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Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Smart Ankle Pants in 2-Way Stretch

A woman wearing black pants, black shoes, blue blouse, and striped vest

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

These pants from Uniqlo have been a staple in my wardrobe for so many years, it feels rude not to mention them here. The fabric has a bit of stretch for a fabulous fit, they’re machine washable, and the price is pretty great.

As an added bonus, Uniqlo will do hemming for $5 (especially helpful if you’re a person who has had a small pile of clothes in their closet since 2022 that will go to the tailor “eventually”).

The pants are $49.90 at Uniqlo and come in sizes XXS-XXL. They also come in five other colors.

Hunting for more of the best work pants for women? Favorites include Nic + Zoe, Theory, NYDJ, J.Crew, and M.M.LaFleur — as well as trendy brands like Spanx, Favorite Daughter, and Everlane. For budget-friendly styles, check Quince, Old Navy, and Amazon seller Tapata.

the best work pant for women, overall: nic & zoe
Nic & Zoe
one of the best affordable women's work pants: quince
Quince
some of the best black work pants with a flare
Spanx
A woman wearing black pants, gold sandals, and a white top
NYDJ
one of the best women's work pant trousers
Theory

Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):

372 Comments

  1. I’d like 1-2 new sweaters and 1-2 new tops for Christmas, but most of what I”m finding that’s new is pretty boring to me. I want something on trend that’s a little fun. Looking in the JCF price range. Something to wear with jeans either to work (pretty casual workplace) or on weekends with friends. Not sure why I’m striking out.

    1. not as fun as a wrapped gift, but your money will go a lot further on Dec. 26, when a lot of winter merch will go extra % off sale prices. That’s when I scoop up pricier mall brands like Vince, Theory, rag & bone, etc at more of a JCrew price point.

      1. I love Anthro sweaters, but I don’t think the prices are in the JCF category.

        1. Nope. But the answer to finding something interesting and stylish and good quality is spending more than J Crew Factory.

          2. This. Instead of four crappy things, why not combine your budget and get one interesting and great piece.

          3. Okay but people need more than one sweater to wear? I can’t wear the same $200 sweater every single day?

          4. Anyway. OP, don’t forget Nordstrom Rack online – you can sort by material so you can avoid stuff that’s 100% acrylic and will pill just by looking at it. They have brands like Eileen Fisher, Theory, etc at really steep discounts.

      2. Hi OP here! I’m a teacher so JCF is actually a splurge for me!

        Except for my parka, I don’t own anything that costs $200.

    5. Have you tried Talbots? If you can wade through some of the coastal grandma, they usually have some nice tops.

      1. Talbots actually excels at sweaters in fun colors when everyone else is stuck in neutrals. Maybe ask for a gift card and shop the after Christmas sales? They usually have some like 50% off an item the day after.

    6. Banana Factory has been skewing boring neutrals for a long time, but maybe check there? The quality is okay, sometimes a little better than JCF, although I don’t think JCF is that much worse than regular J Crew. Maybe also check Gap Factory. Or maybe Mango?

      I totally understand wanting to skew a little cheaper for more trendy items, nothing wrong with that! And nowadays, it’s hard to tell what will actually be better quality unless you are spending multiple hundreds of dollars. Even then, I have seen $200+ sweaters that are not 100% wool, they often incorporate nylon or polyester or horrible acrylic (words cannot express how much I hate acrylic sweaters, they make me sweaty and itchy).

    7. A blogger I used to follow more before she got too into Amazon hauls recently featured some items from Avara. So I bit and received my order yesterday. Wearing my snazzy new jeans and top today, and they are great. I am not normally a snazzy dresser. They have a lot of tops in the $60 range. My jeans were about $75.

    8. BR Factory has treated me well recently. I like my striped johnny collar sweater, and the v-neck wool blend one. Both feel like they are a more current silhouette than most of my closet and the younger crowd has freely complimented me on them (including rando stranger students on my daughter’s college campus last weekend).

      Yet again, typing more in order to get past the slow-down blocker. Kat, I type 70 wpm. How is that too fast??

    9. I’m a big fan of the Gap CashSoft sweaters. They do shed fuzz on the first wash—I washed mine in a net bag, shook it out & lint rolled it after. They’re pretty plain but I like the cropped cardigan as it feels current with the shorter length plus has nice buttons. I think a teacher would definitely get a lot of mileage out of this plus the light blue is on sale for $34 and would be perfect for spring.

      1. Also, they are fairly warm rather than lightweight (not sure if that’s what you’re looking for)

    11. Express is my go-to spot for sweaters with a twist and festive tops. I buy a few each year, and am still wearing tops from 5+ years ago. The quality is pretty on par with JCF.

  2. What’s the most exciting thing you’re either asking for this year or most exciting gift you’ve bought for someone?

    My newish job is travel heavy, so I’ve asked for a new suitcase, which I’m excited about.

    My brother off hand mentioned wanting something from our shared alma mater like 4 months ago (it’s very niche so don’t want to out myself) and I remembered about it and ordered it for him the other day so I’m excited to give him that!

    1. I am leaning into finding joy in mundane things these days, so the main gift DH and I are giving each other is a tool storage for the garage.
      A really cute idea I heard about this week is someone who took their brother to a concert when they were teenagers, and for Xmas has tracked down a tour shirt from that long-ago concert to give to her brother, because it’s such a fun memory.

    2. I’m still following the eight-year-old boy recommendations and buying things for the 20 something guys in my life.

      So far I have Bey blades and I ordered a game called Klask based on another recommendation here that will have to be a family gift. I’m thinking of giving it to everyone Christmas Eve to keep us aLL occupied.

    3. We (adult kids with their own kids and our parents) have blissfully stepped down gift giving in the past few years and this year are doing almost none: just kids and a shared adult white elephant. The relief is palpable.

      1. This! Everyone in my family is an adult who has more than enough financial resources to buy whatever reasonably priced items they want and no one’s love language is gifting. We quit gift exchanges for birthdays and holidays all together, and we all feel relief.

        DH and I sent money to a family we know where one spouse is not a high earner, the other has been out of a job for months, and they have kids so they could buy Christmas gifts. I have so much joy in that decision! For me emotionally, spending the money this way is so much more fun to me than buying a gizmo for anyone. DH would probably rather have had more gizmos for his hobbies, but I’m glad he agreed.

    4. I asked for a new yoga mat! I’m very excited about it. I have no idea what to get my 9 year old daughter and I’m stressing out about it.

    5. Fun question! DH is really into craft cocktails, including tiki drinks. I bought him 4 tiki mugs–not a set, but they coordinate. I’m excited to give those to him!

      DH is very excited about what he bought for me this year, but I have no idea what it is, other than that it’s something for the house. I’m excited to see what he picked out though.

  3. We need a name for when the holidays are approaching and every man you’ve ever dated decides to come out of nowhere to send a vaguely thirsty text. Ghost of Christmas Past?

    1. Yes, 100%. Why do they like to start trouble in what should be peaceful, relaxing time off?

    3. Oh that’s still happening!! lol, I’d forgotten about that. It definitely needs a name.

      2. I wonder how long it’s been happening. I’m picturing men writing letters in ye olden days.

        1. Dearest Ariabella,

          I wish to most cordially enquire whether you are also awake in the small hours of the night.

          I think fondly upon the chaste glance we shared last summer on the promenade.

          With fondest regards, ever your,

          Tradwickington III

          4. Dearest Tradwick,

            I have moved to a convent and as such no longer receive correspondence at this address.

            Yours in our Lord,

            Ariabella

      3. I have been with my husband for ten years and still get one of these every year! They never expire, apparently.

        1. I was at drinks with some women and mentioned that every single man I ever slept with has at some point contacted me out of the blue to see if I was still up for it, even years and years later.

          One woman in the group said “oh you must have a golden p___y If they’re still thinking of it all these years later.”

          Then she thought about it for a minute and realized that every man she had ever slept with had also contacted her at some point. Nothing golden about it.

        2. If I had a family Christmas card I’d start sending them to the men who reach out. Here’s me with my husband, kids, and golden retriever. Margaret got braces. Philip won his summer camp talent show.

    4. That’s sort of Ghosts of Christmas past isn’t it? A Christmas Carol, the booty call version.

  4. I would like a tray for my coffee table to corral what I keep on it (vase with flowers, candle, coasters, remote). My coffee table is a medium dark wood, as is most other furniture in the room (couch is a gray blue, chair is a khaki). I can’t decide on what color or material for the tray. I generally prefer neutrals (if my table wasn’t wood, I would 100% want a wood tray, but I don’t want wood on wood). Bright colors, enamel, or acrylic isn’t really my style.

    2. Target has a good selection, and I think their Studio McGee things would be a good match for your style. The ceramic sandy glaze tray especially seems like a good match.

    3. Neiman Marcus has a tortoise pattern tray. It is acrylic but not the commonplace lacquered, single color tray at places like West Elm (which I like just fine personally).

      1. Not the OP, but I’m also on the lookout for a tray for my wood coffee table, and thank you for this! The tortoiseshell is a little dark for my room but I love the NM marble tray. Hadn’t checked this site yet!

