Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Epply Lace Top

206 Comments

1. Yay, Kat and Kate!!!! This is SO cute! I onley wish I could have a job where I could wear this, but Frank would be all over me, and this would NOT work with a cami. Besides, Frank would be stareing to see whatever he could. Wouldn’t it be a great world if we did NOT have to worry about men stareing at our boobies? FOOEY on men that focus on that and NOT on us as profesional women. DOUBEL FOOEY!

   I have to run to court this morning and then come back and interview 2 peeople. A woman and a man to fill Mason’s job. I think I will look long and hard at the woman b/c she is more likeley to want to learn from me, and NOT go around telling peeople I do NOT know what I am doeing like Mason. A woman will also NOT waste time with Lynn like Mason did. FOOEY on that!

   I hope the HIVE is all doeing well. I have been to busy to give to much focus to the issue’s raised this week, b/c of the Supermarkit Guys, who insist I provide status reports on all of their cases each week. This requeires me to spend at least 3 extra hours to summarize what I am doeing for them EVERY week. FOOEY!

   1. Ellen, you are so interesting. I think I want to go to law school after reading your posts!

2. I remember her posting about the end of a 5 month relationship last spring (Feb/March?) I am going through an eerily similar breakup (very abrupt, after no warning signs, and planning a happy life together), and I have never felt pain like this, even given the short length of the relationship. Would love to know how she’s doing, and whether there is any light at the end of this tunnel.

   1. Ugh, hugs. I am not La Vie en Bleu, but I went through the same thing. He broke up with me out of the blue, with zero warning. Not only is there the pain of missing him, like in any break up, I felt like I was mourning unexplored potential- a great relationship that could have been if he just … didn’t dump me. We didn’t have time to get to the bad stuff, so it was easy to assume everything would have been great. This made it unlike a break up with someone you really tried with, but eventually had to conclude it wouldn’t work out. Then there’s the shock of it- if someone would just dump you like that, how can you ever feel safe? That makes it devastating, even if it was short.

      It’s HARD. But yes, it will pass. I’m about 7 months out, and I still think about him sometimes (and wonder WTF was going on), but it’s much, much, much better. There’s a light.

   2. I’m not La Vie en Bleu, but I promise you- it will get better.

      During grad school, I fell hard for a guy. It was amazing because I am a very guarded person emotionally and I actually let myself have ALL THE FEELINGS for this dude. The breakup was very abrupt and I was blindsided- when he said, ‘I think we want different things,’ I thought we were still talking about what to have for dinner and said, ‘Well that’s not a big deal, we can just make 2 meals,’ which I now find to be hilarious.

      I was crushed. It hurt so much emotionally, I couldn’t breathe. It was worse because I still had to see this guy frequently. And yet, 2 months later, that ex introduced me to his high school buddy who had just moved to town. That high school buddy and I became friends, started dating, and now have been married for 4 years and have an awesome kid.

   3. I’m not La Vie en Bleu but I’m also going through a breakup right now. It sucks and will be sucky and painful for a while. But it’s been about a week and a half and it’s already getting a bit easier than it was when it first happened. (note not easy – just easier…)

      I keep reminding myself of Senior Attorney and the hive’s wisdom – “the only way out is through”

      Hugs! I hope you start to feel better soon. The best advice I can give is to distract yourself as best as possible. Work, girlfriends, gym, greys anatomy reruns – it’s all that’s getting me through right now.

   4. I’m sorry you are going through this. Just want to chime in that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and to encourage you to see and seek that light. I went through a similar break-up. It has been years now. Looking back, my biggest regret is that I nestled in the darkness of the tunnel for way too long, turning my back on the light beaming in, even fighting its pull. It’s not wrong to feel sadness for the loss, and you should not judge yourself for feeling that pain, but take care of yourself and work to make this one experience that strengthens you for all the rest rather than one that defines a long period of your life. Take advantage of the freedom. Rebound. Make new plans for that happy life. Someone, indeed probably many people, would want to share it with you, given the chance. You weren’t with one of those people before. You can view this as freedom to now go find one of those people. I hope you will.

   5. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a friend who went through something very similar – she thought he was the love of her life until he broke up with her out of the blue. After a grieving period (totally normal, totally healthy) she threw herself into dating and ended up meeting the man she’s now married to. It does get better. Take care of yourself.

   6. Listen to me: You will get over this and go on to live a very happy and full life. I spent the better half of my 20s pining over a guy who broke up with me and did not love me. I never thought I would get over the pain. Now, I am happily married, and the ONLY time I think about my ex is when I feel a huge twinge of regret that I spent my 20s in a lovelorn state. I was sad during a time when I should have been living it up! It is 100% normal to be sad, get therapy if you can afford it, but don’t ever think for one second that you won’t ever recover. You will. You will thrive and be better for it.

   7. GURL, GET OVER YOURSELF GOODBYE. How amazing is it that you’re not stuck with that LOOSER (thank you Ellen) anymore. You need to RAWR this out, take kickboxing or something.

      1. Thanks all. It seems unreal, but I am slowly accepting that whatever the reason and no matter how awful the method, he acted on a choice not to have me in his life anymore. What came before was beautiful and precious, but it no longer exists. Will work on improving and taking care of myself. And thanks, Godzilla, for the capital reminder :)

3. Career advice TJ – I am just now, since January when my immediate supervisor left, stepping into more of a manager role. Definitely feeling overwhelmed — and then, this past Friday, my immediate supervisee (entry level, right out of grad school) puts in her 2 week notice. Of course I’m happy for her! Any advice as I manage this transition? I am seeking advice on how to get through the project (of course it’s busy time) as well as plan for the rest of the 2 quarter period, how to understand how and when to hire someone as a replacement. Just experience and commiseration and support would help greatly! Thanks.

   1. Need more info. Is this your only direct report? What’s the deadline on your project? Can you use temp help, either from an agency or by borrowing resources from other departments?

   2. If you haven’t yet, head over to Ask A Manager. Her archives were super useful to me when I started coordinating the hiring process for my department.

4. Also, these are really pretty tops, Kat — the alternatives look great, too! Great job. Thanks.

   1. I don’t love the (non-plus) alternative as much as the original, but I appreciate that it has sleeves!

5. When I am emotionally stressed, I get physically sick. Does anyone else have this problem? Has anyone had luck with habits or routines or techniques that help prevent this trend? I hate always getting sick and having my body shut down when I need it the most.

   1. I get this – it’s a natural function of the fact that your body is busy coping with stress. My number one technique to prevent it is sleep – and going to sleep earlier in the evening rather than sleeping in longer in the morning.

      1. Me too! And if I’m really struggling with illness / being constantly run down, I’ll commit to an 8pm bedtime for a week (showered and in bed by 8, lights out by 9-30). It limits my social life but no more so than spending weeks sick and miserable would.

         1. As a preventative measure I generally aim for an 8.30 bedtime at least once a week.

            If you’ve fallen out of love with sleep, new pyjamas should do the trick.

   2. I think this is a pretty common problem. Better self care is a good preventative measure. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, getting some exercise, and taking time to de-stress in a way that works for you. I’m also a believer in the simple things for keeping healthy- probiotics, hand-washing, and up to date vaccinations.

   3. This always happens to me. Either I get physically sick with a cold, or I break out in hives, or I have an upset stomach. Sleep is definitely the best way to treat it.

   4. I take Imodium to stop the poops and eat ginger drops to keep the nausea at bay. There are also medications (levsyn, bental, not sure spelling there) that stop spasms in the guts. For really bad stress, I take xanax but this is rare and usually for flying.

      This will out me if anyone at my work is reading which is why I’m anon but my office has no working bathrooms today because the city decided to turn off all the water on our street for 8 hours to do repairs with no warning. We would normally close but since we had no warning and we have a major federal appellate oral argument tomorrow, we are still open. Luckily, they worked out a deal with a business across the parking lot that is on another water main and we can go over there to use the bathroom. It’s a small business though and we need the key from reception. Rather embarrassing since I’m stressed enough to poop every half hour for the first few hours of my day today.

   5. I do too, I have a nervous tummy and anxiety frequently makes me nauseous! I remedy it with pepto bismol, and food that’s nice to my stomach like crackers, white rice, miso soup, etc. But sometimes I need to remove myself from the action and lie down, when I can. I hate it.

