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Updated: Dec 2, 2020 398 Comments · by

Thursday’s Workwear Report: Skinny Compression Knit Pants

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | ·

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In 2020, I cannot get enough of pull-on pants for work. After many months of 100% work from home, when I started going back to the office on occasion, the idea of buttons and zippers was more than I could handle.

I would wear these with a tunic sweater for a casual office or a longer boyfriend blazer for a more business casual look.

The pants are $79 and come in sizes 12W–24W. In addition to the black, they come in blue, navy, olive, and wine. Skinny Compression Knit Pants

Anne Klein has an option in straight sizes for $89.

Sales of note for 9.10.24

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Ellen

    Elizabeth, these are very cute pants, and I am glad that you have been able to keep your tuchus in check during the pandemic to be abel to wear these outside of the house. I have had my own tuchus issues for years, and the pandemic has also given rise to what they are calling the “Pandemic 15”, but unlike women who are lucky enough to diffuse that around their entire body, I think nearly all of it for me winds up on my tuchus. Dad calls it my beer shelf, and I don’t even drink beer!

    Anyway, with that “rant” out of the way, I am considering driving up to Lake George with Myrna for a week away. There are a few motels there she knows of and stayed at and it is considered off season until there is ski season.

    Finally I am happy that the FAA has now finally banned Goats, Ducks, Pigs, Peacocks and Miniature Horses from riding for free with passengers in airplanes. Whoever heard of these barnyard animals being considered “Service Animals?” It was absolutely ridiculus to allow people to bring these onto flights for free, no less, and they were pooping and fighting with each other in the cabin, and running back and forth in the aisles. If that wasn’t crazy, I don’t know what else was!

  2. Away Luggage Discount Code

    Good Morning! Any Away Luggage promo codes or referral discount codes out there?

  3. Argon

    The phrase “straight sizes” makes me uncomfortable but regular sizes isn’t exactly better. Is there a better option or is that right?

      • Anonymous

        “Misses” used to be the term in department stores as well, and what’s now plus was “women’s.”

      • LaurenB

        Hasn’t it always been “misses” for the even sizes (2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12, 14) and “juniors” for the odd ones which were more for teenagers?

        • Anon

          Yes juniors sizes were cut smaller and more straight up and down that misses. Juniors sizes are 3,5,7,9 etc.

          There used to be a store in the mall that I think was called 5-7-9 and like brandy Melville, only sold a small range of sizes. As a tall teen I was an 11. It used to embarrass me so much that I couldn’t shop there!

          Sizes were a lot smaller then (late 70s/early 80s) than they are now. I thought I was enormous as a juniors 11, but I see pictures now and can say I was actually quite thin. I wish size 11 me in 1980 had known that!

          • anonn

            When I was in middle school and we’d hang out at the mall, I remember 5-7-9 had an ad campaign with an Olympic gymnast on it that said “size 0? perfect 10!”

    • Anon

      this comment makes me think of the poster yesterday who was working with someone who doesn’t like the phrase ‘junior’ in reference to the fact that they are in a junior position

    • Cat

      IMHO it would be best to just state the size range and leave labels out of it. “Available here in sizes 2-12” or whatever.

      • Anonymous

        But 2-12 includes odd numbers, which are the juniors sizes. This really makes no sense. And 00 (the size before 0), which seems to have no juniors size corresponding to it.

        Can we just do dimensions like the men (30x40x30, where it is waist, hip, inseam)?

        • Anonymous

          But then you aren’t really covering curvy fits, which might not be picked up by hip measurements, etc. Gah.

          • Anonymous

            Years ago I read about a clothing line aimed at Cross-Fit people b/c apparently they have unique dimensions not met elsewhere.

          • Anon

            Cross-fit people imagine themselves much more unique than they are. See also: triathletes.
            Lest y’all think I’m just being mean, there is very much a stereotype about cross-fitters and triathletes that plays out fairly hilariously in real life… both sports make for excellent people watching.

          • Anon

            I don’t know about crossfit, but my husband is large and does gymnastics, and nothing fits off the rack. I’d love to find clothes that do!

          • Anonymous

            Not necessarily – some curvy people carry all the junk in the trunk and then it’s not in their hips hips

        • Cat

          Eh, if I see the size range start and end with even numbers, I know it’s talking about adult women’s sizing. If it’s “sizes 1-9” then that’s clearly for teens.

          • Anonymous

            It makes no sense mathematically. Like this is why can’t send my husband shopping for things for my daughters (who are probably in juniors sizes, but many stores, like Old Navy, don’t even have that as an offering). I think that juniors sizes must be a department store thing?

      • Anonymous

        But what about sizes 12-18? 14W and 14 are different sizes and may both be available.

        • Anonymous

          I did not know that. I used to not know that for kids, 4 (long skinny) and 4T (may have toddler belly and/or need room for a diaper) are different sizes (lesson learned the hard way).

          • Anonymous

            What?!?! I thought 4t was for toddlers, and 4 was some sizing for like 9 year olds that I didn’t have to deal with yet.
            In theory would a size 4 (kids) fit my 4 year old child? (she’s 2 but not in a diaper and long/skinny)

    • Anon

      Maybe “available in sizes 0-16” or whatever the brand’s sizing scheme is? That way there’s no demarcation line between group A and group B (misses/plus, regular/extended… agree that those can go.)

    • Anon

      If we wanted to be precise, instead of grouping them it would be smaller and larger sizes as used in the above post. The writer is saying they only come in size X-Y at Store 1. If you want sizes smaller than X, you can go to store 2. If you want sizes larger than size Y, you can go to Store 3?

    • Anonymous

      I think places should just list the sizes. It’s not even to be inclusive, although that’s important, but to be specific. I’m tired of plus-size meaning one thing at one store and another thing somewhere else. I would much prefer “we carry women’s sizes 0-26.”

    • Ellen

      I so agree with all of the sizing commentators. No 2 women are alike (other then mabye identical twins), so Lara, my personal shopper, knows all my measurements so she knows how to pull and show me only the styles that fits my size and body type in the sizes that I need! It is worth the extra money to have a personal shopper like Lara. YAY LARA!

  4. Country Biscuits

    Morning- Baking and giving to neighbors should be out this year, correct? I want to bake but no way the two of us can eat everything I’ve planned. Or, if it’s in a tin, they can just wipe it down?

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      People still get takeout. I think it depends on the relationship and what you’re baking. Please feel free to send them my way!!!

    • Jeffiner

      I bake for my husband and myself, and after a few days of enjoying it, we just throw the leftovers out. Also, the cookbook Dessert For Two has scaled down recipes, I tried the cheesecake and it was tasty and not too much.

      • Z

        Dessert for Two has so many amazing recipes!! I made her pumpkin swirl brownies probably 3 times in the last month.

    • Cb

      Home Cooking did an episode with a food scientist on this and I can’t remember what the consensus was. We get takeaways or a slice of cake from a cafe, I don’t know if home baking would be any different? I’d certainly eat it.

    • anon who also bakes

      Presumably, you also get take out right? I would imagine neighbors sharing cookies is similarly. Take reasonable precautions: give in a closed container so that they can let for a day if they would like to. Don’t touch their hands, just leave in front of their door and text them that it’s there. Wash your hands thoroughly before baking. If you want to be careful, you could consider wearing a mask while baking.

    • Monte

      All of the guidance I have seen indicates that there is no evidence, or reason to believe, that COVID can be transmitted by food. Authorities have also determined that he risk from food packaging is extremely low if any. If your neighbors are concerned, they can disinfect the packages for their peace of mind, but you are not being negligent or risky by leaving cookies for friends.

      I don’t bake, but friends and I exchanged Thanksgiving sides in an outdoor hang since we couldn’t eat together. No concerns there.

    • Anon

      I would love to get homemade baked treats! Maybe you could mention it to your neighbors and feel them out if they would want that?

    • Blueberry

      Covid doesn’t transmit by food. But since people
      may be nervous I think the tin idea is a good one. Also things that could be left out for a day (like people leave out groceries) and not go bad might be good

    • Anonymous

      Just do what you normally do. It’s the thought that counts. I think most people will welcome it, but if anyone is uncomfortable, they are free to give away (or throw away) the cookies.

    • anon

      I have been very cautious, but I think food deliveries are fine. I’m planning to make Christmas plates or tins this year because I finally have the time.

    • Anonymous

      Why? I’m baking cookies for everyone I know. If they’re paranoid they can decline which I would of course politely accept or toss them.

    • Anon

      I’d veer on buying specialty baked goods made in a commercial kitchen (any bakery really) as the sanitation guidelines are much stricter than anything a regular person would follow in their own kitchen, and the goods would have been baked ahead enough that contamination wouldn’t be a big worry (it has been proven that C-19 does not live well or long on foods).

    • Anon

      If the issue is making more than you can eat, just bake things you can freeze. Most uniced cakes, cookies, muffins, quick breads, etc. freeze really well. If you want to give things away, that should be okay too, but it’s not your only option. I bake a ton for just the two of us and it’s great to have a freezer full of tasty baked goods!

    • Senior Attorney

      In the early days of the pandemic I was leery of sharing baked goods, but I feel like at this point it’s pretty well established that it’s not food-borne. So I have and will be sharing my baked goods.

    • Anon

      Not baked goods but jam. In the summer I make lots of jam, from plums from my backyard tree, from wild blackberries I travel to and pick myself (and have the scars to prove it) and from organic produce I buy at the peak of season at the farmers market. In the fall I make applesauce from my apple tree. In the winter I make marmalade from my lemon tree. I have both water bath and pressure canners and I know how to use them.

      I love to give this away because it’s certainly more than I can ever eat, but the idea of someone simply throwing it away because they think home canning is sus or icky kind of kills me after all that work. So I just ask them first. Hey, do you like homemade jams and jellies? If they don’t, I give them something from the store.

      That’s what I suggest you do. Ask them if they would like home baked cookies. I know it ruins the element of surprise but it’s better than thinking they would just chuck it.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      You could certainly ask your neighbors if they’d like some! If you pop over with food they might feel pressure to accept, but if you call or text and just say “hey, I baked way too many cookies, would you guys like some?” and that gives them space to say “you know what, we’re not comfortable accepting home-baked goods at this time, but I appreciate the offer.”

  5. Blueberry

    How often do you wash gym clothes? In the winter I go running outside, and wear sweatpants, a Uniqlo heat tech shirt, sports bra, a zip up sweatshirt, and warm socks. I don’t really want to wash them every day, since I’m only wearing them for about an hour, but they do get sweaty.

    • Cb

      I think you have to wash them every day if they are sweaty. I’d worry about skin break outs and general smelliness.

      • Anonymous

        Same. I might rewear an outer layer like the sweatshirt if it weren’t too stinky, but never anything worn next to the skin.

        • Ellen

          This is me. Anything that touches my skin and gets wet from sweat will dry, but I know the next time I try to rewear it w/o washing it, it will stink. My pretty GW dormmate always bathed, but never washed her sweaters, and that was a big probelem. She often did not have a blouse under the sweaters and believe me, those stank each time she wore them.

          So many guys in college were interested in dating her, but when they got close, they got turned off by the odor she was giving off, even tho she bathed regularly. It was not herself stinking per se, but it was the rewarming of those stinky sweaters that did it. For a woman that was so cute, it was baffeling to me that she just did not agree with me telling her that it was her stinky sweaters that caused men not to want to go out with her again.

      • Anon

        I got a persistent rash from re-wearing a sweaty sports bra. The dermatologist told me sweaty clothes need to get washed every time, do not rewear.

      • Anon

        Yep. When I’m working out more often I end up running laundry of at least my workout clothes twice a week.

    • Vicky Austin

      In a perfect world, I would have enough sports bras and socks for each time I work out between laundry days, and enough shirts and bottoms for two wears maximum. I’d maybe wash bras, socks and your heat tech shirts more frequently and let your sweats just hang up to air out? I feel like the close-to-skin, engineered “performance” fabrics pick up more smell, and make you break out worse if you hang around in them after your workout.

    • No Problem

      I sweat a lot, and all sports bras and first layer shirts get washed after each use. A second shirt layer could go multiple wears depending on how sweaty it gets. For bottoms, leggings could get used more than once if my first workout is not very sweaty (I wear underwear under them), but shorts (the ones that have their own built in undies) are single use. Socks are single use. I do wind up wearing my headband or hat a few times between washes because I only have one of each. This is why I bought like 8 sports bras and exercise shirts, so I can exercise multiple times per week without having to do laundry.

    • Monte

      I’m a runner as well. I miiiight skip the hoodie because there is a chance it doesn’t get sweaty, but everything else has to get washed.

