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For busy working women, the suit is often the easiest outfit to throw on in the morning. In general, this feature is not about interview suits for women, which should be as classic and basic as you get — instead, this feature is about the slightly different suit that is fashionable, yet professional.
There was a time when it felt like all I posted were purple suits, so I consciously made an effort to move away — but I also think they got less common. Jones New York is bringing them back in a big way this fall with this gorgeous, bright purple suit, which is part of their Big Deal sale: 30% off the entire site, plus free shipping. I think all of the pieces would get a lot of wear as separates, and — for the right woman — they'll make a great suit as well. The jacket (Long Sleeve Ruffle Front Jacket) is $103 (was $149), the dress (Sleeveless Belted Dress) is $90 (was $129); the skirt (Seamed A-line Boot Skirt) is $62 (was $89), and the pants (not pictured: Slim Pant with Pocket) are $62 (were $89).
There are so many cute things in the sale section (also 30% off) that I'll do a mini-roundup after the suit pics…
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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Chronic chapped lips
Apologies for the immediate TJ this afternoon, but I need some advice… do any fellow r*ettes have solutions for chapped lips that just won’t seem to go away? Could it be allergies? Is this a question for a GP? Allergist? No matter what I try, I can’t get them to stop flaking and they’re pretty painful. Medicated stuff like Carmex doesn’t help, just burns. Plain petroleum jelly is the most soothing, but still doesn’t help heal. TIA!
Equity's Darling
This might not apply to you, but my lips get really chapped and skin gets really dry when I’m dehydrated or if I’m not getting enough good oils (avocado, nuts, etc.). I also find coconut oil to be a good moisturizer
k-padi
this. When I switched out water for diet coke, my lips were no longer chronically chapped.
Anon
This is a great idea. In the meantime, Aquaphor is the best for chapped lips. It’s what dermatologists recommend for Accutane users.
Anon in NYC
+1. It works better than Vaseline, in my opinion. I’ve also heard great things about coconut oil.
January
I haven’t tried Aquaphor, but in my experience plain old Vaseline works better than a lot of the more expensive drugstore products out there. I have chronically flaky lips and always have.
Veronique
+1. Medicated stuff only irritates my lips, moisturizers can be soothing, but staying hydrated is the only thing that really heals them. Drink lots of water, avoid licking your lips and use a simple lip moisturizer (either natural oils/butters or petroleum jelly) without a lot of potentially irritating ingredients like fragrance and menthol, reapplying often. I have sensitive lips (can’t use anything with mint) that tend to be dry and some of my favorite lip balms are Burts Bees Replenishing (red top), Eos, Blistex DCT (peach pot), and Nivea Kiss of Moisture. I apply a thick layer of something heavy like petroleum jelly or rosebud salve (in the tin) before bed.
Anony
Maybe a dermotologist? I had a lip chap thing that they gave me a steroid for once (applied for a couple of weeks if I recall), and it totally did the trick.
hellskitchen
Raw shea butter works wonders on my chronically chapped and dry lips
Maddie Ross
Not sure about allergies, but the one topical treatment that has worked for me when others have failed is the neosporin lip treatments (both day and night, used together). They are thicker then other treatments and do not contain menthol like carmex, which is actually drying.
a.k.
Second this. Neosporin every night before bed works wonders for me.
a.k.
to clarify: I mean the Neosporin lip treatment (comes in a little tub, packaged similar to Carmex), not the basic Neosporin.
AttiredAttorney
Yep, when I was on isotretinoin treatment, the Neosporin overnight lip treatment (in the little pot) was the best thing.
ITDS
How about neosporin? It’s got a vaseline-like texture, and promotes healing. It might not taste great (I’ve never tried it) but perhaps used overnight it would help you get ahead of the damage.
Anonymous
Have you put neutrogena norweigan formula on your lips? It’s a lotion but can be used on lips. That or go to a Derm. who will either a) find a cause or b) have better suggestions.
Anonymous
When my lips get really dry, I use lanolin that is left over from my pumping days.
exfoliation
You should try gently exfoliating your lips to get the dead skin off. They will absorb moisture better after you do this. I either use a damp wash cloth, or a gentle sugar scrub, either store bought or home made (1T brown sugar, a big of oil, a sqeeze of lemon juice).
SoCalAtty
Hi Hive. Just needed a shoulder to cry on. I had to jump on a flight to Sacramento because my grandpa (the one that raised me) is not doing well. It looks like those cysts a few years ago really were pancreatic cancer (just like my mom) and they are into his liver and lung. We moved him into a skilled nursing place yesterday (and it is actually really nice!) under hospice, and lucky for me he doesn’t have a “roommate” yet so I have taken over the extra bed with my laptop and work stuff.
Work was so great about it. They said “go, don’t worry about PTO, just log on when you can!” I have to go teach in Colorado Thursday/Friday, and they even offered to let me out of that to let me stay here longer. I don’t think I will, because grandpa is totally situated now and my uncle is here to hold down the fort, but I wish I could just drop everything and camp out here as long as he needs me to.
I was glad he was happy to see me when I got in yesterday but it almost killed me that he was so happy and I can’t stay indefinately. He understands, in fact said “well I hope you didn’t spend too much money!!” (to which I responded, no, Papa, it isn’t a problem…and he laughed”), and doesn’t want me to camp out or anything, but I just wish I could.
Orangerie
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Try not to beat yourself up when you have to leave and go back to work; the important thing is you were able to make it out to Sacramento now. Just focus on making the most of the rest of your time together.
TBK
I’m so sorry. These things are never easy.
NOLA
Hey just want to say good for you for doing that. When my mom was in her last week of life (colon cancer), the hospital told us that patients do better when they have family members staying with them. I stayed every night and left to go home and sleep when other family members came during the day. I wouldn’t trade that time with my mom for anything, even though she couldn’t speak because of the morphine.
Hugs to you and your family.
SoCalAtty
I know…he’s sleeping a lot, so that’s why I’ve pretty much taken over the room so I am here whenever he wakes up. He’s not in pain or anything, and they’re ready to go with meds if he ever is, but he just doesn’t eat or drink other than tiny sips of water anymore so I think being dehydrated + malnourished has made him really weak, and then whatever the cancer is doing in there. He is a DNR/DNI, and doesn’t even want IV fluid or nutrition, and I can understand that, but I can’t help but wonder if just that wouldn’t make him more comfortable. Ugh it is so frustrating to be so helpless…and not to be able to stay here to ride it out with him makes it worse.
mascot
Not a medical professional so you may want to ask one of the hospice workers about this. From what I remember from family members in hospice, there came a point where they stopped eating and drinking. It was explained to us that dehydration was part of the body’s shutting down and that it doesn’t cause pain at that point. It seems totally counterintuitive from everything you are taught about hydration and nutrition, I know. I hope there is peace for you and your family in the days to come.
Sydney Bristow
I’m so sorry about your grandpa. I know you feel helpless, but I’m sure that any minute you are there is helping. He also probably completely understands that you can’t be there indefinitely and wouldn’t want you to miss out on other important things that are going on in your life. You and your grandpa are in my thoughts.
Blonde Lawyer
So sorry you are going through this but glad that you can be there for him.
Veronique
I’m so sorry. I went through something similar with my grandpa (I live in a different country) and we used Skype to keep in touch, including the day he passed away. Cherish the time you have with him now. I didn’t go home when my Papa took a turn for the worst because I had seen him a few months before then, wasn’t sure how long I would be gone and I wanted to be there for the funeral, but in retrospect I wish I had gone home to see him one last time. Whether or not you stay, take comfort in knowing that he knows how much you love him and wish that you could be there all the time.
Baconpancakes
I’m so glad your firm is being so great about it, and I’m so glad you can be there for him. It’s so heartbreaking to lose someone you love so much, but it’s worse when you can’t be with them. Knowing you came out, and having you there even if you have to leave is making him so much happier, I promise.
TO Lawyer
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that your firm is being good about it. I would take advantage of it – we were in the middle of a huge deadline when my grandfather was really sick and so I ended up working an extra couple of days instead of going home and he was gone before I could make it home. I regret choosing work over family so much now, even though at the time, the deadline seemed SO important (and in fairness it was, but still family>work)
TO Lawyer
whoops I meant I’m glad you’re firm is being good about it. Might need more coffee
TO Lawyer
OMG **your
I swear I can write a sentence.
SoCalAtty
That’s ok :) I’m going to teach my classes in Denver this week/weekend, then come back out Friday. I’ll either drive up or fly, depending on how ambitious I feel (about 6.5 hour drive). I should probably drive, because Papa’s telling me to get the pictures and stuff I want out of the house. My uncle also asked me to help stage the house for listing, so I’ll probably drive.
He’s totally trying to throw me out. He swears he can’t see or hardly hear, but he can totally see how wiped out I am. I told him it’s fine, I can sleep on the plane!
