Friday’s Workwear Report: Sleeveless 3D Floral Appliqué Top

117 Comments

1. This looks like something I might consider picking up if it were twelve bucks on a clearance rack.

   1. For my tween to wear, not for me.

   2. Exactly.

      The shape would also look terrible on me. Crew necks are very unflattering, and the loose waist wouldn’t do anything for me.

   3. I’m ok with the flowers on the top, but I don’t understand why they continue under the arms?!

      1. Same! It looks uncomfortable to wear with bare arms, and like they would be lumpy under a cardigan or jacket.

2. Any recommendations for prenatal vitamins that don’t taste fishy? I had been using one a day, but they changed their formula and I’m now gagging on them every morning.

   1. Ritual

      1. Seconded. They have a nice pepperminty shell that really helps during first tri nausea.

   2. I’m not pregnant (yet!) but am taking Nature Made with DHA

   3. Garden of Eden.

3. What do you wear on your feet if you’re wearing a nice dress for a fancy party but you’re also the hostess, and you’re a no shoes household? Nice socks? Fancy slippers? It’ll be a pink sequin mini dress.

   1. It’s this dress in pink: https://www.nordstromrack.com/s/alexia-admor-val-sequin-long-sleeve-tie-waist-shift-dress/6459278

      1. pretty cute dress!

   2. You let people wear shoes at a fancy party and clean your floors after.

      1. This. Or don’t host at your house.

      2. This

      3. Tell me you don’t live somewhere with snow and salt.

         1. Not the person you’re responding to but I do. I wear boots then change into my fancy shoes once I get inside the host’s house.

            1. +1 and as a hostess formerly of that climate, I have doormats. One outside the door, one inside the door. There are lots of solutions here.

   3. Cute velvet mule slippers with a pointed toe, or sleek smoking slippers.

   4. To me, fancy dresses and no-shoe events don’t go together. It’s just not a fancy event if guests are wearing slippers and socks. I’d adjust the dress code down accordingly, or allow shoes for the rare times you host formal events. (hire cleaners to touch up the floors the next morning?)

      1. Also – if I were a guest – I cannot go shoeless due to foot problems. I’d have to buy a pair of slippers since every shoe and slipper I own has spent time outside the house. If I really cared about the event, I’d do it, but otherwise I’d just skip.

      2. Agree. This seems like an incongruous combination to attempt.

         Either set aside the shoeless house rule for this event, or aim for a less formal dress code. If you are set on fancy attire, perhaps lean into the juxtaposition, like make it a fancy dress + fancy feet gathering where you encourage your guests to pair their cutest bunny slippers with their sequined dresses?

   5. OP here – I should clarify. I don’t mind if guests wear shoes in my house if they need to. Everyone took them off last year without me even asking. So I don’t want to be the only one wearing shoes, hence why I’m trying to figure out what to wear on my feet with the dress.

      1. That makes sense! What about a brand-new pair of soft ballet flats that coordinate with the dress and you can wear as outside shoes in the future? That style straddles the line between shoes and slippers.

      2. Can you just go barefoot with a cute pedicure? I’m in the same kind of community where everyone takes their shoes off automatically (lots of Asians) and people are normally just barefoot or in tights.

         1. It’s safer to wear shoes (or substantial slippers) if you’re cooking a big meal. I use a pair of mini Uggs in a fun color as indoor shoes.

         2. Barefoot or similar in the kitchen (where missteps can involve spills, slippery floors, hot liquids, sharp objects) can be iffy. Also unless everyone is both young and slim, a lot of standing and walking and sometimes carrying things on a hard tile floor is not really advisable for feet/knees/back.

            1. And it’s cold!!

      3. Colored tights, could be sheer or opaque, in a similar color, deeper in the same color family, or even white. And/or sequin slippers – they’ll cover your feet but very obviously home slippers.

      4. Colored tights, could be sheer or opaque, in a similar color, deeper in the same color family, or even white. And/or sequin slippers – they’ll cover your feet but very obviously home slippers.

   6. Clearly, clearly, the glitter classic Crocs. How is this even a question?

      1. Or glitter Keds. Gold would be nice with your pink dress. https://www.nordstrom.com/s/keds-champion-lace-up-sneaker-women/7027700?