        1. Yes. Lots of good options there. I like the idea of tortoiseshell with the gray blue and khaki OP mentioned, so went with that, but I am also going to go back and look at the site for myself!

    5. Just a suggestion that if you go with anything other than a woven or leather tray without an interior frame, you will do yourself a huge favor by buying adhesive felt or rubber pads to put underneath the corners of the basket so it doesn’t scratch the wood table.

      1. +1, and I would add them to a woven tray, too.

        [Obligatory time-waste typing in order to get past the Slow Down gatekeeper…]

    7. I’d do a faux-shagreen tray! It’s a nice subtle texture. You can get different colors. I have boxes from Target in a pretty green faux shagreen in my bedroom to corral stuff and they look nice. In my head navy would be a good color to tie everything together, maybe something with brass or metal handles.

      I’d also say that you can do a wood on wood look but I’d get a lighter colored wood for some interest and brightening.

      1. I love shagreen! I don’t know if it was something I was always supposed to know about (impostor syndrome here) but now that I have a shagreen jewelry box I’m kind of obsessed with it.

    8. I have a gold-painted wooden (“wooden”-who knows what it actually is) tray from TJ Maxx or somesuch, and it is surprisingly versatile.

    9. I would get a dark brown or black leather or fake leather tray. Try Crate & Barrel or maybe even Target.

    11. I have one that’s acrylic and resembles mother-of-pearl. It looks good with my medium-dark wood coffee table. The sides have a small rectangular mosaic pattern, and the interior bottom has a tortoise-shell pattern. My parents spotted this somewhere in their travels, so I have no way of tracking it down, but a google search for “mother of pearl serving tray” shows some that are similar.

      1. My comment glitched and shows up as the same thing Jules posted.

        I have a mother-of-pearl serving tray, with mosaic rectangles on the side and a tortoise-shell pattern on the interior bottom. My parents found it while traveling several years ago, so I don’t know how to track down the exact item, but a google search for “mother of pearl serving tray” shows some similar results.

    12. Thrift stores typically have lots of baskets and trays at super low prices. Some of them quite nice if you’re lucky.

  5. Ugh — feeling for my parent friends anguishing over college decisions coming out now. Sample size of 50ish people all feeling like they gave up a lot so that their kids could do as they were told and it just seems like a crapshoot at best and a fraud at worst (EA with too-high expected family contributions, etc.). I don’t event them at all and they vent in messages and texts because they can’t say anything at home because their kids are really feeling. Nice lumps of coal right now.

    1. It helps if you know how the game is played. Schools win when students apply, regardless of whether or not they have a shot at getting in. The more applicants, the lower the acceptance rate.

      I try to tell people that their kids don’t have a 4% chance of getting into Harvard: they have an 80% chance, a 50% chance, or functionally, a 0% chance. They are either Olympic-level athletes with great grades, big donor legacies, have incredibly compelling personal narratives (well beyond a nice essay), winners of the Physics Olympiad who also play a sport that the coach needs to fill a roster for, or they are form Idaho and scored a 1600 on their SATs. Other than that? You have 55,000 kids vying for 500 remaining slots.

      Just use your ED/single choice EA for a school one or two levels down. Take the acceptance into Georgetown or Rice.

      1. It’s offensive, they way they try to push up those numbers. My kid is a strong student who will go to a great school, but she has zero shot at an Ivy. That doesn’t stop Harvard etc. from deluging her with mail. She is realistic but I feel bad for the kids who mistake these solicitations for genuine interest.

        1. I think teens are old enough to understand how marketing works, and if they don’t, what a wonderful teaching opportunity!

      2. That’s happy compared to one group text I’m on. Have to start abroad in high COL city, someone mentions “oh, at school X you can’t really get classes until you are a junior” and people racing for housing now that they are in the general pool somewhere else now that their ED school deferred them. My kids are much younger get than my classmates’ kids and I feel dismal about this in advance. It’s like the schools want you to fall in love with them but then play hard to get. Is there a “rules girl” approach to this? Because schools are apparently just not that into us, it seems. I do know one happy house but they feel like they have to keep it on mute because so many others are just in the dumps.

        1. I also have younger kids and the lessons I’m taking from this are:
          1) cast a wide net — do not be hung up on names and prestige, find a school that wants you and will give you merit money
          2) do not “give up a lot” and sacrifice your children’s childhood or family’s wellbeing on the altar of college. Save wisely, do well in school, but don’t go crazy, giving up your joy for 18 years just to find your plans turn to dust

          1. Admissions offices do care about fit (and retention). I think it can be a good sign if a school wants a student (unless a student will be so head and shoulders above average that they’ll be total outcasts among anyone but the professors, though even then sometimes that means they have every opportunity).

          2. +1. Don’t artificially engineer your life around your child going to a good college. Live the life you and your family and your child want to live. If that happens to mean that your child is a prodigy at something and merits Harvard, super. But if your child doesn’t “naturally” achieve at that level, artificially forcing them into it (1) probably won’t work (2) will make you all miserable and (3) won’t set them up for independent success at the school you propped them up to get them into.

          3. Fall in like with several schools. Don’t fall in love with one.

            Signed, mom of a kid who has fallen in love with one.

          4. What did they give up? Did they dedicate family resources to a sport or something? Did they quit their jobs to “help” with the kids school? Did they mortgage the house to send the kids to choate? These all still seem like long shots so I’m wondering what else they did and what else they reasonably expected?

        2. The “Rules Girl” approach is to not waste your ED/single choice EA on a school that isn’t going to admit you. Think of it as being exclusive with a guy who isn’t that into you and dangles the promise of a date in front of you.

          You’re better off using that ED/EA on a school that is a slight reach but not insane, and have an army of backup schools.

          Most importantly, if you love a school that has EDII and you didn’t get in EA/ED at the top, top school – apply EDII to that other school! Too many kids think “I don’t want to do ED somewhere else; maybe Harvard will take me in the regular admissions pool.”

          Just like in dating, the guy told you that he’s not interested. Move on and don’t be afraid to pursue commitment from someone else on the off chance that he likes you better the second time around.

          3. The whole early decision thing is a scam designed to boost revenues and yield rates at the same time. It should be banned. Most families can’t afford to commit to pay whatever one college dictates. I forbade my daughter from applying ED to her top choice because we couldn’t afford it, and am pretty sure she ended up with about twice as much aid as she would have if she’d gone ED.

        3. The “have to start abroad” scam is new to me. Last year a parent I know told me her kid was offered admission to his top choice school for the spring semester, then told that he could start in the fall *if he went to an expensive program abroad. What a way to boost revenues. And what a terrible way to start your college experience. You would miss out on the first-year bonding experiences and move into the dorms after everyone’s social groups were already solidified.

          1. Does the school do a lot to build solidarity among the spring semester cohort?

            At my school there was actually a lot of excitement among the fall cohort about the spring cohort’s arrival and the opportunity to meet new people.

          2. Was this the University of Southern California and their spring admit garbage?

          4. My uni had a thing where out of state students who did first-year-abroad got in-state tuition for the rest of their time in undergrad. I guess financially it’s a wash.

      3. I feel like so many people hear what they want to hear. From Dumb and Dumber: so you’re saying there’s a chance?

    2. May I join the vent? My daughter’s first choice school sends out decisions on December 17. We are basically holding our collective breath but I am not optimistic. I should not be this stressed. She is kid #3. Kid #1 got rejected at Duke ED and was devastated. She went to her second-choice school, had the time of her life, got a full ride to law school, and is a thriving young attorney. Kid #2 got into her first choice, had a pandemic mental health crisis, ended up transferring to a nearby school we had never considered, and is also thriving. The lesson is that kids end up where they are supposed to be and everything will be fine. I guess it is just that I can’t bear it when my kids are sad.

      1. It gutted me when I was rejected by the school I wanted to go to since seventh grade.

        It was ultimately a good thing. Disappointment early in life makes later disappointments less jarring. It also told me that as talented as I am (or would like to think I am), I don’t have what it takes to compete on an international stage. That’s actually helpful to know!

    3. There is a certain amount of delusion I think with college applications. Parents and students often don’t have a very good assessment of the students actual ability to be accepted and where they fall in relation to other students. I’m seeing this play out in my own family with my rockstar niece and my nephew who will be a future ‘personality hire’.

      1. It’s tilting me in favor of SLACs, even mid-tier ones. Classes taught by professors who want to teach and maybe the schools will care for my kid, warts and all, vs just about whether the checks keep coming.

        1. I went to a very mid tier liberal arts college 20 years ago and it was very good for me. Made my dearest friends, found an area of academics that I’m still fascinated by, got killer grades and went to a decent law school with a scholarship. But then, after reading the kinds of pressure other people’s parents were putting on them in the education and sahm thread yesterday I think that the goals of my parents with my education were really different than a lot of other people’s. Well rounded happy and educated daughter? Mission accomplished. Stepping up the economic ladder to do better than them and be a one percenter? Ummm no. I definitely failed if that was the goal.

          1. Back when my kids watched Princess movies I’d threaten to marry them off to a Prince of the next county over “to cement our alliance”. Now they joke about it.

          2. My parents goal was that I would step up the economic ladder, which I have done. But that’s a logical goal and easy to do when you grew up in poverty and then very lower middle class.