    • Anon

      Sports bra, socks and running shorts/tights – wash each wear. I get a couple wears out of shirts, but prefer wool which seems to hold up a bit better between washes.

        • Anon

          I buy used Ibex on Poshmark, but have some Smartwool as well. I asked for one of the new relaunched Ibex shirts for Christmas to try it out and compare. The old ones are gonna be hard to beat.

    • Anonymous

      Everything gets washed each time, except maybe the outermost layer. Although if it touches my hands around the wrists, that also gets sweaty and gross. Maybe I’m just exceptionally sweaty, but there’s no way I could re-wear the bottom layer.

    • Anon

      If I’m not super sweaty, I will rewear something for two consecutive workouts. So I’ll bike or run, put those clothes in my hamper and then the next day I’ll pull them out and rewear. It’s probably gross but I workout alone and workout clothes are pricey

    • Also a winter runner

      I wash them after they get sweaty, so after each workout, but I might re-wear the outer layer sweatshirt once or twice.

    • Anonymous

      I will sometimes wear a piece of outerwear twice but everything else gets washed after one use. I ended up with a bad skin infection after spending two days in the same sports bra while camping and rock climbing and I can’t guarantee that it was from not changing it, but the doctor said that it can happen. It’s not worth it to push the limits in my opinion.

    • Blueberry

      Okay, they’re not super sweaty – there is some sweat on them. Especially not that much when it’s really cold out! But this is making me think I have to wash at least the sports bra and the shirt more often, maybe every day.

      • Curious

        I’m not very sweaty and I wash workout stuff embarrassingly infrequently… Now thinking I need to up my game.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        I have had this discussion with friends. None of us wash our workout gear after every workout, definitely not pants. Maybe a sports bra. You’re probably only wearing them for an hour if so and as long as you shower immediately after, you’re fine. I’ll hang them up to dry and then wear them two to three more times depending on how sweaty.

    • anon

      I sweat a lot, even when it’s cold, so every time. I might be able to get two wears out of the sweatshirt, but everything else would need to get washed after a single wear.

      For workout clothes, I let things dry out after wearing, then put it in a separate hamper. The whole load gets washed weekly.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t wash outer layers unless they smell. I’ll wear a sports bra more than once, but the second wear will be outside/at home so I don’t offend other people. Same with bottoms. In the summer, though, everything gets washed after each use.

      • Anon

        All of my workouts are outdoors or at home and they’re all alone, so I rewear things

      • Anonymous

        I can’t wear underwear or next-to-skin bottoms more than once. It just grosses me tf out. Do other women not deal with crotch sweat?

        • Whiggy Pudding

          Nope. I was shocked women get crotch sweat regularly. My immediate reaction was being a bit grossed out, but then getting over it and realizing bodies are different. And that’s ok. So, to answer the OP’s original Q–wash as often as you need to, depending on how sweat, smell, season, and preference. This means answers will vary.

          • Anonymous

            If you’re working out in a gym or in public, you should also be aware that if you are wearing day-old sweaty leggings and a pitted-out shirt, people can definitely smell you above and beyond what they would have smelled if you had worn a fresh outfit.

          • Vicky Austin

            I don’t know about you, but when I went to gyms, I did not go there to smell clean people.

          • Anonymous

            Sure, but three days of stale sweat smells much worse. You can always tell who isn’t up on their hygiene.

          • anon

            Yeah, that doesn’t do much. I am a sweaty beast, apparently. Yes, it’s gross, but it’s my body, and I cannot fathom being able to re-wear workout pants.

          • pugsnbourbon

            I’m with these sweaty anons. Bras, bottoms and tops all get washed after every workout.

        • Alana

          Yes, and I no longer buy exercise leggings that are not dark or patterned. Despite the cute leggings in pastel and bright solid colors, I can imagine the marks from crotch sweat when exercising in public.

    • Friday

      I wash everything that gets sweat on it, every time. Otherwise I get a breakout or at best am very stinky the next wear. Not sure if this is an option for you, but could you wear less clothing? I get less sweaty if I’m a little cold when I first start out, but by the time I hit mile 3, I’m warm. This will obviously depend on your climate – no advice for if you’re running in sub-zero temps regularly.

    • Anonymous

      I wash my sports bra, socks, and underwear every time, but everything else can be air dried and worn again, IMO. If the first layer is super-sweaty, I’ll wear twice and then wash. If not, I’ll wear it a third time.

    • Anonymous

      You do you. Are you getting rashes or breakouts or other weird skin stuff? Do you smell so offensive that even your dog won’t come near you? Are you trying to pick up a cute guy you see on your run, but every time you make eye contact his initial interest is quickly replaced by a look of horror and disgust when he gets within 10 feet of you? If no to all these, then you’re good.

    • Anon

      Um…every use. Unless you’re hanging them out to fully dry in between, and leave them outside because of the smell, I definitely would not skip a wash.

    • Anon.

      Yeah, every time they get sweaty.

      My current WFH wardrobe is basically 100% athleisure based so my current rotation is actually to wear leggings and a t-shirt on say Monday during the day and then that same outfit for my Tuesday AM workout. After that they’re definitely in need of a wash. I wear PJs to bed in between.

      • Blueberry

        Hmm that’s a good strategy! It feels like a waste to wash immediately but I’m also wearing athleisure at home so might as well do this. Thanks!

    • Anon

      Every time because I sweat. I sweat when it’s cold. I sweat when it’s hot. Humidity is not my friend. I can’t imagine wearing any work out clothes a second time. I even wash my ballcap because forehead sweat.

    • Anonymous

      If I get sweaty I wear them once, except for sports bras which I make sure to let air dry and I cycle through a few of them before washing every 15 days or so. If I don’t get sweaty I rewear twice — I have a separate drawer for half-dirty workout clothes.

    • Anonymous

      It depends on the materials. If you’d prefer not to wash every time (and who can blame you) I recommend a Smartwool sports bra and base layers. They are pricey, but are so, so worth it in terms of re-wearability. I’ve worn mine through multi-day thru-hikes and the wool is so soft and comfortable (even in the summer!) and wicks sweat really well. Smartwool will not start smelling after one wear with light sweat, especially if you take it off and let it air out between uses.

    • Thanks, it has pockets!

      I wash everything after one use. To be fair, I don’t run every day, but I have three athletic hoodies, a week’s worth of leggings, and enough tops and bras to work out most days of the week. Your sweatshirt might last two uses between washes, but mine smell pretty ripe after just one run.

      • Thanks, it has pockets!

        Also, IDK if you run in masks, but Heroine Sport makes amazing athletic masks that let you breathe easily even while running. I have six, and when I run I usually bring an extra in a plastic baggy to change into mid-run once the first mask gets too wet with condensation. As a bonus, these masks are very pretty and come in a lot of great colors.

    • MagicUnicorn

      InBefore Times, I’ve been stuck re-wearing workout clothes from a non-sweaty yoga class (forgot to replace them in my gym bag). Even then, the bra makes me itch if I try wearing it a second time. I could probably do pants more than once if I didn’t have the option, but I would rather avoid that. I did decide to get enough good-enough workout clothes so I only need to wash them once a week instead of buying one pricy outfit, and I don’t regret that decision.

    • Agent99

      After a workout, I bring the sports bra I wore into the shower with me and rinse thoroughly, then hang to dry completely before re-wearing. After a few rounds of that (or if the bras smell) I throw them into the laundry. I work out pretty much every day and don’t have enough sports bras to wash them after each use, and don’t want to do laundry every few days. For shirts, if I don’t sweat through it, I’ll wear it a second time, but no more than that. For leggings, I wear a few times (maybe 3-5?) before washing. I may re-wear a pair of socks once if I wore it for a shorter workout (say 30 minutes or less on the Peloton), but no more than once. For outerwear, I almost never wash — doesn’t seem to get sweaty.

  6. Anon

    Any suggestions on stores to look for clothes for a 13 year old boy who is into skateboarding, soccer and snowboarding? He says he’s interested in clothes but gave no other specifics! Anyone know what would be ‘cool’ at that age?

    • Anonymous

      PacSun was always a hit for my brother of the same age. If Zumiez is still around, that works too.

    • Yes

      My sons with those hobbies like Hollister. They are interested in hoodies (but with small brand markings only), and jogger/athletic pants that aren’t baggy.

  7. Exhausted

    How do you deal with a mismatch in leisure time needs between spouses? My job is intellectually exhausting. I spend the entire day thinking and writing about weighty issues, tackling difficult puzzles, managing internal and interorganizational politics, and leading meetings full of Very Important People. On top of that, I have to support our ninth-grader in navigating a difficult on-line school situation. By 6:00 p.m. every day I am completely spent and just want to zone out in front of an old sitcom and not talk to or listen to anyone.

    My husband’s job, on the other hand, is not giving him the intellectual stimulation he needs. It ought to be challenging from a technical perspective as well as a managerial perspective, but right now it just isn’t. He spends most of his day chit-chatting in meetings and the rest of the day complaining that he is bored out of his mind. In the evening, he wants me to watch the news and documentaries with him and have heavy-duty discussions about all the brilliant ideas for improving the world that pop into his head because he has the mental space for imagination. I just don’t have the bandwidth to do my job, be our daughter’s tutor, and be his sole source of intellectual interaction. Delegating the on-line school to him is not a good option. I feel selfish rejecting his attempts to connect, but I just don’t have it in me. How can I make him feel valued and connected when I am totally depleted and have nothing left to give?

    • Anonymous

      I am in the same boat, but my husband is facilitating remote 1st and 3rd grades for our kids. He feels his brain is slowly rotting, so in the evening he wants to be brainy and I want to veg out. He listens to a lot of podcasts, we watch separate tv and are okay that we don’t hang together 100% in the evenings. It’s a phase, we’ll get through it.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Oh man, that sounds really hard. (I say this all as a former high school teacher). Does your child legitimately need a full-on tutor every day throughout the day? And if so, can it wait until after you’re done working)? Most students can do just fine with parents doing check-ins and some coaching. Many (most?) parents aren’t capable of tutoring high school level curriculum in many subjects, nor are they expected to, although I understand the constraints of remote learning have put more pressure on parents. Heck, I *took* AP calculus and would have NO CLUE where to start in helping a teen with their calc homework.
        Does your school have subject-specific study supports, like peer tutoring or a math or writing resource center, or drop in time to meet with teachers? 9th grade is a great time for a student to start to learn how to pace themselves, assess their study needs, and plan out how to get help and reach out to the appropriate adults at school. Needing more than occasional help might be a sign that your child needs supports beyond you, particularly with your very full time job. I would reach out to the school to see what they suggest.

        • Aunt Jamesina

          This was meant to be a reply to OP. 1st and 3rd grade are a whole different story!

        • OP

          I am definitely not supervising her full-time. I am spending some time supporting her in developing the skills she needs to be successful at on-line school on her own, including figuring out what to study, how to study it, and how to get help from the teacher and outside resources. She is coming from an environment where everything was natural and effortless for her–courses specifically tailored to her learning style, teachers in the classroom interacting directly with students who noticed when a student wasn’t quite grasping a concept, etc.–to a largely self-directed on-line learning environment that emphasizes busywork and rote memorization. She does not do well with rote memorization and needs to understand the underlying concepts in order to be successful, and doesn’t know how to teach the underlying concepts to herself. I have to provide some structure to support her, and in some cases I have to just teach her myself. It’s a nightmare for everyone.

          • Vicky Austin

            That doesn’t sound like anything your husband couldn’t handle. He’s an adult, right? He finished school? He can google “resources for learning how to study” and teach her those skills?

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Yes, I agree with Vicky Austin. Energy here should be focused on her learning independent study skills and helping her find appropriate resources (in and out of school), not on teaching her the content. This is totally something your husband can manage.

    • Anonymous

      Why can’t your husband manage the online school situation, or at least the homework time? That seems to be the easy solution to you being overwhelmed and him needing intellectual stimulation.

      • OP

        He did not take the courses she’s taking. I did, and I have tutoring experience. It’s much more efficient for me to refresh my memory of the material than for him to learn it for the first time. He also doesn’t have the repertoire of teaching strategies that I have. He was a lifeguard and taught swim lessons, so he’s the one who taught her to swim. I’m the one who was a tutor, so academic support is my thing.

        • Anonymous

          But he wants to learn things. There’s no real reason your daughter needs a bonafide expert to tutor her unless there’s more you’re not telling us. It sounds like you might be taking on work that you don’t actually need to and that you’re reluctant to give it up.

          • Anonymous

            Ok so he’s selfish and lazy. So why do you feel like you need to cater to his leisure time needs? Why do straight women expect so little?