AIMS
I’m so sorry about your grandfather and so glad to hear you are able to be there for him now. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing a lot.
L
Second this. Hugs
Lia
hugs
Famouscait
So sorry for your sadness. Try to focus on the joy you bring to each other.
Silvercurls
Seconding all the other good advice here. Cherish whatever time you have with your grandpa. Talk to him even if he can’t respond. (My understanding is that people who are dying retain their ability to hear almost until the end.) Tell him you love him, will remember him, appreciate his influence in your life. It’s so good that you can be with him now.
CapHillAnon
Sending strong thoughts your way. It is hard and heartbreaking, but you are being a wonderful granddaughter by being there for him.
PHX
Hugs. I’ve been there with my mother (in-home hospice; cancer) and it’s so hard. Be good to yourself as well.
(Sorry if this posts twice.)
SoCalAtty
Thanks everyone for all of the good thoughts / hugs / everything!! It has actually been a pretty good evening. So far I’ve had my brother over, my dad (who, even after being divorced from my mom for like 30 years still calls Papa his “original father-in-law”), my husband, my cousin/the other granddaughter and great-granddaughter, and a few others I dragged over. It seems like he is getting a kick out of it, even though he doesn’t want anyone making a fuss.
Mascot: yes – thank you of reminding me of that. After me making some noise today and yesterday about the dry mouth, we found he has thrush. Pretty easily fixable and will make his mouth feel less gross. I think that’s why he’s been trying to eat/drink, just to taste something. It’s only been 3 years since I went through this with my mom and I think I’ve blocked out a bunch.
Part of this is scary because it’s the same cancer my mom had – pancreatic – and even though hers was much exacerbated by the alcoholism, it is scary for me now.
Orangerie
Love that sheath dress! Bummed that it doesn’t seem to be available in smaller sizes.
k-padi
So I’m heading to Amsterdam for a 10-day visit with family. I’ll be staying at their apartment so lodgings and food (kitchen!) are taken care of.
Any recommendations on what to do in Amsterdam? I’ve never been there and the family that I’m visiting just moved there a month ago.
Thanks!
PS, I quit my job on Monday to join a very small firm headed by one of my favorite mentors ever. Everyone thinks I’m crazy but I’m just crazy-excited! (Well, to be honest, the people who have worked with my mentor are a little jealous.)
Orangerie
Not sure when you’re going, but the Keukenhof gardens are to die for. Only open in the spring, though.. I think mid-March through the end of May?
I went to Amsterdam for a long weekend when I was studying abroad in Paris, so most of my suggestions are from the reference of a student budget:
– the Rijksmuseum was awesome. We didn’t have time to check out Anne Frank’s house or the Van Gogh museum but I’ve heard great things about both.
– we had a great time renting a canal bike (essentially a little boat powered by foot pedals) and roaming around for a couple hours
– this is cliched, but it was fun to take pictures in front of the IAMSTERDAM sign, especially if your first initial is there
Have fun!
Flying Squirrel
Definitely the Van Gogh museum. And since you’re there for a while, the Heineken tour is kind of fun. Heineken also tastes way better there, BTW. Second the suggestion to just walk/bike around and check out the canals. It’s a fun, lively city with a lot going on. I haven’t done this, but I suspect a boat tour through the canals would be fun.
MaggieLizer
Congrats on the new job and the trip!
Eleanor
I know nothing about Amsterdam, but congratulations on the job!
Sydney Bristow
I’m paying attention to the recommendations because I’ll be going in the spring. Please report back on your trip!
Congrats on the new job! It may seem crazy from the outside, but working for/with an excellent mentor sounds great!
Equity's Darling
Ooooh, I’m going in the spring too. I’m so excited to see Keukenhof, I’m planning to bring back hundreds of dollars of tulip bulbs.
AIMS
Keep in mind that Queen’s Day (I guess King’s Day now) is celebrated in Amsterdam at the end of April so if that’s when you’re planning your trip, be sure to book everything early.
Sydney Bristow
We will be avoiding Queen’s Day altogether!
Equity's Darling
I’m getting there the first week of May- should I still be worried about booking early?
AIMS
I think QD, or KD, may still have a bit of spillover as far as hotels go. So no need to go crazy, but you may want to just start looking a little earlier than usual so you’re not dealing with fully booked facilities.
Either way, Amsterdam in the Spring is gorgeous!
AIMS
The Rijksmuseum and the Van Gogh museum are both awesome. The Stedelijk, too, if you like modern art. The Amsterdam Zoo can be fun and I really loved De Hortus Botanicus (botanical gardens) — they have amazing 400 year old palms and a butterfly hot house where all these beautiful butterflies land on you.
A lot of people like to do the Heineken Brewery tour, though I think it’s a bit overrated and def. can be very crowded. You should visit the Red Light District though – it’s a one of a kind experience.
I’ve never been to the Anne Frank house but that’s also very popular (I just always got turned off by the tourists posing for pictures with wide grins outside and never made it in).
The area by the University Von Amsterdam is lovely and in general I highly recommend just wandering around along the canals, sitting in cafes in various squares and people watching, and basically just getting lost in the atmosphere.
There’s a lot of good shopping. In the main city center, Magna Plaza is the big shopping mall. It’s in a gorgeous old building and is worth visiting just for the building alone, and can also be great if there’s bad weather (Amsterdam in the Fall = lots of rain, bring a good wind proof umbrella). There’s also a bunch of shops (some tourist, some not) along the Leidsestraat — it’s the big shopping street between Dam Square and the Leidseplein. There are also lots of shops on the nearby Kalverstraat. Not sure if it’s still there, but my favorite place for little tokens to remember the trip by is the Fair Trade Shop on the Leidsestraat. They have really nice jewelry, spices, chocolate, etc., and at very inexpensive prices half of which go to the person who actually made the item. Keep in mind that almost all stores close at 6, except Thursday which is the big shopping day when things stay open till 8. FYI.
If you decide to get tulip bulbs, get them at the airport duty free so you don’t run into any issues with customs.
If you like coffee, definitely order a koffie verkeerd — it’s basically a dutch cafe au lait but so much better.
And do go out to eat once in a while — Amsterdam has some really great restaurants. Some ideas: Blauw aan de Wal, Bird, Wagamama (technically an English chain but sooooooo good), In de Waag. There was also some really old, old restaurant on weird angled corner that I can’t remember the name of that had the most delicious dessert option called something like The Grand Dessert and it was just a three tier platter with a bunch of little cakes and chocolates — if you see that somewhere, get it.
Oh, and not that there’s anything wrong with either, but coffee shops = pot, coffee huis = actual coffee (although you can get coffee at the shops, too, of course).
k-padi
Wow! Thanks AIMS!
AIMS
:)
I forgot to add, Schiphol airport has amazing shopping, so on the way back build in some time to browse around. Enjoy your trip!
Ellen
I would like to see these museum’s also, but dad says I can NOT spend money to travel as long as I keep buying clothe’s. FOOEY! I would like to buy clothe’s to travel in, but he say’s I have to many clothes already.
I could not post today at work b/c Frank spilled coffee on my computer when he was leaning over me lookeing down my blouse. I realy got mad b/c he did NOT need to be leaning over me to begin with, especialy with coffee that he spilled over the lap top.
The manageing partner had to call the teck guy to come see what he could do and he did NOTHING other then stare at the screen, then at me, then at my boobie’s and then back at the screen. He suggested that we get a hair dryer and blow dry the lap top and then put rice on it over nite to dry out. I said that was dumb b/c it was wet INSIDE the lap top from Frank’s coffee.
The manageing partner said that I probabely need a new computer anyway, and that after we move to the new place, he was going to replace all computer’s with HP Ultrabook’s. I said why dont we just all get MacBook’s and he said they were to expensive. I told him I had a Macbook air at home but not everything worked with the office so we should all have the same thing, and he said he was NOT willing to spend $2000 per person when his freind at HP said he could do it for about $800 per person. I told him I did NOT like window’s and my dad suggested in his business recomendation’s that the firm go MAC with Macbook Pro’s or Desktop Mac’s. The manageing partner did NOT agree with Dad, even tho dad has alot of teck experience from the milatary.
I did next to nothing at work today, b/c my computer had coffee all over it and in it and we could NOT get it to turn on again b/c it was soaked. The teck guy said he could mabye transfer my files to a new machine after it dried out, but we have NO new machine to transfer it to!!!! FOOEY b/c I have case’s that are on my drive that I have to make motion’s for next week. Roberta and the Supermarkit Guy’s need to know that I will have to ask for a CONTINUEANCE in their cases. I supose that is OK, b/c the manageing partner is willing to sign an affidavid stating same and have Frank co-sign, b/c it was HIS coffee that ruined my computer — all b/c he was stareing at my boobies! FOOEY. I will have to wear turtelneck’s from now on, now that it is getteing cold out.