         1. These are cute!

            1. Somebody gave me a pair of pink glitter Keds ten years ago and I have gotten so much use out of them!!

   7. Don’t know how comfy these options are but they are cute and can be your set indoor party shoes at your place or at friends’:

      https://www.amazon.ca/Fericzot-Backless-Loafers-Pointed-Slippers/dp/B0865NN1FB/ref=asc_df_B0865NN1FB?mcid=88e9d0d07a3730c994f41ef091ca09c4&tag=googleshopc0c-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=752686405136&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=3564183759796442510&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9000897&hvtargid=pla-981031800457&hvocijid=3564183759796442510-B0865NN1FB-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1&th=1&psc=1

      https://www.etsy.com/ca/listing/1847386382/handmade-bridal-khussa-gold-embroidered?ls=r&external=1&rec_type=cs&ref=pla_similar_listing_top-5&sts=1&content_source=b95b1e56af68f27a0f34bbfe62451585%253ALTdcccd8c290461176fcdb09e20136c7f2677db265&logging_key=b95b1e56af68f27a0f34bbfe62451585%3ALTdcccd8c290461176fcdb09e20136c7f2677db265

      https://www.stevemadden.ca/products/sheer-blush-fabric?variant=40066505506934&gclsrc=aw.ds&&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paidshopping&utm_campaign=SCM%7CGoogle%7CPmax%7CWomens%7CShoes&utm_content=&wm_source=google&wm_medium=ads&wm_campaign_id=20358920537&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20354054085&gbraid=0AAAAADnmhnE3N7BQHjzjnm43D65a1EYL3&gclid=Cj0KCQiA9t3KBhCQARIsAJOcR7wJwYgelGFs2-nmmRTY85nDQBWy-TX_UIePqeJ30HtGbevpQG2Mi4YaAobJEALw_wcB

      https://www.houseofbruar.com/ca/vlvt-pnted-moccasin-black/?_gl=1*15wks4h*_up*MQ..*_gs*MQ..&gclid=Cj0KCQiA9t3KBhCQARIsAJOcR7xDlxV7zb6R9iIpayT3vqECKOqNUkQCBxBmOhLdlhzT6j-obii19e0aAjvXEALw_wcB&gbraid=0AAAAA_uG_5uOWhLk6llGB2mQhkZtoJN10

      https://www.manitobah.ca/products/walking-in-two-worlds-moccasin

   8. Ballet flat slippers
      Comfort view satin slipper: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/the-ana-ballerina-slipper-wide-widths-available/8660746?color=DEEP+CLARET&size=Regular-mediumw&utm_content=180381175328&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=pla-299367268755&utm_channel=low_nd_shopping_standard&utm_source=google&adpos=&creative=732402325833&device=c&matchtype=&network=g&acctid=21700000001689570&dskeywordid=299367268755&lid=92700081480996561&ds_s_kwgid=58700008847208287&ds_s_inventory_feed_id=97700000007631122&dsproductgroupid=299367268755&product_id=A9031495&merchid=1243147&prodctry=US&prodlang=en&channel=online&storeid=&locationid=9032179&targetid=pla-299367268755&campaignid=22218257657&adgroupid=180381175328&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22218257657&gbraid=0AAAAAD8eAEk73nF9v_p_eG-u0VFiRApMd&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIu_bYh9jtkQMVYA6tBh07HitYEAQYAiABEgIaVPD_BwE
      Isotoner satin: https://www.kohls.com/product/prd-2208600/isotoner-womens-satin-ballerina-slippers.jsp?skuid=95556465&CID=seo_offers&utm_campaign=SAG&utm_medium=organic&utm_source=google&utm_product=95556465
      Dearforms: https://www.dearfoams.com/womens-layla-velour-ballerina-slipper/30951-00001-S.html?utm_campaign=spring18&utm_medium=pla&utm_source=google&srsltid=AfmBOooQ0c_0T3M_JjcFaQzVW0eE7yusxLgkoD-KuqF_HxRhm0oNN6rF8F0

4. Please help my little awkward soul.

   I just moved into a new condo and want to hire a cleaner to come on a regular basis. In previous buildings, there’s been a manned front desk that would hold a key for me, let them into the building, and then give them the key to use, so I didn’t need to be in the space (helpful since it was a studio).

   Here, I need to be available to let them into the building and my apartment. I have a separate office where I’ll be working during the day – do I just have them clean my office first and then go back in once they’ve finished so they can do the rest of the condo without me getting underfoot? Or is this a find out from them what they prefer?