   6. This happens to me too. I try to get more sleep, exercise (preferably outside so I get some sun), and eat healthy. I also try to do things to manage my stress–like yoga, getting a massage, and wine (haha, but true…)

   7. Trying again to get out of mod. I take Imodium to stop the #2’s and ginger drops to help w/ nausea.

6. What would you do if you loved your firm, but you (and spouse in this case) know 100% that you want to move to another state, where said firm does not have an office. I’m an almost 7th year associate at my firm and have been told I’m progressing nicely on the partner track, and my future is bright here. I would absolutely stay with this firm if not for the location. I’m also not sure I want to start over at a new firm, and would prefer an in-house job in the other state, but I’ve been working for a recruiter, who has indicated that it’s easier to make a lateral move if moving to a different state than an in-house move, and then after re-locating, it would be easier to go in-house, because then you’d be local. There are some lateral opportunities that would be a good fit, but I’m hesitant to apply to them. However, it’s possible it could get us to the new state faster. First of all, am I crazy to want to leave this firm just to go to another state? Second of all, would I be crazy to try to lateral just to make the move?

   I realize that, at the end of the day, I’m just going to have to do what I think is right, but I feel like other than my husband, I don’t really have anyone to run this by. I’ve been tempted to bring it up with my mentor at this firm, but I also don’t think that’s a good idea, because it could start a chain reaction or trigger bad feelings (disloyalty?). I think in my fantasy world, this firm would open an office in my preferred region, or they would let me work remotely. I think the former isn’t impossible, but it would be a while, and the latter is impossible.
   Do you sometimes wish someone would just tell you what to do? :) Thanks for the opportunity to share my uncertainty!

   1. Wrote a longer response but don’t want to out myself. I am in a nearly identical situation. In sum, I decided to move to a new state in a few months whether or not we have jobs lined up. I did discuss with my firm because I knew I would need references and didn’t want to scramble at the last second — really a know your firm thing. Everyone says it is easier to get a job once you are in the new location; I also have to wait for my bar application to go through, and once that happens, state government jobs will be easier. I am also trying to move in-house or government out of my extreme niche area but am applying laterally also because I need SOME job.

      1. Good luck! I have heard the same thing about how it’s easier to get a job if you’re already there … but it’s pretty scary to think about, and I applaud your courage on that front. So did discussing with your firm go well? You also make a good point about going ahead with the bar application – that really shows a level of commitment, and I might go ahead and do the same thing. I think my state has comity with the other state now.

         1. Thank you. Obviously we are *trying* to have jobs lined up before we go, and I think it’s likely I can keep working remotely from my current firm for another few months after moving (which they have allowed others to do in the past). My spouse’s field means we can move only during certain months of the year, so it’s this summer or wait a whole year – that’s why we’re just doing it. FWIW, I am a partner (8th year of practice) and I think this move would’ve been easier a few years ago based on my niche and desire to change fields a bit.

      2. I’d be very careful about moving without a job. We tried it. It was a disaster. We moved back. That was a disaster. It took about 4 years to get back on our feet. We destroyed a lot of personal wealth and set ourselves back quite a bit both on starting a family and on building financial stability. If you’re set on going, heavily, heavily research the new city’s legal market. We were really blindsided by how differently they all function. It’s really an uphill battle.

   2. I could have written this exact comment a year ago. I moved (with a job lined up beforehand, fwiw) and it’s been a disaster. I like my new area but my job is awful and I feel stupid for leaving a Big Law job I actually loved and was succeeding at. Truthfully, I think every single day about calling my old firm and begging for my job back but I’m not sure I can endure the humiliation of that or another cross-country move. But my advice is that unless this move is really not optional (e.g., for spouse’s job or a sick family member), don’t go. At the very least don’t go until you make partner. You’ll have more opportunities in the new place if you’ve made partner at your current firm.

      1. Wow. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. If you really wanted to move back, I do wonder if you should discount the humiliation and just reach out.
         The point about making partner is a good one — You can never truly predict these things, but I think I’m within 2 years, and a big part of me worries that getting off that train is a huge mistake.
         Out of curiosity, what inspired your move? Are you originally from there? Do you have family there? Or was it just a place that you liked? Did you move with a spouse?

         1. How are you planning to move as a partner with no business in new state. Why is new stats important?

            1. I’m not a partner, so it’s largely hypothetical, and I don’t know that moving as a partner or moving as a senior associate would be better (I definitely don’t have the answers, and your point is well-taken). Generally my practice is national, rather than regional. New state is important because most of my family is there, most of spouse’s friends are there, many of my friends are there, and I have other contacts there.

            2. Honestly, I would say that if you stick around and make partner, unless you have a client that you know will follow you or some very unique niche skill-set, and unless the firm where you’re a partner has an office in that new state, you are likely stuck. It’s possible, but it’s definitely rare. If you really are set on going, I would go now as a senior associate and be willing to put in a couple more years in the new state/new firm to make partner.

            3. Thank you. This is good advice. And maybe reinforces my thought that if I did make the move, it would be to a different track, rather than as a lateral.

            4. I think it would be easier to go to a firm as a senior associate but easier to go in-house as a partner.

            5. Can you elaborate on why it would be easier to go in-house as a partner? As I see it, most in-house openings are for people with 3-5 years of experience.

         2. In a similar vein to the teacher thread, does anyone have ideas for academic calendar jobs for lawyers or jobs that can be done remotely? I would love to teach at a law school but there’s none in my area (I know it’s very competitive to get those jobs anyway, but it’s not even a possibility for me).
            My DH is on an academic calendar and frequently has the opportunity to spend a month or more abroad every summer. I currently work an office job and obviously can’t take that long off. We both feel like it’s not fair for him to leave me at home with kid and dog and house maintenance for an entire month, so he usually just goes for a week. Long term, I’d love to find an academic calendar job or something I can do remotely so I that my daughter and I can accompany him. It would be better for his career and also would be a great experience for our daughter. (It should go without saying but if I were working remotely I’d hire a nanny or put my daughter in a formal camp-type program during the week. I wouldn’t try to work full time while taking care of her.)

            1. Oops, this was supposed to be a new thread! Sorry, Decisions…

   3. FWIW, I know someone who did this and just established a permanent remote-work arrangement with her firm. She made partner after the move and continues to be very highly regarded at her firm.

      Key factors that made this work:
      -She was willing to travel frequently back to the home office on her own dime to make sure she stayed well-connected and to attend firm events.
      -Her practice was national.
      -She worked standard office hours for the home office (i.e., worked east coast hours even though she had moved to the west coast) so clients were often unaware she was not located in the home office.
      -Basically, no one had to accommodate the fact that she wasn’t physically in the home office – she was just as available as anyone who was located there. The only difference was that you only saw her in person about once a month.

      So it is possible! I would not leave a job you love without exploring the possibility that you might be able to keep that job after the move.

      1. This is very good advice. You say that working remotely is “impossible” – why? Cbackson raises excellent points. Before you give up your job that you love entirely and move to a state where you have no job lined up, I would consider asking your current firm for a remote work arrangement. I think that many firms will go out of their way to accommodate someone if they think the person is a star, which it sounds like you are (ie: they told you that you are on the track to make partner).

      2. This is very good advice. You say that working remotely is “impossible” – why? Before you give up your job that you love and move to a state where you have no job lined up, I would consider asking your current firm for a remote work role. I think that many firms will go out of their way for someone if they think the person is a star, which it sounds like you are (ie: they told you that you are on the track to make partner).

         1. I guess I don’t *know* that it’s impossible; I only know that I haven’t seen it done. I am doing well here; I know that I am valued. But I’m not confident enough to say that I’m valued enough that they’d try to make that work. To be honest, I do think it is a possibility, just not sure of the probability. :) I would really love it, though.

   4. You’re only a 6th year associate. Find a place to lateral to in new state if moving is a definite. Do it now, so you have time to develop if you want to make partner there or build a network if you want to go in house. Who cares if your future is bright at this job? If you’re dead set on quitting eventually your future isn’t bright, it’s nothing.

      1. +1

         Especially if new state is far away.

         I know someone who worked remotely for her old firm and realized that it was just treading water (professionally). I know her b/c she lateraled to my firm and now works with actual people on cases and is connected to a local firm, colleagues, clients, etc. that she’d need to be successful as a partner.

      2. I’d move soon if you’re going to. 6th years is an OK time to lateral. But I wouldn’t wait much longer. Many firms won’t hire experienced people unless they’re bringing clients with them.

   5. This depends on so many things. How soon do you want/need to move? How far away is new state? What is the job market for senior associates vs. junior partners? How important is it to you to make partner?

      Regardless of your answers to all of these questions, I think you’re making a mistake to not apply to positions you think might be a good fit. There’s no harm in submitting an application. If you’re concerned that the firm or company only wants local candidates, say in your cover letter that you want to move to the new state. Explore whatever opportunities you can and make your decision when you have more information about what your options are.

   6. I did this. I accepted a short-term position as a law clerk for a federal judge (ie, covering for another clerk’s maternity leave) so I could physically be in the location when I was looking for a new firm and get to know local practice/players. The advantage of this is that career law clerks know everything about the good firms in town, the bad firms, etc. and were able to provide invaluable advice (and connections) for my job hunt.

