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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Sleeveless Yahzi Wrap Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Happy Tuesday! This sleeveless wrap dress from DVF has a nice mix of the classic wrap dress style and a look that's much more modern than the typical DVF wrap dress we've featured in the past (with a collar and so forth). Seeing it in such a traditional pattern — chain-link, which is very DVF — is also nice. Obviously, for the office you'd want to wear this with a cardigan or blazer or jardigan, but the dress itself is lovely. It's $428 in sizes 00–14 (also in a palm limes pattern). The DVF Sleeveless Yahzi Wrap Dress More affordable options are at Amazon and NM Last Call, and a plus-size option is at Zappos. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

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331 Comments

  1. Reposting because I posted too late in the day yesterday…

    Anyone live or grow up in Rye, NY? Thinking it might be time to leave NYC soon (two preschoolers), and so far my husband and I liked the feel of Rye from our one trip there. Obviously, we know we need to spend more time and are planning to speak to an agent up there. Looking for some insight on the feel of living there.

    Thanks!

    1. There are suburb consultants – NYT Real Estate section constantly profiles or mentions this – so maybe you can look into this. It seems like it’s part of their real estate services so I don’t think it costs anything to reach out.

    2. I live in North White Plains (Valhalla schools) after living in NYC for 10 years (Manhattan for 6, Brooklyn for 4). I wouldn’t move to Rye. Happy to chat offline if you post an anon email address.

      1. (Realizing you may not wish to chat offline, and others may have the same question) — I would look at Armonk (amazing schools and you’ll get a little more land), Chappaqua (amazing but very competitive schools), and Pelham (by far the most expensive but also the best choice, great schools and great commute to the city).

        1. Yes, I will be lookeing to move to Chapaqua as soon as I find a guy to MARRY me. Rosa is there with her family and she never says a bad thing about it. She has FIOS Internet which is VERY fast, and there are alot of places for the kids to have fun and Ed even likes to lay around the house on weekends, when Rosa’s freinds are over. If there are any men out there looking to find a cute girl to marry and move to Chapaqua with me, here I am! YAY!

    3. I’ve never lived in Rye but went to private school with people from Rye, and they all liked it. I grew up in Bronxville (and loved it), and always thought that Rye and Bronxville had a similar feel with Bronxville feeling somewhat smaller.

    4. A close girlfriend lives there. She grew up in an equally posh westchester suburb.

      It’s a lovely neighborhood walking distance to the beach (and perhaps her country club? Or beach club?) and it doesn’t seem overly fancy to me. But to hear her talk it is the most fancy schmany place on earth and I cannot possibly understand the social pressure she is under from the other parents at school. So perhaps be aware of that but also take it with a grain of salt?

      1. My SIL lives in Rye with my niece. The town is not set up for two parent working families at all. For example, the kindergarten is half day. None of the elementary schools have after care. Even if you plan on hiring a nanny or au pair, systems like that set the tone for a town. It’s also very snobby – people get upset because kids from Port Chester come trick or treating. I would never move there.

    5. Now I’m freaked out. Truly appreciate the input though, and would welcome any more.

      Not trying to be dense, but could you describe what you mean by social pressure? I’ve been in Manhattan a decade, and have never been too concerned with keeping up with the Joneses. We’re a two parent working family (likely still both commuting to the city but with good hours).

      1. I grew up in Larchmont (one town over), still live in Westchester, and I have siblings and colleagues in Rye. It can be a great town, depending on what you are looking for. I personally would never ever live there. My siblings love it.
        My primary complaints are snobbishness, lack of diversity, and extremely high-pressure schools. I’d say the benefits are a strong community (if you fit in) and town resources/facilities (eg Rye Golf Club).
        Agree with previous poster that the town is set up for families with SAHM parent. If you can afford a nanny it’ll be fine, but you’d still miss out on a lot of the daytime socializing/mommy and me type activities. My colleague says she is the only working mom in her daughter’s entire kindergarten class.
        That said, I do know a single mom who works and stayed in town after her divorce, and totally loves it there.

        1. Aww don’t be freaked out- it’s just one person’s opinion. She thinks the other moms are judge-y of her clothes and her volunteering and the fact that they got married shortly before her oldest was born. She goes into these little spirals and I tell her she’s overreacting and she says I don’t understand Rye.. I’m from the north shore of Long Island, not mars, so I always kind of think she’s overreacting, but you asked about the town so I figured I’d share.

          FWIW; as a working mom I spend exactly no time thinking about these things and I can’t imagine that’s because my town is fundamentally different.

          1. Thank you – appreciate all of this. We’ll have to do some more exploring of the town and perhaps others.

  2. Man, I love a DVF print. But my body shape so does not work with a DVF wrap dress (flat-chested pear; I could have 100% more bust and still there would be extra fabric up top flapping around and basically threatening to unwrap itself; no amount of sari-inspired wrapping and tucking and/or fashion tape has been able to fix what is essentially a body/garmet mismatch).

    Today, I am wearing a Leota faux-wrap dress. It 100% works for my body (in S; in DVF wraps, I am a 8-10 hips and <6 in bust). AND it's washable and just over $100. So I've gotten over that I like the DVF prints better (and have lucked into some non-sheath dresses on ebay that actually work for me).

    1. I’m a curvy hourglass which is supposed to look great in wrap dresses but they don’t work on me either. They make me look 6 months pregnant. I agree with you though – DvF prints are beautiful.

      1. I’m overly blessed in the b00b department and wrap dresses make me look too sexy! I really hate this common refrain that wrap dresses look good on every figure.

        1. Yep. I think they look best on slim, non-curvy women who have B cup chests. The chest is really a Goldilocks situation – too small and the dress will make the woman look boyish and large-bottomed, but anything much bigger than a C cup and it will look inappropriate for work.

          1. Agreed. The best wrap dress I found (DD here) was from Lands End, and I can’t find that specific style anymore! I have 1 DVF dress and it gapes so I need to bring it to a tailor. I wish wrap dresses worked well on my figure; they really are so easy.

          2. Non-curvy B here. DVF is definitely not cut for me. It is cut for people with curves.

          3. My comment disappeared, but I think this is true. In general I think they look good on women shaped like Diane von Furstenberg and that’s it. I always feel like I am trying to pass off a bathrobe as a dress when I wear mine.

        2. Yeah, wrap dresses look good on me, but in a se*y kind of way. On the plus side, my boyfriend liked one of the Ann Taylor wrap dresses I got so much that he bought me another one in a different print. Heh.

          I find that a camisole underneath in a coordinating color (like, pick one of the colors that’s in the print), helps de-emphasize my (32D) bust a bit, visually. I like how I look in wrap dresses, but my office is not conservative at all.

          Despite this, I do agree with the general consensus that wrap dresses are definitely not easy for most women!

          1. Yes, I will be lookeing to move to Chapaqua as soon as I find a guy to MARRY me. Rosa is there with her family and she never says a bad thing about it. She has FIOS Internet which is VERY fast, and there are alot of places for the kids to have fun and Ed even likes to lay around the house on weekends, when Rosa’s freinds are over. If there are any men out there looking to find a cute girl to marry and move to Chapaqua with me, here I am! YAY!

      2. I have a few wrap dresses that look good on me – but I’m tall, 32DD, and have a size 4 waist. (For what it’s worth, I carry extra weight in my thighs, not even my hips, so anything that skims over my thighs is good. Sheath dresses will fit me everywhere except for about six inches below my hips.)

        1. This is exactly my body type, I’ve never heard anyone describe it this way. I will remember this when considering how something might fit.

    2. Same here. I’m small-busted (especially in relation to my hips) and wrap dresses are one of the least flattering silhouettes on me.

    3. Same here. I’m small-busted (especially in relation to my hips) and wrap dresses are one of the least flattering silhouettes on me.

    4. I’m an hourglass, but I carry most of my weight in my stomach. Wrap dresses do not work for me b/c they emphasize my belly. I am team fit & flare.

    5. Who are DVF dresses built for because it seems hourglasses (me), pears, large chested and small chested women have issues? I literally only know 1 person in real life that wears them due to DVF not fitting women without a very specific proportion and she is small (5’6″ about 120 lbs) with medium proportions (i.e. not straight, not curvy, not heavy busted, not small chested, legs neither long nor short).

      Is DVF only designing dresses for short mannequins now?

      1. I am that exact size but with no curves and cannot wear DVF. Perhaps your friend is the only woman in the world who can.

      2. I’m really surprised to see all the DVF-hate. The dresses make me look great. I’m 5’7″ 145 curvy hourglass. I wear a cami underneath to cover cleavage, which is not everyone’s bag. To be honest, DVF is my go-to for occasions when I have to look nice, but also look like I’m not trying (no idea how, as a society, we end up with this kind of event). I stalk DVF dresses on ebay and sale sites.

        2. I’m 5-4 with a really short torso. The waist doesn’t hit where my actual waist is so there is too d*mn much fabric above the ties.

          But I bought post-partum b/c of the salesperson who insisted that it would work throughout nursing and any weight loss / tummy shrinking. I so badly wanted to believe it. No amount of diet and exercise could fix the proportion issues. If it fits someone 5-7, that explains (to me) why it’s not what will work for me. And there isn’t a petite option.

          I love a good DVF shift (the Reina) and the shirtdresses work for me.

      3. The are just ok on me with a camisole. I’m 5’6, 140, 34D with smaller waist.

        I purchased one at Off 5th and it’s ok but not my go to dress by any means. The fabric is thin so it shows every lump around my waist/hips so I wear spanx. Then I worry about it flapping open so I wear a slip (yes, I’m old school). Spanx plus slip plus cami is a lot of work for a dress so I usually just don’t bother.

        I have an ancient cheap knock-off version of DVF wrap dress and it is thicker material and generally works much better.

        My friend who is straighter says she likes wrap dresses for creating the illusion of a waist.

        Mostly, I just want a professional dress that covers the bits and jiggly parts and isn’t uncomfortable.

      5. Now that I think about it, Lauren Graham wore them regularly on Gilmore Girls. So maybe you have to have her figure…?

      6. I am 5’10” and 130 pounds and I love DVF wrap dresses, so they definitely are not only for short women.

      7. Not sure why seeing your supposedly “small” acquaintance made you conclude that DvF dresses are only designed to fit short mannequins. A 5’6″ woman is clearly taller than average in the US and at her height, 120 lbs wouldn’t be exceptionally thin, so…

    6. I actually love the way wrap dresses look on me (5’9″, straight figured with B-cups) but I absolutely despise the constant readjusting to avoid exposing too much leg or chest. I much prefer faux-wrap styles.

    7. I will chime in even though I am in the minority here wrt wrap dresses – I adore them. (5’9″, very short-waisted hourglass). I like wrap dresses because I can adjust the waist, whereas for most other dresses (looking at you sheaths!) I have to size up to fit in the shoulders/butt and get taken in at the waist. I have one DVF wrap dress and the print is gorgeous, but I actually prefer the fabric and drape of my BCBG wrap dresses and always on the lookout for more.

  3. Favourite no-show socks for wearing with low profile sneakers? I love Lululemon socks because they don’t slip down but they’re so expensive for a pair! Any good alternatives?

    1. Someone here suggested the ones from Converse. I bought several of them and they are just amazing quality. Been slowly decluttering all the other pairs I have to switch to these.

      2. What stores reliably sell Converse socks? I don’t want to pay shipping to just buy socks online.

        1. Ugh I really wish they had worked for me. I could send you mine! I think I just got them on the ‘Zon.

    2. I got a 6-pack of Ecco brand on Zappos and am very pleased. The cushioning is similar to Lululemon or Smartwool (but they are cotton).

      1. +1 to Bombas. They are amazing! I’ve been looking for that unicorn sock and they are it. Lots of color options, no shows, etc. A little spendy up front but very high quality so they’ll last. A plus (ymmv), I’ve been wearing them multiple days with no stink.

        1. Do they have sizes? Every sock slips down my heel and I think it’s because I have larger feet (not huge, but apparently 9 to 9.5 is too much for ladies’ socks). The converse ones slip on me too. Ugh!

          1. I wear a size 10 and they fit fine. I believe they have sizes such as S-M-L but that depends on the style of sock. So far, no sock slips even on long walks. I have not tried the no-show socks; I’ve had bad luck with those (other brands).

    4. Piggybacking on this, does anyone have recs for no-show socks made out of thin wool? I find wool is better for traveling, but it’s impossible to find some that don’t slip!

      1. I’ve had good luck with Smartwool no-show socks. The higher the cut, the better they stay, but might show in low-profile shoes. The lower-profile socks do work pretty well, though.

        I get them on Amazon, sometimes you can find decent deals.

      2. Feetures Merino+ Ultralight no show socks are my go-to travel socks. They are a bit expensive ($16 a pair) but they last forever. Because they offer slight compression, the socks stay completely in place wet or dry.