I think that the teck guy will tell the manageing partner to get me a lease computer for now until we get new computer’s in December. The teck guy now want’s to date me also, but he is kind of gross.
k-padi
Thanks! I am sad to miss the Keukenhof–but I have family there now so I might just be back in the spring.
January
Congrats! That sounds like an amazing trip.
Famouscait
I studied abroad in the Netherlands in college, so I’m pretty familiar with Amsterdam. You’ve gotten some great recommendations here already, so I’ll just throw in a few more:
I’ve done Anne Frank’s house twice, and loved it once. Then, it was quiet, everyone was respectful, like you’d find at the Vietnam Wall or another memorial. The other time had a large school group running through and being noisy. Maybe ask the museum when their quietest hours are for visitors? But I think it’s worth a visit either way.
I don’t recall if you’re a lawyer, but the Hague is just a short train ride away. Sadly (for you) Vermeer’s “Girl with a Pearl Earring” has made a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the High Museum of Art in Atlanta. But, it sounds like maybe you’ll be back, and if so, I would definitely go see her.
Keukenhof Gardens looks like what I think heaven will look like. Plan a trip to go there when you can!!
Other than that, walk around and get lost in all the canals and labyrinthine streets Enjoy!
anon
I love Amsterdam! IMO it’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Quite small and very walkable, so perfect for just roaming around.
The Keukenhof is a must if you go in the spring. The van Gogh museum is fabulous – even if you are not an art lover. It is manageable in size, and the exhibits are so well done that you really get to learn about and appreciate the paintings without feeling overwhelmed. Seriously one of my favorite museums anywhere. The Rijksmuseum is definitely worth a visit too. The Anne Frank house is very moving. I was there over 20 years ago and the experience has always stayed with me. Canal tours are totally touristy, but really great – a different way to see the city, and so beautiful and unique to Amsterdam. Oh, and definitely check out the red light district – it wasn’t at all what I’d expected.
Almost everyone speaks some English, and if you ask many of the restaurants will have menus in English as well as Dutch. Enjoy!
Lyra Silvertongue
One of my favorite museums in the world is the Resistance Museum, chronicling Dutch resilience and Resistance efforts during WWII. Very moving. The Biblical Museum was also very interesting (I realize I’ve just outed myself as a huge history and theology nerd). I believe Amsterdam has the highest number of museums of any city in the world, though I can’t remember where I read that, so you really can’t go wrong.
Kontraktor
CONGRATS on new job!!!
ral
Congrats on the new job! Try the Keukenhof gardens, the Aalsmeer Flower Auction (florist’s equivalent of the NYSE), rent a bike to ride thru the Dutch tulip fields, canal tours and Anne Frank museum. Have a great time!
Anon for this
Help me hive mind! I am an EA, and have just received an invitation to a party at the home of one of the executives I support. The party is from 5 – 7 PM on a Saturday in mid-October, and my husband is also invited. The invitation says “casual”. I have no idea who else will be at the party. I am in the DC area. I have some ideas on what to wear, but would like to hear what you would wear, just to see if I am totally off base…
abogada
I might lean towards a smart casual look with dark wash jeans, heels or boots, and a nice blouse, sweater, and/or jacket. Or maybe a dress, something not too formal, not too obviously a work dress, and not super casual (I know that’s not too descriptive).
Ashley
From what I have read elsewhere of DC, what abogada described would be perfect. You would not be over dressed, but still polished and in keeping with A. That it is a business function (these are people you work with) and B. Apropos of your position.
Anon for this
Thank you both – this confirms where I was going outfit-wise.
lucy stone
This sounds perfect. I’d go with dressy jeans, nice blouse or sweater, and cute shoes.
Ella
Just started online dating for the first time ever. I am trying not to feel totally rejected by the whole thing. Any tips for maximizing the experience?
I feel like I need to just get over my fears and email people first that I am interested in (because I am paying to meet people, right?), but it’s so scary.
Ainsley
Good for you for signing up! A friend described online dating to me as both the worst and best bar ever — there are all kinds of men, and some will be great while others will be awful. Don’t go into it expecting to connect with everyone, but why not take chances and email everyone who looks interesting?
k-padi
Online dating is tough but it can be very fun. If you’ve been on the site and aren’t getting any messages, have a friend look at your profile. It’s hard to recognize what might be turning men away. Do you have any pictures posted? I think 3 is the “minimum” and more is better. I tended to write too much in my profile so I cut down the text by about half, then by half again.
Yes! Email guys first! I didn’t get many responses but I did go on a few dates with guys where I was the initiator. Those guys all forgot I initiated!
Ella
Yeah, I need more pictures. I am not a picture-taking sort of person so don’t have a million photos around of me to choose from and have felt ridiculous taking pictures for the sake of posting them, but I think I am going to have to get over it.
Merabella
Have a friend take pictures of you. I also think that having a friend look over your profile is a great idea. It is so hard to talk about yourself without feeling silly – they know you and love you and can point out all your good points.
Houston Attny
Keep in mind you don’t have to look perfect and fabulous in every one of them. It’s ok to have some random snapshots of you on game day or with your nephew or with less make up than you usually wear. The number one thing I’ve heard about online dating is that so often, people do not look like their pictures. It’s OK to look natural, even if you can’t stop giggling because your one of your friends is taking your picture with his/her dog or whatever for the sole sake of posting it.
Anon
Keep an open mind – be generous with first and second dates and stingy with third and fourth dates. Try not to take it all too seriously – rejection by someone who doesn’t even know you is pretty meaningless.
Take a break if it gets overwhelming.
Get to the first meeting right away. Endless emailing/texting/phone calls don’t get you anywhere. If someone makes it difficult to meet up relatively soon, assume they are either too busy for a relationship or married. Or both.
Good luck!
–Met the hubs on Match
Small Town
To jump off this question- has anyone done online dating in a smaller city or town with not a huge pool? I’m worried I’ll just keep getting matched with people I went to high school with, and it being embarassing somehow, or that there just won’t be enough matches at all.
Veronique
I tried online dating in a smaller city and, in my experience, eventually there just aren’t enough new people, even factoring in nearby towns/cities. It didn’t help that the area has major brain drain, so there were very few young professionals in general. I eventually met someone offline at a networking event.
January
I’m trying that now. I have not been matched with any high school classmates or co-workers, surprisingly, but I am getting a lot of matches who live further away, which is less than thrilling.
As to the OP, yes, go ahead and contact guys who look interesting to you, and don’t take it personally if they don’t respond. It is only an e-mail (or a wink, or whatever) to a person you’ve never met and you might never see in your life. One of the good things about online dating is that the stakes can actually be very low, if you approach it that way. Good luck, have fun, and post pictures! Get a friend to take some of you if you don’t have enough photos.
Match
I have online dated in my city where everybody knows everybody and yeah, it’s awkward when you keep seeing people you know (and don’t want to date, or have already dated, or whose reputation you are familiar with) in your list of “matches.” I had to tell myself to just get over the embarrassment. Haven’t met anyone yet.
LizNYC
I did online dating (and met my DH that way six months in). I’m completely Type A, so anytime I’d get new matches, I’d check each one over. Anyone who seemed remotely interesting, I’d start a convo with (I used eHarmony, which starts off with scripted questions, then you progress to “real” communication). If the person didn’t reply, I just moved on. People who replied, I’d then continue on with. Yes, I obsessed (hello, Type A), but I thought it was a good way to meet people, since my social group was all paired off.
To not be scared? Just keep in mind that your contacts are probably scared about the whole thing too. And keep your expectations low, especially when you start dating. It’s not “I’m about to meet my soul mate, so the stars must align!!!” but “I’ll consider this date a success if conversation is easy and I don’t spill spaghetti down the front of me.”
k-padi
“I’ll consider this date a success if conversation is easy and I don’t spill spaghetti down the front of me.”
This. Times 10.
preg 3L
Just wanted to update in case anyone remembers my request for recommendations for an OB. I found a new one and just had my first appointment with her yesterday — and she’s fantastic! She was just so nice, so thorough, gave me a bunch of great info without too much fear mongering. So, thanks all for the encouragement about switching docs!
NYNY
I’m meeting with my organization’s CFO tomorrow for my third (and final) interview for a promotion. I would be taking on an existing role which I’m well-suited for, and an additional responsibility, which I’m currently handling, has been added to the job description. There is one other finalist candidate, who comes from an outside organization.
I think I’m perfect for the position, but I’m not sure how to sell it to the CFO. I’m going to have to read his signals, because sometimes he’s willing to dive into the details, and sometimes he just wants the overview. I’m trying to think of the best way to say that I would be able to jump into the role because of my familiarity with the subject matter and with our quite complex institution. I will have to learn how to use some software, but I’m a quick study and familiar with other applications within the system.