7. Spinoff of yesterday afternoon’s thread about making a late-career transition into teaching. I have been fantasizing for years about leaving my high-travel career to become a teacher, especially as my child gets older and needs me at home more. I love third and fourth grade but think I’d have a better chance getting a job as a middle school or high school math or English teacher (I have an undergraduate degree in English and a master’s in a quantitative social science field, so a little more graduate work would probably qualify me to teach either math or English). I have several years’ experience tutoring all grade levels, and every job I’ve had since college has involved teaching or explaining technical concepts to non-technical audiences. I am very good at helping people understand things, but I am worried about my ability to maintain classroom discipline, especially with boys. I can’t even manage to keep my kid’s birthday parties or Girl Scout troop under control. I have also heard horror stories from friends who teach about the difficulty of finding good jobs in regular classrooms in well-funded districts and the amount of prep work required. Are there any teachers here who can provide some insight or advice to someone considering a mid-career transition?

   1. What are the licensing requirements for your state? Would you have to go back to school in order to complete a certification?

      1. I would have to complete a special program for people changing careers in order to get a license. Most teachers in my state are also now obtaining master’s degrees, even those who have been licensed for many years; I am not sure whether my existing master’s would be sufficient, since I wouldn’t actually be teaching that subject.

      2. And what are the salaries like in your state? They can vary hugely, so make sure it’s something you can live with.

         One of my parents was a teacher growing up and several of my friends are teachers. One of the unspoken requirements of being a teacher is a very strong bladder. They complain about the hours, but really it’s a structured 7 hour day with a little bit of additional take home work which, depending on how good your time management is, really varies. With the current expectation that we are all available via email at all times, it ends up being much less onerous than it once was. Classroom management can be learned, and keep in mind that a structured space like a classroom is MUCH different than a birthday party.

         Check if your area has a shortage of teachers. Often that means they will either waive certain requirements or offer loan forgiveness. Also, in my area, most people are dual certified (e.g., they are certified in high school math and elementary ed or elementary ed and special ed) which gives you the option to switch a bit if you find that your initial area isn’t for you.

         1. My mom is a 4th grade teacher and she would strongly, strongly disagree with “a little bit of additional take home work.” She regularly describes her job as a full-time, all-year job, just with all the hours compressed into 9 months. The requirements for teachers to be available to parents – at least in her district – at all hours of the day and night, and to constantly have up-to-date grades and work for the kids available online have gotten ridiculous, and have made a lot of extra off-hours work for everyone. I’m not sure how universal that is across districts and grade levels, and compared to something like big law, I don’t think you’d notice… but it can be a big problem.

            1. Yup, I was a high school classroom teacher for seven years (now in administration with occasional teaching duties) and it was a significant amount of take home work. I had at least an hour each night and would spend most of my Sundays working. People say you need to spend less time planning as you go on in your career, but I never found that true (for the good teachers, at least), as it’s not acceptable to keep recycling lessons and projects from year to year (especially in this age of constantly changing metrics and with all the corporate hands in the pockets of legislators) and the classes and/or grades you teach can frequently change.

               I also disagree that email and technology cut down hours- I found that parents are far more likely to contact teachers for small issues that they would probably just let go if they had to make a phone call so EVERYTHING merits a discussion (“I saw online that Jimmy didn’t turn in his homework today. What happened?” I don’t know, ask your kid!), and administration and our state requires FAR more documentation and data than ever. When I was teaching, I was easily putting in 60 hour weeks during the school year– and I find the hours are fatiguing than at other jobs. Think of presenting for five or more hours today for an audience that might not be too happy about being there and will let you know *exactly* how they feel about it! The upside is that you have more holidays. I always would have at least two to three weeks during summer that I had to spend planning, and often courses I had to take to keep up certification. My mother retired after almost 40 years of teaching last year, and she said the workload expectations are increasing all the time.

               Teaching is not for everyone. While the hours are nowhere near those of many women on this site, I found being “on” for so much of the day to be very draining, and being so personally invested in my job and my kids was emotionally exhausting. It’s a different kind of tired, though rewarding (though it doesn’t feel that way much of the time!). I also spent way more time doing monotonous tasks or fighting uphill battles with teenagers who were checked out than I ever did having Stand and Deliver moments. Classroom management often takes people a few years to really feel out, but the bulk of it is being clear and consistent in your expectations.

               I find that those who are career switchers either are really committed to it and love it and thrive, or thought teaching would be a downshift from the private sector and burn out when that didn’t turn out to be the case. All that said, I LOVE working in education and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

            2. Oh, and when I say I had an hour each night, that was an hour *after* staying at school for at least 45 minutes to an hour past the last bell.

   2. I think you need to find a low travel job within your current realm first. See if you still want to teach when the travel isn’t a factor. Teaching children is nothing like explaining concepts to non-technical adults, and if you can’t manage a Girl Scout troop I think it’s a nice fantasy and in reality would be pretty terrible.

      1. Unfortunately, there is no-such thing as a low-travel job in my current field.

         1. Argh. Misplaced hyphen. Edit function, where are you?

         2. BS. There’s no possible job you can do with your current qualifications that doesn’t require travel? Nope. You’re considering solving your life by jumping into a fantasy. That’s a terrible plan.

            1. Okay, not the OP, but I will say that she didn’t say there was nothing she could do with her qualifications, rather that nothing in her field doesn’t require travel.

               My husband’s job is like this and basically, if he wanted to move away from a high travel job but use his qualifications, he would either start from 0 again or would have to pursue additional education. If you’re looking at a switch as big as that, it really starts to make sense to switch fields.

            2. +1

               Teaching is not something that should be approached lightly. It is a lot of hard work and not a fallback career. It sounds like OP needs to address her job issues first before considering a career change.

            3. -1

               I had a teacher parent and have teacher siblings and cousins. I thought I knew what being a working mother was like. I did, but I didn’t.

               I knew what it was like to have a working parent who had the same schedule I did: same start/stop time, same vacations, etc. That is gold! I don’t wish I had gone into teaching, but that schedule symmetry has a value and I *get* now why people stay in that field when they have children. It is forgiving and accommodating in a way my job will never be.

            4. I used to be a teacher. I am now in investment banking. Compensation aside, I would pick the teacher schedule/life ALL. DAY. LONG.

               While I worked very long days, and often nights, as a teacher, the hours were definitely shorter (although not “short”) than what I do as an i-banker. The hours also had a hard stop – summer vacation, spring break, December break, etc. Had a bad egg in a class roster? S/he’s gone come June and you hit reset.

               Each profession has VERY different pressures, though those pressures are also equally out of my control (ie: helicopter parent vs. stock market bottoming out… both can ruin a day, fast)…. but compensation is very important to me, so here I am.

      2. I don’t disagree that you may want to try and find a low-travel job in your current niche first before making a big leap, but I do disagree that the Girl Scout troop and birthday party issue is necessarily completely analogous to teaching a class. Those are different after-school environments – birthday party in particular. You simply have more authority as a teacher (in most situations, at least). Are they not listening to you because you have a meek personality? Then maybe you don’t want to be a teacher. Are they not listening because you need to work on some management skills applicable to kids and get them at a time they haven’t been sitting at a desk all day first or our hopped up on sugar? Then proceed at will.

         1. I definitely agree with this.

            While teachers can (and do) get walked over, in my experience there IS a certain amount of inherent authority in the “teacher” role in a classroom environment – you can certainly lose that inherent authority if you are not a good classroom manager, but, if “authority to manage” was graded on a scale of 1-100, the title “teacher” starts you at, in most classrooms, something like a 20, while “mom of birthday girl” is a pretty solid 0.

   3. Would you want to work with smaller groups of students? Maybe be an ESL teacher or reading intervention teacher. That way you won’t have to do as much discipline and you would be doing more teaching and the prep would be less. BTW Discipline can also be learned, so you could decide while you were in school to really focus on that. Teaching requires hours and hours of prep and only a little bit of the day is actually teaching. There is the paperwork, the parent convos, the testing, etc… I would suggest before making any career plunge to take 5 vacation days and commit to shadowing a teacher for a week. Every step of their day and see how you feel at the end. Be there from the moment they enter the school, to the moment they leave, and ask them how many hours they worked at home. If you still think you want to do it after a week there are lots of programs that help people become teachers later in life.

      1. To add to the list of alternatives, consider test preparation work – in most major metro areas, you can make $30-$50/hour teaching ACT/SAT prep, and more if you’re qualified to teach grad school tests (“qualified,” for the grad school tests, usually meaning that you took the test and scored 90th percentile or above, although for the most lucrative opportunities 95th percentile is better).

      2. Agree with this. I know someone who is a math specialist and also a technology specialist and they help the regular teachers with their curriculums and figuring out how to incorporate tablets into their learning also rotate through different classes teaching here and there, but not all day, all the time. Our district also has a speech therapist, an OT, and librarian and those seem like easier jobs to me, but with just as good, if not better hours.

