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This looks more like an outdoor than an indoor jacket to me — but I'd probably wear it as both, truth be told. I like the bright blue and the seam details, and the high funnel neck. It was $395 (and the black still is), but this happy bright blue is marked down to $180. It's available in sizes XS-L. Reiss Verona Seam Detail Jacket
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Bonnie
This jacket is lovely but I think it would look odd worn as an inside jacket.
hoola hoopa
I’d wear it inside. It’s definitely on the fence, but I adore it so it’s be worth it.
back to school
I realize this may be a better topic for CMoms, but there just isn’t enough traffic over there. And, I also know that there are plenty of tips to be had from the post that Kat directed us to last week about working parents & dinner time.
My question isn’t about dinner by itself. I wonder about the whole after-school routine of other folks to see what might work for us. My oldest is entering 1st grade this year. Youngest is in preschool 3-half-days per week. Both DH and I work out of the home, but have fairly flexible jobs, and basically zero commute. So, 5pm rolls around, and within 15 minutes, both of us are usually home. Yes, we both have evening meetings sometimes, and that’s always tricky. But for those of you with kids, what do your evenings look like? Lately, we’ve shifted to be almost b-shifters–both of the kids were awake (playing quietly together) at 11p last night, and the youngest (4) didn’t wake till 8, and that’s only because the dog barked at the nanny. The oldest was eating breakfast in his pjs at the time he’d have to be waiting for the bus NEXT WEEK. We have not been great about bedtimes for ourselves either. I suspect he will be getting homework, at some point. We try to limit TV, but we all use it as a way to decompress. And I’m ok with that. I cook most nights (meal plan at least 1-2 weeks out, sometimes more), so that does factor in.
How do you all make it all work?
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t have kids so my opinion on this might not matter much but growing up, my brother and I were allowed to stay up fairly late. I don’t think I ever went to bed before 10 even as a kid and once I was 12 or so I don’t think I ever went to bed before 11. I really enjoyed that time with my family. My sleep patterns as an adult suck. I like to stay up late and sleep in. But what I grew up doing was going to bed late and getting up early. I still usually got at least 7 hours of sleep.
As to how we made it work, well I went from bed to bus stop in about 10 minutes. I’ll be frank, I didn’t shower daily and my showers were at night. My clothes were picked out the night before. I usually ate a poptart at the bus stop. I bought my lunch. My parents didn’t sweat the small stuff. My hair didn’t have to look great. I had a long bus ride so I’d nap some more then.
tesyaa
Little kids certainly don’t need to shower daily, no need to apologize.
Orangerie
Wait, seriously?
(No snark intended, I am honestly curious.)
edited to add: I have no idea what portion of the above put me into moderation. Ugh.
Anonymous
Yup! Stinky sweating is a puberty change. Little kids don’t need to bathe daily. In fact, none of us really do and most Europeans are more like every other day.
Orangerie
I guess I would be less concerned about sweat and more concerned about actual dirt (like, kid goes to playground and rolls around in sandbox or whatever).
tesyaa
Right, if the kids are dirty they need a bath or shower. But kids who spend all day indoors in the winter don’t need a daily bath. If they have dry skin and/or eczema, a daily bath just dries out their skin more.
PinkKeyboard
I bathe every other day now lacking gardening with the husband or other exercise (which never happens).
Anonymous
I often have mine take a bath or shower even if he doesn’t need it for hygiene purposes if I think it’s one of those nights that the soothing, calming will do him good.
Bethany
Totally agree (or at least, I bathed every other day or so when I was little, and I wasn’t chronically sick, and neither were my friends, which I had despite bathing less than daily).
Anonymous
When I was 4 bedtime was 7:30. All through elementary no later than 8:30. You make it work by stopping what you are doing at 8, turning the tv off, and putting the kids to bed! What on earth does a 4 year old in the summer need to decompress from with tv any way? You’re setting your kids up for 12 years of nightmarish struggles to get to school on time and awake by this. Honestly it’s just lazy. And that 9-11 time slot is for sexy times and grown up convos with your husband.
JJ
I think this comment is pretty harsh, but my 2.5 year old is asleep by 8:15 every night other than extraordinary circumstances. I think good sleep is so important for kids to develop mentally and physically and I hope to get them ingrained into the process of going to bed early and getting a good night’s sleep before school starts.
We make it work by prioritizing getting them to bed early. That means no TV, other than cartoons/educational shows while I cook dinner. Once the older kiddo is asleep (the younger one is asleep by 7:00 – I couldn’t keep him awake past then even if I tried), my husband and I will spend a few hours together before going to bed or working a little more. It just depends on what’s important to you. We decided enforcing early bed times and good sleep was important to us – so we make allowances and schedule changes accordingly.
