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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Simply Stylish Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This dress is so elegant-looking. The jersey fabric is super flattering, and it’s machine washable! I would wear this on a day when I needed to look put-together at the office, and somewhat festive for an after-work event. The gathered waist and asymmetrical hemline give it just a little something special. The dress is $65.40 (marked down from $109) and available in sizes 14W–26W. Simply Stylish Dress An option in straight sizes is from Anne Klein for $139. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.5

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360 Comments

  1. This dress looks great and I love the details. I’m a 4/8 pear (formerly 4/6 pear, sigh, gravity + desk job + aging + pasta), so it’s not in the cards for me but I love that it exists for others. When I win the lottery, I am going into specialty semi-couture: pear sizes (so you can buy things in a size 4-6 or size 4-8), things for tall people, things for 14+ people, things for people <5-2. I think that the market is hotly competitive for a size 2 woman who is 5-5 but thin in options for everyone else.

    1. While you’re at it, would you please also make clothes for small short triangles? (2P top, 0P bottom)?

      1. Yes! Absolutely!

        Maybe Project Runway could use people vs models, thus training a new generation of designers who can dress people desperate for good options (or sometimes, any C- option)?

        Signed,
        I also have no torso and can only wear shift dresses

      1. I appreciate your user name, and I wanted you to know that.

        Signed,

        Would also go anon for pasta

    4. Seriously. I’m 5’4 and pretty much straight up and down but with a post-child belly that I’m still working on. I simply cannot do the thin jersey dresses or the ‘elegant’ midsection ruching as it just makes me look larger. And a slight a-line dress that is also not too twee, or a skimming shift dress (as opposed to the claire underwood skin-tight versions) are almost impossible to find.

      1. What do you want, style-wise, as a 10/4. Something to visually project an 8/6 shape? Or just a 10 top that looks good on a 4 bottom (or dress that fits both parts well)?

        1. I don’t understand the question. Like everybody else on this thread, I want clothes that fit and look nice.

      2. I’m a 6/4 with a short torso. I measure a large in most sizing because of my bust size, but can’t actually wear a large. Soooooo frustrating.

        1. Take a look at Bravissimo. I love the way their clothes actually fit my large bust.

      3. co-signed. If we can find a way to work in super broad shoulders as well, that would be idea.

    7. Agreed about this dress. I love the idea of an asymmetrical hemline, and yet on me it looks like it was just ruined in the wash.

  2. Our school hosts third-party provided after-school activities on its grounds. Some, like soccer, are outside. Others (chess, spanish) are indoors. Because of school security, the school building is locked and after school is over, the office staff goes home, so no one is there to let you in (so even if your kid in inside, you have to wait until they are done and come out).

    You know where this is going: one of the adults was a child molester who continued molesting kids, and used to make them practice lock-down drills, turning off the lights, making the kids put their heads down on the desk, separating his victim in another room. It’s like we made it so easy for him to do this. He knew no adult would stumble upon him and the kids are compliant with lock-down drills, so even though there are witnesses, they can’t really provide much help to the police.

    I am, of course, beyond livid. But it is an example of how short-sighted and risk-averse thinking allows predators to find new ways to be predators. How do we prevent this?

    FWIW, I was able to stumble into the predator’s after school activity because I was friends with people in the other after-school activity who’d let me their side of the building the few times I got off work early and wanted to pick up my kids early and OMG he was so startled to see me suddenly appear. Maybe it spared my kids? But my BFF’s kids are going through forensic police interviews and they are all so freaked out (never mind the children who were molested). The school is “we told you these were outside contractors,” which is so tone deaf I want to scream and totally misses the point and doesn’t give me hope that the people who designed this system will fix it — my Q is can you?

    1. You don’t let men be around kids unsupervised. Nearly all molestations of strangers disappears. I’m sorry for what he did to those kids.

      1. What? No. Your comment is ridiculous, overreactive in the extreme and seriously insulting to millions of dedicated professionals.

        1. I feel bad for the good men out there, because this is unfair to them. OTOH, I tell my kids to “look for a mommy or grandma” if they get lost.

          1. +1 I always tell my kids to look for a mom with kids. Because the last thing a mom with kids wants…is more kids. She will help you find help.

            I’m not inherently distrustful of men though.

          2. I’ll feel bad for the good men out there once they start lifting a finger to combat child abuse and violence against women. They’re too comfortable with the status quo and eager to leave the dirty work to the moms. They don’t want to challenge the bad men and until they do, I don’t consider them good men worthy of a special head-pat on this issue. Harsh, but it’s what I believe.

        2. The OP asked for what would work and that would work. Why should the sex that does 99% of the child rape do 50% of the child care?

          1. I am concerned that predatory crimes by women may under reported (and I know of women predators that were not reported). I suspect the real numbers would be more proportionate to the number of women offenders in contexts like prisons and nursing homes.

          2. OP here: our area is starting to have some reports of (again: school-based, often middle or high schools though, even though elementary schools are like 95% female-staffed) female involvement as perpetrators. One so bad that it made the Daily Mail (we are in the US, maybe a top 50 city).

          3. My nephew was abused by a female teacher. I don’t know if it’s rarer or underreported, but it does happen and getting help and making the case is harder because people think women aren’t abusers.

        3. Leaving out the “men” part, I thought this was accepted best practices (minimum of two adults at all times).

          1. This. Two adults at all times when children are present. This is how our daycare works, so even if there’s just one kid left waiting for pick up, there’s still two adults at the day care

        4. I think the men part is a little sexist, but it is surprising to me that there aren’t two adults leading this activity. It does sort of seem like asking for trouble for one adult to be alone with children, especially indoors where no one can see what they’re doing (outdoors on say, a soccer field, seems different). I’m still in the daycare years of parenting though, and daycares are very vigilant about always having two adults present.

      2. While it’s true that most sexual abuse is perpetrated by men, simply removing people based on sex without looking at the role power and authority play in many of those cases historically (priests, bosses, government officials, police, prison guards, family patriarchs) is not likely to solve the problem.

        We live in a society where men have had massive amounts of power for a long time. To pretend like the abuse of that power (both in the moment and in covering it up later) is purely biological is a mistake.

      3. Your issues with men and your perspectives here are not shared by everyone else in the population for the simple reason that what you are saying is patently untrue. If you legitimately believe all men are predators you need therapy, stat, to reconcile whatever experiences you’ve had with the reality of the world.

      4. No, it’s not “don’t leave kids alone with men”, it’s “don’t leave kids alone with any single strange adult”. That’s why most day cares and after school programs require at least two adults in the room at all times, more if there are a lot of children. Heck the reasoning behind it is why there is always a nurse standing to the side during your well woman. The doctor doesn’t really need her there, but a second pair of eyes.

        1. Not wading into the rest of this, but to your last point, that’s definitely not universal. I’ve had my annual exams performed by at least half a dozen different doctors/NPs and I can’t think of a time a nurse was in the room.

          1. The only time I had a nurse in the room was when it was a male doctor. (I prefer to see a woman OB/GYN but she was out sick and I was already there for my appointment and had taken off work for it so just went ahead with the man. He was completely professional but it was awkward for me even with the female nurse in the room.)

        2. My very large (but regional) HMO provider now requires a witness for all OB/GYN exams. It’s a newer policy for female doctors but apparently has been a policy for male doctors for some time.

          I think it’s definitely becoming a thing.

    2. Look into the rules the Boy Scouts used for generations: at least two adults are present at any time, and are never alone with kids.

      Teach the kids these rules, too.

      1. This. I’m shocked any school related program doesn’t have criminal record checks plus vulnerable sector checks in place and at least two adults present at all times.

        Our school doors are locked after hours but there is a walkie talkie outside the door that parents use to buzz the program leaders who then come open the door, and if someone didn’t appear in the length of time it takes to walk the hall, I’d be pretty suspicious. Pick ups occur between 4-5:30 depending on when parents get off work plus there are usually at least a few teachers in the school between 3-4 doing various tasks so it sounds like a lot could be different in the above scenario.

    3. OP here:

      I will add this: the predator was the owner of a single-person LLC and likely would not have been hire-able by any diligent company (illegal alien, prior police involvement without charges in our county for s*x contact with a child in a similar situation).

      I am a Scout parent and church volunteer, so we are big on 2-adults deep (although I am not sure background checks are done; I had to be fingerprinted and background-checked for my job and submit a driving record, so I may have been a safe bet just based on my day job), which often means 4 adults deep b/c if a kid gets sick or has to go to the bathroom (door open for younger kids, wait outside or watch them enter/leave door if <3rd grade IIRC), then 2 grownups have to escort the kid to the nurse or off-site treatment and you still need 2 adults to stay with the others.

      I think that with the school situation, a big problem was that there was frequently just the one predator who came or there were technically 2 adults, but they divided b/w older and younger kids in 2 rooms. And no oversight (I understand that that isn't a school priority or budgetary feasible), but in that case you need to rely on sunshine (ability of others to stumble across mischief), which is also not feasible in a building that is locked "for your kid's safety."

      1. I’m surprised the school district doesn’t require that anyone using their facilities to get background checked. But you are making me question my assumptions about the safety of afteschool providers at our school, so thank you for that wake up call.

        1. This. The school and district should 100% be sued over this. There is no way that anyway that cannot pass a records check should be around children.

          1. Yup – this has BIG lawsuit written all over it. Sadly – sometimes unless organizations are sued and a BIG public stink is made nothing changes (and sometimes not even then, I’m looking at you Catholic dioceses…)

        2. I’m also shocked by that. I’ve volunteer with a number of tutoring programs (none of which are through the school system), and we always need to be fingerprinted and undergo a background check. I’m now wondering if the schools rely on the third-party organizations to do the background checks and this guy just lied that he had done it.

        3. Checking for conviction =/= checking for involvement (IIRC, this guy had molested a girl before, but the parents did not want to pursue it, which I totally get, so I am not sure if he was not charged or did some lesser charge (battery) or it was just dropped). I know that an arrest is not a conviction, but I’d want to know about even arrests just to nose around the facts of that a bit.

          But that’s just me. I don’t know that organizations do that. Or what their insurance (if they have it) requires. Or what happens if you are clean in August but there is police involvement in September.

          This guy was in the country illegally, so no one else could have hired him (or the SS# would have not come back on eVerify; I’m not sure why he was still here after the first involvement), but he was self-employed through an LLC, so the LLC is who the contracting entity with the school was. And you can say that you require entities to do XYZ for their “employees” but that doesn’t mean that they do things and that excludes owners.

          Ugh.

          1. The contract with the school should have provided that anyone who has any contact with children has to pass both a criminal check and a vulnerable sector/child protection check which lists involvement not just criminal convictions. E.g. if you have had your kids removed for neglect but were not actually convicted of a crime, you should not be around kids.

            It’s not complicated, it’s like school mgmt 101.

          2. I think that the contract provisions aren’t worth the paper they are printed on.

            If the school does no oversight to ensure compliance with contract provisions and has none of its employees onsite for general access / oversight on a daily basis, just assume that predators know that and rely on it.

            My clients (companies with deep pockets who are worried about headline risks and all other risks) have armies of legal and compliance personnel to guard against things like this (which still happen). My guess is that school districts have 0, have no budget / personnel for this, and would do it poorly if they tried.

            Schools are going to be locked up (no one wants their kid to go to the bathroom only to find an adult stranger in there who wants to harm them) more for younger kids than high schools (which often have a multi-building campus-type set up with many open doors).

            Caveat emptor.

    4. Age apropriatee open communication about sex may not prevent them from encountering a molester, but it empowers them to stop it. Things like teaching them names for their parts, who is allowed to look and touch (drs and parents, with permission), that some behavior like kissing etc is only for adults and older people…
      but this is a lot like sex ed, which sadly doesnt have much support in society right now.

      1. Our family’s general rule is that if a part is under your bathing suit or underwear, no adult should touch you over your clothes there (and certainly not under your clothes) or see those parts. The grooming stuff that happened here is troubling — how do you explain that to very young kids?

        The part in the Gift of Fear about never letting someone move you elsewhere alone is so the 100% truest thing I have ever come across.