    5. Additional piggyback – just bought my first pair of Allbirds and I am in love. I will wear them locally without socks (because I almost always am team no hosiery outside the office unless it’s winter), but are socks necessary for travel wear and, if so, which ones?

    6. I love Stance socks. They have a low profile sock that I wear with my sneakers. They wash and wear well.

  4. One time I found a DVF wrap dress at Marshalls, in my size. It was still pretty pricey so I skipped it but it still haunts me.

    1. Ugh, the one that got away. It is always coats for me – the perfect Benetton jacket I tried on in Rome when I was 16, the schoolboy blazer I hastily donated.

      1. I’m with you!

        The vintage teal wool coat with the ornate buttons donated during a move….

    2. I just bought one at TJ Maxx but semi-regretting it. I think that like the poster above, DvF dresses just don’t work as well as I want them to on me even though they a) are supposed to be great on everyone and b) are supposed to be especially great on curvy/hourglass shapes. Maybe they work best on more athletic figures.

    3. There was an outfit at J.Crew in high school that I would still wear today – ivory pencil skirt with richly embroidered turquoise flowers up one side, a turquoise cardigan shell with a chestnut cardigan. It was too expensive, but man I still sigh wistfully over that skirt.

  5. What do you lug to work each day, and how do you carry it? Looking for tips on how to streamline and not carry 2-3 heavy bags daily.

    I carry so much stuff. Yet somehow it all seems essential! This is what I take:

    Leather tote, which holds wallet, phone, sunglasses, card case, notebook, keycard, gate clicker, pens, lipsticks, mints.

    Gym bag, which holds change of clothes, sneakers, makeup, shampoo and toiletries. I work out in the morning so I need all my getting-ready gear.

    Lunch bag

    And sometimes my laptop and power cord when they need to come home with me.

    I look ridiculous carrying all this stuff. I’ve tried streamlining, but even if I *could* get everything into one giant tote, it looks bulky and hurts my shoulder. So multiple bags seems to be a must.

    I don’t live close enough to work to just drop stuff off throughout the day. I live in a major city and commute via train for 45 minutes, 20 of which is walking, so that’s probably why I feel this so much—can’t just dump everything in the trunk.

    Any ideas?

    2. Have you considered taking a small rolling bag and a small handbag i stead of your 3 bags? If I had to take all of what you have mentioned and carry it, I would probably opt for a small rolling bag [like Knomo Sedley Bag]. This would probably fit all of what you described, would put less uneven pressure on your back/shoulders and would still look good. I would still keep one small handbag – for items you want to keep close to you and/or when you need to go out for lunch or meet clients.

    3. Can you cab in on Monday and bring like 5 days of workout clothes and lots of snacks for throughout the week? Can you rent a locker at your gym for all of the things like toiletries (or just use the gym’s stuff?)? Then cab it all home on Friday?

      And ditch the leather bags — leather is too heavy.

      For lunch, can you go to sandwiches or something easy to carry? I’ve never brought a lunch bag every day. When I was too poor to eat out, for years I lived off various “bar” foods and granola and PBJ sandwiches (and variants). Anything needing refrigeration could just tough it out on the commute and then go into our work fridge.

    4. Leather is heavy, what about switching to a lighter weight tote? I use a Tumi nylon tote that I adore. I can fit my wallet, sunglasses, phone, keys, makeup bag, papers, umbrella if necessary, and lunch box in it. Also, I bought a flat rectangular lunch box specifically so it can fit in my bag – I hate carrying my lunch separately.

      1. Agree leather is probably too heavy. I am assuming you are already carrying a travel size of your shampoo, etc., but if not obviously do that. Also get one tote for your gym and lunch stuff and a smaller bag for your other items and stash the smaller bag in the tote when possible. Maybe a large clutch would actually work? Or something like a cross-body?
        For the lunch, I found these collapsible lunch containers at TJ Maxx that are great for the commute back since they fold pretty slim when empty. I also keep a real plate, bowl and utensils in my office which lets me bring in disposable containers a lot – e.g., I’ll often bring soup in an empty jar I would have recycled anyway and just recycle it at work. This doesn’t help my morning commute much, but it helps at the end of the day a lot. I would also try to bring lunch for more than one day – so e.g., soup for multiple days, etc. If it’s possible, you could also pick up your lunch for the week at a supermarket by work early in the week so you’re not lugging the same stuff from home.

    5. When I started carrying my laptop home every night, I bought a Tumi vinyl tote to reduce the weight I was carrying from the leather tote. Buy a second power cord to leave at home, so you don’t have to bring it back and forth. Then the laptop goes in the tote. I don’t use a real lunch bag. I just throw my stuff in a plastic shopping bag and toss that in my tote. Can’t you wear your sneakers on the commute and change into work shoes at work so you aren’t carrying them?

    6. Can you put your lunch bag in your gym bag? I also take public transit so I really get the “aahhh so many bags!!!” feeling. Also, what about a backpack? Either a big one with everything, or just for your gym stuff+lunch so you have more hands free.

      1. Backpack! You might still need a tote or a gym bag, but you can definitely fit either lunch+gym stuff or lunch+tote stuff in a backpack.

    7. Another thought: you could probably fit a lot more in a backpack and be more comfortable.

    8. Gym locker for sneakers/makeup/toiletries.

      Backpack for work clothes for the day + lunch bag. Roots has nice sleek leather ones.

      Leather tote (how big is this? Maybe downsize to smaller purse) for wallet/phone etc.

    9. I also carry personal stuff (wallet, etc) + gym stuff + lunch to work every day. I have managed to get this all into a very small tote by:

      1) Rent a locker at the gym and leave a set of makeup/shampoo/etc. there. Also leave your running shoes there.
      2) Streamline the personal stuff. Put a few business cards in your wallet and call it a day. Do you need a notebook? See what is essential here – you know your life.
      3) Pack a compact lunch in one container. I used to separate the different portions of my meal into different containers. Now I just throw it all into one larger container and try to keep it divided and, if it gets mixed up a bit, well, so be it. You could also look into the american bento boxes, although many of them are quite large.

      1. Silicone muffin cups inside the lunch container will help keep the components separated. Make sure the muffin cup is as tall as the container.

          1. I use silicone muffin cups also. You can buy a bunch of different shapes and sizes on amazon or a craft store with baking products. They fit well in the silverware section of the dishwasher. I even use them for hummus or similarly heavy condiments, and they work very nicely.

    10. Can you switch to a gym closer to home so you can get ready at home?

      Backpack instead of tote for either your work bag or gym stuff.

      Put your lunch in one of the other bags.

    11. Does your gym allow for locker rentals, and/or could you find a gym that does? My athletic club allows for locker rentals at a reasonable monthly rate, and provides laundry service for locker renters. You’d be able to leave all your workout clothes, a couple pairs of sneakers, a set of toiletries (yes, you may need to buy a second set of everything so you have one at home and one at the gym). You’d only need to carry in the clothes you’re wearing to work that day, which you could fit in your main tote. Wear shoes to the gym that you can also commute to the office in, and keep pairs of work shoes at the office.

      Speaking of your main bag, last year, I stopped carrying a purse on the regular during cold months when I wear a jacket or vest with pockets, and I find I don’t miss having all. the. things. In the summer I go with a small crossbody. If I were you, I would start by leaving all this stuff you’re toting at work: mints, lipstick, notebook, pens, etc. I take notes on my phone, in 45 minutes of commuting there probably isn’t a lot you need so desperately that you can’t wait until you arrive at your destination. Do you need your entire wallet? Daily, I carry two credit cards, my gym badge, drivers licence, insurance card and a $20 in a cute little J.Crew card case, along with 2-3 biz cards. I only grab my full wallet if I’m running errands and might need loyalty cards or Nordstrom card or something. On days you have to lug the laptop, you’re just going to have a heavier bag or carry two bags.

      1. +1 I wear my work clothes to the gym in the morning because they’re usually more bulky than my athletic gear. Sneakers and toiletries stay in my locker, so I’m really just bringing workout clothes and my headphones in my gym bag. My work clothes get hung up as soon as I change into my workout stuff, so I also don’t have to worry about wrinkles.

      2. I bought a travelling vest from Scott EVest last year. Used it daily on a trip to Canada, Greenland, Iceland. It was great. I would think it would be great for OPs commute… Thoughtful pockets … Their trench coat (short ish length, mine is red) actually has a wide elastic in the front lowest pocket – to keep a water bottle upright.

        The only down side is that due to the RFID pockets in their items, everything has to be machine washed/dried rather than dry cleaned.

        For me, it is a life changer for flying and on vacations.

    12. This is what you need to do:

      – Backpack with padded laptop sleeve. Put lunch bag inside backpack.
      – Fit gym stuff in backpack if possible. If not, carry a small extra duffel bag that can go cross-body on gym days.

      When you go out to lunch or to a coffee, bring your wallet and keycard only. Done.

      1. Yeah, this is what I do. It’s not s e x y but it works.

        If you can’t get a gym locker, could you get an extra makeup bag, and leave it at work? Or use the shampoo/conditioner in the gym showers instead of hauling your own?

      2. +1

        This is exactly what I do. I can generally fit my gym stuff in my backpack and don’t need the extra duffel bag.

    13. +1

      This is exactly what I do. I can generally fit my gym stuff in my backpack and don’t need the extra duffel bag.

      1. Plus if you really are concerned about appearances, one backpack is going to look way better than multiple smaller bags.

    14. Double up on whatever gym stuff you can and leave it at the office. I’m thinking shoes & toiletries so you only have to carry your outfit. Of course, this won’t work if you go to the gym on your way to or from work.

    15. I firmly believe in leaving gym bags at work. I’ve done laundry service from work, locker rentals and have no problem rinsing our gym clothes in the gym locker and hanging them up to dry on banker boxes under my desk. Obviously don’t know your office / gym setup but would highly recommend this. You need an entire outfit, shoes and toiletries, maybe a towel to leave at work but it’s SO convenient.

  6. Dress question. I’m doing a bit of a closet purge and can’t figure out what to do with my A-line/fit and flare dresses (they’re sort of in the middle). I used to wear them with cardigans but this feels dated and they don’t quite work with blazers or at least not ones I’ve tried. Many are sleeveless though so I don’t feel quite right in them at work without something over. And what shoes? Everything feels sort of like I’m playing dress up as a Mad Men character. How is everyone styling dresses now? Will a longer blazer help? Or is it just time to donate them and find a more modern silhouette.

    1. I mostly wear dresses with cropped blazers or like a jardigan. I’m ~5′ though, so I can’t wear longer blazers. I’ve seen that look good on people though.

      1. +1 Also short and this is what I do. My favorite blazer for A-line dresses is from WHBM like… 5 years ago? Back when peplum was having a moment. It’s cropped, 3/4 sleeve, nips in at the waist and flares just slightly. It follows the line of an A-line dress really nicely.

    3. I’ll take them! I mean all I wear is a-line or fit & flare. I work in a very casual environment so I wear sleeveless dresses with cardigans all the time. I wear a more open/drapey cardigan than the standard crew neck cardigan. I am petite and my dresses usually hit right above the knee so I wear mine with flats.

    4. Dress silhouettes are tricky right now. Everything seems to be moving toward a midi length, which makes older dresses feel dated.

      That silhouette in particular is challenging. Blazers and jackets have gotten longer lately, so they don’t look right with fit and flare dresses. If you don’t like the dresses alone without a topper, I say donate them.

      1. +1 on the St. Ambroeus. It has a sleek, contemporary look, and the shorter length works well with fit and flare silhouettes. I wouldn’t pair a longer blazer with a fit and flare. The blazer needs to end above the bulk of the flare.

    6. Have you tried shirts underneath the dresses? A collared button up can go very Mad Men, but a modern pattern on a nice blouse can look good. For shoes, have you tried wedges or a boxier heel?

      1. + 1 I think cap hill style (or the work edit?) posted about this but perhaps with regard to sheath dresses?

      2. Also see The Directrice for ideas for layering shirts and tops under other clothing items. I feel like she is pro level at this.

      3. This would be my advice. I have a few thick cotton tees with mid-arm sleeves that I wear for this purpose. They have to be tight in the body and have a scoop neck or a turtle neck and mine are either short and end right above the hip or are long enough to tuck into my bottoms. I feel like white makes me look like a teacher so I avoid that combo. Jewel tones or darker neutrals work well. I wear a gray or a lilac tee with my sleeveless charcoal dress and it looks completely intentional and not like dress up. And honestly I prefer the feel of the soft tee on my shoulders vs the wool of the dress.

    7. Cardigans with standard dress silhouettes are never dated, primarily since we don’t really have a choice with all the sleeveless options. Jardigans are just heavy cardigans or more structured, I’m not sure why people are making such a big deal out of them.