   4. Just a point — my spouse is a teacher. I am a litigator. He works SO MUCH MORE than I do. Regularly works until 1-2 am. Many hours every weekend. Constant stressful conversations with parents, administration, students. Yes, he is home for dinner (although his current school day goes until nearly 6 pm), but it’s not a low-stress or flexible lifestyle. On the plus side, he loves his work passionately and also has regularly scheduled vacations.

   5. I come from a family of teachers. My grandparents were both teachers, my parents were teachers and then moved into administrative roles, and now my sister is a teacher. Classroom management skills can be learned for the most part, and you can develop discipline and reward strategies to help manage your classroom. From what my sister has said, this is not really taught in school, but more experienced teachers can help. Some of it is just learned through experience.

      However, teaching is a demanding job–physically, mentally, emotionally, etc. You really have to be passionate about it. Every teacher I know spends lots of their own money on things for the classroom, and spends lots of evenings and weekends working on lesson plans, grading, evaluations, etc. The summer off is a nice perk, of course. But it is a lot of work. There are also programs (at least in my state) where if you agree to teach for a certain number of years at a low-income school, your loans will be forgiven. Also, in my state, if you already have a degree you can get a provisional license and start teaching almost immediately while you finish up the rest of the accelerated program.

   6. My first career was teaching. I really enjoyed some parts of it, but overall it was a miserable experience and I now work in finance. Every single day felt like a battleground. I spent every day trying to teach rude and disrespectful students who were not interested in learning. The parents did not have my back in any way. The school administrators lets the student athletes get away with anything, including openly cheating. I cried almost every day out of complete and utter frustration. To top it off, I was paid $25,000 with no benefits (private school).

      My brother in law has been teaching for over a decade. All he talks about is how miserable he is and how mistreated teachers are. My mother taught middle school math and science and worked a crazy amount of overtime. She eventually quit because it was so much work for so little pay and the students were terrible. There is immense pressure to pass students even if they are not capable of doing the work. So she would have to teach middle school math to students who couldn’t even do elementary school math. She was almost fired for refusing to pass someone who was failing.That was the straw that broke the camels back.

      Teaching is not this magical experience that you are fantasizing about. Even at a private school.

      1. Ditto! Same experience. Biglaw NYC is SO MUCH EASIER than teaching.

      2. “Every single day felt like a battleground. I spent every day trying to teach rude and disrespectful students who were not interested in learning. ”

         This describes my teaching experience (in college nonetheless) perfectly. If I was the OP I would find another way out.

   7. FWIW, my mother was an elementary school teacher when I was growing up, and that did not result in her having more time with her kids, other than during the school holidays and summers. The job isn’t flexible at all (for example, you often can’t take days off around major holidays unless you’re sick enough to have a doctor’s note), and the amount of after school work meant that she didn’t typically leave until 5 PM. My dad was actually our primary caregiver growing up, because he had a much more flexible (although more prestigious and higher-paid job).

8. That looks like something I might wear to a nice Sunday brunch, but it seems a little too delicate for the workplace. I thought lace and bows weren’t appropriate for the office.

   1. I think lace and bows are fine so long as your outfit is not all lace and bows. I don’t like the sheer sleeves on this blouse, not because they’re inappropriate but because I hate strapless br@s.

9. Piggybacking off of the question above… I’m a junior associate in biglaw and I fantasize about becoming a high school history teacher when I’ve paid off my loans. I have an undergrad degree in History and obviously a J.D., both from elite schools. How hard would this be? Do I just need to get a license? Would I need to go back to school? Also, how much could I expect to make as a new teacher with an advanced degree? I think I’d either want to do inner-city public school (Philadelphia) or suburban public school (Main Line)- would the location affect salary? Thanks!

   1. It really goes state by state. Your best information would be gathered by calling the teacher licensing office for the state that you plan on teaching in. I would not suggest that you do any teaching without doing student teaching. It hands down was the most valuable part of my being a teacher. It is one reason I have lots of issues with Teach for America. They put teaches in classrooms that haven’t had any discipline training (because they don’t do student teaching), and then they can’t handle the classrooms.

   2. I have thought about being a junior high math teacher (paying it forward, Mrs. York!). I think I’d just go the private school route (or be a community college remedial teacher) just b/c I have no interest in being certified. I am trying just to get a guest-starring role in my area schools where I mentor as the “here’s what I do with my math” lady (JD; finance partner).

      1. You know your local schools best, but I would double check on the certification requirements– depending on where you live and how demanding your local private schools are, most that are worth their salt will still expect that you have certification (even if it’s expired). I’m in Chicago and any of the Catholic or respected private schools in my area won’t even consider you without it.

   3. Why did you go to law school instead of becoming a teacher after college? Teaching is a real job. It’s hard and it doesn’t pay well. Why is it your escapist fantasy?

      In Philadelphia, you’d make $45,360. You don’t get credit for a law degree according to the salary guide. Main Line more like $55,000. PA has an alternate certification program so you wouldn’t need to go back to college necessarily.

      1. I do have an answer for this: because teaching and law are hard work, but if the loans don’t kill you, the $ is so much better.

         My mother got married right out of college and knew this as she studied. Being a mom was in her future and teaching worked so, so well with that. But being married, much less being a mom, wasn’t in my future in my 20s and I needed to support myself, so I did what I thought was best for me at the time.

         I didn’t get married until my late 30s, so I’m glad I could support myself throughout that time. I had children later and now the law $ comes at too high a cost for my family. Having had some high income years has given me the option of flexilibility to do now what didn’t make sense then.

         FWIW, I went to law school with many ex-teachers, so the flow of people goes both ways.

   4. Just FYI – Pennsylvania can be hard because it’s a union state. Lots of perks, but lots of protections that make it a hard nut to crack.

      1. I grew up in PA. Unions and strikes were grossly out of control over ridiculous things that made education hard on me, though much harder on my local peers.

         1. Ditto. I suggest you actually visit a Philadelphia school and follow the Inquirer’s coverage. The schools are very political and chronically underfunded.

            http://www.philly.com/philly/blogs/school_files/

      2. PA is also a challenging state to find a teaching job. Here in VA, we routinely see new teachers move down to get a few years of experience and move back home when they’re more competitive.

   5. I don’t know about your state specifically, but in my state there is an accelerated program for people who already have a degree. You still have to take some classes, but it is a short program. In my state, location does not affect salary, but can affect loan forgiveness options (low-income/rural qualify). Salary is based on years of experience teaching, education, and “level” (“level” is also determined by years of experience and education but also requires a portfolio and advancement by a panel.)

   6. I’d look for the teaching programs that allow you to transition without going back to school. (NYCTF, TFA, etc). If you really want to teach history, you may have to teach private school.

      Just as an anecdote – I know a Skadden associate who did this, quit after a year or less and went back to the law. Teaching is not easy.

10. I need some tips. I want to send my friend and her fiance in NYC a food or drink related gift as a pick-me-up after a hard couple of weeks of disappointed job interviews. I was thinking and emailed gift certificate would be best, but I’m not up food delivery services or what’s hip or much of anything. I open to something that can be delivered in the next couple of days.

    Your help would be appreciated. They live in Spanish Harlem if that narrows your recommendations. Thanks.

    1. Zingerman’s food basket is always the answer to anything food related.

    2. ABV is a fun restaurant — you might be able to get a gift card if you call.

11. I’ve had a strange experience over the last week. I have 3 year old twins and for the first time in their life, on multiple sporadic occasions over the last week, I’ve found myself angry with them to the point that I’ve had to seriously check my temper. I held it together, but it scared me that I got to that point. Prior to this, I’ve definitely been annoyed when one or both of them does something annoying, but I can stay calm without much effort. I have been dealing with some stress at work, but nothing I haven’t had before. I started taking B vitamins to see if that helps. Can anyone offer any other advice?

    1. LOTS and lots of exercise. And walk away. Physical distance can keep you out of the red zone.

       1. +1 for the mommy time-out. It’s also good behavior modeling for your kids on how to calm down (Daniel tiger style- deep breaths and count to 5 or 500).
          Nothing can make you feel the range or depth of emotions that your kids can. I think all parents have been there before.

    2. You’re mad at double toddlers? Take a break.

    3. Have they started pushing boundaries in a different way? Diffrent things push different boundaries and it may be, for example, that you’re less bothered by having your physical boundaries ignored than by deliberate defiance of an instruction or wanton destruction. Three is an age when they learn all kinds of new boundary-pushing methods, so it might be worth trying to figure out if there’s something specific about the times when you lose your temper.

       1. Three is when they learn how to be manipulative… I have a hard time when I feel like they’re deliberately pushing my buttons.