   1. There isn’t one right answer. What you describe sounds fine. We go to our basement now. When we had a smaller apartment we would often leave after letting them in, sometimes just to the apartment community space to work or read. I wasn’t comfortable giving them a key but was comfortable having them alone in the apartment for an hour.

   2. Not sure if this works for your schedule and logistics, but we schedule cleaners to arrive early in the morning, and just leave the door unlocked while we go to the gym.

      They lock the door when they leave (we have a knob that you can turn on the inside and close the door to lock it).

      The door is left unlocked for maybe 10 minutes between us leaving for the gym and the cleaners arriving.

   3. I work from home and do exactly what you described (although my cleaner usually does my office last) and try to stay out from underfoot while she’s cleaning. It’s no big deal and the only time it’s a little awkward is when I have a day off and then I feel weird sitting on my couch while someone is cleaning, but it’s really no big deal.

   4. I personally find it awkward to move rooms in the middle of a cleaning, especially because it’s always a 2 person team and they are normally working in different rooms of my condo. Maybe that’s not a problem if you have a big house, but it seems like you would be in the way in a condo. I would go to a building common area if you have one.

      I have the additional complication that my elderly cat hates being around cleaning. So what I do is have them switch off between cleaning my bedroom and office — one cleaning, I and my cat will hang out in my office for the whole time they are cleaning. The next time, we will hang out in my bedroom. Those rooms don’t get that dirty, so getting cleaned every other time is more than sufficient. But I mainly have cleaners because I hate cleaning the kitchen and bathroom (which do get dirty), so YMMV.

   5. I’ve always just given my housecleaner a key.

   6. This is what my WFH colleagues with house cleaners do.

   7. Get a lock with a programmable keypad.

   8. We work from home and the cleaners come while we’re here. Our cleaners have a routine of where they start and then work down to. We stay out of the way and once they finish an area we can work, we move back to that area.
      I am thinking the same may be true for your cleaners – so let’s say they start in the kitchen, you could work in your office until they are done cleaning the kitchen and then move to the table, freeing up your office. Or if they start with the living area, move to the couch, etc. Good luck!

5. Happy new year. Sorry to rant but I’m just so fing DONE. Another weekend full of present buying, play dates and entertaining. I should be grateful we have friends and family but right now I feel so burnt out that I’d like to do nothing for at least a week. Like see no one. Have no one over. Go to no one’s house and choose zero things to bring.Not think at all about anyone else’s diets or allergies or what kind of wine they drink. Wrap and purchase zero presents. Has anyone done this? The flu is going around and I’m having a fantasy about faking it. I feel so guilty because I’ve worked really hard to build a nice social network and I’m lucky to have family but really I feel an absolute urge to just be alone with my immediate family for a pretty long time.

   1. I just spent the week between Christmas and New Year’s doing nothing. I mean, I did a tiny bit of organizing and paperwork and hiked lots, but aside from one dinner, I had zero social plans. It was awesome. I took naps and played with my dog and read and savored hot drinks in front of a fire. 10/10n highly recommended.

   2. You can definitely say no to some invites without trashing your social network. Downtime and time as a nuclear family are important too.

   3. So do nothing for a week. Don’t tidy, don’t cook, etc.

      When you’ve recovered, brainstorm, via this site or elsewhere, how you can make your next holiday season less stressful. For example: buy a case or two of wine or a gross of nice chocolates, that you’ll give when visiting people; streamline the gift purchasing — give all the kids the same sort of thing, pjs or fun t-shirts, to minimize decision making; find/pay someone to do the wrapping for you (your kids? your cleaner? someone you found on task rabbit? the local mall?), and make note about what worked with the allergy and food prep and just do exactly the same thing next time.

   4. You need to learn how to set boundaries. An invitation is not an order

   5. You are absolutely allowed to take some time off. In fact, I think it might be a good idea to start a new tradition: The week between Christmas and New Year’s (or as much of it as seems desirable to you) is family down time. We did that this year and it was great.

   6. I think this level of burn out from socializing that you are grateful for and do legitimately enjoy is normal. In my view, the best way to deal with it is to anticipate it. Don’t beat yourself up for it, just realize it’s a natural reaction if you exceed your limits of socializing, decision-making fatigue, lack of downtime. Know your limits, and plan accordingly. For example, I know that I will become a cranky, hateful gremlin if I do social things more than 4 days in a row. I started paying attention to my own limits and I can bake in down time in advance. That is much easier than trying to force in some downtime when your schedule is already booked and you’d have to cancel/risk disappointing someone.