      1. I don’t know, maybe not dated but I feel frumpy and sort of blah in it or like I’m going to a cotillion. So great if that works for some, but I’m wondering how to make it feel more modern for me. Thanks for the ideas so far, everyone.

        1. Don’t wear pearls, ha. Go for funky. Statement necklace, bright colors up top, pattern shoes…

        2. These days, I only wear the shorter fit-and-flare or a-line dresses with tights and booties. I do midi-length sheath dresses with bare legs and heels. I’m in SF, so we’re usually a little behind the fashion curve, but that feels about right to me.

          I increasingly look for sleeved dresses that I can wear without a jacket, but I do have a handful of shorter jackets (from that peplum moment!) that work better with a-lines. Something about how the peplum tucks in at the waist and follows the curve of your hip and the a-line makes those work better. Jardigans and cropped jackets are generally too short for me for this to work, but I have a long torso.

    8. I do mine with a shorter zip-front moto-style blazer, worn unzipped with a long pendant necklace.

    9. I’m going through a similar process of purging and evaluating. I have a soft motto jacket I found on sale at Antrho, or I wear an open / no button cardi. I think these types of dresses read ‘classic,’ though I agree that right now the styles are shifting!

  7. I left my biglaw job six months ago and am still looking for another job. I’ve done all of the things you’re supposed to do when you’re looking for a job (coffee dates, conferences, networking groups, checking job postings, etc.) but nothing has worked out so far. Part of the challenge is that I’m looking for legal jobs outside of private practice (so, government and non-profits) and those are scarce and very competitive. I’m waiting to hear back about a couple of interviews for jobs that I would be very happy with, but I can’t count on getting any of them. I’ve run out of ideas and am feeling lost and a little hopeless.

    Is there anything else I should be doing to find a job? I’m so bored right now, how can I use this time better? How do I figure out what my next step is? Do I go to a career coach? Do I go back to my therapist who helped me decide that quitting was the right thing to do in the first place? Why can’t I figure these things out myself like everyone else seems to do? Ugh.

    I would really appreciate any suggestions or advice.

    1. Can you pick up some volunteer work in the meantime, like through Legal Aid or one of those orgs that’s always looking for pro bono work? You’re doing all the right things, it’s really just a matter of timing. I think once you hit the 6-month mark you have to pick up something else just to show that your skills are still fresh.

    2. Do you need robe working? I think everyone will yell that I’m being harsh but I don’t care what your therapist says, you aren’t entitled to a dream job. If what you can get is a different job in private practice, take that. Keep looking. It is easier to find a job when you have a job. Most of us don’t have it figured out. We are working at jobs we find tolderable because that’s who hired us and we need to get paid to afford our lives.

      1. +1 Unless you are independently wealthy or have spousal or parental support your savings will run out and the longer you are out of work the harder it will be to get a job. Even volunteering with Legal Aid (or something similar that shows you using your legal skills on a regular basis) that Anonymous above mentioned is something to put on your resume. I know a lot of friends that worked on a contract or ad hoc basis for small practices or solos until they got the job they were searching for; it keeps skills fresh and makes it look like you weren’t putting around for 6 mths.

        1. This is what I did when I was jobless after the one-year fellowship I left BigLaw for ended. I started by working doc review (bills gotta get paid) and then I worked the heck out of my network and ended up helping a solo practitioner write one appellate brief (at night, after doc review), and he liked me enough that I spun it into working for him full time.

      2. Agreed.

        Plenty of people take up contract work, temp roles, whatever, while job hunting. If it’s between you and the person who hustles, usually, the person who hustles gets the job.

    3. I think you should volunteer in a structured way (set hours per week) for a government agency or non-profit in the field you want to do and then excel at that work. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to find a job when you don’t have a job.

    4. Don’t underestimate how rare and competitive in house/ non-profit positions are. WRT non-profits, this depends to some degree on what type of work you want to do. It’ll be easier to find a job at legal aid than the ACLU. What type of non-profit work do you want to do? What connections to the field do you have? Does your resume make you look dedicated? Are you willing to move? When I was leaving biglaw, I interviewed for a fed government job in my field. 300+ applicants. I also applied for an in house role at a well known company where I had connections. The job posting wanted someone with my # of years of experience (more junior) but I was told they got so many great resumes from people with 15+ years they went with that. I interviewed at several non-profits I had prior experience with, but they wanted me for offices in other states (just where they had opportunities) and I decided I preferred not to move. At a certain point, it’s not you, it’s just an insane numbers game.

      One more option if you truly want to get into the non-profit world. If you have the financial resources, can you work part time for a non-profit for free? This is a risky strategy (see, finances, may not work out), but I have a number of friends who did this early in their legal careers and eventually got hired by their non-profits.

      And yeah no one is figuring it out all by themselves, and this isn’t easy for anyone.

      1. +1! Those are very competitive jobs. I applied for dozens of federal government jobs over a few year period, and interviewed for about 8, out of which I got 2 offers. At almost every single interview (and maybe every one), the interviewers would tell me that they got over 300 (or over 400 or over 500) applicants. It is not easy

    5. I think you should look for all reasonable jobs, including private practice. It’s much easier to find a job if you have a job. You don’t have to stay there very long.

      1. +1. I spent several months looking for an alternative “dream” job after my biglaw firm pushed me out last year. I was very averse to staying in private practice, but I wound up in a boutique firm anyway because that’s who was willing to hire me. It’s still (way) better than my last job.

        2. Oh and this is a good point. I ended up not doing anything close to what I thought I wanted to do post-BigLaw, but whooooo boy was it still way better than BigLaw (for me).

    6. I am in a similar position. I spoke to some old co-workers who connected me to someone who I now do some work for.

      If you are in DC maybe we can meet up and commisserate and share ideas? My email is cookiesbreakfast6 at the mail of g.

  8. Anyone have a good recipe for a brunch-type vegetable tart? I’d like one that’s less like a quiche…not a ton of heavy cheese (maybe ricotta based)?

    4. Look up Ottolenghi’s very full tart, from the Plenty cookbook. It’s full of roasted veggies and has ricotta and feta in it. It’s delicious.

    5. Our family’s favorite is Ellie Krieger’s Broccoli, Mushroom & Cheese Breakfast Strata. It has some cheese but is still very light.

      1. That sounds so yummy. It says to refrigerate at least 8 hours. Have you tried making it the night before and refridgerating until the next day to use for supper or is that too long?

        1. Haven’t tried that but I think I doubt few more hours in the fridge would affect it.

  9. Can someone recoomend the essential elements of a “capsule wardrobe” of sorts that allows one to be outdoors for short to medium hikes in all types of weather.Recently moved to Boston from a tropical country and not sure what and how many types of jackets and shoes I should own to be able to go to work and hiking with friends over the weekend. Want to start with the basics and would appreciate any help! TIA!

    1. What do you mean by “go to work”? Are you looking for outerwear that’s work and commute appropriate? If so, these are probably different clothes than those you’ll use to go hiking on trails in the woods.

      1. I am trying to understand how many pairs of shoes I “must” buy: rain commute + rain hike + snow commute+ snow hike+ work wear appropriate + sneakers and if folks have recommendations! For example is there one brand/type of shoe that can be worn outdoors from oct to march? I bought a pair of snow boots but d’t think I can wear them in spring when it is still pretty cold and very rainy. What do folks wear then?

        Re jackets: yes, my work place is casual so can someone say essentially you need 2-3 (instead of the 7 VERY SPECIFIC jackets I bought) of such and such kinds. Clearly a trench coat is less versatile that I thought it will be and I should have bought may be a Northface hoodie… not sure…

        Sorry to be so clueless, I am really struggling with the weather and understanding what’s appropriate and feel like I have wasted a lot of money. Yet when friends planned a hiking outing this weekend, I am like, OMG I have NOTHING to wear!!! Please help!

        Thanks!

        1. For outerwear in Boston, you need, at a minimum:
          – unlined waterproof rain coat with hood. Good for hiking in all weather, just layer up when it’s cold
          – zip fleece, ideally windproof or water resistant. Good spring jacket, by itself, also layers under the raincoat for hiking
          – down vest. Layer with everything else, and it packs small in your bag, which is good for when the tops of mountains are colder
          – nice wool coat. This is your office-appropriate go-to for weather from the 30s to the 50s, or colder weather if you need to dress up
          – knee-length down coat. This will keep you warm in the coldest part of the winter.

          You can get more if you want, but if you’re hiking in cold weather just layer up with long underwear, warm hat and gloves, and a couple of merino sweaters and you will be fine with down vest + fleece + raincoat.

          1. Oh and I should have mentioned, they sell coats which are basically 1 and 2 combined, and you can zip them together and it’s like a ski jacket or you can take them apart and wear them separately. So you would only need that, a wool coat, a down coat, and a down vest. Uniqlo also sells super cheap lightweight down jackets and vests, which aren’t warm enough for the depths of winter but which are good for the transition seasons.

        2. Aha, you just moved to Boston – I have like 50 pairs of shoes. ;)

          I would buy a Patagonia/LL Bean/etc rain shell for hiking in the spring and then you can layer it with a base layer or 2 underneath if it is still chilly. Light hikers like Merrells are good – I wear those in the spring for hiking/yard work etc. I wouldn’t wear the same thing for hiking as for snow boots – although if you were hiking in snow you could wear your hiking boots with snow shoes!

        4. If you’re planning on doing a lot of outdoor activities, I think you should plan on having a totally separate set of shoes for that than for commuting / work. My hiking shoes get so dirty and beat up that even if they are still good for outdoor work I would never wear them to the office.

          I have Donner all-leather hiking shoes, going on four years of wear, and they have passed the break-even point against a cheaper hiking boot (I do 8-12 overnight backpacking trips per year so I put a lot of miles on them). I also have a pair of trail runners for shorter or wetter hikes.

    2. My outdoors capsule is pretty sparse; looking to beef it up, but the nice thing about hiking is that you honestly don’t need to worry about repeating outfits or really caring at all what you wear. Just have enough that you don’t have to rewear nasty-smelling dirty clothes. I would not recommend trying to mesh work and hiking clothes. Just have two separate wardrobes.

      My recommendation for outdoors clothes, all weather:
      Quick dry pants
      Quick dry shorts (x2)
      Thermal underwear
      Lined jeans
      Long sleeve athletic shirt
      Long sleeve thermal shirt
      Athletic tee/tank (x3)
      Puffy vest
      Waterproof shell jacket with zip-out liner (mine is North Face)
      Fleece pullover/zip
      Ball cap
      Wool/cashmere hat
      Warm headband/ear warmers
      Thin thermal gloves
      Socks of all kinds
      Waterproof hiking boots
      Lightweight summer trail runners

      1. This is a solid list. I also recommend convertible pants to save on at least 1 garment. I have the Prana ones, and it looks like the current version actually has large enough pockets (my only complaint about mine is the tiny pockets). They zip off into capris, and are super useful for the NE where it might go from 50 degrees in the morning hike to 80 by afternoon.

      2. So this is an amazing list. For the long term pro hiker.

        But I lived in Boston for 15 years and still went on the occasional hikes and enjoyed outdoor activities and didn’t have 90% of this list.

        OP….. I would slowly buy things as you need them, and not go for the pro stuff unless you are transitioning into a seasoned, regular hiker. You can always layer a sweater/sweatshirt/long sleeved Tshirt over a short one under a light jacket. You don’t need a lot of specialty wear. It’s nice to own a casual pair of jeans, shorts, maybe sweat pants/legging pants and these can be used for hiking or weekend wear too. A decent pair of shoes that aren’t necessarily hiking boots but are shoes you also can wear on the weekends.

        But in general, capsule wardrobes are for work, and unless you work in the most casual silicon valley start up… don’t overlap with hiking or most weekend wear.

        1. Oh yes, I was assuming she was asking in order to hike multiple times a month. If she’s a twice a season hiker, you really just need one pair of waterproof trail shoes and layers.

          I do the “activity capsule” approach to wardrobes a la You Look Fab – I have a capsule for hiking, a work-out capsule, a work capsule for each season, a capsule for summer vacation, etc.

          2. WOW, standing ovation! May be you should do a guest post here? I wish I knew you in person so I could steal all your ideas and repay in wine and food!

    3. I agree with many of the suggestions here. I am an avid hiker/camper who also works in a business casual office. My wardrobes are totally separate with the exception of my knee-length down jacket (because when its 10 degrees, who cares??).

      For hiking, it feels like a lot of gear because you have to be prepared for all types of weather, especially if you are doing longer hikes or hikes at elevation. Even a nice day can turn into something nasty quickly and unexpectedly. Don’t wear cotton (jeans, leggings, t-shirts) because you will be freezing cold and wet if you get caught in the rain. Technical fabrics and fleeces are your friend!

