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Wednesday’s TPS Report: Yenes Jacquard Jacket

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Reiss Yenes Jacquard JacketI'm on the fence about posting this one for a weekday, but the sale is too good and the blazer too pretty not to post. It's supposedly olive (although it looks a lot more silvery gray to me) and while it's a clear choice for a festive blazer, I think it does have a place in your general rotation. I'd wear it with very muted separates, as styled here. It was $425, but is now marked to $126 (!) at Reiss (sizes XS-L still left). Reiss Yenes Jacquard Jacket Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) Psst: Check out more great deals at the Corporette Bargains page!

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

362 Comments

  1. who turned the curtains into dresses? Or was that from The Sound of Music?

    This, to me, has a very upholstery/drapery look to it.

    In my mind, I amthe Baroness Schraede, not Maria.

    3. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what I don’t like about this, but I think it’s some combination of the color and shine. But now I see curtains :)

    4. I love the shape and print of this dress but not think it’s too shiny for work. I would definitely wear it for a festive occasion with slim black pants and a silky white shirt.

  2. Sorry, I hate this jacket.

    Ladies, I need some advice on how much I should push for a refund in this situation. Earlier this year, I purchased a very expensive hair piece/wig (a little over $2K) because I have felt increasingly self conscious about my thinning hair. At the time of the purchase, I was close to giving birth and told the owner that I wasn’t sure how wearing this hair piece would work with having a small infant. She said that she wanted her clients to be happy and that she would give me a refund if it wasn’t working out. She did not indicate that refunds had to be requested within a certain time frame.

    Fast forward 8 months later. I have never worn the hair piece even once and it is in pristine condition, sitting in the original box. I barely have time to get ready in the morning and out the door with my 6 month old, plus I’m always worried about the baby pulling on the piece, spit up, etc.

    I sent an email to the owner explaining the situation and requested a refund. She wrote back saying that I waited too long to ask for the refund and that she could not provide one.

    I’m annoyed/disappointed because the owner never said that there was a time frame for when I could return, plus she knows that I just had a baby and was just trying to survive for the last several months, and that making a return was not a high priority at the time.

    Who is in the wrong here? Am I being unreasonable? I am planning to give her a call to talk more about this – what is my strongest argument? I did not sign any contract or anything, since this was just for a sale of goods. I do have the receipt.

    1. A few things: (1.) 8 months is a *long* time (2.) You already wore the wig
      Can you ask for store credit? A partial refund? Exchange it for a wig that works w/ your lifestyle? (3.) Can you get the wig cut and styled in a way that suits your lifestyle ?

      Also, some Orthodox Jewish women wear wigs and care for many children. Maybe browse some wig-care websites? They might have some helpful pointers. Good luck!

      1. Thanks for the feedback. To be clear, I never wore the wig. They fitted it for me at the store, but I have never worn it otherwise.

        1. Ah, ok. I misunderstood. In that case, I would (politely) push hard for a full-refund. If that doesn’t work- seriously consider getting the wig cut and styled. A lot of women do that w/ their wigs instead of chucking them and buying a new one.

          1. You can try selling it as a consignment or on eBay. You won’t get close to the money you spent, but you might get something.

      2. As an Orthodox woman (although I choose not to cover my hair), I can tell you most ladies aren’t wearing their wigs at home while running after the kids – they’re for wearing outside the house usually, as they’re too expensive and not comfortable enough to wear around the house. Usually a scarf is the go-to for wearing at home.

        You can definitely get the wig styled or re-cut to suit you better if that would help. I would think the wig might speed up getting out the door in the morning as you don’t have to waste time styling your own hair! Or you can try selling it online.

    2. Since it’s eight months later, it’s possible she doesn’t remember you or your specific circumstances. Did your original email spell this out? If the store isn’t too far away from you I would visit, and maybe refresh her memory as to why she said you could return it. If not, be prepared to get a little more firm, and point out that she never specified a return window, etc. If you already explained the circumstances in the email, this advice may not help, but I would try to ask twice before taking any more drastic measures. You may catch her on a better day or she may just decide that you’re persistent and it’s not worth her time to argue.

    3. I think you’re being unreasonable, a small seller with a custom business isn’t Nordstroms. I totally get that you’re overwhelmed and didn’t deal with it sooner, but to me it fits the expression “your failure to plan does not mean I have an emergency”. Sorry if this is a little harsh but I think this one is pretty obvious, especially since nothing is wrong with the product, you just don’t need it anymore.

      1. Agreed. 8 months is a long time, and even though a time frame for refunds wasn’t specified, I think this falls outside of anything reasonable. I imagine the accounting issues of processing this return would be a huge hassle for a small business.

      2. That’s a lot of money to eat because you changed your mind, but that is also all the more reason waiting 8 months shouldn’t have happened. I also think that when making any major purchase, the responsibility is on the purchaser to find out the return policy. It’s not like the wig was defective or that she isn’t abiding by a written return policy you were aware of. The store owner doesn’t know how much you’ve worn it, and she certainly can’t go selling it as new (or shouldn’t).

        I also am not understanding the role in this with the baby. The baby will not always be at the spit-up stage, etc. And I am 100 percent behind any mom, but it seems like you maybe need a moment to get some perspective. The first year is insanely tough and throws all sorts of new routines, limitations, and priorities into the mix, but stick in “I was planning a wedding/getting married” instead, and I think maybe you’ll where it could come of as a bit Bridezilla.

        1. +1

          There is no real contract here, and it is up to the owner’s discretion.

          It’s also not fair for you to say that it isn’t working out, as you haven’t even tried it.

          I agree that the wonderful customer service of Nordstrom’s (which I’ve seen others on the website push too far, in my opinion….) may lead to unreasonable expectations. I think it is unreasonable for a small business to be expected to reimburse you after 8 months because you simply changed your mind.

      4. Yup. Eight months is a really long time to wait. If you felt so strongly about returning it for a refund, I think you should have made it a priority to get it back sooner. I imagine having a baby is overwhelming, but it’s not really a small, custom seller’s fault that you took so long to decide you didn’t want the wig.

        I know nothing about wigs, but if I had made this investment I’d bear in mind, like others have said, that your baby won’t be tiny and spitting up on things forever. However, you will probably still have thinning hair, so I think it’s worth hanging onto or getting restyled anyway, all issues of refund aside.

        1. It’s not a matter of it not working out. You are choosing not to use the product.

          1. This is my thought as well…I’m on Team Small Business Owner here…you having a baby and not dealing with the wig well (or at all) really isn’t her issue….sorry.

    4. I’m shocked you would even try to get this. To me, not working out would involve some sort of issue with the wig, for example your hair growing in slightly differently post partum. Just deciding you can’t be bothered with it after 8 months seems excessive. Could you suggest consigning it back to her for resale instead? How customized is it?

    5. Thank you for all of the comments. I understand that she’s a small business owner and that 8 months is a long time to ask for a refund. The reason I am upset is that when I did the initial fitting, she repeated at least a few times that I could return the wig if it wasn’t working out and that there had been 1 or 2 customers in the past who were able to return it (they would eat the deposit, which is understandable, but they would still be able to make the return). In retrospect, I should have asked more about the return policy and whether there was a window for making the return.

      I actually do think that the wig can be reused for someone else – she talked about how they can dye the hair any color, perm it, straighten it, etc.

      1. It’s not a matter of it not working out. You are choosing not to use the product.

        1. Exactly. I think “not working out” means that it is a faulty product. Not that it no longer fits in your lifestyle. I have a lot of things that aren’t exactly appropriate in my real lifestyle (only my dream one!). Your baby will not be spitting and pulling at your hair forever, and it will likely continue thinning, so hopefully you can use it later.

      2. You seriously think that 8 months is reasonable?!

        If the owner had some obnoxiously short expectation (like 1 week), I would say the onus would be on her to make that clear. But in this case 8 mos is completely out of the realm of reasonable and if you wanted to preserve a right to return this late, you should have made it clear.

        Also, I agree with others, there is nothing indicating this isn’t working out. You’ve just decided not to try. The store owner is not responsible for your buyers remorse.

      3. I think that the timeline, in the owner’s mind, for “not working out” would be a few weeks, maybe a month. You bring it home, use it (or not!), have the baby, and find out for some reason it doesn’t work with your liftstyle. I’d expect that call in a month, or maybe even 90 days given the baby. But you’re at almost 3x 90 days, which would make me think as the shop owner, “why on earth didn’t you come back in March? Or even May?!”

    6. My final suggestion would be that you try not to be too hard on either yourself or the wig merchant. There are a lot of emotions associated with hair loss that could have caused your ambiguity about wearing the wig, in addition to lifestyle needs. Try to make the best of it, and if you can do so without alienating the wig merchant/stylist (if she’s really good), so much the better, because you might still be able to get an item that you like and makes you feel good.

    7. I agree with those saying it is not reasonable to expect a refund after 8 months. How about donating to a cancer charity?

          1. Discuss with your tax accountant and all that, but I think you could deduct as an in-kind charitable donation. (Donating your own hair, however, is not tax deductible)

  3. Am I the only one excited about the silky (both real silk and poly-blends) long-sleeved sheer blouses with ties that are back in a big way from the 80s? I love the feminine feel and I love that they are being shown as casual wear with jeans and flats. This is especially true because my office dress code is so casual that it is easy to trend toward the frump, and no, the JCrew ruffly flower on a T-shirt doesn’t really change the fact that I am in jeans and a T-shirt most days. Let’s just pray they don’t start sticking those God-awful puffers in the shoulders and call them shoulder pads!

