rolling over maybe around 3-4 months, actively crawling maybe around 6-9, and walking right around the year mark).
hellskitchen
Babies don’t take up much space but their gear sure does. Take it from a new mom who didn’t have the good sense to move out of her cramped nyc apartment when she should have. I don’t have a dedicated nursery space so we have rockers stored atop bookcases and the changing pad on my work desk. And contemplating a move with baby in tow gives me nightmares. To each their own but I do wish I had moved to a bigger place before baby
NYC
This is hilarious. I missed the original thread. I voted in favor of moving before the baby arrived (but after I was pregnant), because I am a crazy nester type of person (even without pregnancy) and wanted to have our living situation set up before having an infant to care for. Moving sucks even without having a tiny human involved. And I know lots and lots of people have newborns sleep in their room for the first months/year but after 10 days I was ready to move the baby to his own room, and was happy to have a room for him to move into!
mascot
We moved the baby into his own room the second week home. Sleeping in the same room didn’t work at all for us.
Anonymous
I don’t post usually so I didn’t put a name. I don’t really see the difference between being Anon and just making up a name. But you have been much ruder than I have. I said more than once that I wished the best for you and your family. I just pointed out that a plan you had is against ettiquette and that some people don’t find it right. You of course can have whatever party and day you want, but you technically only get married once. So if you want the community to be there for the actual wedding, they should. If its important to you to just have them support the marriage in general (not the moment you become married) then other plans work just as well. But I approached this conversation civilly, but it seems like its majority rules on this site and if you dont agree you get called names and taunted, which is suprising to me. I thought it would be better to hear a differing opinion- I think its always good to hear different opinions. You don’t have to agree with me, just like I don’t have to agree with you, but I don’t understand why people are calling me out for having a different opinion. There is nothing I have to “get over” I just have a different opinion than you.
TBK
People often can’t take off work to attend a City Hall wedding, and City Hall isn’t open on weekends/evenings.
Anon
Then don’t have a city hall wedding.
ezt
This is so ridiculous. She was just giving background for her question. She was not asking for input on her marriage plans! If you are really so big on etiquette, surely you can recognize that repeatedly and aggressively giving completely unsolicited advice is rude.
Batgirl
Thank you! :)
Anonymous
I haven’t been aggresive about anything. I have an opinion and then I’ve been attacked for being a judgy monster. I get that people here disagree with me but I am not a bad or mean or aggresive poster. Obviously its the MO here to silence dissenting opinions but I just gave mine and then defended myself. I’ll stop doing that because I feel like its becoming personal against me but really people should be able to express their opinion on an internet forum.
LH
People give unsolicited advice/comments on this site ALL. THE. TIME. See discussion of the legitimacy of the term “babymoon” which came from a post asking for vacation planning advice that merely used that word – the poster did not say “Use of the term ‘babymoon’: let’s discuss.” While I don’t disagree with your point that unsolicited advice is generally not very polite, the fact remains that people only get attacked for it when they are not recognized as “regulars” here and that bothers me.
Batgirl
I don’t think that’s really true. I think people get called out when they are aggressive or rude about their opinions. And to the extent that that’s generally new commenters (and I”m not sure it is), I can say that commenters on this site used to be a bit more supportive. I thought the whole “babymoon” debate was kind of a tangent, but no one was attacking that person’s choice to take the trip, just the terminology. This debate was more about attacking my (purported since i didn’t actually make a decision yet) decision to have civil ceremony pre-baby and a family ceremony post-baby. Not the terminology.
ezt
Yeah, I am not a regular poster and I don’t think I feel any particular solidarity with regular posters. I actually thought the babymoon thing was a bit obnoxious too (though I agree with Batgirl that the comments about it were less critical of the OP in that case), but saw the thread well after the fact, and didn’t comment. When someone mentions something that is clearly a cherished plan, which they are not asking for input on, to cr@p all over that seems mean-spirited. To opine (over and over again!) that someone’s wedding plans are in bad taste, are poor etiquette, and are “offensive” is absolutely aggressive, and hiding behind “it’s just my opinion” doesn’t make it less so.
Rosalita
“I haven’t been aggresive about anything.”
If you post your opinion once and people don’t agree, then it’s ok not to post it again.
Posting it again like 4-5 times to make sure *people know it’s your opinion* comes off as aggressive, IMO. Even if you don’t mean it that way.
Anonymous
I wasn’t reposting my opinion- I was defending myself from the snarky comments calling me rude. People are really aggresive with all the snarkiness.
NbyNW
Batgirl, I’m glad you weren’t rattled by this.
My take (not that anyone cares) is that a legal, quick city hall marriage followed by a ceremony – big or small – in front of friends and family – white dress or not – is perfectly fine, as long as the guests to the second event are told that the legal part has already taken place.
Why? Many countries separate the legal from the public part. Because commitment ceremonies in front of family and/or friends is the real part for me, especially since same sex couples cannot universally participate in the legal part. Because logsitics, locations, sick relatives and differing religions may make two ceremonies necessary.
Another way of looking at it is that a couple could have a city hall wedding and never tell anyone and most people in the community wouldn’t know that they were legally married. (At least in the US…I know that in Britain and other places they may still “read the banns”.) But a couple who stands up in front of a group – their commitment to each other is completely known to their community. I’ve been to several weddings where the attendees were asked to support the couple and help them maintain their love – you can’t get that at a city hall or JOP wedding.
Anon in NYC
On a lighter note, can I just thank commenter AN for the reference to Amid Privilege’s blog? I just looked at her wedding dress and it’s GORGEOUS and it makes me want to get married all over again. Maybe I will have a second pretty princess day.
LH
As one of the people who said yesterday that I find two weddings inappropriate, I find it interesting that people almost unanimously judged women who use the term “baby moon” (something that really has no effect on anyone outside of the couple) but are jumping all over certain commentators for saying having two weddings is inappropriate (when 2 weddings actually does effect the guests at the wedding, particularly if the couple is not open about their circumstances). Also lets be real, we judge here all the time, especially about weddings: non-Saturday weddings, weddings with cash bars, weddings without plus ones…I’ve seen all of those things criticized here repeatedly in response to comments/questions – I don’t understand how this is meaner.
Stormborn
Seriously- as someone who doesn’t care either way I’m really surprised by all the who are you to judge comments. People judge on this site all the time. I’ve been to a ceremony where they were already marrie and I had a great time however I did think it was universally frowned upon. I know some of the older generation got the vapors. But I think we can declare this horse dead- some people think it’s ok, some people don’t.
Batgirl
To be clear, I never asked what people thought about the idea of a civil ceremony with one witness and a full wedding later–I asked about apartments and babies and made that comment in passing. I think there’s a difference between two wedding celebrations and what I’m talking about–but I still don’t care what people do.
Also, I find it funny that people have stronger opinions about people doing it this way than they do about having a baby outside of marriage (which I’m happy about b/c I think that’s dumb, but still amusing).
Calibrachoa
All of this discussion reminds me again that I am strongly in favor of abolishing marriage as a legal institution….