I think my main problem is that I tend to work hard and expect the results to speak for themselves, so when I have to talk myself up, I don’t know what to say. Advice?
TBK
I think you say “I would be able to jump into the role because of my familiarity with the subject matter and with our quite complex institution. I will have to learn how to use some software, but I’m a quick study and familiar with other applications within the system.”
Ashley
You are definitely on the right track. Try to quantify how you will fit the role.
I can reduce costs by _________. I can perform X function efficiently because __________, I have a sound understanding of __________ procedures, policies, culture and give examples to support what you mean.
You say you are a quick study in picking up new things? Great! Tell him about when you have done this in the past and the result.
Think about it from the other side: what kind of person do you think the CFO wants (needs) in the position and craft your responses framed with that in mind. Do you best to give him solid evidence of why you are the best fit.
Famouscait
No new advice to what you’ve gotten already, but I can commiserate. I recently got a big promotion at work (starting Monday!), and I ran into a soon-to-be colleague the other day whom I had interviewed with (in a group setting). He told me how glad he was that I got the job, blah, blah, and then he said he could tell, in a positive way, “how hungry you were for the job!” I think I blushed, because it is not in my nature to “sell” my skills and accomplishments, but I wouldn’t have gotten that role if I hadn’t done that. Be factual about what you have accomplished (per Ashley’s comment at 3:45pm) and specific about how you’d do things in the future to be successful. Best of luck!!!
NYNY
Thank you all – this helps me focus on what to say. I have a very recent example of jumping into a big hairy problem and conquering a system with no training whatsoever, which he’s very aware of. I’ll be sure to point it out.
And congratulations on your promotion, Famouscait!
meme
Has anyone tried the Jcrew Factory double-serge wool pencil skirts? I love the No. 2 pencil skirts and have a bunch of them, but this factory one comes in some fun colors that aren’t available in the No. 2 right now. I know the hem is slightly shorter (but it comes in tall, so slightly longer actually!), and the fabric says wool/viscose without disclosing percentages. I would greatly appreciate hearing opinions from anyone who has seen or tried these. Thanks!
anooooon
haven’t tried them before, but I ordered one with the discount code today (the awesome burgandy color). so, I cannot answer your question and am not actually helpful, but I agree about the colors!
Wildkitten
I have it in cotton and I absolutely hate it. It wrinkles like crazy. I don’t know if the wool fixes the wrinkling.
Equity's Darling
I love it in the wool. I’m meh on the No.2 in 120s (I find they get a little streched out for my taste during the day), and I hate it in cotton (wrinkle-city!), but the wool is fantastic- more structured than the 120s, so it doesn’t stretch out, and very few wrinkles. A winter staple for me.
I only have it in the acorn, and I’d order it in another colour. Maybe it’s worth ordering in the gray? I’d prefer a burgundy though..hmm.
Anon in NYC
I just decided last week that I’m getting rid of my 3 No. 2’s in cotton because the only time they look good are for the first 15 minutes after I put them on. After that they stretch and wrinkle horrendously. I just ordered two in the wool, so I have my fingers crossed that they work! I love the shape (better for me than The Skirt), but the cotton ones just didn’t hold up for me.
AIMS
I also have it in the wool and love, love, love. I bought one last year in a bright periwinkle color and am eyeing the burgundy this year. I don’t have the JCrew No. 2 skirts so can’t compare, but I have a dress in wool from reg JCrew and I must say I like the Factory wool better. A lot of factory items can be hit or miss, but this one really works for me.
Gus
Agreed. I love, love, love the skirt in the double serge wool. I bought a black one last winter and wore it incessantly. Then I bought a cotton one (in orange) for the summer and was so disappointed with how badly it wrinkled. I’ll be buying more in the wool now that it’s getting cool again. Just so you know what to expect, the wool is pretty heavy — thicker than a wool suiting material. So it’s a little more casual than a wool suit skirt. But still dressy enough even for a relatively formal business office as long as you think about what you pair it with. I’ll do a twin set for more casual, or a heavier weight jacket (like a boucle) to dress it up.
meme
While we’re on the topic of Jcrew skirts, and they’re having a great sale (free shipping is today only), I’ll throw it out there that I have the telegraph pencil skirt in super 120s in two colors, and I love it. The length is 27″, and I love that long and lean silhouette. The super 120s seems like a typical wool suiting fabric to me – not particularly thick, but the skirts are lined and I wear them all summer, while the double-serge wool No.2s are not so good for hot weather. I have a pretty “athletic” build (not curvy) and I find them very flattering.
Flying Squirrel
Hawaii (Kauai) Threadjack:
We’re planning our last pre-baby vacation and have settled on Kauai (already have the tickets). But we haven’t yet booked a hotel. I’m reading good things about the Koa Kea Hotel and Resort in Poipu, but I also have heard that the prettiest part of the island is Hanalei Bay. The best option there seems to be the St. Regis Princeville, but it’s really pricey (trying to figure out if it’s worth it) Any thoughts or suggestions? We’re willing to splurge on this, so absolute cost isn’t a huge issue…but we don’t want to feel like we didn’t get value for our money (if that makes sense).
My inclination is to choose a hotel with direct beach access which really limits our selection, but I also haven’t been to Hawaii since I was 4 yrs old. Maybe it’s not such a big deal?
Baconpancakes
No recs, but I noticed you didn’t call it a “babymoon.” ;-)
meme
When are you going? I agree that the north side of the island is the prettiest/greenest (but also rainiest), but the beaches can be treacherous for swimming and snorkeling during N. American winter. The south side of the island is opposite – calm water in winter and strong tides/waves in summer. Poipu is quite beautiful too. I always rent a car in Kauai because the whole island is amazing and explorable and I would not want to be stuck at a resort or in any one area. I have never spent that much time at the hotel beach because the island has so many mind-blowing beaches, we always wanted to check them all out rather than staying at one. For that reason, for me it is not important for the hotel to have beach access.
Before you book a hotel, I recommend getting The Ultimate Kauai Guidebook (with the blue cover). It was written by a long-time Kauai resident, it covers everything (including all the hotels and seasonal considerations) and we found their recommendations to be spot on.
Flying Squirrel
Thanks for your recs. We’re going in mid-October, so not sure whether that will be more winter weather than summer. As you can see from that timeframe, we need to settle this soon!
meme
We went in mid-October a few years ago, and it was awesome. You’re right on the cusp of “winter” starting (the weather doesn’t really change that much except the dangerous tides/waves switch from one side of the island to the other). We had some days where we were fine to snorkel and swim at the northern beaches, and some where it was too treacherous. We just watched the daily reports carefully, and spent the other days on the south side. In mid-October you may still be able to take a boat tour of the Napali coast from the north side of the island – you absolutely want to do this. You see the most beautiful parts from the north, and you won’t see as much if you come from the south-side tour. I would say you must get yourself to amazon right now and order the guidebook for 1 or 2-day shipping and start reading up. The Napali coast boat tours need to be booked in advance to ensure you get a spot, and the book will tell you which companies are best to use.
Have fun. I’m jealous.
Maggie
+1 on the Ultimate Kauai Guidebook, I always recommend the Hawaii Revealed series to friends.
I did the Napali Coast boat ride (from the south side) in the winter and it was beautiful going out but we ended up not being able to snorkel and the ride back was really rough, though it was absolutely still worth it! We also did a bit of the hike in from the north side so we got to see both sides that way, though we only hiked a couple miles in.
My family has also found great places to stay there using VRBO, if you are open to options other than a hotel.
NYNY
I love Kauai! I have family in Koloa, near Poipu, so that’s where we stay. But the island is small and easy to get around. If you’re super-pregnant and just want to have an easy beach vacation, I would say south shore. If you’re still up for boat tours, hiking, snorkeling, and the like, you may be more north-shore oriented.
St. Regis
I just got back from Kauai and stayed at the St. Regis. It is a beautiful hotel, and the beach near there is very pretty. It is the only hotel in Princeville/Hanelai with direct beach access. I think it would be super annoying to have to trek somewhere and haul things to go to the beach, and the pool is really not the same. If you can afford it, I say go for it.
The weather is slightly worse in that part of the island — It was over cast for 2 of the 7 days we were there. Poipu is sunnier, but less beautiful.
KinCA
We spent 4 nights at the St. Regis Princeville last February, and I cannot recommend it enough. Yes, it’s an arm and a leg, but it’s probably one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been.
The spa is also incredible there, and the service is also top notch. Even if you don’t stay there, go have a drink there & watch the sunset on the balcony off their main bar – it’s stunning.
We also spent some time on the south side of the island, but enjoyed our time on the north shore at the St. Regis much more.