    1. I’m too busty to feel professional in front-tie shirts, but I do like them for casual wear!

    2. Yes! Me! I love them. I wear them with suits, dress slacks, pencil skirts, jeans, anything!

    4. What are y’all’s favorite pieces or stores for these blouses? Have you come across blouses without ties? Ties look too fussy on my busty figure

        1. I haven’t shopped at AT for over two years because a bunch of stuff I bought of them turned out to be poor quality but may be worth a trip now to check out their blouses. Thanks!

      2. My favorite “looks like silk” blouse came from H&M. I actually like that it’s polyester because it’s so easy to machine wash and hang to dry. It requires some searching among the too sheer, studded, neon, etc. offerings, but they usually have a few good basic options each season.

        1. So true on H&M. I am sometimes overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff they have and it’s mostly too trendy for work wear. I have found a few good basics there so will check out their blouses. Their website says they also have 100% silk blouses. Who knew!

          1. I’m just overwhelmed by the amount of sheer stuff they have. Not everyone likes to show their bra!

        2. PSA: I was at an H&M today and they had these no-tie looks-like-silk blouses buy one get one free.

    6. I actually hate these blouses and am so irked that they keep hanging around. I’ve seen other women rock them, but somehow they always look very stuffy, prim, and Mad-Men-secretarial on me. And also like the bow wants to eat my face.

      1. When I wear them, I tie the blow a little further down, so it looks a little “droopy.” I like that look a lot better than tied right at my throat.

    7. Love them! For the most part, I don’t wear regular button-downs often (hate ironing and hard to find shirts that fit my shape well) and these are as soft as a shell but add the polish of a button-down. Tie neck or not, I hope blouses are here to stay!

      1. Same here. I cannot get “crisp” button-down shirts to fit properly – they are too big in the shoulders but too tight across the bust and the collar never sits right. Love the drapey shirts.

        I actually got some decent ones from Old Navy last year (not sure how the quality is this year) and Limited that have survived quite well with machine washing on cold and hanging to dry. I usually wear shirt + cardigan and it’s nice to have shirts that look nicer cardiganless than a plain t-shirt. I’m neutral on tie neck/plain neck, I like them both.

        Other places to try are Zara and Joe Fresh. Maybe Modcloth, too, although they tend to skew a bit twee.

  4. I admit, a jacquard blazer was on my list for this fall, but I bought one at Marshall’s in black for $30. And I disagree about it looking like drapes – this blazer looks like the coverlet my grandmother had in her guest room for the really important guests.

    1. Yes, exactly. The guest room of Grandma’s trailor had exactly this sort of linens!

      (My grandma, I mean. I have no idea if your grandma lived in a trailor.)

    2. I just snorted in my office.

      That said, I actually sort of like it. Not enough to experiment and invest in international shipping, but it’s sort of neat.

  5. Just need to vent…I’m in a cubicle and we recently moved on our floor. My team now has a LOT more employees surrounding us, including IT people who constantly make phone calls on speaker phone. Like they use speaker phone more than the regular phone. Of course we can wear headphones but it doesn’t completely drown out the noise. Who does that?

    1. Is there a nice way you can ask an office manager or HR person to send an email about it? Like “Hey, as you know, we moved to a new floor, and that means big changes! Some people are using speakerphone a lot, and it can be distracting. Could someone please send a friendly reminder email asking people to minimize use of speakerphone?”

      1. Yeh I think I’m going to mention it to our Director, we’re a pretty close knit team who is valued so they want us to be happy in our space. The company is running out of space so we can’t move anywhere else. But I don’t know why people don’t automatically know this is rude office behavior.

    2. I can understand why IT would be using speakerphone – it’s hard to use both hands to diagnose computer issues while holding a phone, but THEY should be the ones using headsets to deal with this problem, not you using headphones to drown it out.

    3. Based on what you’ve written, that’s not cool. I could understand it, if several people on the team needed to be on the call and there were no conf rooms available. But, speakerphone for 1 in your situation = no. They need to get some headphones.

      1. Heh. I’m in IT and I posted a year or so ago about all the salespeople who put conference calls on speakerphone in their cubicles.

      2. I had to sit near the customer support/help desk people, and one of them always had radio on, listening to a particular kind of music. Not my favorite kind, of course. Drove me bonkers.
        I complained to my manager and (maybe because I was expecting at the time) this was addressed – the person got headphones for their radio.

    5. I hate this also, even tho I sit in my own office, I am very close to everyone, and I must keep my door OPEN b/c I have no air otherwise. I can hear Frank all the time on the phone and also he like’s to GRUNT alot, particulareley after lunch. He also has alot of digestive issues that are GROSS that I will NOT go into, and since he sit’s right next to the bathroom, he is ALWAYS in there first and he sit’s and read’s the NY Post for hours after lunch, so I have to use the hallway bathroom and there I see peeople from other companies as well as peeople from the outside who get into our building to use the toilet’s. That bathroom is also kind of gross and the janitor’s come in unannounced to see if the toilet paper needs a new roll, and they stare at me alot when I am fixeing myself up afterward, so it is not fun for peeople who have crappy offices like I do. FOOEY!

      Soon we will be moveing, either to a place on 3rd Avenue, or another dumpier place on Madison. The manageing partner says he is still negotieating, and will let us know by November 1. YAY!!!!!

    6. I commiserate! My cube neighbor brought in a TRAIN SCANNER… yes a train scanner. Like a police scanner for trains that he listened to full volume EVERY MORNING at 7am for several weeks.

  6. Hi ladies. Does anyone have good resources or strategies to recommend for supporting a partner who seems to be struggling with depression?

    1. Hi there. You’re a good partner to be asking how you can help. I highly recommend this book:

      What To Do When Someone You Love Is Depressed : A Practical, Compassionate, and Helpful Guide
      by Mitch Golant Ph.D

      I found it very useful and gave it to family members when my husband was diagnosed. Aside from that, remember to take care of yourself, even if it means having to find someone else to take care of your partner for a night/day/weekend/whatever.

      Finally, the best advice I can offer you is to sincerely believe in how your partner feels (no matter how irrational, it is his/her reality) but also maintain the same sincere belief that there is hope and things will get better, eventually. It’s a tough road – take care.

      1. Second Famouscait’s advice to take care of yourself. It seems the antithesis of what you should be doing (I should be cheering partner up, I should be there since partner doesn’t want to be here with me, I should be…), but it is crucial to your survival and well-being.

    2. I’ve been there. Here are my suggestions.
      For your partner:
      – Get accustomed to taking over most or all of the household duties, just as though your partner was sick with a physical illness.
      – Encourage your partner to seek treatment. This might be tough or it might be easy. If your partner is overwhelmed by the thought of finding a doctor and making an appointment, offer to simply make an appointment with his/her primary care doctor. GP can generally do a basic screening and provide a referral to a psychiatrist or therapist. Your partner may not be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel and therefore may not believe medicine can help.
      – Consistently offer to do healthy things, like take a walk outside, see friends, go out to the movies, etc. Expect that your partner won’t want to go, but make sure the option is there.

      For you:
      – Get away when you need to. Depression really is catching. People with depressed partners are at a higher risk of developing depression themselves. Talk with friends, go out (even without your partner) and do what you need to do to stay healthy. You can’t support your partner if you’re not healthy yourself.
      – Don’t be afraid to tell your partner how his/her depression is affecting you. My husband was seriously dragging his feet about getting treatment. One day I just broke down crying. He said he had no idea he was bringing me down or that it had such an impact on me. He went to the doctor that week. I’m not saying blame your partner for being depressed, but s/he owes it to you to do what’s possible to get healthy. Depression can make you very self-centered and your partner may have no idea how deeply you’re affected. You do him/her a favor by sharing how you’re being affected.

      Good luck. Drugs can be very helpful but it might take trial and error to get the right mix. If it’s important to you both, make sure your partner pushes to get a mix that won’t unduly affect your sex life. Some drugs are worse than others in this area and newer protocols have fewer seuxal side effects than in the past.

      1. Thanks to you all–I appreciate these suggestions and well wishes.

        Unfortunately, we are in very early days yet, and although I have expressed to my partner the importance of him seeking treatment (yes, with tears), he has not yet done so. I realize that this slowness to act can be a symptom of the depression, but it is very, very hard.

        1. If you are in Houston, I will take you out for a drink. Because anonosaurus, I know how you feel. It’s very painful.

          I suggest that if you continue to feel like it’s dragging you down, please go see a counselor or therapist. I did b/c I could feel myself being pulled down with him.

        2. Then in the meantime focus on things that are somewhat in your control. Almost any mental health care provider he sees will encourage a good sleep schedule, eating healthy (leafy greens, omega 3s, etc.), and exercise in addition to other treatment. He’ll probably happily eat a meal set in front of him because it didn’t involve any thinking on his part. Likewise, see if you can encourage him to join you for a short walk. Tell him you don’t have to talk.