Rosalita
Great, but that won’t stop the judgey wars. People will still want to make lifelong commitments to each other, and they might (*gasp*) want two ceremonies. :)
I put some new shoes on....
I’m wearing my brand new black flats and I’m hell-bent on keeping my stinky, putrid, nasty feet from ruining them. I feel like I’ve tried everything to maintain shoes, but keep coming up short. So, please, what works for you in terms of keeping the insides of your shoes from becoming a dirty, smelly swampland? Oh, and cute dress.
Anon
Obviously this won’t work if you are on Team Anti-Hose, but I wear stockings with skirts/dresses and knee highs with trousers, and my shoes never smell. My weekend-wear shoes, however (casual leather ballet flats) will start to smell, and those I do NOT wear with any type of stockings/socks, so it is clearly the hose that make the difference.
JCrew -- sizing Q
I’ve had good luck with littlel footies-for-flats. Mine have a silicon grippy thing on the heel. I’ve gotten 3-packs from Amazon. I used them mainly for blister prevention, but have noticed that my work shoes and flats are remarkably non-stinky here in the humid south.
AttiredAttorney
+1 to the little footies for flats. My favorite actually come from Walmart – they’re in the hosiery section and are the “George” brand. They’re $5 for a two pack, and are low profile enough that I can wear them with even my most toe-cleavage bearing pumps. In addition to the silicone gripper in the back, they also have a little pad on the ball of the foot that helps cushion in more uncomfortable shoes.
Mountain Girl
I found these to be my favorite as well. They actually hold up better than others that are way more expensive.
Legally Brunette
My shoes always smell if the interior of the shoe is non-leather. I have been amazed at how much less smelly my leather shoes are. I would also try the Summer Soles inserts, and replace them every few months.
preg anon
Ditto to non-leather.
Sara
Plastic/rubber will make your feet sweat –hence the smell. Leather “breathes,” hence no smell. You can always get leather soles replaced when they wear out. Cheaper than buying new shoes, and they’re better for you.
mascot
I like Dr. Scholl’s foot spray. Swabbing outside the inside of your shoes with sometrea tree oil helps too.
AIMS
Make sure to let them air out after you wear them and give them at least a day off in between wearings. For shoes I really care about, I give them a quick wipe down every few wears to make sure nothing accumulates. Agree on leather vs non leather. Also stockings and little foot socks do help. I haven’t tried summer soles but people here rave about it.
Bonnie
Second on not wearing the shoes everyday and giving them time to air out.
eek
Silver Linings, hands down. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0064B0BFI/ref=oh_details_o01_s00_i02?ie=UTF8&psc=1
A more sustainable option: Pedag Angora, Thin Flat Insole (limiting links to avoid moderation, also available via Amazon). I was also sold by the production description “Angora rabbits love and need to be brushed and groomed regularly. They are not harmed.”
Dr. Scholls is ok,but I find it dries out my feet.
8
Seconded. I just ordered another box of silver linings last night (they were out of stock on Amazon forever). After about 2 days they even took the stink out of some old shoes I had deemed hopeless.
Hel-lo
+1. Also odor-absorbing foot powder.
Mountain Girl
I also use anti-perspirant spray on the bottom of my feet every morning. Just regular old under arm anti-perspirant but I like the spray best for my feet because I don’t slip around in my shoes.
I put some new shoes on....
Thanks everyone! I think I’m going to try the little footie things. I agree that when I wear tights or pantyhose, I avoid smelly shoes, so I think the footies are a good option when I’m wearing pants or just don’t want to wear full-on tights/hose.
oil in houston
New Orleans TJ!
my brother is coming to visit and wants to go to N-O (mid October); I won’t be able to take the time off, so we’ll arrive late on the Friday night, and we’ll need to leave around 5pm on the Sunday.
He wants to go to the voodoo museum and visit the cemetery, and I would like to show him a couple of plantation houses. Can anyone recommend any that would be particularly beautiful / interesting (e.g. with slave quarters)? I’ve already been to Oak Alley so would like to see new ones…
Anything else you would recommend we do?
Also, any good recommendation for brunch / bars?
thanks!!!
Small Town Atty
Laura Plantation is interesting because it’s Creole rather than Anglo.
NOLA
I think Destrehan Plantation has slave quarters and, when I was there years ago, some work had been done there by architecture students to show more of the bones of the buildings. Oak Alley is the only other one I’ve been to. But the plantations are pretty far outside the city. Have you thought about a Garden District walking tour?
As for brunch – Mr. B’s, Commander’s, Dante’s Kitchen or check out Tom Fitmorris’s list at : http://www.nomenu.com/joomla1/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=243&Itemid=228
Walking along Magazine St. can be fun – say between Washington Ave. uptown to almost Napoleon. Lots of funky shops, antique places, restaurants. I love the Magazine Antique Mall and it’s flanked by Sucre and La Divina Gelateria. Can’t go wrong!
oil in houston
thank you!
NOLA
I also forgot to mention Stanley for brunch. It’s tiny but excellent. The food critic for the T-P wrote about their eggs benedict with fried oysters in his article yesterday about returning to the city after a fellowship in Boston: http://www.nola.com/dining/index.ssf/2013/09/12_new_orleans_restaurants_whe.html
Nonny
Oh my goodness, eggs benedict with fried oysters. I think I may have just discovered my hypothetical Last Meal. NOLA, I’ve wanted to go to New Orleans for years, but now I *have* to go, just for that.
NOLA
Gah! And one more – a girlfriend and I were looking for a place to have a drink a couple weeks ago and it was a little early for happy hour (like 3:30?). We were having a hard time finding a fun cocktail place that was open then and we wandered into Coquette, which is an incredible restaurant. Turns out their cocktails were yummy and the happy hour is quite fun and affordable (the gougeres were soooo good). Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. Cure is a cocktail place on Freret, getting good buzz. Swizzle Stick is in one of the hotels downtown (the Ritz?).
Judy Jetson
Swizzle Stick is in the Loews Hotel. Love that place!
Amelia Pond
Beware the hipsters at Cure–the bartenders look like they walked out of an episode of Portlandia but the cocktails are good.
docent
As a former Destrehan Plantation tour guide, I second the recommendation for Laura. Destrehan is, however, by far the closest plantation to the city. There are no real slave quarters–just a couple of old cabins that are often mistaken for slave quarters. If it’s something that interests you though, the tour guides are very knowledgeable of the slave history, particularly a couple of large/historically significant rebellions that took place in the area. And as NOLA noted, if you’re interested in architecture, one of the rooms has been stripped down to show the bones of the structure.
Otherwise, I second everything that NOLA recommended.
anon
Rugs. Anyone know how to go about buying rugs that are good quality, but not exorbitant?
I’m looking for nice wool rugs, but when I see them on One Kings Lane or in stores, they’re thousands of dollars. But then I’m hesitant to buy one from Overstock without seeing it for quality reasons. Anyone have any advice?