    5. Curious as to what kind of school this is? After school activities in the public schools I attended were not conducted in this manner. There was always someone affiliated with the school (a teacher or administrative official who served as a coach or club director) on hand. Is it a religious institution? They often cover this stuff up and let it continue.

    6. We ask out kids everyday what their favorite and hardest things were. Sometimes they want to tell their saddest or happiest thing as well. I alternate whether it is the favorite or hardest thing about their school day or their after school program. That kind of discussion also helps parents note any unusual activities like lock-down practice during an after school program without prior notice to parents.

    7. I had to get a background check to volunteer in our local schools and I’m almost never alone with children. It’s surprising to me (and scary) that they wouldn’t background check people who are using their facilities after school.

    8. I’m so sorry for what happened to these kids.

      The Gift of Fear, which I read thanks to a rec here, has an entire chapter on school safety and an appendix on how to address safety in schools. This in my simple understanding, would be an excellent start for getting people to think about safety in schools, rather than assume it is inherently part of the structure.

      1. There was an issue at a DC school recently where the aftercare provider said that they conducted background checks on their employees, but never really did them. So, trust no one.

      2. The same author has a specific book about keeping children safe called Protecting the Gift. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s on the list.

    9. Sad but the school bears zero responsibility. It was a 3rd party, you knew it was a third party and if you did no diligence, shrug. And how do you know your kids were spared? Because you picked them up early twice? How about the times you didn’t pick them up early?

      1. This is a shockingly callous way of telling someone their children might have been abused…

      2. Disagree. In my jurisdiction the school would be liable. By allowing the third party access to the school grounds and to provide service on the school grounds they are holding them out as a suitable activity for young children which, based on OP’s comments above, was not the case as the contract did not require and enforce that those working with children had suitable checks in place.

      3. I don’t think it is remotely accurate to say the school bears no responsibility. I’ve seen litigation that says otherwise.

      4. I think that the expression is “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” This is about not being fooled twice.

        FWIW, my school has people at its open house from scouts, soccer club, chess club, golf, chorus, etc. The chorus teacher is the music teacher. The rest are outside vendors who may recruit through the school or meet at the school. I think some churches and community orgs meet at some schools (leasing space as tenants) but they don’t recruit there. It it comes to you through the school, I wouldn’t assume (now) that anything is vetted or even supervised. And if you can’t observe, question why. If you can’t observe, you don’t know if there is 2-deep leadership at all times or what vetting is done. If you can observe at will, without notice, then I’d overall worry less.

    10. The school needs to improve its risk management. I understand the school taking the position that it’s not legally liable, but that’s not a good reason to refuse to examine how it can help prevent this kind of thing in the future. Other organizations, like hospitals, try to figure out what could be done better next time, even if they don’t think they’re to blame legally.

      I would lobby hard for the school system to bring in a consultant to help it get better policies and practices. Given what happened, making no changes just allows the very same thing to happen again.

  3. What are some tips to get through a difficult job search? I will be leaving a toxic job soon and despite getting many interviews, nothing has worked out. I’m getting worried because the job market in my area is pretty bad for lawyers and each rejection is one more option that is eliminated. Between the feelings about leaving my job and the demoralizing rejections I am feeling very dejected.

    1. Can you tell us more? I was an associate at a very toxic job and the way I got out was by asking my opposing counsel for help. They were my best references and put me in touch with some wonderful people.

      1. I left a toxic firm, switched the side of the v I am on, and now work for a firm that was frequently my opposing counsel before. Not a bad place to look for jobs.

    2. I’m sorry! The job search can be so rough!! Not in law but I had a few interviews that didn’t go well. I was very optimistic and my interviewers seemed like they would want to proceed to the next round with me, but they never got back and I never got any feedback. I did ask one interviewer for feedback but he never responded. When I was feeling down, my colleague said they likely already had someone in mind and were just interviewing for the sake of it or they didn’t actually hire anyone. It’s not you!! Don’t let this discourage you. My suggestion is to network! Make them like you before you get into the interview. Unfortunately it’s all about who you know.

    3. Have you thought about expanding your geographic region and relocating? I think the key is to set a specific goal every day, like I’m going to apply to one job a day and reach out to x person for coffee or lunch a day. It’s always dark when you are job searching, but daylight will come.

      Also, keep in mind that December is usually a low month for hiring and that interviews usually pick up starting in January.

    4. I am also in the toxic workplace situation. Started job-hunting in the summer and my search got derailed by a serious car accident. (Still salty about that — I had a couple of opportunities come up that I had to pass up due to surgeries and the fact that I needed to be fingerprinted for job clearances and couldn’t be with my hand in a hard splint — potential employer would not budge.) I’ve noticed that some employers have to post jobs and may even interview even though they know who they are going to put in that role. It’s not you! Really! (Seconding Anon at 12:41) Also, I think some employers interview just to fish around — they want to see who is out there and what they can find before actually committing to creating a position for somebody (basically, it’s a “it’s going to cost us x amount of $$$ to hire somebody to do x amount of work, is it worth it or do we keep killing Mary who’s already doing that part of the job?” research project.)

      And Anon at 2:00 is right. Hiring absolutely DIES in December. Everyone is cramming in their vacation time and anyone with any authority to hire or interview is out of the office. Nobody’s mind is on hiring, and if it is, it’s because they’re probably tearing their hair out planning next year’s budgets and seeing if they can hire anyone. I keep reminding myself of this as I read the job listings and talk myself down from panic mode. Things will pick up in January and hopefully we both will have awesome new jobs on the horizon.

      Hang in there with me!

      1. And especially true THIS December. The way Thanksgiving fell, there’s really only 3 working weeks in Dec and that last week from the 16th-20th is when people start getting out of town etc. so everyone is just focused on getting work done from now until Dec 15 — not interviewing, going thru resumes, or even posting positions.

  4. Looking for recommendations on FOOTED fleece tights. I find the seam on regular tights so uncomfortable! It either gets caught under my toenails or slides under my toes.

    I have a pair of these and I like them, but they aren’t fleece lined and I don’t think the texture is always appropriate: VERO MONTE 1 Pair Stretchy Tights Hue Tights 4 Women Control Top Tights (BLACK) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B073WV62J7/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_j6q6DbXYCM8FZ

    1. I got a pair from Silks that can work under work clothes as ordinary tights but they’re very cozy.

  5. An important article about an issue that’s receiving far too little attention:

    https://www.nytimes.com/2019/12/05/opinion/politics/antisemitism-europe-corbyn.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share

    “There is a theme here. The theme is that Jew-hatred is surging and yet Jewish victimhood does not command attention or inspire popular outrage. That unless Jews are murdered by neo-Nazis, the one group everyone of conscience recognizes as evil, Jews’ inconvenient murders, their beatings, their discrimination, the singling out of their state for demonization will be explained away.“

    1. Ugh, it’s horrific. The ECHR reporting came out this am and it was awful reading. And their rival is a party whose leader will use horrifically Islamaphobic and homophobic slurs. As a political scientist, I can always muster some enthusiasm for a general election but I just feel super downtrodden by this point.

    2. Bari Weiss is a fascist shill, a Zionist, and hates leftist politics. She has an axe to grind. Don’t post this garbage on the fun blog that I read when I am taking a break.

      1. Maybe this article will help you reflect on why you respond to a call to action about anti-Semitism with “the author’s a Zionist.” I’m sad people like you exist – not only because of your hateful beliefs, but because you want to bury your head in the sand to boot.

          1. Lol, first time someone has said “ok boomer” to me as a millennial, but it just makes me more sad for you! I’m sorry you’re just not smart on top of all your other issues.

        2. But the author *does* align herself with problematic beliefs towards Muslims and Palestinians. I still find the rise of anti-Semitism in Europe horrifying.

          1. I watched the Charlie Hebdo situation unfold and small versions of that keep playing out. And I see rising anti-Semitism here (often veiled in political terms, but not passing the laugh test), too.

          2. I find the rise of hate crimes and discrimination horrifying, regarding of what race, religion, or gender it is based on.

      2. That may or may not be true. It does not detract from Cb’s point that both Corbyn and the Tories have seriously problematic beliefs.

        I know she wants to focus on her family, but Ruth Davidson would be an excellent PM.

        1. Because you’ll believe the slander some Internet rando tells you about someone instead of using your own intellect to form your own opinions? Geez.

          1. LOL no, I know who Bari Weiss is and I have formed my own opinions. But yeah, you definitely want to make me change my mind!

      5. And? If Hitler rose from the dead and said “sexual assault is a real problem in the Catholic Church”, would you disagree on the grounds that he’s a terrible person?

        By all means, seek more information from other sources and fact check areas where you believe the author may be biased. Since you seem informed in this area, maybe suggest better articles for the rest of us! But dismissing an argument on the basis of who is saying it is logically fallacious.

      6. There’s nothing wrong with supporting Israel and thinking the Jewish people deserve a country.

  6. Does this legal job exist? Interesting/challenging work, a 40 hour work week with minimal last minute deadlines or night/weekend work, and a decent salary?

    1. It exists, but it’s definitely a unicorn and whether or not you can get this kind of job has a lot to do with luck, not just your skills.

      1. Yes, exactly. Understanding that the definition of “interesting” varies for everyone, the issue is that this is a highly desirable series of traits. So you need to be super lucky or very competitive or both. I had my ideal career path picked out in law school which I thought would give me that trifecta — interesting/meaningful, decent but not great salary, and reasonable work-life balance (40-50 hrs unless swamped), and turns out that I was simply not competitive enough for it in a down economy. The people who were selected for these types of positions had degrees from HYS or similar and federal clerkships. In hindsight, the path that would have been more likely to lead me to such a job would have been to take an even lower paying version of what I wanted in an undesirable area for a few years, and work up from there. But for Reasons, that wasn’t the right choice for me.

    2. Depends on your definition of decent salary.

      I have a friend who has been an administrative law judge for a state for 20+ years. OTOH, she takes away health professionals’ licenses for a living and only sees Really Bad Often Unfixable Things.

      1. +1 as to decent salary (which has changed over time for me, esp after having kids). I had the job you are describing as a fed gov’t attorney (maybe slightly more than 40 hours a week, but only leading up to trial, usually) but the salary became disappointing, especially after I maxed out at around 165K. At this point in my career, I want more money than that and am willing to put in the hours for it. I agree with others that in house may be the kind of job you are looking for, but those are extremely competitive. I have a friend who is in house at a major entertainment studio and she loves it, and makes good money (between 200-250K/year, plus bonus).

    3. I pretty much have this at my small-ish regional firm. Extremely LCOL area. Most of the other attorneys on here (definitely the BigLaw ones) would probably laugh at my compensation as an equity partner, but the lifestyle trade-offs are well worth it to me. We have an 1800 billable “requirement” that is rarely met by associates with very little effect on their compensation or ability to make partner.

      1. It blows my mind that you could work 40 hours at a law firm, even in small law. unless you’re part time or own the firm or something like that. I worked at a small law firm with a 1700 billable hour requirement. No one was pulling all nighters or working 21 days straight or anything like that, like the Big Law horror stories you hear, but it was a very consistent 50+ hour per week expectation. At least from my experience and what I’ve heard from friends, Small Law generally expects more business development and networking than Big Law does, especially at the associate level, so even if you’re billing fewer hours you’re not working way less overall. I only had to bill 35 hours to hit my target, but that required 40-45 hours of working, plus then there was all this business development stuff I was supposed to be doing.

      2. That doesn’t seem possible, at least as your firm has set up the expectations. 1,800 hours a year is 34 hours a week, assuming no vacation weeks. Add in required non-billable work, time keeping and billing, some professional development, and vacations and holiday and then you are probably closer to 50 hours a week

          1. What are they actually billing? I commented above, but my requirement was 1700 and that still required 50+ hours/week of work. I find it really hard to believe an associate could have a 40 hour workweek unless you they only have to bill like 1500 a year.

          1. But then you are stressed you are going to lose your job because you are not meeting the requirement. If the firm doesn’t expect or have enough work for their associates to meet the billable hour requirement, then they should change the requirement.