Diana Barry
+1, early bed times are big for us too.
tesyaa
+1
Away Game
Mine are 9 and 7, so rising second and fourth grade. We get home, have dinner. Homework is checked, along with whatever was shoved into the backpacks that day for parents to read, before parents sit down/change clothes. Three nights a week one parent goes with a child to an activity and other parent stays home to do the dinner/homework. If activity ends before 7, dinner waits until all of us are home. (So, sometimes kids eat at 5:30, sometimes at 7:30. We eat all together 3-4 nights a week during the work week. ) Usually everyone is home, done with all business, and ready to be couch potatoes by 7:30 or 8pm. 8-9pm parents usually read (and drink a glass of wine) and one kid watches TV while the other plays video games. One-ish night(s) a week we all have the energy and interest to play a game, but not on the same scheduled night and not every week. (Anything from Clue Jr indoors to kicking the soccer ball outside.) At 9pm children head to put on pjs, brush and floss, pick a book. A parent – we alternate bedtime duty – reads for 15-20 mins and we have lights out by 9:30. One kid wakes up by 6:30 every morning without prompting, another gets rolled out of bed at 7-7:30. Nanny takes kids to camp at 830 in the summer and to the bustop at 8:15 in the school year.
Anonymous
I have a 3 year old. We all get home at 7. Dinner is on the table between 7:15-7:30 (because we precook on the weekends). After eating a leisurely 15 minute dinner (ah, the joys of dining with a toddler), one of us cleans up from dinner while the other plays with our kid. Then we all hang out until 8:45, when our kid gets into pjs and I read him a story and put him to bed. On bath night, he goes in the tub at 8:15 and usually directly into the bedtime routine after that. I usually go to sleep within a half hour of my kid because I get up at 5:30 to work out. Some nights I have to work after he goes to bed. My husband and kid leave at 6:30-6:45 for preschool, so they need to get to sleep at a reasonable hour too. We don’t have much family time (and I have no me time, aside from my workout) during the week, but I work 50-60 hour weeks and my husband and kid have a long commute, so that’s the way it is unless we all want to walk around sleep deprived.
Diana Barry
The kids like to stay up later in the summer, but it’s time to shift earlier.
We eat dinner at 530 pm or 6 if it’s longer to get it on the table. Then the kids read, play, watch TV. The toddler goes to bed at 6:45. The older 2, in 1st grade and preschool, go to bed (brush teeth, story) at 730 and are asleep by 830, 9 at the latest. The 4 yo tends to stay up later than the 6 yo; if he is being particularly noisy we move him into another room.
I wake them up at 7:15 or 7:30 during the school year.
housecounsel
I have a high school sophomore, an eighth grader and a second grader. It is SO HARD to get the little one to settle down and sleep when her sisters are still doing their thing. Dreading the start of school.
Blonde Lawyer
I am absolutely in awe at this since as I posted above my upbringing was so different. Do kids actually need over 12 hours of sleep or is that so you can have more time with you and your hubby? I’m really wondering how much my parents messed me up by letting me stay up so late getting so “little” sleep. LOL. This is so eye opening. Maybe I sleep 10 hours on the weekends to make up for all the time I didn’t as a kid!
ac
Kids need a lot of sleep, and many of the current experts (Weissbluth) suggest that getting kids to settle down & go to sleep in the evening versus late at night is important.
tesyaa
Most kids do need more sleep than they’re getting. I used to know a doctor who was a sleep specialist, and her kids were on a terrible sleep schedule (which she freely agreed was not optimal). So if even the experts can’t enforce bedtime, it’s not surprising that lots of parents have the same issue.
Anonymous
I don’t really remember my bedtime growing up, but I am amazed at not having to wake up until 7:15-7:30. In We were up by 6 every day and out the door by 7:15 (this was in elementary school, before middle school brought on 5am wakeups for 5:30 practices).
JJ
Kids need a lot of sleep and good sleep. I figure, I can’t hurt them by teaching good sleep habits and bedtime traditions.
Anon
Little kids (toddlers/preschools) need about 12 hours a day; elementary school kids need about 9-11 (so if wakeup is 6:30am they need to be asleep (not just in bed) by 9:30pm at the latest).http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/expert-answers/how-many-hours-of-sleep-are-enough/faq-20057898
Our toddler gets about 11 hours at night and one hour nap in the day. I prioritze her sleep schedule because my parents let me stay up late all the time wth no wind-down for bed routine and I now really find it hard to self regulate and I sleep poorly (excessive sleeping in on the weekends (until I had kids); hard time falling asleep; hard time waking up – love my snooze button).
to answer OP’s question – we stay on track by setting times for everything – eg. – in bath at 7:45pm even if dinner only finished at 7:40pm. We get home 530/6ish – play 1/2 hr; dinner prep starts at 6:3; eat at 7pm; bath at 7:30 and bed at 8pm. If we get off on one of these then we just try to hit the next target time and usually that gets things back on track.
Blonde Lawyer
I’m the same regarding self-regulating. When my husband travels I literally forget to go to bed or put off winding down and next thing I know it is 3 am.
January
You’re not alone – I didn’t go to bed at 7:30 as a young child either, and the earliest I can recall having a bedtime was 8:30 (and I did NOT like going to bed that early. Now I’m a night owl, go figure).
tesyaa
When my kids were the ages your kids are now, that was pretty much their schedule too.
Anonk
Oh my god! I’m so jealous! 6:45? It’s 10 and we just got our toddler down after trying for 2.5 hours. We’re in a bad place now, but wow. I’m going to try to move it earlier this week. (Oh but wait, does your toddler still nap? Mine does but that may change in September when he starts preschool smack in the middle of his naptime.)