Diana Barry
We bought a lot of rugs on ebay (really!). They are machine made and so not as expensive as hand-knotted wool rugs, but we got a big one (12×15 or 15×18) for our dining room for around $450. I would look for sellers who have good feedback ratings.
see below for example
http://tinyurl.com/lnxuu4c
AIMS
Homegoods has nice wool rugs that are not very expensive. With overstock, you really have to read the reviews — my mom got some nice wool runners, but she has a rule about only buying stuff with multiple 5 star reviews.
TBK
+1000 on Home Goods! It’s hit or miss on selection, but they do get some 100% wool hand-knotted rugs for about 70% of what you’d pay if you were paying full price.
Maddie Ross
I’ve had luck with Overstock, but I agree you have to be vigilant about the reviews and brands.
MJ
I also suggest CostPlus if you are the West Coast…I have a gorgeous hand-knotted rug from there that is about 8 x 10 and was about $300. They have a F&F in the springtime with 25% off, but I don’t know if they’ll keep that up now that Bed, Bath & Beyond bought them.
belils
I’ve been really happy with our overstock rug. They key is to read the reviews very carefully.
NYC
Yes, ditto. I really wanted a huge overstock rug that had no reviews. I ended up ordering the tiniest size (that would be cheap to pay return shipping for) to check out the quality. Then ordered the huge version (and left a review!). We got a gorgeous all wool rug for super duper cheap, so it was worth the hassle of returning the mini rug.
AttiredAttorney
overstock.com
Ciao, pues
overstock.com
To the 'r e t t e who was suffering spousal abuse and wanted out
Hope you are doing ok and are trying to get your ducks in a row before you leave your marriage. Focus on your newborn and do what you need to so that you keep him and yourself safe. I can’t help you but hope it all works out for you.
AN
Silvercurls
This site has hosted several threads on this topic. I’m going to type what I recall from memory, but please go beyond my advice! I’m just an intelligent reader; I DO NOT have expertise in this area. Stay safe and take good care of yourself and your child. Both of you are totally, totally, totally worth defending!
Other people–please add anything I’ve overlooked.
Commenters on this s i t e stressed practical matters such as:
– Identify a safe place to go, probably a domestic violence shelter (they are very careful NOT to give out their street addresses), a safe way to get there, and a safe time to leave.
– if you’re using a computer to do this research, make sure it’s totally password-protected or in a location that your spouse/partner CANNOT access. The public library may be helpful in identifying community resources. Most libraries have computers and do not keep tabs on what their users are doing online as long as it’s not pornography (no offense). You might want to go to a library not used by your spouse/partner or any of his/her friends or family.
– Have some discreetly stored luggage ready to go (if not at your home, somewhere else super-safe, with a super-reliable friend or relative) with your drop-dead essentials inside (medications? diapers? blankets? documents? clothing? The list varies for each person).
– If possible, establish financial resources in your own name, without your spouse’s name on the account(s); ditto for copies of documents such as a resume, address books, and a private email account. I suppose you could download everything to a jump drive but again I am NOT an expert. You want to make sure that your important documents cannot be taken from you forcibly, accessed by an unfriendly user, or made inaccesible to you (if someone smashes the jump drive).
– Explore your options in terms of legal counsel (free or paid) and orders of protection (this will vary greatly from one state, municipality, county, or other jurisdiction to another). You may need to make sure you are safe both at home and at work. AGAIN, I’m just reporting what I’ve heard as an informed citizen. I am NEITHER an expert nor a lawyer.
– Line up other supportive service providers (counselors, social workers, medical providers), and–if finances are an issue–find out who provides free or sliding-scale services.
This is an awful lot to do at a time when you’re already feeling stressed and isolated. Stay strong. You are worth it. Someday you will be able to pay it forward to someone else facing own hard times.
Killer Kitten Heels
ALL of this, for sure. Just wanted to add that you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for assistance in safety planning. Their website also has detailed information on safety planning, internet safety, and how to keep yourself safe before, during, and after leaving an abusive partner.
The website is w w w. t h e h o t l i n e . o r g (no spaces between any of the letters, I just wrote it out that way to try to slip it past moderation!). The number for the hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
nonaanoun
And this is the hive when it absolutely rocks.
Anonymous
Can anyone comment on the fit/sizing of Reiss dresses?
lizm
I’ve found that I have to size up, especially when compared to BR. I’m a 0 in BR dresses and a 4 in Reiss (with quite a bit of tailoring needed at the waist) as I have a small waist and comparatively wider hips. The Reiss 2 does fit me, but pulls across the hip area which is one of my pet peeves.
Blair Waldorf
I am normally a 6 in Theory and found the 6 to be too large from Reiss, and the 4 fit well. So somewhere in the middle between vanity sizing Ann Taylor (where I am a 2) and Theory sizing.
Bonnie
Pay attention to whether you are ordering the US or UK size. I love this dress but had a good laugh at these: http://www.reiss.com/us/womens/reiss-sale/trousers/sparkle/ink/
Anon
Their size chart is TTS.
JCrew -- sizing Q
How do J Crew sweaters (Jackie) and jackets (schoolboy) compare to Boden sizing (I am a 4) or Talbots (size S for sweaters) or LandsEnd (XS for sweaters). I haven’t bought a blazer in years and don’t want to order more than 2 sizes to try on.
Also, how can I get that cute slightly-messed up hair the models all seem to have?
Diana Barry
I find J Crew slightly bigger in the bust than Boden (but only slightly), with slightly smaller waist and with slightly longer sleeves. Boden blazers don’t fit me well – the sleeves are always too short and the waist a little too big – but J crew fits me v well (I am about 32-34DD bust). I take an 8 in both, so you would probably take a 4 in both, or S.
JCrew -- sizing Q
Thanks! I feel like I need to have a navy blazer (have a ton of black jackets / cardigans) even though I wear black all.the.time, partly to kick the cardigan habit. I am hoping that it would work with tan / camel accessories. Gray flannel one maybe to try on for color? I feel like I need to broaden my wardrobe, but am having shopper’s block.
Baconpancakes
Navy looks great with tan and camel – it always looks very professional and clever to me.
AIMS
I like navy with maroon and purple.
Francie Nolan
I love this dress!
I am going to an engagement party for a friend soon and can’t for the love of me figure out what to wear. It is in the afternoon, so I don’t want to be all out evening cocktail dress, I am not sure something like the Riess dress is dressy enough, although I would buy it in a heartbeat but I am in between a 14, 16 or 18 depending on the cut.
What would you lovely ladies wear? I have also considered the following dress, but it seems to much:
http://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/David-Meister-Illusion-Neck-Peplum-Cocktail-Dress/prod154120191/?eVar4=You%20May%20Also%20Like
Gus
Very pretty dress, but I think way too dressy for an afternoon event. I wouldn’t even wear that to an afternoon wedding, much less just an engagement party. I think the Reiss dress would be great for the event.
Diana Barry
+1, linked dress is for an evening wedding.
Nellie
Gorgeous dress, but I agree with your instinct that it’s too much. Have you tried sorting the choices at Neiman’s / Nordstrom by “day dress”? Some of them will be way too casual, like sundresses, but others are often pretty dressy and bordering on cocktail. (Just like the “work” dresses— sometimes I just laugh and wonder where these people could actually work??)