          • Cat

            I don’t care if he never took honors bio and you did, it’s still just 9th grade level. All he has to do is stay one chapter ahead of her in the book.

          • The original Scarlett

            Am I off base, I never had help from my parents in high school – seems like that’s the age where the kid should be a lot more self-sufficient, no?

          • LaurenB

            To the poster who said “I didn’t need help in high school” — online learning is a whole different beast. I can hardly blame students for wanting or needing more help than they did in Ye Olden Days of in-person learning.

          • MagicUnicorn

            Gently, are you planning to teach her through college as well? It sounds like she really needs to learn how to learn, not have you spoon feed her everything. Unless there is a relevant piece you haven’t shared, it sounds like you are just trying to teach to the test and not equip her with the skills she needs to succeed in life.

          • Anon

            Nope Scarlett I’m with you – my mom is a teacher and I still had no help from my parents in high school*.

            I was super independent and wanted to do everything myself anyways (like my parents didn’t even check my homework in grade school …having them review something with me in high school would have felt like a punishment), but my parents also thought that learning those soft skills and being independent was just as important as the class material.

            My brother literally did not turn in a single homework assignment for like a year and my parents kind of let him figure it out – it was the best thing they could do for him. I think if he screwed up too bad (like if he was going to fail out of school) and they gave him resources to succeed, but it was on him to figure it out and get it done.

            * caveat that I was and still am TERRIBLE at math. My uncle is a high school math teacher so he tutored me. But also, he was doing that at levels beyond what most parents, mine included, could do.

          • Anon

            Anon at 12:35 adding that my brother has learning differences. My parents made sure he had the resources he needed, but they also knew he wasn’t gonna have that support his whole life so it was up to him (at an appropriate age) to figure out how to use them, decide if he’d use them, etc. Even needing extra help, by the time he was in high school it was on him to make sure he was getting help. A good four years of practice and weaning off of parental support before college. Unless you want to be up like my aunt who would edit my cousins’ college essays for them …

        • Anon

          This is where I would step back in order not to take so much on. I took calculus and I work in a quantitative field, but I would still have to refresh in order to tutor a kid. More to the point, he should be supporting teachers, not homeschooling. He should be able to learn enough to do that, if he has so much intellectual energy. Has he refused to help with the schoolwork, or have you not suggested that option?

          Note that if he and the child had a severe personality conflict or otherwise complicated relationship that makes tutoring very difficult, I would not have this response. But it seems like you don’t have to do this.

        • anon

          Are there any aspects of the online school situation he could handle? I understand your point in general–I am never going to be the person to teach my kid math or science. DH is never going to be the person to teach language arts or literature or a foreign language. But since it sounds like your husband has more bandwidth, maybe he could take something off your plate, even if it’s less efficient overall.

        • Vicky Austin

          Why not have her teach him? It solidifies her understanding. You can be in the room ready to assist if they need it.

          • Vicky Austin

            Also, what’s that saying about delegating? If someone can do the job to 80%, you should let them. Even if he’s not going to do as good a job as you are. You said it yourself: you are depleted.

        • Anon

          Does your daughter need a full time tutor? Most kids do not have one. Would it help her to learn to ask more questions in school?

        • Anon

          OP, I also have a 9th grader and it sounds like your kid and my kid have very similar struggles. We have had multiple meetings with teachers, the school counselor, his school sports coach, etc. Finally we took him to neuropsych testing, because I started to wonder if he had ADD or a learning disability. The neuropsychologist was the only one who told me, very bluntly, what I am going to tell you: you need to back off your kid. She has to learn how to teach herself things, and be responsible for her own learning, sometime and now is the time. I gave the neuropsychologist every excuse in the book for why I needed to be academically babysitting my son and he shot every one of my excuses down. He was very clear that the problem was not that my son could not learn, or would not learn, but that we were not allowing him space to fail, or even to struggle. What is his intrinsic motivation to do well if we are going to follow him around with a net making sure there is no possibility he could ever fall? How can he have pride in his accomplishments if they’re not really his accomplishments? Since then, I help if I am specifically asked for help, and every two days we look at grades in the system and see where there are issues. I ask if he needs tutoring or assistance. If he says no, even if the evidence is to the contrary, I drop it. Our son tested with an IQ over 130 and in the 95th+ percentile on all the academic skills tests. He does not have ADD or sensory processing disorder or Asperger’s or anything else that might be hindering his learning. He is very capable of doing whatever needs to be done in school. Once we validated that, I felt more comfortable telling him “why don’t you try to figure it out yourself, and then if you still can’t come see me” and guess what? Not only can he figure it out for himself, 98% of the time, but he feels a sense of pride doing so. I know this is hard. But it is necessary. I am happy to answer more questions if you want to talk more about it.

    • Anon

      Have you explained this to him? Sounds like he needs to focus on his friends and/or a new hobby. It’s actually so much easier to connect when you’re not the sole source of connection.

    • Anon

      Can he start blogging or tweeting or doing something else that feels intellectually stimulating? Even if it isn’t really?

    • Anonymous

      Tell him that you’re exhausting your job and teaching your child and you’re not up for deep intellectual conversation. To bad so sad. Why is your man baby not helping parent equally?

      • Anon

        I didn’t say this before, but if he refuses to online school (he “gave up”, above), I agree. He’s on his own in the evenings.

        • anonymous

          Exactly. He sounds like another child in the family. He needs to step up and do the tutoring. Trying once and choosing not to do it again is a total cop out.

          And he needs to find some friends or online forums to meet his intellectual needs. You don’t need to be his sole source of entertainment.

    • Anonymous

      Have you talked to DH about this? You’re tying yourself in knots trying to meet his needs while ignoring your own (note: remove the word selfish from your vocabulary, it is not selfish to be tapped our). It’s not awesome that he hasn’t picked up on how exhausted you are, but it’s also not great that you keep rejecting him without telling him what the real issue is. You have to talk to him and come up with solutions as a team.

      I’m going to push back about online schooling. You are not the only person in existence who can do this. Can you afford an actual tutor, even if they’re remote? I know the last thing kids need is more screen time rn, but DH could sit with DD during tutoring so she at least has some in person interaction. He would also be better able to help if he’s sort of getting tutored by proxy.

      Why can’t DH have intellectually stimulating conversations with DD? At 9th grade you’re like almost a real person, she’s capable of watching docuseries and having deep conversations. She might welcome the intellectual stimulation and daddy daughter bonding time (even if she sighs and rolls her eyes when you first suggest it)!

      • anon

        I like the idea about having some daddy daughter time in the evenings! There were several TV shows I watched with just my dad. My mom said she didn’t like them, but I suspect that’s only half the story, and she was happy to have an hour alone in her room to do whatever the f*ck she wanted.

        • Anon

          The amount of things I still do as a full grown adult bc my mom pulls the “but it would mean a lot to your dad” or “your dad would love to do that with you” is not inconsequential

          All minor things – like inviting him out for a beer one night, calling him with news instead of expecting my mom to pass it along, spending an extra night when I visit them (at their beach house … woe is me)

    • Anonymous

      Assign husband to online school. Chill out about your 9th grader unless she has issues that you have not outlined here. The vast majority of 9th graders doing online school do not have parent tutors/ subject matter experts. The whole idea of online schooling is that the teacher provides the support. He can help her learn to ask the teacher for help if she has trouble with material.

      • Anon

        +1

        And even if there are issues, she’s at an age where she can take some ownership over her education.

      • Anon

        +1 I sometimes teach online, and I would feel bad if I knew a parent were covering for me this way. Get your child to do their homework? Yes, please! Reteach everything? Let me know so I can help.

    • CHL

      This kind of went down a different path in the comments that came earlier, but I just wanted to say that I hear you. My husband and I have different types of jobs and are just wired differently. I require a lot more sleep, I’m zoomed out at the end of the day and even though we both like a balance of social and alone time, I work and sleep more so it compresses the available hours for both. I find that there is a rhythm to my week where a couple days I just don’t plan on doing anything but work so that a couple days, I can pull back a little and make energy for that social time with him. Changing my mental model from ‘every night’ to ‘a couple nights’ made it less frustrating for me.

    • Anon

      I am similar and my definition of destressing is vegging out and watching a comedy. My DH’s definition is watching a documentary and interrupting every 2 seconds to add his opinion or to debate what the person just said. It is exhausting.

      Get your DH to make and manage dinner for the kid and have conversations about her deadlines etc. with her during that time. Maybe they can cook together and it will be a nice activity for them. Take this hour off. Be in your room, do a workout, go for a walk or watch something on your own.
      Then maybe come out and spend a half hour with DH talking about your day and making a (social even if not intellectual) connection so you give him some of the couple time he would like.

      • anan

        I agree with this- can you focus on figuring out when you get your alone/veg out/ decompress time and work from there? If it doesn’t work for it to be after dinner, than maybe before dinner while Husband cooks? Or two/three nights a week husband cleans up after dinner and you go be by yourself? Then you might be able to emerge with a little more bandwidth to be with your husband. My Husband and I have a schedule for taking nights off from post dinner clean up and it’s been essential to our mental health these days. Before that we were getting so burnt out from lack of time away from everything and everyone. I think everyone’s reserves are being tapped these days so finding time to recharge is critical.

    • anon

      If you aren’t willing to have your husband take over school, I guarantee there are a million other tasks you are still doing in addition to your stressful job and daughter’s school that if you had relief from would help. Who is buying Christmas gifts, scheduling doctor’s appointments, grocery shopping etc. If you don’t trust him to manage your daughter’s school, picking up the slack on a bunch of other stuff would still help.

  8. Anon

    Ok… how do I break this cycle of unmotivated days? I do not have any history of depression, I am not eager to take any medications. I am so burned out and I just need to get through the end of the year…but I’m having a hard time getting work done, especially not urgent stuff, so my end of year billable hours are suffering. Is there anything to a self reward system? I am trying to not work after 8p or on weekends, which had helped Monday’s but now mid and late week are just struggles. Sigh.

    • Blueberry

      I’m in and have been in a similar position, and I think a schedule you like is the only thing that’ll help. A therapist did tell me to this first part – make a morning routine you like. Wake up, have your clothes laid out the night before, buy some fancy face cream or body wash, have a nice cup of coffee, etc.

      Normally you get a lot of routine out of your commute and office rhythms etc. you get up to go to meetings, walk out to lunch of coffee with coworkers. Try to simulate that at home. Go for a walk at lunch. Read a book while eating instead of working of looking at a screen. Block sites like
      Corporate (lol) on your work computer. Get dressed (not work clothes, but a comfortable outfit you like). But fancy lounge clothes if needed. Do your hair and makeup if you want to.

    • A.

      Solidarity from an internet stranger. I’m a (typically) high-performing Type A and even my stress manifests itself productively (cooking, cleaning, organizing). I’ve ebbed and flowed in terms of energy since the pandemic started but especially in these past few months as we get more into winter weather and it’s harder to orchestrate safe/comfortable outdoor hangs with friends and family. Our kids have been in mostly in-person school but we’re remote this week and it. is. killing. me. I don’t have any advice for you beyond what I give myself: be kind to yourself, reach out to others when needed, and try to break big tasks down into smaller, more manageable chunks.

    • anon

      Solidarity, I am right there with you. I pick a 1-2 high-priority tasks for the day. If those get accomplished, I feel OK about the day even if nothing else gets done. Truthfully, sometimes even that doesn’t work. I have had some luck switching my work environment — like I’ll play a coffeehouse playlist on Pandora and basically pretend that I’m working there and not my basement. ;)

    • Argon

      When all your days are running together & projects don’t have hard deadlines, I think more scheduling helps. I set some (not very ambitious) work goals and scheduled them with progress points/completion dates with the idea that I’m going to at least meet this minimum bar.

      On the other hand, make sure you’re taking real breaks. Set aside a few hours where you go outside or read in the bathtub or otherwise do things that allow you to forget about work for a while. Consider all the studies that show work performance is better when vacations are taken, etc. Really relax in your free time & then really buckle down in your work time. If you’re schedule is flexible maybe a midweek break in the morning or afternoon?

    • anon

      Also struggling. I agree with having a morning routine you like. Rolling out of bed straight to the computer is a recipe for burnout for me. Also, at the end of each day, write down 2-5 things you’d like to accomplish the next day (breaking large tasks into small ones) and leave the list somewhere you can see it when you start work.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Are you able to set any external deadlines or motivation? I need to this to stay productive during times like this.
      I care what people think of me professionally, and if I schedule a meeting with a colleague or one of my staff members to “go over” something or “hey can you review this and then let’s meet to discuss?” etc. I’m much more motivated to get it done in time and do it well. I’m not in law, though, so I don’t know how realistic this is for you.