      Some basics I would recommend starting with:
      – Quick dry pants (I like Prana. I also don’t recommend shorts because pants protect your legs from bugs and scratches.)
      – Technical t-shirt
      – Long sleeve wool half-zip for layering
      – Fleece (for cold mornings or hikes @ altitude)
      – Hat and gloves (same needs as fleece)
      – Waterproof hiking shoes
      – Wool socks (pricey, but SO worth it)
      -Baseball cap

      If you hike in the rain, you need to add a good rain jacket and rain paints.

      You will also need a backback to bring snacks/water, other essentials and to store all your extra clothes; it’s best to buy one for specific outdoor use because they often have a sleeve for water pouches and a nice hip belt to take the weight off your shoulders.

      Enjoy the gorgeous hiking in the Boston area!! Stay safe and soak in the scenery.

    4. I do lots of outdoor activities and hike irregularly, not all day and not massive distances. Asics trail runners have served me very well in most average terrains, with decent traction in wet conditions. If my half-baked Half Dome dreams someday come to fruition, I’d upgrade everything, but until then, layering my normal workout gear and a North Face rain coat works.

  10. Blood pressure? Anyone focused on getting theirs down without meds? Was just informed mine is just over the limit and want to get that under control. Obvi, exercise , eat right etc but any personal success stories?

    1. No personal success stories (my dad has high blood pressure and the only thing that has worked for him is meds) but I know they just lowered the limit so a large majority of Americans now have high blood pressure. So it may not be a change in you at all but rather a change in the definition of high blood pressure.

    2. Yes. FWIW, I also started giving blood regularly. Having 6x/year more readings made me just focus on relaxing and also eating better (esp. in the hidden salt department).

      Am in BigLaw, so my life is basically anger, stress, and caffeine (sort of kidding), so wasn’t going to let the job kill me slowly.

        1. It’s that she gets more BP readings a year when she gives blood and can keep better track of it.

        2. None.

          Blood letting is not a treatment for hypertension.

          The OP could try the usual loose a little weight /exercise, but also try decreasing salt intake (but most of us can’t solve high blood pressure this way, so don’t torture yourself). Buy a blood pressure machine at Costco,and record blood pressures a couple times per day. Follow the directions and do it the same way every time.

          I also recommend mindfulness/stress reduction strategies including exercise.

          Pharmacy machines are notoriously unreliable. White coat hypertension doesn’t mean you don’t need to treat. It means that every time you get nervous or stressed, your blood pressure spikes. Not good, and often still needs treatment.

          And remember that for many of us, high blood pressure has a genetic component and there is only so much you can do. I have known of some people going on drastic lifestyle changes to a plant based diet and aggressive exercise and getting off Meds. For me, it’s a balance of quality of life. Food is a great pleasure and I’m pretty healthy/thin, so if modest lifestyle changes didn’t get my pressures down I would take the meds.

          1. Reading comprehension fail. She didn’t say that giving blood fixed her hypertension. She said that regularly getting her BP taken made her more aware of her BP and motivated her to eat better, especially by reducing salt. Diet, especially reduced salt intake, is a key factor in improving BP.

            There’s absolutely a genetic component to BP, but that makes it all the more important for those people to exercise and eat well as their genetics are already working against them.

          2. I didn’t mean that the pharmacy machines were better, but the blood pressure machines at doctor’s offices are also frequently unreliable (and the nurses often use very poor technique). But we can try to substitute quality with quantity by just getting a lot of readings under different circumstances.

            It’s also true that white coat hypertension may require some kind of treatment, but it helps to know whether there’s an option of treating anxiety/stress as the cause of the hypertension vs. going straight for the hypertension. For some people, anxiety may also be causing low blood pressure and blood pressure swings, and this can also affect the choice of meds.

            It’s just not that hard to get some more potentially useful data points beyond a single day’s BP reading.

          3. No, actually it isn’t helpful to get a bunch more readings from unreliable sources.

            It is best to get your own machine, follow the instructions carefully, and repeat under consistent conditions to monitor for changes after any lifestyle/treatment changes. It is also great to take the pressures and record them at similar times each day to look for the trends.

            Nurses/nursing assistants often use the automated machines in the clinic and those are not the greatest. Also the nursing assistants do not follow the instructions most of the time either!. A good doctor will check your blood pressure themselves when they are monitoring it for treatment, using the old fashioned cuff and stethoscope. That’s the best.

          4. No reading comp fail. I answered the question of the poster. Maybe you should re-read it.

        3. OP blood giver here

          No direct connection b/w being a donor and blood pressure

          Indirect connection b/c I know I have to eat better to not fail the iron test (has been a problem when I was younger) and take care of myself a bit better and I have 8 more readings a year in a clinical setting (so not relaxing at home). I am competitive with myself for things like this so I do NOT like to fail the iron test and always ask for my BP reading so I can see if I do “better” the next time.

    3. I recommend getting a “second opinion” by having your blood pressure checked at a pharmacy as well as at the doctor’s office. Apparently a lot of people have white coat syndrome with no psychological experience of stress or anxiety. I’ve also seen doctors recommend checking both arms just to see what’s up.

      This probably came up with the doctor, but if you are on hormonal contraceptives for any reason, consider finding a way to quit them.

    4. Do you eat a lot of canned food? Canned food elevates BP for hours afterward (something to do with BPA/the lining). Otherwise, work on increasing your cardiovascular endurance. My husband’s went down slightly after exercising slightly more; he’s not exactly killing himself at the gym, but there has been a small improvement nonetheless.

    5. My husband has hereditary HBP. After being on meds for a few years and changing his diet, he let the prescription expire one month. He kept checking his BP at home and it stayed normal. At his next check up his doc confirmed it was normal and he could stay off the meds until it came back.

      One other thing that changed during that time is he moved to a less stressful job which I’m sure played a part.

    6. Mine spiked at my last doctor’s appointment, but I was also sick (so I was taking DayQuil, which has caffeine), I’d already had my coffee for the day (I usually go to the dr before coffee), and I went mid-afternoon instead of early morning like I usually do. I’m hoping it was a fluke but I’m keeping an eye on it until my next appointment. Was there anything different about your diet/time of day/etc. that might have affected your bp this time?

    7. Yes. DH did this. exercises 3x week for about an hour. Eats well – mostly plant based. Almost zero takeout and red meat once a week max. It was a big adjustment at first but now he finds it easy. Took about 6 months on medication before he was able to trial going off. He was super motivated because his Dad died early of heart/BP issues.

    9. DASH diet books by Marla Heller, and related groups on Facebook have helped me a lot, and Hibiscus tea.
      Lower sodium, lower sugar, lower cholesterol, less fat… increase sodium, increase plants and lean protein (including dairy).

      DASH = dietary approach to stop hypertension

      Good luck.

    10. To answer your actual question, I was able to treat my high blood pressure during law school and avoid meds. I’ve always been on the higher side, but it got out of control at the start of my second year of law school. I started eating a lot healthier, cut out processed frozen meals and other things with lots of added salt, and added more exercise to my diet. I was able to get it to the lowest it had every been using these methods.

      But then I started working in biglaw, and had high blood pressure again. I’ve been on meds for a while, recently switched jobs and am making some life style changes. I’m hoping that will allow me to go off the meds.

    2. What is the focus? TBH it would probably be more of a curiosity/hate watch, but entertaining nonetheless.

      1. From what I’ve heard, it’s a nuanced look at her and issues of identity. It neither vilifies her nor celebrates her.

    3. I’m not, but a friend (gay and Hispanic, since I think minority status is relevant here) posted about it on fb last night and referred to it as “enlightening and powerful.”

      1. I probably won’t because I’m behind on other stuff that’s more compelling, but one thing I heard in reviews that made me interested was that it looked at her kids growing up and dealing with their mom being… well, her.

  12. Help me with my quest for perfect, comfy underwear.

    I’m a pear shape with a bit of a tummy, size 6 on top, 8-10 on the bottom and I am having an impossible time finding underwear that (1) does not dig into my stomach, (2) does not dig into my thighs, (3) offers full coverage, (4) stays in place all day. My most recent purchase was the Breathe Shorties from Gap – they initially seemed to fit all of my requirements except they were so soft and not-pinchy that about half-way through the day they had started to both ride up and fall down. Not good. I need help. Please tell me what you like.

    1. I absolutely love Natori Bliss, which I learned about from fellow posters. I find the french cut fits me really well.

      1. +1

        I am also pear shaped, and tried Soma vanishing edge after reading recs on this site. I have your issues, and was also interested in minimizing pantie lines. They work very well

        Buy in a few styles and sizes the next time they have a sale. Because of my pear shape and big rear, I was surprised to learn that even though I wear a 4-6 in dresses, I need a large and can even wear an XL in underwear, depending on the style/brand.

        What worked best for me were the simple bikinis/high cut. High cut at the leg is a bit more flattering for our shape, I find. Sizing up is key, and then coverage is ok. I also have some hipsters.

      2. +2

        I was having these same exact issues and the SOMA vanishing edge (high waist) was the answer! That’s all I wear now. However, I didn’t size up. In fact I wear a medium and am also 8-10.

    4. This is my body type exactly and the only underwear that TRULY stay in place are the ExOfficio mesh hipkini briefs. They’re comfortable and hit all the checkmarks you wanted, but my one issue with them is that they tend to retain odor worse than natural fibers. Still worth it though.

    7. Duluth trading company. Living in a hot, humid climate, I really like their ones that dry out readily. I can’t recall their name though.

    9. I had similar issues! I have been looking for a year and I just discovered the Warners No Pinch No Problem panties. Before that I tried all the ones from SOMA as recommended here but I didn’t like the following: 1. material is too thin on all of them. I like old school thick denim and I need my undergarments to protect my skin to some extent. 2. the high waist didn’t work for me. I guess I just don’t want anything touching my stomach. 3. the lower waist ones had hip seams that were set right over my hip muscles and left marks on my skin. The Warners are low waist, the lace waist is seamless over the hips which is huge for me, it is also lower in the front than the back nicely curving over my pear and leafing my tummy alone, the material is a nice thicker cotton with a flat absorbent gusset, and they have full coverage yet almost invisible under all but flimsiest of leggings. I did notice I had to stretch the back seam (where the gusset attaches) after washing. It stretches back out easily and goes right back to normal.

  13. This is gonna be long but I need some help. I am going to be president of my service club beginning July 1. The current president is one of my husbsnd’s oldest friends and he and his wife have been our best couple friends. He was in our wedding, etc.

    Well. He has not been a great club president. He got off to a bad start and never really recovered and it’s been hard on the friendship as well as the club. I tried to gently help him with a personnel matter and he took offense and… it’s been hard.

    The by-laws say I have to submit my budget to the board before my term. I am planning on doing that at the May meeting. Pres and I had lunch, at his request, last week to discuss transition related issues and the only discussion of the budget was “are you on track for May meeting?” “Yes.” “Good.”

    Yesterday, while I am on vacation, he emails the executive committee calling a meeting to review my budget and commanding me to produce it three days before said meeting, which is five days after I return from vacation and a week before I need to present it to the board.

    I pushed back, saying “so sorry can’t make the Mtg but will circulate budget well in advance of board mtg.” He He pushed back harder, saying it’s the Exec Commuttee’s job to review budget and recommend approval to board, which has not been myvexoeruence and is not in the by-laws. I left it at “I’m on vacation let’s talk when I get back.”

    I feel blindsided and disrespected and feel like I have no good options. I don’t want to go to war with him over this but I hate like heck to let him get away with this weird power play. And if at all possible i’d Like to salvage the friendship. Ugh! What should I do? Back down or fight? (He is somebody who doubles down when challenged so it is unlikely he will back down.)

    One last thing: I try to assume good intentions but even my kind and lovely husband says he foesn’t see the good intentions here. Unless “i’m insecure and want to end my year with a show of dominance” is a good intention?

    Sorry for the novel but would love any thoughts on how to deal with this.

    1. Do not to go to war. Continue saying you will provide the budget for review per the bylaws and don’t get into a back and forth about it. Don’t check or respond to email on vacation on this topic. He’s going to do what he’s going to do and that reflects more on him than it does on you. Presumably you were elected because people trust you and think you will do an excellent job. Staying cool and calm about this and not lowering yourself to his level honors their votes.

      1. Yeah this is really all you can do. Stick to the plan and don’t engage further. He’s the one making it awkward not you.

        You are on vacation. People respect vacations (ok maybe not him but literally everyone else on that email chain will). “I plan to send the budget to the entire board by [DATE] per the bylaws. I understand that you now would like the proposed budget earlier than the date provided in the bylaws, but, at this late date, I will not be able to accommodate your request due to summer vacation schedules. If the exec committee would like to meet in advance of the full board meeting, then let’s get together 30 minutes before the scheduled full meeting.”

        Or, since you already said you’re on vacation, ignore him. People just… don’t do stuff all the time. It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around as an overachiever but yeah dropping the ball is totally a thing. You have this internet stranger’s permission to drop this particular ball.