          2. She said that it has very little effect on compensation and ability to make partner so why would they be stressed?

      3. DH is a partner at a small law firm and works 40-45 hours per week. They don’t even have a billable hour requirement and he typically bills 1400-1500 hours per year. but as a PP commented, there is an expectation of business development/networking, so he does have that to deal with as well.

        1. My DH is similar – works for a regional firm, made income partner with minimal business generation/ book requirements. He is extremely well respected within the department and the business-generating partners gladly hand off their work to him because of that. I don’t think this role of “non-income generating, very smart partner” existed at the AmLaw 50 firms I worked at. There is some stress with billable hours, but he still generally works an 8:30-5 day with occasional evenings, early mornings, and weekends. Money when he started there was a lot lower than my bigfirm salary (and still is) but has gotten better with raises over time to be comparable to my in-house salary.

      4. I sort of have this. More like 50 hours a week. Make about 70% of biglaw in an HCOL, which I consider decent. Have worked 2 weeks so far in 2019.

    5. I think a lot of federal government jobs fit the bill for this. The salary is decent– not biglaw dollars but not bad. Little expectation of night/weekend work. Deadlines known well in advance, usually. Interesting depending on what your interests are and what the job is. Have you looked at USAJobs?

      1. IME, most of the federal government attorneys with interesting and challenging work put in more than 40 hours a week. There are some expectations, but it is not that common.

        1. as a fed attorney for ten years, idk if I agree with anon at 10:29. After you get through the intro rookie rotation and get settled into your caseload, the vast majority of my colleagues were able to control and manage their schedule into that 40-50 hour window for most of the year. The only exceptions were trial and maybe leading up to indicting a big case, but again, after a certain level of seniority, you’re not doing a whole bunch of trials every year. My office is pretty much empty at 6 p.m. every day.

    6. I think it is very, very rare to get all three. When I was in biglaw, I had interesting/challenging work and a great salary. As a government attorney, I have a 40 hour work week with basically no last minute deadlines or night/weekend work and a decent salary. Some of my friends who are government attorneys have interesting/challenging work, but most of them also work a decent amount more than 40 hours a week. I have a few friends in non-profits who have interesting/challenging work and pretty standard 40 hour weeks, but they don’t make what I consider a decent salary for an attorney (high 5-figures in a HCOL city).

      For me, I figure I can have two out of the three at any one time. Which two I can want changes over time, but I’m decently happy with my current trade-offs.

      1. +1 to getting 2/3. In Biglaw, I had the salary and amazing work. Then I went to the federal government, where I had great work/life balance, an ok salary, but was bored out of my mind. I decided that, for me personally, the long hours of BigLaw were worth doing the super interesting and challenging work, and so went back to BigLaw and am quite happy now (esp with the additional perspective). I’m in a super niche field, so limited other options. Finding 3/3 seems to be a complete unicorn.

      1. Do you have to be located in DC for these types of jobs? Please excuse the ignorance if it’s an obvious answer. Also are corporate attorney backgrounds good entryways to these types of jobs or is it all litigation?

        signed, someone dreaming about this job….

        1. You don’t have to be in DC (I’m not) but at least at my agency, you do have to live where there is an office. Most people in my role have a litigation background.

    8. It does for me. I’m in a compliance position for a Fortune 100 company. I think I have a really good salary ($190K+) and last year my bonus was $70K. I also have a employer funded pension (I know that’s really rare) and a 401K with a 6% match. I have pretty good hours, I come in early so I can leave early. I have challenging work and I rarely have a crisis. I know this may be a unicorn position, but they do exist!

      1. Forgive a potentially stupid question, do you have to be a lawyer for this type of position?

      2. If you don’t mind saying, what’s your seniority level for this comp? I just moved into a Fortune 100 company (so lowest seniority in our legal department but significant firm experience) and make a good bit less than that, although I know I have room to grow here. Thanks!

      3. What does “pretty good hours” mean? Is it actually 40 hours a week, or do you just not mind working 50?

    9. I feel like I have this job as an appellate lawyer in state government, except for maybe the decent salary part. Though it depends on what your definition of that is. I feel like I make enough money (85k in a low cost of living state with a pension plan and good health insurance.)

      1. Yes, I was going to say this, too. I was an appellate attorney for some years and it is a great job. I had a similar salary (this was 15 years ago) but the pension plan was good plus they matched 401(k) and 403(b) contributions.

    10. I’ve only been at my insurance defense litigation practice for a year but it has been very close to that. We are just very efficient with technology and admin support, and the partners I work for are excellent communicators so there are never last minute emergencies. It has been bliss.

    11. My job. Canadian JAG. Obviously, being in the army has certain issues but my Justice colleagues don’t have those issues and otherwise we do very similar type jobs (I make a bit more). I am embedded in a Justice unit so that is my immediate experience. My husband and I have also be extremely strategic about which postings I have requested and how we matched our careers and have good success BUT it means I lean way out. Definitely not a careerist but I love my work, which is high level and exciting and I make fabulous money and the benefits are killer.

      1. I make decent money and work <40 hrs/week, work is usually interesting. Small to mid law in BOS. But I toiled for about 8 years making just over 6 figures before getting any kind of a meaningful raise or bonus.

      2. I should have said that I think I make fabulous money at 165k but this is certainly lower than many here ( but essentially a full salary for one year of mat leave, which I have done four times).

    12. I’m an in house GC at a mid size company. It’s great work – complex international issues that keep me on my toes in the best way. Hours are generally 8-5. I make $225,000 plus a 25% contribution to retirement.

      I work hard and am good at my job, but most of my unicorn status is luck. I’m not going to delude myself in this regard.

    13. I had almost this as a junior in-house lawyer—I worked more, but it was largely on my terms. It was a unicorn position without long-term potential. The senior lawyers had to work more, including after hours (if there’s something urgent after hours, you want a more seasoned lawyer, not the kid with a fresh bar card.)

    14. I have a number of friends in these jobs but I think this depends on your definition of interesting work and decent salary and your willingness to move. My friends who have these jobs are in rep and warranty insurance, in house roles (non-GC) at big companies, working for the fed as someone noted above, working in niche practice areas at lower ranked big law firms (i.e. a specialty tax practice) and working for regional law firms in non-coastal cities (Twin Cities, Denver, etc.). I personally wouldn’t find some of those jobs interesting, although I think the pay is good. Many of my peers at my big law firm don’t think the pay for those roles is sufficient.

  7. I’m considering leaving a government job to work at legal aid. I can do the math on the slight pay cut, but I was hoping others with legal aid experience could help me guess what to expect in terms of the rest of the deal. What are the costs/benefits besides the obvious?

    1. Costs: lack of resources, high caseload, clients with many significant issues you cannot help them with (largely a result of poverty and systemic racism, but more specifically often issues like mental illness, unstable housing situations, lack of regular access to a phone or email, etc.), cases can start to feel routine (which can lead to compassion fatigue) and often are not legally complex

      Benefits: working in legal aid attracts genuinely good people who make good co-workers, regular hours, your work genuinely has a tangible impact on people, and the feeling when a client tells you that your work changed their life is pretty special

      1. The unsolvable-ness of the very many real problems faced by clients was what I couldn’t do. So draining.

    2. Besides the obvious gross salary, have you looked into retirement benefits and health benefits? Government retirement tends to be pretty good with significant matches and the govt also puts in a good % of the healthcare premium. Not saying Legal Aid doesn’t do this but look into it to make sure you have the full numbers picture; that 5% match you have right now if you’re federal (at least – I know some agencies are higher) is real compensation which I think sometimes people forget.

      1. +1. I was at legal aid for 5 years. We only got a 2% match to our 403b after 2 years of employment.

        Our office was unionized, as are many legal aids in our state. So, we had good vacation/leave and health insurance.

        Grant funding makes many positions unstable. Your job may be gone in 2 or 3 years if it is a term-limited grant funded position.

        Many clients have undiagnosed mental and behavioral health issues. Many are not sympathetic clients. Poverty causes people to be in a survival mode and not act “reasonably”. I still loved the work, but we had a lot lot of turnover from colleagues who burned out.

  8. Has anyone dealt with a colleague that is showing signs of dementia? For reference, he is not my boss but we do work together frequently on strategic initiatives. I have known him 20 years so I have lots of years of interacting with him and knowing how he works and who he is. In the last year, I have noticed a significant decline in his ability to recall conversations and decisions we have agreed upon. It’s frustrating on many levels professionally but I have learned to follow everything up with an email. Oddly enough, this only works some of the time because instead of responding that he agrees or not, he will pick up the phone and agree or ask questions. Then 6 months later insist he didn’t agree or asked for a change that was never implemented.

    I have casually indicated to 2 C-suite executives (my boss and his boss) that I am concerned about him. It was received with nothing more than “interesting observation”. Do I go to HR? Or do I continue to document to the best of my ability and keep my mouth shut? If it makes a difference, I am a VP and he is an SVP. He is most likely retiring in the next year or two.

    1. I don’t think escalating this further is going to help your career. Suggest instead sending the SVP brief recap emails after a conversation, just wait until a natural point to do it so it’s not obnoxious — so it’s a week later and you’ve incorporated his direction into a deliverable, a quick “FYI, I sent [deliverable] to [client]. As we discussed last Thursday, I included recommendation X.”

    2. It seems clear that the C-suite does not want to touch this and are waiting it out. They will not have your back if you escalate it either. I would not pursue it any further unless his impairment is causing people direct harm (in the case he was a surgeon or something).

    3. I would continue to document things to protect yourself from blame.
      You can only affirm that the behavior and slip ups are not normal for him. You cannot stretch the observation to make a medical diagnosis. There is a chance he is ill and it could be dementia and he could be unaware and no one in HR or his management is aware. In that case, it is bound to deteriorate to the point it is noticeable to either him, colleagues etc.
      But maybe there are personal things happening in his life, maybe he has a condition and is seeking treatment but will not publicize it, or only made few people aware of it, maybe he knows it can’t be fixed and hopes to tough it out until he bows out.

    4. Do you know anything at all about dementia? I’ve lost three grandparents to it. What you’re describing is forgetfulness or carelessness, which is increasingly common in older people (but can definitely happen to people of any age) but is not dementia. If he were forgetting things you discussed 5 minutes ago, that’s dementia. A conversation with someone with dementia goes like. “Where are we going to dinner?” “Red Lobster.” “Oh, wonderful, I love their biscuits. Let me get my coat.” (2 minutes later…) “Where are we going to dinner again?” An average healthy 65 year old’s memory will not be quite as sharp as an average 35 year old’s memory. That’s perfectly normal and doesn’t mean they have or will soon get dementia. Honestly, it sounds like his memory is fine, he just can’t be bothered to write things down and keep track of projects long term. I’m 33 and perfectly healthy, and I wouldn’t remember details of decisions made 6 months ago if I didn’t keep written records. I’m kind of shocked that you mentioned your armchair diagnosis of dementia to C-suite executives. That is so unbelievably, especially inappropriate in the absence of behavior that’s actually alarming.
      Anyway, the simple solution is to memorialize phone conversations.

      2. +2 I can’t remember anything unless I write it down and I am 39. My boss regularly asks me about things in the past and unless I have my notes or a chance to review, I rarely remember exactly what he is talking about. It’s exactly why I always memorialize phone conversations and conf calls in emails to the other party(ies). That way I have it as a reference later down the road.

        1. I’m 25 and I have to do this.. if I didn’t write it down or have an e-mail about it, I 1000% won’t remember.

      3. I agree that it was inappropriate to mention a speculative diagnosis to C-Level execs, and that the solution is to memorialize phone conversations. I just want to make a note that dementia doesn’t always present the same way, especially in the earliest stages. In my family, the way it typically goes down is that it starts off with general carelessness/forgetfulness, then distant behavior, like they’re in the room with you but they’re in their own world, then some emotional outbursts, a few good days where it seems like they’re their old self again, and then back to being distant/foggy/not really responsive to what’s going on around them. It was spending time with family, putting my hair in a ponytail, and getting asked who the new person was. When it gets to be severe, eventually it is asking about the time every five minutes, but it starts off much more benign. At least that’s how it goes in my family, but yeah, not something to throw around lightly when you don’t know someone’s personal life.