Meg Murry
We also have been shifting bedimes later and later this summer and will be paying for it in a few weeks. For us, some of the keys to keeping it together are:
-1st grader had 1 page of spelling, 1 page of math and 15 minutes of reading to do a night. Usually only took 15 minutes total to actually do the worksheets, but if we waited until after dinner it usually took another 30-60 minutes of whining, complaining etc. Key for us was to incentivize him getting at least 1 assignment done at the after school program, and try to get him to not savevthe most difficult page in the spelling packet for Thursday night. We varied the incentive – for a while “1 page homework done at after school” and “get homework donr with no whining” were both items on his sticker chart, at other times we required homework be done before fun activities or TV.
-1st grader got an alarm clock for a back to school present, and woke himself up daily with it. He likes that more than having us wake him (and prevents “its too early” or “its too late and I’m panicing” meltdowns).
-We made a pictoral routine for morning and evening with all the tasks my kids need to do, like eat breakfast, brush teeth, get dressed & put dirty clothes in the hamper, etc. We used the pictures here, with my son drawing some of the ones that werent there (like one of him getting his lunchbox out of th fridge) http://www.do2learn.com/picturecards/printcards/
-We have a “bedtime” for the first grader, which is when he must be in his room but can read or draw in his journal or play quietly in HD bed, and “lights out time” a half hour later. I’ve always enjoyed reading before bed, and I want to encourage him to do the same.
-We allow TV in the morning with breakfast (usually 1 PBS show) and 1 show after school, but usually not after dinner – there usually isn’t time from dinner to bed.
back to school
Thanks for all the responses–these are great.
I agree–early bedtimes are a necessity. We do prioritize bedtimes & treat nap times as pretty sacred too. We have the boys bathed, in jammies, and in bed around 8 every night. Then we hear the thump of the younger LEAPING out of bed to go play–this is post tuck-in, post reading, post “good night, shut your door”. They just stay up and play with one another, or alone, until very late at night. I can’t make them sleep, try though I might. I appreciate that they’re playing with one another, quietly, nicely, but I just fear what is going to unfold next week. (I do think that the late nights will probably self-extinguish when everyone is awake earlier in the morning and HAS to be somewhere). They still both generally take naps during the day (oldest will obvs. not get one at school, but youngest will take one after preschool) during the summer & weekends. If there is no actual napping, the house is at least quiet from about 1:30/2 – 4-ish.
As for TV, decompress is a word I use to describe what I do with TV, but perhaps a better term would be winding down for the kids. At 2 years apart, they are each other’s best friends, and worst enemies, and either role can create some pretty rowdy activity. Getting them a bit of TV (or reading, or drawing, or legos–basically any quiet activity) is something that we have had to build into our days, because otherwise, we would go absolutely ape$h!t trying to manage both of them all the time. Otherwise, they’re going full throttle 100% of the time they’re awake. Sometimes we just have to put them each in their respective corners for a break. I have been wanting to determine what the “right” amount and content of programming is, because right now, there’s no real limit–it’s arbitrary: “you’ve been watching for a while. time to go outside.” so it’s nice to hear what others are doing.
We do baths daily, but because of actual dirt–not body issues. They’re outside daily, and even in the winter, all covered up, somehow manage to find the dirt–but I would rather they do that than be inside all day anyway.
I like the lights-out policy. Does anyone have any tricks for getting an older child to turn off his lights? He has nightlights, and the overhead light is very dimmable, and he only has a 15w bulb in his lamp (I’ve reduced it to a 7.5 nightlight bulb in the past). He says his room is “creepy” and that he doesn’t like his lights off. But, with his lights off, HE goes to sleep, and the little one usually will stay in his own room (he does close his door, and has no lights). Oldest will not close his door (and the only way we can keep younger out of his room is with a doorknob cover. We have to allow younger access to the house so that he can use the bathroom. Oddly enough, we were bracing for him to wander the house at all hours, but he hasn’t–he has respected that rule/boundary. Oldest did not. He would go down to the TV at like 4 or 5 in the morning, and then pitch a royal fit when one of us brought him back upstairs for being down too early).
I love these responses, and it’s great to see everyone’s ideas.
Bethany
I would try to enforce a rule where they may read in bed with a small light, but they can’t be on the floor, playing with toys, etc. I generally like to encourage reading / looking at books, and I find that reading in bed leads very quickly to falling asleep. You could leave their door half open so that when you walk past, this is easier to enforce. Also I would assume if they are in bed reading, they will be quietish, versus noisy when playing together on the floor.
tesyaa
I think Dr. Ferber’s original book (Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems, the 1980s/1990s version) had ideas for dealing with older kids getting out of bed and turning on lights, etc. I gave that book to one of my kids’ therapists for her own child, so I sadly no longer have it.
Anonymous
You are their mother! Of course you can make them. New rule: once you’re in bed, no getting out to play. You got caught? Taking that toy away for a week.
Anonymous
that still doesn’t make them sleep. Nothing can MAKE a person sleep (other than drugs); stress can make it harder to sleep.