S in Chicago
Forgive me since I miss some posts, but does anyone know how the reader is doing that had the ex boyfriend living in her home? I know you were hoping he would leave at month’s end and not destroy anything in your house. Did that turn out OK? Is he finally out now?
Francie Nolan
Thanks Ladies! I think my fake life is taking over my ablilty to decide! I so want some place to wear something gorgous and sparkly and different then my normal life that it is clouding my better judgment.
I am stepping away from the sparkles and toning it back I swear! I don’t want to be THAT Guest!
Francie Nolan
Sorry that was in the wrong place grr!
Houston Attny
Ooh – very good question! So often, I read people’s comments and am worried/thinking/concerned about that person and her life in her city. And then I don’t know what happens. I’m with S in Chicago – I would like to know!
ex-boyfriend in my house
Hey! That was me! Thanks for your concern, you guys. He moved out on time and without incident. I have received a couple of whiny texts since then, but no further contact. He did not trash the house, though he did not take out the garbage, sweep, or vacuum, and he spilled about a liter of coffee on my (admittedly already stained) carpet and didn’t clean it. He took a few small items of mine like a trash can, a cutting board, measuring cups, etc. But the classiest thing he did was he took all the gifts he had given me (that he could find). They weren’t big ticket items, but he took a wooden spoon he brought me from Chile, a walkie-talkie set, a little birch bark box. Notably, he did not leave me the gifts I have given him!!! He did leave his nice winter boots so he’ll be sorry when winter starts next week. Ha ha ha!
Susedna
Hi! I’m so glad it all turned out OK (big picture.). *hugs* May your next SO be more worthy of you! Be well!
michelle
glad it was smooth and you are well rid of him, it would seem. Hugs!
nonaanoun
I am also very glad to here this worked out for you. You changed the locks, I hope.
anon
Hi all, I’m about to start at a large firm in a city where some of my very dear (non-“white-collar”) friends live. I’m looking for wisdom/perspective/comments on avoiding any future friend problems, since my income-level is obviously about to change. Nothing negative has happened yet, but one of my friends was helping me apartment hunt and I realized that we were talking past each other regarding some financial details/realities. I quickly shut up, but what if it comes up again? We’ve all often talked about financial/budgeting/life issues together, so it’s likely that the topic might come up again. Should I just avoid talking numbers? What I’m trying to say is, sometimes I struggle with social interactions (miraculously they still love me – at least for now!!) so I’m grateful for any advice on avoiding any potential awkwardness.
mascot
For socializing, you can probably do the same activities that you were doing before. Maybe they aren’t the friends for a blow the budget dinner witha 10 course tasting menu, but you can have just as much fun at 2 for 1 tacos night at the funky hole in the wall. So as long as you are sensitive that everyone has different budgetary constraints, I think this can continue to be a non-issue. Don’t feel like you have to apologize for a higher salary, but don’t constantly flaunt it either.
Kanye East
I know you didn’t mean this as a humblebrag, but I promise you: it’s more awkward and difficult for your friends who make less money than you do. If they’re good friends, I don’t think there’s any subject you shouldn’t be able to talk about–just remember to be sensitive to their budget restrictions when you’re making plans (what mascot said).
Ella
I wouldn’t stress about it. Be matter-of-fact. Don’t flaunt your wealth and invite everyone to way to expensive outings, but also don’t feel like you need to hide your lifestyle.
People choose a career track that optimizes for different things. You’ve chosen one that happens to optimize for earnings. Your friends may not care about that and feel really sorry that your career doesn’t optimize for things that they care about, like free time or the ability to be outside a lot. We all are different people and therefore care about different things when we make career choices.
**I am guessing that your friends are not failed attorneys, in which case this advice is moot and there may be real awkwardness.**
anon again
Thanks – really appreciate the advice – lots of really good points
SMR
I’ve been losing weight over the summer, and I’ve just broken out my fall items, and they’re all too big, or fit poorly now. I’m afraid to toss them or alter them in case I gain back the weight, but I also don’t know if I want to buy all new clothes because I’m hoping to continue losing weight. I also just need some clothes that fit right now. I need some weight fluctuation wardrobe tips, because I just can’t seem to find a good balance.
Anonymous
Congrats on the weight loss! I’d just buy a few staple transition pieces. 1-2 pairs of pants in your new size, 2 new tops, and 2 cardigans or sweaters. Don’t spend a lot of money if you think you’ll keep losing weight. My one friend has lost 75lbs over the last 2 years and she uses filler pieces until she gets down to the next size.
I'm Just Me
I’m happily in a similar situation. I am using this as a chance to sort through my clothing. I’m completely getting rid of pieces that did not fit well when I was heavier or that I don’t truely like. When I was heavier, I tended to buy things that I did not really like just because they fit, and now I don’t need to do that. I’m taking a few things that can be easily altered in for alteration (i.e., simple skirts, jackets that are need more simple alterations, etc.) I’m keeping some pieces that I truely love but would be more expensive to alter for later on. Once my weight stablizes I will look into getting them altered, but I don’t want to have them done twice.
As far as purchasing clothing, I am tending to buy more dresses, because I feel like they have a little more leeway on a changing body, especially wrap dresses or dresses with some detailing at the waist that will disquise the “too big” look. I’m trying to keep in mind “Dress the body you have.” I don’t feel like I need a large number of pieces as a transitional wardrobe.
Sydney Bristow
I’ve found that pencil skirts are the most forgiving of weight changes. Pants seem to be more difficult for me. I find myself replacing pencil skirts and cardigans first as I lose weight and then buy other items if I seem to stay at that weight for awhile. I’ve also kept a couple of items in 1 size bigger than I currently am just in case but only a couple to get me through a period of refocusing on my weight loss/maintenance.
Bonnie
I get rid of the bigger clothing as I lose weight because I don’t want the crutch of having larger clothing for the possibility of weight gain.
nonaanoun
Alter them.
For 2 reasons:
1. more motivation to keep the weight off; and
2. even if you do, they will probably be out of style and you would have to buy new clothes anyway.
But seriously, for the first reason. Buttons and zippers are our friends. They don’t lie when we need to lay off the treats and step up the workouts.
roses
Don’t bring the topic of money up, but if it’s being talked about, relate to it in ways that don’t emphasize that you earn a lot more – e.g., the problems of sticking to a budget, keeping track of different accounts, etc. But if someone brings up how much you make directly, don’t pretend that you don’t make that much or something – it’s kind of condescending, like they can’t handle that fact. Quickly and graciously acknowledge it and move on.
BB
Arg! Got blindsided today with a surprise meeting with my company’s CEO…on the one day in a month I come to work in business casual-casual and not business formal. Ugh.
Hel-lo
This is a lesson in why we should not get lazy and dress down.
nonaanoun
This!
(BB, you have my sympathy. Been there, done that, hated it.)
Elysian
Lawyer ladies: What services do you use to keep up with developments in your practice area? I don’t think my firm has a subscription to anything. I’ve been using Bloomberg Law, but that is heldover from law school and my law student subscription will eventually expire when my law school email does. Any suggestions for the next best thing? Free is better than not free.
mascot
What is your practice area?