    4. Every time I read a post like this, I’m so happy I live in the Midwest where the majority of the students go to a state college and very, very few kids even consider applying to the ivies.

      1. Same! I went to MIT, so I have some familiarity with the elite college rat race (although I know it’s more competitive now), but the vast majority of students at my kids’ district’s excellent public high school attend one of our two major state universities, both of which are extremely affordable but offer a very solid education. I feel so lucky to live where I live — my friends in California aren’t even sure they can count on getting their kids into Cal States, let alone UCs, and our State Us are not hard to get into but are ranked pretty highly.

        1. They can get their kids into the Cal State closest to their home address, and probably UC Merced. Maybe Riverside. Cal State is pretty much guaranteed if you go to the one you’re districted for, as long as you meet a fairly lax minimum GPA/required courses list.

          1. This is not true for the more “prestigious” (for lack of a better word) CSUs. Long Beach and Fullerton have become quite competitive for local students.

          3. Not sure where my comment went? Long Beach does have local preference, so you’ll get in, but it may be to an undeclared major. You may not get Computer Science or whatever their impacted majors are.

            https://www.csulb.edu/admissions/local-preference-admission-consideration

            My son is at his second choice UC in a Computer Science major. There are no transfers into CS from Undeclared majors. He may have gotten into his first choice UC if he wasn’t so insistent on this major, which he now kind of hates haha. So it depends on how you apply as well as where you apply.

          4. Fair enough — but those schools are a pretty big step down from most of the Midwest flagships (and I’m not even talking about the “prestige” ones like Univ of Michigan). Like even a U of Minnesota or an Indiana U is a big step up from the Cal States.

      2. I know it’s a privilege but i also think there is a lot to be learned from going to college out of state without half your high school

        1. Our high school has 150 kids/grade and the State Us have 40,000+ undergrads. You don’t stay in your high school bubble at undergrad.

          1. My kids both went to state schools. We’re in California so there are a lot of state schools to choose from. My son knows one kid from high school at his university. That’s it. My daughter didn’t know anybody from high school at her university.

            Both of them found the schools that were right for them and it’s all working out well. I have one who’s done and has a masters degree as well and is working her first job right now. I have a senior who just took finals and is coming home this weekend!

            All my sympathies to the parents who are stressing about decisions right now. I remember well how awful it was. And it doesn’t end with admission, there’s always stress about something whether it’s housing or getting the classes or deciding on a major. Internships? It’s always something. Just be there for your kids and try to remember that this is their life, not yours, and you’re just there to be a sounding board, a comfort to them, and to pay for things. They’ll figure it out.

        2. I wish we could do study abroad but somewhere else in the US as a thing. It messes you up in some majors though.

        3. Preach. Even if kids from all over the state attend, it’s still filled with kids who have roughly the same life experiences: growing up in Iowa or Nebraska or Kentucky.

          1. That’s not really true anymore — state schools are typically ~15-20% international students. And if the school is prestigious enough, it will draw from all over the US, even if the Midwest is heavily represented. Most Midwest flagship state Us (e.g., Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio State, UIUC) are good enough to have significant populations of students from outside the Midwest.

          2. Eh, that’s a problem at the top tier schools too. I went to an Ivy and sure we had some token kids from the midwest, south, or southwest, but there was just a huge, huge segment of the school population that came from the NY/NJ, New England, or California private school feeder systems. The private schools in those places have international students too; I think on a percentage basis my high school class was more international than my graduating class out of university.

          3. yeah, my Ivy was the same. There were the token kids from the Midwest, south and desert southwest but for the most part it was kids from fancy private schools in California and New England and a few selective public schools like Stuyvesant and TJ.

    1. I’m so terrified about this. I asked my pediatrician at our last appt and she also said it’s terrifying, but that we’re lucky to live in a state that cares about children’s health and she doesn’t see them being pulled here. But she affirmed it’s terrifying nonetheless. When the medical professionals are scared……oof

      1. They don’t know any more than you do about the government. It takes a lot to actually change this. It’s all headline generating noise.

    2. I’m can here to say this. My grandmother is a hundred years old and her brother died of polio as a kid. It’s not that long ago. Im sorry but I really think these anti vaxxers are evil to their core.

    3. Even if they remain available, with some of the core vaccines, there’s a minimum percent of people vaccinated that is required to prevent outbreaks. So your fully vaccinated kid could draw the short straw and get measles or polio if enough of their classmates are unvaccinated.

      1. The mandates to get vaccines for school are at the state level. So, I’m just going to hope the federal government doesn’t ban vaccine mandates because I don’t see my state getting rid of them.

    4. I’m glad they’re being honest about their intentions prior to confirmation hearings, because this is the sort of thing that should — should, not necessarily will — be disqualifying from confirmation.

      1. If they’re confirmed anyway though, it feels worse than if it were a bait and switch.

    5. I can’t really square the thinking:

      * American women aren’t having enough babies, so lets prevent them from getting an education

      * Outlaw abortion, of course

      * And no vaccines for babies once they’re born, screw those babies

      1. Prevent girl from getting an education? That one seems like a leap to me but maybe I’m missing something

          1. Also, they don’t need to ban girls like the Taliban. Sexual harassment in the classroom and sexual assault on the school bus, not selecting girls for the selective honors classes, teachers making openly sexist comments are enough to prevent girls from learning. I saw all of these in my middle class schools in the 80s and 90s.

      2. It does add up though. They believe in a pseudoscientific version of “survival of the fittest” where death and suffering strengthens the community because the strong will rise to the top.

      3. There’s probably some eugenics beliefs underlying. The ADA, civil rights for the disabled, community supports, etc are all relatively new policies as well. It seems like they want to undo everything post 1960.

        1. Probably. If you want more babies because the population is falling (the argument seems to be there won’t be enough people to take care of the elderly) then increase immigration. Boom. Problem solved. It would shore up Social Security too. But apparently, immigrants aren’t the “right” people.

  7. I will be wearing this fun hot pink dress to a holiday party, and I am trying to figure out what to wear on my legs. I could go bare skin, but it is on the short side, especially sitting down, and my old, very pale, battered up legs (even with bronzer) won’t look good. Black tights would be too heavy. What about a patterned black tight? Sheer n&de hose would work, but I hate how they feel on the legs. Are there any sheer hose that feel like tights? Link posted below this post.

    1. ooh fun! I think a pattern might be too fussy with such a bold dress. What about sheer black hose? Those are back in style. Others swear by nude tight-weave fishnets but I have a texture issue with those.

      1. I see that sheer black hose are back in style, but to my eye they look frumpy and dated–but that is because I wore them years ago! I can try the micro-fish net style. Are there are sheer hose that feel good on the legs? Look for polyester or not? I’m hoping someone will have recommendations on this.

        3. I’ve seen the sheer black hose in the wild and was surprised to find that I actually think it looks nice . . . and also current/fresh. Perhaps try your dress on with some & take some photos to see what you think?

        4. I find nylon softer and more comfortable. Compression is what makes them comfortable to me.

    2. Some years ago, I bought a pair of tights that were “micro fishnets”. Maybe look for something like that?

    3. The dress is awesome. I think subtly patterned black tights could work. But when I saw the dress I immediately thought of gold tights, even though it’s probably over the top. Maybe subtly patterned black tights and gold shoes?

    4. how about sheer black tights with a silver or gold thread through to make them subtly sparkly?

    5. I think patterned black would look great! Polka dots would be festive. You might also see if there’s any plaid or argyle patterns that would work too.

    7. I bought that dress too!! I’m going bare leg because I am in Texas and it is not short on me because I, myself, am very short.

    8. Sheer or patterned sheer black would be great with that, and I know Target has some options in that vein. Very envious of your fun fancy holiday party! I’ll have a nice holiday with people I love, but wish I had a party like that too!

    9. Hear me out: nude dance tights. They’re warm, they smooth everything out without the super restrictive tummy control, and they feel nicer than sheer hose.

    10. No one here will agree with me, but I would totally look for some colorful 1960s patterned tights with the same shade of pink as the dress in the mix. Like something with a paisley design. I think it would look cool against the solid pink of the dress.

    13. I see several people suggested black panty hose, which reminded me of the ones with a seam on the back of the leg? I haven’t thought of those since… probably the late 80s? But I always thought they were sexy, and they seem to match the mood of the dress.

    14. Have you checked https://thestylishfox.com/ ?
      They have really fun good quality hosiery. I would pick the black leopard pattern
      https://thestylishfox.com/products/grace-r17-leopard-print-tights
      or the shiny graphite
      https://thestylishfox.com/products/daphne-footless-tights-by-veneziana?variant=44128221397296

      Last year they had a transparenze hoze with raindrop shine pattern that was adorable for the holidays.

      Left field perhaps, but I also love to wear bootcut pants or jeans under short dresses and there are so many jeans with sparkles in stores right now.

  9. I posted a while back about SoleBliss or Calla shoes for bunions and at least one person asked me to report back if I took the plunge.