    • Anon

      Solidarity. Billable hours have never been so stressful and frustrating as they are this year.

    • Yet Another Heather

      I feel you sister. I’ve been in the same sort of place for at least a few weeks now. Mondays I do a lot of reporting, Tuesdays more reporting out of that, Wednesday the culmination of all of that goes into my work output, and then on Thursdays and Fridays I am thinking “Ehhhhhh…. do I really feel like digging into something at the end of the week?” It’s not a great place to be when I’m typically very driven to perform.

      I do have a history of depression and I am on medicaiton, but I also just ordered a light therapy box… hoping it helps my general BLAH mood. I keep telling myself that we’re all struggling with the pandemic, politics, working from home, kids at home, whatever other normal stress is happening on top of that, and the realization that Christmas this year will probably be a bummer. Be kind to yourself. Stay in touch with family and friends. This will pass eventually.

    • Anon

      I have to set up “commitment mechanisms” for myself to make sure I get some work done. This usually takes the form of weekly meetings with my boss where I talk through what I’ve done recently. Somehow the day (or two) before the meeting, I work frantically and almost make up for the lack of interest and enthusiasm on other days. I also set up meetings with other folks where I need to report back or I have to prepare beforehand. Finally, I make myself say things like “I’ll get that back to you by the end of the day” even if I don’t need to (just need to get it done sometime).

      • pugsnbourbon

        I set up a calendar (in MS word, nothing fancy) where I track what I work on every day. I started at the beginning of the pandemic as an accountability measure, but I’m also finding it useful to see if something is eating up my day (looking at you, IT meetings that could have been emails).

        • Amber

          Would you share a template of your word calendar for productivity tracking ? It sounds like a helpful resource.

      • Coach Laura

        I have similar commitment methods as Anon and Pugsnburbon and have combined them. I too have a weekly meeting with my boss and work like crazy the two days before and the day of to make sure I haven’t missed anything and to give a positive report with all I’ve accomplished. I also have a daily planner that has daily goals, an hour by hour log if I want to use that and a bullet journal portion. It also has gratitudes (health, vaccine, family), anticipations (vacation, fun bike ride), habits, mission and notes areas. I use – I kid you not – blue, purple, teal, pink, red, orange, lime green, and hunter green pens to make my goals and to write. At the end of the day, everything is colorful, somewhat color coded and I get the thrill of crossing off a task or reviewing my notes so I know what needs doing later.

        • Nik

          Would you mind sharing what brand of planner you use? Thank you!

          Also — I can sympathize with everyone on this thread. I will echo the advice of others: create a morning routine you like; set small, accomplishable daily goals (writing things down is a must for me); be kind to yourself; and truly disconnect and rest when you can. Regular exercise — even if it’s just a slow walk or a bike ride — really helps me, as well. I’ve also set a goal to plan small weekend road trips to help break up the monotony of quarantine, and that gives me something to look forward to when everything else seems blah.

          We’re all in this together, and we will get through it!

  9. Anon

    Where can I find sweatpants or flannel pajama pants for men that are *not* jogger-style? J Crew would usually be my go-to but all their sweatpants gather at the ankles and flannel pjs are limited sizes only.

  10. Q for short-waisted people

    I have a question for short-waisted people: Where do you get your dresses and jackets?

    My waist seems to be high and my hips seem to widen where many designers, particularly of dresses, think a waist deserves to be placed. It’s not a good look. I’ve tried shopping in the petites department where the waists are closer to the shoulders / collars and the cut is more vertically proportional in the torso, but it hasn’t really worked (I’m not short, so skirts can be NSFW on dresses and sleeves area always bracelet length).

    This year I can at least buy all of the cropped sweaters (that aren’t cropped on me, just where I wanted them to be in the first place). But I’d like a sharp-looking longer winter coat (like Kate Middleton) and even something like the lady day coat isn’t scaled to a person with my build (which is sort of like a T-Rex — upper body is just small).

    • anon a mouse

      Boden tends to run short-waisted. It depends on the dress, but they work well for me.

      • Anonymous

        I am short-waisted and feel that while Boden may be high-waisted, it also seems to be narrow below the waist (almost as if it is designed for someone with a long torso who just want a high waist placement). In other words, if I eat a full lunch, I could look like I have a pooch and/or am pregnant / postpartum, which has send many a Boden dress back (and some shirts, which just seem to strain or were really about 4″ longer than I needed them to be in area b/w waist and seat).

      • Anon

        Boden is also my go-to. I’m a larger hourglass, and my waist sits high. All of their dresses work for me. I also find that their sizing chart is accurate, so you can get a pretty good idea of your size just using their measurement chart.

    • Anonymous

      I have the opposite problem–I’m long-waisted and the hips of the garment tend to fall right at my waist. I have had success choosing coats, jackets, and dresses without a horizontal seam at the waist and having them tailored.

    • Panda Bear

      For me (short-waisted, pear, and just plain short) it’s lots of trial and error! Thankfully, since I am actually petite in stature, petite jackets and dresses generally work for me. But in your case, you might have luck looking specifically for petite midi and maxi length dresses to get the length you want – and then hemming if needed. Likewise, a petite sized long wool coat might work for you. If you like Kate Middleton’s look, Hobbs (on their main site) has petite sizes in coats and dresses – really lovely clothes.

    • Seventh. Sister

      I’m not petite (almost 5’6″) but I like Talbots petite for dresses and jackets. I am very short-waisted.

    • Courtney

      I’ve had good luck with petites from Ann Taylor. They usually have some office-appropriate selections that are still long enough for work even in the petite size range.

  11. Donations for homeless campers

    Our homeless shelters are at 50% capacity because of COVID, so many homeless people have been living in tents in my city since last March. Luckily, we missed terribly severe weather, but the overnight lows are dipping below freezing and it will just get worse until early March. Some tents are battered, so we will be donating some heavy-weight larger tents. But what else is really a necessity if you are permanently outdoors in the elements and it’s your home (vs just leisure camping)?

    Better sleeping bag (considering the lack of laundry, this may be good) that is weather-rated
    Coat (for sleeping in iffy sleeping bag and wearing generally since no heat)
    Hat / neck gaiter / good gloves / good socks
    Hand warmers?
    Tarps?

    I am at a loss here (we give cash also, but have always shopped with our children for donation gifts to try to make Christmas about others and not just “holiday where I get stuff”).

  12. Gifting

    Is it acceptable, when creating a gift list, to include where the gift recipient would prefer it be purchased? Important to the recipient not to get gifts purchased through the River Site. But do you get to direct the gift buyer’s actions? Is this a generational thing (i.e. Gen Z thinks this is fine; older gens think this is overkill)? Genuine question; in the midst of it right now.

    • Anonymous

      Ok so here’s the thing: NO. So rude! You shouldn’t be making a list at all, and if you must no sorry diva you don’t get to ask for presents and tell people where to buy them. So entitled. Hope the provenance of the lump of coal is acceptable to this person.

      • LaurenB

        ?? There’s nothing inherently wrong with providing a list if that’s how the people involved prefer to handle things. I’d much rather work off a list than just guess. For my BIL and teenage niece, my sister emailed me the direct links to what they want. Boom, done, on their way. What could be better? I don’t know what my BIL wants for his particular hobby, and since I don’t have a teenage niece, I’m not going to second-guess what is hot or not in her world.

        • Cat

          +1, everyone in my gift-giving circle provides a wish list of like 4-6 items at varying price points. For something where a specific brand/item is important – like the person wants a specific set of glasses from W-S to add to their collection or whatever – it’s provided. But otherwise it’s just the idea.

          It’s an amazing way to let people still have fun picking out the perfect thing without the stress associated with “what if they hate it.”

        • Anon

          Yeah my family does lists (it’s a waste of everyone’s time and money to get them something they won’t use or don’t like) but we don’t put anything extravagant on the list , nor do we specify store unless it’s because we want something very specific

      • Anonanonanon2

        My family prefers that everyone provide a list so that we don’t have to use a bunch of mental bandwidth guessing, and everyone gets something the giver knows they want/will like. However, I agree it would be extremely rude to tell someone where to buy something.
        You could just include a link to the product “for ease” but not link to the river site?

      • Anonymous

        You’re rude! Gift giving is about the recipient not the giver!!!!! I always direct my family to buy me no gifts at all, and I explain the ethical concerns. So it’s so disrespectful when people buy gifts which I expressly do not want and go against my core values.

    • Anon

      Yeah I think that you cannot tell someone where they can / cannot buy a gift for you!! I’m a younger millennial and I absolutely have my own shopping preferences but I’d never impose them on someone else

    • Anonymous

      In that case, I’d just ask for the person’s Venmo info and send them $. Not to be a spoil sport, but I just don’t have the bandwidth for being that bespoke. No one is local to me, so it’s either that or a gift card for a lot of people.

    • Lily

      If you are specifically asked for a wishlist, then I think it’s fine to provide a suggestion/link to where to buy it. But absolutely not ok to demand a specific gift or source.

      • Cat

        +1, my family provides links either for specific items or as examples of what they like. But telling me not to purchase a gift for you on Amaz-n is a good way to annoy me and comes across selfish.

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Yes, if you provide a link to small business rather than Amazon, it’s so much easier for people to just click the link. That being said, if they find it cheaper at another store, they’ll likely go with the cheaper option regardless of your preferences.

    • Vicky Austin

      Definitely generational, but I also would never look a gift horse in the mouth like that. I too hate Amazon, but if someone else gets me a gift from there, it wasn’t my money that went there, so I don’t tie myself up in knots about it.

    • Argon

      You could name the store as if you’re just letting them know where you’ve seen this particular item that you like and you’re letting them know where it’s available. I don’t think you can really make a stricter demand when requesting a gift though.

      Beware that if you send links to items through gmail they sometimes redirect to the river site when the recipient clicks them even if you leave the full url to a different store :(. I was bummed to learn this.

      • Bonnie Kate

        WHAT?? I did not know that. This is the way I specifically handle my list to my MIL – she likes a specific list with links. So I send a list with links to stores other than Amazon. I’m going to go test mine right now.

        • Bonnie Kate

          Tested and my links are good. But probably because I have a bunch of things that literally aren’t available on Amazon. So that’s a good way around it – give ideas from really independent companies and artists. :)

      • Aunt Jamesina

        That isn’t true. Your computer has an issue if it’s automatically redirecting to Amazon with a link to a different store. Do you maybe have an Amazon Chrome extension that pops up with similar items found on Amazon?

      • Argon

        I had this experience with books, but glad you gals aren’t running up against the same problem.

    • Cb

      My husband’s family always wants a list, and I made a wishlist on bookshop.org and sent links to some smaller shops (making sure they had good online ordering systems) for presents for my son. I also mentioned that we’d welcome preloved books/Brio but who knows… I figure beyond that, I can’t control how and when people shop. I did ask my husband to get my habitual pile of books from one of my favourite indie bookshops, which also conveniently wraps.

    • Senior+HR

      I received a gift list like this with several options from which to purchase (none of them Amazon). The recipient showed humor throughout the list and it came off quite well. So I would say give options and know the the giver will do the best they can.

    • Anon

      It’s one thing if you’re asking for a specific gift that is brand (and therefore perhaps store) specific. It’s another thing to restrict the buyer (who is buying a gift for you) Tina certain source.

      So like, if you want a Patagonia fleece that’s one thing. If you just want a fleece then you can’t say but don’t buy it from xyz store

    • Anonymous

      Nope. If someone asks you for a list, great. Give them a list. I would even say that including links in your list would be okay (some might think this isn’t, but if someone is asking for a list I think it’s fine). if you want to like to a Socially Appropriate Site, ok, fine, but in no way should you imply that is the only place the list maker will accept a present.

      When I used to do lists for my family (upon request) I made notes if, like, there was a site that had a particularly good deal on the item.

    • anon

      No, you can’t do this. Xennial here, and I prefer to buy things locally when possible, but my MIL relies heavily on Amazon for gift buying for a variety of reasons, many of which boil down to having different priorities that make sense for her. And that’s OK — I would not dream of dictating where she should purchase things.

    • anon

      If asked for a specific gift list, I think it’s OK to include links to gifts, and you don’t have to include Amazon. But you can’t control whether a gift giver purchases an item on the list, or whether they decide to buy it cheaper at Amazon or Walmart, etc. Recipient’s best bet is to request specific items that aren’t generally available through Amazon–but even then, a gift giver may purchase a similar, off-brand item, and the appropriate response is “thank you.”

      Also, if the gift giver and recipient know each other well, there may be very specific situations where it’s not rude. For example, if grandparents already know that their 13 year old granddaughter is a SJW and think that’s endearing, it’s OK to mention that she’d prefer them to shop local or support independent businesses. You can’t control what they do, but they might humor her anyways. But this is probably one of those things where, if you have to ask, you know it’s not OK.