SuziStockbroker
Meh, my kids go to bed late, and get up late. They don’t need to get up until 8 am for school, so they are quite often not in bed until 10 pm.
We don’t get home until 6 pm though so I wouldn’t see much of them if they wne to bed earlier.
They are 12,10 and 5.
The older one is changing schools this year and will have to get up at 7, should be interesting.
Our routine is: parent(s) home at 6 pm, dinner usually around 7 pm, homework and/or evening activities before or after that depensing. Start getting ready for bed at 9pm. The oldest reads in her room, the middle guy drops off the second his head hits the pillow (he gets up of his own accord in the morning before the other two), little one requires some bedtime being read to.
CKB
Have you thought about eliminating the napping? That will probably make it easier for them to fall asleep at night.
Early bedtimes are crucial in our house. I’ve had my friends comment on how early (unreasonably so, in their minds) my boys go to bed. 8:30 strict lights out on school nights for my 12 & 9yo – 14yo generally turns his lights off at 9. And they have at least 30 minutes, some nights 60 minutes, in bed for reading & unwinding before lights out.
We find that early bedtimes mean they get up easily in the morning, and that benefits everyone, especially dh who is the one getting them up & out the door in the mornings. If they start having trouble getting up in the morning, we turn the lights off earlier so they get more sleep.
Saguaro
Mine are 2nd and 4th grade, and while I let them stay up later during summer break, about 2 weeks before school starts I begin moving bedtime to a little bit earlier and earlier each night. This works well and avoids problems when school starts up again.
During the school year, I meal plan so dinner is much easier and quicker and one of us (mostly me) helps them with homework after dinner. After that they play or watch TV, and by 8:30 I am telling them to put on pajamas and brush teeth, to put the idea of bedtime in their heads. 9:00-ish is bedtime, with one of us (mostly me) reading them a story, or they read on their own, or sometimes I let them play their itouch for a bit. Usually they are asleep by 9:30 or 10:00.
We also limit their extracurricular activities to one per season (fall/spring). This makes a difference for us and the kids, in keeping all of our schedules manageable. I find it hard to get homework done if we have a lot going on with extracurricular activities after school or after dinner.
MegB
Hi, during the summer, all bets are off and my kids stayed up later. Now they are 14, 11 and 10 so all have school work and sports practices in the afternoons and evenings. When they were little we all at between 6:30 and 7, the kids showered and were in bed by 7:30 and did 1/2 hour reading, lights out at 8. A strict schedule during the school year has always worked best for us.
Anonymous
School is a b!tc#
Your easy evenings and simple mornings are over; you will be ruled by schoolbells for the next umpteen years.
I’m not really exaggerating; for years I could get stuff done in the morning before little one rolled out, and evenings we were free to go by when he got tired. These days (he’s in 7th grade), we have to do everything by the clock, whether we feel like it or not, even if I’m on a roll with work. I wish I could give you a more optimistic reply, but that’s how it is in our house.
Anonymous
I’ve often been advised to buy the same style shoes in multiple colors when I find something that works for me. I get the idea, but generally don’t want to end up with a huge number of shoes and want to keep options open in case I fall in love with a different style later. What do you ladies do, and in your view, how many pairs of work shoes are enough/ too much?
Bonnie
No such thing as too many shoes! I have bought multiple pairs of uber comfortable shoes but prefer variety. I see shoes as more than utalitarian items, but accessories that complete my outfits.
anon-oh-no
this. never too many (says the lady with more than 100 pairs . . . )
I do have a few pairs of Stuart Weitzman’s in the exact same style, and a few others in a similar style. Though I often buy the second pair on sale. If you find something that works, why fix it.
BB
I had a similar discussion 2 weeks ago where I ended up purchasing 2 of the same pair of shoes. I actually own this one style of shoe in 3 colors (4 pairs total): black suede, brown leather, tan suede x2. It was absolutely the right choice for me because these heels go with everything for work, and now I have a full color palette that will work for any color clothes. The other reason is that it is a very specific style that I have not seen elsewhere. I’m not hugely creative with my work shoes – I save that for my casual/going out shoes.
preg anon
I have the Kate Spade Karolina in lots of colors because it is the most comfortable shoe on my foot. I am the type of person who had to force myself to buy a pair of black shoes last year because I’d rather have mint green, kelly green, orange, coral, etc. So I am by no means a boring shoe person. The Karolina works for me because it comes in so many fun combos. I have green with a black and white striped heel, red with a gold bow on the toe, etc.
Scout
ugh I just google those shoes and now have decided that I “need” them immediately.
Anon
Only buy them if you really want them in multiple colors right now. I think people tend to buy things to stock up on them just in case, but in reality stores are always going to be there and you can always buy new shoes.
tesyaa
Good advice.
Wildkitten
I think the buy multiple pairs assumes that the shoe is uniquely good for you, and that you have a hard time finding shoes that work, not just that you should stockpile every shoe that ever fits.
