What to Do When You File for Divorce
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We've talked about divorce a bit on Corporette over the years — how to survive divorce financially, advice from a divorce lawyer/reader, and how to change your professional name after divorce — but today's post is from our recently divorced editor Kate. Please be kind with any comments (and huge thanks to Kate for sharing her experience!). – Kat.
Unlike major life events like marriage, childbirth, and retirement, divorce is something you typically don't anticipate, so it's even more overwhelming when you decide to split with your spouse. It's hard to know what to do when you file for divorce when it's something that may have never crossed your mind in the past — especially when the stakes can be so high.
Readers who have been divorced, what first steps do you recommend when you file for divorce? Is there anything you'd do differently?
While January is often referred to as “divorce month,” divorce filings typically spike in early spring and late summer.
My timeline started in November 2024 (after 20+ years of marriage), and in December 2025, we signed the settlement agreement after some final back-and-forth via our lawyers — not to mention the preparation, paperwork, negotiations, and meetings with our lawyers (plus a co-parenting therapist) in the months prior. Everyone's timeline is different, though. (Funnily enough, I wrote the first draft of this post just a few days before I became officially divorced last week, which was sooner than I'd expected!)
But back to the starting line: When you decide to file for divorce, you have to learn a lot, quickly, but fortunately (and unsurprisingly, considering the high U.S. divorce rate), there are a ton of resources out there, online and beyond.
Note that IANAL, and the tips below comprise basic, preliminary advice for what to do when you file.
What to Do When You File for Divorce
Research Matrimonial Lawyers
1. Consider what kind of lawyer you'd prefer. If you anticipate a straightforward and civil divorce, consider using the collaborative law process, which is an amicable dispute resolution method that doesn't require litigation. The International Academy of Collaborative Professionals has a description of the process, and FindLaw explains the potential drawbacks. (My husband hired a specialist in collaborative law, but I decided not to.)
Not everyone hires a lawyer, and a DIY divorce may be an option for you. LegalZoom has a step-by-step guide that explains when it may be appropriate to forgo an attorney. Check out the tools at Hello Divorce, too.
{related: why and how to start couples therapy: a Q&A with a couples therapist}
2. Think about whether you want to also hire a mediator. You and your spouse can work with a mediator after hiring a lawyer (depending on what your lawyer advises), or your lawyer's main role can be to review the agreement you create during mediation. An attorney-mediator is another option. (While my ex-husband favored mediation, I much preferred solely having our lawyers handle the negotiations.)
Check out NOLO's detailed guide to the mediation process, which includes a list of who shouldn't use mediation (e.g., people who don't feel safe in their marriage).
Later on in the process, if you have kids (and if your lawyer agrees), consider working with a co-parenting therapist/specialist to help you and your spouse write a parenting agreement (here's a guide from a co-parenting app). (Ours was hugely helpful, though not cheap.)
3. Identify potential lawyers and mediators. Browsing online directories can be overwhelming, and online reviews aren't always reliable, so I solely valued word of mouth. You can rely on the classic cover of “asking for a friend,” or you can get a trusted friend or family member to ask around on your behalf. (My mom did, without saying it was for me.)
Also ask/search for suggestions in your city's subreddit, as well as local mom/parent online groups (some Facebook groups let you post anonymously) — and comment on this post to ask for local recs!
4. Set up consultations with your potential picks. Check out these lists of questions to ask lawyers from LegalZoom and DivorceNet, plus AllLaw's questions to ask a potential mediator and the Academy of Professional Family Mediators' guide to choosing a mediator. Some lawyers provide free consultations, while others charge, while mediators are less likely to, but YMMV.
Speaking of fees, note that you'll be paying at least a few hundred per hour once you hire an attorney.
{related: how to stay happily married}
Take Care of Yourself — and Find Support
Prepare to be exhausted, mentally and emotionally, and get ready for the long haul. Self-care has become a shallow buzzword, but when you're able to, spend time on yourself by walking/hiking/running, seeing friends, meditating, crafting, journaling, reading brain-candy books, watching your comfort TV and movies, and so on. Sometimes you'll simply need to lie down for a bit — napping, staring into space, whatever — and that's OK. If you find yourself scrolling on your phone more than usual, though (been there), don't beat yourself up.
And while it's totally easier said than done, especially when you're feeling depressed or anxious, try to aim for good sleep hygiene, somewhat-healthy eating, and somewhat-regular exercise. This isn't the time to be critical of yourself for being lax about things, though. (I regularly treated myself to sweets, especially Ben & Jerry's — not a healthy coping skill, but at the time, whatever.)
Consistent support from at least one or two people in your life can be a huge help, and when you start telling loved ones and acquaintances your news, their reactions can help you identify whom you can freely lean on. For online support, check out the Massachusetts-based Jane Does Well, which guides women through divorce, and the subreddits r/Divorce, r/Divorce_Women, and for parents, r/coparenting. Two podcasts that share women's experiences with divorce and provide advice are Divorce Happens and The Divorce Survival Guide.
Finally, I highly recommend therapy!