Aloha
I lived on Kauai for 3 years on the West side sandwiched between Kekaha and the south end of the NaPali Coast. Poipu is my favorite spot to stay and I enjoy the Hyatt. North Shore (St Regis) is wetter and water is rougher. It’s easy to drive everywhere so rent a car. I’m heading to Kona in mid-October so I’m in Hawaii mode already too!!! Breakfast at the Kokee Lodge at the top of the Waimea Canyon is awesome. Try the macadamia nut pancakes. And ask for their cornbread recipe. It’s amazing. Go to Hanapepe for Lappert’s ice cream. Divine. And a helicopter tour will show you all the island highlights in a way you could never imagine – so cool.
Veronique
Reposting from earlier: Does anyone have recommendations for a good tailor in Atlanta? Thanks!
anon
I’ve used the dry cleaner in Loehmann’s plaza. They were great a couple of times, terrible a couple of times. And very expensive. So yeah, depends on if you’re willing to risk it. I used them for shortening sleeves, pants, and skirts for suits.
Rose in Bloom
Any area in particular? I typically go to El’ Gant (I believe it is spelled exactly like that) on the corner of Monroe and Piedmont in Midtown. They always do a great job.
Veronique
Thanks! I’m definitely looking for somewhere ITP, preferably centrally located in downtown, midtown, Buckhead, etc.
Anonymous
Diamond in Toco Hills is good. I’ve heard good things about El’Gant too.
Anon with Sweaty Feet
Does anyone else prefer to wear socks to work? Please recommend some professional-looking shoes – preferably 2 to 3″ height – that you can wear with trouser socks and work pants! I love my stacked-heel loafers but they are giving out on me. I don’t like wearing boots to work because I find them constrictive, and shoes that are moccasin-like look too masculine and don’t give me any height!
Thanks!!!
tesyaa
I love Donald J Pliner shoes and he used to show a lot of wedges. Pricy but super comfortable and durable, so worth it.
Anonymous
Anyone who’s ordered from Jones New York in the past – how true to size do their items fit? Size up or down?
Anon
Jones runs a bit big – maybe similar to Talbot’s? Size down.
Gus
Agreed, size down. Sizing is like Talbots or current Ann Taylor (meaning Ann Taylor since vanity sizing hit).
Godzilla
I found Jones New York to be tts but not or my body shape (being a monster is tough).
Godzilla
*for my body shape.
PHX
But you have such delicate wrists!
Jules
Maybe a little big but their sizing is inconsistent, so you might want to order a couple of sizes to try. I’m wearing a JNY silk/cotton blouse right now in size L; it fits great, maybe a tiny bit loose. (I’m a busty 12-14, usually an XL in tops.) The XL of this shirt was absolutely enormous, to the point of being clownish. So when I saw a great a JNY faux wrap/surplice dress on 6 pm I ordered it in L, but it was obscenely tight across the chest and has to go back.
Marie Curie
I like the color!
Sad TJ:
Went to wash my hands just now and noticed I had left out my contact lenses and they had dried out. They were monthly and on their third day :(
tesyaa
Can’t they be rehydrated in saline or whatever solution you use? This happens to me all the time.
mascot
Yeah, try re-hydrating them in saline. It sometimes works for me. Your lenses may be less comfortable though.
Marie Curie
Thanks for the suggestion, I didn’t even think of that! (this is not sarcasm, I swear) Unfortunately they were stuck to the container and tore when I pulled them off, so it was too late.
Batgirl
Guys, I need help. My boyfriend and I are moving in together next month. He’s suggesting I move into his place so we can save money–it’s definitely small for two people but it would save us at least $500-600 a month for the year or so that we would probably live there. The alternative is to get a new place that we could see ourselves staying in a bit longer but which would cost us the aforementioned extra $500-600 a month and a broker’s fee (this is NYC after all).
The twist: for reasons relating to some fertility issues my doctor identified, we’ll probably be trying to have a child in about six months’ time. (The plan is to get engaged by then, do a city hall wedding pre-baby, and a big wedding post-baby. We’re both 34 now.).
Do we scrimp and save in a tiny apartment now and then move once I’m (hopefully) pregnant in about a year or do we suck it up and pay a bit extra now to be a bit more settled pre-baby?
Even if we got the bigger place now, we’d probably want to upgrade to a two bedroom by the time the baby was 1 or 1.5 years old.
Thanks for any advice you can give–I figured some of you might know more about the kinds of expenses involved with babies and when moving is best in this context. Would we regret living in a tiny place for our first time living together (while dealing with these fertility pressures to boot) or would we regret not saving the money while we could since we’ll probably have a better idea of what we need once we’re actually pregnant? Also, what if it takes me a while to get pregnant and then we’ve been throwing money away on a bigger place?
Lia
Oh god, I think more space as a couple is always worth it in NYC if you can afford it (since let’s face it, a larger apartment is still a small amount of space). All of my friends who squeezed into tiny apartments as couples were SO much happier as soon as they moved for more space.
Merabella
Save, Save, Save. Especially if you are planning on having a baby/wedding – and even then, if it were me, I’d skip the wedding and buy a nicer/bigger place instead. I had the traditional wedding to make my mom happy, but if I had to do it again I’d probably stick to city hall and buy a house with the cash instead.
Niktaw
This.
And I would hold off the move until you are actually pregnant or even after the baby is born, if this would save $$ and allow you to get a bigger/better place.
Maddie Ross
If it were not NYC, I would say go small and save, but since I’m not in NYC, I think my definition of small is probably very different from yours. I will mention though, as the mother of a fairly new little one, while you can definitely go overboard with baby “stuff,” they really do not take up all that much space when they are really little. You might be able to do the trying + gestating + first year or so all in the current place and really save $.
Anonymous
Sorry, accidentally clicked “report”. Anyways, I think you should save. People can live in a lot smaller space than they think and I don’t think you’ll ever regret saving that money. My sister just gave birth about a month ago and she spent around 7K getting ready for a baby, but she bought more expensive stuff. I think the common figure is that you will spend 10k during a child’s first year of life factoring all the stuff they need, diapers, possible formula, and healthcare expenses.
Batgirl
I should add that the smaller apartment choice is DEFINITELY not big enough for a baby. It’d be a tight squeeze for the two of us. The bedroom is big for NYC standards (say 20’x15′) but the living room is very small (10’x10′) with a small galley kitchen off of it. We couldn’t flip the two for reasons that are hard to explain without seeing the apartment, but it’d be almost impossible.
AIMS
I actually think it’s easier to have the baby in that set up than if it were reversed. You can put a small crib in the bedroom and keep the baby stuff there, whereas if you had it reversed you wouldn’t be able to fit the crib in a small bedroom. It’s definitely easier to sleep with the baby in your room and keeping the living room to yourself for all the times baby will be sleeping. All the baby needs for the first 6 months in the living room is a small bouncer that you can move place to place and maybe a blanket on the floor, which you can always move, too. My friends did ~ 8 months in this sort of set up and it worked for them (and they didn’t even bother with the crib because they did co-sleeping).
Batgirl
I honestly can’t see having a baby with the living room that small–maybe I’m overstating the size. Maybe it’s more like 8×8. But point taken about the bedroom. I’d actually think this bedroom was fine for a crib.
preg 3L
Yeah I meant to emphasize that your baby will need to sleep in your bedroom (from what I hear) for the first 3-6 months, so your bf’s apartment sounds great.
preg 3L
+1. We’re in NYC and your apartment sounds perfect. I think your needs will change so much post-baby that it’s worth squeezing in together now. Also, smaller space = issues will surface more quickly. The transition will be challenging (I say as someone who lived in a studio with my now-DH when we were first dating), but now, I’m glad for that time squeezed together. It will be so temporary (max 2 years, right?) that I think it’s worth it..
R
I have no idea about NYC, but as a mom of a 5-month-old, wanted to agree on babies taking up very little space at first. They don’t even play with toys until 4-5 months.
My baby sleeps in a Rock-N-Play, and we set out a blanket on the floor for her to roll around on (and that’s where we change her most of the time too). We have a swing and a bouncer, but could easily do with just the Snugabunny thing if we had to. You just need a little storage for clothes, diapers, bottles, and various first aid/medicine, and you’re set.
In House Lobbyist
Check out a mini-crib. They look like cribs but are the same size as a pack n play. Our son slept in it until he was 2 even though our mothers were convinced he would outgrow it by 6 months. They are a lot cheaper too.
NYNY
Are you talking studio small, or one-bedroom small? That really makes all the difference. If you can be in separate rooms in the small apartment without resorting to the bathroom, then save for now. But if you would have to leave the apartment to get away from each other, I think you’re 5-10 years too old to live together in a studio. Everyone needs some alone time sometimes.
Batgirl
It’s a one bedroom in Brooklyn–bedroom is big, living room is very small, but do-able. Neighborhood is also great and he’s month-to-month so we could always jump on something if it appeared.