Terry
I’ve double bought under special circumstances. For example, I got the first pair on sale, wore them for a week, loved them, and went back to get a second pair (still on sale). These were black and brown versions of something unremarkable in style, but spectacular in comfort. I still regret not buying a backup pair of an old workhorse shoe when they went on clearance. I’d probably still be wearing them today!
hoola hoopa
I agree. I usually buy quality shoes so taste, style, needs change around the time that the shoe wears out anyway. And usually there wasn’t so much remarkable about the particular, beloved shoe except that it fit great and fit a general category (ie, brown flat, matte black pump) and it can therefore be replaced without too much effort. I generally don’t like owning much, which certainly plays into it.
However, I do have a very loved and heavily worn shoe that’s super specific and wasn’t made for more than one season and I wish to tears that I had thought to buy a second pair as soon as I realized how wonderful they were. I honestly can’t find anything similar.
Pink NYC
I don’t usually, but I just bought4 of the Chelsea Pump (3 high, 1 low) because they are just so comfy (and I got them at a steal).
SoCal
Where you get deals on the Chelsea heels?
Pink NYC
I happened to be walking by the CH store in SoHo and dropped in to try the real life version of something on the NAS sale.
posey
I think this is going to depend a lot on your personal appetite for shoe shopping (or shopping in general) and fashion/style. Some people hate shopping and once they find a uniform they will just wear different iterations of that uniform and be fine with it, only replacing things as they wear out. Other people love shopping and want to spend their Saturdays going to a store to look at stuff and pick out something new, even if they have plenty of functional versions of that item already. Or they want the latest/trendiest item. I’m the latter and the advice to buy multiple of one shoe is terrible advice because next season I’ll just want more shoes.
CatToo
I say stock up in years where there are great styles for work. Last year’s Vara rip-offs and this year’s kitten heels came just in time to rescue me from The Hooker Platform and The Dominatrix Gladiator years, when I couldn’t find anything to buy, other than the Not Nude for Me pumps that looked like Band-aids on my feet.
Red Beagle
+1000 to all of this.
ss
Just a heads-up that new shoes don’t keep indefinitely in their unworn state – the sole at the heel gets brittle and eventually crumbles, and in my damp house at least, the leather uppers can acquire a spot or so of mould. I’ve found it better just to put them into rotation, either replacing less-loved shoes or at least reducing wear on older ones.
Anonymous
Do you have a hard time finding shoes that “work” for you?
Anon for This
Advise request. I am a senior associate at a regional office of an AM100 firm. I switched to this firm at the beginning of the year. After getting my offer and before accepting it, I went to lunch with the managing partner of my office (and the only other person in my practice group in my office with whom it is understood I work with primarily) and was very clear that I have two young children, would not be working late/weekends unless it was a true emergency and planned to stick close to the minimum billable requirement (1900-1950ish). I gave her an out to say that would not work for them. She said it was totally fine, completely understands, etc.
For the first 6 months all went as discussed. All of a sudden, people from the home office and other offices have “discovered” me and they are all asking me to help with projects. Some are in my practice area, others are a stretch, but overall the effect is that if I don’t do something soon, I am going to be completely overloaded with work and doing exactly what I said I was unwilling to do. Not to mention practicing in areas of law I do not have experience in or desire to build at this point in my career.
I am not really sure how to handle this situation. My managing partner is quite influential but I think it would be way too much to expect her to handle this. Do I start politely declining work even though I am not as busy as they might want me to be? For what it’s worth, I am currently around 180ish hours of true billable work per month plus an additional 25-35 of non-billable stuff (like group meetings, writing articles, doing presentations, etc). It’s not like I am part time or anything.
Anon
What’s the downside to saying that you’re sorry, but you’re pretty busy now and since the topic isn’t in your practice area, they would be better off looking for someone that works with that area?
Anonymous
Tell your managing partner that you are being bombarded with work for other offices, that your priority is work in your area and office, and that you intend to start saying no. Give her a chance to tell you “nope suck it up” or “ok but you’ll never make partner” or “that’s fine except these 2 people are essential to my practice and you must do their work.”
Bee
My advice depends on what kind of career and life you want. You’re a senior associate, new to the firm, and it seems you don’t have a lot of contact with very many partners due to your geography and practice area. Given these facts, if it is your goal in life over the next 2-3 years to make partner, you really can’t afford to turn down opportunities to create and foster relationships with partners, provided of course that it’s the type of work that will allow you to make a good impression. If, on the other hand, time with your kids is your first priority right now, then politely decline the work with the understanding that that may have implications for your partnership prospects.
Of course, partnership is a craps shoot either way. If you didn’t make partner, which would you regret more: having done your best to make partner at the expense of time with your kids, or spending time with your kids at the expense of putting in the hours that might have made you a more serious contender?
Anon for This
Thanks for this. Making partner is not the end-all be all for me. I will be perfectly happy going in-house in a few years if partnership is not an option and have no intention of killing myself for the title. Family is far more important to me.
Anon atty
I’d just add that it is not uncommon for partners in other offices or other groups to make a deliberate effort to try to work with the associates who have a reasonable shot at it (some will want to try to get to know you before they have to vote on you). If the partner you’re working with likes you, she may be deliberately setting up these opportunities to help you get the kind of exposure across the firm/to the right people that you need. Not that you should work yourself to death – but it may be worth seeing if there’s a way to do some of these projects/work with some of these people without increasing your total hours.