          Things like cooking a real meal or going to the gym seem insurmountable to me when I am depressed but just walking out the front door for 20 minutes is much easier if my husband is there encouraging me to join him for one.

          Also, give it a week, but if he hasn’t called anyone at that point, you might want to think about just making his appointment yourself.

          1. Oh, KLG and Houston Attny, you are both so kind. Unfortunately I am not in Houston, but I will take the sage advice.

            Also unfortunate: it’s been since May that I’ve been asking him to work on this. I think we are approaching too-good-to-leave-too-bad-to-stay territory, but my Type A self is wondering if there is *anything* else I can try . . .

  7. I actually love this. Also, Reiss now has free shipping and returns to the US for all orders over $150 and a ton of stuff on sale. I’ve been wanting to try something, so this may just be it . . .

  8. (Regular poster going anon for this)

    How much do people make? I know this is not considered a polite question but coming off of a round of interviews and salary negotiations, I want to pose it here. I am taking the women-should-negotiate-as-aggressively-as-men advice seriously. But all the advice I read about salary negotiations says that I should see if know people in that profession/company and talk to them to get a sense of salary. Well friends and acquaintances IRL are (not surprisingly) skittish about talking about hard numbers and a vague answer of “I make in the low 6 figures” really doesn’t help. I thought that the anonymity of this forum could help break down the walls of silence around this and may be helpful to others apart from me.

    If you are game, please share your profession, location, years of experience, salary below. To keep it easy to read, let’s have each profession as a new reply to my post and additional comments for that profession as sub-replies. Feel free to go anon for this. And, I am aware that this will upset many commenters who believe there should be no discussion of how much people make. But I am really doing this in the spirit of wanting more transparency around salaries and being able to figure out if I am getting scr*wed in my negotiations. I’ll post the first reply under this post.

      2. NONPROFIT – attorney – NYC, 3 years experience, $60k, fully paid benefits and unlimited PTO

      3. Nonprofit (secondary education) fundraiser, small town Midwest, reporting to the chief executive. Been in the working world just over 10 years and in this field for 8. Thanks to the good advice on this board, I just lobbied for (and got) a raise to $87K.

    2. I’m not sure who the many upset commenters are, but there are often salary discussions here. Since there’s so much industry/region variety, specific requests for info tend to be more successful versus generally finding out lawyers in NYC make $$.

      1. Agree with this – not sure this will be super relevant for the OP’s purposes, but I do always find it to be an interesting overview of the different careers represented here and salary ranges. I also think we have a good pool here of people who could provide some sort of online mentorship or informational interviews or so on, and these types of threads might be helpful to students looking for some more information or direction.

    3. Chicago. $56k, 20 days PTO, 3 yrs work experience, MA in unrelated field. up for a raise next week.

        1. Attorney – civil defense at a mid-sized firm, Los Angeles, 4 years experience, $125k

        2. Attorney – fed gov’t, central VA, 6 years experience but this job is an entry level position (hey recession!) so I make $58K

      2. Attorney. Texas. 6 years at a big firm (making $160k-$210k). Then became a career law clerk to a judge (after two years, now making $72,500).

      10. Small firm – litigation. Northeast. Entering fifth year. $85k/small bonus twice per year, potential for big bonus if a big contingency case hits (hasn’t happened yet).

      13. Attorney – state government, quasi-judicial branch agency. Upper southeast. 3 years experience, $73k.

      15. I’m currently a state law clerk with a publicly available 45K-ish salary.

        Next year, I’ll be a litigation associate at a big-for-being-local firm in Salt Lake City, and will start at around 105K.

      17. Attorney, in-house GC at startup, rural-ish area near DC, 4 yrs experience (former BigLaw), 150k, 3wks PTO

    5. Librarian, DC, 2 yrs FT experience, Masters of Library Science, 47K and 20 days PTO

    6. Senior policy staff (civil service) – 3 years exp, $73k, large urban centre

      1. Policy analyst (Non US federal public service ) – 4 years exp., MSc, $77K, national capital

        1. Also in dc. 2 years experience and law degree. Small non profit, policy analyst. $50k and 20 days vacation. Other great benefits.

    7. Government attorney; 2 years experience; $40k (yes, really); mid-sized Southern city with low cost of living

      1. I should add that I work 8:30-5 everyday without fail, have 3 weeks PTO and great benefits.

        1. I don’t, but we put up with a lot of instability as to both processes and people. Classic golden handcuffs.

          1. I hope my comment didn’t sound rude. I’d just love to make that much (I’m doing just fine, don’t get me wrong, but I mean … ), and finance is actually something I’ve thought I should have gone into since I have a bit of a head for numbers. Just interesting to me!

      2. Finance (asset management), NYC, 7 yrs experience w/ no post-grad degree, $280k last year (mostly bonus), plus $25k fully vested 401(k) contrib. 20 vacation days, starting this year (15 previously), work many late nights / weekends, 65-70 hrs per wk consistently.

    9. One of the best things about this site is that it gives a chance to discuss things that you either really wonder about or really need to know, but really can’t discuss with people in IRL. Personally, if it were up to me, we would all have a culture of openness on salaries – I think it would make things much more fair overall. Fooey on anyone who complains about discussing these things here.

      Anyway, 4th year associate, mid-sized city in the mid-south, small to mid-sized firm (would be small in a larger city), very low cost of living part of the country. Base pay is $75,000. I started last spring, and was told that we should see bonuses of “10, 20, even 30 or more percent”, so I’m hopeful to add to that – notably, I was initially offered $65, and asked for $75 (which was really hard to do, everything in my gut kept telling me ask for $70, but I finally convinced myself to ask for 75 and expect them to counter with $70), which they accepted, but did mention that that may eat into my bonus (which is fine, I guess – As the primary breadwinner, I’d rather see the money as a known base than an unknown bonus).

      Good luck, OP!

      1. 1st year associate, firm is large-for-the-region-but-midlaw-compared-to-NYC/Chicago/etc. Biglaw, 120K.

        more lawyer salaries were discussed on Weekend Open Thread for 4/1/11

        1. In house lobbyist although I’m also an attorney and was at a mid sized firm. I’m in the South and have been out of law school 10 years. I make $135,000 a yer with a bonus dependent on company performance. The past three years, the bonus has been between 15-20%. Great benefits.

        2. Forgot to add 6 yrs experience here in NYC with 3 as in house. Decent benefits with 3 weeks PTO, 2 weeks Sick

      3. Attorney at mid-law firm in Southern California. 4th year, $133k, bonus of ~ 10-15% annually.

      4. $148 k, +6 weeks vacation, pension 42% of highest paid salary if I can manage to stay another 13 yeas. County attorney, 20 years experience,

      5. Attorney, small firm, Chicago, 9 yrs experience, 35 hours/week, no benefits, $60,000

      6. Patent attorney (software/computer focus) Atlanta small firm 1 year experience $125k.

      7. Weighing in quite late to say:

        Public Relations
        Bay Area
        9 years of experience in my direct field
        $375K, inclusive of base and bonus

    14. Attorney, 5 yrs experience, $65K – part-time/25 hrs. week (but no benefits/PTO), lobby organization (DC)

    15. Government affairs – DC 6 years experience. $85,000. 3 weeks vacation and paid for health insurance.

      2. Consultant (political risk), DC, 6 years experience (relevant masters), $80k plus 20% bonus

      3. Consultant for fed govt, DC, 7 yrs exp as attorney, 1 yr as consultant, $120,000 plus bonus (typically 15%).

      4. Consulting, 7 yrs working experience, 5 directly related to job, non-related Masters, Midwest, $76K

      5. Consulting and legal work, 5 yrs attorney experience, less than 1 yr in consulting, all health benefits fully paid, all licensing fees paid, flexible TO, regular working hours, DC – $80k with opp for bonuses of $5k – $10k and regular raises.

    17. Attorney, small-mid sized firm (that only works in a single area of law), NYC, 2 (or maybe 3? it’s complicated) years of experience, $83k.

    19. Attorney, small-medium firm, Boston, 10 years experience, part time (80%), 100K plus 10K bonus.

    20. There is no point in me being anon since my location & profession will reveal me to many regular posters..

      Attorney (big law, finance/corporate), London, 2.5 years admitted (two years as a trainee before then), $110k.

      For reference, as a newly admitted associate, I made $95k which is pretty typical of biglaw in London, but some of the cray-cray white shoe firms (Binghams etc) pay $160k at that level.

      Also, for the record, I wish there was WAY more transparency about salaries, I’m generally happy to share how much I make if people ask.

      1. Like Elle, why go anon?
        Attorney, in Buenos Aires, 10+ years out of law school, LLM, in BigLaw equivalent in BsAs. AR$250K + bonus (generally 2-3 monthly salaries).
        In US$, at the “ofifcial” exchange rate it’s a Llttle under US$50K. At the “actual” exchange rate? a little over US$25K.

        1. Sorry, add to that 4weeks paid vacation, half of my family’s health plan, 3months maternity leave (paid).

    22. im a junior partner in a biglaw firm in chicago. i’ve been practicing for 10 years. i make 300k + bonus potential.

      2. 5th year mid/big-law attorney; $230k + bonus (35k last year). High COL area eats up a lot of it.

    25. Product/Biz side work for an IT company. manager title, director level work (promo coming). 7 years out of college, ~4 years relevant experience. Boston. 94k + 10% bonus.