        1. Yeah you’re right that it can start with more generalized forgetfulness and the course of the disease is different for different people, but a lot of older adults are forgetful and never go on to develop dementia. At most, it’s like a risk factor for dementia. It’s kind of akin to asking someone with a lot of moles when they’re going to see a doctor to get their skin cancer removed. They may have a higher *risk* for skin cancer, but they don’t actually have skin cancer. And honestly, this guy doesn’t even sound terribly forgetful to me, it just sounds like he doesn’t care that much about his job anymore, which isn’t really surprising considering he’s retiring in a year (and even if he weren’t retiring, there are other issues like depression that can cause someone to mentally check out of a job they’ve previously enjoyed and been good at).

    5. I have not, but a coworker has with someone at our office. It was incredibly stressful for her. Basically, she just was able to give numerous concrete examples of truly scary issues to our managing partner. And staff independently saw things that were rough, causing one assistant (who he shared with our managing partner) to refuse to work with him because it was just too much. At that point, managing partner gently told him that it was time to step back. It was really stressful and rough for those involved. Hugs to you.

    6. It’s a big leap to assume this is dementia-related; what you describe sounds like just about every bad manager I’ve ever worked with regardless of age. They’ll agree to something, you do it, then the thing they agreed to turns out to be inconvenient or wrong and they claim to never have agreed to it. I’d add a step to your emails – after he calls, follow up with an email that summarizes the call and the plan moving forward. If he asks about it, tell him it’s your way of making sure everyone is on the same page and avoiding miscommunications.

    7. Why would you leap to dementia? It sounds to me like he just doesn’t give many f-cks about work anymore, and I’d assume that’s because he’s retiring soon and knows he’ll be golfing at this time next year. That’s pretty common, from what I’ve seen.

      1. +1— Examples of early signs of dementia are questions about things that don’t make sense. Like, my grandmother came into my moms house (where she’d been coming at least once a week for years) and asked where the bathroom was. She would also ask questions like “Will law school be harder than college?” which are not really bad but shows that she doesn’t understand what she’s asking.

        FIL has Alzheimer’s and early on would ask similar questions that didn’t make sense. He had a hard time adapting to new places or restaurants or understanding directions to a place. He also made some monetary decisions that weren’t totally logical (or consistent with past behavior). We also had a lot of conversations with him about “how something worked” which at the time, I thought was an interest of technology, but in retrospect was him genuinely getting confused about how things worked.

        Nothing OP is describing is consistent with my experience with early dementia/Alzheimer’s.

    8. You’re not going to come across as anything other than a busybody reporting this, and in fact, that’s how you come across to me.

    9. Reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like this individual with whom she has had a long working relationship has become much more difficult lately, i.e., not just forgetting things but raising a stink about things 6 months after the fact. That may be the reason for her heightened concern, not just because she is trying to stir the pot.

      1. This is exactly it. I’ve worked with the man closely for 20 years. I have seen him change dramatically. I have dealt with dementia in my family and he is showing signs in the exact same way a relative did (mostly the hostile turn he takes when he forgets). I’m not a busybody like the keyboard warrior above called me. I’m a concerned colleague.

        1. There are so many conditions that can make someone forgetful and standoffish though. You are not a doctor and it’s totally inappropriate for you to be speculating about whatever medical condition(s) this man may have.

        2. Maybe he’s hostile because you told everyone he has dementia?? Jeez Louise.

          No one has mentioned this, but by telling his bosses that he has dementia and can’t satisfactorily perform his job, you’re opening yourself up to a defamation or tortious interference with employment claim. This isn’t some random great uncle you’re gossiping about, you’re telling this man’s bosses (entirely speculative) things that may lead him to get fired or demoted. If I were this man and suffered any negative consequences as a result of your comments, I’d sue your pants off. Even if he does have very early stage dementia, it will not be hard for him to find a doctor that will certify he doesn’t have it. It’s not something that can be clinically diagnosed until it’s much more advanced than what you describe. If there are problems with his work, stick to facts “He agreed to do X, we have a written discussion about doing X, now he wants to do Y, I need guidance.” Your job is to protect yourself, your employer and your clients. You do not need to diagnose this man with dementia to do any of that.

    10. OK, I have been in this situation with my immediate boss, and it is hard as heck. My best advice is to document, CYA, and find other allies in your organization who can back you on decisions and/or share information as needed. My guess is that if it gets bad enough, others will notice as well. I would not push the issue, though, as that could backfire on you, particularly if he/she hasn’t disclosed a medical issue of any kind.

      I don’t know if my boss actually has dementia or not, but she has become increasingly difficult to work for. I actually pursued some EAP counseling this year to help me deal with it better. But, I have to say that I am silently cheering her retirement later this month. I truly wish her the best and hope she isn’t dealing with a medical issue, but she has undoubtedly made my job much, much harder.

    11. Yes, and he was forced out ASAP. He was a high-level SME in charge of dangerous machinery, so there was absolutely no room to coddle him. Safety and legal came down hard and fast.

      The telltale behavior was that he lost the ability to learn and change. He just hit a wall and quit being able to do anything other than rote tasks. Innovation, development, using new software–no longer possible.

    12. Unless you are a doctor you don’t know. Disparaging him to his boss only makes you look bad. Just leave him alone.

    13. If I had to fire someone/move up a retirement due to poor performance, I would not want any speculation about the person’s medical condition or disability. If someone is concerned about specific performance issues, they can raise those.

      Dementia isn’t like alcoholism or other diseases—there’s no real possibility to get help to get better. I don’t see how a concerned colleague can help.

    14. I have a longer comment in m0d but you’re asking for a lawsuit by telling his superiors he has dementia – that’s defamatory and it will be almost impossible for you to prove the truth of your statements, even if he does have early stage dementia. Stick to facts.

  9. Send me positive vibes. It’s appraisal day(s). I am on sick leave as I broke my foot so will have my appraisal by Skype. Already talked to someone in my team and he didn’t get promoted. I am disappointed for him, and now transferring the negative feeling as apprehension for my review and thinking what if I too don’t get promoted and my other team member… we worked so hard for a whole year…
    It sucks that I am not there live and only get few bits by text.
    I’ll report back

    6. On a semi-related note, how do promotions work where you are? I have worked in places where you only get a new job by posting and interviewing for it, and places where you can only get appointed by management twice a year, and all sorts of variations in between. Just curious….

      1. I am in consulting and every six months you get assessed and the management decides whether you get a salary bump and an internal job title upgrade.
        Because I am in a smaller firm, some moved e.g to Project Manager or to Principal are more significant, so while the process is the same, you have to build a few distinct points ( on top of performance in general ) to justify the move.
        In my case, on top of great performance, I also managed to “sell” one very big project in an industry we never worked in, and built the relationship so it is now set to be a repeat client.
        I have also trained many junior people on the job who gave me stellar reviews, so that was considered a rare managerial trait because most managers just squeeze the most out of consultants without investing in their development.

  10. I’m turning 30 next year and want to celebrate by getting myself a nice watch. Right now I’m looking at Cartier, Omega, and Rolex but wondering if there are any other brands I should consider that have classic and feminine luxury watches. I’m hesitant about getting something like a Rolex since I work in client service and am worried about the perception. Any thoughts appreciated!

    2. I’m all over this thread because I’m bored. You didn’t specify the budget (steel vs leather vs solid gold), but here are a couple additional brands I was ogling: Chopard but their cases are usually on the larger side for my liking, Breguet are also very nice.
      To me, Rolex is the Louis Vuitton of watches

        1. I’m not sure if that gets you a Rolex. The simplest ones I’ve looked at — no jewels or anything on the face — run like 8-9k. I mean they may have one in their collection at 5k but is that really one you want or would you just be buying because Rolex.

          2. A pre owned Rolex? That’s trying WAY too hard. I know there’s a market for it but I say — buy new or don’t buy.

          3. What’s wrong with a pre-owned Rolex? I also would like a nicer watch at some point, but I rarely buy new things. Is this a nice watch rule that I don’t know about?

          5. I just can’t with the idea that a “pre owned” Rolex is trying too hard. At least in my neck of the woods, many many people purchase their luxury goods from high end consignment places. Some because vintage has cachet, or they like a model that isn’t made before, or because the idea of needlessly paying more for the exact same product isn’t appealing.

          6. Yeah I’m not following this logic at all. I want to pay for the watch, not the “newness” of the watch.

          8. I have a two toned rose gold Rolex datejust which I just love. It’s a great watch. I say go for it.

    3. Oh man. You will find a lot of opinions out there. Each of the brands you mentioned are fine- if you’d like to be understated I’d get a Cartier as they are generally slimmer and can easily slip under a long sleeve shirt. I have a ballon bleu and love it. You might also look at F.P. Journe.

      Whatever direction you go- I’d get a mechanical (manual, winding) watch- not a quartz battery!

      2. Can you explain why mechanical rather than quartz battery? Are mechanicals still common for brands like Cartier or Rolex?

    4. My parents got me a Rolex for my college graduation. I am now almost 60 years old. I’ve worn it everyday and it’s still perfect. It also looks just like the new ones, not dated at all. Best thing I ever got. Amortize that 8 k over 40 years and it doesn’t look so bad.

      1. What about scratches? I have a $400 Bulova that’s 5 years old with lots of scratches from daily wear. I took it to a jeweler for cleaning, and he said there wasn’t really anything he could do. It is stainless steel. Are there more substantial brands? I figured anything stainless will get scratched up.

        1. I have a Tag Heuer from 1991 that is barely scratched at all (stainless and gold band) and I have worn it consistently for all but the last 3 or so years.

    5. I have a blancpain and I love it. Small dial which suits my frame. Classy without looking gaudy or overly flashy.

  11. After a lot of self-denial I went to my doctor this morning and admitted that I’m having fertility issues. I got a referral to a clinic for testing and my appointment is on Monday. I need to tell my husband tonight. I don’t think he realizes we’re at that point now and I’m pretty terrified to tell him. I know he’ll be supportive, but I’ve pushed off discussing it with him because (in my mind) then it feels like this whole thing is real. I’m sure that sounds terrible. Any support or advice about how to approach this conversation? Or advice on what’s going to happen at my appointment on Monday?

    1. I’ve been through the wringer with IVF treatments (which only marginally worked). Best wishes on that front. What stands out to me – why are you terrified to tell your husband? That seems notable. This is a medical thing like any other.

    2. There’s a lot to wade through here.

      You shouldn’t be “terrified” to tell your husband that you have fertility issues. His job is to support you and the marriage, not to be angry that you can’t conceive easily.

      Also, it’s not clear why you think the fertility issues are with your body, but please know that a lot (at least 1/3d) of fertility issues are traced to the man. In some couples, both have fertility problems (I have a friend who ovulates immature eggs – not sure how to better describe it – and her husband has a low count). If there are other indications that the fertility problems are due to you (e.g., PCOS symtoms), then you’re doing the right thing by going to a specialist and trying to find a solution.

      1. +1
        You do not have fertility issues, OP. You and your husband have fertility issues. He should absolutely be a part of the whole process because 1) it takes two to make a baby and 2) it’s much easier, cheaper, and less painful to test sperm count vs. the blood tests and exams they will put you through.

    3. How old are you and how long have you been trying? Also, have you been charting cycles?

      Your initial appointment will probably mostly be bloodwork and taking your medical history. Depending on what’s going on, you’ll likely need labs and other testing that may have to be taken at a specific point in your cycle. They’ll walk you through that and how to schedule those appointments. It may be a month before you have a full picture of your situation. The most important thing my doctor told me was not to panic based on any individual test result. I’m 39 and one of my results was pretty scary and yet I’m currently 3 months pregnant. In my case, I didn’t end up needing interventions – it turned out we just weren’t timing intercourse to my fertile windows.

      1. “In my case, I didn’t end up needing interventions – it turned out we just weren’t timing intercourse to my fertile windows.”

