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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Slim City Stretch Blazer

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A woman wearing an olive blazer, white top, blue jeans, and brown belt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I bought an olive blazer on a whim a few years ago and I’ve been shocked at how often I’ve worn it. It looks professional, but not in a way that seems quite as stuffy as my black or navy jackets. This sleek, stretchy version from Banana Republic would pair nicely with black, navy, ivory, or camel. If you’re looking to make a suit, there are a number of options, but I think I like this best as a mix-and-match piece. 

The blazer is $220 at Banana Republic and comes in sizes 0-18 and 00P-12P. It also comes in navy, black, and cream. 

For plus sizes, try this double-breasted Talbots blazer (also available in misses, petite, and plus petite) — it's on sale for $159.99-$179.99.

Sales of note for 2/6:

231 Comments

  1. Going to a celebration of life tomorrow for a colleague. At a hotel so likely to be a lot of people there. Dark suit ok? Everyone will be coming from work.

    3. I can’t think of what else to wear absent an invite that specified something dramatic in honor of the person.

  2. What does slim fit refer to in this context? Just not being a boxy blazer? Smaller lapels?

    1. I’d assume if means a fit that is close to the body–or closer to the body than what we’ve been seeing lately. It probably easily fits a lean person with a narrower frame. It might not fit as well for someone with broad shoulders, large arms, a broad back, larger chest, etc.

      1. Yeah, as someone with a disproportionately large chest, I know that any top labeled slim fit is unlikely to fit me!

    2. From the product description: “Slim fit: Sits close to the body with a straight silhouette.”

  3. Does anyone have a good executive coach in the DC, Virginia, Maryland area? I’ve just been promoted to a (smaller) company’s C-Suite. I’ve been an employee here for over 10 years, but would really like to take my executive presence to the next level.

    1. Allison Picket, Jennifer Coleman (if in private practice; leads the Darden Exec MBA coaching in NoVA), or Sandra Buteau.

  4. I know someone last week was anxious about their daughter going into Minneapolis so I wanted to report back from my weekend in Minneapolis. My report is basically that in the parts of the city I was in I saw and experienced nothing. I was in town for a bar mitzvah, basically went to the airport, a hotel and various venues. Idk what I thought, but my other friends and I expected to see something at the airport. Some other guests went to the Mall of America and it was all fine. I felt a bit strange being there for a happy occasion given everything else going on in the city, but I am very glad I was able to support my friend who wasn’t sure if her neurodiverse child would ever have a bar mitzvah.

    1. You were the mom’s poster? I’m so glad you went and ignored the person who told you that nowhere in the entire city was safe for anyone.

      1. yes, i was the poster on the mom’s site. i honestly had the best time celebrating with my friend and her family

      2. No one said that. They specifically said if you’re familiar with the city then you’re probably fine, just be careful.

        1. “I’d question whether it’s safe to be anywhere in Minneapolis for the next week or so. If youre very familiar with the city then you’re probably fine, but if you’re just visiting then either bow out or keep your own transportation with you at all times.”

          Followed by

          “Did you watch the video? It could very easily happen to anyone. I have family in Minneapolis and they report that ICE is everywhere.”

          And

          “No one should be anywhere in the city of Minneapolis.”

          2. I don’t know how you know that, but I also don’t think that’s relevant to whether “no one” said to stay away from Minneapolis. At least one person clearly did.

    2. I was thinking about you! I’m so glad to hear it worked out well. Mazel tov to your friend and her child!

  5. In the fall there was an article in WSJ titled “Millions of Kids Are on ADHD Pills. For Many, It’s the Start of a Drug Cascade.” As we contemplate ADHD meds for our struggling child (who has been in therapy so the medicine would not be our first intervention) I would love to hear from anyone who took ADHD meds or some other kind of meds typically prescribed by a psychiatrist and is either glad their parents had them take it, wishes that they hadn’t taken it, etc. Especially stimulants vs. non stimulants, etc. My sister took anxiety meds as a kid (her anxiety was debilitating) and while I think as an adult she recognizes that she needed/needs it, sometimes she says things like “I don’t know what my body is like without medication.” Would love to hear some thoughts.

    1. This subject has come up in my family for both ADHD meds and depression treatment. It’s a complex issue that’s beyond the scope of a comment here, really, but I will say that people who decline to continue a medication that has a notable and clear improvement for their symptoms and their family life should probably reconsider. One of the hardest things in my life has been learning how to have positive relationships with people with untreated mental illness or ADHD (ADHD isn’t a mental illness, but these are the two conditions at play here). Untreated anxiety and depression pushes people away right when you need them the most. Untreated ADHD can result in extremely unfair divisions of labor in adult relationships. There are several examples top of mind in my family and it’s all been super hard.

      1. I waited entirely too long to get depression meds. They’ve changed my life for the better and I wish I hadn’t waited. I hesitated specifically because of all the fear around meds “what if it changes me?” “What if I need them forever?” “What if I don’t like them?” Ya know what, for anyone hesitating, I say try it and then stop taking them if you don’t like them. But they could change your life, all you have to do is be open to trying.

        1. I feel this way about Wellbutrin since it’s easy to quit and the side effects stop when it’s discontinued. Just try it and see how it goes!

      2. +1. I agree with you. It was motherhood that finally pushed me to get on anxiety meds. I should’ve had them way earlier in life, TBH. I see how much happier and healthier I could’ve been in college, especially, when I really struggled with the pressure of balancing everything.

      3. Chiming in to say that your last three sentences so effectively describe my parents marriage. We’ve tried so hard to convince them it doesn’t have to be this hard, but while they accept the dog can need anti-anxiety meds, they refuse to look in the mirror.

    3. There are several different meds for ADHD, and they generally start to work pretty quickly, so you can test out different ones to see how they make your child feel. And starting to take them is not a lifelong commitment — you can stop (with doctor oversight) fairly quickly if you don’t like them. I guess my main advice is work closely with your doctor and therapist and keep checking in with your child to see how it’s going.

      1. +1. Also they are out of your system so quickly, our kiddo’s afternoon dose fully wears off by dinner. We do medication free weekends to help with appetitie/growth and I have to remind myself to be extra patient because the attention issues resurface immediately.

    5. It’s easy to say now, but I wish my medical team had put more effort in. I know I’ll always have ADHD, but as a child, why wasn’t I offered any help for my struggles with sleep? Why wasn’t I tested for linked medical conditions when I complained of relevant symptoms? In retrospect it looks like my pediatric team normalized, reassured, and kicked the can down the road as if these things would just get better with time, and I internalized a lot of messaging about how it’s okay to just feel bad, even when the underlying issues were treatable as vitamin deficiency. I’ve shared resources from All Brains Belong before, but even their resources are largely focused on adult patients.

      As for medication, I believe strongly that medication can be a godsend even in the privacy of our own minds, and I think it’s important to experience a medicated thought process for once in our lives; it really helped me understand what ADHD even was to be able to follow a thought linearly through to its end without side tracking, loops, or forgetfulness. I don’t think it should substitute for accommodation especially at school. My experience was that I needed a different, better school environment a lot more than I needed medication.

      1. In a lot of pediatrics, there’s an (I believe unethical) tendency to not treat actual problems (like painful reflux in infants) because they “might grow out of it.” Lack of effective therapeutics isn’t an excuse for doing nothing at all in many cases.