Anon for This
Yep – I actually think this is exactly what is going on. She really wants me to make partner. I want that too but not at the expense of my family’s well being. Staying late for a closing is one thing. Billing over 180 on a regular basis every month is just not in the cards. Sigh. I just need to learn how to politely decline some projects in a strategic manner.
Anonymous
I love me some Reiss, but this jacket looks like the North Face hardshell Apex jackets and should be worn over yoga pants on Saturday morning at Starbucks.
rook
+1
Red Beagle
Personally, I get a rather Trekkie vibe. Did Lt. Uhura call asking for her dress uniform jacket?
housecounsel
Is your managing partner a mentor of sorts? When I had a similar issue, I went to my partner/mentor. He fixed the problem and covered for me by decreeing that all other partners’ assignments had to come through him. He framed it as though he was possessive of my time and didn’t want anyone else’s work to be prioritized before his (which was true). So other partners would come to him, and he would check with me as to whether I wanted to do the work and had time to do it. It worked out well for me.
Anon for This
Nice to hear. I think I am going that direction with respect to one part of the issue (the stuff that is really not in my practice area). I will see how that goes to get a sense of how well the bigger conversation would fly I guess.
It is nice to see that I didn’t get a bunch of responses implying that I was lucky to have all this work and should never say no!
Anon
My brand spankin’ new (ok, 4 mos old), gift-to-myself-after-big-bonus Rebecca Minkoff MAB handles are cracking/starting the process of tearing out of the bag. How is this ok!?! It’s marketed all over the place as a bag for a working professional woman. I use it more or less every day, but I don’t take my computer home daily… just my lunch, wallet, etc. It’s frankly too big for what I need it for, but my point is it is NOT over loaded day after day after day. Barely ever is it there too much strain on the handles, if you ask me.
Will they replace it? I got it at Nordstrom, if that matters. What’s a girl to do :(
Anonymous
Nordstrom? Absolutely they will repair/replace/refund.
Orangerie
Nordstrom will take back pretty much anything… but I would probably just ask for the credit and pick out a new bag. Wouldn’t risk the same thing happening twice.
Anon
Recommendation for new bag? Sturdy and stylish? I thought that’s what I was getting in this bag (I did some heavy research, so I thought). .I just loved the clean look of the MAB. I often carry folders and an occasional laptop, so I need something big-ish. So frustrating.
Orangerie
How big is your laptop?
I like this one from Furla: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/furla-b-t-tote/3750375
Michael Kors also sells a tech version of their Jet Set tote that has a laptop sleeve built in… I think you can get it at the apple store?
If your laptop carrying is only occasional, I personally wouldn’t make my bag decision based on it. I like these, and have heard good things about the quality on both brands:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/marc-by-marc-jacobs-in-the-grain-satchel/3808609
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/michael-michael-kors-large-selma-zip-top-satchel/3430145
Lady Tetra
I have a TUMI that’s been going strong for over a year now, with no signs of wear.
Flying Squirrel
They may be overdone, but I always end up with Kate Spade or Coach as my go-to work bags. They just seem to be indestructible. Okay, well after about 4 years of intense usage the handle on a Coach Factory bag of mine started to wear…but generally, all of my bags by both brands look brand new. I have tried often to branch out to something more fashion-forward or even more expensive, but I just fall back on these brands b/c they also tend to have features that make them useful for work. Another consideration, for me anyway, is that they have many bags that are more lightweight and won’t kill your back.
The Kate Spade large Gabriel is great for hauling files and a laptop (along with a change of shoes and your lunch if you have a walking/train commute). I don’t know the models of a couple of other bags that I have, but another bonus is you can look at their Outlets for good quality bags at a slightly lower pricepoint. I’ve bought both outlet and regular bags from both brands, and I’ve been happy with both.
Anon
And, I got it at Bloomingdales, actually (online purchase.. I forgot). I’ve never had to return anything there before, but I suspect they’re on par with Nordstrom. Website says they’re flexible.
Anonymous
This happened to me too! I was so upset. And it was a huge hassle since I had ordered it from the states and shipped it to Canada. I returned it and am now sitting on store credit wondering what to buy to replace it. I had no trouble at all getting store credit though when I returned it after 6 months or so. They also offered to repair it but I was so disenchanted with it I just wanted to get something else.
ALN
I have a follow up question to today’s flats post. I have come to realize that my main issue with professional shoes re: comfort has less to with height and more to do with material. It seems any stiff leather, like box calf or patent, inevitably digs into my ankles and cuts them to shreds. I’ve tried heel inserts, band aids of all types, tights/hoes/knee highs. Nothing really works. The only shoes I can wear day in and day out are soft, supple leathers, which I know tend to be more casual. Is it possible to find a supple leather shoe (flats or pumps) that are nice enough for court or interviews? Any other tips for making stiff leather more comfortable?
Anon
Apologies in advance if this is a dumb question, but are you wearing hosiery? If not, that might solve your problem.
ALN
Yeah, so far, hosiery is the best I’ve found, but it still isn’t perfect. They extend the length of time I can wear the shoes before I get blisters but they still happen. Plus, they make all my shoes feel too big and I’m slipping in them.