But to be honest, it’s kind of hard to deal with this much change at once–I feel like I’m already giving up a traditional engagement and wedding and it’s hard to accept giving up the excitement of moving into a nice place together. I’m a big girl, though, and I can accept all of that–I’d be happy to just be able to have a child together. The rest is just gravy, as they say.
Wildkitten
I share a studio with my bf. (No babies). We have a walk in closet that makes all the difference in the world that we can at least go somewhere else and close the door. Closed doors make happy relationships. Having a door to close in the one bedroom is huge, but having a bigger one bedroom is not so big of a deal. I also highly recommend Bose Noise Canceling headphones. You’ll pay for two pairs in one month of the small apartment, and it allows you to go in some place without a door, like the kitchen, without driving each other nuts.
Being comfortable to pay for the baby-expenses is much more important than the traditional engagement/wedding/apartment. You’re ready to move to the serious step of starting a family, which I think means you can skip the silly step of a fancy wedding for one day.
AIMS
I refuse to pay a broker’s fee in NYC on principle. So far, I’ve managed to avoid it and still find good apartments. If your bigger place is only for 1-2 years anyway, 15% of a years rent is a lot of money to spend on a place you’ll only stay in for a short time (and if you are set on using a broker, it’s better to save that cost for when you move with baby since your schedule will be a LOT less flexible then & you will need more help). My basic thinking is it’s only worth it if someone else’s is paying it (e.g., relocation package) or you are getting some amazing deal on the apartment (you probably won’t be in this market) or, maybe, you are planning to stay there a long time. There are a lot of management companies and buildings you can rent from directly – I’d see what turns up that way and if you find something you love that’s is not unreasonably more, go for it. If you don’t, stay in his place.
Batgirl
I would LOVE to not pay a broker’s fee, but I’ve never managed to get away without paying one unless I was taking over a friend’s place. And I’ve found that most of the places that have managing companies tend to be luxury apartments out of our price range. But it’s a good way to frame the debate–if we can find something without a fee it could be worth it, etc.
AIMS
You may want to stay in BK, but if you’re thinking of Manhattan City & Suburban is a management company with non-luxury listings. Also, Sky Management, Bettina Equities, Argo (or ARCO?), Glenwood (although this one is more lux). Another tip: talk to building supers & doormen. They often know first when an apartment is going to be available. And don’t rule out Craig’s List & the Sunday NYT. You can search CL by ‘no broker’ filter. We found our last apartment on CL and even though most of what was there was terrible I’m so glad we stuck with it.
Batgirl
Thanks SO much–this is so helpful! A third option I’m considering (that just dawned on me) is to find a place that costs a bit more than his, but less than we’d planned to spend and then stay until the baby is 2. Thanks!
hoola hoopa
If you move now and then move again when baby is 1-1.5, that’s two moves in three years? I’d stay where you are to save up to buy the 2-bd earlier and just do one move.
Batgirl
Well, I’ll be moving either way since we aren’t living together right now. We’d been waiting for my lease to end and my place isn’t a good option.
So two options:
1) I move into his place now, we both move in a year when I’m (God willing) pregnant (too small of a place for a baby, that’d be insane); or
2) we both move now but into a place that we could stay in until the baby is about one (so 2-3 years depending on how long it takes).
Carrie Preston
I’ll jump in & say move somewhere new if you can afford it. I have no idea what you guys make, but it doesn’t sound like you’re talking about a ton more per month for a bigger place & my thoughts are:
– two living together already creates savings opportunities (groceries are cheaper, power is cheaper, utilities are cheaper — all b/c adding one more person into the mix doesn’t double those bills)
– it’s *hard* to live with a SO in small space
– when you have a baby, you’ll want more room & you might not have the time or energy to look for something new at that point.
– you can always find other ways to save or make more money.
L
Save the money. If you are going to have a baby you’re going to need cash. From what I hear at least, a good deal of fertility treatments aren’t necessarily covered by insurance. Besides, what you want after you have a kid may change from what you want now. Live with it for awhile.
Anon in NYC
I would save. A broker fee in NYC can be something like 15% of your annual rent, and you won’t want to have to pay that twice (once now and once when you move again when the baby is 1). Unless your SO’s apartment is really, really small, I think you could make it work. Worst case scenario, you live in his place for 1-2 years and then move when the baby is born straight into a 2 bedroom.
I’ve lived with my DH in places as small as 550 square feet, and our current apartment is around 630 sq ft. Although there isn’t a lot of room, it’s really not unbearable. We’ve invested in closet and organization systems. If one of us needs some space, someone just goes into the other room. You have to think about your and your SO’s personalities and if you (and all your stuff) could work in his apartment.
Batgirl
We never really get in each other’s hair or fight–but I do like to have things organized and have storage space. I’m starting to realize his place is probably the best idea.
AIMS
What if you just put some money towards a closet organizational system from the Container Store or paint the walls a new, fresh color — basically something to make it feel like a new, joint apartment and not just you moving into his space.
Batgirl
That’s another thing I’m worried about–him feeling like I’m taking over the apartment and me feeling like it’s not really my home. Right now it’s the typical guy disaster area–we’d need to redo everything to make it liveable (even he admits that).
Anon in NYC
I agree with this. Figure out a way to make it a new joint space. And I love love love the Elfa organizational systems from the Container Store. We can fit so much stuff in our tiny apartment because we use their systems, and we use them in semi-unconventional ways (like, converting otherwise unusable wall space into storage for kitchen gear that wouldn’t fit in our galley kitchen).
TBK
There are much cheaper options than Elfa, though, that do the same thing.
Sydney Bristow
I totally understand the odd feeling when one person moves into the other’s existing place. I moved into my boyfriend’s apartment in NYC, but mainly because it was perfect for us and in a great neighborhood. We still had that awkward feeling of invading/being taken over. We talked about it a lot because I didn’t own a lot of stuff and he felt like I wasn’t making a mark on the space, which meant it didn’t feel like “ours.” We’ve been slowly buying things together and are decorating 1 room at a time. He actually really cares a lot about the decor so it was challenging at times, but the apartment definitely feels like ours now. We’ve bought curtains that we chose together, I picked a wall hanging that he then said he liked, etc. We’ve also rearranged some furniture and have had guests over many times. All of these things helped it feel like our space and transform from just being his space. I think talking openly about the potentially weird feelings and working together to arrange/decorate/buy new items (to whatever level either of you is interested in the aesthetic outcome) is key.
Congrats on all the upcoming changes! Very exciting!
Anonymous
I think saving is really important, that is the way I would lean. One comment on your “big wedding later” comment though- you only get one wedding, its the day you become husband and wife. If you do it at city hall, that is your wedding day. I think city hall weddings are beautiful and romantic! But I hate when some people think they can “re do” it later with the white dress, ceremony, first dance, I now pronounce you husband and wife and all that. A friend is doing that right now and its so painful 1) watching my other friends buy bridemaids dresses for a woman who has been a wife for over a year now, and 2) hear everyone talk about how weird it is that they are trying to “redo” the wedding.
But I totally support a big party later down the road. It just won’t be a wedding. But once you have a child, you might realize you don’t want to spend money on all that stuff anyway!
Batgirl
I don’t know if I agree with that. I think it depends on how you do it. If we did it at city hall, it’d be just us and one witness–like eloping.
Batgirl
I should also add that I’m not really emotionally ready to give up on the idea of getting to have a wedding. When I say “big” I mean more than a formality in front of a judge, not big in size. I didn’t want to say “real” because I don’t want to offend people who’ve done nontraditional weddings–I just don’t want to feel like it’s a wedding or a baby just yet.
cc
I think you should definately have a party to celebrate- just don’t do the whole white dress blushing bride, I finally get to marry the man of my dreams whole thing. I don’t think getting married is a formality at all- you’ll be vowing to be married which is huge. You still get a wedding- its the part where you get married. What you don’t get is the big party, but that’s a choice you guys made as a couple for whats best for you as a family, so nothing to feel bad about.
Batgirl
Okay, well, I’m not really looking to justify my choices about the wedding part. I just wanted input on the apartment plan. I haven’t thought through that part at all yet–I just wanted to emphasize that we are definitely committing to one another before having a child. We may just not have the luxury of having the wedding we want prior to the baby arriving.
Anonymous
Right. When you elope you don’t redo the wedding. You elope. And your married! Which is the important part. If you reanact it the ceremony it is really weird. You can only have one wedding, unless you get divorced and remarried obviously.
TBK
Yeah, I don’t agree on the “you can’t re-do the wedding.” I recently went to a wedding where the couple had been previously married at city hall (for legal reasons) but didn’t consider themselves to be “married” until their friends and family had witnessed their vows. I feel that the difference between being married and living together is that you invite the community into your marriage — the government, your religion, your family, your friends — and ask them to help you make this whole lifelong committment thing work. So I feel like it’s totally appropriate to have a party later on and make your community a part of your marriage.