      2. This is great advice. He’s stirring the pot. Don’t let him. Keep your cool and stick to your plan.

    2. I am stuck in moderation but the friendship is likely not ever going to get back to where it was. Also, that sounds like it’s almost entirely on him (not sure how I weigh in on the gentle help). He has to get over himself in order for the friendship to be salvaged IMO. Be the bigger and better person, continue with your duties, and let others judge him for his actions.

    3. It sounds awkward, but they can’t review a budget you have not provided, so probably just stick to your plan and circulate it on the schedule you had planned. You’ve been in the club a long time, so I’m sure you know how things are usually done. Sorry he’s making it weird, though.

      1. So much this. I would feel deeply offended if I agreed on a plan informally with someone and he or she did something like this, and further, if that person tried to act like my superior. I have worked with and sat on numerous nonprofit Boards and this is really beyond the pale. You are not required, except as minimally dictated by the organization’s bylaws/charter, do do anything in the way that was previously done. Sometimes customs evolve because they are helpful and sometimes they evolve by habit. But customs are not requirements.

        I also don’t believe that you and outgoing pres should talk about this when you get back. I believe you should proceed with your plan to present it to the Board, in advance. When you get back, I would send an email to the ExComm group saying that due to work constraints, your budget will not be ready by their ExComm meeting and you will provide it with ample notice in time for the Board meeting.

        This is not his fish to fry. Do not let him make it his fish to fry.

        I agree with others that you can only proceed professionally and cordially and if he chooses to flounce around ordering you around, he will only look like a petty fool.

        Good luck–I am sure this is very emotionally trying. Do not let it cloud your holiday further! Let it roll off you!

    4. A couple of thoughts – as for the budget, I’d stick to the original timeline. If there’s a meeting he called, and you haven’t done it, what’s the harm other than his ire? It’s a volunteer org, so I wouldn’t cave to fake pressure. As to the whole situation, since you’re also friends with his wife, can you work through her a bit? Could it be something else going on that’s not personal to you, but his reaction to no longer being president and it wouldn’t matter who came next? You might get some insight and help getting him to back off.

      1. I agree with the first part of this comment. But yikes I really really would not go to someone’s spouse about an issue I’m having with them. No good can come of it. The spouse is likely going to take his side and tell you to do what he wants. Even if she doesn’t, she’s going to tell him that you approached her about the situation, and he’s going to (rightfully) be irked which will make the situation even worse.

        1. Yea, I should have said proceed with caution, but I was keying in on the part that she’s also friends with the wife – definitely a know your relationship kind of move & also a tread lightly situation.

    5. He’s making it about him and his control of power until handoff… weird power play is right, but in a month he won’t be president. Stick to your timeline which is within bylaw- which sounds like you have done graciously and respectfully.

      Odd this timing though! I have a feeling that this will not be the last time you hear from him and he might try and make the transition as hard as possible for you.. so get ready he might turn into a squeaky wheel.

      I am sure the Board has seen it all but a good offensive game w Board might be needed here.

    6. If you are confident that the Exec Comm has not previously reviewed budgets, I would push back gently. He’s called the EC meeting and will be looking to save face vs cancelling the meeting. Can you email him to let him know that you won’t have an opportunity to provide a detailed budget prior to EC meeting but the broad strokes are – list a couple major changes (or note lack of major changes) that you plan on making and note you look forward to providing the full details at the board meeting. Tone is polite, upbeat, friendly but firm.

      He may be aware that he did not do a great job and is probably trying to save face a bit through the transition period. Allowing him to do that while still putting your own stamp on the position will be a challenge.

    7. Oh, my husband was a huge Rotary member for years, the politics were unbelievable

      Everyone knows what he is like, guaranteed. They are probably very happy to have new (and common sense) blood

      Stick to your guns and your original plan. I have read your comments for years and always admired your practical and good intentions attitude

  14. I’m a 3rd year associate in an very heavily female (90%) department of a Biglaw firm. The queen bee syndrome is real – the female partners are very critical and harsh, especially towards new associates, who are often on the end of passive-aggressiveness. and general nastiness from the partners, even towards the most harmless of mistakes. It also gets so, so, personal sometimes.

    Any advice on how to deal with this? Thanks!

    1. A large percentage of Big Law partners are jerks, because it takes a certain personality to make it to the top in many Big Law firms. Many partners believe that being very harsh towards new associates is the best way to help them learn. Don’t make this about men vs women, that’s so sexist.

      1. +1

        Your firm culture allows partners to be nasty, or worse, requires them to be nasty to succeed. I’ll just add the pettiest, nastiest, and most personal criticism I ever received in biglaw was from a man. He even gossiped about me! Your options are to look elsewhere, and in the meantime, don’t take it personally because it’s not. You won’t change them. That’s a fool’s errand.

        1. I worked for a (straight) male partner who was really nice but he was the biggest gossip ever! And he also loved to talk fashion. He defied all the gender stereotypes.

      2. +1. Don’t make it a gender thing. There are a lot of jerky partners out there. (actually, basically everything Anon above said).

    2. I see you work at my firm. In this department, the only fix is to job hunt and go somewhere else. This group is so nasty that no one will take their refugees.

    3. …this isn’t specific to women. It’s a common biglaw issue – a powerful partner that is awful will set the tone for the rest of the group. Only the awful survive, so decent people leave and eventually, everyone’s awful. Unfortunately, I’ve never figure out a fix other than moving groups or moving firms.

      1. +1 not a female issue. My firm has a group or two like this– toxic partner who promotes people with the same toxic personality. But nobody calls these groups a sexist name… because they are all led by men.

    4. The photo posted with this question is a dude – looks like a troll making up women issues

      1. Clearly going against the grain here, but when IS it a gender issue? I experienced something similar where senior associates told me ridiculous things when I started out–always wear heels, even when going to the bathroom; even if you pulled an all-nighter, you need to wear a full face of makeup; cardigans are for “nice girls–if you want to be taken seriously you always need to wear a blazer; always smile, especially when walking the halls. I don’t think it started out as mean, but rather as “this is what I did to be successful and you should follow my example.” And then when I didn’t follow one of these “rules” (by continuing to wear flats on bathroom runs) they gossiped that I think I know better than everyone else and am not receptive to feedback.

        I’ve never gotten advice like that from male coworkers and I’ve never seen my male associates at my level receive unsolicited “professional” advice about their appearance.

        1. There is a lot of research about this kind of behavior among populations that aren’t well represented in whatever environment it is. It could be more a function of that than it is about women specifically.

        2. In some cases, I think the women are voicing things the men are not going to tell you, but the expectations aren’t actually different.

          1. This. They are cluing you into the expectations. Those expectations may be cray cray but that’s how certain environments are sometimes.

      2. Huh, didn’t even realize I had gravatar blocked. If you search his image you can find him around the web… lol.

  15. Any recommendations on where to buy excess liability insurance in this situation?

    I just inherited a house in Virginia that is held in a trust. I am sole trustee and plan on selling the house soon. As trustee, I was added to the decedent’s homeowner’s policy.

    Decedent’s umbrella policy won’t cover me as trustee and my personal umbrella policy won’t cover me as trustee.

    House is vacant and in poor shape and won’t meet typical underwriting standards for a new homeowner’s policy. I’d really like to have more liability coverage than what the homeowner’s policy provides, but I’ve struck out with three insurance firms (mine, decedent’s, a third).

    1. Have you asked about a fire (landlord) policy instead of a homeowners policy? That’s one place to start — it doesn’t cover belongings, just the structure itself. Whoever issues you a fire policy should be able to issue an umbrella as well.

      1. fire policies don’t usually provide third party liability coverage by default. OP – if you go this route make sure you’re on the same page with the insurer, you’d want a landlord’s liability policy if you’re renting out the property

    2. Are you looking for coverage for yourself in your capacity as the trustee or for liability arising out of the property? If it is the former, you’re looking for an E&O policy – you can get them from any professional liability carrier. If you’re looking for coverage arising out of the property, that may be more difficult, though I’d pay attention to your state’s laws as to if a trustee can be held liable for losses arising out of the property or if that would stay with the estate.

      1. Thank you! This is exactly the reframing I need. I’m primarily concerned about liability arising out of the trust property. However, my reading of local law is that I can only be held personally liable for trust property if the problem arises out of my own errors and omissions as trustee. Therefore, E&O should get me the peace of mind I want that my personal assets are protected from liability arising out of trust property. I’m off to find an E&O policy!

    3. Are you indemnified under the trust documents? If so, at least you have the value of the house to cover any suits against you directly.

    4. Thank you, all! I’m so glad to have the community to come to discuss such a wide variety of topics and concerns!

  16. I’m at the stage in life where many of my friends are moving out to the suburbs (even without kids!) and suddenly seeing way less of them. It’s disheartening, but I guess that’s just the life they want. (My in-town friends with kids I still see all the time!) What do other town-life social butterflies do when their friends turn into suburban hermit crabs? I don’t want to write off these friends, but I’m always the one who sends the invitations, and I’m getting tired of the constant no. How do I tell them that I’m happy to see them less and at their convenience, but the ball’s in their court for asking me?

    1. What is your pattern of invites? Are you inviting them afterwork during the week after they had an hour drive home and are exhausted? Are you only asking them to come to you in the city? Are you only extending invitations without significant others?

      These could all be contributing reasons as to why they are hard to see. Could you meet them in the middle location-wise or time wise? Or occasionally meet them on their side of town (not always, some effort has to be put in from the friend)?

      1. Past couple of invites: cocktails after work, Sunday night dinner, Saturday afternoon kayaking, Friday lunch.

        1. Ugh I would love to go hiking but the weather in my city is not cooperating. I live in a city and I’m single but I would 1000% have accepted that invitation.

        2. Ugh I would love to go kayaking but the weather in my city is not cooperating. I live in a city and I’m single but I would 1000% have accepted that invitation.

    2. Maybe instead of calling them “hermit crabs,” you could ask them for ideas for social meet-ups that work for both of you? Moving to the suburbs doesn’t mean that people literally stop doing social things. It means that they are probably not available for random late drinks in the city after work.

    3. I hear you. My solution is to go out to lunch more. I think this is a hard stage of life and most of my socializing is now done during the day. You can also continue to extend invitations to things that are low key – e.g., you’re having people over anyway so it’s easy to invite a friend who may or may not come.

      1. That’s what I’m doing tonight, actually, (have people over for a drink after work at my house, whoever shows up shows up), but it’s sad because I have news to share with them in person and I’ve been trying to find a time to meet up for the past month, and no dice.

        1. You gotta work with your reality. Tuesday night drinks? Not happening. If you want to keep the friendships tell them your news on the phone! Offer to meet them at a park local to them.

        2. Oh man, if I waited to tell people things in person, I would never tell anyone anything. My friends and I have busy lives. We stay in touch mostly through text messages. I was fortunate enough to get 80% of my friends to my house this past weekend for a dinner/game night, but I had to plan a month and a half in advance so that people could get babysitters, etc. That is just how life is for us now! As the single, childless one, I understand that at this stage, I will be going to my friends more than they are coming to me. I am okay with it because I value the friendships enough to want to go to them in the suburbs vs. never seeing them.

    4. For the ones with kids, suggest something that makes life easy for them. I see my recent mom friend way more now that I started suggesting I bring over thai take out after kiddo’s bedtime and watch trashy tv with her.

      1. must suggest this to my non-kid friends! take out+ trashy tv + friend sounds awesome.

    5. This is becoming my life and I am single so I empathize. My friends aren’t really interested in doing things without their partners or kids. It sucks. So, I stick closely to the 2 single friends I have left and do lots of fun things with them because I’m not waiting around for the smug marrieds to decide they have free time to spend with me.

      1. Your friends would probably love to do something without partner or kids, but are totally exhausted and haven’t slept a full night, worked out, gone to the bathroom without an audience, or eaten a meal uninterrupted since their kids were born. They are struggling just to get through each day without collapsing.

        2. This. My youngest is 3 and I can now pee alone, eat hot food and sleep through the night about 5/7 days. Lunchtime meet ups work best for sure. The baby and young toddler years are tough.

        3. Yep. This is me right now. I would love to do all of these things…but I’d also love to take a shower every day or read for 20 min. Not happening these days. And I don’t share this with my “clueless singles” (hey, maybe don’t call us all smug marrieds?) because it’ll sound patronizing, but I just don’t have the time that you do.

          1. I don’t have kid but my friends do and this is what I suggest. See if you can join them for things they plan to do already like take come coffee/snacks to the park while he/she is going to there with the kids, join for a zoo day trip or some other activity. Time to time I also host friends at my house and have made sure the house is kid friendly. I also keep some toys around so the kids have activities.

            I think the important thing is not to take their lack of availability personally. Actually be their friend and work around their constraints.