    I bought a pair of SoleBliss flats and they fit so well. SoleBliss says to order your regular size, which was not very helpful; it’s been ages since I didn’t size up for my bunions so I didn’t know what size my feet really were. Calla has a printable sizing guide which said I should order an EU size 40 in W width; this size worked out perfectly for the SoleBliss shoes. I will say that if you plan to wear the shoes with regular socks maybe size up a half size. It’s not an issue with the flats since I plan to wear them with tights or very thin socks.

  10. My technology-challenged father has tasked me with selecting appropriate earbuds for a Christmas present for my equally technology-challenged mother. Problem is she’s an Apple person and I’m an Android person who still uses corded headphones. Anyone have favorite earbuds that are compatible with an Iphone 11 Pro? Preferably not too top of the line/expensive because she’ll probably lose them at some point.

    1. AirPods. It’s the absolute easiest answer and impossible for her to set up incorrectly

    3. Shokz/AfterShokz headphones are really good for the price and are pairable with an iPhone (though I’ve never done it personally).

      1. I have a set of shockz, a set of airpods, and a set of beats. Here are my thoughts – airpods are the easiest to pair (it’s automatic). The battery life is the worst of three. They are in ear, so they aren’t super comfy. Beats pair relatively easily/automatically with apple. Battery life is way better. The over the ear option is great for me for running, but some may not like how bulky they are. They are harder to wear with glasses. Shockz are apple compatible, but the pairing is not entirely seamless. Once paired, it’s fine. But if your mom isn’t tech savvy, I would want to be there with her to make sure it’s all good. Shockz are the most comfy to wear (over your ear, but easier with glasses) and they don’t go in the ear canal if that’s important to your mom. I bought them to wear running after so many incidents occurred with women and I wanted to be able to hear better. If it matters, Shockz have a USB-C charger and Airpods and Beats both charge with the apple charger for like an iphone 13.

        1. I also have all three and prefer Beats for anything but running. I also wear Shockz when I run outside. All three are fine. Airpods are easiest to connect, but I don’t like how they feel in my ear. I must have weird shaped ear canals though because I don’t like any in ear headphones.

          1. Same. I’m the Shokz recommender and they are the first non over-the-ear headset I’ve ever been able to wear for a longer period of time.

    5. What is your budget? I’ve had several pairs of TOZO ear buds from Amazon and all of them have been great, and in the $25-75 range. Any Bluetooth ear buds can be paired with an iPhone, you don’t need to shell out for AirPods.

    6. I got cheap earbuds instead of Air Pods because I absolutely know I will lose one. I went with the budget option recommended by Wirecutter. https://www.nytimes.com/wirecutter/reviews/best-wireless-earbuds/

      They paired easily and almost automatically with my iPhone, and with a couple more steps were paired with my laptop. Good sound quality and battery time, I’ve been pleased; my SO also has a pair and likes them.

  11. I saw the conversation yesterday afternoon about upper income HHs in which the mom becomes a SAHM and where that education goes, and I thought I’d add my perspective as it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently.

    I am (soon, likely) going to join the ranks of those moms. I grew up with two upper-middle-class parents who themselves grew up blue collar. I very much received the message that I needed to work hard and support myself. To that – I worked a big job out of undergrad, went back to a top school (HSW) to get my MBA, entered MBB consulting and have been there ever since. While in business school, I met my now husband, and we’re set to have our 3rd child soon.

    He came from money – like we could never work again and live off of his trust only money. He also makes more than I do with significantly higher long term earning potential (and I say that as someone on the path toward partner at an MBB). We need to be geographically mobile for him to reach that potential though.

    We had a period a few years back where he was able to negotiate a 2 month gap between changing jobs and he tried to take on more of what we couldn’t outsource – social scheduling, managing household finances, household logistics – all of that. And he was not good at it, and he did try (and succeed at more tactical tasks like laundry, cooking & cleaning). With 3 kids we know those demands will only increase with time and having one person who has time to deal with that will make our lives infinitely easier. We don’t need my income, I’m very good at those things, and we have the backstop of his family money (and in truth, given my parents are older and I’m set to inherit some there, mine too). It makes very little sense to do two things halfway versus do one thing fully for each of us. He has the higher earning potential and I’m better (and take more enjoyment from) the household things we can’t outsource.

    I’m excited to pursue joining a non-profit board, being more involved with my kids’ pre-school, and keeping our social network fresh. I’ll also take a more active role managing our assets and investments. It lets him fully focus on his career without worrying about any of this – I think it will make him a better dad too – all he has to do is parent, work, and show up where he’s supposed to for everything else.

    1. My concern in reading this is everything is dependent on your husband. Are you provided for with his family money if something happens to him? I would be nervous unless that’s explicit. Also, we have a very similar situation but outsource so both of us can keep working both as insurance against the worst case scenarios and just to keep our own adult lives.

      1. This exactly. You need to ensure that his money is in a trust (right now, not something that is contingent) and that a post-nup would appropriately compensate you if things go south.

        In other words, get an attorney who is skilled in handling high net worth clients before you even contemplate quitting.

      2. Yes. We would split everything (including his trust, my inheritance, our accumulated assets) 50/50 in the event of a split per a post-nup.

        1. Is the money going into accounts in your name NOW? As I mentioned yesterday, a post-nup/divorce decree is only good to the extent it’s collectible. So good on your for having documents in place, but make sure the money will be there when/if the time comes. He and his rich family could lawyer up and make it very hard for you in the event of a divorce, post-nup or no post-nup. Get the money up front in your name before you give up your earning power.

          That said, I don’t think you’re unreasonable to want to retire early. I do add my voice to the chorus of those urging some kind of meaning volunteer work.

          1. This was my first thought as well. Have a separate account that the post-nup says it’s entirely yours. I’ve seen some nasty male midlife crises (e.g. gambling addiction, bad business decisions, etc) that drained the assets so there was nothing to split during the divorce.

        2. Have you had really good legal advice on whether this post nup is enforceable? What happens if your spouse tries to get around it by moving to a state or country where it isn’t? What happens if he defers his compensation so it’s largely not earned during your marriage? Have you talked to someone who is really familiar with executive compensation? I have seen too many spouses assume they are protected, but in a high income marriage there are many ways for the affluent spouse to leave their first wife baggage behind and move on.

        3. Honestly, I am shocked that anyone would agree to split a trust like you have described 50/50 in a post-nup. That is often untouchable in a divorce. But good for you!

          2. Me too. I mean, the purpose do of many trusts these days of this type is to ensure the monies are not siphoned off in divorce settlements.

          3. Yeah, I have nowhere near the family money of OP’s husband and I don’t currently receive any financial support from my parents, but they have a trust set up to make sure my husband can’t access any inheritance if we divorce. I would never agree to 50-50 on an inheritance. 50-50 on earnings/investments the couple made after the marriage, yes.

          4. It can be changed to be so.  5 years back he took a job at an earlier stage company with a huge equity upside and low cash comp.  We felt comfortable with that because of his trust, but it meant that we were saving virtually nothing from my income for a few years.  At the time I assumed I’d continue working indefinitely, but I wasn’t comfortable with a world in which we got divorced before his equity was liquid or had appreciated to the anticipated level and instead we were just splitting my assets, so we re-did the trust prior to him taking that role. 

          5. OP, do you live in the US? What do you mean you “re-did” the trust? If this is a trust with property that was gifted to him from his parents or grandparents, it is likely in an irrevocable trust that you cannot just re-do easily. Even if decanting is permitted in your jurisdiction, it is very uncommon to be able to add beneficiaries. Hopefully you never get divorced, but I personally would not count on receiving 50% of the trust assets if you do.

    2. Yes yes congrats for you making the same choices generations now of rich women have. Hope you don’t wind up like some of my mother’s friends, boring people with nothing to talk about except their kids, unemployed and lacking in the ability to get decent jobs when their husbands leave them when the kids are grown for a younger model. Congrats on being so rich you don’t think you need to set an example for your kids and being wealthy enough that you’re just going to be a housewife.

        1. Not taking charge of the housework because I’m just mysteriously naturally better at it that’s for sure!

          2. Some of the comments in this thread are hella rude but I have to admit this cracked me up

      2. Right. At least try to be more interesting than your housework and non-profit board. Play an instrument? Community theater? Do something.

        The life you describe would make me tear my hair out.

        1. This life sounds mind-numbingly boring to me too (and no, I’m not jealous, I work very part time & my husband and I have plenty of money). How much time does it take to manage a social calendar?? The lack of volunteer work jumps out at me. That’s what rich SAHMs in my area do, and can really be a significant time commitment.

        2. Isn’t that personal preference, though? For example, does anyone really want to hear their friends play the clarinet or whatever instrument they may play? Do people truly want to see you act in community theater? The things you like may be insufferable to others, too.

          1. So train for a marathon and qualify for Boston. Write a book. Do investigative reporting.

          2. Or maybe join a nonprofit board, be more involved with your kids’ school, organize social events…? I don’t know why you have to pick on how someone enjoys spending their time. It’s mean-spirited.

          3. Do investigative reporting, as a hobby! I am dead. This board, man…seems you are only valuable as a person if you are hustling. Maybe people just want to enjoy their families and life.

          5. Yes, people do want to watch other people perform if they’re good at it. A couple of weeks ago more than 4,500 people paid as much as $100 each to watch concerts that I was part of.