    • Anon

      I agree with what people above said, ok to direct to a specific store/provide a link, but not ok to ban. Everyone close enough to me to buy me a gift knows I do not shop at the River Site or affiliates. E.G. my sister asked for a suggestion for me and my kid, and I provided things that are from elsewhere (kid wants an X, I saw one I think she might like at Y).

      I totally get where the giftee is coming from, though. I would rather get nothing than something from the River Site (but to be fair I don’t love gifts and would be happy to get nothing anyway).

    • Anon

      I’m just going to take a second to remind everyone to not be so quick to judge people shopping at Amazon and Walmart. It is a very privileged position to be in to have the time/money/resources to shop elsewhere. My parents are not very tech savvy, don’t have a lot of money, live in a rural area where not everything they need is reasonably accessible and they are at high COVID risk so should not shop in person. I am 100% grateful that Amazon exists with an easy to use platform that they can understand and order from, with free shipping and get their necessities in a day or two.

      I agree that the company can do more to pay its employees better and treat them better but Amazon is providing a very essential service during this pandemic.

      Also, I give major side eye to people that say they would never shop at Wal-Mart but then buy designer stuff that is made in third world sweatshops full of child labor. A lot of the sanctimony about where to shop is really finely veiled classism.

      If you have the time, money, mental resources to do better, great – but don’t judge those that don’t. Keeping my parents shopping through Prime greatly reduces the risk that they are going to get scammed or phished.

      • Bonnie Kate

        I really like this reminder. To keep going with the thought, I also like to keep in mind that there are a lot of ways to spend my time, money and mental resources in ways that align with my values, but those mental resources are finite and it’s impossible to do all the good things. So while I spend my time, money and mental resources shopping at very specific places (local, small, Black, eco-friendly), the person who is shopping in Walmart/Amazon is spending their time, money, and mental resources on equally valid other causes that I’m not.

      • Anon

        My friends laugh because I low key love Walmart. But, they have incredible prices, good selection, etc.

        I’m also probably the lowest earner of any of my friends (work in local government) and grew up middle class while many of them grew up well off. We’re all bougie city dwellers now, but a deal is a deal.

        But, it’s important to me to save money where I can because I donate a lot to charity. I chose a helping profession that pays less. I can’t be as choosy about where I shop, but I contribute other ways

        • Bonnie Kate

          Honestly Walmart’s clothing buyers have gotten really good at picking cute stuff now too! I still don’t buy there, but my BFF does every now and then and I always really enjoy seeing what she gets – some of it is so good!

          • Anon

            Agreed! I don’t go to Wal-Mart looking for clothes but the random times I’m in there to get something specific, I always browse through the clothes. A few of my favorite pieces in my closet are from there!

    • Anon

      I think it’s rude to specify but if you include a link to the item to a non-Az store then perhaps it’s helpful direction?

    • Anon

      I’ve posted before looking for consumables from amazon (I don’t think you have to use a euphemism for it) because that is where my extended family requires me to post a list from. They would think I was bonkers if I said I want this item but only if you buy it from my local co-op or whatever. And I wouldn’t receive that gift anyway. A lot of people who buy a prime membership want to do as much of their shooing from there as possible in order to make that annual expense worth it.

      Your post really does reek of privilege and I think that’s something you should give some though to.

    • Doodles

      No way is this acceptable. It’s beyond rude for any generation. I’m 31 and buy almost everything on Amazon or Target. I have young kids and don’t have time/opportunity to shop local before Covid, let alone now. I’m also not paying for shipping on various sites or keeping track of what is coming from where and for whom. I appreciate wish lists – my family does them – but I then sit down and place one or two big orders in my Amazon and/or Target apps. I get cash back/credit and can consolidate shipments. I would find it so rude to be lectured about my shopping preferences by someone for whom I’m trying to do a nice thing. Of course, if the item on the wishlist is something specific to a brand or store, I will order from that store (unless I can get something else on the list at Amazon or Target). So I guess I suggest you accomplish this by providing a list of items from specific brands, and where the person can’t comparison shop for these items.

    • Seventh Sister

      Gen Xer – if you gave me working links, I wouldn’t mind. If it’s hard to buy off the indie website and/or you’re going to complain if the gift is late, I might just send you a gift card to something else.

    • Anonymous

      Late to this party but I’d be ok saying not River site for certain items, if you give a reason, e.g. car seat and want to make sure you don’t get a fake. I don’t think you can do this across the board through.

  13. Anon

    I’m mentally having some difficulty going forward with medical appointments now while COVID is worse than ever, when those same appointments were postponed in March and April. I’m trying to tell myself that everything was so new then and we had to postpone things while we figured out how to do them safely. On the flip side, I feel like it’s not really any safer, we just feel like we can’t postpone them for ever because medical stuff will eventually get worse. I’m also trying to parse out if the stuff I feel comfortable doing and the stuff I feel uncomfortable doing is rooted in a rational basis or if it’s me avoiding the less pleasant procedures.

    I have an injury and have had no problem seeing the orthopedic for a quick visit, going to PT at a one man shop that will have at most, two patients in the entire building (one getting treated and one waiting) the entire time. I have an upcoming MRI and I’m okay with that too. What’s giving me major pause is my colonoscopy/endoscopy. I have Crohns but it is in remission. My doc wants me on the yearly schedule. My prior doc wanted me on the five year schedule because remission. We have rescheduled this damn thing something like 5 times since last October.

    First it was because their machine was broken. Then I broke my foot and couldn’t fathom doing the prep / coming out of anesthesia with a foot I couldn’t walk on. Then it was postponed because of COVID. Then it was scheduled to go and I postponed because of COVID concerns. I’m now scheduled for just before Christmas. I think what gives me extra pause about this is it is not a risk-free procedure. If something does happen, will I be hospitalized alone, w/o visitors. Also, I’ll be under anesthesia. It’s not like a distanced MRI where no one is in my face. I think I may be treating this one differently because I just don’t want to do it, not because it is inherently less safe than my other medical procedures.

    Due to some inside info, I understand that this particular facility reopened elective procedures before others not because they deemed themselves safer, but because they were losing too much money. That makes me skeptical of whether they will cancel procedures because they become unsafe. I will discuss this in virtual therapy next week in case this is all my anxiety talking but we are hitting crazy numbers as a country right now. I’m in a lower case state but we are still at our highest numbers ever.

    • Cat

      I am of the firm belief that medical care is the one thing that should not be postponed if possible.

      Can you ask about other options for anesthesia – like, the version where it’s through an IV vs. breathing through the mask was very quick to recover my wits from (it left me able to literally walk home (with my husband because they wouldn’t release me without him, but I walked without help) from the outpatient clinic after a similar procedure).

    • Anonymous

      Please do not put off necessary medical treatment. I have cancer and am in my oncologist’s office frequently and have had outpatient surgery since the beginning of COVID. I’ve also been to the ER 3 times. They are taking so many precautions. You can never be risk free, but it’s about as safe as they can make it.

    • Anonymous

      I would personally try to avoid going when the wave is peaking in your area. It seems that before Christmas is going to be better than after … but probably spring/summer would be better than now … how does your area look?

    • Anonymous

      Also, because this is a board of women, I’ll mention this here – breast cancer diagnoses are down 50% year over year from 2019. COVID is not the cure we’ve been waiting for for breast cancer. It just means cases aren’t being caught. Please continue to go the gyn and get screened and get your mammograms.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t delay it again unless you’re in North or South Dakota. I’m VERY cautious due to a high-risk condition and I plan to get my mammogram on schedule next week. I will wear my KN95 mask.

    • anon for this

      I agree with others, do not postpone procedures that you need to monitor conditions or as screening tools. I just scheduled a derm appointment to look at a funny mole that’s been on my mind for a month — if it’s something serious, I’d rather know now than in 6 months when cases are lower.

      I understand your hesitance but you can do as much as you can to minimize risk. Can you schedule for first thing in the morning, when fewer people will be waiting? Is another facility where you’d be more comfortable an option, even if it requires a little travel?

    • holidays

      Honestly, I would be more worried about the PT and MRI than the colonoscopy. The procedure suite for colonoscopies is likely better cleaned between patients and the techs/RNs/Doctors in that room will have the best PPE and will have the best trained habits. I would definitely ask how they clean the MRI between patients.

      I would also wear a K95 mask for all of these visits.

      BUT …. I would actually have a serious talk with your doctor about why you need a colonoscopy yearly if your disease is in remission. For example, have they said that your cancer risk is so high that you need them this frequently? What is the data/clinical trial/study that says you need it this frequently and especially now — why not skip this year? Do you need a second opinion? And gently…. is your doctor trying to make more $$ my having you do this test yearly?

      My parent has a lot of medical problems, and I bring him to all of his doctors appointments and agree with you… it is a struggle to figure out what to prioritize. But PT is getting done at home (Home health or do virtually over zoom), and all recurring scans that are not for acute problems are being postponed until after COVID vaccine is available. It is not worth the risk, and the hospital and clinics are packed with people with COVID. Yes, they are cleaning better and masks help. But …. why take the risk unless it is really important?

      The hospitals are very much hurting for $ right now, and are likely pushing these tests more than they should. You need to listen to your gut and do what you are comfortable doing.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah. If you have one doctor saying yearly, and one saying every 5 years, waiting another 6 mos is not likely to move the dial.

        • Anon

          OP here and I researched it and the CDC changed their recommendations to yearly for people with IBD. I learned of this recommendation before COVID so it didn’t change in response to that. I am now at the three year mark since my last one since my “every 5 year” doc retired and my new doc is the every year doc. To her, I’m greatly overdue but she was patient with me rescheduling the last two times.

      • Anonymous

        I would be more worried about the colonoscopy than the PT and MRI. I doubt that you can wear a mask during a colonoscopy, but you can for PT and an MRI.

        • Jules

          I had a colonoscopy this summer – it was not routine but needed after some scary symptoms – and I did wear a a mask. The anesthetic was intravenous.

          • Seafinch

            Same. I just had one and was masked and I also declined the sedation so was fully awake the whole time. No biggie.

    • LaurenB

      I just scheduled a colonoscopy for January, and I am helping with an elderly relative who is having surgery on Monday. You have to take care of your health. You aren’t talking about going to a bar with 50 people, you are talking about medically necessary care in a medical setting. I think your anxiety is talking, to be honest.

    • No Face

      We know a lot more about how covid-19 is spread than we did in March/April. Environments where everyone is masked the entire time are not as dangerous as other environments (like restaurants, where you have to take off the mask to eat). If everyone there is masked, I feel comfortable getting medical care. If you go in and they aren’t masked, feel empowered to leave immediately.

    • Anonymous

      I have had a mammogram, colonoscopy, dental cleaning, and eye appointment this year. All offices took an over abundance of caution. Do not put off your healthcare.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Do not delay medical care.
      I get treatment in a facility that also does chemo, and the nurse recently told me they are planning a big hiring push in a year because so many people have delayed medical treatment that cancers won’t be caught early and they’ll have a lot more people on chemo.
      I regularly work with hospitals for work and there is story after story of people delaying care because of covid fears and having horrible outcomes.
      I’m immune-suppressed, so I 100% get the fear, but I have felt 100% safe at my appointments.

    • Anon

      We have more PPE than we did in the spring. That’s one of the big reasons non-essential medical procedures were canceled then. Go get your health care.

    • Anonymous

      Please do not worry – just wear a mask and go. I have had dozens of office visits, several scans and biopsies, 8 rounds of chemotherapy, surgery, and a 4-night hospitalization since early March. I have not caught Covid despite receiving this care in a hot spot of anti-maskers. Your health is more important than the low risk of catching Covid at a clinic or hospital.

  14. Anon

    I’m really struggling to determine what my next career move will be. I have an idea of what I want 15 years down the line, but don’t know what my shorter term goals are. Does anyone know of resources that might help me determine what my next steps are?

    I work in a niche field and I want to eventually consult. Between now and then I know I’ll need a lot more experience and a grad degree. There’s a few different paths I could take, so trying to figure out what is best.

    • Ellen

      Youre smart to be thinking early; I wish I had. I think you need to connect to a role model who can act as a career coach, but from what you say, I can tell you are a 20 something with a recent BA with at least a couple of years of experience under your belt; at least enough to know you like what you are doing and want to do it 15+ years from now. You also know now you need a grad degree, which takes both time AND money.