        1. First, do no harm.

          Medications have side effects and clinical trials in infants are limited. Exercising caution is not at all unreasonable.

          1. Caution isn’t; throwing up your hands and doing nothing is. We would never ignore severe pain in any other population.

          4. Doing nothing is appropriate when there is no evidence to support doing something.

          5. EBM is a joke, and you should be ashamed of yourself for echoing its rhetoric.

            You know full well that there will never be evidence if children and children’s suffering isn’t considered worth researching. Remember when the scientific consensus was that babies don’t feel pain yet? It’s 2026 and we’re smarter now.

            If pediatricians do not test for treatable conditions, they won’t have the evidence that there’s something to treat, but that’s a choice. If pediatricians dismiss and downplay symptoms and mischaracterize them in chart notes, the evidence that a patient needs appropriate testing will never accumulate.

            We know the games that lazy providers play to block patients they’re prejudiced against from accessing science backed medical care.

      2. Yep. I wish testing and help had been available for me (gen x), but the solution for this weirdo who had all the now acknowledged markers of Aspergers/ASD1 was to let the other kids sort me out. I wouldn’t wish grade and middle school on my worst enemy.

      3. Can you talk to me more about your sleep troubles? My nine year old who I suspects has ADHD has trouble falling asleep, even as a baby. She says “I don’t know how” when she’s told to just go to sleep. We’ve done a sleep study and she doesn’t have RLS or ferretin deficiencies.

        1. I always had trouble falling asleep, even as a baby, but I also had a lot of nightmares, night terrors, and sleep paralysis as a kid and pretty much until I got help as an adult. There are probably some things they wouldn’t have known yet when I was younger (they’re still researching the subtype of ADHD that involves low central acetylcholine, as well as links between ADHD and vitamin levels, both of which have been relevant for me). But I didn’t even get a sleep study till later; I’m glad to hear that kids are getting sleep studies now, and I hope they’ll keep trying to figure out what’s up if it keeps being a challenge.

        2. My 4th grade daughter has mild/borderline ADHD and she’s always had sleep issues. We actually chose not to medicate her in part due to her sleep issues and instead worked really hard on sleep training. Now, she has a lot more skills around getting and staying to sleep. We are considering meds again but she’s almost 10 and very vocally does not want medication. We know we are her parents and it’s our call but we are trying to respect her feelings too. We’ve set behavior expectations and if those are met, we aren’t going to push for meds.

          I do think school would be easier for her on meds but it’s not really worth the battle. She’s meeting grade level expectations on paper (but is also gifted and very clearly underperforming relative to her potential) and is an excellent reader with a very sharp mind. She just doesn’t like the actual mechanics of school and also doesn’t always learn the way she is taught.

    6. Well — look up the stats for kids who have ADHD and go unmedicated throughout their childhood. The results of that aren’t great, either (addiction, more risky behaviors, etc.)

      My kid has taken ADHD meds since age 8. They were truly life-changing for him, and for us. I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but without them, he was struggling so hard socially and emotionally, to the point that it was affecting academics even though he’s highly gifted.

      Unfortunately, it sometimes takes some trial and error to find the right medication. I won’t downplay how nerve-wracking that can be. We lucked out with ADHD meds to find a good fit pretty quickly, but I know it’s been difficult for other families. There are now some better methods, like gene testing, to at least give the prescriber a better starting point.

      My son took an older stimulant medication (Ritalin) for a very long time until he maxed out on the dosing. Now as a teen, he’s on a non-stimulant with a very low dose of a stimulant booster at the end of the day. It’s working really well for him.

      When he is without medication, you know it. And it isn’t good. Zero impulse control whatsoever. This is all paired with therapy and skill-building, of course. Without meds, it is much much harder to access those skills.

    7. My child sought out diagnosis at 18, and discovered they are AuDHD and have anxiety. They say starting meds was lifechanging, and I do have some amount of guilt that I didn’t seek them out when they were much younger (middle school was hell). They have told me how thankful they are that there is something that makes them able to cope. They have flourished since starting them. I can tell you from personal experience (I was diagnosed with Bipolar II at age 40, which today would be clear I struggled with since elementary school) that at her age I would have done anything to make my brain work right. I knew my brain was “broken” and didn’t work like other people’s and would have jumped at taking medication to “fix” it.

      1. I’m AuDHD as is my kid (I was diagnosed after my kid was diagnosed, very common for women I’m told). I pushed hard for evaluation because I suffered so much in middle/high school and refused to let my child experience the same guilt/shame/self-loathing that I did because my brain wouldn’t/couldn’t work the same as other people’s.

    8. I unfortunately wasn’t diagnosed until I was an adult, so I don’t have any personal experience with starting meds as a kid. I wish I had, for what that’s worth!
      However, two of my kids are diagnosed and I have some experience with them. My son was on meds for a couple of years – or so we thought. It turns out he didn’t like how the meds made him feel and so he wasn’t actually taking them most of the time, but instead of telling us he just hid the pills. Had we known, we could have worked with the psychiatrist to try something different, but by the time we figured it out, he wasn’t interested in trying anything else. He is currently unmedicated, but in college and doing fine for now. My daughter did try a few different meds, but either had side effects or they weren’t effective. So she is also currently unmedicated.
      My takeaway is to try to have a very open ongoing conversation about the meds and how your child feels on them, in case adjustments or changes are necessary. Even something that’s working well at first can change over time. And also, to know that some people don’t respond well to any of the meds. I have tried several different meds and unfortunately, many of them simply didn’t work for me. Those that did weren’t terribly helpful, because at a dose that actually helped my ADHD, the anxiety they caused wasn’t tolerable. I don’t say that to discourage you, because I think most people do find something that works well for them. But it can take time, trying several different meds, and making a number of dosage adjustments to get it dialed in. So be patient with the process.
      I hope you find something that works well for your child!

    9. My feeling is that store bought stimulants, even when imperfect, are usually going to be better for our health than the ones we produce ourselves (hello, adrenaline) in our desperate attempts to focus.

      1. My feeling is that adapting school environments to accommodate what children actually are developmentally capable of, instead of drugging them so a 7 year old can sit still and follow instructions for 6-8 hours a day, would be better for our health.

        1. so sitting and following directions at school is not really our main issue as ADHD can present fairly differently in girls. we have other impulsive behaviors happening and some significant social impacts. the issues exists whether in school or on vacation or at summer camp. though your sentiment is what makes me feel hesitant to give adhd meds to our child. i dont want my child to look back and hate us for ‘drugging’ her

          1. You can’t win–if you give your kid the meds she will hate you for it later, and if you continue to let her suffer without meds she will also hate you. Just do what makes her life best now.

          2. If the issues persist across multiple settings, not just school, that is a hallmark of ADHD and what makes it different from “just having a lot of energy.”

          3. I think there’s a lot in between “you must take these pills on schedule because this is how we’re going to solve your problems” (what some kids in my generation experienced especially if they were boys who were perceived as acting out) vs. “do you want to see how you feel taking these?” The nice thing about ADHD meds is that most of them work immediately, so it’s easy to tell if they’re helping. It can take longer to tell if they’re worth it, but it can be a conversation.

          4. The best thing you can do is give her agency.

            Ask her how she feels, whether things are harder or easier on meds. See if she has an easier time with her friends + schoolwork. Let her lead her care, especially when she’s in her teen years.