          6. Just enjoying one’s family and life is a shocking dereliction of your responsibility as a human on this planet. People are meant to contribute, not just take.

          7. 1:17, having and raising kids IS contributing to the future. But also, WOW. So all of you posters sourcing tips for your next international vacation are working just “to contribute”, right?

          8. I’m … aghast at the view that people who step back from a career to raise children and support their spouse’s career are derelict as humans because they’re “not contributing.” Seriously, that viewpoint is abhorrent. Nurturing your family and participating in your community (OP specifically mentioned that she plans to be involved with school, serve on nonprofit boards) are not smaller or less significant contributions to the human race than working at a fancy job for lots of money. What a small-minded and transactional way to think!

      3. Somebody always cleans the house and watches the kids. Are you just as condescending to the women who do this work for a paycheck?

        1. Nope. It was really sad to see women moving from their beautiful large homes they loved into condos for their retirement while their husbands went to Turks and Caicos with the new model

          1. I feel judgy towards the families, friend groups, and whole communities where men make this choice so often that it’s a pattern and not something that they end up ostracized over.

          3. I’m in my fifties and you would probably be surprised at how many times I’ve already seen this in my Gen X inner circle.

          5. But it is normal and for those of us who have seen it, it’s what we’re trying to warn against. It’s fine to be a SAHM, truly, but no marriage is 100% secure. Take care of yourselves.

            You never think it can happen to you until you see it all around you.

          6. No marriage is 100% secure, but the pattern described here has also been a yuppie stereotype for decades now.

          7. @2:08 do you mean yuppie like DINK, no kids? In my circle there was one no-kids couple (he left her when he knocked up his assistant) but in most cases there were kids. Kids dad promptly de-prioritized once he had a batch of new kids with new, younger wife.

          8. Yuppie means “young upwardly mobile professionals”. Nothing to do with kids or no kids.

    3. Hahahhahahhahhahahahahahhahahahhahahhahahahha

      Love that you’re explaining this like it’s some new thing

    4. Good for you. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for people to imagine this lifestyle. It’s such failure of imagination when everyone rushes in with whatever their own doubts and fears are and don’t think they can possibly be successfully overcome.

        1. Exactly this. If we can break down a few delusions for this person to work through before making such a serious choice, that’s ok.

          1. Thank god you came along to tell this woman who wrote a couple paragraphs on a fashion blog what’s *really* up with the life she spends all her time inside of.

        2. Yes this. It’s cliche, but I’ve seen this play out many times — when the kids are tweens or teens, the husband leaves the first wife, often for a younger woman he works with (because he’s attracted to educated, ambitious women until he needs them to quit to watch his kids and manage his social calendar) and the first wife is left penniless. At least OP sounds like she’s financially protected, but even with money I imagine it would be a pretty lonely life if you don’t have a partner and have given up on your career and hobbies.

          1. She seems like she has plenty of meaningful things to do, though. I kind of wonder the opposite – whose life only has meaning because of their career? They’d fire you in a minute if they had to and never think about you ever again.

          2. I agree about not deriving meaning solely from your career, but I think the framing that she wants to do housework and manage his social calendar is what’s off-putting to me. Where are the individual hobbies and the volunteer work that has meaning to her? There’s a real lack of individuality in this comment that has nothing to do with whether or not she has a paid job outside the home.

          3. @11:07 I think it’s only framed that way because she’s trying to demonstrate value & sadly that’s what people value — the work/labor element of it

        3. I need to get to work and do not have time to type out a long response but so many people are making assumptions that are not supported by the data that I wanted to point that out.

          Of course OP could end up divorced, but divorce is less common the higher up the socio-economic scale a couple goes. In couples where the husband substantially out-earns his wife, the divorce rate is incredibly low.

          OP – It sounds like you are making an entirely reasonable and logical choice for your family. Hopefully you can ignore the haters (who honestly sound like they do not have children).

          2. Some of that is cause and effect though. If the man substantially out earns the woman she doesn’t have the financial resources to file for divorce. It doesn’t equate to happier marriages than marriages where both spouses earn income.

      2. I don’t see anyone who can’t imagine this lifestyle here or yesterday. Quite the opposite – it is a tale as old as time. And good for OP, but let’s not pretend (a) that there are not risks for her that she needs to protect herself against (see, tale as old as time) and b) that this does not undercut attempts to encourage hiring of women for big jobs or even admission of women to top notch schools. I’ll be frank, I resent the women Fr m my law school class who used the same charms they used to get their rich husbands to get their BigLaw jobs in the fall of 2L, took multiple maternity leaves and then quit a few years in once married with a kid. And I am not the partner who hired them, I am the person who either didn’t get the school admission, didn’t get the job despite graduating with better grades and skills, or had to pick up the slack during their leaves and again when they resigned. Of course everyone is entitled to make decisions about their own lives, and I appreciate that OP is going to do something me charitable work with all her free time, but I do have feelings about this and I am free to make some judgments, too.

        2. Same. I wear a skirt and felt people trying to weigh whether I was committed as a 2L, a judicial clerk, and when I was going up for partner (secretly pregnant). I picked up a lot of slack while others went on leave also. It’s just so exhausting.

    5. I would secretly love to be a SHM. I don’t believe this about other women and would never say it out loud, but there’s definitely a part of me that feels like I’m stuck with my (great) career as a lawyer because I wasn’t attractive and successful at life enough to marry that kind of man. I have colleagues who make the same money as me and have wives who stay at home, and I can’t help but see those women as in a higher social class than me, because I have to work for it and they don’t. Of course I’m very grateful for my life and am overall quite happy, and usually try to suppress those thoughts, but I still see SHMs as having a charmed life I can’t achieve.

        1. It’s an honest and normal moment of vulnerability.

          Be more specific why you think it’s deranged. Because it’s not useful to just drop it in the chat without context.

        2. I think it is fairly normal tbh. I have had close friends voice similar sentiments to me.

      2. Life’s just like that sometimes. But it sounds like you’re proud of everything you’ve done for yourself. Not knowing you, I admire you for what you’ve achieved!

      3. Honest question: do you feel that way when those same colleagues with the SAH wives come on to you in the workplace? Experiencing that in my 20s made me see their wives and that arrangement in a different light.

        1. Yup, this. I wanted to be a SAHM until I saw how many men step out on them and what life looks like financially for a woman with no career whose husband leaves her in mid-life.

        2. I cannot tell you how many of my male coworkers with SAHM wives came into me at work, constantly, day in and day out. “All she talks about are the kids. You’re so interesting”. It was like walking a gauntlet of horny married guys. And by the way, I was married too, just not a SAHM.

          1. Easy to tell what kind of dads these guys are if they don’t find their own kids interesting.

          2. Yep, when I worked in Big Law I had several junior male partners with SAHM wives put out feelers for an affair by telling me how boring their wives were now that they’d stopped working and how they had nothing to talk about anymore except what was going on at their kids’ schools. And fwiw, I didn’t even interpret it as these men being bad dads who didn’t care about their kids (although they worked so much they probably weren’t great dads). It was more just that they wanted to have a partner who had something going on in her own life and could have adult conversation, which I kind of understand. Of course, I’m sure they encouraged they encouraged their wives to stay home initially because of the benefit to their own careers, so it was very hypocritical.

          3. I worked in big law for a decade and literally never once had this happen. Had plenty of single dudes proposition me, so I don’t think I was just not approachable.

          4. Are teachers and daycare workers not adults with adult lives who can have adult conversations because they chose to work with kids as a career path? Do careers in law make people super great and interesting conversation partners to people outside of law?

            I’m not saying that women never let their identities get swept up by caretaking roles, but I also think this is often just a line. I also think that other people ignoring women’s interests and personalities happens a lot more often! I have been to some funerals where women I knew to be educated, accomplished, and interesting were eulogized only in terms of service to others, and I think that reflects more on other people’s attitudes.

          5. Oh it’s absolutely a line, and I didn’t fall for it, although I saw other female associates who did. But I also think a lot of men in high-powered career roles marry someone because they’re attracted to that person’s education and intellect and then feel like they got bait & switched when the woman stays home and her whole life becomes caregiving. I don’t see the daycare teacher analogy as on point because, let’s be real, most Big Law men would never marry a daycare teacher. It’s snobby, but they *want* a woman who has an advanced degree from an Ivy League law or business school and can carry on intellectual conversation and impress their colleagues. Then when she quits to take care of their kids, they find her boring. I’m not defending the men – it’s snobbery and very hypocritical. But it’s a real thing that happens.

      4. Same! And I have an awesome marriage by most standards. But the class of women who married big money, especially young, is definitely charmed. Might they end up broke in the end? I guess. But I’m making a fraction of their household income at a full time job and like a lot of working professionals I’m a horrible medical diagnosis and a little bad luck away from economic hardship too. All told they’re not worse off, even if women here don’t like to believe that. Maybe if I’d played my cards better then I was young and pretty I could have figured this out and life would have been less of a struggle. It’s definitely something I’d change if I had a second chance.

        1. If you were married to one of these super successful men, he’d leave you in a about 10 seconds after the horrible medical diagnosis.