        The following does not apply to couples who are tracking cycles and fertile windows. But I am amazed, and heartbroken, to see so many people who basically use the Rhythm Method in reverse (i.e. trying to get pregnant instead of avoiding pregnancy by gardening in the middle of the cycle), and find out after a lot of pain and tears that using the RM to achieve or avoid pregnancy is a poor idea either way. Tracking cycles (symto-thermal, ovulation test strips, etc.) can also show you things like a luteal phase defect, which is potentially correctable with progesterone, but without good data connecting the length of time between ovulation and menstruation, you wouldn’t really know.

        1. Yeah, we were basically just assuming the midpoint between periods was go time. Nope – I ovulate very close to the end of my period. Once we figured that out, I was pregnant on the first attempt. Miscarried that pregnancy, and then became pregnant again the first time I ovulated after the miscarriage. I’m 12 weeks today.

    4. Hugs. Your husband may be more aware (or should be more aware…) of the possibility of fertility challenges (whether related to your body or his) than you think, given that trying to conceive is a “team sport”. Even if he hasn’t said anything, he may also be thinking about this the same way that you are? I am surprised that there would need to be a formal approach to this conversation. I would simply say to my husband “has this process gone the way you expected? It has taken longer than I thought and I am going to see a doctor. Will you come with me?”

      1. You should also suggest that he go to the doctor and get tested. It’s just as likely to be a physical issue on his side as on yours, and men are typically easier to test and treat, so there’s no reason to wait until you’ve ruled out issues on your side.

    5. I sort of understand feeling terrified to tell your husband. My husband was the one who suggested we call a fertility clinic, and I still hated telling him about appointments or gardening dates, because talking about it made it real. I didn’t want it to be real, I wanted it to be a mistake and to just magically get a positive pregnancy test the next month.

    7. “Hey, I spoke to my doctor about the fact that we haven’t gotten pregnant yet and she referred me to a specialist. I’ve got an appointment Monday. I’m a little nervous to be honest but hopefully they can easily figure out what’s going on!”

      So, we have fertility problems that are 100% because of me. Initially I felt guilty about it even though that’s irrational- I can’t change it any more than I can change my eye color or the length of my fingers or anything else. My husband is completely supportive and doesn’t hold it against me in the slightest. And nor should yours. Why are you terrified to tell him? Is it because you’re worried about the potential difficulties ahead, or because you think he’ll blame you, or something else? Your initial appointment will consist of providing a detailed history, blood tests and maybe an ultrasound, and then waiting. Get used to waiting. Even if you end up medicating, it has to be taken on certain days in your cycle so you’re not going to go home with a prescription to take right away.

    8. I have been where you are. It’s hard. I remember when I made the appointment at the fertility clinic, I drove to the appointment and sat in the car for 20 minutes before I got up the courage to go in. It does feel like going to a whole other country, when you admit getting pregnant may not happen for you “the old-fashioned way.” But going for testing is the first step to figuring out what’s going on, and without taking that step you’re likely to just stay on the hamster wheel of trying with no results and also no answers. I am a little troubled by the fact that you are “terrified” to talk to your DH about it. If you two have been trying and you’re not pregnant, he probably realizes there’s an issue. Fertility treatment is a scary thing for some but it’s also a necessary reality, at least it was for me and has been for about 30% of people I know. One thing I tried to remember is that we’re lucky, these days, to be able to get testing and treatment. I have an aunt and uncle who never had children – they tried for years, all the way through the 1970s and into the early 1980s, and never did find out why they couldn’t conceive. IVF was experimental and not widely available when they decided to quit trying.

      FYI, if this is helpful. I have PCOS and so knew we would need some help conceiving. Didn’t think it was all that important for DH to get tested. My RE insisted on it anyway (which they should, if they know what they’re doing). Turns out our trouble conceiving was about 50% my husband’s issue as he had extremely low morphology and some other stuff going on as well. Getting both partners tested is essential to understanding what course of treatment to pursue. Given both our issues, our RE recommended IVF – I wanted to try IUI before we went to IVF (largely due to insurance conditions) and we were lucky enough to get pregnant on our first IUI. I understand how scary and uncertain this feels, but it will be okay, one way or another. There are lots of folks here who have been through testing and treatment and can advise if you need it.

    9. Are you me, 4 years ago? Talking about infertility can make it seem real, which is scary (at least to me). I think you want to avoid frightening your husband, so I would try to keep the tone light: you’re getting things checked out – it may be something simple. One of the first thing they will want to do is test your husband’s sperm. As Anon 1100 says, it’s a cheap and easy test. It’s also one that many men are resist HARD because of embarrassment, so you might want to try to prepare him for that. Also, treatment can range from injections, to minor surgery (hello fibroids) to full on IVF. I have two kiddos now – for which I’m very grateful. My sister doesn’t have any (never tried, as far as I know) and she has a full and happy life. There is value to your life regardless of whether you have children or not.

    10. I echo the suggestions of getting comfortable talking with your husband about this now — so so important before you do any treatments (or even before you get pregnant and have a kid, I’d say). I would advise that you both go to the appointment to learn about next steps, if he is available to join you. In terms of what to expect, there may be tests to do while you’re there (bloodwork, testing a sample from him) and others that you will schedule — likely an HSG, which is an x-ray to check for blocks in your tubes.

      Fertility is not only a women’s issue. However, even if the cause is entirely attributable to your husband, you probably have a path of needles, hormones, and transv ultrasounds if you decide to pursue treatment.

    11. Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Perhaps “terrified” was the wrong word. I’m just dreading it. I have no doubt he’ll be incredibly supportive. I just think that now going to the doctor and telling him makes this all very real, which is a tough thing to admit.

    12. Not to scare you more, but to provide some additional context: “Fertility problems” encompass more than the inability to ovulate a viable egg that can implant in your uterus. Many women have HG, gestational diabetes, or a host of other pregnancy problems. I, along with about 10% of pregnant women, have crippling, frightening prenatal depression. Other women miscarry with alarming regularity. Some women conceive easily, have relatively calm pregnancies, and then it all hits the fan after birth with PPD, postpartum psychosis, postpartum PTSD, etc.

      I think there’s this assumption that we can all just pluck a baby off the baby tree, and it’s all rainbows and giggles and nursery rhymes. This isn’t to scare you more about problems that could lie ahead, but to remind you that it is a long, hard journey for so many couples, and so few people really talk about the challenges at every stage. The result is that couples feel really isolated or defective when it’s not all magical and perfect, but that’s an expectation that we never should place on women to begin with.

      1. I get what you are saying, but “fertility” means the ability to conceive, so many of the things you mention are not “fertility problems,” although they are certainly problems related to pregnancy and having children — just not the actual conception.

      2. Literally none of those things are fertility problems. Fertility by definition means the ability to conceive a child, not the ability to carry a healthy baby to term.

      3. Merriam-Webster, definition “fertility”:

        Definition of fertility
        1: the quality or state of being fertile
        2: the birthrate of a population

        Fertile, definition:
        Definition of fertile
        1a: producing or bearing many crops in great quantities : PRODUCTIVE
        fertile fields of corn and oats
        b: characterized by great resourcefulness of thought or imagination : INVENTIVE
        a fertile mind
        cobsolete : PLENTIFUL
        2a(1): capable of sustaining abundant plant growth
        fertile soil
        (2): affording abundant possibilities for growth or development
        damp bathrooms are fertile ground for fungi
        — Consumer Reports
        a fertile area for research
        b: capable of growing or developing
        a fertile egg
        c(1): capable of producing fruit
        fertile trees
        (2)of an anther : containing pollen
        (3): developing spores or spore-bearing organs
        d: capable of breeding or reproducing
        3: capable of being converted into fissionable material
        fertile uranium 238

        1. I think it’s pretty clear that the definitions given at 1:11 and 1:37 are far more limited than the actual dictionary definition.

          Besides, if a woman produced a healthy egg every month that could never implant, would you call her “fertile”? If a woman miscarried every single time she got pregnant, would you tell her that she’s fertile? Would you tell a woman whose pregnancies almost killed her that she’s fertile?

          Well, maybe you would, but most people would think you have problems if you did so.

          1. Well, a person producing a healthy egg every month that could never implant is not fertile — conception is not producing a healthy egg, it’s fertilization & implantation. Recurrent miscarriage is something that fertility doctors (aka reproductive endocrinologists) treat, although, as people loved to remind me after my miscarriages “at least you know you can get pregnant” (to which I’d respond that it took fertility treatments to get me there). I don’t think it’s incorrect to describe recurrent miscarriages as a fertility problem…I kind of leave that one up to the person and their doctor.

            I don’t see how the definition of fertile is expanded like these posts are suggesting. Birthrate of a population is not equivalent to one person’s ability to carry a pregnancy problem-free. I definitely empathize with different pregnancy, prenatal, and postpartum problems, having had some of them myself in addition to fertility problems, but I guess I don’t really see why there’s this need to put everything under the “fertility” umbrella.

  12. Listen, if you generalize predatory behavior to the entire male population then no man is in his right mind is ever going to volunteer to work with/around children. Those who are still willing to work with kids even with a growing chorus of people saying that all men are predators who should never be left alone with kids are more likely to be people who *really* want to work with kids for the wrong reasons and are actually predators themselves. This makes it more likely that the experiences children have with men are negative because these generalizations have pre-selected the worst of the bunch, and they will continue to echo the same refrain after having lived experience which appears, on the surface, to align.

    I don’t think any adult should be alone with a kid aside from those very well-vetted. Even still, while it is not ever the child’s fault or responsibility to stop adults doing horrible things, it is the parent’s responsibility to give the child the tools they will need in order to lower the risk and likelihood of having one of these adverse experiences. Giving them clear cut places where it’s not okay to touch, assuring them that they can communicate openly about what adults do and that you won’t punish them for talking to them no matter what another adult says, allowing them to say no letting them learn that it’s okay to enforce boundaries. It’s uncomfortable but it’s ultimately what you have to do because you can’t guarantee no one is a predator. For most people I knew, it was someone in their immediate family, not some random stranger.

    1. It’s not “generalizing” – it’s reviewing the statistics. I’m fine with fewer men working with children and others in vulnerable situations. Don’t you read the news and see a new story about a man molesting a woman with a disability in a nursing home like, weekly?

      1. +100. Men are doing the vast majority of the molesting. Yeah yeah not all men, but I’d rather not take my chances.

      2. All of the stores I’ve ever read about a middle-school teacher having sex with a student involve a female teacher and a male student. So, should women not be allowed to become middle-school teachers?

        That’s a horrible generalization. I though we had moved beyond punishing everyone of a group for the sins of a very, very small minority of members.

        1. You’ve only heard about those cases because they’re so rare and bizarre as to be newsworthy. You’re not hearing (because I presume you don’t work in the field and see access to reports daily) about the ordinary epidemic of male sexual violence against children and women.

          1. That doesn’t mean all men are rapists. This is a horrifically offensive and completely inappropriate view. If I knew who you were IRL, Anon at 10:48, I would report your comments to your employer. I think they need to know that you are approaching your work with the perspective that all men are predators-in-waiting.

          2. You would report somebody’s benign online comment on a fashion blog to their employer? Good lord, what an insane busybody you are.

      3. This is absolutely ridiculous and I am extremely offended by it. Some of my best coaches, teachers and mentors have been men and none of them have molested me or anyone, to my knowledge. I am sorry you apparently had some kind of very traumatic experience that has left you sitting in this extreme mental position of “all men are evil” and you’re stuck there, but just because you believe that, that doesn’t make it true. There are good men out there and I agree with Anon at 10:16 – the more we perpetrate the idea that all men are molesters, the more we push men who would be excellent teachers, coaches and mentors away from working with children – and children benefit from having the presence of good people (male or female) in their lives. In case you missed it, Anon at 10:18, boys are still being born every day and they need role models and people to help raise them. Men are not going anywhere any time soon. As I said, I’m sorry for whatever experiences you’ve had that lead you to believe what you’re saying, but please do not think you are going to say things like this on this board – or anywhere – and not get challenged about it. Because it is factually incorrect and IMO, morally reprehensible.