            And for the love of all that is holy, get her in whatever form of sports she likes. (exercise is incredibly effective for ADHD)

          5. Co-signing exercise. Morning swim team practice every day was miles more effective for me than medication.

    10. I was an incredibly anxious/somewhat depressed kid with undiagnosed ADHD. If anxiety meds had been on the table for me back then I would have gladly taken them. My meds allow me to function without suffering needlessly.

    11. A good friend of mine recently went through this for their 7 year old with ADHD. He’s been really hyperactive/challenging since he was a toddler. When they finally started medication, it was life changing for him. Like your child he had already done all the therapies and interventions before medication. It was heartbreaking because he knew that he wasn’t acting “normally” but he couldn’t control himself. He hated how he would get in trouble at school or would have trouble with friends. He’s been vocal about how he’s so much happier now. He’s still himself, but his brain is quieter.

      1. This could describe my son exactly. The signs were there very early. From preschool through second grade, when he was finally diagnosed, he was in trouble constantly. Couldn’t listen. Couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t follow directions in any setting. Even compared to other boys, he was on another level. It was affecting his relationships with everyone and he felt bad about himself.

    12. Took em as a kid for two years. Wish I hadn’t; they caused weight loss, anxiety, etc.

      I’m sure there are extreme cases where they are necessary, but I strongly believe that they are a way for parents/clinicians/teachers to not do the much harder work of teaching coping skills and making time for those coping skills for most children.

      1. I’m sorry meds didn’t work for you. That doesn’t mean they don’t work for anyone. Many kids can’t implement the coping skills without meds.

        1. Disagree. Most kids could implement them just fine in a different environment with reasonable expectations for their age and development.

      2. how much time would you suggest to teach and implement? like if a kid has been in therapy for a year and is still really struggling?

        1. I think you are the parent and are in the situation. Truly, you should use your own judgment here. But some questions I am asking myself as a mom to a kid who reminds me a lot of me so far:

          1) what is her physical activity level? I was not a hyperactive kid, but my brain couldn’t sit still. Daily swim team practices and eventually weights after school (more in my teens) did more than the meds did. I needed heavy work, and an hour of laps and drills did that for me. Other kids like soccer or basketball, but I was not coordinated (also a common issue with ADHD kids!). But the point is that there needs to be a long block of exercise daily that requires hard effort (yoga doesn’t count). Morning is better than afternoon.

          2) how much out of her seat unstructured time is she getting at school? This is hard, because you can’t really control for it. But she is going to have a worse time if even gym classes are super structured standing in line waiting your turn stuff. Dodgeball where everyone is playing is great! Volleyball where only 8/30 kids are playing at a time because there’s only one court isn’t.

          3) screens. Are they happening, and if so, does her ADHD therapist think they are appropriate? Adjusting what times of day she uses them and for what may also help. I have found my ADHD is worse when screens are used for decompression.

      3. Hard disagree that “they are a way to not do the much harder work of teaching coping skills.” Getting kids to baseline is what makes them prepared to do the learning.

        If don’t have my allergy meds, because of how my body is wired, I am not in a relaxed neutral state where I can learn and do. If your body does neurotransmitters one way and that’s different than how most of us are wired, I can’t just wish that away. Or use so much extra energy to do the same thing that everyone else does. That would exhaust most people much faster. Is that really fair?

        1. The biomechanics behind allergies and the medications that treat them and ADHD and the medications that treat it are so different that this analogy can’t hold water.

          1. I think the point is still: a medicine is needed because otherwise the body becomes dysregulated. And the medicine is needed on a bio-chemical level. It’s not like a person can willpower their way into not being allergic to bees or change their brain wiring (but they can do things that make it worse, like alcohol or recreational drugs). T2D may be closer, because while diet / exercise / lifestyle can help or hurt, you may also need various medicines to avoid worse (albeit strictly physical) harms.

          2. It is simply not the case that medication is mandatory for ADHD kids. We will not die without meds, ever. A person who is severely allergic to bees is at an actual risk of death if they do not have epinephrine on them.

            A bit like comparing Xanax and chemotherapy.

          3. A person with a mold or pollen allergy can be actively miserable and yet they won’t die without allergy meds. Maybe their life is greatly improved by allergy shots? They could move to a different climate, but that is not a realistic fix or make-better.

            Still waiting for a doctor to prescribe that I go breathe some seaside air. Bring back Victorian-era medicine (kidding)!

          4. Also: there is no shame or stigma for treating allergies or lesser physical ailments. So we treat them. We don’t dawdle. MH is so much lesser-than and that needs to stop.

          6. There’s no shame or stigma because the medications are clearly actually necessary for the people who need them, and there are clear objective diagnostic criteria, including bloodwork and exposure testing. Reactions are consistent and persistent.

            There is no similar *objective* diagnostic criteria for ADHD.

          7. Oh, and there’s no recreational market for the meds. No one is buying ground up Zyrtec in a baggie and snorting it.

          8. Except you can make meth with old-school Sudafed.

            The market / recreational use of meds is likely for the same reason some people benefit from them. [You could say the same about misuse of sleeping meds.] The brain is seeking a hit of something. Self-medicating is the medicating of last resort. And the impulsivity to take a pill of who-knows-what these days is . . . maybe a sign they should be seeking treatment vs a party drug.

      4. The kids I see whose parents try restructuring their lifestyle before jumping straight to meds tend to handle their ADHD much better. I get that not everyone can quit their job and homeschool their kids, but adding in some extra running around time should be available to anyone on this board. Meds as a second line treatment is my vote.

        1. Well of course lifestyle modification is something to try. But meds should be another option that’s available. The anti-med poster is extrapolating her negative experience to the population.

          1. The anti-meds poster seems to be the only one in the conversation who was actually medicated as a child.

    13. I have always known I had adhd. I was very smart and a girl but messy and disorganized and all the things. I am successful professionally and happily married.

      I finally got a neuropsych evaluation and started meds last Friday. I took my first dose at 730am (stimulant, methylphenidate family). At 9am I cried. Cried with relief. Cried with sadness that my life had been so much harder than it needed to be. Cried that I no longer felt the crushing feelings of failure.

      My unmedicated but clearly adhd family of origin is full of alcoholism, caffeine addiction, and the emotional maturity of a fruit salad. I would say the adhd is the addiction risk factor, not low dose meds.

      1. Also, I did everything lifestyle possible to manage and outwardly looked like I was ‘doing fine’. Inside, I was absolutely struggling and fried and overwhelmed.

    14. In a big US city, our pediatric mental health experience has been from wretched and impeding progress to dismissive to just meh. I feel for parents and kids who are basically given nothing at all for real problems.

      I have one kid with a life-long medical problem that can be diagnosed via newborn screening in the first week of life. The science is clear: she won’t grow out of it. The treatment is medicine, which she will need to be on for the rest of her life (BUT she will get to live a normal life for a normal lifespan).

      MH conditions are trickier because so much is observed, so much relies on the lack of bias of reporters and on limited feedback from the kids themselves. Girls are ignored much more easily than boys re ADHD, ASD-1, etc. But where a medicine is part of the “going forward,” like an allergy med or insulin, how can we ethically decide against even trying something that may be beneficial? I get stopping something because of side effects. But there are consequences of inaction (bullying, exclusion, cutting, self-medicating in other ways) that should not lightly be dismissed (and IMO are very much downplayed by clinicians).