Anon in NYC
Tip for making stiff leather more comfortable: body glide on your ankles/heels/anywhere that gets irritated. Keep a pair in the office or in your purse and reapply as necessary. It has worked wonders for me.
ALN
Tried this. Doesn’t work for me. I can’t reapply often enough to prevent blisters from forming.
Meg Murry
Liquid bandaid/ nu skin works better for me than bodyglide because its like adding an extra layer of skin. Works best if I wear the shoes for a short time, then apply once I know where the rubbing spots at but before its a full out cut/blister.
I have a couple of pairs of shoes I love for summer but that I have to break my feet in for every year by wearing for only an hour or two on not-heavy-walking days, and using lots of liquid bandaid
Orangerie
Ann Taylor makes some nice classic leather pumps. I have a couple pairs and I don’t find them to be nearly as stiff as patent leather.
kellyandthen
I had a pair of Kate Spade patent flats that rubbed to the point of me bleeding…a lot. Like, it now looks like a surgical incision scar. Once that healed (…it took a while), I was still scared of these gorgeous shoes. It was the seeming on the very edge of the inside of the heel–right below the lip–that was the culprit. I treated it like a home improvement project…and I sanded down the inside and edge of the shoe. I used a heavy emery board and hewed off the offending bit. The shoe is still in gorgeous shape–didn’t destroy anything–and the seems are still operative, just less sharp.
Anon PA
I have done this also, with the same success!
anon
Would the Clarks Decade Rana work? Check 6 pm.
ALN
Those look nice! Thanks for the suggestions everyone!
Cat
Is it possible that your heel is of an unusual depth (i.e., distance from bottom of foot to achilles)? If you have a “short” foot, inserts under your heel may help you so that the built-in curve at the back of the shoe matches your foot better.
ALN
That’s an interesting idea, because I do feel like shoes come up too high on my ankle. I’ll have to try that!
hoola hoopa
Try on a ton of shoes until you find the right one.
With stiff leather, I’ve found that it either fits *perfectly* *immediately* or I’m going to have the same wear-and-tear-on-me issue. It’s a drag, but after a couple of decades I’ve decided it’s the best approach.
Wildkitten
I have to use blister band aids the first few times I wear any shoe – you can get them at any drug store: http://www.amazon.com/Band-Aid-Adhesive-Bandages-Multi-Day-Protection/dp/B005CPGN1S/
Philanthropy Girl
Any advice on how to get through the work week when you’ve totally checked out? I’m completely distracted, bored, and basically ready to go home by 10 am. I’m nearing the end of my pregnancy, which is making things worse – but decidedly isn’t the cause of the problem.
I’m getting great feedback from my boss, good performance reviews, completing tasks well and on time – but I know I’m capable of so much more. I’m bored and burnt out and lacking challenge – but I still need to get up and go to work every day. (I’m pursuing a job change, but options are limited in my area, and with baby coming soon, it’s not a great time to make a change).
Advice?
hoola hoopa
First off, the pregnancy is not an insignificant part of this. Your motivation, attention, and energy will rebound… eventually.
Goals. Set a daily goal and complete at least that. I find that if I complete that one goal by noon, I’m more likely to feel motivated to do more, but if I set too many goals I just sort of give up on the entire concept.
If you’re bored but understandably don’t want to change jobs right now, then look around and see what you can do in your current position that interests you. Most likely there’s *something*. Think about skills you can develop, contacts you can make, or concrete projects that need to be done but know one has time to do.
Anon
I was you a few months ago, and now I am an exhausted working mom. So I say give yourself permission to coast. Use your extra time to take care of tasks you want to get done before the baby comes, read something fun, take a (short, slow) walk outside, meet a friend for lunch, etc.
Anastasia
I agree you should give the pregnancy more credit as a cause, but I have been in this exact position. And when I came back to work to a promotion and more/different responsibility (that I was excited about at the time, because anything would be better than how bored I was pre-maternity leave), I wondered what I was thinking 1. accepting the new position and 2. ever being upset about having a job that only needed half my energy.
Anon has some great suggestions, but I would add to those… wait until you come back to work for a while to make any decisions about job changes. You may be thankful for your boring job that you’re able to do well while mentally checked out.
anne-on
Yup to this! I interviewed for and got a new job about 3 months after coming back from my maternity leave, in the middle of a huge sleep regression/illness for my first baby. Its been a great career move but it was literally the hardest professional thing I had ever done. Building up a new network, proving yourself to new colleagues/bosses, learning new job responsibilities on almost no sleep while adjusting to life as a new mom was soul crushing. I am incredibly proud of myself for doing it but man at the time it would have been really nice to just coast along in my ‘safe’ job that I’d been doing for a long period of time.
Philanthropy Girl
Thanks ladies!
Anonymous
PSA – with the news of the Russian mafia group having access to 1.2B people’s personal data, etc, make sure you are using a password manager to ensure you have a unique and secure password on every website, using two factor authentication (where it’s available), checking your credit report regularly, and otherwise safeguarding your data!
I think the current system of usernames/passwords will have to go. It’s just too easily breakable/hackable. But until then, I can speak from experience – getting your identity stolen sucks and it’s not that hard for it to happen to you.