          1. There are people like this, but I promise there are also people who are not like this.

          2. After a cancer diagnosis men are 6-7 times more likely to leave their partners than women. Being female with a male partner is the strongest predictor of a partner divorcing you after a serious diagnosis, more than race, economic status or any other variable. So no not really that rare, sadly.

          3. One of the most widely reported studies reaching this conclusion was retracted: https://retractionwatch.com/2015/07/21/to-our-horror-widely-reported-study-suggesting-divorce-is-more-likely-when-wives-fall-ill-gets-axed/

            I do know it happens and that there’s asymmetry, but I also know women who became severely ill and were cared for by their husband; it feels like casting the evil eye to say that women are sure to be abandoned. But whether they’re abandoned or not, they may wish they had made more money when they were able and could get SSDI.

      5. I’m a SHM who is an ex-lawyer. My husband is not from money or well salaried. We saved for retirement and paid off our house (and my student loans) while I was in big law by being weird and frugal, and now we live a life where he works but doesn’t really have to. (It’s frankly mostly for health insurance). We have a small, practical home, we don’t buy fancy things, and as a result, we have flexibility to do what we want.

        I certainly understand that this is not an option for every woman, or even for many women, but I do not understand the number of high end lawyers who don’t see a path to early retirement and/or being a SHM without relying on a man’s income. If you have done any time in big law, you have the market earning capability to work for 10 years, save, and retire to a LCOL location.

        1. Again, this is absolutely not attainable for most American women, and my comment is solely directed to women who did hit the big law jackpot, not to anyone else. But for those women…honey, you *are* the rich man. Act like it.

          1. This isn’t fair or realistic though. If I am a rich man, where is the younger woman that will bear and raise my children, clean my house, and greet me with a hot meal at home most evenings?

            Shoot my father only made $50k/year and even he got that. While I am financially comfortable, it would take millions to buy all the services my mom provided to him (plus she worked ft).

          2. …? What? I’m saying if you have the capacity to make $400-500k/year as a woman and you’re “hunting for a rich husband,” you are fucking up. Save your money. Hunt for a partner you truly love. Build a life you love together (including making joint decisions about what level of food/cleanliness/kids are a good fit for the couple).

            We have a moderately messy house, dinner isn’t actually hard to cook (…?), and we raise our kids together.

          3. (I think women of all income levels should marry for love and partnership. But looking for a rich husband when you are a rich woman is just…bizarre and unhealthy.)

      6. If it’s helpful, we definitely don’t think less of you. I just assume that you enjoy working and it makes sense for your life and marriage.

      7. “I’m stuck with my (great) career as a lawyer because I wasn’t attractive and successful at life enough to marry that kind of man.”

        This is me too, 100%. At least I will retire by 50.

      8. This is insane thinking. I actually feel pity for the SAHMs I know in my neighborhood (VHCOL outside NYC — lots of people with big and artistic careers here). To me, they’re the ones who can’t hack being both a good parent and good at their careers. It’s wild to me that you think the opposite!

    6. Same educational background, also close to making partner at MBB. A lot here resonates. I definitely feel a little duped that I made this choice post-B school. I’ve been paid very well but considerably less than many of my friends and worked significantly more hours than they have. We now all are at the stage where we have little kids and while my friends are senior enough that they have a lot more flexibility at work, I’m feeling trapped. Too senior to be hired at a even-close-to-similar role externally, while I’m getting ever closer to the insane client unpredictability with the macro environment amplifying it all if I stay here.

      1. I’m curious what choices your friends made post MBA that gave them that flexibility and higher comp?

        1. Not the thread OP, but I see higher post-MBA comp at high-level roles in big tech or at successful startups (though that’s obviously a gamble).

        2. Sorry for the late reply. As someone mentioned, tech. Also, tons of corporate strategy roles at large stable companies start giving lots of stock at the first promotion post b school. Many people get there ~1-3 years in and this market has rewarded that handsomely.

    7. I get you. I see a lot of women in my suburb making the same choice or similar ones. It’s a hard world and you have to make trade offs. The deck is still stacked against 2-career families, particularly in the so-called greedy professions. (Greedy that they demand all you time/energy). I don’t think you are making an irrational choice given the circumstances, even if it’s not the same choice other commenters would make (and their choices are not irrational either!).

      1. Yes, the entire modern white collar workplace is founded on the assumption that each worker has a stay at home wife doing all the unpaid work of household management. Two career families are fighting an uphill battle, and it can be worth it, but it’s no surprise when it turns out it isn’t always worth it at every stage of life!

      2. Is the deck stacked against 2-career families, or do you want to have your cake and eat it, too? If we are speaking about most people on this board, it is a choice to work…because you want the intellectual fulfillment, but also probably because you want the money.

        I earned more than my husband but am now a SAHM because we didn’t want life to feel like a hamster wheel. And it means we have made a lot of financial sacrifices (eg, I haven’t been on a plane in 10 years because that sort of trip is not in the budget). We are comfortable, we have what we need, but we definitely don’t max out any account.

        For all but the 1%, there are going to be trade offs to any way you structure your life.

    8. I’m baffled that a very career-successful father is “not good at” managing household finances, household logistics, or social scheduling. How does one get to be so successful in their career without attention to detail and careful planning? If it’s a relationship-based job, wouldn’t social scheduling be in his wheelhouse? Obviously I don’t know you or your husband, but I’m curious generally when fathers are “not good at” home skills that have workplace counterparts at which they excel.

      Given he has a trust he can live off, had you considered that you continue to work and he stays home?

      2. I’ll offer my perspective as a woman whose husband does more of the house admin.

        I’m good at scheduling (and handle it at owrk and with my friends for home), but I often come home from my Big Job with decision fatique and utterly exhausted. I’m entirely capable of the meal planning, but don’t have as much bandwidth for it as he does (he works fewer hours and also has good organizational skills).

        1. I will offer mine as well. I’m a well educated lawyer doing very well in her career. I am horrible at household admin/logistics/social planning. My husband is great at it, and likes doing it. If I devoted time to learning and practicing, I’m sure I could get better at it, but it just does not come naturally to me, and I hate it. I am not good at this type of executive function and I struggle with it mentally in a way that he does not. On top of that, my job is mentally draining with intellectually taxing work, stress (litigation/govt investigations), decision fatigue, and just the overall weight of responsibility for other people’s problems. Thankfully, my firm has staff – paralegals and admins- who are excellent at many of the tasks that require executive functioning that I don’t have. I’d never be a successful paralegal or admin. But I’m good at thinking big thoughts and analysis and writing, and that’s what allows me to be successful in the role. Being “detail oriented” at an intellectual job in my view is very different from managing and planning and executing.

      3. Probably doesn’t apply to this guy if he went to b-school, but there are definitely careers where you can succeed without strong executive functioning skills . My husband is a professor and extremely successful but really struggles with detail-oriented things. He’s the stereotypical absent-minded prof.
        (We both work outside the home and have a very equal division of labor, but I do pretty much all the things that require attention to detail and he does way more of the physical labor)

      4. Anecdotal sample size – highly successful, high functioning ADHD and a good assistant are way more frequent than you think. Can think of many board and management meetings where it is open season turning whatever object available into a fidget toy.

          1. That’s my husband too, just without the trust fund. 😆 I am his admin assistant for all home things, and … I’m ok with that. He is good at lots of things that I’m not/I don’t like doing, so it evens out.

        2. I’m a woman and I fit this description! At work, my assistant manages my calendar and scheduling. She also reminds me of many, many things. (“Don’t forget you have that call in 10 minutes…Are you free Thursday for drinks with the client? Do you want me to tell him?”). I can write a 50 page brief about novel issues, but I cannot remember when a meeting starts.

        3. Men with ADHD can go very far with a great assistant. They can come across as high energy, broadly informed, creative, and likeable, and the hyperfocus makes them wildly productive when it kicks in. The same men can be practically useless without the assistant though. I wish more women with ADHD could get this set up!

      5. Sometimes people aren’t good at stuff because they don’t care to be. My husband isn’t great at getting his family gifts, but that’s his prerogative. I’m not going to step in and take over. I don’t care that much about our social calendar, so my husband takes the lead there if he wants certain stuff to happen. It’s nice, but I’m fine either way.

    9. I’m sorry you are getting misogynistic comments that are picking at the things you’re excited about. I do hope you have fully thought through and planned for the what ifs — death, disability, divorce, addiction, etc. — but from some of your replies, it sounds like you have. I wish you good health and happiness, and I hope you find this life fulfilling.

      1. I mean if you out of the blue decide to just brag on the internet yeah people might have opinions

          1. I mean, we can be envious that other people get amazing choices and still consider posters to be wildly obnoxious. Both things can be true.

          2. I’m deeply envious but it doesn’t read as bragging. I think some women here just get really angry that hard work and big law are not the best or only path to wealth and success.

          3. Her calculations make sense for her family. They don’t need her income and she can do more for her family and find more personal fulfillment as a SAHM. Unless she loves her career or derives a lot of fulfillment from it, why wouldn’t she step out. There is only so much two working adults can juggle and outsource without compromising on family time with children and their physical and mental health. Something has to give.