      4. I don’t think it’s wrong to distinguish between men and women because of the statistics, but it seems overbroad (and very damaging to women) to just say men can’t take care of children, that’s women’s work. I don’t think I would personally be comfortable with a male nanny taking care of an infant or young toddler who couldn’t communicate to me if anything inappropriate happened, because a nanny spends so much time alone with the child. But at daycare, an adult is almost never alone with the children and *never* changes an child’s diaper in a private area. It’s actually a state licensing requirement that diapering areas have to be out in the open, they leave the bathroom doors open when they go potty, etc. My daughter has a male college student assisting in her daycare classroom and I’m completely comfortable with it.

        1. In many ways, we would have preferred a nanny for our infants (exhibit A — you still have care when the kid has a fever). But as a first-time parent, I wanted many eyes on my infant and sanitation rules and sign-in rules for who is also in my kids’ presence (a friend use an in-home daycare that was fine and then the owner’s adult kid came back to live in the house and while she was fine and her BF gave some parents the creeps).

          Now that my kids are older and have words, I worry about different things and in different ways. But if I had insisted on a nanny following day care center’s rules, I’d have been looked at as being that crazy overly rigid rule-obsessed parent. I’d definitely fail the sanitation standards myself (use same sink for handwashing and food prep, which my guess is the norm in houses) but I’m not kidding about safety in this particular way.

      5. How many of you who are criticizing my stance and coming back with “not all men” have hired male nannies to be one-on-one with your child? I’ll wait.

        1. My son has a male EA at school (he is elementary school, partially verbal and needs some help with independence in the bathroom) and has had multiple male daycare workers and therapists. And I am fine with it.

        2. I commented above, but I don’t think I’d hire a male nanny to be one-on-one with a nonverbal child. But most teachers/coaches/caregivers do not spend extensive one-on-one time with children, especially in bathrooms, and I’m completely comfortable with male daycare/preschool teachers, children’s therapists, Sunday School teachers and activity leaders. I wish more of my daughter’s daycare teachers were men, in fact. You didn’t say “I’d be concerned about my 6 month old having a male nanny” you said “I’d be fine with fewer men working with children,” which is ridiculously overbroad and damaging to both men and women.

        3. We hired a neighbor’s son to babysit our son when he was 4-6. Only stopped because the kid went to college. We only have one child and I had no qualms leaving our son with the male sitter. He was an excellent sitter.

          I am really, really sorry for your issues, Anon at 11:25. I can’t imagine what it’s like to live your life walking around in mortal, irrational fear of 50% of the human population. Do you want to live like this? How is that serving you? You genuinely don’t see a way your life could be happier and less entrenched in fear and prejudice if you sought help for some of these issues? Also, you don’t see parallels between how you feel about men and, say, how people in Germany felt about Jews in 1936? Or how white people in the South felt about blacks in 1958? How is your prejudice any less irrational or unjustified?

          1. This is silly. Men are not members of a marginalized group. They are not institutionally or systemically discriminated against. If anything, men are privileged.

        4. I wouldn’t hire any nanny for an infant or nonverbal child. I worry more about shaken baby, where the offenders are 100% women for paid caregivers and maybe 50/50 for family caregivers.

          I think the reason men could get the side-eye is that so many more of their professions pay so much higher than being a caregiver that it would seem that any option they have would be better. That’s not so much the case with women, especially those with kids themselves.

        5. We had a male teacher at our daycare and he was fantastic. The gender didn’t bother us. Daycares to me seem safe by design (windows are everywhere) and intentionality (background checks, staffing ratios).

          A predator alone with your kids will be a predator whether they are 3 months or 13.

          The alone-ness bothers me more than gender.

        6. My family has hired male summer nannies for my school age boys for the last three years. We plan on hiring another male nanny next summer. After spending the school year with female teachers, our boys really enjoy having a male “supervisor” for the summer. They spent their days talking sports, doing cannon balls at the pool, and playing flag football.

        7. I put my kids in daycare, but I’m perfectly fine with the concept of a male nanny and my fears wouldn’t be any different then those for a female nanny. I’ve hired male babysitters.

        8. Our younger kid has been in a daycare class with a male teacher for two years in a row, and it’s been awesome! I’d hire a guy to be a nanny if a good one applied; like for anyone, I’d call a lot of references first. But I prefer daycare over nannies in part for exactly the better surveillance it offers, which is not a gendered thing.

      6. So all work with children and the vulnerable is just going to be “women’s work”? What the hell good is it going to do for women (present and future) to create a whole new pink job class. This is terrible.

        Better vetting, teaching kids about appropriate boundaries, and far harsher penalties for offenders is what is required, not creating a situation where women are forced into these largely low-paying roles and any man who wants to work in the field is viewed with deep mistrust.

      7. I think we *need* men in nursing homes because the aged are just heavy to the point where lifting them presents a danger to . . . women caregivers.

        This is true for even smaller adults — most of us can’t easily handle ~ 50 pounds, much less 150ish pounds or more, which if a person leans the wrong way or falls, or twists on you, can easily injure the helper.

    2. Driving/riding in a car can get you killed, so nobody should have cars. Just look at the statistics!

      That’s the argument right? Its a solution, but it’s an overly broad one that doesn’t solve you ever getting killed, it just makes life a lot harder for everyone.

      Life is full of risks from all sorts of dangers. You do your best to prepare and mitigate the risks, but you can’t completely eliminate it.

      1. Exactly the point! You can mitigate the risks by minimizing men’s role with children. You can’t entirely eliminate it because they can’t entirely go away and there are indeed some female predators out there. In my case, I would never hire a male nanny or let my kid be one-on-one with a male soccer coach or similar (or family members that I did not absolutely trust). That’s enough of risk mitigation to make me feel better about the chances of a crime, but not so much that I can’t help my kid enjoy life.

        1. Well, if you take that attitude:

          A child is many, many times more likely to be molested by his/her mother’s boyfriend or his stepfather than s/he is by his/her biological father. Some of this is because predators seek out single or divorced mothers to get access to their kids. By your logic, single or divorced mothers should not date, because they are exposing their children to the risk of molestation.

          I’ll wait for you to take the Dr. Laura stance that divorced and single mothers should not date. (Looks at clock.) Get going.

          1. Girl, you have more issues than Vogue. The poster above you said NOTHING about divorced and single women not dating – you pulled that out of thin air. It’s like you’re posting responses to a conversation you’re having in your own head with someone who doesn’t exist – you aren’t responding rationally to anything that’s actually being said here. I don’t know where all this is coming from or why you picked today to just let allllll your psychological skeletons out of the closet on this board, but it’s super-inappropriate and honestly concerning. I really think you need help and I hope someone you know IRL can help you find it. Your views are extreme and the way you are expressing them is worrisome.

          2. 1. It’s called an analogy.

            2. You are not qualified to make that assessment. In order to be able to make such an assessment, you would need to be a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist in my state, with permission to evaluate and treat me (my own or court-ordered), and you would need evidence-based methods of doing that evaluation that are common in the industry. After making that assessment, you would have a duty to confidentiality on the same. So using a completely benign analogy on an internet comment board as evidence of mental health issues is… so completely and utterly wrong, on so many levels.

            Kat, please delete her comment and moderate her future comments.

          3. “Kat, please delete her comment and moderate her future comments.”
            I may not be qualified to make a diagnosis for you, but thanks for proving my point! And also giving me a heck of a laugh! I really appreciate it.

          4. Yes, agreed, Anon at 2:56 PM. Anon at 2:02 PM seems unhinged. It’s okay for people to disagree on the Internet.

          5. I did not prove your point. You are obviously very triggered by a benign analogy and are lashing out at me. I’m sorry that you feel the need to behave this way, but it’s on you to fix you.

      2. That’s honestly a pretty good argument about cars. Average commute times haven’t changed in millennia, so what are we really gaining for all the deaths, injuries, and environmental damage?

    3. This is an ugly argument but I want to add my perspective as the mother of two teenagers, a daughter and a son. Of the two, my son would be the better babysitter. I have young nephews who think he is the coolest guy walking. And even though he’s 17, he will get down on the floor and build LEGO stuff with them, play endless hours of Mario Kart, do art with them, cook for them. Whatever they like.

      My daughter on the other hand likes kids but likes her phone more. She doesn’t cook at all. When she babysits she parks the kids in front of a movie and does her homework.

      She has been in constant demand as a babysitter. My son has never, once, been asked to babysit. My daughter once placed an ad in a parents’ newsletter when she was having a slow period for jobs, and was then fully booked for the rest of the summer. I asked my son if he wanted to place and ad and I knew even before he answered that it was extremely unlikely he’d even get an inquiry.

      This attitude that males cannot be trusted around children is extremely damaging.

      1. Your son sounds great, and I agree that the idea that men shouldn’t be around children is absolutely damaging. If it makes you feel any better, our favorite babysitter is a 14-year-old boy. He is awesome: completely responsible, knows how to work with younger kids, will be an active playmate in addition to a caregiver. If I can make a suggestion for your son, it might be to take the Red Cross babysitting course if he hasn’t already; being able to say he’s certified may open up avenues with families who are willing to look outside the box and consider a male caregiver.

        1. He might also be a good camp counselor, esp. in a sleep-away camp where you need same-gender counselors in the cabins. Or a lifeguard — our area has a high demand vs kids wanting to do it.

        2. Late reply, but I used to work at summer camps and we ALWAYS needed more male counselors.

    4. FYI, I was physically abused for about 15 years by a woman.

      It’s really sad how people sweep it under the rug because they don’t want to believe that women behave that way, too. They see that type of rampant, continuous physical abuse as a man problem, not a “bad people” problem.

  13. Ugh my paralegal has spent the whole morning loudly complaining about how much she hates working here because she is dissatisfied with her bonus. Like, idkkkkkk what she thinks this is going to accomplish. Sigh.

    1. If you’re her manager, you need to have a conversation with her about office appropriate behavior. If this is a general pattern with her and not an isolated day or bitching, this is someone you should be managing out.

  14. For the vegetarians and vegans out there, how do you get enough protein every day? I’m looking for creative ideas to cram more protein into a somewhat-limited calorie diet.

    For background, ten years in biglaw left me 40+ pounds heavier and so badly out of shape I could barely do more than a dog walk. In contrast, part of my bar trip was trekking in the Himalayas with a 40 pound pack. A year out of biglaw, I’m now in a unicorn in-house position and can focus on my health. It’s slow going but I’m moving in the right direction and am about 10 pounds down and do CrossFit twice a week. I’m aiming for 1500 calories per day (higher on CrossFit days) with 40/30/30 macros, which I’m hoping will help with satiety, rebuilding muscles from weightlifting, and lower the likelihood of stress eating (thank you, biglaw). On good days, I eat cottage cheese, use Fairlife milk in my (fiber) cereal, and use Banza chickpea pasta. On most days, I like bread and cheese way too much (oh, how I wish I could get all my protein through cheese!) and stress eat through the afternoon because it’s a habit. On good days I could hit 50/30/20 macros but upping the protein has been surprisingly hard (an egg only has 6 grams of protein after all). Lifelong vegetarian, so adding in meat or fish is not an option.

    Favorite ways to add vegetarian/vegan protein to your diet? Recipes? General words of advice? Inspirational stories from those who have been there and done that? Thanks in advance!

    2. “On most days, I like bread and cheese way too much (oh, how I wish I could get all my protein through cheese!) and stress eat through the afternoon because it’s a habit.”

      This is what you need to focus on. Make sure that your lunch is healthy, go for a walk in the afternoon instead of stress-eating, and work on healthier snacks.

    3. I usually have a smoothie with fruit, greek yogurt, greens, and vegan protein powder for breakfast. That gets me around 45 grams of protein right off. I also eat roasted edamame and roasted chickpeas as snacks. They’re not quite as protein rich as nuts, but they’re lower in calories.

    4. I am a vegetarian and went on a higher-protein diet under the supervision of a dietition. My dietitian says that the key to increasing protein is getting it at breakfast, because that’s a low protein meal for many people. I have a protein smoothie every morning – at least with protein powder, but even better if make it with both protein powder and greek yogurt bc that gets me 50 grams of protein first thing. Personally I prefer whey protein (I’m vegetarian not vegan).