   7. Of course you can sit out socializing! You don’t need to explain or justify, either. “Thanks for thinking of us. We have a conflict so we won’t be there, but it sure sounds like fun. Happy new year!”

   8. We’re on a tropical vacation right now and I told my husband one of the things I was looking forward to most was not socializing with ANYONE. it’s been a great month but I need a break from small talk and extended family.

      1. Before I had kids, we always tried to take a beach vacation in early to mid January. Lower prices, fewer crowds and a great way to decompress from the holiday season.

   9. You can just … not do all that stuff if it isn’t filling your cup. Take a week off if you want. It’s an incredibly low stakes decision that you are free to make any time.

      1. Don’t lie, though. Just say no thank you. Important to role model the ability to say no without lying.

      2. Op here. I’m committed already. At the end of the day I’m just not a person who breaks plans because I’m not feeling it. It’s bad manners. I should have, would have, could have anticipated feeling this burned weeks ago when plans were made but I didn’t. I guess it’s just super easy for everyone else to handle all this but it’s hard for me. Sure, I can decline invites going forward but we’re looking at several weeks out. I’m having inappropriate fantasies of getting really sick just for the rest.

         1. I agree that habitually breaking plans is rude, but you can absolutely break plans once a year unless we’re talking about things like weddings.

         2. Ahhh so you have more festivities upcoming. I would try to minimize decision making, don’t do anything extra, and spend as much time outside and off screens as you can. To fill your battery, spend quiet time–even with your immediate family. Take time to read, rest, and do some exercise when you can.

         3. It’s not super easy for everyone else to handle all this, so don’t beat yourself up. I commented above, but I really think your best course of action is to use this as a learning opportunity to figure out where your boundaries should be set in the future, and how to make things easier on yourself next year. And maybe instead of cancelling all together, you can find other ways to cut back – leave a bit early? Come for drinks but not dinner? I’m a bit surprised you’re so booked at this point in the season – IME most people are also holiday’d out by now and resting and focusing on returning to work. Surely there’s something you can decline?

         4. To put a finer point on it, if you were my friend and were considering FAKING THE FLU because you were so burnt out, I can assure you that I love you enough that I want you to cancel the plans. Trust your friends to love you enough to understand.

            1. +1

         5. I don’t like to break plans either once I have committed and I totally get overcommitting. I can’t tell if this is a whole bunch of plans or just one event, but if it’s a bunch of stuff, I would see if you can opt out of or delegate one or two things on your social calendar where you wont be missed. Faking the flu is probably a bit much, but if it’s an event with lots of people, you can always say you need to recharge or your batteries/have a migraine/send your partner/kids without you or whatever. My other solution would be to see if you can pull back on something else. Take a MH day at work if you’re not too busy? Schedule some time for just you on a weekend morning? One of my things to do this new year is to just schedule a day off work every few months for myself to recharge. Kids would go to school, and I can sit in a coffee shop/go get a massage or a manicure or maybe just do nothing at all.

         6. It’s not super easy for everyone else! It’s great that you have such an active social life (i mean that genuinely), but I cannot imagine. I really only can handle like 1 social event per week.

            Depending on the nature of the plans, can you try to reschedule any of them for later in the month or Feb? I think a lot of people would understand how you are feeling.

   10. This is why I took the last week after Christmas off. But also, as an introvert, I just don’t over schedule my life. It makes me cranky. I like to keep a weekend day to talk to no one.

   11. I always give myself a “rot” day before coming back from a vacation or time off. Build in one or more of these and hold that time as a solid RSVP—no planning over. Going forward, minimize entertainment in your home—GF/dairy free/no shell fish/vegan/organic/whatever preferences can be a restaurant problem, not yours. And home cleaning burden is instantly lightened. Sort out hostess gifts well before the actual holidays and have early discussions to trim gift lists. Schedule some social things at non-traditional times as an alternative. My friends have an annual cookie baking and decoration catch up session in November every year. I love it—way less stressful than cramming it in with all the holiday family and school stuff a few weeks later.

6. I’m certain I owned like 15 versions of this from Loft in 2009-2011.

7. how do you organize your lipsticks? i fall into the ADHD trap of “if they’re put away I don’t remember them and if they’re out it’s a cluttered mess.”