      1. Product/Biz side work for a software company. We don’t really do titles. 7 years in – $170K last year. Midwest.

    26. medium Midwest city, 1st year associate, boutique law firm, $75k + benefits + bonus for exceeding minimum billables

    27. Attorney, entering 8th year, small firm, San Francisco, $130K plus bonus potential (nothing last year, year before was 30K)

    28. College professor at liberal arts college (9 month contract), 6 years experience, 51k + a little extra if I teach summer courses
      Small Southern city; low cost of living

      1. College staff member at state liberal arts college 2 yrs experience $30,000, benefits, 2 weeks vacation time + sick time that roll over that can be used towards retirement (state also gives an extra week of vacation time every once and a while that is use it or lose it on top of what is normal), flexible work schedule, free gym membership, free parking (which is a big deal in this town) low-ish cost of living area

      2. Higher Ed in Boston. IT. Almost 20 years experience (yikes!), 15 years in my current field. $92K+ with benefits.

      4. Liberal arts college in a city; $92k (a premium for being in the dismal science, I’m sure)

      5. High school teacher in New England private school. 5 years experience, 55K + full benefits + 10% retirement and have I mentioned SUMMER? Lots of vacation time.

    29. attorney at a boutique plaintiff’s firm, DC area. 5 years experience. $87k plus the occasional and very unpredictable bonus. amaaaaazing benefits.

    31. DC. Mid-Size firm. 3 years experience. $140K / year, with very little, if any, bonus potential.

    32. statistical analyst – nonprofit, PNW metro, 7 yrs, $70K with great health but minimal retirement.

      Pay is higher than other employers in the area, but full package (pay, health, retirement) considered.

    33. Surprised to see the range of salaries for people working for the federal government in DC. I guess which agency you work for really matters when it comes to which grade you’re hired at and how quickly you’ll be promoted. I have 10 years of policy experience and gross about $95k as a GS-13. I fantasize about the day I can afford a 2br/2ba apartment near Metro.

      1. Best advice someone gave me early on: try to get on with agencies that aren’t on the GS scale. They have a lot more flexibility for pay and promotion.

    34. I’d just like to share that I interviewed for an attorney position at a small firm in a mid-size southern city and they were offering $35k, with no benefits. It was funny then, but it’s even funnier after reading this thread.

      1. I have a hunch this could be my city. These salaries are far, far higher than a lot of my other attorney friends in small/medium law.

    35. Nor Cal – government relations, 5 years experience, $142k, plus 20% bonus.

      1. I have dreams of working in CA doing government affairs. I feel like it would be equally as hateful as DC, but at the end of the day/weekends you at least get to see the ocean.

    36. Where are all of the STEM folks?

      Engineer, Midwest, 12 years experience, Masters Degree. $85k 32 hrs/week Generous PTO & holiday schedule.

        1. Oh, good! I love reading the advice here, but sometimes feel so out of place being in such a different field from everyone else. :)

      2. Also an engineer. DC metro area. Fed gov’t. 4 years experience with a PhD. I’m breaking $100k this year.

        1. Also an engineer. 4.5 years experience. Northern Cal, but not SF Bay Area. Following is the break up of what I made last year
          Base = 92K
          Bonus = 12K
          Stock = 4K
          Retirement Plan = 6% of base pay
          15 days of PTO, unlimited sick leave
          Very good health coverage

    37. Attorney. Rural South. State government. 22 years experience. 87k. Currently, and through the wnd of the year, working “regular” hours plus evenings and some on weekends. Clearly need new job based on what I see here.

    38. Really no point in going anonymous since I think my profession would out me anyway. Paralegal, 1 year experience, NYC. $42K, opted out of benefits, 40 hrs/wk. Fairly lax office with no set number of sick days, but the workload is extreme. I personally feel that I am not paid enough, but this pays much better than the other jobs I was offered (I’m in my early twenties and so most jobs are entry level and pay $35K or less).

      1. Also Paralegal, 1 year experience, NYC. $35K, but I get reasonable benefits. OT for anything more than 40 hrs/wk, I’m on track this year to make about $15K in OT.

        1. Paralegal, 2 yrs exp, Southern Capital City, $42K, 37.5hrs/week & OT. <$500 bonus dependent on billing hrs.

    39. Thank you for indulging me and sharing your info. It is really interesting to see the range in salaries across and within professions. My current role could be tagged as nonprofit, higher-ed and STEM so it’s interesting to see the salaries in those sectors and figure out what moving fields or jobs or cities would mean. Hopefully this thread was useful to others as well.

    40. Lawyer, mid sized firm for my market. Small compared to NYC, Chicago, etc. 3rd year, $76k with a bonus if I go over my hours goal. Last year the bonus was about 10% of my then-salary.

      1. Feeling pretty good about my salary – attorney in state government in the PNW, 6 years’ experience, $90K + excellent benefits (but I have to pay my own bar dues).

  9. Ugh … Bad day.

    I have a dead-end job I bored with. I went back to school this year to get a diploma which could get me a better job. I had to learn everything from scratch as it was very different from my current job.

    The year ends with an thorough personal project and today was the oral examination. I worked as hard as I could, I really did my best, I took unpaid leave to complete the project . And I was told that I completely missed the point, that my work is a useless, technocratic, boring collection of data without depth or added value. I’ll get my diploma because my other grades are good, but now I know I’m not competent enough to work in this field.

    Not asking for advice or commiseration (the jury was right, my work is just not good, but I didn’t realize it before), just whining a little before going back to my little boring job …
    And to all of you that have good careers : be proud of what you have accomplished !

    1. Just wanted to say I know what you are feeling. I have read about “Imposter Syndrome” and assumed that was why I felt like I was totally a fraud and fooling everyone into believing I could do something important. I graduated high school at the top of my class, got and engineering degree from MIT, and have worked in a prestigious research job.

      However, there are so many days when I think I am just not cut out for this, I am terrible at my job, and I should just give up be a SAHM. Seriously. I don’t know how I’ve gotten this far, and I think my current employer is starting to realize I’m not really that awesome.

      So, I hear you. Those of you with good careers, competent at your jobs – congrats.

      1. (OP here)
        Thanks, that exactly what I feel ! Are you in my head ?

        Except that it’s not really Imposter Syndrome when the examiners themselves say I’m not cut out for this job. Too bad …

        Engineering degree from MIT ? Woah …

        1. (still OP) Just reread my answer and it sounds weird … I hope you don’t think I’m making fun of you (English is not my native language). I really appreciate your answer and you completely nailed down the situation. And my “woah” is appreciative !

          1. No, I understand what you meant :) I’m glad there are others who feel like I do- maybe we just haven’t found the right career for us yet?? Sigh.

      2. Know what? There are a lot of people that are terrible at their jobs. The worst of them don’t realize it. I work with many very well paid folks that are complete morons. I got over my imposter syndrome once I realized that.

    2. Honestly, I’m in grad school now, and I feel you on imposter syndrome.

      HOWEVER. Some of this should be on your grad program. I cannot imagine how a project of the magnitude you’re implying had so little oversight that you got that reaction from an oral exam board. Do not let this one project make you believe you are not competent enough to work in your field. Remember all of those other grades that are allowing you to still get your diploma? Don’t they also have some significance for your ability to work in this field?

      And also–you learned that your work wasn’t good enough. That sucks and I’m sorry, but you can also take that as a learning experience: your work isn’t good enough YET. That doesn’t mean it never will be. It just means that you have to figure out what you did wrong, make a plan for fixing it in the future, and then carry it out.

      1. + a million. Do you have a project supervisor/thesis advisor you can turn to for advice? Or a professor you have a decent relationship with that you could ask for advice? You learned that you absolutely have the technical skills and you need to work on strategic skills – that doesn’t mean you’re totally useless and the whole year was a waste. Ask for some advice on how to develop those big picture, issue-identifying skills!

      2. yes, this! I had a capstone project for my masters and had to give an oral presentation. I had multiple rehearsals with my adviser and looking back, I still probably “missed the point” on a few elements. But your grad school should have been coaching you and guiding you to help you succeed.

      3. It was a special program for adults who work on the side. So we had no oversight whatsoever from teachers (they assumed that we were grown-ups, so able to work on our own – which is fair enough), neither before nor after.

        I can’t honestly apply for a job when I know I botched up this one. I cannot lie and tell people they should hire me because I’m so awesome. I’ve never been able to, it’s become a running joke in my family.

        However, I hear you on the “what did I do wrong?” and I plan to brainstorm with myself during the week-end, once the sting had subsided and I got some rest.

        1. Yeah, but this isn’t really about whether you can work on your own – your grad program should have been checking in with you at various points along the way to avoid precisely what happened today. I’m sorry this happened to you – I would feel completely discouraged in your position. I think you’re right to take the weekend to think things over, but I also want to encourage you not to be quite so hard on yourself. Getting a job isn’t a matter of convincing some employer that you’re awesome – it’s a matter of convincing the employer that you have have the skills and ability to do the job, and that you have the capacity to learn what you don’t know.

          1. Thank you so much for your support! Hopefully one day I’ll be able to put that bad experience aside …

      4. +1

        My undergraduate capstone required monthly meetings with my project adviser, a presentation a committee, and relentless peer editing. And this was for undergrad. I’m shocked that your grad program provided so little guidance. This is at least partially on them.