      Beyond that, you need to rebuild your meals around protein + veg rather than simple carbs. My dinners are often tofu/seitan bowls with a lot of veggies and a small amount of brown rice or (even better) quinoa. I eat the leftovers for lunch. Snacks are focused on stuff other than simple carbs: hardboiled eggs, string cheese, roasted chickpeas, etc.

      I’m not anti-carbs: I think there’s a place for yummy bread and delicious pasta in everyone’s diet. My experience as a vegetarian, though, is that lots of us have ended up with diets that are heavily dependent on simple carbs and you have to cut back on that to make room for a higher proportion of protein. As a starting point, you have to stop buying the bread and the pasta (even the chickpea pasta!) to remove temptation and retrain your body toward meals that aren’t heavy on simple carbs. Reintroduce it once you’ve restructured your diet and you’ve gotten used to focusing on higher-protein foods.

      1. OP here. Thank you, this is incredibly helpful! Do you use sauces on your tofu/veg/rice bowls?

        1. I use a variety of sauces – one of the easiest ones is just hoisin sauce, soy sauce, and fresh ginger (I keep a tube of it on hand) whisked together. What I would really recommend is grabbing Isa Chandra Moskovitz’s cookbook Isa Does It. It’s vegan and every recipe I’ve made has been amazing. She has a whole repertoire of sauces in there, as well as techniques for cooking the various plant proteins that you can use to build your own bowls. Also, it tends to rely on “normal” ingredients so you don’t have to spend hours searching for random stuff at health food stores. You can sub non-meat animal products for some of her vegan ingredients pretty easily (so regular sour cream or ricotta instead of her vegan versions) and that makes it even easier.

    5. Indian food (high in beans, lentils and milk-based protein), bean and nut based flours, quinoa, hemp, tofu, seitan, nut butters, etc.

    6. Eggs, lentils and nuts are your key protein sources. Cut cheese entirely for a while or limit to one meal a day so you force yourself to rely on other sources.

    7. Lots of eggs or egg whites. I have a big omelette for breakfast most mornings. Greek yogurt. And I usually make a protein shake after a workout, which is around 20g of protein. Roasting tofu once a week to throw in a salad also helps. Seitan is pretty easy to make at home from scratch and is pretty much 100% protein.

      1. +1 egg whites. They are pure protein. When I really needed protein, I would cook up 200-300 g egg whites in ~3-5 g olive oil, then add sriracha and maybe some Parmesan cheese. (20-30 g protein)

        Additionally, +1 seitan. I would usually cook up a package of seitan (8 oz) with stir-fry vegetables and that would be 50 g protein for dinner.

    8. Nuts, lentils, oats, quinoa, shakes, tofu, seitan (wheat gluten), potatoes have a lot of protein, hemp seed, chia… Vegetables with the most protein include broccoli, spinach, asparagus, artichokes, potatoes, sweet potatoes and Brussels sprouts

      Also, with that afternoon stress snacking, what are you snacking on? why are you stressed? are you sure you’re not tired or thirsty? This may be where things are sneaking in.

      A little exercise everyday is better than a lot some days. Keep your 2x week crossfit and then the other days try to add in a little something every day, a walk, yoga, dance class….

    9. Beans! I highly recommend ordering beans from Rancho Gordo and learning to cook them. I usually make a pot on the weekend and eat them through the week for lunches or dinners. On a typical week, half my meals are some formulation of beans and roasted veggies. If you include some type of sweet potato or potato in the veggies, you do not need another carb. A summer favorite for me is roasted tomatoes with white beans over polenta.

      I also make a dish that I just call “lentils” but it’s basically some mustard seeds, fennel seeds and cumin seeds sauteed in oil until the mustard seeds start to pop, then add in and saute onions, then add in various veggies and a can of tomatoes (e.g. a whole cauliflower and a bunch of carrots), add lentils, water to cover and cook until lentils are done (sometimes I stir in spinach at the end until wilted). Sometimes I make it more as a soupy-stew and sometimes as a solid meal. If I go light on carby veggies, I can have this with rice or quinoa, or I can include sweet potatoes as a one dish meal.

      2. Yes! This is pretty much what I was going to say. Since I joined the Rancho Gordo bean club a few years ago, my meat intake has gone way down. Heirloom beans are incredibly delicious and versatile. I usually cook a pot of beans on Sunday and eat it in different ways throughout the week. Sometimes I freeze half, especially if I make a recipe I might get tired of eating, so I have a variety of options in my freezer (this week I defrosted some Smitten Kitchen black bean pumpkin soup).

    10. I wasn’t able to get my protein high enough without protein powder – I add some to my oatmeal in the morning (and eat the oatmeal with either greek yogurt or cottage cheese) and then my snack in the afternoon is a protein shake.

    11. Siggi’s yogurt. I don’t know what’s in it but it among the highest protein for calorie food I can reliably find.

  15. My husband and I are TTC. We have not been trying that hard, but the few times I am confident we hit my ovulation window haven’t worked. We will overall be fine if it doesn’t happen for us, but my perfectionist nature means I have to feel like I am doing everything I can. I find myself increasingly resentful that I am the one who has to take the ovulation tests and monitor everything, and he just gets to show up for the fun part. We haven’t talked about it because I’m not sure how not to be a rage monster about it, and because he will want to know what to DO, and I don’t have an answer for that either. Ideas? Tips?

    1. Your post is a host of contradictions. “We have not been trying that hard” “will overall be fine if it doesn’t happen” is not in line with doing all you can to get pregnant, ovulation tests, monitoring, and being resentful of your spouse. You obviously care, a lot, and you need to make sure your spouse is on the same page.

      But also, realize that you’re resentful because it’s not happening right now, not because your husband isn’t doing anything. Realistically what the h&ll can he do right now other than show up for the fun part? Only you can track actively track your own body – it’s like blaming a fish for not winning a foot race. And if you are buried in frustration without support, it’s your fault for not sharing that and asking for that emotional support.

    2. I got stressed out by ovulation testing etc so I just went with the every other day method. You do the deed every other day throughout your cycle. That way you definitely hit your ovulation window. Per What to Expecting Before You’re Expecting (where I got the idea), it’s actually a relatively successful method.

      If you’ve been trying to a year without success, see a doctor (or 6 mths if over 35).

      1. Yes, my doctor said she doesn’t want to see couples until they’ve been doing every other day for 6 months without success. It’s surprisingly easy to miss your ovulation window and that ensures you hit it.

    3. I guess it depends on what tools you’re using to test and monitor, but can he upload/track the data on an app? Keep the calendar so you know what the windows are?

    4. I think I read that even if you hit the window exactly right, you only have a 20% chance of conceiving each month. This is based on foggy memories but you could google it. Anyway, if true, that would mean you should try to wait at least 5 months before panicking.

    5. I like the idea of him being an integral part of tracking and monitoring. Sure, only you can pee on the test strips, but he can upload the results into the fertility tracking app. He can give you massages when you’re stressed, or extra attention when you’re gardening when you are fertile.

  16. What are your very best anti-aging tips? I turned 30 recently and while I don’t feel old per se, I do feel like this is something I need to be thinking about now. I work out, generally eat well, and always wear sunscreen. I probably don’t get enough sleep though and I’m ont very flexible. I’m also sort of experimenting with IF now. What else would you do?

    2. Skin: Keep up with the spf, moisturize religiously, start retinol or tretinoin now.
      Body: Get regular at least 7-8 hrs of sleep, drink a lot of water, stay up on your yearly physicals, continue eating well, exercise regularly (especially strength training), try to maintain low stress levels.

      That’s about it – it’s not that complicated of a list, but can be complicated to maintain.

    3. From what I’ve read and inferred, I’m one of the oldest readers here. This is what I would change if I could:
      I was a runner from ages 17-40. Wish I had never done it. I have no cartilage in my right knee and am trying to avoid a replacement. It’s one of those things that you can’t imagine until it happens to you (like most artifacts of aging, I guess.) I also did high-impact aerobics when that was the only kind there was.
      Similarly, I have dabbled off and on in swimming (childhood to now) and yoga (I was a very early adopter in junior high in the early 60’s.) These are the activities to learn to love/incorporate into your life. Swimming can be inconvenient due to accessibility and hair issues (also can be boring!). Yoga . . . the aching joints and lack of flexibility that come as a surprise—that’s why I wish I’d been more consistent with it.
      Frequent weight loss and re-gaining hasn’t done me any favors. I’ve read that it destroys your metabolism. But the lack of skin resiliency is something else that comes as a surprise—one day you might lose weight and your skin doesn’t shrink to fit.
      Oh—try not to get hurt. Old injuries seem to return after having been healed for decades, and invite other injuries. Things like broken bones, repeated sprains, etc.
      I’ve always taken care of my skin and stopped tanning early on. But I think most complexion ills can be remedied or disguised these days, and the technology will do doubt improve. But if you haven’t yet, maybe see a dermatologist and begin an anti-aging regimen. (Anti-appearance of aging is what I mean of course.)
      Maybe that’s why I’ve focused on body issues here.
      Happy to answer any specific questions.

      1. Based on your running experience, do you think there’s any way to run consistently for exercise, but more sustainably for joints and cartilage and the like? I sound like an interviewer, but I would like to know if you think it was running, full stop, or perhaps the surface or shoes or intensity or whatever, that led to your knee troubles.

        1. It’s okay to be an interviewer : )

          I replaced my shoes regularly, and ran on more forgiving surfaces–dirt paths and cinder tracks. Also–I don’t have a runner’s body type, but few of us do. I was pear-ish; 5’6″ and 145 for most of my life. Probably shouldn’t have done it at all, but it was so easy and efficient.

          This is not answering your question, I know. But that soft surfaces idea is a good tip. I always refused to go with friends who wanted to run on streets (plus I was always careful about avoiding breathing exhaust.)

          Possibly heredity had something to do with it–I’ll never know.

          When I gave it up at 40, it was because of plantar fasciitis. That might have been an indicator, but by that time, it was already too late.

          2. Studies have shown (see 2013 article of 75,000 runners) running does not increase your risk of osteoarthritis, and in fact suggest the opposite. Running can exacerbate a mechanical issue that you already have, however. If your joints are otherwise healthy, running is fine.

      2. Plus a million on try not to get hurt. It’s been rainy here and my five-years-ago broken ankle and my 25-years-ago broken wrist have been giving me fits.

        1. And here I sit recovering from a broken wrist. :( I can already feel how bad my old age is going to s uck.

          1. Oh, so sorry! Make sure you do your physical therapy after! And also don’t be surprised (like I was) that it hurts after the cast comes off.

    5. I’m 39, so take this for what you will, but I wish I’d figured out the stress reduction strategies that work FOR ME much earlier in life. Some stressful events in my early ’30s did more to age me than anything else. And part of the reason was that I didn’t have great coping mechanisms and all that emotional stress did some damage to my body that no antiaging cream is gonna fix. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I started rapidly turning gray when I was dealing with fertility issues and all the stress that entailed. (I posted about that earlier this week.)

      So, yeah. Definitely keep up with healthy habits but also work on building your emotional resilience.

    6. As others have said, adequate sleep and starting tretinoin are top.

      But also, not mentioned yet: take immaculate care of your teeth. It’s not just about cavities and gum disease–age brings increased wear-and-tear that can lead to misshapen teeth, cracking and breaking, etc. If you’re stressed, you may grind in your sleep, and could benefit from a mouth guard to protect your teeth.

      In my experience, the first dental intervention creates a cascade effect. I had to get an implant due to an impact injury, which led to bone loss, which led to gum recession. If you can prevent the need for any work other than regular check-ups, you’ll be so much better off.

      1. Counterpoint: Beware the mouth guard — make sure it fits properly and isn’t moving your teeth. I had one that ruined my bite so badly I had to get braces (again!) in my 40s.

        1. Interesting. What kind was it? I recently got a custom fit one from my dentist (top teeth only) because I clench my teeth when I sleep. My bottom teeth have slowly shifted over the years from the clenching I guess so hopefully this stops that progression.

          1. It was custom from the dentist, pretty sure it was both top and bottom (which was maybe the problem?). In hindsight it seems to be clearly dental malpractice but I didn’t pursue it.