          2. Agreeing with Anon at 12:05, adjust for your friends with young kids. It can seem/actually is fairly one-sided because you are going out of your way to accommodate them, and they may not be able to reciprocate in the near term.

            When my best friend had a kid well before I did, I just started tagging along for their weekends. So playgrounds, and family dinner time, then drinks and catching up after kiddo went to bed.

          3. I think that a parent-friend dealing with young kids can seem uncompromising, which can read as selfish (and maybe even smug?), in friendships. Like, for a while when I said we couldn’t meet you for brunch on Saturday I sort of really truly meant it. Look, of course I *could*, I wasn’t locked in a basement, but the hour of fun would be paid for with six, eight?, hours of a miserable baby because I effed up her nap schedule to hang out with you, and in that moment it just became too big a sacrifice to make. (NB that I am not regular-me in this instance, I’m sleep-deprived, curt-with-my-partner, crying-too-much me who doesn’t have a lot of emotional elasticity left.)

            I try to go out of my way to accommodate my friends now that I can again — now that my hormones are +/- stable and my body is only being used for keeping me alive. #OneAndDone

          4. Not sure how this message got confused, but my friends who have disappeared don’t have kids. Actually, my friends with kids make more of an effort to hang out.

    6. You invite yourself over on a Sunday morning and you bring the coffee and bagels or fruit salad.

      Families in the suburbs? You go to the them. That’s life.

    7. I’m single and live in the burbs because it’s what I can afford. I get frustrated that my city-based friends always expect me to come to them but they never want to even meet me halfway. If it requires getting in their car (they all have cars) they’re not going to do it. Like, I will meet you immediately after work for happy hour. But no I’m not driving home then coming back into the city for dinner/after dinner drinks. If you want to get together at 8 pm on a weeknight then you need to put in more effort than walking a block from your house… just like you expect me to do.

    8. Oh gosh. I would rather live in a one bedroom condo in town with my husband child and dog (and pay private school tuition) than move out to the suburbs. Suburbs totally suck!!! IME, this “value” divide changes people over the years. I wouldn’t worry about keeping suburban friends and would gladly make new friends who live in town. We are a different breed. That’s ok with me.

      1. Lol this can’t be real. If your friendships are so superficial that you’d write them off because they moved 20 minutes away, I’d say they’re lucky to find that out sooner rather than later.

        1. LOL @ 20 minutes.

          I have friends who live 1.5 miles from me as the crow flies and it can take me 20 minutes to get to their place at a bad time for traffic in my city. You live in our ‘burbs? Very unlikely I’ll be going to drive out there (45 mins- hour?) to see you on a regular basis. I will make exceptions for friends with young kids — I do the come over and bring take out method, or else meet them at parks/museums if mom friends can’t escape for a night.

    9. We meet our “city” friends (DC suburbs here, I count Arlington in the city too) once every 2 months or so at a mid-point location (usually Arlington since one couple is downtown, we’re way out in the burbs and the other couple and kid are in Arlington) for dinner. We also text frequently. I also work in the suburbs, so that complicates the social meetups since I’m not even in the city for the workday.

    10. I’ve been dealing with this for years. I live in a city but after college many of my friends moved to the suburbs (about 90 minutes out) instead of the city. Even pre-kids, I just changed my expectations.

      I invite myself out to their area about once every six to eight weeks. I find something I want to do, plan the whole thing, and invite them (visit a brewery that opened near them; hike in a state park, dinner at a restaurant in town, etc.). Alternatively I just say “I’d like to visit – here are weekends I’m free” and they choose one.

      A lot of my friends moved to the suburbs specifically because they wanted a more low key lifestyle and they are not planners – they prefer to relax and go with the flow so they don’t plan far enough in advance to visit me/invite me out unless prompted. I just own my role as a planner and don’t get offended that they don’t reciprocate with visiting me as often/inviting me as often.

      1. I think this is good advice – invite yourself over. Say, “I’d love to come visit and see you. What weekends do you have free?” I do this with friends who live in the suburbs.

        Also, when I lived outside of the city but worked in the city, having to go back to the city on a weekend was burdensome because it was basically my commute. And I would never have wanted to go to someone’s house on a weeknight that was in the opposite direction of my train, prolonging my commute, and getting home even later! (Sorry). So, I have sympathy for your friends!

    11. Hopefully I’m not too late — after living in the burbs for 2 years, I have realized that my house is such a huge part of my life, in a way that my city apartment never was. I love my house. I put so much time and energy into creating a welcoming home. It would mean the world for my city friends to come hang out with me in my house. Not sure if you’ve already tried this angle, but perhaps, “I’d love to see how you’re settling into your new home! Can I bring a bottle of wine over for us to enjoy together sometime?”

      1. I’ll have to try that. I put a lot of time and energy into making my city home welcoming as well, so I can see how a house would just become the center of everything if you didn’t have other places to go.

        1. She didn’t say anything about not having other places to go? You know suburbs have good restaurants and bars too, right? Some might even be within walking distance or a short uber from your friend’s house! The last suburb I lived in had a 5 diamond restaurant like 15 minutes away. The burbs aren’t just a wasteland of Applebee’s and Olive Garden.

          1. You know she probably just meant that it was more difficult/time consuming to get places v. city living, right? She didn’t imply that people who live in suburbs are house bound or else subject to an endless deluge of all you can eat pasta bowls. I live very much in town. You can leave my apartment and hit the first bar within 100 feet, and then turn the corner to a full street of shops and bars and restaurants, parks, and a fancy walking trail, which will take you to 50 restaurants and shopping and all sorts of cool stuff and fantastic restaurants in a half-mile walk in either direction. It’s so much easier to get out of the house when other places are so close (especially those are public spaces you don’t have to pay to be in), v. getting in the car and driving 15 mins to one destination you have to pay to be in, then piling in again and going somewhere else. It’s just more of an ordeal in the suburbs. My apt is not a huge part of my life in part because there’s so many other places it’s easy for me to spend my time. That’s prob what anonymous at 2:30 was referring to.

            And geeze, does everyone have to be so darn contrarian here? Or do we all need to write mile-long posts (like mine!) that cover every conceivable angle and thoroughly explain our position so that it cannot possibly be misconstrued (intentionally or otherwise).

  17. Oh my. After two plus years of no sodas (no diet ones either), cheese only once a week, no ice cream, my triglycerides are still high. Anyone have some ides? I’m already on HRT, meds for blood pressure, and meds for hypothyroidism… and have to take honking big eye vitamins …. feeling my age (60) and stuck. TIA!

    1. How much do you exercise? That’s an important component as well. What is your salt and red meat intake like?

    2. My doc tells me triglycerides are all stress and carbs. No juice, little fruit, little pasta, etc. But some of this is just genetic…you may have no choice but to medicate. I feel your pain!

    3. Sugar intake (including “hidden” sugar, even if you’re not routinely eating candy bars etc) can affect triglyceride levels.

    4. Agree that carb control is often more helpful than fat control.

      Also… you are 60. If that’s all the medical issues you have, you are amazing!

      Don’t be so hard on yourself.

      However, if you are otherwise eating ok and getting some mild exercise regularly, chances are high that your age/genetics is catching up with you. You can’t fight genetics a lot of the time.

      And how high is high? Is your doctor worried and telling you that you need to start a medication? Or are you “treating the numbers” and nervous about something that is not actually a big deal?

      1. OP here Aw thanks! I feel I’ve aged 20 years in the last six to eighteen months. Mainly due to vision problems … anyway, it’s in the “high” range and I want to prevent or deter it from going higher so I can avoid medications. I have to get back to the gym, it’s been hard to do with stress from hurricane recovery and our repairs (doing them ourselves) just now starting. I don’t eat much salt and we are more often than not, People of the Pork (aka the other white meat) than red meat.

    5. Are you eating a diet with lots of vegetables, whole fruits, true whole grains, lean proteins, fish, etc? You want a lot of fiber to lower triglycerides. Also, if we are honest with ourselves (including myself in this), almost nobody eats enough vegetables.

  18. How do you get it all done? By “all” I mean:

    cooking or eating healthy-ish meals
    working out
    time with SO
    time with kids
    personal grooming
    work
    personal admin (bills, mail, gifts, cards, etc)
    cleaning your place
    time for things you care about that aren’t any of those things

    I have a friend who somehow always looks impeccably put-together, has an immaculate house, entertains regularly, works, and just never has a hair out of place. I don’t get it. I don’t even have kids and I cannot manage all of that. I asked her how she does it and I think a big part of it is an extremely supportive partner who truly does half his share of the household stuff. But still!

    Like if I focus on fitness and work, I don’t want to spend time on my hair. It takes 30 min of styling to make my hair look decent, but if I do that, I don’t feel like cooking. And so on.

    Maybe the answer is to just have bad hair or get used to going without makeup….

    1. Batch cook on the weekends. Take care of personal admin during your lunch hour. Get a haircut that works with your natural texture so you don’t have to blow-dry. Prioritize sleep and working out so you have energy for the other stuff. Hire a nanny and a house cleaning service.

      1. +1 to everything you said. Short hair/minimal makeup, prioritize sleep. Everything else will work itself out. Put a couple hundred bucks aside each year for late fees because sometimes I just didn’t remember to pay daycare on time or forgot to check new TV service bill before the autopay kicked in. C’est la vie, move on, forgive yourself.

    2. My friends think this is me. I’m as much of a mess as anyone and I think the root of this is that we all see the worst of ourselves in these regards and the best of others. So as long as someone isn’t truly a hot mess, I think we’re likely to think of them this way.

      also ruthless prioritization.

    3. A partner that truly shares half the burden, meticulous lists and systems, and streamlining of ordinary items (i.e. a haircut that just works, minimal but foolproof makeup), and letting go things that just don’t matter. I know people that re like this and they even get full night’s sleep because they have streamlined their lives to decrease the mental and physical clutter.

    4. Full disclosure: I am mostly single (have a very “friend” who I see once week for a date/overnight when he is in town) and no kids.

      I don’t.

      Cleaning is one of the first things to go because I don’t like doing it and I can keep my place tidy without having to do a full blown cleaning session. I have people over very infrequently and, when I do, I only clean clean (vs. tidy) the first floor. I am about to outsource cleaning though.

      I don’t wash my hair every day unless it’s summer and I definitely do not blowdry it out every day. Some days it gets pulled back in a low bun and that’s the end of it. I have gotten my make up down to a 5 minute application and I wear a lot of things that don’t require much other than a quick steam in the am.

      The rest of my time is dedicated to the following: riding my horse, running/working out, reading, hanging with my dog/cats. I don’t see my friends a ton these days because #life and #kids but we correspond via text regularly, so it’s fine for now.

      I purposefully live within 15 minutes of my office, my gym is a mile away from my house and I often run/bike there (we also have a gym at work), and I otherwise am a homebody.

      I pay my bills online at work on payday. I hardly get any mail because I do everything electronically and I don’t really buy gifts because everyone already has stuff (except I do buy kids gifts).

    5. My guess is lots of outsourcing. My wealthy friends who seem to have it all together don’t clean their own houses.

      1. +1

        Money
        Outsourcing
        Husbands that truly do their share
        Kids that are more independent
        Not needing a lot of sleep. Some people are genetically blessed.
        Good organizational skills + extrovert personality

        With regard to appearance, the importance of genetics should never be underestimated. My beautiful friends with perfect skin and good hair have no idea ….

        And nothing is as it seems. You should know that by now.

        1. I don’t outsource despite having the money. And I’m an introvert.

          But DH does do his share. It’s been an uphill battle over many years but I have been clear in my expectations and also willing to accept that he does things differently.

          I have also put the kids in charge of their rooms/homework/activity preparedness.

          I think equally sharing the work across family members makes the biggest difference.

        2. +1
          Also, I genuinely enjoy beauty and fashion and working out. So those are my break from my crazy work/ family life, not another to do on my list.

    6. I don’t and I don’t know anyone who does? I work hard at a job with reasonable hours and outside of that I prioritize time with my spouse and kid. I pay bills and do other admin tasks during downtime at work except for taxes which I do on one weekend in late January every year. Husband does most of the cooking. We have a cleaning service. I mow the lawn when it gets really overgrown but we don’t do any other yard work. I shower and brush my teeth and other normal hygiene stuff but I don’t blow dry my hair or wear makeup beyond sunscreen, which I normally apply in the car. I only get a pedicure a couple times a year. I don’t work out much other than doing active stuff with my family (walks, hikes, bike rides, swimming). My main hobbies are reading and baking. I do a lot of the former after my kid is in bed and a lot of the latter on weekends with my kiddo.
      I think my life is great but my house and yard and physical appearance are definitely not perfect.

    7. This is how I have been told I appear. In truth, I feel like I’m always tired (due to chronic illness) and often taking the lazy way out. Here are some things that help me keep a full time in-house job, 3 kids, a dog and house running in a way that seems to be good enough.