Elysian
Labor and Employment (plaintiff side)
anon
Your firm may belong to, say, your state’s plaintiffs’ employment attorneys association – mine does, comes with a great monthly email summarizing recent case laws. HRHero(dot)com also has some free emails along with its (great) paid email newsletters summarizing recent case law. If your firm subscribes to your local legal paper, that often comes with some kind of email access to recent case law developments in your jurisdiction.
Carrie Preston
I like lexology, it aggregates clients alerts from firms and you can subscribe to practice areas.
Anon
I’m in L&E in a specific niche, and I joined a couple of groups on Linked In related to my area. People frequently post links to articles and cases of interest.
Also, I signed up for the relevant sections of the ABA and my local bar association, so I get their publications. They don’t have the most timely information, but go in-depth on recent developments.
LitiGator
I also practice L&E (defense), and I use Westlaw, BNA, and law 360. I have an alert set up on Westlaw to email me relevant cases, and while I don’t always read them, I at least read the blurbs that I receive. I don’t actually subscribe to law 360, but I receive emails with blurbs of relevant articles/cases, then I hunt down any important cases on Westlaw.
JCrew -- sizing Q
With any luck, you will have a long and fruitful career and any loans you have will get paid off. But stay humble — you are just a review or economic hiccup away from the breadlines — and stay modest (maybe you live in midtown, but you have to b/c you’ll be working until midnight and then you get stuck with city taxes; maybe your rent is 3K/month, but so are your loan payments).
If you talk $, I don’t talk about them to people other than my husband and a few friends who are at a similar age and stage.
Most of my non-law-school friends and blue-collar friends have done remarkably well, live in places that are reasonably-priced, have their own businesses, and don’t have half of the ridiculousness I have or see (bemoaning that your kids didn’t get into top-ranked Country Day, got kicked out of UVA for grades, have to give up the country club b/c you can’t afford it post-divorce). Surely people know from TV that lawyers are rich!rich!rich! (but in all honesty, that ain’t so).
ANP
Grrrr. I have a direct report who is a wonderful person, but who’s been underperforming lately. Specifically, she mishandled a large event she was responsible for by procrastinating. The event turned out well (I’d give it a B+, maybe an A-), but that was mostly because the rest of our staff pitched in during fire drill mode in the final weeks. Not cool.
She’s a part time employee who runs a side business and although I do trust her to keep track of her hours, the side business is tangentially related in the smallest of ways to her work here. I recently told her that I need her to keep her side business separate from her job with us (i.e. not working on her other job while she’s in our building). To my knowledge, she was complying.
So — recent underperformance, a warning about the side biz, and…I find an email printout from her side business in the printer this morning. When I handed it to her, saying “I think this is yours” she just said, “Oh, thanks.” Um, HELLO!?!? I asked you not to work on this at the office!
Next steps? I’ve had hard conversations with people before but this one is particularly tough for me b/c I like her a lot as a person, and her attitude is very positive/good for our team.
NOLA
You definitely need to address this, as you’ve said. I would say focus on the things that are problems and plan out in advance the words you will use. Be careful not to generalize beyond the things that are really problems or bring in issues that aren’t as important and emphasize that you believe her attitude is good for the team, but you must address these issues. I found the book Crucial Conversations really helpful in these situations.
tazdevil
So she is a temp? Is she working through a temp agency? If so, it is part of their job to ax her if you request it. No need to agonize about having a “hard personal conversation”. So what if she is a nice person? If your bosses are angy at you about a botched project, her niceness will not save your career or pay your bills.! Sorry if I sound b*t@hy about this but “niceness” to direct reports who could not bother to be professional about their job has cost me dearly in my career. All that is needed is one phone call to the account services manager at the temp agency. You will, however want to cooridinate with your companies security team to terminate her access badge on her last day. It is also best if you ask the temp company to wait untill she has left your building for the day to give her the bad news, to save your team from any workplace drama. Remember, she is an at will employee (just like your full time staff), and you gave her a warning already, which she choose to ignore.
ANP
Thanks gang. To clarify, she’s an employee of our company but in a part-time capacity. She also runs her own business on the side.
Agree that I shouldn’t worry about being nice to her when doing so could cost me in my own performance review.
I needed this kick in the pants — and NOLA, thanks for the book rec. I’ll be Amazoning that shortly.
Moonstone
I don’t know that she’s a temp. The OP says it’s a part time job. Anyway, ANP, I would go over to Ask A Manager, where she addresses questions like this all the time.
annon
Agree with the devil here. Why are you so concerned about her feelings when she shows no concern about your feelings by using office time/equiptment to work on her side business, and screwing up key projects??
Susedna
This. Also, remember that the first time someone screws up and has then had expectations laid out clearly and told to shape up is a v different thing when that person screws up on a similar/related issue. It is more a broken prmise and a disregarding of the expectations you made clear the last time.
Anon
Relationship advice needed – ladies, my boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, and we’re starting to actually consider marriage and kids, etc. I love my boyfriend, and he’s a great partner, but we kind of accidentally started dating, without any romance or fluttery feelings, and before I knew it, we had been together for over a year. Our LGPs are great, he’s my partner in crime and household chores, he makes me laugh, and I know he would do basically anything for me. Any problems we have, we communicate, and fix them. I know that the fuzzy feelings go away, and if you’re lucky, you’re left with a relationship that looks pretty much like ours, but I feel cheated out of the giddy courtship phase of a relationship, and worry that long-term, the hazy “in-love” stage is necessary for forming the bonds that make his shortcomings seem less annoying. He has lots of little habits that get under my skin, and make him less desirable, but I’m pretty sure most of those annoyances are just unrealistic expectations. Looking back, the boyfriends I fell head over heels for also had equal numbers of annoying habits, but I cared less because there were huge red flags (religious differences, hot tempers, still in love with his ex girlfriend, etc) that excluded even considering marriage. I was raised in a single parent household, and my mother has had terrible luck with relationships, so I don’t really have that model to look at.
How do I even start to evaluate my relationship? How can I tell what I should be aiming for, what I should hold out for, and what is just unrealistic, Hollywood-movie expectations?
Q
Are you happy? Do not worry about what Madison Avenue tells you then. You can always find a way to see a glass half full as half empty. This sounds at least 3/4 full to me.
anon
Take this with a grain of salt from someone who has never been in a relationship where I’ve been close to considering marriage, but I would not get married to, or even consider marriage to, someone I was not absolutely crazy about. You sound doubtful at best. If you had phrased your question differently and said, “I adore my boyfriend and can’t imagine my life without him,” I might have a different reaction, but you just don’t seem that excited about him.
anon
Reading these other comments makes me realize that I have no idea what I’m talking about (seriously). Listen to the other ladies — they know more than I do!