   1. I only own 3-4 shades total, but 2-3 duplicates of each shade. One lives in my purse, one on my desk, one in my bathroom/vanity area. Also an ADHD-er, and out of sight, out of mind is a real problem, so I’ve just kept them in the places where they will be seen and used. And I’ve limited my options dramatically.

   2. I went to a windowsill and in bright natural light tried on all my lipsticks. Legitimately maybe 4 or 5 really made me look better. The others just made me look like I had lipstick on but not better, so I tossed them. Having 6 lipsticks requires so much less thought and energy than having 16.

   3. I throw away colors I don’t wear, which means I don’t have so many that I have to think about organizing them.

   4. I only have 3: black tie, normal dressy, and everyday. They live in my makeup drawer.

   5. I don’t have ADHD, but I have found that fewer options are better for makeup I’m general. I don’t keep more than two options for any one product, often just one. When I have more options I always gravitate towards my favorite anyway.

   6. I have a couple of glass cups (actually recycled candle holders). I have glosses upright in two cups and lipsticks in another two. I can see them all and they stay where I put them (corner of the vanity).

   7. I love having variety since I live somewhere with seasons and where a lot of different colors. I keep mine in a large square leather makeup storage kit with dividers. Then I separate by color family and type (reds, magenta, coral, neutral). Lip sharpeners have a spot and all the pencils go in a section. It still takes some digging to find a pencil or whatnot but it’s not too bad and having everything zipped up feels like it’s put away and tidy enough. I can’t stand having something loose on my counter or in a drawer or in a handbag.

8. In the vein of “new year, new you”, one of my goals this year is to improve my conversation style and my ways of handling conflict. That reflection question from last week really got me thinking and I realized I want to do less arguing in 2026.

   After a lot of issues at home and work, I think I leaned too hard into perimenopause anger, “we do not care”, and standing up for myself in 2025 and it’s cost me in terms of work and family relationships. In 2026, I want to find better balance in communicating and ensuring my needs are met and thus exploding or shutting down less. I also want to deepen some friendships but have a good idea of what to try there.

   I feel like most advice to women these days centers around “boundaries!!”, “let them!”, but what if you do want to improve relationships and fix things at home and work? Any ideas of where to start?

   1. Be nice. Don’t lie to yourself or others. Say no when you want to say no. Be honest with yourself about your limits. Ask yourself what the kind way to say no is. When you are having a day where you can joyfully offer affirmative acts of kindness and charity, do. Do not force them, or you will be bitter. And most importantly, trust other people to manage their emotions; do not manage them in advance for them.

   2. I’d start by getting more clear on what it is that you want to see be different. I do this kind of thing best by writing — you may need to talk it out.

      Your posts lists a whole bunch of ways to be different:
      Change your conversation style with people
      Handle conflict differently
      Argue less
      Communicate needs effectively
      Explode less
      Shut down less
      Deepen friendships
      Fix things at home
      Fix things at work

      Which one of these is what you actually want to work on? Which ones are core things versus symptoms of other things? What underlying stresses or causes are contributing, which aren’t on this list?

   3. Crucial Conversations is a great framework for helping you hit pause, examine the stories you’re telling yourself (and that others may be telling themselves), and react with intention.

   4. I really don’t know. I also want to do less arguing this year. But for me the feeling is more that I want to avoid metaconversations about relationships in 2026. If someone starts bringing up boundaries, unmet needs, or tries to do any type of friendship DTR, that is starting to feel like a red flag to me, like I just need things to feel easier and go more smoothly on their own this year because if I’m trying to juggle a bunch of expectations and rules, I’m going to start to feel drained and defensive sooner or later.

      1. These entitled therapy-speak conversations are exhausting and I take them as a sign that I should distance myself from the person. Boundaries and getting needs met are the responsibility of the person with boundaries and needs, not of everyone else. When you set a boundary it is about what you will do or accept, not about making demands on others. You do not even tell other people about the boundary; you just behave in accordance with it. Re. “needs,” if a relationship is not meeting your needs then there’s either a problem with the relationship or a problem with your needs. If the former, you’re not going to change the relationship by making demands. Just stand your ground on your own boundaries or fade the relationship out. But often the problem is entitlement. The only person you should be having deep relationship conversations with is your spouse or romantic partner.

         1. Exhausting is a good word for it. I don’t mind if somebody just makes whatever choices work for them, but encountering explicit dealbreakers and apparent ultimatums in a friendship is too intense for me.