    3. I’m going to say you deserve more than commiseration. I think your program did you a disservice by letting you go so far down that rabbit hole. Seeing what you wrote makes me think that their student-advisory services could be improved.

      As for you – please do not walk away from this bad experience thinking that you aren’t capable or intelligent enough for this career path.

      My only bit of constructive criticism for you is: if advisors aren’t forthcoming w/guidance next time in whatever project you’re doing (either for school or work), it’s on you to seek out feedback at mileposts and to find good advisors and mentors who can give you useful feedback.

      Don’t give up and don’t beat yourself up.

      1. Thank you, and everyone who replied… It means a lot to me, since you all are basically my benchmark for successful women.

        It will take some time to put this blow aside, but hopefully I’ll be able to move on in the next months.

      2. And having this extra degree may open doors that you didn’t even consider before.

        There are many people that have JDs and don’t practice law (and would be awful at it!) but “use their degree” in the sense that they are in management, or HR, or some other related field. Just because they failed one big class doesn’t mean they should write off The Law completely.

        Your degree is what gets you in the door – it’s your own brain that gets you competent in your job, and sometimes a degree is required, even though it’s not used at all.

  10. I was so thrilled to watch Bill De Blasio’s speech last night — he is running for NYC mayor — and see him introduce his wife as Chirlane McCray. Whatever your horse in the name change game, it’s so nice to see a politician flouting the traditional norms this way and no one giving a sh*t.

  11. Piggy backing off the salary question, can any lawyers speak to what time of year their firm does raises (if your firms still do an annual raise?). I’m not expecting much but I also don’t want to let time go by if I should be asking

    5. Mid-size So Cal firm: self-reviews in the fall; annual reviews Oct/Nov (or whenever the partners who are supposed to do them finally schedule them); notification of raise/bonus in early Dec. Actual raise kicks in on 1/1.

    6. Small firm, yearly review is on your date of hire anniversary which for me is July.

    7. 1st anniversary, then after that, end-of-calendar-year review for raises that go into effect at beginning of new calendar year

  12. I just signed up for a 10k on Halloween weekend- so, I’m wondering if anyone has any good running costume ideas?

    1. Black toenail
      GU
      Steve Prefontaine (I know someone who went as Steve Post-Fonataine and he was dressed very dead looking)

      1. Hah! Now I want to dress up as Steve Postfontaine :) Just don’t try that in Eugene…

    2. This is HORRIBLE, but once my boyfriend and I did a 5K and he was dressed all in black as “black lung”

      1. Awesome, and it would be so easy to pull off, since I already have a ton of running clothes in black….though this makes me think that I should be a ninja or cat-burglar, or something else that involves wearing all black…

    5. Anything with ears and tail? You can wear black gear with cat ears and tail, red gear with devil horns and tail, white gear with bunny ears and tail. I would have a hard time running in anything other than running gear so I think the most I could pull off is ears and a tail, personally.

      1. I agree entirely on having a tough time running in anything other than running gear. This summer I did a Stampede 5k, and a guy ran in full cowbow outfit, including boots and a lasso, and his dog wearing a “saddle”. He looked like he was usually speedy, but definitely was having a tough time within a mile or so.

        I think I’ve decided on cat-burglar- black running tights, striped or back tech long sleeve (I have black already, I’m going to try to find a striped one), a black toque (important, end of October is quite chilly here), and I’ll wear cat-ears, maybe a mask, maybe a tail, and find some of “money bag” to be running with.

        1. For the “money bag” you could either get a little bit of burlap and make a little pouch and paint a dollar sign on it, or even get a plain canvas tote and paint a design on it? I don’t know if that makes any sense. I can see it perfectly in my head but can’t figure out how to explain it. Sigh. Mid-afternoon slump.

    6. I’ve had a few friends do superhero(ine)s. Get the high socks with the capes on them. Wear a cape. Running skirt or tights and a t shirt or tank with said hero(ine)’s logo.

  13. Doctor rec TJ: Does anyone have any urologist recommendations in DC, specifically those who focus on female urology. I previously saw someone who didn’t specialize in female urology and while he did the normal course of testing, I don’t feel like he followed through, or really understood, as well as I would have liked. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated!

    2. I saw Dr. Joel in the Virginia Hospital Center and do not recommend him. He was not female-urology-issue focused at all.

  14. I have a what to wear TJ. Tomorrow I am going to the home of the general counsel of my Fortune 100 company to watch the America’s Cup races from her rooftop patio. I am an attorney here, the GC is my boss’ boss. There will be about 20 people, all in house counsel from our company, present. We are going from work and encouraged to take the afternoon off after the event. Most people dress bus-cas leaning more towards the casual though generally if I knew I was meeting with the GC I would wear a suit. Treat this as a sporting event?

    1. I personally would not wear a suit for this event, even if coming from work, unless your office was business professional/required a suit daily. Even then, I would wear a suit where I could shed the jacket and be cute and comfortable for the afternoon. Not sure what your weather is like, but I would probably wear pants or a pencil skirt in a more “fun” color like kelly green, a silk blouse like what was being discussed above or some other shell, and a cardigan that you felt comfortable wearing or not depending on the weather on the patio.

      1. Oh yeah I’m not planning to wear a suit, just mentioned that to say at work I would normally step it up in front of the GC. I think it will be mid-70s, though it may get a little windy.

    2. Don’t wear a suit. Without knowing much about your office, this sounds like an occasion for dark-wash trouser jeans, a pretty shell or blouse, and a jacket or cardigan. The three pieces give it style, the jacket or cardigan provides structure, and the jeans make it clear that you’re going to a daytime event at someone’s home. I’d pair all of that with walkable heels. And be sure to layer, given the weather these days in SF.

    3. What about cropped trousers or a more casual (perhaps colorful or printed) pencil skirt with a blouse/shell and a coordinating blazer or cardigan? You could go with flats or wedges if you wanted to up the casual factor. I personally wouldn’t wear jeans.

      1. +1. Or a work-appropriate dress in a fun color or print with a cardigan/blazer. I would try to stick with classic shapes but use color/print to make it more casual. A ponte dress would be great because the fabric is really comfortable and can be dressed up or down. Obviously, make sure that any dress/skirt can withstand windy weather without a wardrobe malfunction!

    4. Definitely treat it as a sporting event. If you want to dress it up a little, I’d go for either nicer jeans with flats or a dress (tomorrow’s supposed to be a bit warmer than today), but I’d keep it casual for sure. I think you’ll feel really out of place in a suit, especially if you don’t have some other reason for wearing one like “just came from court.”

  15. Ugh. So DH has been looking for work all summer after his start-up went under. He just got a job offer doing *exactly* what he wants to do, at a more-than-fair market rate.

    It’s a hellish commute/ halfway across the state, so he will spend 3-4 hours commuting until we move. We can’t move until at least the spring, so the next 6 months to a year will be gross. We’re also about to have a baby.

    And, it’s at a company that is a direct competitor to mine. He does things that are totally different from me, but still, he’s now technically in my industry. He’ll be going in to do biz processes/operations optimization (so, all internal ops stuff). I work in product and in the one market sector in which the two firms don’t overlap…

    So…it just feels kind of icky. I don’t like that he’d have such a rough commute, I don’t like that all of a sudden DH is not only in my industry but also working for a company a little too close to my industry.

    But he’s been unemployed, and this is A Job, and it’s more or less pushing him forward in the right direction, so it’s hard not to be supportive. Ya know?

    1. Any chance that until you move, your DH could find a small studio or a PG situation close to his new job and then stay there from Monday to Thursday? Kind of like how consultants work for out-of-town gigs. It will make a huge difference in his sanity and allow him to focus on his new job. Also lets you both keep shop talk out of your everyday conversations and use your weekends to just spend time together.

      1. I was going to suggest the same thing. Or even sublet a room in a house, depending on what the housing market is like.

      2. That’s what I’d normally suggest, but I’m about to have a baby and be out on maternity leave…so a terrible time for him to be out M-R!

        1. First: congratulations to your husband for getting a job doing exactly what he wants to do! I see how it might feel icky with the industry overlap – but I think those feelings will work themselves out as he gets into the work. And fortunately, it’s easier to get a job when you have a job – so maybe think of this as just positioning him (or you) for the next step into a company that is not a direct competitor.

          As for the commute: can he negotiate for 1-2 days working from home in light of the commute? Alternatively, given that you are going on maternity leave, any chance that the two of you can move earlier than the spring?

          Good luck. It sounds like there will be hard things, but that they will be worth it.

          1. Nope, can’t move until spring at the earliest. Has nothing to do with my job (I actually work remotely most of the time).

            We own our home and putting it up for sale, figuring out where to go, and finding something that’s a good fit (with a newborn, in the winter, across the state) is just not going to happen. Much less trying to get our house in “selling shape” with a brand new baby. And we can’t really afford to pay the mortgage on our current house AND rent a [decent] house that has room for our family (inc. a big ‘ol dog).