      1. The house is organized. I purge as a I come across things that are not useful and do not wait for a “big clean day” that will never come. Everything has a home so it is easy to put things away, including clutter – I have a designated space for clutter – one junk drawer in the kitchen to sweep all the kindergartener’s special bits and pieces and I MUST NOT THROW IN THE TRASH EVER. Know yourself. Just designating a spot to throw everything is you can’t actually put stuff away is an improvement but ideally just put stuff back into its home after use.

      2. I read once that you should only touch each piece of mail once or something. I immediately toss all junk mail, put bills (I still like paper bills) in pile on desk to be paid in a batch and file stuff I need to keep (insurance statements or whatever). I read almost everything on my tablet so I don’t have piles of magazines and papers.

      3. I do a big Costco/TJs/grocery run once a week and stock up on essentials (bread, milk, eggs, bagels, yogurt, fruit, veggies) that my locust-like children consume in massive quantities. I was and package fruits and veggies for easy lunch packing; I have a snack section of lunch appropriate items/snacks in fridge and pantry.

      4. I have a rotation of simple, healthy meals. I don’t really batch cook, though, because I don’t like eating the same thing and also we just eat SO MUCH in one sitting. I do cook enough at dinner for lunches me and the older one the next day.

      5. I do what I can over lunch at work. Gym, hair cut, etc.

      6. I buy almost everything non-grocery on amazon.

      7. My children are required to clean their own rooms and bathrooms, help out a bit with basic chores (take out trash, unload dishwasher, never put an unrinsed/food covered dish in the sink, put away their laundry, etc) as well as make their own breakfasts and lunches. Even the kindergartener manages this with the help of Item 3 above.

      8. Everyone has enough everything to get through the week without doing wash. If DH/I get around to doing laundry during the week – great! If not, it’s fine.

      9. Each kid’s activity has a bag and a spot in the coat closet. Homework gets done and put back in school bag. Swim stuff lives in the swim bag, etc. Items that need to be washed must be put in the laundry by the child and then returned to the bag after washing. When it’s time to go to an activity, grab the bag an go.

      10. We keep an online shared family calendar.

      11. Older ones pitch in with younger ones – the kindergartener recently offered to make everyone toast :)

      12. I am super efficient at work and also lean out. I don’t voluntarily undertake extra work that is geared towards putting me on the promotion track. I am really experienced in what I do so I’m super efficient. I also fit work into the evenings or weekends as needed and fit life into work during the week as needed.

      13. I buy kids clothes and shoes on sale in bigger sizes/for the next season so we never have that moment where nothing fits or it’s a heatwave an no one has any shorts.

      14. Any activity that can be done at home instead of driving somewhere is done at home (music lessons, tutoring)

      15. I have two sets of sheets for each bed just in case but I try to wash then put the same set back on bc it skips the folding step. I store complete sets for each bed inside one pillowcase for the set so we don’t have to search for missing sheets. I only use a fitted sheet and a duvet cover on the duvet (no flat sheet) so we have less laundry and making the bed is easier.

      16. Dog food and supplies are on auto-delivery from amazon with one extra stored in pantry in case of amazon failure (lesson learned the hard way)

      17. Someone runs the Roomba somewhere most days to capture any pet hair. The kitchen counters get wiped down daily. We have hard wood so Roomba is mostly good enough except in high traffic areas. Every floor gets steam mopped once a month; bathrooms get steam mopped with Swiffer boost once a week and scrubbed by hand as needed. I try to tackle bigger tasks as a I see them (cleaning out fridge, dusting baseboards, using magic eraser to clean handprints off doors and door jambs) but it does feel a bit never ending so I don’t worry too much. Also, I encourage kids to think about not making work for others and to clean up after themselves/each other.

      It feels like mayhem to me but everyone is generally on time and properly fed, attired and rested. The house is always reasonably tidy so I don’t worry about tutors coming or unexpected guests. We mostly avoid unexpected store emergency trips for food or clothes or cleaning supplies

      We did have a cleaning service and household manager for a long time and it felt a lot easier then. But when our long term helper had to quit I found out that we really enjoyed using the extra money on vacations and that my children were learning valuable self-sufficiency skills. It isn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be and in some ways I think it’s actually better (more vacations, kids learning to take care of stuff).

      1. You sound awesome, can I ask what your simple meals are? I am not a batch cooker either and need easy ideas!

        1. Thanks :)

          I mostly rotate through variations of these meals each week:

          – Korean bbq (I throw the meat and marinade in the freezer in big batches then pull out to defrost during the day; I steam broccoli (you can serve with bottled gochujang sauce for some spice) and make a double batch of rice in the rice cooker. The next day (or also at dinner when I have vegetarian house guests) I make bibimbap with extra rice and leftover bbq and some stir fried veggies (no meat for vegetarians)

          – Tex Mex (make your own tacos with ground turkey seasoned with a supermarket pouch; chicken enchiladas with a pouch of supermarket sauce; sweet potato and black bean burritos on whole wheat tortillas; make your own quesadillas)

          – Italian (spaghetti ; some type of ravioli from TJs; pappardelle with pesto sauce; pressed sandwich of ciabatta (I keep take and bake in the freezer) with grilled eggplant, fresh mozzarella and tomato sauce; veggie lasagna along with a roasted veggie and salad plus garlic bread I keep on hand in freezer)

          – salmon marinated in a bit of maple syrup and a splash of apple cider vinegar while pre-heating oven then roasting veggies, potatoes and salmon on sheet pan (items that take longer to cook go in first, then add other items that cook for shorter times)

          – chicken cutlets with a roasted veggie

          – thai curry (I use red or yellow thai curry paste plus coconut milk and sometimes crushed garlic or ginger paste in a tube from TJs) with some combo of veggies (butternut squash, carrots, cauliflower, broccoli, zucchini, potatoes) and sometimes chicken if no vegetarians are visiting with rice from rice cooker

          – on lazy nights everyone can make their own toast (I only buy whole grain) or have grilled cheese and tomato soup (I keep boxed soup from TJs on hand)

          Good luck!

      3. @ Anon for this:

        We are twins :) I do virtually every one of these. We also want to do some renovations so we are doing without a cleaner and I am making it work. The meals are shockingly similar too. I do:
        – pounded chicken marinated in lemon and greek herbs;
        – meatloaf with mashed potatoes;
        – meatballs;
        – pork loins chopped into pork chops, pork roasts (done in the oven) and pork pieces for the BBQ (I often have all of these in the freezer and take them out the night before);
        – I also don’t batch cook per se but usually spend two hours on Sunday prepping for the week. I do a large curry, pre-make a meatloaf or hamburgers, marinate chicken, make beans and rice and pulled chicken or pork for weekday lunches, make a batch of boiled eggs and my husband makes a few loaves of bread and some yoghurt.

        I meal plan after shopping on the weekend and post the plan in a transparent holder on the door in the in butler’s pantry. I assign our Au Pair a minor tidying up task per day and one meal prep task, the meal prep task is written in its own column on the week’s menu, any prep I have to do like take meat out of the freezer is also posted in its own column. I.e. he will sweep all the living areas and chop some cauliflower for me OR doe the kids laundry and make some rice in the Instant Pot.

    8. With the caveat that I don’t think I have it all together, at all:
      – we budget for house cleaners every other week
      – we get groceries delivered every weekend
      – we live in a condo and don’t have cars, which saves time on maintenance
      – my husband does all grocery shopping, meal planning, and cooks dinner every night
      – I book all appointments that I can online – waxing, hair, exercise classes
      – dry cleaning is picked up and delivered to our condo building

    9. Here’s how I attempt to do things — just sharing because I think it’s healthy for us to talk about the realities, rather than just what we hope other people see:

      cooking/eating: my husband stays at home and runs this. i say “thank you” after every meal, even if I don’t really like it. i’ve given up on having much say about what we eat, in exchange for not having to think about it.

      working out: I walk almost every night after kid is in bed, listening to podcasts. This is, however, the first thing to go when there are any other demands on my time.

      time with SO: uh one weekend night we have an ‘at home’ date where we drink good beer and play a board game or watch a TV show. it’s one of my goals for 2018 to work on this… and this is a good reminder that I need a reboot.

      time with kids: she’s three so when she’s awake and I’m not at work, I don’t get to *not* spend time with her.

      personal grooming: i bathe most nights? i sleep with wet hair and hit it with a straightener or really whatever hot tool I grab first in the morning. my brows are in quite a state, and i want a pedicure very badly but am not sure when that will happen.

      work: i’m really lucky that when I don’t travel it’s 8-5, Monday-Friday. if i need to work after 5pm I do it after kiddo is in bed, and exercise gets the boot.

      personal admin (bills, mail, gifts, cards, etc): I sneak time at my desk. I use PunkPost for cards and Amazon for gifts.

      cleaning your place: glorious husband + I don’t have particularly high standards. I do my own laundry on the weekends.

      time for things you care about that aren’t any of those things: I have a standing event that I go to on Thursdays when I’m in town and don’t have therapy, so I get some social stuff in with that most weeks. We often do one meal out (me + husband + kid) on the weekends, early (like 4:40 pm), so we get to eat some good food, or hang at a brewery with a food truck. I usually text friends to invite them to join us (one day they’ll say yes!). I have been trying to do more “come by some time on Saturday afternoon, we’ll be [blowing bubbles/swimming/playing with chalk/riding trikes]” type invitations with neighbors. I also try to include Kiddo in things I like to do, like, “let’s go to Starbucks together and then go to Michaels and pick a craft together” and she does an age appropriate version of what I want to do. I read on airplanes and at hotel bars.

      2. Would love to hear more about including the kid in things you like to do. My kid is almost 2—is it even possible at this age for us to do things that I might enjoy doing?

        1. We started taking our 2yo to the rock climbing wall. We use auto-belay and take turns. She tries to climb. It’s super fun (even if a little stressful trying to keep her away from people descending) and we get our workout in.

    10. Cooking and exercise are hobbies, my hair is straight and requires no effort, makeup takes 5 minutes, my bills are on auto-pay, I have no children, I have no commute, my spouse and I cook and clean together, and I don’t really watch much tv which is a big time waster. I’m sure if I had kids it’d be a different story.

    11. The things that have helped me the most are having routines– doing, eating, and wearing the same things over and over.

      – I don’t leave a regular appointment without scheduling the next two (hair, waxing, etc)
      – I run the dishwasher every night and empty it every morning.
      – I put gas in my car every Saturday morning whether or not it needs it. While it’s filling up, I clean out the car and throw any trash in the gas station trashcan.
      – I hired a cleaning person and a yard person
      – My haircut works with my natural hair texture so I only have to put in minimal effort (5-ish minutes of blowdrying every other day). I found that with my particular hair texture having long hair is actually less work than having short hair. I don’t color it.
      – I wear the same makeup every day (except lipstick color)
      – I wear a lot of dresses.
      – I have the same pair of pants in 5 colors, the same skirt in 4 colors, and the same cardigan in 5 colors.
      – I eat the same thing for breakfast every day (fruit and yogurt smoothie, hard boiled egg, coffee)
      – We live 3.5 miles away from kiddo’s daycare and 5 miles away from my office, so I spend a very minimal amount of time commuting.

      1. the dishwasher every night…. I read that tip on here (maybe from you??) and started it and it’s made SUCH a difference. I’m single and don’t go through that many dishes, and I didn’t want to waste water, but whatever, sorry not sorry. No more waiting for it to get full but saying “oh I would cook but I can’t because the pan is dirty and I can’t bring myself to wash dishes AND cook so I better stop by the store and pick something up.” If at the end of a heinous work day you only have bandwidth for one task, admit it and work around it!

    12. cooking or eating healthy-ish meals – Blue Apron and a spouse that is willing to do 50%. Also, make all snacks and breakfasts on Sunday.
      working out – Over lunch and after kid goes to bed. Also being happy with 3 days per week.
      time with SO – Sneak in 20 minutes in the evening and regular dates every couple weeks.
      time with kids – I have an 8-5 jobs so I get 90 minutes in the evening and weekends and I’m good with that. Also, we moved by my work so I have a short commute.
      personal grooming – Hair appts. every 5 weeks, dry shampoo, and a short (5 min) makeup routine.
      personal admin (bills, mail, gifts, cards, etc) – I do this over lunch breaks
      cleaning your place – Cleaning service
      time for things you care about that aren’t any of those things – I volunteer on the weekends, have a monthly book club, and also make sure to do at least one friend thing each month (my husband has the kid during these). My husband is also involved in volunteering, so sometimes we will get a sitter and make this a date.

    13. I am impressed by all of the lists you have had so far. People also sometimes think this about me but it is not true. Lately I’ve started doing Blue Apron a couple of times a week so I don’t have to do as much planning and shopping.