Anon
This is my instinct, but when I talk to my happily married friends, they complain about their husbands the same way I complain about my boyfriend. It seems to be a difference in expectations, and I am fully cognizant that my expectations are generally unrealistic. Bought the book I wanted for my birthday, but didn’t wrap it and bought the hardcover when I only usually buy the paperbacks? Doesn’t spend an hour cooking fancy dinners like I do when it’s his turn, but does cook simple meals for me often? Wears clothes that desperately need tailoring, and hates to shop, but is trying to save money? -I’m aware my discontent in these situation is absurd, and try to tell that part of me to shut the hell up and appreciate a man who bakes me bread whenever I ask and loves the same TV shows and is so brilliant.
Diana Barry
Honey, if this is the OP, your BF sounds really really really awesome. Marry him!
FWIW, maybe your love languages are different? You might want the “grand gestures” while he is more about everyday acts of caring.
Anon
Ha, yes, this is the OP, and I’ve brought up that we should read the love languages book. Thank you.
Walnut
He bakes bread on demand?? This carb lover calls him a keeper!
dancinglonghorn
Honestly, you need to read about the brain on lust. Basically, all those bad boys mess with our heads (literally) because they behave unpredictibly. The unpredictable behavior causes huge swings in dopamine in the brain, and we get addicted to the swings in dopamine, just like a meth addict (its actually almost identical to meth other than the killing of dopamine receptors). A nice guy who is sweet all the time will cause less swings in your “love chemical” than a bad boy who is sometimes sweet and sometimes badly behaved.
IMO, I used to feel like you. But then I realized that my long-term career and family goals are just not consistent with a live of chasing an addiction. Other friends who don’t want children (or don’t mind the idea of raising their kids without a husband when the bad boy inevitably turns bad and walks out) have different opinions and are addicted to the New Relationship Energy (NRE – the term for the dopamine hit you experience at the beginning of a relationship). Or they just don’t have careers that are as stressful as mine.
Ultimately its your life. I personally thought a lot about the type of role model I wanted my children to have. If my kids turned out exactly like my husband in behavior, I would be the luckiest women on the planet twice over. So for me, it was a no brainier. But some people love the dopamine…(one of my friends in particular loves crazy girls specifically for the crazy girl LGPs!)
January
I’ve never been in a relationship that’s been close to marriage, either, but if he’s a good partner in crime, makes you laugh, is good in the garden, and is a good partner in life, too, then I think you should think long and hard before getting rid of this guy. Remember – your relationships that started with a giddy courtship phase didn’t work out. There’s probably a reason for that.
AIMS
Imagine that you decided to call it quits and hold out for butterflies in your stomach — how would you feel without him in your life? Really picture that and see if it makes you excited or sad?
Some people need that fluttery feeling in the pit of their stomach, some don’t. I think a lot of people are unhappy because of unrealistic expectations. I read something recently that broke it down as happiness = reality that is greater than the expectation. Ultimately, only you know what is right for you. But before you make any drastic decisions, maybe consider trying to create some of that “falling in love” magic for yourself now? Go on a date in a hot air baloon, write some love notes, buy some new undies… A lot of how we feel at the start of a relationship can be recreated if you’re creative about it.
Silvercurls
+1 to Q. You sound like you and your BF are in pretty good shape.
For more information over time, get to know one or more people who have enjoyed a long-lasting (minimum of 7 years, but over 15 or 20 is much better), mutually happy marriage or partnership. Observe how the couples interact, verbally and nonverbally, with each other and what they say about each other in each others’ presence and absence. If your relationship allows you to ask questions and get honest answers (without anyone feeling intruded upon) listen carefully to what they say about balancing life, work, hobbies, dreams, disappointments, inlaws, kids, etc. No need to pry–just chat and pay attention. I hope that in years to come you and your DH can be a model of happiness for someone else.
Wildkitten
He sounds great. Marry him.
Eleanor
Yeah, you sound like you have a great relationship. Nothing you’ve said sounds like a good reason for not marrying this man.
Senior Attorney
+1
I will also note that when I was in grad school for marriage and family therapy, my faculty adviser did a study that showed the number one predictor of happy marriages was the strength of the friendship between the partners. Sounds like you’ve got that nailed down.
Anon in NYC
This is a question you can only answer for yourself, but every time I start to get dissatisfied with my DH for not being “more” I have to remind myself of this: my life is not a romantic comedy. My life is not a country music song.
We had been together for a number of years before marriage, and during that time I have periodically felt like I could/should find someone with more sparks or passion. And I’ve always come to the realization that my DH is really great. He’s GGG (in Dan Savage terms), we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, we can talk about anything, he has a very egalitarian view of gender roles (important to me), I feel like I’m a better person as a result of being with him… and the list goes on and on. What has convinced me that my DH is a keeper is that when I DO feel vague dissatisfaction, I can (gently) talk to him about the issue and we shake things up a bit. Try something new, go for a hike, etc. This works for us. I made my choice about my priorities in a partner. Your priorities may be different. And obviously what matters most is that you’re happy in the relationship. If you are happy and think that you can spend the next 30-50 years with this person, that’s what matters. Not whether he stands outside your window with a boombox playing Peter Gabriel (yes, I just watched Say Anything a few weeks ago).
roses
Don’t listen to the TV/romcom/movie thing that you have to be giddy/crazy/obsessed to be in love. Like the above commenters said – think about what your life would be like without him. If you’re answer is that you would feel sad, lonely, like a part of your life was missing – marry this guy. If you’re “meh, whatever,” reconsider. Love and compatibility don’t always translate into rainbows and musical montages.
(FWIW, I’m married to a guy who I also never was “super giddy” about. After a few dates, I broke it off. I realized a few weeks later that I missed having someone around who gets me, who is sweet, supportive, and who I just couldn’t bear not to have in my life. Married 4 years later.)
R
With my SO for 13+ years, married for 7. Also several-times-divorced parents, so no good model. But so far, what matters long term is actually the opposite of the hazy in-love feeling. Do you have a base friendship? Do you actually like him as a person?
There will be times when you hate his guts and think you made a mistake ever meeting him. But at the same time, hopefully he’ll be the one you want to complain to (about him!) because he’s your best source of comfort and snark and advice. Knowing that I still like HIM helps get me through the super-upset times.
If you feel cheated, maybe make an effort to connect on a different level than you are now. If you’re mostly couch-and-TV people, maybe plan a picnic outing to a museum. Or if you mainly go out dancing every weekend, plan a slow weekend outdoors. Out of the ordinary dates might help you discover a different side of him (or help emphasize that you both hate camping) and give you that feeling of rediscovering a new person.
NYC
Do you like the person you are when you are with him? Does he bring out the best in you?
MH
+1 to this. This is a point that’s often overlooked when people talk about relationships.
Mpls
Those hazy giddy feelings at the beginning are brain chemicals designed to make you reproduce to propagate the species. I don’t think they have any bearing on long term commitment except to make you spend time together, which happened to you anyway. Romance is nice, but partnership is better, IMO.