      If you can get your current boss to pay for the grad degree, great! Otherwise, you need a plan B, which means you get the money to do it at night, part time, while you work. You also need to consider your family situation. If you want a baby/family you will need to start getting that ironed out pronto. If you have a boyfreind, great– he can assist you now, and if you marry him now, you can work part time, have and raise the baby now, and also start taking classes toward your master’s degree. In 15 years, your child will be mabye 13, and by then you should have your masters and you can then do your consulting. But you have to make sure you line up the guy and marry him soon so that you can have the baby and get your schooling and part time gig going. Good luck to you and think big! YAY!!

    • Anon

      It probably depends on the field and type of grad school, but for some degrees (such as an MBA) it would be totally appropriate to reach out to current/former students at a grad program you’re considering and ask them a bunch of questions about the pros and cons of different paths. MBA programs specifically want to be sure that you’ve done research on what you want to achieve and how an MBA helps get you there, so this approach would be helpful when it comes time to apply.

    • anon a mouse

      I feel like this is the right situation for informational interviews/meetings with people in your ultimate role. Seek their advice about what skills are most valuable in their work and whether hiring managers will look for certain skills are more advantageous than others.

  15. Anonymous

    How are you giving your secretary a holiday “gift” (cash) this year? Usually I give cash but I don’t love the idea of sending a couple hundred dollars through the mail. She doesn’t use the internet except for work and she’s not shopping in stores, so a gift card isn’t a great option. I guess I could send her a check?

    • anon

      How does she purchase goods and services now, if she doesn’t use the internet and is not shopping in stores? Is someone bringing her groceries? Is she ordering by phone and picking them up? She must have bought something since March.

      I would probably buy a generic gift card and send it by mail. It could be a Visa gift card, even though those have problems. A big box store or grocery store would be better if you have an idea where she shops.

      A check is probably fine, if she banks online. Otherwise, she has to go to a bank to cash it, but if she’s not shopping in stores, is she walking into banks?

      • OP

        That’s a good point about checks. She doesn’t have a smart phone.

        As far as whether and where she shops… she tells me she doesn’t go out and she’s previously told me she doesn’t shop online, I don’t feel it’s really my place to cross examine her on that. Her grandkids might be bringing her groceries, who knows.

        • anon

          I think this is probably a good year to just ask her what is most convenient for her.
          That, or buy a gift card to the “main” regional grocery store in your area. She can use it online, pass it to one of her grandkids to shop with for her, take it to the store, or pass it on as a gift to someone else. (Maybe buy several gift cards in $50 or $100 amounts.)

    • Anne

      I’ve noticed that a lot of people who don’t use venmo or cashapp still have zelle for some reason. Maybe ask about that?

      • anonchicago

        I try to use Zelle over Venmo because I think it’s safer since it’s bank sponsored.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        Zelle goes directly through many major bank accounts. I like it because I don’t need to have yet another app, I can just log into my bank’s app.

    • LaurenB

      If you do send cash or a check, can’t you just send it registered / certified mail so you know it’s received? Or send it like a package through UPS or Fedex so it’s signed for?

      • Argon

        I find that it also holds things up to require a signature as the person might not be home, not drive & be hugely inconvenienced to go pick the item up at the nearest FedEx location if it gets shifted back to there, or live in an apartment complex with limited access or a myriad of other reasons.

        Also, no, don’t send cash. Even with a signature on the delivery, you can’t verify that the cash was actually received.

  16. cryoablation

    My husband has having a cardiac ablation next week. Anybody have experience with the procedure, particularly what the recovery is like? Trying to figure out how long he’s likely to be out of commission. He’s having a cryoablation if that makes a difference.

    • Anonymous

      I had one of these! I’m not sure what a cryoablation is, but I had palpitations that they had to ablate, so they went in through a catheter in my leg and zapped something in my heart. I will say that the “during” part was a lot scarier than I expected, though I’m not sure I would share that with your husband (or maybe you should?). They knock you out to place the catheter and then wake you up to test your heart to see where to ablate (I guess your heart rate has to be higher than it would be if you were out). I foolishly assumed that it’d be the kind of “awake” where I was mostly out of it and wouldn’t remember it, but I was very awake and mildly freaked out because they gave me drugs to make my heart rate go really high to identify where to do the ablation. So…I don’t know if I’d want to know that or not going in, but there you have it. Afterward was easy in that there was zero pain, and I felt 100% fine. But I had to stay overnight in the hospital for observation and you aren’t allowed to move much while you’re there. But apart from having to lie down and be observed, I could have walked out afterward in terms of how I was feeling. Good luck to your husband!

      • Anon

        I commented below but wanted to mention that I remember this part too. In my case they kept me very mildly sedated until they did the drugs and figured out the source of my arrhythmia, then they knocked me out fully after that. I’m sorry it scared you. I’m such a nerd that I found it super interesting and I halfway think they knocked me out so that I would stop asking so many questions!

    • Anonanonanon2

      My dad had this done and was fine by the next day. And this is a man that stayed in bed for days after a vasectomy.

    • Anon

      Hi! I had an attempted cardiac ablation last year (they thought I had SVT, but could not trigger the abnormal rhythm the way they expected, so then I had to go back for more testing and it turns out I actually have atrial fibrillation). I was REALLY nervous about the procedure, but it’s pretty simple – in my case, they didn’t put me fully under, but just sedated me so I was semi-aware of everything that was going on, but thanks to the Xanax they gave me I didn’t really care. They will thread a catheter into an artery through a small incision in your husband’s groin, and then thread a electrical wire through the catheter into his heart. Then they inject a drug to trigger an abnormal rhythm, and hopefully will be able to tell where the signals triggering his arrhythmia are coming from in his heart tissue. They’ll burn out the cells that are sending bad signals, and as the tissue heals and scars over, the arrhythmia shouldn’t recur (or recur as frequently). I recall being told that they burn 1/16th of an inch at a time, so tiny amounts of tissue. It is an imprecise science and if he has afib, like I do, likely over time it will recur and he may have to repeat the ablation.

      In terms of recovery – since they didn’t actually do anything to my heart, I can’t speak to that. I was out of it for the rest of the day after the procedure (which happened very early in the morning). They didn’t want me to shower for a couple of days or do anything strenuous, but I was up and walking around the next day and in the days after. I didn’t need help getting dressed or doing any “activities of daily life.” I did get a hematoma (large lump) over the incision site but it went away pretty quickly. I was told, in preparation for mine, that it is normal to have irregular heartbeats as the heart learns to bypass the bad pathways; that can last up to six weeks. They may want him to stay off any anti-arrhythmic medications so they can see how his heart is adapting; they may also want him to get a handheld EKG that connects to an app in his phone so he can monitor his heart rate (or wear a monitor). But it’s a very routine procedure – my electrophysiologist had done 200 of them the previous year – and risks are low, recovery is usually pretty easy. I am due for them to try again but have put it off, due to Covid and some other stuff. It’s good he’s getting it done.

    • Anon

      I had it. They warn you the most about the incision points, usually in the groin. They had my husband convinced I’d be shooting blood out of my crotch like an old-timey gangster with a machine gun.

      In terms of how your husband will feel after, I’d say tired mostly. They want you to take it easy and not lift things due to the incisions, but you feel like doing that anyway because of the anesthesia and the weird way your heart may behave following the surgery as it heals. I’m assuming he’s having this due to arrhythmia, and even though ablations tend to be fairly successful at fixing this, the heart has been injured by the surgery and may have a bunch of weird beats just as part of healing. That’s why it’s hard to tell right away whether the surgery fully worked.

      I had PSVT, not the more common A Fib, so my ablation was successful the first time. Two friends who had it for A Fib both had to have it done twice.

      Good luck to your husband! They will give you all the after care instructions at the hospital or surgery center. In terms of planning ahead just know he’ll be sitting around for a week or so.

    • Anonymous

      As an outdoorsy person myself, I can tell you right now that there are a LOT of outdoorsy people out there who are being incredibly irresponsible, but who will never admit it and who will not change their plans under any circumstances. They think that being outdoors is 100% safe and that changing their plans would crimp their hippie dirtbag lifestyles. I used to think a lot of these people were so free and chill and now I think very differently about them.

      • Anonymous

        Oh, and about half of them are relatively serious athletes who don’t want to miss a window to achieve a goal (like rock climbing a particular route before the weather changes) and the other half are doing it for Instagram.

      • anon

        I think that’s true of pretty much every group of people. Lots of people who seemed fine turn out to be really selfish when asked to sacrifice what they love for the sake of the common good.

      • Alana

        Yep, I’ve avoided my nearby urban trail because I have an immunocompromised relative. I don’t trust that people will comply with wearing masks properly while exercising, and the trails are often too narrow to keep a safe distance from a heavily breathing exerciser.

    • LaurenB

      I am inwardly cringing at a friend on social media who flew from OH to OR to go hiking yada yada. This is on top of her posting herself at a painting party where they were clearly not masked or social distanced. I so want to post something snarky about “oh, is the pandemic over?” or “boy, these are poor optics” but then I think why bother. Though if anyone has any clever way in which to say it, I’m all ears :-)

      • Cat

        Sorry, there is no way to do this that doesn’t make you look preachy. I have unfollowed half my facebook at this point for two extremes – (1) people acting like there is no pandemic, AND (2) people who can’t help themselves posting constant PSAs (please, friends, wear a mask! with a cutesy graphic) or criticizing others’ behavior.

        Neither of these groups is actually influencing the other and it’s all a bunch of noise I don’t need to see.

        • Anonymous

          I disagree that friends don’t influence their friends to wear masks. I’m glad for those posts because they help shift the norm. When your entire social media is a sea of people not wearing masks, seeing a trusted friend post a PSA can help. Of course, you are free to mute it if it doesn’t help you, but I know from conversations with family and friends that it can help them.

          • LaurenB

            If you’re not wearing a mask now, 8 months into the pandemic, you’re too far gone to be convinced, IMO. And you don’t need to be a part of my life either, buh-bye. The call for masks occurred in early April; anyone with any sense started doing so then.

          • Anon

            This. I posted on FB about cancelling my Thanksgiving trip to see my in-laws. Several friends private messaged me that it prompted them to cancel their as well. It was the “permission” they needed. I was someone they could blame when they talked with family.

          • Thanks, it has pockets!

            Yeah, I’m with you on that. Encouraging your friends to wear a mask and practice social distancing may not convince everyone, but it does help us cautious folks know we’re not alone, and there are others being responsible right now. And I do think some people who are on the fence about this or that risky activity might be swayed by those PSAs.

        • Anon

          I unfollow covidiots but agree with people posting PSAs. Why are you so sensitive to a PSA about masks? It’s the right thing to do.

          The person in my circle who does this the most has a close relative who made it through the worst part of having COVID but is not doing well now even months later.

          • Cat

            It’s too much. The person that posts once or twice a month with their family wearing masks doing something outside? Cute.

            The person who posts nearly daily about masks, doom-statistics, local news that is either so incredibly irrelevant or relevant to your life (like an update from a school district – “local friends, did you see this?”) that you either don’t care a bit or already know it… they’re getting unfollowed for sheer volume of clutter.

          • anon

            +1 unfollow whoever you want, but just because you don’t need or want to see it doesn’t mean it’s objectively useless to post

        • Anon

          Actually a study recently came out that showed positive peer pressure works, especially with young people.

      • Anon

        +1
        I miss travel, museums, indoor restaurants, and cozy cocktail bars like CRAZY. But #priorities!!!

        • Jeffiner

          Yes! I had a trip planned to Big Bend earlier this year that had to cancel, and I’d been looking forward to rescheduling it. This really told me that I should just wait.

    • Mrs. Jones

      My husband caught Covid while outside at a park and gave it to the rest of us. It can happen.

      • Anonymous

        Are you sure that was the source? If it is, I feel a bit vindicated for posting here (in the past) that masks should be worn outside when you’re socializing.

        • Anon

          I don’t know if they are necessary at parks, but Covid can absolutely be transmitted outside while socializing. I know people that were at an outdoor dinner part where 13/15 of the people there got Covid from one person.

    • Anonymous

      Forgive me if I’ve missed something, but what’s wrong with going on a hiking trip to somewhere remote if there are no travel restrictions associated with the trip? I’m asking seriously because I’m planning a solo hiking (snowshoeing) trip to the mountains in January 2021 and after reading this post am wondering if that’s wrong? I live in the city but am an outdoors person by nature, and pre-pandemic would go on a mountain trip at least once every 3 months to get outside in a landscape that I love and for mental health reasons. I had to cancel my dream (and 30th birthday) hiking trip this summer due to COVID. This year has been especially hard because I haven’t been able to go to the mountains since January, and my mental health is really suffering being caged up in the city for this long – it doesn’t have anything to do with instagram or the other reasons raised above. The trip will be a solo one to a remote cabin where I will cook my own food and spend the days hiking and the nights reading and writing. I’m in Canada and the trip will be domestic – just to another province. Why is this wrong?