          It’s also the whole, ‘I know you know what I’m telling you, but why aren’t you doing it?’ thing. When they’re babies, you have this baseline assumption that they don’t know any better. 3 year olds ‘start’ to know better, but they really are still babies.

       2. This is an excellent insight!

    4. I have three kids. This happens to me too sometimes. Usually when I am stressed about other things and/or am trying to get something done that really should wait until they are asleep. I give myself a little time-out and breath for a minute or so. I remind myself that they are little and are not trying to make me mad on purpose and that it is my job to manage my emotions. I am much calmer when I am taking care of myself too–getting enough sleep (easier said then done), eating healthy, and exercising.

       1. +1

          It is always the other things and other stresses. Stupid job.

    5. First, if you have kept your emotions in check for three years, you are a rock star of a parent! Seriously. I remember hitting this point with my first when he was about 18 months (he was a bit, um, high needs).

       Second, the fact that you are recognizing that you have hit a place of losing your temper is huge. For me, I hit this point when I am overwhelmed by a variety of forces (work, life, spouse, etc.). I would recommend the book, “Bringing out the Best in Your Child and Yourself.” It helped me identify when I get overwhelmed and what those triggers are for me and my kids. Beyond those, self-care does a lot to keep me from hitting that place where I am overwhelmed and needed by little people and feel like I can’t breathe. Deep breath, you are ok.

       1. +1 to the first paragraph. OP has twins and she’s made it three years without seeing red? I’m seriously impressed.

    6. Whenever this happens to me, invariably I find that I have not had enough sleep. Maybe something similar is triggering your inability to cope?

    7. There’s a reason they’re called “threenagers.” :)

       I agree with other posters – find a way to get yourself a break!

    8. I’m a twin. My brother and I were very smart from a very young age and knew exactly which buttons to push. Annoying my parents was our most satisfying form of entertainment, and when that failed, we would try to get each other in trouble for fun.

       Raising twins is SO tough. I have NO IDEA how my parents did it. I look back at the times they lost their tempers with complete understanding and sympathy. Don’t worry – the fact that you are even thinking about this is a great sign, and it’s inevitable that you will feel this way.

    9. It’s not you, it’s three year olds. I struggle with this too and have to put myself in time out. I mean this in a serious way – parenting a toddler/3 year old gave me a new perspective on how child abuse happens.

    10. I went through a point when my kid was 3 when I whacked him on the bottom a few times because I was SO SO mad at him. I was also pregnant. Hormones, poor control of emotions, whatever – Im not proud of it.
        I had a short work related trip away from him and I missed him SO much and I made a resolution to control myself better. Two years later I haven’t gotten to that point again.
        Take some time away and review, refresh, re-think.

12. This may be more of a “pinterest” question than a “thiss1te” question but we have received a beautiful family heirloom for our baby’s nursery that I am trying to figure out how to safely display. It’s a small plate/dish, about 5″ in diameter. I thought it’d be easy to find a shadow box/plate display but haven’t been able to find one. Anyone crafty out there and have any ideas? Thanks!

    1. Have you tried searching for shadow box on eBay?

    2. I don’t think that “beautiful family heirloom” and “baby’s nursery” go together. If it were truly precious and I’d hate myself if it broke, I’d bring it to the people who do pack & mail and have them pack it up in a box with the squiggles in it and then tape it and put it on a high shelf in a closet.

       Otherwise, up high on a sturdy piece of furniture or somewhere else in your house where you can see it. Take a picture though — I’ve been surprised with all of the things that have been tipped over / fallen / been broken since having children. The baby stage is easy, but once they’re mobile / can throw things / have a stomach bug in the middle of the night where you’re bumping around trying to strip the mattress yet again, all bets are off.

    3. I would think a frame shop would be able to build you a shadow box that would be appropriate.

       1. +1 for local frame shop

13. Following up on yesterday’s discussion re: a boyfriend who was depressed and not as interested in garden parties, what would your answer be to the one who is the depressed/not-interested one? The situation is a little different, but basically the anti-depressants that otherwise work best for me decrease my libido like whoa. After months of avoiding the topic, I finally pointed out to DH that the medicine might be the problem. I’m going to talk to my psychiatrist about finding another option, but chances are that things won’t change much.

    Should I be worried that DH will eventually give up and look elsewhere? He isn’t the type to go for a monogamish relationship, so it’d likely be all or nothing. Oh, and to make matters more complicated, we have 2 small children. So there’s that.

    Not sure if I have an exact question but the JDTMFA comments yesterday worry me. Thoughts?

    1. I think people weren’t saying dump him because his libido has decreased. They were saying dump him because he had shut down on the OP, wasn’t communicating and was saying very hurtful things to her (like telling her he had fantasies of cheating). I’m not saying your situation is easy but it sounds very different and I would try not to internalize the comments to yesterday’s OP too much.

    2. Well, start by not suggesting you’re thinking about cheating, refusing to consider couples’ counseling, and saying sex is just about deviance and power. That’s why we all said to move on yesterday.

       Don’t just ignore it or give up. Sex is an important part of life. Talk to your doctor about how this matters to you. Talk to your husband about your meds and feelings openly. Talk to a sex therapy based couples counsellor about how to have a sex life.

       1. +1 Your willingness to address the issue beyond insinuating that the DH would be to blame if you started looking elsewhere for rewarding s*x*al experience means your situation is already better than the OP from yesterday. And I expect that advice from yesterday would have been somewhat different that the OP been married with 2 children like you are, but she had only been dating BF for 18 months so “cut your losses” was a more reasonable suggestion.

    3. Why do you think things won’t change much if you change meds? My DH is depressed and we have noticed a HUGE difference based on two things: (1) Different meds really do have different side effects and it is worth exploring finding the right option for you. If garden parties are important to you, then a decrease in desire for them is important and should be considered in finding the right med. (2) Adequately treating the depression. Even with the right meds, if the depression is not being fully treated, then it is tough to truly enjoy the garden parties.

       To answer the other part of your question: I love my DH more than words, and we have been to h3ll and back with his depression (two inpatient admissions). We also have two small kids. But he is not the depression and the depression does not define our relationship. Even when things were horrible, I could see past the depression to the man I love. A decrease in garden parties happens, but with open communication, you can work through it. Are you guys in therapy together?

    4. “I’m going to talk to my psychiatrist about finding another option, but chances are that things won’t change much.” My husband has depression and this is seriously his approach whenever he’s going off the rails a bit. It sounds like you’re currently on meds, but this sounds a lot like catastrophizing to me. He tried several mixes of meds until he hit on the combo that best worked for his depression and his interest in me. Maybe you’re right and you’ll never find meds that work and your husband will leave you. But probably not. You’ll probably be able to find something that makes things better.

    5. I was one of the “DTMFA” advocates yesterday, and for me, the issue wasn’t quantity of LGP, it was about how he was handling communicating about the decrease – he was blaming his partner, wasn’t trying to do anything to accommodate her needs (or at least soften the blow when he couldn’t), and instead of trying to come up with actual solutions (like changing his meds, for example), he was telling her the issue was that his feelings about partying with her had changed and he fantasized about cheating as the solution. (Also, his feelings about their “parties” – the power/deviance thing – was, when taken in context with everything else she was saying about their relationship, pretty concerning – it’s one thing to have those feelings/scenarios be part of your LGP-life, but it’s another thing entirely when you’re viewing generating those feelings as the sole reason for parties.)

       For you, I think the answer is different, because the work you’re putting into the issue is different – if you’re exploring other med options with your doctor(s), actively treating the depression, and talking openly with your H about it, you’re not a “MFA” who should be dumped. As for whether your H is going to “look elsewhere,” have you talked to him about your fears about that? What does he say? Have you asked him what he wants/needs in that department going forward, and what he might want to do if you can’t meet those wants/needs for a prolonged period of time? If you find those conversations difficult, couples therapy might be a good idea.

    6. This probably won’t be as popular on an assertive woman’s blog but are there things that you can do just to make him feel physical love? It sucks that you aren’t into it and aren’t enjoying it but if you know it is important to him, is there something you can do just for him? My DH hates giving massages for example. It makes his wrist hurt badly. However, if he knows I’ve had a really bad day and I’m really sore, he will still offer a brief massage because he knows it is really important to me as a way to feel close and decompress.

       $3x has so many connotations in our society. See the power discussion from yesterday that makes it a lot harder for women to “lay back and think of England.” But if you step back from that old mind set you can see that there are ways to give him what he needs without compromising your integrity. It’s kind of powerful when there is zero pressure (where your DH isn’t expecting it at all currently) to tell him to just lay back and enjoy while you use your hand or whatever and he doesn’t have to do anything to you.