      1. I agree with a lot of this.

        But if bullying and exclusion are what happen to kids who aren’t medicated to the satisfaction of the bullies, bullying people into treatment isn’t something we should support? So many MH conditions are treatment refractory; I think it’s not great to send the message that if this medication doesn’t work, those are just the expected outcomes.

        1. Except that it’s true though. And it’s one example. Another is that teachers get a lot of discretion about who gets into the “good” reading group or “good” math group or gets a part in the play. Not getting picked because of behavior that is a result of ADHD gets a kid labeled “less than” way too early in life. Should teachers be kind and wiser about these things and differentiate learning so that all students can learn? Yes. Will they? In my experience in public school, never. The choice is that the kid suffers from a condition not being treated or we stop the suffering or reduce it by treating the condition. It would be intolerable to bully a kid in a wheelchair today and people know it’s bad. But when “Johnny throws stuff at me and I don’t like him because he’s annoying ,” it’s understandable on the other kid’s part at least. I have less sympathy for the teachers, but parents are often the least informed and the least able to access needed help. And to hell with the stigma — if you’d give your T1D kid insulin, you can’t pray away the ADHD or run/swim it out. It may take a bunch of modalities to get the kid to where they can function and not be exhausted (and many people just “unschool” and don’t try anything — IDK how those kids will be adults later on, but it’s probably not pretty).

          1. Classroom education was never a good fit for every child. They used to just kick disruptive students out of school before the ADA! So yeah public school is not always going to work for every child.

          2. Those kids would be kicked out of school (if they were ever there) and be busy losing limbs in a factory or working in fields or in mines.

            My daughter has the inattentive and active form of ADHD (along with ASD-1) and when she’s not in a class, just zooms around on the playground. But in high school, there is no recess, so she is struggling mightily to self-regulate (even with meds; they take enough of the edge off, but it’s still a struggle).

          3. Yeah, universal schooling is an admirable goal but there are always going to be kids that don’t fit in a typical classroom setting. Whether it’s better to change the child so they fit or change the environment they’re in is a philosophical question and honestly also depends on the child, their family, and their larger goals.

          5. Ha. Our school’s XC and track and field coach has no patience for a kid with ADHD who isn’t also a championship runner. I don’t know what business he has working with kids, but he gets championships and is allowed to stay (it does not matter — only the top 5 runners generate scores no matter how many run). It may be better for boys’ sports, but girls sports are not really to neurodivergent kids even when it’s not strictly a team sport.

          6. Okay, so have her join a running club near you. Point is that she doesn’t need to stop exercising simply because she’s in high school now and doesn’t have recess. Get her in sports.

    15. My mom has said she knew I had ADHD as a kid but didn’t want me to be “treated differently in school”, so she didn’t pursue any support.

      I knew I was different, though. I think being unmedicated led me to develop intense anxiety, self-criticism, perfectionism, constant stomach aches, panic attacks…while also developing a major caffeine addiction in high school. I was self-medicating. Stimulants are life changing for me in so many ways.

    16. One thing I would like to point out here – the sampling bias of people who are contributing is likely to skew pro-medication, as medicating ADHD is really good for accomplishing white collar career success. If you asked a bunch of park rangers and construction workers and farmers and nurses, you would likely get different answers.

      1. I’m not even sure you have to have ADHD for ADHD meds to be helpful in white collar careers!

        I’m more skeptical that ADHD is no issue for people in other career paths just because they have a job off meds. There may be a pattern of underemployment or not advancing, there may be patterns that show up with emotions or relationships, or there may be self-medicating.

    17. We’ve been down a long road with ADHD meds, speaking as a parent to an AuDHD child. The “combination therapy” approach right now is the gold standard afaik – using both a stimulant and a nonstimulant helps you keep at low levels of both. We frequently take breaks from the stimulant during weekends and breaks (they’re a bit rough on his stomach). We’re with guanfacine and Vyvanse right now; the Vyvanse is supposed to be better for stomachs because your body has to take the final step to convert the meds.

      Highly recommend using a medication tracker to keep track of different doses, meds, etc… helpful to give to any new doctors (or remind your regular doctor where you are). I think this is the one I’ve been using:
      https://www.additudemag.com/download/adhd-medication-monitoring-log/?srsltid=AfmBOorz4fFg2ieY1v4ssfE0JE_5N27WpGILEzhb6EpbrzVZvQ9Lo5ap
      https://www.additudemag.com/download/adhd-medication-monitoring-log/?srsltid=AfmBOorz4fFg2ieY1v4ssfE0JE_5N27WpGILEzhb6EpbrzVZvQ9Lo5ap

      1. oh and addendum to my 1:50 comment – i myself was diagnosed as ADHD first when I was 30 and then again at 45. I’m unmedicated, mostly because my life is pretty low key right now. I tried Adderall and Ritalin in my 30s and both made me feel like my heart would explode. (My husband tells me I would not get along with cocaine.) So listen to her if she doesn’t like the way they feel.

    18. You’ve gotten a lot of comments so far, but thought I’d add ours. My son was diagnosed with ADHD in second grade, following a lot of behavior issues at school. We decided to wait on meds in favor of routines, physical activity, diet until a point such that we saw it was hindering him in school. His 5th grade teacher helped us make that choice – he is very intelligent, but could not follow a list of instructions. He’d start to get lower test grades because he’d skip problems on the test because his mind simply wandered off. Although very social and with lots of friends, he’d sometimes have difficulty engaging with other kids because instead of whatever playground game he’d get distracted by a rock or something. He’s been on dexmethylphenidate for 3 years now. Total game changer. He’s old enough to have direct one on one with his Ped and they make small changes periodically with doses and time of dosage. Don’t let stigma rule out something that could be truly helpful to the person you love and want to succeed. Some kids don’t need more recess, they genuinely need a little bit of help in regulating themselves to be the best selves they can be.

    19. As someone who received an adult diagnosis, part of what helped without realizing it was participating in a sport. I even sometimes practiced on my own before school, without realizing it helped me focus. The same applied years later when I cycled to work prior to a diagnosis.

  6. Since everyone always has great vacation suggestions: I’m working on planning a trip to the Southwest for probably the Fall. Me and husband, no kids. We’re national park fans, so were planning on some of those, but are a little overwhelmed choosing which ones, and if we should mix in some towns/other things. What would everyone suggest for a week-long trip? I’ve been to Santa Fe and Sedona for work, but never vacation, and husband has never been anywhere in the Southwest. On the one hand, I know Grand Canyon and Zion are probably the most popular for a reason, on the other hand, we’re also really not a fan of crowds so wondering if we should go to some of the less popular ones, or perhaps some state parks instead. We like hikes, but after the Highline, husband has a “no trails right on the edge of sheer cliffs that require holding on to a chain” rule, so Angel’s Landing hike is out anyway(or at least that final permitted part).

    1. I’ll put in a plug for Cedar Breaks National Monument (Utah), near Bryce Canyon. Yes there are cliffs but I hate cliffs and was fine there. Zion is maybe where you’d get the least exposure to cliffs. Canyonlands is great, too. Basically southern Utah. Not a fan of the towns around there, although Kanab had a nice restaurant when we were there a few years back. For something a little different than hiking, consider Durango, CO and the Durango-Silverton railroad which is really fun and especially beautiful in the fall.