   5. Listen to people for understanding not for responding.

      1. I really need to put this into practice more often, especially at work. I have gotten better, but could really amp it up. Thanks for this reminder as I start a new year.

   6. I would start by assuming good intentions. I think a lot of conflict and anger stems from assuming malice or carelessness as a starting point. “Weaponized incompetence” is sometimes just incompetence. People might be genuinely and unintentionally thoughtless, or at least not be thoughtless “at you”. I think it’s good that we named all these phenomena in the last 10 years but I think it’s also made our interactions more hostile.

      I am also trying to be more patient. For me, I notice that I’m much more patient/polite/whatever with people at work or people I don’t know that well than with my own family or closest friends. I don’t want to be my rudest self to the people I care about most. Thinking of it that was really helps. I can still speak up for myself or say no without being hostile about it.

      1. I personally don’t think it’s good we came up with the term “weaponized incompetence.” I think that’s an awful phrase that is just weaponized judgmentalism.

         A more accurate, less inherently cruel phrase might be “[potentially] intentional unhelpfulness.” If you’re wrong about the intentionality, you’re calling your partner unhelpful rather than incompetent. Being unhelpful is an action you can change in an instant; being incompetent is a fundamental state of being.

         I don’t think it is mean to say someone is being unhelpful. I do think it is mean to say someone is incompetent. Growth vs fixed mindset, etc.

         1. I honestly think that speculating about intentions is something to reserve for enemies and people we don’t trust.

            I also think incompetence is common though. Sometimes people change and grow. Sometimes people change with a lot of effort that they ultimately find unsustainable (gaining the weight back, letting the dishes or the mail pile up again, becoming more self centered after dropping the effort that went into being considerate, etc.).

         2. I don’t think you understand the term “weaponized incompetence” at all. It is not about calling someone incompetent. It is not about their fundamental abilities or characteristics. “Weaponized incompetence” is when someone chooses to use their purported lack of knowledge about how to do a task, or how to figure out what task needs to be done or when it needs to be done, to get out of doing that task. Rather than simply learn how to do a task to become helpful, the adult who is weaponizing their incompetence is choosing to lean into that incompetence to avoid being helpful. The emphasis is on the weaponization of a lack of knowledge, not the lack of knowledge. A classic example is when mom knows all of the baby’s doctor’s names and phone numbers and when appointments need to be scheduled, and dad doesn’t because he hasn’t been paying attention, and continues to put the burden of coordinating baby’s healthcare on mom, because “oh I just don’t know what the kid needs or who his doctors are and you do!” So figure it out. Learn. Or “oh I don’t know what size the kids’ clothes are, so I can’t handle the shopping!” So figure it out. Not knowing how to perform tasks isn’t a fundamental state of being, but lazy men and the women who shill for them would like you to believe it’s unchangeable and therefore they should be excused.

            The idea that someone is being intentionally unhelpful is not better. Wow, your spouse is intending not to help you? Um, that’s pretty awful.

            1. I fully understand it. Just DTMFA if you think it’s relevant in your life, and DTMF term from your vocabulary, because it’s childish and silly.

   7. Stop taking advice from internet memes and get back to basics. Your husband and men are not toxic. Perimenopause is not a disease that caused you to fail to function. You don’t need boundaries. You can give a lot of f*cks and you should. Be nice to people. Talk to them and figure out where they’re coming from. You aren’t perfect either.

   8. Embrace white lies and think about being strategic – you can catch more flies with honey, you know? How is your communication serving your long-term goals?

      For close relationships, focus on stepping away when you are getting triggered (for lack of a better word) – you actually cannot have a productive conversation when you are really upset, so take a step back and wait until you cool off. Look into the Gottman concept of “flooding.”

      1. Your second paragraph is great advice, but do not pick up lying as a way to avoid learning to how tell the truth kindly.

      2. You don’t need white lies. You can just say no politely or say something that is true. I got a party RSVP that was “Thank you for the invitation. So sorry to miss it!” No lies, no aggressive “boundary-setting,” no overexplaining, we are still friends.

         1. if I have absolutely no interest in going, saying ‘sorry to miss it’ would count as a white lie in my book.

            1. If you have absolutely no interest in going to see this person, they are not your friend.

            2. Then you can simply say “thank you for the invitation! We can’t make it, but I appreciate you thinking of me.” And frankly, if you can’t even muster that level of appreciation? Just ghost the people because you’re not actually friends with them (and/or work on your ability to appreciate others).