            At a certain point (when you’re multi millionaires, your money makes money and any job you have pales in comparison to your passive income), free time becomes more valuable than a job.

        2. I don’t feel the need to “have opinions” at other women just because they make different choices than I do, and I certainly don’t feel like women should be quiet instead of taking the risk of being perceived as “bragging.” (Why is “bragging” a bad thing, exactly, unless it actually involves putting another woman down?)

          Men don’t police each other this way — something they get right.

          2. The men I know don’t talk about this stuff, so they have no chance to brag. When all you do together is play video games or shoot hoops, there is no conversation to police

        3. Read yesterday’s comment that she notes she is replying to. Perhaps she’s being too generous in offering a reply tbh.

    10. I left my job at 35 to open a part time consulting practice and would never go back. I used to make $300k+ but we don’t need it. Now i make $100k, work about 60 hours/month and if i ever need to go full time i could easily find a job that would be enough to pay bills. I doubt i could walk into a role like the one I gave up, but i was also super stressed and had a bunch of travel. Nope, too old for that crap now :)

    11. No judgement. It sounds like OP has a dream life, and I am happy for her. But as a woman who has stuck it out and is at the seat of power, I am tired and a little anxious for the future. The reality is that high achieving, smart women are increasingly not at the table when important decisions are made about our civic and financial lives. It’s getting worse over my career, not better. It’s not women’s fault. A lot of factors are leading them/pushing them away. It is what it is. I am just sitting with that for now.

      1. I think the best thing to advocate for is for return pathways to power! I hate that stepping off my career path (big law) for a few years essentially shuts me out of the partnership. I was a superb senior associate with great client relationships, and if there was a way for me to come back as, like, a fourth or fifth year and restart the partnership track once my last kid is old enough, that would seem like a win-win to me and the firm? But there’s no way for me to do that, and that seems stupid to me. I would be super happy to take a multiple year step back in title/pay to re-establish myself and my client relationships, and I just don’t get why firms just…let women fade into the ether instead.

        1. I agree. I’m not the issue though. It’s generally the men who are entrenched in power. They think it’s all or nothing. That’s why I’m careful not to blame women for the current situation.

      2. Thank you for bringing this up. It is concerning.

        I don’t think there will ever be equity between men and women in the workplace, and society, because of this. And in the setting of sweeping country wide (and world-wide) conservative backsliding, we need more engagement from women, or at least…. presence… to be heard.

    12. I get that everyone has the right to change their priorities and circumstances change … but I know 50 women highly educated women who’ve left the workforce and not a single man. It’s still fueling the patriarchy. Still normalizing that it’s mom’s most important job to sacrifice for the good of the family and erase the non-kid making parts of her identity.

      Telling our kids that women can be leaders, doctors, scientists etc. is a lot less powerful if we’re only ever talking in hypothetical terms. I’m not going to give ammunition to the cyber-bros who already think women can’t hack in the working world, or only get there because of DEI / affirmative action efforts, not because we have the brains and stamina and toughness to get and stay there.

      But I dunno, maybe the manosphere is on to something.

      1. As far as I can tell, the work of raising children, housekeeping, and caregiving for elders is predominantly done by women whether we do it for own children, homes, and elders, or whether we keep our jobs and pay another woman to do it for us. Seems like the patriarchy gets its fuel either way. If the workforce wants to be more flexible or humane, or if men want to step up more at home, maybe then more will change. As for not being able to hack it, compare sometime how much research funding men’s chronic health conditions get compared to women’s.

  12. The number of people who are upset that I don’t have any availability to meet with them to review their estate planning until January is astounding, especially since they can’t wait until after the holidays because they’re going to be in Florida for the next four months as of January 2. You go to Florida every year! You waited two weeks until the end of the year and want an appointment in two days! BRB, screaming for the next 18 days.

    1. Ugh! That’s so annoying. Sending you major props for dealing with that clientele. Probably the most rude and annoying demographic on the planet.

    3. I hear you.

      Then again, aren’t we doing a lot of this remotely now? I have never even had a video call with my Financial advisor, and certainly never met in person. All phone calls.

      Maybe you can move into that arena, at least for your established clients that feel comfortable. I love it.

    5. I’ve actually had “email estate guy” on my to-do list for 2 months. I just crossed it off and put in on my calendar for mid-January.

  13. I want to smell nice but perfume gives me headaches. Any natural balms or anything like that work for people with allergies?

    2. Have you been able to narrow it down at all? I don’t get headaches from any naturally encountered scent, no matter how strong or unpleasant. But I get terrible, rapid onset headaches from things like air fresheners, scented laundry detergents and fabric softeners and dryer sheets, and many perfumes. I tried to figure this out in the past and apparently perfumes are cagey about their formulations, but there are some synthetic fragrance enhancers that are migraine triggers for a subset of people.

      So I think I’m actually fine with the scents themselves, just not the enhancers.

    3. Sometimes you can find essential oil rollers so that you can only pick the exact oils you know you’re ok with.

      1. As a perfumer, I disagree with this. Essential oils can be quite strong – the oil base is part of the reason – and many can be irritating to skin.

        My usual finding-a-scent recommendation is to go up the price scale and get some samples. Higher priced fragrances usually have better ingredients and rely less on things used in laundry/cleaning scents that more people are sensitive to.

        I could spend quite a bit of time at a LeLabo but can’t even hover outside a Bath & Body Works without getting a headache.

        My personal preference is to hit a perfume counter at a big department store, smell up to eight fragrances on paper, and put my favorite two on my skin (one on each wrist) and then leave the store for a while and monitor how I like the scents on myself during the dry down phases.

    4. If you figure out what you’re allergic too, you can look up what the allergens are in “fragrance” online on the product websites, thanks to the California label laws

      1. I’m interested in this. Where are you finding this for mainstream fragrances? I just looked on the official website for Chloe fragrance, just as an example, and am not seeing anything. I know Europe requires certain aromachemicals to be listed as ingredients (linalool, for instance), but the rest just fall under “fragrance.”

    5. I get migraines from fragrance so the only thing I’ve tolerated is lotion with cocoa butter.

  14. Planning a 10 day trip to CA, any suggestions re where to stay in SF and what to do for a day there? Also where to stay and what to do in Lake Tahoe and Yosemite for about 2-3 days.

    1. I live in SF, and my advice would be to skip SF, haha. Tahoe, Yosemite, Big Sur, Napa are all nicer. The city is weird post-COVID.

      1. Agree with this, although I’d caveat that if there are kids on this trip they’d probably enjoy one day in the city to do the Exploratorium, ride cable cars, a meal in Chinatown and the sea lions at fisherman’s wharf.

    2. Yosemite has a website for lodging. I’d get on that asap. It fills up really far in advance.

      I think you should see some redwoods while you’re here. Lots of people like Muir Woods in Marin county but I like Armstrong Woods in Sonoma better.

      Enjoy!

    3. My fav SF lap includes the following: city lights bookstore, Caffe Trieste, coit tower, sea lions dock, Ghirardelli square, bus #28 (great views!), ending with California academy of sciences.
      Might be too much walking for your fam, so edit as needed!

    4. Yosemite is one of the most amazing places on earth. If you want to stay in the park, book now ( I had to book a year out and built my vacation backwards from when rooms were available when travelling with two families). If no rooms are available, Yosemite Cedar Lodge in El Portal is adequate, not fancy.

      Depending upon mobility (and time of year) your best bets in the park are Lower Yosemite and Bridal Veil falls in the valley; Giant Sequoia grove; Glacier Point; Tunnel view; and the swinging bridge beach area.

    5. There are historic lodging options in the Presidio, and the Tunneltops park has stunning bridge views. Drive up into the Marin Headlands for amazing views and a short hike.

  15. DH has. Half sister that he did not really grow up with him. We aren’t close and only see them in the rare occasion we travel across the country to where his sister and his parents live. Her 3 kids are the only extended family on either side in the same generation as my kids.

    She has remarried twice since I’ve known her. She currently lives in a home with her mom (not DH’s mom), her husband, her 20 y/o adult working son, her senior in HS son, and her 11 year old. Her new husband has a 14 year old daughter but she does not live with them. We’ve never met his husband nor her previous husband (it was a short marriage).

    In the past we’ve sent $50 to Target + a token gift to the boys and gotten the daughter a gift with the same. Last year we sent a gift basket to the whole house, ~$20 gifts for the kids + cash for the oldest who was going to trade school. I believe they had just married; we included a token gift for the new stepdaughter as well.

    This year I’m just confused. The boys are old. They can’t want anything but cash from the aunt and uncle they never see. We could find a good gift for the daughter bc my kids are around that age, but then she’d be the only one. Send cash to them all? Including the stepdaughter?

    Presents for nobody? A gift basket of consumables and/or family game type thing?

    FWIW DH’s sister doesn’t often send stuff up to us, but when she does it’s small gifts for our kids. We are not really obligated to send anything but…these kids are sweet and don’t have much. I like sending them stuff.

    2. Maybe I’m a grinch, but gifts for nobody. We don’t gift to adults. The threshold in my family is when you graduate college/hit 22, gifts stop.