      Something else I find helpful is doing one load of laundry a day for several days of the week, usually Weds-Sat. If I do two I don’t get it all put away but one is manageable. This also helps me stay on top of the clothes on the drying rack since I need the space. This one load a day is all that remains from my brief foray into FlyLady (well, that and the travel list).

    14. Here’s my take:

      cooking or eating healthy-ish meals – grocery delivery once a week (yay peapod!) and cook on Sunday so I can have leftovers for lunch. I like cooking, so this kind of counts like a hobby.

      working out – I don’t. I get to work later so I have to walk through the parking garage and I try to sneak in a walk with the baby 1-2x a week, usually on weekends

      time with SO – combined with family time. we don’t really do date nights, whatever, just try to connect when we can with our super cranky terrible sleeper of a 9 month old. We usually like to take the baby with us because we miss her when we don’t, so, for example, we went for joint pedicures this weekend and took the baby with us.

      time with kids – When I am home I am nursing and really can’t not be with her. And she sleeps pretty much when we do, so awake and at home pretty much equals kid time.

      personal grooming – I shower every morning. I do not blow dry my hair, I put on a 30 second smear of powder mineral foundation and I call it a day. I have natural waves and just embrace that and the sometimes frizz.

      work – BigLaw – this month is terribly, currently billing 60 hours/week, so right now this looks like 10-8pm days at the office with a few nights later and working from home 10-15 hours every weekend.

      personal admin (bills, mail, gifts, cards, etc) – I pay bills online 2x a month (I keep a spreadsheet with the due dates). Mail gets quickly leafed through for bills, otherwise I sort through once a week or so. Gifts are always ordered online. Cards rarely happen.

      cleaning your place – housekeeper 2x a month. Laundry only gets done on weekends and frequently sits in a mountain on the spare bed until husband and I have a “laundry party” and spend hours folding to dig out of the hole once a month or so, particularly when I am working all weekend. On a more normal billable hour week, I sometimes keep up with it.

      time for things you care about that aren’t any of those things. We have a baby. A very high-maintenance, demanding baby (not a chill baby like most of our friends – this child has never napped for more than 45 minutes in her entire life unless she was sick and is constantly on the move). So the answer is at this stage of our lives, we just don’t.

    15. cooking or eating healthy-ish meals: I buy a lot of premade food from Trader Joe’s and make probably 2 large meals a week that have lots of leftovers

      working out: workout classes right after work maybe twice a week and then on both weekend mornings

      time with SO: we live together and don’t have kids so this isn’t really a problem

      time with kids: no kids which makes all of this easier

      personal grooming: I make my haircut appointments way in advance and my hair requires almost no daily maintenance; I have a 5 minute makeup routine and a 2 minute skincare routine

      work: this is hard sometimes, particularly when things are busy

      personal admin (bills, mail, gifts, cards, etc): bills are automated, mail is all on e-delivery and I toss junk mail immediately, I buy gifts on Amazon, and I have calendar reminders to send cards

      cleaning your place: I hire someone to clean twice a month

      time for things you care about that aren’t any of those things: I don’t watch TV so that leaves me more free time than if I did; I like to read a lot, and I typically spend 30-60 minutes reading in bed before going to sleep so it effectively functions as time to wind down; I also like to go for walks with friends when it’s nice out or have friends over for meals so that I can combine exercise/cooking with socializing time

  19. Has anyone bought from Eshakti lately? I bought from them a few years ago when it was a young company mostly doing made to order retro style clothing, and just checked them out. I am shocked at how beautiful and fairly unique the styling is now compared to more mainstream brand (links to come). However, I have no clue as to whether or not the quality of the fabric or construction is up to par (although I understand you can’t ask for too much at their price point). Does anyone have a good idea on the clothing quality?

    1. Links to some of my faves from randomly browsing (all the dresses have pockets and no visible zippers!):

      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Banded-empire-colorblock-poplin-dress-CL0057899
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Tops/Obi-belt-cotton-knit-wrap-tunic-CL0053455
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Illusion-tulle-embellished-dupioni-dress-CL0057711
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Virginia-dress-CL0054608
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Tie-waist-empire-cotton-knit-dress-CL0055824
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Stripe-cotton-knit-sash-tie-dress-CL0057971
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Plunge-trim-dupioni-dress-CL0056735
      http://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Stripe-print-crepe-faux-wrap-dress-CL0057948

    2. I bought a dress from there for a wedding recently and I was unexpectedly thrilled for what I paid. It was one of the Georgette wrap dresses. It falls nicely, is lined and is nicer than most things I’ve picked up anywhere from Marshalls to Rack to J Crew/Banana/etc. recently.

      Cannot comment on how it will hold up to the wash, and the sizing ran small (I chose a stock size instead of custom measurements.) You may want to do some research on the ethics of the company though — not commenting on it either way, but make a choice that works for you.

      I’m planning to purchase again.

    3. My 20-something daughter bought a few casual dresses for work which are very nice and seem to be good quality, plus one lovely dressier dress that I am absolutely in love with. Both fabric and construction are pretty impressive considering the price.

    4. I wish they weren’t all so long. I guess that’s trendy now, but I feel like the lengths on almost all of them would drown me. Womp womp.

      1. They do custom lengths! One of the benefits. And only a $10 customization fee.

  20. Recommendations for a marriage counselor in Chicago or suburbs? Focus on improving communication.

  21. Has anyone been to Iceland in the summer? It’s such a quick flight from the east coast and there are super affordable fares so we decided to go. I hope we aren’t crazy!

    What should I pack? It seems like there is a lot of hiking/outdoor sightseeing, so I have that covered. Do I need nicer clothing for Reykjavic? How warm of a jacket do I need? (I have a hard time imagining what the weather is like based on the “partly sunny 45-55, occasional rain” description – wet? cold? It’s warm where we live so I am extra clueless. I was thinking of bringing my 3-in-1 Patagonia jacket but I wondered if that is adequate and also not nice enough for Reykjavic itself.

    Any activities in particular you enjoyed? Bonus points if anyone can tell me what their children enjoyed :)

    1. There are a ton of Iceland posts on this board so be sure to search – lots of great suggestions! I went last summer and heavily relied on recs here.

      Get a waterproof coat with an inner layer that unzips. Your Patagonia should be fine; I used the Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go trench recommended here. Get rain pants, whatever you find on Amazon, that can zip on over your pants and boots. They don’t take up a lot of space and they’re nice for the waterfall you can walk behind and super rainy days. Take a zippered fleece and a lighter zippered shell so you can layer. I bought but didn’t use thermals; I didn’t find them necessary for the summer but ymmv. Waterproof hiking boots are a must. Don’t forget to take warm weather clothes too – it was in the 70s most of the time I was there so I didn’t even use all my sweaters.

      For Reykjavik, think street fashion. There’s a pinterest? insta? of Reykjavik street fashion if you’re interested. They focus pretty heavily on fabulous coats but you probably won’t have space or need it in the summer. I wore a leather jacket, ankle boots, skinny jeans, a drapey top, and a scarf and was consistently mistaken for a local.

      For activities, I drove the ring road but you can do a lot from Reykjavik too. I did Into the Glacier and a nearby lava tube tour out of Husafell, the boat tour of the glacier lagoon down south, and a whale watching tour out of Husavik. Husavik is probably too far from the capital but you can do whale watching out of Reykjavik too.

      1. Thanks so much! I’m glad to know the Patagonia will work. We’re trying to pack light due to limited trunk space in our small rental.

        We’ve booked the first few nights in Reykjavic as well as the last 2 nights then a few nights near the Golden Circle/Pingsvillar National Park a few nights near Vik so we won’t have to do too much driving and can take it slow ;0

        1. In Thingvellir – if you bring your own mug, the coffee at the visitor’s center is free! And good! At least when I was there. It made me feel better about paying for parking. I brought my own travel mug and water bottle (filled up the water bottle in rivers and waterfalls along the way), which I highly recommend. Bottled water was hard to find outside the airport.

          Oh and the Viking Museum (I think? the museum close to the airport with the big Viking boat inside) has a buffet breakfast starting at like 6 am. Really great for your early morning arrival.

      2. Sadly search function does not provide useful results :( Just two seemingly random posts. sigh.

    2. Yeah, it’s nice in the summer. I wore my hiking boots around town with my casual clothes, lots of other tourists doing the same thing. I had a light jacket and rain coat, it was in the 50’s-60’s in June when I went. I don’t think I brought a winter jacket, just sweaters and flannels. It’s light pretty much all of the time so the sun makes it feel warmer.

      If you want to search the old posts, use Google instead of the sidebar search feature.

    3. I went in August. Iceland can have a really chilly wind that’s pretty constant, so I recommend windproof and also bringing a hat or gloves in case you need them. Def pack a bathing suit and make sure you schedule ample time for the Blue Lagoon. It’s cheesy-awesome. Good walking shoes too–Reyjavik is a bit hilly. And yes to waterproof shoes–the land there is grassland-tundra so it’s basically mucky slop in summer, in some places the kind of mud you ooze into.

  22. Student loan refinancing Q.

    I am in the midst of rolling through my mortgage and student loan debts to see if I can refinance anything (I do this every few years).

    My student loans are currently at 2.875%, 17 years left on a 30-year fixed term. General internet searches make it look like I’m not going to get a lower interest rate in this market, and I don’t want to up my monthly payments significantly to shorten the term.

    Am I lucky and out of luck? Has anyone seen/secured anything lower than 2.875% lately?

    2. Do yourself a favor and keep it at that rate, you will not find anything lower. Inflation can be higher than that.

    3. there is a refi option from first republic bank that is available to a very limited subset of borrowers, depending on location, satisfying certain requirements (open a checking account with a 3500 minimum balance), and I believe credit score and loan balance minimum, that is lower than sofi or anything else I’ve seen. There is a bit of hoop jumping involved so you would have to determine whether it is worth it for you, but I refinanced 180k at 1.95% fixed for 5 year term. Means my monthly payments are extremely high but almost nothing going to interest, so no regrets (I was paying 7.5% for 30 year term and started with $225k, and had refinanced once with sofi at 4.5% for 15 year term).

      1. Thanks, and good for you! I don’t want to open another checking account and I don’t have much tolerance for hoop jumping at this point . . . but your comment now leads me to the duh! moment that I should call my own bank, so thanks!

      2. my colleague did extensive shopping around recently and did just this with First Republic. You have to move your direct deposit from work to them, and also have some cash in the bank beyond just that minimum, but the rate was stupid low. Made SoFi look usurious (is that a word?). Anyway, I am building up my cash cushion to do just this–wanna knock these out and lock before rates increase any more.

        1. Thanks for this additional information. My loan balance is at <$50k at this point but at this interest rate I'm in no hurry to pay it off considering other saving and spending obligations right now, so switching my banking to First Republic does not sound appealing, but if I had a higher balance it certainly would be!

          I appreciate all the feedback, I just like to revisit every few years to make sure I'm not missing anything even when I know my rate is pretty good.

          1. Fwiw, I have been a first republic customer for >10 years. It’s a great bank, even better than the local credit union I had an account with for many years. I have never had any issues with them: no random fees, great customer service, cookies at every location, beautiful wall calendar every year, great mobile app. If you are looking to change banks or get a new checking account, it’s a bank to consider.

          2. I’m anonymous at 1:13pm, yea at your outstanding balance I wouldn’t switch anything. FWIW, I kept my main bank account and just created a second one with FR to make this happen (so you don’t have to switch), it was just so completely worth it to me because of my crazy high balance. Congrats for getting it below 50k, I just hit 5 digits a couple months ago and I was ecstatic! 1 more year!!

  23. I can’t really share this anywhere else, but its down to < $50,000! It finally feels like the end is in sight and achievable! Hallelujah!

  24. Doesn’t it look like they photo shopped a different face on this model’s body?

    So odd….

    1. I defaulted on a credit card and will have the debt paid off this time next month.
      Once I defaulted, there was no more interest. Since I did pay on time monthly for so long, I am settling the debt for about 50% of the original balance that was transferred. Not bad.

      Not sure if this is exactly what you wanted, but there it is.

  26. Any recommendations for a rolling litigation bag that is black, sturdy, nondescript, and will fit into overhead bins when travelling?

    Government attorney, so I don’t need anything fancy or expensive.

    Needs to be able to be ordered online and delivered in less than a week!

    TIA

    1. I like this one (although my partners use cases that have the handle in the middle of the wider side, not at the narrower end, and think I’m weird). It’s lightweight, holds a ton and has some give to it, so I can stuff the sides when necessary. I have not flown with it so I don’t know about fitting it in overhead bins.

      I had a prior version for many years and it held up really well, finally started to look shabby after regular, hard use for 10 years or more.

      https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B0087CX410/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

  27. My post is in mod.

    Check Amazon for the Tutto 20-in. office on wheels, I love mine.

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