    7. If you don’t have one, get a routine that is filled with plenty of sleep, exercise that includes strength training, drinking lots of water, eating a well-balanced diet, limiting alcohol. Also, tretinoin and regular dental cleanings/whitening if that is your jam.
      Source: I am 42, sleep 8-10 hours a night, train 6 days a week, and prep 95% of my meals. I began this “lifestyle” a few years ago after a health scare brought on by overwork and not enough sleep mostly, but was also drinking too much caffeine/alcohol and eating like crap. I swear I feel better now that when I was 25. Never too late.

  17. One of my favorite things to do during the holiday season is to cozy up by the fire with a good book. I need recommendations for good Christmas and/or winter reading material. Maybe it’s weird, but I really do associate certain kinds of books with seasons. (I’m OK with brain candy, but man, there are a LOT of cheesy holiday books out there. I did enjoy Elin Hilderbrand’s “Winter Solstice,” last year though.)

    1. Mark Helprin’s “Winter’s Tale” is good if not great (I’d say 7/10?) and very seasonal. The book is not much like the movie.

    2. Victorian Christmas Ghost Stories. Many collections on Amazon. Designed for Christmas reading, they are generally creepy and atmospheric vs. actually scary.

    3. For some reason (probably because they are set in Canada and it gets very cold there, plus the village is picturesque), I associate Louise Perry’s Chief Inspector Gamache books with winter/Christmas. I’m pretty sure at least one of them is actually set at Christmas.

      Also Little Women begins with a Christmas scene and might be fun to re-read with the movie coming out.

  18. First world problem of the day: I can’t stand to journal on paper because my handwriting is so much slower than typing, and it frustrates me to not be able to get all my thoughts out quickly. Maybe the forced slowing down is part of the practice, but I’m just not here for it right now.

    4. I think better when I handwrite for some reason, so I still do a fair amount of handwriting at work. But my spelling goes out the window because my brain and hand cannot keep up with correct spelling when I am really trying to get a thought out haha!

      1. Ooh, I like this. Let’s see if that works! I’ve been getting into the idea of morning pages. So this may be a good way to test those waters.

      2. Wow! I know it’s late in the day but in case you see this – I really like this platform and completed today’s writing over lunch.

  19. What’s your favorite heavy app for a holiday open house? I normally serve tiny little roast beef sandwiches, but I’ve been doing them for years and want to change it up.

    1. Meatballs and hot crab dip are really easy to throw in crockpots and are always a hit at my holiday open house. I also normally buy one or two frozen appetizers at Costco (spanakopita, mini quiches, or mini crab cakes).

    3. I do entirely apps (well, finger food) for dinner at my holiday party due to seating issues and here is my menu for this year, much of which tastes good at room temperature:

      Stuffed mushrooms
      Spanikopita
      Bacon wrapped, blue cheese stuffed dates
      Pita, hummus, veggie, olives spread
      Mini meatballs
      Sausage roll (english style)
      Chicken skewers
      Tofu skewers
      Veggie skewers

      And then I just choose a good sounding version of each of those core things. Like for the tofu skewers, it’s a tofu peanut satay and cucumber skewer.

  20. Yesterday my date asked if I had any regrets and that has me thinking about things. Yeah, sure given hindsight, there are things I would have done differently but are they regrets? I’m not sure because, if I missed an opportunity then didn’t I in turn gain another one? I think if I could change something, I would have graduated high school a year earlier, broken up with someone while I still liked them but knew it wasn’t right, rather than focusing on the good. There are a lot of smaller things as well, but I’ve always felt that I’m doing the best I can with the resources I have at the moment. What do you all think?

    1. It’s impossible to live life and not feel regret if we go looking for things to be regretful about — relationships that weren’t handled well, decisions that weren’t made or were poorly made, actions taken/not taken.

      That said, I don’t cultivate looking back with regret. Sure, there are things I wish could have happened or would have happened differently. But keeping a mental list of regrets doesn’t do me any good (I lean toward discouragement/depression and don’t need any encouragement to go down that mental pathway). I try to learn from what hasn’t gone well, not hold my past decisions against myself (I was doing the best I could at the time), and move on.

    2. I’ve heard it said that regret is a wasted emotion, for the reason you cite – we do the best we can with the resources we have at that moment. While I’m not sure I totally agree with that statement – I think regrets can sometimes teach us something – I also think it’s ok to not really have regrets.

    4. I’m with you, I don’t really think I have many regrets. I do wish that I’d taken more math classes in college and started working on public speaking at a much younger age (like, at least high school). But other than that, without the benefit of hindsight, I wouldn’t have done much differently.

    5. One regret I have is not journaling about my first job out of college. It was a service job and I think it would have made for an interesting book (something akin to nanny diaries) but now I don’t remember enough to write anything substantial.

    6. On the one hand, marrying my second husband was a catastrophic mistake on multiple levels, and I regret the heck out of it. On the other hand, if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t be with my supercalifragilisticexpialidocious third husband. So it’s hard to regret it all that much.

      Careerwise I really do regret not applying for a judicial clerkship after law school.

    7. I don’t like the expectation of regrets. People tell me if you don’t want to punch your younger self then you aren’t growing but I think that just isn’t true. I used to be that way, but, contrary to what those people say, *not* wanting to punch my younger self has been growth. I had to learn how to accept imperfection and things not going as planned. I think grace and forgiveness are important skills to have (and know when to apply–not everyone needs or deserves second chances just because you’re capable of being the bigger person) that take practice. It’s a lot easier to imagine all the ways I would have done better than whoever I was in the past, but I think it’s kind of mean and egotistical to think that I’m so much better that I deserve to be mad at my past self for not doing everything right. I would never tell another person that I could manage their life better than them or that I wanted to punch them for making mistakes–why would I do that to myself either.

      “I was doing the best I could with what I had.” has kind of become my mantra for when criticizing myself for the sake of being critical. Growth and learning are usually totally separate from regret, in my experience.

      2. “I think it’s kind of mean and egotistical to think that I’m so much better that I deserve to be mad at my past self for not doing everything right.”

        brilliant <3 this

  21. Has anyone else had this problem with MMLF – I’ve had the hem fall out of almost everything I’ve bought from them. It usually happens after only a couple of wears. I know it’s not a particularly expensive fix, but I really don’t need another errand in my life. I bought this stuff specifically so I wouldn’t have to make a trip to the dry cleaner. Now I have a pile of clothes that I can’t wear until I find time to take them in. Has anyone else dealt with this, and if so, how did you handle?

    1. For the price point of MMLF, I wouldn’t deal with that at all and would buy clothes elsewhere. A hem falls out of my LOFT pants? Fine, because I bought them for 50% off and I don’t expect miracles for the price. I wouldn’t tolerate that in pricier brands, though.

    2. YES! This has happened with all but one of my MMLF dresses. I also can’t seem to get my errands together, so I have just put dark safety pins in the hems for now. It’s very frustrating, considering the price of the dresses.

    3. Yes, this was a big problem for me and it happens on literally all of their clothes – I initially thought it was just the Etsuko fabric (I have that in multiple colors and love it), but I’ve had it happen on blouses I’ve purchased from them. It’s the only time in my life a hem has come out of the sleeve of a blouse! My dry cleaner was just re-hemming for me, but I eventually went to a tailor and had them reinforce the hems and haven’t had an issue since. I did stop buying things from them. For what it is worth, I have had good luck with The Fold – the price point is higher, but I think the clothing is much, much higher quality.

    4. Yes, I’ve had to have new hems put into almost all my MMLF dresses. I love them (and their machine washability) enough to put up with this but it’s extremely annoying for such pricy clothes.

    5. Kat is the only person I have ever heard recommend MMLF. The quality is poor, the fabric is cheap.It’s expensive. UGH

    7. I’ve never had this happen with their stuff and would be pissed if it did — contact them!

    8. I have dealt with this too. Dress hems, sleeve hems, etc. It’s a paid. I took a few things in, then got tired of it. I sewed one myself (not doing that again) and recently I got the iron on hemming tape (stich witchery). That worked.

    9. I’ve never purchased anything from them but I’ve definitely read that complaint here before!

    10. This happened with one dress after the first washing; I emailed them, and they gave me the choice of a small refund to pay for a tailor, or an exchange. May be worth a try.

    11. I continuously hear about the poor quality of MMlaFleur based on the price point. Why do people like it so much? Honestly I think J.Crew has better quality material and construction.

    13. Glad I never bought anything from them! Not in my budget for $200+ per dress! I go with things on sale at Ann Taylor or Express actually.

  22. How do I handle dating someone with a young child (6 years old)? I’ve had 3 wonderful dates with a man who co-parents his 6 year old girl. She stays with him 3 nights a week. We are both divorced. I don’t have children. Help me out…is it off limits to ask about his daughter? Or rude not to? I’ve just been waiting to listen to whatever he brings her up. I am ok with him having a child. I just feel nervous I’ll say the wrong thing.

    1. Of course it’s not off limits to ask about her! Or did you mean ask to meet her? I would wait for him to bring up introducing you, but it’s certainly not weird to ask him questions about his life, and his child is a huge part of his life.

      1. OP here- I mean ask about her like how is she doing in school, did they have fun during this week’s snow day, etc.

    2. 3 dates in I don’t think it’s expected to ask a lot but it also would be a bit odd to totally avoid. Something generic like ‘what activities do you enjoy together? Or Kid must be excited for Santa? (assuming they celebrate) is an opening.

      1. +1 If they celebrate the holidays, this gives you a nice in. You could ask what gift he’s most excited to give his kid. This is getting to know him and her.

        I met my husband when his daughter was 4. I understand how fraught it feels at the time, but it will get easier! And as you grow closer, you can tell him that you aren’t always sure how or what to ask and see what makes him feel comfortable.

    3. Ask what his preference is. I have a child and am dating — I don’t want to share too much about my kid with an almost stranger. I’ve dated men who ask too much out of good intentions, but it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve also dated men with kids who are happy to share all sorts of things about their kids. I don’t think there’s a right answer.

      1. Great suggestion! That makes perfect sense to me (I’m the OP). I definitely understand your concern, and that’s what I’m getting at. I’m happy to discuss her per his comfort level.

  23. I’m a 7th year associate at big law in NYC thinking about advancement and partnership prospects. One thing that’s been worrying me is that other associates (mostly those who are senior to me) and non-partner attorneys still seem to view me as junior (and make comments reflecting this view). This doesn’t seem to be a problem with the partners I work with and I feel like I’m getting good projects with increasing responsibilities. But, should I be worried about how my peers view me?

    1. Ok, so, I have all the feelings on this. Bear with me.

      I truly think it is a problem that could impact your ability to advance depending on exactly what is going on. I think I had similar problems at my former biglaw firm. I ended up leaving a year ago largely because of this (and honestly hours required). I think I am your year. I was being horribly, horribly micromanaged by more senior associates, who were just total roadblocks to my communication with the partners on the case and clients. Stuff continually got miscommunicated, drafts effed up. It got to the point that I never even talked to partners. I was excluded from anything on strategy. These senior associates would edit my emails on trivial things before they got sent out, and talk to me in a condescending manner about anything and everything. Anything I said on a call would be dissected and I would be harangued and criticized about it later. I truly thought I totally sucked at being a lawyer. I considered leaving the practice of law. In hindsight, I think these other associates simply didn’t like me much and were just not very nice people.
      I left for small law, came in as an associate, and was made a non-equity partner in like 6 months. I have tons of autonomy, and am respected and not micromanaged. Critically, not just for me, but for everyone including associates, there really isn’t a lot of hierarchy. If an associate needs to talk to the senior partner, he just does that – no need to go through someone like me.
      As an aside, I actually like my coworkers, and have become friends with them. I would even say I am friends with the senior most partner in our group – we’ve met each other’s spouses, and when we travel on a case we’ll go out to dinner/drinks together and actually have fun and talk about non-work stuff. And we had a huge huge deadline yesterday, and the senior partner made us all G&T’s while we were finishing, congratulated us for making it through, and then we all went to the bar next door to get some burgers after. And again, it was actually FUN. This was not the case at my old firm.
      Sorry to ramble, but just stuff to think about. Law doesn’t have to be terrible.

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