      2. The tricky thing is the oldest went to trade school, not college, then moved back home. If he was living somewhere else I wouldn’t send him anything but he’s at home with his younger siblings.

        1. I think it would be really nice to still give a gift. It sounds like money is tight for them. A young adult often needs the money more than when he or she was a teen.

    3. $20 bill for each person wrapped around a nice Christmasy candy bar, and call it a day.

        1. Not necessarily. I’m an Old and I could always use $20 and a candy bar!

          1. Me and the three grandparents in bed with me agree, but can i please smell it first

  16. What is your favorite feature of your house? Looking to buy a newly built but unfinished house (3,500 sq ft and 5 bed/4 bath) and can customize to our liking (within reason). We have kids/dogs and WFH once a week and are looking for practical improvements for our hopefully forever home!

    2. I have an old house so this is probably not a common feature of new houses, but I have a giant walk-in pantry. It’s under the stairs so part of it is sloping, but I can fit so much in there. There’s built-in shelving but I also have a Bakers rack and there are two closed cupboards that are floor ceiling height on the non-sloping part as well as low closed cupboards that I use as like a wine cellar. There’s so much room in there.

        1. +1, they are practically mini-kitchens at this point. Like people have whole appliance areas in there (toaster, microwave, coffee setup) in addition to the storage.

    3. Search for bathroom reno threads for a lot on that specifically, but my MVPs are (1) hiding the product niche from plain sight and making it huge so you’re not having fight for bottle space, (2) shaving footrest, (3) not having the stall be too big (cold and drafty), (4) lots of storage – cabinet vanities, one sink instead of two for the counter space, etc.

      Other practicalities – since we had the walls open we added ethernet to the whole house (the ports mean we could set up mesh wifi super easily), and included more outlets than originally planned.

    5. Aesthetically, our kitchen island, which I designed. It has glass cabinets at one end and some unique finishing and I love it.
      Functionally, a large finished basement family room/playroom for the kids.

    6. Something I wish I had: We entertain a lot and I really really wish we had two dishwashers. Similarly, I really wish I had a butler’s pantry for all the dishes and serving pieces.

      Things I love: Walk-in pantry, double ovens, warming drawer (we use it every.single.day). Vertical storage for cookie sheets and the like. Pull-out drawers in all the lower kitchen cabinets.

      Hubby’s favorite is his climate-controlled wine room, which used to be a utility closet.

      I love my “woman cave,” which is basically a room-sized closet. If you do custom closets, I highly recommend VERY WIDE drawers for things like undies and sweaters.

      If you have pets, consider a dog-washing station and/or a discreet place for the cat box.

      This sounds like a fun project! Congratulations!

    9. My last house was a new construction and I miss terribly the central vacuum. Sadly, cannot retrofit this into my 105 year old current home.

    10. Storage closets, walk-in pantry, deep (!) bath, eggshell-finish paint, well-planned kitchen (lots of drawers), ample electrical outlets, incl. floor outlets in the living areas, lights on dimmers, concealed TV cables, concealed wiring for sconces, water connection on the terrace/balcony or any other outdoors area, wet bar> dry bar, but need to plan for water connection.

      Some of those I don’t have in my, otherwise lovely, new-build condo and I wish they put them in at the planning stage (uhm, completely mat white paint on all the floors). Some of those I currently have in my new-build condo and greatly appreciate.

      1. I love our double dishwashers and would like the shower niche to be longer. Also, compact under-sink plumbing and vanity with drawers that envelop the sink, instead of doors and messy plumbing.

    11. My house is a rental 1/3 the size of yours’ but I’m forever grateful to my LL who put in an absolute crapton of electrical outlets when he bought/remodeled the place. Anywhere you might want to plug something in, there’s an outlet. It’s a great example of putting a little money where it matters the most.

    12. favorite feature is that it’s an old house that has 10 foot ceilings but no higher (I hate overly high ceilings) and is *not* open concept – love that we can close the doors to the hallway and kitchen. Also like the very tall/long windows. And drawers in the kitchen.

    14. Not my house but a house: mudroom with dog-wash and grooming area if pets are part of your family.

    15. Get the house with the layout that has the entry from the car with the groceries close to the kitchen and pantry. It makes a difference

    16. Oh! Almost forgot! If you put niches in the showers, put them so they are not visible from the outside if possible. They look great when they’re empty but notsomuch when they’re full of random shampoo bottles and razors and so on. Ask me how I know! (Fixed it in this house, though!)

    17. Separate bathrooms for the master. Or separate sink/toilet areas and the two bathrooms join with the shower. DH and I have our own sinks, toilets, and closets and there is a shower in between. We both love the set up.

      If you have kids or like to entertain, absolutely two dishwashers.

    18. Work with a space planner to review the plan. There are some lovely expensive houses but the people who designed them didn’t actually think about living in them.

    19. Built-in bookshelves/cabinets; lots of closets; lots of lighting — ceiling, under cabinet, a string of lights on top of the kitchen cabinets (which we couldn’t install at ceiling height because old house with wavy ceiling); heated tile floor in bathroom; floor-to-ceiling windows in the sunroom/porch (that is being used as a dining room); vertical storage for cookie sheets, trays, muffin tins, and baking sheets above the refrigerator on one side(with horizontal shelf storage for roasting pans on the other side above the fridge); reinforced pull-out pantry cabinet drawer for the Kitchen Aid mixer, so all I have to do is lift slightly and pivot around to place it on a counter; two ovens on the GE gas range — regular oven (gas) plus pull out electric oven where in other models the storage drawer by the floor would be located, which is great for sides at Thanksgiving; pull out trash/recycling drawer near the sink — but note that you will do all your prep above the garbage drawer, as it is too easy to sweep trimmings into the trash from above. Enjoy!

  17. I am sure this has been asked on here a number of times, but what is your favorite appetizer to bring to a holiday gathering? Bonus points if I can make it in advance.

    1. buy shrimp and cocktail sauce. everyone loves pigs and blankets. cheese and meats and olives. i don’t put a lot of work into appetizers… so much tastiness can just be assembled.

      1. Ooh, one of my favorites— a layer of cream cheese with a layer of cocktail sauce and little shrimp over it with tortilla chips for dipping.

    4. Potato chips with sour cream and onion dip, the kind you make by mixing dried soup mix into a container of sour cream.

      Yes, I’m basic.

    7. Drunken tomatoes (must be made in advance)

      Sartori Bellavitano Merlot cheese spread and crackers was a hit for my SuperBowl party.

    8. Spinach dip from the Knorr package, but with double the spinach, only half the seasoning packet, the mayo being some mixture of mayo, sour cream, and Greek yogurt, and red bell pepper very finely minced. Served with pretzels, Triscuits, and carrot sticks.

    9. Deviled Eggs
      Sausage-Cream Cheese-Rotel Tomato dip (with crackers or crudite)
      smoked trout dip (either with sliced baguette or crackers, or dabbed onto cucumber rounds (slices)

  18. In the never-ending PTA saga that is my non-work life, I had to skip a PTA meeting yesterday to attend my kid’s performance. The PTA meeting couldn’t reach quorum, which was a problem because someone wanted to approve a $$$ out-of-budget expenditure that is a pet project of the rich, bored SAHM contingent.

    Apparently, one of these rich, bored SAHMs has decided to feed the rumor mill by claiming that I’m part of a conspiracy to not meet quorum at meetings!

    Beloved Child of God, if I had the time and bandwidth for a conspiracy, I’d do something WAY better than irritate the local PTA. I want to call her out so badly.

    1. i don’t think this behavior has anything to do with her being rich. i assure you being a jerk is not correlated to socio economics exists across the spectrum.

      2. However, it sounds like she has too much time on her hands. If she weren’t rich she probably wouldn’t.

        1. + sense of entitlement that other people will inconvenience themselves for my needs is highly correlated with high net worth, and also my idiot ex-husband

        2. And she’d have less time on her hands if she actually paid any attention to her own children. She just swans around town joining every volunteer committee under the sun and curating her IG feed.

          1. Up above I was told that I should hate women who didn’t volunteer. Sounds like I should also hate women who do volunteer? Wowza. What a bonanza of reasons to hate women!

          2. Hate everyone you want to hate! I volunteer, she volunteers, I dared skip a volunteer meeting to support my own kid. Gah, I’m such a literal monster! Please, CPS come get my kids.

          3. Yeah, I think criticizing women for the crimes of *checks notes* volunteering and having social media is pretty shitty, and I hope you work on that. No one is saying you (or she) doesn’t deserve to have your kids, though, weirdo.

    2. Ha! I say WORK IT — let everyone think you’re part of this conspiracy. Walk around and talk about quorum all the time, saying things like, “Wow, I really hope we get enough people this time! I guess we’ll see…” then shrug and wink.

      Show up to a meeting, but keep walking in and out of the room with an “urgent” phone call, so no one knows if you’ll be able to be there for the vote or not.

      Etc.

  19. Hey, big thanks to the person who recommended Neutrogena Hydro Boost Body Gel Cream. I have super dry skin but I hate the greasy feel of most creams, and this is just great! Game changer!!

    1. Ah that was me! So glad to hear you agree! And that I’m not the only one who can’t stand feeling slimy with regular lotion.

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