      1. We have a house in the mountains north of Durango. The hiking at the end of Sept, early Oct is epic with the aspens turning. Fly into Durango, take the train to Silverton one day, rent a car and do hiking up north of Purgatory, drive 30 min west to Mesa Verde NP, about 2-3 hours past Mesa Verde is Capital Reef NP.

    2. None of the parks really need a full week, so it’s best to combine two. Grand Canyon and Sedona would be good, or Zion and Bryce Canyon. It’s a lot to get around the Grand Canyon (about 8 hour drive) to get to Zion so that’s not a great combo. It can still be hot in the fall, especially early fall, so keep that in mind if you are thinking anything South of Sedona. Sedona will still be hot in September and October.

    3. Highly highly recommend Zion and Bryce. We loved Zion so much. The Narrows in Zion is a super fun and unique non-cliff hike. I love Angels Landing – if you like those sheer cliff/holidng onto chain hikes, it would be very easy and not weird for your husband to hike up to the base of Angels Landing and stay there while you did the last part.

      DH and I actually did Zion + Grand Canyon and wish we would have skipped Grand Canyon and did Bryce instead. A lot of people in Zion were coming from Bryce and saying it was amazing, and we think we should have just sticked to southern Utah. We’ll go back to Zion for sure, and will be adding Bryce. There are other state parks in southern Utah that are supposed to be amazing. I recommend flying into Las Vegas since there are so many flights and it’s easy to do, renting a 4-wheel drive SUV, and driving to Zion and Bryce.

      For crowd management, our favorite thing is to go to national parks while most schools are in session. Mid-September and October is a fantastic time to go.

    4. The first two weekends of October are Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque. Balloon Fiesta is amazing, although there are definitely crowds. That can be your base for White Sands, Santa Fe, and other attractions. If you are a space buff, Roswell and the Very Large Array. If your husband is a WWII guy, Los Alamos. October is also the best time to see yellow aspens.

      1. If you come to New Mexico, get a pass to hike Tent Rocks. It just recently re-opened and you have to get your pass early but it is so cool! Also if you go to White Sands, take an extra day and go to Carlsbad so you can visit the caverns.

      2. A week in New Mexico can be an amazing mix of outdoors and culture. I’d do something like this:
        – Fly into Albuquerque, rent a car, and drive to Santa Fe
        – Spend a day in SF for restaurants, shops, and museums (the International Folk Art museum is my favorite)
        – Drive the high road to Taos, stopping at art studios along the way and eating at Rancho de Chimayo
        – Visit Taos Pueblo and go to the Rio Grande Gorge bridge, then head to Angel Fire
        – Hike in the Carson National Forest for 1-2 days from a base in Angel Fire
        – Drive back to Albuquerque on the Turquoise Trail, stop in Madrid for galleries and a green chile cheeseburger

    5. Absolutely go to Monument Valley. That was my favorite stop on my SW roadtrip. Stay at The View hotel (hotel is just ok, but the sunset view is breathtaking). I would highly recommend taking a jeep tour and not driving your own car through the valley itself (entrance near hotel), as I was white-knuckle gripping the steering wheel the whole time.
      Grand Canyon also 100% worth it. I stayed at one of the lodges on the rim, which was great. I didn’t feel it was crazy busy when I went in September.

    6. Just a note that if you enjoy theatre and end up in the Zion/Bryce area, check out the Cedar City Shakespeare Festival. We went last year and it was great!

  7. Y’all….. my partner was having a stressy day yesterday so I made him a half batch of cookies (12). I dropped the cookies off at the coffee table infront of where he was playing video games and he goes off about how I ‘was just making cookies for myself’ and how he ‘doesn’t want them’ sure whatever, wasn’t going to get into a fight so I said alright, hope you feel better I’ll bring the cookies to work tomorrow. I then packed the cookies in a Tupperware and went to bed. This morning I went to gather my things for work and HE ATE ALL THE COOKIES, the ones that he yelled at me about not wanting. WTF.

    2. I like days off too, but maybe video games and stress eating aren’t working for him as stress reduction right now.

    3. OOf, is this a normal pattern? Even if I didn’t want cookies, I’d not yell at someone who brought them for me.

    4. That’s awful behavior. If this wasn’t the first time something like this has happened, you might want to rethink the partnership. If it’s the first time, I’d be calling him out about it after work. He owes you a pretty big apology for the initial reaction and the subsequent behavior. It would have cost him two seconds to leave a note saying he’s sorry that he snapped at you and thanks for the cookies.

    5. Wow, that would be the last time I would do something nice for him. Is this kind of behaviour a pattern?

    6. Huh, in general, is your partner angry if he thinks you’re “just doing something for yourself” when he’s playing video games? Or is this wildly out of character, new behavior for him?

      1. Yeah what? Was he playing video games for someone other than himself?

        Or does he think they were some kind of passive aggressive cookies?

        This relationships sounds stressful.

    7. I’m sorry, this would make me see red. Fwiw I’d also reevaluate if this is someone you want as a partner. My teen boys are able to communicate that they’re stressed/on edge, ask for space, and apologize if they’re being jerky. I’d expect better behavior from an adult.

      2. Eh, DH plays video games and will immediately put it down if LO or I need something. Not every gamer is a jerk.

        1. agreed, DH loves video games but always prioritizes me and our family. Early in our relationship I was trying to be a chill girlfriend and not interrupt him when he played, and he asked, “why do you always tiptoe around me when I’m playing video games? It’s just a game, I’ll put it down at any time for you.” And he always has, with no annoyance or resentment.

      3. That’s ridiculous, my DH plays video games and would absolutely never react like this. to shatter a few other stereotypes of gamers, he is also a vice president at a fast growing company and very successful in his career, he is incredibly handy around the house and maintaining our property, and we probably talk too much to each other. he’s not some loner dude in his parents basement – some of those millennial boys grew up into good men and just happened to keep gaming as a hobby.

      4. My ex husband played video games and my current husband does too. My ex was like OP’s partner and my current husband is the opposite. It’s not the video games that are the problem, it’s the fact that the guy is a jerk.

    9. If he doesn’t come back form work falling over himself in apologies, you have a problem.

      He needs to learn to express himself better.

      1. 100% this. and that you get an explanation behind the reaction from him, because that’s a weird af reaction to a seemingly innocent and nice gesture.

  8. The photo I have on my LinkedIn profile is about 10 years old and I was thinking about updating it, but then I got thinking about not including a photo at all. I don’t use LinkedIn regularly, but have used it in the past for job searching and to contact looser professional connections and previous colleagues. My feeling is that if I want to job search/apply for jobs then I’ll need a photo. Any thoughts on this welcome.

    2. I think not having a photo will make your profile look incomplete/be a (smallish) strike against you in a job search. No one cares if it’s up to date though; this isn’t dating.

      If you’re company offers a free headshot day or something, I always feel like it’s nice to have a reasonable professional photo that is recent enough I feel recognizable in though – it’s one errand done ahead of time, and it’s nice to just have something ready to go in case you need it, even if it’s just an internal newsletter.