          2. Oh…and working remotely isn’t an option. At least not in the beginning as this is a very “face time required” role.

          3. Anony – I’ve never had a kid so maybe I’m totally underestimating the life disruption. But, it seems to make sense to get a small temp place near his work. While you are on maternity leave, you can stay there a few nights/week with him. I have a big dog too and had to move for a job and we did just fine renting a cheap city condo for a year while we figured things out. You could probably rent a 1 br and when staying there put the baby in the living room at night if you don’t want him/her in your BR.

            You could also rent your current place out for 6 months or a year. You can hire movers if you don’t want your stuff there w/ renters or you can rent it out furnished. The move I mention above was on short notice with very little money. Would his new company pay moving expenses? Mine did. So, we hired movers to pack, move unpack. We rented out our house and we rented the first cheap dog allowing condo we found.

            My guess is that once baby is here, you will need to be near your husband more than you will need space and fancy things. Baby’s really don’t take up much room, so I’ve heard.

          4. ….a “small temp place near his work” that could accommodate me, baby and dog would be MINIMUM $1500/month. More like $2k if we wanted 2 bedrooms.

            Which isn’t a lot in terms of rent, but it IS a lot on top of our mortgage ($3k). We could afford it, but I’d much rather use that $1500/month (plus whatever we lose renting out our home, which I doubt we could do for $3k) and put it toward the downpayment on a home that we’d eventually move into.

            We could rent out our home, but it’s in the ‘burbs and will take a while to find a tenant. And most tenants are terrible. And then we’ll have to sell WITH a tenant inside, and deal with the cost of property maintenance.

            New company is not paying moving expenses.

            All that to say…even moving to a temp location and dealing with the house would take a couple of months to orchestrate. And by that time, I”m back to work and the daycare we have lined up is by the OLD house (who knows what the wait list looks like near the job….).

            We’ll see how all this plays out. He seems to think the commute won’t be THAT bad (he’s wrong; I’ve done a similar one before). I have enough hotel points from my consulting days to give him the option of staying at the hotel across the street a few nights a week for now. There is a way to do the commute via public transportation (+ car) that I’m suggesting- drive all the way in on Monday, take public transit Tues-Thurs (there’s a train stop about 15 minutes from the office, so he’d use his car up there during the week to go from station to office), drive home Friday. Then at least he can relax on the train, even if it is a longer trip that requires me to pick him up/drop him off at the station near us midweek. Beats driving home in a snowstorm.

            Just kind of $hitty that this opportunity, which is really a good-but-not-great opportunity in terms of career and a TERRIBLE location, is his only option for the time being, and we’re both worried about waiting for something much more ideal to come along.

          5. Anonywife – that situation just really sucks and I’m sorry the timing worked out that way for you. I tend to forget when I write on this blog that I live in a very low cost of living area. It sucks that you are in a position to make the choices you have to make right now. Your hotel points sound like an awesome idea, particularly if he has an unexpected late night or there is a storm.

        2. Will DH get paternity leave? If not then with his commute and new job responsibilities, he may not be able to help out much anyways. I say this as a very recent first-time mom whose DH had a brutal work schedule and couldn’t get any paternity leave. I relied on other family to help through the first weeks; it was the best decision for our family because he was in no position to help with middle of the night diaper changes or spend more than 20-30 minutes with the baby every day. Now that my DH has more flexibility in his calendar, he is making up for lost time. If you can work remotely, I agree with the above poster’s suggestion to rent out your house and get a smaller place in new city

          1. He’s taking 2 weeks unpaid, since baby is scheduled to come during what will be week 3 of the new job.

            We are looking at the rental options (both renting new and renting out our existing home) but renting out our house is going to be a huge PITA. At best, we could have that buttoned up by the holidays, maybe. And the last thing I want to be doing during my entire mat leave is packing the entire house. And tenants, should we find them, have a 50/50 chance of being awful (because landlording stinks, not because of our home or anything!). Ugh.

          2. I had to put off a house move because of baby’s early arrival so I know exactly what a hassle it is to attempt to juggle both. I like your suggestion of taking the train all the way in to go to new city and back and then using public transit in between. But for your sanity, I’d advise figuring out a way to handle new baby by yourself (or with help from family/friends) and treating any help your husband gives as a welcome bonus. This is in no way meant to be anti-feminist but unless your DH has way more energy than most people, IMHO, he is underestimating the toll that a 4 hour commute and new job will take on his ability to be a present and active new dad.

  16. TJ: I have THE WORST cramps today. Bad enough to warrant Ellen caps. I had to go into work an hour late because the Aleve I popped took forever to take effect, and I could hardly stand up straight without debilitating pain.

    Any suggestions for alleviating really horrible cramps? I’m going to the gym after work because exercise is usually helpful, but any other suggestions would be so helpful. I’m at work now and even with the painkillers I’m in nausea-inducing pain.

    1. if you have your own office or a room you can lock, I sometimes find laying on my back, pulling my knees in to my chest and sort of rolling them around (massaging your lower back) can be helpful. There’s a yoga term for this, but it’s escaping me. Good luck!

      1. These plus a glass of red wine are the best things I’ve found for it, but for some weird reason, they really don’t like when you keep a bottle of red at your desk.

    3. go to the drug store (if you can) and buy a one time use heating pad intended for sore lower backs or necks. they have a good adhesive backing and will stick to your lower abdomen and stay nice and warm all afternoon.

    4. Is there a drugstore close to you? See if they have those heating pads you can stick to your stomach – I think they’re by thermacare and you can put them on under your clothes and they help a lot.

    5. Electric heating pad! The microwave ones are OK, but electric is where it’s at for horrible cramps. Turn it up high and you should feel relief in 20 mins or so.

      1. I bring my big flax seed heating pad to work when I have cramps and basically throw it in the microwave every 10 min or so. only way I can make it through the day sometimes.

    6. Take four ibuprofen – prescription dose. If it happens regularly, look into starting or adjusting your current dose of hormonal birth control. Throwing up helps, if you feel the urge.

    7. When mine are debilitating, 4 ibuprofen like Anon above suggested… And if I’m not at work, white wine is an absolute miracle worker.

    8. Talk to your lady doc about getting a prescription for naproxen (Aleve). I take an 800 mg pill every 8 hours for the duration of my cramps or else I spend the day in bed praying for death. I also second the heating pads.

  18. To Equity’s Darling and all you other serious nail polish aficionadas out there: I haven’t done my fingernails in ages and I feel like I need to. I am feeling autumn-ish, but I want inspiration. Any great new colours out there that I should go take a look at on my lunch break today?

    1. I am not a nail polish aficionado, but I sort of want to try a navy or deep plum

      1. I am not a nail polish aficionado, but I sort of want to try a navy or deep plum

    2. Hmm, I really like Butter’s fall collection, I haven’t been to see it in person yet, but I think I’ll end up getting Giddy Kipper, Pimms and Cotton Buds. I also like Illamasqua’s Hemlock, and Nars looks like they have a nice metallic gray.

      Unlike last year, this fall seems to be staying pretty colourful with a lots of jewel tones and metallics, wich makes me a little sad because I love the richer dark tones and nudes that usually show up in colder weather, but c’est la vie I suppose?

      Alchemie from Chanel also looks pretty amazing, though I don’t always love Chanel’s formulas, and Dior has Galaxie and Destin, which both look right up my alley in terms of tone and colours, though again, all of these are metallics which are sometimes a pain to remove and sometimes a little much for work.

    3. I’ve been in the mood for Butter London’s Royal Navy recently. Dark to feel fall-ish, but, in my opinion, a little “bluer” than a true navy, so it doesn’t feel weird since it’s not capital F fall yet (at least not in DC — hello, 90 F day!)

      1. Okay I’m in moderation because the link I posted had a word that is moderated:

        My favorite fall color is Finger paints Meet me at the Met. It’s kind of pewter.
        It’s also perfect for adding Saints decals!

    6. I picked up Essie For the Twill of It at CVS the other day and love it. The color changes so much throughout the day and I got tons of compliments.

    7. I’m super excited for the gorgeous jewel tones that are in this fall. I just picked up a beautiful navy at Duane Reade yesterday and can’t wait to wear it!

  19. Also, I was rereading yesterday’s thread about changing your last name, and I just wanted to point out that all of the women talking about how women perpetuate patriarchy by taking their husbands’ last names seemed to neglect to talk about how marriage itself is patriarchal.

    I mean the very idea of giving your daughter away, the idea of a dowry, of a bride price…yes, many of these are now outdated, but COME ON. The groom’s family used to literally pay for his bride. I feel like if you’re going to judge other women about their choices (because let’s call it what it is, please) and talk about feminism/patriarchy, your analysis should at least be properly contextualized and accurate.

    1. I agree with you Brooklyn. One of my points yesterday that sort-of got lost was that feminism is having the choice, not the choice you make. Deciding to keep your name is no more feminist than deciding to take your husbands name, or to use both etc.

      1. I think that’s kind of a simplistic way to look at it, to be honest. Feminism is having the choice; it is also about looking at how particular choices are compelled by society as a whole; and it is about looking at what will ensure our daughters and grand-daughters (and even our peers) will have as many options as possible, both legally but also culturally. Legally, you have the choice to change your name or not. Culturally, many more women than men make that choice, and it is feminist to look at the reasons why and not just dismiss them as someone’s choice.

        That doesn’t mean that any woman “should” make a particular choice at the risk of being called non-feminist. It does mean that if we’re really serious about societal equality, we should be interrogating the choices we, as women, make in the aggregate instead of just dismissing them as “choices.”