            3. Usually I show up for friends . But sometimes I don’t want to go, and since an invitation is not a summons, I don’t. In that case, saying that I’m sorry to miss it is not truthful. I think it’s totally fine to be polite and spare someone’s feelings in such a case, but I would call it a white lie.

         2. “So sorry to miss it” IS a white lie if you are, in fact, not sorry to miss it. That is the kind of softening phrase that I meant. Other examples, “That sounds fun, but I can’t make it!” – it does not sound fun to me, and I could make it if I wanted to, but I like you and appreciate being invited.

            1. “Thank you for the invite!” scribbled above an RSVP box that has a no checked on it does exactly what you’re hoping for with absolutely no softening.

            2. You are right, there are several ways to express it. Not every invite comes with a No box to check, so you still need a phrase to decline though.

            3. Sure. “Thank you for thinking of me! We can’t attend” is fine. The fact that you “can’t” because you can’t bring yourself to do so is not necessary information.

            4. That’s not the point. If I could make it, then saying I can’t is not true in the absolute sense of the word. But it’s a softer way to decline, because ‘I don’t want to come to your party’ would be rude and that’s just unnecessary. Therefore we’d call that a white lie. It seems that folks have different thresholds here between what they label a white lie, or perhaps just a polite turn of phrase.

            5. As long as you’re alive and not bed bound, you can make literally any party you’re invited to. It may require that you cancel on someone else, spend money you don’t have, etc., but you *can* do it. You can do pretty much anything, in fact. Saying “I can’t make it” covers I can’t afford to make it, I have other plans, I don’t have transportation, I would be a turd in the punch bowl if I came. All of those are at the same level of “can’t.” Of course you could; you’re choosing not to make the necessary sacrifices for all of them.

   9. I’ve read a couple anger management books and they are full of great, practical advice, so I recommend starting with one of those. I probably need to reread them yearly because it’s easy to forget to put them into practice.

      And I agree the internet is full of terrible advice for women, fueling a self-defeating men-hating victim mentality. You have to think about what kind of attitude will actually improve your life and your family’s life, and what will drive you apart and cause harm.

9. I went to a windowsill and in bright natural light tried on all my lipsticks. Legitimately maybe 4 or 5 really made me look better. The others just made me look like I had lipstick on but not better, so I tossed them. Having 6 lipsticks requires so much less thought and energy than having 16.

   1. I need to do this. I have an overflowing basket of lipsticks, glosses, and tinted balms. When I was in law school both as a matter of financial limitations and minimizing decisions, I had two really nice lipsticks – one that looked natural on me and one that provided visual emphasis. It was great.

10. Does anyone have any tips for getting rid of email spam? I try to unsubscribe but it does nothing. If anything just reenforces that a live person is at the other end. All the unsubscribe forms look identical so I think it’s all coming from the same spammer. I tried to block the contact but the next day the same email comes back from another gibberish email. This is from vendors like “Renewal by Anderson’ . I know I should just let it go to Junk and ignore but it pisses me off. Thanks.

    1. Do you also report as junk? I do both–block and report if it’s something I didn’t sign up for or have unsubscribed from. I find that usually helps.

       One that is particularly annoying, and lives in my straight to junk, which is not a ‘real’ sort of spam, is this person who is a relative of a relative, they got my email address off of something our shared relative sent, and have added me to their mailing list. I messaged multiple times asking to be removed but they don’t even respond. ugh.

    2. I have never not had success with an unsubscribe button if it is from the actual legitimate sender.

    3. Sort using gmails filters. Delete when you feel like it. Unsubscribe is a fool’s errand.

    4. If there is a unique phrase that all of the messages have in common (and that won’t show up in legit messages), write a rule to auto-delete anything with that phrase.

    5. Create a separate email account that you use for purchases or anything that might get you signed up for a mailing list (like entering a contest). That helps a lot.

       1. And if for whatever reason you don’t want a second email address, email servers ignore anything after the ‘+’ character in your address. So you can give out “Jane+spam@gmail.com” or “jane+oldnavyrewards@gmail.com”, and they will get delivered to jane@gmail.com as normal. Then if they get sold to a spam list, you can either set a universal filter for “Put emails to: ‘jane+spam@gmail.com’ directly into spam. Also if you use different additions for different mailing lists, you’ll know who sold your details and therefore shouldn’t be trusted in future!

    6. Block

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