Batgirl
This is how I feel about it, too–thanks!
Anonymous
Agree to disagree I guess. If having the community witness their wedding was important to them, they should have invited them to the wedding. I just think when people redo it, what they really want is the “special day.” Its important for my community to be at my wedding too, which is why I waited to get married. If it was more important to be married, I would have done that. If you are taking advantage of the legal and government benefits, I think that you don’t get to do over the vows when it suits you. It just seems weird to stand in front of people and say your vows when you have already been married. But I’m sure other people feel differently. I do know a lot of people who find the redoes really insulting and won’t attend, but if your nearest and dearest are ok with it then it works.
mascot
We recently went to a renewal ceremony that seemed much more like a traditional wedding ceremony. It was lovely. The couple had been married for 5 years (city hall wedding) and were finally at a place in their lives finacially and geographically to do a bigger party.
Flying Squirrel
This. I have a friend who got married at city hall soon after getting engaged (for health insurance after they were going to move for one of their jobs), but as one of the few people who knew that even I didn’t consider them married. A lot of it depends on what marriage means to you. I mean, if you’re religious, then there’s no way a city hall ceremony can replace the religious on. And even if you’re not, I think there’s a big difference between the legal and the social institutions of marriage. While both of those happened for me on the same day, signing the license didn’t really mean much to me. Standing up in front of everyone I love and care about (including the people who brought me into this world and raised me up in it) to say to everyone that DH is now my family and I commit to him (and everyone here) that I’m going to do everything in my power to keep it that way…that’s what getting married meant to me. Notably, that part wasn’t as important to DH. For him, it was about when the two of us committed to each other. Marriage is just a really personal thing…and if a city hall ceremony isn’t sufficient to make you feel married, that totally makes sense. No need to defend that choice.
MaggieLizer
Agreed, TBK said it better than I could have. Batgirl, your plan seems lovely, romantic, and practical. A wedding is to celebrate your union; it doesn’t matter when or if the papers were signed.
Flying Squirrel
I should add that I definitely think that the legal protections the marriage license affords are convenient…and that it’s total cr*p that so many people in this country aren’t allowed those benefits. But legal protections aren’t the same as the cultural/religious/social institution. For me, the latter is pretty much unbreakable, but the former is clearly not.
Batgirl
@Flying Squirrel–thanks so much for this.
Orangerie
I don’t think that’s completely fair. A friend of mine recently moved abroad with her fiance through an opportunity with his company. They were already engaged before the move was even an option, and due to issues her obtaining a visa decided to do a small city hall ceremony before leaving the country, and continue planning a wedding in the states as they already had been doing. Their big ceremony and reception had a lot of interesting and beautiful cultural/religious aspects that they would have had to give up if they’d called it a day after the city hall wedding they did out of necessity.
cc
Yeah I’ve heard that is called a pretty princess day. I think its really weird to react the wedding.
Orangerie
Cool story.
anonymama
But it’s not reenacting the wedding, it’s having the cultural and social ceremony that, to them, is the real wedding, and the civil ceremony is just the bureaucratic, filling-out-the-paperwork part of it.
It’s interesting how this has evolved because so many more people have relationships that are less defined by marriage or not-marriage than before… it’s no longer all-or-nothing for starting to build lives together before marriage. Would you say it’s just a pretty princess day if the couple are already living together? I wouldn’t, because to me marriage is not just about that aspect. For a lot of people, marriage is not just about signing the paperwork, but rather about professing their devotion to each other in front of the world at large, uniting two families, etc etc.
Anon
If its important to them, then they should invite the community to their wedding. Not get married, enjoy all the benefits of marriage (which i would love to be able to do) and then a year later renact their vows because no one saw them in a white dress. Going to city hall isn’t just signing a piece of paper, it’s becoming married! If you want the community there, invite them. But by definition, a wedding is when two people wed. If you are already married its literally not a wedding.
Orangerie
It actually wasn’t a year later, it was a matter of months and by the time the move was even an option they had already begun planning their wedding, put down deposits, etc. They didn’t do it just because “no one saw her in a white dress.” Chill out.
Batgirl
Thanks, @anonymama. I’m not very traditional, but I would be very sad if I couldn’t have get married without our families and friends present. I’m not sure what we’ll do, but I want a wedding that lasts longer than the five minutes you’re typically allotted in NYC’s city hall. We will probably skip that part entirely and just have the wedding when we have it–my only point was that we would do it after the baby.
I really find it offputting that people are being so pushy about what I would want to do, in any event, though. It’s extremely personal — made all the more so by some fertility issues that don’t allow me the luxury of doing things the way I might otherwise want to. I would expect people to be a bit sensitive to that.
Thanks to everyone who’s given me advice about the apartment issue (which is what I was actually asking about) or who has otherwise wished me well.
LH
I’m sorry about your fertility issues. But I think you’re being oversensitive in saying you’re not allowed the luxury of doing things the way you want to. People have weddings while pregnant. People also plan elaborate weddings on very short notice. People who can’t afford huge, fancy weddings have simple, intimate, absolutely beautiful weddings. You can have close friends and family come to city hall to witness your wedding. You can have a city hall wedding and plan a huge party to celebrate with 300 friends and family. Whatever your situation, there are a million ways to have the wedding you want and you don’t have to have two weddings. I think what people are trying to convey is that a wedding is not when you wear the big poofy white dress & walk down the aisle in front of a million people, a wedding is when you get married, however fancy or simple that looks like or however many people are there.
Sydney Bristow
Weddings create such a divide on this! I think it’s fine to do both and would be happy to witness either one or both for any of my friends.
I think it makes a lot of sense in situations where you are married at city hall for legal reasons like a destination wedding, visa issues, or health insurance reasons. Maybe I’m biased because I can see myself doing it this way for some of these reasons and I really want to celebrate with my (large) family and friends. I hope that at least some of them would want to celebrate with us as well, complete with vows and fancy clothes (although likely no wedding party).
ITDS
Plus, City Hall doesn’t have to be totally depressing – you can have a pretty dress, flowers, a fun meal at a restaurant with friends and family (although maybe not all 200 you would have invited to a “big” wedding).
posey
City Hall absolutely doesn’t have to be depressing, and there was an article in the NY Times about a year ago about how they re-did City Hall to make weddings nicer there. Also, I get really happy when I go to court in the morning and see people who are on their way to getting/just got married. In fact, that is one of the reasons I love going to court on Fridays – lots of people getting hitched.
Anon in NYC
Yes! I love seeing people downtown who clearly just got married. It completely brightens up my day. And think of the fun pictures afterwards with gorgeous stereotypical NYC/Wall St.-ish architecture or eating dumplings in Chinatown. Mmmm, dumplings.
LH
I have to agree with the “you only get one wedding.” I know someone who had a huge wedding that a lot of people spent money to go to and be in & then everyone found out that for insurance reasons she had actually had a city hall wedding a year before. People were super annoyed, and rightly so. Even without the element of dishonesty, it still doesn’t seem reasonable to expect your friends to attend your “wedding” when you’re already married and have been for awhile. Have a wonderful party to celebrate with all your friends, just don’t call it a wedding because its not.
Wildkitten
In the weddings I’ve been to the couple gets the piece of paper signed and even if something went wrong with the wedding (tornado, forgot their lines) the piece of paper is complete for the marriage. So, I wouldn’t be annoyed to go to a party celebrating the lifelong commitment of a couple just because the paperwork was already done.
Anon
Yes – my cousin did this. Boy were my parents pissed that they had traveled multiple states to see them get married when they were already married for months. Parents/cousin’s siblings were at this “first” wedding too! In fact, they even celebrate the first wedding as their anniversary, not the one we actually went to. Ugh.
CA lawyer
The most important thing about a wedding to me is that a couple gets married. The rest of the day can be simple or lavish, go terribly or go well, but it doesn’t matter–the couple is married. I’m uncomfortable with the idea that a city hall wedding doesn’t count for several reasons, one of which is that it seems pretty hurtful to say that being legally married isn’t sufficiently married when there are people who can’t get legally married and suffer as a result.
A big anniversary party at some point down the line sounds great.
posey
I would save. Once you have a child there will be no more saving, and have you seen how much daycare is in Brooklyn?? (I’ve seen. It’s a lot.) You don’t know how long it’s going to take you to conceive (not trying to scare you but it could take several months of trying) and then 9 months of gestating and that could be 1.5 years right there, which is $9k-$10k in rent savings. Also, your setup sounds doable if you have the baby in your room for the first few months, and you could always put bookshelves or something to block off some space. With the savings you could hopefully move to a proper 2 bdrm a little sooner than you would have anticipated.