        2. This. You don’t make choices in a vacuum. All of the common reasons that women give for changing their names (difficult to pronounce, bad family relationships, wanting everyone to have the same name, etc) also apply to men, but you almost never see them changing their names, or even considering it. It’s naive at best to think that patriarchy has nothing to do this.

          It certainly doesn’t mean that women who change their names aren’t feminists or a bad feminists (there’s a good chance that I’ll change mine when I get married), but some choices are definitely more feminist or “equality promoting” than others.

          2. Thanks. The main reason DH cited for not changing his name was that it’s not common for men to do so (though it’s also the case that my last name would sound terrible with his). He really wanted us to have the same name though. Approaching our wedding I didn’t have strong feelings about my last name one way or another, but when it got closer I realized that even if I didn’t love my last name…it was part of my identity (professionally and personally). Changing it was a big deal, and something DH wasn’t willing to do just because others would find it weird. Well, more people find it weird that I didn’t change my name, but I would have felt totally alien with a new last name.

            The baby on the way will likely have DH’s last name, though. We’re giving her a first and middle name that comes from my ethnic heritage. Interestingly, some have suggested the practice of giving girls their mother’s last name and boys their father’s. Logistically, I’ve heard it’s a lot harder for men to have a different last name than their kids (like for travel etc) than it is for women…which is all about cultural assumptions about parents, but there you go.

        3. +1. Yes to all of this. It also struck me as lazy-thinking or avoidance to slide into taking your husband’s name just “to have the same [sur]name as my kids”.

          Which is as patriarchal and full of unexamined assumptions as one can get. First, it presumes that the kids will automatically get the husband’s surname which is definitely patriarchal, especially when it’s women who do all the work in gestating and giving birth.

          1. were you referring that comment to me? Suggesting that my thinking was lazy because one of the reasons i wanted the same last name as my husband is so that my kids also have the same last name as us? because wow.

            I do consider myself a feminist. And yes, i took my husbands last name, for a lot of reasons.

            The problem here is really women like you, and some of the others on here, who are putting other women down for the totally rational decisions they make. I’m not putting anyone down — or even judging their decision — when a women decides to keep her own name. I believe that is a choice we get.

            And your comment regarding a child automatically getting the husbands surname is actually the law in many states. That doesnt make it right, but it is automatic.

          2. The problem is that you want your cake and eat it. You want to make a choice that’s not feminist but still get affirmed by all other women. Part of being an adult is knowing that you won’t get blanket approval on your choices just because it was your choice.

            Whatever your motives are – they’re invisible to outsiders. All they see is that you’ve conformed with tradition.

          3. So the answer, Susedna, is that yes, you were calling my choice lazy. and so its hard for me to take someone seriously who resorts to name-calling.

            But in any event, I dont want my cake and eat it too, and i dont care to be affirmed by other women. My entire point here is that I i dont believe it is appropriate for other women (on this site, i guess, becuase this is the first time ive ever encountered someone criticizing me for this choice) to criticize my choice regarding my and my family’s last name and call it feminism. criticizing other women for their choices works exactly against feminism.

            the discussion of social trends is one thing, but name calling and judging is something else and its just not productive, on this site or elsewhere.

            And FWIW, i simply do not agree that my choice wasnt in line with feminist principles.

          4. That you bothered to reply in such a way belies your assertion that you don’t take me seriously. You do take what I said seriously and it rankles.

            Anybody can believe she or he’s a feminist but take actions that aren’t feminist. I know a guy who works for one of the companies responsible for the Gulf Oil spill who asserts that he cares about the environment and is pro-green even though his career and actions are completely not.

            Between talk and actions, I choose actions as revealing where one’s sympathies really lie. And it’s actions that affect the playing field. In my book, both you and that oilman are either delusional or hypocritical.

        4. I just disagree. You should be interrogating the choices you make, not the choices i make under the guise of feminism. Calling me (and others) out for taking our husband’s name, regardless of whether we had reasons that you or someone else may deem valid, does not fix the problem. Nor does suggesting that my choice to take my husband’s name promotes socital inequality.

          1. No, we are allowed to discuss social trends in the proper context. Listen, I would never tell someone they shouldn’t have changed their name; that’s an individual choice which there are many, many reasons to make, and which should be respected. I get that. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t discuss why, in generally, so many women change their names when so few men do, and the broader social implications of that. That is not an attack on individuals and shouldn’t be taken as such.

          3. If you and your husband want your family to have one uniting surname, that’s fine.

            But why does it have to be his name?

            Did *your* state require the children to have his last name? I’ve never heard of that.

          4. On a broader issue, are we really such a PC society now that we have to either censor ourselves or automatically applaud every woman’s choice merely because it’s her choice?

            It’s true that for so long, women have been denigrated for merely being women. So I understand the impulse to counter that by laying on extra affirmation.

            In a yet broader issue, if a thing that’s done collectively by a large group of people makes a huge difference, why is it bad to focus on what an individual does? Large groups of people are comprised of individuals all doing that thing (whatever it is – keeping a maiden name, creating a new hybrid name, hyphens, taking the husband’s name.)

            It seems false to comment cogently on an issue on a large-scale societal level but turn a blind eye to it on the individual level.

            Finally, stepping back even further, why is “judgment” a bad word here? Everything we do in life involves judgment. I made a judgment when I chose to hire G. instead of D. I made a judgment when I decided not to go on another date with P. I made a judgment when I crossed the street to avoid having to pass directly by a large group of drunk loud guys coming out of a frat party.

            Societal rules and ultimately laws are formed because a critical mass of people have made a judgment that X is good or bad. It seems phoney to not apply judgment and worse to silently judge but not speak it and open it up for debate, however contentious.

    2. Do you mean that, historically, marriage was affected by patriarchy? Or that the very institution of marriage, even today, is patriarchal? If the former, sure, because, hey, almost every society was intensely patriarchal so of course one of its central institutions would be as well. But if you’re talking about modern marriage, I just don’t see it. As for “giving away” the bride, yes, I agree with you there. Although I’d also say we shouldn’t completely conflate “marriage” with “wedding.” Sure, how we handle weddings says something about our view of marriage as a society, but it takes an extra leap to say that having a patriarchal wedding custom means that marriage itself must be partriarchal.

      1. I mean the former. I agree with you on all fronts, including the conflation of marriage and wedding, which I think I did in my comment.

        My point is largely that those that were so quick to judge women for taking their husbands’ last names and “perpetuating patriarchy” that they should maybe shift their judgement to a long history of patriarchy instead of side-eyeing the women that make a very personal decision.

        I actually find that throwing around the term “patriarchy” at every decision that isn’t feminist enough take agency away from women, which is itself problematic.

        2. I thought it was a fairly non-judgmental conversation, actually. Asking these questions isn’t an attack. And I didn’t see anyone saying that women shouldn’t have the choice to take their husbands’ names on marriage, simply that the choice isn’t made in a vacuum. Admittedly, I talk a fairly behavioralist view of the world, but our choices are informed by the culture, and we ought to be able to admit that.

    3. In a similar vein, it annoys me to no end that women who oppose taking their husband’s last name on the grounds of ‘feminism’ ignore the fact that their maiden name is most likely their father’s last name. It’s the same patriarchal structure! It’s even sadder when they replace their middle name (a name chosen for them as an individual) with their maiden name (a name given by default to associate them with their father’s family).

      1. I’ve never seen anyone ignore this. What I’ve seen is women saying something to the effect of “we have to start somewhere.” And also “that was my name for X decades; it might have come from my father, but now it’s mine.”

          2. She probably knows the people who were posting on this very topic on this very site, only yesterday.

      2. I don’t think they’re ignoring that fact. The fact that most maiden names come from the father is a red-herring.

        The crux issue for many feminists is: for men and women, the surname you were born with and likely lived with for 18 or more yrs is part of your identity. Expecting only the woman to lose ythat identity upon marriage is patriarchal.

        1. but this is the problem. not everyone sees that name as part of their “identity” and assuming that they do is judgmental and patriatrchial itself. My identity involves so much more than the last name i was born with. And from what i can tell, for those who do believe its part of their identity, it is no longer expected that women lose that part of their identity. that is why we have choice.

          1. So do you have a theory as to why so few men change their names when compared to women? Shouldn’t we expect it to be about 50/50 if this was just about whether an individual thinks their name is part of their identity and their own choice?

          2. Not sure about the states but in the Uk I could change my name free of charge when I married earlier this year and I could change documents such as my passport in advance. My husband would have been charged for the privilege and couldn’t change his docs in advance. In this case the system doesn’t prevent a feminist choice, but makes equal options more difficult.

        2. I asked this late on the other thread, but I am interested in knowing what same-sex couples are doing re: names?

          1. I have known couples that have 1) picked the easier last name, 2) hyphenated, 3) combined their old names into a new one for both, and 3) picked a brand new last name for both.

            It almost seems easier, because the choice isn’t so loaded with gender expectations.

      1. I can’t tell if you’re calling me crazy or making a joke or what but I feel like this is laden with snark?

        1. I’m guessing it goes below with the “smash the patriarchy ring” discussion.

    5. Plenty of people have critiqued the institution of marriage itself on feminist grounds; this is not a new thing. Other people have recognized that they’re participating in something with patriarchal roots but decided it’s worth doing anyway. The issue is denying these things are grounded in patriarchy; not then choosing to participate.