Art Lover at Law
I’m not a big believer in fate or one true love, but I honestly believe that you know it when you find the right person. You know it in your gut. When you sit down and honestly listen to what your gut/instincts are saying, you will have your answer. Often times, we override what our gut tells us with our brain. We rationalize that he is a nice guy or your complaints are petty or anyone else would be happy to have him or other people would criticize you for letting him go. In the end, the gut always wins. Do you want to put your self and a nice guy, and p0ssibly future children, through the pain and heartbreak of a relationship that wasn’t meant to be? Because eventually the gut will win out and you will both realize your mistake. Based on what you are saying and the fact that you are questioning it, my guess is that he isn’t the one for you. If you have to ask, he isn’t right. It sounds like you are looking for someone to reassure your gut and side with your brain.
anon
This is the anon from above who said to take my advice with a grain of salt. I totally agree with you, and I have always hoped this would be true, but all the other ladies who have actually been married disagree, which makes me wonder if I’m way off here.
Do you ladies think many people just settle and always wonder if something better is out there? Who is married and can honestly say they’ve never thought about what else is out there and they knew their spouse was exactly right for them and have never doubted that (not saying they dont’ get annoyed with him or have little fights, but just that they never doubted the big picture concept that he was the ONE)?
Anonforthis
If you feel like you’re settling, you’re probably not going to be happy. Likewise, if things like the OP mentioned are things you know you cannot live with/deal with for the next 40 years, you’re not going to be happy. But if they’re just things you wish were different, but accept (ACTUALLY accept) will not change, then you’re not settling. You’re accepting your partner for who he/she is and saying that you want to be with that person, flaws and all.
I was in 2 long term relationshops (5 yrs and 6 yrs) and my husband was married for 2 years previously so perhaps we’re a little different, but we knew early on that this was it and we haven’t doubted the big picture concept even if we knew going in that there were things about each other that would probably drive each of us nuts sometimes. If you’re compatible on the bigs things and can live with the little things, it’s not really settling because there is no such thing as a perfect person.
mascot
I honestly don’t wonder what else is out there except maybe in a very fleeting fantasy where my whole life is different, not just my spouse. I’m married. I’ve said that this man and this relationship is my future. And since I know that we are both committed to this path, I know that we can work through whatever life throws at us and I have faith in our ability and willingness to do. It’s hard sometimes, but I don’t have doubts.
AIMS
First of all, you can be married for 50 years and not be happy so longevity alone does not mean anything.
Second, I think we’re all different. For some people, there is only one “the one” and for others it might be several, depending on where they are in life (think about all those people who lost a spouse and then fell in love anew, for instance).
Ultimately, I think it’s like looking for a home. It’s rarely ever everything you thought you wanted in a perfect place, but you make trade offs and if you make them wisely, you can be very happy. I really want great closets and outdoor space, but I will trade outdoor space for great closets.
Also, on the subject of chemistry and fireworks, a friend of mine rejected many guys because she really wanted that spark. She ended up marrying a guy who fit the bill – fireworks everytime, never lost that giddy feeling, etc. But they had nothing else in common, had completely different views of how to raise kids and share household responsibilities and are now getting a divorce. He still thinks she’s hot and she still thinks he’s a g*d in bed, but what does it get them? This is obviously completely anecdotal, but it still comes back to trade offs. My history is anecdotal, too. I was in a relationship that I kind of just fell into and we were great friends and partners in crime, etc., but we never had that early romance. Eventually it ended. I left for stars and googly eyes. But, looking back, I don’t think it was just the lack of that romance that made it end. It was the way he didn’t listen to my needs, the way we fought about air conditioning, the way he refused to go see my family but expected me to spend weekends with his, it was all those things. And if it wasn’t for that, maybe we would have made it work because in many ways we were great, and I say that as someone who is very happy with relationship I’m in now (and yes we did have that hazy romantic feeling, but after about 7 years, it’s all a lot of sitting on the couch and watching tv together).
Rosalita
Many women want the “sparks.” I have found that what these women really want is excitement.
Sometimes excitement translates to drama in a relationship. I realized that I was wanting “sparks”, but what that really was masking for me was some combination of “drama” and interest that meant that I was picking guys that were more show than substance.
The OP’s current BF sounds like more substance than show. As we mature, many of us find that substance is more important than show.
But if you, the OP, are not looking forward to a future with him, then you need to be honest with yourself and with him about that. And let him go if he is looking for a future and you aren’t.
It can be very cruel to just cruise along when you aren’t actually sure you want a future. I’ve been on the other side of that, and felt incredibly used.
Art Lover at Law
I’ve been happily married for 6 years, together for 13. I can honestly say that I married the right person. I knew on our first date. We’ve had ups and downs like any relationship, so I’m not even going to pretend my life is like a romantic comedy (we even broke up for a while early on), but I still never doubted he was the right person.
I’ve had a few friends that just took the next logical step in their relationships. They dated and never had a reason to break up, so they moved in together. Then they didn’t have a reason to end that, so they got engaged… then married. At some point, I think they thought more about it and realized they were in the relationship because they never had a big fight or disagreement that would lead to an end, but they knew that the person wasn’t who they would have picked if marriage had been in mind from the start. I think that’s why so many people have “starter marriages.” Once they figure out that they didn’t really intend to end up there, they acknowledge that the relationship had been lacking all along.
MH
I am married and I can honestly say that I’ve never doubted that my husband is the one. We’ve been together for over 7 years and I still physically react in a positive way whenever I’m around him. I know that’s not the longest relationship ever, but it’s still a long time.
But, everyone is different. Personally, I never dated much before I met my husband, so I didn’t have a lot to compare to. I am very tall, and was never attracted to men shorter than me, so I always assumed that my pool of options was going to be miniscule. I also have a pretty strong personality that I’m not willing to change. Do I have these feelings about my husband because he’s The One? Or, do I have them because I finally met a guy with whom I had a mutual attraction, and who seemed to enjoy and complement my personality? Who knows.
Eleanor
I don’t think this is true at all. “If you have to ask, he isn’t right,” seems totally wrong. Any responsible person should ask herself repeatedly before getting married whether this person is right for her. And I don’t mean a one-off question, but going through all the factors people have raised here: Does he treat me with respect? Do we believe the same things about children, religion, finances, etc.? Am I a better person when I’m around him? Am I happy when I’m with him?
Going with your “gut” sounds unreliable. I think most people who are married for long enough are going to wonder or feel like at some point that they made a mistake. Is their “gut” telling them they did? No, they’re going through normal difficulties of entwining your life with that of another human being. What does your “gut” reaction even mean? It’s probably some combination of your thoughts, your emotions, what your friends tell you, what the culture tells you, what the latest thing your boyfriend said to you was, and what you just ate for lunch. This doesn’t seem like a good basis on which to base one of the most important decisions of your life.
Also, I’ve seen more than one person be sure her “gut” was right, and wind up divorced.
Art Lover at Law
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ask yourself those important questions. You definitely should. I’m saying that sometimes our judgment gets clouded by the opinions of other people, unrealistic expectations by ourselves and by others, and fear of change. I just think it is important to stop and really think about why you are doing what you are doing and whether you are aiming to please yourself or others. If you can be honest with yourself, then you know what is right for you. Being honest with yourself = listening to your gut.
dancinglonghorn
I actually totally disagree. I went out on a date with my now-husband as a dare – a joke basically. Really, it was a joke. (It was actually a pity date but that’s a whole different story). Then it turned into a summer fling (when I found out that underneath his nerd clothes – really awful nerd clothes like elastic waist jeans – he was hot!!!). I never, ever imagined I would end up with him. In fact, I dated other people and had much more intense feelings about other people I dated while we were in the early phases.