      • Anonymous

        One reason is that towns/cities are allocated resources depending on their permanent population — so these areas have much lower hospital capacities for example. An outbreak in these areas can quickly overwhelm their entire system. In addition, locals in rural areas are statistically poorer and less able to stay home and avoid tourists. Plus everybody has the same idea you do and these areas are burdened with an overwhelming amount of trekkers well beyond what they’ve been accustomed to in previous years. I would love to take some of the local trips that I’ve taken in previous years and if the conditions were the same as they were in the past it would be feasible — but crowding is real and it’s just not possible right now. Everybody’s ruined it for the rest of us.

      • Anonymous

        This is wrong because you can possibly transfer Covid to a remote community or use up their limited healthcare resources. Just look at the state of the territories right now, one person brought Covid and whole communities are hurled into chaos. Not only that but most provinces DO have travel restrictions between them, people are just ignoring them.

  18. Anon

    I’ve only been on a date with a guy once, but we’ve been talking for about 3-4 weeks (first Bumble messages, then texting, then date, then the Thanksgiving holiday week). We really hit it off. I knew less than halfway through the date that I wanted to see him again. He told me at the end of the date that he wanted to see me again too and we have continued to text. I have been so encouraged as I have never liked someone from an app as much as I like him. He recently purchased his first house and moved into it a few days ago. Would it be weird to get him a housewarming gift? Should I wait until I’m actually invited to the house for the first time? If you did get a gift, what would you get for a thirty-something make lawyer for this occasion?

    • Ellen

      Wow! I am so happy for you! Definitely get him a house warming gift; one of those electric blankets always is a good winter gift, and can be shared if you hit it off with him.

      Why can’t I find a guy like that? FOOEY!

    • Anon

      I think it would be a sweet gesture to send him a small house warming gift (give it to him next date, sending to house my seem a bit creepy). An easy to care for plant like a pothos or cactus, a personalized cheese board, a cool keychain, baked goods from hip local bakery. Something small that says “I didn’t go overboard given how long we’ve been dating, but I did think you”.

    • Cat

      wait until you are invited! And I’d bring at most a nice bottle of something. Adding glassware or whatever is too early in the relationship to be picking out things for him to use at his house.

    • Anon

      I would go with a bottle of wine or a small houseplant, depending on what you know about him.

      • Anon

        I’ll add to this — if this guy is the right guy for you, he’ll think it’s sweet and thoughtful. If he’s scared off by it, he’s not the right guy for you. It’s not like you’re getting him a bidet. My BF brought me an origami crane made with cherry blossom paper to our second date, because we had talked about how much I loved cherry blossoms on our first and he had the paper at home. I thought it was super sweet and will save that crane forever and ever.

        • Anon

          That is a simple gift that he didn’t purchase, and very different from buying an item for a guy after the first date.

          • Anonymous

            Disagree. Making something by hand – especially something that is specifically geared to someone’s taste – is way more personal than picking up a bottle of wine.

    • Anonymous

      Oh my goodness get control of yourself! You have been on one date! No. Don’t get a gift!

      • Brunette Elle Woods

        Yea maybe not a gift but if you’re invited over bring a nice bottle of wine and maybe something else like his favorite bottle of whiskey, fancy wine opener or glasses.

      • Anonymous

        Rude. What is the harm of giving a small housewarming gift? That’s not a super personal thing. Heck even my vendors send me flowers or a box of cookies or something for really big events.

      • Anon

        This is a really over the top response. Bringing a temporary item like a plant or bottle of wine to his house, if and when OP is invited, is not a big deal. It’s a nice gesture to celebrate the occasion. This isn’t just any old house after moving, this is the guy’s first house purchase. That’s a big accomplishment. I assume when OP is invited to the house, their relationship will be in a place that is moving forward anyway.

    • Anon

      If you are invited for a date at his house, a bottle of wine or other consumable that you would consume during the date would be ok. Any other physical item would be too much. My boyfriend’s birthday was 3 weeks after we started dating, and after we had been on probably 10 days, the shortest of which was 6 hours. For his birthday, I made a dessert and ordered takeout from his favorite restaurant over the weekend. Even though he had spent the whole weekend at my house, so clearly not a very causal thing, a physical item would have just been too much for him that early.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Wait until you’re invited, and bring something consumable like others said. I think it’s fine to say “I brought you a housewarming gift!” as you hand it over, to show him that you are marking this milestone for him, but I wouldn’t give him an actual household item.

  19. Anonymous

    For those of you who have a post-dinner routine you feel like is healthy/good, what is your routine? I am trying to get away from numbing behavior.

    • Anon

      I watch the news and then read. I also live alone, so not much going on. I’m okay with this being my routine in a pandemic.

    • Anonymous

      Unplugging from electronics except for reading on my Kindle app. That’s the number one thing that helps me.

    • maxin relaxin

      I listen to my audiobook while working on a cross stitch pattern. Keeps my hands occupied like doom-scrolling, without any of the doom. Meditative and relaxing, but keeps me engaged enough that I don’t feel numb.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I don’t do it every single night, but listening to music while doing a jigsaw puzzle is my antidote to too much numbing behavior. I’m becoming a broken record about jigsaw puzzles, but I really enjoy them. I still totally take nights where I scroll through my phone, but it’s more intentional – I’m choosing to do it, rather than defaulting.

      I do have an ideal evening routine that I’m slowly implementing – mine starts after work.

      4pm – finish with work (I start at 7am)
      4pm-5pm – workout (combination of strength, HIIT, yoga workouts from Peloton)
      5pm-6pm – make/eat dinner with husband AT THE TABLE. We’re the worst at eating on the couch watching a show. We’re moving soon and new goal is to not eat on the couch at all.
      6pm-7pm – walk with the dog, be outside
      7pm-7:30pm – meditate – I meditate every day but I really want to get this to a dedicated time/place.
      7:30pm-9pm – puzzles, shows with husband
      9pm – get ready for bed, read in bed, go to bed :)

      All that said, I’m terrible with strict routines. I really like to make them, and am fairly terrible at sticking to them strictly. So all of that happening, but ebb/flow with circumstances/mood/etc.

      • Bonnie Kate

        oh and plus +100 to unplugging suggestion. Most of the time if I just unplug from my phone and iPad for an evening I will feel a lot better the next day!

    • Anon

      I came up with a new routine now that we’re locked down again. Full disclosure – I’ve done it like twice in the two weeks..

      Ideally- I’d finish work at 4:30 and either take a walk or workout (trying to do cardio in the AM and strength in the PM and two walks a day but I’m not very successful at that). After I workout, I’m trying to spend like 90 minutes doing something that isn’t tv – reading, knitting, calling a friend, painting, etc. After that, I eat dinner and then I can watch tv after dinner.

      I also have a few things I try to do every day: read an article, read one chapter of a book, stretch, do two Duolingo lessons, reach out to at least one friend, and spend like 10 minutes straightening up / cleaning something, in addition to my walks and exercise.

      If I don’t do it all, I don’t stress – it’s just a way for me to try to prevent becoming a puddle on the couch at 5pm. I literally have a note on my phone with all of these things as a checklist and go down the list and check them off

    • Anon

      We still do a fair amount of TV but I picked my knitting back up and now everyone is getting lots of practical wool socks out of my TV time. They’re perfect for being at home all the time.

      We try to lean more toward high quality shows so at least we might learn something. We always finish with local news, mainly because the weather guy has a cat who regularly interrupts his broadcasts from his home studio.

    • Friday

      One of us cleans up the kitchen while the other gives kiddo a bath and does bedtime routine. Then we sauna for 20 minutes, shower, read for 15-30 minutes then garden or fall asleep. I’s not glamorous, but I’m also trying to avoid numbing behaviors like alcohol, tv, and doomscrolling.

    • Anon

      It’s cold where I live but I bundle up and take my dogs on a walk for an hour or so. It’s dark out but they have reflective vests, I have a headlamp, we have sidewalks and my walk goes past the town hall, high school, PD, FD all places that have good exterior lighting and often some type of night staff even if just a custodian. It feels safe and it clears my head. Even if I’m a little cold when I start if I walk briskly, I’m sweating by the end of it.

    • CPA Lady

      Go for a walk if you live somewhere with street lights.
      I also like to combine a numbing with a non numbing, so I’ll listen to an audiobook while playing mindless games on my phone.
      Also do a jigsaw puzzle while listening to a comedy podcast.

  20. Times Up

    Somewhere in my internet surfing this week I ran across an article re Time’s Up that analyzed their tax return info. It showed that a lot of the spending went to salaries, which I could understand if they are providing direct services (like social workers, health clinic, legal services to victims), but apparently they aren’t. They spent very little on direct victim services. The rest I guess is . . . advocacy? But it is just so disheartening — a lot of the good this group does seems to trickle up. I had the highest hopes.

    • Anonymous

      Advocates need to pay bills, too. (I am assuming the salaries are going to staff members, not celebrity spokespeople.)

      • Anon

        Yeah, I get really annoyed at the idea that nonprofits shouldn’t hire *enough* and *competent* people to do the work their missions require. It takes money!

        • Anon

          +1

          I used for NGOs and now I work in government and work hand in hand with many local non profits and NGOs. Most of them are hardly paid a living wage (like 40k in major cities for a supervisory position, unpaid OT, advanced degree required, etc)

          I hateeeee when people complain about the overhead at a non profit. Or when they complain about xyz non profit helping, but not helping enough. Money doesn’t grow on trees.

    • Anon

      Was this the article?

      https://lifesly.com/times-up-organization-raised-3-6-million-in-2018-but-most-of-the-money-went-to-salaries-not-victims/

      Look at their mission statement: to promote safe, fair, and dignified work for women of all kinds. They are an advocacy organization, not direct services. Advocacy requires paid staff.

      The movement to stop violence against women isn’t just direct services. There is also systemic advocacy to change our cultural norms, laws, workplace policies, etc. I used to work for a statewide anti-sexual assault organization. We didn’t provide direct services. We provided training, resources, and organized conferences for the local direct services nonprofits in the state. We also did lobbying at the state house to create better laws for survivors. Most of our 990 tax return was salaries, too. Keep in mind most local organizations are on a shoestring budget and don’t have the time or resources to stay abreast of best practices and resources let alone lobbying at the state or federal levels.

      • Anon

        Anon OP here: we also had a staff attorney who took cases from local organizations. My role was providing financial management trainings. Does that sound glamorous? No. Does it help victims/survivors? Absolutely, because the local agencies I worked with would potentially shut down if they didn’t follow proper financial management policies and procedures, audits, etc. I help organizations that were struggling with audits, grant reports, etc…not because people embezzled money on a cruise, but because they lacked staff capacity to keep their records, policies, and procedures in order to satisfy state and federal requirements (which can be very onerous particularly for small nonprofits that secure large grants).

    • Argon

      I think it was pretty clear early on that this organization was running a con. Linked to a publicity group that worked for many of the actors guilty of sexual harassment as I recall … so they could apologize and donate some money to the cause that was really lining the pockets of their cronies at this organization created by their publicists. It was purely showmanship and marketing and PR … not about helping victims of harassment at all.

    • Anonymous

      I used to work at an NGO and we had ‘high’ salaries because we needed to have competitive salaries to attract top skill lawyers and policy folks because industry isn’t sparing any expense. Sending a ‘discount’ staff person to argue a case or lobby a politician only hurts the cause because they aren’t as talented, but donors don’t see the difference quality staff make.

  21. Anon

    Paging Anon with the relatively new boyfriend who was going to spend Thanksgiving with him, but was not sure if he was as serious about their relationship as she was. How did it go?

  22. Anon

    Did anyone try to return any final sale items from MM Lafleur? I bought a few tops that said final sale (no returns) when I bought them, but they came with receipts and shipping labels that make it seem like they are fully returnable….

    • Hollis

      I had the opposite problem, where the item on the MML website said “exchanges only” but when I received it, it said final sale – no returns or exchanges and the sizing was way off of other items I had bought from them. I e-mailed them and complained and they were willing to let me exchange it for credit. That said, I ended up just giving the item as a gift to a smaller friend, who was happy to get it. You can also try and sell it on ebay or poshmark or even post it on thissite and I bet someone will be interested in it so you can get some $$ if you don’t want to donate it outright.

  23. Winter pants + footwear Q

    For those of you who are actually wearing pants — skinny or flare? And if skinny, what shoes are you wearing?

    I’ve retired my flats until spring — it is cold enough that I need socks or something on my ankles. Ankle boots + skinnies to me just looks a bit too hoof-effect right now (or am I just too used to leggings + sneakers?).