      1. I don’t see anyone denying that this has patriarchal roots. But what I take issue with is this weird form of calling people out for perpetuating patriarchy in making a very personal decision that is no one else’s business. Patriarchy is pervasive, right? Like, our society is steeped in it. I believe that most, if not all, the women here are aware of that.

        Taking–or not taking–your husband’s last name is a personal decision that, frankly, I don’t think anyone else has any say in. I think it’s incredibly disrespectful. This is a decision that a woman is able to make now; yes, there are patriarchal roots, but it’s not a forced matter anymore. And throwing accusations of perpetuating patriarchy totally rake away the agency that women have in that decision.

          1. I wish Kate Spade made a Smash the Patriarchy ring. Seriously, no snark. I would buy it.

        2. Calling out individuals is obnoxious, I agree. Discussing general societal trends on a blog post that specifically asks for that discussion is different, though, and shouldn’t be interpreted as calling out individuals.

          1. Is it though?

            Sometimes, a blog populated by internet strangers is where you get the uncomfortable truth as an individual.

            There are touchy things my family, partner, friends, and close colleagues can’t bring up with me and not change our relationship for the worse.

            But they are sometimes things I needed to hear.

            Individuals make up groups. Groups are not monolithic. Not calling out individuals seems like a special carveout. Grassroots change is great and works because we go door to door and talk to and sometimes cheer on or debate individuals.

    6. One of my very best friends refuses to attend weddings of any description for this very reason.

      I really want him to come to mine but given his stance on the matter I’m afraid it will be an uphill battle, even though we’ve known each other for 20 years.

    7. Well, my dad didn’t give me away, I didn’t have a dowry or bride price, etc. So who cares? I got married because of how marriage works in my life right now, not how it would have worked if I had gotten married in another time or place.

      To put things in a broader perspective, I went to a college that refused to accept blacks before a certain time period (and loved it), I live very well in a state that where slavery was legal, I pay taxes to governments that formerly denied my very humanity, etc. As a black person, I regularly interact with institutions with strong histories of racism. But what matters most to me is what the institution is right now.

      As for naming in particular, I wish the convention was that people chose a completely different surname to signify the change. Oh well.

      1. I should have clarified: I don’t believe that marriage is currently a patriarchal institution. My point was not very well made I guess (long day thus far, sorry ladies), but I meant to indicate that marriage is also steeped in patriarchy, but no one is slinging accusations that every married woman is perpetuating patriarchy.

        I liked TBK’s comment, and especially her distinction between marriage and weddings.

        1. Maybe no one is slinging accusations of perpetrating patriarchy at marriage because while marriage has patriarchal roots, it’s possible and common to have an equal marriage now, while the patriarchal practice of changing names continues to exist in a more old-fashioned patriarchal way, meaning it’s largely women who change or seriously consider changing their names, and then have to justify changing or keeping their names, while men’s names remain the same, unaffected by marital status and men’s choice to not change is largely unquestioned (except in discussions like yesterday’s). Also, possibly because the original post was about marital name change, not whether to participate in the institution of marriage.

    8. I’m going to second Em and Batgirl.

      And I missed yesterday’s discussion but wanted to add my own experience, particularly on the child’s name question. I kept my family name (yes, technically my father’s, although during the not-diversity-friendly 1950s he changed from his father’s long and more difficult to pronounce Spanish surname to an Irish-side family name that’s short and easy) and personally would not have considered changing to a husband’s name. DH and I have been married 24 years and have never had any issues or problems with hospital visits, travel or anything else. Very occasionally someone will seem a bit confused — as if they’ve never heard of spouses having different names — but they get over it. (Sometimes I do still get called Mrs. Husbandname or Jules Husbandname and depending on the circumstances I usually say “actually, it’s Jules Myname” or I just let it go. On the other side of that coin, DH sometimes gets called Mr. Myname and our dry cleaner wrote my last name in all his shirts — he can’t divorce me without buying all new shirts!)

      When we were planning to have a baby we discussed it and eventually decided to give our child my last name, not his. I don’t love DH’s last name, and it’s frequently misspelled (there are people in my family who still get it wrong, even on an engraved gift we got some time ago) and he also has brothers who have given their children his family name. I’m from a family of all girls and it was clear to me that my sisters’ children all would have their fathers’ names, so there would be no kids with our last name. And it just seemed like a tiny little blow against the patriarchy. Our son is now 18 and as far as I know has never had any problems or issues either with the fact that his parents have different last names or that his is not the same as his father’s. Nor do we feel any less like a family.

      Our young, male associate is married to another lawyer who kept her name (which is a hyphenate of her parents’ names). They have a toddler and another child on the way and have combined parts of their two last names to make a new name for their children. (Think Bronstein and Miller-Marks, combined to make Markstein.) I personally love this idea, although obviously it would depend on the names.

      1. This.

        Due to divorces & and re-marriages, I grew up in an immediate family with 4 different last names. We all survived fine.

        In my personal experience, having different last names than your parents or kids is not a big deal at all.

        When a phone call or unsolicited mail came for “Mr. Wrongname,” we knew it was asking for money.

  20. Question for DC/Baltimore area ‘rettes – I have to go to Baltimore on business & am having a hard time finding a direct flight at a good time; it looks like DC is close, but is this a viable alternative? Is it really close in reality to fly into DC and then get to Baltimore? Could I take a cab? Is there a better way to go? Thanks in advance!

    1. No, flying into dc and taking a cab isn’t really a viable alternative. Its about 40 miles. You COULD rent a car but traffic around here can be horrible as I’m sure you’ve heard. If you are in NYC/boston could you take a train?

    2. BWI is mostly Southwest, so if SWA flies out of your home airport, you should check their site. I don’t think their flights go on Kayak. I get from DC to BWI using the MARC train, but it takes you into Union Station, which is two metro lines away from DCA. IAD is inconvenient to me personally, so I don’t know as much about it.

      1. Switching planes in an airport for an indirect flight would be much more convenient than switching cities after you land.

        1. +1.

          I think it is silly to fly to DC and then hike up to Baltimore. the main reason most people fly into Baltimore and then hike it to DC is because the fares are much cheaper.

    3. I don’t know what your budget is, but is hiring a Towncar or driver a possibility? I’m not familiar w/ the area, but sometimes a car is easier than flying into a weird airport, changing planes or renting a car.

    4. They’re about an hour apart by car, not including traffic (which can be horrendous). I’ve taken many flights in and out of Baltimore, but usually for the price (flights out of Baltimore can be $200 or more cheaper than flights out of DC). When you say you’re having trouble finding a flight at a good time, what does that mean exactly? If it’s a matter of arriving at, say, 10:00am vs 8:00am, I’d say stick with Baltimore. Between the time getting out of the airport and the time getting to Baltimore, and risking traffic (or traveling into Union Station to catch the train), you’re going to eat up at least two hours, if not more.

      Also, when you say DC, do you mean National (DCA) or Dulles (IAD)? National is just across the river from DC, and you could potentially catch the Metro or a cab from there to Union Station, then get the MARC train from Union Station to Baltimore, and a cab from the station in Baltimore to wherever you’re going. Still about two extra hours of travel (and lots of hassle/stress). If you mean Dulles, you’ll need a car or something (maybe a rental?) to get you up to Baltimore and it will be probably over an hour’s drive, depending on traffic.

      1. an hour by car techically but I’ve never made it in less than 90min, and more often 2 hrs.

      2. Hi all – thanks for the input; to clarify, I’m coming from the west coast & trying to get a direct flight & all the flights into BWI aren’t direct & put me into Baltimore late at night & not back home until late at night, which leads to other conflicts. I was thinking towncar/cab from IAD to downtown Baltimore – is Uber an option at IAD? Budget isn’t as important as getting a direct flight & I can handle an hour/hour and a half drive to the airport, I just wanted to make sure the 40 mile geographic distance wasn’t in reality a 3-hour ride in bumper to bumper traffic. Does this change anyone’s advice? TIA!!

        1. sorry to be a downer but Dulles to Bmore could easily be a 2, 2+ hour drive if traffic happens, which probably will.. I’d really suck it up to fly to BWI or at least DCA/National. :(

        2. 90 minutes to 2 hours is most likely, but some of that depends on the time of day.

        3. I don’t think Uber does those distances. You could get a sedan to take you, though, by going through a regular car/limo company. Depending on when you’re going, I’d allow 90-120min.

        4. I’d agree, IAD to downtown Baltimore could be very, very, ugly. Quite honestly, it may even be easier to look to see if there are any direct flights to PHL. I think that could even be easier than IAD.

        5. Yeah – I def. would not make this trip. IAD – downtown Baltimore would be god awful.

  21. Threadjack:
    Is anyone experienced with Loft dress pants? They’ve only recently added long inseam dress pants in normal colors so I’m considering getting a pair. Oh and look at that they only have 8 long in one color. Great. Idk why they attempt to cater to tall women when they can’t even maintain enough stock. Grrr.

    1. I take that back, the page hadn’t loaded fully. There are more options but this is for the first time in a while. Not sure why they weren’t carrying “normal” dress pants until now

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