       Sometimes faking it will get you into really wanting to make it. I’d suggest adding it to your chore list mentally. Dog walked? yup. Dishes done? yup. Husband satisfied at least once in the last two weeks?

       1. Not as unpopular an opinion as you might’ve thought. Sometimes it takes a little push to make “I intellectually want to do this” match up with “I physically feel like doing this.” Like going to the gym. Some days I’m really tired and the last thing I want to do is work out. But I force myself to go because I know how important it is to my emotional and physical well being. Inevitably, once I’m actually there, I enjoy myself, feel so much better after, and I’m super happy I went.

          1. I think that’s true for a lot of things. Eating healthy, going to the gym, getting enough sleep, vacuuming the floor, going to work, LGPs (sometimes) — I think a lot of adulthood, at least for me, is about making myself do things that I don’t want to do, because my long-term happiness is more important than my short-term lizard-brain desire to lay on the couch and read a book.

       2. I think this way too.

    7. Are you also I therapy for your depression? The combination of therapy, learning coping strategies. And optimizing all non-MED approaches for mood (sleeping well, exercise, happy light in summer, eating well etc…) is the most effective way of treating depression. As you get better using behavioral changes to address your mood, you may be able to decrease the dose of your MED and sometimes, even taper off. It takes time, and motivation though. And therapy will also give you some strategies for dealing with the libid0 issues in the meantime.

       Also, there are different classes of medicine for treating depression. Maybe yours needs to be changed. Sometimes even different meds in the same class can give different levels of side effects in different people. You may just need to switch it up. Lexapro, Effexor, cymbalta, mirtazapine, bupropion…. All a bit different, all have cheap generic versions…

       1. Thanks everyone for the thoughtful comments and ideas. Really appreciate it.

14. (Re-posting because I put it in the wrong place)

    In a similar vein to the teacher thread, does anyone have ideas for academic calendar jobs for lawyers or jobs that can be done remotely? I would love to teach at a law school but there’s none in my area (I know it’s very competitive to get those jobs anyway, but it’s not even a possibility for me).
    My DH is on an academic calendar and frequently has the opportunity to spend a month or more abroad every summer. I currently work an office job and obviously can’t take that long off. We both feel like it’s not fair for him to leave me at home with kid and dog and house maintenance for an entire month, so he usually just goes for a week. Long term, I’d love to find an academic calendar job or something I can do remotely so I that my daughter and I can accompany him. It would be better for his career and also would be a great experience for our daughter. (It should go without saying but if I were working remotely I’d hire a nanny or put my daughter in a formal camp-type program during the week. I wouldn’t try to work full time while taking care of her.)

    1. LSAT tutoring? Test prep tutoring/teaching? In-house counsel-type role at a college or university? Paralegal studies teaching? Pre-law advising at the college level? I’m sure there are more, but those all seem like options to start with.

       1. Not the OP, but how do you find these positions? Is there a job board or do you have to keep checking the websites for local colleges?

          1. The job postings on Chronicle of Higher Ed for the college/university-based roles. For tutoring, just Google “LSAT tutoring” or “SAT tutoring” + your area and the major companies will pop up (and will all have info on how to apply to tutor on their websites).

             1. Job postings at higheredjobs [dot] com seem to be the gold standard now – everyone I know has a “job agent” set up there. It emails you all the jobs that fit whatever paremeters you set, daily or weekly. It is less expensive to list jobs there than in the Chronicle so you will see a broader range of jobs there and, I believe, a larger quantity overall!

             2. Thanks for the tip re: higheredjobs. I’ve been intermittently looking in higher ed for about a year, but hadn’t realized the difference between that site and Chronicle.

       2. I did LSAT tutoring in law school and while it was very lucrative per hour and was a great part time job, it’s really hard to turn it into a 40 hour a week gig. I was never able to get more than about 10 hours per week even though I wanted more, and I knew others in the same boat. I think a lot of the major companies also make you sign non-competes so working for two companies at the same time to get more hours is not possible.

    2. I think it is hard to find lawyer jobs on an academic calendar. Even lawyers for the school district work all year long. In my area, there is a fair amount of contract work that can be pieced together (I would primarily be interested in appellate work) and I think I could manage my schedule in a way that I could take a long vacation or do much of it remotely, since there are fewer court appearances.

    3. Bar exam prep, contract lawyer/doc review, and Law School Admissions counseling come to mind. Are you in a practice that requires court appearances? If not, maybe you can just work remotely since clients don’t care where you are as long as you get the work done. Some practices are more amenable to that of course.

15. Can anyone recommend their favorite products for thin, frizzy hair? Bonus if they work for air-drying your hair versus using a blow dryer.

    1. I have fine hair that fuzzes up in humidity. Nothing works for me except mousse, a blow dryer, and Elnett. Unless I’m in Miami or New Orleans — the humidity is so high that my hair goes from fuzzy to soft waves and looks awesome air-drying. I have thought about moving . . .

    2. Plus one to mousse and a blow dryer. Most frizz-control product will just weigh down fine hair. Mousse plus blow dryer is the only thing that works for me. I also have started using Kenra products, including their blow-dry spray, which I really like because it actually seems to cut down on blow-dry time.

    3. I like “It’s a Miracle 10” leave in conditioner – I use it both when I blow-dry and when I air-dry. I have short, thin hair that gets oily easily form products, so a little goes a long way. I like the pump bottle better than the spray.

    4. I started “deep conditioning” I.e. Leaving my regular conditioner on for a half an hour while watching tv and it’s been a great improvement!

16. Please share your stories about having to talk to your parents (or in-laws) about their declining ability to drive safely.

    My FIL has gotten into three accidents in four months. All rear-end collisions, all total losses to the vehicles. My ILs are going through a lot of issues right now (bankruptcy, moving, etc) and my MIL is trying to tell us that the accidents are because he is distracted and upset. To my (and my husband and other siblings) mind, this is not an acceptable answer. We think he’s a danger to himself and to others, and he’s done.

    But how do we sell this???

    1. 1. depending on if they are all in the same state, he may lose his license anyway or have to recertify

       2. his insurance company may raise his rates too high for him to afford it if he is already strapped

       IMO, if you have police friends, they often see this and give you an overview (they seem to be the urgent care social service providers) or a good geriatrician (if they are in that demographic). Totally, totally common thing (sadly).

       1. Thank you. Given their financial circumstances, #2 is likely to be a significant factor.

          1. In which case, make sure he doesn’t just keep driving sans insurance. And be sure that you don’t own the car — liability for the car is on the owner (and based on the usual driver).

    2. Given his bankruptcy and the costs of the multiple totaled vehicles, are you or your siblings help funding any of this? If so, stop. Or tell him you’ll stop whatever else you may be funding for him as the costs of his deficient driving are getting too high.

       How old is he and is he still working? I think you’ll have more luck with the battle if he doesn’t *need* to drive. Lots of sympathy on this one. This is hard as there is so much independence and freedom tied up in ones ability to drive.

       1. Re: funding: no, we aren’t. Our assistance to them comes in the form of making sure that they are in attendance at milestone life events (marriages, graduations, etc) by paying for their plane tickets, hotel stays, meals, etc.

          He is 70, and is trying to work but having difficulty finding/keeping long term positions (for highly individualized circumstances that I don’t want to go into). They have zero in retirement and I don’t know how much they bring in in SS.

          1. Any chance that this is due to failing eyesight or developing night-blindness? Would you be willing to fund a trip to the optometrist just to have that possibility checked out?

             When my grandfather had his 2nd or 3rd accident (pretty sure he either fell asleep or had low blood sugar diabetic complications, luckily for everyone he wasn’t hurt and only hit a tree, not other vehicles), my uncle knew the mechanic well enough that he was able to have the mechanic tell my grandfather the vehicle was totaled when it wasn’t, knowing that my grandparents couldn’t afford another vehicle and that my grandmother wouldn’t let my grandfather drive her car. My grandfather had been retired for a while at that point though, and had slightly younger buddies willing to drive him around when my grandmother couldn’t.

          2. All three accidents have been during the daytime and in dry conditions. He does wear glasses but had his vision checked fairly recently and no significant change.

    3. For my husband’s grandfather, no one was going to be able to take away his driver’s license without it creating so much drama. He kept showing up missing a side view mirror and not being able to tell us what happened. So my father in law called up the police and asked them to follow the grandpa (saying he was old and not safe) and they pulled him over for not stopping at a stop sign. The police required him to re do his driver’s test and he was not able to pass it. So the grandpa couldn’t blame any family members but the problem was taken care of. Don’t know if all police departments would help with this, but it worked for them.

       1. +1 if you are in a small town or have a community police officer assigned to your neighborhood. They really don’t want to see people get hurt.

    4. Dear Prudence (back when Emily Yoffe was writing) and Carolyn Hax have both addressed this and had good answers, I thought. I think Emily Yoffe might have even written a longer form article for Slate about the issue. It’s hard. Good luck and thank you for thinking about the safety of others.