I honestly do not know how I ended up with my husband but I am so incredibly lucky because the feelings just snuck up on me.
dancinglonghorn
Some good books you chould check out are :
“Marry Him!”
“Selfish Reasons to Have More Children” – it has a great chapter reviewing all the studies about how kids basically turn out like their parents. He makes an argument for “why the bad boy is a bad value proposition” for women – basically you get to live the pain twice.
Anything by John Gottman who is a famous psychology professor who has studied marriage happiness his whole life.
Brant
Finish this sentence: “If only my BF did _____________, he would be perfect and I would know instantly that I wanted to marry him.”
It’s hard, isn’t it? DH drives me bananas sometimes. And occasionally I get to the point where I mentally list out all the things he does that drive me crazy. Then I stop and think about all the things he does that are awesome. And THEN I think about all the annoying things that I do, and how lucky I am to have found someone that not only tolerates but actually enjoys me. ;) Plus, he can cook.
When it comes down to it, we really do function best as a unit. We have enough overlapping belief systems (we’re aligned on money and parenting styles, for example) that it makes it easier to compromise when we disagree.
Equity's Darling
Today on my way to work I saw two women (probably late 20’s to mid-30s?) wearing something similar (they weren’t walking together, or even in the same part of town) – > heels/ankle boots with sheer knee-high black nylon sock things, and an otherwise completely appropriate business outfit (skirt suits just above the knee with a button-down).
Is this a new thing I don’t know about, or did I just happen to see two odd ducks this morning? I’m hoping the latter, because I did not love how it looked.
LilyB
as in, you could see skin between the top of the knee-highs and the hem of the skirt? ew. just ew.
Equity's Darling
Yes, exactly. Like 4-6 inches of bare skin between top of knee highs and the skirts.
nonaanoun
That is an OH. Honey. No. in my book. Not for work. Rock that elsewhere.
Mpls
Bwah? Is the 90s knee sock thing (was that a 90s thing?) trying to make a come back? That is totally not cool.
Calibrachoa
NGL, I love knee high socks. However, I only wear them with long skirts or trousers for extra warms.
Mpls
Oh, totally. I love me a knee sock, under pants, or in a boot, or on a 6 year old.
I seem to vaguely recall a thing, maybe it was a goth influence, where you would wear nylon type knee socks/thigh highs, but so that you could see leg between the top of the sock and the hem of the skirt. But it was not a professional attire look by any stretch of the imagination. Unless you were working at Hot Topic.
Calibrachoa
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ZettaiRyouiki
(Warning: TV tropes will eat your soul. Worst time waster ever. Etc)
Yeah Goths are frequently guilty of it *cough cough*
Anon
Did a new generation just discover Clueless or something?
AIMS
It sounds like these ladies are around my age so Clueless was a thing for them already.
FWIW, I knew a woman who used to do this sometimes and I think it’s because she actually thought it looked like stockings because when she stood perfectly still you couldn’t tell she was wearing knee highs, only when she moved or sat down. It was not a good look.
anon
kind of a silly question – does anyone TTC with astrological signs in mind? for example, trying to avoid certain signs by not TTC nine months prior to the sign’s time period.
Em
I hope not, but a lot of people are idiots, so probably.
Hel-lo
Ha!
nonaanoun
I don’t even know what TTC is.
NYC
Ha! I’m sure some people do. There were a lot of Chinese babies born in 2012 (truly, disproportionate numbers) because everyone wants to have a baby in the year of the dragon. I guess astrological signs aren’t that different, but much harder to get a baby in a particular month than in a particular year.
My only concern was avoiding a December birthday, mostly because I think birthdays around Christmas get the short end of the stick. For my second baby (if I am so lucky), I might try to avoid a summer due date. But that is because my maternity clothes are all winter clothes and I was SO HOT, so I can’t imagine being pregnant when it is also hot outside.
Susie
No, but I have thought if I were to try to get pregnant I would plan it so I’m not really big in the summer.
ezt
I hope you are successful with TTC very early on, I really do — but if you’re even 8 or 9 months in (as I am), I can promise you that the only thing you will care about is that it happens. You really can’t plan these things — and if it ends up taking longer than you thought, you might regret wasting the opportunity to TTC for a few months where you were actually ready to do so, because you were trying to get a certain zodiac sign (particularly if you are trying to convince your doctor it’s time to start testing).
Anonforthis
Co-sign. I just want a baby and I no longer care when or how.
AIMS
Yes, I plan to aim for a Libra or Aquarius baby exclusively. Maybe a Gemini, but still debating that one.
I’m joking, obviously. I think it’s hard to plan this though people probably have tried and I am sure even more people now try to have a baby in the early part of the year (Jan – March) because they all read the same Malcolm Gladwell article about how that helps kids do well in school.
I do have a friend who was really hoping her baby would come just a bit early so she wouldn’t have a Virgo like her mother (it didn’t work out), but I think that was just a her mother issue..
Yellow
as a december baby who was always a solid year behind my oldest classmates (and often had people older than me in the grade below me) don’t worry if your kid is born at the end of the year! it didn’t stop me from getting into great colleges, being a college athlete, or have any social implications. start trying when it works for you- you can’t control all the tiny details!
Lyra Silvertongue
I read an article that babies born in September have the best chance of living into their 100s. Looking forward to my centennial :P
Brant
I admit I thought about (1) not wanting to give birth in the dead of winter and (2) not wanting a fall baby where I’d have to worry about whether or not s/he’d have to be held back a year because the birthday is too late to start school.
Then life happened and we we didn’t conceive super quickly, and decided to keep trying even if it meant a fall/winter baby. Sure enough, baby was born in October!
Once we knew we were having a fall baby, I *did* hope for her sake that she was born a week or two early so she could have a september birthday vs october….because sapphire is a much nicer birthstone. Didn’t happen :)
Veronique
PSA: Rent the Runway has just introduced plus sizes (RTR Plus). No affiliation, just a satisfied customer who is glad that they’re expanding their size range. They also have an option for “bump friendly” as one of their choices for body type, for our current and future pregnant r*ttes.
TBK
Sweet! There’s a maternity consignment shop in Alexandria that rents evening gowns, which is such a fantastic idea, but they have a limited selection. I have two gala/ball-things this winter, in Nov and Jan, and will definitely be looking for gowns! Thanks for sharing!
Anon
Having trouble deciding what to wear to a campaign fundraising event. It’s a lunch event in LA, if that makes a difference.
Supposedly there are going to be a lot of future business connections for me there (I am a law student). My first thought was suit (I only have one- dark grey, very plain, used for OCI interviews), but now I’m thinking that might be too stuffy. Any advice?
Susie
I’m thinking a sheath dress, assuming the lunch is at a nice-ish place.
Veronique
+1. Sheath with blazer is always professional but not stuffy. You can play with color and texture in the dress and blazer as well.
Natasha
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