Batgirl
Thanks, this is exactly what I’ve been thinking about. It could take a while and daycare is expensive!
AN
Lisa of Amid Privilege just got married at City Hall. Check out her blog. She wore a white dress , had lovely flowers etc.
Silvercurls
Go to City Hall but have each of you wear something that makes you feel special, get a couple of pictures of the two of you, and go out for a meal or something afterwards. Also consider inviting the few people who are really your nearest and dearest? I’m assuming this would be parents & siblings plus maybe a few very, very close friends or aunts/uncles/cousins. This idea won’t work if either of you has a huge and all-or-nothing family (in which every event includes every living soul, right down to the third cousins and their in-laws) or serious family dysfunction (no snark–I just don’t know your life details), but hopefully neither of these sad situations apply. I’m just thinking that your nearest & dearest would be glad to celebrate with you even if it’s small and low-key. They also only get one chance to see you newly married. And then you’re married, which you want to be, and you don’t have to worry about planning a big party and whether it coordinates well or badly with TTC. In the long run it’s the life together that’s important, not the onetime wedding day. Good luck, whatever you decide.
Anon
Late to the conversation but just adding my $.02: I also vote save for now. The rental market in Bklyn is depressingly bad these days, so if you have the ability to hang somewhere (and save money!!) I say go for it. We (DH and me, and now our two kids) have always waited what was arguably too long before upgrading apartments, usually for money-saving and logistics. It was worth it.
You mention your Bf has a month-to-month, which is also great. You can keep one eye on listings (I like Streeteasy the best) so if anything pops up that looks good you are ready to move. If you don’t have one already, consider getting a storage space nearby (there are a ton on Atlantic, for example). Do a vicious purge of your stuff and his, get rid of what you don’t need, and consider storing a lot. Small apartments with too much stuff are recipes for disasters.
Good luck on the baby front. Main cost of kids is childcare, and like so many things, good, legal childcare in NYC is quite dear. If you need full time care (9-5), budget for at least $1500/mo, and really more like $1800.
Finally: have whatever wedding you want, when you want. I’ve been to “real” weddings after the couple was legally married a year early (mortgage and visa issues) and I was happy to celebrate with them. JSFAMO.
Anon
Should have elaborated: My JSFAMO comment was meant to be said to those who think you only get one wedding.
Batgirl
Thanks for this! Trying to take one thing at a time–I shouldn’t have even mentioned the wedding part because we haven’t even started to figure that out. I was just trying to preempt the “are you sure you want to be having a child with a man who won’t even marry you!” comments. :)
Miz Swizz
I covet this suit but I fear it’s something I’d buy and immediately return. That color though!
Calibrachoa
So I am staring at this OKCupid message with my jaw hanging down.
I’ve been chatting to a bloke I really like and last Friday i was supposed to meet him in a group setting – we wee both planning on going to the same event. I let him know beforehand that I would most likely to make it on account of an oncoming pain storm (migraines are evil) and he was pretty glib and dismissive about it. so I tod him off a few days later stating sorry for the delay but i was really angry and here is why kind of way.
I didn’t get a response so i regretfully wrote him off.. until now. he got back to me saying he’s spent the past 3 days writing and rewriting a message 5to me, how he is sorry, how he had misjudged the situation and so forth. I have no idea how to respond but I am kind of ridiculously happy about him getting back to me.
SA
Aww. Sounds like you guys are on the same page. Good luck.
Bonnie
I love this jacket but think it would be a bit much as a full suit.
For those of you who liked the Lafayette dress posted a couple weeks ago, it is now marked down 75%: http://www.neimanmarcus.com/p/Lafayette-148-New-York-Stretch-Cotton-Banded-Dress/prod161420192_cat46580778__/?icid=&searchType=EndecaDrivenCat&rte=%252Fcategory.service%253FitemId%253Dcat46580778%2526pageSize%253D120%2526No%253D120%2526Ns%253DMAX_PROMO_PRICE%2526refinements%253D4294966021%252C4294966032%252C&eItemId=prod161420192&cmCat=product
Solo in Flats
These are the most confusing comments sections on any website out there! Ok, just had to get that off my chest. I don’t like that the shirt is showing underneath the peplummy jacket. Does it bother anyone else?
Susie
I don’t like when a shirt is longer than the jacket, but here the shirt is tucked in a looks fine to me. But there is something about the fit or cut of this jacket that looks off to me, maybe it’s too short and the peplum starts too high it makes it look like the wearer has an unusually long stomach/crotch area and I think it’s the pockets of the pants that are making her hips look kind of wide.
anon
So, there have been a few stories on her about success with online dating recently. Does anyone else feel like this is just not the right option for them? I have been online for the past two weeks or so, and it is really only making me more depressed about my entire situation. I seem to be getting contacted by so many people, but none of them are interesting to me–meaning, 20 years over my age range for example. This seems to be quite a bit of work, and no one that I am matching with seems to be worth the work. I have emailed few guys who seem cute/nice/funny/honest, but haven’t gotten responses. Also, the process feels fairly transactional to me. If anyone else tried online dating, and found that it just wasn’t the right option for them, what did you try next? I postponed online dating for a while, but always thought in the back of my head that when I was ready to start, it would be easy to find someone that I wanted to connect with. My experience has been disappointing, and I am wondering, “what’s next?”
Match
Yes to everything you said. I get messages from people who would never be right for me (i.e. religious guys, super-old guys, super-young guys, guys who barely finished high school, still-married guys, etc.). I don’t know what the next option is for meeting someone. My deep down feeling is that online dating is always going to be tough for me because most of the educated, professional, outdoorsy, non-religious guys around here are white, I am not, and most white guys here are only looking for a serious relationship with someone of the same ethnicity. Non-white guys in my city tend to be religious, which just would never work for me. Of course I don’t want a guy who only wants to date within his ethnicity, but where the hell am I supposed to find one who doesn’t care what race I am?
Match
I can “pass” for white in photos (I think), so I just changed my profile description to white/caucasian. We’ll see what happens…
anon
yeah, i am sure that will cause you to show up in more guys’ matches, which is fine. Most guys probably didn’t realize how to answer the ethnicity question. Anyway, the key question is…are you seeing a lot people that you would be willing go out on a date with? Maybe geographic region falls into this–I am in a mid-size (maybe large) Midwestern city, and my prospects don’t seem good with online dating. But, please someone tell me there is an option after this…
Match
I see a few people I would be willing to meet up with for coffee. They either do not respond to my emails or we exchange a few messages and it peters out quickly. I live in a decent-sized city (about 300K) in a northern red state. My city has a large military population. Sometimes it seems like most of the single guys online are military. I’m not really into that for a couple reasons, mostly because they move around a lot and tend not to have a college education (not that there’s anything wrong with not going to college – but that guy is unlikely to be right for me).
anon
yeah, i have been looking around, and i think the next step is to hire an actual matchmaker. We have It’s Just Lunch in my city, and that seems like something I would try. I think we have other city-specific matchmaking services as well. I am sure there is a larger cost, which I couldn’t seem to find, but I may actually try going down that route.
January
I don’t love it — at first it was overwhelming, and now I’m just kind of bored with the whole thing. But I’ve only been doing it for about 2.5 months, and you’ve only been doing it for two weeks! I think you can back off a little bit in terms of the time you spend online without quitting altogether, if you know what I mean. I think you have to remember that a lot of those couples who marry the first person they met online are probably more the exception than the rule, and just try to look at it as a learning experience. No idea how to meet guys offline – it’s why I turned to Internet dating in the first place.
hr girl
I am not a huge fan of the idea of online dating…but I did meet my boyfriend (of 2 years) on the internet :) Once you filter out all the too old/too young/just creepy guys, I think you just have to go on dates until you find someone you’d like to go out with again. It’s quite an undertaking…I was on the sites for probably around a year and went on so many first dates/meets, I can say I was never bored or without somewhere to go during those months!
People read very different online vs offline too. Someone who has a “good” profile might just have a way with words, where as someone who seems dull or uninteresting just isn’t very adept at creating online dating profiles. I remember meeting a few guys who seemed funny, smart (and dare I say even handsome) from profiles (and pictures), but when I met them it was clear they must have had a ghost writer, copied and pasted, and used a picture from 15 years ago…lol.
Brooklyn Paralegal
It’s very late, so I’m doubtful this will be seen by many, but a few friends came over for a couple glasses of wine and I caved and smoked a few cigar e t t e s, and I officially quit (like, for real this time) three weeks ago, and I’m SO mad at myself. Ugh.
mascot
Don’t beat yourself up. Just keep moving along with your quitting. I don’t think this means you are doomed.
Lilly
Just as one day of not smoking does not equal complete success, one day of error does not equal complete failure.
“…this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford
Good Luck on your continued quitting!