       1. What happened to Emily Yoffe? I looked forward to her wise advice and then she was gone and replaced by Mallory O., but no one explained why they made the switch or what happened there. Do you know why they decided to replace her!?!

          1. Emily Yoffe wrote a goodbye column on Slate (can’t find the article at the moment), but it was her own choice to pass the baton on to someone new.

             1. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2015/11/dear_prudence_emily_yoffe_says_goodbye.html

          2. She’s now a contributing editor at The Atlantic.

    5. It’s so hard, because it is really a loss of independence. My brother (the favorite child, haha) finally was the one who told my mom she had to stop driving. She listened to him. Had it been me or my sister, she would have thrown a fit. We all also make it very easy for her not to drive–offer to pick her up and take her places, offer to get things while we are at the store, etc. We let her friends know that they need to pick her up if they are going to go out for lunch or something.

    6. Took FIL to neurologist who specializes in Seniors. He gave FIL “doctors orders” that said he could no longer drive due to health issues. We has to take the car away to enforce and it has not been easy.

       1. I fear this is where we’re heading (and the fact that FIL is himself a doctor makes things worse because he thinks he knows everything about medicine/himself…)

17. Forgive what may be a super naive real estate question. My boyfriend and I have been having big future talk lately, and plan to get engaged/move in/marry around the same time (i.e. Short engagement/tiny wedding or elopement).

    He is a bit older than me and owns a house that has tripled in value. Bought for around $300k right after market crash in one of the most rapidly gentrifying neighborhoods in the country. It’s now worth somewhere around 1.2. For years, the house has been his project and pride – it was a major fixer-upper and he DIYed most of the work. He rents out a basement apartment for more than his monthly mortgage payment, so he is able to save a lot of cash. The house is one of his major life achievements, and there is about $150k on the outstanding mortgage.

    We live in a very very HCOL area. I rent and have always rented. I have assumed when we got engaged, I would move into his house. I have some negative feelings about it that I’ve never really vocalized – I don’t think it would ever feel like my house, since it’s been his for so long. He’s lived with another woman there. I worry he wouldn’t want to change things about the house, and it still needs a lot of work before it is child-safe. However, the property is such an amazing piece of real estate that I never imagined him moving. I had come to terms with this. While I’m very much in the “our money” camp of marriage, I also figured I would sign some kind of prenup, since he has put so much of his own money and time into the house.

    Last night, as his own thought completely, he said he should sell the house so that we could buy a place together, that would be truly ours. I have pretty minimal savings, but he says he would cover the down payment by selling his current house. I make slightly more income than he does, but we are both high earners without debt and excellent credit. With him covering the down payment we could afford a very nice home. I said I wouldn’t sign any prenup under this situation, and he said of course not. We would likely rent out an apartment in the house, as he does now – this is a common setup in our city.

    Is there something I’m missing here? It sounds too good to be true. Is this just what it means to get married? This seems so generous on his behalf – but I guess it is just what people do when they combine finances? Curious for some perspective here, and if it makes sense from a financial perspective to sell the house.

    1. My husband made a huge personal financial sacrifice when we got married- he agreed to pay off my student debt out of his personal savings because he wanted us to go into the marriage without that hanging over us. Because it was such a big decision, we talked to a trusted third party about it- I wanted to make sure he understood what he was giving up, both financially and legally, and I also wanted to hear him vocalize his reasoning to someone other than me because I was worried our judgment was clouded by happy wedding feelings.

       If your husband-to-be really wants to do this for himself, for you and for your marriage, I say be happy for it!

       I can’t really speak to whether or not it makes sense to sell the house… but I will say that I had the exact same concern about moving into my husband’s house. He had decorated it, lived there with another woman before me, etc. But after about a year, it began to feel like my home too (rather than just a place I lived). And after about two years, we began replacing some of his man-decor. And the stuff that’s left? I don’t even really think about it as his versus mine. So if it’s a house he loves and that you could love, given enough time, give it a chance. You may be years away from having kids, the house could appreciate more in that time, you’ll have more savings, and you might be able to get into the right long term home for your family.

       1. +1

          This house sounds like such an amazing financial opportunity, I wouldn’t leave it. I would never throw such a smart investment away, especially in a HCOL neighborhood. Give it time. Live there. Save your money. See if you can make it your home.

          Remember…. Marriage is not a fairy tale. It is a partnership. You need to be smart about it too. While it is a lovely gesture on his part, and it tells you a lot about his flexibility in wanting to make you happy, maybe you should come half way.

    2. 1) You should always get a prenup. Always always always.

       2) This is what couples do – they combine houses and assets and build a life together. Him paying the down payment isn’t “generous.” It’s not a “gift” to you.

       I think you guys need to have lots more money talks before you talk more about marriage.

       1. Agreed. You need to adjust your vocabulary.

          Or is this a yay congrats post? in which case, congrats!

    3. Why not float the house on the market and see what happens? Look at houses and figure out what it would cost to get you both what you want. Maybe you’ll find that you can get exactly what you want for a comparable amount to what you’re selling the house for, maybe you’ll find out that the house you have is the best option. It doesn’t hurt to look together.

       But yeah, this is the kind of thing that happens when you’re married. You become a team; it’s not that he’s doing this nice thing for you, it’s that the two of you are doing a nice thing together.

    4. ALSO. Just know that selling a house that has that much gain has different tax consequences if it’s been a rental vs if its your primary residence. And if you’re married, you can exclude $500k gain vs $250k gain if you’re single. So don’t sell it before you get married. Or before you talk to a CPA.

    5. You could also look at keeping the home as a rental property, pulling out equity (if it’s worth 1.2M and he owes 150k this should be easy) for a down payment on a home for you two.

    6. I don’t think you need a pre-nup. The down payment would come from his separate property ($$ from the sale of his house). If you ever divorced and had to sell your new house, he would get his money back BEFORE the proceeds of the sale are divided between the two of you. Example, he puts down a $200,000 down payment, you buy a house worth $750,000, you divorce 10 years later and you have $300,000 worth of equity in the house, he gets his $200,000 back and you divide the $100,000 remaining. No prenup needed.

       1. That is 100% not true! Once separate property is co-mingled, it is not separate property anymore. This also highly dependent on state law (including, but not limited to, whether you are in a community property state).

          1. So, it’s not true in your state perhaps? That doesn’t make it 100% not true. See below for NY rules per the NY City Bar website: Marital property includes:

             Real property you and your spouse bought together during the marriage, except for any contributions of your separate property you may have made to such property, like paying part or all of the down payment with separate property funds;

    7. This may out me but my husband’s step-mother moved into the house his parents had bought together and shared. I can’t imagine how tough that would have been. Can you follow her approach and just redo the house cosmetically and make it your own? Paint, new decorations and new furniture would do a lot to change the home. It seems like a shame to me to lose a good investment and incur tax consequences.

18. Does anyone have advice for introducing yourself to a new neighborhood?

    Background: My husband and I are moving into a very small, very established neighborhood (think less than 40 houses, somewhat isolated from the next neighborhood) and we’ve been told the residents are almost all 30-40 years older than us. We want to make a good first impression, get to know our neighbors, alleviate any concerns that we’re going to be throwing ragers in our front yard, etc.

    I was thinking we could go door to door introducing ourselves, maybe take over homemade baked goods? But if anyone has a tried and true approach to “getting to know your neighbors” I’d love suggestions!

    1. I think organic introductions are the best. Start with next door neighbors, then go for walks and meet people as you’re outside and they’re outside. While I wouldn’t turn away anyone who knocked on my door for an intro, I would definitely find it odd if I learned they were going door-to-door to meet folks. Also, homes transact all the time. You’re hardly their first new neighbor — give them benefit of the doubt that they don’t expect you to throw ragers.

       1. +1 on organic introductions. Go for walks and spend lots of time working in the front yard–people will stop by to say hello while you are out there.

       2. Ugh, why do people think things like this are odd? If someone came to my house with a plate of cookies and said “hi, I’m your new neighbor!” I would think “awesome! Cookies! And what a nice new neighbor!” I feel like half the time that someone has an idea about reaching out to people, someone responds that it would be weird. Why not just think that a nice gesture is a nice gesture?

          1. I’m not Opal but I think going to every neighbor with a plate of cookies is weird and try-hard. It’s one thing if you take a plate of cookies to your new next-door neighbor, but going door-to-door to every single house with cookies comes off like you want something from people and are trying to butter them up (pun intended). I’m all for being friendly and trying to meet your new neighbors but canvasing your neighborhood door-to-door is way beyond friendly. It comes off as creepy and sales-y and I think that’s why people find it weird.