    I put on a pair of skinny (but not tight) cords today + last year’s ankle boots and something just didn’t look right.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I went through all of this a month ago! All of a sudden I really hate my skinny pants + ankle boots. I think it’s because I got a pair of flares and I love them so much. I ordered a pair of slim straight leg boyfriend jeans that I’m looking forward to trying. If I hate them, I think I’m going all in on flare jeans.

    • Anonanonanon2

      Personally I think ankle boots only look right with skinny pants that are cuffed, which is more casual than I think works with cords or work pants. When it’s super cold, I do skinny pants with wool socks pulled up over the pants and folded down and the ankle boots (not sure I described that correctly). I only do that with flat ankle boots (my Sorel ones).
      My other winter option is thick tights with dresses or skirts and ankle boots.

      Loafers are a bit warmer than flats and are more of a winter go-to for me (the sam edelman Lorraine bit loafers) that work with skinny-but-not tight pants, ankle pants, etc. for work.

    • Anon

      This has my favorite part of lockdown. Wearing leggings and wool socks. If I have to go outside, I’ll throw on allbirds (yes, with the mid calf wool socks, idgaf)

    • Anon

      We have this thread several times each winter ever since skinny pants became a mainstream thing. Which tells me skinny pants are impractical for cold weather. I wear straight pants and jeans because I am a petite hourglass and the skinny bottom with oversize top silhouette never did me any favors. Straight pants might not have been trendy but are classic and the great thing is they are also completely transferrable into winter. They can go over flat or heeled booties over warm wool socks+ silk long johns and the slim ones scrunch into riding boots or snow boots if it’s that kind of weather. The only caveat is my boots are all half size up because I love thick socks in the winter. Therefore, if I wear them with tights/dresses, I have to put a thin sock over the foot of the tights to fill in that space. Straight pants for the win.

  24. Shananana

    Calling my other cold weather dog walkers in the city. I have a 13 year old shepherd whose biggest joy in life is our 30 min mid afternoon walk break. Trying to keep this going as long as I can this winter (if it drops into single digits all bets are off). We live in a city now and I already noticed on yesterdays walk the salt is out. What large dog booties have people had success with that offer some stability (as he is older he is more likely to fall than before) and stay on for our pretty leisurely walks. He isn’t running around in them, but the online reviews are making me think there are no good ones, but there must be some better than others.

    • brokentoe

      dogbooties dot com is what you need. I’ve used them for my large breed dogs (including a German Shepherd) for almost 10 years. Designed and made for sled dogs, they aren’t uncomfortable an are great protection. I buy them by the dozen since nails will eventually wear through or one is occasionally lost.

    • Musher's Secret

      We never got booties to work. Instead, we use musher’s secret paw protection – it’s a vasoline-like substance you smear on their feet. We’re in a cold part of the Midwest and walk daily unless it’s negative temps all day or I can’t stay upright on the ice.

      • AnonMom

        This is what we use when we need it. Because our GSD becomes broken and turns into a large, hairy, wet noodle if we put clothing on him…

    • Explorette

      I’ve had good luck with ruff wear’s winter boots with socks. I think the socks keep them from slipping. My dog goes snowshoeing/skate skiing with me in these and he’s running and jumping through deep snow the entire time. The gaiter keeps the velcro from coming undone.

    • Anon

      We use Walkee Paws, which are stretchy doggie leggings with reinforced feet. Much easier to get on our dogs than booties, although we do use booties when there is deep snow.

    • HW

      Mushers secret, and if it’s really really cold I have a pair of dog socks. My dog hates wearing booties but is semi-okay with the socks.

  25. Anon

    Questions for the ladies with thin hair.

    What do you do when your hair gets flat but isn’t dirty?

    I usually have thick hair but my hair is thin right now due to extraordinary hair shedding due to a medication, which I’ve just discontinued. Because of the hair loss I’m trying to do as little to my hair as I can in order to not further traumatize it, so no tight ponytails, and less frequent washing and brushing.

    However, after sleeping on my hair it’s pretty flat. I don’t want to have to wash it every day just to get volume, because it’s not dirty. Is dry shampoo the answer, even though it doesn’t seem there’s a lot of oil there?

    • Kitten

      I think Ouai Texturizing Hair Spray is great for that purpose. As a bonus, it smells amazing.

      • Anonanonanon2

        I have and have always had thin hair, and really like this product. Alternatively, get it wet in the shower without shampoo and then when it’s halfway dry put in velcro rollers until it’s finished drying.

    • Anon

      I don’t have thin hair but when my hair looks crazy but isn’t due for a washing, I just flip it upside down and blow dry a little for volume. If the ends are spiking out everywhere I smooth with a flat iron.

    • eertmeert

      I sleep with my hair pulled into a ponytail on top of my head, using a silky scrunchie, loosely tied. I have thin, fine hair and this helps a lot. Just started doing it 6 months ago and it makes a difference.

    • Hollis

      I’ve also had major hair loss this year and I deal with it by putting it half up and using a smaller clip barrette (the cheap ones from goody or scunci that they sell at the drug store), not too tight. It creates volume on top and keeps the front hairs from falling into my face when I work.

  26. Anon

    Favorite night time moisturizer for winter dry skin? I do my “actives” as a first layer so I’m not looking for a lot of bells and whistles.

  27. Bonnie Kate

    I’m a little afraid that I’m going to poke the hive on this one, but I think I’m ready to hear. If a musician has been “cancelled” or there are serious allegations made against them, do you continue to listen to their music? Earlier this year one of my favorite musicians, Nahko Bear (yes i am a hippie at heart forever) had allegations sexual abuse, possibly with minors? It seems to have been a big thing on instagram and facebook, but when I google it now nothing comes up (that I can find). He did issue a statement admitting to fault in how he treated women, said he was going to work on it, completely denied the minor allegations, blah blah blah.

    So that was during the summer, and I immediately stopped listening to all of his music. If it popped up on Spotify, I skipped over it. I miss the music though! It became really apparent when I looked at my year end on Spotify – he was the #5 artist, and that was from no listening to him the last half of the year. I want to respect and believe women – 100%, that is the first priority for me. But what’s the balance? I get that there doesn’t have to be a balance, but is someone just completely done post-allegations? What if there is never anything formal (prosecution) that comes from this?

    I recognize that not listening to my favorite songs/artist is not a hardship. That’s why I just immediately stopped. Sexual abuse is not something that I want to condone whatsoever. But it seems so foggy and almost gossipy when its all on social media with no real reporting or criminal prosecution.

    Thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      I tend not to continue listening because it just feels gross to me, at least in cases of sexual assault. If it’s something like “this artist expressed an opinion that I (or others) disagree with,” then I keep listening. I find cancel culture extremely toxic and I prefer to reserve my own “cancelling” for extreme cases.

      • Anonymous

        Also, I always investigate the allegations myself and do not take accusations of “violence” on face anymore. It sucks, but overstatement of harm has become a huge thing on social media and I trust myself to interpret the facts better than most of my contacts.

        • Bonnie Kate

          I agree with everything that you’ve written, and the investigating is where it gets tricky for me in figuring out how I feel about it. My immediate reaction to hearing that there is inappropriate behavior with young teenage girls? Your music is dead to me. But months later, I cannot personally find the firsthand accounts. All I can find is comments and reddit posts full of declarations that he’s the worst…I would really hate to eliminate something from my life that I truly loved because of an internet mob mentality that isn’t based in reality.

        • anon

          How are you investigating the allegations yourself? There’s no way you could possibly have access to sufficient information to do that even if it was someone you personally knew.

          • Anonymous

            I meant reading the news articles and assessing the evidence reported there myself. I don’t trust my social media network to report on the facts accurately.

          • anon

            Again, that’s not nearly enough information for you to possibly reach a conclusion.

          • Anonymous

            It doesn’t matter to me if you don’t agree. I feel confident in what I’m doing and I’m sure you can find something that works for you.

    • Anon

      There’s been accusations against him and Winona LaDuke for condoning it for years. He resigned from the Board of her nonprofit this past year, and the Board issued a statement about it. I no longer listen to his music. Same for Chris Brown. As a survivor myself, I’m not going to give listens (which generate revenue) to perpetrators with serious accusations.

    • anon

      On the one hand, consumption is not activism. Listening to a song or enjoying a movie is not an endorsement of everything those artists have ever done, just like owning a smartphone or buying things from Amazon doesn’t make you personally responsible for the way companies exploit their workforce or destroy communities.

      Personally, I see reducing problematic consumption as a good but not obligatory action. Eating vegan, buying sustainable clothes, avoiding music made by rapists, and shopping at Michaels instead of Hobby Lobby are all good things to do, but I’m not judging anyone who can’t or won’t do every single one.

      However, my answer changes when it comes to things more directly related to whatever horrible thing the artist in question did. Enjoying art is different than defending the artist on Twitter. It’s one thing to say “wow, that’s a serious allegation but I have no power to change the situation and I still like the Christmas album” and a completely different thing to say “I really like this music and can’t personally corroborate the allegation, therefore it might be false and anyone else canceling this person is bad.”

    • Brunette Elle Woods

      I think it depends. I won’t purchase anything related to Michael Jackson or R Kelly, but if a Michael Jackson song comes on the radio while driving, I might not change the station. I don’t think I’ll ever watch a Mel Gibson movie again though.

      • Hollis

        Same here. No way can I listen to Michael Jackson or R Kelly (especially with kids in the car) and feel not-gross about it. Tell me about Mel Gibson though – what did he do wrong?

    • Anon

      I don’t care about the actual ethics of this because I think it’s not wrong, and I don’t care about making a symbolic gesture. But if I think of it every time I hear the music/watch the movie, then it’s ruined for me. It also really bothers me if it’s thematically related or if I feel like a creep was expressing themselves or sort of trying to groom bystanders with their art? (Like if they made questionable things seem like they are funny or not a big deal or were always a bit “edgy.”)

      • anon

        +1. I was a big fan of Louis CK, but part of the schtick was that he said things that the audience assumed were just dark thoughts, not stuff he actually acted on. The misogynistic “jokes” are just creepy when you know he was actually doing horrible sh*t to women. Other jokes, like an extended story about saying horrible stuff to his kids, aren’t funny if you think that story might actually be true.

    • Anonymous

      I can’t comment about the cancel culture bit.

      But I have several times stopped enjoying artists that have been exposed in some way for behaviour that creates a visceral negative reaction in me. If the only thing I can think about when hearing a song, watching a movie etc. is somebody’s actions – or alleged actions – then I’m not enjoying it anymore. I don’t want to give that much of my mental space to negative actions.

      In terms of the “morals” of your example of an active, living artist (that I have never heard of) – I would feel differently about listening on Spotify, which would generate income for the artist, and listening to a CD I had already bought, which will not generate more income. In terms of not condoning, I mean.

      Sometimes there’s a funny work-around for the non-enjoyment. I remember the sleazy, dubious consent song and video from R Thicke. Super, super catchy song – super, super icky content. But Weird Al Jankowitch, has made a spoof song about bad grammar. Still catchy, funny, and I snicker every time I hear that song and know that Thicke didn’t get a play on Spotify.

  28. Anonymous

    Does anyone have any “safe” investments like bonds or CDs? I have about $40K in nonpenalty CDs (part of our emergency fund) that are ending soon and they will renew at like .7%.

    • Anonymous

      We managed to get a CD at 2.45% interest set up just before the rates tanked (again). I’m bummed since I have never seen good rates in my adult lifetime. In your case, I would just put that money in a high-yield savings account. 0.7% isn’t enough to lock up your money in another CD for.

    • MagicUnicorn

      You could look at a credit union. Mine has 3% on a checking account.

  29. Anon

    I still listen to the music or watch the movies if the content doesn’t promote the negative behavior. I can separate the art from the artist. In the case of say Louis CK who jokes about jerking off all the time, I don’t want to watch that because that is what he is accused of doing. If I found out my favorite painter for example, had abused someone, but the painting was of a serene ocean, I wouldn’t feel the need to get rid of the painting. If the painting was of little kids and he was accused of stuff with minors, I’d probably be grossed out and get rid of it.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      His jokes about jerking off always creeped me out big time. It’s shocking (although I guess it shouldn’t be) that he joked about the act he literally committed, it’s just so out in the open. I guess we should believe people when they tell us who they are.

    • anonshmanon

      Re your painter example, I also find it easier to separate the art from the artist when I don’t see their face or hear their voice. So, seeing Tom Cruise’s face in a movie, will inevitably make me think of all the scientology nonsense, but when I read Harry Potter, I get into that fantasy world without immediately thinking of who wrote it.

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