    3. The recruiter side of LinkedIn is built to favor search results with a name, a photo, and a header (the first 63 or so characters are visible in a search before clicking into a full profile). As your profile is more and more complete, you are prioritized in results more and more (so, background photo, a populated summary or about me, etc.). Faceless people are frustratingly hard to find from a recruiter standpoint. Include a photo.

    4. You need a photo. I wouldn’t feel pressure to update, although having a current headshot you like can be really valuable if you’re ever asked to be on a panel, get promoted and need it for a press release for trades, need to submit for a website, etc. if you have a personal photo that you like but isn’t business like, maybe give AI a whirl? Always better to play with this stuff than when you actually need something. If you job hunt for more senior roles, you may want something more current. (But still better to have something old than nothing)

      1. +1 – and just take a selfie on a good hair and makeup day and edit it, it’s pretty easy to have a current headshot.

    5. Your photo is one of the main (sometimes only) things people look at, so I think it’s important and worthwhile to get a professional photo taken at some point. Not having a photo is like a company with an outdated website. It makes people wonder if you are legit or behind the times. But most colleagues I work with have old photos that are clearly from their younger years, so I don’t think that’s a big deal. I’ll note that even during my job search, when I had premium, I was amazed at how few people who interviewed me even took the time to look at my LI profile. So although LinkedIn seems like a valuable platform, in reality, I think very few people are active on it, or bother to engage even while actively recruiting. Like, aren’t they curious? I guess not.

  9. Looking for some travel recs! I told my 18 year-old that I would take her on a long weekend trip to Florida in February or March. I can fly directly to Fort Myers, Fort Lauderdale, or Tampa. Looking for a recommendation for a resort where we can stay right on the beach and I won’t feel too nervous about letting her walk around by herself a little bit. Budget is probably around $700/night, but would obviously love it for it to be less! We don’t need a ton of “attractions,” I just want to take her to relax on the beach for a few days after a really tough year.

    1. FLL or TPA will probably be most budget-friendly, but RSW will get you the best weather. Last time we were on the Atlantic side in Feb. the highs were in the 60s!

    2. Don’t know if it’s in your preferred area, but I’ve long had The Colony in Palm Beach bookmarked as a pretty resort hotel to stay at.

        1. YMMV, but we’ve been to Palm Beach a half-dozen times over the years (it’s a special place for us as we got engaged at The Breakers, which is also gorgeous but doubtful about your price point!), and the shadow of Mar-a-Lago kind of ruined the desired carefree vibe on our last trip.

          Maybe look at the Inn on Fifth in Naples? It’s not beachfront but a short bike ride to the beach, and the downtown is cute and walkable, lots of shops and restaurants.

      2. Of course I do, but there are obviously some places where I feel more comfortable about it. And if you want to pretend like you would feel equally comfortable letting a high school senior walk around by herself in all locations, then you’re being deliberately obstuse.

        1. You’re going to feel magically better about this in 5 months when she graduates? She’s a legal adult; time to cut the apron strings.

          1. Because things always go very well for young women who are “legal adults” in beach resort locations…

          2. You’re absolutely right, and you know my kid and my situation better than I possibly could.

        2. I get what you’re saying. Like, the beaches are not always G rated – there are plenty of tacky bars and drunk people wandering around FLL. But nothing a even a as-of-yet sheltered 18yo shouldn’t be able to handle, assuming she’s not going out clubbing by herself.

        3. I’d feel comfortable letting my 17 year old walk around any area I’m comfortable walking around (aka pretty much anywhere except a dangerous neighborhood).

          She’s a city kid and has been using public transit to get to school, her job, and social things for years.

          1. Public transit in the city is still really different to me from the wrong sort of beachy tourist destination.

            And it doesn’t have to be about safety or fear. It can be about having a good time on vacation vs. having to deal with a bunch of pigs three times your age, right?

          2. … you don’t live in my city then. I love it and I’ll defend it, but some lines on SEPTA are way worse than pigs 3x this girls’ age.

          3. I’ve had worse experiences than harassment on public transit too, but I was commuting, not on vacation. It’s totally okay to get feedback on whether a particular destination is more interested in those guys’ $ than in mine and whether I’m likely to enjoy my trip more than I enjoy my commute.

          4. ^this. I am extremely confident in my ability to defend myself, including against people bigger and stronger than me, in basically any non-firearms situation, and I’ve done it. Doesn’t mean it’s what I want to do on a relaxing beach weekend!

      4. When I was in college (20+ years ago) and came home on break, my high school friends and I would try to plan to go out clubbing late at night. We’d always end up changing our plans because our moms wouldn’t “let” us. Of course they couldn’t legally stop us, but they’d spend all day telling us about who got shot in that area of town a month ago, or how many drunk driving accidents there had been on the highway in the last couple of weeks, and whatever else that made us feel annoyed and guilty enough that it just wasn’t worth staying out that late.

        Never mind that we went out clubbing when we were at school, or when we traveled and studied abroad. Rationally, our moms knew that. But it took time for their mentality to shift when we were staying under their roof (or with them on vacation.)

      5. I wouldn’t want any woman walking around some of the sketchy beach clubs in Daytona or Ft. Lauderdale alone. This was less about letting and more about asking about the safety of the area.

    4. She’s a legal adult. I hope most situations are ones where you don’t feel nervous with her walking around…

    5. The St Regis Longboat Key is very nice, likely out of budget, but worth checking for your particulary dates. I also like Naples – you could likely find something in your budget there. Both are safe.

  10. Help me shop. I’ve been invited to a winter bridal shower in late February. I don’t have any dresses that feel both festive and seasonally appropriate, so I’d like to use this as a chance to buy something new. Any ideas? I have a shimmery gray sweater dress, but it makes me feel lumpy and sad. (When I wear tights, it creates a terrible donut-around-the-waist situation.)

    I’m 5’9″ and a size 14. Primarily pear-shaped but I’m carrying a bit of extra around the middle at the moment. Boden tall sizes usually work OK for me.

      1. Hmm – I like the Boden shirt dress but the others are kind of dark for a bridal shower (unless this is typical for your group).
        Loft is hit or miss but they’ve got a lot of dresses on clearance.
        This one is navy but sparkly: https://www.loft.com/clothing/dresses/catl000013/shimmer-stripe-tie-neck-mini-flounce-dress/782063.html?priceSort=DES
        A little more casual but I like the color: https://www.loft.com/clothing/dresses/catl000013/brushed-ottoman-side-pleated-midi-dress/772190.html?dwvar_772190_color=2327&priceSort=DES

    2. I’m terrible at putting together outfits. No help there.

      But I do give you permission to donate the gray sweater dress. Don’t wear something that makes you feel lumpy and sad. Please!

      Wear something that makes you love being tall and feeling cute.

      1. You’re right! I bought it before I gained my perimenopause weight, and it makes me feel terrible about myself because while it fits, it just doesn’t look great anymore. :(

    3. Where’s the shower and what kind of venue (like, fancy country club, casual at a relative’s house, in between)?

    4. What will the weather be like where you live? For cold weather, I feel like you need to solve the shoe/leg issue as part of the dress decision. Do you plan on wearing tall boots, or something else? Tights (what color?)? If you don’t already have the shoes/boots/tights, start shopping for them along with the dress.

    5. I’d look at Ulla Johnson – I have a few of her silk dresses that go everywhere and are workhorses. Absent that, I might do pants and a blouse with pretty shoes and take the opportunity to get a pretty blouse that also works for the office. My resolution is to stop buying one off items this year.