             1. Yes to all of the above.

    2. Last summer I moved into a new small, well established neighborhood. I had the intent to bake cookies, but that never happened. Instead, I would go to one neighbor’s house and just knock on the door every day or two until I’d met everyone, and I made a point of saying hi and starting a conversation if I saw them walking in the evening or whatever. We also had a house warming and invited everyone on the street. We’re not best friends or anything, but we at least know everyone now!

       1. +1, we are planning to do a housewarming party and meet the neighbors that way.

19. I realize this is probably going to sound ridiculous, but when I set a goal, I get so invested in it that I get myself into this mindset where it feels like it’ll be the end of the world if I don’t meet it. This is happening right now. I normally quell this kind of stress by working more and by talking myself rationally the case for my success, and why my life won’t be over if I fail. I almost never fail, and on the occasions when I have, life has always gone on, and I find that my new situation is usually better for me in many ways that what I originally wanted. How do I keep this fear of failure in check without dialing back my investment in goals? I’m excessively career driven and ambitious, so focusing on my hobbies or the other things in my life doesn’t really work for me. Anyone have any thoughts or experience with this?

    1. Honestly?….. If this is truly your behavior, it may not change until you have a life experience so significant that it has to change. This could include a sudden change in your family (ex. illness/financial or personal loss), requiring you to move/help, or a death (with regrets you didn’t value things before it was too late), or a health problem for you from the long term effects of stress/anxiety.

       This is what I have seen.

       Clearly, this outlook is not healthy for many people, but if you are able to manage it with mindfulness and talking yourself down, that is great.

       But you know… life is often in the failures and how you deal with them. They hit us all at some point.

       Do you not have any other goals in life that actually have some value to the world? The people you love? Self-absorption will get pretty old to the people around you, if you want to have close, long term relationships. And those relationships are what you will realize are the most important thing in life, as you mature.

       1. Oh of course I have close relationships with people I love, and they are the most important thing to me, and I invest an enormous amount of time and energy in them. I don’t think being super invested in my career pursuits makes me self-absorbed. I didn’t mean to indicate that I don’t value anything else or that I don’t have other major things going on in my life, just that I get so spun up about making something happen when I decide to do it that when I try to calm myself down, diverting my focus doesn’t really help much. It’s an internal thing, it’s not like this impacts my relationships or is all that noticeable in any way. I’m just sort of an internally high-strung person about this set of things, and I’m wondering if there’s a way to not be without totally leaning out or caring less about the outcome.

          1. You may not think it’s impacting your relationships but it really can.

    2. I assume CBT would work to address this, but it sort of depends what goals you’re obsessing over. Obsessing over meeting or exceeding your target so you can increase your budget next year? Probably a sensible use of your time. Obsessing over replying to every single email within 5 minutes of receiving it? Probably doesn’t have a close enough relationship to your global results and is distracting more than helpful.

20. Vicarious shopping help?? I need to find my mother a dress for my brother’s wedding. It’s black tie so it needs to be long, but she is a fun/modern dresser. Her style tends to be similar to things you might see at Totokaelo or Oak but I can’t find good FORMAL wear at the normal stores. We’ve looked at all of our usual suspects. Any ideas? Help! Thank you!

    1. Is she open to a splurge? I’d vote St. John – appropriate for a mother of the groom but not matronly. e.g.

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/st-john-collection-drape-detail-liquid-satin-gown/4149046?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=CITRINE

       http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/st-john-collection-asymmetrical-cadygown-withsequinbelt/4149028?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&fashioncolor=CERISE

       1. Tadashi Shoji. My 50 ish sister in law looked amazing last year in one of their long dresses!

          1. This. I feel like there are some very simple but classic and stunning Tadashi Shoji MOB/MOG dresses from Nordstrom.

    2. Have you checked RTR?

    3. Budget?
       What comes to mind based on aesthetic you’ve described is Morgane Le Fay, but, it’s high dollar stuff.

    4. Junya Watanabe or Comme des Garcons? (This is definitely a splurge!)

21. I have a first world problem, to be sure. I was laid off, and don’t yet have a job. My severance means I don’t need to have a job for another 5 months or so before I would need to go into savings/we would be living off one salary. To be clear, I need to get another job, and I have (slowly) started to look for one. But what should I be doing with the time off? I’ve started going to the gym 3 times a week and am trying to work on our house with a massive decluttering project. I’ve also started trying to read for an hour a day. I can travel but it would be on my own as husband has a job without much vacation time, and I’m worried about having an interview come up and saying “sorry, I’m in XYZ.”
    If you had (say) 3 months off, what would you do with it? How would you spend your time so that looking back you wouldn’t regret having frittered it away on the couch, and so in job interviews you could describe how you spent your time so it didn’t sound frivolous. (Because, let’s face it, “going through closets” doesn’t sound super professional in a job interview.)

    1. Volunteer? CE/conference? Learn a new skill?

    2. I’d focus more on what you actually want to do with your time than how to describe it in a job interview. An interview will be about your past work experience, not your free time. But volunteering in some capacity is definitely a good idea, both as a vehicle to job-hunting and for staying busy.

       When I was in a similar situation, I committed to a 3 month period of volunteering 3 days/ week for a public services organization in my field to stay busy and continue to build my resume. When I did have job interviews, I explained that I was committed through x month. It actually went over really, really well with interviewers, and I had plenty of time to myself since it was only part-time.

    3. I would travel, but probably not for more than a week at a time and I would check email at least once a day. You don’t have to offer up the fact that you’re abroad if you get an interview, just tell them this week doesn’t work and can you schedule something for next week.

       1. +1 to short trips. Take this time to visit people you rarely see, like your parents or grandparents if they aren’t nearby, or friends from college. If you do get a call for an interview, saying “I’m currently out of town but I’m available after [date that is in a week or so]” isn’t unreasonable and any reasonable company isn’t going to have a problem with that.

          Are there other things that you used to enjoy but haven’t been able to do while working? For instance, cooking more involved meals, knitting, going for long walks, etc? Or taking a class in something you’ve always wanted to learn but that is often only offered in the daytime

          I also agree that volunteering would be a good idea, and would give you a good answer to “what have you been doing with your time since you left ABC Corp?”. Even if you only go for something that’s fairly low commitment and only 1-2x a week like reading with elementary school kids or walking dogs at a shelter or stacking donations at a food pantry, it’s still a good way to give your week some structure and give you something to do.

    4. For me personally, I would try to work on learning another language (and would try to take at least one trip to the location where the language was spoken, you know, to practice. Immersion and all that. Would pick a location with a beach, however). I would also try to volunteer in a way that would keep my skills up.

    5. I would look quicker for a new job.

    6. Can you get severance and income from a new job?

    7. I was unemployed for about 6 months and had probably 20 interviews before getting another job. I don’t think I was asked once what I did while I was unemployed. I think the assumption is that you are job-hunting. Nobody expects you to also do something amazing like learn a foreign language. I would focus on looking for a job efficiently. To me that means spending up to 8 hours a day on job stuff, if there is stuff you can be doing (including networking, searching for jobs, applying to jobs, etc.). Beyond that I would focus on enjoying your time off so you’ll be rested and ready to get back to work when you do find something. For me, travel is part of that, but YMMV.

    8. I was laid-off before and my approach was to be singularly focused on networking and finding a new job. It can take time – for some people it can take years – and you need to set the groundwork so that if an opportunity comes up, you are ready to grab it and start right away. So, I did not travel, volunteer or do any of that stuff. I literally made coffee and lunch appointments daily, with at least 2 one-on-one meetings for each workday and asking for leads to other folks. I submitted resumes for every open position I saw on-line, even positions that were temp or part-time or not exactly in my field. I also attended every industry organization event that was free in order to meet more people who might have job leads. Just so you know, there are some studies that say that people who are unemployed for more than 6 months have a harder time finding a job because other people wonder why the person has not been hired. It sounds unfair, but I’ve experienced it from the hiring standpoint as well, where people might make assumptions that the candidate is rich, or picky or not serious about their career.

    9. Take advantage of your time off! How many more times in your life will you have the opportunity to be off work (relatively) guilt-free? Travel, relax, spend time with your friends and family, catch up on books and TV. I’m so jealous!

       1. +1

22. I have a 2nd interview later this week (yay!). I wore my favorite suit for the 1st interview – I’m meeting a different person this time. Should I (can I?!?) wear my favorite suit again? I have others, of course, but I love my favorite suit.

    (I should also probably only purchase suits that I consider a “favorite” from now on, huh?)

    How do you plan your wardrobe progression for interviews?

    1. Same suit, different shirt and accessories. No one will notice it’s the same one.

23. My La Canadienne boots have been marked down even more at Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/La-Canadienne-Womens-Serafina-Suede/dp/B00BJI6IK8?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=ox_sc_mini_detail&smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER

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