Anonymous
Paging TBK or anyone else that can help me feel sane:
We were TTC for one month and it happened the first month…some of you may have seen my posts. Everyone just said to take a test and get it over with. Yep, sure enough pregnant – I was happy but of course nervous. Then I find out yesterday that I’m having frat twins (no fertility treatment, no twins in the family). I’m just overwhelmed right now. I’m excited but I’m so scared. I think my co-workers think I have an untreatable disease because I came back from the doctor (I told them I had a doctor’s appt.) looking like I had been crying. I was crying out of sheer surprise, terror, etc. I’m super tired because I couldn’t sleep last night and my boss said “it seems like I’ve been on a different planet for the last two days”. Um that’s because I have been. I told him that I’m sorry if I don’t seem like I’m firing on all cylinders, but that I really haven’t been sleeping well but I’m trying to take steps to improve the situation. Has anyone here had twins??? Please tell me I’m going to live through this.
MegB
Hi, you totally will live through it! Hugs! We went through all kinds of hell TTC our number 1 and when he was not quite 2 had an unplanned pregnancy that turned out to be fraternal twins. I burst into tears on the table during the 10 week ultra sounds and called my mom on the way home sobbing. I had a fairly normal pregnancy and actually went 39 and 1/2 weeks before having a scheduled C. Baby 1 was an emergency C-section and twin A was breach and B was transverse so my doctor and mid-wife agreed this was the safest option. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie to you but you will survive. Mine will be 11 at the end of the month! Good luck!!!!
Anontwins
Congratulations! I also got pregnant with unplanned twins on the first try. I was completely devastated after the first ultrasound … but they’re almost a year now and it’s been great! It’s a lot of work, but I just adore each of them, and love watching them together. I’m tired, but honestly my friends with just one baby don’t seem any less tired. Having two forces you to be efficient.
It is true that the pregnancies can be more complicated (though mine wasn’t) and nursing is definitely a bigger challenge (almost all of my singleton friends have nursed 6+ months, but more like 50% of my twin friends). But a big plus side is that the community of twin parents is awesome, at least in my area — very nonjudgmental about you making choices that work for your family. I’ve made so many good friends with twins.
Good luck! It will be fun.
away game
Congrats! We found out at six weeks and were also stunned. There is even a (silly) name for it – twinshock. No twins in the family and surprise pregnancy. It takes awhile but you will get used to the idea and you have months to read and prepare. Lots of work those first few years but awesome all the same ; you ‘ll be fine.
JB
I’m an identical twin, so no personal experience, but I have asked my parents about raising us many times. First of all, my mother said that the first few months were extremely difficult (and she wouldn’t wish twin babies on anyone), but many new parents feel the same way. She was diligent about putting us on the same sleep cycle, even if that meant waking up a sleeping baby. However, after the first year or two she thought it was easier than standard siblings because we were on the same schedule for school, same activities, same play dates. It couldn’t have been too traumatic because my parents went back for another child when I was 2.
Congratulations, by the way! I have such found memories of growing up with a playmate my age, I’m sure your children will as well.
Hooray!
Congratualtions! Fraternal twins are the best thing ever! (Disclosure: I am a fraternal twin. I am biased.) My mum always says that the first 1 year of havings twins was dreadful – there’s always someone to feed, burp, change, bath, soothe, etc. – but because it’s impossible to feed/burp/change/soothe two babies at once she necessarily developed very strong co-parenting relationships with my dad and my grandmother (her MIL) who were very involved with us, which served us very well as we were growing up. It was a big it-takes-a-village vibe around the two of us. My mum also always says that around the 1 year mark my sister and I discovered that the other was there, and from then on we were much less work because we entertained each other. Your children will never ever be lonely, because they will have each other. Your children will learn quickly because they will have the benefit of learning from their twin’s mistakes as well as their own. Your children will be less susceptible to peer pressure because their closest peer will have been raised in the same family with the exact same values. Don’t freak out – it will be the best blessing you never asked for!
Gail the Goldfish
Another fraternal twin here and my mother said the same thing (she also only wanted 2 kids and only having to be pregnant once was an added bonus). I was also quite a surprise because my mom didn’t know I existed until about two weeks before we were born (I guess my brother was blocking me on the ultrasound? We were also born a couple of weeks early). You’ll be fine.
anon
I have one year old fraternal twins who are crazy fun and adorable. The best advice I ever got was to accept all the help I could get. If you can afford to hire help, even during your maternity leave, just do it, don’t pressure yourself to do it all.
It’s hard, but it’s so great! For what it’s worth, my pregnancy was really easy. I just got bigger faster, but I was totally healthy the whole time and had to be induced because my babies just didn’t want to come out.
Anonymous
Thanks everyone. I went through the second night last night of little sleep since finding out. I’m trying to stay calm as I know it’s best but keeping my anxiety at bay has been hard. Everything will be fine but wow this is not something I ever expected. Life truly is unpredictable.
Thank you all for the reassurance. It’s definitely a blessing but it’s going to be a tough first year….or two..
Sherrie
StarTrek anyone?
Alanna of Trebond
PSA — I don’t know if anyone is even still reading, but Roland Mouret for Banana Republic just went live if you google the styles.