        1. Took me a while to get there – I found myself with a closet full of dresses I technically could wear to the office but never wanted to. Since I pivoted to blouses, my work options are so much improved.

  11. My mom (70s) & I are going on a trip together in late 2026. She lives in NYC and I live between Boston & New York; I need to get to Barcelona/Girona about a week before her and then she’ll join me, and then we’re both going back to the States about a week later. Does anyone know of a travel agent who will help me figure out flights? I have the actual trip/hotels/etc. covered.

    Notes: I know this is super-early to plan this, please trust me I need to get this locked down ASAP.

    1. Hi, not sure if this is helpful, but it’s pretty easy to take a train/uber from Girona to Barcelona and then flights on Iberia, Delta, and American to NYC are pretty common (either direct or with 1 stop). Not sure if you have the time/mental space to do this, but it might honestly take about the same amount of time as finding a travel agent. Good luck!

    2. I don’t think travel agents really do ‘flights only’ as there’s no money in it for them, but suggest playing around with multi-city flights on Google Flights and each of you having your own itinerary. So yours hypothetically would be BOS-BCN and then CGD-JFK if your trip is to Paris, and hers would be JFK-CDG round trip?

      1. sorry wasn’t clear if you’re staying around BCN for your mom’s trip or going somewhere else in Europe — if staying around BCN this is easier!

    3. Travel advisor here, most don’t book flights except as part of a package and many don’t book flights at all. There’s not usually a commission in it for us, and in the event of any problems airlines prefer to work with the passenger whose name is on the ticket (unlike hotels, which are very adept at working with TAs and in fact prefer it).

      +1 for Google flights. I always recommend my clients use that to figure out the itinerary that works for them, then book their flights directly with the airline. And avoid “basic economy” if possible.

    4. BCN to Girona is a very quick train ride, no need to uber or drive. 30 mins if you buy tickets for the high speed trains (AVE) and around one hour if you take the cheaper “regional” trains, but I don’t think you can buy regional tickets online/in advance.

  12. Looking for advice on how to deal with this or whether I should just step back. I belong to a networking group that puts together CLEs. Topics are assigned. Our topic is something like, what does rule of law mean to you.

    During the first meeting, the leaders said they wanted to keep it apolitical. I spoke up and said the rule of law is not political, and given what’s going on, we should face the elephant in the room because to do otherwise will stand out in a bad way. A few other members agreed. The leaders uh huhed along but are taking the presentation in a very… bland direction. All in the name of collegiality or some nonsense.

    Now, I’m not saying that we should put on a CLE calling the current administration a bunch of fascists. What I proposed is that we talk about what’s in the news. What are our professional responsibilities as lawyers under the circumstances that we’ve seen in the news? How have other states handled the various ethics complaints against lawyers? That was shot down.

    I feel so discouraged. The left has failed to keep the far right in check. And a lot of the failure to act feels just like these “leaders” of the legal community – well we don’t want to upset anyone. The death of democracy will be caused not by fascists but by good manners. But I don’t know that fighting over a CLE is worth my effort. Should I step back and donate another $5 to the ACLU every time I think about it?

    1. Having fought this fight in a different sort of volunteer-led group, there is a popular brand of leader that calls things “political” when they just don’t want anyone to disagree with them and/or bring up anything that might be controversial. I’d bow out of the planning, but (because I’m petty) might attend because that topic is almost certain to bring up the issues you describe and it would probably be interesting to see the reactions from the “apolitical.”

        1. Yes, this. If a CLE about the “rule of law” doesn’t address what is currently going on, then it really isn’t about the rule of law and, IMO, actively undermines it. If it were me, I would push back on this.

      2. Yeah, sorry. This isn’t middle school debate club. People aren’t going to pretend to care what you think in this context.

      3. I agree. Very few lawyers will have professional obligations that are changed by “what’s in the news.”

    4. Consult your bar association(s) over the standards by which the CLE is reviewed for approval so the credits count. The standards by which these courses are governed is public.

      I haven’t come across an overtly political CLE this year so I think your point that to be apolitical will stand out is … not factual. If you want to make your case to the org you’re in, plead it like a lawyer and make sure everything you say is ironclad.

      1. “your point that to be apolitical will stand out is … not factual”

        That’s not my point at all. In fact that’s the opposite of my point. Rule of law is not political. I think ignoring current events will stand out.

    5. “ The death of democracy will be caused not by fascists but by good manners.”

      I promise you that whether democracy lives or dies has nothing whatsoever to do with your CLE.

    6. Why on earth are they doing a CLE on rule of law if they do not actually want to discuss rule of law?

      1. I’m not sure how topics are determined and assigned, but that process isn’t done by the leaders that I’m dealing with. We were assigned this topic; our leaders didn’t choose it. It’s not possible to get a different topic.

    7. Personal opinion: Everyone is failing to keep all the fringes in check. It’s a fringe fest out there.

      Re: your question. Start your own CLE where you can be as political as you want. You are not a leader for this one, you’ve been heard and your approach dismissed. Find a way to get into a leadership position and then make your presentation happen. You will draw talent to your project, and in the end be more rewarding than small donations or group infighting.

      Fwiw, i think you would create a really interesting CLE that people would gain insight from.

  13. I’m mid-career and started a new job three weeks ago (director level, if that matters) in an industry that’s also completely new to me. It’s a double whammy learning curve. My boss is kind, but incredibly busy and barely has time for a once a week one-on-one for a half hour. He is not great at responding to emails because he’s constantly in meetings. Is this a situation where I do what I think needs to be done without waiting to be asked, until I get feedback otherwise? Or do I need to figure out how to manage up and demand more direction and feedback? Or more generally, any advice for how to be a good support employee for an overworked boss?

    1. You need to talk to peers for industry specific issues and figure it out. At a director level, I don’t expect to need to give a lot of guidance about how to do your job. You need to go to your boss with strategy and ideas but you shouldn’t need hand holding. Your peers are your friends for integration into a new company and industry.

    2. I think director-level generally means “do what needs to be done without waiting to be asked, until told otherwise”, so unless there’s something very unusual about the new industry or company, I’d do that.

      I also wouldn’t rely on your boss to be the only one giving you info on how things work in the new industry/company – set up some coffee chats with your peers, which are partly you explaining yourself, your role, what your team does & partly a chance for you to get info from them! You’ll want those direct connections with other teams either way.

    3. Hmmm I would be hesitant to forge ahead without keeping my boss in the loop or getting approval for things. Companies can differ a lot. Your boss might have strong opinions that you do not yet understand. And you are new to the industry. I wouldn’t rely on emails, because those are the first thing to be ignored. Have you tried setting up meetings on his calendar when you have specific items to discuss where you need input? At my company, people often touch base first via chat and then set up meetings to discuss. If you are both in the office together, try to stop by his office when it’s less busy and you can feel out his response.

  14. I came out a few months ago (yay!) and am on the apps (Hinge and Bumble). I find I’m having way less success matching with women on the apps than I did with men. I’ve updated my photos and prompts a bit, but no dice.

    Would any queer women have words of advice?

    My friends are overwhelmingly straight and coupled, so I don’t have someone to give me feedback.