What to Do When You File for Divorce: Bonus Tip
My lawyer advised me to not inform my husband that I was going to file for divorce, which is common legal advice. (I did tell him before he got served with the papers.) I'm not an expert, so I definitely advise doing whatever your attorney recommends. If you're in couples counseling (we had a few final appointments post-filing), you may feel most comfortable sharing your decision during a session.
Speaking of tips, I haven't even touched on the issues of finances and personal property, your kids' reactions, religious issues, or domestic violence — because it'd make for a gigantic post — but sticking to the first steps above can ease you into the process while helping you feel productive.
{related: does your love language even matter?}
Readers who are divorced, please share: Do you have advice on what to do when you file for divorce? Any lessons learned? Advice on finding a lawyer or a mediator? How long did your divorce process take?
Disclaimer: The information provided in this post does not, and is not intended to, constitute legal advice; instead, all information, content, and materials available on this site are for general informational purposes only. Information in this post may not constitute the most up-to-date legal or other information. Readers of this website should contact their attorney to obtain advice with respect to any particular legal matter.
Get a therapist if you don’t have one already. He or she can help you with the very big emotional side and can help you save your legal questions for your lawyer instead of wasting time and money venting to them.
Let your girlfriends and family know as early as possible. When they offered to help, accept it.
Make a list of the reasons why you’ve taken this very big step. It helped me to think about soon having a clean and quiet home that was drama free.
As our wonderful Oracle “Senior Attorney” has shared with us, the only way out is through and this time next year is going to be so much better
Kate, thank you for sharing and wishing you all the best
Thank you! I also remember Senior Attorney’s divorce (through the comments only, obviously!) and I could never have anticipated I’d go through it too.
Interview at least two attorneys if you can afford it. Consider talking to people with different personalities and approaches. Fit is important.
Do NOT let your family and friends be your fake lawyers. Your lawyer will tell you this in nice terms. I am being blunt because I had some people who got crazy intrusive (like screaming at me over holiday dinner that I needed to let them review the draft settlement agreement; bullying me into trying to get me to ignore my lawyer’s advice; and trying to get dragged into an expensive fight). I literally left halfway through the Thanksgiving meal and told them that I would not be returning until they shaped up their acts. They are extreme examples of this, but the point is, a LOT of people have opinions and a lot of people want to be in the driver’s seat. They think that “fighting” is encouraging you and don’t understand that if a lawyer charges $500/hour, most fights aren’t worth it. They don’t understand that if you have kids together, amicable coparenting matters a lot.
Sorry, I get very wound up about this.
“Most fights aren’t worth it.” This is so true! I have seen so many litigants spend their life savings fighting at $500 per hour only to end up with more anger and bitterness. A good lawyer will explain the true cost of fighting, and will try not to take advantage of their client’s emotions to make money.
I agree; my point goes beyond lawyers. Your friends and family will happily whip you into a tizzy. FIGHT! FIGHT! They aren’t the ones paying the bills and they aren’t the ones trying to coparent with the person they just went scorched earth on.
The in-laws of a co-worker ended up with the most expensive divorce in their state’s history. When it was all over, they were both broke. Everything they fought over had been sold to pay the lawyers.
Wishing you all the best in this next chapter, Kate!
Thank you!
Make sure you have enough cash on hand. I took half of all of our liquid cash and I wish I’d taken more and let it shake out in the settlement, because I was the one setting up a new household and I needed more cash up front.
And remember: This time next year, everything will be much better!
I didn’t actually finish the process as my husband took his own life before it concluded, but the best bit of advice I have is to not treat your lawyer as a therapist. Make sure you know exactly what you want to cover with them and be business like.
Find other people to be the sounding boards. I used a ‘divorce coach’ who was recommended by my lawyer (I’m in the UK, but happy to recommend her to anyone on this side of the pond). She got me focussed back on who I was, and who I wanted to be. I also had a therapist to help me work through the trauma.
Acknowledge this is a horrible process, you are allowed to feel bad, but there is another side, but I would say it is only now, well over a year after his death that I am finding my own peace and confidence again, and have the energy to tackle the bad habits I let myself adopt. So give it time.
+1 to the therapist advice. My husband is a divorce lawyer and he always had to remind his clients that he charged twice as much per hour as a therapist.
And hugs to you, Londoner.
Thank you Senior Attorney. I posted here a few times through the process under another name, and the advice and encouragement you and others here gave me was invaluable x
Reach out to a certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) for a consultation to better understand the financial impact of divorce. Lawyers are experts in the legal realm, but not always in the financial realm. Working with a CDFA during (and in some cases even before) the divorce process can help you think through your options and see what your longer-term financial picture will look like after the divorce.
Don’t cheap out on your lawyer. Save bargain shopping for clothes, not for dividing literally everything you own and your children’s lives.
My ex and I divorced reasonably amicably. We had an “uncontested divorce” – we had no children and sold our mutual property. It was as inexpensive and as straightforward as a divorce can be, we never had to appear in court, and I got the final notarized paperwork exactly a year to the date from when I found out about his infidelity. It doesn’t always have to be a complicated legal process. I was glad to not have painful and expensive legal proceedings on top of painful and expensive life upheaval.
Thanks for sharing your experience!