    1. Perhaps it seems skewed because there are more men than women on dating apps.

      1. This. It’s not you. the apps are just a numbers game and there are way fewer women on the apps than there are men.

        I have found that the women on the apps are way kinder and less interested in ghosting/being forever pen pals.

        You got this!!!!

        I’m so happy for you.

        1. Thanks! I’m finding that I’m getting way fewer matches with women I’ve liked.

          I try to include a comment/question to encourage conversation rather than just liking a profile. Not sure if that’s the right approach.

          I used to always wait for a man to make a move, so this is uncharted territory for me!

          1. Lots of me just swipe yes on everyone, when women seem to actually evaluate if they are interested. So it would make sense that you would get fewer matches.

            Are you getting a higher response rate from those you do match with?

    2. No avice, but congratulations on getting to this point, and best of luck out there!

    3. When you first install dating apps they show you the most desirable (most swiped) profiles in your area. Delete your account, install the app again, and pay attention to what the profiles have in common your first day or two. What do they showcase in their photos, both within each photo and across all photos? What types of details do they put in their “about me” section? Do they answer the prompts in a way that’s succinct, funny, or earnest? I can’t tell you how to chat unfortunately

    4. A friend of mine finally came out at middle-age (mid-40s). She too has had terrible luck with the dating sites. She’s had better luck with Meet Up and joining appropriate professional groups (Lesbian System Engineers, etc.).

    5. There are a lot more single straight men than single lesbians, so think of that.

      Join Frontrunners or another affinity group.

    6. Over the years I’ve found the apps to be really poor for matching with women. We had a party (possibly with more then a little booze involved) where everyone took turns chrome casting their dating apps to the tv and letting the group provide feedback on the person’s profile. Looking at the men vs women options….it was stark what the contrast was.
      I think if you are newly out (congrats, welcome to the team, don’t forget to get a sticker for your Subaru!) your best bets are meetup groups and social gatherings. Also, women’s sports bars (if your area has any) or viewing parties for women’s sports tend to be good places to meet people. If those don’t exist where you are, usually local LGBTQ groups will have gatherings and social media to direct you to places to socialize.

  15. Recommendations for a hotel in Santa Fe? Sadly, the Five Graces and Ten Thousand Waves are out of the sapphire points budget. Any other suggestions for what to do, where to go, what to eat would be lovely as well. TIA!

    1. Inn of the Governors or Inn and Spa at Loretto are nice. Get breakfast at Tia Sophia’s and then walk around the plaza. The Shed or La Choza are also good for NM food. Paper Dosa for south Indian food. Craft Donuts (they have both a food truck and a store front) are so good! Kakawa chocolate house has amazing hot chocolate. Meow Wolf is fun. The museum of international folk art is really neat. Also if you like art, visit Canyon Road which is full of art galleries. Loretto Chapel is also beautiful. If you like hiking, there’s lots of spots nearby or consider a drive to Tent Rocks, south of Santa Fe. Make sure to get a pass in advance.

    2. Stay at Ojo Santa Fe Resort. Has a world- class spa with multiple thermal pools. Went there for a girls’ trip and had a great time.

      I also recommend Sazon for an incredible dining experience.

    3. El Rey Court is fun and funky. La Fonda, the Inn at Loretto, and Hotel St. Francis are historic and right by the plaza so you can walk to a lot of destinations.

      To see: International Folk Art museum, El Mercado at El Museo Cultural, Site Santa Fe, Meow Wolf, Georgia O’Keeffe museum

      To eat: Everyone loves Tomasita’s and the Shed, but it’s easier to get in to Maria’s, Tia Sophia’s, Cafe Castro, and La Choza. The Pantry is great for breakfast & lunch. Lotaburger is the fave local fast food. El Nido in Tesuque or The Compound for a nice night out that isn’t New Mexican food. El Farol for late night.

    4. We went in September 2025 for our anniversary and loved our stay at the Rosewood Inn at the Anasazi. We went to Five Graces for massages and spa treatments and Ten Thousand Waves for the pools. The restaurant at Ten Thousand Waves was fantastic and super memorable for a lunch. Cafe Pasquales is a classic for breakfast and worth a wait. Zacatlan was fantastic for dinner.
      We also enjoyed walking around Canyon Road to check out the art galleries.

  16. Would love y’all’s recs for dog-friendly sectionals/sofas. We have two large dogs that use the couch often.
    I believe some have rec’d the Radley Collection at Macy’s before.
    Thank you!

    1. Hear me out – whatever sofa has good quality natural linen, untreated, with zip off seat cushion covers. I have a twenty year old white linen crate and barrel sofa. (Would I like to replace it? Yes. But it just.won’t.die. Still looks new.) My dogs are allowed on the furniture and pretty much exist on the sofa when they are not existing in the bed. I am on dogs four and five with this sofa. I’ve always been able to completely eradicate blood, mud, dirt, drool, and general grunge with some combination of stain remover, oxyclean, powerful detergent, and/or bleach. I launder them when there is a stain to eradicate and otherwise send them out for dry cleaning twice a year for general cleaning.

    2. I like leather with dogs. My favorite came from Macy’s but they don’t make it anymore. It is 10+ years old and looks great save for one small stain that is related to my use, not the dogs’, and which I honestly never tried terribly hard to remove but probably could have.

  17. anyone from or familiar with Houston, Austen, San Antonio? Planning 4 days three nights with my 16 yo son. Going to a march madness game and to tour UT, other than that looking to fill in the time. He likes steak and barbeque, cool shopping, anything sports. i like history and historic homes. What’s the best order to minimize time on the road as much as possible and happy to have some recs in any or all places. thanks. we can adjust the days around the game accordingly.

    1. i’d skip Houston. I live here. It is a great place to live and a boring place to visit unless he is dying to go on a tour of the Astros stadium (which i suppose could be cool if you’ve never seen a stadium that has a roof)

      1. I don’t know much about teen boys but I have elementary school girls and we enjoyed Houston more than Dallas or San Antonio. Haven’t been to Austin. I don’t think it’s a bad city to visit! Especially if he has any interest in space/airplanes because there’s a lot of that.

      2. op here: the game is in Houston but i register that there is no reason to be there beyond that and the airport.

    2. Austin is fun. Watching the bats in the early evening was pretty cool and might appeal to a teenaged boy. There’s a famous BBQ place but I don’t remember the name; I’m sure you can find it easily online, it sells out by like 10 am every day so you have to jump on it. Their nightlife is super fun but idk at what time they start checking IDs.

    3. I live in San Antonio – we have the Alamo and the missions, but they are frankly a little boring IMO. Austin is a fun town. Maybe take a kayak out on Lady Bird/Town Lake to watch the Congress Ave Bridge bats come out? The lake has a 10-mile round gravel path for a jog or stroll. I think the Pro Rodeo is in Austin the same weekend as NCAA is at Rice. The pro rodeo and bull riders are super fun, even for non cowboy types like myself.

    4. San Antonio is fun. Alamo, River Walk, boat tours, mariachi bands, caverns, Aix Flags, Tower of the Americas.

    5. Can speak to Austin and San Antonio.
      Austin: South Congress is a cool area to wander around and shop. Esther’s Follies is fun and a super local experience: https://www.esthersfollies.com/
      San Antonio: Pearl Brewery (Farmer’s Market is fun) and Southtown areas. Riverwalk is classic, great in nice weather – the boat tour is worth it.

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